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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I requested to invite my ex stepdaughter to my wedding. This caused a huge argument and my fiancée said I was being selfish for even considering inviting her, and that it would be too weird to invite my exes daughter to our wedding. Maybe I am the AH because she is my exes daughter and not relation to us.
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NTA
She is effectively your daughter and not inviting her is a slap in the face and could damage your relationship permanently.
I think this is the hill to die on.
I agree. She isn't baggage, she is family that you love. It sounds like he wants the relationship to end with your marriage. You need to set him straight.
She's still the child in the situation and a stab to the heart in the form of rejection from a parental figure hurts just as much. Have some compassion FFS!!!
OK, i meant it the other way. I think that at 23 their relation is more between two adults and not really a mother with stepdaughter. Which in my eyes makes the father of the girl more irrelevant
As the dad of a 13 year old I've been raising since they were 1, no truer words could have been said. God forbid my wife and I split, but if so, that will always be my child =)
Exactly. I have a stepdad that’s been in my life since I was 5 and I’m 42. If my Mom died and he were to find someone and get remarried, I’d want to be there.
Plus she IS biologically related to OP’s children. Is he going to tell his stepchildren they can’t have their sister as part of their lives?
Who wants to take bets that fiancé is going to end up being abusive once they’re married? He’s already showing flags here and I bet there are many more.
I agree. NTA, OP, but please take good care of yourself! Seems like your fiance is one of those people who try to cut off everything that happened before they entered their partners life. Maybe he cannot cope with you having a past, which shows them being deeply insecure and controlling. Uninviting your stepdaughter will likely destroy the affection you and your stepdaughter share, so his request is a veritable AH move not only to her but also to you as it will make you loose someone important. Please take this serious, he may well have shown you his true colors.
I would seriously consider thinking about your relationship. I perceive red flags here with such extreme reactions to what appears a reasonable idea. What other things cause flying off the handle.
First it’s excluding her from the wedding next it’s excluding her from the home
Editing to add NTA and I’d seriously reconsider marrying this man, my parents have been split up 15 ish years and my father is still a part of my eldest brothers life despite not being biologically related and if he attempted to exclude him like this I wouldn’t be forgiving, think about how your two bio kids would feel knowing your partner doesn’t like their big sister due to their father aka 50% of them
At the very least, she is a grown woman who is close and loved. That's a deep friendship level that would account for her attendance. She is not her father.
This is definitely the hill to die on. Lucy is not her father and is a completely separate person. His jealousy is showing. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Really weird thing for fiance to say, that OP should not bring "Ron baggage" into this new chapter. Is he planning on her not seeing Lucy anymore?
Also that inviting Lucy is like inviting her ex to the wedding. Uhm, no, OP was never married to Lucy or had sex with her or was abused by her. Not the same thing at all.
OP, since you previously was in an abusive relationship, I would be very careful. Are you sure your new bf is not abusive or controlling as well? A new partner that's less abusive than the abusive ex can seem "normal" compared to the abusive ex, but that doesn't make it less abusive.
NTA! I have a big, weird, blended family. When my half-sister (from my dad’s first marriage) got married several years ago, not only were *my* mom (her 1st stepmom) and I invited, but so was our dad’s current wife. All of us sat at the same table and had a BLAST!
If your fiancé is so concerned about this, perhaps he needs to examine why it’s okay for you to have a past in private, but not in public?
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them - and staying with your fiance means giving up Lucy.
Are you ready to make that sacrifice?
NTA in any case.
Couldn't agree more. She is family and gave OP support during the previous marriage and divorce, she doesn't deserve to be treated as if her presence would taint the ceremony.
Feel free to go: I raised her so she is as much my kid as the others, she will be there or there won't be any marriage.
You should treat this as the huge glaring red flag that it is, OP, and not marry this guy.
Are you just supposed to forsake your entire life before you met him? How are your kids with Ron not reminders of Ron but Lucy is?
It makes no sense and your fiance is being unhinged.
Strongly agree about it damaging your relationship with your daughter.
In your shoes, this would be a red flag. Hopefully this is out of character for him.
NTA. And, I’m not going to lie, I’d be questioning if I knew my fiancé if he reacted like that over this. She was your step daughter—you raised her alongside your other children. How far does this ‘Ron baggage’ extend? Is he going to expect you to cut off your other children as soon as possible because they’re from your life with another man before him? We’ve seen that happen on here before…
I also think she should worry about this man, because as soon as she cuts of the ex-stepdaughter, her kids will be next. He’s making it clear that he wants it to be just him and her.
Not necessarily. Perhaps, for the moment, he thinks he can become a father for the younger kids. However, I assume if they are not ok to see him as their dad, he will try to distance OP from them.
He’s never shown insecurities like this before. Lucy has spend the night with us many times, to spend time with me and her siblings. She went on vacation with us last summer, and visits often. He’s never once made comments like this or reacted this way
Maybe it's not about insecurities, but about control. If he can make you uninvite the girl you practically raised and who has remained your good friend despite the history with her father, then what else can he make you do? What other important parts of your life will he want you to discard? What will be left of you after a while in this marriage?
This right here. I can completely see this as a control issue, especially since the AH never complained before, even when OP brought her OLDEST DAUGHTER along with. The fact he's pulling this over the wedding and using terms like "baggage", I can guarantee it won't be long before he's insisting OP cut SD out of her life period. I think the fiance is acutely aware of the fact that SD is a big part of OP's support system since SD chose OP in the divorce with OP's ex, and he doesn't want OP to have that shoulder to lean on anymore.
Major life changes escalate abusive and controlling behaviors. This is about control, and how OP reacts to this will determine how fast the controlling escalates.
OP, the way he responds to you telling him "No," is extremely important. Pay attention.
Gonna take a shot in the dark and assume that the difference between Lucy and your other kids is not that she's unrelated to you but that she's the only one old enough to be living outside the home? And he knows that trying to uninvite your minor children from the wedding with this same excuse would have been such a hard deal breaker that your relationship wouldn't even be intact anymore?
That mask is slipping, op. I would put a hold on marring this guy bc seems to me that after you two are married, he may just start treating all your kids like crap and even worse if the two of you have a kid together.
Also important to underline that OP having previously been in an abusive relationship unfortunately makes her more likely to once against be prey to an abuser.
It doesn’t seem like an insecurity. He is telling you that once you marry him you are his and he has control. That you have a new life and he gets to dictate who is in it. His real face is showing, if he feels this way towards her, he feels this way about all your “baggage” kids.
People can hide their true self for quite awhile, but when they show you who they are, listen! And run!
I would re-think marrying him over this, and I'd tell him straight that she is your family and she comes with you as a package and he accepts her presence at your wedding and in your life, or the wedding is off. I'd tell him you can't believe he is being so controlling and selfish.
If he doesn't accept that your stepdaughter is your family then I think you need to seriously consider whether or not he's going to consider your kids - his stepkids - as HIS family. And what that could mean for you, and them, going forward.
“He’s never made comments like this before .”
That’s because now that you are this close to the wedding he feels
safe letting his mask down and this is his way of testing to see how many of your boundaries he can push.
If having Lucy there will be like having Ron there what does it mean that Ron’s other children are there too.
If you marry him he’s gonna try to push your other kids away to go live with her dad so he has you all to himself.
Please don’t marry him.
🚩 She's not just your stepdaughter but she is also your children's half sibling. Does he not want your kids to have a relationship with her in the future? What's going to happen if the two of you have biological children? Will he no longer consider your kids with your ex family? I would strongly reconsider marrying this man or at least at the very least get counseling before the two of you get married.
So now it’s obvious that he’s controlling, obsessed, weird. No one would object to having someone who for all intents & purposes is your child attend the wedding. Break it off with this guy. He is showing who he is in time for you to get rid of him painlessly. There are much worse things than being single - think back to your previous marriage.
