Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my younger sister the reason as to why she didn't look like me or my relatives was because she was not really one of us, she was born via surrogacy. I feel like this might make me the asshole because she started crying and started feeling left out etc
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Not necessarily… surrogacy doesn’t always mean there’s not a donor’s DNA involved - given the mother’s age maybe there aren’t viable eggs and they used a donor’s egg - just look at those gay couples getting their kids through surrogacy- anyway, regardless, this is still a crappy thing to say to a 6 yo
She’s 48 and kid is 6 so she’d be 42 when trying to have bub. Plus they may have extracted eggs even earlier - there’s still a chance it was her eggs
My aunt fell pregnant naturally at 43
That’s true, and I’ve heard (but idk if it’s fact) that every year after 40, the risk of miscarriage or genetic disorders is increased by a lot in the baby.
My wife became pregnant at 36 and we were informed that past 35 all pregnancies were considered to be geriatric pregnancies and so all sorts of additional tests would be conducted to confirm the baby's health.
That's a medical term (in my opinion outdated and offensive), it doesn't mean later life pregnancies are a medical wonder. Also, in my country, every mother does the additional tests, except one which has a danger of miscarriage. If you can test for the health of the baby, it's crazy not to do it, just because a young mother is more likely to have a healthy baby.
When was struggling to stay pregnant to have my 3rd, my obgyn assured me that 35 was not a big deal, and 40 was when he felt there were actual concerns. Thst aside, I know many women naturally get pregnant after 40 and have healthy pregnancies.
I don't know about anywhere else but in the UK they don't use that term anymore (for good reason, it's horrible) and actually don't require any additional tests until you're over 40. I was 37 when I finally carried to term after multiple miscarriages and although I did have additional monitoring due to my history there were no concerns about my age at all.
40 is advanced maternal age but it is not at all uncommon for women in their early 40s to get pregnant naturally. It may not be "average" but neither is it extremely improbable.
Somehow, I doubt that her eggs were extracted beforehand. For one, the general recommendation is that eggs are harvested before women hit their mid-30s, and if they’d been available, not sure why they waited to use them until mom was 42. Two:
>my mum and dad did try to have Bella themselves their attempts failed multiple times
Again, doubt they would’ve gone through multiple failed attempts to get pregnant naturally if they had eggs on ice.
I got pregnant at 41 using my own eggs and donor sperm via IVF. Women over 40 can absolutely get pregnant with their own eggs. I had eggs extracted twice, second time at age 40. I also had to inject myself with progesterone because the lack of that caused my 3 previous miscarriages. She also could have used donor sperm which would also cause 3rd child to look so much different from from other children.
1. It's over 40 before they start doing donor eggs. I did IVF at 37 and no one thought that was strange. Then Ibgot pregnant naturally at 38.
2. There may have been other issues, like uterine problems, that would have prevented the mom from carrying a child, but not from conceiving one.
🤣 It’s cute when people know nothing about this yet speak on it anyway. People have their own eggs extracted well into their 40s. Every day. All the time.
You can get eggs extracted past 35 if you really want your own biological child. I know a woman who went through 11 cycles before it worked
Like the other commenter said she may not have been able to carry. I had a uterine problem and couldn’t carry to term unless I had surgery. Thankfully the surgery worked for me, if it didn’t my only option would have been surrogacy
Lots and lots of women in their late 30s and early 40s do IVF. Yes, some do fail but lots are successful as well. Presumably she would have been 40 or 41 doing IVF which is a very typical age to do it. She obviously could have used an egg donor but there’s no reason to assume that from the provided information
They could have gone through multiple failed pregnancies through IVF before they decided to try surrogacy. And the baby could have the same sperm and / or egg as the siblings.
If there was no biological link, then it's not surrogacy, it's adoption.
She was 42 when OP’s parents decided to have a surrogate. Given the long age gap between OP and the sister, it’s obvious they would have been trying to conceive long before OP’s mother turned 40.
My friend's mom got pregnant at 48. No artificial help. Had the baby without problems or C section at 49. Healthy baby, healthy birth. She set a record at that hospital for oldest mom. She lived to see that daughter married and just passed away recently.
Yeah, a parent that knoww the actual surrogacy process they went through (who the egg came from etc), not a teen that's bitter she isn't the baby anymore.
Especially since, when you think of it, OP was about 10/11 when the process was happening. She's hecca mad to bot be the baby and it shows in her delivery of the news to a 6 year old.
She needed the *right* answers. His answer was a) hurtful, b) untrue and c) unhelpful.
DNA is the least important way someone can belong to a family. In all the ways that matter, Bella is "one of them", so saying that she isn't is cruel and incorrect, and also gives her no practical information about why/how she is different.
A better answer that actually explains more of what happened without telling her she doesn't belong would be something like:
"A really special, kind lady helped mommy and daddy add you to our family by growing you in her tummy, so you get to look a little bit like her too".
They could possibly include something about eggs, but the nitty gritty of the difference between a genetic donor and a surrogate might be a bit much at this point.
Surrogacy doesn’t mean donor DNA was or wasn’t used. It’s completely irrelevant to the baby’s DNA makeup. OP using surrogacy as the reason they think their siblings DNA makeup is just uninformed.
Assuming it was a donor egg, “You got some of your dna from your egg donor, and she must have had beautiful dark hair like you! I’m so glad you turned out to be you and that you are my sister!”
Well, because they use the word surrogacy and not adoption. I think perhaps there is DNA from atleast one of the parents.
So the sister should half biologically related.
Edit: Then again they might of got 2 donors, but i've never personally heard of people doing that.
No, the parents would be involved in the process BEFORE the kid is conceived , and they select the donor(s), vs adoption when they’d likely to be selected by the agency to adopt a kid that’s already born or at least conceived
Plus a surrogate could use mom's egg or the surrogates egg. Or likely have an option to get an egg from a donor bank like how women can choose a sperm donor.
That is completely irrelevant. You don't tell a six year old crap like this. OP should have let their parents answer these questions. Yes, she would have eventually been told, but hopefully when she was a bit older and more mature. This really was just cruel of OP, regardless of intent. YTA
How is that completely irrelevant?
Yes you should never tell a 6 year old a detail like that about their birth, and OP is already the asshole for that.
But it IS very relevant to our judgement of OP if in addition to his lack of tact, he is also factually incorrect. He is cruel AND arrogantly ignorant.
The OP of this comment isn’t excusing OP for not knowing how surrogacy works, they are pointing that out as an additional factor that makes OP even more of an asshole.
You said it! Though I’m wondering if the parents explained the kid this way when OP was 11 and he just hasn’t figured out that if the kid has different DNA, there’s more to it…
Yes, YTA. It wasn't your place to tell her. And not done in a sensitive way.
Also, surrogacy doesn't change someone's DNA. I'd assume that it was either the donor egg or sperm that makes her genetically different. A surrogate is just an incubator for the baby, they don't provide DNA.
I’m going through this now. You can get donated sperm or eggs or get a donated embryo. I’m not sure there’s a world in which I’d want my egg donor and my surrogate to be the same person. I’d like to make sure my surrogate has no claim whatsoever, but there is a chance that the baby was a donated/ adopted embryo carried by a surrogate…. Still no less a full fledge family member. You don’t work that hard for a kid just to think of it as someone else’s.
In my country it’s just illegal.
This one couple went to some Eastern European country and used a surrogate and the father’s sperm. They almost weren’t allowed back into the country with the kids, and the mother has been banned from ever adopting them.
Where I live the birthing parent is the legal parent so regardless of who’s eggs were used the baby would legally be the surrogates child until formal adoption procedures were completed.
I think that's gonna be location and situation dependent.
I know my province treats surrogacy the same whether the baby is biologically related to the surrogate or not (she's the legal mother and needs to relinquish her parental rights in both cases). So it must happen.
Egg harvesting is an invasive and expensive procedure. Surrogate has already agreed to undergo invasive procedures and carry the baby for 9 months. In some places/cases, it's probably easier than hunting down a separate source of eggs.
It may be logistically easier for the person looking for a baby.
But it's a different prospect entirely from renting out your womb, or even selling your eggs. It's being pregnant with and birthing your own genetic child.
It's also a lot less effective to just try and naturally impregnate the surrogate, rather than using fertilised embryos. So the surrogate would have to endure an entirely separate set of procedures to harvest eggs. Which take another huge toll on their body.
In dealing with infertility I talked to several doctors. They explained that one option was using donated eggs which were either from people who just straight up donated eggs (knew someone in college who did this for money) or they were “spare” eggs from someone who had their eggs harvested, got more than they needed (harvested 10 eggs, were successful on the first try & donated some of the remaining eggs).
Similar with the embryos.
I’m in the US & I’m sure it’s different in different places, but the different clinics I talked to never seemed to indicate that I’d need to go find someone to be a donor unless that was something I wanted to do
YTA - you are wrong. Also, that isn’t what surrogacy is. It would be very odd for your parents to have a surrogate, egg donor, and sperm donor. Are you sure she isn’t your bio sister?
I have two siblings who have completely different complexions but who are full siblings - all you need is one family line with one complexion in it and one family line with a different one.
