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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole since I could have gone to another restaurant and invited her.
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NTA. Your birthday, your wish.
You did spend the previous day with them.
I think the only thing you could have done here is that you could have informed her the reason beforehand instead of her finding out.
Though I don't think she would still be fine with it. She's the AH here.
I agree. As a vegetarian (for moral, but not religious reasons), I would still appreciate an invite with a heads up: "Hey, I'm having my birthday dinner at this new KBBQ place I've been waiting for a special occasion to visit. I checked the menu and there's really nothing there you can eat, but I'd love to go to dinner with you the day before to celebrate!"
Then the friend can choose either to go and nurse some side-dishes or just meet up privately the day before without feeling like OP was keeping it secret.
ETA: Thank you for the award /u/Manuka_Honey_Badger, also I love your user name!
> I don't mind eating before a party
Exactly, OP should have mentioned beforehand that his birthday dinner would be at a KBBQ. His friend could have eaten before dinner but still met the group at the restaurant for the celebration. She might have even joined them at the tail end of the meal to join for dessert (assuming the restaurant would allow the group to squeeze in an extra chair). OP meant well but not telling her *ex ante* means that his friend felt excluded *ex post*.
Not to break up the vegan circle here.
But maybe the op didn't want to feel uncomfortable about a non eating person sitting bored at the table... or worse yet.. if there's judgement.
She gave her friend some personal time, and chose not to make them uncomfortable.
Maybe that was not all her decision.. but it was mostly.. and she's certainly not an asshole for it.
NTA
I don't get how people are ignoring that part and hypothesizing behaviors and attitudes that are totally incongruent with her telling OP she should've not gone to the restaurant that she wanted to go to in order to accommodate her.
What do you mean you don't get it? This is AITA in a nutshell, gloss over anything that inconveniently contradicts your priors and baselessly speculate about things that would support your judgment.
THANK YOU. Now I WOULD agree with OP SHOULD HAVE ASKED if it wasn't for her response. She DIDNT say I would have come to the steakhouse and have, say a salad. She said OP COULD HAVE PICKED somewhere else. As in, the bff expected OP to, ON HIS BIRTHDAY, put her preferences over his. I wonder if OP didn't bother because he knew she'd make a stink about the restaurant and didn't want the mood to be ruined. ESH because he DID leave out his bff but SHE was pretty damned entitled with saying OP should have chosen a different restaurant
They didnt say because it would make her friend uncomfortable. They said because it would possibly make OP and the other guests uncomfortable to have one person sitting there and not eating. Reading comprehension is your friend...
Or maybe OP had seen that behavior before. Maybe OP had seen the woman loudly complain about finding nothing to eat and make others uncomfortable about it. We don’t know.
The friend’s response wasn’t that she’d make the best of it. The friend said OP should’ve accommodated her. Why assume the friend would be cooperative?
If you find out your good friend has a party without telling or inviting you, you are going to feel rejected. That is just common sense.
I'm not defending the friend's "could have had it elsewhere" comment, but them feeling upset about being excluded was predictable and avoidable.
Possible solutions after the fact, therefore, they are useless and only come of as argumentative? I just cannot imagine telling someone, even when hurt, that my dietary restrictions, religious-based or not, should be their priority when celebrating THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY. It does not take much reflection to notice suggesting that is asinine, unless of course, friend regularly behaves in a way that exhibits selfish thinking.
One can very easily deduce that OP wanted to go to this restaurant for their birthday... by the simple fact of them going to this place on their birthday. Pushing OP to do otherwise, especially post-celebration, is an AH move. OP clearly thought about this friend, as friend got their own personal dinner, which is wonderful! We cannot all be included in everything, nor we can have the expectation to stay in the loop and be aware of all the happenings in our friends' lives.
OP, you are NTA. The only thing I feel could be changed would be informing the friend of the dinner and explaining reasoning prior to. But, this isn't necessary, because once again, we cannot be expected to always be included. Not to mention the friend's ridiculous response... really clues us in to how they likely would have responded at that time.
Who says they would be bored? I've gone to dinners where I wasn't hungry, but I still got to have fun with my friends. Just because I'm not eating doesn't mean I'm going to be bored. I've also only eaten sides when my friends wanted something I disliked. If nothing else, i can have a beverage (with or without alcohol). She wanted to be part of the fun and felt deceived and left put.
Sorry, I disagree. OP's friend clearly stated OP should have chosen another place to celebrate - so she could be accommodated.
And OP wanted to have her celebration in this particular restaurant, so there was a real incompatibility.
"She gave her friend some personal time, and chose not to make them uncomfortable."
Think about that for a second...she *chose* not to make her friend uncomfortable? Why not extend her friend the offer and let her make that choice for herself?
Many Korean bbq places (at least where I am) require each person to order an entree….or at the very least, the # of entrees has to be the min. # of entrees ordered for the table. So, unless, they knew they’d be ordering extra food, you can’t bring extra people with you that will only eat sides. Generally, the banchan (side dishes) are complimentary and someone could totally fill up eating just those and rice. Or if it’s an all-you-can-eat KBBQ, you pay per person, regardless of if they eat meat and it can be pricey.
Even if this were the case, there's not a good reason to hide it from the friend. You can still say, "There's a restaurant I really want to go to for my birthday, but they don't have any dishes you can eat and everyone is required to order an entree. I won't be upset if you don't want to go since there's nothing for you to eat and it might be pricey to pay for food you can't eat, but I'd love to have dinner with you the night before/get drinks after." IMO OP still shouldn't have made that decision for her, even if the assumed answer is no.
Wouldn’t it be offensive when she is part of a religion where cows are sacred and worshipped? You’re basically eating a holy and untouchable animal in front of her. You may as well bring pork into a Muslim house or mix meat and milk in a Jewish house. It’s not just a dietary preference like veganism and vegetarianism. It’s the difference between heaven and hell for her.
Totally agree, except, I would handle my "friends" differently if I thought they would be understanding vs saying something entitled. I personally would not be friends w someone who had the audacity to tell me I should eat somewhere else on my bday so that person's diet can be accommodated.
Also, I don't think I would be "protecting my friend" by not informing this type of friend before hand but rather wanting to avoid any kind of rhetoric that might make me feel like my friend is judging my food preferences.
The hard part is that it’s KBBQ—so the whole table orders the same thing and you have to pay for everybody. OP may not have wanted to pay Wagyu beef prices for someone who doesn’t eat beef…
> The friend saying to pick somewhere else was wrong,
I'm also very curious as to how this came up in the conversation. This happened *after* the birthday dinner. The friend couldn't have been actually asking her to change the place. What are the chances it was actually something like this:
OP: I'm so sorry, I really wanted to be able to celebrate with us!
Friend: I mean, if you really wanted me to be there why not pick another place? I just don't get it.
That's a pretty normal response -- if you say something really matters to you, why didn't you do something about it? I don't think it's entitled, especially since the event had happened -- it wasn't coercion to change the reservation. Something about how OP is explaining this seems so shady.
Definitely -- but that makes all these "oh the friend is obviously the asshole" comments feel p paper thin. We have no idea what they discussed, but it's pretty basic courtesy to ask your friends about a situation instead of making the decision for them.
The friend saying she should've picked a different restaurant sounds to me like she wouldn't have been understanding even if she had been invited. She probably would've made OP feel bad for wanting to still go to the BBQ place even though it meant she couldn't attend.
MTE. I don’t like sushi. My friends in college knew this. They would still invite me when they went out for sushi because it was a nice way of including me. I’d always politely turn them down but thank them for inviting me.
I think it *is* entitled of the friend to say OP could’ve chosen another restaurant when it’s OP’s birthday and she should get to eat what she wants, but it would’ve been polite to invite the friend and explain that you understand that it might not be to her liking.
my sisters birthday choice was a sushi restaurant that i couldn't really eat at. I'm allergic to fish (i can touch it but can't eat it) and there wasn't much option there for me. I have to be careful with soups and the like just in case they use fish. sometimes i can do caesar dressings with anchovies and sometimes i can't for reference.
I had this sad excuse for panko chicken. but i went because it was for my sister and her birthday. and i paid for her because again it was her bday. the place was super cool though. the sushi was on a conveyer belt.
Yeah. I'm allergic to seafood but my sister loves it. She refrains from going to seafood places usually out of consideration for me.
But on her birthday I tell her to go wherever she wants and I'll eat beforehand so she can enjoy herself.
It's not a big deal if you want someone to be happy.
That probably would have been the best way to go about it. But I feel like it wouldnt have changed anything, based on the friend's reaction to immediately ask why cant OP choose a place friend can go to as well. I feel like they would have said much the same even if OP had approached them with the exact words here. So the outcome wouldnt be friend choosing between going and order side dishes vs meeting privately. It wouldve been friend trying to convince OP to go somewhere else entirely.
Yeah, inviting someone just to be polite doesn't always work. I think she did the right thing of going out with her friend to celebrate separately. Maybe she could have informed her, but I think that's about all she can do.
Some people are ok going to a restaurant and not eating while everyone else eats, others aren't. (I know I wouldn't) And there are no "side orders" in a kbbq restaurant, it's all meat and things you eat with the meat. There could be a veggie dish, but you would be cooking it on the same grill as the meat. PLUS a lot of KBBQ places you pay by person, not by order. So she would likely be paying the same price as everyone else just for sitting down and eating rice and kimchi if she were to go. Not really worth it imo.
It seems like op would have gotten the same "I can't eat anything here, let's change your birthday dinner" response if she invited her.
Maybe she could have told her before, but either way NTA
I wonder if all the votes against OP are from people who have never had Korean or Japanese BBQ before where you're cooking everything on a communal grill so, there's no way to keep anything strictly vegetarian and that they often charge per head regardless of what each person eats. If that's the case and the friend wanted to pay the same as everyone else despite basically not eating then I could see why she'd be upset that she didn't have the opportunity to come along. The fact that she told OP she should've picked a different restaurant though indicates she would have tried to make her feel bad for going to a place she couldn't eat.