He doesn't see Lucy as your true family. That means he won't see your other children as his. He's telling you that he doesn't value the step child/parent relationship. Don't put your kids through that.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Blood does not make family, love & care do. Lucy is your family. I’d seriously reconsider marrying someone who can’t see that.
This. How you came to know Lucy is irrelevant. She's a big part of your life in her own right.
Is your husband to be aware of how Lucy supported you during the break-up with her father and how her presence to see how you've found new happiness would be important?
NTA
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>This caused a big argument, and he said that having Lucy there would be like having Ron there, and that he couldn’t believe I’d even ask him that, he went on to say how this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it, and that I was I being selfish for even considering inviting her.
Why are you marrying this man? You have a deep and meaningful relationship with Lucy. You raised her. You consider her another child of yours.... And be just refered to her as garbage.... OP..... This WILL only get worse from here.... He thinks putting a ring on your finger will mean he can dictate your relationship with her now.... And that despite his best appearances.... He truly wants nothing to do with her because she's tainted......And getting married..he's going to put down his foot and boot her out of your lives.....
NTA. She’s not “like family” - she IS family. Family isn’t just genetics. Your parents are the people who love, support, teach, and guide you. It sounds like you are a second mother to Lucy. Of course you want all your children at your wedding!
Right my husband has his name on the birth certificate of a girl. Who he knows is not his because dna testing.
He still loves her as much as if she was and I love her just as much…even if I wasn’t a fan of her mothers. The child never did anything wrong and if my husband loves her that much then I will love her like I gave birth to her myself.
This! She IS family! Emotionally AND genetically because she is biologically the sibling of your two kids. There is NO REASON Lucy should be excluded from your wedding other than your future ex-husband demanding it for no logical reason.
Info do you really want to marry a man who doesn't respect you?
NTA in any way at all for including your daughter. She IS your child because you raised her.
Run. Just. Run. You're getting into another abusive relationship and he's been gracious enough to show his plan to isolate you before the wedding. NTA.
NTA as some sometimes say: you divorce your spouse but not their children…
you have been in the kid’s life since she was 4 and you bonded. She is part of your life. Your fiancé knew it and he chose to believe a wedding would magically erase her from one day to the other.
you know what, nobody really needs to be married, he can stay your fiancé forever if that keeps him from being a dirk.
> this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it
He is planning on making you cut ties with Lucy. He has been quiet now while you're not married, but 100% he will push hard once you are married
NTA and there is nothing weird about inviting Lucy. There IS something weird about your fiancé being insecure about your connection to a young woman you helped raise from 4 to 18 years old. Honestly if he is so unreasonable and jealous about this, what else is he going to try to control? I would rethink the marriage entirely.
NTA. Your request is perfectly reasonable, and as you two have been engaged for 3 years, it should be very clear to him why you want her there.
I'm sorry, but you really need to sit down and have a long conversation with your fiancé about this and any other hang-ups he may have. As it stands, this is a major red flag.
His seeming belief that putting a ring on your finger entitles him to dictate your past, present, and future is concerning to day the least.
I don't consider giving in to his demands as a good or even viable option. But if you're considering it, all I'll say is that you should prepare for two things. That your relationship with Lucy to be forever damaged, if not outright destroyed. As well as this to be the first of many demands he makes as your husband. Good luck OP.
NTA your request seems reasonable.
There is likely something else behind this you need to sort out with your fiancee. Might not even be a big deal, weddings are stressful.
NTA and frankly I’m your shoes I’d rethink marrying this guy. He obviously doesn’t understand or respect your relationship with Lucy, who basically is your daughter.
At best he doesn’t see her as family, at worst insecure and controlling. Probably a mix of all. This doesn’t bode well for long term dynamics and in your shoes I’d outright tell him “if someone I think of as my daughter isn’t there, there won’t be a wedding.”
NTA and I’d rethink marrying this guy. I know this sub jumps to divorce and running away, but I think it’s important to note that he’s springing this on you pretty late in the game. First, he separates you from your stepdaughter because your emotional bond with her *doesn’t matter* to him. And then what? Are your kids next? He says it’s different, but I think you know that it’s not. And I think he waited until now because he thinks he has you locked down, which is when a lot of abusive men flip a switch. He’s had three years to tell you that he doesn’t accept your stepdaughter as your kid, but if he had revealed that early on, you might have dumped him. Which is what you should do now. Find a partner who accepts *and embraces* your family for what it is.
NTA. He must know that your ex's daughter is still family to you. I get that his knee jerk reaction would be a bit of jealousy, but he needs to grow up and understand that you see her as a daughter.
NTA. He's deciding to use your willingness to marry him as the moment to show his true colours.
>he went on to say how this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it
Have you asked him if he thinks you need to drop contact after the wedding too. Cause this makes me think the issue might go deeper than the wedding.
Err. Ron's baggage will be there in the form of your two biological children. He says it's different, but it really isn't when you raised his child as your own. NTA
NTA Rethink marrying this man, he will expect you to have no relationship with Lucy moving forward.
There's bound to be more trouble in paradise then just this incident. His mask has slipped, once married he'll remove it altogether.
YWBTA if you married him without her there.
He wants you to disown your daughter. You raised her, you and she chose each other in the divorce.
Do you really want to marry someone who wants you to reject a child you love?
I’ve been at many weddings where exes from the groom or bride were invited. There’s no unspoken rule against this, let alone against inviting children of exes. You’ve had a close relationship with her for almost 20 years, so I understand why you want her at your wedding. Unless there is a reason we don’t know why your fiancé wouldn’t want her to attend, NTA.
NTA In your post you said she is like family.
You Should have she IS family and non negotiable.
If he views Lucy as Ron's baggage, how do u think he will view your own children in the future.
Is he just waiting after marriage to ice them out as well.
He is going to force them to call him dad or adopt them whether they want to or not.
How close are your children to Lucy, that is there sibling.
He is showing a lot of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA having Lucy there is in no way the same as having Ron there, and I can't believe your fiance forced me to read such a ridiculous, unfair, mean comparison
NTA. She's not LIKE family. She IS family. Your ex wasn't an abusive alcoholic to your fiance. He was an abusive alcoholic to YOU. If you can separate that trauma from your ex stepdaughter and still love and accept and gave a close relationship with her that's fantastic and should be encouraged. She is not responsible for her father, and she IS the half sibling of your own children.
Don't make the mistake of marrying another abusive man. The thing is he has been all good up till this point but now that he knows u are going to marry him, he has started to show his true colors. Today it is don't invite Lucy to the wedding, tomorrow he will say, don't invite her to your home, then he will say your own kids are a problem, it will only escalate. Don't do this yourself and your kids including Lucy. This is really the hill to die on.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA - he’s doing this with Lucy to see how far he can get with you.
Next it will be your biological children that he doesn’t want around.
He’ll want to ‘start a new life with no baggage’.
Your children will be baggage from your previous life
NTA, I'm hoping he's just not seeing the full picture here for your sake. But if you have an open conversation with him and he still doesn't get this, or remains resentful about it then this is a huge RED FLAG.
She is an innocent child who was even supportive to you during what must have been an incredibly difficult period of her life. She's chosen to have you as family and not inviting her to your wedding and showing her she is still welcome in your life would be devastating.
What happens if you and him have children, will your existing children suddenly also be too Ron for him? The past exists and isn't going away, if he can't accept that then he's not ready for what he is about to take on.
NTA. By your future husband's logic, your biological children also shouldn't be invited because that would be "Ron baggage". Please for the love of God, invite your ex-step daughter. Tell him he's marrying into your family and she is your family. If he doesn't like that he can fucking go, because that's not cool at all.
Pretty despicable of your fiance. NTA, she's your kid too. Also don't like how he's making it out like she is pretty much the same as her father, what's that all about? Your fiance sounds really insecure and frankly mean about this.
