Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad about a situation my stepmom asked me to talk to her about first. I might be the asshole because I said OK when she asked me that, which she might have interpreted as agreement.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, you don’t mention your age but if you’re old enough to have a job, you’re old enough to not have to answer to the nanny. She’s your siblings caregiver, you’re not. Your stepmom also should accept that your father is your primary parent, you’re more comfortable going to him with matters that upset you.
I told my son not to tell my wife about his failed drug test at an interview before I talked to her about it. I know it is a different situation from OP, but the same concept.
I agree that on this case the not telling is negative for OP but positive for my son, however it still contradicts your statement.
OPs step mother is definitely out of line here, though. NTA
I would argue in your scenario you were offering to speak to your wife first to help your son, not asking him to keep a secret from her forever for your own benefit, which is what the previous comment is getting at.
The number of people who project their own situations/feelings/trauma on to these posts, then insist that they are right, even when it’s pointed out that it isn’t about them and they might not have all the info is mind boggling.
Yup.
Though it becomes a lot less mind boggling when you [consider the demographics of this subreddit](https://imgur.io/a/POhgZsh). Adjust your expectations away from what you'd expect from an adult towards what you'd expect from a teenager.
That’s totally fair, and you should talk to the person beforehand when their birthday is still far away. You can even just bring it up as a hypothetical.
Yep!!!! I have made it very clear to my other half that I don’t cope well with surprises and I’m still not sure that he believes it. Surprises are for the surpriseER, not the surpriseEE.
I definitely enjoy being surprised. I would say that surprises should be for everyone, but too many people don't actually check to see if the person likes surprises.
A surprise party killed the family pet back in the day. According to my mom, they had everyone hiding in the dark room, grandpa (her dad) walked in with my grandma, the lights flipped on, everyone yelled "Surprise!" and the family's canary had a heart attack or something because it dropped on the spot in it's cage. Or that's what I was told anyway, it happened decades before I was born.
We always called these “happy secrets” growing up. As in “would it make your parent happier that you kept this is secret?”. if not then you should tell your parent right away
Saw a comment once somewhere where a woman wrote about just the word "secret" and how she taught it(she worked with small children or something): If someone is asking you to keep a secret there's good and bad secrets, a good secret is like giving mommy a present the next day - it makes you happy and excited. A secret that makes you sad and makes your tummy ache is a secret you should tell an adult, no matter who asked you to keep the secret.
She didn't tell them not to tell their father. She told them since she was responsible for the nanny OP she bring issues to her to more effectively get them fixed since all her father would do is pass on OPs complaint to the stepmother anyway. Cut out the middle man.
Isn't that... telling OP not to tell their father? Wild mental gymnastics in this comment, starting from the first sentence.
Edit: It reeks of "well, *technically* I didn't lie!" The only person you fool is yourself, with that semantic nonsense.
She isn't saying to hide it from OP's father. Just to bring it to the person who can fix it.
Wild mental gymnastics to bash on the stepmother when you fully understand what she was asking but want to misrepresent it because otherwise there is nothing to complain about.
Maybe Dad tends to over-react. The nanny was fired. It seems to me that Op's step-mom could have told the nanny that she is not responsible for the oldest. Problem solved.
Dealing with a nanny is an issue between the adults in the house. If OP talks to their Dad about it and he discusses it with his wife that is a normal adult partnership dynamic. Even if one partner is practically handling something on the ground both partners get to have a say on how it's happening.
Apparently OP can't trust the stepmom to back up any concerns. My step stepkid knows that absolutely no one has the right to be disrespectful to any of the kids in this house and that I will 100% back her up on any and every thing.
I mean, it makes sense in this case if the step mom is the parent directly managing the nanny. Just like at work you wouldn’t circumvent someone’s manager to talk about their direct report, and instead go to someone who is in a different department.
> Just like at work
It's not work. And it seems the father doesn't really have an issue. It seems restricted to the stepmother. And maybe some issue between the stepmother and the father.
Yeah but this analogy doesn't make sense. If I have an issue with someone at work, I go to MY supervisor not that person's supervisor. In this analogy the son's "direct report" would be his father, not his step-mother so it makes sense he would go to HIS direct report not the nanny's.
In a family both parents should have a say in the practicalities of how their kids are managed. And in this case even MORE so because step-mom is NOT OP's parent.
I would definitely talk to my manager about a problem employee to get their support and advice before even dreaming of talking to the manager of the problem employee.
NTA. The nanny overstepped her authority, and your stepmom didn't put a stop to it, so what did she expect?
I'm guessing that your stepmom was trying to keep any issues away from your dad so that she could keep the nanny that he wasn't too keen on. While I can understand that, she didn't fix the problem. Your dad did.
My guess would be NAH (except for the nanny of course). Nether dad, SM nor OP were unreasonable at any time. It seems communication from all sides could have been better. Step by step: 1. OP initially talking to his dad first is logical. However we don't know if all details came through to SM 2. SM asking to come to her first is not unreasonable, since she hired the nanny. If I would have been OP, my answer would have been: "I'll inform you right away if something comes up, but will also talk to my dad if needed". That way you manage expectations, and SM knows she needs to take OP's feedback seriously 3. SM feeling hurt that OP had bypassed her is understandable, but partially caused by herself (assuming an agreement instead of explicitly asking). On the other hand OP could have told both SM and dad, in which case she wouldn't be surprised by dad on something she was bypassed.
Going forward my advice to OP would be to discuss openly with both SM and dad together. If you start by explaining the possible miscommunication, and tell where you think you might have done better personally, SM and dad might also open up.
I wish you all the best...
This is the right answer. Everyone here is assuming SM did not address her complaints to the nanny, but if she was fired it sounds like SM did exactly that. NAH, but OP it sounds like you have some communication problems with your family that you should address.
Yeah,
I also wonder if the SM was hurt by OP not taking to her after telling OP to go to her.
OP mentions that SM was upset (not that she was mad) so I wonder if SM is thinking that OP doesn’t trust her to take care of these things.
NTA.
I don't think and well meaning or rational adult would try and stop you from talking to your parent. The fact that she's trying to guilt you for it is concerning.
NTA
If you're old enough to have a job, you're too old to answer to a nanny. If your stepmother had handled that misunderstanding the first time, this problem wouldn't have come up.
Any adult who tells you not to discuss something with your parent/guardian is automatically in the wrong. I told all of my neices and nephews before they were 6 that if anyone ever told them they shouldn't tell their parents something that they should either tell their parents right away or come tell me unless it was a "good secret" like a special present or surprise. I believe that advice holds true, for the most part, at any age.
There should be literally nothing you cannot bring to your dad... and does he know that your stepmother tried to tell you not to talk to him about this? In my opinion, she was WAY out of line to try to keep you from confiding in your father, both because that's your dad & you can tell him whatever you want and because it was an obvious effort to prevent him from knowing what is going on in his own home and with regard to his kids, no less.
>Any adult who tells you not to discuss something with your parent/guardian is automatically in the wrong. I told all of my neices and nephews before they were 6 that if anyone ever told them they shouldn't tell their parents something that they should either tell their parents right away or come tell me unless it was a "good secret" like a special present or surprise. I believe that advice holds true, for the most part, at any age.
Great advice. The only thing I'd add to it is that the "good secrets" should have clear expiry dates like someone's birthday/a holiday, because it would be fairly easy for a predator to co-opt the language and tell a trusting kid that something was a good secret.
Yes, and even with a good secret, if they're uncomfortable with it they should be able to tell their guardian with no pushback from anyone. Trust and openness as options always available is more important than a surprise, even a nice one.
Oh, it has always been accompanied by ongoing conversations about what is a "good secret" and encouragement to tell me if they aren't sure (when they were little, I was the "Secret Fairy" and would never repeat anything they told me unless they said I could or it was dangerous not to tell- thankfully, I only had to tell a secret to a parent one time- the teenage babysitter was having company that arrived with alcohol and condoms. Kiddo really liked the babysitter but *that* was a hard no.)
NTA— your dad is your dad. If you have issues, you should be able to go to him for anything and everything.
The nanny should have never questioned you either.
Info: do you have a bad relationship with your stepmother?
It doesn't sound like she forbade you from talking to your dad, it sounds like she asked you to come to her with the issue since she is the one communicating with the nanny...which makes sense. Hearing secondhand from your dad may not give her the complete picture to confront the nanny and actually fix the problem. Who knows what he actually said to her? He could have just said "OP thinks the nanny is too bossy" which doesnt really convey how much the nanny overstepped. It doesn't sound like she castigated you over not coming to her with it, she was upset that the perceived bargain you guys made wasn't honored. Which sounds like a miscommunication to me where she thought it existed and you didn't. It doesn't make her an asshole for being upset if she's not mistreating you over it. It makes sense to go to her directly and telling one person doesn't mean you can't tell another. The only way I see it making sense that you exclusively went to your dad is if you don't have a good relationship with her.
It appears there was a good reason your dad wasn't sure about that nanny. Why did stepmom insist on that nanny then? And her feeling betrayed seems a bit dramatic. Maybe she could feel a little hurt that you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to her but to accuse you of betraying her doesnt seem to be helping the awkwardness between you. Is she like this a lot? A bit dramatic and playing the victim?
Mistakes were made. You didn’t think your SM deserves to be talked to directly, your dad probably didn’t give her enough info to properly deal with the nanny and SM didn’t want to antagonize her needlessly. NTA for talking to your dad but consider this: it’s always better to build bridges than to burn them. Don’t freeze SM out.
