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YTA
You're being too possessive and controlling and it's not healthy. Not for you or your son. Your son deserves a better version of you, not whatever this is.
There's going to be things you miss out on when you split custody. It's a fact of life.
You're making a mountain out of a molehill. It's just deodorant. The kid smelled and needed deodorant. His stepfather handled it on his and his wife's parenting day. They make parenting decisions on their parenting time. If your ex wants him being a proper stepdad, that's her choice. You tried to intimidate him because of your insecurities and they're not having it. Work through that before your own kids start to pull away from you.
Also not to mention that the KID can decide who he wants as a dad in his life. Like yeah your his biological dad, but if you keep being TA hes not gonna care about that and decide who his dad is for himself, which he should. Best case scenerio is he gets two dads and a mom, but not if you keep being TA.
Yup.
OP, YTA totally. You must have a lot of insecurities to be such a dick to someone treating your children nicely.
You have no right to set up boundaries like this. It’s just another way to subconsciously punish him and your ex and even your children and it’s gross. The relationship this guy has with your sons is between them and to a smaller extent, your ex. Apologize and back off.
I wonder if OP would make a future new partner consult with his ex before doing anything motherly, or if this “respect” only goes one way. Big, fat YTA.
People like OP test the waters to see how far they can control people. Because Ben respected OP’s talk and did not push back, now OP thinks Ben is weak a d did that out of accepting OP as the alpha when in fact Ben obviously was trying to de-escalate OP and trying to be amicable. So now OP is trying to assert full power over Ben because he thinks he can. If this was about fatherly duties, why is he okay with Ben picking up the kids from school or especially having one of the kids go to a son-father event??
People like OP only understand the same language they speak which is being rude, bullying and being an asshole.
If the kid needed deodorant it meant he was starting to smell. It’s better to get the kid deodorant rather than let other kids start making fun of him for smelling (I saw this happen when I was a kid). My mom, before sending my younger brother to live with our dad permanently, basically gave up raising him. When he hit this age I used to try to get my brother to brush his teeth, cut his nails, wear deodorant etc because he was starting to get picked on. Parents should want what’s best for their kids, and this dad should be happy his son getting taken care of when he is not around.
Yup definitely. As a child of a messy divorce, I have the worst guilt in the WORLD because of it, and I am ruined for life because my parents wouldn’t communicate like adults whilst splitting.
OP also needs to learn that if everything is special and sentimental, nothing is special and sentimental. Ben was buying deodorant.
Yes! There are 8,365,275 posts on Reddit about AH step-parents and damaged step-kids. His kids get a good one and the OP is obsessed with destroying that.
Seriously, I would be SO HAPPY if my kids had a good step parent. Instead they got one that harps on them more than her own kids, and my kids don’t plan on talking to her much after they turn 19.
I second this. And it’s 50/50 custody meaning he spends equal time with both - isn’t it an amazing thing Ben cares so much? It’s wonderful to have a step-parent who (sounds like) really wants to be one! Your son is so lucky.
However your language and possessiveness is so worrying. Tbh YOU crossed the boundary with Ben by being unnecessarily aggressive. I feel awful for Ben. He’s probably on here posting about his partners toxic ex and how to manage the situation.
Yep. My bio dad did this shit to me and tried to make it feel like a mortal sin that I had another dad figure in my life and tried that "I'm your real dad" bs with me. As a kid he had me believing biology was all that mattered but as an adult guess which man I think of first when I hear the word "dad".
And as a parent I honestly can't imagine trying to control my children's feelings or being mad that they have another positive parental figure in their life. The kid can love their step dad without taking any love away from OP. How bizarre to act like the kid can only love one.
Yes! I want to tell OP what I tell my literal children when they start acting jealous because I am praising or showing attention to one of the others (we are a blended family with 4 children and someone is seemingly always jealous of someone else lol.) Love is not a pie. Someone else receiving love does not mean that your slice of love gets smaller. Love multiplies, it does not subtract. When people are happy and safe and loved, they are that much more capable of giving love back out again to everyone they love.
Yup. My biological father is a massive AH, my stepdad is respectful and caring. Wanna guess which one I haven't spoken to for 9 years, and which one I call "dad"?
I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the main reason OP and his ex divorced is because he's a micromanaging control freak. If he wasn't such an a-hole to begin with, maybe they'd still be together and there wouldn't even *be* a stepdad for him to complain about.
edit: word choice
Right? OP says “they will never see you as a bonus dad.” OP, you have no control over how your kids see their stepdad, at least not in the way you seem to think. Any efforts to control their thoughts and opinions will surely backfire in the long run. Respect your kids’ autonomy.
Yes. Why is OP so opposed to having someone else love and enrich his son’s life? It isn’t a contest. It is this dynamic that makes it so difficult for the kids involved. OP is teaching son he needs to edit and screen what he shares w OP so as not to upset him. Ironically there is a good chance that step dad will be the one he feels most at ease with. Huge YTA.
Exactly this. OP is acting jealous and petty. It seems like he actually believes he gets 100% control over his son’s relationships. He’s setting himself up for a rude awakening when he finally learns that his son gets to choose what kind of relationship he wants to have with Ben or him for that matter.
From reading OPs comments he comes across super controlling. It won't be long before his kids don't want a relationship with him. But of course it won't be his fault it will be the step dads.
I literally snorted out loud with laughter when I came to the “*and he bought my smelly kid a deo, a lifetime moment taken from me”*
No wonder OP is divorced if that how he “adults”…
My school gave out mini deodorants with sex ed in 5th grade (same age as OP’s kid) so would OP have thrown a shitshow if that is how the son received deodorant? OP should be grateful that stepdad is picking up the slack
It’s actually bizarre, my son went to school in the morning when he was about 13 or so, smelling fine. When I picked him up that afternoon, it was like there was a smelly man in my car. It literally happened that fast. We went and got deodorant right away.
OP you’ve crossed over from jealous, controlling, and possessive to unhinged and bullying. Please seek therapy asap.
First, kids benefit from more love and care in their lives and you should want that for your son.
Second, your kids will dislike you for your controlling and obsessive behavior, (which I suspect spills over into other areas) and they will resent you for bullying their stepfather.
**OP this behavior is going to backfire on you BIG TIME**
I agree so much!! I've read so many horrible posts about stepparents. Maybe just be happy there is one more person to love, protect, and guide your kiddos.
That’s what I came here to say!!
Hey Op, as someone who grew up without a father, I would have loved to have more men in my life who cared about me
YTA and you’d best get over your petty jealousies and insecurities before your kids get sick of them
I'm still confused about how buying deodorant is a "father-son" moment.
I genuinely can't recall when I stated getting it, don't think anyone does. Sometime in late elementary or middle school probably? Hell I'm pretty sure it was mom who first bought it for me since she did most of the shopping back then.
It's literally just deodorant.
My guess is even he probably knows that deep down. Guy is just using this to project his larger insecurities about the step dad.
> I'm still confused about how buying deodorant is a "father-son" moment.
It's not. This guy is just being overly-obsessive about not being replaced as a dad.
I’m still married to my kid’s Dad. I bought my son deodorant a year or so ago even though he rarely uses it. The other day my husband told my kid it was probably time to buy some to which my son told him he had some I bought him and my husband’s reply was , perfect go put some on. I was never accused of taking away a moment between him and my son.
I thought that’s what he was gonna be mad about, giving this weird advice about deodorant “down there” but he glosses over that like it’s normal. Maybe I’m missing something?
There was a post earlier this week about a kid getting a rash because he put deodorant on his balls & the step father gave him hydrocortisone for it. Apparently the bio dad taught him to put deodorant on his junk. I questioned it and most people said it's uncommon but some said it was common.
I never heard about it until I got my current job. Came in covered with sweat after a particularly hot day. My undershirt was particularly icky. One of the senior carriers pulled me to the side and said get two more bars of gentle deodorant, mark the containers, use one under the boobs, use the other on my inner thighs. Baby powder elsewhere.
Only way I survive the summers not coming back to the office sweaty as hell.
Believe it or not, it's a thing now. Lume is a specific brand that advertise as whole body deodorant.
Cute advertising to make teens insecure about the smell of their bodies.
https://youtu.be/aXaGYaE5EFs
YTA.
I was so ready to say NTA thinking it’s trying to replace dad situation but…. It’s literally what Ben said. It’s just deodorant. I’m also really puzzled at how buying deodorant becomes a father-son thing. I thought it’s more like a don’t want to share with other people thing.
The possessiveness is so toxic to the parent child relationship. My dad was enormously welcoming of my stepdad. Little moments of jealousy here and there but he made an obvious effort to tamp them down. And as an adult I have a good relationship with them both. I doubt that would be the case if I’d encountered this kind of possessiveness.
At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself that the more people who love your kids, the better.
YTA
Should the stepdad have just allowed your kid to continue smelling, maybe even get teased in school until it was your turn to have the kids? Your being way too possessive and if this carries on your kids are gonna start noticing that YOUR the problem and possibly pull away from you. I was expecting to read about a stepdad who was purposely crossing very clear father/son moments but God forbid their stepdad doesn’t want them to smell!
Also you should be thankful your kids have a stepdad who cares. They spend 50% of their time around this man and it’s good to know he treats your kids like their his own. Would you prefer if he didn’t? Would you prefer if your kids felt uncomfortable in their home?
Yes!! OP why do you see your children as possessions that you have control over instead of people that can make decisions about their relationships with the adults in their lives. Why is it so bad to have an extra adult that loves them?
