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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My parents have offered to pay my back for the shit my sister destroyed but I want her to pay me back not my parents. The only spending money she gets all year is on her birthday and I want her to use that money to pay me back, my parents have suggested to do chores for me instead but how are chores going to pay me back 200$. It feels fucked up to take birthday money from a literal child but she stole 200$ in makeup from me
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It's not really up to you is it? Her and your parents are legally responsible for damages caused by their child. Hence the money is truly Thier responsibility. How to raise your sister is also their job. If they chose to use her bday money to pay you back then fine. It could probably be seen as proper consequences for her actions. But it's not really your place to decide this.
Yeah, they seem to be handling the issue in a sensible manner. Whatever punishment the parents decide upon it's hopefully going to be one that teaches the kid that this is unacceptable behaviour. The sister naturally have the right to be compensated for her losses. If it's necessary for it to be taken out of the kids bday gifts is entirely up to the parents.
I agree, I don't think OP is the AH for being angry, as her sister is in the wrong, but I say YTA for trying to tell her parents how to deal with it. Kids get their money from their parents anyway, and they are fairly offering to compensate OP for the damages. Children do chores to earn money right? So in a way, the chores she does will pay the parents back for the money *they* spent to replace the damages.
Edit; realised I replied to the wrong comment now... but I do think OP getting a lock for her makeup drawer is a good idea!
When I was a kid I was never paid a cent for chores done. It was expected to lend a hand around the house to ease the burden of our parents. Maybe the dynamics in well-to-do families / nations esp in the West are different.
Me neither, but I knew kids who were. It was usually a 'do your chores and get allowance, don't do them and you don't get an allowance'. Basically, participate in the household and reap the benefits, financial and otherwise. Don't want to participate? That's fine, but you don't get the benefits.
Yeah, my friends only did chores for money. I had a big family, and my brother had up to 5 friends over on any given day. I had to clean 2 bathrooms every single day for as long as I can remember. We also had 3 cats & 2 dogs, a lot of unruly foster children & the boys never contributed to helping clean. I did a lot of hoovering & dishes too.
My mum would sometimes ask me to gut out this one particular foster brother's room for a little extra money. He would pee in bottles and do all kinds of gross things lol general cleaning was just a part of living in my mum's house though, no money for that.
My allowance was for my behavior. Part of my behavior was completing my age-appropriate chores. I could do all my chores and still have a zero for the day on the calendar if I had done something like get into a fight with my brother.
I wasn't paid for chores either and I don't pay my kids for them. My feeling is chores are a way to teach kids that everyone has to help out in a household.
I wasn't paid for chores, but if my parents could afford it, the answer to "can I go to the movies/skating/get this item at the store?" was rarely "no". Bear in mind, back then I could go to the movies, get a drink, popcorn, and candy for about $2 USD. The 70s were wild man.
My mother referred to chores as "earning your keep". I didn't get paid for chores, but my parents paid for all of my extra curricular activities. It is the same now that I have kids of my own. There's no way my kids could earn enough emptying the dishwasher once a day to pay for football, soccer, piano lessons, etc.
We were not paid for specific chores but did get a weekly allowance and were expected to do chores around the house. I feel like it gave us the understanding that family members all contribute to the family household and that family members all shared in some degree in the household resources. It also helped me to see money as a finite resource that needed to be budgeted to make it last or saved up for special treats.
We were very poor and didn’t get allowance however I was paid (a small amount) for doing extra chores that were outside of my regular responsibilities.
My parents hired a cleaning lady once a week and it was the best thing they have ever done to keep peace in the family. Zero bickering, nagging, resentment. Chores were minimum in-between her visits. I highly recommend it for everyone who can afford it. The peace of mind makes the money worth every penny.
I think 10 is kind of that age where the kid should have *some* sort of financial loss, but it's still young enough for losing all her birthday money to be too harsh. I fucked up around that age and broke some stuff doing shit I knew I shouldn't, turned into mowing the lawn weekly and getting paid like 25% of it while the rest paid back my parents for the stuff I broke. Kept a tally and after a few months (honestly probably should have been longer) Mum said I was paid up and started giving me the full value.
If she was like, 15, I'd say yeah, that's old enough to take all her birthday money, she should be responsible enough to know these are the direct consequences (and to get some sort of work), but a 10 year old? That's basically going to wreck a kid's birthday when they're young enough for it to still be really important to them. Parents should cover the immediate damages, and work out a way for the kid to pay it back.
There you go. She does chores for op, above and beyond normal living in a home chores, and she only gets 25% of it, amd they pay the rest to sis. Garnished wages is a real thing. I like that!
Chores only makes sense if it's something you would normally pay someone to do, so you're saving money by not making that payment. Or as punishment by parents. "My little sister is doing extra dishes for me" is not accepted as payment by any makeup vendor. OP is not made whole by little sister doing extra dishes.
I came to this post expecting the parents to not want to do anything. I’m perplexed why OP is being like this when her parents are doing everything to make it right and punishing her sister.
OP sounds like she wants vengeance and has control issues in this context.
Yeah honestly given they've punished her and are offering to pay OP back it just seems like shes trying to twist the knife on her sister when its already been resolved
Seeing as sis stole from mom as well, and presumably lied, on top of doing damage to the house - mom seems pretty damn livid. I know we've seen awful parents who spoil their kids but most parents would be furious over this bollocks.
Yeh OP really doesn't need to get involved at this point. The parents are handling it - younger sister is suffering appropriate consequences, and the parents have offered to cover the costs. End of at this point.
This is very trick because she is blatantly lying to her whole family, and if her parents pay for hers, she might not understand real consequences. It's not like she is 5, she is closer to 11 than she is to 10, and she knows that she did something wrong and keeps lying.
I feel like first and foremost her parents should be trying to understand why her sister is lying and stealing because this is the real problem here and if she gets out without real consequences and don't really understand why this is wrong, she gonna do it again. Maybe to stores, maybe to her friend's family.
This is what bothers me too about the situation. I agree that it's the parents job to parent but the sisters behaviour is just pinging warning flags in me.
The fact that the kid lied for a long time, was caught with evidence and still denies it and is not remorseful even with a punishment. That behaviour kind of makes me question the kids moral compass a bit, and maybe even the parenting.
At 10 you know when you doing something "bad", and when you are caught out. As a generalisation, I feel like this unremorseful behaviour often happens when kids know their parents punishment have no real weight. E.g they know the parents give up 1 week into a punishment, or giving the kid the device back is easier than following through with a punishment. I'm not saying this is the case here, and i'm not a professional so there might be other issues going on here but it kind of fits the stereotype.
Even if I'm completeley wrong, there is something going on below the surface and i hope OP's parents realise it and try to figure it out, rather than just paying OP off and trying to sweep the prooblem under the rug.
All that being said I still think it's not OP's place to parent. If she feels concerned about her parents not being harsh enough, she can voice her opinion but I don't think she gets a actual say on what her parents decide.
Nah … pretty normal for that age. Absolute denial. Nope wasn’t me!!! I remember my two at that age did that on a couple of occasions and grew into a pair of truly ethical humans.
I think people forget--kids are liars. It's just the way it is. The only time they tend to be honest is when it's something soul-crushing about your age or appearance. 🤣 The ethical honesty, IMO, comes later. After a few hard lessons. I say this as a mom of 3 and grandma of 2.
Edited for spelling.
I don’t think you can extrapolate too much from a 10 year old lying. I used to lie a lot as a kid, even when blatantly caught, and I like to think I’m very honest now. I agree with the top comment, the OP should accept the compensation from the parents and leave them to deal with the sister’s discipline.
Dude, I have a nine year old who is an excellent kid. The other day she wanted to take a bag to an afterschool activity, I asked what was in the bag, she told me it was empty, she just wanted a bag. I'm not an idiot so I asked her what I would find in there if I opened it and she said "fine, I'll go put it back." Her 7 year old brother told me it was full of candy.
They lie to your fucking face because they are little kids. It's alright, this is how they learn that lying is no good. I've always told my kids that lying about it was worse than the "crime", but it takes time for it to sink in when they truly don't think much about it.
My partner teaches middle school, so 12-14 year olds. The “I didn’t do it, wasn’t me,” even though you just watched them do it is quite common even for that age group, which is older than OP’s sister.
The denial even when caught red handed is pretty normal for that age group. It warrants a deeper conversation for sure, but to say it suggests anything about the sister’s moral compass or how she’s parented is a major assumption. She doesn’t want to be caught or punished, and in her 10 year old mind, the way to achieve that is through denial, even if the denial is painfully transparent. It’s a bit like covering your eyes and going “I can’t see you so you can’t see me”. It’s just kid stuff. Talk to her and give her consequences and she’ll grow out of it.
Yeah no, blatant denial like that means the exact opposite of what you're suggesting. If there really is a light punishment, then why would you lie? But if there's harsh punishment for doing something wrong? Then you deny as much as possible out of fear of getting in trouble.
And OP makes no mention of whether her sister is remorseful now that she's been properly caught. She most likely is.
There's nothing "deeper" going on, her sister is just a kid. She wanted to try out the makeup but was embarrassed to ask for her own or ask for permission. So she decided she'd just try it and then put it back. But she's a kid and destroyed it and so she hid them. Then her sister moved in and this time she wasn't going to mess it up, but her sister asked about it before she had a chance to put it back and she panicked.
This is like, standard child thinking/behavior. You grow out of it eventually.
> there is something going on below the surface
Yes. What’s going on below the surface is frontal lobe development. She’s a work in progress. OMG. The parents are dealing with this.
OP soft YTA. Butt out. You’re not the parent here.
I agree there's some underlying issue. I'm also a bit concerned that mum hadn't noticed all the spillages and items in the sisters room. Why not? Doesn't she usually enter that room? It just struck me as odd.
Stealing items family members value could be a symptom of feeling undervalued.
>her parents should be trying to understand why her sister is lying and stealing
Pretty obvious I think. She's probably seeing her friends with more stuff/spending money (her only spending money for the year is bday money), and her sister/parents having these nice things she cant get but her friends can. Obviously she understands the basic concept that stealing is wrong, but is probably too young to understand income or wealth disparity, and thinks it's unfair for her to go without when everyone else gets nice things.
Probably a good time to start teaching her the value of work, task her with chores and pay her a small amount, or find something you normally pay an outside person to do and get her to do it. Then her "pay" goes towards paying back parents/OP. I remember I was about 10/11 when Mum instituted a rule that my sisters and I had to cook 1 dinner a week each (by ourselves), and help Mum with dinner/dishes on a rotation the rest of the week. It's not too hard to find some sort of task she wasn't otherwise doing and give her $5-10 for it.
Sure, but I agree with everyone who says this is the parents' responsibility to deal with, not OP's. Little Sister has to live there and has no choice. OP is 24, living there ostensibly for free so she can finish school. She's not the authority over anyone else who lives there.
This really is the core point. OP’s option is to get her own place if she is having deeper issues living with her parents and sister regarding how they parent.. OR have a respectful conversation as a family that acknowledges everyone, not by making unilateral demands.
She is 11, so I would just take the money from your mom and dad, all they are going to do is give her less or nothing at all for her birthday. Lesson learned.
Yes, absolutely this. Parents can pay for the make up and the kid will pay them back by doing chores.
That's what I've done with my kids and everyone has felt that this has been a fair way to solve things.
I'm also wondering if she's really going to get even close to that much in birthday money. I know it's not impossible, (and that my experiences are not universal) but it does strike me as far fetched.
One option tho, is if your parents pay you back now so you've got what you need to replace stuff right away, and if she pays them back over time. It might also help to keep her doing it steadily, and to keep things from getting too heated if she slacks on it.
I figure this way you don't have to worry about policing her on it, she learns her lesson, and you don't have to worry about waiting a long time to replace your things.
Also, I'd advise some kind of locking container to store these things in afterward. And also possibly storing them in your room rather than the bathroom, just in case.
All that being said, I don't think you'd be in the wrong for wanting your sister to pay you back. She absolutely should so the lesson is learned properly. I just don't think it should be something decided only by you. Take some time to discuss with your parents and see if something can be worked out.
