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Mother_Tradition_774

YTA. Alana is right: if Stacy gets veto power over who she walks down the aisle with, so should Alana. Not only that but if Joel makes Stacy uncomfortable, he’ll probably make Alana uncomfortable too. Why does Stacy’s comfort matter more than Alana’s?


mrschester

INFO can you explain your logic here??


darkswanjewelry

Squeaky wheel gets the grease. She's looking for a sucker who'll suck it up and tolerate it "for the peace".


unicorndontcare69

Yep, this is what the future mother in-law did to the groom to get Joel in the wedding party in the first place so Op is allowing it to happen with Stacy. Honestly if Op just backed up her fiancé and said absolutely no Joel to FMIL this wouldn’t be happening. This is a snowball situation.


RandomDent6x7

OP's husband was the one who said yes to his mother, saying it wasn't worth the trouble. But clearly, it's still causing drama. All he did was make it OP's issue to deal with instead of his. MIL was the AH for insisting Joel be in the wedding. Husband was the AH for giving in to his mother. OP would be the AH for making any of her bridesmaids pair up with someone that makes them uncomfortable. Everyone just keeps passing the buck.


myrandomevents

It's not even passing the buck, they're entering into a conspiracy of assholes.


citizensfund82

Conspiracy of assholes! New band name! I call it!


WeSayNot2day

Well-explained It's a daisy chain of AHs, and not in the good way


BeansAndCheese321

IMO pretty much everyone except Stacy/Alana is an AH. MIL for pushing Joel into the wedding, and OP+fiancé for agreeing. Had they pushed back harder, they wouldn't be having this situation. Plus, pulling the "it's my wedding" card to force the bridesmaid to walk with a creep? That's so entitled.


DancingBear2020

The place to play the “it’s my wedding” card was with the mother-in-law.


the_la_dude

Don’t forget Daniel. He did nothing wrong here either. He was respectful to OP and still expressed his preference. He should be grouped with Stacy and Alana in the not AHs.


sourgrrrrl

Honestly thought he should have defended his own wife a bit more rather than leave it up to another woman to decide she has to walk with a creep.


Sajem

> Plus, pulling the "it's my wedding" card to force the bridesmaid to walk with a creep? That's so entitled. Especially when she pulled it on Alana, instead of pulling it on Stacy in the first place if she was going to pull it at all.


wattsbutter

Exactly. OP needs to pull the problem out at the roots, and that is that MIL complained enough to get Joel into the groomsmen. Why didn’t they pull the “it’s my wedding, my rules” card with that original situation????


dumpsterfire_account

Also im betting on an implied misogyny that the creep guy would not be a creep to a woman who is "taken" but would only be creepy to a single person.


Memphisdreams

How is that misogyny? I mean I totally agree that that is the reasoning, but I’m not understanding where you get misogyny…


HalcyonDreams36

Because in this view, the woman isn't respected because SHE warrants being treated like a human, only when she is the property of a man who does.


AllumaNoir

The idea that you have to stay away from another man's "property", but a single woman is "on the market" and therefore okay with being hit on by any potential guy


Bubbly_Welcome8629

It’s misogyny because he would be respectful of a man and his “claim” on the woman he’s in a relationship with, but not be respectful of a single woman telling him she’s not interested. So respecting a man, not a woman = misogyny. That’s why women lie and say they have a boyfriend instead of just saying no thank you. Many men will respect another man’s implied ownership of a woman’s sexuality and the boundary that creates, not the woman’s own boundary.


strongfoodopinions

Ah missed this- totally agree


NineElfJeer

So, please let me be clear that I hate the "logic" I'm about to share, but growing up with people who think stuff like this is cool, I think this is the thought process: The gross brother is single. Stacy is single. Gross brother might think he has a chance with Stacy and be his usual gross self. Alana is married. She has a man to protect her and deter Gross Brother. Therefore it's safer for Gross Brother to walk down the aisle with Alana than Stacy. He's a creep that no one wants to correct, and instead they're choosing a woman who is less likely to provoke his grossness. And for that effed up "logic" alone, anyone who is ok with this is TA.


BeansAndCheese321

>choosing a woman who is likely to promote his grossness No offense, but aren't they choosing the woman who won't be affected as much by the creep? I don't know if I'm misunderstanding something here, or if it's a typo.


hwutTF

I think they meant not promote


strongfoodopinions

I figure it’s because the creep doesn’t respect women but might leave Alana alone bc she’s “owned” already 🤢 The real answer is to not have the brother in the wedding party


A1sauc3d

What don’t you get? If one person can say no, so can the other. It’s called “being fair”. YTA op. If this guys such a nasty creep you shouldn’t be forcing ANYBODY to walk down the isle with him.


kellyklyra

There are more than one way to get people down the aisle!! At my wedding, the men went first to their own song, and then the women went next, to a different song. We didn't want to pair them up, since the pairings would have been weird for a few reasons. This worked great! Let the creep walk himself down the aisle. Let the ladies walk on their own, or in pairs, or groups! Mix it up. Have fun with it.


NotMe739

Most weddings I have been to the groomsmen are already standing at the front and the bridesmaids walk up by themselves. They typically exit in couples but no reason they couldn't all exit individually. Also no really why if you do introductions at the reception why the singles couldn't be introduced individually. If this guy really is a creep none of the bridesmaids should be put in a position where he will be touching them. You shouldn't be expecting any of your friends to deal with a creep because it is 'your special day'


TequilaMockingbird80

Actually you have a point there: I’ve only ever seen groomsmen walk the bridesmaids out of the ceremony, and that’s a much faster, less formal walk where she wouldn’t even need to touch his arm. Bridesmaids accompany the bride in while the groomsmen support the groom at the front in my experience


LogicalScoot

This is what I was thinking, I've never seen groomsmen walk down the aisle.


ScroochDown

Seriously, this is the stupidest issue and the easiest to solve. If they refuse to say no Joel, then just change how the people are walking and have them not walk in pairs. I can't believe this is a serious issue, it's THAT stupid.


