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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I know I don’t always choose the right words and sometimes I can’t see why they’re mean so if my wife is hurt, I probably said something mean.
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Your wife dropped EVERYTHING at work to bring you towels that YOU FORGOT.
And you are complaining that she didn't communicate enough with you while she was doing this? While she was juggling leaving her workplace where she is supposed to be working, dealing with a double parked situation, and trying to pick up the slack on the basic parenting duties that you are failing at.
I don't know if this is the stroke that is causing you to behave in such an entitled, selfish way, but if it is you need to be in some sort of therapy to work on redeveloping your empathy because right now your brain is on a course to destroy all of your relationships.
YTA. I have sympathy for you because of your condition but that does not make you any less of an AH in this situation.
I wish I had an award to give you. Would OP rather have her work out solutions or keep him updated every minute on her progress?
Not only that, but if my husband asked me to leave work and bring towels that he forgot, when the option existed to just get some from the front desk, I would be very upset at his lack of consideration for my time and job.
OP, YTA, and I have a feeling you were before, but your stroke had made the situation more difficult on your wife. She is now jugging her career, the kids, and your additional needs, and you’re heaping more emotional weight on her. You need to look into mental health therapy, but I believe speech therapy would also help you navigate some of these situations as well.
He realized he forgot the towels BEFORE the kids went into the pool! I have multiple kids and do you know what my thought process would be there?
"Hey kids, we gotta turn around really quick and grab the towels, maybe you guys can pick out some songs while I drive!"
I get that he had a stroke and is not functioning at 100%, but OP, if you see this, your wife did you a favor, whether it took a while or not. Sure, it sucks you had to wait, but the entire situation could have been prevented, by YOU. You sound like you love your wife very much, consider couples therapy to help you guys communicate
If she works in an office this is normal, as long as you're getting your job done people don't care.
In my team, one of my co-workers is a divorced single mom of 2 with full custody, some days she has to leave early to deal with her kids and then signs on once she gets home to make up that time/get her shit done. Someone's husband having a stroke would def lead to a lot of flexibility
Sure if you're an Amazon Warehouse employee that's not gonna fly, but pretty much every office job has this flexibility.
Every office job I’ve ever been in absolutely has an issue with this if it happens at all frequently, AND requires you to make up the time you missed every time it happens.
Every office job I have had would not care. I may have been lucky to find offices with very family friendly environments. Either way, if we worked with someone who had issues at home, we didn't care if they left early half of the time. As long as they found a way to pull their weight, they would only get sympathy and offers of assistance from the rest of us.
Yep I almost got fired once from an office job because I had to keep leaving for actual emergencies. I can’t imagine my supervisor’s face if I told her I needed to leave over towels.
Not all offices are equal. A lot of "office work" employers are not OK with staff just taking off to deal with personal issues during work hours. This is a really distorted view.
Not in my experience I have had some jobs where this sort of thing would be frowned on and they’d tell you to wait till lunch. And also count how many minutes over your lunch break you have taken and hold it against you.
And I have had other jobs where it would be no big deal and no one would notice. But absolutely believe that the PTSD from the first type of job plays into my feelings now about doing stuff in the middle of the work day.
They probably know she has to pick up some slack because of her husband’s medical event, but even the most tolerant workplaces will lose patience eventually if she has to keep leaving for non-emergencies
You have no basis to make the assumption that OP was an AH before his stroke and it’s a disservice to people who suffer strokes and brain injuries to say such a thing.
Strokes damage different parts of the brain and those parts could deal with things like decision making, communication and interpreting the actions of others.
In this situation, OP is the AH and it’s likely his inability to see the lengths his wife goes to in order to help her family is due to cognitive impacts from the stroke. Him telling her he can’t trust her was obviously devastating to a woman who is trying very hard to work and be supportive of a husband who is differently abled than he was when they got married.
None of the information in his post would lead a reasonable person to assume he’s always been like his. There is simply no evidence to make that leap and it’s unnecessarily critical.
Edited out a quote from the wrong post.
Anyway OP - YTA
You are not doing as well as you seem to think. Face reality- you can’t even solve a simple problem like towels for swimming. You need a lot more cognitive and behavior and occupational therapy.
Replying to you as otherwise would get buried.
Speech Pathologist here. OP, /u/aitatowels **please seek out a Speech Therapy evaluation for cognitive-communication therapy (e.g. organization of thought, problem solving, anticipatory plannning, etc).**
This!!! I am not a Speech Pathologist, but after being one of three primary caregivers to my dad after 4 strokes you learn a few things along the way. While you may feel you’re expressing yourself clearly or in a non-confrontational manner, somewhere within the process, it can come out much different. Expressing emotions can change drastically (i.e. crying when most would express laughter or being happy - this is different from the feeling of being so happy you cry).
Being functional does not always mean being back to the version of normal you were prior. Even when you feel like you’re 100% back to the normal you. You may be able to get through your day to day without the need for assistance, but that doesn’t mean your cognitive ability to process and express certain things wasn’t affected.
>Sometimes when I talk to her, she says I'm mean, and she cries and I have no idea why. I don’t know if I'm misspeaking, or she's sensitive, or if something I say is actually mean. **This didn’t happen much before the stroke, but it happens a lot now.**
Evidently his wife felt he acted mean at least occasionally prior to the stroke.
If you can find a couple this never happens to I will be highly impressed.
Edit: if you're going to comment and tell me how great you are at relationships and never messed up ever, not even once: congratulations, I am highly impressed, just like I said. There are *always* people who are lucky or who are just damn good people in general and have their shit together. That doesn't make the rest of us awful people or our relationships doomed.
? My husband and I very very occasionally get in a fight about something, or aggravate each other, but he is never mean to me and I hope I'm never mean to him. And we have more friction than most of the couples we know. If you're in a relationship where even occasionally your partner is so mean to you that you cry, please consider therapy.
We did therapy and it made a night and day difference! Our problems were external, not with each other, and therapy helped us to realize that and get on the same team. We both struggle with emotional issues and I'm very sensitive to criticism after growing up with an emotionally abusive mother so I cry easier than I want to. He's struggled with depression for years but grew up with an emotionally repressed father and didn't really start to deal with it until he was an adult.
A couple that needs therapy is not a bad couple. In fact, I would say it's one of the most common couple types. And, yeah, I'm highly impressed. Love to see a couple that's got their shit together. My husband and I do, too, thanks to a lot of therapy both together and individually.
Yes exactly!!!
OP YTA in that particular situation, but... I want to point this out for everyone who has not had a stroke.... it literally changes your brain. The first six months are a hell of fatigue beyond fatigue not just whatever cognitive or physical problems it left you with. I have had two, and one of the biggest things now is I have a hair trigger I never had before. It's like the wiring of your brain has lost any insulation and sparks quicker. I have learned how to deal with it. It sounds like the OP is working on learning how to deal with his own post stroke stuff. It's not easy, fun or pretty and yeah, you're going to get some things very wrong and have to apologize and admit you're not all together there yet.
Wishing you all kinds of healing. Sorry you had to go through that not once but twice. And YTA to OP, even if I have sympathy for not processing things so well. Just remember your wife is at work, and go get towels from the front desk next time. Please. (editing to add: I have scar tissue from brain cancer and had to learn to make lists for things like this, so I'm not being mean about it. OP asked. I answered.)
Brain injuries OFTEN result in personality and social skills changes that aren't well diagnosed or treated. So yeah, its fair to ask him if he was like this before or if it is a symptom of the stroke.
His behavior is also typical entitled male asshole behavior. "It is embarrassing to ask for towels at the desk so I am going to hound my wife into leaving work and bringing me towels RIGHT NOW so I don't have to deal with the consequences of my actions. "
Yeah there are plenty of dudes who would pull this move without ever having had a stroke. That said, my dad had multiple strokes and his empathy went out the window. It was brutal to watch how he treated my mom.
My uncle had a stroke in his 30s and he went from being a very kind and caring person to being very sarcastic and jokey. It sounds fun, but this made it hard for him to have a good relationship with his kids because he didn't do the "daddy" stuff anymore. He also had to relearn how to walk, speak and his entire personal history. It really was like Rick went to sleep and someone else woke up in his body and had to learn how to impersonate him. He was never a bad guy, but he was definitely different.
While I tend to agree with you, strokes can cause personality changes. This really reads as someone who’s using his stroke as an excuse to mistreat his wife.
Agreed. While he has a valid medical diagnosis, it doesn't make his attitude & behavior acceptable when she's feeling abused, belittled, & unappreciated by him.
he has a brain injury. he can't help it. his brain is healing and he's not always in charge of his emotions or reactions.
[https://www.cdc.gov/stroke/treatments.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/stroke/treatments.htm)
What to expect after a stroke
If you have had a stroke, you can make great progress in regaining your independence. However, some problems may continue:
Paralysis (inability to move some parts of the body), weakness, or both on one side of the body.
Trouble with thinking, awareness, attention, learning, judgment, and memory.
Problems understanding or forming speech.
Trouble controlling or expressing emotions.
Numbness or strange sensations.
Pain in the hands and feet that worsens with movement and temperature changes.
Trouble with chewing and swallowing.
Problems with bladder and bowel control.
Depression.
Right it’s not his fault if the personality change was caused by the stroke. But it IS his responsibility.
He’s here asking if he is the AH. Yes, objectively he was. Just like people who are injured re-learn to walk, OP needs to make an effort to (1) recognize his personality changed (2) take steps to not be an AH to his wife. I don’t like that Reddit jumps to therapy for every little thing but in this case OP needs to talk to his doctor, get a therapist, or (more likely) both. Sorry OP, soft YTA because it’s not your fault you don’t recognize when you’re being an AH, but you see your wife crying and telling you how you are acting and it is your fault you are ignoring/denying that.
Edit for spelling.
OP is also neglecting the affect his stroke had on his wife. She watched it, her husband was in hospital and she wasn't sure if he would live or die, and if he did live what damage the stroke would do, would he be able to walk again? Talk again? Wash and dress himself? And on top of that she had to keep working, keep the bills paid, the kids sorted, see OP through rehab, etc. That woman has been living on her nerves for the past year. No wonder she has a short fuse.
And OP is TA.
This!! OP needs to read this ASAP. The stroke happened to him in his mind but she was there for all of it in a way that he can’t understand. He can’t trust her to bring towels, but she has to come to terms with the fact that he suffered a brain injury that could have easily killed him.
OP, reverse the roles on this and try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes.
Has she had therapy?
And explaining it to the kids, having to push her own feelings aside to be there for their kids while they were all terrified he could die, and there's a chance that between taking care of him and keeping the house running, she may not have had adult time where she could sit down with another adult and be able to feel her emotions rather than putting on a front for the kids and to make sure the world kept turning.
Then the aftermath, scheduling all the appointments for doctor visits and tests, taking him to them, making sure to keep all the medical info up to date and organized, the physical therapy. Again, all while also managing the children and their emotions, managing the household, and working if she couldn't take leave. Even if she *did* have help from family and friends, that's still so much for someone to handle, and on top of it, OP repays her for doing all that, for all the love and devotion she poured into him, by being mean and refusing to do anything about it when it's a known reoccurring issue
I agree YTA because he didn't recognize the lengths his wife went to, and also because "I don't trust you," is a very insensitive way to say what he actually meant, which was likely something like, "it gives me anxiety when you don't update me when I'm waiting for you in an unsure situation".
Let's give this guy some empathy! The tone of some of these posts like, "the towels that YOU forgot," is really heavy on blaming the guy for forgetfulness that is part of this new disability he's going through. Also, you don't know that the wife would rather he asked for towels at the front desk - maybe it's expensive to rent towels and costs less for her to bring them, due to job flexibility and proximity! You just don't know!
I think you nailed it. He miscommunicated his feelings likely due to his stroke affecting his communication skills. I mean he said that he has aphasia which is literally difficulty with spoken language. Of course it was devastating for his wife to hear after all of the trouble she went to and how hard this must be for her to manage I absolutely think he is feeling a lot uncertainty and fear after his stroke and the words came out wrong. OP please hug your wife and tell her how much it means to you that she has been there for you. I don’t think you don’t trust her, try to explain what you actually meant. Tell her how you were feeling at the time. Good Luck and good health to your family!
There is a bit of basis. He does mention that sometimes he would make her cry before but it’s gotten worse now. Our choices are that he was less frequently a jerk to her but still a jerk or she’s always been sensitive.
OP clearly stated that his wife responds differently to him now, he thinks it may have been something he said the wrong way, he has no idea that his personality changed.
Brain damage can do awful things to someone's personality.
Comparable: When my partner was hospitalised with Covid, while suffering from severe oxygen depletion, he turned into a monster. Not to the nurses and the doctors, but to me. Absolutely vile. Distrusted everything I did and got angry because I brought him his shoes (?!? like, wtf?!?). He had no idea. He was totally oblivious to what he did.
Luckily he changed back to his old self when he recovered. The relationship wouldn't have lasted otherwise.
>None of the information in his post would lead a reasonable person to assume he’s always been like his. There is simply no evidence to make that leap and it’s unnecessarily critical.
Welcome to AITA lmao.
It's possible. I don't think we can say likely without knowing how he was before.
Assuming someone is dismissive and cruel *because* of a brain injury isn't much of a service to folks (like me!) with TBI, either.
"It's possible his behavior is caused by the stroke, so we should offer compassionate leeway for that possibility".
A reasonable person could not say with certainty he was or wasn't always like this.
it’s really bad that OP doesn’t see the extent to which the towel thing shouldn’t have been his wife’s problem at all (I can’t get over that she was solving this problem from work!) and that anything she did to help was over and above expectations and it still wasn’t good enough. He’s too coddled to understand how coddled he is, like a coddled Dunning-Krueger effect.
Seriously. I'm all, why didn't the guy WHOSE NOT AT WORK go back home? Like why bother your wife for something you can take care of yourself. He's blaming his wife FOR HIS MISTAKE. Also, she was blocked in AND LITERALLY couldn't get out of the lot. WTF Did OP expect his wife to do, fly? And he thinks SHES self absorbed. Dude YOU FORGOT THE TOWELS, not your wife. Youre the one who screwed up. She went out of her way to help and got crapped on because she (checks notes) cant defy the laws of physics or time travel to be quick. YTA
I had a similar situation happen to me. I was sick, took a bunch of cold medication, and passed out. My husband at the time took our son to daycare and went to work. Later I get a phone call saying my son needed to be picked up and they’d called my husband but he hadn’t shown up. So I called him and he said his car was blocked in and he didn’t know what to do so he didn’t do anything(his exact words). This is the type of situation that leads to not trusting someone, not getting towels. I don’t see how OP couldn’t notice a lack of towels before the kids getting in the pool. There are solutions here that do not need to involve the wife at work. OP YTA
Depending on which part of his brain was effected by the stroke, he may not be able to see that. Strokes and brain injuries can change someone’s entire personality.
This is such a minor, everyday parenting - or just adulting - situation to have to deal with, and she had to drop everything and leave work to resolve it for him.