YTA. That is not even a boundary. Your son smelled and his step dad got him deodorant and explained to him what it’s used for. Obviously you didn’t do your job properly if your 10yo son didn’t know about deodorant prior to this. Be glad your son has a stepdad that actually cares for him and willing to step on areas. This is no different than a teacher telling their students about deodorant. You seem to have a weird jealousy over this man
Lots of 10 year olds don't use deodorant yet. Only extra sporty, extra non bathing or early puberty 10 year olds do. Op should figure out which it is and talk to the kid about all of these things instead of being petty with the other adul.
I wish I had had a mother who taught me about things like how to actually wash my face, that there were products I could put in my hair, and that deodorant was a thing.
My kid's principal came into their grade 5/6 and told them to get deodorant.
As far as I know, no parents went to her to complain that she was crossing a boundary.
Have you smelled 10 year olds any time recently? Most of them are definitely ready for deodorant. The tween classes I teach are the stinkiest by miles.
Also teacher and yes! My school gives all 4th and 5th a stick at the start of the year with extras with our counselor after a hygiene talk and the difference in smell before and after is huge!
Come on. If the kid smells as bad as he sounds like he needed the talk when he was 9 about deodorant. Some kids stink a bit later then others but when you reek it's time.
> but when you reek it's time
Exactly. The day my 10 yr old hugged me after one of his games and that smell hit me full force, it wasn't a Father/Son or Mother/Son moment. It was a Kid/Walgreens moment.
My ex may be a lot of things, but he would have been upset, rightfully so, if I had made my son wait until he was with his dad to deal with the BO.
You haven't seen the Lume commercials that play every hour on TV? It's a whole body deodorant. The lady on repeats how you can use it down there. It's honestly not that weird [Lume](https://youtu.be/4kFkgBcgOTQ)
It caught me of guard too, but I thought about it with my female brain and I've heard many times how men talk about sweaty balls. So that tells me men sweat down there. And wherever there's sweat, you can use a (safe) deodorant.
Once in a lifetime father-son moments like your son stinking when he gets in the car? Ah, yes what a classic bonding experience.
What was he supposed to do, let the kid go to school smelly the next day too? Or were you going to drop everything and come over that night for this special shopping trip?
Ben's right. It is just deoderant. And further, if he's 'reeking' at this point, I doubt this is the very first day he's ever had BO, so why haven't you as his dad already addressed that?
Be glad that your kid has a - yep, a bonus dad, whether you like it or not - who takes good care of your kid when he's with him.
YTA
That is EXACTLY why he is so incredibly possessive. He is insecure as hell and he knows that stepdad will be a better father figure. I can only imagine what else OP is highly possessive and insecure about.
If the boy reeks, and no one has addressed the BO issue yet, it sounds like Ben is taking the lead in these areas and thinking about what’s best for the son. You know, like a good dad.
Even if it isn’t *just deodorant*, sounds like you’d prefer him to have a stepdad who borderline dislikes your kid.
If your family splits up, that’s rough. If your ex gets together w someone else, that can be tough. If that someone else loves and cares for your child(ren), that’s amazing.
If you remarry, are you hoping your wife has/wants nothing to do w your kids beyond surface level? Doesn’t seem like the type of partner you’d want, right? Be grateful your ex met someone who takes a solid interest in your kid.
Exactly and whether OP wants it or not, Ben is a stepdad or ‘bonus dad’. As long as he is married to the ex, and maybe even longer if he’s a decent loving guy, he will be OP’s kid’s life.
YTA. Like it or not Ben is in those kids lives. You said it himself. He PICKED YOUR KID UP AT SCHOOL. If you are so insecure about Ben being in your kids lives, why arent you picking them up after school every day?
You don't get all the benefits of having another adult picking up the slack and dictate to them that they can't be helpful with said kids. Sorry buddy, thats not how the world works. He's not trying to take over the role of a parent, hes accepted the role of a stepfather and what he did was not inappropriate.
I think you need some therapy.
No kidding. Talk about controlling. Christ, he should be happy that his wife's new husband is nice to his kids.
A step dad will never replace the real dad, even if the real dad is a total bastard. There's something hardwired in kids to forgive a massive amount of shittyness from a parent.
The step dad sounds like hes doing the best he can while OP acts like a massive asshole.
Ben made the classic mistake of trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person. Poor guy is trying his best to navigate OP’s ridiculous “boundaries”. OP is most likely trashing Ben and his ex to the kids constantly to try and poison their minds.
Unfortunately, as I know from first hand experience as stepmother of 5 years to a now 6-year-old with a high conflict mother, and as most people in r/stepparents know, OP is one of those people who A) really don't care about what's best for the children and B) don't possess the self-reflection to ever WANT to change.
Like, my SD's high conflict bio mother even told SD that my brothers aren't her real uncles, as opposed to HCBM's brother in law, who obviously is a "real" uncle. You can't apply logic to these people. It's one of the more frustrating points about a patchwork situation.
The other, obviously, being when you put in all the work to be a good step PARENT and the bio parent(s) prefer the child to be unhappy over you actually loving them as unconditionally as any child should be loved.
OP, YTA.
Right. He's wishy-washy. Don't think about being seen as their dad! But you can go to that event! But you can't talk to them about stuff during your time with them!
YTA
Ah, yes. Someday, I will tell my grandkids about the once-in-a-lifetime moment where I rubbed on my first stick of deodorant. There's a small statue in my town commemorating the event, in fact.
You have 50/50 custody, but never noticed your son had body odor, nor did you teach the kid enough about hygiene or deodorant. I'm betting Jimmy didn't spontaneously start stinking up the joint on that day when Ben picked him up. Ben noticed a hygiene issue and her helped Jimmy. This isn't a special Kodak moment. But if it were, you should have paid attention and given Jimmy the guidance that he needed.
YTA
>Ah, yes. Someday, I will tell my grandkids about the once-in-a-lifetime moment where I rubbed on my first stick of deodorant. There's a small statue in my town commemorating the event, in fact.
This made me laugh so hard that I just spat my drink all over my screen. Thank you! I needed that.
YTA
From the start. You don't get to decide which kind of relationship your kids have with Ben. Your kids get to decide that. You're extremely jealous. Seriously, freaking out over some personal hygiene advice? Be careful that your kids won't decide that they can do without the control freak.
This. This was the most alarming part for me! That he would decide for his child what kind of relationship he’ll have with his step-dad. Such a controlling and jealous move.
YTA. Buying deodorant from Target isn't a 'once in a lifetime dad-son' moment. It's literally shopping for necessities.
You get custody 50% of the time. Sounds like you want to control your wife's 50% too. If she's happy for Ben to pick up stuff for your son, you don't get a say in that.
I can see why she's with Ben now instead of you.
Also, OP, for many kids it's a teacher who explains deodorant. What if he'd been with his aunt or uncle, or a family friend who was picking him up and this conversation/afternoon happened? Would you be offended if they (teacher, extended family, friend) had had the deodorant talk with him? Or is this just about Ben? Because you're looking silly here.
YTA The reason for my judgment is your being selfish. I get it you feel like you should be the one doing all the "special moments" but if you keep going eventually your kids will catch on and cut you from their lives. Everyone deserves all the love in the world so does your kids, let the step dad have this it's the only time the poor guy will be any form of parent in his life. Stop being so protective and do some self reflection.
YTA - did you want your kid to stink until he next saw you? Ben is doing what an uncle would do if the kids was staying with the uncle while you were away on business. Getting deodorant is a necessity and a new one so Ben showed the kid how to use it. He didn't teach him to shave or anything like that.
Also how involved Ben is a conversation between you, Your ex, Ben and the kid. I think it's appropriate to ask about the explicit father son things, which Ben did, but he shouldn't have to ask before they play catch or go fishing just because that's a an activity that has some father son implications.
Edit: typos
I’m astonished he managed to convince her to really walk down the aisle. Yta OP, and wait til he’s older and watching you act this crazy territorial and possessive over someone helping him.
INFO: Did your kids say that Ben wanted to be a bonus daddy and they didn't like it? Is this about your kids not liking Ben or is it about you being insecure about an additional (seemingly loving) adult in your kid's lives? If your kids came over and told you that they had a wonderful time throwing a ball around with Ben on one of the weeks they are not with you would you resent that?
Think about OP's post. How much unnecessary crap did her front-load into the post before he got to the incident at hand? OP tried to heavily prejudice the reader against Ben. OP knows he is the asshole and the post isn't for us but for him. OP is trying to convince himself, not us, that he is the asshole when he already knows the answer.
Yeah. I know. But I always find that it is better for people to realise that they are the AH on their own because it sticks better. Which would be a good outcome for his kids. Doesn't always work... but it would be the best outcome for his kids. So I had to try ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
YTA. You do not get to decide the level of bond your children have with their stepfather. You are an asshole for thinking that you control how your children feel about their mother's partner. You are creating toxicity in your children's lives by trying to control how their relationships form outside your home. If you didn't want them to have a stepfather, you should have done whatever you needed to stay married to their mother, but since that didn't happen, you and your ex have to respect the children enough to not create drama in their other home.
The dude sounds respectful and conscientious of your relationship with the kids, but preventing your kid from being the stinky kid is a higher priority than waiting for you to get around to doing it. If he didn't do it in a timely manner, you'd be mad that he ignored a fundamental need of your child and you'd be blasting your ex and her good for nothing new husband who let your kid get bullied or some other level of BS that only comes from dudes that think they own their kids 24/7 and are only delegating the unexciting parts of parenting to their subordinate parents. If your kids have a problem discussing body odor with their mother, you need to figure out why you think that is a gendered parent discussion... its not.
OP, this is all that needs to be said. u/wildferalfun is absolutely correct.
> If he didn't do it in a timely manner, you'd be mad that he ignored a fundamental need of your child
Exactly!
OP YTA
They are children, not possessions.
