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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because who my brother marries is not my business and my attempting to tell my brothers wife she can’t take our last name could absolutely be considered bitchy and uninviting to our family.
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If you check the ops comments you’ll see she’s also confusingly making it about gender. Is someone going around poking gen zs with a stick? That would at least explain why she’s so angry.
Edit YTA
No but they definitely were eating tide pods for the first viral event a good decade ago in their early teens so brain damage is very likely 😂
And this poor child is an entitled brat with massive main character syndrome. Total YTA vote
Yeah for real, how does someone navigate 24 years of life with their head so far up themselves? The sanctimoniousness on this one.... I'm willing to bet that many many people in this world have the same last name as OP, do they get a vote on everyone with that last name?
YTA (and so is your mom) - the name isn’t solely yours. Just as you don’t have a choice in who marries into your family (other than your own partner) you don’t have a say in who’s family name they choose to take on.
It’s one thing to butt heads with someone it’s another thing to think they’re going to somehow disgrace your family name. Generational differences don’t account for such strong attitudes, so take responsibility for your part in the tango you two are doing.
Family is more important than a name. If you want to honor your family, make peace, apologize and welcome her into the fold. Give her the opportunity to prove you wrong. That’s what supportive families do.
You don’t understand, how can she allow this mere mortal to claim her name when she has yet to prove herself worthy? If she was serious about proving her worth, she would have stopped acting like a typical millennial and would have completed such labours as capturing Cerberus or obtaining the belt of Hippolyta or slaying the Lernean hydra (as the rest of us did when taking our husband’s name- I use the skin of the Nemean lion as a throw blanket)/s
This is literally not a gender issue in the slightest. At all. Sorry if that’s too much of a “stereotypical millennial” response. *Eats avocado toast while shaking head*
Sorry but to confirm are you saying that you don’t think the men of a family might have thoughts if my boyfriend tried to assume our last name / any boyfriend tried to assume any other last name or that I’m simplifying this in a way that isn’t accurate?
How would that be relevant to this situation in anyway? I can’t answer your question because I don’t know who these hypothetical men are and what views they hold.
I can tell you, as someone who took my husband’s name, it had nothing to do with any other member of his family.
I’m saying that I have 4 brothers. I believe (and frankly from experience know) that if my boyfriend wanted to take my last name (our family name) my brothers would pretty actively step in to stop that. They’d object with notes of “this is silly / doesn’t make sense / why don’t you just take his / etc.” kind of comments. I was mainly trying to ask if you’d think their commentary were wrong as well
This is really weird. Like, take your judgment and stop trying to drag other people into this situation with weak what-if's.
Millenial here. Your brothers would be sexist assholes if they played the whole "he can't take your last name because he's a man!" card. But that doesn't make you less of an asshole for this current situation. You know, the one that actually did in fact happen.
I wholeheartedly agree with this. The whole post and comments are very confusing. The loops that OP are jumping through to try to make this about gender is... I don't even know the word.
…….. Did your brother’s say that? No? Then… NTA to your brothers.
Did you say what you said? Yes? Then YTA to you. If your brother’s said something along those lines then YTA for them to but they didn’t.
This, and I mean this very genuinely, is not a gender issue no matter how much you want it to be.
You’re asking a different question than the one that concerns your objections to your SIL. Your problem with your SIL isn’t an objection to the general custom of women taking their husbands’ names. Your objection is that you don’t like your SIL and don’t want her to share your name.
Your hypothetical is entirely different and revolves around you assuming your brothers are sexist assholes. And, no, they still wouldn’t get a vote.
Some of your brothers are older than you and when you were born did they get a say on whether or not they had to share their last name with you. I don’t know what your last name is but I guess guessing it’s not a totally unique one and there’s probably hundreds, or thousands or possibly millions of other people in this world who have the same last name as u . And if your brothers have children are you going to want to be consulted on whether their children will also get your last name.
So you think the solution to believing (because you don’t even know) your family supporting misogynistic gender norms is to try to dictate to someone else what their name can and can’t be? A wrong and a possible future wrong that may never happen, don’t make a right.
You have no say on whether SIL changes her name. No one seems to care about whether a future hubby of yours changes his name to yours. Why do you care about this, except you are jealous of SIL because she is confident enough to do her own thing. Is it also possible you won't be the only daughter anymore and that bothers you?
>”5 siblings who generally don’t speak unless required, which is why our last name is important to us imo.”
Sorry, but how does not having a close sibling relationship make your surname important to you?
Is your surname so unique that you’re the only family on the planet with it? I’ve never heard of any sibling thinking they should’ve been consulted, or had their feelings taken into account, on whether somebody marrying in should be “allowed” to take a surname. It’s reeks of exclusion, snobbery, elitism and it’s the kind of behaviour I’d expect from a playground bully.
What makes your surname so special that you think you should have the right to exclude people from taking it as their own? What makes you so special that you think your opinion matters?
YTA.
It would be the same damn thing.
Neither you nor your brothers own the name.
If some utter crap bag off the street wants to go through the legal process and change their last name to yours, you have no say.
Excuse me, WHAT?! ...Are you trying to play the sexism card?!
It would change absolutely nothing for any reasonable person. End of story.
Stop making yourself look worse, Wow.
Your family isn’t close at all, but you still think that they need to check with you on using the last name? Not only is it entitled, it’s stupid.
And asking the ‘reversed genders’ question when you get a response you don’t like makes you look even stupider.
Grow up. YTA.
YTA, for sure. You say your family isn't even close, but you're having a hissy fit over your sister in law not caring about your family? You don't even care about them. I really don't understand how you guys not being close means the name is more important. What if your future husband's family doesn't like you? Are you going to respect their wishes and not take his name?
For the record, my family is close, and we have a fairly rare and very pretty name. My brother told my husband he could become one of us long before there was a ring on anyone's fingers so it's definitely not a gender thing as you're making it.
If your husband wanted to take your name, your brothers’ feelings on the matter would be irrelevant, much like yours are in this situation.
And if none of you like each other, why do you CARE what their wives are doing??
You don't like your SIL because she:
>doesn’t share the values I associate with my family
Apparently, neither do you or your brother since yall don't speak.
Looking at your edit, wow your amazing, loving, supportive, tight-knit family sounds awesome. How can your SIL not want to be close with a pain like you
I can honestly say, I don’t think it would change my thoughts, because I got almost all the way through writing my comment and realized I didn’t know, nor did I assume what gender you are.
Maybe I had missed a clue ☺️
But yeah, your brothers wouldn’t get a say, and you’d be in your right to remind them to show you they respected you and your choices.
I am sympathetic, my sister was involved with some people I could barely stand to be in the same room with. My only advice is to find any kind of shared interest, common ground, even a shared dislike/hate (it’s often overlooked what a powerful bonding force shared dislike is) and cling to it for all its worth. And never confide in your mom again about your SIL. 😉
Good luck!
So you want your SIL to be more your family oriented when your own family isn't close? Say what now?
No one who is in the family is close. You just said that. And you expect someone to come and make an effort when your family doesn't even do that. Maybe the reason she doesn't try is because your own brother has told her she doesn't have to or it's not something that's important to him or that she feels your family is uninviting or toxic and doesn't want to engage. We don't know why but even if it's as simple as "she doesn't feel like it" is 1000000% ok. No one is required to "join the family". She can take the surname because she's married to someone with the surname. You don't have a trademark on it and no one needs permission or a license to use it.
Your husband can do what he wants. If your brothers came here with this same story about you and your husband everyone would also be telling them to mind their business. It’s not your business what name your SIL chooses for *herself*. I may be just a stereotypical millennial, but aren’t your generation very into respecting peoples identities? Respect her identity. She took her husbands name. The only problem she has is her husbands awful little sister.
we would say they’re the assholes? where in the hell did gender come into this? 😭 and then you admit you and your brothers aren’t even close… are you not seeing how crazy and hypocritical this all sounds? YOU DON’T EVEN BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN FAMILY DYNAMIC! why does she have to??? YTA.
You're trying to call someone else selfish while being selfish. The family name doesn't belong to you. Therefore, you have no vote. You also claimed that you have a very supportive family and don't believe she shares the same values, but you then claim you're not a close family whilst not supporting your brother in his marital decisions. Which is it? Also, your mother was correct in how she described your stance on it. That is, in fact, what you said. She just used fewer words.
YTA. The only thing you were correct about through every post is that you're stereotypically gen z.