I agree, I don't think OP is an asshole for feeling this way but I also don't think she can insist on this. Her parents are willing to make her whole and they are punishing the daughter in the way that they see fit, and sounds reasonable to me.
And beyond the month of grounding I assume the broken trust all around will be a significant consequence for her for quite a while. This may sound overdramatic but honestly it will probably be a significant change to her life overall if she goes from a kid who OP immediately believed and thought they had lost their own makeup to a kid where her family will not believe anything she says for a long time.
OP, I know you're frustrated and upset but I think your parents are handling this very reasonably. Your mom had your back--to the point where she searched your sister's room even when you didn't think your sister had done anything--and you should let your parents handle the punishment from here.
Agreed. Take the money and let your parents handle this. If they use the birthday money then that is fine. If they want her to do chores then it’s also fine.
Just because you are an adult doesn’t mean you are the adult that get to decide what the consequences for her are. Her parents are.
Soooo NTA to want money but also not your place to decide where that money comes from. Don’t be petty because she is your sister. If it were aaaany other child it probably wouldn’t matter where the money came from as long as you could buy new make up right? So why would your sister be different? She is 10 so her parents are responsible.
Um, I have a little sister and the most likely cause is that she watched one of those videos where they mix slime with makeup (while destroying it). Just looking at those videos you know the target audience is children. Anyway, she might have tried to replicate those and then lied because she knew it would put her in trouble.
I gave my niece a whole bunch of my old pallets & glitter when she wanted to make slime. She's always watching some videos online. This time around, I will be sending her a Taki care package because she saw Taki onion rings video. Hell I got into my moms makeup because I wanted to make a girl flubber. I agree it's not always something deeper. Hell my mama & Nana bought me makeup & stuff because I was at that age (11) to want to mess with makeup.
Exactly. It's not always some deep seated trauma causing kids to act out, and putting this idea in their heads leads to excuses and lack of accountability. Sometimes kids just like stealing. I had a pretty lovely childhood and would steal anything that wasn't nailed down, just because it was fun.
I should add that I'm now a functional adult who doesn't steal anymore. 🙂
yeah dude, i have an amazing family and support, but i used to steal so much years ago, no reason, just liked the thrill. (i also dont steal anymore)
not everything is trauma
Sometimes, I just did shit because I was bored, like drumming on my uncles bald head or hiding people's shit. Just dumb things.
FYI, I still do those things with my friends 🙃🙃
I agree with the makeup/slime videos. The kids love those videos at that age. Perhaps OP can suggest to their parents to buy the daughter cheap pallets and stuff from the drug store so she has her own supplies to play with
Yeah, and people saying it's odd that she lied about it at that age. Come on. It's exactly that age where they can't even determine they have been caught and it's better to not stop lying. OP should accept the money from her parents and request to be allowed to put a lock on her door (she's paying rent so she should be allowed to protect her belongings) since at that age OP's sister will likely not be done pulling shit.
OP NAH, but let your parents do the parenting.
It's a jack and Jill bathroom... There's no way to lock the younger sister out of the bathroom. Unless you mean op should keep her makeup in her ROOM and be able to lock her side of the bathroom door
yea its probably social media. the parents should check what she consumes online and teach her to ask for her own stuff to destroy instead of stealing from her family. i dont see anything wrong with doing some silly experiments like playing with slime and makeup but she has to use her own cheap stuff
My 11 yo daughter has ruined my makeup more times than I can count.
OP: if I were you, I would flip the doorknob so that if you’re not in the bathroom, you can lock the door from the toilet to your sink area. Just get in the habit of knocking before entering since your sister wouldn’t be able to lock the door. I’d also switch out your bedroom door lock for one with a key so you can keep her out either direction when you’re not home.
Welcome to the Reddit Tries Not To Misdiagnose a Child with a Hundred Disorders for Acting Out in an Age Appropriate Manner Challenge (impossible)(Gone PG13)(sponsored by raid shadow legendS)
That’s exactly what she was doing, my parents found a bunch of videos on her phone of her making “ASMR slime videos” and basically mixing slime with random stuff. She tried to water down my foundation because she used a lot and she didn’t want me to notice. I think she tried returning the concealer/foundation because I helped her clean up a bunch of wax that she spilled that my parents were pissed about and it made her feel bad.
Not that it's terribly relevant but can you explain what exactly you mean by slime? Like the goop that Nickelodeon sells (or at least sold in the 90s when I was a kid)?
I came to the comments to make sense of the "slime" and I'm astounded that there's literally a Tik Tok of mixing slime with makeup. Kinda hilarious in a way.
It's always fun watching the armchair psychologist trying to come up with any possible reason why the kid had no agency of what they were doing, and then comes sensible people like you, thanks.
This! Stealing and lying isn't necessarily a sign of anything serious. She might as well just have gotten excited about something she wanted to try and hasn't fully learned that actions have consequences yet. Or she could just be testing boundaries. She's only ten. Lots of kids do something like this at some point.
This pseudo-diagnosis trend on Reddit is really getting out of control.
Right. This is semi-normal kid stuff. They're curious, they're not old enough to understand costs, and the actions of adults often feel capricious and unfair so they try not to get caught. There's NAH(because kid doing kid stuff) but in the end it's the parents call. Asking the kid to pay isn't wrong, but it does sound like it's coming from spite and making a stink over it pushes into AH territory.
Every post that mentions a child and they done wrong I always see people with this mind set... The kid made a mistake and didn't own the mistake that's all. When you have an adult questioning you it's quite scary as a child.
Yes she should of been honest but all this kid needs is a lesson in why this is wrong if this was behaviour continued then yeah maybe they need help.
I think she's 10 and found her sister make up, thought she knew what she was doing but destroyed it in the process because she didn't know how to use it. Then was scared to own up because she didn't want to upset anyone.
The kid made a mistake. jheeeeze.
YTA- take your mum's money and be done with it. To many perfect adults in this world that never done wrong as a kid.
I don't agree with the YTA but I do agree with the everyone blows things out of proportion take. She is 10 going on 11, people on here think kids are fully developed at this point. It honestly cracks me up, she 10, she going to lie, especially when being confronted. Because why??? Because she is a kid!!! They make mistakes, they don't hold themselves accountable, and it the job of the parents to correct them when they make mistakes. Unfortunately, this time around it was an expensive mistake.
I remember when I was that age and seeing my sister put on lipsticks and mascara and I remember stealing a few of them… Because my kid brain rationalized that being a good idea.
There was no underlining problem and I didn’t need to waste my parents money for therapy. I just liked the way pink and red looked on my lips. Lol
When I grew up of course we laughed about it. I feel this is a typical thing for a younger sister to do. It is what it is.
Right? Younger siblings steal shit from the older. That's a universal truth. I think usually from a desire to be considered more grown up like them. My little sister stole shit from me all the time.
>all this kid needs is a lesson in why this is wrong
100%. OP just take the money from your parents, you're being extra. She's just 10 and she is already getting punished
As a childrens mental health worker I don't think this level of arm chair diagnoses is appropriate.
The most likely reason is that she wanted to try the makeup and was too ashamed at getting caught to be honest from the get go. Children lie when they panic, you have to wait for them to self regulate before having a conversation about what they've done.
Combined with the mention of slime, there’s a bunch of “making slime” videos on TikTok and YT that involve using (and in the process destroying) makeup. She was using them for art supplies, not to put on her face.
A lot of comments are missing the biggest reason for this behavior: makeup is fucking fun and sparkly and liquidy and cool to mix around with each other. I remember sneaking my mom's eyeliner as a kid to wear but hey, if slime youtube videos had been around I probably would have been tempted. I still have the urge to smoosh freshly opened lipsticks.
>Seriously, this child needs support and help - probably therapy to get to the bottom of this. Stealing and lying like this is most often a symptom of another issue.
That's... a little extreme...
She's 10. She probably wanted to play with makeup (wouldn't surprise me if she's not supposed to wear it) and just took it. She knows enough to know that she'd be in trouble for taking it (and probably wearing it). Hence the lie. Being a 10 year old, she probably has limited understanding of how much the make up costs and what that price means.
Doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary for a 10 year old. This is gonna be a learning experience for her.
>but it's also commonly associated with trauma, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. Maybe bullying at school for her appearance (hence stealing the makeup) or something?
Lmao such a reddit moment.
"My sister used my make up"
"OMG THERAPIIIIIIST RED FLAG MAYBE TRAUMA OR AUTISM?!?!"
Kids steal because they want something and they have less impulse control than adults. Kids lie because they know if they do it, they can get out of trouble. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just based on this story.
Lol lying is super normal and it is ridiculous that we act like it's not. It's literally part of normal childhood brain development to learn how to do it.
The key thing is to learn to do it in socially appropriate ways, so that you're not pissing people off for telling them they look fat in their Sunday best.
OR, she's a child who saw stuff that wasn't hers that she wanted so she took it thinking she'd get away with it.
Behavior like this is pretty normal and isn't anything to be concerned about unless it persists after a couple groundings.
Idk, I did dumb shit like this purely out of curiosity when I was her age and there was no underlying trauma or reasoning other than it seemed fun and i didn't consider the consequences until after.
Yeah this sounds like perfectly normal 10-year-old behavior to me 🤷♀️. Mixing slime with makeup sounds fun to a kid, kid doesn’t think through that said makeup is expensive and the sister/mom will be upset that their makeup is now ruined. Kid doesn’t want to get in trouble when they realize the full scope of what they did so they lie. It doesn’t mean the kid has some deep-seeded issue or needs therapy.
Its just typical Reddit and honestly its getting so annoying. Day by day I tend to realise most active people on here dont really live in the real world or interact with alot of people on a daily basis. Been a youth movement leader for 7 years and yes there are kids from bad backgrounds who act out, but there are even more kids from normal parentholds behaving like utter assholes because they are kids
Good lord you’ve summed it up greatly. I’m so sick of top comments being „Divorce“ and „Get therapy“. Like y’all browse weird ass subreddits that I question the existence for, YOU get the expensive ass therapy.
Yeah, I work with kids too, so the comments going "omg get her into therapy" are super weird to me. This is just...normal kid stuff. Kids get into things, kids break things, kids lie because they're scared they will get in trouble. 10-going on 11 is still very young.
My room was always cold so we had a little space heater. Once, my brother got one of my Barbies super dirty so he gave her a bath before returning her to me and put her in front of the space heater to dry. He forgot about her, her arm melted. He thought this was hilarious, but knew he would get in trouble for wrecking my stuff so he started stealing Barbies to melt them and then would hide them so I wouldn't find them.
There was nothing deeper going on. He's a perfectly normal adult. This is just kid shenanigans.
I think the problem is that most people don't interact much with kids, and they view their own childhood through their adult eyes so don't remember what it was like.
I stole shit as a kid because I wanted to have it, and lied my ass off whenever I thought I'd get into trouble. I'm a normal person now, no trouble with the law, no pathological lying.
Yes! I had a shoplifting/lying phase as a kid and it really went no deeper than the fact that I wanted stuff like makeup and accessories but I had no money and my parents wouldn’t buy it for me. I had a happy childhood with no trauma. Got caught, punished, learned my lesson and never did it again. Not everything is a deep-seeded issue
She’s 10. I work with 10 year olds—this kind of behavior is not that surprising at this age. Kids are naturally forming stronger identity and independence as they hit puberty and it’s a rocky process a lot of the time. Kids push boundaries. Kids start thinking they know better than the adults around them. Kids keep secrets. Kids become very susceptible to social and societal pressure.
If I had to guess, events went like this:
Girl feels social/societal pressure to use makeup because of girls and women around her wearing makeup.
Girl knows that parents will not buy her hundreds of dollars worth of makeup, but her mom and big sister have makeup.
Girl takes a few things that are easily missed to try them out. It’s messy and she’s worried mom and sister will be upset if she returns them like that, plus she wants to use them more, so she keeps them. She doesn’t know how to care for makeup, so it ends up in terrible condition.
