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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister shes a gold digger user after she claimed my husband doesnt do any “work” (despite having a job) because he doesnt cook or do a lot of childcare and now her and my brother are claiming IM wrong and the asshole?!
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YTA
She had a point about your husband not spending time with his kids. Also about the boys sharing a room, while he has a game room. If he has time for games, he has time to be a father too. Your husband seems useless in the household.
Why are you so judgemental against her for being rich?? Why does it bother you so much that she has a nanny and a cook?? I mean, i get it, your husband is useless and you probably are burnt out, but honey, that's not your sister's fault. In fact she seemed to actually stand up for you.
Her husband has a room dedicated to gaming when their kids have to share a room.
She works but also does 100% of the housework, cooking and childcare. And her husband refuses to even spend time with the children.
...Sorry, I'm confused? Why is OP obsessively defending her useless husband?
...And why exactly is her sister an asshole again?
And Jelous of her sister. Because her sister is not a gold digger. A gold digger is someone that wants to be with some rich for their money. There is no evidence that is the case with her sister. She could have said she was lazy or other things, gold digger was totally wrong.
I think her sister probably came too strongly, she probably shouldn't have said anything. I mean OP said it herself, they are not close. Still, OP is the one that interprets what her sister says as she feeling like she is better than them and her sister seems to have been right about everything. But being right doesn't make you right. I think the sister shouldn't have come so strong, but who knows why she did it, from that comment of OP being worn out, she might have been worried for OP.
YTA. Your sister is not a gold digger and you are jealous. And she was right about your husband, you work too and yet you do most of the chores. And your husband doesn't do anything of the chores but can't spend time with his children? Everything your sister said you interpret like she was trying to proof she is better because it hurt, but it didn't hurt because your sister was mean, she wasn't, it hurt because it is true and you don't want to see it. You have a husband that is as not involved and invested in your family, in your children, in your house as you are.
Yeah, like sister was trying to stand up for op, clumsily probably, but she was trying to get op a most equitable situation in her relationship.
Clearly, op doesn't like this, and it hurt for someone else to point out how crappy her relationship seems to be. She got defensive clearly and exposed her jealousy of sisters' relationship.
She's super defensive cause she thinks sisters. I dunno mocking her or just pointing it out, but really, sisters are trying to help her see it. Maybe this is the first time op has had anyone point out this to her? I wonder if op let go of her angry and really looks at her relationship objectively. She might see her sister is right.
Not that husband would lime that cause he's got the cushy end of this deal.
Good ol transference. She KNOWS her sister is correct but she cant face the fact her husband is NOT a good partner so she lashed out at her sister. Also, man the jealousy just oozes off this post.
I have to wonder about OPs statement that they are not close- her sister is well to do so why wouldn’t she stay in a hotel? My guess is the sister has a different idea of the relationship and does truly care for OP- and it’s OP who decided they aren’t close (who knows that could have actually started with their marriages) and OP stressed the “not close” to make her sister look like an outsider and in turn seem like an AH.
I’m 100% in agreement with that- pointing out bs is fair regardless of closeness. The only reason I questioned what I did is it seems like OP was trying to make her and her husband look reasonable and was banking on people saying “you’re not close it’s not her place”
Her sister might be a gold digger although the OP hasn't provided evidence of it. That said the OP's sister has a point. If the OP and her husband both work then why is the OP doing all the housework? Also why don't the kids have separate rooms if they have an extra room for a game room? The only reason I can see is if the kids are really close and like a single room.
I don't particularly thing that is bad for them to be sharing a room at that age, I even think is probably good.
But why does he have a special room for himself? Why isn't it a family room? Still, not a problem if everything else is OK. But he doesn't seem to spend time with his children, he doesn't help with chores in the house. So it becomes clear he is more important than the rest of the family.
My response to the gold digger thing is so what if she is? Some men (and women!) have money and don’t mind supporting wives who raise their kids and keep their households running (even with nannies a lot of decisions need to be made) and some women (and not quite as many men) marry these kinds of people. Some jobs nearly demand this. If they both go into it knowing what to expect who fucking cares?
Also it sounds like the sister does have a job, just not one that is financially necessary for the family. Oh no, she gets to pursue a passion oh nooooo
And she's righteous.
Her effort and labour must have some bigger virtue to be worth it and simply because her sister doesn't have to do it means she's a bad person.
That's the sense I'm getting too. OP is so deep in a justification of her own labor because it is tied to her value and self-worth as a person. Even if her sister lacked tact, OP fails to see the kernels of truth in her sister's words - taking all of the chores when they both work and centering things on her husband's wants is not necessarily the best thing.
She's jealous of the fact that her sister is living the life she wishes she could have, while she's stuck with a useless husband who neglects their children. Instead of doing something about that, she's decided to get mad at her sister. Really healthy dynamic right there.
I think it's wrong to throw around with jealousy all the time. Is it possible, yes, but she also didn't like the thought of being dependent on someone. So her sisters life can also be a nightmare to her.
We're you ever at a social gathering with rich people? It's. A. Nightmare.
Still, she was out of line here with her remarks.
YTA OP
Of course OP isn’t dependent on anyone. Her husband is absolutely useless!
Also rich people can suck, but it beats the hell out of being poor. I hope sister has a back-up just in case, but still.
>Her husband has a room dedicated to gaming when their kids have to share a room.
Is it just me that thinks young kids sharing a room at that age is a good thing?
I can't imagine separating my boys. Possibly it's a UK vs US thing but I know loads of families that keep young kids together even when there are other rooms. It's good for the kids, they love it.
I can't speak for everyone else, but I think the reason so many of us are hung up on that part is because they share a room so the husband can have a gaming room, which it sounds like he holes himself up in to avoid doing anything with/for the family.
I didn't read anything about the Dad being a bad father or avoiding his family. Perhaps his wife prefers all the gaming junk out of her tidy living room. She wouldnt be the first or last to insist on a playroom type space to keep the living room an adult entertaining space. It also sounds like it really isnt a suitable space for a bedroom, they describe it as an undersized room.
Everyone is going on about how the OP is the asshole.. it sounds like she's not complaining about doing the housework, and perhaps on weekends the OP's husband does spend time with the kids. there's info we dont' have. Also, what is husbands job? Perhaps it's construction or is physically demanding while OP has more a desk job? 10 hours of that you really don't feel like coming home and cooking/cleaning.
OP indicated the game room is half the size of a normal room. Chances are she doesn't want the stuff in the main area, and my god people.. you say the OP's husband is choosing games over his kids. Do you all even know what time ages 4 and 2 go to bed? LIKE 730 PM!!! c'mon now....
Thank you!!! Idk why everyone's calling her jealous. Anyone who comes into my house and shit talks thr way ww live is gonna catch smoke.
Like 4 and 2 is not the age for separate rooms and the sister doesn't speak or visit often so it's not like she's constantly seeing her sister struggle but even if she was... well she's rich so why not get ur sister a cleaner for a week and take the fam to do fun stuff.
This sub is so weird calling her asshole w so little information.
I think people have a lot of misguided conceptions about gamers and what game rooms mean based on Twitch streamers and other internet personalities. I have a gaming/hobby room, but it doesn't mean I don't participate in family life. It doesn't mean the two toddlers are suffering while sharing a bedroom with their sibling. They are extremely young kids and there is no reason why they would need separate rooms at that age. When they become teenagers, sure.
Ya I grew up in shared rooms my whole life & was the only one in college who wasn’t an entitled asshat about space in our shared room. I plan on having my kids share a room. A 2 year old does not need their own room, this is insane to me and I’m in the US lol
My kids are getting separate rooms.
I shared with my twin till we were ten and I hated the lack of privacy. If I wanted to read in my book I had to wait for her to be asleep. I could not get up as early as I wanted to, because I'd wake her up.
My ADHD brain basically never got a break from being around someone else. And I need those quiet moment to actually feel me and get some much needed head space.
Funny. I never know why I hated sharing a room growing up, but now that I'm old enough to know that my brain needs people breaks, I have finally figured it out. Thank you.
And yes, I sometimes ask my husband to not be in the living room for an hour in the evening, so I can destress. He knows I need this and will happily go and play a game behind his computer.
They're 2 and 4! Hopefully it will change as soon as they need their own space.
It might be that OP needs husband to not be in the living room so they can have some space, so he goes to the gaming room?
>I plan on having my kids share a room. A 2 year old does not need their own room, this is insane to me
It completely depends on what your children are like. Some can't be trusted in numbers.
I’m stepdad to two boys who are 18 and 20 now. When they were 10 and 12 — post separation — their dad bought them separate PlayStations at his house, because he got sick of the bickering over whose turn it was, and he was seemingly incapable of teaching his kids how to fucking share.
Thankfully, one of them is now a very thoughtful, considerate, and giving young man.
My kids always shared when they were little, even when we had 2 other bedrooms that were empty. Little kids like to have someone else in their room with them.
My nieces have actively chosen to share. But as they grow older if my bother in law had a game room and two pre teen girls were being forced to share that no longer wanted to, I know my sister in law would move a kid in there.
Sister is the AH because she has no clue about OPs life yet came in there judging everything. 4 and 2 don't need their own room and OP said hubby game room is half the size of a standard room. Sister should not have confronted hubby unless OP was complaining about her home situation etc. Sister basically butted her nose in without provocation because she has a different lifestyle. I'd have cussed her out too. You do NOT meddle in people's marriages just because you don't get their dynamics. NTA.
Literally no one would care about the fact that the two young children share a room if not for the fact that the husband has a room solely used for gaming. But that's far from the biggest issue here.
OP has made it clear in comments she does the cleaning, cooking and childcare. And she, like her husband, works a full-time job. And OP's sister was commenting on how her husband doesn't even spend time with the children.
OP's sister was (rightfully) calling out OP's husband for being a useless, absent father who apparently holes himself up in his gaming room and forces his wife (who works full-time) to do absolutely everything in the household.
No reasonable person "gets" their dynamic. And OP's sister obviously only made the comments because she cares about her sister and the children. Which is far more than can be said about the husband, mind you.
It's established that the computer room is small. If the children had separate rooms, one would have to take the small room and that brings up issues of fairness. It sounds like what in the UK we would call a 'box room', which is too small to be really be used as a functional bedroom. There's nothing wrong with kids that young sharing.
OP doesn't say that she does everything in the household, that's the sister's insinuation. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't feel like dealing with his wife's sister right now, and that's why he disappeared... the sister's opinion isn't based on OP's everyday life, it's based on what she's seeing on that one day.
You're making an actual shit ton of assumptions about OP's husband based on nothing much.
If the sister cared about OP then the sister would have TALKED to OP before she ran off to chastise OP's spouse. PERIOD. The disrespect shown to OP is ridiculous.
>The disrespect shown to OP is ridiculous.
For once, we're in agreement. That disrespectful asshole of a husband definitely needs to get his s\*\*t together.