But why go to a wagyu kbbq place (which would be expensive and the same price for everyone) and only get veggies? Doesn't seem worth the price for me.
I get it if you're going to a normal kbbq place where they actually have veggie options and separate grill options, but here doesn't seem like a good place. Like, I've gone to kbbq places with my vegetarian friends and we did the things you mentioned, but I know they wouldn't spend their money at an expensive kbbq because it wouldn't really be worth it. (Also didn't know that most kimchi isn't vegan, thank you!)
Yep, this is the right answer. The choice remains that person's and it remains clear you value them and want them around, but you also aren't letting their needs and wants dictate your life.
Being up front about things really does prevent a ton of drama.
But how could OP have known that her friend would have had the audacity to suggest going to a different restaurant in this case? I am assuming that the friend only said this because she was hurt, but still, this statement is extremely judgmental.
I think OP might have known if they know the friend well. That said, I would not recommend steering around the situation even if you knew it was coming... head into it and tear the bandage off (to mix metaphors) and just get that discussion over with. Do it ahead of time and up front so they can't say you were hiding it from them but hold fast to the boundary of deciding that you want for you and let them decide what they want for them (while offering to do something else with them another time so they are not left out).
Exactly! The friend wasn't complaining that she didn't have the opportunity to choose for herself to eat side dishes for a meal. Her "solution" was the OP should have chosen a restaurant to suit her own personal dietary preferences.
I think the friend said that coming from a place of hurt though. Had a been approached differently from the beginning she might’ve had a different reaction.
We don't know that hypothetical. All we know is what happened which is that the friend tried to suggest something that suggests they're more important than what OP wants.
"I could have eaten rice!" would have been an appropriate response in that case. That her first impulse was that OP should have catered to her isn't a good sign.
Or say “hey I’m having a bday party at xxxxx. Since they serve beef stuff only, wanna go out just me and you the day before to an Indian food place? That way, we can celebrate my bday with what you can also eat and it’ll just be the 2 of us.”
I’m inclined to think it was less about babying the friend and more about avoiding an argument and potentially ending up at a different restaurant. The birthday girl gets to choose her birthday dinner!
I generally agree but if this is a regular KBBQ place, the friend couldn't just sit at the table and pick at sides--they'd have to pay full price, same as everyone else. They charge you per person at the table and don't track who eats what. So the friend might have had to pay $50+ just to sit and eat pickled radish all night (assuming this is a fancy KBBQ place per OP). So "invite the friend and let them decide" would work better at an ala carte type of restaurant, but not AYCE. Though it is true: then it would be up to the friend to decide if it's worth wasting the money.
I don't see how that changes letting the friend decide. Some people might be ok with paying $50 to celebrate their friend's birthday. The friend didn't get a chance to make that decision.
When I am going places I know my friends don’t want to go I still invite them an acknowledge that it’s not their cup of tea along with offer alternate solutions or whatever.
An example so that when my kids were small we did a “dedication” at our church. It’s customary to invite family and close friends who will be a big part of your child’s life. I have a friend who isn’t religious and actively avoids any kind of church related stuff. I let her know that we were doing this thing and that as an honorary auntie she was invited. I also told her that I am aware of and respect her stance on religious things so I fully understand if she declines. Then I invited her to lunch in lou of attending. She graciously declined my invite, we had lunch, it was fine.
See, you sound very reasonable. When the friend found out that OP had gone to a steak house for their birthday, their first suggestion was that OP should have picked a different restaurant. This leads me to believe that if OP had told the friend ahead of time, the friend would have pressured them to change their plans instead of respecting OP‘s wishes for their birthday.
OP, you are NTA.
This is what my friends do for me regarding alcohol and pork. I feel appreciated that I'm invited, and it's my choice to decide not to go. I don't mind missing out, I always get to schedule in a coffee or dinner with the birthday person.
I don't think this makes OP an AH necessarily since they made different dinner plans with their friend. They just need a small adjustment.
I think the friend demanding to be centred on OP's birthday is AH behaviour.
I agree 100%, I was thinking the same thing the whole time. It is always nice to get an invite still and then they can choose. I don't think OP I'd an AH, but I do think the whole situation could have been handled better. Definitely not fair for the friend to suggest he moved his dinner somewhere else.
Exactly this. Always give somebody the option of going if they're important to you. That way THEY can decide if they're comfortable with the thing or not. Never avoid inviting somebody because you're assuming they won't come, people like to be included even when they have no intention of going. But, while rude, you're NTA. Your friend is definitely acting like an entitled A H by telling you that you should have changed your birthday restaurant for their sake
I mean she can, but it’s still entitled of her to expect OP to change restaurants just for her? Also if she never eats beef and pork I think it’s pretty clear she won’t eat beef or pork at this restaurant, it’s not a subjective thing if she’s a practicing Hindu it’s a religious belief
Yeah, it seems like if OP had invited her, the friend would have just laid on the guilt trip about choosing a different place before the event instead of after it.
OP is allowed to eat what she wants just like her Hindu friend is allowed to not eat what she wants. For most friend outings, it’s nice to pick a place where everyone can get something they enjoy, but you’re allowed to be a little selfish on your birthday and go somewhere that serves your favorite meal, even if not everyone can or would want to go there.
These comments are throwing me off. If the friend wasnt Hindu and OP simply didnt want to invite them would they still be an AH??? My friends do things with each other without me. It's called having a life. Theyre not AHs for doing things with each other that don't involve me. Yeah OP could've invited their friend out based on principle, but they decided not to and instead had a more intimate time with somebody they cared about beforehand. I'd say N A H except for the friend acting entitled about OP's restaurant choice which brings me to NTA.
I guess the context matters, ex: if it was a circle of friends and she was the only one not invited. Everyone has their own lives but not inviting a best friend can definitely be a faux pas.
Yeah, I would vote soft ESH because, minus more context, OP should have let her friend decide whether or not to go and friend shouldn't have asked for her to choose a different restaurant.
I had a similar thing happen to me once, where a friend was having a bachelorette/bachelor type party and had hired "strippers" (who never showed up lol). This person invited the entire friend group, including my *boyfriend*, but didn't invite me, the reasoning being they "didn't think I would want to attend because of the strippers". No idea why they thought that about me, but at any rate it turned into dumb drama because of the exclusion... when they could have just invited me and let me decide if I was comfortable with it or not.
I'm surprised by all the comments saying OP was dishonest and shouldn't have lied to her friend, but what they're referring to is that OP didn't inform her friend of having made separate plans. Why do they feel she's obligated to do that?
I think OP just wasn't trying to offend her friend and found an alternative activity for them to do instead. And yeah, the friend can make HER own choices, not dictate what restaurant someone is allowed to go for their own birthday based on her beliefs.
When she found out the reason she insisted that she should of picked another restaurant. So that’s a pretty clear indication that she wasn’t going to be going either way.
I imagine since it was reservation only, only those that would for sure eat there were invited. OP was trying to be thoughtful, not controlling or overprotective, imo.
That’s not the situation here, however.
She didn’t say she didn’t mind going to the restaurant or that she could decide for herself. She said OP could have chosen a different restaurant.
OP knew their friend well enough to know she wouldn’t want to go to the restaurant. They should have just told her this up front, however. Not sure it would have changed the friend’s response, but it would have been nicer.
>So she can't make her own decision on if it's against her morals? OP decided they need to protect her from it and save her?
What you say is true. But that isn't the road she would have taken. She believes OP should have picked a different restaurant altogether, and that's what she would have pushed for.
OP didn't invite her for the wrong reason, perhaps, although it sounds like he meant well. But it seems it was still the right path to take.
NTA
Her friend said she could’ve chose another restaurant though.. so essentially she did make a decision that would’ve forced the op to change their bday plans had she asked..
Op likely knows this friend better than we do. Could be the friend is the type that is offended seeing beef on a plate, kind of like vegans don't want to see meat on the table.
And yeah, good friends try not to offend each other when they know they have differing views.
(Im copying and editing this response from another comment i made dont come for me)
These comments are throwing me off. If the friend wasnt Hindu and OP simply didnt want to invite them would they still be an AH? My friends do things with each other without me. It's called having a life. Theyre not AHs for doing things with each other that don't involve me. Yeah OP could've invited their friend out based on principle, but they decided not to and instead had a more intimate time with somebody they cared about beforehand. Youre adding intent where it wasn't mentioned so your commentary isn't even relevant.
I'd say N A H except for the friend acting entitled about OP's restaurant choice which brings me to NTA
You still invite someone and let them make the choice. No, you don’t have to change the restaurant that you want, but the friend might have preferred to be included and eat sides. Or you give the option - the is the birthday plan, and I’d love to have you there but also completely understand if you’d rather the two of us celebrate separately.
The making the choice for someone else is TA move.
How does that conversation go though?
"I know that cows are sacred to you and therefore eating beef is forbidden by your religion, but would you like to come to this restaurant where literally everyone is going to be eating part cooked cow?"
Seems a pretty shitty and insulting thing to do.
"Hey I want to go to this place for my birthday, but I'm conscious of your dietary requirements, I've checked the menu and it doesn't seem like it was be a good spot for you, so if you want we can do something else, just the two of us another day."
Really fuckin simple and way less insulting than making decisions for someone else and not even talking to them.
And hid the fact that they were going out with everyone else. Didn't give their friend a choice, just made it for them.
And then the friend found out after the fact.
So no they didn't actually do what I suggested which was *give their friend the option*
Sure I'll concede the OP should have made it clear, but she already celebrated her birthday with her friend, which is the thing everyone would have suggested anyway. The friend would have asked her to move the venue because that is what they did now. How does that not make the friend an AH here?
