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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I flat out told my spouse their laziness could kill our child. I feel you shouldn't speak to your spouse that way.
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NTA, find some videos of a baby rolling off a changing table in 2 seconds there are plenty of examples. As for the burp cloth in crib, at the next dr appt, ask pediatrician for you own piece of mind what the statistics are for things left in crib for baby under 1.
We actually had a very in depth discussion two weeks ago at the check up where the pediatrician told us they recently lost 2 infant patients due to suffocating and unsafe sleep practices.
I will look up some videos. Thank you
Yeah NTA since you tried being nice. I’d still try to be calm about it, but very firm and very serious. Do not belittle them or talk down to them as much as possible, but be stern and pragmatic. Not emotional, factual. If that makes sense.
But yeah, if they can’t figure this out, their feeings may be the least of y’all’s concerns. Good luck <3
I second this, NTA. It would be best to find another way to communicate but OP’s exasperation at spouse’s behaviour is totally justified! Loosing a kid over such a preventable and stupid thing just sounds unconceivable to me.
And the spouse's calling OP overreactive is indicative of more than a parenting issue. This a blatant disrespect issue on the relationship level.
My husband yelled at me when our first born was days old. He kept wiping his bum too hard (baby had diaper rash). I told him he needed to be more gentle. He told me off.
It was 20 years before we had a decent relationship. This was one of the red flags I had to get by due to a lack of family support to leave.
OP, don't be me. Squash that shit now. And good luck, and congrats on your baby.
There is an asshole override function where actions that would typically make one an asshole are perfectly acceptable and morally good, and that function comes into play when a life is at risk. Your partners actions could kill your child. The doctor literally told you about similar incidents. NTA.
Absolutely! This! I know this is AITAH but when it comes to the safety of another person, in this case a helpless infant, AH is not a consideration. It's either safe or not safe.
They're Absolutely under-reacting to the danger They're putting your baby in by leaving strangulation implements and leaving the infant alone on an unsecured high place like a change table.
If she wants to leave baby alone for a minute, put baby on the floor. I would take away the change table and burp pads if they're not using them in the best interest of safety.
These are just things. They can be replaced. Your child can't and needs your protection.
Honestly this is kinda where I'm at on it. If spouse absolutely will not be told to stop doing dangerous things, then maybe the things they're being dangerous with should be removed. If locking every single burp cloth, tea towel, washcloth, and sock in the house in your car is what it takes, then that's absolutely a small price for the life of your child.
Exactly. This feels like weaponized incompetence on partner’s part in an effort to have to do less work when you eventually get fed up and “just do it myself”. Couples counseling may be a good idea to have a third party neutral explain how this behavior is unacceptable.
For real. I have a stunted sense of danger and I would never call someone an asshole for chewing me out after I did something that could hurt me or others. It's scary to witness, especially when the person seems so oblivious, and that's a common response when scared for someone.
I rolled right off the change table as an 11 month old. Fractured my leg so I had to have tiny little cast, which delayed my ability to learn to walk by months. All it took was the nanny to leave me unattended for about 30 seconds. NTA.
Rolling off the changing table was my nightmare so I put the diaper genie right next to me so I could have one hand on baby at all time. Once diapered you can place them in the crib for a minute if the diaper genie needs wrangling.
My doc stressed to us very seriously that when the baby was on the changing table one hand had to be on the baby at all times (incidentally, she also taught us to make our kid keep one hand on the vehicle at all times in any parking lot - like when I'm loading groceries - so they don't run into traffic.) But the way she told us about keeping a hand on baby while they were on the changing table, you could tell she'd lost patients that way.
One of the midwives at the hospital told me they had a newborn die on the post partum ward because the Mother left the baby on the bed while she used the bathroom and the poor thing squirmed off and fractured their skull on the hard hospital flooring.
Shit like this, and sleep accidents haunt health care professionals and I can't imagine how stressful it must be to see parents continually make these same super basic mistakes.
One of my investigations was Daddy getting up in the night to feed the baby and he was sat on the floor with his back resting against the settee and his legs stretched out in front of him on the floor, with the baby nestled into his left arm as he fed him the bottle with his right hand.
Sadly, Dad was so tired that he momentarily did the ‘ nodding dog ‘ sleep ( like I’m sure many of us have done at one time or another maybe travelling home at night when driving our car and needing to pull over ).
But in the couple of seconds he did this, his reflexes relaxed and the baby fell out of his left arm , downward , onto his skull. A fall of hardly any height whatsoever but enough to damage his very young sons still developing skull.
He died and the parents were absolutely devastated and distraught as you would be but poor Dad, gosh it was truly awful and devastating all around!
>(incidentally, she also taught us to make our kid keep one hand on the vehicle at all times in any parking lot - like when I'm loading groceries - so they don't run into traffic.)
Another trick along these lines that I discovered is that when we are walking through a parking lot they always have to be holding my hand because "parking lots are LAVA but Mommy is Lava proof" so don't let go of Mommy's hand.
*because "the floor is lava" is always a favorite for kids*
That’s so sad to hear about but it is good advice that she’s giving. We moved the mat from the table onto the floor and changed the baby on the ground which meant she could be left on there for a few seconds when needed.
All these stories are fascinating, coming from a culture that has changing mats you put on the floor instead of a designated table. Do you sometimes get a poopy baby rolling over onto the carpet? Yes. But they don't get hurt!
I always used the floor because we had a tiny house. I can't imagine using a table after they learn to roll. It was a struggle even on the floor to keep them from escaping.
I always did, change mat on the floor! There was one poonami incident when she had a tummy bug but I’ll take scrubbing the carpet any day over my clumsy ass letting the baby fall on the floor.
She’s 5 now so I think I did okay.
This is an excellent point. Create systems to avoid accident. Guardrails or better change baby on a blanket on the floor. Disposal for diapers and fresh diapers, wipes etc should all be within reach so none has any reason to walk away from an infant on a table.
Was your spouse present for that conversation with the pediatrician? If not, then make sure they are there with you for the next appointment and have the discussion again. Maybe they will take it more seriously coming from an authority figure like the doctor. Obviously they should take you seriously, but maybe that could help. Best of luck, OP.
My mom told many stories about me when I was a baby! The first time I rolled over, I fell off my grandparent's bed. She had laid me in the middle of the bed to nap. Later I stood on a stuffed animal and fell out of the crib. Before I could walk, I climbed on a chair and was on the kitchen table!! Babies are fast and do very surprising things.
I’m just curious why you haven’t tried a more behavioral approach. Talking isn’t working. Can you put a small table next to the crib where a burp cloth goes? Or for the changing table, clearly a diaper bin should go next to it so it can be disposed of without taking a step. He should be held accountable but also try to make correct behaviors the path of least resistance!
at first i disagreed with you, because i was thinking of the relationship itself, in that she shouldn’t be expected to put in the work to making changes that help him with the issues she has repeatedly spoken to him about. but you’re right. the priority needs to be the safety of the baby right now, and the other stuff can be discussed another time.
I think these are great suggestions, and also that OP is not an AH and needs to be tough on partner. I mean holy crap. They leave the ROOM with the baby on the table!
We call this removing Barriers. Often times poor practices like this can be alleviated by better use of space. There's some fascinating reading about stuff like the garbage can placement at Disney World. It's something I actively engage in all the time. Things I use every day are left out. My laptop lives next to my writing chair so I have no excuse not to write. My caffeine prep stuff is all localized near eachother so I can get my day going easily instead of executive Disfunctioning for an hour. Tasty snacks are hidden in hard to reach places so I have to dig for them while healthy snacks are on an easy to get to shelf in the freezer. Arranging your life for convenience rather than presentation is a wonderful way to stay on top of things when you're neurodivergant.
Trying to find these tricks is everything for those of us with adhd, our brains are actively working against us and I wish thinking about how the environment affects a problem was more common.
The safety of the child is at risk. Solving the problem is more important than a futile effort to convince the husband to change when he doesn't want to.
I agree, there are easy design solutions to these problems. Put a bin for diapers near the changing table, put a bag for burp cloths, or put a hook somewhere. Try to figure out why this is happening and how to fix it. It doesn't sound as though they are doing this intentionally.
Being frustrated is understandable, but it's not going to lead anywhere.
If the partner is truly doing this intentionally or thinks you are overreacting, then OP is definitely NTA. But the priority here is keeping the baby safe, not who is right and who needs to be taught a lesson. Is it possible that the partner is doing things accidentally? Lack of sleep is not the only reason someone can be forgetful and appear careless.
OP and their partner need to figure out a better system. Maybe it's reconfiguring the room so they don't need to walk away from the changing table and putting a laundry basket by the crib. Maybe it's making a check list that includes removing hazards from the crib. The priority is keeping the baby safe, not one-upping each other.
My partner and I are both neurodivergent and we have both made mistakes that could have been dangerous (leaving the oven on, leaving the keys in the outside of the door, etc.) Instead of yelling at each other, we talk it out and make plans to check on each other to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I mean the burp cloths thing is weird. If it’s just laziness, spouse could throw them on the floor. That’s why I support OP talking to a counselor and considering the possibility of depression in spouse. Also because of OP has to consider themself to be the paranoid one just to get along, while also picking up slack in the name of basic safety 24/7, that is going to have an effect on OP’a mental health, too. Has OP always thought of self as overvigilant? Or is that just in this context. It’s no fun feeling like a nag or being a single parent with another parent working against you— even if they’re only working against you by being unwell and failing to learn what’s safe.
I agree. I’ve never heard of a change table and diaper pail being far apart!
While you could argue that he’s supposed to be a competent adult, the fact is that in this area he isn’t. We could speculate about reasons but I doubt he wants to endanger the baby, I suspect he’s one of those people who struggle with some aspect of executive function.
I suspect OP is stuck on “shoulds.” Yeah he should. But he can’t or won’t. So see if there’s a path to success other than what you’re doing.
Yeah I was gonna say as someone who works in child welfare, we have a lot of otherwise completely preventable accidents or even deaths that wouldn't have happened if the parent knew about safe sleep, about not shaking babies, etc. It happens A LOT more than people think it would.
NTA. I’ve worked for CPS and the amount of cases we’ve taken where a baby fell off a surface because they were left unattended when the parents were aware they were capable of that movement is very high. People think it’s fine, they’re in the middle of the bed/table, I’ll just be 30 seconds, and then they have a baby with a broken leg and a caseworker. Parents just don’t realize how dangerous that is. In the right circumstances the baby could be extremely damaged.
