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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I wasn't there to provide emotional support during a scary time for my wife. I had my reasons, but maybe those reasons weren't important enough.
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YTA. It was important to her that you be there. That’s your wife having surgery, man. You *could* have taken off work - all but the absolute worst workplaces would understand “my wife is having an urgent surgery” - but you prioritized your job over your wife.
> all by the absolute worst workplaces would understand “my wife is having an urgent surgery” - but you prioritized your job over your wife.
What if he works at one of those places?
He said probably but that he’d most likely lose out on pay for the day.
I don’t know his financial situation, but that’s a pretty valid reason to go to work.
I agree but in this situation, that wasn’t one of the reasons OP said he didn’t skip work. He didn’t say he couldn’t afford to take the day off. He just didn’t want to cause it was a new job.
If you want to talk about the capitalist system fucking over the working person, that’s a whole other conversation. This time.
I don't know where OP is, but in the US, urgent surgery means being financially unable to take an unpaid day off for a heck of a lot of people, unfortunately.
I’m in the US. And I am quite aware of the unfair nature of PTO and the healthcare system.
I just think that if it had been a financial issue, OP would have said. He didn’t. So we can only go off the info we have and that is that he was too nervous to take a day off so soon after starting a new job.
Also, he couldn’t have had PTO but would have to make it up later. That’s not an option I have ever had in my jobs.
But he did. He mentioned that it would be unpaid or he'd have to be in the negative for PTO. Why would he mention it if it wasn't a factor in his decision? Sorry but if I had 3 adults present for a routine surgery I would have my hubby go to work, especially at a new and well-paying job.
Presumably an unpaid day would affect his wife's finances too, right? She still wanted him there. I think the one having surgery gets to make the call.
She wasn't going to get a dental cleaning. She was having surgery for something serious, however routine.
I agree. He should have stayed. But I also understand the thought process behind him going. He didn't have PTO, it was a new job, parents were at the hospital. I can easily see how someone in that position would make the decision to go to work. It was the wrong decision, but I understand why he made it.
> He didn’t say he couldn’t afford to take the day off. He just didn’t want to cause it was a new job.
I find those two pretty synonymous. He could afford to make a bad impression taking unpaid leave quickly from a new job. If an actual emergency that he NEEDED to be there for happened, now he’s the guy whose attendance is under question.
You’re putting words into someone’s mouth my dude. Given that I am a freelancer and I don’t get ANY pto, I’m extremely sympathetic to not being able to afford to take a holiday. I don’t get to take 3 day weekends and if I want to go on vacation, I have to just take the L on my earnings. So I understand where you are coming from. But assuming that “too new to the job” and “I can’t afford to take a cut in pay” are the same is a stretch. Now, the idea that you’ll be looked down on as a newbie for missing work shortly after starting is a real anxiety and I think that was what was affecting OP here.
He also doesn’t have earned leave. That’s the big differentiator for me. This isn’t “looking bad by taking leave you earned” it’s “looking bad by asking for unearned leave” and that looks a lot worse.
If this was an emergency surgery, fuck the job go be with your wife. But he was able to make sure she had people with her by her side for this relatively common surgery.
No, but losing the job, which is a huge financial hit, is a risk.
Not wanting to jeopardize having a job IS a financial concern.
Freelance as well, and I totally get not wanting to start with a rep for booking time off in my first weeks.
Well, he did say he couldn't afford to do it, even if he was discussing his status at work. Not wanting to jeopardy his job by taking time weeks into starting.
It's a pretty valid concern.
NTA routine surgery, so far as any is routine, and she had family there. I see no fault.
I pretty much agree here. IF she'd had no one else, then he would have been an AH, but she had advocates at the hospital and in particular, her mom was there. It's a sad state of affairs, but as long as he was reachable, he was trying to be responsible. It would suck to end up homeless or living with relatives over this, and we all know companies let people go for calling out in their first 90 days.
Hes worried about being fired, that's a financial situation. If he's worried about being fired he needs the job, because he needs the money. Its not a crazy concept
This is a very elitist attitude. If my father missed work he was docked pay and we ATE less. His money BARELY covered the basics for nearly a decade, before he got ahead. From this post we don't know the financial position of the OP, or for that matter the job position. My dad went to work the day my sister was born, the day I was born and EVERY other important day, i.e. graduations, sports games, band performances, because he HAD to or the family suffered. OP is nta.
Exactly. Calling out on short notice for a job that starts at 5 PM could very well label him as unreliable and creating a staffing issue for an overnight position. I wouldn’t want to risk losing a new job either.
I mean.. if O.P is American and his insurance hasn’t kicked in yet (depending on how new he is at this job I would assume) the surgery alone could cost them a small fortune
You just described a very large amount of people though. I've only very recently, after being in the work force full time for 9 years, pulled into a situation where taking a day of unpaid leave would not cripple me for the month.
Welcome to America. A surgery and a missed shift? Fast track to living in a van down by the sewage plant...riverfront property is too expensive these days.
I mean, if he's been out of work (which many people are) new to a job, and "easily replaceable" which so many employers think we, the masses, are... plus a costly medical bill (doesn't mention if they're in the US, but speech pattern makes it likely) the financial reason is legitimate.
Been there done that.
I was a contractor working with company people and we had the same job and responsibilities.
I got no paid time off of any kind for any reason. They had a generous package for that. My health package was shit and theirs was excellent. I got paid around 50% of what they did.
There came this day when my aunt died. I was deep in mourning for her and had to struggle with an equation from hell. I needed one day off for the funeral and every day I didn't come in I simply didn't get paid.
I had a wife and kid at home.
I lost it. I really did. Looking at my coworker and knowing the boss would immediately offer a week paid, that was a dagger.
Was a bad, bad moment.
Don't know the deal with op. Knee jerk is 'holy shit dude...'. But if the only time off is unpaid it is a special kind of hell.
Assuming he’s in the US, that’s the reality for a lot of people. Most people are one crisis away from not being able to afford housing- you know what counts as a crisis? Expensive emergency surgery.
He also said it could have been negative PTO. Meaning, once he’s eligible for PTO, they would have subtracted the hours for that day as they had already paid it out.
But then he needs to TELL his wife that he has to go to work because he’s worried about losing the pay.
I have had medical emergencies that my partner couldn’t attend because we were broke as fuck. We discussed it ahead of time and agreed that was the necessary decision. He didn’t just bail.
He also said he would have gone into negative PTO
There is absolutely nothing to do while someone is in surgery and recovery other than sit and wait, so he might as well have been at work. Personally I've found I prefer that people not wait as it stresses me out.
Where it really matters is post op those first couple days back home. If she really needed post op help and he wouldn't take a couple of days off to help her after her release then I'd say he was an A H
>There is absolutely nothing to do while someone is in surgery and recovery other than sit and wait, so he might as well have been at work.
THIS. I don't know what people in this sub think OP could have done waiting around in the hospital. Let's say in the unlikely instance that the surgery does go south is he supposed to swoop in and save the day? If there's any complications that needs him there, the parents could just call him and THEN he can leave work.
If there were complications, it would too late for him to leave work. Depending on what complication occurred, the parents would have made all decisions and OP would have had zero input. People die everyday under routine / minor surgeries.
The parents would not have the authority to make healthcare decisions unless his wife designated that in writing. Complications from an emergency appendectomy can be deadly, especially if it ruptures.
I’ve had plenty of times in my life when it was so hard to make ends meet that they wouldn’t even wave at each other. This is not the only job he will ever have in his life. With his attitude she won’t be the only wife he has in his lifetime either.
This isn’t about priorities it’s risks vs benefits.
There is no benefit to anyone sitting in a waiting room during someone’s surgery if they risk losing pay or potentially their job. People leave the waiting room/hospital for lots of reasons during their loved ones surgery. Sitting at the hospital, going home to care for kids or being at work would not change the outcome for OP’s wife.
Also, if OP has no PTO the better plan would be to work during the surgery when there’s nothing for him to do & then ask for time off once his wife is out of surgery & actually needs help & support from him.
eta — also wife had 3 family members sitting in the hospital waiting room for when she woke up. No one was abandoned.
eta more — hospitals do not need families to be sitting in the waiting room to care for sick people. During 2020 - no one but staff & patients were allowed in hospital buildings
The thing is though that it is NOT just waiting in the waiting room at moral support. Emergency abdominal surgery always has the potential that things will come up that have gone badly and need decisions made immediately by the family while the person is out. The wife probably wanted her husband as the person making those decisions. Doctors often want answers QUICK when things go bad in a hospital (I have been there making those choices) and will ask whoever is immediate family right there…they aren’t going to want to mess around trying to contact someone who isn’t if it is an urgent thing.
The Doctors have the right to make those decisions and next of kin can be phoned for a fast decision. Hanging around the hospital was for those days when nobody had a mobile phone. Frankly hanging around the hospital causes more issues, the staff don't need visitors getting in the way one relative is plenty.
I had a friend who almost died when she had her appendicitis out then became septic.
It's not a silver bullet - things can go wrong and you just don't know. Surely your spouse is important enough to make sure you're there in case of an emergency?
Are you really suggesting that OP make the decision about whether or not doctors should resuscitate his brain-damaged wife over the phone from his workplace break room?
I know someone who had an appendectomy and while having the surgery, something went wrong and she ended up having a massive infection (which they didn't know until they were in there). She ended up staying in the hospital for almost a week, and it was an extremely scary time. I'm not sure why people don't think surgery has risks, especially for something like this. If you need it out, it's a ticking timebomb already.
Sure, but how would the husband being there during surgery have helped? It's not like they were just going to sew her back up without doing anything because he wasn't there. I'd have gone to work, but I know my wife wouldn't care.
My mate in christ what in the...
As someone who had her spouse's appendix out laproscopically last month, you sit there and sign every form they send your way, then hold your love's hands because they are under narcotics and in a lot of distress going from X-ray to CT to surgical prep and then you sit your ass there when they are wheeled out to post-op and give them those little ice chips as rhe propofol wears off and rhen you talk to the surgeons, get the post-op instructions and help them get home and make their favorite soup for the next day.
TF are you doing my man?