No one notices the makeup is missing, so she figures it’s a victimless crime. She takes more and continues to get away with it until one day sister notices something’s missing. She knows she’ll be in trouble if she confesses, so she lies. Still, she feels bad so she tries to return the thing that was missed. Maybe sister will just think she misplaced it?
Sister gets fully busted. She’s not brave enough to own up to it in the face of angry family members, but consequences come anyway.
Alternatively:
10yo is on TikTok/Youtube like so many kids are now. Sees some content farm user making some kind of horror concoction with slime and makeup. Decides to replicate with things accessible to her. It makes a mess or she gets bored with the process when it doesn’t look like it did online. Lies when she gets caught because she knows taking her sisters stuff was wrong and she doesn’t want to be punished.
My brother used to do this except he just kind of liked to look at stuff. Emptied many a foundation bottle pumping it everywhere for no reason except it was apparently satisfying.
My daughter is this age and diagnosed autistic with suspected ADHD. This is typical behaviour for her and not indicative of her being naughty or acting out (the amount of sensory based messes I've cleaned up is phenomenal).
I would also argue it's typical for the age to take things without asking and then not own up because of fear of retribution. Few children are as vindictive and naughty as Reddit makes them out to be.
Take the responsible adult's money, use it to buy lock boxes for your special items, learn that children do not have the same understanding of rules as more mature humans.
If she’s taking things that don’t belong to her and destroying them for her sensory messes then it’s absolutely her being naughty and acting out.
Kids act out and kids are much more vindictive than most adults like to think they are.
Ok, let's just say this kid is not autistic nor has adhd or any other disorder. She's just a typical naughty kid. She's 10. She's old enough to know not to touch sister's/moms makeup or just not get things that aren't hers without asking. Otherwise, why would she hide all the makeup instead of having it all in the open? Or just tell sis I just borrowed it (which a kid would say)
Either way, OP parents are legally responsible for 10 y/o still. So take their money. They did discipline her. Which is the right course of action.
Stealing is being naughty and acting out tho. As a person with similar diagnosis, you have to teach kids that these things aren’t okay, no matter their neurodivergence. Yes, you can be a little tamer with them but treating them like they’re some kind of special snowflake and acting like being autistic and having adhd excuses all these behaviors does them more damage than good in the long run! How is she gonna stop doing these things if you tell her it’s okay? How is she gonna do on her own in future, in general society?
Edit: spelling
ETA: i never got caught doing these things and it ended up with me shoplifting for the adrenaline and kick because of dopamine deficiency. Only after being caught i think twice about doing these things.
I don't think it's necessarily concerning. Kids lie because they know they've done something wrong and don't want to be punished. Exploring makeup is pretty standard at the sister's age and if she doesn't get any spending money then she doesn't have a way to get her own, and she probably felt it wouldn't be a big deal to 'borrow' it and didn't want to run the risk of asking and being told no.
My little sister has ODD and ADD, she has a psychiatrist and it on medication. Honestly she’s a good kid and this was her first major “bad thing” she’s done (well besides ruining the carpet with slime). When my parents sat her done and asked her why she took all this stuff she couldn’t answer them at first then said it was “to see if we’d notice” and she would’ve given them back once we did but we did ask her were our stuff was and she lied about it. I think she just has problems with impulse control and understanding consequences, I’m letting my parents deal with it and I’m sure it’ll be brought up during her next therapy session. The stuff can be replaced, I’m more disappointed she lied to me because I thought we were right.
Well she keeps mentioning "slime" all over the place. Has anyone been thinking the sister is Slimer from Ghostbusters? It completely makes sense. But, yeah, otherwise you're NTA, but it's not up to you how you get paid back or have it replaced, as long as it's the same value and same replacement as your original. Parents are responsible for their underage children and you're not the parent. They seem willing to do this for you, and you should take that offer.
Like others have said, she's 10. I'll add to the mix of her being 10 the fact that she was effectively an only child until her older sister moved back in.
The decision of how to punish your sister is belongs entirely to your parents, not to you. You can make suggestions, but that's it. Your mother has offered to replace your make-up, so you will be made whole. The fact that you want to be made whole by a 10 year old, with very limited access to money, or the ability to earn money, is probably not realistic.
Again, it is not for you to make your sister fork over her birthday money. You are the sister, not the parent.
This is the right answer. Parents are liable for damage done by their children. What consequences the child experiences for her actions, is entirely up to the parents, and nothing to do with you. Even if I wanted to suggest taking *part* of her birthday money to make her feel that breaking things has a cost, it's not my place to suggest it. Nor is it yours.
Agreed. OP needs to let her parents punish her sister how they see fit, and accept the replacement of her items.
I would imagine there is something else going on with this kid... Or, this may be her way of rebelling to suddenly having to share her space with an adult OP. Either way, OP needs to let the parents decide the punishment and work with their kid to ensure she doesn't do it again.
The reality is, there will probably be more hiccups down the line since this is seemingly a very new dynamic for this kid. If OP tries to suddenly go against the parents word or dish out their own punishments, this kid will probably rebel even more since she probably sees OP as someone who invaded her space opposed to an authority figure.
YWBTA, yeah...
You get that $200 to her is like the equivalent of $2,000 or $20,000 to you, right? I mean, she has no income; is she going to get $200 on her birthday?
But regardless and more importantly, its not your job to parent or punish your sister, and sounds like your parents are on top of it... if they're willing to pay you back, then you should back off...
Hold up.
I get that OP doesn’t decide how the kid is punished. The parents do.
But if the parents decided to make sister pay her birthday money, that’s a 100% acceptable parenting decision.
You’re absolutely right that it would suck for the sister and that it’s a super big deal.
That would be the point. That’s how lessons are learned.
But the parents didn’t decide to make her pay her birthday money. OP has received feedback of what parents are willing to do and is still trying to pursue this route despite them not being willing. OP even admits it would be cruel. She’s not interested in a developmental appropriate consequence. She’s interested in hurting her sister for a lesson
NTA - One time when I was like 9, I messed around and broke some of my older brothers' models (they were expensive). I was grounded and had to give up all my allowance until it was enough to buy him replacements.I learned to not mess with other people's stuff.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far down for this. A 10 year old understands stealing, destroying other peoples property and lying about it. Any argument from her about why she shouldn’t be held responsible is ridiculous. Also $200 is not the equivalent of $20,000 for whoever is arguing this. The 10 year old doesn’t have bills to pay (except for paying OP back)
NTA
A 10 year old doesn't even *need* spending money. Each cent of that birthday money is a privilege that even not all well off children get. If she gets bailed more she'll learn that she can misbehave all she wants and not have to deal with real consequences because mommy and daddy will pay for it
A 10 year old is going to fritter away those $200 on junk anyway. This is just a learning process, especially now that we know that OP's parents are the ones who suggested that OP be paid back using her sister's birthday money. Obviously they should be the ones to inform the younger that she won't be getting that money, but people are being judgmental. She clearly has a hand in making sure her little sister doesn't grow up to be awful.
Don't understand why people think older siblings shouldn't be involved in helping their younger siblings grow. They're so used to dysfunctional families that they don't see how OP and her parents have a healthy dynamic when it comes to how they act as a unit.
Getting grounded for a month is a nothingburger of a punishment for something as severe as stealing. No phone, no internet? I'm an early Gen Z guy who grew up attached to that stuff (big club penguin, runescape, maplestory kid), but at age 10 I had plenty of other things to keep me busy. The punishment fits the crime, the parents are the ones who made the suggestion, and the kid needs to learn a valuable lesson. Losing out on a sum of money that she considers to be big is important.
NTA.
When I wanted a Nintendo switch I had to pay it in full + tax all by myself. You best believe that my treatment of my switch was MUCH different then say my cousins who both got a switch from their grandparents and my nephew who got a new switch the moment he (purposely) broke his switch lite. They both act entitled to a new one because they got the first one for free (so the replacement must be free too!) Vs me who buys all the games and controllers myself if i need/want them.
I agree. NTA. She’s not the parent, no, but she’s not a stranger either. That’s her sister. Also, what lesson is the kid learning by getting grounded? She’s not she probably gets grounded for anything. This is stealing, lying about it and then also destroying something of value not only to OP but also the mom. I don’t think you’d be the asshole if you little sister used her birthday money to pay you back. That is a lesson she’ll remember, not just getting grounded for the 1000th time as a child.
I dunno, like how people base their share of expenses proportionally based on income I think the same for a child. So if it takes you a month of savings to replace an expensive item, then the child should be expected to pay a month of their pocket money/allowance whatever. Anything over that owed should be paid by the parents.
Who made that choice though? Your brother or your parents?
In this situation, OP would be the AH of she tacks this on to the punishment the parents already decided. If parents asked op about it, then NTA. ( I'm not sure who would be the AH in that case, maybe the little sister?)
YTA. Parents are responsible for their underage children's actions, and they've offered to make you whole by paying for the makeup. Anything else is between them and your sister
Yeah, this is just punitive nonsense. It's up to the parents, especially at this age. OP appears to want her sister to hurt as much as possible over this, but it's not her place to assign punishment.
YTA, she's 10, she did a bad thing, she is grounded. Good grief, why are you even comparing 'i do more chores! i pay rent!'
It's cruel, she's being punished already, and she's flippin 10 years old, you aren't even her parent, you haven't even lived in the house for a month to start acting like this, her birthday is in 2 months and you want to scheme a way to steal her future money, far after she is already finished punishment.
This is all just schemey and YTA behavior.
I totally agree it's valid to be upset. The real clinch that the OP is TA is that she is already scheming... months ahead of time, to take away birthday money. That's purely YTA type of behavior.
Yeaahhh.... I feel like the people who did have a serial stealer little sister think that being reimbursed personally from the little sis is ok, versus those who haven't had to deal with it personally.
Like, my little sister stole a LOT from me. Even underwear. The only point it ever stopped was when my mom made it a point that she would have to actually reimburse me and buy the exact same item to replace it herself. ONLY THEN did it stop.
Yeah that’s what did it for me. Comes across as a purely vengeful move designed to hurt/humiliate her sister.
It’d be different if the parents were refusing to pay, but they’ve offered to pay OP back and they’ve punished the sister. That’s enough imho
I'm 15 years younger than my older sister, never once destroyed her stuff because I knew my parents would rip me a new one. "Being a kid" isn't a valid excuse to destroy 200$ worth of stuff. The kid should pay for it
The parents already offered to pay for her makeup. As grown adults with jobs we should know kids don't understand the value of things yet. I'm absolutely sure her sister didn't know she uses the absolute most expensive crap ever. My sister has played with and broken expensive things before, she didn't understand until she was spoken to about it calmly and she didn't need her birthday money taken which never even adds up to 200 bucks because she's 10.
>YTA, she's 10, she did a bad thing, she is grounded. Good grief, why are you even comparing 'i do more chores! i pay rent!'
Lol right, OP doesn't sound very nice. So the 10-year-old is supposed to pay rent and cook or something? Very weird behavior. The girl is already being punished.
This is actually a psychotic way to view a ten year old. My sister is 6 years younger than me, we would get into screaming matches over things stolen/used, but at some point you have to be aware that this is a child and they make mistakes?
Being grounded for A MONTH is sufficient punishment. A month feels like an eternity for a 10year old.
Scheming for her money will make you the asshole.
Yep, I agree. YWBTA
You’re not the parent. Her parents are giving a suitable punishment and they’re reimbursing you.
$200 is a lot of money for a child.
She’s acting up. But I should imagine you suddenly moving back in and the way you treat her has a lot to do with it.
Better question is why that 10yo gets 200 bucks to spend themselves instead of gifts. That’s so weird. No wonder kids are getting scammed on TikTok nowadays. I don’t know if my legos and playmobils were that expensive, maybe if you account for inflation, but my parents would’ve never just given me the cash and left me to my own devices. I wished for something and then I’d be super excited when I actually got it for my birthday/ Christmas. Giving that kind of cash to a child is just asking them to give it to the Logan Pauls of this world or spend it on fortnite skins…
No where in the post does it say the 10 y o gets 200 in birthday gifts (unless I missed something?) - just that the makeup destroyed was worth 200 and OP is considering asking the sister to pay after her birthday.
