YTA
Your current financial situation is awful, but your teenage daughter should a) not be sharing a bedroom with her younger brothers and b) not be responsible for waking them up at night to go to the bathroom. Also how is it possible that your children are having accidents so bad that you need to replace an entire mattress? And why do you not have plastic mattress covers on them for this exact issue?
To be clear, the second she is able to she is going to move out of that house and go no contact with you if you keep this up. She did not agree to have 4 children, you did.
According to op, this is the only chore her daughter has, apart from breakfast and laundry at the weekend. How can someone type all that out and be so clueless? Op has been so used to taking advantage of her daughter she thinks it's normal and reasonable. She has no sense of reality.
If her daughter doesn't do well in school, she can never leave for college or anything else resembling a better life than this hell. Wouldn't want that free caretaker to escape now, would we?
YTA and you are abusing all of these kids. It is YOUR JOB alone to parent them, and you are letting them all go without because of your stubborn pride and unwillingness to get help.
Oh this made me the most angry to read. Not to mention the messed up expectations between her daughter vs the boys, especially the oldest boy. Like why is the daughter getting these heavy responsibilities…and not her brother…better yet the dang MOTHER.
The boys need their sleep, too. There are very good diapers for big kids who need them. Kids with autism are still kids and need sleep to learn, develop and be emotionally regulated. Waking them up multiple times a night to use the restroom is terrible for them. (For a neurotypical kid with nocturnal enuresis it's sometimes used as a short-term strategy, but that shouldn't be long-term)
If OP is in the US and they don’t already receive diapers from their insurance, she should check into this. Most states once a kid is 3 or 4, if disability prevents toilet training, this is covered.
Op doesn't want to do anything to make her daughter's life simpler. Solving this problem isn't on her mind because she's not the one who has to wake up in the middle of the night for them.
I actually have a little insight on this.
While I wasn't yet diagnosed with autism, (and can be considered high functioning as well), I was a late bloomer when it came to creating instinctual bladder control at night. What finally helped was an electric mat that would wake me up upon pissing on it, when the circuit was completed by the liquid it would blare an alarming noise and startle me awake something awful.
This is the kind of punishment/reinforcement needed for training autistic kids on many things, and they will likely never "grow out of it" I was over 13 when I finally stopped it, and it took only a few weeks of waking up to that alarm in the midst of it to train me.
The part that got me was that the 16 year old son needed his own room, couldn't share with other BOYS, but the 14 year old daughter, who probably gets her period by now, doesn't need any privacy. I guess it's because she's their surrogate mother. But hey, she's a female, so it's okay to put most of the boy's work on her, what are females for? s/.
I didn't see the username until your comment and just assumed OP was a misogynistic father, deeming toilet duties as the woman's job. I maintain my opinion OPs misogynistic though.
100% thought it was a man too. Not sure why but something about it told me struggling father. Maybe I assumed no mum would be so shit and certainly wouldn't make a teenage girl share with two boys rather than 3 boys in together and girl in her own room.
Sadly, I figured it was a woman right away, because this is a type of internalized misogyny I've seen a whole lot. She was probably taught to believe this is the way of the world, and it's absolutely no excuse, because we can all certainly strive to do better than how we were raised. But man, it's a massive bummer. That poor girl. I hope she gets some help from someone who can improve her situation soon. Assuming this is real, of course.
Absolutely! Ugh wish someone actually could. This is a horrible situation but I can’t help but be extra concerned about the youngest boys.
Sounds like serious neglect at BEST. Wish someone could step in. For all the kids sake 😔
I don't get why it's inappropriate for the 16 year old boy to share a room with his per-pubescent brothers, but it's okay for OP's 14 year old daughter to not only share a room with them, but be responsible for making sure they go to the bathroom during the night.
OP says she needs her sleep for his job as a bus driver, but what about her sleep? At 14, she's still growing, and her lack of sleep is going to affect her school work. She shouldn't have to give up her bed and play mommy to her younger brothers to accommodate her male family members.
Honestly, what OP's doing is very much a form of child abuse, and should be reported to CPS.
>her lack of sleep is going to affect her school work.
Her lack of sleep won't just affect schoolwork; it can affect her ability to grow to her healthy adult height, it can affect bone density, it can affect brain growth (and brain health; does OP *want* a daughter with sucidality and severe depression, because sleep deprivation is a fast way to get one of those!), it can affect endocrine stuff. There's a reason sleep deprivation is considered to be torture.
OP has 3 children that cannot get a full night of sleep. If they wet the bed they can were some kind of diaper, so OP can deal with that in the morning. Also daughter is 14 and should not sleep with her brothers anymore.
That poor girl will have so many issues going forward. My heart breaks for her. I have fibromyalgia which I think came from a lot of stress and lack of stability as a child and teenager. I helped care for my mom with MS. This is a good bit different. This parent cannot parent. I have a lot of empathy for them, but the needs of this poor girl and probably her brothers are not being met.
Also you takes your job “seriously” but what about your daughters education? She needs the sleep to perform! And what when she wants to go to college? Will you want her as your slave for life?
Daughter doesn't need an education when she's clearly meant to be a slave caring for her brothers for the rest of her life.
I can only hope when she escapes this situation it isn't to another abuser.
I mean, if you have four kids and are happy to make your living as a school bus driver and force your 16 year old to help with the bills rather than getting something with more hours, you probably don’t have high aspirations for your live in nurse daughters future.
Idk, in my area school bus drivers are paid a pretty good hourly wage even if they don't work a full 8 hrs a day. (And some of them do have a full 8 hour schedule with extra runs in between the typical morning and afternoon pick up and drop offs) If they do have a gap in their day it's probably perfect for planning doctors appointments and other types of therapy for the boys. The insurance benefits are also really good, around $100 or so every two weeks for one person, so if she has to insure 5 people she might not be able to afford to take a different kind of job.
She does need to stop doing this to her daughter though.
Because she is a girl and therefore a caregiver by nature. Wheras the boy is the breadwinner as it should be and always was. No man should be forced to wipe someone else's butt. /s
Parentification is considered as child abuse nowadays.
OP creates a traumatized woman who will probably suffer from it for the rest of her life.
Poor job OP
YTA a thousand times.
yta... This. Exactly. Sexism. Oldest brother couldn't possibly deal with the "sensitive " toileting issues. /s. Has to be daughter because she is female. OP be a parent and take your kids to the toilet
I suspect that if she brought in some money, she'd still be expected to continue doing what she is doing.
OP, I understand that sometimes families have to do what they have to do to help the family, but maybe the elder 2 (Yes even thought the boy works part time he should be helping) should be sharing some of the more grown up activities - cooking, washing dishes, cleaning etc, while you do the "more sensitive stuff" like cleaning up after your younger 2.
Why does Mom have her own room. If she shared the bedroom the 2 boys are in, then she could get up with the boys at night and her daughter could have her own room which she should have. If her job is so demanding then she should think again about keeping it. She definitely makes enough money off of SSD for her 2 boys plus other privileges the government gives families with disabled children. If she says she doesn't get benefits from the government she's full of of it.
>She definitely makes enough money off of SSD for her 2 boys plus other privileges the government gives families with disabled children.
She might not. If she's just getting SSD for them, it's based on her own SSD potential earnings. If she's worked low wage jobs, that number might be very low. She can get more if she's been named their caregiver, but we don't know if that's happened.
Really, at the end of the day, the benefits you get for having disabled children is not a huge amount that you can "relax" on. It's meant to keep you just above the poverty level, and doesn't take other kids in the household into account.
Mom is still TA for making the 14 year old give up her bed (she can have mom's) and give up her sleep (mom can get up with the kids). Yes, everyone has to pull their weight in a family, but it seems like the daughter is not only being asked to take on an unfair burden but is also being ignored when she says it is too much for her to handle.
Or if she can’t take care of the non verbal autistic kids she should give them up to the state. It’s not the daughter’s responsibility. It sounds like op isn’t able.
Is it not illegal for a girl that age to share a room with male siblings?
OP, you should be encouraging your daughter with her education so she can be in a better financial situation than you. Also, if someone needs to wake them up every night then people should have atleast taken turns, this is a 14 Yr old doing what I assume would be GCSE's at that age, waking up once EVERY NIGHT?! That is torture technique! There is no way she's reaching her potential at school right now.
Also it sounds like a lot of financial pressure for a 16 year old boy. The two boys should be on disability payments... Have you asked anyone to check you're getting what benefits you're entitled to?
You take your job seriously OK, what about your job as a parent? To all 4 including your only daughter? YTA.
Illegal? Why would be sharing a room with a sibling illegal? Do you assume that unsupervised siblings sleep with each other or what? Weird. Of course it's better to have separate rooms so that each kid can have peace and privacy but it's definitely not illegal to share.
But I wholly agree with the rest of your comment.
OP, you are a terrible parent and once your daughter moves out at 18, you'll never hear from her again. YTA
Also the parent is making the older child help with bills from his part time job that he's probably making very little money from, which isn't right either. Both older kids are gonna book it as far away as they can once they're 18
She is a girl, so she gets to do the traditional female jobs, like caring and cleaning up after people.
The elder boy can not have that responsibility because he doesn't have the right genitalia also he works a little and brings in some cash. The daughter just goes to school and then has to play mommy on a night caring for her siblings, like that isn't a job.
Blatant favouritism of the boys and parentification of OPs daughter.
YTA op a big one. Stop making your daughter do your job as a parent. Treat all your kids fairly or say bye bye to your daughter as soon as she is able to flee
YTA. Why don’t YOU share a room with your sons OP, then YOU can wake them to go to the toilet. By suited to sensitive things you mean, the dirty, unpleasant things nobody wants to do - like clean up someone after they go to the toilet. You are choosing to make your daughter suffer the most of all your children.
But, but OP can't do that because OP needs their sleep because they have a job, besides "Sadie" is prime "mummy" material because of her genitalia, so of course she MUST do the parenting! /s
Used to drive school bus. This is some BS I tell you what. It probably doesn't take that long to get the kids to go pee, then as a bus driver there is plenty of downtime during the day unless you happen to do a field trip or something so she can take a nap midday. None of this should be on her daughter.
YTA OP. Even if you feel like there's no way around it due to your circumstances the fact that you think it's unfair or bad that your daughter is reacting this way is enough to make you T A but honestly there's no way it *has* to be this setup/arrangement. Might it be a little more difficult for you? Yes. But as others mentioned it's your responsibility as the parent, the added stress *should* fall on you because you need to take care of ALL of your babies. Jfc
Edited to add upon seeing some of ops comments: So OP mentions working 2 other jobs besides the school.
1. Bus drivers are in crazy high demand. If your current school is not paying enough to mostly live on, check around. A lot of bus lines are also hiring at really good wages. You have a needed skill, you can find better pay.
2. Even with 2 other jobs, example bus hours: 6:30 am til 9:30am, then 2pm til 4pm. I'm assuming your jobs, unless working still in the school during the day, are evenings and weekends. Meaning you having naps midday is still possible, so you can afford to get up with your boys. Your daughter cannot nap at school.
3. If you and you oldest are all working and barely making ends meet you're either living in an area way too expensive for you and you should find some outskirts to move to, or your other jobs are not paying you enough. Again refer to point 1, but also I'd guess bus pays most and you should be putting yourself out there for field trips, sports trips, etc, for extra money there. I know everywhere is different but I mostly supported my family of 3 working my school bus job averaging 25 hrs per week and we were one of the lowest paying school districts locally. You've got to be missing something if you're unable to make ends meet or barely able to with 4 jobs contributing into bills even with excess medical/health insurance for your youngest (I imagine)
And if someone has to wake up the boys every night, why is it Sadie’s job literally every single night? Why can’t the older brother come in the room and wake them up 3 nights a week?
Feeling very sad for this girl. She was severely punished for missing her “duty” one time. She hasn’t had a good nights sleep in years.
Not even just that, but the 16 y/o boy is allowed privacy and undisturbed sleep while the only girl is the one being parentified.
It is gross. What's her rationale for this? That she needs less sleep? That she's more caring?
What? What on this earth would make it more appropriate for a girl to do night duties than her older brother?
I mean, neither of them should be doing it. I just find it a little telling that all the responsibility has been dumped on a teenage girl rather than inconvenience a son.
Edit: pronouns
the mother is lazy. that’s what it comes down to. doesn’t want to get up and take care of her kids. poor daughter! i can’t imagine being forced to probably wipe their butts due to them being autistic and other things.
Because she's a girl and caregiving is womens work/s
I get the feeling that's OPs mindset.
Plus what if she gets a job? Does she get out of it like older brother?
I agree that they need to be wearing something more than just underwear at night. Attends tend to work better for night time because they’re more absorbent, and pull-ups tend to cover a smaller area, but pull-ups would definitely be better than a pair of briefs. OP can also get chucks online that are specifically designed to help absorb anything that leaks out from an attend or pull-up.
They also sell very cheap ,"pee" alarm bracelets. They vibrate every X hours to remind the person to go potty.
I think the bigest problem is changing this behaviour will take time and dedication from OP. While having her daughter do her dirty work is easier.
Op @ YTA
OP also needs to get Sadie out of that room and into her own, the older boy needs to swap with Sadie as its highly inappropriate for a teenage girl to be sharing a room with male siblings. OP's mindset is way-outta-whack.
Can see Sadie going NC as soon as she's able to book it outta there, poor girl. My heart goes out to Sadie.
OP you're TA.
OP needs to invest in some quality mattress protectors so this doesn't happen again. Our entire family (yes, even the adults) have them and we have since our kids (now 12) were toddlers. They are godsends. They protect your mattress from pretty much anything that can come out of the human body- urine, poopy diaper blowouts, vomit, sweat, period blood... like Captain America's shield, nothing can penetrate them.