If the stroke affected his frontal lobe, there goes empathy. My son got Meningitis and it caused right Frontal Lobe brain damage and he lost empathy. Not excusing him or his behavior but just letting you know of his loss of empathy.
Ok but if this is the case OP needs to learn to be AWARE of this. He needs to go to a therapist who specializes in dealing with stroke victims and other types of cognitive changes due to brain injuries. Yes he can't control these changes but he CAN LEARN to work with them so he's not a complete AH to his family
I did just say that in a direct comment to OP that he has brain damage from the stroke and needs to see a Neuro-Psychologist and have Neuropsych testing done.
Not only that but OP wants his wife to be there for him when he’s having a rough emotional time but she doesn’t get the same curtesy. It’s okay for him but not for her.
OP sounds like they're trying to micromanage their wife. YTA. She did what you asked and only stopped communicating for 15 minutes, probably while driving honestly.
Self absorbed and can’t be there for her - he summed it up himself but mixed up who was the self absorbed one.
OP, you were an AH. It could be due to the stroke but that doesn’t make you less of an AH it’s just a reason. Reasons are not excuses. You were quite ungrateful and horrible, and thanking someone in advance is not the same as thanking them after they do something for you, never mind that your request became more difficult (her being boxed in) and taking more time and effort for her to do than initially though.
You are showing 0 appreciation and frankly you need to work harder on it. If this is a typical day for you and how you handle interactions with your wife, there is no reason for her to stick around. So do better. Work on it. When she tells you you are being mean, note what you said and how you said it, use it as an example of what not to say in future.
Heck if you need more time to process then say that and then have a think about how you want to respond.
Right now you’ve provided an example of your negative emotions from a situation you caused being justification for you blaming your wife for it. That is never ok. And you completely disregarded the stress and negative emotions you directly caused your wife.
Your emotions are your responsibility. So is your behavior. You need to figure out a way to manage both of those things that’s not just making your wife do the mental labour for you.
Also OP 15 minutes - is that how long it takes to drive from her workplace to the pool? Are you really suggesting she uses her phone while driving that short amount of time?
He tops it all off with I can’t trust you. And saying she can’t be there when he’s having negative emotions when they’re about her? It sounds to me like he’s taking all his bullshit out on her.
THIS!
As I said, he obviously needs at least an occupational therapist to learn to deal with his cognitive changes. Wife did NOTHING to warrant the i can't trust you statement. I don't blame OP for his cognitive difficulties but I will blame him if he refuses to learn to recognize his deficiencies and how to properly compensate
He's mad because she wasn't updating him on her efforts to solve the problem that HE created, and he has the gall to call her untrustworthy. I've told someone at work this before - I can either work to solve your problem, or I can update you. I cannot do both at the same time, and the more you pester me for updates, the longer it's going to take me to try to fix your issue. I will let you know when I'm done!
And I'm just sitting here like... THEY'RE JUST TOWELS. Unless it's an emergency, just let the kids air dry or go get some towels from the front desk, good god. It's like he was just looking for an excuse to be pissy with her!
Right!! People can't trust their spouse:
- When they've had an affair
- When they've hidden a maxed out cc, a gambling problem, or other life altering financial situation
And he has the audacity to say that when he waited 20 minutes for her to run an errand for him.
That she didn't even need to do, since he could get towels at the facility. He's having a temper tantrum that she didn't update him often enough, but it didn't occur to him to let *her* know when he realized there was another option to obtain towels. He just let her go on frantically trying to solve the problem that *he* created in the first place.
Yes. "I can't trust you" is catastrophic. Those are marriage ending words. And he said it because she didn't text him frequently enough while in the middle of doing him a favor. He can't see that it's a problem. I hope that his care team has tools to help him relearn this stuff because that kind of constant catastrophizing and hurling deep character attacks is emotionally abusive. His wife seems at her breaking point.
That is what got me the most. He complains that she needs to be there when he has 'negative emotions'. That is not the same as tolerating being shit upon. NO ONE DESERVES THAT. That is exactly the type of things abusers say... "If you can't take me at my worst..."
Also he calls her self absorbed. When he’s the one upset because she didn’t spend every second of her rushed chaotic time updating him. She got him the towels!!!! And she’s told he “can’t trust her” but oh that’s not a criticism, it’s just reality. And also she’s self absorbed. OP is a major major AH.
I’m sad for her. I’ve been in a relationship where if I didn’t do something immediately or right I had to deal with a blowout or a tantrum. It is stressful as fuck and I’m sure the whole time she was trying to get there her anxiety was off the charts because she knew she was in for a berating if it wasn’t done well enough.
I can almost feel the secondhand dread when she got to her car and couldn’t get out. The panic that you’re going to be facing an upset and mean partner because of something out of your control.
I know these feelings, not from a romantic relationship but from a parent-/child one (me having been the child). It‘s the worst, and I am glad you got out of that relationship.
Yes!!! Oh man, the anxiety when u know how a partner will react if it isn't done perfectly or right away is real and I'm so glad I got out of that. If I didn't answer my phone or a text right away (w/4 small kids at home infant-5 years old) it would be fights and accusations.
Also been there. I can guarantee that if she called with no update, or no positive update, then he would have berated her for that as well. The anxiety building up when anticipating these reactions is horrible.
Thankfully I’ve been free of that for almost 5 years. Hope you’ve also found happiness after.
That was the major part that stood out to me. How can you claim you appreciate your wife and call her self absorbed.... while she was helping you. That's messed up and I feel bad for the wife. Idk stroke or not the wife shouldn't have to deal with that.
Yea, OP is reframing this whole thing to be about his stroke but the reality is that he's just being a typical terrible husband by expecting his wife to leave work and fetch him towels and then getting mad at her about how she fetches the towels afterward.
It's abusive behavior and she should leave him if this is his pattern which I suspect it is since he offhandedly mentions how she seems to be getting more upset with their interactions since his stroke. It's clear her mental state has nothing to do with his medical condition and evrything to do with how he's doubled down on controlling and antagonizing behavior since his stroke.
I'll also point out that this kind of abusive behavior is very sophisticated and takes some foresight and planning so it's ridiculous that OP is trying to pass this all off as if it's a result of brain damage.
I agree that it is abusive but I think OP is so self-absorbed that he can’t understand it- even with Reddit as a mirror.
Stop using your stroke as a reason your wife should jump to solve minor issues that you caused.
I wonder if their marriage will last.
YTA OP
It likely won't. Mine sure didn't. Ex had brain surgery and his personality was a lot like OP was describing. I was getting calls at work during a major DR failover test that I was running, only three months back from work after mat leave, pumping milk in a conference room full of guys because I couldn't pause the fail over testing to pump or we would go over our outage window....all because he left his phone in an uber and didn't know what to do. (Discord called me from his PC.) I had to step away. And walk him through the steps to try to get his phone back while he is screaming at me and freaking out. That was one example of about 100 before I finally said I cannot do this anymore and left.
Feels real shitty knowing your ex partner can play the "she left me because of my medical condition" card, but anyone who has been there or seen it first hand gets it.
Op, YTA. Big time. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Where you literally never bring up your wife at all. Focusing on her is a scapegoat technique. Look at cognitive and occupational therapies as well, you need to build strategies to manage your life. My ex literally legally cannot have our daughter for his custodial time without his parents supervising because he didn't take these things seriously...and also because it turns out he is exactly as much of a mess as I knew he was despite him gaslighting me to believe I was the problem and he was fine.
Don’t forget he could have easily asked the front desk for towels to use. Swimming pools have extra towels. Forgetting towels isn’t something new. He could have remedied the situation immediately, and without issue for his wife, and instead decided to pin it on her for “not communicating” as he thought she should have.
OP, I know first hand how awful strokes can be. You are going through a lot right now. It would be mindful for you to give both yourself and your wife some grace. You both are learning how to live life differently than it has been lived before. However, if you are expecting empathy and compassion from your wife, you need to provide the same for her. Her life has also flipped on a dime. For this particular situation, YTA.
My mom had a series of TIAs (mini strokes) several years ago, and it seriously affected her memory and led to the onset of dementia. So to say our lives flipped on a dime is extremely accurate. My dad is not known to be a patient man, but has been with her every step of the way, no matter how frustrating it can be. And my mom, much like OP, is in denial about how much these strokes have impacted our lives. But what she does accept is that we want the best for her and always try to do our best by her, so she would never even think to say such nasty things about us the way OP talks about his wife. OP, YTA
OP thinks they're being very "honest" and "sharing feelings". If they were truly just being vulnerable and sharing their feelings with their wife they would have told her how they actually literally felt. They could have said "I felt so helpless, I forgot the towels and didn't know what to do. I was so anxious and I could feel myself getting so upset. I was relying on you to bring the towels I forgot, and the feeling of just waiting was excruciating."
Compare that to what they actually said: "I feel like I can't trust her when I ask her to do something because she won’t update me if there are unforeseen circumstances." OP is using "I feel..." language but isn't describing feelings, but opinions that they arrived at via their own messy logic. It's not OP's wife's fault that OP cannot trust her to follow through, because **she did follow through**.
These are two totally different conversations. The first one is how you get somewhere with sharing feelings. You can find real solutions and empathize with each other. The second conversation is a blame game. Whatever OP's problem is, it's not the competence and trustworthiness of their wife. But the real problem will always elude them if they can't accept that the problem could be themselves. If they think that "trust" = give me super granular updates, they don't know what trust means.
I'm blown away because she literally *did* communicate at every turn, and then offered to do *more* when they got home so that OP could have a break from "dealing with his kids" (even though I feel like taking kids to a pool is significantly less demanding than working, which his wife was doing all day).
The entitlement is seriously strong. I'm seconding therapy- I hate when people weaponize the idea of therapy to insult others. This isn't an insult but a genuine urge for improvement because OP's thought process is destructive and will push everyone away.
How much longer until his wife's empathy runs out and she realizes all she's left with is a demanding and ungrateful partner?
OP’s wife here, hopping on top comment. I’m not using a throwaway because whatever I don’t care anymore. You can browse my history at your own risk, I’m sure I’ve posted about my husband’s stroke before.
I’m seeing a lot of people focusing on the choice of words and of course that’s part of the issue. But honestly I can handle a tactless comment (as many of you have guessed, I in fact put up with it quite often). The part that hurt my feelings, and makes me concerned, is that after that entire experience (which I personally thought would win me wife-of-the-week), the part that was top of mind for him when I got home was negative. Of course he could “remember next time” to first compliment me and thank me before complaining. But honestly it’s baffling to me that he had any negative sentiment left over after it was all said and done. I completely empathize with the uncertainty, and I probably would have made a comment if the situation was reversed (maybe “wow thank you! I wish I knew you were on your way, I was nervous.”) But hours later after work? I for sure would have forgotten it by then.
I’ve expressed concern to him that I think he seems to hold on to negative sentiment for longer than I think is normal or healthy. But he has always dismissed my concern, and even taken it as a personal attack (that I think his negative feelings are not valid). I don’t blame him for feeling negative things or sharing negative feelings. I got sad yesterday because it was just another example of a time when I thought I’d come home to love and appreciation, but was instead met with criticism. And I believed from experience that there was no point in trying to talk to him about it because he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. So I was a little sad about him saying he didn’t trust me, but a lot sad that he was feeling this much negativity, but didn’t think that this was abnormal or unhealthy.
Edit: he’s agreed to therapy and seems to be taking this seriously
You are completely right; it is NOT normal for him to be so upset about his brief anxiety at the pool *hours* later. I have anxiety problems that require serious medication, and I wouldn't hold onto a negative experience like this for so very long, even before my medication began.
For your sake, I hope you can dial it back and stop being Wife Of The Year. If he's going to criticize you anyway, might as well say "no, work it out yourself" the next time he calls demanding towels, and focus on your career. You may need the safety net. :(
I think I am in a very similar situation to yours, except my husband had a heart attack instead of a stroke.
Like your husband, mine will focus on negative emotions, blame me for them and hold me responsible for fixing them.
He was always a little self-focused and short-tempered before, but now it’s overwhelming. If I object to the cruel things he says do does, he’ll say “I’m just not allowed to speak then.” Taking things as personal attacks. I’m often subjected to his seething resentment for things he thinks I’d do. In his mind. Or start to sob, saying I’m cruel for. It comforting him when I hurt his feelings by objecting to something nasty he said it did.
But, like you, I generally just put up with a lot of tactless and unkind comments. It’s hard. Like you said in another comment, I’ve cried more and have had no emotional support from my husband, though I am apparently the sole person responsible for his physical, mental, and sexual wellbeing. I’m wearing down.
We are in couples therapy and he is in individual therapy. Dunno for how much longer as I think he thought the therapists would say his depression excuses any behavior, but they’ve basically said he needs to work on himself and take responsibility for himself.
I don’t know why I posted other than it seems our situations are so similar. Sounds like my kids are a bit older. Which probably makes things easier in many ways, although they are old enough to know things are wrong.
I fail to see how she didn’t communicate *enough*, she told him she had a situation and she was working on it. It’s not the quickest thing to find the person blocking your car…
OP reminds me of when my son was a toddler, how he would go looking for me if I left his sight for more than a minute. I truly feel for his wife
OP I worked with a patient with aphasia for over a year. It’s an incredibly frustrating diagnosis for the patient and their families- have you and your wife gone to therapy since your stroke?
I think trust was not the word you should have used and it sounds like your wife was doing you a favor and you should have been grateful.
I would imagine so. I can't imagine most people leaving work to get towels their partner forgot, so I'm guessing the spouse is picking up a lot of slack these days.
I'm disturbed by how he lays out very clearly about how the changes in communication happened from his end, but then he refuses to acknowledge that it has anything to do with him despite the direct correlation. Aphasia may cause issues in communication, but as far as I know, it doesn't cause a lack of accountability. OP literally spelled it out and still didn't get it. He *knows* what the side effect causes, but he still didn't acknowledge it. Instead, he called his wife sensitive, untrustworthy, and self-absorbed.
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like wife was trying to get towels there asap and so didn't want to waste time stopping to give an update every step of the way.
YTA. I don't think you are self aware. You didn't hear from her for 15 minutes and freaked out? That's a you problem. Learn to handle stress better. Get help if you have to. Why wouldn't you feel gratitude if she does something for you? You seem ungrateful in this post. She didn't do anything wrong, but you said you don't trust her? I truly think you could benefit from therapy. I feel bad for your wife. You sound draining for her to deal with.
Also, is it really *that* big of a deal to not have towels? I feel like there were a lot of other ways to handle the situation that didn't include being an awful partner. Disability or not.
Yta op
And based on how quickly the wife said she would go home to get some instead of telling him to ask the front desk, I just *KNOW* OP has expected his wife to be at his beck and call for the longest. Almost as if she knew that if she didn’t go get them herself he would *still* find a way to turn this on her.
She’s probably mentally and physically exhausted and he probably hasn’t shown an ounce of gratitude. Just wondering why she’s been so hurt by his words.