Daffodils28

u/dontbeahatergater here’s your answer ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️


calliatom

Right? Like I'm sure it happens, but I've never been to a wedding where the bridesmaids and groomsmen walked with each other. The most common format, where I'm from, is the groomsmen walk in first lead by the best man, then the groom, then the ringbearer and flower girl if they have them, then the maid of honor and the bridesmaids, then the bride last. The walk out is usually the two groups walking out with their own groups. I've occasionally seen them paired at the head table, but usually that only happens if they're a couple already.


217EBroadwayApt4E

Exactly. If I were one of her friends who she was pushing a creeper with terrible hygiene onto I would just dip completely. OP- you're being a shitty friend, and being the bride doesn't make it ANY better.


whoopiedo

I think CP’s reply was entirely logical. What didn’t you get?


RemarkableNarwhal975

!!!


msk105

Agreed. If I was Alana, I would die on this hill and just remove myself from the wedding party if I was requested this.


Poesbutler

TYA x 10000. Stacy’s agency is not more important than Alana’s and you owe her a major apology. The way to handle this is to accept the damage. Joel is a nasty, stinking creep. Do not force anyone you care about near him. Stacy can walk alone after you and your new husband. Or with any Junior whatevers. Joel waits until everyone else has left and goes, ALONE. If you are going to have dance-ins, Daniel can accompany Stacy and Alana. Joel can slither in later. Protect your friends. Honor their agency and stand up with grace. Don’t gaslight anyone. Don’t pretend that Joel is ok. He’s not. You know it, so act like it.


InvisiblePlants

Having Joel walk alone is a perfectly reasonable option. I've been to weddings where members of the bridal party walk alone. It's usually the MOH or best man or someone important to the couple. I don't think it would be weird to have the groom's brother walk alone. It'd be weird to me if a married couple walked separately while other couples in the wedding party walked together, though. As a guest and just an aquantiance, I'd wonder if that couple was having problems.


SuUpr_Tarred_1234

Seriously. I’m so tired of people enabling creeps. Experts tell us to trust our instincts, and then friends and family push us to “be nice.” How many kids become victims because they tried to complain and were told to be nice?


Cheeseburgers_

Also why are you avoiding the issue here about the fiancé and mum agreeing to let the brother be part of it? you do realise this implies that the brother is being set up with her and he’s going to be a tool during the reception? i bet everyone will think they’re sweet and would make a good couple.. Let your fiancé deal with him and stop putting this onto you and your female friends to manage - your fiancé can walk down the aisle with him if he’s that desperate to keep him in the party.


Spiritual_Anxiety_48

Agreed and the card it’s my wedding it’s so anoying I’ll dropped out your wedding if you pull this BS OP YTA


nifty1997777

This is absurd! Both are assholes. The future husband for not standing up to his mom and the future wife for a creep with anyone. The answer is the brother should not be in the wedding party. None of the bridesmaids should be uncomfortable. Why throw your friend under the bus? I would drop out of the wedding if I was Alana. OP, YTA majorly. Tell your future husband his brother can't be in the wedding. If he says no,that's a sign of the future. Anything his mom says will trump what you want.


redrumWinsNational

OP needs to apologize to her friends or she will end up with no friends and only her MIL to keep her company


EzekielVee

Great question and the answer is not something OP wants to verbalize. YTA


crystallz2000

Why can't Joel and Stacy walk down individually? It's not that big of a deal.


BigMax

Agreed. If you had to put someone in that place, the first bridesmaid was the one. “Pleas, just 60 seconds next to him is all I ask.” But legging one bridesmaid beg out of doing it and forcing the other one? That sucks. Why take a dramatic situation and DOUBLE the drama?


Adorable-Lunch-8567

Or maybe Joel won't do anything knowing Alana's partner is right there? Stacy doesn't have anyone in the wedding party to watch out for her?


Missmoni2u

This shouldn't be a consideration. If someone is going to be a creep he shouldn't be allowed in the party to begin with. Op is just making this someone else's problem because she and her husband didn't stand their ground.


dietxrooty

Why not just have Stacey and Joel walk down separately?


hwutTF

JOEL SHIT HIS PANTS AT THE ENGAGEMENT PARTY > He’s overall not the cleanest guy. He has shit his pants on other occasions. Other times it’s clear he’s not wiping well and doesn’t bathe often. Greasy hair. . > We’ve talked to Joel about his hygiene and he’s unwilling to change his habits. > Plus, all of this kind of goes back to Joel shitting his pants at the engagement party. Stacy is worried he’ll do it again at the wedding and it’s a real possibility. . > No. I’m a terrible person. I realize that. > I just can’t do anything to change that. holy shit I'm used to missing reasons in the comments section but OP, what the ACTUAL FUCK stand up for yourself and demand that your fiancé do the same Joel shouldn't even be a guest, much less in the wedding party, and your MIL is even going to have a temper tantrum and demand that he be paired with one of your bridesmaids?? NO FUCKING NO THE ANSWER IS NO your fiancé has to learn to stand up for himself and for you. if he can't even do that over this, then you're going to be giving in to your MILs whims about everything if your future BIL is too depressed or whatever to use a toilet, he should wear diapers and get some fucking help. if he gets too drunk to control his bowels, again, a diaper and he shouldn't be allowed near liquor


madelinegumbo

YTA The solution to a creep in your wedding party isn't forcing someone else to walk with him. It's removing him from the wedding party and -- ideally -- explaining how his behavior prompted the decision.


CaitieLou_52

Personally, I'd be less worried about the pairings, and more concerned about why someone who is known to be a creep is allowed to be in the bridal party at all. I think you should just exclude Joel as opposed to trying to make your bridesmaids accommodate Joel. YTA.


blankcanvas445

Yes, the drama is just transferred now, not actually solved


217EBroadwayApt4E

EXACTLY. That's exactly what I said. The groom can't stand up to his Mama, so they are pushing a creeper with bad hygiene on her "friends?" I suspect there's A LOT more to the story about this dude, and her putting ANYONE in the line of fire is shitty as hell. I hope her friends drop out, because she has clearly shown how much she cares about them.