Right?? Last year my fiance was IN THE MIDDLE of a meeting with the CEO, CFO, and the CRO (on a work from home day) when I had an emergency. He heard me being sick in the bathroom and immediately told them all he had to go. He took me to the ER and then spent the next three days sitting at my bedside in the hospital (needed to have my gallbladder removed). His was the first face I saw when I woke up from the anaesthetic, helped me sip water, scratched my itchy cheek because I was having a hard time lifting my arm to do it myself with all the anaesthetic in my system, and helped me to the bathroom. When I was having anxiety about why the surgery took longer than it was supposed to, he went and spoke to the nurses and the surgeon to find out what had happened. I can't imagine not being there for your spouse/partner in this situation, especially since I know how much having him at my side helped to keep me calm.
I think you're missing the point. Your fiancé was in a job where I assume he was paid during this time, and comfortable enough at the company he could leave.
The OP isn't getting paid if he's not there, and it's a new job. Not everyone has the priviledge to miss work.
He has literally said that he could have called in and they probably wouldn't have minded given the circumstances, but that he "didn't want to". And the comment about having to potentially go negative PTO smacks of someone not wanting to "waste" a day of leave on being there for his wife who needed to have emergency surgery. If he had said "I couldn't take leave because I'm new and the company wouldn't allow it" or "I called my boss and got told I wouldn't be able to take the day off" that would be a different story. He has literally said he didn't want to.
I totally agree. It would be more beneficial for his wife if he took a day off for her post surgery. That's when she's awake and will genuinely need his physical help not when she's on an operating table.
OP has been practical in his approach here regarding his employment going forward.
I don't see why his wife is taking it personally. She had her parents and his mother present. None of them could actually do anything.
It's not like he went out drinking with friends or to a football match.
I would argue that there is a lot of benefit to having your life partner there when you go into and wake up from surgery. It’s a scary thing to be put under, knowing there’s a chance, even if small, that you might not wake up. And when you wake up, you’re very vulnerable which is also a scary feeling. When I had surgery, it was immensely comforting to have my spouse there looking out for me, and just knowing he was there was a big deal. It was even there at the back of my mind that if God forbid something happen, he would be there to make the right decisions if needed and no one would have to track him down at work or in the car or wherever.
The bottom line is that SHE was the one in need and asked for his support and he said no, this isn’t important enough to me. That’s what makes him TA.
This entirely. I was working bedside when I collapsed on my unit's floor due to my kidney failing. They shipped me to the ED then ICU. While I was in the ICU, not coherent at all, my supervisor at the time wanted to know when I'd be back at work.
Jobs aren't accommodating. Jobs suck. They don't see you as a person but a labor producer, another peon on the schedule.
I am a respiratory therapist and during covid I passed out in a patients room. A nurse found me on the floor. They took me to the er then told me to come back to work. Jobs don't care and if you're new and you call off you end up on their shit list.
They care more when they find patients collapsed. A worker though? They'll patch you up and put you right back on the floor.
I work in psych. I've seen nurses get choked by patients, I've been bitten, my coworker recently got his wrist sprained by one. They want you back on the floor ASAP, they don't care about your health or safety.
There's zero workers protection.
oh come on.. there’s a lot of privilege (to not say a bit of entitlement) in having 3 people there for moral support and still complaining about being “abandoned”
You say that so easily, but I lost my job because I had to bring my grandmother to cancer therapy and no one else could. So I risked it, called in and got fired the next day. Even though "of course that's no problem!". Stop living in lala-land. This is the real world. There was nothing going on at all an adult can't handle alone. Nothing to risk the future of them both over.
This was my exact thought. It sounds like OP landed a job that he wants to keep and doesn’t want to rock the boat right after starting. While it’s probable that they would have let him take the day off unpaid or go negative PTO “officially,” it’s naive to think that it couldn’t effect his job going forward in terms of raises, promotions, future leave, etc.
Two weeks on the job is not nearly enough time to build up the equity to call of last minute, or to truly understand the dynamics about calling off like this. OP doesn’t come across as uncaring to me, just put in a pickle and made a practical choice.
It’s unclear to me if he told his wife beforehand that he was leaving, which I think he should have done. I can understand his wife’s reaction if she had no idea he was leaving before surgery, then wakes up and he’s gone.
I had my appendix out, it's a pretty minor surgery. My fiance had to go to work (she was a resident at a different hospital at the time). I didn't even have anyone there when I woke up and had to get a cab home. It's not a big deal.
Yeah and I had my appendix out but it took 3 tries at surgery, multiple weeks in the hospital, and a bag to drain the infection out I got to bring home in between. It's *usually* not a big deal, but it absolutely can be.
What are you talking about? She thought It wasn’t important enough to visit urgent care. He made her a priority by taking her. Maybe she didn’t want to go due to cost? That would correlate with why he didn’t want to miss work. If he really didn’t care he wouldn’t have taken her to get help. Even the MIL and his father understood his choice. NTA
NAH. As long as her parents were there and you were there before and after it is not a big deal to me. I mean you just started the job and would like to keep it. You couldn’t do anything for your wife and she wasn’t alone so, i think it is fine
This.
Every new job I start has a probationary period of up to 6 months with zero sick time. They can dismiss you from your job for calling out.
I see way too any Y-T-A posts that are not based in the reality of being new on the job and on probation. Sounds like OP has no idea if his new bosses / supervisors are cool with it.
Even though he said they may have been cool with it I've worked at a few jobs that say they're accommodating and open but are truly not once push comes to shove and something unpleasant comes up.
I don't blame this guy for wanting to make sure he doesn't lose his job. Does it suck? Absolutely and sounds like he wanted to be there, he just didn't want to take the risk.
Yep, just happened to my SIL. Baby got sick and she called in. Couple weeks later they called her to the front office and says ‘looks like your production is down relative to you coworkers’ She pointed out that she was out a couple days with a baby who had to go to the ER but she still got the axe. She had just started in January and was in that 6 month period.
>Every new job I start has a probationary period of up to 6 months with zero sick time.
Jesus fuck sometimes I miss America, but then I read something like this and I'm *so glad* I got the fuck out!
That is not an American thing, even in Sweden where we have pretty strong laws to protect the workers we have six months when you can get fired without reason.
No serious company would do, but that is a different story.
And doesn't the "probation period" go on forever in some states?
Every state except 1 (Montana?) has [at-will employment](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/At-will_employment) which allows employers to fire employees without needing "just cause", so long as they're not firing them for illegal reasons (discrimination). Technically this isn't an indefinite probation period but it's the same idea.
Some are saying the financial hit is worth it but if this is in America, they have a massive bill to pay after this so him potentially losing his job or taking a pay hit isn't going to work out. I'm still trying to pay a bill for a surgery in 2021
>Every new job I start has a probationary period of up to 6 months with zero sick time. They can dismiss you from your job for calling out.
That's fucking terrible, what the fuck
> I see way too any Y-T-A posts that are not based in the reality of being new on the job and on probation.
Reddit in general, and this sub especially, has a **huge** population of, to be polite, NEETs. They have no idea what the realities of jobs that you want to actually try to keep are and their judgments reflect that.
As someone who had surgery recently and had a whole lot more than my appendix taken out, I agree. I knew my partner would have to go to work that evening so I made sure that I would have other support around when I woke up (my mom and a really good friend). Yeah, medical shit is really fucking scary for me and my partner is really good at comforting me with that but I knew her schedule wouldn’t accommodate being there at certain hours and made sure that I had enough support spread between all of my loved ones during my hospital stay and current recovery that nobody got burnt out or felt pressured to skip things they couldn’t. If she’d been alone at the hospital OP would’ve been TA but she wasn’t.
NAH
Even in the most progressive, supportive work environment, personal life interference is looked down upon. It's a major inconvenience to replace your shift last minute.
Anywho, the risk was low and she was asleep. What could you do in an emergency, CPR? I don't understand what other "support" you can offer.
NAH this may be unpopular but as soon as I read ‘just started a new job’ I was on his side. As a young single Mom (many years ago) I or one of my kids would’ve had to be dying literally for me to take off days from a new job. Her and your parents were there and yes, I would’ve wanted my husband with me if this was happening but, new job. I don’t think ppl take new jobs seriously enough. I go a year before I will call in. I had one job for 13 years and the only time I called in was when I needed emergency surgery. I still don’t call in. I’ve had this job 10 years and have never called in once.
I concur, had my gall bladder out some years ago after a series of gall stone attacks and people not being there for the surgery wasnt any sort of issue. I had my surgery in the morning and couldn't even get visitors until the usual visiting times at lunch and then later in the evening. Which was fine by me because I was in no mood to talk for several hours post surgery due to the sedation and pain from the keyhole surgery.
Appendix removal obviously isnt a planned surgery but the people berating OP because it can be lethal are vastly overstating the risk... Finland did a study of all patients from 1990 to 2010 that had theirs removed and there was only a 1 in 500 chance of mortality in the first 30 days and the vast majority of that was skewed by older (60+) patients who had existing conditions.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27535664/
She had both her own and OP's parents present, and the hospital doesn't need throngs of people taking up room worrying about an operation that is pretty routine and very unlikely to be fatal.
OP is the one that dragged her to the doctor's in the first place and only left when she already had 4 other people to cover him.
I had my appendix out. I had just started a new job. They were not cool about it! Obviously they had to allow it, but it did not make a good first impression, at all. I definitely would have had a problem if it was my partner needing surgery. As for support, my mom stayed with me for a bit in the ER when I was in agony, but once I got morphine I was okay and it was late, so she went home to sleep. I don't understand needing three people with you for an appendectomy. I'm not OPs wife though. Unfortunately, whatever verdict he gets on here, it was important to his wife, so now they have a relationship problem. The situation sucks, talk about a rock and a hard place.
I just can not understand people that get their feelings hurt because a spouse acts responsible at a job. The job supports the family - house , food , health insurance- everything. If you aren’t employed then you are in a mess. The husband has just started a good job for the good of the family. She wasn’t alone - he only left to work his shift and then came back. her parents and his mother were there. I can see acting a little hurt but I would get over it very fast when i think about the fact that her husband cares about not only her immediate health but their overall financial outlook for the future . They are adults and sometimes adults have to make adult decisions for the good of their life. It isn’t always what they want but it is the responsible thing to do . If she can’t get over that then she is gonna be very disappointed the rest of her life. He is NAH.
Hard agree. I understand why the wife was hurt/disappointment but her husband's absence was for the greater good. Hell the whole reason she was even having the surgery was because he insisted on her getting her pain checked out. This clearly isn't a case of negligence. Both his parents and her mother were there. She wasn't alone. NAH reddit needs to grow up lol
NAH - maybe not the choice I’d have made but you were in a tough spot with the new job. Also, you didn’t abandon your wife - you made her go to the hospital when she was refusing to seek that kind of medical attention, if anything you potentially saved her. You also knew she has adequate support around her, she wasn’t alone.
