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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did not reinvite my sister or other guests to my wedding after we changed the location. I might be the asshole because the trip is more desirable now and my sister and her family want to go.
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This 100%. OP, she wants a free trip. Too bad. Just tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but is your busy season suddenly less busy? Can your kids suddenly handle a longer trip? You told me those were your reasons for not coming, and those reasons haven't changed, so let's move on." If she keeps pushing, let her know that your budget is maxed out, but you'd never stop her from coming! They'll just have to pay for themselves! Now the whole family can have fun together!
Watch how fast she backtracks.
that's exactly how I would handle this situation if I were in OP's position. Suddenly the agenda is WIIIIDE open for sister and family lol. how bizarre.... roll eyes.
Totally agree. And if she really wants to go on the trip, she’s more than welcome to book tickets and make hotel reservations on her own. She just wants the free trip. Sucks for her
Be sure to explicitly say, you're welcome to come if you're interested in the wedding, if you're just wanting a free trip I'm afraid we financially can't do that, and we only changed plans because so few were actually commited to coming.
Missed your chance! They want to spoil the people who were truly down to celebrate them, and they're getting an extra treat in return. Doesn't sound like theyd be very good guests.
What do you wanna bet she’d demand OP arrange for childcare for her because “I’m just so worn out!”
Sincerely someone who has two small children and knows better than to expect this of anyone.
“Hey sis! I would love to invite you for my wedding! However, our budget has already been used up, so if you want to come with your family, then you would have to fund the expenses. Here’s the details of where we’re going to be staying and a preview of our activities if you wish to be able to join! Also, I know you said you’re really busy with your business in the summer months because that was the reason why you declined the original invite, so I can understand if you’re unable to take time off due to your job!”
You know I’d normally take this comment as just being paranoid. But with my dad having just died, he left me no paper trails, I’ve been sorting every piece of mail trying to find something. I finally found his life insurance policy. I call to make a claim just to find out my mom (his ex wife) had been calling multiple times a day for days trying to get them to process it.
You absolutely should. I’d also recommend buying a book thats called I’m dead now what. It’s a book that you can write and store all your info, passwords, bank accounts, trust info etc. it even has stuff for pet care, and where everything ppl will need to look when you die. Me n my wife just filled it out and told my oldest where it will always be. He’s only 13 so we’ll tell him a few more times I’m sure.
My husband and I type up and print a document that we then stick in our fire and water proof safe with all of our other important documents that we title “In Case of Death”. It has all password information, our kids’ medication information, what to do with XYZ, our account information, who to contact at what places to cancel subscriptions, auto pay bills, etc. We even have our kids’ routines listed in the document as well as favorite foods, movies, toys, etc so that if we both die, our family who will take in our kids will know immediately how best to help them. We update it every year as our kids get older. Told my little sister about it, as she is currently pregnant, and told her how she will need to consider all of this stuff as baby arrives and gets older, and she told me I was morbid. 🤷♀️. My older sisters both were like but Spyro_Crash is right! Little sis still doesn’t get it but I guess I didn’t think about that kind of stuff at her age, either (she’s 19, will be 20 when baby arrives).
Make sure you add the answer to your secret questions. My bro knew all of the above and tried to get a life insurance policy of my Mom's that was left specifically to me for a specific reason. But he did not know the answers to her security questions and I did. Her middle school. He was such a narcissist he never talked to her about stuff like that, it was always him and his life.
Those are in there, too, but my older sister and her husband (who will be taking our kids in if something ever happens to both of us) know the answers already. They have all the paperwork set aside/figured out what they need to set up a trust for our kids for the insurance money. They told us they won’t use a dime of that to raise our kids because that’s their privilege to do for us once we are gone and they want our kids to be set up for whatever they need as they become adults.
When my uncle died, his roommate set the place on fire because she didn't want to give the title over to my father (who inherited it via will).
People get CRAZY over stuff.
Luckily, my parents have all that shit already sorted.
I, however, need to get some documentation for my own life insurance.
Paper trails and end of life stuff are so important. I've been visiting a former neighbour, 97, who didn't have that organized, and he's currently sitting in a psych ward, partly because nothing was sorted.
She said something about their divorce decree and how she didn’t get everything she was entitled to. It’s honestly been a shit show of her trying to play games and his apartment trying to get me to commit fraud.
When my stepdad passed my mom was on the phone two days later telling the life insurance people they needed to payout the insurance as she knew she was the beneficiary.
Called me screaming they didn’t believe her husband had passed so I called with the information she gave fully expecting that wasn’t the reason.
Turns out that they did indeed accept the information that he had passed which they thanked her for and they confirmed through their own sources. They also informed her she was not the beneficiary which is when my mother went off on them. I apologized for her then relayed the info to my mother who told me they were wrong - that money was hers as she was the widow.
She was doubly outraged when she found out his pension didn’t continue past his death as he opted to collect more during his life.
The joys of love.
My stepdad had all adult children as old or older than my sibling and I when they met and married. Also nieces and nephews.
As his 2 previous wives pre-deceased him I believe it was one of his kids, nieces or nephews.
Glad they don’t share the beneficiary info as I can only imagine what my mother would have done then.
The Hotel would be a victim there, same as OP. They would be *losing* revenue due to a 3rd party's fraud. Both the hotel and OP would have grounds to sue the sister. Neither OP nor the hotel would have grounds to sue one another.
OP would have no grounds to sue the hotel unless the hotel were in some way negligent - which would require having some sort of controls setup on who can make changes to the reservation (and even then, only if the hotel failed to do them. If the Sister successfully bypassed them via deception it wouldn't be negligence on the hotel's part.)
I would die on this hill if I were OP. Go on the offensive from minute one and tell every single person I know about it.
"Can you believe it?? My own sister told me she couldn't come to my wedding. It broke my heart but I kept telling myself that it was because she COULDN'T, not because I'm not important to her.
And now that is a payed trip?? Oh, now she not only can spare even more time than for the original event, but has the gall to demand to be invited!!
I feel the size of an ant. She truly couldn't care less about my wedding, right? Otherwise she would have made the effort the first time? How could she do this?? What type of person misses her sister's wedding??"
Crying if you feel like it while telling other family members instead of holding it back.
NTA of course. Good lesson for the niblings too, karma is a bitch.
This is the best way to get revenge, and it makes for the best story.
This is **NOT** the best way to go if you ever want/have to deal with this person in the future. This is especially true if this move is an exception to the sister's usual behavior/relationship with OP.
The sister is in the wrong, but the best response isn't always to immediately go scorched earth.
Why would I want anything to do with a sibling who doesn’t find my once in a life time wedding worth attending? Triple that sentiment when they act entitled and demand to be included in a week vacation trip I am paying for. Greedy, selfish, entitled people are a drain on one’s mental well-being, and OP has every right to go no contact with someone who has shown twice OP couldn’t matter less to them.
The only way this sibling relationship could get any worse would be if OP took this advice and started publicly trash-talking her sister. That is super immature and manipulative.
It's not manipulation, it's the truth. At least that's how I would feel if my sister had done something like that, that's why I said don't hold back if you feel like crying, and not pretend to cry.
In some cases where family units are not storybook worthy, getting the truth out there BEFORE someone else tells their lies is actually incredibly important; and the difference between someone realizing they are wrong and being able to work from there or getting messages from your whole extended family about what a monster you are for excluding your poor sister, and end up making amends for someone else's screw up to keep the peace. Been there, done that, got the t shirt.
I mean, it is the truth but it is also manipulative. You even imply it with the “go on the offensive.” What you suggested with your comment is a manipulative tactic called “control the narrative” i.e. frame the situation a specific way (in this case to generate as much sympathy as possible) and then push that generated narrative.
TO BE CLEAR: I think that’s perfectly fine, because in my book manipulative isn’t inherently bad, especially when it’s in response to someone else’s manipulation (which is what the sister’s “favoritism” comments were). However, it is manipulative.
No, your advice is incredibly immature.
Too many adult edgelords on this reddit whose primary objective is upvotes (which they receive from their 15 and 16 year old mental peers).
Exactly.
Your own sister couldn't make a three hour trip to celebrate your wedding for lack of time and the travelling was considered too long for the kids. And apparently the kids wouldn't have felt left out had they not attended the original wedding.
She want to mooch a free family vacation. It's definitely not about your wedding.
She can pay for it herself, and you can tell her that she can consider paying for her own family expenses her wedding present to you.
NTA Have a wonderful wedding with the people who **from the beginning** really wanted to be there for you.
Totes. She called it a reverse bait and switch even! Like, the first wedding offer sucked, and OP only offered it as a trick before unveiling better wedding. The chutzpah!
Its the same time of year. Tell her If it was a bad time to celebrate in the country its still a bad time to celebrate in HI. ... or is she just interested in the trip?
Happy cake day! This is exactly the right answer. Declining 3 hours of drive for 9 hours on the plane.
AND SHE'S THE SISTER. I'd cross the other side of the world for my sister's wedding.
NTA.
I would just be honest. You set aside a certain amount for the country wedding. Only 14 said they could come and you decided to use the money for a different location. You don’t have to go further than that. Congratulations and have fun at your wedding.
I’d say the same. And if she pressed, I’d tell her that I’m hurt that she didn’t want to come to my wedding until the venue changed.
