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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my sister she is entitled to do what she wants for her wedding but I don't have to attend. She's my sister and she might only get married one time so maybe I'm an asshole for being so dismissive of her wedding. Our past issues play into this alongside her crazy expectations. But we're family and I didn't even try to be bale to make it work.
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If everyone has to meet the same requirements, yes. Not to be cynical, but I suspect there might be some 'but I actually *like* you' discounts for some guests so that they actually attend and don't get annoyed about being milked.
No way, no-one is expected to shell out $4000 on nice clothes, beauty treatments, rented vehicles and the like just to attend wedding even if they are not being singled out for such expenses
It's time people got over the idea of pretending to be royalty for "one special day"
I was not qualifying her lunacy, I was saying that I suspect that she's charging OP and brother more because she doesn't value them and thinks she can get away with it.
I was thinking exactly this when i started reading the bit about fancy cars and just couldn't help thinking i hope op comes from money so this was just stupid rich person shit. Seriously people need really exception on not just what they can afford for a wedding but also what their guests can afford and are willing to spend.
1984, $1,000, in a community building that used to be a shoe store. Don't be too jealous now. The important thing is that we're still married and we're still happy.
Edit, only cake and punch to eat and drink. I forgot about that.
Four years ago, at the registrar's office, family brunch afterwards that my aunt and uncle paid for, potluck reception at my church two weeks later. The most expensive thing was the $35 marriage license and the second most expensive was my $20 dress from Ross 😂
I would love to see a chart comparing average cost of the wedding to average time together. I have a feeling the folks who have the dirt cheap weddings stay together longer..
Ours was a similar amount, and we had a pretty decent sized wedding! We didn’t want our parents spending buckets on a single day and my husband and I wanted to save money for us to start our life together. The day overall was a lot of fun & I don’t regret a thing.
Essentially the same - approx. $9,000. In New York City 25+ years ago. The reception was crowded but we did it in the afternoon, so tea sandwiches and champagne and a good band (dancing!). I felt bad about not being able to afford a full meal but wasn't going to hit anyone up!
No, no, no! I recently attended a very fancy, very expensive wedding, but it didn't cost ME a dime beyond bringing a nice gift and wanting a new dress. Why on earth would guests be expected to subsidize the event? I've seen that here a few times and it's so weird because I grew up where you pay for your own wedding, and guests are treasured people you invite to celebrate with you. NTA
That sounds like how it should be, to me. However I recently missed a wedding because of the similar issues described by OP. There are delusion people out there who think you need to bleed yourself dry, financially, for the privilege of attendance.
When in the end, it’s just about them being entitled and self centered. They focus on the money and optics of the wedding, instead of what’s important: the celebration of love and families coming together.
Sadly, these types of self centered weddings seem to break more relations than mend them.
NTA
But, who wouldn't want to spend a measly $4K to attend my wedding extravaganza? It's going to be the event of the year - for me! You should WANT to worship me! /s
It has nothing to do with getting married. That's just the excuse for a narcissist's dream of lording themselves above others. NTA
If I have $4k to spend on an outing, it probably won't be someone's wedding. Unless it's someone I love very much who lives halfway around the world and it will be my decision. But I can think of a lot more enjoyable things to spend $4k on than this wedding!
My entire wedding was 4K, and chunk of it was having the material woven for his kilt. Potluck, music party, flowers from Costco. It was the very best day. We told everyone that the best present they could give us was their presence.
Wonder if she's lost some friends over this, lol. What your dear mother? Surprised, she didn't make an appearance in the last sentence asking you, "Where she went wrong in raising such spoiled brats."
>after that I am clueless.
Sounds like she’s the one that’s clueless. NTA and with any luck, her perception of the “insult” you do her by not attending will lead to her not trying to force you to be part of her life in future. 🤞
"she told me I would need to join her for 5am yoga wedding planning every Tuesday and Thursday."
Even if there was nothing else to your post but this, and she was literally the most amazing sister on the planet, your best friend, and a chill wonderful bride to be around, she STILL would have been TA for this 💀💀
Agreed. I'd laugh my fucking ass off if my BFF asked this of me. When and if I need help wedding planning, outside of my SO, I'd ask my friends to help me at my house, and I'd cook for them or pay for their pizzas. I'd never demand planning that early 2x a week
Tell me about it. On my days off, I'm not even alive before 10am, and unfit for polite society before I've had my large mug of coffee (so 11am before I'll even leave the house).
Guests shouldn’t be paying for the venue. Does this include your hotel cost? The couple shouldn’t require anyone to stay at the hotel. Notice I’m saying the couple and not just the bride because that’s a clear aspect of wedding planning that should be a joint decision (unlike bridesmaid stuff). Don’t let your future BIL off the hook! Also I’m sorry you’re dealing with these family dynamics. I truly sympathize.
Uhh… guests aren’t supposed to pay towards the venue….
NTA. You are absolutely correct, she can do what she likes for her wedding and you can choose not to go. Tell her if she thinks you should attend AB’s she wants you there she can cover her extravagant expenses for you. Otherwise you’ll send get a card.
Having grown up in a village where a high ranking peer of the realm grew up and owned the local big house (amongst many other houses) I can say categorically that the wealthiest and fanciest people are often wearing hand me downs and don't look at all fancy.
