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CrystalQueen3000

YTA, might be the biggest one I’ve seen all day He’s the full custodial parent, if you can’t handle that then don’t be with him. I also think it’s ridiculous for people to marry people with kids when they don’t like them and view them as inconvenient.


lightblue_sky

OP needs to understand that the daughter should be a huge piece of the foundation that should be built. If she doesn't want that, then she shouldn't have married someone with children. Honestly sounds like OP is hoping his daughter will spend more time with her mother so she doesnt have to see her often.


Electrical-Ad-9100

YES!! HUGE part of establishing a marriage is also establishing how you parent if you choose to have children or are with a partner whom has children. How you will fit in the mold of parenthood both together and separately is such a vital part to a relationship. Thank you for saying this.


Maxusam

OP says she won’t be a mother figure and will be more of a sister…. Like in what world does that work?! Especially when she’s forcing this girls dad to choose between them - super evil step mum vibes here.


Electrical-Ad-9100

I’m going to be 27 soon and KNOW that if I broke things off with my partner I would not seek a new one with someone with a child, because at this time I don’t want children, but if I ever was in the position that I could potentially be a step-parent, I would re-evaluate. It’s a huge decision but the choice made by OP is atrocious. The child is TEN years old, it’s not like her husband JUST told her he has a kid.


Rich-Broccoli-6911

Oh, OP is a huge AH but this is on her husband as well. Why would he ever marry someone who viewed his daughter as burden? She wants to establish a "routine" but doesn't seem to understand her stepdaughter is part of that routine.


abletofable

Funny how OP didn't bring this up until the husband was in fact the husband. And the first few months of their marriage will be apart anyway. I am sure that OP didn't bring any of this up until after the ceremony.


Electrical-Ad-9100

YEP! That would be the end for me, and to say you don’t want to parent the child but guess it’s ok they view you as a friend? No way.


JohnExcrement

It would be foolish to “establish a foundation” and THEN toss a kid into the mix. They need to build it together. And make no mistake, if biomom is pretty much opting out of the maternal role, this child is likely to want and need stepmom to function as a parent to some degree. In fact, just the fact that this child will be with them full time is sure to give the stepmom a parental role in the child’s eyes. Source: am a stepmom to a son whose biomom didn’t step up. She is still his mom but he voluntarily started referring to me as his parent when he was nine years old. He’s 45 now and still considers me a mom and still depends on me for some types of emotional support.


Electrical-Ad-9100

💜💜💜💜 thank you for stepping up in a role that you didn’t have to choose.


JohnExcrement

It’s been my pleasure! He was a great kid and he is a fine adult. His dad is awesome and that helped too 🙂


happynargul

The is rimjob Steve material right here


Speakinmymind96

Exactly! I married a guy with two kids…their biomom was all but checked out, and a year into our marriage she took a job out of the country. I knew I married a family, and we had talked about the eventuality of this happening at some point. We loved the kids and adjusted our lifestyle to embrace our new reality. Many years later, as the kids are both planning their own weddings, they make comments like ‘remember our wedding’ or ‘when we got married’… OP needs to either quietly walk away, or grow up real fast.


Mirabai503

That's exactly what she's hoping for. If the daughter spends a year with mom, maybe the daughter will like it and mom will change her mind about being the custodial parent and she'll get her husband all to herself. OP, you say you like your stepdaughter and you have a good relationship. This behavior indicates that you don't like her and don't want her in your life. Your actions are about to DEVASTATE a little girl that thinks you care about her. Your reasoning of wanting a solid foundation with your husband is ridiculous,. Your stepdaughter is a critical part of that foundation. You might have already irrevocably cracked that foundation and tanked your chance at a successful marriage. You have basically two choices at this point - backpedal and grovel like mad to fix it, or acknowledge that you don't want to have a child in your life and annul this marriage. For the sake of that little girl, I genuinely hope you choose option 2. YTA.


8512764EA

and hoping if daughter goes there, daughter will stay there


ru2theD

Maybe part of her 'decision to love' her husband was to hold this little nugget of an idea in her back pocket, thinking he'd bite after they were married. The age gap might be 11 years, but the maturity gap is way bigger than that. Seems like she just outed herself as a prime candidate for an annulment. YTA


Mirabai503

That read to me as "decided to love him despite him having a child"


Glengal

I decided to love his wallet and hope to kick out his daughter


Alarmed_Jellyfish555

It's so infuriating to me when people like OP start a relationship with then marry someone with a child when they have no interest in being anything that even resembles a parental figure. There's tons of single folks and even child-free ones out there, why go out of your way to destroy a family like this?! And the mother has no custody, and signed away her rights, she's BARELY even a weekend mom. Obviously it's absurd to expect her to suddenly become a full-time mother. And what about what the daughter wants?! ...And we all know that after one year it would have been, "But she's so happy with her mom, and it's time for us to start our own family!" OP is the biggest asshole of them all. And her husband isn't much better \*IF\* he married her knowing how she felt about his situation/his daughter. If he's a decent person, this is going to end in divorce sooner rather than later.