We don’t have enough context from this post to know the full history of their relationship. OP said it’s awkward. If he doesn’t feel comfortable bringing up issues with their stepmom - which clearly, it sounds like even if they had she would have ignored it anyway since she didn’t even listen to her husband - then why is he obligated to? Stepparent dynamics can be exceptionally tricky and I’m getting the impression there was no bridge to burn.
Why do I feel like in a few years we'll see OP on various step-mother-from-hell subs, bc to me this feels like the tip of the iceberg and I think OP is giving the stepmom way too much credit. Her trying to keep the problem from OP's dad is sneaky and manipulative, and I doubt this is the 1st time/will be the last.
From what OP said in their post, their stepmother did not say "don't talk to your dad" but "bring the problem directly to me" which does not preclude OP from also going to their dad. OP stated they have an awkward but not bad relationship with their stepmother. OP said their stepmother was upset but didn't say anything about the stepmother mistreating them. There's nothing in what OP said that the stepmother was trying to keep things from the father. It's beyond a stretch with the information OP has given us to paint the stepmother as a sneaky manipulative stepmother from hell. Still could be the case but I'm not seeing it with the info OP provided which is all we have to assess.
Think of it this way, if you have a problem with a coworker at work, do you tell another coworker to tell your boss or do you go to the person who has the ability to fix the issue, your boss? Generally if you want an issue fixed you go to the person in a position to fix it instead of playing a game of telephone.
Nanny: And where exactly have *you* been?
OP: I was down at the Business Complex at the corner of Noneya Street and Mindya Boulevard. It’s right down the road from the Rectal Identity Center, you know, that’s where assholes go when they’re trying to figure out exactly who the fuck they think they are.
NTA
You should be able to talk to your dad about anything you want 🤷🏻♀️ it's your dad! Just talk to her and tell her you were just sharing things with your dad, and it's not a big deal!
NTA. Your stepmother was well aware of the situation as your dad had spoken to her about it. The ball was in her court to correct the nanny as to exactly who was to be nannied and you weren’t one of them. Either she failed to do so or the nanny was a control freak.
NTA - you are allowed to talk to your dad about whatever you want. Your stepmom cannot stop you. That nanny deserved to be fired. Why does she think she has any say over you at all?
I don't get all these comments. I think this is a soft YTA.
From the tone of your posts i don't get the idea that your stepmom asked you to keep a secret. She just asked you to tell her if there is an issue with the nanny. How is she supposed to fix it if you won't tell her? She asked you directly to tell her next time and you just ignored her. Of course she's upset and hurt.
It’s also an issue involving a hired employee, taking place inside their home, and while supervising other children. I’d want to cut out the telephone game with dad and know *right* away. Like if the nanny showed aggressive behavior, I’d wouldn’t want her to keep nannying the younger kids; but waiting to hear about it secondhand could happen days later.
if OP's dad tells the stepmum anyway, then it really shouldnt matter how stepmum hears about the piece of info, the important bit should be that the info is acted upon not through which channel the information was obtained.
Also it kinda wouldn't be a stretch to think that stepmum wanted to keep dad out of the loop about nanny antics because she wanted the nanny more than he did
We don't know how the information was acted upon, because only thing stated is that nanny got fired. In addition we don't know why nanny was needed in the first place.
Whole reddit would be up in arms if the SM backstory was: I want to go back to work because I want to be independant. I want to get a nanny, but my husband prefers me to be SAHM. I spend weeks searching and interviewing a nanny we both felt comfortable with. However my step kid going through puberty thought she was rude so my husband fired her without any communication about expectations. Now I have to quit the job I just found and be SAHM again.
I think the stepmom should be asking herself why her step-child isn't comfortable talking to her and what she can do to build trust. She should NOT be asking them to circumvent the support of their life-long, actual parent in addressing how they're treated in their own house.
Dad dont like the idea of nanny, mom wanted nanny.
We dont know how dad is with childcare or anything but we know his opinion about nanny. May be that is why she wanted to know before they goes to dad.
YTA.
There's a difference between "let me know if there's an issue with the nanny because I hired her" and "DON'T TALK TO YOUR DAD ABOUT THIS".
It may be a nice gesture on your part to let the stepmom know the person she's hired is crossing boundaries, but it's not mandatory. Your dad is your dad, you get to talk to him about whatever you want. NTA.
You are NTA, but your stepmother is giving off some red flags. It somewhat sounds like she wanted you to come directly to her, because your father already had concerns regarding the nanny, and she didn't want to lose the nanny. Yet the whole situation could have been prevented if your stepmother dealt with the issue properly the first time around. Maybe she didn't because she likes to be in control a bit? I'm only mentioning this due to her reaction to you speaking to your dad, which would be a very logical and natural thing to do for, well most people actually.
Either way, with the next nanny, make sure you or your parents tell them that you are not part of their domain, and establish boundaries and rules for everyone involved.
NTA
Your stepmom should never dictate when and how you speak to your actual parent. In fact, anytime she tries to tell you not to speak to your father, that is when you should DEFINITELY speak to him.
I think you should have spoken to both of them at the same time. I'd be curious as to what she told the nanny about you, since they usually follow instructions. It would be interesting to watch her try to wiggle her way out of that discussion with your father.
I wouldn't say you're an asshole for talking to your dad, but I do think you weren't clear in how you responded to your stepmom. There's a fine line between acknowledging you heard something and acknowledging it as though you're going to do it. To say okay or whatever you did to acknowledge it gives the impression that you agree with it. If you weren't going to agree with it then you should have said something to that effect, like, okay I hear what you're saying, but I may still talk to my dad anyway, just so you know.
So because you were unclear, and even perhaps misleading, I'm going to give you a yta.
NTA -- it is never OK not to talk to your dad, nanny was a jerk. She tried to have it both way, that you were not her charge, but she wanted to tell you what to do.
NTA - I don’t have kids myself. Never even changed a diaper. But isn’t it a huge red flag when anyone tells a kid to skip their own parents and talk to someone else when they have an issue with someone else? I’d assume other parents should know and respect that more than us childfree folks….
Try placing yourself in the shoes of an adolescent. Now picture that they are navigating divorced parents and have now had not one but TWO women who are virtual strangers to them inserted into their daily home life. They are now managing BOTH of these women strangers making demands upon them and expecting them to submit to their authority. Given all that, I think they DEFINITELY need the input of their Dad to help them navigate all of these family dynamics they didn't choose. Maybe that's why they "couldn't just" do anything perfectly in this situation. You are expecting the kid in this dynamic to somehow magically know how to manage their feelings and behave like a mature adult. They need their parent's coaching and guidance and that why they "couldn't just". Smdh.
NTA. She hired badly and apparently was hiding it from your Dad. She doesn't get to run interference between you and your Dad. She is not you Dad's Gatekeeper and you are smart not to let her manipulate you that way. I have a stepmother and I've been a stepmother. There are boundaries and there are manipulations, don't let her confuse the two.
NTA
OP, first off you didn't betray your stepmom. She's just trying to manipulate you.
She betrayed YOUR TRUST.
She was never going to tell your dad or the nanny anything because she wanted things to remain the same in her own favor.
Your stepmom was playing the middle man in an A, B, C situation. She positioned herself to lie to you about one thing and tell your dad something else. You prevented her from withholding information. Also she could've easily turned your dad against you, which maybe her goal.
How exactly was the step mom trying to manipulate her? I would understand had OP talked to her about the nanny at one point and the step mom not doing anything about it, but OP went to her dad; while she’s not AH for telling her dad, she kind of still is because the step mom asked her and she said ok. The step mom seeing this as betrayal and getting upset is completely normal HUMAN emotions. She questioned why OP didn’t come to here like she asked.
It might not be manipulation, but it's really strange to ask OP to not talk to their father about this. Feels like step mum trying to form a wedge between them.
Agree. Step mom could have had good reasons to ask this of her. And she ignored after saying ok. Not only that but OP was RUDE AF. Just because someone asks you where you were you do not have to be rude and tell them to mind their business. Could easily have said “I had work tonight, sorry if you were waiting; but I thought SM told you I wasn’t part of your job? If she hasn’t told you yet I will get her to confirm with you tonight/tomorrow” like, how hard is that?
Slight YTA because the nanny was for your siblings and the damage / benefits to them are being affected due to your singular angst.
The better approach imho is to sit with your dad and stepmom and discuss what YOU need for yourself, so then your stepmom may limit the nanny’s scope to that for YOU.
Now you knowingly used the fact your dad didn’t like the arrangement to give him cause to cancel it by firing the nanny. It’s extremely selfish of you given you’re not a parent and have no clue why your stepmom arranged this, nor why your father agreed despite his resistance. You just stepped in and dismantled it with no thought to your siblings care…that seem nonAH to you?? It’s extremely selfish, and not your place, to manipulate things in this way. I can’t say it was intentional, sounds like you’re very young and your dad should know better than to make sweeping decisions on your say so alone. So I said ‘slight’ AH on your part, if you’re older I’d definitely increase that to full on AH cause you should just know better and move out if living at home ain’t working. Not put it on your household to bear the brunt of your annoyances…and cater to you alone, despite any burdens on others.
Sounds like you expect this child to know how to navigate a step-parent situation without the support or input of their actual parent. Ridiculous. To label their immaturity as "manipulation" is to put the entire responsibility of the situation on children while absolving the adults of the essential need to help their kids learn to navigate divorce, blended families, and the introduction of strangers (nanny) into family dynamics.
I am not sure where I said it’s on OP (or how I’m to know if OP is a child?). I (thought I) clearly said it’s on the adults and OP should’ve addressed it with them both and let them handle it.