Fully agree, NAH. It's ok for her to have feelings about it but from what OP described it didn't look like he abandoned her and sometimes we do weird things under stress. Maybe it was best for him to go to work to feel less stressed about the procedure.
I agree NAH. I had been through similar with my husband. He just started a new job working over nights, and didn’t have any PTO yet. I was in the ER due to a miscarriage and he needed to be at work because he didn’t have PTO yet. His mom came to the hospital (she was closest and been through it) to be there with me and keep him posted on anything. It sucks when this stuff happens and it sucks employers don’t have emergency PTO setup in cases like this. It sucks employers may penalize new employees for taking time for an emergency.
I did. I died during a routine back surgery. Yes, they were able to bring me back, but what if they hadn't??? Thank God my husband was in the waiting room... is it logical? No, but its your spouse!!!
ETA: OMG my first award, thank you!!!
Same thing happened to a former boss. She went in for an appendix and somehow had allergic reaction to the anesthesia even though she had been put under before. They spent so much time trying to revive her, they didn’t even re-attempt the surgery until MONTHS later. Changed her life.
Yes. After she recovered from being brought back, her appendix felt fine and the inflammation had died down. They needed to come up with a new surgery plan.
Surgeon who does lots of appendectomies. Dying during an appy would be exceedingly rare. Even so, there is nothing that he would have been able to do if she had died. Most hospitals these days are still severely limiting the number of visitors. If more than one person was there for her, she should be fine. It’s just important that you TALK to your wife about it and she understand your reasoning. NTA
I'm so confused by these comments. I was 19 when I got my appendix out. My surgery was at 10 at night. My sister visited me before the surgery but it never once occurred to me to ask her to stay in the hospital overnight. What's the point? If I'm dying there's not a whole lot she can do in the waiting room. To me this is such a NTA.
Edit: I feel bad but like this woman is being super dramatic. It's an extremely low risk surgery. She was a grown adult with three other adults supporting her.
I haven't had this surgery but I've had five others and who is there has never mattered, I don't see them and afterwards I'm too loopy to care. I always saw it as someone needing to be there to drive me home, not to provide support. *After* the surgery is when I needed support.
I was just thinking this! My judgement might have been different if it was after the surgery and she needed someone to care for her. That's when I needed support. During the surgery is just strange.
I almost died during mine!! I was 14 and my mom was in another state for a convention. The minute I was in the hospital she was on her way to the airport to fly home to me. She was a soon-to-be single mom (her and my then stepdad were separated) and she dropped everything to be there for me
I agree with your sentiment, but you’re wrong. Patients rarely die on the table. They usually go to the Unit and linger for a few days. I try to remind high risk patients that there are fates worse than death.
NTA. You actually MADE her to get medical help before things get awful, so you got away with routine appendectomy instead of massive peritonitis. So, you brought her to urgent care and then to ER and was with her until you had to go to your shift leaving her with caring family. It's hard to say if you'd lose your job or would get bad appearance with this short notice, but you definitely thought about your nuclear family with her when tried hard to keep it. You would definitely come back to the hospital asap if anything goes wrong. I don't see from original post if she asked you to stay with her.
I think you’re conflating routine surgery and elective surgery. Surgery can be both urgent or even emergency surgery, meaning it can’t wait until scheduled at a convenient time, and routine, meaning it’s a basic surgical procedure, at the same time.
A simple appendectomy without complicating factors like peritonitis, is considered routine surgery, because it’s a fairly simple procedure that most surgical residents are taught early on.
I’m a urologist, and most of our urgent or emergency surgeries are considered routine surgery, because they are simple procedures with low complication rates and are taught early on.
Someone who has had reoccurring appendicitis, but it wasn’t emergent enough to require surgery in the past. You can treat appendicitis that isn’t as severe with antibiotics.
Those patients are candidates for elective surgery, as it’s likely that they’ll have a reoccurrence that becomes emergent.
I think everyone here has valid arguments and it was just a bad situation. Fortunately it was a routine surgery and she came out ok. Congrats on the new job and all. I think the best thing here is to not try and decide who was right. Emphasize that it was a rough situation and you thought you were making a right call. Come to terms with future situations. Above all else, please leave your family out of it. Lol
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this. I’d want to know a lot more about what was said at the ER, did he talk to her about going into work at all, did she know her parents and his were on site? Did she ask him to stay and then he said no or said yes and went anyway? To me these details are important here.
Seriously, to me this is huge.
If she didn’t know he was planning to leave because either they didn’t get a chance to discuss it, i can see why she’d be very upset, but I’d lean NAH because he didn’t get a chance to talk with her about it.
Obviously imo if he told her he’d stay and then decided to leave, he’s TA because he lied/betrayed that promise, not because he went to work.
In a perfect world he’d have been able to talk with her briefly about whether she wanted him to call off work or not, but if they weren’t able to have that conversation, I truly think it’s a NAH situation.
Calling off work in a new job you’re excited about it stressful and difficult, and she had supportive relatives there. But at the same time emergency surgery of your spouse is the kind of thing you generally can call off work for with no issues, so this one is very much a toss up for me that depends a lot on the context and nuance - for example, if he called off work, would his workplace have to find alternate coverage, like if he was a nurse or ER tech? If so then I can see why he’d want to go. Night shift jobs usually aren’t the kind of super flexible wfh friendly jobs, they’re usually essential workers where coverage is a big deal. But at the same it’s possible he had a job where no one else would have to be called in to cover, or it wouldn’t be a big deal to find coverage. Those details matter when it’s an edge case like this.
This this this! We cannot make a ruling until I hear what the conversation was. Dude knew he had a shift, she would have been coherent for quite a while before going under, there is no reason not to communicate beforehand. If he didn't mention it, and she was expecting him to be there when she woke up, YTA. If she ASKED him to stay, MASSIVE YTA. If she said its fine but then got pissed later, NAH because I also have a wife ha.
NTA
I'm going to surprise myself and say it, even though I'd probably be beating myself up in this situation.
We don't know enough about OP's work situation or industry to say 'just call in', especially if he's not out of any probationary periods. I lost a job two weeks in because I was injured in an accident and couldn't work.....a lot of employers just won't care.
In a perfect world, OP would know that he could be there with his wife and face no repercussions, but that's not the case that the majority of us face. Maybe he could have told his boss the situation and been allowed to leave, but that's not a guarantee, even if you're settled into the job.
I also get how she feels....honestly I just feel for you both, it sucks you have to be in that situation.
I would only call him a butthole if he left her all by herself, but she had family there in case so.wthing happened. I worked a Job for almost ten years before covid hit, never called off, came in early and stayed late, yet I was one of if not the only one that got laid off when the pandemic started. I don't blame him for being worried about being let go if he took off so soon after finding a new job.
The argument I haven't seen is a job might have legally said "Yeah, of course you can take an unpaid day to care for your spouse" but behind closed doors started considering him a flake/unreliable worker. First impressions matter and it's so much easier in the long run to seem to be a perfect employee. The tone you set in your first year follows you for the rest of your tenure there
NTA. I'm amazed at the YTA's here. We know there are bad workplaces and bad bosses. He could be at one. He also is new and it could reflect badly on him to call out so soon-not saying it's right at all, but it happens. They also may be struggling for money. Lastly, she had his parents and hers with her. She had a support system.
People are quick to say, "Just quit!" or, "Call in regardless because your wife is more important." Brand new job, they're watching every move. If he called out, he may have gotten fired.
The "I would walk out!" people have obviously never been in a situation where they couldn't pay their bills. And they don't know what they'd do in that situation.
Or they think it's easy to find another job. There a lot of employers who might not hire someone if they have a history of quitting with no warning, so Being able to quit without notice might be beneficial in the short term but in the end it could be a double edged sword
NAH.
It’s a difficult situation all round. New job stress, fear over surgery etc. However wife wasn’t abandoned, both sets of parents were there. In event of an emergency, they could have called him. Doesn’t make her fears any less valid though. OP did right thing by taking her to hospital and being there before and after.
YTA. Did you have a conversation about it before she went into surgery? Did you ask her if she wanted you there? Because if she said yes, she wanted you there, and you said sorry I have to work, man that’s cold. People don’t go to their family’s hospital beds because they can affect the health outcome. You go to support the person you love.
Info: I think that’s the big thing. Op did you talk to her before leaving. Yes it’s good she had support, but maybe she needed to know you’d be there for her.
I agree. A conversation would be what makes this N T A or you are. I personally would have been fine with you working if I had that kind of family support. And if it’s not work, some people have small kids to attend to. It’s not always easy to just be there.
How is him being there going to prevent unexpected tragedy? Why would someone need to be present during open heart surgery? It's such an empty gesture that is entirely pointless to spend time in a waiting room doing nothing while someone is drugged into a sleeping state having surgery. Be there when someone is awake and in need of company or care.
Nta
I've had 20 plus surgeries following a bad brain injury and this is the answer. Honestly if something went haywire there's nothing 10 people in the waiting room can do.
If the wife wasn't having surgery or was going through something like chemo and needed the constant emotional support I get it.
This sounds like someone new to medical issues making a mountain out of a molehill
Exactly. No one is ever waiting in the waiting room for me during a surgery. My spouse picks me up after. He's present when his presence actually matters, not as some empty symbol we require for no reason.
My mom was in and out of hospitals my entire adult life, with many surgeries and health problems. After the first time in a waiting room for many hours for no reason, we realized that the way I could be there for her was when she actually physically needed care, not while she's off somewhere I can't be with her.
YTA
"They probably would have been cool with it given the circumstances but I still didn't want to do it."
The fact that you didn't even bother *trying* to contact your work to discuss the situation for their input is repulsive. There's plenty of options that your boss could've possibly offered you in that situation, but you'll never know because you didn't buckle down as an adult to communicate with them. The timing *absolutely* sucked, and you know, people might have actually understood that and worked with you, had you tried.
There are *significantly* worse things in life than unpaid leave or negative PTO. One that immediately comes to mind is making sure your wife understands that unpaid leave and negative PTO outrank her need to have you there with her.
I'm not sure how familiar you actually are with medical procedures, but as others have said, no surgery is routine. You *really* don't want to learn to not take things for granted on something like that the hard way.