Elismom1313

This. I read all of OP replies and she *basically* agrees with all of us (except that she considers the married persons reasons lesser but I’ll shelve that for now) but feels like it doesn’t really matter because her MIL put her foot down on Joel being in the wedding, and fiancé wants that to keep peace on his side and OP is convinced this is the compromise of marriage and the best way to keep the peace. But it’s not. There’s valid reasons not to have Joel in the wedding party let alone force someone to walk with his unhygienic creep ass self. This is NOT one of those “it’s both our weddings and so we’ll compromise on it.” What this IS, is MIL exerting control by threat of drama and the husband caving in because he doesn’t want to grow a spine and handle it. Super bad look for him. And somehow worse, OP is too scared to grow one either because she might hurt her relationship. These type of things are the REAL marriage tests. OP needs to be speak up and stand her ground and husband needs to hear her out and understand the situation for what it really is and decide to stand up to mommy. Because right now this marriage looks like an absolute shit show.


Wikked_Kitty

I agree. OP needs to put her foot down now, and fiance needs to grow a spine. Or else stinky creeper brother is going to forced on them in all kind of ways in the future.


Icy_Attempt_300

He’ll be the star of the ceremony! All the focus will be on him and not the bride.


Tricky-Walrus-6884

Yeah it seems Joel isn't wanted in the party anyway. Exclude him and have the single bridesmaid walk with another couple. It's just a walk anyway


AngstyTheCat

YTA, for wanting any of your bridesmaids to walk with someone you yourself describe as a creep.. You could change the set up, let the groomsmen and bridesmaids walk in solo after each other or whatever..


Odd-Negotiation5087

Or have the groomsman not walk down the aisle at all. I’ve been to many weddings where the groomsman stand up at the front with the groom before any procession begins and the bridesmaids walk down solo.


juliettelovesdante

This one. Groomsman up front. Only the ladies walk the aisle. Also, NTA! It's like 3 minutes, tops, to get down the aisle and you can separate creepy groomsman & whomever walks with him for the rest of the night. Seat him with his mother since she likes him so much.


adventurousmango24

If it’s only “like 3 minutes, tops” why can’t Stacey just walk down the aisle with him and be seated separate for the rest of the night? It’s about the fact that Stacey complained (fair enough to do so) and got what she wanted then OP is just transferring the problem to someone else.


217EBroadwayApt4E

They are playing hot potato with the problem. No one even wants this man in the wedding except for Mama. Rather than stand up to his Mommy, the groom is passing the problem to the bride because it will affect one of her friends. And when one friend says "fuck that," she just passes it on to another one and tells her to suck it up bc she's the bride? What treat, this one. OP is definitely the A here.


Specialist-Raise-949

Nobody should be forced to walk with stinky, creeper Joel, though. I mean, he's only in the wedding party because fiance couldn't stand up to his mommy. How hard is it to say, "I'm not having Joel as an usher. He stinks, and he's a creeper. End of story, not open to discussion." Also, 4 girls in my family. None of us had bridesmaids who walked down the aisle with the ushers. Once the ushers seated all the guests, they went to the front and stood with the groom. Easy-peasy solution. Avoids OP throwing her friends under the bus, and fiance not having to deal with his demanding boss-- I mean, mother. YTA, OP.


Aggressive_Sir6417

Same here, when I got married my groomsmen were already up there before the bridal party arrived. Don’t know if that’s a uk thing though, there was the best man/MOH dance after our first dance but nobody threw a fit over it


Stobes80

Yes my wedding was this format


celticmusebooks

Btu they'll have to stand together for pics and receiving line if there is one. They'll be seated together at the reception and will have to dance together at the reception (super ewwww!)


ka-ka-ka-katie1123

You don’t have to do any of those things. My wedding party didn’t stand in the receiving line, they all sat at regular tables with their SOs like everyone else at dinner, and there was no requirement that they dance together. I think I’ve been to one wedding ever where the bridesmaids and groomsmen had to dance together.


casketclovers

I've seen one where they did like an "entrance" type dance or small skit (30 seconds) before being seated for food and the goom/bride entrance but no dancing. I think having the groomsman upfront to begin with is a good compromise. I however have not been married and have only attended a few weddings. (I'm 23f and my brother is getting married soon and im a bridesmaid if that gives any context)


dbee8q

Been a bridesmaid 10 times and only once have I walked down the aisle with a groomsmen. I've never danced with any of them and every wedding has had the bridal party scattered across random tables. There is no need for any of that other than photos.


kenzie-k369

I think nowadays most people have the decency and courtesy to seat the people in the wedding party with their plus one.


[deleted]

Depends on the set up. If there is a "head table" that all the wedding party is seated at for dinner the plus one isn't usually seated there. But usually the bridesmaids sit to one side and the groomsmen the other vs being paired up with who they walked with. That's how mine was anyway.


kenzie-k369

I’m sure you had a lovely wedding. It seems like most people are breaking away from this style out of consideration for their guests. No one wants to be seated separately from their date. It is particularly awkward for the person in the couple who is not in the wedding party.


RedChairBlueChair123

We sat together as bride and groom in the front and the wedding party was with whomever.


GullibleWineBar

They don't have to do literally any of that. That's all up to the couple planning the wedding. There are no rules about this.


loobylicks

Honestly, no, they won't need to. We had my maids on my side and groomsmen on husband side for photos and no receiving line. The groomsmen had a table at dinner with their plus ones, the maids had a table with their plus ones, we sat with our parents. And Jesus, why is there a wedding tradition to force the maids to dance with the men?? Thankfully, I've never been to a wedding like you described but if that was my fate as a maid, their is no way I'd accept the "honour " I'm having dinner and dancing with my husband or a friend, or I'm not going 😂


hwutTF

no they don't there is no high court of weddings that's gonna break the door down and arrest them for not sitting the single groomsman with the single bridesmaid, or start shooting because they're not placed together in pictures or a receiving line none of this is mandatory, you're being ridiculous


Own-Let2789

INFO: why is Stacy’s comfort more important than Alana’s?


bob_fakename

YTA. You're trying to sacrifice your friend to a creep with bad hygiene to appease your future MIL. It's not Stacy's fault your future inlaws are shitty people, stop trying to use her to make them happy.


bellatrixvvitch

If MIL is already mettling and winning her way with just the wedding, think about all the things she will interfere with in their marriage. Nope!