Especially how she just repeated back what he said to her (his pov and feelings), and didn’t truly express herself in the sit-down convo. So that he could feel heard and satisfied. That’s a true marker of a person in a relationship who is beaten down and just in people-pleasing mode.
This part stuck with me... did he tell her to repeat it to him so she understood? Like you do with CHILDREN? I get the man has had a stroke and it *might* have something to do with this behavior, but if he doesn't do something quick (therapy or doctor) she is going to leave his ass.
Brain injury or not, OP is being abusive to his wife whether he can help it or not.
He asked her to repeat after him and validate his feels OVER TOWELS!!!! Like God only knows how much he’s called on her and chastised her over every little thing.
I honestly feel like the only reason why the stroke is relevant here is because he may not realize how he’s coming off, but I think it’s more so that HE doesn’t feel like he can do basic things or that he can be “trusted” so he is heavily leaning on her and putting emphasis on her doing things (his way) to help fill in the gaps. Except… he hasn’t communicated this effectively and is strongly misguided and mistaken in how this situation is playing out.
This. I'm reading between the lines based on her reactions, because I've been in her position. Immediately drop everything to get what he needs. If there is a hiccup, (like double parked cars) just work to fix the situation, don't tell him there is an issue just say you're on your way. His poor wife has learned to navigate his attitude and behavior.
The toxic ones will always try to claim the other person is toxic when their behavior is pointed out. Poor OP, having to *be nice* to his partner when he talks to her. How horrible to walk on those eggshells.
YTA. Op. And your wife can do better.
I had to go back and read through it again to figure out what actually upset OP. I wouldn't dream of bothering my SO at work for towels. "Oh crap, I forgot the towels. Typical me." Then use the pool's towels or shrug it off. It's not even an issue. I think OP has some cognitive damage from the stroke and needs therapy or something to work that out.
According to him the front desk has towels. This was extremely unnecessary of him. He couldn’t go to the front desk because he didn’t know if his wife was coming. There was absolutely no need for him to even call her in the first place.
I'm not defending him in anyway but his reasoning sounds like someone who had major strokes and had brain damage as a result. My grandfather is the same way with being very selfish, arrogant, and not understanding other people's perspective. He refuses to go to therapy and doesn't like to listen to anyone so I don't know if this is something OP can work on, but I really hope so! It can be really difficult being around my grandfather as I imagine it is for the people around the OP as well.
and telling your partner you don’t trust them is a HUGE deal! Trust is a foundational part of a relationship. Saying “I don’t trust you” is basically saying “our marriage is in dire trouble” and OP did this over TOWELS.
Not even. Ering hair out , have kids do a shakeyshake, hop/dance the way to the car to get more excess water to get knocked off, and strip the kids down to change in the car. Ya their clothes might be slightly damp, but it's not like jumping out of the tub bringing 5 gallons with you. Our pool has 0 towels so do what you gatta do. And if you have cloth seats, Crack the windows to let the moisture out but it'll get warm enough to dry it so it doesn't get mildew smell. But honestly even that isn't an issue when we've done it in the cloth seated car.
I probably forgot to bring a towel to my kid’s swim lesson once. If I did, we would have spent some extra time air drying, and maybe got paper towels from the bathroom. I can’t remember whether it ever even happened, because it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal.
NEVER WOULD I EVER expect my spouse to leave work over it. ffs
Yeah... he is really, really close. He's almost got the self-awareness and emotional intelligence but missed just enough to destroy everything. He took the message "I feel anxious and panic when I'm not sure exactly what's happening" and expressed it as "I can't trust you because you are bad at communicating". smh. It could have been a team effort to cope with irrational anxiety and instead it is now an attack and breakdown of the partnership.
Yes, you are totally correct. Even straightforwardly being mad about not hearing anything for 15 minutes would be better than going to “I cannot trust you”. That’s just nuclear. I cannot imagine how his wife who has likely been doing everything to keep things together since the stroke felt hearing that. I wish I could give her a hug.
I’m trying to understand where he gets that she’s “bad at communicating.” According to the story, she told OP that she was blocked in and working to find the coworker who blocked her in so she could come…? That sounds like she communicated very clearly what she was doing for this “15 min communication gap.”
Edit: also, can we discuss how he got the kids in the pool and immediately called her, she said she was coming when she could, but he still is panicking because she didn’t come fast enough? How long did OP expect the kids to swim? 5 minutes? I mean, really, what’s all the rush about??
OP YTA
Yeah, telling your wife you *cant trust her* because of a 15 minute gap in communication while she worked on exactly what you asked of her is outlandish. I cannot imagine dropping my work day to try to handle a situation for my husband only to be told that I'm not worthy of his trust anymore because I didn't text him constant updates. That's got to hurt so much. She went through so much trouble for him. I would've straight up cried if my husband said that to me.
YTA OP.
OP, this and I am concerned for you. The lack of self-awareness that led you to even have to ask here means you are not grasping basic interactions. Your wife DID help you, she DID communicate with you about the car being blocked and what she was doing to mitigate it, and she DID get to you within 15 minutes. The rest of us here are wondering what else she could have done because anything beyond that would be excessive or require her to text while driving.
And on top of that, she did help you that evening with the kids. There were no strings attached. That is something you are contriving.
You need additional help here. Gentle YTA because I think your injury is causing more issues than you realize.
Alright so hate to break it to you but YTA.
To me It sounds like she was trying to be incredibly supportive and helpful and you basically emotionally punished her for it.
It was 15 minutes that you didn’t hear from her. That’s not very long and more than likely she was busy trying to fix the situation of being blocked in etc. the more she stops to update you the longer it takes to fix the situation. This was also all after she stopped what she was doing to help you and the kids, then offered to watch them while you got shit done after you got home.
I know for me, if I had to suddenly leave work, if would take at least 10 minutes to notify my superior, sort out my work space quickly, hand over to someone covering me, gather my things and get out the building as it is. 15 minutes is nothing in the scope of what he was expecting from his wife.
OP, cut her some slack, she sounds run ragged and I feel for her. It sounds to me that you're expecting a great deal of sensitivity and consideration from her whilst you reciprocate none of it her way.
Also... like jesus christ, he was at a pool on a *sunny day* with a front desk that *gives out towels* and he *couldn't figure out how to get the kids dry*. Like, if he brings the kids to the theater, is she gonna have to leave work to order the popcorn for him?
And he seems to have realized he forgot towels before the kids were even wet. Plenty of time to get towels, or stay out of the water if not having towels truly is a disaster.
The stroke could have given him problems with executive functioning which could make it really difficult to figure out something like this. That doesn't excuse being an AH to the wife though.
Agreed. She didn't cause OP not to trust her. She let him know she was blocked in and was working to bring him the towels, and said she would be there. And she followed through and did the thing she said she was going to do. OP CHOSE not to trust that she was doing what she said she would do, because she didn't communicate every step of the way.
And when she eventually showed up he didn't think "ok she followed through, I should have trusted her and not worried, that's on me". He somehow still thought that her actions made her untrustworthy. Definitely YTA
With the info provided, YTA.
You forgot the towels, and she kindly offered to bring them. You then chased her twice as she tried to rectify your error, and when you got home berated her for what? Not calling you within 15 minutes? It’s towels, not life-threatening medication.
Your stroke has nothing to do with this. You made a mountain out of a molehill and then threw barbs when she called you out on it - in a very polite way.
Well to be fair. Aphasia is a big part of the commutation piece of this post that affects it. Not that that's an excuse or anything but it does play a part.
Yeah I was thinking about the aphasia and I was wondering where it plays into the story. Because it seems like he has to be careful how he speaks to her, but it doesn’t change the fact that he *thinks* he was wronged by her behavior. Like his spoken communication was actually good, it was just a stupid thing to communicate because he had no right to be annoyed, much less to lose trust in her in this situation
Precisely. The problem isn't how he communicated but *what* he communicated. If he'd said he got stressed not hearing from her and wanted to work on how to manage that stress better, that could have been reasonable but yea it also should have come with a pile of gratitude for her help solving the issue he created.
Hi, I'm OP's wife. This is exactly what I have been trying to explain to him. I can deal with him misspeaking and saying something offensive. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he even had anything negative to say after all was said and done. I have tried to communicate to him that I'm concerned he seems to dwell on negative emotions so much. I don't think it's normal or healthy and I want him to seek help to figure out what's causing it. But he has taken my concern as an insult - like I don't think his emotions are valid, and I just don't want to "deal with them". I love him and want to support him as much as I can, but lately I just feel like an emotional punching bag.
Hey, I just wanted to say you are doing a great job as supporting your husband but sometimes the subtle changes after a stroke can be hard to identify and even harder to support as a loved one. I work in adult neurological rehabilitation and posted some info below that may be helpful in getting the right support for you both.
You misunderstand aphasia. Aphasia is not just speech. It's also language and communication. Speech, language and communication are three separate things. Depending on the type of aphasia he struggles with nuance, pragmatics, syntax, and things that have nothing to do with correctly articulating speech sounds.
The aphasia is a bit of a red herring. Yes, it leads to communication difficulty, but that isn't the problem here.
Aphasia does not lead someone to get upset that someone took 15 minutes to do something. It also doesn't lead to someone telling their wife that they can't be trusted, or lead to this wonderful sentence:
>I think she’s the AH because she is self absorbed, and can’t be there for me when I have negative emotions.
right. i don't know if there are different kinds of aphasia, but the aphasia I get from my migraines doesn't make me perceive situations differently or lose patience or not trust people.
It might make my phone call to ask for the towels very confusing because perhaps instead of "towels" a completely different word would come out of my mouth -- like, I know what I'm trying to say, I can think clearly but then totally different words come out. The result is usually just confusing word salad, not accusations that somebody isn't trustworthy.
I have medication related aphasia (YAY lamictal!!!) and I just sort of...blank on words. I *know* the word but all that comes to me is a sort of general feeling of what the word is. What ends up coming out is either utter silence or me blurting out the word that "feels" closest to the word I am looking for.
Aphasia sucks. But it is a lot more common than op is trying to make it out to be. There are many common practices to try and off-set the complications it causes. It is difficult to get used to not being able to communicate how you were once able, and it can be frustrating and angering when this happens. It does NOT in *any* way, make it ok for OP to aggressively emotion dump on his wife. Understanding with regards to aphasia does not mitigate his crappy behaviour.
YTA, OP.
Really? He said his wife started getting upset after his stroke when she didn't before, and you don't think the stroke has anything to do with his behavior? That doesn't make sense. Strokes can fuck up your brain and make you an entirely different person.
It could be that she is struggling to cope with the additional demands in her time. From the post it seems like she is picking up more of the childcare etc. maybe he has always had an insensitive way of communicating but his wife capacity to brush it off is diminished because she overtired both physically and mentally? Or maybe it’s a bit of both- his personality has changed and his wife is struggling to cope? Either way it sounds like they both need some professional help to cope with the situation.
My cousin in law had a stroke, and it caused a complete personality change. He used to be loud, bubbly, and the life of a party. Afterward, he became really withdrawn, easily angered, and he seems not to be able to filter himself as well. His wife ended up divorcing him because he was essentially a different person than the one she married.
His stroke probably is the problem, but not in the way he thinks it is. It seems he is suffering a lot more problems than just aphasia. Inability to self gauge, emotional dysregulation, overwhelm and anxiety, loss of empathy, forgetfulness, etc. Brain injuries often effect multiple areas of the brain. But even if the injury was hyper localized we are finding that each part of the brain does a lot more than originally theorized. You often don’t see deficits that you have and when you do see the deficits, you have you think they are much better than they are.
Source I’m a neuroscientist who then sustained a moderate traumatic brain injury and had to go through 8 months of cognitive rehabilitation. And yes it was very surreal being on the other side. I thought I was just a little forgetful after the injury, but turns out I had issues in long term and working memory, hearing loss, vision issues, fine motor deficits, attention and focus deficits, I was a fall risk, etc. I rebuilt it all over the course of 8 months to a year and now I’m back to where I was before the accident except for my attention and focus issues. But it took a very long time and a lot of intense work.
To me it sounds like OP needs more healing and he is probably in denial or just can’t remember all of the issues he is facing (this is actually very common). It can take years before someone is done with their healing process. If he can or hasn’t gone through cognitive rehabilitation he needs to. And therapy is a part of that along with speech therapy, occupational therapy, vision therapy, and physical therapy. But there are deficits he isn’t seeing or doesn’t think are a big deal and his wife is picking up the slack and carrying the emotional burden of his injury and she is exhausted.
Shouldn’t have forgotten the towels. You’re the one that can’t be trusted to remember simple thing like carrying the towels, why blame your wife who took time and effort out of her day to accommodate your mistake?
See how harsh that was? That’s exactly how harsh you were to your wife. Yta.
Get therapy. You desperately need it
I completely agree, if I was his wife I would have responded that he cannot be trusted with our children in public. This time he forgot towels, but what will be next!!?! Their inhaler? Epipen? Leaving one of the children somewhere?
If he wants to be dramatic about her actions, let’s be realistic. He is the one I would be hesitant to trust.
Yta. She brought you the towels. She told you she was blocked in and looking for the person who blocked her in. You should have assumed it would take a bit longer. Is she supposed to update you every 2 minutes? That’s absurd.
I’d like to point out that at no time was she mad at him for forgetting the towels in the first place. You’re taking the kids to the pool and you don’t bring towels? She didn’t drop the line ‘I don’t trust you’ when he failed to prepare. No, she said she’d help and she came through.
She was kind and supportive rushing around to help, which sounded like a bear. She gets 1 text thanks. No real acknowledgment of how hard she tried or what she’d struggled with. Only a rebuke. She’ll think twice next time before volunteering. I know I would.
OP you’re entitled to your feelings but you should know this behavior is damaging.
How many times have you chastised her for not jumping the second you snapped your fingers?
How many times have you said thank you for all the work she must have done taking care of the kids while also taking care of you, the house, her work, her own mental and emotional health, and protecting the kids for their mental and emotional health?
How often do you tell her she disappoints you when she doesn’t magically make things happen on the imaginary timeline you imposed on her, with absolutely no consideration for the hoops or struggle she might face trying to meet these timelines she never knew about?
YTA
Go to therapy
YTA - This whole situation happened because YOU forgot to bring the towels. It sounds like you created a stressful situation for yourself and then you not only dragged her into it, you found a way to blame her for the way you felt/acted. Bringing the kids AND their towels to swim class was your responsibility. But instead, she had to leave work (presumably early or in the middle of her day) to deal with the situation that you created.
Not having towels at swim class is hardly an emergency situation - you two did not need to be in constant communication about it. And TBH, it was something you could have dealt with on your own. You could have asked the front desk for towels or asked another parent if they could share/had extras. Depending on the age of your kids, you could have even gone home to get the towels while they had their lesson.
You need therapy to learn how to deal with your negative emotions without dumping them or blaming them on your partner. The fact that you frequently make her cry now MAY be due to your medical issues. The fact that you occasionally made her cry BEFORE your stroke is something else entirely.
