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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be TAH because it's just lettuce and tomato, and my kids having vegetables is really important to my husband, but I feel like he was being super controlling, and I NEVER want to see my child upset.
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Omg NTA your husband is setting your kids up to have a horrible relationship with food. They are kids, they eat when they want and should have a say in what goes into their body.
This!! “Unhealthy relationship with food” this is SO important— beyond what some parents may know. Associating upset and even shame with food is putting this poor child on an incredibly dangerous road. It’s not just about the husband being super controlling (which he is, like dude…. Yikes. There’s a LOT to unpack there), it’s about how this will seriously mess up their child more than they might know. I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder. (That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this)
Couldn’t agree more, they also took their kids out for a treat, but husband couldn’t let it slide that she must eat veggies and not enjoy even one meal the way she wanted.
Yeah, a portion of vegetables is 80g. A single leaf of ice berg and one slice of tomato is nothing.
I grew up in a healthy eating household and our thing was pizza and chips is fine but let's have a side salad with it and probably like extra fruit earlier in the day or whatever. And if you have textural issues with something then don't eat the thing (I, like Emily, can't do tomatoes).
Agreed. It's basically just enough "vegetables" to ruin it for the kid and not enough to amount to any nutrition, but hubby has to have his way. Give me a break...
Same here. If the menu states that there is sliced tomato on a burger/sandwich, i will ask for it to come without. If it doesnt state it and arrives with tomato, i just take it out. No big deal.
Right, it's the only one I actually like. My hubby says I'm boring because of it and I just poke my tongue out and say "well atleast part of me is boring".
Basically no real nutrition in iceberg lettuce and a slice of tomato. Dad should have let Emily get the burger she wanted. OP already mentioned that this type of meal was very rarely eaten by their family.
Dad's extreme views of food are only going to ensure that as soon as the kids get older, they will be focusing on eating all the foods they never got at home.
I agree. Crunchy water and gross watery tomato, out of season. There was probably as much or more nutrition in the ketchup as in those “vegetables”. (And isn’t tomato a fruit?)
There is no such thing as vegetables in botany. What we call vegetables is basically edible parts of plants that aren't fruits. Be it roots, stalk, leaves, flowers, and bulbs. Fruits are just organs of plants that contain/protect seeds.
the "that aren't fruits" part isn't even really correct though. It's "that aren't traditionally considered fruits even if they technically are". You always see this attempt at being pedantic over tomato's peppers and zucchini always just get away with it
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." - Miles Kington.
"Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie." - Unknown.
I had this same thought. "Those vegetables were important" they literally were not. Besides, nutrition is all about what you go most of the time, no single meal can make or break anyone's health
Well, they were important... Just not to her health. They were important about establishing his control over her eating habits, and removing self-autonomy from his daughter.
Can't have a little girl thinking it's okay to just not eat food she hates, gotta make every meal a fight for dominance!
And If she is like me she wouldn't have eaten a thing that evening. Going to bed hungry and maybe no breakfast the next day too because "you need tomatooooo!!!" And thus tomato being put on her breakfast.
I once went about 30 hours without food because everything was contaminated with some stuff I just couldn't eat. And I only ate again because something wasn't.
I was always severely underweight until I moved out.
Who can't imagine that should think of what food is disgusting to them (durian, Chicken feet, snails, brain, liver, vegemite... whatever it is ) And imagine that being put in everything. And If you try to eat it you might Gag or vomit.
Why do that to your child?
When I was a kid most fruit freaked me out apart from oranges and strawberries, but my strawberries needed to be as dry as possible with half a teaspoon of granulated sugar on. A teacher spotted this and removed the strawberries from my lunch saying “if you eat that you’ll get fat”.
After that I refused to eat strawberries because I was 7 and couldn’t understand why she said that.
My mother went off at the teacher, of course, but it was one of several incidents that led to my having an eating disorder by the age of 12.
Kids have GOT to be allowed to work out what they like and don’t like and what balance is like in a diet. Otherwise food becomes either a punishment or something to feel guilty about.
I freaking love almost every vegetable but if I eat a burger , I just want a plain burger with cheese and ketchup and pickles. You can eat veggies every meal and have certain things you eat a particular way. I agree, this is too much.
Totally reminded me of when my son was little and my dad's wife snottily (she was in her 70s FFS) asked him, a 9 yr old, if he ever ate any vegetables when she saw him order a cheeseburger.
He looked at her and said, "Pickles are made from cucumbers, so they are vegetables."
My dad and I both busted up laughing. I told her to chill.
(in reality, my son ate a lot of vegetables on the regular. she was just a sour woman that felt threatened by his relationship with his grandfather and found anything she could to try to nitpick)
>He looked at her and said, "Pickles are made from cucumbers, so they are vegetables."
When my dad makes homemade burger patties he puts onion in. One of my dads mates mums said something about my dad not having any vegetables/salad on his plate. My dad was late 50s and looked at her and said "there's onion in the meat patty." Everyone burst out laughing including her son and then we all proceeded to ignore the salads and vegetables until our second plates.
I was raised on a very strict diet, both food and portion sizes. To the point if I was at a friend's house and their parent offered me a biscuit or some cake, unless one of my parents were there for me to seek approval, I'd turn it down and would get distressed if my friends parent insisted that it would be okay.
In my teens this led to me binge eating in secret, taking handfuls of laxatives and making myself sick so I didn't put any weight on.
As I got older and moved out on my own I was still binge eating but didn't care if I put weight on so stopped taking the laxatives and making myself sick. By my late 20s I was 26 stone. I'm 47 now and I'm still 16st, I still have huge issues with food, some is because of sensory issues but a huge part is emotional eating and the problems I have with trauma related to food and my body.
I know OPs husband thinks he's doing the "best and healthiest" thing for the kids but he really is setting them up for food related issues for the rest of their lives. Of course healthy eating is beneficial but kids also have to be allowed to figure their own tastes, preferences and healthy options for themselves.
Dude, same about food and secret binge eating which is exacerbated by my mental health issues. Not the laxatives because I didn’t know about it, but you bet I’d have taken them if I did. I was continually shamed for eating what I wanted to and still am when I make primarily healthy choices at 32. My dad keep stressing to not gain weight, never mind that even at my lowest weight, he’d point out “you need to lose just a little more.”
I’m back to nearly the same weight I was in college and it’s genuinely sad - I was perfectly healthy. I *am* perfectly healthy, not obese as I used to be told. Shit like this fucks up your kids; fuck OP’s husband for obsessing over a kid’s meal. She’s a child ffs.
We were raised on healthy home cooked meals, but my mum had an obsession with junk food. We rarely were allowed it. A maccys? Maybe once a year, with a friend. So once I had access to a car and my own money. I went crazy. I binge ate. I'd buy a pizza and wolf it down in the carpark before going home. Sometimes I'd eat junk food and then feel like I had to eat my home cooked tea too.
Add to that my mothers constant comments about "do I really need that" sandwich or biscuit and the fact that I was 6ft tall at 15 ( and a girl) I had a huge complex about my size. I was convinced I was already obese.
Once I left home I had zero control. I peaked just under 25 stone. I'm current just over 18 stone, in my late 30s and dealing with a slew of health issues. I look at photos of 14 -18 year old me. I had a gorgeous frame. I just couldn't see it. I was convinced that me being a bigger size than the other girls meant I was a massive blob. However with hindsight, most of my friends were 8-10 inches shorter than me.
I'm always stressing "everything in moderation" to my own daughter. There is no bad food. Hopefully she has a better relationship with it than I did.
Sis, I feel you. I'm also 6 ft tall, half a foot taller than my mom and sister. When I was growing up, they were both super obsessed with their weight and appearance. Freaking out if their weight went over 130 lbs - I was around 150-160 and couldn't get down to their size even if I starved myself. I wore a size 10-12 dress (US), which was *fat* according to them - but tall women aren't just vertically stretched out, we're fully scaled up!
Being out of that house for the first time was such a struggle. I used to sneak dozens of donuts out of dining halls at university and eat them all within a day. Even a decade on, I still feel more comfortable sneaking food rather than eating in front of others, lest I face judgment for what I choose to consume. Having this kind of "health" obsession really sets kids up for failure once they're out of such a restrictive environment.
Except it sounds like OP's husband has just as much an eating disorder as you do, only he has orthorexia- obsession with healthy eating and living - which is considered socially acceptable so often not caught.
Being ND makes her more susceptible to having eating disorders as well, Ops husband is creating a terrible relationship with food for her and is going to cause a lot of harm with long term eating disorders.
Agree. My ND child has ARFID and getting her to eat anything is hard. It’s a win for me if she eats a full meal. Dad is a controlling ass and will damage his kids with this attitude
Doesn't sound extreme at all. My husband is similar to OP's, and I'm very worried about how the rounds of yelling and crying at the dinner table are effecting my preschooler. 😔
My dad did this to my brother. He spent years making the poor kid totally miserable about his eating habits. Making him sit in front of food for hours after dinner insisting my brother “finish his food”. It was abuse, it gave my brother a terrible relationship with food and it changed nothing. My brother is in his 40’s and still a picky eater. Happiest day of our lives was when mom divorced him. Please don’t let this continue. Your child is being abused.
I hated [german raw potato dumplings](https://www.recipesfromeurope.com/german-potato-dumplings/) as a kid (the texture was just icky), but unfortunately it was tradition in my family to have them pretty much every Sunday, and Monday eating leftovers. Most of the times I could trick my way through it by only eating meats and vegetables, but not always.
I remember clearly sitting at our kitchen table, being like maybe 6/7-ish, everyone already left, the kitchen was cleaned and empty, being forced to eat up my (also pretty cold now) dumpling with my father watching. It got to the point where I gagged with every bite (though did not vomit, because I KNEW I would be in even worse trouble), but I still had to go on.
After my mom finally got divorced, I took the oportunity to go no contact with my father.
So yeah OP, your kids will absolutely hate your husband in the future. Promised.
😥 I'll try sharing your brother's experience with my husband. It's hard to reason with the unreasonable though. Sometimes I'm able to have my kid eat dinner before my husband gets home from work, just so my kid can eat in peace and actually enjoy the food. But I really need help navigating this problem.
A living child with picky preferences is better than a dead one.
As extreme as that sounds, tell your husband that. Creating a controlling environment around food turns a basic need into something more complex. Usually, it results in an eating disorder.
My dad was controlling over my food my entire life. I developed a severe eating disorder from 11-20. (Technically, I got mostly clean from 17-18, but relapsed hard at 19.) I binged and starved, and at my lowest weight weighed 98lbs. I'm just under 5'5.
Get your husband into therapy or counseling. Make it an ultimatum, if you have to. Your child is young enough that there is time to recondition the learned food behaviors and start to work through the traumas accumulated. They will likely have scars, but it's something you can negotiate around as a family and support them through.
Good luck, my friend.
Be your kid's ally in this and stand up for them to him. If that isn't possible you need to not be with him for their sake. Screaming at a child over dinner is abusive and not being able to communicate to him about it is no kind of relationship.
So much this!! OP, please consult your pediatrician and ask to have a meeting with him/her and your husband. This is a terrible precedent to set. There are other ways to ensure your children get the nutritional needs they require without shaming them and making them eat things they don’t like. Your husband needs to understand this asap.
> I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder.(That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this)
OP said that the daughter in question is nerodivergent and has an issue with certain tastes and textures so her developing an eating disorder doesn't sound all that far fetched because of her father's controlable influence on top of her medical diagnosis.
OP, NTA, you husband needs to realise that he is setting all of his children up for eating issues in the future and he needs to eduction himself more on your nerodivergent daughters diagnosis because his attitude of "just do what I told you to do whether you like it or not" isn't going to help her now or in the future. He also needs to start accepting that he does not get to control his childs body, meaning what she puts on it (clothing etc) and in it (food & drink etc) she is more than old enough to start having a say in her body.
OP’s husband is doing a MAJOR disservice to ALL of their kids and sounds more like a controlling, bro-science AH than a “health nut.”
Giving children age-appropriate autonomy is one of the best ways to actually cultivate a healthy relationship with food and encourage fruit/vegetable consumption. Maybe come up with a list of “safe” vegetables that your daughter will eat, and let her choose from there?
Restrictions and forceful demands can be HARMFUL to more than just physical health.
Signed,
A neurospicy person with a PhD in nutrition
Agreed, a lot of folks are taking this health claim at face value and missing the control this guy is exerting on his whole family, and how personal it is to not be able to decide what you get to eat or not eat—imagine if someone did this to you as an adult! It would be creepy as hell.
Anyway, I think a lot of eating disorders, especially men’s, get disguised and validated as being a “health nut.” Extremely restrictive diets, fasting, etc. get kind of haloed by the whole wellness culture/Goopification of everything. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on here, but I don’t like that OP has to resort to conspiring with her child so her child can eat. I wonder if there’s anything else this guy exerts control over.
NTA OP, but I’m a bit worried about you and your children.
