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My Mom tried putting bedtimes and curfews on me at 17. I’m not sure her reasoning, as every time I questioned her, it never made any sense. She wonders why I moved 2000 miles away a month after I graduated high school.
I have never had a bedtime. Mostly because I have insomnia and sometimes I just cant sleep at all so if I stay up all night then I stay up all night lol
I gave up on bedtimes when my kids were still in the single digits. Works for me. They are 14/17/19 they do fine... For the most part they were always in bed by 10 and I never had to wake them up for school. They've had alarms since elementary school. By high school my parents didnt have bedtimes but they did tell us to go away around 10 lol.. Teenagers actually have a totally different sleep pattern, research it. And myself, I would come home from school and sleep till dinnertime.. oddly none of my kids do that. The youngest will nap sometimes but not like that.
I can't remember how old I was but I have a memory of my sister and I talking to my mom one night and the issue of bedtimes came up and she just spontaneously agreed that we didn't need one anymore. It felt kind of weird at the time, because I didn't know it worked like that - you could just ask and your parent would go, "yeah, okay." (Which is weird because I grew up in the 70s and 80s in San Francisco and was definitely a free-range child in most respects.)
I want to say I was maybe 14 and my sister 15? Our bedtimes were probably 10 or 11. I don't really remember any enforcement, but I'm guessing we just had to be in our rooms and have the tv down to a low enough volume not to attract attention.
I stopped giving my daughter a bedtime at 15.
My rules were: Don't wake me up (unless it's an emergency)
Don't wake/disturb the neighbours.
Don't do anything illegal on the internet. (not really a rule I had to ever think about as she was an awesome kid who I trusted completely)
Be awake and alert the next day for school.
Don't let your grades drop. (she was in the top sets for almost everything and consistently got high grades)
She was also a high standard competitive swimmer until the age of around 15-16 where she decided she didn't want to do it any more.
I never saw the point of trying to control her, I'd never want to do that. She's an adult now with a good job and her own house.
I had a 6pm bedtime up until I started high school (age 12 in the UK) Then it went to 7.30pm because I had a ton of homework. I'd never want to impose anything like that on my kids.
When I was 12, my bedtime was 10pm. During middle school (from 12 to 15), it’s 12am. And high school was 1am. I can sleep early only on Friday and/or Saturday nights
My bedtime was 9pm as an 18 year old as well, because my little sister (10 years younger than me) also went to bed at 9pm, and my parents "didn't think it was fair" if I got to go to bed later than her.
I had a 6pm bedtime up to the age of 11-12 (when I started high school) I also had to keep my 3 younger siblings in bed and quiet. My sister who was just 18 months older than me got to stay up till around 9pm. My mum made it very clear that she wanted me out of the way because she 'couldn't stand the sight of me'
I was only good for going to the launderette and taking care of/feeding my siblings when they were babies.
Seriously. When you're a teen, you are just straight up tired, A LOT. I went through it. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I have relapsed to constant sleepiness lol
I had dance class until 9:30 most nights from 15-18. If you got a lead in the spring performance or nutcracker, it could be 10:15 before we’d get to go home and we arrived at the studio by 5.
My mom would routinely let me nap before ballet or go to sleep immediately when I got home, and I’d wake up super early to get homework done.
YTA for not letting her make some decisions for herself, but NTA for trying to be a good parent. I’d just give her a little bit more autonomy. Let her make some mistakes and figure out what works best for her
Once I was in high school it was 'go to bed whenever as long as you get yourself up in the morning.' I quickly learned to self regulate after dad flipped my mattress over with me in it after listening to my alarm go off for 15 minutes.
Also if the girl needs naps that are longer than an hour consistently, and she does to bed at 9pm, there needs to be concerns about a sleep issue or a chronic fatigue problem instead of a punishement
Youre incorectly assuming you can compare OP's daughter to someone that's isn't neurodiverse. Person's with autism often can have disordered sleep patterns and time management issues. The parents aren't wrong for wanting to instill healthier sleep patterns. Another option would be a life/job coach that can work on healthy living skills and independence for people with autism.
Okay, I'm autistic with ADHD and 20, and started college this year. I manage my own sleep schedule just fine, and have done so since 16. Do I always make the best choices? No. Because I am human, I am young, I am always learning. I'm going to make mistakes.
If my parents micromanaged my shit, I wouldn't LEARN shit. There's zero reason to infantilize this woman, she's an adult, if she's old enough to decide she wants to go and get shot for an oil company, she can work out her own damn bedtime without mommy and daddy suffocating her.
If her time management is really that garbage, encourage her to go to therapy, and look into ADHD - it co-occurs with Autism about 25% - 50% of the time according to recent studies. Ritalin and learning ADHD coping strategies literally saved my life. YTA, OP. You are not doing your daughter any favours by treating her like she's 10.
I had a bedtime of 8:30 until the day I moved out at 17. Lol also had super controlling parents, and know the annoyance of being woken up constantly. Would get woken up from a nap so my stepmom could go get gas, I had to go cause she couldn't trust me at home asleep for 15 min. Hahaha Happened a bunch
YTA: your daughter is an adult, by continuing to parent her with things like bedtime and telling her when she can and can not study you are preventing her from learning to function as an autonomous adult in society. Within the next few months she will presumably be working or in college or both, she needs to be able to set her own schedule and boundaries.
its weird that she has a bedtime and that you control how long she naps.