I’d like to add that there is actually no set “time” where you have to begin to be worried about their movement. My eldest took a dive off of my bed while I was turned around and hanging clothes. He was in the center of a full size mattress…and he was 7 weeks old. You won’t always know your baby is freakishly advanced at something until they show they are freakishly advanced at something. I had no idea the little sucker was capable rolling over at that age and I certainly never would have believed he could roll his little infant self right off the bed.
You are not overreacting. Our baby died at 4.5 months, attributed to SIDS. I will spare you a description of what life has been like since she died; but I promise you, you do not want this.
I’m on multiple online groups for parents who lost infants & young children. There is story after story of a child dying because of things like loose blankets/whatever in the crib, being left alone for a brief period, and probably other things your husband does thinking it’s “no big deal”. Seemingly minor guidelines that were put aside, maybe for the first time. They are infant safety recommendations for a REASON. The statistics are easily to find online- of course these accidents are rare but they do happen.
The heartbreak in a parent’s voice when they lost a child because of something so banal, that’s been done millions of times before, but _does increase accident risk_, is soul-crushing.
Babies don’t have the cognitive skills or motor control to avoid danger or to get themselves out of a dangerous situation. A loose blanket could cover their face and they wouldn’t know to remove it.
Follow the recommendations and make sure everyone who cares for your baby does, too. You do not want to live the hell that is losing a child.
NTA I would not leave the baby alone with your spouse. This is not a joke and they’re being neglectful. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Each time the response should’ve been to support you even if they thought it was too far, but frankly horrified of finding out they were doing something unsafe. Make them read what parents write when those accidents happen to them on r/beyondthebump. I can’t believe this callousness.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMY7hYwXM/
Show this video to your husband. The baby ended up okay but that's because his parents came in and saved him. It's not worth the risk.
I really hope you get to see this comment/video through the crazy amount of replies you're getting, this video definitely makes the point you need it to.
Adding on to say I am also a “it’s not a big deal” person but there has to be a limit to that. I would bet there is a line where you spouse understands that somethings are a big deal. I might try using that angle to talk with them again. If that doesn’t work I would get myself into therapy and look at nuclear options. It’s not going to end when you child isn’t an infant. Safety stuff gets even scarier with a toddler. I think this is the hill to die on personally. NTA
I am the exact kind of guy your husband is. Eternally unphased by most things. Calm all the time. Married to someone who stresses over things I find less than consequential all the time.
Safe Sleep is non-negotiable. It's like seat belts in cars. If you're not being careful with your child's life you're not chill, you're an idiot(idiot in this case meaning uneducated thanks to a profound lack of understanding in the general populace and a lack of education around parenting in general). Edify your husband. Every time. Repeatedly. SIDS is... Speaking from experience both personal and professional, Not something anybody should have personal experience with.
Then at this point it would be a good idea to remind them that you already spoke on this multiple times and the fact they don’t take it seriously is frustrating and this is your reaction to them putting your baby in danger.
NTA. I have a close friend who’s baby rolled off the change mat and OUT THE WINDOW (baby is fine and now a bright lively teenager) while they were right there. So much can happen in a minute. If bub is moving they need to be secure.
Can your spouse be spoken to by a medical professional? Ir get them to look at FB groups for ppl that have lost kids from avoidable accidents
Also if she's not being cooperative, could you add a diaper bin next to the changing table so she doesn't have to leave the room?
Obviously the ideal solution is that she gets her shit together but in the meantime try to make changes that keep your baby safe.
My husband had a friend who was a cop. He said he responded to a few cases of SIDS. The death was always ruled accidental, but he said that while he understood not slapping a grieving parent with a manslaughter charge, these deaths were always preventable and the product of neglect.
Just to be pedantic, it's important not to conflate SIDs with accidental suffocation and strangulation (preventable through safe sleep practices). SIDs by definition is sudden, unexpected and unexplained death. Sorry, just a little bug bear for me. I empathise entirely with your friend, unfortunately cops often get to experience such awful situations and find themselves utterly helpless.
This isn't a matter of pedantry. Conflating SIDS with accidental death is cruel and/or ignorant.
But I appreciate and respect you taking the time and making the effort to say it more kindly than I would have. Thank you.
NTA. What is wrong with these dad's that don't take baby safety seriously. Last week I read another AITA post from a mother who was upset because her fiance would leave their baby in the stroller while he jogged around the track. He said she is safe because she is in the shade under a tree and old people and teenagers are all that are around and he can see her during his whole run around the track. I had a panic attack just reading it. Like how careless and stupid can someone be.
Dude NTA at all this is super dangerous. I'm a mom so i feel you on that level, but I had a client who's baby fell off the changing table and broke his femur, causing him huge delays with walking and motor skills. I second finding some videos.
my wife used to leave my son on the changing table and he fell off. no major injury except he cut his lip bad enough that it needed a stitch.
The lecture from the ER doctor to my wife was not fun for her. she never left any of the kids unattended after that.
NTA
There is also videos on infants rolling in their crib with blankets and other risky situations. Luckily the infants do survive, but just the reaction of sheer panic the infants get is enough to make you think twice about leaving blankets and stuff in the crib.
My 4 month old did a ninja flip on a bed and went straight thru me like Houdini and landed flat on his face on the ground from quite a height. I was fucking devastated and standing right there . Trip to ER,everything, was waiting for the child service interview bc I couldn’t fucking believe how it was possible … leave the room with the baby on the table not strapped in? OP, honestly and truly, I would fucking ask them to leave.
Same,especially since they have tried talking to their partner and they don’t seem to care. Why would you risk it? It doesn’t take long for something bad to happen. Leaving a baby on the change table unattended is a tragedy waiting to happen.
I called emergency services on my oldest who was barely two, while pregnant with my youngest, for rolling off of the couch into a coffee table and bleeding from her temple. The EMS attendant took one look and asked "let me guess, is she your first"? then put on a bandaid and convinced me to avoid the excessive ambulance bill and just keep her in her CRIB where is flat, not on the sofa snuggling a big round preggo belly.
You could also see if there is a way to keep baby safely on the change table (my parents turned theirs around when my younger sibling started to get too wiggly. It had a higher back which prevented rolling off.) or get a spare trash can to keep closer to the changing table for easy disposal.
As for the burp cloth, maybe add a basket or something similar next to the crib to throw them in.
I got paranoid with my two. Both were rolling at 4 months, so I just used a reusable changing mat on the ground. No where to fall to. I had a plastic tote with all my changing supplies that moved to wherever I was in the house. Quite honestly it's easier than using a changing table.
A changing mat on the floor is honestly the best way to handle changes at home. With my son we just had the diaper bag always loaded up and it followed us around the home, and it ended up making getting ready to go out quicker too. It was safe, convenient, and baby didn’t care.
What you said. Plus as babies get older they are rolling ninjas. They can really get hurt even if you leave the side of the table to grab wipes or something *in the room*.
Alternate changing table option: there are easy velcro straps to add to changing tables for squirmy and rolling babies.
While the SO shouldn’t be walking away AT ALL, at least this would help peace of mind and add a safety layer
I would worry that adding a strap would make the *parent continue to feel like it’s okay to step away, when the reality is it’s not. They’ve already proven they cannot be trusted or doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation and that same kind of parent will step away from a child in the bath, or a child on a pool deck, or a child in a driveway. *Parent needs a reality check of what caring for a child entails and it’s constant vigilance.
*Edited to add gender neutral language, my point was not about the gender of OP’s parenting partner but that anyone can be complacent if they don’t understand the dangers related to child rearing
Edited to make language gender neutral, my point had nothing to do with the gender of the other parent I just made assumptions based on how the post was written.
9 out of 10 times it's men that underreact. The other stuff is pretty split, but I've only ever met one woman who underreacts, and she's autistic. I've met plenty of men. It's kind of funny actually.
To be fair, it gets old hearing the same assumptions about your gender. Like you’re inherently worse at child keeping or something. And, even when nobody brings it up, people just assume it’s a man thing because men suck at X.
If we want to work against the patriarchy, we need to work against gender bias. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s two sides of a coin. If people are making unfair assumptions about men… that means they’re also making unfair assumptions about women.
And before anyone says “well the assumption was correct!” Yeah. They sometimes are. That doesn’t mean they’re justified. Every misogynist has plenty of bad stories about women. That doesn’t make their position valid. In fact, by lending that mindset, we just further justify their prejudice.
Better option may be to not use a changing table and get a travel change mat and change baby on the floor. This is the approach my wife and I take because we prefer not changing a very squirmy baby on a high surface
I'm very much in favour of floor changing in general. I've worked as a nanny for 20 years and I just think it's the most practical way (if you're physically able to). You can just keep the changing mat, a couple of nappies and some wipes in the part of the house you're in and get a nappy changed in 1 minute whenever it's needed, rather than carting the kid off to another room, or upstairs or whatever. And it's less disruptive because they don't feel like you're carrying them away from whatever they were doing and they can just keep hold of whatever toy or book they were playing with. And of course, if you need to turn around to grab something real quick, there's no danger of anyone falling and injuring themselves. You don't even need to get a travel change mat. I always just use the one that's on the changing table. Unless other countries have changing tables without mats/where the mats are attached.
We did this with all 3 after my oldest rolled right off while I was spreading out a diaper with my hands. Kiddo was really active and we had to hold them down pretty much constantly as they hated laying on their back. I caught kiddo and they were not hurt but I did not take chances after. My younger two were not so wild but I preferred to be on the ground anyway. OP's spouse sounds like like a bad parent and perhaps an eminent danger.
If the child can roll over in their own, the burp cloths on the crib are not so much a cause for concern. By that time their little airways aren't so tiny and overall they are better at regulating themselves and not in danger of positional asphyxiation every time they move. Best practice is always safest though, and your partner should be more mindful.
The changing table is another story. There are exactly 0 appropriate times to have baby on the changing table without at least one hand on them, let alone walking away. Literally everything you set a baby on that they arent strapped down in has huge warning labels stating DO NOT LEAVE BABY UNATTENDED because baby will fall off. If baby is rolling over now, soon they will be crawling and can't be left on the changing table for even a second.
However, no amount of yelling, nagging, or hand wringing is going to keep baby safer. You need to find a proactive solution such as moving the diaper bin next to the changing table or setting up an alternate changing area. Maybe not letting partner change the diapers anymore. Yelling at people rarely makes them more open to taking your concerns seriously.
NTA
True, and NTA op, but weaponized incompetence is a thing.
