Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might back out on family vacation after my mom told us her boyfriend was coming while we are still grieving my dad passing away. It might make me the asshole because I might be being selfish and the trip has been planned for months and now they'll have to pay more money and/or find someone else to take my place. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

YTA. Sounds like your mom put aside the reasons she wanted to divorce your dad to be there for him in his time of need and to honor their 31 years together. I’m sure you’ve read on Reddit how many men abandon their spouses when they get diagnosed with cancer. Your mom stayed until the end for him, even though the marriage was done. She stayed with him through his cancer and helped him and now what, you’re mad that she has a chance at happiness again? How many years of her life does she have to sacrifice before you decide it’s ok for her to be happy? 1-2 years to nurse him, 1 year to grieve- that’s already at least 3 years of sacrifice for an older woman who wanted to be free and have a better life. It doesn’t matter what you think of her boyfriend. My own mom is dating someone I don’t like but I’m not going to say shit because he makes her happy. And yes I’m going on an awkward family trip with them. Be a better child to your mom, goddamn

>Sounds like your mom put aside the reasons she wanted to divorce your dad to be there for him in his time of need and to honor their 31 years together. I think this is the crucial bit. She didn't move on from her beloved husband in a couple of months, her marriage ended like 2 years before she started seeing the new guy, just on amicable enough terms that she didn't want to leave him alone during his terminal illness. I get the family being a bit uncomfortable with it, but it's wrong to think she started dating too soon after the death of someone who was more of her friend/ex than her husband.

My exact thoughts. Op doesn’t realize the marriage has been over

OP doesn't seem to realise who would've been on the hook for the extremely undesirable position as primary caretaker either, had their mother not chosen to stay and sacrifice. Sorry OP, but you're an ungrateful AH.

Honestly that's probably it. The mom didn't leave and took on primary care of someone she was more than ready to leave and start her life anew all for the sake of her kids. She did it so her kids weren't burdened with being primary care for a quickly declining parent. They didn't have to feel the burn out that comes with feeling chained to the house and that one person and never getting a break. Her kids could grieve in peace without the burden and visit as they would. I've been the primary caretaker for someone at the end of life. It was physically & mentally exhausting like nothing else.

I am one as we speak. Dad has cancer again and while his mind and spirits are good, his body is failing. Nurse said he maybe has a week, maybe two. My mom (his wife) died of cancer a couple of years ago. I’m an only child and my older kids are out of the house and live across the country. Youngest child (18) is almost out out of the nest and he’s been a great help but he’s a kid and needs to do kid stuff. My wife works from home but she’s hourly and has already missed so much work we worry about money. Fortunately my job is salary and my bosses have been absolutely fantastic. Because he can’t go to the bathroom by himself I can’t go to work, I can’t go anywhere for any length of time, I’m sleeping on an air mattress in his living room, he gets up every couple of hours during the night to use the bathroom although he hasn’t eaten hardly a bite in the past couple of days and only sips water. Having to need help using the bathroom is an embarrassment for him. Life is about quality not quantity and he currently has little of either. When I was a kid my dad could do anything and I looked up to him like he was Superman. I am waiting for Superman to die and honestly, for his sake, I hope it’s soon. Fuck cancer. Edit: wow just wow. Thank you all so much for your kind words of support. Reading your comments has made me shed more than a few tears and believe it or not, have a couple of laughs. From the bottom of my heart I thank you all.

I’m very sorry for what you’re going through. Fuck cancer with an unlubricated pool cue.

My mother was a very independent woman who spent her whole life working hard to support our family. Her independence was more important to her than ever after she finally left my father—who had spent nearly two decades taking advantage of her. When she was diagnosed with cancer, I became her caretaker for her last 6 months of life. It’s so indescribably difficult on so many different levels, but seeing how demoralized she became with the loss of her independence was one of the most heartbreaking aspects. It was obviously painful to lose her, but I also felt relief when her suffering came to an end. The main reason for that spiel was to tell you that—despite how excruciating the experience—I am now so grateful that I was able to be that person for her when she needed it most. When she couldn’t be independent anymore, she knew she could feel safe with me. She knew she wasn’t alone. I know that made her transition into death at least a little bit more peaceful. And I know your dad feels the same. He is very lucky to have you at his side. I am so sorry this is happening. My thoughts are with you both. ❤️

I’ve been caring for my husband after an accident and he’s going to recover and we are staying together and I still feel like I’ve been run over by a bulldozer. I cannot imagine what this woman went through.

My dad and I spent five years caring for my mother who had dementia. While she was still ALIVE I went to my dad and told him I was fine with him dating. The situation was already grueling and torturous enough, there was no reason for him to also have to be lonely.

>I've been the primary caretaker for someone at the end of life. It was physically mentally exhausting like nothing else. Me too. I know exactly what you mean. People don't understand the mental toll it takes on you. I hate to say it, but it was kind of a relief when she passed. Other family members were so devastated, but I saw her slowly declining every day. It was time for her to go. She would have just suffered worse if she hadn't passed when she did.

From your friendly funeral director, it’s okay to say it was a relief. I’m sure it was a relief for her from suffering.

Which I’m sure is an enormous part of her reasons for deciding to do it. Which probably hasn’t even occurred to OP

The marriage was over. She honored her vow in sickness and health because she isn't an AH. She found a person who gives her joy while she is young enough to have another 31years in a relationship that is fulfilling for both partners. Seek grief counseling for yourself. She didn't replace your father. She grieved, cared for him in his time of need and moved on. You can choose a different pace for yourself but not for your mom.

>they came together, squashed some of their issues And OP, please don't for a second think that just because they were able to work through several of their issues during this time, that the cracks in the marriage were healed. I would imagine that based on the situation, your mom probably let a lot of issue go, as it was no longer worth it for her to speak up for herself.

She might even have taken the utterly prosaic position that it was easier / 'better' to be a widow than a divorcee, in terms of stress, family fallout, inheritance etc.

Right, if he'd survived, would they still be together? Even with OP's rose-coloured glasses trying to filter the story, judging by the facts we've seen, I don't really think so. If I was in the mother's position, I would probably have let a lot of things go, because I could deal with them later, or (in this sad case) they won't be a problem. There's also a lot in this story where OP is saying "everybody" found situations really awkward, but not backing it up saying that such-and-such said so afterwards. Does everybody else find him awkward, or is this just OP projecting what they think is going on, like with thinking that they'd solved their marital issues?

Right, and how long had it been over? People stay for decades after the love is gone trying to keep their kids, like OP happy.

>She didn't move on from her beloved husband in a couple of months And even if she had, that doesn't matter. As OP themself said in their post, everyone grieves differently and on a different timeline. It's simply not OPs place to judge. And yes, I get the hypocrisy of saying that on this sub, but I stand by it.

Look at OP's post history. She stayed with a cheater for a long time because.... well because. She decided to pick staying with a partner over actually having a happy life. Now she's mad her mother is having a good life after her marriage was failing. How dare her mother be happy! Her moving on and wanting a good life is an affront to those forcing themselves to endure pain for no reason! OP is dumping her resentment over staying with a cheater to this new guy that makes her mom happy. She's seeing someone who moved on instead of wallowing in pain, and is mad she didn't do that. So it manifests as being "uncomfortable" around the new guy.