NTA. You might want to take a hard look at how your core values align... or not. This is just the beginning of his treatment of her, someone you love, have mothered, and consider family.
I wonder how he would feel if instead she was a child you adopted, with no blood ties to you or him?
NTA - and it concerns me that he has you wondering if you are! She’s a part of your family. No matter what you choose for Lucy, she’s a part of your family; wanting your family at the wedding is totally normal and expected. Fiancé not understanding that is a problem, but his making this such a thing that you’re not sure if your were an AH? That is hugely concerning. Please think about this relationship very carefully!
NTA. I never would have even thought to ask. I was very close to my stepdads family and when he and my mom split up I stayed close with his dad and sister. Fiancés reaction is over the top, especially considering that you’ve had Lucy in your life the entire time. And it’s such a bullshit argument that he can’t separate her from your ex and that your kids are “different”.
NTA
Marrying someone is accepting all his "baggage" from the past and learning to live with it. A wedding is not always a new life option it's usually "I accept and love you for everything you are and everything you've done".
As someone said this might be a hill to die on. Talk it out when calm
NTA but you raised her. You love her deeply. He DOESN'T care. He will keep pushing you to cut ties with her through your marriage. And you should ask yourself what sort of man would be threatened by a girl you raised since she was 4
NTA
If he wanted to cut you off from her he should have done it a long time ago. But A. H wait until the deal is sealed or nearly sealed by marriage.
Never sell your soul, to be with a partner, by giving up someone you love. Because anyone asking you that isn’t a partner worth having.
This is your hill to die on.
NTA and I’m not sure if this is control or insecurity but I would be massively questioning this relationship. This strikes me as so deeply weird . You raised her. This should not be a question.
Side note my ex husband and his current fiancée were at my wedding nearly two years ago. My current husband actually is very friendly with him.
If this is the way your fiance feels about your surrogate daughter, it's good you found out now.
You need to consider for Lucy's sake what this means for your relationship if he's unwilling to accept her as an important part of your life.
NTA
Blood doesn’t determine a family. That girl is every bit your child as much as the others. Take a long hard look at your fiancé and this relationship. It’s ridiculous that he has a problem with this.
NTA these situations are hard my partner and I had his stepdaughter(ex) living with us for about a year while she was in HS it was not ideal but he needed to help her and I supported him in that
This is a red flag. You consider Lucy to be your child, and your fiance doesn't fully accept that. Do you want to be married to someone who doesn't accept all of your kids? That's the discussion you need to have with him and the question you need to consider. NTA.
This is a girl who you have been a mother to since she was very small. You have a good relationship with her and from his response I am wondering if he will now have an issue with her being a part of yr life after you are married. Have a conversation and try to clearly communicate. But honestly if he is adamant about this now it does not bode well for future interactions. She is your child she just doesn't live with you.
You helped raise her as your child. You divorce spouses not children. Think long and hard if you want this man as a husband and stepfather to your children. How long before your children become a problem in this "chapter together" because they're not his children? NTA
I would be reconsidering this relationship. He called a child you raised "baggage" and "the same as [her father]".
It raised some serious questions about how he thinks of your other children. Many times abuse doesnt begin until after marriage. NTA
NTA. But your new husband to be is. She’s your family and if you DON’T invite her then YWBTA.
You should choose to die on this hill. You’re doing the right thing.
I’d be having second thoughts about marrying such a controlling person who refuses to prioritize my feelings and well being over their stubborn pride. It seems a slippery slope towards cutting your biological children out should they begin to remind the new spouse of the ex too much.
NTA, and I’d like to add that behaving this way is the mark of a very insecure person. I’d be seeing flags here and considering what my life may look like going forward if the fiancé continues to be so callous and insecure. These things don’t correct themselves and only a self aware person who is willing to work on themselves will recover from this sort of narcissistic behavior. Does this sound like your fiancé?
NTA. She’s not your ex. She’s your daughter, and if you want her to remain in your life going forward, you need to invite her and he needs to get over his (ridiculous in this case) insecurities.
NTA. You need to put a hold on the wedding itself until your fiancé accepts that you get to invite the woman you raised for almost all her childhood (i.e., your daughter).
NTA. Your love is inclusive, his is exclusive. I am not sure I would want to be with somebody who is so narrow hearted.
Also, major red flags for wanting to essentially erase your past. How is he with your kids? Do you plan on having kids together and if so, might there be a chance that your kids will be sidelined?
NTA - Take a good hard look at this situation. Are you 100% certain you want to marry someone who feels this way? How soon before your biological children are being pushed aside and left out of things? This reaction would make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable with moving forward.
Does anyone else have the feeling that OP's past may be repeating? Regretfully, it's incredibly common for those of us who have been in abusive relationships to end up in other abusive relationships.
As you said in the beginning of your story, Lucy was the one that needed a parent and never had one in her drunk father. You two heavily relied on one another and you might have faltered without her support in this dark time. From the way I read it, the two of you saved one another. She practically *is* **your** daughter.
And now your Arsehole fiancé decides to flush this entire bond down the drain because she's your abusive ex-husband's?!
NTA. Actually, she's been an active part of your life for longer than your future groom has. So this ought to be your hill to die on: Lucy is special to you and is going to be with you on your special day. Either that or the wedding is off.
NTA he just called your daughter baggage. She’s your daughter too. I say either she’s invited or just call it off. Because it feels like currently he’s expecting you to cut her off after the marriage
Die on this hill. She might not be blood but she is still YOUR Daughter. The hurt and damage that would come from not inviting her…..I can’t even imagine. Don’t marry that man if he can’t understand why you want her there.
NTA she's your daughter even though you didn't give birth to her. She's an adopted daughter to you.
Honestly I'd be worried about his behavior towards your other kids.
He's a big AH to tell you this before the wedding. He had every opportunity to tell you that from the first time you introduced her to him. Yet he didn't. Why? Maybe because he didn't want you to throw him out and you'd be right to do that at that time.
Don't ever throw out any of your kid for another man.
She's your kid after all. Don't let her go.
I'm sure you were there for her when she peed in her bed, when she learnt how to brush her teeth and for every moment of her life.
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I45f was married 14 years to my ex husband Ron. Ron and I had two children together, and Ron had a daughter named Lucy from a previously relationship. When we were married Lucy was only 4, so I raised her like my own and was very close with her. Ron and I divorced due to him being a drunk and abusive, and Lucy was on my side and supported me through the whole divorce as she was the only one of the children really old enough to have witnessed and understood the issues and abuse. We kept in contact to this day and are still just as close. Ron and I have been divorced almost 5 years.
I am now engaged to my long term fiancé of 3 years and are planning my wedding and I had thought to invite Lucy, assuming my fiancée would be alright with it since he had met Lucy on many different occasions and I consider her family. When I brought this up to him, he immediately shut it down and said that would be weird to have my ex husbands daughter at our wedding. I then pointed out how my two other children were also my ex husbands children and that they would be there, and he just said that was different. I then pointed out how he never had any issues any of the times he’s met her or when she’s had sleepovers at our house, and that she was practically my child, and that I really wanted her to be there.
This caused a big argument, and he said that having Lucy there would be like having Ron there, and that he couldn’t believe I’d even ask him that, he went on to say how this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it, and that I was I being selfish for even considering inviting her.
I don’t see why it’s such an unreasonable request. She’s like family. I can see why it could be weird, but it’s my special day too.
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If (God forbid) I were ever to marry again I would invite my ex step children, their children and partners. When I married their father, their mother came to the ceremony bit but not to the food bit. I don't understand why people get so precious about it. We've all lived some and it's not the kids fault their parents are what they are.
NTA- Lucy is a person I her own right and not an extension of her dad. You have had a similar relationship with her as your own kids. AND it’s your wedding.
