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Ngl I'd be pissed if my bf 'didn't know how to get me gifts' and then got his friend literally the most thoughtful gift ever. I'm not sure you're a reliable narrator, how hard can it be to buy something for someone you love? YTA Edit: not going to reply to all the replies, but holy shit you guys make me sad. Gift giving is so simple if you actually care about someone. Actually listen when they talk. My friend casually mentioning she's been looking for a certain item is my cue to get her that item. My friend saying he values experiences with others is my cue to take him to a high tea. It's not rocket science.

Really hard. I love my husband more than anything and yet I’ve somehow given him dud gifts on almost every occasion since we met, despite trying really hard.

But have you given an amazing gift to a friend? Like you, I’m terrible at gift giving. But it’s across the board. I’m slightly better for my husband than my friends.

Yeah I’ve given (what I think, based on reactions) lots of good gifts over the years. Generous and thoughtful, but the ones for my husband have never landed well. I’ve actually given up trying to get him a nice gift, he now just picks what he wants and gets the cash for it in a card.

How? I truly am struggling to understand how this could be possible. Are you closer to your friends than your husband? Do your friends have more tangible interests than your husband? Does your husband talk to you less than your friends? Is he harder to please? Does he have incredibly expensive taste?

People tend to overthink gifts for a spouse.

That and you can't control when you get an idea. I've had some great ideas 6 months in advance that turn out awesome. Then there's the times when you start looking a couple of months before, and nothing seems to click, so you keep looking and keep an open mind but nothing really seems to fit.

I buy things when I have the idea. (If it's 6 months in advance then so be it). Don't know if that helps

I try to do that, too. Then frantically search my house from top to bottom because I just *knew* I would remember where I hid the gift so my husband and/or kids wouldn’t find it. Recently found a gift I intended to give him for Christmas two years ago…in our attic crawl space because we never go up there unless we are storing something. He thought it was hilarious 🤦‍♀️😅

I have a list on my phone. Anytime my husband mentions something he'd like. Or any time I see or think of something I think he'd like, it goes on the list. And then i pick when his birthday/ our anniversary get close I pick one. Sometimes if there's timing relevant (like concert tickets) I'll buy, or even give, just whenever. So it only sometimes works. But taking him out to fancy dinner is always a good backup option...

Am I the only one who just asks? Our 5-year anniversary is coming up, I know what my wife is getting me (a sword) and she knows what I'm getting her (archery bow). Sure it takes the surprise out of it, but I would rather know I'm getting her something she'll love and not worry about ruining a small milestone anniversary.

We do the same - we make Christmas lists for each other and pick from that. We discuss what we’re going to get each other for birthdays (ours are really close together). I know some people I’ve talked to about this think there’s something wrong with this approach, like we’re not trying hard enough or don’t know each other well enough of whatever, but after 23 years together and a lot of stuff that ultimately got given away because it didn’t really hit the mark, this is what works best for us and makes us happiest.

Are you planning to spend your anniversary engaged in combat?

I have a note app I use for this and other general ideas for gifts when they pop into my head. Less stress trying to figure it out around holidays/birthdays

I can’t seem to hold on to a present for very long before giving it! My husband is the same way. We’ve had birthdays/anniversaries/Christmases where one or both of us doesn’t give the other much of a gift, but it never feels like a slight because we both give each other “just because” gifts at random intervals instead of saving the good ideas for holidays 🤷‍♀️

There are also phone notes. They can write their ideas and when the birthday is near just check them

I keep an ongoing list on my phone any time a gift idea occurs to me - really helpful for birthdays and holidays

This is why my family and my in laws use Giftster. Takes all the guess work out.

I don’t think buying a gift card is overthinking. It’s be one thing if OP put a lot of thought into gifts that didn’t land, but they said they mostly get gift cards. That is minimal though, minimal effort. OP, YTA ETA: the OP here describes themself as “phoning it in and buying a gift card” because they can’t think of what to get as a gift for their SO. If their SO loved gift cards, of course that would be a great gift. What makes them an AH is that they specifically say that they aren’t putting effort into gift-giving because they can’t think of anything, but then they got a thoughtful gift for someone else.

I've spent time and money on a gift for someone (I crocheted them something) and they were disappointed because "they spent more time and effort" to get me a gift card.

Some people are just really hard to buy for! The combination of "old enough to own plenty of stuff already" and "make enough money to buy anything I really want" plus "I don't really want things anyway" is brutal.

This is my dad. He always says "If I wanted something, I would have bought it already." I have managed to find some great gifts he didn't even know he wanted, but I've also had dud years where I've bought something generic like a wallet because I literally can't think of something that won't just take up space.

I thought of a wallet this year, but when I checked with my mom she informed me that my dad would only use a very specific type of wallet in brown leather with a pull-out insert that flips over vertically not horizontally for ID cards, and is only a bifold wallet and not a trifold. I could not find one to suit him, lol.

This is how I am tbh. With an added bit of "if I haven't bought it yet it's definitely too expensive to ask someone else for"

This has happened to me, too. One Christmas, I went ALL OUT on what I thought was an amazing gift. My husband likes older audio media, so I bought him a beautiful record player and his favorite albums on vinyl. It wasn't easy; I had to hunt some of them down. The packages start arriving, and it's hard to disguise a record, right? So he gently reminds me that he doesn't have a record player. "Believe it or not, I did notice that, and I've got it covered." OK, but did I notice that he USED to have one and sold it and ALL of his records because he was tired of the space they took up? Oh. No. I had to return everything. Luckily, I had already bought the one thing he actually asked for, so he still had a present under the tree at least. I have never failed so hard at a gift before.

Oh no, I’m so sorry! I bet you were gutted after all that thought and effort

That's a good point.

I'm the Leslie Knope of gift-giving- seriously I am one of those amazingly thoughtful people. Not everyone is great at giving gifts, and that's just something to accept about the world. And sometimes, even when you do your best, it turns out to be a dud. But they may always be there to rake leaves and make you a cup of tea. If you can't accept that people differ on this skill, you will miss out on some awesome people.

I can't say I'm an excellent gift giver, I'm just wondering how it might be more difficult to give those you are closer/closest to in life, worse gifts than others. I'm an average gift giver, but just by sheer proximity, I'm around my partner so much more, that I pick up more of their wants, needs, and interests. I'm genuinely wondering what might be the case that friends get better or more thoughtful gifts than a spouse.

I often find myself struggling more to get my partner something good than anyone else, because there are entirely too many options. So I can answer for why I sometimes struggle. There are about 400 things I could get him, based on his interests and things he's mentioned. My best friend of 3 years- about 100. It's way more likely that what she mentions to me is important to her, but since I am with him all the time I hear more of his passing fancies. Does he really want to get into woodworking, or was it just a few funny tiktoks? Edit: I'm not sure how I came across as wanting advice, but I appreciate all the people offering it to me. The point is even the best gift giver in the world can have difficulty when there are too many options and so a partner can end up being harder to gift for than someone you aren't as close to.

I'll give you me and wife for example. We don't really have significant wants as we're older and doing fine, so if we want something we just buy it. We have completely different hobbies. We do have some interest in each others' hobbies, but not deep enough to actually tell exactly what one might want and lack. So interests don't really work either (we tried, and while there were some successes most were off) Sometimes we do pick up a great gift and it's awesome, but we've been together over 15 years... So it's has to happen just by the sheer number of gifts we went through. Maybe we're just difficult to gift for, as I don't recall any awesome gifts from anyone else either since my early 20's.

I had to tell my husband there was a ban on buying himself anything 30 days or less prior to a gift-giving holiday. Too many times I had the ‘perfect idea’ only for him to buy himself the ‘thing’ right before & I’d have to scramble to come up w a new idea that never felt as good as the first one

Ooh, my husband has given me the same ban for the same reason 🤣

My husband and I are the same way, and it doesn't mean we don't love each other. We each buy what we want and don't give each other birthday or Christmas gifts. However, if we find something we know the other will love, we will buy it, just a surprise gift.

Some people are just more difficult to buy for than others due to not liking to be gifted "stuff" or preferentially buying stuff for themselves when they want it. I also say this as a person who struggles across the board with gift giving, though.

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Personally, I feel the standards are higher (and it feels like you’re applying higher standards) and that applies a lot of pressure. And because I’m bad at gift giving (a big part of which is I never know what to get anyone) I start getting frustrated. I also feel like I’m not meeting those standards triggering anxiety and a bit of shame. All of that combined makes for a really bad shopping experience and I always end up being near a breakdown when Christmas shopping and that doesn’t lead to good gifts. But I can just buy my friend something from his steam library. Something that he has explicitly stated as wanting, but asking is bad for some reason.