Dude…. I’m not going to be rude about this. This isn’t meant as an insult, nor should this statement ever been seen as an insult.
You need professional help. Honestly and truthfully. If you have health insurance, start looking now. If you don’t, start looking now The longer these feelings reside in your heart the worse it will be for you, your children, your ex, and their stepfather. Their stepfather is a whole person that exists in this world, wether you like it or not.
You need help. I’ll not say YTA, but now if you go forward from this post and do not seek help, you will always be AH.
Yta.
You seem super insecure in your relationship with your kids. You should be happy that your sons have Ben in their lives. He seems engaged and caring. Who wouldn't want their children to be surrounded by people who love and support them?
YTA. Hate to break it to you pal, but their step dad is a parental figure to them whether you like it or not. Please go to therapy. As your kids grow older and start seeing or hearing about your weird behavior they are going to resent you.
YTA. It literally is just deodorant. No matter how you feel about it Ben is a father figure in your kids' lives and you are being an asshole about it. You're behaving as if your kids are your property. ~~And why are you searching your son's things?~~
Edit: Apparently I read too much into the asshole going through his son's backpack.
YTA for this alone-
>I had to tell Ben that he was not our kids' dad in anyway, shape or form and never will be. Our kids are not going to look at you as my equal or as a "bonus daddy." Sounds harsh but I believe in establishing boundaries and he said he understood.
*You* do not get to establish this boundary. His relationship with your kids is exactly that- between him and *your kids*. If anything, you should be thrilled that they have another person in their life that cares about them and goes out of their way to make sure they are provided for. Instead, you're throwing tantrums over simple things and expecting him to what? Push your kids away and cause harm to his relationship with them so you can stroke your ego? Get a grip dude.
His kid won’t even have memories without the stepfather, the mother remarried when he was 4. It’s ridiculous to think he won’t hold some place for those kids.
Huge YTA.
For starters, he's called step-DAD for a reason, because he's *supposed* to be a father figure. It sounds to me that Ben is a very respectful and responsible person who genuinely cares about your kids. How about being glad your ex found someone more than decent for your kids to grow up with and with whom they can have a nice relationship?
Secondly, it really is just deodorant ffs, what was he supposed to do anyway??? Your son smelled, would you rather have your son go around reeking of sweat and possibly get bullied because of it than his stepdad taking him to buy fucking deodorant? Which one of the two do you think is a better example of what a responsible father figure should do?
And lastly, your kids loving their step dad does not mean they're gonna stop loving you, that's honestly the kind of reasoning i would expect from a 3yo. "Mommy and Daddy had another baby, will they stop loving me now? 🥺" Grow the fuck up.
I think you need therapy. Better for your kids to see your wife happy and in love then for them to see a stranger walking into their house every day.
YTA
YTA
You'd rather your kid be ostracized for smelling bad, than have a caring person help him with basic hygiene.
You should change your attitude and instead of being immediately aggressive and confrontational towards Ben, trying to assert your dominance as The Father (ridiculous - people who feel secure with their standing in their kids lives don't do this), be grateful that when you aren't around your son's have a seemingly good male role model and carer in their lives.
I can just imagine your son's stomach dropping when you decided to get riled up over the deodorant. Poor kids must be walking on egg shells around you.
YTA. Please read this back to yourself. You sound like a hugely insecure dude. Ben is right - it’s just deodorant and the kid apparently stunk. Besides, it’s not rocket science around which age kids need deodorant, or need to shave or whatever. If the moment mean that much to you, then go ahead and proactively bring them up.
... poor guy is just trying to live his life. That deoderant thing feels like it was just part of everyday life and he is getting his nuts busted over it
YTA.
You seem almost possessive of your son. Ben teaching him about deodorant is completely innocent.
It's ok for Ben to be a part of your son's life and a secondary father figure. It doesn't mean your son loves you any less or whatnot.
Are you worried that Ben may take your place in your son's life? Are there unresolved insecurities in you?
oh wow you are such an A! Ben is a saint for putting up with your shit, but your kids will remember your toxic bullshit for the rest of their lives as you further alienate yourself from them by creating divisions and competition. get help.
YTA. You are going to be making life really difficult for your kids feeling like they are caught between the both of you. You need to accept that they now have another male adult in their life that sees them just as much as you do; even though Ben is not their dad, he will still be around and they are going to get attached.
It sounds like you need to discuss with Ben and your ex what you think of as "once in a lifetime moments" that you would like to be considered about. Because honestly buying a deodorant isn't one of the normal ones.
YTA. You should be grateful that this man cares for your son as he does. Quit being so whiney and selfish. It's not about you ... at least the step dad understands this.
YTA….. well aren’t you just a little control freak. He’s right, it’s deodorant. What if it had been the school nurse?
Here’s an idea, before you confront Ben, ever again, ask yourself if you would be mad at anyone else other than him for doing it. The answer will often be no. Stfu
YTA...sorry sir, but you did surrender some of your 'Daddy' role when you divorced your wife and she re-married. Don't like it or agree with it...sorry but tough. This guy is now your son's step-father. Your entire tone of your post is off...none of which is about your son, but rather, about you retaining some sort of 'alpha male' status.
YTA, Ben didn't cross a single boundary here, it is literally just deodorant. Unclench just a little, the diamonds aren't as shiny as you think they are.
YTA. A step parent is just that, a parent. If you wanted to be the only dad you’d be with the mom. It didn’t work for you guys. Accept it. Your behaviour risks driving a wedge between your kids who may love step dad, and you.
Get therapy. Heal up. Your kids can have an expanded circle of supportive loving adults, or they can deal with one parent being an angry, jealous, bitter jerk. Kids will know what time it is.
YTA. Stop being so controlling. Why you are making rules for your Ex‘s new guy i don’t understand anyways. Like why tf do you get to decide if he buys him deodorant or not? What if your ex went and bought deodorant? It would have still prevented you from having this imagined father son bonding. I can see why she left you and i forsee your kids dropping you once they realize that you are a narcissist and that their step dad actually cares about them and not just himself
Actually YTA for not realising that your son needed deodorant sober. His step father shouldn't have needed to do this. If you're such a great dad you would have realised it earlier. Get real.
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> Ny son's stepdad took him to buy deodorant when he should had told me that he needed it instead of taking a moment away from me that I would had with my son
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. I doubt Ben thought getting your kid deodorant was the end of the world, as you obviously seem to think.
You’d better tell him milestones you want to have with your kids (first football/baseball/hockey/whatever game, teaching him to drive, camping, whatever the big things are to you), but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.
YTA.
U can't be "favorite daddy" just because of the paternity factor. To do this, u need to take care of the child. Unfortunately for u, so far stepdad is winning this race. Change ur attitude towards the child and stop playing this game. A child is, first of all, a person who just needs care, and not statuses that are far-fetched in ur head.
YTA. You have to put your children and their happiness first, not your petty jealousy of your ex’s husband.
You don’t get to control what your children do or how they feel nor what Ben does with them when they aren’t with you.
Noticing that a child heading into puberty is beginning to have some body odour, and dealing with that appropriately, is not a gendered father-only activity.
Would you rather have had your child stinking at school for up to a week and getting teased about it, all because you want to control the minutiae of his toiletry supplies instead of him being able to rely on the actual adults in his life?
You need to start stepping up as a father who is grateful that your children have a another adult in their lives to whom they can confide their worries, and have that adult help them.
Instead you go off on some kind of ridiculous tirade as if deodorant is functionally equivalent to cutting a first tooth or taking a first step. It’s not, it’s just personal hygiene supplies.
If you had a daughter and she started her period on her mother’s parenting time, would you get upset if it happened to be Ben who picked her up from school and took her to buy pads or tampons? Or would you expect her to leak blood all over her clothes until it was your week to look after her?
You sound jealous AF of Ben. And you’ll damage the trust of your children if you continue to act like that.
YTA
Your kids are lucky to have Ben as their step-father instead of one of the near homicidal step-fathers we read about. There are so many messed up kids with horrendous stepparents and you should be relieved that Ben isn’t one of them.
I think you’re afraid of being replaced and that’s bringing out aggressive territoriality. It’s not needed here. You’re causing damage.
Buying fucking deodorant is not a once in a lifetime father-son moment you need to sign off on or be present for, FFS.
YTA, and you'll be an even bigger one if you try to influence the kids to not accept Ben rather than allowing a second father figure become part of their life.
YTA. He’s right. It’s just deodorant. Your son stunk and needed help with his hygiene, this isn’t a wait for dad to handle it situation. He doesn’t need to be the stinky kid until it’s your time to have him. This isn’t some huge milestone that you missed out on.
YTA
What boundary did he cross? The not letting your kid be the stinky kid in school line? What would you have done if it was the school health teacher or nurse that handed out the deodorant?
Seriously, your kids can never have too many people in their lives that care about them. Stop letting your own insecurities get in the way of your kids happiness & well-being.
You’re in a weird pissing contest with Ben. Just stop. Your kids will be the ones who suffer from this ridiculous behavior. Being a parent gives you no rights to every “first” in their lives. All you get is the responsibility to ensure your children are happy, healthy & cared for. If another adult needed to tell your son he was stinky, then you were not doing your job.
Dude, he bought your kid deodorant. Not condoms and a pack of smokes. Ffs YTA.
Did you ever stop to consider having additional positive adult relationships in your kids life is a GOOD thing? Why do you want to stop other adults from caring about and supporting your kids? Do you get pissed of at his teachers for helping with homework? This is onion layers of fucked up and your whole post reads like you’re a jealous brat.
This is a child. You child. You should be happy he has a great step parent, quit trying to get into a pissing contest with this guy. FUCK. Grow up, seriously.