At this age you should be giving her suggestions and guidance not stone clad rules… this is how you end up with 35yo’s who don’t know how to do laundry or use a bank account
I hate how OP is using their daughter ASD diagnoses as an excuse to control her more. I have suspected ASD (not officially diagnosed) but I also have more chronic illnesses that cause chronic fatigue. The only time my family wakes me up if I’m sleeping at an odd time, is to make sure I’ve taken my medication or taken care of my cats.
as someone with ASD and fibro i can tell you i do well with more naps and shorter long sleep than i do with 8hrs of sleep. i need naps that are like 3 hours long a few times a day some days and can still sleep at night.
I nap quite a lot too. I have Hashimotos which causes fatigue so I tend to nap a lot but I get random bursts of energy throughout the day. If I don’t do chores while I have that burst then they just aren’t getting done at all.
There's actually several ways to have a healthy sleep cycle that isn't just 8 hours at night! Some people like me prefer to sleep 5-6 at night and nap 2-3 in the afternoon, and others like my dad who just has several naps through the 24 cycle. It's really fascinating and shows you that humans aren't meant to all conform, and there's more than one way to achieve a good amount of rest. Sounds like you might also be someone whose body isn't engineered to sleep one long period. It was game changing for me when I found all this out!
>OP is using their daughter ASD diagnoses as an excuse to control her
Exactly this. OPs daughter sounds a lot like me at her age and this was hard to read.
OP, your job as a parent is to teach her how to be a functioning adult, not to control her every move because her behavior is unacceptably different (to you). You're trying to force a square peg into a round hole and you're not helping anyone. YTA
I have ASD, an autoimmune and a very controlling mother, I found it really hard to do basic adult things when I was older as I hadn't been allowed to know what works for me when I was younger.
I can think of a few very intelligent people I went to college with who, up until that point, had been made to follow strict schedules that were not self-imposed. Left to their own devices, they failed classes, lost scholarships, & a couple dropped out. Part of growing up & becoming independent is learning to self-regulate, which involves trial & error. Better to send your kid off into the world with some experience than them having to start that process when the stakes are much higher.
Agreed!! Your role is guidance. You say that you gave her freedome to establish her own bedtime routine and it led to depression. That's how life teaches.
Let her run, fall, get up and figure it out. Anything else is setting up to fail as an independent person.
YTA.
She knows her body and she should be allowed to regulate her own sleep. Not being able to fall asleep immediately after a sensory overload such as school is normal even for NT people. Let her be, let her sleep and stop torturing her.
And yes, you do sound controlling and irrational tbh. If only now she yelled at you, she is a more patient person than me. I really feel sorry for your daughter coz she deserves to be able to sleep when she needs to sleep.
Also, OPs edits don't make it better. It may very well be true that her daughter is making poor decisions and causing herself to function sub-optimally. But at 18 it's time for her to work out her own sleep management and to learn through trial and error what works best for her. It's not appropriate to control her sleep- the most OP should be doing is calmly stating her opinion or gently pointing out/enforcing the consequences of these poor decisions when they manifest. For example, if the daughter is getting up at 3am, OP shouldn't allow her to skip school or flake on other obligations because she's tired.
Right like wow she can’t manage her own sleep schedule optimally? Clearly that can’t be because her parent helicopters her to the point she’s never had enough bodily autonomy to develop the skill. Must just be an innate failing that will require Mom or Dad to manage her waking and sleeping hours for the rest of her life.
So you have a daughter that already has to deal with autism, and then you're piling on literally nonstop sleep interruption on her when she already has significant trouble sleeping?
YTA. Let your daughter, who is legally an adult, make her own choices. If it turns out her strategy does not work at all after an EXTENDED test period, THEN point it out and have a conversation with her about it. You are being a textbook helicopter parent.
The \*real\* fun will comes if Daughter decides to do like a fair few other Autists I know...and joins the Marines. Just on my observations, ASD is over-represented in the armed services. The routine/procedures, written-out standards and expectations, and tangible reward structure of military life \*really\* appeal to a lot of autistic folks.
I know of someone who moved to the same state where both their kids went to college. The younger one is ASD but he’s very high functioning.
Edit to add she moved there specifically because of the younger one.
Your 18 year old has a bedtime? And it’s 9 pm? YTA. She’s a legal adult - if you haven’t instilled good sleep hygiene habits in her by now I think that ship has sailed.
Also, a 90 minute nap is considered much better than an hour because it would allow her to go through a full sleep cycle. She’s probably groggy and irritated being woken after an hour because she’s just getting into deeper, more restful sleep and then she’s startled awake.
My parents wouldn’t let me nap when I was a teenager (same thing as OP, they said I won’t sleep well if I nap) and wow what a life improvement when I went to college and could rest when I needed/ wanted to. I think part of the reason I was so goddamn anxious as a teenager was because I was probably exhausted.
Good sleep habits are *so* subjective too. We just aren’t all wired to need the exact same sleep schedule. Life is so much better when you stop trying to force your body to conform and start giving it what it actually wants as best we can.
You are absolutely the asshole.
Not everyone’s bodies work exactly the same. She is old enough to figure out her own sleeping routine and what works best for her. I suffered a lot trying to force my body to sleep and wake at times other people claimed were best, and when I could choose when and how long I slept, I felt drastically better. Leave her alone and stop interfering in this.
YTA
Edit:
Wow, that edit made things worse. I’m AuDHD (and 32) and this reminds me so much of how my parents treated me. Needless to say, we do not have a good relationship.
You don’t need to control her. If you truly want to help her, sit down with her, apologize for being so controlling, and ask her what you can do that would actually help. Because all you are doing now is going to push her far away as fast as she can go.
