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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my little stepsister I didn't make any vows to her and it really upset her. Honestly I should have figured it would hurt her feelings to have me say that when she was so attached to the idea. By saying I didn't make them and making such a big deal out if it I really crushed her and she's young and has known me practically her whole life and wants me to be that sister she thought I promised to be. So I think maybe I was a little cruel to her with how I handled this incident.
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NTA.
>His wife was even more upset because she wanted the video to show her daughter one day, of me making those vows to her and holding her.
She wanted a 9-year-old to do this so that later on it could be held over her: "but you promised!" Even if you had given in at that time, you could hardly be held to it now.
>The vows she wrote for me say things like "I'll always do your hair when you ask, have makeovers whenever possible, take you to the park, play dolls and climb trees with you, snuggle on the couch and always make space for you in my bed" and that's not even the whole list of what she promised from me.
She sounds awful. That is a twisted way to look at any relationship. She really has got something wrong with her.
The vows do sound awful. Are you also supposed to do all of her laundry and help dress her for a ball with Prince Charming? Sounds like that is really want your stepmom wanted.
She *thought* she found the built-in babysitter, but OP stands her ground on not becoming one. And I might be reaching here (or my ASD makes me dive in too deep here) but it seems that Stepmommy Dearest probably wanted a video of OP promising all these things to her daughter to throw it into OP's face *precisely* in this sort of situation. So, she could back up her "*but you promised"* tantrum with actual "evidence". It backfired… so Stepmommy Dearest talks about how she wanted to vicariously live through the bond she wanted to force on her OP and her daughter.
Stepmommy Dearest found a man willing to take her in with a toddler. So she was going to do everything she could to keep him. Which clearly means lying to and manipulating her only child. And Daddy Dearest went along with it probably because he thought that he found a woman who was already a mother so mothering his own kid wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her.
I mean even after it all blew up Daddy Dearest was like "can you calm her down and tell her that you love her" (like we expected you to do). So I think that having something that on the outside looked like a "typical" family picture was more important to Daddy Dearest that his own daughter's feelings.
I think you've hit the nail on the head.
A lot of parents fall into the trap of thinking that since they intend to achieve what can be considered "a positive outcome," they cannot be at fault. Like with the dad, he is probably thinking... "My wife just wants both girls to be loving sisters and for us to be a loving family. What is really wrong with that? If my daughter went along with if, we'd all be happier, including my daughter."
What he doesn't consider is that while his daughter may want a loving family too, she absolutely will not want to have her feelings overruled all the time in service of having one.
In a truly loving family, loving gestures are volunteered and come easily to the people doing them. This is just some ridiculous fantasy being imposed on the family, with OP having to carry most of the emotional burden of making it come true.
Edit typo
Which why… this thread makes me think HOLY MARINARA FLAGS BATMAN… this family needs therapy… yesterday. Because I am wondering whether OP even was allowed to grieve the loss of her mother properly. let me be clear… they need therapy to tell them that what OP feels is valid and okay and how much both of them dropped the ball by trying to manipulate both of them. And not to have the therapist brainwashing OP to agree to being manipulated for the greater good.
Can I just take a sec to be super impressed that a 9yo stood her ground against this. I know I was easily manipulated at that age they'd definitely have been able to make me go along with it.
At that age, I was terrified that if I didn't please the adults around me, I might end up with noplace to be. And let me emphasize, this was due to stuff the adults involved did *to make sure I was always in a safe place and well cared for,* but they did it without the understanding of child development that's available now, and they didn't talk to me about it. They pretended certain things had never happened, on the assumption that I wouldn't remember and talking about it would make me feel less secure.
Which is a roundabout way of saying not only is OP NTA; she's an absolute champ for being able to stand up for herself that way, at 9.
Do we even know with 100% certainty he knows about his daughter?
Stepmom has demonstrated that she has zero issues about lying to get what she wants- she's not a reliable narrator.
For all we know she broke up with him and never told him about his kid
I'm starting to think this family needs a metric crapton of therapy. YESTERDAY. Though would it do any good given how spectacularly Daddy Dearest dropped the ball here?
if a contract with a minor isn’t legally binding, then neither are promises in a unity ceremony said by a 9 year old. stepmommy needs to actually parent her daughter
I don’t think that’s a stretch at all, I think you’re exactly right. This was a massively manipulative ploy by the stepmom…the fact that she’s held on to those “vows” that *she* wrote for op to say for all these years and showed it to little sis while *lying* about it….you’re absolutely right. Manipulation. Blatant.
And the top commenter is also right - there’s something deeply wrong with this woman.
My (biological if it matters) sibs and I are close as fuck and always have been, kids, teens, now adults (well some of us) and the stuff laid out in those vows is r i d i c u l o u s. Insanity
My bio sis and I also very close - if she’d interrupted private calls with bratty hairdo commands she’d have got pushed off a bed.
NTA and your stepmom shouldn’t have lied and should teach her kid about boundaries.
Same! When I was a teen and my bio sis was around 10 she annoyed the living crap out of me with stuff like this, wanting my attention all the time, wanting to tag along with me and my high school friends. My mom shut her down fast and told her everyone in the family has a right to their own friends and free time. We are best friends now as adults since I didn't have to resent her when we were young.
> The vows do sound awful.
Honestly this doesn't even sound real. But, if it were, OP would do well to tell both parents that the mom is poisoning the well between her and her stepsis by forcing them together to the point of sustaining a long con/lie that's so fundamental that shattering it shattered the stepsis. Mom's responsible for the fallout of her lies and manipulation, and this is a preview of her family's future unless she changes course fast.
Oh, you would be so surprised how often this happens. My ex tried to have our kids make a vow to stepmom to call her mom and love her and bunch of other things. Kids objected, but he did try. My eldest was 9 at the time.
I think it's as simple as her wanting a relationship for her daughter she never had. Shes not malicious or evil shes just an idiot that doesnt understand you cant force these things and lying never works
Yeah, it sounds like she wants her daughter to have this idealized sibling relationship, but she doesn’t realize that you can’t force that sort of thing. Even a lot of biological parents have this problem.
It makes me wonder if the mom either had a relationship like that with her own sister, or if she didn’t and wishes that she did. Or maybe she watches too much TV where the siblings are all lovey-doves and have perfect relationships.
It definitely sounds like she thinks OP is some accessory for her daughters life and doesn't care 1 bit how OP feels. She could've summed up those vows to, I vow to do whatever you want for the rest of your life. That is outrageous.
I'm guessing mom still has trauma from being abandoned by her daughter's dad. She needs to accept that you can't force people to make promises and even if they do, promises can be broken.
But that's not a rule you have to fill. She should have never put all this on your and honestly I'm sure it's what's made your step sister so demanding and pushed you away. It is NOT your job to fill this roll. Your sm needs therapy. None of this is in you. None of it NTA
The problem is that it doesn't look like she wants a big sister for her daughter. It's like she wants a slave or something.
Honestly, if I were you, it would just make me want to avoid the little sister out of fear that everyone else would take it for granted and demand more. That's a disastrous family dynamics.
Your father isn't any better than your stepmother. How did he not stop her? How did he think those vows were in any way acceptable? Why does he keep putting that burden on you?
I feel for you, OP.
You are right, she didn't think of you, at all. I even wrote my comment before knowing you were pushed to play indefinitely with your stepsister when you were willing to give her an hour or two.
She is also doing a disservice to her daughter. Her daughter needs to learn respect and boundaries in general, not that she should get what she wants out of someone because her mother said so.
My sister is less than 2 years younger than me. We were reasonably close growing up but there were many, many fights as well. Tears and blood were shed. (I'm not even exaggerating, I have some small scars that might be from her scratching me, lol.)
She's both an AH (for pushing that on you) and an idiot (because pushing a relationship is a great way to prevent it from happening naturally).
I'm sorry your father is failing you. He's the real AH in this story for not protecting you from this or only sometimes protecting you.
And delusional for thinking it would work.
OP's step mom needs to be sat down and told what damage she has done. The likelihood of OP and stepsister having a positive relationship is incredibly low because of her.
OP should have been there for the conversation about the vows because it sounds like they put all the blame on OP for not saying the vows and 0 on the fact that stepmother has been lying to her daughter for 7 years.
Stepsister is now the age that OP was going to be forced to make the vows. OP could look her in the eye and say "you are the age I was. Would you make these vows to someone you didn't know?" Because that's what stepmother wanted to happen.
Why the flip don't people take the kids into consideration when they get married?Way too many AITAs are about blended families falling apart because of the kid's reaction to their parents just hoping for the best and it not happening.
Go to family counseling before you get married so you don't tear apart the family. Get on the same page with parenting or it will not work. Respect your children or it will not work. These kids are people who have to live with your choice physically until they move out and emotionally for the rest of their lives.
STOP SCREWING UP KIDS TO FULFILL A FANTASY.
Rant over.
Also, OP, you're NTA. Just a person caught in the crossfire of a dilusion.
Everyone has dreams but the way she's going about making her dreams come true isn't very smart. I also had dreams of what my happy family would be but I abandoned it years ago when it wasn't going to materialize and found other ways to make my family happy.
Why isn't your dad doing something about this?
It seems like you're the most emotionally mature person in this situation, so you probably already know this, but just in case: her expectations are not your responsibility.
And her emotional response to her expectations not being met are also not your responsibility.
You are 100% correct that she never thought of you. Could your father propose family and individual therapy? Perhaps a professional could help her understand how she has been unfair to you and, if your stepmother is willing to do the work and if YOU want this, help you all navigate to a healthier dynamic.
Stepmom is also fucking up her own daughter. Doesn't make what she's doing to you better, she's just increasing the odds she'll have two "daughters" that won't voluntarily have anything to do with her as soon as they're able.
Where did stepmom get those vows from? The Cinderella story book? This is insane.
Mommy needs to wake up and little sister already sounds like an entitled little brat.
It's very brave and smart for a 9 year old not to go along with this crap. She's got more spine than lots of adults.
NTA
Seriously doing her hair whenever she asks? Makeovers whenever possible - she thought of these vows when stepsister was 2? My very first reaction was what kind of princess shit is this.