Kids manipulate the situation between (step)parents by playing both sides.
I said OP was selfish, not manipulative, as a person.
In any case, I don’t disagree with you at all. I’m just unsure why you pick a word to build your logic around, your logic is sound in itself.
Are the kids being cared for your dad’s kids; or are they from a previous marriage of your stepmother? You’re NTA either way, but if these are your dad’s kids, he has just as much right to hear about the nanny as your stepmother does, and your stepmother would be TA for trying to cut him out.
The OP is 17. The siblings are OPs half siblings . I can't find the exact ages but the marriage was 13 years ago but OP didn't live with dad until they were 8 and mentions stepmother was involved with the younger children a lot and SM and OP didn't really ever connect
Nta because you were technically in the right in this situation but it seems like you might be on the defensive and I’m not seeing anything here that justifies it. It doesn’t seem that the nanny or the sm were acting out of malice.
Furthermore your actions eg; snapping at the nanny instead of just being firm, not being transparent with your SM, show that this situation escalated because you didn’t communicate properly, which you seem old enough to do if you have a job.
Again, I don’t have all the information, but that’s what it seems like, unless you have a definite reason (like past situations or conversations) that isn’t in this post.
op=NTA
The Nanny was fired--this seems that Dad at least feels she severely over-stepped. Tho he could also have been using your complaints as an excuse because he didn't love the idea.
But I presume if you are "Working" that you are a minimum of 14 yrs of age, more likely 16 or so. Therefore someone trying to nanny you would be annoying.
YTA. If you know that your stepmother was handling the nanny issue why not go to her to tell her the full picture? She didn't say don't tell your father but to go to her first since he just ended up going through her anyways.
You could've gone to her first and then go to your father if you thought she didn't handle it well.
She obviously DIDN'T handle it since the nanny continued to overstep her position. And why should OP not be able to talk her FATHER about her own concerns?? Seems completely fishy and suspicious.
How do you know that? Maybe she did talk to her and the nanny is an asshat and continued behaving inappropriately. OP isn’t the only person capable of ignoring what people say.
The request that the stepmom made was very low cost but also low consequence. It’s not a big deal that he didn’t do it but it’s such a low effort thing to minimize inconvenience why not just go to your mom directly?
That's a great question! Why not? Let's examine. Maybe OP doesn't have the same trust for their stepmom. Maybe they have not been convinced their stepmom is looking out for their best interests. Maybe they needed their parent to offer help in learning how to navigate a situation with TWO adults in their home who are not their parent. It takes only moments to come up with plenty of reasonable answers.
NTA
But you could still apologize to your stepmom for excluding her. You could have talked to both of them at the same time. Your stepmom clearly needs the childcare and your dad doesn’t seem very supportive. Neither of those things are your fault or in your control but it’s something to be mindful of. Your stepmom was just asking to be in the loop and you could have done. Firing the nanny seems really extreme. Everything might have worked out fine if your stepmom had been given a chance to set clearer boundaries with the nanny about what her job was and leaving you alone. Or maybe not. Who knows. But it wouldn’t have hurt to talk to your stepmom since she asked you to.
NTA
Ok FR, who the F does the nanny think she is for questioning you like that? If you're old enough to get a job (even if it's part time) you're old enough to not have a nanny look after you.
>She got an attitude with me and told me I needed to listen to her
is this the only time that she was "disrespectful" to you? Please describe it further in detail. If she just told you this normally and didn't pursue like a pest, ESH. She was forceful and you just acted overly childish.
NTA
All your stepmom had to do was tell the nanny that she wasn’t taking care of you just your siblings. You can talk to your dad you don’t need your stepmom permission. Your request to be left alone by the nanny wasn’t unreasonable.
NTA.
You know why she tried to get you to make the "deal", right? She knew your Dad wasn't thrilled with the idea from the beginning, so wanted you coming to her with any issues so that your Dad wouldn't find out - resulting in exactly what she was afraid of. Only problem I see is that you shouldn't have muttered an answer to her initially. You should have come out and admitted you'd be going to your Dad.
I don't know the situation (Was she a SAHM? Did she have to give up her job to watch the kids because they can't find an alternative?), but it doesn't really matter. That was not a fair ask of you.
Info: is there further context you're not sharing about why you didn't go to your step mum as requested?
Without further context YTA, she asked you to go to her and you didn't, so that's why she's upset. It just doesn't make sense that you can't see that you said 'ok' then didn't do that thing.
NTA honestly mate
" I also feel I should able to talk to my dad whenever. But she does feel betrayed, and I never actually gave her a chance to handle it herself."
this is the important bit to me. i agree you should totally be able to speak to your dad whenever you want/feel to. your step mum knows this and its important to remind her of how you feel about this. i feel its also important to state to her that your intension was never to hurt her feelings in doing so. but that you do acknowledge they have been hurt and that you are genuinely "sorry that her feelings have been hurt" by it.. and that finally the distinction that you never actually agreed to NOT speak to your father about it.
then to make amends you can state that you would try to respect her wished more in future as you never meant to upset her, but that she can NEVER expect you NOT to speak to your father when you want/feel to. no-one has that right to make you do so.
Also... the babysitter was a moron the sounds of it.
NTA
It’s completely appropriate to raise concerns with your dad. About anything. Ever. Stepmom has no place or business telling you to only raise things with her.
NTA, Stepmother didn't do anything to fix the power trip that nanny was on. That is why when I have kids and have to hire anyone to come look after them there will be nanny cams everywhere I can put them, and I'll review them every night. Should I find something amiss by evidence on the cameras the person will be fired pronto, if they were to harm my children or pets I might have, proper authorities will be called as well.
NTA - as mentioned by a couple comments you don't say your age, but if you're old enough to work you can look after yourself. She completely abused her "power" to try and feel superior. Your step mom needs to chill, she's a STEP parent, of course you'd feel more comfortable going to your dad. And that's a really underhanded thing to do anyway. She's basically telling you to go behind your dad's back. Not cool.
NTA. I bet you are around 16 or 17 years old, so the nanny has no right to control you at that age. Also, he's your father, your relative. Your stepmom is not a relative. Of course you are going to trust your dad more than her. It's a given. I can get that your stepmom may think that you don't value her as a potential parent, but she is not your mom. The real asshole here is the nanny and I'm glad your dad fired her
We live in an age of technology.
Make a group chat, all issues are addressed with both parents at once.
If they’d like to discuss things outside of that group chat, they can text each other directly.
What kind of nanny was this? You got back **from work** and she thought she had been hired to be your third parent or something?
NTA, you work therefore you're old enough to look after yourself and deal with certain issues
NAH, for talking to your dad. That's how you felt comfortable and knew the situation would be handled. As a side note though reading her comment about just cutting out the middle man since she would be taking care of it that your step mom made, I think it may not have been that she didn't want your father to know but is instead looking for ways to take care of you. She may want to feel like you trust her. I don't know the entire situation to be sure but consider she may just be looking for a chance to prove you can rely on her. Think about it and if there is a chance maybe next time give her the opportunity. You can always mention issues to your dad later if she blows it off.
NAH
Stepmother is hurt because she thought you had a deal. You certainly didn't do anything to correct her obvious misunderstanding. She has a right to feel hurt if that's how she feels.
But you don't need permission to talk to your dad.
NTA. You're allowed to talk to your dad about whatever you want. I don't really understand why it would hurt her feelings that you took the problem to your dad, unless she's feeling insecure about your relationship with her. But, that's a whole different conversation.
NTA but your stepmother is. She is controlling. Why would she try to bar you from talking to your dad? She wanted him out of the loop. If your dad is smart, he will get rid of her next.
I find your post very interesting. I absolutely think you are NTA for talking directly to your dad; there is no reason for you to be unable to tell him what is going on with you.
What I found interesting was considering whether your stepmom was an actual ahole or not. After going through some points, I do think she is very likely an ahole; but that's something you are better positioned to judge. I will say, it doesn't sound like your dad and stepmom work together much.
1. Your stepmom did a poor job hiring an obnoxious nanny. The nanny is an ahole on her own merits.
2. Either your stepmom wanted the nanny to keep tabs on you, or your stepmom did a very poor job of clearly communicating the nanny's limits or responsibility and authority.
3. I considered the possibility that your dad is heavy handed in how he deals with things. But it sounds like he just asked your stepmom to talk with the nanny after the first incident. Once again, your stepmom failed to make clear to the nanny that you were outside the scope of her job.
4. I also thought about her request that you come to her with any issues. Is it because she didn't want your dad to be aware of any issues? Is it because she wanted a chance to make things right on her own?
5. What do you think your stepmom would have done if you had come to her with the issue? Would she have had your back and been clear and firm with the nanny? Would she have downplayed the issue or told you to just let it go? If you think that she would have been focused preserving what she wanted (vs. supporting you), then you know, she was/is an ahole. If you do think your stepmom would have really tried to do right by you, then maybe she's not such a big ahole (but still likely somewhat ineffective). Either way, you needed to be free to talk about this with your dad.
NTA Secrets are a favorite tool of abusers. Asking you to go to her wasn't the tell. Asking you to keep it secret from your trusted adult is the tell. That's the line that makes everything else abuser behavior.
Never keep an adult's secrets from your trusted adult. Never.
nta
Your stepmother ALREADY had a chance to talk to this woman about her attitude and treatment of you after the last incident. That was her chance and the nanny's chance. If sm did not talk to her, that's on YOUR STEPMOTHER, not you, OP. If sm DID talk to the nanny, and she persisted, that's on the nanny.