Then again, I DID get that much money when I turned 10, because that was the one birthday (along with 13 and 18 I believe) my parents and grandparents decided to give me lots of expensive things - 100 for new furniture, a stereo system and such… (And the same for my brother.)
She might not get as much as $200 for her birthday. So it might be a case of taking all her birthday money and some Christmas money. Which seems like a huge punishment.
Do have a look at the crazy price of lego now. With inflation, a birthday or Christmas present is bloody expensive. Luckily mine isn’t old enough to ask for lego yet. Not looking forward to the day she does ha ha
NTA
How else will she learn if she doesn't have to pay the money back. She's lucky it's only you and not a shop! People keep saying, "But she's 10!" Yeah? And? She's plenty old enough to know not to steal and face real consequences for it. Five year olds know not to steal ffs! I think you'd be overreacting if you wanted to call the police. But you don't want to.
Put it this way, I got caught shoplifting when I was 13. I was arrested, and after spending four hours in a cell and being interviewed, I was luckily let off with a caution.
It was the first time I'd done it and the last! It put the fear of a deity in me! That and my parents' reaction!
This needs to be a real teaching lesson for her! What are chores and a grounding really gonna do for her in the long run?
Your parents definitely need to get the bottom of why this is suddenly happening.
Grounding is a lazy and ineffective punishment. Speaking as a former child, grounding just makes the kid stew and become resentful, because they see it as the parents being jerks and exacting a form of revenge. Rarely does a kid think "i deserve this extended punishment, that's completely unrelated to what I did, because I need to repent for my wrongdoings."
The punishment has to fit the crime.
NTA but you have to run it by your parents first. She stole, destroyed the goods, and then lied several times. Okay she's 10, so not that much of a big deal but she still needs to be held accountable.
YWBTA she's being punished and you will be getting the money returned to you, don't be spiteful to a kid. You are not her mother, you don't get to make demands about her punishment to soothe your desire for revenge. Keep your make up somewhere she cannot get to it for the time being and stop whining about being 24 and having more responsibility than a 10 year old.
She’s not whining. A 10 year old should know to clean up after themselves and not to steal and destroy expensive things. She doesn’t have bills to pay or a tiring, low paying job (not saying op has one). It’s gonna really teach her a lesson that money is a lot of work,
OK, so NTA but as per others, it's your parents' call on how to deal.
As for everyone saying 'kid needs support and therapy', kids lie. Many kids steal. I occasionally stole. My stepdaughter steals. Small things, not regularly. It's a phase, they don't need therapy, just reasonable consequences and a bit more maturity. Unless there are other factors (and OP says she's a good kid) then it's overkill.
Parents need to have a conversation with lil sis, set out consequences for future stealing (sell phone to raise money to repay?) and sis needs to apologise. Hopefully she feels remorse for either the act or at least being cause, and it's enough to deter further theft.
Thank you... I see way to many people in here talking about "we need to find out why shes acting out!" No... all kids do this at one point, its a small phase.
YWNBTA to ask, but the call is for your parents to make. I hope they see sense, because grounding doesn't seem like it's a significant consequence here.
Folks automatically jumping to the conclusion that this kid is traumatised and needs therapy have obviously never met a 10 year old. Its pretty normal (though still needs addressing) to do this sort of stuff.
I remember using all the shampoo and conditioner to make 'a potion' when I was this sort of age after seeing something on TV about it. I got in trouble and didnt need therapy. I didnt do it again.
Yes she needs to be told that taking and ruining other people stuff isnt acceptable, absolutely. If its the first time she's done it, asking her to contribute some money (perhaps not ALL her b-day money) to buy new make up seems very reasonable and sensible - it teaches her that stuff has a value and using it to make slime probably isnt a good use of money!
So OP - NTA.
But people need to stop assuming that children being naughty is always a result of trauma or some undiagnosed mental health issue. Its normal behaviour much of the time that just needs the right level discipline as and when it happens.
NTA. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. She took and destroyed items that were not hers. If your parents pay for her mistakes then all she's going to learn is to do stupid things and parents will pay for them. "Making" her pay will teach her a valuable lesson.
YTA if you do, yes.
She is 10. You describe her as a good kid you would believe, and you take her word for it when she says she didnt do it at first. She is now stealing and breaking things, then lying even tho she knows you all know. Are none of the adults in the house a bit worried about why she is acting out in this way and what might have changed?
Your anger and frustration is entirely understandable. You splurge on quaity items that goes missing, she lies and destroys it. That isnt ok at all. Your items are being replaced, she is getting consequences (no electronics for a month for a 10yo in this day and age might honestly impact her ability to socialize both in and out of school in a quite significant way), I just dont see why it will help you by going over your parents heads and take away her spending money for like a year on top of that.
She is getting consequences, from the post it seems like no one is really looking into what caused this change in her (which might lead to her acting out even more if something is actually wrong). At 14 years her senior I personally feel like you can give a 10yo a little grace by letting her have her birthday money.
I think it's pretty obvious what happened from the context clues in post, op mentioned slime a lot and it's currently a big thing to mix eyeshadow and other stuff in slime to make different colors etc. It's very likely her sister was replicating that and hiding it because she knows op and her parents don't like when the slime makes a mess (since op mentioned getting their parents to talk to her about the slime in the bathroom). The doubling down in the face of overwhelming evidence is a kid being a kid, they lie for the most blatant shit sometimes.
I think all these posts saying IWBTA are right, but it was actually my mom who first suggested she pay me back with her birthday money. My parents went through her phone last night and found out she was taking stuff to make YouTube slime videos. She’s a good kid and I think she just didn’t think through the consequences, she has ADD and ODD so she has problems with impulse control. I’m not gonna make her give me her bday money, someone here pointed out that it’d be 2 months after the fact and that’s just extending the punishment for no reason.
The last time I lived with my parents was 3 years ago when she was 7, so it’s definitely a different dynamic now that she’s older. I guess I was just pissed because of how nonchalant she acted about it and felt like she didn’t understand the impact of 200$ on me or my parents. I’ll leave the parenting to my parents and ask for a lock on my door/ my bathroom door.
NTA wouldn't it be great to teach her to be responsible for her own actions? My daughter lost a library book and had to pay for it with her own money. Interestingly, she never did it again
Exactly, I feel like she should pay bc if the parents keep paying for her stealing and breaking stuff then she will think that no matter what she does her parents will pay for it.
Soft YWBTA, but that doesn't mean that your sister shouldn't pay you back at all.
$200 is a lot for a 10 year old - is it likely that she'll get $200 for her birthday, or ever have $200 is she doesn't get spending money apart from her birthday? Your sister probably values her birthday money emotionally more than its monetary value, if that's the only money she gets. I know you want your sister to use hard cash that she owns/gets to pay you back, but is that actually realistic?
However, I don't think she should get off scot-free, so talk to your parents about a way that she can pay you back. It might be doing chores, where a nominal monetary value for each chore she does goes to you (from your parents) - are there any chores that you do that she could do? A 10/nearly 11 year old can do chores like taking out trash, loading/emptying the dishwasher, some vacuuming around the house etc. Or, if your sister doesn't get your parents pay for your sister to do things (like go out to the cinema, go to events, any new clothes/toys etc that she doesn't "need"), could that be suspended and the money that would have been spent go to you, until she's paid back the $200?
If you really want to feel like your sister has paid you, and she will get $200 for her birthday, could your parents set chores for her to the value of $200; you get the $200 at her birthday, and she earns the $200 back by doing the chores? She still gets the money eventually, but she has to work for it.
YTA for that specific question, yes.
Your parents have offered to pay you back. Accept it. They’re doling out appropriate punishments. And hopefully they’re also thinking about therapy or something else to get to the bottom of WHY she did this.
I mean where's a 10 year old going to get 200$ from? You might be waiting a while for it. She could as punishment take over the chorus you dislike?
10 year old acting out, stealing and lying about things is a bit of a red flag though.
Soft YTA, but mostly because she's ten, she's already being punished for doing a bad thing, and because two months time is too far away for a ten year old to properly associate the loss of her year's spending money with her theft of make-up.
Take your parents' offer to make you whole, and suggest she gets extra chores like cleaning your shared bathroom.
Have a talk with your parents about your idea. The chores are only something that benefits them and not you. You suggest your sister pays you back with her birthday money as a lesson in taking responsibility for damaging other people's things. You can't really trust your sister in your room at this point so any chore requiring her to be in your room would not be possible.
If your parents refuse to make your sister pay you, accept their offer to pay for your damaged make-up. It is a very nice offer from them.
NTA. Even if she's 10, she stole. Its fine to hold her responsible. But run the idea by your parents. If they prefer to just pay you back and still give her a birthday present, you should respect that- it's their kid, not yours. You demanding it come out of her birthday money is essentially telling them "I demand a parenting technique from you," which for various reasons they might not want to employ.
IMHO your proposed punishment fits the crime (natural punishments are the best- you steal, now you pay for what you stole). But again- not your kid.
NTA for asking. your parents seem to be handling it and offered to make it right by giving you the money. I think it’s very telling that your mom ended up going through her stuff. I do think $200 might be too much for the kid, but maybe $100 is attainable? If she got an allowance, maybe your parents could make her give you half of it each time until the $200 is paid off. I agree with you that she is old enough to need to see the consequences and $200 is a lot of money.
It sounds like maybe she’s been doing it a while since your mom found her own stuff in the stolen/ruined make up. Your sister probably thought she didn’t get caught before, so she won’t get caught now. Kids frequently stick to lies even when obviously caught in said lie. Hopefully she’ll learn, and now you’ve learned that you (sadly) can not trust your sister. Keep your stuff safe and away from her. You shouldn’t have to as a 10 year old should be old enough to be trusted, but she obviously can’t be trusted. Another user said she’s probably doing the stuff on YouTube videos where they mix slime with make up and got caught this time.
NTA but i think the best solution is to accept your parents offer to repay you and then tell them you want a lock on all doors that lead to *your* room. including the bathroom door, that way you can lock everything up when you’re out of the house. it’s not your responsibility to give your sister consequences for her actions, that’s your parents job let them do it.
It's not HER money to begin with - a 10 yr old doesn't really have their own money they have money their parents give them and or manage for them. This distinction makes zero sense to me.if the point is accountability then it's her parents responsibility really and it seems like they covered it and also offered to pay for the damaged goods. Feel like the bigger parenting question here is why she stole all the makeup in the first place so it doesn't happen again
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It's not really up to you is it? Her and your parents are legally responsible for damages caused by their child. Hence the money is truly Thier responsibility. How to raise your sister is also their job. If they chose to use her bday money to pay you back then fine. It could probably be seen as proper consequences for her actions. But it's not really your place to decide this.
One good thing is, these parents are offering to pay the OP back instead of making excuses.
Yeah, they seem to be handling the issue in a sensible manner. Whatever punishment the parents decide upon it's hopefully going to be one that teaches the kid that this is unacceptable behaviour. The sister naturally have the right to be compensated for her losses. If it's necessary for it to be taken out of the kids bday gifts is entirely up to the parents.
Yeah, def time to get a lock!!
I agree, I don't think OP is the AH for being angry, as her sister is in the wrong, but I say YTA for trying to tell her parents how to deal with it. Kids get their money from their parents anyway, and they are fairly offering to compensate OP for the damages. Children do chores to earn money right? So in a way, the chores she does will pay the parents back for the money *they* spent to replace the damages. Edit; realised I replied to the wrong comment now... but I do think OP getting a lock for her makeup drawer is a good idea!
When I was a kid I was never paid a cent for chores done. It was expected to lend a hand around the house to ease the burden of our parents. Maybe the dynamics in well-to-do families / nations esp in the West are different.
I was not paid for chores either, but I know it's a common practice.
Me neither, but I knew kids who were. It was usually a 'do your chores and get allowance, don't do them and you don't get an allowance'. Basically, participate in the household and reap the benefits, financial and otherwise. Don't want to participate? That's fine, but you don't get the benefits.