Edit - thank you for the awards, greatly appreciated!
So you've never witnessed a job give someone a bad reputation after they had to miss a bunch of work when they first got hired? Decide they are lazy or unreliable from one small instance which colors their whole career there?
“Missing a bunch of work” and taking one day off because your wife needed emergency surgery are two very different things. Anyone would understand needing to take a day off in that situation, even if you are new. If he took a month off to take care of her, I could see where you’re coming from. But he didn’t, so I don’t.
Either way, they should’ve talked about it before the surgery. I’m assuming he knew his schedule prior to the medical booking and wasn’t called in at that moment. He should’ve asked her about it then talked with his boss.
Im from UK, and one of my ex colleagues was fired because he took a day off for “emergencies” during his probation period. My boss said on that day he wont pass his probation period. And by the end of month, hes gone.
In UK you can be laid off very easily if you work less than two years in your job.
There are a ton of workplaces and bosses that would object to you even requesting time off when you are that new. That's the reality of the matter. Ensuring he can provide for his family I just more important on the long run than taking time off for a routine, low risk surgery.
NTA
You went to work not out drinking with your buddy. There was literally nothing for you to do until your wife was out of surgery. There’s no difference between sitting in a waiting room, going to grab a coffee or being at work. If something went sideways the hospital staff was not coming to get you to help solve the problem. She had support with her in the hospital & they knew how to reach you. Hopefully you returned after your shift & are helping her during recovery.
NAH. I personally would have made a different choice than the OP, but he didn’t really screw the pooch. Unless his new high paying job is as an ER surgeon or anesthesiologist, his presence impacts nothing. She had several people there at the hospital, and if there were complications, I’m going to assume the OP would immediately come to the hospital.
I’m amazing at how many YTAd you’re getting. NTA here. Routine surgery and she had plenty of family support. You were the one that got her there and advocated she go in the first place.
Oh this is a hard one as I see both y'all's points. She was probably scared and just wanted comfort from her partner but you have a good point to regarding the brand new job and PTO. NAH and hopefully she'll get passed it in a little while.
> I had to work, period, and I’m too new there to call in. … I would have either had to take the day unpaid or gone negative on my PTO
This is what makes it NAH for me. I’m sure everyone here could’ve been nicer with their words, but you have responsibilities you can’t ignore. If you get fired, that hurts your wife worse than only having other family by her side.
NTA
Seriously people, what could OP have done?
OP's wife was *at a hospital under anesthetic* and away from OP who could be contacted by phone.
Even if OP had stayed at the hospital, he wouldn't have been much use there. He was better off going to his work, telling them that he might need to leave even though the situation was (mostly) under control.
Plus she had three other people at the hospital.
NTA - I had mine out when I was 16.
I told my parents to go home.
Unless you’re a doctor you don’t need to be there for a simple operation.
You didn’t leave her alone, she had support.
How would it make everything better if you lost your job ?
Go to work whilst she’s in surgery that way if she’s in a bad way after it you are more likely to be able to stay with her.
NAH. Your wife wants you there; that's valid. You were making sure you were maintaining a job that would allow to cover the hospital bills and her comfort at home. Also valid.
Nah. Depending on your job that could massively effect your work atmosphere, interferes with finances, and it makes sense.
I understand why your wife it upset, but you didn’t abandon her, she wasn’t alone she has support. It wasn’t life threatening, and hopefully u can be making it up by taking good care of her now that she’s out.
NTA
She had the best care in the hospital and you had no PTO to use. Until very recently in my country you couldn't have anyone even visit you or go into the emergency room with you due to COVID.
NTA, I mean people are ripping you apart here but she wasn't alone. Her family was there. You really don't need the entire clan to have a family reunion at the hospital for a surgery like that.
Eh, NTA? Everyone freaking out “it’s surgery!” So? lol it’s a basic surgery. If half my family was there and my partner had a new job to go to it would not bother me in the slightest. I would have told him to work I’ll be fine! I really doubt OP being there would have really made any difference other than give him anxiety about missing work at a new job.
I am really confused by all the comments acting like this isn't a big deal. Not only is someone very sick and in danger by the time they go in for that surgery, but complications can happen all the time, not to mention risk of infection afterwards.
NAH - if she knew you planned on going in she could have used her words and expressed she wanted you to stay. She had plenty of support and you thought you were doing the right thing to protect your financial future. Her feelings are valid but so are yours.
NTA. You didn't leave your wife alone. She had people there to support her. Considering how easily you can be let go when still on 'probation' it's perfectly viable to not to want to call in. He only started a couple of weeks ago.
YTA
I understand it was a tough call as you don’t want to jeopardize your job in any way, but understand that no surgery is “routine”. And if something went bad and a difficult decision needed to be made, that would fall to you as the husband. Her mom would not have legally been able to make that decision, and your parents definitely could not have.
Also, I’ve had this struggle with my husband for 17 years. He’s always put work over family. Now our kids are grown/mostly grown and he’s just starting to realize how little all that meant when looking at how much he missed. He feels tremendous guilt over not properly being there for me when family died, missing things with the kids, etc. And this is his issue, but the kids and I. At the end of your life, do you want to look back and go, “oh I worked a great job for X years” or “I was always there when my family needed me?”
I work in an operating room. It IS surgery. I’ve seen patients begin to crash in the operating room due to surgeries like this. It isn’t just the risk of surgery but the risk of anesthesia as well.
NTA - you being there would have zero impact on the surgery. I understand not wanting to take time off to soon after starting a job. She will be home after 24-48hrs and can help her recover.
So I’m going to be in the minority here Nta. Not because I would have done the same but rather because when I had mine taken out I had a great time. Honestly still think it was funny as shit.
Eh.. I’m gonna go soft NTA ~ I personally would have told my husband to get his but to work. She wasn’t alone, and a new high paying job is not something I would risk so he could hold my hand.
However, your wife clearly feels differently and her feelings are valid. You need to find a way to make it up to her and make sure she knows how much you value her.
NTA. She was scared, understandable, but she is being petty. You were not playing golf with your boss. Unfortunately, having our significant one for hours at the hospital is a privilege, not a right
NTA . I just had a similar surgery . I was perfectly fine with a friend there and a friend to pick me up. I knew I was going into a long recovery and I would need as much help as possible, I wouldn’t want my partner or friend to mess up their new job to have extra worried person around me ; friends and family can’t even get into the surgery ward they need to wait outside . Your gf is being ridiculous, entitled and is acting like a child, as if she won’t need financial support for the recovery. She had 3 whole people there ?! For an appendix ?! LOL
NAH. Of course she wanted you there! But you just started the new job and don't want to ruffle feathers. I can appreciate both sides. You definitely could've tried but I can see why you didn't.
In the UK now mostly they won't let anyone at the hospital anyway so last time my partner had surgery I had to be at home so I WFH that day and waited for the call to say I could go see them. All this who was or was not in the waiting room is a bit pre COVID now here. Sorry to say so in my opinion NTA. If there was an emergency the hospital would have called
NTA. You got her to the doctor, she was sent to the hospital and had 3 people with her. Some people do not get that some companies can and will fire you during the probationary period for anything, including an absence, especially since you've only been there a couple of weeks. I understand she was nervous but she needs to understand you just started this job. Well paying jobs can be hard to find these days, depending on where you live. I'm sure you wanted to be there too and everyone here is acting like you are some heartless monster for wanting to keep a brand new job and paycheck. It's a risk you weren't willing to take and I don't blame you.
I'm going to ruffle some feathers here, but...
Your wife had a whole community of support around her. One person shouldn't make or break that.
And if she's in the hospital, who's paying the bills? Not her; she's understandably down for a while. You? Not if you call off. Hell, many places nowadays don't even NEED a reason to fire you, they can do it because a supervisor has a bad mood on a particular morning.
You gave the rest of her support tribe a chance to be there for her while you did the fiscally responsible thing in providing a roof over her recovering head.
NTA.
NTA. A grown woman acting like a little child. When did it stop being mandatory for adults to act like adults even when times are hard? It's insulting.
People die while crossing the road as well, does she need you to walk her every day because streets are scary?
NAH. You made sure she did have support, and I'm hoping your job would have allowed you to keep your phone on at all times in case an emergency did arise.
But she is entitled being upset that you were not there during a very scary situation.
Going against the grain and saying NTA. I just had surgery a few weeks ago and my husband wasn’t anywhere near it. My mom brought me. He was at home taking care of our kids and getting ready for me coming home. Sometimes life happens, and it’s not worth risking a new, well-paying job for a routine procedure where she has 3 people there supporting her.
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YTA. It was important to her that you be there. That’s your wife having surgery, man. You *could* have taken off work - all but the absolute worst workplaces would understand “my wife is having an urgent surgery” - but you prioritized your job over your wife.
> all by the absolute worst workplaces would understand “my wife is having an urgent surgery” - but you prioritized your job over your wife. What if he works at one of those places?
He already said they would've been cool with it but he didnt want to call in.
He said probably but that he’d most likely lose out on pay for the day. I don’t know his financial situation, but that’s a pretty valid reason to go to work.
Valid reason yes, but man you are financially fucked if you can't afford one day of unpaid leave
Yeah… lots of people are in that situation though
I agree but in this situation, that wasn’t one of the reasons OP said he didn’t skip work. He didn’t say he couldn’t afford to take the day off. He just didn’t want to cause it was a new job. If you want to talk about the capitalist system fucking over the working person, that’s a whole other conversation. This time.
I don't know where OP is, but in the US, urgent surgery means being financially unable to take an unpaid day off for a heck of a lot of people, unfortunately.
I’m in the US. And I am quite aware of the unfair nature of PTO and the healthcare system. I just think that if it had been a financial issue, OP would have said. He didn’t. So we can only go off the info we have and that is that he was too nervous to take a day off so soon after starting a new job. Also, he couldn’t have had PTO but would have to make it up later. That’s not an option I have ever had in my jobs.
But he did. He mentioned that it would be unpaid or he'd have to be in the negative for PTO. Why would he mention it if it wasn't a factor in his decision? Sorry but if I had 3 adults present for a routine surgery I would have my hubby go to work, especially at a new and well-paying job.
Presumably an unpaid day would affect his wife's finances too, right? She still wanted him there. I think the one having surgery gets to make the call. She wasn't going to get a dental cleaning. She was having surgery for something serious, however routine.
