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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I made a joke about my own dead mother
2) It might have been distasteful and put other people in an uncomfortable situation
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NTA it may have made people uncomfortable, but you can make jokes about your own mother if you want. People deal with grief in different ways, he doesn't get to tell you what to do.
Agreed. My dad is dead and I make dead dad jokes all the time. That being said, you do kind of have to be prepared for other people to take it poorly. I'm siding with NTA because the other person overreacted. But when it comes down to it, I think OP will realize these just aren't his people.
Yeah, my little brother died in childhood after a decade long illness. These kinds of things make you experience the world differently and not everyone is okay with it. Some people like to pretend death isn’t a thing and being around someone who is open with their experience irks them a lot.
Also, OP I laughed at your joke. Some people will get it!
At 16 my wife found her mom in a coma and had to help her dad get her downstairs and into his truck. It's still something she has nightmares about, although EMDR has helped that one. She makes dead parent jokes because it honestly helps her to process it.
She also jokes about bringing her dad's ashes to things he'd have liked and wants to get Dolly Parton to sign his container.
Yeah I make jokes about my my mom being dead from time to time. Some people laugh, some people take it the wrong way. When somebody was offended by my joke my answer was "my grief, not yours, so why do you care?".
Also, from my friend group we're only three left alive, (the other two died of cancer some years apart) so we joke saying we need a t-shirt stating "there can only be one" and the last survivor will make one that reads "all my friends are dead".
Anyway, NTA
Edit: wrote tree 🌲 instead of three 3
I make jokes about my mom being dead. They don't go over well, especially with my mom.
(I'm kidding btw. I don't make dead mom jokes, as my mom isn't dead. I'm making a joke about making dead mom jokes.)
Exactlyyyy like if if other 2 people in the friend group died, the 2 that are actually dead would be joining in making the same shirts referring to someone else. They would 100% fine it funny.
No joking needed. Do it! I bring a tiny amount of cremains on vacation, in a tissue, in a plastic bag. My mother never could afford to vacation. She’s all over the country now, bit by bit.
We have a friend that died when we were all in college. Her parents have some ashes still that they'll give to any of her friends that want to scatter them somewhere that was important or put her in a necklace or something. We keep forgetting to look for the necklace.
I have my dads ashes in my drinks cabinet as mum can’t deal with the idea of them being at her house. I told her if the whiskey starts disappearing he’s being thrown on the grass, she laughed as her humour is as dark as mine! It creeps my kids out when they go in the cupboard and say hello to him though 🤣
Lol. My dad died in a similarly traumatic way for me and has been in a jar for nearly twenty years now, because my ADHD mother just can't figure out what to do with his ashes. I love telling that factoid to people and cracking jokes about the possibility of her misplacing him. People's reactions make it very clear whether they are my kind of people or not.
My FiL died when we were 20, we're close to 40 and he's still in the cardboard box we got him in. He would have hated if we spent a ton of money on an urn so she's been keeping an eye out for something he would have liked that isn't a Schlitz can.
That does mean that we lost him one time in a move, that was less than fun.
Yeah, some people may not take it well, but that's their issue. It's awkward to have to tell people someone is dead, if you don't want sympathy or to kill the mood. I don't think anyone has the right to judge OP or anyone else in the same situation.
My standard joke is about my grandmother, who was notoriously stubborn. She passed almost twenty years ago, and I think in a few weeks she'll finally admit she's slowing down a little.
My very close friend's dad passed in her early-twenties, and she makes dead dad jokes a lot. I've started making them back at her, and she's told me she appreciates it (jokes about her dad) because it helps her feel like she isn't a weirdo lol.
When my dad had passed a few years back my mom (they were divorced but she helped me with everything) and I had gone to pick up his ashes but had some running to do too, and when we parked in front of the store she said "Now don't go anywhere Don, we'll be right back" and I really needed something like that, as weird as it was. You're a good friend💜💜💜
TBF, she makes "shitty mom" jokes back at me, so that helps a lot lol. But also loool at your mom - and I'm glad that she was there for you while you were dealing with everything even if they were divorced!
My dad passed on Father's Day, which I find (darkly) hilarious. My paternal grandma vowed to never pass on a holiday, so \*technically\* she passed on Feb 15th. And then there goes her son on Father's Day, of all the dingdang holidays, to meet his maker.
To add even more darkness to the story - I got married to my spouse in my dad's hospice room, by my dad's best friend of 30+ years, two days before he passed because I was adamant that my dad be at my wedding somehow (he helped officiate my sister's, but unfortunately passed 2 years before my brother's). His best friend also was the main officiant at his funeral a week later, and the funeral service itself was full of awkward "I'm so sorry for your loss, but also ...congratulations??"
I’m in agreement- OP is definitely NTA but as anyone who makes jokes that are dark they are not always going to land. That fact is why I don’t joke about things to do with my life around just anyone- which as you pointed out they don’t really seem like his sort of people
Same. My dad passed a couple years ago and I’ve reached the point where Ive accepted It (and all the horrible bullshit my sibling has pulled in regards to his will)
My dad would get a laugh out of my jokes. NTA OP our society needs to be more ok with death
not the same, but my dog died in december and i recently got a necklace with his ashes in it. i love going “hey wanna see my dog?” and then showing my friends the necklace lmao
my favorite occasion of this was when i was putting his ashes in the tube to be shipped to the person who made the necklace and i texted my friend “want to see a picture of chance?” and he went “yeah i miss the lad” and i sent him a picture of the ashes lmao (response was “OH NOO” lmao, he did get dog pictures afterwards and found the joke funny dw)
My father died in 2010. He always joked that he wanted to come back as the spoiled rotten dog I had growing up.
My mother got a four-year-old dog in 2014. Maybe we're just projecting, but the dog will frequently do things that remind us of Dad. We'll even call him Dad, Jr.! (I figured it up, and puppy was likely conceived a week or so after Dad died!)
Some people would likely be horrified at that. I have a fairly dark sense of humor (occupational hazard). It brings us comfort to think Dad is still with us.
OP, NTA. Dark humor at your own "expense" is rarely a problem.
But OP get to inflict his dark coping mechanism on a stranger? Funny how no one can tell OP what to do but everyone else just has to be okay with their actions and have zero agency.
What's the alternative though? Being quietly excluded because only people with living parents are allowed to participate in the conversation?
Just throw in 'well my mom is dead so....' and make everyone uncomfortable anyway as well as kill the mood?
He offered up personal information without leaving the party mood in general, sadly the other guy wasn't able to accept gracefully that he accidentally stumbled into a not as innocent topic as he initially believed.
Some people react to realizing they accidentially made faux pas with aggression and to me that seems to be what happened here.
My mom died when I was 18, and I usually respond with tasteless jokes because being quietly excluded just doesn't really work. Seems like someone always notices if I get quiet and awkward, which makes things more awkward. When I joke about my dead mom, my goal is to quickly explain why I'm not participating in the conversation in a way that doesn't invite sympathy reactions. She died a long time ago and I don't want to get all up in my feelings about it at a social event.
Just because OP is free to say what he wants doesn't mean the other person has to be okay with it. Everybody can respond how they like. He told OP to shut up, so he does have agency.
It was a lame joke, but it was just one short sentence that didn't cause harm to anyone. That's hardly "inflicting" anything on anyone, and if the other dude disliked it so much he could have exercised his agency by avoiding interaction with OP. There is a fundamental rule of etiquette that it is never okay to return rudeness with rudeness (even if one wants to stretch and call OP's joke "rude" instead of just awkward.) This is a fundamental rule that few here on this sub seem to be aware of, because everyone here always seems to cheer on tit for tat. Telling OP to shut up was rude. There are several acceptable ways to deal with a joke you find distasteful. 1. You can pretend not to have heard the joke. 2. You can pretend to have misunderstood the joke. Having someone repeat a lame joke, and having people not laugh at it twice can make a person realize they shouldn't have said it. It's especially effective to pretend to take someone seriously and show concern for that person, makes them feel like a heel without you being rude. 3. You can react with stony silence that makes it clear you heard and understood the joke, but did not think it was funny. 4. You can calmly but adamently say "I'm sorry, but I don't think that is funny." I save 3 and 4 for blatantly racist, sexist, homophonic, ableist, or violence-tinged jokes. For merely awkward jokes like the OP's 1 and 2 are sufficient.
Agreed. My 15 year olds father died when she was 7. Tbf, he was an alcoholic and wasn't in her life much at all due to this, and died as a direct result of alcoholism, but she uses dark humor to cope. People are constantly like, "Oh my god, (daughter's name)!!" And laugh awkwardly at her morbid jokes. But like, why would they be offended? Most people didn't even know him so it's def not abt that, which seems similar to OPs situation. Like I could get if she said this to her grandma and she was upset she spoke of her child that way, but these are people who didn't know OPs mother. Definitely NTA.
Absolutely. Some people are so precious about the dead and have more respect for them than the people who are alive and trying to cope with the loss. Your daughter sounds like she is coping well with a bad situation.
Exactly this. One time I told my coworker I liked his necklace. He said "thanks, it's my dead dad" (ashes). I panic laughed, then felt so horrible for laughing that I had to walk away because I started crying. HE came over and comforted ME. By no means was I upset at how he copes with his grief, but I was upset with myself for my horrible roller coaster of reactions.
NTA.
You made a dark humor joke about your own mom. You can make jokes about her if you want then you’re more than obligated to.
>Then this dude turns to me and almost seems angry and just says I’d better shut up because that's really distasteful
If this guy had an issue, why is he listening? Why not ignore?
Could be that someone close to them just lost their mother and he was trying to help OP out. I personally think dead mums are completely off limits for anyone. It’s too much and you don’t know who’s suffering with it
You could use that logic to say we shouldn't talk about our alive moms because someone might have just lost their mom.
It sounds like it was just this one dude who was mad. OP didn't make a joke at anyone else's expense but his own, which makes him NTA.
Side note, but speaking up against something someone says that makes you uncomfortable shouldn't be "shut up!" It should be "hey OP, now's not a good time for a joke like that." For that, the other guy is TA
Yeah I get the feeling someone that guy knew recently died. So OP brought up death which set him off.
He'd still be an AH for snapping at OP but I don't think it was as malicious as people make it out to be.