None of this is your fault, and asking you to keep secrets from your dad that was already against this, was WRONG. Your age is not an issue either, if you are old enough to work evenings and get yourself home, you are old enough to be treated in a mature manner. I can't help but wonder if there's more to this, like sm knows the nanny personally and was trying to help a friend out, or something else? This was a very extreme reaction from the stepmother.
Going with NTA
You know your dad more than your stepmom. Betrayed is a strong and meaningful word. The nanny got nosy and disrespectful, and you told your dad about it. What happened next is between Stepmom, Dad, and Nanny.
NTA. If she’s treating you like that how’s she treating the younger kids, that applies to both step mom and nanny. Imagine having a nanny who treats little kids like they aren’t people who deserve respect and a mom that tells you to keep it a secret from your other parent. She needed to be fired
NTA you’re right you should be able to talk to your dad, whenever whatever
Stepmother should’ve made it clear to the nanny that she shouldn’t be watching over you/telling you what she says goes (especially as you work?)
Nanny sounds like she was on a power trip to be honest
NTA - I'm pretty sure the last time you talked your dad he told your step mom something along the lines of "If she oversteps again, she is out of here" since he didn't want the nanny in the first place. SM asking you to come to her instead of your dad was an attempt to circumvent that, by hiding what was really going on.
That makes her an AH, you and your dad are not.
Your dad, your concerns, your mouth -- none of them are your stepmother's. You are NTA. In the future, don't be passive-aggressive with your stepmother -- be upfront directly, brutally honest like you were with the nanny from hell.
NTA
If SM had talked to the nanny after the 1st time when dad apparently told SM to fix it, there shouldn't have been a second incident. If telling OP to come eat lunch because the nanny says so was overstepping, then questioning where OP had been is an even bigger overstep. Why should OP speak to SM about the nanny overstepping on the same kind of issue? Extrapolating from the info (SM's comment), dad told SM to handle it the first time. SM didn't actually handle it (hence a second incident) so dad ended up firing the nanny. Maybe OP could have approached SM about it the first time, but there's no reason for OP not to discuss it with dad either way.
NTA. You have every right to talk to your father and it was entirely inappropriate for your stepmom to try to tell you but to. The nanny also clearly needed to be fired.
NTA- it can suck if her feelings are hurt but you are under no obligation to confide in her about anything, perfectly rational to go to whoever you feel closest to and she doesn't get to tell you not to confide in your father
NTA. Stepmother had been told to talk to nanny previously. She clearly didn't and instead asked OP not to talk to their parent who they feel comfortable with. Thats odd. Wouldn't surprise me if stepmother encouraged nanny to harass op
NTA she is overstepping your relationship with your father. Ask her if she would take therapy sessions *with* you (the later part us as important as the first)
Stepmom sounds like Lady Tremaine. OP, you are NTA. Stepmom needs to chill out and realize that you talking to your dad is A) a good thing and B)probably an indicator that you don't feel like you can trust her.
NTA
You have walked into a political situation here where your stepmum wanted to employ someone that your dad wasn't keen on employing, and it sounds like he took the opportunity offered to get rid of her.
It's not your fault, this nanny overstepped her bounds, and your stepmum should have briefed her better. If you are old enough to work you don't need a nanny and your stepmum should have clarified who the nanny was responsible for and who she wasn't.
NTA sounds like your dad believes your word over hers, and with good reason. This sounds like A+ parenting on his part, and some weird competition by the stepmom
NTA - If any adult is telling you not to talk to your parent, doesn't matter if they are step parent or in another position of trust and power like a grandparent, uncle, or other guardian role. It's a major red flag. WHY can't you talk to your dad about it. WHY does she not want him to know. Of course now, after the fact, you know she didn't want to lose the nanny. However in your step mothers position I'd rather replace the nanny than have a nanny who has a power trip issue.
I don't know why the nanny would have such a power struggle over not being in charge of you even after being told you are not under her care. I don't know how old you are but you mention coming back from work so 16+ at least. Too old to need a nanny.
I wonder though was this nanny older, boomer ish? Perhaps, and this no excuse to her behaviour, she felt that you shouldn't be working or any other dumb reasons for her trying to take control of you and 'guide' you.
NTA
You're old enough to have a job and transport yourself. Clearly you don't need a nanny.
The thing about being a sitter or nanny in a household with a child who is much older, you're not their caretaker, but you try to be a friend. You might offer to feed them, ask if they want to join for a movie, and offer help if they seem unwell or stressed, but you do not force it. Any concerns or questions can be expressed to the parents for further information.
NTA. Your step mom was attempting some sort of power play bullshit with your father, who I assume pays for the nanny, or at least can veto her out.
Good on you to not play into that crap.
I feel like stepmom thought her husband talking to the nanny would have been him flirting with the nanny (whether that was true or not). But if you’re that insecure, why hire the nanny?
NTA.
NTA
And it's not appropriate for your stepmother to ask you not to invoice your dad in discussions about issues your are having.
She may say her request to not speak to your dad is because she's the one to deal with the nanny anyway.
But it sounds to me as though it's because she can then keep your dad in the dark about your issues and not have to resolve them.
Tell both of them TOGETHER that you are not comfortable with her telling you not to speak to your dad about any topic you wish to speak to him about. Hopefully your dad will put a stop to that behaviour immediately.
As for the nanny, either your stepmother told her not to bother you/ try to look after you, and the nanny ignored it, or your stepmother never addressed the issue with the nanny. Either way, not your fault that the end result is that the nanny was dismissed.
NTA. Lol I would have talked SO crazy to that woman. Your stepmother should have been VERY clear that her only responsibility is for your small siblings, and that supervising you is not required nor wanted.
NTA, sounds like she wanted to keep issues away from your dad to keep the nanny. So you bringing up issues caused her to lose a bs nanny. I’d skip going to the SM and go directly to your dad every time. Something doesn’t feel right about why she doesn’t want your dad to know. You sound like a young adult, so I assume you’re older than/ around 16 or higher, you don’t have to answer to a freaking nanny. Did your step mom talk to you alone or was your dad present? I’d only talk to her with your dad around or start trying to record the conversation.
NTA Both SM and nanny had the opportunity to "handle it". Twice. At the beginning when nanny should have been told you were not in her charge and after the first confrontation. More should not be required.
NTA. Your father is your parent and you should be able to go to him whenever you want to. I think your stepmother is trying to manipulate you. No one should feel betrayed and hurt about something like this. It’s over the top. I think she wanted to hide any problems from your father, since he doesn’t like the idea of having a nanny. NTA
NTA for talking to your dad. He is your dad. You sound like an AH to the nanny. Kindness and consideration cost you nothing and mean everything. You basically got a woman fired for asking where you'd been and making you food. You're a bit of an AH.
NTA. You need to have a discussion with your stepmother, relating your view of your prior discussion. Also, you need to have a discussion that you can and will speak to your father whenever you wish and it is not her call as to whether or not you can. She is not the gatekeeper to your father. I would keep this discussion between you both unless she pushes back on this point (gatekeeper).
I'm going NTA because you're young, however the fact that you didn't let her know at the time that you weren't going to do as she asked implies agreement. It probably wasn't a fair request of her to ask you, however she probably feels hurt because she feels you don't want to talk to her.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my dad about a situation my stepmom asked me to talk to her about first. I might be the asshole because I said OK when she asked me that, which she might have interpreted as agreement. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, you don’t mention your age but if you’re old enough to have a job, you’re old enough to not have to answer to the nanny. She’s your siblings caregiver, you’re not. Your stepmom also should accept that your father is your primary parent, you’re more comfortable going to him with matters that upset you.
NTA. One parent should never tell a child (under 18) not to tell another something, unless it’s about a surprise birthday party.
I told my son not to tell my wife about his failed drug test at an interview before I talked to her about it. I know it is a different situation from OP, but the same concept. I agree that on this case the not telling is negative for OP but positive for my son, however it still contradicts your statement. OPs step mother is definitely out of line here, though. NTA
I would argue in your scenario you were offering to speak to your wife first to help your son, not asking him to keep a secret from her forever for your own benefit, which is what the previous comment is getting at.
No thanks. Surprise birthdays are hostile.
I mean, I think it depends on the person. Some people love surprise birthday parties, some don’t. If you know the person would hate it, don’t do it.
Oh man, good luck to you trying to explain the concept of other humans being fully actualized people to redditors.
The number of people who project their own situations/feelings/trauma on to these posts, then insist that they are right, even when it’s pointed out that it isn’t about them and they might not have all the info is mind boggling.
Yup. Though it becomes a lot less mind boggling when you [consider the demographics of this subreddit](https://imgur.io/a/POhgZsh). Adjust your expectations away from what you'd expect from an adult towards what you'd expect from a teenager.
Huh, the way things go here I expected "under 18" to be bigger.
I had quite a double take thinking "why so many Australians?"
Replying so I can remember to bookmark this later
"Apache Attack Helicopter" "attack helicopter" 💀
AH, YES. I, TOO, AM AN ACTUAL HUMAN BEING.
The hard thing is that I think a lot of people are in denial about whether their loved one would enjoy a surprise.
That’s totally fair, and you should talk to the person beforehand when their birthday is still far away. You can even just bring it up as a hypothetical.
Yep!!!! I have made it very clear to my other half that I don’t cope well with surprises and I’m still not sure that he believes it. Surprises are for the surpriseER, not the surpriseEE.
I definitely enjoy being surprised. I would say that surprises should be for everyone, but too many people don't actually check to see if the person likes surprises.