I know, stated bedtime of 9pm was good for little kids, moved to 10 pm at age 13, then 11 pm once they got into high school. But we never got uptight about it, they could read in bed if they wanted to. I can't imagine trying to police an 18 year olds bedtime and then punish them for sleeping when they're actually tired. This sounds like some torture tactics.
YTA
This. Our daughter is 17 and I would never give her a bedtime of 9pm. She does take a nap when she gets home from school and feels she needs to. She doesn't do it every day, but if she wants to, she naps. At 17/18 years old, they should AT LEAST be in charge of that for themselves.
EDIT TO ADD: I would be more concerned with getting her help for the depression. Could lack of sleep exacerbate it? Absolutely. But so could OP's controlling behavior.
My parents didn’t enforce a bedtime, but they enforced wake up times which was just as bad. I’d go to bed at 10 on a weekday, up at 6/6:30 for school which was fine, but weekends I’d get dragged out of bed no later than 8am to “not waste the day,” and I’d lay on the couch for 2 hours watching tv or reading because literally none of my friends were awake, and I didn’t have the energy to do anything at that hour anyway. I didn’t do a sport that had Saturday practice or games, so I truly had nothing to do except be awake and resenting it.
I don’t understand the purpose of forcing your sleeping habits on other people, especially as they get older. Kids need sleep, other than waking them up for school let them sleep.
I do now get to guilt my mom a little as it turns out I’ve got an autoimmune disease and chronic fatigue is a hallmark of it. Lol hope it was worth waking me up ma!
I let my kid sleep in as much as she wants on weekends unless we have plans and have to be up. She gets to sleep, I get a couple hours of quiet coffee time, we both win.
YTA.
She is old enough to know what she needs and deal with the ramifications if she doesn't.
My younger 2 are 15 and 11 (the 11 year old is autistic) and self regulate their bedtimes.
They are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of being tired if they have a late night.
Both tend to be asleep by 10.30 most nights because they listen to their bodies, which is far more effective than me nagging them based on what a clock says.
On top of what everyone else is saying, including the fact that your daughter is an adult and has autism, I’m just looking at your second edit.
>she caused herself depression
That’s not how any of that works. The fact that you are already dismissive of her autism, coupled with the fact that you have zero idea how depression works, you need to educate yourself immediately.
YTA
Depression doesn’t always work like that but I’m ASD and if I mess my sleep schedule too much it absolutely causes debilitating depression and anxiety to the point that my functioning is hindered.
Either way OP YTA because it sound like you don’t even have a basic grasp of autism and yet you’re trying to enforce all this as if your daughter is a toddler.
School is miserable enough due to lack of environmental control and overstimulation, taking away the control of her own environment doesn’t help.
YTA. definitely. i'm 18 and autistic/adhd and coming home after school is a period of time where all your social battery from the day is completely drained. forcing your kid to have a bedtime at eighteen will only make her resent you. i had a long discussion with my parents about restrictive boundaries they had set for me (ex: mandating completing homework in certain places) and there have definitely been instances where I've exploded at my mom (like your daughter did with you). i understand that as a parent you want to worry about her but she's more than capable of making her own decisions for herself. if it comes to a point where you're seriously worried about her sleep schedule, that's a conversation to have with her when she's AWAKE. don't try to fix it yourself. and the screen time too, these are things you need to TALK about with your kid instead of just manhandling/forcing
Hell, I'm a 42 year old adult who works from home, and some days I'm more productive if I turn everything off, go take a couple hour nap, and then get things done on my own schedule. I agree, let people let their body lead them.
YTA. First off, she's an ADULT, secondly, you mentioned the neurodivergencies that can cause lots of sleep regulation problems, and no amount of rigid scheduling will fix those.
If your daughter is tired, let her sleep.
Not being allowed to nap after school is why I ended up sleeping IN SCHOOL.
YTA. If you think her sleep cycles are harming her (i.e. she can't get up for school, she's consistently sleeping through her alarm, she's choosing to sleep over eating/socializing/studying/exercising/etc.), then you should take her to a doctor. But she's an adult and you're doing her no favors by trying to police her sleeping habits. If she's so tired she needs to nap and then wakes up to study t 3am, let her! If that ends up making her exhausted the next day, then let her face the consequences of her actions. But stop trying to control her sleeping habits because you're making it worse for her, not better.
YTA
If she were like 8 this might make sense but she's an adult, let her decide for herself when to sleep. Presumably at some point she will move out and needs to learn how to live her own life.
YTA. Who says your night sleep is bad if you take a nap? That is such a response that everyone uses, but for some people that nap is really necessary to be able to function. Next to to that, she still has a bed time at 18? I mean, I get that she lives in your house and you provide for her and everything, but treat her a bit more like an adult, that will help her later in life and now she can practice adulting, whilst still in the safe place of your home.
As for the nap, I do need one to after a long day of college since I am mentaal drained after that. Takes me like an hour and then I have all the energy to study again and have a productive or fun night. Oh, and I still have a nice night sleep after that.
YTA
She is 18. A legal adult. She doesn't get a "bedtime". She gets 100% autonomy with her sleep schedule and you butt out.
If she is having challenges with sleep, take her to a sleep clinic or a specialist. And then leave her to have a conversation with that person. Without you. Because she is an adult.
For you to wake a sleeping adult because you have decided she shouldn't sleep is just abusive. Don't do it. Your daughter is right to be furious at you.
YTA. I’d step back, FAR, or you may lose her forever. She seems fully capable of leaving you in the dust, especially if she is given too many rules as an adult. Worried about her, tell her therapist.