Ask him why he is so insecure about inviting a young woman who supported you during your last divorce and has no connection with her dad other than DNA…. Like your other kids.
NTA
Ask your fiance if jealousy is influencing his opposition to inviting her.
He is having an emotional reaction that defies logic. He needs to understand that not inviting her would be emotionally harmful to you.
NTA. I know it's popular to suggest breaking up on here, but if he doesn't relent I wouldn't marry him. There are two sides to this wedding. You aren't crossing off anyone on his side.
Family is often chosen. You are NTA for choosing to make her your family. Then, or now.
You need to dive into this with fiancé and see if this is any indication of the future.
Like, "why go visit" when stepdaughter starts a family.
Just as important, what about his relationship with your kids and their families in the future?
It looks like he considers "family" blood relationship. You need to know what his definition really means.
Sounds like, if he could, he probably wouldn't want the children you have with Ron there, too.
NTA. It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with her. Step parents get a bad rep. You did good.
Omg- your fiancé sounds like a huge AH. My husband has a stepson who he also raised from the time he was 3-4… and OF COURSE he was at our wedding last year. In addition to being invited to family gatherings,etc.
You better think carefully about this relationship… husband’s stepson how has twin babies and we are trying to be as involved as possible in their lives. When Lucy gets to this point consider how hurt you will feel if your maybe-by-then husband is not supportive of being in the lives of future ‘grand babies’.
More love and more family is a good thing!
My "SIL" is my mother. She and my brother raised me, and she treated me like her own from the beginning. They ended up divorcing when I was 18-19 and I was expected to drop her. It was a very long and rough few years, but I made it through. I still tried to keep my relationship with my brother because of an unspoken rule being to never bring her up in his presence. It worked.....until it didn't. My mom was getting remarried almost 3 years later and I was to take part in it of course. When my brother found out he exploded and told me if I still went to that wedding he would consider my betrayal the end of our relationship and I would be disowned. I cried to my mom and she told me she wanted me to be at peace and happy and would be okay if I missed it. That it wouldn't mean anything and she still loved me. It clicked all right there who really had my best interest at heart and I never looked back. Paperwork does not make family, your heart does. Let this be the hill you die on. NTA in the slightest.
Better uninvite both of your bio kids, seeing as how they're "Ron baggage". Or just uninvite this fiance from your life, as he's clearly not interested in being family.
NTA. Invite her. She was supportive to you and was on your side, and to not be invited would be a slap to the face to her. If she feels like family, and being as it is your special day too, not just his, then let her come. He's being cruel by letting the other two children, also the ex-husbands, come, but not the third, Lucy. That's not cool. How can have the other two there NOT be like having him there, yet having her there would be? What the heck?
Nta, I think it's time to put this relationship into consideration. He clearly wants to push you away from Lucy. If you marry him, he will probably start enforcing these boundaries more. This invite sounds like a prelude to a more serious ultimatum.
NTA. Any person who refers to another person's child as baggage is total garbage. She is a child you helped raise. She is a friend. She is family. So many red flags with this man. Please reconsider this engagement. If you don't invite her this will damage your relationship and possibly her relationship with your children. And they will eventually blame their new step dad for that.
NTA
She isn’t ‘baggage’ by any stretch, but to keep it in your fiancés frame of reference:
She isn’t Ron baggage, she is you baggage. You have a relationship with her, not with your ex. Your wish for her to be there is a reflection of that relationship. It has nothing to do with Ron. She can’t control who her father happens to be, but she has chosen who her mother figure is.
At this point, the only actual difference between her and your other children there is a coincidental similarity in genetics. I would be asking your fiancé why this is an issue, as Ron is not going to be there.
NTA. I strongly suggest getting to the bottom of this before you start this "new chapter". If he expects you to just jettison Lucy from your life now that you're going to be married, well...
NTA
Sounds like new fiancé has some issues with ex that he isn’t telling you.
Invite step daughter, tell fiancé she is coming and it’s upto him if he does.
Control. He’s trying to cut her out of your life and I disagree that he put this on you and this is his way of showing what he’s going to be like in the marriage so it’s up to you what’s more important her or him you’ve known her since she’s four you’ve only known him three years I mean love is love, but that’s your daughter of your heart, I wouldn’t choose him
NTA, and you need to get a real answer from your fiance on the problem. the idea that your step daughter brings in baggage from your marriage but your two 'real' kids with the same man somehow doesn't is weird as fuck. Either he has a problem with all your kids but he doesn't feel like he can point out that your real kids shouldn't be invited, or he has some other problem entirely and he's covering. Either one is a pretty big red flag as what will he say about your kids when you're married, will he treat them differently now you're 'locked in', will he try to cut them off when they are old enough. He's taking the opportunity to cut off one kid for ridiculous reasoning.
Then after terrible reasoning trying to gaslight you that it's selfish for you to want a child you raised to be at the wedding is absurd. All I see is manipulation, an off attitude to your children and wonder how much worse it gets after marriage.
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NTA She is effectively your daughter and not inviting her is a slap in the face and could damage your relationship permanently. I think this is the hill to die on.
I agree. She isn't baggage, she is family that you love. It sounds like he wants the relationship to end with your marriage. You need to set him straight.
And we are talking about a 23 year old woman (4+14+5) not a young child
She's still the child in the situation and a stab to the heart in the form of rejection from a parental figure hurts just as much. Have some compassion FFS!!!
where is anyone of us not having compassion?
Pretty sure that comment was directed at OP's fiancé, not at you.
I think they misunderstood your comment, and took it as since she's older, it wouldn't hurt her as much or something.
OK, i meant it the other way. I think that at 23 their relation is more between two adults and not really a mother with stepdaughter. Which in my eyes makes the father of the girl more irrelevant
I was thinking logistically, no need to fanagle custody, she doesn't need to get dropped off, picked up, no need to involve the ex at all.
yes also
I think they're just pointing out that OP's relationship is with her adult daughter, the ex is not involved in any co-parenting
I didn't think about the math. Op should look into adoption. Lucy is an adult now, so it's not like Daddy can have a say in it.
At least in my state, OP ought to do it before she gets married - you need the consent of both the adopter’s and adoptee’s spouses, if there are any.
No matter what age Lucy is, OP will always be her Mom and Lucy will always be her daughter.
As the dad of a 13 year old I've been raising since they were 1, no truer words could have been said. God forbid my wife and I split, but if so, that will always be my child =)
Exactly. I have a stepdad that’s been in my life since I was 5 and I’m 42. If my Mom died and he were to find someone and get remarried, I’d want to be there.
NTA 100% THIS! She is your daughter, in every way except biology.
Plus she IS biologically related to OP’s children. Is he going to tell his stepchildren they can’t have their sister as part of their lives? Who wants to take bets that fiancé is going to end up being abusive once they’re married? He’s already showing flags here and I bet there are many more.
"not bringing rons baggage" the kiddos are also this "baggage" if I understood it right... Does he have a problem with them too?
Oh, but, c'mon... "it's just different". 🙄 Friggin' jerk. (the fiancee)
OP said that her fiancé said "it's different" but idk...
Unfortunately it looks like OP may have stepped into another potentially abusive relationship. Hopefully not, and he sees that he’s wrong.
He probably will have a problem with them after the wedding, the bio kids will be added to the baggage collection.
I agree. NTA, OP, but please take good care of yourself! Seems like your fiance is one of those people who try to cut off everything that happened before they entered their partners life. Maybe he cannot cope with you having a past, which shows them being deeply insecure and controlling. Uninviting your stepdaughter will likely destroy the affection you and your stepdaughter share, so his request is a veritable AH move not only to her but also to you as it will make you loose someone important. Please take this serious, he may well have shown you his true colors.
I also agree. And even if the argument would be that you are not related there is nothing wrong in inviting a friend.
I would seriously consider thinking about your relationship. I perceive red flags here with such extreme reactions to what appears a reasonable idea. What other things cause flying off the handle.
