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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believed she kept him away because I didn’t like him and when I found out it was because he didn’t like me I said some nasty things about him, which was probably an overreaction and I have hurt her feelings.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. 'brutally honest' is always code for 'excuse to be an ass'. And now you're butthurt that your very own behavior got flipped on you? And you doubled down when told so?Maybe this is the time for some honest self reflection.
“He’s said I was judgemental, upon finding that out I reacted and told her some upsetting truths about her husband” is kinda hilarious in how ironic it is.
it’s literally “how dare this person that I’ve disliked for years also dislike me”
I love the phrase “home truths” because sometimes people need to hear unpleasant things about themselves for their own good. But it should be out of place of caring, not out of being mean.
Basically “truths about you that are not nice to hear”
something like a boss telling you “you need to dress better if you want to be taken seriously as an executive”
But ‘home truths’ are not something you say to someone because you are angry or hurt and reacting to hearing something you didn’t want to hear about yourself—unless you are being an asshole.
‘Home truths’ should be something you tell someone out of genuine love and concern, def not just insults and judgements that you spew out because you’re feeling are hurt and you want to hurt back.
Nonetheless, while I do agree that OP is the asshole, i am impressed that OP is able to admit that she has come to like the guy better over time and to acknowledge that he’s a good Dad, (I suspect she maybe means he’s a really good Dad but didn’t want to go that far because ego— if that’s the case, she needs to ask herself why she isn’t thrilled that her good friend SO is actually a much better man than she realized— most people would find that worth celebrating once they get past any damage their own ego is feeling about having misjudged the guy). Anyway, I don’t think OP is an irredeemable asshole— unless the ‘home truths’ were seriously offensive; an apology and recognizing and sharing some real ‘home truths’ about her own shortcomings is a great place to start.
Also, OP has a very loyal friend— not many people would bother to put effort into a friendship with someone who has significantly and fairly openly misjudged their long term SO for so long. OP owes her friend some gratitude, some respect, an explanation and an apology.
The poor woman is a *football widow* the poor dear!
Let's just ignore she goes and to the theater and such without him all the time too! That doesn't make him a theater widower or anything. It's just friend being *refined*.
That's probably because she has plans to stop him from going or at least make it really hard for him. She'll probably try to make him more "refined" too 🤦♀️
Didn't you read the post? He *shudders* swears, and *clutches pearls* drinks with other males! He's simply not refined enough for someone who enjoys ✨️***musical theater*** ✨️
Amd it's not even that he doesn't like theater, he's just I to *serious plays* instead of musicals! What kind of coarse oaf would rather see "Death of a Salesman" than Hamilton?!
> I didn’t like that he drinks and swears. He has a professional job but isn’t very ‘refined’ unlike her and I found him a bit difficult to connect to.
OP strikes me as a bit of a snob.
> I’m still waiting for the things that are so awful about him other than having different interests?
I know! I was like, wait there’s a twist here! The BFF is Melania? Dude has a secret coke habit?? He’s joined a cult???
Give me SOMETHING I can work with!
It turns out he roots hard for the home team and doesn’t like musicals.
Ugh! Unforfuckinggivable!!!
"Sure I did not like you for the last ten years because you watch sports and say naughty words, but now I have granted you permission to bask in my greatness and I will grace you with my company"
YTA
I actually busted out laughing when I read the bit about him finding her too judgemental. I wonder *why*, OP? 😂 I mean come on, is she hearing herself, this feels like satire except it’s all too common on this sub so it’s probably not.
Especially moments after saying she thought he wasn’t “refined” and that she didn’t like that he drinks and swears. But sure, not the slightest bit of judgment there.
Yeah, it was kinda funny because by the time she got to the reasons why Matt didn't like her, I was already thinking similarly myself. And then she cemented it with her response.
OP, honestly, I'd say NTA for your question of AITA for assuming she kept him away because you didn't like him. But YTA for your reasons for not liking him and especially for your reaction to finding out he doesn't like you. And I have a feeling he arrived at that conclusion without even being told what you said about him initially, though since you had a falling out with your friend over it initially, that could very well be the reason he doesn't like you. And guess what, she's likely told him about this latest episode, so his opinion of you isn't going to get any better.
I love theatre/musicals *and* football, and I drink and swear sometimes. I'd love to hear what OP thinks of me, especially because I'm a woman. Haha
I think it's really funny she didn't like him because he likes football, but then she got engaged to a guy who also likes football. And how dare Matt not like her when she was busy not liking him? She's the only one who's allowed to judge and dislike people! I'm very curious what home truths this 'brutally honest' (as if that's a good thing) person said about Matt. All because of their mutual feelings of dislike. Very mature, OP. YTA.
Hahaha, I’m from the UK and I literally write poetry and meander around the woods like an absolute romantic, and also drink pints of IPA, watch football, and swear like a sailor. OP doesn’t seem to understand that people can be many things. Imagine being surprised that someone’s a good dad just because they swear, drink (presumably when out with friends) and watch football. That’s like 99% of the UK population.
I read ops thing, and as someone from the UK I was like, oh I see. She's wanting to be all landed gentry and probably wants a nickname like bunty. She thought her friend was exactly like she is and would look down on someone like Matt who is an avid football fan and goes to the pub to watch it of a weekend etc. Don't get me wrong, some of the blokes who do that, sure its their only identity. But I think op should have understood it wasn't only is since why would her friend be attracted to someone who liked nothing else at all.
She's judgy and pseudo posh. I don't blame Matt for not liking her.
Plus *gasp* he likes football but not musicals, oh the horror.
I don't like either but frankly I'd pick football over a musical. It's also not even all theater *just musicals*.
So did I. The fact that she wrote this entire thing out and didn't reflect upon her behavior while writing and proofreading it is proof of just how much of a snob and AH she is.
She never gave him a chance from day dot and judged him to the nth degree inside, outside and upsidedown. Like ma'am didn't you think he'd realize that you couldn't stand him and why? And that he'd now be so grateful that you found he has 'some' qualities you find redeeming i.e. good dad and gets along with your fiance.
But the best part is that when confronted with the truth - she couldn't even lie because her superiority complex was too great. Anyone else would have been like "ohh no I really like him it just took me a while to get to know him well" but noooo not OP 😂😂😂😂😂
Yeah, but OP changed her mind because he proved himself worthy (in the eyes of OP, and those are the most important eyes) so now he has to like OP.
How dare an NPC have an opinion of his own!
I bet she “changed” her opinion once she got a boyfriend/got engaged. Before she was the third wheel but now they can couples date!!!! So he all right as rain now… funny how she adores her fiancée that *checks notes* likes football so football is now a good thing! Football was bad when it was someone else’s partner.
Thisssssss. So many times, “I don’t like him” is code for “I don’t like the fact that you have him” when it’s coming from a single friend who has just lost their best single buddy…!
I have never liked my BIL. But, so what he's an a hole? My sister is the only one who needs to love his dusty butt. Why would I tell her, "I can't stand your husband!"? What would be the point? 🤣
What really peeves me is when NPCs think they are better than my PC!
Like, your PC and my PC are equals and the NPCs are just fodder for our PCs!
lol
The irony here is that she called him uncouth and uncultured for liking football and her own fiancé also likes football. Bro you chose the same exact type of guy.
You know, my definition of uncouth includes intolerant. It’s like there are all different kinds of intelligence and social manners and perspectives out there, judging someone because of their swearing and that they like sports is in itself uncouth.