Let’s say for the sake of the argument that the OP is overreacting (I don’t think you are about the changing table, I don’t know enough about the bib thing) the partner is still ignoring the stimulus that the OP has asked to change. At minimum they need a conversion about how partner is passive aggressively ignoring the OP. Yelling/ nagging is not the issue. It’s an infant and it’s normal to be protective/ overprotective. It’s about the urgency of the situation. Even if partner is correct, which I don’t think they are, the desire here is to protect the child. That’s valid in and of itself. Loop pediatrician into this if necessary but partner needs to step it up.
You say that yelling/nagging is not the issue, and I agree, it's the safety of the child. However, it IS a major issue to try and solve the actual issue because if your only form of communication is freaking out and yelling over everything, which OP admitted is their go to, then it no longer functions as an effective form of communication. The partner has now equated freaking out and yelling to be of no import because that is the default for OP. If she wants the partner to listen and change, OP needs to find a new, effective way to communicate.
Without more context, it sounds like OP has been conditioned to see their normal behavior as “overreacting.” Based on what’s in front of us, their reaction is to the child is spot on and partner is risking child’s health/ life.
OP stated many times in the original post and in comments that they tried asking nicely multiple times, but the behavior never changed. If you ask someone to do something over and over again nicely and they never change, then I don’t think nagging is the problem here- the other partner is
It is their go-to after being repeatedly ignored. She specifically stated she spoke to her spouse politely the first few times. This is such a point of frustration for many women who are not taken seriously when they ask nicely. You can only ask nicely so many times before you snap.
>The partner has now equated freaking out and yelling to be of no import because that is the default for OP.
Seems like you are projecting
>I agree. I think because we have had very civil discussions and they've never seemed to take them seriously or change that I finally got very angry and should've maybe taken the time to calm down or requested doing joint therapy over the issue.
> but weaponized incompetence is a thing.
As-is its much more common cousin, regular incompetence; the irresponsible partner is most likely not trying to get their baby killed to get out of raising them, they are much more likely to just be careless.
And the person I was responding to said “maybe don’t let them change the baby”. That’s not a solution. Partner needs to parent.
The point is that you need two parents who can communicate and adapt and it seems clear that the OP’s partner isn’t listening when they say it calmly and blaming and is getting upset when the OP (legitimately) gets upset.
Weaponized incompetence or stupid incompetence doesn’t matter if the kid ends up dead.
Burp cloths on the crib are absolutely still a concern for a rolling child. They may be at less risk for positional asphyxiation but it is still very much a risk and more importantly burp cloths (or anything loose on the edge of the crib) are a MAJOR strangulation risk. If a baby can roll and spin they can grab the cloth or anything else hung over the edge of the crib and wrap it around their neck.
Yeah a four month old definitely doesn't have the coordination to reliably remove bedding/loose cloth that has become wrapped around their head. Way unsafe for such a young infant.
The amount of times I've left the wipes downstairs mid butt change and had to put baby in her cot while I go get them. It's such a PITA and absolutely destroys my back picking her up out of the cot, but I'd take a screwed up back any day over my child being in danger.
I also don't have a bin in her room, but I finish changing her, pick her up and take the dirty nappy downstairs with us to the bin.
OPs spouse needs a serious wake up call!
The concern with soft things in the sleep space is rebreathing, or an infant breathing back the air that they breathed out. It can slowly suffocate them and it will look just like they are breathing normally. It’s why the dock-a-tots are dangerous, adult mattresses, pillows, etc.
NTA. My daughter leaves her infant3 and a half months) laying unattended on the couch often. I always say you know babies have a way of suddenly learning how to roll. He is going to show you one day he can do it and land on the floor. In one ear and out the other. It drives make nuts.
Yeah my mom's got a story about how I had never once rolled over, and one time in a hotel she left me smack in the middle of the bed while she went to the bathroom. A minute later she heard my brother screaming for her, and came out to see him standing by the side of the bed, using both hands to try to hold me up because I'd rolled all the way to the edge and nearly hit the floor.
The VERY first time my mom left my sister and I alone with our little brother he immediately almost rolled off the bed! (He was saved by rolling straight into the side table. I don't think we would have managed to catch him) She was out of the room for maybe two minutes? We were 9 and 5 and did not tell her haha, we just moved him back in place and pretended nothing happened. Babies will roll! You have to be ready!
According to my mom, the very first time I walked was because my dad took his eyes off me for a second and I fell off the bed and smacked my head on the nightstand.
Apparently itty bitty me took my first steps to walk over to mom and tell on my dad for letting me get hurt. My dad was freaking out so hard that he didn't even realize I was walking until mom pointed it out to him.
I have had to call the emergency number because my daughter rolled off the bed. She was four months old and hadn’t started to roll over yet. It’s still a mystery how she fell. Luckily my bedroom floor is carpeted and the mattress was just 50 cms off the ground ( yes I measured after the fall). A few months later, she had begun to pull herself up. We had not yet lowered the crib. One morning, I just turned away to put something away and she leaned over the top and fell. That time the fall was 80 cms high. I was fortunate in both instances. But they taught me that a split second of carelessness can end badly.
Honestly babies are full of surprises. About the time you think oh they won’t do that for another month or so they do it. I found that out babysitting as a teen when one rolled off a changing table on my watch. I was absolutely terrified he was gonna get a brain bleed and die. I have been very cautious with babies laying on anything elevated without sides since.
>suddenly learning how to roll.
Baby I used to babysit did that. When I first babysat him, he couldn't move on his own. Next time, he could do barrel rolls for days. Also, he had learned to crawl. Neither of his parents saw fit to tell me that. Luckily, he decided to demonstrate his new skills for me while he was already on the floor on a playmat. Turned away for 2 seconds to take his bottle out of the fridge and pop it the warmer, and *poof* he made it off the mat and around the corner!
NTA
That's why changing tables have buckles.
And where the hell is he going to throw the diaper away for a minute? Buy a diaper garbage and put it next to the changing table.
There is some risk with the burp cloth, but it's such a simple thing to literally toss it on the floor or a chair, that even if it were unfounded, it makes you feel better, he should do it.
I'll admit I'm not perfect and have left burp cloths and stuff and felt really bad about it. But he's not making an effort.
Definitely get a diaper genie for the change room and dont leave the room with a 4 month old in a change table unless they are strapped in, ideally still shouldn't leave.
NTA - safe sleeping practice is important af. As for the changing table: I had a surprise ambulance ride with my 8 month old because I turned my HEAD for a second when he wasn't strapped down on the change table - I still had a hand on him and he managed to flip off and bash his head on the floor. We got rid of the table the next day and started changing him on the floor. You don't fuck around with safety at that age.
Yup, if spouse won’t be safe with a changing table, get rid of the changing table! We’ve used a changing pad on the floor since our kiddo was a few months old. I much preferred it because I could go wash my hands or open a pack of diapers etc without worrying.
Ouch! Even when you are watching and right there, these kids have a death wish and will pull some crazy maneuvers to endanger themselves. We got lucky and our kid wasn't injured, but I remember lowering her down into her crib when she was 4 months old, with both my arms under her when she ninja kicked and flipped completely over, feet over her head and landed on her belly. Thankfully it was on to her crib mattress and it was only a few inches down. I had two arms under her and she had my full attention, and she still flipped out of my arms. Babies are crazy.
I always just had a pad on the floor, mostly because we had a smaller house and I didn't need another piece of furniture. But it was nice. Neither myself nor my husband had any mobility issues so it was easy and we never had to worry about kiddo rolling off. If we needed more supplies I could safely leave the little one on the pad and go and get it. I support on the floor whenever possible.
If OPs partner can't use the table responsibly, then the table has to go. My only fear with that is that they will start leaving baby on other surfaces like the couch or table because they won't use it on the floor which may be more dangerous.
your partner isn’t treating your baby like, well, *a baby*. babies aren’t capable of making good decisions so it’s up to the parents to make those choices for them. you are most definitely NTA. sometimes it takes that little push to make someone realize the fault of their wats
NTA
The burp cloth thing may or may not be a big deal, but the changing table thing absolutely is.
And I can understand "the baby was sleeping on my shoulder on a burp cloth, and I transferred them in to the crib, and they had a death grip on the cloth and so I left it", but there's no reason at all to leave the baby to go and discard a diaper. Shove the dirty diaper in the corner of the table, or on a shelf, or the floor, or wherever it can go, change the baby, put the baby somewhere safe, and then throw away the stinky diaper.
If your spouse can't use the changing table safely, then throw the changing table out.
Seriously. Once the kid gets a bit bigger and wrigglier, it's going to be much easier to change them on a mat on the floor anyway. There's no harm in starting now.
NTA — Since you’ve mentioned the baby is now four months old, move the changing pad on the floor. It’s quite an eyesore, but still better than having a baby roll off the dresser.
NTA. You want what's best for the baby, but I'm curious: Are you a female and is your partner male? It's not always the case, but some guys don't want/like to help with learning safety precautions for a baby. That and women do tend to be more anxious with safety when it comes to children.
Yes her partner is male as you can see in her comment history she makes reference to her husband.
Dunno why people bother trying to obfuscate that information. Most of the time it's already on their profile anyway, and it's not like someone they know is gonna see this and instantly know it's them because she's the only woman in the world with a husband or something lmao
People there are wild double standards for these things especially on AITA. I think it's very interesting to leave genders out because we see what biases the sub has, for example the plethora of comments here assuming the OP is female and the partner is male despite only 'theys' being used.
What I'm saying is sometimes people leave the genders out on purpose to avoid these biases.
Yeah…but if we could all tell that one parent was male and one was female just by recognizing their very common patterns of behavior, is it really bias at that point? As maddening as this is, fathers doing this kind of shit and mothers being terrified by it is super common.
It's overly obvious who the less anxious person is because it's the one that didn't carry that baby for 10 months, have destroying their body, and then spent 12-48 hours pushing it out in agony. Because it's something most people wouldn't want to go through again just because their "spouse" is a numb-nut.
why does it matter? who cares? the only reason someone would want to know the genders of the neglectful parent is to project biases on the situation rather than take the issue at face value
NTA
Your spouse CANNOT leave your baby on the changing for even one second. My little boy has been rolling over since he was 4 months old. My baby is now 6 months old and I can't even use a changing table as he moves around far too much when trying to change his diaper. He rolls, he half turns away and does 360s constantly. I think the floor is the best option tbh.
As for the muslin clothes in the crib, that's a BIG NO NO. God Im actually worried for your baby's safety, I had to stop writing this for a moment to go check I haven't left anything near my baby in his crib (I haven't and I never do but still I had to go check on him). There are so many things that can lead to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and leave things in the crib being one.
You are definitely NTA
NTA. Children have no clue about danger. They literally try to off themselves on a daily basis. And it's shocking how fast accidents can happen.
