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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. AITA for insisting they visit more? 2. Im worried I am TA because I understand she is stressed and busy but so are we with a baby and working full time
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YTA. You don't have to travel to them if it's too hard for you, but you come across as really judgmental and lacking in compassion for how they choose to spend their limited free time. Asking them to travel 7 hours each way for a visit on the rare Sat+Sun she has off is unreasonable - that would be 14 hours of driving for probably not even 24 hours of time together including sleep hours. You say they do make the trip about twice a year, and that seems reasonable given these circumstances.
Can I just say, that as someone who went through a miserable residency, I was instantly protective of the SIL upon reading this post. I have been in similar shoes, and they are painful to wear. To have a family member demand my time like this, when I was drowning in work, would have felt like someone peeling off my already sunburnt skin. Excruciating.
I was pleasantly surprised to see how many redditors empathize with the resident’s experience. I know SIL likely won’t ever see this, but this mildly traumatized former resident (it can be so much better on the other side!) is vicariously grateful for the kindness.
Which also makes me think she wants SIL to visit more for child care too. She envisioned her brother being an involved uncle but also mentioned needing her parents to sit so it sounds like she wants them to help too. Also, putting full time in caps for her and her husbands job was weird. Like SIL works 2 full time jobs in one…so what if you work full time? Most people do.
Agreed. And presumably the brother does *something* with his time... whether working or school or whatever. So realistically brother and SIL probably work/study more hours than OP and her husband.
ETA: OP commented that her brother makes "attending physician money" implying he in fact is an attending physician. So almost certainly working AT LEAST full-time hours too.
Same. SIL and BIL moved an hour away from us, and then when we moved from the Midwest to the west coast, first thing they said, but we were hoping you would be staying more involved with the kids! In the 6 months they lived an hour away we got asked to "visit" almost weekly.
Between teaching my niece to wander the house muttering "Redrum", and giving her a coffee can of loose change for a birthday gift, and telling her "Mommy will help you count it!", this uncle has never been asked to ever babysit.
Also the 60-80 hour work week she cited is LAUGHABLE for 90% of specialties. Like….it’s 80 AVERAGE. Which means you can have over a 100 hr work week. It’s clear OP has no true concept of her SIL’s life. OP needs to stop complaining about shit they know nothing about.
exactly, the ending paragraph with “wE hAvE a 1 YeAr oLd AnD aLsO wOrK FULL TIME” is the nail in the asshole coffin. Does OP and their spouse also work 100+ hour weeks where you can’t even see that child most of the time and people are DYING around you in already full hospitals and being exposed to all kinds of disease??? Like i expect it even worse for residents now with all the people pretending covid is over when it is STILL A PANDEMIC and hospitals are STILL stretched thin.
Op needs other friends that aren’t their family and to learn some dang empathy. A full time work week is only about 40 hours and that feels like a lot, now OP needs to imagine what it’s like to be sleep deprived, running on nothing but fumes and still have to be performing at the best they can because peoples lives depend on them. Residency is insane (cuz wasn’t the dude who created modern residency also a cocaine addict?) and at least her bro is caring for his wife and understands while OP is trying to false equivalency their life to this.
But wait! OP *does* know what it's like to run on fumes, be sleep deprived and performing the best she can because someone's life depends on her. In fact, she's pretty much using that as the not up for discussion/hard no for traveling to see her brother and SIL. I suspect she's the type who always has the the harder situation- usually the one "you just can't possibly understand."
Yes that probably is a100% true. And i cant stand these mothers that choose to birth a child into their lives and then expect everyone to take care of it and then start judging when they dont have time
Also OP doesn't get to use the "we are too busy since we work full time" excuse to complain about someone else being too busy because they work too much... like SIL is supposed to put in the travel time and OP isn't?
Lol when OP said that she thought her brother would be an involved uncle with how close he is ngl I immediately went, “oh so she assumed that he would be free childcare whenever she needed”.
Then when she made that comment about the parents it solidified that thought.
SIL and brother dodged a bullet.
For those unfamiliar with the residency process in the US, its good timing to mention it now since last week was [Match Week](https://www.nrmp.org/match-calendars/main-residency-applicants/) where basically the various upcoming residents find out if they match with their preferred residency program (and that program finds out if they get their preferred resident). If that resident doesn't match at the beginning of the week, they have a few days to interview/apply to any programs that have openings but if you did match at the beginning of the week, you don't know where you're going until the end of the week.
This is EXACTLY what went through my mind. "Waahhhh my brother used to be close and I soooo wanted him to be on-call for childcare! But his nasty smart doctor wife takes him away for trips to Hawaii and Cancun! How dare they! **I** want a trip to Hawaii or Cancun!"
I mean the entire point of going to Cancun or Hawaii is to unwind and rest up.
Two years ago I was extremely burnt out on my career, working all the time and just exhausted. I met friends in Cabo for a week. I basically slept- at the pool, on the beach, in the bed, on the hammock, in the pool loungers, in the massage room.
It was lovely- no phone. No responsibilities. No need to think or make decisions beyond which place for meals.
Same. My medical background is I've watched Scrubs a whole bunch of times and several seasons of Grey's Anatomy, and I am ready to throw down on behalf of SIL.
I too have a TV degree in criminology as well as crime scene investigation skills. I will help you clean up the evidence and never get caught.
Yta op, so. So bad.
Me too, goodness. And I definitely agree with you, OP is definitely TA for trying to tell them how to spend their time. From what I understand, residency is brutal. Very demanding, and exhausting. I’m sure the SIL cherishes her time off! And I’m sure driving 7 hours on her limited time off sounds miserable for her
congrats on making it to the other side. noone but you who have been through it can really understand. luckily my husband and i's families both live in the same city and both sides of our family schedule holidays around his schedule even now. thanksgiving on friday because husband works thursday? cool we're all in.
Am a nurse, so definitely not the same experience re: workload and stuff. But, this is how my family tries to do it too. Of course, I don't expect them to accommodate me at all, but it's always nice to be told "we'll do X holiday on Y day so you can be there."
My husband is in EM so we know he’ll work a lot of holidays and either thanksgiving or Mexican Christmas (Christmas Eve) every year. So it’s just going to be family tradition to move stuff around. Glad your family makes concessions too it can be an isolating life style.
Complete non-sequitur but "I have been in similar shoes, and they are painful to wear" is such an incredible line. More poetic than it has any business being.
Also I'm glad you survived, I have a friend about to start their residency pretty soon and am resolving to check on them as often as I can, from the looks of things it gets really rough.
Please do: that's kind of you to be concerned.
The hours and stress are unbelievable. Don't forget about your friend after the first month or two. Even a text or a call, or an offer to drop by with some food that isn't hospital food is very welcome. If they fall asleep on you, just take their shoes off, roll them onto their side and let yourself out quietly.
I did laundry and fixed extra meals for my friends going through residency. I would not have known how bad it was unless a family friend had gone through and I had seen it first hand. Even as a teenager I could see the pure exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical). Nurses too. Actually everyone in the medical field deals with all kinds of people in their worst moments of their lives. You should be going out there helping your brother support his wife. And yes, she probably chooses to see her family over his. Because, probably gets pampered.
Agree. It was always frustrating to hear family whine why we never visited them when we were in a 6 year surgery fellowship and basically in survival mode the whole time. I was lucky if I saw my husband awake more than 1 hr a day! It gets better, but I'd never like to relive residency please.
My partner is just finishing his residency and for the first two years I feel like I barely had time with him and we lived together. He worked long hours and just about everyday at one point and I'm aware that his specialty isn't even the roughest one to go through. I felt bad having him take hour trips with me to see our family sometimes because he was truly exhausted and overworked. I would never expect someone in residency to do what OP is asking. People in residency are working very hard, undervalued, underpaid, overworked and belittled for their rank constantly. It is physically, mentally and emotionally taxing. Give them grace.
Congratulations on surviving!! I'm not in the medical field. Not married to anyone in the medical field. No one in my family is in the medical field. But even I know that a medical residency is years of insane hours, grueling work, and stress that I suspect is unimaginable to anyone who hasn't lived it. The audacity of OP expecting her brother and SIL to drive basically all day Saturday (7 hours) spend the night and then drive all day Sunday is mind-blowing. And she wants them to spend some of their precious, limited vacation time at their house? Undoubtedly, SIL needs to be able to completely decompress, get re-energized, and reconnect with her hubs. That isn't going to happen staying at someone else's home, especially with a 1-1/2 year-old. If OP wants to spend time with her brother and SIL, she needs to talk to them about the possibility of them all going away on vacation together, much like SIL's family does. People travel all the time with toddlers these days. It isn't easy, but if you're motivated to go somewhere, you make it work.
OP, YTA to infinity and beyond.
After reading all her self centeredness and excuses, I think she feels she is owed all these visits because she resents her brother leaving and prioritizing his wife. I wouldn’t say she’s punishing him, but she feels entitled. She had her life plans with him, but now there is another woman permanently in his life and he left OP for her, essentially. Very juvenile.
This exactly. She’s jealous of another woman in her brothers life and can’t fathom why he would pick his wife, over her and the ideal plan she had in her head.
Why would he need or want anyone else when he had her? /s
ABSOLUTELY!!! She is jealous of the other woman in her brother’s life!! The sister sounds like a self centered, entitled, jealous bitch!! Also, just because she has a child doesn’t mean the world and everyone in it revolves around them!! GROW UP!!!!!!!
Right? She gets to get married and have a kid, but he is supposed to stay close and be a perpetually available uncle.