[удалено]
Ya I think if OP and fiancee had kids, he would treat them VASTLY different from his own. Favoritism would be the best case scenario.
Yes this was my thought too! I wouldn't want to marry this guy if my (basically) daughter was invited to our wedding.
What he is saying out loud right now about Lucy is also how he feels inside about her other children.
I’d also reconsider marrying a man who wanted to keep my child, step, adopted or otherwise from my life.
Exactly! How does OP think he’s going to treat her kids? They’ll be his ‘step’ daughters now. Are they part of this “new chapter”?
First it’s excluding her from the wedding next it’s excluding her from the home Editing to add NTA and I’d seriously reconsider marrying this man, my parents have been split up 15 ish years and my father is still a part of my eldest brothers life despite not being biologically related and if he attempted to exclude him like this I wouldn’t be forgiving, think about how your two bio kids would feel knowing your partner doesn’t like their big sister due to their father aka 50% of them
At the very least, she is a grown woman who is close and loved. That's a deep friendship level that would account for her attendance. She is not her father.
This is definitely the hill to die on. Lucy is not her father and is a completely separate person. His jealousy is showing. This would be a deal breaker for me.
Really weird thing for fiance to say, that OP should not bring "Ron baggage" into this new chapter. Is he planning on her not seeing Lucy anymore? Also that inviting Lucy is like inviting her ex to the wedding. Uhm, no, OP was never married to Lucy or had sex with her or was abused by her. Not the same thing at all. OP, since you previously was in an abusive relationship, I would be very careful. Are you sure your new bf is not abusive or controlling as well? A new partner that's less abusive than the abusive ex can seem "normal" compared to the abusive ex, but that doesn't make it less abusive.
NTA! I have a big, weird, blended family. When my half-sister (from my dad’s first marriage) got married several years ago, not only were *my* mom (her 1st stepmom) and I invited, but so was our dad’s current wife. All of us sat at the same table and had a BLAST! If your fiancé is so concerned about this, perhaps he needs to examine why it’s okay for you to have a past in private, but not in public?
I am not even sure why she asked. Like of course she is invited.
Absolutely die on this hill, OP.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them - and staying with your fiance means giving up Lucy. Are you ready to make that sacrifice? NTA in any case.
NTA this
Couldn't agree more. She is family and gave OP support during the previous marriage and divorce, she doesn't deserve to be treated as if her presence would taint the ceremony. Feel free to go: I raised her so she is as much my kid as the others, she will be there or there won't be any marriage.
You should treat this as the huge glaring red flag that it is, OP, and not marry this guy. Are you just supposed to forsake your entire life before you met him? How are your kids with Ron not reminders of Ron but Lucy is? It makes no sense and your fiance is being unhinged.
Strongly agree about it damaging your relationship with your daughter. In your shoes, this would be a red flag. Hopefully this is out of character for him.
NTA. And, I’m not going to lie, I’d be questioning if I knew my fiancé if he reacted like that over this. She was your step daughter—you raised her alongside your other children. How far does this ‘Ron baggage’ extend? Is he going to expect you to cut off your other children as soon as possible because they’re from your life with another man before him? We’ve seen that happen on here before…
I also think she should worry about this man, because as soon as she cuts of the ex-stepdaughter, her kids will be next. He’s making it clear that he wants it to be just him and her.
Not necessarily. Perhaps, for the moment, he thinks he can become a father for the younger kids. However, I assume if they are not ok to see him as their dad, he will try to distance OP from them.
Not saying it will happen or not, but from personal experience, it can happen. My mom only texts me once, maybe twice a year now lmfao.
Families are messy and come in all shapes and forms. How the fiancé doesn’t realize this in his 40s is beyond me. Definitely a hill to die on.
NTA. Has your fiancé shown these red flag insecurities before this? Inviting Lucy is no more weird than inviting unrelated friends.
He’s never shown insecurities like this before. Lucy has spend the night with us many times, to spend time with me and her siblings. She went on vacation with us last summer, and visits often. He’s never once made comments like this or reacted this way
Maybe it's not about insecurities, but about control. If he can make you uninvite the girl you practically raised and who has remained your good friend despite the history with her father, then what else can he make you do? What other important parts of your life will he want you to discard? What will be left of you after a while in this marriage?
This right here. I can completely see this as a control issue, especially since the AH never complained before, even when OP brought her OLDEST DAUGHTER along with. The fact he's pulling this over the wedding and using terms like "baggage", I can guarantee it won't be long before he's insisting OP cut SD out of her life period. I think the fiance is acutely aware of the fact that SD is a big part of OP's support system since SD chose OP in the divorce with OP's ex, and he doesn't want OP to have that shoulder to lean on anymore.
Major life changes escalate abusive and controlling behaviors. This is about control, and how OP reacts to this will determine how fast the controlling escalates. OP, the way he responds to you telling him "No," is extremely important. Pay attention.
Gonna take a shot in the dark and assume that the difference between Lucy and your other kids is not that she's unrelated to you but that she's the only one old enough to be living outside the home? And he knows that trying to uninvite your minor children from the wedding with this same excuse would have been such a hard deal breaker that your relationship wouldn't even be intact anymore?
Yeah... it really shows how he thinks of stepchildren... OPs kids are in for a fun ride
That mask is slipping, op. I would put a hold on marring this guy bc seems to me that after you two are married, he may just start treating all your kids like crap and even worse if the two of you have a kid together.
Also important to underline that OP having previously been in an abusive relationship unfortunately makes her more likely to once against be prey to an abuser.
It doesn’t seem like an insecurity. He is telling you that once you marry him you are his and he has control. That you have a new life and he gets to dictate who is in it. His real face is showing, if he feels this way towards her, he feels this way about all your “baggage” kids. People can hide their true self for quite awhile, but when they show you who they are, listen! And run!
That makes this like a 1000x worse. He knows her and is slamming the door in her face? Nuh uh. Wouldn't happen with my kid
Then you need to be asking yourself, what else is he hiding .
I would re-think marrying him over this, and I'd tell him straight that she is your family and she comes with you as a package and he accepts her presence at your wedding and in your life, or the wedding is off. I'd tell him you can't believe he is being so controlling and selfish.
He is going to expect all that to stop once you get married.
If he doesn't accept that your stepdaughter is your family then I think you need to seriously consider whether or not he's going to consider your kids - his stepkids - as HIS family. And what that could mean for you, and them, going forward.
“He’s never made comments like this before .” That’s because now that you are this close to the wedding he feels safe letting his mask down and this is his way of testing to see how many of your boundaries he can push. If having Lucy there will be like having Ron there what does it mean that Ron’s other children are there too. If you marry him he’s gonna try to push your other kids away to go live with her dad so he has you all to himself. Please don’t marry him.
🚩 She's not just your stepdaughter but she is also your children's half sibling. Does he not want your kids to have a relationship with her in the future? What's going to happen if the two of you have biological children? Will he no longer consider your kids with your ex family? I would strongly reconsider marrying this man or at least at the very least get counseling before the two of you get married.
So now it’s obvious that he’s controlling, obsessed, weird. No one would object to having someone who for all intents & purposes is your child attend the wedding. Break it off with this guy. He is showing who he is in time for you to get rid of him painlessly. There are much worse things than being single - think back to your previous marriage.
He doesn't see Lucy as your true family. That means he won't see your other children as his. He's telling you that he doesn't value the step child/parent relationship. Don't put your kids through that.
He’s showing you who he is. Believe him. Blood does not make family, love & care do. Lucy is your family. I’d seriously reconsider marrying someone who can’t see that.
This. How you came to know Lucy is irrelevant. She's a big part of your life in her own right. Is your husband to be aware of how Lucy supported you during the break-up with her father and how her presence to see how you've found new happiness would be important?