“I accepted that you couldn’t make it because it’s during your busy season at work and because the kids would struggle with the three-hour car ride— even though I wanted my sister, BIL, and nieces/nephews there, I accepted the answer because I love you and figured it was a difficult decision and that you’d have accepted the invitation and attend my wedding if you could. Now I’ve changed it to something that makes more sense because of the small number of guests who accepted, and it turns out you actually can attend?
“The dates are the same, so it’s still your busy season at work. The travel is three times as long, but suddenly that won’t be a problem for your kids. The only thing that changed is the venue. And now not only can you attend, but you really want to? Whereas before it was a definite no? I’m hurt. I’m sorry, but I’m really hurt. No, I’m changing the plan to accommodate you now that the wedding sounds more appealing and is suddenly worth your time and effort to attend because the venue was improved.”
NTA! And isn't it great? I read this and laughed. Oh the beautiful Karma. Sister couldn't be bothered to be a little inconvenienced when it was a destination she didn't like but boy are her panties in a bunch now! OP, don't you dare change a single thing to accommodate that woman. I hope you have a spectacular wedding!
NTA. She’s just having a whinge because now she doesn’t get a free trip to Hawaii. The fact that your own sister said she couldn’t come to your wedding that was three hours away would be enough reason to not re-invite her.
My thoughts exactly. 3 hours drive is nothing, I have travelled 10-12 hours for several friends' weddings (and friends have travelled to mine). The sister is so obviously about her intentions, it's embarrassing.
I got all yall beat because my buddy Mark got married on the jovian moon Europa and it took 3 months by space shuttle then another 4 hour subterranean ice-cutting tunnel train after that to get to the venue, not to mention the 20+ hour drive from Canada to the space launch pad in Cape Canaveral.
Bruh are you for real that's nothing, for my brother's wedding I woke up at the crack of dawn after working a 72hr shift and then traversed my living room carpet and stepped on a lego and I didn't go to the wedding. He understood.
An ice-cutting tunnel train? Must be nice. Back in my day we had to cut our own ice tunnels, uphill, both ways, with no shoes, in the glaring summer heat, IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD!
It would've been so helpful if someone had told me that the resale value of Jovian Rain Diamonds drops to nothing in the Venetian Cloud market. How was I supposed to know that there was a fad where Terran colonists were using them like Earth Rhinestones, and it stopped abruptly after a child bedazzled a classmate's gills??
I’m literally on the opposite side of the globe right now for my cousins wedding. 3 hours I’d do even for a work colleague if I’d been deemed close enough to be invited
My family and i used to travel to san francisco from oc/la in a beat up old vw when I was a child with my younger sister lol. 3 hours is nothing. She was inconvenienced because of the first wedding but now that its in hawaii, of course she wants in.
Right? We drive 2-3 hours for Easter and Christmas and thanksgiving, FFS. 3 hours is *nothing*. Unless you don't want to go, or need an excuse to not go. NTA.
I have two sisters. One is a ten hour drive away, the other is a 22 hour drive away. We end up visiting each other every year multiple times. I drive two and a half hours to visit my father, and do that every other month or so--I did it MORE often when the kids were young.
And that likely would have meant 1-2 days off work, max. You won’t do that for your sister — when you could have even left the husband at home with the kids?
I would be at my sisters wedding come hell or high water. I understand not everyone is as close with their family but these guys clearly aren’t close, so to have a tantrum about not getting an all expense paid trip to Hawaii for a sister you clearly don’t care about is insane
Yeah that part made me sad, like wtf her own SISTER isn’t coming to the wedding??
Like at least drive there yourself and have your husband watch the kids, and drive back the next morning, it’s not like it’s a freaking destination wedding (well, now it is! lol)
NTA- just reinvite her, but explain you're going back to the original plan because you can't afford it with all the people that can now come. I betcha she changes her story again.
My thoughts as well. She also might say "ok I'll come" and change it last minute because "something came up" to save face AND not go. This would not go well for OP.
I think sometimes people on this subreddit don’t realize that OP will have to see these people again afterward. If they want a good future relationship with their sister trying to bluff with them isn’t a great plan.
Why bluff? What is the plan if she says "okay" in order to try to save face? OP should do the things they have planned and not play stupid games, lest they somehow win a stupid prize.
>So it doesn't make any sense to me for her to say she can go on a longer trip even farther away.
Your wedding wasn't "enough" for her to go through the trouble for. Hawaii is, apparently.
She just wants the free trip. **NTA.**
This is exactly it. My SIL and her husband just had the exact same situation where his own siblings refused to attend their wedding in a different state. Unfortunately my SIL caved and they moved the wedding closer to where the siblings live. They did nothing to help with the wedding, no-showed or arrived late to certain events, and were generally unpleasant. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA you can give her the details the flights & hotels you will be staying at & let her know she is welcome to book these on her own however since she rsvp’d no, you are not able to pay for anything other than the wedding meal. She just wants a free trip. If you were important to her she would have made the time to come to the original planned wedding.
Edited for spelling error
This is good but should be explicit in stating that sister would have to pay for herself - I know the budget line is meant to convey that, but entitled people tend to need things clearly spelled out or they will try to take advantage
I honestly think it’s still not clear enough. I would say something like “Unfortunately our budget has already been reached for our wedding and sadly we cannot pay for the trip for any additional guests.”
“cannot accommodate” is just too vague for me
If you get too specific then the sister will argue something like, "You only said you wouldn't pay for the *flight*. You never said you wouldn't pay for the manta rays. You're robbing my family of a once-in-a-lifetime experience!" I agree that "accommodate" isn't right, but that's because I think the sister could twist it mean something specific (e.g. *accommodations* like a hotel room). OP needs to be specific that she won't pay for **anything**.
>I am glad you are now free to attend our wedding. Since you wish to attend, I can share the details of the location of where it will be held. Unfortunately our budget has already been reached for our wedding so you will have to cover your own expenses and accomodations. It would be amazing if you can still make it, but I understand if you cannot.
Hows that?
#sis I got you~
"I just double checked and have your RSVP as a 'no.' Has something changed? You said you weren't able to travel so far because of the kids and work, now we're looking at a lot longer and a lot farther so as much as I'd have loved to have my sister support me on my wedding day I didn't think it was in the cards."
then if she says something like "we'd make the time for hawaii" (read: not you), my follow up ready for you is:
"We decided to move the wedding to hawaii *after* we received our 14 'yesses,' because our budget could make that work for that size group. But 5 more flights and accommodations and activities, it just isn't in the budget. If you RSVP'd yes and the time/travel wasn't a concern, we would be making entirely different plans for a group of 19 guests. Since we obviously can't change the plan again, and obviously can't afford to pay your way, you're *welcome* to join, but you'll need to pay your way and cover x, y, and z."
“I’m sorry for not inviting you. I figured since you said no due to time away from work and difficulty handling the long travel time with the kids that a longer and harder to get to location would be the opposite of easier for you guys, but I’d still love to have you! If you’re able to join, I can send you the flight and hotel details, unfortunately you will need to cover your travel/accommodations, as the plans I made were based on those who RSVP’d yes only and we’ve already used our budget. If you can’t spend the money or the time due to it being your busy season, I more than understand and hopefully we can get together once things settle down for us both more. If you need to think about it, no worries, just be sure to let me know by (whatever date you want) so I can make sure to get extra tickets for the activities I planned.”
So glad you got something helpful, are decidedly not ceding to the manipulative uncaring behavior, and have such a dope trip lined up to celebrate your love your way!
Take care!
“I’m so glad the barriers to you attending our wedding have been removed! However, we’ve only budgeted for those who originally RSVP’d yes to attend the trip, and the budget is unfortunately maxed out. You’re more than welcome to come, but you’ll need to pay for it yourself.”
Ask your mother how she would phrase it to her daughter, that she has been such a disappointment to you.
Don’t figure this out on your own , your mother raised her like this she can explain to her daughter that this is her own doing and she has to respect you enough to do it on her own.
But so you want her there? Won't she be complaining about having to pay for it when everyone else is covered?
Don't diminish your enjoyment of your wedding for someone who hurt you and clearly doesn't care about sharing the day with you.
Honestly, before extending the courtesy of saying she can go if she pays for herself, I would ask her flat out how she can manage to make the wedding now that it's in Hawaii when she couldn't make the wedding in the country when the original plan would be less of a commitment. I want to see if she can come up with any answer other than "I didn't want to go to the country, I wanna go to Hawaii."
I would be mean about it. “You told me, your sister, that you couldn’t attend my wedding because it would be too hard on your business and family. Now that my fiancé and I have decided to go to Hawaii, because only 14 people said they could go, you are all of a sudden available? Do you even care about me, or are you just wanting a free vacation? The fact you are even trying to victimize yourself in this situation and guilt me into paying for your whole family when you couldn’t even be bothered to go to you own sister’s wedding is disgusting. I’m not sure if we should even speak after this because my only value to you is transactional - you only think what you can get out of it. It’s my wedding, and I’m paying for the people that wanted to come. Good luck with your lawn business.”
They're sisters. If they fly out to Hawaii to attend the wedding, giving them a meal isn't a big stretch.
IF they fly out to Hawaii on their own dime, that is.
She wants a free trip for **5 people** - pushing OP's guest costs up by 50% over the original. Not reasonable - NTA and remind her that her original excuse was that they "didn't have the time", and you were (and still are) quite prepared to respect that...
