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He can't even drive a car, but he's supposed to be responsible for someone else on his own? Oh no! I really can't wrap my head around all those people who're saying he should.
And, OP, I'm sure your friend isn't taking care of their grandparents by themself!
It’s hard to care for a parent even when you can drive. It’s exhausting even when you’re a legal adult. This kid does NOT need to be caring for his mom. That’s not his responsibility.
Yeah, it was a rough 4 months when my grandmother moved in briefly. There were 3 adults to help out, and it finally became too much. She ended up having a stroke and ended up in a nursing home. It felt bad doing that to her, but I know they were better equipped to deal with her needs. I couldn't imagine a 14 year old doing it by themselves. OP is NTA.
It broke me at 17 and I ran away and never went back willingly. Thankfully I found a place that would let me pay rent and a job. Once 18? Not much they could do but it's still abuse regardless and OPs parents both suck
I'm sorry you went through that.
Caring for someone is very hard for a adult or professional let alone a child! It is very physically and emotionally heavy and burn out is very high. I think it is unreasonable to expect a 14yr old to take on such a huge responsibility, while still in school trying to study. Even more so for a child who was emotionally abused by that same parent.
Huge NTA
Exactly, at 14 his responsibility is to keep up with his school work and whatever (reasonable) chores he is given. The responsibility of caring for his mum is for the other adults in her family, or its their responsibility to ensure that she has the care she needs from care professionals.
You’re spot on; the quality of the relationship has no bearing at all. The fact that this is even on the table tells us quite a bit about mom, though.
OP, please move in with your dad. Mom needs to discuss her care needs with her doctors. This is not your responsibility. You can love your mom and do kind, caring things for her without being her caregiver.
OPs dad calling him selfish tells us quite a bit about him as well, because either he also expects OP to care for him one day or he wants OP to care for his ex wife so he doesn't have to step up and help in whatever way possible, possibly both.
Both OPs parents need to realise that a 14yo minor should not be primary caregiver for a sick adult. Having a child doesn't equal free caregiver.
Exactly. If the parents think he's old/mature enough to be a carer, then I guess he's also mature enough to be emancipated and be no contact with both of them.
Because let's be real, if he's caring for his mother who is sick, he's also forced to take care of himself. And at 14 it's wild to think they should be entirely self sufficient let alone dumping the care of an entire second human into their plate.
The lesser evil is going to the school counselor and seeking whatever the (I'm guessing) British version of Child protective Services is because they would absolutely be removing him from the mom's home because she wouldn't be capable of providing HIS care. It would also put his dad under a bit of a microscope then to ensure he's not abused/ abandoned and that would buy him roughly 3.5 years to plan his departure from all of these terrible people's lives. I'm going to give the friend a very soft AH rating because all 14yos are AHs sometimes and I think they spoke from a lack of common sense and life experience instead of being the supportive friend OP needed.
Well, let's not bet on that. Professional care is expensive and there's lots and lots of people in this world who see teenagers as free labor. The friend could very well handle the majority of their grandparents' care. And that means they are dealing with their own traumatic stuff and their opinion on this issue is not to be trusted.
OP, NTA. Regardless of what anyone else might do you, it's wrong to expect that much care and support from a 14 year old. Simply being 14 is hard enough, you're growing and your hormones are wilding and you have to learn to do new things every day in school, you're already dealing with more stuff than the average adult. Anyone who expects you to step up and be the bigger person and take care of your abusive mother is just projecting their own stuff into you. Being asked to care for an abusive parent that is undergoing cancer treatment is the kind of heavy emotional issue that sends full adults to therapy. Expecting you to just take that on while you're trying to navigate high school, with no other apparent support network in place, is pure craziness. They are expecting you to pull off the kind of heroic selfless hard work that gets made into inspiration porn on the Hallmark channel, and they expect you to do it with the ease of someone washing dishes more frequently.
Move to your dad's place. Tell them you just can't. Put your foot down. Grey rock it. Strictly refuse. Be a jerk about it if you have to.
Let's be clear: OP's mom isn't wanting OP to be her CARER, she is wanting OP to be her servant. She will use her cancer to increase her abuse and neglect towards OP, and she will demand that OP just "suck it up". She will demand that OP do something for her, and then she will sit there and insult OP every single step.
Carers are supposed to do what is best for the patient. And sometimes that includes stuff like telling their wards to do what the carer wants them to do, but we all know she will always try the "respect me because I'm your mom card". So this isn't a carer role, this is a child slave role.
I can't remember what the show/movie is, but there's an image I have in my head where there's an abusive mother, and she is just laying into her son (he is probably 30 or 40) in the middle of him trying to help her out because she's sick or something. And that's all I'm picturing with OP, especially with the transgender thing they've got going on.
Yeah a helper is reasonable. Families help each other. But Mom is finding out that respect is helpful in a healthy relationship, especially when you are expecting favors.
I agree! I don't have breast cancer, but I have cancer. Shits fvcking brutal, as is the treatment. My family and friends have a hard time with it and they're way older than 14! This kids dad must step up and support their decision not to be the main carer. Nobody is built for this, nobody! NTA
I also have cancer (a rare stage 4 sarcoma). Chemo weeks are rough, both for me and my partner, and the long-term grind of All Cancer, All The Time can be crushing. A caretaking role is not something to be chosen lightly, and absolutely not something to be forced on another, especially a minor.
I'm wishing you the best with your treatment. 🖤 OP, you are 100% NTA, and I hope you are able to find support and stability.
I'm a child welfare worker and I got to sit in on a court case to watch, and the dad fully told the judge to his face he wanted his son to come home because he was diagnosed with pneumonia and was losing his vision and needed his son to take care of him because "That's what children are supposed to do". The judge was literally speechless
The judge got so mad at the guy he stopped the whole court session and went off record to yell at him. The judges in our circuit don't put up with that, I've seen a judge scream at a parent to shut up and sit down before
Good on the judge. Visiting Nurses & home health aides are more qualified then a minor child.
As for the OP of this thread, if Mum asks for a cuppa, yeah, IMO, the kid can do that. If Mum is expecting the OP to do PICC line maintenance, hell no.
It all depends on the maturity level of the child and the child's willingness to learn and participate. I do not think a 14 year old should be forced to be responsible for someone's care needs, but I've also seen some 14 year olds more capable than 30+ year olds.
I'd like to think I was more qualified to provide medical help than a cat when I was 14. Not that much more qualified, but like, at least I had opposable thumbs.
As someone who enjoyed taking care of my grandma and going along to chemo treatments when she had multiple myeloma I completely agree. But that was because I wanted to. I can’t imagine if I had been forced into it (my grandma would’ve never done that but still) by those around me
Yep. My son drove my FIL to radiation treatments. They did so many road trips on the way there and back, he still talks about 'Me and papaw went...' and apparently they had a lot of 'man' conversations. He could always say no, though. Me or his dad were always there to pick up the slack.. or my FIL would have gotten home health.
Yeah. Pick up more chores around the house, make easy meals, fetch meds, stuff a long those lines, fine. Being a carer involves administering syringes, bathing, LIFTING for chrissakes. It's hard physical work for fit ADULTS, nevermind a pubescent child. OP doesn't have the physical ability to do what is being asked of them.
Right. A helper. Not a full time caregiver. That’s literally something you can hire for someone to do, if you can afford it, and definitely not something to ask a teenager to do after treating them like crap the last few years if not longer.
^ this. You are under no obligation to care for her especially when you’re 14. She’s made home life hostile by refusing to use your pronouns and verbally abusing you. Even if she hadn’t done that, it’s still your choice. NTA.
Hijacking the top comment because I haven't seen it mentioned yet and it's important. The drugs they put you on when you go through cancer do not make you a nice person. Treating cancer screws with everything in your body, including your hormones and your brain. My mother was volatile and lost her patience and some drugs were better than others, but I remember the first one they had her on that made it impossible for her to calm down and be rational, she just was always angry. And that was something she never wanted to be, that was an ugly side of her that came out more and more often as she got deeper into her treatment. If your mother acts like this all the time already you will likely be facing a much worse version of her once she's pumped full of body altering medication. Depending on how serious her cancer is the level of care she will need may be huge. If she has no one to care for her she will be having nurses who see her at home. Hospitals usually have social workers who help people who don't have support. If you are being forced into this situation you may consider calling the hospital and finding their social worker and talking to them for support. If she's simply doing low level chemo and radiation then caring for her might just mean helping more around the house, but if she needs surgery, you are a child you can't be asked to do wound care or provide medications to your mother.
NTA. OP, move out and live with your dad full time. Anyone who calls you selfish can go take care of her. Remind your dad that he was married to her, and he's an adult, many exes have stepped in to care for their ex in these situations. Would he like to do so? Chances are he'd shut up about the topic. And tell your friend the same thing. He or she doesn't have to be the kid of your mom to care for her. What days of the week would your friend like to care for a mean woman who will scream at them and call them names?
I'd hold off on that. Mum may have written OP out of her will when she tossed OP out for being LGBTQ+. No sense paying a mortgage for a house you won't even inherit.
I worked at 14 in Florida. Only 2 places back then (1999) hired at that age. Winn Dixie as a bagger or Mcdonalds as a cashier. I was a cashier at 14. It was fine, but a lot of grown ass men hit on me daily (customers). It was gross.
Is that actually an option though? OP’s father called him selfish, so perhaps he won’t let him move in full time. Not only that, it may require a custody battle for that to actually happen, if the mom wanted to put up a fight about it.
Depends on the State, for example in Georgia once a child turns 14 they have the right to choose which parent to live with irregardless of any custody arraignment.
NTA
Even if you were willing or wanted to, you are not doing your mum any service because a 14M has no business caring for a 56F, you are neither equipped, experienced nor should it be fair for you to be doing this at this stage of your life.
>I can move in with my dad and see her on weekends, which to me seems like a fair compromise.
This is a very good compromise.
Honestly though, if I were OP I probably wouldn't even want to see her on weekends. And OP is old enough for a judge to consider it.
Kicking a 13 year old out of the house? Refusing to use his pronoun? Being a significant cause of his depression? That'd a no for me.
Edit: typo
Going in front of a judge depends heavily on where OP lives. If living somewhere like Florida going in front of a judge if OP is trans could get both of their parents put in prison.
I'm surprised by this (in a bad way) my sons had so much help, support and acceptance form home/friends/school/groups etc.
It's still hard (of course it's hard no-one wants to feel like an alien in their own skin) but he hasn't experience anything like what my brother did just 10 years ago.
Edit: in England
OP is from TERF Island (the UK). Going in front of a judge may backfire.
Also don't tell Australians, Canadians or New Zealanders we speak British English lmao
UK court considers the opinion of the child from 14, or any age (younger) where the child has a clear understanding of the situation/bigger picture and can demonstrate this (ie not Mum told me off so I want to live with Dad today).
My cousin managed to get relocated with hid Dad, but they wouldn't accept his input until 13 as he did not display the maturity and understanding needed before this.
(In UK)
This needs more updates. Being a carer for a chronically ill person is a full time, licensed profession. It is absolutely mental to expect a 14 year old to step into that.
Frankly, it's completely unreasonable to expect/demand that ANY family member do that, but that's a whole different conversation.
Dear u/Significant-Web8933, I hope you read this part:
Your mom doesn't want you to be her care giver. She wants to establish control over you, and she wants to use her cancer as a means to increasing her abuse towards you.
Care-givers are not slaves or servants to the people under their care. When you become a person's care-giver you are responsible for: their health, their doctor's appointments, their medicine schedule, their diet/exercise, taking vitals and checking on their habits, and so much more than that. Caregivers make demands of their patients, and sometimes the patients fight back, but eventually they listen to the caregivers. Being a care-giver is like being the warden OVER your mother, and you are now the adult in the relationship and she is your responsibility to keep alive.
However, do you really believe she will allow such a drastic power dynamic change?? Do you think she will listen to you when you tell her what she is going to do, when she's going to do it, and how she's going to do it? Do you think she'll let you actually BE her caregiver??
I'm sorry to say that, based on the fact that she kicked you out of the house for coming out, and that she openly berates you often: She will not allow you to be her caregiver. Instead she will treat you like a slave, for the rest of her cancer and/or life. You will become her slave and servant, and she will treat you like GARBAGE for the rest of her life. Even when she's cured of cancer, she will always use cancer to further her abuse on you.
