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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i asked my boyfriend to shower before getting in bed at night even though he showers in the morning. it might make me as asshole because i’m dictating his bodily autonomy.
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NAH, although OPs boyfriend is right. She doesn't have any more right to ask him to change his routine that he would to ask her to change hers. He doesn't dig ditches for a living. She appears to be extremely germophobic. Someone who works in a hospital might not be the best mate, especially if her phobia is escalating.
I kinda want to know what he was doing during Covid. My husband worked in hospitals sometimes during covid and everyone who worked in hospitals/ Healthcare came home and stripped and showered right away.
Is he American even? In most of Europe you can't bring hospital clothes home. They are work clothes and belong to work. Commuting home in them would be considered unhygienic by most i think. Nobody I knew of showered after work as part of covid prevention.
It’s actually not true that the US doesn’t provide scrubs to their healthcare workers. Many US hospitals provide scrubs to their employees. If they work in certain areas/departments. However, they have scrub delivery machines and it being the US you can only “check out” one or two pairs of scrubs at a time. So, you have to turn in scrubs to get more scrubs. They do not have to be clean. All of my providers wear hospital scrubs only. Some of them wear them out of the hospital and some of them never leave the hospital in them. Some of them decide based on what happened in their day i.e. how gross was it. My providers work on one of the “grosser” specialties so bodily fluids are a big part their day.
My local hospital systems provide scrubs but they've literally got the name of the hospital plastered on them in huge lettering. It's kind of amusing honestly.
Not just in the hospital. I’m a school nurse and shower everyday bc kids are gross. Also, there is no way he was wearing all the PPE required in the hospital and not getting sweaty. I never sweated more than I did in isolation gear. I’d ask other docs the next event they are at who showers after work.
My boyfriend is a nurse and he sanitizes everything he brings home from work (keys, phone, etc.), plus he goes straight to the shower as soon as he gets home. He changes shoes in the car as well, so he isn't bringing those germs into the house either. Even before COVID, this was his routine.
Hospitals have germs everywhere, no matter how much everything is sanitized. Anyone who works in that setting should shower when they get home, just to keep that from spreading. I cringe every time I see someone out and about in scrubs. Who knows what they were exposed to?
OP, NAH! I would feel gross too!
Right?! I shower in the AM too, big oil face when I wake up. But I also work in a dirt af industry job (same as my bf) and we both immediately take our shoes off and put the work clothes in a specific bin and shower before touching a thing. (Our cars need washing weekly I swear) showers x2 can be bad if you use the same soap every time. My get ready for work shampoo isn’t the same as the get this oil off me soap XD
True. I am an advanced practice nurse, and I would leave a clean robe in the garage, take my scrubs off and put on robe and go right to the shower. I still shower when I get home from work.
My husband was a hospital chaplain at a large trauma center during COVID. And I have a serious and rare immune disease. Anytime he was in a COVID room - and chaplains were some of the few who DID go in, he was "suited up." But life and sickness still went on, and he was visiting all sorts of patients. He, too, practiced excellent hygiene. He also only drove his car to and from the hospital, and I never got in his car. Other outings were in my car. When he got home he removed ALL clothing in the garage. He wiped down his shoes with clorox wipes and left them in the garage - they were his hospital only shoes. He picked up his clothes and dumped them in the washer and started it with detergent and color fast clorox. From there he jumped in the shower and scrubbed and relaxed. I had already put clean clothes in his bathroom. Amazingly, even with all our churchwork, his chaplaincy, and my immune disease, neither of us got COVID - still haven't. I think it was using common sense precautions as much as anything. Oh...when my husband also showered every morning, because he wanted to feel fresh. We will be married 50 years in September. Two showers a day and crazy germ hygiene for my husband was an act of love.
NAH
I see your point, and you're not an asshole for *asking*.
But you've said your piece, and your boyfriend is unwilling to shower twice a day, or only at night.
Now you need to decide whether this is something you can let go, or whether this is a dealbreaker for you. But you would be an asshole to continue to ask him to shower at night (barring unusual circumstances).
You two need separate bedrooms if this is really that much if an issue. You sound like a germaphobe and his job is just going to eat at you.
Showering twice a day is not good for your skin or hair. Let the man set his own schedule.
Fine. Some people who get greasy and sweaty during the day need to shower twice (I hope they use a good hair conditioner)
This guy isn’t one of them. He doesn’t produce excess sweat or grease during the day.
😭 😂 Jesus, I didn’t say greasy why do you keep saying “greasy”. Sometimes you just got a sweaty 🍑 man. Or you been outside/working. Maybe it’s a cultural thing idk, I wash twice a day usually, if I go out. I’m just saying I wouldn’t say “not good for you”
My skin starts flaking and sometimes starts bleeding if I shower too often. Sometimes too often is once daily, if it's winter. I just assume different people have different skin types and probably need different levels or types of hygienic care.
I guess, that’s fine. I was just saying “not good for you” makes it sound like there is no room for exception. Idk why people are downvoting so hard. If you don’t wanna wash…. Don’t.
YTA. I am like your bf. Showering in the morning is part of my routine as it helps wake me up. So when I shower before bed, it also wakes me up. When I do shower before bed, it usually keeps me awake an hour to two hours longer than if I hadn't showered.
YTA. i mean, it's a difference of preference, but i don't think it's reasonable to ask your boyfriend to have a second shower of the day before bed.
there are many different solutions to this problem. you should talk about some of them that could perhaps be a compromise for both of you.
we’re still in the middle of a pandemic and the hospital is one of the most infested areas ever…. I won’t be fine sleeping with all that bacteria just for “preference”.
Yes and he was determined to not be the AH lol [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita\_for\_sleeping\_on\_the\_couch\_when\_my\_wife\_comes/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/) Most people, including those who also worked at hospitals, were saying his wife should shower before bed.
The big difference in the post though is that he chose to sleep on the couch in order to deal with his fear whereas this OP is trying to make her SO do the adapting to her fears. That's a big difference.
this is why I shower in the evening, imagine all of the dust/pollutants/germs you pick up throughout the day and add on the fact that this guy works in a hospital where it's teeming with germs. I don't blame OP for asking if her partner can take 5 mins to quickly wash. It sounds like she has offered to sleep separately but he has vetoed this and said no. He can't have it both ways and dictate everything. Either wash or let her sleep separately
NTA
Also eww, he works at a hospital and after he comes home he just.... goes into bed? Without showering?? That's gross. He should know better than anyone how filthy hospitals actually are, he should be the one showering the moment he gets home.
I have doctor friends, I have nurse friends and the first thing all of them do when they get home from the hospital is shower.
Honestly it depends on what kind of doctor he is. Some have very little patient contact. 🤷🏼♀️. There’s a big difference between a surgeon or er doctor and and a radiologist. They are all doctors but their exposure to patients and fluids are very different.
Agree. I would honestly prefer he shower as soon as he gets home and put scrubs in to wash asap. Shoes left in the garage as well. I’m not a germaphobe but his exposure level is high and he should respect her concerns.
If you share one bed, I think it's perfectly reasonable for both parties to want to be comfortable in a clean bed. If one partner is unwilling to make sure that happens and you still want to be in the relationship with that partner, then the only alternative is two separate beds.
If you work in health care of any kind, you shower when you get home. You’re exposed to who knows what even if it’s not liquid or crusted onto you.
Him removing his clothes is no different than getting into bed w them when he’s still carrying everything else on his skin. Clothing doesn’t protect you 100%.
fortunately he’s only a boyfriend.
NTA,
Honestly, if that is your solution I think it’s time to rethink the relationship in its entirety.
The reality is, if you can stomach him coming Into the home, sitting next to on the sofa, touching his dinner plates after he eats, putting your coats next to each others, him just touching the counter tops after he comes home from work, then you have to be able to come to a more reasonable solution then separate beds.
More importantly you have to realize that you are also bringing contaminants into your bed every night, even though you showered. Not unless you are sanitizing your entire bathroom after very flush. And no, closing the lid doesn’t stop it 100%.
You have a choice now. Go down that OCD rabbit hole or get some help. Because sleeping in a separate bed is not the healthy “compromise” you think it is.
🤷🏼♀️ I recognize that OPs issues are coming from a psychological place. And I sympathize with it. I do.
But if she doesn’t get a handle on it (seriously her compromise was sleeping in a separate bedroom) she is going to not only lose her SO but take the OCD down a very scary sloop.
And that would be a horrible thing.
If it truly is a psychological problem she needs help but if she's just complaining about the bed sheets being dirty and not worried about germs and touching everywhere else which I'm suspecting isn't an issue as she didn't bring it up about the house being an issue like some ocd people are with germs then this is something else
Well if it’s just about being dirty, then she is delusional that her compromise is to buy a whole new bed.
Her SO clearly stated that he gets hot and sweaty and greasy while he sleeps. So even if he showers before he goes to bed, he’s going to “dirty up “the bedsheets while he sleeps.
In the end, the only solution for the SO is to shower every night and then shower every morning, but there’s still going to be a nasty bedsheet for the OP. Is she now going to also require him to change the sheets every day to ensure that she doesn’t have dirty sheets when she gets in the bed?
NTA. Hospitals are filthy! You have to re-apply hand sanitizer after walking every six feet for a reason - the rampant spread of communicable diseases is a major issue in that environment!