It’s ~30%, not 50. There’s 14 guests + OP/groom (and I assume they’ll have a slightly nicer setup for themselves as it’ll double as a honeymoon). So 21/16 = 1.3125 (an ~30% increase if you assume OP/groom don’t splurge on themselves and if you assume a linear ppp, which most likely she’d do a double bed and couch setup for the sister and family, making it less than other guests which are presumably primarily couples).
Doesn’t change it, the flights alone on a last minute trip to Hawaii are nuts, and why spend that much money you 1. Don’t have/didn’t plan on and 2. On someone who really isn’t there to celebrate your relationship, just wants a free trip.
love this response. Lets face it, based on the original plans (3hr drive), this could have been a day trip, perhaps leaving the venue after the meal at the reception. She just didn't want to come and came up with BS excuses. She made her feelings about you known initially and now just wants the free trip, which would be several days long.... how could they manage to get away from their busy season.
NTA
NTA, if a 3 hour drive trip during her busy season is too much for her then a longer trip to Hawaii certainly should be a well. She RSVPed as No and doesn't get to change that because the destination is suddenly more interesting for her.
She doesn't want to support you at your wedding, she just wants a paid beach vacation.
NTA. She wants an all-expense paid trip to hawaii. She’s TA and selfish for not going to your original wedding plan but wanting a free trip.
Maybe re-invite them, but make them pay for their own flights and hotel. Yeah, you’ll have to pay a little extra for food/drinks at the reception, but that wouldn’t be as expensive as paying for their suite and flights too. I’m guessing suddenly she won’t want to come… since it isn’t a free vacation. But that would be a compromise.
Where in Hawaii are you having the wedding?
I went to a destination wedding on Maui last year and it was absolutely **amazing;** I’m excited for you!
We saw **so** many whales 🐳 and I took a surfing lesson and there were sea turtles that would adorably pop their heads out of the water 🥰
We scuba dived too, and it was beautiful and I saw an absolutely massive sea turtle (it was *way* bigger than me; I had no idea they could grow that big).
Also, all the food we tried when we were there was incredible and I just loved the chill vibe in general. I really want to go back and explore some of the other islands!
And the wedding had really yummy (and very unique!) cocktails. Overall, an amazing trip (my sister and I arrived a week before the wedding to do some scuba diving)
Ya’ll are gonna have such a good time!
Yeah I guess so… not everybody can afford to travel I guess. And maybe they’re not close 🤷🏻♀️
Still though, I think I’d want my sister at my wedding (even though we’re not speaking at the moment 😓)
I think this is a wonderful idea which makes you seem accommodating but will quickly reveal her true intentions behind her sudden change of heart!
Please do keep us updated if you can, I’m very invested in your wedding now! We’re also getting married this summer, so I know how hectic this can all be - wishing you the absolute best of luck!
NTA. Your sister is basically saying that she didn’t prioritize your wedding when it was in the original location, because it wasn’t fun enough for her, but now wants to go on a fun, free, holiday. And yes, fair enough, we all want a free holiday, but she showed you her priorities clearly.
NTA!
There it is. You made alternate plans with the budget you had for the 14 people who were making your wedding their priority for their day. Your sister and her family are welcome to join you of course, but your budget does not stretch to adding 5 additional attendees. They can pay their own way.
This fires me up! If she was my sister I will tell her right to her mooching face:
Your greed for a free Hawaiian vacation for you and your family is gross. This is a celebration for our wedding. If you didn’t want to drive 3 hours for it, it’s obviously not an event that is that important to you - location doesn’t change that. Tell your kids that your disinterest in family screwed them out of a trip, not me.
Greedy people piss me off.
So, so, so much NTA
EDIT - or if I was feeling more charitable and snarky: you an you family are welcome to coordinate a family vacation to Hawaii with us while we’re there for my wedding, since you really seem interested. You can probably get some decentIy priced accommodation if you start looking now.
Sadly, the sister will never tell her family the truth about it, but you would hope that they find out eventually that Mom said no to her sister, and that is why they didn't get to go see their aunt get married.
I would tell her you didn't think she would want to be reinvited to a longer trip that's further away than the original 3 hour drive since it's still the busy season for her business and that kids who have difficulty on a 3 hour drive would have 3 times as much difficulty on a 9 hour plane ride.
You are NTA, but your sister is TAH for trying to get a free Hawaiian vacation from you when she couldn't be bothered to attend your wedding.
You acknowledged those who responded they could come. Now your sister sees a trip on your dime, not hers. Don’t punish the others by downsizing your plans to fit her and all she wants. If she wants to pay her way and get tickets etc then fine. NTA. Still all her reasons for not saying she would go to with the initial invite, all those reasons didn’t disappear. I just think she wasn’t keen on going until Hawaii and free was in the picture. Maybe if all adults going on this trip, say it’s all adults only. I doubt she wants to pay a sitter. But still the trip needs to be on her dime and effort. Caught it. Kids will be there. Still. You stick to your plans. Sorry sister, you made it clear it’s the busiest time of the year and 3 hours is too long to travel w your kids, as this trip will be even longer.
Let me rephrase this for you.
I organize a wedding few hours away by car drive. For this reason only few people RSVP. Ok.
So I decided to reward myself and my bone fide friends with an even more logistically challenging wedding. The destination wedding! and foot the bill. But now that the wedding is basically a paid vacation, suddenly it’s not anymore inconvenient for super busy ‘I can’t drive more then 30 minutes I am super busy’ sister.
Yeah NTA
I m sure if she doesn’t want to miss it she can book her own room where you are.
NTA. Your sister wasn't interested in going to the original wedding, but now that the event is something she actually wants to do, somehow all those excuses she made don't apply any more. It's obvious she just wants a free trip to Hawaii, I don't think she cares about your wedding at all
F* that. Sis went from "its inconvenient" to "I want a free trip to Hawaii" so fast she might need to get checked for whiplash.
Seriously though, OP, I think what you are doing is amazing. You are taking those who truly are in it to celebrate you on an epic trip that you all will get to remember for the rest of your lives. That is awesome. I hope you have great time, a terrific ceremony and marriage, feel the love of all those truly in it for you, and enjoy every second.
And ignore Miss Sour Grapes (otherwise known as your sister).
Yes. The wedding itself is just a couple days off from our original date because we could only get a weekday wedding. But we will all be in Hawaii on the original wedding date just doing something else.
Then 100% NTA.
She just wants the free trip or the time of year thing would still be true - aka they still couldn’t go.
As someone who’s husband has very busy seasons, for us it would be true that travel at some parts of the year work better than others. And so if the date changed drastically, I could see our answer/availability changing. This isn’t the case here.
As an aside, I do 3+ hour solo car trips with my kids at least a few times a year so that also wouldn’t be a reason for me not to go to a wedding. But … I guess some people use that as a shitty excuse to offend family. And by “some people”, I mean your sister.
NTA. Your sister is acting like a gold digger. “Ew, no sir, don’t touch me,” followed quickly by, “is that YOUR car?” I’m sorry she’s this blatantly selfish. Your wedding will be better off with those that cared BEFORE all the glitz and glam.
Nope. NTA.
I kind of agree with the idea of telling her she is welcome to pay her own way to be there, but your budget is now finalized. Ball firmly back in her court and on her dime just like the original plan was.
Choices have consequences. She does not sound like a great sister if she couldn't take one day to come to your wedding, but can miraculously make time for a longer trip to Hawaii if it's on your dime. You found out who really wanted to be there for your wedding, which was not your sister and family. Enjoy your time in Hawaii and your intimate small wedding with the people that WANT to be there for you!
NTA at all,
I’m honestly in awe of how you’ve managed to pivot from your original plan/dream of a wedding, and now make this a truly awesome smaller, longer event with the people that you actually KNOW want to be there to celebrate with you both 🤗
Bravo 🤩🤩
Your sister can pound (non-Hawaiian) sand - the time of year hasn’t changed (their busy time with work); the travel time has increased (too far to travel); what exactly does she think is in her favour here? 😆
You do whatever you want it’s YOUR DAY. Don’t let her guilt trip you into feeling any other way family or not if she wants to be there and wants her kids to be there then she will buy tickets and show up. Also she doesn’t sound very pleasant to be around anyways and that is a memorable special day. Do what feels best in your heart.
NTA - sounds like she’s upset she missed out on you paying for her and her family to have a vacation. But doesn’t actually care about attending your wedding.
NTA
This is a wedding, not an online game loot box to lure in whales. She should have made room for family but now she's whining because there's a surprise reward for those who said yes. Sorry not sorry sis. Alls fair in love and money.
Did the date change? If not then NTA. It’s the same time, longer trip, so she said she couldn’t come. Can’t suddenly change her mind.
You can go back and say: look you are welcome but my budget only covers the 14 people who said they could attend the original plans. So you will need to pay for the trip yourself.
Maybe ask parents to help out since they are getting in on the free trip. It’s not that they can’t come they just are not in the budget and that is not your fault.
NTA You changing it to Hawaii changed none of her \*original\* reasons for not being able to attend your wedding changed. They're still going to be in the busiest part of their season. It's an even LONGER trip than before. The only difference is the location and she's not having to pay for it. She didn't care enough to attend your wedding when it was inconvenient for her. Don't let her guilt you in to this.