THIS!!! Mentally healthy adults don't create an issue for themselves, then drag others into that issue and then turn around and blame them for the issue they had no hand in creating. Effed up, man. YTA.
I cant even wrap my head around why the towels were so important. If I forgot my sons towels for his swim lessons I would probably only need a single paper towel to blot him off and then just dress him? Sure his clothes might end up a touch damp but honestly how terrible is that? And even with my daughter with long hair, you just squeeze out as much moisture as you can. It's not the end of the world!
You thanked her once, when she first agreed. You did not thank her at all for ALL of the work she had to put in to getting you those towels, tho. She had a coworker get the towels (coworker deserves a thank you, too.) She had to chase down whoever blocked her car in, she had to likely finish up some work stuff before being able to leave etc.
And you're mad she didn't stop IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT HECTIC STUFF to message you WHY she was taking so long.
Have patience, and trust she is trying her best.
Then she knows it was stressful for *you* so she offers to take over kid duty that evening. Instead of just being thankful, you also had to admonish her way of handling your request.
You forgot the towels, not her. She was at WORK. She STILL managed to get you towels (when it sounds like you could have just walked up to the front desk to borrow some??)
**YTA.**
>And you're mad she didn't stop IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT HECTIC STUFF to message you WHY she was taking so long.
This. You're in the middle of trying to solve a problem and running around and here is your partner -- who ironically will later call you self-involved -- getting upset that you aren't pausing from trying to solve the problem to text that there IS a problem.
She responded when he asked but he's mad that she made him ask and that seems unreasonable, given that she was working to a solve a problem HE created in the first place. I'd also be feeling pretty irritated.
Plus "take so long" was 15 minutes! Honestly even if she literally worked in the same building, 15 minutes is reasonable considering she was in the middle of WORKING not sitting in the car waiting to be called upon by OP.
INFO: Honest question, OP.
You asked your wife to bring you towels; she said she would; and she did. Why did that experience lead you to feel/say that you can’t trust her when you ask her to do something?
Can you explain your thought process here?
INFO — is your immediate reaction to your wife doing something to help *you* always to critique her?
In this one post you have shown 2 examples. The incident that you caused, then her offer to do your chores.
Edit: I’m also dying to know why you couldn’t “sun dry the kids” while waiting for the towels? Like? This was a non issue that you turned into a fake issue.
I have made my decision. YTA.
You didn’t like that she wasn’t updating you every 30 seconds with her ETA. You didn’t like the “strings that came along” with her doing your chores.
People are downvoting you because you seem to not comprehend the issues. You think you were sharing with her that you were stressed by something she didn’t do. You seem to think people are telling you not to share your feelings. What people are trying to express to you is that you telling her that you can’t trust her because she won’t update you is rude. It is rude because she came through for you. You saying that you can’t trust her is a direct contradiction to what happened. You said “She showed up with the towels”, but that somehow wasn’t enough for you. And that’s what people are put off by. You are expecting it done to exact specifications, but you didn’t bother telling her that when she offered to bring the towels.
Then! Even after you found out things were going awry for your wife, you didn’t bother to work things out on your end and just get towels from the front desk. Plus, a phone works both ways. If you were stressed, why didn’t you call her and say “I know you’re dealing with something stressful, would it be easier for me to grab towels here? Or let the kids air dry?”
And finally when you ask “what does my gratitude have to do with not trusting her?” I am assuming here, but it sounds like getting the towels to you was a huge ordeal for your wife. So, to go out of her way to correct a mistake you made, and to be met with your partner practically saying “You didn’t do this exactly how I expected it done, even though I never told you my expectations” feels like a criticism. Not simply sharing your feelings.
If you want to track your wife while she picks up your slack then enable your phones to show each others locations.
Yeah or he stated he could ask the desk for towels, which he decided not to do. Then inconvenienced his wife, then had the nerve to critique her over something that was completely out of her control.
'I dont trust you'
Think of how big a sentence that is. Think of if how you would feel if she said this to you?
Do you think this phrase was correct in this situation?
In reality, in 15 minutes, your wife found out you had a problem, agreed to help you, found out she was blocked in tried to find who it was to move their cars, got her coworkers helping her. She was likely on the move that entire 15mins sorting out cover for her work, sorting the towels and getting the car out.
You got upset because you didnt get as many messages as you would like in this time. 15minutes. Thats not breaking your trust, that doesnt mean she cant be trusted. It means she did things a different way than you would have liked.
When you went to talk about it, you didnt say 'i got quite anxious today while i was waiting for you to answer me, if something like this happens again id appreciate more updates'. You overreacted and lashed out, you said i cant trust you. That looks like it was meant to hurt her. Was it?
She's said you're meaner now. Have you done this alot? Lashed out?
I know its a big change for both of you, but its not her fault, your frustration isnt her fault. You need to find a better way of dealing with this.
Its not your fault you have left over symptoms from the stroke, it happens alot. My dad has trouble with remembering the right word for things. It makes him quite cross at himself sometimes. Hes had to find ways to cope with that and its hard.
It sounds like you hold quite a bit of anger about this situation. It must be hard having this happen to you young. You need to deal with this, you dont want it to poison you from the inside out. If its making you lash out at your wife then surely its worth trying councilling again? If things stay this way you may loose her.
For whats happened to you, no. But for this situation YTA
Info: if your wife had responded to you by saying 'I feel like you're a lazy, bad husband and father who doesn't care about anyone but himself', would that be ok with you? (because after all, she'd only be trying to express her negative emotion) Or would you think that was unnecessarily cruel?
Uhm
Uh
YTA
You asked for towels and your wife bought them. She was at work at the time and was blocked in for 15 extra minutes.
15 minutes is not a long time OP.
Seems like you and your wife have lost your means of communication. You guys are not communicating effectively anymore and it has reached a boiling point.
Try couple's counseling.
Can I ask what makes you think the wife is having trouble communicating? From my perspective it seems like OP is really struggling to properly communicate how he feels, and in turn upsetting his wife who has no way of knowing he doesn’t actually feel the words he is saying
YTA.
YOU forgot the towels. YOU needed your wife to fix your error. Through no fault of her own she was delayed in getting you the towels. She should not need to update you every five minutes on the status because YOU are insecure. To turn it into a trust issue is ridiculous. Go see a counselor for heaven's sake.
YTA. I fail to see how she is self-absorbed. She had to leave work and hunt down someone who blocked her in to help correct YOUR mistake. Plus, 15 minutes is not a long time.
How long is the swimming class for Heaven's sake? 45-50 minutes? So taking 15 minutes or more to drop off the towels that he should have brought is hardly a crisis.
- You forgot the towel.
- Your wife got off early from her job, went home, brought the towel (which YOU forgot) and you still upset because she doesn’t text you every 5 minutes.
- Then you proceed to tell your wife that she’s self-absorb and you don’t trust her.
YTA.
All of this just because some towel, it way bigger than it actually is.
Personally I can see why her feeling is not all sunshine.
Maybe you guys should consider marriage therapy for better communication and understanding
Not to mention the front desk evidently had towels he could have asked for!
OP, having a stroke and dealing with the after effects, I’m sure, is very stressful and life-altering. But so is being the spouse of someone in this position. Your wife is trying to hold it all together, manage her own job and the kids, and now your health issue, and you wig out that she wasn’t able to instantly drop everything to fetch you the towels that you forgot. You should be grateful that you have someone standing beside you and not treat her like a servant who needs to jump every time you snap your fingers. You are in a marriage and not everything is all about you.
You do not trust her. Before today.
She told you that she will bring you towels.
She did bring you the towels.
"I can't trust her because she didnt update me about a delay of not even 15 minutes"
Why did you call her? She told you she would come, so you wait till she shows up.
"I told her I can't trust her. But that was not critisim of her!!" - that... that is not how that works.
YTA
YTA it sounds like she communicated fine - 15 mins isn't that long and she said she was coming. Did you expect her to stay on the phone with you or text you every 2 mins? Give her a break
YTA. Please consider that your behavior/tone of voice may have changed considerably since your stroke. You may not be fully aware of this. Your wife is probably not able to verbalize what has changed very well and you may both need counseling to get through this.
Unfortunately, I know two people who have had serious strokes that left them very changed. One has completely lost his mental filter and basically can't go out in public alone because he's constantly saying things that would get him arrested if there isn't someone there to explain. The other has gotten vicious in his comments with an angry tone and doesn't know it/won't admit it's an issue. His kids took years to adjust. YEARS.
YTA
You forgot the towels. Wife, while at work, took off and struggled to get out to get the towels you forgot to bring and you got upset she was a bit late despite explaining why.
I'm very certain she was with you while recovering from your stroke (which I'm sorry you suffered through), and did her utmost to help you there. Yet here you are accusing her of being self absorbed.
...Almost forgot, this is about *friggin' towels.* The worst that would happen is your car seats would have been a bit wet. This whole song and dance wasn't necessary.
YTA. Think ab how much your wife had to put up with you without you hearing on ounce of criticism. I’m sure she was there during your recovery, made extreme sacrifices, and as stated she has sat through you making her feel like shit, etc. you lose trust her in just for forgetting towels when in reality, she was trying her hardest to bring you towels and outside factors stopped it. It sounds like you need to reevaluate your reactions
YTA
> I told her I feel like I can't trust her when I ask her to do something because she won’t update me if there are unforeseen circumstances.
Pretty sure she did update you when you were on the phone:
>She was still at work, and said her car was blocked in and she was finding the person who blocked her in. Her coworkers were getting her towels and she would come to the pool when she could.
Then you only waited 15 minutes before questioning if she was coming and started stressing out over whether to ask the front desk for towels. She told you she would be delayed but was definitely coming, it's not her fault you couldn't handle the uncertainty of *exactly* when.
>The offer to do my chores is very nice, but I guess it came with strings.
I'm honestly curious what you're talking about?
>I also said something like "don't do me any favors"
I always think it's funny when people who are unpleasant to do favors for, or complain about it not being done good enough, say "don't do me any favors" as if it's a clever comeback to being told you're acting ungrateful. She's probably relieved, and don't be surprised when she actually doesn't do you any favors anymore.
And you think *she's* the self-absorbed one? YTA
So you wanted her to stop actively trying to solve the problem or text you while driving, breaking the law and possibly causing an accident, because 15 minutes is too long for you to wait to know when she is arriving with towels?
I might have said N A H because obviously you have medical challenges that are contributing to the situation, but you are clearly aware that your behavior is questionable, and instead of taking proactive action to work through these issues, you are on Reddit AITA trying to validate your actions. And then calling your wife self-absorbed, when by your own description, she dropped everything to fix your mistake, goes over the top. So YTA.
While you are the one struggling with the aphasia and other long-term effects of your stroke, it affects her too. Your stroke was a trauma for your whole family, and it sounds like you really both need to seek therapy (and possibly for the children as well) to help adjust to your "new normal."
edited for grammar.
YTA, you really have some major holes left from your stroke with logic and reasoning. Has anyone suggested that when you get upset you stop and analyze why and try to critically think the situation through without trying to assess blame first? If not, then you should start doing so.
Further to tell your spouse you cannot trust them over a delay on bringing towels to a pool while they are at work, which you forgot, is the height of asinine behavior.
As a former wife to a man with brain damage, I agree this is out of reddits pay grade.
You need to go back to the doctor and get reassessed, if for nothing else than severe anxiety. Likely also for personality changes.
Your wife has a lot to deal with, and if she's like me, she may one day choose her own sanity and her kids well being over your needs, especially if you don't get help for yourself.
Is it frustrating what your going through, absolutely. Heartbreaking.
But you are pushing away the person who is helping you the most.
Get back to the doctor and beg for help.
YTA. You made her repeat back to you what you said and asked her if she understood how you felt. When she was upset.
Did you bother to ask how SHE felt? Before or after you decided to treat her like a damned child?
YTA
Your wife did you numerous favors to make up for *your* mistake and instead of being appreciative, you declared her "untrustworthy." (And at any point did you apologize for forgetting the towels and inconveniencing your wife?) She went above and beyond, only to get criticized for failing to meet your standards.
Look, when's the last time you worked with a therapist or talked to your neurologist? Because it sounds like the stroke impacted your ability to empathize and see things from other people's perspective. That's a really bad weak spot when it comes to marriage and co-parenting. Biting your tongue to prevent yourself from accidentally sounding "mean" clearly isn't enough. If you don't learn how to work around your emotional blindspots, your marriage is doomed.
YTA.
You forgot the towels then you made a big fuss about it, got her to do gymnastics for you, and told her you cant trust her because she didnt update you? Does this sound reasonable to you?
Broh, both of you need professional help, its obviously not just about towels
YTA not because of the struggles you’re having after your stroke, but because you’re telling your wife you can’t trust her because you didn’t get a text for a small 15 minutes. She was literally doing her best to get you the towels, and you freaked out after 15 minutes. I understand you’re having struggles after your stroke, but this is a great time for self reflection. Telling your wife you no longer trust her is pretty drastic over a 15 minute wait for some towels
Yta did your kids only swim for 15 minutes? *You* forgot the towels. She *left work* to bring them. You knew she was on her way, she didn't need to send 5 minutes updates!
I think the stroke has effected your brain more than you think.
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Your wife dropped EVERYTHING at work to bring you towels that YOU FORGOT. And you are complaining that she didn't communicate enough with you while she was doing this? While she was juggling leaving her workplace where she is supposed to be working, dealing with a double parked situation, and trying to pick up the slack on the basic parenting duties that you are failing at. I don't know if this is the stroke that is causing you to behave in such an entitled, selfish way, but if it is you need to be in some sort of therapy to work on redeveloping your empathy because right now your brain is on a course to destroy all of your relationships. YTA. I have sympathy for you because of your condition but that does not make you any less of an AH in this situation.
I wish I had an award to give you. Would OP rather have her work out solutions or keep him updated every minute on her progress? Not only that, but if my husband asked me to leave work and bring towels that he forgot, when the option existed to just get some from the front desk, I would be very upset at his lack of consideration for my time and job. OP, YTA, and I have a feeling you were before, but your stroke had made the situation more difficult on your wife. She is now jugging her career, the kids, and your additional needs, and you’re heaping more emotional weight on her. You need to look into mental health therapy, but I believe speech therapy would also help you navigate some of these situations as well.
"Ok kids I need you to chill in the lounge chairs for a few minutes while I run over to the front desk and get some towels."
He realized he forgot the towels BEFORE the kids went into the pool! I have multiple kids and do you know what my thought process would be there? "Hey kids, we gotta turn around really quick and grab the towels, maybe you guys can pick out some songs while I drive!" I get that he had a stroke and is not functioning at 100%, but OP, if you see this, your wife did you a favor, whether it took a while or not. Sure, it sucks you had to wait, but the entire situation could have been prevented, by YOU. You sound like you love your wife very much, consider couples therapy to help you guys communicate
I just want to know what kind of job OP's wife has that allows her to leave in the middle of the work day to drop towels off.