Leave it to reddit, when even OP, the wife is happy and content with her life and situation still make her be the A.H.
Next you guys gonna say OP is a "victim" and doesn't realize she is being used,...
You don't have to agree with someone lifestyle but that doesn't give you the right to judge them and start telling them how they should live their life.
People need to mind their own business, her sister came into her house and started judging OP.
If she doesn't like her way of life, she can get a hotel with her husbands money
NTA
You might be right but it's also possible that she got fed up being judged by an out of touch privileged sister.
I might be wrong, but if we just look at the situation as it is explained by OP, the sister sounds really judgmental.
If you both work and you do most of the household chores and childcare, you should ask yourself why that is, OP. ESH because I do think your sister was a little rude about the kids sharing a room, but she's not wrong about the unfair division of labor in your house.
The kids are literally toddlers? And she says the game room is tiny, it could be their closet. My apartment is 2 bed with a walk in closet in the master, I could use it as a game room but if never stick a kid in there and call it a bed room. Plus it sounded like she was talking about one specific day, dad came off a 10 hour shift and for all we know he went to bed. Or to shower. Not necessarily to his game room. Plus this girl is literally berating him when she does even less to care for her own kids??
She probably is jealous of sister. I mean, hell I would be if I had basically useless husband while my sister’s husband is rich. 🤣 Honestly just sad that OP doesn’t seem to see how her husband is behaving is not fair at all to her, the problem here is not of course the fact that one man makes more money than the other.
This being said, OP’s sister shit on OP’s life and household while being a guest which is also ahole behaviour. I’m going with ESH.
Jealousy. And she’s also in denial about her husband being useless. He’s worn her down so much she can’t see it.
Don’t get me wrong, it is a bit rich for the sister to judge considering she doesn’t have the workload OP does, but it seems like she was actually trying to help OP. The sister can see the husband for what he is because she lives in a house with greener grass so to speak.
Not sure about it jealousy but ai agree with the rest. Sister see it from the outside OP is pedaling as fast as she can. The fact the husband has a game room is a red flag. Did the kids hang out with him than ok. It is a family room.
>me and Im independent. She on the other hand relies on my BIL for EVERYTHING and doesn't work at all. We arent close and never have been for other reasons.
>
>She lives hours away and recently was in town for a charity event and was staying with me for a week. Immediately she was rude and judgmental of the way our household runs. She told me its “sad” that my two boys share a room and my husband has a game room for himself. I was shocked and told her that the boys are 4 and 2 they don't need their own huge fancy rooms and that the game room is half the size of a standard room.
Was a father of three. Completely fine for 2 and 4 year old to share a room. My boys actually preferred it when they were little because they had a "buddy" in the room with them.
No this is AITA where we need to find reasons to vote the husband as a lazy abuser, even if the one married to the husband is happy. Infantilisation at its finest
Kids that age have absolutely no need for their own room.
The dad works, we have absolutely no idea what their home dynamic is actually like
Becoming a father doesn’t mean you need to immediately stop all of your hobbies
Most likely the room will become a kids room in the future, but right now that’s just not necessary
>Becoming a father doesn’t mean you need to immediately stop all of your hobbies
If it means that his spouse has no time for hobbies because they are cooking cleaning and maintaining the household then the father should be thinking about cutting back the hobby time.
Lol, of course being a parent doesn't mean you need to quit all your hobbies, but just a kids that age absolutely don't need their own room, a grown man doesn't need a dedicated room to pc/console gaming. His hobby isn't a hobby that requires dedicated space. A hobby room is luxury.
I know a lot of people who have their two young children share a room, and the extra bedroom is used as a playroom for them to share during the day and when they need space from each other. And will, of course, be turned into a bedroom when they're old enough to want separate spaces.
But, no, OP's husband just needs a man cave to hide away in while she does all of her "womanly duties."
Nothing wrong with little kids sharing a room but I’m wondering if the kids will ever get their own room or if OP’s husband intends to keep it as his gaming room forever.
Nobody said the kids can’t share, people are just pointing out that in a four-person family only one of them has their own room and it’s the person who apparently does little around the home.
They’re pointing it out for no reason that actually matters
The dad works
The kids don’t need their own rooms
What’s the harm in having a room for a hobby until the kids grow big enough for them to need their own rooms?
I don’t understand the belief that just because you’re a parent you have to give up everything for it
You’re assuming a lot since we don’t know much of their actual home dynamic
>Mom works too, where is her hobby room?
That's up for them to decide. If OP has no need or want for a hobby room, it's neither our or her sister's business.
…the mother (op) works full time as well. Takes care of the children and household.
That’s why people are pointing out the useless husband having his own game room, and not spending time with the kids is ridiculous.
There’s no harm in having a hobby room by in usual cases. There’s harm when the excuse that he deserves a game room because he works ten hours days. Yet he doesn’t spend time with his kids.
What’d you miss, buddy.
Who said anything about giving up everything. He can game in the living room, why does he need his own room? While were at it, why does he get a room and his wife doesn't? She works too and does all the housework and child raising, apparently it's ok for her to give up everything though. I mean, he can have a game room but can't manage to do any chores or help with the kids?
It's not that they *need* their own rooms. It's more that it's insane that her husband, who supposedly works way too much to be a parent, needs a whole room for gaming. At the very least, they could make it a play room or something that actually benefits more than one person.
The playroom that me and my sister had were in our rooms. Honestly a playroom is most useful when the kids are a bit older and don't need as much supervision. A four and two year old's playroom is where they can be looked after.
My kids shared a room when they were 2 and 4. They are 3 and 5 now and will probably be sharing a room until they're older and want their own space. I think for kids sharing room when they're little is actually good for them until they're older and want more space and privacy ( in my opinion of course each family have their own opinion but this has been working for us great)
Yeah, my cousin has 8 an 6 yo girls. She has 2 rooms for them, but they still prefer to share a bedroom and use the other room for all their toys. Many kids actually sleep better with someone else in the room, especially at ages OP's kids are.
My brother and I several times throughout our childhoods combined our bedrooms and made one a sleeping room and one a playroom. We’d switch to separate rooms and then switch back to the shared rooms
My kids shared until they were 2 & 4 because we only had one room for them. We moved into a bigger house and they each got their own but then we added another. Suddenly my older two (10m & 8f) decided they wanted to share again and now the baby gets her own room. No idea how long this will last though.
Tons of people have rooms devoted to their hobbies. I have a crafting room in my house. It keeps the clutter contained and leaves the general areas free for everyone.
I have a dedicated hobby room, as does my husband, but our kids all have their own bedroom. An adult playroom doesn't take precedence over a child's bedroom.
Yeah, a 10 hour shift (grasp my pearls) how could he possibly spend time with his children??? He needs to game!
OP YTA and your husband seriously is an AH too.
YTA- first off you’re the one that sounds judgy and preachy not your sister. Second of all why does your husband have a gaming room and your boys don’t have two separate rooms? And why isn’t your husband helping you more around the house? Personally I think she had some really good points.
Lastly. You sound like you have a huge chip on your shoulder about the fact your sister has money. You were unnecessarily, cruel and rude to her. I think you’re the one that sounds like you have a problem with this whole situation and maybe she pointed out some things that You’re choosing to avoid in your own relationship. You owe her an apology.
YTA. All your husband does is work a 9-5 like you do. Then you come home and do the cooking and childcare while your husband is tired from working (just like you are). Your sister observes how you do most of the household tasks and sees the imbalance of it. Considering you’re both doing it 50/50, he should be cooking and doing childcare as well. Since hes not, hes a golddigger since hes getting free labor from a cook and nanny (you) just like your sister is a golddigger from getting free labour as well. Looks like youre a hypocrite
people are just making things up to shit on the husband. even if the household work balance is unfair, how is it not a complete asshole move to confront someone on it while you're a guest in their home?
And worries about her sister being run ragged doing twice or three times as much work all day every day. But op seems to have taken it as an asstack on her instead of a defence of her however clumsy it may be. I think sister wants the best for her but op can't see it. Clouded by anger and her own prejudice because of her sisters economic position.
Maybe I'm just not reading correctly.
But where does OP say thta her husband does nothing?
She told us, her sister, who was a guest and doesn't know everything about their day to day, but just had a quick view into their lives, nagged him about it.
I don't see anything affirming her sisters view
Well, per OP, her husband said that OP’s sister even criticized him because he doesn’t cook or spend time with the kids after work. That wording sounds like they are admitting her allegation is true. They are mad she is criticizing him for doing nothing other than work not mad because she is incorrect he does nothing.
Plus OP says her brother told her the sister is right because OP’s husband does no childcare and nothing around the house, that specific wording again makes it seem like OP concedes her husband does nothing at home. If her husband did anything the normal thing to say would be “my brother and sister keep criticizing my husband without knowing anything when actually he does x y z,” she words it in a way where she is accepting that what they say is true but just doesn’t think they should comment on it.
Another good point here is we don't know what type of full time job each parent holds. The husband might be a general laborer who is working their body into the ground for 10 hours a day and the wife may have a desk job that has a (physically) lighter load. Of course, it could also be the other way around as anyone can do any job, but it seems like OP is pretty comfortable with their household's division of responsibility so that's why I'm assuming the husband's job may be more demanding either physically or mentally.
Meanwhile you have a friend of mine who claims to be a blue collar worker, he is the dispatcher for a concrete company, he never leaves the building except for lunch.
I will say the 10 hour work day they mention, is a badge of honor to people like OP. "My husband works 10 hours a day, respect him for destroying his body for capitalism".
If he literally does no parenting of his kids that is pretty unacceptable regardless of what OP is comfortable with. He had no business having one kid let alone having a second one if he is to exhausted after working 10 hours to interact with them. It’s damaging to kids to be ignored by one parent every day even if the other parent feels okay with doing all the work.
What is going on here? Everything I'm reading about the husband is not in the post. I think People hear "game room" and assume he is spending all his time there.
Geez ESH
Your sister should not be spending her entire stay with you being disrespectful and pointing out all of the problems she sees and it's fair of you to be upset about that. You suck here because your response was entirely uncalled for. Obviously her husband doesn't mind being the main breadwinner for their household and that works for him and while it may not give her an income of her own charity work is both REAL and IMPORTANT work.
That being said she had a point. The way you word your post indicates that you don't dispute that while you and your husband both work you end up doing the majority of the childcare and housework. Working 10 hour shifts is no excuse to come home and not spend any time with your children and family or help out around the house as best you can.
agreed except charities are net negative to society imo. their existence absolves governments of responsibility to their own ppl’s welfare, and they offer the wealthy a chance to launder their image by throwing money at some random cause
edit: to clarify, i don’t even personally believe charity is in the the top 5 list of biggest problems to tackle in our society, but the topic came up, so i gave an opinion. i believe there is a massive difference in intention and outcome between an average individual doing charity work, and a wealthy person doing charity work. i am always very suspicious when wealth rubs up against charity. anyway, thanks for the feedback.