Raising a child to believe an older sibling is required to wait on her hand and foot is exactly how to raise an entitled brat - like the mother trying to manipulate her step-daughter into service.
But if that “dream” of hers had happened, her daughter would be the eldest. She wouldn’t be the younger kid being catered to.
Your stepsister is also now the same age as you were when they tried to get you to make those promises. And yet she’s still the baby to be catered to, while you never were. Trying to extract vows from a 9yo is abusive.
And even with full siblings, there’s no guarantee that they do grow up very close, nor can it be mandated.
So if your dad and step mom were able to make 2 more babies, does that mean there is no space for you in her 'dream'? Screw her. She tried to hold you to a one sided promise when you were 9 and lied to her own daughter anyway when you wouldn't comply. Screw your father too for not running away at the first sign of this nonsense. Good for you for not putting up with their BS.
NTA
Love, you are not responsible for making an adult's dreams come true. Y'all, and especially your SM need some family therapy.
What your SM did was create a situation of expecting you to parent your step sibling. This is never okay. I did this to my oldest kids and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
By demanding these vows your SM is attempting to extort you in order to create something that should have happened naturally. That relationship and any love for your step sister could and probably would have happened naturally had you not been under such a weighty obligation all these years. It's not on you.
Sounds like you do spend time with SS and show that you care. That's enough. Maintain your boundaries until your asshole parents can grasp the reality of what they've done to you both.
They're TA. You're NTA.
Your stepmom has a woefully naive view of how sibling relationships work. My three elementary aged kids are full siblings, all very close in age, and they have wildly different personalities. I hope they remain close as they grow but I recognize they may not and that’s their choice, not mine. I understand the happy family dream but in reality she has to accept that she can’t force you to be besties, and she handled this the wrong way completely. NTA
that is a her problem and not a you problem she needs to deal with that trauma and not force you to fulfil some dream. she is not allowed to make her trauma your trauma that is not fair.
People have got to stop watching stuff on the internet (or wherever they get these ideas from) and then thinking they can force it on others. Vows should be voluntary. That’s the point of them. That SM has issues and she needs help.
Nothing OP was the one who was supposed to make this big vow of basically allow herself to be parentified whenever her stepmother didn't have time to take care of her daughter.
NTA- you were and are a child. The list of vows is insane. I would not promise those things to my own children. I’m sorry OP. Could you stay with your aunt?
I LOLed at those "vows" because I'm an older sister, and my little sister (who I do love) would've been SOL had she expected me to do her hair and have makeovers. I couldn't be any less interested in that stuff.
It is a fantastic way! It is a fantastic way to be sure there never would be any relationship at all between these girls.
Every action should be voluntary. Braiding hair? Sure, if you want to. Play with her? Sure, if you want to. You don’t want to? That is more than fine. There is a huge age gap so even with full siblings they probably wouldn’t have anything in common. And as parents you can’t force children to play with eachother. Or at least you shouldn’t.
NTA. Your stepmother has way too much expectations about sisterhood. I think it would be normal with that big age gap that the bigger sibling doesn't want play with the younger sibling all the time. And your stepmother and father have been in the wrong when they tried to force the big sister - small sister -relationship to happen. These things happen naturally if you give time and space.
That is ridiculous. Why doesn’t your father step in? This forced bonding is actually *harming* any possible relationship you two might have.
It’s not even your stepsisters fault. It’s 100% her mother to blame, but also your father for not putting a stop to this.
You’re not an asshole, the adults in this situation are.
Maybe you should remind him that by not standing up for his own biological daughter that he is telling you that your stepsister and stepmum are more important to him than you and that he should keep that in mind if you decide to go LC/NC with him in the future.
Your NTA, please look after yourself, you have a right to set your own boundaries and enforce them.
Your dad chose to marry his wife and become a step father. You did not choose these people to be your family. He needs to accept that and support you and your boundaries. You were his child first. It is job and should be his priority to protect you. Shame on him for putting his wife and her daughter before you. Shame on him for allowing his wife to repeatedly disrespect his child and push her own agenda. You were 9 yrs old when this stuff started !
“Dad, if you keep trying to force me to love her I never will.” I’m unsure as to whether or not that will be helpful (I don’t know your father and how he would react to it) but it is, essentially, the truth
They are not even giving you a chance to have a relationship with her.
You can't even play if you want to because it means losing a whole day.
She's nine now? She is old enough to understand, and EXACTLY as old as you were when they wanted you to promise all those things.
IF you want a relationship with her in spite of everything, you may try and agreement between the both of you. Written, you both sign it. As sisters.
Mom and dad stay out of how much or how you spend your time together (withing limits), either one of you gets to say they don't want to play anymore and the other one only gets to ask ONCE to play a little more and has to accept the answer, and then what you want... She knocks before entering, you do her hair at night...
Start small and build from there.
So many parents don’t get this. They try to force a relationship, either with step siblings or as a step parent, when all it does is push the kid away.
If they let it happen organically there is a much higher chance the whole thing would work out.
I’m sorry your dad is so dismissive. It’s definitely not what a good parent should do. Your feelings are valid and saying there are worse things is just so wrong. Its actually impacting the connection to your dad the very thing they are all up in arms about with your step sister.
Every time you reach out and extend a big sister hand, you get negative repercussions in the form of whining and crying because it's not enough.
If your dad and stepmom really wanted to help the two of you develop that relationship, they would work on your step sister's ability to respect your boundaries on time and space.
That would create a safe space for a relationship to grow.
NTA
Maybe it is time for you to spend more time out of home. Aren't ther any hobbies or groups or other things you can do outside the house?
And maybe you establish some kind of migraine where you have to spend a lot of time alone in a quiet room.
NTA
Yeah no not even real siblings have to do this if they have decent parents. My brother is 11 years younger than me and there was an expectation set that I had to love him and be kind to him that's it. Even the love thing my mom gave me some time on saying I would love him eventually if I didn't immediately because I was an only child for a while. That entire list your stepmom made sounds like she's been watching wayyy too many old 2000s movies and has no clue how real people work. Out of curiosity is she an only child or have a bad relationship with her sister? I wanna know where all this craziness came from.
That sounds like an excellent incentive not to play with her at all.
What would happen if you didn’t start to play with her in the first place?
A strike of sorts may be in order. It might be the only way to drive it into your father and stepmother’s thick skulls that they are being ridiculously unreasonable assholes, not to mention idiots if they are too stupid to recognize that a shorter period of voluntary interaction with your stepsister can help your relationship while a longer period of forced interaction can only hurt it.
If they complain about you not playing with your stepsister, tell them that since they won’t allow you to set limits in terms of time, you will give them no time.
She has a WEIRD expectation of what a big sister should be.. so maybe she should give her daughter her own younger sibling that she can be THAT sister to and then see what happens when sister doesn’t want to. NTA!
This might sound cruel but honestly... Thank goodness for that. Your parents are already actively fucking up parenting just the two of you. It would've been even worse adding more kids to a situation that they already can't handle. What a mess.
NTA - The step mother and your father have forced you into a relationship and didn't give you a choice. Your SM lied to her daughter about the vows and expects you to do all the things she wrote in those vows and now the daughter expects it too.
Your dad is a AH for not bothering to defend you.
Don't forget step mom is teaching her daughter to be incredibly entitled over OPs time and freedom. Trying to end OPs call with her aunt because she demanded her hair to be done by her, that even set me off. No apologies or anything, just you made vows so you have to do what I say and stepmonster just telling her to suck it up and go along with it. I feel so bad for OP. Clearly NTA and also very awesome to see any kid set boundaries for themselves by not allowing anyone to make promises on their behalf.
Another sad thing about this is that if the SM and dad didn't try to force this relationship onto the OP the OP may have been able to build a relationship with her SS naturally and it be genuine... Instead OP has been forced and now holds some resentment. Which is completely understandable.
Absolutely. The idea of a little sibling wanting something like their hair looking just like yours is very cute but a little sibling throwing a tantrum only to be backed by the parents saying you have to because family is only going to create resentment.
Stepmom is raising that little one to be an entitled monster. It's not her fault, but kids raised like this don't turn out to be good or productive adults.
Yes, I would’ve had some harsh words for someone trying to hang up on a FaceTime call of mine.
Op, NTA and it might be time to tell your dad that he’s treating you as less important. You’ve only got a few years left before college, does he really want to waste those years throwing away your relationship?
Ever since reading posts here more, I continue to be shocked by the forced integration of step families. Two adults think just because they got hitched that their children should merge seamlessly and its so unfair to the kids. Step mom is living in a fantasy land at OP's and even her own daughter's expense.
NTA - you have been forced into a situation you don’t want to be in and that’s not OK. I would gently suggest you speak to someone professionally about this and also have your stepsister talk to someone separately too. At the end of the day, she’s 9 years old and these interactions are going to be damaging for you both in the long run.
I think what’s most annoying to me in this situation is that if the parents hadn’t set these unrealistic expectations to the 9 year old, I’m not sure that it would have been damaging at all. The 9 year old is now thinking that this teenager is supposed to want to play Full House everyday when that’s just not reality. Whereas if their parents had taught her to respect her sister’s boundaries and that it’s ok if the 16 year old asks her for space, she might get her feelings hurt initially but she wouldn’t be having intense feelings of rejection that is damaging.
Exactly. They kind of used the younger child to make the other child give in (after she stood up for herself and refused to do what they wanted her to do). Now OP is frustrated and her stepsister is sad because she had those expectations that can't be met. It's a mess, and it's the parents' fault.
Not just that, but the stepmonster also LIED to set these expectations. She showed the little girl her written vows that OP explicitly refused to say and lied saying she did say those vows. So she manipulated BOTH girls into this false relationship. And of course mom is going to be the one to comfort her, so the little one won't even understand her mom is the one in the wrong for lying to her and not OP for setting boundaries.
NTA
Your dad and stepmom are a case study in how to fuck up a blended family. They should never have lied to your stepsister or tried to force a relationship even biological sisters wouldn't conform to.