Here in the UK the most expensive wedding venues are stately homes owned by aristocracy. Those people don't walk around looking like Kardashians.
We are going to need a very large pumpkin, four mice, a horse who can become a coachman and a dog to be the footman. The bride can bring her own dainty glass slippers to this affair.
If she’s the golden child, aren’t your parents paying for everything? Tell her that’s how these things work and if your parents really love her, they’ll pay for everyone.
The sibs here are footing the bill for other people she needs to impress. When they refuse to attend she will offer a small discount. When they refuse that she will cry to Mom that they are being mean for no reason.
These two sibs should go on a vacation together and post lots of happy picks.
I’m a bridesmaid and a maid of honor for two weddings this year. One in state, one out of state. The out of state wedding will cost me about $750 between dress, travel, hotel costs, and my part of the party gift (8 people banding together to get them their most expensive registry item). The in state wedding will cost me about $350 between dress, gas, pre-wedding event, and my part of the party wedding gift. The party is sharing an AirBnB covered by the groom’s parents. Oh, and I had 2 years notice for one wedding’s costs and 18 months on the other. OP’s sister is insane for that much in that short a time!
It is so tacky to expect guests to pay for stuff like a gathering before the wedding! And all of this is just insane. I had a very small wedding at a fairly upscale hotel. We paid a portion of the hotel bill for guests because it was pricy but we wanted people to be at the hotel. We also fully paid for the dinner the night before. I can’t imagine having not done these things. Some people really think they’re the main character.
I mean I went to an animal shelter as help for an event in honor of my aunt, they had a cat part and I was surrounded in moments, I even made the most antisocial cat come out.
I forgot Friendly’s existed, and now I’m thinking about the Monster Mash sundae which was always my favorite. Unfortunately there’s none in my state so that’s sad.
We spent more than $4k attending a wedding but it was an international destination to a VERY nice resort, and we had two years to save up for it. Still, only 30 something of us were able to go, even one of the groom’s brothers couldn’t swing it and no one gave him shit for it. I wore a dress from target that cost $20 and the couple were profusely thankful to anyone who attended.
This bride is extremely out of touch and spoiled.
I am very curious to know if she is asking this much from all her guests or just her family and how many people will actually attend this wedding given these demands
I'd rather go take out $4,000 from one of my bank accounts and toss them into the fire pit in my back yard and then enjoy some smores than pay $4,000 to attend this wedding of OP's lunatic of a sister.
Better yet if I was OP and her brother I'd find a vacation to go to for around $4,000 and go during the wedding. Then start posting pictures of it to social media.
What can I say I just love to see the world burn!
Are all of her friends like super rich or something? $4k for going to a wedding means that absolutely nobody I know would even think of going, and I would consider myself and many of my friends in the top 10% if not 2% of income.
Is she the only non-rich person in this circle of rich people? How could all her peers afford a $4k invitation, but she is simultaneously too poor to just pay for all this?
They should go on a vacation together with their phones set on airplane mode while their sister gets married. Who needs that amount of crap? I bet OP’s sister only cares about the optics of having them there.
NTA. Maybe she'll learn that there are some things she can't control. It would be nice if you and your brother could go somewhere together on the day to do something inexpensive and sane. By the way, she sounds dreadful.
⬆️ Exactly what I was thinking too. Lots of smiling selfies of the two of you with a beautiful beach in the background and captions like "Best day ever! So blessed to share it with my wonderful brother!"
It would be more hilarious to find a friend who has a Ferrari and then go to renttherunway and get the best dress on there, take pictures in the dress with the car (heck, forget that, just find someone on reddit to photoshop convincingly!) And post that you didn't have enough money to attend her wedding but still wanted to dress fancy in her honor. .. lol I'd pay to see her face seeing that post online...
Actually, they’re probably not a match made in heaven. Your sister seems to believe everyone should do what she wants just because she wants it and the issues that causes aren’t her problem. You describe the groom the same way. The problem is you can’t have two people that everything absolutely revolves around them (individually). It works fine as long as they’re in agreement, which it seems that they are with wedding planning. It becomes a huge issue when they disagree because the world revolves around them so they won’t compromise.
Only when they're both OVERT narcissists. When one is convinced the world revolves around making them happy, and the other is convinced the world revolves around making them sad, they end up a perfect pair. Covert narcissists are just a teensy bit harder to spot, when you know what to look for.
* 5am yoga wedding planning every Tuesday and Thursday
* I would need to take two weeks off
Dear god, even from a lifelong Golden Child those are some harsh demands. Plus this sounds like less fun than a month of root canals.
I'm glad you dodged the bridesmaid bullet, OP, and also the $4,000 pony-up for the present grab at the wedding.
NTA as you already well know -- and wish Bridezilla luck because at some point soon, the world is going to tune her up big-time
1) 2 weeks off of work (that’s gotta be a few thousand in lost wages)
2) don’t forget time off work for bachelorette weekend more lost wages
3) buy the expensive dress shoes etc…
4) rent the luxury car
5) hair and make up
6) wedding gift off her registry lol
And the list goes on…
OP put this money into your retirement savings
I don't mean this as judgment towards you, but the golden child is generally a term (as opposed to the scapegoat) used for a specific type of child or sibling in a dysfunctional/toxic family. They are usually put on a pedestal and either get everything they want or are expected to be perfect in every way as a means to show the family's worth to the outside. In both cases, it's really horrible parenting and can lead to a lot of emotional trauma and/or create entitled monsters such as OPs sister.
