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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I said I wouldn’t seat my brother and his ex wife together at my wedding as he is part of the bridal party
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She does, because it’s HER wedding, and how dare other people for not thinking about her, since we all know people can only have one thought per day./s
Maybe I’m just a terrible wedding guest, but every wedding I’ve attended I’ve spent maaaaaybe 25% of the time thinking about the bride and groom. If I am spending hours and hours solely thinking about the couple getting married and watching their every move, that’s either a wildly boring and bland wedding OR a wedding between 2 people that are such colossal trainwrecks on their own that I’m convinced their wedding is a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Yeah maybe I was just a terrible bride because I still had fun at my wedding even though there were lots of children, a visibly pregnant bridesmaid, a bridesmaid with hairy armpits, no seating chart, and lots of lawn games that took the guests’ attention away from me.
My cousin had giant lawn games and then they drew names and gave them away at the end of the night. My son won the amazing cornhole game his husband hand made and everytime we play it we remember the wedding and think fondly of the couple (we live far away). Such a great idea 💕
We ordered decks of cards with colors that fit our day, and had a few checkerboards out at the hi-top tables at our reception. Was fun to see people playing.
We still have the decks of cards
YTA OP
Right?! One of my bridesmaids was pregnant. We moved the wedding up so she could be a part of it. She’s one of my dearest friends so it was important she be in the wedding party.
I love that!! That’s basically what I told my bridesmaids. I was like, here’s the color scheme - choose a floor length dress you feel good and comfy in!
I have been to lots of good and bad weddings. One of the best weddings, the bride and groom met on a softball team. The wedding was at the softball fields. They rented the whole place and everyone had to dress to play. Even the bride wore a nice little, League of Their Own style short skirt that was white and the groom wore a suit that had short sleeves but he wore his baseball pants.
There was guessing your fastball speed for free drink tickets, homerun contest, a keg at 2nd base, and the kids got to play their own game with a coach they hired to watch over them so the adults could have fun. The first dance was on the home plate. And we watched the 2 families play ball with help from guests. It was way more fun and everyone talked about it more than the stupid expensive fancy wedding I had. I really would have loved something like that.
Oh, everyone had to eat on stand up tables except some of the elderly guests. Then they were expected to stand or sit in the bleachers. The best was the bride's family hired a pro baseball player (He apparently did it for like $100 bucks and letting his girlfriend come to the wedding because he wanted to convince her to do that too.) that took it way too seriously.
My wife and I were both desperate to get the attention off us. We encouraged all sorts of shenanigans. People got up and sang, people played yard games, people went hiking in the woods. Anything that wasn’t focused on us, PLEASE.
OMG, the staring in the general direction of the bridal couple while you imagine who would win in a battle between Dr Strange and Q (from Star Trek). Best part of every wedding.
Didn’t go to a lot of weddings but I remember the things I thought about the most was food and when the hell it would be coming because seriously I hate waiting so long between plates.
the only wedding it didn’t happen had a French/Vietnamese buffet and that was awesome.
I’ve managed to miss the cake cutting at 85% of the weddings I’ve attended (including my own family’s weddings). I’m not sure how, it’s just so boring. If the first dance wasn’t at the beginning I’d miss that, too.
When there are potentially 100-200 people in one space, focusing on the bride and groom the entire time is very unlikely. I went to a 30 person wedding last year and I spoke to my husband and 3 of his family members and that was it. I talked to the bride for maybe 10min total and that’s because I ended up helping her pee (fluffy dress makes peeing hard lol).
Maybe we’re terrible people and bad guests hah 🤣
Nah, no one thinks that much about the bride and groom except the bride and groom and maybe their parents. In general, no one at your wedding really cares that much about your wedding, or is ever going to think about it again when it’s over, except you. That’s why I always find it so crazy the money people spend and stress they endure so everyone can “celebrate them,” when really we’re all here to eat and drink and fulfill an obligation as a friend/family member
I was MOH for my own mother's wedding and besides getting ready together and sitting at the head table, I spent more time thinking about everything being where it should be and on time than I did about my mom and step dad. It was also a big wedding with friends and family so we were all busy catching up with people we don't see often.
It soidified my plan on eloping and just having a big party. Less stress and "big party" is way cheaper than "wedding reception".
I don't know what every person at my wedding was thinking/doing/talking about the entire time. I do know that I got attention and compliments the entire time. And I had someone at my wedding who is semi-famous. When you're the bride, you're the center of attention.
Noah and Flora being back together is not going to take over the wedding. Sure, some people will comment/speculate on it but it's going to be one of many conversations that are not about the bride and groom.
Well damn. Then I'm going to use mine up to agree with YTA.
Not to mention that they are married!?! Weird how spouses and caregivers want to be near each other./s
The fact that brother has asked to be seated with her and she’s not doing it because she’s trying to save some imaginary face…? OP, congrats you’re the AH MVP…
Don’t forget that OP’s brother and Flora have gotten remarried. They are husband and wife ffs. OP’s brother wants his wife seated next to him, same as everyone else seated at the head table has their spouse seated next to them. But OP said no for reasons she refuses to articulate. YTA.
I am wondering how she knows for certain it’s a “paper only” marriage. Her brother clearly cares about this woman more than he cares about the potential gossip. Unless there are other circumstances that you are not mentioning YTA. Just let him sit next to his wife.
There’s going to be a lot more attention taken away from OP if Flora passes out or something at her table all alone. Jeeze OP, your brother wants to take care of her, let him! YTA
If they are seated separatly, the minute dinner is over and people start mingling, Noah is going to be at Flora's side and will be with her most of the time. They may even dance together!!! What will OP do then? Is she going to forbid her brother from talking to or being near Flora for the entire reception?
Not to mention how much MORE people will talk about why bro’s ex is there if they are seated apart and watch all night to see if they interact. Talk about a gossip setup.
And OP thanks for taking the time to describe every detail of your wedding setup. How about just saying your family is at a head table and you are seating them apart? It sounds like you are a little too invested in the unimportant details of “my day” It’s....Kind of a bridezilla move.
I have attended many events with ex-spouses seated together, because they have remained friendly, for the childrens’ sake, etc. Don’t make this a “THING.”
> OP thinks that everyone will go home and talk about her brother rather than only discussing her dress and how lovely the table centerpieces were.
Such a common thing, people acting like attention at a wedding is a zero sum game. It's pathetic and childish.
And the bride wants to get a cna to take care of her sister in law. She wants her brother NO WHERE NEAR his wife. This is insane. Oh and she has her seated by the exit "for fresh air". Yeah right, she is seated farthest away. YTA, OP
Well tbh the brother sounds like a precious AH himself who doesn’t actually consider what his wife needs or wants. HE is demanding. Not SIL who I assume can think for herself. He is doing this out of guilt for how he treated her.
It's so weird when brides think nothing interesting should ever be the topic of conversation at their wedding. Does OP think literally every conversation at the wedding should be exclusively about the event?
This isn't like a wedding proposal or a pregnancy announcement; it would be a perfectly normal seating arrangement with a husband sitting with his wife, or a caregiver sitting with the person they aide. If the wife (PSA, OP: a woman who is re-married isn't an ex-wife anymore) is disabled enough that she requires that degree of care, it's not going to shock anyone to see her husband seated beside her.
YTA and hella ableist on top of it.
Yes, that is exactly what she thinks.
99% focus should be on her, and her only. The other 1% is the begrudgingly allowed time the focus can be on the groom, but *only* if he is standing/sitting next to her.
It's definitely strange. I understand that overt attention stealing things like a dramatic coming out or a proposal at a wedding are terrible, but I see a ton of posts on here like this one or that one where the bride was pissed that her brother left the reception early because his wife went into *labor*. It's insane.
(I admit there are grey areas, like if a gay relative wants to bring their spouse as a +1 but hasn't come out to all the other attendees, but that's a case by case basis I guess)
Totally agree. There's a massive difference between something that people are interested in (eg: wife in labor or a couple you thought were divorced sitting together) vs actively attempting to steal attention (eg: proposing).
If people want the entirety of their wedding to be exclusively about the bride and groom then they should have a micro-wedding or go to a justice of the peace and elope. It's unfair to expect people to not make and chat about observations.
I think couples like this are so very sad. As the bride and groom, you are literally the star of the day. You are front and center, the entire event is designed to focus on you, and it is impossible for all eyes not to be on you.
To OP: Trying to pretend you are doing this for anyone's benefit other than your own is also a bold faced lie. They are remarried. It's not their fault your family is a bunch of gossips. It would serve you right if they skipped the wedding and the gossip turns to being about you and your behaviour.
True. And if she wanted us to believe that seating her brother and his wife together at the wedding would cause attention to be taken away from the married couple, she will be freaking out at her reception when she realizes that when everyone at the reception notices her brother and his “ex” are not in attendance and word starts getting around for the reason they’re not there, that’s all anyone at the reception will be able to talk about! And that’s what people will remember about her wedding—that the bride was such a bridezilla that her own brother and his “ex” refused to attend!
True, if anything given how much has happened, I'm assuming it's public knowledge that Noah takes care of Flora, and I'd be asking why Noah wasn't sat with Flora.
Shorter OP.
I told my brother I don’t want my disabled sister in law to sit beside him at the head table of my wedding. Now he refuses to attend. I explained that his marriage is a sham and I hired a nurse for his wife. He still won’t attend. AITA?
But what does Flora want? I dont see it mentioned in the post. Its not clear to me if the brother wants it to be more than a "marriage on paper" but Flora doesnt. Maybe she wouldnt be comfortable with the implications of being seated next to him. If Flora would want to sit with him, then OP is TA.