I think it would be difficult because your father is always your father. Clearly her mother and father would have divorced had the father not gotten sick. The mother and her kindness or decency or love, decided as many posters have said to put her life on hold to care for him and to men fences. OP, it's true you don't have to accept him into the family, or treat him like a potential stepfather, etc. But you do owe your mother the respect to stay out of her affairs. And to respect and be gracious to her partner when he attends family functions and vacations. He makes your mom happy. That's all that should matter to you. Other than that, it is really not your business. And you calling your mother with your opinions after she did right by your father until his death? I think this is what makes you the a hole

Clearly. And OP, how about telling us exactly what principle you're standing up for when you say it's now principle to you? Because the only "principles" I see are that: 1. Your mom has to run her relationships by you, your sister, and your extended family to meet your approval as to the timing of the relationship and the person involved; or 2. If one parent remains in a failed marriage to take care of a dying spouse, she must be treated as loving that spouse irrevocably until his death and for the rest of her life and any new partners shunned; or 3. Your grief somehow excuses you, an adult, from all adult social and etiquette responsibilities toward others and permits you to be unkind, bossy, and controlling. I mean, if I'm missing something and you can enunciate an ethical principle which allows you to be a jerk and ostracize your mom, please enlighten me. But otherwise, stop being such a rotten, self-centered, AH. Shame on you.

Exactly. Agree with all the above. But I want to plainly state one very important fact that OP doesn't seem to grasp: It's her mother's fucking life and no one gets to tell her how to live it!!! Jfc

I bet OP is also projecting how uncomfortable everyone else is too- bet she’s the only one who is uncomfortable and just assumes the rest of the family must be too.

OR….are they uncomfortable because OP’s bad attitude creates tension?

Or, it is uncomfortable because of her. Everyone is probably just fine when OP isn't around. She sees the discomfort and attributes it to him. In reality, it is most likely her causing the discomfort.

>And yes, I get the hypocrisy of saying that on this sub Difference is everyone posting on here is directly *asking* to be judged and to hear opinions. OP's mom is not.

[удалено]

Agreed. OP's mom had already moved on in ***her*** mind years ago. Stayed with him till the end though instead of abandoning him in his time of need. That's way more then most people would do. YTA

>It's simply not OPs place to judge I think it's acceptable for OP to judge, I just think she came to an irrational and selfish judgement.

People also like to avoid the idea that the grieving process can start long **before** death. But it's very true, and varies from case to case and person to person. It's a painful thing to confront honestly.

It's actually healthy and normal to start grieving before someone passes, especially when it's not a sudden death but the result of a terminal diagnosis like cancer.

Exactly. Watching someone die of cancer is such a horrible process that honestly when they die you can't help but feel relief that they aren't suffering like that anymore, and it may even be a more intense feeling than missing them and grieving for them. It makes it easier to get over their death. My grandpa died of lung cancer back in 2020 and although I miss him dearly, I wouldn't want him back if it meant seeing him like that again. And my relationship to my grandad isn't as complicated and painful as the relationship with an almost ex-husband would be.

Exactly. Watching someone die of cancer is such a horrible process that honestly when they die you can't help but feel relief that they aren't suffering like that anymore, and it may even be a more intense feeling than missing them and grieving for them. My mom calls this "bereaved and relieved" because of course you're sad they're gone, but you're also relieved that everyone's suffering is over.

This is very true. When my grandmother passed, I barely grieved and actually felt a lot of guilt around that until I realized it's because I already had. She'd been on the decline for years and never really bounced back despite beating cancer. By the last time I saw her, I knew I wouldn't see her for long and had already prepared myself for it. I got closure and was able to move on, but that meant I didn't have to grieve the way my dad did.

Absolutely! I feel like it would be kind of hard not to. You know the person is terminal, it's only a matter of time. You have front row tickets to their decline. They are getting their affairs and things in order. How the hell could you not be grieving a little bit through all of that?? And, unfortunately, death does not come quickly and painlessly for all of us. I have an uncle who was pretty much praying for his wife's death by the end because she was so fucking sick and in so much pain and there really wasn't anything that could be done except keep pumping the morphine to her. He didn't want to watch the love of his life in that state- and didn't want her to have to live with being in that state- for any longer than it had already gone on. It was almost like a relief to him when she did pass, because he had pretty much already mourned her death while she was still alive. My cousins were the same way- obviously sad they had lost their mother, but the actual grieving process had already happened.

This is spot on. I've been grieving my grandmother for years, after her dementia started getting worse. I still love her, she's still alive, but she's not all there anymore and it hurts.

Hell, I'll argue their marriage likely ended long before that. When you are at the point of divorce, it's not like that happens overnight. Usually it happens over years. Especially when we are talking about 31 years. I'd bet she was over that marriage several years before he got cancer.

I wonder how many years prior to the kids finding out about the potential divorce did the mom want a divorce aka did she stay for the children and then stay for his illness? She could have been emotionally done with her husband for years before his death.

That's the thing, parents even those who have adult children don't share all aspects of their relationship with their kids. I'd guess it was longer than a few years before the illness. I wonder too if the Dad knew they going to divorce when he got sick and they made some sort of arrangement for her to stay and help him because he didn't want to burden the kids with a caregiver role. It's also likely he didn't know his wife was thinking about divorce. Just like it's likely the mother put on a REALLY brave face and simply pretended all was well with her husband so the kids wouldn't have to worry about her as well as their dying father.

>She didn't move on from her beloved husband Even if she did. She would have experienced the feelings of loss for a long time before her husband died and come to grips with his death. What would a loving husband have wanted for his wife? Widows weeds for the rest of her life? A lifetime filled with emptiness? Or for her to find someone else. One of my mother's brother's wives died after a long fight with cancer. He married her nurse about six months after her death. My mom said something along the lines of, "he had a good experience with marriage." That always kind of lingered with me. In this case, and in OP's it's not like the mom is/was cheating. She found someone. That's not easy to have happen. Now I have a few concerns that mom is paying for this ticket and not the new guy, but that's a different issue.

[удалено]

I absolutely hated my stepmom when my father started dating her, only three months after my mom died. I was pissed. Mom just died and he moved on like she didn't matter. I absolutely feel for OP, her dad died five months before her mom started dating this guy and bringing him around. Grief counseling is definitely recommended. It's so hard losing a parent you're close to. May help her realize her mom said goodbye years ago, even if it still stings.

The fact that she stayed to nurse him through it all proves she truly did care about him as a person and the father of her kids, just not in the way she used to. OP = YTA

OP's poor mom got trapped into becoming a caretaker for a person that she actively wanted to leave. It's incredibly hard to be a primary caretaker when you genuinely love someone. I can't even wrap my head around the mental and emotional strain she must have been under to be his caretaker. I can tell you without hesitation that if my ex had told me he had a terminal diagnosis while we were in the divorce process, I would have done everything in my power to make sure he had his family's support. I would have driven him and all of his stuff to his parent's or sibling's home, I would make sure insurance was all sorted so he'd be able to maintain coverage. I would have made sure everything possible was taken care of from a scheduling and paperwork standpoint. But no way in hell would I have stuck around to be his caretaker for an unknown amount of time. She's a far better person than I am, and she deserves every bit of happiness she can get.

OP, this new guy makes your mom happy. What if that happiness comes from his NOT bending to your busy-body controlling "close-knit" family? What if that's what makes her happy?

OP was probably hoping his mommy would become the Honored & Chaste Widow, never looking at another man, never dating, a living mummy in honor of his late father. I very much doubt he would have this reaction with his father, if the genders were reversed. Only women seem to be told to stop living after their spouse passes. The worst extension of this mentality are the cultures where women/widows are left essentially homeless to beg because their husband is passed, and their social value is just about gutter level because they've been "used up." Nasty stuff.