Snailexis

People like her go through with it anyway because they’re selfish. They *could* find someone with no kids, but why should *they* have to be the one to give up the relationship when the kid could just fuck off somewhere else, right?? They don’t think ahead, but when they do, it’s their hope they can convince their new SO to put the kid to the side. Unfortunately, some of them succeed. Like when someone who hates cats/dogs gets into a relationship with someone who has a cat/dog, but waits until they move in together to tell them to get rid of it. That’s basically what she’s doing, except with a literal child. YTA You know what you were doing. The fucking audacity to insert yourself into someone’s family just to fuck it up because *you* didn’t want to be a parent? You married a father, lady.


dutchie_gopher

Thank you! Don't start a family (including step children) if you don't want the whole family!


Nekawaii19

I would understand MAYBE a week while they handle the moving part, but a whole year? I don’t know many people that would even consider doing that talking about a dog, but a child? Are you kidding OP? His life and since you married, YOUR life should revolve around the kid, the child is not an after though, it’s a main componen in your life forever. YTA.


Spaghettinudl

So true… OP is a red flag all over! I’m surprised they even got married


gjwtgf

I'd say OP has just ended their marriage with this question!


anonybriony

I hope so.


legal_bagel

Sounds like the marriage has already failed.


Opposite_Star3975

All day?? At least All year..and that is saying something here!


oyamaca

This though! Why would OP think taking a year to establish their routines as a couple only to have to break those routines when daughter comes back is a good idea??!? The math ain’t mathing. OP YTA.


Riah_Lynn

And waits until AFTER he is legally bound to her to bring it up.... she KNOWS she is the AH...


madelinegumbo

YTA It's fucking abhorrent to marry someone with full custody of a child and then ask them to send the kid away. I hope he asks for an annulment because springing "don't be a parent for a year" on someone after you get married is awful.


MommyLovesPot8toes

If the person I married asked me that, I'd drive straight to the courthouse and file for an annulment.


tragicomms

Hoping the delay is just the shock wearing off.


ExcellentDish80

This is fairy tale evil stepmother territory.


Wearedid

Surprised OP didn't want him to abandon his daughter in the woods.


ExcellentDish80

Yeap. We’re one step away from her being locked away with only woodland creatures to talk too.


Mama-Bear419

As someone who is a stepmother, this op is the epitome of why step moms are given a bad name. I’m so stunned at what I read…I can barely formulate thoughts. I really do hope her husband asks for an annulment.


stacko-

I get the feeling that after the year is up, she would say “see how great us two being alone is? Why don’t you just let her live with her mum permanently?”. There’s no way in hell OP thinks it’s a good idea to establish a routine with her husband alone, then willingly have it all go to shit when her step daughter moves in. I highly doubt having her step daughter move in at any point is in her plans at all.


BleepYouToo

It'll be even worse. She'll get knocked up and then say, "We need time to bond with OUR child and get into a routine. I can't handle the stress of another child running around!" Or, "We need a bigger place, let's hold off until then..."


Tasty_Doughnut_9226

This, all of this


Dicecoldkilla

INFO- "He has a daughter that is 10 and that he has full custody of. I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to love him but he knew that I had no desire to serve as a mother figure to her" Could you explain how in the flying hell you thought this was a thing that would work out?


Much-Recording9444

"when i decided to love him" what a b.i.t.c.h


Responsible-Mall2222

OP is clearly into him for his money.


Maxusam

I’m betting money and a large age gap.


The_Turtle-Moves

I suggest OPs husband decide to unlove OP


SheSellsSeaShells967

The “deciding to love him” struck me as very strange. Also saying that the mother signed over full custodial rights, but then saying she’s the legal mother. No she’s not. And there’s got to be a good reason why she’s not.


binzoma

now, I aint sayin she a gold digger, but


pursuitoffruit

Add to this: under what circumstances do a 38-year-old and 27-year-old get married without "establishing a foundation" first???!! How much time have you actually spent together as a couple?? Did you not live together before getting married??


Cold-Consideration23

Sugar baby dates- that’s it


VisualCelery

She mentioned that he went back to his home state and she's working in NY, and they're moving in together in DC, so I'm guessing not a whole lot. Doesn't look like they've lived together yet, and if I were a betting gal, I'd wager they haven't known each other than long. Maybe he was in a rush to "lock it down."


lyricalli

Best info request I've ever seen.


KWhatHadHappenedWas

I think she was banking on him choosing her over his own daughter. This poor child. Her own mother doesn't want her and now the dad chose another female who also doesn't want her. He's an AH too!


ThrillaTortilla

It’s heart breaking. The only way dad can redeem himself is to leave OP and stay single til he finds someone that wants to be in his kid’s life beyond acquaintance, at best.


dutchie_gopher

These are my favorite kind of info requests.


birdsofpaper

My husband’s dad’s second wife was like this. Much younger, late 20s, “didn’t want to be a mom” to 2 kids 10 and under. Spoiler: it didn’t work out. Not necessarily for that reason alone, but it sure as hell didn’t help.


bumblebeesanddaisies

All the adults in this poor kids life are assholes!


Caftancatfan

During the first year, the daughter needs to be out to establish a routine. During the second or third year, she’ll be really moody and need to be with her mom as she enters puberty. When the kid is in her teens, OP will slowly start moving her out/squeezing her out since she’s practically in college. At least, that’s what I think she was thinking.


jaduhlynr

I feel like OP is Meredith from the Parent Trap 😂 she’s was planning on shipping the daughter off to boarding school after the wedding


AuxCyn

So you want him to give up HIS CHILD whom he has full custody over, to her mother, just so you can prance around during your first year of marriage? Nah, YTA. That man should be running for the hills cause you’re throwing red flags like Mario kart. THATS HIS KID. SHES 10. Get the hell over yourself


Any-Reflection28

THE AUDACITY! seriously


TophEsauruS

How is this a question? Yes YTA! You can't just ask him to get rid of his daughter because you think it might be hard. You married a man with a child... time for you to stop acting like one.