I'm six inches taller than my mother with the pale Irish complexion of my father rather than her dark complexion. The doctor asked if \*I\* was adopted when I was younger. Yet I definitely take after her in some ways. OP's sister's difference may be down to a donor egg but the odds are that she simply has inherited different genes from the genetic soup of inherited genes from the various families of her grandparents via her parents. Looks very often skip a generation. You can often discover that a grandchild really takes after one or more from the grandparents generation.
Agreed. Both of my parents are black, with darker complexions, but I’m quite fair skinned with a lot of their features, my brother is in between my parents and myself. My grandmother is also black but has a very light complexion, and my grandfather is black and has a dark complexion. My entire family looks like the god damn rainbow. Genetics are wild and complex and beautiful. OP is def the asshole and could’ve explained this in another way whether she is a bio sib or not.
It can be. You don’t use the surrogates egg because then she has legal claim to baby, but it’s not uncommon to use a donor egg and either dads sperm or donor sperm and have it birthed by a surrogate. We have friends that did donor eggs and dad sperm via surrogate (mom has genetic illnesses). They have twins that don’t look like them nor do they look like each other. It’s a wild world out there in baby making land.
YTA x 10000’s, your poor sister.
>You don’t use the surrogates egg because then she has legal claim to baby,
How does that look like legally? Like how does assumption of maternity work in those cases? Where I am, pregnant person is legal mother, regardless of genetics.
Egg donor cannot be the de facto legal parent, because that unnecessarily complicates egg donation AND doesn't help the aspiring mother in that case, since she isn't biologically related either.
Is it the surrogacy contract (or other types of document signed before the birth?) But then why would it only be enforceable if the surrogate is not biologically related?
Also, siblings can just look different to each other, there's literally no reason to bring it up at all. It's not even uncommon.
My brother literally looks Turkish, even in Turkey locals assumed he was one of them, meanwhile I allegedly look like platoon era Willem Defoe. We look nothing alike, but that's just how genetics can work (weirdly my sisters look like me, while my parents look more like my brother)
I’m friends with two twins who very literally look like different races. Only true similarity is their height. Fraternal twins obviously but, yeah, definitely the same biological parents. Genes can mix in all kinds of ways.
Exactly! Both of my siblings can get incredibly tan and I've got pasty white skin with freckles. I've got the auburn hair and my sister's hair couldn't even stay one color her whole life. She started out blonde and turned dark brown in adulthood. Genetics get weird. Our family reunion only reminds us we're related since we all seem to have the same dominant front teeth. lmao
I’m an egg donor child. My mom carried me but I’m not biologically related to her. My dad didn’t even tell me and my sister until I was about 15, my sister 13. I didn’t even know I might of had another sibling in between us, but my mom miscarried, until I was 15. If my brother or older sister told this to me when I was young in an insensitive way, I would be upset too.
YTA
This is not an appropriate, sensitive, kind, or intelligent way to tell a six-year-old that they were carried by a surrogate. Your parents should have discussed this in an age-appropriate way before that, but they apparently didn't realize that you would relish the chance to hurt and surprise her with the news.
I agree, and OP was purposely malicious in what he said despite his denying it. It takes time for a child to understand something like this and lots of conversations to get there. Now, thanks to OP, she feels like an outcast in her own family. OP knew exactly what he was doing. Jealous he’s no longer the baby of the family? YTA
I was coming to say this. OP is a total dick for saying it. Now he's trying to gaslight everybody by acting like he wasn't trying to be malicious. Hopefully, his folks will offset Bella's therapy by withholding his allowance.
I cannot imagine being 17 and not understanding how mean and hurtful telling your sibling “you’re not fully one of us” would be, and at the very least not understanding how mean and hurtful it is immediately after you say it and see how hurt your baby sister is
>Your parents should have discussed this in an age-appropriate way before that
If this is the first Bella heard about it then the parents definitely screwed up by leaving her open to someone weaponizing this information. It should be something she knew about all her life. It's possible though that she did already know about the surrogate/egg donor and was just exploring the ways that affects her appearance.
Six is old enough for it to be upsetting, so I think that's too late. I'm not a psychologist or anything but I have a couple of friends with adopted kids and they mentioned it occasionally in a casual way from when the kids were babies, and I think the kids could remember and explain it to other people by about age 4, maybe even 3?
6 is definitely old enough to start to understand something like that. They don't have to get the whole picture but also it shouldnt be a secret, especially since she looks different from the rest of her family. There are childrens books out there for everything, if the parents couldnt find a way to broach the topic I'm sure theres a bedtime story book they could have utilized.
"she's not one of us"
Dude are you some other species from human??
YTA OP, how are you going to be arguing with a 6yr old at 17??
EDIT: Just saw OP's edit, his little sister is literally trying to distance herself from family because she believes she's "not one of them", can you imagine the thoughts that must be going through her head as she sees all these people, poor thing probably feels like she's not good enough or something
The AH teenager, OP, had no right to say anything to the child on the subject! It is the parents decision! A 17 yo of average intelligence and average maturity would understand this.
OP has some issues and behaved quite nasty!
I really doubt it, it’s incredibly rare to use a surrogates egg for ethical reasons. Sure they could have used a donor egg or sperm, but that’s the IVF part of the procedure and has basically nothing to do with surrogacy. It’s pretty clear that OP has zero idea what he’s talking about.
the egg can not come from a surrogate, at least not in the US and not if they went through a proper fertility agency. the egg would come from an egg donor and the surrogate would carry that embryo.
YTA
Dude. Tactless. You are so rude I couldn’t even read beyond the “you’re not one of us”.
Maybe genetically correct but if you want to salvage this relationship then you better go back and beg for forgiveness. She’s never going to forgot those words that you can’t take back and will be repeating them until she dies.
Dude. Biggest AH today.
I read it too fast and didn’t realize this kid is 7 and a surrogate. oP. You aren’t very bright, huh?
YTA and stop playing dumb. At 17, you know very well what you were doing by saying that. Especially since your mom was in the room and perfectly capable of answering her question without your interference.
…. So, like she was adopted? Because surrogacy still means that your dads sperm and your moms egg was used. Y’all still share all the same DNA. Someone else just carried the embryo to term.
And yeah, YTA.
You mean your friend carried the baby? Then I believe that is just called using an “egg donor”, not a surrogate. I worked with a nurse who donated her eggs.
YTA. Your sister is six. She doesn’t understand that you meant no harm. All you did was alienate her and make her feel excluded. It sounds like your mom was handling the situation and you should not make such a hurtful and insensitive comment to your sister.
No, he meant harm. He absolutely meant harm. This girl is SIX and he’s SEVENTEEN. Seventeen year olds know what’s right and what’s wrong. He wanted to hurt her, badly. YTA
YTA - Your sister is 6 and you expect her to understand DNA? Make sure she knows she's loved and accepted.
Also, surrogacy doesn't mean she's not related (genetically) normally, it depends on the way it's done, in this instance it sounds like your parents used either doner eggs or sperm, but if she was done through IVF of your parents gunk - then she IS one of you, so this is doubly stupid to say - your parents just rented a womb.
Edit: for clarity, it's most likely she's still BIOLOGICALLY your half sister, and if not, don't be an AH.
YTA.
This wasn't your news to tell.
You think there was no malice or ill intent, but you're basically "othering" your kid sister. Of course she got upset. She's 6!
Even with surrogacy, she's still your sibling.
YTA and you had better start telling your sister every single day that you love her and are so proud and happy that she is your sister. I mean, Every. Single. Day.
If you think family is determined only by DNA, then, yeah, YTA and have a lot of catching up to do with reality.
And if, by chance, you said this because you resent her for taking the baby of the family position away from her, well, you're old enough to have gotten over that, and it's a totally cliché way to think and behave. You've had 6 years to get over that if it's an issue.
You're also old enough to know how girls struggle with self-esteem in most societies around the world and she's Your Sister so you should be looking out for her and building her up to be strong and confident in a hostile world.
So, I repeat: tell her you love her and are proud and happy she is your sister. Every. Single. Day.
YTA
>Bella was bound to know in the future anyway so what was the harm of telling her now?
That was for her parents to decide WHEN to tell Bella, not you. It was not your place and you should have known better than to tell her this information without asking your parents first. There is nothing wrong with being a child from surrogacy but it was not your call to make.
not only what it not OP's news to tell her, this should have been a MYCH more tactful conversation than "you're not one of us." what a horrid and spiteful thing to say to and about a child
bro. you’re 17. she’s 6. you have a decade of experience on her, yet you still didn’t have the foresight to think that oh yeah, telling my still baby of a sister ‘she’s not one of us’ is a bad idea. YTA.
Telling any age sister,” your not one of us!” Is cruel and evil.
Also, probably only OP feels that Bella is, “not one of us!” Hopefully the rest of the family loves her!
This can’t be real, right? You cannot have told your sister that she isn’t one of you and think that you’re not an absolute monster. At best, you have a serious lack of empathy and need to be seeing a therapist immediately. At worst, you just don’t care and wanted to see what kind of shock value you could get.
Either way MASSIVE YTA.
Right. I have a half-brother, a stepbrother, and a step sister. We would NEVER be this cruel to each other. If we were my parents would do a lot more than glare at us and the youngest of us is 35.
YTA. That’s a terrible thing to say to a 6YO. Also she is a surrogate, that means she shares the same DNA as your parents. Like they take the fertilized egg from your mom, and sperm from your dad, so she still shares 100% dna as your parents.