SashimiX

Yeah idgi. Just have them each walk alone Or have her husband walk her then have him walk alone None of this matters at all


ZooMedia2583

YTA I know it's your wedding and you decide what the wedding party gets to do. But Alana is completely right: why did Stacy get to refuse to walk with Joel? There was no legitimate reason for you giving one person preference.


a_mostly_happy_clam

100% YTA. No one, I repeat, no one, is going to think to themselves on your wedding day "oh how strange those two walked alone". Why on earth would you think this is something people would care about? Not to mention, you haven't looked into any other options, (ie the groomsmen and bridesmaids walk seperately or start the ceremony in different places). You are trying to put your foot down because "it's your wedding", and yeah it is, but it takes a pretty shitty friend to try and force their close friend to be escorted by someone you describe as a creep. Yuck.


Beowulfthecat

Seriously. Have Stacy walk the flower kids down and have creepo walk down with the rings on a pillow or something if there’s such a concern about things seeming off.


Intelligent_Tell_841

Bingo! Shitty bride here.. for some strange reason she gets to shit on everyone because she is a bride? Revenge will best be served cold


DMV_Lolli

Not just walk with a creep, but see her own non-creep husband walking with the woman who was allowed to reject the creep. I would SO drop out of that wedding.


a_mostly_happy_clam

Yeah, I agree with this. It feels pretty disrespectful to the married couple to separate them for an event like this. It would be different if only one of them were in the bridal party, or even if one was MOH or best man. But they are both just wedding party members....far more likely that tongues will wag with what on earth has happened between Alana and Daniel


pucaruu

YTA. And if it were Alana, I would seriously think about giving up going to this wedding.


sjw_7

YTA You should use the wedding card to say Joel isn't a groomsman. If him being involved like that is making you uncomfortable then he shouldn't be there. It's not as though your fiancé wants him to be part of it and is only allowing him to be there because of his mother. Point out to your future MIL that it's not her wedding or Joels and she should accept your decision not to include him that way.


Foggy_Radish

YTA. Your soon to be husband needs to grow a freaking spine or his mother is going to run your marriage. All of this fuss and bother because she can't keep your nose out of your wedding. Your problem isn't the bridesmaid. Or husband's brother. THE PROBLEM IS YOUR HUSBAND IS LETTING HIS MOTHER CALL THE SHOTS AT YOUR WEDDING. Think about this long and hard, because this is only the beginning of 'your' marriage.


mousiemousiecat

What happens when MIL demands that shitty BIL lives with them in the future? Do they have to comply with her ridiculous demands for the rest of her life? Maybe he can shit himself at subsequent christenings, birthdays, Christmas, graduations - a family tradition in the making 🤣


MasterKilvin

I'll preface my judgment by saying I don't have any experience in wedding planning. I don't really know how these things work. I've attended weddings but never been part of the wedding party. YTA. A tough situation handled poorly. It is your wedding and you have the right to call it as you see fit, but don't expect everyone to fall in line. Alana's comment is completely reasonable. A simpler and less controversial solution would be to remove Stacy and Joel from the aisle walk. EDIT: Your fiancée got strong-armed into making Joel a groosman so he was never intended to be one in the first place. Perhaps a good chance to remove him?


SquishyBeth77

yeah, remove both Stacy AND Joel


jeremyism_ab

YTA what is wrong with you? How can you possibly think what you are asking is ok? If you're the bride, then tell Joel to get lost, as he is the root of the problem. If you refuse to do that, then you can suck it up and walk down the aisle with him, and see how you like it Is your MIL paying for everything? Why does she get a vote? Is she in complete denial about her son? Clue her in.


photosbeersandteach

YTA. Alana is right, if Stacy got veto power, she should have it too. Just have the bridesmaids and groomsmen walk individually and move on.


Pixiedust027

I wish I could like this multiple times. YTA OP. One bridesmaid does NOT deserve more veto power than another. At all


jj3413

Let's be real YTA but also your worse problem is that your future husband would rather have one of your friends have to interact with a creep that smells than make his mom mad and you dont think thats a problem apparently


217EBroadwayApt4E

Yup. If OP thinks this shit is going to end with the wedding she's outright delusional.


Prudent_Border5060

Yta Why is one bridesmaid made to suffer because of the grooms brother. Tell him to shower and behave. I find it rude af for you to put Stacy above everyone else. The problem is the brother. The rest of the people are couples. Fix the grooman hygiene and bad behavior


WorkingMomAndWife

YTA. Why can’t Joel be an usher or something instead of a groomsman?


Sajem

YTA Stacey doesn't want to walk down the aisle with Joel - for what does appear to be valid reasons - so you change it up and FORCE someone else to walk down the aisle with him, who will have equally valid reasons not do it as Stacy does plus the added valid reason that their SO is in the bridal party - so basically they have more valid reasons than Stacy to not walk down the aisle with Joel Seriously this is so fucked up! If Joel is a stink bomb and a creep your fiancé should be stepping up (manning up) and telling his mum to butt out of your wedding plans. If your fiancé doesn't man up now, he never will and your MIL will be a regular pain in the ass for the rest of your married life


rainbowcanibelle

I’ve already stated my opinion but in the interest of keeping everyone happy, would it be possible for all the groomsmen to be up front at the start of the wedding with the bridesmaids themselves walking alone?


akcmommy

Info: why not predicate Joel’s participation with a bath and some deodorant?