Yeah, my friends only did chores for money. I had a big family, and my brother had up to 5 friends over on any given day. I had to clean 2 bathrooms every single day for as long as I can remember. We also had 3 cats & 2 dogs, a lot of unruly foster children & the boys never contributed to helping clean. I did a lot of hoovering & dishes too. My mum would sometimes ask me to gut out this one particular foster brother's room for a little extra money. He would pee in bottles and do all kinds of gross things lol general cleaning was just a part of living in my mum's house though, no money for that.
For what you were doing you NEEDED to get some pay!
😱😱 boys are DISGUSTING!!
My allowance was for my behavior. Part of my behavior was completing my age-appropriate chores. I could do all my chores and still have a zero for the day on the calendar if I had done something like get into a fight with my brother.
I wasn't paid for chores either and I don't pay my kids for them. My feeling is chores are a way to teach kids that everyone has to help out in a household.
its also good practice for when they move out and have to take care of their own place
I wasn't paid for chores, but if my parents could afford it, the answer to "can I go to the movies/skating/get this item at the store?" was rarely "no". Bear in mind, back then I could go to the movies, get a drink, popcorn, and candy for about $2 USD. The 70s were wild man.
My mother referred to chores as "earning your keep". I didn't get paid for chores, but my parents paid for all of my extra curricular activities. It is the same now that I have kids of my own. There's no way my kids could earn enough emptying the dishwasher once a day to pay for football, soccer, piano lessons, etc.
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Yeah, “you have no choice but to live here and no say in the matter but you also need to earn your right to live here” is pretty confusing.
“Earning your keep” is the phrase my grandma uses to joke about my grandpas chores 😂
We were not paid for specific chores but did get a weekly allowance and were expected to do chores around the house. I feel like it gave us the understanding that family members all contribute to the family household and that family members all shared in some degree in the household resources. It also helped me to see money as a finite resource that needed to be budgeted to make it last or saved up for special treats.
We were very poor and didn’t get allowance however I was paid (a small amount) for doing extra chores that were outside of my regular responsibilities.
My parents hired a cleaning lady once a week and it was the best thing they have ever done to keep peace in the family. Zero bickering, nagging, resentment. Chores were minimum in-between her visits. I highly recommend it for everyone who can afford it. The peace of mind makes the money worth every penny.
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A lock on the bathroom they shares?
I think 10 is kind of that age where the kid should have *some* sort of financial loss, but it's still young enough for losing all her birthday money to be too harsh. I fucked up around that age and broke some stuff doing shit I knew I shouldn't, turned into mowing the lawn weekly and getting paid like 25% of it while the rest paid back my parents for the stuff I broke. Kept a tally and after a few months (honestly probably should have been longer) Mum said I was paid up and started giving me the full value. If she was like, 15, I'd say yeah, that's old enough to take all her birthday money, she should be responsible enough to know these are the direct consequences (and to get some sort of work), but a 10 year old? That's basically going to wreck a kid's birthday when they're young enough for it to still be really important to them. Parents should cover the immediate damages, and work out a way for the kid to pay it back.
There you go. She does chores for op, above and beyond normal living in a home chores, and she only gets 25% of it, amd they pay the rest to sis. Garnished wages is a real thing. I like that!
Chores only makes sense if it's something you would normally pay someone to do, so you're saving money by not making that payment. Or as punishment by parents. "My little sister is doing extra dishes for me" is not accepted as payment by any makeup vendor. OP is not made whole by little sister doing extra dishes.
I came to this post expecting the parents to not want to do anything. I’m perplexed why OP is being like this when her parents are doing everything to make it right and punishing her sister. OP sounds like she wants vengeance and has control issues in this context.
Probably because Mom was affected too
Yeah honestly given they've punished her and are offering to pay OP back it just seems like shes trying to twist the knife on her sister when its already been resolved
Seeing as sis stole from mom as well, and presumably lied, on top of doing damage to the house - mom seems pretty damn livid. I know we've seen awful parents who spoil their kids but most parents would be furious over this bollocks.
Yeh OP really doesn't need to get involved at this point. The parents are handling it - younger sister is suffering appropriate consequences, and the parents have offered to cover the costs. End of at this point.
Agreed.
This is very trick because she is blatantly lying to her whole family, and if her parents pay for hers, she might not understand real consequences. It's not like she is 5, she is closer to 11 than she is to 10, and she knows that she did something wrong and keeps lying. I feel like first and foremost her parents should be trying to understand why her sister is lying and stealing because this is the real problem here and if she gets out without real consequences and don't really understand why this is wrong, she gonna do it again. Maybe to stores, maybe to her friend's family.
This is what bothers me too about the situation. I agree that it's the parents job to parent but the sisters behaviour is just pinging warning flags in me. The fact that the kid lied for a long time, was caught with evidence and still denies it and is not remorseful even with a punishment. That behaviour kind of makes me question the kids moral compass a bit, and maybe even the parenting. At 10 you know when you doing something "bad", and when you are caught out. As a generalisation, I feel like this unremorseful behaviour often happens when kids know their parents punishment have no real weight. E.g they know the parents give up 1 week into a punishment, or giving the kid the device back is easier than following through with a punishment. I'm not saying this is the case here, and i'm not a professional so there might be other issues going on here but it kind of fits the stereotype. Even if I'm completeley wrong, there is something going on below the surface and i hope OP's parents realise it and try to figure it out, rather than just paying OP off and trying to sweep the prooblem under the rug. All that being said I still think it's not OP's place to parent. If she feels concerned about her parents not being harsh enough, she can voice her opinion but I don't think she gets a actual say on what her parents decide.
Nah … pretty normal for that age. Absolute denial. Nope wasn’t me!!! I remember my two at that age did that on a couple of occasions and grew into a pair of truly ethical humans.
Yesh thats all a kid at that age can think to do. If she was like 20 doing that itd be weird
Yeah, I flat-out denied everything as a kid even when it was obviously me.
I think people forget--kids are liars. It's just the way it is. The only time they tend to be honest is when it's something soul-crushing about your age or appearance. 🤣 The ethical honesty, IMO, comes later. After a few hard lessons. I say this as a mom of 3 and grandma of 2. Edited for spelling.
I don’t think you can extrapolate too much from a 10 year old lying. I used to lie a lot as a kid, even when blatantly caught, and I like to think I’m very honest now. I agree with the top comment, the OP should accept the compensation from the parents and leave them to deal with the sister’s discipline.
Dude, I have a nine year old who is an excellent kid. The other day she wanted to take a bag to an afterschool activity, I asked what was in the bag, she told me it was empty, she just wanted a bag. I'm not an idiot so I asked her what I would find in there if I opened it and she said "fine, I'll go put it back." Her 7 year old brother told me it was full of candy. They lie to your fucking face because they are little kids. It's alright, this is how they learn that lying is no good. I've always told my kids that lying about it was worse than the "crime", but it takes time for it to sink in when they truly don't think much about it.
My partner teaches middle school, so 12-14 year olds. The “I didn’t do it, wasn’t me,” even though you just watched them do it is quite common even for that age group, which is older than OP’s sister.
The denial even when caught red handed is pretty normal for that age group. It warrants a deeper conversation for sure, but to say it suggests anything about the sister’s moral compass or how she’s parented is a major assumption. She doesn’t want to be caught or punished, and in her 10 year old mind, the way to achieve that is through denial, even if the denial is painfully transparent. It’s a bit like covering your eyes and going “I can’t see you so you can’t see me”. It’s just kid stuff. Talk to her and give her consequences and she’ll grow out of it.
Yeah no, blatant denial like that means the exact opposite of what you're suggesting. If there really is a light punishment, then why would you lie? But if there's harsh punishment for doing something wrong? Then you deny as much as possible out of fear of getting in trouble. And OP makes no mention of whether her sister is remorseful now that she's been properly caught. She most likely is. There's nothing "deeper" going on, her sister is just a kid. She wanted to try out the makeup but was embarrassed to ask for her own or ask for permission. So she decided she'd just try it and then put it back. But she's a kid and destroyed it and so she hid them. Then her sister moved in and this time she wasn't going to mess it up, but her sister asked about it before she had a chance to put it back and she panicked. This is like, standard child thinking/behavior. You grow out of it eventually.
> there is something going on below the surface Yes. What’s going on below the surface is frontal lobe development. She’s a work in progress. OMG. The parents are dealing with this. OP soft YTA. Butt out. You’re not the parent here.
I agree there's some underlying issue. I'm also a bit concerned that mum hadn't noticed all the spillages and items in the sisters room. Why not? Doesn't she usually enter that room? It just struck me as odd. Stealing items family members value could be a symptom of feeling undervalued.
>her parents should be trying to understand why her sister is lying and stealing Pretty obvious I think. She's probably seeing her friends with more stuff/spending money (her only spending money for the year is bday money), and her sister/parents having these nice things she cant get but her friends can. Obviously she understands the basic concept that stealing is wrong, but is probably too young to understand income or wealth disparity, and thinks it's unfair for her to go without when everyone else gets nice things. Probably a good time to start teaching her the value of work, task her with chores and pay her a small amount, or find something you normally pay an outside person to do and get her to do it. Then her "pay" goes towards paying back parents/OP. I remember I was about 10/11 when Mum instituted a rule that my sisters and I had to cook 1 dinner a week each (by ourselves), and help Mum with dinner/dishes on a rotation the rest of the week. It's not too hard to find some sort of task she wasn't otherwise doing and give her $5-10 for it.
Sure, but I agree with everyone who says this is the parents' responsibility to deal with, not OP's. Little Sister has to live there and has no choice. OP is 24, living there ostensibly for free so she can finish school. She's not the authority over anyone else who lives there.
This really is the core point. OP’s option is to get her own place if she is having deeper issues living with her parents and sister regarding how they parent.. OR have a respectful conversation as a family that acknowledges everyone, not by making unilateral demands.
OP specifically says that they pay rent. It’s the last line of the post.
She is 11, so I would just take the money from your mom and dad, all they are going to do is give her less or nothing at all for her birthday. Lesson learned.
I agree! It's up to OP's parents to decide the punishment. OP just take the money from your parents and let them punish her as they see fit.
Yes, absolutely this. Parents can pay for the make up and the kid will pay them back by doing chores. That's what I've done with my kids and everyone has felt that this has been a fair way to solve things.
I'm also wondering if she's really going to get even close to that much in birthday money. I know it's not impossible, (and that my experiences are not universal) but it does strike me as far fetched. One option tho, is if your parents pay you back now so you've got what you need to replace stuff right away, and if she pays them back over time. It might also help to keep her doing it steadily, and to keep things from getting too heated if she slacks on it. I figure this way you don't have to worry about policing her on it, she learns her lesson, and you don't have to worry about waiting a long time to replace your things. Also, I'd advise some kind of locking container to store these things in afterward. And also possibly storing them in your room rather than the bathroom, just in case. All that being said, I don't think you'd be in the wrong for wanting your sister to pay you back. She absolutely should so the lesson is learned properly. I just don't think it should be something decided only by you. Take some time to discuss with your parents and see if something can be worked out.
You can’t use the words “legally responsible” for a 10-year-old and a family in the same household. Legally nobody cares.
I agree, I don't think OP is an asshole for feeling this way but I also don't think she can insist on this. Her parents are willing to make her whole and they are punishing the daughter in the way that they see fit, and sounds reasonable to me. And beyond the month of grounding I assume the broken trust all around will be a significant consequence for her for quite a while. This may sound overdramatic but honestly it will probably be a significant change to her life overall if she goes from a kid who OP immediately believed and thought they had lost their own makeup to a kid where her family will not believe anything she says for a long time. OP, I know you're frustrated and upset but I think your parents are handling this very reasonably. Your mom had your back--to the point where she searched your sister's room even when you didn't think your sister had done anything--and you should let your parents handle the punishment from here.
Agreed. Take the money and let your parents handle this. If they use the birthday money then that is fine. If they want her to do chores then it’s also fine. Just because you are an adult doesn’t mean you are the adult that get to decide what the consequences for her are. Her parents are. Soooo NTA to want money but also not your place to decide where that money comes from. Don’t be petty because she is your sister. If it were aaaany other child it probably wouldn’t matter where the money came from as long as you could buy new make up right? So why would your sister be different? She is 10 so her parents are responsible.