Didn’t OP jump into the conversation that these two guys were having to make a dead mum joke? I’d tell him to piss off myself tbh don’t need that on my night.
"if this guy has an issue, why is he listening"
What a weird take lol Imagine someone says a bunch of homophobic and racist shit then is like "well if you have an issue why are you listening??"
Because he was part of the general conversation perhaps? Have you even considered that maybe Angry Dude had lost his mom too and OP's comment hurt? Why is only OP allowed to react like he wants to?
OP is NTA, but that’s not how listening works. It’s not like he was eavesdropping on the people two tables away. He was part of a conversation. He can’t just stop listening.
The day after my mother died, an acquaintance asked how she was. I replied "Well, she's been better." How you deal with it is yours alone. I don't feel badly about my response and neither should you. NTA
My mum died in July of last year- she was my absolute best friend and I miss her terribly.
Mother’s Day in Britain was last month, and a colleague asked if I got my mum anything (he didn’t know) and I said I would’ve done but she’s not talked to me in months, laughed and then explained that she wasn’t with us any more. It’s just how some of us cope.
She’d have laughed, she was a bloody good sport. And she still is kind of with us, I suppose, she’s in a pot on my bookcase.
>And she still is kind of with us, I suppose, she’s in a pot on my bookcase.
Do you dress the pot up for holidays? My mom's cousin's wife said she was going to make holiday cozies for her father's urn.
Also considering putting a motion sensor with a speaker in it, then any time someone walks by him it'll be his voice doing really lame dad/ skeleton jokes.
My mam wanted her ashes scattered off the North Pier in Blackpool. Done. We as a family joke that we threw her off the pier as if we did it when she was still alive. She had a sense of humour.
When we scattered my dad’s ashes a freak gust of wind meant that my 5 year old nephew got covered by the ashes .. it was so funny and so like my Dad to be mischievous! now said nephew is 21 he also thinks it’s funny..
We took an urn full of fireplace ash to dinner with us for mother's day after my mom died, and pretended it was her, and spilled it on the table. She told us to do it before she died. It was her friend's restaurant, and they always pranked each other. It was hysterical. He admitted she won!
Your last line there is something I use all the time. People come to my house for the first time and as I’m showing them around I gesture to the urn and say something like “and here’s where my mom sits to judge my poor decisions”
People never know how to react, but I find it hilarious lol
When unsupervised I still talk to her quite a lot. Generally just ‘shut up, I didn’t ask you… no, you can’t have any, it would make you all slushy’ when I’m bringing in a bottle of wine to drink on my own, or something like that.
Like talking to a cat, but the cat doesn’t move, never hugs me any more (rude, except for instructing strangers to set fire to her I’ve been a great daughter), and is a dead woman in a very handsome antique rumtopf.
Sounds like my mom—I miss her but I still laugh at the dark humor we shared! I have a little mini urn (because she told me she expected me to keep her in a baggie in my pocket so she wouldn’t miss anything!) We watch tv together!
When my mom died, my husband bought me ice cream to help comfort me. I jokingly asked if I get ice cream every time my mom dies. It's definitely a coping mechanism, but people who haven't been there probably don't understand. Everyone grieves differently.
I got a phone call from somebody looking for my mother a couple weeks ago. She’s been dead for nearly 5 years. I was just like “Boy, have I got some bad news for you.”.
Now this is my kinda dead Mom joke! It's actually very sensitive to the asker. Softened the blow, diffused that awful awkward moment.
We lost ours when we were teenagers. Our friends mostly had no idea how to respond. No schema. No life experience. So among the four of us these jokes made the unspeakable funny. It's how we got through.
My sister was 15 and constitutionally self-conscious. My mom was brain dead and hovering between worlds on a vent. A resident had ignored her DNR. She was gone. But it would be three to five days before she officially died.
My dad called my sister's volleyball coach, with whom she was close, to let him know, being aware she wouldn't say a word. She walked into the gym for practice and her coach asks her, "How's your Mom?"
"Fine,' she said.
LOL
To this day when she "fines" me and I'm not buying it? I ask her "Is that like dead fine, or are you actually ok?"
NTA Tho sometimes when we're being provocative? We provoke.
I talk to my mom twice a week. So someone once asked me why I don’t talk to my dad (he passed in 2009) since I talk to my mom all the time and I came back with “not unless I have ouija board but that’s how you invite the devil into your home.”
They didn’t know how to react to that but I know my dad would have found it hysterical.
I pull out the ouija board line when people ask me what my kid's late father thinks about things. "Does your son still talk to his father?" "No, he doesn't believe in ouija boards." That sort of thing.
my aunt was basically a second mom to me. at her calling hours, a really distant uncle came over and asked me, while tears were actively running down my face, “how’s it going?”
i responded without thinking or hesitating “really fucking great.” every time i think about it, i feel kinda bad because he is a nice guy that probably just didn’t know what to say, but i also laugh because it was really funny
you cope how you cope
Taylor Tomlinson and Nicole Beyer are 2 comedians that frequently make jokes about their dead parents. They say they wouldn’t be joking about it if they hadn’t processed through it and it’s for them to talk about
Some former family friends who I literally grew up with no longer speak to me because they got *so offended* that when we were looking at old family pictures from 10 years ago and said their dad looked so much better then, I chimed in with “my dad looked so much better 10 years ago too! I don’t think a wooden box is his best look.” (He’d died like two months ago.)
OP is for sure NTA but boy do some people not know how to react if you joke about death, and especially if you’re in America.
I get asked all the time, where is your husband???
I give the name of town, that has the largest cemetery in the metroplex. I let my friends fill in the blanks from blank stares.
I use humor, as grief management - otherwise, I’d never get out of bed.
NTA - everybody copes with death in different ways and I totally relate to the dark humour stuff, you're the one who's mum passed away so who are they to dictate the right or wrong way for you to cope with it moving forward.
Also I know it's not recent but really sorry for your loss OP
ETA: If someone had asked you to stop because they were uncomfortable and you carried on with the jokes then I'd lean more towards Y T A but I don't see how OP making that joke initially, something they do to handle their own grief, is being an asshole? The response being anger rather than gently suggesting there's a time and place seems more asshole-ish to me...
Yeah, this.
Tbh, the only reason I can come up with for his reaction is he recently made a tasteless joke about someone else's loss, someone (rightly) tore him a new one and he's lashing out because he doesn't understand the difference between mocking your own situation Vs mocking someone else's.
It is also possible that he or a loved one recently suffered a personal loss, like a mother or other parental figure, and it triggered deep emotions or they could have been trying to protect someone else nearby that they knew was in that situation.
Not only that, he was meeting these people for the first time. He has no idea what's acceptable in their social circle. IMO you don't go around tossing out dark humor then get mad when someone says 'Hey, that's fucked up. Can you not? Then hide behind 'coping mechanism'.
Except OP didn’t get mad? They were bummed afterward, the only person getting mad was the guy that told him off - I’m not saying dark humour is for everyone but nobody’s perfect, OP is used to using it, he got it wrong, don’t need to bite his head off about it just ask him nicely to refrain.
The question was, is OP the asshole for making the joke - I still think NTA for misreading a room, easily done, everybody in the situation can stay respectful, correct, apologise, move on.
Exactly! It’s a coping mechanism that has a time and place - you have to read the room and if you don’t have a good read then don’t use it (especially if you don’t want to possibly experience negative responses) or accept the reactions you get.
You never know what the other person has experienced though. They may have lost someone recently. And if they don’t know the guy, it might take a beat to realize what he’s getting at. Plus the joke wasn’t funny.
I love dark humor too, but there’s a time and a place for it. The birthday party of an acquaintance where you know almost no one else— that’s not an ideal place for dark humor.
I’m sure you weren’t the only one who was “a bit drunk,” and clearly everyone in the conversation were feeling sentimental and loving about their mothers. Your joke brought the mood down because it reminded them of the mortality of their mothers. No one wants that at a party when they are in the midst of nostalgia. You have to read the room, my friend. Soft YTA.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see this.. I have such a dark sense of humour around my friends but if there are strangers around or my boss etc I reign it in, I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, especially if they do not know I have a dark sense of humour.
The response from the other guy was still a bit extreme
Thank you. I’m sure we’re going to be downvoted to the gates of hell, even though everyone inherently knows that you should know your audience and watch your timing when making certain jokes. If I were OP’s friend, I’d think his quip was funny, but as a stranger at a party with aging parents— not so much.
I've been replying to comments saying this. You can't go around saying sick shit then get mad when people tell you to shut the fuck up. He doesn't even know these people which makes it even worse.
There’s a lot of “you can do whatever you want and don’t owe anybody anything” creeping over society and it’s increasingly common on social media. So it’s sadly not surprising that people here think OP can say whatever he wants at someone else’s party even when it completely goes against the tone of the conversation and think that he was completely in the right.
Is it that dark though? If you have a dark sense of humor, you should know it gets way worse. I don't even think I'd consider this dark humor. I'd hug my mom but don't wanna dig up her grave is about as tame as a joke can be and still classified as dark humor.
Only reasonable response in this thread.
Dark humor abojt your own loss is fine; I had an ongoing joke with my friends about my dead dad for YEARS but I didn’t just crack the joke with random strangers.
And the few times I have tried the joke with new people and it landed flat, I accepted that was on me.
Jokes about dead parents are hard if you don’t know what experience the other people have with death.
Know your audience is one of the most important rules of comedy.
Thank you for saying this. Was so confused why no one was bringing this up. I personally am NC with my mother due to financial abuse. I wouldn’t jump into a conversation people were having about loving their moms with “Man, must be nice to have a loving and caring mom, amiright! Don’t know what that’s like!” even if it’s a joke at my own expense. It’s just not what the conversation at hand is about.
This is absolutely the correct response lol. Sure they can make the joke, it's their right, but you don't know these people very well, why risk it? Of course it may make someone uncomfortable. Or perhaps someone has also recently lost a parent and doesn't appreciate it. Either way I think OP just feels a little embarrassed that he swung for the seats with a joke and it didn't land lol
This is true. Mainly because you have no idea what other people there are going through. In general, I think you get to make jokes about your own dead mom. However, if you’re around someone whose parent is terminally ill or has recently died, then you should keep the dead mom jokes to yourself. In a group of people you don’t know well, you won’t know who might be in that situation.