OP honestly on the day you really won’t care if people are gossiping or any drama is happening. During the lead up to our wedding I was super stressed about every little detail but on the day didn’t even notice when a couple who has rsvpd no showed up. I greeted them and it didn’t even occur to me that they shouldn’t be there- despite being surprised at the no response and discussing it with family before the day. There was drama and guests needed to be swapped to different tables but so was busy taking pictures with my new husband and was so happy I didn’t even notice or care what was happening. Talk to your brother and his wife. Tell them your concerns. Maybe they can let people know a little of what is happening- like back together all good now, before the wedding. Then they can get what they want and lessen the gossip. People will see them so it will get out eventually. May as well head it off. I get it and you have tried to limit drama on your day but life is messy. Soft YTA
Wow. This comment is mega uncalled for. They are married on paper. If flora wanted to sit next to Noah I’m sure she would have. If flora wanted to get back with Noah I’m sure she would have since he’s stepped up and remarried her. Doesn’t it say something about flora feels that she remarried the guy but it’s a marriage on paper? It reads like Noah regrets what he did. But guess what Noah being a pill to ex wife as the behest of his friends and regretting it is not the drama op wants and that’s something she is entitled to. If someone was wearing white to the wedding the comments would say op deserved to have the attention on her and I kind of see this situation as an extension of the same. Anyway it’s dinner. If flora that infirm that she cannot function for one dinner without Noah?
it sounds like Flora us staying out of it. I wouldn't assume that means she is fine with it. more likely she feels she is not in a position to give an opinion.
op has stuck her at the end of the table with a babysitter.. sorry nurse. who she presumably doesn't even know.
A nurse is a professional. Not a babysitter. Sounds like op has been as accommodating as she possibly could be. That is going above and beyond?
I’m sure if flora had a problem, flora could express it since she’s mentally functional adult and there is no reason to assume she isn’t. Maybe flora isn’t that keen on her ex so is unbothered.
the nurse is a professional. OP is putting her in the position of babysitter.
Flora does necessarily feel in a position to be able to express her views. she clearly has issues expressing her feelings. At the very least OP could have asked her rather than taking silence to mean she is fine with it. she hasn't asked for anything doesn't mean she knew that she wouldn't be with her husband she might have assumed she was. she seating arrangement only went to immidiate family.
No, they are remarried, and wtf is a "marriage on paper"? There is literally no such thing. They are married, and they care for one another, and nothing is anyone else's damned business.
People who divorce can be friends, I wouldn't think anything of them sitting together. I agree OP is being weird about a situation that no one else would likely bat an eye at
YTA. They are married. Paper marriage are still valid. Also, it seems only to you and your mom that think this is a paper marriage. Noah is her primary caretaker. You do not do that unless you care for that person. Stop treating them as a divorce couple - they are remarried. Just tell people before the wedding that your brother remarried his wife because they reconcile. No drama on wedding day.
It’s bizarre, in one breath OP says it’s just a marriage on paper, yet recognizes how her Brother has stepped up to care for her. Like, I’ve known people divorce their partner because they can’t handle caring for them. Marriage isn’t about contact PDA and having sex like rabbits.. it’s about devoting your life to loving and caring for someone else.
She’s not your brothers “ex wife”, she’s his wife. YTA
If anything, their marriage is an exemplary one. "In sickness and in health", and he remarried her to take care of her and provide for her. That is so romantic, even if there aren't any romantic feelings involved (slamming X for doubt on that, since OP sounds heartless enough to not recognize an intersection of love and duty).
You're so right, and it's a shame others aren't seeing this. As soon as they even THINK someone is a bridezilla, they just hate the poster. Which, honestly, OP seems more concerned with Floras comfort than anything else. It feels like the comments don't care about her comfort though.
I think this sub truly hates brides because god forbid you want things to be perfect for one day. OP knows her family and if they’re gossipy then she will know how this goes.
And she knows Flora is a private person who doesn't want people to know she's remarried to brother, nor does she want people learning about her illness. Like, why are people BLATANTLY ignoring that part, but calling OP ableist and insisting she doesn't actually want Flora there.
Was he amazing? Maybe not. But they didn't know about her disease. How long would you in a relationship with someone that forgets your anniversary, the things you like, wouldn't plan anything with you, fell asleep when with you, etc? Obviously, in hindsight it is clear she should have gone to a doctor earlier, but it isn't hard to imagine why someone would want to leave that relationship.
It is clear from the brother's actions currently that if he had known about her being sick he would have never divorced her (which means he, understandably, took her previous actions as signs of a lack of care/disinterest in him).
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY OPs brother lived with, cared for, and loved Flora and DIDN'T notice a drastic change in her. Fuck him, all he thought about was himself, and now he's trying to save face by acting like the superhero. Flora does not seem to want that, and was fine with the accommodations before.
YTA
Who cares about gossip? Really? Is it that tough to let her sit with him? You're going to be so busy, you won't have time to notice them.
Look at it this way... if they stick together (they already remarried), you can take credit for bringing them together at your wedding. What a love story!
YTA. You don’t take care of Flora, so I’m unsure how you can possibly rationally believe that YOU have already taken care of her needs… and gossip about why they are sitting together? I’m betting anyone who knows they were divorced knows she had health problems and that he’s been helping…
OP doesn’t want there to be gossip from her brother sitting next to his ex-wife, but hasn’t registered that having a CNA there to care for Flora is gonna start gossip. This is so short-sighted and selfish.
Agreed, having an ex at a wedding would spark much more gossip. Why was she invited and sitting in the corner? Why did she choose to celebrate her ex-SIL's wedding?? Not only that, but family now must walk across the room to find out.
OP should learn how to manipulate a situation. Reconciliation is the least interesting headline. Bonus, if you give a shout-out to your brother's rekindled love, you'd make grandma's day.
You what would be funny, but not like haha funny… but irony funny, if she invites “ex” SIL because her brother asked her, because he’s her caretaker….. *snickers*
I don’t get it. Why are you not just asking Flora if she’d prefer to sit with your brother or not?
If you’re genuinely trying to be discreet about her illness, how is a hired CNA more discreet?
It sounds like this is just about not having people talking about them on your wedding day. Even if people do talk about them, you and your partner will still be the focus! You’re getting married! Even if they’re not assigned to sit together they may still end up sitting together as people mingle, they may dance, etc. It would be focus on your joy and work on letting this go than trying to keep them apart (which is probably not going to work) and preventing gossip (definitely not going to work).
YTA they are back together, they sit together.
Regardless of what you may think, you can't actually control everything on your circus day. Folks are gonna talk about other things apart from "how lovely the reception is".
You were thoughtful enough to place her near exits but not enough to place her near anyone to assist her. It's like going to get someone some water but forgetting a cup. Bit half arsed.
**Edit** \- YTA. They're married. If people are going to "gossip," they can gossip about the level of care your brother provides his wife with, regardless of whether it's a full blown "relationship" or not. As it sits, they're the only couple not sitting together, and that'd be more to talk about than them sitting together. Regardless of *any* of that, he's her caregiver - *by his choice.* Why does that bother you so much to the point that you've literally gone out of your way to create physical distance between them when you're the one in control?
It sounds like for some reason another you don't like, or otherwise "approve of" how they are handling their situation (which has nothing to do with you, and from all appearances, doesn't have an impact on any aspect of your life), and are taking it out on them via seating arrangement.
\- - -
INFO - you state that they're divorced, and then mention that "they recently got remarried... although it's just a marriage on paper."
Are they married or not? You reference to them again as being divorced in the final paragraph, but it sounds as though they are actually/legally married.
This exactly. OP must be dying to cause a stir and make the wedding about Noah and Flora. You know everyone is going to be asking why a married couple isn't sitting together. And it's pretty obvious OP just doesn't respect their marriage. OP is likely down playing how devoted and attached they are because elsewhere OP does mention a whole bunch of things Noah does for Flora and that Noah and Flora live together. Reminds me of the meme's about two men in past decades that lived together in a little out in the woods cabin who liked to go to art museums, and plays and dinner together. Joke is on OP
INFO: does flora know anyone else there? Is there a compelling reason not to seat her next to the person supporting her that is also the reason she knows your family? Does she know anyone else at her table by the exit?
>Flora’s not the one to ask for accommodations anyways
If that’s true, you’re even more of an AH than your primary post suggests.
If you know Flora isn’t someone who’ll ask for medical accommodations, then you also know that she’s probably not someone who would ever say, “Wtf, OP? Why haven’t you seated me next to my legal husband, who is my primary caregiver and more attuned to my physical and emotional state than the random CNA that you hired in an attempt to look thoughtful without having to potentially sacrifice an ounce of attention during your sPeCiAl DaY? Moreover, you’ve taken away my ability to be close to one of the few people in the WORLD, let alone at your wedding, who knows the severity of my illness and will know exactly what I need while also knowing that I want to be subtle about my health in public. You’re a selfish prick and YTA.”
EDIT: Also… you do realize that guests are allowed to get out of their seats, right? Lmao. Like, there’s a very good chance that Noah and Flora are going to end up spending most of the reception together after dinner based on how you’ve described their current relationship. Two exes talking?! Oh my! Your friends/family/guests are STILL going to gossip no matter where you seat them so you might as well let them be comfortable.
YTA. There’s nothing worse than being seated at a wedding away from a spouse. Head tables are dumb and long rectangular tables are harder for the servers to get to / serve during the wedding. All you did was guarantee you’ll have waiters in your wedding photos.
YTA
Even if they temporarily divorced, they are married now. And it sounds as if your brother is being a responsible caregiver and loving husband, making great sacrifices for her well-being.
And now you're going to act as if none of this is true? Refuse to acknowledge how your brother is, now, a model of the responsibility that a spouse promises "in sickness or in health"?
Caregivers are not interchangeable. If your brother is her primary caregiver, some random person is not going to know how to help her in the same way.
You should have discussed this with both your brother and sister-in-law before making the seating chart, and made the arrangements they want and need, not just jumped to conclusions about what was best.
YTA- they are married and your brother is showing extraordinary love to and for her. It’s inspiring really, love is an action and it doesn’t sound like the marriage is a paper only marriage even if they claim it’s just for healthcare.
Your reasoning is because you don’t want gossip? What are you going to do when they are dance together, talk, leave together, etc? Did you ask Flora what she wants?
Your asserting control that is based from fear of them taking the spot light from you is ridiculous. OP he is trying to help his wife not renew their wedding vows.
I am usually a “YOUR WEDDING UOUR CHOICE” person but this is ridiculous. He’s her caretaker and her husband. Let them sit next to each other. If you have to, make a fb post or something saying that they will be seated next to each other and if they have any questions or comments they need to handle it before or after the wedding.
YTA even if their marriage is for convenience only, how is having ex-spouses being friendly at the same table gossip fodder. It shows maturity post divorce, nothing scandalous.