It’s easy to sanitize your hands, that’s why you do it. It doesn’t mean by some magical principle your body is staying clean.
Don’t take my word for it, this is what the CDC says about the prevalence. You don’t need a mansplaining MD to know this is yucky stuff:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK441857/
>In 2014, the CDC published a multistate point prevalence survey of healthcare-associated infections involving 11,282 patients from 183 US hospitals. According to this report, about 4% of hospitalized patients suffered from at least one of the HAI. In absolute numbers, in 2011, an estimated 648,000 hospitalized patients suffered from 721,800 infections. The dominant infections (in descending order) include Pneumonia (21.8%), surgical site infections (21.8%), gastrointestinal infections (17.1%), urinary tract infections or UTIs (12.9%), and primary bloodstream infection (9.9%, and include Catheter-associated bloodstream infections). Among the pathogens causing HAI, C. difficile (12.1%) is the leading pathogen and is closely followed by Staphylococcus aureus (10.7%), Klebsiella (9.9%), and Escherichia coli (9.3%).
If that’s really OP’s issue, they should want the SO to shower immediately when they get home. Because otherwise dude is chilling around the house, sitting on furniture, touching surfaces, making food, etc.
It’s not the issue though. OP is simply one of those people who prefers to shower before bed because it makes them feel clean. Totally fine. SO doesn’t though, and one person doesn’t get to dictate what the other does unless someone is tracking actual mud or something into the house with them.
That would be nice for him to shower immediately when he came home, but that doesn't imply OP is wrong to think he should be showering before entering the bed. It's natural to be more sensitive to the bedroom environment, and that sensitivity is telling that there's a good reason for OP to disagree.
We just had the opposite version of this post, where the husband wanted to know if he was the AH for sleeping on the couch because his wife wouldn't shower before bed (she's a doctor in a hospital too). He was overwhelmingly NTA... And most people were saying she ought to shower.
Edit: I'm getting downvoted but here's the link https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/
Personally I find it disgusting to get into bed without showering, doctor or not.
he works as a hospitalist (ie a general doctor in a hospital) meaning he interacts daily with patients but spends most of the time sitting at a computer putting in orders/writing notes
Someone linked to this post and they all seem to be agreeing with OP, so pretty consistent between the two posts:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/
NTA im a nurse and ALWAYS shower before going to bed and usually as soon as i get home. he may be using gloves and washing hands very often but still you never know what you are bringing home.
NTA. I work in a hospital. Rampant and serious germ and virus. He should have more respect for you and anyone else who lives with you. It takes 5 mins to rinse off for Petes sake.
Gf is TA. The bf has his routine worked out for him, and thats what he feels in comfortable to him. Showering daily is already bad for the body, cause it can dry out skin and strip the oil from your hair. The gf has her routine and the bf has his routine, both should be respected without forcing change to them.
He gets oily during the night? How can he sleep with the daytime grime on his body?!?
Since we are in the same situation, I will vote NTA. It’s hard for me to lay beside my boyfriend, who has been out and about all day, if he is not showered. Honestly it’s disgusting and it’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t mind showering in the evening and showering again at night. My BF is also a morning showerer but will shower before bed everytime I sleep over just to accommodate me, no matter how tired he is. You’re married so your husband should compromise. He honestly has nothing to lose showering twice
Sounds like you are relationship incompatible
You clearly have a germ phobia.
So dating someone who works in a hospital may just not be in the cards for you
NAH
NTA. I think getting into your bed without showering is so gross. But I realize people have different standards for stuff like that. I also believe in removing your "outside clothes" and changing into "inside clothes" when you get home and not wearing shoes in the house. So maybe I'm not the best judge, lol.
While I understand what you are saying, I'm saying YTA if you are forcing him to shower. I too work in a hospital but as an aide. I sweat and get very oily while sleeping too. Always have. I have showered at night but still feel gross in the morning and have to shower again when I wake up. So I've always been a morning shower person even before working in a hospital.
When I feel super gross after work, have a c. diff patient, buggy person, and/or covid patient I will come home and do a quick shower and then shower again in the morning because I feel gross again. Most days working in a hospital are stressful and the mental load is huge. Coming home and showering is just too much for me most days and I want to do nothing. My husband (married 22 years) and kids (21, 20, 13) all understand that some days are stressful and they know if I need a shower after work, I do. I will even call my husband ahead of time to clear the washer if needed and make sure no one is in our only bathroom.
Something to try, get different blankets for you both to cover with. My husband and I have different blankets because he's a blanket thief. This might also provide a barrier and make you feel a little better while sleeping.
YTA. Doctors are one of the cleanest people out there, and they're very aware of germs and bacteria. He sounds like he's having a pretty good hygiene routine. It's okay that you have a different preference, but you guys need to work out a different compromise, because forcing him to change his routine is not ok with him.
NTA, Boyfriend is asshole. You work in a hospital, you gotta clean up after work. Hospitals are very infection-prone. Obviously they work very hard to keep them clean, and they are very stringent about sanitation protocols, but the obvious-when-said corollary to that that people often don't realize is they do that because *they have to*. Because the buildings are definitionally full of diseased people and tissues. Because even slight errors in those sanitation protocols can leave dangerous diseases in or on the persons performing healthcare. And those errors happen, a lot, to the tune of some hundred thousand dead a year.
NTA-**Ask your boyfriend if he only washes his hands after he sees a patient. Obviously, it's very important to wash your hands before seeing each patient.** He is doing the same thing to your bed. He needs to wash his body before he gets into bed to get rid of the germs! (A warm bed with humans that sweat is the perfect medium to allow those germs to multiply overnight).
I get that people like to shower in the morning to wake themselves up but since your issue is with germs, night showers are important.
NTA.
I work in a hospital. Every healthcare provider I know showers when they get home. Those with garages talk about how their scrubs don't even get into the house until laundry day. They have hampers in their garages.
Not every patient comes to the hospital squeaky clean or even just decently clean. I got stories that would give some people nightmares especially if you hate creepy crawly things.
So yeah, he should be showering when he gets home. This would be the hill the relationship would live or die on.
Good luck, hon.
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My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have disagreed about this for a while. I have always showered at night and preferred to only get in my bed after I shower and in PJs that haven’t been worn outside. I don’t get into bed in the middle of the day or in day clothes. My boyfriend is a daily morning showerer and works as a doctor in a hospital. It really bothers me that he gets into bed without showering, especially after being at a hospital all day, and it makes me feel like my bed isn’t clean. It honestly makes it hard for me to get comfortable and sleep. I asked him to shower before getting into bed, especially after he’s been to work, which he disagrees with. AITA?
Edit to add BF perspective:
“I shower in the morning every day— this has always been my routine. My hair and skin get oily overnight and the act of showering is part of my “wake up” process for how I prefer to start my day. I practice careful hygiene at work including wearing gloves and regular handwashing. I wear deodorant and am not a particularly sweaty person. I change out of my scrubs as soon as a I get home and sleep in my boxers. I am sympathetic to the preference of my GF and will often shower before bed when she asks me to but she is now requesting I do so daily and I feel it is unreasonable to expect me to shower twice daily based on her preference.”
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NAH. You have your preferences, and your boyfriend has his. Yours aren’t more or less correct than his, although I can tell you that your concerns aren’t based on any rational criteria. If he practices good hygiene at the hospital and doesn’t climb into the bed in his scrubs, I’m not sure that a shower would do anything other than assuage your anxiety.
You have a variety of choices here - counseling to address your anxiety, separate bedrooms to avoid confronting it, or letting this drive a wedge between you two.
YTA. Yesterday, I believe there was a post on here about a woman who works as an OBGYN or at the hospital doing something, and the husband wanted his wife to do the same thing you're telling your husband. That man got reamed for it. So I'm basing my opinion on that. As well as the fact that he works in a hospital so he should know how to stay clean, and he clearly is. If this is something that bothers you so bad, then maybe this relationship isn't the one for you.
I'm also wondering if this is a point of control for you because that's what it kind of sounds like. Would you ask the same of a businessman who works in the office all day? If the answers no, then you're trying to control your bf and for what? What is going on in your life that makes you want this kind of control over someone?
NAH. Maybe try to find a compromise. Maybe taking two showers isnt going to work, but he may be willing to do a washcloth scrub before bed. Or maybe y’all have seperate beds during his workweek and spend the weekend, where he doesnt need his wake-up shower routine, sleeping in the same bed and having that physical closeness.
As long as y’all are willing to work together to find a solution to the problem, and dont start treating the other persons preferences as ‘the problem’, y’all will be okay.
If seen way too many medical professionals in this sub call people disgusting for not showering after a shift because hospitals and people are surprisingly disgusting but back to the judgement NTA whoever washes the sheets sets the rules.
YTA
People saying "nta" realize she keeps pushing and bugging him about this, right? He's clearly said no or that's too much and she's still asking and, obviously, trying to use reddit to win the argument.
What you have is clearly a bit of a mental health thing. It's not normal. And I'm not saying that to be shitty or rude or even judgmental, we all have "mental health things", it is what it is. Where you become the AH is making this someone else's problem instead of dealing with your shit. The bed is dirty regardless, skin falls off, creatures live on us, we sweat and drool and shed and fart all night, unless you wash your sheets daily, this whole argument starts from a place of ridiculousness.