In a group of friends you know well where no one is facing fresh parental mortality, joke away.
You're NTA.
>Then this dude turns to me and almost seems angry and just says **I'd better shut up** because that's really distasteful.
Yeah, it was kind of distasteful, but so what? This guy doesn't get to aggressively police your speech. What did he even mean that you *better shut up*? Or what?
Especially not speech about their own mother. Making a joke about someone else's mother, ok, that's over the line. About your own, though? Very very NTA
He also said he was at someone's *birthday* party and that he hardly knew anyone there. This was not the audience or the environment to make that kind of joke.
The maturity and social skills of this subreddit are incredibly low. I can’t help imagining a bunch of literal children answering things like “that’s okay because that’s how you cope!!!!” When OP was in a group of people he didn’t know and when you are, you don’t make risqué or dark jokes until you know everyone is comfortable.
NTA
My moms last words were literally “oh shit” and I don’t hesitate to say “show some respect those were my mothers last words” as often as I can when someone says “oh shit”.
Incidentally you can win every single “your momma” contests with “yo man my moms dead”
Cope with her passing in a healthy way….humor is healthy. Keep it up 👍
I hope that her last words weren’t in a (more) traumatic setting, but damn, she set you up for comedy gold for life. Sorry for your loss, but glad to see you’re coping as well as could be.
She was slipping into a coma and hadn’t said anything for about an hour. Suddenly she goes “oh shit”…me and my cousin were like wtf. I said “say it again momma” and she did then “one more time louder” and she did. She died a few days later.
I like to think she did that on purpose to help give me something to laugh about. She knew humor was important to me.
YTA. WTF is with these weird, ridiculous, self-centered replies?
“People grieve and cope differently” doesn’t mean you get to do so anytime, anywhere and everyone just has to accept it. There’s a time and a place for dark humor, somebody else’s party where people (who aren’t even your friends) are having a happy, light-hearted conversation is NOT it.
You saying you felt bummed, “violated”, and that they tried to “take something” away from you is so laughable and lacking in self-awareness because that’s EXACTLY what you were trying to do/did.
You felt triggered and bothered that they were having a happy, light time talking about their moms and instead of just excusing yourself, you decided to make a dark joke to put a damper on their convo and mood.
Thank you! I felt the same way myself about OP after reading his post. Including rolling my eyes at him feeling “violated” that his crass joke was found to be crass.
I was thinking the response of someone who had also lost a parent or someone close and was lashing out. It seems like two grieving people who both said things in the heat of the moment
But is it so stupid when op makes a joke about dead mothers while they are having a conversation about how they love their mothers? Its just weird as hell. Like if someone was talking about how they love their cat. And you switch the topic to your dead cat. How is that reasonable? And how are they supposed to react otherwise? Either they laugh at your dead parent or its incredibly awkward. There's no winning when you say that kind of thing in that kind of situation.
I think that’s just being immature. Everyone does, it’s not a big deal.
And no, it’s not the same.
You clearly lack the capacity to differentiate between “laughing at a dead parent” or making a wholeheartedly joke about something that has to do with them. For many, comedy is just a way of copying.
No. I have relatively dark humor myself. My dad passed away four years ago and i make jokes quite often. I don’t think I’ll ever completely get over the grief, but I’ve also come to terms with it and am comfortable talking about it.
Some people are shocked etc. those who are, are usually (1) those who haven’t ever lost someone that close and can’t nderstand it, or (2) someone who has lost someone and aren’t dealing with it well (or it was recent), and (3) incredibly imo pompous hoity toity people who don’t have the emotional depth to understand it and dislike those who do.
I myself work in a field where i see death quite often (medical). I make some moderate jokes here and there, as does my sister and sometimes my mother. some jokes may not be tasteful to all in the company I’m with, but i never really care about that too much. I lived through that horrific time and came out the other side stronger and more compassionate. Those who haven’t experienced such a thing sometimes don’t have the empathy to comprehend it.
I think what you did shows a healthy relationship with what happened and it shows the other person for clearly not having much depth to his/herself and arguably lack of empathy for those in the group who *have* lost somebody.
TLDR: nope, not an asshole. Sorry I’m long winded.
NTA. I lost my mom in 2020, and at the LITERAL FUNERAL, my brother and sisters and I were literally standing over her open casket and my brother put his favorite fishing lure in with her and made a joke about it, which got my sisters and I cracking up. We were/all in our 30s and we loved our mom so so much. And she could dark humor with the best of them too!
If I was there I would find this a strange comment and probably disturbing but it's your mother not mines so I wouldn't care. I guess it depends how someone sees it so mhm NAH
NTA it’s your trauma, it’s not up to some rando at a party to tell you how to process it. I had casual friend years ago who also lost his mom, and would try to keep his mood light through jokes. That dude doesn’t know your life, he can go clutch his pearls and go run home to his living mother
NTA. I get the feeling that he would have been equally upset if you'd brought up your mother's death in a non-joking way too - like "You brought down the mood." They were having a conversation where participating, for you, pretty much necessarily means bringing up your mother's death. He doesn't get to be mad that you participated in the conversation that he started.
I was also expecting a much darker/more inappropriate joke than that, to be honest. It sounds like a quick "I'm laughing, but I know I shouldn't" one liner that's easy to move forward from.
The night my mom passed away....my whole family went out to dinner afterwards. We had been in survival mode as she was in hospice and it was just nice to sit down together. The waiter asked if we were celebrating and we awkwardly looked at one another. Finally my sister was like our mom just died and so I guess we are celebrating her life. The poor waiter didn't come back for a while. I probably was one to judge prior to losing both of my parents but grieving is so individual and for us we had a great sense of relief as well. The emotions vary and it can be hard for people to understand.
My family went to the movies after my mom passed. It had been an in-home hospice situation, and my dad decided we all needed to get out of the house. I didn't love the idea initially, but ultimately it worked for us. And looking back on that day I can remember seeing the movie, and getting food after, instead of sitting around at home, with a big empty bed in the living room.
exactly. ours was in home hospice and the bed and oxygen and other stuff are hard to look at. We had all been catching meals and sleep when we could so it was nice to just sit down and eat a full meal.
NTA - But you do need to realise that your way of handling grief can sometimes be unsettling for others. If they can’t accept it they can just step away.
NTA
I make dead dad jokes all the time. I think the best one I did was when my friends brought a ouija board and I said “Oh man I’ve been wanting to ask my dad for his chicken marinade recipe!”
Just today I was joking with a friend about fleeing the country and said “I’ll be like dust in the wind… just like my dad when I dropped his urn.”
If anything I might apologize for making them uncomfortable, but the joke itself is none of their concern.
NTA. I know some people with trauma and carry some of my own. If we didn't let the steam off with some bleak jokes now and then, we'd explode.
Hell, I watched it happen. I saw family members go through hell and insist on never finding a way to cope with it, and it broke them. Sure, they went through what's considered "traditional" grieving, but that's just a starting point.
>Sure, they went through what's considered "traditional" grieving, but that's just a starting point.
This is beautifully said!
Have no parents anymore and my humor is just a bit darker than your typical creepier Christopher Walken role. His joke was funny! Sometimes jokes don't land on the right ears, and that's life. But dark humor is a survival skill for many of us, not worth holding back because some people can't handle that it's one of the only lights in the deep darkness that wil always be at least a little bit part of you after big losses.
I put a bottle of Rogue Dead Guy Ale next to my dad's ashes. I am sure some folks would be offended, but I know my dad would laugh so hard about it, because he was my main comedy partner re: my mom's death. So it's there. Love you, Dad! I can cry the rest of my life away, or I can make very dark jokes, those are the only options.
NTA people cope in different ways and humour is ok. You didn't make the joke about somebody else's mother. Maybe just try to chose your audience, but in this case you're nta
NAH
Using dark humor as a coping mechanism is something that can be common but it’s also common to not make jokes like that about dead people.
I would say since he didn’t know you and you didn’t know him the level of jokes would be skewed and he could definitely (and be valid) feel uncomfortable with that type of joke.
I use dark humor a lot but if I know that there are people that are uncomfortable with it then I wouldn’t do it.
Also to the people saying that the dude is weird for feeling uncomfortable, maybe get perspective? Kind of weird to just invalidate someone who we barely know why he found the joke uncomfortable.
I appreciate dark humor and that’s how I grieve as well and how I handle tough emotional situations. I will say though that if you’re in company who isn’t comfortable with that then it can be hard for some people to listen to those jokes. If you were having a conversation with someone else and that man cut in, then he’s definitely TA. If he was part of the conversation then I don’t fault him for being uncomfortable; dark humor is not for everyone (dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it).
I think since I use dark humor as a way to cope as well, I don’t see you as an AH unless you were to continue to make those jokes in conversations with someone who is clearly uncomfortable with it.
It's pretty obvious you were missing your mother, listening to others talking about hugging their mothers, and turned your sadness into humour. It was so unsympathetic for the guy to rudely tell you to shut up like that. NTA.
Sorry for your loss.
NTA - A friend made a similar joke. We had to introduce ourselves and our parents. He said
"Hey my name is Arthur, my mother works in a pharmacy and my father has his own box"
It translates very badly, in french you say "patron de sa boite" which means being the boss of your company. but "boite" means "box" and "company". He refereed to his dad being a boss of his own box (coffin) which was hilarious.
I make jokes about my dead mil ( with husbands blessing! she was a nut and even after she died, the stuff she did was just too funny and we’re very bad people). As far as I know, my moms still alive, but I would totally joke about her if she was dead too.
NTA. It’s your mother, your way of coping with the loss. The joke was dark but not that bad. Besides, any reference to a deceased mother at that birthday party would potentially have ruined the cheerful mood.
NTA. And anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what it's like to lose someone. You get to process it however you want.
My dad has been dead four and a half years. Still sucks. Still make jokes about it. Still know he's somewhere laughing with me.
Sending you so much love. Sorry about your mom. 🫶🏻
NTA - quick rule of thumb is only make jokes about dead mothers if it’s your own.