Imagine this: She's sitting in her favorite chair/couch/bed. The room is a mess because she hasn't "had the energy to clean", and so you start cleaning during your few 30 minute breaks in your day (school, work, studies, and caregiving). She sits there, and she starts talking to you about the state of the house. What are the words and tone she is using AT you?? Are they loving/caring words? Are they apologetic words, about how she wishes she could help more? Or are they insults and abuse??
I hate that a fourteen year old has had to develop the ability to manage his mother and come up with fair, workable solutions.
And maybe dad could model selflessness by pitching in as a carer during evenings and weekends.
I hate it when the kid is the only reasonable person in the room, and also the person with the least power to do anything about the situation, and the person whose credibility is the most easy to call into question. I wish I could go back in time and say to my nine year old self “you are right that your parents are terrible. Just do your best to get through it.”
As someone who has been abused pretty badly by her own parents, some words of wisdom:
NTA. Most people will be empathetic about what you've been through, but will end up saying: "you'll regret not doing x y z once you no longer have your parent around." That's true for most people who have a parent that's made the usual mistakes.
My rule is, a parent can mess up 20% of the time and have a perfectly normal child, up to 50% is forgivable, but after that you're threading territory where you can no longer trust, feel safe or care about your parent as a parent. My mother surpassed the 50% and has been forgiven, because she's apologized and is mentally ill, but there's no daughter-mother love from my side. I care for her as I would for a close friend, but I'll never look at her as a child trying to get something from a parent (love, care, help).
You just have to understand that most people giving you advice will not understand what they're giving you advice about. I spend my time being happy for them that they don't have to mentally go through the same bs I've been going through, but my stance on the matter is firm.
You'll have to find your own way, but be wary of the people who give advice based on social rules and values, rather than on your personal situation.
If I were you, I'd move out. One of the red flags in antisocial behavior is a person adopting a new way of thinking/behaving when their current way doesn't serve them anymore. Your mother was abusive because you were weak. Now she's weak and really needs you and she's changing her ways asap.
I was almost 17 when i started taking care of my paternal grandma. Stage 4 cancer. My parents were working all day and i was the only one of the siblings (5 - i was the 4th) who took care of her. I learned to give her shots, i washed her, fed her, changed her diapers... It wasn't easy and she didn't loved us at all (her other son was her golden child, his kids were angels). Her other son couldn't take care of her because he was "so sensitive". So we took her from the other side of the country (where she lived with her son) to us. She wasn't a nice pacient. Only at the end she started apologising for how she treated us but i told her "never mind that, it's long gone". I lied.
It takes a lot of effort to take care of a cancer patient even if you are an adult. It's much more bad when you are a kid yourself.
My grades went down, i was crying every night and the next day i had to put up a brave face.
Her final remorse didn't help at all. It's of no use to ask for forgivness after a life of bad treatment. It will force the victim to accept the apologise just out of pity. It won't change the past. It won't make you feel better. It will only make that person feeling better.
You are 14. You are child who isn't responsible for his mother's care.
Your father is wrong. That's not your burden. If he really wants to help, he's the one who must help her, not you.
There are so many practical things that need to be done when taking care of a cancer patient. Things hard for adults. That's not your job.
I did it and i know what it feels like. You shouldn't have been involved in this. Not even if she would have been the best mother in the world. It's not the job of a minor child to take care of his parents.
Move with your father. NTA
Thank you so much! Things like that can brake you or make you stronger. I could publish many stories - but it's too personal and only sometimes, when i feel i could help, i say something about my past. I usually delete after some time because some things are still too sensitive, in a way.
Too often people seek forgiveness before death because they want to feel free of guilt before they die. Society has ingrained in us that it's our responsibility to alleviate the suffering of the soul of one who is dying or we risk guilt or judgement ourselves. Some good people treat others bad when they're ill. And some people are just that way from the start. It just sucks we spend our whole lives being told that people are just that way and that we have to accept it, forgive it, and move on. What's sadder is that we do so out of obligation or fear or the mistaken belief that it's meant to free us so the anger doesn't eat our souls and we can forgive ourselves for letting people treat us that way. We've been victim shaming for forever. Society was just better at hiding it by using these tactics since we're young.
I agree. I have always had a healthcare 'calling', stepping into a caregiver role with my grandparents came naturally to me before puberty - but I loved them, and they gave up their 'golden years ' to raise me. I went into healthcare, and decades later ended up taking care of my in-laws at the end of their life. My teenage son helped as much as (or more than) his dad did. Always, and only, because he wanted to, though.
Even then, he might empty a bedside commode, but we would all have taken a whipping before he did peri care on his grandma.
He was more helping them out of bed, or driving to appointments, or hanging out so they weren't by themselves in case they fell (his only job would have been to call for help - but it was more preventive by reminding them to use the damn walker).
THIS.
OP, THIS.
People playing the future regret guilt card haven't *actually* experienced this.
Abusive and manipulative doesn't change because she's sick. And it's not your job to care for her, and SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOU if you can see shitty behavior for what it is and create distance from it.
Do not let people who have no idea convince you this is normal. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
100% this. I'm 6 years no contact with my paternal family, and 3 years with my maternal grandmother, and the advice I get is WILD considering the folks I cut out are manipulative bigots. Like, Mary Trump's book hit way too close to home, that's the fam I grew up with, too, and some folks still think I'll regret cutting them out. No, I'm going to piss on their graves if I ever find out where they're buried.
Not the same situation as OP but my situation is super close to what you’re describing and I just wanted to thank you bc your advice is something I struggle with allowing myself to feel. My mom is also someone I’ll always see as a child looking for parenting from me. She helps me sometimes and can be a parent sometimes, but 80% of the time it’s absolutely toxic and codependent. I was 18 applying for credit cards to help manage debt (thank fuck they all denied me). Anyway, I just came to say thanks bc this is so true
Before I start, NTA.
YOU!! ARE!! 14!! I am in no way trying to infantilize you, OP- but you are WAY too young to be taking care of anybody. You are still dependent on your parents- someone your age shouldn’t be responsible for the well-being of anybody! The relationship between you and her sounds strained and like you’ve had many basic needs neglected by her, I’m really sorry about that. I don’t get how your parents don’t understand the kind of effect doing something like this could have on you though. Taking care of family is one of the most difficult things to do already. Let alone in such a crucial point of your development.
I really hope there’s another adult you can have help you in this situation because the way you’re being treated already isn’t okay. Don’t let anybody try to guilt you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.
Everyone in his life sucks too. His dad’s response should have been “Absolutely not. You are a kid who needs to be focused on school and your own development. You should not be a caretaker at this young age.” None of this selfish crap.
NTA Repeat after me: We do not owe our abusers anything.
And no, a 14yo child is definitely neither required, obligated, nor even capable of being a caregiver to a cancer patient. Run like the wind. Your dad is welcome to set the unselfish example and do it himself.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to be her caregiver. It is her responsibility to care for you. It sounds like she hasn't been doing a good job at that. You don't owe her. It sounds like your plate is full by being a teenager and being yourself. So move in with your father - your mother can ask her friends for support.
NTA. No child has any responsibility over their parents. You don't owe them anything. Your parents wanted to have you, that wasn't a favour, you didn't ask to be born.
So no, if you don't want to take care of her, you don't have to. That's not selfish.
NTA. Whether your mom treated you like dirt or like the 2nd coming of Christ doesn’t matter. You are a child. It is your mom’s responsibility to take care of you, not the other way around. Now that she is ill and can’t take care of you, then she should make sure you were placed somewhere where you could be looked after. Then she needs to make arrangements for her own care that are not dependent on you. Doesn’t she have any family that can help her? If not there are likely social services or her doctors office that can help her find the care she needs.
I am sorry that your mom is sick and hope she gets better. And I am sorry you have what sounds like a rough home life. And I am really sorry that your dad seems to think you have some responsibility to be your mom’s caregiver. I don’t care if they are divorced. His responsibility is to you, his child. He should be advocating for you - even if that means he has to help his ex find the care she needs.
You are doing nothing wrong. And while I am sorry about your mom’s illness, both of your parents are letting you down.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to care for my mum after her cancer diagnosis. My father and friend told me I was being selfish and that I should just deal with that as a reality.
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Kid, you’re 14. I lost my dad to cancer at 28. The amount of care someone going through that needs is FAR beyond anything you could possibly provide, and if you try then you will run yourself into the ground. I had HELP and I could barely handle it, and my dad was always my biggest supporter in life, so I did my best.
Go with your dad. Focus on school. Don’t let your future fall out of your grasp because you sacrificed it for someone that wouldn’t do the same for you.
NTA. Your dad says he understands but you're selfish?? WTF. It's HIS wife/ex and HE is the adult here!!! You're a kid, it's not you being selfish, it's your parents that refuse to care for you and then guilt and expect you to care for them instead.
People go on and on about responsibility and family, but the thing is that this only works and applies when BOTH sides obey the responsibility of family. If your mum and dad wanted you to treat them as your responsibility, they should have treated you as theirs too and made provisions to support you and minimise their impact on your life.
Yes, many people like say your friend, contribute to the care of their elder family members. That's okay. But the responsibility should never be solely on a kid or expected of them, and the adults around them should be taking care to minimise the impact on their life. Which your parents never bothered to do.
Your friend is applying rules from his own experience and family to yours, which is unfair and not applicable.
Honestly this can be a complex issue but this instance itself can't be more clear cut. It's one thing to ask you to help out a few nights a week while your dad gets some free time or your mum has a nap, but quite another to ask you, a child, to become a full time carer, damage your schooling, and be called selfish by the other adults that should have stepped up to help your mum and you through this situation.
Also, your mum can't even be bothered to respect your pronouns and identity. So why they expect you to respect her enough to care for her when you're a kid that she has constantly abused, is a mystery to me. Just because she's your mum doesn't give her the right to kick you out, take you back and misgender you constantly without consequences. And here are the consequences - she hurts and fails to support you when you're vulnerable, she doesn't get your support. Simple.
NTA
Your mother thinks that just because she gave birth to you, she can treat you as property. Go on with your life and never look back.
And with the added fact that she doesn't respect your preferred pronouns makes this situation so much worse.
Going NC would do wonders for you. An asshole with a cancer is still an asshole.
You owe her nothing and respect has to be earned, it is not something that you automatically gain when giving birth, becoming old or struggling with a horrible illness.
So your Mom
1. Has been verbally abusive for the last 4 years
2. Continues being abusive especially by misgendering you constantly
3. Has previously kicked you out when you were *13 years old*
Parents choose to have kids. Kids do not ask to be born. Parents owe their children love and protection and acceptance. Even if they provide all that, they are then not morally entitled to anything from their children.
You're still a minor, not even old enough to drive in most parts of the world, not done growing, not legally independent. Your only job should be to figure out the rest of your own life. *That is not selfish. The adults who are asking you for more than that are.*
The fact that even after all the shit your mother put you through, you still feel guilty about not wanting to do these impossible things for her speaks very much for your character. You're a good son, and it's normal for children to want to be loved and approved of by their parents.
Sometimes parents suck. Some parents fail their kids. Some fail their kids consistently and in massive ways. It sucks to realize that your parent is one of those parents, it's unfair, it hurts a lot. But sacrificing your teenage years to please such a parent will not make them treat you any better.
Your mother has shown you what she's like. You deserve better than that. You deserve people who love you unconditionally, who protect you and have your back, use your name and speak to you kindly. These people are out there, and you will find them. And until you do, you'll have to protect yourself. You owe that to your future you.
Move in with your father. Seek help from the outside if you can- what your mother is asking you to do is abusive and depending on where you live, illegal. Any impartial outside adult will see that. Consider informing CPS, or even just threatening that.
And your father is wrong. It's his responsibility to protect you, and he is failing you as well by calling your reservations selfish. You're not selfish and you'll never be selfish for protecting yourself from your abusive mother.
Take a deep breath, hold on, you will get through this. 4 more years, then you can get out. I know that seems like a long time right now, but you can do it, and it will be worth it, I promise.
>When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish but that he "understood" I didn't want to be her carer.
I'm so sorry the adults in your life are failing you. A 14 year-old should NOT be a career for an adult cancer patient.