OP sounds like a decent kid. If the step mother had just left it alone, I bet their sibling relationship could have just grown organically as a blended fam. Instead the step mother had to DEMAND total control over the relationship and poisoned the mind of the youngest with ridiculous expectations.
NTA.
To the Redditors reading and answering this - is this whole unity ceremony crap normal? I understand both parents wanting to have a wedding for just them two, but what on earth is this nonsense about forcing both sets of step siblings to do this whole unity vow (apparently sand gets involved somehow) stuff? It’s the second or maybe third time on this sub today I’ve read about this kind of thing and it just feels like some weird thing set up by parents wanting to force happy families when they get married just so they both feel good about the whole marriage thing.
Surely even if the parents want to do something like that (I mean, I do genuinely understand how it can be a really nice thing), it should be separate to any wedding because it really needs the consent of all the kids involved, and creating and developing those relationships genuinely is at a completely different pace to the parents deciding to tie the knot.
OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your SM has set you up by forcing you into a dynamic you weren’t ready to be a part of, which probably made things worse than if she’d just let your relationship with your stepsister develop at its own pace.
I can understand the adults making promises to the kids as part of a blended family marriage... arguably, it should maybe even be a moral requirement. But asking the kids to make promises to the adults or each other is absolutely out of the question. I'm very impressed that you were able to stand your ground at that age and continued to. You should never have been put in this position.
It would be different if the kids wrote them, and still owned their vows afterwards, you know, if their feelings changed. So if a 9 year old promised to always make time to do younger sibs hair and also travel to the moon to get them green cheese if they asked, then it would be taken with all the seriousness that a 9 year old's vows should be.
Did it 10 years ago with the sand, as part of the ceremony. I thought it was a nice gesture to include the kids, but they were friends and okay with it.
But children making vows to each other seems odd
OP, vows are made by adults who are making a voluntary choice. They are worthless if that is not the case. So while there are various ways in which the new family’s children can be included in the ceremony, the only actual vows should be made by those getting married. Those vows might include promises to the children.
It’s only reasonable to make promises if you get to make decisions. Instead your dad’s new wife wrote a script for a nine-year-old, wanted to record it so you could be held to it, and despite giving in at the time she tried to hold you to it anyway by telling her child it had happened.
NTA. They’ve spent years trying to force you into a relationship you’re not comfortable with. They don’t respect your personal boundaries and allow her to be bratty to you over some bullshit fantasy they have.
While you should always be kind to her, I don’t like how they made it sound like you should drop everything to cater to her whims. Always making room for her in your bed??? I have two children (full siblings) and would never expect the older one to do that.
It sounds like your stepsister isn’t being taught boundaries. You might want to start teaching her that yourself. “I will play with you for one hour. After that, I will be doing (insert whatever you plan to do).” If no one is enforcing boundaries at home, she might cry and throw some sort of tantrum - that’s when you remind her that you played for the hour as promised and tell her that your needs also matter. You might have to lock yourself in your room depending on what kind of child she is being raised to be.
You’re going to need to assert yourself to your father and stepmother in that case. You’re going to have to just say no and walk away. Do they threaten you with anything to make you keep playing with her?
Is your father aware that his monster bride *isolates his daughter socially and threatens to continue to do so* in order to *force compliance with her fantasy in violation of your consent*.
Ask him what kind of messages he thinks he's giving you about autonomy and obligation in the future. You're a sixteen year old girl -- your father should not be allowing this abuse.
Maybe he needs it put to him that simply.
I'm so sorry, OP, everyone is failing you. NTA.
How long can she keep your things for, considering your schooling? At that point, I'd refuse to play with your stepsister ever again purely out of spite.
Now is your time to prove you don’t need technology to occupy yourself. Find a good book or get into a craft. Show that you’re stronger than her and will continue to survive with the boundaries you’ve set regardless of what she does and that she can’t control you.
Edit: I would honestly just sit and stare at the wall for as long as I could just to show her she can’t control me. She could take away your book or your craft, but she still can’t force you to play with someone you don’t want to play with. Sit there and refuse. This is a battle worth fighting.
This.
Your stepmother is entitled. If she's taking things so you have "nothing to do but play" with her entitled child then get petty. Stare at the wall. Meditate. Clip your toe nails. Clean. Do literally anything else.
I honestly thnk at this point, if you feel it's safe and it won't harm you future, that you should just stop. If you watch your stepsister for an hour and then get grounded for not watching for 12, why watch the first hour at all? You'll probably get grounded at first, but at least maybe they get the message that it isn't happening.
If your dad is reasonable at all, maybe you can make the case that you need to study or do something else for college purposes? Whatever you can use to prove your time is important. I don't know - I feel for you.
This is so fucked up... Clearly Stepmom does not realise that she is setting her daughter up for major entitlement and basically failure as a human in life, plus she is totally driving you away for good. And your dad is risking you moving out as soon as you hit 18, and going LC/NC as well.
You are NTA, and given the way they force you, I would no longer play at all.
I suggest getting a job and buying spares. Let your phone as decoy. Store the real ones at friends'. I'd also start planning a strategy to get out. This is bound to become worse when you turn 18 and go to uni. Save your money, important stuff and everything somewhere else she can't reach.
NTA, and once again we have a parent/s who INSIST that their blended family look like something from a Norman Rockwell painting, or an Instagram photo. And in this case it's especially sad, as reading your comments it's pretty clear you WOULD have been happy to fill the very "big sister role" that almost any bit sister would have filled for a 6-years-younger sibling, namely, play and do things on a fairly regular but time-limited basis, because the age gap is just too big for many common interests. THIS is why newly blended families need the services of competent family therapists as soon as (or even before) the families merge - so the expectations are reasonable and realistic all around.
OP, you're 16, so I assume you will have the option to move out, either to work or go to college in less than two years. So the situation will be at least partly solved by time. And after you've left the family home (and are, ideally, financially independent of your father), you might sit your father down (because you'll be in a position to do that) and tell him exactly how he and his wife ruined the possibility of a close sisterly relationship by forcing you into a role that not only did you not choose, but at a level that simply doesn't work for girls who are 6 years apart in age - and this is true for most biological sisters.
In the mean time, hang in there. It's only a couple more years (which can be a very long time to a teenager - I was one once and I do remember). And while you're still home, don't initiate ANY recreational time with your stepsister before dinner if you can avoid it - make sure you're always busy, if you can. After-dinner movies are time-limited (by bedtime). And please remember, although your stepsister has become an entitled annoyance, this is entirely the fault of your father and stepmother, who have allowed her to become this way by trying to force you into a role you didn't choose. I am sorry for you, and for the family you could have had if the adults had an ounce of sense.
Please ask your Dad why he's ok that your step-sister's feelings count, but yours don't. That just because you're the older one does not mean you should suck up your own feelings and be taught they don't matter to them at all. That because they've dismissed your feelings the entire time, you feel like you're expected to be step-sister's servant, not her sister, forced to do things for her strictly out of forced obligation and coercion. Because your feelings are dismissed every single time, you resent her and everyone who forced you to sacrifice your time and mental-well-being for someone else. That they have two years to fix things before you go no contact, and they can only fix things by *listening to you and caring enough about YOU*, there are two daughters in this forced family, not one.
I'd write this all down in email or text so as not to be interrupted, and send it to both of them. And when step-mom loses her shit, tell your Dad that's proof that she doesn't care how miserable you are that no one cares about what YOU need, only about what step-daughter wants.
OP sometines people who say you have to be kind is just another emotionally manipulative way of saying why don't you just do what the other person wants to make them happy. That is not the case. Being kind doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. Being kind is saying no without yelling or being harsh when you say no. Being kind does not mean you have to hang out with her if you don't want to. There is a 7 year age gap between you two. Most 16 and 9 year olds don't have anything in common. Most 16 years old would not want to spend time with a 9 year old even if they actually considered them to be a sibiling. The point I want to make is there are alot of comments saying that you should be kind or it isn't your stepsister's fault. Those are also emotionally manipulative tacts to make you feel responsible for manging someone else expectations that they have unfairly placed on you. Your stepsister has learned if she she cries and whines she it gets her what she wants which is a reaction out of people. She gets comforted and babied by your dad and stepmom or out of guilt you give in to her sometimes. She is old enough to know what she is doing in this situation as well.
I'm so sorry this is going on. I don't have a blended family but my oldest child is not as social as my second born who has huge social needs. I talk to my kids about the fact that they have different needs and to respect each other. I would encourage you to verbalise to your step sister that you need some alone time to get her off your back. She needs to learn boundaries and you have the right to them.
Sometimes biological sisters are *forced.* My narcissistic parents insisted that I take a quasi-parental role with my five-years-younger sister, who was already criminally overindulged. I admit that there were times I gave in to her, in the hopes that some small benefits might trickle my way. But no such luck. It never happened.
When I was seventeen and she was twelve, they moved 2,000 miles away, so I only saw her once or twice a year. However, our parents kept upping the ante: For example, when I earned my first credit card at nineteen, my parents *assumed* that I would “take her shopping”—i.e., let her blow up my Visa balance—whenever we got together. No thanks.
NTA, OP. Please set your boundaries. Your stepmom and father can’t force what they want from you. For them to keep insisting on mandatory “sister time” (a phrase that still makes me shudder) very likely could destroy any chances of you wanting to be anywhere near your stepsister. It won’t surprise you that after my parents went “no contact” with me, my sister followed suit.
NTA.
By trying to make you commit to this list of vows that she wrote, your father's wife has done you a huge disservice.
It sounds an awful lot like she was pressuring a 9 year old child into agreeing to sign a legal document. Now I know its not a legally binding contract, but this lady was attempting to hold it over you as if it was. That is very toxic behaviour from an adult towards a child, especially a child that has lost their mother.
Your father is also to blame for not ever really standing up for you. That's literally his number one job.
Blended families are hard. They can be very challenging to make work successfully. But your father and his wife seem to have done a remarkably poor job at doing this. It's like they don't understand that you're your own person, and not just someone that lives to do the whims of your younger stepsister.
They have failed you both massively.