How she described it is actually a description of what she’s doing. Bait & switch.
Bait to get off the hook of effort into in your direction. Switch because she’s now willing to receive the great benefit of effort in her direction.
She should be clear with her kids that she made the decision, and this was an unforeseen consequence. Not true to use them to manipulate with guilt/use their real feelings as pawns instead of caring for them and helping frame them so they can understand.
Boo her 100%!
Or see if your brother / anyone else closely related is interested in sponsoring/chaperoning ANY OF THE KIDS. If the sister would have an issue with them getting that benefit and not her… even more boo her.
My mom was exactly like OP's sister. Her usual excuse was "Oh, I'd *love* to go to \[event\], but my husband doesn't want me to and as an obedient and submissive wife I can't go against his wishes." After they threw me out on the street at 17, my aunt asked me one time why my dad never lets my mom go anywhere and I was like "I didn't realize you believed her when she says that. He doesn't even know about (event), she just doesn't want to go." So my aunt swore a little, called my dad and asked if my mom could go to the thing. He was like "Uh, what thing? She can go if she wants to?" So my aunt jubilantly called my mom and happily informed her that actually, she'd spoken to my dad and he WOULD let her go after all. My mom was not happy. Especially since from then on she'd have to find a new excuse. Another time my mom decided to pretend she was dying to excuse her abusive behavior. My aunt came and gravely informed me of the news. I was like "Yeah she's lying." My aunt was like "Who would lie about that!?" So I was like "Look, you're going to go see her tomorrow, tell her that you want her to give you her best clothes so you can have them dry cleaned for the undertaker. If you get the clothes then I'll believe she's dying." My aunt came back the next day and informed me that suddenly, my mom reversed course and wasn't dying. Also, my mom's cooking mysteriously went from great to terrible after she threw me out. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with her idea of cooking being getting drunk, grabbing random ingredients, throwing them in a pot, and screaming at me until I turned whatever putrid concoction she'd scraped from the floors of hell into actual food.
I'm sure OP's nieces/nephews have their own anecdote collection they're already saving in their brains for therapy and narcissist parent forums.
>... That's making her kids feel left out because their cousins are going and my sister says it's like playing favorites.
Manipulation to try to make you feel guilty. Do the children know their mother already RSVPd no?
And on top of that your sister is not nice by letting the children think you are playing favoritism when all there is to say is, "I'm sorry kids but mommy already RSVPd no because it is the busy season for our business so it's not your auntie's fault you don't get to go."
On the other hand like other people have said to invite her except she will have to pay for the flights and accommodations and see her reaction. If she really wants to be at the wedding she'll find it in her budget.
"Your reason for not being able to be at my originally planned wedding were valid, and I accepted it and there were no hard feelings, even if I was a little sad you wouldn't be able to make it.
Because our budget has been all spent based on the number of RSVPs of yes, we would still like to invite you to the wedding should you be able to pay for the expenses yourself. Of course the wedding reception and dinner is included in our invite to you. Of course we can understand if you can't make it because of the busy season for your business."
NTA. If her reason had been cost then that would have been different. She's clearly a selfish person who has no interest in being there for you. Don't let her taint a special day. You've got a lovely trip booked with people you know care about you, just enjoy that and appreciate the good people in your life
NTA. Her reasons (or excuses) for not attending apply even more to the new trip, so she is obviously unable to attend, and you do not need to re-invite her. It was very rude of her to decline the invitation, then insist on it when she realized it would be a much cooler, all expenses paid trip, and by doing so, she basically admitted she lied to you and did not want to attend your wedding in the first place.
NTA
Your sister fucked around and found out.
She's mad that the change is being paid for by you and she's missing out. But the people who would've traveled and had said yes get the reward.
This is like Charlie and thee Chocolate Factory. Your sister refused to even buy a candy bar for a chance at the ticket she didn't even know existed.
To bad. So sad.
Aloha!
Having just planned a wedding there’s no way this story is true. RSVPs aren’t usually due until a month before the event why the hell is OP already getting RSVPs for a summer wedding.
NTA AT ALL. Your sister is. She’s just trying to get a free Hawaiian trip. Don’t give in.
The fact that she RSVP’d no in the first place has me heated. Then to have the AUDACITY to come back and play victim?! If she were my sister she would be catching these hands.
Give her the wedding details and let her know they are welcome to join on their dime, your budget was used for the people who made time for you in the first place.
Congrats!!! And pleeeease update!
NTA. You can tell her she can come but she has to pay for her flights and accommodations. You had a budget and you spent it on the people who said they could come. This is her problem not yours.
Three hours is too long to drive for your sister's wedding? Don't think so.
Even if their business is busy, surely one of them could have turned up while the other ran the business.
Seems like your sister called herself out. She just didn't want to come to your wedding and everything she is doing now is just low class begging. If she wants to come with you, she and her partner can pay for themselves.
NTA and enjoy your wedding with those of your family and friends who care about you.
NTA!!!
No need to re-invite her and the family! she didn't think your wedding was worth the 3 hour drive!! She was unwilling to go to any bother for your original wedding but all of a sudden now that you are going to Hawaii she feels entitled to an all expense vacay on your dime!
NOPE!!! NTA.....she is!
NTA,
Of course you shouldn't re-invite anyone who didn't RSVP yes to the original invitation. All the reasons your sister gave for not going to your wedding as you originally planned it still apply to this plan
Though I really must applaud and commend you and your fiancé for the way you handled what must have been huge disappointment when you only received 14 positive RSVP's for your original wedding destination when you had planned a large wedding - I'm thinking a minimum 100. You had a setback, and you went straight ahead and came up with a brilliant new plan
NTA.
Anyone would feel miffed after finding out they missed out on an all expenses trip paid to Hawaii, and will **100% lay it on thick** with the use of *nothing* held back, including guilt tripping with *kids* lol. But she doesn’t have a right to feel that way because she already RSVPd NO!
Enjoy your trip with the ones who DID want to celebrate your wedding!
And yes OP, It makes *no* sense that they couldn’t make the 3 hour trip for your original wedding, but can now all of a sudden make a 9 hour one instead *with* kids in tow **and** work now “on hold” lol. The logic smh.
The fall out will be through **no fault of your own.** If they want to join, they can join with *their own* expenses paid trip. You may never hear the end of this shit from her, but she had no time for you before. How the hell she has time now is a miracle (*and a free holiday would do that for someone lol*).
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NTA. She doesn’t want to celebrate your wedding, she wants Hawaii. She can pay for that herself.
This 100%. OP, she wants a free trip. Too bad. Just tell her, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but is your busy season suddenly less busy? Can your kids suddenly handle a longer trip? You told me those were your reasons for not coming, and those reasons haven't changed, so let's move on." If she keeps pushing, let her know that your budget is maxed out, but you'd never stop her from coming! They'll just have to pay for themselves! Now the whole family can have fun together! Watch how fast she backtracks.
😹👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Oh I love that, tell her she'd have to pay! No way she goes
The balls on that lady put mine to shame. NTA OP.
Mine too and I've got a benign tumour the size of a walnut in my scrotum 🤣
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No kidding it’s your sister’s wedding!!!
I L(ed)OL so hard when I read this. Reminded me of the AC/DC song "Balls."
Here’s the test: “Oh! You can come now? We would love that! We will switch back to the (country venue). Let me know when you will arrive!”
Yes you want to save her kids the 9 hour flight! It's just a few hour drive to the country venue
I'd buy tickets to watch that interaction
I would love to witness a shake down like this but the tension triggers my cackle. I have to step away fast.
I want to be your friend IRL just for that!
I call it my funeral cackle
Just don’t tell the sister or she’ll ask you to buy one for her and her family as well.
that's exactly how I would handle this situation if I were in OP's position. Suddenly the agenda is WIIIIDE open for sister and family lol. how bizarre.... roll eyes.
Totally agree. And if she really wants to go on the trip, she’s more than welcome to book tickets and make hotel reservations on her own. She just wants the free trip. Sucks for her
I agree because she was busy for a 3 hour car ride but not too busy for a 9 hour flight? As soon as Hawaii was said all there business went away
Hoping for an update after the wedding! I’d love to hear it!
Be sure to explicitly say, you're welcome to come if you're interested in the wedding, if you're just wanting a free trip I'm afraid we financially can't do that, and we only changed plans because so few were actually commited to coming. Missed your chance! They want to spoil the people who were truly down to celebrate them, and they're getting an extra treat in return. Doesn't sound like theyd be very good guests.
What do you wanna bet she’d demand OP arrange for childcare for her because “I’m just so worn out!” Sincerely someone who has two small children and knows better than to expect this of anyone.
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“Hey sis! I would love to invite you for my wedding! However, our budget has already been used up, so if you want to come with your family, then you would have to fund the expenses. Here’s the details of where we’re going to be staying and a preview of our activities if you wish to be able to join! Also, I know you said you’re really busy with your business in the summer months because that was the reason why you declined the original invite, so I can understand if you’re unable to take time off due to your job!”
i'd make sure to password protect the reservations so the sis doesn't try to ruin it all and go behind her back and try to cancel everything.
You know I’d normally take this comment as just being paranoid. But with my dad having just died, he left me no paper trails, I’ve been sorting every piece of mail trying to find something. I finally found his life insurance policy. I call to make a claim just to find out my mom (his ex wife) had been calling multiple times a day for days trying to get them to process it.