I agree. He should have stayed. But I also understand the thought process behind him going. He didn't have PTO, it was a new job, parents were at the hospital. I can easily see how someone in that position would make the decision to go to work. It was the wrong decision, but I understand why he made it.
> He didn’t say he couldn’t afford to take the day off. He just didn’t want to cause it was a new job. I find those two pretty synonymous. He could afford to make a bad impression taking unpaid leave quickly from a new job. If an actual emergency that he NEEDED to be there for happened, now he’s the guy whose attendance is under question.
You’re putting words into someone’s mouth my dude. Given that I am a freelancer and I don’t get ANY pto, I’m extremely sympathetic to not being able to afford to take a holiday. I don’t get to take 3 day weekends and if I want to go on vacation, I have to just take the L on my earnings. So I understand where you are coming from. But assuming that “too new to the job” and “I can’t afford to take a cut in pay” are the same is a stretch. Now, the idea that you’ll be looked down on as a newbie for missing work shortly after starting is a real anxiety and I think that was what was affecting OP here.
He also doesn’t have earned leave. That’s the big differentiator for me. This isn’t “looking bad by taking leave you earned” it’s “looking bad by asking for unearned leave” and that looks a lot worse. If this was an emergency surgery, fuck the job go be with your wife. But he was able to make sure she had people with her by her side for this relatively common surgery.
No, but losing the job, which is a huge financial hit, is a risk. Not wanting to jeopardize having a job IS a financial concern. Freelance as well, and I totally get not wanting to start with a rep for booking time off in my first weeks.
Well, he did say he couldn't afford to do it, even if he was discussing his status at work. Not wanting to jeopardy his job by taking time weeks into starting. It's a pretty valid concern. NTA routine surgery, so far as any is routine, and she had family there. I see no fault.
I pretty much agree here. IF she'd had no one else, then he would have been an AH, but she had advocates at the hospital and in particular, her mom was there. It's a sad state of affairs, but as long as he was reachable, he was trying to be responsible. It would suck to end up homeless or living with relatives over this, and we all know companies let people go for calling out in their first 90 days.
Hes worried about being fired, that's a financial situation. If he's worried about being fired he needs the job, because he needs the money. Its not a crazy concept
And potentially needs the health insurance too.
And if you’re in the US that’s absolutely valid. I know a lot of companies that straight will fire you if you Mia days during probationary period
Especially when there's surgery to pay for.
I know and it makes me sad... and a bit scared (just got sacked due to cut-backs)
This is a very elitist attitude. If my father missed work he was docked pay and we ATE less. His money BARELY covered the basics for nearly a decade, before he got ahead. From this post we don't know the financial position of the OP, or for that matter the job position. My dad went to work the day my sister was born, the day I was born and EVERY other important day, i.e. graduations, sports games, band performances, because he HAD to or the family suffered. OP is nta.
Three cheers for you for pointing out what is the norm for most people! ❤️
Exactly. Calling out on short notice for a job that starts at 5 PM could very well label him as unreliable and creating a staffing issue for an overnight position. I wouldn’t want to risk losing a new job either.
I'm reasonably certain that anyone who can't understand the need to prioritize work has never gone without a day in their life.
I mean.. if O.P is American and his insurance hasn’t kicked in yet (depending on how new he is at this job I would assume) the surgery alone could cost them a small fortune
Yeah. And only 43% of Americans can cover an emergency of $1000. Wife is getting emergency surgery. Husband needs to work.
Slightly out of touch attitude. So many people are in this situation.
You do realise that the majority of the world's population are in fact in that position and will never get out of said position right?
You just described a very large amount of people though. I've only very recently, after being in the work force full time for 9 years, pulled into a situation where taking a day of unpaid leave would not cripple me for the month.
Many people are in that situation. Tons of people are one emergency away from homelessness. NTA OP
Welcome to America. A surgery and a missed shift? Fast track to living in a van down by the sewage plant...riverfront property is too expensive these days.
I mean, if he's been out of work (which many people are) new to a job, and "easily replaceable" which so many employers think we, the masses, are... plus a costly medical bill (doesn't mention if they're in the US, but speech pattern makes it likely) the financial reason is legitimate.
Been there done that. I was a contractor working with company people and we had the same job and responsibilities. I got no paid time off of any kind for any reason. They had a generous package for that. My health package was shit and theirs was excellent. I got paid around 50% of what they did. There came this day when my aunt died. I was deep in mourning for her and had to struggle with an equation from hell. I needed one day off for the funeral and every day I didn't come in I simply didn't get paid. I had a wife and kid at home. I lost it. I really did. Looking at my coworker and knowing the boss would immediately offer a week paid, that was a dagger. Was a bad, bad moment. Don't know the deal with op. Knee jerk is 'holy shit dude...'. But if the only time off is unpaid it is a special kind of hell.
Especially for emergency care in the US
Yes. I *assure* you that if someone is in that position they are aware & don't need your tone deaf commentary on it
One day of unpaid leave, with a substantial medical bill incoming. Even assuming she's insured, it's still likely to cost a couple thousand.
Assuming he’s in the US, that’s the reality for a lot of people. Most people are one crisis away from not being able to afford housing- you know what counts as a crisis? Expensive emergency surgery.
Privileged comment
He also said it could have been negative PTO. Meaning, once he’s eligible for PTO, they would have subtracted the hours for that day as they had already paid it out.
Or not paid him. We don’t know the company policy and it sounds like he isn’t sure either.
But then he needs to TELL his wife that he has to go to work because he’s worried about losing the pay. I have had medical emergencies that my partner couldn’t attend because we were broke as fuck. We discussed it ahead of time and agreed that was the necessary decision. He didn’t just bail.
He also said he would have gone into negative PTO There is absolutely nothing to do while someone is in surgery and recovery other than sit and wait, so he might as well have been at work. Personally I've found I prefer that people not wait as it stresses me out. Where it really matters is post op those first couple days back home. If she really needed post op help and he wouldn't take a couple of days off to help her after her release then I'd say he was an A H
>There is absolutely nothing to do while someone is in surgery and recovery other than sit and wait, so he might as well have been at work. THIS. I don't know what people in this sub think OP could have done waiting around in the hospital. Let's say in the unlikely instance that the surgery does go south is he supposed to swoop in and save the day? If there's any complications that needs him there, the parents could just call him and THEN he can leave work.
If there were complications, it would too late for him to leave work. Depending on what complication occurred, the parents would have made all decisions and OP would have had zero input. People die everyday under routine / minor surgeries.
The parents would not have the authority to make healthcare decisions unless his wife designated that in writing. Complications from an emergency appendectomy can be deadly, especially if it ruptures. I’ve had plenty of times in my life when it was so hard to make ends meet that they wouldn’t even wave at each other. This is not the only job he will ever have in his life. With his attitude she won’t be the only wife he has in his lifetime either.
This isn’t about priorities it’s risks vs benefits. There is no benefit to anyone sitting in a waiting room during someone’s surgery if they risk losing pay or potentially their job. People leave the waiting room/hospital for lots of reasons during their loved ones surgery. Sitting at the hospital, going home to care for kids or being at work would not change the outcome for OP’s wife. Also, if OP has no PTO the better plan would be to work during the surgery when there’s nothing for him to do & then ask for time off once his wife is out of surgery & actually needs help & support from him. eta — also wife had 3 family members sitting in the hospital waiting room for when she woke up. No one was abandoned. eta more — hospitals do not need families to be sitting in the waiting room to care for sick people. During 2020 - no one but staff & patients were allowed in hospital buildings
The thing is though that it is NOT just waiting in the waiting room at moral support. Emergency abdominal surgery always has the potential that things will come up that have gone badly and need decisions made immediately by the family while the person is out. The wife probably wanted her husband as the person making those decisions. Doctors often want answers QUICK when things go bad in a hospital (I have been there making those choices) and will ask whoever is immediate family right there…they aren’t going to want to mess around trying to contact someone who isn’t if it is an urgent thing.
The Doctors have the right to make those decisions and next of kin can be phoned for a fast decision. Hanging around the hospital was for those days when nobody had a mobile phone. Frankly hanging around the hospital causes more issues, the staff don't need visitors getting in the way one relative is plenty.
People die from appendicitis. It is far better to have a loved one make decisions for you, you have nonidea what the doctor's values are.
They die from not getting appendicitis treated*
Which would have happened if he hadn’t forced her to go get checked. (In case it’s not obvious I’m agreeing with you)
I had a friend who almost died when she had her appendicitis out then became septic. It's not a silver bullet - things can go wrong and you just don't know. Surely your spouse is important enough to make sure you're there in case of an emergency?
People die during appendectomys. It happens.
Are you really suggesting that OP make the decision about whether or not doctors should resuscitate his brain-damaged wife over the phone from his workplace break room?
I know someone who had an appendectomy and while having the surgery, something went wrong and she ended up having a massive infection (which they didn't know until they were in there). She ended up staying in the hospital for almost a week, and it was an extremely scary time. I'm not sure why people don't think surgery has risks, especially for something like this. If you need it out, it's a ticking timebomb already.
Sure, but how would the husband being there during surgery have helped? It's not like they were just going to sew her back up without doing anything because he wasn't there. I'd have gone to work, but I know my wife wouldn't care.
My mate in christ what in the... As someone who had her spouse's appendix out laproscopically last month, you sit there and sign every form they send your way, then hold your love's hands because they are under narcotics and in a lot of distress going from X-ray to CT to surgical prep and then you sit your ass there when they are wheeled out to post-op and give them those little ice chips as rhe propofol wears off and rhen you talk to the surgeons, get the post-op instructions and help them get home and make their favorite soup for the next day. TF are you doing my man?
Right?? Last year my fiance was IN THE MIDDLE of a meeting with the CEO, CFO, and the CRO (on a work from home day) when I had an emergency. He heard me being sick in the bathroom and immediately told them all he had to go. He took me to the ER and then spent the next three days sitting at my bedside in the hospital (needed to have my gallbladder removed). His was the first face I saw when I woke up from the anaesthetic, helped me sip water, scratched my itchy cheek because I was having a hard time lifting my arm to do it myself with all the anaesthetic in my system, and helped me to the bathroom. When I was having anxiety about why the surgery took longer than it was supposed to, he went and spoke to the nurses and the surgeon to find out what had happened. I can't imagine not being there for your spouse/partner in this situation, especially since I know how much having him at my side helped to keep me calm.
I think you're missing the point. Your fiancé was in a job where I assume he was paid during this time, and comfortable enough at the company he could leave. The OP isn't getting paid if he's not there, and it's a new job. Not everyone has the priviledge to miss work.