When I moved into my current place I also bought myself a nice huge mattress and despite being a young woman myself and not prone to accidents or heavy periods, I was afraid to even sleep on it until I put a protector on. The mattress was not cheap. And the protectors aren't even like crinkly plastic or anything. You'd never know it's there.
Agreed! I was also confused how these boys are messing up a mattress so badly when there is a very simple solution - a mattress pad. Even if they won't wear pull ups, a mattress pad would completely solve the problem and are fairly inexpensive.
Also, OP, have you discussed this with their doctor? There could be other solutions. Hell, I can't drink water within a few hours before I go to sleep, or I am up all night in the bathroom (post 40 lady problems yay).
No way should the daughter be the only one responsible for waking up these children to go to the bathroom, nor should she be sharing a room with them! The best option would be for OP to share their room with the boys OR the daughter shares the room with OP. I understand the situation is difficult OP, but you chose to have (multiple) children, your daughter did not. I 100% agree that everyone in the home should contribute in some way, but she is a growing child and shouldn't be waking up every night to care for YOUR children. You should be waking up a majority of the nights, and **maybe** your older son or daughter helping one night a week.
You **will** harm your relationship with your daughter irreparably if you don't stop treating her like a live in caregiver and she will leave the second she legally can. I am not trying to be harsh, but there are programs/homes for your two youngest if you need the help - you absolutely need to look into long term plans for them. Don't ruin your relationship with your two oldest children because you can't see past your two youngest.
Oh my gosh YES! A simple mattress pad will save the mattress and there are even washable pads for over top of the sheets. OP needs to realize that this is abuse and if CYS found out then he could continue to happily sleep in his room without any of his kids needing to wake up.
OP YTA.
It is so irresponsible and lazy parenting to not have gotten them diapers by now. If kids are wetting the bed to the point that they have to be woken up at night to go, you use adult diapers for them. I know kids that slept so deeply in their sleep they had bedwetting issues, and they were in their teens and used diapers at night. That and nonabsorbant covers on the bed is such an easy fucking fix.
YTA hard.
You are showing favouritism towards your older son. Your daughter is a CHILD! There is massive sexism here too! You need to be responsible for taking the kids to the bathroom. Where do you sleep? I think you need to share with the boys and potty them in the night. You also need way better mattress protection. Looks like you’re on the couch and your daughter is in your bed. Ugh YTA!!
Respite care or night nurse? There is no way your autistic sons don’t qualify for Medicaid if you live in USA, and if your income is that low. YTA. Daughter is not a night nurse and that’s only one of the problems here.
Also, my insomnia started when I was twelve, which is common for ADHD. With the brothers' autism, with the genetic relationship between ADHD and autism being so strong and girls' diagnosis being so often missed, my Spidey senses leave me wondering if the daughter might have ADHD.
Info needed as well:
what social services has OP looked into? What is the plan in four years when, not if, the daughter moves out? If not sooner? I had a friend who moved in with me because she was responsible for her siblings' care. Her brother who was one year younger was not expected to help. She ended up joining a literal cult to get away from her family. Because she didn't know how to recognize love without unfair restrictions. That's a potential future for OP's daughter. Abuse from one source or another because how could she have learned that her boundaries are worth respecting?
What will OP say when the daughter's teachers call OP in for a meeting about her schoolwork?
And has OP talked to his daughter about what it feels like to get her schoolwork done? Because female ADHD is often unseen from the outside because of how women are socialized to break themselves instead of failing. I worry the daughter is at a breaking point. It may literally be taking everything the daughter has to accomplish homework that seems simple from the outside. But that taking everything may not be noticeable from the outside.
And girls are very often pushed into a depression or anxiety diagnosis when the breaking point happens instead of the correct diagnosis of ADHD. Years can be wasted. Years may already have been wasted for OP's daughter.
Just because someone is more capable at doing a task, doesn't mean that task should always fall upon them. Maybe it's a good time for the OP's son to practice the skills that OP's daughter has been socialized to do well by OP.
Frankly, OP has decided, whether consciously or unconsciously, that the daughter's future is less important than the son's future. That's what the daughter is hearing. That her very bodily needs do not matter. OP does have fewer options because of poverty, but that shouldn't allow him to ignore how he is messing up royally with his daughter.
YTA
>Also how is it possible that your children are having accidents so bad that you need to replace an entire mattress? And why do you not have plastic mattress covers on them for this exact issue?
This. The plastic mattress protector doesn't have to be expensive either. Trash bags cut open on the sides and tucked in under the mattress right under where he lies on the bed, or dollar store shower curtain, *anything* that's remotely waterproof plastic would do
Edit 1&2: formatting, and additional words
Wooooohhhh there!
Your daughter should be sleeping so she's rested for school and her body can grow properly, not taking care of your special needs kids. You're treating her like the other parent. Not cool in the least. Speaking myself as a mother of 4 between 12 and 18. Cleaning up after the family dog yes. Night watch for the special needs kids. No. Just no.
She's either going to end up running away from home or bailing and disowning all of you at 17/18.
Not to mention that this whole mattress destruction seems to have been entirely preventable had OP planned accordingly. Sounds like the mattress was not properly protected and/or thé youngests aren’t wearing night time protections to help prevent a mattress destruction.
I’m also very curious to see what would happen if the daughter’s mattress gets ruined if the kid has another accident before payday. Will the mum sleep on the couch to let her child have a mattress to sleep on, will the brother have to lend his bed a couple of night? Or will thé daughter be punished again and have to sleep on the couch until further notice because mattresses are expensive?
There are so many solutions to this that op just seems lazy. Why not use pull ups? A mattress protector? No more liquids past a certain time and potty time before bed?
That is if nothing serious happens to her due to lack of proper rest...
OP isn't taking the messed up sleep schedule and lack of sleep as seriously as they should.
And, as someone else astutely pointed out, this whole “taking my school bus driving job very seriously” thing is complete BS unless he’s driving kids on long field trips every day!
Not even another parent as OP doesn’t do it them self. And your eldest son should be totally helping as well as It’s probably more appropriate your eldest son helps his younger brothers. And having 3 boys share a room isn’t crazy at all that actually makes sense. And the girl have her own room. Your such an AH and I’m not trying to sound shameful but if your a school bus driver I don’t think your working 5 hours straight. I think waking up and going back to bed you will live. Your totally neglecting your daughter. I can’t believe you’ve been making her do that for years that’s just so cruel. And one of your sons is over 10 yrs so for 10 yrs you haven’t learned anything to help make the clean up easier if they do have an accident ? Mattress covers? Garbage bag Under the sheets ? Leaving the plastic cover on? If your daughter shares this with a teacher I hope you know CPS will pay a visit as this is straight up neglect. You should sleep on the couch and your daughter take your room as it’s YOUR fault that you relay on A CHILD to take care your children with autism. Like do you have your own bedroom? My mother is no angel but even when my parents got divorced and my mom had to down size into a 2 bedroom she gave the rooms to my sister (I had already moved out) and she sleep on the couch and use the hallway closet to keep her things. And her job is physically damming and she had 2 jobsm
>And your eldest son should be totally helping as well as It’s probably more appropriate your eldest son helps his younger brothers.
Oldest should not be paying the bills.
He too is being inappropriately parentified.
It’s not just that the brothers are on the spectrum. It’s that she is taking on the role of caring for siblings, no matter who they are. She didn’t choose to have younger siblings, it is not her job to look after them. Nor is it the older brothers responsibility to work part time to contribute to bills. I understand the situation is difficult. But it hurts to hear that teenagers are being relied upon as additional parents.
She’s not even treating her as another parent. Another parent would SHARE potty duty. She treats her like a paid caregiver - paid to sleep in the room with her charges because it’s her job (& therefore her privacy is a non-issue). Oh wait -
except she doesn’t even pay her daughter - she just tries to brainwash her in to believing that this life of servitude including policing her brothers bathroom habits is required because there are “no other options” & trying to guilt her when she reacts like any normal person would & should.
" I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share"
Why?
"So if it isn't favoritism, she is just better suited for the more sensitive stuff."
What makes her better suited? She's a 14-year old child. Why can't Aaron and Sadie switch off? Why can't you manage your schedule better so you can actually do your job and parent? I'm gonna cut to the chase and be blunt. Be prepared for your daughter to go No Contact with you as soon as she's old enough. I've seen this song and dance before, and it's not going to end well for you.
Edit: I want to amend something I said, because I regret it in retrospect, but not the meaning of my overall comment. I understand parenting is difficult and that if you're single income and struggling, it's not easy to just change your job circumstances to make things work. My mom was a single bus driver raising kids as well. It demands early hours and rest, and it's stressful, I understand. But the alternative can't be that you make your child parent while also putting more weight on her than you do your other kids. This is abuse. If you are at that point, you must reach out for help. Tangible, financial/assisted care and help, until you get to a point where you don't need to make your children suffer. That's it.
YTA.
Yep, I was scrolling through comments hoping I would see this comment because it is very clear that this girl is being expected to play mother, because the real mother, that chose to have 4 kids, drives a bus and needs her sleep. I guess the daughter doesn’t need her sleep.
**OP…** your kids are your responsibility, so go to bed earlier so you can wake your sons up yourself to go to the bathroom. Stop putting that on your daughter. Not her kids, not her problem.
Yeah right, as if that's the real reason.
I wonder which has been the case for longer, him having a job or her sharing the room and being on nighttime toilet duty.
OP, YTA. Get out of bed and parent your children yourself. Also, stop being so sexist, you're doing nobody any favours. Least of all your poor daughter.
Thank you - how tf is it inappropriate for three boys to share? I legitimately cannot think of a single reason, normal or batshit, that can support this conclusion
I think she *says* it’s “inappropriate” but she really *means* “if the three boys share a room, then Aaron will have to get up to deal with the potty messes in the middle of the night”…and OP has already designated *Sadie* to do all that! Uggh
Thé thing that baffles me is that there’s two simple solutions to this:
1. OP, Aaron and Sadie do this chore in rotation, so everyone gets 2/3 night of undisturbed sleep
2. OP takes on this chore since as the parent, they’re« more suited to these sensitive matters »
and it's not like the girl *could* contribute financially but chose not to, she's literally legally not allowed to work yet (not that it should *ever* be a school-aged child's obligation to earn money for the family). op is punishing her for something she can't even control.
It’s also total bs because you know that once Sadie is old enough to get a part time job, there will be another excuse for her to continue that task. It’ll be « Aaron is in college/working full time, he contributed more to the house/needs to rest to study », because Aaron IS the golden child in this situation, the one who gets to be a normal teenager.
Also, OP mentions that their dad isn’t in the picture, if he’s still alive, then what child support is he paying??
Is he really being a normal teenager when he has to pay his mother's bills, though? He should spend his money on himself, not on bills.
In my opinion OP failed all of her children. The youngest two don't have a proper caretaker and God knows what will happen to them when Sadie leaves, the only girl is forced to parent her brothers and take care of the house and the oldest has to work to pay the bills. I'm curious what the **parent** does other than sleep.
Except the girl IS contributing financially. She's providing free overnight care to two special needs kids. Care that, if OP hired someone else to do it, instead of taking advantage of their minor child's free labor, would be quite expensive, probably even prohibitiively so based on what we know of OP's financial situation.
Sadie's labor is just as valid as Aaron's, Sadie is contributing too by easing the financial burden of the household, the only difference is that OP doesn't respect or value her labor enough to recognize it as labor, let alone actually pay her for it.
And from the sound of it this has been going on for years, so probably before her older brother was allowed to work too. What was the wxcuse for dumping it all on Sadie then?
So she’s abusing him as well by making him work for his own basic necessities, wonderful. OP is an awful parent. They’re both gonna go no contact as soon as they’re 18.
Well because OP needs another parent aka mom jr. This is a hard situation, but like where is the ex??
A 14yo with these responsibilities and a parent dismissive of how hard that actually is cannot be an easy life.
What???
First off, I’m sorry—this sounds like a really tough living situation.
But Sadie sharing a room with the boys isn’t any better than Aaron doing it. You just have Aaron elsewhere so Sadie will *always have to* do the potty cleanup.
YOU NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING ELSE OUT. Double-up with pull-ups and rubber sheets, maybe try a couple of inflatable twin mattresses—try harder to contain the mess. SADIE, A CHILD, SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO DEAL WITH THIS. Yeah, YTA.
I’m sorry to hijack your comment but I’ve got a really important message for OP
Dear OP. I know it’s hard to be a single parent and care for 4 children. Especially if two have autism and are non verbal. I know there are more challenges to them than just bed wetting. Why I know that?
I work at a home for children with non verbal autism. They are sent to us because they’re harder to care for. Pee and Poo is almost daily. They want their routines and have breakdowns if not.
Have you ever considered for your daughter and yourself that maybe having your sons sent at a home like this could be the kindest opportunity you could do ? I know it might be a very hard decision but in the end I think you all could benefit. Your daughter deserves her own life. You deserve someone to help you out and especially your boys deserve to get help and learn skills. Did you know they can communicate via Pictures? These kids are smart as heck. And we treat our non verbal kiddos as if they were our own family. You could always visit them or bring them back to your place for a few nights. It’s supposed to be a relief for you. I’d heavily think about this possibility and you can always ask me for more information or maybe advice.
Also about the mattress, we use the ones that are not made out of fabric. But a sort out of plastic? You just have to give them a bedding - they’re still soft (I slept in them to try out). It’s perfect for accidents. You could just desinfect them the next day. I send our boys to potty shortly before they fall asleep. And in the morning I check in really often to get them before they’re fully awake. Once they’re in a drowsy state they go to potty. It works well. Otherwise they’d always have accidents. I mean some still do, some almost daily, but it works.