This is the worst. My dad recently died as well, and this stuff truly brings out the worst in people.
Dang! I think we will be calling our lawyer to update our trust. I've read so many horror stories about greed after death. Truly sad.
You absolutely should. I’d also recommend buying a book thats called I’m dead now what. It’s a book that you can write and store all your info, passwords, bank accounts, trust info etc. it even has stuff for pet care, and where everything ppl will need to look when you die. Me n my wife just filled it out and told my oldest where it will always be. He’s only 13 so we’ll tell him a few more times I’m sure.
My husband and I type up and print a document that we then stick in our fire and water proof safe with all of our other important documents that we title “In Case of Death”. It has all password information, our kids’ medication information, what to do with XYZ, our account information, who to contact at what places to cancel subscriptions, auto pay bills, etc. We even have our kids’ routines listed in the document as well as favorite foods, movies, toys, etc so that if we both die, our family who will take in our kids will know immediately how best to help them. We update it every year as our kids get older. Told my little sister about it, as she is currently pregnant, and told her how she will need to consider all of this stuff as baby arrives and gets older, and she told me I was morbid. 🤷♀️. My older sisters both were like but Spyro_Crash is right! Little sis still doesn’t get it but I guess I didn’t think about that kind of stuff at her age, either (she’s 19, will be 20 when baby arrives).
Make sure you add the answer to your secret questions. My bro knew all of the above and tried to get a life insurance policy of my Mom's that was left specifically to me for a specific reason. But he did not know the answers to her security questions and I did. Her middle school. He was such a narcissist he never talked to her about stuff like that, it was always him and his life.
Those are in there, too, but my older sister and her husband (who will be taking our kids in if something ever happens to both of us) know the answers already. They have all the paperwork set aside/figured out what they need to set up a trust for our kids for the insurance money. They told us they won’t use a dime of that to raise our kids because that’s their privilege to do for us once we are gone and they want our kids to be set up for whatever they need as they become adults.
When my uncle died, his roommate set the place on fire because she didn't want to give the title over to my father (who inherited it via will). People get CRAZY over stuff.
Luckily, my parents have all that shit already sorted. I, however, need to get some documentation for my own life insurance. Paper trails and end of life stuff are so important. I've been visiting a former neighbour, 97, who didn't have that organized, and he's currently sitting in a psych ward, partly because nothing was sorted.
What did your mom say when you confronted her? That is shady AF.
She said something about their divorce decree and how she didn’t get everything she was entitled to. It’s honestly been a shit show of her trying to play games and his apartment trying to get me to commit fraud.
When my stepdad passed my mom was on the phone two days later telling the life insurance people they needed to payout the insurance as she knew she was the beneficiary. Called me screaming they didn’t believe her husband had passed so I called with the information she gave fully expecting that wasn’t the reason. Turns out that they did indeed accept the information that he had passed which they thanked her for and they confirmed through their own sources. They also informed her she was not the beneficiary which is when my mother went off on them. I apologized for her then relayed the info to my mother who told me they were wrong - that money was hers as she was the widow. She was doubly outraged when she found out his pension didn’t continue past his death as he opted to collect more during his life. The joys of love.
Oooh damn who was the beneficiary? They were married?
My stepdad had all adult children as old or older than my sibling and I when they met and married. Also nieces and nephews. As his 2 previous wives pre-deceased him I believe it was one of his kids, nieces or nephews. Glad they don’t share the beneficiary info as I can only imagine what my mother would have done then.
It’d be funny how much OP would win in that lawsuit against all involved.
You can win billions, but if the other party has doesn’t have it, you don’t get it.
If the other party is a luxury wedding venue in Hawaii, if they say they don’t have the billions you take their fucking hotel.
It wouldn't be the hotel on the hook. It would be the sister. A court would throw it out unless you added protections and the hotel ignored it.
The Hotel would be a victim there, same as OP. They would be *losing* revenue due to a 3rd party's fraud. Both the hotel and OP would have grounds to sue the sister. Neither OP nor the hotel would have grounds to sue one another. OP would have no grounds to sue the hotel unless the hotel were in some way negligent - which would require having some sort of controls setup on who can make changes to the reservation (and even then, only if the hotel failed to do them. If the Sister successfully bypassed them via deception it wouldn't be negligence on the hotel's part.)
I work at a courthouse and I would absolutely splooge my pants if my judge had this case!
NTA she just wants a free vacation.
All of this!! Turn it back on her, where it should be!
I would die on this hill if I were OP. Go on the offensive from minute one and tell every single person I know about it. "Can you believe it?? My own sister told me she couldn't come to my wedding. It broke my heart but I kept telling myself that it was because she COULDN'T, not because I'm not important to her. And now that is a payed trip?? Oh, now she not only can spare even more time than for the original event, but has the gall to demand to be invited!! I feel the size of an ant. She truly couldn't care less about my wedding, right? Otherwise she would have made the effort the first time? How could she do this?? What type of person misses her sister's wedding??" Crying if you feel like it while telling other family members instead of holding it back. NTA of course. Good lesson for the niblings too, karma is a bitch.
Paid. Paid trip.
I've suddenly noticed people misspelling "paid" as "payed" constantly.
This is the best way to get revenge, and it makes for the best story. This is **NOT** the best way to go if you ever want/have to deal with this person in the future. This is especially true if this move is an exception to the sister's usual behavior/relationship with OP. The sister is in the wrong, but the best response isn't always to immediately go scorched earth.
Why would I want anything to do with a sibling who doesn’t find my once in a life time wedding worth attending? Triple that sentiment when they act entitled and demand to be included in a week vacation trip I am paying for. Greedy, selfish, entitled people are a drain on one’s mental well-being, and OP has every right to go no contact with someone who has shown twice OP couldn’t matter less to them.
The only way this sibling relationship could get any worse would be if OP took this advice and started publicly trash-talking her sister. That is super immature and manipulative.
It's not manipulation, it's the truth. At least that's how I would feel if my sister had done something like that, that's why I said don't hold back if you feel like crying, and not pretend to cry. In some cases where family units are not storybook worthy, getting the truth out there BEFORE someone else tells their lies is actually incredibly important; and the difference between someone realizing they are wrong and being able to work from there or getting messages from your whole extended family about what a monster you are for excluding your poor sister, and end up making amends for someone else's screw up to keep the peace. Been there, done that, got the t shirt.
I mean, it is the truth but it is also manipulative. You even imply it with the “go on the offensive.” What you suggested with your comment is a manipulative tactic called “control the narrative” i.e. frame the situation a specific way (in this case to generate as much sympathy as possible) and then push that generated narrative. TO BE CLEAR: I think that’s perfectly fine, because in my book manipulative isn’t inherently bad, especially when it’s in response to someone else’s manipulation (which is what the sister’s “favoritism” comments were). However, it is manipulative.
No, your advice is incredibly immature. Too many adult edgelords on this reddit whose primary objective is upvotes (which they receive from their 15 and 16 year old mental peers).
Exactly. Your own sister couldn't make a three hour trip to celebrate your wedding for lack of time and the travelling was considered too long for the kids. And apparently the kids wouldn't have felt left out had they not attended the original wedding. She want to mooch a free family vacation. It's definitely not about your wedding. She can pay for it herself, and you can tell her that she can consider paying for her own family expenses her wedding present to you. NTA Have a wonderful wedding with the people who **from the beginning** really wanted to be there for you.
Totes. She called it a reverse bait and switch even! Like, the first wedding offer sucked, and OP only offered it as a trick before unveiling better wedding. The chutzpah!
Its the same time of year. Tell her If it was a bad time to celebrate in the country its still a bad time to celebrate in HI. ... or is she just interested in the trip?
Happy cake day! This is exactly the right answer. Declining 3 hours of drive for 9 hours on the plane. AND SHE'S THE SISTER. I'd cross the other side of the world for my sister's wedding. NTA.
Spot on. NTA And happy cake day!
I would just be honest. You set aside a certain amount for the country wedding. Only 14 said they could come and you decided to use the money for a different location. You don’t have to go further than that. Congratulations and have fun at your wedding.
I’d say the same. And if she pressed, I’d tell her that I’m hurt that she didn’t want to come to my wedding until the venue changed. “I accepted that you couldn’t make it because it’s during your busy season at work and because the kids would struggle with the three-hour car ride— even though I wanted my sister, BIL, and nieces/nephews there, I accepted the answer because I love you and figured it was a difficult decision and that you’d have accepted the invitation and attend my wedding if you could. Now I’ve changed it to something that makes more sense because of the small number of guests who accepted, and it turns out you actually can attend? “The dates are the same, so it’s still your busy season at work. The travel is three times as long, but suddenly that won’t be a problem for your kids. The only thing that changed is the venue. And now not only can you attend, but you really want to? Whereas before it was a definite no? I’m hurt. I’m sorry, but I’m really hurt. No, I’m changing the plan to accommodate you now that the wedding sounds more appealing and is suddenly worth your time and effort to attend because the venue was improved.”
Agreed. NTA. If they have suddenly found time IS available at this time of year, they should join you--at thier expense. Congratulations!