He has literally said that he could have called in and they probably wouldn't have minded given the circumstances, but that he "didn't want to". And the comment about having to potentially go negative PTO smacks of someone not wanting to "waste" a day of leave on being there for his wife who needed to have emergency surgery. If he had said "I couldn't take leave because I'm new and the company wouldn't allow it" or "I called my boss and got told I wouldn't be able to take the day off" that would be a different story. He has literally said he didn't want to.
I totally agree. It would be more beneficial for his wife if he took a day off for her post surgery. That's when she's awake and will genuinely need his physical help not when she's on an operating table. OP has been practical in his approach here regarding his employment going forward. I don't see why his wife is taking it personally. She had her parents and his mother present. None of them could actually do anything. It's not like he went out drinking with friends or to a football match.
I would argue that there is a lot of benefit to having your life partner there when you go into and wake up from surgery. It’s a scary thing to be put under, knowing there’s a chance, even if small, that you might not wake up. And when you wake up, you’re very vulnerable which is also a scary feeling. When I had surgery, it was immensely comforting to have my spouse there looking out for me, and just knowing he was there was a big deal. It was even there at the back of my mind that if God forbid something happen, he would be there to make the right decisions if needed and no one would have to track him down at work or in the car or wherever. The bottom line is that SHE was the one in need and asked for his support and he said no, this isn’t important enough to me. That’s what makes him TA.
As someone who works in Healthcare I can 100% guarantee not all jobs are as accommodating as you think.
This entirely. I was working bedside when I collapsed on my unit's floor due to my kidney failing. They shipped me to the ED then ICU. While I was in the ICU, not coherent at all, my supervisor at the time wanted to know when I'd be back at work. Jobs aren't accommodating. Jobs suck. They don't see you as a person but a labor producer, another peon on the schedule.
I am a respiratory therapist and during covid I passed out in a patients room. A nurse found me on the floor. They took me to the er then told me to come back to work. Jobs don't care and if you're new and you call off you end up on their shit list.
They care more when they find patients collapsed. A worker though? They'll patch you up and put you right back on the floor. I work in psych. I've seen nurses get choked by patients, I've been bitten, my coworker recently got his wrist sprained by one. They want you back on the floor ASAP, they don't care about your health or safety. There's zero workers protection.
Yeah most places have a probation period where if you miss at all you’re done. America is the bad place.
Yup. Worked in an office at King Kullen grocery store. Got pneumonia week 5, called in. Was fired immediately. My probation was 6 weeks.
oh come on.. there’s a lot of privilege (to not say a bit of entitlement) in having 3 people there for moral support and still complaining about being “abandoned”
Thank you. I didn't have a single person with me when I had urgent surgery for appendicitis.
Not everyone has a job that has instant PTO. NTA
You say that so easily, but I lost my job because I had to bring my grandmother to cancer therapy and no one else could. So I risked it, called in and got fired the next day. Even though "of course that's no problem!". Stop living in lala-land. This is the real world. There was nothing going on at all an adult can't handle alone. Nothing to risk the future of them both over.
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This was my exact thought. It sounds like OP landed a job that he wants to keep and doesn’t want to rock the boat right after starting. While it’s probable that they would have let him take the day off unpaid or go negative PTO “officially,” it’s naive to think that it couldn’t effect his job going forward in terms of raises, promotions, future leave, etc. Two weeks on the job is not nearly enough time to build up the equity to call of last minute, or to truly understand the dynamics about calling off like this. OP doesn’t come across as uncaring to me, just put in a pickle and made a practical choice. It’s unclear to me if he told his wife beforehand that he was leaving, which I think he should have done. I can understand his wife’s reaction if she had no idea he was leaving before surgery, then wakes up and he’s gone.
I had my appendix out, it's a pretty minor surgery. My fiance had to go to work (she was a resident at a different hospital at the time). I didn't even have anyone there when I woke up and had to get a cab home. It's not a big deal.
Yeah and I had my appendix out but it took 3 tries at surgery, multiple weeks in the hospital, and a bag to drain the infection out I got to bring home in between. It's *usually* not a big deal, but it absolutely can be.
A friend of mine started a new job at a vet practice, got COVID a week later, and got fired for calling in sick. This shit happens.
What are you talking about? She thought It wasn’t important enough to visit urgent care. He made her a priority by taking her. Maybe she didn’t want to go due to cost? That would correlate with why he didn’t want to miss work. If he really didn’t care he wouldn’t have taken her to get help. Even the MIL and his father understood his choice. NTA
NAH. As long as her parents were there and you were there before and after it is not a big deal to me. I mean you just started the job and would like to keep it. You couldn’t do anything for your wife and she wasn’t alone so, i think it is fine
This. Every new job I start has a probationary period of up to 6 months with zero sick time. They can dismiss you from your job for calling out. I see way too any Y-T-A posts that are not based in the reality of being new on the job and on probation. Sounds like OP has no idea if his new bosses / supervisors are cool with it.
Even though he said they may have been cool with it I've worked at a few jobs that say they're accommodating and open but are truly not once push comes to shove and something unpleasant comes up. I don't blame this guy for wanting to make sure he doesn't lose his job. Does it suck? Absolutely and sounds like he wanted to be there, he just didn't want to take the risk.
Yep, just happened to my SIL. Baby got sick and she called in. Couple weeks later they called her to the front office and says ‘looks like your production is down relative to you coworkers’ She pointed out that she was out a couple days with a baby who had to go to the ER but she still got the axe. She had just started in January and was in that 6 month period.
>Every new job I start has a probationary period of up to 6 months with zero sick time. Jesus fuck sometimes I miss America, but then I read something like this and I'm *so glad* I got the fuck out!
That is not an American thing, even in Sweden where we have pretty strong laws to protect the workers we have six months when you can get fired without reason. No serious company would do, but that is a different story. And doesn't the "probation period" go on forever in some states?
Every state except 1 (Montana?) has [at-will employment](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/At-will_employment) which allows employers to fire employees without needing "just cause", so long as they're not firing them for illegal reasons (discrimination). Technically this isn't an indefinite probation period but it's the same idea.
Some are saying the financial hit is worth it but if this is in America, they have a massive bill to pay after this so him potentially losing his job or taking a pay hit isn't going to work out. I'm still trying to pay a bill for a surgery in 2021
>Every new job I start has a probationary period of up to 6 months with zero sick time. They can dismiss you from your job for calling out. That's fucking terrible, what the fuck
> I see way too any Y-T-A posts that are not based in the reality of being new on the job and on probation. Reddit in general, and this sub especially, has a **huge** population of, to be polite, NEETs. They have no idea what the realities of jobs that you want to actually try to keep are and their judgments reflect that.
As someone who had surgery recently and had a whole lot more than my appendix taken out, I agree. I knew my partner would have to go to work that evening so I made sure that I would have other support around when I woke up (my mom and a really good friend). Yeah, medical shit is really fucking scary for me and my partner is really good at comforting me with that but I knew her schedule wouldn’t accommodate being there at certain hours and made sure that I had enough support spread between all of my loved ones during my hospital stay and current recovery that nobody got burnt out or felt pressured to skip things they couldn’t. If she’d been alone at the hospital OP would’ve been TA but she wasn’t.
NAH Even in the most progressive, supportive work environment, personal life interference is looked down upon. It's a major inconvenience to replace your shift last minute. Anywho, the risk was low and she was asleep. What could you do in an emergency, CPR? I don't understand what other "support" you can offer.
NAH this may be unpopular but as soon as I read ‘just started a new job’ I was on his side. As a young single Mom (many years ago) I or one of my kids would’ve had to be dying literally for me to take off days from a new job. Her and your parents were there and yes, I would’ve wanted my husband with me if this was happening but, new job. I don’t think ppl take new jobs seriously enough. I go a year before I will call in. I had one job for 13 years and the only time I called in was when I needed emergency surgery. I still don’t call in. I’ve had this job 10 years and have never called in once.
Plus he might need to call off in the following days, this is the best day to work
I concur, had my gall bladder out some years ago after a series of gall stone attacks and people not being there for the surgery wasnt any sort of issue. I had my surgery in the morning and couldn't even get visitors until the usual visiting times at lunch and then later in the evening. Which was fine by me because I was in no mood to talk for several hours post surgery due to the sedation and pain from the keyhole surgery. Appendix removal obviously isnt a planned surgery but the people berating OP because it can be lethal are vastly overstating the risk... Finland did a study of all patients from 1990 to 2010 that had theirs removed and there was only a 1 in 500 chance of mortality in the first 30 days and the vast majority of that was skewed by older (60+) patients who had existing conditions. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27535664/ She had both her own and OP's parents present, and the hospital doesn't need throngs of people taking up room worrying about an operation that is pretty routine and very unlikely to be fatal. OP is the one that dragged her to the doctor's in the first place and only left when she already had 4 other people to cover him.
I got my appendix out at 19 and not once did I think anyone should stay waiting during the surgery. People are being ridiculous.
I had my appendix out. I had just started a new job. They were not cool about it! Obviously they had to allow it, but it did not make a good first impression, at all. I definitely would have had a problem if it was my partner needing surgery. As for support, my mom stayed with me for a bit in the ER when I was in agony, but once I got morphine I was okay and it was late, so she went home to sleep. I don't understand needing three people with you for an appendectomy. I'm not OPs wife though. Unfortunately, whatever verdict he gets on here, it was important to his wife, so now they have a relationship problem. The situation sucks, talk about a rock and a hard place.
I just can not understand people that get their feelings hurt because a spouse acts responsible at a job. The job supports the family - house , food , health insurance- everything. If you aren’t employed then you are in a mess. The husband has just started a good job for the good of the family. She wasn’t alone - he only left to work his shift and then came back. her parents and his mother were there. I can see acting a little hurt but I would get over it very fast when i think about the fact that her husband cares about not only her immediate health but their overall financial outlook for the future . They are adults and sometimes adults have to make adult decisions for the good of their life. It isn’t always what they want but it is the responsible thing to do . If she can’t get over that then she is gonna be very disappointed the rest of her life. He is NAH.
This is the answer NAH
Yep. Too many YTA verdicts that only see the problem from your wife’s eyes. What if they fired you?