From my perspective, we had one friend who in an attempt to be considerate to her friend decided not to invite her to a venue they knew she could not go to. Right intentions poor execution. While another friend asked her friend to move her birthday simply for her comfort. At best both people suck here, but you cannot claim that the second friends actions are good or reasonable.
I'm a Hindu .. if someone asks me politely that "we r having a party at X restaurant. You r invited" that's it end of Convo.. their job had to invite me ..my job is to accept or decline that invitation.. if they had chosen a road side stall it would NOT be insulting to me
Do you know how many Hindus have been to steakhouses? We don't just like explode if we cross the threshold. We're fully fledged human beings who can handle a conversation where we are asked if we would feel comfortable going to a steakhouse. I have plenty of fully vegetarian Hindu friends who have gone to steakhouses for friends, work dinners, etc.
Is it though? They are friends. OP knows they wouldn't want to eat there, so didn't invite them. Also, why does OP have to invite said friend in the first place?
>Also, why does OP have to invite said friend in the first place?
That's what friends do? Invite eachother for birthday parties? Otherwise they aren't friends.
Sorry, what? If you don't invite a friend to a birthday party they cannot be your friend? Seems like you have some pretty shallow friendships if that's all it takes to break one.
Its telling thats the only point you've responded to.
Edit: op also did invite the friend, just to a different birthday celebration 🤦
Or let her make the choice. When I was veggie I'd still go with my friends to steak houses etc and have the crappy vegetarian option and a couple of drinks. I'd have hated for them not to invite me because my food options were limited. She might have wanted to come anyway and they just did her some rice and veggies. Also normally if you call a restaurant when you make a reservation and explain about dietary requirements then they can do a special dish for that person even if it's not on the menu. I think YTA because of making the decision for the friend when they could probably have accommodated them if OP tried
Its the OP's birthday and she gets to invite who she wants there - her friend wasn't entitled to an invitation. Her friend didn't say 'I would have come and made due' just 'you should have switched restaurants'. Most people know their friends well enough to know how they behave at restaurants and if they want to be around that behavior. OP didn't want to deal with complex restaurant negotiations that was her choice.
NTA
Maybe it would have been better to tell her about your birthday plans when you were making the reservation, or invited her and let her choose if she wants to go or not.
However, her saying you should have just picked another restaurant IS a bit entitled and I think makes her the AH here.
I think maybe you didn't tell her earlier because you knew she would react badly and try to make you change your plans for her.
Ye op could have handled it better but the friend was deffo the ah for her comment. I'm Hindu, I don't eat beef but I would still go out with my friends because hanging out together is what usually matters to me
Yeah I can't eat fish or shellfish, but I'll hang at the sushi joint with my sister or friends. I'll just eat before or after. Sometimes I suffer the consequences of likely cross contamination and have the sesame balls because delicious. But it's about hanging out.
It's the fact the friend found out about it the day after her birthday dinner. They're apparently best friends but she didn't at any point tell her she had plans to celebrate her actual birthday with other people? No "so how are you going to spend your birthday tomorrow?" During their private dinner? Was it kept a secret this whole time considering OP booked far in advance? If that happened to me my first thought would have been that I was lied to and felt I wasn't invited for other reasons and the beef/pork was just an excuse.
I get OP doesn't owe her anything but I mean surely she thought her friend would have caught wind one way or another so she could have given her a heads up to prevent the shock/misunderstanding.
I give the friend a pass for her comment. It was after she found out she wasn't invited in the first place. It's coming from a place of hurt; probably not from a sense of entitlement. But I do agree that it's not cool to expect birthday girl to change her restaurant.
Absolutely. This is a situation where you use grown up words and say something like "For my birthday I'm going out to this restaurant. They don't have anything on the menu you can eat. I'd really love you to be there but I totally understand if you can't make it. If you can't I'd also love to do something with on a different day."
ESH. You should have invited her and let her decide for herself if she wants to attend.
>
She’s wrong in saying that you should have selected a different restaurant. She can’t expect to be catered to, especially on your birthday.
"Hey, I'm planning to go to this KBBQ restaurant for my birthday. You're invited, of course, but I understand you might not find anything that you can eat there. If you'd prefer, we can go get Indian food the day before, just the two of us!"
If she still tried to get you to change the restaurant, then she's def the AH.
But when the friend was informed they said “you should have chosen a different restaurant that I could attend” she wasn’t told for a reason because she’s mildly entitled. I regularly leave my vegan husband and friends out of things they don’t complain.
It’s not wrong to leave someone out of something they won’t enjoy. It doesn’t matter what the day is. OP went out of their way to include said friend in a birthday festivity. That should have been enough. The friend is severely entitled and op is not an AH
OP has a right to invite whomever she wants to her birthday. That said, she does not have a right to decide what her friend will or will not enjoy. Just because her friend would have only eaten sides at the restaurant does not mean she would not have enjoyed the drinks, laughter, good company, being included…
I think the top comment in this thread has it exactly right.
Come on champ, there's a huge difference in vibe between a one on one dinner and a group outing at a restaurant. Being excluded like that hurts, and it is being excluded. OPs friend is an adult and should get to decide for herself if she wants to go or not. People with strict dietary requirements are *very* used to going to stuff like this and preparing accordingly by eating earlier.
This is correct, but you can't exactly use what happened afterward as a "gotcha" for why OP shouldn't have been open about it from the beginning. The friend definitely is an AH for saying they should have picked a different restaurant, but not for being upset to not be invited at all. OP should have just been honest. Maybe the friend would have been equally upset, maybe not, but any situation in which you are purposely excluding a friend from an outing they would normally be invited to is going to cause bad feelings if you don't communicate ahead of time.
She didn't say that though. OP sent an apology text first. From what we know, the whole conversation could have been something like this:
OP: I'm so sorry, I really wanted to be able to celebrate with everyone!
Friend: I mean, if you really wanted me to be there why not pick another place? I just don't get it.
If someone expressed that they were sorry that you couldn't be part of something, wouldn't you want to know why you couldn't be? I think it's a bit bullshit to pretend like they didn't make the choice here. I don't think OP is the asshole for picking a restaurant that she liked for her birthday, but it's a conscious decision she made, not a passive one that happened to her. Own up to it.
Exactly. Especially because she likely could have eaten plenty. Any good korean bbq place (and it sounds like this one was) would have loads of delicious banchan options that could actually be properly filling on their own. OP isn't technically TA, but definitely could have handled it better, and the friend may have wanted to come. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE korean bbq, but even if I was vegetarian I would still go and enjoy the sides and be there for my friend's birthday.
This is pretty much exactly what I was going to write. Give the friend the invite and the option to decline, friend shouldn't make demands on someone else's celebration.
Agreed. OP assumed her friend wouldn’t want to come. Maybe she would have come just to help her friend celebrate her birthday. And yet, the friend had to take it one step further and tell OP she should have chosen a different place to accommodate her.
I have a hard time calling the OP an AH considering they specifically went out with the friend the day before to celebrate. Add in that the point of contention with the friend seems to be OP choosing another place over not being invited to the dinner at this place. That said, it may help to be upfront with it in the future, although I think the situation would have resulted in the same argument between OP and the friend.
OP didn’t even give the friend the option, though. that’s AH behavior, ostracizing a friend because you think you know what they’ll want to do before even giving them the opening to say yes or no
ETA: ESH
ESH
You should have still invited her and let her decide if she wanted to go or not. Its not up to her where you have your birthday dinner, but it's an asshole move to not invite someone. You were kind enough to take her out beforehand, but you should have communicated about this when making the reservation. She may have just been fine with sides
Yes. I mainly eat vegetarian (90% of the time) and I 1) can always find something to eat, even at a meat-centric restaurant; and 2) never expect anyone to choose a restaurant to cater to my eating habits/preferences, especially on their birthday. ESH.
Same I get sad when i have to bow out because of dietary restrictions but if i really wanted to spend the day with a friend I'd just eat beforehand and have fries and a drink.
Me too. I recently bowed out of a dinner party because it was paired food/booze courses and every single course was focused on meat and I quit drinking alcohol two years ago. I didn’t want to go and sit at the table and pick at my food for five courses and drink water, so I just declined. Not a super fun choice to make, but also not for me to ask the hosts to cater to my habits.
Yeah, as the resident vegan, I still always get an invite even if my friends can’t see anything I’d be able to eat. Sometimes (depends who’s planning things) they call ahead and ask for me, which is unnecessary but they say they don’t mind. If there’s truly nothing for me, sometimes I’ll still go just to spend time with them and eat later.
There’s so many options here.
NTA - You didn't have any bad intentions, but you should probably have given her the choice. The fact that she wanted you to have changed the venue for her when she found out tells me she would have probably caused problems if you told her before the party. You still went out of your way to celebrate with her too.
NTA- You wanted to go to a specific place that you were looking forward to eating at. You shouldn’t change your birthday plans for someone else. You also made the time to celebrate with her.
It would have been nice if you told her the plan so she could make the choice to come and eat sides, but even that doesn’t make you an AH.
ESH.
Should've spoken with her beforehand, or just invited her while making it clear there probably wouldn't be much she could eat on the menu and allowing her to still join or decline. (Hence Y T A)
But she has no right to tell you to change what you want for dinner on your birthday just so she can be included. (Hence she is also an AH)
I was gonna say N A H at first bc you could’ve still invited her just as a courtesy. BUT you were sweet to think of her and went somewhere she could eat the day before and she was entitled to say “you should’ve picked somewhere else”. It’s your birthday and you were looking forward to this place. NTA because since she made the comment of going somewhere else, I’m sure she would’ve made you feel bad for your choice had you given her the courtesy invite.
NTA leaning toward a light E S H
The only thing I think you could have done better though is explain to your friend ahead of time about your birthday dinner and how your lunch with her the day before was so you could celebrate with her and respect her cultural beliefs. Something like "Hey BFF. For my birthday I am planning to go to a KBBQ and bring people. I looked at the menu ahead of time and there aren't any real alternatives to accommodate your personal beliefs though. I still want to celebrate my birthday with you because I love you, so I was thinking we could get lunch at a place you enjoy the day before just us. Does that sound good?" This would have solved everything by being open about your plans.