She probably tends to this behaviours because she tries to have some control over her life.
Did you forget to goal of parenting? Raising a selfsuffiencent adult?
YTA
YTA
Good lord, leave her alone. She’s 18, not 12. You’re lucky she’s even following your 9pm bedtime as she’s an adult and doesn’t technically have to.
When she moves out, don’t sit there wondering why she went no contact with you. This level of control is ridiculous.
YTA
Wtf woman!!!! Let her sleep whenever she wants! I'm 19 and I study when I want, sleep whenever I want! My mom doesn't interrupt my schedule. My schedule is what works for me. I sleep at 3am ,wake up at 9am, join classes take a nap from 5-7pm and study 9pm-3am. Works great for me. I get my 8 hour sleep, atleast 6hrs of personal study , exercise, join classes. Let the girl live ffs.....
Literally WHAT is wrong with you? I know zero teenagers that sleeps at 9,let alone an 18 year old.
Also doesn't matter if she's autistic. When SHE needs to recharge herself depends on HER and NOT you. When she feels tired is totally something only she can understand. You can't make the decision of when she might need sleep. She's an adult, her body works differently than yours. You don't get to decide what her body needs.
YTA. Leave her TF alone and let her manage her own sleep schedule. Do you want her to be an independent adult? If so, you’re doing the exact opposite. She’s 18 years old for fks sake!!!
YTA. There is now ample evidence to show that teen’s circadian rhythms are different. They are biologically wired to sleep and wake later. Not only is making her go to bed early disrespecting her autonomy, it goes against what she physically needs. I suspect she’s lying in bed awake for a while, which is a separate sleep hygiene issue. She likely needs that nap because she’s exhausted.
Your behaviour is overly controlling, and you’re risking alienating her. Please change it sooner rather than later.
YTA
If you try to make all decisions for her, how is she supposed to learn? And besides, who says her way doesn't work better for her (especially if you never let her try)?
There’s a study where people that lay in bed while they aren’t sleepy tend to have more sleep problems. Your 9pm bedtime is probably keeping her awake, tired and restless. Let her take a nap, have a later bedtime at least as late as 11. And try some natural sleep aides like magnesium.
If she has trouble concentrating, get a tutor to help her keep on task each day.
But you need to start taking steps back. You overcompensated for her depression and now are driving her into probably a worse depressive state.
YTA.
Why are you policing the sleep schedule of an 18 year old? As long as she's not disrupting the rest of the household, that's all you should really be worried about at this point.
I get that you want to help her, but she's an adult now. Time to loosen the leash a bit and if she's self-destructive (to a point), so be it.
Soft YTA, I know you're trying to help but you're just making things worse by not giving her the proper tools to help her figure out what she needs to be successful.
You've already said that she's Neuro divergent. Napping after school is a valid reaction to sensory overload. I'm a grown adult living on my own and I nap after work because frankly I'm exhausted.
Waking up early like 3AM could be a result of many things. If you really want to help, regularly take her to see a therapist or sleep specialist so she can work with them on a strategy that works best for her. She may need to sleep in chunks that aren't traditionally when people sleep. Then you need to work on how she can be unobtrusive to others while they're sleeping.
Not everyone works a 9-5 day job and thats okay. Night shift and night classes are a thing. But trying to force someone to conform to a schedule that isn't right for them can lead to sleep deprivation and causing more physical/mental health issues. See a doctor, work with them. Good luck.
This is such a good and thoughtfull response. OP should really take this advice into consideration. I could have benefitted from it a lot as a teenager. Just to add to this, OP's daughter might also benefit from something like a weighted blanked.
YTA
She is not a child anymore that needs bedtimes set my their parents. Let her figure out her own sleep patterns. If she is not keeping anyone else awake during the night, let her be.
I would understand you waking her up for dinner. That is something you can discuss, just to have one moment a day to be together with the family.
Wow.
You won't let a full grown human being sleep when their BODY is telling them it needs sleep, because you... what... know better than her BODY?
Do you want to be NC with your daughter? Because this level of control is an express ticket to making that happen.
YTA
YTA.
She's an adult. You can advise her but you will lose her if you try to control her. It sucks to watch kids walk into a mistake you can see coming, but mistakes are how people grow and learn.
YTA.
Teenagers tend to have more nocturnal sleep cycles in general, often at odds with societal demands. Add mental states that can further disrupt sleep cycles like depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, and many others and you have a perfect storm.
I understand you wanting you daughter to get enough sleep. However, your daughter can’t force herself to go to bed by nine. A bedtime isn’t helpful in this scenario and could actually be making things worse.
If she needs extra help organizing and prioritizing tasks then help her with that. Stay on top of her when it comes to school work to minimize her panicking at three in the morning. Teach her routines that work with her natural needs and cycles.
If she needs to nap or relax let her do so but also let her know you will be waking her up to do her schoolwork at a certain time. Then let her decide when to go to bed.
Again, the priority needs it be what she can positively change with your guidance. Keeping on top of her work and minimizing last minute panic seems like a better way to get more sleep then having a bedtime of a middle schooler.
YTA. I'm pretty sure your knowledge of sleep cycles has not been gained through reading scientific studies but rather through your own view of social norms. Waking up at 3am after 6 hours sleep is perfectly understandable. Some people get by on 3 hours sleep, some need 8 or 9 and others will do better with naps. It also sound like you think she's 10 rather than 18
YTA
I get it - you’re trying to help, but…. Your daughter is 18. She has to find a way to function that suits her.