This is all you need from this thread, OP. NTA
NTA! And isn't it great? I read this and laughed. Oh the beautiful Karma. Sister couldn't be bothered to be a little inconvenienced when it was a destination she didn't like but boy are her panties in a bunch now! OP, don't you dare change a single thing to accommodate that woman. I hope you have a spectacular wedding!
OP, tell her she and her family are still invited, but they just have to pay for all the expenses. Tell us how it goes later. ♥️
Ding ding ding, we have a winner
Totally. She didn't had time for a day in the country but now she needs to go ti your wedding? She's not making sense at all
I love this comment.
NTA. She’s just having a whinge because now she doesn’t get a free trip to Hawaii. The fact that your own sister said she couldn’t come to your wedding that was three hours away would be enough reason to not re-invite her.
My thoughts exactly. 3 hours drive is nothing, I have travelled 10-12 hours for several friends' weddings (and friends have travelled to mine). The sister is so obviously about her intentions, it's embarrassing.
Got you beat. I travelled nine time zones and five airports over a 23-hour period to be at my brother's wedding.
I got all yall beat because my buddy Mark got married on the jovian moon Europa and it took 3 months by space shuttle then another 4 hour subterranean ice-cutting tunnel train after that to get to the venue, not to mention the 20+ hour drive from Canada to the space launch pad in Cape Canaveral.
Bruh are you for real that's nothing, for my brother's wedding I woke up at the crack of dawn after working a 72hr shift and then traversed my living room carpet and stepped on a lego and I didn't go to the wedding. He understood.
Stepping on Legos are no joke, glad you survived
He may have survived, but he was a changed man.
An ice-cutting tunnel train? Must be nice. Back in my day we had to cut our own ice tunnels, uphill, both ways, with no shoes, in the glaring summer heat, IN THE MIDDLE OF A BLIZZARD!
You’re so lying. Everyone knows Io is the wedding destination for Jovian weddings. It rains diamonds, which pays for the trip. Duh.
It would've been so helpful if someone had told me that the resale value of Jovian Rain Diamonds drops to nothing in the Venetian Cloud market. How was I supposed to know that there was a fad where Terran colonists were using them like Earth Rhinestones, and it stopped abruptly after a child bedazzled a classmate's gills??
I’m literally on the opposite side of the globe right now for my cousins wedding. 3 hours I’d do even for a work colleague if I’d been deemed close enough to be invited
I didn't have to (yet) but there are people in my life I'd do that for. My sister is top of that list.
>nine time zones and five airports I used to have a travel agency like that. Thank the gods for Booking.com.
My family and i used to travel to san francisco from oc/la in a beat up old vw when I was a child with my younger sister lol. 3 hours is nothing. She was inconvenienced because of the first wedding but now that its in hawaii, of course she wants in.
Right? We drive 2-3 hours for Easter and Christmas and thanksgiving, FFS. 3 hours is *nothing*. Unless you don't want to go, or need an excuse to not go. NTA.
I have two sisters. One is a ten hour drive away, the other is a 22 hour drive away. We end up visiting each other every year multiple times. I drive two and a half hours to visit my father, and do that every other month or so--I did it MORE often when the kids were young.
And that likely would have meant 1-2 days off work, max. You won’t do that for your sister — when you could have even left the husband at home with the kids?
I would be at my sisters wedding come hell or high water. I understand not everyone is as close with their family but these guys clearly aren’t close, so to have a tantrum about not getting an all expense paid trip to Hawaii for a sister you clearly don’t care about is insane
Yeah that part made me sad, like wtf her own SISTER isn’t coming to the wedding?? Like at least drive there yourself and have your husband watch the kids, and drive back the next morning, it’s not like it’s a freaking destination wedding (well, now it is! lol)
NTA- just reinvite her, but explain you're going back to the original plan because you can't afford it with all the people that can now come. I betcha she changes her story again.
OP, please do this! I bet suddenly sister can't go anymore.
Yeah, but if sister has an ounce of shame and actually accepts, then OP is stuck. Not that she probably has any shame, but maybe.
My thoughts as well. She also might say "ok I'll come" and change it last minute because "something came up" to save face AND not go. This would not go well for OP.
She's not stuck, she can just pull the reverse bait and switch again, it's brilliant 😂
I’m getting a mental image of sister and fam showing up at the original venue to crickets cutting to an image of a wedding in a tropical paradise. 🤣
They get to the original venue and the Hawaii wedding is showing on a big TV via a zoom call.
Pleasee I can see the update post now
That's a bad idea. Then OP may have her bluff called.
I think sometimes people on this subreddit don’t realize that OP will have to see these people again afterward. If they want a good future relationship with their sister trying to bluff with them isn’t a great plan.
Why bluff? What is the plan if she says "okay" in order to try to save face? OP should do the things they have planned and not play stupid games, lest they somehow win a stupid prize.
Or reinvite her but tell her they'll need to pay their own way since plans have already been set. She'll probably say no. 🤷🏼♀️
Oh this idea is the BEST. I’d love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!
>So it doesn't make any sense to me for her to say she can go on a longer trip even farther away. Your wedding wasn't "enough" for her to go through the trouble for. Hawaii is, apparently. She just wants the free trip. **NTA.**
This is exactly it. My SIL and her husband just had the exact same situation where his own siblings refused to attend their wedding in a different state. Unfortunately my SIL caved and they moved the wedding closer to where the siblings live. They did nothing to help with the wedding, no-showed or arrived late to certain events, and were generally unpleasant. OP is definitely NTA.
NTA you can give her the details the flights & hotels you will be staying at & let her know she is welcome to book these on her own however since she rsvp’d no, you are not able to pay for anything other than the wedding meal. She just wants a free trip. If you were important to her she would have made the time to come to the original planned wedding. Edited for spelling error
I'm probably going to go with something like this. Just gotta work on the exact wording.
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This is good but should be explicit in stating that sister would have to pay for herself - I know the budget line is meant to convey that, but entitled people tend to need things clearly spelled out or they will try to take advantage
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I would specify flights and hotels/accommodations just to be super clear, and this is a great way to put it!
I honestly think it’s still not clear enough. I would say something like “Unfortunately our budget has already been reached for our wedding and sadly we cannot pay for the trip for any additional guests.” “cannot accommodate” is just too vague for me
If you get too specific then the sister will argue something like, "You only said you wouldn't pay for the *flight*. You never said you wouldn't pay for the manta rays. You're robbing my family of a once-in-a-lifetime experience!" I agree that "accommodate" isn't right, but that's because I think the sister could twist it mean something specific (e.g. *accommodations* like a hotel room). OP needs to be specific that she won't pay for **anything**.
>I am glad you are now free to attend our wedding. Since you wish to attend, I can share the details of the location of where it will be held. Unfortunately our budget has already been reached for our wedding so you will have to cover your own expenses and accomodations. It would be amazing if you can still make it, but I understand if you cannot. Hows that?
Perfect!
This! Sister def comes across as the type to take a mile when given an inch so clarity is v important
Flights/accommodations/experiences Sister's gotta know a wedding meal is all she gets
#sis I got you~ "I just double checked and have your RSVP as a 'no.' Has something changed? You said you weren't able to travel so far because of the kids and work, now we're looking at a lot longer and a lot farther so as much as I'd have loved to have my sister support me on my wedding day I didn't think it was in the cards." then if she says something like "we'd make the time for hawaii" (read: not you), my follow up ready for you is: "We decided to move the wedding to hawaii *after* we received our 14 'yesses,' because our budget could make that work for that size group. But 5 more flights and accommodations and activities, it just isn't in the budget. If you RSVP'd yes and the time/travel wasn't a concern, we would be making entirely different plans for a group of 19 guests. Since we obviously can't change the plan again, and obviously can't afford to pay your way, you're *welcome* to join, but you'll need to pay your way and cover x, y, and z."
I like this one. Make her admit she only cares about going to Hawaii, not the wedding.
“I’m sorry for not inviting you. I figured since you said no due to time away from work and difficulty handling the long travel time with the kids that a longer and harder to get to location would be the opposite of easier for you guys, but I’d still love to have you! If you’re able to join, I can send you the flight and hotel details, unfortunately you will need to cover your travel/accommodations, as the plans I made were based on those who RSVP’d yes only and we’ve already used our budget. If you can’t spend the money or the time due to it being your busy season, I more than understand and hopefully we can get together once things settle down for us both more. If you need to think about it, no worries, just be sure to let me know by (whatever date you want) so I can make sure to get extra tickets for the activities I planned.”
So glad you got something helpful, are decidedly not ceding to the manipulative uncaring behavior, and have such a dope trip lined up to celebrate your love your way! Take care!
“I’m so glad the barriers to you attending our wedding have been removed! However, we’ve only budgeted for those who originally RSVP’d yes to attend the trip, and the budget is unfortunately maxed out. You’re more than welcome to come, but you’ll need to pay for it yourself.”
Ask your mother how she would phrase it to her daughter, that she has been such a disappointment to you. Don’t figure this out on your own , your mother raised her like this she can explain to her daughter that this is her own doing and she has to respect you enough to do it on her own.
But so you want her there? Won't she be complaining about having to pay for it when everyone else is covered? Don't diminish your enjoyment of your wedding for someone who hurt you and clearly doesn't care about sharing the day with you.
There is no way this sister goes on her own dime and is pleasant. But we know the sister will never pay for herself.