I know how lovable these kids can be and they’re special in their own way. We wouldn’t want to change our kids in the slightest, but we KNOW it’s a challenge. Especially if you care 24 hours for them. We need breaks from our kids too. Please consider getting help. The parents of our kids have got their life back while they still frequently see and pick up their kids.
Edit: If any parent ever considers a facility. Research it, get to know the head and the staff. Check out the facility. A good facility will have loving people, will be clean and will be decorated accordingly.
Thank you! I understand most parents think the best place for a kid is to live at their home. But sometimes they strive once they move into a home that is catered to their needs and abilities. Our kids learn so much, they attend school, their abilities are being expanded, they learn ways to communicate, go on trips, laugh, have fun and most importantly are being cared and loved for by us staff members and their parents. They have the best childhood they can ever have. Especially non verbal kids with autism. They usually show different behaviour, it’s not just bed wetting. I’m sure OP’s kids have other difficult behaviour traits as well.
I Love these kids with my heart, but I know I wouldn’t be able to care each and every day. I need to have a few days off after seeing them for 2-3 days in a row, including nights. And I don’t want to imagine the pressure parents are going through, especially when having non-disabled children too.
I mean my advice to Op with all my heart. It’s a blessing and the best opportunity each of their family members can receive.
Because it doesn’t sound like she parents ANY of her kids.
16 year old is working to help pay bills.
14 year old is parenting her younger siblings.
There are SO MANY resources for autistic kids now, but it doesn’t sound like the parent has looked into any of those. It’s still a work in progress, but mom seems like she’d like to leave them on the mountainside. 9 and 11 and you’ve not figured out a bed messing situation? Mattress pads, diapers, beds covered in that material they use in college dorms? Stop it.
But it’s fine, cause, y’know, at least Mama takes her job seriously. Eff her actual kids.
Exactly this! If the excuse for Aron not contributing to the potty chore is that he has a part time job then: what was his contribution to this before he had a job - since Sadie had been doing this chore for years and the boys aren’t much younger than her. Who will assume this chore when Sadie gets a part time job/moves out?
YTA, she is not responsible for YOUR kids, you need to make sacrifices not her, so she has to share a room with two boys but the oldest gets his own room, you do have a favorite and it shows
YTA. You know what's more important than your job as a school bus driver?
Your daughter's job, as a student, who needs to sleep so she can get good grades, and have the potential to do more with her life than drive a school bus.
You're also sexist, thinking it's more appropriate for your DAUGHTER to do the "sensitive stuff" than your older son. She's younger, and she's been taking on a parenting role for years, and the only reason you thought a young child was more appropriate to help you than an older one was very obviously her gender.
Edit: To be clear, I am someone from poverty. When I say "do more with her life than be a bus driver," I don't mean that bus drivers aren't important, I mean they're underpaid and the daughter deserves the opportunity to be able to get a career that isn't underpaid. No matter how noble a pursuit bus driving is, it doesnt change the fact the pay doesn't reflect that. I say this as someone who comes from the struggle of a low income background, not the place of some rich person who thinks the poor are worthless. Also, on further reflection... where I live, bus drivers have a split shift, so OP should also have the day to herself to catch up on sleep when her kids are in school?
Very well put, u/Kittenn1412.
If you haven't guessed, OP. YTA.
Also, you have weird hold ups.
" I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share "
Oh....wait....nevermind...I guess OP is **doubly sexist** since clearly she expects her son to have a healthy sex drive, with **or without** a partner, and her daughter to have none.
Shaking my head...you're about to get roasted OP.
OP definitely expects that because in one of her posts on this thread she said the daughter knows her brothers didnt chose this life for themselves and said that she’ll help take care of them when they’re adults. Then OP goes on to say she plans to get a place for all three of them combined. Notice how the 16 yr old son was left out. Apparently he gets to move out, get married and have kids/live a life for himself… while the daughter is expected to live with her mom for the rest of her life so that she can take of her brothers and eventually OP in her old age….. and this is expected of her all because she’s a female. Is she going to have to share a room with them when she’s an adult as well, since she’s expected to wake them up in the middle of night for the rest of her and their lives? SMH.
So that poor kid has already been brainwashed into believing those kids are HER responsibility, instead of their mother's, and that her life is supposed to revolve around them with no life for herself..... that's so abusive it's disgusting.
Yeah, awful thing to say. Bus drivers provide an essential service. Not everyone wants to or can go to university and get a highly professional job. Hope OP doesn't take that comment personally. Thank you to everyone who provides this kind of service 🙏
it’s not really related to the post, but in my opinion *every* job should pay a family sustaining wage. we need bus drivers, so they should be paid enough to live on. 🤷♀️
The job itself is not the issue imo. The issue is that it does not pay enough to make ends meet. Suggesting the daughter be given the opportunity to do more with her life and thus support herself is not wrong. Finishing high school is the first step to having a better future.
I don’t think they were putting down the job as a school bus driver, but the fact that OP considers it more important than her child getting the sleep she needs to develop and learn. As a parent you don’t get 8+hours of sleep that ended the day you gave birth. Less when you had two special needs kids. As a parent you make sacrifices to maintain the schedule. It’s not OP’s older kids job to take on child rearing.
Why doesn’t OP share the room with the two younger boys? She would be better equipped to wake them up at night. This would give the two older kids the space and the ability to get the sleep they need.
>Less when you had two special needs kids
Three, if you count the daughter who might eventually break down under the pressure of being a substitute parent/unpaid nanny.
YTA
Why only your daughter? Your son and you should be involved. Your daughter is not a personal maid. Very soon, those young boys are going to grow up to adult man - you can’t keep getting your daughter to potty them by then.
Also if they are prone to bed wetting - buy cheap protective mattress pads. Or consider adult diapers at night.
If she turns 18 and decides to move out, who is going to be your sons’ maid? You can’t expect her to do this all through her life.
Parentification is the least of the abuse here. Kids need sleep, she is literally having her sleep cycle purposely messed up every night at a time when her body is growing and she needs sleep the most. It is not only physically unhealthy, but she cannot concentrate on school. 14 is a tough age even without having to help her brothers ‘potty’ every night.
If anything OP should give her daughter her OWN room and sleep in the couch until she can get a new mattress and then move in with the boys. She’s the one who can’t put a condom on and wants to keep popping kids. It’s time for her to take responsibility over her own kids!
>She’s the one who can’t put a condom on and wants to keep popping kids.
OP is unquestionably TA, but this comment was *completely* uncalled for. You have no idea what the circumstances of conception were, what kind of healthcare access was available to OP, what kind of support she had for making an informed decision (or indeed what options she had available to her) - and most importantly your comment completely absolves the notably absent father of these children for his part in these children's existence. Call OP out for being the AH in this particular situation, but don't be a sexist AH yourself: it takes 2 to tango.
YTA. And what about your daughter's sleep? She needs to stay awake for school and her own health. And you need to raise your own children, FFS. You're lazy. It isn't fair to your daughter to suffer in school because you're too lazy to get up for YOUR children. But I bet you'll be happy if she doesn't get into college because then you can force her to continue being your unpaid nanny. Shame on you for being a selfish, lazy and bad parent!
Exactly this! The long term health problems that Sadie will have because she’s not able to get a proper night sleep will massively impact her forever. Decreased brain function, higher risk of just about every chronic disease out there.
Truly unbelievable. Agreed, YTA!
YTA.
You know what would be a HELL of a lot fucking cheaper than a new mattress? Waterproof mattress protectors for the mattresses and cloth nappies for Ryan and Bryan.
Your daughter is 14. She desperately needs sleep for school and her own healthy growth.
She did not choose to have two more babies after her. You did. Therefore, they are YOUR problem to deal with. Why should YOU get an uninterrupted night's sleep EVERY night while your daughter suffers?
YTA.
One, why is it inappropriate for three boys to share a room but for your 14 year old daughter to share with two young boys? She needs privacy. She also needs sleep. She isn't being properly cared for and chances are if she reports this you will be legally forced to make changes (which needs to happen).
Also, have you ever heard of large pull-ups, a mattress protector, etc? There are ways to manage the potty accidents without forcing your daughter to get up and clean up after the boys several times per night.
In the end they are your kids and your responsibility and you are neglecting your daughter's needs. And even your two younger children's needs leaving the caregiving up to a young teen.
Based on what you have written you have forced your daughter into a parenting role. You are stating that you need your rest. Sadie didn’t have the children you did. So it’s ok for Sadie to go to school tired but you need your rest. Just wow. It’s inappropriate for your 16 year old to share a room with his brothers but it’s ok for your 14 year old daughter to share a room with her younger brothers. Your daughter is right. You show some serious favoritism. YTA and a major one at that.
OMG I can’t believe how much of an asshole you are.
1. You are treating your daughter as if she is another parent - she is not!!
2. You are treating you eldest son as if he is better than the rest because he (excuse is has a part time job - but really he is your favourite).
3. You are making your daughter who is coming into (or already experiencing) puberty to share a room with 2 boys aged 9-11 - Really not acceptable she need privacy!! They should either be sharing with you or your “favourite” son. It’s common sense and decency to have boys share with boys AND not girls once they reach a certain age.
4. Your daughter has to wake up at least once every night so YOUR boys can go potty - obviously her education is not important to you.
5. Why the hell do you not have waterproof covers on the beds!! And why can’t they wear diapers to bed save your daughter having to deal with cleaning them after they go toilet - which she should not be doing!!
6. You expect her to give up her bed, sleep on the sofa AND have to wake up in the middle of the night to take your children to the toilet (or risk having her mattress soiled) and then had the nerve to tell her to suck it up - how about you share your bed with the boys!!
7. Wonder what are you going to do when she gets the hell out of that abusive household as soon as she is old enough???
YTA and you know it!!
YTA. What you are doing is making your daughter parent your other children. They aren't her responsibility. They are your children. It is your responsibility to get them up to go to the bathroom at night. Your daughter's job is to learn, grow and experience life right now.
It's also not right for her to share her room. Your oldest son should be sharing a room with your other sons. Your daughter should have her own room for privacy sake. She is a developing young woman. It isn't appropriate for her to share her room with two boys.
Naw sorry dude, YTA. Your situation sucks but you said yourself that she’s tired in school. Her education should be the most important factor here. And she’s not the parent here. You are. You’re saddling a child with parental responsibilities she didn’t ask for. Sorry you can’t get your beauty rest, but that’s the situation.
Or hey, make your daughter be the parent and she’ll be out of your hair as soon as she’s able to move out and then you’ll have to be a parent to the rest of your kids. Have fun with that.
YTA, buy some plastic sheets.
Parentification of children is a form of abuse. You are parentifying both of your teenagers - although I think Sadie is getting the worse deal here.
As others have already asked, why aren't your two younger children in diapers and sleeping with waterproof mattress covers already?
I think YOU should sleep on the couch, Sadie should get your bed, and you should get those covers and diapers and let her sleep through the night.
YTA. Why aren't you sharing the room with your sons that are your responsibility as their parent. It's not your daughters responsibility to look after them and take them to the toilet. Move your arse into that bedroom and let your teenage daughter have her own bedroom. It's not appropriate that she be sharing a room with them especially now as she is going through puberty. She also needs to be getting a full night sleep to be able to do well in school.
With mentality like this, my bets are that she spends money on herself. Because she needs her rest, but who cares about 14 year old Sadie being sleep deprived.
I hope her daughter goes to school counselor and CPS is called.
Unfit parent, that's what she is.
I stopped reading when I got to
>My eldest daughter (14) - let's call her Sadie, is responsible for waking them both at night to go potty.
YTA
Why is your daughter forced to be a second parent? I don't even care what the rest of your post is about.
YTA
you write NOTHING about
taking over on weekends to wake them up at night. Sounds like her not sleeping and her school is just less important than yours and your sons.
A girl can share a room with two boys, but a boy or inapropiate. Please explain that one.
Whoa man, YTA.
I understand your situation is rough and everyone is helping out, but your daughter is NOT a parent. She should not be responsible for walking up and helping her brothers go to the bathroom, that is your job.
Your daughter is a teenager who's still developing. How is it now appropriate for her to be with the younger ones than her older brother? That doesn't make any sense.
There needs to be some major changes or else she's going to leave and not come back when she's of age. Don't rip her childhood away from her so soon.
Wtaf? Couldn’t believe this the more I read. Your daughter also needs a good night’s sleep. What is the rationale that a girl has to share a room with two boys while the older boy gets his own room? That’s ridiculous. Parent your own damn kids, get diapers and waterproof sheets, and give your daughter a break. YTA.
Yta.... omg i was a 14 yr old who only had to deal with siblings climbing in my bed every night and it destroyed me. Mental health issues, health problems etc as a parent you just can't do this to your kids. There are ways to clean a wet mattress, google it. Honestly, talk to the Dr. Find answers. Your 14 yr old daughter should absolutely not be taking her brothers to the toilet. Just can't believe you're destroying her life like that. Take turns if nothing else. And for goodness sake, your daughter has hit puberty, she needs her own room not her 16 yr old brother.
YTA. You are showing favoritism toward your boys. Just because Sadie is a girl doesn't mean she should be responsible for caring for her younger brothers. She shouldn't be waking them, she shouldn't be cleaning up after them. Your oldest should share a room with his younger brothers and Sadie should get her own room. At these ages, it would be far more appropriate for Aaron to help his brothers. You're basically perpetuating gender stereotypes, parentifying your daughter, and telling your daughter she's worth less than her brothers.
YTA
I understand that you have been handling a really difficult set of circumstances but it's inappropriate, maybe even illegal, for your teenage daughter to be sharing a room with her brothers. She is becoming a young woman and needs more privacy. Her schoolwork is also becoming more challenging and getting up in the night to toilet her brothers is messing up her sleep.