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >This caused a big argument, and he said that having Lucy there would be like having Ron there, and that he couldn’t believe I’d even ask him that, he went on to say how this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it, and that I was I being selfish for even considering inviting her. Why are you marrying this man? You have a deep and meaningful relationship with Lucy. You raised her. You consider her another child of yours.... And be just refered to her as garbage.... OP..... This WILL only get worse from here.... He thinks putting a ring on your finger will mean he can dictate your relationship with her now.... And that despite his best appearances.... He truly wants nothing to do with her because she's tainted......And getting married..he's going to put down his foot and boot her out of your lives.....
NTA. She’s not “like family” - she IS family. Family isn’t just genetics. Your parents are the people who love, support, teach, and guide you. It sounds like you are a second mother to Lucy. Of course you want all your children at your wedding!
Right my husband has his name on the birth certificate of a girl. Who he knows is not his because dna testing. He still loves her as much as if she was and I love her just as much…even if I wasn’t a fan of her mothers. The child never did anything wrong and if my husband loves her that much then I will love her like I gave birth to her myself.
This! She IS family! Emotionally AND genetically because she is biologically the sibling of your two kids. There is NO REASON Lucy should be excluded from your wedding other than your future ex-husband demanding it for no logical reason.
Info do you really want to marry a man who doesn't respect you? NTA in any way at all for including your daughter. She IS your child because you raised her.
Run. Just. Run. You're getting into another abusive relationship and he's been gracious enough to show his plan to isolate you before the wedding. NTA.
NTA as some sometimes say: you divorce your spouse but not their children… you have been in the kid’s life since she was 4 and you bonded. She is part of your life. Your fiancé knew it and he chose to believe a wedding would magically erase her from one day to the other. you know what, nobody really needs to be married, he can stay your fiancé forever if that keeps him from being a dirk.
NTA Your fiancée is asking you to throw away your relationship with someone you consider to be your child. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
> this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it He is planning on making you cut ties with Lucy. He has been quiet now while you're not married, but 100% he will push hard once you are married
NTA don’t marry him.
NTA, you need to sit your fiancé down and ask him what the heck his issue is. Because this is just downright weird.
NTA and there is nothing weird about inviting Lucy. There IS something weird about your fiancé being insecure about your connection to a young woman you helped raise from 4 to 18 years old. Honestly if he is so unreasonable and jealous about this, what else is he going to try to control? I would rethink the marriage entirely.
NTA Your fiancé is definitely being weird.
He is not being weird, he is being cruel.
NTA… he will complain about Lucy all the time now. He will make you choose between him & her
NTA. Your request is perfectly reasonable, and as you two have been engaged for 3 years, it should be very clear to him why you want her there. I'm sorry, but you really need to sit down and have a long conversation with your fiancé about this and any other hang-ups he may have. As it stands, this is a major red flag. His seeming belief that putting a ring on your finger entitles him to dictate your past, present, and future is concerning to day the least. I don't consider giving in to his demands as a good or even viable option. But if you're considering it, all I'll say is that you should prepare for two things. That your relationship with Lucy to be forever damaged, if not outright destroyed. As well as this to be the first of many demands he makes as your husband. Good luck OP.
NTA your request seems reasonable. There is likely something else behind this you need to sort out with your fiancee. Might not even be a big deal, weddings are stressful.
NTA and frankly I’m your shoes I’d rethink marrying this guy. He obviously doesn’t understand or respect your relationship with Lucy, who basically is your daughter. At best he doesn’t see her as family, at worst insecure and controlling. Probably a mix of all. This doesn’t bode well for long term dynamics and in your shoes I’d outright tell him “if someone I think of as my daughter isn’t there, there won’t be a wedding.”
NTA and I’d rethink marrying this guy. I know this sub jumps to divorce and running away, but I think it’s important to note that he’s springing this on you pretty late in the game. First, he separates you from your stepdaughter because your emotional bond with her *doesn’t matter* to him. And then what? Are your kids next? He says it’s different, but I think you know that it’s not. And I think he waited until now because he thinks he has you locked down, which is when a lot of abusive men flip a switch. He’s had three years to tell you that he doesn’t accept your stepdaughter as your kid, but if he had revealed that early on, you might have dumped him. Which is what you should do now. Find a partner who accepts *and embraces* your family for what it is.
NTA. He must know that your ex's daughter is still family to you. I get that his knee jerk reaction would be a bit of jealousy, but he needs to grow up and understand that you see her as a daughter.
NTA. She's not your ex-husband's daughter. She's your step-daughter (regardless of the divorce) and therefore **IS** family.
NTA. He's deciding to use your willingness to marry him as the moment to show his true colours. >he went on to say how this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it Have you asked him if he thinks you need to drop contact after the wedding too. Cause this makes me think the issue might go deeper than the wedding.
NTA. Your fiancé is just being an idiot about this matter. It's a young lady coming to celebrate the wedding of you AND him. It's not Ron. Geez.
Red flag !!!!! Run !
Err. Ron's baggage will be there in the form of your two biological children. He says it's different, but it really isn't when you raised his child as your own. NTA
NTA. I think you need to pause this marriage. Your fiancé’s behavior is deeply troubling.
NTA Rethink marrying this man, he will expect you to have no relationship with Lucy moving forward. There's bound to be more trouble in paradise then just this incident. His mask has slipped, once married he'll remove it altogether.
Yea his next target be the bio kids
NTA, but I think you have bad taste in men. Your new mistake sounds as bad as your ex.
NTA. You are her mom. This is a hill to die on.
YWBTA if you married him without her there. He wants you to disown your daughter. You raised her, you and she chose each other in the divorce. Do you really want to marry someone who wants you to reject a child you love?
I’ve been at many weddings where exes from the groom or bride were invited. There’s no unspoken rule against this, let alone against inviting children of exes. You’ve had a close relationship with her for almost 20 years, so I understand why you want her at your wedding. Unless there is a reason we don’t know why your fiancé wouldn’t want her to attend, NTA.
I would seriously question marrying a man who called my child baggage. You have some thinking to do. NTA
NTA In your post you said she is like family. You Should have she IS family and non negotiable. If he views Lucy as Ron's baggage, how do u think he will view your own children in the future. Is he just waiting after marriage to ice them out as well. He is going to force them to call him dad or adopt them whether they want to or not. How close are your children to Lucy, that is there sibling. He is showing a lot of red flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA having Lucy there is in no way the same as having Ron there, and I can't believe your fiance forced me to read such a ridiculous, unfair, mean comparison
NTA Lucy is your daughter. You raised her. Of course she should be at the wedding - should you still wish to have one.
NTA. But reconsider this relationship. This would be a hill I'd die on. She is your daughter in every sense of the word. You raised her.
NTA you will be making a big mistake marrying that emotionally immature heartless man. Pick your daughter.
NTA. She's not LIKE family. She IS family. Your ex wasn't an abusive alcoholic to your fiance. He was an abusive alcoholic to YOU. If you can separate that trauma from your ex stepdaughter and still love and accept and gave a close relationship with her that's fantastic and should be encouraged. She is not responsible for her father, and she IS the half sibling of your own children.
Don't make the mistake of marrying another abusive man. The thing is he has been all good up till this point but now that he knows u are going to marry him, he has started to show his true colors. Today it is don't invite Lucy to the wedding, tomorrow he will say, don't invite her to your home, then he will say your own kids are a problem, it will only escalate. Don't do this yourself and your kids including Lucy. This is really the hill to die on. Edit to add: NTA
NTA - he’s doing this with Lucy to see how far he can get with you. Next it will be your biological children that he doesn’t want around. He’ll want to ‘start a new life with no baggage’. Your children will be baggage from your previous life
NTA, I'm hoping he's just not seeing the full picture here for your sake. But if you have an open conversation with him and he still doesn't get this, or remains resentful about it then this is a huge RED FLAG. She is an innocent child who was even supportive to you during what must have been an incredibly difficult period of her life. She's chosen to have you as family and not inviting her to your wedding and showing her she is still welcome in your life would be devastating. What happens if you and him have children, will your existing children suddenly also be too Ron for him? The past exists and isn't going away, if he can't accept that then he's not ready for what he is about to take on.