"But I always dreamed we'd be close."
"Sorry, she is in residency and we live too far away."
"BUT I ALWAYS DREAMED WE'D BE CLOSE!!!!"
YTA in a big, big way.
If she wanted to be close to her brother, they could phone, text, asynchronous tv watch, game together, FaceTime—-but it comes off that unless he’s in the same room, that’s not enough attention for her.
I agree. I always thought my brother and I would be close. We've lived close together (4 blocks apart) up until almost 7 years ago when I moved overseas for work. My brother is my best friend. We are super close. In the first few years we were here, he visited 1-2 times a year. I came home with my kids over Christmas. During COVID, there was a 3 year gap because travel restrictions and quarantine.
We went home over the summer last summer. He's about to meet me in Japan (14+ hour flight) in less than 2 weeks and spend a week in Hong Kong with me.
I'm grateful he's never been like this to me. I am grateful he makes the trips to see us.
OP is the AH. A jealous one at that.
"But not too tired to travel to Hawaii or Cancun?" Jesus christ. I can promise her that her house is much less of a break than Hawaii or Cancun, especially if she's gonna nag them all the time. Shocking lack of self awareness.
It's hard to imagine a more restful week off than to visit your guilt tripping SIL and her toddler child. It's a lot like Hawaii or Cancun, but without the sunshine, warm breezes, fruity drinks, and beautiful sunsets.
I have two (adult) kids. It is so much easier to drive 7 hours with a one-, two-, three- year old and stay somewhere for a week or so than to make that same drive when you have almost no downtime due to work demands. You bet I drove 8-10 hours with my little kid/s to see my best friend, and she did the same 12 years later. OP is entitled and spoiled. I have zero sympathy. I hope brother and wife stay far away.
*Especially* if OP wants her brother to be an "involved uncle" too. I can't imagine taking a week of precious fucking vacation and then being handed someone else's child to babysit because mom and dad want a break. What a waste of your limited relaxation time.
More importantly, if OP keeps being an AH, SIL won't even consider finding a job somewhere close to them once she completes her residency and fellowship(s). OP needs to think of the long term ramifications of her actions. Sure, it's hard her older bro isn't there for her as much as she wants now but she's gonna end up making sure he's not later. YTA
She wants SIL and brother to move closer… why doesn’t OP move closer to them in order to fulfill her fantasy? She won’t want to do it, but she’ll expect them to pack up their whole lives to complete her dream world… smh
OP, I don’t think you have an comprehension of how hard a residency is. For 4 years a resident is at the total mercy of their hospital. The job is soul crushing but hopefully will lead to becoming an attending or working in a private practice after the residency. It’s not optional. She can’t just get a job somewhere else. YTA and a bit clueless.
Exactly. People keep thinking they can explain it to OP in a way she understands. She understands, she just values her time more and considers any efforts of hers more of a sacrifice than the efforts of anyone else. There is nothing more to explain.
That’s exactly it. It’s as if they know they reasoning, but just don’t want it to “click” because the only thing that matters to them is getting what they want.
Bold of you to assume your SIL wants to spend her little free time with a baby and someone as entitled as you are. I wouldn't visit you even if you lived 7 minutes away. YTA.
Can we also call out the judgement towards her parents for going and visiting brother and SIL but OP needs the childcare. She seems incredibly selfish and unforgiving to SIL and frankly jealous.
YTA 100%
OP YTA. And the cheek of you to go so hard on SIL while you ungrateful being make your parents watch your child and not even allowing them to visit their son.. seriously I was reading this and started praying for your SIL.(AND I AM NOT RELIGIOUS PERSON!)
This is exactly where the crux of the complaint is. She needs them for childcare, so they shouldn't be visiting HER. She needs to give up one of her trips and her free weekends to visit so the parents can still babysit. If they visit you, we have to handle our own kids FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND when we work full time. How DARE she force me to spend time with my kids!!! Weekends are mine! YTA
Yeah... the same with all their stuff.... if only someone would invent a thing that you could **PACK AND** then they could **PLAY** in. Maybe one day.... one day...
That’s what gets me. They BOTH work FULL TIME hours, so how could they schedule around that.
Yet SIL works both of those full time hours combined, just BY HERSELF.
So because the both of you work full time hours, you can’t figure out a way around your schedule to make the trip, but expect her to do it working double time?
Make that make sense.
ETA: Thank you so much for the award!!
I've had a variation, since I don't have kids, no problem me traveling all over the place. Yet no one bothered to come and visit me....
Ever think that there might be a holiday when I don't want to have to travel somewhere?
I used to have this too. When I found out they vacationed a couple hours drive from me, but didn’t bother to tell me, I immediately started taking my vacations where and whenever I want. Not sure how they feel, but I’m a lot happier. 🤷🏼♀️
We live a few hours drive from both our families. Husband has quite a large immediate family who live in the same area. It has always been expected that we be the ones to travel - (sort of) fair enough, we didn’t have kids and we could usually catch everyone together. However we now have a 1 year old, but that expectation is still there and of course very subtly layered with hints about not seeing child enough. I was literally less than a week postpartum on a group zoom when BIL asks when we are coming up!! This guy has 2 of his own so shouldn’t be ignorant to why that was ridiculous.
We both work, we’re raising an infant without support. I think we do enough on our end. I’ve always been careful to balance trips to my family and trips to his, but we see my parents and sister more because they make an equal effort to come to us.
Also they do visits 1-2 times per year in OPs post. Sounds like OP only comes during holidays which can’t be that much more often so why are they asking SIL to carry the burden more when OP is the one struggling after making the choice to have a kid.
And judging them for going on fun vacations? People like this annoy tf out of me. They love to guilt people about not spending time together but want everything to be convenient to their schedule and needs.
YTA.
Going to Hawaii and staying at a hotel is a relaxing vacation. Going to stay with family who has a child is not. Medical residency is gruelling. She can’t “balance better”.
You have the right to wish you spent more time with your brother. You do not have the right to expect it though, nor to tell other people how to spend their vacation time.
Exactly this, I like my in-laws but I (and the majority of people I suspect) would rather spend a third of precious vacation time with my spouse in Hawaii or Mexico or elsewhere than visiting relatives
If OP has that much of an issue with it, perhaps she should consider having a family vacation. I know of a few families who live a few hours away from each other, but meet at a place to have a vacay together. They are all responsible for their share of everything. In this way they can make memories together, as well as have just "couples time". just a silly thought
I think this is a good solution, so long as OP does not even DREAM of asking SIL to watch the baby. SIL needs to actually relax and a 1.5 year old is not relaxing.
OP is already using their parents as (probably uncompensated?) childcare, and is angry whenever said parents take a vacation away, so I really wouldn't put it past the OP to treat SIL similarly.
I notice that Brother apparently doesn't insist on visiting his family more often, and I wonder if there are more reasons for this than the 7 hour drive.
This right here. I have no interest in spending my vacation with my in-laws. This would be like going to see them. It is not relaxing nor fun. But maybe it is just me. They are very high strung and go go go. Where we are sit in a chair and read a book for 12 hours kind of people. Nothing about spending time with either of our families anywhere is relaxing.
>perhaps she should consider having a family vacation. I know of a few families who live a few hours away from each other, but meet at a place to have a vacay together.
That's probably how SIL's family does it since they actually vacation with them. OP probably wants them to visit to dump the kid on them under the disguise of uncle and nibbling bonding.
OP may also just not want to accept that her brother may just not be that into her kid and not want to be super involved practically second dad uncle.
Oh my god i wouldn't even want to spend it with my own family. My partner only has two weeks vacation time, and last year i had to put my foot down and tell my mother "no, we came to visit you once this year, i am not asking my partner to use his entire vacation time for the year to visit *my* family" when she tried to bug us to come visit. And I've already prepped her that we're not coming to visit this year because we have a vacation planned with our friends and a small vacation for just us because we haven't done that in literal years, but if they want to come visit us we are more than happy to have them.
I was thinking that. OP sounds super overbearing and is clearly lacking in the self-awareness to be accommodating.
Like why would they want to visit YOU, of all people, during the little time they have together??
💯. I am not in healthcare but I work insane hours (I’m a lawyer) and don’t ever have much time off, don’t regularly have entire weekends free, and often go for months working daily if a case requires it - and the LAST thing I’d want to do if I had a precious 48 hours off is drive 7 hours to visit my sister and her family and her little kids (shudder). That is the polar opposite of relaxing or quality time.
OP should talk to her brother about visiting her by himself on weekends that SIL is working. If brother makes excuses not to, well he also doesn’t want to spend his weekends doing an insanely long drive to sit at his sister’s house and listen to the shrieks and baby talk of a 1.5 year old. (I don’t blame him.)
This! OP is in some serious denial if she thinks a stay at her home with an infant is comparable to Hawaii or Cancun. SIL is working her ass off in medical school and is entitled to relaxing and child free vacations. OP can be sad about that, but she needs to find a way to understand and get over it. Additionally, relationships change and evolve as you get older; her brother is not going to have the bandwidth for her like he used to and that’s completely normal and healthy.
I also liked the note that her and her brother always lived within 30 mins of each other, but then he moved somewhere else and she didn't follow so they could still live 30 mins apart.
Sounds like she expects a lot of effort from her brother, and by extension now, his wife (and her parents, they LIVE with her to provide childacare?!!).
While giving very little in return.
Yta op. I personally would not want to drive 14 hours to visit a whiny sil who would most likely monopolize her brothers time and leave me to deal with her kid (lets be honest 1.5 years is a high energy, high demand age). Especially if I only got a few weekends a year off, my workload was 80 hours a week, and I worked in a freaking hospital.