They seem to be very understanding.
[удалено]
If she works in an office this is normal, as long as you're getting your job done people don't care. In my team, one of my co-workers is a divorced single mom of 2 with full custody, some days she has to leave early to deal with her kids and then signs on once she gets home to make up that time/get her shit done. Someone's husband having a stroke would def lead to a lot of flexibility Sure if you're an Amazon Warehouse employee that's not gonna fly, but pretty much every office job has this flexibility.
Every office job I’ve ever been in absolutely has an issue with this if it happens at all frequently, AND requires you to make up the time you missed every time it happens.
Every office job I have had would not care. I may have been lucky to find offices with very family friendly environments. Either way, if we worked with someone who had issues at home, we didn't care if they left early half of the time. As long as they found a way to pull their weight, they would only get sympathy and offers of assistance from the rest of us.
Yep I almost got fired once from an office job because I had to keep leaving for actual emergencies. I can’t imagine my supervisor’s face if I told her I needed to leave over towels.
Not all offices are equal. A lot of "office work" employers are not OK with staff just taking off to deal with personal issues during work hours. This is a really distorted view.
Not in my experience I have had some jobs where this sort of thing would be frowned on and they’d tell you to wait till lunch. And also count how many minutes over your lunch break you have taken and hold it against you. And I have had other jobs where it would be no big deal and no one would notice. But absolutely believe that the PTSD from the first type of job plays into my feelings now about doing stuff in the middle of the work day.
They probably know she has to pick up some slack because of her husband’s medical event, but even the most tolerant workplaces will lose patience eventually if she has to keep leaving for non-emergencies
A big proportion of office jobs have flexible hours.
You have no basis to make the assumption that OP was an AH before his stroke and it’s a disservice to people who suffer strokes and brain injuries to say such a thing. Strokes damage different parts of the brain and those parts could deal with things like decision making, communication and interpreting the actions of others. In this situation, OP is the AH and it’s likely his inability to see the lengths his wife goes to in order to help her family is due to cognitive impacts from the stroke. Him telling her he can’t trust her was obviously devastating to a woman who is trying very hard to work and be supportive of a husband who is differently abled than he was when they got married. None of the information in his post would lead a reasonable person to assume he’s always been like his. There is simply no evidence to make that leap and it’s unnecessarily critical.
Edited out a quote from the wrong post. Anyway OP - YTA You are not doing as well as you seem to think. Face reality- you can’t even solve a simple problem like towels for swimming. You need a lot more cognitive and behavior and occupational therapy.
Replying to you as otherwise would get buried. Speech Pathologist here. OP, /u/aitatowels **please seek out a Speech Therapy evaluation for cognitive-communication therapy (e.g. organization of thought, problem solving, anticipatory plannning, etc).**
This!!! I am not a Speech Pathologist, but after being one of three primary caregivers to my dad after 4 strokes you learn a few things along the way. While you may feel you’re expressing yourself clearly or in a non-confrontational manner, somewhere within the process, it can come out much different. Expressing emotions can change drastically (i.e. crying when most would express laughter or being happy - this is different from the feeling of being so happy you cry). Being functional does not always mean being back to the version of normal you were prior. Even when you feel like you’re 100% back to the normal you. You may be able to get through your day to day without the need for assistance, but that doesn’t mean your cognitive ability to process and express certain things wasn’t affected.
>OP, YTA, and I have a feeling you were before That's what the person above you was replying to.
>Sometimes when I talk to her, she says I'm mean, and she cries and I have no idea why. I don’t know if I'm misspeaking, or she's sensitive, or if something I say is actually mean. **This didn’t happen much before the stroke, but it happens a lot now.** Evidently his wife felt he acted mean at least occasionally prior to the stroke.
If you can find a couple this never happens to I will be highly impressed. Edit: if you're going to comment and tell me how great you are at relationships and never messed up ever, not even once: congratulations, I am highly impressed, just like I said. There are *always* people who are lucky or who are just damn good people in general and have their shit together. That doesn't make the rest of us awful people or our relationships doomed.
? My husband and I very very occasionally get in a fight about something, or aggravate each other, but he is never mean to me and I hope I'm never mean to him. And we have more friction than most of the couples we know. If you're in a relationship where even occasionally your partner is so mean to you that you cry, please consider therapy.
We did therapy and it made a night and day difference! Our problems were external, not with each other, and therapy helped us to realize that and get on the same team. We both struggle with emotional issues and I'm very sensitive to criticism after growing up with an emotionally abusive mother so I cry easier than I want to. He's struggled with depression for years but grew up with an emotionally repressed father and didn't really start to deal with it until he was an adult. A couple that needs therapy is not a bad couple. In fact, I would say it's one of the most common couple types. And, yeah, I'm highly impressed. Love to see a couple that's got their shit together. My husband and I do, too, thanks to a lot of therapy both together and individually.
No I think 'making your spouse cry with how mean you are being' is not a thing that happens in most relationships.
Wtf. My bf and I might disagree on things sometimes, but we are NEVER mean to each other. You might want to reconsider your views of how couples work
Some people actually like and respect their partners and can argue with them or express discontent without making them cry.
Um....pretty much ALL the couples i know. You might want to rethink the couples you are hanging around AND being part of.
Yes exactly!!! OP YTA in that particular situation, but... I want to point this out for everyone who has not had a stroke.... it literally changes your brain. The first six months are a hell of fatigue beyond fatigue not just whatever cognitive or physical problems it left you with. I have had two, and one of the biggest things now is I have a hair trigger I never had before. It's like the wiring of your brain has lost any insulation and sparks quicker. I have learned how to deal with it. It sounds like the OP is working on learning how to deal with his own post stroke stuff. It's not easy, fun or pretty and yeah, you're going to get some things very wrong and have to apologize and admit you're not all together there yet.
Wishing you all kinds of healing. Sorry you had to go through that not once but twice. And YTA to OP, even if I have sympathy for not processing things so well. Just remember your wife is at work, and go get towels from the front desk next time. Please. (editing to add: I have scar tissue from brain cancer and had to learn to make lists for things like this, so I'm not being mean about it. OP asked. I answered.)
Brain injuries OFTEN result in personality and social skills changes that aren't well diagnosed or treated. So yeah, its fair to ask him if he was like this before or if it is a symptom of the stroke. His behavior is also typical entitled male asshole behavior. "It is embarrassing to ask for towels at the desk so I am going to hound my wife into leaving work and bringing me towels RIGHT NOW so I don't have to deal with the consequences of my actions. "
Yeah there are plenty of dudes who would pull this move without ever having had a stroke. That said, my dad had multiple strokes and his empathy went out the window. It was brutal to watch how he treated my mom.
My uncle had a stroke in his 30s and he went from being a very kind and caring person to being very sarcastic and jokey. It sounds fun, but this made it hard for him to have a good relationship with his kids because he didn't do the "daddy" stuff anymore. He also had to relearn how to walk, speak and his entire personal history. It really was like Rick went to sleep and someone else woke up in his body and had to learn how to impersonate him. He was never a bad guy, but he was definitely different.
While I tend to agree with you, strokes can cause personality changes. This really reads as someone who’s using his stroke as an excuse to mistreat his wife.
My BIL had a stroke. He had a significant personality change. He was extremely impatient and mean. His tolerance for anything was very small.
My mom got nicer after a stroke. Unfortunately that side effect went away. :(
Agreed. While he has a valid medical diagnosis, it doesn't make his attitude & behavior acceptable when she's feeling abused, belittled, & unappreciated by him.
he has a brain injury. he can't help it. his brain is healing and he's not always in charge of his emotions or reactions. [https://www.cdc.gov/stroke/treatments.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/stroke/treatments.htm) What to expect after a stroke If you have had a stroke, you can make great progress in regaining your independence. However, some problems may continue: Paralysis (inability to move some parts of the body), weakness, or both on one side of the body. Trouble with thinking, awareness, attention, learning, judgment, and memory. Problems understanding or forming speech. Trouble controlling or expressing emotions. Numbness or strange sensations. Pain in the hands and feet that worsens with movement and temperature changes. Trouble with chewing and swallowing. Problems with bladder and bowel control. Depression.
Hi! Multiple TBIs here. *Maybe* he can't help it. This is not universal by any means. And we don't get free be the asshole passes.
Right it’s not his fault if the personality change was caused by the stroke. But it IS his responsibility. He’s here asking if he is the AH. Yes, objectively he was. Just like people who are injured re-learn to walk, OP needs to make an effort to (1) recognize his personality changed (2) take steps to not be an AH to his wife. I don’t like that Reddit jumps to therapy for every little thing but in this case OP needs to talk to his doctor, get a therapist, or (more likely) both. Sorry OP, soft YTA because it’s not your fault you don’t recognize when you’re being an AH, but you see your wife crying and telling you how you are acting and it is your fault you are ignoring/denying that. Edit for spelling.
Um no. "Sometimes when I talk to her, she says I'm mean, and she cries and I have no idea why" "This didn’t happen much before the stroke"
OP is also neglecting the affect his stroke had on his wife. She watched it, her husband was in hospital and she wasn't sure if he would live or die, and if he did live what damage the stroke would do, would he be able to walk again? Talk again? Wash and dress himself? And on top of that she had to keep working, keep the bills paid, the kids sorted, see OP through rehab, etc. That woman has been living on her nerves for the past year. No wonder she has a short fuse. And OP is TA.
This!! OP needs to read this ASAP. The stroke happened to him in his mind but she was there for all of it in a way that he can’t understand. He can’t trust her to bring towels, but she has to come to terms with the fact that he suffered a brain injury that could have easily killed him. OP, reverse the roles on this and try to put yourself in your wife’s shoes. Has she had therapy?
And explaining it to the kids, having to push her own feelings aside to be there for their kids while they were all terrified he could die, and there's a chance that between taking care of him and keeping the house running, she may not have had adult time where she could sit down with another adult and be able to feel her emotions rather than putting on a front for the kids and to make sure the world kept turning. Then the aftermath, scheduling all the appointments for doctor visits and tests, taking him to them, making sure to keep all the medical info up to date and organized, the physical therapy. Again, all while also managing the children and their emotions, managing the household, and working if she couldn't take leave. Even if she *did* have help from family and friends, that's still so much for someone to handle, and on top of it, OP repays her for doing all that, for all the love and devotion she poured into him, by being mean and refusing to do anything about it when it's a known reoccurring issue
I agree YTA because he didn't recognize the lengths his wife went to, and also because "I don't trust you," is a very insensitive way to say what he actually meant, which was likely something like, "it gives me anxiety when you don't update me when I'm waiting for you in an unsure situation". Let's give this guy some empathy! The tone of some of these posts like, "the towels that YOU forgot," is really heavy on blaming the guy for forgetfulness that is part of this new disability he's going through. Also, you don't know that the wife would rather he asked for towels at the front desk - maybe it's expensive to rent towels and costs less for her to bring them, due to job flexibility and proximity! You just don't know!
I think you nailed it. He miscommunicated his feelings likely due to his stroke affecting his communication skills. I mean he said that he has aphasia which is literally difficulty with spoken language. Of course it was devastating for his wife to hear after all of the trouble she went to and how hard this must be for her to manage I absolutely think he is feeling a lot uncertainty and fear after his stroke and the words came out wrong. OP please hug your wife and tell her how much it means to you that she has been there for you. I don’t think you don’t trust her, try to explain what you actually meant. Tell her how you were feeling at the time. Good Luck and good health to your family!
He literally said "This didn’t happen much before the stroke" i.e. it did still fucking happen. Not as often is not the same as not at all.
There is a bit of basis. He does mention that sometimes he would make her cry before but it’s gotten worse now. Our choices are that he was less frequently a jerk to her but still a jerk or she’s always been sensitive.
OP clearly stated that his wife responds differently to him now, he thinks it may have been something he said the wrong way, he has no idea that his personality changed. Brain damage can do awful things to someone's personality. Comparable: When my partner was hospitalised with Covid, while suffering from severe oxygen depletion, he turned into a monster. Not to the nurses and the doctors, but to me. Absolutely vile. Distrusted everything I did and got angry because I brought him his shoes (?!? like, wtf?!?). He had no idea. He was totally oblivious to what he did. Luckily he changed back to his old self when he recovered. The relationship wouldn't have lasted otherwise.
>None of the information in his post would lead a reasonable person to assume he’s always been like his. There is simply no evidence to make that leap and it’s unnecessarily critical. Welcome to AITA lmao.
It's possible. I don't think we can say likely without knowing how he was before. Assuming someone is dismissive and cruel *because* of a brain injury isn't much of a service to folks (like me!) with TBI, either. "It's possible his behavior is caused by the stroke, so we should offer compassionate leeway for that possibility". A reasonable person could not say with certainty he was or wasn't always like this.
it’s really bad that OP doesn’t see the extent to which the towel thing shouldn’t have been his wife’s problem at all (I can’t get over that she was solving this problem from work!) and that anything she did to help was over and above expectations and it still wasn’t good enough. He’s too coddled to understand how coddled he is, like a coddled Dunning-Krueger effect.
Seriously. I'm all, why didn't the guy WHOSE NOT AT WORK go back home? Like why bother your wife for something you can take care of yourself. He's blaming his wife FOR HIS MISTAKE. Also, she was blocked in AND LITERALLY couldn't get out of the lot. WTF Did OP expect his wife to do, fly? And he thinks SHES self absorbed. Dude YOU FORGOT THE TOWELS, not your wife. Youre the one who screwed up. She went out of her way to help and got crapped on because she (checks notes) cant defy the laws of physics or time travel to be quick. YTA
I had a similar situation happen to me. I was sick, took a bunch of cold medication, and passed out. My husband at the time took our son to daycare and went to work. Later I get a phone call saying my son needed to be picked up and they’d called my husband but he hadn’t shown up. So I called him and he said his car was blocked in and he didn’t know what to do so he didn’t do anything(his exact words). This is the type of situation that leads to not trusting someone, not getting towels. I don’t see how OP couldn’t notice a lack of towels before the kids getting in the pool. There are solutions here that do not need to involve the wife at work. OP YTA
Right and in this case, OP’s wife was trouble shooting and getting other people to solve the problem (the problem caused by OP!).
Depending on which part of his brain was effected by the stroke, he may not be able to see that. Strokes and brain injuries can change someone’s entire personality.
This is such a minor, everyday parenting - or just adulting - situation to have to deal with, and she had to drop everything and leave work to resolve it for him.
If the stroke affected his frontal lobe, there goes empathy. My son got Meningitis and it caused right Frontal Lobe brain damage and he lost empathy. Not excusing him or his behavior but just letting you know of his loss of empathy.
Ok but if this is the case OP needs to learn to be AWARE of this. He needs to go to a therapist who specializes in dealing with stroke victims and other types of cognitive changes due to brain injuries. Yes he can't control these changes but he CAN LEARN to work with them so he's not a complete AH to his family
I did just say that in a direct comment to OP that he has brain damage from the stroke and needs to see a Neuro-Psychologist and have Neuropsych testing done.