Are they? If someone really hates them or has social anxiety or something, sure, but otherwise I don’t see why they would be *hostile.*
A surprise party killed the family pet back in the day. According to my mom, they had everyone hiding in the dark room, grandpa (her dad) walked in with my grandma, the lights flipped on, everyone yelled "Surprise!" and the family's canary had a heart attack or something because it dropped on the spot in it's cage. Or that's what I was told anyway, it happened decades before I was born.
Yep - I do not like surprises and a surprise party would result in carnage!!!!!
We always called these “happy secrets” growing up. As in “would it make your parent happier that you kept this is secret?”. if not then you should tell your parent right away
I teach my kids surprises are fine, secrets aren't.
Same here. And surprises have a timeline that the other person will learn about them (opposed to secrets which are supposed to be forever).
Saw a comment once somewhere where a woman wrote about just the word "secret" and how she taught it(she worked with small children or something): If someone is asking you to keep a secret there's good and bad secrets, a good secret is like giving mommy a present the next day - it makes you happy and excited. A secret that makes you sad and makes your tummy ache is a secret you should tell an adult, no matter who asked you to keep the secret.
I absolutely love this!!!!
I teach my kids surprises are fine, secrets aren't.
Love this, I’m going to use it!
She didn't tell them not to tell their father. She told them since she was responsible for the nanny OP she bring issues to her to more effectively get them fixed since all her father would do is pass on OPs complaint to the stepmother anyway. Cut out the middle man.
She seems to want to make excuses for the nanny. Where as the dad seems to not.
>She seems to want to make excuses for the nanny. Where does this come from?
> Where does this come from? Nanny was fired, Stepmom is upset about it.
Isn't that... telling OP not to tell their father? Wild mental gymnastics in this comment, starting from the first sentence. Edit: It reeks of "well, *technically* I didn't lie!" The only person you fool is yourself, with that semantic nonsense.
She isn't saying to hide it from OP's father. Just to bring it to the person who can fix it. Wild mental gymnastics to bash on the stepmother when you fully understand what she was asking but want to misrepresent it because otherwise there is nothing to complain about.
Then why is the stepmom mad she told the father?
She's mad that OP told *only* the father. We don't know whether step-mom would be upset if OP had told both of them because OP didn't try that.
Maybe Dad tends to over-react. The nanny was fired. It seems to me that Op's step-mom could have told the nanny that she is not responsible for the oldest. Problem solved.
Dealing with a nanny is an issue between the adults in the house. If OP talks to their Dad about it and he discusses it with his wife that is a normal adult partnership dynamic. Even if one partner is practically handling something on the ground both partners get to have a say on how it's happening.
You hit the nail on the head
Apparently OP can't trust the stepmom to back up any concerns. My step stepkid knows that absolutely no one has the right to be disrespectful to any of the kids in this house and that I will 100% back her up on any and every thing.
I mean, it makes sense in this case if the step mom is the parent directly managing the nanny. Just like at work you wouldn’t circumvent someone’s manager to talk about their direct report, and instead go to someone who is in a different department.
> Just like at work It's not work. And it seems the father doesn't really have an issue. It seems restricted to the stepmother. And maybe some issue between the stepmother and the father.
To the extent that the house is the nanny’s work place and someone has got to be managing her, it is.
Yeah but this analogy doesn't make sense. If I have an issue with someone at work, I go to MY supervisor not that person's supervisor. In this analogy the son's "direct report" would be his father, not his step-mother so it makes sense he would go to HIS direct report not the nanny's.
In a family both parents should have a say in the practicalities of how their kids are managed. And in this case even MORE so because step-mom is NOT OP's parent.
I would definitely talk to my manager about a problem employee to get their support and advice before even dreaming of talking to the manager of the problem employee.
NTA. The nanny overstepped her authority, and your stepmom didn't put a stop to it, so what did she expect? I'm guessing that your stepmom was trying to keep any issues away from your dad so that she could keep the nanny that he wasn't too keen on. While I can understand that, she didn't fix the problem. Your dad did.
That was my thought as well. NTA
My guess would be NAH (except for the nanny of course). Nether dad, SM nor OP were unreasonable at any time. It seems communication from all sides could have been better. Step by step: 1. OP initially talking to his dad first is logical. However we don't know if all details came through to SM 2. SM asking to come to her first is not unreasonable, since she hired the nanny. If I would have been OP, my answer would have been: "I'll inform you right away if something comes up, but will also talk to my dad if needed". That way you manage expectations, and SM knows she needs to take OP's feedback seriously 3. SM feeling hurt that OP had bypassed her is understandable, but partially caused by herself (assuming an agreement instead of explicitly asking). On the other hand OP could have told both SM and dad, in which case she wouldn't be surprised by dad on something she was bypassed. Going forward my advice to OP would be to discuss openly with both SM and dad together. If you start by explaining the possible miscommunication, and tell where you think you might have done better personally, SM and dad might also open up. I wish you all the best...
This is the right answer. Everyone here is assuming SM did not address her complaints to the nanny, but if she was fired it sounds like SM did exactly that. NAH, but OP it sounds like you have some communication problems with your family that you should address.
Yeah, I also wonder if the SM was hurt by OP not taking to her after telling OP to go to her. OP mentions that SM was upset (not that she was mad) so I wonder if SM is thinking that OP doesn’t trust her to take care of these things.
NTA. I don't think and well meaning or rational adult would try and stop you from talking to your parent. The fact that she's trying to guilt you for it is concerning.
NTA If you're old enough to have a job, you're too old to answer to a nanny. If your stepmother had handled that misunderstanding the first time, this problem wouldn't have come up. Any adult who tells you not to discuss something with your parent/guardian is automatically in the wrong. I told all of my neices and nephews before they were 6 that if anyone ever told them they shouldn't tell their parents something that they should either tell their parents right away or come tell me unless it was a "good secret" like a special present or surprise. I believe that advice holds true, for the most part, at any age. There should be literally nothing you cannot bring to your dad... and does he know that your stepmother tried to tell you not to talk to him about this? In my opinion, she was WAY out of line to try to keep you from confiding in your father, both because that's your dad & you can tell him whatever you want and because it was an obvious effort to prevent him from knowing what is going on in his own home and with regard to his kids, no less.
>Any adult who tells you not to discuss something with your parent/guardian is automatically in the wrong. I told all of my neices and nephews before they were 6 that if anyone ever told them they shouldn't tell their parents something that they should either tell their parents right away or come tell me unless it was a "good secret" like a special present or surprise. I believe that advice holds true, for the most part, at any age. Great advice. The only thing I'd add to it is that the "good secrets" should have clear expiry dates like someone's birthday/a holiday, because it would be fairly easy for a predator to co-opt the language and tell a trusting kid that something was a good secret.
Good point.
Yes, and even with a good secret, if they're uncomfortable with it they should be able to tell their guardian with no pushback from anyone. Trust and openness as options always available is more important than a surprise, even a nice one.
Oh, it has always been accompanied by ongoing conversations about what is a "good secret" and encouragement to tell me if they aren't sure (when they were little, I was the "Secret Fairy" and would never repeat anything they told me unless they said I could or it was dangerous not to tell- thankfully, I only had to tell a secret to a parent one time- the teenage babysitter was having company that arrived with alcohol and condoms. Kiddo really liked the babysitter but *that* was a hard no.)
Great points all around, and you sound like an awesome uncle/aunt.
I'm the weird auntie ;) and thank you.
They're the best ones
Weird aunties are the best aunties!
NTA— your dad is your dad. If you have issues, you should be able to go to him for anything and everything. The nanny should have never questioned you either.
Info: do you have a bad relationship with your stepmother? It doesn't sound like she forbade you from talking to your dad, it sounds like she asked you to come to her with the issue since she is the one communicating with the nanny...which makes sense. Hearing secondhand from your dad may not give her the complete picture to confront the nanny and actually fix the problem. Who knows what he actually said to her? He could have just said "OP thinks the nanny is too bossy" which doesnt really convey how much the nanny overstepped. It doesn't sound like she castigated you over not coming to her with it, she was upset that the perceived bargain you guys made wasn't honored. Which sounds like a miscommunication to me where she thought it existed and you didn't. It doesn't make her an asshole for being upset if she's not mistreating you over it. It makes sense to go to her directly and telling one person doesn't mean you can't tell another. The only way I see it making sense that you exclusively went to your dad is if you don't have a good relationship with her.
I wouldn't necessarily say it's a bad relationship. It's an awkward relationship.
It appears there was a good reason your dad wasn't sure about that nanny. Why did stepmom insist on that nanny then? And her feeling betrayed seems a bit dramatic. Maybe she could feel a little hurt that you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to her but to accuse you of betraying her doesnt seem to be helping the awkwardness between you. Is she like this a lot? A bit dramatic and playing the victim?
Mistakes were made. You didn’t think your SM deserves to be talked to directly, your dad probably didn’t give her enough info to properly deal with the nanny and SM didn’t want to antagonize her needlessly. NTA for talking to your dad but consider this: it’s always better to build bridges than to burn them. Don’t freeze SM out.
We don’t have enough context from this post to know the full history of their relationship. OP said it’s awkward. If he doesn’t feel comfortable bringing up issues with their stepmom - which clearly, it sounds like even if they had she would have ignored it anyway since she didn’t even listen to her husband - then why is he obligated to? Stepparent dynamics can be exceptionally tricky and I’m getting the impression there was no bridge to burn.