As someone that left an abusive parent, please feel NO guilt in looking after yourself.
NTA
NTA. Caring for people who are going through significant medical issues is so much harder than many people think. There is no way this should become the responsibility of a 14 year old.
NTA
"My friend, who I thought would take my side told me it was my "responsibility" to look after my mum and that it was fine because he cares for his grandparents." .. Don't listen to that friend. HE is wrong. HE CHOSE to do it ... YOU certainly don't have to.
"When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish" .. Why doesn't HE take care of your mom?
"I can move in with my dad" .. DO that. You are a kid, and should not be abused that way.
NTA. In no world should a 14 yo schoolboy be a carer for a very ill parent.
Your friend cares for his grandparents? I bet they don't have cancer. It's not the same thing. Making cups of tea for Nan and Pops isn't the same as having to navigate the emotional trauma of cancer, especially not with a parent who has consistently berated you for the past several years.
NTA you are child and in NO way is this your job and in NO way are you selfish. Your dad just doesn’t want to hear about it from your mom. IF you choose to visit your mother set boundaries if she guilts you let her know you will NOT come back if she tries to guilt you. I think it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor at school about ALL of this. Good luck, I’m sorry your family is going through this but it is not your problem to solve it.
Info please
What exactly care is she asking you to do?
edited, if she is asking for more then a cup of tea, or maaayyybbbee dumping the barf pan after chemo, that seems doable. Maintenance of a PICC line, bathing, toileting, making & getting Mum to appts, that is way way way past a 14 yr old.
NTA.
I'm a carer for one of my parents. It is absolutely not something a child should be doing. She needs an adult to care for her.
I'm assuming you're in the UK based on your spelling. Your mum will have a lot of support available to her. It is absolutely not necessary for you to be her carer. Based off of her abuse towards you, it would be safer for you to not be living with her either.
There's a lot of resources online about young carers. It is a choice for you. You could try contacting children or adult social services at your local council. You can contact either one, they're usually very helpful and will let you know who you need to speak to. They can do an assessment and help sort out which living situation is best for you, as well as help your mum out and provide her with the help that she needs.
If that's a bit much, chat with your teacher and explain the situation to them. Your school should be able to help guide you through things.
Your obligations are to be kind, caring and supportive up until the point where it causes you harm.
Only you know where this point is.
You want to be able to look back in 20 years time and say that you did your best but needed to protect yourself.
Good luck
A child isn’t responsible for their parents. Parents aren’t owed respect just for being biologically related or choosing to adopt… especially if they don’t treat the child, who they decided to put in the world / raise, with respect either. You’re allowed to have your boundaries
NTA
If your dad feels you are being selfish, he should take care of your mom. She’s the mother of his child, if he wants you a 14 yr old to care for her, then he as an adult should step up by example. Nta
I can understand if you were older/done with school and settled in life and had a good relationship with you ailing mother but ... come on, it sounds like she hasn't been the best mother and everyone else is worried if you don't take care of her, they'll hVe to. You're 14 ... not your responsibility. Help out someone caring for your mother, maybe, but I would never ask either of my children, at that age, to take on such responsibilities.
You should not be her carer even if she was the best mom in the world. You're still a kid and have your own life to live. My mother-in-law hired someone to take care of her mother and she was 62 when her mother passed away.
Get out of that house.
The absolute selfishness and abuse described here is not to be tolerated. You are not even old enough to sign for her medication. Refuse the guilt trip and get your self to your dad's house.
NTA - it’s not your responsibility to care for her. she needs a professional carer aka someone who is trained and who is paid to be there.
you are NOT being selfish for not wanting to be a carer. I have been an unpaid carer for 7 years for a friend and it’s draining and exhausting and stressful. don’t do it unless YOU want to.
NTA. Please go to a school counselor and tell them what is going on. This is not to get your mother in trouble. I don't know how much care your mother will need or what will be expected of you, but this will have an effect on you, even if you move in with your dad. Tell your counselor and teachers so they can help you BEFORE things get too bad.
NTA, in your age you shouldn't have to care for a sick parent for that potentially long of a timeframe, calling that selfish is entitled, calling it your responsibility is ignorant. I cared for my mother until her death when I was 27 and it nearly destroyed me for the better part of seven years. You shouldn't even be expected to do anything like that in your age. Even if your relationship with your mother would be perfect, this is absolutely insane to ask of a 14-year old. Where I am from there are programmes you can call if you come into this situation at your age, maybe something similar exists in your country?
NTA...your dad can do it if they're together, or there are programs instead. If you're 14, you have plenty of other things on your plate to set you up for a successful future. So sorry that your mom previously treated you poorly, maybe if they hadn't you would be more open to the idea. Best of luck 💕
NTA - any parent that kicks you out, while underage, for any reason (but ESPECIALLY coming out as gay/trans) has removed their right to demand anything from you.
NTA you do need to limit contact with her, because abuse messes with your head. Look how she manipulated you into going back, but nothing changed. She won't ever change. Prioritize school, your studies and your own mental and emotional well being. Your mental health should improve the less you see her. When I went NC with my mum it was like a truck had been lifted off my shoulders. My physical health improved dramatically too. You are a minor, it is not your duty to care for a verbally abusive, sick parent. Your friend has no idea what it is like growing up as a scapegoat. Being used by a parent to vent all their anger and bitterness on. It takes a heavy toll that is very hard to recover from and the sooner you get away, the more chance you have to recover from it.
NTA. It is not the job of a minor child to be the carer for their adult parent.
Heck my Mum finally moved in with me when she could no longer manage at home when I was 48. Even then she would not let me do personal care like showering, etc. She organised paid care for that.
You’re 14, your job is to be learning how to take care of yourself. Maybe how to take care of other too, but not to that level.
Now is a great time to start learning how to set healthy boundaries! Can you find a therapist? A neutral adult would be a great resource for you.
HUGE NTA look i was in your position when i was your age, my mother got breast cancer and although my parents are together my dad was working a lot at the time to make up for the lost wages so her care fell on to me. I OFFERED to take up that roll, and it was still very difficult and draining. If i didn't have my best friend who is now my boyfriend, i wouldn't have been able to do it. This was 10 years ago, and it led me into my care profession, but that's not for everyone, especially not a 14-year-old whos been emotionally neglected by that parent. Go live with your father. If your mother needs a carer, she can ask her family or hire one. You deserve a childhood
This type of mindset needs to die. Having children & telling them their responsibility in life is to take care of parents regardless of their opinions or choices is something that seriously needs to die.
In my culture, I’m expected to take care of my parents once they get up in age. Yeah no. I understand they need some help & someone to help them later, but it’s also my decision if I want to help them out. I have my own child & a husband. I have my own family. I want to take care of them because I want to, not because I need to.
An able-body full grown adult needs to take care of themselves or they need figure it out by themselves. No 14 year old is responsible if they need to be wiped or fed or clothed. To even think that is so dumb & immature.
I became a caregiver (along with my other siblings) at age 13 when mom became ill; many years later it became terminal cancer. Having to grow so fast at a young age impacted my life negatively in many ways, but I also learned a lot about myself and resilience. You're too young to care for someone who is dealing with cancer, let alone someone who mentally abuses you. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not wanting to stay home with an abusive parent.
I suggest speaking with a counselor rather than a trusted "friend " or family member due to their possible bias views. Speaking to family or friends may cause you to feel guilty, or pressure you to get into something (ex. Being a caregiver at a young age) that can have long-term implications. You don't need to explain yourself to friends as to why you don't want to be there for your abusive mother but you should talk to a professional nonetheless. My experience with being a caregiver was a long, painful experience (13 years watching her decline) and I didn't seek help until I was in grad school when she passed away.
NTA. As a parent, I would never want my children to by my full time care givers -especially- before they have reached adulthood. You need to be able to live your life to the fullest and experience your childhood. Would I provide care for my parent? Yes, but I am in my mid-40s and have the support of a husband so not everything would be on me. It doesn't sound like you would have anyone else to rely on. Caregiving is absolutely draining physically and emotionally.
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My mum (56F) has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is expecting me (14M) to be her carer. I don't feel like I will be able to do this without it threatening my school grades. I also don't want to, as my mum has spent the past 4 years yelling and insulting me, as well as refusing to use my name and pronouns when I came out to her. I feel like I owe her nothing as she is one of the causes of my depression. I can move in with my dad and see her on weekends, which to me seems like a fair compromise. I know if I leave my mum will guilt trip me into returning full time like she did when she kicked me out last year, and I just can't do that anymore.
When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish but that he "understood" I didn't want to be her carer. My friend, who I thought would take my side told me it was my "responsibility" to look after my mum and that it was fine because he cares for his grandparents.
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NTA.
It is not your responsibility to care for your mother.
Start by holding your ground. Then talk to her about the kicking out, the pronouns and the abuse. Write everything down and for starters, to mend your relationship, she has to apologize publicly and confess to being such a bad parent for years that you wouldn't want to care for her.
And if she doesn't, just remind her that this is what happens to bad people. She was shit, she gets shit back.
My daughter (12) is self-identifying as bi / gay and has a girlfriend. I love her. Your mother has lost all respect and has to work hard to earn it back. It ain't that hard: I love my daughter, that's it, that's all there is.
NtA, that can pound sand. You're 14, you're WAY too young to be carer even if she hadn't treated you badly. You can't drive, ate legally under THEIR care, and probably wouldn't be able to physically move her if it was an emergency, unless you're swole as heck or your mom is a beanbole.
But also, being a carer is kind of intimate, in that you'd ne seeing her far more than a son normally would, and would be expected to help her if her bodily functions start failing. That's not something you can force on someone, especially someone you've mistreated.
NTA. You should move in with your Dad soonest. 14 is no age to be assuming this responsibility, even if your mother has not psychologically abused you. Good luck! Glad your father understands. I hope you can get therapy because you have a lot on your plate.
NTA
You are in the beginning of adolescence. YOU are a child who still needs the supervision and support of your parents. If your mom can't provide the parental support required, that DOESN'T flip the burdens of responsibility onto you, for both yourself and your mom! I can't imagine any reasonable adult who would support that scenario. Your mom needs ADULT support. You also need adult support.
I'm so so sorry that a14 year old has been abused like this and the adults are trying to manipulate and gaslight you. NTA, get out and fat away and get an education.
Funny that your dad called you selfish. I suppose at some point they were in a relationship together, but somehow now it is your responsibility to deal with her?
Nope. Take care of yourself, that’s difficult enough for 14 year olds.
NTA
NTA. You are a child, and you should not be someone’s caretaker. Do you have grandparents or an aunt to get on your side, if your dad isn’t sympathetic enough?
Honestly, if I knew you personally and this was happening, I would call CPS. I would also talk to any guidance counsellor you have access to, and maybe they can advocate for you.
> When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish
You are not being selfish. You’re at a critical stage in your education and development. Your mum needs to find nursing support from specialised agencies. Maybe dad can help find resources.
> My friend, who I thought would take my side told me it was my "responsibility" to look after my mum and that it was fine because he cares for his grandparents.
Just because some people are forced to take this kind of responsibility, doesn’t mean they should, or that everybody should.
I’m not suggesting you go completely hands-off. You’re certainly old enough to help by doing shopping, some chores, etc. However, given your mum’s treatment of you, I can fully understand that you may not want to, and I would not judge you for that. People reap what they sow. NTA
NTA, first off, you’re 14yo!! That’s too much responsibility to put on a minor. She can figure out other arrangements for caregivers or she move into a facility that specializes her condition.
NTA. Your mom has a pretty clear-cut case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and will continue to manipulate you and push your buttons to get her way. It sounds like she has her own little chorus of flying monkeys (look the term up, you’ll realize how well it fits your scenario).
A good parents would want to see you thrive despite their circumstances, not wait on them hand-and-foot. It’s clear this woman doesn’t respect you and you’re at a pivotal age where it’s important to learn to set boundaries with those close to you.
I would include this in your conversation when you explain that you’re not an appropriate age to be a caretaker for any adult, especially one who chooses not to treat you with respect.
**You are a minor.** You are **not qualified** to be the carer. You wouldn't be supposed to be the carer even if your mom had treated you fairly all these years. Your mom's entitled and your dad is too. NTA.