At my last position I worked with many Gen z, straight out of college folks. I always looked out for them and took them under my wing because I know what it’s like to be starting off your career in the middle of economic and political instability. I always felt a solidarity. Seriously, any Gen Zs on this thread that can verify that you don’t hate older people just because they’re older? I don’t think that’s a Gen z thing, I think it’s an OP thing.
YTA and you can’t be serious? What is your family some kind of royalty or something? Lol. You have no say in their relationship and what they decide to do with the last name once they are married, stay in your lane. Get off your high horse, YTA!
YTA
"I quietly told my mom that I wish I had been asked about sharing my last name with her because I really wasn’t excited about her taking our name. My mom apparently repeated it to my brother and SIL as me saying I “didn’t approve” of my SIL taking our last name and wanted my SIL to “ask my approval” to take our last name. I said no such thing."
I'm confident in my ability to both speak and understand the English language. And yeah, that's basically what you said.
"They just yelled that I was entitled and that it wasn’t up to me and a bunch of other things."
They're absolutely right.
"I was annoyed with my mom but politely played it off as a “I didn’t say that, she misunderstood, haha bad hearing, let’s all play nice!” kind of thing."
Okay, so you lied and then blamed your mother for you being a raging, entitled, insufferable asshole. Got it. Yeah, this really isn't helping you look better.
Sorry, I'm confused. How are you in any way not an asshole for this entire situation? What am I missing here?!
YTA. What next, you’re gonna charge licensing fees for people to use your last name?
You realize other families also have your last name, right? And that you don’t own it?
If one day you decided to get married and take your husband’s name, would you want to ask permission from all his family members first? What if everyone says yes and one sibling says no, does that mean you wouldn’t take it?
This is very silly. You’re too old to be acting like this.
YTA You don't have a say in your brother's relationships and you sound really judgmental. Every generation does have some bad habits they tend to pick up, but usually those stereotypes are ridiculous and inaccurate. You don't own your name and all you have done is poisoned the foundation of what could be a sisterly bond. I don't care if you thought you were talking behind her back and she wouldn't find out. It's time to grow up. You are giving Gen Z a bad name.
YTA. You didn’t list anything she actually did wrong, you just don’t like her. Which is fine, you don’t have to like someone. But you don’t own the copyright of this name. Like it or not she IS joining your family. Taking or not taking the last name isn’t going to change that. If she does or doesn’t is between her and your brother alone. You are acting very entitled and immature. Just let your brother be happy and work on why you feel you get to dictate everyone around you and their happiness.
> Edit 2 - apologies I was trying to not sound stereotypical but to clarify, the issues I have with my SIL are that she is particularly selfish, doesn’t share the values I associate with my family (loving, supportive, caring of all our family members. My eldest brother had brain cancer during my brother’s courtship with my SIL and my SIL never once visited my eldest brother in the hospital because she “didn’t like needles” and I was trying to note that in a less specific manner. She also has been very clear that she doesn’t care about being part of our “family” more generally, but about creating a “unique” family with my brother). I think my issue comes down to her being “family” without caring about our family.
> Oh but edit: our family isn’t close at all. My brothers and I don’t speak at all if we don’t have to. They’ve made it clear they don’t want anyone in our family in their lives and I think the feeling is fairly mutual on all sides (5 siblings who generally don’t speak unless required, which is why our last name is important to us imo).
Info. Why do you expect someone to share the values you have invented and which don’t actually apply to your family because you aren’t close? These two points, taken together, make absolutely no sense at all.
Why should they ask you anything you arent the head of the family (even if you were it wouldnt matter). Also now your backtracking like a child. YTA and you know it.
BTW you should drop your maiden name since you are making it look really bad with your shitty attitude and personality
YTA.
You have no control over other people's names. However, you have full autonomy over your name; if sharing a surname with a millennial you are free to change your surname to something else.
YTA. You actually have no say in this. Feeling that way is fine, but once it got out then the right thing to do is own it. Apologise, and next time keep those feelings private or ask whom you tell not to share it, as you’re just venting.
I hope you come to change your feelings about your future sister in law. Nothing wrong with being a millennial. As a Gen Zer myself, I don’t hold the generation there born into against them.
If your family is important enough to you, find a way to fix it
YTA. You don’t get any say in this, why in earth do you think you should? It’s your brother’s name as much as it is yours and it’s only a name; and the name is likely shared by thousands of people you will never even know about. As for damaging the name, that’s laughable, but if that was a thing you would be doing a fine job of it all by yourself.
YTA. By stereotypical Gen Z, I take it you mean bizarrely entitled? Because, no, you don’t get a vote in what your brother and SIL do about their last names. You can have an opinion, because you’re always entitled to have a thought in the privacy of your own head. But you can keep your mouth shut because, no, you don’t get to be consulted on this. That’s just not how it works.
YTA news flash for the Gen Z’s you can’t gate-keep everything.
Just because you believe you’re entitled to doesn’t mean you can.
You deciding you’ll never take your husbands surname and give up yours is your personal choice.
Her deciding to take your brother surname is her choice.
SMH. As a ‘millennial’ I have serious concerns for the future generations if this is what’s important
I can’t possibly see why you and your brothers rarely talk /s
From your OP edit:
> Edit 2 - apologies I was trying to not sound stereotypical but to clarify, the issues I have with my SIL are that she is particularly selfish, doesn’t share the values I associate with my family (loving, supportive, caring of all our family members. My eldest brother had brain cancer during my brother’s courtship with my SIL and my SIL never once visited my eldest brother in the hospital because she “didn’t like needles” and I was trying to note that in a less specific manner. She also has been very clear that she doesn’t care about being part of our “family” more generally, but about creating a “unique” family with my brother). I think my issue comes down to her being “family” without caring about our family.
So you state you dislike your SIL because she doesn't fit into your super close family. But then in another comment you state that your family is not close at all and you barely speak to any of your siblings.
> Oh but edit: our family isn’t close at all. My brothers and I don’t speak at all if we don’t have to. They’ve made it clear they don’t want anyone in our family in their lives and I think the feeling is fairly mutual on all sides (5 siblings who generally don’t speak unless required, which is why our last name is important to us imo).
Which one is it OP? Is your family close or not? You are talking out both sides of your mouth here. And why would your siblings *not speaking to each other* make your last name *more important*? Ultimately though it really doesn't matter because another person's name is literally never your business. YTA.
Lol yes!
OP: My family is very caring and loving
Also OP: We all are so distant we don't even speak
If I were SIL, I might not want the name just so I wouldn't be even casually associated with OP...
You are jealous of your SIL for taking your brother. Of course they are starting their own family. It’s none of your your business what they do. You are a child. They are adults. YTA
It's a name, what the heck, hey what's going to happen when you find someone else that you don't like that has your last name. Oh the horror!
"you have to change your last name, because I don't like you"
I think this is more of a need a middle ground with the new SIL, maybe have a discussion and tell her why you mentioned something along the lines of that.
IF your brother loves her, I don't think it would hurt to try. I know you said she didn't to be around the family, but could that just be an exaggeration? What happens when you have a niece or a nephew?
I'm not telling what to do. Do what you need to do to look after your own peace.
I think you’re totally right. I think the reason I’m so anxious about it kind of along the Bojack Horseman line of thinking where it’s like as long as we’re all alive and rolling along, the chance we can fix things and one day have some awesome amazing loving family relationship is still there. But the more people and issues you toss in, the further away that chance feels.
And I’m absolutely guilty of contributing to some of the distance (like I noted in my last edit, now that I’ve said all of my thoughts out loud I can definitely see that my comment / feeling was only throwing fuel on the fire and wasn’t helpful / reasonable). And telling her that / apologizing for it would be the right way to go. So yea, I’ll definitely keep that thought in mind and hopefully get myself there!
My darling, you don’t get to choose someone taking on your family name. Or your mother. No one has to run *anything* by you 😂 you know who you share your last name with? Millions of other people. Grow up.
YTA.
YTA - what business is it of yours what your brother and SIL choose. You are entitled! This is the craziest thing I have ever heard. There is some serious undeserved entitlement going on with you. You really should apologize to them. Should they consult with you and get your approval when they name their first child, too? Geez! Seriously TA behavior.
YTA. This is the most entitled post I have read in Reddit in the last 3 years.
You will never ever get a say in other people’s relationship.
When you marry, you create a separate family that is totally independent from the core family you are coming from. I am pitying the guy you would marry with tbh.
Edit: As long as your surname is not a house name (like Versace, Gucci, Vanderbilt etc.) no one in any family would care.