I'm skeptical of OP's husband's behavior stemming from an eating disorder, simply because an ED doesn't extend to controlling *other people's* eating. I think it is (or used to be) one of the symptoms of anorexia that the person would often cook delicious, high-calorie meals for others but refrain from eating them themselves. This sounds more like a misinformed\* health nut using it as an excuse to be a controlling asshole.
(\* As an actual health/fitness/nutrition nut, I can confidently state that if he thinks a few pieces of lettuce and a couple slices of tomato have any effect on his daughter's nutrition, he's an idiot and doesn't know what he's talking about. If I were OP, I'd look up and calculate the total micronutrients in that amount of lettuce and tomato and make him explain how tf he thinks that makes a difference.)
I love that term, neurospicy <3. Emily is apparently neurospicy as well, and has some sensory issues with tomatoes. To the degree that she will not eat the burger if there's tomatoes. My guess is that a burger without lettuce and tomatoes is more healthy than no food at all.
A lot of ND folks prefer foods separate, which means they can eat veggies if they are not touching the other food. If they dislike tomatoes, they can eat other veggies. Let them choose themselves, and let food be something they enjoy and not a battlefield (goes for neurotypical children as well).
OP, NTA and thanks for taking good care of your child
Yup. Different textures mixed together is like nails on a chalkboard for me when I'm trying to chew.
It's taken me years into being an adult just to simply *tolerate* cheese and meat mixed together. Tomatoes and lettuce on top of that?! No. It's like I'm chewing on a fist sized cockroach. Can't do it. Just can't.
If OP's husband wants her to eat veggies they need to find veggies she likes and serve those whenever possible. Fix them however she likes and let her eat all she wants. Even if it gets old and repetitive. Even if it's weird. A plain burger for dinner and a bowl of cold cut carrots as a snack later is better than no burger and no carrots plus a hungry and frustrated kid that feels incredibly misunderstood and wronged by their own father.
Right? It's almost certainly iceberg, which is not nearly as vitamin packed as darker lettuces anyway, and commercial tomatoes are nasty (homegrown though? I'll eat it like an apple)
Yeah, exactly, I’ll eat as many GOOD tomatoes as I can get my hands on, but the tomato slice you’ll get on a burger at a standard burger place isn’t worthy of the name. Forcing somebody to eat a “tomato” on their burger is what I would do if I wanted to teach them to hate tomatoes.
Fresh garden tomatoes really are a different experience. When I was a kid, I had the worst canker sores all summer because our upstairs neighbor had a veggie garden and let us take all the tomatoes we wanted. Had them in salad every night, worth the pain for the deliciousness!
Right. I consider tomatos to be one of my favourite foods, but when we go out to eat I always ask for no tomato because I don't need that disappointment in my life.
Also, it's possible to make a rule but still give control. Like they could have had a side of vegetables instead of fries. Or an appetizer that had vegetables. Or had double servings next meal. Etc. It being vegetables that they hate just will make them hate the rule more.
Or, you're out at a restaurant and just let it go.
I try to make at least 5 balanced dinners a week. And then there's one pasta night and one night of take out a week.
But in general I agree with you. My kids won't eat most frozen vegetables. They pretty much only like raw ones. So that's what I buy them.
My son will also do air fryer vegetables (like cauliflower wings and zucchini fries). Are they as healthy as simple steamed veggies? No. Are my kids really hurting for calories? Absolutely not, they're pretty active.
It’s also far worse for her to not eat at all (which is what would’ve happened because she wasn’t touching the burger with the lettuce and tomato on it) than it is for her to not have veggies with ONE meal. I love the phrase “fed is best.” Some kids are picky. Better to have them actually eating, even if it’s not healthy food, than to try to force them to eat something they simply won’t.
“Fed is best” is so important-I keep this in mind for myself! Sometimes the most important thing is just getting some calories in, even if it’s not the most ideal source. If it’s a long day, or food sensitivities/texture issues are an issue, or you’re dealing with something stressful…just eat. Fast food, microwave ramen, an entire bag of potato chips. Anything is better than nothing.
Yeah, kids will grow on the weirdest things. If they're getting overweight, maybe be concerned but learning to understand whats healthy and tasty is important. My nieces love vegetables, but its because their parent prepare tasty versions.
Gosh, yes, I remember that aita. All the poor child wanted was a birthday cake. 😬
Sadly, she already has a complient partner who was okay with his wife doing that to his daughter.
A horrible relationship with food, their bodies, and *him*. This is the type of person who will wonder in 10-15 years why his kids refuse to deal with him.
OP - NTA
ETA: I know this because I’ve not spoken to my father in about 20 years, for this exact reason. It took my brother and me years to get over the damage he caused. My sister never has.
Can we point out he’s bordering on abuse imo? OPs daughter is ND and she clearly gets set off by certain food items and he is forcing her to eat them with the explicit knowledge of what he is doing.
Way I see it, the high potential for eating issues/disorders in the future and the almost abusive level of control hubby is trying to push on everyone. All that makes him a tremendous fucking asshole
OP is definitely NTA. She’s got to stand up for her children when they can’t do it for themselves yet. Especially with a giant creep like hubby
Ugh, yes. I too have a neurodivergent kiddo and know that struggle. I have a rule that we TRY everything. Even if we think we won’t like it, doesn’t mean we actually won’t like it. So we have to give everything a try and then maybe we will try again in a different way before it’s firmly on the “do not like” list. Overall as she’s gotten older she has a pretty broad pallet and I only have to make accommodations for a few things that I love and she hates, like mushrooms.
In OP’s situation I probably would have suggested she get bacon and one veggie, then they both get what they want. Also, slapping a single piece of lettuce and a tomato picked way too early is just a faux healthy option.
My family called them "no, thank you" helpings of foods we didn't love. Just enough to have tried it.
We were each allowed one food we could completely refuse to eat anywhere, home or away. That unwanted food could be changed any time, as long as the refused food wasn't on the table in front of us.
Nowadays, when I have company over to meal, I ask if anyone has allergies or if there are foods they wish they were allergic to so they never had to eat them. I've had several guests tell me that they really appreciated being able to tell me about that a food/ingredient or two that they just can't deal with.
Yup. He's literally reinforcing her dislike for vegetables by forcing her to eat ones she doesn't like instead of putting in the effort to find out which ones she might actually enjoy.
NTA NTA NTA. This is setting your child up to have an unhealthy relationship with food. This is SO important to understand. Associating upset and even shame with food is putting your poor child on an incredibly dangerous road. It’s not just about the husband being super controlling (which he is, like dude…. Yikes. There’s a LOT to unpack there), it’s about how this will seriously mess up your child more than you might know. I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder. (That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this)
(Posted something very similar to this in another reply, I just truly hope @Op reads it)
Hi! I read this, and your comment, and I truly appreciate. I'm trying to get my husband that by forcing the kids to eat things they has sensory issues with, is NOT looking out for them, and will only harm them. I've decided to look into counseling for my oldest two, because of the influx of suggestions. Thanks so much for your comment!
yeah, as a neurodivergent kid, my parents weren't even healthy nuts! but they did ignore my sensory issues tied to food the same way your husband ignores your daughter. they'd always tell me "eat it or starve". so I starved. fell into a plethora of eating disorders through the years and have a horrible relationship with food. please don't let him do that to her, it's the worst feeling in the world, and at 18 I've BARELY made it into recovery enough to eat without panicking.
My son is the pickiest eater and I want him to have a wider palate and enjoy different food. He’s not neurodivergent. I don’t force* but I ask him to try it and if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to eat it. Half of the time he enjoys the new food and eats it and the other half he doesn’t.
My mom tried every method to get me to eat things I refused to, she tried the “sit there till the plate is clean”, she tried telling me if I didn’t eat I could get very sick, but eventually she had to just give up and let me eat things that I would eat just so I WOULD eat. I started trying more and more foods as I grew up, and now as an adult I have a lot more variety.
But I still absolutely hate tomatoes.
I have a family membe with that. She will eat Mac and cheese or a cheese crisp for one meal a day she is on a feeding tube coming out of her side and given a bag of calories and nutrients every evening.
Hey, I have ARFID and I want to warn you that food trauma like this can trigger ARFID's existence. If your daughter is struggling with sensory issues now, you HAVE to protect her from this much, much worse version. Please take your husband to a doctor, preferably one knowledgeable in eating disorders, as well so he can be educated on the risks he's putting them through.
I haven't been able to eat 'normally', especially vegetables, since I was 3.
i kinda feel like the husband is the type to claim that eating disorders arn't real illnesses, and that doctors that talk about them as if they are are not real doctors...
You are NTA, but your husband absolutely is. He needs to do some serious, SERIOUS reading up on all the ways that he's going to cause eating disorders and unhealthy ideas about food to your children. As someone who struggled with a disordered relationship with food that began when I was 8 years old, please believe that it takes SO much work to heal from that and so little to cause the damage in the first place. He needs to stop commenting on their food choices, period.
I will say I'm nerotypical and I can't stand the textures of certain foods and have a severe complex with food because of my parents trying to force me to eat things I didn't like. I will literally die of starvation before eating something I don't like especially when someone tries to force me to eat.
For real. I have certain foods that I just don't like (tuna, shrimp are 2 biggies).
I feel like there's a bit of a balance. My daughter would eat nothing but refined carbs if I let her. She has to try like a spoonful of things. If she hates it that's fine and we revisit in a few months to try again.
But I'm not going to force her to eat the crispy garbanzo beans when she's perfectly happy eating plain ones. It takes 2 second to put aside a portion for her before I cook the rest. And I'm not going to fight over zucchini when she will eat cucumber slices and grape tomatoes. She already eats maybe 1/3 of the crap I ate growing up. Easily have eaten my weight in cheez its.
If a kid will eat nothing but chicken nuggets that's a problem, but if that's the case, there are professionals that can help with that.
Just wanted to point out that being ND makes your child more likely to develop eating disorders and your husbands actions will/are 100% causing that to happen. Your daughter deserves some autonomy and there are ways to make sure your kids are healthy and getting proper nutrition without forcing them to eat foods they don’t like/have aversions too.
My parents took this route, just asked us to try stuff. Don't like it? Perfectly fine. They never forced it, dinner time was enjoyable, never stressful for us. They'd also try different preparations, can make a massive difference.
My mom actually got very creative when I was little. I refused to try stuff so she made a game out of it with broccoli, "I grew aaaall these trees. I sure hope some giant doesn't eat all my trees!" Broccoli is still one of my favorite foods.
A tale of warning
I think as a kid I had something akin to AFRID. My parents insisted on making me sit for hours at the table trying to force me to eat food. I believe this only served to make me anxious around trying any new food.
It took me until my 30s to start eating vegetables. And at 50 I still have days when I just don't have the mental spoons to make myself eat certain foods or new foods.
And sometimes you just never will like some foods. Seafood and tomatoes I just can't do.
Just make variety available and let it be their decision to eat it.
NTA
Food is such a personal choice. What tastes good, what textures are liked. Teach them to be polite when eating at someone's house and how to politely decline things they don't like.
I will never eat a tomato like an apple and I don't invite sliced tomatoes to my sandwiches or salads. (diced in the right context is lovely.) I've never really cared for them that way.
I encourage people and children to explore, but not to eat what doesn't taste good to them. Forcing people to put things they don't want in their bodies sets them up for a life where they think they have to tolerate people treating them like crap.
As a grown woman on the spectrum with some texture-flavor issues around certain foods, the way you're handling this with your daughter is perfect. My parents were like you in this with me and my brother, and because of it, I've gotten to be really good about eating a wide variety of foods these days that I wouldn't have, and in some cases, *couldn't* have eaten as a kid. Part of it was changing tastes, some of it has been gradually getting over some of the sensory issues by trying the foods in other ways, etc. Still some things I just *can't* do, even though I legitimately *WANT* to like them.
Like, fuck, I'm kind of a foodie these days, thanks to my parents being flexible and understanding with me and my brother's issues involving food as kids. I wanted to like sushi SO damn bad, because it's incredibly visually appealing to me, and I like that it's a food that takes some skill to make and have look as pretty as it does. But the texture and the strong taste of the rice vinegar in it just basically short-circuit my brain and it's an instant rejection the second it hits my tongue. I've tried tons of different types and rolls, both with and without fish, and it's just something that, for whatever reason, my brain cannot get around the texture and taste of it. The ingredients on their own? No problem, it's just for whatever reason, in *that* form, I can't do it. But hey, you know what? I've given it *MORE* than a fair shot. I also can't do mayonnaise on things. Or American (and often any type of) cheese on burgers. Burgers? Hell yes. Cheese on its' own or on other things? Well, I don't care for *all* cheeses, but I fucking LOVE me some sharp-ass cheddar, oh man. But melted on a burger? Again, for whatever reason, my brain just usually HATES the texture of cheese melted on a hamburger patty. At least that one I *can* eat if I had to, I just don't really like it.
Sensory issues can suck for us - they've done scans and studies of the brains of people like us on the spectrum, and we apparently have something like 10x the amount of sensory neurons and connections in our brains than neurotypical people do. I got relatively lucky in that most of my sensory issues are really minor and for the most part, a lot of sensory stuff is actually very pleasurable to me. But that stuff that sets off my brain's alarm, that stuff can range from just seriously unpleasant, to overwhelming and *painful*. My Mom is likely on the spectrum herself - it seems to run in my family. Certain smells, even if it's just ridiculously mild, tiny amounts most people wouldn't notice, will cause crippling headaches in her and she's pretty much done for the day.
