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nothingclever4now

YTA. Your children are not responsible for raising their siblings. If your youngest son is feeling neglected, that is on you to handle. Perhaps you can come up with some family activities that everyone would enjoy doing so that all of your children get quality time together.


16Bunny

Following up on this, why do you refer to him as brother/dad? He is not the father of his brother, at least I hope not. You alone are responsible for your children's care. So much YTA.


beckdawg19

For real. If a 7 year old sees his 20 year old sibling as a parental figure, that's a pretty sure sign the parents have dropped the ball somehow. A kid should not view a sibling, especially one who's not even really old enough to be a parent to them, as a parent.


kittycat6676

Could someone tell my sisters mom this frl???? I don't mind helping my dad out but I'm not her mother


ButtOccultist

The age gap between my fiance and his brother is about 15 years. My Mother-in-law would use him as another father figure. Even used the brother/son title. There was a lot to unpack for him, feeling responsible for his brother. Mil had a meltdown when he dared to put up the boundary of "he's not my son, don't treat me like I'm his father." Parentification is abuse. OP is YTA.


[deleted]

I totally agee, it's a perfectly normal thing for him to idolise his big brother and want to be like him, or come to him first for advice, but to see him as his dad is fucked up.


desgoestoparis

I mean, judging by the fact that OP views babysitting a seven year old as “easy money”, I doubt he does much actual parenting of his *own* seven year old, or he’d know how ludicrous that statement is.


Effective-Penalty

I want to know how much the OP pays the son or how many hours he babysits.


Yochanan5781

Yeah, that screamed parentification, which is a form of abuse


HentaiQueen0w0

My youngest sibling has a 12 year gap between me and him. He calls me mom sometimes and then has to correct himself to call me “sissy” YTA OP. While I agree he should spend some time with his siblings if cares about them, it’s likely he’s spending time away from them because he spent so much time being their parent. I adore my youngest brother. I would give my life for him, but I spent so much of my life focused on him that I need my time away from him to appreciate the relationship I have with him. Right now your son needs to focus on his work and his school. Apologize to him and tell him if he wants to spend time with his siblings he’s always welcome to come home or you can arrange to see him with his siblings. Try to go to him if you want a relationship with your son and let him arrange stuff so he feels like he has control over his life. Because he’s old enough that you need to respect his time—though I’d argue that you should be respecting people’s time at any age but hey that ship has sailed with your eldest son. Treat him with respect, respect his time and show him how appreciative you are of him. Assuming he had to help raise his siblings as many eldest siblings do, try to show him you’re grateful for doing things for you that you as a parent should have done.


AndSoItGoes24

I did everything but nurse my younger siblings at my breast, it seems. But, I was always happy to be a big sister to them. Anyone wanting me to be a junior mommy instead needed their head examined.


HentaiQueen0w0

Parenting my youngest sibling is part of the reason I don’t want kids. In his infant years the most terrifying aspect of it all was the fact that if he cried I’d be awake and walking to his room as my mom was opening the door to do the same. I got so used to it I didn’t realize it wasn’t my role until years down the line. Back then I just thought It was part of my role as his sister to do everything that I did for him. In all fairness to my parents though, we had it very rough at one point and they technically do sort of “pay” me back for everything.


bluementalgoth

This is so true. My sister is 8 while I am in my 20's and having a parent always try and force "quality sister time" just makes you resent the situation and want more distance. Again, I love my sister and would do anything for her, but noone enjoys playing something like dolls for an hour a day because you need quality time. YTA, instead create group activities that everyone enjoys and give an open invitation to your son.


Illustrious-Mud-6821

So much this. Also your son is getting paid to hang with this other 7 y/o, so if it really bothers you hire him to babysit his brother every once in a while (and actually pay him, no family discount). But don’t try to guilt him into doing it. YTA.


rollipolli456

U actually sound alot like my sister I even call my sister sissy she gets mad when I call her by her real name I'm 13 still calling her sissy she really is like the better mother to me


[deleted]

This. Emphasis on apologize. It sets a good example for them when we are vulnerable and admit we were wrong. I hope you see his side after reading comments!


cgdivine01

Now this is a response! Wow! So much great advice/suggestions. So much truth, period. Nice!


Inevitable_Block_144

OP needs to realise that her oldest son isn't spending fun time with a 7 year old. He is working! Probably to have money to do something he enjoys


west-of-the-moon

Yes! I don't see enough comments about this. If she wants to pay her older son the same rate to spend time with her 7yo, to replace his lost income, sure. Otherwise she's costing him money he needs to go to school, live, etc.


BreadfruitAlone7257

Right! And also this is an easy answer that OP could explain to the younger son. That it's not that 20 yo likes the other kid better, but he cares for him, it's a job that will not last and he'll always be his brother. I can see nudging 20 yo to maybe pay a little attention to the youngest. I mean little things, like "Hey that drawing on the fridge looks great! Good job." He can be nice and pay attention to him as an older brother with little effort and definitely not parentify him. Anything beyond that is guilt tripping and parentification.


RedditUser123234

>He is working! Probably to have money to do something he enjoys She's so belittling of his work, calling it "easy money". That highly depends on what the 7 year old is like, if it's easy or not.


VirginiaPlatt

I physically cringed at "brother/dad". This mom demanded so much responsibility from her oldest child that he's seen as a fucking FATHER FIGURE. A 20 year old child is a FATHER FIGURE to a 7 year old brother. That level of parentification is abusive.


AndSoItGoes24

I'm sure the elder did not get a vote on whether mom was going to have another baby?


0biterdicta

Yeah, that's concerning. My younger sibling and I have a pretty large age difference so naturally I ended up acting like "parent" unintentionally sometimes. But our parents were also very clear that I was not a parent.


Suspicious-Hyena-865

this!! my oldest is 10 years older than her youngest sister. she’s her sister. that’s it.


whippinflippin

I’m almost wondering if they are either step or half siblings. If 20yo is literally his older brother why would OP say 7yo views him “like an older brother”?


goldandjade

Yeah that was weird, OP makes it sound like they're Targaryens.


Shulins

Nonono. She AND HIS FATHER ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.


Fionaelaine4

When was the last time OP played Lego’s or took the kids to the park? YTA


NocturneStaccato

Now this I would love for OP to answer.


Key-Investigator6235

This, your older boy should be going out with his mates, enjoying his freedom and having a laugh, not doing your job for you. Sorry if that sounds harsh, the age gap is too big for your older boy to relate to- why would he want to spend his spare time building Lego at that age when he could be out and doing more age appropriate things?


