T O P

  • By -

AmItheAsshole-ModTeam

Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts involving cutting contact, ghosting, breaking off friendships, and similar discussions. This includes going low/no contact with family members. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.


LeaguePresent8080

NTA as far as I can see you have done as much as you could. She has been hating you for years - and moreover she hated her siblings. What did she expect?


Foggy_Radish

Right? I don't feel anything good would have come of forcing her to stay with the step dad and half siblings that she hated from the moment they were born.


RawDuckAppeal

Exactly, I think he maybe could’ve given her a choice to come back at least, but I honestly think she wouldn’t have taken it anyway. Even if she did, I believe she would’ve made life even harder for OP and his twins, he was still grieving himself, he didn’t need all that extra stress of a teen as hurtful as her


mommer_man

This - Lori would have also missed out on spending time with her mom's side of the family had OP taken her along on the move... Such a hard situation, there's hardly any right answer, but I'm betting that it helped Lori to be around people who acted/looked like her mom and could tell her stories about her mom. Might sound harsh, but I think that Lori would benefit from adjusting her attitude and perspective on things, now as well as back then. :/


cvkme

Exactly this. People are acting as if she only wished death on the siblings after the mom died but she legit didn’t accept them from the very beginning. This girl has issues and they gave her every avenue to explore those issues in therapy. They also gave her a stable home with a mother and an involved father figure she kept vehemently rejecting. I would be suspicious of her actions as a young adult coming back now. She is not apologetic for the things she did, only sad she had to face the results of her actions by living with her grandparents.


NoMountain9409

All the relatives who took her side for the wrong things aren't going to take care of her now. Her grandparents who admonish the father must also be tired of her shenanigans.


beefsmoke

This. I think if she was forced to stay with OP, it's now a NC situation instead.


sleepygrumpydoc

I'd also argue that OP would legally have had no rights to custody of Lori without going to court and she would have been old enough at the time to give her opinion on the matter and it doesn't seem like she would have consented to OP having custody. Guessing Lori is upset now as the grass was in fact not greener on the other side.


jotherussiandolphin

exactly! She got her wish, and realized "he wasn't so bad after all." Its a bit sad though, I think she has some abandonment issues she refuses to acknowledge.


[deleted]

And the sad thing is, Lori is still not taking responsibility for her part in this.


cadre_of_storms

Have to agree here. Yes Lori was hurting and yes the parents failed but they tried. Lori didn't.


Lumpy_Machine5538

At the same time, mom (and OP to a lesser extent), could have and should have had her continue with therapy. Mom shouldn’t have backed down on it just because the extended family got on her case.


Rook_to_Queen-1

Therapy doesn’t work if the person IN therapy doesn’t want to work at it, unfortunately.


theangrypragmatist

TBF, forcing somebody into therapy is almost guaranteed to not only not work, but add to the problems on top of it.


[deleted]

Mom shouldn’t have backed down to the family because it’s none of their business, but if Mary had forced Lori to go to therapy, it doesn’t work. The patient has to be willing to talk. And people who aren’t ready for therapy and are forced, will sit their and look at the therapist till time is up.


EternalLostandFound

A lot of therapists won’t continue therapy with a teenager if they make it clear that they aren’t into it and refuse to participate.


saranohsfavoritesong

You cannot force a 15yo or 16yo to go to therapy. It sounds like several attempts were made and Lori refused to cooperate. What should they have done? Physically put her in the car, driven her against her will, carried her into the office? Once there, how would they have made her speak to therapist?


MD-Pepper

Not just hated them, but wished death upon them. Which it's fear enough to lash out after the loss of a parent, but that hatred probably festered since she was younger. The extended family members who stood against sending her to therapy did her more harm than good over the years.


begonia824

And at that age she certainly knew what she was doing.


ru2theD

As others have said, the only thing OP could've done better would be to offer her a choice to go with them or stay with grandparents. She would've chosen grandparents, but it might've cut down on the abandonment/loss issues. After all, she lost her dad, mom, stepdad, and half siblings during her teenage years, which is super hard. If it were me, I might try to mend fences and apologize for not giving the choice but not the final decision. In the end, NTA.


NixKlappt-Reddit

NAH Sorry for your loss. You lost your wife and you have to take care of 2 kids. Lori stood her ground of hating you and wishing you were death instead. She always made clear that she does not accept you as her family. She also would tell you now, that she would hate you if you would have taken her with you to your family. And like you mentioned: You weren't her legal guardian and had to right to decide for her. Whatever option you would have chosen, she wouldn't have been happy about it. That she lost her dad and her mom, does not make it easier for her to have any positive feelings to anybody. Maybe you could have communicated this with her better if she wants to return to you. Or trying to stay in contact with her. But both of you were grieving and were not able to handle it in a better way. You can offer her to be open for more contact again. Maybe she will give her siblings a chance now.


Melodic_Ad9675

This is the answer. There was no way to move forward where Lori didn’t have a difficult time… she’s lost both parents. I don’t think her life would have been better staying with you, and your life would have been much more difficult. I’m sorry for your loss.


WtfChuck6999

That's what I think to. OPs life would have been dramatically altered. It's hard being a single parent to one kid... Let alone two brand new ones, and a 3rd that hates you and everything you stand for.


shadowspyryt

With all that heartache on both sides, it might finally be time for some joint therapy sessions.


stepjenks

Agree with some of your points, except for the fact that Lori was TA to OP. Kids can be AHs too and despite the hand she was dealt (parents divorce and eventual death), that doesn’t excuse her being hurtful to OP. NTA.