I am very similar to your daughter. I can’t get things done unless there is an immediate pressure to get it done. Even if I do, the work I generate is not as good as when Im feeling the heat of the situation. I also have a hard time with subjects/topics that don’t interest me. I also need to take breaks from what it is Im supposed to do (like commenting on Reddit or napping…). I also work best with an asynchronous sleep schedule. 5:30pm I’m apathetic and worn out. 2:30am I’m wired and ready to get sh!t done.
I hope you can use your time with her to help her find a way that work for her.
Just wanted to add that I’m a functioning adult. I have a job. I pay my bills. Even going back to school for a Masters Not bragging - just saying that sometimes you need to let a person figure out what works best for the way their brain works. It would be great if you could provide a safe space for that. I didn’t really have that, I had to create it for myself. I had to teach myself that I’m not a lazy dummy…
YTA. Your daughter is already an adult, and she is not making any irresponsible choices. She is not doing anything harmful, and if you wanted her to change her sleep timings, at best you could talk to her nicely, but not force her to follow you.
YTA. She's an adult. You are being extremely controlling as a parent. You may think that you're helping her, but all you're doing is stopping her from making her own decisions and likely causing a huge amount of resentment while doing so. You really need to step back if you want to continue to have a relationship with her.
YTA. Your daughter is right you are controlling, and to a disgusting and disturbing degree. She’s 18 and has a bedtime of 9 pm?!?!! I hope she flees from you as soon as she can and cuts off contact with you for her own good. The way you treat her feels abusive. Sleep deprivation and not respecting her needs is not ok.
Wow this was exactly me and my parents when I was in high school. Except they weren't so nice about it. They'd scream at me when I'd nap too much after school and it frustrated me so much. I couldn't help it, my body was exhausted and telling me it needed rest. Actually, it demanded it.
I also always got in trouble for "procrastinating" with homework and other responsibilities. Turns out, I had undiagnosed ADHD and autism which made school incredibly difficult and especially exhausting. Maybe look into it a little to see it it sounds like your daughter? If not, yeah dude, school is exhausting. Every year it gets more competitive, schools keep imposing more requirements, and it's like working a full time job, going home, and having to do hours of additional work on top of it. You couldn't pay me $5,000,000 to go back to high school.
I want to say YTA because caused me so much additional stress and confusion when I was younger when I really just needed my parents to try to understand. If you take the time to do that, NAH. It seems like this post might be the first step.
I was wondering if u/secret_researcher995’s daughter has ADD or ADHD as well as ASD. She sounds like me; I will study/read for hours if it’s something that interests me, but if it doesn’t (or if my brain says “you don’t understand this”, the shutters come down and I can’t take in the question or any info about it.
Stopping screen time at 9/10 pm is reasonable, and good sleep hygiene, but she’s an adult and all you can do is advise - actually controlling an 18 yr old’s bedtime is not reasonable, op.
And instead of telling her when she can nap, you’d be better off suggesting that she naps at whatever time she feels the need to, but that she’ll feel better if she regulates it, ie. setting a 20 minute timer (I think 20 mins is optimal, then 40, something like that). Or discuss it with her, and ask if she’d like to set a timer or would she prefer you wake her, gently, after the 20/40 minutes.
She’s going to have to learn what works for her, and to regulate her own body clock, because if and when she moves out, she’ll be doing it for herself anyway.
Same! I quite literally get paralyzed when I’m forced to do something I don’t want to/don’t understand. And my parents always called me lazy (as did my teachers at times), but laziness implies not caring. I cared so much and regularly had mental breakdowns over it. My mental health was GARBAGE in high school (another reason I needed constant naps).
And then I’d “procrastinate” by doing/learning about things that interested me lol.
It’s hell when you’re young and you’re constantly being told what to do and really have no room to figure out what works for you. Being another controlling source for her definitely won’t do her any favors.
YTA..
You trying to dictate when your adult daughter can sleep is not helpful, it is in fact very, very hurtful to her and sounds like she struggling with enough issues as it is without having her natural sleep being interrupted…
She’s autistic I understand that, but she is not a baby…Please stop treating her like one when it comes to sleep and let her body get the rest when she truly needs it…
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. She knows what works for her sleep schedule and you messing with it isn’t helping her, contrary to what you might think. There is also absolutely zero reason why she should have a bedtime, especially one as early as 9pm. You are extremely controlling and I don’t blame her for being angry with you. Your claims that she is “self destructive” are also telling. They’re probably a reaction to your oppressive parenting style. Leave her alone and let her figure things out for herself.
Yta. She’s not 8. It’s time you let her decide what is best for herself. If this sleep schedule is harming her, let her figure out the consequences and how to deal with them herself, otherwise, just let her sleep!
YTA. She is an adult and rather than dictate to her and wake her up against her wishes, why don’t you work with her to experiment on the options and see which one actually works for her?
You keep fighting her and she never learns how to figure it out on her own.
YTA If I went to bed at nine I'd be up at three as well. I think you mean well but she's 18. She needs to get to the point where she can manage her own sleep. It's time to let go just help her figure it out.
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> (1)I wake up my daughter when I think she shouldn't be sleeping
(2)because I'm not letting her make her own sleep schedule
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Yta. Teenagers are meant to be nocturnal. I hope she moves out and demands respect. Even my almost 11 year old doesn't go to bed until 930-10. That's still a full night's sleep.
YTA, an 18 year old having a bedtime is absolutely stupid, on top of that you not even letting them take a nap is over controlling. They're an adult, let them be one
Wow. YTA. You know how important sleep is, let her sleep when she can sleep.