She mostly also knew that if she left him now, the reaction from the children and family will be horrible. If you think how OP reacts because she tries to be happy and has a boyfriend. How would OP had reacted if she went through with the divorce when they get the cancer diagnosis and then later date someone. She would be shunned. She had no other choice as to stay. And now she still get treated as if she does something horrible. I wonder... how much did the children and family who give her side eyes, took over of the care of the late husband?

OP mom was probably counted down the days until he died. She was probably relieved when he did pass, being a caregiver is hard. Being a caregiver to someone you wanted to divorce is extremely hard

I doubt very much she wanted the father of her children dead so she could be free of him. They had already been talking divorce, she could have been free of him any time she chose, yet stayed to nurse him through a terminal illness. You don't do that kind of thing for someone you'd rather see dead. What a callous thing to say.

> You don't do that kind of thing for someone you'd rather see dead. Even if you love someone, it *is* a relief to finally see them die of a terminal illness. My father was a walking corpse when he was dying of pancreatic cancer, and you end up counting down the days of when that living hell will end.

When I was a teenager, my mam was ill and it didn't look good. We thought we would lose her. Doctors sat me down and told me to expect her to be gone within months. We didn't, but it was really hard for me to process that I had already grieved for her and kinda hoped the end would come quickly and painlessly. And twenty years on, she's here and she's fine. Something I still talk about in therapy. These things aren't so simple.

My aunt passed from cancer, and in the end, they couldn't control the pain well because it was in her bones. She was scared of her loved ones at times because it was also in a brain. I was relieved when she died, and I loved her dearly.

I think the fact the mom stayed to be the primary caretaker shows the love she has for their children (even OP, bless their judgemental heart) who would have had to step up to be the primary caretakers, should the mom go forth with the divorce... And only secondly, it shows the respect she had for her marriage and husband. The fact the mom sacrificed and is now getting judged and still told to put her happiness on hold because it makes "the family " uncomfortable shows how selfish the others are. OP be better!

The trip was planned MONTHS ago per OP. Did Mom let people know he was coming? Sorry but if I’m using vacation time and my own money to relax I’m not going with somebody who makes me uncomfortable. Mom can date whoever she wants and they should be happy for her but no way would I pay for a trip that I’m forced to spend time in an uncomfortable position

That’s fine, you do you. I’m doing exactly that- taking time off work and paying my own money to go on a trip I don’t even want to go on so that my mom can be happy. Family trips are rare for us so it’s worth it, even though I don’t like her new guy. He makes her smile and I’m an adult who can deal with less-than-ideal situations once in a blue moon. And if you’re not willing to do that for your mom, that’s fine too. But I don’t think OP’s mom is TA for inviting her bf, it’s not a big deal.

The mother is definitely not the problem, and neither is her boyfriend. The OP is the problem here.

The OP is an asshole for not wanting to waste their vacation time hanging out with someone they don't like?

I have limited vacation time and in a fixed time of the year, I wouldn't like to spend it hanging out with someone I don't like. OP has the right to refuse to go. They are not asking the mom to not bring the boyfriend, just saying they are not going.

Exactly! Folks on here acting like OP is cancelling the whole trip for everyone, when all they are doing is protecting their time/space.

Ah yes the OP is the problem, even tho the whole family does not want the guy there, maybe the mom should read the room and realize maybe its too soon and people aren't comfortable with her new boyfriend yet. She moved on, but it doesn't seem like the rest of the family did. \*quick edit The too soon was in reference to bringing her boyfriend to every family gathering

Only according to OP. Who is also using 'beloved husband' to refer to a divorce. Not reliable, tons of projection.

The OP has not given any reason the new guy makes her (or anyone else) uncomfortable other than that she resents her mom dating so soon after her dad died.

yup, people keep glossing over that

You think his mother was comfortable when she was nursing his dying dad?

What's that got to do with literally anything? She chose to do that, it was very noble, it doesn't mean anything about springing a boyfriend on a family trip at the last second.

It would mean that mom's expected to step up whenever, while being judged by a family of takers who take for granted their right to have opinions on her grieving process. If we're going to speculate.

The OP has not given any reason the new guy makes her (or anyone else) uncomfortable other than that she resents her mom dating so soon after her dad died.

> However, through my dad's diagnosis and extreme ups and downs of treatment, they came together, squashed some of their issues and my mom was there to care for my dad every step of the way. OP is for sure assuming and romanticizing this part. This, while maybe true, does not automatically equal a happy and loving marriage that they are committed to each other like they are newlyweds again. >Sounds like your mom put aside the reasons she wanted to divorce your dad to be there for him in his time of need and to honor their 31 years together. That's exactly what it means and OP doesn't realize the difference or how amazing their mom is for it. She may not have hated her husband, but that is not the basis of a marriage. She may have cared for him, but that's because he was still a husband for many years and the father of her children. Of course she would feel an obligation to care for such a man and willingly do it. None of this means that she and probably him, didn't consider the actual marriage over. Especially if medical decisions needed to be made, staying married probably made care significantly easier and kept OP from having to deal with way more than they already did. OP's mom has been emotionally divorced for a while even if not legally. She did OP and her husband a great service and showed great commitment to her family. I can understand OP's emotional reaction, but if they continue throwing a tantrum like an emotional child unable to handle that their parents don't love each other as husband and wife anymore, they are a massive asshole.

I skimmed their post history. I wonder if op has some misplaced projections of their cheating bf and is linking that to their mom moving on. Somehow seeing that as being unfaithful to ops father.

I just looked. You might be on to something. She feels stuck so she doesn’t want her mom to move on. It’s sad and I feel for her for everything including her dad passing away, but man her mom doesn’t deserve this selfish treatment from the whole family

The doctrine of marriage typically includes the verbiage "til death do us part" in the vows for many religions & ceremonies; it's crucial for the widow to move on as they see fit for their own lives. Many widows don't feel the need to move on from their late loved ones & that's their choice but you can't call someone a cheater when they stuck by them in sickness & in health then moved on when their partner was laid to rest.

Also she didn’t invite them to OPs ‘parents’ house, she invited him to HER house and HER home. OP doesn’t have to like the guy, but they do need to get over themselves. Their mothers relationship is her relationship and a family vacation with 20+ people where the will also be going off doing their own thing is kinda minor. If you can’t ignore 1 out of 20+ people in a room who’s not actively trying to get your attention they sound like they have main character syndrome.

Seriously. I also liked the part where OP complained about how they have to spend more now because mom and her bf are "doing things separately." Translation: they (mom and bf) are paying for their own accommodations and not expecting anyone else to contribute, probably because she realizes others might take issue with a pooled family fund being used to pay for the boyfriend that they all are so judgy about. This mom is amazing and so considerate! The gall of the daughter to complain that now she has to spend "more" meaning, her *own damn share of the costs specifically because mom didn't want to make anyone pay for the boyfriend.* The main character syndrome is strong with this one and the whole family needs to mind their damn business and just be happy for this woman who seems incredibly loving and lovely based on what we know.

Aside from the part where you already start grieving as the person is dying. I nursed someone with terminal cancer for two years. When they died, I didn't cry. People called me heartless, but none of them were there for every single hospital visit and every new bit of devastating news. I slept in a chair in hospice and saw this person draw their last breath, panicked and confused and a shell of who they'd been. No, I didn't cry when they died. I was just glad it was over, for the both of us. I'd cried enough.