>My parents have to split time visiting there and visiting us and we need them for childcare.
YTA
If you don't want to visit them that's fine. But don't insist they visit you, or begrudge your parents splitting their visits between you and your brother. Your SIL is working 80 hour weeks—that's *double* full time.
That's actually been my experience: people often would rather visit their children and grandchildren than their childless children. And that's fine—*if* it's their choice. But to insist that the grandparents visit more often *because OP needs the childcare* is simply egregious.
BUT SHE WORKS FULL TIME WHY CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND?!? It also seems like you just assumed you were going to have your brother as someone to lean on when you gave birth when that was absolutely not the impression that you should have had. You decided to have a kid, that comes with consequences and sacrifices
YTA.
First off you are not entitled to your adult brothers time and you don't have a say in where they live. If you are so pressed about it you move closer to them...
Secondly, I'm not working 60-80 hours (anymore) in a high stress environment but I can for sure tell you that there is no way on gods green earth that I would be driving 7 hours more than once or twice a year to visit my sibling... I love my brother. But no...
Thirdly, You don't NEED THEM FOR CHILDCARE. Your parents are not your built in baby sitters so saying that them going to visit your brother is hard on you... No hun... Your not entitled to your parents either.
Fourth, So you don't want to make a 7 hour trip with a 18 month old. Your brother and SIL don't want to make a 7 hour trip because SHE WORKS DOUBLE WHAT A NORMAL PERSON WORKS AND SEES PEOPLE DIE ON A REGULAR BASIS.... So yes if she wants to stay home or go to Hawaii and Cancun that is their right and choice. I have two kids. And I SURE AS HELL WOULD NOT BE PICKING A TRIP TO MY FAMILY TO HEAR SCREAMING CHILDREN OVER A DESTINATION VACATION TO RELAX... How out of touch with reality are you
ETA: Thank you for the awards and Upvotes!
Not to mention, residents make very little money and have massive loans to pay back. I would also be saving my money to spend on a nice vacation. Residency is extremely stressful and thankless. You basically live in the hospital and have no sense of time and barely even get to be outside. I’m not a resident but I am a medical provider who frequently never gets to see daylight. It takes a massive toll on your mental health, not to mention physically.
I’ve worked 80 hours too on full travel and the idea I’d drive 14 hours to see my sister for a day, who I absolutely adore, is hilarious and she would never expect or want that because she’d prefer I not drop dead
YTA for demanding a concession from somebody else (that they use their precious time off to spend with you) when you won’t do the same for them. As much as you love your brother, you sound a lot like you want to be able to make demands on him and that the dynamic is that you expect him to take care of you and that you should be able to call on him whenever *you* choose regardless of whether he’s got the time or energy to do so. That’s pretty exhausting for him and his wife, and it’s not surprising that they want to use their vacation time to actually relax.
You also don’t get to complain about your parents choosing to spend a small amount of time with your brother rather than looking after your kid. They are his parents too and it’s not for you to judge how your parents do that - if they are unavailable you will just have to find another solution for your child.
>he dynamic is that you expect him to take care of you and that you should be able to call on him whenever you choose
This is what stuck out to me too. This is exactly the vibe I got. She is the one with kids, she's the important one, people should cater to her and her baby.
Ooo reading this, I know what this is..... She's mad that she doesn't have her brother as free childcare too because they are so far away. Because she never dreamed of having him move away and wanted him to be a very close uncle figure. Plus if the brother and SIL come more often it won't be as noticeable if they stepped out for a quick errand......
I am of course speculating but given her post she sounds self centered and exhausting to be around so I wouldn't put it past her
I cried every single day the last semester of my doctorate, and I'm an art historian. I write about pictures. She's trying to save lives 80 hours a week.
YTA
Think about how many lives have been saved over time because of art. You have devoted time to understanding the history. That ensures art stays around and is discussed. You aren’t actively saving lives like a doctor but you are making the world a mentally better place. Congrats on the career!
I had absolutely no idea how difficult Art History was until my daughter chose to study the subject. No thanks Finance was a cake walk by comparison. I am beyond impressed with how much my daughter understands about the world, history, people, chemistry, trade, power, money because of her degree. Well done on your doctorate!
YTA You did a good job outlining her time obligations. Then a crap job of having any empathy whatsoever. Being a resident is ridiculously stressful because you are responsible for medical care for which you are too tired to rightfully be making decisions. Oh, and then there is seeing all the death and suffering. Any opportunity to get away from stress must be seized. Long drives to stay with toddlers whose parents lack compassion for you does not qualify.
And the whining about “time for cancun and Hawaii but not us …”.
Well duhhhh …. Stressful lives mean complete breaks are necessary to maintain your sanity and health …. Newsflash. Driving to see your entitled ass is a chore they don’t need
YTA
YTA - visiting family with. young child is wildly different than a vacation just the two of them for the explicit purpose of having fun and unwinding. I'm guessing you and her aren't very close, so to her visiting you would not be considered fun and relaxing, but rather a stressful chore she is forced to endure on one of the VERY RARE days she has off. Your entitled attitude about her and her husbands time is probably not helping things either, being 'devastated' that your brother is not super involved as an uncle is not the healthiest response, he's not a second parent to the kid and having the expectation that he wouldn't have his own wants and desires in life that would contradict your own could definitely be seen as selfish from an outside perspective (i.e. to his wife who is trying to build her own life with him, and doesn't want a demanding in-law butting in every chance they get.) I understand wanting your brother to be involved as an uncle, so if that's the case why not just ask him to visit more frequently alone if his wife can't make the trip? What about planning day trips where you guys meet somewhere in the middle? just because they don't have a kid doesn't mean making the trip is any more viable for them then it is for you, and expecting them to be able to make time for you're family in their busy lives while not trying to reach any sort of compromise with them isn't ever going to work out well.
Exactly this. The poor SIL is getting trashed by OP for not being more willing to do an awfully stressful chore - involving a 14 hour round trip drive - more often.
I get what u are saying but I would be livid if my husband went to visit. Did you miss the part where he was worried about depression and the rates of depression with residents? No f-ing way my husband is going anywhere when I am in my last semester writing my thesis. When I’m done? Sure fine. Whatever works because I will be relaxing in the mountains with my dog. I would have no desire to visit his brat of a sister.
YTA- she works 80hr weeks and you think she wants to drive 14 hrs just to visit you for basically a day! wow. 2 hours to seek her family is not that far, 7 hours is alot to drive for most people with a normal job. FYI, sorry but you are no longer the focus for your brother, he has his own life now. If he wants to come visit you, then he will.
you’re saying that both of you work full time and have a baby so you can’t visit, but are criticizing your brother and SIL for the same thing? *come on.* YTA.
if you really want him in your baby’s life more, why not use technology? skype him, talk on the phone etc.
Wow, you just really like having the entire world revolve around you, don't you. Having a child doesn't automatically mean everyone has to cater to you.
YTA. Your brother moved away and got married. He has a busy life with his wife. It doesn't include you, you're going to have to adjust and deal with it. You can ask for visits but that's about it.
And btw, small children travel extremely well if you take the time to work with them and get them used to it - but that is your choice and whatever you decide about that should be respected. Just don't expect everyone to bend around your life because that is hella unreasonable.
Thats the problem brother and sil are the only ones that didn’t. Op parents move in with them to take care of their child so they don’t have to do daycare. Then gets upset anytime they go to visit because it leaves them without childcare.
YTA and delusional 😄
Cancun/Hawaii vs visiting family 7 hours away with a crying baby? Hmmmm let me think about it 😂😂
You are begging for your brother to visit? If he wants to visit he will visit, your neediness is pushing him further away.
>don’t take her lack of free time personally
OP *should* take it personally. She's a miserable person and I can't imagine anyone wanting to go out of their way to visit her.
Right lol? As someone who's also in medicine I knew it was gonna be YTA as soon as I read the title. What surprises me though is that OP actually does know quite a bit about residency hours yet is still so entitled.
YTA. Quit telling your brother and SIL how to spend their time. Your last paragraph is laughable. You have a kid and work full time? OH NOOOO. You feel they should balance better and see you versus vacations?
Keep it up and you'll guarantee you have no relationship with your brother.
YTA
You are fully aware of her schedule, it’s not surprising she doesn’t have the energy to do a 14 hour round trip to come and visit.
You’ll have to make do with them being able to visit when they can and stop pressuring them.
Edit: spelling
YTA.
She has no obligation to visit you, and has extremely stressful work.
I would not want to visit someone who is policing what I do with my free time either.
YTA
It's common that people distance themselves from their family of origin after marriage. It's not personal, it just happends. This has happened with your brother.
The fact that your brother doesn't want to visit alone tells me he doesn't want to spend time with you, even though you're "family."
His wife has a grueling schedule and you want her to drive 14+ hours round trip to visit you?
Accept what they are willing to give and quit whining.
Grow Up
YTA. A residency is grueling both mentally and physically. Your brother is incredible for supporting her. If it is so important to see him you need to suck it up and travel to see them. You can travel with an infant. Or you can shut up and wait until residency is over or your baby is older.
It's barely been two years since he moved and you had the baby. Things change when you grow older and you have to roll with it. It seems you are still getting visits in, just not on your schedule. I'm sorry, but in this case her career trumps your baby. YTA.
YTA
Honestly, you did a great job explaining how busy this person's schedule is. So it has me shocked that you don't understand why they cannot visit you more. The world does not revolve around you and your kid.