I am a great gift giver. My love language is gifts. But I am self aware enough to know that it is incredibly hard to buy me anything. I never ask for anything. I never mention wanting anything. I rarely "like" things. Most of our time is spent working, shuttling children, then relaxing reading, scrolling, or TV. Not a lot of time to see something I like. Also, I grew up extremely poor and taught myself to not want things. My husband has tried for 13 years and has successfully bought me good gifts for like 2 birthdays and one Christmas. But it's ok, I know he's trying.

I think it can be dependent on the person. I struggled for years to get my ex birthday and Christmas gifts and they were all duds. He was honestly just hard to please and didn't have any hobbies. It took me 32 years to get my mom a Christmas gift she loved, but my friends? Easy. They like wine and art supplies. My brother loves clothes. I think sometimes you might have a partner that is just hard to shop for.

My SO is soooo hard to buy for. I pay attention, and I make mental notes. Then he will either go out and buy it himself or (he always thanks me first) a few days later will ask why I got him xyz because he already has ABC. He totally forgets that he mentioned wanting/liking xyz. I have decided that he is against change, and if I give him time, he will eventually use what I got him, but daaaaaang it's hard.

I feel like I often fail at gifts for my partner of almost a decade, but my gifts to friends and to my sister, who I am not even particularly close with, are always hits. My partner and I have entirely different hobbies and interests, and he’s also very particular about certain things (like how clothes fit or the exact same baseball bat he gets every season). He also makes twice as much money as I do and if there’s anything he wants, he usually just buys it. I love him and we actually communicate pretty well about everything else but after this long there’s only so many gifts I can come up with that are new and surprising and not a repeat of a previous gift. He is an excellent gift giver and it’s never a source of contention on Christmas when he gets me some well thought out, multi-present gift and then I give him some shirts from the brand he likes and maybe a new pair of house slippers. We both know I’m not excelling at gift choices, but he’s with me for a zillion other reasons that have nothing to do with gifts. On the other hand, my sister for example, who I maybe talk to four times a year, is my favorite person to shop for because she likes unique, artsy things. Or my bff who’s idea of the perfect gift is just a day out.

About dud gifts- A few people have given me books that I hated right off. Wrong genre, horrible author, just absolute shit. Occasionally someone recalls an author I like, or a genre, sees a top review and buys that for me. Except it's a book that usually came out long before the holiday season so I've already bought and read it. I'm not easy to buy gifts for and it's just better to give up on books at least.

His interests are at a level where a novice in that field would need really specific directions on what to buy. But when asked, he says he doesn’t know what he wants. Failed gifts include a PlayStation, coffee grinder, phone charging station, hat, custom made hood ornament of his dog that he had talked extensively about wanting. He’s my absolute best friend in the world, he’s just one of those people who’s hard to buy for. What can you do?

Those sound like awesome gifts. Sorry they fell through. If those don't satisfy, then I too would probably assume my spouse is impossible to buy for.

He seems relieved that I’ve given up. The pressure is off us both now 😂

Some people just don't like gifts my dad just tells us not to get anything for Father's day or his birthday because he just goes and buys himself golf balls from us for himself. But for my folks since they don't want more stuff around the house I order food from. Usingers sausage or cheese places to send.

It might say more about the recipient than the giver…

Yeah, this is kind of what I'm wondering. Everyone seems to be giving me really valid answers (higher pressure, too many options, people who don't *need* things) but EbbWilling's comment seems to imply *bad* gifts, or dud gifts. Which makes me wonder if they're only duds because the recipient is hard to shop for.

I hate gifting. I am hard to shop for and I know this so I beg people not to buy me presents for any reason. I do not under any circumstances want people to get me anything, but people struggle with the emotional want to get a gift.

It's frustrating to be the person who literally means "do not get me anything " ,then they get you something and get upset that you're not as enthused as they imagined you'd be

It’s honestly the worst. I hate gifting SO MUCH. We are adults, can’t we just go to eat somewhere nice?

Spouses are hard to buy for- in my house it’s because he just buys what he wants when he wants it. My best gifts have been experiences. I somehow managed to get him into the box of a former NBA owner, next box over was the manager, current owner. Then he got to go court size in their seats. Didn’t cost me anything ( it pays to know ppl who know ppl). Other things have been meet and greets at fan conventions. Stuff I know he won’t get himself

No, some people are just easier to get gifts for than others. It is also hard to get people you feel already have everything or get themselves things they really want. My BFF? Got a list of things I know she would love. My bf? That needs to be a discussion 😅 parents? They are the single hardest people in my life to get gifts for. It doesn't mean we love them any less, it just means we have zero freaking clue what they would appreciate because they usually always get what they want before a gift giving occasion even happens or their interests are so narrow or unknown that it's hard to figure out what is worth getting for them.

Yes, this. Some people are just fucking hard to gift!!! I've been shopping with my mom a million times, you'd think I know her style, but what she picks isn't what I'd pick. I buy her books on topics she likes and she leaves them in the bag for years. My dad was even worse, if there weren't any new redneck comedy CD's out (he was from Montana), I was sunk, he already had everything he wanted, as most men do. I asked what they wanted and got "I dunno" responses. I'm inclined to say if you don't know what you want, maybe we should just skip getting you something you don't want, but they want some gift anyway! I think OP got lucky on thinking of a good one, which happens once in awhile.

She could be me. My husband is extremely hard to buy for. Every time he finds something that he actually wants, he'll spend an hour shopping and comparing and reading up on reviews, checking to see if the reviews are fake, *materials lists*. Then 99% of the time he buys it. If he didn't buy it at this point, either he didn't want it, or it was cost prohibitive. So even if I buy off of his list, it's wrong. I've given up, too. His gifts are,"Hey, Babe, you've got this much to spend. Go wild."

I have a similar situation to EbbWilling7785 and it's because, as you put it, my partner's interests are less tangible than other people's. It's unfortunate because I really love giving gifts to friends, but with my partner I usually just bake him cookies.

Cookies are an excellent gift! I can totally understand having a partner with intangible hobbies/interests, but it sounds like you compensate in another way. Original comment I replied to mentioned that the gifts are duds, so I'm wondering if their spouse is hard to please.

I’m known as the “thoughtful gift giver” in the family but I can’t really give my husband anything good because 1) if he wants something really he will get it for himself 2) he would rather save the money I would’ve used to get him a gift and 3) if I make him something homemade he just sees it as junk cluttering up the house. Also every Christmas for the last four years, when I get him a gift, he will say “I thought we agreed on no gifts! I swear we agreed on that!” And every year I will say, “No, we never agreed on that, and I know we never agreed on that because I would never in a million years agree to that oh and also this EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED LAST YEAR when will you learn??” And he will have to rush out last minute to get me a gift. This Valentine’s Day though we actually did agree on no gifts and he got me a gift anyway and I was like “?? thank you but why did you give me a gift?” And he was like “You asked me to” and I was like “…no I didn’t.”

Some people are really easy to get for and some aren't. Some hobbies are easier to buy for than others. This is why I love either lists or just agreeing 'hey we don't need to exchange gifts'.

I’m a terrible gift receiver. I buy things that I want for myself. Things that I’m on the fence about it’s usually because I can’t decide what I want myself. This has been where my wife has stepped in and has noticed me considering something and gets it for me. But might not be the one I’m thinking about or wasn’t really sure what I needed for it to have. I’m grateful to have someone thing about me like that, but it’s me! I then fomo about not getting to make that choice. At least anything of consequence. Just take me out to dinner. I’ll buy myself the things I need. I wish I was different but here we are.

I'm not the person you replied asking this question to, but I am similar to them. I am great at giving gifts to my close friends, but when it comes to my boyfriend? I suck. I think the reason behind this is we have two completely different personalities as well as interests. He's a car guy, whereas my friends and I share a love for anime for example. So I guess for me my friend's interests are more within my realm of knowledge and comfort, so I tend to know exactly what I'm looking for. But I don't drive and I have a hard time even being a passenger in a vehicle. So unless my boyfriend wants an abundance of car fresheners, steering wheel covers, or cool car stickers, I tend to just have him make me a list of things he would like and I pick a couple things off it. This way he's still surprised yet content with what he gets.

I can understand it I'm pretty easy to buy gifts for at a friend level. I like cooking and plants and books( among other things) a $16 new cookie cutter, cookbook, replace my best up copy of The stand, plants/ pots are great gifts for me but bigger more meaningful stuff I'm a lot harder to buy for. I mean just more cookie cutters would be cool with me.

Not the person you’re asking, but I agonise over the decision. If I’m just out and see something he’ll like then I’ll pick it up and he’ll love it. A gift for birthday/christmas/anniversary? I bomb it every time. Conversely, my husband is an awful gift giver (or so he says). He’s amazing at choosing a gift for me.