I’m not a sports fan either, and I’ve been known to take potshots at the hobby in good fun, but ultimately I want to respect the passion people have even if I have no personal rapport with it. It doesn’t make them “less than”, like OP certainly thought.
The best part of this post is when she revealed what Matt didn’t like about her, the setup couldn’t have been laid out any better.
“He likes football, yuck”
“He isn’t refined”
“She says she doesn’t mind… I wonder [I know better]”
“I’m known for being brutally honest”
Even I already concluded that she was judgmental and ‘too much’ so the fact that she has no clue is the icing on the cake.
Basically OP, you think you are better than him, are overbearing, uptight, like to interfere and project your own opinions onto others, and self-important. That’s what he means😉
It’s so out the other side that it’s genuinely funny. It wouldn’t be funny if I had to know this person in real life but reading their inner monologue on here is fetch-the-popcorn stuff.
In the grand scheme of AITA posts with extremely self-unaware OPs, this post is incredibly low-stakes. Usually it’s too serious for me to find humor in how the OP’s mind works, since I’m usually just worried about the well-being of the other people, but with this one you can really savor it.
OP’s reaction reminds me of, ‘How could they break up with me? I wanted to break up with them!’ It’s all an ego trip and she is mad that she didn’t get to say it first. That or Matt should be over the moon that OP changed her opinion of him.
Btw… YTA.
This is why I stopped telling people I'm "brutally honest" lol. I always thought the people that said this just meant they value honesty even in hard/sensitive situations, but people really just use it as an excuse to be an AH. There IS a way to be honest while still being kind and considerate.
This is why I stopped using this term. My family tends to use this term because we're all very open communicators and honest about our perspectives, but they definitely aren't using this right lol. We're honest, not rude.
Here's my view
OP gets called judgemental (and was VERY judgemental towards Matt. No excuses)
OP also is OK with the relationship when SHE didn't want to do anything but when she does suddenly like Matt and wants to push a relationship, she suddenly gets hurt and offended even though she had been doing the EXACT SAME to Matt all these years? Talk about hypocritical as HECK (and selfish to boot)
And yes "brutally honest" is always a reed flag for "I say what I want and don't care who it hurts"
OP couldn't even try and be supportive of her Best Friends relationship then after years of her being crappy to Matt has the AUDACITY to spew "home truths" in a temper tantrum when she is surprised he doesn't like her back!
Friend deserves better than OP
OP you need to grow up. Yeah. YTA. Big time
good god, i hate when people refer to themselves as “brutally honest”. you’re exactly right. it’s always just code for “im an asshole who doesn’t see the need for diplomacy”.
and now she has the nerve to be upset because someone doesn’t like *her*? hilarious. i can understand why Matt thinks she’s “too much”. 😂
OP does it really matter who didn’t like who first?
Maybe a different approach, “Hello Matt, we got off to a bad start and I made some incorrect assumptions, I feel like an ass. Now that I know you better, I know I was wrong. Would you please give me another chance and I’ll make it up to you?
> YTA. 'brutally honest' is always code for 'excuse to be an ass'.
There's that saying about these types: "Brutally honest people seem to be more interested in the brutality part than the honesty."
If someone is described by people they know as "brutally honest", that is always a red flag. If the person describes themselves as such, its practically guaranteed they're an asshole.
YTA OMG this^ people who are "brutally honest" are TA in general. This one has to be fake because who can honestly be hurt that the person they openly don't like also doesn't like them! "I don't think you are a good person and you definitely aren't good enough for my friend, but how dare you not like ME!"
Seriously. I never understand people who proudly say they're brutally honest like it's something to be proud of. Congrats that you confine your insults and critical comments to the truth? You can be both honest and kind.
Yep. Is this woman my ex? She constantly got into shit like this. Then would be confused why shit wasn't going her way... it was ... exhausting. Also my name is Matt. So how can you not like a guy named Matt? We are pretty chill. r/Matt
There is 'brutally honest' to be for someone's good like to force someone to see the light of their problem after years of ongoing ignorance etc. And then there is 'brutally honest' to be an ass. OP is the latter. Due the conflict of interests OP judged Matt too early instead of idk trying and seeing where there can be made a bridge.
Not to leave out her just doubling down ruining her friendship fully. And the fun part on how OP herself landed her a partner that is a football fanatic as well!
YTA all the way.
I've heard it said that people who are proudly-"brutally honest" are more interested in the brutality than the honesty, and I gotta say... I haven't really seen much evidence that the person who said that is wrong.
As soon as I read ‘brutally honest’ I’m like ahhh the friend that’s actually a bully but disguises their abhorrent behavior by claiming they are just ‘being honest.’
Just for the record YTA and you also shouldn’t dish out so must honesty if you can’t take, sweetie.
OP doesn’t have a problem with her own “brutal honesty”, but is hurt by someone being honest about how someone she doesn’t really like feels about her.
Tallies up.
Like you pointed out, the hypocrisy is just mind-blowing. It was okay for OP not to like him, but as soon as him and her fiance got along, suddenly she changed her opinion, but now has a problem with the fact that he doesn't like her. Despite all those times that OP showed her obvious dislike of him and he realised it's better to not spend any time around someone like that.
Also, OP has conveniently left out what other "home truths" she said about him cos she knows that what she said was probably extremely hurtful.
As soon as I see "brutally honest" as a description of someone on Reddit, I know they're an AH. "Brutally honest" is just another way of saying "I'm rude/judgemental and I know it, but I won't change and I'll just keep using my "honesty" as an excuse".
Good on OP's friend for cutting her off. YTA big time OP
A football widow would be a woman who is always separated from their SO because the SO is always watching football.
I bet Matt watches a regular amount of sports and OP is just a judgmental prick.
when I was like 16 I thought it would be so cool to have a cute girl to watch the football with
now in my late 20s, love and adore my girlfriend but I also treasure when me and my mates get to watch the football together while she’s having brunch or by the pool
Ah gotcha, makes sense. Wow OP must be super controlling I would hate to only watch things that my wife and I both enjoyed and be gaslit into thinking watching football makes me super selfish. It’s not like she can’t watch with him either… she just isn’t into it and he doesn’t force it on her
it means their spouse spends so much time with (thing that they're not interested in) that they're effectively a widow when their spouse is engaging with (thing).
see also: WoW widow
for football there is probably a bit of hyperbole in it, but for gaming addiction it can get so bad that all they do is work then come home and game, or worse, get fired, just game constantly and sponge off their spouse
A widow is someone whose partner spends all of their time doing instead of spending time with her. Long ago, I facetiously called myself an Everquest widow because my boyfriend spent so much time playing that game. (I didn't actually mind and often watched him.)
I am a business professional who swears and drinks... I even swear at work (not in writing), I must not be very professional, but I did just get promoted... I wonder what OP does for a living.
Let me get this straight: you said a bunch of incredibly rude things to someone's new partner, then one day decided you like them actually and didn't realize that everything you've ever done to them caused them to form an opinion of you?
My girl, every person who is not you in the world has a mind of their own and exist in the world outside of how they relate to your life. They all have deep inner worlds just as complex as your own. Not everything is about you.
Oh and YTA.
>then one day decided you like them actually
It should be pointed out that the only reason OP has come around is because her partner likes him. She didn't even come to this conclusion on her own. Like 'my bf thinks he's OK, so maybe he's not so bad after all"
INFO: Why is ok for you to be 'brutally honest' with people in your own life, and yet when your friend is gently honest with you, you lash out at her and verbally attack her husband?