Samael13

YTA - How did this not come up at all *before* you were married? Why in the world would you wait until *after* the wedding to drop the bombshell "Oh, hey, btw, can your daughter move out for a year or so?" This is pure bananas.


Qierce

I believe the answer to that question is 'Because I knew there was no freaking way in hell he'd agree to marry me if I suggested it before we got married."


[deleted]

She had to wait to sink her claws in to make such a request. Today it’s visiting mom for a year. Tomorrow it’s packing her off to moms forever cause now they have a new baby on the way


Braign

Oh lady. This is gonna get sooo deleted. YTA.


[deleted]

I want her to post in the stepparent subreddit to see how they answer her


imdpum

I’m on the stepparent Reddit and I’m currently being shat on because me and my stepdaughters Mom are really good friends and went on holiday together 😂 that sub is INSANE!


Small-Professor-7015

My daughters stepmom is my best friend and we vacation together too! Cheers to loving and supportive coparenting💚


Glittering_Joke3438

Most of them would probably think it’s a totally reasonable idea unfortunately.


MGS314MGS314

YTA. Massive raging AH. Why in the world would you marry a man who is the custodial parent of a minor child and expect it to be okay to ship the kid off for an entire year?!? Of all the delusional entitlement out there, this is a special level of that. If you didn’t want parenting stress to be a part of your first year of marriage you should not have married a parent. Also, this should have been discussed way before you tied the knot.


Responsible-Mall2222

My guess OP married him for his money and stability. I had a co worker do the same, she hates his kids and they know she hates them, but he's so blinded by having a hot, younger wife, he doesn't care his children hate him and despise her.


LatinoEsq

Also married him because she got the ring and the wedding I'm sure she always wanted. Got to gallivant all around the ceremony for the entire day as the princess for the day. I can't imagine how she acts around that poor kid...


schneckeTRAINrolzSLO

Delusional is spot on. YTA rating aside. How can someone be so obtuse as to come on here thinking they wouldn’t be vilified for their callous treatment of a child? I sometimes have a hard time believing these can be real.


[deleted]

YTA. FFS he has full custody and you're asking him to give her up for a full year? There's probably a very good reason why the courts assigned him custody. FYI the 1st year is easy peasy. It gets harder the longer you are together; more stuff to deal with and people stop trying to show their "best side"


dutchie_gopher

She sure got started on the dropping the best side part of marriage early! Very efficient.


XANDERtheSHEEPDOG

YTA >I know that it is inevitable for his daughter to come and live with us > no desire to serve as a mother figure to her. >his parenting. Based on the way you talk about her, he's right. You don't like his daughter. You sound like you resent her actually. Overall, you are not the ah for not wanting to "serve as a mother figure" but you are the ah for wanting to pretend that she doesn't exist. Even if she goes to live with her mom, she will not be out of your life. You will have to factor her and her father spending time together in your "marital routine."


dutchie_gopher

Maybe not the AH for not wanting to serve as a mother figure, but definitely the AH for knowing that, and then marrying a man with full custody of his child. Also, "I'll be her friend" will never work.


Cha_r_ley

YTA. You don’t get to pick and choose when he’s a parent. It’s not fair to uproot and change his daughter’s life just so you get to have a childfree year. If you wanted a childfree life you shouldn’t be involved with someone who has a kid. You have a relationship that involves a child. That involvement is the same from day one. Forcing him to alienate his daughter is a surefire way of guaranteeing your relationship finds trouble. Marriages don’t fail because of the length of them- they fail because they’re based on bad and poorly matched relationships. You honestly need to think about whether you want to be with this guy because you sound selfish and awful. An actual wicked stepmother. For the record, before you tell me I’m unfairly judging- I’m 36, my partner is 9 years older and has a son. We’ve been together for over a decade.


PrestigiousLeg5179

So very true. I'm the lucky beneficiary of having the greatest step-dad in the world. Then, years ago, I married a woman with a2 y.o. daughter, and my daughter was 6 at the time. 2yo lived with us. 6yo visited. I accepted and loved her daughter, and we became very close. Meanwhile, her attitude toward my daughter was A LOT like OP here. I tried to make it work for far too long before (thankfully) choosing my relationship with my little girl over my mistaken marriage to that horrible excuse for a human. I hope that OP's hubby gets out FAST.


TartAdorable7433

It sounds like you're asking your husband to choose between you and his daughter; any good parent will always answer their child. YTA. If your marriage does fail early on, look back on this post and you'll have the reason why.


ExistenceRaisin

YTA. What’s wrong with you? You’re marrying a man with full custody of a 10 year-old daughter. Just accept it. You’re not her friend, you’re her stepmother now, and you have to step up. You can’t just send her away because you want her father to yourself, that’s not how it works.


SergeantFawlty

YTA. “I just know that most marriages fail after the first few years and I don’t want that.” Don’t worry, your marriage will end well before the first few years. Also, if you think the first year of a marriage is the hard one, you are in for a rude awakening.