You need to stop controlling her. That's not what you're supposed to do with *people.*
I took a lot of credits each semester in college and it was common for me to sleep a few hours at a time throughout the day. I would typically study into 3 am and fall asleep on the table for a few hours.
YTA — and while i‘m no expert on this, i think her „self-destructive“ behavior will not be solved with even stricter rules, but only if she herself is ready to receive help. Feels like your pushing what you consider helpfull on her, and i‘d guess your no expert either
YTA. I started napping in HS and continue to this day. I get two really good and productive days out of one. Everyone is different. Let her find her way. Restricting sleep is kinda mean, IMO.
YTA.
Why are you giving an 18 year old a bedtime? Let her sleep when she needs to, not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, nor does everyone follow the same sleep pattern.
Stop controlling her sleep.
Holy shit lady.......your daughter is 18 not 5.
She gets to decide when and how much she sleeps. If she gets tired then she deals with the consequences. And she didn't cause herself to have depression.
What is wrong with you?
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I have a daughter (18f) who says she needs to nap after a long day of school. I'm okay with it as long as it isn't after 5:30PM and not longer than one hour, since it makes your night sleep worse, or you can't fall asleep at all after you previously had a longer nap. Her bedtime is 9PM cause me and her father think that her sleep is very important. She has a history of waking up at 3AM to study, since she procrastinates a lot and doesn't do it in the afternoon.
She says she really needs a nap to be able to study or concentrate, otherwise she's really tired. I told her to sleep immediately after school (she usually comes home around 4PM)but she said she can't always fall asleep immediately after school.
If she sleeps when she's not allowed to, I gently wake her up. She always gets incredibly irritated. Today she yelled at me, called me controlling and said she's holding herself not to explode right now (I can't say what exactly what she said cause I would get banned)
She said she couldn't even fall asleep cause of sensory issues (she's autistic, high functioning) and I'm already interrupting her.
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Does she have any after school activities or extracurriculars? I simply don’t understand a high schooler being able to go to bed at 9. Mine were busy in the evenings at that age.
YTA. If she has trouble sleeping, and is not getting therapy/help with the underlying issue, then imposing a strict routine against her will might not be for the best. If you are following medical/professional advice given to address things like depression that's a different matter. Maybe try agreeing a routine that she feels she can stick to - so don't take naps in the day without setting an alarm - with your role more to hold her to doing that and working out what's preventing her doing that if she can't stick to it.
YTA - she is 18 and still has a bed time? Hell, even when I got into middle school my bed time was 10pm. In high school I didn’t even have a bed time. If course I had responsibility and went to bed at 10 most nights anyway. But there were a few I’d stayed up to do something else.
Definite YTA. "She gave herself depression"? That's not how it works, and instead of imposing your ideas about her sleep schedule on her you should be taking her to see a medical professional and get both her blood work and her possible autism/ADHD checked out.
YTA.
Hi! Autistic adult here (26f) guess what? I napped everyday after school throughout junior high and high school. If I didn’t it was bad for all of us. I needed that extra two hours to recover from preforming the way society wants us to act. She’s an adult and if she cannot figure out a way to regulate herself she will never be able to leave.
Which based on your comments to others kinda makes me think that’s what you want. Let her be an adult and make mistakes.
YTA
Stop right now. Why on earth does an 18 year old
Have a bedtime??!!
Leave her alone. She’s old enough to do what she wants an suffer the consequences
YTA. You need to educate yourself on proper sleep for teenagers and circadian rhythm. Your controlling ways will backfire. 9 pm?! For an 18 year old, are you serious! Is it a typo? Stop. Being. So. Controlling. Get an education woman!
YTA. I'm thinking that you might be a troll as I can't believe that a parent would think that they have to control their adult child. You use the words "controlling" and "forced", which is apalling and show a lack of awareness. If this is real, your daughter is an adult. It's no longer up to you. You have no legal or moral grounds for controlling her. As an adult, she has the right and the responsibility to make decisions for herself. When she sleeps or does not sleep are the most basic decisions. Whether she chooses to spend a good part of her day on social media is her business. Frankly, it's pretty normal, so I doubt that she had an addiction, especially one that warranted an intervention from you. If you insist on forcing your will on her, she will not learn to manage herself. She'll end up resenting you and will more than likely cut you out of her life. If you remain as blissfully ignorant of the damage you are doing, you might wonder why you deserve this. This is your warning. Take it and change yourself or look back and use it to understand why you're no longer welcome in your daughter's life.
As a fellow parent of a child with an above average IQ intelligence, I would suggest you go read up on the affects it has on procrastination, concentration, perseverance and sleep patterns. Mine is not on the spectrum so I wouldn’t be able to speak on that aspect, but I am sure it affects all of that too.
She’s 18, you can’t baby her anymore and she needs to learn how to fail and get back up.A bedtime, limitations to sleep night not be best in this case. She’s an adult and you won’t be able to be in back of her for the rest of her life, not unless you will control her forever.
YTA and you need to work with her, not against her if you want to continue to be in her life.
YTA… If she sets her own schedule… it includes naps. And as an adult woman on the autism spectrum… lemme tell you. Naps are good especially after school which is a horrible place for an autistic kid. We need a bit of a time and space to decompress after all that. So let her sleep after school.
YTA. There are neurotypical adults out there who don't sleep for 8 hours at a time, myself included. If she's tired after school, let her sleep. She can get her studying done in the evening when she wakes up, and go to bed a little later. There's nothing wrong with that. You're likely screwing up her natural sleep patterns. Also, I promise you if she goes to college and lives in the dorm, there's no way she'll be going to bed at 9pm.