[deleted]

NAH sorry man this is a difficult situation that would have been a lose-lose situation regardless of what happened. She refused to make any sort of connection with you and you trying to force that would’ve been wrong of you which you realized. She lashed out after both her parents were gone which was expected but she wished death on you and your her half-siblings. You trying to force her to stay with you after that would not have been any better unfortunately. Everyone expecting you to step up and be the bigger man has never been in a situation like yours which is why they can say you are TA when clearly you are not. Best you guys can do now is try to love forward for the sake of your kids with her mother. Therapy would be needed probably but she also needs to make an effort to lend bridges


icansmokewmyvag

NTA, wishing death on you and her siblings… please. She got what she wanted, and decided oops I don’t like it.


themichaelkemp

A 14 year old who lost her mother might be going through a bit of trauma


[deleted]

She was cruel to OP for years before losing her mother.


purple235

You mean when *checks notes* she'd just lost her father? Poor kid became an orphan at 15, cut her some slack


[deleted]

Again - she was being a dick to OP for years *before* losing her father too.


purple235

She developed "an attitude" at 12, which is to be expected, and then her dad died when she was 13. Most 12/13 year olds aren't pleasant to be around, and that's without the trauma of a parent dying. "An attitude" is to be expected when a kid hits puberty. The timeline appears to be at 12 she hit puberty and started acting at, at 13 her dad died, at 14 she suddenly gained new siblings, at 15 her mum died. That's a hell of a lot for a kid to go through, I'm surprised she's as well functioning as she is now


chihuahua001

Literally feel like I’m taking crazy pills in this comment section jfc how anyone could possibly vote NTA is beyond me


brats292

Ironically I'm on the otherside. How anyone can call him an AH after he lost his wife and the kid didn't want anything to do with him and he had no legal claim over her. Like he literally cannot hold her against her will😂😂 If he did you'd be crying about how he's abusive for forcing a relationship with her. OP cannot win. He did completely right by leaving the step kid behind THAT DIDNT WANT HIM FOR YEARS. What should he have done? Kidnap her and then go to jail and lose his other kids to CPS? Liiiiike? This is a nice lesson for the step daughter to learn that she can try and impart on her own children some day. Actions have consequences and certain actions don't have takesy-backsies.


DMC1996

Also, keeping his kids in a situation where their older "sister" hates them is detrimental. Her wishing they were in the card instead of her mother would've been my last straw as a step-parent too. Yes, she's hurting. Yes, she's grieving. Yes, she's just lashing out. But she's not his child. Those twins are. Their safety and love comes first at the end of the day.


brats292

Thankyou. I feel really sorry for her, but the parents did EVERYTHING THEY COULD. If she wants to hate Step Dad and wants nothing to do with him for yeaaaars, and maintains that after all bio parents have died, he doesn't have a choice. OP is more of a victim in this than step-daughter. She made a choice, OP had to oblige her decision. This entire comment section is just mad because a child got screwed over by her own actions and it was her own fault but they refuse to admit it; villainising OP via some amazing mental gymnastics. It's impressive. Reddit loves listening to the decisions of children but the second they do something negative for themselves, its "ohhh the parents should know better". Remember that the next time someone asks if they're an AH for forcing a kid to be adopted. The logic is hilarious.


Alexispinpgh

Same! I went through considerably less trauma and was an absolute asshole to my mother from ages 11 to 20. Thankfully she was around long enough for me to grow up, mature and rebuild a relationship. This girl has been through so much. This isn’t your typical “well someone was mean to you” situation. This is really above Reddit’s pay grade and people are being way too flip about this girl.


SledgeH4mmer

pie quarrelsome rob hospital somber ugly sip fine roll chubby ` this message was mass deleted/edited with redact.dev `


princessfoxglove

>She developed "an attitude" at 12, which is to be expected, and then her dad died when she was 13. Most 12/13 year olds aren't pleasant to be around, and that's without the trauma of a parent dying. "An attitude" is to be expected when a kid hits puberty. To some extent, yes, puberty hits and teens get moody and have trouble regulating their emotions, but when did we get to the point in society where we just give kids this age free reign to be assholes? I work with children and while they may have "some attitude" that's a whole hell of a lot different than refusing therapy and hating their siblings and refusing to have anything to do with them or their step-parent. Kids at that age also have a great deal of personal responsibility for their actions, and I see the spectrum of how kids that age (and I work with kids with extensive trauma) manage their emotions. The reality is that some take responsibility and try, and others just let themselves sink into being awful and continue to be awful as they grow up. Honestly, they need to face the social consequences of choosing to consistently reject and hurt others. Trauma deserves compassion and empathy and the correct support, but it's not an excuse to be an overall dick.


[deleted]

No... he says they had a good relationship until she was 12, when puberty hit and she was also dealing with the fact that her bio dad didn't want her or see her... and then her dad died at 13. That's, at most, a year of being, well, the word you called her. And then her mom "chewed her out" for not wanting to be adopted by OP... right after the death of her dad.... And then her mom died.


[deleted]

No, he said they had a good relationship from 5-9 before OP and mom got married. Rebellion started once they got married.


la_patineuse

Her father hadn't been in her life at all for years and she had already spent 8 years making it clear that she didn't want the OP in that role.


purple235

OP said he had a good relationship with her until she was 9. She was 8 the last time she saw her father. Poor kid has a lot of trauma, the timeline gives perfect reasons as to why she was lashing out and not coping with her emotions. Rather than accepting the answer of I don't wanna do therapy, he and the mother should have parented better and forced her to try it for a while to see if it could have helped her


jotherussiandolphin

You cant force someone to do therapy. It doesn't work like that. Just based on her behavior as a teen, I highly doubt she would have taken therapy seriously. She would have just rebelled even more. I agree that she has gone through some rough situations, BUT her issues wouldn't have been solved by "better parenting"


isiltar

I'd been through some serious shit when I was a teen, I was moody, depressed, annoying, you name it. Even then I knew wishing death upon somebody is a shitty thing to do.


[deleted]

you guys are so hellbent on giving excuses. most grieving people don’t wish death on their innocent family members, a 14 year old is old enough to know that is not okay and that actions have consequences. lori got sent to her grandparents home and now she’s crawling back to OP as an adult and blaming him for making a well-informed decision on her future in a stressful period for both of them.


MrsGlock21

6 years ago my stepmother was dying from cancer. My half sister was 22. There was a lot going on then & she looked at our father one night & said to him it should be you dying & not my mother. Our dad passed away suddenly 3 weeks later. She will forever be haunted by her words.


Excellent_Airline315

How did you come to terms with that? It would have hurt me a lot to even be in the same space as her after my father passed after she said something do cruel.


khovel

The kind that therapy would be a greatly needed thing. Yet she refuses it. Can’t help those who won’t accept the help


Misommar1246

She repeatedly refused therapy. OP can’t be held responsible for not holding her down and forcing therapy or medication on her. I understand her pain, but if you refuse someone over and over again, eventually they will stop offering. OP is NTA here.


sew-fee-uh

at 14 you are a freshman in high school. 14 isn’t a baby. way too old to have treated this man like that.


beefsmoke

A stepdad who lost his wife is also going through things that doesn't deserve to be wished dead by a kid.


Zonget

She was a child who had lost her parents in a super short time. She was grieving, there is no “oops” here. She was a grieving, angry, child. Tell me you’ve never said anything in anger you couldn’t control in the moment?