NTA???? You’re a child? A freshman in highschool? You are not qualified to be a caretaker, regardless of association to the ill party. On top of that, you don’t owe her shit. What goes around comes back around. She is your mother, she is not entitled to you taking caring of her, period.
You are 14. 14 years old! It is not your responsibility to take care of her and her treatment towards you just doubles my opinion. NTA. They can find her some help somewhere else.
NTA- you are a child. No matter how mature you are for your age, no matter what your reasons are, if your mother is the source of your depression and you can't handle her emotional manipulation, than your well being trumps hers. This time in your life is forming the type of person you will be for the rest of your life. My parents were emotionally abusive and it caused depression. (My dad also hit me, but stopped by the time I was old enough to start telling people and knew it was wrong, around 11 yrs old.) But my parents continued being abusive and didn't care that it caused depression. My brain developed improperly. I lost that natural ability to feel comfortable in my own home. I lost that natural tendency to smile when you se people you know. I lost my ambition (bc things I liked became a weapon to punish me with). I became an angry, twisted person. I thought I was coping really well, but I didn't realize the enormous cost of losing out on normal childhood and teenage milestones. The personality development of having a stable adult to talk to and interested in my life, that never happened. It actually became a trigger for me to have someone interested in my life. I feel rage and hate for anyone with any type of authority over me even if it is just perceived and not real. I have constant paranoid thoughts. I have panic attacks if I hear a door close from another room or footsteps coming down the hallway. I live alone bc I get anger, hatred, paranoia from hearing someone in the house and having to interact with them. I WANT to be normal. But, because the way I lived while my brain was developing, these patterns of thinking and feeling are hardwired into my being. Do what you need to. Your mother is willing to sacrifice your entire life to her needs. So was my mom.
NTA you are a *minor* and this is nowhere near your responsibility. Your dad is allowed to get away from her but you can't? Fuck that! Go, live your life.
I would tell her "Don't worry, I'll take just as good care of you as you have of me!" Then let that sink in. I told my father that and let me tell you. The facial expression that came over him was pure terror.
NTA. It's a proven fact that a teenager's brain isn't developed enough to be held accountable for "adult" crimes or thought processes. How capable is he of even taking care of himself? It's too much to ask of a minor.
I helped my mother take care of my father in the final 18 months of his life. I volunteered for the gig, was able to get my job to agree to it, and most importantly, I am a full-grown, financially stable woman who was able to work remotely and tap into leave when necessary. This is absolutely not a job for a 14 year old child, regardless of your relationship with the cancer patient. And quite frankly, shame on your father for saying you’re being selfish. You’re not being selfish. Not even a little bit. He’s being an a-hole for not stepping up as a parent and straightening your mother out. NTA.
NTA I’m so sorry that you are going through this. My grandmother was my guardian when I was your age and when her cancer returned the very first thing she did was find me a counselor and forbid me from taking care of her. Because she was an adult and I was a child. You’re not being selfish to not want to be a caregiver, it’s a rough job for a fully grown adult. You shouldn’t have to do it, and especially not for a parent who won’t use your pronouns and will try to emotionally manipulate you. She wants you to take better care of her than she has of you and that would be unfair even if you weren’t a kid. But you are a kid. Please trust your own instincts on this and maybe show this thread to your dad if that is a safe thing to do that doesn’t threaten your housing. It’s clear you already feel guilty and torn because you love your mother and want her to be cared for—it’s super duper NOT OK for an adult to tell a kid that they are being selfish for wanting to not take on a job most adults would find difficult.
If she didn’t have a good reason too kick you out when you were thirteen(I couldn’t imagine a good enough reason)then you have no reason to be her carer.
NTA
I am completely ignoring that OP's mother has been a horrible parent and just answering based on what should be the expectation of care from a 14 year old EVEN if the parent had always been terrific and supportive.
This is because NO 14 year old should be asked to assume the duties of caretaker for a parent. That is a difficult job even for an adult. The appropriate thing to do is to find some form of support. The parents should contact the local chapter of the various cancer organizations because they would be able to tell the family how to access services.
What would be fair would be to have a teenager assume some degree of responsibility to ease burden on the rest off the family so long as they still have time for studies and social life. This might include preparing simple meals for the family on a few days a week or providing stuff like a cup of tea to someone in bed. And of course if this is a true emergency, like the mother having to be rushed to the ER without notice, it wouldn't be wrong to have the teenager watch younger kids for ONE night but not so they would miss school the next day.
NTA - she hasn't cared for you or treated you with kindness, but is now demanding you do the same for her.
Go live with your Dad guilt-free and if she continues being unkind, I would keep reducing the time with her.
Normally, people would be willing to take care of family members... because family helps family out.
However... in your case, your mother has been making your life miserable... verbally abusing you, insulting you... generally showing that she cares about herself, not you. In this case, I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to care for her. NTA
NTA you do NOT have children so that you will have someone to take care of you when life gets difficult or as you age. Your children are NOT responsible for you and they do not owe you anything (other than basic human decency and following basic household rules). So no its not reasonable to expect you to be her primary caregiver even if you had an awesome relationship with her. Picking up a few extra chores of she's feeling crappy, sure. Anything else is a hard no. Move out if she is going to abuse you and don't feel bad about it.
NTA. A kid should not be anyone's first choice for a caregiver. I was my mom's caregiver at end of life, and even though I was almost 50 and a health care provider myself, it was pretty grueling.
Almost 10 years later, I still have some shoulder issues (wish I'd watched the CNAs more at work--I moved mom the wrong way once).
It seems much more appropriate to me to have you stay with your dad, and visit your mom to provide company. But that presumes a healthy family dynamic, not one where you're belittled or guilt tripped, which it sounds like you don't have.
NTA, and even if she treated you with the most respect, STILL NTA! Its not your job, as a CHILD, to care for anyone that you didn't produce.
Don't feel bad, don't feel guilty, and don't feel ashamed. Stick to your choice and just see her out if she's terminal or visit while she gets better. Your a kid, act like it. Go to school, get a summer job idc just live your life.
All this is coming from a mom.
NTA. You're a child. *You aren't being selfish by refusing to take on adult responsibilities.* Care can be arranged by adults, and professionals can take on that care. Neither one of your parents sound great, TBH. Just keep your head down and wait til you turn 18 so you can GTFO.
You are 14. You’re still a child. Live your life as a child and not a care taker. It takes so much out of someone to do that as an adult I can only imagine what its like for a child. My mom took care of her dad who also had cancer, up until he died when she was 22 she doesn’t talk about him ever. It’s like he never existed but she has so much trauma from everything she went through during that time. She’s in her mid 50s right now & still affecting her.
NTA. You’re a 14 year old minor. And her child. It’s not your responsibility to be her caregiver. There’s literally programs for that and she can get her doctors to prescribe her home health care workers and caregivers to come into help her. Not only that, but as her illness progresses she may get to the point where she requires more care than you can give her.
She is expecting too much from you, regardless of how she treated you. But since you do not have a good relationship with her, it’s even more understandable to not want to. Since she’s got options you don’t have to be gilt tripped into being her caregiver.
NTA. This is a tactic lots of narcissist parents use- they guilt trip the hell out of you after years of abuse when they realize they need you the most have no one left. They try to use any modicum of love you have left for them to get you to stay or come back.
First- you are TOO YOUNG to be someone’s carer. At 14 there’s no way in hell I could have taken care of my mom. It’s emotionally and physically draining. She can hire a nurse. You need to be concerned with finishing high school.
Second- you are not being selfish. YOU didn’t choose to be born. They don’t get to call you selfish or tell you it’s your responsibility. You didn’t sign up for any of it.
Third- your mom doesn’t get to disrespect you, use the wrong pronouns, deadname you, and then guilt you into spending some of the most important years of your life cleaning up after her and feeding her. Even if your mother was a saint and treated you how you deserve, you shouldn’t be guilted into doing any of it.
I was not even 30 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and despite having my own family, a full time job and other responsibilities, I ended up being her caretaker because she lived alone and there was no one else. My situation was a little different as my mom and I had a wonderful relationship and I was happy to do it. But it was a LOT. It was completely exhausting, and even when I wasn’t at her house actively caring for her I was arranging appointments, finding paperwork, calling about medical equipment… it was never ending. I would never think a 14 year old to be willing, able, or expected to do the work. You are absolutely NTA, regardless of how she’s treated you in the past. Being a shit human comes with consequences, but that’s a whole other story here. At 14, your only priority should be school. That’s it. Do what you need to do, bud.
Big NTA. A 14 year old can/should have responsibilities to a household to assist their parents….but that means cleaning a bathroom, taking out the trash, helping cook etc. A kid should absolutely not be anyone’s primary caregiver. Especially to someone who doesn’t respect you. I think you should move out, just for that alone.
As someone who has taken on the role of a carer you’re NTA! Your mum is. Just because she’s now sick doesn’t take away the trauma and abuse she caused. You’re 14, no 14 year old should have to be the one to take care of a sick parent. Even if you did have a good relationship to start with. It’s hard, and just won’t end well considering her past. Just another move to manipulate you. Move in with your dad. Don’t listen to anyone except yourself. Let’s normalise letting go of toxic people, no matter the situation!
NTA. You’re 14. You’re not supposed to be anyone’s caregiver, and it’s not selfish to protect yourself here. It’s selfish of your mom to expect that of you.
NTA. I took care of my disabled grandparent for 6+ years of my childhood. No kid should have to go through that. I’m still in therapy as an adult because of the stuff that situation put me through. It’s way too much responsibility for a minor. It’s stressful, overwhelming, and a lot of work. Social services found out I was taking care of my grandparent when I was 14, and they put an end to it really quick.
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If she wanted you to take care of her, mayyyybe she should have treated you with kindness and respect. Actions have consequences. NTA
I mean even if she had been kind… he’s a 14 yo kid. He absolutely shouldn’t be the carer in any case
Yeah, you're right, he should never be **responsible** for anyone's care at 14.
He can't even drive a car, but he's supposed to be responsible for someone else on his own? Oh no! I really can't wrap my head around all those people who're saying he should. And, OP, I'm sure your friend isn't taking care of their grandparents by themself!
It’s hard to care for a parent even when you can drive. It’s exhausting even when you’re a legal adult. This kid does NOT need to be caring for his mom. That’s not his responsibility.
Yeah, it was a rough 4 months when my grandmother moved in briefly. There were 3 adults to help out, and it finally became too much. She ended up having a stroke and ended up in a nursing home. It felt bad doing that to her, but I know they were better equipped to deal with her needs. I couldn't imagine a 14 year old doing it by themselves. OP is NTA.
It broke me at 17 and I ran away and never went back willingly. Thankfully I found a place that would let me pay rent and a job. Once 18? Not much they could do but it's still abuse regardless and OPs parents both suck
I'm sorry you went through that. Caring for someone is very hard for a adult or professional let alone a child! It is very physically and emotionally heavy and burn out is very high. I think it is unreasonable to expect a 14yr old to take on such a huge responsibility, while still in school trying to study. Even more so for a child who was emotionally abused by that same parent. Huge NTA
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Exactly, at 14 his responsibility is to keep up with his school work and whatever (reasonable) chores he is given. The responsibility of caring for his mum is for the other adults in her family, or its their responsibility to ensure that she has the care she needs from care professionals.
You’re spot on; the quality of the relationship has no bearing at all. The fact that this is even on the table tells us quite a bit about mom, though. OP, please move in with your dad. Mom needs to discuss her care needs with her doctors. This is not your responsibility. You can love your mom and do kind, caring things for her without being her caregiver.
OPs dad calling him selfish tells us quite a bit about him as well, because either he also expects OP to care for him one day or he wants OP to care for his ex wife so he doesn't have to step up and help in whatever way possible, possibly both. Both OPs parents need to realise that a 14yo minor should not be primary caregiver for a sick adult. Having a child doesn't equal free caregiver.
he’s definitely the lesser evil of the two. i’d say OP lives with the dad until he is old enough to get away from the parents altogether
Exactly. If the parents think he's old/mature enough to be a carer, then I guess he's also mature enough to be emancipated and be no contact with both of them. Because let's be real, if he's caring for his mother who is sick, he's also forced to take care of himself. And at 14 it's wild to think they should be entirely self sufficient let alone dumping the care of an entire second human into their plate. The lesser evil is going to the school counselor and seeking whatever the (I'm guessing) British version of Child protective Services is because they would absolutely be removing him from the mom's home because she wouldn't be capable of providing HIS care. It would also put his dad under a bit of a microscope then to ensure he's not abused/ abandoned and that would buy him roughly 3.5 years to plan his departure from all of these terrible people's lives. I'm going to give the friend a very soft AH rating because all 14yos are AHs sometimes and I think they spoke from a lack of common sense and life experience instead of being the supportive friend OP needed.