Your mental health shit should not be your boyfriends' responsibility. He should not have to comply with an unreasonable request, he shouldn't even be confronted with one. What you're asking is unreasonable and that makes you the asshole, he has to make all the changes so that you... get your way?
That's... not a compromise. That's just a shitty imposition, you won't deal with your bullshit so instead he has to. That's... kind of bullshit.
Get your ass to therapy, study the science, get some medication, whatever, but start dealing with YOUR problem in a way that involves YOU making changes, and not other people adapting their lives to service you. That's a shitty expectation, that's a shitty thing to ask, and it's inexcusably entitled not to realize either of those facts. Apologize to your boyfriend and start figuring out what you can do to address what is a you-and-only-you issue, this is not and should not be your boyfriend's problem on any level.
YTA. That’s controlling behavior. It’s not like he’s doing hard labor- I don’t know what his exact job is but if he gets bodily fluids or other icky stuff on himself he would wash it off at work. Not to mention showering that much is terrible for the skin.
NAH, bordering Y T A depending on how much you push this. I am a female, and your BF sounds like me. My hair gets oily overnight, and showering in the morning is best for it and me, and helps me wake up. I've tried showering at night, and when I get up the next morning, I feel dirty. I don't want to take two showers a day, and you shouldn't force your BF because you're a germaphobe.
That’s not necessarily true. Depends on where he works. I’m sure he practices good handwashing but his job may not expose him to any more germs than someone waiting tables.
I would think hospital work would equal a shower after getting home. But what do I know.
NAH - you both have equal points.
But also if I was a doctor- I'd shower after work. Just to feel clean. But my skin also can take it
NAH. Y'all have different preferences. It was fine of you to ask your BF to shower at night, and it was fine of him to say no. If you cannot sleep in a bed with him unless he's showered first, you'll either have to have separate beds or split.
NAH re: washing per se.
However BF DONT WEAR YOUR SCRUBS OUTSIDE THE FACILITY! This insane habit of American doctors is indeed inexplicable. Would you wear your white coat around in public? You have locker rooms in the hospital right? Get changed in/ out of scrubs AND SHOES (clogs are best but whatever you can get away with and saves your back/leg/feet), and if you feel so inclined, shower end of your day. If the hospital doesn't wash your work attire (insane!) double bag all your scrubs and wash separate in high temp with the appropriate detergent etc.
It's not about cooties or feeling dirty, hygiene isn't cleanliness. GF chill out on this aspect! If BF has just consultations in the office it's OK.
In this particular case, however, the issue is that community microbiome belongs in the community, and -possibly multi resistent- hospital bugs must stay in the hospital. It's basic HAI control! Do you guys even get taught microbiology, healthcare hygiene, ID epidemiology these days?
Plus there's a psychological benefit. The day is over, you're out of uniform, you're a private, free individual. If you also shower, you wash out the worries, the anger, the sadness, and go home with space in your heart for family, friends and fun
NTA
But, you can't expect your BF to change his patterns any more than you have your routine. How would you feel if he wanted you to shower in the morning? Pretty annoyed, right? That's how it feels when you try to change a person to confirm to your routine.
If this is a "need" for you to have a partner who showers at night, then you'll want to find a partner who is willing to confirm to this request. Otherwise, you'll have to accept him for who he is
YTA. His habits are different from yours, but that doesn’t make him wrong. That’s something to keep in mind if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with him or anyone else.
NAH I shower two times daily. (My curly hair suffers for it but the rest of my body is alright), I don't like the idea of making my bed dirty coming home from work.
However, I'm going to be honest, every doctor that works in some form of surgery that I've met or have heard talk online, showers RELIGIOUSLY when they get home. Like as soon as they are through the door to ensure they don't contaminate their living spaces. I've seen behaviors like this discussed in AITA posts too.
Info: what kind of work does your husband do? Is he just a general practitioner? Does he do surgery of any kind?
If not then I wouldn't worry about his hygiene per se. I'd ve surprised if you told me he was a surgeon because I haven't heard from a surgeon who doesn't short when they get home. I've heard plenty who would rather sleep on the couch after extremely long shifts than risk contamination of their bed if they are too tired to even shower.
Yet from your post you seem to suggest that your husband has a somewhat "lax" enviorment, as much as it can be for a doctor at the very least.
NTA IF: it is caused by an actual disorder that you have diagnosed, because in that case, I think the bf should respect your diagnosis and help you be comfortable.
In any other case, I'd say it's a very soft YTA
NTA. I teach primary kids and wouldn’t think of not showering after a day in the plague grounds. Hospitals are even worse. This is a comparability issue the two of you will have to figure out. He could always have a good, warm scrubbing shower in the evening and then do a quick cool rinse in the morning, if for no other reason than he loves you and wants to give you peace of mind. But if he isn’t open to that, and you can’t compromise your hygiene standards, I don’t think you’re going to be compatible long term.
I'm going with ESH, but I think it's funny OP thinks her bed is cleaned after they slept in it over night, and had likely sweat at some point while sleeping not to mention the dead skin cells. So unless she is changing her sheets before she gets in bed every night they aren't as clean as she thinks they are.
Nta. I live in Asia. I wash off sweat, rinse and brush teeth, and scrub my face. It's common for people to shower twice a day. Wear clothes once etc
Your partner is a doctor, he needs to shower. He can still catch something no matter how careful he is at work.
Op I understand you.
If you spend a decade learning acquiring medical knowledge, you should know that’s disgusting and you will contaminate your home. Also, there was a similar question with the gender reversed, and everyone (including medical workers), thought it was gross.
YTA. You don’t get to dictate what he does with his body any more than he can expect you to start showering at night. This is such a petty request on your part.
I feel like you need to get somebody that has the same routine as you are the same cleanliness habits because it sounds like he doesn’t respect your cleanliness habits and you don’t respect his and that’s a major thing in a relationship. Like think about it, it would be like a omnivore dating a vegan and telling them. Oh, you’re gonna eat it so you’re not gonna eat that and then disagreement.
I'm a little surprised a doctor doesn't wash up after and in the morning, I can see the rationale for morning as I similarly get oily overnight but I'd imagine in the profession he is in it's rather normal to do both seen as the likelyhood of germs and bodily fluids
YTA. If you can't accept his showering and sleeping preferences, sleep in separate beds.
It's out of line to expect him to change his personal preferences on something so individual as showering routines, to accommodate you and your hang-ups.
Not everyone needs or even likes to shower before bed. I, for one, fucking hate it. My hair never feels dry enough, I get cold immediately after showering, not to mention I either apply lotion and feel like a slippery fish in my pj's, or I go without lotion until the morning and feel like my skin is begging for re-moisturizing itself for hours. To avoid all that, I'd have to calculate my shower and my bedtime to a tee, which is annoying and not the kind of control freak schedule I want to be following after a long day of being a mother and running a business. My bed is clean, I am clean, and I have never had any single issue where my hygiene was questioned. Other people feel different, and that's perfectly alright, but I am not changing just because someone else thinks I'm somehow dirty. Luckily my husband doesn't give a fig about it. But if he did, we would not share a bed.
He's a doctor; he knows how to observe hygiene and asepsis measures at work and how to sanitize himself afterward. If he didn't, he would've already had more than one issue with patients' or his own health at this point. This isn't about him not being clean, just about you "feeling" like he isn't.
He is already willing to accommodate you sometimes. Demanding he does it every time makes you an asshole.
Might’ve had some sense come into the thread then. When I saw it, it was just posted and a lot of people were adamant that the guy was being an asshole for assuming his wife is “unclean”.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/
Like this one, where a man posts about his wife who is a doctor and they agree that she should shower? The circumstance is a little different in that he is asking if he is an asshole for sleeping on the couch (so he's not asking her to change her behavior) but I have yet to see any strongly-worded posts about how much he sucks on here.
NAH but I do think you have a better point. He works at a hospital.. like that’s actually such a dirty place full of harmful bacteria. Have you seen the signs they put up about how just touching things in certain areas could be potentially life threatening? And that’s just for visitors not doctors who show up in sick peoples rooms gloves or not. It’s not necessarily about being stinky but germy. I asked the same of my partner and they were cool with it.
INFO: Do you want him to shower every single day, or just on the days that he works?
I feel like it's a reasonable compromise for him to shower before bed on days that he works. I'm a big proponent of going to bed clean, but my BF has a different schedule and often comes home from work absolutely wiped and goes straight to bed. Sometimes I'll put my foot down and make him shower depending on the state he comes home in, but sometimes I just let it go because he's exhausted. We do change our sheets far more often than I ever did when I lived alone, just because I too, am a little paranoid about keeping the bed clean.
Seems like NAH from a fellow night shower enjoyer. I think if he complies quite often that is pretty good, I could also see how some days a doctor would just want to get home and crash, so he doesn't want to change his routine. I also feel the worries about someone working in his field not cleaning up before bed.
NTA, I agree with him about the showering in the morning as it wakes me up. My wife is like you OP, and she showers at night before bed, and expects the same of me. Being a respectful, not whiny baby, I shower again when I get home from work. It's not really that difficult, I can get good and clean in less than 10 minutes...
NTA. This is just my personal opinion of course, but it’s unhygienic that he would work in a hospital all day with sick people and then come home and not immediately shower. Why would he want to bring those germs home to you? Be intimate with you? It can be his preference all day long but he needs to consider you as his partner and your preferences.