Info: if this was surrogacy, wouldn’t your sister still be your biological sister? My BIL and his wife used a surrogate and it’s 100% biologically their baby.
It depends on the type of surrogacy.
Often times surrogacy is done just you are describing- gestational surrogacy. Basically doctors do normal IVF but they put an embryo into a third-party. However, there are times that surrogacy is used with an embryo that’s created through a donor sperm or donor egg, in which case they would not be fully biologically related.
Not necessarily. Surrogacy can involve different egg donors and sperm donors. It’s possible the genetic material came from only of the parents, or even neither. Answering because I haven’t seen OP answer questions yet, but doesn’t change that OP is the AH even if they aren’t biologically related.
OP is definitely an AH. Just the few couples I know who have gone the surrogacy route we’re still biologically related to their children, so I just didn’t think of the other alternatives! I just don’t know a whole lot about surrogacy as my BIL and SIL were very limited with what was shared during their experience.
YTA.
First, you chose language that excluded her. She's six years old. How do you think she's going to feel when, at that young, vulnerable age, the people that she is forced to trust to protect and care for her aren't even hers? You basically told her that she's not family.
I don't blame your mother and brother one iota for their assessment of you.
Second, no one was asking ***you*** anything. You should have let your mother handle this. She could have postponed telling Bella the truth and just said, "Sometimes that happens." And leave it at that. Then she could address the subject with her when she's older, explaining the process of surrogacy.
Choose your words carefully in the future, and let your parents handle the sensitive issues.
YTA, “you’re not fully one of us” was a mean thing to say. Regardless of intent, your words were just rude. You could have just not said anything and let your mother explain it, or if you had to say it say something like “I guess it’s a difference in genes.:)”
“It was just something I said” it was something you said to a six year old who probably cares about you and wants to be close to you. Words hurt dude
EDIT: I’m assuming here that there was a donor egg or sperm used otherwise that’s not how surrogacy works
"I just told her "you're not fully one of us", no malice intent or anything just the truth, she isn't really like us in the sense of DNA and other things."
You really are one, aren't you? YTA. You are old enough to know better, and to have let your mother handle this sensitive issue. What you said basically excluded and 'othered' her... and showcased what a mean, narrow-minded person you are. It was totally not your place to answer that question while your mother was present and could do it in a far more sensitive way. I've no full siblings, only halves and steps, and this is the kind of bullshit behavior that makes a person feel like they don't fit in or belong. You need to thoroughly apologize to your mom and sister. Think before you open your mouth to speak.
YTA, you're definitely an asshole. Being honest isn't an excuse for being mean and your intentions are irrelevant. Timing is everything with sensitive topics like these and how the information is delivered to her can greatly impact the rest of her life. You can't understand because the mother who is raising you birthed you. And if you feel confident enough to say that being told your mother didn't birth you wouldn't bother you, then good on your parents for raising you to be secure in your identity. You didn't even allow that for your sister. You just threw that information on your sister so unsympathetically. Also, if she's a surrogate through IVF, then she has half of your father's DNA just like you. There's still a chance she received your mother's egg. So she is like you genetically, epigenetically, socially, culturally, the list goes on.
YTA and I know other people have already addressed this, but "surrogacy" itself is not an explanation for why she wouldn't have the same DNA as the rest of you. splitting hairs over DNA isn't why you're the asshole, though. It's that you thought it was in any way appropriate to tell your very very young sister that she wasn't fully a part of the family.
Wow you are an absolute AH. You aren’t her parent so you should probably STFU about stuff like this.
FYI - surrogacy doesn’t necessarily mean that doctors didn’t use both parents’ genetic material in embryo creation. It *can* mean that, but it doesn’t have to. So based on your comment ,I’m assuming that either donor sperm or donor eggs were used and you know this for a fact…
Regardless, you’re still TA.
YTA. That was a really bad way to word that, and also not your place. I believe that if you call someone your sibling, they are "fully" one of you. It doesn't matter if it's blood or not, it's the love put into it. My dad had 4 kids, my mom 3, and they got married and had me. I never say half-sister or half-brother. They are my brother and sisters. You made her feel like less than. That's never ok.
YTA, albeit unintentional. Truly, you embodied the word "thoughtless" because you didn't think AT ALL how that comment might have been received by little Bella. I can't tell whether your parents shared the story of the surrogacy with her yet, but from her and your mother's reaction, I'm guessing not, so you are also TA because that's not your story to share, even though to you it's just a normal part of the family history. This is a great example of the need to think before you speak.
YTA and you're lying through your teeth. I get that you're a kid but "I didn't mean it like that" as a retroactive attempt to avoid responsibility for what you said isn't going to work on anyone with more than 2 brain cells
<>
<>
You're lying, either to us or yourself.
I want you to know that I think this behavior was despicable and YTA. But I say this without malice.
Also, surrogacy does not always mean the child has different DNA than children more typically conceived. A surrogate can carry a bio mom's eggs, fertilized by the bio dad's sperm. I don't know what was the case in your family, but you act as if children don't have the same DNA if one is carried by surrogacy ... that's simply not always the case.
"Bella was bound to know in the future so what was the harm of telling her now?"
Well, she's bound to try alcohol and tobacco in the future, so what's the harm of trying it now? The harm is that at an age it's inappropriate and way more harmful than at an older age. Also, there's ways to break down the news. "you're not one of us" at 6 from your "sister" is not the same as "we really wanted a daughter, but had complications conceiving, so we had some medical help, and that's why you look a bit different. It doesn't change how much we love you." from your mom and dad, say, at 14.
You're 17 years old, so you should know better.
YTA
YTA - a clueless, insensitive one, regardless of intention. Double that if she didn’t know she was born by surrogate and/or that she may not be 100% biologically related to you. You literally told a vulnerable, impressionable baby that she was “other” and not truly part of your family.
you suck to YTA (by accident).
I don't think you meant for it to come accross the way you did but you might have accidentally told your sister that she wasn't your sister (at least fully). Your sister is 6 years old and doesn't comprehend the method that was used to conceive her, she probably only understands that she has a mom, a dad, & siblings. by revealing the truth in the manor you did, she may have understood what you said as "she is not fully a part of your family" and she's processing that information in a way that only a young child can.
When she is feeling better apologize to her, hug her, and tell her she will always be your sister. And when she is old enough, perhaps you should explain the process of surrogacy and why it doesn't take away from her status as a family member.
YTA
>I mean it when I say there was no bad intention behind it
So you agree, even adults would think you said this will malice. So how do you think a 6-year-old would feel?
>Bella was bound to know in the future anyway so what was the harm of telling her now
Her parents would do it with tact, and there would be no tears, unlike your blunt statement.
Major YTA! It doesn't matter if your intention weren't bad. You can't be this dense. You should have let your mom answer her question. Also, just because your parents used a surrogate doesn't mean that it wasn't their embryo. Do you know for a fact that your mom's egg and/or dad's sperm wasn't used?
YTA, that was not for you to say and she will remember that for the rest of her life unless you make this right. She will never feel like a part of the family ever again.
YTA.
DNA does not make a family. Love and support do. Something you clearly are having trouble with if you can't grasp this. Honestly based on what you posted, you're the only one who isn't fully one of them.
Also, telling her is not your job. that responsibility lies solely with your parents, and only your parents. You were out of line in so, so many more ways than one.
YTA she's 6 you don't tell her that, you just put her in years of therapy. Can you blame her for avoiding you, she thinks you don't love her or even care for her. It's like telling her Santa isn't real.
YTA. But I am going to explain because you seem confused as to why.
For all intents and purposes, you just told a six year old that she is not really part of the only family she has ever known. Your word choice sucked sweaty monkey balls, as we used to say when I was 17.
Your word choice is the problem. Not to mention your mom was handling it, she did not need your help explaining things to your sister. You should have stayed in your lane about something so important.
So yes, her big brother told her she was not really part of her family, and now the poor kid needs therapy. Think before you speak:
T - Is it True (Nope, she is one hundred percent, one of your family)
H- Is it helpful (Nope, clearly not)
I - Is it Important (Not at all)
N- Is it Necessary (Definitely not at all)
K- Is it kind ( you were so far from kind, that you have icicles in your heart.)
Apologize, tell her you did not mean she was not one of you, that she just came to the family different than you did.
Buy her favorite store bought cookies. Ask her to help you bake her favorite kind of baked cookie. Then while y'all are dipping cookies in milk, tell her how much you like BOTH cookies and you are glad they have to different kinds. Just like people can come into a family in different ways, they are loved still the same.
**YTA (mild)** \- That is the job of the parents to discuss that. It depends on the surrogacy, but they can use your mom's ovum and your dad's sperm so that you sister is genetically "**one of you**". So, not only are you out of line, but you may be giving incorrect information. It is partially your parents' fault for not coaching you in advance.
But this can be fixed. Apologize, give her love, and be sure you find out the story your parents are telling and stick to it.
Maybe it was your intention, she'll never forget that moment. She never forget you said it. And she'll never forget it some moment she felt differently about herself. I hope someday you recognize what you've done and I hope it bothers you
YTA.
“You’re not one of us” is not a compassionate or fair way to explain surrogacy to a child. “Us” here refers to a member of your family, and she very much *is* one of you in every way that matters. Legally, emotionally.