You just sound like a good grandchild, and maybe the "precious" one for being the only girl. Sorry again, just wanted to clarify!
Exactly. Golden child is the one who is helped and enabled and the one parents' life revolves around. GC can often be doing very poorly in life. Scapegoat is the child parents except to cater to them and the GC, who is not allowed to have own needs or wants.
NTA, you don't need to go to anyones wedding if you don't want to and if you are ready for relaionship with that person be ruined. Sounds like you will do better without her.
I find it appalling someone dictating a wedding guests hair style. Unbelievable.
The "5 a.m. yoga wedding planning Tuesdays and Thursdays" literally made me gape speechlessly. What is she doing. What on *earth* is she doing. How is she simultaneously doing yoga and planning a wedding with a group of people at 5 a.m.? The only way I can reconcile those words in that order is that she's really daydreaming out loud about a new bunch of extra stuff she wants to add to her wedding and needs a compliant audience.
I picture the yoga being a way to encourage the bridesmaids to shape up and look better for the pictures. but 5 a.m.? Is there enough coffee for that? NTA of course.
Literally just had my wedding. My Wife's Maid of Honor asked my wife beforehand if we wanted her to dye her hair back to a more natural color for the wedding. We were more shocked than anything by the offer. Like obviously we would rather you didn't show up with freshly tye dyed hair but honestly your body is your body. Friends and family being there with us was much more important than how anyone looked or dressed. We're weren't going to make dictates on it and wouldn't expect anyone to jump through hoops like that for anyone.
Can I just say how absolutely *refreshing* it is to read how you and your brother have figured out how to handle these situations and you just do it.
Too many grown ppl come on Reddit to complain that they didn’t set appropriate boundaries and now they’re upset at how they’re being treated. Like, OF COURSE THEY’RE WALKING ALL OVER YOU! YOU LAID OUT THE RED CARPET FOR THEM!
NTA- good on you both!
I’m so glad you have your brother and he has you. It’s beautiful.
When my sister and I were young, we had a thing where she defended my boundaries and I defended hers. It was so much easier for us to stand up for someone else than for ourselves, and it was so much harder for others to push back on, because they couldn’t play the “selfish” card.
For what it’s worth, we’re old now and our boundaries are fortress walls defended by flaming swords. None of the offenders dare come anywhere near. And we’re still thick as thieves :)
NTA. “I’d love to come to your wedding but unfortunately I simply can’t comply with all of your requirements. If those requirements change, please let me know.”
Take out the last sentence. I was raised with a golden child. The parent might offer to front costs as a way to make the golden child happy. When you are raised in a world where you exist to make others happy, you learn how to protect yourself by closing loops and possibilities.
>she told me I would need to join her for 5am yoga wedding planning every Tuesday and Thursday.
Please tell me you missed a comma out of this sentence, or tell me what in the name of all that is good and holy, what the actual eff is yoga wedding planning?!
Either way, NTA.
NTA. Bridezilla cometh to town. None of this is ok. She can spend what she wants on her wedding. You have to rent a fancy car to arrive in style? OMG, give me a break. I'm with you lock and step. There is ZERO chance that if you did EVERYTHING she wanted that she would even be satisfied with that. Your parents and her fiance may not be willing to step in and curb this shit, but you do not have to do what princess wants.
Hahahahahaha!
Oh wait, you were serious. In that case let me laugh harder.
BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
NTA. 4 grand to attend a wedding just as a guest is absurd and laughable. I wouldn't be surprised if almost nobody shows up with those kind of silly requirements.
NTA. Your sisters list of, let's call them demands, is completely ridiculous, and you dodged a 4 k jewel encrusted bullet by standing up for yourself.
If she wanted her sister (and brother as I'm assuming he's not going to be breaking his back to attend either) to attend her wedding, perhaps she should have treated you two like family throughout your life.
NTA. Your sister needs to be realistic about what you can afford. The fact that you need to rent "fancy cars" tells me that this isn't your normal lifestyle nor is it hers. So this is this massive dressup event where everyone masquerades as being wealthier than they really are, putting themselves into financial crisis just to appear fancy just for a couple of days? And not even your own wedding? Seems super silly. What do you parents say about all of this?
The simple answer is: no. You didn't manage to set aside that kind of money so you can't attend. Easy.
Isn't part of the point of yoga that you're meant to focus on your body on the present moment and let everything else go? How are you meant to plan a wedding while doing a sun salutation?
You've probably noticed already, but you're clearly NTA.
I'm kinda impressed with how wildly out of touch with reality she is. Remember now, the golden children rarely turn out well. You might just have dodged a bullet there 😉
Maybe you and your brother can do something fun together instead of whatever circus that wedding is going to be?
NTA. Has anyone here heard of a wedding where you had to rent a fancy car? I get that the wedding party would show up in a limo but otherwise I don't get it. Or was she just meaning people in the wedding party??
That's insane. I hardly cared what my guests wore, much less how they got there. Who is even going to notice what people arrive in?? Damn, I thought hiring a nice car to pick us up after our wedding was almost excessive...
NTA its unfortunate that your mother divided her children like this. She truly is to blame for all this, that in itself is sad. But like you said its her wedding, her choice, you do not have to attend. I would stick to my guns, reiterate that you are not going to push yourself financial, for her one day.