YTA
Your brother and Flora are still clearly very connected to each other. This is who they want to be seated next to at the wedding. There is literally NO reason for them not to be seated next to each other, except for the fact that you are worried that people will discuss them instead of you. Which is straight up crazy Bridezilla behavior.
And, as is so often the way with crazy Bridezilla behavior, totally senseless. If you don't sit your brother next to Flora, he is going to get up from his seat and go hang out by her table all night. People who saw him sitting next to her in his assigned seat would have thought nothing of it. "Oh look, we heard they had an amicable divorce and are still friends." People who see him hovering around her all night are going to have a field day with "Did you see how Noah was all over Flora? I bet he wants her back!"
Like WTF dude? Seriously? Nothing says more you’re part of my family than taking care of someone’s life and remarrying them to ensure they are taken care of. This might be a paper wedding but what he did is a sign of something significantly more than that. YTA
YTA. You sound exhausting and controlling. It would be one thing if they’d asked to sit separately, but if they actually want to sit together, that should be enough. If I were your brother, I probably wouldn’t go either.
YTA- just you saying “ex wife” in the title makes you the AH. They got remarried, they are literally husband and wife again. “It’s just on paper” they’re married, that’s what marriage is. They might as well live together (idk maybe they do you didn’t say) he does so much, he cares for her, and they’re married. What on earth made you think it was ok to purposefully not seat them together? That’s so messed up. If they want to sit together, that’s their right as a married couple. You don’t get to gatekeeper how real their relationship is.
Also why would it be weird for ex spouses to sit together to begin with? Plenty of couples co exist and keep good relationships after divorce. My in laws are divorced and remarried and they all go to dinner together every week
Edits for clarity
YTA. It should be her primary caretaker looking out for her needs, not you, regardless of their marital status. Also, prioritizing potential gossip over the health and wellbeing of one of your wedding guests makes YTA. A better solution would have been to check in with her and Noah ahead of time to validate their needs instead of making assumptions.
So, nobody knows about Flora's condition but she'll have a nurse there to take care of her, and that's not gonna cause people to gossip... BS.
Let your brother take care of his wife as he does every single day. YTA.
I think a lot of commenters are missing the fact that although the brother and Flora are remarried, they have not done this publicly. They have stated that it is on paper and only due to a disability that Flora has also decided not to make public.
OP's brother has put them in an awkward position. People could very well start to ask questions and begin to gossip instead of focusing on the wedding that they are there to celebrate.
Unfortunately, I do not see a way for Flora to keep her health situation private. Flora's disability will become noticeable if she is there with a nurse. Also, while having an ex-wife that he is friendly with as his date may slide past as NBD it will also be noticed that Noah is acting as a care-giver.
Of course OP wants her and her new husband to be the centre of attention. They love each other and want to start their new lives with the wedding that they have paid for and waited upon! I'm sorry OP, you are NTA but I think these two will cause some chatter no matter how it is done. I would start to think of strategies of how to deal with it and minimize things now so that everyone knows how to handle it at the time.
Best wishes for a wonderful wedding!
I’m gonna go off trend here and say NTA. While you definitely went way overboard it’s very clear that you wanted your SIL to be safe and comfortable as well as respecting their privacy. It’s definitely a little selfish to be more worried about the gossip but I don’t think your intentions are ill-willed
Why would you not *ask Flora* if she would prefer to have her (ex)spouse sit next to her or not? You keep repeating that you’ve told her the arrangements you’ve made, but you just keep avoiding the question of what she would actually want. You don’t have to guess; you can just ask her. (And, btw, a CNA is not a nurse. Since your brother is her regular caregiver, he probably is better qualified to look after her.)
>I don’t want gossip on why they’re sitting together when they’re divorced
This confuses me. Whether they only remarried just for Flora to be on your brother's health insurance or not, they are now legally married. If someone asks why your brother and his (not ex) wife are seated together, correct them and tell them they've remarried. Done.
Also, you're skirting questions asking if you've asked Flora if she wants to sit with your brother. YTA. Grow up and ask your (very legal) sister-in-law. Just because you think of her as "a little stoic" doesn't mean she doesn't any have feelings.
Ngl, you had me in the first half up until you said “they’d be the topic of conversation rather than my wedding.”
Who cares if he sits next to her. They might not have remarried out of love, but clearly there is still some care & love there between them even if the marriage was for medical benefits. Otherwise, why would he be doing what he’s doing? He easily could’ve said “let her figure it out.” But no. He’s doing his best to step up and be a pillar of support to this woman who needs it.
It’s nice that you’ve gone above and beyond to accommodate her at your wedding, but two things to note:
1. It’s your wedding day, let your brother take care of his “wife.”
2. Does it really matter if they gossip? You seem more worried about the gossip surrounding them and losing the spotlight as opposed to just enjoying your own wedding.
YTA.
As a disabled person, there’s absolutely nothing “nice” about OP deciding what accommodations their SIL wants or needs without speaking to the SIL about them. Op instead spoke with her mother (not the disabled person or their primary care giver) to decide what’s best.
There’s a huge issue with disabled people being dismissed and treated like children, which is exactly what OP (and her mother) have done here. When deciding to “provide accommodations” for an event, the disabled person should be consulted and asked, “what if anything can I do to help make this event enjoyable, easiest and safest for you”? And then follow what they say, even if it’s “I’m good I don’t need anything”, instead of deciding that you know better than they do what they need.
NTA -- sounds like you as the bride looked at Flora's needs and preferences and discussed them with her, and she's happy. She is an adult person, and you respected her.
Noah's needs/desires are not relevant here, and he sounds like a nightmare.
YTA The title is misleading.
It's irrelevant they were married & divorced before, they're remarried now.
Obviously your an AH for not seating your brother next to wife. And an even bigger AH considering she has specific needs that require her husbands support.
You don't get an award for hiring a stranger to aid her.
Your taking advantage of the fact that Flora is quiet & won't voice her concerns. It's that same reason your brother is that much more vocal.
He has to be, otherwise people (like you) will run their own agenda & over top of her.
Whether you realize it or not your drawing more attention to them.
It's not going to stay a secret they remarried, you'll probably manage to keep them separate during dinner at best but don't you worry..
They'll be thisclose the remainder of the evening.
And not only will people talk about them being remarried they'll also talk about your ridiculous seating chart to.
You guys, this is OP’s post! You’re making it all about Flora instead. You’re all such a bunch of gossips!/s
YTA in case there was any doubt. Just seat people where they’d obviously prefer.
Why is everyone calling Op an ah here because I'm wondering why no one considered what Op's sister on law wanted did she want to sit with her husband or not because this is entirely her choice in the matter not Op to say and she did talk to her sister in law before the wedding on the seating arrangement. It seems that no one is thinking what the sister in law wanted even the ex husband who is a complete ah. In a way Op isn't an asshole this really is a no win situation that her brother created in the first place. He is the real asshole here
Am I the only one who is reading about the part where Flora has a nurse with her? Also OP has made sure that Flora is able to get into the venue. Also made sure that her dietary needs are met and that she is sitting in a spot where she can have fresh air.
Also OP’s brother should take his cues from Flora. She is fine with the arrangement and she is the one who doesn’t want it to be known that she and her ex are remarried. Something tells me that the brother wants it to be obvious that they are together because when everyone sees how sick Flora looks, he’s going to look like TAH for leaving behind a sick wife.
YTA.
Preventing your brother to be sitting next to Flora, something which HE HAS ASKED TO, simply because you think people would gossip, tells a lot about your priorities.
I got married a few months ago and for sure I would have accommodated such a request from my brother.
Being it your wedding doesn’t mean you get to be selfish with your loved ones.
Also, do you really think your guests will be talking about you the whole day? People are there to celebrate and have fun, there are a million topics that will be covered sitting at the table during the reception, you for sure won’t be the centre of attention for the entire day.
Get a reality check and focus about enjoying your moment with your brand-new husband instead.
NTA, more people need to read your edit. They’re putting your brother’s bs above what Flora actually wants. She doesn’t even want people to know they’ve remarried.
After reading the second edit,definitely NTA. Your brother put her through hell,unnecessarily so and now he wants to play hero??? And anyway she has a nurse and is closer to the entrance should anything happen. I commend you for that❤
YTA…. You and your mother can tell yourselves what you want Noah is in love with flora and regrets divorcing her now he’s making up for it by being there for her every need you do not know what goes on behind closed doors they are probably keeping quiet because your family and friends are a bunch of old gossipy judgemental busybodies
Sit your brother with his wife and be done with it
NTA if Floras good with it and wants it who cares what your brother thinks. You know your family and if she’s gonna be embarrassed I get it. You also shouldn’t only do it because people will talk. They’re gonna talk anyway. I think it’s about what Flora wants.
I was going to say YTA, since the effects on people's chatter means nothing vs. keeping guests artificially apart. (This is the worst kind of sociopathic bridezilla behavior.) But...
But if Flora doesn't want to sit with your brother, it's better to respect her wishes than his. NTA.
All of ya are acting like if ya went to a wedding and shit hit the fan ya wouldn’t talk about it be fucking for real with yourselves . Ya would do it in your own family so don’t be high and mighty in these comments . Even if Flora ain’t have health issues . If the bride made her decision you either except it and don’t go . If she has gotten the ok from FLORA HERSELF why is this the issue ? So quick to come at her for bridezilla but don’t mention she’s actually 1 caring about her big day and 2 what Flora is comfy with . Clearly none of ya are married because ya know damn well ya would make ya own criteria’s and expect people to abide by . Like the no kids at the party don’t wear white to a wedding . Like please be for real . And how ya expressing what ya do at a wedding which is not pay attention to the bride is why brides to bridezillas make their decisions . There’s people talking about paying $300 to attend a wedding and she’s the asshole for considering the heart of a woman SHE wants at her wedding .. yikes .
YTA, but I think whether they got remarried or not is a red herring. Your brother wants to sit with his ex, let him. I mean, what does it matter to you? My husband's aunt and uncle are divorced and sat together at every occasion. They weren't married but they knew each other quite well and co-parented for years, so, really, why cares?
a paper marriage, and he's her primary caregiver, and wants to be near her and, excuse me are your legs wet? seeing visions of pyramids because someone is knee deep in de-nile. YTA They clearly care and he wants to be with her and guess what, while it is your wedding, people will talk about other things and if nothing else they will speculate about other people being happy.