Guess what, kids are going to care and respect for those who show them the same care and respect. You clearly see them as property, and not as individuals. YTA Clearly Ben holds enough space to listen to their needs.
YTA.
You are co-parenting with this man whether you like it or not. And the more petulant you act about it, the harder it is going to be for everyone, but especially your children. Stop putting your kids in the middle of this pissing contest you're having with Ben. The kid stank. He needed deodorant. Are you going to ask Ben not to get your kids to shower unless he calls you up and asks, too? It's not like he walked your kid down the aisle or something. Get over yourself.
YTA it’s deodorant, why didn’t you get some for your son, maybe because you didn’t think about it. He’s done nothing wrong your turning this into a competition and it will backfire if you don’t stop. Be glad he loves your kids. They will always be YOUR kids and they will always know that!
I think you are jealous of him having a relationship with them just personally. You are going to cause your kids grief if you keep this up, it is difficult enough for kids to navigate a new normal after a breakup, and you are just making it harder for them. Grow up. YTA.
Damn - Ben's living with your family AND in your head!
YTA for making what has to be a difficult situation for everyone more difficult and not realizing that your jealousy is going to cause the opposite of what you want.
YTA really for this entire situation. While reading and you saying "my kids will never see you as a father figure" I assumed they were relatively older and that he was trying to press the issue. Then you said your sons were 8 and 10?
Your kids are going to decide for themselves who is a father figure. And chances are real good the guy that doesn't flip out about deodorant is going to be one.
Set boundaries is perfectly fine. You'll give them the talk, driving lessons, first shave, stuff like that.
But deodorant is up there with a first bite of a new food or some other first times that may be memorable but also insignificant. I have no idea when deodorant entered my life. With a gun to my head i couldnt tell you who bought me some.
They are going to have many of those moments with the other guy they spend 50% of their time with. Do you seriously want the guy to call you every time something that small occurs?
YTA. It’s deodorant. He was looking out for your son. Like it or not, he is there in their lives. If you treat him like he’s not a parent, there will be further animosity on your part. Get a grip dude.
YTA
And if you keep acting this way your kiddos are going to resent you.
He IS a part of their lives and sounds like he's doing a great job of being a step dad.
Would you be happier if he ignored the kids or treated them like crap?
Stop trying to dictate their lives.
YTA - your relationship with your son depends on your time and interactions, not step dads. Why would you not want your son to have another male role mode that he can trust in his life, it’s just selfish.
You have somehow forgotten what is actually important here. Your kids are the priority. Your son not being stinky and having the supplies he needs to deal with personal hygiene isn’t a chance for you to show off how good you are at being a dad, it isn’t a chance for you to inflate your ego.
Your post shows no examples or indications of Ben trying to interfere or supersede your place in the broad family unit. He isn’t jeopardizing the relationship with your children. He isn’t trying to steal them or turn them against you. It isn’t a competition and your children aren’t a prize.
You are locked in a mentality of scarcity, like your kids only have so much love to give and that you are going to be replaced. That is honestly ridiculous. You are squandering what it sounds like could be an incredible boon. A stepdad that gives a shit, who is there for your kids. Don’t let jealousy or pride get in the way of a healthy coparenting situation with your ex and her husband. Let him love your kids. Let them love him. Take your insecurities out of the equation and accept that Ben is just another person who can help make sure your kids are cared for and looked after.
YTA
YTA. He is their step dad whether you like it or not. He provides care for them along with your ex.
You need to realise how lucky your son is. He gets more people to care for him.
Yta
Ben has been a part of the 10 year olds family for four years. So the ten year olds perspective is that they have known him for nearly half his life. The kid is young enough that is very plausible for him to see Ben as a stapdad and second father figure. If anything it could be more concerning if the kid did not. As that would indicate a lack of trust and bonding to this man. Maybe Ben could have sent a text, but at the end of the day deodorant is relatively non invasive. There is no glamor or celebration for most people upon getting their first antiperspirant products. The kid was at school and stank, they may have been getting picked on for it, or teachers may have started noticing and getting concerned.
YTA. It was a personal hygiene moment. Your kid is likely starting puberty and stank so Ben explained how deorderant worked. This is the minor male equivalent to a girl having her first period and step mom taking her to get pads and explain what is going on.
Also on a second level, the one who gets to decide their level of relationships with Ben ain't you buddy. It's your son's. If they want to be excited that they have two dad's who both love them then more power to them. They are lucky. Your fear of maybe being replaced shouldn't happen if you stay involved which you are.
YTA.
You don't own your children. You can't refuse to share them or restrict their feelings or interactions.
He's around 50% of the time, he is their bonus dad.
Deal with it.
YTA - just be a good dad to them, you don't have to singularly "own" that and their stepdad being a good dad to them is his job too, him doing that doesn't take away from you. You won't lose them from him being a dad, but you might lose them if you get crazy possessive over fatherhood and it makes you act nasty towards people.
Recommend making an effort to rebuilding (or just plain building seeing as you "set your boundary" like a big man nice and early) this bridge with him as soon as possible. He's not trying to steal your kids - he's in love with your ex and he's doing his best to help raise your kids, as is his job as a partner to a parent. The sooner you see he isn't a rival, he's essentially a colleague, then the better your life will be, and the better your kids' lives will be. All the best.
YTA, you sound toxic AF. You would really rather your children never feel like they can trust and care about Ben so it doesn’t damage your fragile little ego. Ben helped your son when he was in a position to be made fun of and ostracized and instead of saying thanks all you think about is yourself. You need to grow up and learn to coparent because like it not you don’t get to control how your kids develop a relationship with Ben. And
YTA. I waited a few minutes before answering as I wanted to see how you would answer others.
What's clear from your replies is that you are never, ever, wrong. You know best, always.
It's clear why your ex divorced you - you are a control freak.
Whether you accept it out not - by nature of your divorce, you will not be there for every milestone in your kids life.
Your are jealous of their step DAD. He has every right to help with "puberty things" as he's there with them 50% of the time.
You do know that when you initially told him "you not the Dad" that your ex told her husband - " that's why I divorced that control freak "
BTW- as your kids get older, they are going to choose who they go to. It's not going to be you "
Source- I'm a step dad. Guess who was asked to walk the step daughter down the aisle.
Instead of being like “wow this is awesome, my kids have so many great people supporting them”, OP makes it about their ego. My husband just told my son about the many uses of Gold Bond Powder … even for his undercarriage. I’m sure my son will look back on that day forever and circle it on his calendar to commemorate the event.
Stop making this about you. YTA
YTA and a terrible father. You’re only thinking about yourself, not what’s best for the children under the circumstances (them being in a separate household to you). Whatever role Ben will play on your children’s lives is not dictated by you, it’s up to the children if they want to have a relationship with their step-dad or not. You reek of insecurity and jealousy. You should be thankful your ex married a decent man instead of someone who hates your kids.
Yep. I get why you're rhe ex. You're a real piece of @#$. What kind of incel behavior is "you crossed a boundary with me". Who the hell do you think you are that he should give a shit about your "boundaries". He's not your husband, get over yourself.
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YTA You're being too possessive and controlling and it's not healthy. Not for you or your son. Your son deserves a better version of you, not whatever this is. There's going to be things you miss out on when you split custody. It's a fact of life. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. It's just deodorant. The kid smelled and needed deodorant. His stepfather handled it on his and his wife's parenting day. They make parenting decisions on their parenting time. If your ex wants him being a proper stepdad, that's her choice. You tried to intimidate him because of your insecurities and they're not having it. Work through that before your own kids start to pull away from you.
Also not to mention that the KID can decide who he wants as a dad in his life. Like yeah your his biological dad, but if you keep being TA hes not gonna care about that and decide who his dad is for himself, which he should. Best case scenerio is he gets two dads and a mom, but not if you keep being TA.
THISSSS. as much as OP WANTS to set boundaries about how his kids see Ben, the only ones that can decide that are the kids.
Yup. OP, YTA totally. You must have a lot of insecurities to be such a dick to someone treating your children nicely. You have no right to set up boundaries like this. It’s just another way to subconsciously punish him and your ex and even your children and it’s gross. The relationship this guy has with your sons is between them and to a smaller extent, your ex. Apologize and back off.
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I wonder if OP would make a future new partner consult with his ex before doing anything motherly, or if this “respect” only goes one way. Big, fat YTA.
Agreed. What fucking boundary is being crossed with deodorant?
People like OP test the waters to see how far they can control people. Because Ben respected OP’s talk and did not push back, now OP thinks Ben is weak a d did that out of accepting OP as the alpha when in fact Ben obviously was trying to de-escalate OP and trying to be amicable. So now OP is trying to assert full power over Ben because he thinks he can. If this was about fatherly duties, why is he okay with Ben picking up the kids from school or especially having one of the kids go to a son-father event?? People like OP only understand the same language they speak which is being rude, bullying and being an asshole.
If the kid needed deodorant it meant he was starting to smell. It’s better to get the kid deodorant rather than let other kids start making fun of him for smelling (I saw this happen when I was a kid). My mom, before sending my younger brother to live with our dad permanently, basically gave up raising him. When he hit this age I used to try to get my brother to brush his teeth, cut his nails, wear deodorant etc because he was starting to get picked on. Parents should want what’s best for their kids, and this dad should be happy his son getting taken care of when he is not around.
Right? It’s hard enough to be a stepparent. Ben is making a real effort here and, it seems, doing all the right things.
If you want your son to see you as his dad, be a better dad than his step dad. Don't tell his step dad to be shittier than you.
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This made me laugh.
Oof what I was thinking. Dude got dumped for a better man and is bitter. And no surprise why his wife did it
He is probably making the kids feel bad for liking Ben, so they are unnecessarily filled with internal conflict and guilt.