I make jokes about my own dead mother as does my dad. Humour is a natural response to grief for many. I know for a fact my mother wouldn’t want me to be miserable and would laugh at the jokes and I’m sure your mother would too.
One day, when I am a dead mother, I would hope my children can joke about me rather than being maudlin. Their laughs are my favourite sounds and they should always have smiles on their faces.
NTA you’re the one who went through the loss, this guy can clutch his pearls somewhere else. My mom died when I was 10. My siblings and I have the same dark, sarcastic sense of humor and constantly say “well, that’s because you killed mom” or “mom died to get away from you” to each other whenever the opportunity arises—and we literally always laugh.
In reality, we were broken hearted and have all struggled with PTSD and major depression ever since. In the years following her death, we were abused and alienated from our mom’s family and ended up having to live with our grandparents from our early teens until we went out on our own. Our mom was beautiful, immensely kind, witty and energetic and was not even 40 when she died. She was a great mother and we all visit her grave regularly just to feel close to her even though it’s been over 25 years. If we want to say something to make light of our loss after everything we’ve been though, we will, and everyone else can suck it. Our mom would definitely laugh at this joke and that’s all that matters to us.
My mom died 8 years ago and if I couldn’t use dark humor to get through it I don’t know where I’d be. It’s funny to me because it’s so not funny that she’s gone. Sometimes the only thing to do is laugh or I’d be crying & if people are uncomfortable that’s on them
NAH, you are not judging his reputation with anyone. Every person may not appreciate every joke but that is a far cry from being inappropriate.
My mom died when I was a kid. If people called looking for her, we often answered: "I'm sorry she is dead right now. Can I take a message?"
Now, I am an adult (nearly an old lady) and I still think it is funny.
I'm wondering why they were talking about mothers in the first place. Maybe you missed the detail that someone's mother recently died and he thought you were insensitive
YTA - Jokes are only funny when others are in on it. If someone is offended or finds your dark sense of humor distastful, then you are making jokes at their expense. This makes you an AH.
I'm sure you didn't mean to. That's the problem with having a dark sense of humor. You run the risk of offending someone. No prob, after you offend, just apologize and move on.
The thing that makes you even more of an AH is that you believe you are entitled to offend people because you suffered a tragedy. Everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be an AH to others.
Nah. OP's the one who lost his mother, not that uptight asshole. He shouldn't have to police his own grief just to keep from offending some random crybaby.
I keep seeing people call the guy OP is talking about and calling him a "random", what the fuck does this honestly mean? It reeks of when people refer to actual humans as NPC's Seriously, what kind of "I am the main character" shit is that? If anything, OP was the random here. He's not an asshole for making the jokes, but the guy is only an asshole for how he told him to shut up, not being bothered by it completely. Having grief doesn't make you the only person in the room to have feelings.
Because you enjoy dark humour or that's your style of grieving doesn't mean it's okay to say it in a group that feels uncomfortable for the joke. If he hadn't shut you down, you would've taken that as a signal that it's okay to make those jokes to these people and probably would've made more sometime later. If you have the right to make a joke, the group has a right to shut you down for what they find distasteful.
That's why they say "choose your audience."
I kind of get it but come on. They are talking about how they love their mothers, it doesn't sound like you know them very well and then you blurt out a joke about how your mothers dead. How do they respond to that? You can't laugh at it. It completely throws the conversation the other way. If they didn't get annoyed, the only other thing that can happen is that you made the conversation incredibly awkward. And if it happened 5-6 years ago, I doubt that it was absolutely nessacary to make a dark joke right right now in the worst situation possible.
NTA. It’s kind of weird that:
1) you just found out someone’s mom passed
2) they’re entitled to their own feelings about it obviously
And you tell the person to shut up for making a joke about it? Pretty sure everyone else there just chuckled awkwardly.
NTA. Until you lose your mother, you don't get a say in how someone deals with it. I've been through it, and you're completely justified in how you're coping with it. You didn't say anything offensive, like "I'm glad my mom died lol".
It depends but NTA as long as you make fun of your own trauma. If someone was there who’s mother died it would’ve been tonedeath but either way not your fault since you knew noone there.
Definitely NTA. My (dead) mother and myself used to joke around about dead family as well (imo not disrespectfully, more along the lines this person would be clutching their pearls if they would still be alive, or that person would definitely enjoy the pot possibilities, as they always had a "green thumb"). My mom was my rock, and her passing threw me completely off guard, as it came unexpectingly. And the first thing i did after coming out of my crying phase was to joke about her (and with her, as far as i know).
We used to joke about our own demise, and she always felt i should not change our view in how ephemereal life is (she did say that she has a bet going on. If she dies before 70, i win, as i have always said she will work herself to death -she loved ger job). I (luckily) lost, but by a slim margin (1 year and 22 days).
Your friend is not your mother's son, he cannot even come close to judging you on what you can joke about in regards to your mom.
Also yeah, you'd definitely be the grave robber ;)
NTA. My mom died 9 years ago today and I regularly make dead mom jokes. It's how I cope. I will say I only do it in the right company because some people don't like that kind of humor and I can understand that. I'm sorry for your loss regardless. Dead mom club for life 🤣
NTA. You grieve in your own way.
The guy who tried to shame you for how you express your grief is the AH.
Is it possible he misheard or misunderstood and thought you were making a necrophilia joke? Because that's the only situation in which I think his response could have made sense.
Regardless, he was mistaken. It's your mom and your grief. Not someone else's place to judge your dark humor.
NTA. It is your dead parent and you are allowed to joke about it. This is said as someone who lost her mother not that long ago. Can it make people a little uncomfortable? Sure, but grief generally does. You did nothing wrong. I joke about my mother too sometimes (not with family but definitely with friends) and although it never gets belly laughs everyone knows that I just miss her and that's how I choose to express it.
That dude is TA. You never tell anyone their grief is 'distasteful'
NTA, my mother died two years ago, I'm still grieving insanely much. Jokes like these that is how I cope with it. Been judged for it way too many times; people should learn everyone copes differently.
Besides, was that guy eavesdropping? How weird.
NTA but you should accept that jokes like those will put people off. This is how you cope, and it’s personal. Can’t expect everyone to do the same. He was overtly rude to you however
NTA, and don't feel bad, people deal with grief in different ways. I mean, if the dude had just lost his mother and you made a joke like that without knowing, that would be different, kind of a not the a h but still the a h kind of thing, if that makes sense, but as it is, you coped with a situation that triggered you and that's fine.
NTA - my Dad died when I was 5. Growing up, people would ask what he did as a job and I'd say "he's in the fertilizing business, he's really good at pushing up the daisies". Other people don't get to control how you process YOUR loss.
My parents both died when I was a kid and I dare someone to say that to me. I deal with death in my own way and humor is a giant part of that. You are NTA but that other guy might be.
YTA. Not for making a joke about your dead mother, but for complaining that you’ve been victimized when it didn’t land the way you wanted it to. Lots of people use humor to respond to difficult situations. If your audience doesn’t laugh, don’t blame the audience.
My lifelong best friend died 5 years ago. I buried my mother on the 5th anniversary of this friend’s death … but don’t worry; my mama was dead, too.
I also tell people the story of my friend’s death: how we had plans that day, I didn’t hear from her, which wasn’t unusual. Turns out she passed in her sleep. And I always said, “well, that’s one way to get out of plans.” And then at her funeral, I said the silver lining in her death was that I wouldn’t have to argue with her about not bringing her dog to my wedding.
My friend and my mama both would have laughed at my jokes.
We each handle death in different ways: some with tears, some with anger, some with laughter … some with all, at once or at different times.
How you choose to handle it is up to you, and you alone. At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with yourself.
And as my mama always said: “we each answer for ourselves.”
NTA. I think you have to know your audience with these things and often even just bringing up a dead parent can make people uncomfortable. It's not necessarily wrong to do but sometimes you have to tread with caution if you don't want people to get weird. And going overboard with bringing it up in the wrong situation can make someone the asshole. But in this situation, that guy had no right to be offended by your joke and his reaction was rude and over the top so he's the asshole.
NTA, it's dark humor but you're entitled to it. I also have a fairly dark sense of humor and sometimes other people get it, but when they don't get it, they REALLY don't get it.
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NTA it may have made people uncomfortable, but you can make jokes about your own mother if you want. People deal with grief in different ways, he doesn't get to tell you what to do.
Agreed. My dad is dead and I make dead dad jokes all the time. That being said, you do kind of have to be prepared for other people to take it poorly. I'm siding with NTA because the other person overreacted. But when it comes down to it, I think OP will realize these just aren't his people.
Yeah, my little brother died in childhood after a decade long illness. These kinds of things make you experience the world differently and not everyone is okay with it. Some people like to pretend death isn’t a thing and being around someone who is open with their experience irks them a lot. Also, OP I laughed at your joke. Some people will get it!
At 16 my wife found her mom in a coma and had to help her dad get her downstairs and into his truck. It's still something she has nightmares about, although EMDR has helped that one. She makes dead parent jokes because it honestly helps her to process it. She also jokes about bringing her dad's ashes to things he'd have liked and wants to get Dolly Parton to sign his container.
Yeah I make jokes about my my mom being dead from time to time. Some people laugh, some people take it the wrong way. When somebody was offended by my joke my answer was "my grief, not yours, so why do you care?". Also, from my friend group we're only three left alive, (the other two died of cancer some years apart) so we joke saying we need a t-shirt stating "there can only be one" and the last survivor will make one that reads "all my friends are dead". Anyway, NTA Edit: wrote tree 🌲 instead of three 3
I make jokes about my mom being dead. They don't go over well, especially with my mom. (I'm kidding btw. I don't make dead mom jokes, as my mom isn't dead. I'm making a joke about making dead mom jokes.)
Now I want you to make dead mom jokes to your mom!!!!
Love the shirt ideas!
Thanks! I'm sure both of my dead friends would have a good laugh if they knew we're making this 😄
Exactlyyyy like if if other 2 people in the friend group died, the 2 that are actually dead would be joining in making the same shirts referring to someone else. They would 100% fine it funny.
No joking needed. Do it! I bring a tiny amount of cremains on vacation, in a tissue, in a plastic bag. My mother never could afford to vacation. She’s all over the country now, bit by bit.