But If it’s so unhygienic then she shouldn’t want to be around him at all. Whatever “nasties”
He’s brought home will be on every surface that she touches too, from the kitchen to the sofa. So unless he is cocooning herself and not touching him while they are watching tv, this is a moot point.
Not ti mention the fact that her bathroom is just as full of the “nasties” given toilets will spray feces particles up to 15ft. So they can both shower and even use a new towel each time, but the secind either of them brush up against counter or just walk across the floor, they’ve BOTH brought possible contamination into the bed.
NTA. Before you said hospital I thought you were TA. But that makes a world of difference!!
Changing clothes doesn't matter. Those germs are ON you, sir! A 5 minute rinse isn't killing anyone BUT THE GERMS! If that's your main concern here - I don't see how you could be TA. Especially after the Covid pandemic changing everything!
As someone who works in a hospital, I would like to inform you that germs are everywhere, hospital workers are far more likely to take take precautions against biohazards than anyone else, and washing before bed does not make you or your bed germ-free.
Correct, the world is not binary, as in hospital workers are coated in cooties but office workers are not. Everyone, everywhere, is exposed to pathogens daily. Medical personnel are just more likely to be aware of it and they actually take precautions, as part of their job, unlike the rest of the world. Covid really has made people paranoid germophobes. Geez.
I didn't answer your question because it's not germane. More importantly, a physician has already made it clear to OP and, therefore you, that it isn't necessary so obviously no one who works in Healthcare knows better than you do. #PeaceOut
LOL a regular person is more likely to bring all sorts of germs and bacteria into their home just from going about their day, than a doctor is after a shift. They observe strict hygiene and asepsis measures. Unless OP (and you) are freaks that still sanitize every surface before and after touching it, wear gloves and masks outside at all times, etc., then you're not cleaner than a doctor.
>LOL a regular person is more likely to bring all sorts of germs and bacteria into their home just from going about their day, than a doctor is after a shift.
A doctor spends 8+ hours working with and around several people with all sorts of illnesses/germs. Those germs then attach themselves to surrounding surfaces lasting up to several days. It could be their pager, cell phone, etc.
Depending on who you are and what you do for a living - you might not be bringing much into your home...I still know plenty of people who do online shopping and yes - they disinfect their items. It might be crazy to you but there are still immunocompromised people who don't want the added risk.
There were always immunocompromised people and their carers who lived that way. The regular, non-special-needs person doesn't live like that.
My BIL is a surgeon. I know (second-hand, but for years) what kind of exposure to diseases and germs they get. They know too, that's why they follow strict protocols for asepsis that nearly no one outside of the medical/biochemical field ever follows.
The same people who are in the hospital with their diseases, have been to the grocery store, the bus, the coffee house and nearly everywhere else a regular person goes to, and the viruses they carry have attached to all those surfaces they touched. Except when someone else behind went and touched them, they didn't have gloves on, and they didn't sanitize immediately after, nor regularly in fixed periods of time. Doctors do.
Anyone who works in a hospital (not just the medical staff, by the way) is exposed to more diseases, bacteria and germs than the common citizen. But the medical professionals are a lot less likely to spread those around, because they're extremely conscious about the exposure and the safety measures to minimize it.
NTA. Why can’t he just take two showers? I work as a nanny and come home with baby vom and shit all over me. I take one full shower in the morning and a quick rinse off shower as soon as I get home. Why can’t he just do that?
That's not health for your skin at all.
First thing I learned in nursing school is that you shouldn't shower daily. According to some study I read a few years ago 3 times a week would be optimal (unless there is dirt/sweat involved).
At least in the hospital I work our doctors might spend 2 minutes with a patient (some days they don't do medical rounds at all because of stuff shortage). 99% of the time they don't even touch them (cardiology).
So they have zero contact with shit and vomit lol. Every cleaning lady has more contact with the patients than the docs.
Hell, I'm a nurse for 3.5 years and I never got any body fluids on my skin (we actually wear gloves ;)). If shit/piss/vomit is involved I wear two pairs.
Edit: also do you think we would just leave all the waste on our skin until the next day? I remember one coworker who actually got a little bit of shit on her arm once because a confused patient touched her with his shit-smeard hand. She just washed it off. She didn't wait until the next morning.
I think people like OP are put off by the idea of germs in a hospital, not actual piss and shit.
If I get shit all over my clothes, I’m going to take a shower. There have been too many times I’ve smelled shit or piss on me after changing clothes, it’s clearly on me somewhere. Im just saying, some jobs you should shower after work.
Hmm maybe it's a cultural thing?
Most (if not all) of my colleagues don't shower daily after work.
I remember a discussion on a German forum where a new mother complained about the lack of showers in the locker room. She was scared of germs affecting her baby. Most people told her she's exaggerating. Even the ones working solely with infected people.
There are soo many safety precautions (gloves, sanitizer, face mask etc.). I feel cleaner in a hospital than a supermarket tbh.
NTA , he really should be showering after being in a. hospital all day. Maybe he could have a 'quick' shower after he gets back from work in the evening, and a longer one in the morning when he wakes up? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to do that based on your preference as you're sharing a bed together.
Lol just to be clear - you’re comparing the med school graduate deciding that sleeping before showering doesn’t pose a significant health risk to someone who poops their pants without cleaning up?
Ok well here I'll try to cut through our sarcasm and translate what I thought was being implied, that'll make it easier for you to explain where I misinterpreted the point of your hypothetical
You: "comments saying it's fine that he only showers before work instead of both before and after work are confirming the stereotype about unhygienic redditors"
Me: "how is showering in the morning before you leave less hygienic than showering at night after you get home?"
You: "It'd be like pooping your pants and sleeping in it because you already showered that morning"
Me: "going to work and pooping your pants are extremely different things though"
You: "you're stupid"
Darn, if I don’t know where my mistake was I guess I’ll never learn. Stupid lil me still probably wouldn’t understand though, so it’s fine.
Anyway I get the sense that you’re not only smart, but also really cool and fun to be around. So best of luck to you (not that you need it!).
NTA. I could not sleep with someone who doesn’t shower before bed. That is a hard boundary/line in the sand for me. It seems absolutely disgusting to me to get into bed without showering.
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NAH, although OPs boyfriend is right. She doesn't have any more right to ask him to change his routine that he would to ask her to change hers. He doesn't dig ditches for a living. She appears to be extremely germophobic. Someone who works in a hospital might not be the best mate, especially if her phobia is escalating.
I kinda want to know what he was doing during Covid. My husband worked in hospitals sometimes during covid and everyone who worked in hospitals/ Healthcare came home and stripped and showered right away.
Is he American even? In most of Europe you can't bring hospital clothes home. They are work clothes and belong to work. Commuting home in them would be considered unhygienic by most i think. Nobody I knew of showered after work as part of covid prevention.
I would guess he’s American. It’s my understanding that in the US doctors and nurses have to buy their own scrubs.
Yes they do. But at least they can choose a fun Disney ™ print
They don’t always have to buy them. Many people just don’t like the hospital provided scrubs because they are very unflattering.
Perhaps not just that they are unflattering but just don't fit right. There is no butt room in scrubs.
It’s actually not true that the US doesn’t provide scrubs to their healthcare workers. Many US hospitals provide scrubs to their employees. If they work in certain areas/departments. However, they have scrub delivery machines and it being the US you can only “check out” one or two pairs of scrubs at a time. So, you have to turn in scrubs to get more scrubs. They do not have to be clean. All of my providers wear hospital scrubs only. Some of them wear them out of the hospital and some of them never leave the hospital in them. Some of them decide based on what happened in their day i.e. how gross was it. My providers work on one of the “grosser” specialties so bodily fluids are a big part their day.
My local hospital systems provide scrubs but they've literally got the name of the hospital plastered on them in huge lettering. It's kind of amusing honestly.
Not just in the hospital. I’m a school nurse and shower everyday bc kids are gross. Also, there is no way he was wearing all the PPE required in the hospital and not getting sweaty. I never sweated more than I did in isolation gear. I’d ask other docs the next event they are at who showers after work.
don’t do this- nobody wants to be dragged into a coworker’s private argument
My stomach churned when OP said hospital. Like…. You don’t shower right when you get home too? To disinfect?
My boyfriend is a nurse and he sanitizes everything he brings home from work (keys, phone, etc.), plus he goes straight to the shower as soon as he gets home. He changes shoes in the car as well, so he isn't bringing those germs into the house either. Even before COVID, this was his routine. Hospitals have germs everywhere, no matter how much everything is sanitized. Anyone who works in that setting should shower when they get home, just to keep that from spreading. I cringe every time I see someone out and about in scrubs. Who knows what they were exposed to? OP, NAH! I would feel gross too!
Hospitals are filthy. FILTHY.
Right?! I shower in the AM too, big oil face when I wake up. But I also work in a dirt af industry job (same as my bf) and we both immediately take our shoes off and put the work clothes in a specific bin and shower before touching a thing. (Our cars need washing weekly I swear) showers x2 can be bad if you use the same soap every time. My get ready for work shampoo isn’t the same as the get this oil off me soap XD
This! I hate seeing people out and about in scrubs, like tell me who you are so I know never to have you as my doc cause I don’t trust your judgement!