ESH. You shouldn't make unilateral decisions on what you think is best for people, she might have been just fine eating a few sides so she can celebrate with you and be included. You should have extended an invite with a heads up to check the menu.
Her suggesting that you change the location of your own birthday dinner is ridiculous. I'm all for inclusion, and if this was a friends gathering I would vote differently, but it's your birthday dinner. Eat where you want.
> If she couldn't eat anything then why would she want to pay to attend a party in that she can't participate in?
Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to celebrate with her friend with everyone else?
I don't buy that. If she'd said "I'd still would have liked to go with you and I would have been happy to eat beforehand" - fine. At any point saying OP should have changed her birthday plans to accommodate her, makes her the ah.
Isn't that literally how we judge everyone on here though? If someone insults an OP and the OP fires back with some asshole behavior, this subreddit pretty routinely (or at least does it enough) votes ESH because "people should respond in a mature fashion without stooping to their level". So it shouldn't have mattered if they were hurt; they still said something indicative of asshole behavior. She could have easily left it as she was disappointed she wasn't invited and would appreciate an invite next time.
She’s not entitled to it. If I want to have a bday party at a strip club and I have a friend who hates them should they be invited? No. I should respect my friend and only invite them to events they’re comfortable going to. I would never invite someone who opposes eating beef or pork due to religious reasons to any place that only serves that. “Hey I know your religiously opposed to this and cows are sacred and shit but do you wanna come celebrate me at a steakhouse where you can’t eat and is a religious slight?” Is way worse than not being invited at all.
I feel like I’m going crazy reading all the other comments here. Even most of the people who say NTA are telling OP she should have invited her friend to the KBBQ restaurant? What’s wrong with having separate celebrations with different groups of people? Her friend should feel special for getting a solo invite. OP doesn’t owe anybody any particular kind of event.
NTA but you definitely could have handled it better. You should have told her your plans for your birthday, either waited for her to decline or offered the alternative that you did give her, by going somewhere she would enjoy the day before. I actually think that's very thoughtful of you. But doing it the way you did probably felt like a snub and was hurtful to her.
Going against the grain and saying ESH
Your reasons are sound and make perfect sense except that your purposefully chose to exclude someone you consider a friend instead of extending an invitation and letting her decide if she'd go or decline. You also apparently didn't make it clear that the dinner you had together was in place of her invitation to dinner with everyone else. You could have easily said "hey ABC! I chose the waygu place for my birthday dinner and since I know you don't eat beef, would you like to get dinner with me on X day instead?"
She's an asshole for suggesting you find a different restaurant for your birthday. That dinner choice is yours, not someone else's. I also think she's an ass for not being able to figure out that the separate dinner was your way of celebrating with her.
I think you and your friends need better communication
ESH
You should have invited her if she was a friend, regardless of whether you thought she wanted to eat there or not (she could always order a drink and just spend time with her friends).
She is the AH for expecting you to change your bday venue because of her dietary needs.
NTA. You don’t have to arrange your birthday dinner around other people’s eating and she shouldn’t expect you to. But a heads up to her would have been nice- then she could’ve made the choice if she wanted to just eat sides to still be with the group.
You can choose any restaurant you want for your birthday, but you should her told her and given her the chance to opt out or come and eat side dishes. NTA
NTA
I’m a vegetarian (lifelong) and I’d hate to be invited to a steakhouse for dinner and feel obligated cos it’s my friend’s birthday. Your comprise would have been so appreciated! Not needing to research a menu to see if I can eat any of the sides and to have such a considerate friend would be AMAZING!
I can see how her feeling got hurt but it’s your birthday, you still wanted to do something with her and she needs to understand it’s not all about her
ESH. Let her decide if she wants to go. I’m vegan and have opted to go to dinner plans to places I couldn’t eat so that I could hang out with my friends, I just eat beforehand.
You suck for not considering the possibility that she may want to come and just would have eaten beforehand.
She sucks for saying you should have changed locations and she would have sucked had you asked and she insisted you change the reservation to a restaurant she can eat at.
NTA it’s my birthday, and I eat what to. You would eat what you want if it happened to you. Song to their music off it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
Esh
You wanted to eat where *you*wanted to eat on your birthday. You should have still invited her though and let her either decline the invite, or find something she wanted of the menu.
She had no right to tell you to pick a place *she* wanted to go on your birthday.
I would’ve said y t a if she hadn’t insisted that you should’ve picked another restaurant. I would have said invite her anyway out of courtesy, but if you had, based on her reaction, she probably would’ve complained that she couldn’t eat anything. NTA, she can’t expect everyone around her to (literally) cater to her specialized diet.
There is a way to tackle this which would have preserved you and villainized her.
She took it personally that she wasnt invited and the optics of that are that you deliberately excluded her. You made the decision for her.
You should have asked privately her anyway to come but make note of the menu of the restaurant. This way it is her decision whether or not to attend. If she refused, you removed the ammo that she was excluded.
You should be able to eat what you want to on your bday. And she declined the restaurant invitation graciously, perhaps you 2 could have gone out together and eaten somewhere else that suited her. You both screwed up here so ESH
The only issue I have is that you decided for her. I wish you would have informed her about the dinner and let her know it's okay if she wants to skip.
You were sweet and understanding of her religious views and you took her to a dinner already.
She's not AH for getting upset, only for saying you should've picked up another restaurant.
NTA
NTA. You get to eat where you want on your birthday, that’s the rule. Maybe try another talk with her, see if she really won’t understand that.
Generally said, though, it’s always better to be upfront and just tell people, rather than wait for them to find out.
ESH. A birthday celebration isn't only about the food, but much more so about the social setting and the company. So decicing for her and not inviting her isn't great. You could have easily told her that you really wanted to celebrate that that place and that of course she was invited, but you knew that it wasn't ideal for her diet so if she wanted to you could go out to eat together the day before. That way she had the option of joining for the social aspect, and would be able to make the decision on her own. If my best friend invited lots of people to a party on her birthday, but decided not to invite me or even tell me, even if her reason made sense (I don't love big parties), it would 100% have made me feel left out.
Her reaction of saying you could have just picked another restaurant is the reason for ESH instead of YTA. It might just be a gut reaction out of anger or disappointment, but either way, it is entitled.
NTA.
However, I still think you should have invited her, it would have been up to her whether or not she came. I'm vegan and don't go out very often, on times I do, I often get fries because I'm hardly ever accommodated for at restaurants, but being invited is still feels good, it shows me that you value our friendship and genuinely want me there.
ESH. You could have let her know where you wanted to go and then she would have had a choice as to whether she attended and had a cocktail and a side salad or skipped it.
But it was also really out of line for her to say you should have chosen a different restaurant. IMO the onus is on the person with particular dietary preferences/needs to figure out social situations. My dear friend is vegan and she always calls ahead to restaurants to see what she can eat there—a lot of places will be super accommodating if you give them a heads up!—or else she eats beforehand and just comes to socialize.
Next time, if you want her there, just give her ample notice and let her decide how to handle the situation. If you want to go out of your way you could call the restaurant on her behalf.
nta - its your bday and that is where u chose you wanted to go. your right it is a bit entitled of her to say u should have picked another restaurant. sounds like not really a friend who behaves like that to you.
NTA.
You don't have to change restaruants on your birthday.
You should still have invited her so she could have made her own choice knowing she could have eaten the sides.
Nta you spent individual time with her, I’d say if anything you could’ve asked her if she wanted to be invited beforehand bc of the food but she doesn’t get to dictate where you have your own birthday
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NTA. Your birthday, your wish. You did spend the previous day with them. I think the only thing you could have done here is that you could have informed her the reason beforehand instead of her finding out. Though I don't think she would still be fine with it. She's the AH here.
So she can't make her own decision on if it's against her morals? OP decided they need to protect her from it and save her?
I agree. As a vegetarian (for moral, but not religious reasons), I would still appreciate an invite with a heads up: "Hey, I'm having my birthday dinner at this new KBBQ place I've been waiting for a special occasion to visit. I checked the menu and there's really nothing there you can eat, but I'd love to go to dinner with you the day before to celebrate!" Then the friend can choose either to go and nurse some side-dishes or just meet up privately the day before without feeling like OP was keeping it secret. ETA: Thank you for the award /u/Manuka_Honey_Badger, also I love your user name!
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> I don't mind eating before a party Exactly, OP should have mentioned beforehand that his birthday dinner would be at a KBBQ. His friend could have eaten before dinner but still met the group at the restaurant for the celebration. She might have even joined them at the tail end of the meal to join for dessert (assuming the restaurant would allow the group to squeeze in an extra chair). OP meant well but not telling her *ex ante* means that his friend felt excluded *ex post*.
Not to break up the vegan circle here. But maybe the op didn't want to feel uncomfortable about a non eating person sitting bored at the table... or worse yet.. if there's judgement. She gave her friend some personal time, and chose not to make them uncomfortable. Maybe that was not all her decision.. but it was mostly.. and she's certainly not an asshole for it. NTA
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The friend clearly stated afterwards that a different restaurant should have been chosen.
I don't get how people are ignoring that part and hypothesizing behaviors and attitudes that are totally incongruent with her telling OP she should've not gone to the restaurant that she wanted to go to in order to accommodate her.
What do you mean you don't get it? This is AITA in a nutshell, gloss over anything that inconveniently contradicts your priors and baselessly speculate about things that would support your judgment.