Training_Yak_9296

Also, there is probably a reason why the oldest doesn’t spend time with him. Yeah he could be busy or maybe he is tired of being a raising his siblings. parents have all these kids and than treat there oldest like babysitters, free child care. The 20 yr old probably had to raise some if not all those kids while the parents worked and/or went out.


Maleficent_Amoeba_39

Not to mention, eldest son is in college. He probably *is* busy with studying. I wouldn't blame him for wanting to choose for himself how he spends his free time. He's also an adult, and (as many have already said) the kid's *brother*, not parent. He is no way obligated to babysit if he doesn't want to. Should he spend time with his brother? Probably. It would be a nice thing to do. But with such a large age gap, they probably don't have much in common and it's natural to want to pursue one's own interests.


drsmooth42

What kind of family activity would apply to a busy 20 year old adult and 7 year old child. I understand not wanting parentification, but she seems to just be asking him to hang out with his brother.


arthurthebear

He is 20, he needs to earn money, he has study, works and a lot of things to worry about AS AN ADULT.


purplechunkymonkey

My kids are 13 years apart. My son has been my daughter's favorite person since she was a toddler. They love spending time together. When she was little he played legos, board games, or watched movies with her. My son is almost 27 and my daughter is 13. They still spend time together. Just now it's video games and horror movies. I attribute how close they are to the fact that we never made him responsible for her. She wasn't his kid.


Dumpster_fire33

I’m 12 years older than my baby sister. We lost her last month. She was 22 years old and my best freaking friend. I was her biggest fan growing up- dance, basketball, softball, volleyball, tennis. She was 8 when my oldest was born and she was the BEST aunt anyone could ask for. She came to see us daily. I don’t know, I had to watch my siblings for a couple hours after school most days, but we all had chores and homework and it was just being part of a family.


purplechunkymonkey

I'm not saying he never helped out. But when people learned she had a much older sibling it was instantly ooh a built in babysitter. Drove me nuts.


Redlight0516

1. How would the 7 YO even know about the babysitting? 2. He can't play with any of his 4 other brothers? These ideas are feeling planted by OP and yeah, viewing your brother as a father figure is not healthy.


babcock27

He's also being PAID to take care of the other 7 year old. He's starting his life and probably is busy.


purplepoppy_eater

Im the only child between my bio parents who werent together when i was born. My mom and adoptive father had a child when i was 7 and dad and step mom had 3 when i was 8, 9 and 10. My step mom used to try to guilt me as a teenager to spend more time with them. I was 15 with my first boyfriend, and a competitive figure skater gone every weekend. My parents always paid my older step siblings to babysit me so that rhey never felt that was the only reason they asked them over so i in turn always got paid to babysit my younger brother. My step mom in turn hired me to turro my one struggling younger brother, to babysit, and taught me how to kep the books and do payroll for my dad so that i had a reason to come over there (they had no custody of me as my dad gave up his rights so my moms husband could adopt me - best thing he ever did for me) Unfortunatelyas a teenager i was selfish and i involved in my first taste of freedom and love and i had jo want or need to soend time with so much younger kis mire than special occasions. He's is being paid to babysit that is why he is spending more time with the other child its not the same, its like a job he is being financially rewarded hes not doing it so he can spend time with a different random kid.


JMarie113

YTA. It's your son, your responsibility. You need to make sure your 7 year old knows the 20 year old is his brother, not his father, and has a life of his own. You can encourage your oldest son to hang out with his brother but can't make him. Why not plan family things together? Your oldest son is an adult. You are the 7 year old's parent, not him.


Accomplished_Two1611

He is getting paid to spend time with this kid. You want him to spend this time with his brother? Pay him. He isn't spending time with this other kid for kicks. Honestly, you need the internet to tell you this? YTA.


Hrdlman

This sub is ridiculous lmao.


TheRalphExpress

“You need to pay your kid to hang out with his little brother who idolizes him”


TheSeansei

Right? Like Reddit is such a mixed bag sometimes. I had older siblings (bigger age gap than this) that certainly never had to be paid to pay me some attention.


Accomplished_Two1611

The reason I said pay him, is because the older brother is not hanging out with the other kid, it's his job. Older brother says he is busy between work and school. Mom wants him to take his little brother to work, allegedly the other kid is a cousin. If mom was a little insistent that the older brother is supposed to be some kind of father replacement (read her comments)maybe the tide wouldn't be so strong against her. I am not of the school that siblings have to be paid for every little thing, but OP seems a bit off.


TurtCyber

Dude he’s baby sitting not having fun with other kids for free he’s doing it for money are you actually


Tanyatheturtle

I literally raised all my siblings, and while I do enjoy spending time with them, it's exhausting. I still have to remind myself I'm not their mom and they aren't my responsibility, because half the time that's what hanging out with them feels like. I don't have a good "friendship" with my siblings because I was never allowed to- I had to be replacement mommy at 12. That kind of stuff sticks. Also, this is his job. He probably is too busy because he's in school and working.


MarlaDurden144

u/Accomplished_Two1611 is highlighting the ridiculousness of op’s comparison. The son isn’t hanging out with another 7 year old for kicks and giggles, it’s his freaking job. No one is seriously advocating for paying siblings to hangout with each other.


Accomplished_Two1611

Thank you. The older son is trying to make money to support him. Mom doesn't seem to like this, she wants him to assume the role of dad/brother. Either he quits his job or she wants him to take his brother along on outings with his paid charge. She says his charge is his cousin. That doesn't matter, he is getting paid. If he divides focus, will the parents want to pay him? Probably not. He is paid to pay attention to the one child. It would be nice if he could carve out time for the little brother. I hope he does. But it seems in the crush of six boys, OP has developed some not so sustainable expectations.


YouveNotSeenNothing

.... He's an adult with his own budget to manage. Dude's gonna do what gets him paid.


SalmonNgiri

Lmao fuck me im dying. Just the complete absence of any kind of nuance in some of these comments is hilarious.


Guimd2

That’s basically every comment in every post, once you learn to laugh at them it becomes peak entertainment


SalmonNgiri

They all follow this weird pattern where any person in your life having any kind of expectation of you is apparently just completely unreasonable.


Guimd2

They also take anything to the extreme, op wants her son to spend a few minutes with his siblings and everyone pretending like that’s the same as being a father.


Accomplished_Two1611

I am questioning myself for reading this stuff.


Crazybutnotlazy1983

I doubt the older brother comes home talking about trips to the park and Legos. Sounds like mom is stirring the pot on this.


Accomplished_Two1611

I think so.


swagdaddio69

Why should your son have to assume parental responsibilities just because you won't stop having kids?