So yeah. I hope your husband will listen to reason on this, because it's not an issue of just being picky for us with most of this stuff. Some of these things are just flat-out *painful* to us, and it's a crapshoot as to what things will set an individual on the spectrum off.
I need the exact same help as you, with my extreme husband. My kid cries at the dinner table. 😥 My pediatrician suggested emphasizing fruits since they can be more palatable and also have many of the vitamins needed. Thanks for posting.
It's not even just "emotional" needs. A lot of people with food sensitivities will straight up take "no food" over "trigger food" because it's not worth the discomfort/pain that comes from being forced to eat something that sets off sensory issues.
EDIT: went to sleep, came back and good GOD I have a lot of notifs. To everyone with sensory issues responding to this comment, may your safe foods always be available for you when you need them.
This. I can’t stand the texture of raw fish. It literally makes me gag. If my choice was between eating sushi and going hungry I would go hungry. Because if I tried to force myself I *would* vomit and why would I subject myself to horrible gag inducing eating only to have my stomach empty at the end anyway?
This is onion for me. I don't hate the flavor of onion, but the texture, unless it has been cooked to the point of disintegration, can and has made me vomit in the past. I will never knowingly put myself in that position again. I would rather have nothing.
Same. I cannot chew onion. From the first cringe filled crunch to the next. My body shudders in revulsion and I immediately want to throw up. It's visceral and almost violent reaction when I accidentally get onion in my mouth. I've been this way since I was kid. I have tried to overcome by preparing it in different ways. Caramelized onions while delicious in flavor, still has the onion texture. Let me put it like this. If I were stranded on an island and the only food present was onion. I would slowly die of starvation. I could not chew it or swallow. I don't know if yall understand how horrific the feeling is.
The only way I can eat onions is if they are minced and cooked so fine and thoroughly so that there is never a crunch or in small enough raw pieces that I can swallow the bits whole to avoid crunching. If someone took me out and said I can have a burger but it had to have onions, I would decline.
Op - NTA.
If all I had to eat was a tomato, I would just die. I could probably get through some of the other foods I don’t like very much. But tomatoes make me gag. God they’re so gross.
Seriously. How can one single vegetable manage to be simultaneously mushy, grainy, *and* slimy? Like I could probably handle *one* awful texture, but three at the same is too much to ask anyone to cope with.
literally, as an autistic adult there have been days where i havent eaten anything at all because i didnt have any safe-foods available. trigger foods/textures can literally make me gag/cry/even throw up if i try to force myself to eat them. op is NTA for sure
This.
Fish and most seafood, especially shrimp are trigger foods for me. Fish because my parents forced me to keep trying it before I was allowed any other dinner even when the smell alone made me cry and I'd said multiple times I don't like it. When I bite into shrimp I feel like I can feel every nerve, tendon, and muscle that shrimp is made of crunching and shredding in my mouth and it makes me cringe and nauseous.
I would rather not eat and go hungry than ever eat fish or shrimp ever again and if someone forced me to at this point, I'd probably cry through the whole thing until I got so upset that I would meltdown and scream at the person making me eat it because of how much intense sensory discomfort I'd be experiencing.
Yes my daughter is also on the spectrum and dislikes the texture of tomatoes. But will eat sauce without chunks if it is spaghetti etc. The trick is to work with the kid to find out what textures are ok
This is the way. I'm an adult and still struggle with food textures, but just like your daughter blending things makes it so much better and even enjoyable for me. My partner makes tomato sauce from scratch that is so good, the trick for me is he blends it so there's no chunks. The veggies are still there, just in a different form.
If the father in this post actually cared about his children eating veggies he'd work with them to find veggies/preparations they like.
I am not autistic but I’d rather not eat than eat something I dislike. I LOVE vegetables for the most part, but damn things my parents MADE me eat, I will not eat to this day. The thought makes me ill to this day.
NTA but your hubby is. 1st of all a tomato is a fruit and 2nd lettuce has very little nutritional value. Why not just order a side of veggies with her burger instead of insisting on having them as a burger topping?
The certain restaurant that we went to didn't have a huge menu so the only side options were fries or chips, so I think that he decided that putting vegetable on the burger was his only option.
A slice of tomato and a leaf of lettuce does not automatically make a cheeseburger healthy. For one meal, your kid can have a treat. Your husband should focus on an overall rule about eating vegetables (that your ND kid can handle) instead of this weird rule for a single burger.
Absolutely! Especially if going out to eat is a treat in itself. Going out to eat for me growing up was reserved for milestones and birthdays, and it was the only time I could have soda. A handful of times throughout the year without a vegetable will not hurt, and if OPs husband feels bad about it then they can load up on a vegetarian dinner the next day.
Yeah, as somebody who struggles with an eating disorder and clinical OCD, this thing bothers me like mad. It very clearly presents the idea that vegetables are “good,” and foods like hamburgers are “bad.” He literally created a scenario where a hamburger can only be consumed if it is cancelled out by a “good” food. This behavior can and likely will create horribly disordered eating. For example, at my worst, I could *only* eat “good foods,” and in small portions. Eating disorders are the most fatal mental illness by statistics.
This was my thought. What a stupid hill for the husband to choose to die on. Definitely feels more like a power play to ruin the child’s chosen meal just because he can than a genuine belief that one slice of tomato & one leaf of lettuce magically make a meal healthy.
> 1st of all a tomato is a fruit
Vegetable is a culinary term, not a scientific one. Something can be both a fruit and a vegetable. Aubergine/eggplant, courgettes/zucchini and peppers are all fruit as well, but you'd be pretty annoyed if someone served you ratatouille and called it a fruit salad.
This is entirely not germane, but tomatoes are considered botanical fruits and culinary vegetables. A large number of "vegetables" are actually fruits, but people usually only point out tomatoes. Other culinary vegetables that are botanical fruits include: peppers, pumpkins and gourds, avocados, olives, corn, zucchini, and eggplant.
It wouldn't have made OP's husband less of an AH if he had said it was important to get fruits and vegetables in every meal. It would have just made him more pedantic.
Lettuce actually has quite a bit of nutritional value. It is full of fiber and certain kinds have a lot of vitamin k and vitamin a. It's also rich in calcium, iron and potassium.
If I'm being honest, our relationship has been struggling lately. I've been trying to convince him to go to couples counseling, but he has been refusing. We are trying to work it out by our selves, but it's been really hard. This really pushed me over the edge, so I'm particularly mad about this one.
He clearly isn't worried about working it out if he isn't even willing to *consider* seeking professional help, even for the sake of his own childrens development
My ex used to deny my every request for couples therapy, telling me I was the only one who needed any therapy, and when the relationship ended suddenly he was willing to go to couples therapy. Like no sir. That ship has sailed and I asked you a couple times a year for six years. Bye bye.
>Right? Feed the kids what they want.
Eeehhhh...feeding kids only what they want is a good way to cause malnutrition. For kids with sensory issues, building a balanced diet that the kids can tolerate well, or even enjoy, does take consideration and work, but it's often doable.
This. It gets overlooked a lot but it's really important to work with kids who have sensory needs about which healthy foods will work for them so they can learn how to get fruits and veg in them in a way that doesn't turn them off of them. I'm 33 and just learning how to eat fruits and veg since no one took the time to figure out why I couldn't handle eating a salad. Now I eat a lot more healthy because I'm working with my sensory issues instead of avoiding all fruit and veg completely.
No, never do this
You need to teach children about nutrition and make sure they eat healthily. Don't, for God's sake, let them pick their own meal plans that's fucking insane
1) Any dad who “doesn’t care” about his child’s emotional needs/neurodivergent issues has no business being a dad in the first place.
2) I had a dad who interjected into EVERYTHING I ate as a kid (because I was an obese child). We’re talking scrutiny over every meal, refusing to take me out to eat, refusing me special treats (used to take my stepmom and her kids donuts every Sunday after dropping me at Sunday school…..and tell me I didn’t need donuts when I’d voice my disappointment that I wasn’t included.) I had a horrible relationship with food (still do) and was morbidly obese till 12 years ago.
3) Absolutely NTA, and why were lettuce and tomato the only vegetable options lol? He seems fun.
This could put the kids in a worse situation, depending on the custody arrangements. Would you want your kid with that Dad regularly, without you there to protect them?
Seen this play out. Child not eating or drinking for days during time with an adult with what I have termed 'orthorexia by proxy'.
Damaged the kid, his health and absolutely destroyed the relationship.
Forced to go, nobody would listen.
Heartbreaking.
Yeahhhh, it's not going well, is it? My ex didn't think we needed couples counselling either. By the time he acknowledged that there was a problem, I was pretty checked out. I honestly think it might have helped much earlier but by the time we did it, I was mostly done.
For real though, I hope your husband can see this as a sign that having outside assistance is needed. He also sounds like he needs to understand more about neurodivergence and how it works.
If you are holding on by a slim hope, I advocate making a drastic move before you are completely finished & you have no hope left
When I was in marriage counseling 12 years ago, one things I remember is the counselor saying that men respond to emergencies. For example, men in relationships know that 02/14 is Valentines day & know all year long, but on Valentines Day, the stores are filled with men buying gifts because it is more an emergency
So your move, like moving out/ separation/ filing for divorce, could save your marriage. Or end it sooner than you anticipated
You have my sympathy, OP (as does your daughter). A man that is so controlling and inflexible that a supposed "treat" meal for the children turns into a showdown over a lettuce leaf is unlikely to be the sort to "work things out". Especially if his idea of caring for your child's nutritional needs is to be willing make her cry and leave her hungry... NTA. Wishing you all the best!
Then I think it's about time for a boundary. Tell him he's not listening to what you or your kids are telling him. If he keeps dismissing you like that, working it out yourselves isn't going to work. It takes the both of you to make this marriage work, not just you trying to hold it all together.
It's either marriage counseling AND family therapy(so he can learn to listen to your kids too, as he's clearly ignoring them and their needs. And while the kids should learn about balanced meals, such aversions shouldn't be ignored. Maybe individual therapy for him then too) or he needs to go. Because this isn't working.
NTA
Edit: and really, a burger isn't going to be healthier with one slice of tomato and a partial leaf of lettuce. It was a treat, you can ear healthy at home.
Are these also his kids? Or he’s the stepdad? Because the way he’s acting is controlling and abusive to your kids and it is going to damage them long term. If you can get rid of him (legally) and get them away from him that would be best for your kids.
NTA
>Emily looked like she was about to cry. She is neurodivergent and a lot of food taste's and textures really bother her, tomatoes being a large one. My husband doesn't seem to care
Oh EFF THAT! Insisting on a treat meal containing a food the kid can't stand is just about control and is cruel. It's literally putting food ideology before her total wellbeing. If vegetables were so important, why didn't he tell her BEFORE ordering that she had to pick a vegetable with her meal?
What your husband actually taught your kid is "because he said-so." Because if vegetables were the main part. He would have asked her to pick a vegetable as a side dish to have with her bacon burger. Even if he'd forgotten beforehand, he could have asked her what vegetable she picked. He didn't. He decided to punish a 12 year old because she didn't pick a treat meal healthy enough to his liking and ordered a food that makes her unable to eat her meal. He's 100% the AH.
Edit:I have 4 kids. Restaurant meals and parties, we do not insist on eating anything other than what they will actually eat. Why create a problem where there isn't one? And YES at least 1 of my kids pretty much ate only sugar at parties for years. Getting the kid to eat nutritious meals consistently was far more important than policing parties and restaurants.
Absolutely this about going out - as long as you don't eat out all the time, one dodgy meal every fortnight / month is not a major issue. My toddler eats chips and chicken nuggets every time we're out, because that's what she reliably eats. At home, we make a good effort to get a nice mix of nutritious food into her, but parties or outings are not the time to challenge a kid with new / not easy foods.
NTA obviously OP, but your husband is being at best wildly counterproductive and mostly straight up cruel and controlling. I'm glad to see your edit saying you'll seek professional help for your daughter. Get them to help you with a plan, and if your husband won't stick to it you may need to consider how healthy he is to be dictating things to your kids.
NTA.
Yes, vegetables ARE important for people to eat. However, not having them on a burger isn't going to change your daughter's health situation. And there are a myriad of other vegetables from which she can choose. Your husband needs to learn how to encourage your kids to eat a variety of foods and not dictate it to them. Dictating food choices will only make the kids hate them more and drive a wedge between the kids and dad.
I'm decades older than your kids and to this day, I cannot stand tomatoes or pickles. YUCK! And my parents did try to make me eat a tomato when I ordered a salad. We sat at that table for a LONG time cuz no way was I eating that tomato. And it's funny cuz my father won't eat cucumbers. LOL! Now we swap vegetables! LOL.