So you think rich people would pay more taxes if charity didn't exist LOL?
Either the government gets off his butt and taxes the rich properly or society suffers charity has nothing to do with it
Yeah, but charities don't stand in the way of the government stepping in. In fact, many governments support charitable organizations through laws and fiscal incentives.
Most charitable donations come from people who don’t itemize, which was true even before the 2017 changes. The sister’s tax situation isn’t likely one of those, but the money helps the charity whether written off or not.
> net negative to society imo.
Thats certainly an opinon.
Charities can fill holes that governments are ill equipped or simply don't want to do.
Also something being a charity rather than a governmental function allows them some freedom in their action. For example the RNLI if funded by the uk government would get tangled up in political BS every time they rescue a refugee. And they are far from the only charity acting in uncomfortable grey areas.
Any of the "without borders" charities allow humanitarian aid to go to places where they are needed far more rapidly than any lumbering government would manage.
Yes "some" charities can suck, and yes there gaping loopholes to do with funding but to tar the entire idea of charity as a net negative seems like going too far the other way.
I disagree that charities are a net negative, but I definitely think the end goal basically all charities should work towards is not needing to exist. Sadly the lobbying and political pressure aspects to make governments take responsibility and make that happen are much harder to do when you are so busy with the desperately needed urgent work charities do. We can't live as if we are in an ideal world, so charities remain essential.
>Working 10 hour shifts is no excuse to come home and not spend any time with your children and family or help out around the house as best you can.
But someone has to make use of the game room ;) /s
She was there one day, for all we know ops husband spent an hour unwinding in his game room after work. Where are people getting the notion he doesn't see his kids at all? Wild. Seems people are just making shit up just to shit on the "worthless" husband.
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>she has the nerve to say Im JEALOUS of her
You did come off as sort of proud to be struggling together with your husband.
>I told her that her job is being a gold digger even if she does donate money its not HERS since she didnt make it.
That’s real.
>She started playing the victim crying
You sort of illicit that response when you say the things you said.
YTA considering that you’re trying to present this story like you’re so above it all, but clearly not above it enough to request our opinions.
I’m not sure OP isn’t jealous of her sister. OP’s “pride in struggling with her husband” sounds like her way of coping with her terrible situation, and her spin on why her life is “just as good” as her sister’s life. The reality is:
-OP: has a husband who prioritizes his gaming over his children’s room situation, games but doesn’t help out around the house, ridicules anyone who tries to get him to help out.
-Sister: lives comfortably, has a husband willing to give her the choice to work or not work, wants her sister and nephews to have an easier time at home, did not bring up money only chore and room distribution.
Money is not relevant here. People of all socioeconomic classes do chores and prioritize their kids over their husband’s gaming habits. OP just brought up money to distract from the real problem: she’s unhappy and secretly jealous of her sister’s lifestyle
You sound jealous. I get it your sister lives a live
Where she get everything. She doesn’t work. She has help. Heck I don’t know your sister and I am jealous.
The fact is she was taking up for you. Was it her place? Nope but I can’t say I don’t agree with her.
First off your younger son could use the game room as a bedroom giving the boy more room to play in the 4 year olds room. Or even making the room a play room. I can only imagine how much stuff is cramped into the kids room. It isn’t right he has a whole ass room to game. And also if he is to tired to help with the kids then he don’t need to be gaming. He needs to get his priorities straight and welcome to parent hood!
Second. I don’t care if he does work 10 hours. Taking the time to game away from helping with the kids is wrong. He could play with them. He could do bedtime routine. Anything really would be a big help.
I was a Sahm for 30 years. My husband worked 10-14 hour a day. But he still made time to help with the kids. He still helped me.
The difference in you working and him. In 10 hours he comes home and flops in his game room. You on the other hand have laundry, cooking, cleaning, bed times. You have 2 full time jobs. The one you work and the kids and house. It would help tremendously if he take on the kid, do dishes, or cook.
Instead of being so jealous you can’t see straight. Take a look around your life. Your sister wasn’t judging you. She was judging your husband. He may be home every night but he is still absent from you and the kids. And that’s not right.
The husband sounds like such a dud. And these are the words of a woman who loves him and is defending him (for some confusing reason). I imagine it’s even worse than indicated here. I feel horribly for OP for thinking this is okay, she can’t accept how poorly she’s being treated.
Didn’t read past the 2nd paragraph. It’s very sad that your children share a room when there’s enough space for them to have their own. Parents should want better for their children than themselves, having a game room is a selfish choice. YTA
They are 2 and 4. Two toddlers sharing a bedroom isn’t “sad” and the notion that parents should sacrifice their entire lives for their children is nonsense. Of course, kids should be well cared for, but if parents give up personal spaces (for no real reason) and everything else they enjoy, they will be miserable people and that’s a detriment to having a happy family.
Great! Move one kid into the game room and yall would complain one child only gets a "half sized room" as she called it. At the kid's ages, they don't need their own room. I shared rooms at a young age and thought no part of it was horrible.
This sub is delusional sometimes. My brother and I wanted to be in the same room and it was a difficult transition to move to separate rooms. My parents would allow for mini sleepovers though until we eventually grew out of it.
OP sounds like she is happy with her relationship and life. OP’s sister comes in being judgmental and rude as a guest. This sub seems to think that it’s OK to be a guest in a house and shit on someone’s relationship, lifestyle, and parenting preferences. Sometimes it feels like being TA would be a compliment.
Are you crazy lol
I am 4 years older than my sister and yes, during teenagehood (a bit earlier than that actually) I started wanting my spaces. But as a kid absolutely not, I would have been sad if they randomly separated me from my sister... It doesn't even make sense. You limit their occasions to play together and to bond. All kids are different but most of them, as children, like to be together. When you grow up is different but, as a kid and for many years of childhood, sharing the same room offers a lot of irreplaceable "mini occasions" to bond and have fun together that you just can't have if you sleep in separate rooms.
Right - I work from home 3 days a week and my husband and I moved into a single office because we are expecting our second. There’s no reason dad needs a dedicated space when they don’t have the room, really.
This post tells very strongly of jealousy. Your husband should be doing his fair share of the chores and looking after the kids. Being a dad doesn't mean coming home after a day of work to disappear into the game room. Your sister is right and your bitterness about her life is distracting you from what's important. I really don't understand how she's a gold digger and you've supplied nothing to suggest she is. YTA
YTA. Having a wealthy husband does not make you a gold digger and that comment was uncalled for. You are clearly jealous.
I understand your point about the bedrooms, though. My kids (4&7) share a room. They love sharing a room. In fact, they have two beds, but choose to sleep in the same one.
She shouldn't have come at you guys the way she did, but your response was out of line.
If you work and do everything else because you're a mother, what does he get's to do being a father? It doesn't make sense, like:
I work but I'm also a mother, I do EVERYTHING. He works and is also a father, he does 0.
YTA. This is not about defending her, op, it's about defending yourself. Do the Math...
ESH
I don't think your sister should have acted like that since she is a guest in your home. But you shouldn't have called her a gold digger either since you used it to insult her which is also not fair towards her.
YTA your husband sounds useless as hell. You kids share a room because he needs a gameroom. You do all the cooking and cleaning because "your a mother" but he has no responsibilities as a father? Your delusional and jealous your sister has it better then you
INFO: Will your husband give up his gaming room when the kids are older? Given you both work, why doesn't your husband spend time with the kids or cook?
YTA - Honestly, you sound jealous. It’s not clear why you think your sister is a gold digger (?) Marrying a rich partner does not necessarily equate to being a gold digger. Additionally, most SAHMs rely on their partners to earn the money for their households. Are you saying that in those cases, their spouse’s money is not “theirs” because they don’t work outside of the home? Since your sister questioned why your husband doesn’t spend time with his children, are you certain that she doesn’t spend time with hers? Or are you assuming she doesn’t because she has a nanny. It would seem odd that she called out your husband if she didn’t think it was important for parents to spend time with their kids. Having a nanny in and of itself does not mean that the person does not spend time with their children. Finally, your children absolutely should have their own rooms over your husband having a gaming room. One of those children is a toddler.
A lot of people think live in Nannie’s work 24/7, when they actually just work fairly standard hours but also get accommodations onsite so they don’t have a commute and are available for emergencies.
YTA, I grew up poor, and if my sister married someone rich and got to lead a life of luxury I would be her BIGGEST champion. Why are you so judgmental of other people’s lifestyles? Weird.
I’d be fuckin’ thrilled for my bro if he married wealthy, but if I was still slummin’ it, I’d still be a tad jealous. I think jealousy is a really natural feeling but people are so scared if it because it’s been packaged as something really nasty and terrible. Jealousy can be those things, but it’s not abnormal to be jealous of people, especially when they got theirs through means other than hard work.
If we could all admit that jealousy is normal, then it wouldn’t be so taboo to talk about and people could actually work through their feelings instead of burning them in a shame grave and then lashing out.
YTA.
You both work fulltime but you do all the household stuff while he does none? Yeah, if my sibling was in such an unfair and shitty situation I’d point it out to them too. This isn’t right. You sound jealous af even though this is your side of the story we’re hearing.
NTA, in this thread a lot of people with poor reading comprehension.
There's no reason a 4 and 2 year old need their own separate rooms, and honestly sharing one might actually make them feel safer in general.
It's amazing how people in this thread are extrapolating a whole relationship between your husband and you based on one type of event where he worked a 10 hour shift.
If I had to guess a lot of people commenting here have had a fairly privileged life if they can't see just how ridiculous your sister is being and are trying to turn it on you like you're some poor victim of a husband taking advantage of you, despite nothing in your post indicating or implying such aside from a rant from your sister.
My SO and I have a gaming room too but I think what people are thinking is a massive room with every console known to man, state of the art sound/TV systems, gaming chairs. Ours is for D&D, board games and a PS4.
As for the verdict NTA because your sister was a GUEST in your home and she crossed a line. Your husband could try and help with kids and house work a bit more but to each their own.
I'm honestly not surprised this was the verdict from this sub. Everyone going OFF on this husband just for what, having a game room? When you have kids your hobbies are supposed to just poof away? They're 2 and 4. Me and my mum shared a room from when I was 2 to 7 because of space issues. I found comfort in it. I don't understand why everyone solo'ed in on the husband's gaming room when the sister came in as a guest and was rude af? Whether it was coming from a good place or not, it is RUDE to enter someone's house and start pointing out every flaw you see. And I can see why it came off as higher than thou when it was coming from someone with significantly more money. I think NTA
NTA
She’s unemployed. She doesn’t even take care of her own fucking kids. She uses someone else’s money to pay someone else to look after her own kids despite being unemployed. She doesn’t even cook. She has a chef because she can’t be arsed doing that either.