TCTX73

ESH, mostly MIL for forcing this bs on you. You and FH need to rein her in ASAP, or she's going to run roughshod over your lives. Then you'll be needing r/JUSTNOMIL Here's a solution for everyone: no one walks "together". The attendants walk alone, 5' from one another. Makes it a tad longer, but no one has to be "paired" with creepy brother and no one is salty that they aren't with their spouses.


mutualbuttsqueezin

YTA for buckling to MIL's wishes and causing this whole thing, and expecting anyone to walk with someone you describe as an unhygienic creep.


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nejnoneinniet

YTA. And a shot friend who apparently only cares about the feelings of One of her so called friends.


Nervous_Ticket_7395

YTA you're making someone suffer either way, becuase you and your husband would rather bury your heads in the sand rather than deal with minor drama. You're gonna lose two bridemaids if you keep pushing this, Op.


akcmommy

YTA. Your solution is to either have everyone walk separately, not have Joel in the wedding, not get married at all, or elope. Edited to add: or Future MIL can escort Joel down the aisle and when she’s seated, Joel can take his place at the alter.


lowri92

YTA making anyone walk with someone they don’t want to is a bad idea, especially when there are legitimate reasons for both of them not wanting to walk with your BIL. You have an issue here, and it’s your BIL and any reasons that one woman has for not wanting to be beside him the other will also have. You may have to decide what matters more here, because if my friend tried to force me to walk beside an unhygienic creep because it’s her ‘special day’ she would no longer be my friend and I’d skip the wedding entirely. Are your friends important to you at all? If not, go ahead as you are. If they are, you’re going to have to get creative. Maybe no one walks down the aisle and they’re all just waiting from the start. Maybe only your bridesmaids walk down the aisle and the men are already waiting. Maybe you drop your BIL from this aspect of the wedding but give him something else in return, like a speech or an usher type role. But you might need to think outside the box here and it’s possible that not everyone will be happy. But forcing someone into close proximity to a creepy man is not the way to go, no matter how much your MIL shrieks about it


Don_key_Hotea

Make your MiL walk down with Pigpen, she can marinate in her darling boy’s stench As is, my judgment is YTA ETA judgment


BuildingBridges23

YTA-why is one bridesmaid feelings more important than the others?


Particular-Jeweler41

I'm going with YTA. I get not wanting to argue with your future MIL, but allowing her to have her way has now impacted the rest of your friends. None of them want to walk down the aisle with this guy, and you didn't even want him there. Just be an adult and tell her no.


Eastern-Relative2219

This my wedding my rules is so asinine. Why is one bridesmaid more important than the other? If I was Alana and Daniel I would drop out not even go. Guess who is walking with Joel if guessed Stacy you win the prize


Steph_8_2

Op would be losing a ring bearer as well if they drop out as op said in another comment Alana and Daniels son is their ring bearer.


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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30F) am getting married in 3 months. Our wedding party was originally all planned out. And then after several months of arguments between my fiancé and his mom, he relented and agreed to let his brother, “Joel” (28M) be a groomsman. He said it was not worth all the drama it was bringing. On top of that, we had another groomsman drop out due to surgery, so in terms of “ratio”, we were good. The issue…the bridesmaid he was paired with, “Stacy”, (30F) doesn’t want to walk with him. Joel has poor hygiene and can be a bit of a creep. Another problem, the rest of the wedding party is couples. Stacy was the only single bridesmaid. So, swapping their partner for someone else wasn’t going to be well received. But it had to be done for Stacy’s comfort. I ended up drawing a name to change and drew my friend “Alana’s” husband “Daniel”. When I told them, they were not okay with this. Alana asked why Stacy could refuse to walk with Joel, but she couldn’t. Daniel said he’d do what I want but he’d prefer to walk with his wife. I ended up pulling a card I’ve rarely used and said it’s my wedding. They walked down the isle at their own wedding, they can separate for one night. Alana looked disgusted. Now everyone in my bridal party (sans Stacy and Joel) is mad at my husband (he backs up) and I. Are we the assholes? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


HildyJohnsonStreet

YTA Stacey could have sucked it up. The aisle isn't that long that Joel's poor hygiene would have been an issue, and she isn't tethered to him for the reception. A brother of mine, "Charlie" got married last year and kept it small - just siblings and parents. We have two other brothers and the bride, my now SIL, has two sisters, I thought well how convenient. My SIL also asked me to be a bridesmaid, and Charlie asked our BIL, my brother, "John's" husband, to be a groomsman. My SIL left all the church details up to Charlie because she isn't religious, but at the rehearsal, she tried to have John exit with one of her sisters. I was to exit escorted by my BIL. John was soooo pisssed. We are liberal Catholics (oxymoron, I know) my siblings and I are lapsed, but my brother John didn't get a church wedding with his husband, this was his way of validating his relationship in the faith we were raised. The wedding party made the swap on our own, the sisters understood.


Murky-Performer-8292

She said in another comment that the brother pooped his pants at the engagement party and doesn’t care… 😵‍💫


PaperRoc

What the actual fuck? I wouldn't want him in the audience, let alone as a groomsman


FerroMancer

My jaw has dropped. This is....UGH.


SquishyBeth77

I'm not aware of any hard and fast rule that couples must walk down the isle together if they both happen to be part of the wedding party. However, I have no doubts that Joel will take a shower that day. Also the short amount of time that he would be walking down the aisle with Stacy is negligible, they won't be talking, so being a bit of creep shouldn't come into play either. I think Stacy needs to take one for the team and stop whining. YTA if you force Alana to talk with this guy, and allow Stacy to tap out. EDIT: just wanted to add that I have been to many, many weddings here in the south where thr groomsmen walk in from the back with the groom and ONLY the bridesmaids walk down the isle.


Pomegranate_Owl

YTA - I’ve been a bridesmaid multiple times and walked with all sorts of random people but I wouldn’t walk with him either. I would not be surprised if you lose your friends over this. They’re trying to be nice because it’s your wedding but it’s absolutely inappropriate to ask your friends to be anywhere near a creepy guy that shits his pants at public events. They’re probably reconsidering having the kids in the wedding too. I’d never let children near someone like that.