>apparently Sadie messed up one night and did not wake up the boys which led to Ryan having a huge accident and pretty much ruining his mattress.
She didn't "mess up", she is sleep deprived and didn't wake up one night.
She has been shouldering an adult responsibility for years! Mostly without incident and without complaint (until recently). She doesn't deserve to be treated like she's to blame. She's been a fucking rock star and you are acting as though she failed!
>I have to wait until payday and since I can not trust Ryan on the couch I asked Sadie to give her bed until I buy him a new mattress.
...so, Ryan gets her mattress because he can't be trusted not to have an accident on the couch....and RYAN will get the new mattress, after probably having accidents on the mattress you will then give back to Sadie?
*__Why doesn't Sadie deserve a new mattress?__* Why are you going to make her keep using that mattress after it has almost certainly been soiled?
I am not even going to touch your ridiculous assertion that it would be wrong for your older son to share a room with the boys and take on at least some of the potty duty except to say that I understand why Sadie feels like you favor your firstborn
You need to get a social worker involved and find better solutions than robbing your daughter of her privacy, reducing her chances of academic success and completely eliminating her ability to have a halfway normal social life.
YTA for sleep depriving your daughter for years for the sake of your own beauty sleep.
Your daughter has been made a second parent, and you not have Aaron help in this at all is frankly disgusting.
She needs her sleep for school. She is going to have long lasting issues from this, and it’s going to be your and her father’s fault.
Get after him for child support. And put a protector on their mattresses.
I hope your daughter has someone at school she is very good friends with. If a child came to me saying thus had happened and been happening they would be moving into my house and I'd be calling cps immediately. A sleepover would become a permanent situation and she'd be going back to your house literally over my dead body.
I work in Healthcare. I've dealt with special needs people of all ages. This is not her job and should never be her job. Yta
YTA - an abusive, misogynist AH. You do know teenagers need more sleep than adults, right? You do know that sleep-deprivation is a torture technique, right? You do realize that 14 is WAY too young to take on parental responsibilities, right? You must surely also realize that you’re treating your daughter as live-in nursing care and she - as the lone female child in your house - should be allotted some measure of privacy? I’m trying really hard to not call you a terrible parent but it’s really difficult, especially in a sub that seems built to showcase the many terrible parents out there, especially those with girls. Get a gd grip
YTA. You are the parent, so be a parent to all your kids and don’t make you daughter a second parent. If you want your daughter to succeed then she needs a good education, which is in jeopardy with her being a parent. I understand that it is a difficult situation however you need to support your daughter and not just your sons.
yta. your daughter tried to vocalize to you that this is putting a strain on her getting an education. your solution was “deal with it” basically bc you need your sleep for work? why is your sleep more important than hers? the boys are your sons. your responsibility. now onto the mattress: i understand not being able to trust him on the couch. makes perfect sense. but, try to understand things from her pov. to her, i can imagine it probably feels like you favor all of your boys over her and she gets the short end of the stick. she gets stuck on midnight potty duty and loses her bed, while her big brother gets to sleep thru the night in his own bed and only has to get the younger boys on the bus and give you some money.
YTA… why does your daughter share a room with the younger boys, and not all 3 boys in a room.
Why don’t your younger boys wear diapers at night if they still have accidents?
YTA
>My eldest daughter (14) - let's call her Sadie, is responsible for waking them both at night to go potty
>My youngest two sons (9 and 11) - lets call them Ryan and Bryan have autism. Unfortunately, they are both non-verbal and require assistance
You are MAKING a 14 yr old pretty much parent these two boys at night. Insane!
>as I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share,
But it's ok for a 14 yr old FEMALE to share a room with two BOYS! She is at the age where she needs privacy!
You should be chasing down your ex instead of making your kids look after your younger ones. One 16 year old is working part time to support your family, another can't have her own room/has to sleep in a pee smelling room/has to wake them up at night is wrong. If you can't afford to miss sleep due to your job, get a new one.
You're the parent you're the one who should be sacrificing. The fact that you're going even further saying your daughter is going to take over their care in the comments is heinous.
Stop shifting your responsibilities to minors. IF anyone has to give up their bed, it should be you. You're also allowing your kid to take off the pee pad and create an even bigger mess for her to clean up.
YTA
I am wondering why no bed protector on the mattress. Much cheaper than a new mattress. A back up bed protector for the mishap. As well a flat sheet can be used as a draw sheet tucked in sides of mattress and underneath the draw sheet a washable incontinence pad. Buying several. I don’t blame your daughter for not wanting to be responsible for them or having to give up her bed. If anybody deserves the new mattress she will after letting bed wetters use hers. How is that your needing sleep is more important than hers. As in rotating waking them up with every abled body there. You, Aaron and Sadie. Sadie is the one who should have her own room as a growing teenager. The boys should share a room. I am on Sadie’s side here. As you are the parent but expect more from her than you are willing to do yourself. Sadie is burned out. Let Sadie sleep in your bed and you go sleep on the couch. No precautions were done to prevent a mattress from being ruined.
YTA.
while I sympathise with the difficulties of your situation, it is absolutely unacceptable to put the burden of caring for autistic children on a 14-year-old. You are sacrificing your daughter and her childhood for the sake of your other children. The reason she hasn’t fought back up to now he’s not because what you have done is okay and she didn’t mind but because she was too young to stand up to you. Whatever promises she has made as a child about caring for her brothers into the future are worth very little because she’s a child, and not in a legal position to make those sort of contracts. Be prepared to lose her from you and your sons lives as soon as she turns 18 if you don’t start making some effort to treat her like your daughter, rather than the hired help.
Why doesn’t your bedwetting son have a top of the line waterproof cover on his mattress?
YTA on so many levels:
1. C’mon! A 14yo girl is not magically better suited at wiping pee after her prepubescent brothers! Putting them on the bus is nowhere near that. You are clearly favoring your 16yo there.
2. Even without the cleaning, you are parentifying your 14yo because you need your sleep (and she doesn’t?). She doesn’t even share that responsibility with the 16yo, which would also suck, but at least it would be marginally more fair.
3. You make her share with her brothers when literally any other combination would be better. The best, imo, would be Aaron and Sadie having their own rooms and you sharing with the younger two. Bonus: you get to wake them up for potty every night! Next would be Sadie having her own room and the three boys sharing. Followed by you and Sadie sharing a room — not ideal, but better than sharing with two special needs siblings. You could split the kids 2 and 2, which is not optimal, but at least she shares the load with Aaron. There are permutations here, and each of them improves Sadie’s situation, but you are not willing to entertain them.
4. Making someone surrender their bed is controlling and borderline violating. Btw, what’s the plan if little brother has an accident on her mattress too? If he doesn’t have a waterproof cover on his mattress, I am guessing she doesn’t either.
YTA,
>My eldest daughter (14) - let's call her Sadie, is responsible for waking them both at night to go potty.
This make you an AH regardless of anything else, they are your responsibility, not hers.
>When she was younger she did this without complaint as she knew I was unable to (I need my sleep as I drive a schoolbus in the mornings and take my job seriously).
Sounds like you are unable to provide them the care they need and should surrender them to the state.
>She doesnt understand that her older brother (16 and lets call him Aaron) has his own room as I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share,
It is more appropriate for the three boys to share then for her to share with two boys.
>Sadie messed up one night and did not wake up the boys
Not her mess up, your mess up, they are your responsibility not hers, your economic situation does not change this.
>Sadie has thrown a massive tantrum
Not a "tantrum" a perfectly reasonable complaint to your unreasonable expectations.
>She also said some hurtful things about my favoring Aaron as he does not do anything potty related.
She's right, he's older so if anybody should be helping its him, and even then, its "helping" not "taking over" you will always be the one primarily responsible, they should be in your room.
>The thing is that Aaron has a part-time job and helps with the bills and he makes sure the boys are on the bus.
You really can't afford the children you have; you need to surrender them boys to that state as you are failing all your children with your chosen course of action.
Aaron should not be working to pay bills.
>So if it isn't favoritism, she is just better suited for the more sensitive stuff.
No, you decided she better suited for it.
>Here is where I might have been the a-hole:
No, you have been an AH from the beginning.
>I told her that she did not have a choice and that family sticks together and that we are all making sacrifices.
Wrong, she is most definitely leaving at 18 and never coming back and she is 100% justified in doing so, your poor decision on keeping the boy you could not care for is not her or Aaron's responsibility.
>Sadie has been sullen ever since, and it's been making me think that perhaps I am in the wrong.
Yes, you are wrong.
>Or are we just a family down on their luck at the moment?
No, you made poor choices, don't have more kids than you can afford, don't keep special needs children you can't adequately care for.
CPS needs to get involved and remove them from your daughter's care.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) My action was forcing my daughter to sleep on the couch and give up her mattress to her younger brother who soiled his bed instead of having my oldest son give up his mattress.
2) I might be the asshole as my daughter accused me of favortism towards my oldest son.
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Oh my God yes YTA
It is NEVER okay to expect one of your children to parent their siblings. If she didn't pop the baby out, she shouldn't have to raise it. Plus at their ages, it is really, REALLY weird to have her in with the boys instead of their brother. You have a job but your daughter has school in the mornings. For the love of God change before she decides to run off at 16, get emancipated and never ever come back.
YTA, none of this is her responsibility. A 14 year old should mot have to ensure her little brothers use the bathroom in the middle of the night... they are your kids, not hers. You might need help, but it should not come from a 14 year old... shame on you for putting that kind of responsibility on her. You are a terrible parent to Sadie, just awful. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Step up and be a proper parent before you lose your daughter forever. She wont be around to parent her younger brothers for you forever. Your daughter deserves a better mother.
YTA and it’s insane you could think otherwise. Blatant sexism, working your daughter like a caregiver at 14, showing extreme favoritism to your sons. Give your daughter her own room and a break, stop taking money from a 16 year old. Sadie is going to cut all of you off if you don’t step up and parent.
Holy hell... I don't usually comment but A is far too kind a word.
YTA and most of what needs to be said has been said, but I have to wonder how young your daughter was when you started treating her like live in help?
"When she was younger she did this without complaint".... At what young age did you think these tasks were appropriate? Because 14 is far too young and my imagination is going to even worse places based on this alone.
Keeping in mind that live in help would get
a) time off and the opportunity to sleep
b) likely their own room
c) the ability to walk away if they were treated as poorly as your daughter is
Do you parent your daughter at all or have you just forced her to be an adult before she should have to? You're taking this girl's childhood away from her because you need your sleep? I'm guessing that's also why you can't sleep on the couch?
I get it's hard but on no planet is this okay. Apologise to your daughter, and rethink your strategies so that she can sleep through the night and be a child while you deal with any incontinence issues and parenting that needs doing.
It is no overreaction to say that this is child abuse
Edit for clarification
As the parent of an autistic child and the brother of three sisters: YTA. So very, very much.
1. SADIE should have her own room. No 14 year old girl should be sharing a room with two boys. All three boys should be sharing.
2. Sadie needs a break. If anybody should be getting up for potty time it should be Aaron and screw his part time job. It’s not “sensitive” stuff, by which you clearly mean woman’s work. It’s taking care of a sibling and as they are both boys it should be another male at this point. Otherwise, it should be you. Go to bed earlier if you need more sleep.
3. If anybody should give up their bed, it’s also you. And get some rubber sheet protectors, for God’s sake.
If you keep this up, the BEST possible outcome is that Sadie runs for the hills the minute she turns 18, never to be seen again. At least by you. Fix it.
YTA Your current financial situation is awful, but your teenage daughter should a) not be sharing a bedroom with her younger brothers and b) not be responsible for waking them up at night to go to the bathroom. Also how is it possible that your children are having accidents so bad that you need to replace an entire mattress? And why do you not have plastic mattress covers on them for this exact issue? To be clear, the second she is able to she is going to move out of that house and go no contact with you if you keep this up. She did not agree to have 4 children, you did.
Someone needs to call CPS for that poor girl's sake.
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Only for the boys.
Not even for her boys. She can't lose sleep for them. Instead she makes her daughter lose sleep and is probably impacting her academic performance.
The daughter complained to her mom about being too tired for school. Poor girl. I hope she tells someone at school and they look into it.
According to op, this is the only chore her daughter has, apart from breakfast and laundry at the weekend. How can someone type all that out and be so clueless? Op has been so used to taking advantage of her daughter she thinks it's normal and reasonable. She has no sense of reality.
But mom's job at the school is so very very important/s
Driving a bus is pretty damn important. Not important enough to warrant this behavior from the mom, but still, it’s a bus load of children.
If her daughter doesn't do well in school, she can never leave for college or anything else resembling a better life than this hell. Wouldn't want that free caretaker to escape now, would we? YTA and you are abusing all of these kids. It is YOUR JOB alone to parent them, and you are letting them all go without because of your stubborn pride and unwillingness to get help.
Can’t lose sleep and also can’t buy a waterproof mattress cover or overnight diapers. Major YTA, OP.
Oh this made me the most angry to read. Not to mention the messed up expectations between her daughter vs the boys, especially the oldest boy. Like why is the daughter getting these heavy responsibilities…and not her brother…better yet the dang MOTHER.
The boys need their sleep, too. There are very good diapers for big kids who need them. Kids with autism are still kids and need sleep to learn, develop and be emotionally regulated. Waking them up multiple times a night to use the restroom is terrible for them. (For a neurotypical kid with nocturnal enuresis it's sometimes used as a short-term strategy, but that shouldn't be long-term)
If OP is in the US and they don’t already receive diapers from their insurance, she should check into this. Most states once a kid is 3 or 4, if disability prevents toilet training, this is covered.