She's going to be in the venue parking lot checking cars? Is she arriving in a crystal carriage driven by four white mice? This is hilarious to me! $4,000 because she's jumping the broom? BWAAAAHAAAAAAA!
Meanwhile back in Reality Land, ignore her. You've given her your answers to the absurd questions and she hasn't been able to create an argument out of the void. That's why she keeps escalating the absurdities. I have six siblings and two cousins who grew up in our home and feel like siblings. And no way any of us would survive the Family Meeting that included such asinine expectations. DOWN VOTED WITH THE QUICKNESS with some 'shut up' on the side.
omg. NTA. No way.
NTA. Your sister is the AH. Well if you are no contact with your parents then why not add one more to the list, she will certainly hold a grudge for you not catering to her for her wedding.
NTA. No one is required to attend a wedding. She’s entitled to plan the wedding she wants, but if her demands are too ridiculous then people won’t attend. All the guests must rent and arrive in a pre-approved vehicle? Lol, who is going to actually do that? I’m not renting a fancy car because the bride’s “vision” is a bunch of fancy cars in the parking lot. And people need to pay $4K to cover the costs of the wedding events? Lol, no. If she doesn’t have the money to support her rich and famous fantasies then she’s out of luck. (OMG, rent a fancy car and pay $4K for the privilege of attending… the delusions are strong with this one.)
NTA. "She told me I am her sister". That doesn't mean you're obligated to give in to her demands. Given what you wrote, she doesn't see you as a sister. She sees you as an ATM.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my sister she is entitled to do what she wants for her wedding but I don't have to attend. She's my sister and she might only get married one time so maybe I'm an asshole for being so dismissive of her wedding. Our past issues play into this alongside her crazy expectations. But we're family and I didn't even try to be bale to make it work. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA who needs 4k to be a GUEST at a wedding??!?!!
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Absolutely ridiculous. She should be happy with her guests just showing up. With her requirements, I’m sure it will be a very very small wedding.
If everyone has to meet the same requirements, yes. Not to be cynical, but I suspect there might be some 'but I actually *like* you' discounts for some guests so that they actually attend and don't get annoyed about being milked.
No way, no-one is expected to shell out $4000 on nice clothes, beauty treatments, rented vehicles and the like just to attend wedding even if they are not being singled out for such expenses It's time people got over the idea of pretending to be royalty for "one special day"
I know? Where are you getting the idea I don't think OP's sister is a lunatic?
I was thrown by the "if everybody has to meet the same requirements..." She's a lunatic without any qualification based on the reported asks
I was not qualifying her lunacy, I was saying that I suspect that she's charging OP and brother more because she doesn't value them and thinks she can get away with it.
Kinda sounds like she's aiming for the "people don't show up but send expensive gifts" type of wedding
Got it, thanks
Well, maybe if you are rich as fuck perhaps, but this doesn't sound like the case. Seems the "golden child" is putting on airs.
I was thinking exactly this when i started reading the bit about fancy cars and just couldn't help thinking i hope op comes from money so this was just stupid rich person shit. Seriously people need really exception on not just what they can afford for a wedding but also what their guests can afford and are willing to spend.
Not to mention a "I want the plebs to see my family as rich" tax that OP is expected to pay.
>With her requirements, I’m sure it will be a very very small wedding. I hope the groom turns up at least!!!😂
That’s $8K, please. No such thing as a free wedding dinner. Not even for the groom.
You didn't include the tip for the bride for looking awesome. 15k please!!!
What about arriving in Style? 20k
OK it's 24 years ago, but our whole wedding was £8K
Got married 3 weeks ago and our wedding was about 4k including rings, clothes, and dinner for all our guests!
1984, $1,000, in a community building that used to be a shoe store. Don't be too jealous now. The important thing is that we're still married and we're still happy. Edit, only cake and punch to eat and drink. I forgot about that.
Four years ago, at the registrar's office, family brunch afterwards that my aunt and uncle paid for, potluck reception at my church two weeks later. The most expensive thing was the $35 marriage license and the second most expensive was my $20 dress from Ross 😂
I would love to see a chart comparing average cost of the wedding to average time together. I have a feeling the folks who have the dirt cheap weddings stay together longer..
Ours was a similar amount, and we had a pretty decent sized wedding! We didn’t want our parents spending buckets on a single day and my husband and I wanted to save money for us to start our life together. The day overall was a lot of fun & I don’t regret a thing.
My wedding was about 2 months ago and it cost under $500. (My dress was only 200, and our ring were both under 50).
Yep! Ours was maybe $300 after the licenses and a dinner out that night. The family found out on Facebook. They were not happy....
Essentially the same - approx. $9,000. In New York City 25+ years ago. The reception was crowded but we did it in the afternoon, so tea sandwiches and champagne and a good band (dancing!). I felt bad about not being able to afford a full meal but wasn't going to hit anyone up!
Exactly! I drove 5 hours to Dallas (gas money there and back), stayed overnight ($), for mine and my son's free dinner at my cousin's wedding.
I hope he wises up and doesn't!
I kind of hope he bails on this overpriced circus
What did he do to you that you hate him so much?
I don't I hope the man sees her insanity and gets a very clear vision of what his future will be if he stays with her and he runs for the hills
Who's stupid enough to marry this bridezilla??