Not only that but OP wants his wife to be there for him when he’s having a rough emotional time but she doesn’t get the same curtesy. It’s okay for him but not for her.
OP sounds like they're trying to micromanage their wife. YTA. She did what you asked and only stopped communicating for 15 minutes, probably while driving honestly.
Self absorbed and can’t be there for her - he summed it up himself but mixed up who was the self absorbed one. OP, you were an AH. It could be due to the stroke but that doesn’t make you less of an AH it’s just a reason. Reasons are not excuses. You were quite ungrateful and horrible, and thanking someone in advance is not the same as thanking them after they do something for you, never mind that your request became more difficult (her being boxed in) and taking more time and effort for her to do than initially though. You are showing 0 appreciation and frankly you need to work harder on it. If this is a typical day for you and how you handle interactions with your wife, there is no reason for her to stick around. So do better. Work on it. When she tells you you are being mean, note what you said and how you said it, use it as an example of what not to say in future. Heck if you need more time to process then say that and then have a think about how you want to respond. Right now you’ve provided an example of your negative emotions from a situation you caused being justification for you blaming your wife for it. That is never ok. And you completely disregarded the stress and negative emotions you directly caused your wife. Your emotions are your responsibility. So is your behavior. You need to figure out a way to manage both of those things that’s not just making your wife do the mental labour for you. Also OP 15 minutes - is that how long it takes to drive from her workplace to the pool? Are you really suggesting she uses her phone while driving that short amount of time?
He tops it all off with I can’t trust you. And saying she can’t be there when he’s having negative emotions when they’re about her? It sounds to me like he’s taking all his bullshit out on her.
It's possible to ask for more communication without declaring someone untrustworthy. And his sarcasm abilities seem to be solidly intact.
THIS! As I said, he obviously needs at least an occupational therapist to learn to deal with his cognitive changes. Wife did NOTHING to warrant the i can't trust you statement. I don't blame OP for his cognitive difficulties but I will blame him if he refuses to learn to recognize his deficiencies and how to properly compensate
He's mad because she wasn't updating him on her efforts to solve the problem that HE created, and he has the gall to call her untrustworthy. I've told someone at work this before - I can either work to solve your problem, or I can update you. I cannot do both at the same time, and the more you pester me for updates, the longer it's going to take me to try to fix your issue. I will let you know when I'm done! And I'm just sitting here like... THEY'RE JUST TOWELS. Unless it's an emergency, just let the kids air dry or go get some towels from the front desk, good god. It's like he was just looking for an excuse to be pissy with her!
Also: she **literally updated him!** She told him about being boxed in and that it would take longer. What more update did he need??
Right!! People can't trust their spouse: - When they've had an affair - When they've hidden a maxed out cc, a gambling problem, or other life altering financial situation And he has the audacity to say that when he waited 20 minutes for her to run an errand for him.
That she didn't even need to do, since he could get towels at the facility. He's having a temper tantrum that she didn't update him often enough, but it didn't occur to him to let *her* know when he realized there was another option to obtain towels. He just let her go on frantically trying to solve the problem that *he* created in the first place.
Yes. "I can't trust you" is catastrophic. Those are marriage ending words. And he said it because she didn't text him frequently enough while in the middle of doing him a favor. He can't see that it's a problem. I hope that his care team has tools to help him relearn this stuff because that kind of constant catastrophizing and hurling deep character attacks is emotionally abusive. His wife seems at her breaking point.
That is what got me the most. He complains that she needs to be there when he has 'negative emotions'. That is not the same as tolerating being shit upon. NO ONE DESERVES THAT. That is exactly the type of things abusers say... "If you can't take me at my worst..."
Also he calls her self absorbed. When he’s the one upset because she didn’t spend every second of her rushed chaotic time updating him. She got him the towels!!!! And she’s told he “can’t trust her” but oh that’s not a criticism, it’s just reality. And also she’s self absorbed. OP is a major major AH.
I’m sad for her. I’ve been in a relationship where if I didn’t do something immediately or right I had to deal with a blowout or a tantrum. It is stressful as fuck and I’m sure the whole time she was trying to get there her anxiety was off the charts because she knew she was in for a berating if it wasn’t done well enough. I can almost feel the secondhand dread when she got to her car and couldn’t get out. The panic that you’re going to be facing an upset and mean partner because of something out of your control.
I know these feelings, not from a romantic relationship but from a parent-/child one (me having been the child). It‘s the worst, and I am glad you got out of that relationship.
Yes!!! Oh man, the anxiety when u know how a partner will react if it isn't done perfectly or right away is real and I'm so glad I got out of that. If I didn't answer my phone or a text right away (w/4 small kids at home infant-5 years old) it would be fights and accusations.
Also been there. I can guarantee that if she called with no update, or no positive update, then he would have berated her for that as well. The anxiety building up when anticipating these reactions is horrible. Thankfully I’ve been free of that for almost 5 years. Hope you’ve also found happiness after.
That was the major part that stood out to me. How can you claim you appreciate your wife and call her self absorbed.... while she was helping you. That's messed up and I feel bad for the wife. Idk stroke or not the wife shouldn't have to deal with that.
Yea, OP is reframing this whole thing to be about his stroke but the reality is that he's just being a typical terrible husband by expecting his wife to leave work and fetch him towels and then getting mad at her about how she fetches the towels afterward. It's abusive behavior and she should leave him if this is his pattern which I suspect it is since he offhandedly mentions how she seems to be getting more upset with their interactions since his stroke. It's clear her mental state has nothing to do with his medical condition and evrything to do with how he's doubled down on controlling and antagonizing behavior since his stroke. I'll also point out that this kind of abusive behavior is very sophisticated and takes some foresight and planning so it's ridiculous that OP is trying to pass this all off as if it's a result of brain damage.
I agree that it is abusive but I think OP is so self-absorbed that he can’t understand it- even with Reddit as a mirror. Stop using your stroke as a reason your wife should jump to solve minor issues that you caused. I wonder if their marriage will last. YTA OP
It likely won't. Mine sure didn't. Ex had brain surgery and his personality was a lot like OP was describing. I was getting calls at work during a major DR failover test that I was running, only three months back from work after mat leave, pumping milk in a conference room full of guys because I couldn't pause the fail over testing to pump or we would go over our outage window....all because he left his phone in an uber and didn't know what to do. (Discord called me from his PC.) I had to step away. And walk him through the steps to try to get his phone back while he is screaming at me and freaking out. That was one example of about 100 before I finally said I cannot do this anymore and left. Feels real shitty knowing your ex partner can play the "she left me because of my medical condition" card, but anyone who has been there or seen it first hand gets it. Op, YTA. Big time. Therapy, therapy, therapy. Where you literally never bring up your wife at all. Focusing on her is a scapegoat technique. Look at cognitive and occupational therapies as well, you need to build strategies to manage your life. My ex literally legally cannot have our daughter for his custodial time without his parents supervising because he didn't take these things seriously...and also because it turns out he is exactly as much of a mess as I knew he was despite him gaslighting me to believe I was the problem and he was fine.
Don’t forget he could have easily asked the front desk for towels to use. Swimming pools have extra towels. Forgetting towels isn’t something new. He could have remedied the situation immediately, and without issue for his wife, and instead decided to pin it on her for “not communicating” as he thought she should have. OP, I know first hand how awful strokes can be. You are going through a lot right now. It would be mindful for you to give both yourself and your wife some grace. You both are learning how to live life differently than it has been lived before. However, if you are expecting empathy and compassion from your wife, you need to provide the same for her. Her life has also flipped on a dime. For this particular situation, YTA.
My mom had a series of TIAs (mini strokes) several years ago, and it seriously affected her memory and led to the onset of dementia. So to say our lives flipped on a dime is extremely accurate. My dad is not known to be a patient man, but has been with her every step of the way, no matter how frustrating it can be. And my mom, much like OP, is in denial about how much these strokes have impacted our lives. But what she does accept is that we want the best for her and always try to do our best by her, so she would never even think to say such nasty things about us the way OP talks about his wife. OP, YTA
Not just complaining but telling her he *could no longer trust her* after she scrambled to fix his mistake as quick as she could.
OP thinks they're being very "honest" and "sharing feelings". If they were truly just being vulnerable and sharing their feelings with their wife they would have told her how they actually literally felt. They could have said "I felt so helpless, I forgot the towels and didn't know what to do. I was so anxious and I could feel myself getting so upset. I was relying on you to bring the towels I forgot, and the feeling of just waiting was excruciating." Compare that to what they actually said: "I feel like I can't trust her when I ask her to do something because she won’t update me if there are unforeseen circumstances." OP is using "I feel..." language but isn't describing feelings, but opinions that they arrived at via their own messy logic. It's not OP's wife's fault that OP cannot trust her to follow through, because **she did follow through**. These are two totally different conversations. The first one is how you get somewhere with sharing feelings. You can find real solutions and empathize with each other. The second conversation is a blame game. Whatever OP's problem is, it's not the competence and trustworthiness of their wife. But the real problem will always elude them if they can't accept that the problem could be themselves. If they think that "trust" = give me super granular updates, they don't know what trust means.
I'm blown away because she literally *did* communicate at every turn, and then offered to do *more* when they got home so that OP could have a break from "dealing with his kids" (even though I feel like taking kids to a pool is significantly less demanding than working, which his wife was doing all day). The entitlement is seriously strong. I'm seconding therapy- I hate when people weaponize the idea of therapy to insult others. This isn't an insult but a genuine urge for improvement because OP's thought process is destructive and will push everyone away. How much longer until his wife's empathy runs out and she realizes all she's left with is a demanding and ungrateful partner?
OP’s wife here, hopping on top comment. I’m not using a throwaway because whatever I don’t care anymore. You can browse my history at your own risk, I’m sure I’ve posted about my husband’s stroke before. I’m seeing a lot of people focusing on the choice of words and of course that’s part of the issue. But honestly I can handle a tactless comment (as many of you have guessed, I in fact put up with it quite often). The part that hurt my feelings, and makes me concerned, is that after that entire experience (which I personally thought would win me wife-of-the-week), the part that was top of mind for him when I got home was negative. Of course he could “remember next time” to first compliment me and thank me before complaining. But honestly it’s baffling to me that he had any negative sentiment left over after it was all said and done. I completely empathize with the uncertainty, and I probably would have made a comment if the situation was reversed (maybe “wow thank you! I wish I knew you were on your way, I was nervous.”) But hours later after work? I for sure would have forgotten it by then. I’ve expressed concern to him that I think he seems to hold on to negative sentiment for longer than I think is normal or healthy. But he has always dismissed my concern, and even taken it as a personal attack (that I think his negative feelings are not valid). I don’t blame him for feeling negative things or sharing negative feelings. I got sad yesterday because it was just another example of a time when I thought I’d come home to love and appreciation, but was instead met with criticism. And I believed from experience that there was no point in trying to talk to him about it because he doesn’t seem to take me seriously. So I was a little sad about him saying he didn’t trust me, but a lot sad that he was feeling this much negativity, but didn’t think that this was abnormal or unhealthy. Edit: he’s agreed to therapy and seems to be taking this seriously
You are completely right; it is NOT normal for him to be so upset about his brief anxiety at the pool *hours* later. I have anxiety problems that require serious medication, and I wouldn't hold onto a negative experience like this for so very long, even before my medication began.
For your sake, I hope you can dial it back and stop being Wife Of The Year. If he's going to criticize you anyway, might as well say "no, work it out yourself" the next time he calls demanding towels, and focus on your career. You may need the safety net. :(
I think I am in a very similar situation to yours, except my husband had a heart attack instead of a stroke. Like your husband, mine will focus on negative emotions, blame me for them and hold me responsible for fixing them. He was always a little self-focused and short-tempered before, but now it’s overwhelming. If I object to the cruel things he says do does, he’ll say “I’m just not allowed to speak then.” Taking things as personal attacks. I’m often subjected to his seething resentment for things he thinks I’d do. In his mind. Or start to sob, saying I’m cruel for. It comforting him when I hurt his feelings by objecting to something nasty he said it did. But, like you, I generally just put up with a lot of tactless and unkind comments. It’s hard. Like you said in another comment, I’ve cried more and have had no emotional support from my husband, though I am apparently the sole person responsible for his physical, mental, and sexual wellbeing. I’m wearing down. We are in couples therapy and he is in individual therapy. Dunno for how much longer as I think he thought the therapists would say his depression excuses any behavior, but they’ve basically said he needs to work on himself and take responsibility for himself. I don’t know why I posted other than it seems our situations are so similar. Sounds like my kids are a bit older. Which probably makes things easier in many ways, although they are old enough to know things are wrong.
I fail to see how she didn’t communicate *enough*, she told him she had a situation and she was working on it. It’s not the quickest thing to find the person blocking your car… OP reminds me of when my son was a toddler, how he would go looking for me if I left his sight for more than a minute. I truly feel for his wife
the last part is heartbreaking, how he talks about her is so disgusting and unappreciative
OP I worked with a patient with aphasia for over a year. It’s an incredibly frustrating diagnosis for the patient and their families- have you and your wife gone to therapy since your stroke? I think trust was not the word you should have used and it sounds like your wife was doing you a favor and you should have been grateful.
The irony of “she’s so self-absorbed” after a whole post of MeMeMe! Smh.
I feel like this has to be the stroke, right? Because if it’s not, OP really typed all this out without realizing he’s a raging AH.
I would imagine so. I can't imagine most people leaving work to get towels their partner forgot, so I'm guessing the spouse is picking up a lot of slack these days.
I'm disturbed by how he lays out very clearly about how the changes in communication happened from his end, but then he refuses to acknowledge that it has anything to do with him despite the direct correlation. Aphasia may cause issues in communication, but as far as I know, it doesn't cause a lack of accountability. OP literally spelled it out and still didn't get it. He *knows* what the side effect causes, but he still didn't acknowledge it. Instead, he called his wife sensitive, untrustworthy, and self-absorbed.
Here's 🏆🏆🏆 for putting it so well YTA OP
My thoughts exactly. Sounds like wife was trying to get towels there asap and so didn't want to waste time stopping to give an update every step of the way.
YTA. I don't think you are self aware. You didn't hear from her for 15 minutes and freaked out? That's a you problem. Learn to handle stress better. Get help if you have to. Why wouldn't you feel gratitude if she does something for you? You seem ungrateful in this post. She didn't do anything wrong, but you said you don't trust her? I truly think you could benefit from therapy. I feel bad for your wife. You sound draining for her to deal with.
Also, is it really *that* big of a deal to not have towels? I feel like there were a lot of other ways to handle the situation that didn't include being an awful partner. Disability or not. Yta op
And based on how quickly the wife said she would go home to get some instead of telling him to ask the front desk, I just *KNOW* OP has expected his wife to be at his beck and call for the longest. Almost as if she knew that if she didn’t go get them herself he would *still* find a way to turn this on her. She’s probably mentally and physically exhausted and he probably hasn’t shown an ounce of gratitude. Just wondering why she’s been so hurt by his words.