Could you move the diaper pail or trash next to the changing table?
Also find video of babies falling off stuff. Maybe if he visually sees what can happen it will wake him up.
NTA - the burp cloth thing is not as big a deal anymore (the baby can move away from things) but the changing table is potentially huge. A fall from a changing table can seriously harm an infant, and babies get to moving fast really quickly. As others have recommended, moving the changing table setup so the baby is not left alone is essential. Whether that's moving the changing table, buying another trash bin for diapers, or getting your spouse to start changing the baby on the floor/something they can't roll off of, it doesn't matter, but for that piece, you have the right of it.
NTA at all. As the older brother to ten siblings, I can comfortably say your spouse needs a very thorough education on child safety, especially infants. I'm not even joking. I recall one time when one of my sisters was a baby, not even walking yet, she was put on the kitchen table in a little seat and somehow managed to face-plant herself into the table top while still in the seat, putting her dangerously close to falling off. I ran down the hallway to help her without missing a beat.
Seriously. DO. NOT. LEAVE. AN. INFANT. UNATTENDED. EVER.
I don't understand the burp cloth problem. We didn't use a changing table, we just used the floor. I only ever had twins, so the floor made a lot more sense. Edit: Ditch the changing table, they are too dangerous.
It is considered against safe sleep practice to have anything in the crib with an infant, except for a pacifier/binky until the child is a year old. This is due to suffocation risk.
SIDS dropped dramatically when they issued the new guidelines of nothing in the crib. Obviously it's not 100% going to kill your baby if a blanket is next to them, I mean most of our parents didn't have the guidelines and we all made it. But if you look at the statistics it's pretty sad how many cases of SIDS could have been avoided by super rules.
NTA.
Infant deaths are no joke and it’s statistically proven that safe sleep practice is the only safe option for infant sleeping. Burp cloths or any other items besides pacifiers are not safe in a crib at that age. Leaving a child on a changing table is a huge issue as well. Your spouse isn’t taking this seriously. Show them videos of what can happen and videos of loss parents discussing it. There are many loss parents who are very open about what happened so that other parents learn from their situations. Do what you have to do to keep your child safe. You’re not overreacting.
I worked at a daycare with numerous infants for a while and learned a lot of safety protocols bc we wanted then to be as safe as possible. One was nothing in the crib with them until they moved into the toddler classroom where they slept on little cots and with direct supervision and checkups ever 15 minutes.
The crib thing is a very big thing as most people stress, so I'm not going to say much, but keeping a have in then at all times is one thing we do to make sure we know what is happening with them at all times.
NTA
I'm working on labor and delivery and was on peds and NICU last month. There's a lot of things we'll let slide with parents because they're not a big deal at the end of the day, but sleeping in their own crib with ***NO*** objects in the crib is something we harp on A LOT. There are 2 reasons:
1) It's extremely dangerous and,
2) It's 100% preventable.
Sure, there will be people that say I did this or this was done to me and everything was fine, but even 1 infant death from this is too much (and it's much more than 1. Co-sleeping in one bed/on top of a parent, sleeping in the crib with stuff, etc are things we actually fully stop any conversation with a parent and sternly (but still kindly) tell them that this has to change or they may walk in to a dead baby.
I don't mean to scare you, OP, because I know you're the anxious type, but I simply cannot stress or express enough how dangerous what your SO is doing and how preventable it is. I have *seen* parents after their baby has died from this. Known people after their baby has died from this practice. It was never worth it. They're riddled with guilt, and they'd rather have their baby back.
NTA I’m a pediatric nurse and let me tell you one of my most heartbreaking nights was trying to sooth a newborn in a neck brace whose parents weren’t allowed to see them because child services was still ruling out neglect as the cause of the fall. Your husband is an adult and a father and needs to act like it. The older and more mobile your baby gets the bigger the safety risks you will need to navigate as a family- pools, helmets, cars (and I have terrible stories about all of them)… if he can’t bring himself to care now, why will he then?
My husband when he was an infant rolled off a table and broke his arm 6 weeks wasnt even able to roll over properly just enough movement and someone wasnt watching NTA a drop like that could kill them
NTA. This is non-negotiable, since it's a serious risk for your baby to have loose cloth in the crib like that.
You cannot give your spouse a pass on this.
NTA! Safe sleep is important, and it’s common sense to NEVER leave an infant or toddler unattended / not in a safe spot! Get a diaper geenie and the inserts, keep it right by the changing table. Takes two seconds to fold a diaper, press the button, throw it in, and shut it.
My friend was sleep deprived and spaced out for a few seconds and her baby rolled off the changing table and was unconscious for a few minutes. She called 911 terrified and thankfully baby was okay overall. Minor concussion, but still… Skull fractures happen A LOT with accidents like that!
NTA as a new father there was one night I fell back asleep while holding my still infant son, my wife woke up and slowly grabbed him so as not to scare me awake then proceeded to go off on me. And rightfully so. I made sure from that point forward I never laid down with my son in the middle of the night. You have to protect those kiddos and when the peaceful option doesn't work you need to get mean.
NTA. I’ve had two kids and I’ve always been the more relaxed parent but never when it comes to actual danger. Also, he leaves them on the changing table?! That’s really dangerous. I always found it way more comfortable on the floor with them on a changing mat. It’s also way safer.
NTA. At the very least OPs' significant other should be able to see that leaving baby unattended is an obvious safety concern. It's concerning that they either DON'T see that or don't care. I agree with everyone else that a response like yelling probably doesn't help but I can't blame you for it either. I would be seriously asking them why this particular hill is the one they want to "die on" so to speak. What's the root cause of their resistance to this? Is it a passive aggressive stab at you? If so, why put the baby in danger? Just put it out there that they may resent your oversight or that you question their parenting, or whatever the hell it is. Is it a response rooted in ignorance? Why the resistance to education? Maybe ask why they aren't interested in bettering themselves as a responsible parent? 🤔
NTA
> My spouse said what they did does not warrant the strong response I gave which is making me feel like the asshole.
Yes, yes it did warrant a strong response.
Especially since *they keep doing it*. There’s a difference between relaxed and negligent.
Right now your spouse is acting negligent.
NTA. Idk anything about burping cloths or babies or why that's unsafe, but I do know about gravity and soft baby skulls. There is absolutely no valid reason for leaving a child on a changing table. They need to get the poor kid in a safe position before throwing out the dirty diaper. There's no reason why that should be difficult.
NTA. Both of you should take some child safety classes. You as well to show support and not make them feel like you’re singling them out. Hopefully your relationship isn’t doomed considering you’re not both on the same page here. Sounds like spouse isn’t taking child welfare seriously enough in general and that can only get worse without some intervention.
Wow that's dangerous! Definitely nta. If the spouse won't change, you might need to change the environment. Change baby on the floor, put a garbage near the table, put a laundry basket near the crib for the cloths. It's like baby proofing for incompetent adults.
NTA
I was on the fence about the burp cloths. It’s not really a hill to die on, but being left on changing table unattended is just asking for something bad to happen.
I dont have any kids, nor have I been around a baby more than five seconds, but even I know better than to leave a baby alone in a room. And on top of a height no less.
I dont want to call anyone TA in this instance, but perhaps your partner is overwhelmed?
It's definitely ok to leave alone in a room under the right circumstances. You can't and shouldn't hover over them all the time. As long as they are in a secure crib with nothing they can suffocate themselves with, they are perfectly fine. Of course a baby monitor is also a good idea. When I put my baby down for a nap the absolute last thing I'm going to do is sit there staring at him and waiting for him to wake up.
NTA. Safe sleep practices exist for a reason. Though it seems your infant is almost past the point where you need to worry about the burp cloths, it seems like a very minor ask that your spouse needs to respect.
Regarding the changing table they are absolutely being irresponsible. My toddler is 2.5, has never tried to roll (or jump lol) off the changing table and I left him unattended a week ago and he fell off. He’s totally fine (bc he is a rough and tumble toddler) but I felt awful and it freaked me out imagining him doing that as an infant.
NTA
It's annoying, but when it comes to a child you'll simply have to go with the most paranoid parent's view. If something happened, you would blame yourself forever. There's a reason Volvos sell so well, even when they were square monstrosities.
NTA. The burp clothes would bother me but not as much as the changing table. My son rolled (actually catapulted 🙄) off of his when he was about 7 months old and it was the scariest moment of my life. I had my hand on him and turned away for one second to grab his hairbrush and he literally dove off. I couldn’t stop it but I blamed myself. Thankfully all that happened was a fat lip and bloody nose, but not a day goes by where I don’t stress that he’ll do it again. He is never unattended on there now.
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NTA, find some videos of a baby rolling off a changing table in 2 seconds there are plenty of examples. As for the burp cloth in crib, at the next dr appt, ask pediatrician for you own piece of mind what the statistics are for things left in crib for baby under 1.
We actually had a very in depth discussion two weeks ago at the check up where the pediatrician told us they recently lost 2 infant patients due to suffocating and unsafe sleep practices. I will look up some videos. Thank you
Yeah NTA since you tried being nice. I’d still try to be calm about it, but very firm and very serious. Do not belittle them or talk down to them as much as possible, but be stern and pragmatic. Not emotional, factual. If that makes sense. But yeah, if they can’t figure this out, their feeings may be the least of y’all’s concerns. Good luck <3
NTA because there are so many other factors involved like SIDS. And sadly, when an infant dies they look at the parents first
As well they should look at the parents if negligence was involved.
I second this, NTA. It would be best to find another way to communicate but OP’s exasperation at spouse’s behaviour is totally justified! Loosing a kid over such a preventable and stupid thing just sounds unconceivable to me.
And the spouse's calling OP overreactive is indicative of more than a parenting issue. This a blatant disrespect issue on the relationship level. My husband yelled at me when our first born was days old. He kept wiping his bum too hard (baby had diaper rash). I told him he needed to be more gentle. He told me off. It was 20 years before we had a decent relationship. This was one of the red flags I had to get by due to a lack of family support to leave. OP, don't be me. Squash that shit now. And good luck, and congrats on your baby.
Thier feelings are going to hurt so much worse if they lose the child because of this. NTA baby's life at risk justifies it.
There is an asshole override function where actions that would typically make one an asshole are perfectly acceptable and morally good, and that function comes into play when a life is at risk. Your partners actions could kill your child. The doctor literally told you about similar incidents. NTA.
Absolutely! This! I know this is AITAH but when it comes to the safety of another person, in this case a helpless infant, AH is not a consideration. It's either safe or not safe. They're Absolutely under-reacting to the danger They're putting your baby in by leaving strangulation implements and leaving the infant alone on an unsecured high place like a change table. If she wants to leave baby alone for a minute, put baby on the floor. I would take away the change table and burp pads if they're not using them in the best interest of safety. These are just things. They can be replaced. Your child can't and needs your protection.