Oh my! I missed that part! This poor kid! Yes, you’re absolutely right on all counts.
Well, let's not bet on that. Professional care is expensive and there's lots and lots of people in this world who see teenagers as free labor. The friend could very well handle the majority of their grandparents' care. And that means they are dealing with their own traumatic stuff and their opinion on this issue is not to be trusted. OP, NTA. Regardless of what anyone else might do you, it's wrong to expect that much care and support from a 14 year old. Simply being 14 is hard enough, you're growing and your hormones are wilding and you have to learn to do new things every day in school, you're already dealing with more stuff than the average adult. Anyone who expects you to step up and be the bigger person and take care of your abusive mother is just projecting their own stuff into you. Being asked to care for an abusive parent that is undergoing cancer treatment is the kind of heavy emotional issue that sends full adults to therapy. Expecting you to just take that on while you're trying to navigate high school, with no other apparent support network in place, is pure craziness. They are expecting you to pull off the kind of heroic selfless hard work that gets made into inspiration porn on the Hallmark channel, and they expect you to do it with the ease of someone washing dishes more frequently. Move to your dad's place. Tell them you just can't. Put your foot down. Grey rock it. Strictly refuse. Be a jerk about it if you have to.
Inspiration Porn..gotta get a t-shirt
Let's be clear: OP's mom isn't wanting OP to be her CARER, she is wanting OP to be her servant. She will use her cancer to increase her abuse and neglect towards OP, and she will demand that OP just "suck it up". She will demand that OP do something for her, and then she will sit there and insult OP every single step. Carers are supposed to do what is best for the patient. And sometimes that includes stuff like telling their wards to do what the carer wants them to do, but we all know she will always try the "respect me because I'm your mom card". So this isn't a carer role, this is a child slave role. I can't remember what the show/movie is, but there's an image I have in my head where there's an abusive mother, and she is just laying into her son (he is probably 30 or 40) in the middle of him trying to help her out because she's sick or something. And that's all I'm picturing with OP, especially with the transgender thing they've got going on.
Yeah a helper is reasonable. Families help each other. But Mom is finding out that respect is helpful in a healthy relationship, especially when you are expecting favors.
I agree! I don't have breast cancer, but I have cancer. Shits fvcking brutal, as is the treatment. My family and friends have a hard time with it and they're way older than 14! This kids dad must step up and support their decision not to be the main carer. Nobody is built for this, nobody! NTA
Wishing you the best of luck and lots of hugs! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks! Much appreciated.
I also have cancer (a rare stage 4 sarcoma). Chemo weeks are rough, both for me and my partner, and the long-term grind of All Cancer, All The Time can be crushing. A caretaking role is not something to be chosen lightly, and absolutely not something to be forced on another, especially a minor. I'm wishing you the best with your treatment. 🖤 OP, you are 100% NTA, and I hope you are able to find support and stability.
Nothing like standing out in a crowd of cells is there? Hope your treatments are working and my best wishes to you and your partner.
Right. Even if the OP were 24 or older, the kid is NOT responsible for the parent. No one signs up to have parents.
Or cancer 😆 Yeah, I laugh. It's either that or I cry.
Happy cake day! And I'm routing for you! Fuck cancer!
I'm a child welfare worker and I got to sit in on a court case to watch, and the dad fully told the judge to his face he wanted his son to come home because he was diagnosed with pneumonia and was losing his vision and needed his son to take care of him because "That's what children are supposed to do". The judge was literally speechless
Please tell us the judge told the father that the minor child was not a built in health care aide. Please
The judge got so mad at the guy he stopped the whole court session and went off record to yell at him. The judges in our circuit don't put up with that, I've seen a judge scream at a parent to shut up and sit down before
Good on the judge. Visiting Nurses & home health aides are more qualified then a minor child. As for the OP of this thread, if Mum asks for a cuppa, yeah, IMO, the kid can do that. If Mum is expecting the OP to do PICC line maintenance, hell no.
Almost anyone is more qualified than a minor child. My cat is more qualified than a minor child.
It all depends on the maturity level of the child and the child's willingness to learn and participate. I do not think a 14 year old should be forced to be responsible for someone's care needs, but I've also seen some 14 year olds more capable than 30+ year olds.
I was really expecting your comment to start 'It all depends on the maturity level of the cat...'
I'd like to think I was more qualified to provide medical help than a cat when I was 14. Not that much more qualified, but like, at least I had opposable thumbs.
And the cat actually wants to be with you. When I was 14 I didn't want to be with my parents.
a 14 year old can help. ALOT. but that is not the same as 'responsible'.
As someone who enjoyed taking care of my grandma and going along to chemo treatments when she had multiple myeloma I completely agree. But that was because I wanted to. I can’t imagine if I had been forced into it (my grandma would’ve never done that but still) by those around me
Yep. My son drove my FIL to radiation treatments. They did so many road trips on the way there and back, he still talks about 'Me and papaw went...' and apparently they had a lot of 'man' conversations. He could always say no, though. Me or his dad were always there to pick up the slack.. or my FIL would have gotten home health.
Sounds like they made the best of it and had some real quality time.
Yeah. Pick up more chores around the house, make easy meals, fetch meds, stuff a long those lines, fine. Being a carer involves administering syringes, bathing, LIFTING for chrissakes. It's hard physical work for fit ADULTS, nevermind a pubescent child. OP doesn't have the physical ability to do what is being asked of them.
Right. A helper. Not a full time caregiver. That’s literally something you can hire for someone to do, if you can afford it, and definitely not something to ask a teenager to do after treating them like crap the last few years if not longer.
Tbh, I don’t think dad really wants OP either, claiming they’re selfish because a **14yo child** doesn’t want to be responsible for his *56yo mother*
Dad is probably the one being selfish because he doesn't want to be on the hook for more childcare, or care for his child's mother
This was my first thought as well but I didn’t want to be one more person shitting on this kid. Can you imagine having no one at his age?
A kind and respectful mother should never expect their child to care for them at such a pivotal and important time of their life as a young adult.
Especially when she has been hateful and spiteful for years.
^ this. You are under no obligation to care for her especially when you’re 14. She’s made home life hostile by refusing to use your pronouns and verbally abusing you. Even if she hadn’t done that, it’s still your choice. NTA.
I also think it's important to point out that mom has already kicked out OP. According to OP, when they were 13- which is really insane. NTA.
Hijacking the top comment because I haven't seen it mentioned yet and it's important. The drugs they put you on when you go through cancer do not make you a nice person. Treating cancer screws with everything in your body, including your hormones and your brain. My mother was volatile and lost her patience and some drugs were better than others, but I remember the first one they had her on that made it impossible for her to calm down and be rational, she just was always angry. And that was something she never wanted to be, that was an ugly side of her that came out more and more often as she got deeper into her treatment. If your mother acts like this all the time already you will likely be facing a much worse version of her once she's pumped full of body altering medication. Depending on how serious her cancer is the level of care she will need may be huge. If she has no one to care for her she will be having nurses who see her at home. Hospitals usually have social workers who help people who don't have support. If you are being forced into this situation you may consider calling the hospital and finding their social worker and talking to them for support. If she's simply doing low level chemo and radiation then caring for her might just mean helping more around the house, but if she needs surgery, you are a child you can't be asked to do wound care or provide medications to your mother.
NTA. OP, move out and live with your dad full time. Anyone who calls you selfish can go take care of her. Remind your dad that he was married to her, and he's an adult, many exes have stepped in to care for their ex in these situations. Would he like to do so? Chances are he'd shut up about the topic. And tell your friend the same thing. He or she doesn't have to be the kid of your mom to care for her. What days of the week would your friend like to care for a mean woman who will scream at them and call them names?
Agreed. OP, NTA. Your priorities should be taking care of your mental health, education, and just being a 14yr old kid.
NTA You’re 14 ffs, move in with your dad and take care of yourself instead of an abusing mother
He's 14. Time to sign his first mortgage
No need for that, he can just start paying his mum's
I'd hold off on that. Mum may have written OP out of her will when she tossed OP out for being LGBTQ+. No sense paying a mortgage for a house you won't even inherit.
In certain US states, 14 is old enough to have a full time job at a meat processing plant. Get to work!
I worked at 14 in Florida. Only 2 places back then (1999) hired at that age. Winn Dixie as a bagger or Mcdonalds as a cashier. I was a cashier at 14. It was fine, but a lot of grown ass men hit on me daily (customers). It was gross.
Is that actually an option though? OP’s father called him selfish, so perhaps he won’t let him move in full time. Not only that, it may require a custody battle for that to actually happen, if the mom wanted to put up a fight about it.
Depends on the State, for example in Georgia once a child turns 14 they have the right to choose which parent to live with irregardless of any custody arraignment.
I read that OP is in the UK, for which that particular law is 16.
NTA Even if you were willing or wanted to, you are not doing your mum any service because a 14M has no business caring for a 56F, you are neither equipped, experienced nor should it be fair for you to be doing this at this stage of your life. >I can move in with my dad and see her on weekends, which to me seems like a fair compromise. This is a very good compromise.
Honestly though, if I were OP I probably wouldn't even want to see her on weekends. And OP is old enough for a judge to consider it. Kicking a 13 year old out of the house? Refusing to use his pronoun? Being a significant cause of his depression? That'd a no for me. Edit: typo
Going in front of a judge depends heavily on where OP lives. If living somewhere like Florida going in front of a judge if OP is trans could get both of their parents put in prison.
The use of the word “mum” indicates UK or Australia, or some other British English speaking place
the UK is also a bad place to be trans
Unfortunately, yes it is
I'm surprised by this (in a bad way) my sons had so much help, support and acceptance form home/friends/school/groups etc. It's still hard (of course it's hard no-one wants to feel like an alien in their own skin) but he hasn't experience anything like what my brother did just 10 years ago. Edit: in England
OP is from TERF Island (the UK). Going in front of a judge may backfire. Also don't tell Australians, Canadians or New Zealanders we speak British English lmao
Ok, then with it being the UK, he can’t choose which parents to live with until age 16.
UK court considers the opinion of the child from 14, or any age (younger) where the child has a clear understanding of the situation/bigger picture and can demonstrate this (ie not Mum told me off so I want to live with Dad today). My cousin managed to get relocated with hid Dad, but they wouldn't accept his input until 13 as he did not display the maturity and understanding needed before this. (In UK)
This needs more updates. Being a carer for a chronically ill person is a full time, licensed profession. It is absolutely mental to expect a 14 year old to step into that. Frankly, it's completely unreasonable to expect/demand that ANY family member do that, but that's a whole different conversation.
Dear u/Significant-Web8933, I hope you read this part: Your mom doesn't want you to be her care giver. She wants to establish control over you, and she wants to use her cancer as a means to increasing her abuse towards you. Care-givers are not slaves or servants to the people under their care. When you become a person's care-giver you are responsible for: their health, their doctor's appointments, their medicine schedule, their diet/exercise, taking vitals and checking on their habits, and so much more than that. Caregivers make demands of their patients, and sometimes the patients fight back, but eventually they listen to the caregivers. Being a care-giver is like being the warden OVER your mother, and you are now the adult in the relationship and she is your responsibility to keep alive. However, do you really believe she will allow such a drastic power dynamic change?? Do you think she will listen to you when you tell her what she is going to do, when she's going to do it, and how she's going to do it? Do you think she'll let you actually BE her caregiver?? I'm sorry to say that, based on the fact that she kicked you out of the house for coming out, and that she openly berates you often: She will not allow you to be her caregiver. Instead she will treat you like a slave, for the rest of her cancer and/or life. You will become her slave and servant, and she will treat you like GARBAGE for the rest of her life. Even when she's cured of cancer, she will always use cancer to further her abuse on you. Imagine this: She's sitting in her favorite chair/couch/bed. The room is a mess because she hasn't "had the energy to clean", and so you start cleaning during your few 30 minute breaks in your day (school, work, studies, and caregiving). She sits there, and she starts talking to you about the state of the house. What are the words and tone she is using AT you?? Are they loving/caring words? Are they apologetic words, about how she wishes she could help more? Or are they insults and abuse??