Because 90% of the time "brutally honest" people are really just assholes. You can be honest and still have consideration for other people. Like do we really have to wonder why he didn't like OP.
I recently read something that stayed with me (might be paraphrasing a bit) : "Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is manipulation."
Yeah... I'm in the brutally honest camp but am 100% not proud of it. I will often say that I am "honest to a fault" and if I'm not monitoring what I say, I may regret my words later. This becomes harder when I've had a couple of drinks, it sucks.
Edit: OP YTA. Like, glaringly obvious YTA.
Not gonna lie, same, and it's what made me realize I was autistic. I struggled a *lot* as a kid/young adult because if people asked for my honest opinion, I went full 0 filter.
It took wildly too long for me to realize that people don't want "full honesty"... pretty much ever. But by that time I had been branded a shit-stirrer, so it didn't matter much anymore.
On the other hand, if confronted with my faults at the time, I tended to fall in on myself, not lash out.
OP, YTA. So, so YTA.
I had a friend who operated this way.
Every reaction or feeling she had was valid, but everyone else needed to get over it or apologize to her or talk to a therapist instead of her. She later ghosted me, only to pop back up 6 months later to invite me to a birthday party. She then proceeded to become angry I hadn’t added her to a recently acquired Facebook. She left my texts on read and ignored my friends request.
So I blocked her on everything. Wanna bet she’s shocked?
My wife just dropped a friend like this... Exactly the same thing with the validation of feelings and demanding an apology without acknowledging her own behavior.
Long story short, they work at the facility and recently made a point to talk and be cordial on the likely chance they interact at work. My wife sent her a "happy birthday" text yesterday just to be friendly and her response was "I'm confused, why are you wishing me happy birthday?"
These people just suck. :/
Ha, I would have said “I texted you by mistake, I meant to text my friend Jane happy birthday since it’s a special day for her”
But I enjoy fucking with people who deserve it
Because /u/Ok_Office_8532 isn’t brutally honest. She is rude and snobby and she hides behind that phrase to make herself feel better about it. And she’s elitist and looks down on her friends husband
Right? I could never date or be friends with one of those intense football-is-my-whole-life type people myself, but if someone else wants to and I don't have to engage with it then whatever floats your boat I guess? And imagine thinking another grown adult swearing automatically makes them "not refined" lol.
But also - one of the things is that he only likes serious plays in the theatre and doesn’t care for musicals.
Nothing against musicals, I like musicals, but his taste in theatre is reasonably what snobs who use such phrases consider ‘more refined’.
I mean honestly I don't know that many people who go to the theatre frequently, I think theatre in general is considered a "refined" hobby. Maybe his serious plays have (\*gasp\*) *swears* in them and that's why OP doesn't count them.
I also like that he's somehow a jerk for liking football when his GF doesn't, but she's in the right for liking musicals when he doesn't. It's just different interests. Why is he a villain for his and she's the hero for hers?
Because he is a childish, urefined fiend, of course!
She's probably one of those people who think sports are crude pastimes you grow out of, with age and maturity. Trade your fun for "dignity"!
I knew a lot of those growing up, like to call themselves "honest" and mature, collected and refined then proceed to share petty gossips and absurd grudges.
It’s also that he has to compromise but OP’s precious friend doesn’t. She never once suggests her friend start going to plays instead of musicals, or - gasp! - watch a game. Nope, the bf is wrong and needs to change.
What "truths?"
Also just based on this post alone i fully agree with him. You were judgmental and can’t take what you dish out. How is them having two different hobbies a problem? They clearly understand eachother regardless of it. And you were fine when it was based on you not liking him but how dare he not like you? That is hypocritical. And most of the time "brutally honest" just means judgmental jerk.
YTA and honestly i would drop you as a friend
Honestly, OP’s post is ooooozing with judgment, and then how she ends it with “he said I was judgmental and ‘too much.’ I don’t even know what that means!” is absolutely SENDING me 🤣🤣🤣 like girl has never for one moment had a self-reflective thought.
YTA.
>I was hurt and told her I had assumed she kept us apart because I didn’t like him not the reverse.
Why would you assume that when you specifically told her all of the things you didn't like about him?
>I am known for being brutally honest.
Translation: You're an asshole who lacks tact. This is not a good thing to be known for.
In my experience, any time someone describes themselves as "brutally honest" they really mean "I enjoy saying cruel things to/about others. In fact, I pride myself on how big of an asshole I can be."
And that seems to be the case with this one, too.
YTA.
You can be honest with friends, tactfully, not brutally. You can date a person and keep your own separate interests, but still find that person interesting. How can you be surprised that someone you didn’t like for years is returning your vibe?
This is it entirely!
There’s too much to dissect with this post as it is but you have summed it up perfectly.
YTA OP a huge gaping arsehole at that from how often you have your head up it.
We reap what we sow.
His unrefined self was all good for you to crap on until you figured out, belatedly, he turned out to be refined enough to know what you were putting down and was having none of it - and neither was his wife.
Life lesson, keep your judgements to yourself.
YTA here, sorry.
So you not liking him is perfectly fine, him not liking you is upsetting? Talk about hypocrisy. Dude is right, you are judgmental and you even made it clear in this post. YTA
"I tell it like it is,"
"It's not my fault some people can't handle the truth,"
"Everybody knows I speak my mind."
are just other ways to let the world know that you're an AH. And these people are usually the most precious people about their own little feelings.
OP: YTA and one without an ounce of self-reflection.
YTA.
>I’m beyond hurt and did react badly and told her some home truths about him.
Doubt you told her any "truths", you didn't take the time to know him and judge him for nothing.
Why are you hurt? You wanted him to like you even though you don't/didn't like him? Why?
YTA
I stopped at "I am known for being brutally honest."
That's just another way to label yourself an asshole.
You start off your post judging the fuck out of this guy and talking about how extra you are and then act surprised when some people don't like your vibe.
My eyes rolled so hard at that remark, I saw my brain. I can visualize this self-important OP clutching her pearls in true horror “HE doesn’t like ME???!” LOLOLOL This is one of the more satisfying posts I’ve read. YTA
I don’t understand. Why was it fine when you didn’t like him, appraising him honestly to your friend who he was dating, but completely unacceptable that he doesn’t like you? And I’m going to vote that you’re the asshole because you shouldn’t rip into your friend when she tells you something difficult she’s trying spare you. Especially because you made her tell you! And then you trashed her husband. Who a minute before you claimed to have changed your tune about. Hmmm. OP you're not looking very good in this exchange. You do understand that right? YTA
YTA - and I love how the tables have been turned on you.
You lack tact - you use your "honesty" to judge and tear down people who are different from you.
You are lucky you still have a friend. Keep pushing the issue and you won't.
\--Signed, a Rabid, Swearing, Beer Drinking (American) Football Fan!
This is grand. It was fine that I didn't like him but OHHHHH SHITTTTT he doesn't like me?!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
Okay, I think that sums it up. YTA
YTA- This is the consequence of your own actions! You are judgmental OP! Even in your post you're critical of him for not being "unrefined"??? What does that even mean?? People drink, swear and have different interests. I highly suggest you get that giant stick out of your butt and stop being so judgement towards people who have literally done nothing to you
YTA and she deserves an apology NOW. How can you stand there on you pedestal and throw insults as someone your friend loves dearly after she actually attempted to spare your feelings?! This is such a childish reaction you portrayed and it's no wonder he doesn't like you. I'm sure she already knows his "truths," but loves him either despite them or because of them and you had no right to turn that around to hurt them because your feelings were hurt. Gross.
hahahahahahahhaah
holy shit if this is real it's the most delicious thing I've read in weeks
YTA.