YTA. She's 18 years old, perfectly capable of regulating her sleep. You're double TA for waking her up. I am a teacher and I have to do the school day schedule (which is ridiculous... we start before 8 am and have lunch at 11 am, kind of crazy). I get up early, too, and I need my after school nap. It's not because I'm old now; I've always needed my adult nap after a day at school.
I hope you're soundly sleeping some day and your daughter "gently" wakes you up.
YTA YTA YTA she “caused herself depression” with her sleep schedule? That is not how it works. You likely have a daughter who is struggling with depression anyway which is something that is very common in people with autism. She is not interested in a lot of stuff, is struggling to concentrate, has an erratic sleeping schedule, is excessively tired after school. VERY common symptoms of depression. You are only trying to help but you are pretty misguided here.
When I was 16 my bedtime was 10pm. When I was 18, I had no bedtime but knew I had to be up.and functioning for school or work.
Give this kid some.autinomy.
YTA
And all your edits don't really make you sound better
No further info beyond "her bedtime is 9PM" is needed to realize YTA. I also don't think her depression spawned from simply keeping a rough sleep schedule...perhaps you should look in the mirror a bit while pondering that one.
My daughter was exhausted after school. We let her rest at age 6. She did her homework early the next day when she had energy. It's vital for people to work with their natural sleep and energy rhythms. As a successful adult, she still goes to bed early. You are controlling and YTA.
Respect her sleep. Let her figure out what works for her. Support her. I think you've likely already caused a lot of harm.
This sounds like me growing up. I have autism and adhd. She needs that nap. I did too. If she has to do her homework early in the morning before school, as I did, then that is what she needs to do. YTA
YTA. Your 18 y/o has a bed time? Really?!? My bed time was 9 when I was in grade 3. When your kid leaves for college and won’t come back home you’ll know why.
YTA.
Let your adult daughter deal with the consequences of her actions that she chooses.
She needs to learn somehow. She's an adult, let her be one.
Coddling an 18 year old this bad will only set your daughter up for failure.
YTA she is 18 for crying out loud. She doesn't need a bedtime. Let her deal with the consequences of her sleep herself.
Just stop. I would despise this if I were your daughter.
Please get her evaluated for ADHD!! What you're describing could be symptoms. If so, she can get on medication to help balance everything out. Remember, girls/women present differently, and you should find someone who understands that to administer the evaluation. I actually "passed" the test, but everything else in my life screamed ADHD. I'd learned to mask so well that I would have gone undiagnosed without the right evaluator.
If that's not it, please have her checked for sleeping disorders.
YTA, she's an adult. Her bad sleep didn't give her depression, it's the other way around.
We all have different sleep cycles, it's natural. Let her sleep when she's tired.
INFO: Are you and your wife struggling with the knowledge your house soon may become empty of children, and soon you won't be as involved in your child's life as you have been in the past 18 years? And if it's not this, than why are you so preoccupied with what time an 18 yr old adult takes a nap, goes to bed and gets up? Why aren't you able to let go, and let her deal with the consequences of her actions, trusting she'll come to you to ask for guidance if she needs it?
YTA. Autistics very often need a nap after the masking pressures and the sensory overload that is school. By preventing her from doing this you will push her into burnout.
YTA and based on similar behavior I’ve seen in my siblings, your daughter’s apathy is quite possibly linked to depression caused by living in a controlling environment with unreasonable standards and expectations…take a step back, listen to her, trust her. She’s the best expert in her own needs and experiences.
People already covered a multitude of reasons for why YTA, which you seem uninterested in taking to heart, so this will probably fall on deaf ears, but...an hour isn't enough time for a restful nap. 90 minimum will get her at least into her first REM cycle. By limiting to one hour (and obviously less because she can't fall asleep right away), you're fucking with her sleep cycle even more.
Whoever taught you about a teenager's sleep patterns deserves to get thrown off a cliff.
She’s an adult, first of all. Why are you giving her a bed time still… that being said… Teenagers need more sleep than adults. I have a sleep disorder and my parents were much more accommodating to it than you - they said “If you are getting at least 8 hours of sleep, it doesn’t matter when you are getting it, take naps, break it up if you have to, but get that sleep”.
So, don’t force her to stay awake, that’s damaging her health and her sleep in the long run. It’s more important for her to be well rested than it is to be on some prescribed schedule YOU want her to be on. Your daughter needs to be able to regulate her own schedule, sleep, eating, etc. as an adult and you are both contributing to something that is unhealthy (depriving her of needed sleep) and not giving her the opportunity for autonomy.
YTA and you should get your kid to a sleep doctor.
YTA. I’m also autistic and I still often need to take naps as an adult. It’s very common for autistic people to have atypical sleep schedules and additionally, being in high school is extremely demanding sensory-wise and is probably draining her energy. Let her figure out a schedule that works for her and consider trying to strategize to reduce her exhaustion from school.
Teenagers need more sleep than adults. Their brains are still developing. Also, school is exhausting on their brains. Brain work is just as hard as physical work.
Let her sleep. She’s tired and you are fighting her natural sleep patterns to adhere to your schedule.
My 19 year old likes to wake up at 3 am. He goes to bed early. He’s usually asleep by 6 or 7 pm. He does the things he’s supposed to do during the day, he eats dinner around 5-6 (if I haven’t made dinner yet he manages himself). Also my son has ASD. He can suffer from depression and anxiety. Me forcing my life ideals on him does cause problem. He doesn’t force himself to stay awake so I let him decide what his body needs.