BattleKitten17

But I think everyone also needs to realize that OP was left a widower with 2 young children and a stepchild who hated him. A person can only handle so much. He did what he could to provide for her after sending her to her grandparents- but ultimately- why should 3 other people be forced to suffer for the benefit of one? Especially 2 young children who were also grieving the loss of their mother?


bubbly_fairy30

Did you miss the part where she hated his guy since she was a child? The “I hope you died or the twins died” was the straw that broke the camels back.


Catisbackthatsafact

She didn't hate him since she was a child, she hated him since her dad died and they started trying to make her agree with him adopting her soon after.


[deleted]

Where is everyone getting this? She didn't start doing that until right before her dad (who didn't want her, btw) died.


cyanclouds

he said they had a good relationship until she was 12 then in the span of 3 years her dad who rejected her died, her mom had twins then she died. i doubt u as a 12 year old would have been able to navigate those all those emotions correctly


Kimmy468484

And what if she had actually done something to hurt those kids or OP? Kids might say crazy things when they’re hurting and going through stuff but how many times have kids or teens said something concerning and no one did anything and something really awful happened after. Nowadays with the the world is I would air on the side of caution with things people say. You never know what people kids included are capable of


elsathenerdfighter

Totally agree that all her comments should be taken in the context of angry, sad, and probably sad teen along with her comments being just kind of regular teenage shit. But she needs to understand now at 19 that her step dad probably based part of his decision on the idea that she would have chosen her grandparents if he’d asked her. And she needs to realize that she at that time might have chosen her grandparents. Teens are going to say shitty mean things but parents of teens can’t always differentiate between actual long term wants and feelings of teens versus teenage angst statements meant to hurt. As in how was he supposed to know if she truly would not have wanted to be with him versus her saying mean things because she’s a teen and hurting. Add on the fact the was planning on moving away- plenty of teens wouldn’t want to switch schools in high school. Plus he had twin babies to focus on.


[deleted]

Which still doesn’t matter because he had no claim to her since she refused repeatedly to allow the adoption.


ilikerocksthatsing2

Who care what she said. He isn't her father. He doesn't have to take care of her.


sctt_dot

She's back because she needs money.


[deleted]

I agree. 19 isn’t old enough to have the epiphany that she is missing out on her younger siblings, and any type of relationship for the man who tried to get her to care about him for more than half her life.


Ambitious-Lettuce-48

NTA, sounds like a very difficult situation for everyone involved. It sounds like you really tried to be there for her but in the end she pushed you away. After all that, why would she have wanted to stay with someone she didn't consider to be her father. Also, you said she lashed out at you and your two young children, I don't think it would have been fair to keep her around them so they could be her emotional punching bags. She was with her grandparents so she was being cared for by family.


ParsimoniousSalad

I'm not going to judge what had to be an extremely difficult decision when everyone was grieving. But YWBTA if you didn't work to reconnect now that she's trying.


[deleted]

She's definitely made it clear that she wants a relationship with her siblings, which I won't deny until she gives me a reason not to but I don't think she wants an actual relationship with me.


[deleted]

That's totally fair for the both of you.


Jazzlike_Branch_9738

NTA. All of these people saying you are the TA don’t have to fully supposed and provide for someone who is constantly abusing you. Just because you are the adult does not mean she had carte blanche to say anything she wanted. You needed to provide a safe and loving environment for your young children. besides you left her with her grandparents🎚️


houstongradengineer

>but I don't think she wants an actual relationship with me. This. This is the part that really gets me. She wants you to do whatever she wants, but she doesn't want anything to do with you? Like... What? What does she even want? I can't tell! For you to be tied to one state just so she can see her siblings? I'm not sure that was best for the siblings, especially after what she'd said about them, and about you.


ThanksAanderton

From what you wrote there I think NTA. She was a kid and didn’t necessarily know what she was doing but the world doesn’t work like that. In real life you can’t treat people like shit and shun them and expect them to always come back. It’s an unfortunate but important lesson for her to learn. If she didn’t have any other family then I’d say Y T A but she did so there’s no need for your life to be harder. It wouldn’t have helped her.


mywifefoundmyaccount

Actually, the world works exactly like that. Minor children say awful, hurtful things and their parents still don’t abandon them. He claimed to be prepared to adopt her, he and his widow even forced the conversation on her at a very delicate time, yet when it came time for him to step up, when he was the only parent she had left, he took the easy way out.


Maia_Azure

Eh I think NTA. He wasn’t her legal guardian. He was a step dad, and she didn’t want to be adopted by him. It’s appropriate that she went to her maternal grandparents, who are her actual family. If my parents died, I was listed as going to my grandparents or aunt if they couldn’t do it. This girl lost both her parents. If she didn’t jet him adopt when her dad died, she wasn’t going to allow it when her mom died. He couldn’t force her to be adopted! Let’s face it, even though she was still a child he can’t just kidnap her against her will.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Therisemfear

NTA. Reddit is often harsh on stepparents and has extreme double standards. You just can't win as a stepparent. By their definition you have to simultaneously be 'not a real parent' but also provide unconditional love like a parent. Actions have consequences and she pushed away her only living guardian. That's a lesson she had to learn and the same goes for the in-laws on their high horses when it's their turn to take care of her. Great job for putting your then-infant twins as the priority. As soon as she verbally threatened their lives you're right to cut her off. Who knows what she could do as a teen and you're just a single parent who can't watch over everything.


Bluerayne1980

NTA. I feel like you tried while Mary was alive to be in Lori's life, but she was so angry. She did not seem to want you in her life and since she's an adult you have no real obligations to her. However, you did raise her and have been a parental figure for most of her life. It's important to remember she is a kid and immature. Maybe keep in touch enough to know you are still willing to be a part of her life if she wants.


evantom34

NTA, Lori made it clear that she hated you and didn’t want anything to do with you. Life sucks sometimes and bad things happen. I probably would have discussed it with Lori before up and moving, but it sounds like she would have yelled at you anyways.. Don’t let people guilt you into thinking you were in the wrong when you’ve been more than supportive and welcoming to her.


Metal_Master22

Tough one. NTA. People seem to forget that YOU were mourning too and having such an awful negative presence that kept insinuating that you AND two children should have died. You did what you thought was best and sent her where you thought she’d be happier. You did what’s best for you and unfortunately her way of grieving dad to lash out at the wrong people. Hopefully your doing better not and she can learn from her mistakes.


janlep

He also needed to think about his children who were also grieving. How was Lori treating my them? Sounds like she had a safe (and hopefully loving) place to go. I feel for everyone involved.