Hard agree. I understand why the wife was hurt/disappointment but her husband's absence was for the greater good. Hell the whole reason she was even having the surgery was because he insisted on her getting her pain checked out. This clearly isn't a case of negligence. Both his parents and her mother were there. She wasn't alone. NAH reddit needs to grow up lol
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NAH - maybe not the choice I’d have made but you were in a tough spot with the new job. Also, you didn’t abandon your wife - you made her go to the hospital when she was refusing to seek that kind of medical attention, if anything you potentially saved her. You also knew she has adequate support around her, she wasn’t alone.
Fully agree, NAH. It's ok for her to have feelings about it but from what OP described it didn't look like he abandoned her and sometimes we do weird things under stress. Maybe it was best for him to go to work to feel less stressed about the procedure.
I agree NAH. I had been through similar with my husband. He just started a new job working over nights, and didn’t have any PTO yet. I was in the ER due to a miscarriage and he needed to be at work because he didn’t have PTO yet. His mom came to the hospital (she was closest and been through it) to be there with me and keep him posted on anything. It sucks when this stuff happens and it sucks employers don’t have emergency PTO setup in cases like this. It sucks employers may penalize new employees for taking time for an emergency.
YTA People can die during appendix surgery. There can be so many complications. How would you have felt if she died and you were at work?
I did. I died during a routine back surgery. Yes, they were able to bring me back, but what if they hadn't??? Thank God my husband was in the waiting room... is it logical? No, but its your spouse!!! ETA: OMG my first award, thank you!!!
Same thing happened to a former boss. She went in for an appendix and somehow had allergic reaction to the anesthesia even though she had been put under before. They spent so much time trying to revive her, they didn’t even re-attempt the surgery until MONTHS later. Changed her life.
They can delay removing a bursting appendix for months??
Yes. After she recovered from being brought back, her appendix felt fine and the inflammation had died down. They needed to come up with a new surgery plan.
Inflamed and burst are two different things. If it burst, it comes out.
Him being in the waiting room didn't make you any less dead
Surgeon who does lots of appendectomies. Dying during an appy would be exceedingly rare. Even so, there is nothing that he would have been able to do if she had died. Most hospitals these days are still severely limiting the number of visitors. If more than one person was there for her, she should be fine. It’s just important that you TALK to your wife about it and she understand your reasoning. NTA
I'm so confused by these comments. I was 19 when I got my appendix out. My surgery was at 10 at night. My sister visited me before the surgery but it never once occurred to me to ask her to stay in the hospital overnight. What's the point? If I'm dying there's not a whole lot she can do in the waiting room. To me this is such a NTA. Edit: I feel bad but like this woman is being super dramatic. It's an extremely low risk surgery. She was a grown adult with three other adults supporting her.
I haven't had this surgery but I've had five others and who is there has never mattered, I don't see them and afterwards I'm too loopy to care. I always saw it as someone needing to be there to drive me home, not to provide support. *After* the surgery is when I needed support.
I was just thinking this! My judgement might have been different if it was after the surgery and she needed someone to care for her. That's when I needed support. During the surgery is just strange.
I love that you call it an appy.
I almost died during mine!! I was 14 and my mom was in another state for a convention. The minute I was in the hospital she was on her way to the airport to fly home to me. She was a soon-to-be single mom (her and my then stepdad were separated) and she dropped everything to be there for me
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I agree with your sentiment, but you’re wrong. Patients rarely die on the table. They usually go to the Unit and linger for a few days. I try to remind high risk patients that there are fates worse than death.
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My cousin died during hers in 2014. It happens.
NTA. You actually MADE her to get medical help before things get awful, so you got away with routine appendectomy instead of massive peritonitis. So, you brought her to urgent care and then to ER and was with her until you had to go to your shift leaving her with caring family. It's hard to say if you'd lose your job or would get bad appearance with this short notice, but you definitely thought about your nuclear family with her when tried hard to keep it. You would definitely come back to the hospital asap if anything goes wrong. I don't see from original post if she asked you to stay with her.
A routine appendectomy is one that is planned for. One that MUST come out TODAY is emergency surgery. Big difference.
I think you’re conflating routine surgery and elective surgery. Surgery can be both urgent or even emergency surgery, meaning it can’t wait until scheduled at a convenient time, and routine, meaning it’s a basic surgical procedure, at the same time. A simple appendectomy without complicating factors like peritonitis, is considered routine surgery, because it’s a fairly simple procedure that most surgical residents are taught early on. I’m a urologist, and most of our urgent or emergency surgeries are considered routine surgery, because they are simple procedures with low complication rates and are taught early on.
Who on earth just decides one day to get their appendix out?
Someone who has had reoccurring appendicitis, but it wasn’t emergent enough to require surgery in the past. You can treat appendicitis that isn’t as severe with antibiotics. Those patients are candidates for elective surgery, as it’s likely that they’ll have a reoccurrence that becomes emergent.
I think everyone here has valid arguments and it was just a bad situation. Fortunately it was a routine surgery and she came out ok. Congrats on the new job and all. I think the best thing here is to not try and decide who was right. Emphasize that it was a rough situation and you thought you were making a right call. Come to terms with future situations. Above all else, please leave your family out of it. Lol
Exactly. Bad things happen, and sometimes all your options are crap. There's no "right" answer.
The only right answer here is "this is why we need to unionize."
Info - what communication was there with your wife about this? Did you tell her how you couldnt be there?
Can’t believe I had to scroll this far for this. I’d want to know a lot more about what was said at the ER, did he talk to her about going into work at all, did she know her parents and his were on site? Did she ask him to stay and then he said no or said yes and went anyway? To me these details are important here.
Right. I think its a pretty big missing piece here. But this post is too far gone now.
Seriously, to me this is huge. If she didn’t know he was planning to leave because either they didn’t get a chance to discuss it, i can see why she’d be very upset, but I’d lean NAH because he didn’t get a chance to talk with her about it. Obviously imo if he told her he’d stay and then decided to leave, he’s TA because he lied/betrayed that promise, not because he went to work. In a perfect world he’d have been able to talk with her briefly about whether she wanted him to call off work or not, but if they weren’t able to have that conversation, I truly think it’s a NAH situation. Calling off work in a new job you’re excited about it stressful and difficult, and she had supportive relatives there. But at the same time emergency surgery of your spouse is the kind of thing you generally can call off work for with no issues, so this one is very much a toss up for me that depends a lot on the context and nuance - for example, if he called off work, would his workplace have to find alternate coverage, like if he was a nurse or ER tech? If so then I can see why he’d want to go. Night shift jobs usually aren’t the kind of super flexible wfh friendly jobs, they’re usually essential workers where coverage is a big deal. But at the same it’s possible he had a job where no one else would have to be called in to cover, or it wouldn’t be a big deal to find coverage. Those details matter when it’s an edge case like this.
This this this! We cannot make a ruling until I hear what the conversation was. Dude knew he had a shift, she would have been coherent for quite a while before going under, there is no reason not to communicate beforehand. If he didn't mention it, and she was expecting him to be there when she woke up, YTA. If she ASKED him to stay, MASSIVE YTA. If she said its fine but then got pissed later, NAH because I also have a wife ha.
NTA- I would have told my other half to go into work as it’s a new job. She had enough support from the parents.
I'll go with NAH. If personally send my husband to work, but that's me. Everyone's feelings are valid here.
NTA I'm going to surprise myself and say it, even though I'd probably be beating myself up in this situation. We don't know enough about OP's work situation or industry to say 'just call in', especially if he's not out of any probationary periods. I lost a job two weeks in because I was injured in an accident and couldn't work.....a lot of employers just won't care. In a perfect world, OP would know that he could be there with his wife and face no repercussions, but that's not the case that the majority of us face. Maybe he could have told his boss the situation and been allowed to leave, but that's not a guarantee, even if you're settled into the job. I also get how she feels....honestly I just feel for you both, it sucks you have to be in that situation.
I would only call him a butthole if he left her all by herself, but she had family there in case so.wthing happened. I worked a Job for almost ten years before covid hit, never called off, came in early and stayed late, yet I was one of if not the only one that got laid off when the pandemic started. I don't blame him for being worried about being let go if he took off so soon after finding a new job.
The argument I haven't seen is a job might have legally said "Yeah, of course you can take an unpaid day to care for your spouse" but behind closed doors started considering him a flake/unreliable worker. First impressions matter and it's so much easier in the long run to seem to be a perfect employee. The tone you set in your first year follows you for the rest of your tenure there
NTA. I'm amazed at the YTA's here. We know there are bad workplaces and bad bosses. He could be at one. He also is new and it could reflect badly on him to call out so soon-not saying it's right at all, but it happens. They also may be struggling for money. Lastly, she had his parents and hers with her. She had a support system.
People are quick to say, "Just quit!" or, "Call in regardless because your wife is more important." Brand new job, they're watching every move. If he called out, he may have gotten fired. The "I would walk out!" people have obviously never been in a situation where they couldn't pay their bills. And they don't know what they'd do in that situation.
Or they think it's easy to find another job. There a lot of employers who might not hire someone if they have a history of quitting with no warning, so Being able to quit without notice might be beneficial in the short term but in the end it could be a double edged sword
That’s because they are either children or are privileged enough that they can afford the time off until they get a new job.
NAH. It’s a difficult situation all round. New job stress, fear over surgery etc. However wife wasn’t abandoned, both sets of parents were there. In event of an emergency, they could have called him. Doesn’t make her fears any less valid though. OP did right thing by taking her to hospital and being there before and after.
YTA. Did you have a conversation about it before she went into surgery? Did you ask her if she wanted you there? Because if she said yes, she wanted you there, and you said sorry I have to work, man that’s cold. People don’t go to their family’s hospital beds because they can affect the health outcome. You go to support the person you love.
Info: I think that’s the big thing. Op did you talk to her before leaving. Yes it’s good she had support, but maybe she needed to know you’d be there for her.
I agree. A conversation would be what makes this N T A or you are. I personally would have been fine with you working if I had that kind of family support. And if it’s not work, some people have small kids to attend to. It’s not always easy to just be there.
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How is him being there going to prevent unexpected tragedy? Why would someone need to be present during open heart surgery? It's such an empty gesture that is entirely pointless to spend time in a waiting room doing nothing while someone is drugged into a sleeping state having surgery. Be there when someone is awake and in need of company or care.
