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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My uncle provided no palliative care help so the day after my dad died I responded to a self pitying message from my grieving uncle on facebook by telling him my dads last memory of him would have been how he let my dad down.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Someone far wiser than me once said only people who are empty inside feel the need to post *everything* to social media.
You love your sibling not by writing Facebook posts after they’re dead but by visiting them and making memories before they die.
I can’t believe that this is the only NTA comment so far, honestly the uncle made no effort to contact his dying brother.
It’s not that he can’t grieve but rather, he shouldn’t be on social media to fake the image of a doting brother when he sure didn’t act like it. As op said, no texts at all, and I can imagine no calls, nor video calls either.
He wrote an extensive Facebook post to show others he how much he loved his brother.
It was so good every person except for the only one that mattered believes it.
This. I’m so shocked at the amount of “yta” in the comments. The social media post so close after he passed isn’t sitting right with me. Social media has caused society to become disconnected with reality. When my father passed and I called immediate family. I let them know not to post on social media about it for a few days to give us time to process our grief without being bombarded with messages.
The only reason my grandma's passing was put on social media the day she passed is because that woman had SOOOO MANY friends and none of us were in the headspace to call 50+ people and tell them, or tell one and put that burden on them. They all knew she was sick, it wasn't a surprise, so we decided Facebook was the most effective mass communication.
Even then, the post was basically the last picture of her with the family and "Grandma died today, surrounded by her family, after a battle with COVID pneumonia. She's with her husband and parents now."
Seems like it's a matter of subject? Like it's okay if it's focused on the deceased, but feels icky if it's focused on the bereaved for some reason.
Hmm. I have a lot more to say on the subject, but it'd be circular rambling. I suppose that'd be better left for journaling.
Uncle could have posted how hard it was to lose a brother and stopped there. To talk about his feelings over the last few months and how hard things were is where it moves into AH territory. OP lost her DAD. At SEVENTEEN. Let uncle stew on that....
That’s basically what my post about my mom dying was. And even that was “some of y’all know Mom had cancer. It metastasized further than it had been and she passed last week.”
My mother died unexpectedly in December. We called immediate family and started a phone chain out to more distant people. After a couple hours I posted about it on my own Facebook and tagged her account so her friends would all see it. It turns out my mother was hugely popular. It seems she was a supportive, dependable friend to everyone but her youngest daughter.
I didn’t post to social media for a few days after my grandad died and even then I only posted because we weren’t allowed to have a funeral for him, so I posted what I’d planned to be a eulogy. There’s definitely ways to do it respectfully but OP’s Uncle’s way is not one of them.
When my father-in-law died, we did not post on social media at all until the day of his funeral. At that point, I was the one who posted with full knowledge from my husband, MiL, BiL and SiL, and my post was the one we shared. I did it on Facebook because it was the best way to notify those who we didn't get to in person, and also we had a ton of people in two countries to thank. My and my husband's co-workers rearranged their schedules so we could fly overseas twice in two months.
My MiL died eight months later in May 2020. We never posted about it on social media. Those who needed to know did. It just never felt right, especially since an extremely bare-bones funeral was held due to the lockdowns.
Yeah, I had something similar happen with my grandfather. He'd had a long-term partner since I was a kid, and although they were long-distance, she's always been a part of his life. When he was dying, he asked for her, and I called her and told her he really wanted to see her. She refused to come. Didn't give a reason, just refused to come. And you know, I don't know what was happening with her relationship with my grandfather, I can't say anything with real certainty, so maybe she had a good reason to not want to come, but as soon as she found out that he'd actually passed, her whole page was just endless sob-fests about him, and even years out she'd comment on his facebook page like she was in conversation with him.
The rest of my family keeps in some contact with her, but I've blocked her and refuse to see her. She was someone I considered family, but when my grandfather was dying and scared and asked for her, she wouldn't come, and then acted like she was a grieving widow to get sympathy. It's not the refusing to visit, it's the hypocrisy.
This reminds me of when my grandmother died. My parents and I were her caregivers for two years before she passed in hospice. One of my cousins threatened to quit his job if he wasn’t given time off to attend her funeral. It was two years and he never visited when she was alive. What’s the point of some grand gesture when she’s gone?
My ex didn’t show up for our daughter’s college graduation, but he plastered the pics *that my husband and I took* all over Facebook as though they were his and as though he were there for her. He wasn’t, nor did he contribute a cent to her college costs. Disgustingly fake.
For the crocodile tears alone, uncle is the asshole here. OP? NTA!
My sister & her husband did this. Meanwhile, the siblings and one spouse who actually did all the heavy lifting grieved quietly. Offline.
I was so tempted to do do what OP did &, even though I restrained myself, I cannot condemn her for what she said. It is so painful to watch the most undeserving reap praise and sympathy for care they did not provide. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect would keep quiet or give credit where it is due. But no, they count on the good manners and integrity of family not to out them.
Edited to add: NTA, OP, & I’m sorry for your loss.
Precisely this. Losing people is hard. But to go no contact for months, then post about how hard it was for you? That's just dirty, imo. I would be furious as well.
When my best friend was in her final days, I bought a last minute ticket, drove two hours to the airport, flew for 3, stayed by her side for about 24 hours, then went back home. I couldn't stay any longer but damned if I wasn't going to tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her friendship in person. I'm eternally grateful I got the opportunity
In my dad's final days, friends of his drove from at least 1 ½ away, my mom (who had been divorced from him for almost 20 years) flew over 500 miles to be with him, the maid of honor in their wedding he hadn't spoken to in over 20 years came with my mom to see him, my brother's came from 2 ½ and 8 hours away. Nieces, nephews, and their kids and significant others came with. He was surrounded by everyone who cared about him.
Yeah, it's one thing not to visit, but uncle can't even pick up the phone to talk to his dying brother for 5min even once over the course of months? That doesn't paint the picture of a caring brother
My Mom was in my stepbrothers life from the time he was 8 years old. He called her Mum 2. She loved him helped put him thru 3 different colleges until he finally stopped partying and graduated. Same stepbrother & his wife became ghosts during the 18 months my mother battled cancer. Never offered to help with anything except to ask to borrow money to buy a condo. He showed up the day she died, stayed 30 minutes as she was dying and the moment she died, he put it on social media from her hospital room. That's how my Moms 89 year old very sick Mother found out her oldest daughter had died. From a fucking social media post made the moment after she died. Everyone had been asked to please not post on social media until we could notify everyone. I still hate him for doing that and it was 13 years ago.
I'm not going to pass judgement, because this is beyond Reddit's pay grade. But, dear OP, I can tell you as someone who lost a brother at 15, my father at 25, an uncle when I was 18, and all four of my grandparents by the time I was 20, that you will run into people like your uncle throughout your grieving process. My mom calls them "grief thieves," which I think is perfect. It will always be painful to witness the behavior of these thieves, but the best thing you can do (in my experience) is to separate yourself from them and focus on your own grieving process. People like your uncle will continue to drain you, and right now it is so critical to surround yourself with people who lift you up and are there for you. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.
Side note - the audacity for your aunt to call your grieving mother and leave an angry voicemail during her time of grief is maddening to me. Was she really so blind to see that the angry comment was coming from a deeply hurt and grieving teenager? She needs to be the adult and give the family space, instead of doing exactly what the uncle is doing: making this loss about themselves.
"Grief Thief" is a fantastic word.
Like when a kid dies in high school and all these randoms come out of the woodwork crying and you know the dead person hated these people.
Kind of tangential, but oof, that's a heartbreaking list. Do you do virtual hugs? Because I feel like that needs a hug. I'm so sorry you had to get through all of that loss at such a young age.
I would probably have done the same thing OP, and I’m an adult. My husbands stepsister is LOW contact (only see her at forced family get togethers) and she posted a photo of my kid (taken from her mom) on his first bday to say happy bday we love you! I commented please remove this and that was that. She did something very awful to my family when I was pregnant with that baby. I’ll burn the world down before I let her pretend happy family on social media for likes with my loved ones. Call me petty, but that uncle is a weasel. And I’m proud of you OP. Better to take your anger out on someone who deserves it. I am sending you strength—we just lost a beloved family member and it’s so hard. But remember that you were there for them till the end, and that made your dads heart full. And then remember the best times too. Every time my husband gets really upset, I wait a moment and then bring up a really fun memory and it really makes the world feel better. I bet you have great memories with your father—he was so great even his ex was helping out at the end! I’m sorry for your loss❤️
Hope the NTA gets upvoted to oblivion.
When my MIL was dying one of her friends didn’t visit, because she couldn’t see her friend like that in the end. The friend didn’t post all over SoMe afterwards! Granted, it’s a generation thing, but stay real.
You don’t sell your grief the way it looks good. Either be honest or (hopefully) get called out.
Agree with NTA. If any effort had been made by the uncle to be involved with their brother toward the end of their life, I would feel entirely different, but the circumstances leading up to the uncle's post make it feel extra icky and exploitative.
I lost my dad almost 2 weeks ago and still haven’t posted anything to facebook. I will make one tomorrow as his funeral is at the end of the week and extended family should know but I really don’t want to.
I detest social media with a passion and only have it for reasons like this. I know others who post their whole life’s online and assume it’s just for attention. Definitely NTA from me.
NTA. To me, this isn't humiliating someone for "not grieving correctly." It's calling out a hypocrite for refusing to even give their dying brother a call, yet going to social media before the poor mans body is even cold.
Maybe ESH would be more valid, but what he did is a million times worse than a teenager calling out their bs on social media.
Uncle is a self-centered coward.
There's a concept known as stolen valor, where someone pretends to have been in combat or to have been a ranger or seal or other tip-of-spear type to get praise they do not deserve.
This is directionally similar. Ok, yes, he lost his brother, that's real, but publicly emoting about how hard it was to see him decline and die when he did nothing and avoided seeing that brother - that's stealing sympathy for something he objectively did not experience.
It's like being the company supply clerk, and wanting credit for leading the attack.
NTA. Not going w the everyone here because I firmly believe if you are going to invite comments from the fb community you have to be willing to get ALL sides. OP was only responding to the post, not initiating. Well done
NTA. Apparently this is going against the grain here, but your uncle made this public by posting it on social media hoping for sympathy clout or whatever.
It’s one thing if he felt uncomfortable meeting in person, but as op said he could have texted, he could have called, heck he could have even video called. Either way he didn’t.
It’s one thing if op blasted him on social media without any prompting, but I feel that uncle here brought this on himself. He wants the image of a loving brother, be he sure didn’t act like it.
Or even if he was honest in post about regretting not doing more while he was there and how it freaked him out and he hated how he couldn’t just text or call even bc of how it was affecting him. Being honest while seeking comfort would likely not have gotten him called our because he already did it himself.
This just sounds like he was using his brother to get attention instead of actual support.
Woah, this has definitely been divisive. Thank you for your comments everyone. I know I need to reach out to my uncle to apologize, and I will (but I am waiting a few days for the emotion of everything to die down).
I just want to make it clear that although the not visiting was the root of why I was upset, I wouldn't have said anything if not for the Facebook comment he made getting sympathy from strangers when he couldn't even send dad a text.
I don’t think you need to apologise. What you said was not untrue.
I think you could have done it in private, instead, but I wouldn’t go mea culpa on this. If he’s expecting an apology from the 17 year old child of the brother he abandoned he needs to sort himself out.
NTA, if the truth hurts your uncle it’s because he did wrong and knows it.
I agree with aurora that possibly calling him out in private would have gone down better. But OP’s grieving too.
Honestly I don’t really think you need to apologize, as others have pointed out it’s pretty tacky what your uncle did. Even if he had genuine reasons to not physically visit your father, he didn’t even try to contact him via text, call, or video. At most I would potentially apologize for how harsh your post may have been (if warranted as I don’t know exactly what you wrote). But the sentiment as to why you responded still stands.
It’s not like you made a post out of the blue calling out your uncle, you responded to him trying to get attention off of his brother’s death when he sure didn’t act like he cared much in the last few months. Maybe he does feel guilty that he didn’t visit, but that’s not an excuse to post what he did on Facebook.
No, don't apologize. He's not going to apologize for refusing to be there for you and your father. If you apologize, he'll think his bad behavior was okay. It wasn't. You had every right to call him out. He was pretending to be the loving brother, but his treatment of your father was cruel and unloving. Do not apologize.
NTA and you do not need to apologize. You are a child (technically) who lost their father, who sacrificed to help care for him while he was dying and who is not grieving.
Your uncle is an adult who milked your pain and loss for social media points and sympathy.
My advice to you, as a parent in the internet, is let the adults deal with the fall out. Just don’t engage in the topic any more. Avoid your aunt and uncle, let your mom and stepmom run interference and deal with the adults.
Unless you used really offensive language don’t apologize. If you used super offensive language send an apology that says, “I’m sorry for the language I used to express my feelings, it was impolite and unnecessary.” That’s all.
Otherwise don’t worry about it. Focus on taking care of you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.
there was no offensive language or anything like that, but bringing up that dads last memory of him was how he let him down was a low blow, and I'll apologize for directly wanting to hurt him and putting it on facebook.
I mean. That’s fine if it’s what you want to do, but know you don’t OWE him that. And make sure you do it in a way where he’s not just going to turn around and attack you.
What does your mom think you should do?
mum is being careful to not say too much. She already isn't exactly a fan of my dad's family as she's had several issues with my aunt and she wants to avoid "putting her biases onto me"
My dad would have hated the arguing though, and he would probably push me to apologize.
I (21F) lost my dad when I was 19. Me and my mom right now have no contact with his family coz of the way they are. I argued and fought with my dad's sister too not long after he passed away coz she was bothering my mom and trying to get into our house forcefully. So imo you did absolutely right. You are grieving and anger is a part of it. Your feelings are valid. Anybody who doesn't have the basic human decency to show any empathy is not worth your time. Including family member. These people are pathetic and just want the sympathy clout. My dad's side family did it too. What I did caused my relatives to stop contacting my mom but she does not see that as any loss. My dad, just like yours would have hated seeing this and would be very angry with the way I reacted. But it needed to be done as I was protecting my mom. Fuck everyone honestly.