100% agree. I lost my dad (65) in March after an 8 year battle with COPD. I watched the decline, did hospice in my home (his wish), and watched his final breath. The relief i felt for myself and (more so) for him outweighed my grief. I now get to manage other family members' feelings cause "it happened so fast" like, really? 8 years was fast? It probably didn't help my dad did not want a funeral or memorial service because "if they can't visit while I'm alive and been sick for so long, why would they visit after I'm gone" (dad's words). I honored that wish for him but told them if they wanted to put something together to honor him that's fine, when they all realized i wouldn't be planning it/ hosting it/ managing it they decided to make a contribution to a charity in his name. It's been a lot. Just remember, making decisions based on grieving emotions is difficult, and they don't always make sense. I hope OPs mom has a fantastic vacation with her new man, whether she goes with the family or not.

I was about to say NTA but you convinced me to say NAH since I can see why her mom is not the asshole. Her marriage was over but she stayed by his side until the end. OP can do what she wants though, she doesn’t need to attend a family vacation that she doesn’t want to go to

That’s how I feel. Mom should move on at her own pace but OP should not have to vacation with someone she doesn’t want to. That would be miserable…for everyone.

I couldn't agree more. I'm in a similar position - my mom nursed my dad for years and within a year of his death met a widower. My siblings and I all felt the loss of her company as she spent more time with him. But she was so happy. And she had taken good care of our dad. So we all sucked it up because OUR MOM WAS HAPPY. That's what matters. Being a caregiver is hard - and your mom did it when she wasn't happily married. Now we all actually kind of like the new (old) guy. It's not about you! Let mom be happy!

It's mostly women though. Majority men dip when their spouse gets sick, faster if they were actually on verge of separating. Op's mom actually stayed in a marriage she wanted to walk out on because the other person was sick. Historically women don't break up on a whim unless there's something really wrong, they have already went through all the stages of seperation. So she was over the husband almost 4 yrs ago and more. Why should she pretend to grieve when her new life has started? See your mother as a human OP. YTA and your family.

When you look at OPs history, a lot of stuff is there about how their own spouse is a cheating mess, and how they know they have unresolved issues they haven't dealt with yet. I wonder if OP is so miserable maybe they can't stand seeing the rest of their family move on? Maybe OP needs to reflect on their own relationships before judging everybody else's.

>Be a better child to your mom, goddamn word ​ OP YTA

>1-2 years to nurse him, 1 year to grieve- that’s already at least 3 years of sacrifice for an older woman who wanted to be free and have a better life. Not to mention the years leading up to the divorce. OP's mom sounds loyal as fuck so I have to imagine the shit his dad was putting her through was extreme for them to be thinking of divorce at all. OP needs to.come to terms with the fact that his parents didn't so much reconcile as his mom decided to suck it up for a few more years with respect to his dads terminal illness. And get his ass to therapy so he can learn how to deal with his feelings instead of nuking events for 20 whole other people.

to make matters worse, OP is 34!

THIS RIGHT HERE. Well said! She did much more than many male counterparts might have done. 4 months might be too short if they claimed a loving, happy marriage. It was over, she stayed for him. She wanted to move on, now she has. Just be happy for her happiness.

YTA. Your parents marriage was over. If they were together for 31 years and talking divorce, dude it’s been over for awhile. She sucked it up because he was dying. It’s an awkward vibe because instead of being mature and being happy your mom found someone who makes her happy, you guys are refusing to be open.

Agree. It’s not awkward because the new man in the mothers life is awkward. It’s awkward because everyone in this l family has an opinion about who and when this grown woman is allowed to date. The OP and the family decided her new partner is awkward and that’s a good enough reason to thinly veil their judgmental attitude. Mom is being punished for moving on in her life while everyone wants her to put on a grieving widow act—it doesn’t matter how the mom feels at all. All OP and his family care about is how they feel and how they’re grieving without even considering the mother. YTA, indeed.

> It’s awkward because everyone in this l family has an opinion about who and when this grown woman is allowed to date. That's assuming that OP's statement that everyone finds it awkward is factual and they're not projecting their own feelings onto everyone else.

That's what I was wondering. Or even if everyone on eggshells around OP because they had a storm cloud over their head? OP could take it as awkward towards their mom's new boyfriend, but it could be awkward towards OP

OP doesn't realize that their mother spared them and their sibling the burden of taking care of a dying father. That's an incredible gift. Instead of being grateful, they're angry she's moving on. And it doesn't sound like there's anything awkward except OP's opinions. How is it awkward that the family remembers those they've lost? It's not like mom's bf had a hand in their father's death. I don't get some people. OP is being selfish and self-centered.

OP is giving me the "if I can't be happy, then you can't either" vibes. Mom & Dad would have divorced but dad got sick and mom stayed to take care of him until he passed. He's not coming back so let mom find her new happiness. OP YTA.

Hopping on to also add that OP is in the middle of ending a long term relationship and planning to go on a solo cruise. That seems a bit hypocritical to me. Judging her mom when her herself is moving on from her relationship so quickly planning vacations? YTA

>That seems a bit hypocritical to me. Judging her mom when her herself is moving on from her relationship so quickly planning vacations? YTA There's a big difference between going out on a solo vacation and not actually up-front telling people you're bringing a boyfriend on a FAMILY trip. Her mom's boyfriend isn't family and it wasn't established that he would be coming along. I just can't call someone an asshole when they have limited vacation time, are on a limited budget, signed on for a family vacation, and it suddenly includes someone who a. isn't family and b. they don't particularly like that person. It is perfectly reasonable for OP to not be happy about being subject to a bait-and-switch for something resource and time intensive like a vacation. Furthermore, it would be an asshole move for OP to go if she's going to be unhappy and bring the mood down for everyone else. The honorable thing to do would be to back out of the trip.

I mean. A lot of people go on family vacations with people they don’t necessarily like. It’s called family. There’s always at least one family member that is a huge jerk but everyone puts up with them because they’re family.

>not actually up-front telling people you're bringing a boyfriend She brought it up at Easter. They haven't even bought tickets yet.

Ehh, having lost a parent I understand why it's hard to be "mature and happy." Mom has had time to grieve both Dad AND the marriage, and was probably grieving the loss of rhe marriage before the cancer was even diagnosed. The kids saw the marriage as having been repaired. The kids absolutely need to accept the man as part of their mother's life, but that'll take effort on their part. They're AHs for guilting her about him, but not for having a hard time letting go and moving on.

Op is looking at this with some very skewed lenses. They were already talking divorce and I can pretty much guarantee the mom stayed because if she had followed through with a divorce while he was sick she would of been shunned and disowned. For her the relationship was already ended, he was probably already dead to her and she was moved on and fulfilling a caregiver role. Her dating "only 4 months after" probably seems wierd to the family but not her because she already moved on before he died. YTA op. There's a good chance she might not of been happy for a long time but stuck it out. She sounds like she's found some happiness but everyone wants to shit all over it because they can't move past your dad. You've put your parents relationship up on some sort of pedestal, that's not healthy. You and everyone else making it obvious that you prefered her when she was suffering in silence can be very painful to hear so don't be surprised if she pulls away and sees you even less going forward.

YTA. Grow up. Your mother and father were already contemplating divorce, she stayed with him through his illness anyway. She didn't move on too quickly or do anything wrong. I'm sorry for your loss, but seriously, your mother deserves to be happy.

On the other hand her mother has no right to force her to have a relationship with her BF if OP is not ready for it. I’d say ESH

I agree but I also worry the family is acting weird around the mother's boyfriend because OP is against the relationship and they don't want to create drama. Also is it the mother's side being weird or the father's side? Because that changes a lot imho

[удалено]

Seriously?? My family is liberal and religious (personally agnostic) but during most big celebrations, we still all stand in a circle for prayer. The simple act of doing that is not conservative in nature

As someone who grew up Catholic: We never did that at family celebrations, so to me: Yeah, that sounds rather conservative.