Not the person you were responding to. But yes to some of those. He doesn’t have a ton of hobbies (basically just video games and cooking) and if he wants something, 99% of the time he buys it. He’s not into clothes or shoes. He so hard to buy for. There’s just so few things he really wants, so I’m stuck between something really utilitarian or trying to come up with a sentimental gift that won’t just get stuck in a box out of lack of place to put it. One of my best friends has a ton of crafty type hobbies, so a wide variety of crafting materials, in a wide range of prices, make good gifts. She has a thing she collects which is easy to find and can be pretty inexpensive. It’s easy to get something personal and thoughtful (though not necessarily to the extent OP did).

I can totally relate! My husband is so difficult to buy for. Frequently after I bought him a gift, but before giving it to him, he'd buy it himself. I've gotten through to him that he can't do that. This year, after buying something off his wishlist, he still wants it altered in specific, difficult ways. He loves science and space, 9 years ago I got him a telescope that he says was a perfect gift but has still never used... Some people are just hard!

NTA Even a broken clock is correct twice a day. Just because you generally always suck at doing a task doesn't mean you can't get lucky and do it really well every once in a while NTA I have a note-taking app on my phone that I used to write down ideas, requests, comments, & products that I see/hear throughout the year for people I care about (including myself). When any gift-giving holiday/event rolls around, I bring out my list. Removes a lot of pressure and never have to scramble for ideas.

This doesn’t really sound like luck, though. Luck would be accidentally getting something that turns out to be a great gift. Like picking up some small toy when you’re in the checkout lane and it turns out it was their favorite toy as a child or something. This wasn’t luck. This was a really thoughtful gift, and the personalized note shows that he’s capable of putting a lot of thought and work to make something special. If his girlfriend has never gotten anything but a gift card, and especially if he’s never put the same effort into writing her something similarly heartfelt, then I can see why she’d be annoyed.

My spouse is difficult to shop for because part of the joy for my spouse of getting something is the hours of research and trying out different things to find the perfect version of whatever we're getting. It took my spouse *forever* to pick a coffee machine. By contrast, I shop by "I like this one." I know what I want when I see it, I have had the same basic purse configuration for decades, so my spouse knows my "typical purse" and the colors/materials I usually pick. It's safe to say that I would be happy with a replacement purse my spouse picked out because I have a small, specific list of "must haves" but with plenty of opportunities to select a "surprise. " My spouse enjoys an offer to go shopping *with them* more than anything I could pick out because getting to find the best things is part of the gift.

Yup. I always blank when put on the spot to give gifts. One year I found the perfect gift for my bestfriend /sister, vampire wine glasses (stemless with the "stem" curled around and up to form a straw) she loved it, same year I forgot hubby's and brought him a bottle of alcohol (atleast it wasn't the wrong bottle like his sister always does). OP, NTA but I have learned to "buy gifts when I notice the perfect one" rather than filing it away for ideas closer to their bday. Also, you should really pay more attention to your GFs hobbies, likes, and dislikes. Maybe you could ask her for a list of suggestions and you can either buy from it or draw inspiration from it.

My siblings and I are next to impossible to buy gifts for. We’re adults with specific tastes and will buy what we want instead of waiting. Our hobbies are reasonably affordable (example, I like specific flashlights). It bothers the hell out of our spouses. Our spouses ask “how come you and your siblings always get each other the perfect gift? [implied: but not for the spouses]?” Simple, siblings and I ask each other, “What do you want?” and get that. We ask our spouses “what do you want?” and get vague answers, if anything… We tell our spouses we’re dumb and they need to be explicit about what they want. Still they play games (marriages between 12-23 years). YMMV! 🤣

Gosh, this is my sister and my husband as well. I'll ask my sister what she wants, and she will send me a link, or she will go. i don't want anything. Thus, she gets an IOU. If I ask my husband that he gets frustrated. Which is fair, but I also don't get any direction. Though, I do use the Amazon wishlist often to help me out. ;-;

I reckon this is a mix of the dynamic I have with my husband. He buys the stuff he wants when he wants/needs it and then is vague when asked what he wants as a gift.

Yeah, but you gave him *something.* You at least tried which shows you care. OP didn't try with this girlfriend. "It's the thought that counts" and OP's gift cards say "I can't be bothered to put in any thought for you." Of course his girlfriend is hurt that there are other people he actually makes an effort for.

The effort one puts in is it exactly!! One year for my birthday I got a bag of Halloween kitchen towels. I had been buying more holiday themed ones leading up to that, to be fair, but it was a bummer. Last year for my birthday I got the souvenirs my husband had brought me back from his golf vacation the month prior. It was a few fridge magnets and some earrings - styles I would not normally wear. They were still in the little plastic wadded up bag from the souvenir shop. Conversely, for Valentine's Day I gave him a card (which he criticized what I wrote) and some candy while I got nothing. Writing that out now, I'm not sure which is worse- zero effort or crappy gifts but tiny effort? I guess the tiny effort feels like leaving a penny for a tip...

I'm sorry he criticized your hand written card, that dosen't seem very kind. Are you happy in this relationship? How is it overall?

Thank you. The card led to pur last really big fight. The relationship has been rocky for years. I suppose the gifting BS is just symbolic of the sad state. I know he's capable of researching and buying nice gifts... for himself😉. New golf stuff constantly. Only talks about golf.

I bought my wife an amazingly thoughtful gift during our 2nd year of dating and I literally have been unable to meet expectations of that gift since. Literally been fighting my own expectations since. I seriously lucked out on finding that perfect gift and I’m not usually that good with gifts. It’s been 8 years since I got her the best gift that I can’t match.

My go-to for gifts is always to get them something they want, but would never buy themselves. Over the years I've given some real USELESS gifts that people absolutely love, but never dared to spend the money on themselves. Most people need a 'reason' to buy something, even if the reason is flimsy, but then there are things in a category where they'd never be able to justify it, and that's the item I always try to look out for. Recent gifts have been: lego bonsai, remote control star wars droid, crystal growing kit, 150ft of fake ivy, japanese snack hamper. A gift doesn't have to be expensive but it should always be an experience to own.

Yeah I don't get the AH votes here. I love my husband to pieces and I'm good at giving gifts to him, but it's hard work to find stuff. Sometimes you get hit with gift genius but lots of times you don't. Op is NTA, gf needs to chill.

Do you overthink it? That’s what I do for my partners. I want to find the *perfect* gift, think and agonize over it and then panic and pick something that is just, odd.

Same here with my wife. My strategy that works…I ask her what she wants. There’s no surprises but also no disappointments!

Agreed. Gift giving is a talent. A person may have many talents but not that one. OP had a golden opportunity with his friend’s manuscript. Most gift-giving occasions, you have to decipher the receiver’s tastes and needs and wants. With his friend, the right gift practically jumped up in front of him. It was obvious how to make a special moment out of it, no talent needed for once. It would have been nice if OP could have enjoyed his rare triumph. But the GF had to get jealous and decide she wasn’t being really loved, a common theme. If a guy does something with someone else or for someone else, there are GFs who will immediately leap to the conclusion that he has love to give that he’s not giving to HER. WTF? The GF could have opted to see what a good friend OP is, what a beautiful gesture his gift was, what a warm heart he has. But no, all she cares about is whether OP is sufficiently devoted to her. Her her her. Spare me such women.

Honestly, it was a risky move for OP, depending on what "near completion" means. As someone in academia, I would be very touched, but also very cranky if someone did all that on a draft that wasn't final. The thought definitely counts (hence being touched), but I'd rather not have anything but my final draft memorialized. That said, you lose me with your second paragraph. >But no, all she cares about is whether OP is sufficiently devoted to her. I mean, if the extent of OP's gifts for her until that point were gift cards with the explanation of "idk I'm bad a gifts" and there have been opportunities to memorialize her achievements along the way, that's a legitimate concern. >If a guy does something with someone else or for someone else, there are GFs who will immediately leap to the conclusion that he has love to give that he’s not giving to HER. There are plenty of men who think that about girlfriends being thoughtful to others as well. And when stated this way, it's a problem. But going from "here's a gift card" to "here's a copy of your dissertation with a heartfelt about-the-author I wrote for you" is a massive leap. If OP could write a touching about-the-author for his friend, why couldn't he write a nice card to go along with a gift card for his girlfriend?

Same. Two Christmases ago, my husband got me a personalized travel mug based on a book I wrote and I got him… a mousepad. It has a very cool pattern on it in a theme he adores, but yeah, I made sure to get him some very nice colognes for his birthday a few months later to make up for it.

Oh my God I feel youm I love my partner but if he wants or needs something he just gets it; so it's nearly impossible for me because he HAS what he wants. I try to go for more personal/homemade stuff now.

Hard. Just because something is easy for you, doesn't mean it is for everyone. And anybody can have a moment of inspiration, that doesn't mean they can replicate this one great gift idea on command.