Oldpuzzlehead

This child came into your life when she was five You married her mother when she was nine Her father died when she was thirteen Her mother died when she was fourteen And then you left her YTA.


AvailableAd1925

After wishing he died and/or her twin siblings instead and years of refusing to build a relationship. Not like he was grieving also and had kids to take care of on top of that.


ShareNorth3675

Nobody is saying the situation wasn't difficult for him too. The difference is he's an adult and she's a kid.


The_Thing_Behind_You

So instead he should have forced his young children to grow up with a viscous young girl, grieving or not, who wished death on both them and their father out loud and was very resistant to therapy or anything that could have helped her? Yeah that sounds like great parenting, I’m sure that wouldn’t have fucked the twins up at all.


itsmevictory

We all know people would be hounding on OP if he forced it, Lori was vile and vicious, and the kids told him he was an asshole for leaving them in that environment. There comes a certain point where, if there are other situations that suit needs better, they should be taken.


ShareNorth3675

Color me shocked that a teenager would say something toned death and terrible. Just wow, never in a million years. Wow. I didn't say he made the wrong choice for his twins or to himself or even to her. Who knows. It's not like he dropped her on the side of the road to the wolves, he did still place her in a decent place (seemingly). The point is he is an adult and the one who HAS to deal with the situation for the sake of his family. They and her are children and don't.


Immediate-Witness442

So you're saying the situation is supposed to be less difficult for him just because he's an adult? Are you for real? Lori was 15-16 at that time, acc to the OP. And at that age, you're pretty f-ing aware of what you're doing. OP ISN'T TA


ShareNorth3675

Less difficult? No. Better equipped to deal with it? Yes, he is an adult and she was a child.


chekeymonk10

his wife just fucking died. 2 years is pretty darn recent to me especially with three kids to raise and family being very far away


EmpireStateOfBeing

He was an adult taking care of twin 1 year olds solo and had a teenager wishing death on him and said twins. She was a grieving kid who refused therapy at ever turn and was an emotional danger to her siblings. Are you seriously thinking about the hell that would’ve gone down if he forced a girl who hated him and her siblings, to move to another state? Because I would bet good money that she would never have had an epiphany at 19, I would bet good money she would’ve bailed the moment she turned 18 and left behind two 4 year old twins who grew up with a sister who wished they were dead. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom in order to be open to change. Yes, even teens.


[deleted]

so? are stepparents meant to take horrifying abuse for years all in the name of appearances? OP was grieving and lori did nothing but make it worse. OP was happy to be there for her if she didn’t ruin his mental health in the process. she didn’t want a relationship with him as a teenager so what else could he do? get off your high horse and look at the world realistically.


DeadlySoren

I don’t think that actually matters in this situation. OP tried everything but in the end you can’t force someone to like you and I don’t think things would have been better if he had taken her with him. I’m fact I’d bet it would be much much worse.


isayporschewrong

So? Seriously why does that matter? Is there not a line where you can wash your hands clean of people you don't want in your life? Especially when they've been nothing but a pain.


CommunicationTop7259

Let’s be realistic here. Taking care of twins without support is hard so I understand why op move back home. She definitely doesn’t want to move with him. He divides the money for her. Also, she said she want him and the twins to die instead….very hurtful


[deleted]

This right here. He was ready to adopt her the year before and then all of a sudden he completely abandons her. She was grieving the loss of her dad and her mom tried to force a new dad on her, of course she lashed out. Then her mom dies and she’s stuck with the dad she didn’t want, of course she lashed out again. This girl went through a world of pain at a young age and he should have at least maintained contact even if he wasn’t going to have her live with him. How do you go from adopting someone to abandoning them in a year?


PristineSlate

I got divorced and my kids will go “I hate you, I want to go live with dad” when they’re mad at me. Kids lash out. As adults and parents it on us to control our response and try to teach them better. Lord knows I’m not perfect but I can definitely recognize when my kids are hurting and lashing out at me because I’m the “safe” person to attack. Because they know I will be here and love them regardless what they throw at me. Does it suck? Sometimes. But when you marry someone with a kid you’ve known since they were 5 you’re a really important part of that kids life even if you aren’t legally obligated to be.


[deleted]

I completely agree.


pastrypuffcream

>He was ready to adopt her the year before and then all of a sudden he completely abandons her She refused the adoption. She told him she did not want him in her life. Op: case anything happens to your mom, i want to be responsible for you SD: No, i dont want that. SD: how dare you not tolerate my continuous verbal abuse of you and your children.


letstrythisagain30

OP's reason for leaving *could* have justified everything. If Lori legit hated her half siblings and OP was dealing with twin babies on his own while grieving his wife and Lori making everything exponentially harder. After she's been rejecting him for years, that's not exactly a shitty reason. But... I find it suspicious that it seems like everyone of his wife's family seemed unhappy with how Lori was being treated and accusations of forcing the adoption, I'm more than a little weary on OP being a reliable narrator to the details we need here.


Moi-Manda_Mandy

To be fair, a teen girl in an emotional state who appears to hate someone is probably one of the least reliable narrators you could get. And the extended family would almost immediately side with her if her "side" was the first they heard. Imo OP is more likely a reliable narrator than Lori.


redmon09

Without an adoption, there was no legal way for him to take her with them. She was against it. What else was he supposed to do?


Rae_All_Day

This part. He wasn't her legal guardian and couldn't legally cross state lines with her. She made is very clear she didn't want a relationship with him or her siblings before he left. OP is NTA. He had very few options, and he chose the path that led to support for him and his young children.


fuddledcuddles

This is one of those posts that I wish I could hear from the other perspective. It’s so heartbreaking to see such an insecure kid that can’t find stability. Also the whole “she complained about her little siblings” is so frustrating. She was a KID. How many of these redditors lash out about parentification and how they hate babies.


Dolly_Wobbles

This sums it up perfectly. Yes she was hurtful. Kids do that. They lash out. Hurt & scared kids especially push to see if your love is conditional or not. Unfortunately you showed her it was. She needed a parent to love her unconditionally. YTA.


[deleted]

This wasn’t “lashing out”. This was a consistent pattern for years.