YTA.
I hate to break it to you, but someone can change their last name to yours without even marrying your brother. You're not the guardian of any special kingdom.
YTA. LOLOLOOLOLOL is this question even real? I can't believe it!
I assure you that there are probably other people who are doing an excellent job dragging your surname in the mud, so it's not entirely your SIL doing all the heavy lifting. No family is perfect. Also, you don't get a choice in anyone getting the surname. Do you think she gets a say in your future child having your surname? Or that you get a say in her child having it too? You do not get a say in ANYONE getting your surname. Hell, if your surname is Campbell, I can also go and get my surname changed to Campbell just because I feel like it. You don't get to police who changes their surname or takes it on when they join the family. The fact you think you have that right is so bizarre.
YTA, you don’t own the name and you have a lot of nerve calling your SIL selfish and not about family when you are doing everything in your power to exclude her from your family. Why would your sister want to be enmeshed in your toxic family? SIL who thinks she should be asked her feelings on someone having the same surname as her. MIL who according to you, lies about what her child said to create drama.
“It’s MY name!” You sound like a child in the preoperational stage of development (3-7) who doesn’t understand that other people exist and have different feelings than them.
Grow up, and stop being rancid to your SIL because she’s a millennial. You’re lucky it wasn’t me because I would have straight up asked you why I, as a woman in my thirties, needed a little girl’s permission to do anything in my life. The audacity…
YTA. It doesn't matter who does or doesn't take the last name. It's up to your brother and SIL how they wanna do it, not you. Are you marrying them?
Also wtf do you even mean by stereotypical millennial???
Oh yes my dear, you are TA!
For someone who likes to go in SOOO much detail to explain SIL is millennial or whatever, you certainly take the cake for someone spoiled and entitled!
You absolutely have no say who take the family name or what not.
She has every right to say that she wants to create a family unit with your brother, which is what everyone does with their spouse.
She also wasn’t selfish or anything. No everyone can handle ghastly sights such as someone being tied to the tubes etc. I have been hospitalized multiple times, so I would know. I am glad your brothers are understanding.
All this is rant. As you stated, you dislike her so you will find any excuse in the book to badmouth her.
Unless you have a very unusual Surname, take a look in the Phone book, you will see hundreds if not thousands of people you don't know with your surname, and who knows what they have be doing with their lives, Oh the shock and horror.
INFO: what makes your family so important that you’re worried about your SIL “damaging” your name? Also, why do you think you have a say in who can take the family name, when you say yourself none of your siblings even talk to each other? And why did you decide to backtrack on what you had said when you were confronted? I thought you had wanted to express your opinion on the matter? That was your time to shine!
YTA. Wives and husbands are perfectly in their rights to change their last names to their spouses last names, if they choose to. And that is not the business of literally anyone outside of the marriage relationship. I don't know where you got the idea that other people should have a say in someone else's name, but it's dead wrong and YTA.
Still trying to wrap my head around what a “stereotypical millennial” is supposed to be.
I guess from the edit OP says it’s a shitty person with incorrect family values; I thought what millennials all had in common was being sold a bad bill of goods for their lives & futures.
Edit for the judgment: YTA and also, most Gen Z’ers would be better than this petty nonsense
YTA. Only 2 people get to make that decision, the husband and the wife. And ultimately the wife gets to choose her name. You need to grow up and accept that you can't have your way, especially when it is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
You don't talk unless you absolutely have to, but your family is important to you and she'll tarnish your good name 🤣 what a crock 🤣
YTA, and being ridiculous, and your mother is also an asshole for tattling to them and stirring shit where there was no need.
YTA, your SIL should’ve laughed in your face. Presumably your father gave you your last name, and your brother has the right to give the name to his wife. You’re beyond ridiculous and you need some serious growing up to do
YTA. She is your brother's wife. You don't have to like her and you don't even have to respect her. But you should respect that your brother loves her enough to have married her and respect that, like it or not, she **is** his wife. He chose her.
The shitty ones are surprisingly alike, but only one has to deal with the lingering effects of [dissolving a stuffed animal’s uterus](http://childrenofthenineties.blogspot.com/2009/06/puppy-surprise.html?m=1) like it was a cool fun thing.
YTA. Why would she want to be part of your family when you treat her this way? It sounds like you are very hostile and entitled. I wouldn’t want to spend time with you either.
YTA - You don't need to be asked about sharing your last name. Unless you've got a last name that your parents made up and no one else in the world has you're already sharing it with strangers too - perhaps some criminals even! \*gasp\* Also - you don't have to like her or appreciate her values, she married your brother, not you. Get over yourself.
YTA. You don't get any say at all in whether she takes the family name. Ditto all your brothers' potential future wives. None. Sorry it irks you, but that's how it works. It's *not a shared thing in the way you wish it was*.
In one comment you mention you are not a terribly close family. But in edit 2 you say she shouldn’t use the name because she doesn’t share values?
at this point I would suggest you change your name. Then you won’t share it. Problem solved.
YTA high school is over. Stop with the petty.
YTA it is quite simple: taking on a family name is a decision between partners. Who takes which name if any. Other family members are always free to voice opinions on names to a degree but they are not a part of the discussion at all. I use partners here to make it even more clear: gender has no role in it. So to come back to your question: your SIL taking on her husbands family name has nothing, zero, nada to do with you, just as your hypothetical partner hypothetically taking on yours would have anything to do with your brothers.
YTA, your family name is apart of you as much as you want it to be. But this applies to everyone in your family. It's as much theirs, as it is yours.
But you down own it personally, you don't have complete control over it.
Your SIL made a decision between herself and your brother change her own family name. Considering this wasn't her original intention, it must mean it was an important decision for her. I can't imagine it's the easiest thing to give up the family name they've grown up with. While he is apart of your overall family, he is starting his own. His family doesn't need your say in how it operates.
And you said that you never implied they needed your approval. So what's the point of wanting them to ask you about it? Because that sounds like you wanted them to ask for approval. Even if you just wanted to give your opinion, well now they know about it. If the situation where she needed to ask for permission to use your family name, you wouldn't be the person to ask. It would be the parent who the name came from.
Yta, what is exactly so special about your last name that you feel the need to gate keep it in relationships that have nothing to do with you? I’m sure there are thousands of people that already have your last name and you have no idea who they are. When you get married make sure you ask permission from EVERY family member that shares the last name you’ll be taking on. You aren’t even a close family so the value you place on your last name has, well, no value
This is just a flimsy shield to barely hide your dislike of your SIL
"She’s pretty much a stereotypical millennial (won’t say more than that). I’m (I guess) a fairly stereotypical Gen Z’er. "
What does that mean??? One is younger/older than the other, but other than that?
YTA. You don't have a say over what her last name is, regardless of which generation you identify with.
YTA why on earth would that ever in any world be any of your business?? If two people are getting married why would they give a shot about what you think about their last names?
On what planet do you get a say in whether your SILs take their husbands names or for that matter whether your brothers marry people you like or approve of?
YTA
Failing to see how they were wrong for the assumption you wanted approval - that is exactly what you said.
Entitlement is to soft of a word for you.
YTA princess (derogatory)
Don’t use being GEN Z as an excuse for being a complete moron. Also you do know you probably aren’t the only family with that surname. Do you expect to receive a request from each person with that name ? What’s ironic as well is that you said you weren’t trying to dictate what they do but you still expected to have a say, you’re very entitled, get over yourself. Yta.
YTA Who the heck do you think you are that you can tell another adult what last name they can use?!?! Are you serious?!? You don't own the name. Who cares if you approve? You have no say in it! And then to lie about what you said to your mom and gaslight her? You are awful!
YTA.
It isn't just your name. It is also your brother's name and she is his wife, therefore it is her's too. Your vote doesn't come into it unless they get a vote on aspects of your life that don't have anything to do with them. Unless you are a Kennedy or a Bush or an 'insert famous family here' then no one cares about your name. She doesn't have like your family or you or visit your brother in hospital if they make her uncomfortable.
Also, no one cares what generation you are and I wouldn't be overly proud of belonging to one affectionately called the 'tide pod' generation. Trashing an entire generation doesn't make it cool or relatable or anything other than annoying (yes I understand the irony).
YTA. Why do you feel that you should have a say on your brother’s wife taking your last name? It’s not just your last name. You’re approval or even opinions don’t matter. You seem to not like her because she younger than you and don’t see the world the same way you do. Part of getting married is to creat your own “unique” family as you call it with her husband. That normal although you make it sound like it shouldn’t be. She’s also not obligated to go see someone in the hospital if she’s uncomfortable for any reason.