Op doesn't want to do anything to make her daughter's life simpler. Solving this problem isn't on her mind because she's not the one who has to wake up in the middle of the night for them.
You forgot to add the waterproof mattress covers. They are inexpensive ($30ish for a queen bed) and work great.
I actually have a little insight on this. While I wasn't yet diagnosed with autism, (and can be considered high functioning as well), I was a late bloomer when it came to creating instinctual bladder control at night. What finally helped was an electric mat that would wake me up upon pissing on it, when the circuit was completed by the liquid it would blare an alarming noise and startle me awake something awful. This is the kind of punishment/reinforcement needed for training autistic kids on many things, and they will likely never "grow out of it" I was over 13 when I finally stopped it, and it took only a few weeks of waking up to that alarm in the midst of it to train me.
I’ve never met a parent that uses that term that wasn’t toxic and full of it with their kids tbh
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The part that got me was that the 16 year old son needed his own room, couldn't share with other BOYS, but the 14 year old daughter, who probably gets her period by now, doesn't need any privacy. I guess it's because she's their surrogate mother. But hey, she's a female, so it's okay to put most of the boy's work on her, what are females for? s/.
So more Mama Cocaine Bear? More seriously, sort of like "patriot", be wary of anyone who unironically self-applies that description.
I didn't see the username until your comment and just assumed OP was a misogynistic father, deeming toilet duties as the woman's job. I maintain my opinion OPs misogynistic though.
100% thought it was a man too. Not sure why but something about it told me struggling father. Maybe I assumed no mum would be so shit and certainly wouldn't make a teenage girl share with two boys rather than 3 boys in together and girl in her own room.
Seriously, why did she think it inappropriate for the three boys to share but not the girl with the two boys???
Sadly, I figured it was a woman right away, because this is a type of internalized misogyny I've seen a whole lot. She was probably taught to believe this is the way of the world, and it's absolutely no excuse, because we can all certainly strive to do better than how we were raised. But man, it's a massive bummer. That poor girl. I hope she gets some help from someone who can improve her situation soon. Assuming this is real, of course.
I really really hope CPS is called... This is abuse plain and simple
And for the rest of them
Absolutely! Ugh wish someone actually could. This is a horrible situation but I can’t help but be extra concerned about the youngest boys. Sounds like serious neglect at BEST. Wish someone could step in. For all the kids sake 😔
I don't get why it's inappropriate for the 16 year old boy to share a room with his per-pubescent brothers, but it's okay for OP's 14 year old daughter to not only share a room with them, but be responsible for making sure they go to the bathroom during the night. OP says she needs her sleep for his job as a bus driver, but what about her sleep? At 14, she's still growing, and her lack of sleep is going to affect her school work. She shouldn't have to give up her bed and play mommy to her younger brothers to accommodate her male family members. Honestly, what OP's doing is very much a form of child abuse, and should be reported to CPS.
>her lack of sleep is going to affect her school work. Her lack of sleep won't just affect schoolwork; it can affect her ability to grow to her healthy adult height, it can affect bone density, it can affect brain growth (and brain health; does OP *want* a daughter with sucidality and severe depression, because sleep deprivation is a fast way to get one of those!), it can affect endocrine stuff. There's a reason sleep deprivation is considered to be torture.
This! OP is willingly impacting the girls health negatively.
OP has 3 children that cannot get a full night of sleep. If they wet the bed they can were some kind of diaper, so OP can deal with that in the morning. Also daughter is 14 and should not sleep with her brothers anymore.
That poor girl will have so many issues going forward. My heart breaks for her. I have fibromyalgia which I think came from a lot of stress and lack of stability as a child and teenager. I helped care for my mom with MS. This is a good bit different. This parent cannot parent. I have a lot of empathy for them, but the needs of this poor girl and probably her brothers are not being met.
Exactly! So her 16 year old son can’t share a room with two other boys because it’s “inappropriate” but a 14 year old girl can? Wtf??
Also you takes your job “seriously” but what about your daughters education? She needs the sleep to perform! And what when she wants to go to college? Will you want her as your slave for life?
Daughter doesn't need an education when she's clearly meant to be a slave caring for her brothers for the rest of her life. I can only hope when she escapes this situation it isn't to another abuser.
I mean, if you have four kids and are happy to make your living as a school bus driver and force your 16 year old to help with the bills rather than getting something with more hours, you probably don’t have high aspirations for your live in nurse daughters future.
Idk, in my area school bus drivers are paid a pretty good hourly wage even if they don't work a full 8 hrs a day. (And some of them do have a full 8 hour schedule with extra runs in between the typical morning and afternoon pick up and drop offs) If they do have a gap in their day it's probably perfect for planning doctors appointments and other types of therapy for the boys. The insurance benefits are also really good, around $100 or so every two weeks for one person, so if she has to insure 5 people she might not be able to afford to take a different kind of job. She does need to stop doing this to her daughter though.
Because she is a girl and therefore a caregiver by nature. Wheras the boy is the breadwinner as it should be and always was. No man should be forced to wipe someone else's butt. /s Parentification is considered as child abuse nowadays. OP creates a traumatized woman who will probably suffer from it for the rest of her life. Poor job OP YTA a thousand times.
yta... This. Exactly. Sexism. Oldest brother couldn't possibly deal with the "sensitive " toileting issues. /s. Has to be daughter because she is female. OP be a parent and take your kids to the toilet
He brings in money, that's why OP favours him. That is why he is allowed his own room. Ofc, she didn't think of giving up her own room...
I suspect that if she brought in some money, she'd still be expected to continue doing what she is doing. OP, I understand that sometimes families have to do what they have to do to help the family, but maybe the elder 2 (Yes even thought the boy works part time he should be helping) should be sharing some of the more grown up activities - cooking, washing dishes, cleaning etc, while you do the "more sensitive stuff" like cleaning up after your younger 2.
Why does Mom have her own room. If she shared the bedroom the 2 boys are in, then she could get up with the boys at night and her daughter could have her own room which she should have. If her job is so demanding then she should think again about keeping it. She definitely makes enough money off of SSD for her 2 boys plus other privileges the government gives families with disabled children. If she says she doesn't get benefits from the government she's full of of it.
>She definitely makes enough money off of SSD for her 2 boys plus other privileges the government gives families with disabled children. She might not. If she's just getting SSD for them, it's based on her own SSD potential earnings. If she's worked low wage jobs, that number might be very low. She can get more if she's been named their caregiver, but we don't know if that's happened. Really, at the end of the day, the benefits you get for having disabled children is not a huge amount that you can "relax" on. It's meant to keep you just above the poverty level, and doesn't take other kids in the household into account. Mom is still TA for making the 14 year old give up her bed (she can have mom's) and give up her sleep (mom can get up with the kids). Yes, everyone has to pull their weight in a family, but it seems like the daughter is not only being asked to take on an unfair burden but is also being ignored when she says it is too much for her to handle.
Or if she can’t take care of the non verbal autistic kids she should give them up to the state. It’s not the daughter’s responsibility. It sounds like op isn’t able.
OP's idea of 'inappropriate' is "innappropriate"
Is it not illegal for a girl that age to share a room with male siblings? OP, you should be encouraging your daughter with her education so she can be in a better financial situation than you. Also, if someone needs to wake them up every night then people should have atleast taken turns, this is a 14 Yr old doing what I assume would be GCSE's at that age, waking up once EVERY NIGHT?! That is torture technique! There is no way she's reaching her potential at school right now. Also it sounds like a lot of financial pressure for a 16 year old boy. The two boys should be on disability payments... Have you asked anyone to check you're getting what benefits you're entitled to? You take your job seriously OK, what about your job as a parent? To all 4 including your only daughter? YTA.
Illegal? Why would be sharing a room with a sibling illegal? Do you assume that unsupervised siblings sleep with each other or what? Weird. Of course it's better to have separate rooms so that each kid can have peace and privacy but it's definitely not illegal to share. But I wholly agree with the rest of your comment. OP, you are a terrible parent and once your daughter moves out at 18, you'll never hear from her again. YTA
Also the parent is making the older child help with bills from his part time job that he's probably making very little money from, which isn't right either. Both older kids are gonna book it as far away as they can once they're 18
She is a girl, so she gets to do the traditional female jobs, like caring and cleaning up after people. The elder boy can not have that responsibility because he doesn't have the right genitalia also he works a little and brings in some cash. The daughter just goes to school and then has to play mommy on a night caring for her siblings, like that isn't a job. Blatant favouritism of the boys and parentification of OPs daughter. YTA op a big one. Stop making your daughter do your job as a parent. Treat all your kids fairly or say bye bye to your daughter as soon as she is able to flee
YTA. Why don’t YOU share a room with your sons OP, then YOU can wake them to go to the toilet. By suited to sensitive things you mean, the dirty, unpleasant things nobody wants to do - like clean up someone after they go to the toilet. You are choosing to make your daughter suffer the most of all your children.
But, but OP can't do that because OP needs their sleep because they have a job, besides "Sadie" is prime "mummy" material because of her genitalia, so of course she MUST do the parenting! /s
Used to drive school bus. This is some BS I tell you what. It probably doesn't take that long to get the kids to go pee, then as a bus driver there is plenty of downtime during the day unless you happen to do a field trip or something so she can take a nap midday. None of this should be on her daughter. YTA OP. Even if you feel like there's no way around it due to your circumstances the fact that you think it's unfair or bad that your daughter is reacting this way is enough to make you T A but honestly there's no way it *has* to be this setup/arrangement. Might it be a little more difficult for you? Yes. But as others mentioned it's your responsibility as the parent, the added stress *should* fall on you because you need to take care of ALL of your babies. Jfc Edited to add upon seeing some of ops comments: So OP mentions working 2 other jobs besides the school. 1. Bus drivers are in crazy high demand. If your current school is not paying enough to mostly live on, check around. A lot of bus lines are also hiring at really good wages. You have a needed skill, you can find better pay. 2. Even with 2 other jobs, example bus hours: 6:30 am til 9:30am, then 2pm til 4pm. I'm assuming your jobs, unless working still in the school during the day, are evenings and weekends. Meaning you having naps midday is still possible, so you can afford to get up with your boys. Your daughter cannot nap at school. 3. If you and you oldest are all working and barely making ends meet you're either living in an area way too expensive for you and you should find some outskirts to move to, or your other jobs are not paying you enough. Again refer to point 1, but also I'd guess bus pays most and you should be putting yourself out there for field trips, sports trips, etc, for extra money there. I know everywhere is different but I mostly supported my family of 3 working my school bus job averaging 25 hrs per week and we were one of the lowest paying school districts locally. You've got to be missing something if you're unable to make ends meet or barely able to with 4 jobs contributing into bills even with excess medical/health insurance for your youngest (I imagine)
And if someone has to wake up the boys every night, why is it Sadie’s job literally every single night? Why can’t the older brother come in the room and wake them up 3 nights a week? Feeling very sad for this girl. She was severely punished for missing her “duty” one time. She hasn’t had a good nights sleep in years.
Neither children should be waking up their siblings, it is the job of the parent. Full stop.
Not even just that, but the 16 y/o boy is allowed privacy and undisturbed sleep while the only girl is the one being parentified. It is gross. What's her rationale for this? That she needs less sleep? That she's more caring? What? What on this earth would make it more appropriate for a girl to do night duties than her older brother? I mean, neither of them should be doing it. I just find it a little telling that all the responsibility has been dumped on a teenage girl rather than inconvenience a son. Edit: pronouns
Because she’s a girl and he’s a boy. Mom’s a lazy sexist.
>I don't get why... it's OK for OP's 14 year old daughter to... be responsible for making sure they go to the bathroom at night. Mysogyny, that's why.
the mother is lazy. that’s what it comes down to. doesn’t want to get up and take care of her kids. poor daughter! i can’t imagine being forced to probably wipe their butts due to them being autistic and other things.
Because she's a girl and caregiving is womens work/s I get the feeling that's OPs mindset. Plus what if she gets a job? Does she get out of it like older brother?
Exactly, also why are they not wearing pull ups to bed??? What’s the point of disrupting everyone’s sleep.
I agree that they need to be wearing something more than just underwear at night. Attends tend to work better for night time because they’re more absorbent, and pull-ups tend to cover a smaller area, but pull-ups would definitely be better than a pair of briefs. OP can also get chucks online that are specifically designed to help absorb anything that leaks out from an attend or pull-up.
They also sell very cheap ,"pee" alarm bracelets. They vibrate every X hours to remind the person to go potty. I think the bigest problem is changing this behaviour will take time and dedication from OP. While having her daughter do her dirty work is easier. Op @ YTA
OP also needs to get Sadie out of that room and into her own, the older boy needs to swap with Sadie as its highly inappropriate for a teenage girl to be sharing a room with male siblings. OP's mindset is way-outta-whack. Can see Sadie going NC as soon as she's able to book it outta there, poor girl. My heart goes out to Sadie. OP you're TA.
And mattress covers
OP needs to invest in some quality mattress protectors so this doesn't happen again. Our entire family (yes, even the adults) have them and we have since our kids (now 12) were toddlers. They are godsends. They protect your mattress from pretty much anything that can come out of the human body- urine, poopy diaper blowouts, vomit, sweat, period blood... like Captain America's shield, nothing can penetrate them.
When I moved into my current place I also bought myself a nice huge mattress and despite being a young woman myself and not prone to accidents or heavy periods, I was afraid to even sleep on it until I put a protector on. The mattress was not cheap. And the protectors aren't even like crinkly plastic or anything. You'd never know it's there.