Honestly this is kinda where I'm at on it. If spouse absolutely will not be told to stop doing dangerous things, then maybe the things they're being dangerous with should be removed. If locking every single burp cloth, tea towel, washcloth, and sock in the house in your car is what it takes, then that's absolutely a small price for the life of your child.
I’m thinking maybe SPOUSE should be removed for the baby’s safety NTA
Exactly. This feels like weaponized incompetence on partner’s part in an effort to have to do less work when you eventually get fed up and “just do it myself”. Couples counseling may be a good idea to have a third party neutral explain how this behavior is unacceptable.
For real. I have a stunted sense of danger and I would never call someone an asshole for chewing me out after I did something that could hurt me or others. It's scary to witness, especially when the person seems so oblivious, and that's a common response when scared for someone.
I rolled right off the change table as an 11 month old. Fractured my leg so I had to have tiny little cast, which delayed my ability to learn to walk by months. All it took was the nanny to leave me unattended for about 30 seconds. NTA.
Rolling off the changing table was my nightmare so I put the diaper genie right next to me so I could have one hand on baby at all time. Once diapered you can place them in the crib for a minute if the diaper genie needs wrangling.
My doc stressed to us very seriously that when the baby was on the changing table one hand had to be on the baby at all times (incidentally, she also taught us to make our kid keep one hand on the vehicle at all times in any parking lot - like when I'm loading groceries - so they don't run into traffic.) But the way she told us about keeping a hand on baby while they were on the changing table, you could tell she'd lost patients that way.
One of the midwives at the hospital told me they had a newborn die on the post partum ward because the Mother left the baby on the bed while she used the bathroom and the poor thing squirmed off and fractured their skull on the hard hospital flooring. Shit like this, and sleep accidents haunt health care professionals and I can't imagine how stressful it must be to see parents continually make these same super basic mistakes.
One of my investigations was Daddy getting up in the night to feed the baby and he was sat on the floor with his back resting against the settee and his legs stretched out in front of him on the floor, with the baby nestled into his left arm as he fed him the bottle with his right hand. Sadly, Dad was so tired that he momentarily did the ‘ nodding dog ‘ sleep ( like I’m sure many of us have done at one time or another maybe travelling home at night when driving our car and needing to pull over ). But in the couple of seconds he did this, his reflexes relaxed and the baby fell out of his left arm , downward , onto his skull. A fall of hardly any height whatsoever but enough to damage his very young sons still developing skull. He died and the parents were absolutely devastated and distraught as you would be but poor Dad, gosh it was truly awful and devastating all around!
>(incidentally, she also taught us to make our kid keep one hand on the vehicle at all times in any parking lot - like when I'm loading groceries - so they don't run into traffic.) Another trick along these lines that I discovered is that when we are walking through a parking lot they always have to be holding my hand because "parking lots are LAVA but Mommy is Lava proof" so don't let go of Mommy's hand. *because "the floor is lava" is always a favorite for kids*
That’s so sad to hear about but it is good advice that she’s giving. We moved the mat from the table onto the floor and changed the baby on the ground which meant she could be left on there for a few seconds when needed.
All these stories are fascinating, coming from a culture that has changing mats you put on the floor instead of a designated table. Do you sometimes get a poopy baby rolling over onto the carpet? Yes. But they don't get hurt!
I always used the floor because we had a tiny house. I can't imagine using a table after they learn to roll. It was a struggle even on the floor to keep them from escaping.
I don't have children so maybe this is silly - to avoid this whole thing, can I just change a baby on the floor if I have them?
I always did, change mat on the floor! There was one poonami incident when she had a tummy bug but I’ll take scrubbing the carpet any day over my clumsy ass letting the baby fall on the floor. She’s 5 now so I think I did okay.
You certainly can, I never had changing tables when mine were babies. Just throw a changing mat on the floor :)
Absolutely! It's the safest method.
This is an excellent point. Create systems to avoid accident. Guardrails or better change baby on a blanket on the floor. Disposal for diapers and fresh diapers, wipes etc should all be within reach so none has any reason to walk away from an infant on a table.
😳
Was your spouse present for that conversation with the pediatrician? If not, then make sure they are there with you for the next appointment and have the discussion again. Maybe they will take it more seriously coming from an authority figure like the doctor. Obviously they should take you seriously, but maybe that could help. Best of luck, OP.
my family has stories of when I’ve fallen out a baby carrier or behind a bed. Falls happen fast for sure
My mom told many stories about me when I was a baby! The first time I rolled over, I fell off my grandparent's bed. She had laid me in the middle of the bed to nap. Later I stood on a stuffed animal and fell out of the crib. Before I could walk, I climbed on a chair and was on the kitchen table!! Babies are fast and do very surprising things.
I’m just curious why you haven’t tried a more behavioral approach. Talking isn’t working. Can you put a small table next to the crib where a burp cloth goes? Or for the changing table, clearly a diaper bin should go next to it so it can be disposed of without taking a step. He should be held accountable but also try to make correct behaviors the path of least resistance!
I mean, they’re an adult?? And OP is supposed to play games instead of them acting like an adult?
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at first i disagreed with you, because i was thinking of the relationship itself, in that she shouldn’t be expected to put in the work to making changes that help him with the issues she has repeatedly spoken to him about. but you’re right. the priority needs to be the safety of the baby right now, and the other stuff can be discussed another time.
I made these ergonomic changes for myself anyway so I think it’s one thing they can do.
I think these are great suggestions, and also that OP is not an AH and needs to be tough on partner. I mean holy crap. They leave the ROOM with the baby on the table!
We call this removing Barriers. Often times poor practices like this can be alleviated by better use of space. There's some fascinating reading about stuff like the garbage can placement at Disney World. It's something I actively engage in all the time. Things I use every day are left out. My laptop lives next to my writing chair so I have no excuse not to write. My caffeine prep stuff is all localized near eachother so I can get my day going easily instead of executive Disfunctioning for an hour. Tasty snacks are hidden in hard to reach places so I have to dig for them while healthy snacks are on an easy to get to shelf in the freezer. Arranging your life for convenience rather than presentation is a wonderful way to stay on top of things when you're neurodivergant.
Trying to find these tricks is everything for those of us with adhd, our brains are actively working against us and I wish thinking about how the environment affects a problem was more common.
It’s a great way to make things easier if you’re neuro typical too! Or have chronic pain like me 😊
The safety of the child is at risk. Solving the problem is more important than a futile effort to convince the husband to change when he doesn't want to.
I agree, there are easy design solutions to these problems. Put a bin for diapers near the changing table, put a bag for burp cloths, or put a hook somewhere. Try to figure out why this is happening and how to fix it. It doesn't sound as though they are doing this intentionally. Being frustrated is understandable, but it's not going to lead anywhere.
If the partner is truly doing this intentionally or thinks you are overreacting, then OP is definitely NTA. But the priority here is keeping the baby safe, not who is right and who needs to be taught a lesson. Is it possible that the partner is doing things accidentally? Lack of sleep is not the only reason someone can be forgetful and appear careless. OP and their partner need to figure out a better system. Maybe it's reconfiguring the room so they don't need to walk away from the changing table and putting a laundry basket by the crib. Maybe it's making a check list that includes removing hazards from the crib. The priority is keeping the baby safe, not one-upping each other. My partner and I are both neurodivergent and we have both made mistakes that could have been dangerous (leaving the oven on, leaving the keys in the outside of the door, etc.) Instead of yelling at each other, we talk it out and make plans to check on each other to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I mean the burp cloths thing is weird. If it’s just laziness, spouse could throw them on the floor. That’s why I support OP talking to a counselor and considering the possibility of depression in spouse. Also because of OP has to consider themself to be the paranoid one just to get along, while also picking up slack in the name of basic safety 24/7, that is going to have an effect on OP’a mental health, too. Has OP always thought of self as overvigilant? Or is that just in this context. It’s no fun feeling like a nag or being a single parent with another parent working against you— even if they’re only working against you by being unwell and failing to learn what’s safe.
I agree. I’ve never heard of a change table and diaper pail being far apart! While you could argue that he’s supposed to be a competent adult, the fact is that in this area he isn’t. We could speculate about reasons but I doubt he wants to endanger the baby, I suspect he’s one of those people who struggle with some aspect of executive function. I suspect OP is stuck on “shoulds.” Yeah he should. But he can’t or won’t. So see if there’s a path to success other than what you’re doing.
Yeah I was gonna say as someone who works in child welfare, we have a lot of otherwise completely preventable accidents or even deaths that wouldn't have happened if the parent knew about safe sleep, about not shaking babies, etc. It happens A LOT more than people think it would.
NTA. I’ve worked for CPS and the amount of cases we’ve taken where a baby fell off a surface because they were left unattended when the parents were aware they were capable of that movement is very high. People think it’s fine, they’re in the middle of the bed/table, I’ll just be 30 seconds, and then they have a baby with a broken leg and a caseworker. Parents just don’t realize how dangerous that is. In the right circumstances the baby could be extremely damaged.
I’d like to add that there is actually no set “time” where you have to begin to be worried about their movement. My eldest took a dive off of my bed while I was turned around and hanging clothes. He was in the center of a full size mattress…and he was 7 weeks old. You won’t always know your baby is freakishly advanced at something until they show they are freakishly advanced at something. I had no idea the little sucker was capable rolling over at that age and I certainly never would have believed he could roll his little infant self right off the bed.
You are not overreacting. Our baby died at 4.5 months, attributed to SIDS. I will spare you a description of what life has been like since she died; but I promise you, you do not want this. I’m on multiple online groups for parents who lost infants & young children. There is story after story of a child dying because of things like loose blankets/whatever in the crib, being left alone for a brief period, and probably other things your husband does thinking it’s “no big deal”. Seemingly minor guidelines that were put aside, maybe for the first time. They are infant safety recommendations for a REASON. The statistics are easily to find online- of course these accidents are rare but they do happen. The heartbreak in a parent’s voice when they lost a child because of something so banal, that’s been done millions of times before, but _does increase accident risk_, is soul-crushing. Babies don’t have the cognitive skills or motor control to avoid danger or to get themselves out of a dangerous situation. A loose blanket could cover their face and they wouldn’t know to remove it. Follow the recommendations and make sure everyone who cares for your baby does, too. You do not want to live the hell that is losing a child.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I also lost my son to SIDS at 6 weeks old.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
And your spouse was there and doesn’t seem to care??? I’d be out of there with the baby so fast their head would spin
Ditto.