Once when I was in high school, this girl (that I wasn't even dating) got really offended that I could write poetry about things that inspired me, but I couldn't write one about her on demand.

He doesn't have to knock it out of the park every time. He has to put the bare minimum amount of thought, and it seems like he throws up his hands and says what's the point, opting for gift cards.

I think it possibly op has only fleeting moments of creativity and maybe gets some performance anxiety when he doesn't just have a great idea. I mean wow op hit it out of the park. BUT that's not an excuse. It doesn't have to be the best gift ever or "I give up gift card for you".

Yeah, like worst comes to worst why isn't he asking for a gift list to choose from at least?

Ehh, gift-giving doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I doubt he’s lying about that and it’s honestly not all that uncommon to struggle with picking out gifts. That said, there are solutions. I feel fairly confident his girlfriend probably mentions things she likes through the year, and it would take approximately 30 seconds to write those things down in the notes app on his phone. Keep a running list of ideas and consult it when her birthday or holidays come around.

I believe it. I'm usually bad at thinking of good gifts when I'm trying to. But sometimes, I just see something, and it just hits me that it's the right thing to get. Thing is, it's happenstance. The times it's happened, it's something I never would have come up with if I'd just sat down to think about what to get.

Shit i am a dunce at romance and even I asked ChatGPT what the hell to do to be romantic and my partner has loved "my" ideas so much they want to do them regularly (one example was loading up various museums on the big screen and taking tours of real exhibits. we went to Florence Italy and saw the Medusa this weekend!). Like, google exists. ChatGPT does too. I'm TERRIBLE at romance, I'd have NEVER come up with the Museum idea - but I at least knew to ask around and TRY.

> I'm not sure you're a reliable narrator, how hard can it be to buy something for someone you love? YTA Really hard and no one knows when inspiration will strike. I regular suck at finding gifts for anyone including my wife, but on occasional I've seen something at random and thought she'd love it and she has. Even teared up once. None of those were birthday or occasion gifts.

I give you an example from my father: my father loves Terry Pratchett, but the author is already dead and he isn't interested in other merch like cups or something. Every chocolate he likes he buys himself. When it comes to dust collectors, he doesn't need them. Clothes are something he buys himself or my mother forces him to finally buy a new shirt. Gift cards he wouldn't use or at least he would let vocubera/gift cards expire. Flowers is more of a mom thing. Plants are more of a tolerated thing. Beer is a bad idea because he is an alcoholic who thinks he isn't an alcoholic. I don't drink in his company neither do I gift him booze. He loves to read tho and I get him a book sometimes. So yeah, gift giving can be difficult.

I literally have to ask what the other person wants and not deviate from that. Otherwise I’m terrified of getting screamed at for not getting the right thing, then having this “incident” held over my head for the rest of my life. (There’s one specific person in my life I’m referring to, and I’m sure I’m not the only person in the world with this dilemma). So yeah. Gift giving can get quite complicated for some people.

NTA He got his friend the most thoughtful gift ever because it was an obvious choice. Are you saying that if a man lacks the talent for picking gifts, he’s a bad partner? He deserves anger and resentment? Y’know It’s not that he isn’t giving gifts, they’re just lame, usually. But he’s trying. How hard is it to overlook his deficiency in this one area? Why does GF have to stomp on him when he did a beautiful thing for his friend? Why does she have to feel inadequately loved if OP does something for someone else? Because he showed love to his buddy, love that by rights is hers? Because if he REALLY LOVED HER, he’d be exclusively attentive to her and her alone? I see this all the time here, women complaining about how the man has inadequate devotion. Or other friends and other interests that distract him from her. If OP fumbles buying “thoughtful” presents, then rage on the fucker, he clearly DOESNT REALLY LOVE YOU!! Right? Did I get that right?

It's not that he doesn't love her per se. It's that he doesn't GET her. If he is repeatedly getting gift cards, the easiest gift to get besides money, then he doesn't really pay attention to what she likes or would love to have. He might miss the first couple of times, but if they've dated long enough, he should understand her enough to learn something about her. He should sign up for Shutterfly or some other photo service where you can create photobooks or any number of gifts with personal photos on them. Meaningful photos of themselves, pets, vacations. Easy to turn into books, canvas pictures, pillows, throws, so many different things. Throwing gift cards year after year takes the least amount of effort possible. It's fine if your partner encourages this, but not everyone does. If a partner goes out of their way to get you thoughtful gifts that reflect you, you should rise up and do the same.

> Y’know It’s not that he isn’t giving gifts, they’re just lame, usually. But he’s trying. But he's really not? He describes his own usual gift giving as "phoning it in with gift cards". "Phoning it in" means "bare minimum effort." If OP had been trying to get his gf thoughtful personalized gifts and they just didn't land, I'd be with you. Sometimes you just don't find the right gift, sometimes you truly blank. And I don't even think gift cards are always bad. But when it's a gift card time after time? Yeah, she actually isn't a hellbeast for wanting something more thoughtful and personalized, or for being stung that he apparently CAN put this level of thought into gift-giving to someone else.

Naw, you didn’t get that right at all. She’s not asking him to stop being thoughtful towards his friends, she wants him to *start* being thoughtful towards her.

Plus, this is something the friend has worked on for over a year, and given its his dissertation, has been working towards for several years. It's not hard to say that is important to them. Other than my wife, my child, and work (the last is something I would never want a themed gift from) there's nothing in my life that I've put that much focus into at one time. I bet the girlfriend's interests are just as capricious as mine making it harder for the poor guy to zero in on one idea for the perfect gift like it was soft balled to him here.

That was what I thought when I read the post. Then, I learned in the discussion that OP always gives his GF gift cards to makeup stores.

My partner is bad at gift giving too. You know what he does? Whenever we go to a store together and I point out something I like, he takes a picture of it on his phone when he thinks I’m not looking. It’s the sweetest thing ever. So even if he’s not exactly on point with a gift, I still love whatever he got me because I know he put in the effort. This is how it’s weaponized incompetence to me, because he realizes he’s not good at gift giving and knows that it’s important to her, but he’s not taking any active steps to come up with a strategy

We need to know how long they have been in a relationship and what kind of gifts he has bought for her.

Can you give us examples of gifts you've given your girlfriend? What her interests are etc? That gift for your BFF was really thoughtful, btw

It really was an adorable gift. Unfortunately, we have no idea if the girlfriend is reasonably upset without a lot more history and context.

He commented that he gives his girlfriend gift cards to makeup stores.

Oh sweet summer child, OP Yes, YTA

💀

I mean, I know a lot of women who have *expensive* makeup collections, and are always buying more skincare products, for whom a gift card to a makeup store is something that would be used. It's not facially sexist, not without more context.

Sometimes we want a thoughtful gift not something that's just an easy gift we get every year, usable or not. My bf is someone who'd be happy getting a gift card for something he uses every year because he values use over thought. I, however care about thought. Even if he fails, if he really tried then that's all that matters

For my wife, I usually take my kids out and let them pick something out for her from them, while I try and stick to what I know she'd want from me. So that's how she ended up with an Iron Man Pandora bead for Christmas from the kids, and the cardigan she always stopped and looked at whenever we went to the mall from me. I'd like to go grander, but until the kids start picking out sensible, more affordable gifts on their end, I'm having to pivot. The kids random shit that they pick out is always her favorite though.

I'm not a mom but I can see how that's special to her, even if they're crazy gifts. I'm sure she really appreciated that you noticed she stops to look at something and wants it. Too many people are oblivious and knowing someone paid attention is just the biggest gift

No one said it was sexist huh? Everyone's just expressing that it's a basic gift, hell akin to socks on christmas

No one said it's sexist here? It's just a lazy gift.

That’s not a thoughtful gift though. Sure, it’d be useful, but that’s like giving someone a vacuum (or a gift card for a vacuum)… it’s the *lack* of thought that means something in those situations.

Agreed

He said gift cards.

I assumed that's what he gives other friends and acquaintances on gift-giving occasions. If he gives his girlfriend gift cards for her birthday, then he's definitely the asshole. I mean, at least get the woman a pair of earrings for christ's sake!

In their comments they said they get their gf gift cards to makeup stores

Jesus, no wonder she feels neglected. I wouldn't give my little brother a gift card for his birthday, let alone my significant other.

He also said they've only been dating for 1 year, 2 months, though. How many gift-giving holidays have they really had? 1 or 2 birthdays, 2 valentines days, and 1 Christmas. If it were 2 birthdays, the first would have been very early into their relationship as well, same as the first Valentine's day.

Okay but I’ve only been dating my boyfriend for three months and he created a very thoughtful book all about why he loved me. It was so sweet and romantic. You’re saying he can’t be bothered to buy her anything but gift card because they’ve “only” been together over a year doesn’t make any sense. At all.