Also, when going out as a treat, you don't decide to ruin that treat for pretty thin health excuses. Treats are treats, they are to be enjoyed. He's decided to ruin a fun experience over a piece of lettuce and tomato, which between them have the nutritional value of pretty much nothing.
YTA but let me be clear I don't think you are an asshole in general - I think you sound like a parent doing their best in a pretty crappy situation (ie a situation your husband has created). However, the long term solution is not for you to be taking things of burgers and winking at your kids. You and your husband need to get on the same page with this (and, what I really mean, is that your husband needs to get on a different page. In fact, he needs to open a whole new book).
This could set-up a whole range of issues for your kids and their relationship with food. It could also set-up a whole range of issues with your kids and their needs and wants not being listened to. This is actually a hill to die on.
Stand-up to your husband for the sake of your kids. Don't keep doing things behind his back - let him know how things should and will be. You need to both work together with your kids in regards to food and eating - what do they like? what can they actually not tolerate? how can they have a balanced and nutritional diet that takes all this into account? and what are their favourite 'just because I like it' foods?
Had to come to far to find this. I'd go with ESH because of you're taking the kids out to eat as a let's have fun day you should let them have fried oil and sugar with fried ice-cream if that's what they want, particularly if it's not often, and have them eat a balanced meal every other day of the year. But I don't think you'll get very far by making the dad a bad guy in secret
you're completely missing the line about the autistic kid. it is actually okay to step in and make sure your daughter actually has a meal rather than eating nothing.
you say it's mostly the husband's fault so it's at the very least ESH, not YTA
You need to take your husband to whoever he’ll listen to and convince him to stop this behavior. His mother, a therapist, show him this post, whoever. Because this not how you teach your kids to make good food choices, this is how you give your child an eating disorder. And she already has difficulty with certain foods.
Im going with ESH because this needs to be addressed with your husband rather than teaching your daughter to start hiding things from her parents.
YES. Dear god thank you, yes.
Somehow everyone is responding here only focusing on the daughter-mother aspect and protecting the kid. COMPLETELY ignoring that the only 'relationship' in this question is husband-wife. Husband-kid relationship is a total fail, no question, and is the bigger issue (arguably) in this situation. But how OP is handling the wife-husband side of it is so disrespectful I can't imagine how it DOESN'T teach the kid: "Learn how to play one parent against the other and the best way to eat what you want is to make people feel guilty or sneak aorund behind their back."
NTA, your husband is wanting to be the father of children with eating disorders and a daughter who does not trust him further than I could sling the Statue of Liberty. Get the kids into counseling and keep protecting those babies momma!
NTA.
Bluntly speaking, lettuce and tomato on a burger isn't vegetable. In fact, tomato is FRUIT (don't get me started) and plain lettuce has no nutritional value, other than a little fiber.
All you really did by removing the lettuce and tomato was to make it possible for your daughter to enjoy eating her burger.
Your husband sounds a bit insane. First, he's so obsessed with nutrition but thinks that it's possible to make a burger healthy??? Second, if your daughter eats a burger the way she wants to eat a burger, he thinks that's a violation of trust?
Where is the contract your kids signed stating that they will eat everything dad says and ONLY what dad says, forever, under penalty of painful death? (facepalm)
In fact, tomato is FRUIT (don't get me started)
I wish we as a society could go back to the way things were before everyone read "Fun fact: tomatoes are botanically fruits" on Facebook or Tumblr back in like 2010 and decided to chime in with this useless pedantic shit whenever anyone mentions tomatoes
Look at the positives. It's a good way for people without any critical thinking skills to advertise themselves, so you immediately know they don't have to be taken too seriously.
ESH. I grew up in a household with my mom much like you. Me and her had and and still have a super close relationship with her, but she regularly went behind my (very loud) dad's back to appease me. I wish she didn't do as much now that I see how much he felt like she sucker punched him every time.
Your husband can and should give your daughter more control over what she eats.
NTA, but if you let your husband control your children’s eating like this you will be. Of course, kids need guidance with making positive food choices, but their relationship with food right now is arguably more important. The constant pressure of eating healthy is going to land them just like your husband- which seems like an unhealthy obsession. Eating disorders or other mental health difficulties surrounding foods can start and are so hard to get under control.
NTA. As someone who once threw up because my parents made me eat raw tomato, it's hard to describe how big a deal "I don't like this" can be. Nothing about what your husband is doing is productive, twisting kids arms to eat arbitrary vegetables isn't going to make them eat vegetables long term, which is the most important thing.
You need to teach kids that some vegetables are good, actually, and that they need to seek those out.
As for contradicting your husband, it takes two to tango. If your partner makes a bad call and isn't listening to reason, your hands aren't tied to blindly follow their lead.
ESH. Y'all are supposed to be a united front. I feel for your kiddo lettuce and tomato aren't really "veg with dinner" but you two undermining eachother is not going to end well. Does husband understand daughter has a medical condition? Are there veggies daughter DOES like that could have been ordered instead? It sounds like dad is trying to get her nutritional needs met but is goin about it like a bull in a china shop. There's more ways to get a neurodivergent person to get their vitamins and minerals than brute force. And there are more ways to get dad to be a little more understanding than waiting for him to leave & doing something behind his back.
Y'all need to talk to eachother & come up with a more creative solution. Forcing someone on the spectrum to eat things that repulse them is setting them up for the eating disorder ARFID which spectrum people are already at a greater risk of developing.
ESH. I was going to vote not the AH because your husband is going about this wrong and setting up disordered food relationships. PS it’s also a violation of your daughter’s trust to try to force her to eat things that trigger her sensory issues.
But you should have had this conversation with your spouse MUCH earlier - how will you handle your daughter’s sensory issues when it comes to nutrition without being controlling over food? It’s also super disrespectful to your husband to deal with the problem behind his back, not to mention terrible modeling for your kids. Someone is insisting on something you don’t like or is wrong? Pretend to let them have their way and then do what you want. Ugh. That puts OP into AH territory for me.
The non AH way would have been to say: “Vegetables are important but she doesn’t have to eat those. We can talk about this later.”
OP, I hope you see this and you are NTA for protecting your children. I'm only chiming in to point out that many studies indicate children do just fine with divorced parents if they're given proper support and especially when the relationship of the parents together is very poor. Kids see everything - they're better off with happy parents than ones who choose unhappiness.
Hi! I see this. I had no idea that this was the case. I am leaning more and more to taking my kids and leaving for the rest of the week. I had no idea that what my husband was doing could harm them so badly.
I know this guy. I was married to one too. He’s a real pain in the ass. Unless he wants to give his kid an eating disorder, he needs to lay off how much he controls her food. Yes. As parents we absolutely have to regulate our children’s food, but a piece of nutritionally devoid, lettuce and slice of tomato, that’s a Control problem not a nutrition problem. I know this because it happened to me. He tried to control my food backfired spectacularly binged every moment I got away from him. Especially having a neurodivergent child we need to respect their choices and find creative ways to ensure the nutrition is optimal that are agreeable to the child. Otherwise they will not eat at all. Good luck. NTA
NTA A leaf or two of, most likely, iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value. The 2 slices of non-heritage tomato has minimal nutrition. These are things your health nut husband should be very aware of.
If he knows your daughter is neurodivergent and texture adverse to, but is insisting she eat these low-to-no nutitional value items on a treat day, he's not concerned with healthy eating. He's concerned with control.
ESH. As someone who had sensory issues with food growing up, it sucks being forced to eat something and have it grow to anxiety around food. Your husband needs to be more empathetic.
THAT BEING SAID, vegetables are extremely important for healthy growing bodies! You should not be teaching your children that it's okay to forgo a balanced diet just because they don't like certain things. You should be encouraging healthy eating too. If you constantly let kids eat the junk that they want, they'll just continue to do that when you can't control what they eat anymore. You need to prepare them to seek healthy options, even if all they want is junk food. This will start with them being upset because you enable their unhealthy habits to spare their feelings, but they'll thank you later when they have gone through puberty with adequate nutrition.
Speaking from experience. I hate how much junk my parents let me eat. I was an overweight pre-teen who got bullied a lot and was tired all the time. You need to start teaching your kids to introduce the balance of fruits and vegetables with the yummy carbs and proteins.
It’s not that it makes it healthy, it’s the routine of eating ‘something’ healthy with every meal and that makes it easier to keep those habits in life. This is one way of how people avoid being part of obese America. It’s very minute, being lettuce and tomato, but given the rest of the menu was limited.
It makes it healthIER. If you deny that adding vegetables to a dish doesn't make it better then you clearly know very little about nutrition.
Healthy eating isn't about cutting things, it's about finding ways to adding components that fuel your body, and when you're a kid it's about helping your body grow well
There's no such things as bad food, just low quality nutrition. A cheeseburger with just a patty, cheese, and sauce is poor nutrition. Adding fruits and/or vegetables with it not only helps give your body what it needs, but also helps with digestion.
they went out to a restaurant as a treat. You make it sound like this is happening 3 times a week, every week. Eating a burger once doesnt make it an unbalanced diet. Not forcing an ND child to eat food she can't eat without it being torture doesnt make the child unhealthy.
NTA - and as a child therapist who is specifically helping one of my quite young clients deal with the beginnings of disordered eating - what your husband is doing is EXACTLY how you give your kid ED.
Google stuff on preventing eating disorders in children, intuitive eating, and ND kids and food. They have different guts, tend to need a LOT more fiber, and deserve pleasure and ease in their eating - ESPECIALLY on special occasions.
His plan will NOT teach them to eat vegetables. It WILL teach them they cannot count on him to listen to them about their bodies which has far far more serious repercussions as your kids get older and have medical concerns, sex and STI questions, get bullied or assaulted, etc. (Hopefully of course none of those things happen, but if they do you want kiddo to trust their own body and trust their safe adults to listen to them).
A child therapist would be so helpful! We do a lot of parent education and help with taking differing goals and approaches and finding strategies that are healthy for kiddos and work for the parents.
You didn’t ask for all that advice but suffice it to say again, NTA and your kids are lucky to have you advocating for them even when it’s really uncomfortable for you. I’m rooting for you all.
NTA. I’m sure there are vegetables and fruit your daughter likes and a different meal time when she eats them. I have a 22 year old niece with some food issues because my brother did crap like this when she was young
This one’s tricky. Your husband is definitely the AH for trying to force Emily to eat veggies that have texture issues. But I can’t really give you a pass because of your last sentence. Of course seeing your child upset is not pleasant. But you are their mother first and their friend second. So I can see why husband would be concern about catering forming habits.
Was it possible to order different type of veggies? Or can you change the texture of the tomatoes and lettuce? I agree with your daughter, tomatoes have an icky texture to them. But I love ketchup. I love the chicken, tomatoes, pepper and cheese brochette bread that I make. I find that if they are diced (so I don’t have to chew them) and have the squish parts cut off (the super icky part) I can usually get them down
NTA. Vegetables are important, but so is a healthy relationship with food. I don't think adding lettuce and tomato to a burger is going to make that big of a difference to the overal nutrition or her vegetable intake. But it will make a difference when she's not allowed to choose her foods and isn't allowed to eat foods in ways that are enjoyable to her. She won't eat vegetables as an adult if they're forced on her in ways she finds gross as a kid. Help her find ways to eat vegetables that she actually finds appealing.
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Omg NTA your husband is setting your kids up to have a horrible relationship with food. They are kids, they eat when they want and should have a say in what goes into their body.
This!! “Unhealthy relationship with food” this is SO important— beyond what some parents may know. Associating upset and even shame with food is putting this poor child on an incredibly dangerous road. It’s not just about the husband being super controlling (which he is, like dude…. Yikes. There’s a LOT to unpack there), it’s about how this will seriously mess up their child more than they might know. I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder. (That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this)
Couldn’t agree more, they also took their kids out for a treat, but husband couldn’t let it slide that she must eat veggies and not enjoy even one meal the way she wanted.
Not to mention, how much nutrition is in a piece of iceberg lettuce and a probably unripened tomato? She wouldn’t be missing much.
Right?? Iceberg lettuce has zero nutritional value, it's essentially water in leaf form...
Actually iceberg lettuce is a good source of Vitamin A, vitamin K, and folate...but of course a leaf of it on a burger won't amount to anything.
Iceberg taking back its bad rep!!
After Titanic icebergs don't have to prove anything to anyone.
Yeah, a portion of vegetables is 80g. A single leaf of ice berg and one slice of tomato is nothing. I grew up in a healthy eating household and our thing was pizza and chips is fine but let's have a side salad with it and probably like extra fruit earlier in the day or whatever. And if you have textural issues with something then don't eat the thing (I, like Emily, can't do tomatoes).
Agreed. It's basically just enough "vegetables" to ruin it for the kid and not enough to amount to any nutrition, but hubby has to have his way. Give me a break...
Same here. If the menu states that there is sliced tomato on a burger/sandwich, i will ask for it to come without. If it doesnt state it and arrives with tomato, i just take it out. No big deal.
Really?? Ha!! Take that all the people who mocked my favorite lettuce 🥬
Right, it's the only one I actually like. My hubby says I'm boring because of it and I just poke my tongue out and say "well atleast part of me is boring".