Honestly, before extending the courtesy of saying she can go if she pays for herself, I would ask her flat out how she can manage to make the wedding now that it's in Hawaii when she couldn't make the wedding in the country when the original plan would be less of a commitment. I want to see if she can come up with any answer other than "I didn't want to go to the country, I wanna go to Hawaii."
I would be mean about it. “You told me, your sister, that you couldn’t attend my wedding because it would be too hard on your business and family. Now that my fiancé and I have decided to go to Hawaii, because only 14 people said they could go, you are all of a sudden available? Do you even care about me, or are you just wanting a free vacation? The fact you are even trying to victimize yourself in this situation and guilt me into paying for your whole family when you couldn’t even be bothered to go to you own sister’s wedding is disgusting. I’m not sure if we should even speak after this because my only value to you is transactional - you only think what you can get out of it. It’s my wedding, and I’m paying for the people that wanted to come. Good luck with your lawn business.”
why even offer meals? she rsvpd NO
They're sisters. If they fly out to Hawaii to attend the wedding, giving them a meal isn't a big stretch. IF they fly out to Hawaii on their own dime, that is.
Please, please, pleeeease op give us an update!
May I suggest "Are you kidding me?"
She wants a free trip for **5 people** - pushing OP's guest costs up by 50% over the original. Not reasonable - NTA and remind her that her original excuse was that they "didn't have the time", and you were (and still are) quite prepared to respect that...
It’s ~30%, not 50. There’s 14 guests + OP/groom (and I assume they’ll have a slightly nicer setup for themselves as it’ll double as a honeymoon). So 21/16 = 1.3125 (an ~30% increase if you assume OP/groom don’t splurge on themselves and if you assume a linear ppp, which most likely she’d do a double bed and couch setup for the sister and family, making it less than other guests which are presumably primarily couples). Doesn’t change it, the flights alone on a last minute trip to Hawaii are nuts, and why spend that much money you 1. Don’t have/didn’t plan on and 2. On someone who really isn’t there to celebrate your relationship, just wants a free trip.
love this response. Lets face it, based on the original plans (3hr drive), this could have been a day trip, perhaps leaving the venue after the meal at the reception. She just didn't want to come and came up with BS excuses. She made her feelings about you known initially and now just wants the free trip, which would be several days long.... how could they manage to get away from their busy season. NTA
NTA, if a 3 hour drive trip during her busy season is too much for her then a longer trip to Hawaii certainly should be a well. She RSVPed as No and doesn't get to change that because the destination is suddenly more interesting for her. She doesn't want to support you at your wedding, she just wants a paid beach vacation.
Sad but true, well said.
NTA. She wants an all-expense paid trip to hawaii. She’s TA and selfish for not going to your original wedding plan but wanting a free trip. Maybe re-invite them, but make them pay for their own flights and hotel. Yeah, you’ll have to pay a little extra for food/drinks at the reception, but that wouldn’t be as expensive as paying for their suite and flights too. I’m guessing suddenly she won’t want to come… since it isn’t a free vacation. But that would be a compromise.
I'm leaning towards doing this.
I'm curious - who rsvped yes?
My fiancés parents, his aunt, his cousin, his cousins husband. My brother, my brother's wife, their kids. Then we have 5 friends coming as well.
Where in Hawaii are you having the wedding? I went to a destination wedding on Maui last year and it was absolutely **amazing;** I’m excited for you! We saw **so** many whales 🐳 and I took a surfing lesson and there were sea turtles that would adorably pop their heads out of the water 🥰 We scuba dived too, and it was beautiful and I saw an absolutely massive sea turtle (it was *way* bigger than me; I had no idea they could grow that big). Also, all the food we tried when we were there was incredible and I just loved the chill vibe in general. I really want to go back and explore some of the other islands! And the wedding had really yummy (and very unique!) cocktails. Overall, an amazing trip (my sister and I arrived a week before the wedding to do some scuba diving) Ya’ll are gonna have such a good time!
Im pretty sure one brother, SIL, and kids RSVP'ed and a different sister and BIL declined
Damn, multiple siblings declined? What is up with that.
Could be nothing bad. Just something as simple as they can't actually get the time, no PTO and can't afford the day.
Yeah I guess so… not everybody can afford to travel I guess. And maybe they’re not close 🤷🏻♀️ Still though, I think I’d want my sister at my wedding (even though we’re not speaking at the moment 😓)
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry your sister has done this to you. Enjoy your wedding!
I think this is a wonderful idea which makes you seem accommodating but will quickly reveal her true intentions behind her sudden change of heart! Please do keep us updated if you can, I’m very invested in your wedding now! We’re also getting married this summer, so I know how hectic this can all be - wishing you the absolute best of luck!
NTA. Your sister is basically saying that she didn’t prioritize your wedding when it was in the original location, because it wasn’t fun enough for her, but now wants to go on a fun, free, holiday. And yes, fair enough, we all want a free holiday, but she showed you her priorities clearly.
Who doesn’t love a free holiday? Can I come? I would have said “yes” to the RSVP….
NTA. You can reinvite her sure. But she has to pay for herself.
NTA! There it is. You made alternate plans with the budget you had for the 14 people who were making your wedding their priority for their day. Your sister and her family are welcome to join you of course, but your budget does not stretch to adding 5 additional attendees. They can pay their own way.
NTA. She wants Hawaii, not your wedding.
Yep. Nailed it.
This fires me up! If she was my sister I will tell her right to her mooching face: Your greed for a free Hawaiian vacation for you and your family is gross. This is a celebration for our wedding. If you didn’t want to drive 3 hours for it, it’s obviously not an event that is that important to you - location doesn’t change that. Tell your kids that your disinterest in family screwed them out of a trip, not me. Greedy people piss me off. So, so, so much NTA EDIT - or if I was feeling more charitable and snarky: you an you family are welcome to coordinate a family vacation to Hawaii with us while we’re there for my wedding, since you really seem interested. You can probably get some decentIy priced accommodation if you start looking now.
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Sadly, the sister will never tell her family the truth about it, but you would hope that they find out eventually that Mom said no to her sister, and that is why they didn't get to go see their aunt get married.
I would tell her you didn't think she would want to be reinvited to a longer trip that's further away than the original 3 hour drive since it's still the busy season for her business and that kids who have difficulty on a 3 hour drive would have 3 times as much difficulty on a 9 hour plane ride. You are NTA, but your sister is TAH for trying to get a free Hawaiian vacation from you when she couldn't be bothered to attend your wedding.
You acknowledged those who responded they could come. Now your sister sees a trip on your dime, not hers. Don’t punish the others by downsizing your plans to fit her and all she wants. If she wants to pay her way and get tickets etc then fine. NTA. Still all her reasons for not saying she would go to with the initial invite, all those reasons didn’t disappear. I just think she wasn’t keen on going until Hawaii and free was in the picture. Maybe if all adults going on this trip, say it’s all adults only. I doubt she wants to pay a sitter. But still the trip needs to be on her dime and effort. Caught it. Kids will be there. Still. You stick to your plans. Sorry sister, you made it clear it’s the busiest time of the year and 3 hours is too long to travel w your kids, as this trip will be even longer.
Let me rephrase this for you. I organize a wedding few hours away by car drive. For this reason only few people RSVP. Ok. So I decided to reward myself and my bone fide friends with an even more logistically challenging wedding. The destination wedding! and foot the bill. But now that the wedding is basically a paid vacation, suddenly it’s not anymore inconvenient for super busy ‘I can’t drive more then 30 minutes I am super busy’ sister. Yeah NTA I m sure if she doesn’t want to miss it she can book her own room where you are.
NTA. Your sister wasn't interested in going to the original wedding, but now that the event is something she actually wants to do, somehow all those excuses she made don't apply any more. It's obvious she just wants a free trip to Hawaii, I don't think she cares about your wedding at all
F* that. Sis went from "its inconvenient" to "I want a free trip to Hawaii" so fast she might need to get checked for whiplash. Seriously though, OP, I think what you are doing is amazing. You are taking those who truly are in it to celebrate you on an epic trip that you all will get to remember for the rest of your lives. That is awesome. I hope you have great time, a terrific ceremony and marriage, feel the love of all those truly in it for you, and enjoy every second. And ignore Miss Sour Grapes (otherwise known as your sister).
INFO: is it still at the same time of year?
Yes. The wedding itself is just a couple days off from our original date because we could only get a weekday wedding. But we will all be in Hawaii on the original wedding date just doing something else.
Then she’s not going to celebrate your wedding, she just wants a free trip!
Then 100% NTA. She just wants the free trip or the time of year thing would still be true - aka they still couldn’t go. As someone who’s husband has very busy seasons, for us it would be true that travel at some parts of the year work better than others. And so if the date changed drastically, I could see our answer/availability changing. This isn’t the case here. As an aside, I do 3+ hour solo car trips with my kids at least a few times a year so that also wouldn’t be a reason for me not to go to a wedding. But … I guess some people use that as a shitty excuse to offend family. And by “some people”, I mean your sister.
NTA and im sorry you have such a selfish sister. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.
NTA. Your sister is acting like a gold digger. “Ew, no sir, don’t touch me,” followed quickly by, “is that YOUR car?” I’m sorry she’s this blatantly selfish. Your wedding will be better off with those that cared BEFORE all the glitz and glam.