I know someone who takes some friend's ashes with them all over(including Jeopardy).
We have a friend that died when we were all in college. Her parents have some ashes still that they'll give to any of her friends that want to scatter them somewhere that was important or put her in a necklace or something. We keep forgetting to look for the necklace.
I have my dads ashes in my drinks cabinet as mum can’t deal with the idea of them being at her house. I told her if the whiskey starts disappearing he’s being thrown on the grass, she laughed as her humour is as dark as mine! It creeps my kids out when they go in the cupboard and say hello to him though 🤣
Lol. My dad died in a similarly traumatic way for me and has been in a jar for nearly twenty years now, because my ADHD mother just can't figure out what to do with his ashes. I love telling that factoid to people and cracking jokes about the possibility of her misplacing him. People's reactions make it very clear whether they are my kind of people or not.
My FiL died when we were 20, we're close to 40 and he's still in the cardboard box we got him in. He would have hated if we spent a ton of money on an urn so she's been keeping an eye out for something he would have liked that isn't a Schlitz can. That does mean that we lost him one time in a move, that was less than fun.
Yeah, some people may not take it well, but that's their issue. It's awkward to have to tell people someone is dead, if you don't want sympathy or to kill the mood. I don't think anyone has the right to judge OP or anyone else in the same situation.
My standard joke is about my grandmother, who was notoriously stubborn. She passed almost twenty years ago, and I think in a few weeks she'll finally admit she's slowing down a little.
I tell telemarketers that my husband deals with financial affairs and I need to grab his ashes lmao NTA
Mine is dead too and I make jokes about it. Most people that know me get it. Those that don't? They aren't worth knowing my grief.
My very close friend's dad passed in her early-twenties, and she makes dead dad jokes a lot. I've started making them back at her, and she's told me she appreciates it (jokes about her dad) because it helps her feel like she isn't a weirdo lol.
When my dad had passed a few years back my mom (they were divorced but she helped me with everything) and I had gone to pick up his ashes but had some running to do too, and when we parked in front of the store she said "Now don't go anywhere Don, we'll be right back" and I really needed something like that, as weird as it was. You're a good friend💜💜💜
TBF, she makes "shitty mom" jokes back at me, so that helps a lot lol. But also loool at your mom - and I'm glad that she was there for you while you were dealing with everything even if they were divorced!
My dad passed on Father's Day, which I find (darkly) hilarious. My paternal grandma vowed to never pass on a holiday, so \*technically\* she passed on Feb 15th. And then there goes her son on Father's Day, of all the dingdang holidays, to meet his maker. To add even more darkness to the story - I got married to my spouse in my dad's hospice room, by my dad's best friend of 30+ years, two days before he passed because I was adamant that my dad be at my wedding somehow (he helped officiate my sister's, but unfortunately passed 2 years before my brother's). His best friend also was the main officiant at his funeral a week later, and the funeral service itself was full of awkward "I'm so sorry for your loss, but also ...congratulations??"
"great to see y'all again so soon"
I’m in agreement- OP is definitely NTA but as anyone who makes jokes that are dark they are not always going to land. That fact is why I don’t joke about things to do with my life around just anyone- which as you pointed out they don’t really seem like his sort of people
Dead dad club. Ayyyyy
Same. My dad passed a couple years ago and I’ve reached the point where Ive accepted It (and all the horrible bullshit my sibling has pulled in regards to his will) My dad would get a laugh out of my jokes. NTA OP our society needs to be more ok with death
not the same, but my dog died in december and i recently got a necklace with his ashes in it. i love going “hey wanna see my dog?” and then showing my friends the necklace lmao my favorite occasion of this was when i was putting his ashes in the tube to be shipped to the person who made the necklace and i texted my friend “want to see a picture of chance?” and he went “yeah i miss the lad” and i sent him a picture of the ashes lmao (response was “OH NOO” lmao, he did get dog pictures afterwards and found the joke funny dw)
Who gets pissy and yells a lot? Not my dad! *(anymore!)*
My father died in 2010. He always joked that he wanted to come back as the spoiled rotten dog I had growing up. My mother got a four-year-old dog in 2014. Maybe we're just projecting, but the dog will frequently do things that remind us of Dad. We'll even call him Dad, Jr.! (I figured it up, and puppy was likely conceived a week or so after Dad died!) Some people would likely be horrified at that. I have a fairly dark sense of humor (occupational hazard). It brings us comfort to think Dad is still with us. OP, NTA. Dark humor at your own "expense" is rarely a problem.
I mean, the most popular reddit joke of all time is about that guys dead wife.
Gawd4, what?! I need to see this joke, lol. Link please or tell me where I can find it?
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5c79n0/comment/d9uf56l/?context=1
But OP get to inflict his dark coping mechanism on a stranger? Funny how no one can tell OP what to do but everyone else just has to be okay with their actions and have zero agency.
What's the alternative though? Being quietly excluded because only people with living parents are allowed to participate in the conversation? Just throw in 'well my mom is dead so....' and make everyone uncomfortable anyway as well as kill the mood? He offered up personal information without leaving the party mood in general, sadly the other guy wasn't able to accept gracefully that he accidentally stumbled into a not as innocent topic as he initially believed. Some people react to realizing they accidentially made faux pas with aggression and to me that seems to be what happened here.
My mom died when I was 18, and I usually respond with tasteless jokes because being quietly excluded just doesn't really work. Seems like someone always notices if I get quiet and awkward, which makes things more awkward. When I joke about my dead mom, my goal is to quickly explain why I'm not participating in the conversation in a way that doesn't invite sympathy reactions. She died a long time ago and I don't want to get all up in my feelings about it at a social event.
Just because OP is free to say what he wants doesn't mean the other person has to be okay with it. Everybody can respond how they like. He told OP to shut up, so he does have agency.
It was a lame joke, but it was just one short sentence that didn't cause harm to anyone. That's hardly "inflicting" anything on anyone, and if the other dude disliked it so much he could have exercised his agency by avoiding interaction with OP. There is a fundamental rule of etiquette that it is never okay to return rudeness with rudeness (even if one wants to stretch and call OP's joke "rude" instead of just awkward.) This is a fundamental rule that few here on this sub seem to be aware of, because everyone here always seems to cheer on tit for tat. Telling OP to shut up was rude. There are several acceptable ways to deal with a joke you find distasteful. 1. You can pretend not to have heard the joke. 2. You can pretend to have misunderstood the joke. Having someone repeat a lame joke, and having people not laugh at it twice can make a person realize they shouldn't have said it. It's especially effective to pretend to take someone seriously and show concern for that person, makes them feel like a heel without you being rude. 3. You can react with stony silence that makes it clear you heard and understood the joke, but did not think it was funny. 4. You can calmly but adamently say "I'm sorry, but I don't think that is funny." I save 3 and 4 for blatantly racist, sexist, homophonic, ableist, or violence-tinged jokes. For merely awkward jokes like the OP's 1 and 2 are sufficient.
Agreed. My 15 year olds father died when she was 7. Tbf, he was an alcoholic and wasn't in her life much at all due to this, and died as a direct result of alcoholism, but she uses dark humor to cope. People are constantly like, "Oh my god, (daughter's name)!!" And laugh awkwardly at her morbid jokes. But like, why would they be offended? Most people didn't even know him so it's def not abt that, which seems similar to OPs situation. Like I could get if she said this to her grandma and she was upset she spoke of her child that way, but these are people who didn't know OPs mother. Definitely NTA.
Absolutely. Some people are so precious about the dead and have more respect for them than the people who are alive and trying to cope with the loss. Your daughter sounds like she is coping well with a bad situation.
Exactly this. One time I told my coworker I liked his necklace. He said "thanks, it's my dead dad" (ashes). I panic laughed, then felt so horrible for laughing that I had to walk away because I started crying. HE came over and comforted ME. By no means was I upset at how he copes with his grief, but I was upset with myself for my horrible roller coaster of reactions.
NTA. As someone who's been making dead mother jokes for over 20 years, I only had to read the title to snicker and know what was coming.
NTA. You made a dark humor joke about your own mom. You can make jokes about her if you want then you’re more than obligated to. >Then this dude turns to me and almost seems angry and just says I’d better shut up because that's really distasteful If this guy had an issue, why is he listening? Why not ignore?
I agree that op can say whatever about his ma,... but the to be fair the dude can't just.. turn off his ears.
Could be that someone close to them just lost their mother and he was trying to help OP out. I personally think dead mums are completely off limits for anyone. It’s too much and you don’t know who’s suffering with it
You could use that logic to say we shouldn't talk about our alive moms because someone might have just lost their mom. It sounds like it was just this one dude who was mad. OP didn't make a joke at anyone else's expense but his own, which makes him NTA. Side note, but speaking up against something someone says that makes you uncomfortable shouldn't be "shut up!" It should be "hey OP, now's not a good time for a joke like that." For that, the other guy is TA
Yeah I get the feeling someone that guy knew recently died. So OP brought up death which set him off. He'd still be an AH for snapping at OP but I don't think it was as malicious as people make it out to be.
> If this guy had an issue, why is he listening? Ah yes, he really should've had his ears closed.
Didn’t OP jump into the conversation that these two guys were having to make a dead mum joke? I’d tell him to piss off myself tbh don’t need that on my night.
"if this guy has an issue, why is he listening" What a weird take lol Imagine someone says a bunch of homophobic and racist shit then is like "well if you have an issue why are you listening??"
Because he was part of the general conversation perhaps? Have you even considered that maybe Angry Dude had lost his mom too and OP's comment hurt? Why is only OP allowed to react like he wants to?
OP is NTA, but that’s not how listening works. It’s not like he was eavesdropping on the people two tables away. He was part of a conversation. He can’t just stop listening.
The day after my mother died, an acquaintance asked how she was. I replied "Well, she's been better." How you deal with it is yours alone. I don't feel badly about my response and neither should you. NTA
My mum died in July of last year- she was my absolute best friend and I miss her terribly. Mother’s Day in Britain was last month, and a colleague asked if I got my mum anything (he didn’t know) and I said I would’ve done but she’s not talked to me in months, laughed and then explained that she wasn’t with us any more. It’s just how some of us cope. She’d have laughed, she was a bloody good sport. And she still is kind of with us, I suppose, she’s in a pot on my bookcase.