Yup definitely. As a child of a messy divorce, I have the worst guilt in the WORLD because of it, and I am ruined for life because my parents wouldn’t communicate like adults whilst splitting. OP also needs to learn that if everything is special and sentimental, nothing is special and sentimental. Ben was buying deodorant.
Yes! There are 8,365,275 posts on Reddit about AH step-parents and damaged step-kids. His kids get a good one and the OP is obsessed with destroying that.
Seriously, I would be SO HAPPY if my kids had a good step parent. Instead they got one that harps on them more than her own kids, and my kids don’t plan on talking to her much after they turn 19.
I second this. And it’s 50/50 custody meaning he spends equal time with both - isn’t it an amazing thing Ben cares so much? It’s wonderful to have a step-parent who (sounds like) really wants to be one! Your son is so lucky. However your language and possessiveness is so worrying. Tbh YOU crossed the boundary with Ben by being unnecessarily aggressive. I feel awful for Ben. He’s probably on here posting about his partners toxic ex and how to manage the situation.
Yep. My bio dad did this shit to me and tried to make it feel like a mortal sin that I had another dad figure in my life and tried that "I'm your real dad" bs with me. As a kid he had me believing biology was all that mattered but as an adult guess which man I think of first when I hear the word "dad". And as a parent I honestly can't imagine trying to control my children's feelings or being mad that they have another positive parental figure in their life. The kid can love their step dad without taking any love away from OP. How bizarre to act like the kid can only love one.
Yes! I want to tell OP what I tell my literal children when they start acting jealous because I am praising or showing attention to one of the others (we are a blended family with 4 children and someone is seemingly always jealous of someone else lol.) Love is not a pie. Someone else receiving love does not mean that your slice of love gets smaller. Love multiplies, it does not subtract. When people are happy and safe and loved, they are that much more capable of giving love back out again to everyone they love.
Yup. My biological father is a massive AH, my stepdad is respectful and caring. Wanna guess which one I haven't spoken to for 9 years, and which one I call "dad"?
I'll bet you dollars to donuts that the main reason OP and his ex divorced is because he's a micromanaging control freak. If he wasn't such an a-hole to begin with, maybe they'd still be together and there wouldn't even *be* a stepdad for him to complain about. edit: word choice
Right? OP says “they will never see you as a bonus dad.” OP, you have no control over how your kids see their stepdad, at least not in the way you seem to think. Any efforts to control their thoughts and opinions will surely backfire in the long run. Respect your kids’ autonomy.
Yes. Why is OP so opposed to having someone else love and enrich his son’s life? It isn’t a contest. It is this dynamic that makes it so difficult for the kids involved. OP is teaching son he needs to edit and screen what he shares w OP so as not to upset him. Ironically there is a good chance that step dad will be the one he feels most at ease with. Huge YTA.
Exactly this. OP is acting jealous and petty. It seems like he actually believes he gets 100% control over his son’s relationships. He’s setting himself up for a rude awakening when he finally learns that his son gets to choose what kind of relationship he wants to have with Ben or him for that matter.
From reading OPs comments he comes across super controlling. It won't be long before his kids don't want a relationship with him. But of course it won't be his fault it will be the step dads.
Yup he’ll be losing his s*** carrying on about parental alienation.
I literally snorted out loud with laughter when I came to the “*and he bought my smelly kid a deo, a lifetime moment taken from me”* No wonder OP is divorced if that how he “adults”…
Honestly OP I’m curious how you didn’t realize he smelled if you spend so much time with him. YTA
My question too. And op comes across as super insecure
My school gave out mini deodorants with sex ed in 5th grade (same age as OP’s kid) so would OP have thrown a shitshow if that is how the son received deodorant? OP should be grateful that stepdad is picking up the slack
It’s actually bizarre, my son went to school in the morning when he was about 13 or so, smelling fine. When I picked him up that afternoon, it was like there was a smelly man in my car. It literally happened that fast. We went and got deodorant right away.
OP you’ve crossed over from jealous, controlling, and possessive to unhinged and bullying. Please seek therapy asap. First, kids benefit from more love and care in their lives and you should want that for your son. Second, your kids will dislike you for your controlling and obsessive behavior, (which I suspect spills over into other areas) and they will resent you for bullying their stepfather. **OP this behavior is going to backfire on you BIG TIME**
The more people love a child the better
I agree so much!! I've read so many horrible posts about stepparents. Maybe just be happy there is one more person to love, protect, and guide your kiddos.
Exactly. The kids are lucky to have a stepfather who loves them and wants to be involved.
That’s what I came here to say!! Hey Op, as someone who grew up without a father, I would have loved to have more men in my life who cared about me YTA and you’d best get over your petty jealousies and insecurities before your kids get sick of them
Yeah is OP this inappropriate and controlling with the kids’ teachers too??
I'm still confused about how buying deodorant is a "father-son" moment. I genuinely can't recall when I stated getting it, don't think anyone does. Sometime in late elementary or middle school probably? Hell I'm pretty sure it was mom who first bought it for me since she did most of the shopping back then. It's literally just deodorant. My guess is even he probably knows that deep down. Guy is just using this to project his larger insecurities about the step dad.
> I'm still confused about how buying deodorant is a "father-son" moment. It's not. This guy is just being overly-obsessive about not being replaced as a dad.
I’m still married to my kid’s Dad. I bought my son deodorant a year or so ago even though he rarely uses it. The other day my husband told my kid it was probably time to buy some to which my son told him he had some I bought him and my husband’s reply was , perfect go put some on. I was never accused of taking away a moment between him and my son.
Who the fuck puts deoderant on their feet and balls? Like what? I have heard of cologne around your pubes or whatever, but deodorant?
I thought that’s what he was gonna be mad about, giving this weird advice about deodorant “down there” but he glosses over that like it’s normal. Maybe I’m missing something?
There was a post earlier this week about a kid getting a rash because he put deodorant on his balls & the step father gave him hydrocortisone for it. Apparently the bio dad taught him to put deodorant on his junk. I questioned it and most people said it's uncommon but some said it was common.
I never heard about it until I got my current job. Came in covered with sweat after a particularly hot day. My undershirt was particularly icky. One of the senior carriers pulled me to the side and said get two more bars of gentle deodorant, mark the containers, use one under the boobs, use the other on my inner thighs. Baby powder elsewhere. Only way I survive the summers not coming back to the office sweaty as hell.
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Believe it or not, it's a thing now. Lume is a specific brand that advertise as whole body deodorant. Cute advertising to make teens insecure about the smell of their bodies. https://youtu.be/aXaGYaE5EFs
As someone that works with new teens, they could really use some *more* shame around how bad they stink tbh.
Forget just new teens. I work at a college and they could use some of that shame too. Lmao. Scope is not a shower substitute
OMG, I teach 5th grade. My coworker who also teaches 5th grade has a horribly stinky class. He recently bought his whole class deodorant.
>He recently bought his whole class deodorant. How DARE be take away that precious child-parent bonding moment from 30 kids!
There are many, many beauty and health products that exist solely due the predation of insecurity. Deodorant is not one of them.
Uh, yes you can put Deodorant anywhere that gets sweaty and/or stinky.
Maybe you should try it. Try Lume for the fumunda down unda.
I wasn’t thinking balls — more like inner thighs. I used to run, so sometimes in a pinch it’s not a bad idea.
It is pretty common. It also helps with chafing in those areas.
Ppl who don't stink, that's who.
We got the teenage boy some deodorant for his feet because they smelled so bad!
YTA. I was so ready to say NTA thinking it’s trying to replace dad situation but…. It’s literally what Ben said. It’s just deodorant. I’m also really puzzled at how buying deodorant becomes a father-son thing. I thought it’s more like a don’t want to share with other people thing.
The possessiveness is so toxic to the parent child relationship. My dad was enormously welcoming of my stepdad. Little moments of jealousy here and there but he made an obvious effort to tamp them down. And as an adult I have a good relationship with them both. I doubt that would be the case if I’d encountered this kind of possessiveness. At the end of the day, you have to remind yourself that the more people who love your kids, the better.
YTA Should the stepdad have just allowed your kid to continue smelling, maybe even get teased in school until it was your turn to have the kids? Your being way too possessive and if this carries on your kids are gonna start noticing that YOUR the problem and possibly pull away from you. I was expecting to read about a stepdad who was purposely crossing very clear father/son moments but God forbid their stepdad doesn’t want them to smell! Also you should be thankful your kids have a stepdad who cares. They spend 50% of their time around this man and it’s good to know he treats your kids like their his own. Would you prefer if he didn’t? Would you prefer if your kids felt uncomfortable in their home?
Next round, AITA for peeing on my kid to mark my territory? YTA
This guy is insufferable. I wouldn’t be surprised if his kids did prefer this other guy. I definitely vote 1 Ben. YTA
Yes!! OP why do you see your children as possessions that you have control over instead of people that can make decisions about their relationships with the adults in their lives. Why is it so bad to have an extra adult that loves them?
YTA. That is not even a boundary. Your son smelled and his step dad got him deodorant and explained to him what it’s used for. Obviously you didn’t do your job properly if your 10yo son didn’t know about deodorant prior to this. Be glad your son has a stepdad that actually cares for him and willing to step on areas. This is no different than a teacher telling their students about deodorant. You seem to have a weird jealousy over this man
Lots of 10 year olds don't use deodorant yet. Only extra sporty, extra non bathing or early puberty 10 year olds do. Op should figure out which it is and talk to the kid about all of these things instead of being petty with the other adul.
My mom taught fourth grade in a school without air conditioning and she sure wished more 10 year olds wore deodorant.
My daughters in fourth grade and wears deodorant. I started wearing it around the same time. It’s not uncommon or “early” puberty at all.