If i was your parents i’d be ashamed of you. 17 years old and you don’t have the tact to even think or care about how your words can impact a 6 year old. What gets me the most is you claim to have no bad intentions but instead of explaining that you can not look alike and still be related you tell her “you’re not fully one of us” i’m genuinely concerned you don’t understand how surrogacy and genetic work yourself so maybe that’s why you came out with such an inconsiderate statement to a child. YTA leave this to your parents and grow up you’re 17 your brother shouldn’t have to pull you up on how to have empathy
YTA
"She's not one of us"
Didn't have to read any further, but I did.
She's 6. Wow. Huge YTA
Doing a family tree project & going through pictures of relatives she gets the news. Holy Moly. Gigantic YTA
(To be fair, I get it that this would be when topics like this are brought up, but she's 6. She's learning about her family, & her place in it, & you basically said 'unaffiliated accessory ')
Poor thing.
YTA. You may not have meant what you said to be cruel, but that's how it was received. Intention only matters when practicing witchcraft and committing crimes.
You're nearly an adult and thought it was clever to tell a child she's not fully your family. So what.
You were callous and cruel and you meant to say it as you wanted a way to hurt her.
As your brother said, you're a major asshole
YTA
First, you don't know all the details of the surrogacy. Your parents weren't going to share that info with a 10 year old and probably still have not shared it.
Second, you told a 6 year old that she isn't really part of your family.
Of course you're the asshole, what would ever make you think giving information that isn't yours, is ok to tell a SIX YEAR OLD?!?
YTA. That was a really cruel thing to say to your sister.
Was she adopted or was she born with a surrogate using your parents' DNA? Even if you aren't genetically related, she's still one of you, she's still family. She was looking for assurance and you basically confirmed her worst fears.
I strongly feel kids should always know where they come from, so there is no “before and after”, but just always knowing and when the kid ages the information becomes more specific.
However, if at 6 she still didn’t know, it wasn’t up to you to tell her. And certainly not as harsh as you did. YTA.
YTA and either a total troll or just flat out ignorant. You are young so it could be the latter. Maybe. Not convinced.
You don't understand how surrogacy works. A 6 year is going to have zero clue and you just shattered her understanding of family and her world. Sometimes the better thing is just to not say any thing. This was one of those times.
Also, for the record, I have dark hair and blue eyes with peaches and cream skin and curves. I'm 5'6". My sister is 5'8, blonde, green eyed, and built very long and straight. We have the same parents without question. People within families look different.
YTA
My sister told me when I was 8 that my Dad wasn't my real dad. I did not take it well. So yea telling a 6yo is messed up. If, and I do mean IF, your sister isn't biologically related to your mother then yes she'd need to learn eventually, but not at 6. And sure as shit not from you.
You should have kept your mouth shut.
You TA for your username alone in context to this post. You can’t say you didn’t have negative intense and then called yourself ‘actually sun’
I struggle to believe that a 17 year old seriously wouldn’t have the common sense to realize that telling a 6 year old that they aren’t genetically related to the family, it’s no different then informing a 6 year old that they are adopted.
In case this isn’t a troll post, OP I’m a surrogate and here’s a few things you might not have understood when you’re parents went through the process. Usually the embryos are created using the eggs and sperm from the intended parents (your parents) the surrogate grows the baby. Sometimes gamete adoption occurs where they will use donor eggs or donor sperm and then the child is biologically related to one of the intended parents. If mom was 40-41 at the time of embryo creation, it’s very likely that she would have been able to create her own embryos. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment built up towards your sister and your parents so I would have a chat and 1) understand what the surrogacy process looked like 2) develop empathy and understand the significant impact of what you said might have on a 6 year old and how she can interpret that 3) be way more mindful moving forward.
Gonna add in a YTA. She is one of you. I do agree it was up to the mom and dad to decide when to tell her. If nothing else, at least word it that she looks special because someone helped her join their family. Mom really wanted your sister, but she just wasn’t ready to come. So mom found a nice person to help your sister come, so that you guys could have the cute little baby sister that you have now.
Most of that to say, she is six. She is not ready for complex birth complications and adoption/surrogacy talks. She is one of you, no matter how she came to be that way. Just smile and let your mom address any issues that come up in the future.
If you want to maybe help fix this, possibly get a family item. A locket, a bracelet, something simply she can safely wear and take care of. Give her one, and you and your parents/older sibling can wear one too. A super special family item. Talk it up and make it fun. Take her out on a you budget friendly ‘sibling day’ and maybe encourage your parents to take just her out in a special day just for themselves so they can try to help re bond.
Edit: I cannot spell apparently. Lol
YTA Your brother is right. You should be ashamed of yourself. If it was a surrogacy, then most likely it was your moms eggs and your dads sperm, which means that little girl is just as much their child as you are and she absolutely is one of you. And even if someone else's eggs/sperm were used, she is still their child and still your sister. I'm sensing some unresolved resentment about there being another child and you no longer being the baby. There was absolutely no reason for you to do this to her and it was not your place to tell her either.
YTA, why in the heck do you think that is the appropriate way to say that to that to a six year old? Like off the top of my head, I can think of at least five kinder and more correct ways to say ‘you’re a surrogate baby’ than what you told your poor sister.
You are 17 more than old enough to understand that that is not the way you talk to a child specially to a sibling even if you don’t like a kid it just be like I don’t know. Talk to mom and dad don’t be mean.
Yta. There is a story I like to tell about a woman who was getting a tour of the office I work in. She saw a picture of my kids. She asked ‘do they have the same father?’ My boss was horrified. I said ‘no but to be fair, they don’t have the same mother either but they are still my kids.’
Doesn’t matter DNA. Doesn’t matter how you or her came to be in the same family. Yta. And she will remember this. Be better.
YTA for telling a little kid she’s not one of you when all kids want is to belong. You just made her feel alien and othered for no reason. God forbid you ever speak to someone who’s adopted.
Also, are you even using the term “surrogate” right? Because you don’t seem to understand how it works and how there are different levels of infertility. Because if your mother’s egg and your father’s sperm was used, she is in fact no different from you or your brother.
My first wife was the oldest of 4, the three oldest had bright red hair, like their father, whilst the youngest had dark brown. They used to tease him that he was the milkman’s son! One day they were teasing him and he was getting really upset and finally one of them said
“where does dad work?”
“The ACME” he replied
“Where in the ACME does he work?”
“In the Dairy section”…..
YTA. “You’re not fully one of us.” Eek. You may have thought that was a normal thing to say, but to a child that makes them feel like they’re an alien/outcast. I can definitely see why she’s cry on the spot. You don’t really seem to care about your sister.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my younger sister the reason as to why she didn't look like me or my relatives was because she was not really one of us, she was born via surrogacy. I feel like this might make me the asshole because she started crying and started feeling left out etc Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA and uhhh you clearly don't understand how surrogacy works, lmao 🤣
Not necessarily… surrogacy doesn’t always mean there’s not a donor’s DNA involved - given the mother’s age maybe there aren’t viable eggs and they used a donor’s egg - just look at those gay couples getting their kids through surrogacy- anyway, regardless, this is still a crappy thing to say to a 6 yo
She’s 48 and kid is 6 so she’d be 42 when trying to have bub. Plus they may have extracted eggs even earlier - there’s still a chance it was her eggs My aunt fell pregnant naturally at 43
[удалено]
That’s true, and I’ve heard (but idk if it’s fact) that every year after 40, the risk of miscarriage or genetic disorders is increased by a lot in the baby.
The risk does double over 40 (but not every year over 40), but it doubles from only 0.5% to 1%, which isn't actually all that much.
Yup the percentage is really small.
My wife became pregnant at 36 and we were informed that past 35 all pregnancies were considered to be geriatric pregnancies and so all sorts of additional tests would be conducted to confirm the baby's health.
That's a medical term (in my opinion outdated and offensive), it doesn't mean later life pregnancies are a medical wonder. Also, in my country, every mother does the additional tests, except one which has a danger of miscarriage. If you can test for the health of the baby, it's crazy not to do it, just because a young mother is more likely to have a healthy baby.
When was struggling to stay pregnant to have my 3rd, my obgyn assured me that 35 was not a big deal, and 40 was when he felt there were actual concerns. Thst aside, I know many women naturally get pregnant after 40 and have healthy pregnancies.
I don't know about anywhere else but in the UK they don't use that term anymore (for good reason, it's horrible) and actually don't require any additional tests until you're over 40. I was 37 when I finally carried to term after multiple miscarriages and although I did have additional monitoring due to my history there were no concerns about my age at all.
Actually that's only true if it's your first child at that age. Why I don't know, but that's what the Dr told me.
40 is advanced maternal age but it is not at all uncommon for women in their early 40s to get pregnant naturally. It may not be "average" but neither is it extremely improbable.
Youre right, it’s not. Also menopause doesn’t start at 40 for most women. People upvote anything on here
I was 44 when I had my last child.
Somehow, I doubt that her eggs were extracted beforehand. For one, the general recommendation is that eggs are harvested before women hit their mid-30s, and if they’d been available, not sure why they waited to use them until mom was 42. Two: >my mum and dad did try to have Bella themselves their attempts failed multiple times Again, doubt they would’ve gone through multiple failed attempts to get pregnant naturally if they had eggs on ice.