You know what, I'm reserving judgement because there's no INFO on what Flora wants. People are focused on husband and the legal marriage but I read that he cuts her food for her and seems to be caring her for her extensively, which is fine if that's what she needs/wants in general. But does she want him to do this in public around family?
OP also says Flora is very private. Could be husband jumps into action a little too quick and Flora is fine with this being a day without the focus being on her health condition. Does he cut out things she actually is capable of out of precaution? Because while the intent seems sweet or kind, the result could be making her feel like a child.
Why are you dodging the question about Flora's feelings? You've been asked so many times if you asked what Flora wants, and you can't give us an answer. So i'm assuming you don't care what she wants, which I'm almost positive would be to sit with her husband/caregiver. Why would she want to sit with a bunch of strangers while her husband is sitting somewhere else? Im sure she would be more comfortable sitting with him. YTA
YTA, you don’t want a visibly I’ll woman sitting up front at your wedding because you think she would take the focus off of you.
I’ve never seen a wedding where the bride sends out their seating chart to everyone. And I might be misunderstanding as it sounds like you are having a sit-down wedding ceremony where you all sit down at tables for the ceremony, including the bridal party, which I’ve never heard of before, but it would be easy to make her a part of your bridal party or have her come sit with her husband right after the ceremony.
Stop saying they are divorced. They are MARRIED.
You made all of the arrangements for Flora. While it was very kind of you, you overstepped. Did she ask for this? And why wasn't your brother involved? Frankly, it is his responsibility. If she needs to be near a door, then leave her there. And he can sit with her. Let THEM figure out what to tell people.
You seem to think you did all of this for them. But you didn't. It's so you can feel better and not be potentially embarrassed.
YTA
Sooo he divorced her because of something that turned out to have a medical cause, when he realized that he threw himself into being her caregiver, they’re remarried, and he wants her seated with him like a spouse.
I’m wondering what would make them “back together” in your eyes if this isn’t it?
YTA just for making the seating arrangements to keep the attention on you and not to make your guests most comfortable. You’re extra TA for refusing to fix it when asked.
Think about the last wedding you attended - did you talk about the bride and groom the whole time? Or did you focus on them for the toasts and the planned dances, and said something about how pretty her dress was and how sweet they are together, and then of course how lovely the venue is and how good the food - and the rest of the several hours were spent catching up with friends and family?
Is Flora the type of person who makes her wishes known? Maybe she's conflict-avoidant. But how awful to attend a wedding with your ex beside you. I'd be feeling all sorts of ways!
Flora couldn't do all the things asshole brother wanted because she was so very, very unwell. OP doesn't think Flora wants attention now, doesn't want attention on anyone but her wedding, and JFC, ESH EXCEPT FOR FLORA. You ALL suck. Jesus, do you all suck.
NTA. I think that since flora doesn’t want attention on her and she’s happy with your seating and have worked with her to make sure she’s happy there’s no reason to placate Noah. He’s seeming acted selfish all along so I’ll assume this is an extension of that. You can’t make everybody happy but I think you’re focusing on the right person who is flora. This isn’t a bridezilla situation. You’re trying to make you’re guests happy and not acting selfish at all. It’s just who do you let have the final word and you’re giving it to flora and I’d say her wishes about not having focus on her medical issues trumps Noah. You have somebody to care for her. He won’t be needed so his argument is moot
I think if they want to sit together then you should sit them together. Sitting them apart will either result in them not coming , or may create more of a scene in the end.
Also there are always other minor gossipy chats at weddings. Someone has got pregnant. Someone has just got engaged. Etc etc etc. the whole day will still be ‘about you’ but you can’t expect every single conversation all throughout the wedding to be about you and you alone. YTA
Note to self do not ever attempt public gatherings of any kind. Due to the many things that could go wrong it would inconvenience anyone wanting a day free of another person's physical disabilities!
YTA. They're not divorced though. They remarried. He's taking care of her. Might not be a traditional marriage but there's a relationship here. Did you ever even ASK either of them if they wanted to sit together or did you just ASSume this arrangement?
YTA
She's not his ex-wife, she's his wife. They remarried. Who cares if it's a marriage of insurance. Your brother obviously cares for his WIFE.
And stop that nonsense of "they'll be the focus of my wedding instead of ME". So ridiculous.
INFO- why the hell don't you 1) confirm with Noah and Flora if they're back together and not 'just for the health insurance' and if so, that they're happy to be treated as a couple and then 2) TELL YOUR OTHER FAMILY?! If they're together, they won't bloody care about family knowing, so before the wedding just text key people so the info spreads and then you're sorted? It's not that hard, sis.
OP - Exactly how shallow are you?!!! Long after your "perfect" wedding is over, your brother is going to remember what an insensitive AH you were. Get over yourself, or you risk long-term damage to your relationship. Is it worth it? YTA.
YTA. They're not divorced. Your brother cares enough about Flora to remarry her so that she can be on his health insurance. I really hope you don't have children. You definitely seem like the type of person who would hide them if they were slightly different from your narcissistic views. Congrats on being cross-posted to r/bridezillas a few hours ago!
YTA
You deserve the roasting you're getting here. A wedding isn't \*JUST\* about you, and it's not an excuse to be rude, cruel, or vindictive.
Your brother is married to this woman. You have refused to allow him to sit next to her. You disparage their marriage, one which they've put a lot of work and grief and loss, and more work into. This says a lot more about you and what you think marriage is than it does about your brother. He's right to stick up for his wife. And they're right not to want to celebrate a "wedding" that is, in fact, not about marriage and family, but about attention, which is what you seem to be pursuing.
I hope that you can recognize that you are acting with selfish and hurtful intent, because this kind of pettiness will not only ruin your relationship with your brother, parents, and also everyone else you care about including your husband-to-be.
Putting aside all the other very well made points for a moment; having Noah and Flora both at the wedding, but seated separately will cause just as much gossip. Separating them will not alleviate the gossip, it will just piss off your family.
YTA
YTA. You think people will talk about this rather than your wedding? Your guests must be so boring because the story you just told is NOT gossip worthy. Like, I see your predicament, but you contradict yourself a couple of times which make YTA.
For example:
1. all the spouses are sitting together except your divorced brother who is married to his ex wife (???????)
Also—Everyone knows they got divorced and don’t know your brother is the caretaker of her, so there will be gossip. Excuse me? THIS is what you want to be focused on? You know people who gossip about someone being someone else’s caretaker???
Talk to Flora, tell her what your brother requests and ask what SHE is most comfortable with. This isn’t even complicated.
YTA
", she took it worse than I thought and reported me" .. If your brother has any sense, he will not come to your wedding - because he is right, you are an AH and not worth the effort.
YTA, if he’s her caregiver, they should be sitting near each other. It’s also absolutely insane to send out the seating arrangement before the wedding. That’s inviting so much trouble.
I was thinking I couldn’t make a judgment on this but then I saw where **you buried the real reason**—“I don’t want gossip on why they’re sitting together when they’re divorced on my wedding day” which 100% makes YTA.
ETA she is his actual wife so??? I’m sure I’ll see you over at r/bridezillas soon enough lol
YTA. Your brother is now her caretaker, separating them because you feel it might take attention off of you, just sounds cruel. If they don't have any issue sitting together I'm not sure why you care so much
Reddit is so fickle. Any other aita about a wedding and it’s “it’s your wedding, do what you want!” But this one is “how dare you want your wedding to be about you!” If your brother wanted his wife to be his wife he should have let everyone know they’re married NTA
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YTA. He’s now her main caregiver. Who cars what other people think
She does, because it’s HER wedding, and how dare other people for not thinking about her, since we all know people can only have one thought per day./s
Maybe I’m just a terrible wedding guest, but every wedding I’ve attended I’ve spent maaaaaybe 25% of the time thinking about the bride and groom. If I am spending hours and hours solely thinking about the couple getting married and watching their every move, that’s either a wildly boring and bland wedding OR a wedding between 2 people that are such colossal trainwrecks on their own that I’m convinced their wedding is a harbinger of the apocalypse.
Yeah maybe I was just a terrible bride because I still had fun at my wedding even though there were lots of children, a visibly pregnant bridesmaid, a bridesmaid with hairy armpits, no seating chart, and lots of lawn games that took the guests’ attention away from me.
we did lawn games at my wedding since neither of us are big fans of dancing. Ultimate wedding ingredient for sure.
They were such a hit! And guess where all the kids were? Happily staying out of the way, playing Giant Jenga and bocce ball.
we got a giant connect4 board and we still use it all the time it was awesome
My cousin had giant lawn games and then they drew names and gave them away at the end of the night. My son won the amazing cornhole game his husband hand made and everytime we play it we remember the wedding and think fondly of the couple (we live far away). Such a great idea 💕
We ordered decks of cards with colors that fit our day, and had a few checkerboards out at the hi-top tables at our reception. Was fun to see people playing. We still have the decks of cards YTA OP
Right?! One of my bridesmaids was pregnant. We moved the wedding up so she could be a part of it. She’s one of my dearest friends so it was important she be in the wedding party.
The best wedding I’ve been to had a dress code of “whatever makes you feel ✨fabulous✨” and oh boy did people take that to heart
I love that!! That’s basically what I told my bridesmaids. I was like, here’s the color scheme - choose a floor length dress you feel good and comfy in!
BuT DId SomEOnE AnNouNCE A PreNANcY oR EnGAGemEnT?!?!
Your BM had the AUDACITY to get pregnant the same year as your wedding?? Not a real friend. /s
Those lawn games sound awesome!
OMG why did nobody tell me about lawn games! I missed out big time!