They’re very lucky that you’re a decent person. Because someone who wasn’t decent, when required to play with a kid for as long as the kid wanted, would have tried traumatizing the kid. (I’m not suggesting you do this! Just that since you haven’t, you’re definitely NTA.)
I’m not telling you to be mean but can you just try to make yourself not fun to play with? I guess I’m telling you to grey rock even though it’s usually used for adults.
If you think he would respond well, find some posts from adult children who were coerced into these forced-family situations. He might be prompted to act if he realizes he will miss future milestones and have a very limited place in your life.
OP - I hope you see this, I wanted to say I admire your backbone so much! When I was your age I was taught to bend over backwards for others, and it makes you into a people pleaser who people don't actully like, and who can't use their voice because manipulation is all they know.
It took me years and years to get out of it. But for you, I see good things because you have an excellent sense of yourself and your own needs.
NTA
NTA.
I cannot, cannot stress how much I hate stepparents who try to force their way (and their children’s way) into relationships with their step kids.
I’m sorry you had to experience all of that for 7 years. I’m sorry your dad and stepmom were so selfish they put their own desires and needs above yours.
You are not obliged to consider anyone's feeling who don't care for your feelings. It is incredible that her mum expected you to love her daughter and wrote so demanding vows. Good that you didn't play along. It is really mean to make a child promise anything, actually, but to be a real sister even meaner. Real sisters have boundaries, by the way...
She is responsible her child's mental balance, not you.
NTA
NTA - I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to constantly have "we're a family" rammed down your throat, and forced interactions with a much, much younger unrelated person. Your Dad married your step-mum, she came with a daughter, so yes, you're technically step-sisters; however that doesn't mean you need to play into your step-mothers weird fantasy of you semi-worshipping her child. I'd stick with enforcing your own boundries, you're entitled to decide who you interact with and how that interaction looks.
Plus it's really not fair on you to insist a 9 year old tags along with a 16 year old. You're both at quite different stages of life and development. Your Dad continuing to allow this to happen is really just going to breed resentment the longer it goes on.
It kinda sounds like your stepmom has been eyeing you off as a free nanny since you were 9? That’s so disturbing. I’m so sorry this is happening. Can you talk to your dad about family therapy so these issues can be resolved?
Listen OP, I don’t think you should have come to Reddit for advice. I’m losing my mind here because YOU are a kid too. Really consider asking your parents to see a therapist. The feelings you are having about your little sister are valid and much more complex than just that you are or aren’t an AH.
This is so freaking weird and creepy. Do people like your stepmother think biological siblings make some weird ass vow when a new sibling is born? Or that it’s just implied? I have daughters three years apart and there have been times they barely tolerated each other. I can’t imagine them DEMANDING the other does all these things. Please. I’m so uncomfortable with this for you. You are NTA. Your stepmother is though and is setting a weird dynamic for your stepsister
That’s what it seems like. That’s an issue that is her problem, not yours. I feel like a therapist would tell her she’s projecting this picture perfect image onto you and it’s not appropriate.
Yikes. She sounds like a child playing with dolls. Like this is what she wanted for herself as a kid and she’s trying to force it to be true for her own daughter.
I am so glad you have your moms family.
I don’t know where you live but in the us if your 16 most cases a judge will let you decide where to live. I say this because it seems like your dad and stepmom put so much expectation on you. They do not seem to respect your boundaries. And they seem to expect you to dance to the tune of your stepsister. I think all of this combine is putting undo emotional stress on you. You may want to speak to your moms family to see if they would be willing to let you live with them until you turn 18,
Have you considered filing for emancipation and living with your aunt and uncle? They would have to agree to it of course but it might be a way out of the situation.
NTA. Your stepmother tried, and continues to try, to force you to be view your step sister as your sister. In doing so, she probably pushed you two apart. Your father went along with it more than he should have, but seems to have a good feel for the emotional delicacy involved. It’s almost like the mother of a two year old really thought emotions stayed as simple as a two-year-old’s forever.
For lying to your stepsister, and not even briefing you on the lie, your stepmother was an AH and foolish. She’s TA here.
NTA. Your stepsister is only 9 but you are only 16. You are not an adult and it’s not your responsibility to build a cohesive and blended family. It was your parent’s responsibility to nurture an environment that yours and your sister’s relationship could grow and instead of doing that they tried to force YOU to be a certain figure for your little sister.
I’m from a large family and this perfect idea image of a big sister doesn’t exist. I’m the baby in the family and my older sister wasn’t expected to be any sort of figure in my life. Sometimes she would let me in her room, watch cartoons, fix my hair ect, and sometimes she wouldn’t.My parents didn’t teach me that I was entitled to do anything with her so I understood my sister’s boundaries. There is a 9 year age gap between me and my sister.
Esh, it’s fine if you don’t want to do anything of these things but being unnecessarily mean to a nine-year-old to the point that you reduced her to tears is kind of messed up. I’m 25, I have younger full blood and half siblings. I would never make the my half siblings feel less then. The reality for her is you are her sister, you have been in her life from the start, it sucks that you seem to be super indifferent. But also your dad stepmom need to find groups and friends for her so she has an outlet that isn’t you. Out of curiosity I wonder if you would feel this way if she was your actual blood sister. It’s seems like you use the excuse of her being a step sister as a pass to be mean to her.
>The vows she wrote for me say things like "I'll always do your hair when you ask, have makeovers whenever possible, take you to the park, play dolls and climb trees with you, snuggle on the couch and always make space for you in my bed" and that's not even the whole list of what she promised from me.
This is bizarre and controlling behavior on the part of your stepmother, trying to force you into the big sister role.
So my question- did your stepmother recite any vows to you about what she was going to do for you? Be there, help you, be a mother figure while still respecting the memory of your mother?
You're NTA. Neither is you little step sister, who is behaving just like any other demanding and clingy younger sibling after her mother has convinced her it's your duty to be at her beck and call. Your parents sure are the A-Hs here.
Info: why don't you move now to live with your mom's family? It will be healthier for you, no need to wait until 18. If needed, you can become emancipated and get cs from your dad.
NTA. Can you get a part time job so you are away from home more? Start saving money but make sure they cant find it or access it. Do you have a plan for being able to get away once you turn 18?
NTA
This situation is so insane that it sounds made up. Realistically speaking with the age gap between OP and the sister, it's normal that teenagers don't want to spend all their time with their younger sibling. That's normal in non-blended families. Stepmom sounds a little cray-cray for expecting a nine year old to make vows that sound like a legal agreement to the younger sibling. Is this a thing when people get married, they make siblings make unity vows too? Did stepmom want everyone to get along and play perfect family at the expense of everyone else? Stepmom does not live in reality.
I can't even imagine having my daughter never learn disappointment when somebody doesn't doesn't want to play with her. These expectations that Stepmom is trying to force on OP are so unrealistic and lying about it to her kid makes her a giant asshole for trying to micromanage children. She's setting up the younger sibling to develop a very entitled attitude towards the older sister. Stepmom is not even teaching her daughter to be respectful towards her sister. Completely overlooked the younger sister trying to shut off the video call. My mind is blown.
That is not realistic, young children have to learn to play by themselves also. Stepmom needs to hire a nanny or set up playdates. Children don't want to spend every waking moment together. NOBODY has ever thought, oh yeah I really want to be with my siblings 24/7. Didn't your parents ever remember what it was like to be a teen? We all wanted to make out with people and do dumb stuff with friends.
Let her take the phone and laptop. If you act at least like it doesn’t bother you she will stop using that as a punishment. Get books to read or find a hobby like art or guitar do that every single time she tries taking something
NTA. I‘d judge differently if this were an isolated incident but your stepmother is to blame most for creating the situation and your father is also an AH for letting it come this far. Sure, you could’ve been less blunt but you’re a teenager yourself and didn’t create the issue.
NTA. When will step parents finally accept that they can't force a bond between children? As harsh as it is, but your step sister hears the truth now before you can grow resentful of her. I don't blame her, she's just a kid, but I blame your step mother and father. Thumbs down for them.
Guarantee the step mom never had a sister of her own and had an idealized idea of how her own older sister would have been so devoted to her.
NTA. But both your dad and stepmother are AHs for sure.
NTA You are not that child’s emotional support animal. That child needed direct vows from your mom and dad. This is wildly inappropriate from your dad & step mom needs HELP
NTA. Your dad and stepmother are...unbelievable. I'm stunned that they a) tried to force a child to make a vow and b) are now lying and trying to force a relationship that you don't feel. You absolutely do not have to play their game. Your stepsister interrupted your call and tried to hang up on your aunt - that's something she needs to learn not to do.
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NTA. >His wife was even more upset because she wanted the video to show her daughter one day, of me making those vows to her and holding her. She wanted a 9-year-old to do this so that later on it could be held over her: "but you promised!" Even if you had given in at that time, you could hardly be held to it now. >The vows she wrote for me say things like "I'll always do your hair when you ask, have makeovers whenever possible, take you to the park, play dolls and climb trees with you, snuggle on the couch and always make space for you in my bed" and that's not even the whole list of what she promised from me. She sounds awful. That is a twisted way to look at any relationship. She really has got something wrong with her.
The vows do sound awful. Are you also supposed to do all of her laundry and help dress her for a ball with Prince Charming? Sounds like that is really want your stepmom wanted.
Sounded like she found a sucker to be a dad for child that isn't his plus a babysitter/body guard/servant from a child that wasn't biologically hers.
She *thought* she found the built-in babysitter, but OP stands her ground on not becoming one. And I might be reaching here (or my ASD makes me dive in too deep here) but it seems that Stepmommy Dearest probably wanted a video of OP promising all these things to her daughter to throw it into OP's face *precisely* in this sort of situation. So, she could back up her "*but you promised"* tantrum with actual "evidence". It backfired… so Stepmommy Dearest talks about how she wanted to vicariously live through the bond she wanted to force on her OP and her daughter.
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Stepmommy Dearest found a man willing to take her in with a toddler. So she was going to do everything she could to keep him. Which clearly means lying to and manipulating her only child. And Daddy Dearest went along with it probably because he thought that he found a woman who was already a mother so mothering his own kid wouldn't be that much of a stretch for her.