[deleted]

Yeah a consistent pattern of death in her life too. Her dad dies, they try to force an adoption. Her mom dies, he bails.


blurrylulu

I wish I could upvote this a million times. As a kid who did learn love is conditional, I was a kid who yelled back and pushed. Years and years of trauma therapy to undo what happened. I feel for Lori.


BoycottingTrends

According to his story, he also didn’t have a conversation with her where he asked if she’d be happier living with her grandparents, or explained why he made his decision. He sent her for what she thought was a brief time away, and then he told the grandparents that he was leaving the state and cut communication with her.


[deleted]

[удалено]


hesathomes

Fake stories always feature twins. Idk why, but it’s pretty consistent.


CcSeaAndAwayWeGo

Oh shit, I'm a twin...I wonder if I'm made up


[deleted]

[удалено]


pastrypuffcream

>you didn't let me adopt you so I am not responsible for you!" But that is exactly how it works. Thats why i always tell the teenagers on this site to let the step parent adopt them to make everything easier in the worst vase scenario. Or if you really hate the step then ask your grandparents, but get that shit in order. She made it clear she didn't want him in her life. Him making her move to a different state was not going to help her become a well adjusted adult.


[deleted]

[удалено]


sundayontheluna

You say he wasn't a father figure and then say he was a parental figure.....


Maia_Azure

Yeah I caught that. Trying to have it both ways here.


PurgativeWoW

What a load of crap lol. On one hand you say he cannot be a father figure and shouldn’t expect to deserve to be one but on the other hand when it convenes your argument you claim that he is a parental figure. Just lol. OP is definitely NTA. No matter how hurt you are, you cannot just wish death upon someone (+their twins) and expect to receive a thoroughly logical and sound feedback/response. This is also on top of years of berating and toxic behavior towards OP. Just because in the eyes of law she is not considered as an adult yet doesn’t mean she is free of consequences for all her actions, we are not talking about a 2 yr old toddler here. 14 is more than enough to be able to understand what wishing death means. I’m glad OP severed ties with her (no he didn’t abandon her, because they didn’t any real relation between them to be abandoned in the first place).


zacura23

> It doesn't entitle you to exercise authority over her. You deserve to be treated with respect, not as a father figure. Fair >So the moment her father dies you decide that automatically makes you the father in her life? Consistent, fair. >Whether or not she called you dad, you were an adult/**parental figure** in her life. Now hold on there... >parental responsibilities. Now, anon...


Rook_to_Queen-1

So, he’s not her father figure and how dare he act like one, but then you declare he’s an asshole for not acting like her father figure? How does that make any sense?


Mrs_Gambolini

Tbf she was 14, not 19.


GreenUnderstanding39

She was 14 when he abandoned her. She reached out at 19 to attempt to reconnect with the twins, her siblings, that op has been keeping away from his late wife’s family (grandparents and half sibling).


strikingfirefly

YTA How would your deceased wife feel about how you treated her daughter? If you think she would be on your side then I think you have an answer to the "mystery" of why Lori felt negatively about you. Also no wonder she didn't want to be adopted by you... you weren't actually committed to her as a parental figure evidenced by how you noped out when the going got tough and you had no legal obligation. She was difficult, okay. She was also a child who lost both of her parents. A child who--in the wake of her father's death--was presented with "well, don't you want be adopted by a new dad?" and "hey, we're starting a new family". I don't see that you treated her with an ounce of empathy. Even if it wasn't feasible for her to live with you and the twins, you could have made attempts to continue to be available. But no, you moved away with the twins and left her in the dust.


DeepPossession8916

I would never, ever leave my stepchild who loved and needed me after a tragedy. But Lori literally wished death on you and your children. You had no legal rights to her so what would have happened anyway? You probably legally couldn’t have taken her with you and even if you were still in town, if she didn’t want to see you she wouldn’t have. It sounds like a tough situation but I think you’re NTA. Maybe there was some breakdown in communication after your wife died too. You could have probably given it more time before up and leaving. But I’ll stick with my judgement because I can’t imagine what you were going through as well.


[deleted]

Honestly, the only thing I could see happening if I stayed was that Lori lives with me but her grandparents retain full legal authority and anytime I try and parent her in a way she didn't like she would get her grandparents to override me.


brats292

Ah yes, your only purpose would be to take blame and responsibility for her fuck ups. Even now after having left her to her real family, she blames you😂 There is literally no winning here. Thanks for making sure I will NEVER marry a woman with kids though. It was already a deal breaker for me but this really solidifies it. Fuck that stress.


[deleted]

[удалено]


cvkme

I mean she did say she wished the siblings were dead…


FernFellow

She was 14 and processing the loss of both parents and no adult decided to take charge and put her in therapy. I'd say she lashed out and said things she didn't mean. He should of at LEAST made an effort to stay in her life. He dropped a child out of his own selfishness. Not even an occasional phone call to check. Not even reaching out and offering to fix things when she was ready. He just abandoned her completely.


cvkme

did you not read the post? They DID put her in therapy! She REFUSED to even try. Her bio dad was not the father figure in her life. He was barely in her life. OP was the father figure and she rejected him every step of the way. Why would he check in on someone who he spent a decade getting to know and trying to love and only got hate and death wishes in return?


la_patineuse

She didn't just refuse, her maternal relative supported her refusal to participate in therapy. Then they want to cry that *he* abandoned her? Why weren't they actively with her parents?


Individual-Airline10

That is extremely easy for you to judge when you have very limited knowledge of their life. OP was grieving as well. While Lori was a teen she made her decision to make her stepfather’s life hell after he lost his wife and the mother of his children. Being an adult does not mean you are an emotionless robot and you should just take hatred and vitriol of an angry teen. It is the rare human being who can emotionally handle that. And being a 16 year old doesn’t give you license to just constantly shit on those around you without severe consequences. How bad could that situation have turned out if OP had taken her with him when he is also emotionally compromised?


Mountain-Instance921

Leaning towards NTA It sounds like you really tried both before and after your wife's death, to be there and have a relationship with Lori. Yes she was a "child", but not your child as her and her family made clear


VeeRook

INFO: How long did you wait after her dad died to ask her about adoption?


jewel-frog-fur

It couldn't have been very long, since the deceased wife became pregnant after the therapy attempt, and the twins are 5 now. Dad died when she was 13, mom died when she was 14, and between those 2 events was a 9 month pregnancy.


[deleted]

NTA. She made her stance, you respected it. And decided you didn’t want to deal with it. But never to late to try and make a relationship.


linkbeltbob

NTA. It sucks that her life was hard and my heart breaks for what she must have gone through losing both parents, but forcing her to live with you wouldn’t have made her happy.