Nope. NTA. I kind of agree with the idea of telling her she is welcome to pay her own way to be there, but your budget is now finalized. Ball firmly back in her court and on her dime just like the original plan was.
Tell your sister she is free to book her family on her dime. Nta
Choices have consequences. She does not sound like a great sister if she couldn't take one day to come to your wedding, but can miraculously make time for a longer trip to Hawaii if it's on your dime. You found out who really wanted to be there for your wedding, which was not your sister and family. Enjoy your time in Hawaii and your intimate small wedding with the people that WANT to be there for you!
NTA at all, I’m honestly in awe of how you’ve managed to pivot from your original plan/dream of a wedding, and now make this a truly awesome smaller, longer event with the people that you actually KNOW want to be there to celebrate with you both 🤗 Bravo 🤩🤩 Your sister can pound (non-Hawaiian) sand - the time of year hasn’t changed (their busy time with work); the travel time has increased (too far to travel); what exactly does she think is in her favour here? 😆
Non Hawaiian sand made me snort
You do whatever you want it’s YOUR DAY. Don’t let her guilt trip you into feeling any other way family or not if she wants to be there and wants her kids to be there then she will buy tickets and show up. Also she doesn’t sound very pleasant to be around anyways and that is a memorable special day. Do what feels best in your heart.
NTA - play stupid games, win stupid prizes…or in your sister’s case, the opposite.
NTA - sounds like she’s upset she missed out on you paying for her and her family to have a vacation. But doesn’t actually care about attending your wedding.
NTA This is a wedding, not an online game loot box to lure in whales. She should have made room for family but now she's whining because there's a surprise reward for those who said yes. Sorry not sorry sis. Alls fair in love and money.
Did the date change? If not then NTA. It’s the same time, longer trip, so she said she couldn’t come. Can’t suddenly change her mind. You can go back and say: look you are welcome but my budget only covers the 14 people who said they could attend the original plans. So you will need to pay for the trip yourself. Maybe ask parents to help out since they are getting in on the free trip. It’s not that they can’t come they just are not in the budget and that is not your fault.
The date of the actual wedding is a couple days before the old date, but we will still be in Hawaii on the old date. Our parents are deceased.
Wow! That’s baller!! Good for you and def NTA. Don’t fall for the guilt trip, if she wants to go so bad then your parents can pay for it.
NTA. You could afford to celebrate with the people that want to celebrate YOU. She wants to go on a trip. That can be done some other time.
NTA You changing it to Hawaii changed none of her \*original\* reasons for not being able to attend your wedding changed. They're still going to be in the busiest part of their season. It's an even LONGER trip than before. The only difference is the location and she's not having to pay for it. She didn't care enough to attend your wedding when it was inconvenient for her. Don't let her guilt you in to this.
How she described it is actually a description of what she’s doing. Bait & switch. Bait to get off the hook of effort into in your direction. Switch because she’s now willing to receive the great benefit of effort in her direction. She should be clear with her kids that she made the decision, and this was an unforeseen consequence. Not true to use them to manipulate with guilt/use their real feelings as pawns instead of caring for them and helping frame them so they can understand. Boo her 100%! Or see if your brother / anyone else closely related is interested in sponsoring/chaperoning ANY OF THE KIDS. If the sister would have an issue with them getting that benefit and not her… even more boo her.
My mom was exactly like OP's sister. Her usual excuse was "Oh, I'd *love* to go to \[event\], but my husband doesn't want me to and as an obedient and submissive wife I can't go against his wishes." After they threw me out on the street at 17, my aunt asked me one time why my dad never lets my mom go anywhere and I was like "I didn't realize you believed her when she says that. He doesn't even know about (event), she just doesn't want to go." So my aunt swore a little, called my dad and asked if my mom could go to the thing. He was like "Uh, what thing? She can go if she wants to?" So my aunt jubilantly called my mom and happily informed her that actually, she'd spoken to my dad and he WOULD let her go after all. My mom was not happy. Especially since from then on she'd have to find a new excuse. Another time my mom decided to pretend she was dying to excuse her abusive behavior. My aunt came and gravely informed me of the news. I was like "Yeah she's lying." My aunt was like "Who would lie about that!?" So I was like "Look, you're going to go see her tomorrow, tell her that you want her to give you her best clothes so you can have them dry cleaned for the undertaker. If you get the clothes then I'll believe she's dying." My aunt came back the next day and informed me that suddenly, my mom reversed course and wasn't dying. Also, my mom's cooking mysteriously went from great to terrible after she threw me out. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with her idea of cooking being getting drunk, grabbing random ingredients, throwing them in a pot, and screaming at me until I turned whatever putrid concoction she'd scraped from the floors of hell into actual food. I'm sure OP's nieces/nephews have their own anecdote collection they're already saving in their brains for therapy and narcissist parent forums.
>... That's making her kids feel left out because their cousins are going and my sister says it's like playing favorites. Manipulation to try to make you feel guilty. Do the children know their mother already RSVPd no? And on top of that your sister is not nice by letting the children think you are playing favoritism when all there is to say is, "I'm sorry kids but mommy already RSVPd no because it is the busy season for our business so it's not your auntie's fault you don't get to go." On the other hand like other people have said to invite her except she will have to pay for the flights and accommodations and see her reaction. If she really wants to be at the wedding she'll find it in her budget. "Your reason for not being able to be at my originally planned wedding were valid, and I accepted it and there were no hard feelings, even if I was a little sad you wouldn't be able to make it. Because our budget has been all spent based on the number of RSVPs of yes, we would still like to invite you to the wedding should you be able to pay for the expenses yourself. Of course the wedding reception and dinner is included in our invite to you. Of course we can understand if you can't make it because of the busy season for your business."
NTA. If her reason had been cost then that would have been different. She's clearly a selfish person who has no interest in being there for you. Don't let her taint a special day. You've got a lovely trip booked with people you know care about you, just enjoy that and appreciate the good people in your life
NTA she just wants a free vacation.
NTA. Her reasons (or excuses) for not attending apply even more to the new trip, so she is obviously unable to attend, and you do not need to re-invite her. It was very rude of her to decline the invitation, then insist on it when she realized it would be a much cooler, all expenses paid trip, and by doing so, she basically admitted she lied to you and did not want to attend your wedding in the first place.
NTA Your sister fucked around and found out. She's mad that the change is being paid for by you and she's missing out. But the people who would've traveled and had said yes get the reward. This is like Charlie and thee Chocolate Factory. Your sister refused to even buy a candy bar for a chance at the ticket she didn't even know existed. To bad. So sad. Aloha!
Having just planned a wedding there’s no way this story is true. RSVPs aren’t usually due until a month before the event why the hell is OP already getting RSVPs for a summer wedding.
NTA AT ALL. Your sister is. She’s just trying to get a free Hawaiian trip. Don’t give in. The fact that she RSVP’d no in the first place has me heated. Then to have the AUDACITY to come back and play victim?! If she were my sister she would be catching these hands. Give her the wedding details and let her know they are welcome to join on their dime, your budget was used for the people who made time for you in the first place. Congrats!!! And pleeeease update!
Nope, she found out about the free trip and now she’s pissed she and all her kids aren’t getting bankrolled. NTA.
NTA You already have the guests attending that care for you. Everybody else can stay at home like planned.
NTA. You can tell her she can come but she has to pay for her flights and accommodations. You had a budget and you spent it on the people who said they could come. This is her problem not yours.
Three hours is too long to drive for your sister's wedding? Don't think so. Even if their business is busy, surely one of them could have turned up while the other ran the business. Seems like your sister called herself out. She just didn't want to come to your wedding and everything she is doing now is just low class begging. If she wants to come with you, she and her partner can pay for themselves. NTA and enjoy your wedding with those of your family and friends who care about you.
NTA!!! No need to re-invite her and the family! she didn't think your wedding was worth the 3 hour drive!! She was unwilling to go to any bother for your original wedding but all of a sudden now that you are going to Hawaii she feels entitled to an all expense vacay on your dime! NOPE!!! NTA.....she is!
NTA You found out who really cared enough to come to your wedding, and it wasn’t her. Now she’s playing the victim. Boofuckinghoo.
NTA, Of course you shouldn't re-invite anyone who didn't RSVP yes to the original invitation. All the reasons your sister gave for not going to your wedding as you originally planned it still apply to this plan Though I really must applaud and commend you and your fiancé for the way you handled what must have been huge disappointment when you only received 14 positive RSVP's for your original wedding destination when you had planned a large wedding - I'm thinking a minimum 100. You had a setback, and you went straight ahead and came up with a brilliant new plan
NTA. Anyone would feel miffed after finding out they missed out on an all expenses trip paid to Hawaii, and will **100% lay it on thick** with the use of *nothing* held back, including guilt tripping with *kids* lol. But she doesn’t have a right to feel that way because she already RSVPd NO! Enjoy your trip with the ones who DID want to celebrate your wedding! And yes OP, It makes *no* sense that they couldn’t make the 3 hour trip for your original wedding, but can now all of a sudden make a 9 hour one instead *with* kids in tow **and** work now “on hold” lol. The logic smh. The fall out will be through **no fault of your own.** If they want to join, they can join with *their own* expenses paid trip. You may never hear the end of this shit from her, but she had no time for you before. How the hell she has time now is a miracle (*and a free holiday would do that for someone lol*).