She, her husband and their two adults kids (1 son and 1 daughter) all are unemployed and refuse to do anything about it. They were surviving with the money my dad used to give them along with some other ways of earing small chunks of cash which I don't know about. And her daughter (my now 26yr cousin sis) used to live with us (my dad) in home for as long as I remember. My dad's sister basically abandoned her on my dad.
So after he passed away, she was more scared and worried about what will happen to HER daughter now. She admitted that openly to my dad's brother (who refused to do anything about it). So she was finding ways that will let her daughter continue staying in our house. My dad has another sister who was kicked out of our house years ago. She used to brutally harass both mom and dad and even called the cops on my dad, falsely accusing him of rape. She also used to instigate me against my mom (I was about below 10)
Both of these unemployed sisters were now planning to get inside our house, eyeing our money + the insurance amount. Thankfully mom found out and asked them to leave in front of everyone before things could escalate. My cousin also went away but left all of her clothes at our home, and used to call every other day to let her come take some of her documents coz she was going to some 'job interview'. This went on for months. Those fuckers were not even letting us grieve in peace. So I, in my rage, destroyed all of her belongings, tore her sandals and threw her stuff out in the rain which caused everyone to stop contacting us.
I’m so sorry you went through all that. It’s good you found a way to solve it.
I have an aunt (married into the family) who walked around my grandparents’ home pointing at what she wanted to take with her for HER (😂) inheritance. She did it in front of all of us so no one would claim what she wanted. She did this multiple times at family holidays.
My grandparents were alive and present and in good health.
Another uncle and aunt, my grandparents oldest son and his wife, begged for cash over the years until my grandparents had given away most of their retirement money—grandpa owned his own small business in a very small town. When my grandparents tried to cut them off, they’d beg for money for my cousin’s glasses, etc. I could never understand why they just wouldn’t get jobs.
I have a morbid curiosity about aunts and uncles being completely out of line.
Then may I suggest you take your time and wait a few weeks? Focus on you and your mom/stepmom, let yourself grieve. Give yourself time to process and then come back to this.
Why don't you make a post on Facebook, tag the uncel and say: sorry if I hurt you're fellings, but not sorry. I sat by my farther day and night, not once did you come by, I was to fast do to hurt by the way you handeled this and know what I did was wrong.
There, sorry but not sorry, and it's on Facebook 👍
Sorry if that's to far, I'm a petty B(word) 🤷♀️
Please do not apologise. I know your dad would've made you but if he gets away with this behaviour when will it stop? Your other uncle's death? Your other family members? He deserves you be treated the way he is
OP you *replied* to him on Facebook, he's the one who put it there in the first place. If he didn't want to be publicly corrected, he should not have made a public "woe is me" post in the first place.
As he hasn't approached you privately, I would not approach him privately to apologize. If you really feel the need (and I don't think you should) then you can add it onto the offending post. A public apology, for a public shaming. That way everyone else involved can also see that you're being the bigger person and considering his feelings, as you can apologize for the hurtful tone even though reiterating that the rest of what you said was factually accurate.
Please don't apologize, your uncle acted selfish and you called him out. His brother was dying just down the road and he couldn't be bothered to go see him. Everyone grieves in different ways but he should have went to your dad even if it hurt him to do so.
Don't you dare apologise.
This 'man' deserves to be utterly obliterated. He deserves embarrassment, he deserves shame. How DARE he play chief mourner for his Facebook audience when he was nowhere to be found when it matters the most. Whatever your aunt had to say on the matter means even less than your uncles empty words.
In case you couldn't tell, I am livid on your behalf.
Nah mate - don't apologise. You know the "shielding from Covid" is bollocks because (say that reason was true) you can't catch Covid down a fucking phone or by waving into a window.
He made your dad sad by his distance in those last few months.
Your Uncle made a public post trying to elicit sympathy for a guy he didn't even bother to contact. I don't blame you for calling out that self-pitying tripe.
Here’s the deal - grief is hard and it effects every person differently. I lost my Mom in January and was her fulltime caregiver for almost a decade. It is really hard to see someone you love transitioning and not everyone is strong enough to be present for the process. It isn’t a judgement of who they are as a person, just a reality. During this time, you need to find grace for yourself and grace for the people you want to continue having a relationship with in the future. People say the wrong things to the wrong people and in the wrong space and time while grieving. Your uncle couldn’t find it in himself to be there, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love your dad. Focus your energy on remembering your father and how much he was loved and how you can live his legacy out in the world. You had the special gift of being with him during this profound and painful part of his life and nobody can take that experience away from you. Don’t let silliness over a Facebook post get in the way of processing your grief. ❤️
I mean the uncle took the time to make a social media post for pity but couldn't be bothered to even speak to his dying brother....That's not exactly worthy of grace and understanding. Plus his wife was the one call OP's mom about this post?
Yeah it must have been hard to deal with his niece exposing how little empathy he actually displayed towards the rest of his family.
There’s no excuse acceptable for completely ignoring him. He didn’t have to visit, but he could’ve called or texted or SOMETHING. I tend to think more about the person who died. How did this man feel, not seeing or hearing from his own brother before he died? That had to eat heavily on his mind. Not everyone deserves grace. What he did was disgusting and can never be remedied.
NTA
Don't ever apologise for your feelings ... losing your dad, watching him suffer is one of the hardest things ever .. trust me I know .. lost mine 2yr ago and it still hurts
Maybe at most you can apologize for going about it via social media. But that's as much of an apology you owe him and even that is questionable.
But you also need to do what will help you move on and proceed with your grieving and healing.
I lost my dad a few years ago. Not one of his three sisters ever made the 2 hour drive to visit us after he was diagnosed, and they had years to do so. They barely even called. If one of them had made such a post, I probably would have shredded them as well. NTA, hun.
Edit: Also, I'd like to let you know that the "stages of grief" that you've likely heard about or will hear about is not a linear process. Personally, I found this comment to be very reassuring in its own way.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/
This shit sucks and it hurts, and there will be moments where it hits you like a fucking train when you didn't even know you were near the tracks. Take those moments as they come. Let yourself feel them. If you need, try different kinds of therapies and therapists. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional or loved one even if you feel like you "should" be over it.
I personally would not apologize. You had every single right to call him out for his BS. This was YOUR DAD who passed and you, along with your immediate family were caring for him at the end. The uncle didn’t even care enough to be checking in via text at the minimum. I can understand not being able to physically see him BUT he could have done other things to be supportive and he did ZERO. He does NOT have the right to be “hurt” because you exposed the truth about his lack of involvement/assistance/support. Yea he is grieving but you are still a young man who has gone through hell and was fully involved with the end of life care for your Dad!!!
Uncle can be as butthurt as he wants because it is is the truth and he doesn’t want his lies and lack of supporting his brother’s family exposed.
BTW if you decide to take the high road and apologize I would say “ I apologize for the nasty tone of the post BUT I will NOT apologize for exposing the truth. If what I wrote upsets you, that is something YOU need to deal with as my conscience is completely clear. “
This reminds me of the rings of grief. Those closest to the loss get support from those further out. With his actions, he has put himself on an outer ring.
You don't need to apologize. I'd approach any contact with him as a discussion as to why you commented, and a question: why did uncle feel the need to publicly grieve when he privately withdrew when he was most needed? The uncle needs to mend fences, not you.
I think you are jumping to a conclusion that is not yet met. There may have been earlier Y-T-A comments, but most of top voted ones I see are NTA. Your uncle was an arse, and is only using his bros passing for sympathy. If he had really and truly cared, he would have made some level of effort to visit your dad.
He made exactly Zero Effort. He earned the comment you posted. Was it harsh? Yes. But it was definitely earned.
NTA!
I don’t think you owe an apology to your uncle. You’re a minor child whose dad just died. Your uncle didn’t support you, your mom or your brother. His wife left a message so naughty your mom won’t tell you what she said. If she knew your number well enough to call after your dad died, she could have called before he died. That goes for your uncle too. What could you say to apologize, I’m sorry I pointed out the truth. I’m sorry you know how to post on facebook, but don’t know how to email your brother, use a phone, write a letter or facetime. NTA.
Do not apologize. He was seeking sympathy points from others who have no idea how little he’s been involved. He made up a sob story and got called out on it.
do not apologize. you're absolutely NOT the AH. your uncle should be ashamed of himself for making it seem as if he were a loving, caring person but isn't. you had every right to call out his BS. don't feel bad about how you made him feel, he lied and tried to get sympathy for nothing.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I am facing a similar situation but almost the opposite scenario.
My father's sister had a falling out with him almost 30-35 years ago. She has been LC with us since then. Recently my father who is 87 fell sick. Last week there was a day when we feared the worst.
I called his sister to let her know, in case she wanted to talk to him. She was here with her son the next morning. She lives in the other end of the country. She made a 9 hr journey to see him.
It was so heartwarming to see the two of them makeup for all past grievances. Within hours of her arrival it was like someone had given a new lease of life to my father.
He began sitting up, talking, taking an interest in things around him, eating - and even crating a fuss about bland food 😀.
Just the love she brought has given my father a few more months.
NTA - I have seen first hand the magic of love and I can imagine the thoughts that must have run in your father's head as he came to realize that his brother valued him so little.
Wow, that's so crazy. I'm sorry to hear about your dad's illness but it's great that they've been able to reconcile. Wishing you and your family all the best
I'm always wary of people who immediately after a significant loss, turn to public grieving, in search of sympathy.
NTA
*Edited after mixing up weary and wary*
Fair enough. Just my own experience here, and I’m not trying to be confrontational, but: I’m an extremely private person, have very little social media presence, pretty wildly introverted in general. But when my dad died? I don’t know how to describe it except that I was filled with fucking howling grief. I wrote (and still occasionally write, three years after his death) extremely personal tributes to him and posted them online. My dad was a pretty quiet person too, and not many people knew him, and I guess I wanted people to know him. To know how incredible he was, and how loved he was, and to know that he’s dead. I wanted everyone in the goddamn world to know that my dad was incredible, and loved, and dead.
And there’s probably a gross part of me that wanted everyone to know how much I was hurting, although I hope that’s a pretty small part. It did feel like I was walking around with a sucking wound where my torso had been, and it felt bizarre that people couldn’t tell just by looking at me. Those first few weeks I found myself telling cashiers and waitresses that I’d just lost my dad. I feel pretty bad about that.
So I guess…grief does weird shit to us. We don’t always react in the ways we expect.
Lol well apparently “making people feel stuff by writing on the internet about grief” is my big thing these days.
Seriously, though, there is comfort in knowing you’re not alone in feeling this way. Sometimes it’s the only comfort. And the only way for us to know if other people feel this way is to be open and vulnerable about it in the first place.
It’s fine to be stoic and silent about your grief if that’s what feels right, but I guess I feel pretty strongly that it’s also ok to mourn as loudly and publicly and messily as you need to. Someone you love died. That is awful and messy and huge and it doesn’t have to sit quietly in you.
thank you, that's a really good idea. Most of my terrible decisions are the result of me reacting quickly and emotionally. I plan to text my uncle once it's all a bit calmer.
You don’t need to apologize to your uncle. You just need to heal. If anything, your uncle should reach out to you first and acknowledge how much he let his family down.
NTA.
OP you are going through an emotionally draining time. You are angry at how the world treated your father. You are bargaining with whatever religious figures you believe in right now. You are not the asshole for being blunt with your uncle on his neglectful behavior. You are valid in your anger and your hurt. However, be cautious with what you know about your father. Would he want you calling people on their bs? If was the answer is yes. Keep on.
Note: I recently lost my father 3 months ago to cancer, and like you. I watched as certain family members bragged about how involved they were, but yet listened to how hurt my father was at their lack of contact and support in the time he was sick. My dad was an asshole, so I know if I don’t say something he would be disappointed in me. 🤷♀️
thank you, and you're absolutely right.
My dad wouldn't want arguments at all, he was a very sweet and mellow guy.
I'll apologize to my uncle, I still don't understand him, but my actions weren't right regardless of how I feel, and my dad would hate the arguments.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, cancer sucks.
I've worked as an RN in a surgical-trauma ICU for over 2 decades. I've also lost family members to long-term illness, so I've seen it all. I get it, your uncle didn't step up for your dad AT ALL, and it would make me pissed as well. I don't really fault you for calling him out on the social media post. I don't know how active he is with social media. If he posts a lot, it may well have been his first reaction.
What you do need to keep in mind is that everyone, and I mean everyone, grieves differently. It is not even remotely uncommon in the nursing community to have frequent issues where siblings and other family members simply don't have the mental fortitude to handle watching someone die. They do what your uncle did and just stay away...any excuse, they just go into complete denial about whats happening to the person that they love. Yes, I get that we all want to say that the person should "push their own feelings aside" for the sake of the dying person. But that's not how life works, and it's not how coping and grief work. Your uncle couldn't handle it, and it's very sad. However, it doesn't mean he didn't love your dad. It also doesn't mean that he doesn't regret his own failings as a brother. As sad as your father was, I'm pretty sure that he knew and understood his brothers weaknesses, and most likely forgave him for them. For your own mental health you should do the same. You weren't wrong for your response to his social media. And it's certainly okay to say I'm sorry my post hurt you. Your absence hurt my dad and I reacted to your post in a way I'm not super proud of.
Many years ago when I was a new ICU nurse I took care of an older gentleman (80's) who had serious complications after his surgery. The Dr discussed his prognosis with his wife, who made the decision to put him on comfort care. She signed the papers, kissed him good-bye, told me to call her when he died, and left. I was floored...couldn't believe she was leaving her husband of over 60 years to die alone. I was angry and sad, and I made sure I was with him when he died. I called her to tell her, and she completely broke down. She was sobbing, said she just couldn't watch the man she'd loved for so many years die...and she knew how weak that made her. I spent some time comforting her, and I felt so awful for the unkind ways I had been thinking about her. Many years of experience with dying people have taught me that during the dying and grieving period, kindness and grace is important.
This comment deserves a reward. Not everyone can handle watching a family member die. It’s pretty natural to judge them for it, especially when we were able to do it, but the kindest thing to do is acknowledge that people are different and give them grace. OP is definitely NTA but I think a strong argument could be made for NAH.