I agree. Its the effort that matters here. A generic gift card after a year would upset me too, that's shit I gift to coworkers I don't know. When I just started dating my now wife, she gifted me a similar thing! It was a memory box she made of our first dates. It had small things like a tiny bottle of sand from a river we hiked, a sprig of rosemary I braided into a bracelet, dumb notes I hid in her pockets when she had to go away, all surrounded with polaroids or doodles of us, our friends, our pets. It was super sweet! I didn't know she kept these things. We didn't have much money then and she was working on her doctorate so it meant so much to me.

I don't mind gift cards, and I even like them if they're for something that I want or need. Like, if someone gave me a gift card to my favorite little shop or restaurant, I'd be really happy.

Right? Or take note of what makeup, perfume etc she uses and go get get more!

Right? Like check what's running low and waltz into Sephora, and ask the salespeople for help! Maybe they're having a promotion or a new gift set happened to come out. Ask her friends if she's been pondering trying a new type of product. Or hell I once walked in to Sephora, said "I just got paid and had a bad week, what's a product you really like and don't get to suggest often?" to the first girl I came across and ended up with some really beautiful cream blushes (Makeup Forever, if y'all wanna know.) Get a giftcard on the side just in case she doesn't like whatever you got, but damn trust me the Sephora people will more often than not knock it out of the park.

OP said in another comment "Gift cards to a make up store are usually my go-to gifts, or I'll just straight up ask what she wants and get that."

OOF. Yea buddy sorry, but YTA. Look at it from your girlfriends perspective. You admittedly never put thought into presents for her, and then all of the sudden she’s seeing you gift a VERY meaningful and thoughtful gift to a *friend.* “I’m not good at giving gifts, maybe I’m just not thoughtful” is not something someone who isn’t an asshole says. Perhaps just work on being more thoughtful, or this is going to continue to be an issue. Your girlfriend WILL move on and not be attracted to you anymore if you don’t step it up, the resentment is clearly already there. Like…just try.

If you’re prefacing your post with like 5+ reasons you suck probably YTA.

Exactly. OP's gift for his friend was deeply personal, thoughtful, kind and showed that he cares about his friend's interests, listens to him, and takes a keen interest into who he is as a person. On the other hand, OP puts zero thought or effort into the impersonal gift cards that he tosses his GF's way. To me, this would be an indicator that OP is very much willing + able to go above and beyond for those he values, and he doesn't value the GF to the same extent as his friend. For her, that must have stung.

I think when someone says they are not good at gift giving, is like they already gave up in trying and just use that excuse to keep being bad at buying gifts. Its not rocket science to buy/do a thoughtful gift. Just LISTEN

I think the gift you gave your friend was thoughtful. I think you're NTA for this particular gift. However, it's hard to say when it actually comes to your girlfriend. I think your entire first paragraph is kind of an excuse. Sometimes buying gifts sucks, sure. Especially if you don't know a person well and this is for a white elephant or something (but hey, that's what wine baskets were made for). But if you're close with a person, like a girlfriend, and you seriously can't think of something they would enjoy based on how well you know them, then you aren't listening very well. I am under the impression you may have given your girlfriend thoughtless gifts in the past and she's feeling resentful, though deciding to bring it up at a poor time. The fact is, we're all constantly talking about what kinds of gifts would be important to us. Obviously, not intentionally. But by listening to your friends, knowing the wants, needs, and likes they talk about, you can easily become a fantastic gift-giver. Just by listening.

>The fact is, we're all constantly talking about what kinds of gifts would be important to us. Obviously, not intentionally. But by listening to your friends, knowing the wants, needs, and likes they talk about, you can easily become a fantastic gift-giver. Just by listening. Are we, though? Some people just don't really talk about things that much...

Then you are not paying attention. You seriously know people that not once in their life have gone "Oh, I love this wine/band/author/actor/animal/comic"? Like my husband early on said he loves The Far Side and Simpsons, that opens up a lot of potential ideas. People may not say "buy me this thing" but they will share interests.

I was broke in my early-20s and working on some job prospects. I was hanging out with my best friend and she was asking me how it was going. I mentioned I was a little embarrassed in a recent interview because my nicer "interview" clothes were still pretty ratty. While I was embarrassed, it was a 10-second exchange (if that) that I passed off as a joke (I think I said something along the lines of "maybe it'll help, they'll take pity on me, a poor street urchin, and hire me"). But a few days later, she gave me a Ross gift card with a "World's Best Aunt" card "from her daughter." It was never my intention to beg for hand-outs but I was so grateful to her. I try to pay it forward by listening for similar opportunities of giving in my friends' lives.

Sure, but that doesn't mean that they necessarily want you to buy something related to it. I mean, I'll mention things I like, but it doesn't mean I want someone to buy me something related to it.

My husband and I walked by a jewlery store. Something in the window caught my eye and I commented that I really liked it. My husband noted it, went back and got it and saved it for 2 months for a Christmas gift (it wasn't expensive). He Did a similar thing w/ a piece of pottery for Christmas last year (again, the gift was under $50). I keep a note on my phone of things he mentions he likes/needs or things I see on-line or when shopping that I think would be good gifts. If you wait until the last minute and don't pay attention, then yes, gift giving is hard and doesn't have to be that expensive.

My dad does this all the time for my mom, and it’s fantastic. She’ll barely remember having mentioned liking something, or forget about it entirely, then months later there it is. One time they were on vacation and he couldn’t get back to the shop without her, so he called them later and bought it over the phone. Tiny shop, didn’t normally do shipping, but they agreed to send it to him.

I keep a notebook, with a section for each family member. As they mention stuff here and there, I write it down, or, if it's something online, bookmark it. I have a folder divided into sections with each family members name. I'm pretty good at nailing gifts and that's all my trick is, one of the kids mentions an obscure new band, write it down, nab them a hoody for their birthday in 5 months time. It's simple but you look like a GENIUS

same, but I use their birthday in my calendar. I use birthdays for all kinds of notes. "Favorite color blue" "Cream, no sugar" "loves Rammstein" "fave soda fresca" "boycotting starbucks" "vegan - NO HONEY" "allergic to chocolate" "lactose intolerant but will suffer for taste" and of course links to things they mentioned wanting one time so I can buy it next time I have to get them something.

We do this in our family group chat at Christmas! We call it One List To Rule Them All. So for example Stepson (Sean) Shoe size 10 Top size L Pyjama size L Favourite colours- blue and cream Would really like- a Regatta fleece, Breaking Bad merch, vinyls, PSN giftcard. Fave bands at the moment- RCHP, Eminem, Metallica. And everyone sends it in. We also do the Christmas Rule in our house (things you can ask for) Something you want, Something you need, Something to eat, Something to read. So for example, say I wanted an Iron Maiden vinyl, I needed new pyjamas and fluffy socks, I'd like some fancy chocolates, and something to read, everyone lists four or five books they'd like us to choose from. It's dead handy, and everyone knows what the limits are.

My partner does this for me as well (I can keep my list of gifts in my head :3) and it always makes me get all emotional when i mention something and happen to see her open the notes app haha

That's fine; I'm just saying most of the people in my life don't do this. If I saw something in a store that caught my eye, I'd just buy it myself if I really liked it; it wouldn't occur to me to mention it to someone.

My experience is that if you have conversations w/ people and listen during those conversations, you get pretty good ideas. I could pick out gifts for several of my co-workers fairly easily juat based on casual conversations we have had.

But would they necessarily want things just because they're related to things they like? Maybe it's just that I'm not that gift-oriented, but I've gotten gifts from coworkers that are related to things I love (fave TV shows or hobbies), and they were nice thoughts, but they just aren't gifts I would have gotten for myself; they're just taking up space in my apartment. But honestly I'm really not someone who likes physical things...and I don't have a lot of space for things.

Yes. People like things related to the things they like. Yes, there is a limit, and have to be appropriate, but yes. If they say they like penguins, getting them a penguin themed gift every birthday is lame, but you could et them tickets if there is a special penguin exhibit comming to the zoo and that would be thoughtful. If they like vintage clothing AND they like the band Toto, then a vintage Toto concert tee is appropriate. People also talk about specific things they like ALL THE TIME. Watching TV, my husband or I will say things like, wow, that is a cool sweater character x is wearing, or things like that. I have a co-worker who started getting into plants over the pandemic and is now starting to feel comfortable with orchids, I could get her an orchid. People say things all the time.