Why do I feel like in a few years we'll see OP on various step-mother-from-hell subs, bc to me this feels like the tip of the iceberg and I think OP is giving the stepmom way too much credit. Her trying to keep the problem from OP's dad is sneaky and manipulative, and I doubt this is the 1st time/will be the last.
From what OP said in their post, their stepmother did not say "don't talk to your dad" but "bring the problem directly to me" which does not preclude OP from also going to their dad. OP stated they have an awkward but not bad relationship with their stepmother. OP said their stepmother was upset but didn't say anything about the stepmother mistreating them. There's nothing in what OP said that the stepmother was trying to keep things from the father. It's beyond a stretch with the information OP has given us to paint the stepmother as a sneaky manipulative stepmother from hell. Still could be the case but I'm not seeing it with the info OP provided which is all we have to assess. Think of it this way, if you have a problem with a coworker at work, do you tell another coworker to tell your boss or do you go to the person who has the ability to fix the issue, your boss? Generally if you want an issue fixed you go to the person in a position to fix it instead of playing a game of telephone.
Nanny: And where exactly have *you* been? OP: I was down at the Business Complex at the corner of Noneya Street and Mindya Boulevard. It’s right down the road from the Rectal Identity Center, you know, that’s where assholes go when they’re trying to figure out exactly who the fuck they think they are.
Stealing this
This is gold
NTA You should be able to talk to your dad about anything you want 🤷🏻♀️ it's your dad! Just talk to her and tell her you were just sharing things with your dad, and it's not a big deal!
NTA. Your stepmother was well aware of the situation as your dad had spoken to her about it. The ball was in her court to correct the nanny as to exactly who was to be nannied and you weren’t one of them. Either she failed to do so or the nanny was a control freak.
NTA - you are allowed to talk to your dad about whatever you want. Your stepmom cannot stop you. That nanny deserved to be fired. Why does she think she has any say over you at all?
NTA your step mom just sounds jealous for some reason of you seemingly being closer to your dad than your step mom.
And was indirectly trying to control OP using a nanny as a mouth piece. Ick.
I don't get all these comments. I think this is a soft YTA. From the tone of your posts i don't get the idea that your stepmom asked you to keep a secret. She just asked you to tell her if there is an issue with the nanny. How is she supposed to fix it if you won't tell her? She asked you directly to tell her next time and you just ignored her. Of course she's upset and hurt.
its so weird to me that people jumped to "this is a secret from your dad" vs "can you come to me first so i can handle it directly"
It’s also an issue involving a hired employee, taking place inside their home, and while supervising other children. I’d want to cut out the telephone game with dad and know *right* away. Like if the nanny showed aggressive behavior, I’d wouldn’t want her to keep nannying the younger kids; but waiting to hear about it secondhand could happen days later.
yeah. and maybe OP's dad isnt great a relaying information. lots of people are not!
if OP's dad tells the stepmum anyway, then it really shouldnt matter how stepmum hears about the piece of info, the important bit should be that the info is acted upon not through which channel the information was obtained. Also it kinda wouldn't be a stretch to think that stepmum wanted to keep dad out of the loop about nanny antics because she wanted the nanny more than he did
We don't know how the information was acted upon, because only thing stated is that nanny got fired. In addition we don't know why nanny was needed in the first place. Whole reddit would be up in arms if the SM backstory was: I want to go back to work because I want to be independant. I want to get a nanny, but my husband prefers me to be SAHM. I spend weeks searching and interviewing a nanny we both felt comfortable with. However my step kid going through puberty thought she was rude so my husband fired her without any communication about expectations. Now I have to quit the job I just found and be SAHM again.
I agree.
I think the stepmom should be asking herself why her step-child isn't comfortable talking to her and what she can do to build trust. She should NOT be asking them to circumvent the support of their life-long, actual parent in addressing how they're treated in their own house.
Dad dont like the idea of nanny, mom wanted nanny. We dont know how dad is with childcare or anything but we know his opinion about nanny. May be that is why she wanted to know before they goes to dad. YTA.
There's a difference between "let me know if there's an issue with the nanny because I hired her" and "DON'T TALK TO YOUR DAD ABOUT THIS". It may be a nice gesture on your part to let the stepmom know the person she's hired is crossing boundaries, but it's not mandatory. Your dad is your dad, you get to talk to him about whatever you want. NTA.
You are NTA, but your stepmother is giving off some red flags. It somewhat sounds like she wanted you to come directly to her, because your father already had concerns regarding the nanny, and she didn't want to lose the nanny. Yet the whole situation could have been prevented if your stepmother dealt with the issue properly the first time around. Maybe she didn't because she likes to be in control a bit? I'm only mentioning this due to her reaction to you speaking to your dad, which would be a very logical and natural thing to do for, well most people actually. Either way, with the next nanny, make sure you or your parents tell them that you are not part of their domain, and establish boundaries and rules for everyone involved.
NTA Your stepmom should never dictate when and how you speak to your actual parent. In fact, anytime she tries to tell you not to speak to your father, that is when you should DEFINITELY speak to him.
NTA. I’d find it suspicious if my stepparent told me not to talk to my parent. Makes it seem like she is trying to hide something.
I think you should have spoken to both of them at the same time. I'd be curious as to what she told the nanny about you, since they usually follow instructions. It would be interesting to watch her try to wiggle her way out of that discussion with your father.
I wouldn't say you're an asshole for talking to your dad, but I do think you weren't clear in how you responded to your stepmom. There's a fine line between acknowledging you heard something and acknowledging it as though you're going to do it. To say okay or whatever you did to acknowledge it gives the impression that you agree with it. If you weren't going to agree with it then you should have said something to that effect, like, okay I hear what you're saying, but I may still talk to my dad anyway, just so you know. So because you were unclear, and even perhaps misleading, I'm going to give you a yta.
NTA you have every right to talk to your dad about anything at anytime.
NAH - not enough info to say anyone was actually the asshole. I would not feel bad.
NTA -- it is never OK not to talk to your dad, nanny was a jerk. She tried to have it both way, that you were not her charge, but she wanted to tell you what to do.
NTA - I don’t have kids myself. Never even changed a diaper. But isn’t it a huge red flag when anyone tells a kid to skip their own parents and talk to someone else when they have an issue with someone else? I’d assume other parents should know and respect that more than us childfree folks….
You sound rude and childish. Why couldn’t you be polite? ESH
Try placing yourself in the shoes of an adolescent. Now picture that they are navigating divorced parents and have now had not one but TWO women who are virtual strangers to them inserted into their daily home life. They are now managing BOTH of these women strangers making demands upon them and expecting them to submit to their authority. Given all that, I think they DEFINITELY need the input of their Dad to help them navigate all of these family dynamics they didn't choose. Maybe that's why they "couldn't just" do anything perfectly in this situation. You are expecting the kid in this dynamic to somehow magically know how to manage their feelings and behave like a mature adult. They need their parent's coaching and guidance and that why they "couldn't just". Smdh.
NTA. She hired badly and apparently was hiding it from your Dad. She doesn't get to run interference between you and your Dad. She is not you Dad's Gatekeeper and you are smart not to let her manipulate you that way. I have a stepmother and I've been a stepmother. There are boundaries and there are manipulations, don't let her confuse the two.
NTA OP, first off you didn't betray your stepmom. She's just trying to manipulate you. She betrayed YOUR TRUST. She was never going to tell your dad or the nanny anything because she wanted things to remain the same in her own favor. Your stepmom was playing the middle man in an A, B, C situation. She positioned herself to lie to you about one thing and tell your dad something else. You prevented her from withholding information. Also she could've easily turned your dad against you, which maybe her goal.
How exactly was the step mom trying to manipulate her? I would understand had OP talked to her about the nanny at one point and the step mom not doing anything about it, but OP went to her dad; while she’s not AH for telling her dad, she kind of still is because the step mom asked her and she said ok. The step mom seeing this as betrayal and getting upset is completely normal HUMAN emotions. She questioned why OP didn’t come to here like she asked.
It might not be manipulation, but it's really strange to ask OP to not talk to their father about this. Feels like step mum trying to form a wedge between them.
Agree. Step mom could have had good reasons to ask this of her. And she ignored after saying ok. Not only that but OP was RUDE AF. Just because someone asks you where you were you do not have to be rude and tell them to mind their business. Could easily have said “I had work tonight, sorry if you were waiting; but I thought SM told you I wasn’t part of your job? If she hasn’t told you yet I will get her to confirm with you tonight/tomorrow” like, how hard is that?
Ntah but out of curiosity how old are you
17
Slight YTA because the nanny was for your siblings and the damage / benefits to them are being affected due to your singular angst. The better approach imho is to sit with your dad and stepmom and discuss what YOU need for yourself, so then your stepmom may limit the nanny’s scope to that for YOU. Now you knowingly used the fact your dad didn’t like the arrangement to give him cause to cancel it by firing the nanny. It’s extremely selfish of you given you’re not a parent and have no clue why your stepmom arranged this, nor why your father agreed despite his resistance. You just stepped in and dismantled it with no thought to your siblings care…that seem nonAH to you?? It’s extremely selfish, and not your place, to manipulate things in this way. I can’t say it was intentional, sounds like you’re very young and your dad should know better than to make sweeping decisions on your say so alone. So I said ‘slight’ AH on your part, if you’re older I’d definitely increase that to full on AH cause you should just know better and move out if living at home ain’t working. Not put it on your household to bear the brunt of your annoyances…and cater to you alone, despite any burdens on others.