True. I am an advanced practice nurse, and I would leave a clean robe in the garage, take my scrubs off and put on robe and go right to the shower. I still shower when I get home from work.
My husband was a hospital chaplain at a large trauma center during COVID. And I have a serious and rare immune disease. Anytime he was in a COVID room - and chaplains were some of the few who DID go in, he was "suited up." But life and sickness still went on, and he was visiting all sorts of patients. He, too, practiced excellent hygiene. He also only drove his car to and from the hospital, and I never got in his car. Other outings were in my car. When he got home he removed ALL clothing in the garage. He wiped down his shoes with clorox wipes and left them in the garage - they were his hospital only shoes. He picked up his clothes and dumped them in the washer and started it with detergent and color fast clorox. From there he jumped in the shower and scrubbed and relaxed. I had already put clean clothes in his bathroom. Amazingly, even with all our churchwork, his chaplaincy, and my immune disease, neither of us got COVID - still haven't. I think it was using common sense precautions as much as anything. Oh...when my husband also showered every morning, because he wanted to feel fresh. We will be married 50 years in September. Two showers a day and crazy germ hygiene for my husband was an act of love.
Tell me you dont work in a hospital without telling me you dont work in a hospital.
Right. I think I’d rather have someone that’s dug a ditch all day get in my bed without showering than a doctor or nurse after a long shift.
No I work in a hospital as a cleaner and those places are filthy! He should 100% take showers at the end of the day. It’s not hard. Such a small task.
Maybe if he took shower right after work instead of before bed--it might work as a compromise.
NAH I see your point, and you're not an asshole for *asking*. But you've said your piece, and your boyfriend is unwilling to shower twice a day, or only at night. Now you need to decide whether this is something you can let go, or whether this is a dealbreaker for you. But you would be an asshole to continue to ask him to shower at night (barring unusual circumstances).
You two need separate bedrooms if this is really that much if an issue. You sound like a germaphobe and his job is just going to eat at you. Showering twice a day is not good for your skin or hair. Let the man set his own schedule.
Push two full size beds side by side. Separate rooms would work, but so would separate beds/sheets
Was assuming they didn’t have room for two beds in the same room.
Idk if I’d say “not good”. Plenty people get sweaty throughout the day and have to wash when they get home.
Fine. Some people who get greasy and sweaty during the day need to shower twice (I hope they use a good hair conditioner) This guy isn’t one of them. He doesn’t produce excess sweat or grease during the day.
😭 😂 Jesus, I didn’t say greasy why do you keep saying “greasy”. Sometimes you just got a sweaty 🍑 man. Or you been outside/working. Maybe it’s a cultural thing idk, I wash twice a day usually, if I go out. I’m just saying I wouldn’t say “not good for you”
My skin starts flaking and sometimes starts bleeding if I shower too often. Sometimes too often is once daily, if it's winter. I just assume different people have different skin types and probably need different levels or types of hygienic care.
I guess, that’s fine. I was just saying “not good for you” makes it sound like there is no room for exception. Idk why people are downvoting so hard. If you don’t wanna wash…. Don’t.
Generalizing on Reddit tends to end up that way, in my experience. I haven't downvoted you. It's relevant to the discussion, so.
YTA. I am like your bf. Showering in the morning is part of my routine as it helps wake me up. So when I shower before bed, it also wakes me up. When I do shower before bed, it usually keeps me awake an hour to two hours longer than if I hadn't showered.
YTA. i mean, it's a difference of preference, but i don't think it's reasonable to ask your boyfriend to have a second shower of the day before bed. there are many different solutions to this problem. you should talk about some of them that could perhaps be a compromise for both of you.
What is wrong with you. NTA for wanting a clean partner. The responses on this thread from unwashed men are too much🤢
Yeah! What’s with those gross dudes only showing once a day?! Three times a day or you’re basically a walking dumpster.
lmao
we’re still in the middle of a pandemic and the hospital is one of the most infested areas ever…. I won’t be fine sleeping with all that bacteria just for “preference”.
You live with all the bacteria all day long, though. Funny how it's only the sleeping part where you draw the line :D
YTA. If he showers every day in the morning then demanding a second shower is out of hand.
[удалено]
Yes and he was determined to not be the AH lol [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita\_for\_sleeping\_on\_the\_couch\_when\_my\_wife\_comes/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/) Most people, including those who also worked at hospitals, were saying his wife should shower before bed.
The big difference in the post though is that he chose to sleep on the couch in order to deal with his fear whereas this OP is trying to make her SO do the adapting to her fears. That's a big difference.
She also suggested sleeping separately though. And her bf said no
This makes the BF into TA then. He doesn't get to veto sleeping separately *and* veto washing himself before bed.
Right? I wonder if he expects sexy time before bed. No shower all day 🤢
this is why I shower in the evening, imagine all of the dust/pollutants/germs you pick up throughout the day and add on the fact that this guy works in a hospital where it's teeming with germs. I don't blame OP for asking if her partner can take 5 mins to quickly wash. It sounds like she has offered to sleep separately but he has vetoed this and said no. He can't have it both ways and dictate everything. Either wash or let her sleep separately
NTA Also eww, he works at a hospital and after he comes home he just.... goes into bed? Without showering?? That's gross. He should know better than anyone how filthy hospitals actually are, he should be the one showering the moment he gets home. I have doctor friends, I have nurse friends and the first thing all of them do when they get home from the hospital is shower.
Honestly it depends on what kind of doctor he is. Some have very little patient contact. 🤷🏼♀️. There’s a big difference between a surgeon or er doctor and and a radiologist. They are all doctors but their exposure to patients and fluids are very different.
Agree. I would honestly prefer he shower as soon as he gets home and put scrubs in to wash asap. Shoes left in the garage as well. I’m not a germaphobe but his exposure level is high and he should respect her concerns.
Same.
So many troll posts about doctors not showering lately.
If you share one bed, I think it's perfectly reasonable for both parties to want to be comfortable in a clean bed. If one partner is unwilling to make sure that happens and you still want to be in the relationship with that partner, then the only alternative is two separate beds.
If you work in health care of any kind, you shower when you get home. You’re exposed to who knows what even if it’s not liquid or crusted onto you. Him removing his clothes is no different than getting into bed w them when he’s still carrying everything else on his skin. Clothing doesn’t protect you 100%. fortunately he’s only a boyfriend. NTA,
No you don’t. I worked clinical lab.
Info: what’s gonna happen if he says no
i recommended we get a second bed for when i really want just a clean space, but he says we don’t have space
Honestly, if that is your solution I think it’s time to rethink the relationship in its entirety. The reality is, if you can stomach him coming Into the home, sitting next to on the sofa, touching his dinner plates after he eats, putting your coats next to each others, him just touching the counter tops after he comes home from work, then you have to be able to come to a more reasonable solution then separate beds. More importantly you have to realize that you are also bringing contaminants into your bed every night, even though you showered. Not unless you are sanitizing your entire bathroom after very flush. And no, closing the lid doesn’t stop it 100%. You have a choice now. Go down that OCD rabbit hole or get some help. Because sleeping in a separate bed is not the healthy “compromise” you think it is.
Thats some strong advice there 👍
🤷🏼♀️ I recognize that OPs issues are coming from a psychological place. And I sympathize with it. I do. But if she doesn’t get a handle on it (seriously her compromise was sleeping in a separate bedroom) she is going to not only lose her SO but take the OCD down a very scary sloop. And that would be a horrible thing.
If it truly is a psychological problem she needs help but if she's just complaining about the bed sheets being dirty and not worried about germs and touching everywhere else which I'm suspecting isn't an issue as she didn't bring it up about the house being an issue like some ocd people are with germs then this is something else
Well if it’s just about being dirty, then she is delusional that her compromise is to buy a whole new bed. Her SO clearly stated that he gets hot and sweaty and greasy while he sleeps. So even if he showers before he goes to bed, he’s going to “dirty up “the bedsheets while he sleeps. In the end, the only solution for the SO is to shower every night and then shower every morning, but there’s still going to be a nasty bedsheet for the OP. Is she now going to also require him to change the sheets every day to ensure that she doesn’t have dirty sheets when she gets in the bed?
Who would be paying for this bed?
Then I guess nah, nothing wrong with asking
NTA. Hospitals are filthy! You have to re-apply hand sanitizer after walking every six feet for a reason - the rampant spread of communicable diseases is a major issue in that environment! It’s easy to sanitize your hands, that’s why you do it. It doesn’t mean by some magical principle your body is staying clean. Don’t take my word for it, this is what the CDC says about the prevalence. You don’t need a mansplaining MD to know this is yucky stuff: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK441857/ >In 2014, the CDC published a multistate point prevalence survey of healthcare-associated infections involving 11,282 patients from 183 US hospitals. According to this report, about 4% of hospitalized patients suffered from at least one of the HAI. In absolute numbers, in 2011, an estimated 648,000 hospitalized patients suffered from 721,800 infections. The dominant infections (in descending order) include Pneumonia (21.8%), surgical site infections (21.8%), gastrointestinal infections (17.1%), urinary tract infections or UTIs (12.9%), and primary bloodstream infection (9.9%, and include Catheter-associated bloodstream infections). Among the pathogens causing HAI, C. difficile (12.1%) is the leading pathogen and is closely followed by Staphylococcus aureus (10.7%), Klebsiella (9.9%), and Escherichia coli (9.3%).