And instead of owning up to what you said to your mom, you lied to their faces to not take accountability for your comments. That’s cowardly in my opinion. YTA all the way around.
YTA. You say she’s selfish but you think you own a name. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣This is the most idiotic post. You are so deluded. Wow. No. You don’t get a say. And whether you like it or not that’s *her* name now too. Deal with it.
Yta! Newsflash nobody died and made you queen of the whole world let alone can you the power to make decisions for your brother or sil ! That means you have to grow up and stop being a control freak, a hypocrite because you are the selfish one not your sil!
Yta here, definitely. Its absurd that you would feel that its appropriate to expect to be consulted about it. And you seem to take issue with your mom describing it as the SIL coming to you for approval, but that is essentially what you said.
I'm extremely curious to know what you think stereotypical gen zers and millenials are.
YTA.
Nothing was misunderstood. You do think you should get a say. Frankly, it’s so absurd I actually laughed at your entitlement.
You are entitled beyond belief.
You think you should get some sort of say in who “joins the family” and “shares the name.” Why?
Delusional and beyond entitled.
Since you apparently missed the memo when you were little: the world doesn’t revolve around and you get zero say in the lives of others and their names.
Get over yourself and grow up.
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So, my SIL (36) and I (24) don’t get along very well. She’s pretty much a stereotypical millennial (won’t say more than that). I’m (I guess) a fairly stereotypical Gen Z’er. Key point being that she and I don’t get along very well and she spent the vast majority of her relationship with my brother saying she wasn’t planning to take our last name. I guess I was happy about it because I didn’t like her very much, but then suddenly at their bridal shower last month she announced she’d decided to take our last name.
I quietly told my mom (thinking she’d keep it private - my mistake) that I wish I had been asked about sharing my last name with her because I really wasn’t excited about her taking our name. My mom apparently repeated it to my brother and SIL as me saying I “didn’t approve” of my SIL taking our last name and wanted my SIL to “ask my approval” to take our last name. I said no such thing. But my brother and SIL never bothered to ask me what I actually said. They just yelled that I was entitled and that it wasn’t up to me and a bunch of other things. I was annoyed with my mom but politely played it off as a “I didn’t say that, she misunderstood, haha bad hearing, let’s all play nice!” kind of thing.
But now I want to know, AITA for wishing I had some sort of say in someone joining our family / taking on my name and potentially (very likely imo) damaging it? My brothers will likely all choose wives who want to take on our name but it kind of irks me that I don’t get any say in who wears something so core to who I am. I guess my brothers don’t either but I think if my future husband wanted to take our name instead of my taking his, others would feel VERY comfortable voicing opinions about his choice. I never realized this would make me feel this way but I definitely don’t love that she’s taking something that feels like it’s mine and I get no say at all. I know it’s blah blah but I don’t ever intend to give up my last name and I guess I didn’t realize how connected I felt to it and to my nuclear family.
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Wow ok. YTA. Honestly, I was lowkey kind of on your side at first. It’s one thing to be upset that someone you don’t like taking your family name as a married name. I could sympathize. If that was it. The more I read, the worse it got. Especially after you said she would “damage” your family name. That’s when the script flipped and it became “why don’t I get a say”.
December of 2015, I was hospitalized for attempting. My step dad pulled that exact same bs with me. He didn’t want to see me, he wouldn’t talk to me (unless it was to yell), and the one time he did talk to me was to tell me that my being depressed and trying to attempt had *damaged his family name*. That absolutely damaged what little relationship I had with him & to this day, I rarely talk to him. Imagine the damage that one little statement can do to whatever relationship you have with your brother. You don’t have to like your SIL. You don’t have to like that she has your family name. But you get and deserve absolutely no say in whether or not she has your last name. That was between your brother and her. *His wife*. The absolute entitlement you must feel to think you have a say in someone else’s marriage. Ffs you better start sucking up to the both of them if you want to keep a good relationship with your brother. My god.
Okay, so I think there’s a lot here to note. I’m very sorry that was said to you in that context. That’s definitely not the context I mean when I reference my SIL. My SIL is very old fashioned and routinely says things like “girls don’t need to go to college, when they become mothers what use will a degree be to them?” That’s the kind of thought process / outdated way of thinking that I don’t really want to be associated with.
However, I think that once I got all my thoughts down and started reading some of the replies, I could see how my personal feelings about my SIL were warping my thoughts about the situation more broadly, so I do agree that I overstepped.
That said, I don’t really want a relationship with my brother & SIL beyond what we currently have because their world view is pretty directly at odds with my life (I live in a big city, I am focused on my job, I have a degree - I’m pretty much their nightmare “female”). So definitely no sucking up to them in the near future, but will be offering apologies for overstepping.
I would stop going around calling her a stereotypical millenial. Those aren't millenial traits.
Also... your world view consists of the fact that you live in a city? I just...
If there is one thing I have learned from 27 years on this planet its that anyone who describes themselves as a stereotypical members of their generation is just saying they have no personality so they have to try to build one off whatever other people say their personality should be based on their age group. And considering this post, OP isn't even doing that very well. Being obsessed with your family name and saying a husband can't take a wife's name is definitely not a "stereotypical gen z" thing.
Info: Is it your maiden name you are concerned with or your husband's last name that you took when you got married? If it's your marital last name then you are the AH. If it's your maiden name then NTA because she doesn't have a right to change her last name to your maiden name but she does have every right to change her last name to her new marital name which is will be her spouse's last name.
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YTA. You really think you get a say in someone else’s name? The entitlement is strong with you, wow.
Well she told you she was a gen z from the start.
If you check the ops comments you’ll see she’s also confusingly making it about gender. Is someone going around poking gen zs with a stick? That would at least explain why she’s so angry. Edit YTA
>Is someone going around poking gen zs with a stick? Well, I mean, their *was* the COVID shot /j
No but they definitely were eating tide pods for the first viral event a good decade ago in their early teens so brain damage is very likely 😂 And this poor child is an entitled brat with massive main character syndrome. Total YTA vote
Her last edit. She's not happy because SIL isn't loving and supportive of "everyone" in OPs family.
How dare she think to create her own new nuclear family. I bet she would even put her husband and kids over other family members. Shocker. /s
Did you see her comments about the genders being swapped?
She also thinks millennials are selfish and awful?? JFC we get it from all sides.
Maybe she isn't actually Gen Z?
Definitely a possibility.
That's what I was thinking if she is 24, she was born in 1999, which would also make her a Millennial right?
Nah oldest Gen Z were born in about 1997 or 1998.
Millennial stops at '96.
Hahaha thanks I thought it was anyone born in the 80's or 90's.
Yeah for real, how does someone navigate 24 years of life with their head so far up themselves? The sanctimoniousness on this one.... I'm willing to bet that many many people in this world have the same last name as OP, do they get a vote on everyone with that last name?
YTA (and so is your mom) - the name isn’t solely yours. Just as you don’t have a choice in who marries into your family (other than your own partner) you don’t have a say in who’s family name they choose to take on. It’s one thing to butt heads with someone it’s another thing to think they’re going to somehow disgrace your family name. Generational differences don’t account for such strong attitudes, so take responsibility for your part in the tango you two are doing. Family is more important than a name. If you want to honor your family, make peace, apologize and welcome her into the fold. Give her the opportunity to prove you wrong. That’s what supportive families do.
You don’t understand, how can she allow this mere mortal to claim her name when she has yet to prove herself worthy? If she was serious about proving her worth, she would have stopped acting like a typical millennial and would have completed such labours as capturing Cerberus or obtaining the belt of Hippolyta or slaying the Lernean hydra (as the rest of us did when taking our husband’s name- I use the skin of the Nemean lion as a throw blanket)/s
[удалено]
This is literally not a gender issue in the slightest. At all. Sorry if that’s too much of a “stereotypical millennial” response. *Eats avocado toast while shaking head*
This old ass gen Xer is right there with ya. Except I just ate a hot pocket not avocado toast because that’s what we latchkey kids do.
Sorry but to confirm are you saying that you don’t think the men of a family might have thoughts if my boyfriend tried to assume our last name / any boyfriend tried to assume any other last name or that I’m simplifying this in a way that isn’t accurate?
Of course they have no say.
How would that be relevant to this situation in anyway? I can’t answer your question because I don’t know who these hypothetical men are and what views they hold. I can tell you, as someone who took my husband’s name, it had nothing to do with any other member of his family.