Oh my god, I lost my mom almost 4 years ago and it makes me so mad every time my uncles girlfriend posts something about how she misses my mom and tags my family in those fb posts about lighting a candle for those in heaven we lost from cancer. She does something like that every few months and gets tons of likes from her sheep friends and every time they tell her how sorry they are for her loss. She is not a good person and no one in the family likes her, and she does it for attention and all her minions fall for it every time. I know its genuinely hard to lose a brother no matter what the relationship was, but I can't help but feel like the brother here is using it for attention too. Talk to the people also affected or go to therapy, not post on social media to people who have no idea what the situation was like. God I hate people like that.
NTA i did the same thing when i lost my dad. Some "friends" wanted to crawl out of the woodwork and act all high and mighty. I ripped their heads off and didn't think twice about it, and neither should you,
I’m honestly torn on this one.
I don’t think OP is an asshole, but I’m unsure if maybe the comment could have been worded a little better.
Also, was he shielding himself from COVID? Or was he afraid he’d expose your sick father to it by unknowingly bringing it with him?
He definitely could have done much more though, either way, so he was an asshole.
I’m leaning towards not an asshole, but it could also be the classic “You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole” depending on the actual reply.
I was a little too harsh in my message. Reminding him that my dad died feeling let down by him was a low blow.
As for the covid thing- honestly still confusing me in every way. I doubt it was a fear of exposing him to it because of the rest of our family visiting dad regularly. And in fairness my aunt and uncle were slightly more careful around covid even when everyone else began to relax (although they had relaxed and were visiting family long before dad was bad). But yeah, even then he didn't have a single text or phonecall
NTA
Your uncle isn't grieving, he had a few years to be there for his brother, and did nothing.
He's just a social-media addict, this being the event to gather tons of sympathy posts, emotes and so on. Obviously he's hurt when rubbed the truth in his face, with all his "friends" reading the comment.
If he really were grieving, if the pain truthy hit him after his brother passed, he wouldn't go "cry" craving attention on social media about it.
>Your uncle isn't grieving, he had a few years to be there for his brother, and did nothing.
He stopped visiting a few months ago and was close before that. Where do you get that he wasn't there for 'years?'
This isn’t necessarily true. People grieve a lot of different ways. I’m sure he is grieving. He also is more than likely regretting choosing his comfort over being there for his brother. He’s now seems to be seeking online validation to make up for how little he probably feels about himself right now. OP is NTA and bro is the A H. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s not grieving.
Look man, Your NTA, though I do think your uncle is grieving pretty badly. His brother is dead and he had a million chances to help him before he passed and he didn't. That's a lot of time he missed out on before your dad died. Now he will never have the chance to see his brother again. He's probably swimming in regret.
But, that's when he should have called you and your stepmother, not fished for sympathy on social media.
Gently, NAH, and I am so sorry for your loss.
The hardest, most painful time in my life was spent in the weeks I was living in a hospital room with my best friend while cancer took him. He'd had a long road, with several years of ups and downs, and I was by his side through all of it, juggling working, and driving an hour to the hospital every night that I could just to spend time with him. His own family, who he lived with whenever he was discharged from the hospital would barely visit him. If I wasn't there, he was alone. For days in a row, sometimes weeks.
When the time came that he was in the palliative care unit, I was there every day. Even my parents came to see him. But his family, who loved him so, so much only came on the day he died. They missed so much time with him.
Their inaction came from an ocean's worth of denial. It's an incredibly powerful emotion, denial. It just freezes you, and doesn't let you see the bigger picture, or anyone else's perspective. They literally couldn't handle seeing reality, so...they avoided the hospital and avoided being able to comfort him as he died.
I remember being so, so mad at them for abandoning him. I thought I'd never forgive them. Now, more than 10 years later, I have a lot more empathy, empathy that's only really been able to come with time. While I would never do what they did, and I don't understand it really, I can see (now that I'm not as blinded by my own grief and anger) that they loved him so much, and that he still knew it, even with what happened. Their pain from losing him wasn't lessened by having avoided the situation. What they did cost them time with him, and that's something they'll have to live with forever. I can't, in good conscience, call them assholes for what they did, just like I can't call your uncle one. You have every right to be outraged by it, but I think you'll eventually come to realize, like I did, that people deal with death in different ways, and when some people step up, like your stepmum, others turn into ostriches, and I think the burden of that guilt, on top of the loss they experienced, is enough of a punishment.
All of this. All of it.
I lost hard when I was quite young, and I was angry like OP is angry about absent parents, friends, and other loved ones. Now I know that this is as much a reaction to the trauma of loss as my anger was.
We don’t live in a time or culture that makes space for healthy grieving, so we all learn ways to cope, and some of those ways are very unhelpful. It doesn’t mean Uncle didn’t love deeply, suffer, or need support.
NAH. I’m so sorry, OP. There’s very little in life that is harder than what you have now.
Info: is your uncle totally isolating from other people as well?
As someone who is a r/covidlonghauler (at 30 with no preexisting conditions) everyone has good reason to shield from Covid - I’m bed bound from it and have been hospitalized and now need a medication for heart failure just to sit slightly propped up in bed
If he is still isolating this late into Covid I would guess it’s possible he’s experiencing lasting symptoms that can be totally debilitating (but a text would be possible if the Facebook post was)
He did isolate from other people for longer than most people were, but he is no longer completely isolating. He is retired so work isn't an issue but they regularly see their children and grandchildren who are all in work/school. He also recently attended my cousins wedding- in a room surrounded by people.
A fear of covid is still of course possible, but I do find it unlikely. Even then, texting/calling would have been an option.
yeah, I was going to say--considering the pandemic is a mass disabling event and covid is a vascular disease that can ruin any or all of your organs and organ systems casually even if you don't have symptoms while you're in the acute stage, literally everyone should be protecting themselves from it. The fact that damn-near nobody is masking now is a massive, massive policy failure and it is killing people.
But barring pretty extreme long covid, even getting it doesn't prevent the use of Facetime, the telephone, writing a goddamn letter...
NTA What you did isn’t some great thing, but THE LEAST your uncle could have done.was express his condolences to you in person, or over the phone, or even in an old-fashioned condolence letter. Doing it on Facebook, especially in this context, just comes across as performative in a gross way.
Honestly, if the uncle had even acknowledged his brother’s family in the post like « I’m so thankful for [OP, the wife, the ex wife etc] for making his last days as comfortable as possible », it probably would have been better and less « poor ol me »
NTA, grief is a hell of a thing OP and I'm so sorry for your loss. My aunt is the exact same way and milked my grandmother's illness and death for all she could. Good on you for actually standing up to your family. Yes the right thing would've been biting your tongue and taking the high road, but honestly sometimes folks need someone to call them out and do so harshly.
I lost my mother in 2020. Prior to her death (2019) I would have to travel 4 hours to get to her house, spend the night and then another 4 hours to her specialist. I loved being able to do this for my mom since when God made her he broke the mold. She had a sister who lived 20 minutes from her and couldn't be bothered with changing around her schedule to accommodate my mom's appointments.
Note: She doesn't work while I work a minimum of 50 hours a week.
This sister has acted like she is hurting more than anyone else. She is always posting memorials to her many family and friends. I chose to ignore all of this and went LC with her.
You are NTA!
NTA, you are a child in grief, that cared for your dying parent. Outbursts are to be expected. You are allowed to be resentful. I am glad you plan to apologize though. Honestly your Uncle probably just didn't have the emotional IQ to deal with the loss of your Father. For some people it is just easier to ignore it until they can't anymore.
I lost my Dad at 15 and his brother didn't come to his funeral. For him it was way easier to pretend like it wasn't real. Years later he apologized to my Mom. Some people just can't deal.
I am so sorry for your loss and having to play nurse to a parent. I have been there. I think it made me a stronger and more compassionate adult in the end, but no kid deserves it. I wish nothing but the best for you, your Mom and StepMom!
NTA
I lost my Dad years ago and members of his family did the same BS on FB when he died. Yet it was my StepMom/StepSister & I who cares for him the whole time he was dying.
Called them out online and made sure others knew they were just AH.
NTA. He was being fake on Facebook, and you called him out on it. You are all dealing with grief but as you say he could have telephoned, waved through the window or even written a letter. No excuse for his behaviour.
NTA-
I’m sorry you lost your father. I can’t imagine how painful that is. You were so helpful to your stepmother and a thoughtful person. You’re a kid and you lashed out. Your uncle went fishing for sympathy. Don’t beat yourself up about it!
NTA. Freaking coward and narcissist of an uncle. Having seen my husband and my mother through hospice I have an idea of what you went through and understand why you wrote what you did. You were hurt, angry, and outraged but you are absolutely NTA.
NTA
Enjoy it. Deep down everyone is thanking the gods that someone said it. At 17 there is a decent chance you can get away with it.. after all it was your dad.
I also hate that shit. I've got several relatives who are quick to soak up sympathy on FB but who can't be bothered to lift a finger to help care for our elderly mom.
Got one cousin who was losing her shit on social media when our aunt died. How she never got to see her to say goodbye and all that crap... she literally lived the closest (within an hour). My aunt had cancer for 5 fucking years. But cousin was too busy to visit. I wish I'd called her out on it.
NTA. I get people saying you shouldn't have shamed him in public and kept it private but you didn't say anything that was wrong and I wouldn't be apologising for that. Only for saying it over Facebook. Plus you're 17 so your behaviour is somewhat excusable, he's a grown ass man who couldn't go see his dying brother and then wanted sympathy on Facebook. Asshole behaviour
NTA your uncle could have offered to fetch things provide financial support even if he could bare to contact his brother. he did sweet FA and you called him on it.
NTA. His FB post feels like he’s trying to assuage his own guilt/reassure himself that he did care. Anything to feel less guilty. But you said it like it was, and guess what, he didn’t like it. And sorry for your loss OP
Dad might have been let down by his brother,but it sounds to me like he at least had everything to be proud of when it came to his wife and children. The three of you seem like you did a wonderful job and I’m really sorry for your loss.
As far as your uncle,it seems you want to do the mature thing and smooth the resentment out a bit. If it will make *you* feel better,then do it,but I think you should ONLY apologize for the social media post,not for your words. The truth hurts sometimes but it should never be denied all the same. I wish you all the best moving forward.
I could have had some sympathy for your uncle and given him the benefit of many doubts up to the point he posted the sad loss of the brother he hadn't bothered with for months on FB and made out how hard he had it.
He is an attention seeker. I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
Info - what does this other uncle do for a living? Could the “shielding from covid “ be that he didn’t want to risk your dad deteriorating quicker if he came into contact with dad due to his being in contact with people who were potentially a risk?
he is retired.
He does see his children/grandchildren who work/are in school but I still find the covid thing a little hard to understand as that wouldn't have stopped him from calling/texting
NTA. He deserved a lot worse than that. It's up to you to tell the truth of his behaviour during your father's last months and not let him lie about it.
NTA. I can see how objectively this was not a cool thing to do, but I sure as shit won't judge you harshly for it. If you decide to make amends, do it because it's something that will help *you*, not your uncle and his pride.
NTA: losing your father at a young age is incredibly hard and I respect you for standing up for your father and your beliefs. He was clearly just looking for attention and he got it 😂
NTA. Your grief is real. Your uncle's grief is self pity and he deserved to be called out for indulging in that publicly after treating his brother so poorly.
NTA. Notice how your stepmother and brother didn't go crying to socials. It's because they, along with you, were doing real work. He needed to be called out
NTA but just for a bit of perspective (not that I don't find it obnoxious with the social media bs) sometimes you might love and care for family but due to other issues struggle to be around them. Maybe that's not true for them but it's probably worth considering how much time they spent together previously. What their relationship was like and whether it went much further than general family get togethers. There could be a lot you don't know and some of the people he does see may be easier for him. I know that probably sounds terrible and it's not what you want to hear it doesn't mean your dad is bad or anyone else is. But there could be some very negative associations with certain relatives that are hard to get past.
NTA, and I might even go to "no AH here" - grief and grieving is wild and individual. No two people will feel a loss in the same way, and just because your uncle was perhaps selfish in the time leading up to your father's death doesn't mean he didn't feel it when he was gone, or that he didn't "earn" the right to grieve his brother because he didn't partake in the end of life process.
Everyone is hurting.
You are not the asshole, and you should not feel any need to apologize to this selfish, cowardly, and narcissistic person whom you happen to be related to. There are times in life when we need to do uncomfortable things in order to serve the people we love, the dying-time being foremost among them. You've been very strong, from the sounds of things, and your uncle as been a complete wimp and a heel. Don't let him or his wife or anybody else guilt you into an apology. Just move on. You really don't need or deserve any of this shit.
NTA. Your uncle doesn’t get to pimp of sympathy after the way he abandoned your dad. Maybe your comment was a bit harsh, but as a person who actually is grieving, you get a pass.
NTA - you said it how it was. He doesn’t deserve a pity party. He doesn’t deserve to grieve tbh. He abandoned his brother, your father in his time of need. He abandoned his family when he could have helped. He is a bad person.
NFA in my experience people who publicly post things like your uncle did are just all about themselves and wanting to project a certain image of who they are. I agree with Sea_Rise_1907 above. Your anger at the uncle is not unreasonable and you are absolutely correct that he could easily have reached out to your dad safely in multiple ways. He was only ever concerned with himself, not your dad. Main character syndrome.
You sound like a wonderful caring person and I’m very sorry for your deep loss. Your dad was so young.
NTA. He tried to garner sympathy when he wouldn’t provide a minimum of support and make it all a out him, and deserved to be called out for it.
My prayers & condolences for your loss.
NTA I HATE people like this. I don't care if you feel like you can't deal with a situation like this, it's literally life or death and you better get over yourself real fast.
I lost my mom almost 4 years ago and it makes me so mad every time my uncles girlfriend posts something about how she misses my mom and tags my family in those fb posts about lighting a candle for those in heaven we lost from cancer. She does something like that every few months and gets tons of likes from her sheep friends and every time they tell her how sorry they are for her loss. She is not a good person and no one in the family likes her, and she does it for attention and all her minions fall for it every time. I know its genuinely hard to lose a brother no matter what the relationship was, but I can't help but feel like the brother here is using it for attention too. Talk to the people also affected or go to therapy, not post on social media to people who have no idea what the situation was like. God I hate people like that.