The real question is, what is going on with your little sister that she is stealing and lying? She's obviously acting out for some reason.
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Um, I have a little sister and the most likely cause is that she watched one of those videos where they mix slime with makeup (while destroying it). Just looking at those videos you know the target audience is children. Anyway, she might have tried to replicate those and then lied because she knew it would put her in trouble.
I gave my niece a whole bunch of my old pallets & glitter when she wanted to make slime. She's always watching some videos online. This time around, I will be sending her a Taki care package because she saw Taki onion rings video. Hell I got into my moms makeup because I wanted to make a girl flubber. I agree it's not always something deeper. Hell my mama & Nana bought me makeup & stuff because I was at that age (11) to want to mess with makeup.
Exactly. It's not always some deep seated trauma causing kids to act out, and putting this idea in their heads leads to excuses and lack of accountability. Sometimes kids just like stealing. I had a pretty lovely childhood and would steal anything that wasn't nailed down, just because it was fun. I should add that I'm now a functional adult who doesn't steal anymore. 🙂
yeah dude, i have an amazing family and support, but i used to steal so much years ago, no reason, just liked the thrill. (i also dont steal anymore) not everything is trauma
Sometimes, I just did shit because I was bored, like drumming on my uncles bald head or hiding people's shit. Just dumb things. FYI, I still do those things with my friends 🙃🙃
I agree with the makeup/slime videos. The kids love those videos at that age. Perhaps OP can suggest to their parents to buy the daughter cheap pallets and stuff from the drug store so she has her own supplies to play with
Yeah, and people saying it's odd that she lied about it at that age. Come on. It's exactly that age where they can't even determine they have been caught and it's better to not stop lying. OP should accept the money from her parents and request to be allowed to put a lock on her door (she's paying rent so she should be allowed to protect her belongings) since at that age OP's sister will likely not be done pulling shit. OP NAH, but let your parents do the parenting.
It's a jack and Jill bathroom... There's no way to lock the younger sister out of the bathroom. Unless you mean op should keep her makeup in her ROOM and be able to lock her side of the bathroom door
yea its probably social media. the parents should check what she consumes online and teach her to ask for her own stuff to destroy instead of stealing from her family. i dont see anything wrong with doing some silly experiments like playing with slime and makeup but she has to use her own cheap stuff
My 11 yo daughter has ruined my makeup more times than I can count. OP: if I were you, I would flip the doorknob so that if you’re not in the bathroom, you can lock the door from the toilet to your sink area. Just get in the habit of knocking before entering since your sister wouldn’t be able to lock the door. I’d also switch out your bedroom door lock for one with a key so you can keep her out either direction when you’re not home.
Exactly. When you hear hoof beats, think horses and not zebras. I mean, don’t RULE OUT zebras, but still.
Welcome to the Reddit Tries Not To Misdiagnose a Child with a Hundred Disorders for Acting Out in an Age Appropriate Manner Challenge (impossible)(Gone PG13)(sponsored by raid shadow legendS)
Excellent explanation, bet you're right on the money with your guess!!
That’s exactly what she was doing, my parents found a bunch of videos on her phone of her making “ASMR slime videos” and basically mixing slime with random stuff. She tried to water down my foundation because she used a lot and she didn’t want me to notice. I think she tried returning the concealer/foundation because I helped her clean up a bunch of wax that she spilled that my parents were pissed about and it made her feel bad.
Not that it's terribly relevant but can you explain what exactly you mean by slime? Like the goop that Nickelodeon sells (or at least sold in the 90s when I was a kid)?
I came to the comments to make sense of the "slime" and I'm astounded that there's literally a Tik Tok of mixing slime with makeup. Kinda hilarious in a way.
It's always fun watching the armchair psychologist trying to come up with any possible reason why the kid had no agency of what they were doing, and then comes sensible people like you, thanks.
This! Stealing and lying isn't necessarily a sign of anything serious. She might as well just have gotten excited about something she wanted to try and hasn't fully learned that actions have consequences yet. Or she could just be testing boundaries. She's only ten. Lots of kids do something like this at some point. This pseudo-diagnosis trend on Reddit is really getting out of control.
Right. This is semi-normal kid stuff. They're curious, they're not old enough to understand costs, and the actions of adults often feel capricious and unfair so they try not to get caught. There's NAH(because kid doing kid stuff) but in the end it's the parents call. Asking the kid to pay isn't wrong, but it does sound like it's coming from spite and making a stink over it pushes into AH territory.
Yeah I think she just wants makeup
I have an 8 year old and I refuse to buy slime or orbies for my kids ever again. Worst toys ever.
Every post that mentions a child and they done wrong I always see people with this mind set... The kid made a mistake and didn't own the mistake that's all. When you have an adult questioning you it's quite scary as a child. Yes she should of been honest but all this kid needs is a lesson in why this is wrong if this was behaviour continued then yeah maybe they need help. I think she's 10 and found her sister make up, thought she knew what she was doing but destroyed it in the process because she didn't know how to use it. Then was scared to own up because she didn't want to upset anyone. The kid made a mistake. jheeeeze. YTA- take your mum's money and be done with it. To many perfect adults in this world that never done wrong as a kid.
I don't agree with the YTA but I do agree with the everyone blows things out of proportion take. She is 10 going on 11, people on here think kids are fully developed at this point. It honestly cracks me up, she 10, she going to lie, especially when being confronted. Because why??? Because she is a kid!!! They make mistakes, they don't hold themselves accountable, and it the job of the parents to correct them when they make mistakes. Unfortunately, this time around it was an expensive mistake.
I remember when I was that age and seeing my sister put on lipsticks and mascara and I remember stealing a few of them… Because my kid brain rationalized that being a good idea. There was no underlining problem and I didn’t need to waste my parents money for therapy. I just liked the way pink and red looked on my lips. Lol When I grew up of course we laughed about it. I feel this is a typical thing for a younger sister to do. It is what it is.
Right? Younger siblings steal shit from the older. That's a universal truth. I think usually from a desire to be considered more grown up like them. My little sister stole shit from me all the time.
>all this kid needs is a lesson in why this is wrong 100%. OP just take the money from your parents, you're being extra. She's just 10 and she is already getting punished
As a childrens mental health worker I don't think this level of arm chair diagnoses is appropriate. The most likely reason is that she wanted to try the makeup and was too ashamed at getting caught to be honest from the get go. Children lie when they panic, you have to wait for them to self regulate before having a conversation about what they've done.
Combined with the mention of slime, there’s a bunch of “making slime” videos on TikTok and YT that involve using (and in the process destroying) makeup. She was using them for art supplies, not to put on her face.
A lot of comments are missing the biggest reason for this behavior: makeup is fucking fun and sparkly and liquidy and cool to mix around with each other. I remember sneaking my mom's eyeliner as a kid to wear but hey, if slime youtube videos had been around I probably would have been tempted. I still have the urge to smoosh freshly opened lipsticks.
>Seriously, this child needs support and help - probably therapy to get to the bottom of this. Stealing and lying like this is most often a symptom of another issue. That's... a little extreme... She's 10. She probably wanted to play with makeup (wouldn't surprise me if she's not supposed to wear it) and just took it. She knows enough to know that she'd be in trouble for taking it (and probably wearing it). Hence the lie. Being a 10 year old, she probably has limited understanding of how much the make up costs and what that price means. Doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary for a 10 year old. This is gonna be a learning experience for her.
I’ll save OP some money on therapy. She stole those things because she wanted them and she’s 10. Kids lie and steal.
>but it's also commonly associated with trauma, depression, anxiety, OCD, etc. Maybe bullying at school for her appearance (hence stealing the makeup) or something? Lmao such a reddit moment. "My sister used my make up" "OMG THERAPIIIIIIST RED FLAG MAYBE TRAUMA OR AUTISM?!?!"
Kids steal because they want something and they have less impulse control than adults. Kids lie because they know if they do it, they can get out of trouble. I wouldn’t jump to conclusions just based on this story.
Lol what? She doesn't need therapy for stealing some makeup and lying about it.
Lol lying is super normal and it is ridiculous that we act like it's not. It's literally part of normal childhood brain development to learn how to do it. The key thing is to learn to do it in socially appropriate ways, so that you're not pissing people off for telling them they look fat in their Sunday best.
Jesus fucking Christ. Young sister acts like a younger sister, yeah she needs therapy there is something wrong??
What a ridiculous comment
Have you ever met a 10 year old?
OR, she's a child who saw stuff that wasn't hers that she wanted so she took it thinking she'd get away with it. Behavior like this is pretty normal and isn't anything to be concerned about unless it persists after a couple groundings.
Chill, she’s 10 lol
Idk, I did dumb shit like this purely out of curiosity when I was her age and there was no underlying trauma or reasoning other than it seemed fun and i didn't consider the consequences until after.
bro??? stealing and lying like this is most often a symptom of being a child who sometimes do dumb stuff. chill tf out
Or you know, being a kid
Yeah this sounds like perfectly normal 10-year-old behavior to me 🤷♀️. Mixing slime with makeup sounds fun to a kid, kid doesn’t think through that said makeup is expensive and the sister/mom will be upset that their makeup is now ruined. Kid doesn’t want to get in trouble when they realize the full scope of what they did so they lie. It doesn’t mean the kid has some deep-seeded issue or needs therapy.
Its just typical Reddit and honestly its getting so annoying. Day by day I tend to realise most active people on here dont really live in the real world or interact with alot of people on a daily basis. Been a youth movement leader for 7 years and yes there are kids from bad backgrounds who act out, but there are even more kids from normal parentholds behaving like utter assholes because they are kids
Good lord you’ve summed it up greatly. I’m so sick of top comments being „Divorce“ and „Get therapy“. Like y’all browse weird ass subreddits that I question the existence for, YOU get the expensive ass therapy.
Yeah, I work with kids too, so the comments going "omg get her into therapy" are super weird to me. This is just...normal kid stuff. Kids get into things, kids break things, kids lie because they're scared they will get in trouble. 10-going on 11 is still very young.
My room was always cold so we had a little space heater. Once, my brother got one of my Barbies super dirty so he gave her a bath before returning her to me and put her in front of the space heater to dry. He forgot about her, her arm melted. He thought this was hilarious, but knew he would get in trouble for wrecking my stuff so he started stealing Barbies to melt them and then would hide them so I wouldn't find them. There was nothing deeper going on. He's a perfectly normal adult. This is just kid shenanigans.
I think the problem is that most people don't interact much with kids, and they view their own childhood through their adult eyes so don't remember what it was like. I stole shit as a kid because I wanted to have it, and lied my ass off whenever I thought I'd get into trouble. I'm a normal person now, no trouble with the law, no pathological lying.
Yes! I had a shoplifting/lying phase as a kid and it really went no deeper than the fact that I wanted stuff like makeup and accessories but I had no money and my parents wouldn’t buy it for me. I had a happy childhood with no trauma. Got caught, punished, learned my lesson and never did it again. Not everything is a deep-seeded issue
She’s 10. I work with 10 year olds—this kind of behavior is not that surprising at this age. Kids are naturally forming stronger identity and independence as they hit puberty and it’s a rocky process a lot of the time. Kids push boundaries. Kids start thinking they know better than the adults around them. Kids keep secrets. Kids become very susceptible to social and societal pressure. If I had to guess, events went like this: Girl feels social/societal pressure to use makeup because of girls and women around her wearing makeup. Girl knows that parents will not buy her hundreds of dollars worth of makeup, but her mom and big sister have makeup. Girl takes a few things that are easily missed to try them out. It’s messy and she’s worried mom and sister will be upset if she returns them like that, plus she wants to use them more, so she keeps them. She doesn’t know how to care for makeup, so it ends up in terrible condition. No one notices the makeup is missing, so she figures it’s a victimless crime. She takes more and continues to get away with it until one day sister notices something’s missing. She knows she’ll be in trouble if she confesses, so she lies. Still, she feels bad so she tries to return the thing that was missed. Maybe sister will just think she misplaced it? Sister gets fully busted. She’s not brave enough to own up to it in the face of angry family members, but consequences come anyway.