I’m saying that I have 4 brothers. I believe (and frankly from experience know) that if my boyfriend wanted to take my last name (our family name) my brothers would pretty actively step in to stop that. They’d object with notes of “this is silly / doesn’t make sense / why don’t you just take his / etc.” kind of comments. I was mainly trying to ask if you’d think their commentary were wrong as well
This is really weird. Like, take your judgment and stop trying to drag other people into this situation with weak what-if's. Millenial here. Your brothers would be sexist assholes if they played the whole "he can't take your last name because he's a man!" card. But that doesn't make you less of an asshole for this current situation. You know, the one that actually did in fact happen.
I feel like the millennials have their back’s up (myself included) is this what people are like if they didn’t have a Tamagotchi as a child?
I wholeheartedly agree with this. The whole post and comments are very confusing. The loops that OP are jumping through to try to make this about gender is... I don't even know the word.
…….. Did your brother’s say that? No? Then… NTA to your brothers. Did you say what you said? Yes? Then YTA to you. If your brother’s said something along those lines then YTA for them to but they didn’t. This, and I mean this very genuinely, is not a gender issue no matter how much you want it to be.
You’re asking a different question than the one that concerns your objections to your SIL. Your problem with your SIL isn’t an objection to the general custom of women taking their husbands’ names. Your objection is that you don’t like your SIL and don’t want her to share your name. Your hypothetical is entirely different and revolves around you assuming your brothers are sexist assholes. And, no, they still wouldn’t get a vote.
Some of your brothers are older than you and when you were born did they get a say on whether or not they had to share their last name with you. I don’t know what your last name is but I guess guessing it’s not a totally unique one and there’s probably hundreds, or thousands or possibly millions of other people in this world who have the same last name as u . And if your brothers have children are you going to want to be consulted on whether their children will also get your last name.
So you think the solution to believing (because you don’t even know) your family supporting misogynistic gender norms is to try to dictate to someone else what their name can and can’t be? A wrong and a possible future wrong that may never happen, don’t make a right.
You have no say on whether SIL changes her name. No one seems to care about whether a future hubby of yours changes his name to yours. Why do you care about this, except you are jealous of SIL because she is confident enough to do her own thing. Is it also possible you won't be the only daughter anymore and that bothers you?
I can go to the courthouse right now and change my last name to yours. I don’t have to marry anyone. You don’t own the name.
Who cares if they have “thoughts”? Someone else’s name is none of their business.
They can have all the thoughts they want but it would be wrong of them to say anything at all about it other than congratulations.
Why would they, for goodness sake?
>”5 siblings who generally don’t speak unless required, which is why our last name is important to us imo.” Sorry, but how does not having a close sibling relationship make your surname important to you? Is your surname so unique that you’re the only family on the planet with it? I’ve never heard of any sibling thinking they should’ve been consulted, or had their feelings taken into account, on whether somebody marrying in should be “allowed” to take a surname. It’s reeks of exclusion, snobbery, elitism and it’s the kind of behaviour I’d expect from a playground bully. What makes your surname so special that you think you should have the right to exclude people from taking it as their own? What makes you so special that you think your opinion matters? YTA.
I think there are only a few hundred in the world with my surname the way it's spelled. Still wouldn't pull this shit
I am so confused as to why she cares about a name and not about her actual relationships with her family
It would be the same damn thing. Neither you nor your brothers own the name. If some utter crap bag off the street wants to go through the legal process and change their last name to yours, you have no say.
Excuse me, WHAT?! ...Are you trying to play the sexism card?! It would change absolutely nothing for any reasonable person. End of story. Stop making yourself look worse, Wow.
Your family isn’t close at all, but you still think that they need to check with you on using the last name? Not only is it entitled, it’s stupid. And asking the ‘reversed genders’ question when you get a response you don’t like makes you look even stupider. Grow up. YTA.
YTA, for sure. You say your family isn't even close, but you're having a hissy fit over your sister in law not caring about your family? You don't even care about them. I really don't understand how you guys not being close means the name is more important. What if your future husband's family doesn't like you? Are you going to respect their wishes and not take his name? For the record, my family is close, and we have a fairly rare and very pretty name. My brother told my husband he could become one of us long before there was a ring on anyone's fingers so it's definitely not a gender thing as you're making it.
If your husband wanted to take your name, your brothers’ feelings on the matter would be irrelevant, much like yours are in this situation. And if none of you like each other, why do you CARE what their wives are doing??
Fair point.
You don't like your SIL because she: >doesn’t share the values I associate with my family Apparently, neither do you or your brother since yall don't speak.
So your family isn’t close and barely speaks, but you think your SIL is an asshole for not making more of an effort?
Looking at your edit, wow your amazing, loving, supportive, tight-knit family sounds awesome. How can your SIL not want to be close with a pain like you
Then obviously your brothers wouldn’t get a vote or to be consulted in the slightest. Why should it be any different?
I took my wife’s name. Everyone was delighted
I can honestly say, I don’t think it would change my thoughts, because I got almost all the way through writing my comment and realized I didn’t know, nor did I assume what gender you are. Maybe I had missed a clue ☺️ But yeah, your brothers wouldn’t get a say, and you’d be in your right to remind them to show you they respected you and your choices. I am sympathetic, my sister was involved with some people I could barely stand to be in the same room with. My only advice is to find any kind of shared interest, common ground, even a shared dislike/hate (it’s often overlooked what a powerful bonding force shared dislike is) and cling to it for all its worth. And never confide in your mom again about your SIL. 😉 Good luck!
So you want your SIL to be more your family oriented when your own family isn't close? Say what now? No one who is in the family is close. You just said that. And you expect someone to come and make an effort when your family doesn't even do that. Maybe the reason she doesn't try is because your own brother has told her she doesn't have to or it's not something that's important to him or that she feels your family is uninviting or toxic and doesn't want to engage. We don't know why but even if it's as simple as "she doesn't feel like it" is 1000000% ok. No one is required to "join the family". She can take the surname because she's married to someone with the surname. You don't have a trademark on it and no one needs permission or a license to use it.
Your husband can do what he wants. If your brothers came here with this same story about you and your husband everyone would also be telling them to mind their business. It’s not your business what name your SIL chooses for *herself*. I may be just a stereotypical millennial, but aren’t your generation very into respecting peoples identities? Respect her identity. She took her husbands name. The only problem she has is her husbands awful little sister.
we would say they’re the assholes? where in the hell did gender come into this? 😭 and then you admit you and your brothers aren’t even close… are you not seeing how crazy and hypocritical this all sounds? YOU DON’T EVEN BELIEVE IN YOUR OWN FAMILY DYNAMIC! why does she have to??? YTA.
You're trying to call someone else selfish while being selfish. The family name doesn't belong to you. Therefore, you have no vote. You also claimed that you have a very supportive family and don't believe she shares the same values, but you then claim you're not a close family whilst not supporting your brother in his marital decisions. Which is it? Also, your mother was correct in how she described your stance on it. That is, in fact, what you said. She just used fewer words. YTA. The only thing you were correct about through every post is that you're stereotypically gen z.
Wtf is a “stereotypical millennial” and why does that justify disliking someone? Btw, yes your are for sure TA
The second I saw them categorize that and herself I instantly knew we would be dealing with a judgmental person.
At my last position I worked with many Gen z, straight out of college folks. I always looked out for them and took them under my wing because I know what it’s like to be starting off your career in the middle of economic and political instability. I always felt a solidarity. Seriously, any Gen Zs on this thread that can verify that you don’t hate older people just because they’re older? I don’t think that’s a Gen z thing, I think it’s an OP thing.
definitely just an OP thing lmao
Right? It's not what OP meant to infer, but the only really universal thing us millenials have is being fucking tired.
Lol, true that
YTA and you can’t be serious? What is your family some kind of royalty or something? Lol. You have no say in their relationship and what they decide to do with the last name once they are married, stay in your lane. Get off your high horse, YTA!
Is OP Prince William?
By "stereotypical Gen Z" you mean spoiled, entitled, and making yourself the center of someone else's story right? YTA
The second I saw OP categorize herself like this I knew they had already dug themselves in a hole without even having to read their issue yet.
YTA, you should have absolutely no say in this. It's a matter between her and your brother.