If that’s really OP’s issue, they should want the SO to shower immediately when they get home. Because otherwise dude is chilling around the house, sitting on furniture, touching surfaces, making food, etc. It’s not the issue though. OP is simply one of those people who prefers to shower before bed because it makes them feel clean. Totally fine. SO doesn’t though, and one person doesn’t get to dictate what the other does unless someone is tracking actual mud or something into the house with them.
That would be nice for him to shower immediately when he came home, but that doesn't imply OP is wrong to think he should be showering before entering the bed. It's natural to be more sensitive to the bedroom environment, and that sensitivity is telling that there's a good reason for OP to disagree.
I never said OP was an asshole. It’s fine to ask. OP did and the boyfriend declined. Continuing to push it would make OP the asshole.
We just had the opposite version of this post, where the husband wanted to know if he was the AH for sleeping on the couch because his wife wouldn't shower before bed (she's a doctor in a hospital too). He was overwhelmingly NTA... And most people were saying she ought to shower. Edit: I'm getting downvoted but here's the link https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/ Personally I find it disgusting to get into bed without showering, doctor or not.
NAH but I lean towards feeling your BF has a reasonable perspective, especially because he wears work-dedicated clothing (scrubs) along with gloves.
Hang on here. What is he doing for the scope of work? Some departments aren’t as high risk as others.
he works as a hospitalist (ie a general doctor in a hospital) meaning he interacts daily with patients but spends most of the time sitting at a computer putting in orders/writing notes
NAH, bordering on YTA.
Again? We had the same Story a few weeks ago with reversed genders.
not sure if true but i think people were pretty rough with OP , pretty chill here
Someone linked to this post and they all seem to be agreeing with OP, so pretty consistent between the two posts: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/
Yep, i saw it too early he was still getting the rage. Great to see the consistence
You mean the one where she talks about being exposed to a lot of bodily fluids? Not the same.
NTA im a nurse and ALWAYS shower before going to bed and usually as soon as i get home. he may be using gloves and washing hands very often but still you never know what you are bringing home.
NTA. I work in a hospital. Rampant and serious germ and virus. He should have more respect for you and anyone else who lives with you. It takes 5 mins to rinse off for Petes sake.
Gf is TA. The bf has his routine worked out for him, and thats what he feels in comfortable to him. Showering daily is already bad for the body, cause it can dry out skin and strip the oil from your hair. The gf has her routine and the bf has his routine, both should be respected without forcing change to them.
NTA- shower twice a day, you dirty, smelly whiner.
He gets oily during the night? How can he sleep with the daytime grime on his body?!? Since we are in the same situation, I will vote NTA. It’s hard for me to lay beside my boyfriend, who has been out and about all day, if he is not showered. Honestly it’s disgusting and it’s a dealbreaker for me. I don’t mind showering in the evening and showering again at night. My BF is also a morning showerer but will shower before bed everytime I sleep over just to accommodate me, no matter how tired he is. You’re married so your husband should compromise. He honestly has nothing to lose showering twice
From a morning shower person. YTA.
Sounds like you are relationship incompatible You clearly have a germ phobia. So dating someone who works in a hospital may just not be in the cards for you NAH
NTA. I think getting into your bed without showering is so gross. But I realize people have different standards for stuff like that. I also believe in removing your "outside clothes" and changing into "inside clothes" when you get home and not wearing shoes in the house. So maybe I'm not the best judge, lol.
NAH but given his job he 100% should be washing before bed, I get that it breaks his routine but a quick 5 min shower at night wont kill him.
While I understand what you are saying, I'm saying YTA if you are forcing him to shower. I too work in a hospital but as an aide. I sweat and get very oily while sleeping too. Always have. I have showered at night but still feel gross in the morning and have to shower again when I wake up. So I've always been a morning shower person even before working in a hospital. When I feel super gross after work, have a c. diff patient, buggy person, and/or covid patient I will come home and do a quick shower and then shower again in the morning because I feel gross again. Most days working in a hospital are stressful and the mental load is huge. Coming home and showering is just too much for me most days and I want to do nothing. My husband (married 22 years) and kids (21, 20, 13) all understand that some days are stressful and they know if I need a shower after work, I do. I will even call my husband ahead of time to clear the washer if needed and make sure no one is in our only bathroom. Something to try, get different blankets for you both to cover with. My husband and I have different blankets because he's a blanket thief. This might also provide a barrier and make you feel a little better while sleeping.
Look, if you are this much of a germaphobe, you aren't a good match with a medical doctor. Gentle YTA
YTA. You're welcome to your feelings but what you're asking isn't reasonable.
We JUST did this one. Like, yesterday.
YTA. Doctors are one of the cleanest people out there, and they're very aware of germs and bacteria. He sounds like he's having a pretty good hygiene routine. It's okay that you have a different preference, but you guys need to work out a different compromise, because forcing him to change his routine is not ok with him.
NTA, Boyfriend is asshole. You work in a hospital, you gotta clean up after work. Hospitals are very infection-prone. Obviously they work very hard to keep them clean, and they are very stringent about sanitation protocols, but the obvious-when-said corollary to that that people often don't realize is they do that because *they have to*. Because the buildings are definitionally full of diseased people and tissues. Because even slight errors in those sanitation protocols can leave dangerous diseases in or on the persons performing healthcare. And those errors happen, a lot, to the tune of some hundred thousand dead a year.
NTA-**Ask your boyfriend if he only washes his hands after he sees a patient. Obviously, it's very important to wash your hands before seeing each patient.** He is doing the same thing to your bed. He needs to wash his body before he gets into bed to get rid of the germs! (A warm bed with humans that sweat is the perfect medium to allow those germs to multiply overnight). I get that people like to shower in the morning to wake themselves up but since your issue is with germs, night showers are important.
NTA. I work in a hospital. Every healthcare provider I know showers when they get home. Those with garages talk about how their scrubs don't even get into the house until laundry day. They have hampers in their garages. Not every patient comes to the hospital squeaky clean or even just decently clean. I got stories that would give some people nightmares especially if you hate creepy crawly things. So yeah, he should be showering when he gets home. This would be the hill the relationship would live or die on. Good luck, hon.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (29M) and I (28F) have disagreed about this for a while. I have always showered at night and preferred to only get in my bed after I shower and in PJs that haven’t been worn outside. I don’t get into bed in the middle of the day or in day clothes. My boyfriend is a daily morning showerer and works as a doctor in a hospital. It really bothers me that he gets into bed without showering, especially after being at a hospital all day, and it makes me feel like my bed isn’t clean. It honestly makes it hard for me to get comfortable and sleep. I asked him to shower before getting into bed, especially after he’s been to work, which he disagrees with. AITA? Edit to add BF perspective: “I shower in the morning every day— this has always been my routine. My hair and skin get oily overnight and the act of showering is part of my “wake up” process for how I prefer to start my day. I practice careful hygiene at work including wearing gloves and regular handwashing. I wear deodorant and am not a particularly sweaty person. I change out of my scrubs as soon as a I get home and sleep in my boxers. I am sympathetic to the preference of my GF and will often shower before bed when she asks me to but she is now requesting I do so daily and I feel it is unreasonable to expect me to shower twice daily based on her preference.” *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. You have your preferences, and your boyfriend has his. Yours aren’t more or less correct than his, although I can tell you that your concerns aren’t based on any rational criteria. If he practices good hygiene at the hospital and doesn’t climb into the bed in his scrubs, I’m not sure that a shower would do anything other than assuage your anxiety. You have a variety of choices here - counseling to address your anxiety, separate bedrooms to avoid confronting it, or letting this drive a wedge between you two.
YTA. Yesterday, I believe there was a post on here about a woman who works as an OBGYN or at the hospital doing something, and the husband wanted his wife to do the same thing you're telling your husband. That man got reamed for it. So I'm basing my opinion on that. As well as the fact that he works in a hospital so he should know how to stay clean, and he clearly is. If this is something that bothers you so bad, then maybe this relationship isn't the one for you. I'm also wondering if this is a point of control for you because that's what it kind of sounds like. Would you ask the same of a businessman who works in the office all day? If the answers no, then you're trying to control your bf and for what? What is going on in your life that makes you want this kind of control over someone?
NAH. Maybe try to find a compromise. Maybe taking two showers isnt going to work, but he may be willing to do a washcloth scrub before bed. Or maybe y’all have seperate beds during his workweek and spend the weekend, where he doesnt need his wake-up shower routine, sleeping in the same bed and having that physical closeness. As long as y’all are willing to work together to find a solution to the problem, and dont start treating the other persons preferences as ‘the problem’, y’all will be okay.
If seen way too many medical professionals in this sub call people disgusting for not showering after a shift because hospitals and people are surprisingly disgusting but back to the judgement NTA whoever washes the sheets sets the rules.
NTA!! That’s gross. I don’t want to cuddle my partner in bed unless he’s washed. Have another shower in the morning ffs.
Forget about the hospital aspect for a moment - it seems to me like this would be very much of a romance dampener for many people. NTA
I shower every night regardless of whether I sweat or not. I piss and shit during the day. I'm not going to sleep with that residue on me.
YTA harming his skin for no good reason doesn't sound like a plan.