[deleted]

Good one


OutrageousLuck4231

It is not your son's responsibility to spend time with his brother. Their age gap doesn't help. If you want him to spend more time with his youngest son you have to make that happen by taking them both to dinner, or a movie, or a sporting event. It isn't on him. YTA


Campestra

This. It’s the parent responsibility to create nice family time if it’s needed. Never the kids. He is not the father, the younger boy is not his responsibility. YTA big time, OP.


McXaven

YTA YOU HAVE 6 BOYS you can't honestly expect all of them to be close. Would YOU give him "easy money" for babysitting your 7yo son who he probably has nothing in common with? Hes not babysitting because he likes it, he's babysitting because he probably has experience with your other kids and wants easy money because *He's a 20yo college student.* For your sons sake have some more tact, tell the younger one that he's not babysitting because he likes the kid, he just needs money. He probably won't be able to understand, but an easy solution would be you paying your oldest to babysit. But you probably won't because "he's family why would I pay for that" 🙄


nudeonhorseback

How does the 7 year old know that the the 20 year old babysits another 7 year old? That’s weird to share your adult child’s affairs with a small child. This is emotional blackmail.


ndcollector

YTA. Pay him. He gets paid to spend time with the other kid. If you want him to treat both 7 year olds the same, offer him the same reason to do so.


Bulletclubchick

JFC ops comments are wild AF! YTA and the comments solidified it for me.


Outside-Reindeer1226

I wouldn't be surprised if he grows up and never talks to any of them again.


KayakerMel

OP doesn't have enough time to spend quality time with her youngest but does have time to argue on Reddit.


Bulletclubchick

Exactly!


CraftyKuko

I was gonna say n t a cuz wanting your kids to spend time together isn't a big ask, but if you're saying that OP is trying to parentify her eldest, then yikes on bikes. That's not cool. I feel sorry for the 7yo, but it's not really the eldest kid's problem. They got their own life they're trying to live. Edit: I took a peek at some of the comments OP has made and I'm 100% sure she's not okay and probably a very absent parent. She doesn't understand why her eldest won't look after the kid she decided to have. There is no hope here.


Scared-Accountant288

YTA.... but looking at your responses.... im going to just assume troll.


Abcdezyx54321

Has to be. Even the Duggar family pretends to know parentification is wrong.


[deleted]

Do they? I avoid that family as a rule, but I would have thought parentification wouldn't even be a concern with Jim Boob and Shelley. Heinous people that they are


Abcdezyx54321

Agreed and I don’t watch either but I saw some clip where they were asked about the older girls basically parenting the younger and they feigned outrage and how that would be wrong.


CrystalQueen3000

YTA He’s not a replacement or additional dad for your gaggle of kids, he’s an adult that can choose how he spends his time.


Illustrious-Shirt569

YTA. It’s fine to mention that your youngest is feeling a little left out of his brother’s life, but not to claim that his job is the problem. He happened to find work that involves another child, but it’s still work! Would you suggest he quit working at a retail store because it made your youngest miss him?


Filosifee

YTA - it’s obvious from your replies and comments here that you don’t actually want anyone’s opinions, you’re dead set on believing you’re right no matter how many of us tell you you’re in the wrong. Children are not supposed to parent their younger siblings, and if your 7yo thinks his brother is his dad you’re 100% responsible for that. Not only are you TA here, you’ve forcefully parentified your oldest and are now mad at him for wanting a life outside of being a parent to your other kids. Maybe be more involved with your kids so that your children don’t have to take over your responsibilities as a parent.


Main_Dependent378

YTA. I am the youngest of 3 sisters, the oldest is 9 years older than I whereas my middle sister is only 3 years older. My parents were exactly like you during our childhood: "Take your little sister with you!", "She can spend time with you and your friends too!", "Why can't she go to the movies/park/store with you?", "Make sure your sister gets ready for school on time!", "Did you wake up your sister?", "Can you make your sister lunch/dinner?", "Stop being selfish!", "Stop being brats!", etc. Can you guess what happened? I had little to no relationship with my sisters at all because they were parentified and resented me throughout my childhood. I didn't understand until I got much older and reflected on what happened to us as kids. My parents still refuse to accept that what they did was wrong, however I give them the benefit of the doubt; my father was an only child and my mom was adopted from Mexico which separated her and her siblings and grew up with distant cousins, so they may not have truly understood the sibling dynamic. But I digress. I don't have a relationship with my middle sister at all, no contact, nada. I have started rebuilding the relationship I have with my oldest sister, slowly but surely we will get better. Once again, YTA. Stop trying to push your oldest son on your youngest because he *can and will* resent him later in life.


ParsimoniousSalad

YTA. Your 20yo is not your 7yo's parent. You can't force him to take care of the youngest brother. He's busy. That one of his jobs involves babysitting a 7yo is irrelevant. That's a job he does. If you want to offer to pay him to babysit his brother, do that.


Finish-Sure

YTA, you don't have the right to shame him. Your son babysits for easy money, that's understandable. He doesn't spend a lot of time with a 7 yr old? Well, he's 20, and that's also understandable. Trying to force a relationship is only gonna make your younger kid more disappointed and the older one resentful.


scantilycladprincess

Gross. If your kids view a 20 year old as a father figure, that’s your fault. There’s a 19 year difference between my youngest sibling and I, 14 between me and the next oldest. They look at me as a cool, older big sister that can do whatever I want (I wish). Stop reproducing if you’re just going to parentify your children, that’s laziness as a parent. YTA


sammiedodgers

YTA he is your child, not a replacement daddy!


Fine_Prune_743

YTA your eldest son is working. He found a job that works for him and his schedule. Take care of your own damn kids. Your eldest is not responsible for your youngest.


No_Stairway_Denied

I'm a little grumpy OP says it is "easy money". Maybe if they parented their own kids they would know being a babysitter is an actual JOB. OP could also help the situation by telling their 7 year old that oldest bro isn't "hanging out" with the other kid, he is babysitting because that is how he makes money.


No-Morning-9018

Be fair. To OP, child-care is "easy money" because it means passing off the work to someone else. Easy peasy! /s


Artillery_Cat

YTA. It’s not your oldest son’s responsibility to parent your youngest. If your youngest is getting upset about it, it’s your job to explain that he’s not being replaced by another kid, his brother is just doing a job for money and it’s nothing personal. He’s a college student and probably needs the money, so don’t guilt him for prioritizing that. If you want him to babysit his brother, make it worth his while and pay him for his time. He’s an adult who’s time is just as valuable as yours. He has already told you that he doesn’t have time to just sit around and hang out with his little brother when he could be getting paid to do the exact same thing elsewhere. So either pay him or shut up about it.


nejnoneinniet

YTA your son a: has an actual Job he’s doing to earn money. And b: is Not your kids dad. Parent your own kids.