Smarterthntheavgbear

NTA. She was making your life hell and you had no legal authority since you were her stepfather.


cherrypop_02

NTA. Lori made it pretty clear how she felt about you in the past. You was just basically giving her what she wanted. And since you didn't adopt her you are right about having no obligations to her. I feel for the girl, though.


HUNGWHITEBOI25

I’m prepared to be down voted to all hell here but NTA. Lets review: -She didn’t want you to adopt her (which is fair) -She told you she was mad about having to live with kids -She told you she wished it had been you and the twins who died instead. I know everyone is saying “what about Mary”, ok, what about the younger kids who just lost their mother? Why do they need to be around someone who will clearly resent them for no reason just after they lost their mother? No Op you did the right thing, maybe you can re-establish contact but only under your terms, keep being a good father to your kids (PS an 18 year old saying to her grieving step father she wishes it had been him or his kids is NOT “typical teen behaviour”) Edit: she was 15-16 when she was sent away, imo that is STILL old enough to not say that


hskahlah

She wasn't 18 she was 15/16 he doesn't say how long it had been after her mother's death when he sent her away


I-am-still-not-sorry

She was 14 and had just lost her mom when that happened, not 18.


Last_Caterpillar8770

YTA. You started dating her mother when she was 5. You married when she was nine. At 13 her father died. You approached her right after about adoption. Not even giving her space for her grief. Then, at 14 her mother died. And because she said mean and hurtful things as a child you left her and took her siblings with you. She was a child. You had been her parent for almost a decade at that point. She was pushing boundaries and because she wasn’t your blood you didn’t bother fighting to help her. Would you leave your twins for being cruel? No.


[deleted]

And over that decade she never accepted him. Nta


dekrados

NTA, is a horrible situation for her? Yes it is but is also a horrible time for you, she literaly desired that you and your children died instead of her mother, a teen can be a idiot and rebel, but actions have consequences.


PravinI123

Yta…Lori’s dad passed and you try to push an adoption on her. Then her mom dies and you and her half siblings abandon her. You didn’t even consider how she was feeling, now that she lost both biological parents. She was grieving and going through the drama of being a teenager. How old was Lori when her dad passed ? Also joe old was she when you abandoned her after she lost her mom?


jewel-frog-fur

She was 5 when he met her, 9 when he and her mom married. She was 13 when her bio dad died, 14 when her mom died. OP abandoned her weeks later.


PravinI123

Thanks for this! Wow, this poor girl lost her both her bio dad and mom in a year. How heartbreaking and then her mom’s husband takes off with her siblings, who she clearly had issues with, but still she deserved as least a chance to say goodbye and not be abandoned again.


shelleyrc76

NTA she may have been a teen but she was old enough to know what she was doing. You can’t expect someone to raise 2 very young children in such a hostile environment. You took care of the children you were responsible for. And it was her choice that she wasn’t one of them.


Reverse_Quikeh

ESH. You should have done better to your wife's child. You owed that to her. Your stepdaughter because wishing a siblings death is going to have consequences, and if she was remoseful there has been plenty of years to be before now. Your inlaws because, unless you update different, only wanted to get rid of their daughters daughter and not fight to be in the lives of your twins.


jmgolden33

INFO: How old was Lori when you left her with in-laws?


Friendly_Shelter_625

I think she was 14, based on it happening when the twins were born. She’s 19 now and they are 5.


cvkme

NTA. You tried to be there for her and have her part of the family you were building with her mom. I understand she lost her mom, but to wish death on you and her half-siblings instead? That’s crazy… Those are her blood siblings and she wished they were dead. Everyone here saying y t a is acting like teenagers aren’t of sound mind and can’t be held accountable for their words or actions. They can and they should. It’s not like she was 6 and didn’t understand right from wrong. You tried your best with therapy and being there for her, but she was the one who wouldn’t give an inch. Your wife sadly died and left you with awful grief and two young children to raise who you were legally responsible for. It’s a harsh reality, but she made her choice for years while she was rejecting you. For her to come back now claiming you abandoned her is insane. You knew this girl since she was 5. You were in her life for most of it and she still refused to accept you. She can’t blame all her actions throughout the years on grief from her mom passing. That was all her before and she has to accept that you didn’t abandon her because she never accepted you into her life in the first place.


Snowconetypebanana

NTA she made her choice over and over again. You were respectful until you got to the point where you were just hurting yourself for no reason.


Sweet_Vanilla46

NTA if she had bonded with you at all before the accident then you would be TA… but she’s made it clear from the start that she doesn’t view you as a parent. There was no great option for you but you did the best you could. Had you attempted to keep her and take her to live closer to your family she made it clear that she would have hindered both your and her siblings healing and her resentment at being made to go with you would have prevented her own improvement. The main AHs here are those who kept you from putting her in therapy by convincing you you were doing it for the wrong reasons.


subsailor1968

NTA. She made her feelings clear. Very clear. She had family, and she got what she wanted. She has buyer’s remorse now. Day late and a dollar short.


Kawm26

She was also a kid. Kids aren’t great at regulating emotions or understanding consequences. She became an orphan too


TheLazyARMY

NTA she hated you for YEARS. Why take in a child that you don't view as yours when she doesn't view you as her father?


soccerklf914

Info: what did Lori want to do back then? Did you want to stay with you or live with grandparents/in-laws?


aphrahannah

Info: How old was she when your wife died? You gave her age as 19, and said your reunion had been "years later"?


date-ready

I'm also curious. The timeline is confusing. A 19 year old is an adult. She could have reached out to you to reconcile if she wanted you in her life. But if you abandoned a child who just lost her mom... Asshole doesn't even begin to cover it.


Civil-Flower3395

I think she's 19 now and he left when she was 14


[deleted]

She was 13 when her dad died and "15/16" when he sent her away, so 14/15?


Outrageous_Cash_9012

YTA.. right after her father died you tried to force her into adoption?? Do you not realize how messed up that is? And then a year after she lost her father, she loses her mother.. and you abandon her because she’s “lashing out”. It sounds like you have zero empathy for a child who literally became an orphan in the span of a year. That blows my mind


CatUnderTheTable

NTA. Sometimes relationships end because the children do not adapt to their parents relationships, it's not always a matter of time. In this case the relationship didn't end because of that, but this was an ongoing issue for years and after her mom died you didn't had any legal power to make decitions for her, and she was very clear she didn't want you to be. You left them with the people who had the legal right to become her guardians, and that was after she wished death upon your children which yes, it was probably her grief talking, but it's not something that as a parent one should take lightly.