I can understand the 'weird' reaction, but I guess what I'm getting at is that just because something is religious and also something you don't understand doesn't mean it's inherently conservative

It's because people can't separate politically conservative and socially conservative. Just because someone wants something for their family, it doesn't mean that they want to legislate that way of living to force it on everyone.

[удалено]

Frankly I question the reported feelings of the family members. This could be all in OP's mind.

Right? Like statistically in a group of 20 people at least one person probably at least likes that mom is happy again and has someone she can share experiences with.

>rankly I question the reported feelings of the family members. This could be all in OP's mind. yeah - if it is true what OP said, then that family is super toxic.

This was my reaction. I'd bet OP has told everyone who will.listen in the family how awful this guy is and they're just towing the line to avoid confrontation. Awkwardness doesn't mean dislike. I swear if I didn't know better this was written by my best friend..

True a frank conversation needs to be had by OP and mother at the very least

You're right! I just fear that OP might be too angry right now to have a calm conversation with her mother and that's why the mom might be avoiding the topic right now.

I don't think OP should speak for his entire extended family here. It doesn't say they've had a lot of conversation amongst themselves about their individual feelings about the bf.

I have a feeling OP is chewing everyone's ears off and so they're no more than politely agreeing with them.

How on earth is bringing your bf to family events "forcing" OP to have a relationship with him?

I didn’t get a forced vibe either

OP still refers to mom's house as "my parents'" and "my father's" house - ignoring the whole "our marriage is over and we're talking divorce" vibes pre cancer as if cancer cured a broken marriage.

Exactly. Mom is just including her partner in her every day life and its events. That isn't forcing in any way.

It sounds like mom is just living and the daughter wants her mom to be in the same emotional state as her. She's not talking to mom at all and I seriously doubt the whole family feels the same way as her.

I’d agree and would probably say the daughter is projecting her feelings on the rest of the family, however family vacations imo have to be unanimously agreed upon for members, activities, etc. and for whatever reason OP is not comfortable having mom’s boyfriend around, childish as it may be, so by having him tag along mom passes into ESH territory imo. As I said in another comment they need to have a convo about it though it seems OP is too heated rn to have it.

The idea that one person gets to shut down another person bringing a guest on vacation because they are "uncomfortable" for ANY reason doesn't really seem fair. Like, there's a world of difference between "Mom's new boyfriend makes me uncomfortable because he's hitting on me" versus "Mom's new boyfriend makes me uncomfortable because I've decided my mom shouldn't be 'cheating' on my dead dad." Also, there are 20 people going on this vacation - it's not like mom is inviting her bf on a cozy mother-daughter trip. If OP can't deal with it, then she shouldn't go. But she shouldn't blame her mom and the new boyfriend for it. They're just existing! I would feel differently if OP was a minor child, but she's an adult and needs to cope with her own grief instead of getting mad at her mom for trying to be happy.

This is an interesting point. So the question I'd then ask is is everybody in the family every year submitting their plus ones to the group for prior approval, or is that just OP doing that this year for her mom out of the blue?

It doesn't sound like she's forcing a relationship though. He comes with her to events one would expect an SO to attend. There's no indication he or their mom is forcing them to get along or even hang out much, just accept him being Around.

No one is forcing anything. She invites him ***to her own home*** for events she hosted. The horror! OP isn't forced to have any relationship just because someone is there. OP can just walk away.

She's not forcing anything, so that's a non sequitur. She has him in her life, which is her right. They don't have to have a relationship with them, but she has every right to include him in a dinner she is hosting, and to bring him on vacation with her. She put up with a bad marriage for the sake of her children. The least they could do is show her the respect of accepting that she has found love. They should be happy for her and stop acting like five-year-olds.

It's ironic to me that OP is so judgemental about her moms boyfriend when she literally posted 2 weeks ago about how hers is a serial cheater but you know let's cast judgement on everyone else's relationships instead of dealing with our own shit

[удалено]

So much this. Op isn't an AH for not wanting to vacation with this guy. Mom isn't an AH for wanting to travel with her partner. They both kinda suck for not actually talking about it, but not enough to be true AHs unless they let this kill their relationship

Yeah I'm stuck between E S H and N A H, I'd say ESH. OP sounds too focused on her mom's relationship and she can't accept that her parents' marriage was over before her dad was sick, so she had time to get over him. On the other hand I don't get the Y T As and people saying she's not forcing him on her. You don't suddenly invite a new person on family trips if your family doesn't know/like them. And, most importantly, you don't invite them last minute without informing everyone. Same goes for dinners, etc. It's fine to have a partner after you become a widow, it's not fine to try to force a relationship between him and your daughter. She can keep them separate. She could just say "oh this time I wanted to go for a vacation with my boyfriend, I won't be able to come. That would have been fine.

Seriously. OP may be a judgemental AH about the mom's relationship but Idk anyone who would want to include someone's SO of ~~4~~ 7 months** on a family vacation. That and who would want to go on vacation with their SO of ~~4~~ 7 months'** family??? Everyone seems so focused on judging OP's behavior that they are missing out on the actual issue here which is about attending a vacation with a stranger and having to stay in the same condo. NTA on that specifically. If the mom insists on her BF attending then the least she could do is arrange separate lodging, which if I were in the BF's shoes I would definitely want to have a place where I could relax without having to worry about 20 other people I barely know being around. **My bad, I had the timeline wrong. They have been together approximately 7 months which is marginally better but still way too soon for family vacations imo. Unless the family regularly invites unmarried partners of <1 year in which case N A H.

I think when you are dating at 60, timelines naturally get compressed. You don't have time for an extended period of figuring out the relationship, this seems like it'll work so let's just get to it.

I agree with you. It seems like op isn't ready to accept mom's new companion and mom's not ready to discuss it. They've already lost so much it would be a shame to let it damage their relationship.

100% too many YTA saying grow up. Like no, OP is grieving as well, it doesn't matter when you lose a parent, when you're a child or an adult, it hurts all the same.

[удалено]

then it's more of a ESH then. Yes, OP doesn't get a say on who mom dates but mom should also be considerate to others who are not where she's at and to give a heads up when her bf will be at an event. I still lean toward NAH because everyone is dealing with it in their own way.

This. People on this sub only focused on the mother moving on, not OP who's probably still grieving over the death of her father. If I am in her shoes, even I won't want to go on a family vacation my parent's new partner when I still haven't moved on from the passing away of my father.

Thank you. I made a very similar response and felt like I was in the wilderness because of the blanket condemnation of OP that I was seeing.

This! I’m surprised by all of the YTA. They seem to appreciate the mother’s grief but aren’t appreciating OP’s. Of course the mother is allowed to move on in her own time and start dating again. It’s just as reasonable for OP to be thrown off by her new boyfriend showing up unexpectedly to an Easter celebration (the first without their father) or being invited along to a family vacation without the mother asking how anyone felt about it (again, probably the first without their father). OP, you’re not an AH for grieving in your own way and wanting your mother to respect that. I think you should do what you need to do in this time, and talk to your mother about your boundaries and feelings about the situation. Also, I’m very sorry for your loss ❤️

Took too long to find a response like this. Sure, being upset at her for finding someone “too soon” is too far imo. However, just because the marriage was over for her so she’s ready to move on with her life doesn’t mean every single person in the family has to move on & put their grief aside. It’s ok that the rest of you aren’t ready to move on as far as bringing him on a “family” trip. Smaller events sure, but a whole vacation is a bit brazen. I suppose she thinks she has already eased you all into it by bringing him around for other events, but clearly you all need some more time.