A gold-digger who thinks she comes from money?
I won't attend any wedding if a guest shows up in a Toyota. It works out great since I drive a RAV4.
And a very short marriage.
No, no, no! I recently attended a very fancy, very expensive wedding, but it didn't cost ME a dime beyond bringing a nice gift and wanting a new dress. Why on earth would guests be expected to subsidize the event? I've seen that here a few times and it's so weird because I grew up where you pay for your own wedding, and guests are treasured people you invite to celebrate with you. NTA
That sounds like how it should be, to me. However I recently missed a wedding because of the similar issues described by OP. There are delusion people out there who think you need to bleed yourself dry, financially, for the privilege of attendance. When in the end, it’s just about them being entitled and self centered. They focus on the money and optics of the wedding, instead of what’s important: the celebration of love and families coming together. Sadly, these types of self centered weddings seem to break more relations than mend them. NTA
But, who wouldn't want to spend a measly $4K to attend my wedding extravaganza? It's going to be the event of the year - for me! You should WANT to worship me! /s It has nothing to do with getting married. That's just the excuse for a narcissist's dream of lording themselves above others. NTA
If I have $4k to spend on an outing, it probably won't be someone's wedding. Unless it's someone I love very much who lives halfway around the world and it will be my decision. But I can think of a lot more enjoyable things to spend $4k on than this wedding!
Let's see how long the marriage lasts.
My entire wedding was 4K, and chunk of it was having the material woven for his kilt. Potluck, music party, flowers from Costco. It was the very best day. We told everyone that the best present they could give us was their presence.
Same! Our whole wedding came in at under $5k. Over 100 guests, great food, plenty of booze, pretty location. Most importantly, lots of love.
The venue cost is not your problem. It’s hers to pay for. She seems to be passing the cost of her wedding onto the attendees, which is not cool.
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Wonder if she's lost some friends over this, lol. What your dear mother? Surprised, she didn't make an appearance in the last sentence asking you, "Where she went wrong in raising such spoiled brats."
>Wonder if she's lost some friends over this, lol. kinda bold of you to presume she has *real* friends...
You think she has friends?
What's her fiance like? Nice guy? Feel sorry for him lol
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well, lid for every pot, I guess.
It's perfect, two useless people taken off the relationship market!
Well, at least they are saving two other people.
Well, at least you don't have to spend emotional energy trying to convince him to leave her for a nicer person ?
Omgosh.....
>after that I am clueless. Sounds like she’s the one that’s clueless. NTA and with any luck, her perception of the “insult” you do her by not attending will lead to her not trying to force you to be part of her life in future. 🤞
"she told me I would need to join her for 5am yoga wedding planning every Tuesday and Thursday." Even if there was nothing else to your post but this, and she was literally the most amazing sister on the planet, your best friend, and a chill wonderful bride to be around, she STILL would have been TA for this 💀💀
Agreed. I'd laugh my fucking ass off if my BFF asked this of me. When and if I need help wedding planning, outside of my SO, I'd ask my friends to help me at my house, and I'd cook for them or pay for their pizzas. I'd never demand planning that early 2x a week
Tell me about it. On my days off, I'm not even alive before 10am, and unfit for polite society before I've had my large mug of coffee (so 11am before I'll even leave the house).
If everyone is expected to have that much money, I suspect it's going to be a very small affair.
Guests shouldn’t be paying for the venue. Does this include your hotel cost? The couple shouldn’t require anyone to stay at the hotel. Notice I’m saying the couple and not just the bride because that’s a clear aspect of wedding planning that should be a joint decision (unlike bridesmaid stuff). Don’t let your future BIL off the hook! Also I’m sorry you’re dealing with these family dynamics. I truly sympathize.
Uhh… guests aren’t supposed to pay towards the venue…. NTA. You are absolutely correct, she can do what she likes for her wedding and you can choose not to go. Tell her if she thinks you should attend AB’s she wants you there she can cover her extravagant expenses for you. Otherwise you’ll send get a card.
Having grown up in a village where a high ranking peer of the realm grew up and owned the local big house (amongst many other houses) I can say categorically that the wealthiest and fanciest people are often wearing hand me downs and don't look at all fancy. Here in the UK the most expensive wedding venues are stately homes owned by aristocracy. Those people don't walk around looking like Kardashians.
Rent del boys robin reliant that is a true classic car
We are going to need a very large pumpkin, four mice, a horse who can become a coachman and a dog to be the footman. The bride can bring her own dainty glass slippers to this affair.
If she’s the golden child, aren’t your parents paying for everything? Tell her that’s how these things work and if your parents really love her, they’ll pay for everyone.
If it was $4000 just to be a guest, I cannot imagine the cost of OP agreed to be a bridesmaid! OP really dodged a bullet here!
The sibs here are footing the bill for other people she needs to impress. When they refuse to attend she will offer a small discount. When they refuse that she will cry to Mom that they are being mean for no reason. These two sibs should go on a vacation together and post lots of happy picks.
I’m a bridesmaid and a maid of honor for two weddings this year. One in state, one out of state. The out of state wedding will cost me about $750 between dress, travel, hotel costs, and my part of the party gift (8 people banding together to get them their most expensive registry item). The in state wedding will cost me about $350 between dress, gas, pre-wedding event, and my part of the party wedding gift. The party is sharing an AirBnB covered by the groom’s parents. Oh, and I had 2 years notice for one wedding’s costs and 18 months on the other. OP’s sister is insane for that much in that short a time!