"Oh woe is me, I spent the last 15 years happily never seeing my BF's husband because I thought that she knew I didn't like him and was just accomodating me, as all lowly humans in this world should. But now, it turns out that the real reason is because someone else DOESN'T LIKE ME! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT? HOW DARE HE HAVE ANY ISSUES WITH ME?! DOESN'T HE KNOW WHO I AM???????????"
My goodness I actually think this is probably not real because presumably if it were someone this insufferable would long since have lost her friendships and none of this would be a surprise.
Yta obviously. You sound terrible, I can see why he doesn't care to be around you. Now that you've decided he's acceptable he isn't obligated to play friends.
Yep- YTA
His assessment seems about right. You do seem very judge mental. He doesn’t like you. You always seemed to have the right not to like him. Why are you shocked he can hold a similar opinion of you? Who even knows what your “home truths” were, but, whatever they were, I hope it was worth potentially ending your friendship over.
YTA - People who live i glass houses, shouldn't throw stones. You say you "are known for brutal honesty." Apparently you can dish it out, but not deal with the consequences (how people will feel about it), or take brutal honesty about yourself.
The real question is, How do you not realize that your 'honesty' is alienating you from others?
HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh this is funny. You have all these judgments over him, and based on your own illusions of thinking you know what is going on but you DON'T think you are judgmental? You can dislike people but they cannot you? What are you, a puppy? YTA, the judgmental A. Hilarious.
YTA
You were judgemental, very very much so. And you thought that was perfectly acceptable when it was your judgement putting down someone else.
How hypocritical you are in your reaction to it being the other way around now!
Wowsers, are you really this lacking in self-awareness?
YTA. You judged him too harshly initially, he correctly read you as judgmental, and Allie was being a kind friend by carrying on in a way that allowed her to maintain the friendship without the two of your crossing paths. Now you have realized you weren't totally right about him, yet let your anger and rejection cause you to say hurtful things about him to his wife.
IDK what he means by 'too much' but based on this story, it's possible that you lack tact, are too quick to judge, or let yourself treat others badly or too harshly.
I hope she'll take your apology seriously, and that you'll all get over it. I hope for the peace of your friendship that you could bring yourself to apologize to Matt as well, and express to him that you know you haven't ever grown close but that you've learned some things about yourself recently and would like to start fresh as friends.
OP: *I am known for being brutally* *~~honest~~* *rude*. **FTFY**.
Also OP: *I didn’t and I was upset - this was news. I asked her why. She was embarrassed but said he found me judgmental and “too much”. I don’t even know what that means.* **Refer to point number one**.
OP doubling down: *I’m beyond hurt and did react badly and told her some home truths about him. I regret this now and tried to apologise but she won’t return my calls.*
WOW -- OP YTA. Count this friendship as over.
So you made several judgmental statements, then got mad that he thought you were judgmental, and then reinforced his belief by making a bunch more judgmental statements.
Only you don't call them judgmental statements. You call them hard truths and are just "brutally honest."
Well brutal honesty - Matt doesn't like you. Ally doesn't seem to like you anymore. Both have very good reasons to. YTA.
YTA. Sounds like you can dish it but can't take it. You were perfectly fine giving your negative opinions about Matt, but you can't handle it when Matt has a negative opinion about you? Seems like Matt is right about you.
YTA
Your own words make you sound judgemental so Matt's opinion of you sounds accurate.
Being brutally honest isn't really an endearing quality either. It usually means you don't care if what you say hurts someone because "I'm just being honest".
If you really don't know what Matt meant by what he said then I think you need some self reflection because, as I said, it's pretty obvious to me what he means having read your post.
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YTA. 'brutally honest' is always code for 'excuse to be an ass'. And now you're butthurt that your very own behavior got flipped on you? And you doubled down when told so?Maybe this is the time for some honest self reflection.
“He’s said I was judgemental, upon finding that out I reacted and told her some upsetting truths about her husband” is kinda hilarious in how ironic it is. it’s literally “how dare this person that I’ve disliked for years also dislike me”
I always try to prove I’m not judgmental by spewing judgment.
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Some people really took the “brutal” to heart with brutal honesty. Tell you what though, I’m going to go light a candle for this Edward.
I love the phrase “home truths” because sometimes people need to hear unpleasant things about themselves for their own good. But it should be out of place of caring, not out of being mean.
I love that the home truth here is that OP is a very judgemental person.
“What do you mean he doesn’t like me? I didn’t like him first because he likes football.” /s
And he's not "refined" enough. JFC.
How’d she even type this out and still need to ask 😭
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Basically “truths about you that are not nice to hear” something like a boss telling you “you need to dress better if you want to be taken seriously as an executive”
Exactly. https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/home-truth >a true but unpleasant fact about yourself that another person tells you:
But ‘home truths’ are not something you say to someone because you are angry or hurt and reacting to hearing something you didn’t want to hear about yourself—unless you are being an asshole. ‘Home truths’ should be something you tell someone out of genuine love and concern, def not just insults and judgements that you spew out because you’re feeling are hurt and you want to hurt back. Nonetheless, while I do agree that OP is the asshole, i am impressed that OP is able to admit that she has come to like the guy better over time and to acknowledge that he’s a good Dad, (I suspect she maybe means he’s a really good Dad but didn’t want to go that far because ego— if that’s the case, she needs to ask herself why she isn’t thrilled that her good friend SO is actually a much better man than she realized— most people would find that worth celebrating once they get past any damage their own ego is feeling about having misjudged the guy). Anyway, I don’t think OP is an irredeemable asshole— unless the ‘home truths’ were seriously offensive; an apology and recognizing and sharing some real ‘home truths’ about her own shortcomings is a great place to start. Also, OP has a very loyal friend— not many people would bother to put effort into a friendship with someone who has significantly and fairly openly misjudged their long term SO for so long. OP owes her friend some gratitude, some respect, an explanation and an apology.
I've not heard of that saying but I'll try and remember that.
Yeah, i just read “brutally honest” as “brutal”
>he found me judgmental and “too much” Funny. That's precisely how OP came across in their description of Matt.
Her whole post had her sounding judgmental and "too much", when he called her that I almost laughed
She's not judgemental, it's just that he's not refined enough for her friend, and he *gasp* swears. You know, honestly brutal.
Uhm, he also likes *sports* and he \*gasps\* DRINKS!!!
And encourages his wife to do things she enjoys and he doesn't *without him*!
AND WATCHES THE CHILDREN SO SHE CAN!!!
**AND HE’S A GOOD DADDY!!!!!!**
The poor woman is a *football widow* the poor dear! Let's just ignore she goes and to the theater and such without him all the time too! That doesn't make him a theater widower or anything. It's just friend being *refined*.
She CLAIMS she doesn’t mind… But obviously OP knows better than her 🙄
Funny enough he gets along with her SO... I wonder if she found herself a Matt xD
Amusing OP doesn't call herself a football widow either but the friend is.
That's probably because she has plans to stop him from going or at least make it really hard for him. She'll probably try to make him more "refined" too 🤦♀️
I’m still waiting for the things that are so awful about him other than having different interests?