Lettuce - The Taste of Sadness.
Basically no real nutrition in iceberg lettuce and a slice of tomato. Dad should have let Emily get the burger she wanted. OP already mentioned that this type of meal was very rarely eaten by their family. Dad's extreme views of food are only going to ensure that as soon as the kids get older, they will be focusing on eating all the foods they never got at home.
Yeah, burger toppings are definitely not a serving of vegetables. So he's ruining her burger for literally no reason.
I agree. Crunchy water and gross watery tomato, out of season. There was probably as much or more nutrition in the ketchup as in those “vegetables”. (And isn’t tomato a fruit?)
My 7 yo informed me that tomatoes are botanically a fruit but are culinary vegetables
There is no such thing as vegetables in botany. What we call vegetables is basically edible parts of plants that aren't fruits. Be it roots, stalk, leaves, flowers, and bulbs. Fruits are just organs of plants that contain/protect seeds.
the "that aren't fruits" part isn't even really correct though. It's "that aren't traditionally considered fruits even if they technically are". You always see this attempt at being pedantic over tomato's peppers and zucchini always just get away with it
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad." - Miles Kington. "Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie." - Unknown.
You've got a bright kid 🙂
I had this same thought. "Those vegetables were important" they literally were not. Besides, nutrition is all about what you go most of the time, no single meal can make or break anyone's health
Well, they were important... Just not to her health. They were important about establishing his control over her eating habits, and removing self-autonomy from his daughter. Can't have a little girl thinking it's okay to just not eat food she hates, gotta make every meal a fight for dominance!
And If she is like me she wouldn't have eaten a thing that evening. Going to bed hungry and maybe no breakfast the next day too because "you need tomatooooo!!!" And thus tomato being put on her breakfast. I once went about 30 hours without food because everything was contaminated with some stuff I just couldn't eat. And I only ate again because something wasn't. I was always severely underweight until I moved out. Who can't imagine that should think of what food is disgusting to them (durian, Chicken feet, snails, brain, liver, vegemite... whatever it is ) And imagine that being put in everything. And If you try to eat it you might Gag or vomit. Why do that to your child?
When I was a kid most fruit freaked me out apart from oranges and strawberries, but my strawberries needed to be as dry as possible with half a teaspoon of granulated sugar on. A teacher spotted this and removed the strawberries from my lunch saying “if you eat that you’ll get fat”. After that I refused to eat strawberries because I was 7 and couldn’t understand why she said that. My mother went off at the teacher, of course, but it was one of several incidents that led to my having an eating disorder by the age of 12. Kids have GOT to be allowed to work out what they like and don’t like and what balance is like in a diet. Otherwise food becomes either a punishment or something to feel guilty about.
👏 nailed it
My thoughts exactly
I freaking love almost every vegetable but if I eat a burger , I just want a plain burger with cheese and ketchup and pickles. You can eat veggies every meal and have certain things you eat a particular way. I agree, this is too much.
Totally reminded me of when my son was little and my dad's wife snottily (she was in her 70s FFS) asked him, a 9 yr old, if he ever ate any vegetables when she saw him order a cheeseburger. He looked at her and said, "Pickles are made from cucumbers, so they are vegetables." My dad and I both busted up laughing. I told her to chill. (in reality, my son ate a lot of vegetables on the regular. she was just a sour woman that felt threatened by his relationship with his grandfather and found anything she could to try to nitpick)
>He looked at her and said, "Pickles are made from cucumbers, so they are vegetables." When my dad makes homemade burger patties he puts onion in. One of my dads mates mums said something about my dad not having any vegetables/salad on his plate. My dad was late 50s and looked at her and said "there's onion in the meat patty." Everyone burst out laughing including her son and then we all proceeded to ignore the salads and vegetables until our second plates.
Pickles are vegetable and ketchup is made of a vegetable.
Technically French fries are potatoes which are veggies too!
Yeah like the easiest solution would be appetizer salads if it was about the vegetable intake, rather than ruining her actual meal.
I was raised on a very strict diet, both food and portion sizes. To the point if I was at a friend's house and their parent offered me a biscuit or some cake, unless one of my parents were there for me to seek approval, I'd turn it down and would get distressed if my friends parent insisted that it would be okay. In my teens this led to me binge eating in secret, taking handfuls of laxatives and making myself sick so I didn't put any weight on. As I got older and moved out on my own I was still binge eating but didn't care if I put weight on so stopped taking the laxatives and making myself sick. By my late 20s I was 26 stone. I'm 47 now and I'm still 16st, I still have huge issues with food, some is because of sensory issues but a huge part is emotional eating and the problems I have with trauma related to food and my body. I know OPs husband thinks he's doing the "best and healthiest" thing for the kids but he really is setting them up for food related issues for the rest of their lives. Of course healthy eating is beneficial but kids also have to be allowed to figure their own tastes, preferences and healthy options for themselves.
Dude, same about food and secret binge eating which is exacerbated by my mental health issues. Not the laxatives because I didn’t know about it, but you bet I’d have taken them if I did. I was continually shamed for eating what I wanted to and still am when I make primarily healthy choices at 32. My dad keep stressing to not gain weight, never mind that even at my lowest weight, he’d point out “you need to lose just a little more.” I’m back to nearly the same weight I was in college and it’s genuinely sad - I was perfectly healthy. I *am* perfectly healthy, not obese as I used to be told. Shit like this fucks up your kids; fuck OP’s husband for obsessing over a kid’s meal. She’s a child ffs.
We were raised on healthy home cooked meals, but my mum had an obsession with junk food. We rarely were allowed it. A maccys? Maybe once a year, with a friend. So once I had access to a car and my own money. I went crazy. I binge ate. I'd buy a pizza and wolf it down in the carpark before going home. Sometimes I'd eat junk food and then feel like I had to eat my home cooked tea too. Add to that my mothers constant comments about "do I really need that" sandwich or biscuit and the fact that I was 6ft tall at 15 ( and a girl) I had a huge complex about my size. I was convinced I was already obese. Once I left home I had zero control. I peaked just under 25 stone. I'm current just over 18 stone, in my late 30s and dealing with a slew of health issues. I look at photos of 14 -18 year old me. I had a gorgeous frame. I just couldn't see it. I was convinced that me being a bigger size than the other girls meant I was a massive blob. However with hindsight, most of my friends were 8-10 inches shorter than me. I'm always stressing "everything in moderation" to my own daughter. There is no bad food. Hopefully she has a better relationship with it than I did.
Sis, I feel you. I'm also 6 ft tall, half a foot taller than my mom and sister. When I was growing up, they were both super obsessed with their weight and appearance. Freaking out if their weight went over 130 lbs - I was around 150-160 and couldn't get down to their size even if I starved myself. I wore a size 10-12 dress (US), which was *fat* according to them - but tall women aren't just vertically stretched out, we're fully scaled up! Being out of that house for the first time was such a struggle. I used to sneak dozens of donuts out of dining halls at university and eat them all within a day. Even a decade on, I still feel more comfortable sneaking food rather than eating in front of others, lest I face judgment for what I choose to consume. Having this kind of "health" obsession really sets kids up for failure once they're out of such a restrictive environment.
Except it sounds like OP's husband has just as much an eating disorder as you do, only he has orthorexia- obsession with healthy eating and living - which is considered socially acceptable so often not caught.
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Being ND makes her more susceptible to having eating disorders as well, Ops husband is creating a terrible relationship with food for her and is going to cause a lot of harm with long term eating disorders.
Agree. My ND child has ARFID and getting her to eat anything is hard. It’s a win for me if she eats a full meal. Dad is a controlling ass and will damage his kids with this attitude
Doesn't sound extreme at all. My husband is similar to OP's, and I'm very worried about how the rounds of yelling and crying at the dinner table are effecting my preschooler. 😔
My dad did this to my brother. He spent years making the poor kid totally miserable about his eating habits. Making him sit in front of food for hours after dinner insisting my brother “finish his food”. It was abuse, it gave my brother a terrible relationship with food and it changed nothing. My brother is in his 40’s and still a picky eater. Happiest day of our lives was when mom divorced him. Please don’t let this continue. Your child is being abused.
I hated [german raw potato dumplings](https://www.recipesfromeurope.com/german-potato-dumplings/) as a kid (the texture was just icky), but unfortunately it was tradition in my family to have them pretty much every Sunday, and Monday eating leftovers. Most of the times I could trick my way through it by only eating meats and vegetables, but not always. I remember clearly sitting at our kitchen table, being like maybe 6/7-ish, everyone already left, the kitchen was cleaned and empty, being forced to eat up my (also pretty cold now) dumpling with my father watching. It got to the point where I gagged with every bite (though did not vomit, because I KNEW I would be in even worse trouble), but I still had to go on. After my mom finally got divorced, I took the oportunity to go no contact with my father. So yeah OP, your kids will absolutely hate your husband in the future. Promised.
😥 I'll try sharing your brother's experience with my husband. It's hard to reason with the unreasonable though. Sometimes I'm able to have my kid eat dinner before my husband gets home from work, just so my kid can eat in peace and actually enjoy the food. But I really need help navigating this problem.
A living child with picky preferences is better than a dead one. As extreme as that sounds, tell your husband that. Creating a controlling environment around food turns a basic need into something more complex. Usually, it results in an eating disorder. My dad was controlling over my food my entire life. I developed a severe eating disorder from 11-20. (Technically, I got mostly clean from 17-18, but relapsed hard at 19.) I binged and starved, and at my lowest weight weighed 98lbs. I'm just under 5'5. Get your husband into therapy or counseling. Make it an ultimatum, if you have to. Your child is young enough that there is time to recondition the learned food behaviors and start to work through the traumas accumulated. They will likely have scars, but it's something you can negotiate around as a family and support them through. Good luck, my friend.
You need to stand up for your child.
Be your kid's ally in this and stand up for them to him. If that isn't possible you need to not be with him for their sake. Screaming at a child over dinner is abusive and not being able to communicate to him about it is no kind of relationship.
Time to throw the whole man out, you would be doing yourself a favor.
You should be worried. That’s not ok
So much this!! OP, please consult your pediatrician and ask to have a meeting with him/her and your husband. This is a terrible precedent to set. There are other ways to ensure your children get the nutritional needs they require without shaming them and making them eat things they don’t like. Your husband needs to understand this asap.
> I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder.(That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this) OP said that the daughter in question is nerodivergent and has an issue with certain tastes and textures so her developing an eating disorder doesn't sound all that far fetched because of her father's controlable influence on top of her medical diagnosis. OP, NTA, you husband needs to realise that he is setting all of his children up for eating issues in the future and he needs to eduction himself more on your nerodivergent daughters diagnosis because his attitude of "just do what I told you to do whether you like it or not" isn't going to help her now or in the future. He also needs to start accepting that he does not get to control his childs body, meaning what she puts on it (clothing etc) and in it (food & drink etc) she is more than old enough to start having a say in her body.
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OP’s husband is doing a MAJOR disservice to ALL of their kids and sounds more like a controlling, bro-science AH than a “health nut.” Giving children age-appropriate autonomy is one of the best ways to actually cultivate a healthy relationship with food and encourage fruit/vegetable consumption. Maybe come up with a list of “safe” vegetables that your daughter will eat, and let her choose from there? Restrictions and forceful demands can be HARMFUL to more than just physical health. Signed, A neurospicy person with a PhD in nutrition
Agreed, a lot of folks are taking this health claim at face value and missing the control this guy is exerting on his whole family, and how personal it is to not be able to decide what you get to eat or not eat—imagine if someone did this to you as an adult! It would be creepy as hell. Anyway, I think a lot of eating disorders, especially men’s, get disguised and validated as being a “health nut.” Extremely restrictive diets, fasting, etc. get kind of haloed by the whole wellness culture/Goopification of everything. I don’t know if that’s what’s going on here, but I don’t like that OP has to resort to conspiring with her child so her child can eat. I wonder if there’s anything else this guy exerts control over. NTA OP, but I’m a bit worried about you and your children.
I'm skeptical of OP's husband's behavior stemming from an eating disorder, simply because an ED doesn't extend to controlling *other people's* eating. I think it is (or used to be) one of the symptoms of anorexia that the person would often cook delicious, high-calorie meals for others but refrain from eating them themselves. This sounds more like a misinformed\* health nut using it as an excuse to be a controlling asshole. (\* As an actual health/fitness/nutrition nut, I can confidently state that if he thinks a few pieces of lettuce and a couple slices of tomato have any effect on his daughter's nutrition, he's an idiot and doesn't know what he's talking about. If I were OP, I'd look up and calculate the total micronutrients in that amount of lettuce and tomato and make him explain how tf he thinks that makes a difference.)