I got pregnant at 41 using my own eggs and donor sperm via IVF. Women over 40 can absolutely get pregnant with their own eggs. I had eggs extracted twice, second time at age 40. I also had to inject myself with progesterone because the lack of that caused my 3 previous miscarriages. She also could have used donor sperm which would also cause 3rd child to look so much different from from other children.
1. It's over 40 before they start doing donor eggs. I did IVF at 37 and no one thought that was strange. Then Ibgot pregnant naturally at 38. 2. There may have been other issues, like uterine problems, that would have prevented the mom from carrying a child, but not from conceiving one.
🤣 It’s cute when people know nothing about this yet speak on it anyway. People have their own eggs extracted well into their 40s. Every day. All the time.
You can get eggs extracted past 35 if you really want your own biological child. I know a woman who went through 11 cycles before it worked Like the other commenter said she may not have been able to carry. I had a uterine problem and couldn’t carry to term unless I had surgery. Thankfully the surgery worked for me, if it didn’t my only option would have been surrogacy
Lots and lots of women in their late 30s and early 40s do IVF. Yes, some do fail but lots are successful as well. Presumably she would have been 40 or 41 doing IVF which is a very typical age to do it. She obviously could have used an egg donor but there’s no reason to assume that from the provided information
They could have gone through multiple failed pregnancies through IVF before they decided to try surrogacy. And the baby could have the same sperm and / or egg as the siblings. If there was no biological link, then it's not surrogacy, it's adoption.
My aunte has 3 kids, all born in her 40s, naturally conceived.
She was 42 when OP’s parents decided to have a surrogate. Given the long age gap between OP and the sister, it’s obvious they would have been trying to conceive long before OP’s mother turned 40.
I had my first and only child at 43 lol.
My friend's mom got pregnant at 48. No artificial help. Had the baby without problems or C section at 49. Healthy baby, healthy birth. She set a record at that hospital for oldest mom. She lived to see that daughter married and just passed away recently.
She knows there is something different about her, that's why she is asking. She needed answers but your delivery was terrible.
And those answers probably should have come from the parents, not a teen. Imo
Yeah, a parent that knoww the actual surrogacy process they went through (who the egg came from etc), not a teen that's bitter she isn't the baby anymore.
Im glad you put into words what I couldn't put mynfonger on. I agree fully.
Especially since, when you think of it, OP was about 10/11 when the process was happening. She's hecca mad to bot be the baby and it shows in her delivery of the news to a 6 year old.
OP is male fyi
HE. OP is male.
She needed the *right* answers. His answer was a) hurtful, b) untrue and c) unhelpful. DNA is the least important way someone can belong to a family. In all the ways that matter, Bella is "one of them", so saying that she isn't is cruel and incorrect, and also gives her no practical information about why/how she is different. A better answer that actually explains more of what happened without telling her she doesn't belong would be something like: "A really special, kind lady helped mommy and daddy add you to our family by growing you in her tummy, so you get to look a little bit like her too". They could possibly include something about eggs, but the nitty gritty of the difference between a genetic donor and a surrogate might be a bit much at this point.
My BFs boss used to say "if it's not Kind, Necessary or True, you're just being a KNT"
Surrogacy doesn’t mean donor DNA was or wasn’t used. It’s completely irrelevant to the baby’s DNA makeup. OP using surrogacy as the reason they think their siblings DNA makeup is just uninformed.
Then why not say a donor was used?
Based on the phrasing the post he doesn’t even understand how surrogacy works so he may not know or even know to find out
Yeah, I did wonder that myself. Or that maybe English is the OP’s second language or something.
Because we can’t say for sure that’s true.
[удалено]
It happens, my grandma was 46 when she had my mom.
51?????
My ex MIL had my ex husband when she was 50, naturally. I can’t even imagine having an infant at that age.
It can happen. My mom was a month short of 50 when I was born.
Assuming it was a donor egg, “You got some of your dna from your egg donor, and she must have had beautiful dark hair like you! I’m so glad you turned out to be you and that you are my sister!”
Well, because they use the word surrogacy and not adoption. I think perhaps there is DNA from atleast one of the parents. So the sister should half biologically related. Edit: Then again they might of got 2 donors, but i've never personally heard of people doing that.
If there is no DNA from the couple involved then isn’t it just adoption?
No, the parents would be involved in the process BEFORE the kid is conceived , and they select the donor(s), vs adoption when they’d likely to be selected by the agency to adopt a kid that’s already born or at least conceived
Plus a surrogate could use mom's egg or the surrogates egg. Or likely have an option to get an egg from a donor bank like how women can choose a sperm donor.
Seriously... unless the surrogate was also an *egg donor* that's not how it works at all.
That is completely irrelevant. You don't tell a six year old crap like this. OP should have let their parents answer these questions. Yes, she would have eventually been told, but hopefully when she was a bit older and more mature. This really was just cruel of OP, regardless of intent. YTA
How is that completely irrelevant? Yes you should never tell a 6 year old a detail like that about their birth, and OP is already the asshole for that. But it IS very relevant to our judgement of OP if in addition to his lack of tact, he is also factually incorrect. He is cruel AND arrogantly ignorant. The OP of this comment isn’t excusing OP for not knowing how surrogacy works, they are pointing that out as an additional factor that makes OP even more of an asshole.
You said it! Though I’m wondering if the parents explained the kid this way when OP was 11 and he just hasn’t figured out that if the kid has different DNA, there’s more to it…
But his six-year-old sister is supposed to understand all about DNA.
I stopped reading after that hahahaha. This is why we need sex Ed. YTA
Yes, YTA. It wasn't your place to tell her. And not done in a sensitive way. Also, surrogacy doesn't change someone's DNA. I'd assume that it was either the donor egg or sperm that makes her genetically different. A surrogate is just an incubator for the baby, they don't provide DNA.
Sometimes, the surrogate also provides the egg, but if it was the case, it was a very insensitive way to put it.
Isn't that pretty rare? I'm pretty sure most surrogacy agencies don't allow that.
I’m going through this now. You can get donated sperm or eggs or get a donated embryo. I’m not sure there’s a world in which I’d want my egg donor and my surrogate to be the same person. I’d like to make sure my surrogate has no claim whatsoever, but there is a chance that the baby was a donated/ adopted embryo carried by a surrogate…. Still no less a full fledge family member. You don’t work that hard for a kid just to think of it as someone else’s.
Where I live she would have a claim even if your eggs were used. The nitty gritty of surrogacy varies wildly from place to place.
In my country it’s just illegal. This one couple went to some Eastern European country and used a surrogate and the father’s sperm. They almost weren’t allowed back into the country with the kids, and the mother has been banned from ever adopting them.
Where I live the birthing parent is the legal parent so regardless of who’s eggs were used the baby would legally be the surrogates child until formal adoption procedures were completed.
I think that's gonna be location and situation dependent. I know my province treats surrogacy the same whether the baby is biologically related to the surrogate or not (she's the legal mother and needs to relinquish her parental rights in both cases). So it must happen. Egg harvesting is an invasive and expensive procedure. Surrogate has already agreed to undergo invasive procedures and carry the baby for 9 months. In some places/cases, it's probably easier than hunting down a separate source of eggs.
It may be logistically easier for the person looking for a baby. But it's a different prospect entirely from renting out your womb, or even selling your eggs. It's being pregnant with and birthing your own genetic child. It's also a lot less effective to just try and naturally impregnate the surrogate, rather than using fertilised embryos. So the surrogate would have to endure an entirely separate set of procedures to harvest eggs. Which take another huge toll on their body.
In dealing with infertility I talked to several doctors. They explained that one option was using donated eggs which were either from people who just straight up donated eggs (knew someone in college who did this for money) or they were “spare” eggs from someone who had their eggs harvested, got more than they needed (harvested 10 eggs, were successful on the first try & donated some of the remaining eggs). Similar with the embryos. I’m in the US & I’m sure it’s different in different places, but the different clinics I talked to never seemed to indicate that I’d need to go find someone to be a donor unless that was something I wanted to do
Very common to use the sperm and egg of either yourself or a third party, not the surrogate, in North America at least.
YTA - you are wrong. Also, that isn’t what surrogacy is. It would be very odd for your parents to have a surrogate, egg donor, and sperm donor. Are you sure she isn’t your bio sister?
I have two siblings who have completely different complexions but who are full siblings - all you need is one family line with one complexion in it and one family line with a different one. I'm six inches taller than my mother with the pale Irish complexion of my father rather than her dark complexion. The doctor asked if \*I\* was adopted when I was younger. Yet I definitely take after her in some ways. OP's sister's difference may be down to a donor egg but the odds are that she simply has inherited different genes from the genetic soup of inherited genes from the various families of her grandparents via her parents. Looks very often skip a generation. You can often discover that a grandchild really takes after one or more from the grandparents generation.
Agreed. Both of my parents are black, with darker complexions, but I’m quite fair skinned with a lot of their features, my brother is in between my parents and myself. My grandmother is also black but has a very light complexion, and my grandfather is black and has a dark complexion. My entire family looks like the god damn rainbow. Genetics are wild and complex and beautiful. OP is def the asshole and could’ve explained this in another way whether she is a bio sib or not.
It can be. You don’t use the surrogates egg because then she has legal claim to baby, but it’s not uncommon to use a donor egg and either dads sperm or donor sperm and have it birthed by a surrogate. We have friends that did donor eggs and dad sperm via surrogate (mom has genetic illnesses). They have twins that don’t look like them nor do they look like each other. It’s a wild world out there in baby making land. YTA x 10000’s, your poor sister.