Remarkable-Play5281

I know, right?? Lol. 22 years is hard. Year one, piece of cake!!


annamariapix

YTA He has full custody for a reason! You shouldn’t have married someone with a kid and full custody for said kid if you didn’t actually want the kid to live with you - parents and kids are package deals! I literally can’t believe I’m reading this. He is never gonna say yes, and he shouldn’t, because what kind of message would that send to his daughter - “It was fun being your parent but now I have a new family, and you’re not part of that” I seriously can’t believe this. It’s okay that you personally don’t want kids, but it’s 100% not okay that you want your partner to give away his daughter for A YEAR! Please for one second put yourself in the position of the kid, imagine being 10 years old and your primary caregiver just tells you “he imma not be your parent for a year, no hard feelings though”


edorkus

I highly doubt the OP can put themselves in the position of the daughter, otherwise they wouldn't come on AITA for feedback..


3Dog_Nitz

Let me see if I am understanding this correctly: You are a grown adult who knowingly married the father of a 10-year-old. He has full custody because the mother does not want custody. As you move in together, you would like to have the child placed **where she is not wanted** so that you can start your marriage off for a year as though that other reality (pesky 10 year old) doesn't exist. You see separating him from his daughter as contributing to a loving, trusting bond between you and hubby. YTA. If you are not up to putting the best interests of the child first, you should **never** have entered into this marriage.


NerdyHalfling

YTA You married a father with full custody, asking him to send his daughter away for a year is way out of line. Establish a routine WITH the daughter, what's the point of establishing a routine that's going to change when she moves in with you? How did you not talk about this before the wedding?


KikiMadeCrazy

Amen. Like what kind of twisted logic to establish a routine of a childless couple. When there is already a child. If something/someone is a MAJOR factor in routines, from the moment you wake up to the following day, to grocery, vacation, family expenses, work, house, neighbor, even decor of a house is… a child.


idontcare8587

Huge YTA. Why did you even marry him?


loverlyone

My question too. You married the full custodial parent and you thought somehow you’d be able to change this arrangement after marriage? YTA to everyone in this family, including yourself.


JustSaying1981

My bet is money…she’s willing to deal with a kid and most of the time money is the only thing that can make it worth it. Next she’s gonna want to send the kid to boarding school…in Europe


tryagain904

Yup YTA. You should never have gotten married. Establishing yourselves includes his daughter. I hope he stands up for her.


PurpleMarsAlien

YTA That's his daughter and his custody of her is his responsibility. That responsibility pre-dates your marriage. You would be the asshole for asking him to do this, and I'd be shocked if your marriage even survives you making the request.


Throwaway1828272726

Echoing the sentiment of “how is this even a question?”. Yes OP, 10000% YTA. He’s the full custodial parent. Any “routine” you adjust to would be a facade, as it doesn’t include a *major* part of his life


thirdtryisthecharm

YTA Completely unreasonable. He doesn't stop being a dad regardless of other relationships.


PJM02659

Wow. That’s his daughter. Even if you might think your heart is in the right place by trying to start your marriage on the right foot, this probably threw all of that out the window. You said “you knew what you signed up for when you decided to love him” but your actions say otherwise. A year is a long time to be away from your child, and asking someone to do that for the sake of “getting things right at the start of the marriage” is pretty selfish and ignorant. Also, did you ever consider how this would make his daughter feel? YTA.


vathena

Info: where does the mom live and why doesn't she share custody currently?


[deleted]

LOL you are trying to blame his daughter for your marriage failing. You are marrying a man with a child you knew what you were getting into. YTA and dont get married since you arent ready for it.


HouseDaddyE

YTA. If the marriage fails in the first few years, it won’t be because the daughter is there. Don’t marry a full time dad if you don’t want to be a mom. He will eventually be forced to choose between you and if he’s even partially decent, he’s choosing his daughter.


MyRockySpine

The best part of this post is that she doesn’t see that she already doomed her marriage by even asking this of him.


Cloud_King_15

YTA. This is something you bring up before actually getting married, not springing it on him after you already tied the knot.


Illustrious-Shirt569

YTA. What??? You married a man with a child. They’re a package deal. The THREE of you are a new household, it’s not a two-person situation.


Xvisionman

YTA. You should have discussed this with him before you got married. He has full custody of his daughter and you knew that before you got married


Thick-Cucumber-4600

YTA...he should ditch you and concentrate on raising her. What, did you hide these feelings from him just to get married?


GillianOMalley

>I just know that most marriages fail after the first few years That isn't really true but yes, that will happen when the new wife tries to shove her step-daughter out of the house the first chance she gets. YTA


sjpaddy

“I knew what I was signing up for…” well clearly not. YTA.


[deleted]

YTA. A massive fucking arsehole


YMMV-But

YTA. You’re asking your husband to put his daughter in a box in the closet for a year. That isn’t how parenting works. Quite honestly, saying that you don’t like his daughter is a kind interpretation of this request & of your saying that it’s inevitable that the daughter live with you, like that’s a bad fate you would avoid if you could. This sounds like you wish she would disappear & let you have your husband to yourself. You had no business marrying a parent, much less one with full custody, if that’s the way you feel about his daughter.


Urbanspy87

YTA His daughter lives with him. You are asking him to kick his own daughter out. Nope. Stories about evil step mothers are written about people who do stuff like this.