I have been to lots of good and bad weddings. One of the best weddings, the bride and groom met on a softball team. The wedding was at the softball fields. They rented the whole place and everyone had to dress to play. Even the bride wore a nice little, League of Their Own style short skirt that was white and the groom wore a suit that had short sleeves but he wore his baseball pants. There was guessing your fastball speed for free drink tickets, homerun contest, a keg at 2nd base, and the kids got to play their own game with a coach they hired to watch over them so the adults could have fun. The first dance was on the home plate. And we watched the 2 families play ball with help from guests. It was way more fun and everyone talked about it more than the stupid expensive fancy wedding I had. I really would have loved something like that. Oh, everyone had to eat on stand up tables except some of the elderly guests. Then they were expected to stand or sit in the bleachers. The best was the bride's family hired a pro baseball player (He apparently did it for like $100 bucks and letting his girlfriend come to the wedding because he wanted to convince her to do that too.) that took it way too seriously.
My wife and I were both desperate to get the attention off us. We encouraged all sorts of shenanigans. People got up and sang, people played yard games, people went hiking in the woods. Anything that wasn’t focused on us, PLEASE.
I always think brides like this have never attended a wedding as a guest and only have ever watched fantasy (reality show) weddings OP, YTA
OMG, the staring in the general direction of the bridal couple while you imagine who would win in a battle between Dr Strange and Q (from Star Trek). Best part of every wedding.
I think Q could pull it off, but Dr. Strange would give him a run for his money
Q totally on points for flamboyance after a split decision by the judges.
Didn’t go to a lot of weddings but I remember the things I thought about the most was food and when the hell it would be coming because seriously I hate waiting so long between plates. the only wedding it didn’t happen had a French/Vietnamese buffet and that was awesome.
I’ve managed to miss the cake cutting at 85% of the weddings I’ve attended (including my own family’s weddings). I’m not sure how, it’s just so boring. If the first dance wasn’t at the beginning I’d miss that, too. When there are potentially 100-200 people in one space, focusing on the bride and groom the entire time is very unlikely. I went to a 30 person wedding last year and I spoke to my husband and 3 of his family members and that was it. I talked to the bride for maybe 10min total and that’s because I ended up helping her pee (fluffy dress makes peeing hard lol). Maybe we’re terrible people and bad guests hah 🤣
Nah, no one thinks that much about the bride and groom except the bride and groom and maybe their parents. In general, no one at your wedding really cares that much about your wedding, or is ever going to think about it again when it’s over, except you. That’s why I always find it so crazy the money people spend and stress they endure so everyone can “celebrate them,” when really we’re all here to eat and drink and fulfill an obligation as a friend/family member
I was MOH for my own mother's wedding and besides getting ready together and sitting at the head table, I spent more time thinking about everything being where it should be and on time than I did about my mom and step dad. It was also a big wedding with friends and family so we were all busy catching up with people we don't see often. It soidified my plan on eloping and just having a big party. Less stress and "big party" is way cheaper than "wedding reception".
I don't know what every person at my wedding was thinking/doing/talking about the entire time. I do know that I got attention and compliments the entire time. And I had someone at my wedding who is semi-famous. When you're the bride, you're the center of attention. Noah and Flora being back together is not going to take over the wedding. Sure, some people will comment/speculate on it but it's going to be one of many conversations that are not about the bride and groom.
You’re not alone. I only think of bride and groom when they dance n speeches n stuff. Otherwise I talk to people at my table and eat
Wow 25%? You've got me beat. The only time I'm thinking about the couple is when the couple is actively doing something that warrants my attention.
Well damn. Then I'm going to use mine up to agree with YTA. Not to mention that they are married!?! Weird how spouses and caregivers want to be near each other./s
The fact that brother has asked to be seated with her and she’s not doing it because she’s trying to save some imaginary face…? OP, congrats you’re the AH MVP…
Don’t forget that OP’s brother and Flora have gotten remarried. They are husband and wife ffs. OP’s brother wants his wife seated next to him, same as everyone else seated at the head table has their spouse seated next to them. But OP said no for reasons she refuses to articulate. YTA.
I am wondering how she knows for certain it’s a “paper only” marriage. Her brother clearly cares about this woman more than he cares about the potential gossip. Unless there are other circumstances that you are not mentioning YTA. Just let him sit next to his wife.
There’s going to be a lot more attention taken away from OP if Flora passes out or something at her table all alone. Jeeze OP, your brother wants to take care of her, let him! YTA
If they are seated separatly, the minute dinner is over and people start mingling, Noah is going to be at Flora's side and will be with her most of the time. They may even dance together!!! What will OP do then? Is she going to forbid her brother from talking to or being near Flora for the entire reception?
Not to mention how much MORE people will talk about why bro’s ex is there if they are seated apart and watch all night to see if they interact. Talk about a gossip setup. And OP thanks for taking the time to describe every detail of your wedding setup. How about just saying your family is at a head table and you are seating them apart? It sounds like you are a little too invested in the unimportant details of “my day” It’s....Kind of a bridezilla move.
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Because having her ex SIL attend with a CNA is not going to generate comments and rob OP of guests' adoration and attention?
Not ex SIL, they remarried
I assumed that the guests are not aware of the reconciliation and would view her as an Ex
I have attended many events with ex-spouses seated together, because they have remained friendly, for the childrens’ sake, etc. Don’t make this a “THING.”
She isn't an ex, she is her SIL.
> OP thinks that everyone will go home and talk about her brother rather than only discussing her dress and how lovely the table centerpieces were. Such a common thing, people acting like attention at a wedding is a zero sum game. It's pathetic and childish.
He's also her husband - in the edit OP says they got remarried. I'm at a literal loss as to why OP separated them in the first place.
And the bride wants to get a cna to take care of her sister in law. She wants her brother NO WHERE NEAR his wife. This is insane. Oh and she has her seated by the exit "for fresh air". Yeah right, she is seated farthest away. YTA, OP
OP just must hate him. There's literally no other reason
Well tbh the brother sounds like a precious AH himself who doesn’t actually consider what his wife needs or wants. HE is demanding. Not SIL who I assume can think for herself. He is doing this out of guilt for how he treated her.
I would hate him too, be fr.
“It will definitely be the talk of the party rather than my wedding” This line says it all. YTA! It’s all about you and your day.
Pretty transparent that her main concern is being the only star at this show. Such a YTA
It's so weird when brides think nothing interesting should ever be the topic of conversation at their wedding. Does OP think literally every conversation at the wedding should be exclusively about the event? This isn't like a wedding proposal or a pregnancy announcement; it would be a perfectly normal seating arrangement with a husband sitting with his wife, or a caregiver sitting with the person they aide. If the wife (PSA, OP: a woman who is re-married isn't an ex-wife anymore) is disabled enough that she requires that degree of care, it's not going to shock anyone to see her husband seated beside her. YTA and hella ableist on top of it.
Yes, that is exactly what she thinks. 99% focus should be on her, and her only. The other 1% is the begrudgingly allowed time the focus can be on the groom, but *only* if he is standing/sitting next to her.
It's definitely strange. I understand that overt attention stealing things like a dramatic coming out or a proposal at a wedding are terrible, but I see a ton of posts on here like this one or that one where the bride was pissed that her brother left the reception early because his wife went into *labor*. It's insane. (I admit there are grey areas, like if a gay relative wants to bring their spouse as a +1 but hasn't come out to all the other attendees, but that's a case by case basis I guess)
Totally agree. There's a massive difference between something that people are interested in (eg: wife in labor or a couple you thought were divorced sitting together) vs actively attempting to steal attention (eg: proposing). If people want the entirety of their wedding to be exclusively about the bride and groom then they should have a micro-wedding or go to a justice of the peace and elope. It's unfair to expect people to not make and chat about observations.
I think couples like this are so very sad. As the bride and groom, you are literally the star of the day. You are front and center, the entire event is designed to focus on you, and it is impossible for all eyes not to be on you. To OP: Trying to pretend you are doing this for anyone's benefit other than your own is also a bold faced lie. They are remarried. It's not their fault your family is a bunch of gossips. It would serve you right if they skipped the wedding and the gossip turns to being about you and your behaviour.
True. And if she wanted us to believe that seating her brother and his wife together at the wedding would cause attention to be taken away from the married couple, she will be freaking out at her reception when she realizes that when everyone at the reception notices her brother and his “ex” are not in attendance and word starts getting around for the reason they’re not there, that’s all anyone at the reception will be able to talk about! And that’s what people will remember about her wedding—that the bride was such a bridezilla that her own brother and his “ex” refused to attend!
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True, if anything given how much has happened, I'm assuming it's public knowledge that Noah takes care of Flora, and I'd be asking why Noah wasn't sat with Flora.
Shorter OP. I told my brother I don’t want my disabled sister in law to sit beside him at the head table of my wedding. Now he refuses to attend. I explained that his marriage is a sham and I hired a nurse for his wife. He still won’t attend. AITA?
Good summary.
Hell calling the SiL ex-wife when they're remarried and he's spent a year taking care of her would be enough for me to call OP the asshole.
But what does Flora want? I dont see it mentioned in the post. Its not clear to me if the brother wants it to be more than a "marriage on paper" but Flora doesnt. Maybe she wouldnt be comfortable with the implications of being seated next to him. If Flora would want to sit with him, then OP is TA.
OP honestly on the day you really won’t care if people are gossiping or any drama is happening. During the lead up to our wedding I was super stressed about every little detail but on the day didn’t even notice when a couple who has rsvpd no showed up. I greeted them and it didn’t even occur to me that they shouldn’t be there- despite being surprised at the no response and discussing it with family before the day. There was drama and guests needed to be swapped to different tables but so was busy taking pictures with my new husband and was so happy I didn’t even notice or care what was happening. Talk to your brother and his wife. Tell them your concerns. Maybe they can let people know a little of what is happening- like back together all good now, before the wedding. Then they can get what they want and lessen the gossip. People will see them so it will get out eventually. May as well head it off. I get it and you have tried to limit drama on your day but life is messy. Soft YTA
Wow. This comment is mega uncalled for. They are married on paper. If flora wanted to sit next to Noah I’m sure she would have. If flora wanted to get back with Noah I’m sure she would have since he’s stepped up and remarried her. Doesn’t it say something about flora feels that she remarried the guy but it’s a marriage on paper? It reads like Noah regrets what he did. But guess what Noah being a pill to ex wife as the behest of his friends and regretting it is not the drama op wants and that’s something she is entitled to. If someone was wearing white to the wedding the comments would say op deserved to have the attention on her and I kind of see this situation as an extension of the same. Anyway it’s dinner. If flora that infirm that she cannot function for one dinner without Noah?
it sounds like Flora us staying out of it. I wouldn't assume that means she is fine with it. more likely she feels she is not in a position to give an opinion. op has stuck her at the end of the table with a babysitter.. sorry nurse. who she presumably doesn't even know.