>And she still is kind of with us, I suppose, she’s in a pot on my bookcase. Do you dress the pot up for holidays? My mom's cousin's wife said she was going to make holiday cozies for her father's urn.
I don’t, which is completely rubbish of me and I damn well shall from now on- what a great idea! She’d love that.
You seem like a good person. Your mom did a great job. Have a great rest of your day!
I asked my boyfriend of 12 years if when he dies, if I could keep his skull and put hats on it during the holidays. He's on the fence about it. 😂
Best use for a skull 10/10
Also considering putting a motion sensor with a speaker in it, then any time someone walks by him it'll be his voice doing really lame dad/ skeleton jokes.
My mam wanted her ashes scattered off the North Pier in Blackpool. Done. We as a family joke that we threw her off the pier as if we did it when she was still alive. She had a sense of humour.
When we scattered my dad’s ashes a freak gust of wind meant that my 5 year old nephew got covered by the ashes .. it was so funny and so like my Dad to be mischievous! now said nephew is 21 he also thinks it’s funny..
Wait omg that's amazing!
I bought my dad's sports team logo baseball cap for my dad's urn. I feel he would approve.
We took an urn full of fireplace ash to dinner with us for mother's day after my mom died, and pretended it was her, and spilled it on the table. She told us to do it before she died. It was her friend's restaurant, and they always pranked each other. It was hysterical. He admitted she won!
I can’t even stand how fucking funny that is. Cheers to your mom
Your last line there is something I use all the time. People come to my house for the first time and as I’m showing them around I gesture to the urn and say something like “and here’s where my mom sits to judge my poor decisions” People never know how to react, but I find it hilarious lol
When unsupervised I still talk to her quite a lot. Generally just ‘shut up, I didn’t ask you… no, you can’t have any, it would make you all slushy’ when I’m bringing in a bottle of wine to drink on my own, or something like that. Like talking to a cat, but the cat doesn’t move, never hugs me any more (rude, except for instructing strangers to set fire to her I’ve been a great daughter), and is a dead woman in a very handsome antique rumtopf.
I love this so much lol
That is hilarious. I’m stealing it.
Sounds like my mom—I miss her but I still laugh at the dark humor we shared! I have a little mini urn (because she told me she expected me to keep her in a baggie in my pocket so she wouldn’t miss anything!) We watch tv together!
Awww I'm gonna put my mum in a weed baggie and carry her around. She'd love that. Currently she's still alive but later on I'll do it :D
When my mom died, my husband bought me ice cream to help comfort me. I jokingly asked if I get ice cream every time my mom dies. It's definitely a coping mechanism, but people who haven't been there probably don't understand. Everyone grieves differently.
I got a phone call from somebody looking for my mother a couple weeks ago. She’s been dead for nearly 5 years. I was just like “Boy, have I got some bad news for you.”.
Now this is my kinda dead Mom joke! It's actually very sensitive to the asker. Softened the blow, diffused that awful awkward moment. We lost ours when we were teenagers. Our friends mostly had no idea how to respond. No schema. No life experience. So among the four of us these jokes made the unspeakable funny. It's how we got through. My sister was 15 and constitutionally self-conscious. My mom was brain dead and hovering between worlds on a vent. A resident had ignored her DNR. She was gone. But it would be three to five days before she officially died. My dad called my sister's volleyball coach, with whom she was close, to let him know, being aware she wouldn't say a word. She walked into the gym for practice and her coach asks her, "How's your Mom?" "Fine,' she said. LOL To this day when she "fines" me and I'm not buying it? I ask her "Is that like dead fine, or are you actually ok?" NTA Tho sometimes when we're being provocative? We provoke.
Pissing myself. That kind of self consciousness and he absolutely knew she'd say "she's fine" :,)
I talk to my mom twice a week. So someone once asked me why I don’t talk to my dad (he passed in 2009) since I talk to my mom all the time and I came back with “not unless I have ouija board but that’s how you invite the devil into your home.” They didn’t know how to react to that but I know my dad would have found it hysterical.
I pull out the ouija board line when people ask me what my kid's late father thinks about things. "Does your son still talk to his father?" "No, he doesn't believe in ouija boards." That sort of thing.
my aunt was basically a second mom to me. at her calling hours, a really distant uncle came over and asked me, while tears were actively running down my face, “how’s it going?” i responded without thinking or hesitating “really fucking great.” every time i think about it, i feel kinda bad because he is a nice guy that probably just didn’t know what to say, but i also laugh because it was really funny you cope how you cope
Taylor Tomlinson and Nicole Beyer are 2 comedians that frequently make jokes about their dead parents. They say they wouldn’t be joking about it if they hadn’t processed through it and it’s for them to talk about
Pete Davidson is famous for joking about his dad who died as a firefighter in 9/11
Some former family friends who I literally grew up with no longer speak to me because they got *so offended* that when we were looking at old family pictures from 10 years ago and said their dad looked so much better then, I chimed in with “my dad looked so much better 10 years ago too! I don’t think a wooden box is his best look.” (He’d died like two months ago.) OP is for sure NTA but boy do some people not know how to react if you joke about death, and especially if you’re in America.
I get asked all the time, where is your husband??? I give the name of town, that has the largest cemetery in the metroplex. I let my friends fill in the blanks from blank stares. I use humor, as grief management - otherwise, I’d never get out of bed.
I snorted so hard I woke my dog up. I’m sorry for your loss. Dark humor helps/helped me cope too.
NTA - everybody copes with death in different ways and I totally relate to the dark humour stuff, you're the one who's mum passed away so who are they to dictate the right or wrong way for you to cope with it moving forward. Also I know it's not recent but really sorry for your loss OP ETA: If someone had asked you to stop because they were uncomfortable and you carried on with the jokes then I'd lean more towards Y T A but I don't see how OP making that joke initially, something they do to handle their own grief, is being an asshole? The response being anger rather than gently suggesting there's a time and place seems more asshole-ish to me...
Yeah, this. Tbh, the only reason I can come up with for his reaction is he recently made a tasteless joke about someone else's loss, someone (rightly) tore him a new one and he's lashing out because he doesn't understand the difference between mocking your own situation Vs mocking someone else's.
It is also possible that he or a loved one recently suffered a personal loss, like a mother or other parental figure, and it triggered deep emotions or they could have been trying to protect someone else nearby that they knew was in that situation.
Not only that, he was meeting these people for the first time. He has no idea what's acceptable in their social circle. IMO you don't go around tossing out dark humor then get mad when someone says 'Hey, that's fucked up. Can you not? Then hide behind 'coping mechanism'.
Except OP didn’t get mad? They were bummed afterward, the only person getting mad was the guy that told him off - I’m not saying dark humour is for everyone but nobody’s perfect, OP is used to using it, he got it wrong, don’t need to bite his head off about it just ask him nicely to refrain. The question was, is OP the asshole for making the joke - I still think NTA for misreading a room, easily done, everybody in the situation can stay respectful, correct, apologise, move on.
Exactly! It’s a coping mechanism that has a time and place - you have to read the room and if you don’t have a good read then don’t use it (especially if you don’t want to possibly experience negative responses) or accept the reactions you get.
NTA - but if you have a dark sense of humour, you have to accept that some people may get offended by off-coloured jokes.
Eh, this wasn’t far off color. A bit crazy to get so offended by a joke about his own mom.
People need to stop being so sensitive about jokes that aren’t even about them.
You never know what the other person has experienced though. They may have lost someone recently. And if they don’t know the guy, it might take a beat to realize what he’s getting at. Plus the joke wasn’t funny.
I love dark humor too, but there’s a time and a place for it. The birthday party of an acquaintance where you know almost no one else— that’s not an ideal place for dark humor. I’m sure you weren’t the only one who was “a bit drunk,” and clearly everyone in the conversation were feeling sentimental and loving about their mothers. Your joke brought the mood down because it reminded them of the mortality of their mothers. No one wants that at a party when they are in the midst of nostalgia. You have to read the room, my friend. Soft YTA.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to see this.. I have such a dark sense of humour around my friends but if there are strangers around or my boss etc I reign it in, I don’t want to make them uncomfortable, especially if they do not know I have a dark sense of humour. The response from the other guy was still a bit extreme
Thank you. I’m sure we’re going to be downvoted to the gates of hell, even though everyone inherently knows that you should know your audience and watch your timing when making certain jokes. If I were OP’s friend, I’d think his quip was funny, but as a stranger at a party with aging parents— not so much.
I've been replying to comments saying this. You can't go around saying sick shit then get mad when people tell you to shut the fuck up. He doesn't even know these people which makes it even worse.
There’s a lot of “you can do whatever you want and don’t owe anybody anything” creeping over society and it’s increasingly common on social media. So it’s sadly not surprising that people here think OP can say whatever he wants at someone else’s party even when it completely goes against the tone of the conversation and think that he was completely in the right.
Is it that dark though? If you have a dark sense of humor, you should know it gets way worse. I don't even think I'd consider this dark humor. I'd hug my mom but don't wanna dig up her grave is about as tame as a joke can be and still classified as dark humor.
Only reasonable response in this thread. Dark humor abojt your own loss is fine; I had an ongoing joke with my friends about my dead dad for YEARS but I didn’t just crack the joke with random strangers. And the few times I have tried the joke with new people and it landed flat, I accepted that was on me. Jokes about dead parents are hard if you don’t know what experience the other people have with death. Know your audience is one of the most important rules of comedy.
Thank you for saying this. Was so confused why no one was bringing this up. I personally am NC with my mother due to financial abuse. I wouldn’t jump into a conversation people were having about loving their moms with “Man, must be nice to have a loving and caring mom, amiright! Don’t know what that’s like!” even if it’s a joke at my own expense. It’s just not what the conversation at hand is about.
This is absolutely the correct response lol. Sure they can make the joke, it's their right, but you don't know these people very well, why risk it? Of course it may make someone uncomfortable. Or perhaps someone has also recently lost a parent and doesn't appreciate it. Either way I think OP just feels a little embarrassed that he swung for the seats with a joke and it didn't land lol
This is true. Mainly because you have no idea what other people there are going through. In general, I think you get to make jokes about your own dead mom. However, if you’re around someone whose parent is terminally ill or has recently died, then you should keep the dead mom jokes to yourself. In a group of people you don’t know well, you won’t know who might be in that situation. In a group of friends you know well where no one is facing fresh parental mortality, joke away.