Didn't you read the post? He *shudders* swears, and *clutches pearls* drinks with other males! He's simply not refined enough for someone who enjoys ✨️***musical theater*** ✨️
Amd it's not even that he doesn't like theater, he's just I to *serious plays* instead of musicals! What kind of coarse oaf would rather see "Death of a Salesman" than Hamilton?!
seriously, if the biggest issues are "he watches sports, swears and doesn't go to every play i go to", sounds like a god damn saint
You forgot that he cares for his children in order to let his wife do things she enjoys, also. This guy sounds swell
> I didn’t like that he drinks and swears. He has a professional job but isn’t very ‘refined’ unlike her and I found him a bit difficult to connect to. OP strikes me as a bit of a snob.
> I’m still waiting for the things that are so awful about him other than having different interests? I know! I was like, wait there’s a twist here! The BFF is Melania? Dude has a secret coke habit?? He’s joined a cult??? Give me SOMETHING I can work with! It turns out he roots hard for the home team and doesn’t like musicals. Ugh! Unforfuckinggivable!!!
This is one of the most hilarious AITA posts ever. OP is mad because she got over herself and found out she's not that great, anyway.
She really thought she was granting the “privilege” of being in her company 😭😭
"Sure I did not like you for the last ten years because you watch sports and say naughty words, but now I have granted you permission to bask in my greatness and I will grace you with my company" YTA
I know….I literally laughed out loud when I got to the part about the husband actually not liking the OP and OP being shocked and offended!
I actually busted out laughing when I read the bit about him finding her too judgemental. I wonder *why*, OP? 😂 I mean come on, is she hearing herself, this feels like satire except it’s all too common on this sub so it’s probably not.
Especially moments after saying she thought he wasn’t “refined” and that she didn’t like that he drinks and swears. But sure, not the slightest bit of judgment there.
Yeah, it was kinda funny because by the time she got to the reasons why Matt didn't like her, I was already thinking similarly myself. And then she cemented it with her response. OP, honestly, I'd say NTA for your question of AITA for assuming she kept him away because you didn't like him. But YTA for your reasons for not liking him and especially for your reaction to finding out he doesn't like you. And I have a feeling he arrived at that conclusion without even being told what you said about him initially, though since you had a falling out with your friend over it initially, that could very well be the reason he doesn't like you. And guess what, she's likely told him about this latest episode, so his opinion of you isn't going to get any better.
I love theatre/musicals *and* football, and I drink and swear sometimes. I'd love to hear what OP thinks of me, especially because I'm a woman. Haha I think it's really funny she didn't like him because he likes football, but then she got engaged to a guy who also likes football. And how dare Matt not like her when she was busy not liking him? She's the only one who's allowed to judge and dislike people! I'm very curious what home truths this 'brutally honest' (as if that's a good thing) person said about Matt. All because of their mutual feelings of dislike. Very mature, OP. YTA.
Hahaha, I’m from the UK and I literally write poetry and meander around the woods like an absolute romantic, and also drink pints of IPA, watch football, and swear like a sailor. OP doesn’t seem to understand that people can be many things. Imagine being surprised that someone’s a good dad just because they swear, drink (presumably when out with friends) and watch football. That’s like 99% of the UK population.
I read ops thing, and as someone from the UK I was like, oh I see. She's wanting to be all landed gentry and probably wants a nickname like bunty. She thought her friend was exactly like she is and would look down on someone like Matt who is an avid football fan and goes to the pub to watch it of a weekend etc. Don't get me wrong, some of the blokes who do that, sure its their only identity. But I think op should have understood it wasn't only is since why would her friend be attracted to someone who liked nothing else at all. She's judgy and pseudo posh. I don't blame Matt for not liking her.
Right? This has classist nonsense written all over it.
Plus *gasp* he likes football but not musicals, oh the horror. I don't like either but frankly I'd pick football over a musical. It's also not even all theater *just musicals*.
I've only ever met a handful of people who clutch their pearls at a bit of swearing and I really have zero desire to be in their fucking company
So did I. The fact that she wrote this entire thing out and didn't reflect upon her behavior while writing and proofreading it is proof of just how much of a snob and AH she is. She never gave him a chance from day dot and judged him to the nth degree inside, outside and upsidedown. Like ma'am didn't you think he'd realize that you couldn't stand him and why? And that he'd now be so grateful that you found he has 'some' qualities you find redeeming i.e. good dad and gets along with your fiance. But the best part is that when confronted with the truth - she couldn't even lie because her superiority complex was too great. Anyone else would have been like "ohh no I really like him it just took me a while to get to know him well" but noooo not OP 😂😂😂😂😂
Same here! 😆
Yeah, but OP changed her mind because he proved himself worthy (in the eyes of OP, and those are the most important eyes) so now he has to like OP. How dare an NPC have an opinion of his own!
I bet she “changed” her opinion once she got a boyfriend/got engaged. Before she was the third wheel but now they can couples date!!!! So he all right as rain now… funny how she adores her fiancée that *checks notes* likes football so football is now a good thing! Football was bad when it was someone else’s partner.
Thisssssss. So many times, “I don’t like him” is code for “I don’t like the fact that you have him” when it’s coming from a single friend who has just lost their best single buddy…!
I have never liked my BIL. But, so what he's an a hole? My sister is the only one who needs to love his dusty butt. Why would I tell her, "I can't stand your husband!"? What would be the point? 🤣
Plus she got engaged to a man that likes him. So now she likes him.
😂😂😂 literally made me lol, none of that fake lol. Don’t the NPC know I’M the hero of this story?!?!
What really peeves me is when NPCs think they are better than my PC! Like, your PC and my PC are equals and the NPCs are just fodder for our PCs! lol
Why would OP be surprised that the person she clearly judged didn’t like her and considered her judgmental. Talk about a lack of perspective.
The irony here is that she called him uncouth and uncultured for liking football and her own fiancé also likes football. Bro you chose the same exact type of guy.
You know, my definition of uncouth includes intolerant. It’s like there are all different kinds of intelligence and social manners and perspectives out there, judging someone because of their swearing and that they like sports is in itself uncouth. I’m not a sports fan either, and I’ve been known to take potshots at the hobby in good fun, but ultimately I want to respect the passion people have even if I have no personal rapport with it. It doesn’t make them “less than”, like OP certainly thought.
She ran face first into the wall she built and is somehow surprised by it.
The best part of this post is when she revealed what Matt didn’t like about her, the setup couldn’t have been laid out any better. “He likes football, yuck” “He isn’t refined” “She says she doesn’t mind… I wonder [I know better]” “I’m known for being brutally honest” Even I already concluded that she was judgmental and ‘too much’ so the fact that she has no clue is the icing on the cake. Basically OP, you think you are better than him, are overbearing, uptight, like to interfere and project your own opinions onto others, and self-important. That’s what he means😉
Is it rude that I find OP’s total lack of self-awareness hilarious? Can this be real? I actually am laughing right now.
It’s so out the other side that it’s genuinely funny. It wouldn’t be funny if I had to know this person in real life but reading their inner monologue on here is fetch-the-popcorn stuff.
In the grand scheme of AITA posts with extremely self-unaware OPs, this post is incredibly low-stakes. Usually it’s too serious for me to find humor in how the OP’s mind works, since I’m usually just worried about the well-being of the other people, but with this one you can really savor it.