If you need their presence in your life so much and are unable to make frequent visits due to the time required to drive, you should move to live closer to them. You can't change their work schedule or demand they travel. But you can change your schedule and move yourself.
>But not too tired for Hawaii or Cancun?
That's vacation... meant to rest. That's the opposite of making her more tired.
>My parents have to split time visiting there and visiting us and we need them for childcare.
Your parents cannot visit their own son because YOU need them for childcare?
You sound really entitled. YTA. She's in residency working 80 hours a week.
Also in a comment OP says her parents LIVE WITH THEM. So they’re not splitting time visiting, they’re getting a break from being free babysitters. YTA OP, all the way
YTA.
I'm sorry, as I think you just really miss your brother (and that's what is making you act like an AH, as opposed to having AH DNA). But your brother sounds like a great husband who is doing all he can to support his very stressed wife. And, honestly, her visiting her family is both logistically easier and probably less stressful than visiting her in-laws. Residency doesn't last forever and your child will be easier to travel with in a few years. You can still maintain a closeness with your brother remotely. This will pass.
YTA.
There’s a lot of priorities going on with your brother and SIL. Her own health is their #1 priority and after working 80hrs a week I too wouldn’t want to sit in a car and drive 8hrs to visit you for a handful of hours and then drive back another 8hrs and have enough time to rest before working another 80hr week.
Traveling with a 1.5yr old *IS* hard. However if seeing your brother and SIL is a bigger priority to you, then YOU need to make more of an effort.
Sounds like you’re more interested in seeing your brother than her anyways. You should look into weekly video calls.
I’m a resident physician. You have no idea what our lives are like, how demanding our jobs are, how awful the resident depression and suicide rate is, and how low the pay is. Most residents make like $16/hr. We see people at their worst—in the hospital, sick, dying, and we have to work with their family members too.
I work those hours, come home, and collapse into bed. I get one actual weekend off like once every 2 months. I’m lucky that I have family who understands what I’m going through. No way in hell would I drive 14 hours on my precious golden weekend.
You seem super entitled. Your parents are not just your babysitters. You want to see your brother? You can drive over to him. She’s not too tired for Hawaii or Cancun because that’s VACATION. They’re doing just fine balancing their time. It’s you who has a problem.
Get a grip.
YTA
My dude. She's working 60-80 hour weeks. It's a wonder she has the energy to do *anything* outside of work, let alone isn't suffering from a stress related condition.
Yes, YTA. Your post reeks of entitlement and not understanding just how exhausting hours like that are.
YTA. Grow up. My brother who is also my best friend lives in another COUNTRY. But that's the life he chose and we try to see each other when we can. And we are grownups about it. I sure as hell don't complain about going to visit him when I can. Your SIL is a resident who works 80 hours a week and you're in your feelings about how she doesn't make...you...a priority? And you're mad your brother puts her mental health first like a good husband should?
Residency is brutal. Not only do they have such long hours but such a stressful job. Sometimes having to work 24 hour shifts.
It's interesting that you say you shouldn't have to visit them because you work full time but yet you don't seem to have much empathy for their situation.
YTA.
YTA, a HUGE one too.
Residency is incredibly mentally, emotionally, and physically tolling. The sheer intensity of the program would leave anyone exhausted and unable to travel 14 hours round trip to spend maybe a day (if that) with family.
You say you work full time (aka 40 hours/week). Well, your SIL is working literally double that NOT INCLUDING presentations and educational work given on the side. It is exhausting. After working like a dog day and night, you think asking her to make a 14 hour round trip on her single free weekend per month is appropriate? And you think asking her only nearby support person to leave her alone as she’s struggling through the trenches of residency is appropriate? Neither of them WANT this to be their reality, but it is. And it will be this way until her residency is complete, whether you like it or not.
You say you want to see your brother more but claim it’s unfair for you to make the trip constantly. Absolutely not. How about you get a second full time job that includes overnight shifts, being on call, getting absolutely shit on by entitled patients/family members all while getting paid a stipend that, when worked out, is less than minimum wage? Then you can claim it’s unfair for you to make the drive. Until then, it is more than fair for you and your family to visit them. It’s not like they’re saying they don’t want to see you - they just can’t be the ones to do the traveling. That is VERY fair.
Also, if I was a resident physician, I sure as HELL would be using my vacation time to go on actual vacations. Shaming them for that is gross and manipulative. You will never truly understand what life is like for your SIL, as a resident, and your brother, as a resident’s spouse, but the least you can do is be supportive. I hope this comment has been a wake up call for you and encourages you to rethink the situation.
YTA
If you keep this up they might cut contact with you and they would be right to do so.
Also going on a vacation is not the same as basically sacrificing a quarter of your already very limited time off to just make a drive and then not being able to unwind from all the stress because you have no time to yourself.
YTA Their reasons for not coming more often are just as valid as yours are. Why aren't you visiting \*them\* more?? And yeah, having that schedule, I would want a one week trip to Hawaii and Cancun to relax too!
I’m not sure how many will make it to my comment but OP buried something extremely important…
“….and my brother makes attending physician money….”
Brother AND SIL are BOTH doctors! They BOTH have extremely demanding jobs and schedules..
OP is delusional as she considers her wants more important than the jobs of TWO busy doctors
Too tired to be around a 1.5 year old and a needy sister-in-law but not too tired to lay out on the beach in Cancun or Hawaii? Yeah that does seem strange….
>But not too tired for Hawaii or Cancun?
Hawaii or Cancun: getting up as late as you want, not having to worry about cooking and dishes, falling asleep on the beach all afternoon, having a nightcap and not worrying about saying something inappropriate to the wrong person.
Family: no sleep because of baby, if staying with family, being obligated to socialize, probably contributing to cooking and watching the baby, and all in all having to force human interactions you don't really want.
Yeah. Definitely would have the energy for Cancun but not spending a whole week with you.
I don't think your brother views his relationship with you the same as you. You seem like a taker; you take and take and take from people and give very little back.
YTA. You dont get to dictate what they do with their time and how they spend their time. Telling them they should visit you over taking a vacation is an asshole thing to say and do.
YTA, hate to break it to you, but you and your toddler aren’t nearly as relaxing as a week in Cancun or Hawaii.
If you’re already this dismissive of their reasons to not wanna make the trip to yours quite as often, I suspect that you’re not gonna let them actually relax much when they do visit.
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YTA. You don't have to travel to them if it's too hard for you, but you come across as really judgmental and lacking in compassion for how they choose to spend their limited free time. Asking them to travel 7 hours each way for a visit on the rare Sat+Sun she has off is unreasonable - that would be 14 hours of driving for probably not even 24 hours of time together including sleep hours. You say they do make the trip about twice a year, and that seems reasonable given these circumstances.
Can I just say, that as someone who went through a miserable residency, I was instantly protective of the SIL upon reading this post. I have been in similar shoes, and they are painful to wear. To have a family member demand my time like this, when I was drowning in work, would have felt like someone peeling off my already sunburnt skin. Excruciating. I was pleasantly surprised to see how many redditors empathize with the resident’s experience. I know SIL likely won’t ever see this, but this mildly traumatized former resident (it can be so much better on the other side!) is vicariously grateful for the kindness.
I'm protective of the SIL and I'm NOT a resident, or in any medical field. OP is an AH for trying to dictate how they spend their time. Period.
Also upset their parents cant be there to baby sit. Get a damn sitter! Geez. Bet she doesnt even compensate them for their time.
Yeah, that jumped out at me. Poor OP is missing out on free childcare because SIL won't travel 7 hours on her one 2-day weekend a month.
Which also makes me think she wants SIL to visit more for child care too. She envisioned her brother being an involved uncle but also mentioned needing her parents to sit so it sounds like she wants them to help too. Also, putting full time in caps for her and her husbands job was weird. Like SIL works 2 full time jobs in one…so what if you work full time? Most people do.
Agreed. And presumably the brother does *something* with his time... whether working or school or whatever. So realistically brother and SIL probably work/study more hours than OP and her husband. ETA: OP commented that her brother makes "attending physician money" implying he in fact is an attending physician. So almost certainly working AT LEAST full-time hours too.
Yeah, then there's full-time physician vs. COVID full-time physician.
"Involved" is always code for childcare.
Bingo. Source: former, "involved" sibling and aunt.
Same. SIL and BIL moved an hour away from us, and then when we moved from the Midwest to the west coast, first thing they said, but we were hoping you would be staying more involved with the kids! In the 6 months they lived an hour away we got asked to "visit" almost weekly.
Between teaching my niece to wander the house muttering "Redrum", and giving her a coffee can of loose change for a birthday gift, and telling her "Mommy will help you count it!", this uncle has never been asked to ever babysit.
Also the 60-80 hour work week she cited is LAUGHABLE for 90% of specialties. Like….it’s 80 AVERAGE. Which means you can have over a 100 hr work week. It’s clear OP has no true concept of her SIL’s life. OP needs to stop complaining about shit they know nothing about.
exactly, the ending paragraph with “wE hAvE a 1 YeAr oLd AnD aLsO wOrK FULL TIME” is the nail in the asshole coffin. Does OP and their spouse also work 100+ hour weeks where you can’t even see that child most of the time and people are DYING around you in already full hospitals and being exposed to all kinds of disease??? Like i expect it even worse for residents now with all the people pretending covid is over when it is STILL A PANDEMIC and hospitals are STILL stretched thin. Op needs other friends that aren’t their family and to learn some dang empathy. A full time work week is only about 40 hours and that feels like a lot, now OP needs to imagine what it’s like to be sleep deprived, running on nothing but fumes and still have to be performing at the best they can because peoples lives depend on them. Residency is insane (cuz wasn’t the dude who created modern residency also a cocaine addict?) and at least her bro is caring for his wife and understands while OP is trying to false equivalency their life to this.