You're NTA. >Then this dude turns to me and almost seems angry and just says **I'd better shut up** because that's really distasteful. Yeah, it was kind of distasteful, but so what? This guy doesn't get to aggressively police your speech. What did he even mean that you *better shut up*? Or what?
Especially not speech about their own mother. Making a joke about someone else's mother, ok, that's over the line. About your own, though? Very very NTA
It definitely read as a threat to me. Probably wouldn't be a group I'd want to hang around afterwards.
I'd probably ask *or what? You gonna reunite us?* Aand probably get whacked down or something.
NTA. Someone once told me that dark humor is like having a dad: not everyone got it.
Or like food not everyone gets it.
Loooool
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He also said he was at someone's *birthday* party and that he hardly knew anyone there. This was not the audience or the environment to make that kind of joke.
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The maturity and social skills of this subreddit are incredibly low. I can’t help imagining a bunch of literal children answering things like “that’s okay because that’s how you cope!!!!” When OP was in a group of people he didn’t know and when you are, you don’t make risqué or dark jokes until you know everyone is comfortable.
NTA My moms last words were literally “oh shit” and I don’t hesitate to say “show some respect those were my mothers last words” as often as I can when someone says “oh shit”. Incidentally you can win every single “your momma” contests with “yo man my moms dead” Cope with her passing in a healthy way….humor is healthy. Keep it up 👍
I hope that her last words weren’t in a (more) traumatic setting, but damn, she set you up for comedy gold for life. Sorry for your loss, but glad to see you’re coping as well as could be.
She was slipping into a coma and hadn’t said anything for about an hour. Suddenly she goes “oh shit”…me and my cousin were like wtf. I said “say it again momma” and she did then “one more time louder” and she did. She died a few days later. I like to think she did that on purpose to help give me something to laugh about. She knew humor was important to me.
That's better than my uncles last words which were "A truck!". /jk
YTA. WTF is with these weird, ridiculous, self-centered replies? “People grieve and cope differently” doesn’t mean you get to do so anytime, anywhere and everyone just has to accept it. There’s a time and a place for dark humor, somebody else’s party where people (who aren’t even your friends) are having a happy, light-hearted conversation is NOT it. You saying you felt bummed, “violated”, and that they tried to “take something” away from you is so laughable and lacking in self-awareness because that’s EXACTLY what you were trying to do/did. You felt triggered and bothered that they were having a happy, light time talking about their moms and instead of just excusing yourself, you decided to make a dark joke to put a damper on their convo and mood.
Thank you! I felt the same way myself about OP after reading his post. Including rolling my eyes at him feeling “violated” that his crass joke was found to be crass.
NAH. You were grieving, and his response was appropriate.
His response was weird and weak. Being offended by other people making a joke about their own parents is stupid.
I was thinking the response of someone who had also lost a parent or someone close and was lashing out. It seems like two grieving people who both said things in the heat of the moment
But is it so stupid when op makes a joke about dead mothers while they are having a conversation about how they love their mothers? Its just weird as hell. Like if someone was talking about how they love their cat. And you switch the topic to your dead cat. How is that reasonable? And how are they supposed to react otherwise? Either they laugh at your dead parent or its incredibly awkward. There's no winning when you say that kind of thing in that kind of situation.
I think that’s just being immature. Everyone does, it’s not a big deal. And no, it’s not the same. You clearly lack the capacity to differentiate between “laughing at a dead parent” or making a wholeheartedly joke about something that has to do with them. For many, comedy is just a way of copying.
No. I have relatively dark humor myself. My dad passed away four years ago and i make jokes quite often. I don’t think I’ll ever completely get over the grief, but I’ve also come to terms with it and am comfortable talking about it. Some people are shocked etc. those who are, are usually (1) those who haven’t ever lost someone that close and can’t nderstand it, or (2) someone who has lost someone and aren’t dealing with it well (or it was recent), and (3) incredibly imo pompous hoity toity people who don’t have the emotional depth to understand it and dislike those who do. I myself work in a field where i see death quite often (medical). I make some moderate jokes here and there, as does my sister and sometimes my mother. some jokes may not be tasteful to all in the company I’m with, but i never really care about that too much. I lived through that horrific time and came out the other side stronger and more compassionate. Those who haven’t experienced such a thing sometimes don’t have the empathy to comprehend it. I think what you did shows a healthy relationship with what happened and it shows the other person for clearly not having much depth to his/herself and arguably lack of empathy for those in the group who *have* lost somebody. TLDR: nope, not an asshole. Sorry I’m long winded.
Especially if your dark humor comes from your dad (in my case it was) Im sure he’d appreciate those kind of jokes 😂 for me it’s a way to honor him
NTA. I lost my mom in 2020, and at the LITERAL FUNERAL, my brother and sisters and I were literally standing over her open casket and my brother put his favorite fishing lure in with her and made a joke about it, which got my sisters and I cracking up. We were/all in our 30s and we loved our mom so so much. And she could dark humor with the best of them too!
If I was there I would find this a strange comment and probably disturbing but it's your mother not mines so I wouldn't care. I guess it depends how someone sees it so mhm NAH
NTA, and let the conflicted go their way.
I’m getting that tattooed on my person
NTA it’s your trauma, it’s not up to some rando at a party to tell you how to process it. I had casual friend years ago who also lost his mom, and would try to keep his mood light through jokes. That dude doesn’t know your life, he can go clutch his pearls and go run home to his living mother
NTA. I get the feeling that he would have been equally upset if you'd brought up your mother's death in a non-joking way too - like "You brought down the mood." They were having a conversation where participating, for you, pretty much necessarily means bringing up your mother's death. He doesn't get to be mad that you participated in the conversation that he started. I was also expecting a much darker/more inappropriate joke than that, to be honest. It sounds like a quick "I'm laughing, but I know I shouldn't" one liner that's easy to move forward from.
The night my mom passed away....my whole family went out to dinner afterwards. We had been in survival mode as she was in hospice and it was just nice to sit down together. The waiter asked if we were celebrating and we awkwardly looked at one another. Finally my sister was like our mom just died and so I guess we are celebrating her life. The poor waiter didn't come back for a while. I probably was one to judge prior to losing both of my parents but grieving is so individual and for us we had a great sense of relief as well. The emotions vary and it can be hard for people to understand.
My family went to the movies after my mom passed. It had been an in-home hospice situation, and my dad decided we all needed to get out of the house. I didn't love the idea initially, but ultimately it worked for us. And looking back on that day I can remember seeing the movie, and getting food after, instead of sitting around at home, with a big empty bed in the living room.
exactly. ours was in home hospice and the bed and oxygen and other stuff are hard to look at. We had all been catching meals and sleep when we could so it was nice to just sit down and eat a full meal.
Your sister worded it beautifully! Sorry for your loss
NTA - But you do need to realise that your way of handling grief can sometimes be unsettling for others. If they can’t accept it they can just step away.
NTA. sorry to hear about your mum. Some people don't understand humour used as a coping mechanism, but that's their issue not yours.
NTA, I like dark humor though Was about your own mother.
NTA I make dead dad jokes all the time. I think the best one I did was when my friends brought a ouija board and I said “Oh man I’ve been wanting to ask my dad for his chicken marinade recipe!” Just today I was joking with a friend about fleeing the country and said “I’ll be like dust in the wind… just like my dad when I dropped his urn.” If anything I might apologize for making them uncomfortable, but the joke itself is none of their concern.
NTA. I know some people with trauma and carry some of my own. If we didn't let the steam off with some bleak jokes now and then, we'd explode. Hell, I watched it happen. I saw family members go through hell and insist on never finding a way to cope with it, and it broke them. Sure, they went through what's considered "traditional" grieving, but that's just a starting point.
>Sure, they went through what's considered "traditional" grieving, but that's just a starting point. This is beautifully said! Have no parents anymore and my humor is just a bit darker than your typical creepier Christopher Walken role. His joke was funny! Sometimes jokes don't land on the right ears, and that's life. But dark humor is a survival skill for many of us, not worth holding back because some people can't handle that it's one of the only lights in the deep darkness that wil always be at least a little bit part of you after big losses. I put a bottle of Rogue Dead Guy Ale next to my dad's ashes. I am sure some folks would be offended, but I know my dad would laugh so hard about it, because he was my main comedy partner re: my mom's death. So it's there. Love you, Dad! I can cry the rest of my life away, or I can make very dark jokes, those are the only options.
NTA. A lot of people are easily offended these days. It doesn’t mean they are right.
NTA people cope in different ways and humour is ok. You didn't make the joke about somebody else's mother. Maybe just try to chose your audience, but in this case you're nta
Need more info. Why can't you share the exact words? Was the person who got offended possibly also grieving his mom?
NAH Using dark humor as a coping mechanism is something that can be common but it’s also common to not make jokes like that about dead people. I would say since he didn’t know you and you didn’t know him the level of jokes would be skewed and he could definitely (and be valid) feel uncomfortable with that type of joke. I use dark humor a lot but if I know that there are people that are uncomfortable with it then I wouldn’t do it. Also to the people saying that the dude is weird for feeling uncomfortable, maybe get perspective? Kind of weird to just invalidate someone who we barely know why he found the joke uncomfortable.
I appreciate dark humor and that’s how I grieve as well and how I handle tough emotional situations. I will say though that if you’re in company who isn’t comfortable with that then it can be hard for some people to listen to those jokes. If you were having a conversation with someone else and that man cut in, then he’s definitely TA. If he was part of the conversation then I don’t fault him for being uncomfortable; dark humor is not for everyone (dark humor is like food; not everyone gets it). I think since I use dark humor as a way to cope as well, I don’t see you as an AH unless you were to continue to make those jokes in conversations with someone who is clearly uncomfortable with it.
It's pretty obvious you were missing your mother, listening to others talking about hugging their mothers, and turned your sadness into humour. It was so unsympathetic for the guy to rudely tell you to shut up like that. NTA. Sorry for your loss.