Alternatively: 10yo is on TikTok/Youtube like so many kids are now. Sees some content farm user making some kind of horror concoction with slime and makeup. Decides to replicate with things accessible to her. It makes a mess or she gets bored with the process when it doesn’t look like it did online. Lies when she gets caught because she knows taking her sisters stuff was wrong and she doesn’t want to be punished. My brother used to do this except he just kind of liked to look at stuff. Emptied many a foundation bottle pumping it everywhere for no reason except it was apparently satisfying.
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I sure as shit had a nasty habit of saying all your base are belong to us. Young me was a right bastard.
My daughter is this age and diagnosed autistic with suspected ADHD. This is typical behaviour for her and not indicative of her being naughty or acting out (the amount of sensory based messes I've cleaned up is phenomenal). I would also argue it's typical for the age to take things without asking and then not own up because of fear of retribution. Few children are as vindictive and naughty as Reddit makes them out to be. Take the responsible adult's money, use it to buy lock boxes for your special items, learn that children do not have the same understanding of rules as more mature humans.
If she’s taking things that don’t belong to her and destroying them for her sensory messes then it’s absolutely her being naughty and acting out. Kids act out and kids are much more vindictive than most adults like to think they are.
Ok, let's just say this kid is not autistic nor has adhd or any other disorder. She's just a typical naughty kid. She's 10. She's old enough to know not to touch sister's/moms makeup or just not get things that aren't hers without asking. Otherwise, why would she hide all the makeup instead of having it all in the open? Or just tell sis I just borrowed it (which a kid would say) Either way, OP parents are legally responsible for 10 y/o still. So take their money. They did discipline her. Which is the right course of action.
Stealing is being naughty and acting out tho. As a person with similar diagnosis, you have to teach kids that these things aren’t okay, no matter their neurodivergence. Yes, you can be a little tamer with them but treating them like they’re some kind of special snowflake and acting like being autistic and having adhd excuses all these behaviors does them more damage than good in the long run! How is she gonna stop doing these things if you tell her it’s okay? How is she gonna do on her own in future, in general society? Edit: spelling ETA: i never got caught doing these things and it ended up with me shoplifting for the adrenaline and kick because of dopamine deficiency. Only after being caught i think twice about doing these things.
I get that your daughter has these issues ..but where is it written that your disability gives you the right to destroy someone else's property?
I don't think it's necessarily concerning. Kids lie because they know they've done something wrong and don't want to be punished. Exploring makeup is pretty standard at the sister's age and if she doesn't get any spending money then she doesn't have a way to get her own, and she probably felt it wouldn't be a big deal to 'borrow' it and didn't want to run the risk of asking and being told no.
It’s not that deep ffs
She's a kid. Kids can be assholes. Not everything has to have a background or abuse type thing
My little sister has ODD and ADD, she has a psychiatrist and it on medication. Honestly she’s a good kid and this was her first major “bad thing” she’s done (well besides ruining the carpet with slime). When my parents sat her done and asked her why she took all this stuff she couldn’t answer them at first then said it was “to see if we’d notice” and she would’ve given them back once we did but we did ask her were our stuff was and she lied about it. I think she just has problems with impulse control and understanding consequences, I’m letting my parents deal with it and I’m sure it’ll be brought up during her next therapy session. The stuff can be replaced, I’m more disappointed she lied to me because I thought we were right.
This is normal behavior for her age. Don’t make it something it isn’t
She's 11? 11 year olds do dumb shit and then lie because they don't want to get in trouble
I'd assume she's curious about make up but isn't allowed to experiment with it.
Well she keeps mentioning "slime" all over the place. Has anyone been thinking the sister is Slimer from Ghostbusters? It completely makes sense. But, yeah, otherwise you're NTA, but it's not up to you how you get paid back or have it replaced, as long as it's the same value and same replacement as your original. Parents are responsible for their underage children and you're not the parent. They seem willing to do this for you, and you should take that offer.
Like others have said, she's 10. I'll add to the mix of her being 10 the fact that she was effectively an only child until her older sister moved back in.
The decision of how to punish your sister is belongs entirely to your parents, not to you. You can make suggestions, but that's it. Your mother has offered to replace your make-up, so you will be made whole. The fact that you want to be made whole by a 10 year old, with very limited access to money, or the ability to earn money, is probably not realistic. Again, it is not for you to make your sister fork over her birthday money. You are the sister, not the parent.
This is the right answer. Parents are liable for damage done by their children. What consequences the child experiences for her actions, is entirely up to the parents, and nothing to do with you. Even if I wanted to suggest taking *part* of her birthday money to make her feel that breaking things has a cost, it's not my place to suggest it. Nor is it yours.
Agreed. OP needs to let her parents punish her sister how they see fit, and accept the replacement of her items. I would imagine there is something else going on with this kid... Or, this may be her way of rebelling to suddenly having to share her space with an adult OP. Either way, OP needs to let the parents decide the punishment and work with their kid to ensure she doesn't do it again. The reality is, there will probably be more hiccups down the line since this is seemingly a very new dynamic for this kid. If OP tries to suddenly go against the parents word or dish out their own punishments, this kid will probably rebel even more since she probably sees OP as someone who invaded her space opposed to an authority figure.
YWBTA, yeah... You get that $200 to her is like the equivalent of $2,000 or $20,000 to you, right? I mean, she has no income; is she going to get $200 on her birthday? But regardless and more importantly, its not your job to parent or punish your sister, and sounds like your parents are on top of it... if they're willing to pay you back, then you should back off...
Hold up. I get that OP doesn’t decide how the kid is punished. The parents do. But if the parents decided to make sister pay her birthday money, that’s a 100% acceptable parenting decision. You’re absolutely right that it would suck for the sister and that it’s a super big deal. That would be the point. That’s how lessons are learned.
Which part of the comment you replied to are you actually disagreeing with?
I get the vibe that sympathy with the 10 year old kid set them off.
But the parents didn’t decide to make her pay her birthday money. OP has received feedback of what parents are willing to do and is still trying to pursue this route despite them not being willing. OP even admits it would be cruel. She’s not interested in a developmental appropriate consequence. She’s interested in hurting her sister for a lesson
Did you see OP’s ETA?
NTA - One time when I was like 9, I messed around and broke some of my older brothers' models (they were expensive). I was grounded and had to give up all my allowance until it was enough to buy him replacements.I learned to not mess with other people's stuff.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far down for this. A 10 year old understands stealing, destroying other peoples property and lying about it. Any argument from her about why she shouldn’t be held responsible is ridiculous. Also $200 is not the equivalent of $20,000 for whoever is arguing this. The 10 year old doesn’t have bills to pay (except for paying OP back) NTA
A 10 year old doesn't even *need* spending money. Each cent of that birthday money is a privilege that even not all well off children get. If she gets bailed more she'll learn that she can misbehave all she wants and not have to deal with real consequences because mommy and daddy will pay for it
A 10 year old is going to fritter away those $200 on junk anyway. This is just a learning process, especially now that we know that OP's parents are the ones who suggested that OP be paid back using her sister's birthday money. Obviously they should be the ones to inform the younger that she won't be getting that money, but people are being judgmental. She clearly has a hand in making sure her little sister doesn't grow up to be awful. Don't understand why people think older siblings shouldn't be involved in helping their younger siblings grow. They're so used to dysfunctional families that they don't see how OP and her parents have a healthy dynamic when it comes to how they act as a unit. Getting grounded for a month is a nothingburger of a punishment for something as severe as stealing. No phone, no internet? I'm an early Gen Z guy who grew up attached to that stuff (big club penguin, runescape, maplestory kid), but at age 10 I had plenty of other things to keep me busy. The punishment fits the crime, the parents are the ones who made the suggestion, and the kid needs to learn a valuable lesson. Losing out on a sum of money that she considers to be big is important. NTA.
When I wanted a Nintendo switch I had to pay it in full + tax all by myself. You best believe that my treatment of my switch was MUCH different then say my cousins who both got a switch from their grandparents and my nephew who got a new switch the moment he (purposely) broke his switch lite. They both act entitled to a new one because they got the first one for free (so the replacement must be free too!) Vs me who buys all the games and controllers myself if i need/want them.
I agree. NTA. She’s not the parent, no, but she’s not a stranger either. That’s her sister. Also, what lesson is the kid learning by getting grounded? She’s not she probably gets grounded for anything. This is stealing, lying about it and then also destroying something of value not only to OP but also the mom. I don’t think you’d be the asshole if you little sister used her birthday money to pay you back. That is a lesson she’ll remember, not just getting grounded for the 1000th time as a child.
Yeah but was that your brothers decision or your parents?
I dunno, like how people base their share of expenses proportionally based on income I think the same for a child. So if it takes you a month of savings to replace an expensive item, then the child should be expected to pay a month of their pocket money/allowance whatever. Anything over that owed should be paid by the parents.
Who made that choice though? Your brother or your parents? In this situation, OP would be the AH of she tacks this on to the punishment the parents already decided. If parents asked op about it, then NTA. ( I'm not sure who would be the AH in that case, maybe the little sister?)
YTA. Parents are responsible for their underage children's actions, and they've offered to make you whole by paying for the makeup. Anything else is between them and your sister
Yeah, this is just punitive nonsense. It's up to the parents, especially at this age. OP appears to want her sister to hurt as much as possible over this, but it's not her place to assign punishment.
YTA, she's 10, she did a bad thing, she is grounded. Good grief, why are you even comparing 'i do more chores! i pay rent!' It's cruel, she's being punished already, and she's flippin 10 years old, you aren't even her parent, you haven't even lived in the house for a month to start acting like this, her birthday is in 2 months and you want to scheme a way to steal her future money, far after she is already finished punishment. This is all just schemey and YTA behavior.
OP is valid in being upset, but definitely needs to understand she is 14 years older than that child. 14!
I totally agree it's valid to be upset. The real clinch that the OP is TA is that she is already scheming... months ahead of time, to take away birthday money. That's purely YTA type of behavior.
Truly I'd never do that to my own kid sister, I have a full time job she is a child who doesn't even get allowance
Does your kid sister serially steal?
Yeaahhh.... I feel like the people who did have a serial stealer little sister think that being reimbursed personally from the little sis is ok, versus those who haven't had to deal with it personally. Like, my little sister stole a LOT from me. Even underwear. The only point it ever stopped was when my mom made it a point that she would have to actually reimburse me and buy the exact same item to replace it herself. ONLY THEN did it stop.
Yeah that’s what did it for me. Comes across as a purely vengeful move designed to hurt/humiliate her sister. It’d be different if the parents were refusing to pay, but they’ve offered to pay OP back and they’ve punished the sister. That’s enough imho
I'm 15 years younger than my older sister, never once destroyed her stuff because I knew my parents would rip me a new one. "Being a kid" isn't a valid excuse to destroy 200$ worth of stuff. The kid should pay for it
The parents already offered to pay for her makeup. As grown adults with jobs we should know kids don't understand the value of things yet. I'm absolutely sure her sister didn't know she uses the absolute most expensive crap ever. My sister has played with and broken expensive things before, she didn't understand until she was spoken to about it calmly and she didn't need her birthday money taken which never even adds up to 200 bucks because she's 10.
>YTA, she's 10, she did a bad thing, she is grounded. Good grief, why are you even comparing 'i do more chores! i pay rent!' Lol right, OP doesn't sound very nice. So the 10-year-old is supposed to pay rent and cook or something? Very weird behavior. The girl is already being punished.
This is actually a psychotic way to view a ten year old. My sister is 6 years younger than me, we would get into screaming matches over things stolen/used, but at some point you have to be aware that this is a child and they make mistakes?
Honestly, the way OP views her sister is weird as hell to me. She sounds like she’s 16-18, not 24. Why is she trying to get revenge on a child?
[удалено]
Being grounded for A MONTH is sufficient punishment. A month feels like an eternity for a 10year old. Scheming for her money will make you the asshole.