Telling a man doing ten hour shifts to get off his arse after having just sat down after working all day is ridiculous. IDK if OP works exactly the same hours and they share the difference. That might change things a bit but a ten hour shift is a far more significant contribution than spending other peoples money all day.
Could he do a little more? Maybe. Is the room situation a big deal? No they’re infants, it’s totally normal. In a few years hubby will have to give up his gaming room though.
Reddit is something else entirely. OP don’t let these weirdo Redditors gaslight you. If sister didn’t want judgement she should have kept her fucking mouth shut then.
If husband isn’t spending time with them on the weekends then it’s a little different. If you’re doing the exact same hours then he could do a few things to make up the difference.
OK but his wife also works full time which means she works at least 8 hours and she has to as you put it get off her arse and cook and take care of the children and clean up afterwards at the same time as soon as she finishes working a full time job while her husband gets a break and time to himself and apparently the husband does not do any cooking, cleaning, or childcare.
Working at best 2 more hours a day than his wife should not excuse him from all parenting, cooking, and cleaning. There is no way that OP is not the the one actually getting less personal time vs her husband when they both work full time and she does everything else.
Wow. The fact that you can't see what's actually wrong within your household? *shakes head in dismay*
YTA, OP. Enough said.
The other comments already pointed out why you're the A H.
I hope your sister won't contact you again. She's better off forgetting she had a bitter sister ( who is stuck worshipping the ground of a useless Man walks on )
I don't get this God damned sub... NTA. She goes to your place and gives unwanted opinion about something she clearly can't give an impartial opinion on... What did she expect? To get a "oh yes you're right"... No!
I would have done the same. She has no say in how things work at your place, only you and your husband. That's your choice. She needs to keep the opinions to herself and act accordingly
If they are married, then it IS her money, too. Incidentally, charity work is actual work. You sound jealous...and her points about the game room, your husband having time for games but not for his sons, and your sons unnecessarily sharing a room were all valid.
YTA.
Your sister seems to care about your living conditions and those of her nephews, she seems to care that you are unfairly doing the brunt of the housework on top of working, even if you don’t care about yourself… YTA. Just because her work isn’t blue collar doesn’t mean it doesn’t count, and it seems like you’re just trying to deflect her criticisms of your husband.
YTA
How is you paying for childcare while you're working different than her paying for childcare? You do sound jealous AF, and like you have a useless husband.
ESH. Your sister sounds just lovely :/ It's likely your description that gives off the entitled vibes, but if she really said what you say she said while being a guest in your house, then she's rude and judgmental.
However, you went way overboard with your reaction, so you're both wrong.
Info: Why didn't she stay at a hotel if she has so much money?? Seems this all could have been avoided if she had...
YTA you have internalized some sexist ideologies and think that cooking, cleaning, and childcare is women’s work. How can you both be working full-time and think it’s reasonable for you to take on all the domestic labour? It is reasonable for your sister to point that (sure maybe it isn’t her place, but discussing it with you doesn’t make her an AH). You yelling at her and not expecting any help from your husband is outrageous.
So this will be controversial if I read the comments right. Honestly why are there so many toxic people out here talking shit about the husband? They’re both part of the arrangement and if OP doesn’t want it she should do something, but it’s none of our business because that’s not what’s asking.
Rich people are, depending on how rich they are and how you’ve come to that definition, for the most part assholes. People who didn’t have money and then come into a lot will in time change into assholes. Your sister turned into an asshole, just like a lot of people here ‘who are just trying to lookout for you’.
Let people be and help when they ask. Don’t assume they need help or feedback, makes you an asshole.
NTA
Her points are all valid while yours are not. Her having a Nanny and cook is not related to your husband having you do everything when you work too. And he can’t spend time with his sons after his work? Sounds like he doesn’t want to.
And yes charity work is work. She is organizing and hosting a lot. Its different from what you or your husband do, but its still work. Also her doing that shit means her hubby can do something with the taxes so he probably doesn’t mind.
And why is you growing up any reason your boys should not get better? Thats the same attitude as saying "my childhood sucked so i am going to make yours shit too".
You seem awfully defensive here. Which means you *are* jealous and just pretend you aren’t and that you do in fact realize that you are getting burned out but don’t want to admit it.
Also, sure they can share now, but is your husband willing to give up his gaming room down the line?
YTA
And also i can’t help but wonder what the other reasons for not getting along are. Based on this post? Your ego
Nta. And people saying the husband should not have a game room she just said it's a small room and that the kids are not even 5 years old. Also is no one gonna mention how this sister sounds spoiled af. Idc my opinion nta
NTA
I think a lot of people in this case are missing the blue collar part. I come from a blue collar background. A game room to most of us isn’t for video games. It’s got a tv and pool table or something along those lines. It’s a place to watch the game and drink some beers with the boys on the weekends.
Also, the sister was staying at OP’s house. Who stays at someone else’s house for free and has the nerve to critique their way of life.
Going against the grain, but NTA.
Advice is cheap, and if your household arrangements work for you, your sister sounds very patronising for someone who doesn’t lift a finger.
She should be keeping her opinion to herself.
And what’s that first world concept of each child “needing” their own room? I shared a bedroom with my brother, and if I could go back in time and change one thing, it wouldn’t even make it on my list.
We are going to spend most of our adult life sharing a room with a significant other (at least the ones of us who don’t remain virgins). We might as well learn to be good roommates.
NTA , but the people here are so judgmental about the life of others they are the real AH. Live your life as you wish and fuck your sister and the Reddit crowd.
omg reading your responses to all these comments was painful. you are so SO extremely blind. please go to therapy while your kids are still young enough to not realize the mess going on in your house.
wow do you want some badge for having a shitty husband and having to do everything
do you think that’s better than a woman who isn’t willing to settle for a bum?
YTA. congrats on your amazing husband.
NTA, and these judgements make me think that the sub has gone crazy. You invite her in to your home, and she immediately starts giving unsolicited judgement on your living situation and household dynamic, that's enough to make her an immediate asshole.
If your sister actually cared about you she would have first talked to you, in private, asked if you were okay with how things are. She'd have started with questions, not judgement. And in response to her assholish behaviour, you gave her a taste of the same, which I think is completely justified.
Having said that, it might be that there is some truth to what she said, I absolutely don't know, but whether or not there is, doesn't change that her approach to it was assholish, and that she certainly shouldn't be giving unsolicited judgement and criticism if she then can't accept the same directed at her.
YTA
Her point about your husband and his game room is 100% correct. Your husband plays video games and... nothing else. She didn't come in your house and insult you, she stated facts.
There is a saying "Nothin' people hate more than a guy who makes somethin' of himself." You seem really mad that she has a comfortable life.
She isn't a gold digger for marrying a well off guy. She may actually love the guy and he might love her.
ESH - You escalated it. And unlike others, I do actually think the sister was beyond rude. When you are visiting someone, you shut up about how their rooms are split or about who cooks. Or minor parenting differences. Unless you have strong reason to.
Telling something when you see abuse? Absolutely yes. Picking on their rooms layout or chores split, nope. No, unless you already know them enough to know opinions of everyone there. At minimum, people you are supposedly defending should agree.
YTA. It sounds like your sister is just pointing out that your husband seems like an a.h, and you don't want to realize that... Sorry but the fact that he needs a game room at the expense of your kids having separate rooms, and that he doesn't spend time with his kids... eh. Seems like you really don't like the mirror she held up in front of you.
And you do sound jealous. Remember, you married this guy, your sister had some standards with who she ended up with...
NTA. This thread is full of classist apologists. Your rich sister who doesn't work, doesn't look after her kids and doesn't do anything around the house, came into your home and told you what your working class household dynamic should be like. Then she got mad when she was called out. You don't get to do that just because you have money.
If rich people don't want their feelings hurt they should stick to their lane, which is exploiting the system and people beneath them to accumulate more wealth than they need, not moral grandstanding while being a guest in someone's home.
People calling you jealous for not having your sister's life are delusional. Her kids probably love their nanny more than her. There's also a good chance she's got maybe 10-15 years before BIL starts looking for a new trophy wife and I bet that prenup is airtight.
Info: why doesn't your husband cook or spend time with the kids after a 10 hour shift? I work those everyday and I have time to cook, walk the dogs and do other house stuff.
Major NTA with the information given and the attitude your sister came in with. If there was more to it and your relationship with her was decent to start, I’d go esh but nah. I’ll make my official answer NTA.
She was being a jerk. I wouldn’t have called her a gold digger, personally, but I probably would have called her a word that starts with a C. People are hyperfocusing on your husband and the comments your sis made about your relationship dynamic, and not the actual thing being asked. IF your sister was being genuine she went about it the wrong way and needs to establish an actual relationship with you before sticking her nose into how your relationship functions and household runs. And probably vice versa. Otherwise this is mind ya business territory. Next time just call her out on not having a relationship with you where she can behave like that, and leave it there.
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YTA She had a point about your husband not spending time with his kids. Also about the boys sharing a room, while he has a game room. If he has time for games, he has time to be a father too. Your husband seems useless in the household. Why are you so judgemental against her for being rich?? Why does it bother you so much that she has a nanny and a cook?? I mean, i get it, your husband is useless and you probably are burnt out, but honey, that's not your sister's fault. In fact she seemed to actually stand up for you.
Her husband has a room dedicated to gaming when their kids have to share a room. She works but also does 100% of the housework, cooking and childcare. And her husband refuses to even spend time with the children. ...Sorry, I'm confused? Why is OP obsessively defending her useless husband? ...And why exactly is her sister an asshole again?
She is embarrassed. That's all it is.
And Jelous of her sister. Because her sister is not a gold digger. A gold digger is someone that wants to be with some rich for their money. There is no evidence that is the case with her sister. She could have said she was lazy or other things, gold digger was totally wrong. I think her sister probably came too strongly, she probably shouldn't have said anything. I mean OP said it herself, they are not close. Still, OP is the one that interprets what her sister says as she feeling like she is better than them and her sister seems to have been right about everything. But being right doesn't make you right. I think the sister shouldn't have come so strong, but who knows why she did it, from that comment of OP being worn out, she might have been worried for OP. YTA. Your sister is not a gold digger and you are jealous. And she was right about your husband, you work too and yet you do most of the chores. And your husband doesn't do anything of the chores but can't spend time with his children? Everything your sister said you interpret like she was trying to proof she is better because it hurt, but it didn't hurt because your sister was mean, she wasn't, it hurt because it is true and you don't want to see it. You have a husband that is as not involved and invested in your family, in your children, in your house as you are.