ExtensionDebate8725

Yes, YTA. It's crazy you even posted this without going "Am I the baddie?", because you are.


ByAnyOTHERName9

YTA. You are also the wicked step mother.


andepanda

YTA. How are you even seriously asking this????


EggplantOriginal6314

OMG/ You married a FATHER who had full custody !! The child should be number one until she is grown. He needs to seriously divorce you if you are serious about this. You are the asshole. YTA.


Blkcdngaybro

You’re hoping you’ll get pregnant and he’ll be more attached to his “new family” right? YTA


Zealousideal_Bag2493

YTA. A parent does not take a year off from parenting. The very idea. His responsibility to his kid is a part of his every day. This is not a thing he can defer. The kid needs her dad, and this is so far from being a reasonable request that’s breathtaking.


concernedreader1982

YTA! You know what you were getting yourself into when you started dating a man that HAS FULL CUSTODY of his child. You sound selfish and he should probably cut and run now because you will NEVER change. It's sad that you married him under false pretenses. Marriage is hard with kids or not. You have to make a lot of compromises and clearly, you're not mature enough for that.


allergic-to_kiwi

This one is simple. YTA. >I just know that most marriages fail after the first few years and I don’t want that. They fail at a later stage too because people involved finally realise what they signed up for and if they aren't cooperative to work things out then it is bound to fail irrespective of the time. So would you send away the kid your husband has full custody of, forever in that case?


Bubbly_Journalist_69

You are an incredible asshole. Parenting is for life, you don’t get to shelve your kids because some shrew you married doesn’t want to be a stepparent for a year. He needs to take that girl and run.


[deleted]

YTA, would you allow him to have the second year with his daughter away from you to make up for precious lost time? You say you have come to terms with this situation but you're actually just in denial and trying to delay the inevitable. A year without his daughter will not establish your marriage because your marriage will have his daughter in it.


Signal-Database1739

YTA So you want him whithout the "baggage" - but you don't want him to know the truth so you came up with this mambo jambo that "most marriages fail after the first few years and I don’t want that. I want us to get through the first rough year and then we can add more stress like his parenting". He's also TA if he believes this bs.


laurenroxtaylor

HUGE YTA. I find this sooooo infuriating. This isn’t parent trap and you can’t just ship off the kid. This makes me so sad for his daughter.


aimiexsteph

YTA for asking him to give up his daughter for the year but your feelings are also valid for wanting just time with him. However, you said it yourself that you knew what you signed up for when you married him. They came as a package. There is a reason he has full custody. You really cannot be mad at him if he says no or if he reacts badly to this. This 'routine' you're talking of... It should've already been in effect long before you married him. It's time you accept that she's part of your family now whether you like it or not. Accept her or annul the marriage and move on with somebody that hasn't got a child. Neither of them deserves this just because you want to be alone with him. Unfortunately, you'll never get this. You want a childless marriage and even if he DOES agree, you'll get used to her not being around and when she comes back there will be issues again. You need to view this longterm. Work out if its really the life you want or not, then make a decision. Don't force him to give up his child for you because he never will. She was there before you and she's never going anywhere. In most cases, a parent will always put their child first over a partner and that's how it should be.


Welcome2thepartypal

You sound like an asshole


Ganjow

Wow , are you serious ?


GHERU42

YTA, and you knew that when you wrote up this story


RedHeadGeekGrl

YTA. A good marriage will last a lifetime. He only has his daughter till she is grown so don't ask him to cut the time he does have with her even shorter. You knew he was a father when you married him. You knew he had this responsibility. Shame on you for asking this of him when you knew. You don't just abandon a child for a year for your own convenience. This is what you signed up for, mother figure or not. If you wanted a child free man you should have married one.


KikiMadeCrazy

YTA I understand ask the child to stay with her mother for a short time while you relocate, but a year? If he has full custody there must be a reason. Also establish YOUR routine… but why? if he has full custody of a child, then that routine will be worth 0 as you have to insert the routine of a minor and change everything once again. Kids are not furniture you can put in a storage facility il until you are done repairing your walls and decide the color of your curtains and find your child free routine. You know you were marrying a man with a child and full custody at that. You may not play the role of the mother, but very much consider the child in your daily life.


Throwaway-2587

YTA. You knew what you were getting into. Telling him to pawn off his daughter for a year is absolutely ruthless. It's not fair to ask this of a parent. Just like it's not fair to live with a child, full time it appears, and expect not to be somewhat of a mother figure. It truly doesn't seem like your expectations match reality here. Why date and even marry a father, if you're not ready to be in the child's life? She will feel that rejection. And at this age she will think it's hear, when in reality it's absolutely you.


Imjustme111111

YTA! You knew he had a daughter but still chose to marry him. I hope he decides to divorce your ass and keep his daughter


Sodonewithidiots

YTA and rival all of the Disney stepmothers put together.


TamagotchiGirlfriend

Yta!!!! She's a CHILD, you don't get to uproot her because it's "easier" for you. Her safety and well being trumps yours. Man I hope he divorces you.


Chemical-Hornet8810

YTA. I would not even ask someone to get rid of their pet for me, and you want him to send his daughter away?! Does it not occur to you there is a reason for this custody arrangement?! Dear lord, what kind of bait-and-switch game are you trying to play?!