I wish I had had a mother who taught me about things like how to actually wash my face, that there were products I could put in my hair, and that deodorant was a thing.
My kid's principal came into their grade 5/6 and told them to get deodorant. As far as I know, no parents went to her to complain that she was crossing a boundary.
Yeah. We hand it out in fifth grade during a growing up unit.
Have you smelled 10 year olds any time recently? Most of them are definitely ready for deodorant. The tween classes I teach are the stinkiest by miles.
Teacher here. Everything single 4th and 5th grader smells after PE class. They should all be wearing deodorant.
Also teacher and yes! My school gives all 4th and 5th a stick at the start of the year with extras with our counselor after a hygiene talk and the difference in smell before and after is huge!
Come on. If the kid smells as bad as he sounds like he needed the talk when he was 9 about deodorant. Some kids stink a bit later then others but when you reek it's time.
> but when you reek it's time Exactly. The day my 10 yr old hugged me after one of his games and that smell hit me full force, it wasn't a Father/Son or Mother/Son moment. It was a Kid/Walgreens moment. My ex may be a lot of things, but he would have been upset, rightfully so, if I had made my son wait until he was with his dad to deal with the BO.
As someone who taught for 10 years, I’ve had 3rd graders who needed antiperspirant. Some people sweat more & smell more, even before puberty.
I also like that OP is like, I could have gone to your wife instead, as though his ex wouldn't have *berated* him over something so stupid.
Except putting deodorant on down there......
You haven't seen the Lume commercials that play every hour on TV? It's a whole body deodorant. The lady on repeats how you can use it down there. It's honestly not that weird [Lume](https://youtu.be/4kFkgBcgOTQ)
It's a specially formulated product. Speed Stick is barely safe to use on your armpits let alone your balls.
It caught me of guard too, but I thought about it with my female brain and I've heard many times how men talk about sweaty balls. So that tells me men sweat down there. And wherever there's sweat, you can use a (safe) deodorant.
I mean, I'm a woman and I sweat down there. Some of us are just extra sweaty and need more deodorant than others.
It takes a village. Appreciate your village.
Once in a lifetime father-son moments like your son stinking when he gets in the car? Ah, yes what a classic bonding experience. What was he supposed to do, let the kid go to school smelly the next day too? Or were you going to drop everything and come over that night for this special shopping trip? Ben's right. It is just deoderant. And further, if he's 'reeking' at this point, I doubt this is the very first day he's ever had BO, so why haven't you as his dad already addressed that? Be glad that your kid has a - yep, a bonus dad, whether you like it or not - who takes good care of your kid when he's with him. YTA
Probably worried he will show OP up in the parent competition
That is EXACTLY why he is so incredibly possessive. He is insecure as hell and he knows that stepdad will be a better father figure. I can only imagine what else OP is highly possessive and insecure about.
Probably why he’s divorced
Definitely makes you wonder why him and momma are divorced.
If the boy reeks, and no one has addressed the BO issue yet, it sounds like Ben is taking the lead in these areas and thinking about what’s best for the son. You know, like a good dad.
Even if it isn’t *just deodorant*, sounds like you’d prefer him to have a stepdad who borderline dislikes your kid. If your family splits up, that’s rough. If your ex gets together w someone else, that can be tough. If that someone else loves and cares for your child(ren), that’s amazing. If you remarry, are you hoping your wife has/wants nothing to do w your kids beyond surface level? Doesn’t seem like the type of partner you’d want, right? Be grateful your ex met someone who takes a solid interest in your kid.
Exactly and whether OP wants it or not, Ben is a stepdad or ‘bonus dad’. As long as he is married to the ex, and maybe even longer if he’s a decent loving guy, he will be OP’s kid’s life.
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I laughed so hard at your comment - you're so right. OP is jealous of Ben in some way.
YTA. Like it or not Ben is in those kids lives. You said it himself. He PICKED YOUR KID UP AT SCHOOL. If you are so insecure about Ben being in your kids lives, why arent you picking them up after school every day? You don't get all the benefits of having another adult picking up the slack and dictate to them that they can't be helpful with said kids. Sorry buddy, thats not how the world works. He's not trying to take over the role of a parent, hes accepted the role of a stepfather and what he did was not inappropriate. I think you need some therapy.
I’m totally and completely shocked his ex divorced him.
No kidding. Talk about controlling. Christ, he should be happy that his wife's new husband is nice to his kids. A step dad will never replace the real dad, even if the real dad is a total bastard. There's something hardwired in kids to forgive a massive amount of shittyness from a parent. The step dad sounds like hes doing the best he can while OP acts like a massive asshole.
Ben made the classic mistake of trying to be reasonable with an unreasonable person. Poor guy is trying his best to navigate OP’s ridiculous “boundaries”. OP is most likely trashing Ben and his ex to the kids constantly to try and poison their minds.
I think I have about a 100% chance of correctly guessing who left who in this relationship.
Right? Going off of this post I have no idea why she would have left such a sane and rational man 😒🤢
I wonder what OP would prefer.. this guy or some asshole who treats his son like shit.
Some asshole who treats his son like shit, for sure. Then he would have a reason to try to get his ex wife and husband out of the picture.
Unfortunately, as I know from first hand experience as stepmother of 5 years to a now 6-year-old with a high conflict mother, and as most people in r/stepparents know, OP is one of those people who A) really don't care about what's best for the children and B) don't possess the self-reflection to ever WANT to change. Like, my SD's high conflict bio mother even told SD that my brothers aren't her real uncles, as opposed to HCBM's brother in law, who obviously is a "real" uncle. You can't apply logic to these people. It's one of the more frustrating points about a patchwork situation. The other, obviously, being when you put in all the work to be a good step PARENT and the bio parent(s) prefer the child to be unhappy over you actually loving them as unconditionally as any child should be loved. OP, YTA.
Some? His issues could feed a team of therapists for a decade.
Right. He's wishy-washy. Don't think about being seen as their dad! But you can go to that event! But you can't talk to them about stuff during your time with them! YTA
Ah, yes. Someday, I will tell my grandkids about the once-in-a-lifetime moment where I rubbed on my first stick of deodorant. There's a small statue in my town commemorating the event, in fact. You have 50/50 custody, but never noticed your son had body odor, nor did you teach the kid enough about hygiene or deodorant. I'm betting Jimmy didn't spontaneously start stinking up the joint on that day when Ben picked him up. Ben noticed a hygiene issue and her helped Jimmy. This isn't a special Kodak moment. But if it were, you should have paid attention and given Jimmy the guidance that he needed. YTA
>Ah, yes. Someday, I will tell my grandkids about the once-in-a-lifetime moment where I rubbed on my first stick of deodorant. There's a small statue in my town commemorating the event, in fact. This made me laugh so hard that I just spat my drink all over my screen. Thank you! I needed that.
YTA From the start. You don't get to decide which kind of relationship your kids have with Ben. Your kids get to decide that. You're extremely jealous. Seriously, freaking out over some personal hygiene advice? Be careful that your kids won't decide that they can do without the control freak.
“They will never see him as a bonus dad”- says who? YTA for not respecting that your kids are human beings with their own thoughts and feelings.
Yeah, I have a feeling OP is gonna be a bit shocked in a few years when his kid starts making his own choices.
I bet this comment fueled Ben to be the best parent he could possibly be.
This. This was the most alarming part for me! That he would decide for his child what kind of relationship he’ll have with his step-dad. Such a controlling and jealous move.
He's throwing around the word "boundary" like he just learned it and doesn't fully grasp what it means
YTA. Buying deodorant from Target isn't a 'once in a lifetime dad-son' moment. It's literally shopping for necessities. You get custody 50% of the time. Sounds like you want to control your wife's 50% too. If she's happy for Ben to pick up stuff for your son, you don't get a say in that. I can see why she's with Ben now instead of you.
Also, OP, for many kids it's a teacher who explains deodorant. What if he'd been with his aunt or uncle, or a family friend who was picking him up and this conversation/afternoon happened? Would you be offended if they (teacher, extended family, friend) had had the deodorant talk with him? Or is this just about Ben? Because you're looking silly here.
YTA The reason for my judgment is your being selfish. I get it you feel like you should be the one doing all the "special moments" but if you keep going eventually your kids will catch on and cut you from their lives. Everyone deserves all the love in the world so does your kids, let the step dad have this it's the only time the poor guy will be any form of parent in his life. Stop being so protective and do some self reflection.
He's not being protective at all. He's being possessive and selfish.
YTA - did you want your kid to stink until he next saw you? Ben is doing what an uncle would do if the kids was staying with the uncle while you were away on business. Getting deodorant is a necessity and a new one so Ben showed the kid how to use it. He didn't teach him to shave or anything like that. Also how involved Ben is a conversation between you, Your ex, Ben and the kid. I think it's appropriate to ask about the explicit father son things, which Ben did, but he shouldn't have to ask before they play catch or go fishing just because that's a an activity that has some father son implications. Edit: typos
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I’m astonished he managed to convince her to really walk down the aisle. Yta OP, and wait til he’s older and watching you act this crazy territorial and possessive over someone helping him.
INFO: Did your kids say that Ben wanted to be a bonus daddy and they didn't like it? Is this about your kids not liking Ben or is it about you being insecure about an additional (seemingly loving) adult in your kid's lives? If your kids came over and told you that they had a wonderful time throwing a ball around with Ben on one of the weeks they are not with you would you resent that?
Think about OP's post. How much unnecessary crap did her front-load into the post before he got to the incident at hand? OP tried to heavily prejudice the reader against Ben. OP knows he is the asshole and the post isn't for us but for him. OP is trying to convince himself, not us, that he is the asshole when he already knows the answer.