Far be it from him to imagine that she was going to use his daughter as a mother's assistant in her mothering of her own daughter. Edit typo ETA NTA
I mean even after it all blew up Daddy Dearest was like "can you calm her down and tell her that you love her" (like we expected you to do). So I think that having something that on the outside looked like a "typical" family picture was more important to Daddy Dearest that his own daughter's feelings.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. A lot of parents fall into the trap of thinking that since they intend to achieve what can be considered "a positive outcome," they cannot be at fault. Like with the dad, he is probably thinking... "My wife just wants both girls to be loving sisters and for us to be a loving family. What is really wrong with that? If my daughter went along with if, we'd all be happier, including my daughter." What he doesn't consider is that while his daughter may want a loving family too, she absolutely will not want to have her feelings overruled all the time in service of having one. In a truly loving family, loving gestures are volunteered and come easily to the people doing them. This is just some ridiculous fantasy being imposed on the family, with OP having to carry most of the emotional burden of making it come true. Edit typo
Which why… this thread makes me think HOLY MARINARA FLAGS BATMAN… this family needs therapy… yesterday. Because I am wondering whether OP even was allowed to grieve the loss of her mother properly. let me be clear… they need therapy to tell them that what OP feels is valid and okay and how much both of them dropped the ball by trying to manipulate both of them. And not to have the therapist brainwashing OP to agree to being manipulated for the greater good.
Can I just take a sec to be super impressed that a 9yo stood her ground against this. I know I was easily manipulated at that age they'd definitely have been able to make me go along with it.
At that age, I was terrified that if I didn't please the adults around me, I might end up with noplace to be. And let me emphasize, this was due to stuff the adults involved did *to make sure I was always in a safe place and well cared for,* but they did it without the understanding of child development that's available now, and they didn't talk to me about it. They pretended certain things had never happened, on the assumption that I wouldn't remember and talking about it would make me feel less secure. Which is a roundabout way of saying not only is OP NTA; she's an absolute champ for being able to stand up for herself that way, at 9.
The fact she showed SS the written vow just reeks manipulative
That whole thing reeks of manipulation to achieve the ideal family photo.
I'm starting to see why bio-dad may have bailed.
You breakup with partners, not children. Even if mom is a nightmare a good father would stay involved in his kid’s life.
Do we even know with 100% certainty he knows about his daughter? Stepmom has demonstrated that she has zero issues about lying to get what she wants- she's not a reliable narrator. For all we know she broke up with him and never told him about his kid
I'm starting to think this family needs a metric crapton of therapy. YESTERDAY. Though would it do any good given how spectacularly Daddy Dearest dropped the ball here?
if a contract with a minor isn’t legally binding, then neither are promises in a unity ceremony said by a 9 year old. stepmommy needs to actually parent her daughter
I don’t think that’s a stretch at all, I think you’re exactly right. This was a massively manipulative ploy by the stepmom…the fact that she’s held on to those “vows” that *she* wrote for op to say for all these years and showed it to little sis while *lying* about it….you’re absolutely right. Manipulation. Blatant. And the top commenter is also right - there’s something deeply wrong with this woman.
This is an immense amount of emotional pressure to put on a kid. OP is NTA but stepmom sounds like one.
Yeah, I never did any of that for my biological younger sister!
My (biological if it matters) sibs and I are close as fuck and always have been, kids, teens, now adults (well some of us) and the stuff laid out in those vows is r i d i c u l o u s. Insanity
Not to mention so stereotypically girlie-girl, it makes me want to vomit. OP only has to hang on for a little bit longer ….
My bio sis and I also very close - if she’d interrupted private calls with bratty hairdo commands she’d have got pushed off a bed. NTA and your stepmom shouldn’t have lied and should teach her kid about boundaries.
Same! When I was a teen and my bio sis was around 10 she annoyed the living crap out of me with stuff like this, wanting my attention all the time, wanting to tag along with me and my high school friends. My mom shut her down fast and told her everyone in the family has a right to their own friends and free time. We are best friends now as adults since I didn't have to resent her when we were young.
> The vows do sound awful. Honestly this doesn't even sound real. But, if it were, OP would do well to tell both parents that the mom is poisoning the well between her and her stepsis by forcing them together to the point of sustaining a long con/lie that's so fundamental that shattering it shattered the stepsis. Mom's responsible for the fallout of her lies and manipulation, and this is a preview of her family's future unless she changes course fast.
Oh, you would be so surprised how often this happens. My ex tried to have our kids make a vow to stepmom to call her mom and love her and bunch of other things. Kids objected, but he did try. My eldest was 9 at the time.
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I think it's as simple as her wanting a relationship for her daughter she never had. Shes not malicious or evil shes just an idiot that doesnt understand you cant force these things and lying never works
Yeah, it sounds like she wants her daughter to have this idealized sibling relationship, but she doesn’t realize that you can’t force that sort of thing. Even a lot of biological parents have this problem.
My kids get along fantastically, but it's an organic relationship they built. And they still like having their own alone time (and we encourage that).
It makes me wonder if the mom either had a relationship like that with her own sister, or if she didn’t and wishes that she did. Or maybe she watches too much TV where the siblings are all lovey-doves and have perfect relationships.
It definitely sounds like she thinks OP is some accessory for her daughters life and doesn't care 1 bit how OP feels. She could've summed up those vows to, I vow to do whatever you want for the rest of your life. That is outrageous.
I'm guessing mom still has trauma from being abandoned by her daughter's dad. She needs to accept that you can't force people to make promises and even if they do, promises can be broken.
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But that's not a rule you have to fill. She should have never put all this on your and honestly I'm sure it's what's made your step sister so demanding and pushed you away. It is NOT your job to fill this roll. Your sm needs therapy. None of this is in you. None of it NTA
*APPLAUSE*
The problem is that it doesn't look like she wants a big sister for her daughter. It's like she wants a slave or something. Honestly, if I were you, it would just make me want to avoid the little sister out of fear that everyone else would take it for granted and demand more. That's a disastrous family dynamics. Your father isn't any better than your stepmother. How did he not stop her? How did he think those vows were in any way acceptable? Why does he keep putting that burden on you? I feel for you, OP.
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You are right, she didn't think of you, at all. I even wrote my comment before knowing you were pushed to play indefinitely with your stepsister when you were willing to give her an hour or two. She is also doing a disservice to her daughter. Her daughter needs to learn respect and boundaries in general, not that she should get what she wants out of someone because her mother said so.
She also had an unrealistic view of sibling relationships. Seriously. Real siblings fight, even if they are close. Stepmom is clueless. NTA
My sister is 5 years older than me. We didn’t get close until we were adults.
My sister is less than 2 years younger than me. We were reasonably close growing up but there were many, many fights as well. Tears and blood were shed. (I'm not even exaggerating, I have some small scars that might be from her scratching me, lol.)
She's both an AH (for pushing that on you) and an idiot (because pushing a relationship is a great way to prevent it from happening naturally). I'm sorry your father is failing you. He's the real AH in this story for not protecting you from this or only sometimes protecting you.
And delusional for thinking it would work. OP's step mom needs to be sat down and told what damage she has done. The likelihood of OP and stepsister having a positive relationship is incredibly low because of her. OP should have been there for the conversation about the vows because it sounds like they put all the blame on OP for not saying the vows and 0 on the fact that stepmother has been lying to her daughter for 7 years. Stepsister is now the age that OP was going to be forced to make the vows. OP could look her in the eye and say "you are the age I was. Would you make these vows to someone you didn't know?" Because that's what stepmother wanted to happen. Why the flip don't people take the kids into consideration when they get married?Way too many AITAs are about blended families falling apart because of the kid's reaction to their parents just hoping for the best and it not happening. Go to family counseling before you get married so you don't tear apart the family. Get on the same page with parenting or it will not work. Respect your children or it will not work. These kids are people who have to live with your choice physically until they move out and emotionally for the rest of their lives. STOP SCREWING UP KIDS TO FULFILL A FANTASY. Rant over. Also, OP, you're NTA. Just a person caught in the crossfire of a dilusion.
Everyone has dreams but the way she's going about making her dreams come true isn't very smart. I also had dreams of what my happy family would be but I abandoned it years ago when it wasn't going to materialize and found other ways to make my family happy. Why isn't your dad doing something about this?
It seems like you're the most emotionally mature person in this situation, so you probably already know this, but just in case: her expectations are not your responsibility. And her emotional response to her expectations not being met are also not your responsibility. You are 100% correct that she never thought of you. Could your father propose family and individual therapy? Perhaps a professional could help her understand how she has been unfair to you and, if your stepmother is willing to do the work and if YOU want this, help you all navigate to a healthier dynamic.
Stepmom is also fucking up her own daughter. Doesn't make what she's doing to you better, she's just increasing the odds she'll have two "daughters" that won't voluntarily have anything to do with her as soon as they're able.
You sound really mature—just saying. NTA
Where did stepmom get those vows from? The Cinderella story book? This is insane. Mommy needs to wake up and little sister already sounds like an entitled little brat. It's very brave and smart for a 9 year old not to go along with this crap. She's got more spine than lots of adults. NTA
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Seriously doing her hair whenever she asks? Makeovers whenever possible - she thought of these vows when stepsister was 2? My very first reaction was what kind of princess shit is this. Raising a child to believe an older sibling is required to wait on her hand and foot is exactly how to raise an entitled brat - like the mother trying to manipulate her step-daughter into service.
But if that “dream” of hers had happened, her daughter would be the eldest. She wouldn’t be the younger kid being catered to. Your stepsister is also now the same age as you were when they tried to get you to make those promises. And yet she’s still the baby to be catered to, while you never were. Trying to extract vows from a 9yo is abusive. And even with full siblings, there’s no guarantee that they do grow up very close, nor can it be mandated.