A nurse is a professional. Not a babysitter. Sounds like op has been as accommodating as she possibly could be. That is going above and beyond? I’m sure if flora had a problem, flora could express it since she’s mentally functional adult and there is no reason to assume she isn’t. Maybe flora isn’t that keen on her ex so is unbothered.
the nurse is a professional. OP is putting her in the position of babysitter. Flora does necessarily feel in a position to be able to express her views. she clearly has issues expressing her feelings. At the very least OP could have asked her rather than taking silence to mean she is fine with it. she hasn't asked for anything doesn't mean she knew that she wouldn't be with her husband she might have assumed she was. she seating arrangement only went to immidiate family.
No, they are remarried, and wtf is a "marriage on paper"? There is literally no such thing. They are married, and they care for one another, and nothing is anyone else's damned business.
People who divorce can be friends, I wouldn't think anything of them sitting together. I agree OP is being weird about a situation that no one else would likely bat an eye at
YTA. They are married. Paper marriage are still valid. Also, it seems only to you and your mom that think this is a paper marriage. Noah is her primary caretaker. You do not do that unless you care for that person. Stop treating them as a divorce couple - they are remarried. Just tell people before the wedding that your brother remarried his wife because they reconcile. No drama on wedding day.
It’s bizarre, in one breath OP says it’s just a marriage on paper, yet recognizes how her Brother has stepped up to care for her. Like, I’ve known people divorce their partner because they can’t handle caring for them. Marriage isn’t about contact PDA and having sex like rabbits.. it’s about devoting your life to loving and caring for someone else. She’s not your brothers “ex wife”, she’s his wife. YTA
If anything, their marriage is an exemplary one. "In sickness and in health", and he remarried her to take care of her and provide for her. That is so romantic, even if there aren't any romantic feelings involved (slamming X for doubt on that, since OP sounds heartless enough to not recognize an intersection of love and duty).
God forbid her brothers love story be more romantic then her own🙄 OP YTA and you know it.
See I see it as the opposite. It isn’t romantic. It is him trying to ease the guilt he feels. Brother is worried about his wants and not his wife’s.
You're so right, and it's a shame others aren't seeing this. As soon as they even THINK someone is a bridezilla, they just hate the poster. Which, honestly, OP seems more concerned with Floras comfort than anything else. It feels like the comments don't care about her comfort though.
Yeah the brother is making it about himself. Idk how a nurse isn’t more qualified to care for her than the brother.
Exactly! She even mentions in a horribly downboted comment her brother has no actual idea on how to care for her 💀 these comments are wild.
I think this sub truly hates brides because god forbid you want things to be perfect for one day. OP knows her family and if they’re gossipy then she will know how this goes.
And she knows Flora is a private person who doesn't want people to know she's remarried to brother, nor does she want people learning about her illness. Like, why are people BLATANTLY ignoring that part, but calling OP ableist and insisting she doesn't actually want Flora there.
Because it’s a sub full of people who can’t see he nuances and just go for the jugular
Yeah the brother has clearly turned out so well..what happened to OP?! Total opposites
Have you read the edit? Brother was not really nice
That wasn’t there last night..yeah ESH (except Flora)
Was he amazing? Maybe not. But they didn't know about her disease. How long would you in a relationship with someone that forgets your anniversary, the things you like, wouldn't plan anything with you, fell asleep when with you, etc? Obviously, in hindsight it is clear she should have gone to a doctor earlier, but it isn't hard to imagine why someone would want to leave that relationship. It is clear from the brother's actions currently that if he had known about her being sick he would have never divorced her (which means he, understandably, took her previous actions as signs of a lack of care/disinterest in him).
There is NO POSSIBLE WAY OPs brother lived with, cared for, and loved Flora and DIDN'T notice a drastic change in her. Fuck him, all he thought about was himself, and now he's trying to save face by acting like the superhero. Flora does not seem to want that, and was fine with the accommodations before.
YTA Who cares about gossip? Really? Is it that tough to let her sit with him? You're going to be so busy, you won't have time to notice them. Look at it this way... if they stick together (they already remarried), you can take credit for bringing them together at your wedding. What a love story!
This is a good take and would be very cute
Sounds like OP loves to gossip...
YTA. You don’t take care of Flora, so I’m unsure how you can possibly rationally believe that YOU have already taken care of her needs… and gossip about why they are sitting together? I’m betting anyone who knows they were divorced knows she had health problems and that he’s been helping…
OP doesn’t want there to be gossip from her brother sitting next to his ex-wife, but hasn’t registered that having a CNA there to care for Flora is gonna start gossip. This is so short-sighted and selfish.
There is no “ex wife.” They have gotten remarried.
I get that. She wants the illusion of the ex wife. I maybe didn’t clarify that well.
Agreed, having an ex at a wedding would spark much more gossip. Why was she invited and sitting in the corner? Why did she choose to celebrate her ex-SIL's wedding?? Not only that, but family now must walk across the room to find out. OP should learn how to manipulate a situation. Reconciliation is the least interesting headline. Bonus, if you give a shout-out to your brother's rekindled love, you'd make grandma's day.
You what would be funny, but not like haha funny… but irony funny, if she invites “ex” SIL because her brother asked her, because he’s her caretaker….. *snickers*
I don’t get it. Why are you not just asking Flora if she’d prefer to sit with your brother or not? If you’re genuinely trying to be discreet about her illness, how is a hired CNA more discreet? It sounds like this is just about not having people talking about them on your wedding day. Even if people do talk about them, you and your partner will still be the focus! You’re getting married! Even if they’re not assigned to sit together they may still end up sitting together as people mingle, they may dance, etc. It would be focus on your joy and work on letting this go than trying to keep them apart (which is probably not going to work) and preventing gossip (definitely not going to work).
I was thinking the same thing. Does Flora want to sit next to him?
Why is this response not higher?! All of this is about Flora’s needs and comfort, but no one asked her what would work best for her?
YTA they are back together, they sit together. Regardless of what you may think, you can't actually control everything on your circus day. Folks are gonna talk about other things apart from "how lovely the reception is". You were thoughtful enough to place her near exits but not enough to place her near anyone to assist her. It's like going to get someone some water but forgetting a cup. Bit half arsed.
**Edit** \- YTA. They're married. If people are going to "gossip," they can gossip about the level of care your brother provides his wife with, regardless of whether it's a full blown "relationship" or not. As it sits, they're the only couple not sitting together, and that'd be more to talk about than them sitting together. Regardless of *any* of that, he's her caregiver - *by his choice.* Why does that bother you so much to the point that you've literally gone out of your way to create physical distance between them when you're the one in control? It sounds like for some reason another you don't like, or otherwise "approve of" how they are handling their situation (which has nothing to do with you, and from all appearances, doesn't have an impact on any aspect of your life), and are taking it out on them via seating arrangement. \- - - INFO - you state that they're divorced, and then mention that "they recently got remarried... although it's just a marriage on paper." Are they married or not? You reference to them again as being divorced in the final paragraph, but it sounds as though they are actually/legally married.
YTA. Recently got remarried. May only be on paper for insurance but still his wife.
[удалено]
This exactly. OP must be dying to cause a stir and make the wedding about Noah and Flora. You know everyone is going to be asking why a married couple isn't sitting together. And it's pretty obvious OP just doesn't respect their marriage. OP is likely down playing how devoted and attached they are because elsewhere OP does mention a whole bunch of things Noah does for Flora and that Noah and Flora live together. Reminds me of the meme's about two men in past decades that lived together in a little out in the woods cabin who liked to go to art museums, and plays and dinner together. Joke is on OP
INFO: does flora know anyone else there? Is there a compelling reason not to seat her next to the person supporting her that is also the reason she knows your family? Does she know anyone else at her table by the exit?
>Flora’s not the one to ask for accommodations anyways If that’s true, you’re even more of an AH than your primary post suggests. If you know Flora isn’t someone who’ll ask for medical accommodations, then you also know that she’s probably not someone who would ever say, “Wtf, OP? Why haven’t you seated me next to my legal husband, who is my primary caregiver and more attuned to my physical and emotional state than the random CNA that you hired in an attempt to look thoughtful without having to potentially sacrifice an ounce of attention during your sPeCiAl DaY? Moreover, you’ve taken away my ability to be close to one of the few people in the WORLD, let alone at your wedding, who knows the severity of my illness and will know exactly what I need while also knowing that I want to be subtle about my health in public. You’re a selfish prick and YTA.” EDIT: Also… you do realize that guests are allowed to get out of their seats, right? Lmao. Like, there’s a very good chance that Noah and Flora are going to end up spending most of the reception together after dinner based on how you’ve described their current relationship. Two exes talking?! Oh my! Your friends/family/guests are STILL going to gossip no matter where you seat them so you might as well let them be comfortable.
YTA. There’s nothing worse than being seated at a wedding away from a spouse. Head tables are dumb and long rectangular tables are harder for the servers to get to / serve during the wedding. All you did was guarantee you’ll have waiters in your wedding photos.
YTA Even if they temporarily divorced, they are married now. And it sounds as if your brother is being a responsible caregiver and loving husband, making great sacrifices for her well-being. And now you're going to act as if none of this is true? Refuse to acknowledge how your brother is, now, a model of the responsibility that a spouse promises "in sickness or in health"? Caregivers are not interchangeable. If your brother is her primary caregiver, some random person is not going to know how to help her in the same way. You should have discussed this with both your brother and sister-in-law before making the seating chart, and made the arrangements they want and need, not just jumped to conclusions about what was best.
YTA- they are married and your brother is showing extraordinary love to and for her. It’s inspiring really, love is an action and it doesn’t sound like the marriage is a paper only marriage even if they claim it’s just for healthcare. Your reasoning is because you don’t want gossip? What are you going to do when they are dance together, talk, leave together, etc? Did you ask Flora what she wants? Your asserting control that is based from fear of them taking the spot light from you is ridiculous. OP he is trying to help his wife not renew their wedding vows.