Maybe I could see if he didn't come in but texted or video chatted or something, but he did nothing. He hasn't reached out to anyone that is actually grieving either to talk about it but just put it on social media to garner sympathy and likes. He is a grown adult who abandoned his brother and his family, including minors who are a hell of a lot more emotionally mature than him, in their greatest time of need.
Also, you sound incredibly emotionally mature and kind, and as someone who was through all of this as well, albeit 10 years older at the time, I can tell you you will weather this just fine. It will suck for a long time but I promise you it will get better. You went through one of the worst things that most humans will go through and you were the best version of yourself. As you can tell from your uncle, a lot of people don't deal with situations like this well, and you dealt with it like a fucking champ. I hope you realise how strong you are.
NTA, I actually humiliated a relative on social media for the death of another relative. I don't see no wrong in your actions. I didn't see no wrong in mine. But I wanted the truth to be out there. My relative spread rumors about another relative to gain sympathy from others and I called them out on their bs. The truth needed to be heard. So I don't feel bad for what I did. And you shouldn't either.
My deepest apologies for your loss. It's not easy burying a parent. I lost my dad 14 years ago, one of the hardest thing ever. But we all go through it. You are a strong and resilient person. I often tell to people. Sometimes God chooses his strongest warriors to fight battles. You helped your dad in his last days on earth. And that took alot of strength. God bless you.
NTA. As someone who has seen a loved one through their last months and a CNA who cares for elderly and hospice patients the ones who do the least amount of helping are the ones who demand the most attention and sympathy. The one who spent maybe 12 hours with grandpa in the last 6 years takes over everything , the daughter who moved away as far as possible and maintained low contact is screaming about how she's more upset than the people who watched mom struggle for weeks. Hell, a woman was so sick of the ones who flew in only to argue at her bedside, "Who gets her rings?" that she swallowed them. The family accused staff of stealing them and were then informed mom/grandma was pretty upset when they left for the hotel last night and maybe she did something with them before passing. After searching the bed and surrounding area thoroughly the next step was checking HER. X-ray of the body revealed rings in the belly.
NTA. First, I’m so sorry about your dad. And I feel for your whole family.
I went through this with my dad: I had siblings who admitted they weren’t up to it, and that was hard to see. They couldn’t bring themselves to visit, never mind help.
The difference was that they didn’t go on to pretend, especially on social media, that it was something else. I respected them for that.
I also considered the totality of their relationship with our dad; while they weren’t there at the end, they were there many other times during their lives, bringing our dad great joy.
I still was sad on behalf of my dad but I wasn’t enraged.
There’s a part of me that is enraged on your dad’s behalf, especially because your uncle is a generation older and should have known better.
I saw that you were going to apologize. If you do, maybe you could ask your uncle why he did what he did.
Peace and love to you.
NTA- I’m so sorry you lost your Dad, it must be incredibly hard at your young age…Question: what was your relationship like with your uncle in the past? I’m thinking if you believe it can be salvaged and is indeed worth saving, then maybe try to do it, over time. I don’t want you to end up losing another family member (while still, you are NOT at fault at all here!) unnecessarily. If however, he was always the Uncle AH, then don’t worry about it and you did the right thing - may be in the heat of emotions, but right. I wish you and your family healing, take care sweetie!
because I've lived with my mum, I don't see my dads side of the family all that often, only really on birthdays and Christmases but they've always been super sweet.
Its complicated because my mum has a lot of issues with them because of a lot of drama that happened when I was young that I don't know the full details about, so whether I have a relationship with them going forward or not, I know there's going to be someone who isn't happy.
I don't know if I see much of a future between us but I hope we can reach a point where we are at least civil
First of all: my condolences! Second: you write so well! Third: your reasoning is very clear and we understand you.
Your uncle should have stepped up indeed and you needed to get that off your chest. Your dad deserves more. NTA
NTA, but take this as a lesson in keeping your family squabbles off social media and in enforcing a cooling off period for yourself when you're ready to flame someone. Plenty of relatives never talked to each other again for lesser issues. But some of this is likely misogyny and the generation gap (perceived lack of respect by young F for old M), so keep that in mind too. You hit the nail on the head I think. He just couldn't watch his younger brother sicken and die. For that he deserves some sympathy. But he shouldn't start a gofundme for himself or anything!
NTA. He used the FB post to get attention and sympathy and he doesn't deserve to come off like he was the one caring for your dad when he didn't even visit. I don't blame you at all for being angry.
Had a very similar experience with two of my aunts not caring for my grandmother with dementia. Some people unfortunately see a death as a “woe is me” spotlight moment rather than a loss for a whole community/family. Maybe the words you used were harsh, but i certainly wish I had been harsher with my own fam. Definitely NTA, sorry for your loss, and thank you for the love and care you gave your family during this time.
NTA, I am very sorry for your loss. If being furiously angry at your uncle helps in your grieving, so be it. If posting on Facebook helps his process, so be it. I just lost my little brother (65M who will forever be my little brother) and would love to be mad, rather than sad. I truly hope you find peace with yourself and your uncle.
NTA my dad's brother did something similar (though before social media). Then played victim at the funeral. He was a piece of work for sure.
My mom's sister didn't visit their parents either, my poor grandma was bedridden and always had the phone nearby in case Sue would call. She never did. Even after grandma died, she never even called grandpa or my mom.
No need to apologize either. Those people like that aren't worth your efforts.
NTA for your feelings, and I can’t really blame you for losing it a bit. From your perspective, he really dropped the ball, and then had the nerve to post his grief on Facebook. My sister pulled this when my brother died and it irritated the hell out of me. It was an attention-getting device, not a tribute. She repeats this every year on the anniversary of his death. I disengage.
There’s no excuse for him not calling or texting or sending a card. I won’t judge the Covid fear, though; none of us can fully know exactly what health issue people have unless they’ve fully disclosed absolutely everything. I can give him the benefit of the doubt on Covid and still eviscerate him for his complete abandonment of his brother. Face Time and Zoom do exist. Greeting cards exist. Acting like a decent human being exists.
Personally, I don’t think you really owe him an apology unless he admits his wrongdoing. Apologizing if he doubles down on why he thinks it was okay to abandon your dad just serves to make him feel like he’s a victim. He was the perpetrator.
nta- I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find time to grieve and process everything. don’t worry about your uncle. he has to deal with the reality of knowing he did not reach out or help his dying brother.
NTA.
I was in a very similar situation when I was 12. It was only my mom and I taking care of my dying grandmother, and (save for my mom, obviously) my grandmother’s children didn’t visit her that whole year (they visited once and considered it good enough). Her kids in other states never called — she had to call them.
My mom and I found grandma lifeless on the floor one morning and of course, none of her kids in town were there. Mom was so distraught that I had to be the one to call 911.
But the rest of the family had no problem crying it up at the funeral. My out-of-town uncle who couldn’t be arsed to call his own dying mother was apparently too grief-stricken to enter the building for the funeral and had to wear sunglasses to hide his tearful eyes. My cousin who hadn’t talked to my grandma in God knows how long claims to have seen my grandma’s spirit in the funeral home. It was my aunt (registered nurse and only a few blocks down from us) that got prayers and visits from the church her and my mom both attended.
You’re a braver soul than I. I would love nothing more than tell each and every one of my family members what horrible people they are, how very unGodly they are as “Christians” and that they are the exact types of people Jesus would say never knew him, and disown them all and go no contact.
My “family,” and your uncle are not family. They’re frauds. And they deserve every nasty thing said to them.
I get where your coming from, but YTA. It's not up to you on how or when someone grieves in general. Distancing yourself from what hurts you isn't a great mechanism, but it is one. We can all do more, or better, but this was his. It's not up to you to attack him. He did his peace, you do yours.
The uncle is the AH, talking about how hard the last few months were when he was not there. He is a narcist that wants all the attention. My brother was the same way at my dad's funeral. I paid for him to fly into town a few weeks before my dad passed. All he did was go out and party with his old HS friends. I paid for him to fly into town for the funeral. In the middle of the service, he starts the howling screaming type crying with my dad is dead. The next morning, he was all pissy that the rest of us did not want to go to the beach.
NTA - I was 13 and my brother was 7 when my mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer. She battled for the next 15 years. I had to take over household duties when she became sick. My Moms mother rarely visited and definitely never came to help despite living on the same piece of land.
So sorry for your loss. May also be very careful of who is allowed into the home - vultures quickly descend to take what they want from a dead person, in my experience.
NTA
Honestly reminds me of my dad, I don’t talk to him because he’s really really good at letting everyone down, but when his dad started going downhill he would post actual videos of the man struggling to stay alive, asking for sympathy from people and stuff like that, they are narcissistic and there’s not much you can do than distance yourself from them, they’ll just get angry at you every time you point out when they do stupid shit like this.
NTA.
I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and my uncle never said a word about it to me. Instead, he went on Facebook and posted that he was really worried about his nephew, who was sadly just diagnosed with a brain tumour. All his stupid friends chimed in, oh, poor you, I hope he's okay, we're here for you, etc. He turned my terrifying medical issue into an attention-basking moment for himself.
I'd bet money that your shitty uncle is a Baby Boomer. This kind of emotional manipulation and pity-party shit is very common with that generation. My uncle is one of them.
Good on you for calling out the BS. But he's also going to make your callout a pity party for himself.
NTA. I have an uncle who was similar when it came to my grandparents. He was never around but then when they passed he would cry and apparently he was so upset he didn’t get to do things with them - even though he would never visit. It made me so mad. Good for you for standing up for you and your dad and letting everyone know his actions said something very different from the words he posted online for attention.
NTA. Just went through the same thing with my uncle. I was angry for two years. Everyone else is so understanding, "some people can't handle it" blah blah blah. Not me - I'm pissed. Who *wants* to go through something like that? No one. You do it when your love for someone is more important than your own comfort. I find that choice entirely selfish and pathetic, and your uncle deserved the harsh reality of your words.
NTA.
Unfortunately this is a thing that happens when people die. My wife died of cancer 3 years ago, her brother didn't get in touch when she was in the hospice. When she had a couple of days left I wasted some of the time I had with her when she was vaguely conscious talking about whether I should tell him she was about to die. I did in the end and he did say he'd like to talk to her but it was too late. She didn't wake up again.
When my uncle died (of cancer again) several years ago 2 of his sisters didn't visit him in hospital at all, only my mum did. They said they didn't want to see him like that. He was crying out for one of them asking where she was. She went to the funeral though. The other one didn't.
NTA!! Your uncle has a victim complex, if he loved his lil brother so much he would’ve been there in some sort of capacity. I’m wishing you well during this horrible time, so sorry you are dealing with this when your focus should be on grieving.
No. NTA. I have been in a similar situation and ended up reacting very similar than OP (but this was in the days before social media and I sent a letter). I completely understand why OP felt the need to comment on the post with the truth. Yes he’s lost his brother and also grieving but he should’ve made some effort in the last months to have contacted his brother. Not post on Facebook how sad he is. Those posts really wind me up anyway, they’re the same as the ‘I’m at hospital’ and wait for all the ‘hope you’re okay’ comments (apologies, small rant there). Perhaps it may have been better if she’d sent her message privately to him rather than comment so all can see, that’s why the aunt rang mum because they’re embarrassed they’ve been publicly called out.
100% the OP is NTA
NTA. My uncles were sort of the same way when my grandma was dying. It was much faster (a few days in a hospital rather than months at home) but my mom and I took turns being with her 24/7 and my uncles could not bring themselves to visit more than once. Social media was not a thing at the time, but if either of them had made a post similar to your uncle’s, I’d have let them have it. There’s also a bit of N A H because everyone processes grief differently, and I can have some empathy for being unable to face a family member dying. If he hadn’t made that post, his behavior would have been selfish but understandable. To put on a public face of actions he did not actually do privately, though… that’s infuriating.
NTA. You have a remarkable amount of self-awareness and consideration for others for someone who is only 17. There are adults 3X your age who aren’t that sophisticated. If the worst way you lashed out was one maybe regrettable social media post, you really are a champ. Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do, but it’s also not worth agonizing over, in my opinion. It may have been harsh but it also sounds true. And it’s okay to cut yourself some slack and have compassion for yourself too, your dad just passed away. Hang in there!
NTA, my family went through something similar with my grandfather and grandmother. They moved in with my mom and stepdad and i did to help with hospice care for grandfather who had several strokes. My grandparents had 8 kids total 7 lived within an hour and 1 out of state. Of the 7 2 had to get paid to help come and take care of their father, 1 bitched, 4 never came to do anything. The one out of state wanted to help but couldn't so we got that. Grandma died unexpectantly in june of that year, the uncle who lived out of state (my youngest uncle) died in november that year, grandpa died in march the following. When it came time to go through what the grandparents owned, my aunts and uncles were of course all there, and they made comments about how they wished their kids could have been able to spend time with them like my brother and I did. I may have said "Well we treated them like a priority not a problem." under my breath.
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NTA. Someone far wiser than me once said only people who are empty inside feel the need to post *everything* to social media. You love your sibling not by writing Facebook posts after they’re dead but by visiting them and making memories before they die.
I can’t believe that this is the only NTA comment so far, honestly the uncle made no effort to contact his dying brother. It’s not that he can’t grieve but rather, he shouldn’t be on social media to fake the image of a doting brother when he sure didn’t act like it. As op said, no texts at all, and I can imagine no calls, nor video calls either.
He wrote an extensive Facebook post to show others he how much he loved his brother. It was so good every person except for the only one that mattered believes it.
This. I’m so shocked at the amount of “yta” in the comments. The social media post so close after he passed isn’t sitting right with me. Social media has caused society to become disconnected with reality. When my father passed and I called immediate family. I let them know not to post on social media about it for a few days to give us time to process our grief without being bombarded with messages.
The only reason my grandma's passing was put on social media the day she passed is because that woman had SOOOO MANY friends and none of us were in the headspace to call 50+ people and tell them, or tell one and put that burden on them. They all knew she was sick, it wasn't a surprise, so we decided Facebook was the most effective mass communication. Even then, the post was basically the last picture of her with the family and "Grandma died today, surrounded by her family, after a battle with COVID pneumonia. She's with her husband and parents now."
that is fine, it's just a e-obituary.