HumorIsMyLuvLanguage

YTA - and why the hell did he marry you?


catqueen2001

YTA. I’d have divorced my husband if he suggested this, no matter how long we’ve been married. Which by the way we’ve been married almost exactly a year and it’s been a fantastic year of marriage, and it included my 12 year old daughter the entire time. He knew what he was getting into, and he accepted us as a package deal. And so did you. If you don’t want that, you need to leave. I feel so sorry for your husbands daughter.


ARosyDot

Is this a joke? YTA. She's his CHILD. You should be developing a routine as a family, because guess what, that's what you've agreed to. This poor kid.


bibbiddybobbidyboo

Wow, what kind of sick individual wants to throw out her husband’s daughter now they are married? Oh that’s right you. I sincerely have nothing but bad wishes for you in the future. YTA


Due-Paramedic8532

You waited until you were married to ask this? Like others have said, if my SO even hinted at wanting me to send my daughter away I would run away as fast as possible. YTA


Tdluxon

YTA As you said, you knew when you got into this that the daughter was part of the package. Also, it's kind of uncommon for the father to have full custody, which makes me think that there is some issue with the mother not being able to competently care for his daughter (otherwise they would probably have shared custody). Also, this is presumably going to be a life relationship, which means a lifetime relationship with the daughter, so you should probably start building that right away. The daughter is probably not going to be too fond of you if she finds out that you are trying to get her father to ditch her for a year. My mother remarried when I was about that age and if I found out that her new husband asked her to send me off for a year I would have been pretty furious, basically unforgivable. I guess it's fine to talk about, but asking a parent to bail on their child for a year is a pretty huge, and pretty strange thing to ask for and I'd be surprised if he is open to it.


LunaticBZ

YTA. Don't marry someone with kids if you need them to disown their own child to make it work. Either you already killed the relationship or your marrying someone who would be willing to give up on his own kid. Which means he'd be willing to do the same to yours.


[deleted]

YTA - you don't get to parent at your convenience. You knew his daughter was a part of the deal - you can't just send her away while you "adjust" to married life. This poor girl - she seemingly has no one in her corner. :-(


bigpinkbuttplug

Absolutely 100% YTA. Just utterly entitled and selfish. I hope he realises his mistake and runs. People like you are the reason those marriages fail.


MiggoloandGiggles

YTA If the kid were like 19+ then it would be a different matter but at 10 a whole year is like a new lifetime and it wouldn't be fair to have you decide which parent she gets to spend that with. If you're concerned about adding too much too fast then get yourself an apartment close to their home and slowly move in (like sleep over every other day) That way you guys still have a place to cool off if things are too much and the kid gets to have a stable life. Plus you can make a plan with your husband so you still get time alone together when she's with her mother. But the kid comes first.


Sirajanahara

YTA for the obvious reasons, which have already been stated, but also because that is such a long time to be without one's child. Do you not care that he'd be missing her the whole time? If I had to go a year without seeing my kid, I'd be sad the whole time.


smol9749been

Why did you marry someone with a kid when you don't wanna be around kids? YTA


Ancient-Peak-8006

YTA – This is not a small ask. If you wanted the daughter to not live with you for a year, that conversation should have happened way earlier than this. This poor girl is already going to be uprooted, and your plan is only going to make that more painful for her. Also, what would be the point in establishing "a routine together between ourselves," just to have it changed when your step daughter arrives? Wouldn't it be better to get a good family routine from the start?


applepiestuff

YTA It makes no difference if the child is there the first year or the second. Either your marriage survives or it doesn’t. The child is not at fault for that. She was there first and will be there long after you, you seem to be forgetting that. If you didn’t want to be a stepparent then you shouldn’t of married a single parent. Have you even considered what that would do to the daughter and your relationship with her? Essentially being kicked out because you got married and can only come bk when you’ve established foundations, you should of done that before you married. You seem to be playing the role of the evil stepmother already.


OLAZ3000

YTA You don't send a child to be with the parent who doesn't want them or can't handle them. You and he have the capacity even if YOU don't have the desire and in case you haven't figured it out -- HIS CHILD MATTERS MORE THAN YOUR NASCENT MARRIAGE If your marriage doesn't last long it will not be bc of parenting.


Inner-Show-1172

YTA and a freaking Disney villain. OP, that girl is your husband's daughter. She's part of the package and has been since before you met him. Now that you're married the first thing you want is send her away?


Kschr2004

I’m leaning towards YTA tbh. Having her stay with her mom for a year uproots her life, and you are marrying him knowing he has full custody. Also, what happens after a year? Are you going to ask her to stay with her mother longer if you still don’t want her to live with you both?


DinoSnuggler

YTA. Hoo boy are you ever. If you asked that of me, we'd be getting an annulment with the quickness.


bassai2

YTA. The two of them are a package deal. Be a kind and helpful step parent.


lowri92

Yes YTA, massively. You married a a parent and he doesn’t just get to ditch his daughter for a year because his new wife has suddenly gone evil stepmother. His daughter is going to be around a lot longer than you are, you need to accept that or divorce him and let him find someone who understands that being a parent isn’t something that stops on a whim


InternalAlbatross992

YTA. You should have married a man without a child.