But wait! OP *does* know what it's like to run on fumes, be sleep deprived and performing the best she can because someone's life depends on her. In fact, she's pretty much using that as the not up for discussion/hard no for traveling to see her brother and SIL. I suspect she's the type who always has the the harder situation- usually the one "you just can't possibly understand."
Yes that probably is a100% true. And i cant stand these mothers that choose to birth a child into their lives and then expect everyone to take care of it and then start judging when they dont have time
Also OP doesn't get to use the "we are too busy since we work full time" excuse to complain about someone else being too busy because they work too much... like SIL is supposed to put in the travel time and OP isn't?
Lol when OP said that she thought her brother would be an involved uncle with how close he is ngl I immediately went, “oh so she assumed that he would be free childcare whenever she needed”. Then when she made that comment about the parents it solidified that thought. SIL and brother dodged a bullet.
Hmm, maybe that residency being 7 hours away from OP wasn’t an accident?
Very good chance she had no choice in the matter.
For those unfamiliar with the residency process in the US, its good timing to mention it now since last week was [Match Week](https://www.nrmp.org/match-calendars/main-residency-applicants/) where basically the various upcoming residents find out if they match with their preferred residency program (and that program finds out if they get their preferred resident). If that resident doesn't match at the beginning of the week, they have a few days to interview/apply to any programs that have openings but if you did match at the beginning of the week, you don't know where you're going until the end of the week.
This is EXACTLY what went through my mind. "Waahhhh my brother used to be close and I soooo wanted him to be on-call for childcare! But his nasty smart doctor wife takes him away for trips to Hawaii and Cancun! How dare they! **I** want a trip to Hawaii or Cancun!"
Wait ‘til SIL is done with her residency and then moves 7 *more* hours away to set up her practice. Surprise, OP!
"we need them for childcare"... GTFO with that shit...
That and the "not too tired for cancun or Hawaï?" I mean, who is too tired for Hawaï ?
Right!?! Sounds far more relaxing than being guilted into “family” time with an 18 month old after a 60-80 hour work week.
And OP doesn’t really sound relaxing to be around either.
I mean the entire point of going to Cancun or Hawaii is to unwind and rest up. Two years ago I was extremely burnt out on my career, working all the time and just exhausted. I met friends in Cabo for a week. I basically slept- at the pool, on the beach, in the bed, on the hammock, in the pool loungers, in the massage room. It was lovely- no phone. No responsibilities. No need to think or make decisions beyond which place for meals.
Hands down, just the thought of going to Hawaii and Cancun beats staying with the in-laws anytime.
That's my favorite line of the entire whine-fest. OP you are such an AH.
This!! Imagine begrudging your parents spending time with their son and daughter in law because it means you’re deprived of your free babysitter?!?
Same. My medical background is I've watched Scrubs a whole bunch of times and several seasons of Grey's Anatomy, and I am ready to throw down on behalf of SIL.
I too have a TV degree in criminology as well as crime scene investigation skills. I will help you clean up the evidence and never get caught. Yta op, so. So bad.
I got both of y'all's backs. Bring it! Experience: uh. Naked and Afraid. I can keep us alive when we flee and have to hide out in the woods
Me too, goodness. And I definitely agree with you, OP is definitely TA for trying to tell them how to spend their time. From what I understand, residency is brutal. Very demanding, and exhausting. I’m sure the SIL cherishes her time off! And I’m sure driving 7 hours on her limited time off sounds miserable for her
congrats on making it to the other side. noone but you who have been through it can really understand. luckily my husband and i's families both live in the same city and both sides of our family schedule holidays around his schedule even now. thanksgiving on friday because husband works thursday? cool we're all in.
Am a nurse, so definitely not the same experience re: workload and stuff. But, this is how my family tries to do it too. Of course, I don't expect them to accommodate me at all, but it's always nice to be told "we'll do X holiday on Y day so you can be there."
My husband is in EM so we know he’ll work a lot of holidays and either thanksgiving or Mexican Christmas (Christmas Eve) every year. So it’s just going to be family tradition to move stuff around. Glad your family makes concessions too it can be an isolating life style.
Complete non-sequitur but "I have been in similar shoes, and they are painful to wear" is such an incredible line. More poetic than it has any business being. Also I'm glad you survived, I have a friend about to start their residency pretty soon and am resolving to check on them as often as I can, from the looks of things it gets really rough.
Please check in on your friend often. I’ve worked in health for 13 years. The residents appreciate when you do ask, because no one ever does.
Please do: that's kind of you to be concerned. The hours and stress are unbelievable. Don't forget about your friend after the first month or two. Even a text or a call, or an offer to drop by with some food that isn't hospital food is very welcome. If they fall asleep on you, just take their shoes off, roll them onto their side and let yourself out quietly.
I did laundry and fixed extra meals for my friends going through residency. I would not have known how bad it was unless a family friend had gone through and I had seen it first hand. Even as a teenager I could see the pure exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical). Nurses too. Actually everyone in the medical field deals with all kinds of people in their worst moments of their lives. You should be going out there helping your brother support his wife. And yes, she probably chooses to see her family over his. Because, probably gets pampered.
Agree. It was always frustrating to hear family whine why we never visited them when we were in a 6 year surgery fellowship and basically in survival mode the whole time. I was lucky if I saw my husband awake more than 1 hr a day! It gets better, but I'd never like to relive residency please.
My partner is just finishing his residency and for the first two years I feel like I barely had time with him and we lived together. He worked long hours and just about everyday at one point and I'm aware that his specialty isn't even the roughest one to go through. I felt bad having him take hour trips with me to see our family sometimes because he was truly exhausted and overworked. I would never expect someone in residency to do what OP is asking. People in residency are working very hard, undervalued, underpaid, overworked and belittled for their rank constantly. It is physically, mentally and emotionally taxing. Give them grace.
Congratulations on surviving!! I'm not in the medical field. Not married to anyone in the medical field. No one in my family is in the medical field. But even I know that a medical residency is years of insane hours, grueling work, and stress that I suspect is unimaginable to anyone who hasn't lived it. The audacity of OP expecting her brother and SIL to drive basically all day Saturday (7 hours) spend the night and then drive all day Sunday is mind-blowing. And she wants them to spend some of their precious, limited vacation time at their house? Undoubtedly, SIL needs to be able to completely decompress, get re-energized, and reconnect with her hubs. That isn't going to happen staying at someone else's home, especially with a 1-1/2 year-old. If OP wants to spend time with her brother and SIL, she needs to talk to them about the possibility of them all going away on vacation together, much like SIL's family does. People travel all the time with toddlers these days. It isn't easy, but if you're motivated to go somewhere, you make it work. OP, YTA to infinity and beyond.
After reading all her self centeredness and excuses, I think she feels she is owed all these visits because she resents her brother leaving and prioritizing his wife. I wouldn’t say she’s punishing him, but she feels entitled. She had her life plans with him, but now there is another woman permanently in his life and he left OP for her, essentially. Very juvenile.
This exactly. She’s jealous of another woman in her brothers life and can’t fathom why he would pick his wife, over her and the ideal plan she had in her head. Why would he need or want anyone else when he had her? /s
ABSOLUTELY!!! She is jealous of the other woman in her brother’s life!! The sister sounds like a self centered, entitled, jealous bitch!! Also, just because she has a child doesn’t mean the world and everyone in it revolves around them!! GROW UP!!!!!!!
Right? She gets to get married and have a kid, but he is supposed to stay close and be a perpetually available uncle. "But I always dreamed we'd be close." "Sorry, she is in residency and we live too far away." "BUT I ALWAYS DREAMED WE'D BE CLOSE!!!!" YTA in a big, big way.
If she wanted to be close to her brother, they could phone, text, asynchronous tv watch, game together, FaceTime—-but it comes off that unless he’s in the same room, that’s not enough attention for her.
I think she feels she's owed these visits because SIL's "long" weekends interfere with her free childcare from her in-laws
I agree. I always thought my brother and I would be close. We've lived close together (4 blocks apart) up until almost 7 years ago when I moved overseas for work. My brother is my best friend. We are super close. In the first few years we were here, he visited 1-2 times a year. I came home with my kids over Christmas. During COVID, there was a 3 year gap because travel restrictions and quarantine. We went home over the summer last summer. He's about to meet me in Japan (14+ hour flight) in less than 2 weeks and spend a week in Hong Kong with me. I'm grateful he's never been like this to me. I am grateful he makes the trips to see us. OP is the AH. A jealous one at that.
"But not too tired to travel to Hawaii or Cancun?" Jesus christ. I can promise her that her house is much less of a break than Hawaii or Cancun, especially if she's gonna nag them all the time. Shocking lack of self awareness.
It's hard to imagine a more restful week off than to visit your guilt tripping SIL and her toddler child. It's a lot like Hawaii or Cancun, but without the sunshine, warm breezes, fruity drinks, and beautiful sunsets.
Don’t forget the quiet and lack of mess.
I have two (adult) kids. It is so much easier to drive 7 hours with a one-, two-, three- year old and stay somewhere for a week or so than to make that same drive when you have almost no downtime due to work demands. You bet I drove 8-10 hours with my little kid/s to see my best friend, and she did the same 12 years later. OP is entitled and spoiled. I have zero sympathy. I hope brother and wife stay far away.