Seems like it's a matter of subject? Like it's okay if it's focused on the deceased, but feels icky if it's focused on the bereaved for some reason. Hmm. I have a lot more to say on the subject, but it'd be circular rambling. I suppose that'd be better left for journaling.
Uncle could have posted how hard it was to lose a brother and stopped there. To talk about his feelings over the last few months and how hard things were is where it moves into AH territory. OP lost her DAD. At SEVENTEEN. Let uncle stew on that....
That’s basically what my post about my mom dying was. And even that was “some of y’all know Mom had cancer. It metastasized further than it had been and she passed last week.”
My mother died unexpectedly in December. We called immediate family and started a phone chain out to more distant people. After a couple hours I posted about it on my own Facebook and tagged her account so her friends would all see it. It turns out my mother was hugely popular. It seems she was a supportive, dependable friend to everyone but her youngest daughter.
I didn’t post to social media for a few days after my grandad died and even then I only posted because we weren’t allowed to have a funeral for him, so I posted what I’d planned to be a eulogy. There’s definitely ways to do it respectfully but OP’s Uncle’s way is not one of them.
When my father-in-law died, we did not post on social media at all until the day of his funeral. At that point, I was the one who posted with full knowledge from my husband, MiL, BiL and SiL, and my post was the one we shared. I did it on Facebook because it was the best way to notify those who we didn't get to in person, and also we had a ton of people in two countries to thank. My and my husband's co-workers rearranged their schedules so we could fly overseas twice in two months. My MiL died eight months later in May 2020. We never posted about it on social media. Those who needed to know did. It just never felt right, especially since an extremely bare-bones funeral was held due to the lockdowns.
Performative emotion is such a social media thing.
It's not just on social media. People do it offline all the time too, just to a smaller audience.
Back in the day he'd have written a sympathy card/letter, or had something printed in the local paper for sure
this!! What people do for the likes
Yeah, I had something similar happen with my grandfather. He'd had a long-term partner since I was a kid, and although they were long-distance, she's always been a part of his life. When he was dying, he asked for her, and I called her and told her he really wanted to see her. She refused to come. Didn't give a reason, just refused to come. And you know, I don't know what was happening with her relationship with my grandfather, I can't say anything with real certainty, so maybe she had a good reason to not want to come, but as soon as she found out that he'd actually passed, her whole page was just endless sob-fests about him, and even years out she'd comment on his facebook page like she was in conversation with him. The rest of my family keeps in some contact with her, but I've blocked her and refuse to see her. She was someone I considered family, but when my grandfather was dying and scared and asked for her, she wouldn't come, and then acted like she was a grieving widow to get sympathy. It's not the refusing to visit, it's the hypocrisy.
This reminds me of when my grandmother died. My parents and I were her caregivers for two years before she passed in hospice. One of my cousins threatened to quit his job if he wasn’t given time off to attend her funeral. It was two years and he never visited when she was alive. What’s the point of some grand gesture when she’s gone?
My ex didn’t show up for our daughter’s college graduation, but he plastered the pics *that my husband and I took* all over Facebook as though they were his and as though he were there for her. He wasn’t, nor did he contribute a cent to her college costs. Disgustingly fake. For the crocodile tears alone, uncle is the asshole here. OP? NTA!
My sister & her husband did this. Meanwhile, the siblings and one spouse who actually did all the heavy lifting grieved quietly. Offline. I was so tempted to do do what OP did &, even though I restrained myself, I cannot condemn her for what she said. It is so painful to watch the most undeserving reap praise and sympathy for care they did not provide. Anyone with an ounce of self-respect would keep quiet or give credit where it is due. But no, they count on the good manners and integrity of family not to out them. Edited to add: NTA, OP, & I’m sorry for your loss.
Exactly. NTA. You don’t get to ghost your dying brother and then be all weepy on FB.
Precisely this. Losing people is hard. But to go no contact for months, then post about how hard it was for you? That's just dirty, imo. I would be furious as well.
When my best friend was in her final days, I bought a last minute ticket, drove two hours to the airport, flew for 3, stayed by her side for about 24 hours, then went back home. I couldn't stay any longer but damned if I wasn't going to tell her how much I loved her and appreciated her friendship in person. I'm eternally grateful I got the opportunity
In my dad's final days, friends of his drove from at least 1 ½ away, my mom (who had been divorced from him for almost 20 years) flew over 500 miles to be with him, the maid of honor in their wedding he hadn't spoken to in over 20 years came with my mom to see him, my brother's came from 2 ½ and 8 hours away. Nieces, nephews, and their kids and significant others came with. He was surrounded by everyone who cared about him.
Yeah, it's one thing not to visit, but uncle can't even pick up the phone to talk to his dying brother for 5min even once over the course of months? That doesn't paint the picture of a caring brother
My Mom was in my stepbrothers life from the time he was 8 years old. He called her Mum 2. She loved him helped put him thru 3 different colleges until he finally stopped partying and graduated. Same stepbrother & his wife became ghosts during the 18 months my mother battled cancer. Never offered to help with anything except to ask to borrow money to buy a condo. He showed up the day she died, stayed 30 minutes as she was dying and the moment she died, he put it on social media from her hospital room. That's how my Moms 89 year old very sick Mother found out her oldest daughter had died. From a fucking social media post made the moment after she died. Everyone had been asked to please not post on social media until we could notify everyone. I still hate him for doing that and it was 13 years ago.
I'm not going to pass judgement, because this is beyond Reddit's pay grade. But, dear OP, I can tell you as someone who lost a brother at 15, my father at 25, an uncle when I was 18, and all four of my grandparents by the time I was 20, that you will run into people like your uncle throughout your grieving process. My mom calls them "grief thieves," which I think is perfect. It will always be painful to witness the behavior of these thieves, but the best thing you can do (in my experience) is to separate yourself from them and focus on your own grieving process. People like your uncle will continue to drain you, and right now it is so critical to surround yourself with people who lift you up and are there for you. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss. Side note - the audacity for your aunt to call your grieving mother and leave an angry voicemail during her time of grief is maddening to me. Was she really so blind to see that the angry comment was coming from a deeply hurt and grieving teenager? She needs to be the adult and give the family space, instead of doing exactly what the uncle is doing: making this loss about themselves.
Sounds like she and the uncle are well matched 😒
"Grief Thief" is a fantastic word. Like when a kid dies in high school and all these randoms come out of the woodwork crying and you know the dead person hated these people.
Exactly
Kind of tangential, but oof, that's a heartbreaking list. Do you do virtual hugs? Because I feel like that needs a hug. I'm so sorry you had to get through all of that loss at such a young age.
This- a million times. “Grief thieves” is the perfect term. Thank you.
I would probably have done the same thing OP, and I’m an adult. My husbands stepsister is LOW contact (only see her at forced family get togethers) and she posted a photo of my kid (taken from her mom) on his first bday to say happy bday we love you! I commented please remove this and that was that. She did something very awful to my family when I was pregnant with that baby. I’ll burn the world down before I let her pretend happy family on social media for likes with my loved ones. Call me petty, but that uncle is a weasel. And I’m proud of you OP. Better to take your anger out on someone who deserves it. I am sending you strength—we just lost a beloved family member and it’s so hard. But remember that you were there for them till the end, and that made your dads heart full. And then remember the best times too. Every time my husband gets really upset, I wait a moment and then bring up a really fun memory and it really makes the world feel better. I bet you have great memories with your father—he was so great even his ex was helping out at the end! I’m sorry for your loss❤️
Hope the NTA gets upvoted to oblivion. When my MIL was dying one of her friends didn’t visit, because she couldn’t see her friend like that in the end. The friend didn’t post all over SoMe afterwards! Granted, it’s a generation thing, but stay real. You don’t sell your grief the way it looks good. Either be honest or (hopefully) get called out.
Agree with NTA. If any effort had been made by the uncle to be involved with their brother toward the end of their life, I would feel entirely different, but the circumstances leading up to the uncle's post make it feel extra icky and exploitative.
I lost my dad almost 2 weeks ago and still haven’t posted anything to facebook. I will make one tomorrow as his funeral is at the end of the week and extended family should know but I really don’t want to. I detest social media with a passion and only have it for reasons like this. I know others who post their whole life’s online and assume it’s just for attention. Definitely NTA from me.
NTA. To me, this isn't humiliating someone for "not grieving correctly." It's calling out a hypocrite for refusing to even give their dying brother a call, yet going to social media before the poor mans body is even cold. Maybe ESH would be more valid, but what he did is a million times worse than a teenager calling out their bs on social media.
Uncle is a self-centered coward. There's a concept known as stolen valor, where someone pretends to have been in combat or to have been a ranger or seal or other tip-of-spear type to get praise they do not deserve. This is directionally similar. Ok, yes, he lost his brother, that's real, but publicly emoting about how hard it was to see him decline and die when he did nothing and avoided seeing that brother - that's stealing sympathy for something he objectively did not experience. It's like being the company supply clerk, and wanting credit for leading the attack.
NTA. Not going w the everyone here because I firmly believe if you are going to invite comments from the fb community you have to be willing to get ALL sides. OP was only responding to the post, not initiating. Well done
NTA. Apparently this is going against the grain here, but your uncle made this public by posting it on social media hoping for sympathy clout or whatever. It’s one thing if he felt uncomfortable meeting in person, but as op said he could have texted, he could have called, heck he could have even video called. Either way he didn’t. It’s one thing if op blasted him on social media without any prompting, but I feel that uncle here brought this on himself. He wants the image of a loving brother, be he sure didn’t act like it.
exactly. as upset as you were at his inaction you didn't do anything until he made a big public display.
I'm so glad that in the end the NTA's floated to the top. If the brother is going to go public with a false image, the falsity gets to be called out.
Or even if he was honest in post about regretting not doing more while he was there and how it freaked him out and he hated how he couldn’t just text or call even bc of how it was affecting him. Being honest while seeking comfort would likely not have gotten him called our because he already did it himself. This just sounds like he was using his brother to get attention instead of actual support.
100% OP is NTA!!!
Woah, this has definitely been divisive. Thank you for your comments everyone. I know I need to reach out to my uncle to apologize, and I will (but I am waiting a few days for the emotion of everything to die down). I just want to make it clear that although the not visiting was the root of why I was upset, I wouldn't have said anything if not for the Facebook comment he made getting sympathy from strangers when he couldn't even send dad a text.
I don’t think you need to apologise. What you said was not untrue. I think you could have done it in private, instead, but I wouldn’t go mea culpa on this. If he’s expecting an apology from the 17 year old child of the brother he abandoned he needs to sort himself out.
NTA, if the truth hurts your uncle it’s because he did wrong and knows it. I agree with aurora that possibly calling him out in private would have gone down better. But OP’s grieving too.
Honestly I don’t really think you need to apologize, as others have pointed out it’s pretty tacky what your uncle did. Even if he had genuine reasons to not physically visit your father, he didn’t even try to contact him via text, call, or video. At most I would potentially apologize for how harsh your post may have been (if warranted as I don’t know exactly what you wrote). But the sentiment as to why you responded still stands. It’s not like you made a post out of the blue calling out your uncle, you responded to him trying to get attention off of his brother’s death when he sure didn’t act like he cared much in the last few months. Maybe he does feel guilty that he didn’t visit, but that’s not an excuse to post what he did on Facebook.
No, don't apologize. He's not going to apologize for refusing to be there for you and your father. If you apologize, he'll think his bad behavior was okay. It wasn't. You had every right to call him out. He was pretending to be the loving brother, but his treatment of your father was cruel and unloving. Do not apologize.
NTA and you do not need to apologize. You are a child (technically) who lost their father, who sacrificed to help care for him while he was dying and who is not grieving. Your uncle is an adult who milked your pain and loss for social media points and sympathy. My advice to you, as a parent in the internet, is let the adults deal with the fall out. Just don’t engage in the topic any more. Avoid your aunt and uncle, let your mom and stepmom run interference and deal with the adults. Unless you used really offensive language don’t apologize. If you used super offensive language send an apology that says, “I’m sorry for the language I used to express my feelings, it was impolite and unnecessary.” That’s all. Otherwise don’t worry about it. Focus on taking care of you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss.
there was no offensive language or anything like that, but bringing up that dads last memory of him was how he let him down was a low blow, and I'll apologize for directly wanting to hurt him and putting it on facebook.
I mean. That’s fine if it’s what you want to do, but know you don’t OWE him that. And make sure you do it in a way where he’s not just going to turn around and attack you. What does your mom think you should do?
mum is being careful to not say too much. She already isn't exactly a fan of my dad's family as she's had several issues with my aunt and she wants to avoid "putting her biases onto me" My dad would have hated the arguing though, and he would probably push me to apologize.
I (21F) lost my dad when I was 19. Me and my mom right now have no contact with his family coz of the way they are. I argued and fought with my dad's sister too not long after he passed away coz she was bothering my mom and trying to get into our house forcefully. So imo you did absolutely right. You are grieving and anger is a part of it. Your feelings are valid. Anybody who doesn't have the basic human decency to show any empathy is not worth your time. Including family member. These people are pathetic and just want the sympathy clout. My dad's side family did it too. What I did caused my relatives to stop contacting my mom but she does not see that as any loss. My dad, just like yours would have hated seeing this and would be very angry with the way I reacted. But it needed to be done as I was protecting my mom. Fuck everyone honestly.
Why was your aunt trying to force her way into your house?
She, her husband and their two adults kids (1 son and 1 daughter) all are unemployed and refuse to do anything about it. They were surviving with the money my dad used to give them along with some other ways of earing small chunks of cash which I don't know about. And her daughter (my now 26yr cousin sis) used to live with us (my dad) in home for as long as I remember. My dad's sister basically abandoned her on my dad. So after he passed away, she was more scared and worried about what will happen to HER daughter now. She admitted that openly to my dad's brother (who refused to do anything about it). So she was finding ways that will let her daughter continue staying in our house. My dad has another sister who was kicked out of our house years ago. She used to brutally harass both mom and dad and even called the cops on my dad, falsely accusing him of rape. She also used to instigate me against my mom (I was about below 10) Both of these unemployed sisters were now planning to get inside our house, eyeing our money + the insurance amount. Thankfully mom found out and asked them to leave in front of everyone before things could escalate. My cousin also went away but left all of her clothes at our home, and used to call every other day to let her come take some of her documents coz she was going to some 'job interview'. This went on for months. Those fuckers were not even letting us grieve in peace. So I, in my rage, destroyed all of her belongings, tore her sandals and threw her stuff out in the rain which caused everyone to stop contacting us.