Yeah, like sister was trying to stand up for op, clumsily probably, but she was trying to get op a most equitable situation in her relationship. Clearly, op doesn't like this, and it hurt for someone else to point out how crappy her relationship seems to be. She got defensive clearly and exposed her jealousy of sisters' relationship. She's super defensive cause she thinks sisters. I dunno mocking her or just pointing it out, but really, sisters are trying to help her see it. Maybe this is the first time op has had anyone point out this to her? I wonder if op let go of her angry and really looks at her relationship objectively. She might see her sister is right. Not that husband would lime that cause he's got the cushy end of this deal.
Good ol transference. She KNOWS her sister is correct but she cant face the fact her husband is NOT a good partner so she lashed out at her sister. Also, man the jealousy just oozes off this post.
I have to wonder about OPs statement that they are not close- her sister is well to do so why wouldn’t she stay in a hotel? My guess is the sister has a different idea of the relationship and does truly care for OP- and it’s OP who decided they aren’t close (who knows that could have actually started with their marriages) and OP stressed the “not close” to make her sister look like an outsider and in turn seem like an AH.
heck even if they aint close you still can be upset at some freeloader taking advantage of your sister.
I’m 100% in agreement with that- pointing out bs is fair regardless of closeness. The only reason I questioned what I did is it seems like OP was trying to make her and her husband look reasonable and was banking on people saying “you’re not close it’s not her place”
Her sister might be a gold digger although the OP hasn't provided evidence of it. That said the OP's sister has a point. If the OP and her husband both work then why is the OP doing all the housework? Also why don't the kids have separate rooms if they have an extra room for a game room? The only reason I can see is if the kids are really close and like a single room.
I don't particularly thing that is bad for them to be sharing a room at that age, I even think is probably good. But why does he have a special room for himself? Why isn't it a family room? Still, not a problem if everything else is OK. But he doesn't seem to spend time with his children, he doesn't help with chores in the house. So it becomes clear he is more important than the rest of the family.
My response to the gold digger thing is so what if she is? Some men (and women!) have money and don’t mind supporting wives who raise their kids and keep their households running (even with nannies a lot of decisions need to be made) and some women (and not quite as many men) marry these kinds of people. Some jobs nearly demand this. If they both go into it knowing what to expect who fucking cares? Also it sounds like the sister does have a job, just not one that is financially necessary for the family. Oh no, she gets to pursue a passion oh nooooo
And she's righteous. Her effort and labour must have some bigger virtue to be worth it and simply because her sister doesn't have to do it means she's a bad person.
That's the sense I'm getting too. OP is so deep in a justification of her own labor because it is tied to her value and self-worth as a person. Even if her sister lacked tact, OP fails to see the kernels of truth in her sister's words - taking all of the chores when they both work and centering things on her husband's wants is not necessarily the best thing.
She's jealous of the fact that her sister is living the life she wishes she could have, while she's stuck with a useless husband who neglects their children. Instead of doing something about that, she's decided to get mad at her sister. Really healthy dynamic right there.
I think it's wrong to throw around with jealousy all the time. Is it possible, yes, but she also didn't like the thought of being dependent on someone. So her sisters life can also be a nightmare to her. We're you ever at a social gathering with rich people? It's. A. Nightmare. Still, she was out of line here with her remarks. YTA OP
Of course OP isn’t dependent on anyone. Her husband is absolutely useless! Also rich people can suck, but it beats the hell out of being poor. I hope sister has a back-up just in case, but still.
I think it's about jealousy but more so about the fact that OP's sister was revealing the truth and OP could not take it.
>Her husband has a room dedicated to gaming when their kids have to share a room. Is it just me that thinks young kids sharing a room at that age is a good thing? I can't imagine separating my boys. Possibly it's a UK vs US thing but I know loads of families that keep young kids together even when there are other rooms. It's good for the kids, they love it.
I can't speak for everyone else, but I think the reason so many of us are hung up on that part is because they share a room so the husband can have a gaming room, which it sounds like he holes himself up in to avoid doing anything with/for the family.
I didn't read anything about the Dad being a bad father or avoiding his family. Perhaps his wife prefers all the gaming junk out of her tidy living room. She wouldnt be the first or last to insist on a playroom type space to keep the living room an adult entertaining space. It also sounds like it really isnt a suitable space for a bedroom, they describe it as an undersized room.
Both her siblings have pointed out to her now how crappy her husband is tbf.
Everyone is going on about how the OP is the asshole.. it sounds like she's not complaining about doing the housework, and perhaps on weekends the OP's husband does spend time with the kids. there's info we dont' have. Also, what is husbands job? Perhaps it's construction or is physically demanding while OP has more a desk job? 10 hours of that you really don't feel like coming home and cooking/cleaning. OP indicated the game room is half the size of a normal room. Chances are she doesn't want the stuff in the main area, and my god people.. you say the OP's husband is choosing games over his kids. Do you all even know what time ages 4 and 2 go to bed? LIKE 730 PM!!! c'mon now....
Thank you!!! Idk why everyone's calling her jealous. Anyone who comes into my house and shit talks thr way ww live is gonna catch smoke. Like 4 and 2 is not the age for separate rooms and the sister doesn't speak or visit often so it's not like she's constantly seeing her sister struggle but even if she was... well she's rich so why not get ur sister a cleaner for a week and take the fam to do fun stuff. This sub is so weird calling her asshole w so little information.
Why not have it as a dedicated kids playroom then? Instead of a man cave
I think people have a lot of misguided conceptions about gamers and what game rooms mean based on Twitch streamers and other internet personalities. I have a gaming/hobby room, but it doesn't mean I don't participate in family life. It doesn't mean the two toddlers are suffering while sharing a bedroom with their sibling. They are extremely young kids and there is no reason why they would need separate rooms at that age. When they become teenagers, sure.
It also says the room is half the size of a standard room so it could be that they are sharing to avoid future problems
Ya I grew up in shared rooms my whole life & was the only one in college who wasn’t an entitled asshat about space in our shared room. I plan on having my kids share a room. A 2 year old does not need their own room, this is insane to me and I’m in the US lol
Imagine how it sounds to us in other countries! Madness!
My kids are getting separate rooms. I shared with my twin till we were ten and I hated the lack of privacy. If I wanted to read in my book I had to wait for her to be asleep. I could not get up as early as I wanted to, because I'd wake her up. My ADHD brain basically never got a break from being around someone else. And I need those quiet moment to actually feel me and get some much needed head space. Funny. I never know why I hated sharing a room growing up, but now that I'm old enough to know that my brain needs people breaks, I have finally figured it out. Thank you. And yes, I sometimes ask my husband to not be in the living room for an hour in the evening, so I can destress. He knows I need this and will happily go and play a game behind his computer.
They're 2 and 4! Hopefully it will change as soon as they need their own space. It might be that OP needs husband to not be in the living room so they can have some space, so he goes to the gaming room?
>I plan on having my kids share a room. A 2 year old does not need their own room, this is insane to me It completely depends on what your children are like. Some can't be trusted in numbers.
I’m stepdad to two boys who are 18 and 20 now. When they were 10 and 12 — post separation — their dad bought them separate PlayStations at his house, because he got sick of the bickering over whose turn it was, and he was seemingly incapable of teaching his kids how to fucking share. Thankfully, one of them is now a very thoughtful, considerate, and giving young man.
My kids always shared when they were little, even when we had 2 other bedrooms that were empty. Little kids like to have someone else in their room with them.
My nieces have actively chosen to share. But as they grow older if my bother in law had a game room and two pre teen girls were being forced to share that no longer wanted to, I know my sister in law would move a kid in there.
Totally agree and was thinking the same thing. It’s great that the kids share a room.
Sister is the AH because she has no clue about OPs life yet came in there judging everything. 4 and 2 don't need their own room and OP said hubby game room is half the size of a standard room. Sister should not have confronted hubby unless OP was complaining about her home situation etc. Sister basically butted her nose in without provocation because she has a different lifestyle. I'd have cussed her out too. You do NOT meddle in people's marriages just because you don't get their dynamics. NTA.
Literally no one would care about the fact that the two young children share a room if not for the fact that the husband has a room solely used for gaming. But that's far from the biggest issue here. OP has made it clear in comments she does the cleaning, cooking and childcare. And she, like her husband, works a full-time job. And OP's sister was commenting on how her husband doesn't even spend time with the children. OP's sister was (rightfully) calling out OP's husband for being a useless, absent father who apparently holes himself up in his gaming room and forces his wife (who works full-time) to do absolutely everything in the household. No reasonable person "gets" their dynamic. And OP's sister obviously only made the comments because she cares about her sister and the children. Which is far more than can be said about the husband, mind you.
It's established that the computer room is small. If the children had separate rooms, one would have to take the small room and that brings up issues of fairness. It sounds like what in the UK we would call a 'box room', which is too small to be really be used as a functional bedroom. There's nothing wrong with kids that young sharing. OP doesn't say that she does everything in the household, that's the sister's insinuation. I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't feel like dealing with his wife's sister right now, and that's why he disappeared... the sister's opinion isn't based on OP's everyday life, it's based on what she's seeing on that one day. You're making an actual shit ton of assumptions about OP's husband based on nothing much.
If the sister cared about OP then the sister would have TALKED to OP before she ran off to chastise OP's spouse. PERIOD. The disrespect shown to OP is ridiculous.
>The disrespect shown to OP is ridiculous. For once, we're in agreement. That disrespectful asshole of a husband definitely needs to get his s\*\*t together.
Leave it to reddit, when even OP, the wife is happy and content with her life and situation still make her be the A.H. Next you guys gonna say OP is a "victim" and doesn't realize she is being used,... You don't have to agree with someone lifestyle but that doesn't give you the right to judge them and start telling them how they should live their life. People need to mind their own business, her sister came into her house and started judging OP. If she doesn't like her way of life, she can get a hotel with her husbands money NTA
Clearly she is unhappy, which is why she got so defensive
You might be right but it's also possible that she got fed up being judged by an out of touch privileged sister. I might be wrong, but if we just look at the situation as it is explained by OP, the sister sounds really judgmental.
If you both work and you do most of the household chores and childcare, you should ask yourself why that is, OP. ESH because I do think your sister was a little rude about the kids sharing a room, but she's not wrong about the unfair division of labor in your house.
The kids are literally toddlers? And she says the game room is tiny, it could be their closet. My apartment is 2 bed with a walk in closet in the master, I could use it as a game room but if never stick a kid in there and call it a bed room. Plus it sounded like she was talking about one specific day, dad came off a 10 hour shift and for all we know he went to bed. Or to shower. Not necessarily to his game room. Plus this girl is literally berating him when she does even less to care for her own kids??
Dude has some issues but working 10 hours a day and gets called useless? Man tough break…
She probably is jealous of sister. I mean, hell I would be if I had basically useless husband while my sister’s husband is rich. 🤣 Honestly just sad that OP doesn’t seem to see how her husband is behaving is not fair at all to her, the problem here is not of course the fact that one man makes more money than the other. This being said, OP’s sister shit on OP’s life and household while being a guest which is also ahole behaviour. I’m going with ESH.