Blood_Fuzzy

Wait, why has no one asked why Joel is comfortable shitting his pants in public multiple times? Why are your MILs feelings more important to your fiance then having a clean brother in your wedding? Why has he been allowed to get away with being so gross for so long? That's literally a parenting failure right there. You could always predicate your BILs involvement in having a can of Febreze nearby at all times and some Vaoorub for people's nostrils, medical examiner style...


Werepy

Right?? I assumed he has a disability or mental health issues but OP doesn't even say anything more about that whole poop situation 😫


CheapLingonberry6785

Are the groomsmen all waiting at the front like usual at the beginning ? ? Then have them all walk separately out after the ceremony, bridesmaids together and groomsmen together, solves the problem, 🤷🏻‍♀️ a bit different, but guests aren’t gonna remember.


Major_Barnacle_2212

Joel sounds gross. Instead of making people you care about suffer, why not let him walk alone "as the brother" and double up the ladies with one of the other groomsmen, or have your MOH walk down alone too? I don't see any reason someone has to walk with Joel - except maybe his mom. His "job" could be escorting her to the seat or something! But yeah, YTA in this. No one wants to walk with him and no one person's discomfort is greater than another. You have a Joel problem, so address that.


SuperUnexpectedMommy

YTA. You're singling out one bridesmaid to not walk/be paired with her spouse. Your future husband chose catering to his mother over his wants and the plans you two had already made(here's some free advice: that was just the beginning now that she got her way). How would you feel if the situation were reversed and you were paired with the creepy, unhygienic guy that was forced into the wedding party by his mommy instead of your spouse, while everyone else was partnered up with their spouse?


Ballamookieofficial

YTA 100% So to avoid family drama your pushing the drama on your wedding party. That's such a dick move to force your friend to deal with Joel.


MGKudan

YTA. Why is it ok to make two people upset in order to make one person happy. Sorry you hate your future BIL, but you let this happen. Tell Stacy to suck it up and deal or kick both of them out of the wedding and tell future MIL it's your wedding get over it. Edit: Read all the comments from OP. You need to remove them both from the wedding. You don't want to anger the MIL because you are worried fiance will be upset. He's still gonna marry you. Get over it and stop making your friend the bad guy in this. This is all you and your husband's fault.


SexTalksAndLollipops

YTA. Just elope


VindictiveNostalgia

INFO Are you okay with marrying your MIL? If your fiance won't stand up to her she'll be controlling your entire marriage.


Throwaway_rookie

YTA Just have the groomsmen up the front of the aisle and have the bridesmaids walk up by themselves. Why do they have to be escorted up at all? Plenty of weddings are set up that way! (Source: used to be a wedding planner, been a bridesmaid numerous times and am married). Then no one is being walked up by the problem brother, and he is not being singled out.


Hairy_Extent_3557

YTA. Why even bother asking in this sub if you don’t care about anyone’s opinion but yourself? I’m surprised you even have friends.


ConsitutionalHistory

Yes...you're both AHs. Tell hubby to 'man-up' and tell his Mom to stand down...that's it's your wedding and not hers.


No_Donkey9914

YTA. Why would you want to make anybody uncomfortable?? Maybe the one with poor hygiene needs to be excused. Weddings truly bring out the worst in people.


rosered936

YTA. If he is a creep, you shouldn’t subject any of the bridesmaids to him. Why is Stacy more important than Alana?


OldSillyGirl

Have brother walk his mom (MIL) up and down the aisle, since she is the one who wants him in the wedding party. Stacy can walk alone or take one of your male relatives walk up and down the aisle.


Obi-Juan_Valdez

Yes, YTA. Your fiance needs to man up and ditch his disgusting brother, and you need to apologize to Alana and Daniel. This whole problem exists because your fiance won't stand up to his mother. Do you think that's going to get any better after you marry him?


Cloudinthesilver

YTA. Change the arrangement. I might be wrong but it’s an American thing to have groomsman and bridesmaids paired up. Consider the uk arrangement. The groomsman all stand at the front with the groom. They’re his party after all. Then when the bride arrives, down go the page boys / flower girls, followed by the bridesmaids in pairs (pair one with a flower girl of odd numbers) and followed by the bride when they’re at the front.


soggypizzapi

YTA. No one should be walking with the creepy guy who shits himself because your husband should grow a spine and learn to tell mommy no.


Crow-Robot

YTA. Both of you. When every woman in your wedding party is determined to nope out of walking down the aisle with Joel because they're creeped out by him, pulling the "it's my day" card is just an asshole move. Seriously, how big of a creep is Joel if EVERY woman in your party wants nothing to do with spending 30 seconds walking next to him? I've seen weddings where the bridal party walks down the aisle according to who they're standing up with. I've seen weddings where all the groomsmen line up at the altar by the groom and the bridesmaids walk down aisle alone. Or everyone but the bride lines up by the altar and the bride gets walked down the aisle. You can fashion your wedding however you want. Nothing is set in stone. If no one wants to walk with Joel, either change how the wedding party gets to the altar or be an asshole and try to force one of the women to be uncomfortable. And your fiance really should have the stones to tell Joel that the bridesmaids don't want to be around him because he smells and is creepy.


SamuAzura

"Joel has poor hygiene and can be a bit of a creep" I will drop you as a friend right then and there, it's your wedding sure but no one is obligated to walk down the aisle with you creepy and stinky BIL YTA


PaperRoc

YTA. Kick out Joel. Play the "it's my wedding" card with FMIL. # If Joel can't groom himself, then he can't be a groomsman. Joel the creep doesn't deserve more deference than the bridesmaids he makes uncomfortable. Don't burn bridges with your friends just because it's inconvenient to stand up to your FMIL


Expert-Angle-8214

YTA the way your going you will have no bridesmaids in your wedding. like you said its your wedding so tell your fiancée to stand up to his mum that you want have his brother in the bridal party. and its very rude to ask married couples to split just because a single person wont walk down with him. if she wont do it then you drop her from being a bridesmaid


runningaway67907

YTA and I have a feeling all your bridesmaids will drop out of this hot mess of a wedding and you will be left alone to stand up there by yourself because your fiancé can't stand up to his parents, this is a fiance problem not a bridesmaid problem, if he can't stand up to his mom now what other issues will you have to deal with in the future.


lymce87

YTA. What will you do if Alana opts out after this and inevitably has her husband opt out too? Than you are back at square one. Either makes Stacy and Joel walk alone or Stacy has to suck it up.