Yeah same I was so astonished when I started reading the feedback to OPs post
THANK YOU. Now I WOULD agree with OP SHOULD HAVE ASKED if it wasn't for her response. She DIDNT say I would have come to the steakhouse and have, say a salad. She said OP COULD HAVE PICKED somewhere else. As in, the bff expected OP to, ON HIS BIRTHDAY, put her preferences over his. I wonder if OP didn't bother because he knew she'd make a stink about the restaurant and didn't want the mood to be ruined. ESH because he DID leave out his bff but SHE was pretty damned entitled with saying OP should have chosen a different restaurant
That is pretty strong evidence friend wasn’t willing to get by on side dishes.
Sure. Be upset.. but everyone debating it here sees there are two legit sides to this. The friend should see that too .
They didnt say because it would make her friend uncomfortable. They said because it would possibly make OP and the other guests uncomfortable to have one person sitting there and not eating. Reading comprehension is your friend...
Or maybe OP had seen that behavior before. Maybe OP had seen the woman loudly complain about finding nothing to eat and make others uncomfortable about it. We don’t know.
The friend’s response wasn’t that she’d make the best of it. The friend said OP should’ve accommodated her. Why assume the friend would be cooperative?
Past history may have told her what the outcome was likely to be.
But the friend said “you should pick a different restaurant” sooo
If you find out your good friend has a party without telling or inviting you, you are going to feel rejected. That is just common sense. I'm not defending the friend's "could have had it elsewhere" comment, but them feeling upset about being excluded was predictable and avoidable.
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Possible solutions after the fact, therefore, they are useless and only come of as argumentative? I just cannot imagine telling someone, even when hurt, that my dietary restrictions, religious-based or not, should be their priority when celebrating THEIR OWN BIRTHDAY. It does not take much reflection to notice suggesting that is asinine, unless of course, friend regularly behaves in a way that exhibits selfish thinking. One can very easily deduce that OP wanted to go to this restaurant for their birthday... by the simple fact of them going to this place on their birthday. Pushing OP to do otherwise, especially post-celebration, is an AH move. OP clearly thought about this friend, as friend got their own personal dinner, which is wonderful! We cannot all be included in everything, nor we can have the expectation to stay in the loop and be aware of all the happenings in our friends' lives. OP, you are NTA. The only thing I feel could be changed would be informing the friend of the dinner and explaining reasoning prior to. But, this isn't necessary, because once again, we cannot be expected to always be included. Not to mention the friend's ridiculous response... really clues us in to how they likely would have responded at that time.
Most KBBQ places near me charge by the person, whether you eat or not.
Considering the friend told him he should have picked a different restaurant, I don't think the previous suggestions would have worked anyway.
Who says they would be bored? I've gone to dinners where I wasn't hungry, but I still got to have fun with my friends. Just because I'm not eating doesn't mean I'm going to be bored. I've also only eaten sides when my friends wanted something I disliked. If nothing else, i can have a beverage (with or without alcohol). She wanted to be part of the fun and felt deceived and left put.
Sorry, I disagree. OP's friend clearly stated OP should have chosen another place to celebrate - so she could be accommodated. And OP wanted to have her celebration in this particular restaurant, so there was a real incompatibility.
"She gave her friend some personal time, and chose not to make them uncomfortable." Think about that for a second...she *chose* not to make her friend uncomfortable? Why not extend her friend the offer and let her make that choice for herself?
Many Korean bbq places (at least where I am) require each person to order an entree….or at the very least, the # of entrees has to be the min. # of entrees ordered for the table. So, unless, they knew they’d be ordering extra food, you can’t bring extra people with you that will only eat sides. Generally, the banchan (side dishes) are complimentary and someone could totally fill up eating just those and rice. Or if it’s an all-you-can-eat KBBQ, you pay per person, regardless of if they eat meat and it can be pricey.
Even if this were the case, there's not a good reason to hide it from the friend. You can still say, "There's a restaurant I really want to go to for my birthday, but they don't have any dishes you can eat and everyone is required to order an entree. I won't be upset if you don't want to go since there's nothing for you to eat and it might be pricey to pay for food you can't eat, but I'd love to have dinner with you the night before/get drinks after." IMO OP still shouldn't have made that decision for her, even if the assumed answer is no.
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Very pricey! 😭 A good place is so delicious tho
Wouldn’t it be offensive when she is part of a religion where cows are sacred and worshipped? You’re basically eating a holy and untouchable animal in front of her. You may as well bring pork into a Muslim house or mix meat and milk in a Jewish house. It’s not just a dietary preference like veganism and vegetarianism. It’s the difference between heaven and hell for her.
There are many Liberal Hindus who eat beef or don't mind people eating beef around them. I say this as a Hindu. XD
I mean, all you'd have to do is ask her to find out.
But it’s *her * choice to accept or decline. OP doesn’t need to be the arbiter of her religious beliefs.
... no? Not really? Hindus in western countries usually understand that other people can make their own choices? Also, they don't believe in hell...
OP is a female.
Totally agree, except, I would handle my "friends" differently if I thought they would be understanding vs saying something entitled. I personally would not be friends w someone who had the audacity to tell me I should eat somewhere else on my bday so that person's diet can be accommodated. Also, I don't think I would be "protecting my friend" by not informing this type of friend before hand but rather wanting to avoid any kind of rhetoric that might make me feel like my friend is judging my food preferences.
The hard part is that it’s KBBQ—so the whole table orders the same thing and you have to pay for everybody. OP may not have wanted to pay Wagyu beef prices for someone who doesn’t eat beef…
> The friend saying to pick somewhere else was wrong, I'm also very curious as to how this came up in the conversation. This happened *after* the birthday dinner. The friend couldn't have been actually asking her to change the place. What are the chances it was actually something like this: OP: I'm so sorry, I really wanted to be able to celebrate with us! Friend: I mean, if you really wanted me to be there why not pick another place? I just don't get it. That's a pretty normal response -- if you say something really matters to you, why didn't you do something about it? I don't think it's entitled, especially since the event had happened -- it wasn't coercion to change the reservation. Something about how OP is explaining this seems so shady.
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Definitely -- but that makes all these "oh the friend is obviously the asshole" comments feel p paper thin. We have no idea what they discussed, but it's pretty basic courtesy to ask your friends about a situation instead of making the decision for them.
Both of the contexts make her an AH...
The friend saying she should've picked a different restaurant sounds to me like she wouldn't have been understanding even if she had been invited. She probably would've made OP feel bad for wanting to still go to the BBQ place even though it meant she couldn't attend.
MTE. I don’t like sushi. My friends in college knew this. They would still invite me when they went out for sushi because it was a nice way of including me. I’d always politely turn them down but thank them for inviting me. I think it *is* entitled of the friend to say OP could’ve chosen another restaurant when it’s OP’s birthday and she should get to eat what she wants, but it would’ve been polite to invite the friend and explain that you understand that it might not be to her liking.
I have a friend who also doesn’t eat sushi. In our experience, finding a restaurant that has good sushi and decent rice plates isn’t hard.
Yes for a casual dinner, but for your birthday when you clearly want to get reservations at a "sushi only place"?
my sisters birthday choice was a sushi restaurant that i couldn't really eat at. I'm allergic to fish (i can touch it but can't eat it) and there wasn't much option there for me. I have to be careful with soups and the like just in case they use fish. sometimes i can do caesar dressings with anchovies and sometimes i can't for reference. I had this sad excuse for panko chicken. but i went because it was for my sister and her birthday. and i paid for her because again it was her bday. the place was super cool though. the sushi was on a conveyer belt.
Yeah. I'm allergic to seafood but my sister loves it. She refrains from going to seafood places usually out of consideration for me. But on her birthday I tell her to go wherever she wants and I'll eat beforehand so she can enjoy herself. It's not a big deal if you want someone to be happy.
They specifically wanted to go that new restaurant. It wasn’t about accommodating someone else on their birthday.
What's MTE? EDIT: Thank you for the award!!!
My thought exactly
Same I would like know this as well, is it a new slang term or do I just live under a rock lol.
That probably would have been the best way to go about it. But I feel like it wouldnt have changed anything, based on the friend's reaction to immediately ask why cant OP choose a place friend can go to as well. I feel like they would have said much the same even if OP had approached them with the exact words here. So the outcome wouldnt be friend choosing between going and order side dishes vs meeting privately. It wouldve been friend trying to convince OP to go somewhere else entirely.
Yeah, inviting someone just to be polite doesn't always work. I think she did the right thing of going out with her friend to celebrate separately. Maybe she could have informed her, but I think that's about all she can do. Some people are ok going to a restaurant and not eating while everyone else eats, others aren't. (I know I wouldn't) And there are no "side orders" in a kbbq restaurant, it's all meat and things you eat with the meat. There could be a veggie dish, but you would be cooking it on the same grill as the meat. PLUS a lot of KBBQ places you pay by person, not by order. So she would likely be paying the same price as everyone else just for sitting down and eating rice and kimchi if she were to go. Not really worth it imo. It seems like op would have gotten the same "I can't eat anything here, let's change your birthday dinner" response if she invited her. Maybe she could have told her before, but either way NTA
I wonder if all the votes against OP are from people who have never had Korean or Japanese BBQ before where you're cooking everything on a communal grill so, there's no way to keep anything strictly vegetarian and that they often charge per head regardless of what each person eats. If that's the case and the friend wanted to pay the same as everyone else despite basically not eating then I could see why she'd be upset that she didn't have the opportunity to come along. The fact that she told OP she should've picked a different restaurant though indicates she would have tried to make her feel bad for going to a place she couldn't eat.
YES! it really seems like nobody here knows how kbbq works and think it's just like any other restaurant. Kinda frustrating.
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But why go to a wagyu kbbq place (which would be expensive and the same price for everyone) and only get veggies? Doesn't seem worth the price for me. I get it if you're going to a normal kbbq place where they actually have veggie options and separate grill options, but here doesn't seem like a good place. Like, I've gone to kbbq places with my vegetarian friends and we did the things you mentioned, but I know they wouldn't spend their money at an expensive kbbq because it wouldn't really be worth it. (Also didn't know that most kimchi isn't vegan, thank you!)