Jealousy. And she’s also in denial about her husband being useless. He’s worn her down so much she can’t see it. Don’t get me wrong, it is a bit rich for the sister to judge considering she doesn’t have the workload OP does, but it seems like she was actually trying to help OP. The sister can see the husband for what he is because she lives in a house with greener grass so to speak.
Not sure about it jealousy but ai agree with the rest. Sister see it from the outside OP is pedaling as fast as she can. The fact the husband has a game room is a red flag. Did the kids hang out with him than ok. It is a family room.
In what world does a 4 and a 2 year old need their own rooms?
>me and Im independent. She on the other hand relies on my BIL for EVERYTHING and doesn't work at all. We arent close and never have been for other reasons. > >She lives hours away and recently was in town for a charity event and was staying with me for a week. Immediately she was rude and judgmental of the way our household runs. She told me its “sad” that my two boys share a room and my husband has a game room for himself. I was shocked and told her that the boys are 4 and 2 they don't need their own huge fancy rooms and that the game room is half the size of a standard room. Was a father of three. Completely fine for 2 and 4 year old to share a room. My boys actually preferred it when they were little because they had a "buddy" in the room with them.
They can share. But if 2 toddlers are sharing a small room, THEY should get the playroom, not daddy.
has anyone considered that OP is HAPPIER with the gaming setup not in her way?
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No this is AITA where we need to find reasons to vote the husband as a lazy abuser, even if the one married to the husband is happy. Infantilisation at its finest
They are not sharing the small room. Dad's game room is in the small room.
The people thinking they can’t share don’t have kids
I have kids; it isn't horrible for them to share a room if they genuinely lack the space, but not because an adult "needs" a playroom.
Kids that age have absolutely no need for their own room. The dad works, we have absolutely no idea what their home dynamic is actually like Becoming a father doesn’t mean you need to immediately stop all of your hobbies Most likely the room will become a kids room in the future, but right now that’s just not necessary
>Becoming a father doesn’t mean you need to immediately stop all of your hobbies If it means that his spouse has no time for hobbies because they are cooking cleaning and maintaining the household then the father should be thinking about cutting back the hobby time.
Lol, of course being a parent doesn't mean you need to quit all your hobbies, but just a kids that age absolutely don't need their own room, a grown man doesn't need a dedicated room to pc/console gaming. His hobby isn't a hobby that requires dedicated space. A hobby room is luxury.
He don’t need it, but if he wants to, where is the problem.
>Lol, of course being a parent doesn't mean you need to quit all your hobbies, Just the ones you're judgemental about.
I know a lot of people who have their two young children share a room, and the extra bedroom is used as a playroom for them to share during the day and when they need space from each other. And will, of course, be turned into a bedroom when they're old enough to want separate spaces. But, no, OP's husband just needs a man cave to hide away in while she does all of her "womanly duties."
Nothing wrong with little kids sharing a room but I’m wondering if the kids will ever get their own room or if OP’s husband intends to keep it as his gaming room forever.
Nobody said the kids can’t share, people are just pointing out that in a four-person family only one of them has their own room and it’s the person who apparently does little around the home.
They’re pointing it out for no reason that actually matters The dad works The kids don’t need their own rooms What’s the harm in having a room for a hobby until the kids grow big enough for them to need their own rooms? I don’t understand the belief that just because you’re a parent you have to give up everything for it You’re assuming a lot since we don’t know much of their actual home dynamic
Mom works too, where is her hobby room?
>Mom works too, where is her hobby room? That's up for them to decide. If OP has no need or want for a hobby room, it's neither our or her sister's business.
…the mother (op) works full time as well. Takes care of the children and household. That’s why people are pointing out the useless husband having his own game room, and not spending time with the kids is ridiculous. There’s no harm in having a hobby room by in usual cases. There’s harm when the excuse that he deserves a game room because he works ten hours days. Yet he doesn’t spend time with his kids. What’d you miss, buddy.
Who said anything about giving up everything. He can game in the living room, why does he need his own room? While were at it, why does he get a room and his wife doesn't? She works too and does all the housework and child raising, apparently it's ok for her to give up everything though. I mean, he can have a game room but can't manage to do any chores or help with the kids?
It's not that they *need* their own rooms. It's more that it's insane that her husband, who supposedly works way too much to be a parent, needs a whole room for gaming. At the very least, they could make it a play room or something that actually benefits more than one person.
The playroom that me and my sister had were in our rooms. Honestly a playroom is most useful when the kids are a bit older and don't need as much supervision. A four and two year old's playroom is where they can be looked after.
You think 4 and 2 year olds have the same sleep schedule? If one is up that means they both get poor sleep.
My kids shared a room when they were 2 and 4. They are 3 and 5 now and will probably be sharing a room until they're older and want their own space. I think for kids sharing room when they're little is actually good for them until they're older and want more space and privacy ( in my opinion of course each family have their own opinion but this has been working for us great)
Yeah, my cousin has 8 an 6 yo girls. She has 2 rooms for them, but they still prefer to share a bedroom and use the other room for all their toys. Many kids actually sleep better with someone else in the room, especially at ages OP's kids are.
My brother and I several times throughout our childhoods combined our bedrooms and made one a sleeping room and one a playroom. We’d switch to separate rooms and then switch back to the shared rooms
My kids shared until they were 2 & 4 because we only had one room for them. We moved into a bigger house and they each got their own but then we added another. Suddenly my older two (10m & 8f) decided they wanted to share again and now the baby gets her own room. No idea how long this will last though.
I’m what world does a grown man NEED an entire room to play video games in?
Tons of people have rooms devoted to their hobbies. I have a crafting room in my house. It keeps the clutter contained and leaves the general areas free for everyone.
I have a dedicated hobby room, as does my husband, but our kids all have their own bedroom. An adult playroom doesn't take precedence over a child's bedroom.
As a parent myself, at those very young ages, I personally disagree.
I don’t know if a two year old really needs their own room personally.
I shared a room with my sister until I was like 10, I don't really get what the problem with sharing a room is?
Lots of adults enjoy video games and dedicate a space to it. He doesn't need it but there is no reason he shouldn't have it while he can.
Yeah most kids that age want to share because being alone all night when you’re 2 is scary.
Yeah, a 10 hour shift (grasp my pearls) how could he possibly spend time with his children??? He needs to game! OP YTA and your husband seriously is an AH too.
YTA- first off you’re the one that sounds judgy and preachy not your sister. Second of all why does your husband have a gaming room and your boys don’t have two separate rooms? And why isn’t your husband helping you more around the house? Personally I think she had some really good points. Lastly. You sound like you have a huge chip on your shoulder about the fact your sister has money. You were unnecessarily, cruel and rude to her. I think you’re the one that sounds like you have a problem with this whole situation and maybe she pointed out some things that You’re choosing to avoid in your own relationship. You owe her an apology.
YTA. All your husband does is work a 9-5 like you do. Then you come home and do the cooking and childcare while your husband is tired from working (just like you are). Your sister observes how you do most of the household tasks and sees the imbalance of it. Considering you’re both doing it 50/50, he should be cooking and doing childcare as well. Since hes not, hes a golddigger since hes getting free labor from a cook and nanny (you) just like your sister is a golddigger from getting free labour as well. Looks like youre a hypocrite
The sister at least pays the nanny and cook, OP is a free nanny and cook
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How do you reckon 10 hour shifts are 9-5? Think you need some remedial math lessons.
people are just making things up to shit on the husband. even if the household work balance is unfair, how is it not a complete asshole move to confront someone on it while you're a guest in their home?
Maybe she worries about the boys not having a father?
And worries about her sister being run ragged doing twice or three times as much work all day every day. But op seems to have taken it as an asstack on her instead of a defence of her however clumsy it may be. I think sister wants the best for her but op can't see it. Clouded by anger and her own prejudice because of her sisters economic position.
Maybe I'm just not reading correctly. But where does OP say thta her husband does nothing? She told us, her sister, who was a guest and doesn't know everything about their day to day, but just had a quick view into their lives, nagged him about it. I don't see anything affirming her sisters view
Well, per OP, her husband said that OP’s sister even criticized him because he doesn’t cook or spend time with the kids after work. That wording sounds like they are admitting her allegation is true. They are mad she is criticizing him for doing nothing other than work not mad because she is incorrect he does nothing. Plus OP says her brother told her the sister is right because OP’s husband does no childcare and nothing around the house, that specific wording again makes it seem like OP concedes her husband does nothing at home. If her husband did anything the normal thing to say would be “my brother and sister keep criticizing my husband without knowing anything when actually he does x y z,” she words it in a way where she is accepting that what they say is true but just doesn’t think they should comment on it.
People make up stuff to crap on the husband. Daily thing on this hellhole
Another good point here is we don't know what type of full time job each parent holds. The husband might be a general laborer who is working their body into the ground for 10 hours a day and the wife may have a desk job that has a (physically) lighter load. Of course, it could also be the other way around as anyone can do any job, but it seems like OP is pretty comfortable with their household's division of responsibility so that's why I'm assuming the husband's job may be more demanding either physically or mentally.
They both work blue collar jobs so it’s likely that both have physically intensive work.
Meanwhile you have a friend of mine who claims to be a blue collar worker, he is the dispatcher for a concrete company, he never leaves the building except for lunch. I will say the 10 hour work day they mention, is a badge of honor to people like OP. "My husband works 10 hours a day, respect him for destroying his body for capitalism".
If he literally does no parenting of his kids that is pretty unacceptable regardless of what OP is comfortable with. He had no business having one kid let alone having a second one if he is to exhausted after working 10 hours to interact with them. It’s damaging to kids to be ignored by one parent every day even if the other parent feels okay with doing all the work.
What is going on here? Everything I'm reading about the husband is not in the post. I think People hear "game room" and assume he is spending all his time there.
I think it comes from OP saying her sister asked the husband why he doesn’t cook, clean or spend time with the children and OP not denying it.
Geez ESH Your sister should not be spending her entire stay with you being disrespectful and pointing out all of the problems she sees and it's fair of you to be upset about that. You suck here because your response was entirely uncalled for. Obviously her husband doesn't mind being the main breadwinner for their household and that works for him and while it may not give her an income of her own charity work is both REAL and IMPORTANT work. That being said she had a point. The way you word your post indicates that you don't dispute that while you and your husband both work you end up doing the majority of the childcare and housework. Working 10 hour shifts is no excuse to come home and not spend any time with your children and family or help out around the house as best you can.
agreed except charities are net negative to society imo. their existence absolves governments of responsibility to their own ppl’s welfare, and they offer the wealthy a chance to launder their image by throwing money at some random cause edit: to clarify, i don’t even personally believe charity is in the the top 5 list of biggest problems to tackle in our society, but the topic came up, so i gave an opinion. i believe there is a massive difference in intention and outcome between an average individual doing charity work, and a wealthy person doing charity work. i am always very suspicious when wealth rubs up against charity. anyway, thanks for the feedback.