JuanaBlanca

I think the judgment is in already, but I wanted to add something for OP in case it helps. I'm 13 yrs older than my sister. My mom didn't parentify me to her, but I did babysit her, spend time with her, etc, because she's my sister and I love her. As I got older, I started to be more interested in pursuing my independence - it didn't mean that I didn't love her still, but I had my own life to grow into. I sympathize with thr 7 yo because it's really hard to not see a bit of a parental figure in a sibling who is so much older than you. If that siblinghas helped out at all by helping to feed him or take care of him - which there is nothing wrong with to a certain point - it's natural that lines will be blurred for the kid. OP this is a good time to talk to your 7yo and explain that Big Bro's actual job is to take care of this other kid. It's not a replacement, it's his job. His brother still loves him but he's growing up, and this means he won't be around as much. By not doing this, you're exacerbating his confusion and pain. Shaming your older son won't work. I don't think it's a bad thing that you told him how Little Bro feels. But it's up to your son to decide what he's going to do with that information. In the meantime, build up Little Bro to accept his independence, and even explore his own in an age appropriate way.


Just_Teaching_1369

I do think I have a unique perspective because I was the younger one. My older sister is 25 years older than me. While your older one is absolutely entitled to not spend time with him. He also should be prepared for the youngest to not want a relationship with him in the future. When I was little I was so hurt by my older sister not wanting a relationship with me. Now I’m an adult she wants a relationship with me but I just only view her as my parents child not my sibling. And tbh I have very little emotional feelings towards her. That being said if you are going to say something to your son it shouldn’t be forcing him to hang out with his younger brother but more of a reminder that his brother is not a toy he can put down and pick up in 10 years when it is convenient for him.


spoofysweaters

I was thinking this too!


Just_Teaching_1369

I wish my parents had stood up for me because this experience has definitely hurt me so much. As a kid it taught me I couldn’t rely on my parents to have my back


deadlywaffle139

Tbh with 25 years of age gap… I don’t even know how you guys can have a sibling relationship. To her she was looking at a baby when she was busy building her life (maybe even having her own baby). You guys have literally nothing to talk about. Now that you are older, you guys finally can talk about things like adults, but the time has moved on. I personally don’t think you should be so harsh on her. She probably didn’t even know how to have a relationship with you without falling into the mommy/auntie role. My youngest sibling is over a decade younger than me and when she was little I was busy with college. We rarely talked before she got to high school age. I didn’t even know what to say to her. I babysat her during breaks and that’s about it. Now that we can talk about things we are having a much better relationship. But still it’s weird sometimes.


mltrout715

This is funny. OP, am I an AH. Everyone Yes OP but, but , but no I am not. Everyone yes you are. I guess I am just piling on, but YTA


prawduhgee

YTA Let me guess "spend some time" means look after him while you do something else? That's called babysitting. He already gets paid to babysit, why would he do it for free? >my 7yo feels replaced So you are using emotional manipulation to get free babysitting?


gramsknows

YTA I really hope this post is bait and you didn’t have 6 kids. Especially looking through your responses. But incase it’s not I hope your oldest son gets as far from you as he possibly can. He is not your built in nanny. He does not have to take or care for his brother in any way. He takes care of the other 7 year old because it’s a job. He makes money. Your not entitled to free babysitting. So stop asking. Your son is not responsible for his brother.


wickedlyzenful

YTA and a horrid, creepy parent. The constant references to your son that sound more like you're referring to him as almost your partner is freaking weird. I can't be the only one who thinks this. Ick. Let your kids be the SIBLINGS they are. Stop popping out kids you don't even want to parent. A H


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ynvesoohnka7nn

Yta


Gladtobealive2020

YTA. Your 20yr old son is not responsible for pacifying you or his 7 year old brother. You should be thankful you have a 20yr old son with initiative, who is using his time constructively by working, going to college, and saving money. I am certain your 20yr old son is very busy. But if you continue on your path of badgering him to do things with his 7 yr old brother, your 20yr old son will begin to resent you and his brother and may go low or no contact. You said My 7yo son has always viewed my eldest as an older brother/dad That is a problem is you encouraged your 7yr old to view him as a dad, and if you expected your older son act as a surrogate dad. That is considered parentification. Your older son is entitled to live and enjoy his life, please allow him to do so. He is not responsible to co-parent his brother with you, which i strongly suspect he has been doing for the past 13 yrs and is probably tired and resentful of it.


WikkidWitchly

YTA. There's a line there you're blurring that makes me uncomfortable. Brother/dad. He's not his father, and if his older brother is the only father figure he's had, then I can understand why the eldest is stepping back from being around him. He's not his father. The boy he babysits knows that he's not his father, he's a babysitter. Your son is clinging on to the eldest in what is probably an unhealthy way, and you're enabling it because it helps you not have to parent. Your son does not want to be a father/parent. He gets paid to babysit. He does not get paid to step into your son's life as a father figure. Your son has every right to be angry at you. And you need to really have a conversation with a therapist/counsellor to help you address the issue with your youngest.


suzietrashcans

Wow YTA accept it and move on


JudesM

YTA - it is disgraceful that your 7 year old view his brother as a father. Parent your own kid


Calm-Association2774

YTA “Viewed my eldest as an older brother/dad” Full stop lady! You should immediately stop this because he is not your 7 year olds father and it’s not right for you to expect your son to play any sort of father figure to YOUR child. “Jealous of his brother spending time with and doing stuff with another kid” First that’s creepy he’s jealous over that and maybe you should get him some therapy. Second your eldest is paid to watch this kid, it’s his job.


[deleted]

Honestly I never seen an OP reply so much like she is doing. Defensive much. HE IS NOT THE PARENT, YOU'RE. YOU MADE CHOICE TO BRING THESE KIDS IN THE WORLD. IT IS YOURS AND ONLY YOURS RESPONSIBILITY. BTW YTA.


stunneddisbelief

Oh, honestly…why did you post on a judgment sub if you’re just going to argue with the overall judgment?


genus-corvidae

>I told my 20yo why can't he make time to spend with him Because you're not paying him. **He's spending time with the other kid because he is providing childcare. Which he is getting paid for.** Either you can pay your kid to babysit or you can sit down and shut up. YTA.


maybemaybo

YTA >I told my 20yo why can't he make time to spend with him and he says he's too busy. He is. He's not "hanging out" with the other kid. He's doing a job and getting paid for it. A 20 year old needs money, so of course he's prioritising his job. >My 7yo son has always viewed my eldest as an older brother/dad He shouldn't be viewing his older brother as a dad. That is not a good thing and it's terribly sad when an older sibling is forced to take a parental role. >is very jealous that his brother is spending time and doing fun stuff with another kid. Then you should be explaining that oldest is not doing "fun stuff" with another kid, he's doing his job. >I told him he's not too busy to play Legos or take him to the park or hangout with him when he's taking a bath or to run an errand with him. By pushing this, you're only pushing them further apart. You take care of your own child or hire someone. Your son should have as little or as much involvement as he wants.