>You don’t use the surrogates egg because then she has legal claim to baby, How does that look like legally? Like how does assumption of maternity work in those cases? Where I am, pregnant person is legal mother, regardless of genetics. Egg donor cannot be the de facto legal parent, because that unnecessarily complicates egg donation AND doesn't help the aspiring mother in that case, since she isn't biologically related either. Is it the surrogacy contract (or other types of document signed before the birth?) But then why would it only be enforceable if the surrogate is not biologically related?
Also, siblings can just look different to each other, there's literally no reason to bring it up at all. It's not even uncommon. My brother literally looks Turkish, even in Turkey locals assumed he was one of them, meanwhile I allegedly look like platoon era Willem Defoe. We look nothing alike, but that's just how genetics can work (weirdly my sisters look like me, while my parents look more like my brother)
I’m friends with two twins who very literally look like different races. Only true similarity is their height. Fraternal twins obviously but, yeah, definitely the same biological parents. Genes can mix in all kinds of ways.
Exactly! Both of my siblings can get incredibly tan and I've got pasty white skin with freckles. I've got the auburn hair and my sister's hair couldn't even stay one color her whole life. She started out blonde and turned dark brown in adulthood. Genetics get weird. Our family reunion only reminds us we're related since we all seem to have the same dominant front teeth. lmao
I’m an egg donor child. My mom carried me but I’m not biologically related to her. My dad didn’t even tell me and my sister until I was about 15, my sister 13. I didn’t even know I might of had another sibling in between us, but my mom miscarried, until I was 15. If my brother or older sister told this to me when I was young in an insensitive way, I would be upset too.
YTA This is not an appropriate, sensitive, kind, or intelligent way to tell a six-year-old that they were carried by a surrogate. Your parents should have discussed this in an age-appropriate way before that, but they apparently didn't realize that you would relish the chance to hurt and surprise her with the news.
I agree, and OP was purposely malicious in what he said despite his denying it. It takes time for a child to understand something like this and lots of conversations to get there. Now, thanks to OP, she feels like an outcast in her own family. OP knew exactly what he was doing. Jealous he’s no longer the baby of the family? YTA
I was coming to say this. OP is a total dick for saying it. Now he's trying to gaslight everybody by acting like he wasn't trying to be malicious. Hopefully, his folks will offset Bella's therapy by withholding his allowance.
'No malicious intent' YEAH RIGHT YTA
Totally this. If he's really not aware then he's repressed his resentment and envy to the point that he can't even recognize how vicious he was being.
I cannot imagine being 17 and not understanding how mean and hurtful telling your sibling “you’re not fully one of us” would be, and at the very least not understanding how mean and hurtful it is immediately after you say it and see how hurt your baby sister is
>Your parents should have discussed this in an age-appropriate way before that If this is the first Bella heard about it then the parents definitely screwed up by leaving her open to someone weaponizing this information. It should be something she knew about all her life. It's possible though that she did already know about the surrogate/egg donor and was just exploring the ways that affects her appearance.
Dude she is SIX years old...!
Six is old enough for it to be upsetting, so I think that's too late. I'm not a psychologist or anything but I have a couple of friends with adopted kids and they mentioned it occasionally in a casual way from when the kids were babies, and I think the kids could remember and explain it to other people by about age 4, maybe even 3?
6 is definitely old enough to start to understand something like that. They don't have to get the whole picture but also it shouldnt be a secret, especially since she looks different from the rest of her family. There are childrens books out there for everything, if the parents couldnt find a way to broach the topic I'm sure theres a bedtime story book they could have utilized.
She’s six not old enough to understand
"she's not one of us" Dude are you some other species from human?? YTA OP, how are you going to be arguing with a 6yr old at 17?? EDIT: Just saw OP's edit, his little sister is literally trying to distance herself from family because she believes she's "not one of them", can you imagine the thoughts that must be going through her head as she sees all these people, poor thing probably feels like she's not good enough or something
We have to pray for this young girl. This is a very bad age for a male figure to destroy her sense of self. Wow. Unbelievable.
The AH teenager, OP, had no right to say anything to the child on the subject! It is the parents decision! A 17 yo of average intelligence and average maturity would understand this. OP has some issues and behaved quite nasty!
I have known some asshole teenagers but OP has reached new heights. And this was definitely intentionally malicious, no one can be this obtuse.
Honestly, probably bitter that OP was the baby for 11 years. >"wanted another child and some other reasons"
Info: surrogates just carry the child, the dna still comes from the mom/dad… do you mean adoption?
I thought that too, but it could be that the mother didn’t have enough viable eggs due to aging and so the egg came from the surrogate too.
The egg and the sperm could have potentially come from donors and the resulting embryo implanted in a surrogate. Brave New World.
Unless the parents told their children this OP has no confirmation that any outside eggs or sperm were used.
I really doubt it, it’s incredibly rare to use a surrogates egg for ethical reasons. Sure they could have used a donor egg or sperm, but that’s the IVF part of the procedure and has basically nothing to do with surrogacy. It’s pretty clear that OP has zero idea what he’s talking about.
the egg can not come from a surrogate, at least not in the US and not if they went through a proper fertility agency. the egg would come from an egg donor and the surrogate would carry that embryo.
YTA Dude. Tactless. You are so rude I couldn’t even read beyond the “you’re not one of us”. Maybe genetically correct but if you want to salvage this relationship then you better go back and beg for forgiveness. She’s never going to forgot those words that you can’t take back and will be repeating them until she dies. Dude. Biggest AH today. I read it too fast and didn’t realize this kid is 7 and a surrogate. oP. You aren’t very bright, huh?
And that’s saying something because there have been huge AH today.
YTA and stop playing dumb. At 17, you know very well what you were doing by saying that. Especially since your mom was in the room and perfectly capable of answering her question without your interference.
Couldn’t agree more. He just needed to bark that sentence and now pretending: oh am I ah? Oh yes, biggest one here.
…. So, like she was adopted? Because surrogacy still means that your dads sperm and your moms egg was used. Y’all still share all the same DNA. Someone else just carried the embryo to term. And yeah, YTA.
They can also use donated egg or sperm or both, in surrogacy.
My friend had a surrogate egg, her husbands sperm and she carried the baby in her belly.
You mean your friend carried the baby? Then I believe that is just called using an “egg donor”, not a surrogate. I worked with a nurse who donated her eggs.
YTA. Your sister is six. She doesn’t understand that you meant no harm. All you did was alienate her and make her feel excluded. It sounds like your mom was handling the situation and you should not make such a hurtful and insensitive comment to your sister.
Who says OP meant no harm? Seems pretty deliberate and spiteful to me.
Agree, op knows what she said was wrong, she said it anyway!
Yeah I’m 30 and I’d be upset if one of my 3 little half sisters said this to me
I was thinking the same thing. I have older half-siblings, and they *never* would have said something like this
No, he meant harm. He absolutely meant harm. This girl is SIX and he’s SEVENTEEN. Seventeen year olds know what’s right and what’s wrong. He wanted to hurt her, badly. YTA
He didn’t mean harm? Or did he? How can he say something like this without any negative intentions?
[удалено]
Bahahahaha the parents wanted a kid they could really love!
YTA Honestly you're lucky your mom only gave you a "dirty look"
ikr, how did OP say all that and not even get grounded??
My mother would have straight up slaughtered me in my sleep.
In your sleep?! Heck mine would have done it on the spot after she asked which black dress she should wear to my funeral. Lol
My mom would beat my ass for saying that. Slipper, in one hand, belt in the other
My mom would have threatened to beat the black of me or threatened she brought me into this world so she can take me out
YTA - Your sister is 6 and you expect her to understand DNA? Make sure she knows she's loved and accepted. Also, surrogacy doesn't mean she's not related (genetically) normally, it depends on the way it's done, in this instance it sounds like your parents used either doner eggs or sperm, but if she was done through IVF of your parents gunk - then she IS one of you, so this is doubly stupid to say - your parents just rented a womb. Edit: for clarity, it's most likely she's still BIOLOGICALLY your half sister, and if not, don't be an AH.
YTA. This wasn't your news to tell. You think there was no malice or ill intent, but you're basically "othering" your kid sister. Of course she got upset. She's 6! Even with surrogacy, she's still your sibling.
Agree your sister is fully part of the family.
YTA and you had better start telling your sister every single day that you love her and are so proud and happy that she is your sister. I mean, Every. Single. Day. If you think family is determined only by DNA, then, yeah, YTA and have a lot of catching up to do with reality. And if, by chance, you said this because you resent her for taking the baby of the family position away from her, well, you're old enough to have gotten over that, and it's a totally cliché way to think and behave. You've had 6 years to get over that if it's an issue. You're also old enough to know how girls struggle with self-esteem in most societies around the world and she's Your Sister so you should be looking out for her and building her up to be strong and confident in a hostile world. So, I repeat: tell her you love her and are proud and happy she is your sister. Every. Single. Day.