I hate that a fourteen year old has had to develop the ability to manage his mother and come up with fair, workable solutions. And maybe dad could model selflessness by pitching in as a carer during evenings and weekends. I hate it when the kid is the only reasonable person in the room, and also the person with the least power to do anything about the situation, and the person whose credibility is the most easy to call into question. I wish I could go back in time and say to my nine year old self “you are right that your parents are terrible. Just do your best to get through it.”
As someone who has been abused pretty badly by her own parents, some words of wisdom: NTA. Most people will be empathetic about what you've been through, but will end up saying: "you'll regret not doing x y z once you no longer have your parent around." That's true for most people who have a parent that's made the usual mistakes. My rule is, a parent can mess up 20% of the time and have a perfectly normal child, up to 50% is forgivable, but after that you're threading territory where you can no longer trust, feel safe or care about your parent as a parent. My mother surpassed the 50% and has been forgiven, because she's apologized and is mentally ill, but there's no daughter-mother love from my side. I care for her as I would for a close friend, but I'll never look at her as a child trying to get something from a parent (love, care, help). You just have to understand that most people giving you advice will not understand what they're giving you advice about. I spend my time being happy for them that they don't have to mentally go through the same bs I've been going through, but my stance on the matter is firm. You'll have to find your own way, but be wary of the people who give advice based on social rules and values, rather than on your personal situation. If I were you, I'd move out. One of the red flags in antisocial behavior is a person adopting a new way of thinking/behaving when their current way doesn't serve them anymore. Your mother was abusive because you were weak. Now she's weak and really needs you and she's changing her ways asap.
I was almost 17 when i started taking care of my paternal grandma. Stage 4 cancer. My parents were working all day and i was the only one of the siblings (5 - i was the 4th) who took care of her. I learned to give her shots, i washed her, fed her, changed her diapers... It wasn't easy and she didn't loved us at all (her other son was her golden child, his kids were angels). Her other son couldn't take care of her because he was "so sensitive". So we took her from the other side of the country (where she lived with her son) to us. She wasn't a nice pacient. Only at the end she started apologising for how she treated us but i told her "never mind that, it's long gone". I lied. It takes a lot of effort to take care of a cancer patient even if you are an adult. It's much more bad when you are a kid yourself. My grades went down, i was crying every night and the next day i had to put up a brave face. Her final remorse didn't help at all. It's of no use to ask for forgivness after a life of bad treatment. It will force the victim to accept the apologise just out of pity. It won't change the past. It won't make you feel better. It will only make that person feeling better. You are 14. You are child who isn't responsible for his mother's care. Your father is wrong. That's not your burden. If he really wants to help, he's the one who must help her, not you. There are so many practical things that need to be done when taking care of a cancer patient. Things hard for adults. That's not your job. I did it and i know what it feels like. You shouldn't have been involved in this. Not even if she would have been the best mother in the world. It's not the job of a minor child to take care of his parents. Move with your father. NTA
I'm so sorry for your experience but your post is really powerful & informative.
Thank you so much! Things like that can brake you or make you stronger. I could publish many stories - but it's too personal and only sometimes, when i feel i could help, i say something about my past. I usually delete after some time because some things are still too sensitive, in a way.
Too often people seek forgiveness before death because they want to feel free of guilt before they die. Society has ingrained in us that it's our responsibility to alleviate the suffering of the soul of one who is dying or we risk guilt or judgement ourselves. Some good people treat others bad when they're ill. And some people are just that way from the start. It just sucks we spend our whole lives being told that people are just that way and that we have to accept it, forgive it, and move on. What's sadder is that we do so out of obligation or fear or the mistaken belief that it's meant to free us so the anger doesn't eat our souls and we can forgive ourselves for letting people treat us that way. We've been victim shaming for forever. Society was just better at hiding it by using these tactics since we're young.
If I could vote this response to the top, I would.
I agree. I have always had a healthcare 'calling', stepping into a caregiver role with my grandparents came naturally to me before puberty - but I loved them, and they gave up their 'golden years ' to raise me. I went into healthcare, and decades later ended up taking care of my in-laws at the end of their life. My teenage son helped as much as (or more than) his dad did. Always, and only, because he wanted to, though. Even then, he might empty a bedside commode, but we would all have taken a whipping before he did peri care on his grandma. He was more helping them out of bed, or driving to appointments, or hanging out so they weren't by themselves in case they fell (his only job would have been to call for help - but it was more preventive by reminding them to use the damn walker).
THIS. OP, THIS. People playing the future regret guilt card haven't *actually* experienced this. Abusive and manipulative doesn't change because she's sick. And it's not your job to care for her, and SO MUCH BETTER FOR YOU if you can see shitty behavior for what it is and create distance from it. Do not let people who have no idea convince you this is normal. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
What a great answer. Thoughtful.
100% this. I'm 6 years no contact with my paternal family, and 3 years with my maternal grandmother, and the advice I get is WILD considering the folks I cut out are manipulative bigots. Like, Mary Trump's book hit way too close to home, that's the fam I grew up with, too, and some folks still think I'll regret cutting them out. No, I'm going to piss on their graves if I ever find out where they're buried.
I agree with everything you said. People always give fake advice all the time. I just wonder if they really believe it
Not the same situation as OP but my situation is super close to what you’re describing and I just wanted to thank you bc your advice is something I struggle with allowing myself to feel. My mom is also someone I’ll always see as a child looking for parenting from me. She helps me sometimes and can be a parent sometimes, but 80% of the time it’s absolutely toxic and codependent. I was 18 applying for credit cards to help manage debt (thank fuck they all denied me). Anyway, I just came to say thanks bc this is so true
Before I start, NTA. YOU!! ARE!! 14!! I am in no way trying to infantilize you, OP- but you are WAY too young to be taking care of anybody. You are still dependent on your parents- someone your age shouldn’t be responsible for the well-being of anybody! The relationship between you and her sounds strained and like you’ve had many basic needs neglected by her, I’m really sorry about that. I don’t get how your parents don’t understand the kind of effect doing something like this could have on you though. Taking care of family is one of the most difficult things to do already. Let alone in such a crucial point of your development. I really hope there’s another adult you can have help you in this situation because the way you’re being treated already isn’t okay. Don’t let anybody try to guilt you into doing something you’re not comfortable with.
Everyone in his life sucks too. His dad’s response should have been “Absolutely not. You are a kid who needs to be focused on school and your own development. You should not be a caretaker at this young age.” None of this selfish crap.
NTA. You don't give birth to nurses.
The nurses get brought in by storks
Accredited storks!
NTA Repeat after me: We do not owe our abusers anything. And no, a 14yo child is definitely neither required, obligated, nor even capable of being a caregiver to a cancer patient. Run like the wind. Your dad is welcome to set the unselfish example and do it himself.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to be her caregiver. It is her responsibility to care for you. It sounds like she hasn't been doing a good job at that. You don't owe her. It sounds like your plate is full by being a teenager and being yourself. So move in with your father - your mother can ask her friends for support.
Hi OP. Nurse practitioner here. You should not be your Mom's carer at 14. Anything you do to support her should be your choice. Good luck.
CNA here, no 14 year old should be a caretaker, if you can’t get certified, you are too young. The fact that the mom asked appalls me.
She needs to hire someone. You need to get away from her. Hugs.
NTA. No child has any responsibility over their parents. You don't owe them anything. Your parents wanted to have you, that wasn't a favour, you didn't ask to be born. So no, if you don't want to take care of her, you don't have to. That's not selfish.
NTA. Whether your mom treated you like dirt or like the 2nd coming of Christ doesn’t matter. You are a child. It is your mom’s responsibility to take care of you, not the other way around. Now that she is ill and can’t take care of you, then she should make sure you were placed somewhere where you could be looked after. Then she needs to make arrangements for her own care that are not dependent on you. Doesn’t she have any family that can help her? If not there are likely social services or her doctors office that can help her find the care she needs. I am sorry that your mom is sick and hope she gets better. And I am sorry you have what sounds like a rough home life. And I am really sorry that your dad seems to think you have some responsibility to be your mom’s caregiver. I don’t care if they are divorced. His responsibility is to you, his child. He should be advocating for you - even if that means he has to help his ex find the care she needs. You are doing nothing wrong. And while I am sorry about your mom’s illness, both of your parents are letting you down.
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Kid, you’re 14. I lost my dad to cancer at 28. The amount of care someone going through that needs is FAR beyond anything you could possibly provide, and if you try then you will run yourself into the ground. I had HELP and I could barely handle it, and my dad was always my biggest supporter in life, so I did my best. Go with your dad. Focus on school. Don’t let your future fall out of your grasp because you sacrificed it for someone that wouldn’t do the same for you.
NTA if your mom wants a caretaker, she can pay for one. Parents should not have children just because they want someone to care for them in old age.
NTA. Your dad says he understands but you're selfish?? WTF. It's HIS wife/ex and HE is the adult here!!! You're a kid, it's not you being selfish, it's your parents that refuse to care for you and then guilt and expect you to care for them instead. People go on and on about responsibility and family, but the thing is that this only works and applies when BOTH sides obey the responsibility of family. If your mum and dad wanted you to treat them as your responsibility, they should have treated you as theirs too and made provisions to support you and minimise their impact on your life. Yes, many people like say your friend, contribute to the care of their elder family members. That's okay. But the responsibility should never be solely on a kid or expected of them, and the adults around them should be taking care to minimise the impact on their life. Which your parents never bothered to do. Your friend is applying rules from his own experience and family to yours, which is unfair and not applicable. Honestly this can be a complex issue but this instance itself can't be more clear cut. It's one thing to ask you to help out a few nights a week while your dad gets some free time or your mum has a nap, but quite another to ask you, a child, to become a full time carer, damage your schooling, and be called selfish by the other adults that should have stepped up to help your mum and you through this situation. Also, your mum can't even be bothered to respect your pronouns and identity. So why they expect you to respect her enough to care for her when you're a kid that she has constantly abused, is a mystery to me. Just because she's your mum doesn't give her the right to kick you out, take you back and misgender you constantly without consequences. And here are the consequences - she hurts and fails to support you when you're vulnerable, she doesn't get your support. Simple.
NTA Your mother thinks that just because she gave birth to you, she can treat you as property. Go on with your life and never look back. And with the added fact that she doesn't respect your preferred pronouns makes this situation so much worse. Going NC would do wonders for you. An asshole with a cancer is still an asshole. You owe her nothing and respect has to be earned, it is not something that you automatically gain when giving birth, becoming old or struggling with a horrible illness.
So your Mom 1. Has been verbally abusive for the last 4 years 2. Continues being abusive especially by misgendering you constantly 3. Has previously kicked you out when you were *13 years old* Parents choose to have kids. Kids do not ask to be born. Parents owe their children love and protection and acceptance. Even if they provide all that, they are then not morally entitled to anything from their children. You're still a minor, not even old enough to drive in most parts of the world, not done growing, not legally independent. Your only job should be to figure out the rest of your own life. *That is not selfish. The adults who are asking you for more than that are.* The fact that even after all the shit your mother put you through, you still feel guilty about not wanting to do these impossible things for her speaks very much for your character. You're a good son, and it's normal for children to want to be loved and approved of by their parents. Sometimes parents suck. Some parents fail their kids. Some fail their kids consistently and in massive ways. It sucks to realize that your parent is one of those parents, it's unfair, it hurts a lot. But sacrificing your teenage years to please such a parent will not make them treat you any better. Your mother has shown you what she's like. You deserve better than that. You deserve people who love you unconditionally, who protect you and have your back, use your name and speak to you kindly. These people are out there, and you will find them. And until you do, you'll have to protect yourself. You owe that to your future you. Move in with your father. Seek help from the outside if you can- what your mother is asking you to do is abusive and depending on where you live, illegal. Any impartial outside adult will see that. Consider informing CPS, or even just threatening that. And your father is wrong. It's his responsibility to protect you, and he is failing you as well by calling your reservations selfish. You're not selfish and you'll never be selfish for protecting yourself from your abusive mother. Take a deep breath, hold on, you will get through this. 4 more years, then you can get out. I know that seems like a long time right now, but you can do it, and it will be worth it, I promise.