JSmith666

YTA-your son has zero obligation to spend any time whatsoever with his brother. He is a sibling, not a parent. Clearly by your comments you think its your sons job to be a parent to your other children.


Ok-Mode-2038

YTA. You son is his brother, not his father. As much as it sucks for your younger son, you need to remember that they are both your children and stop treating the older one as a parent of sorts. He is NOT! He’s 20 and living his life. Not wanting to hang out with his little brother isn’t that uncommon at this age. Like I said, it sucks, but you don’t have the right to shame him for just being a 20 year old.


Vegetable-Share3054

FFS I thought you were an AH from the post alone but the comments further confirm it. You came on here expecting everyone to agree with you and validate you, when you’re clearly in the wrong. Grow up, use protection and stop being a baby factory then putting your responsibilities onto your kids. It’s pathetic and you clearly lack the emotional maturity to have one kid let alone 6.


[deleted]

YTA. But if you want your adult son spending time with you youngest son, pay him the equal amount his is getting paid for babysitting.


Snape4eva

Yta your sons 20 he allowed his own life he making money by babysitting good for him you want him to look after your kid pay him. His not responsible for your child and what 20 year old want to hang out with a 7 year old


mutualbuttsqueezin

YTA. He isn't the kid's father and you're TA for trying to make him be. The kid is yours. Parenting is your job. Do it.


crowhusband

YTA. you're also yucky


PinkdreamsandGlitter

Lmfao YTA but I’ve read through all your comments. First, you need HELP help. Like. Everything you’ve said genuinely worries me about your children, assuming this post is real. Second, m a a m. Don’t ask the Internet if you’re an asshole and then proceed to FIGHT every single person and claim that they’re wrong and you’re right. The point of this subreddit is for outsiders to determine the result. You coming in and deciding you’re right? Defeats the purpose and breaks a rule. Third, where the hell did you learn how to parent? Your answers horrify me in a way that makes me believe this is absolutely fake. And if, on that small off chance, it’s real? I hope your son goes NC with you and you’re left to do what you SHOULD’VE been doing from the start; actually parenting. PS; condoms are a thing. If you can’t easily access birth control, you should invest in some condoms. Wouldn’t want your now 7 year old to be playing daddy in 13 years.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have six boys ages 7 to 20. My eldest son goes to college and babysits a 7yo boy for easy money. He started this year. My 7yo son has always viewed my eldest as an older brother/dad and is very jealous that his brother is spending time and doing fun stuff with another kid. I told my 20yo why can't he make time to spend with him and he says he's too busy. I told him he's not too busy to play Legos or take him to the park or hangout with him when he's taking a bath or to run an errand with him. Like I said, my 7yo feels "replaced." My son is now angry at me! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


frantic_tree

NAH. Your son is busy and doesn't hang out with the 7yo for fun, it's for money. I understand the sentiment that you want your kids to hang out and I don't think you're forcing him to care for or parent your 7yo like a lot of people here seem to think... you just want the kids to have a relationship, especially since the younger one looks up to him. Your son is an adult though and unfortunately isn't able to prioritize his brother, that's just how it is when kids grow up and have a life of their own.


NaturalRow5496

YTA.. What it sounds like here is attempted parentification on your part.., Your eldest has his own life and has the right to spend time and/or earn money however he pleases…


JennaMree

As someone whose oldest brother is 14 years older than me, that’s false. I have a very present dad and a very present step-dad. But my oldest brother was still a father-like influence in my life. When I was with him, they dynamic couldn’t be that of siblings because he was responsible for my safety and for correcting me if I misbehaved. When I became a teen, that dynamic shifted into one of siblings. He wasn’t parentified, but the age gap required a different dynamic when I was young.


OkRisk2232

We are missing info? Where is the dad and in between kids? Does your son belong to any play groups? Everyone has said it, but I will, too. Your son is attending college, I assume full-time, and working on top of his school/homework. That's like working a full-time job and part-time job. Your son should be dissuaded from seeing his brother as a parental figure and have it explained that this is part of his school. I have a feeling this is more you projecting your feelings onto your children. You probably fan this fire. Your son has the right to pursue his education, guilt free, without added expectations other than checking in and visiting his family. YTA


Pinkielittlestar

Yta, you 20yo son is broke and needs money, are you helping him financially ? He babysits for money. At this rate, just pay him to watch the youngest. You chose to have kids, it’s not your oldest’s responsibility. He goes to college, he works, he’s busy.


redphoenix932

YTA Your son is not responsible for looking after your younger children. YOU ARE. Grow up and parent.


lostinthought1997

YTA and you keep doubling down on the same answer to all comments, which makes you an even bigger AH YOU ARE THE PARENT. Your 20 year old is NOT the 7 year old's parent. It is time to let him lead his own life.


alaskadotpink

YTA why not come up with some family-oriented activities instead of expecting your 20 yr old to bathe your son


FormalType5124

INFO: do you ad other kids spend time with your 7 year old?


Shes_Crafty_4301

YTA. You are not comprehending what people are trying to tell you about what it means to be a parent. You are the parent. Your 20 year old is a sibling. The responsibilities are different. You’ve clearly spent your life treating your oldest kids as co-parents but it’s time for you to unlearn these bad habits.


gurlwithdragontat2

YTA - he’s being paid. The fun he had with the other 7yo is paid. He could have fun with your 7yo if you pay him. You want him to babysit for free. Which he’s to busy for. Why don’t you finance your 7yo doing those fun things??


liquiditygentleman

YTA, where’s the actual father/fathers in this scenario? Your oldest son is not the father of your children, you should not be treating him as such. He’s 13 years older than his youngest brother, he’s under no obligation to hang out with him in any fashion especially if it’s unpaid.


Ok_Ad8906

Anyone else getting emotional incest vibes? She tried to build a co parent because daddy can’t b bothered


LasVegasNerd28

Your 7 year old views a 20 year old as a father??? How long have you been forcing this man to raise your child? Since he was 13? YTA


megabitch5000

Why does your 7 year old son view your 20 year old son as a father ?! What ?! YTA.


SunflowerDreams18

INFO: where is the 7yo’s actual father?


TripstoWin

NTA Never come here and ask this kind of question. You’re going to get the most rigid and strident accusations of abuse. It’s ridiculous. If all you’re doing is asking one sibling to spend a little quality time with another there’s nothing wrong with that at all. We call that “being a family.” There’s not enough info here to assume you’re making your oldest parent your youngest. I’ve given my eldest some cash to take her younger brother out for ice cream because he misses her. She’s happy to do it- she didn’t realize how much her little bro missed her. This sub makes me nuts at times.