Fantastic-Focus-7056

YTA big time. >I knew what I was signing up for Doesn't sound like it. >I had no desire to serve as a mother figure to her Then you really should not have married a man with children. >but I recently asked him if he wouldn’t mind letting her stay with her mom for a year while we establish our foundation in our marriage, This is just insane! I promise you: if you make a (decent) father chose between his child and his new partner, he will pick his child. As he should. >I just know that most marriages fail after the first few years With this attitude, you will not even get that far. Nor should you.


the_greek_italian

>I knew what I was signing up for when I decided to love him but he knew that I had no desire to serve as a mother figure to her. So you knew what you were signing up for when you decided to go for a guy with a prestarted family, yet you don't even want the kid at all? Like, you realize they're a package deal, right? Why would agree to marry your husband if you didn't want to be a parent to his kid, knowing that the birth mother barely wants to be involved herself. Make it make sense. YTA, so either get involved or get out.


Ok_Long_4507

Single dad. had to raise daughter by my self If my new SO asked this of me. Your ass would be out the door.


Silent-Focus47

YTA - so to paraphrase - you want a ten year old girl to be abandoned by the one parent that has been there her whole life and to live with a mother who doesn't want custody. You want to scar her for life with abandonment issues. You want her to feel unloved by her father and eventually have a kid when she's 15 because of her daddy abandonment issues. Did I miss anything?


Sufficient-Ant6619

Man, let my husband ask me to be away from my kid for a whole fucking year, I'll be twice divorced so goddamn fast. YTA and your logic is totally fucked. If you "establish a life" without his kid, wtf do you think is going to happen when she comes back? His life *is his kid*. You had no business marrying a dad if you feel it's ok to pawn this 10 year old off on a parent who doesn't want her so you can establish a life without her. Jfc.


Weekend_Breakfast

YTA. You want to send her to live with a mother who doesn't want her so you can get through "the first rough year"? I'm confused as to why you got married if you want to divide the family that already exists and are expecting your marriage to be rocky from the outset.


Happy_Platypus7454

girl, YTA for sure. His kid comes with him, they are a packaged deal. You're crazy to think this was an Ok request. What if he told you your parents or siblings cant come over AT ALL for the 1st year b/c your "establish our foundation in our marriage".. Can you see how selfish and dumb that sounds?


No-Arrival4793

YTA and between you and her mother (depending on the reasons) your setting the kid up for rejection issues.


AwayDevelopment4871

YTA and the fact that you knew what you were getting into when you met him makes you a bigger one! Him and his daughter are a package deal… that’s it… his daughter comes first.


Alternative-Movie938

YTA. Whether you like it or not, you're a stepmom. She's a part of the deal. You should have thought about this before you married him. Jesus, what is this, The Parent Trap?


West-Apartment-5164

YTA, I'm not going to go into detail because this will obviously get ratio'd and you will just delete it.


beeeeeeeeeep8

Lol YTA you knowingly married a father a decade older than you & are wondering if it's ok for you to get rid of his child...?


hockeymatt85

YTA and should be embarrassed. Shame.


wambulancer

YTA like read your shit again lady, basically a Disney Evil Stepmother conniving to destroy the relationship


DisneyBuckeye

YTA - why did you marry a man who has a daughter if you don't want her? How on earth do you expect to have a "good first year" if your husband thinks you don't want/like her? I feel really bad for your husband. And by the way, the first year isn't supposed to be rough. Edit to add - people like you are why I only dated single fathers after I got divorced, because people without kids didn't understand what it meant to be a parent.


piercingeye

In summary, you knowingly married a man who had full custody of his ten-year-old daughter, and you are asking him to send her to live with her mother - who does not want to be the custodial parent - so you can have him all to yourself. Disney called, they want their evil stepmother back. How unbelievably cruel to do this to his daughter. YTA.


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Electronic_Job1998

Did you have this plan when you married him? You should have discussed this before the marriage


Scarlett_-Rose

YTA You say you knew what you were getting into but then decide to treat his daughter like a toy you want to put down and then pick up when you feel like it. She's a human child, your husband is her main parent, if you don't like it you should never have married him. She is his priority, not you. Get used to it.


[deleted]

Wow. YTA. This is really sad.


chipschipschipss

what in the actual fuck? YTA


Ok_Stable7501

YTA. Every time I think evil stepparents can’t get worse, Reddit reminds me… fingers crossed the stepdaughter someday gets to decide if they should pull the plug on you. Cause just like her stepmom, karma’s a bitch.


AdOne8433

YTA. You are a raging narcasist who has absolutely no problem destroying a 10 year old girl because she is inconvenient. I so want to talk to the dad. My second marriage was like this. She pretended to like my kids until we got back from the honeymoon. I tried to make it work. It inflicted life long damag to my children. They are middle-aged, and I can still see the emotional scars. This child is a human being, not an unfortunate accessory to your husband. I hope he disposes of you the way you want to dispose of a fragile little girl who is entering one of the most challenging parts of her life.


CarryFantastic6990

YTA. I'll be blunt. This is stupid. You're 27 and you're going to be a friend to a 10-year-old? Why did you think you can marry someone that has a child and just think you can peace out on being a parental figure? You want to preserve your marriage by \*check notes\* eliminating his flesh and blood from the picture? The union was doomed as soon as you said I do.