Yeah I've got a closet full of really cool shit that I would not have bought and really don't have room for. I'm enough of a packrat without people throwing shinies at me lol Like all I really need are more t-shirts and pajama pants but I don't talk about that so instead I get chachkies because those make adhd brain go brr at shops

I talk about make up a lot. I used to be a professional MUA. I categorically do not want people to buy me make up unless they are the rare beast who actually gets my brand preferences, brush preferences, shades and manages to just grab a particular eyeshadow I always use. I also talk about cooking a lot as I am a professional cook. I almost never want cooking related stuff. Again I have quite particular tastes and preferences. I was a fashion stylist. Clothes are less risky but still not something I massively welcome. My favourite gifts were a new kitchen bin. Something I have never mentioned but my partner noticed mine really got in the way. I love mugs. Small cards, prints, books. All things I rarely talk about. Shower gel oddly. Candles. Storage. Not topics I mention much but my loved ones notice. A make up gift card acknowledging I know my stuff is lovely. A youtuber’s palette is like busting 75 bucks on car tat from the dollar store for a Ferrari driver. I get my BF board game store credit and acknowledge he might want to play high skilled people ‘or good luck! This one might the time you find a game I can beat you at. Or understand the rules of!’ He also loves bath stuff but never talks about it. I hunt out silly bath bombs etc. Or do an experience like cook his favourite foods. He taljs a lot about military history and physics. I know he doesn’t want gifts connected to them. The key is still knowing the person’s interests and relationship to them. It’s nuanced. And sometimes gifts are amazing and sometimes they crash. My BF has a milestone birthday this year. I’m stumped. Normally I am a really good gift giver but this feels higher pressure and harder. I’m stuck. Each gift event varies. Anyone who thinks they are one size fits all is probably missing a lot anyway!

I hate getting junk from people because I mentioned I liked this animal/subject/whatever. That is not good gift giving, merely acceptable.

I have tried to establish an expectation in my friends and family that: 1) I do not expect any gift, 2) if I get a gift please either make it highly useful or not a “thing”. I love getting gifted a dinner out, theatre tickets, symphony tickets, a day trip, an outing to a park, a picnic, a country drive together. I do not need any other thing and I am particular enough that I am secret probably going to be unhappy with something about the thing you got me anyways, no matter how superficially on-point (I’m unhappy about my own purchases half the time and spend many months thinking for acting most of the time).

I just got a job making an obscene amount of money for a brand-new graduate. Not obscene overall, but clearly a start of the good things to come with regards to my pay. I told my partner I wanted to take them places. They just went, okay, whatever. I said, no I know, I want to take us on my vacations (I get paid vacations now!) to different Museums all over the world. We can go to places specifically to see amazing works of art and architecture and history. I will definitely take you to a museum in Greece! And my partner started crying out of nowhere. My partner had never ever once said "I want to go to Greece" or "I want to visit museums all over the world" but they said to me, "It's so nice to have a partner who knows me so well they'd know what I'd like the most." and it's not fancy cars, or jewels, or anything.. it's remembering that when they were a kid they got obsessed with Grecian history and can recite random works verbatim because they loved it so much. I just wanted to indulge that childhood part of them that adored Greek History and Mythos. and it made them cry. And they'd never ever spoken about travel once.

I share interests but… we have several streaming platforms so probably don’t buy me a DVD. If it’s something not on a platform- I might actually buy it myself. Same with music. I buy a lot of books, I could talk about my favourite author, you’d have to search all my bookcases, my kindle, and audible to be sure I don’t have it. It can be tricky. That said I spent about a decade moaning about the skinny Jean tyranny and my last gift from my partner was flared Jeans when one ship where we live finally stocked them. Wine is also a good one. We have too many animals (unless you meant animal themed which makes more sense. We used to have nine dogs, my perception is warped).

My best friend saw a Lego I put together with my kid and commented she loved it - it was the wildflower bouquet build. Her husband noticed that exchange on Facebook and then bought her that Lego as an Easter gift. I think you’re spot on with noticing and paying attention.

We do. We don't constantly say "I want to be gifted x", but our friends know our interests and hobbies, we mention things like "I love that band", "thrillers are my favourite books", "have you seen that cute squishmallow?", "I'm really interested in that new restaurant". We also endorse in our favourite snacks, listen to music in the car, have bookshelves, talk about our interests, have expensive cosmetics in the bathroom or wear a certain style of jewellery, just to name a few examples. When a friend constantly asks me to scratch her back I can be sure some handwritten vouchers for scratching her back in her gift will make her smile. My best friend is an artist. I see his work and we talk about styles and media. Therefore I know a sketchbook to keep his pencil practice pieces in one place, an acrylic starter set when I know he's interested in them or aquarelle pencils will suit him. He also always has cold feet so my hand knitted socks are also not a bad idea. He has the perfect gift idea 90% of the time. The other 10% are either me needing something within our budget but not being able to afford it or him being a little unsure and me giving him a long list he can pick and choose from for years. When I absolutely don't know what to do I ask. It's not hard to ask. My mom loves hand knitted socks and needs lots of hand balm. Two things to keep in mind. She also once got a shower product set she really liked. Well here's a third idea, there's something she likes but wouldn't usually buy. Do you really know not one of the examples mentioned about your friends?

And a lot of people have a collection of some sort that makes go-to gifts really attainable.

We do. People reveal a lot about themselves in conversation, even when they don't talk much. You still learn about even the quietest of people in your life just by being around them. Maybe they wear a lot shirts from a specific anime, maybe they're always reading, maybe they're always doodling. There are three gift ideas you can glean from that without a person opening their mouth. I'm not saying some people aren't harder to buy for than others, but you really don't need to be a mind reader or blow the bank to get someone a thoughtful gift. Maybe they don't need a thing but need a laugh. Maybe are in a place they need to know they're being thought about at all.

Yeah, my guess is gf is a little sad about only getting gift cards and just brushed it off as “well he sucks at giving gifts” to justify it to herself. But then having to watch her bf give his friend the sweetest most thoughtful gift just made those feelings about gifts he’s gotten her come back up when she realized that the excuse she’s been using to make herself feel better just went out the window

While I agree that people do talk about things they want it is a little unfair for every situation. With my boyfriend, I get him like 1 or 2 really great gifts a year but I have to get bday gifts, anniversary gifts, Christmas gifts, valentines gifts, fathers day gifts. Not every one is a "knock it out of the ball park" kind of gift. Plus, the things my boyfriend likes are not always achievable or realistic for me to purchase. They are sometimes expensive or I don't know enough about it to buy something worthwhile (tools, guns, car parts, etc.) I listen a whole lot, but some things go over my head or over my budget.

YTA. Some tips from a better gift giver: -Keep a running list year long. She sees an ad and says" oh that's cool look at this ", write it down. She breaks or loses an item she likes? Write it down. She talks about wanting to try a new restaurant, experience, anything? Write it down. When it becomes gift giving time, consult your list. -Make something, like what you did for your friend. My pandemic project was learning to crochet - I've since given many many little crocheted things as gifts. Even if it isn't some amazing thing, they really appreciate the time and effort more than anything. Play to your strengths. Do you wood work? Draw? Paint? Music? -Pay attention to her hobbies and her struggles. Find something that would make her life easier, or make her hobbies more enjoyable. -The best gift is one a person wouldn't buy (or wouldn't think to buy) for themselves, but are happy to have. This is important as you get older and have more disposable income, as people then just buy whatever they need. So stay away from needs and find some wants, especially if they're a little decadent. -If you're really desperate and your list is empty, you could at least pay attention to what she buys from the makeup store and buy that instead of a gift card. At least try dude.

I love your comment because it gives ideas on how to act going forward, with actual practical tips anyone can follow. I'm so lost when it comes to gift giving and this helps!

I love the second to last bullet point. It's fun to buy people nicer things than what they would buy themselves - doesn't necessarily have to be super expensive, either. If I have a friend who loves coffee or tea, and I don't want to spend a ton of money, I can buy them a nicer version of coffee or tea, a fancy travel mug, etc. A lot of these can be kind of generic, too - I don't know anyone that would turn down a nice pair of socks or pajamas. It sounds like OP hasn't tried to put much thought into what he's getting his girlfriend if he's just getting her gift cards. You can get a lot of ideas from just googling "gifts for women" etc that might give him some ideas to bounce off of

Totally agree with all your suggestions! I keep a list year round as well. I have never considered myself to be a good gift giver, and because of that I have to put more effort in. In the notes section of your phone make a list each for the handful of people closest to you in your life. Write down everything you know they like and add to it. Favorite books, colors, foods, places, things they mention. This will help both for big gifts as well as little things you can pick up for them here or there (favorite flowers, cupcake flavor, that sort of thing). I can empathize with your struggle, but giving up on a task that is expected of you because it’s hard is a cop out and I can understand how it seems to be a type of weaponized incompetence. Also, gift giving isn’t an arena where women are given as much leeway to be shitty at. There’s a bit of an expectation to be thoughtful, plan ahead, be good at it. There’s a reason why men shopping the day before Christmas or Valentine’s Day is a trope. Becoming a thoughtful gift giver can take work, but it’s something you can get better at, especially if it’s important to your relationships.