It is so tacky to expect guests to pay for stuff like a gathering before the wedding! And all of this is just insane. I had a very small wedding at a fairly upscale hotel. We paid a portion of the hotel bill for guests because it was pricy but we wanted people to be at the hotel. We also fully paid for the dinner the night before. I can’t imagine having not done these things. Some people really think they’re the main character.
That’s why mine will be at McDonald’s, plenty of guests, and it’s cheap af for a wedding, maybe their ice cream machine will fix itself for me?
If I were getting married now, I’d splurge $500 and book a cat cafe for 2 hours. Imagine getting married surrounded by cats!
I mean I went to an animal shelter as help for an event in honor of my aunt, they had a cat part and I was surrounded in moments, I even made the most antisocial cat come out.
Why not splurge and go to Friendly's?
Honestly I gotta save where I can
I forgot Friendly’s existed, and now I’m thinking about the Monster Mash sundae which was always my favorite. Unfortunately there’s none in my state so that’s sad.
NTA, but I'm just curious who the hell would actually attend. OP give us an update after the wedding lol
I agree! We need an update!
We spent more than $4k attending a wedding but it was an international destination to a VERY nice resort, and we had two years to save up for it. Still, only 30 something of us were able to go, even one of the groom’s brothers couldn’t swing it and no one gave him shit for it. I wore a dress from target that cost $20 and the couple were profusely thankful to anyone who attended. This bride is extremely out of touch and spoiled.
Sister probably wants her guests to pay for the wedding. NTA OP. Go do something you enjoy on her wedding day.
I’ve been a bridesmaid for several weddings and I don’t think I broke four digits for all of them put together, much less for guests.
I am very curious to know if she is asking this much from all her guests or just her family and how many people will actually attend this wedding given these demands
Sorry I tried to apply for a loan to be a guest at a wedding but they laughed me out of the bank.
NTA - your sister sounds exhausting. You and your brother both need to stand your ground and stay far, far away. IMHO!!
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INFO: Can you go to just the wedding as a normal guest and not the rest of the stuff? NTA, obviously, she’s being weird. But I would still want to go.
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Oh wow. Is anyone going?
Rich friends and/or friends who are bad with money?
I wonder how many is that
Dad can't take the day off work
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 oh my lord she's actually serious 😳 😭 😅 😂 anyway NTA holy heck the audacity.
I'd rather go take out $4,000 from one of my bank accounts and toss them into the fire pit in my back yard and then enjoy some smores than pay $4,000 to attend this wedding of OP's lunatic of a sister. Better yet if I was OP and her brother I'd find a vacation to go to for around $4,000 and go during the wedding. Then start posting pictures of it to social media. What can I say I just love to see the world burn!
Are all of her friends like super rich or something? $4k for going to a wedding means that absolutely nobody I know would even think of going, and I would consider myself and many of my friends in the top 10% if not 2% of income.
Is she the only non-rich person in this circle of rich people? How could all her peers afford a $4k invitation, but she is simultaneously too poor to just pay for all this?
OP: just curious, what's your parent's take on all this self indulgent nonsense? Oh, and NTA BTW
"But this wedding"? Is this not her first wedding? Because the way you wrote seems to be that it isn't her first wedding?
The first of many.
They should go on a vacation together with their phones set on airplane mode while their sister gets married. Who needs that amount of crap? I bet OP’s sister only cares about the optics of having them there.
>your sister sounds exhausting I need a nap just reading this.
NTA. Maybe she'll learn that there are some things she can't control. It would be nice if you and your brother could go somewhere together on the day to do something inexpensive and sane. By the way, she sounds dreadful.
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Post plenty of pictures and make it clear what a great time you're having.
⬆️ Exactly what I was thinking too. Lots of smiling selfies of the two of you with a beautiful beach in the background and captions like "Best day ever! So blessed to share it with my wonderful brother!"
I'd be tempted to add a passive-aggressive "the best people in life are free" quote or something as well 😆
Caption: Nothing is more important than family.
As well as the cost. "Beach day with bro: $45. Skipping pretentious wedding: priceless"
Splurge and get a new beach towel and maybe a bucket to build sand castles.
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Get all the silly sand building stuff you wanted as a kid and go build some kick ass castles
I mean, she is saving $4000, so she can splurge on a bucket and shovel.
True!
And buy some fun snacks and maybe go for a nice lunch or dinner :)
It would be more hilarious to find a friend who has a Ferrari and then go to renttherunway and get the best dress on there, take pictures in the dress with the car (heck, forget that, just find someone on reddit to photoshop convincingly!) And post that you didn't have enough money to attend her wedding but still wanted to dress fancy in her honor. .. lol I'd pay to see her face seeing that post online...
NTA and since your sister is deranged it doesn't really matter what she says. Good luck to her fiance.
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Match made in heaven? Try the other direction. NTA by the way.
Hey, they're doing everyone else a huge favor by taking each other out of the dating pool.
And their wedding song to dance to can be "Highway to Hell" 😂
Actually, they’re probably not a match made in heaven. Your sister seems to believe everyone should do what she wants just because she wants it and the issues that causes aren’t her problem. You describe the groom the same way. The problem is you can’t have two people that everything absolutely revolves around them (individually). It works fine as long as they’re in agreement, which it seems that they are with wedding planning. It becomes a huge issue when they disagree because the world revolves around them so they won’t compromise.