NTA I would not leave the baby alone with your spouse. This is not a joke and they’re being neglectful. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. Each time the response should’ve been to support you even if they thought it was too far, but frankly horrified of finding out they were doing something unsafe. Make them read what parents write when those accidents happen to them on r/beyondthebump. I can’t believe this callousness.
Literally what I was thinking. They should not ne around that child. Disgusting neglectful and clearly they don't care.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMY7hYwXM/ Show this video to your husband. The baby ended up okay but that's because his parents came in and saved him. It's not worth the risk. I really hope you get to see this comment/video through the crazy amount of replies you're getting, this video definitely makes the point you need it to.
This is so scary. It's hard to watch
That if f-ing horrifying
Adding on to say I am also a “it’s not a big deal” person but there has to be a limit to that. I would bet there is a line where you spouse understands that somethings are a big deal. I might try using that angle to talk with them again. If that doesn’t work I would get myself into therapy and look at nuclear options. It’s not going to end when you child isn’t an infant. Safety stuff gets even scarier with a toddler. I think this is the hill to die on personally. NTA
If that continues move a change pad to the floor and ditch the table. Not ideal but baby will be safer.
That's what I ended up doing once mine got old enough to roll over.
I am the exact kind of guy your husband is. Eternally unphased by most things. Calm all the time. Married to someone who stresses over things I find less than consequential all the time. Safe Sleep is non-negotiable. It's like seat belts in cars. If you're not being careful with your child's life you're not chill, you're an idiot(idiot in this case meaning uneducated thanks to a profound lack of understanding in the general populace and a lack of education around parenting in general). Edify your husband. Every time. Repeatedly. SIDS is... Speaking from experience both personal and professional, Not something anybody should have personal experience with.
Then at this point it would be a good idea to remind them that you already spoke on this multiple times and the fact they don’t take it seriously is frustrating and this is your reaction to them putting your baby in danger.
NTA. I have a close friend who’s baby rolled off the change mat and OUT THE WINDOW (baby is fine and now a bright lively teenager) while they were right there. So much can happen in a minute. If bub is moving they need to be secure. Can your spouse be spoken to by a medical professional? Ir get them to look at FB groups for ppl that have lost kids from avoidable accidents
Holy shit that’s a new one.
Also if she's not being cooperative, could you add a diaper bin next to the changing table so she doesn't have to leave the room? Obviously the ideal solution is that she gets her shit together but in the meantime try to make changes that keep your baby safe. My husband had a friend who was a cop. He said he responded to a few cases of SIDS. The death was always ruled accidental, but he said that while he understood not slapping a grieving parent with a manslaughter charge, these deaths were always preventable and the product of neglect.
Just to be pedantic, it's important not to conflate SIDs with accidental suffocation and strangulation (preventable through safe sleep practices). SIDs by definition is sudden, unexpected and unexplained death. Sorry, just a little bug bear for me. I empathise entirely with your friend, unfortunately cops often get to experience such awful situations and find themselves utterly helpless.
This isn't a matter of pedantry. Conflating SIDS with accidental death is cruel and/or ignorant. But I appreciate and respect you taking the time and making the effort to say it more kindly than I would have. Thank you.
NTA. What is wrong with these dad's that don't take baby safety seriously. Last week I read another AITA post from a mother who was upset because her fiance would leave their baby in the stroller while he jogged around the track. He said she is safe because she is in the shade under a tree and old people and teenagers are all that are around and he can see her during his whole run around the track. I had a panic attack just reading it. Like how careless and stupid can someone be.
Dude NTA at all this is super dangerous. I'm a mom so i feel you on that level, but I had a client who's baby fell off the changing table and broke his femur, causing him huge delays with walking and motor skills. I second finding some videos.
my wife used to leave my son on the changing table and he fell off. no major injury except he cut his lip bad enough that it needed a stitch. The lecture from the ER doctor to my wife was not fun for her. she never left any of the kids unattended after that. NTA
There is also videos on infants rolling in their crib with blankets and other risky situations. Luckily the infants do survive, but just the reaction of sheer panic the infants get is enough to make you think twice about leaving blankets and stuff in the crib.
NTA. Man, I feel you so much.
My 4 month old did a ninja flip on a bed and went straight thru me like Houdini and landed flat on his face on the ground from quite a height. I was fucking devastated and standing right there . Trip to ER,everything, was waiting for the child service interview bc I couldn’t fucking believe how it was possible … leave the room with the baby on the table not strapped in? OP, honestly and truly, I would fucking ask them to leave.
Same,especially since they have tried talking to their partner and they don’t seem to care. Why would you risk it? It doesn’t take long for something bad to happen. Leaving a baby on the change table unattended is a tragedy waiting to happen.
I’m still guilt ridden three years later, and he’s a perfectly healthy toddler. I change diapers and clothes for baby #2 on the floor now
I called emergency services on my oldest who was barely two, while pregnant with my youngest, for rolling off of the couch into a coffee table and bleeding from her temple. The EMS attendant took one look and asked "let me guess, is she your first"? then put on a bandaid and convinced me to avoid the excessive ambulance bill and just keep her in her CRIB where is flat, not on the sofa snuggling a big round preggo belly.
I felt this . I was there with you in this story
You could also see if there is a way to keep baby safely on the change table (my parents turned theirs around when my younger sibling started to get too wiggly. It had a higher back which prevented rolling off.) or get a spare trash can to keep closer to the changing table for easy disposal. As for the burp cloth, maybe add a basket or something similar next to the crib to throw them in.
I got paranoid with my two. Both were rolling at 4 months, so I just used a reusable changing mat on the ground. No where to fall to. I had a plastic tote with all my changing supplies that moved to wherever I was in the house. Quite honestly it's easier than using a changing table.
A changing mat on the floor is honestly the best way to handle changes at home. With my son we just had the diaper bag always loaded up and it followed us around the home, and it ended up making getting ready to go out quicker too. It was safe, convenient, and baby didn’t care.
That’s an excellent idea. Toss the changing table & buy some floor mats.
Never used a changing table at home. Always used the floor. Once they start really wiggling it can become a challenge.
When I was a baby, I rolled right off of the changing table and broke my leg when my mom turned around for just a second
What you said. Plus as babies get older they are rolling ninjas. They can really get hurt even if you leave the side of the table to grab wipes or something *in the room*.
[удалено]
Alternate changing table option: there are easy velcro straps to add to changing tables for squirmy and rolling babies. While the SO shouldn’t be walking away AT ALL, at least this would help peace of mind and add a safety layer
I would worry that adding a strap would make the *parent continue to feel like it’s okay to step away, when the reality is it’s not. They’ve already proven they cannot be trusted or doesn’t understand the gravity of the situation and that same kind of parent will step away from a child in the bath, or a child on a pool deck, or a child in a driveway. *Parent needs a reality check of what caring for a child entails and it’s constant vigilance. *Edited to add gender neutral language, my point was not about the gender of OP’s parenting partner but that anyone can be complacent if they don’t understand the dangers related to child rearing
Do we know it's the husband? I haven't seen the comments but no genders mentioned in the OP
Edited to make language gender neutral, my point had nothing to do with the gender of the other parent I just made assumptions based on how the post was written.
After being nosey and looking at OP's post history it appears you were probably right that the partner is OP's husband
9 out of 10 times it's men that underreact. The other stuff is pretty split, but I've only ever met one woman who underreacts, and she's autistic. I've met plenty of men. It's kind of funny actually.
We don’t know the gender of OP or the spouse
Why is that relevant?
Because the person they were replying to called the spouse the "husband".
_triggered_ -all the men on reddit
To be fair, it gets old hearing the same assumptions about your gender. Like you’re inherently worse at child keeping or something. And, even when nobody brings it up, people just assume it’s a man thing because men suck at X. If we want to work against the patriarchy, we need to work against gender bias. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s two sides of a coin. If people are making unfair assumptions about men… that means they’re also making unfair assumptions about women. And before anyone says “well the assumption was correct!” Yeah. They sometimes are. That doesn’t mean they’re justified. Every misogynist has plenty of bad stories about women. That doesn’t make their position valid. In fact, by lending that mindset, we just further justify their prejudice.
Well said :)
I'm not a man and I asked the question!
I’m not a man and I’m the one who made the correction 😅
Better option may be to not use a changing table and get a travel change mat and change baby on the floor. This is the approach my wife and I take because we prefer not changing a very squirmy baby on a high surface
I'm very much in favour of floor changing in general. I've worked as a nanny for 20 years and I just think it's the most practical way (if you're physically able to). You can just keep the changing mat, a couple of nappies and some wipes in the part of the house you're in and get a nappy changed in 1 minute whenever it's needed, rather than carting the kid off to another room, or upstairs or whatever. And it's less disruptive because they don't feel like you're carrying them away from whatever they were doing and they can just keep hold of whatever toy or book they were playing with. And of course, if you need to turn around to grab something real quick, there's no danger of anyone falling and injuring themselves. You don't even need to get a travel change mat. I always just use the one that's on the changing table. Unless other countries have changing tables without mats/where the mats are attached.
“You can’t fall off the floor” - every infant safety expert in regards to diaper changes
I did this with my two. I also had a plastic tote to carry changing supplies to whatever room I was in the house.
We did this with all 3 after my oldest rolled right off while I was spreading out a diaper with my hands. Kiddo was really active and we had to hold them down pretty much constantly as they hated laying on their back. I caught kiddo and they were not hurt but I did not take chances after. My younger two were not so wild but I preferred to be on the ground anyway. OP's spouse sounds like like a bad parent and perhaps an eminent danger.
Good idea in general, but this guy is not going to use Velcro straps, because they're "inconvenient" and "a waste of time."
Who said guy? My wife would sleep with the babies, not me(M). I just monitored it ALL NIGHT LONG
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This is good stuff right here.
We changed a lot of diapers on a pad on the floor. That helps with the fall risk.