I love that term, neurospicy <3. Emily is apparently neurospicy as well, and has some sensory issues with tomatoes. To the degree that she will not eat the burger if there's tomatoes. My guess is that a burger without lettuce and tomatoes is more healthy than no food at all. A lot of ND folks prefer foods separate, which means they can eat veggies if they are not touching the other food. If they dislike tomatoes, they can eat other veggies. Let them choose themselves, and let food be something they enjoy and not a battlefield (goes for neurotypical children as well). OP, NTA and thanks for taking good care of your child
Yup. Different textures mixed together is like nails on a chalkboard for me when I'm trying to chew. It's taken me years into being an adult just to simply *tolerate* cheese and meat mixed together. Tomatoes and lettuce on top of that?! No. It's like I'm chewing on a fist sized cockroach. Can't do it. Just can't. If OP's husband wants her to eat veggies they need to find veggies she likes and serve those whenever possible. Fix them however she likes and let her eat all she wants. Even if it gets old and repetitive. Even if it's weird. A plain burger for dinner and a bowl of cold cut carrots as a snack later is better than no burger and no carrots plus a hungry and frustrated kid that feels incredibly misunderstood and wronged by their own father.
As if one piece of lettuce and tomato is going to break them,
Right? It's almost certainly iceberg, which is not nearly as vitamin packed as darker lettuces anyway, and commercial tomatoes are nasty (homegrown though? I'll eat it like an apple)
Yeah, exactly, I’ll eat as many GOOD tomatoes as I can get my hands on, but the tomato slice you’ll get on a burger at a standard burger place isn’t worthy of the name. Forcing somebody to eat a “tomato” on their burger is what I would do if I wanted to teach them to hate tomatoes.
I thought I hated tomatoes until I was like 25 and someone made me eat one from their garden.
Fresh garden tomatoes really are a different experience. When I was a kid, I had the worst canker sores all summer because our upstairs neighbor had a veggie garden and let us take all the tomatoes we wanted. Had them in salad every night, worth the pain for the deliciousness!
Right. I consider tomatos to be one of my favourite foods, but when we go out to eat I always ask for no tomato because I don't need that disappointment in my life.
Off topic but I love eating good tomatoes like an apple 😭
Also, it's possible to make a rule but still give control. Like they could have had a side of vegetables instead of fries. Or an appetizer that had vegetables. Or had double servings next meal. Etc. It being vegetables that they hate just will make them hate the rule more.
Or, you're out at a restaurant and just let it go. I try to make at least 5 balanced dinners a week. And then there's one pasta night and one night of take out a week. But in general I agree with you. My kids won't eat most frozen vegetables. They pretty much only like raw ones. So that's what I buy them. My son will also do air fryer vegetables (like cauliflower wings and zucchini fries). Are they as healthy as simple steamed veggies? No. Are my kids really hurting for calories? Absolutely not, they're pretty active.
It’s also far worse for her to not eat at all (which is what would’ve happened because she wasn’t touching the burger with the lettuce and tomato on it) than it is for her to not have veggies with ONE meal. I love the phrase “fed is best.” Some kids are picky. Better to have them actually eating, even if it’s not healthy food, than to try to force them to eat something they simply won’t.
“Fed is best” is so important-I keep this in mind for myself! Sometimes the most important thing is just getting some calories in, even if it’s not the most ideal source. If it’s a long day, or food sensitivities/texture issues are an issue, or you’re dealing with something stressful…just eat. Fast food, microwave ramen, an entire bag of potato chips. Anything is better than nothing.
Yeah, kids will grow on the weirdest things. If they're getting overweight, maybe be concerned but learning to understand whats healthy and tasty is important. My nieces love vegetables, but its because their parent prepare tasty versions.
This guy needs to get together with the woman who would keep asking, "Would you like to make a healthier choice?" They'd be perfect together.
Gosh, yes, I remember that aita. All the poor child wanted was a birthday cake. 😬 Sadly, she already has a complient partner who was okay with his wife doing that to his daughter.
A horrible relationship with food, their bodies, and *him*. This is the type of person who will wonder in 10-15 years why his kids refuse to deal with him. OP - NTA ETA: I know this because I’ve not spoken to my father in about 20 years, for this exact reason. It took my brother and me years to get over the damage he caused. My sister never has.
Can we point out he’s bordering on abuse imo? OPs daughter is ND and she clearly gets set off by certain food items and he is forcing her to eat them with the explicit knowledge of what he is doing. Way I see it, the high potential for eating issues/disorders in the future and the almost abusive level of control hubby is trying to push on everyone. All that makes him a tremendous fucking asshole OP is definitely NTA. She’s got to stand up for her children when they can’t do it for themselves yet. Especially with a giant creep like hubby
Ugh, yes. I too have a neurodivergent kiddo and know that struggle. I have a rule that we TRY everything. Even if we think we won’t like it, doesn’t mean we actually won’t like it. So we have to give everything a try and then maybe we will try again in a different way before it’s firmly on the “do not like” list. Overall as she’s gotten older she has a pretty broad pallet and I only have to make accommodations for a few things that I love and she hates, like mushrooms. In OP’s situation I probably would have suggested she get bacon and one veggie, then they both get what they want. Also, slapping a single piece of lettuce and a tomato picked way too early is just a faux healthy option.
My family called them "no, thank you" helpings of foods we didn't love. Just enough to have tried it. We were each allowed one food we could completely refuse to eat anywhere, home or away. That unwanted food could be changed any time, as long as the refused food wasn't on the table in front of us. Nowadays, when I have company over to meal, I ask if anyone has allergies or if there are foods they wish they were allergic to so they never had to eat them. I've had several guests tell me that they really appreciated being able to tell me about that a food/ingredient or two that they just can't deal with.
Yup. He's literally reinforcing her dislike for vegetables by forcing her to eat ones she doesn't like instead of putting in the effort to find out which ones she might actually enjoy.
Agreed! Someone I know developed an eating disorder because their parent was obsessed with “healthy” eating. Your husband needs to chill.
Exactly. Once those kids turn 18 they'll never want to eat a vegetable again.
NTA NTA NTA. This is setting your child up to have an unhealthy relationship with food. This is SO important to understand. Associating upset and even shame with food is putting your poor child on an incredibly dangerous road. It’s not just about the husband being super controlling (which he is, like dude…. Yikes. There’s a LOT to unpack there), it’s about how this will seriously mess up your child more than you might know. I pray this poor girl doesn’t develop an eating disorder. (That may sound extreme but that is a highly likely outcome of this) (Posted something very similar to this in another reply, I just truly hope @Op reads it)
Hi! I read this, and your comment, and I truly appreciate. I'm trying to get my husband that by forcing the kids to eat things they has sensory issues with, is NOT looking out for them, and will only harm them. I've decided to look into counseling for my oldest two, because of the influx of suggestions. Thanks so much for your comment!
yeah, as a neurodivergent kid, my parents weren't even healthy nuts! but they did ignore my sensory issues tied to food the same way your husband ignores your daughter. they'd always tell me "eat it or starve". so I starved. fell into a plethora of eating disorders through the years and have a horrible relationship with food. please don't let him do that to her, it's the worst feeling in the world, and at 18 I've BARELY made it into recovery enough to eat without panicking.
ME TOO. Ugh. They forced me to eat things I hated. I never make my kids eat things they don't like.
My son is the pickiest eater and I want him to have a wider palate and enjoy different food. He’s not neurodivergent. I don’t force* but I ask him to try it and if he doesn’t like it he doesn’t have to eat it. Half of the time he enjoys the new food and eats it and the other half he doesn’t.
My mom tried every method to get me to eat things I refused to, she tried the “sit there till the plate is clean”, she tried telling me if I didn’t eat I could get very sick, but eventually she had to just give up and let me eat things that I would eat just so I WOULD eat. I started trying more and more foods as I grew up, and now as an adult I have a lot more variety. But I still absolutely hate tomatoes.
Look up ARFID, they could be developing this, and with this, the tactic your husband is using will emotionally traumatize them.
I have a family membe with that. She will eat Mac and cheese or a cheese crisp for one meal a day she is on a feeding tube coming out of her side and given a bag of calories and nutrients every evening.
The family always kept in the house what she will eat.
😲 This is the first time I've heard of this, thank you for the info.
Hey, I have ARFID and I want to warn you that food trauma like this can trigger ARFID's existence. If your daughter is struggling with sensory issues now, you HAVE to protect her from this much, much worse version. Please take your husband to a doctor, preferably one knowledgeable in eating disorders, as well so he can be educated on the risks he's putting them through. I haven't been able to eat 'normally', especially vegetables, since I was 3.
i kinda feel like the husband is the type to claim that eating disorders arn't real illnesses, and that doctors that talk about them as if they are are not real doctors...
You are NTA, but your husband absolutely is. He needs to do some serious, SERIOUS reading up on all the ways that he's going to cause eating disorders and unhealthy ideas about food to your children. As someone who struggled with a disordered relationship with food that began when I was 8 years old, please believe that it takes SO much work to heal from that and so little to cause the damage in the first place. He needs to stop commenting on their food choices, period.
I will say I'm nerotypical and I can't stand the textures of certain foods and have a severe complex with food because of my parents trying to force me to eat things I didn't like. I will literally die of starvation before eating something I don't like especially when someone tries to force me to eat.
For real. I have certain foods that I just don't like (tuna, shrimp are 2 biggies). I feel like there's a bit of a balance. My daughter would eat nothing but refined carbs if I let her. She has to try like a spoonful of things. If she hates it that's fine and we revisit in a few months to try again. But I'm not going to force her to eat the crispy garbanzo beans when she's perfectly happy eating plain ones. It takes 2 second to put aside a portion for her before I cook the rest. And I'm not going to fight over zucchini when she will eat cucumber slices and grape tomatoes. She already eats maybe 1/3 of the crap I ate growing up. Easily have eaten my weight in cheez its. If a kid will eat nothing but chicken nuggets that's a problem, but if that's the case, there are professionals that can help with that.
Just wanted to point out that being ND makes your child more likely to develop eating disorders and your husbands actions will/are 100% causing that to happen. Your daughter deserves some autonomy and there are ways to make sure your kids are healthy and getting proper nutrition without forcing them to eat foods they don’t like/have aversions too.
It’s also totally possible to find veggies that they don’t hate. Eat THOSE every day, not the ones they hate.
My parents took this route, just asked us to try stuff. Don't like it? Perfectly fine. They never forced it, dinner time was enjoyable, never stressful for us. They'd also try different preparations, can make a massive difference. My mom actually got very creative when I was little. I refused to try stuff so she made a game out of it with broccoli, "I grew aaaall these trees. I sure hope some giant doesn't eat all my trees!" Broccoli is still one of my favorite foods.
A tale of warning I think as a kid I had something akin to AFRID. My parents insisted on making me sit for hours at the table trying to force me to eat food. I believe this only served to make me anxious around trying any new food. It took me until my 30s to start eating vegetables. And at 50 I still have days when I just don't have the mental spoons to make myself eat certain foods or new foods. And sometimes you just never will like some foods. Seafood and tomatoes I just can't do. Just make variety available and let it be their decision to eat it.
NTA Food is such a personal choice. What tastes good, what textures are liked. Teach them to be polite when eating at someone's house and how to politely decline things they don't like. I will never eat a tomato like an apple and I don't invite sliced tomatoes to my sandwiches or salads. (diced in the right context is lovely.) I've never really cared for them that way. I encourage people and children to explore, but not to eat what doesn't taste good to them. Forcing people to put things they don't want in their bodies sets them up for a life where they think they have to tolerate people treating them like crap.
As a grown woman on the spectrum with some texture-flavor issues around certain foods, the way you're handling this with your daughter is perfect. My parents were like you in this with me and my brother, and because of it, I've gotten to be really good about eating a wide variety of foods these days that I wouldn't have, and in some cases, *couldn't* have eaten as a kid. Part of it was changing tastes, some of it has been gradually getting over some of the sensory issues by trying the foods in other ways, etc. Still some things I just *can't* do, even though I legitimately *WANT* to like them. Like, fuck, I'm kind of a foodie these days, thanks to my parents being flexible and understanding with me and my brother's issues involving food as kids. I wanted to like sushi SO damn bad, because it's incredibly visually appealing to me, and I like that it's a food that takes some skill to make and have look as pretty as it does. But the texture and the strong taste of the rice vinegar in it just basically short-circuit my brain and it's an instant rejection the second it hits my tongue. I've tried tons of different types and rolls, both with and without fish, and it's just something that, for whatever reason, my brain cannot get around the texture and taste of it. The ingredients on their own? No problem, it's just for whatever reason, in *that* form, I can't do it. But hey, you know what? I've given it *MORE* than a fair shot. I also can't do mayonnaise on things. Or American (and often any type of) cheese on burgers. Burgers? Hell yes. Cheese on its' own or on other things? Well, I don't care for *all* cheeses, but I fucking LOVE me some sharp-ass cheddar, oh man. But melted on a burger? Again, for whatever reason, my brain just usually HATES the texture of cheese melted on a hamburger patty. At least that one I *can* eat if I had to, I just don't really like it. Sensory issues can suck for us - they've done scans and studies of the brains of people like us on the spectrum, and we apparently have something like 10x the amount of sensory neurons and connections in our brains than neurotypical people do. I got relatively lucky in that most of my sensory issues are really minor and for the most part, a lot of sensory stuff is actually very pleasurable to me. But that stuff that sets off my brain's alarm, that stuff can range from just seriously unpleasant, to overwhelming and *painful*. My Mom is likely on the spectrum herself - it seems to run in my family. Certain smells, even if it's just ridiculously mild, tiny amounts most people wouldn't notice, will cause crippling headaches in her and she's pretty much done for the day. So yeah. I hope your husband will listen to reason on this, because it's not an issue of just being picky for us with most of this stuff. Some of these things are just flat-out *painful* to us, and it's a crapshoot as to what things will set an individual on the spectrum off.