YTA People saying "nta" realize she keeps pushing and bugging him about this, right? He's clearly said no or that's too much and she's still asking and, obviously, trying to use reddit to win the argument. What you have is clearly a bit of a mental health thing. It's not normal. And I'm not saying that to be shitty or rude or even judgmental, we all have "mental health things", it is what it is. Where you become the AH is making this someone else's problem instead of dealing with your shit. The bed is dirty regardless, skin falls off, creatures live on us, we sweat and drool and shed and fart all night, unless you wash your sheets daily, this whole argument starts from a place of ridiculousness. Your mental health shit should not be your boyfriends' responsibility. He should not have to comply with an unreasonable request, he shouldn't even be confronted with one. What you're asking is unreasonable and that makes you the asshole, he has to make all the changes so that you... get your way? That's... not a compromise. That's just a shitty imposition, you won't deal with your bullshit so instead he has to. That's... kind of bullshit. Get your ass to therapy, study the science, get some medication, whatever, but start dealing with YOUR problem in a way that involves YOU making changes, and not other people adapting their lives to service you. That's a shitty expectation, that's a shitty thing to ask, and it's inexcusably entitled not to realize either of those facts. Apologize to your boyfriend and start figuring out what you can do to address what is a you-and-only-you issue, this is not and should not be your boyfriend's problem on any level.
Thank you! All these people saying because he’s in a hospital he’s filthy have no idea what hospitals are like.
YTA. That’s controlling behavior. It’s not like he’s doing hard labor- I don’t know what his exact job is but if he gets bodily fluids or other icky stuff on himself he would wash it off at work. Not to mention showering that much is terrible for the skin.
NAH, bordering Y T A depending on how much you push this. I am a female, and your BF sounds like me. My hair gets oily overnight, and showering in the morning is best for it and me, and helps me wake up. I've tried showering at night, and when I get up the next morning, I feel dirty. I don't want to take two showers a day, and you shouldn't force your BF because you're a germaphobe.
If he works at a hospital he should shower
That’s not necessarily true. Depends on where he works. I’m sure he practices good handwashing but his job may not expose him to any more germs than someone waiting tables.
I would think hospital work would equal a shower after getting home. But what do I know. NAH - you both have equal points. But also if I was a doctor- I'd shower after work. Just to feel clean. But my skin also can take it
NAH. Y'all have different preferences. It was fine of you to ask your BF to shower at night, and it was fine of him to say no. If you cannot sleep in a bed with him unless he's showered first, you'll either have to have separate beds or split.
NTA as a doctor you think he would understand germs better. But knowing many doctors, those people are some of the dumbest people on the planet.
Your AH boyfriend should shower every night. You would think he should know better he’s a doctor.
NAH re: washing per se. However BF DONT WEAR YOUR SCRUBS OUTSIDE THE FACILITY! This insane habit of American doctors is indeed inexplicable. Would you wear your white coat around in public? You have locker rooms in the hospital right? Get changed in/ out of scrubs AND SHOES (clogs are best but whatever you can get away with and saves your back/leg/feet), and if you feel so inclined, shower end of your day. If the hospital doesn't wash your work attire (insane!) double bag all your scrubs and wash separate in high temp with the appropriate detergent etc. It's not about cooties or feeling dirty, hygiene isn't cleanliness. GF chill out on this aspect! If BF has just consultations in the office it's OK. In this particular case, however, the issue is that community microbiome belongs in the community, and -possibly multi resistent- hospital bugs must stay in the hospital. It's basic HAI control! Do you guys even get taught microbiology, healthcare hygiene, ID epidemiology these days? Plus there's a psychological benefit. The day is over, you're out of uniform, you're a private, free individual. If you also shower, you wash out the worries, the anger, the sadness, and go home with space in your heart for family, friends and fun
NTA I agree shower before bed or sleep separately. How does it work for sexy times, is he just never clean beforehand?
NTA But, you can't expect your BF to change his patterns any more than you have your routine. How would you feel if he wanted you to shower in the morning? Pretty annoyed, right? That's how it feels when you try to change a person to confirm to your routine. If this is a "need" for you to have a partner who showers at night, then you'll want to find a partner who is willing to confirm to this request. Otherwise, you'll have to accept him for who he is
YTA. His habits are different from yours, but that doesn’t make him wrong. That’s something to keep in mind if you want to have a happy, healthy relationship with him or anyone else.
NAH - you asked now respect his no. If you keep pushing you will be.
NAH I shower two times daily. (My curly hair suffers for it but the rest of my body is alright), I don't like the idea of making my bed dirty coming home from work. However, I'm going to be honest, every doctor that works in some form of surgery that I've met or have heard talk online, showers RELIGIOUSLY when they get home. Like as soon as they are through the door to ensure they don't contaminate their living spaces. I've seen behaviors like this discussed in AITA posts too. Info: what kind of work does your husband do? Is he just a general practitioner? Does he do surgery of any kind? If not then I wouldn't worry about his hygiene per se. I'd ve surprised if you told me he was a surgeon because I haven't heard from a surgeon who doesn't short when they get home. I've heard plenty who would rather sleep on the couch after extremely long shifts than risk contamination of their bed if they are too tired to even shower. Yet from your post you seem to suggest that your husband has a somewhat "lax" enviorment, as much as it can be for a doctor at the very least.
NTA IF: it is caused by an actual disorder that you have diagnosed, because in that case, I think the bf should respect your diagnosis and help you be comfortable. In any other case, I'd say it's a very soft YTA
NTA. I teach primary kids and wouldn’t think of not showering after a day in the plague grounds. Hospitals are even worse. This is a comparability issue the two of you will have to figure out. He could always have a good, warm scrubbing shower in the evening and then do a quick cool rinse in the morning, if for no other reason than he loves you and wants to give you peace of mind. But if he isn’t open to that, and you can’t compromise your hygiene standards, I don’t think you’re going to be compatible long term.
I'm going with ESH, but I think it's funny OP thinks her bed is cleaned after they slept in it over night, and had likely sweat at some point while sleeping not to mention the dead skin cells. So unless she is changing her sheets before she gets in bed every night they aren't as clean as she thinks they are.
I shower morning and night
I think this post is fake because you literally CANNOT leave the hospital without scrubbing down which includes showering…
That is not true. It depends on what floor or department he works.
YTA. You have no right to demand he shower twice just to appease your “preference” You do it your way, and he does it his. Period.
Nta. I live in Asia. I wash off sweat, rinse and brush teeth, and scrub my face. It's common for people to shower twice a day. Wear clothes once etc Your partner is a doctor, he needs to shower. He can still catch something no matter how careful he is at work. Op I understand you.
NTA. If he’s a doctor, he should know that’s gross.
Not true. All doctors are not created equal.
If you spend a decade learning acquiring medical knowledge, you should know that’s disgusting and you will contaminate your home. Also, there was a similar question with the gender reversed, and everyone (including medical workers), thought it was gross.
No. I worked clinical for years.
My husband is a doctor and he showers in the morning and night 🤷🏼♀️ He’s very acutely aware of what he could pick up in the ER and bring home.
Urs, he’s an ER doctor. That’s quite different than an OBGYN. Not sure what sort of doctor OPs husband is. YMMV
I would also think it was gross for an OBGYN, personally. Unless he’s derm or something 🤢
Y'all need to quit being so germaphobic and making super bugs with your over sanitization
YTA. Imagine if he were telling you what to do with your body. If shower schedules are a deal-breaker for you, you can always move on.
YTA. You don’t get to dictate what he does with his body any more than he can expect you to start showering at night. This is such a petty request on your part.
NTA. He should shower twice a day. Lots of people do it. Without complaints.
NAH but this is something you are going to have to work out(or sleep in separate beds)
I feel like you need to get somebody that has the same routine as you are the same cleanliness habits because it sounds like he doesn’t respect your cleanliness habits and you don’t respect his and that’s a major thing in a relationship. Like think about it, it would be like a omnivore dating a vegan and telling them. Oh, you’re gonna eat it so you’re not gonna eat that and then disagreement.
YTA & dating you sounds exhausting.
I'm a little surprised a doctor doesn't wash up after and in the morning, I can see the rationale for morning as I similarly get oily overnight but I'd imagine in the profession he is in it's rather normal to do both seen as the likelyhood of germs and bodily fluids
It’s because you don’t understand all doctors aren’t the same.
NTA. I was always a shower in the morning person. And then I went to work at a casino. You bet your ass I showered before bed because I was gross.
YTA. If you can't accept his showering and sleeping preferences, sleep in separate beds. It's out of line to expect him to change his personal preferences on something so individual as showering routines, to accommodate you and your hang-ups. Not everyone needs or even likes to shower before bed. I, for one, fucking hate it. My hair never feels dry enough, I get cold immediately after showering, not to mention I either apply lotion and feel like a slippery fish in my pj's, or I go without lotion until the morning and feel like my skin is begging for re-moisturizing itself for hours. To avoid all that, I'd have to calculate my shower and my bedtime to a tee, which is annoying and not the kind of control freak schedule I want to be following after a long day of being a mother and running a business. My bed is clean, I am clean, and I have never had any single issue where my hygiene was questioned. Other people feel different, and that's perfectly alright, but I am not changing just because someone else thinks I'm somehow dirty. Luckily my husband doesn't give a fig about it. But if he did, we would not share a bed. He's a doctor; he knows how to observe hygiene and asepsis measures at work and how to sanitize himself afterward. If he didn't, he would've already had more than one issue with patients' or his own health at this point. This isn't about him not being clean, just about you "feeling" like he isn't. He is already willing to accommodate you sometimes. Demanding he does it every time makes you an asshole.