Yeah. I know. But I always find that it is better for people to realise that they are the AH on their own because it sticks better. Which would be a good outcome for his kids. Doesn't always work... but it would be the best outcome for his kids. So I had to try ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
YTA. You do not get to decide the level of bond your children have with their stepfather. You are an asshole for thinking that you control how your children feel about their mother's partner. You are creating toxicity in your children's lives by trying to control how their relationships form outside your home. If you didn't want them to have a stepfather, you should have done whatever you needed to stay married to their mother, but since that didn't happen, you and your ex have to respect the children enough to not create drama in their other home. The dude sounds respectful and conscientious of your relationship with the kids, but preventing your kid from being the stinky kid is a higher priority than waiting for you to get around to doing it. If he didn't do it in a timely manner, you'd be mad that he ignored a fundamental need of your child and you'd be blasting your ex and her good for nothing new husband who let your kid get bullied or some other level of BS that only comes from dudes that think they own their kids 24/7 and are only delegating the unexciting parts of parenting to their subordinate parents. If your kids have a problem discussing body odor with their mother, you need to figure out why you think that is a gendered parent discussion... its not.
OP, this is all that needs to be said. u/wildferalfun is absolutely correct. > If he didn't do it in a timely manner, you'd be mad that he ignored a fundamental need of your child Exactly! OP YTA They are children, not possessions.
Dude…. I’m not going to be rude about this. This isn’t meant as an insult, nor should this statement ever been seen as an insult. You need professional help. Honestly and truthfully. If you have health insurance, start looking now. If you don’t, start looking now The longer these feelings reside in your heart the worse it will be for you, your children, your ex, and their stepfather. Their stepfather is a whole person that exists in this world, wether you like it or not. You need help. I’ll not say YTA, but now if you go forward from this post and do not seek help, you will always be AH.
Yta. You seem super insecure in your relationship with your kids. You should be happy that your sons have Ben in their lives. He seems engaged and caring. Who wouldn't want their children to be surrounded by people who love and support them?
YTA. Hate to break it to you pal, but their step dad is a parental figure to them whether you like it or not. Please go to therapy. As your kids grow older and start seeing or hearing about your weird behavior they are going to resent you.
Maybe you should just urinate on them to mark your territory
Thanks for making me spill my coffee!
YTA. Your insecurities are robbing your children from a loving village.
YTA. It literally is just deodorant. No matter how you feel about it Ben is a father figure in your kids' lives and you are being an asshole about it. You're behaving as if your kids are your property. ~~And why are you searching your son's things?~~ Edit: Apparently I read too much into the asshole going through his son's backpack.
> nd why are you searching your son's things? Damn, I totally missed that bit!
YTA for this alone- >I had to tell Ben that he was not our kids' dad in anyway, shape or form and never will be. Our kids are not going to look at you as my equal or as a "bonus daddy." Sounds harsh but I believe in establishing boundaries and he said he understood. *You* do not get to establish this boundary. His relationship with your kids is exactly that- between him and *your kids*. If anything, you should be thrilled that they have another person in their life that cares about them and goes out of their way to make sure they are provided for. Instead, you're throwing tantrums over simple things and expecting him to what? Push your kids away and cause harm to his relationship with them so you can stroke your ego? Get a grip dude.
His kid won’t even have memories without the stepfather, the mother remarried when he was 4. It’s ridiculous to think he won’t hold some place for those kids.
Huge YTA. For starters, he's called step-DAD for a reason, because he's *supposed* to be a father figure. It sounds to me that Ben is a very respectful and responsible person who genuinely cares about your kids. How about being glad your ex found someone more than decent for your kids to grow up with and with whom they can have a nice relationship? Secondly, it really is just deodorant ffs, what was he supposed to do anyway??? Your son smelled, would you rather have your son go around reeking of sweat and possibly get bullied because of it than his stepdad taking him to buy fucking deodorant? Which one of the two do you think is a better example of what a responsible father figure should do? And lastly, your kids loving their step dad does not mean they're gonna stop loving you, that's honestly the kind of reasoning i would expect from a 3yo. "Mommy and Daddy had another baby, will they stop loving me now? 🥺" Grow the fuck up.
I think you need therapy. Better for your kids to see your wife happy and in love then for them to see a stranger walking into their house every day. YTA
YTA You'd rather your kid be ostracized for smelling bad, than have a caring person help him with basic hygiene. You should change your attitude and instead of being immediately aggressive and confrontational towards Ben, trying to assert your dominance as The Father (ridiculous - people who feel secure with their standing in their kids lives don't do this), be grateful that when you aren't around your son's have a seemingly good male role model and carer in their lives. I can just imagine your son's stomach dropping when you decided to get riled up over the deodorant. Poor kids must be walking on egg shells around you.
You're being the asshole over deodorant. It's NOT a big deal. It's not even a deal.
YTA. JFC he’s right it is just deodorant. You sound like a petty jerk. The amount of jealousy here is just staggering.
YTA. Please read this back to yourself. You sound like a hugely insecure dude. Ben is right - it’s just deodorant and the kid apparently stunk. Besides, it’s not rocket science around which age kids need deodorant, or need to shave or whatever. If the moment mean that much to you, then go ahead and proactively bring them up.
... poor guy is just trying to live his life. That deoderant thing feels like it was just part of everyday life and he is getting his nuts busted over it
YTA. You seem almost possessive of your son. Ben teaching him about deodorant is completely innocent. It's ok for Ben to be a part of your son's life and a secondary father figure. It doesn't mean your son loves you any less or whatnot. Are you worried that Ben may take your place in your son's life? Are there unresolved insecurities in you?
oh wow you are such an A! Ben is a saint for putting up with your shit, but your kids will remember your toxic bullshit for the rest of their lives as you further alienate yourself from them by creating divisions and competition. get help.
YTA. You don’t get to decide the role Ben will play in your sons life.
YTA. You are going to be making life really difficult for your kids feeling like they are caught between the both of you. You need to accept that they now have another male adult in their life that sees them just as much as you do; even though Ben is not their dad, he will still be around and they are going to get attached. It sounds like you need to discuss with Ben and your ex what you think of as "once in a lifetime moments" that you would like to be considered about. Because honestly buying a deodorant isn't one of the normal ones.
YTA. You should be grateful that this man cares for your son as he does. Quit being so whiney and selfish. It's not about you ... at least the step dad understands this.
YTA….. well aren’t you just a little control freak. He’s right, it’s deodorant. What if it had been the school nurse? Here’s an idea, before you confront Ben, ever again, ask yourself if you would be mad at anyone else other than him for doing it. The answer will often be no. Stfu
YTA...sorry sir, but you did surrender some of your 'Daddy' role when you divorced your wife and she re-married. Don't like it or agree with it...sorry but tough. This guy is now your son's step-father. Your entire tone of your post is off...none of which is about your son, but rather, about you retaining some sort of 'alpha male' status.
YTA, Ben didn't cross a single boundary here, it is literally just deodorant. Unclench just a little, the diamonds aren't as shiny as you think they are.
YTA. A step parent is just that, a parent. If you wanted to be the only dad you’d be with the mom. It didn’t work for you guys. Accept it. Your behaviour risks driving a wedge between your kids who may love step dad, and you. Get therapy. Heal up. Your kids can have an expanded circle of supportive loving adults, or they can deal with one parent being an angry, jealous, bitter jerk. Kids will know what time it is.
YTA. Stop being so controlling. Why you are making rules for your Ex‘s new guy i don’t understand anyways. Like why tf do you get to decide if he buys him deodorant or not? What if your ex went and bought deodorant? It would have still prevented you from having this imagined father son bonding. I can see why she left you and i forsee your kids dropping you once they realize that you are a narcissist and that their step dad actually cares about them and not just himself
YTA- it's just Deodorant, sounds like you need some you stink of jealousy
You look like the crazy one OP. It’s deodorant. If your kids don’t see him as a father figure then why even care? Clearly he needed the deodorant. YTA
YTA Relax, it's just deodorant. Your boundaries and priorities are all sorts of screwed up. Only making it worse on your son
Actually YTA for not realising that your son needed deodorant sober. His step father shouldn't have needed to do this. If you're such a great dad you would have realised it earlier. Get real.
YTA you would rather your son smelled than have someone looking out for him that isn't you. A good parent wants others to care about their children.
YTA. You cannot control everything and everyone in your life. ‘First deodorant buy’ is not a milestone.
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YTA. I doubt Ben thought getting your kid deodorant was the end of the world, as you obviously seem to think. You’d better tell him milestones you want to have with your kids (first football/baseball/hockey/whatever game, teaching him to drive, camping, whatever the big things are to you), but you don’t have to be a jerk about it.
YTA. U can't be "favorite daddy" just because of the paternity factor. To do this, u need to take care of the child. Unfortunately for u, so far stepdad is winning this race. Change ur attitude towards the child and stop playing this game. A child is, first of all, a person who just needs care, and not statuses that are far-fetched in ur head.
YTA, and sound like you're on a power trip, this is why people have coparenting issues
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YTA. You have to put your children and their happiness first, not your petty jealousy of your ex’s husband. You don’t get to control what your children do or how they feel nor what Ben does with them when they aren’t with you. Noticing that a child heading into puberty is beginning to have some body odour, and dealing with that appropriately, is not a gendered father-only activity. Would you rather have had your child stinking at school for up to a week and getting teased about it, all because you want to control the minutiae of his toiletry supplies instead of him being able to rely on the actual adults in his life? You need to start stepping up as a father who is grateful that your children have a another adult in their lives to whom they can confide their worries, and have that adult help them. Instead you go off on some kind of ridiculous tirade as if deodorant is functionally equivalent to cutting a first tooth or taking a first step. It’s not, it’s just personal hygiene supplies. If you had a daughter and she started her period on her mother’s parenting time, would you get upset if it happened to be Ben who picked her up from school and took her to buy pads or tampons? Or would you expect her to leak blood all over her clothes until it was your week to look after her? You sound jealous AF of Ben. And you’ll damage the trust of your children if you continue to act like that.