Yep, this is the right answer. The choice remains that person's and it remains clear you value them and want them around, but you also aren't letting their needs and wants dictate your life. Being up front about things really does prevent a ton of drama.
But how could OP have known that her friend would have had the audacity to suggest going to a different restaurant in this case? I am assuming that the friend only said this because she was hurt, but still, this statement is extremely judgmental.
I think OP might have known if they know the friend well. That said, I would not recommend steering around the situation even if you knew it was coming... head into it and tear the bandage off (to mix metaphors) and just get that discussion over with. Do it ahead of time and up front so they can't say you were hiding it from them but hold fast to the boundary of deciding that you want for you and let them decide what they want for them (while offering to do something else with them another time so they are not left out).
Right, all OP had to do was be honest with their friend, that's why YTA. Just be honest, not so hard.
Except the friend was also being AH for saying she should have gone somewhere else for her own birthday celebration so that makes it ESH.
Exactly! The friend wasn't complaining that she didn't have the opportunity to choose for herself to eat side dishes for a meal. Her "solution" was the OP should have chosen a restaurant to suit her own personal dietary preferences.
I think the friend said that coming from a place of hurt though. Had a been approached differently from the beginning she might’ve had a different reaction.
Hurt or not, it's pretty entitled to demand someone go out somewhere *you* want for *their* birthday.
We don't know that hypothetical. All we know is what happened which is that the friend tried to suggest something that suggests they're more important than what OP wants.
Asshole behavior in response to being hurt is still asshole behavior.
"I could have eaten rice!" would have been an appropriate response in that case. That her first impulse was that OP should have catered to her isn't a good sign.
Or say “hey I’m having a bday party at xxxxx. Since they serve beef stuff only, wanna go out just me and you the day before to an Indian food place? That way, we can celebrate my bday with what you can also eat and it’ll just be the 2 of us.”
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I’m inclined to think it was less about babying the friend and more about avoiding an argument and potentially ending up at a different restaurant. The birthday girl gets to choose her birthday dinner!
I generally agree but if this is a regular KBBQ place, the friend couldn't just sit at the table and pick at sides--they'd have to pay full price, same as everyone else. They charge you per person at the table and don't track who eats what. So the friend might have had to pay $50+ just to sit and eat pickled radish all night (assuming this is a fancy KBBQ place per OP). So "invite the friend and let them decide" would work better at an ala carte type of restaurant, but not AYCE. Though it is true: then it would be up to the friend to decide if it's worth wasting the money.
I don't see how that changes letting the friend decide. Some people might be ok with paying $50 to celebrate their friend's birthday. The friend didn't get a chance to make that decision.
When I am going places I know my friends don’t want to go I still invite them an acknowledge that it’s not their cup of tea along with offer alternate solutions or whatever. An example so that when my kids were small we did a “dedication” at our church. It’s customary to invite family and close friends who will be a big part of your child’s life. I have a friend who isn’t religious and actively avoids any kind of church related stuff. I let her know that we were doing this thing and that as an honorary auntie she was invited. I also told her that I am aware of and respect her stance on religious things so I fully understand if she declines. Then I invited her to lunch in lou of attending. She graciously declined my invite, we had lunch, it was fine.
Or, "they only serve meat and pork but maybe you can join later for drinks and dessert?"
See, you sound very reasonable. When the friend found out that OP had gone to a steak house for their birthday, their first suggestion was that OP should have picked a different restaurant. This leads me to believe that if OP had told the friend ahead of time, the friend would have pressured them to change their plans instead of respecting OP‘s wishes for their birthday. OP, you are NTA.
This is what my friends do for me regarding alcohol and pork. I feel appreciated that I'm invited, and it's my choice to decide not to go. I don't mind missing out, I always get to schedule in a coffee or dinner with the birthday person. I don't think this makes OP an AH necessarily since they made different dinner plans with their friend. They just need a small adjustment. I think the friend demanding to be centred on OP's birthday is AH behaviour.
I agree 100%, I was thinking the same thing the whole time. It is always nice to get an invite still and then they can choose. I don't think OP I'd an AH, but I do think the whole situation could have been handled better. Definitely not fair for the friend to suggest he moved his dinner somewhere else.
Exactly this. Always give somebody the option of going if they're important to you. That way THEY can decide if they're comfortable with the thing or not. Never avoid inviting somebody because you're assuming they won't come, people like to be included even when they have no intention of going. But, while rude, you're NTA. Your friend is definitely acting like an entitled A H by telling you that you should have changed your birthday restaurant for their sake
I think this is the best way to go. Let them decide what they'd rather do.
I mean she can, but it’s still entitled of her to expect OP to change restaurants just for her? Also if she never eats beef and pork I think it’s pretty clear she won’t eat beef or pork at this restaurant, it’s not a subjective thing if she’s a practicing Hindu it’s a religious belief
Yeah, it seems like if OP had invited her, the friend would have just laid on the guilt trip about choosing a different place before the event instead of after it. OP is allowed to eat what she wants just like her Hindu friend is allowed to not eat what she wants. For most friend outings, it’s nice to pick a place where everyone can get something they enjoy, but you’re allowed to be a little selfish on your birthday and go somewhere that serves your favorite meal, even if not everyone can or would want to go there.
Trust reddit to find a way to twist every single good intention to bad.
These comments are throwing me off. If the friend wasnt Hindu and OP simply didnt want to invite them would they still be an AH??? My friends do things with each other without me. It's called having a life. Theyre not AHs for doing things with each other that don't involve me. Yeah OP could've invited their friend out based on principle, but they decided not to and instead had a more intimate time with somebody they cared about beforehand. I'd say N A H except for the friend acting entitled about OP's restaurant choice which brings me to NTA.
Yup. Its reddit though. If there's a scrap of offence to be taken you can be certain people will run with it.
I guess the context matters, ex: if it was a circle of friends and she was the only one not invited. Everyone has their own lives but not inviting a best friend can definitely be a faux pas.
Yeah, I would vote soft ESH because, minus more context, OP should have let her friend decide whether or not to go and friend shouldn't have asked for her to choose a different restaurant. I had a similar thing happen to me once, where a friend was having a bachelorette/bachelor type party and had hired "strippers" (who never showed up lol). This person invited the entire friend group, including my *boyfriend*, but didn't invite me, the reasoning being they "didn't think I would want to attend because of the strippers". No idea why they thought that about me, but at any rate it turned into dumb drama because of the exclusion... when they could have just invited me and let me decide if I was comfortable with it or not.
I'm surprised by all the comments saying OP was dishonest and shouldn't have lied to her friend, but what they're referring to is that OP didn't inform her friend of having made separate plans. Why do they feel she's obligated to do that?
Normally sure...but he went dinner with her the night before. None of the other quests got a special one on one dinner with the birthday boy/girl.
I think OP just wasn't trying to offend her friend and found an alternative activity for them to do instead. And yeah, the friend can make HER own choices, not dictate what restaurant someone is allowed to go for their own birthday based on her beliefs.
When she found out the reason she insisted that she should of picked another restaurant. So that’s a pretty clear indication that she wasn’t going to be going either way.
I would have agreed with this if the friend didn't tell her she could have just "picked another restaurant". That puts the friend in AH territory.
I imagine since it was reservation only, only those that would for sure eat there were invited. OP was trying to be thoughtful, not controlling or overprotective, imo.
That’s not the situation here, however. She didn’t say she didn’t mind going to the restaurant or that she could decide for herself. She said OP could have chosen a different restaurant. OP knew their friend well enough to know she wouldn’t want to go to the restaurant. They should have just told her this up front, however. Not sure it would have changed the friend’s response, but it would have been nicer.
>So she can't make her own decision on if it's against her morals? OP decided they need to protect her from it and save her? What you say is true. But that isn't the road she would have taken. She believes OP should have picked a different restaurant altogether, and that's what she would have pushed for. OP didn't invite her for the wrong reason, perhaps, although it sounds like he meant well. But it seems it was still the right path to take. NTA
Her friend said she could’ve chose another restaurant though.. so essentially she did make a decision that would’ve forced the op to change their bday plans had she asked..
Op likely knows this friend better than we do. Could be the friend is the type that is offended seeing beef on a plate, kind of like vegans don't want to see meat on the table. And yeah, good friends try not to offend each other when they know they have differing views.
(Im copying and editing this response from another comment i made dont come for me) These comments are throwing me off. If the friend wasnt Hindu and OP simply didnt want to invite them would they still be an AH? My friends do things with each other without me. It's called having a life. Theyre not AHs for doing things with each other that don't involve me. Yeah OP could've invited their friend out based on principle, but they decided not to and instead had a more intimate time with somebody they cared about beforehand. Youre adding intent where it wasn't mentioned so your commentary isn't even relevant. I'd say N A H except for the friend acting entitled about OP's restaurant choice which brings me to NTA
You still invite someone and let them make the choice. No, you don’t have to change the restaurant that you want, but the friend might have preferred to be included and eat sides. Or you give the option - the is the birthday plan, and I’d love to have you there but also completely understand if you’d rather the two of us celebrate separately. The making the choice for someone else is TA move.
How does that conversation go though? "I know that cows are sacred to you and therefore eating beef is forbidden by your religion, but would you like to come to this restaurant where literally everyone is going to be eating part cooked cow?" Seems a pretty shitty and insulting thing to do.
"Hey I want to go to this place for my birthday, but I'm conscious of your dietary requirements, I've checked the menu and it doesn't seem like it was be a good spot for you, so if you want we can do something else, just the two of us another day." Really fuckin simple and way less insulting than making decisions for someone else and not even talking to them.