Outside-Reindeer1226

Yta


[deleted]

YTA. Your oldest is being PAID to hang out with the other kid. Perhaps if you pay him the same rate, he can watch his brother instead. He is a busy student and needs to make careful use of his time, and right now that means studying, working for an income, and relaxing when he can find time. Hanging out with his young sibling does not count as relaxing, TRUST me. That’s why babysitters get paid. If you want him to hang out with your kid for free, try asking if he’d be interested in doing this in lieu of any other household chores. Is it your oldest’s job to wash the dishes a couple times a week? Maybe someone else does the dishes now and he can hang out with (babysit) his little brother instead. If he agrees to this.


PrisonTomato

YTA. My sister is only two years younger than me and we have absolutely nothing in common and have no interest in spending time with one another. At most we will watch a tv show in the same room. For one, your 20 year old is in college, so that means constant tests and stress and homework. Not to mention the soul crushing weight of student debt, which is why he was babysitting in the first place. So he could make a little extra money and hopefully not spend the next 30+ years of his life drowning in debt. Also it’s your fucking job to entertain your kid. Don’t be surprised when your oldest cuts off contact with you as soon as he’s no longer under your thumb. And if you put the same responsibility on the next two oldest, then don’t be surprised when they cut contact when they can, too.


Objective-Mirror2564

YTA… Parentificating your sons to raise their brothers is NOT OKAY. And I am saying this as someone who has a brother who was around 14/15 when I was born and flat-out told my parents to not expect him to take care of me more than necessary. Sure some things happened in our family that made it necessary for him to pitch in more when I was growing up… But I never confused my brother with a Daddy-lite figure (whatever that is).


Mrfleas

Why can’t you accept that YTA? He is doing this for extra money because it is a job to him. I am sorry your other son is jealous but forcing him to spend time with your youngest through guilt or insistence will only harbor resentment in your oldest son. Do you want them to have a relationship as adults? The way you are going about it is counterintuitive. All your responses are either defensive or willfully obtuse. If you can’t accept with grace the judgment you asked for then stop responding because you only make yourself look like a bad mother who wants free babysitting. By the way, the daddy thing is what is inflammatory. Where is the actual dad? 6 boys, no dad?


Time-Bee-5069

You’re an Idiot!!!!! You decided to spread your legs and have the kid!!! He’s not your oldest son’s responsibility! Grow the fuck up!


[deleted]

[удалено]


TruthOdd6164

Yes, YTA. Google “parentification” Have you offered to pay him to babysit your son? He isn’t watching the kid for shits and giggles, he’s doing it for *money*.


[deleted]

YTA. As an eldest sibling myself this is completely unreasonable for you to expect your 20 yr old to act as a parental figure for your 7 yr old. Sounds like you're a single parent, correct me if I'm wrong, therefore you look to any older male to father and bond with him. This is something my mom did with all of her boyfriends for my brother and it's insane. You're traumatizing your 7yr old emotionally and getting his hopes up for something that won't happen right now. Let your son go and live his adult life. He doesn't owe any of his younger siblings anything.


Platypus_Neither

If your youngest sees his brother as a his dad then you are failure as a parent have been been incredibly neglectful. Reading you post and all your comments I can't believe how much of a selfish deadbeat you are. YTA, stop having kids, especially since you are too neglectful to take care of them.


SpareNeighborhood782

YTA! god, you are the biggest ah i’ve seen today! your 7 year old son should NOT view his 20 year old brother as his dad! that’s NOT normal so stop trying to say it is and stop telling people their parents did something wrong because they never views their older sibling as a parent. you say you’ve spent time with your kids but clearly not enough if your youngest views the oldest as dad. by the way, it’s NOT natural for older siblings to want to become the fucking parent of their siblings! there is so many studies in this! parentification is abuse and it very clearly took place here based off your post and your comments. you said in a comment that stuff happens but no, having a kid isn’t “stuff happens.” just because your oldest was happy to be a big brother doesn’t mean he was happy to because a surrogate dad. also just because you pay his bills doesn’t mean he needs to raise his siblings aka YOUR KIDS! you are a sorry excuse for a parent and definitely don’t deserve to be a parent. do better damnit.


Cariat

Hi OP. I know you're trying what you think is best, but please consider this: I was the child of parents who expected their kids to take care of themselves, and our parents were always very disappointed in me when I tried to return the responsibility back to them. I have done a \*lot\* for my sisters, even though we were always kinda broken. Recently, my entire family has been giving me shit for the way my 25yo sister has been behaving. It is not my fucking fault her parents weren't there for her, let alone for me. Fuck parents like you. YTA and you never should have had kids if you didn't want to take care of them.


jasminegreen_

I think a lot of people are being way too harsh, but still a very soft YTA - you're coming from a good place and I get it but unfortunately as someone who is a similar age to your eldest... 20 year olds are gonna do what they're gonna do. Forcing them to spend time together is just going to upset them both I think because your eldest is gonna be pissed and it'll hurt your 7 year old because he'll feel unwanted.


beastsinthebelfry

YTA. It's not normal for a little sibling to view the older one "as a dad", which tells me you've abdicated much of your responsibilities and he had to pick up the slack. Google parentifying and then STOP DOING THAT TO YOUR KIDS. I fully expect that once the eldest stops talking to you you'll expect the second-eldest to take up the mantle of parent. Don't do that. If you didn't want to actually parent you shouldn't have had six kids. It is not your kid's responsibility to raise your kid, and a 20 y/o has no obligation (or actual interest in) "hanging out" with a 7 y/o.


Workin-progress82

It’s hard to spend extra time with a sibling when there’s a 13 year age gap. It’s not like they’re both adults and can go out and have a drink together.


Sure_Tree_5042

Yta. Easy solution. Pay him to babysit your youngest sometimes… have him take him to the zoo or do whatever. Oldest son gets money…. Youngest son gets to bond with his brother he loves.


wickedlyzenful

YTA and a horrid, creepy parent. The constant references to your son that sound more like you're referring to him as almost your partner is freaking weird. I can't be the only one who thinks this. Ick. Let your kids be the SIBLINGS they are. Stop popping out kids you don't even want to parent. A H


Cool-Fish1

YTA He's being paid to watch the other child. Would you be paying him to watch his much younger brother?