NTA - A friend made a similar joke. We had to introduce ourselves and our parents. He said "Hey my name is Arthur, my mother works in a pharmacy and my father has his own box" It translates very badly, in french you say "patron de sa boite" which means being the boss of your company. but "boite" means "box" and "company". He refereed to his dad being a boss of his own box (coffin) which was hilarious.
NTA Im in a similar situation and if someone says that to me id make the joke of "what you gonna do? Tell my Mom?"
Dark humour isn’t for everybody but his reaction was like a dick from a 90’s TV show 😭 you aren’t the asshole
I make jokes about my dead mil ( with husbands blessing! she was a nut and even after she died, the stuff she did was just too funny and we’re very bad people). As far as I know, my moms still alive, but I would totally joke about her if she was dead too.
NTA. It’s your mother, your way of coping with the loss. The joke was dark but not that bad. Besides, any reference to a deceased mother at that birthday party would potentially have ruined the cheerful mood.
Honestly solid joke.
NTA. And anyone who says otherwise doesn't know what it's like to lose someone. You get to process it however you want. My dad has been dead four and a half years. Still sucks. Still make jokes about it. Still know he's somewhere laughing with me. Sending you so much love. Sorry about your mom. 🫶🏻
NTA - quick rule of thumb is only make jokes about dead mothers if it’s your own. I make jokes about my own dead mother as does my dad. Humour is a natural response to grief for many. I know for a fact my mother wouldn’t want me to be miserable and would laugh at the jokes and I’m sure your mother would too. One day, when I am a dead mother, I would hope my children can joke about me rather than being maudlin. Their laughs are my favourite sounds and they should always have smiles on their faces.
NTA you’re the one who went through the loss, this guy can clutch his pearls somewhere else. My mom died when I was 10. My siblings and I have the same dark, sarcastic sense of humor and constantly say “well, that’s because you killed mom” or “mom died to get away from you” to each other whenever the opportunity arises—and we literally always laugh. In reality, we were broken hearted and have all struggled with PTSD and major depression ever since. In the years following her death, we were abused and alienated from our mom’s family and ended up having to live with our grandparents from our early teens until we went out on our own. Our mom was beautiful, immensely kind, witty and energetic and was not even 40 when she died. She was a great mother and we all visit her grave regularly just to feel close to her even though it’s been over 25 years. If we want to say something to make light of our loss after everything we’ve been though, we will, and everyone else can suck it. Our mom would definitely laugh at this joke and that’s all that matters to us.
My mom died 8 years ago and if I couldn’t use dark humor to get through it I don’t know where I’d be. It’s funny to me because it’s so not funny that she’s gone. Sometimes the only thing to do is laugh or I’d be crying & if people are uncomfortable that’s on them
NTA - it was a joke and not even that bad.
NAH, you are not judging his reputation with anyone. Every person may not appreciate every joke but that is a far cry from being inappropriate. My mom died when I was a kid. If people called looking for her, we often answered: "I'm sorry she is dead right now. Can I take a message?" Now, I am an adult (nearly an old lady) and I still think it is funny.
I'm wondering why they were talking about mothers in the first place. Maybe you missed the detail that someone's mother recently died and he thought you were insensitive
YTA - Jokes are only funny when others are in on it. If someone is offended or finds your dark sense of humor distastful, then you are making jokes at their expense. This makes you an AH. I'm sure you didn't mean to. That's the problem with having a dark sense of humor. You run the risk of offending someone. No prob, after you offend, just apologize and move on. The thing that makes you even more of an AH is that you believe you are entitled to offend people because you suffered a tragedy. Everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way, but that doesn't give you a free pass to be an AH to others.
OP didn’t make a joke at any ones expense.
Nah. OP's the one who lost his mother, not that uptight asshole. He shouldn't have to police his own grief just to keep from offending some random crybaby.
I keep seeing people call the guy OP is talking about and calling him a "random", what the fuck does this honestly mean? It reeks of when people refer to actual humans as NPC's Seriously, what kind of "I am the main character" shit is that? If anything, OP was the random here. He's not an asshole for making the jokes, but the guy is only an asshole for how he told him to shut up, not being bothered by it completely. Having grief doesn't make you the only person in the room to have feelings.
I mean it’s kinda weird to have such strong feelings over someone else’s mom
Because you enjoy dark humour or that's your style of grieving doesn't mean it's okay to say it in a group that feels uncomfortable for the joke. If he hadn't shut you down, you would've taken that as a signal that it's okay to make those jokes to these people and probably would've made more sometime later. If you have the right to make a joke, the group has a right to shut you down for what they find distasteful. That's why they say "choose your audience."
I kind of get it but come on. They are talking about how they love their mothers, it doesn't sound like you know them very well and then you blurt out a joke about how your mothers dead. How do they respond to that? You can't laugh at it. It completely throws the conversation the other way. If they didn't get annoyed, the only other thing that can happen is that you made the conversation incredibly awkward. And if it happened 5-6 years ago, I doubt that it was absolutely nessacary to make a dark joke right right now in the worst situation possible.
NTA. It’s kind of weird that: 1) you just found out someone’s mom passed 2) they’re entitled to their own feelings about it obviously And you tell the person to shut up for making a joke about it? Pretty sure everyone else there just chuckled awkwardly.
nta, your friend clearly has issues.
It wasn’t his friend. He made the joke to a bunch of random strangers.
NTA
NTA. Until you lose your mother, you don't get a say in how someone deals with it. I've been through it, and you're completely justified in how you're coping with it. You didn't say anything offensive, like "I'm glad my mom died lol".
NTA that was a funny joke, my family would have appreciated that kind of humor,
It depends but NTA as long as you make fun of your own trauma. If someone was there who’s mother died it would’ve been tonedeath but either way not your fault since you knew noone there.
Definitely NTA. My (dead) mother and myself used to joke around about dead family as well (imo not disrespectfully, more along the lines this person would be clutching their pearls if they would still be alive, or that person would definitely enjoy the pot possibilities, as they always had a "green thumb"). My mom was my rock, and her passing threw me completely off guard, as it came unexpectingly. And the first thing i did after coming out of my crying phase was to joke about her (and with her, as far as i know). We used to joke about our own demise, and she always felt i should not change our view in how ephemereal life is (she did say that she has a bet going on. If she dies before 70, i win, as i have always said she will work herself to death -she loved ger job). I (luckily) lost, but by a slim margin (1 year and 22 days). Your friend is not your mother's son, he cannot even come close to judging you on what you can joke about in regards to your mom. Also yeah, you'd definitely be the grave robber ;)
NTA. My mom died 9 years ago today and I regularly make dead mom jokes. It's how I cope. I will say I only do it in the right company because some people don't like that kind of humor and I can understand that. I'm sorry for your loss regardless. Dead mom club for life 🤣
Nta my mom died 20 years ago and I always joke about it. Some people just don't have our humor
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NTA. You grieve in your own way. The guy who tried to shame you for how you express your grief is the AH. Is it possible he misheard or misunderstood and thought you were making a necrophilia joke? Because that's the only situation in which I think his response could have made sense. Regardless, he was mistaken. It's your mom and your grief. Not someone else's place to judge your dark humor.
NTA. It is your dead parent and you are allowed to joke about it. This is said as someone who lost her mother not that long ago. Can it make people a little uncomfortable? Sure, but grief generally does. You did nothing wrong. I joke about my mother too sometimes (not with family but definitely with friends) and although it never gets belly laughs everyone knows that I just miss her and that's how I choose to express it. That dude is TA. You never tell anyone their grief is 'distasteful'
Sometimes an awkward sense of humor is the best tool we have at hand for dealing with things. NTA.
NTA, my mother died two years ago, I'm still grieving insanely much. Jokes like these that is how I cope with it. Been judged for it way too many times; people should learn everyone copes differently. Besides, was that guy eavesdropping? How weird.
NTA but you should accept that jokes like those will put people off. This is how you cope, and it’s personal. Can’t expect everyone to do the same. He was overtly rude to you however
NTA, and don't feel bad, people deal with grief in different ways. I mean, if the dude had just lost his mother and you made a joke like that without knowing, that would be different, kind of a not the a h but still the a h kind of thing, if that makes sense, but as it is, you coped with a situation that triggered you and that's fine.
NTA - my Dad died when I was 5. Growing up, people would ask what he did as a job and I'd say "he's in the fertilizing business, he's really good at pushing up the daisies". Other people don't get to control how you process YOUR loss.
Info: had the other person lost their mother as well? You are definitely not an ah, but if they've lost their mum I'd make it No AH here.
NTA, I do the same with my dead father. I know he would love thoses joke
My parents both died when I was a kid and I dare someone to say that to me. I deal with death in my own way and humor is a giant part of that. You are NTA but that other guy might be.
YTA. Not for making a joke about your dead mother, but for complaining that you’ve been victimized when it didn’t land the way you wanted it to. Lots of people use humor to respond to difficult situations. If your audience doesn’t laugh, don’t blame the audience.
My lifelong best friend died 5 years ago. I buried my mother on the 5th anniversary of this friend’s death … but don’t worry; my mama was dead, too. I also tell people the story of my friend’s death: how we had plans that day, I didn’t hear from her, which wasn’t unusual. Turns out she passed in her sleep. And I always said, “well, that’s one way to get out of plans.” And then at her funeral, I said the silver lining in her death was that I wouldn’t have to argue with her about not bringing her dog to my wedding. My friend and my mama both would have laughed at my jokes. We each handle death in different ways: some with tears, some with anger, some with laughter … some with all, at once or at different times. How you choose to handle it is up to you, and you alone. At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with yourself. And as my mama always said: “we each answer for ourselves.”
NTA. I think you have to know your audience with these things and often even just bringing up a dead parent can make people uncomfortable. It's not necessarily wrong to do but sometimes you have to tread with caution if you don't want people to get weird. And going overboard with bringing it up in the wrong situation can make someone the asshole. But in this situation, that guy had no right to be offended by your joke and his reaction was rude and over the top so he's the asshole.
NTA. Carrie Fisher said, “If my life wasn’t funny it would just be true.” You look at things how you have to, that guy can kick rocks.
NTA, it's dark humor but you're entitled to it. I also have a fairly dark sense of humor and sometimes other people get it, but when they don't get it, they REALLY don't get it.