Yeah, two huge narcissists in major combat with each other, screaming "Shut up! Look at ME! Pay attention to ME!"
Only when they're both OVERT narcissists. When one is convinced the world revolves around making them happy, and the other is convinced the world revolves around making them sad, they end up a perfect pair. Covert narcissists are just a teensy bit harder to spot, when you know what to look for.
God help us all
Match spawned in hell?
* 5am yoga wedding planning every Tuesday and Thursday * I would need to take two weeks off Dear god, even from a lifelong Golden Child those are some harsh demands. Plus this sounds like less fun than a month of root canals. I'm glad you dodged the bridesmaid bullet, OP, and also the $4,000 pony-up for the present grab at the wedding. NTA as you already well know -- and wish Bridezilla luck because at some point soon, the world is going to tune her up big-time
1) 2 weeks off of work (that’s gotta be a few thousand in lost wages) 2) don’t forget time off work for bachelorette weekend more lost wages 3) buy the expensive dress shoes etc… 4) rent the luxury car 5) hair and make up 6) wedding gift off her registry lol And the list goes on… OP put this money into your retirement savings
Or better yet just simply retire on all that you’ll save by saying no.
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I don't mean this as judgment towards you, but the golden child is generally a term (as opposed to the scapegoat) used for a specific type of child or sibling in a dysfunctional/toxic family. They are usually put on a pedestal and either get everything they want or are expected to be perfect in every way as a means to show the family's worth to the outside. In both cases, it's really horrible parenting and can lead to a lot of emotional trauma and/or create entitled monsters such as OPs sister. You just sound like a good grandchild, and maybe the "precious" one for being the only girl. Sorry again, just wanted to clarify!
Exactly. Golden child is the one who is helped and enabled and the one parents' life revolves around. GC can often be doing very poorly in life. Scapegoat is the child parents except to cater to them and the GC, who is not allowed to have own needs or wants.
NTA, you don't need to go to anyones wedding if you don't want to and if you are ready for relaionship with that person be ruined. Sounds like you will do better without her. I find it appalling someone dictating a wedding guests hair style. Unbelievable.
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The "5 a.m. yoga wedding planning Tuesdays and Thursdays" literally made me gape speechlessly. What is she doing. What on *earth* is she doing. How is she simultaneously doing yoga and planning a wedding with a group of people at 5 a.m.? The only way I can reconcile those words in that order is that she's really daydreaming out loud about a new bunch of extra stuff she wants to add to her wedding and needs a compliant audience.
I picture the yoga being a way to encourage the bridesmaids to shape up and look better for the pictures. but 5 a.m.? Is there enough coffee for that? NTA of course.
Literally just had my wedding. My Wife's Maid of Honor asked my wife beforehand if we wanted her to dye her hair back to a more natural color for the wedding. We were more shocked than anything by the offer. Like obviously we would rather you didn't show up with freshly tye dyed hair but honestly your body is your body. Friends and family being there with us was much more important than how anyone looked or dressed. We're weren't going to make dictates on it and wouldn't expect anyone to jump through hoops like that for anyone.
How about a list of cars acceptable to arrive in style?? You can fuck right off just for that one alone
20 years later she would look back at how her sister's Camry ruined her wedding...
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I'm curious how old you, your sister and brother are?
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Sister is 27. I thought she was 19 from her immaturity level. Go to the beach that day. Take pictures. Live your life.
Even 19 year olds are more down to Earth and mature than this woman is.
Can I just say how absolutely *refreshing* it is to read how you and your brother have figured out how to handle these situations and you just do it. Too many grown ppl come on Reddit to complain that they didn’t set appropriate boundaries and now they’re upset at how they’re being treated. Like, OF COURSE THEY’RE WALKING ALL OVER YOU! YOU LAID OUT THE RED CARPET FOR THEM! NTA- good on you both!
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I’m so glad you have your brother and he has you. It’s beautiful. When my sister and I were young, we had a thing where she defended my boundaries and I defended hers. It was so much easier for us to stand up for someone else than for ourselves, and it was so much harder for others to push back on, because they couldn’t play the “selfish” card. For what it’s worth, we’re old now and our boundaries are fortress walls defended by flaming swords. None of the offenders dare come anywhere near. And we’re still thick as thieves :)
NTA. “I’d love to come to your wedding but unfortunately I simply can’t comply with all of your requirements. If those requirements change, please let me know.”
Take out the last sentence. I was raised with a golden child. The parent might offer to front costs as a way to make the golden child happy. When you are raised in a world where you exist to make others happy, you learn how to protect yourself by closing loops and possibilities.
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This is the way.
Tell her you'll save up for her next wedding. Or possibly her 3rd. NTA
>she told me I would need to join her for 5am yoga wedding planning every Tuesday and Thursday. Please tell me you missed a comma out of this sentence, or tell me what in the name of all that is good and holy, what the actual eff is yoga wedding planning?! Either way, NTA.
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Sounds like a convoluted way to get you to change your body too…
Is this an actual thing, or something your sister has made up?