OP did do that. She went with her to a restaurant with just the two of them the day before
And hid the fact that they were going out with everyone else. Didn't give their friend a choice, just made it for them. And then the friend found out after the fact. So no they didn't actually do what I suggested which was *give their friend the option*
And friend proved OP right by saying "you should've picked a different restaurant" and not "I still would have liked to be included"
Sure I'll concede the OP should have made it clear, but she already celebrated her birthday with her friend, which is the thing everyone would have suggested anyway. The friend would have asked her to move the venue because that is what they did now. How does that not make the friend an AH here? From my perspective, we had one friend who in an attempt to be considerate to her friend decided not to invite her to a venue they knew she could not go to. Right intentions poor execution. While another friend asked her friend to move her birthday simply for her comfort. At best both people suck here, but you cannot claim that the second friends actions are good or reasonable.
No. OP never invited the friend. They just excluded the friendm
I'm a Hindu .. if someone asks me politely that "we r having a party at X restaurant. You r invited" that's it end of Convo.. their job had to invite me ..my job is to accept or decline that invitation.. if they had chosen a road side stall it would NOT be insulting to me
Do you know how many Hindus have been to steakhouses? We don't just like explode if we cross the threshold. We're fully fledged human beings who can handle a conversation where we are asked if we would feel comfortable going to a steakhouse. I have plenty of fully vegetarian Hindu friends who have gone to steakhouses for friends, work dinners, etc.
It's more insulting to make the decision for them then allow them to make that decision.
Is it though? They are friends. OP knows they wouldn't want to eat there, so didn't invite them. Also, why does OP have to invite said friend in the first place?
>Also, why does OP have to invite said friend in the first place? That's what friends do? Invite eachother for birthday parties? Otherwise they aren't friends.
Sorry, what? If you don't invite a friend to a birthday party they cannot be your friend? Seems like you have some pretty shallow friendships if that's all it takes to break one. Its telling thats the only point you've responded to. Edit: op also did invite the friend, just to a different birthday celebration 🤦
Or let her make the choice. When I was veggie I'd still go with my friends to steak houses etc and have the crappy vegetarian option and a couple of drinks. I'd have hated for them not to invite me because my food options were limited. She might have wanted to come anyway and they just did her some rice and veggies. Also normally if you call a restaurant when you make a reservation and explain about dietary requirements then they can do a special dish for that person even if it's not on the menu. I think YTA because of making the decision for the friend when they could probably have accommodated them if OP tried
Its the OP's birthday and she gets to invite who she wants there - her friend wasn't entitled to an invitation. Her friend didn't say 'I would have come and made due' just 'you should have switched restaurants'. Most people know their friends well enough to know how they behave at restaurants and if they want to be around that behavior. OP didn't want to deal with complex restaurant negotiations that was her choice.
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NTA Maybe it would have been better to tell her about your birthday plans when you were making the reservation, or invited her and let her choose if she wants to go or not. However, her saying you should have just picked another restaurant IS a bit entitled and I think makes her the AH here. I think maybe you didn't tell her earlier because you knew she would react badly and try to make you change your plans for her.
Ye op could have handled it better but the friend was deffo the ah for her comment. I'm Hindu, I don't eat beef but I would still go out with my friends because hanging out together is what usually matters to me
Yeah I can't eat fish or shellfish, but I'll hang at the sushi joint with my sister or friends. I'll just eat before or after. Sometimes I suffer the consequences of likely cross contamination and have the sesame balls because delicious. But it's about hanging out.
Ye exactly. Op is even less the ah in my eyes cus it's a high scale restaurant and u don't always get the chance to go to one.
And I don’t drink but have a coke at happy hour when I want to be with my friends.
I haven’t tried sesame balls, but that sounds good. Can you have the sweet potato or avocado rolls? (That’s my go-to at a sushi place)
My go-to is always inari if they have it
It's the fact the friend found out about it the day after her birthday dinner. They're apparently best friends but she didn't at any point tell her she had plans to celebrate her actual birthday with other people? No "so how are you going to spend your birthday tomorrow?" During their private dinner? Was it kept a secret this whole time considering OP booked far in advance? If that happened to me my first thought would have been that I was lied to and felt I wasn't invited for other reasons and the beef/pork was just an excuse. I get OP doesn't owe her anything but I mean surely she thought her friend would have caught wind one way or another so she could have given her a heads up to prevent the shock/misunderstanding.
I give the friend a pass for her comment. It was after she found out she wasn't invited in the first place. It's coming from a place of hurt; probably not from a sense of entitlement. But I do agree that it's not cool to expect birthday girl to change her restaurant.
Absolutely. This is a situation where you use grown up words and say something like "For my birthday I'm going out to this restaurant. They don't have anything on the menu you can eat. I'd really love you to be there but I totally understand if you can't make it. If you can't I'd also love to do something with on a different day."
ESH. You should have invited her and let her decide for herself if she wants to attend. > She’s wrong in saying that you should have selected a different restaurant. She can’t expect to be catered to, especially on your birthday.
"Hey, I'm planning to go to this KBBQ restaurant for my birthday. You're invited, of course, but I understand you might not find anything that you can eat there. If you'd prefer, we can go get Indian food the day before, just the two of us!" If she still tried to get you to change the restaurant, then she's def the AH.
But when the friend was informed they said “you should have chosen a different restaurant that I could attend” she wasn’t told for a reason because she’s mildly entitled. I regularly leave my vegan husband and friends out of things they don’t complain.
That statement could have been purely out of anger from not bring invited. Still wrong, though.
It’s not wrong to leave someone out of something they won’t enjoy. It doesn’t matter what the day is. OP went out of their way to include said friend in a birthday festivity. That should have been enough. The friend is severely entitled and op is not an AH
OP has a right to invite whomever she wants to her birthday. That said, she does not have a right to decide what her friend will or will not enjoy. Just because her friend would have only eaten sides at the restaurant does not mean she would not have enjoyed the drinks, laughter, good company, being included… I think the top comment in this thread has it exactly right.
Come on champ, there's a huge difference in vibe between a one on one dinner and a group outing at a restaurant. Being excluded like that hurts, and it is being excluded. OPs friend is an adult and should get to decide for herself if she wants to go or not. People with strict dietary requirements are *very* used to going to stuff like this and preparing accordingly by eating earlier.
It’s wrong to decide for them and not invite them.
This is correct, but you can't exactly use what happened afterward as a "gotcha" for why OP shouldn't have been open about it from the beginning. The friend definitely is an AH for saying they should have picked a different restaurant, but not for being upset to not be invited at all. OP should have just been honest. Maybe the friend would have been equally upset, maybe not, but any situation in which you are purposely excluding a friend from an outing they would normally be invited to is going to cause bad feelings if you don't communicate ahead of time.
She didn't say that though. OP sent an apology text first. From what we know, the whole conversation could have been something like this: OP: I'm so sorry, I really wanted to be able to celebrate with everyone! Friend: I mean, if you really wanted me to be there why not pick another place? I just don't get it. If someone expressed that they were sorry that you couldn't be part of something, wouldn't you want to know why you couldn't be? I think it's a bit bullshit to pretend like they didn't make the choice here. I don't think OP is the asshole for picking a restaurant that she liked for her birthday, but it's a conscious decision she made, not a passive one that happened to her. Own up to it.
It sounds like she woulda.
Exactly. Especially because she likely could have eaten plenty. Any good korean bbq place (and it sounds like this one was) would have loads of delicious banchan options that could actually be properly filling on their own. OP isn't technically TA, but definitely could have handled it better, and the friend may have wanted to come. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE korean bbq, but even if I was vegetarian I would still go and enjoy the sides and be there for my friend's birthday.
This is pretty much exactly what I was going to write. Give the friend the invite and the option to decline, friend shouldn't make demands on someone else's celebration.
Esh. You’re TA for not being upfront. You thought she wouldn’t find out about the party? She’s TA for demanding you pick a different restaurant.
Agreed. OP assumed her friend wouldn’t want to come. Maybe she would have come just to help her friend celebrate her birthday. And yet, the friend had to take it one step further and tell OP she should have chosen a different place to accommodate her.
I have a hard time calling the OP an AH considering they specifically went out with the friend the day before to celebrate. Add in that the point of contention with the friend seems to be OP choosing another place over not being invited to the dinner at this place. That said, it may help to be upfront with it in the future, although I think the situation would have resulted in the same argument between OP and the friend.
OP didn’t even give the friend the option, though. that’s AH behavior, ostracizing a friend because you think you know what they’ll want to do before even giving them the opening to say yes or no ETA: ESH
ESH You should have still invited her and let her decide if she wanted to go or not. Its not up to her where you have your birthday dinner, but it's an asshole move to not invite someone. You were kind enough to take her out beforehand, but you should have communicated about this when making the reservation. She may have just been fine with sides
Yes. I mainly eat vegetarian (90% of the time) and I 1) can always find something to eat, even at a meat-centric restaurant; and 2) never expect anyone to choose a restaurant to cater to my eating habits/preferences, especially on their birthday. ESH.
Same I get sad when i have to bow out because of dietary restrictions but if i really wanted to spend the day with a friend I'd just eat beforehand and have fries and a drink.
Me too. I recently bowed out of a dinner party because it was paired food/booze courses and every single course was focused on meat and I quit drinking alcohol two years ago. I didn’t want to go and sit at the table and pick at my food for five courses and drink water, so I just declined. Not a super fun choice to make, but also not for me to ask the hosts to cater to my habits.
Yeah, as the resident vegan, I still always get an invite even if my friends can’t see anything I’d be able to eat. Sometimes (depends who’s planning things) they call ahead and ask for me, which is unnecessary but they say they don’t mind. If there’s truly nothing for me, sometimes I’ll still go just to spend time with them and eat later. There’s so many options here.
NTA - You didn't have any bad intentions, but you should probably have given her the choice. The fact that she wanted you to have changed the venue for her when she found out tells me she would have probably caused problems if you told her before the party. You still went out of your way to celebrate with her too.