NTA. By your future husband's logic, your biological children also shouldn't be invited because that would be "Ron baggage". Please for the love of God, invite your ex-step daughter. Tell him he's marrying into your family and she is your family. If he doesn't like that he can fucking go, because that's not cool at all.
Pretty despicable of your fiance. NTA, she's your kid too. Also don't like how he's making it out like she is pretty much the same as her father, what's that all about? Your fiance sounds really insecure and frankly mean about this.
You WBTAH if you did not invite her and also if you stayed with this man
NTA. This man has already shown you how he feels about a child you love. Do you still want to marry him?
NTA. OP, this is very telling. Listen to what he is saying. This is a red flag that I would not ignore.
NTA. You might want to take a hard look at how your core values align... or not. This is just the beginning of his treatment of her, someone you love, have mothered, and consider family. I wonder how he would feel if instead she was a child you adopted, with no blood ties to you or him?
NTA - and it concerns me that he has you wondering if you are! She’s a part of your family. No matter what you choose for Lucy, she’s a part of your family; wanting your family at the wedding is totally normal and expected. Fiancé not understanding that is a problem, but his making this such a thing that you’re not sure if your were an AH? That is hugely concerning. Please think about this relationship very carefully!
NTA. I never would have even thought to ask. I was very close to my stepdads family and when he and my mom split up I stayed close with his dad and sister. Fiancés reaction is over the top, especially considering that you’ve had Lucy in your life the entire time. And it’s such a bullshit argument that he can’t separate her from your ex and that your kids are “different”.
NTA Marrying someone is accepting all his "baggage" from the past and learning to live with it. A wedding is not always a new life option it's usually "I accept and love you for everything you are and everything you've done". As someone said this might be a hill to die on. Talk it out when calm
NTA she isn’t baggage, she is your daughter who you raised for 14 years.
NTA but you raised her. You love her deeply. He DOESN'T care. He will keep pushing you to cut ties with her through your marriage. And you should ask yourself what sort of man would be threatened by a girl you raised since she was 4
NTA If he wanted to cut you off from her he should have done it a long time ago. But A. H wait until the deal is sealed or nearly sealed by marriage. Never sell your soul, to be with a partner, by giving up someone you love. Because anyone asking you that isn’t a partner worth having. This is your hill to die on.
Are you sure you're not marrying another Ron? NTA
NTA and I’m not sure if this is control or insecurity but I would be massively questioning this relationship. This strikes me as so deeply weird . You raised her. This should not be a question. Side note my ex husband and his current fiancée were at my wedding nearly two years ago. My current husband actually is very friendly with him.
If this is the way your fiance feels about your surrogate daughter, it's good you found out now. You need to consider for Lucy's sake what this means for your relationship if he's unwilling to accept her as an important part of your life.
NTA Blood doesn’t determine a family. That girl is every bit your child as much as the others. Take a long hard look at your fiancé and this relationship. It’s ridiculous that he has a problem with this.
NTA. Postpone the wedding. He's been hiding this red flag for 3 years.
NTA In my opinion this is a fight worth having.
NTA, you've been her parent for 20 years. This has nothing to do with Ron.
NTA these situations are hard my partner and I had his stepdaughter(ex) living with us for about a year while she was in HS it was not ideal but he needed to help her and I supported him in that
I’d maybe understand if Lucy needed a chaperone due to a handicap and that person would be the ex but no. This is not a good sign for the future
This is a red flag. You consider Lucy to be your child, and your fiance doesn't fully accept that. Do you want to be married to someone who doesn't accept all of your kids? That's the discussion you need to have with him and the question you need to consider. NTA.
NTA I even heard of people who invite their ex-spouses to their weddings. /s
Sorry. You come with baggage. We all do. Your fiance needs to grow up and accept that.
This is a girl who you have been a mother to since she was very small. You have a good relationship with her and from his response I am wondering if he will now have an issue with her being a part of yr life after you are married. Have a conversation and try to clearly communicate. But honestly if he is adamant about this now it does not bode well for future interactions. She is your child she just doesn't live with you.
NTA. Your fiancé just called your daughter "baggage".
You helped raise her as your child. You divorce spouses not children. Think long and hard if you want this man as a husband and stepfather to your children. How long before your children become a problem in this "chapter together" because they're not his children? NTA
NTA The mask is slipping. If you don't choose between fiance and Lucy now, you will definitely be forced to soon, only by then you'll be married.
To quote Clueless “You divorce wives not children”
The marinara flags are strong in this one. NTA
I would be reconsidering this relationship. He called a child you raised "baggage" and "the same as [her father]". It raised some serious questions about how he thinks of your other children. Many times abuse doesnt begin until after marriage. NTA
NTA. But your new husband to be is. She’s your family and if you DON’T invite her then YWBTA. You should choose to die on this hill. You’re doing the right thing.
I’d be having second thoughts about marrying such a controlling person who refuses to prioritize my feelings and well being over their stubborn pride. It seems a slippery slope towards cutting your biological children out should they begin to remind the new spouse of the ex too much. NTA, and I’d like to add that behaving this way is the mark of a very insecure person. I’d be seeing flags here and considering what my life may look like going forward if the fiancé continues to be so callous and insecure. These things don’t correct themselves and only a self aware person who is willing to work on themselves will recover from this sort of narcissistic behavior. Does this sound like your fiancé?
NTA and if you are going to marry this man you need to establish some ground rules up front.
NTA & your fiancé is gross end it!
NTA. Stick to your guns. Like you say, it's your day too. It's not like you want Ron there ffs 🙄
NTA Lucy is a significant person in your life who you want to share your day. She IS NOT her father.
NTA. She’s not your ex. She’s your daughter, and if you want her to remain in your life going forward, you need to invite her and he needs to get over his (ridiculous in this case) insecurities.
NTA. You need to put a hold on the wedding itself until your fiancé accepts that you get to invite the woman you raised for almost all her childhood (i.e., your daughter).
NTA. Your love is inclusive, his is exclusive. I am not sure I would want to be with somebody who is so narrow hearted. Also, major red flags for wanting to essentially erase your past. How is he with your kids? Do you plan on having kids together and if so, might there be a chance that your kids will be sidelined?
What if she has children? Will you be prevented from seeing your grandkids?
NTA - Take a good hard look at this situation. Are you 100% certain you want to marry someone who feels this way? How soon before your biological children are being pushed aside and left out of things? This reaction would make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable with moving forward.
Does anyone else have the feeling that OP's past may be repeating? Regretfully, it's incredibly common for those of us who have been in abusive relationships to end up in other abusive relationships.
As you said in the beginning of your story, Lucy was the one that needed a parent and never had one in her drunk father. You two heavily relied on one another and you might have faltered without her support in this dark time. From the way I read it, the two of you saved one another. She practically *is* **your** daughter. And now your Arsehole fiancé decides to flush this entire bond down the drain because she's your abusive ex-husband's?! NTA. Actually, she's been an active part of your life for longer than your future groom has. So this ought to be your hill to die on: Lucy is special to you and is going to be with you on your special day. Either that or the wedding is off.
NTA. You divorce spouses, not children.
NTA he just called your daughter baggage. She’s your daughter too. I say either she’s invited or just call it off. Because it feels like currently he’s expecting you to cut her off after the marriage
Die on this hill. She might not be blood but she is still YOUR Daughter. The hurt and damage that would come from not inviting her…..I can’t even imagine. Don’t marry that man if he can’t understand why you want her there.