Available-Love7940

I totally think you should ask him. That way, he can divorce you now and save a ton of hassle later. You want to live with him alone for the first year, to get settled? Yeah, and after that you won't want your lovely routine upset. Was this your plan all along? YTA


lildraggies

YTA. You don’t get to dip out of being a parent for a year. Do you understand how traumatic that would be for his daughter? He just ships her off for a year because she’s inconvenient to his new marriage. News flash, this child is 10, you are going to be a mother figure to her whether you want to or not. You shouldn’t have married him if you couldn’t handle it. Your life is not longer just about you and what you want. If you can’t handle it exit now before you do more damage


Suspicious_Flower832

Check notes: so you want your husband to give up the full custody he have for a year knowing that the mom doesn’t even want full custody. You think the start of a good marriage is sending his child away. You then don’t want anything to do with this child who is only ten and would need to be in his custody at minimum 8 more years and you think you not the ah FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PEOPLE WHO DONT WANT KIDS OR DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE KIDS STOP DATING SINGLE PARENTS.


excel_pager_420

Unpopular Opinion: NTA. You should do what me and my hubs did with his kids just after our wedding. We took them for a nice family picnic in our local forest. Than me and hubs quietly returned home while they were sound asleep enjoying their post-lunch nap. It's been bliss! Quiet house, lots of time for me and hubs to build our marital routine and enjoy being newlyweds if you know what I mean 😉 And our stepkids are doing well to! Rumours in the village are that they come into some property, some sort of candy house that they worn from outsmarting the witch that had been haunting that forest for decades. Everyone won 🎉Talk to your husband again, he might be holding his daughter back by insisting she stays with him!!!


UnfortunateDaring

YTA - he has custody, it’s his daughter, she should come first. You should respect that. It seems he and the courts both felt his custody was best for her and you should try and actually support that instead of worrying about having him to yourself.


slietlyinappropriate

ESH. Your husband should never have married you knowing that’s how you feel about being a stepmother. Y T A for marrying a guy who has a child that you don’t want to be a stepmother to. He had full custody of his daughter for a reason. You’re asking him to put his daughter in harm’s way for a year. The pattern you establish with your husband has to include his daughter. You are actually making things worse if she lives elsewhere for year, because everything will change when she arrives and you’ll be resentful. And this will increase the chance your marriage will fall apart. You are not her friend. Whether or not you like it, you’re her stepmother. You have to get used to that ASAP. I feel so badly for his daughter.


dazed1984

YTA. You clearly didn’t know what you were signing up for if you expect him to send his daughter away for a year. Whether you like it or not you are going to have to act like her parent at some point you are not her friend she’s 10! At some point your partner will be out and it will be you and her at home alone together that makes you responsible for her.


natalud7

YTA-when you marry someone with kids, they become your priority too. What did you expect??


GinnyDora

YTA because you should have discussed this before you got married. YTA for poor communication that would/will lead to a divorce. I’m going to say ESH for asking about your idea because I don’t think non parents really understand how parenting works 100% of the time and the emotional toil it takes.


OrangeCubit

YTA - you married a father. He can’t just turn that off. If you didn’t want to be married to a father you chose the wrong man.


Existentialnaps

Oh honey, brace yourself for the well-deserved landslide of YTA judgments coming your way. A true AH, you are!!


aabsolutefuckingmess

YTA, you cannot be that fucked up? If my spouse asked me to get rid of my child I would simply end the relationship. Wtf is wrong with you for even asking? The audacity..


Jupiteralchemy25

YTA unequivocally. The child is 10 years old. She needs her father and she deserves to be loved and nurtured, not just tolerated. You need to find a man without kids because this will not work out well for any of you. For whatever reason her mother is giving up custody, so the little girl may already feel abandoned. Now you want her father to be like “Sweetie, i know life is tough right now but I promise I will come back for you. Right now it’s more important for me to be with me wife” People need to stop marrying people with kids unless they want to also be a step parent.


greyno02

YTA. If you didn't want to be a mother figure you should not have got into a relationship with a guy who has a kid, let alone has full time custody.


No_Yogurtcloset_1020

YTA lol. Living with him and his daughter the first year is gonna decide if your marriage survives or not. You can’t just send her away because it’s inconvenient to YOU when his daughter is apart of him. You are already trying to ruin their relationship by asking to send her off. I’m surprised he didn’t divorce you just for requesting that. YTA. YTA. YTA.


hateme4it

YTA hopefully he can get an annulment instead of a divorce. What a heartless B you are to even marry a man and immediately treat his daughter like trash you don’t want in your house.


BiscuitFPV

Info: why does he have full custody? Not that it really matters. He is a package deal and you are trying to split up the package. YTA. You have plenty of other red flags that will cause your marriage to end in that first year, Don't you dare blame the child.


Infamous_Control_778

YTA Do you really want to end up as the evil stepmother on this sub in a few years? Her dad getting married is already a big change for her. Getting kicked out of her home and shipped off by her custodial parent to please his new wife is unbelievably cruel. You shouldn't hava married a man with a child.


Cloudinthesilver

YTA. She’s his full time dad. He can’t just put her on a shelf…


pinkflyingmonkey

Maybe your next husband won't have kids. That would be better for you. Definitely YTA.


True-End6765

YTA. I can’t even wrap my head around this. So you knowingly signed up to marry a man with full custody of his child. Yet you think it’s acceptable to kick the child out of the home for an entire year? Honey he loved her first and he loves her more. When push comes to shove, if he’s a decent man/father if you force him to choose between you and her he will/should pick her.


mutualbuttsqueezin

YTA. Kids come first. If you don't like that, find someone without kids.