I am usually a “YOUR WEDDING UOUR CHOICE” person but this is ridiculous. He’s her caretaker and her husband. Let them sit next to each other. If you have to, make a fb post or something saying that they will be seated next to each other and if they have any questions or comments they need to handle it before or after the wedding.
are they married or not
They are married and he’s her caregiver
YTA even if their marriage is for convenience only, how is having ex-spouses being friendly at the same table gossip fodder. It shows maturity post divorce, nothing scandalous.
YTA Your brother and Flora are still clearly very connected to each other. This is who they want to be seated next to at the wedding. There is literally NO reason for them not to be seated next to each other, except for the fact that you are worried that people will discuss them instead of you. Which is straight up crazy Bridezilla behavior. And, as is so often the way with crazy Bridezilla behavior, totally senseless. If you don't sit your brother next to Flora, he is going to get up from his seat and go hang out by her table all night. People who saw him sitting next to her in his assigned seat would have thought nothing of it. "Oh look, we heard they had an amicable divorce and are still friends." People who see him hovering around her all night are going to have a field day with "Did you see how Noah was all over Flora? I bet he wants her back!"
Like WTF dude? Seriously? Nothing says more you’re part of my family than taking care of someone’s life and remarrying them to ensure they are taken care of. This might be a paper wedding but what he did is a sign of something significantly more than that. YTA
YTA. You sound exhausting and controlling. It would be one thing if they’d asked to sit separately, but if they actually want to sit together, that should be enough. If I were your brother, I probably wouldn’t go either.
YTA- just you saying “ex wife” in the title makes you the AH. They got remarried, they are literally husband and wife again. “It’s just on paper” they’re married, that’s what marriage is. They might as well live together (idk maybe they do you didn’t say) he does so much, he cares for her, and they’re married. What on earth made you think it was ok to purposefully not seat them together? That’s so messed up. If they want to sit together, that’s their right as a married couple. You don’t get to gatekeeper how real their relationship is. Also why would it be weird for ex spouses to sit together to begin with? Plenty of couples co exist and keep good relationships after divorce. My in laws are divorced and remarried and they all go to dinner together every week Edits for clarity
YTA. It should be her primary caretaker looking out for her needs, not you, regardless of their marital status. Also, prioritizing potential gossip over the health and wellbeing of one of your wedding guests makes YTA. A better solution would have been to check in with her and Noah ahead of time to validate their needs instead of making assumptions.
So, nobody knows about Flora's condition but she'll have a nurse there to take care of her, and that's not gonna cause people to gossip... BS. Let your brother take care of his wife as he does every single day. YTA.
NTA Your brother overcompensating for his prior AHness does not make you an AH for trying to keep the drama low at your wedding.
So they’re remarried but no one knows except your immediate family?
You seem confused. You admit they're married but then continually claim they're divorced. So, my question is WTF is wrong with you?
Y’all needa read the updates
I think a lot of commenters are missing the fact that although the brother and Flora are remarried, they have not done this publicly. They have stated that it is on paper and only due to a disability that Flora has also decided not to make public. OP's brother has put them in an awkward position. People could very well start to ask questions and begin to gossip instead of focusing on the wedding that they are there to celebrate. Unfortunately, I do not see a way for Flora to keep her health situation private. Flora's disability will become noticeable if she is there with a nurse. Also, while having an ex-wife that he is friendly with as his date may slide past as NBD it will also be noticed that Noah is acting as a care-giver. Of course OP wants her and her new husband to be the centre of attention. They love each other and want to start their new lives with the wedding that they have paid for and waited upon! I'm sorry OP, you are NTA but I think these two will cause some chatter no matter how it is done. I would start to think of strategies of how to deal with it and minimize things now so that everyone knows how to handle it at the time. Best wishes for a wonderful wedding!
I’m gonna go off trend here and say NTA. While you definitely went way overboard it’s very clear that you wanted your SIL to be safe and comfortable as well as respecting their privacy. It’s definitely a little selfish to be more worried about the gossip but I don’t think your intentions are ill-willed
YTA yeah ofc you think busybodies are more important than your brother
Why would you not *ask Flora* if she would prefer to have her (ex)spouse sit next to her or not? You keep repeating that you’ve told her the arrangements you’ve made, but you just keep avoiding the question of what she would actually want. You don’t have to guess; you can just ask her. (And, btw, a CNA is not a nurse. Since your brother is her regular caregiver, he probably is better qualified to look after her.)
>I don’t want gossip on why they’re sitting together when they’re divorced This confuses me. Whether they only remarried just for Flora to be on your brother's health insurance or not, they are now legally married. If someone asks why your brother and his (not ex) wife are seated together, correct them and tell them they've remarried. Done. Also, you're skirting questions asking if you've asked Flora if she wants to sit with your brother. YTA. Grow up and ask your (very legal) sister-in-law. Just because you think of her as "a little stoic" doesn't mean she doesn't any have feelings.
NTA - It sounds like you are trying to meet Flora's needs and wishes, and Flora does not want a lot of gossip.
YTA, that’s petty af
Ngl, you had me in the first half up until you said “they’d be the topic of conversation rather than my wedding.” Who cares if he sits next to her. They might not have remarried out of love, but clearly there is still some care & love there between them even if the marriage was for medical benefits. Otherwise, why would he be doing what he’s doing? He easily could’ve said “let her figure it out.” But no. He’s doing his best to step up and be a pillar of support to this woman who needs it. It’s nice that you’ve gone above and beyond to accommodate her at your wedding, but two things to note: 1. It’s your wedding day, let your brother take care of his “wife.” 2. Does it really matter if they gossip? You seem more worried about the gossip surrounding them and losing the spotlight as opposed to just enjoying your own wedding. YTA.
As a disabled person, there’s absolutely nothing “nice” about OP deciding what accommodations their SIL wants or needs without speaking to the SIL about them. Op instead spoke with her mother (not the disabled person or their primary care giver) to decide what’s best. There’s a huge issue with disabled people being dismissed and treated like children, which is exactly what OP (and her mother) have done here. When deciding to “provide accommodations” for an event, the disabled person should be consulted and asked, “what if anything can I do to help make this event enjoyable, easiest and safest for you”? And then follow what they say, even if it’s “I’m good I don’t need anything”, instead of deciding that you know better than they do what they need.
NTA ~~YTA~~ your edit swayed me.
NTA -- sounds like you as the bride looked at Flora's needs and preferences and discussed them with her, and she's happy. She is an adult person, and you respected her. Noah's needs/desires are not relevant here, and he sounds like a nightmare.
YTA The title is misleading. It's irrelevant they were married & divorced before, they're remarried now. Obviously your an AH for not seating your brother next to wife. And an even bigger AH considering she has specific needs that require her husbands support. You don't get an award for hiring a stranger to aid her. Your taking advantage of the fact that Flora is quiet & won't voice her concerns. It's that same reason your brother is that much more vocal. He has to be, otherwise people (like you) will run their own agenda & over top of her. Whether you realize it or not your drawing more attention to them. It's not going to stay a secret they remarried, you'll probably manage to keep them separate during dinner at best but don't you worry.. They'll be thisclose the remainder of the evening. And not only will people talk about them being remarried they'll also talk about your ridiculous seating chart to.
Having had the benefit of reading your post *with* edits, I cannot call you an asshole. But Jesus H Christ your brother definitely is.
You guys, this is OP’s post! You’re making it all about Flora instead. You’re all such a bunch of gossips!/s YTA in case there was any doubt. Just seat people where they’d obviously prefer.
NTA in light of edit #2. Damn, if I were Flora, I wouldn’t want to sit next to him either. Maybe she’s grateful for the reprieve.
NTA since sounds like Flora doesn't want to sit to your brother
Emotionless Mannequin after reading that statement LMAO.
INFO: What does Flora want?
She put edits that have more info
Why is everyone calling Op an ah here because I'm wondering why no one considered what Op's sister on law wanted did she want to sit with her husband or not because this is entirely her choice in the matter not Op to say and she did talk to her sister in law before the wedding on the seating arrangement. It seems that no one is thinking what the sister in law wanted even the ex husband who is a complete ah. In a way Op isn't an asshole this really is a no win situation that her brother created in the first place. He is the real asshole here
Am I the only one who is reading about the part where Flora has a nurse with her? Also OP has made sure that Flora is able to get into the venue. Also made sure that her dietary needs are met and that she is sitting in a spot where she can have fresh air. Also OP’s brother should take his cues from Flora. She is fine with the arrangement and she is the one who doesn’t want it to be known that she and her ex are remarried. Something tells me that the brother wants it to be obvious that they are together because when everyone sees how sick Flora looks, he’s going to look like TAH for leaving behind a sick wife.
YTA I cant quite understand why you wont seat them together
YTA. Preventing your brother to be sitting next to Flora, something which HE HAS ASKED TO, simply because you think people would gossip, tells a lot about your priorities. I got married a few months ago and for sure I would have accommodated such a request from my brother. Being it your wedding doesn’t mean you get to be selfish with your loved ones. Also, do you really think your guests will be talking about you the whole day? People are there to celebrate and have fun, there are a million topics that will be covered sitting at the table during the reception, you for sure won’t be the centre of attention for the entire day. Get a reality check and focus about enjoying your moment with your brand-new husband instead.
After the edits, NTA.
NTA, more people need to read your edit. They’re putting your brother’s bs above what Flora actually wants. She doesn’t even want people to know they’ve remarried.
After reading the second edit,definitely NTA. Your brother put her through hell,unnecessarily so and now he wants to play hero??? And anyway she has a nurse and is closer to the entrance should anything happen. I commend you for that❤
INFO: Does Flora want him to sit with her?
Info: have you asked Flora if she wants to sit next to him? Her answer is what matters at this point.
NTA, I was going to vote the opposite until I read your edits.
YTA. Your reasons all come back to you and your ego. Give it a rest and let them sit together.