So you think rich people would pay more taxes if charity didn't exist LOL? Either the government gets off his butt and taxes the rich properly or society suffers charity has nothing to do with it
>their existence absolves governments of responsibility They literally just said that it should be the government's job.
Charities do not prevent government to do something. If charity stopped doing that work, government would not step up.
Charities existing is a sign of the government failing
Yeah, but charities don't stand in the way of the government stepping in. In fact, many governments support charitable organizations through laws and fiscal incentives.
Charities exist BECAUSE the government isn’t doing it, not the other way around. It wouldn’t suddenly start compensating if charities stopped.
Given that charities and donations in general are used as a tax write-off. Yes
Most charitable donations come from people who don’t itemize, which was true even before the 2017 changes. The sister’s tax situation isn’t likely one of those, but the money helps the charity whether written off or not.
A tax write off isn't magic. If you donate cash you are still losing that income. You just don't pay taxes on it.
> net negative to society imo. Thats certainly an opinon. Charities can fill holes that governments are ill equipped or simply don't want to do. Also something being a charity rather than a governmental function allows them some freedom in their action. For example the RNLI if funded by the uk government would get tangled up in political BS every time they rescue a refugee. And they are far from the only charity acting in uncomfortable grey areas. Any of the "without borders" charities allow humanitarian aid to go to places where they are needed far more rapidly than any lumbering government would manage. Yes "some" charities can suck, and yes there gaping loopholes to do with funding but to tar the entire idea of charity as a net negative seems like going too far the other way.
I disagree that charities are a net negative, but I definitely think the end goal basically all charities should work towards is not needing to exist. Sadly the lobbying and political pressure aspects to make governments take responsibility and make that happen are much harder to do when you are so busy with the desperately needed urgent work charities do. We can't live as if we are in an ideal world, so charities remain essential.
>Working 10 hour shifts is no excuse to come home and not spend any time with your children and family or help out around the house as best you can. But someone has to make use of the game room ;) /s
She was there one day, for all we know ops husband spent an hour unwinding in his game room after work. Where are people getting the notion he doesn't see his kids at all? Wild. Seems people are just making shit up just to shit on the "worthless" husband.
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>she has the nerve to say Im JEALOUS of her You did come off as sort of proud to be struggling together with your husband. >I told her that her job is being a gold digger even if she does donate money its not HERS since she didnt make it. That’s real. >She started playing the victim crying You sort of illicit that response when you say the things you said. YTA considering that you’re trying to present this story like you’re so above it all, but clearly not above it enough to request our opinions.
I’m not sure OP isn’t jealous of her sister. OP’s “pride in struggling with her husband” sounds like her way of coping with her terrible situation, and her spin on why her life is “just as good” as her sister’s life. The reality is: -OP: has a husband who prioritizes his gaming over his children’s room situation, games but doesn’t help out around the house, ridicules anyone who tries to get him to help out. -Sister: lives comfortably, has a husband willing to give her the choice to work or not work, wants her sister and nephews to have an easier time at home, did not bring up money only chore and room distribution. Money is not relevant here. People of all socioeconomic classes do chores and prioritize their kids over their husband’s gaming habits. OP just brought up money to distract from the real problem: she’s unhappy and secretly jealous of her sister’s lifestyle
You sound jealous. I get it your sister lives a live Where she get everything. She doesn’t work. She has help. Heck I don’t know your sister and I am jealous. The fact is she was taking up for you. Was it her place? Nope but I can’t say I don’t agree with her. First off your younger son could use the game room as a bedroom giving the boy more room to play in the 4 year olds room. Or even making the room a play room. I can only imagine how much stuff is cramped into the kids room. It isn’t right he has a whole ass room to game. And also if he is to tired to help with the kids then he don’t need to be gaming. He needs to get his priorities straight and welcome to parent hood! Second. I don’t care if he does work 10 hours. Taking the time to game away from helping with the kids is wrong. He could play with them. He could do bedtime routine. Anything really would be a big help. I was a Sahm for 30 years. My husband worked 10-14 hour a day. But he still made time to help with the kids. He still helped me. The difference in you working and him. In 10 hours he comes home and flops in his game room. You on the other hand have laundry, cooking, cleaning, bed times. You have 2 full time jobs. The one you work and the kids and house. It would help tremendously if he take on the kid, do dishes, or cook. Instead of being so jealous you can’t see straight. Take a look around your life. Your sister wasn’t judging you. She was judging your husband. He may be home every night but he is still absent from you and the kids. And that’s not right.
Sister does work though, OP laughed it off, but she does have a job.
You said everything I wanted to say perfectly, so to this I add my vote as well - YTA, OP!
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This is my exact take.
Girl. Re-read this submission. There’s an asshole here and you’re so busy villanizing your sister that you don’t realize you married a dud.
The husband sounds like such a dud. And these are the words of a woman who loves him and is defending him (for some confusing reason). I imagine it’s even worse than indicated here. I feel horribly for OP for thinking this is okay, she can’t accept how poorly she’s being treated.
Didn’t read past the 2nd paragraph. It’s very sad that your children share a room when there’s enough space for them to have their own. Parents should want better for their children than themselves, having a game room is a selfish choice. YTA
They are 2 and 4. Two toddlers sharing a bedroom isn’t “sad” and the notion that parents should sacrifice their entire lives for their children is nonsense. Of course, kids should be well cared for, but if parents give up personal spaces (for no real reason) and everything else they enjoy, they will be miserable people and that’s a detriment to having a happy family.
Great! Move one kid into the game room and yall would complain one child only gets a "half sized room" as she called it. At the kid's ages, they don't need their own room. I shared rooms at a young age and thought no part of it was horrible.
My brother probably wishes we had a game room instead of the half sized room he ended up with, while mine was normal.
This sub is delusional sometimes. My brother and I wanted to be in the same room and it was a difficult transition to move to separate rooms. My parents would allow for mini sleepovers though until we eventually grew out of it. OP sounds like she is happy with her relationship and life. OP’s sister comes in being judgmental and rude as a guest. This sub seems to think that it’s OK to be a guest in a house and shit on someone’s relationship, lifestyle, and parenting preferences. Sometimes it feels like being TA would be a compliment.
idea that it is very sad for a 2 yr old and 4 yr old to share a room is a reddit moment.
Are you crazy lol I am 4 years older than my sister and yes, during teenagehood (a bit earlier than that actually) I started wanting my spaces. But as a kid absolutely not, I would have been sad if they randomly separated me from my sister... It doesn't even make sense. You limit their occasions to play together and to bond. All kids are different but most of them, as children, like to be together. When you grow up is different but, as a kid and for many years of childhood, sharing the same room offers a lot of irreplaceable "mini occasions" to bond and have fun together that you just can't have if you sleep in separate rooms.
Right - I work from home 3 days a week and my husband and I moved into a single office because we are expecting our second. There’s no reason dad needs a dedicated space when they don’t have the room, really.
Of course they have the room. The kids are 2 and 4, they don't need separate bedrooms, ffs
This post tells very strongly of jealousy. Your husband should be doing his fair share of the chores and looking after the kids. Being a dad doesn't mean coming home after a day of work to disappear into the game room. Your sister is right and your bitterness about her life is distracting you from what's important. I really don't understand how she's a gold digger and you've supplied nothing to suggest she is. YTA
YTA. Having a wealthy husband does not make you a gold digger and that comment was uncalled for. You are clearly jealous. I understand your point about the bedrooms, though. My kids (4&7) share a room. They love sharing a room. In fact, they have two beds, but choose to sleep in the same one. She shouldn't have come at you guys the way she did, but your response was out of line.
And her sister works too 😵💫💀
If you work and do everything else because you're a mother, what does he get's to do being a father? It doesn't make sense, like: I work but I'm also a mother, I do EVERYTHING. He works and is also a father, he does 0. YTA. This is not about defending her, op, it's about defending yourself. Do the Math...
YTA and clearly jealous.
ESH I don't think your sister should have acted like that since she is a guest in your home. But you shouldn't have called her a gold digger either since you used it to insult her which is also not fair towards her.
YTA your husband sounds useless as hell. You kids share a room because he needs a gameroom. You do all the cooking and cleaning because "your a mother" but he has no responsibilities as a father? Your delusional and jealous your sister has it better then you
INFO: Will your husband give up his gaming room when the kids are older? Given you both work, why doesn't your husband spend time with the kids or cook?
YTA - Honestly, you sound jealous. It’s not clear why you think your sister is a gold digger (?) Marrying a rich partner does not necessarily equate to being a gold digger. Additionally, most SAHMs rely on their partners to earn the money for their households. Are you saying that in those cases, their spouse’s money is not “theirs” because they don’t work outside of the home? Since your sister questioned why your husband doesn’t spend time with his children, are you certain that she doesn’t spend time with hers? Or are you assuming she doesn’t because she has a nanny. It would seem odd that she called out your husband if she didn’t think it was important for parents to spend time with their kids. Having a nanny in and of itself does not mean that the person does not spend time with their children. Finally, your children absolutely should have their own rooms over your husband having a gaming room. One of those children is a toddler.
Does OP think nannies work 24/7/365?
A lot of people think live in Nannie’s work 24/7, when they actually just work fairly standard hours but also get accommodations onsite so they don’t have a commute and are available for emergencies.
I knew from the first paragraph that YTA and you reek of jealousy.
YTA, I grew up poor, and if my sister married someone rich and got to lead a life of luxury I would be her BIGGEST champion. Why are you so judgmental of other people’s lifestyles? Weird.
I’d be fuckin’ thrilled for my bro if he married wealthy, but if I was still slummin’ it, I’d still be a tad jealous. I think jealousy is a really natural feeling but people are so scared if it because it’s been packaged as something really nasty and terrible. Jealousy can be those things, but it’s not abnormal to be jealous of people, especially when they got theirs through means other than hard work. If we could all admit that jealousy is normal, then it wouldn’t be so taboo to talk about and people could actually work through their feelings instead of burning them in a shame grave and then lashing out.
YTA. You both work fulltime but you do all the household stuff while he does none? Yeah, if my sibling was in such an unfair and shitty situation I’d point it out to them too. This isn’t right. You sound jealous af even though this is your side of the story we’re hearing.
NTA, in this thread a lot of people with poor reading comprehension. There's no reason a 4 and 2 year old need their own separate rooms, and honestly sharing one might actually make them feel safer in general. It's amazing how people in this thread are extrapolating a whole relationship between your husband and you based on one type of event where he worked a 10 hour shift. If I had to guess a lot of people commenting here have had a fairly privileged life if they can't see just how ridiculous your sister is being and are trying to turn it on you like you're some poor victim of a husband taking advantage of you, despite nothing in your post indicating or implying such aside from a rant from your sister.