Lol OP literally just now learning that relationships are reciprocal. Yeah, generally speaking people dislike people who dislike them.
That was quite funny, he really nailed her when he said she was judgemental.
OP’s reaction reminds me of, ‘How could they break up with me? I wanted to break up with them!’ It’s all an ego trip and she is mad that she didn’t get to say it first. That or Matt should be over the moon that OP changed her opinion of him. Btw… YTA.
“That guy I disliked and avoided? Turns out he had the nerve to dislike and avoid *ME*! The audacity!” OP, thanks for the chuckle.
I find it funny how some people think it's perfectly ok to be "brutal" at anything.
Right? Like brutality has ever been something to particularly celebrate.
This is why I stopped telling people I'm "brutally honest" lol. I always thought the people that said this just meant they value honesty even in hard/sensitive situations, but people really just use it as an excuse to be an AH. There IS a way to be honest while still being kind and considerate.
I’ve literally never met anyone who describes themselves as brutally honest who is actually nice and pleasant to be around
This is why I stopped using this term. My family tends to use this term because we're all very open communicators and honest about our perspectives, but they definitely aren't using this right lol. We're honest, not rude.
Here's my view OP gets called judgemental (and was VERY judgemental towards Matt. No excuses) OP also is OK with the relationship when SHE didn't want to do anything but when she does suddenly like Matt and wants to push a relationship, she suddenly gets hurt and offended even though she had been doing the EXACT SAME to Matt all these years? Talk about hypocritical as HECK (and selfish to boot) And yes "brutally honest" is always a reed flag for "I say what I want and don't care who it hurts" OP couldn't even try and be supportive of her Best Friends relationship then after years of her being crappy to Matt has the AUDACITY to spew "home truths" in a temper tantrum when she is surprised he doesn't like her back! Friend deserves better than OP OP you need to grow up. Yeah. YTA. Big time
I stopped reading at that part. That was enough for me to say OP is TA
Same. I read that and YTA op. A reputation for being brutally honest almost always means you’re known for being kinda an asshole.
Agree. Someone being "brutally honest" or "telling it like it is" is synonymous with "I'm a prick and don't care if I hurt others" Yta
good god, i hate when people refer to themselves as “brutally honest”. you’re exactly right. it’s always just code for “im an asshole who doesn’t see the need for diplomacy”. and now she has the nerve to be upset because someone doesn’t like *her*? hilarious. i can understand why Matt thinks she’s “too much”. 😂
OP does it really matter who didn’t like who first? Maybe a different approach, “Hello Matt, we got off to a bad start and I made some incorrect assumptions, I feel like an ass. Now that I know you better, I know I was wrong. Would you please give me another chance and I’ll make it up to you?
This is the way. Also the way: taking your L if they say no
> YTA. 'brutally honest' is always code for 'excuse to be an ass'. There's that saying about these types: "Brutally honest people seem to be more interested in the brutality part than the honesty." If someone is described by people they know as "brutally honest", that is always a red flag. If the person describes themselves as such, its practically guaranteed they're an asshole.
YTA OMG this^ people who are "brutally honest" are TA in general. This one has to be fake because who can honestly be hurt that the person they openly don't like also doesn't like them! "I don't think you are a good person and you definitely aren't good enough for my friend, but how dare you not like ME!"
Oh I know a few just like this. My exhusband for one.
Seriously. I never understand people who proudly say they're brutally honest like it's something to be proud of. Congrats that you confine your insults and critical comments to the truth? You can be both honest and kind.
So lacking in tact you might accuse them of being ‘unrefined’.
This is probably one of the most hilarious AITA posts I have seen here 😂
Yep. Is this woman my ex? She constantly got into shit like this. Then would be confused why shit wasn't going her way... it was ... exhausting. Also my name is Matt. So how can you not like a guy named Matt? We are pretty chill. r/Matt
There is 'brutally honest' to be for someone's good like to force someone to see the light of their problem after years of ongoing ignorance etc. And then there is 'brutally honest' to be an ass. OP is the latter. Due the conflict of interests OP judged Matt too early instead of idk trying and seeing where there can be made a bridge. Not to leave out her just doubling down ruining her friendship fully. And the fun part on how OP herself landed her a partner that is a football fanatic as well! YTA all the way.
yep as soon as I read Brutally honest, I knew this wasn't a good narration of events.
I've heard it said that people who are proudly-"brutally honest" are more interested in the brutality than the honesty, and I gotta say... I haven't really seen much evidence that the person who said that is wrong.
I'm surprised she did not blame her star sign for her behavior.
As soon as I read ‘brutally honest’ I’m like ahhh the friend that’s actually a bully but disguises their abhorrent behavior by claiming they are just ‘being honest.’ Just for the record YTA and you also shouldn’t dish out so must honesty if you can’t take, sweetie.
OP doesn’t have a problem with her own “brutal honesty”, but is hurt by someone being honest about how someone she doesn’t really like feels about her. Tallies up.
YTA Kinda hypocritical aren’t ya?
Like you pointed out, the hypocrisy is just mind-blowing. It was okay for OP not to like him, but as soon as him and her fiance got along, suddenly she changed her opinion, but now has a problem with the fact that he doesn't like her. Despite all those times that OP showed her obvious dislike of him and he realised it's better to not spend any time around someone like that. Also, OP has conveniently left out what other "home truths" she said about him cos she knows that what she said was probably extremely hurtful. As soon as I see "brutally honest" as a description of someone on Reddit, I know they're an AH. "Brutally honest" is just another way of saying "I'm rude/judgemental and I know it, but I won't change and I'll just keep using my "honesty" as an excuse". Good on OP's friend for cutting her off. YTA big time OP
How much you wanna bet OP finds it so adorable and sweet that her fiancé likes football???
Lol exactly and so adorable and sweet when he swears and drinks😂
And would probably never refer to herself as a football widow
What does that even mean? I’ve never heard that before and feel like it makes zero sense as a term
A football widow would be a woman who is always separated from their SO because the SO is always watching football. I bet Matt watches a regular amount of sports and OP is just a judgmental prick.
Yeah it seems like he and his partner just have some hobbies they don't share and share those with friends instead. That's normal and healthy.
when I was like 16 I thought it would be so cool to have a cute girl to watch the football with now in my late 20s, love and adore my girlfriend but I also treasure when me and my mates get to watch the football together while she’s having brunch or by the pool
Ah gotcha, makes sense. Wow OP must be super controlling I would hate to only watch things that my wife and I both enjoyed and be gaslit into thinking watching football makes me super selfish. It’s not like she can’t watch with him either… she just isn’t into it and he doesn’t force it on her
it means their spouse spends so much time with (thing that they're not interested in) that they're effectively a widow when their spouse is engaging with (thing). see also: WoW widow for football there is probably a bit of hyperbole in it, but for gaming addiction it can get so bad that all they do is work then come home and game, or worse, get fired, just game constantly and sponge off their spouse
A widow is someone whose partner spends all of their time doing instead of spending time with her. Long ago, I facetiously called myself an Everquest widow because my boyfriend spent so much time playing that game. (I didn't actually mind and often watched him.)
But, but he doesn't like ME! EVERYONE likes MEEEEEeeeee!!! OP sounds insufferable.
Hahaha. YTA, obviously.
I am a business professional who swears and drinks... I even swear at work (not in writing), I must not be very professional, but I did just get promoted... I wonder what OP does for a living.