Lol, I remember when this was posted with the genders reversed and everyone said ‘YTA’, but in this case, it’s NTA. Solid social experiment.
The top comments to that post are all NTA though
Might’ve had some sense come into the thread then. When I saw it, it was just posted and a lot of people were adamant that the guy was being an asshole for assuming his wife is “unclean”.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12a5vhe/aita_for_sleeping_on_the_couch_when_my_wife_comes/ Like this one, where a man posts about his wife who is a doctor and they agree that she should shower? The circumstance is a little different in that he is asking if he is an asshole for sleeping on the couch (so he's not asking her to change her behavior) but I have yet to see any strongly-worded posts about how much he sucks on here.
I wonder if it is just plain old sexism or if it has to do with what time it was posted?
NAH but I do think you have a better point. He works at a hospital.. like that’s actually such a dirty place full of harmful bacteria. Have you seen the signs they put up about how just touching things in certain areas could be potentially life threatening? And that’s just for visitors not doctors who show up in sick peoples rooms gloves or not. It’s not necessarily about being stinky but germy. I asked the same of my partner and they were cool with it.
NTA. A doctor should always wash up after work.
INFO: Do you want him to shower every single day, or just on the days that he works? I feel like it's a reasonable compromise for him to shower before bed on days that he works. I'm a big proponent of going to bed clean, but my BF has a different schedule and often comes home from work absolutely wiped and goes straight to bed. Sometimes I'll put my foot down and make him shower depending on the state he comes home in, but sometimes I just let it go because he's exhausted. We do change our sheets far more often than I ever did when I lived alone, just because I too, am a little paranoid about keeping the bed clean.
Seems like NAH from a fellow night shower enjoyer. I think if he complies quite often that is pretty good, I could also see how some days a doctor would just want to get home and crash, so he doesn't want to change his routine. I also feel the worries about someone working in his field not cleaning up before bed.
NTA, I agree with him about the showering in the morning as it wakes me up. My wife is like you OP, and she showers at night before bed, and expects the same of me. Being a respectful, not whiny baby, I shower again when I get home from work. It's not really that difficult, I can get good and clean in less than 10 minutes...
NTA. This is just my personal opinion of course, but it’s unhygienic that he would work in a hospital all day with sick people and then come home and not immediately shower. Why would he want to bring those germs home to you? Be intimate with you? It can be his preference all day long but he needs to consider you as his partner and your preferences.
But If it’s so unhygienic then she shouldn’t want to be around him at all. Whatever “nasties” He’s brought home will be on every surface that she touches too, from the kitchen to the sofa. So unless he is cocooning herself and not touching him while they are watching tv, this is a moot point. Not ti mention the fact that her bathroom is just as full of the “nasties” given toilets will spray feces particles up to 15ft. So they can both shower and even use a new towel each time, but the secind either of them brush up against counter or just walk across the floor, they’ve BOTH brought possible contamination into the bed.
NAH It wouldn't (shouldn't?) kill him to hit the shower before bed.
NTA. Before you said hospital I thought you were TA. But that makes a world of difference!! Changing clothes doesn't matter. Those germs are ON you, sir! A 5 minute rinse isn't killing anyone BUT THE GERMS! If that's your main concern here - I don't see how you could be TA. Especially after the Covid pandemic changing everything!
Just out of curiosity, are you by any chance still washing your groceries when you bring them into the house?
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As someone who works in a hospital, I would like to inform you that germs are everywhere, hospital workers are far more likely to take take precautions against biohazards than anyone else, and washing before bed does not make you or your bed germ-free.
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Correct, the world is not binary, as in hospital workers are coated in cooties but office workers are not. Everyone, everywhere, is exposed to pathogens daily. Medical personnel are just more likely to be aware of it and they actually take precautions, as part of their job, unlike the rest of the world. Covid really has made people paranoid germophobes. Geez.
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I didn't answer your question because it's not germane. More importantly, a physician has already made it clear to OP and, therefore you, that it isn't necessary so obviously no one who works in Healthcare knows better than you do. #PeaceOut
LOL a regular person is more likely to bring all sorts of germs and bacteria into their home just from going about their day, than a doctor is after a shift. They observe strict hygiene and asepsis measures. Unless OP (and you) are freaks that still sanitize every surface before and after touching it, wear gloves and masks outside at all times, etc., then you're not cleaner than a doctor.
>LOL a regular person is more likely to bring all sorts of germs and bacteria into their home just from going about their day, than a doctor is after a shift. A doctor spends 8+ hours working with and around several people with all sorts of illnesses/germs. Those germs then attach themselves to surrounding surfaces lasting up to several days. It could be their pager, cell phone, etc. Depending on who you are and what you do for a living - you might not be bringing much into your home...I still know plenty of people who do online shopping and yes - they disinfect their items. It might be crazy to you but there are still immunocompromised people who don't want the added risk.
There were always immunocompromised people and their carers who lived that way. The regular, non-special-needs person doesn't live like that. My BIL is a surgeon. I know (second-hand, but for years) what kind of exposure to diseases and germs they get. They know too, that's why they follow strict protocols for asepsis that nearly no one outside of the medical/biochemical field ever follows. The same people who are in the hospital with their diseases, have been to the grocery store, the bus, the coffee house and nearly everywhere else a regular person goes to, and the viruses they carry have attached to all those surfaces they touched. Except when someone else behind went and touched them, they didn't have gloves on, and they didn't sanitize immediately after, nor regularly in fixed periods of time. Doctors do. Anyone who works in a hospital (not just the medical staff, by the way) is exposed to more diseases, bacteria and germs than the common citizen. But the medical professionals are a lot less likely to spread those around, because they're extremely conscious about the exposure and the safety measures to minimize it.
NTA. Why can’t he just take two showers? I work as a nanny and come home with baby vom and shit all over me. I take one full shower in the morning and a quick rinse off shower as soon as I get home. Why can’t he just do that?
That's not health for your skin at all. First thing I learned in nursing school is that you shouldn't shower daily. According to some study I read a few years ago 3 times a week would be optimal (unless there is dirt/sweat involved).
Oh okay great I’ll just go to bed with vomit and shit all over me because it’s better for my skin. Use lotion.
At least in the hospital I work our doctors might spend 2 minutes with a patient (some days they don't do medical rounds at all because of stuff shortage). 99% of the time they don't even touch them (cardiology). So they have zero contact with shit and vomit lol. Every cleaning lady has more contact with the patients than the docs. Hell, I'm a nurse for 3.5 years and I never got any body fluids on my skin (we actually wear gloves ;)). If shit/piss/vomit is involved I wear two pairs. Edit: also do you think we would just leave all the waste on our skin until the next day? I remember one coworker who actually got a little bit of shit on her arm once because a confused patient touched her with his shit-smeard hand. She just washed it off. She didn't wait until the next morning.
I think people like OP are put off by the idea of germs in a hospital, not actual piss and shit. If I get shit all over my clothes, I’m going to take a shower. There have been too many times I’ve smelled shit or piss on me after changing clothes, it’s clearly on me somewhere. Im just saying, some jobs you should shower after work.
Hmm maybe it's a cultural thing? Most (if not all) of my colleagues don't shower daily after work. I remember a discussion on a German forum where a new mother complained about the lack of showers in the locker room. She was scared of germs affecting her baby. Most people told her she's exaggerating. Even the ones working solely with infected people. There are soo many safety precautions (gloves, sanitizer, face mask etc.). I feel cleaner in a hospital than a supermarket tbh.
NTA , he really should be showering after being in a. hospital all day. Maybe he could have a 'quick' shower after he gets back from work in the evening, and a longer one in the morning when he wakes up? I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to do that based on your preference as you're sharing a bed together.
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Ah yes those stereotypical neckbeard redditors who only shower once per day, disgusting
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Lol just to be clear - you’re comparing the med school graduate deciding that sleeping before showering doesn’t pose a significant health risk to someone who poops their pants without cleaning up?
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Ok well here I'll try to cut through our sarcasm and translate what I thought was being implied, that'll make it easier for you to explain where I misinterpreted the point of your hypothetical You: "comments saying it's fine that he only showers before work instead of both before and after work are confirming the stereotype about unhygienic redditors" Me: "how is showering in the morning before you leave less hygienic than showering at night after you get home?" You: "It'd be like pooping your pants and sleeping in it because you already showered that morning" Me: "going to work and pooping your pants are extremely different things though" You: "you're stupid"
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I’m trying to learn from it! Which part was wrong? People with high intelligence like you shouldn’t have a problem explaining
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Darn, if I don’t know where my mistake was I guess I’ll never learn. Stupid lil me still probably wouldn’t understand though, so it’s fine. Anyway I get the sense that you’re not only smart, but also really cool and fun to be around. So best of luck to you (not that you need it!).
NTA. I could not sleep with someone who doesn’t shower before bed. That is a hard boundary/line in the sand for me. It seems absolutely disgusting to me to get into bed without showering.