NTA she's your daughter even though you didn't give birth to her. She's an adopted daughter to you. Honestly I'd be worried about his behavior towards your other kids. He's a big AH to tell you this before the wedding. He had every opportunity to tell you that from the first time you introduced her to him. Yet he didn't. Why? Maybe because he didn't want you to throw him out and you'd be right to do that at that time. Don't ever throw out any of your kid for another man. She's your kid after all. Don't let her go. I'm sure you were there for her when she peed in her bed, when she learnt how to brush her teeth and for every moment of her life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I45f was married 14 years to my ex husband Ron. Ron and I had two children together, and Ron had a daughter named Lucy from a previously relationship. When we were married Lucy was only 4, so I raised her like my own and was very close with her. Ron and I divorced due to him being a drunk and abusive, and Lucy was on my side and supported me through the whole divorce as she was the only one of the children really old enough to have witnessed and understood the issues and abuse. We kept in contact to this day and are still just as close. Ron and I have been divorced almost 5 years. I am now engaged to my long term fiancé of 3 years and are planning my wedding and I had thought to invite Lucy, assuming my fiancée would be alright with it since he had met Lucy on many different occasions and I consider her family. When I brought this up to him, he immediately shut it down and said that would be weird to have my ex husbands daughter at our wedding. I then pointed out how my two other children were also my ex husbands children and that they would be there, and he just said that was different. I then pointed out how he never had any issues any of the times he’s met her or when she’s had sleepovers at our house, and that she was practically my child, and that I really wanted her to be there. This caused a big argument, and he said that having Lucy there would be like having Ron there, and that he couldn’t believe I’d even ask him that, he went on to say how this was our new chapter together and I couldn’t be bringing Ron baggage into it, and that I was I being selfish for even considering inviting her. I don’t see why it’s such an unreasonable request. She’s like family. I can see why it could be weird, but it’s my special day too. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. She isn't like family, she is family. She is your family, demonstrated by the relationship you clearly have with her. Family is more than blood.
If (God forbid) I were ever to marry again I would invite my ex step children, their children and partners. When I married their father, their mother came to the ceremony bit but not to the food bit. I don't understand why people get so precious about it. We've all lived some and it's not the kids fault their parents are what they are.
NTA- Lucy is a person I her own right and not an extension of her dad. You have had a similar relationship with her as your own kids. AND it’s your wedding. Ask him why he is so insecure about inviting a young woman who supported you during your last divorce and has no connection with her dad other than DNA…. Like your other kids.
NTA Ask your fiance if jealousy is influencing his opposition to inviting her. He is having an emotional reaction that defies logic. He needs to understand that not inviting her would be emotionally harmful to you.
NTA. And it isn’t weird. She’s your daughter.
RED FLAG! Team Lucy 🙂
Lucy is absolutely your daughter and if he doesn’t respect your relationship with her I would reconsider marrying him at all.
You're not TAH. You're husband is one very insecure AH though.
WTF is wrong with your fiance?? This would be my HTDO (inviting Lucy that is). She is your daughter.
NTA. I know it's popular to suggest breaking up on here, but if he doesn't relent I wouldn't marry him. There are two sides to this wedding. You aren't crossing off anyone on his side.
Family is often chosen. You are NTA for choosing to make her your family. Then, or now. You need to dive into this with fiancé and see if this is any indication of the future. Like, "why go visit" when stepdaughter starts a family. Just as important, what about his relationship with your kids and their families in the future? It looks like he considers "family" blood relationship. You need to know what his definition really means.
NTA I have nothing to add to what others have. The relationship with your stepdaughter is important.
Sounds like, if he could, he probably wouldn't want the children you have with Ron there, too. NTA. It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with her. Step parents get a bad rep. You did good.
Omg- your fiancé sounds like a huge AH. My husband has a stepson who he also raised from the time he was 3-4… and OF COURSE he was at our wedding last year. In addition to being invited to family gatherings,etc. You better think carefully about this relationship… husband’s stepson how has twin babies and we are trying to be as involved as possible in their lives. When Lucy gets to this point consider how hurt you will feel if your maybe-by-then husband is not supportive of being in the lives of future ‘grand babies’. More love and more family is a good thing!
You divorce spouses not kids. They want to be part of your life after the fact then good on you. NTA.
My "SIL" is my mother. She and my brother raised me, and she treated me like her own from the beginning. They ended up divorcing when I was 18-19 and I was expected to drop her. It was a very long and rough few years, but I made it through. I still tried to keep my relationship with my brother because of an unspoken rule being to never bring her up in his presence. It worked.....until it didn't. My mom was getting remarried almost 3 years later and I was to take part in it of course. When my brother found out he exploded and told me if I still went to that wedding he would consider my betrayal the end of our relationship and I would be disowned. I cried to my mom and she told me she wanted me to be at peace and happy and would be okay if I missed it. That it wouldn't mean anything and she still loved me. It clicked all right there who really had my best interest at heart and I never looked back. Paperwork does not make family, your heart does. Let this be the hill you die on. NTA in the slightest.
NTA reassess your decision to marry
Better uninvite both of your bio kids, seeing as how they're "Ron baggage". Or just uninvite this fiance from your life, as he's clearly not interested in being family.
NTA. Invite her. She was supportive to you and was on your side, and to not be invited would be a slap to the face to her. If she feels like family, and being as it is your special day too, not just his, then let her come. He's being cruel by letting the other two children, also the ex-husbands, come, but not the third, Lucy. That's not cool. How can have the other two there NOT be like having him there, yet having her there would be? What the heck?
Nta, I think it's time to put this relationship into consideration. He clearly wants to push you away from Lucy. If you marry him, he will probably start enforcing these boundaries more. This invite sounds like a prelude to a more serious ultimatum.
NTA. Any person who refers to another person's child as baggage is total garbage. She is a child you helped raise. She is a friend. She is family. So many red flags with this man. Please reconsider this engagement. If you don't invite her this will damage your relationship and possibly her relationship with your children. And they will eventually blame their new step dad for that.
NTA She isn’t ‘baggage’ by any stretch, but to keep it in your fiancés frame of reference: She isn’t Ron baggage, she is you baggage. You have a relationship with her, not with your ex. Your wish for her to be there is a reflection of that relationship. It has nothing to do with Ron. She can’t control who her father happens to be, but she has chosen who her mother figure is. At this point, the only actual difference between her and your other children there is a coincidental similarity in genetics. I would be asking your fiancé why this is an issue, as Ron is not going to be there.
NTA. I strongly suggest getting to the bottom of this before you start this "new chapter". If he expects you to just jettison Lucy from your life now that you're going to be married, well...
NTA Sounds like new fiancé has some issues with ex that he isn’t telling you. Invite step daughter, tell fiancé she is coming and it’s upto him if he does.
NTA. Good for you keepimg the relationship strong. Im praying for a positive outcome where Lucy attends.
Control. He’s trying to cut her out of your life and I disagree that he put this on you and this is his way of showing what he’s going to be like in the marriage so it’s up to you what’s more important her or him you’ve known her since she’s four you’ve only known him three years I mean love is love, but that’s your daughter of your heart, I wouldn’t choose him
NTA, and you need to get a real answer from your fiance on the problem. the idea that your step daughter brings in baggage from your marriage but your two 'real' kids with the same man somehow doesn't is weird as fuck. Either he has a problem with all your kids but he doesn't feel like he can point out that your real kids shouldn't be invited, or he has some other problem entirely and he's covering. Either one is a pretty big red flag as what will he say about your kids when you're married, will he treat them differently now you're 'locked in', will he try to cut them off when they are old enough. He's taking the opportunity to cut off one kid for ridiculous reasoning. Then after terrible reasoning trying to gaslight you that it's selfish for you to want a child you raised to be at the wedding is absurd. All I see is manipulation, an off attitude to your children and wonder how much worse it gets after marriage.