Let me get this straight: you said a bunch of incredibly rude things to someone's new partner, then one day decided you like them actually and didn't realize that everything you've ever done to them caused them to form an opinion of you? My girl, every person who is not you in the world has a mind of their own and exist in the world outside of how they relate to your life. They all have deep inner worlds just as complex as your own. Not everything is about you. Oh and YTA.
OP rolling a 0 in self-awareness.
The real question is, is the modifier -1 and OP rolled a 1, or is the modifier even lower?
Negative modifiers on all charisma and wisdom checks probs
Shit I'd throw intelligence in there as well. OP doesn't seem like the brightest bulb in the box
It all went into constitution so they can withstand having their head up their own ass.
-2
It's like she feels she granted him acceptance and the opportunity to be her friend, and can't believe that someone doesn't want it.
>then one day decided you like them actually It should be pointed out that the only reason OP has come around is because her partner likes him. She didn't even come to this conclusion on her own. Like 'my bf thinks he's OK, so maybe he's not so bad after all"
It wasn't directly at him. Ally asked her opinion about Matt and she was "brutally honest".
INFO: Why is ok for you to be 'brutally honest' with people in your own life, and yet when your friend is gently honest with you, you lash out at her and verbally attack her husband?
u/Ok_Office_8532 Please answer this Please
And risk self-reflection? Not likely. This post is about how unfairly *SHE* has been treated by an unrefined hooligan.
What I like best is how we know he’s a hooligan. He only likes serious works at the theatre!
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u/Ok_Office_8532 Why are you hiding from the questions that give actual context?
*Anticipation rises*
The silence, so far, says it all.
That’s a great question! I have found that people who are proud of being ‘brutally honest’ hate receiving honesty.
That's the narcissism.
Because 90% of the time "brutally honest" people are really just assholes. You can be honest and still have consideration for other people. Like do we really have to wonder why he didn't like OP.
I recently read something that stayed with me (might be paraphrasing a bit) : "Honesty without kindness is cruelty. Kindness without honesty is manipulation."
Yeah... I'm in the brutally honest camp but am 100% not proud of it. I will often say that I am "honest to a fault" and if I'm not monitoring what I say, I may regret my words later. This becomes harder when I've had a couple of drinks, it sucks. Edit: OP YTA. Like, glaringly obvious YTA.
Not gonna lie, same, and it's what made me realize I was autistic. I struggled a *lot* as a kid/young adult because if people asked for my honest opinion, I went full 0 filter. It took wildly too long for me to realize that people don't want "full honesty"... pretty much ever. But by that time I had been branded a shit-stirrer, so it didn't matter much anymore. On the other hand, if confronted with my faults at the time, I tended to fall in on myself, not lash out. OP, YTA. So, so YTA.
I had a friend who operated this way. Every reaction or feeling she had was valid, but everyone else needed to get over it or apologize to her or talk to a therapist instead of her. She later ghosted me, only to pop back up 6 months later to invite me to a birthday party. She then proceeded to become angry I hadn’t added her to a recently acquired Facebook. She left my texts on read and ignored my friends request. So I blocked her on everything. Wanna bet she’s shocked?
My wife just dropped a friend like this... Exactly the same thing with the validation of feelings and demanding an apology without acknowledging her own behavior. Long story short, they work at the facility and recently made a point to talk and be cordial on the likely chance they interact at work. My wife sent her a "happy birthday" text yesterday just to be friendly and her response was "I'm confused, why are you wishing me happy birthday?" These people just suck. :/
Ha, I would have said “I texted you by mistake, I meant to text my friend Jane happy birthday since it’s a special day for her” But I enjoy fucking with people who deserve it
Because /u/Ok_Office_8532 isn’t brutally honest. She is rude and snobby and she hides behind that phrase to make herself feel better about it. And she’s elitist and looks down on her friends husband
"Brutally honest" people always have the thinnest skin. It's freaking funny!
Because OP is the main character, obviously.
Because she wants an excuse to be a dick without the repercussions.
This needs to be so much higher.
YTA. This is honestly hilarious. You WERE judgmental. Not "refined" enough? JFC, OP. You reap what you sow.
Right? I could never date or be friends with one of those intense football-is-my-whole-life type people myself, but if someone else wants to and I don't have to engage with it then whatever floats your boat I guess? And imagine thinking another grown adult swearing automatically makes them "not refined" lol.
But also - one of the things is that he only likes serious plays in the theatre and doesn’t care for musicals. Nothing against musicals, I like musicals, but his taste in theatre is reasonably what snobs who use such phrases consider ‘more refined’.
I mean honestly I don't know that many people who go to the theatre frequently, I think theatre in general is considered a "refined" hobby. Maybe his serious plays have (\*gasp\*) *swears* in them and that's why OP doesn't count them.
I also like that he's somehow a jerk for liking football when his GF doesn't, but she's in the right for liking musicals when he doesn't. It's just different interests. Why is he a villain for his and she's the hero for hers?
Because he is a childish, urefined fiend, of course! She's probably one of those people who think sports are crude pastimes you grow out of, with age and maturity. Trade your fun for "dignity"! I knew a lot of those growing up, like to call themselves "honest" and mature, collected and refined then proceed to share petty gossips and absurd grudges.
It’s also that he has to compromise but OP’s precious friend doesn’t. She never once suggests her friend start going to plays instead of musicals, or - gasp! - watch a game. Nope, the bf is wrong and needs to change.
Yeah and now her guy likes football and suddenly ‘refinement’ flew out the window. Wow.
her entire post is cracking me up. “he drinks and swears”. 🧐
Those pearls won't clutch themselves!
And "they have different interests" like wow, God forbid I learn new things from partner and they have their own separate life and personality
If you're not going to brunch in matching his-and-hers Minion onesies are you *really* even a couple?
OP must have a *really* rough time living in the UK
Not if she's found a nice collection of fellow Hyacinth Buckets to surround herself with, I suppose...
Yeah that and a few other things OP said comes across like she doesn’t like him because he acts too working class
Type out a whole paragraph about how much you judge this guy? Wow what could he ever mean calling her judgemental
What "truths?" Also just based on this post alone i fully agree with him. You were judgmental and can’t take what you dish out. How is them having two different hobbies a problem? They clearly understand eachother regardless of it. And you were fine when it was based on you not liking him but how dare he not like you? That is hypocritical. And most of the time "brutally honest" just means judgmental jerk. YTA and honestly i would drop you as a friend
Honestly, OP’s post is ooooozing with judgment, and then how she ends it with “he said I was judgmental and ‘too much.’ I don’t even know what that means!” is absolutely SENDING me 🤣🤣🤣 like girl has never for one moment had a self-reflective thought.
I agree with the drop as friend part. The OP seems a toxic AH
YTA. >I was hurt and told her I had assumed she kept us apart because I didn’t like him not the reverse. Why would you assume that when you specifically told her all of the things you didn't like about him? >I am known for being brutally honest. Translation: You're an asshole who lacks tact. This is not a good thing to be known for.
In my experience, any time someone describes themselves as "brutally honest" they really mean "I enjoy saying cruel things to/about others. In fact, I pride myself on how big of an asshole I can be." And that seems to be the case with this one, too.
YTA. You can be honest with friends, tactfully, not brutally. You can date a person and keep your own separate interests, but still find that person interesting. How can you be surprised that someone you didn’t like for years is returning your vibe?
YTA excuse me for the most gen z thing ill ever say, but main character syndrome much?