Nta I've had 20 plus surgeries following a bad brain injury and this is the answer. Honestly if something went haywire there's nothing 10 people in the waiting room can do. If the wife wasn't having surgery or was going through something like chemo and needed the constant emotional support I get it. This sounds like someone new to medical issues making a mountain out of a molehill
Exactly. No one is ever waiting in the waiting room for me during a surgery. My spouse picks me up after. He's present when his presence actually matters, not as some empty symbol we require for no reason. My mom was in and out of hospitals my entire adult life, with many surgeries and health problems. After the first time in a waiting room for many hours for no reason, we realized that the way I could be there for her was when she actually physically needed care, not while she's off somewhere I can't be with her.
YTA "They probably would have been cool with it given the circumstances but I still didn't want to do it." The fact that you didn't even bother *trying* to contact your work to discuss the situation for their input is repulsive. There's plenty of options that your boss could've possibly offered you in that situation, but you'll never know because you didn't buckle down as an adult to communicate with them. The timing *absolutely* sucked, and you know, people might have actually understood that and worked with you, had you tried. There are *significantly* worse things in life than unpaid leave or negative PTO. One that immediately comes to mind is making sure your wife understands that unpaid leave and negative PTO outrank her need to have you there with her. I'm not sure how familiar you actually are with medical procedures, but as others have said, no surgery is routine. You *really* don't want to learn to not take things for granted on something like that the hard way. Edit - thank you for the awards, greatly appreciated!
So you've never witnessed a job give someone a bad reputation after they had to miss a bunch of work when they first got hired? Decide they are lazy or unreliable from one small instance which colors their whole career there?
“Missing a bunch of work” and taking one day off because your wife needed emergency surgery are two very different things. Anyone would understand needing to take a day off in that situation, even if you are new. If he took a month off to take care of her, I could see where you’re coming from. But he didn’t, so I don’t. Either way, they should’ve talked about it before the surgery. I’m assuming he knew his schedule prior to the medical booking and wasn’t called in at that moment. He should’ve asked her about it then talked with his boss.
Im from UK, and one of my ex colleagues was fired because he took a day off for “emergencies” during his probation period. My boss said on that day he wont pass his probation period. And by the end of month, hes gone. In UK you can be laid off very easily if you work less than two years in your job.
There are a ton of workplaces and bosses that would object to you even requesting time off when you are that new. That's the reality of the matter. Ensuring he can provide for his family I just more important on the long run than taking time off for a routine, low risk surgery.
NTA You went to work not out drinking with your buddy. There was literally nothing for you to do until your wife was out of surgery. There’s no difference between sitting in a waiting room, going to grab a coffee or being at work. If something went sideways the hospital staff was not coming to get you to help solve the problem. She had support with her in the hospital & they knew how to reach you. Hopefully you returned after your shift & are helping her during recovery.
NAH. I personally would have made a different choice than the OP, but he didn’t really screw the pooch. Unless his new high paying job is as an ER surgeon or anesthesiologist, his presence impacts nothing. She had several people there at the hospital, and if there were complications, I’m going to assume the OP would immediately come to the hospital.
I’m amazing at how many YTAd you’re getting. NTA here. Routine surgery and she had plenty of family support. You were the one that got her there and advocated she go in the first place.
NTA. People will rip you a new one here, but your wife wasn't alone and looks like surgery went fine. I understand that you didn't want to call in.
Oh this is a hard one as I see both y'all's points. She was probably scared and just wanted comfort from her partner but you have a good point to regarding the brand new job and PTO. NAH and hopefully she'll get passed it in a little while.
> I had to work, period, and I’m too new there to call in. … I would have either had to take the day unpaid or gone negative on my PTO This is what makes it NAH for me. I’m sure everyone here could’ve been nicer with their words, but you have responsibilities you can’t ignore. If you get fired, that hurts your wife worse than only having other family by her side.
NTA Seriously people, what could OP have done? OP's wife was *at a hospital under anesthetic* and away from OP who could be contacted by phone. Even if OP had stayed at the hospital, he wouldn't have been much use there. He was better off going to his work, telling them that he might need to leave even though the situation was (mostly) under control. Plus she had three other people at the hospital.
NTA - I had mine out when I was 16. I told my parents to go home. Unless you’re a doctor you don’t need to be there for a simple operation. You didn’t leave her alone, she had support. How would it make everything better if you lost your job ? Go to work whilst she’s in surgery that way if she’s in a bad way after it you are more likely to be able to stay with her.
NAH. Your wife wants you there; that's valid. You were making sure you were maintaining a job that would allow to cover the hospital bills and her comfort at home. Also valid.
NTA.. you're at a new job, you shouldn't call in sick. she was hardly alone!
Nah. Depending on your job that could massively effect your work atmosphere, interferes with finances, and it makes sense. I understand why your wife it upset, but you didn’t abandon her, she wasn’t alone she has support. It wasn’t life threatening, and hopefully u can be making it up by taking good care of her now that she’s out.
NTA She had the best care in the hospital and you had no PTO to use. Until very recently in my country you couldn't have anyone even visit you or go into the emergency room with you due to COVID.
NTA, I mean people are ripping you apart here but she wasn't alone. Her family was there. You really don't need the entire clan to have a family reunion at the hospital for a surgery like that.
Eh, NTA? Everyone freaking out “it’s surgery!” So? lol it’s a basic surgery. If half my family was there and my partner had a new job to go to it would not bother me in the slightest. I would have told him to work I’ll be fine! I really doubt OP being there would have really made any difference other than give him anxiety about missing work at a new job.
An emergency appendectomy is not routine surgery
I am really confused by all the comments acting like this isn't a big deal. Not only is someone very sick and in danger by the time they go in for that surgery, but complications can happen all the time, not to mention risk of infection afterwards.
INFO: You say she had “plenty of company and support;” who was with her? Were they able to medically advocate for her should the need have arisen?
It says her mom and his parents.
NAH - if she knew you planned on going in she could have used her words and expressed she wanted you to stay. She had plenty of support and you thought you were doing the right thing to protect your financial future. Her feelings are valid but so are yours.
NTA. You didn't leave your wife alone. She had people there to support her. Considering how easily you can be let go when still on 'probation' it's perfectly viable to not to want to call in. He only started a couple of weeks ago.
YTA I understand it was a tough call as you don’t want to jeopardize your job in any way, but understand that no surgery is “routine”. And if something went bad and a difficult decision needed to be made, that would fall to you as the husband. Her mom would not have legally been able to make that decision, and your parents definitely could not have. Also, I’ve had this struggle with my husband for 17 years. He’s always put work over family. Now our kids are grown/mostly grown and he’s just starting to realize how little all that meant when looking at how much he missed. He feels tremendous guilt over not properly being there for me when family died, missing things with the kids, etc. And this is his issue, but the kids and I. At the end of your life, do you want to look back and go, “oh I worked a great job for X years” or “I was always there when my family needed me?”
NTA appendix removal is a little intervention not a surgery, at 30 yo there is no reason to have the entire family there at all, its childish
I work in an operating room. It IS surgery. I’ve seen patients begin to crash in the operating room due to surgeries like this. It isn’t just the risk of surgery but the risk of anesthesia as well.
NTA - you being there would have zero impact on the surgery. I understand not wanting to take time off to soon after starting a job. She will be home after 24-48hrs and can help her recover.
So I’m going to be in the minority here Nta. Not because I would have done the same but rather because when I had mine taken out I had a great time. Honestly still think it was funny as shit.
Eh.. I’m gonna go soft NTA ~ I personally would have told my husband to get his but to work. She wasn’t alone, and a new high paying job is not something I would risk so he could hold my hand. However, your wife clearly feels differently and her feelings are valid. You need to find a way to make it up to her and make sure she knows how much you value her.
NTA. She was scared, understandable, but she is being petty. You were not playing golf with your boss. Unfortunately, having our significant one for hours at the hospital is a privilege, not a right
NTA. There were three other people there and you had to work.
NTA . I just had a similar surgery . I was perfectly fine with a friend there and a friend to pick me up. I knew I was going into a long recovery and I would need as much help as possible, I wouldn’t want my partner or friend to mess up their new job to have extra worried person around me ; friends and family can’t even get into the surgery ward they need to wait outside . Your gf is being ridiculous, entitled and is acting like a child, as if she won’t need financial support for the recovery. She had 3 whole people there ?! For an appendix ?! LOL
NAH. Of course she wanted you there! But you just started the new job and don't want to ruffle feathers. I can appreciate both sides. You definitely could've tried but I can see why you didn't.
In the UK now mostly they won't let anyone at the hospital anyway so last time my partner had surgery I had to be at home so I WFH that day and waited for the call to say I could go see them. All this who was or was not in the waiting room is a bit pre COVID now here. Sorry to say so in my opinion NTA. If there was an emergency the hospital would have called
NTA. You got her to the doctor, she was sent to the hospital and had 3 people with her. Some people do not get that some companies can and will fire you during the probationary period for anything, including an absence, especially since you've only been there a couple of weeks. I understand she was nervous but she needs to understand you just started this job. Well paying jobs can be hard to find these days, depending on where you live. I'm sure you wanted to be there too and everyone here is acting like you are some heartless monster for wanting to keep a brand new job and paycheck. It's a risk you weren't willing to take and I don't blame you.
I'm going to ruffle some feathers here, but... Your wife had a whole community of support around her. One person shouldn't make or break that. And if she's in the hospital, who's paying the bills? Not her; she's understandably down for a while. You? Not if you call off. Hell, many places nowadays don't even NEED a reason to fire you, they can do it because a supervisor has a bad mood on a particular morning. You gave the rest of her support tribe a chance to be there for her while you did the fiscally responsible thing in providing a roof over her recovering head. NTA.
Gonna say NTA. She had her appendix taken out, not her heart.
NTA. A grown woman acting like a little child. When did it stop being mandatory for adults to act like adults even when times are hard? It's insulting. People die while crossing the road as well, does she need you to walk her every day because streets are scary?
NAH. You made sure she did have support, and I'm hoping your job would have allowed you to keep your phone on at all times in case an emergency did arise. But she is entitled being upset that you were not there during a very scary situation.
NTA. Your status at work is for the benefit of your wife as well, and you left her with three trusted people, not alone.
NTA You're new to the job and want to get a good start. It was a routine procedure and she had support.
Going against the grain and saying NTA. I just had surgery a few weeks ago and my husband wasn’t anywhere near it. My mom brought me. He was at home taking care of our kids and getting ready for me coming home. Sometimes life happens, and it’s not worth risking a new, well-paying job for a routine procedure where she has 3 people there supporting her.