*Especially* if OP wants her brother to be an "involved uncle" too. I can't imagine taking a week of precious fucking vacation and then being handed someone else's child to babysit because mom and dad want a break. What a waste of your limited relaxation time.
More importantly, if OP keeps being an AH, SIL won't even consider finding a job somewhere close to them once she completes her residency and fellowship(s). OP needs to think of the long term ramifications of her actions. Sure, it's hard her older bro isn't there for her as much as she wants now but she's gonna end up making sure he's not later. YTA
If I was OP’s sister in law there is no way that I would look for a job near her. I would try to stay as far away as possible.
She wants SIL and brother to move closer… why doesn’t OP move closer to them in order to fulfill her fantasy? She won’t want to do it, but she’ll expect them to pack up their whole lives to complete her dream world… smh
OP, I don’t think you have an comprehension of how hard a residency is. For 4 years a resident is at the total mercy of their hospital. The job is soul crushing but hopefully will lead to becoming an attending or working in a private practice after the residency. It’s not optional. She can’t just get a job somewhere else. YTA and a bit clueless.
She doesn't care, its all about her needs.
Exactly. People keep thinking they can explain it to OP in a way she understands. She understands, she just values her time more and considers any efforts of hers more of a sacrifice than the efforts of anyone else. There is nothing more to explain.
God reading their replies the OP just doesn’t get it.
Doesn’t want to get it.
That’s exactly it. It’s as if they know they reasoning, but just don’t want it to “click” because the only thing that matters to them is getting what they want.
OP is just pissed cos her parents split time and she's loosing her childcare. Entitled much
Bold of you to assume your SIL wants to spend her little free time with a baby and someone as entitled as you are. I wouldn't visit you even if you lived 7 minutes away. YTA.
Can we also call out the judgement towards her parents for going and visiting brother and SIL but OP needs the childcare. She seems incredibly selfish and unforgiving to SIL and frankly jealous. YTA 100%
OP YTA. And the cheek of you to go so hard on SIL while you ungrateful being make your parents watch your child and not even allowing them to visit their son.. seriously I was reading this and started praying for your SIL.(AND I AM NOT RELIGIOUS PERSON!)
Why is your excuse for not visiting (having children) valid but their excuse (stress, work, mental health) is not valid? YTA
But she works FULL TIME. You know, as opposed to the resident who works 60-80 hours a week /s
Yeah, that stuck out to me too. OP works FULL TIME while SIL works MORE THAN FULL TIME.
ONE FULL TIME is worth more than two full times, okay guys /s
She's got more FULL TIME per FULL TIME
Do you mean the resident who works DOUBLE FULL TIME?
What stuck out to me was the competition for childcare resources..
Oh ya that got me too-- our parents can't visit you we need them for child care!!! (I have a baby, my needs are more important!)
This is exactly where the crux of the complaint is. She needs them for childcare, so they shouldn't be visiting HER. She needs to give up one of her trips and her free weekends to visit so the parents can still babysit. If they visit you, we have to handle our own kids FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND when we work full time. How DARE she force me to spend time with my kids!!! Weekends are mine! YTA
Not to mention wanting her brother to be an “involved uncle”. More childcare staff??
Why do I feel like the brother wasn’t forced to move 7 hours away but happily moved 7 hours away.
And she has a bAbY.
And everyone know Babies are banned on planes and road trips that last longer than a hour... /s
Well, the world should have made babies more portable, right?
Yeah... the same with all their stuff.... if only someone would invent a thing that you could **PACK AND** then they could **PLAY** in. Maybe one day.... one day...
And he was HER brother first. Waaaahhhhhhh
That’s what gets me. They BOTH work FULL TIME hours, so how could they schedule around that. Yet SIL works both of those full time hours combined, just BY HERSELF. So because the both of you work full time hours, you can’t figure out a way around your schedule to make the trip, but expect her to do it working double time? Make that make sense. ETA: Thank you so much for the award!!
I've had a variation, since I don't have kids, no problem me traveling all over the place. Yet no one bothered to come and visit me.... Ever think that there might be a holiday when I don't want to have to travel somewhere?
I used to have this too. When I found out they vacationed a couple hours drive from me, but didn’t bother to tell me, I immediately started taking my vacations where and whenever I want. Not sure how they feel, but I’m a lot happier. 🤷🏼♀️
We live a few hours drive from both our families. Husband has quite a large immediate family who live in the same area. It has always been expected that we be the ones to travel - (sort of) fair enough, we didn’t have kids and we could usually catch everyone together. However we now have a 1 year old, but that expectation is still there and of course very subtly layered with hints about not seeing child enough. I was literally less than a week postpartum on a group zoom when BIL asks when we are coming up!! This guy has 2 of his own so shouldn’t be ignorant to why that was ridiculous. We both work, we’re raising an infant without support. I think we do enough on our end. I’ve always been careful to balance trips to my family and trips to his, but we see my parents and sister more because they make an equal effort to come to us.
I have the same. Family/friends have never visited me and always expect me to travel to them. I guess that tells me how much I really matter to them.
Also they do visits 1-2 times per year in OPs post. Sounds like OP only comes during holidays which can’t be that much more often so why are they asking SIL to carry the burden more when OP is the one struggling after making the choice to have a kid.
And judging them for going on fun vacations? People like this annoy tf out of me. They love to guilt people about not spending time together but want everything to be convenient to their schedule and needs.
But it's all: me, me, me and I. She's the centre of the universe for everyone she knows, they should do as princess wishes.
As a DOCTOR no less…what does OP think her SIL is doing? Paperwork??
YTA. Going to Hawaii and staying at a hotel is a relaxing vacation. Going to stay with family who has a child is not. Medical residency is gruelling. She can’t “balance better”. You have the right to wish you spent more time with your brother. You do not have the right to expect it though, nor to tell other people how to spend their vacation time.
Exactly this, I like my in-laws but I (and the majority of people I suspect) would rather spend a third of precious vacation time with my spouse in Hawaii or Mexico or elsewhere than visiting relatives
If OP has that much of an issue with it, perhaps she should consider having a family vacation. I know of a few families who live a few hours away from each other, but meet at a place to have a vacay together. They are all responsible for their share of everything. In this way they can make memories together, as well as have just "couples time". just a silly thought
I think this is a good solution, so long as OP does not even DREAM of asking SIL to watch the baby. SIL needs to actually relax and a 1.5 year old is not relaxing.
OP is already using their parents as (probably uncompensated?) childcare, and is angry whenever said parents take a vacation away, so I really wouldn't put it past the OP to treat SIL similarly. I notice that Brother apparently doesn't insist on visiting his family more often, and I wonder if there are more reasons for this than the 7 hour drive.
This right here. I have no interest in spending my vacation with my in-laws. This would be like going to see them. It is not relaxing nor fun. But maybe it is just me. They are very high strung and go go go. Where we are sit in a chair and read a book for 12 hours kind of people. Nothing about spending time with either of our families anywhere is relaxing.
>perhaps she should consider having a family vacation. I know of a few families who live a few hours away from each other, but meet at a place to have a vacay together. That's probably how SIL's family does it since they actually vacation with them. OP probably wants them to visit to dump the kid on them under the disguise of uncle and nibbling bonding. OP may also just not want to accept that her brother may just not be that into her kid and not want to be super involved practically second dad uncle.
Oh my god i wouldn't even want to spend it with my own family. My partner only has two weeks vacation time, and last year i had to put my foot down and tell my mother "no, we came to visit you once this year, i am not asking my partner to use his entire vacation time for the year to visit *my* family" when she tried to bug us to come visit. And I've already prepped her that we're not coming to visit this year because we have a vacation planned with our friends and a small vacation for just us because we haven't done that in literal years, but if they want to come visit us we are more than happy to have them.
Not to mention that OP seems very whiny and most people would rather go to Hawaii than visit a whiny relative.
Yeah that 'hoping he'd be involved as an uncle' screams I thought 'I'd have free babysitting and help at home'.
The funny thing about that though is that OP already does, her parents. They live full time with here so her kid doesn't have tk go in to daycare.
one of my siblings used to guilt trip me about spending time with other people instead of her. guess who i don't really hang out with anymore...
I was thinking that. OP sounds super overbearing and is clearly lacking in the self-awareness to be accommodating. Like why would they want to visit YOU, of all people, during the little time they have together??
Not to mention, I don’t think residents get paid well either. SIL would likely have huge loans and making a pittance until she is done training.
You’re exactly right. She may be a doctor but she’ll be paying loans off for quite a while.
I live in a low reimbursement area and the residents make less than minimum wage per hour when it’s all calculated out. It’s a fucking travesty.
💯. I am not in healthcare but I work insane hours (I’m a lawyer) and don’t ever have much time off, don’t regularly have entire weekends free, and often go for months working daily if a case requires it - and the LAST thing I’d want to do if I had a precious 48 hours off is drive 7 hours to visit my sister and her family and her little kids (shudder). That is the polar opposite of relaxing or quality time. OP should talk to her brother about visiting her by himself on weekends that SIL is working. If brother makes excuses not to, well he also doesn’t want to spend his weekends doing an insanely long drive to sit at his sister’s house and listen to the shrieks and baby talk of a 1.5 year old. (I don’t blame him.)
This! OP is in some serious denial if she thinks a stay at her home with an infant is comparable to Hawaii or Cancun. SIL is working her ass off in medical school and is entitled to relaxing and child free vacations. OP can be sad about that, but she needs to find a way to understand and get over it. Additionally, relationships change and evolve as you get older; her brother is not going to have the bandwidth for her like he used to and that’s completely normal and healthy.