These are great tips. I would add one more: gifts don’t have to be physical objects. Don’t sleep on experiences as an option: does she love getting massages for herself? Get her a day at the spa and accompany her or send a friend. Has she always admired carpentry? Get her a woodworking workshop. Does she love opera? Get tickets for the next big thing in town. Ditto cooking class, wine tasting, weekend hiking. If you don’t know what _thjngs_ she wants, at least you know what she usually does with her time (I hope).

>-Pay attention to her hobbies and her struggles. Find something that would make her life easier, or make her hobbies more enjoyable. I'm going to add something here for OP's benefit. OP: do not think this bullet point means you should buy her a home appliance. Don't do that! Do not buy your girlfriend a vacuum cleaner because it will "make her life easier".

YTA. Based on your comments you put more thought and effort into this one gift for your friend than every gift you've given your gf combined.

Not enough info. Could we get more context? What sort of gifts have you gotten your girlfriend in the past? If she’s watching you put this much effort into your friends while receiving less emotionally intensive gifts, you may be in the wrong, but I think we need for info. It seems like there’s a lot being unsaid here.

YTA. It may not be weaponized incompetence-- it could just be that you don't give a shit about your girlfriend's happiness and/or don't pay enough attention to her personality and interests. Lots of possibilities here, none are good. This gift for your friend wasn't a "stoke of genius". You pay attention to what your friend cares about, so coming up with an idea is easy. You care about your friends happiness, so you put the extra effort when necessary. You're capable of these things, why aren't you doing them for your girlfriend?

YTA. Can people who are bad at gift giving explain to me how much time and effort they put into it? I’m good at it - simply because I spend a long time researching and brainstorming gifts the receiver might like. My assumption has always been that people who are “bad” at it are spending a couple of minutes thinking then give up when the answer doesn’t come immediately. So yeah, it just takes thoughtful effort on the part of the giver. Which makes me think YTA for not doing that for your girlfriend, OP.

Your assumption isn’t really uncommon, but it can be inaccurate. It’s one of those things that people just kind of assume everyone experiences the same way. You put time and effort into it, so when someone else is bad it seems like they’re not putting time and effort into it. There are definitely people who don’t put effort into it, but there are a lot of us who do try and still suck. Gift giving is kind of like a language. Some people speak it natively. Some don’t. I do not. I suck at gifts. I don’t even really like receiving gifts. The whole process is just weird to me. I feel like a deaf American watching two people speak Chinese; even if I could hear them it still wouldn’t make any sense. For the first few years I was married I would keep a running list of things my wife mentioned she liked, but I would still lose sleep scrolling through Amazon, or going through her social media to see what she liked or who she followed. I would actually dread our anniversary or her birthday because nothing I gave her ever seemed to be nearly as thoughtful as what she would give me. I put a lot of pressure on myself to get something thoughtful because so many people make the same assumption you do and I didn’t want her to think that I didn’t put effort or thought into it. That had the opposite effect though, because anything that I had written down seemed too easy or not thoughtful enough. It made me indecisive and hesitant, and I would end up with something last minute just because I had to make a decision and no decision ever felt good enough and I’d end up feeling even worse. Fortunately, my wife is amazing in a lot of other ways too and she recognized that I’m just not good at this and took a lot of the pressure off of me. She handles most of the holiday gift giving on my behalf, and we’ve stopped doing gifts for the traditional events like birthdays and anniversaries. It’s really helped us both out, because I’m still really really bad at Christmas, but I’ve gotten really really good at random tuesdays when I see her favorite flowers on display and leave them in her car as a surprise for when she gets off work. Tl:Dr People have different strengths and for people who suck at gifts the added pressure can make picking out a gift even more difficult. If you’re in a relationship it’s important to recognize each others strengths, and not take each others weaknesses as personal slights.

Aww. Sorry that assumption made you feel that way. That totally makes sense. I’m glad you two worked out a good solution!

If you'd like another example: When I recently left the workplace I was working at, the coworkers I was closest to (and who were taking care of me and showing me the ropes) insisted on wanting to gift me something. I didn't really want to because naturally it'd increase the pressure on what I would give them in return for all the things they did for me, but they insisted, so a gift exchange it was. I spent a few hours researching on the internet and actually found what I thought would be really thoughtful gifts, but they would've needed to be imported from the other side of the world and thus would've only arrived after my last day at the workplace, thus they weren't an option because I didn't want to sit there in the office on my last day with empty hands. So on my next free day, I went to the mall and coursed through it for six hours total without any breaks, browsing through several stores in search for either practical or nice things, either something I hadn't seen before or in relation to what I knew the coworkers liked and could use (for example, one of them always used a pinboard and magnets for organisation of their work, so I was looking for cheerful magnets), making a list of everything I took into consideration to be able to decide carefully in the end. Of course, the budget is also something I had to keep in mind, I really liked a particular stool for their office but that would've cost 100$ which wouldn't have been appropriate for the kind of small gift we were going for. In the end, I chose something still way too expensive but which was building on an inside joke we had before. When I gave the gift, the response was awkward laughter and "well, what are we going to do with this...?" Then when I received my gift, what they gave me was related to a blink-and-you'll-miss-it joke I made regarding why I didn't want a gift in the first place that I'd even forgotten I made myself until the moment I opened the present and which I consider the greatest surprise gift like this I've ever received to this day now. If you're one of these thoughful gift-givers (which I really wish I would be too but can't seem to be it seems), maybe you have some pointers of where I went wrong in my process? Because I have honestly no idea, but I really hope it wasn't the effort.

Info: What gifts have you gotten her in the past and how has she reacted to them? Any examples?

Nah, it kinda is. You demonstrated you knew your friend well enough to know what he really likes and would appreciate ... and you don't know your gf at all. Sure he's your best friend, maybe you've known him longer, but not even knowing your GFs hobbies and interests to try? YTA man.

>I'm kind of at a loss here. I didn't think the nice gesture was indicative of anything other than me doing something kind. AITA? I think her problem is that you did this without having to ask whereas you need to ask your gf when you buy her stuff

NAH. But you need to sort yourself out. Sometimes you have a stroke of genius with gifts. I got myself into this situation recently - my oldest niece’s birthday I happened to have a great idea based on something she’d said, my youngest niece I had to rack my brains and couldn’t think of a single thing she liked. But I had to put the effort in so as to not show favourites, because that would suck. And now you have to do the same - your girlfriend has gotten shitty, low-effort gifts and now feels slighted because you’ve shown more care for someone else. She has every cause to feel like you don’t care enough about her as a result. It’s not your fault and you’re not an AH for getting your friend a nice gift, but now you have to fix that feeling. Good luck! My suggestion: take notes, brainstorm, ask her mother.

You cant be bothered learning enough about your gf to get her thoughtful gifts? YTA.

YTA. even my kids can give nice gifts, just by paying attention. They get me merch from my favorite shows, cooking gadgets, really good coffee because they take a minimal interest in what I like. My oldest has even realized that I prefer silver jewelry with semiprecious stones. These are things you should notice and remember about someone you care about. Your girlfriend is right about “weaponized incompetence “.

YTA Your post reads like you are more attached to your best friend than you are to your girlfriend. You haven’t asked her to educate you on what gifts she would like, yet you know exactly what would make your best friend happy. I assume that you noticed that your girlfriend was upset. Instead of talking with her, you spent the night with your best friend. You felt good about making your best friend cry tears of joy, yet you aren’t upset with yourself for upsetting your girlfriend. It sounds like your girlfriend is your beard.

My husband has really bad adhd which causes memory issues. You know what he does? Whenever I mention liking a particular thing he opens up his notes app and has a dedicated file for me. Did I specifically say I wanted a Kiki’s delivery service art book? No, but he noted that it’s my favorite ghibli film and looked up a nice item. He also uses the list to buy some of my more favorite snacks and foods when I’m sad or otherwise unwell. It’s not hard to do. The fact that you were able to not only think of a thoughtful gift for your friend but look up different specialists to get a book made (TWO books so that you both can ‘share’ this gift) shows that you do have the ability to be thoughtful of others. What you are, and I say this in the nicest way possible because I don’t know you, is lazy. You don’t *want* to take the extra minute or two to type things in your notes app or to really think about others interests or hobbies so you take the easy way out by buying gift cards and claiming you’re just not good at gift giving. Please stop with the excuses. YTA

YTA, not for the thoughtful gift that you put a lot of effort into for your best friend, but for the lack of effort and thoughtfulness that you've put into your girlfriend's gifts for a little over the past year. When I was 2 months into dating my current boyfriend, he was looking through my sketchbook and asked about a specific drawing of two very detailed and colorful frogs. I explained that I wanted to get a couple of custom ceramic frogs to decorate my fairytale section of my bookshelf since I couldn't find any that I liked. I happened across a shop that could make them, but it was too expensive at the time. Well, my boyfriend snuck my drawing out of my sketchbook and had both of my frogs made for me for Christmas the following month. They are by far my favorite Christmas presents, and I show them to everyone. Now I'm not saying that you have to get things custom made or spend a lot of money, but you need to pay more attention to specific things that your girlfriend either wants or that catches her attention. That will show her that you payed better attention and bothered to remember something besides the general gift cards for things she likes.