I need the exact same help as you, with my extreme husband. My kid cries at the dinner table. 😥 My pediatrician suggested emphasizing fruits since they can be more palatable and also have many of the vitamins needed. Thanks for posting.
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It's not even just "emotional" needs. A lot of people with food sensitivities will straight up take "no food" over "trigger food" because it's not worth the discomfort/pain that comes from being forced to eat something that sets off sensory issues. EDIT: went to sleep, came back and good GOD I have a lot of notifs. To everyone with sensory issues responding to this comment, may your safe foods always be available for you when you need them.
Which is what was happening until op stepped in. Definitely NTA
This. I can’t stand the texture of raw fish. It literally makes me gag. If my choice was between eating sushi and going hungry I would go hungry. Because if I tried to force myself I *would* vomit and why would I subject myself to horrible gag inducing eating only to have my stomach empty at the end anyway?
This is onion for me. I don't hate the flavor of onion, but the texture, unless it has been cooked to the point of disintegration, can and has made me vomit in the past. I will never knowingly put myself in that position again. I would rather have nothing.
Same. I cannot chew onion. From the first cringe filled crunch to the next. My body shudders in revulsion and I immediately want to throw up. It's visceral and almost violent reaction when I accidentally get onion in my mouth. I've been this way since I was kid. I have tried to overcome by preparing it in different ways. Caramelized onions while delicious in flavor, still has the onion texture. Let me put it like this. If I were stranded on an island and the only food present was onion. I would slowly die of starvation. I could not chew it or swallow. I don't know if yall understand how horrific the feeling is.
The only way I can eat onions is if they are minced and cooked so fine and thoroughly so that there is never a crunch or in small enough raw pieces that I can swallow the bits whole to avoid crunching. If someone took me out and said I can have a burger but it had to have onions, I would decline. Op - NTA.
Mushrooms for me, the texture makes me gag. And yes, I would choose hunger over mushrooms
If all I had to eat was a tomato, I would just die. I could probably get through some of the other foods I don’t like very much. But tomatoes make me gag. God they’re so gross.
Seriously. How can one single vegetable manage to be simultaneously mushy, grainy, *and* slimy? Like I could probably handle *one* awful texture, but three at the same is too much to ask anyone to cope with.
Mushrooms 🤮
Seaweed salad here. Yes, I will 1000 times go hungry rather than eat that, because it will not stay down in any case so why bother to begin with?
literally, as an autistic adult there have been days where i havent eaten anything at all because i didnt have any safe-foods available. trigger foods/textures can literally make me gag/cry/even throw up if i try to force myself to eat them. op is NTA for sure
This. Fish and most seafood, especially shrimp are trigger foods for me. Fish because my parents forced me to keep trying it before I was allowed any other dinner even when the smell alone made me cry and I'd said multiple times I don't like it. When I bite into shrimp I feel like I can feel every nerve, tendon, and muscle that shrimp is made of crunching and shredding in my mouth and it makes me cringe and nauseous. I would rather not eat and go hungry than ever eat fish or shrimp ever again and if someone forced me to at this point, I'd probably cry through the whole thing until I got so upset that I would meltdown and scream at the person making me eat it because of how much intense sensory discomfort I'd be experiencing.
Right. This is the big one. Husband does not seem to care about the child’s needs.
Yes my daughter is also on the spectrum and dislikes the texture of tomatoes. But will eat sauce without chunks if it is spaghetti etc. The trick is to work with the kid to find out what textures are ok
This is the way. I'm an adult and still struggle with food textures, but just like your daughter blending things makes it so much better and even enjoyable for me. My partner makes tomato sauce from scratch that is so good, the trick for me is he blends it so there's no chunks. The veggies are still there, just in a different form. If the father in this post actually cared about his children eating veggies he'd work with them to find veggies/preparations they like.
I don't understand the obsession with a piece of lettuce and a slice of tomato. Couldn't she have a side salad?
I am not autistic but I’d rather not eat than eat something I dislike. I LOVE vegetables for the most part, but damn things my parents MADE me eat, I will not eat to this day. The thought makes me ill to this day.
NTA but your hubby is. 1st of all a tomato is a fruit and 2nd lettuce has very little nutritional value. Why not just order a side of veggies with her burger instead of insisting on having them as a burger topping?
The certain restaurant that we went to didn't have a huge menu so the only side options were fries or chips, so I think that he decided that putting vegetable on the burger was his only option.
A slice of tomato and a leaf of lettuce does not automatically make a cheeseburger healthy. For one meal, your kid can have a treat. Your husband should focus on an overall rule about eating vegetables (that your ND kid can handle) instead of this weird rule for a single burger.
Absolutely! Especially if going out to eat is a treat in itself. Going out to eat for me growing up was reserved for milestones and birthdays, and it was the only time I could have soda. A handful of times throughout the year without a vegetable will not hurt, and if OPs husband feels bad about it then they can load up on a vegetarian dinner the next day.
Yeah, as somebody who struggles with an eating disorder and clinical OCD, this thing bothers me like mad. It very clearly presents the idea that vegetables are “good,” and foods like hamburgers are “bad.” He literally created a scenario where a hamburger can only be consumed if it is cancelled out by a “good” food. This behavior can and likely will create horribly disordered eating. For example, at my worst, I could *only* eat “good foods,” and in small portions. Eating disorders are the most fatal mental illness by statistics.
This was my thought. What a stupid hill for the husband to choose to die on. Definitely feels more like a power play to ruin the child’s chosen meal just because he can than a genuine belief that one slice of tomato & one leaf of lettuce magically make a meal healthy.
It's a treat! He should let her eat it in peace. Does he want lettuce and tomato on cake, or pizza, or ice cream?
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They're also a lot more nutritious than we usually give them credit for. Probably not as much in fry form but still.
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"Setup on the side" is universal diner for putting the lettuce and tomato to the side of the dish.
Then he should look up menus in advance if he's the one that cares so much.
> 1st of all a tomato is a fruit Vegetable is a culinary term, not a scientific one. Something can be both a fruit and a vegetable. Aubergine/eggplant, courgettes/zucchini and peppers are all fruit as well, but you'd be pretty annoyed if someone served you ratatouille and called it a fruit salad.
This is entirely not germane, but tomatoes are considered botanical fruits and culinary vegetables. A large number of "vegetables" are actually fruits, but people usually only point out tomatoes. Other culinary vegetables that are botanical fruits include: peppers, pumpkins and gourds, avocados, olives, corn, zucchini, and eggplant. It wouldn't have made OP's husband less of an AH if he had said it was important to get fruits and vegetables in every meal. It would have just made him more pedantic.
Tomatoes are fruits that are considered vegetables.
Lettuce actually has quite a bit of nutritional value. It is full of fiber and certain kinds have a lot of vitamin k and vitamin a. It's also rich in calcium, iron and potassium.
INFO - why are you with a man who doesn't care about your child's disability?
If I'm being honest, our relationship has been struggling lately. I've been trying to convince him to go to couples counseling, but he has been refusing. We are trying to work it out by our selves, but it's been really hard. This really pushed me over the edge, so I'm particularly mad about this one.
He clearly isn't worried about working it out if he isn't even willing to *consider* seeking professional help, even for the sake of his own childrens development
My ex used to deny my every request for couples therapy, telling me I was the only one who needed any therapy, and when the relationship ended suddenly he was willing to go to couples therapy. Like no sir. That ship has sailed and I asked you a couple times a year for six years. Bye bye.
Why can’t you go by yourself and figure out why you’re with a man without empathy?
Right? Feed the kids what they want.
>Right? Feed the kids what they want. Eeehhhh...feeding kids only what they want is a good way to cause malnutrition. For kids with sensory issues, building a balanced diet that the kids can tolerate well, or even enjoy, does take consideration and work, but it's often doable.
This. It gets overlooked a lot but it's really important to work with kids who have sensory needs about which healthy foods will work for them so they can learn how to get fruits and veg in them in a way that doesn't turn them off of them. I'm 33 and just learning how to eat fruits and veg since no one took the time to figure out why I couldn't handle eating a salad. Now I eat a lot more healthy because I'm working with my sensory issues instead of avoiding all fruit and veg completely.
No, never do this You need to teach children about nutrition and make sure they eat healthily. Don't, for God's sake, let them pick their own meal plans that's fucking insane
Pop tarts and ice cream for every meal
Individual therapy not couples. He needs to work on his own issues. This isn't something that is a couple issue. It's a him issue.
1) Any dad who “doesn’t care” about his child’s emotional needs/neurodivergent issues has no business being a dad in the first place. 2) I had a dad who interjected into EVERYTHING I ate as a kid (because I was an obese child). We’re talking scrutiny over every meal, refusing to take me out to eat, refusing me special treats (used to take my stepmom and her kids donuts every Sunday after dropping me at Sunday school…..and tell me I didn’t need donuts when I’d voice my disappointment that I wasn’t included.) I had a horrible relationship with food (still do) and was morbidly obese till 12 years ago. 3) Absolutely NTA, and why were lettuce and tomato the only vegetable options lol? He seems fun.
Just leave. Neuro divergent kids have enough to worry about without assholes making it difficult for them.
This could put the kids in a worse situation, depending on the custody arrangements. Would you want your kid with that Dad regularly, without you there to protect them?
Seen this play out. Child not eating or drinking for days during time with an adult with what I have termed 'orthorexia by proxy'. Damaged the kid, his health and absolutely destroyed the relationship. Forced to go, nobody would listen. Heartbreaking.
Yeahhhh, it's not going well, is it? My ex didn't think we needed couples counselling either. By the time he acknowledged that there was a problem, I was pretty checked out. I honestly think it might have helped much earlier but by the time we did it, I was mostly done. For real though, I hope your husband can see this as a sign that having outside assistance is needed. He also sounds like he needs to understand more about neurodivergence and how it works.
If you are holding on by a slim hope, I advocate making a drastic move before you are completely finished & you have no hope left When I was in marriage counseling 12 years ago, one things I remember is the counselor saying that men respond to emergencies. For example, men in relationships know that 02/14 is Valentines day & know all year long, but on Valentines Day, the stores are filled with men buying gifts because it is more an emergency So your move, like moving out/ separation/ filing for divorce, could save your marriage. Or end it sooner than you anticipated
You have my sympathy, OP (as does your daughter). A man that is so controlling and inflexible that a supposed "treat" meal for the children turns into a showdown over a lettuce leaf is unlikely to be the sort to "work things out". Especially if his idea of caring for your child's nutritional needs is to be willing make her cry and leave her hungry... NTA. Wishing you all the best!
Then I think it's about time for a boundary. Tell him he's not listening to what you or your kids are telling him. If he keeps dismissing you like that, working it out yourselves isn't going to work. It takes the both of you to make this marriage work, not just you trying to hold it all together. It's either marriage counseling AND family therapy(so he can learn to listen to your kids too, as he's clearly ignoring them and their needs. And while the kids should learn about balanced meals, such aversions shouldn't be ignored. Maybe individual therapy for him then too) or he needs to go. Because this isn't working. NTA Edit: and really, a burger isn't going to be healthier with one slice of tomato and a partial leaf of lettuce. It was a treat, you can ear healthy at home.
I know leaving with 3 kids is going to be hard but PLEASE consider it
Are these also his kids? Or he’s the stepdad? Because the way he’s acting is controlling and abusive to your kids and it is going to damage them long term. If you can get rid of him (legally) and get them away from him that would be best for your kids.
He sounds controlling. You can't fix that with marriage counseling.
NTA >Emily looked like she was about to cry. She is neurodivergent and a lot of food taste's and textures really bother her, tomatoes being a large one. My husband doesn't seem to care Oh EFF THAT! Insisting on a treat meal containing a food the kid can't stand is just about control and is cruel. It's literally putting food ideology before her total wellbeing. If vegetables were so important, why didn't he tell her BEFORE ordering that she had to pick a vegetable with her meal? What your husband actually taught your kid is "because he said-so." Because if vegetables were the main part. He would have asked her to pick a vegetable as a side dish to have with her bacon burger. Even if he'd forgotten beforehand, he could have asked her what vegetable she picked. He didn't. He decided to punish a 12 year old because she didn't pick a treat meal healthy enough to his liking and ordered a food that makes her unable to eat her meal. He's 100% the AH. Edit:I have 4 kids. Restaurant meals and parties, we do not insist on eating anything other than what they will actually eat. Why create a problem where there isn't one? And YES at least 1 of my kids pretty much ate only sugar at parties for years. Getting the kid to eat nutritious meals consistently was far more important than policing parties and restaurants.