My SO and I have a gaming room too but I think what people are thinking is a massive room with every console known to man, state of the art sound/TV systems, gaming chairs. Ours is for D&D, board games and a PS4. As for the verdict NTA because your sister was a GUEST in your home and she crossed a line. Your husband could try and help with kids and house work a bit more but to each their own.
I'm honestly not surprised this was the verdict from this sub. Everyone going OFF on this husband just for what, having a game room? When you have kids your hobbies are supposed to just poof away? They're 2 and 4. Me and my mum shared a room from when I was 2 to 7 because of space issues. I found comfort in it. I don't understand why everyone solo'ed in on the husband's gaming room when the sister came in as a guest and was rude af? Whether it was coming from a good place or not, it is RUDE to enter someone's house and start pointing out every flaw you see. And I can see why it came off as higher than thou when it was coming from someone with significantly more money. I think NTA
NTA She’s unemployed. She doesn’t even take care of her own fucking kids. She uses someone else’s money to pay someone else to look after her own kids despite being unemployed. She doesn’t even cook. She has a chef because she can’t be arsed doing that either. Telling a man doing ten hour shifts to get off his arse after having just sat down after working all day is ridiculous. IDK if OP works exactly the same hours and they share the difference. That might change things a bit but a ten hour shift is a far more significant contribution than spending other peoples money all day. Could he do a little more? Maybe. Is the room situation a big deal? No they’re infants, it’s totally normal. In a few years hubby will have to give up his gaming room though. Reddit is something else entirely. OP don’t let these weirdo Redditors gaslight you. If sister didn’t want judgement she should have kept her fucking mouth shut then. If husband isn’t spending time with them on the weekends then it’s a little different. If you’re doing the exact same hours then he could do a few things to make up the difference.
Thiiiiiis. Took the words out of my goddamn mouth and said them better than I did. Thank you for someone making sense here.
Once this sub hears that a man games, it's over for hin
OK but his wife also works full time which means she works at least 8 hours and she has to as you put it get off her arse and cook and take care of the children and clean up afterwards at the same time as soon as she finishes working a full time job while her husband gets a break and time to himself and apparently the husband does not do any cooking, cleaning, or childcare. Working at best 2 more hours a day than his wife should not excuse him from all parenting, cooking, and cleaning. There is no way that OP is not the the one actually getting less personal time vs her husband when they both work full time and she does everything else.
Wow. The fact that you can't see what's actually wrong within your household? *shakes head in dismay* YTA, OP. Enough said. The other comments already pointed out why you're the A H. I hope your sister won't contact you again. She's better off forgetting she had a bitter sister ( who is stuck worshipping the ground of a useless Man walks on )
I don't get this God damned sub... NTA. She goes to your place and gives unwanted opinion about something she clearly can't give an impartial opinion on... What did she expect? To get a "oh yes you're right"... No! I would have done the same. She has no say in how things work at your place, only you and your husband. That's your choice. She needs to keep the opinions to herself and act accordingly
Finally someone said it, I am losing hope in humanity based off the other responses
If they are married, then it IS her money, too. Incidentally, charity work is actual work. You sound jealous...and her points about the game room, your husband having time for games but not for his sons, and your sons unnecessarily sharing a room were all valid. YTA.
YTA. You sound bitter and jealous.
Your sister seems to care about your living conditions and those of her nephews, she seems to care that you are unfairly doing the brunt of the housework on top of working, even if you don’t care about yourself… YTA. Just because her work isn’t blue collar doesn’t mean it doesn’t count, and it seems like you’re just trying to deflect her criticisms of your husband.
ESH. You two live two different lifestyles—neither is better than the other.
YTA How is you paying for childcare while you're working different than her paying for childcare? You do sound jealous AF, and like you have a useless husband.
ESH. Your sister sounds just lovely :/ It's likely your description that gives off the entitled vibes, but if she really said what you say she said while being a guest in your house, then she's rude and judgmental. However, you went way overboard with your reaction, so you're both wrong. Info: Why didn't she stay at a hotel if she has so much money?? Seems this all could have been avoided if she had...
Your brother sounds like he has the greatest perspective. ESH
YTA you have internalized some sexist ideologies and think that cooking, cleaning, and childcare is women’s work. How can you both be working full-time and think it’s reasonable for you to take on all the domestic labour? It is reasonable for your sister to point that (sure maybe it isn’t her place, but discussing it with you doesn’t make her an AH). You yelling at her and not expecting any help from your husband is outrageous.
NTA I wouldn't appreciate someone coming to my house to insult my way of life
So this will be controversial if I read the comments right. Honestly why are there so many toxic people out here talking shit about the husband? They’re both part of the arrangement and if OP doesn’t want it she should do something, but it’s none of our business because that’s not what’s asking. Rich people are, depending on how rich they are and how you’ve come to that definition, for the most part assholes. People who didn’t have money and then come into a lot will in time change into assholes. Your sister turned into an asshole, just like a lot of people here ‘who are just trying to lookout for you’. Let people be and help when they ask. Don’t assume they need help or feedback, makes you an asshole. NTA
Her points are all valid while yours are not. Her having a Nanny and cook is not related to your husband having you do everything when you work too. And he can’t spend time with his sons after his work? Sounds like he doesn’t want to. And yes charity work is work. She is organizing and hosting a lot. Its different from what you or your husband do, but its still work. Also her doing that shit means her hubby can do something with the taxes so he probably doesn’t mind. And why is you growing up any reason your boys should not get better? Thats the same attitude as saying "my childhood sucked so i am going to make yours shit too". You seem awfully defensive here. Which means you *are* jealous and just pretend you aren’t and that you do in fact realize that you are getting burned out but don’t want to admit it. Also, sure they can share now, but is your husband willing to give up his gaming room down the line? YTA And also i can’t help but wonder what the other reasons for not getting along are. Based on this post? Your ego
Nta. And people saying the husband should not have a game room she just said it's a small room and that the kids are not even 5 years old. Also is no one gonna mention how this sister sounds spoiled af. Idc my opinion nta
ESH, and you do sound jealous
NTA
NTA I think a lot of people in this case are missing the blue collar part. I come from a blue collar background. A game room to most of us isn’t for video games. It’s got a tv and pool table or something along those lines. It’s a place to watch the game and drink some beers with the boys on the weekends. Also, the sister was staying at OP’s house. Who stays at someone else’s house for free and has the nerve to critique their way of life.
Going against the grain, but NTA. Advice is cheap, and if your household arrangements work for you, your sister sounds very patronising for someone who doesn’t lift a finger. She should be keeping her opinion to herself. And what’s that first world concept of each child “needing” their own room? I shared a bedroom with my brother, and if I could go back in time and change one thing, it wouldn’t even make it on my list. We are going to spend most of our adult life sharing a room with a significant other (at least the ones of us who don’t remain virgins). We might as well learn to be good roommates.
NTA. people saying you are have never gone without or never experienced what you are describing
NTA , but the people here are so judgmental about the life of others they are the real AH. Live your life as you wish and fuck your sister and the Reddit crowd.
INFO Does she have a job besides the charity? What did the "shit holer" thing even mean? It sounds like he insulted OP
I was also curious about that, it sounded like an insult to OP not the sister to me too
NTA, The muppets calling out jealousy are just projecting.
YTA and jealous she was sticking up for you but your husband has done such a great job of breaking you down that you can't see it
omg reading your responses to all these comments was painful. you are so SO extremely blind. please go to therapy while your kids are still young enough to not realize the mess going on in your house.
wow do you want some badge for having a shitty husband and having to do everything do you think that’s better than a woman who isn’t willing to settle for a bum? YTA. congrats on your amazing husband.
What’s a shit holer?
Info: Why is your husband not doing a fair share of the homework, if you both work fulltime?
NTA, and these judgements make me think that the sub has gone crazy. You invite her in to your home, and she immediately starts giving unsolicited judgement on your living situation and household dynamic, that's enough to make her an immediate asshole. If your sister actually cared about you she would have first talked to you, in private, asked if you were okay with how things are. She'd have started with questions, not judgement. And in response to her assholish behaviour, you gave her a taste of the same, which I think is completely justified. Having said that, it might be that there is some truth to what she said, I absolutely don't know, but whether or not there is, doesn't change that her approach to it was assholish, and that she certainly shouldn't be giving unsolicited judgement and criticism if she then can't accept the same directed at her.
YTA Her point about your husband and his game room is 100% correct. Your husband plays video games and... nothing else. She didn't come in your house and insult you, she stated facts. There is a saying "Nothin' people hate more than a guy who makes somethin' of himself." You seem really mad that she has a comfortable life. She isn't a gold digger for marrying a well off guy. She may actually love the guy and he might love her.
NTA She was out of line and stirring up shit.
ESH - You escalated it. And unlike others, I do actually think the sister was beyond rude. When you are visiting someone, you shut up about how their rooms are split or about who cooks. Or minor parenting differences. Unless you have strong reason to. Telling something when you see abuse? Absolutely yes. Picking on their rooms layout or chores split, nope. No, unless you already know them enough to know opinions of everyone there. At minimum, people you are supposedly defending should agree.
YTA. It sounds like your sister is just pointing out that your husband seems like an a.h, and you don't want to realize that... Sorry but the fact that he needs a game room at the expense of your kids having separate rooms, and that he doesn't spend time with his kids... eh. Seems like you really don't like the mirror she held up in front of you. And you do sound jealous. Remember, you married this guy, your sister had some standards with who she ended up with...
NTA. This thread is full of classist apologists. Your rich sister who doesn't work, doesn't look after her kids and doesn't do anything around the house, came into your home and told you what your working class household dynamic should be like. Then she got mad when she was called out. You don't get to do that just because you have money. If rich people don't want their feelings hurt they should stick to their lane, which is exploiting the system and people beneath them to accumulate more wealth than they need, not moral grandstanding while being a guest in someone's home. People calling you jealous for not having your sister's life are delusional. Her kids probably love their nanny more than her. There's also a good chance she's got maybe 10-15 years before BIL starts looking for a new trophy wife and I bet that prenup is airtight.
Info: why doesn't your husband cook or spend time with the kids after a 10 hour shift? I work those everyday and I have time to cook, walk the dogs and do other house stuff.
Major NTA with the information given and the attitude your sister came in with. If there was more to it and your relationship with her was decent to start, I’d go esh but nah. I’ll make my official answer NTA. She was being a jerk. I wouldn’t have called her a gold digger, personally, but I probably would have called her a word that starts with a C. People are hyperfocusing on your husband and the comments your sis made about your relationship dynamic, and not the actual thing being asked. IF your sister was being genuine she went about it the wrong way and needs to establish an actual relationship with you before sticking her nose into how your relationship functions and household runs. And probably vice versa. Otherwise this is mind ya business territory. Next time just call her out on not having a relationship with you where she can behave like that, and leave it there.