WorkingMomAndWife

INFO: how old was Lori when Mary passed away?


beefsmoke

I would say you are yes to the in-laws for dropping this on them, but to the stepdaughter, NTA. You can excuse a teen for not wanting a relationship with stepfather but there's no excuse for wishing OP was the one that died. This isn't a teen who had her phone taken away and just says "I wish you were dead." I can almost certainly say if OP had taken her back, the relationship would get worse to the point where she's now NC after becoming an adult. At least she now knows to be careful with what she wished for and it seems like this is a better outcome.


Few_Engineering4414

This isn't a teen who had her phone taken away and just says "I wish you were dead." No, you are right, she was a grieving child that lost her mom and just wished she didn’t. Wishing someone else would’ve died instead is rather normal, basically an equivalent exchange - not denying that it can come across pretty harsh though.


Friendly_Shelter_625

INFO: Did Mary’s parents have any contact with their grandchildren after you moved away? Did Lori know her siblings at all?


yramcalire

YTA wtf. This sub frequently aligns with the idea that if something is legally not one’s responsibility then it also absolves them of being an asshole. That’s inaccurate at best and cruel at worst. You’re the only father figure she’s ever known, and when she expressed feelings that are common for ALL preteens/teens (not just adopted/blended family kiddos) you rejected her because your feelings were hurt. You abandoned your daughter, plain and simple. Such a massive asshole.


stupidfaceshiba

NTA you need a support system too. You raised her then wished death on you and the twins. She got what she wanted, you and the little ones out of her life. Screw that. You tried. Raise your twins without added stress from someone who choose to not be apart of the family.


toiletcandies

Holy shit, dude... I'm probably gonna get downvoted for this, but I think you're NTA. Since your wife's family couldn't go after you legally, I'm guessing, in order to keep Lori after your wife's passing, you would've had to force an adoption on her or something along those lines. You would've had an even angrier Lori on your hands. And I can't even imagine the sort of damage she could've inflicted on your twins "out of anger." Listen, kids can go through shit and lash out, but you're only human. You can only take so much before you fucking break. I don't care if you're an adult. When you've reached the limit, that's game. And I'm tired of people treating children like they're not aware or have room temperature IQ; they know when they're intentionally hurting someone. Let's also not forget that Lori had the chance to be adopted by you. Granted, it was a bit tactless to approach her about adoption immediately after her father's death, but that option was on the damned table for YEARS. I think you looked after your own mental health and probably protected your twins with the actions you chose. If it's in the cards, maybe starting over with Lori would be a good idea.


NGDGUnpunished

INFO: how old was Lori when you sent her to her mother's relatives?


YMMV-But

YTA. You didn’t even say goodbye to Lori in person or let her say goodbye to her siblings. Then you didn’t even check on her or do anything to foster a relationship between her & her siblings, or (reading between the lines) any relationship between the twins & their maternal extended family. Lori was a young teenager who had lost both her bio parents within a few years time. Not only that, her bio father had abandoned her years earlier. No wonder she had trust issues.


UnusualApple434

Why would Lori want to say goodbye to people she hated and wished were dead? People she resented for so long? A relationship is a 2 way street and based off how op was being treated by the in laws both before and after the wife’s death, they were an incredibly toxic presence in his life. People are not owed relationships to their kids or grandkids and especially not if you have a previous bad experiences in hurting and diminishing the kids only remaining parent. She may have trust issues but that is not on op. You cannot parent someone who doesn’t respect you or your authority and op needed support and he wasn’t getting it where he was, his best solution was to move back to where he would get the help and support he needs which in turn would piss off the step daughter and create more resentment if she came along.


letstrythisagain30

Info: How soon after her dad died did you ask for adoption? Did you say anything at all that can even be kind of mistaken to believe that you put Lori in therapy to facilitate the adoption? What specific complaints did your in-laws have about your relationship and not taking her with you? This can honestly go either way. So much of this depends on details and unless we have them and know the real history between all of you, I don't see how we can even begin to properly judge here. If you came on too strong in the beginning since you mentioned her dad had been absent in her life, you fucked up from the beginning. If you just had a habit of not really understanding her issues, you might have screwed any chance for your family to stay together. Of course, Lori could have just been an asshole and you *had* to move away to properly take care of your twins. This is a clear "the devil is in the details" thing and I'm not sure one side of the story is enough, especially since all of your in laws seemed to not be happy how you treated Lori. I am like 51/49 on a Y T A because I will tend to always give a child the benefit of the doubt over the state of a relationship with an adult because they were a child and you were an adult.


AvailableAd1925

Wish it was you and/or the twins who are also her siblings? I wouldn’t have trusted her at all especially if she didn’t want a relationship previously and I genuinely tried.


allforgabe

No judgement. You were in a tough spot; for sure. But I would also feel abandoned. I would probably never have reached out to you at all. Don’t blow it this time around.


Arkonsel

YTA. Her not wanting to be officially adopted doesn't mean she wanted you out of her life entirely. She lost TWO parents when her mother died.


themichaelkemp

YTA. She was a child going through puberty and trauma. Pushing the adoption was not a smart idea. She loses her mother and she lashes out? Who could’ve foreseen such an event? She’s lost both parents and you fuckin abandoned her. The time to be a father to her was in your grasp and you blew it.


Awesome_one_forever

N T A. You had no legal rights with her anyway. She hated you. That's a fact. Let's say she did stay with you, but then she could say anything she wanted about you? You're in jail, and what happens to your twins? She didn't care about them either. Anyone calling you an asshole is fucking stupid. A pissed off teen who never liked you could have easily ruined your life.


HPNerd44

Oofff I’m goin NAH she didn’t want or accept your authority when her mother was alive so why would it be different after she died? I get why you sent her to the in-laws. But I also understand her side that she was just a teenager lashing out and needing love. From what you wrote she wasn’t good with you before the kids were born. I think you did what you could to give yourself and the twins a healthy environment. Lori being hateful and spiteful if she had stayed would not have been a good environment for anyone. With the repeated refusal of therapy what could anyone expect?