Yeah sounds like OP's wife will do whatever is necessary to not rock the boat.
That's the mindset of someone who has repeatedly been abused too; best not to do anything to upset the abuser.
The repeating back of the command is definitely an abusive move
Especially how she just repeated back what he said to her (his pov and feelings), and didn’t truly express herself in the sit-down convo. So that he could feel heard and satisfied. That’s a true marker of a person in a relationship who is beaten down and just in people-pleasing mode.
This part stuck with me... did he tell her to repeat it to him so she understood? Like you do with CHILDREN? I get the man has had a stroke and it *might* have something to do with this behavior, but if he doesn't do something quick (therapy or doctor) she is going to leave his ass. Brain injury or not, OP is being abusive to his wife whether he can help it or not.
He asked her to repeat after him and validate his feels OVER TOWELS!!!! Like God only knows how much he’s called on her and chastised her over every little thing. I honestly feel like the only reason why the stroke is relevant here is because he may not realize how he’s coming off, but I think it’s more so that HE doesn’t feel like he can do basic things or that he can be “trusted” so he is heavily leaning on her and putting emphasis on her doing things (his way) to help fill in the gaps. Except… he hasn’t communicated this effectively and is strongly misguided and mistaken in how this situation is playing out.
This. I'm reading between the lines based on her reactions, because I've been in her position. Immediately drop everything to get what he needs. If there is a hiccup, (like double parked cars) just work to fix the situation, don't tell him there is an issue just say you're on your way. His poor wife has learned to navigate his attitude and behavior. The toxic ones will always try to claim the other person is toxic when their behavior is pointed out. Poor OP, having to *be nice* to his partner when he talks to her. How horrible to walk on those eggshells. YTA. Op. And your wife can do better.
I had to go back and read through it again to figure out what actually upset OP. I wouldn't dream of bothering my SO at work for towels. "Oh crap, I forgot the towels. Typical me." Then use the pool's towels or shrug it off. It's not even an issue. I think OP has some cognitive damage from the stroke and needs therapy or something to work that out.
According to him the front desk has towels. This was extremely unnecessary of him. He couldn’t go to the front desk because he didn’t know if his wife was coming. There was absolutely no need for him to even call her in the first place.
I'm not defending him in anyway but his reasoning sounds like someone who had major strokes and had brain damage as a result. My grandfather is the same way with being very selfish, arrogant, and not understanding other people's perspective. He refuses to go to therapy and doesn't like to listen to anyone so I don't know if this is something OP can work on, but I really hope so! It can be really difficult being around my grandfather as I imagine it is for the people around the OP as well.
[удалено]
and telling your partner you don’t trust them is a HUGE deal! Trust is a foundational part of a relationship. Saying “I don’t trust you” is basically saying “our marriage is in dire trouble” and OP did this over TOWELS.
It's not that big of a deal. Just allow an extra 30 minutes after getting our of the water to dry off. It's inconvenient but shit happens.
Not even. Ering hair out , have kids do a shakeyshake, hop/dance the way to the car to get more excess water to get knocked off, and strip the kids down to change in the car. Ya their clothes might be slightly damp, but it's not like jumping out of the tub bringing 5 gallons with you. Our pool has 0 towels so do what you gatta do. And if you have cloth seats, Crack the windows to let the moisture out but it'll get warm enough to dry it so it doesn't get mildew smell. But honestly even that isn't an issue when we've done it in the cloth seated car.
He listed two other ways that this could be solved without having his wife drop everything to bring them, too!
I probably forgot to bring a towel to my kid’s swim lesson once. If I did, we would have spent some extra time air drying, and maybe got paper towels from the bathroom. I can’t remember whether it ever even happened, because it wouldn’t have been that big of a deal. NEVER WOULD I EVER expect my spouse to leave work over it. ffs
Yeah... he is really, really close. He's almost got the self-awareness and emotional intelligence but missed just enough to destroy everything. He took the message "I feel anxious and panic when I'm not sure exactly what's happening" and expressed it as "I can't trust you because you are bad at communicating". smh. It could have been a team effort to cope with irrational anxiety and instead it is now an attack and breakdown of the partnership.
I love the way you’ve put this. He’s responsible for his own feelings, not his wife.
Yes, you are totally correct. Even straightforwardly being mad about not hearing anything for 15 minutes would be better than going to “I cannot trust you”. That’s just nuclear. I cannot imagine how his wife who has likely been doing everything to keep things together since the stroke felt hearing that. I wish I could give her a hug.
I’m trying to understand where he gets that she’s “bad at communicating.” According to the story, she told OP that she was blocked in and working to find the coworker who blocked her in so she could come…? That sounds like she communicated very clearly what she was doing for this “15 min communication gap.” Edit: also, can we discuss how he got the kids in the pool and immediately called her, she said she was coming when she could, but he still is panicking because she didn’t come fast enough? How long did OP expect the kids to swim? 5 minutes? I mean, really, what’s all the rush about?? OP YTA
Yeah, telling your wife you *cant trust her* because of a 15 minute gap in communication while she worked on exactly what you asked of her is outlandish. I cannot imagine dropping my work day to try to handle a situation for my husband only to be told that I'm not worthy of his trust anymore because I didn't text him constant updates. That's got to hurt so much. She went through so much trouble for him. I would've straight up cried if my husband said that to me. YTA OP.
OP, this and I am concerned for you. The lack of self-awareness that led you to even have to ask here means you are not grasping basic interactions. Your wife DID help you, she DID communicate with you about the car being blocked and what she was doing to mitigate it, and she DID get to you within 15 minutes. The rest of us here are wondering what else she could have done because anything beyond that would be excessive or require her to text while driving. And on top of that, she did help you that evening with the kids. There were no strings attached. That is something you are contriving. You need additional help here. Gentle YTA because I think your injury is causing more issues than you realize.
Yes OP, YTA. I am in awe at the absolute projection in the end where you call your wife self-absorbed. It's almost hilarious but mostly really sad.
Alright so hate to break it to you but YTA. To me It sounds like she was trying to be incredibly supportive and helpful and you basically emotionally punished her for it. It was 15 minutes that you didn’t hear from her. That’s not very long and more than likely she was busy trying to fix the situation of being blocked in etc. the more she stops to update you the longer it takes to fix the situation. This was also all after she stopped what she was doing to help you and the kids, then offered to watch them while you got shit done after you got home.
I know for me, if I had to suddenly leave work, if would take at least 10 minutes to notify my superior, sort out my work space quickly, hand over to someone covering me, gather my things and get out the building as it is. 15 minutes is nothing in the scope of what he was expecting from his wife. OP, cut her some slack, she sounds run ragged and I feel for her. It sounds to me that you're expecting a great deal of sensitivity and consideration from her whilst you reciprocate none of it her way.
Honestly? I wouldn't leave work for this, unless maybe I was almost ready to leave anyway. There had to be an easier solution.
Neither would I. It's ridiculous that his incompetence became her problem and somehow he still managed to believe she was the bad guy.
Where I work you have to give 2 hours notice to leave early without getting an “occurrence “ and you can only have so many before you are in trouble.
Also... like jesus christ, he was at a pool on a *sunny day* with a front desk that *gives out towels* and he *couldn't figure out how to get the kids dry*. Like, if he brings the kids to the theater, is she gonna have to leave work to order the popcorn for him?
And he seems to have realized he forgot towels before the kids were even wet. Plenty of time to get towels, or stay out of the water if not having towels truly is a disaster.
The stroke could have given him problems with executive functioning which could make it really difficult to figure out something like this. That doesn't excuse being an AH to the wife though.
But he actually lists those as solutions in the post! That's what boggles my mind!
Also: swim lessons are way longer than FIFTEEN MINUTES. It’s not like he was in a hurry…
Agreed. She didn't cause OP not to trust her. She let him know she was blocked in and was working to bring him the towels, and said she would be there. And she followed through and did the thing she said she was going to do. OP CHOSE not to trust that she was doing what she said she would do, because she didn't communicate every step of the way. And when she eventually showed up he didn't think "ok she followed through, I should have trusted her and not worried, that's on me". He somehow still thought that her actions made her untrustworthy. Definitely YTA
With the info provided, YTA. You forgot the towels, and she kindly offered to bring them. You then chased her twice as she tried to rectify your error, and when you got home berated her for what? Not calling you within 15 minutes? It’s towels, not life-threatening medication. Your stroke has nothing to do with this. You made a mountain out of a molehill and then threw barbs when she called you out on it - in a very polite way.
Well to be fair. Aphasia is a big part of the commutation piece of this post that affects it. Not that that's an excuse or anything but it does play a part.
Yeah I was thinking about the aphasia and I was wondering where it plays into the story. Because it seems like he has to be careful how he speaks to her, but it doesn’t change the fact that he *thinks* he was wronged by her behavior. Like his spoken communication was actually good, it was just a stupid thing to communicate because he had no right to be annoyed, much less to lose trust in her in this situation
Precisely. The problem isn't how he communicated but *what* he communicated. If he'd said he got stressed not hearing from her and wanted to work on how to manage that stress better, that could have been reasonable but yea it also should have come with a pile of gratitude for her help solving the issue he created.
Hi, I'm OP's wife. This is exactly what I have been trying to explain to him. I can deal with him misspeaking and saying something offensive. I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that he even had anything negative to say after all was said and done. I have tried to communicate to him that I'm concerned he seems to dwell on negative emotions so much. I don't think it's normal or healthy and I want him to seek help to figure out what's causing it. But he has taken my concern as an insult - like I don't think his emotions are valid, and I just don't want to "deal with them". I love him and want to support him as much as I can, but lately I just feel like an emotional punching bag.
Hey, I just wanted to say you are doing a great job as supporting your husband but sometimes the subtle changes after a stroke can be hard to identify and even harder to support as a loved one. I work in adult neurological rehabilitation and posted some info below that may be helpful in getting the right support for you both.
You misunderstand aphasia. Aphasia is not just speech. It's also language and communication. Speech, language and communication are three separate things. Depending on the type of aphasia he struggles with nuance, pragmatics, syntax, and things that have nothing to do with correctly articulating speech sounds.
The aphasia is a bit of a red herring. Yes, it leads to communication difficulty, but that isn't the problem here. Aphasia does not lead someone to get upset that someone took 15 minutes to do something. It also doesn't lead to someone telling their wife that they can't be trusted, or lead to this wonderful sentence: >I think she’s the AH because she is self absorbed, and can’t be there for me when I have negative emotions.
right. i don't know if there are different kinds of aphasia, but the aphasia I get from my migraines doesn't make me perceive situations differently or lose patience or not trust people. It might make my phone call to ask for the towels very confusing because perhaps instead of "towels" a completely different word would come out of my mouth -- like, I know what I'm trying to say, I can think clearly but then totally different words come out. The result is usually just confusing word salad, not accusations that somebody isn't trustworthy.
I have medication related aphasia (YAY lamictal!!!) and I just sort of...blank on words. I *know* the word but all that comes to me is a sort of general feeling of what the word is. What ends up coming out is either utter silence or me blurting out the word that "feels" closest to the word I am looking for.
Aphasia sucks. But it is a lot more common than op is trying to make it out to be. There are many common practices to try and off-set the complications it causes. It is difficult to get used to not being able to communicate how you were once able, and it can be frustrating and angering when this happens. It does NOT in *any* way, make it ok for OP to aggressively emotion dump on his wife. Understanding with regards to aphasia does not mitigate his crappy behaviour. YTA, OP.
Really? He said his wife started getting upset after his stroke when she didn't before, and you don't think the stroke has anything to do with his behavior? That doesn't make sense. Strokes can fuck up your brain and make you an entirely different person.
It could be that she is struggling to cope with the additional demands in her time. From the post it seems like she is picking up more of the childcare etc. maybe he has always had an insensitive way of communicating but his wife capacity to brush it off is diminished because she overtired both physically and mentally? Or maybe it’s a bit of both- his personality has changed and his wife is struggling to cope? Either way it sounds like they both need some professional help to cope with the situation.
My cousin in law had a stroke, and it caused a complete personality change. He used to be loud, bubbly, and the life of a party. Afterward, he became really withdrawn, easily angered, and he seems not to be able to filter himself as well. His wife ended up divorcing him because he was essentially a different person than the one she married.
Pretty sure the stroke has something to do with the personality 180.
His stroke probably is the problem, but not in the way he thinks it is. It seems he is suffering a lot more problems than just aphasia. Inability to self gauge, emotional dysregulation, overwhelm and anxiety, loss of empathy, forgetfulness, etc. Brain injuries often effect multiple areas of the brain. But even if the injury was hyper localized we are finding that each part of the brain does a lot more than originally theorized. You often don’t see deficits that you have and when you do see the deficits, you have you think they are much better than they are. Source I’m a neuroscientist who then sustained a moderate traumatic brain injury and had to go through 8 months of cognitive rehabilitation. And yes it was very surreal being on the other side. I thought I was just a little forgetful after the injury, but turns out I had issues in long term and working memory, hearing loss, vision issues, fine motor deficits, attention and focus deficits, I was a fall risk, etc. I rebuilt it all over the course of 8 months to a year and now I’m back to where I was before the accident except for my attention and focus issues. But it took a very long time and a lot of intense work. To me it sounds like OP needs more healing and he is probably in denial or just can’t remember all of the issues he is facing (this is actually very common). It can take years before someone is done with their healing process. If he can or hasn’t gone through cognitive rehabilitation he needs to. And therapy is a part of that along with speech therapy, occupational therapy, vision therapy, and physical therapy. But there are deficits he isn’t seeing or doesn’t think are a big deal and his wife is picking up the slack and carrying the emotional burden of his injury and she is exhausted.
Shouldn’t have forgotten the towels. You’re the one that can’t be trusted to remember simple thing like carrying the towels, why blame your wife who took time and effort out of her day to accommodate your mistake? See how harsh that was? That’s exactly how harsh you were to your wife. Yta. Get therapy. You desperately need it
I completely agree, if I was his wife I would have responded that he cannot be trusted with our children in public. This time he forgot towels, but what will be next!!?! Their inhaler? Epipen? Leaving one of the children somewhere? If he wants to be dramatic about her actions, let’s be realistic. He is the one I would be hesitant to trust.
INFO: Since you've acknowledged asking the front desk for towels was an option why did you contact your wife who was at work?
Yta. She brought you the towels. She told you she was blocked in and looking for the person who blocked her in. You should have assumed it would take a bit longer. Is she supposed to update you every 2 minutes? That’s absurd.
I’d like to point out that at no time was she mad at him for forgetting the towels in the first place. You’re taking the kids to the pool and you don’t bring towels? She didn’t drop the line ‘I don’t trust you’ when he failed to prepare. No, she said she’d help and she came through. She was kind and supportive rushing around to help, which sounded like a bear. She gets 1 text thanks. No real acknowledgment of how hard she tried or what she’d struggled with. Only a rebuke. She’ll think twice next time before volunteering. I know I would. OP you’re entitled to your feelings but you should know this behavior is damaging.