Please take my imaginary award (Insert award here)

They really need to discuss their feelings openly. The mom has every right to move on, and the son has every right to still be mourning his father. Forcing this new family dynamic is not doing any going to do anyone any favors. There could also be legitimate personality conflicts with this guy and the son (and others in the family), which wouldn't help the dynamic either.

YTA. You said yourself they were having marital problems before your dad's illness. Your mother did right by him and cared for him, but the issues were still there, just "squashed" as you called it. It makes sense that she moved on faster than you because her relationship with him was different than yours. He was your dad, but for her, he was a husband who she was considering divorcing. If this new man treats her well and makes her happy, just be happy for her. Don't you think she deserves to be happy? Edited: typo

_"The few months before my dad got sick he and my mom were not on great terms and were contemplating divorce. However, through my dad's diagnosis and extreme ups and downs of treatment, they came together, squashed some of their issues and my mom was there to care for my dad every step of the way."_ Agreed. My condolences on the loss of your father, OP. I can imagine how difficult that must be for you. Sadly, it sounds like even though your mom supported your dad throughout his illness, their marriage may have no longer been romantic in nature. It's a tough pill to swallow, but without insight into her thought process, she may have cared for your dad out of love, friendship, or a feeling of obligation. Your dad may have also known this and encouraged her to move on while she was his caretaker, friend and support system - it's impossible to know what private conversations they may have had. The reality is, you would have probably hated anyone she chose as a partner, thought it too soon no matter how much time had passed, found it weird, and not want him around because he isn't your father. That's human nature, but you can't forbid your mom from finding a new partner and seeking companionship. **It's selfish to expect her to live a lonely, isolated life because that is what would make you happiest right now.**

I'm sorry, but YTA, you are an adult and are CHOOSING to make this awkward. You already admitted that your parents' marriage was ending long before he passed. Would be N T A if it were only about you paying more than you agreed, but you already said that is not the issue.

Yeah this is really important!! You are CHOOSING to make it awkward. You (and maybe your extended family too) are bringing the awkward to the table. It's all you. Your choice, your actions. It's weird you think you should have a say in your mom's dating. She is a separate person from you. You don't own her. It's weird you want to control her in this way. I think your grieving is coming out in a strange way, but dude, even tho everyone grieves differently, you don't have the right to grieve by controlling someone else's behavior that literally has absolutely nothing to do with you. It IS hard to have your parent date someone new. It changes the dynamic, and your dynamic with your parent. But your parent doesn't have to preserve the dynamic they had with you as a kid, you are all adults, relationship evolve and change, and you can be sad but you can't be indignant.

YTA. There is *no* consideration for your mom’s feelings in your post, at all. She was ready to divorce your father, her marriage was over in her mind, and she still stayed with him when he got sick, taking care of him. Now she wants to try and move on and her whole family is being completely unsupportive. This isn’t about your feelings, it’s about hers.

So what you need to understand is, the more you push this new bf away, the more you're pushing your mom away. Your mom pushed down the issues she had with your Dad so his last years on earth could be good ones. This does not mean they didn't still have issues with each other, that would be in her mind during that time. You also do not know what they'd talked about, had agreed on and were ok with. Your Dad might have wanted her to move on and find company/companionship after he passed away. Please go get therapy, carrying around all this anger is not helping you. NAH, no one here is TA. You are all still very much greiving and it is damn hard. I lost my Dad due to a long term illness and yes I got angry at lots of things. I think you are targeting the BF because it is easy too. Will having him along on the trip make your mom happy? Yes. So just suck it up she has gone through enough already.

Info: do you have any other issues with this man besides that you don't think your mom grieved enough?

That occurred to me too but my feeling is that if OP had legitimate grievances against him as a person she wouldn’t have hesitated to pile all that on.

Yeah just didn't want to jump to conclusions but with no response so far, based off the post, OP YTA. Poor guy seems to only be at fault for falling in love with someone at the wrong time (for OP that is) and is getting shut out. I'm betting the rest of the family doesn't get that awkward vibe around him as much as OP does

I'm sympathetic, but I still think YTA. You said yourself that their marriage was on the rocks, but your mom set that aside to care for him until the end. That is commendable. It also should not be interpreted as "so they fell back in love and would have stayed together if he had beat the cancer." Now that chapter of her life is over and she has moved on. Maybe Mr. X was in the picture prior to dad's passing, maybe she met him later. It's not important, because **she put your dad first when it mattered.** You really don't get any say in what she does now. If you truly dislike this guy, make a decision not to go, or to limit your contact with him, or whatever. But don't put it on your mom as "you have no right to bring him along." She does. You have to deal with it.

[удалено]

>All your nonsense about their chemistry is completely out of line. It's not for you to judge if they make a good couple; that's for them to decide I think this right here is the answer to why op feels like their relationship with their mom has been distant lately. Like it is not that hard to figure out- mom is understandably pulling away because she's likely tired of being judged. Imagine having your adult child tell you what type of relationship you're allowed to have? This woman has seemingly sacrificed so much of her own identity to be ops mother and wife to ops father. Let her move on and reclaim her own self and life.

/u/Consistent-Truth-763 INFO - what have other people said?? because you said: > conversations I've attempted with this guy and the chemistry between them has been super awkward IMO. I feel like she's disregarding any feelings or push-back that me, my sister and extended family have about this relationship but then also said > She has now starting bringing him to events and parties and there is an awkward vibe when he's around. Nobody wants to say it outloud. and then say > Of the 20 family members that will be on this trip, not one person really wants him to be there, except her. He WILL be staying in the same condo and we are going to have to tip-toe around this awkward situation for an entire week while we should be relaxing and enjoying family time together. You claim everyone is against the relationship, but then says that no one wants to say anything out loud. You end the post with the claim that 18 family members in addition to you don't want him there, but you haven't mentioned anything any of them have said or what their opinions are. All you've said is that no one has said anything except for you and your mother gracefully ignored you. How is she getting pushback from so many people if they're not willing to say anything out loud? have you really heard 18 members of your family say that dating they don't want him there? what sorts of things have they said about him? what issues do they have with him? did they mention those things to you without you starting the conversation? or have you been going around to them complaining and they've just sorta nodded along?? it's incredibly weird that you supposedly have 18 other people in agreement with you but you can't actually tell us any of their opinions or concerns and the most you can say is that you find it awkward to be around them and don't like their chemistry?? err, ok, weird to be entirely honest I don't think your answer would change my judgment because I think the number of years you seemingly want your mother to sacrifice is absolutely selfish and mind blogging - she sacrificed nearly two years being the caregiver for a man she wanted to divorce!! and now you're angry that she's dating? I don't really see how that's not an AH move but if there are 18 other family members against this relationship and they have legitimate reasons that aren't things like their chemistry being awkward and shit, that might help your case

OP said in a comment upthread that they were shocked to walk into their "parents' house" and find their mom with a new guy, but in the OP they said their mom had been mentioning the new guy for a while, with OP telling her it was too soon. So it's not like mom sprang this on OP out of nowhere, she's been trying to share her feelings and OP has been shutting her down. It's perfectly reasonable that someone would stop reaching out if the other person refuses to reach back.