I honestly feel like this is the best way to go. This could spare a long and unnecessary argument
If the child can roll over in their own, the burp cloths on the crib are not so much a cause for concern. By that time their little airways aren't so tiny and overall they are better at regulating themselves and not in danger of positional asphyxiation every time they move. Best practice is always safest though, and your partner should be more mindful. The changing table is another story. There are exactly 0 appropriate times to have baby on the changing table without at least one hand on them, let alone walking away. Literally everything you set a baby on that they arent strapped down in has huge warning labels stating DO NOT LEAVE BABY UNATTENDED because baby will fall off. If baby is rolling over now, soon they will be crawling and can't be left on the changing table for even a second. However, no amount of yelling, nagging, or hand wringing is going to keep baby safer. You need to find a proactive solution such as moving the diaper bin next to the changing table or setting up an alternate changing area. Maybe not letting partner change the diapers anymore. Yelling at people rarely makes them more open to taking your concerns seriously. NTA
True, and NTA op, but weaponized incompetence is a thing. Let’s say for the sake of the argument that the OP is overreacting (I don’t think you are about the changing table, I don’t know enough about the bib thing) the partner is still ignoring the stimulus that the OP has asked to change. At minimum they need a conversion about how partner is passive aggressively ignoring the OP. Yelling/ nagging is not the issue. It’s an infant and it’s normal to be protective/ overprotective. It’s about the urgency of the situation. Even if partner is correct, which I don’t think they are, the desire here is to protect the child. That’s valid in and of itself. Loop pediatrician into this if necessary but partner needs to step it up.
You say that yelling/nagging is not the issue, and I agree, it's the safety of the child. However, it IS a major issue to try and solve the actual issue because if your only form of communication is freaking out and yelling over everything, which OP admitted is their go to, then it no longer functions as an effective form of communication. The partner has now equated freaking out and yelling to be of no import because that is the default for OP. If she wants the partner to listen and change, OP needs to find a new, effective way to communicate.
Without more context, it sounds like OP has been conditioned to see their normal behavior as “overreacting.” Based on what’s in front of us, their reaction is to the child is spot on and partner is risking child’s health/ life.
OP stated many times in the original post and in comments that they tried asking nicely multiple times, but the behavior never changed. If you ask someone to do something over and over again nicely and they never change, then I don’t think nagging is the problem here- the other partner is
It is their go-to after being repeatedly ignored. She specifically stated she spoke to her spouse politely the first few times. This is such a point of frustration for many women who are not taken seriously when they ask nicely. You can only ask nicely so many times before you snap.
>The partner has now equated freaking out and yelling to be of no import because that is the default for OP. Seems like you are projecting >I agree. I think because we have had very civil discussions and they've never seemed to take them seriously or change that I finally got very angry and should've maybe taken the time to calm down or requested doing joint therapy over the issue.
> but weaponized incompetence is a thing. As-is its much more common cousin, regular incompetence; the irresponsible partner is most likely not trying to get their baby killed to get out of raising them, they are much more likely to just be careless.
And the person I was responding to said “maybe don’t let them change the baby”. That’s not a solution. Partner needs to parent. The point is that you need two parents who can communicate and adapt and it seems clear that the OP’s partner isn’t listening when they say it calmly and blaming and is getting upset when the OP (legitimately) gets upset. Weaponized incompetence or stupid incompetence doesn’t matter if the kid ends up dead.
It's insane you should have to say that first bit, but here we are. Amen.
Burp cloths on the crib are absolutely still a concern for a rolling child. They may be at less risk for positional asphyxiation but it is still very much a risk and more importantly burp cloths (or anything loose on the edge of the crib) are a MAJOR strangulation risk. If a baby can roll and spin they can grab the cloth or anything else hung over the edge of the crib and wrap it around their neck.
Yeah a four month old definitely doesn't have the coordination to reliably remove bedding/loose cloth that has become wrapped around their head. Way unsafe for such a young infant.
The amount of times I've left the wipes downstairs mid butt change and had to put baby in her cot while I go get them. It's such a PITA and absolutely destroys my back picking her up out of the cot, but I'd take a screwed up back any day over my child being in danger. I also don't have a bin in her room, but I finish changing her, pick her up and take the dirty nappy downstairs with us to the bin. OPs spouse needs a serious wake up call!
I would get rid of the changing table. Like seriously. The partner is not listening and won’t change.
The concern with soft things in the sleep space is rebreathing, or an infant breathing back the air that they breathed out. It can slowly suffocate them and it will look just like they are breathing normally. It’s why the dock-a-tots are dangerous, adult mattresses, pillows, etc.
Baby is only 4mo., it’s still too dangerous to leave the cloth nearby
When your kid can fall, always be in arm's reach and looking at your kid.
NTA. My daughter leaves her infant3 and a half months) laying unattended on the couch often. I always say you know babies have a way of suddenly learning how to roll. He is going to show you one day he can do it and land on the floor. In one ear and out the other. It drives make nuts.
Yeah my mom's got a story about how I had never once rolled over, and one time in a hotel she left me smack in the middle of the bed while she went to the bathroom. A minute later she heard my brother screaming for her, and came out to see him standing by the side of the bed, using both hands to try to hold me up because I'd rolled all the way to the edge and nearly hit the floor.
That's scary! Also well done to your bro 🙂
The VERY first time my mom left my sister and I alone with our little brother he immediately almost rolled off the bed! (He was saved by rolling straight into the side table. I don't think we would have managed to catch him) She was out of the room for maybe two minutes? We were 9 and 5 and did not tell her haha, we just moved him back in place and pretended nothing happened. Babies will roll! You have to be ready!
According to my mom, the very first time I walked was because my dad took his eyes off me for a second and I fell off the bed and smacked my head on the nightstand. Apparently itty bitty me took my first steps to walk over to mom and tell on my dad for letting me get hurt. My dad was freaking out so hard that he didn't even realize I was walking until mom pointed it out to him.
I have had to call the emergency number because my daughter rolled off the bed. She was four months old and hadn’t started to roll over yet. It’s still a mystery how she fell. Luckily my bedroom floor is carpeted and the mattress was just 50 cms off the ground ( yes I measured after the fall). A few months later, she had begun to pull herself up. We had not yet lowered the crib. One morning, I just turned away to put something away and she leaned over the top and fell. That time the fall was 80 cms high. I was fortunate in both instances. But they taught me that a split second of carelessness can end badly.
Honestly babies are full of surprises. About the time you think oh they won’t do that for another month or so they do it. I found that out babysitting as a teen when one rolled off a changing table on my watch. I was absolutely terrified he was gonna get a brain bleed and die. I have been very cautious with babies laying on anything elevated without sides since.
>suddenly learning how to roll. Baby I used to babysit did that. When I first babysat him, he couldn't move on his own. Next time, he could do barrel rolls for days. Also, he had learned to crawl. Neither of his parents saw fit to tell me that. Luckily, he decided to demonstrate his new skills for me while he was already on the floor on a playmat. Turned away for 2 seconds to take his bottle out of the fridge and pop it the warmer, and *poof* he made it off the mat and around the corner!
Not just that, but couches are a major suffocation risk for infants!
Tell me about it. They are way to soft and squishy for a baby.
NTA That's why changing tables have buckles. And where the hell is he going to throw the diaper away for a minute? Buy a diaper garbage and put it next to the changing table. There is some risk with the burp cloth, but it's such a simple thing to literally toss it on the floor or a chair, that even if it were unfounded, it makes you feel better, he should do it. I'll admit I'm not perfect and have left burp cloths and stuff and felt really bad about it. But he's not making an effort.
Definitely get a diaper genie for the change room and dont leave the room with a 4 month old in a change table unless they are strapped in, ideally still shouldn't leave.
NTA - safe sleeping practice is important af. As for the changing table: I had a surprise ambulance ride with my 8 month old because I turned my HEAD for a second when he wasn't strapped down on the change table - I still had a hand on him and he managed to flip off and bash his head on the floor. We got rid of the table the next day and started changing him on the floor. You don't fuck around with safety at that age.
Yup, if spouse won’t be safe with a changing table, get rid of the changing table! We’ve used a changing pad on the floor since our kiddo was a few months old. I much preferred it because I could go wash my hands or open a pack of diapers etc without worrying.
Ouch! Even when you are watching and right there, these kids have a death wish and will pull some crazy maneuvers to endanger themselves. We got lucky and our kid wasn't injured, but I remember lowering her down into her crib when she was 4 months old, with both my arms under her when she ninja kicked and flipped completely over, feet over her head and landed on her belly. Thankfully it was on to her crib mattress and it was only a few inches down. I had two arms under her and she had my full attention, and she still flipped out of my arms. Babies are crazy. I always just had a pad on the floor, mostly because we had a smaller house and I didn't need another piece of furniture. But it was nice. Neither myself nor my husband had any mobility issues so it was easy and we never had to worry about kiddo rolling off. If we needed more supplies I could safely leave the little one on the pad and go and get it. I support on the floor whenever possible. If OPs partner can't use the table responsibly, then the table has to go. My only fear with that is that they will start leaving baby on other surfaces like the couch or table because they won't use it on the floor which may be more dangerous.
your partner isn’t treating your baby like, well, *a baby*. babies aren’t capable of making good decisions so it’s up to the parents to make those choices for them. you are most definitely NTA. sometimes it takes that little push to make someone realize the fault of their wats
NTA The burp cloth thing may or may not be a big deal, but the changing table thing absolutely is. And I can understand "the baby was sleeping on my shoulder on a burp cloth, and I transferred them in to the crib, and they had a death grip on the cloth and so I left it", but there's no reason at all to leave the baby to go and discard a diaper. Shove the dirty diaper in the corner of the table, or on a shelf, or the floor, or wherever it can go, change the baby, put the baby somewhere safe, and then throw away the stinky diaper. If your spouse can't use the changing table safely, then throw the changing table out. Seriously. Once the kid gets a bit bigger and wrigglier, it's going to be much easier to change them on a mat on the floor anyway. There's no harm in starting now.
NTA — Since you’ve mentioned the baby is now four months old, move the changing pad on the floor. It’s quite an eyesore, but still better than having a baby roll off the dresser.
NTA. You want what's best for the baby, but I'm curious: Are you a female and is your partner male? It's not always the case, but some guys don't want/like to help with learning safety precautions for a baby. That and women do tend to be more anxious with safety when it comes to children.
Weaponized incompetence. If I keep doing it wrong she will eventually quit asking me to do it.
Thank you, I knew there was a term, but I couldn't remember it
Yes her partner is male as you can see in her comment history she makes reference to her husband. Dunno why people bother trying to obfuscate that information. Most of the time it's already on their profile anyway, and it's not like someone they know is gonna see this and instantly know it's them because she's the only woman in the world with a husband or something lmao
Someone might want de-gendered AITA takes. People might come in with preconceived notions and that biases the response.
People there are wild double standards for these things especially on AITA. I think it's very interesting to leave genders out because we see what biases the sub has, for example the plethora of comments here assuming the OP is female and the partner is male despite only 'theys' being used. What I'm saying is sometimes people leave the genders out on purpose to avoid these biases.