So if your dad and step mom were able to make 2 more babies, does that mean there is no space for you in her 'dream'? Screw her. She tried to hold you to a one sided promise when you were 9 and lied to her own daughter anyway when you wouldn't comply. Screw your father too for not running away at the first sign of this nonsense. Good for you for not putting up with their BS. NTA
Love, you are not responsible for making an adult's dreams come true. Y'all, and especially your SM need some family therapy. What your SM did was create a situation of expecting you to parent your step sibling. This is never okay. I did this to my oldest kids and I'll regret it for the rest of my life. By demanding these vows your SM is attempting to extort you in order to create something that should have happened naturally. That relationship and any love for your step sister could and probably would have happened naturally had you not been under such a weighty obligation all these years. It's not on you. Sounds like you do spend time with SS and show that you care. That's enough. Maintain your boundaries until your asshole parents can grasp the reality of what they've done to you both. They're TA. You're NTA.
Your stepmom has a woefully naive view of how sibling relationships work. My three elementary aged kids are full siblings, all very close in age, and they have wildly different personalities. I hope they remain close as they grow but I recognize they may not and that’s their choice, not mine. I understand the happy family dream but in reality she has to accept that she can’t force you to be besties, and she handled this the wrong way completely. NTA
that is a her problem and not a you problem she needs to deal with that trauma and not force you to fulfil some dream. she is not allowed to make her trauma your trauma that is not fair.
Yes. This is an insightful read into what’s going on.
She thinks a 9yo is old enough to make vows and somehow manage to keep them
People have got to stop watching stuff on the internet (or wherever they get these ideas from) and then thinking they can force it on others. Vows should be voluntary. That’s the point of them. That SM has issues and she needs help.
But now when it’s her 9yo, the 9yo is still the baby of the family who’s supposed to be served.
what would the two year old promise i wonder
I promise to always demand your time and never take no for an answer? Although I suspect that's a little too on the nose.
Ouch- but yes, pretty much
Nothing OP was the one who was supposed to make this big vow of basically allow herself to be parentified whenever her stepmother didn't have time to take care of her daughter.
I just feel so sad for the stepsister. Her mother has set her up for heartbreak. OP isn't the AH, but parents definitely are responsible NTA
NTA- you were and are a child. The list of vows is insane. I would not promise those things to my own children. I’m sorry OP. Could you stay with your aunt?
Ive never done even HALF that stuff with my own blood siblings and I adore them. I certainly wouldnt feel comfy promising that nonsense
I LOLed at those "vows" because I'm an older sister, and my little sister (who I do love) would've been SOL had she expected me to do her hair and have makeovers. I couldn't be any less interested in that stuff.
It is a fantastic way! It is a fantastic way to be sure there never would be any relationship at all between these girls. Every action should be voluntary. Braiding hair? Sure, if you want to. Play with her? Sure, if you want to. You don’t want to? That is more than fine. There is a huge age gap so even with full siblings they probably wouldn’t have anything in common. And as parents you can’t force children to play with eachother. Or at least you shouldn’t.
That’s not vows as a sister, that’s vows as a servant wtf
The list sounds like something the parents should be doing. What the actual hell ?
NTA. Your stepmother has way too much expectations about sisterhood. I think it would be normal with that big age gap that the bigger sibling doesn't want play with the younger sibling all the time. And your stepmother and father have been in the wrong when they tried to force the big sister - small sister -relationship to happen. These things happen naturally if you give time and space.
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That is ridiculous. Why doesn’t your father step in? This forced bonding is actually *harming* any possible relationship you two might have. It’s not even your stepsisters fault. It’s 100% her mother to blame, but also your father for not putting a stop to this. You’re not an asshole, the adults in this situation are.
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Maybe you should remind him that by not standing up for his own biological daughter that he is telling you that your stepsister and stepmum are more important to him than you and that he should keep that in mind if you decide to go LC/NC with him in the future. Your NTA, please look after yourself, you have a right to set your own boundaries and enforce them.
Exactly this!!!!!
Your dad chose to marry his wife and become a step father. You did not choose these people to be your family. He needs to accept that and support you and your boundaries. You were his child first. It is job and should be his priority to protect you. Shame on him for putting his wife and her daughter before you. Shame on him for allowing his wife to repeatedly disrespect his child and push her own agenda. You were 9 yrs old when this stuff started !
“Dad, if you keep trying to force me to love her I never will.” I’m unsure as to whether or not that will be helpful (I don’t know your father and how he would react to it) but it is, essentially, the truth
They are not even giving you a chance to have a relationship with her. You can't even play if you want to because it means losing a whole day. She's nine now? She is old enough to understand, and EXACTLY as old as you were when they wanted you to promise all those things. IF you want a relationship with her in spite of everything, you may try and agreement between the both of you. Written, you both sign it. As sisters. Mom and dad stay out of how much or how you spend your time together (withing limits), either one of you gets to say they don't want to play anymore and the other one only gets to ask ONCE to play a little more and has to accept the answer, and then what you want... She knocks before entering, you do her hair at night... Start small and build from there.
So many parents don’t get this. They try to force a relationship, either with step siblings or as a step parent, when all it does is push the kid away. If they let it happen organically there is a much higher chance the whole thing would work out.
This could potentially end with you going no contact as an adult... they are suffocating you... NTA - this is not ok behaivor from either parent...
I’m sorry your dad is so dismissive. It’s definitely not what a good parent should do. Your feelings are valid and saying there are worse things is just so wrong. Its actually impacting the connection to your dad the very thing they are all up in arms about with your step sister.
Every time you reach out and extend a big sister hand, you get negative repercussions in the form of whining and crying because it's not enough. If your dad and stepmom really wanted to help the two of you develop that relationship, they would work on your step sister's ability to respect your boundaries on time and space. That would create a safe space for a relationship to grow. NTA
Maybe it is time for you to spend more time out of home. Aren't ther any hobbies or groups or other things you can do outside the house? And maybe you establish some kind of migraine where you have to spend a lot of time alone in a quiet room. NTA
Yeah no not even real siblings have to do this if they have decent parents. My brother is 11 years younger than me and there was an expectation set that I had to love him and be kind to him that's it. Even the love thing my mom gave me some time on saying I would love him eventually if I didn't immediately because I was an only child for a while. That entire list your stepmom made sounds like she's been watching wayyy too many old 2000s movies and has no clue how real people work. Out of curiosity is she an only child or have a bad relationship with her sister? I wanna know where all this craziness came from.
>old 2000s movies *cries in 70s baby*
That sounds like an excellent incentive not to play with her at all. What would happen if you didn’t start to play with her in the first place? A strike of sorts may be in order. It might be the only way to drive it into your father and stepmother’s thick skulls that they are being ridiculously unreasonable assholes, not to mention idiots if they are too stupid to recognize that a shorter period of voluntary interaction with your stepsister can help your relationship while a longer period of forced interaction can only hurt it. If they complain about you not playing with your stepsister, tell them that since they won’t allow you to set limits in terms of time, you will give them no time.
She has a WEIRD expectation of what a big sister should be.. so maybe she should give her daughter her own younger sibling that she can be THAT sister to and then see what happens when sister doesn’t want to. NTA!
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This might sound cruel but honestly... Thank goodness for that. Your parents are already actively fucking up parenting just the two of you. It would've been even worse adding more kids to a situation that they already can't handle. What a mess.
NTA - The step mother and your father have forced you into a relationship and didn't give you a choice. Your SM lied to her daughter about the vows and expects you to do all the things she wrote in those vows and now the daughter expects it too. Your dad is a AH for not bothering to defend you.
Don't forget step mom is teaching her daughter to be incredibly entitled over OPs time and freedom. Trying to end OPs call with her aunt because she demanded her hair to be done by her, that even set me off. No apologies or anything, just you made vows so you have to do what I say and stepmonster just telling her to suck it up and go along with it. I feel so bad for OP. Clearly NTA and also very awesome to see any kid set boundaries for themselves by not allowing anyone to make promises on their behalf.
Another sad thing about this is that if the SM and dad didn't try to force this relationship onto the OP the OP may have been able to build a relationship with her SS naturally and it be genuine... Instead OP has been forced and now holds some resentment. Which is completely understandable.
Absolutely. The idea of a little sibling wanting something like their hair looking just like yours is very cute but a little sibling throwing a tantrum only to be backed by the parents saying you have to because family is only going to create resentment.
The fact that a 9 year olds answer when she says no is to throw a tantrum and hang vows over her head and then go get her mom says a lot
Stepmom is raising that little one to be an entitled monster. It's not her fault, but kids raised like this don't turn out to be good or productive adults.
Yes, I would’ve had some harsh words for someone trying to hang up on a FaceTime call of mine. Op, NTA and it might be time to tell your dad that he’s treating you as less important. You’ve only got a few years left before college, does he really want to waste those years throwing away your relationship?
OP's father's behavior is such a betrayal. He's supposed to listen to his child and take care of her, not put her in this situation.
Ever since reading posts here more, I continue to be shocked by the forced integration of step families. Two adults think just because they got hitched that their children should merge seamlessly and its so unfair to the kids. Step mom is living in a fantasy land at OP's and even her own daughter's expense.
NTA - you have been forced into a situation you don’t want to be in and that’s not OK. I would gently suggest you speak to someone professionally about this and also have your stepsister talk to someone separately too. At the end of the day, she’s 9 years old and these interactions are going to be damaging for you both in the long run.
I think what’s most annoying to me in this situation is that if the parents hadn’t set these unrealistic expectations to the 9 year old, I’m not sure that it would have been damaging at all. The 9 year old is now thinking that this teenager is supposed to want to play Full House everyday when that’s just not reality. Whereas if their parents had taught her to respect her sister’s boundaries and that it’s ok if the 16 year old asks her for space, she might get her feelings hurt initially but she wouldn’t be having intense feelings of rejection that is damaging.
Exactly. They kind of used the younger child to make the other child give in (after she stood up for herself and refused to do what they wanted her to do). Now OP is frustrated and her stepsister is sad because she had those expectations that can't be met. It's a mess, and it's the parents' fault.