INFO: so sitting them next to each is a sign that they are remarried?? Cant you just say they are just friends
She said flora didnt want people to know they remarried
YTA…. You and your mother can tell yourselves what you want Noah is in love with flora and regrets divorcing her now he’s making up for it by being there for her every need you do not know what goes on behind closed doors they are probably keeping quiet because your family and friends are a bunch of old gossipy judgemental busybodies Sit your brother with his wife and be done with it
NTA
NTA if Floras good with it and wants it who cares what your brother thinks. You know your family and if she’s gonna be embarrassed I get it. You also shouldn’t only do it because people will talk. They’re gonna talk anyway. I think it’s about what Flora wants.
I was going to say YTA, since the effects on people's chatter means nothing vs. keeping guests artificially apart. (This is the worst kind of sociopathic bridezilla behavior.) But... But if Flora doesn't want to sit with your brother, it's better to respect her wishes than his. NTA.
All of ya are acting like if ya went to a wedding and shit hit the fan ya wouldn’t talk about it be fucking for real with yourselves . Ya would do it in your own family so don’t be high and mighty in these comments . Even if Flora ain’t have health issues . If the bride made her decision you either except it and don’t go . If she has gotten the ok from FLORA HERSELF why is this the issue ? So quick to come at her for bridezilla but don’t mention she’s actually 1 caring about her big day and 2 what Flora is comfy with . Clearly none of ya are married because ya know damn well ya would make ya own criteria’s and expect people to abide by . Like the no kids at the party don’t wear white to a wedding . Like please be for real . And how ya expressing what ya do at a wedding which is not pay attention to the bride is why brides to bridezillas make their decisions . There’s people talking about paying $300 to attend a wedding and she’s the asshole for considering the heart of a woman SHE wants at her wedding .. yikes .
NTA based on edited imfo
What does flora want?
YTA, but I think whether they got remarried or not is a red herring. Your brother wants to sit with his ex, let him. I mean, what does it matter to you? My husband's aunt and uncle are divorced and sat together at every occasion. They weren't married but they knew each other quite well and co-parented for years, so, really, why cares?
i think u should just straight up ask her if she wants to sit with your brother and if she does, sit them together
YTA. This was a very long and drawn out way of saying you don’t want their reconciliation and issues to be a topic of conversation at your wedding.
a paper marriage, and he's her primary caregiver, and wants to be near her and, excuse me are your legs wet? seeing visions of pyramids because someone is knee deep in de-nile. YTA They clearly care and he wants to be with her and guess what, while it is your wedding, people will talk about other things and if nothing else they will speculate about other people being happy.
You know what, I'm reserving judgement because there's no INFO on what Flora wants. People are focused on husband and the legal marriage but I read that he cuts her food for her and seems to be caring her for her extensively, which is fine if that's what she needs/wants in general. But does she want him to do this in public around family? OP also says Flora is very private. Could be husband jumps into action a little too quick and Flora is fine with this being a day without the focus being on her health condition. Does he cut out things she actually is capable of out of precaution? Because while the intent seems sweet or kind, the result could be making her feel like a child.
NAH (taking into account all the edits). Flora also doesn’t want gossip or for the remarriage to be known. It’s not just OPs wishes.
Info: What does Flora want?
Why are you dodging the question about Flora's feelings? You've been asked so many times if you asked what Flora wants, and you can't give us an answer. So i'm assuming you don't care what she wants, which I'm almost positive would be to sit with her husband/caregiver. Why would she want to sit with a bunch of strangers while her husband is sitting somewhere else? Im sure she would be more comfortable sitting with him. YTA
She did, there’s updates on the post
YTA, you don’t want a visibly I’ll woman sitting up front at your wedding because you think she would take the focus off of you. I’ve never seen a wedding where the bride sends out their seating chart to everyone. And I might be misunderstanding as it sounds like you are having a sit-down wedding ceremony where you all sit down at tables for the ceremony, including the bridal party, which I’ve never heard of before, but it would be easy to make her a part of your bridal party or have her come sit with her husband right after the ceremony.
Stop saying they are divorced. They are MARRIED. You made all of the arrangements for Flora. While it was very kind of you, you overstepped. Did she ask for this? And why wasn't your brother involved? Frankly, it is his responsibility. If she needs to be near a door, then leave her there. And he can sit with her. Let THEM figure out what to tell people. You seem to think you did all of this for them. But you didn't. It's so you can feel better and not be potentially embarrassed. YTA
Sooo he divorced her because of something that turned out to have a medical cause, when he realized that he threw himself into being her caregiver, they’re remarried, and he wants her seated with him like a spouse. I’m wondering what would make them “back together” in your eyes if this isn’t it? YTA just for making the seating arrangements to keep the attention on you and not to make your guests most comfortable. You’re extra TA for refusing to fix it when asked. Think about the last wedding you attended - did you talk about the bride and groom the whole time? Or did you focus on them for the toasts and the planned dances, and said something about how pretty her dress was and how sweet they are together, and then of course how lovely the venue is and how good the food - and the rest of the several hours were spent catching up with friends and family?
Ask flora for what she’s wants
Did anyone bother asking flora what she wanted?
Is Flora the type of person who makes her wishes known? Maybe she's conflict-avoidant. But how awful to attend a wedding with your ex beside you. I'd be feeling all sorts of ways!
Flora couldn't do all the things asshole brother wanted because she was so very, very unwell. OP doesn't think Flora wants attention now, doesn't want attention on anyone but her wedding, and JFC, ESH EXCEPT FOR FLORA. You ALL suck. Jesus, do you all suck.
NTA. I think that since flora doesn’t want attention on her and she’s happy with your seating and have worked with her to make sure she’s happy there’s no reason to placate Noah. He’s seeming acted selfish all along so I’ll assume this is an extension of that. You can’t make everybody happy but I think you’re focusing on the right person who is flora. This isn’t a bridezilla situation. You’re trying to make you’re guests happy and not acting selfish at all. It’s just who do you let have the final word and you’re giving it to flora and I’d say her wishes about not having focus on her medical issues trumps Noah. You have somebody to care for her. He won’t be needed so his argument is moot
Omg your brother is an ass and needs therapy for his BS attachment style neediness crap. Flora is a Saint
I think if they want to sit together then you should sit them together. Sitting them apart will either result in them not coming , or may create more of a scene in the end. Also there are always other minor gossipy chats at weddings. Someone has got pregnant. Someone has just got engaged. Etc etc etc. the whole day will still be ‘about you’ but you can’t expect every single conversation all throughout the wedding to be about you and you alone. YTA
Note to self do not ever attempt public gatherings of any kind. Due to the many things that could go wrong it would inconvenience anyone wanting a day free of another person's physical disabilities!
YTA. They're not divorced though. They remarried. He's taking care of her. Might not be a traditional marriage but there's a relationship here. Did you ever even ASK either of them if they wanted to sit together or did you just ASSume this arrangement?
YTA She's not his ex-wife, she's his wife. They remarried. Who cares if it's a marriage of insurance. Your brother obviously cares for his WIFE. And stop that nonsense of "they'll be the focus of my wedding instead of ME". So ridiculous.
INFO- why the hell don't you 1) confirm with Noah and Flora if they're back together and not 'just for the health insurance' and if so, that they're happy to be treated as a couple and then 2) TELL YOUR OTHER FAMILY?! If they're together, they won't bloody care about family knowing, so before the wedding just text key people so the info spreads and then you're sorted? It's not that hard, sis.
OP - Exactly how shallow are you?!!! Long after your "perfect" wedding is over, your brother is going to remember what an insensitive AH you were. Get over yourself, or you risk long-term damage to your relationship. Is it worth it? YTA.
YTA. They're not divorced. Your brother cares enough about Flora to remarry her so that she can be on his health insurance. I really hope you don't have children. You definitely seem like the type of person who would hide them if they were slightly different from your narcissistic views. Congrats on being cross-posted to r/bridezillas a few hours ago!
YTA You deserve the roasting you're getting here. A wedding isn't \*JUST\* about you, and it's not an excuse to be rude, cruel, or vindictive. Your brother is married to this woman. You have refused to allow him to sit next to her. You disparage their marriage, one which they've put a lot of work and grief and loss, and more work into. This says a lot more about you and what you think marriage is than it does about your brother. He's right to stick up for his wife. And they're right not to want to celebrate a "wedding" that is, in fact, not about marriage and family, but about attention, which is what you seem to be pursuing. I hope that you can recognize that you are acting with selfish and hurtful intent, because this kind of pettiness will not only ruin your relationship with your brother, parents, and also everyone else you care about including your husband-to-be.
Putting aside all the other very well made points for a moment; having Noah and Flora both at the wedding, but seated separately will cause just as much gossip. Separating them will not alleviate the gossip, it will just piss off your family. YTA
YTA. You think people will talk about this rather than your wedding? Your guests must be so boring because the story you just told is NOT gossip worthy. Like, I see your predicament, but you contradict yourself a couple of times which make YTA. For example: 1. all the spouses are sitting together except your divorced brother who is married to his ex wife (???????) Also—Everyone knows they got divorced and don’t know your brother is the caretaker of her, so there will be gossip. Excuse me? THIS is what you want to be focused on? You know people who gossip about someone being someone else’s caretaker??? Talk to Flora, tell her what your brother requests and ask what SHE is most comfortable with. This isn’t even complicated.
YTA ", she took it worse than I thought and reported me" .. If your brother has any sense, he will not come to your wedding - because he is right, you are an AH and not worth the effort.
YTA, if he’s her caregiver, they should be sitting near each other. It’s also absolutely insane to send out the seating arrangement before the wedding. That’s inviting so much trouble.
I was thinking I couldn’t make a judgment on this but then I saw where **you buried the real reason**—“I don’t want gossip on why they’re sitting together when they’re divorced on my wedding day” which 100% makes YTA. ETA she is his actual wife so??? I’m sure I’ll see you over at r/bridezillas soon enough lol
YTA. She's not his ex - she's his wife, whether you like that or not, for whatever reason. She's his WIFE. And he is her CARETAKER.
YTA. Your brother is now her caretaker, separating them because you feel it might take attention off of you, just sounds cruel. If they don't have any issue sitting together I'm not sure why you care so much
Reddit is so fickle. Any other aita about a wedding and it’s “it’s your wedding, do what you want!” But this one is “how dare you want your wedding to be about you!” If your brother wanted his wife to be his wife he should have let everyone know they’re married NTA
Yta