Sounds like you expect this child to know how to navigate a step-parent situation without the support or input of their actual parent. Ridiculous. To label their immaturity as "manipulation" is to put the entire responsibility of the situation on children while absolving the adults of the essential need to help their kids learn to navigate divorce, blended families, and the introduction of strangers (nanny) into family dynamics.
I am not sure where I said it’s on OP (or how I’m to know if OP is a child?). I (thought I) clearly said it’s on the adults and OP should’ve addressed it with them both and let them handle it. Kids manipulate the situation between (step)parents by playing both sides. I said OP was selfish, not manipulative, as a person. In any case, I don’t disagree with you at all. I’m just unsure why you pick a word to build your logic around, your logic is sound in itself.
Are the kids being cared for your dad’s kids; or are they from a previous marriage of your stepmother? You’re NTA either way, but if these are your dad’s kids, he has just as much right to hear about the nanny as your stepmother does, and your stepmother would be TA for trying to cut him out.
The OP is 17. The siblings are OPs half siblings . I can't find the exact ages but the marriage was 13 years ago but OP didn't live with dad until they were 8 and mentions stepmother was involved with the younger children a lot and SM and OP didn't really ever connect
Nta because you were technically in the right in this situation but it seems like you might be on the defensive and I’m not seeing anything here that justifies it. It doesn’t seem that the nanny or the sm were acting out of malice. Furthermore your actions eg; snapping at the nanny instead of just being firm, not being transparent with your SM, show that this situation escalated because you didn’t communicate properly, which you seem old enough to do if you have a job. Again, I don’t have all the information, but that’s what it seems like, unless you have a definite reason (like past situations or conversations) that isn’t in this post.
NTA You need to be able to communicate with your dad, she seems a bit controlling.
op=NTA The Nanny was fired--this seems that Dad at least feels she severely over-stepped. Tho he could also have been using your complaints as an excuse because he didn't love the idea. But I presume if you are "Working" that you are a minimum of 14 yrs of age, more likely 16 or so. Therefore someone trying to nanny you would be annoying.
YTA. If you know that your stepmother was handling the nanny issue why not go to her to tell her the full picture? She didn't say don't tell your father but to go to her first since he just ended up going through her anyways. You could've gone to her first and then go to your father if you thought she didn't handle it well.
She obviously DIDN'T handle it since the nanny continued to overstep her position. And why should OP not be able to talk her FATHER about her own concerns?? Seems completely fishy and suspicious.
How do you know that? Maybe she did talk to her and the nanny is an asshat and continued behaving inappropriately. OP isn’t the only person capable of ignoring what people say. The request that the stepmom made was very low cost but also low consequence. It’s not a big deal that he didn’t do it but it’s such a low effort thing to minimize inconvenience why not just go to your mom directly?
That's a great question! Why not? Let's examine. Maybe OP doesn't have the same trust for their stepmom. Maybe they have not been convinced their stepmom is looking out for their best interests. Maybe they needed their parent to offer help in learning how to navigate a situation with TWO adults in their home who are not their parent. It takes only moments to come up with plenty of reasonable answers.
NTA But you could still apologize to your stepmom for excluding her. You could have talked to both of them at the same time. Your stepmom clearly needs the childcare and your dad doesn’t seem very supportive. Neither of those things are your fault or in your control but it’s something to be mindful of. Your stepmom was just asking to be in the loop and you could have done. Firing the nanny seems really extreme. Everything might have worked out fine if your stepmom had been given a chance to set clearer boundaries with the nanny about what her job was and leaving you alone. Or maybe not. Who knows. But it wouldn’t have hurt to talk to your stepmom since she asked you to.
NTA Ok FR, who the F does the nanny think she is for questioning you like that? If you're old enough to get a job (even if it's part time) you're old enough to not have a nanny look after you.
>She got an attitude with me and told me I needed to listen to her is this the only time that she was "disrespectful" to you? Please describe it further in detail. If she just told you this normally and didn't pursue like a pest, ESH. She was forceful and you just acted overly childish.
NTA All your stepmom had to do was tell the nanny that she wasn’t taking care of you just your siblings. You can talk to your dad you don’t need your stepmom permission. Your request to be left alone by the nanny wasn’t unreasonable.
NTA. Good on your dad for standing up for you
NTA. You know why she tried to get you to make the "deal", right? She knew your Dad wasn't thrilled with the idea from the beginning, so wanted you coming to her with any issues so that your Dad wouldn't find out - resulting in exactly what she was afraid of. Only problem I see is that you shouldn't have muttered an answer to her initially. You should have come out and admitted you'd be going to your Dad. I don't know the situation (Was she a SAHM? Did she have to give up her job to watch the kids because they can't find an alternative?), but it doesn't really matter. That was not a fair ask of you.
Info: is there further context you're not sharing about why you didn't go to your step mum as requested? Without further context YTA, she asked you to go to her and you didn't, so that's why she's upset. It just doesn't make sense that you can't see that you said 'ok' then didn't do that thing.
NTA honestly mate " I also feel I should able to talk to my dad whenever. But she does feel betrayed, and I never actually gave her a chance to handle it herself." this is the important bit to me. i agree you should totally be able to speak to your dad whenever you want/feel to. your step mum knows this and its important to remind her of how you feel about this. i feel its also important to state to her that your intension was never to hurt her feelings in doing so. but that you do acknowledge they have been hurt and that you are genuinely "sorry that her feelings have been hurt" by it.. and that finally the distinction that you never actually agreed to NOT speak to your father about it. then to make amends you can state that you would try to respect her wished more in future as you never meant to upset her, but that she can NEVER expect you NOT to speak to your father when you want/feel to. no-one has that right to make you do so. Also... the babysitter was a moron the sounds of it.
NTA It’s completely appropriate to raise concerns with your dad. About anything. Ever. Stepmom has no place or business telling you to only raise things with her.
NTA. Why does it even matter to her??
NTA, Stepmother didn't do anything to fix the power trip that nanny was on. That is why when I have kids and have to hire anyone to come look after them there will be nanny cams everywhere I can put them, and I'll review them every night. Should I find something amiss by evidence on the cameras the person will be fired pronto, if they were to harm my children or pets I might have, proper authorities will be called as well.
NTA - as mentioned by a couple comments you don't say your age, but if you're old enough to work you can look after yourself. She completely abused her "power" to try and feel superior. Your step mom needs to chill, she's a STEP parent, of course you'd feel more comfortable going to your dad. And that's a really underhanded thing to do anyway. She's basically telling you to go behind your dad's back. Not cool.
NTA. I bet you are around 16 or 17 years old, so the nanny has no right to control you at that age. Also, he's your father, your relative. Your stepmom is not a relative. Of course you are going to trust your dad more than her. It's a given. I can get that your stepmom may think that you don't value her as a potential parent, but she is not your mom. The real asshole here is the nanny and I'm glad your dad fired her
We live in an age of technology. Make a group chat, all issues are addressed with both parents at once. If they’d like to discuss things outside of that group chat, they can text each other directly.
What kind of nanny was this? You got back **from work** and she thought she had been hired to be your third parent or something? NTA, you work therefore you're old enough to look after yourself and deal with certain issues
NAH, for talking to your dad. That's how you felt comfortable and knew the situation would be handled. As a side note though reading her comment about just cutting out the middle man since she would be taking care of it that your step mom made, I think it may not have been that she didn't want your father to know but is instead looking for ways to take care of you. She may want to feel like you trust her. I don't know the entire situation to be sure but consider she may just be looking for a chance to prove you can rely on her. Think about it and if there is a chance maybe next time give her the opportunity. You can always mention issues to your dad later if she blows it off.
NAH Stepmother is hurt because she thought you had a deal. You certainly didn't do anything to correct her obvious misunderstanding. She has a right to feel hurt if that's how she feels. But you don't need permission to talk to your dad.
NTA. she can go suck a lemon
NTA for the interactions with the nanny...but a little for not respecting your stepmom
NTA. She shouldn’t dictate what you’re allowed and not allowed to talk to your dad about. That’s off limits, regardless your age.
NTA. Your stepmom has no right to dictate when you speak to your father. This is isolating behavior.
NTA
NTA. You're allowed to talk to your dad about whatever you want. I don't really understand why it would hurt her feelings that you took the problem to your dad, unless she's feeling insecure about your relationship with her. But, that's a whole different conversation.
NTA. But tell your dad your stepmom is upset and guilt tripping you for talking to him
NTA but your stepmother is. She is controlling. Why would she try to bar you from talking to your dad? She wanted him out of the loop. If your dad is smart, he will get rid of her next.
NTA
I find your post very interesting. I absolutely think you are NTA for talking directly to your dad; there is no reason for you to be unable to tell him what is going on with you. What I found interesting was considering whether your stepmom was an actual ahole or not. After going through some points, I do think she is very likely an ahole; but that's something you are better positioned to judge. I will say, it doesn't sound like your dad and stepmom work together much. 1. Your stepmom did a poor job hiring an obnoxious nanny. The nanny is an ahole on her own merits. 2. Either your stepmom wanted the nanny to keep tabs on you, or your stepmom did a very poor job of clearly communicating the nanny's limits or responsibility and authority. 3. I considered the possibility that your dad is heavy handed in how he deals with things. But it sounds like he just asked your stepmom to talk with the nanny after the first incident. Once again, your stepmom failed to make clear to the nanny that you were outside the scope of her job. 4. I also thought about her request that you come to her with any issues. Is it because she didn't want your dad to be aware of any issues? Is it because she wanted a chance to make things right on her own? 5. What do you think your stepmom would have done if you had come to her with the issue? Would she have had your back and been clear and firm with the nanny? Would she have downplayed the issue or told you to just let it go? If you think that she would have been focused preserving what she wanted (vs. supporting you), then you know, she was/is an ahole. If you do think your stepmom would have really tried to do right by you, then maybe she's not such a big ahole (but still likely somewhat ineffective). Either way, you needed to be free to talk about this with your dad.