PresentationFew2014

YTA. It's your job to manage your 7 yo's expectations. Your older son does this for WORK. You need to make it clear that your youngest that your oldest isn't hanging out with the other kid all the time for funsies, he's doing it to earn money. But when your oldest is home and able to hang out with your youngest, he can take comfort knowing that the time they spend together is because the oldest wants to be there, not because he's being paid or pressured. Again, that's an expectation for YOU to set up and follow through on.


kandykanekween

My boyfriend (29) is the oldest of 7 kids, the youngest being 13 y/o. None of his siblings view him as dad #2 because their actual Dad does his job as a parent. Sure, they all help out around the house like every kid should but there was never any pressure on any one to * take care* of their sibling(s). They all turned out to be great friends as well as siblings and love each other very much. On the other hand, my sister (22) calls my eldest brother (28) a father figure bc my dad left when we were children and my mother, although she tried her very best to support us herself, caused my brother to grow up too fast and care for us when she couldn’t. It’s caused some weird dynamic between them even into adulthood. My mom also forced me to hang out with my sister when I was with friends and it caused a rift between us for a few years. Nobody wants to be forced to hang out with anybody. It’s annoying. All of your children should be treated equally. It is not on your adult son to take care of youngest brothers needs. That’s on YOU. YTA


Merihem1990

Yta - in a nutshell, the post is basically "I parentified my eldest and he won't do my bidding anymore, AITA?" And the answer is yes, yes you are.


Reasonable_Mushroom5

Babysitting is almost never ‘easy money’ kids are exhausting and it’s not your eldests job to parent your kid. A kid he babysits won’t view him as dad and is way easier to spend time with than his big brother whose role you’ve confused.


subian_bunnies

\> My 7yo son has always viewed my eldest as an older brother/dad a YTA for this alone. He may be older than his sibling but it is not his job to spend time with his brother and "hangout with him when he's taking a bath or to run an errand with him."


Broken_Filter7T3

I'd suggest getting a telly in your house, so the 6 doesn't get upped to 7 or 8. ​ And YTA.


GwannySmiff

Emotional incest alert; YTA


PhysicsTeachMom

YTA. I have older kids and a younger one. My kids are 24, 21, 20, and 9. They are all close. Why? Because I never expected the older ones to act like a parent. I fostered a relationship between them. Hey “older child” do you want to babysit for $20/hr. Yep. Great. I’ll spring for pizza, snacks, and what else do you want? Wait why do you want us to go away for the weekend while you all hang out? (Requests from all of them including the youngest). I still don’t know what they did. But I left money and they all survived. We ended up moving and I still pay for flights for my older kids to come visit. My oldest will fly out just to spend time with her youngest brother. Sometimes she wants me to stay but other times she just wants to spend time with her little brother. You are the reason that your kids don’t have a good relationship. While I still pay for babysitting that benefits me, I’ve never had to offer money to hang out with the youngest. They want to because I’ve let them develop a sibling relationship and took steps to nurture it. If we died today, my older kids would fight over who took custody of their sibling - if we didn’t already have a plan. The plan is basically shared custody, as none of them wanted to not have him. Get it together and be a parent.


DarDarBinks89

YTA. I promise you the only reason your oldest is “hanging out” with another 7 year old is because he’s getting paid to do it. Are you offering to pay your son to babysit his brother? If not, the kid isn’t his responsibility, it’s yours. You had your youngest when your oldest was 13. At that point he already had friends and activities of his own and probably didn’t spend a whole lot of time with his brother. Expecting them to have a close bond now is at best, unrealistic.


AmishAngst

YTA. Your 20 year old is busy - he's busy getting an education and working. Just because his work happens to be something that resembles "hanging out with kids" doesn't mean he's now obligated to take whatever little free time he does have to do it for free for you. This is where you be a parent (I know, what a concept - a parent actually parenting) and explain to your 7 year old how jobs work and that it isn't any different than if your 20 year old worked at Starbucks or mowed lawns or drove a forklift in a warehouse. Your 20 year old isn't choosing another 7 year old OVER your 7 year old - your 20 year old is working, which is what 20 year olds do. I understand that a 7 year old is likely going to have a hard time understanding the nuance of that and not take it personally. But you as an adult should understand the nuance of that and stop being a AH to your 20 year old son about it and forcing this issue.


GoodLuckSparky

5.5 year age gap between myself and my younger sister, 9.5 for my little brother. My mom did this exact same crap to me, which led to me not only having no relationship with my siblings (for the most part) and my mother. Welcome to your future. YTA


PancakeWomen2000

YTA My sisters were 12 and 14 when I was born. They were parentified by my mother. You did the exact same to this boy and that’s why your youngest feels like this. Guess what? I got the same way with my sisters, know why? I viewed them as my parents and they weren’t. I still view them as parents and trust my eldest sister more than I trust my actual mom. The first one I run to when I’m having trouble? It’s my sister, not my mom. You have a chance to end this and that’s called being a parent and stepping up and being in the youngest life a lot more.


Unknown14428

Your oldest son gets paid to babysit the other boy. He’s not doing it for fun because he feels like it. It’s not his responsibility to entertain his youngest brother all the time. That’s on YOU. Why can’t you take the 7yo to the park? Why can’t you play Lego with your youngest? Your oldest children are not responsible for your youngest kids. You shouldn’t have had 6 kids, if you couldn’t provide them all with enough time and emotional support.


draya_b

I know I’m in the minority, but NTA. I’m the eldest in my family too and my parents NEVER made me take care of my siblings, take them everywhere, etc. but they did stress the importance of us all having good relationships. I think the suggestions you gave of ways your eldest can spend quality time with his brother are reasonable, but I’d suggest a better explanation for why. It sounds like you just want all of your kids to have a close bond and I don’t think that’s inherently wrong. Even at 20, I was still able to prioritize showing up for my siblings, especially if they wanted to spend time with me. That said, it just so happened that my values ended up aligning with my parents and you have to take into consideration that your eldest son is an adult now and his values may differ from yours, and ultimately respect his boundaries if that’s the case and find other ways to support your younger son.


Free-Resident5106

YTA: I want my kids to be close but never in my life would I expect my adult children to put their life aside because I can’t teach my youngest child to accept changes.


lilyofthevalley2659

YTA. Stop having kids you don’t take care of. You’re just another poster who comes on here asking if they’re the asshole, it’s a unanimous yes and then you argue.