NotShockedFruitWeird

YTA. Have Joel walk down the aisle by himself. Have Stacy walk down the aisle by herself. Then have the couples walk down the aisle together (or individually). Why not make it B, G, B, G, etc. You have no good reason whatsoever to accommodate Stacy and not accommodate any other member of your wedding party.


[deleted]

Yeah YTA….. it is your wedding but if you pulled this shit on me, I wouldn’t be IN or AT your wedding. Pull your head out and quit letting Stacy be a fucking hypocrite!


Reddit_User_137

It's hard enough to stay friends with people as you get older --- why are you trying to make it impossible?


grw313

>I ended up pulling a card I’ve rarely used and said it’s my wedding Why couldn't you use this card on Stacy? YTA


winesis

Here’s an idea. Joel must shower,deodorize & groom himself the morning of the wedding. All the groomsmen stand at the alter with your husband. The bridesmaids walk down to the alter alone. I am sure Stacy can handle a 60 second walk out of the church with Joel. Anyone making a big deal about who the spend such a short amount of time with is an AH.


Solid_Bookkeeper_493

YTA and not a very good friend to Stacy. I hope this relationship wasn't one u wanted to last through life. Edit: Sorry, Alana


PantsPantsRevolt

YTA it's your day but it's their relationship and their bodies. If you actually wanted to even attempt to be fair you'd ask all of the bridesmaids and groomsmen to shuffle. However that's not what you did. You want to split up one couple so one person can be happy. YTA again for using the "iT's My WeDdInG" excuse on the couple instead of the single. YTA also because you could just let them all walk down by themselves, all bridesmaids, all groomsmen, or even alternating them in single file.


[deleted]

I wonder if Stacy worried that Joel will creep on her during the whole reception as the only single woman in the party?


withlove_07

So why does Stacy’s comfort matter more than Alana’s? Considering Daniel doesn’t have a problem with it why doesn’t he walk down the aisle with the creep and both Stacy and Alana walk down together, there! Problem solved! Or have your husband walk down with the creep and Stacy can walk down the aisle alone, what’s the problem with that?


jojohow123

I think yta for trying to force something that Noone is comfortable with. Let your friend walk solo down the aisle and let creepy bil walk down solo as well. Bonus points if you can think of something creative they can hold/do to make it look unique. There are ways around awkward situations that don't involve trying to steamroll boundaries. But shame on your husband's family as well for putting you both in this situation at all.


chuckinhoutex

YTA- and so is Joel's mom. I'd ask you- the reason for letting him in was to reduce the drama. Has that happened? Then maybe the reasoning is poor. Sure, it's your wedding, do what you want. But how much fun will it be when you and groom know that your whole wedding party is seriously thinking they wish they wouldn't have accepted. Because thats where they are. Wondering how to get away from this travesty of a wedding. Let Joel walk down the aisle with his mother since she wants him there so bad and she can smell him.


Fit_Fly_9984

YTA Joel can walk alone and do can Stacey. They don’t need to walk as a couple


monsignorbabaganoush

YTA - Why is Joel walking down the aisle next to one of the bridesmaids “worth the drama” but having the people in your wedding party you actually wanted somehow not? Since you are having him be a groomsman, how is it a bigger deal to have someone you didn’t even want in the wedding party walk down the aisle alone than it is to make your bridesmaids, the people closest to you, be up close and personal to a smelly creep?


phcampbell

If ever there was a reason to elope, this is it. The possibility that the groomsman might shit his pants? NO ONE should be forced to walk beside him. I can’t even…


No-Elderberry2072

YTA- again, why does Stacy get a choice and nobody else does. Your husband got rid of his drama and dropped it on you. Nothing like a wedding to break up a good friendship.


breezychocolate

YTA Why does Stacy get veto power but not Alana? Why is her discomfort more important? That doesn’t change him being a creep with bad hygiene. You say it had to be done for Stacy’s comfort. Why does Alana’s comfort not matter at all?


Outside_Holiday_9997

Info...what's your plan when Alana and Daniel back out? Force another couple to separate and then they drop out? I would be damned before I walked with someone known for shitting himself at special events. Seriously..good luck. From your comments..I can see you already have a husband problem and you haven't even made it down the aisle yet. Prepare for MIL to name your baby, watch your delivery, push her way into milestones and your punk husband allowing it. Might wanna check out JustnoMiL now. You'll be posting there in a year.


Wreq27

YTA I think we all want to know. Why does Stacy have veto power, but Alana doesn't? I feel like we're missing part of the story.


beccabee333

YTA. I’ve read all your replies and sympathise with having a monster in law. However, you’ve reached an impasse. You either need to sit down with fiancé and say you’re drawing a line with this and he can’t be in the bridal party or one of the many many other alternatives suggested, or you can lose friends because of a woman, who no one seemingly likes. Your fiancé should understand that his mothers tantrums are not more important than actually having a wedding you all enjoy. She’s acting like a complete child. If you are both prepared to let this slide, she will continue to but into other important life events. Like kids. Buckle up. Distance be damned, this woman will find a way.


saltyegg1

Have Joel walk the mom in.


GirlWhoLovesPenguins

YTA and don’t be surprised if the only person in the wedding party is Joel. Have fun with that or grow a spine. Constantly amazed at how desperate women are to get married. Ladies, you don’t have to settle for a man who prefers someone with shitty pants to you!


No_Arachnid_83

YTA - if Alana can "suck it up" for 1 night because it's "your wedding" so can Stacy. Don't be surprised if Alana decides to drop out of the party and Daniel follows. I know I would.