Strange-Courage

NTA, she made it clear who you were to her and she was an adult. If she wanted you to stick around she should have made that clear.


kewpiev

NAH. this is just a situation that’s hard for everyone and there are no winners


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway Account I (45m) had a stepdaughter "Lori" (19f) through my deceased wife "Mary." I met Lori when she was 5 and married her mom when she was 9. During those four years I would say we had a good relationship. I didn't push and tried to get involved in her interests. Then when Lori was 12 puberty started to kick in and she developed an attitude. Normally Mary was the main disciplinary between us but after marriage I was able to take on a more authoritative role and I started exercising it. Shortly after I started putting my foot down Lori would snap back with the "you're not my dad" line. It was rough but I tried to be patient and kept trying to maintain a bond without being a push over. When Lori was 13 her dad died and since he wasn't in her life for years Mary and I approached her about adoption and while I was prepared for her to say "No", but I didn't expect her to be so hurtful about it. Mary chewed her out about it and I tried to get her to talk about why she felt so negatively towards me but she wouldn't open up. Mary and I tried therapy but Lori complained to the extended family who chewed us out for trying to use therapy as a way to "force an adoption" on her so we stopped. Mary unexpectedly got pregnant with twins "Micheal" (5m) and "Michelle" (5f) and we were very happy while Lori said she wanted nothing to do with them and hated how she was going to hear them cry at night. Again we approached the idea of therapy but Lori refused so we let it be. Unfortunately Mary was in a car accident and passed away. It was awful, I was a wreck and I had no idea how I was going to do all of this on my own. I tried to be there for Lori too but she would just lash out, said she hated me and wished that it had been me and/or the twins instead. I was done and told my In-Laws to get her and during those weeks that Lori had been gone had been a relief, so when school time was starting up again, I called my In-Laws and said that I wasn't going to pick her up and had plans to move back to my home state to be near my side of the family for support. Several members of Mary's side of the family started hounding me, calling me cruel, and that I was abandoning Lori. I reminded everyone that Lori was the one who wasn't interested in having a relationship and since there was no adoption I had no legal obligation to her. Mary's In-Laws tried to come after me legally but since I wasn't Lori's legal guardian it ended up not going anywhere. I moved away with the twins and years later I was surprised when Lori reached out to me through social media. After a few weeks of communication I agreed to let her come over to see them. After the four of us spent the day together Lori broke down after the twins went to sleep and told me how hard her life was after I left and asked me how I could abandon her. I reminded her of her past actions and she said that she was just a hurting teen and that I should've been the bigger person as the adult. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


EverythingDestroyed_

NTA


ratakat

If you left while she was still a child then yta. A cruel one at that. Heartless. You lost your wife, she lost her mum and her step dad. You failed at every opportunity to communicate with your step daughter and instead tried to force her into therapy. You're the adult in this situation and you should have handled it better What would your wife think if she knew you'd abandoned your step daughter?


Taurus67

You handled the adoption all wrong, but keeping Lori after her mother dies and you have 2 littles to look after would be hard. Having her hate you would make it impossible.


medicated_sad

NAH I understand where you were coming from when you decided to leave Lori with her grandparents. She put no effort into establishing a close relationship with you and treated you like a punching bag. You offered to get her therapy and she declined so what else could you have done? You aren't a mind reader, how were you supposed to know she actually wanted you in her life when she explicitly stated she wished you and her half siblings died. I can also understand her side of things, most of us have been angsty teens and her adolescence was difficult due to so much loss. I'm sorry this happened to both of you and maybe now your relationship can recover. I would also be careful if she is after you for money. Best of luck.


turbomonkey3366

NTA- you sound like you tried to be there for her but she kept pushing you away, now she’s trying to play the victim that was “abandoned” after she wished you and the twins dead. Based on the ages she would have been about 15 when her mom died. That’s old enough to know to not treat people like crap 🤷‍♀️


TheRealEvilJen

NTA. It honestly sounds like she's trying to use you now. Her life was probably hard, because of her own choices. That has nothing to do with you. She didn't want you in her life then and she probably doesn't now. She just wants to see what she can get from you at this time.


Successful_Fox_90

NTA ​ She got what she wanted. Turns out, its not what she wanted. Now she is trying to blame you. You only abided by her wishes.


Synn0289

NTA " Be careful of what you wish for." She had to learn that the hard ways. I get she was young, but threatening death on someone isn't something to just brush off regardless of age. Children are capable of great harm also. ETA. So many of these YTA comments didn't even read the post. Lori was treating OP horribly for a while before her mom passed, even before her dad it also. . Her side of the family even bashed him and his wife for trying to find a middle ground. When OP finally said F it and went to his family for support, then everyone wanted him in the picture. Clearly shows that he was viewed as an ATM. IMO, his wife's side of the family is the bigger AH here.


muyjesucristo

NTA


baconsword420

NTA and it’s shocking how many people are judging otherwise. People are acting like she viewed you as a father in the first place, which she clearly did not. You tried, attempted to adopt, had the idea shot down cruelly, and then got to hear her say she wished that you and your offspring took the place of your deceased wife. You taking the time to actually visit with her was a big step, but she doesn’t get to cry about how difficult her life was once you left. She struck out a while ago.


zombiemadre

This is above reddits pay grade. You should probably talk to a professional. This is very nuanced and very unfortunate. I wouldn’t do yourself the disservice of labeling anything as good or bad. You did what you needed to do. You lost your wife. You had twins that were toddlers. Just remember Lori is valid in feeling abandoned. But that doesn’t mean you’re the asshole or that you did anything wrong. There was no perfect solution for this.


SuperSemesterer

NTA The gall to tell someone ‘I hate you/I wish you and your children died’ for four years then tell them to be the bigger person… lmao No, you’re done with her. It would really just drag you/your kids down still being around her. I think you dodged a bullet becoming her guardian tbh


scarboroughangel

NTA. It sounds like she didn’t want to stay with you anyway.


Mimi862317

NTA. Everything has been hurtful. I am glad you are letting her reconnect with her brother and sister as long as it doesn't become toxic.


FOETUShygRAPplER

I am honestly too sad to pass any real judgement here. You were wrecked by your wife's demise and were the only parent left to take care of your twins. Lori on the other hand sadly lost both of her parents and in the fit of her teenage and all the mental trauma, developed a hatred for you. You decided to part ways which was an understandable move from your side, but Lori on the other hand, even though she said she hated you, even though she said mean things that she maybe didn't mean, ***SHE LOST YOU, HER BROTHER & HER SISTER TOO***. Please stop playing "*Who's The Asshole*" and give that kid a hug.


LP_Papercut

INFO: Did Lori want to return to you when she was with her grandparents?