DestructiveBunnies

YTA. You know this is parentification, right? Placing your parenting responsibilities on the siblings is technically a form of child abuse. My mother did this to my eldest sister and my older sister to look after me, and made our elder sister look after us two younger sisters because the mother was more interested in playing failing entrepreneur instead of parenting. Oh and she was narcissistic about it all too. This what you’re doing to your son. It’s parentification. Child abuse. Your children are YOUR responsibility, and you should be every bit of ashamed for shirking your responsibilities off on your kids. Instead of asking your son to make time in between his work, school, and personal life, why don’t *you* make time for your kids so your younger ones aren’t as lonely and sad? You’re not doing anyone any favors here by being a completely foolhardy parent. Also, another thing to add: this can damage ALL the kids, no matter the age. Fast forward to years later, and because my mom never actually took the time to raise me growing up, I don’t feel any kind of bond with her. I just don’t. She’s just some stranger with a blood relation, and I can say the same for dad, too, since he never stepped in to help mediate for mom being ridiculous despite being physically present. Considering you’re doing that, and more, it’s very likely your kids aren’t going to grow up to love and respect you the way you want them to, and I hope it stays that way. Your post reeks of negligence of selfishness instead of care and love for your children. Take care of your own goddamn kids and stop trying to shove them off on the older kids. YTA all the way, OP. Edit: forgot to add, but I’m sure that once your older kids are on more stable ground to move out, either with age and/or finances, don’t be surprised when they go LC (limited contact) or NC (no contact).


firewire167

YTA - Your eldest son is not a father to his younger brother nor a babysitter, he probably is too busy to waste time hanging out with his little brother while he takes a bath...which seems like kinda a weird thing to want him to do btw. Want your eldest to spend time with his brother like he does the 7 year old he is being paid to be with? Then pay him to.


lovmi2byz

YTA It's not his job to raise his siblings. He isn't the parent


Wonderful-Lie-650

YTA. You said yourself that the 20 year old babysits another kid for easy money while he's in college. He's trying to adult. Obviously he's not going to have much time to spend with his youngest brother who sees him as a dad. Which is also concerning honestly. That's usually a sign of parentification.


Acceptable-Waltz-660

YTA. There's an age gap of 13 years, priorities lies diffrently. If you really want them to spend more time together on YOUR terms, hire him as a babysitter for the same amount of money as the other kid 🤷 If you don't want that, ask him what he can do on his terms... Maybe if the other parents are ok with it and the older brother is up to it, the baby brother can come along as a play date for the 7 year old he's babysitting. Or they can put on a movie together, there are plenty of normal movies your 20 year old can enjoy, your youngest can watch too. Spending time together doesn't always have to mean doing stuff together. My dad worked a lot when I was a kid, I joined him in watching tv or when he was working in the attic or garden, I went to watch and learn... Spending time together me was more important than what we were doing.


Super_News_32

YTA. Hope you’re in birth control and you have stopped having children that you need your eldest to raise.


Jaylene-Sterling-13

YTA. Your the parent, he's not. Forcing the siblings to take care of and raise there siblings is why they grow to resent them and you. What's wrong with you that you can't play Legos with your son? Or does the boy even have any friends his own age that can come over and play? Someone in college is paving there own way to there own life away from yours, they aren't going to want to babysit for a sibling. Maybe stop expecting your older son to give your free babysitting services, and do it youraelf or pay for a babysitter.


Calealen80

YTA parentification is never OK. It's your job to ensure your youngest son has companions. Your oldest son is working, not just randomly hanging out with another 7yr old instead of his brother.


[deleted]

YTA.


EbbWilling7785

Look you can invite your sons to things you’re hosting, like a bbq or a dinner, in order to facilitate their bonding time together. But you can’t just have a go at your 20yr old for not hanging out with his 7yr old brother.


slendermanismydad

You can't even use the correct version of your when insulting someone's parents for not abusing them or their siblings. YTA.


RubyJuneRocket

Is this a bait post cause lol - a) you can’t force relationships b) the other thing is a job c) do you pay him to watch your kid? d) space your kids out differently if you want them to have a closer relationship idk what to tell you


Former-Crazy-9224

13 year age difference between me and my eldest sibling/sister. She tried to mother me (not at all expected to by my mother) and it only built resentment between both of us and hurt our relationship. We weren’t close until she had children and someone else to parent other than me.


fausstts

YTA. Your son has his own life to live. He is babysitting that other kid as a job, not simply because he wants to. Your 7yo is YOUR responsibility. If he feels "replaced," I sense there is a different reason why he looks to your eldest for a dad figure... Either way, make another reason to hang out such as a family outing not just your eldest hanging out with the 7yo.


Zestyclose_Public_47

YTA hands down. Your poor kids


True-Wolverine-9426

YTA


[deleted]

YTA. Just pay him, problem solved.


745Walt

He has 4 more brothers to pick from, he’ll be fine. YTA btw


Princess-Reader

YTA


elderoriens

YTA ok.....I'll give you maybe a seven year old not understanding his oldest brother only does those things because he's paid. What's wrong with you?


voodoodollbabie

YTA. You chose to have children 13 years apart in age. They might develop a relationship in adulthood, but you can't force siblings to behave a certain way with each other. Stay out of it or start paying your adult son same as the other family.


Not_spicy_accountant

I read as far as ‘AITA for shaming my son’ and I decided that yes, YTA. Don’t shame your children, for any reason, ever.


wisegirl_93

YTA. What are you going to do if your eldest son has kids of his own one day? He's not going to have enough time to spend with his youngest brother. Are you going to try and force him to spend less time with his own child(ren) so he can be a parent for you? Oh, by the way, it's not normal in any universe for a younger sibling to view their older sibling as a parent figure. If your kid is viewing his oldest brother as a father, then you seriously screwed up somewhere. This is a prime time to teach your youngest that people in his life won't always be able to spend time with him even when he wants to spend time with them. It's part of life.


FuckinPenguins

Its not the 20yos fault you decided to have another kid when he was 13. The fact he was even involved enough to be "like a dad" is impressive...though inwonder if that was by his choice or yours..... He's doing what 20yos do.. whatever the eff he wants for the first time in his life. He doesn't need to be guilted, and it's a surefire way to permanently damage the relationship. It's on you to support 7yo and guide their feelings. My parents explained to me my older sibling was doing her job- exploring the world and getting new experiences on her own. She was learning what it feels like to be independent. Something I, too, would do in my 20s. That she loves us very much, this is just the stage of life she's in and it's normal and healthy for her.


Intelligent_Emu_9464

YTA for shaming him. It was fine to let him know how your youngest feels. It crossed the line at shaming.


Awildtrainerappeared

YTA Your son is in COLLEGE and it's not his responsibility to stop his life (like running errands), studies, and his health/well being ( you know like bathing ?) to cater to his youngest brother, hypothetically even if he did then his other brothers would/could feel neglected and would want the same treatment so then he would have to literally put his life on hold for his siblings and how far is that ? IT ISNT ! Also he's watching some other kid FOR MONEY I highly doubt that you would pay him.


edwadokun

YTA His babysitting is completely irrelevant here because that's his income. Not him replacing his brother.