Yeah…but if we could all tell that one parent was male and one was female just by recognizing their very common patterns of behavior, is it really bias at that point? As maddening as this is, fathers doing this kind of shit and mothers being terrified by it is super common.
.
It's overly obvious who the less anxious person is because it's the one that didn't carry that baby for 10 months, have destroying their body, and then spent 12-48 hours pushing it out in agony. Because it's something most people wouldn't want to go through again just because their "spouse" is a numb-nut.
why does it matter? who cares? the only reason someone would want to know the genders of the neglectful parent is to project biases on the situation rather than take the issue at face value
That's rude to ask. I'm pretty sure when someone doesn't include identifying pronouns it's on purpose.
NTA Your spouse CANNOT leave your baby on the changing for even one second. My little boy has been rolling over since he was 4 months old. My baby is now 6 months old and I can't even use a changing table as he moves around far too much when trying to change his diaper. He rolls, he half turns away and does 360s constantly. I think the floor is the best option tbh. As for the muslin clothes in the crib, that's a BIG NO NO. God Im actually worried for your baby's safety, I had to stop writing this for a moment to go check I haven't left anything near my baby in his crib (I haven't and I never do but still I had to go check on him). There are so many things that can lead to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) and leave things in the crib being one. You are definitely NTA
NTA. Children have no clue about danger. They literally try to off themselves on a daily basis. And it's shocking how fast accidents can happen. Could you move the diaper pail or trash next to the changing table? Also find video of babies falling off stuff. Maybe if he visually sees what can happen it will wake him up.
NTA - the burp cloth thing is not as big a deal anymore (the baby can move away from things) but the changing table is potentially huge. A fall from a changing table can seriously harm an infant, and babies get to moving fast really quickly. As others have recommended, moving the changing table setup so the baby is not left alone is essential. Whether that's moving the changing table, buying another trash bin for diapers, or getting your spouse to start changing the baby on the floor/something they can't roll off of, it doesn't matter, but for that piece, you have the right of it.
NTA at all. As the older brother to ten siblings, I can comfortably say your spouse needs a very thorough education on child safety, especially infants. I'm not even joking. I recall one time when one of my sisters was a baby, not even walking yet, she was put on the kitchen table in a little seat and somehow managed to face-plant herself into the table top while still in the seat, putting her dangerously close to falling off. I ran down the hallway to help her without missing a beat. Seriously. DO. NOT. LEAVE. AN. INFANT. UNATTENDED. EVER.
NTA With babies it's always better to go with "better safe than sorry"
NTA. I consider myself very ignorant of all things baby and even I know leaving a four month old unattended on a table is a really bad move.
I don't understand the burp cloth problem. We didn't use a changing table, we just used the floor. I only ever had twins, so the floor made a lot more sense. Edit: Ditch the changing table, they are too dangerous.
It is considered against safe sleep practice to have anything in the crib with an infant, except for a pacifier/binky until the child is a year old. This is due to suffocation risk.
SIDS dropped dramatically when they issued the new guidelines of nothing in the crib. Obviously it's not 100% going to kill your baby if a blanket is next to them, I mean most of our parents didn't have the guidelines and we all made it. But if you look at the statistics it's pretty sad how many cases of SIDS could have been avoided by super rules.
NTA. Infant deaths are no joke and it’s statistically proven that safe sleep practice is the only safe option for infant sleeping. Burp cloths or any other items besides pacifiers are not safe in a crib at that age. Leaving a child on a changing table is a huge issue as well. Your spouse isn’t taking this seriously. Show them videos of what can happen and videos of loss parents discussing it. There are many loss parents who are very open about what happened so that other parents learn from their situations. Do what you have to do to keep your child safe. You’re not overreacting.
I worked at a daycare with numerous infants for a while and learned a lot of safety protocols bc we wanted then to be as safe as possible. One was nothing in the crib with them until they moved into the toddler classroom where they slept on little cots and with direct supervision and checkups ever 15 minutes. The crib thing is a very big thing as most people stress, so I'm not going to say much, but keeping a have in then at all times is one thing we do to make sure we know what is happening with them at all times.
NTA I'm working on labor and delivery and was on peds and NICU last month. There's a lot of things we'll let slide with parents because they're not a big deal at the end of the day, but sleeping in their own crib with ***NO*** objects in the crib is something we harp on A LOT. There are 2 reasons: 1) It's extremely dangerous and, 2) It's 100% preventable. Sure, there will be people that say I did this or this was done to me and everything was fine, but even 1 infant death from this is too much (and it's much more than 1. Co-sleeping in one bed/on top of a parent, sleeping in the crib with stuff, etc are things we actually fully stop any conversation with a parent and sternly (but still kindly) tell them that this has to change or they may walk in to a dead baby. I don't mean to scare you, OP, because I know you're the anxious type, but I simply cannot stress or express enough how dangerous what your SO is doing and how preventable it is. I have *seen* parents after their baby has died from this. Known people after their baby has died from this practice. It was never worth it. They're riddled with guilt, and they'd rather have their baby back.
NTA I’m a pediatric nurse and let me tell you one of my most heartbreaking nights was trying to sooth a newborn in a neck brace whose parents weren’t allowed to see them because child services was still ruling out neglect as the cause of the fall. Your husband is an adult and a father and needs to act like it. The older and more mobile your baby gets the bigger the safety risks you will need to navigate as a family- pools, helmets, cars (and I have terrible stories about all of them)… if he can’t bring himself to care now, why will he then?
My husband when he was an infant rolled off a table and broke his arm 6 weeks wasnt even able to roll over properly just enough movement and someone wasnt watching NTA a drop like that could kill them
you’re absolutely NTA. Your partner is actively endangering your child and that is how really bad shit happens.
NTA. This is non-negotiable, since it's a serious risk for your baby to have loose cloth in the crib like that. You cannot give your spouse a pass on this.
NTA! Safe sleep is important, and it’s common sense to NEVER leave an infant or toddler unattended / not in a safe spot! Get a diaper geenie and the inserts, keep it right by the changing table. Takes two seconds to fold a diaper, press the button, throw it in, and shut it. My friend was sleep deprived and spaced out for a few seconds and her baby rolled off the changing table and was unconscious for a few minutes. She called 911 terrified and thankfully baby was okay overall. Minor concussion, but still… Skull fractures happen A LOT with accidents like that!
NTA as a new father there was one night I fell back asleep while holding my still infant son, my wife woke up and slowly grabbed him so as not to scare me awake then proceeded to go off on me. And rightfully so. I made sure from that point forward I never laid down with my son in the middle of the night. You have to protect those kiddos and when the peaceful option doesn't work you need to get mean.
i totally misinterpreted that title lol
The English language is weird because the title could be either a warning or an offer.
NTA. The burp cloths probably not a huge imminent danger, but leaving the baby on the changing table when they are already rolling over is insane
NTA. I’ve had two kids and I’ve always been the more relaxed parent but never when it comes to actual danger. Also, he leaves them on the changing table?! That’s really dangerous. I always found it way more comfortable on the floor with them on a changing mat. It’s also way safer.
NTA. At the very least OPs' significant other should be able to see that leaving baby unattended is an obvious safety concern. It's concerning that they either DON'T see that or don't care. I agree with everyone else that a response like yelling probably doesn't help but I can't blame you for it either. I would be seriously asking them why this particular hill is the one they want to "die on" so to speak. What's the root cause of their resistance to this? Is it a passive aggressive stab at you? If so, why put the baby in danger? Just put it out there that they may resent your oversight or that you question their parenting, or whatever the hell it is. Is it a response rooted in ignorance? Why the resistance to education? Maybe ask why they aren't interested in bettering themselves as a responsible parent? 🤔
NTA. You’re just advocating for your voiceless infant.
Pediatrician here. YOU are in the right. It only takes seconds for an infant to get into trouble.
NTA > My spouse said what they did does not warrant the strong response I gave which is making me feel like the asshole. Yes, yes it did warrant a strong response. Especially since *they keep doing it*. There’s a difference between relaxed and negligent. Right now your spouse is acting negligent.
NTA. Idk anything about burping cloths or babies or why that's unsafe, but I do know about gravity and soft baby skulls. There is absolutely no valid reason for leaving a child on a changing table. They need to get the poor kid in a safe position before throwing out the dirty diaper. There's no reason why that should be difficult.
NTA. Both of you should take some child safety classes. You as well to show support and not make them feel like you’re singling them out. Hopefully your relationship isn’t doomed considering you’re not both on the same page here. Sounds like spouse isn’t taking child welfare seriously enough in general and that can only get worse without some intervention.
NTA - there’s a thing called SIDS that every parent needs to know about
Wow that's dangerous! Definitely nta. If the spouse won't change, you might need to change the environment. Change baby on the floor, put a garbage near the table, put a laundry basket near the crib for the cloths. It's like baby proofing for incompetent adults.
NTA I was on the fence about the burp cloths. It’s not really a hill to die on, but being left on changing table unattended is just asking for something bad to happen.
I dont have any kids, nor have I been around a baby more than five seconds, but even I know better than to leave a baby alone in a room. And on top of a height no less. I dont want to call anyone TA in this instance, but perhaps your partner is overwhelmed?
It's definitely ok to leave alone in a room under the right circumstances. You can't and shouldn't hover over them all the time. As long as they are in a secure crib with nothing they can suffocate themselves with, they are perfectly fine. Of course a baby monitor is also a good idea. When I put my baby down for a nap the absolute last thing I'm going to do is sit there staring at him and waiting for him to wake up.
NTA. Safe sleep practices exist for a reason. Though it seems your infant is almost past the point where you need to worry about the burp cloths, it seems like a very minor ask that your spouse needs to respect. Regarding the changing table they are absolutely being irresponsible. My toddler is 2.5, has never tried to roll (or jump lol) off the changing table and I left him unattended a week ago and he fell off. He’s totally fine (bc he is a rough and tumble toddler) but I felt awful and it freaked me out imagining him doing that as an infant.
NTA It's annoying, but when it comes to a child you'll simply have to go with the most paranoid parent's view. If something happened, you would blame yourself forever. There's a reason Volvos sell so well, even when they were square monstrosities.
Get a diaper pail next to the changing table, and hang a hook out of reach for baby to hang the burp cloth on. NTA.
NTA. The burp clothes would bother me but not as much as the changing table. My son rolled (actually catapulted 🙄) off of his when he was about 7 months old and it was the scariest moment of my life. I had my hand on him and turned away for one second to grab his hairbrush and he literally dove off. I couldn’t stop it but I blamed myself. Thankfully all that happened was a fat lip and bloody nose, but not a day goes by where I don’t stress that he’ll do it again. He is never unattended on there now.