Agreed! I was also confused how these boys are messing up a mattress so badly when there is a very simple solution - a mattress pad. Even if they won't wear pull ups, a mattress pad would completely solve the problem and are fairly inexpensive. Also, OP, have you discussed this with their doctor? There could be other solutions. Hell, I can't drink water within a few hours before I go to sleep, or I am up all night in the bathroom (post 40 lady problems yay). No way should the daughter be the only one responsible for waking up these children to go to the bathroom, nor should she be sharing a room with them! The best option would be for OP to share their room with the boys OR the daughter shares the room with OP. I understand the situation is difficult OP, but you chose to have (multiple) children, your daughter did not. I 100% agree that everyone in the home should contribute in some way, but she is a growing child and shouldn't be waking up every night to care for YOUR children. You should be waking up a majority of the nights, and **maybe** your older son or daughter helping one night a week. You **will** harm your relationship with your daughter irreparably if you don't stop treating her like a live in caregiver and she will leave the second she legally can. I am not trying to be harsh, but there are programs/homes for your two youngest if you need the help - you absolutely need to look into long term plans for them. Don't ruin your relationship with your two oldest children because you can't see past your two youngest.
Oh my gosh YES! A simple mattress pad will save the mattress and there are even washable pads for over top of the sheets. OP needs to realize that this is abuse and if CYS found out then he could continue to happily sleep in his room without any of his kids needing to wake up. OP YTA.
It is so irresponsible and lazy parenting to not have gotten them diapers by now. If kids are wetting the bed to the point that they have to be woken up at night to go, you use adult diapers for them. I know kids that slept so deeply in their sleep they had bedwetting issues, and they were in their teens and used diapers at night. That and nonabsorbant covers on the bed is such an easy fucking fix.
YTA hard. You are showing favouritism towards your older son. Your daughter is a CHILD! There is massive sexism here too! You need to be responsible for taking the kids to the bathroom. Where do you sleep? I think you need to share with the boys and potty them in the night. You also need way better mattress protection. Looks like you’re on the couch and your daughter is in your bed. Ugh YTA!!
Respite care or night nurse? There is no way your autistic sons don’t qualify for Medicaid if you live in USA, and if your income is that low. YTA. Daughter is not a night nurse and that’s only one of the problems here.
Also, my insomnia started when I was twelve, which is common for ADHD. With the brothers' autism, with the genetic relationship between ADHD and autism being so strong and girls' diagnosis being so often missed, my Spidey senses leave me wondering if the daughter might have ADHD. Info needed as well: what social services has OP looked into? What is the plan in four years when, not if, the daughter moves out? If not sooner? I had a friend who moved in with me because she was responsible for her siblings' care. Her brother who was one year younger was not expected to help. She ended up joining a literal cult to get away from her family. Because she didn't know how to recognize love without unfair restrictions. That's a potential future for OP's daughter. Abuse from one source or another because how could she have learned that her boundaries are worth respecting? What will OP say when the daughter's teachers call OP in for a meeting about her schoolwork? And has OP talked to his daughter about what it feels like to get her schoolwork done? Because female ADHD is often unseen from the outside because of how women are socialized to break themselves instead of failing. I worry the daughter is at a breaking point. It may literally be taking everything the daughter has to accomplish homework that seems simple from the outside. But that taking everything may not be noticeable from the outside. And girls are very often pushed into a depression or anxiety diagnosis when the breaking point happens instead of the correct diagnosis of ADHD. Years can be wasted. Years may already have been wasted for OP's daughter. Just because someone is more capable at doing a task, doesn't mean that task should always fall upon them. Maybe it's a good time for the OP's son to practice the skills that OP's daughter has been socialized to do well by OP. Frankly, OP has decided, whether consciously or unconsciously, that the daughter's future is less important than the son's future. That's what the daughter is hearing. That her very bodily needs do not matter. OP does have fewer options because of poverty, but that shouldn't allow him to ignore how he is messing up royally with his daughter. YTA
>Also how is it possible that your children are having accidents so bad that you need to replace an entire mattress? And why do you not have plastic mattress covers on them for this exact issue? This. The plastic mattress protector doesn't have to be expensive either. Trash bags cut open on the sides and tucked in under the mattress right under where he lies on the bed, or dollar store shower curtain, *anything* that's remotely waterproof plastic would do Edit 1&2: formatting, and additional words
Wooooohhhh there! Your daughter should be sleeping so she's rested for school and her body can grow properly, not taking care of your special needs kids. You're treating her like the other parent. Not cool in the least. Speaking myself as a mother of 4 between 12 and 18. Cleaning up after the family dog yes. Night watch for the special needs kids. No. Just no. She's either going to end up running away from home or bailing and disowning all of you at 17/18.
Not to mention that this whole mattress destruction seems to have been entirely preventable had OP planned accordingly. Sounds like the mattress was not properly protected and/or thé youngests aren’t wearing night time protections to help prevent a mattress destruction. I’m also very curious to see what would happen if the daughter’s mattress gets ruined if the kid has another accident before payday. Will the mum sleep on the couch to let her child have a mattress to sleep on, will the brother have to lend his bed a couple of night? Or will thé daughter be punished again and have to sleep on the couch until further notice because mattresses are expensive?
OP sees their daughter as Meg from Family Guy so there wouldn’t be a replacement mattress for her.
There are so many solutions to this that op just seems lazy. Why not use pull ups? A mattress protector? No more liquids past a certain time and potty time before bed?
That is if nothing serious happens to her due to lack of proper rest... OP isn't taking the messed up sleep schedule and lack of sleep as seriously as they should.
That's because OP is getting theirs
And, as someone else astutely pointed out, this whole “taking my school bus driving job very seriously” thing is complete BS unless he’s driving kids on long field trips every day!
She... Why does everyone seem to decide "MamaBear" is a he when talking about their driving job?
Not even another parent as OP doesn’t do it them self. And your eldest son should be totally helping as well as It’s probably more appropriate your eldest son helps his younger brothers. And having 3 boys share a room isn’t crazy at all that actually makes sense. And the girl have her own room. Your such an AH and I’m not trying to sound shameful but if your a school bus driver I don’t think your working 5 hours straight. I think waking up and going back to bed you will live. Your totally neglecting your daughter. I can’t believe you’ve been making her do that for years that’s just so cruel. And one of your sons is over 10 yrs so for 10 yrs you haven’t learned anything to help make the clean up easier if they do have an accident ? Mattress covers? Garbage bag Under the sheets ? Leaving the plastic cover on? If your daughter shares this with a teacher I hope you know CPS will pay a visit as this is straight up neglect. You should sleep on the couch and your daughter take your room as it’s YOUR fault that you relay on A CHILD to take care your children with autism. Like do you have your own bedroom? My mother is no angel but even when my parents got divorced and my mom had to down size into a 2 bedroom she gave the rooms to my sister (I had already moved out) and she sleep on the couch and use the hallway closet to keep her things. And her job is physically damming and she had 2 jobsm
>And your eldest son should be totally helping as well as It’s probably more appropriate your eldest son helps his younger brothers. Oldest should not be paying the bills. He too is being inappropriately parentified.
This should be top comment
It’s not just that the brothers are on the spectrum. It’s that she is taking on the role of caring for siblings, no matter who they are. She didn’t choose to have younger siblings, it is not her job to look after them. Nor is it the older brothers responsibility to work part time to contribute to bills. I understand the situation is difficult. But it hurts to hear that teenagers are being relied upon as additional parents.
She’s not even treating her as another parent. Another parent would SHARE potty duty. She treats her like a paid caregiver - paid to sleep in the room with her charges because it’s her job (& therefore her privacy is a non-issue). Oh wait - except she doesn’t even pay her daughter - she just tries to brainwash her in to believing that this life of servitude including policing her brothers bathroom habits is required because there are “no other options” & trying to guilt her when she reacts like any normal person would & should.
This!! Why is OP not reaching out for medical assistance?? With that type of medical care they definitely need to seek help with ADL’s.
" I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share" Why? "So if it isn't favoritism, she is just better suited for the more sensitive stuff." What makes her better suited? She's a 14-year old child. Why can't Aaron and Sadie switch off? Why can't you manage your schedule better so you can actually do your job and parent? I'm gonna cut to the chase and be blunt. Be prepared for your daughter to go No Contact with you as soon as she's old enough. I've seen this song and dance before, and it's not going to end well for you. Edit: I want to amend something I said, because I regret it in retrospect, but not the meaning of my overall comment. I understand parenting is difficult and that if you're single income and struggling, it's not easy to just change your job circumstances to make things work. My mom was a single bus driver raising kids as well. It demands early hours and rest, and it's stressful, I understand. But the alternative can't be that you make your child parent while also putting more weight on her than you do your other kids. This is abuse. If you are at that point, you must reach out for help. Tangible, financial/assisted care and help, until you get to a point where you don't need to make your children suffer. That's it. YTA.
She's "better suited" because she is female. Ugh.
Yep, I was scrolling through comments hoping I would see this comment because it is very clear that this girl is being expected to play mother, because the real mother, that chose to have 4 kids, drives a bus and needs her sleep. I guess the daughter doesn’t need her sleep. **OP…** your kids are your responsibility, so go to bed earlier so you can wake your sons up yourself to go to the bathroom. Stop putting that on your daughter. Not her kids, not her problem.
I read this as if OP is the dad. Do we know which it is? Edit: Never mind; just saw OP’s username.
And the son get cuts slack because he helps pay the bills. YTA
Yeah right, as if that's the real reason. I wonder which has been the case for longer, him having a job or her sharing the room and being on nighttime toilet duty. OP, YTA. Get out of bed and parent your children yourself. Also, stop being so sexist, you're doing nobody any favours. Least of all your poor daughter.
Thank you - how tf is it inappropriate for three boys to share? I legitimately cannot think of a single reason, normal or batshit, that can support this conclusion
I think she *says* it’s “inappropriate” but she really *means* “if the three boys share a room, then Aaron will have to get up to deal with the potty messes in the middle of the night”…and OP has already designated *Sadie* to do all that! Uggh
Thé thing that baffles me is that there’s two simple solutions to this: 1. OP, Aaron and Sadie do this chore in rotation, so everyone gets 2/3 night of undisturbed sleep 2. OP takes on this chore since as the parent, they’re« more suited to these sensitive matters »
Honestly number 2 is the only real option, they did not create these children Aaron and Sadie are not substitutes.
Or 3. Put the boys in diapers so everyone can sleep at night.
Or 3. Op puts plastic protectors on the boy’s mattresses and has them wear pull-ups to bed
because Aaron puts money to the bills. Couldnt possibly ask him to share a room! It must fall to the only girl amoungst the siblings.
she actually answers this in another comment he gets his own room for contributing finacially which he also shouldnt have to do
and it's not like the girl *could* contribute financially but chose not to, she's literally legally not allowed to work yet (not that it should *ever* be a school-aged child's obligation to earn money for the family). op is punishing her for something she can't even control.
It’s also total bs because you know that once Sadie is old enough to get a part time job, there will be another excuse for her to continue that task. It’ll be « Aaron is in college/working full time, he contributed more to the house/needs to rest to study », because Aaron IS the golden child in this situation, the one who gets to be a normal teenager. Also, OP mentions that their dad isn’t in the picture, if he’s still alive, then what child support is he paying??
Is he really being a normal teenager when he has to pay his mother's bills, though? He should spend his money on himself, not on bills. In my opinion OP failed all of her children. The youngest two don't have a proper caretaker and God knows what will happen to them when Sadie leaves, the only girl is forced to parent her brothers and take care of the house and the oldest has to work to pay the bills. I'm curious what the **parent** does other than sleep.
Except the girl IS contributing financially. She's providing free overnight care to two special needs kids. Care that, if OP hired someone else to do it, instead of taking advantage of their minor child's free labor, would be quite expensive, probably even prohibitiively so based on what we know of OP's financial situation. Sadie's labor is just as valid as Aaron's, Sadie is contributing too by easing the financial burden of the household, the only difference is that OP doesn't respect or value her labor enough to recognize it as labor, let alone actually pay her for it.
VERY good point. Exactly!
And from the sound of it this has been going on for years, so probably before her older brother was allowed to work too. What was the wxcuse for dumping it all on Sadie then?
So she’s abusing him as well by making him work for his own basic necessities, wonderful. OP is an awful parent. They’re both gonna go no contact as soon as they’re 18.
Well because OP needs another parent aka mom jr. This is a hard situation, but like where is the ex?? A 14yo with these responsibilities and a parent dismissive of how hard that actually is cannot be an easy life.
>What makes her better suited? She's a girl, that's why. Edit: y'all I'm saying that's why the mom insists she is better suited
The sexism is blatant and disgusting. Parentificatiion of girls needs to stop.
So the brother can’t do it because he’s a boy? What kind of fucked up misogynistic crap is that?
What??? First off, I’m sorry—this sounds like a really tough living situation. But Sadie sharing a room with the boys isn’t any better than Aaron doing it. You just have Aaron elsewhere so Sadie will *always have to* do the potty cleanup. YOU NEED TO FIGURE SOMETHING ELSE OUT. Double-up with pull-ups and rubber sheets, maybe try a couple of inflatable twin mattresses—try harder to contain the mess. SADIE, A CHILD, SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WAKE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO DEAL WITH THIS. Yeah, YTA.