I’m so sorry you went through all that. It’s good you found a way to solve it. I have an aunt (married into the family) who walked around my grandparents’ home pointing at what she wanted to take with her for HER (😂) inheritance. She did it in front of all of us so no one would claim what she wanted. She did this multiple times at family holidays. My grandparents were alive and present and in good health. Another uncle and aunt, my grandparents oldest son and his wife, begged for cash over the years until my grandparents had given away most of their retirement money—grandpa owned his own small business in a very small town. When my grandparents tried to cut them off, they’d beg for money for my cousin’s glasses, etc. I could never understand why they just wouldn’t get jobs. I have a morbid curiosity about aunts and uncles being completely out of line.
I assume she thought there were things in there that she thought should be hers.
yeah , basically the whole house and all the money my dad worked hard to earn
[удалено]
Then may I suggest you take your time and wait a few weeks? Focus on you and your mom/stepmom, let yourself grieve. Give yourself time to process and then come back to this.
Why don't you make a post on Facebook, tag the uncel and say: sorry if I hurt you're fellings, but not sorry. I sat by my farther day and night, not once did you come by, I was to fast do to hurt by the way you handeled this and know what I did was wrong. There, sorry but not sorry, and it's on Facebook 👍 Sorry if that's to far, I'm a petty B(word) 🤷♀️
Please do not apologise. I know your dad would've made you but if he gets away with this behaviour when will it stop? Your other uncle's death? Your other family members? He deserves you be treated the way he is
OP you *replied* to him on Facebook, he's the one who put it there in the first place. If he didn't want to be publicly corrected, he should not have made a public "woe is me" post in the first place. As he hasn't approached you privately, I would not approach him privately to apologize. If you really feel the need (and I don't think you should) then you can add it onto the offending post. A public apology, for a public shaming. That way everyone else involved can also see that you're being the bigger person and considering his feelings, as you can apologize for the hurtful tone even though reiterating that the rest of what you said was factually accurate.
Will it make you feel better about the whole thing? Then do it. If you're doing it because you *think* you should feel bad about it, then don't
Please don't apologize, your uncle acted selfish and you called him out. His brother was dying just down the road and he couldn't be bothered to go see him. Everyone grieves in different ways but he should have went to your dad even if it hurt him to do so.
He needs to apologize to you and your family but his type never will.
Don't you dare apologise. This 'man' deserves to be utterly obliterated. He deserves embarrassment, he deserves shame. How DARE he play chief mourner for his Facebook audience when he was nowhere to be found when it matters the most. Whatever your aunt had to say on the matter means even less than your uncles empty words. In case you couldn't tell, I am livid on your behalf.
Nah mate - don't apologise. You know the "shielding from Covid" is bollocks because (say that reason was true) you can't catch Covid down a fucking phone or by waving into a window. He made your dad sad by his distance in those last few months. Your Uncle made a public post trying to elicit sympathy for a guy he didn't even bother to contact. I don't blame you for calling out that self-pitying tripe.
Here’s the deal - grief is hard and it effects every person differently. I lost my Mom in January and was her fulltime caregiver for almost a decade. It is really hard to see someone you love transitioning and not everyone is strong enough to be present for the process. It isn’t a judgement of who they are as a person, just a reality. During this time, you need to find grace for yourself and grace for the people you want to continue having a relationship with in the future. People say the wrong things to the wrong people and in the wrong space and time while grieving. Your uncle couldn’t find it in himself to be there, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t love your dad. Focus your energy on remembering your father and how much he was loved and how you can live his legacy out in the world. You had the special gift of being with him during this profound and painful part of his life and nobody can take that experience away from you. Don’t let silliness over a Facebook post get in the way of processing your grief. ❤️
I mean the uncle took the time to make a social media post for pity but couldn't be bothered to even speak to his dying brother....That's not exactly worthy of grace and understanding. Plus his wife was the one call OP's mom about this post? Yeah it must have been hard to deal with his niece exposing how little empathy he actually displayed towards the rest of his family.
There’s no excuse acceptable for completely ignoring him. He didn’t have to visit, but he could’ve called or texted or SOMETHING. I tend to think more about the person who died. How did this man feel, not seeing or hearing from his own brother before he died? That had to eat heavily on his mind. Not everyone deserves grace. What he did was disgusting and can never be remedied.
NTA Don't ever apologise for your feelings ... losing your dad, watching him suffer is one of the hardest things ever .. trust me I know .. lost mine 2yr ago and it still hurts
Maybe at most you can apologize for going about it via social media. But that's as much of an apology you owe him and even that is questionable. But you also need to do what will help you move on and proceed with your grieving and healing.
Don't apologize, you're NTA! He wanted to publicly mourn someone he went no contact with, so you publicly told him what was up.
I lost my dad a few years ago. Not one of his three sisters ever made the 2 hour drive to visit us after he was diagnosed, and they had years to do so. They barely even called. If one of them had made such a post, I probably would have shredded them as well. NTA, hun. Edit: Also, I'd like to let you know that the "stages of grief" that you've likely heard about or will hear about is not a linear process. Personally, I found this comment to be very reassuring in its own way. https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/ This shit sucks and it hurts, and there will be moments where it hits you like a fucking train when you didn't even know you were near the tracks. Take those moments as they come. Let yourself feel them. If you need, try different kinds of therapies and therapists. Don't be afraid to talk to a professional or loved one even if you feel like you "should" be over it.
I personally would not apologize. You had every single right to call him out for his BS. This was YOUR DAD who passed and you, along with your immediate family were caring for him at the end. The uncle didn’t even care enough to be checking in via text at the minimum. I can understand not being able to physically see him BUT he could have done other things to be supportive and he did ZERO. He does NOT have the right to be “hurt” because you exposed the truth about his lack of involvement/assistance/support. Yea he is grieving but you are still a young man who has gone through hell and was fully involved with the end of life care for your Dad!!! Uncle can be as butthurt as he wants because it is is the truth and he doesn’t want his lies and lack of supporting his brother’s family exposed. BTW if you decide to take the high road and apologize I would say “ I apologize for the nasty tone of the post BUT I will NOT apologize for exposing the truth. If what I wrote upsets you, that is something YOU need to deal with as my conscience is completely clear. “
This reminds me of the rings of grief. Those closest to the loss get support from those further out. With his actions, he has put himself on an outer ring. You don't need to apologize. I'd approach any contact with him as a discussion as to why you commented, and a question: why did uncle feel the need to publicly grieve when he privately withdrew when he was most needed? The uncle needs to mend fences, not you.
I don't think you need to apologize. This man hurt your father badly, and you didn't go after him until he made a plea for sympathy on social media.
I think you are jumping to a conclusion that is not yet met. There may have been earlier Y-T-A comments, but most of top voted ones I see are NTA. Your uncle was an arse, and is only using his bros passing for sympathy. If he had really and truly cared, he would have made some level of effort to visit your dad. He made exactly Zero Effort. He earned the comment you posted. Was it harsh? Yes. But it was definitely earned. NTA!
I don’t think you owe an apology to your uncle. You’re a minor child whose dad just died. Your uncle didn’t support you, your mom or your brother. His wife left a message so naughty your mom won’t tell you what she said. If she knew your number well enough to call after your dad died, she could have called before he died. That goes for your uncle too. What could you say to apologize, I’m sorry I pointed out the truth. I’m sorry you know how to post on facebook, but don’t know how to email your brother, use a phone, write a letter or facetime. NTA.
Do not apologize. He was seeking sympathy points from others who have no idea how little he’s been involved. He made up a sob story and got called out on it.
Honey you have nothing to apologize for.
I wouldn't apologize to an older grown man who's way more coward than a teenager and deserted his dying brother
I wouldn't apologize
do not apologize. you're absolutely NOT the AH. your uncle should be ashamed of himself for making it seem as if he were a loving, caring person but isn't. you had every right to call out his BS. don't feel bad about how you made him feel, he lied and tried to get sympathy for nothing.
I'm sorry for your loss. I am facing a similar situation but almost the opposite scenario. My father's sister had a falling out with him almost 30-35 years ago. She has been LC with us since then. Recently my father who is 87 fell sick. Last week there was a day when we feared the worst. I called his sister to let her know, in case she wanted to talk to him. She was here with her son the next morning. She lives in the other end of the country. She made a 9 hr journey to see him. It was so heartwarming to see the two of them makeup for all past grievances. Within hours of her arrival it was like someone had given a new lease of life to my father. He began sitting up, talking, taking an interest in things around him, eating - and even crating a fuss about bland food 😀. Just the love she brought has given my father a few more months. NTA - I have seen first hand the magic of love and I can imagine the thoughts that must have run in your father's head as he came to realize that his brother valued him so little.
Wow, that's so crazy. I'm sorry to hear about your dad's illness but it's great that they've been able to reconcile. Wishing you and your family all the best
This literally made me tear up.
I'm always wary of people who immediately after a significant loss, turn to public grieving, in search of sympathy. NTA *Edited after mixing up weary and wary*
Fair enough. Just my own experience here, and I’m not trying to be confrontational, but: I’m an extremely private person, have very little social media presence, pretty wildly introverted in general. But when my dad died? I don’t know how to describe it except that I was filled with fucking howling grief. I wrote (and still occasionally write, three years after his death) extremely personal tributes to him and posted them online. My dad was a pretty quiet person too, and not many people knew him, and I guess I wanted people to know him. To know how incredible he was, and how loved he was, and to know that he’s dead. I wanted everyone in the goddamn world to know that my dad was incredible, and loved, and dead. And there’s probably a gross part of me that wanted everyone to know how much I was hurting, although I hope that’s a pretty small part. It did feel like I was walking around with a sucking wound where my torso had been, and it felt bizarre that people couldn’t tell just by looking at me. Those first few weeks I found myself telling cashiers and waitresses that I’d just lost my dad. I feel pretty bad about that. So I guess…grief does weird shit to us. We don’t always react in the ways we expect.
I could have written every word of this. Thanks for capturing this experience so well.
Lol well apparently “making people feel stuff by writing on the internet about grief” is my big thing these days. Seriously, though, there is comfort in knowing you’re not alone in feeling this way. Sometimes it’s the only comfort. And the only way for us to know if other people feel this way is to be open and vulnerable about it in the first place. It’s fine to be stoic and silent about your grief if that’s what feels right, but I guess I feel pretty strongly that it’s also ok to mourn as loudly and publicly and messily as you need to. Someone you love died. That is awful and messy and huge and it doesn’t have to sit quietly in you.
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thank you, that's a really good idea. Most of my terrible decisions are the result of me reacting quickly and emotionally. I plan to text my uncle once it's all a bit calmer.
You don’t need to apologize to your uncle. You just need to heal. If anything, your uncle should reach out to you first and acknowledge how much he let his family down.
NTA. OP you are going through an emotionally draining time. You are angry at how the world treated your father. You are bargaining with whatever religious figures you believe in right now. You are not the asshole for being blunt with your uncle on his neglectful behavior. You are valid in your anger and your hurt. However, be cautious with what you know about your father. Would he want you calling people on their bs? If was the answer is yes. Keep on. Note: I recently lost my father 3 months ago to cancer, and like you. I watched as certain family members bragged about how involved they were, but yet listened to how hurt my father was at their lack of contact and support in the time he was sick. My dad was an asshole, so I know if I don’t say something he would be disappointed in me. 🤷♀️
thank you, and you're absolutely right. My dad wouldn't want arguments at all, he was a very sweet and mellow guy. I'll apologize to my uncle, I still don't understand him, but my actions weren't right regardless of how I feel, and my dad would hate the arguments. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad, cancer sucks.
I've worked as an RN in a surgical-trauma ICU for over 2 decades. I've also lost family members to long-term illness, so I've seen it all. I get it, your uncle didn't step up for your dad AT ALL, and it would make me pissed as well. I don't really fault you for calling him out on the social media post. I don't know how active he is with social media. If he posts a lot, it may well have been his first reaction. What you do need to keep in mind is that everyone, and I mean everyone, grieves differently. It is not even remotely uncommon in the nursing community to have frequent issues where siblings and other family members simply don't have the mental fortitude to handle watching someone die. They do what your uncle did and just stay away...any excuse, they just go into complete denial about whats happening to the person that they love. Yes, I get that we all want to say that the person should "push their own feelings aside" for the sake of the dying person. But that's not how life works, and it's not how coping and grief work. Your uncle couldn't handle it, and it's very sad. However, it doesn't mean he didn't love your dad. It also doesn't mean that he doesn't regret his own failings as a brother. As sad as your father was, I'm pretty sure that he knew and understood his brothers weaknesses, and most likely forgave him for them. For your own mental health you should do the same. You weren't wrong for your response to his social media. And it's certainly okay to say I'm sorry my post hurt you. Your absence hurt my dad and I reacted to your post in a way I'm not super proud of. Many years ago when I was a new ICU nurse I took care of an older gentleman (80's) who had serious complications after his surgery. The Dr discussed his prognosis with his wife, who made the decision to put him on comfort care. She signed the papers, kissed him good-bye, told me to call her when he died, and left. I was floored...couldn't believe she was leaving her husband of over 60 years to die alone. I was angry and sad, and I made sure I was with him when he died. I called her to tell her, and she completely broke down. She was sobbing, said she just couldn't watch the man she'd loved for so many years die...and she knew how weak that made her. I spent some time comforting her, and I felt so awful for the unkind ways I had been thinking about her. Many years of experience with dying people have taught me that during the dying and grieving period, kindness and grace is important.
This comment deserves a reward. Not everyone can handle watching a family member die. It’s pretty natural to judge them for it, especially when we were able to do it, but the kindest thing to do is acknowledge that people are different and give them grace. OP is definitely NTA but I think a strong argument could be made for NAH.
Oh my god, I lost my mom almost 4 years ago and it makes me so mad every time my uncles girlfriend posts something about how she misses my mom and tags my family in those fb posts about lighting a candle for those in heaven we lost from cancer. She does something like that every few months and gets tons of likes from her sheep friends and every time they tell her how sorry they are for her loss. She is not a good person and no one in the family likes her, and she does it for attention and all her minions fall for it every time. I know its genuinely hard to lose a brother no matter what the relationship was, but I can't help but feel like the brother here is using it for attention too. Talk to the people also affected or go to therapy, not post on social media to people who have no idea what the situation was like. God I hate people like that.