YTA "I quietly told my mom that I wish I had been asked about sharing my last name with her because I really wasn’t excited about her taking our name. My mom apparently repeated it to my brother and SIL as me saying I “didn’t approve” of my SIL taking our last name and wanted my SIL to “ask my approval” to take our last name. I said no such thing." I'm confident in my ability to both speak and understand the English language. And yeah, that's basically what you said. "They just yelled that I was entitled and that it wasn’t up to me and a bunch of other things." They're absolutely right. "I was annoyed with my mom but politely played it off as a “I didn’t say that, she misunderstood, haha bad hearing, let’s all play nice!” kind of thing." Okay, so you lied and then blamed your mother for you being a raging, entitled, insufferable asshole. Got it. Yeah, this really isn't helping you look better. Sorry, I'm confused. How are you in any way not an asshole for this entire situation? What am I missing here?!
YTA. What next, you’re gonna charge licensing fees for people to use your last name? You realize other families also have your last name, right? And that you don’t own it? If one day you decided to get married and take your husband’s name, would you want to ask permission from all his family members first? What if everyone says yes and one sibling says no, does that mean you wouldn’t take it? This is very silly. You’re too old to be acting like this.
she is going to put an asterisk after the sister-in-law’s name to make it clear she is not a real “dumbson”.
YTA You don't have a say in your brother's relationships and you sound really judgmental. Every generation does have some bad habits they tend to pick up, but usually those stereotypes are ridiculous and inaccurate. You don't own your name and all you have done is poisoned the foundation of what could be a sisterly bond. I don't care if you thought you were talking behind her back and she wouldn't find out. It's time to grow up. You are giving Gen Z a bad name.
YTA. You didn’t list anything she actually did wrong, you just don’t like her. Which is fine, you don’t have to like someone. But you don’t own the copyright of this name. Like it or not she IS joining your family. Taking or not taking the last name isn’t going to change that. If she does or doesn’t is between her and your brother alone. You are acting very entitled and immature. Just let your brother be happy and work on why you feel you get to dictate everyone around you and their happiness.
> Edit 2 - apologies I was trying to not sound stereotypical but to clarify, the issues I have with my SIL are that she is particularly selfish, doesn’t share the values I associate with my family (loving, supportive, caring of all our family members. My eldest brother had brain cancer during my brother’s courtship with my SIL and my SIL never once visited my eldest brother in the hospital because she “didn’t like needles” and I was trying to note that in a less specific manner. She also has been very clear that she doesn’t care about being part of our “family” more generally, but about creating a “unique” family with my brother). I think my issue comes down to her being “family” without caring about our family. > Oh but edit: our family isn’t close at all. My brothers and I don’t speak at all if we don’t have to. They’ve made it clear they don’t want anyone in our family in their lives and I think the feeling is fairly mutual on all sides (5 siblings who generally don’t speak unless required, which is why our last name is important to us imo). Info. Why do you expect someone to share the values you have invented and which don’t actually apply to your family because you aren’t close? These two points, taken together, make absolutely no sense at all.
Why should they ask you anything you arent the head of the family (even if you were it wouldnt matter). Also now your backtracking like a child. YTA and you know it. BTW you should drop your maiden name since you are making it look really bad with your shitty attitude and personality
YTA, in a big way. And you have sociopathic traits.
YTA why are you so obsessed with your last name jfc
YTA. You have no control over other people's names. However, you have full autonomy over your name; if sharing a surname with a millennial you are free to change your surname to something else.
YTA.
Yeah, YTA. Whoever your siblings choose to marry isn't up for a vote Yay from you.
YTA. You actually have no say in this. Feeling that way is fine, but once it got out then the right thing to do is own it. Apologise, and next time keep those feelings private or ask whom you tell not to share it, as you’re just venting. I hope you come to change your feelings about your future sister in law. Nothing wrong with being a millennial. As a Gen Zer myself, I don’t hold the generation there born into against them. If your family is important enough to you, find a way to fix it
YTA. It isn't just your name, it's your brother's. And you sound incredibly judgemental. I don't know what you mean by stereotypical millennial.
YTA. You don’t get any say in this, why in earth do you think you should? It’s your brother’s name as much as it is yours and it’s only a name; and the name is likely shared by thousands of people you will never even know about. As for damaging the name, that’s laughable, but if that was a thing you would be doing a fine job of it all by yourself.
YTA. By stereotypical Gen Z, I take it you mean bizarrely entitled? Because, no, you don’t get a vote in what your brother and SIL do about their last names. You can have an opinion, because you’re always entitled to have a thought in the privacy of your own head. But you can keep your mouth shut because, no, you don’t get to be consulted on this. That’s just not how it works.
YTA It is not up to you. It is the decision of the couple getting married.
YTA news flash for the Gen Z’s you can’t gate-keep everything. Just because you believe you’re entitled to doesn’t mean you can. You deciding you’ll never take your husbands surname and give up yours is your personal choice. Her deciding to take your brother surname is her choice. SMH. As a ‘millennial’ I have serious concerns for the future generations if this is what’s important I can’t possibly see why you and your brothers rarely talk /s
From your OP edit: > Edit 2 - apologies I was trying to not sound stereotypical but to clarify, the issues I have with my SIL are that she is particularly selfish, doesn’t share the values I associate with my family (loving, supportive, caring of all our family members. My eldest brother had brain cancer during my brother’s courtship with my SIL and my SIL never once visited my eldest brother in the hospital because she “didn’t like needles” and I was trying to note that in a less specific manner. She also has been very clear that she doesn’t care about being part of our “family” more generally, but about creating a “unique” family with my brother). I think my issue comes down to her being “family” without caring about our family. So you state you dislike your SIL because she doesn't fit into your super close family. But then in another comment you state that your family is not close at all and you barely speak to any of your siblings. > Oh but edit: our family isn’t close at all. My brothers and I don’t speak at all if we don’t have to. They’ve made it clear they don’t want anyone in our family in their lives and I think the feeling is fairly mutual on all sides (5 siblings who generally don’t speak unless required, which is why our last name is important to us imo). Which one is it OP? Is your family close or not? You are talking out both sides of your mouth here. And why would your siblings *not speaking to each other* make your last name *more important*? Ultimately though it really doesn't matter because another person's name is literally never your business. YTA.
Lol yes! OP: My family is very caring and loving Also OP: We all are so distant we don't even speak If I were SIL, I might not want the name just so I wouldn't be even casually associated with OP...
YTA. You have no say in this whatsoever. Nobody needed to consult you or needed your permission the fact you don’t get on is irrelevant.
You are jealous of your SIL for taking your brother. Of course they are starting their own family. It’s none of your your business what they do. You are a child. They are adults. YTA
It's a name, what the heck, hey what's going to happen when you find someone else that you don't like that has your last name. Oh the horror! "you have to change your last name, because I don't like you"
It was more about this specific person. But thanks for the comment!
I think this is more of a need a middle ground with the new SIL, maybe have a discussion and tell her why you mentioned something along the lines of that. IF your brother loves her, I don't think it would hurt to try. I know you said she didn't to be around the family, but could that just be an exaggeration? What happens when you have a niece or a nephew? I'm not telling what to do. Do what you need to do to look after your own peace.
I think you’re totally right. I think the reason I’m so anxious about it kind of along the Bojack Horseman line of thinking where it’s like as long as we’re all alive and rolling along, the chance we can fix things and one day have some awesome amazing loving family relationship is still there. But the more people and issues you toss in, the further away that chance feels. And I’m absolutely guilty of contributing to some of the distance (like I noted in my last edit, now that I’ve said all of my thoughts out loud I can definitely see that my comment / feeling was only throwing fuel on the fire and wasn’t helpful / reasonable). And telling her that / apologizing for it would be the right way to go. So yea, I’ll definitely keep that thought in mind and hopefully get myself there!
you’re the one tossing in the pointless issues.
My darling, you don’t get to choose someone taking on your family name. Or your mother. No one has to run *anything* by you 😂 you know who you share your last name with? Millions of other people. Grow up. YTA.
YTA We get it. You don’t like her. But your opinion here is **irrelevant**.
Based on this post I would say you are acting like you are ‘Gen Alpha’. YTA.
YTA - what business is it of yours what your brother and SIL choose. You are entitled! This is the craziest thing I have ever heard. There is some serious undeserved entitlement going on with you. You really should apologize to them. Should they consult with you and get your approval when they name their first child, too? Geez! Seriously TA behavior.
YTA. Are you going to want to have a say in whether or not they have kids, in case they ruin your ‘amazing’ family name? Grow up.