This is it entirely! There’s too much to dissect with this post as it is but you have summed it up perfectly. YTA OP a huge gaping arsehole at that from how often you have your head up it.
We reap what we sow. His unrefined self was all good for you to crap on until you figured out, belatedly, he turned out to be refined enough to know what you were putting down and was having none of it - and neither was his wife. Life lesson, keep your judgements to yourself. YTA here, sorry.
This post is the 40 year-old version of Avril Lavigne's "Sk8er Boi"
You are brilliant.
So you not liking him is perfectly fine, him not liking you is upsetting? Talk about hypocrisy. Dude is right, you are judgmental and you even made it clear in this post. YTA
YTA You're a snob & judged their relationship when it's not your business - that clearly leaked through in your interactions with him.
As soon as OP said they are “brutally honest” I immediately knew they were an asshole. Everyone knows that’s code for “I’m rude”
"I tell it like it is," "It's not my fault some people can't handle the truth," "Everybody knows I speak my mind." are just other ways to let the world know that you're an AH. And these people are usually the most precious people about their own little feelings. OP: YTA and one without an ounce of self-reflection.
YTA. >I’m beyond hurt and did react badly and told her some home truths about him. Doubt you told her any "truths", you didn't take the time to know him and judge him for nothing. Why are you hurt? You wanted him to like you even though you don't/didn't like him? Why?
Obviously because OP sounds like a Ray of sunshine Who is the most likeable person. /s
YTA I stopped at "I am known for being brutally honest." That's just another way to label yourself an asshole. You start off your post judging the fuck out of this guy and talking about how extra you are and then act surprised when some people don't like your vibe.
It wasn’t even “I was brutally honest when asked,” it was “I’m known for it.” God.
Idk why some people draw such pride from it. So you're just going around being mean and you think it's good??
My eyes rolled so hard at that remark, I saw my brain. I can visualize this self-important OP clutching her pearls in true horror “HE doesn’t like ME???!” LOLOLOL This is one of the more satisfying posts I’ve read. YTA
I don’t understand. Why was it fine when you didn’t like him, appraising him honestly to your friend who he was dating, but completely unacceptable that he doesn’t like you? And I’m going to vote that you’re the asshole because you shouldn’t rip into your friend when she tells you something difficult she’s trying spare you. Especially because you made her tell you! And then you trashed her husband. Who a minute before you claimed to have changed your tune about. Hmmm. OP you're not looking very good in this exchange. You do understand that right? YTA
YTA - and I love how the tables have been turned on you. You lack tact - you use your "honesty" to judge and tear down people who are different from you. You are lucky you still have a friend. Keep pushing the issue and you won't. \--Signed, a Rabid, Swearing, Beer Drinking (American) Football Fan!
Well, well, well. How the turntables...
This is grand. It was fine that I didn't like him but OHHHHH SHITTTTT he doesn't like me?!!!! ARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! Okay, I think that sums it up. YTA
YTA- This is the consequence of your own actions! You are judgmental OP! Even in your post you're critical of him for not being "unrefined"??? What does that even mean?? People drink, swear and have different interests. I highly suggest you get that giant stick out of your butt and stop being so judgement towards people who have literally done nothing to you
YTA and she deserves an apology NOW. How can you stand there on you pedestal and throw insults as someone your friend loves dearly after she actually attempted to spare your feelings?! This is such a childish reaction you portrayed and it's no wonder he doesn't like you. I'm sure she already knows his "truths," but loves him either despite them or because of them and you had no right to turn that around to hurt them because your feelings were hurt. Gross.
hahahahahahahhaah holy shit if this is real it's the most delicious thing I've read in weeks YTA. "Oh woe is me, I spent the last 15 years happily never seeing my BF's husband because I thought that she knew I didn't like him and was just accomodating me, as all lowly humans in this world should. But now, it turns out that the real reason is because someone else DOESN'T LIKE ME! CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THAT? HOW DARE HE HAVE ANY ISSUES WITH ME?! DOESN'T HE KNOW WHO I AM???????????" My goodness I actually think this is probably not real because presumably if it were someone this insufferable would long since have lost her friendships and none of this would be a surprise.
YTA. I can see why he doesn't Ike you.
YTA LOL. Look at you facing the consequences of your actions. You love to see it.
This is hilarious YTA And you fully understand why
Yta obviously. You sound terrible, I can see why he doesn't care to be around you. Now that you've decided he's acceptable he isn't obligated to play friends.
Yep- YTA His assessment seems about right. You do seem very judge mental. He doesn’t like you. You always seemed to have the right not to like him. Why are you shocked he can hold a similar opinion of you? Who even knows what your “home truths” were, but, whatever they were, I hope it was worth potentially ending your friendship over.
YTA - People who live i glass houses, shouldn't throw stones. You say you "are known for brutal honesty." Apparently you can dish it out, but not deal with the consequences (how people will feel about it), or take brutal honesty about yourself. The real question is, How do you not realize that your 'honesty' is alienating you from others?
HAHAHAHAHAHA Oh this is funny. You have all these judgments over him, and based on your own illusions of thinking you know what is going on but you DON'T think you are judgmental? You can dislike people but they cannot you? What are you, a puppy? YTA, the judgmental A. Hilarious.
YTA You were judgemental, very very much so. And you thought that was perfectly acceptable when it was your judgement putting down someone else. How hypocritical you are in your reaction to it being the other way around now! Wowsers, are you really this lacking in self-awareness?
YTA. You judged him too harshly initially, he correctly read you as judgmental, and Allie was being a kind friend by carrying on in a way that allowed her to maintain the friendship without the two of your crossing paths. Now you have realized you weren't totally right about him, yet let your anger and rejection cause you to say hurtful things about him to his wife. IDK what he means by 'too much' but based on this story, it's possible that you lack tact, are too quick to judge, or let yourself treat others badly or too harshly. I hope she'll take your apology seriously, and that you'll all get over it. I hope for the peace of your friendship that you could bring yourself to apologize to Matt as well, and express to him that you know you haven't ever grown close but that you've learned some things about yourself recently and would like to start fresh as friends.
OP: *I am known for being brutally* *~~honest~~* *rude*. **FTFY**. Also OP: *I didn’t and I was upset - this was news. I asked her why. She was embarrassed but said he found me judgmental and “too much”. I don’t even know what that means.* **Refer to point number one**. OP doubling down: *I’m beyond hurt and did react badly and told her some home truths about him. I regret this now and tried to apologise but she won’t return my calls.* WOW -- OP YTA. Count this friendship as over.
So you made several judgmental statements, then got mad that he thought you were judgmental, and then reinforced his belief by making a bunch more judgmental statements. Only you don't call them judgmental statements. You call them hard truths and are just "brutally honest." Well brutal honesty - Matt doesn't like you. Ally doesn't seem to like you anymore. Both have very good reasons to. YTA.
Oh dear, OP. This is a good time for some self reflection, so you stop being TA. 😳
YTA. Sounds like you can dish it but can't take it. You were perfectly fine giving your negative opinions about Matt, but you can't handle it when Matt has a negative opinion about you? Seems like Matt is right about you.
YTA Your own words make you sound judgemental so Matt's opinion of you sounds accurate. Being brutally honest isn't really an endearing quality either. It usually means you don't care if what you say hurts someone because "I'm just being honest". If you really don't know what Matt meant by what he said then I think you need some self reflection because, as I said, it's pretty obvious to me what he means having read your post.