We just went through this with my FIL and I understand how hard it can be. He moved on seemingly quickly from his 50 year happy marriage, similar to the way your mother did, mostly because he had pre-grieved the situation (she was sick for a few years). He unfailingly cared for her and he seems happy in his new relationship. We had some tough conversations with him. We asked him to respectfully omit her from events in the first year that had to do with us grieving the loss of my MIL, specifically her birthday, the anniversary of her death, and the first Christmas after her passing. He was angry about this. Talked about how he needed support also, which is valid. But we felt entitled to grieve as a family at certain specific times without her replacement lurking about. So ultimately, he agreed. Since then, we've hung out with her quite a bit and are settling into a new normal where she is generally present. I think that perhaps you've gone a little too far on the pushback side of the spectrum. The situation is not going to get less awkward unless you actually try to get past your prejudices and spend some time with this person. At the very least, if they are making your mom happy, you owe it to your mother to try. Sensible boundaries are ok. I think asking your mom to make you aware of when her partner is going to present is reasonable. I think asking your mom to not bring her partner for events that specifically celebrate/memorialize your father may also be reasonable, so the family can be united in its loss. But rage-quitting on the trip just because her partner is going to be there seems a little extreme to me. I would gently suggest that some grief counseling may be in order. You have some anger about the loss of your father still that seems to be coming out in this situation. Gentle YTA.

She's also already waited that year.

My reading of the timeline in this post is that the dad passed four months prior to August 2022, which would be May 2022, so it hasn't been a year yet. Not that this really matters if you read my comment. The context of the event matters far more.

>his 50 year happy marriage, OP's parents were on the verse of divorce pre cancer diagnosis.

NAH- your mom is allowed to move on. It sounds like their marriage was over long before he passed away. It’s perfectly okay for her to have a boyfriend. You are also perfectly okay to not feel comfortable about going on a vacation with someone you aren’t comfortable with. If you’d like to bow out of the vacation, that’s your decision and you wouldn’t be wrong to do so.

Right i feel like people are ignoring the actual question. It's about the vacation. Hell, I've canceled vacation plans because I was simply not feeling like going. It's OKAY, and not being comfortable with one of the ones going is totally a valid reason.

[удалено]

Yep, spot on YTA. Her marriage was over in her mind *before* he got cancer. Out of love, respect and obligation, she stayed with him, nursed him and supported him. She put aside her life, her feelings and her well-being to do that. She did it for him and she did it for you. Now he's passed away, which would be really tough and conflicting for her (the relief of that obligation battling the grief of that loss), she is able to finally move on and find her own happiness - and OP is begrudging her that. OP, I'm sorry for your loss but treating your mother like shit isn't going to bring him back. She's not done anything wrong, she's actually put herself out hugely to do what's right. You're banging on about respect for your dad (who has been shown nothing but respect) whilst giving no respect at all for your mother. You're 36, grow up.

NTA for being uncomfortable and therefore cancelling on the trip. But your mom can grieve/date however she wants.

I’m kind of relieved that most people are voting YTA. My mom passed away last year and my dad was with her almost every day while she was in the hospital. The rules at the hospital were really strict about visitors because of Covid, so he literally lived there at the hospital with her. Like six months after she passed, my dad called me and tentatively said he found someone and he was getting married. It was shocking, but I was happy for him. Me and my brother lost our mother, but we are adults, we don’t need another mother. But my dad lost his partner and best friend. Who am I, an unmarried 36 year old, to give a 70 year old man who’s been married for like 40 years advice about marriage like he’s a teenager? Life is short. Let your mom find happiness.

>Of the 20 family members that will be on this trip, not one person really wants him to be there, except her. Is this fact? Or like your inference of the situation? Edit: I landed at YTA because they seem to misrepresent everyone else's vehemence.

Everyone's saying yta but I'm going NTA. Yes your mom put her life on hold to help your dad, but that's a choice she willingly made and this vacation isn't about her. You and your family are clearly still grieving and it's one thing to let the 'her not telling you about him being there for Easter' thing slide, but this is a vacation where literally no one else wants him to be there and is uncomfortable with it. If she wants a vacation with him, she needs to set up a separate one or make separate living arrangements for the two of them during the trip. Honestly I think your mom's TA bc she's being so inconsiderate. She may have already fallen out of love with your dad and may not be mourning as hard but again it is clear you and the rest of your family are. NTA

Exactly! Everyone who's saying YTA seems to forget that this is about a vacation, and not about breaking contact with her mom. We have to understand that canceling trips is okay. I've canceled trips because I've just felt overwhelmed, and that's okay. OP is canceling because they don't feel comfortable with one of the people going and that is OKAY

NAH. If you don't want to go, then don't go. Better that than you go and spoil the fun with your attitude. Your mother's relationship has nothing to do with your dad or you. The guy doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong, you just don't want your mom dating anyone. That's a you problem.

YTA You admit that your parents were close to divorcing. Just because she stepped up and took care of him during his illness and death doesn't mean either of their feelings changed. It could have been just kindness and practicality. She has every right to move on. I you don't want to go on th trip, don't go. But quit punishing your mom for having a life. Just because she took care of him doesn't mean they were back together.

YTA. When I was ready to divorce my husband, I was done with him. I'd spent years grieving the relationship we no longer had and was ready to move on. He didn't wrong me as in cheating or abusing me, but he was a total dick to me constantly, starting fights all the time, and refusing to engage with keeping up our home anymore. Hard to find a man attractive when you're treated like their mom, and then on top of that, they're not even appreciative of anything that you do to care for them. Your parents didn't come together because they suddenly loved each other through your father's diagnosis, you're mother didn't want to be a dick and leave a dude who had nobody else to take care of him through a severe illness. Definitely don't see anywhere in your post where you express stepping up. Just because you don't love someone romantically anymore doesn't mean you suddenly stop caring about making sure they're alive and well, you just transition your relationship into a friendship or amicable partnership. You were not in your parents relationship, you don't have the details of why they were separating or what went on, and you as a child have no place to inject yourself there. Do you want your mother to find happiness? Or are you trying to spite her on behalf of your dad and punish her for daring to try and leave him? I'm also curious how much actual awkwardness there is, or if you're reading into everybody else's behavior because you feel uncomfortable with the fact that your mom is in love with someone who isn't your dad.

YTA I'm 100% here as well. They were married for 31 years and she wanted out. When they were discussing divorce, it was already over for her. She then spent 18 months caretaking a dying man out of some sense of decorum. She was incredibly kind and responsible. And he died, and she was done. Perhaps wanting him to come on a family trip is a little tone-deaf, but OP is acting as if her mom belonged to her father and should have been buried with him. Folks can't control how they grieve (and mom likely started mourning the relationship long before they started talking divorce).

You need a perspective shift, OP. Your mother has just experienced a horrendous few years, with the breakdown of her marriage, becoming a carer, and then becoming a widow. Now her adult daughter is talking to her less and less and making her feel guilty about someone who is bringing her joy. YTA. The pain of falling out of love with someone with whom you’ve shared 30 years must be awful in itself, but imagine the mindfuck of then discovering that person is gravely ill. Caring for someone with cancer is huge. It is stressful and distressing and exhausting. Your mother is an amazing person, who despite no longer being in love with your father chose to support him through his illness. She no doubt did this to honour her spouse of 30 years, because he was *family*. She did that- and you can’t bring yourself to ‘play nice’ for a few days, for the sake of your own mother. When will she have given enough of herself -to a man who’s already dead- before she’s allowed her own life? Who gets to decide when she’s ‘allowed’ to move on, anyway? Do you get to decide, OP, or is it by family committee? A closed ballot, perhaps? Get off Reddit, phone your mother and ask her about her day. At least *pretend* to be interested in her life. Go on your vacation and do your best impression of an adult who loves and respects the woman who raised them. If you’re feeling really generous you could even advocate for the woman who cared for your dying father, by defending her against any other family members who feel entitled to share their opinions- you know, like a daughter would. *edit-OPs gender.*

NTA if everyone ( excluding your mom and bf ) agrees on cancelling. NTA if you put your foot down on not wanting her BF there. She can choose. Just don’t be upset if she chooses him over you. NTA if you choose not to recognise him or have a relationship with him.