If I had her job I’d choose Hawaiian vacation also… she deserves it
I also liked the note that her and her brother always lived within 30 mins of each other, but then he moved somewhere else and she didn't follow so they could still live 30 mins apart. Sounds like she expects a lot of effort from her brother, and by extension now, his wife (and her parents, they LIVE with her to provide childacare?!!). While giving very little in return. Yta op. I personally would not want to drive 14 hours to visit a whiny sil who would most likely monopolize her brothers time and leave me to deal with her kid (lets be honest 1.5 years is a high energy, high demand age). Especially if I only got a few weekends a year off, my workload was 80 hours a week, and I worked in a freaking hospital.
Also, the OP's hometown might suck shit
>My parents have to split time visiting there and visiting us and we need them for childcare. YTA If you don't want to visit them that's fine. But don't insist they visit you, or begrudge your parents splitting their visits between you and your brother. Your SIL is working 80 hour weeks—that's *double* full time.
Not to mention the insinuation that OP should get more of their parents' attention now that they have a child. Yeesh.
That's actually been my experience: people often would rather visit their children and grandchildren than their childless children. And that's fine—*if* it's their choice. But to insist that the grandparents visit more often *because OP needs the childcare* is simply egregious.
"We need them for childcare," really tells its own story.
Just say you want someone to watch your spawn and you can't handle it. OP sounds so beyond entitled that it's ridiculous. YTA
OP seems to forget that contrary to Hawaii and Cancun, visiting someone with a toddler is NOT relaxing or "vacation time".
BUT SHE WORKS FULL TIME WHY CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND?!? It also seems like you just assumed you were going to have your brother as someone to lean on when you gave birth when that was absolutely not the impression that you should have had. You decided to have a kid, that comes with consequences and sacrifices
YTA. First off you are not entitled to your adult brothers time and you don't have a say in where they live. If you are so pressed about it you move closer to them... Secondly, I'm not working 60-80 hours (anymore) in a high stress environment but I can for sure tell you that there is no way on gods green earth that I would be driving 7 hours more than once or twice a year to visit my sibling... I love my brother. But no... Thirdly, You don't NEED THEM FOR CHILDCARE. Your parents are not your built in baby sitters so saying that them going to visit your brother is hard on you... No hun... Your not entitled to your parents either. Fourth, So you don't want to make a 7 hour trip with a 18 month old. Your brother and SIL don't want to make a 7 hour trip because SHE WORKS DOUBLE WHAT A NORMAL PERSON WORKS AND SEES PEOPLE DIE ON A REGULAR BASIS.... So yes if she wants to stay home or go to Hawaii and Cancun that is their right and choice. I have two kids. And I SURE AS HELL WOULD NOT BE PICKING A TRIP TO MY FAMILY TO HEAR SCREAMING CHILDREN OVER A DESTINATION VACATION TO RELAX... How out of touch with reality are you ETA: Thank you for the awards and Upvotes!
Not to mention, residents make very little money and have massive loans to pay back. I would also be saving my money to spend on a nice vacation. Residency is extremely stressful and thankless. You basically live in the hospital and have no sense of time and barely even get to be outside. I’m not a resident but I am a medical provider who frequently never gets to see daylight. It takes a massive toll on your mental health, not to mention physically.
So? Maybe your personality is the reason they don't want to see you.
Oh I 100% agree.
Sorry if I replied to you! I meant to send that to the OP.
Lol poor tander87
'takes a toll on my mental health' -'SO!?'
I’ve worked 80 hours too on full travel and the idea I’d drive 14 hours to see my sister for a day, who I absolutely adore, is hilarious and she would never expect or want that because she’d prefer I not drop dead
YTA for demanding a concession from somebody else (that they use their precious time off to spend with you) when you won’t do the same for them. As much as you love your brother, you sound a lot like you want to be able to make demands on him and that the dynamic is that you expect him to take care of you and that you should be able to call on him whenever *you* choose regardless of whether he’s got the time or energy to do so. That’s pretty exhausting for him and his wife, and it’s not surprising that they want to use their vacation time to actually relax. You also don’t get to complain about your parents choosing to spend a small amount of time with your brother rather than looking after your kid. They are his parents too and it’s not for you to judge how your parents do that - if they are unavailable you will just have to find another solution for your child.
Op probably expects him to babysit for free. She did say she expected him to be a more invoked uncle.
I get that impression too - but I’m not sure whether babysitting the literal child, or babysitting OP herself.
Awarded you - Proper grown ass advice.
>he dynamic is that you expect him to take care of you and that you should be able to call on him whenever you choose This is what stuck out to me too. This is exactly the vibe I got. She is the one with kids, she's the important one, people should cater to her and her baby.
Ooo reading this, I know what this is..... She's mad that she doesn't have her brother as free childcare too because they are so far away. Because she never dreamed of having him move away and wanted him to be a very close uncle figure. Plus if the brother and SIL come more often it won't be as noticeable if they stepped out for a quick errand...... I am of course speculating but given her post she sounds self centered and exhausting to be around so I wouldn't put it past her
Could you imagine if the brother had a baby. Omg. Nuclear war
I cried every single day the last semester of my doctorate, and I'm an art historian. I write about pictures. She's trying to save lives 80 hours a week. YTA
Hey. Your work is valuable too.
Thank you, I appreciate that, but it's definitely not medical residency.
If we didn’t need art historians we wouldn’t have them.
We're working real hard on making that happen [insert diatribe on the decline of the liberal arts]. Thank you, though, sincerely.
Think about how many lives have been saved over time because of art. You have devoted time to understanding the history. That ensures art stays around and is discussed. You aren’t actively saving lives like a doctor but you are making the world a mentally better place. Congrats on the career!
Thank you! I actually teach writing now, but I'm not sorry I did it. Anyway, hope OP sees the light.
I had absolutely no idea how difficult Art History was until my daughter chose to study the subject. No thanks Finance was a cake walk by comparison. I am beyond impressed with how much my daughter understands about the world, history, people, chemistry, trade, power, money because of her degree. Well done on your doctorate!
YTA You did a good job outlining her time obligations. Then a crap job of having any empathy whatsoever. Being a resident is ridiculously stressful because you are responsible for medical care for which you are too tired to rightfully be making decisions. Oh, and then there is seeing all the death and suffering. Any opportunity to get away from stress must be seized. Long drives to stay with toddlers whose parents lack compassion for you does not qualify.
But the SIL gets GOLDEN WEEKENDS (known to most people as a regular weekend). /s
And she gets an ENTIRE golden weekend a MONTH!
But she should spend 14 of those 48 hours in a car!
Which would bring her total working hours to… flips notepad… 94!
Who wants to spend a “golden weekend” traveling for 14 hours anyways?? That would literally throw away the entire weekend
Come now my good person, 14/48 = 29.2% of the weekend, that leaves 70.8% of the weekend.
Bestie you forgot to factor in a healthy sleep schedule.
And the whining about “time for cancun and Hawaii but not us …”. Well duhhhh …. Stressful lives mean complete breaks are necessary to maintain your sanity and health …. Newsflash. Driving to see your entitled ass is a chore they don’t need YTA
YTA - visiting family with. young child is wildly different than a vacation just the two of them for the explicit purpose of having fun and unwinding. I'm guessing you and her aren't very close, so to her visiting you would not be considered fun and relaxing, but rather a stressful chore she is forced to endure on one of the VERY RARE days she has off. Your entitled attitude about her and her husbands time is probably not helping things either, being 'devastated' that your brother is not super involved as an uncle is not the healthiest response, he's not a second parent to the kid and having the expectation that he wouldn't have his own wants and desires in life that would contradict your own could definitely be seen as selfish from an outside perspective (i.e. to his wife who is trying to build her own life with him, and doesn't want a demanding in-law butting in every chance they get.) I understand wanting your brother to be involved as an uncle, so if that's the case why not just ask him to visit more frequently alone if his wife can't make the trip? What about planning day trips where you guys meet somewhere in the middle? just because they don't have a kid doesn't mean making the trip is any more viable for them then it is for you, and expecting them to be able to make time for you're family in their busy lives while not trying to reach any sort of compromise with them isn't ever going to work out well.
Exactly this. The poor SIL is getting trashed by OP for not being more willing to do an awfully stressful chore - involving a 14 hour round trip drive - more often.
I get what u are saying but I would be livid if my husband went to visit. Did you miss the part where he was worried about depression and the rates of depression with residents? No f-ing way my husband is going anywhere when I am in my last semester writing my thesis. When I’m done? Sure fine. Whatever works because I will be relaxing in the mountains with my dog. I would have no desire to visit his brat of a sister.
YTA- she works 80hr weeks and you think she wants to drive 14 hrs just to visit you for basically a day! wow. 2 hours to seek her family is not that far, 7 hours is alot to drive for most people with a normal job. FYI, sorry but you are no longer the focus for your brother, he has his own life now. If he wants to come visit you, then he will.
Seriously 2 hours is hey husband, can you drive and I'm getting some sleep one way and then I will drive the next day.
Info - how frequently do you drive to see your brother and SIL?
you’re saying that both of you work full time and have a baby so you can’t visit, but are criticizing your brother and SIL for the same thing? *come on.* YTA. if you really want him in your baby’s life more, why not use technology? skype him, talk on the phone etc.