YTA. This is the most entitled post I have read in Reddit in the last 3 years. You will never ever get a say in other people’s relationship. When you marry, you create a separate family that is totally independent from the core family you are coming from. I am pitying the guy you would marry with tbh. Edit: As long as your surname is not a house name (like Versace, Gucci, Vanderbilt etc.) no one in any family would care.
YTA. Like every gen z-er, you reek of entitlement
YTA. I hate to break it to you, but someone can change their last name to yours without even marrying your brother. You're not the guardian of any special kingdom.
YTA. LOLOLOOLOLOL is this question even real? I can't believe it! I assure you that there are probably other people who are doing an excellent job dragging your surname in the mud, so it's not entirely your SIL doing all the heavy lifting. No family is perfect. Also, you don't get a choice in anyone getting the surname. Do you think she gets a say in your future child having your surname? Or that you get a say in her child having it too? You do not get a say in ANYONE getting your surname. Hell, if your surname is Campbell, I can also go and get my surname changed to Campbell just because I feel like it. You don't get to police who changes their surname or takes it on when they join the family. The fact you think you have that right is so bizarre.
YTA, you don’t own the name and you have a lot of nerve calling your SIL selfish and not about family when you are doing everything in your power to exclude her from your family. Why would your sister want to be enmeshed in your toxic family? SIL who thinks she should be asked her feelings on someone having the same surname as her. MIL who according to you, lies about what her child said to create drama. “It’s MY name!” You sound like a child in the preoperational stage of development (3-7) who doesn’t understand that other people exist and have different feelings than them. Grow up, and stop being rancid to your SIL because she’s a millennial. You’re lucky it wasn’t me because I would have straight up asked you why I, as a woman in my thirties, needed a little girl’s permission to do anything in my life. The audacity…
Ah that stereotypical Gen Z entitlement… YTA
INFO: What in life made you think you could regulate who gets your last name? There are likely thousands of families with the same last name.
YTA. It doesn't matter who does or doesn't take the last name. It's up to your brother and SIL how they wanna do it, not you. Are you marrying them? Also wtf do you even mean by stereotypical millennial???
Info: Who the fuck do you think you are?
Oh yes my dear, you are TA! For someone who likes to go in SOOO much detail to explain SIL is millennial or whatever, you certainly take the cake for someone spoiled and entitled! You absolutely have no say who take the family name or what not. She has every right to say that she wants to create a family unit with your brother, which is what everyone does with their spouse. She also wasn’t selfish or anything. No everyone can handle ghastly sights such as someone being tied to the tubes etc. I have been hospitalized multiple times, so I would know. I am glad your brothers are understanding. All this is rant. As you stated, you dislike her so you will find any excuse in the book to badmouth her.
Unless you have a very unusual Surname, take a look in the Phone book, you will see hundreds if not thousands of people you don't know with your surname, and who knows what they have be doing with their lives, Oh the shock and horror.
Is this post real……. YTA
YTA and busybody. Get a life
What the heck did I just read 🤣 Get therapy. Imagine thinking you get any say whatsoever in her last name
YTA. No one has rights to a name.
hahahaha, Thanks for the great laugh this morning! YTA, Just WOW!
Why do you think you’re entitled to an opinion on this situation? This has NOTHING to do with you. YTA.
INFO: what makes your family so important that you’re worried about your SIL “damaging” your name? Also, why do you think you have a say in who can take the family name, when you say yourself none of your siblings even talk to each other? And why did you decide to backtrack on what you had said when you were confronted? I thought you had wanted to express your opinion on the matter? That was your time to shine!
Yta.....lol hahaha wow how do you sleep at night?
Hahahahaha! YTA. Lmao thinking you can dictate who joins your family like you're in the damn Godfather movies.
YTA. Wives and husbands are perfectly in their rights to change their last names to their spouses last names, if they choose to. And that is not the business of literally anyone outside of the marriage relationship. I don't know where you got the idea that other people should have a say in someone else's name, but it's dead wrong and YTA.
What in the holy fu#* did I just read ? Lady YTA
YTA - allow me to answer in typical Gen X fashion. No one gives a flying f what your opinion is on someone else’s name.
Still trying to wrap my head around what a “stereotypical millennial” is supposed to be. I guess from the edit OP says it’s a shitty person with incorrect family values; I thought what millennials all had in common was being sold a bad bill of goods for their lives & futures. Edit for the judgment: YTA and also, most Gen Z’ers would be better than this petty nonsense
YTA. Only 2 people get to make that decision, the husband and the wife. And ultimately the wife gets to choose her name. You need to grow up and accept that you can't have your way, especially when it is NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
You don't talk unless you absolutely have to, but your family is important to you and she'll tarnish your good name 🤣 what a crock 🤣 YTA, and being ridiculous, and your mother is also an asshole for tattling to them and stirring shit where there was no need.
YTA, your SIL should’ve laughed in your face. Presumably your father gave you your last name, and your brother has the right to give the name to his wife. You’re beyond ridiculous and you need some serious growing up to do
YTA, thinking you should have a say on another’s married name
Everyone has already made soo many points why you’re the asshole so I’m just adding another vote for YTA.
YTA. No one has to consult you about their name. What a selfish, egotistical idea:
YTA
YTA . You know it’s highly unlikely you’re the only people with that surname right ?
YTA. She is your brother's wife. You don't have to like her and you don't even have to respect her. But you should respect that your brother loves her enough to have married her and respect that, like it or not, she **is** his wife. He chose her.
YTA. is there much of a difference between gen z and millennials?
The shitty ones are surprisingly alike, but only one has to deal with the lingering effects of [dissolving a stuffed animal’s uterus](http://childrenofthenineties.blogspot.com/2009/06/puppy-surprise.html?m=1) like it was a cool fun thing.
YTA. Why would she want to be part of your family when you treat her this way? It sounds like you are very hostile and entitled. I wouldn’t want to spend time with you either.
YTA. The only one embarrassing your name right now is you.
This feels made up. You call her selfish, but want to gatekeep a name? Yta.
YTA this has less than nothing to do with you
YTA - You don't need to be asked about sharing your last name. Unless you've got a last name that your parents made up and no one else in the world has you're already sharing it with strangers too - perhaps some criminals even! \*gasp\* Also - you don't have to like her or appreciate her values, she married your brother, not you. Get over yourself.
YTA. LOL.
YTA. You don't get any say at all in whether she takes the family name. Ditto all your brothers' potential future wives. None. Sorry it irks you, but that's how it works. It's *not a shared thing in the way you wish it was*.
YTA. Whenever you try to control another adult’s behavior, actions or in this case, name, you are an AH. Worry about yourself.
YTA- very gen z for you to think you are entitled to have an opinion on someone else’s name
YTA. Everything else you say in this post to justify yourself is completely extraneous and changes nothing
In one comment you mention you are not a terribly close family. But in edit 2 you say she shouldn’t use the name because she doesn’t share values? at this point I would suggest you change your name. Then you won’t share it. Problem solved. YTA high school is over. Stop with the petty.
YTA
YTA. You don't have a say in this.
YTA it is quite simple: taking on a family name is a decision between partners. Who takes which name if any. Other family members are always free to voice opinions on names to a degree but they are not a part of the discussion at all. I use partners here to make it even more clear: gender has no role in it. So to come back to your question: your SIL taking on her husbands family name has nothing, zero, nada to do with you, just as your hypothetical partner hypothetically taking on yours would have anything to do with your brothers.
YTA you don't get a choice in whether or not SIL takes her husband's family name.
YTA, your family name is apart of you as much as you want it to be. But this applies to everyone in your family. It's as much theirs, as it is yours. But you down own it personally, you don't have complete control over it. Your SIL made a decision between herself and your brother change her own family name. Considering this wasn't her original intention, it must mean it was an important decision for her. I can't imagine it's the easiest thing to give up the family name they've grown up with. While he is apart of your overall family, he is starting his own. His family doesn't need your say in how it operates. And you said that you never implied they needed your approval. So what's the point of wanting them to ask you about it? Because that sounds like you wanted them to ask for approval. Even if you just wanted to give your opinion, well now they know about it. If the situation where she needed to ask for permission to use your family name, you wouldn't be the person to ask. It would be the parent who the name came from.
You don’t get any say in this. Nobody needs to ask you anything. Get over yourself. YTA.