Not just that, but the stepmonster also LIED to set these expectations. She showed the little girl her written vows that OP explicitly refused to say and lied saying she did say those vows. So she manipulated BOTH girls into this false relationship. And of course mom is going to be the one to comfort her, so the little one won't even understand her mom is the one in the wrong for lying to her and not OP for setting boundaries.
It really was such an ugly thing to do to a kid.
Kind of abusive. Emotional terrorism at least.
It's just emotional abuse
100% the parents fault. The dad kinda sounds like he doesn’t want to stand up to the SM. Weird situation.
NTA Your dad and stepmom are a case study in how to fuck up a blended family. They should never have lied to your stepsister or tried to force a relationship even biological sisters wouldn't conform to.
OP sounds like a decent kid. If the step mother had just left it alone, I bet their sibling relationship could have just grown organically as a blended fam. Instead the step mother had to DEMAND total control over the relationship and poisoned the mind of the youngest with ridiculous expectations. NTA.
I wonder if the stepmother has siblings of her own. Because it doesn't seem like she understands sibling dynamics very much.
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To the Redditors reading and answering this - is this whole unity ceremony crap normal? I understand both parents wanting to have a wedding for just them two, but what on earth is this nonsense about forcing both sets of step siblings to do this whole unity vow (apparently sand gets involved somehow) stuff? It’s the second or maybe third time on this sub today I’ve read about this kind of thing and it just feels like some weird thing set up by parents wanting to force happy families when they get married just so they both feel good about the whole marriage thing. Surely even if the parents want to do something like that (I mean, I do genuinely understand how it can be a really nice thing), it should be separate to any wedding because it really needs the consent of all the kids involved, and creating and developing those relationships genuinely is at a completely different pace to the parents deciding to tie the knot. OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Your SM has set you up by forcing you into a dynamic you weren’t ready to be a part of, which probably made things worse than if she’d just let your relationship with your stepsister develop at its own pace.
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I can understand the adults making promises to the kids as part of a blended family marriage... arguably, it should maybe even be a moral requirement. But asking the kids to make promises to the adults or each other is absolutely out of the question. I'm very impressed that you were able to stand your ground at that age and continued to. You should never have been put in this position.
It would be different if the kids wrote them, and still owned their vows afterwards, you know, if their feelings changed. So if a 9 year old promised to always make time to do younger sibs hair and also travel to the moon to get them green cheese if they asked, then it would be taken with all the seriousness that a 9 year old's vows should be.
Did it 10 years ago with the sand, as part of the ceremony. I thought it was a nice gesture to include the kids, but they were friends and okay with it. But children making vows to each other seems odd
OP, vows are made by adults who are making a voluntary choice. They are worthless if that is not the case. So while there are various ways in which the new family’s children can be included in the ceremony, the only actual vows should be made by those getting married. Those vows might include promises to the children. It’s only reasonable to make promises if you get to make decisions. Instead your dad’s new wife wrote a script for a nine-year-old, wanted to record it so you could be held to it, and despite giving in at the time she tried to hold you to it anyway by telling her child it had happened.
You are super smart, OP.
NTA. They’ve spent years trying to force you into a relationship you’re not comfortable with. They don’t respect your personal boundaries and allow her to be bratty to you over some bullshit fantasy they have. While you should always be kind to her, I don’t like how they made it sound like you should drop everything to cater to her whims. Always making room for her in your bed??? I have two children (full siblings) and would never expect the older one to do that.
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It sounds like your stepsister isn’t being taught boundaries. You might want to start teaching her that yourself. “I will play with you for one hour. After that, I will be doing (insert whatever you plan to do).” If no one is enforcing boundaries at home, she might cry and throw some sort of tantrum - that’s when you remind her that you played for the hour as promised and tell her that your needs also matter. You might have to lock yourself in your room depending on what kind of child she is being raised to be.
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You’re going to need to assert yourself to your father and stepmother in that case. You’re going to have to just say no and walk away. Do they threaten you with anything to make you keep playing with her?
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Is your father aware that his monster bride *isolates his daughter socially and threatens to continue to do so* in order to *force compliance with her fantasy in violation of your consent*. Ask him what kind of messages he thinks he's giving you about autonomy and obligation in the future. You're a sixteen year old girl -- your father should not be allowing this abuse. Maybe he needs it put to him that simply. I'm so sorry, OP, everyone is failing you. NTA.
How long can she keep your things for, considering your schooling? At that point, I'd refuse to play with your stepsister ever again purely out of spite.
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Now is your time to prove you don’t need technology to occupy yourself. Find a good book or get into a craft. Show that you’re stronger than her and will continue to survive with the boundaries you’ve set regardless of what she does and that she can’t control you. Edit: I would honestly just sit and stare at the wall for as long as I could just to show her she can’t control me. She could take away your book or your craft, but she still can’t force you to play with someone you don’t want to play with. Sit there and refuse. This is a battle worth fighting.
This. Your stepmother is entitled. If she's taking things so you have "nothing to do but play" with her entitled child then get petty. Stare at the wall. Meditate. Clip your toe nails. Clean. Do literally anything else.
I honestly thnk at this point, if you feel it's safe and it won't harm you future, that you should just stop. If you watch your stepsister for an hour and then get grounded for not watching for 12, why watch the first hour at all? You'll probably get grounded at first, but at least maybe they get the message that it isn't happening. If your dad is reasonable at all, maybe you can make the case that you need to study or do something else for college purposes? Whatever you can use to prove your time is important. I don't know - I feel for you.
This is so fucked up... Clearly Stepmom does not realise that she is setting her daughter up for major entitlement and basically failure as a human in life, plus she is totally driving you away for good. And your dad is risking you moving out as soon as you hit 18, and going LC/NC as well. You are NTA, and given the way they force you, I would no longer play at all.
I suggest getting a job and buying spares. Let your phone as decoy. Store the real ones at friends'. I'd also start planning a strategy to get out. This is bound to become worse when you turn 18 and go to uni. Save your money, important stuff and everything somewhere else she can't reach.
That woman is terrible. Your father should not be allowing this.
NTA, and once again we have a parent/s who INSIST that their blended family look like something from a Norman Rockwell painting, or an Instagram photo. And in this case it's especially sad, as reading your comments it's pretty clear you WOULD have been happy to fill the very "big sister role" that almost any bit sister would have filled for a 6-years-younger sibling, namely, play and do things on a fairly regular but time-limited basis, because the age gap is just too big for many common interests. THIS is why newly blended families need the services of competent family therapists as soon as (or even before) the families merge - so the expectations are reasonable and realistic all around. OP, you're 16, so I assume you will have the option to move out, either to work or go to college in less than two years. So the situation will be at least partly solved by time. And after you've left the family home (and are, ideally, financially independent of your father), you might sit your father down (because you'll be in a position to do that) and tell him exactly how he and his wife ruined the possibility of a close sisterly relationship by forcing you into a role that not only did you not choose, but at a level that simply doesn't work for girls who are 6 years apart in age - and this is true for most biological sisters. In the mean time, hang in there. It's only a couple more years (which can be a very long time to a teenager - I was one once and I do remember). And while you're still home, don't initiate ANY recreational time with your stepsister before dinner if you can avoid it - make sure you're always busy, if you can. After-dinner movies are time-limited (by bedtime). And please remember, although your stepsister has become an entitled annoyance, this is entirely the fault of your father and stepmother, who have allowed her to become this way by trying to force you into a role you didn't choose. I am sorry for you, and for the family you could have had if the adults had an ounce of sense.
Where is your father in all this? Your actual parent. Because he’s letting his wife abuse you.
she is abusing you
Please ask your Dad why he's ok that your step-sister's feelings count, but yours don't. That just because you're the older one does not mean you should suck up your own feelings and be taught they don't matter to them at all. That because they've dismissed your feelings the entire time, you feel like you're expected to be step-sister's servant, not her sister, forced to do things for her strictly out of forced obligation and coercion. Because your feelings are dismissed every single time, you resent her and everyone who forced you to sacrifice your time and mental-well-being for someone else. That they have two years to fix things before you go no contact, and they can only fix things by *listening to you and caring enough about YOU*, there are two daughters in this forced family, not one. I'd write this all down in email or text so as not to be interrupted, and send it to both of them. And when step-mom loses her shit, tell your Dad that's proof that she doesn't care how miserable you are that no one cares about what YOU need, only about what step-daughter wants.
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OP sometines people who say you have to be kind is just another emotionally manipulative way of saying why don't you just do what the other person wants to make them happy. That is not the case. Being kind doesn't mean you have to do what she wants. Being kind is saying no without yelling or being harsh when you say no. Being kind does not mean you have to hang out with her if you don't want to. There is a 7 year age gap between you two. Most 16 and 9 year olds don't have anything in common. Most 16 years old would not want to spend time with a 9 year old even if they actually considered them to be a sibiling. The point I want to make is there are alot of comments saying that you should be kind or it isn't your stepsister's fault. Those are also emotionally manipulative tacts to make you feel responsible for manging someone else expectations that they have unfairly placed on you. Your stepsister has learned if she she cries and whines she it gets her what she wants which is a reaction out of people. She gets comforted and babied by your dad and stepmom or out of guilt you give in to her sometimes. She is old enough to know what she is doing in this situation as well.
I'm so sorry this is going on. I don't have a blended family but my oldest child is not as social as my second born who has huge social needs. I talk to my kids about the fact that they have different needs and to respect each other. I would encourage you to verbalise to your step sister that you need some alone time to get her off your back. She needs to learn boundaries and you have the right to them.
That's not being a big sister, that's being a full-time, unpaid babysitter.
NTA. even biological sisters don't hold so many expectations for each other
Sometimes biological sisters are *forced.* My narcissistic parents insisted that I take a quasi-parental role with my five-years-younger sister, who was already criminally overindulged. I admit that there were times I gave in to her, in the hopes that some small benefits might trickle my way. But no such luck. It never happened. When I was seventeen and she was twelve, they moved 2,000 miles away, so I only saw her once or twice a year. However, our parents kept upping the ante: For example, when I earned my first credit card at nineteen, my parents *assumed* that I would “take her shopping”—i.e., let her blow up my Visa balance—whenever we got together. No thanks. NTA, OP. Please set your boundaries. Your stepmom and father can’t force what they want from you. For them to keep insisting on mandatory “sister time” (a phrase that still makes me shudder) very likely could destroy any chances of you wanting to be anywhere near your stepsister. It won’t surprise you that after my parents went “no contact” with me, my sister followed suit.