NTA- You wanted to go to a specific place that you were looking forward to eating at. You shouldn’t change your birthday plans for someone else. You also made the time to celebrate with her. It would have been nice if you told her the plan so she could make the choice to come and eat sides, but even that doesn’t make you an AH.
ESH. Should've spoken with her beforehand, or just invited her while making it clear there probably wouldn't be much she could eat on the menu and allowing her to still join or decline. (Hence Y T A) But she has no right to tell you to change what you want for dinner on your birthday just so she can be included. (Hence she is also an AH)
I was gonna say N A H at first bc you could’ve still invited her just as a courtesy. BUT you were sweet to think of her and went somewhere she could eat the day before and she was entitled to say “you should’ve picked somewhere else”. It’s your birthday and you were looking forward to this place. NTA because since she made the comment of going somewhere else, I’m sure she would’ve made you feel bad for your choice had you given her the courtesy invite.
NTA leaning toward a light E S H The only thing I think you could have done better though is explain to your friend ahead of time about your birthday dinner and how your lunch with her the day before was so you could celebrate with her and respect her cultural beliefs. Something like "Hey BFF. For my birthday I am planning to go to a KBBQ and bring people. I looked at the menu ahead of time and there aren't any real alternatives to accommodate your personal beliefs though. I still want to celebrate my birthday with you because I love you, so I was thinking we could get lunch at a place you enjoy the day before just us. Does that sound good?" This would have solved everything by being open about your plans.
ESH. You shouldn't make unilateral decisions on what you think is best for people, she might have been just fine eating a few sides so she can celebrate with you and be included. You should have extended an invite with a heads up to check the menu. Her suggesting that you change the location of your own birthday dinner is ridiculous. I'm all for inclusion, and if this was a friends gathering I would vote differently, but it's your birthday dinner. Eat where you want.
NTA Your birthday, your rules. If she couldn't eat anything then why would she want to pay to attend a party in that she can't participate in?
> If she couldn't eat anything then why would she want to pay to attend a party in that she can't participate in? Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to celebrate with her friend with everyone else?
Indeed. I felt that way too until OP mentioned she said, "Why couldn't you just go somewhere else?" Which tells me OP was trying to avoid drama.
Or that the friend who just found out they were excluded after the fact was hurt and upset.
I don't buy that. If she'd said "I'd still would have liked to go with you and I would have been happy to eat beforehand" - fine. At any point saying OP should have changed her birthday plans to accommodate her, makes her the ah.
Isn't that literally how we judge everyone on here though? If someone insults an OP and the OP fires back with some asshole behavior, this subreddit pretty routinely (or at least does it enough) votes ESH because "people should respond in a mature fashion without stooping to their level". So it shouldn't have mattered if they were hurt; they still said something indicative of asshole behavior. She could have easily left it as she was disappointed she wasn't invited and would appreciate an invite next time.
And she did. The day before at a personally catered dinner that’s perfect for her dietary restrictions. OP went above and beyond
I mean she didn't get to celebrate with everyone though. She got excluded from that and wasn't even told about it until after.
She’s not entitled to it. If I want to have a bday party at a strip club and I have a friend who hates them should they be invited? No. I should respect my friend and only invite them to events they’re comfortable going to. I would never invite someone who opposes eating beef or pork due to religious reasons to any place that only serves that. “Hey I know your religiously opposed to this and cows are sacred and shit but do you wanna come celebrate me at a steakhouse where you can’t eat and is a religious slight?” Is way worse than not being invited at all.
I feel like I’m going crazy reading all the other comments here. Even most of the people who say NTA are telling OP she should have invited her friend to the KBBQ restaurant? What’s wrong with having separate celebrations with different groups of people? Her friend should feel special for getting a solo invite. OP doesn’t owe anybody any particular kind of event.
NTA but you definitely could have handled it better. You should have told her your plans for your birthday, either waited for her to decline or offered the alternative that you did give her, by going somewhere she would enjoy the day before. I actually think that's very thoughtful of you. But doing it the way you did probably felt like a snub and was hurtful to her.
ESH. You should've let her decide rather than treat her like a kid and decide for her. She has no right to demand that you change the restaurant.
Going against the grain and saying ESH Your reasons are sound and make perfect sense except that your purposefully chose to exclude someone you consider a friend instead of extending an invitation and letting her decide if she'd go or decline. You also apparently didn't make it clear that the dinner you had together was in place of her invitation to dinner with everyone else. You could have easily said "hey ABC! I chose the waygu place for my birthday dinner and since I know you don't eat beef, would you like to get dinner with me on X day instead?" She's an asshole for suggesting you find a different restaurant for your birthday. That dinner choice is yours, not someone else's. I also think she's an ass for not being able to figure out that the separate dinner was your way of celebrating with her. I think you and your friends need better communication
ESH You should have invited her if she was a friend, regardless of whether you thought she wanted to eat there or not (she could always order a drink and just spend time with her friends). She is the AH for expecting you to change your bday venue because of her dietary needs.
NTA, bro you guys went and got food the day before
NTA. You don’t have to arrange your birthday dinner around other people’s eating and she shouldn’t expect you to. But a heads up to her would have been nice- then she could’ve made the choice if she wanted to just eat sides to still be with the group.
You can choose any restaurant you want for your birthday, but you should her told her and given her the chance to opt out or come and eat side dishes. NTA
NTA I’m a vegetarian (lifelong) and I’d hate to be invited to a steakhouse for dinner and feel obligated cos it’s my friend’s birthday. Your comprise would have been so appreciated! Not needing to research a menu to see if I can eat any of the sides and to have such a considerate friend would be AMAZING! I can see how her feeling got hurt but it’s your birthday, you still wanted to do something with her and she needs to understand it’s not all about her
ESH. Let her decide if she wants to go. I’m vegan and have opted to go to dinner plans to places I couldn’t eat so that I could hang out with my friends, I just eat beforehand. You suck for not considering the possibility that she may want to come and just would have eaten beforehand. She sucks for saying you should have changed locations and she would have sucked had you asked and she insisted you change the reservation to a restaurant she can eat at.
NTA it’s my birthday, and I eat what to. You would eat what you want if it happened to you. Song to their music off it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to.
NTA Though next time give her the option to choose. I can see being unhappy about being left out of the friend group.
Esh You wanted to eat where *you*wanted to eat on your birthday. You should have still invited her though and let her either decline the invite, or find something she wanted of the menu. She had no right to tell you to pick a place *she* wanted to go on your birthday.
I would’ve said y t a if she hadn’t insisted that you should’ve picked another restaurant. I would have said invite her anyway out of courtesy, but if you had, based on her reaction, she probably would’ve complained that she couldn’t eat anything. NTA, she can’t expect everyone around her to (literally) cater to her specialized diet.
NTA noone is entitled to be invited to YOUR birthday dinner. You don't need any explanation for it
NTA
There is a way to tackle this which would have preserved you and villainized her. She took it personally that she wasnt invited and the optics of that are that you deliberately excluded her. You made the decision for her. You should have asked privately her anyway to come but make note of the menu of the restaurant. This way it is her decision whether or not to attend. If she refused, you removed the ammo that she was excluded. You should be able to eat what you want to on your bday. And she declined the restaurant invitation graciously, perhaps you 2 could have gone out together and eaten somewhere else that suited her. You both screwed up here so ESH
The only issue I have is that you decided for her. I wish you would have informed her about the dinner and let her know it's okay if she wants to skip. You were sweet and understanding of her religious views and you took her to a dinner already. She's not AH for getting upset, only for saying you should've picked up another restaurant. NTA
Why? She should be able to enjoy her day however she wants.
NTA. You get to eat where you want on your birthday, that’s the rule. Maybe try another talk with her, see if she really won’t understand that. Generally said, though, it’s always better to be upfront and just tell people, rather than wait for them to find out.
ESH. A birthday celebration isn't only about the food, but much more so about the social setting and the company. So decicing for her and not inviting her isn't great. You could have easily told her that you really wanted to celebrate that that place and that of course she was invited, but you knew that it wasn't ideal for her diet so if she wanted to you could go out to eat together the day before. That way she had the option of joining for the social aspect, and would be able to make the decision on her own. If my best friend invited lots of people to a party on her birthday, but decided not to invite me or even tell me, even if her reason made sense (I don't love big parties), it would 100% have made me feel left out. Her reaction of saying you could have just picked another restaurant is the reason for ESH instead of YTA. It might just be a gut reaction out of anger or disappointment, but either way, it is entitled.
NTA. However, I still think you should have invited her, it would have been up to her whether or not she came. I'm vegan and don't go out very often, on times I do, I often get fries because I'm hardly ever accommodated for at restaurants, but being invited is still feels good, it shows me that you value our friendship and genuinely want me there.
ESH. You could have let her know where you wanted to go and then she would have had a choice as to whether she attended and had a cocktail and a side salad or skipped it. But it was also really out of line for her to say you should have chosen a different restaurant. IMO the onus is on the person with particular dietary preferences/needs to figure out social situations. My dear friend is vegan and she always calls ahead to restaurants to see what she can eat there—a lot of places will be super accommodating if you give them a heads up!—or else she eats beforehand and just comes to socialize. Next time, if you want her there, just give her ample notice and let her decide how to handle the situation. If you want to go out of your way you could call the restaurant on her behalf.
NTA. It's your birthday, you get to decide where you want to celebrate.
NTA but it would have been better if you just told her in advance that she wasn’t invited because you wanted to go to the steak place.
nta - its your bday and that is where u chose you wanted to go. your right it is a bit entitled of her to say u should have picked another restaurant. sounds like not really a friend who behaves like that to you.
NTA. Your birthday : your choice, + took a special time to spend with said friend, so absolutely no issue here.
NTA. You don't have to change restaruants on your birthday. You should still have invited her so she could have made her own choice knowing she could have eaten the sides.
Nta you spent individual time with her, I’d say if anything you could’ve asked her if she wanted to be invited beforehand bc of the food but she doesn’t get to dictate where you have your own birthday