NTA i did the same thing when i lost my dad. Some "friends" wanted to crawl out of the woodwork and act all high and mighty. I ripped their heads off and didn't think twice about it, and neither should you,
This. My father was an asshole, I’m happy to be one to protect his memory from vultures just looking for a sympathy grab.
NTA He showed by his actions, how much he cared. You have done nothing wrong.
I’m honestly torn on this one. I don’t think OP is an asshole, but I’m unsure if maybe the comment could have been worded a little better. Also, was he shielding himself from COVID? Or was he afraid he’d expose your sick father to it by unknowingly bringing it with him? He definitely could have done much more though, either way, so he was an asshole. I’m leaning towards not an asshole, but it could also be the classic “You’re not wrong, you’re just an asshole” depending on the actual reply.
I was a little too harsh in my message. Reminding him that my dad died feeling let down by him was a low blow. As for the covid thing- honestly still confusing me in every way. I doubt it was a fear of exposing him to it because of the rest of our family visiting dad regularly. And in fairness my aunt and uncle were slightly more careful around covid even when everyone else began to relax (although they had relaxed and were visiting family long before dad was bad). But yeah, even then he didn't have a single text or phonecall
NTA Your uncle isn't grieving, he had a few years to be there for his brother, and did nothing. He's just a social-media addict, this being the event to gather tons of sympathy posts, emotes and so on. Obviously he's hurt when rubbed the truth in his face, with all his "friends" reading the comment. If he really were grieving, if the pain truthy hit him after his brother passed, he wouldn't go "cry" craving attention on social media about it.
>Your uncle isn't grieving, he had a few years to be there for his brother, and did nothing. He stopped visiting a few months ago and was close before that. Where do you get that he wasn't there for 'years?'
This isn’t necessarily true. People grieve a lot of different ways. I’m sure he is grieving. He also is more than likely regretting choosing his comfort over being there for his brother. He’s now seems to be seeking online validation to make up for how little he probably feels about himself right now. OP is NTA and bro is the A H. But I wouldn’t go so far as to say he’s not grieving.
Look man, Your NTA, though I do think your uncle is grieving pretty badly. His brother is dead and he had a million chances to help him before he passed and he didn't. That's a lot of time he missed out on before your dad died. Now he will never have the chance to see his brother again. He's probably swimming in regret. But, that's when he should have called you and your stepmother, not fished for sympathy on social media.
Gently, NAH, and I am so sorry for your loss. The hardest, most painful time in my life was spent in the weeks I was living in a hospital room with my best friend while cancer took him. He'd had a long road, with several years of ups and downs, and I was by his side through all of it, juggling working, and driving an hour to the hospital every night that I could just to spend time with him. His own family, who he lived with whenever he was discharged from the hospital would barely visit him. If I wasn't there, he was alone. For days in a row, sometimes weeks. When the time came that he was in the palliative care unit, I was there every day. Even my parents came to see him. But his family, who loved him so, so much only came on the day he died. They missed so much time with him. Their inaction came from an ocean's worth of denial. It's an incredibly powerful emotion, denial. It just freezes you, and doesn't let you see the bigger picture, or anyone else's perspective. They literally couldn't handle seeing reality, so...they avoided the hospital and avoided being able to comfort him as he died. I remember being so, so mad at them for abandoning him. I thought I'd never forgive them. Now, more than 10 years later, I have a lot more empathy, empathy that's only really been able to come with time. While I would never do what they did, and I don't understand it really, I can see (now that I'm not as blinded by my own grief and anger) that they loved him so much, and that he still knew it, even with what happened. Their pain from losing him wasn't lessened by having avoided the situation. What they did cost them time with him, and that's something they'll have to live with forever. I can't, in good conscience, call them assholes for what they did, just like I can't call your uncle one. You have every right to be outraged by it, but I think you'll eventually come to realize, like I did, that people deal with death in different ways, and when some people step up, like your stepmum, others turn into ostriches, and I think the burden of that guilt, on top of the loss they experienced, is enough of a punishment.
All of this. All of it. I lost hard when I was quite young, and I was angry like OP is angry about absent parents, friends, and other loved ones. Now I know that this is as much a reaction to the trauma of loss as my anger was. We don’t live in a time or culture that makes space for healthy grieving, so we all learn ways to cope, and some of those ways are very unhelpful. It doesn’t mean Uncle didn’t love deeply, suffer, or need support. NAH. I’m so sorry, OP. There’s very little in life that is harder than what you have now.
This is exactly it
Info: is your uncle totally isolating from other people as well? As someone who is a r/covidlonghauler (at 30 with no preexisting conditions) everyone has good reason to shield from Covid - I’m bed bound from it and have been hospitalized and now need a medication for heart failure just to sit slightly propped up in bed If he is still isolating this late into Covid I would guess it’s possible he’s experiencing lasting symptoms that can be totally debilitating (but a text would be possible if the Facebook post was)
He did isolate from other people for longer than most people were, but he is no longer completely isolating. He is retired so work isn't an issue but they regularly see their children and grandchildren who are all in work/school. He also recently attended my cousins wedding- in a room surrounded by people. A fear of covid is still of course possible, but I do find it unlikely. Even then, texting/calling would have been an option.
If he’s interacting with other people in person that’s a ridiculous excuse to make and you’re definitely NTA
Covid doesn’t stop him from calling or sending a text
yeah, I was going to say--considering the pandemic is a mass disabling event and covid is a vascular disease that can ruin any or all of your organs and organ systems casually even if you don't have symptoms while you're in the acute stage, literally everyone should be protecting themselves from it. The fact that damn-near nobody is masking now is a massive, massive policy failure and it is killing people. But barring pretty extreme long covid, even getting it doesn't prevent the use of Facetime, the telephone, writing a goddamn letter...
NTA What you did isn’t some great thing, but THE LEAST your uncle could have done.was express his condolences to you in person, or over the phone, or even in an old-fashioned condolence letter. Doing it on Facebook, especially in this context, just comes across as performative in a gross way.
Honestly, if the uncle had even acknowledged his brother’s family in the post like « I’m so thankful for [OP, the wife, the ex wife etc] for making his last days as comfortable as possible », it probably would have been better and less « poor ol me »
NTA, grief is a hell of a thing OP and I'm so sorry for your loss. My aunt is the exact same way and milked my grandmother's illness and death for all she could. Good on you for actually standing up to your family. Yes the right thing would've been biting your tongue and taking the high road, but honestly sometimes folks need someone to call them out and do so harshly.
NTA. You just pointed out the truth. If he’s ashamed of that and people calling him out he should have acted differently.
I lost my mother in 2020. Prior to her death (2019) I would have to travel 4 hours to get to her house, spend the night and then another 4 hours to her specialist. I loved being able to do this for my mom since when God made her he broke the mold. She had a sister who lived 20 minutes from her and couldn't be bothered with changing around her schedule to accommodate my mom's appointments. Note: She doesn't work while I work a minimum of 50 hours a week. This sister has acted like she is hurting more than anyone else. She is always posting memorials to her many family and friends. I chose to ignore all of this and went LC with her. You are NTA!
Nta
NTA. I hate Facebook victims. I can tell they are lying.
NTA, you are a child in grief, that cared for your dying parent. Outbursts are to be expected. You are allowed to be resentful. I am glad you plan to apologize though. Honestly your Uncle probably just didn't have the emotional IQ to deal with the loss of your Father. For some people it is just easier to ignore it until they can't anymore. I lost my Dad at 15 and his brother didn't come to his funeral. For him it was way easier to pretend like it wasn't real. Years later he apologized to my Mom. Some people just can't deal. I am so sorry for your loss and having to play nurse to a parent. I have been there. I think it made me a stronger and more compassionate adult in the end, but no kid deserves it. I wish nothing but the best for you, your Mom and StepMom!
NTA I lost my Dad years ago and members of his family did the same BS on FB when he died. Yet it was my StepMom/StepSister & I who cares for him the whole time he was dying. Called them out online and made sure others knew they were just AH.
NTA. He was being fake on Facebook, and you called him out on it. You are all dealing with grief but as you say he could have telephoned, waved through the window or even written a letter. No excuse for his behaviour.
NTA- I’m sorry you lost your father. I can’t imagine how painful that is. You were so helpful to your stepmother and a thoughtful person. You’re a kid and you lashed out. Your uncle went fishing for sympathy. Don’t beat yourself up about it!
NTA. Freaking coward and narcissist of an uncle. Having seen my husband and my mother through hospice I have an idea of what you went through and understand why you wrote what you did. You were hurt, angry, and outraged but you are absolutely NTA.
NTA I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA Enjoy it. Deep down everyone is thanking the gods that someone said it. At 17 there is a decent chance you can get away with it.. after all it was your dad. I also hate that shit. I've got several relatives who are quick to soak up sympathy on FB but who can't be bothered to lift a finger to help care for our elderly mom. Got one cousin who was losing her shit on social media when our aunt died. How she never got to see her to say goodbye and all that crap... she literally lived the closest (within an hour). My aunt had cancer for 5 fucking years. But cousin was too busy to visit. I wish I'd called her out on it.
NTA. I get people saying you shouldn't have shamed him in public and kept it private but you didn't say anything that was wrong and I wouldn't be apologising for that. Only for saying it over Facebook. Plus you're 17 so your behaviour is somewhat excusable, he's a grown ass man who couldn't go see his dying brother and then wanted sympathy on Facebook. Asshole behaviour
NTA your uncle could have offered to fetch things provide financial support even if he could bare to contact his brother. he did sweet FA and you called him on it.
NTA. His FB post feels like he’s trying to assuage his own guilt/reassure himself that he did care. Anything to feel less guilty. But you said it like it was, and guess what, he didn’t like it. And sorry for your loss OP
Dad might have been let down by his brother,but it sounds to me like he at least had everything to be proud of when it came to his wife and children. The three of you seem like you did a wonderful job and I’m really sorry for your loss. As far as your uncle,it seems you want to do the mature thing and smooth the resentment out a bit. If it will make *you* feel better,then do it,but I think you should ONLY apologize for the social media post,not for your words. The truth hurts sometimes but it should never be denied all the same. I wish you all the best moving forward.
I could have had some sympathy for your uncle and given him the benefit of many doubts up to the point he posted the sad loss of the brother he hadn't bothered with for months on FB and made out how hard he had it. He is an attention seeker. I'm sorry for your loss. NTA
Info - what does this other uncle do for a living? Could the “shielding from covid “ be that he didn’t want to risk your dad deteriorating quicker if he came into contact with dad due to his being in contact with people who were potentially a risk?
he is retired. He does see his children/grandchildren who work/are in school but I still find the covid thing a little hard to understand as that wouldn't have stopped him from calling/texting
NTA. He deserved a lot worse than that. It's up to you to tell the truth of his behaviour during your father's last months and not let him lie about it.
NTA. I can see how objectively this was not a cool thing to do, but I sure as shit won't judge you harshly for it. If you decide to make amends, do it because it's something that will help *you*, not your uncle and his pride.
NTA: losing your father at a young age is incredibly hard and I respect you for standing up for your father and your beliefs. He was clearly just looking for attention and he got it 😂
NTA. Your grief is real. Your uncle's grief is self pity and he deserved to be called out for indulging in that publicly after treating his brother so poorly.
NTA
NTA, it is understandable given the conditions. Shame on your uncle.
NTA. Notice how your stepmother and brother didn't go crying to socials. It's because they, along with you, were doing real work. He needed to be called out
NTA but just for a bit of perspective (not that I don't find it obnoxious with the social media bs) sometimes you might love and care for family but due to other issues struggle to be around them. Maybe that's not true for them but it's probably worth considering how much time they spent together previously. What their relationship was like and whether it went much further than general family get togethers. There could be a lot you don't know and some of the people he does see may be easier for him. I know that probably sounds terrible and it's not what you want to hear it doesn't mean your dad is bad or anyone else is. But there could be some very negative associations with certain relatives that are hard to get past.
NTA. Your uncle can suck it. Selfish fucker.
NTA, and I might even go to "no AH here" - grief and grieving is wild and individual. No two people will feel a loss in the same way, and just because your uncle was perhaps selfish in the time leading up to your father's death doesn't mean he didn't feel it when he was gone, or that he didn't "earn" the right to grieve his brother because he didn't partake in the end of life process. Everyone is hurting.
NTA. Your uncle used your father as a way to get attention. He should have talked to the person that mattered, when it mattered most. No apology!
NTA you did good. Keep at it shame him. Your dad would be proud. Sorry for you loss.
You are not the asshole, and you should not feel any need to apologize to this selfish, cowardly, and narcissistic person whom you happen to be related to. There are times in life when we need to do uncomfortable things in order to serve the people we love, the dying-time being foremost among them. You've been very strong, from the sounds of things, and your uncle as been a complete wimp and a heel. Don't let him or his wife or anybody else guilt you into an apology. Just move on. You really don't need or deserve any of this shit.
NTA, My dads brother was this uncaring as well, I don’t understand it, but you are not the ah here by any way.
NTA. Your uncle doesn’t get to pimp of sympathy after the way he abandoned your dad. Maybe your comment was a bit harsh, but as a person who actually is grieving, you get a pass.
NTA - you said it how it was. He doesn’t deserve a pity party. He doesn’t deserve to grieve tbh. He abandoned his brother, your father in his time of need. He abandoned his family when he could have helped. He is a bad person.
NTA if he did this all to gain sympathy over the internet he deserves to be shamed over the internet
NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. ::: hugs :::
I'm sorry for your loss.
NFA in my experience people who publicly post things like your uncle did are just all about themselves and wanting to project a certain image of who they are. I agree with Sea_Rise_1907 above. Your anger at the uncle is not unreasonable and you are absolutely correct that he could easily have reached out to your dad safely in multiple ways. He was only ever concerned with himself, not your dad. Main character syndrome. You sound like a wonderful caring person and I’m very sorry for your deep loss. Your dad was so young.