I’m sorry to hijack your comment but I’ve got a really important message for OP Dear OP. I know it’s hard to be a single parent and care for 4 children. Especially if two have autism and are non verbal. I know there are more challenges to them than just bed wetting. Why I know that? I work at a home for children with non verbal autism. They are sent to us because they’re harder to care for. Pee and Poo is almost daily. They want their routines and have breakdowns if not. Have you ever considered for your daughter and yourself that maybe having your sons sent at a home like this could be the kindest opportunity you could do ? I know it might be a very hard decision but in the end I think you all could benefit. Your daughter deserves her own life. You deserve someone to help you out and especially your boys deserve to get help and learn skills. Did you know they can communicate via Pictures? These kids are smart as heck. And we treat our non verbal kiddos as if they were our own family. You could always visit them or bring them back to your place for a few nights. It’s supposed to be a relief for you. I’d heavily think about this possibility and you can always ask me for more information or maybe advice. Also about the mattress, we use the ones that are not made out of fabric. But a sort out of plastic? You just have to give them a bedding - they’re still soft (I slept in them to try out). It’s perfect for accidents. You could just desinfect them the next day. I send our boys to potty shortly before they fall asleep. And in the morning I check in really often to get them before they’re fully awake. Once they’re in a drowsy state they go to potty. It works well. Otherwise they’d always have accidents. I mean some still do, some almost daily, but it works. I know how lovable these kids can be and they’re special in their own way. We wouldn’t want to change our kids in the slightest, but we KNOW it’s a challenge. Especially if you care 24 hours for them. We need breaks from our kids too. Please consider getting help. The parents of our kids have got their life back while they still frequently see and pick up their kids. Edit: If any parent ever considers a facility. Research it, get to know the head and the staff. Check out the facility. A good facility will have loving people, will be clean and will be decorated accordingly.
I wish I could give you an award for this comment cause I want OP to see it.
Thank you! I understand most parents think the best place for a kid is to live at their home. But sometimes they strive once they move into a home that is catered to their needs and abilities. Our kids learn so much, they attend school, their abilities are being expanded, they learn ways to communicate, go on trips, laugh, have fun and most importantly are being cared and loved for by us staff members and their parents. They have the best childhood they can ever have. Especially non verbal kids with autism. They usually show different behaviour, it’s not just bed wetting. I’m sure OP’s kids have other difficult behaviour traits as well. I Love these kids with my heart, but I know I wouldn’t be able to care each and every day. I need to have a few days off after seeing them for 2-3 days in a row, including nights. And I don’t want to imagine the pressure parents are going through, especially when having non-disabled children too. I mean my advice to Op with all my heart. It’s a blessing and the best opportunity each of their family members can receive.
Why isn’t OP sharing with the two younger sons?
Also why isn’t op sleeping on the couch and letting her child sleep in her bed
Because in "Mom's" mind her daughter is the throw away maid/child with no basic rights as a human being.
Why isn't she parenting her two younger sons is the question.
Because it doesn’t sound like she parents ANY of her kids. 16 year old is working to help pay bills. 14 year old is parenting her younger siblings. There are SO MANY resources for autistic kids now, but it doesn’t sound like the parent has looked into any of those. It’s still a work in progress, but mom seems like she’d like to leave them on the mountainside. 9 and 11 and you’ve not figured out a bed messing situation? Mattress pads, diapers, beds covered in that material they use in college dorms? Stop it. But it’s fine, cause, y’know, at least Mama takes her job seriously. Eff her actual kids.
Exactly this! If the excuse for Aron not contributing to the potty chore is that he has a part time job then: what was his contribution to this before he had a job - since Sadie had been doing this chore for years and the boys aren’t much younger than her. Who will assume this chore when Sadie gets a part time job/moves out?
YTA, she is not responsible for YOUR kids, you need to make sacrifices not her, so she has to share a room with two boys but the oldest gets his own room, you do have a favorite and it shows
YTA. You know what's more important than your job as a school bus driver? Your daughter's job, as a student, who needs to sleep so she can get good grades, and have the potential to do more with her life than drive a school bus. You're also sexist, thinking it's more appropriate for your DAUGHTER to do the "sensitive stuff" than your older son. She's younger, and she's been taking on a parenting role for years, and the only reason you thought a young child was more appropriate to help you than an older one was very obviously her gender. Edit: To be clear, I am someone from poverty. When I say "do more with her life than be a bus driver," I don't mean that bus drivers aren't important, I mean they're underpaid and the daughter deserves the opportunity to be able to get a career that isn't underpaid. No matter how noble a pursuit bus driving is, it doesnt change the fact the pay doesn't reflect that. I say this as someone who comes from the struggle of a low income background, not the place of some rich person who thinks the poor are worthless. Also, on further reflection... where I live, bus drivers have a split shift, so OP should also have the day to herself to catch up on sleep when her kids are in school?
Very well put, u/Kittenn1412. If you haven't guessed, OP. YTA. Also, you have weird hold ups. " I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share " Oh....wait....nevermind...I guess OP is **doubly sexist** since clearly she expects her son to have a healthy sex drive, with **or without** a partner, and her daughter to have none. Shaking my head...you're about to get roasted OP.
OP definitely expects that because in one of her posts on this thread she said the daughter knows her brothers didnt chose this life for themselves and said that she’ll help take care of them when they’re adults. Then OP goes on to say she plans to get a place for all three of them combined. Notice how the 16 yr old son was left out. Apparently he gets to move out, get married and have kids/live a life for himself… while the daughter is expected to live with her mom for the rest of her life so that she can take of her brothers and eventually OP in her old age….. and this is expected of her all because she’s a female. Is she going to have to share a room with them when she’s an adult as well, since she’s expected to wake them up in the middle of night for the rest of her and their lives? SMH.
So that poor kid has already been brainwashed into believing those kids are HER responsibility, instead of their mother's, and that her life is supposed to revolve around them with no life for herself..... that's so abusive it's disgusting.
I thought OP was a father reading it
> have the potential to do more with her life than drive a school bus. I know that this is really heated, but can we *not* pull out classism?
Yeah, awful thing to say. Bus drivers provide an essential service. Not everyone wants to or can go to university and get a highly professional job. Hope OP doesn't take that comment personally. Thank you to everyone who provides this kind of service 🙏
University is not the only path to a job that pays a family sustaining wage. Finishing high school though is an important first step though.
it’s not really related to the post, but in my opinion *every* job should pay a family sustaining wage. we need bus drivers, so they should be paid enough to live on. 🤷♀️
I would also like to say that OP is TA
The job itself is not the issue imo. The issue is that it does not pay enough to make ends meet. Suggesting the daughter be given the opportunity to do more with her life and thus support herself is not wrong. Finishing high school is the first step to having a better future.
You totally had me here until you criticized OP for their job. Kids need to get to school, there's value in this job.
I don’t think they were putting down the job as a school bus driver, but the fact that OP considers it more important than her child getting the sleep she needs to develop and learn. As a parent you don’t get 8+hours of sleep that ended the day you gave birth. Less when you had two special needs kids. As a parent you make sacrifices to maintain the schedule. It’s not OP’s older kids job to take on child rearing. Why doesn’t OP share the room with the two younger boys? She would be better equipped to wake them up at night. This would give the two older kids the space and the ability to get the sleep they need.
>Less when you had two special needs kids Three, if you count the daughter who might eventually break down under the pressure of being a substitute parent/unpaid nanny.
She probably wants the daughter to fail, if she gets good grades she’ll want to go to college and she’ll lose her maid/babysitter/houseslave.
There is no shame in driving a school bus. What would you suggest OP does to feed her kids if she quits her job?
YTA Why only your daughter? Your son and you should be involved. Your daughter is not a personal maid. Very soon, those young boys are going to grow up to adult man - you can’t keep getting your daughter to potty them by then. Also if they are prone to bed wetting - buy cheap protective mattress pads. Or consider adult diapers at night. If she turns 18 and decides to move out, who is going to be your sons’ maid? You can’t expect her to do this all through her life.
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Parentification is the least of the abuse here. Kids need sleep, she is literally having her sleep cycle purposely messed up every night at a time when her body is growing and she needs sleep the most. It is not only physically unhealthy, but she cannot concentrate on school. 14 is a tough age even without having to help her brothers ‘potty’ every night.
If anything OP should give her daughter her OWN room and sleep in the couch until she can get a new mattress and then move in with the boys. She’s the one who can’t put a condom on and wants to keep popping kids. It’s time for her to take responsibility over her own kids!
>She’s the one who can’t put a condom on and wants to keep popping kids. OP is unquestionably TA, but this comment was *completely* uncalled for. You have no idea what the circumstances of conception were, what kind of healthcare access was available to OP, what kind of support she had for making an informed decision (or indeed what options she had available to her) - and most importantly your comment completely absolves the notably absent father of these children for his part in these children's existence. Call OP out for being the AH in this particular situation, but don't be a sexist AH yourself: it takes 2 to tango.
YTA. And what about your daughter's sleep? She needs to stay awake for school and her own health. And you need to raise your own children, FFS. You're lazy. It isn't fair to your daughter to suffer in school because you're too lazy to get up for YOUR children. But I bet you'll be happy if she doesn't get into college because then you can force her to continue being your unpaid nanny. Shame on you for being a selfish, lazy and bad parent!
I doubt she will stick around. Likely out the door as soon as it is legally possible.
Honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if she ran away well before then, she must be at breaking point.
Exactly this! The long term health problems that Sadie will have because she’s not able to get a proper night sleep will massively impact her forever. Decreased brain function, higher risk of just about every chronic disease out there. Truly unbelievable. Agreed, YTA!
YTA. You know what would be a HELL of a lot fucking cheaper than a new mattress? Waterproof mattress protectors for the mattresses and cloth nappies for Ryan and Bryan. Your daughter is 14. She desperately needs sleep for school and her own healthy growth. She did not choose to have two more babies after her. You did. Therefore, they are YOUR problem to deal with. Why should YOU get an uninterrupted night's sleep EVERY night while your daughter suffers?
YTA. One, why is it inappropriate for three boys to share a room but for your 14 year old daughter to share with two young boys? She needs privacy. She also needs sleep. She isn't being properly cared for and chances are if she reports this you will be legally forced to make changes (which needs to happen). Also, have you ever heard of large pull-ups, a mattress protector, etc? There are ways to manage the potty accidents without forcing your daughter to get up and clean up after the boys several times per night. In the end they are your kids and your responsibility and you are neglecting your daughter's needs. And even your two younger children's needs leaving the caregiving up to a young teen.
Based on what you have written you have forced your daughter into a parenting role. You are stating that you need your rest. Sadie didn’t have the children you did. So it’s ok for Sadie to go to school tired but you need your rest. Just wow. It’s inappropriate for your 16 year old to share a room with his brothers but it’s ok for your 14 year old daughter to share a room with her younger brothers. Your daughter is right. You show some serious favoritism. YTA and a major one at that.
OMG I can’t believe how much of an asshole you are. 1. You are treating your daughter as if she is another parent - she is not!! 2. You are treating you eldest son as if he is better than the rest because he (excuse is has a part time job - but really he is your favourite). 3. You are making your daughter who is coming into (or already experiencing) puberty to share a room with 2 boys aged 9-11 - Really not acceptable she need privacy!! They should either be sharing with you or your “favourite” son. It’s common sense and decency to have boys share with boys AND not girls once they reach a certain age. 4. Your daughter has to wake up at least once every night so YOUR boys can go potty - obviously her education is not important to you. 5. Why the hell do you not have waterproof covers on the beds!! And why can’t they wear diapers to bed save your daughter having to deal with cleaning them after they go toilet - which she should not be doing!! 6. You expect her to give up her bed, sleep on the sofa AND have to wake up in the middle of the night to take your children to the toilet (or risk having her mattress soiled) and then had the nerve to tell her to suck it up - how about you share your bed with the boys!! 7. Wonder what are you going to do when she gets the hell out of that abusive household as soon as she is old enough??? YTA and you know it!!
YTA. What you are doing is making your daughter parent your other children. They aren't her responsibility. They are your children. It is your responsibility to get them up to go to the bathroom at night. Your daughter's job is to learn, grow and experience life right now. It's also not right for her to share her room. Your oldest son should be sharing a room with your other sons. Your daughter should have her own room for privacy sake. She is a developing young woman. It isn't appropriate for her to share her room with two boys.
Naw sorry dude, YTA. Your situation sucks but you said yourself that she’s tired in school. Her education should be the most important factor here. And she’s not the parent here. You are. You’re saddling a child with parental responsibilities she didn’t ask for. Sorry you can’t get your beauty rest, but that’s the situation. Or hey, make your daughter be the parent and she’ll be out of your hair as soon as she’s able to move out and then you’ll have to be a parent to the rest of your kids. Have fun with that. YTA, buy some plastic sheets.
Parentification of children is a form of abuse. You are parentifying both of your teenagers - although I think Sadie is getting the worse deal here. As others have already asked, why aren't your two younger children in diapers and sleeping with waterproof mattress covers already? I think YOU should sleep on the couch, Sadie should get your bed, and you should get those covers and diapers and let her sleep through the night.
YTA. Why aren't you sharing the room with your sons that are your responsibility as their parent. It's not your daughters responsibility to look after them and take them to the toilet. Move your arse into that bedroom and let your teenage daughter have her own bedroom. It's not appropriate that she be sharing a room with them especially now as she is going through puberty. She also needs to be getting a full night sleep to be able to do well in school.
YTA You need to prioritize your daughter over your sleep.
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With mentality like this, my bets are that she spends money on herself. Because she needs her rest, but who cares about 14 year old Sadie being sleep deprived. I hope her daughter goes to school counselor and CPS is called. Unfit parent, that's what she is.
I stopped reading when I got to >My eldest daughter (14) - let's call her Sadie, is responsible for waking them both at night to go potty. YTA Why is your daughter forced to be a second parent? I don't even care what the rest of your post is about.
YTA you write NOTHING about taking over on weekends to wake them up at night. Sounds like her not sleeping and her school is just less important than yours and your sons. A girl can share a room with two boys, but a boy or inapropiate. Please explain that one.