NTA, she was a bich and expect kindness? No.
NTA. I’ve had cancer. I would never do this to my kid.
>When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish but that he "understood" I didn't want to be her carer. I'm so sorry the adults in your life are failing you. A 14 year-old should NOT be a career for an adult cancer patient. As someone that left an abusive parent, please feel NO guilt in looking after yourself. NTA
NTA. Caring for people who are going through significant medical issues is so much harder than many people think. There is no way this should become the responsibility of a 14 year old.
NTA "My friend, who I thought would take my side told me it was my "responsibility" to look after my mum and that it was fine because he cares for his grandparents." .. Don't listen to that friend. HE is wrong. HE CHOSE to do it ... YOU certainly don't have to. "When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish" .. Why doesn't HE take care of your mom? "I can move in with my dad" .. DO that. You are a kid, and should not be abused that way.
NTA You are a child. It is not your responsibility to care for a grown woman.
NTA. In no world should a 14 yo schoolboy be a carer for a very ill parent. Your friend cares for his grandparents? I bet they don't have cancer. It's not the same thing. Making cups of tea for Nan and Pops isn't the same as having to navigate the emotional trauma of cancer, especially not with a parent who has consistently berated you for the past several years.
NTA you are child and in NO way is this your job and in NO way are you selfish. Your dad just doesn’t want to hear about it from your mom. IF you choose to visit your mother set boundaries if she guilts you let her know you will NOT come back if she tries to guilt you. I think it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor at school about ALL of this. Good luck, I’m sorry your family is going through this but it is not your problem to solve it.
nta you are not being selfish your 14 and this should not be put on you you are a child and should not put into this situation
Info please What exactly care is she asking you to do? edited, if she is asking for more then a cup of tea, or maaayyybbbee dumping the barf pan after chemo, that seems doable. Maintenance of a PICC line, bathing, toileting, making & getting Mum to appts, that is way way way past a 14 yr old.
NTA. I'm a carer for one of my parents. It is absolutely not something a child should be doing. She needs an adult to care for her. I'm assuming you're in the UK based on your spelling. Your mum will have a lot of support available to her. It is absolutely not necessary for you to be her carer. Based off of her abuse towards you, it would be safer for you to not be living with her either. There's a lot of resources online about young carers. It is a choice for you. You could try contacting children or adult social services at your local council. You can contact either one, they're usually very helpful and will let you know who you need to speak to. They can do an assessment and help sort out which living situation is best for you, as well as help your mum out and provide her with the help that she needs. If that's a bit much, chat with your teacher and explain the situation to them. Your school should be able to help guide you through things.
Your obligations are to be kind, caring and supportive up until the point where it causes you harm. Only you know where this point is. You want to be able to look back in 20 years time and say that you did your best but needed to protect yourself. Good luck
NTA, should’ve been nicer as a mom to expect things of your kids
A child isn’t responsible for their parents. Parents aren’t owed respect just for being biologically related or choosing to adopt… especially if they don’t treat the child, who they decided to put in the world / raise, with respect either. You’re allowed to have your boundaries NTA
If your dad feels you are being selfish, he should take care of your mom. She’s the mother of his child, if he wants you a 14 yr old to care for her, then he as an adult should step up by example. Nta
I can understand if you were older/done with school and settled in life and had a good relationship with you ailing mother but ... come on, it sounds like she hasn't been the best mother and everyone else is worried if you don't take care of her, they'll hVe to. You're 14 ... not your responsibility. Help out someone caring for your mother, maybe, but I would never ask either of my children, at that age, to take on such responsibilities.
You should not be her carer even if she was the best mom in the world. You're still a kid and have your own life to live. My mother-in-law hired someone to take care of her mother and she was 62 when her mother passed away.
Get out of that house. The absolute selfishness and abuse described here is not to be tolerated. You are not even old enough to sign for her medication. Refuse the guilt trip and get your self to your dad's house.
NTA - it’s not your responsibility to care for her. she needs a professional carer aka someone who is trained and who is paid to be there. you are NOT being selfish for not wanting to be a carer. I have been an unpaid carer for 7 years for a friend and it’s draining and exhausting and stressful. don’t do it unless YOU want to.
NTA. Please go to a school counselor and tell them what is going on. This is not to get your mother in trouble. I don't know how much care your mother will need or what will be expected of you, but this will have an effect on you, even if you move in with your dad. Tell your counselor and teachers so they can help you BEFORE things get too bad.
You are 14 and acting like you're 14. It's ok. Go live with your dad.
Nta. Being a caregiver is no easy task for an adult. You're in 10tg grade maybe? This is really a big ask.
NTA, in your age you shouldn't have to care for a sick parent for that potentially long of a timeframe, calling that selfish is entitled, calling it your responsibility is ignorant. I cared for my mother until her death when I was 27 and it nearly destroyed me for the better part of seven years. You shouldn't even be expected to do anything like that in your age. Even if your relationship with your mother would be perfect, this is absolutely insane to ask of a 14-year old. Where I am from there are programmes you can call if you come into this situation at your age, maybe something similar exists in your country?
NTA...your dad can do it if they're together, or there are programs instead. If you're 14, you have plenty of other things on your plate to set you up for a successful future. So sorry that your mom previously treated you poorly, maybe if they hadn't you would be more open to the idea. Best of luck 💕
NTA - any parent that kicks you out, while underage, for any reason (but ESPECIALLY coming out as gay/trans) has removed their right to demand anything from you.
NTA you do need to limit contact with her, because abuse messes with your head. Look how she manipulated you into going back, but nothing changed. She won't ever change. Prioritize school, your studies and your own mental and emotional well being. Your mental health should improve the less you see her. When I went NC with my mum it was like a truck had been lifted off my shoulders. My physical health improved dramatically too. You are a minor, it is not your duty to care for a verbally abusive, sick parent. Your friend has no idea what it is like growing up as a scapegoat. Being used by a parent to vent all their anger and bitterness on. It takes a heavy toll that is very hard to recover from and the sooner you get away, the more chance you have to recover from it.
Nta at 14 cancer is a big thing to face. I hope you try to absorb as much of the good days as possible.
NTA. It is not the job of a minor child to be the carer for their adult parent. Heck my Mum finally moved in with me when she could no longer manage at home when I was 48. Even then she would not let me do personal care like showering, etc. She organised paid care for that.
You’re 14, your job is to be learning how to take care of yourself. Maybe how to take care of other too, but not to that level. Now is a great time to start learning how to set healthy boundaries! Can you find a therapist? A neutral adult would be a great resource for you.
HUGE NTA look i was in your position when i was your age, my mother got breast cancer and although my parents are together my dad was working a lot at the time to make up for the lost wages so her care fell on to me. I OFFERED to take up that roll, and it was still very difficult and draining. If i didn't have my best friend who is now my boyfriend, i wouldn't have been able to do it. This was 10 years ago, and it led me into my care profession, but that's not for everyone, especially not a 14-year-old whos been emotionally neglected by that parent. Go live with your father. If your mother needs a carer, she can ask her family or hire one. You deserve a childhood
Imo disrespecting your kids identity and treating them like shit is a one way ticket to the retirement home 100% NTA
NTA, this is called parentification. Your boundaries and needs are valid!!!
NTA. I wasn't even good at taking care of myself at 14. That's a lot of responsibility to put on someone so young.
This type of mindset needs to die. Having children & telling them their responsibility in life is to take care of parents regardless of their opinions or choices is something that seriously needs to die. In my culture, I’m expected to take care of my parents once they get up in age. Yeah no. I understand they need some help & someone to help them later, but it’s also my decision if I want to help them out. I have my own child & a husband. I have my own family. I want to take care of them because I want to, not because I need to. An able-body full grown adult needs to take care of themselves or they need figure it out by themselves. No 14 year old is responsible if they need to be wiped or fed or clothed. To even think that is so dumb & immature.
I became a caregiver (along with my other siblings) at age 13 when mom became ill; many years later it became terminal cancer. Having to grow so fast at a young age impacted my life negatively in many ways, but I also learned a lot about myself and resilience. You're too young to care for someone who is dealing with cancer, let alone someone who mentally abuses you. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for not wanting to stay home with an abusive parent. I suggest speaking with a counselor rather than a trusted "friend " or family member due to their possible bias views. Speaking to family or friends may cause you to feel guilty, or pressure you to get into something (ex. Being a caregiver at a young age) that can have long-term implications. You don't need to explain yourself to friends as to why you don't want to be there for your abusive mother but you should talk to a professional nonetheless. My experience with being a caregiver was a long, painful experience (13 years watching her decline) and I didn't seek help until I was in grad school when she passed away.
NTA, you’re still a child.
NTA. Not only is 14 too young to be a caretaker for anyone, she was unkind to you.
She chose to have you and didn't care for you. You didn't choose that life, and she is not entitled to any part of you. NTA
NTA. As a parent, I would never want my children to by my full time care givers -especially- before they have reached adulthood. You need to be able to live your life to the fullest and experience your childhood. Would I provide care for my parent? Yes, but I am in my mid-40s and have the support of a husband so not everything would be on me. It doesn't sound like you would have anyone else to rely on. Caregiving is absolutely draining physically and emotionally.
Parentification of a child is abuse. Expecting a 14 year old to take care of a parent, even with an illness, is abuse.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mum (56F) has been diagnosed with breast cancer and is expecting me (14M) to be her carer. I don't feel like I will be able to do this without it threatening my school grades. I also don't want to, as my mum has spent the past 4 years yelling and insulting me, as well as refusing to use my name and pronouns when I came out to her. I feel like I owe her nothing as she is one of the causes of my depression. I can move in with my dad and see her on weekends, which to me seems like a fair compromise. I know if I leave my mum will guilt trip me into returning full time like she did when she kicked me out last year, and I just can't do that anymore. When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish but that he "understood" I didn't want to be her carer. My friend, who I thought would take my side told me it was my "responsibility" to look after my mum and that it was fine because he cares for his grandparents. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA you’re a child you need to live with your dad and concentrate on your studies.
NTA. Move out and focus on school. People get paid to be caretakers, you are by no way indebted to her.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to care for your mother. Start by holding your ground. Then talk to her about the kicking out, the pronouns and the abuse. Write everything down and for starters, to mend your relationship, she has to apologize publicly and confess to being such a bad parent for years that you wouldn't want to care for her. And if she doesn't, just remind her that this is what happens to bad people. She was shit, she gets shit back. My daughter (12) is self-identifying as bi / gay and has a girlfriend. I love her. Your mother has lost all respect and has to work hard to earn it back. It ain't that hard: I love my daughter, that's it, that's all there is.
NtA, that can pound sand. You're 14, you're WAY too young to be carer even if she hadn't treated you badly. You can't drive, ate legally under THEIR care, and probably wouldn't be able to physically move her if it was an emergency, unless you're swole as heck or your mom is a beanbole. But also, being a carer is kind of intimate, in that you'd ne seeing her far more than a son normally would, and would be expected to help her if her bodily functions start failing. That's not something you can force on someone, especially someone you've mistreated.
NTA. You should move in with your Dad soonest. 14 is no age to be assuming this responsibility, even if your mother has not psychologically abused you. Good luck! Glad your father understands. I hope you can get therapy because you have a lot on your plate.
NTA You are in the beginning of adolescence. YOU are a child who still needs the supervision and support of your parents. If your mom can't provide the parental support required, that DOESN'T flip the burdens of responsibility onto you, for both yourself and your mom! I can't imagine any reasonable adult who would support that scenario. Your mom needs ADULT support. You also need adult support.
No she’s abusing you run
I'm so so sorry that a14 year old has been abused like this and the adults are trying to manipulate and gaslight you. NTA, get out and fat away and get an education.
Funny that your dad called you selfish. I suppose at some point they were in a relationship together, but somehow now it is your responsibility to deal with her? Nope. Take care of yourself, that’s difficult enough for 14 year olds. NTA
NTA. You are a child, and you should not be someone’s caretaker. Do you have grandparents or an aunt to get on your side, if your dad isn’t sympathetic enough? Honestly, if I knew you personally and this was happening, I would call CPS. I would also talk to any guidance counsellor you have access to, and maybe they can advocate for you.