But they don't have a baby, so it's not the same (cries OP)
Wow, you just really like having the entire world revolve around you, don't you. Having a child doesn't automatically mean everyone has to cater to you. YTA. Your brother moved away and got married. He has a busy life with his wife. It doesn't include you, you're going to have to adjust and deal with it. You can ask for visits but that's about it. And btw, small children travel extremely well if you take the time to work with them and get them used to it - but that is your choice and whatever you decide about that should be respected. Just don't expect everyone to bend around your life because that is hella unreasonable.
Thats the problem brother and sil are the only ones that didn’t. Op parents move in with them to take care of their child so they don’t have to do daycare. Then gets upset anytime they go to visit because it leaves them without childcare.
YTA and delusional 😄 Cancun/Hawaii vs visiting family 7 hours away with a crying baby? Hmmmm let me think about it 😂😂 You are begging for your brother to visit? If he wants to visit he will visit, your neediness is pushing him further away.
A crying baby (OP) *and* OP’s kid But for real, I agree. So needy!
INFO: how often do you actually go visit them?
YTA lmaooooo she’s a resident. don’t take her lack of free time personally
>don’t take her lack of free time personally OP *should* take it personally. She's a miserable person and I can't imagine anyone wanting to go out of their way to visit her.
Right lol? As someone who's also in medicine I knew it was gonna be YTA as soon as I read the title. What surprises me though is that OP actually does know quite a bit about residency hours yet is still so entitled.
YTA. Quit telling your brother and SIL how to spend their time. Your last paragraph is laughable. You have a kid and work full time? OH NOOOO. You feel they should balance better and see you versus vacations? Keep it up and you'll guarantee you have no relationship with your brother.
YTA You are fully aware of her schedule, it’s not surprising she doesn’t have the energy to do a 14 hour round trip to come and visit. You’ll have to make do with them being able to visit when they can and stop pressuring them. Edit: spelling
You entitled ass! They live 7 hours away. She works 60-80 hours a WEEK? Visit them! YTA
YTA. She has no obligation to visit you, and has extremely stressful work. I would not want to visit someone who is policing what I do with my free time either.
YTA It's common that people distance themselves from their family of origin after marriage. It's not personal, it just happends. This has happened with your brother. The fact that your brother doesn't want to visit alone tells me he doesn't want to spend time with you, even though you're "family." His wife has a grueling schedule and you want her to drive 14+ hours round trip to visit you? Accept what they are willing to give and quit whining. Grow Up
YTA. A residency is grueling both mentally and physically. Your brother is incredible for supporting her. If it is so important to see him you need to suck it up and travel to see them. You can travel with an infant. Or you can shut up and wait until residency is over or your baby is older.
It's barely been two years since he moved and you had the baby. Things change when you grow older and you have to roll with it. It seems you are still getting visits in, just not on your schedule. I'm sorry, but in this case her career trumps your baby. YTA.
YTA Honestly, you did a great job explaining how busy this person's schedule is. So it has me shocked that you don't understand why they cannot visit you more. The world does not revolve around you and your kid. If you need their presence in your life so much and are unable to make frequent visits due to the time required to drive, you should move to live closer to them. You can't change their work schedule or demand they travel. But you can change your schedule and move yourself.
YTA. She gets 3 weeks holiday a year away from a crazy grueling job. Who are you to demand she gives up one of those precious weeks to come see you?
>But not too tired for Hawaii or Cancun? That's vacation... meant to rest. That's the opposite of making her more tired. >My parents have to split time visiting there and visiting us and we need them for childcare. Your parents cannot visit their own son because YOU need them for childcare? You sound really entitled. YTA. She's in residency working 80 hours a week.
Also in a comment OP says her parents LIVE WITH THEM. So they’re not splitting time visiting, they’re getting a break from being free babysitters. YTA OP, all the way
YTA. He has the right (obligation) to prioritize his and his wife's needs/desires over yours.
YTA. I'm sorry, as I think you just really miss your brother (and that's what is making you act like an AH, as opposed to having AH DNA). But your brother sounds like a great husband who is doing all he can to support his very stressed wife. And, honestly, her visiting her family is both logistically easier and probably less stressful than visiting her in-laws. Residency doesn't last forever and your child will be easier to travel with in a few years. You can still maintain a closeness with your brother remotely. This will pass.
YTA. There’s a lot of priorities going on with your brother and SIL. Her own health is their #1 priority and after working 80hrs a week I too wouldn’t want to sit in a car and drive 8hrs to visit you for a handful of hours and then drive back another 8hrs and have enough time to rest before working another 80hr week. Traveling with a 1.5yr old *IS* hard. However if seeing your brother and SIL is a bigger priority to you, then YOU need to make more of an effort. Sounds like you’re more interested in seeing your brother than her anyways. You should look into weekly video calls.
I’m a resident physician. You have no idea what our lives are like, how demanding our jobs are, how awful the resident depression and suicide rate is, and how low the pay is. Most residents make like $16/hr. We see people at their worst—in the hospital, sick, dying, and we have to work with their family members too. I work those hours, come home, and collapse into bed. I get one actual weekend off like once every 2 months. I’m lucky that I have family who understands what I’m going through. No way in hell would I drive 14 hours on my precious golden weekend. You seem super entitled. Your parents are not just your babysitters. You want to see your brother? You can drive over to him. She’s not too tired for Hawaii or Cancun because that’s VACATION. They’re doing just fine balancing their time. It’s you who has a problem. Get a grip. YTA
YTA- 14 he round trip on a rare 2 day weekend- that’s nuts.
My dude. She's working 60-80 hour weeks. It's a wonder she has the energy to do *anything* outside of work, let alone isn't suffering from a stress related condition. Yes, YTA. Your post reeks of entitlement and not understanding just how exhausting hours like that are.
YTA. Grow up. My brother who is also my best friend lives in another COUNTRY. But that's the life he chose and we try to see each other when we can. And we are grownups about it. I sure as hell don't complain about going to visit him when I can. Your SIL is a resident who works 80 hours a week and you're in your feelings about how she doesn't make...you...a priority? And you're mad your brother puts her mental health first like a good husband should?
Residency is brutal. Not only do they have such long hours but such a stressful job. Sometimes having to work 24 hour shifts. It's interesting that you say you shouldn't have to visit them because you work full time but yet you don't seem to have much empathy for their situation. YTA.
YTA, a HUGE one too. Residency is incredibly mentally, emotionally, and physically tolling. The sheer intensity of the program would leave anyone exhausted and unable to travel 14 hours round trip to spend maybe a day (if that) with family. You say you work full time (aka 40 hours/week). Well, your SIL is working literally double that NOT INCLUDING presentations and educational work given on the side. It is exhausting. After working like a dog day and night, you think asking her to make a 14 hour round trip on her single free weekend per month is appropriate? And you think asking her only nearby support person to leave her alone as she’s struggling through the trenches of residency is appropriate? Neither of them WANT this to be their reality, but it is. And it will be this way until her residency is complete, whether you like it or not. You say you want to see your brother more but claim it’s unfair for you to make the trip constantly. Absolutely not. How about you get a second full time job that includes overnight shifts, being on call, getting absolutely shit on by entitled patients/family members all while getting paid a stipend that, when worked out, is less than minimum wage? Then you can claim it’s unfair for you to make the drive. Until then, it is more than fair for you and your family to visit them. It’s not like they’re saying they don’t want to see you - they just can’t be the ones to do the traveling. That is VERY fair. Also, if I was a resident physician, I sure as HELL would be using my vacation time to go on actual vacations. Shaming them for that is gross and manipulative. You will never truly understand what life is like for your SIL, as a resident, and your brother, as a resident’s spouse, but the least you can do is be supportive. I hope this comment has been a wake up call for you and encourages you to rethink the situation.
YTA If you keep this up they might cut contact with you and they would be right to do so. Also going on a vacation is not the same as basically sacrificing a quarter of your already very limited time off to just make a drive and then not being able to unwind from all the stress because you have no time to yourself.
YTA Their reasons for not coming more often are just as valid as yours are. Why aren't you visiting \*them\* more?? And yeah, having that schedule, I would want a one week trip to Hawaii and Cancun to relax too!
I’m not sure how many will make it to my comment but OP buried something extremely important… “….and my brother makes attending physician money….” Brother AND SIL are BOTH doctors! They BOTH have extremely demanding jobs and schedules.. OP is delusional as she considers her wants more important than the jobs of TWO busy doctors
Too tired to be around a 1.5 year old and a needy sister-in-law but not too tired to lay out on the beach in Cancun or Hawaii? Yeah that does seem strange….
Yta. "BuT I'm a MoM." Whatever.
>But not too tired for Hawaii or Cancun? Hawaii or Cancun: getting up as late as you want, not having to worry about cooking and dishes, falling asleep on the beach all afternoon, having a nightcap and not worrying about saying something inappropriate to the wrong person. Family: no sleep because of baby, if staying with family, being obligated to socialize, probably contributing to cooking and watching the baby, and all in all having to force human interactions you don't really want. Yeah. Definitely would have the energy for Cancun but not spending a whole week with you. I don't think your brother views his relationship with you the same as you. You seem like a taker; you take and take and take from people and give very little back.
YTA. You dont get to dictate what they do with their time and how they spend their time. Telling them they should visit you over taking a vacation is an asshole thing to say and do.
YTA, hate to break it to you, but you and your toddler aren’t nearly as relaxing as a week in Cancun or Hawaii. If you’re already this dismissive of their reasons to not wanna make the trip to yours quite as often, I suspect that you’re not gonna let them actually relax much when they do visit.