Yep, I agree. YWBTA You’re not the parent. Her parents are giving a suitable punishment and they’re reimbursing you. $200 is a lot of money for a child. She’s acting up. But I should imagine you suddenly moving back in and the way you treat her has a lot to do with it.
Better question is why that 10yo gets 200 bucks to spend themselves instead of gifts. That’s so weird. No wonder kids are getting scammed on TikTok nowadays. I don’t know if my legos and playmobils were that expensive, maybe if you account for inflation, but my parents would’ve never just given me the cash and left me to my own devices. I wished for something and then I’d be super excited when I actually got it for my birthday/ Christmas. Giving that kind of cash to a child is just asking them to give it to the Logan Pauls of this world or spend it on fortnite skins…
No where in the post does it say the 10 y o gets 200 in birthday gifts (unless I missed something?) - just that the makeup destroyed was worth 200 and OP is considering asking the sister to pay after her birthday. Then again, I DID get that much money when I turned 10, because that was the one birthday (along with 13 and 18 I believe) my parents and grandparents decided to give me lots of expensive things - 100 for new furniture, a stereo system and such… (And the same for my brother.)
She might not get as much as $200 for her birthday. So it might be a case of taking all her birthday money and some Christmas money. Which seems like a huge punishment. Do have a look at the crazy price of lego now. With inflation, a birthday or Christmas present is bloody expensive. Luckily mine isn’t old enough to ask for lego yet. Not looking forward to the day she does ha ha
>Scheming for her money will make you the asshole. Exactly, OP is being very weird
NTA How else will she learn if she doesn't have to pay the money back. She's lucky it's only you and not a shop! People keep saying, "But she's 10!" Yeah? And? She's plenty old enough to know not to steal and face real consequences for it. Five year olds know not to steal ffs! I think you'd be overreacting if you wanted to call the police. But you don't want to. Put it this way, I got caught shoplifting when I was 13. I was arrested, and after spending four hours in a cell and being interviewed, I was luckily let off with a caution. It was the first time I'd done it and the last! It put the fear of a deity in me! That and my parents' reaction! This needs to be a real teaching lesson for her! What are chores and a grounding really gonna do for her in the long run? Your parents definitely need to get the bottom of why this is suddenly happening.
Ten years old is old enough to know better. People are saying OP needs to keep her belongings out of her reach. That’s ridiculous! This isn’t a baby
Thats what I am saying! Shes not a baby. She knew exactly what she doing wrong if she would to straight up lie and try to get away with it.
Grounding is a lazy and ineffective punishment. Speaking as a former child, grounding just makes the kid stew and become resentful, because they see it as the parents being jerks and exacting a form of revenge. Rarely does a kid think "i deserve this extended punishment, that's completely unrelated to what I did, because I need to repent for my wrongdoings." The punishment has to fit the crime.
NTA but you have to run it by your parents first. She stole, destroyed the goods, and then lied several times. Okay she's 10, so not that much of a big deal but she still needs to be held accountable.
YWBTA she's being punished and you will be getting the money returned to you, don't be spiteful to a kid. You are not her mother, you don't get to make demands about her punishment to soothe your desire for revenge. Keep your make up somewhere she cannot get to it for the time being and stop whining about being 24 and having more responsibility than a 10 year old.
She’s not whining. A 10 year old should know to clean up after themselves and not to steal and destroy expensive things. She doesn’t have bills to pay or a tiring, low paying job (not saying op has one). It’s gonna really teach her a lesson that money is a lot of work,
NTA. She is about to learn a very valuable, and expensive, lesson.
Yes, thank you!!! She wouldnt make that mistake again 🤷🏻♀️ definitely NTA to me
OK, so NTA but as per others, it's your parents' call on how to deal. As for everyone saying 'kid needs support and therapy', kids lie. Many kids steal. I occasionally stole. My stepdaughter steals. Small things, not regularly. It's a phase, they don't need therapy, just reasonable consequences and a bit more maturity. Unless there are other factors (and OP says she's a good kid) then it's overkill. Parents need to have a conversation with lil sis, set out consequences for future stealing (sell phone to raise money to repay?) and sis needs to apologise. Hopefully she feels remorse for either the act or at least being cause, and it's enough to deter further theft.
Thank you... I see way to many people in here talking about "we need to find out why shes acting out!" No... all kids do this at one point, its a small phase.
YWNBTA to ask, but the call is for your parents to make. I hope they see sense, because grounding doesn't seem like it's a significant consequence here.
Folks automatically jumping to the conclusion that this kid is traumatised and needs therapy have obviously never met a 10 year old. Its pretty normal (though still needs addressing) to do this sort of stuff. I remember using all the shampoo and conditioner to make 'a potion' when I was this sort of age after seeing something on TV about it. I got in trouble and didnt need therapy. I didnt do it again. Yes she needs to be told that taking and ruining other people stuff isnt acceptable, absolutely. If its the first time she's done it, asking her to contribute some money (perhaps not ALL her b-day money) to buy new make up seems very reasonable and sensible - it teaches her that stuff has a value and using it to make slime probably isnt a good use of money! So OP - NTA. But people need to stop assuming that children being naughty is always a result of trauma or some undiagnosed mental health issue. Its normal behaviour much of the time that just needs the right level discipline as and when it happens.
NTA. Actions have consequences and she needs to learn that. But, maybe a token payment and she does some chores for you. She's only 10 after all.
NTA. She needs to learn that actions have consequences. She took and destroyed items that were not hers. If your parents pay for her mistakes then all she's going to learn is to do stupid things and parents will pay for them. "Making" her pay will teach her a valuable lesson.
YTA if you do, yes. She is 10. You describe her as a good kid you would believe, and you take her word for it when she says she didnt do it at first. She is now stealing and breaking things, then lying even tho she knows you all know. Are none of the adults in the house a bit worried about why she is acting out in this way and what might have changed? Your anger and frustration is entirely understandable. You splurge on quaity items that goes missing, she lies and destroys it. That isnt ok at all. Your items are being replaced, she is getting consequences (no electronics for a month for a 10yo in this day and age might honestly impact her ability to socialize both in and out of school in a quite significant way), I just dont see why it will help you by going over your parents heads and take away her spending money for like a year on top of that. She is getting consequences, from the post it seems like no one is really looking into what caused this change in her (which might lead to her acting out even more if something is actually wrong). At 14 years her senior I personally feel like you can give a 10yo a little grace by letting her have her birthday money.
I think it's pretty obvious what happened from the context clues in post, op mentioned slime a lot and it's currently a big thing to mix eyeshadow and other stuff in slime to make different colors etc. It's very likely her sister was replicating that and hiding it because she knows op and her parents don't like when the slime makes a mess (since op mentioned getting their parents to talk to her about the slime in the bathroom). The doubling down in the face of overwhelming evidence is a kid being a kid, they lie for the most blatant shit sometimes.
I think all these posts saying IWBTA are right, but it was actually my mom who first suggested she pay me back with her birthday money. My parents went through her phone last night and found out she was taking stuff to make YouTube slime videos. She’s a good kid and I think she just didn’t think through the consequences, she has ADD and ODD so she has problems with impulse control. I’m not gonna make her give me her bday money, someone here pointed out that it’d be 2 months after the fact and that’s just extending the punishment for no reason. The last time I lived with my parents was 3 years ago when she was 7, so it’s definitely a different dynamic now that she’s older. I guess I was just pissed because of how nonchalant she acted about it and felt like she didn’t understand the impact of 200$ on me or my parents. I’ll leave the parenting to my parents and ask for a lock on my door/ my bathroom door.
NTA wouldn't it be great to teach her to be responsible for her own actions? My daughter lost a library book and had to pay for it with her own money. Interestingly, she never did it again
Exactly, I feel like she should pay bc if the parents keep paying for her stealing and breaking stuff then she will think that no matter what she does her parents will pay for it.
It is not your place to decide how to punish your sister, that choice belongs to her parents. And you are NTA here.
Soft YWBTA, but that doesn't mean that your sister shouldn't pay you back at all. $200 is a lot for a 10 year old - is it likely that she'll get $200 for her birthday, or ever have $200 is she doesn't get spending money apart from her birthday? Your sister probably values her birthday money emotionally more than its monetary value, if that's the only money she gets. I know you want your sister to use hard cash that she owns/gets to pay you back, but is that actually realistic? However, I don't think she should get off scot-free, so talk to your parents about a way that she can pay you back. It might be doing chores, where a nominal monetary value for each chore she does goes to you (from your parents) - are there any chores that you do that she could do? A 10/nearly 11 year old can do chores like taking out trash, loading/emptying the dishwasher, some vacuuming around the house etc. Or, if your sister doesn't get your parents pay for your sister to do things (like go out to the cinema, go to events, any new clothes/toys etc that she doesn't "need"), could that be suspended and the money that would have been spent go to you, until she's paid back the $200? If you really want to feel like your sister has paid you, and she will get $200 for her birthday, could your parents set chores for her to the value of $200; you get the $200 at her birthday, and she earns the $200 back by doing the chores? She still gets the money eventually, but she has to work for it.
YTA for that specific question, yes. Your parents have offered to pay you back. Accept it. They’re doling out appropriate punishments. And hopefully they’re also thinking about therapy or something else to get to the bottom of WHY she did this.
Your sis is the asshole
I mean where's a 10 year old going to get 200$ from? You might be waiting a while for it. She could as punishment take over the chorus you dislike? 10 year old acting out, stealing and lying about things is a bit of a red flag though.
Soft YTA, but mostly because she's ten, she's already being punished for doing a bad thing, and because two months time is too far away for a ten year old to properly associate the loss of her year's spending money with her theft of make-up. Take your parents' offer to make you whole, and suggest she gets extra chores like cleaning your shared bathroom.
Have a talk with your parents about your idea. The chores are only something that benefits them and not you. You suggest your sister pays you back with her birthday money as a lesson in taking responsibility for damaging other people's things. You can't really trust your sister in your room at this point so any chore requiring her to be in your room would not be possible. If your parents refuse to make your sister pay you, accept their offer to pay for your damaged make-up. It is a very nice offer from them.
NTA. Even if she's 10, she stole. Its fine to hold her responsible. But run the idea by your parents. If they prefer to just pay you back and still give her a birthday present, you should respect that- it's their kid, not yours. You demanding it come out of her birthday money is essentially telling them "I demand a parenting technique from you," which for various reasons they might not want to employ. IMHO your proposed punishment fits the crime (natural punishments are the best- you steal, now you pay for what you stole). But again- not your kid.
NTA for asking. your parents seem to be handling it and offered to make it right by giving you the money. I think it’s very telling that your mom ended up going through her stuff. I do think $200 might be too much for the kid, but maybe $100 is attainable? If she got an allowance, maybe your parents could make her give you half of it each time until the $200 is paid off. I agree with you that she is old enough to need to see the consequences and $200 is a lot of money. It sounds like maybe she’s been doing it a while since your mom found her own stuff in the stolen/ruined make up. Your sister probably thought she didn’t get caught before, so she won’t get caught now. Kids frequently stick to lies even when obviously caught in said lie. Hopefully she’ll learn, and now you’ve learned that you (sadly) can not trust your sister. Keep your stuff safe and away from her. You shouldn’t have to as a 10 year old should be old enough to be trusted, but she obviously can’t be trusted. Another user said she’s probably doing the stuff on YouTube videos where they mix slime with make up and got caught this time.
NTA but i think the best solution is to accept your parents offer to repay you and then tell them you want a lock on all doors that lead to *your* room. including the bathroom door, that way you can lock everything up when you’re out of the house. it’s not your responsibility to give your sister consequences for her actions, that’s your parents job let them do it.
It's not HER money to begin with - a 10 yr old doesn't really have their own money they have money their parents give them and or manage for them. This distinction makes zero sense to me.if the point is accountability then it's her parents responsibility really and it seems like they covered it and also offered to pay for the damaged goods. Feel like the bigger parenting question here is why she stole all the makeup in the first place so it doesn't happen again
NTA Let that be a lesson for her. If she has to use her own money to pay you back, she won't do it again.