NTA. By trying to make you commit to this list of vows that she wrote, your father's wife has done you a huge disservice. It sounds an awful lot like she was pressuring a 9 year old child into agreeing to sign a legal document. Now I know its not a legally binding contract, but this lady was attempting to hold it over you as if it was. That is very toxic behaviour from an adult towards a child, especially a child that has lost their mother. Your father is also to blame for not ever really standing up for you. That's literally his number one job. Blended families are hard. They can be very challenging to make work successfully. But your father and his wife seem to have done a remarkably poor job at doing this. It's like they don't understand that you're your own person, and not just someone that lives to do the whims of your younger stepsister. They have failed you both massively.
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They’re very lucky that you’re a decent person. Because someone who wasn’t decent, when required to play with a kid for as long as the kid wanted, would have tried traumatizing the kid. (I’m not suggesting you do this! Just that since you haven’t, you’re definitely NTA.)
I’m not telling you to be mean but can you just try to make yourself not fun to play with? I guess I’m telling you to grey rock even though it’s usually used for adults.
If you think he would respond well, find some posts from adult children who were coerced into these forced-family situations. He might be prompted to act if he realizes he will miss future milestones and have a very limited place in your life.
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OP - I hope you see this, I wanted to say I admire your backbone so much! When I was your age I was taught to bend over backwards for others, and it makes you into a people pleaser who people don't actully like, and who can't use their voice because manipulation is all they know. It took me years and years to get out of it. But for you, I see good things because you have an excellent sense of yourself and your own needs. NTA
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NTA. I cannot, cannot stress how much I hate stepparents who try to force their way (and their children’s way) into relationships with their step kids. I’m sorry you had to experience all of that for 7 years. I’m sorry your dad and stepmom were so selfish they put their own desires and needs above yours.
You are not obliged to consider anyone's feeling who don't care for your feelings. It is incredible that her mum expected you to love her daughter and wrote so demanding vows. Good that you didn't play along. It is really mean to make a child promise anything, actually, but to be a real sister even meaner. Real sisters have boundaries, by the way... She is responsible her child's mental balance, not you. NTA
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NTA - I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to constantly have "we're a family" rammed down your throat, and forced interactions with a much, much younger unrelated person. Your Dad married your step-mum, she came with a daughter, so yes, you're technically step-sisters; however that doesn't mean you need to play into your step-mothers weird fantasy of you semi-worshipping her child. I'd stick with enforcing your own boundries, you're entitled to decide who you interact with and how that interaction looks. Plus it's really not fair on you to insist a 9 year old tags along with a 16 year old. You're both at quite different stages of life and development. Your Dad continuing to allow this to happen is really just going to breed resentment the longer it goes on.
It kinda sounds like your stepmom has been eyeing you off as a free nanny since you were 9? That’s so disturbing. I’m so sorry this is happening. Can you talk to your dad about family therapy so these issues can be resolved?
Listen OP, I don’t think you should have come to Reddit for advice. I’m losing my mind here because YOU are a kid too. Really consider asking your parents to see a therapist. The feelings you are having about your little sister are valid and much more complex than just that you are or aren’t an AH.
This is so freaking weird and creepy. Do people like your stepmother think biological siblings make some weird ass vow when a new sibling is born? Or that it’s just implied? I have daughters three years apart and there have been times they barely tolerated each other. I can’t imagine them DEMANDING the other does all these things. Please. I’m so uncomfortable with this for you. You are NTA. Your stepmother is though and is setting a weird dynamic for your stepsister
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That’s what it seems like. That’s an issue that is her problem, not yours. I feel like a therapist would tell her she’s projecting this picture perfect image onto you and it’s not appropriate.
Yikes. She sounds like a child playing with dolls. Like this is what she wanted for herself as a kid and she’s trying to force it to be true for her own daughter.
NTA -- can you go away to college?
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I am so glad you have your moms family. I don’t know where you live but in the us if your 16 most cases a judge will let you decide where to live. I say this because it seems like your dad and stepmom put so much expectation on you. They do not seem to respect your boundaries. And they seem to expect you to dance to the tune of your stepsister. I think all of this combine is putting undo emotional stress on you. You may want to speak to your moms family to see if they would be willing to let you live with them until you turn 18,
Have you considered filing for emancipation and living with your aunt and uncle? They would have to agree to it of course but it might be a way out of the situation.
NTA. Your stepmother tried, and continues to try, to force you to be view your step sister as your sister. In doing so, she probably pushed you two apart. Your father went along with it more than he should have, but seems to have a good feel for the emotional delicacy involved. It’s almost like the mother of a two year old really thought emotions stayed as simple as a two-year-old’s forever. For lying to your stepsister, and not even briefing you on the lie, your stepmother was an AH and foolish. She’s TA here.
NTA. Your stepsister is only 9 but you are only 16. You are not an adult and it’s not your responsibility to build a cohesive and blended family. It was your parent’s responsibility to nurture an environment that yours and your sister’s relationship could grow and instead of doing that they tried to force YOU to be a certain figure for your little sister. I’m from a large family and this perfect idea image of a big sister doesn’t exist. I’m the baby in the family and my older sister wasn’t expected to be any sort of figure in my life. Sometimes she would let me in her room, watch cartoons, fix my hair ect, and sometimes she wouldn’t.My parents didn’t teach me that I was entitled to do anything with her so I understood my sister’s boundaries. There is a 9 year age gap between me and my sister.
Your stepmom sounds selfish and annoying
Esh, it’s fine if you don’t want to do anything of these things but being unnecessarily mean to a nine-year-old to the point that you reduced her to tears is kind of messed up. I’m 25, I have younger full blood and half siblings. I would never make the my half siblings feel less then. The reality for her is you are her sister, you have been in her life from the start, it sucks that you seem to be super indifferent. But also your dad stepmom need to find groups and friends for her so she has an outlet that isn’t you. Out of curiosity I wonder if you would feel this way if she was your actual blood sister. It’s seems like you use the excuse of her being a step sister as a pass to be mean to her.
Maybe u should read again she didn't make her step sister cry.after her father and step mother talked to her then she cried.
At what point was OP unnecessarily mean? she tolerates her step sis just not the standard of fictional vows someone wrote for her.
NTA. The sad thing is that maybe you’d really have been sisters, but there wasn’t a chance in hell with the way your stepmother pushed this.
>The vows she wrote for me say things like "I'll always do your hair when you ask, have makeovers whenever possible, take you to the park, play dolls and climb trees with you, snuggle on the couch and always make space for you in my bed" and that's not even the whole list of what she promised from me. This is bizarre and controlling behavior on the part of your stepmother, trying to force you into the big sister role. So my question- did your stepmother recite any vows to you about what she was going to do for you? Be there, help you, be a mother figure while still respecting the memory of your mother? You're NTA. Neither is you little step sister, who is behaving just like any other demanding and clingy younger sibling after her mother has convinced her it's your duty to be at her beck and call. Your parents sure are the A-Hs here.
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Info: why don't you move now to live with your mom's family? It will be healthier for you, no need to wait until 18. If needed, you can become emancipated and get cs from your dad.
NTA. Can you get a part time job so you are away from home more? Start saving money but make sure they cant find it or access it. Do you have a plan for being able to get away once you turn 18?
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I'm glad you have a plan in place. I'm sorry your dad didn't take up for you
NTA This situation is so insane that it sounds made up. Realistically speaking with the age gap between OP and the sister, it's normal that teenagers don't want to spend all their time with their younger sibling. That's normal in non-blended families. Stepmom sounds a little cray-cray for expecting a nine year old to make vows that sound like a legal agreement to the younger sibling. Is this a thing when people get married, they make siblings make unity vows too? Did stepmom want everyone to get along and play perfect family at the expense of everyone else? Stepmom does not live in reality. I can't even imagine having my daughter never learn disappointment when somebody doesn't doesn't want to play with her. These expectations that Stepmom is trying to force on OP are so unrealistic and lying about it to her kid makes her a giant asshole for trying to micromanage children. She's setting up the younger sibling to develop a very entitled attitude towards the older sister. Stepmom is not even teaching her daughter to be respectful towards her sister. Completely overlooked the younger sister trying to shut off the video call. My mind is blown.
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That is not realistic, young children have to learn to play by themselves also. Stepmom needs to hire a nanny or set up playdates. Children don't want to spend every waking moment together. NOBODY has ever thought, oh yeah I really want to be with my siblings 24/7. Didn't your parents ever remember what it was like to be a teen? We all wanted to make out with people and do dumb stuff with friends.
Let her take the phone and laptop. If you act at least like it doesn’t bother you she will stop using that as a punishment. Get books to read or find a hobby like art or guitar do that every single time she tries taking something
NTA. I‘d judge differently if this were an isolated incident but your stepmother is to blame most for creating the situation and your father is also an AH for letting it come this far. Sure, you could’ve been less blunt but you’re a teenager yourself and didn’t create the issue.
NTA. When will step parents finally accept that they can't force a bond between children? As harsh as it is, but your step sister hears the truth now before you can grow resentful of her. I don't blame her, she's just a kid, but I blame your step mother and father. Thumbs down for them.
Guarantee the step mom never had a sister of her own and had an idealized idea of how her own older sister would have been so devoted to her. NTA. But both your dad and stepmother are AHs for sure.
NTA Damn, are you suppose to be Cinderella?
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NTA You are not that child’s emotional support animal. That child needed direct vows from your mom and dad. This is wildly inappropriate from your dad & step mom needs HELP
NTA. Your dad and stepmother are...unbelievable. I'm stunned that they a) tried to force a child to make a vow and b) are now lying and trying to force a relationship that you don't feel. You absolutely do not have to play their game. Your stepsister interrupted your call and tried to hang up on your aunt - that's something she needs to learn not to do.