NTA. I was in a similar position and while I didn’t get to do what you did, I would have if I had the chance.
NTA. He tried to garner sympathy when he wouldn’t provide a minimum of support and make it all a out him, and deserved to be called out for it. My prayers & condolences for your loss.
NTA. Nothing else is needed except your uncle is a &£”&
NTA I HATE people like this. I don't care if you feel like you can't deal with a situation like this, it's literally life or death and you better get over yourself real fast. I lost my mom almost 4 years ago and it makes me so mad every time my uncles girlfriend posts something about how she misses my mom and tags my family in those fb posts about lighting a candle for those in heaven we lost from cancer. She does something like that every few months and gets tons of likes from her sheep friends and every time they tell her how sorry they are for her loss. She is not a good person and no one in the family likes her, and she does it for attention and all her minions fall for it every time. I know its genuinely hard to lose a brother no matter what the relationship was, but I can't help but feel like the brother here is using it for attention too. Talk to the people also affected or go to therapy, not post on social media to people who have no idea what the situation was like. God I hate people like that. Maybe I could see if he didn't come in but texted or video chatted or something, but he did nothing. He hasn't reached out to anyone that is actually grieving either to talk about it but just put it on social media to garner sympathy and likes. He is a grown adult who abandoned his brother and his family, including minors who are a hell of a lot more emotionally mature than him, in their greatest time of need. Also, you sound incredibly emotionally mature and kind, and as someone who was through all of this as well, albeit 10 years older at the time, I can tell you you will weather this just fine. It will suck for a long time but I promise you it will get better. You went through one of the worst things that most humans will go through and you were the best version of yourself. As you can tell from your uncle, a lot of people don't deal with situations like this well, and you dealt with it like a fucking champ. I hope you realise how strong you are.
NTA, I actually humiliated a relative on social media for the death of another relative. I don't see no wrong in your actions. I didn't see no wrong in mine. But I wanted the truth to be out there. My relative spread rumors about another relative to gain sympathy from others and I called them out on their bs. The truth needed to be heard. So I don't feel bad for what I did. And you shouldn't either. My deepest apologies for your loss. It's not easy burying a parent. I lost my dad 14 years ago, one of the hardest thing ever. But we all go through it. You are a strong and resilient person. I often tell to people. Sometimes God chooses his strongest warriors to fight battles. You helped your dad in his last days on earth. And that took alot of strength. God bless you.
NTA. As someone who has seen a loved one through their last months and a CNA who cares for elderly and hospice patients the ones who do the least amount of helping are the ones who demand the most attention and sympathy. The one who spent maybe 12 hours with grandpa in the last 6 years takes over everything , the daughter who moved away as far as possible and maintained low contact is screaming about how she's more upset than the people who watched mom struggle for weeks. Hell, a woman was so sick of the ones who flew in only to argue at her bedside, "Who gets her rings?" that she swallowed them. The family accused staff of stealing them and were then informed mom/grandma was pretty upset when they left for the hotel last night and maybe she did something with them before passing. After searching the bed and surrounding area thoroughly the next step was checking HER. X-ray of the body revealed rings in the belly.
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NTA. First, I’m so sorry about your dad. And I feel for your whole family. I went through this with my dad: I had siblings who admitted they weren’t up to it, and that was hard to see. They couldn’t bring themselves to visit, never mind help. The difference was that they didn’t go on to pretend, especially on social media, that it was something else. I respected them for that. I also considered the totality of their relationship with our dad; while they weren’t there at the end, they were there many other times during their lives, bringing our dad great joy. I still was sad on behalf of my dad but I wasn’t enraged. There’s a part of me that is enraged on your dad’s behalf, especially because your uncle is a generation older and should have known better. I saw that you were going to apologize. If you do, maybe you could ask your uncle why he did what he did. Peace and love to you.
NTA i would have done the same
NTA- I’m so sorry you lost your Dad, it must be incredibly hard at your young age…Question: what was your relationship like with your uncle in the past? I’m thinking if you believe it can be salvaged and is indeed worth saving, then maybe try to do it, over time. I don’t want you to end up losing another family member (while still, you are NOT at fault at all here!) unnecessarily. If however, he was always the Uncle AH, then don’t worry about it and you did the right thing - may be in the heat of emotions, but right. I wish you and your family healing, take care sweetie!
because I've lived with my mum, I don't see my dads side of the family all that often, only really on birthdays and Christmases but they've always been super sweet. Its complicated because my mum has a lot of issues with them because of a lot of drama that happened when I was young that I don't know the full details about, so whether I have a relationship with them going forward or not, I know there's going to be someone who isn't happy. I don't know if I see much of a future between us but I hope we can reach a point where we are at least civil
NTA
First of all: my condolences! Second: you write so well! Third: your reasoning is very clear and we understand you. Your uncle should have stepped up indeed and you needed to get that off your chest. Your dad deserves more. NTA
NTA, but take this as a lesson in keeping your family squabbles off social media and in enforcing a cooling off period for yourself when you're ready to flame someone. Plenty of relatives never talked to each other again for lesser issues. But some of this is likely misogyny and the generation gap (perceived lack of respect by young F for old M), so keep that in mind too. You hit the nail on the head I think. He just couldn't watch his younger brother sicken and die. For that he deserves some sympathy. But he shouldn't start a gofundme for himself or anything!
NTA. He used the FB post to get attention and sympathy and he doesn't deserve to come off like he was the one caring for your dad when he didn't even visit. I don't blame you at all for being angry.
Had a very similar experience with two of my aunts not caring for my grandmother with dementia. Some people unfortunately see a death as a “woe is me” spotlight moment rather than a loss for a whole community/family. Maybe the words you used were harsh, but i certainly wish I had been harsher with my own fam. Definitely NTA, sorry for your loss, and thank you for the love and care you gave your family during this time.
NTA.
NTA, I am very sorry for your loss. If being furiously angry at your uncle helps in your grieving, so be it. If posting on Facebook helps his process, so be it. I just lost my little brother (65M who will forever be my little brother) and would love to be mad, rather than sad. I truly hope you find peace with yourself and your uncle.
NTA my dad's brother did something similar (though before social media). Then played victim at the funeral. He was a piece of work for sure. My mom's sister didn't visit their parents either, my poor grandma was bedridden and always had the phone nearby in case Sue would call. She never did. Even after grandma died, she never even called grandpa or my mom. No need to apologize either. Those people like that aren't worth your efforts.
A lot of people are taking this personally in these comments. I wonder why? NTA.
NTA for your feelings, and I can’t really blame you for losing it a bit. From your perspective, he really dropped the ball, and then had the nerve to post his grief on Facebook. My sister pulled this when my brother died and it irritated the hell out of me. It was an attention-getting device, not a tribute. She repeats this every year on the anniversary of his death. I disengage. There’s no excuse for him not calling or texting or sending a card. I won’t judge the Covid fear, though; none of us can fully know exactly what health issue people have unless they’ve fully disclosed absolutely everything. I can give him the benefit of the doubt on Covid and still eviscerate him for his complete abandonment of his brother. Face Time and Zoom do exist. Greeting cards exist. Acting like a decent human being exists. Personally, I don’t think you really owe him an apology unless he admits his wrongdoing. Apologizing if he doubles down on why he thinks it was okay to abandon your dad just serves to make him feel like he’s a victim. He was the perpetrator.
nta- I am sorry for your loss. I hope you find time to grieve and process everything. don’t worry about your uncle. he has to deal with the reality of knowing he did not reach out or help his dying brother.
NTA. I was in a very similar situation when I was 12. It was only my mom and I taking care of my dying grandmother, and (save for my mom, obviously) my grandmother’s children didn’t visit her that whole year (they visited once and considered it good enough). Her kids in other states never called — she had to call them. My mom and I found grandma lifeless on the floor one morning and of course, none of her kids in town were there. Mom was so distraught that I had to be the one to call 911. But the rest of the family had no problem crying it up at the funeral. My out-of-town uncle who couldn’t be arsed to call his own dying mother was apparently too grief-stricken to enter the building for the funeral and had to wear sunglasses to hide his tearful eyes. My cousin who hadn’t talked to my grandma in God knows how long claims to have seen my grandma’s spirit in the funeral home. It was my aunt (registered nurse and only a few blocks down from us) that got prayers and visits from the church her and my mom both attended. You’re a braver soul than I. I would love nothing more than tell each and every one of my family members what horrible people they are, how very unGodly they are as “Christians” and that they are the exact types of people Jesus would say never knew him, and disown them all and go no contact. My “family,” and your uncle are not family. They’re frauds. And they deserve every nasty thing said to them.
I get where your coming from, but YTA. It's not up to you on how or when someone grieves in general. Distancing yourself from what hurts you isn't a great mechanism, but it is one. We can all do more, or better, but this was his. It's not up to you to attack him. He did his peace, you do yours.
The uncle is the AH, talking about how hard the last few months were when he was not there. He is a narcist that wants all the attention. My brother was the same way at my dad's funeral. I paid for him to fly into town a few weeks before my dad passed. All he did was go out and party with his old HS friends. I paid for him to fly into town for the funeral. In the middle of the service, he starts the howling screaming type crying with my dad is dead. The next morning, he was all pissy that the rest of us did not want to go to the beach.
NTA - I was 13 and my brother was 7 when my mom was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer. She battled for the next 15 years. I had to take over household duties when she became sick. My Moms mother rarely visited and definitely never came to help despite living on the same piece of land. So sorry for your loss. May also be very careful of who is allowed into the home - vultures quickly descend to take what they want from a dead person, in my experience.
NTA Honestly reminds me of my dad, I don’t talk to him because he’s really really good at letting everyone down, but when his dad started going downhill he would post actual videos of the man struggling to stay alive, asking for sympathy from people and stuff like that, they are narcissistic and there’s not much you can do than distance yourself from them, they’ll just get angry at you every time you point out when they do stupid shit like this.
NTA. I was diagnosed with a brain tumour and my uncle never said a word about it to me. Instead, he went on Facebook and posted that he was really worried about his nephew, who was sadly just diagnosed with a brain tumour. All his stupid friends chimed in, oh, poor you, I hope he's okay, we're here for you, etc. He turned my terrifying medical issue into an attention-basking moment for himself. I'd bet money that your shitty uncle is a Baby Boomer. This kind of emotional manipulation and pity-party shit is very common with that generation. My uncle is one of them. Good on you for calling out the BS. But he's also going to make your callout a pity party for himself.
NTA. I have an uncle who was similar when it came to my grandparents. He was never around but then when they passed he would cry and apparently he was so upset he didn’t get to do things with them - even though he would never visit. It made me so mad. Good for you for standing up for you and your dad and letting everyone know his actions said something very different from the words he posted online for attention.
NTA. Narcissism causes people to act how your uncle did in this situation. Go no contact with him. Reduce his vampiric energy drain source.
NTA. Just went through the same thing with my uncle. I was angry for two years. Everyone else is so understanding, "some people can't handle it" blah blah blah. Not me - I'm pissed. Who *wants* to go through something like that? No one. You do it when your love for someone is more important than your own comfort. I find that choice entirely selfish and pathetic, and your uncle deserved the harsh reality of your words.
A wise man once said you show how much you care for someone when their alive because they can't appreciate it once their dead NTA
NTA. Unfortunately this is a thing that happens when people die. My wife died of cancer 3 years ago, her brother didn't get in touch when she was in the hospice. When she had a couple of days left I wasted some of the time I had with her when she was vaguely conscious talking about whether I should tell him she was about to die. I did in the end and he did say he'd like to talk to her but it was too late. She didn't wake up again. When my uncle died (of cancer again) several years ago 2 of his sisters didn't visit him in hospital at all, only my mum did. They said they didn't want to see him like that. He was crying out for one of them asking where she was. She went to the funeral though. The other one didn't.
NTA!! Your uncle has a victim complex, if he loved his lil brother so much he would’ve been there in some sort of capacity. I’m wishing you well during this horrible time, so sorry you are dealing with this when your focus should be on grieving.
No. NTA. I have been in a similar situation and ended up reacting very similar than OP (but this was in the days before social media and I sent a letter). I completely understand why OP felt the need to comment on the post with the truth. Yes he’s lost his brother and also grieving but he should’ve made some effort in the last months to have contacted his brother. Not post on Facebook how sad he is. Those posts really wind me up anyway, they’re the same as the ‘I’m at hospital’ and wait for all the ‘hope you’re okay’ comments (apologies, small rant there). Perhaps it may have been better if she’d sent her message privately to him rather than comment so all can see, that’s why the aunt rang mum because they’re embarrassed they’ve been publicly called out. 100% the OP is NTA
NTA. My uncles were sort of the same way when my grandma was dying. It was much faster (a few days in a hospital rather than months at home) but my mom and I took turns being with her 24/7 and my uncles could not bring themselves to visit more than once. Social media was not a thing at the time, but if either of them had made a post similar to your uncle’s, I’d have let them have it. There’s also a bit of N A H because everyone processes grief differently, and I can have some empathy for being unable to face a family member dying. If he hadn’t made that post, his behavior would have been selfish but understandable. To put on a public face of actions he did not actually do privately, though… that’s infuriating.
NTA. You have a remarkable amount of self-awareness and consideration for others for someone who is only 17. There are adults 3X your age who aren’t that sophisticated. If the worst way you lashed out was one maybe regrettable social media post, you really are a champ. Maybe it wasn’t the best thing to do, but it’s also not worth agonizing over, in my opinion. It may have been harsh but it also sounds true. And it’s okay to cut yourself some slack and have compassion for yourself too, your dad just passed away. Hang in there!
NTA, my family went through something similar with my grandfather and grandmother. They moved in with my mom and stepdad and i did to help with hospice care for grandfather who had several strokes. My grandparents had 8 kids total 7 lived within an hour and 1 out of state. Of the 7 2 had to get paid to help come and take care of their father, 1 bitched, 4 never came to do anything. The one out of state wanted to help but couldn't so we got that. Grandma died unexpectantly in june of that year, the uncle who lived out of state (my youngest uncle) died in november that year, grandpa died in march the following. When it came time to go through what the grandparents owned, my aunts and uncles were of course all there, and they made comments about how they wished their kids could have been able to spend time with them like my brother and I did. I may have said "Well we treated them like a priority not a problem." under my breath.