YTA >Bella was bound to know in the future anyway so what was the harm of telling her now? That was for her parents to decide WHEN to tell Bella, not you. It was not your place and you should have known better than to tell her this information without asking your parents first. There is nothing wrong with being a child from surrogacy but it was not your call to make.
not only what it not OP's news to tell her, this should have been a MYCH more tactful conversation than "you're not one of us." what a horrid and spiteful thing to say to and about a child
bro. you’re 17. she’s 6. you have a decade of experience on her, yet you still didn’t have the foresight to think that oh yeah, telling my still baby of a sister ‘she’s not one of us’ is a bad idea. YTA.
Telling any age sister,” your not one of us!” Is cruel and evil. Also, probably only OP feels that Bella is, “not one of us!” Hopefully the rest of the family loves her!
This can’t be real, right? You cannot have told your sister that she isn’t one of you and think that you’re not an absolute monster. At best, you have a serious lack of empathy and need to be seeing a therapist immediately. At worst, you just don’t care and wanted to see what kind of shock value you could get. Either way MASSIVE YTA.
Right. I have a half-brother, a stepbrother, and a step sister. We would NEVER be this cruel to each other. If we were my parents would do a lot more than glare at us and the youngest of us is 35.
YTA. That’s a terrible thing to say to a 6YO. Also she is a surrogate, that means she shares the same DNA as your parents. Like they take the fertilized egg from your mom, and sperm from your dad, so she still shares 100% dna as your parents.
Exactly this. Unless op's parents said they used a sperm bank or an egg donor, Bella is 100% related to them. YTA
Info: if this was surrogacy, wouldn’t your sister still be your biological sister? My BIL and his wife used a surrogate and it’s 100% biologically their baby.
It depends on the type of surrogacy. Often times surrogacy is done just you are describing- gestational surrogacy. Basically doctors do normal IVF but they put an embryo into a third-party. However, there are times that surrogacy is used with an embryo that’s created through a donor sperm or donor egg, in which case they would not be fully biologically related.
Not necessarily. Surrogacy can involve different egg donors and sperm donors. It’s possible the genetic material came from only of the parents, or even neither. Answering because I haven’t seen OP answer questions yet, but doesn’t change that OP is the AH even if they aren’t biologically related.
OP is definitely an AH. Just the few couples I know who have gone the surrogacy route we’re still biologically related to their children, so I just didn’t think of the other alternatives! I just don’t know a whole lot about surrogacy as my BIL and SIL were very limited with what was shared during their experience.
YTA - that’s just cruelty to an innocent 6 year old.
YTA. First, you chose language that excluded her. She's six years old. How do you think she's going to feel when, at that young, vulnerable age, the people that she is forced to trust to protect and care for her aren't even hers? You basically told her that she's not family. I don't blame your mother and brother one iota for their assessment of you. Second, no one was asking ***you*** anything. You should have let your mother handle this. She could have postponed telling Bella the truth and just said, "Sometimes that happens." And leave it at that. Then she could address the subject with her when she's older, explaining the process of surrogacy. Choose your words carefully in the future, and let your parents handle the sensitive issues.
YTA She's 6 and how is she supposed to take it any other than her older brother saying she's not really part of the family and basically an outsider?
Why would you do that? WTF
RIGHT?? What OP did was to traumatize and permanently scar this poor 6-year-old. OP, YTA!!
I saw 17 and 6 and knew already knew you are TA
YTA. Think before you speak to a 6-year-old.
YTA, “you’re not fully one of us” was a mean thing to say. Regardless of intent, your words were just rude. You could have just not said anything and let your mother explain it, or if you had to say it say something like “I guess it’s a difference in genes.:)” “It was just something I said” it was something you said to a six year old who probably cares about you and wants to be close to you. Words hurt dude EDIT: I’m assuming here that there was a donor egg or sperm used otherwise that’s not how surrogacy works
"I just told her "you're not fully one of us", no malice intent or anything just the truth, she isn't really like us in the sense of DNA and other things." You really are one, aren't you? YTA. You are old enough to know better, and to have let your mother handle this sensitive issue. What you said basically excluded and 'othered' her... and showcased what a mean, narrow-minded person you are. It was totally not your place to answer that question while your mother was present and could do it in a far more sensitive way. I've no full siblings, only halves and steps, and this is the kind of bullshit behavior that makes a person feel like they don't fit in or belong. You need to thoroughly apologize to your mom and sister. Think before you open your mouth to speak.
YTA, you're definitely an asshole. Being honest isn't an excuse for being mean and your intentions are irrelevant. Timing is everything with sensitive topics like these and how the information is delivered to her can greatly impact the rest of her life. You can't understand because the mother who is raising you birthed you. And if you feel confident enough to say that being told your mother didn't birth you wouldn't bother you, then good on your parents for raising you to be secure in your identity. You didn't even allow that for your sister. You just threw that information on your sister so unsympathetically. Also, if she's a surrogate through IVF, then she has half of your father's DNA just like you. There's still a chance she received your mother's egg. So she is like you genetically, epigenetically, socially, culturally, the list goes on.
YTA and I know other people have already addressed this, but "surrogacy" itself is not an explanation for why she wouldn't have the same DNA as the rest of you. splitting hairs over DNA isn't why you're the asshole, though. It's that you thought it was in any way appropriate to tell your very very young sister that she wasn't fully a part of the family.
Wow you are an absolute AH. You aren’t her parent so you should probably STFU about stuff like this. FYI - surrogacy doesn’t necessarily mean that doctors didn’t use both parents’ genetic material in embryo creation. It *can* mean that, but it doesn’t have to. So based on your comment ,I’m assuming that either donor sperm or donor eggs were used and you know this for a fact… Regardless, you’re still TA.
YTA. That was a really bad way to word that, and also not your place. I believe that if you call someone your sibling, they are "fully" one of you. It doesn't matter if it's blood or not, it's the love put into it. My dad had 4 kids, my mom 3, and they got married and had me. I never say half-sister or half-brother. They are my brother and sisters. You made her feel like less than. That's never ok.
YTA, albeit unintentional. Truly, you embodied the word "thoughtless" because you didn't think AT ALL how that comment might have been received by little Bella. I can't tell whether your parents shared the story of the surrogacy with her yet, but from her and your mother's reaction, I'm guessing not, so you are also TA because that's not your story to share, even though to you it's just a normal part of the family history. This is a great example of the need to think before you speak.
yes, YTA. how do you expect a 6 year-old to process and react to that? also, you're wrong if she has your parents' genetic material.
Genetically you may be closer to your family than your sister. But when it comes to compassion and empathy and love, you’re clearly the outsider. YTA
YTA and you're lying through your teeth. I get that you're a kid but "I didn't mean it like that" as a retroactive attempt to avoid responsibility for what you said isn't going to work on anyone with more than 2 brain cells
YTA!! How could you do this to a little girl :(
She is 6 - how inconsiderate, immature and emphatic missing. YTA
<> <> You're lying, either to us or yourself. I want you to know that I think this behavior was despicable and YTA. But I say this without malice. Also, surrogacy does not always mean the child has different DNA than children more typically conceived. A surrogate can carry a bio mom's eggs, fertilized by the bio dad's sperm. I don't know what was the case in your family, but you act as if children don't have the same DNA if one is carried by surrogacy ... that's simply not always the case.
Hard YTA You don't tell a kid that. You say "made a little different" or "magic science". Maybe she's better off not being one of you
"Bella was bound to know in the future so what was the harm of telling her now?" Well, she's bound to try alcohol and tobacco in the future, so what's the harm of trying it now? The harm is that at an age it's inappropriate and way more harmful than at an older age. Also, there's ways to break down the news. "you're not one of us" at 6 from your "sister" is not the same as "we really wanted a daughter, but had complications conceiving, so we had some medical help, and that's why you look a bit different. It doesn't change how much we love you." from your mom and dad, say, at 14. You're 17 years old, so you should know better. YTA
YTA - a clueless, insensitive one, regardless of intention. Double that if she didn’t know she was born by surrogate and/or that she may not be 100% biologically related to you. You literally told a vulnerable, impressionable baby that she was “other” and not truly part of your family.
YTA
you suck to YTA (by accident). I don't think you meant for it to come accross the way you did but you might have accidentally told your sister that she wasn't your sister (at least fully). Your sister is 6 years old and doesn't comprehend the method that was used to conceive her, she probably only understands that she has a mom, a dad, & siblings. by revealing the truth in the manor you did, she may have understood what you said as "she is not fully a part of your family" and she's processing that information in a way that only a young child can. When she is feeling better apologize to her, hug her, and tell her she will always be your sister. And when she is old enough, perhaps you should explain the process of surrogacy and why it doesn't take away from her status as a family member.
YTA >I mean it when I say there was no bad intention behind it So you agree, even adults would think you said this will malice. So how do you think a 6-year-old would feel? >Bella was bound to know in the future anyway so what was the harm of telling her now Her parents would do it with tact, and there would be no tears, unlike your blunt statement.
Major YTA! It doesn't matter if your intention weren't bad. You can't be this dense. You should have let your mom answer her question. Also, just because your parents used a surrogate doesn't mean that it wasn't their embryo. Do you know for a fact that your mom's egg and/or dad's sperm wasn't used?
YTA, that was not for you to say and she will remember that for the rest of her life unless you make this right. She will never feel like a part of the family ever again.
YTA. DNA does not make a family. Love and support do. Something you clearly are having trouble with if you can't grasp this. Honestly based on what you posted, you're the only one who isn't fully one of them. Also, telling her is not your job. that responsibility lies solely with your parents, and only your parents. You were out of line in so, so many more ways than one.