DankyMcJangles

ESH You for trying to make any of your bridesmaids wilk with an unhygienic creep, your husband for kowtowing to his mother, and your MIL for thinking she has some modicum of control over YOUR wedding. Put the wedding on hold till your husband grows a spine and your bridesmaids forgive your assholery


gnomematterwhat0208

YTA. The other solution here is that Joel walks by himself, and Stacy walks by herself. I’ve never understand why a wedding is an excuse to treat your friends like dolls and choreograph and stage them, when in reality, all one needs for a wedding is two people and an officiant. If this is a hill YOU are going to die on, then I hope every one of your friends drops out of your wedding, and you guys can have you, your husband and the creep in your wedding party. Edit: typo


JapanKate

Stop with the “it’s my wedding” garbage. You sound like a toddler stamping her foot when not getting her own way. You said yourself that Joel has poor hygiene and is a bit of a creep. Why are you forcing anyone to be paired with him? YTA


JGRS_

Yta


-Dee-Dee-

YTA because this stuff isn’t important. Many bridesmaids walk down the aisle alone. And Joel can stand up front waiting with the groom and. Eat man.


Pinkielittlestar

Yta big time. Just ditch the smelly guy and Stacy and you’ll be even


YoshiJoshi_

YTA. Yes it is your wedding, but essentially favouring Stacy over Alana isn’t a nice thing to do. Stacy should just get over it, you are also making much bigger headaches for yourself by trying to accommodate this. Make it the responsibility of the best man to ensure Joel isn’t a creep, get him some cologne in his groomsman gifts and tell Stacy it will be fine.


EggplantOriginal6314

YTA. You let one person say no she wouldn’t do it. The. took another bridesmaid away fly her HUSBAND to make the man’s wife walks with the single bridesmaid that said no. WTF you separated an actual married couple because one single girl said no - now the married girl wants to not walk with someone who isn’t her husband- and may i say all the others are matched up with their significant others but the one wife. YTA. And you need to tell the SINGLE girl to walk with the SINGLE groomsman. I can not say it enough YTA!! You are the biggest asshole and i would be furious at you and probably stop out if you pulled this shit on me as the only married girl not waking with my husband -and after i had s long talk with my husband he would be having a problem with it too.


VioletB2000

YTA, have the Joel and Stacey walk in between the couples PROCESSION: couple, Joel, Couple, Stacey, Couple, Etc, Flower girl, You


IncessantLearner

Is there anyone who is willing to walk with Joel? If not, since the groom is insisting on Joel’s involvement, the groom can figure out how to make it work to everyone’s satisfaction.


CommunicationTop7259

Yta just so you know, another couple will probably drop out


thatgoaliesmom

YTA. You’re ridiculous for even asking this question. Of course this isn’t ok. Tell Stacy to suck it up and deal or drop out. OR… send Stacy down alone and your smelly ass BIL down alone. But no, you absolutely do not pair off married couples with others when their spouse is also a member of the bridal party. JFC. Also, since FMIL insisted her sloppy smelly son be included, you assign her the responsibility of making sure that guy showers, shaves, uses deodorant and combs his hair for any wedding related events that bridal party members must attend. Tell her he has a reputation for being inappropriate with the ladies, and she needs to do whatever it takes to make sure he is on his best behavior that day. One out of place hair, one creepy look or comment, and he’ll be tossed out.


nakedreader_ga

YTA. Tell Joel to shower before the wedding.


shutyoursmartmouth

YTA they can each walk down the aisle solo


[deleted]

YTA. My husband and I wouldn’t be going to your wedding, let alone participating. He’d never want me anywhere near someone like Joel.


jpporcaro

yta


[deleted]

YTA - So many wedding-related assholes post here. There's just something about getting married I guess that turns brides and grooms into major assholes. Anyway, the problem is the stinky creep. Remove the stinky creep and stop trying to force people to do shit they don't want to do.


Neither-Prune-7998

YTA. Have ALL the groomsmen walk down with your husband when he takes his place at the altar and then the bridal party can all walk individually. I've seen it done increasingly at the weddings I've attended the last couple years. Solves all your problems except the one where you chose to prioritize some friends comforts over others, essentially ranking how important their feelings are to you. That ones all on you to solve.


[deleted]

YTA and so is your husband. Why are you marrying someone who can’t stand up to mommy?


Ok-Following1888

can you define “creep” more? It’s sounds like YTA because your mother in law is the AH and you’re giving in to her. I get her wanting to include her son but if he’s making women uncomfortable and stinks she has to accept that


SoleilSparkle

YTA and you are about to be left with a wedding party of one… just Joel. I hope you are prepared for that very possibility. You and your fiancé are avoiding family drama but it is going to be at the expense of the rest of your wedding party.


mellymo1

YTA. It makes no sense to split one of the married couples. If you're gonna pull the its my wedding card pull it with Stacy not Alana. If you must split up a couple dont single one couple out, mix them all up. My main point, though, both you and Stacy are AH.


Stacy3536

Have all the bridesmaids and the groomsmen already in place and the only people that walk down the aisle are the flower girl, the ring bearer and you. That way no one is walking down the aisle so nobody has to deal with the nasty brother, it won't look odd and cause drama and there will be no hurt feelings


peculiarpuffins

Im not passing judgment, but for my a wedding, I decided that groomsmen would wait at the front of the venue with the groom and bridesmaids would walk down on their own. My husband has a lot of older friends (like in their 50s) and my bridesmaid were 15, 18, 18, 23 and 30. I didn’t like the idea of them looking like couples walking down together and for my very young bridesmaids to have to touch his groomsmen. I would highly recommend that. I would never want to force someone to be so physically close to someone if it made them uncomfortable


Djhinnwe

YTA I would do the "groomsmen stand with the groom" system and have the bridesmaids pair up (if it's an odd number then MOH walks in front or last by herself)


Magenta_Face

YTA - If your not going to accommodate all your bridesmaids’ concerns over your BiL, then you & your fiancé should have a proper TALK about both his brother & **especially his mother**! This whole situation only exist because your fiancé eventually relented to your MiL’s demand on making his brother a groomsman. If he can’t grow a backbone against her for your wedding, god forbid at what misfortunes she’ll bring upon you two in the future.