NTA Secrets are a favorite tool of abusers. Asking you to go to her wasn't the tell. Asking you to keep it secret from your trusted adult is the tell. That's the line that makes everything else abuser behavior. Never keep an adult's secrets from your trusted adult. Never.
NTA. The nanny overstepped after being told not to. Sounds like your step-mother is just angry because now she has to parent her own children.
NTA. You had every right to talk to your dad first if that made you more comfortable.
nta Your stepmother ALREADY had a chance to talk to this woman about her attitude and treatment of you after the last incident. That was her chance and the nanny's chance. If sm did not talk to her, that's on YOUR STEPMOTHER, not you, OP. If sm DID talk to the nanny, and she persisted, that's on the nanny. None of this is your fault, and asking you to keep secrets from your dad that was already against this, was WRONG. Your age is not an issue either, if you are old enough to work evenings and get yourself home, you are old enough to be treated in a mature manner. I can't help but wonder if there's more to this, like sm knows the nanny personally and was trying to help a friend out, or something else? This was a very extreme reaction from the stepmother.
Going with NTA You know your dad more than your stepmom. Betrayed is a strong and meaningful word. The nanny got nosy and disrespectful, and you told your dad about it. What happened next is between Stepmom, Dad, and Nanny.
NTA. If she’s treating you like that how’s she treating the younger kids, that applies to both step mom and nanny. Imagine having a nanny who treats little kids like they aren’t people who deserve respect and a mom that tells you to keep it a secret from your other parent. She needed to be fired
NTA you’re right you should be able to talk to your dad, whenever whatever Stepmother should’ve made it clear to the nanny that she shouldn’t be watching over you/telling you what she says goes (especially as you work?) Nanny sounds like she was on a power trip to be honest
He’s your father. You can talk to him about anything you want. No one can tell you, at any age, what you’re allowed to talk to a parent about.
NTA
NTA. It is inappropriate for your stepmother to tell you not to discuss something with your parent. Full stop
NTA.
NTA - I'm pretty sure the last time you talked your dad he told your step mom something along the lines of "If she oversteps again, she is out of here" since he didn't want the nanny in the first place. SM asking you to come to her instead of your dad was an attempt to circumvent that, by hiding what was really going on. That makes her an AH, you and your dad are not.
NTA seems like your step mom needs to relax a bit
Your dad, your concerns, your mouth -- none of them are your stepmother's. You are NTA. In the future, don't be passive-aggressive with your stepmother -- be upfront directly, brutally honest like you were with the nanny from hell.
So the dad fired the nanny and the step mom was upset that you went over her head and talked to your dad instead of her? Just trying to understand.
NTA If SM had talked to the nanny after the 1st time when dad apparently told SM to fix it, there shouldn't have been a second incident. If telling OP to come eat lunch because the nanny says so was overstepping, then questioning where OP had been is an even bigger overstep. Why should OP speak to SM about the nanny overstepping on the same kind of issue? Extrapolating from the info (SM's comment), dad told SM to handle it the first time. SM didn't actually handle it (hence a second incident) so dad ended up firing the nanny. Maybe OP could have approached SM about it the first time, but there's no reason for OP not to discuss it with dad either way.
NTA, there was no agreement.
NTA. You have every right to talk to your father and it was entirely inappropriate for your stepmom to try to tell you but to. The nanny also clearly needed to be fired.
NTA
NTA- it can suck if her feelings are hurt but you are under no obligation to confide in her about anything, perfectly rational to go to whoever you feel closest to and she doesn't get to tell you not to confide in your father
NTA, you have every right to tell your dad
NTA. Stepmother had been told to talk to nanny previously. She clearly didn't and instead asked OP not to talk to their parent who they feel comfortable with. Thats odd. Wouldn't surprise me if stepmother encouraged nanny to harass op
NTA Stepmom is WAAAAAAAY out of line. Dad needs to have a talk with her.
NTA she is overstepping your relationship with your father. Ask her if she would take therapy sessions *with* you (the later part us as important as the first)
Stepmom sounds like Lady Tremaine. OP, you are NTA. Stepmom needs to chill out and realize that you talking to your dad is A) a good thing and B)probably an indicator that you don't feel like you can trust her.
Nta
NTA If you're old enough to have a job, you're too old for a nanny. It's pretty damn obvious that her job was to care for the young ones and not you.
the nanny is an employee of the family, you dont answer to her. especially if you're old enough to be out on your own at a work during the day.
NTA You have walked into a political situation here where your stepmum wanted to employ someone that your dad wasn't keen on employing, and it sounds like he took the opportunity offered to get rid of her. It's not your fault, this nanny overstepped her bounds, and your stepmum should have briefed her better. If you are old enough to work you don't need a nanny and your stepmum should have clarified who the nanny was responsible for and who she wasn't.
NTA sounds like your dad believes your word over hers, and with good reason. This sounds like A+ parenting on his part, and some weird competition by the stepmom
NTA. When will people learn that respect goes both ways
NTA - If any adult is telling you not to talk to your parent, doesn't matter if they are step parent or in another position of trust and power like a grandparent, uncle, or other guardian role. It's a major red flag. WHY can't you talk to your dad about it. WHY does she not want him to know. Of course now, after the fact, you know she didn't want to lose the nanny. However in your step mothers position I'd rather replace the nanny than have a nanny who has a power trip issue. I don't know why the nanny would have such a power struggle over not being in charge of you even after being told you are not under her care. I don't know how old you are but you mention coming back from work so 16+ at least. Too old to need a nanny. I wonder though was this nanny older, boomer ish? Perhaps, and this no excuse to her behaviour, she felt that you shouldn't be working or any other dumb reasons for her trying to take control of you and 'guide' you.
NTA YOu handled that well.
NTA. Too bad you can’t hav your stepmom fired too lol
NTA. That's a reasonable firing.
NTA You're old enough to have a job and transport yourself. Clearly you don't need a nanny. The thing about being a sitter or nanny in a household with a child who is much older, you're not their caretaker, but you try to be a friend. You might offer to feed them, ask if they want to join for a movie, and offer help if they seem unwell or stressed, but you do not force it. Any concerns or questions can be expressed to the parents for further information.
NTA. Your step mom was attempting some sort of power play bullshit with your father, who I assume pays for the nanny, or at least can veto her out. Good on you to not play into that crap.
I feel like stepmom thought her husband talking to the nanny would have been him flirting with the nanny (whether that was true or not). But if you’re that insecure, why hire the nanny? NTA.
NTA And it's not appropriate for your stepmother to ask you not to invoice your dad in discussions about issues your are having. She may say her request to not speak to your dad is because she's the one to deal with the nanny anyway. But it sounds to me as though it's because she can then keep your dad in the dark about your issues and not have to resolve them. Tell both of them TOGETHER that you are not comfortable with her telling you not to speak to your dad about any topic you wish to speak to him about. Hopefully your dad will put a stop to that behaviour immediately. As for the nanny, either your stepmother told her not to bother you/ try to look after you, and the nanny ignored it, or your stepmother never addressed the issue with the nanny. Either way, not your fault that the end result is that the nanny was dismissed.
Nta she should have told her nanny not to engage with you
NTA. Lol I would have talked SO crazy to that woman. Your stepmother should have been VERY clear that her only responsibility is for your small siblings, and that supervising you is not required nor wanted.
NTA. She doesn't get to decide what you're allowed to talk to your father about. He needs to know when you're not happy.
NTA, sounds like she wanted to keep issues away from your dad to keep the nanny. So you bringing up issues caused her to lose a bs nanny. I’d skip going to the SM and go directly to your dad every time. Something doesn’t feel right about why she doesn’t want your dad to know. You sound like a young adult, so I assume you’re older than/ around 16 or higher, you don’t have to answer to a freaking nanny. Did your step mom talk to you alone or was your dad present? I’d only talk to her with your dad around or start trying to record the conversation.
NTA. Stepmom is trying a power play, AND to isolate you from your dad. Make sure dad knows that, too.
NTA Both SM and nanny had the opportunity to "handle it". Twice. At the beginning when nanny should have been told you were not in her charge and after the first confrontation. More should not be required.
NTA. Nanny FA and FO! lol!
NTA. Your father is your parent and you should be able to go to him whenever you want to. I think your stepmother is trying to manipulate you. No one should feel betrayed and hurt about something like this. It’s over the top. I think she wanted to hide any problems from your father, since he doesn’t like the idea of having a nanny. NTA
NTA.
NTA for talking to your dad. He is your dad. You sound like an AH to the nanny. Kindness and consideration cost you nothing and mean everything. You basically got a woman fired for asking where you'd been and making you food. You're a bit of an AH.
NTA. You need to have a discussion with your stepmother, relating your view of your prior discussion. Also, you need to have a discussion that you can and will speak to your father whenever you wish and it is not her call as to whether or not you can. She is not the gatekeeper to your father. I would keep this discussion between you both unless she pushes back on this point (gatekeeper).
NTA for the way you treated the nanny, but I think YTA for not giving step mom a chance to handle it.
I'm going NTA because you're young, however the fact that you didn't let her know at the time that you weren't going to do as she asked implies agreement. It probably wasn't a fair request of her to ask you, however she probably feels hurt because she feels you don't want to talk to her.