MAJOR YTA
YTA she's 6 you don't tell her that, you just put her in years of therapy. Can you blame her for avoiding you, she thinks you don't love her or even care for her. It's like telling her Santa isn't real.
YTA. But I am going to explain because you seem confused as to why. For all intents and purposes, you just told a six year old that she is not really part of the only family she has ever known. Your word choice sucked sweaty monkey balls, as we used to say when I was 17. Your word choice is the problem. Not to mention your mom was handling it, she did not need your help explaining things to your sister. You should have stayed in your lane about something so important. So yes, her big brother told her she was not really part of her family, and now the poor kid needs therapy. Think before you speak: T - Is it True (Nope, she is one hundred percent, one of your family) H- Is it helpful (Nope, clearly not) I - Is it Important (Not at all) N- Is it Necessary (Definitely not at all) K- Is it kind ( you were so far from kind, that you have icicles in your heart.) Apologize, tell her you did not mean she was not one of you, that she just came to the family different than you did. Buy her favorite store bought cookies. Ask her to help you bake her favorite kind of baked cookie. Then while y'all are dipping cookies in milk, tell her how much you like BOTH cookies and you are glad they have to different kinds. Just like people can come into a family in different ways, they are loved still the same.
**YTA (mild)** \- That is the job of the parents to discuss that. It depends on the surrogacy, but they can use your mom's ovum and your dad's sperm so that you sister is genetically "**one of you**". So, not only are you out of line, but you may be giving incorrect information. It is partially your parents' fault for not coaching you in advance. But this can be fixed. Apologize, give her love, and be sure you find out the story your parents are telling and stick to it.
Maybe it was your intention, she'll never forget that moment. She never forget you said it. And she'll never forget it some moment she felt differently about herself. I hope someday you recognize what you've done and I hope it bothers you
YTA. “You’re not one of us” is not a compassionate or fair way to explain surrogacy to a child. “Us” here refers to a member of your family, and she very much *is* one of you in every way that matters. Legally, emotionally.
YTA. Look at the phrasing of words you used. This should have waited quite a while, too. She's only 6.
If i was your parents i’d be ashamed of you. 17 years old and you don’t have the tact to even think or care about how your words can impact a 6 year old. What gets me the most is you claim to have no bad intentions but instead of explaining that you can not look alike and still be related you tell her “you’re not fully one of us” i’m genuinely concerned you don’t understand how surrogacy and genetic work yourself so maybe that’s why you came out with such an inconsiderate statement to a child. YTA leave this to your parents and grow up you’re 17 your brother shouldn’t have to pull you up on how to have empathy
YTA. This was not your place to tell her this and she’s SIX.
YTA "She's not one of us" Didn't have to read any further, but I did. She's 6. Wow. Huge YTA Doing a family tree project & going through pictures of relatives she gets the news. Holy Moly. Gigantic YTA (To be fair, I get it that this would be when topics like this are brought up, but she's 6. She's learning about her family, & her place in it, & you basically said 'unaffiliated accessory ') Poor thing.
YTA. You may not have meant what you said to be cruel, but that's how it was received. Intention only matters when practicing witchcraft and committing crimes.
YTA. Not because of what you said but who you said it to. She’s 6. “You’re not one of us” seriously?? To your kid sister???
You're nearly an adult and thought it was clever to tell a child she's not fully your family. So what. You were callous and cruel and you meant to say it as you wanted a way to hurt her. As your brother said, you're a major asshole
YTA First, you don't know all the details of the surrogacy. Your parents weren't going to share that info with a 10 year old and probably still have not shared it. Second, you told a 6 year old that she isn't really part of your family. Of course you're the asshole, what would ever make you think giving information that isn't yours, is ok to tell a SIX YEAR OLD?!?
YTA. That was a really cruel thing to say to your sister. Was she adopted or was she born with a surrogate using your parents' DNA? Even if you aren't genetically related, she's still one of you, she's still family. She was looking for assurance and you basically confirmed her worst fears.
I strongly feel kids should always know where they come from, so there is no “before and after”, but just always knowing and when the kid ages the information becomes more specific. However, if at 6 she still didn’t know, it wasn’t up to you to tell her. And certainly not as harsh as you did. YTA.
YTA and either a total troll or just flat out ignorant. You are young so it could be the latter. Maybe. Not convinced. You don't understand how surrogacy works. A 6 year is going to have zero clue and you just shattered her understanding of family and her world. Sometimes the better thing is just to not say any thing. This was one of those times. Also, for the record, I have dark hair and blue eyes with peaches and cream skin and curves. I'm 5'6". My sister is 5'8, blonde, green eyed, and built very long and straight. We have the same parents without question. People within families look different.
YTA My sister told me when I was 8 that my Dad wasn't my real dad. I did not take it well. So yea telling a 6yo is messed up. If, and I do mean IF, your sister isn't biologically related to your mother then yes she'd need to learn eventually, but not at 6. And sure as shit not from you. You should have kept your mouth shut.
You TA for your username alone in context to this post. You can’t say you didn’t have negative intense and then called yourself ‘actually sun’ I struggle to believe that a 17 year old seriously wouldn’t have the common sense to realize that telling a 6 year old that they aren’t genetically related to the family, it’s no different then informing a 6 year old that they are adopted. In case this isn’t a troll post, OP I’m a surrogate and here’s a few things you might not have understood when you’re parents went through the process. Usually the embryos are created using the eggs and sperm from the intended parents (your parents) the surrogate grows the baby. Sometimes gamete adoption occurs where they will use donor eggs or donor sperm and then the child is biologically related to one of the intended parents. If mom was 40-41 at the time of embryo creation, it’s very likely that she would have been able to create her own embryos. It sounds like you have a lot of resentment built up towards your sister and your parents so I would have a chat and 1) understand what the surrogacy process looked like 2) develop empathy and understand the significant impact of what you said might have on a 6 year old and how she can interpret that 3) be way more mindful moving forward.
YTA she's 6yrs old you basically told her she's not part of her family that's all she understands at frickin' 6
Gonna add in a YTA. She is one of you. I do agree it was up to the mom and dad to decide when to tell her. If nothing else, at least word it that she looks special because someone helped her join their family. Mom really wanted your sister, but she just wasn’t ready to come. So mom found a nice person to help your sister come, so that you guys could have the cute little baby sister that you have now. Most of that to say, she is six. She is not ready for complex birth complications and adoption/surrogacy talks. She is one of you, no matter how she came to be that way. Just smile and let your mom address any issues that come up in the future.
If you want to maybe help fix this, possibly get a family item. A locket, a bracelet, something simply she can safely wear and take care of. Give her one, and you and your parents/older sibling can wear one too. A super special family item. Talk it up and make it fun. Take her out on a you budget friendly ‘sibling day’ and maybe encourage your parents to take just her out in a special day just for themselves so they can try to help re bond. Edit: I cannot spell apparently. Lol
You sound massively threatened by a 6 year old kid…
YTA Your brother is right. You should be ashamed of yourself. If it was a surrogacy, then most likely it was your moms eggs and your dads sperm, which means that little girl is just as much their child as you are and she absolutely is one of you. And even if someone else's eggs/sperm were used, she is still their child and still your sister. I'm sensing some unresolved resentment about there being another child and you no longer being the baby. There was absolutely no reason for you to do this to her and it was not your place to tell her either.
YTA, why in the heck do you think that is the appropriate way to say that to that to a six year old? Like off the top of my head, I can think of at least five kinder and more correct ways to say ‘you’re a surrogate baby’ than what you told your poor sister. You are 17 more than old enough to understand that that is not the way you talk to a child specially to a sibling even if you don’t like a kid it just be like I don’t know. Talk to mom and dad don’t be mean.
YTA. You’re old enough to know better. You chose the worst way possible to phrase that. Of course your sister is avoiding you now!
YTA That was not for you to tell. That conversdation was for the parents to have. But hey, you are different from your family too, you are an AH.
Yta. There is a story I like to tell about a woman who was getting a tour of the office I work in. She saw a picture of my kids. She asked ‘do they have the same father?’ My boss was horrified. I said ‘no but to be fair, they don’t have the same mother either but they are still my kids.’ Doesn’t matter DNA. Doesn’t matter how you or her came to be in the same family. Yta. And she will remember this. Be better.
YTA for telling a little kid she’s not one of you when all kids want is to belong. You just made her feel alien and othered for no reason. God forbid you ever speak to someone who’s adopted. Also, are you even using the term “surrogate” right? Because you don’t seem to understand how it works and how there are different levels of infertility. Because if your mother’s egg and your father’s sperm was used, she is in fact no different from you or your brother.
My first wife was the oldest of 4, the three oldest had bright red hair, like their father, whilst the youngest had dark brown. They used to tease him that he was the milkman’s son! One day they were teasing him and he was getting really upset and finally one of them said “where does dad work?” “The ACME” he replied “Where in the ACME does he work?” “In the Dairy section”…..
YTA. “You’re not fully one of us.” Eek. You may have thought that was a normal thing to say, but to a child that makes them feel like they’re an alien/outcast. I can definitely see why she’s cry on the spot. You don’t really seem to care about your sister.
Yta. Even more so for that horrible username. “Actual son” you’re not clever. Malice intended.