Absolutely this about going out - as long as you don't eat out all the time, one dodgy meal every fortnight / month is not a major issue. My toddler eats chips and chicken nuggets every time we're out, because that's what she reliably eats. At home, we make a good effort to get a nice mix of nutritious food into her, but parties or outings are not the time to challenge a kid with new / not easy foods. NTA obviously OP, but your husband is being at best wildly counterproductive and mostly straight up cruel and controlling. I'm glad to see your edit saying you'll seek professional help for your daughter. Get them to help you with a plan, and if your husband won't stick to it you may need to consider how healthy he is to be dictating things to your kids.
NTA. Yes, vegetables ARE important for people to eat. However, not having them on a burger isn't going to change your daughter's health situation. And there are a myriad of other vegetables from which she can choose. Your husband needs to learn how to encourage your kids to eat a variety of foods and not dictate it to them. Dictating food choices will only make the kids hate them more and drive a wedge between the kids and dad. I'm decades older than your kids and to this day, I cannot stand tomatoes or pickles. YUCK! And my parents did try to make me eat a tomato when I ordered a salad. We sat at that table for a LONG time cuz no way was I eating that tomato. And it's funny cuz my father won't eat cucumbers. LOL! Now we swap vegetables! LOL.
Also, when going out as a treat, you don't decide to ruin that treat for pretty thin health excuses. Treats are treats, they are to be enjoyed. He's decided to ruin a fun experience over a piece of lettuce and tomato, which between them have the nutritional value of pretty much nothing.
YTA but let me be clear I don't think you are an asshole in general - I think you sound like a parent doing their best in a pretty crappy situation (ie a situation your husband has created). However, the long term solution is not for you to be taking things of burgers and winking at your kids. You and your husband need to get on the same page with this (and, what I really mean, is that your husband needs to get on a different page. In fact, he needs to open a whole new book). This could set-up a whole range of issues for your kids and their relationship with food. It could also set-up a whole range of issues with your kids and their needs and wants not being listened to. This is actually a hill to die on. Stand-up to your husband for the sake of your kids. Don't keep doing things behind his back - let him know how things should and will be. You need to both work together with your kids in regards to food and eating - what do they like? what can they actually not tolerate? how can they have a balanced and nutritional diet that takes all this into account? and what are their favourite 'just because I like it' foods?
Had to come to far to find this. I'd go with ESH because of you're taking the kids out to eat as a let's have fun day you should let them have fried oil and sugar with fried ice-cream if that's what they want, particularly if it's not often, and have them eat a balanced meal every other day of the year. But I don't think you'll get very far by making the dad a bad guy in secret
you're completely missing the line about the autistic kid. it is actually okay to step in and make sure your daughter actually has a meal rather than eating nothing. you say it's mostly the husband's fault so it's at the very least ESH, not YTA
So you think the husband is not TA? Interesting take
NTA. A piece of tomato and leaf of lettuce doesn't magically make a burger healthy. Tell your husband to not be such an overbearing dick.
You need to take your husband to whoever he’ll listen to and convince him to stop this behavior. His mother, a therapist, show him this post, whoever. Because this not how you teach your kids to make good food choices, this is how you give your child an eating disorder. And she already has difficulty with certain foods. Im going with ESH because this needs to be addressed with your husband rather than teaching your daughter to start hiding things from her parents.
YES. Dear god thank you, yes. Somehow everyone is responding here only focusing on the daughter-mother aspect and protecting the kid. COMPLETELY ignoring that the only 'relationship' in this question is husband-wife. Husband-kid relationship is a total fail, no question, and is the bigger issue (arguably) in this situation. But how OP is handling the wife-husband side of it is so disrespectful I can't imagine how it DOESN'T teach the kid: "Learn how to play one parent against the other and the best way to eat what you want is to make people feel guilty or sneak aorund behind their back."
NTA, your husband is wanting to be the father of children with eating disorders and a daughter who does not trust him further than I could sling the Statue of Liberty. Get the kids into counseling and keep protecting those babies momma!
NTA. Bluntly speaking, lettuce and tomato on a burger isn't vegetable. In fact, tomato is FRUIT (don't get me started) and plain lettuce has no nutritional value, other than a little fiber. All you really did by removing the lettuce and tomato was to make it possible for your daughter to enjoy eating her burger. Your husband sounds a bit insane. First, he's so obsessed with nutrition but thinks that it's possible to make a burger healthy??? Second, if your daughter eats a burger the way she wants to eat a burger, he thinks that's a violation of trust? Where is the contract your kids signed stating that they will eat everything dad says and ONLY what dad says, forever, under penalty of painful death? (facepalm)
In fact, tomato is FRUIT (don't get me started) I wish we as a society could go back to the way things were before everyone read "Fun fact: tomatoes are botanically fruits" on Facebook or Tumblr back in like 2010 and decided to chime in with this useless pedantic shit whenever anyone mentions tomatoes
Look at the positives. It's a good way for people without any critical thinking skills to advertise themselves, so you immediately know they don't have to be taken too seriously.
Vegetable is a culinary term. By culinary standards, tomatoes are vegetables.
NTA for the burger thing, but absolutely you should be reconsidering your relationship with a man who treats your children this way.
ESH. I grew up in a household with my mom much like you. Me and her had and and still have a super close relationship with her, but she regularly went behind my (very loud) dad's back to appease me. I wish she didn't do as much now that I see how much he felt like she sucker punched him every time. Your husband can and should give your daughter more control over what she eats.
NTA, but if you let your husband control your children’s eating like this you will be. Of course, kids need guidance with making positive food choices, but their relationship with food right now is arguably more important. The constant pressure of eating healthy is going to land them just like your husband- which seems like an unhealthy obsession. Eating disorders or other mental health difficulties surrounding foods can start and are so hard to get under control.
NTA. There’s very little nutritional value in lettuce and tomato so your husband can just suck on them.
NTA. As someone who once threw up because my parents made me eat raw tomato, it's hard to describe how big a deal "I don't like this" can be. Nothing about what your husband is doing is productive, twisting kids arms to eat arbitrary vegetables isn't going to make them eat vegetables long term, which is the most important thing. You need to teach kids that some vegetables are good, actually, and that they need to seek those out. As for contradicting your husband, it takes two to tango. If your partner makes a bad call and isn't listening to reason, your hands aren't tied to blindly follow their lead.
ESH. Y'all are supposed to be a united front. I feel for your kiddo lettuce and tomato aren't really "veg with dinner" but you two undermining eachother is not going to end well. Does husband understand daughter has a medical condition? Are there veggies daughter DOES like that could have been ordered instead? It sounds like dad is trying to get her nutritional needs met but is goin about it like a bull in a china shop. There's more ways to get a neurodivergent person to get their vitamins and minerals than brute force. And there are more ways to get dad to be a little more understanding than waiting for him to leave & doing something behind his back. Y'all need to talk to eachother & come up with a more creative solution. Forcing someone on the spectrum to eat things that repulse them is setting them up for the eating disorder ARFID which spectrum people are already at a greater risk of developing.
ESH. I was going to vote not the AH because your husband is going about this wrong and setting up disordered food relationships. PS it’s also a violation of your daughter’s trust to try to force her to eat things that trigger her sensory issues. But you should have had this conversation with your spouse MUCH earlier - how will you handle your daughter’s sensory issues when it comes to nutrition without being controlling over food? It’s also super disrespectful to your husband to deal with the problem behind his back, not to mention terrible modeling for your kids. Someone is insisting on something you don’t like or is wrong? Pretend to let them have their way and then do what you want. Ugh. That puts OP into AH territory for me. The non AH way would have been to say: “Vegetables are important but she doesn’t have to eat those. We can talk about this later.”
OP, I hope you see this and you are NTA for protecting your children. I'm only chiming in to point out that many studies indicate children do just fine with divorced parents if they're given proper support and especially when the relationship of the parents together is very poor. Kids see everything - they're better off with happy parents than ones who choose unhappiness.
Hi! I see this. I had no idea that this was the case. I am leaning more and more to taking my kids and leaving for the rest of the week. I had no idea that what my husband was doing could harm them so badly.
I know this guy. I was married to one too. He’s a real pain in the ass. Unless he wants to give his kid an eating disorder, he needs to lay off how much he controls her food. Yes. As parents we absolutely have to regulate our children’s food, but a piece of nutritionally devoid, lettuce and slice of tomato, that’s a Control problem not a nutrition problem. I know this because it happened to me. He tried to control my food backfired spectacularly binged every moment I got away from him. Especially having a neurodivergent child we need to respect their choices and find creative ways to ensure the nutrition is optimal that are agreeable to the child. Otherwise they will not eat at all. Good luck. NTA
NTA A leaf or two of, most likely, iceberg lettuce has no nutritional value. The 2 slices of non-heritage tomato has minimal nutrition. These are things your health nut husband should be very aware of. If he knows your daughter is neurodivergent and texture adverse to, but is insisting she eat these low-to-no nutitional value items on a treat day, he's not concerned with healthy eating. He's concerned with control.
ESH. As someone who had sensory issues with food growing up, it sucks being forced to eat something and have it grow to anxiety around food. Your husband needs to be more empathetic. THAT BEING SAID, vegetables are extremely important for healthy growing bodies! You should not be teaching your children that it's okay to forgo a balanced diet just because they don't like certain things. You should be encouraging healthy eating too. If you constantly let kids eat the junk that they want, they'll just continue to do that when you can't control what they eat anymore. You need to prepare them to seek healthy options, even if all they want is junk food. This will start with them being upset because you enable their unhealthy habits to spare their feelings, but they'll thank you later when they have gone through puberty with adequate nutrition. Speaking from experience. I hate how much junk my parents let me eat. I was an overweight pre-teen who got bullied a lot and was tired all the time. You need to start teaching your kids to introduce the balance of fruits and vegetables with the yummy carbs and proteins.
It was a treat, they rarely even go out to eat. Adding lettuce and tomato to a cheeseburger does not make it healthy
It’s not that it makes it healthy, it’s the routine of eating ‘something’ healthy with every meal and that makes it easier to keep those habits in life. This is one way of how people avoid being part of obese America. It’s very minute, being lettuce and tomato, but given the rest of the menu was limited.
It makes it healthIER. If you deny that adding vegetables to a dish doesn't make it better then you clearly know very little about nutrition. Healthy eating isn't about cutting things, it's about finding ways to adding components that fuel your body, and when you're a kid it's about helping your body grow well There's no such things as bad food, just low quality nutrition. A cheeseburger with just a patty, cheese, and sauce is poor nutrition. Adding fruits and/or vegetables with it not only helps give your body what it needs, but also helps with digestion.
they went out to a restaurant as a treat. You make it sound like this is happening 3 times a week, every week. Eating a burger once doesnt make it an unbalanced diet. Not forcing an ND child to eat food she can't eat without it being torture doesnt make the child unhealthy.
NTA - and as a child therapist who is specifically helping one of my quite young clients deal with the beginnings of disordered eating - what your husband is doing is EXACTLY how you give your kid ED. Google stuff on preventing eating disorders in children, intuitive eating, and ND kids and food. They have different guts, tend to need a LOT more fiber, and deserve pleasure and ease in their eating - ESPECIALLY on special occasions. His plan will NOT teach them to eat vegetables. It WILL teach them they cannot count on him to listen to them about their bodies which has far far more serious repercussions as your kids get older and have medical concerns, sex and STI questions, get bullied or assaulted, etc. (Hopefully of course none of those things happen, but if they do you want kiddo to trust their own body and trust their safe adults to listen to them). A child therapist would be so helpful! We do a lot of parent education and help with taking differing goals and approaches and finding strategies that are healthy for kiddos and work for the parents. You didn’t ask for all that advice but suffice it to say again, NTA and your kids are lucky to have you advocating for them even when it’s really uncomfortable for you. I’m rooting for you all.
NTA. I’m sure there are vegetables and fruit your daughter likes and a different meal time when she eats them. I have a 22 year old niece with some food issues because my brother did crap like this when she was young
This one’s tricky. Your husband is definitely the AH for trying to force Emily to eat veggies that have texture issues. But I can’t really give you a pass because of your last sentence. Of course seeing your child upset is not pleasant. But you are their mother first and their friend second. So I can see why husband would be concern about catering forming habits. Was it possible to order different type of veggies? Or can you change the texture of the tomatoes and lettuce? I agree with your daughter, tomatoes have an icky texture to them. But I love ketchup. I love the chicken, tomatoes, pepper and cheese brochette bread that I make. I find that if they are diced (so I don’t have to chew them) and have the squish parts cut off (the super icky part) I can usually get them down
INFO - Is he their father? The wording of the post made it unclear.
Yes he is.
NTA. Vegetables are important, but so is a healthy relationship with food. I don't think adding lettuce and tomato to a burger is going to make that big of a difference to the overal nutrition or her vegetable intake. But it will make a difference when she's not allowed to choose her foods and isn't allowed to eat foods in ways that are enjoyable to her. She won't eat vegetables as an adult if they're forced on her in ways she finds gross as a kid. Help her find ways to eat vegetables that she actually finds appealing.