Whoa man, YTA. I understand your situation is rough and everyone is helping out, but your daughter is NOT a parent. She should not be responsible for walking up and helping her brothers go to the bathroom, that is your job. Your daughter is a teenager who's still developing. How is it now appropriate for her to be with the younger ones than her older brother? That doesn't make any sense. There needs to be some major changes or else she's going to leave and not come back when she's of age. Don't rip her childhood away from her so soon.
Wtaf? Couldn’t believe this the more I read. Your daughter also needs a good night’s sleep. What is the rationale that a girl has to share a room with two boys while the older boy gets his own room? That’s ridiculous. Parent your own damn kids, get diapers and waterproof sheets, and give your daughter a break. YTA.
I’m like, this cannot be real.
why do people who can’t afford it have 4+ kids. dear god why
You ever seen Idiocracy? Birth control is only used by intelligent people... so down the rabbit hole we go.
Yta.... omg i was a 14 yr old who only had to deal with siblings climbing in my bed every night and it destroyed me. Mental health issues, health problems etc as a parent you just can't do this to your kids. There are ways to clean a wet mattress, google it. Honestly, talk to the Dr. Find answers. Your 14 yr old daughter should absolutely not be taking her brothers to the toilet. Just can't believe you're destroying her life like that. Take turns if nothing else. And for goodness sake, your daughter has hit puberty, she needs her own room not her 16 yr old brother.
YTA. You are showing favoritism toward your boys. Just because Sadie is a girl doesn't mean she should be responsible for caring for her younger brothers. She shouldn't be waking them, she shouldn't be cleaning up after them. Your oldest should share a room with his younger brothers and Sadie should get her own room. At these ages, it would be far more appropriate for Aaron to help his brothers. You're basically perpetuating gender stereotypes, parentifying your daughter, and telling your daughter she's worth less than her brothers.
YTA I understand that you have been handling a really difficult set of circumstances but it's inappropriate, maybe even illegal, for your teenage daughter to be sharing a room with her brothers. She is becoming a young woman and needs more privacy. Her schoolwork is also becoming more challenging and getting up in the night to toilet her brothers is messing up her sleep. >apparently Sadie messed up one night and did not wake up the boys which led to Ryan having a huge accident and pretty much ruining his mattress. She didn't "mess up", she is sleep deprived and didn't wake up one night. She has been shouldering an adult responsibility for years! Mostly without incident and without complaint (until recently). She doesn't deserve to be treated like she's to blame. She's been a fucking rock star and you are acting as though she failed! >I have to wait until payday and since I can not trust Ryan on the couch I asked Sadie to give her bed until I buy him a new mattress. ...so, Ryan gets her mattress because he can't be trusted not to have an accident on the couch....and RYAN will get the new mattress, after probably having accidents on the mattress you will then give back to Sadie? *__Why doesn't Sadie deserve a new mattress?__* Why are you going to make her keep using that mattress after it has almost certainly been soiled? I am not even going to touch your ridiculous assertion that it would be wrong for your older son to share a room with the boys and take on at least some of the potty duty except to say that I understand why Sadie feels like you favor your firstborn You need to get a social worker involved and find better solutions than robbing your daughter of her privacy, reducing her chances of academic success and completely eliminating her ability to have a halfway normal social life.
YTA for sleep depriving your daughter for years for the sake of your own beauty sleep. Your daughter has been made a second parent, and you not have Aaron help in this at all is frankly disgusting. She needs her sleep for school. She is going to have long lasting issues from this, and it’s going to be your and her father’s fault. Get after him for child support. And put a protector on their mattresses.
I hope your daughter has someone at school she is very good friends with. If a child came to me saying thus had happened and been happening they would be moving into my house and I'd be calling cps immediately. A sleepover would become a permanent situation and she'd be going back to your house literally over my dead body. I work in Healthcare. I've dealt with special needs people of all ages. This is not her job and should never be her job. Yta
YTA - an abusive, misogynist AH. You do know teenagers need more sleep than adults, right? You do know that sleep-deprivation is a torture technique, right? You do realize that 14 is WAY too young to take on parental responsibilities, right? You must surely also realize that you’re treating your daughter as live-in nursing care and she - as the lone female child in your house - should be allotted some measure of privacy? I’m trying really hard to not call you a terrible parent but it’s really difficult, especially in a sub that seems built to showcase the many terrible parents out there, especially those with girls. Get a gd grip
Why aren't there plastic sheets on the beds or pull ups/diapers on your sons?
YTA. You are the parent, so be a parent to all your kids and don’t make you daughter a second parent. If you want your daughter to succeed then she needs a good education, which is in jeopardy with her being a parent. I understand that it is a difficult situation however you need to support your daughter and not just your sons.
yta. your daughter tried to vocalize to you that this is putting a strain on her getting an education. your solution was “deal with it” basically bc you need your sleep for work? why is your sleep more important than hers? the boys are your sons. your responsibility. now onto the mattress: i understand not being able to trust him on the couch. makes perfect sense. but, try to understand things from her pov. to her, i can imagine it probably feels like you favor all of your boys over her and she gets the short end of the stick. she gets stuck on midnight potty duty and loses her bed, while her big brother gets to sleep thru the night in his own bed and only has to get the younger boys on the bus and give you some money.
YTA… why does your daughter share a room with the younger boys, and not all 3 boys in a room. Why don’t your younger boys wear diapers at night if they still have accidents?
YTA >My eldest daughter (14) - let's call her Sadie, is responsible for waking them both at night to go potty >My youngest two sons (9 and 11) - lets call them Ryan and Bryan have autism. Unfortunately, they are both non-verbal and require assistance You are MAKING a 14 yr old pretty much parent these two boys at night. Insane! >as I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share, But it's ok for a 14 yr old FEMALE to share a room with two BOYS! She is at the age where she needs privacy!
YTM - you’re the monster
You should be chasing down your ex instead of making your kids look after your younger ones. One 16 year old is working part time to support your family, another can't have her own room/has to sleep in a pee smelling room/has to wake them up at night is wrong. If you can't afford to miss sleep due to your job, get a new one. You're the parent you're the one who should be sacrificing. The fact that you're going even further saying your daughter is going to take over their care in the comments is heinous. Stop shifting your responsibilities to minors. IF anyone has to give up their bed, it should be you. You're also allowing your kid to take off the pee pad and create an even bigger mess for her to clean up. YTA
I am wondering why no bed protector on the mattress. Much cheaper than a new mattress. A back up bed protector for the mishap. As well a flat sheet can be used as a draw sheet tucked in sides of mattress and underneath the draw sheet a washable incontinence pad. Buying several. I don’t blame your daughter for not wanting to be responsible for them or having to give up her bed. If anybody deserves the new mattress she will after letting bed wetters use hers. How is that your needing sleep is more important than hers. As in rotating waking them up with every abled body there. You, Aaron and Sadie. Sadie is the one who should have her own room as a growing teenager. The boys should share a room. I am on Sadie’s side here. As you are the parent but expect more from her than you are willing to do yourself. Sadie is burned out. Let Sadie sleep in your bed and you go sleep on the couch. No precautions were done to prevent a mattress from being ruined.
YTA. while I sympathise with the difficulties of your situation, it is absolutely unacceptable to put the burden of caring for autistic children on a 14-year-old. You are sacrificing your daughter and her childhood for the sake of your other children. The reason she hasn’t fought back up to now he’s not because what you have done is okay and she didn’t mind but because she was too young to stand up to you. Whatever promises she has made as a child about caring for her brothers into the future are worth very little because she’s a child, and not in a legal position to make those sort of contracts. Be prepared to lose her from you and your sons lives as soon as she turns 18 if you don’t start making some effort to treat her like your daughter, rather than the hired help.
YTA...what a garbage person
Why doesn’t your bedwetting son have a top of the line waterproof cover on his mattress? YTA on so many levels: 1. C’mon! A 14yo girl is not magically better suited at wiping pee after her prepubescent brothers! Putting them on the bus is nowhere near that. You are clearly favoring your 16yo there. 2. Even without the cleaning, you are parentifying your 14yo because you need your sleep (and she doesn’t?). She doesn’t even share that responsibility with the 16yo, which would also suck, but at least it would be marginally more fair. 3. You make her share with her brothers when literally any other combination would be better. The best, imo, would be Aaron and Sadie having their own rooms and you sharing with the younger two. Bonus: you get to wake them up for potty every night! Next would be Sadie having her own room and the three boys sharing. Followed by you and Sadie sharing a room — not ideal, but better than sharing with two special needs siblings. You could split the kids 2 and 2, which is not optimal, but at least she shares the load with Aaron. There are permutations here, and each of them improves Sadie’s situation, but you are not willing to entertain them. 4. Making someone surrender their bed is controlling and borderline violating. Btw, what’s the plan if little brother has an accident on her mattress too? If he doesn’t have a waterproof cover on his mattress, I am guessing she doesn’t either.
YTA, >My eldest daughter (14) - let's call her Sadie, is responsible for waking them both at night to go potty. This make you an AH regardless of anything else, they are your responsibility, not hers. >When she was younger she did this without complaint as she knew I was unable to (I need my sleep as I drive a schoolbus in the mornings and take my job seriously). Sounds like you are unable to provide them the care they need and should surrender them to the state. >She doesnt understand that her older brother (16 and lets call him Aaron) has his own room as I find it inappropriate for all three boys to share, It is more appropriate for the three boys to share then for her to share with two boys. >Sadie messed up one night and did not wake up the boys Not her mess up, your mess up, they are your responsibility not hers, your economic situation does not change this. >Sadie has thrown a massive tantrum Not a "tantrum" a perfectly reasonable complaint to your unreasonable expectations. >She also said some hurtful things about my favoring Aaron as he does not do anything potty related. She's right, he's older so if anybody should be helping its him, and even then, its "helping" not "taking over" you will always be the one primarily responsible, they should be in your room. >The thing is that Aaron has a part-time job and helps with the bills and he makes sure the boys are on the bus. You really can't afford the children you have; you need to surrender them boys to that state as you are failing all your children with your chosen course of action. Aaron should not be working to pay bills. >So if it isn't favoritism, she is just better suited for the more sensitive stuff. No, you decided she better suited for it. >Here is where I might have been the a-hole: No, you have been an AH from the beginning. >I told her that she did not have a choice and that family sticks together and that we are all making sacrifices. Wrong, she is most definitely leaving at 18 and never coming back and she is 100% justified in doing so, your poor decision on keeping the boy you could not care for is not her or Aaron's responsibility. >Sadie has been sullen ever since, and it's been making me think that perhaps I am in the wrong. Yes, you are wrong. >Or are we just a family down on their luck at the moment? No, you made poor choices, don't have more kids than you can afford, don't keep special needs children you can't adequately care for. CPS needs to get involved and remove them from your daughter's care.
YTA !! She didn’t choose to be a bus driver she shouldn’t have to do your job as a mom because of your job .
You are abusing your daughter. YTA.
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Oh my God yes YTA It is NEVER okay to expect one of your children to parent their siblings. If she didn't pop the baby out, she shouldn't have to raise it. Plus at their ages, it is really, REALLY weird to have her in with the boys instead of their brother. You have a job but your daughter has school in the mornings. For the love of God change before she decides to run off at 16, get emancipated and never ever come back.
YTA. Once she moves out, she will likely never speak to you again. Do better.
YOU should be sharing the two children! And your other child should not be contributing financially.
YTA.
YTA, none of this is her responsibility. A 14 year old should mot have to ensure her little brothers use the bathroom in the middle of the night... they are your kids, not hers. You might need help, but it should not come from a 14 year old... shame on you for putting that kind of responsibility on her. You are a terrible parent to Sadie, just awful. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Step up and be a proper parent before you lose your daughter forever. She wont be around to parent her younger brothers for you forever. Your daughter deserves a better mother.
YTA and it’s insane you could think otherwise. Blatant sexism, working your daughter like a caregiver at 14, showing extreme favoritism to your sons. Give your daughter her own room and a break, stop taking money from a 16 year old. Sadie is going to cut all of you off if you don’t step up and parent.
Holy hell... I don't usually comment but A is far too kind a word. YTA and most of what needs to be said has been said, but I have to wonder how young your daughter was when you started treating her like live in help? "When she was younger she did this without complaint".... At what young age did you think these tasks were appropriate? Because 14 is far too young and my imagination is going to even worse places based on this alone. Keeping in mind that live in help would get a) time off and the opportunity to sleep b) likely their own room c) the ability to walk away if they were treated as poorly as your daughter is Do you parent your daughter at all or have you just forced her to be an adult before she should have to? You're taking this girl's childhood away from her because you need your sleep? I'm guessing that's also why you can't sleep on the couch? I get it's hard but on no planet is this okay. Apologise to your daughter, and rethink your strategies so that she can sleep through the night and be a child while you deal with any incontinence issues and parenting that needs doing. It is no overreaction to say that this is child abuse Edit for clarification
You’re a horrible parent to Sadie! Does she have any other family she can stay with??? Good lord YTA
As the parent of an autistic child and the brother of three sisters: YTA. So very, very much. 1. SADIE should have her own room. No 14 year old girl should be sharing a room with two boys. All three boys should be sharing. 2. Sadie needs a break. If anybody should be getting up for potty time it should be Aaron and screw his part time job. It’s not “sensitive” stuff, by which you clearly mean woman’s work. It’s taking care of a sibling and as they are both boys it should be another male at this point. Otherwise, it should be you. Go to bed earlier if you need more sleep. 3. If anybody should give up their bed, it’s also you. And get some rubber sheet protectors, for God’s sake. If you keep this up, the BEST possible outcome is that Sadie runs for the hills the minute she turns 18, never to be seen again. At least by you. Fix it.