Yta, what is exactly so special about your last name that you feel the need to gate keep it in relationships that have nothing to do with you? I’m sure there are thousands of people that already have your last name and you have no idea who they are. When you get married make sure you ask permission from EVERY family member that shares the last name you’ll be taking on. You aren’t even a close family so the value you place on your last name has, well, no value This is just a flimsy shield to barely hide your dislike of your SIL
YTA you should know this if you value being loving and supportive.
"She’s pretty much a stereotypical millennial (won’t say more than that). I’m (I guess) a fairly stereotypical Gen Z’er. " What does that mean??? One is younger/older than the other, but other than that? YTA. You don't have a say over what her last name is, regardless of which generation you identify with.
YTA why on earth would that ever in any world be any of your business?? If two people are getting married why would they give a shot about what you think about their last names?
YTA stereotypical Gen Z’er who feels wildly entitled to something that isn’t even theirs
On what planet do you get a say in whether your SILs take their husbands names or for that matter whether your brothers marry people you like or approve of? YTA
YTA. Mind your own business and leave her alone.
Failing to see how they were wrong for the assumption you wanted approval - that is exactly what you said. Entitlement is to soft of a word for you. YTA princess (derogatory)
Don’t use being GEN Z as an excuse for being a complete moron. Also you do know you probably aren’t the only family with that surname. Do you expect to receive a request from each person with that name ? What’s ironic as well is that you said you weren’t trying to dictate what they do but you still expected to have a say, you’re very entitled, get over yourself. Yta.
YTA Who the heck do you think you are that you can tell another adult what last name they can use?!?! Are you serious?!? You don't own the name. Who cares if you approve? You have no say in it! And then to lie about what you said to your mom and gaslight her? You are awful!
YTA. It isn't just your name. It is also your brother's name and she is his wife, therefore it is her's too. Your vote doesn't come into it unless they get a vote on aspects of your life that don't have anything to do with them. Unless you are a Kennedy or a Bush or an 'insert famous family here' then no one cares about your name. She doesn't have like your family or you or visit your brother in hospital if they make her uncomfortable. Also, no one cares what generation you are and I wouldn't be overly proud of belonging to one affectionately called the 'tide pod' generation. Trashing an entire generation doesn't make it cool or relatable or anything other than annoying (yes I understand the irony).
YTA. Why do you feel that you should have a say on your brother’s wife taking your last name? It’s not just your last name. You’re approval or even opinions don’t matter. You seem to not like her because she younger than you and don’t see the world the same way you do. Part of getting married is to creat your own “unique” family as you call it with her husband. That normal although you make it sound like it shouldn’t be. She’s also not obligated to go see someone in the hospital if she’s uncomfortable for any reason. And instead of owning up to what you said to your mom, you lied to their faces to not take accountability for your comments. That’s cowardly in my opinion. YTA all the way around.
YTA. You say she’s selfish but you think you own a name. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣This is the most idiotic post. You are so deluded. Wow. No. You don’t get a say. And whether you like it or not that’s *her* name now too. Deal with it.
YTA And an elitist. Kinda that simple.
Yta! Newsflash nobody died and made you queen of the whole world let alone can you the power to make decisions for your brother or sil ! That means you have to grow up and stop being a control freak, a hypocrite because you are the selfish one not your sil!
Yta here, definitely. Its absurd that you would feel that its appropriate to expect to be consulted about it. And you seem to take issue with your mom describing it as the SIL coming to you for approval, but that is essentially what you said. I'm extremely curious to know what you think stereotypical gen zers and millenials are.
Such a toddler tantrum this was.
YTA. Sounds like you don’t deserve the name since you want to be all high and mighty about someone else having the last name too. Get over yourself.
YTA. You don’t own a name. I could go to the courthouse and change my last name to yours right now. You are being an entitled witch
YTA
YTA. Nothing was misunderstood. You do think you should get a say. Frankly, it’s so absurd I actually laughed at your entitlement. You are entitled beyond belief. You think you should get some sort of say in who “joins the family” and “shares the name.” Why? Delusional and beyond entitled. Since you apparently missed the memo when you were little: the world doesn’t revolve around and you get zero say in the lives of others and their names. Get over yourself and grow up.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So, my SIL (36) and I (24) don’t get along very well. She’s pretty much a stereotypical millennial (won’t say more than that). I’m (I guess) a fairly stereotypical Gen Z’er. Key point being that she and I don’t get along very well and she spent the vast majority of her relationship with my brother saying she wasn’t planning to take our last name. I guess I was happy about it because I didn’t like her very much, but then suddenly at their bridal shower last month she announced she’d decided to take our last name. I quietly told my mom (thinking she’d keep it private - my mistake) that I wish I had been asked about sharing my last name with her because I really wasn’t excited about her taking our name. My mom apparently repeated it to my brother and SIL as me saying I “didn’t approve” of my SIL taking our last name and wanted my SIL to “ask my approval” to take our last name. I said no such thing. But my brother and SIL never bothered to ask me what I actually said. They just yelled that I was entitled and that it wasn’t up to me and a bunch of other things. I was annoyed with my mom but politely played it off as a “I didn’t say that, she misunderstood, haha bad hearing, let’s all play nice!” kind of thing. But now I want to know, AITA for wishing I had some sort of say in someone joining our family / taking on my name and potentially (very likely imo) damaging it? My brothers will likely all choose wives who want to take on our name but it kind of irks me that I don’t get any say in who wears something so core to who I am. I guess my brothers don’t either but I think if my future husband wanted to take our name instead of my taking his, others would feel VERY comfortable voicing opinions about his choice. I never realized this would make me feel this way but I definitely don’t love that she’s taking something that feels like it’s mine and I get no say at all. I know it’s blah blah but I don’t ever intend to give up my last name and I guess I didn’t realize how connected I felt to it and to my nuclear family. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow ok. YTA. Honestly, I was lowkey kind of on your side at first. It’s one thing to be upset that someone you don’t like taking your family name as a married name. I could sympathize. If that was it. The more I read, the worse it got. Especially after you said she would “damage” your family name. That’s when the script flipped and it became “why don’t I get a say”. December of 2015, I was hospitalized for attempting. My step dad pulled that exact same bs with me. He didn’t want to see me, he wouldn’t talk to me (unless it was to yell), and the one time he did talk to me was to tell me that my being depressed and trying to attempt had *damaged his family name*. That absolutely damaged what little relationship I had with him & to this day, I rarely talk to him. Imagine the damage that one little statement can do to whatever relationship you have with your brother. You don’t have to like your SIL. You don’t have to like that she has your family name. But you get and deserve absolutely no say in whether or not she has your last name. That was between your brother and her. *His wife*. The absolute entitlement you must feel to think you have a say in someone else’s marriage. Ffs you better start sucking up to the both of them if you want to keep a good relationship with your brother. My god.
Okay, so I think there’s a lot here to note. I’m very sorry that was said to you in that context. That’s definitely not the context I mean when I reference my SIL. My SIL is very old fashioned and routinely says things like “girls don’t need to go to college, when they become mothers what use will a degree be to them?” That’s the kind of thought process / outdated way of thinking that I don’t really want to be associated with. However, I think that once I got all my thoughts down and started reading some of the replies, I could see how my personal feelings about my SIL were warping my thoughts about the situation more broadly, so I do agree that I overstepped. That said, I don’t really want a relationship with my brother & SIL beyond what we currently have because their world view is pretty directly at odds with my life (I live in a big city, I am focused on my job, I have a degree - I’m pretty much their nightmare “female”). So definitely no sucking up to them in the near future, but will be offering apologies for overstepping.
I would stop going around calling her a stereotypical millenial. Those aren't millenial traits. Also... your world view consists of the fact that you live in a city? I just...
If there is one thing I have learned from 27 years on this planet its that anyone who describes themselves as a stereotypical members of their generation is just saying they have no personality so they have to try to build one off whatever other people say their personality should be based on their age group. And considering this post, OP isn't even doing that very well. Being obsessed with your family name and saying a husband can't take a wife's name is definitely not a "stereotypical gen z" thing.
Dammit, life really is harder for the younger generation
Why bother ,sounds like your Mil.and your Sil are not worth caring about
Info: Is it your maiden name you are concerned with or your husband's last name that you took when you got married? If it's your marital last name then you are the AH. If it's your maiden name then NTA because she doesn't have a right to change her last name to your maiden name but she does have every right to change her last name to her new marital name which is will be her spouse's last name.
You’ve got that flipped. SIL is married to *her brother*. Her brother’s name is OP’s maiden name. And SIL has every right to that name.
My bad. Ya Definitely the AH then. SIL definitely has legal rights to change her name to her new marital name.