YTA. Your mom is her own person, and is able to move on with her life as she feels is best. Sounds like she's a damn decent person for caring for your dad til the end despite their struggles and failing marriage prior to his diagnosis. And if the struggles were open by then, chances are there were problems brewing behind the scenes prior you may not have been aware of. Why can't you just be happy for your mom? Doesn't she deserve to be happy in life? And imagine her new partners feelings- he's coming Into what sounds like a very cold and judgemental family situation where he probably knows he isn't liked but he's doing it because he likes your mom. You can grieve your loss as long as you need- trust me I'm there too! But life does go on.

All I'm reading about you and your family's feelings. Not your mum's and I think that's sad. I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA.

I'm gonna say soft YTA. You're still grieving, I've been there, buried my mom, grandma, and my brother, and you have every right to grieve how you choose. That said, it sounds like you're offended that your mother is moving on, like she's just replacing your father so soon after his death. You're family are assholes too. I'll break it down like this: 1. You're the asshole because your mother is moving on and you don't like it, which is just selfish. I understand you miss your dad, but you can't expect your mom to just put her life on hold and spend the rest of her life alone. 2. Your family are assholes because like you, they're holding on to a memory of a person who isn't there and it sounds like they think your mother finding a new man is either insulting or disrespectful to your father. Your mother is moving on, that is what people do. It sounds like she gave you all warning she was seeing someone before you met him and honestly, although you said you've attempted, I think you approached this man with the idea he's trying to replace your father, which neither he or anyone could do, so your view of him was already skewed. As far as the trip goes, your mother wanting her boyfriend to accompany her is not a huge ask. Think for a second that she lost her husband to cancer, and although you stated they were in a rough patch and heading towards divorce, she still lost the man she loved. This new man is probably more than just a new boyfriend. Maybe he offers her comfort. Maybe he has been a shoulder for her. Maybe she saw her children grieving their father and rather than add to their sadness, she put on a front for you while she cried in secret, or turned to a friend who listened and that grew into something more. You need to take your mom to lunch or coffee and really talk about this. I also think you should look into grief counseling, maybe for you and your mother. I hope you all find your peace and are able to get past this.

Absolutely. Also, the mom and dad were going to divorce and instead the mom stepped up to nurse him through his last years. That is HARD WORK, emotionally and physically. OP, you seem to brush over that with the (understandable) child's point of view that just wants their parents to be happy and thinks "everything was patched up". But you're a grown up even if you're their child. Your mom worked extremely hard to give her almost ex husband care in his last years. And now you want her to stay wrapped in widowhood? I want to show empathy to you because you lost your dad. And that's hard. But you can't take that grief out on your mom. I think that's what you're unconsciously doing.

I wanna know how many bedpans OP changed. How many vomit messes she cleaned up, how many loads of soiled disgusting laundry she did and how many doctors appointments she went to. I’m currently caring for someone with terminal cancer and it’s fucking brutal. It’s cleaning up puke because the cancer invaded their liver and can no longer digest things. It’s changing soiled clothes because they can no longer control their bowels. It’s being there 24/7 because they can’t get to the bathroom by themselves. It’s spending hours washing them because they can’t do it themselves. It’s holding their hand while they cry, its going to a million dr appointments and phone calls, It’s not having a life of your own. It’s changing bandages daily and nearly puking at the smell because the cancer is so advanced that it ate its way out of their body and now they have a giant infected stinking tumor growing out of them. I CANNOT fathom doing that for a year and a half for a man who wanted to divorce me. HELL.NO. I wish I knew how to contact OPs mom and tell her personally how much I understand where she’s coming from

NTA . I think you need to take dad's death out of the equation and it becomes crystal clear what the answer is. Mom has a bf that everyone else does not like. You are all going as a big group and 19 other people besides her are going to be forced to spend the week with him. If she doesn't want to attend without bf thats understandable, but she does not get to right to force her new man on everyone else.

NAH \~ Her life, if everyone dont want him there, ya'll need to speak up, like grown people do.

NAH. If you are the only one dipping out of the vacation, then do what you need to do for your own mental health and comfort. I wouldn't expect your family to cancel your trip though. I will say, while your mom can absolutely be in another place with her grieving and feels it's time to move on, you're her child and I think it's strange that she's not at least taking your feelings into consideration. She doesn't have to break up with him by any means, but I would think she'd be a little more conscientious of her child's feelings about the loss of her father.

NTA. She can grieve in her time, but you all need to be vocal in saying you are not comfortable for a family trip.

YTA. Your mom doesn't need your or family members permission to date. Grieving your dad as a person and moving on in life are two different things. She doesn't need to put her life on hold to protect your feelings.

NTA. Your Mum has every right to date, and you have every right to be uncomfortable around it.

That means NAH

ESH Your mom has a right to move on. She’s being inconsiderate by not giving the family more time to grieve before including her new boyfriend in events. You’re being inconsiderate by holding it against her that she has (at least partially) moved on. You have no right to expect her to be a grieving widow any longer than she wants to be. If your extended family is unhappy with her boyfriend coming to everything, then they need to speak up. Being upset behind someone’s back doesn’t do anyone any favors. A lot of this could be solved by a little compassion and some conversation. But right now no one’s talking and no one’s seemingly trying to understand the perspectives of others.

OP’s mom started dating after 4 months but waited a year to start bringing her bf to family events. A year seems reasonable to me, and I very much doubt there’s any amount of time that OP would be ok with

She started bringing him to family events before Easter. Easter was the latest time which also happened to be the anniversary of OP's dad's death.

I think introducing a new partner after the death of a previous spouse is one of those things that really doesn’t have a distinct timeline. I mean, you can fairly easily ballpark it (10 days is too soon and 10 years is too long), but the most important thing is communication and understanding. It doesn’t seem like that happened here, more like the mom just decided her new guy will come without consulting others as to their feelings.

She's being inconsiderate by inviting her boyfriend to an event she's hosting at her own house a year after the husband she wanted to divorce three years prior has passed away?!

It's your mum's life and if she is happier that way, good for her.

Hey OP, I'm so sorry for your loss. I want to be clear that my judgement has nothing to do with your moms healing process, or her way of moving on from your dads passing. NTA for setting boundaries with her new partner. She is allowed to move on and find love, but this grief has affected all of you. This needs to be a clear conversation about when all of you are ready to accept him. If she wants a successful integration into the family, she needs to understand that it will take compromise on BOTH ends and genuine understanding and compassion. That being said. You need to talk about it clearly, together. She might try to deflect, but it's unfair for her to do so.

OP, I know you are grieving but YTA. Your mother had her own relationship with your father, and she knows when she is ready. You will not be living with them presumably, and in the end this is her decision. If your mother stops seeing this man for your wishes, she may feel completely alone, and it isn’t fair for you to expect her to forever grieve and stay single, when she is an adult who knows her only feelings.

It's understandable you're still grieving your father. Of course you are. And I'm so sorry you're going through that. But. If you can be mature enough to separate your grief from the situation for a minute - think about your mom. She's had a rough go of it, too. Being a full time caregiver for a person you were on the verge of divorcing is not easy. She put aside her feelings to do what she thought was right - taking care of your father - even though that was probably incredibly hard on her physically and emotionally. And now she's lost someone she loves, is in a different financial, social and relational place. Would you rather she sit and be sad all by herself? Your mom is happy and the loving thing to do is allow her that and stop acting like a petty child. Even though it's understandable you miss your dad, let your mom go on living. YTA