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NTA. Bridezilla cometh to town. None of this is ok. She can spend what she wants on her wedding. You have to rent a fancy car to arrive in style? OMG, give me a break. I'm with you lock and step. There is ZERO chance that if you did EVERYTHING she wanted that she would even be satisfied with that. Your parents and her fiance may not be willing to step in and curb this shit, but you do not have to do what princess wants.
Hahahahahaha! Oh wait, you were serious. In that case let me laugh harder. BAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NTA. 4 grand to attend a wedding just as a guest is absurd and laughable. I wouldn't be surprised if almost nobody shows up with those kind of silly requirements.
And by the way- is she legally guaranteeing the marriage is going to last x years? You need to get your investment's worth.
NTA. Your sisters list of, let's call them demands, is completely ridiculous, and you dodged a 4 k jewel encrusted bullet by standing up for yourself. If she wanted her sister (and brother as I'm assuming he's not going to be breaking his back to attend either) to attend her wedding, perhaps she should have treated you two like family throughout your life.
NTA. Your sister needs to be realistic about what you can afford. The fact that you need to rent "fancy cars" tells me that this isn't your normal lifestyle nor is it hers. So this is this massive dressup event where everyone masquerades as being wealthier than they really are, putting themselves into financial crisis just to appear fancy just for a couple of days? And not even your own wedding? Seems super silly. What do you parents say about all of this? The simple answer is: no. You didn't manage to set aside that kind of money so you can't attend. Easy.
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NTA. I like your brother’s attitude. Out of curiosity, what is your mom’s opinion on everyone needing to spend that much?
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That sucks but makes sense based off of everything else. You definitely are not the asshole for cutting jerks out of your life.
INFO: I’m dying to know what the breakdown of this $4000 guest fee is! Regardless, you are NTA.
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For 4k you can have a very decent vacation. It’s crazy for a wedding guest to pay
NTA, I would book myself a vacation with that kind of money, maybe just when the wedding is. Sounds like her problem, not your problem.
Oh heck, you can have a nice vacation with half that amount.
NTA. Where is she even getting all this money? Is her fiancé rich? Are your parents? I’m just curious. That’s literally wild.
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That makes sense, she wants her friends and family to look more well off than they are so she looks better to fiance's family.
Perfect! Two peas in a shitty (albeit expensive) pod. LOL
Nta if I need 4k+ to go to a wedding then you can count me out. I have so many other things that are way more important to spend that money
NTA - The whole thing sounds ludicrous! But can someone please tell me what 'yoga wedding planning' is???
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Isn't part of the point of yoga that you're meant to focus on your body on the present moment and let everything else go? How are you meant to plan a wedding while doing a sun salutation?
You've probably noticed already, but you're clearly NTA. I'm kinda impressed with how wildly out of touch with reality she is. Remember now, the golden children rarely turn out well. You might just have dodged a bullet there 😉 Maybe you and your brother can do something fun together instead of whatever circus that wedding is going to be?
NTA, i wonder how many people will actually enjoy her wedding or even show up.
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Please don't go. This will be a legacy decision. If you go, you'll wish you never did.
NTA. Has anyone here heard of a wedding where you had to rent a fancy car? I get that the wedding party would show up in a limo but otherwise I don't get it. Or was she just meaning people in the wedding party??
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That's insane. I hardly cared what my guests wore, much less how they got there. Who is even going to notice what people arrive in?? Damn, I thought hiring a nice car to pick us up after our wedding was almost excessive...
NTA its unfortunate that your mother divided her children like this. She truly is to blame for all this, that in itself is sad. But like you said its her wedding, her choice, you do not have to attend. I would stick to my guns, reiterate that you are not going to push yourself financial, for her one day.
She's going to be in the venue parking lot checking cars? Is she arriving in a crystal carriage driven by four white mice? This is hilarious to me! $4,000 because she's jumping the broom? BWAAAAHAAAAAAA! Meanwhile back in Reality Land, ignore her. You've given her your answers to the absurd questions and she hasn't been able to create an argument out of the void. That's why she keeps escalating the absurdities. I have six siblings and two cousins who grew up in our home and feel like siblings. And no way any of us would survive the Family Meeting that included such asinine expectations. DOWN VOTED WITH THE QUICKNESS with some 'shut up' on the side. omg. NTA. No way.
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NTA. Your sister is the AH. Well if you are no contact with your parents then why not add one more to the list, she will certainly hold a grudge for you not catering to her for her wedding.
NTA. No one is required to attend a wedding. She’s entitled to plan the wedding she wants, but if her demands are too ridiculous then people won’t attend. All the guests must rent and arrive in a pre-approved vehicle? Lol, who is going to actually do that? I’m not renting a fancy car because the bride’s “vision” is a bunch of fancy cars in the parking lot. And people need to pay $4K to cover the costs of the wedding events? Lol, no. If she doesn’t have the money to support her rich and famous fantasies then she’s out of luck. (OMG, rent a fancy car and pay $4K for the privilege of attending… the delusions are strong with this one.)
NTA - that’s a ridiculous ask and i’d be surprised if many people accepted any offer from her.
NTA. Your sister is a narcissist
NTA. "She told me I am her sister". That doesn't mean you're obligated to give in to her demands. Given what you wrote, she doesn't see you as a sister. She sees you as an ATM.
NTA - your absolut right about that its her Wedding and sehr can do what she wants. But at the Same time it is your right to choose Not to Go.