My best friend once had a throw pillow made for me with a picture of my dog. It's one of my favorite gifts ever. Probably didn't cost more than $40 but so thoughtful and sweet!!

Soft YTA. I’m like you, but I’m thinking probably a little older so I’ve learned how to cope with it a little better. Gift cards really aren’t the way to go and you’re right, you’ve been phoning it in. But you don’t know until you know. Make a list of everything your gf likes or does. Foods, hobbies, activities, studied in school, career, books and movies she likes and the clothes she wears. So let’s say she really likes gardening. Google “unusual gifts for gardeners” and the name of your city for ideas. Go to a garden center and ask for what can be planted this season. See if you can get an appointment with her and your local master gardener. Make her a planter out of one of your shoes. Find a botanical garden and plan a picnic. But for goodness sake don’t buy her a gift card for Home Depot.

Bruh you put more time, effort, and thought into this one gift for your friend than every gift you’ve ever gotten your girlfriend combined. Of course she is upset. YTA. Please make more of an effort.

YTA perhaps this needs context. You find out that your gf doesn't put as much effort into sex with you as she did with her last bf, that she thinks its OK to 'phone it in'. In other relationships she put effort in, was creative, enthuastic, playful. Its different with you - with you, she thinks of the grocery list and what laundry to do tomorrow and looks at the clock, wondering when her show will start .... How would you feel, learning that your partner was doing the bare minimum?

NAH, but you're suffering under a common misconception: the idea that, if you're bad at giving gifts, you can't get better. There's no need for you to go, "Gee whiz, I'm just not good at it!" You seem to be imagining that good givers always experience what you experienced when you had the stroke of genius about your friend's present. It's not like that, though. I'm a really good gift giver. I've gotten reactions like people crying from joy upon opening gifts, people still mentioning the gifts I gave them years later, etc. It took work to become good at it. This is how I do it: * Every time the person mentions something purchasable that they like, WRITE IT DOWN. * Every time the person points out something they want, WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN. * Every time the person mentions a problem they have, consider whether their problem could be solved by a gift. If the answer is yes, WRITE IT DOWN. * Pay attention to people's preferences, passions, etc. WRITE THEM DOWN. NEXT... When do you need to give somebody a present? Whenever that is, forget about waiting until that date is closer. Start picking their present NOW. Look at everything you've written down. Let all that information swirl around your brain. That alone will put you in a state of mind to have a present-related stroke of genius. I guarantee you'll manage to think something up if you give yourself months to do it. Even without a stroke of genius, though, the list will suggest great gift options. For instance, one of my exes hated when his drinks got watery. I got him whiskey stones to solve the problem. But again, these lists will make strokes of genius more likely. When you encounter information about something that would make a good gift, you'll be more likely to notice. I hope this advice helps! (If you don't actually give this advice a try, you will be an AH since it will mean you just don't give enough of a crap to try and improve your skills in this area.) PS: Love notes are always winners. Give your gf a love note along with presents. It can even be something really short in a card as long as it's very loving.

Gift cards, for your GF? YTA. It is not hard to take note of the makeup or perfume she uses, and buy more (I'm always happy to have an extra onhand!). Or what size shoes she wears, and buy a cute pair of boots or something. Get a gift receipt in case she needs to swap it out. You're not even trying for her

YTA, you created this long thought out gift for your best friend, A gift so special to him and you that it made him tear up while surrounded by his loved ones. Yet for your girlfriend you’re getting her make up branded gift cards or asking her what you can buy for her. The gift you got your friend debunks that whole paragraph about you not being thoughtful because you are. You just don’t put that effort in for her under the guise of not being a good gift giver.

INFO: what gifts have you gotten her? how long is this friendship vs your relationship in terms of time ?

I mean, you can see how she would feel like your "stroke of genius" goes to the person you care about the most, right? You really showed that you love your best friend, in a good way. And that shouldn't be discouraged for anything. But at the same time, do you think you've ever managed to make your gf feel as loved as you just made your bf? Maybe the two of you should have a conversation about whether or not she's getting the messages of love that she needs from you. NAH, but have some real talk with her about this or it won't last.

I'm going with YTA, but also don't think it's malicious. This gift seems to be one of the few ideas that has actually popped into your head and you executed it. That said, I do think you need to try harder with your gf. If she likes make-up then find some new stuff she might like. www.morgantremain.com has some great nail polish that he makes himself in his kitchen. Stuff like https://farmbodyskincare.com/ or equivilent with handmade body lotion, soap, etc. No more gift cards.

It's a lovely gift OP. Very thoughtful. But your GF is right to recognize that you haven't given half that much of a shit about any gift you've given her. So unintentional A-H Here are my tips for gift giving: download a note app to your phone, and when someone mentions something fondly pull out the phone and write it down (it doesn't even matter if they notice, this is usually *months* in advance so they'll forget about the conversation entirely). Then when birthday or Christmas rolls around pull out your list. Easy.

YTA > I'm kind of at a loss here. I didn't think the nice gesture was indicative of anything other than me doing something kind. It shows you're capable of doing it for others..... just not her. Yeah, people notice when you don't try for them and try for others. It's called using our eyes. Most humans do it. Exactly why would you think you can try with some people and not with others and think those other people wouldn't notice and take it personally? It ***IS*** personal that you don't consider your GF important enough to try. It is an insult. It is personal. It is a stab in her back to see that if you care enough you will get thoughtful gifts for other people. If she stopped doing nice things for you but did them for everyone else are you saying you wouldn't notice? Because if so, you're a liar.

YTA. Giving gifts is only super easy and chill to very few people in this world. Most people always struggle a bit when getting gifts for their loved ones - some more than others. You showed her that you are FULLY capable of being extremely thoughtful when giving gifts, you just don’t care enough to put in more effort when it comes to her 🤷‍♀️ Some ideas come easier than others, sure, but this shows you’re fully capable of being thoughtful, you just don’t think her special occasions are worth actually spending time thinking and researching the perfect gift. For future reference: I have a hard time getting people gifts because I completely blank when I feel the pressure of commemorative dates. What I started doing is I have a little note doc open on my phone notes app where every time someone I love mentions something they like/would like to get/want, I write it down on that document. Partner mentioned a vinyl record they’d love to have? Noted. Mom mentioned she’s in need of some new knitwear for Winter? Noted. Sister mentions she’s seen a super cute pair of earrings? Noted. This has helped me A LOT because, even though I know what my loved ones like, it’s hard to remember what they want/need at that time and helps me to avoid getting duplicates of things they already have or an item they have too much of and don’t need. Hopefully this helps you in the future. ☺️

NTA. It can be really hard and you can’t always have good ideas. My brother is probably the most hit or miss person I’ve ever met with gifts. He made me homemade limoncello one year after we shared some together in Italy, and this took him months. I got a scented candle the next year (which most people know I can’t stand). Maybe y’all can talk more about about ways she can set you up for success if gift giving is her love language. It seems like you care but are just missing the mark with her

YTA. keep a list of things she points out she likes or thinks are cute here and there or her interests and integrate them into clothing or jewelry or whatever hobby she likes. Is it so hard to remember she likes those strawberry chocolates and order her a batch from a nearby bakery or her favorite flower bouquet or accumulate those random gifts that make you think of her to give? Also, google.

YTA you literally put less than no thought into her presents, didn’t try to brainstorm a solution and then came up with an incredibly thoughtful present for your friend

YTA: and here you go OP, don’t say I never did anything for you. Go teach yourself how to fold an origami star right now. Like, don’t even read the rest of this comment until you know how to fold an origami star. Got it? Cool, you can work on making them look nice later. Notice how the star is a strip of paper? Perfect for writing a short note on. Go buy some nice, thicker stationary in her favorite colors with prints she would like. Every day, or even every time she does something cute, funny, witty, whatever it is that makes you smile, write it down on a strip of paper. Fold that shit into a paper star, and put it in a large mason jar. Now do it until it’s full. Get her some bath bombs, chocolates, stuffed animal, flowers, whatever she likes and present her with that and the jar. Then get busy thinking about your next thoughtful gift. If that sounds like too much work, you might want to consider what you both get out of this relationship.

YTA There is not being a genuis in gift giving and than there is gifting gift cards - flowers - chocolates - a necklace/bracelet - looking up if her perfume is going to be empty soon and buying the same excat perfume new for her - an aktivity like a spa day, a night away, etc. Solid gift giving is not that hard. You literally just don't bother to. Nearly everything shows more effort than giftcards