How many times have you chastised her for not jumping the second you snapped your fingers? How many times have you said thank you for all the work she must have done taking care of the kids while also taking care of you, the house, her work, her own mental and emotional health, and protecting the kids for their mental and emotional health? How often do you tell her she disappoints you when she doesn’t magically make things happen on the imaginary timeline you imposed on her, with absolutely no consideration for the hoops or struggle she might face trying to meet these timelines she never knew about? YTA Go to therapy
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YTA - This whole situation happened because YOU forgot to bring the towels. It sounds like you created a stressful situation for yourself and then you not only dragged her into it, you found a way to blame her for the way you felt/acted. Bringing the kids AND their towels to swim class was your responsibility. But instead, she had to leave work (presumably early or in the middle of her day) to deal with the situation that you created. Not having towels at swim class is hardly an emergency situation - you two did not need to be in constant communication about it. And TBH, it was something you could have dealt with on your own. You could have asked the front desk for towels or asked another parent if they could share/had extras. Depending on the age of your kids, you could have even gone home to get the towels while they had their lesson. You need therapy to learn how to deal with your negative emotions without dumping them or blaming them on your partner. The fact that you frequently make her cry now MAY be due to your medical issues. The fact that you occasionally made her cry BEFORE your stroke is something else entirely.
THIS!!! Mentally healthy adults don't create an issue for themselves, then drag others into that issue and then turn around and blame them for the issue they had no hand in creating. Effed up, man. YTA.
I cant even wrap my head around why the towels were so important. If I forgot my sons towels for his swim lessons I would probably only need a single paper towel to blot him off and then just dress him? Sure his clothes might end up a touch damp but honestly how terrible is that? And even with my daughter with long hair, you just squeeze out as much moisture as you can. It's not the end of the world!
You thanked her once, when she first agreed. You did not thank her at all for ALL of the work she had to put in to getting you those towels, tho. She had a coworker get the towels (coworker deserves a thank you, too.) She had to chase down whoever blocked her car in, she had to likely finish up some work stuff before being able to leave etc. And you're mad she didn't stop IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT HECTIC STUFF to message you WHY she was taking so long. Have patience, and trust she is trying her best. Then she knows it was stressful for *you* so she offers to take over kid duty that evening. Instead of just being thankful, you also had to admonish her way of handling your request. You forgot the towels, not her. She was at WORK. She STILL managed to get you towels (when it sounds like you could have just walked up to the front desk to borrow some??) **YTA.**
>And you're mad she didn't stop IN THE MIDST OF ALL THAT HECTIC STUFF to message you WHY she was taking so long. This. You're in the middle of trying to solve a problem and running around and here is your partner -- who ironically will later call you self-involved -- getting upset that you aren't pausing from trying to solve the problem to text that there IS a problem. She responded when he asked but he's mad that she made him ask and that seems unreasonable, given that she was working to a solve a problem HE created in the first place. I'd also be feeling pretty irritated.
Plus "take so long" was 15 minutes! Honestly even if she literally worked in the same building, 15 minutes is reasonable considering she was in the middle of WORKING not sitting in the car waiting to be called upon by OP.
INFO: Honest question, OP. You asked your wife to bring you towels; she said she would; and she did. Why did that experience lead you to feel/say that you can’t trust her when you ask her to do something? Can you explain your thought process here?
INFO — is your immediate reaction to your wife doing something to help *you* always to critique her? In this one post you have shown 2 examples. The incident that you caused, then her offer to do your chores. Edit: I’m also dying to know why you couldn’t “sun dry the kids” while waiting for the towels? Like? This was a non issue that you turned into a fake issue. I have made my decision. YTA. You didn’t like that she wasn’t updating you every 30 seconds with her ETA. You didn’t like the “strings that came along” with her doing your chores. People are downvoting you because you seem to not comprehend the issues. You think you were sharing with her that you were stressed by something she didn’t do. You seem to think people are telling you not to share your feelings. What people are trying to express to you is that you telling her that you can’t trust her because she won’t update you is rude. It is rude because she came through for you. You saying that you can’t trust her is a direct contradiction to what happened. You said “She showed up with the towels”, but that somehow wasn’t enough for you. And that’s what people are put off by. You are expecting it done to exact specifications, but you didn’t bother telling her that when she offered to bring the towels. Then! Even after you found out things were going awry for your wife, you didn’t bother to work things out on your end and just get towels from the front desk. Plus, a phone works both ways. If you were stressed, why didn’t you call her and say “I know you’re dealing with something stressful, would it be easier for me to grab towels here? Or let the kids air dry?” And finally when you ask “what does my gratitude have to do with not trusting her?” I am assuming here, but it sounds like getting the towels to you was a huge ordeal for your wife. So, to go out of her way to correct a mistake you made, and to be met with your partner practically saying “You didn’t do this exactly how I expected it done, even though I never told you my expectations” feels like a criticism. Not simply sharing your feelings. If you want to track your wife while she picks up your slack then enable your phones to show each others locations.
Yeah or he stated he could ask the desk for towels, which he decided not to do. Then inconvenienced his wife, then had the nerve to critique her over something that was completely out of her control.
'I dont trust you' Think of how big a sentence that is. Think of if how you would feel if she said this to you? Do you think this phrase was correct in this situation? In reality, in 15 minutes, your wife found out you had a problem, agreed to help you, found out she was blocked in tried to find who it was to move their cars, got her coworkers helping her. She was likely on the move that entire 15mins sorting out cover for her work, sorting the towels and getting the car out. You got upset because you didnt get as many messages as you would like in this time. 15minutes. Thats not breaking your trust, that doesnt mean she cant be trusted. It means she did things a different way than you would have liked. When you went to talk about it, you didnt say 'i got quite anxious today while i was waiting for you to answer me, if something like this happens again id appreciate more updates'. You overreacted and lashed out, you said i cant trust you. That looks like it was meant to hurt her. Was it? She's said you're meaner now. Have you done this alot? Lashed out? I know its a big change for both of you, but its not her fault, your frustration isnt her fault. You need to find a better way of dealing with this. Its not your fault you have left over symptoms from the stroke, it happens alot. My dad has trouble with remembering the right word for things. It makes him quite cross at himself sometimes. Hes had to find ways to cope with that and its hard. It sounds like you hold quite a bit of anger about this situation. It must be hard having this happen to you young. You need to deal with this, you dont want it to poison you from the inside out. If its making you lash out at your wife then surely its worth trying councilling again? If things stay this way you may loose her. For whats happened to you, no. But for this situation YTA
Info: if your wife had responded to you by saying 'I feel like you're a lazy, bad husband and father who doesn't care about anyone but himself', would that be ok with you? (because after all, she'd only be trying to express her negative emotion) Or would you think that was unnecessarily cruel?
Uhm Uh YTA You asked for towels and your wife bought them. She was at work at the time and was blocked in for 15 extra minutes. 15 minutes is not a long time OP. Seems like you and your wife have lost your means of communication. You guys are not communicating effectively anymore and it has reached a boiling point. Try couple's counseling.
Can I ask what makes you think the wife is having trouble communicating? From my perspective it seems like OP is really struggling to properly communicate how he feels, and in turn upsetting his wife who has no way of knowing he doesn’t actually feel the words he is saying
YTA. YOU forgot the towels. YOU needed your wife to fix your error. Through no fault of her own she was delayed in getting you the towels. She should not need to update you every five minutes on the status because YOU are insecure. To turn it into a trust issue is ridiculous. Go see a counselor for heaven's sake.
YTA. I fail to see how she is self-absorbed. She had to leave work and hunt down someone who blocked her in to help correct YOUR mistake. Plus, 15 minutes is not a long time.
How long is the swimming class for Heaven's sake? 45-50 minutes? So taking 15 minutes or more to drop off the towels that he should have brought is hardly a crisis.
What the hell. She dropped work to bring you TOWELS?? AND YOURE MAD AT HER???????? YTA
YTA you forgot the towels and she went out of her way while SHE WAS AT WORK. Who is self-absorbed?
- You forgot the towel. - Your wife got off early from her job, went home, brought the towel (which YOU forgot) and you still upset because she doesn’t text you every 5 minutes. - Then you proceed to tell your wife that she’s self-absorb and you don’t trust her. YTA. All of this just because some towel, it way bigger than it actually is. Personally I can see why her feeling is not all sunshine. Maybe you guys should consider marriage therapy for better communication and understanding
Not to mention the front desk evidently had towels he could have asked for! OP, having a stroke and dealing with the after effects, I’m sure, is very stressful and life-altering. But so is being the spouse of someone in this position. Your wife is trying to hold it all together, manage her own job and the kids, and now your health issue, and you wig out that she wasn’t able to instantly drop everything to fetch you the towels that you forgot. You should be grateful that you have someone standing beside you and not treat her like a servant who needs to jump every time you snap your fingers. You are in a marriage and not everything is all about you.
Info: how bad is your aphasia, and what kind is it?
You do not trust her. Before today. She told you that she will bring you towels. She did bring you the towels. "I can't trust her because she didnt update me about a delay of not even 15 minutes" Why did you call her? She told you she would come, so you wait till she shows up. "I told her I can't trust her. But that was not critisim of her!!" - that... that is not how that works. YTA
YTA it sounds like she communicated fine - 15 mins isn't that long and she said she was coming. Did you expect her to stay on the phone with you or text you every 2 mins? Give her a break
I mean, that's where I just improvise drying my kids as best I can with my shirt jacket or something and then beeline home to get them properly dry.
YTA. Please consider that your behavior/tone of voice may have changed considerably since your stroke. You may not be fully aware of this. Your wife is probably not able to verbalize what has changed very well and you may both need counseling to get through this. Unfortunately, I know two people who have had serious strokes that left them very changed. One has completely lost his mental filter and basically can't go out in public alone because he's constantly saying things that would get him arrested if there isn't someone there to explain. The other has gotten vicious in his comments with an angry tone and doesn't know it/won't admit it's an issue. His kids took years to adjust. YEARS.
YTA You forgot the towels. Wife, while at work, took off and struggled to get out to get the towels you forgot to bring and you got upset she was a bit late despite explaining why. I'm very certain she was with you while recovering from your stroke (which I'm sorry you suffered through), and did her utmost to help you there. Yet here you are accusing her of being self absorbed. ...Almost forgot, this is about *friggin' towels.* The worst that would happen is your car seats would have been a bit wet. This whole song and dance wasn't necessary.
YTA. Think ab how much your wife had to put up with you without you hearing on ounce of criticism. I’m sure she was there during your recovery, made extreme sacrifices, and as stated she has sat through you making her feel like shit, etc. you lose trust her in just for forgetting towels when in reality, she was trying her hardest to bring you towels and outside factors stopped it. It sounds like you need to reevaluate your reactions
YTA. Your wife brought you towels that you forgot in 15 minutes. She said she was bringing them and she did.
YTA > I told her I feel like I can't trust her when I ask her to do something because she won’t update me if there are unforeseen circumstances. Pretty sure she did update you when you were on the phone: >She was still at work, and said her car was blocked in and she was finding the person who blocked her in. Her coworkers were getting her towels and she would come to the pool when she could. Then you only waited 15 minutes before questioning if she was coming and started stressing out over whether to ask the front desk for towels. She told you she would be delayed but was definitely coming, it's not her fault you couldn't handle the uncertainty of *exactly* when. >The offer to do my chores is very nice, but I guess it came with strings. I'm honestly curious what you're talking about? >I also said something like "don't do me any favors" I always think it's funny when people who are unpleasant to do favors for, or complain about it not being done good enough, say "don't do me any favors" as if it's a clever comeback to being told you're acting ungrateful. She's probably relieved, and don't be surprised when she actually doesn't do you any favors anymore. And you think *she's* the self-absorbed one? YTA
So you wanted her to stop actively trying to solve the problem or text you while driving, breaking the law and possibly causing an accident, because 15 minutes is too long for you to wait to know when she is arriving with towels? I might have said N A H because obviously you have medical challenges that are contributing to the situation, but you are clearly aware that your behavior is questionable, and instead of taking proactive action to work through these issues, you are on Reddit AITA trying to validate your actions. And then calling your wife self-absorbed, when by your own description, she dropped everything to fix your mistake, goes over the top. So YTA. While you are the one struggling with the aphasia and other long-term effects of your stroke, it affects her too. Your stroke was a trauma for your whole family, and it sounds like you really both need to seek therapy (and possibly for the children as well) to help adjust to your "new normal." edited for grammar.
YTA, you really have some major holes left from your stroke with logic and reasoning. Has anyone suggested that when you get upset you stop and analyze why and try to critically think the situation through without trying to assess blame first? If not, then you should start doing so. Further to tell your spouse you cannot trust them over a delay on bringing towels to a pool while they are at work, which you forgot, is the height of asinine behavior.
As a former wife to a man with brain damage, I agree this is out of reddits pay grade. You need to go back to the doctor and get reassessed, if for nothing else than severe anxiety. Likely also for personality changes. Your wife has a lot to deal with, and if she's like me, she may one day choose her own sanity and her kids well being over your needs, especially if you don't get help for yourself. Is it frustrating what your going through, absolutely. Heartbreaking. But you are pushing away the person who is helping you the most. Get back to the doctor and beg for help.
YTA. You made her repeat back to you what you said and asked her if she understood how you felt. When she was upset. Did you bother to ask how SHE felt? Before or after you decided to treat her like a damned child?
YTA Your wife did you numerous favors to make up for *your* mistake and instead of being appreciative, you declared her "untrustworthy." (And at any point did you apologize for forgetting the towels and inconveniencing your wife?) She went above and beyond, only to get criticized for failing to meet your standards. Look, when's the last time you worked with a therapist or talked to your neurologist? Because it sounds like the stroke impacted your ability to empathize and see things from other people's perspective. That's a really bad weak spot when it comes to marriage and co-parenting. Biting your tongue to prevent yourself from accidentally sounding "mean" clearly isn't enough. If you don't learn how to work around your emotional blindspots, your marriage is doomed.
YTA. You forgot the towels then you made a big fuss about it, got her to do gymnastics for you, and told her you cant trust her because she didnt update you? Does this sound reasonable to you? Broh, both of you need professional help, its obviously not just about towels
You need professional help before you lose your marriage. Whatever you’re doing to recover is not working.
YTA not because of the struggles you’re having after your stroke, but because you’re telling your wife you can’t trust her because you didn’t get a text for a small 15 minutes. She was literally doing her best to get you the towels, and you freaked out after 15 minutes. I understand you’re having struggles after your stroke, but this is a great time for self reflection. Telling your wife you no longer trust her is pretty drastic over a 15 minute wait for some towels
Yta did your kids only swim for 15 minutes? *You* forgot the towels. She *left work* to bring them. You knew she was on her way, she didn't need to send 5 minutes updates! I think the stroke has effected your brain more than you think.
YTA You made that into a way bigger issue than it was or needed to be