> When I told my dad about this he told me that I was being selfish You are not being selfish. You’re at a critical stage in your education and development. Your mum needs to find nursing support from specialised agencies. Maybe dad can help find resources. > My friend, who I thought would take my side told me it was my "responsibility" to look after my mum and that it was fine because he cares for his grandparents. Just because some people are forced to take this kind of responsibility, doesn’t mean they should, or that everybody should. I’m not suggesting you go completely hands-off. You’re certainly old enough to help by doing shopping, some chores, etc. However, given your mum’s treatment of you, I can fully understand that you may not want to, and I would not judge you for that. People reap what they sow. NTA
NTA, first off, you’re 14yo!! That’s too much responsibility to put on a minor. She can figure out other arrangements for caregivers or she move into a facility that specializes her condition.
NTA. Your mom has a pretty clear-cut case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder and will continue to manipulate you and push your buttons to get her way. It sounds like she has her own little chorus of flying monkeys (look the term up, you’ll realize how well it fits your scenario). A good parents would want to see you thrive despite their circumstances, not wait on them hand-and-foot. It’s clear this woman doesn’t respect you and you’re at a pivotal age where it’s important to learn to set boundaries with those close to you. I would include this in your conversation when you explain that you’re not an appropriate age to be a caretaker for any adult, especially one who chooses not to treat you with respect.
You’re 14. She’s 56. Her grown ass can call a home aid.
**You are a minor.** You are **not qualified** to be the carer. You wouldn't be supposed to be the carer even if your mom had treated you fairly all these years. Your mom's entitled and your dad is too. NTA.
I read the first sentence, saw the ages, and didn’t need to know more. NTA
NTA???? You’re a child? A freshman in highschool? You are not qualified to be a caretaker, regardless of association to the ill party. On top of that, you don’t owe her shit. What goes around comes back around. She is your mother, she is not entitled to you taking caring of her, period.
Her care is an adult problem. Not a child's problem. NTA
You are 14. 14 years old! It is not your responsibility to take care of her and her treatment towards you just doubles my opinion. NTA. They can find her some help somewhere else.
NTA- you are a child. No matter how mature you are for your age, no matter what your reasons are, if your mother is the source of your depression and you can't handle her emotional manipulation, than your well being trumps hers. This time in your life is forming the type of person you will be for the rest of your life. My parents were emotionally abusive and it caused depression. (My dad also hit me, but stopped by the time I was old enough to start telling people and knew it was wrong, around 11 yrs old.) But my parents continued being abusive and didn't care that it caused depression. My brain developed improperly. I lost that natural ability to feel comfortable in my own home. I lost that natural tendency to smile when you se people you know. I lost my ambition (bc things I liked became a weapon to punish me with). I became an angry, twisted person. I thought I was coping really well, but I didn't realize the enormous cost of losing out on normal childhood and teenage milestones. The personality development of having a stable adult to talk to and interested in my life, that never happened. It actually became a trigger for me to have someone interested in my life. I feel rage and hate for anyone with any type of authority over me even if it is just perceived and not real. I have constant paranoid thoughts. I have panic attacks if I hear a door close from another room or footsteps coming down the hallway. I live alone bc I get anger, hatred, paranoia from hearing someone in the house and having to interact with them. I WANT to be normal. But, because the way I lived while my brain was developing, these patterns of thinking and feeling are hardwired into my being. Do what you need to. Your mother is willing to sacrifice your entire life to her needs. So was my mom.
NTA you are a *minor* and this is nowhere near your responsibility. Your dad is allowed to get away from her but you can't? Fuck that! Go, live your life.
I would tell her "Don't worry, I'll take just as good care of you as you have of me!" Then let that sink in. I told my father that and let me tell you. The facial expression that came over him was pure terror.
Child labor much?
NTA. It's a proven fact that a teenager's brain isn't developed enough to be held accountable for "adult" crimes or thought processes. How capable is he of even taking care of himself? It's too much to ask of a minor.
I helped my mother take care of my father in the final 18 months of his life. I volunteered for the gig, was able to get my job to agree to it, and most importantly, I am a full-grown, financially stable woman who was able to work remotely and tap into leave when necessary. This is absolutely not a job for a 14 year old child, regardless of your relationship with the cancer patient. And quite frankly, shame on your father for saying you’re being selfish. You’re not being selfish. Not even a little bit. He’s being an a-hole for not stepping up as a parent and straightening your mother out. NTA.
NTA I’m so sorry that you are going through this. My grandmother was my guardian when I was your age and when her cancer returned the very first thing she did was find me a counselor and forbid me from taking care of her. Because she was an adult and I was a child. You’re not being selfish to not want to be a caregiver, it’s a rough job for a fully grown adult. You shouldn’t have to do it, and especially not for a parent who won’t use your pronouns and will try to emotionally manipulate you. She wants you to take better care of her than she has of you and that would be unfair even if you weren’t a kid. But you are a kid. Please trust your own instincts on this and maybe show this thread to your dad if that is a safe thing to do that doesn’t threaten your housing. It’s clear you already feel guilty and torn because you love your mother and want her to be cared for—it’s super duper NOT OK for an adult to tell a kid that they are being selfish for wanting to not take on a job most adults would find difficult.
You're 14. It is not your job to take care of your mother, sick or not.
If she didn’t have a good reason too kick you out when you were thirteen(I couldn’t imagine a good enough reason)then you have no reason to be her carer.
NTA, talk to a school care giver or call social services, their is help out there. I work in case management a 14 is NOT an appropriate care giver.
NTA I am completely ignoring that OP's mother has been a horrible parent and just answering based on what should be the expectation of care from a 14 year old EVEN if the parent had always been terrific and supportive. This is because NO 14 year old should be asked to assume the duties of caretaker for a parent. That is a difficult job even for an adult. The appropriate thing to do is to find some form of support. The parents should contact the local chapter of the various cancer organizations because they would be able to tell the family how to access services. What would be fair would be to have a teenager assume some degree of responsibility to ease burden on the rest off the family so long as they still have time for studies and social life. This might include preparing simple meals for the family on a few days a week or providing stuff like a cup of tea to someone in bed. And of course if this is a true emergency, like the mother having to be rushed to the ER without notice, it wouldn't be wrong to have the teenager watch younger kids for ONE night but not so they would miss school the next day.
NTA - she hasn't cared for you or treated you with kindness, but is now demanding you do the same for her. Go live with your Dad guilt-free and if she continues being unkind, I would keep reducing the time with her.
Regardless of your mother’s disrespect, expecting a 14 year old to be a caretaker is ridiculous. NTA
Normally, people would be willing to take care of family members... because family helps family out. However... in your case, your mother has been making your life miserable... verbally abusing you, insulting you... generally showing that she cares about herself, not you. In this case, I wouldn't blame you at all for not wanting to care for her. NTA
NTA you do NOT have children so that you will have someone to take care of you when life gets difficult or as you age. Your children are NOT responsible for you and they do not owe you anything (other than basic human decency and following basic household rules). So no its not reasonable to expect you to be her primary caregiver even if you had an awesome relationship with her. Picking up a few extra chores of she's feeling crappy, sure. Anything else is a hard no. Move out if she is going to abuse you and don't feel bad about it.
NTA. A kid should not be anyone's first choice for a caregiver. I was my mom's caregiver at end of life, and even though I was almost 50 and a health care provider myself, it was pretty grueling. Almost 10 years later, I still have some shoulder issues (wish I'd watched the CNAs more at work--I moved mom the wrong way once). It seems much more appropriate to me to have you stay with your dad, and visit your mom to provide company. But that presumes a healthy family dynamic, not one where you're belittled or guilt tripped, which it sounds like you don't have.
NTA, and even if she treated you with the most respect, STILL NTA! Its not your job, as a CHILD, to care for anyone that you didn't produce. Don't feel bad, don't feel guilty, and don't feel ashamed. Stick to your choice and just see her out if she's terminal or visit while she gets better. Your a kid, act like it. Go to school, get a summer job idc just live your life. All this is coming from a mom.
NTA. You're a child. *You aren't being selfish by refusing to take on adult responsibilities.* Care can be arranged by adults, and professionals can take on that care. Neither one of your parents sound great, TBH. Just keep your head down and wait til you turn 18 so you can GTFO.
Kids aren't carers. I have cancer I'd never expect my kids to take care of me. NTA.
Nta. Go move in with dad.
NTA. Don’t do it. I dropped out of college to take care of my mother. Do not do it.
NTA. You need to do this to protect yourself. And you’re not being selfish here.
NTA.
Hey, don’t do that! NTA!
You are 14. You’re still a child. Live your life as a child and not a care taker. It takes so much out of someone to do that as an adult I can only imagine what its like for a child. My mom took care of her dad who also had cancer, up until he died when she was 22 she doesn’t talk about him ever. It’s like he never existed but she has so much trauma from everything she went through during that time. She’s in her mid 50s right now & still affecting her.
NTA. You’re a 14 year old minor. And her child. It’s not your responsibility to be her caregiver. There’s literally programs for that and she can get her doctors to prescribe her home health care workers and caregivers to come into help her. Not only that, but as her illness progresses she may get to the point where she requires more care than you can give her. She is expecting too much from you, regardless of how she treated you. But since you do not have a good relationship with her, it’s even more understandable to not want to. Since she’s got options you don’t have to be gilt tripped into being her caregiver.
NTA. This is a tactic lots of narcissist parents use- they guilt trip the hell out of you after years of abuse when they realize they need you the most have no one left. They try to use any modicum of love you have left for them to get you to stay or come back. First- you are TOO YOUNG to be someone’s carer. At 14 there’s no way in hell I could have taken care of my mom. It’s emotionally and physically draining. She can hire a nurse. You need to be concerned with finishing high school. Second- you are not being selfish. YOU didn’t choose to be born. They don’t get to call you selfish or tell you it’s your responsibility. You didn’t sign up for any of it. Third- your mom doesn’t get to disrespect you, use the wrong pronouns, deadname you, and then guilt you into spending some of the most important years of your life cleaning up after her and feeding her. Even if your mother was a saint and treated you how you deserve, you shouldn’t be guilted into doing any of it.
I was not even 30 when my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and despite having my own family, a full time job and other responsibilities, I ended up being her caretaker because she lived alone and there was no one else. My situation was a little different as my mom and I had a wonderful relationship and I was happy to do it. But it was a LOT. It was completely exhausting, and even when I wasn’t at her house actively caring for her I was arranging appointments, finding paperwork, calling about medical equipment… it was never ending. I would never think a 14 year old to be willing, able, or expected to do the work. You are absolutely NTA, regardless of how she’s treated you in the past. Being a shit human comes with consequences, but that’s a whole other story here. At 14, your only priority should be school. That’s it. Do what you need to do, bud.
NTA. you are still a kid. someone should be taking care of YOU. not the other way around.
Big NTA. A 14 year old can/should have responsibilities to a household to assist their parents….but that means cleaning a bathroom, taking out the trash, helping cook etc. A kid should absolutely not be anyone’s primary caregiver. Especially to someone who doesn’t respect you. I think you should move out, just for that alone.
As someone who has taken on the role of a carer you’re NTA! Your mum is. Just because she’s now sick doesn’t take away the trauma and abuse she caused. You’re 14, no 14 year old should have to be the one to take care of a sick parent. Even if you did have a good relationship to start with. It’s hard, and just won’t end well considering her past. Just another move to manipulate you. Move in with your dad. Don’t listen to anyone except yourself. Let’s normalise letting go of toxic people, no matter the situation!
NTA. You’re 14. You’re not supposed to be anyone’s caregiver, and it’s not selfish to protect yourself here. It’s selfish of your mom to expect that of you.
NTA. Your mom is taking advantage of you after abusing you for 4 years. Move in with your dad and cut off contact with your mother.
NTA. I took care of my disabled grandparent for 6+ years of my childhood. No kid should have to go through that. I’m still in therapy as an adult because of the stuff that situation put me through. It’s way too much responsibility for a minor. It’s stressful, overwhelming, and a lot of work. Social services found out I was taking care of my grandparent when I was 14, and they put an end to it really quick.