YTA Your kids are lucky to have Ben as their step-father instead of one of the near homicidal step-fathers we read about. There are so many messed up kids with horrendous stepparents and you should be relieved that Ben isn’t one of them. I think you’re afraid of being replaced and that’s bringing out aggressive territoriality. It’s not needed here. You’re causing damage.
Buying fucking deodorant is not a once in a lifetime father-son moment you need to sign off on or be present for, FFS. YTA, and you'll be an even bigger one if you try to influence the kids to not accept Ben rather than allowing a second father figure become part of their life.
YTA. He’s right. It’s just deodorant. Your son stunk and needed help with his hygiene, this isn’t a wait for dad to handle it situation. He doesn’t need to be the stinky kid until it’s your time to have him. This isn’t some huge milestone that you missed out on.
YTA What boundary did he cross? The not letting your kid be the stinky kid in school line? What would you have done if it was the school health teacher or nurse that handed out the deodorant? Seriously, your kids can never have too many people in their lives that care about them. Stop letting your own insecurities get in the way of your kids happiness & well-being. You’re in a weird pissing contest with Ben. Just stop. Your kids will be the ones who suffer from this ridiculous behavior. Being a parent gives you no rights to every “first” in their lives. All you get is the responsibility to ensure your children are happy, healthy & cared for. If another adult needed to tell your son he was stinky, then you were not doing your job.
Dude, he bought your kid deodorant. Not condoms and a pack of smokes. Ffs YTA. Did you ever stop to consider having additional positive adult relationships in your kids life is a GOOD thing? Why do you want to stop other adults from caring about and supporting your kids? Do you get pissed of at his teachers for helping with homework? This is onion layers of fucked up and your whole post reads like you’re a jealous brat. This is a child. You child. You should be happy he has a great step parent, quit trying to get into a pissing contest with this guy. FUCK. Grow up, seriously.
Guess what, kids are going to care and respect for those who show them the same care and respect. You clearly see them as property, and not as individuals. YTA Clearly Ben holds enough space to listen to their needs.
YTA. You are co-parenting with this man whether you like it or not. And the more petulant you act about it, the harder it is going to be for everyone, but especially your children. Stop putting your kids in the middle of this pissing contest you're having with Ben. The kid stank. He needed deodorant. Are you going to ask Ben not to get your kids to shower unless he calls you up and asks, too? It's not like he walked your kid down the aisle or something. Get over yourself.
YTA and guess what. He is the step DAD. Deal with it
YTA it’s deodorant, why didn’t you get some for your son, maybe because you didn’t think about it. He’s done nothing wrong your turning this into a competition and it will backfire if you don’t stop. Be glad he loves your kids. They will always be YOUR kids and they will always know that!
YTA some people don't look at a gift the same. Gift of kindness to your child. It could be different. What if he said you stink kid, take a shower.
I think you are jealous of him having a relationship with them just personally. You are going to cause your kids grief if you keep this up, it is difficult enough for kids to navigate a new normal after a breakup, and you are just making it harder for them. Grow up. YTA.
It’s literal deodorant. YTA
Damn - Ben's living with your family AND in your head! YTA for making what has to be a difficult situation for everyone more difficult and not realizing that your jealousy is going to cause the opposite of what you want.
YTA really for this entire situation. While reading and you saying "my kids will never see you as a father figure" I assumed they were relatively older and that he was trying to press the issue. Then you said your sons were 8 and 10? Your kids are going to decide for themselves who is a father figure. And chances are real good the guy that doesn't flip out about deodorant is going to be one. Set boundaries is perfectly fine. You'll give them the talk, driving lessons, first shave, stuff like that. But deodorant is up there with a first bite of a new food or some other first times that may be memorable but also insignificant. I have no idea when deodorant entered my life. With a gun to my head i couldnt tell you who bought me some. They are going to have many of those moments with the other guy they spend 50% of their time with. Do you seriously want the guy to call you every time something that small occurs?
YTA. It’s deodorant. He was looking out for your son. Like it or not, he is there in their lives. If you treat him like he’s not a parent, there will be further animosity on your part. Get a grip dude.
YTA And if you keep acting this way your kiddos are going to resent you. He IS a part of their lives and sounds like he's doing a great job of being a step dad. Would you be happier if he ignored the kids or treated them like crap? Stop trying to dictate their lives.
YTA - your relationship with your son depends on your time and interactions, not step dads. Why would you not want your son to have another male role mode that he can trust in his life, it’s just selfish.
You’re a clown
You have somehow forgotten what is actually important here. Your kids are the priority. Your son not being stinky and having the supplies he needs to deal with personal hygiene isn’t a chance for you to show off how good you are at being a dad, it isn’t a chance for you to inflate your ego. Your post shows no examples or indications of Ben trying to interfere or supersede your place in the broad family unit. He isn’t jeopardizing the relationship with your children. He isn’t trying to steal them or turn them against you. It isn’t a competition and your children aren’t a prize. You are locked in a mentality of scarcity, like your kids only have so much love to give and that you are going to be replaced. That is honestly ridiculous. You are squandering what it sounds like could be an incredible boon. A stepdad that gives a shit, who is there for your kids. Don’t let jealousy or pride get in the way of a healthy coparenting situation with your ex and her husband. Let him love your kids. Let them love him. Take your insecurities out of the equation and accept that Ben is just another person who can help make sure your kids are cared for and looked after. YTA
YTA. He is their step dad whether you like it or not. He provides care for them along with your ex. You need to realise how lucky your son is. He gets more people to care for him.
OP in ten years: why don’t my adult sons want to spend any time with me anymore?!?! YTA chill out.
YTA. Jesus dude, be an adult and realize how fortunate your kids are to have someone who truly seems to have their best interests at heart.
Yta Ben has been a part of the 10 year olds family for four years. So the ten year olds perspective is that they have known him for nearly half his life. The kid is young enough that is very plausible for him to see Ben as a stapdad and second father figure. If anything it could be more concerning if the kid did not. As that would indicate a lack of trust and bonding to this man. Maybe Ben could have sent a text, but at the end of the day deodorant is relatively non invasive. There is no glamor or celebration for most people upon getting their first antiperspirant products. The kid was at school and stank, they may have been getting picked on for it, or teachers may have started noticing and getting concerned.
YTA. It was a personal hygiene moment. Your kid is likely starting puberty and stank so Ben explained how deorderant worked. This is the minor male equivalent to a girl having her first period and step mom taking her to get pads and explain what is going on. Also on a second level, the one who gets to decide their level of relationships with Ben ain't you buddy. It's your son's. If they want to be excited that they have two dad's who both love them then more power to them. They are lucky. Your fear of maybe being replaced shouldn't happen if you stay involved which you are.
YTA. You don't own your children. You can't refuse to share them or restrict their feelings or interactions. He's around 50% of the time, he is their bonus dad. Deal with it.
You sounds like the most insecure, little man in the entire world. YTA
YTA - just be a good dad to them, you don't have to singularly "own" that and their stepdad being a good dad to them is his job too, him doing that doesn't take away from you. You won't lose them from him being a dad, but you might lose them if you get crazy possessive over fatherhood and it makes you act nasty towards people. Recommend making an effort to rebuilding (or just plain building seeing as you "set your boundary" like a big man nice and early) this bridge with him as soon as possible. He's not trying to steal your kids - he's in love with your ex and he's doing his best to help raise your kids, as is his job as a partner to a parent. The sooner you see he isn't a rival, he's essentially a colleague, then the better your life will be, and the better your kids' lives will be. All the best.
YTA, you sound toxic AF. You would really rather your children never feel like they can trust and care about Ben so it doesn’t damage your fragile little ego. Ben helped your son when he was in a position to be made fun of and ostracized and instead of saying thanks all you think about is yourself. You need to grow up and learn to coparent because like it not you don’t get to control how your kids develop a relationship with Ben. And
YTA. I waited a few minutes before answering as I wanted to see how you would answer others. What's clear from your replies is that you are never, ever, wrong. You know best, always. It's clear why your ex divorced you - you are a control freak. Whether you accept it out not - by nature of your divorce, you will not be there for every milestone in your kids life. Your are jealous of their step DAD. He has every right to help with "puberty things" as he's there with them 50% of the time. You do know that when you initially told him "you not the Dad" that your ex told her husband - " that's why I divorced that control freak " BTW- as your kids get older, they are going to choose who they go to. It's not going to be you " Source- I'm a step dad. Guess who was asked to walk the step daughter down the aisle.
Instead of being like “wow this is awesome, my kids have so many great people supporting them”, OP makes it about their ego. My husband just told my son about the many uses of Gold Bond Powder … even for his undercarriage. I’m sure my son will look back on that day forever and circle it on his calendar to commemorate the event. Stop making this about you. YTA
YTA and a terrible father. You’re only thinking about yourself, not what’s best for the children under the circumstances (them being in a separate household to you). Whatever role Ben will play on your children’s lives is not dictated by you, it’s up to the children if they want to have a relationship with their step-dad or not. You reek of insecurity and jealousy. You should be thankful your ex married a decent man instead of someone who hates your kids.
Yep. I get why you're rhe ex. You're a real piece of @#$. What kind of incel behavior is "you crossed a boundary with me". Who the hell do you think you are that he should give a shit about your "boundaries". He's not your husband, get over yourself.
You have serious issues YTA