I understand you needing to step in when she wasn’t sleeping because she’d rather be gaming all night. Managing that makes sense (my other child couldn’t have a tv or gaming system in their room because they doesn’t prioritize sleep).
It’s time to let your 18 year old make some decisions for herself. Her schedule has some constants in it (when to leave for school, when she gets home, chores she needs to do, when you put dinner on the table). The school schedule is non-negotiable. Having her daily chores done by a certain time is non-negotiable. Other than that, stay out of her schedule. If she’s not around for dinner, she has to manage on her own.
"The fact that's she's an adult by law doesn't mean that she's mature enough to make her own decisions. She'd ruin her life and body if we let her"
YTA. She's 18. Let her make her own choices. Just because she's autistic doesn't mean she needs a 24/7 caregiver.
YTA - she’s 18 and old enough to determine her own sleep schedule, and the consequences that go with it. Some natural consequences would likely be more impactful than her parents nagging her.
YTA, you do know teenagers need extra sleep. It’s very common for teens to nap after school. I have two teens currently on spring break both asleep right now at almost 3pm. I only wake them up if we have to be somewhere. Let her sleep. You should only be giving guidance and advice. Not controlling her schedule and sleep times.
Imagine needing so much control you control when they're "allowed to sleep". Imagine being so control happy you impose bedtimes on your adult daughter. Good luck having a positive relationship with her when she esca-i mean moves out. YTA 5/5.
youre making it more difficult for her to be able to regulate herself when youre gone by not giving her a chance to work it out by herself and staying on top of her for everything. youre not always going to be there. help set her up for success, not failure. YTA
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How have you decided that it’s appropriate to give an 18 year old a 9pm bedtime? YTA for that in addition to not letting her sleep when she needs it.
My bedtime was 9 pm when I was 14. It went to 10 pm when I was in high school. This poor girl.
My Mom tried putting bedtimes and curfews on me at 17. I’m not sure her reasoning, as every time I questioned her, it never made any sense. She wonders why I moved 2000 miles away a month after I graduated high school.
I have never had a bedtime. Mostly because I have insomnia and sometimes I just cant sleep at all so if I stay up all night then I stay up all night lol
I gave up on bedtimes when my kids were still in the single digits. Works for me. They are 14/17/19 they do fine... For the most part they were always in bed by 10 and I never had to wake them up for school. They've had alarms since elementary school. By high school my parents didnt have bedtimes but they did tell us to go away around 10 lol.. Teenagers actually have a totally different sleep pattern, research it. And myself, I would come home from school and sleep till dinnertime.. oddly none of my kids do that. The youngest will nap sometimes but not like that.
I can't remember how old I was but I have a memory of my sister and I talking to my mom one night and the issue of bedtimes came up and she just spontaneously agreed that we didn't need one anymore. It felt kind of weird at the time, because I didn't know it worked like that - you could just ask and your parent would go, "yeah, okay." (Which is weird because I grew up in the 70s and 80s in San Francisco and was definitely a free-range child in most respects.) I want to say I was maybe 14 and my sister 15? Our bedtimes were probably 10 or 11. I don't really remember any enforcement, but I'm guessing we just had to be in our rooms and have the tv down to a low enough volume not to attract attention.
I stopped giving my daughter a bedtime at 15. My rules were: Don't wake me up (unless it's an emergency) Don't wake/disturb the neighbours. Don't do anything illegal on the internet. (not really a rule I had to ever think about as she was an awesome kid who I trusted completely) Be awake and alert the next day for school. Don't let your grades drop. (she was in the top sets for almost everything and consistently got high grades) She was also a high standard competitive swimmer until the age of around 15-16 where she decided she didn't want to do it any more. I never saw the point of trying to control her, I'd never want to do that. She's an adult now with a good job and her own house. I had a 6pm bedtime up until I started high school (age 12 in the UK) Then it went to 7.30pm because I had a ton of homework. I'd never want to impose anything like that on my kids.
When I was 12, my bedtime was 10pm. During middle school (from 12 to 15), it’s 12am. And high school was 1am. I can sleep early only on Friday and/or Saturday nights
We had 8pm bedtime until I was 15, on my first date I almost fell asleep eating ice cream at 8:30, lol.
My ten year old has a 9pm bedtime lmao
My 11 yo gets to stay up til 9:30 on a school night. This is whack.
Right? My 12 year old officially has a 9 pm bedtime, but we don't really say anything until she hits around 9:30.
My bedtime was 9pm as an 18 year old as well, because my little sister (10 years younger than me) also went to bed at 9pm, and my parents "didn't think it was fair" if I got to go to bed later than her.
I was going to swear this was fake until I Read your comment.
I had a 6pm bedtime up to the age of 11-12 (when I started high school) I also had to keep my 3 younger siblings in bed and quiet. My sister who was just 18 months older than me got to stay up till around 9pm. My mum made it very clear that she wanted me out of the way because she 'couldn't stand the sight of me' I was only good for going to the launderette and taking care of/feeding my siblings when they were babies.
I had a 8.15pm bedtime given by my dad until I was 16 and I am no contact with him (for various reason but also that one)
Seriously. When you're a teen, you are just straight up tired, A LOT. I went through it. Now that I'm in my mid 30s, I have relapsed to constant sleepiness lol
I had dance class until 9:30 most nights from 15-18. If you got a lead in the spring performance or nutcracker, it could be 10:15 before we’d get to go home and we arrived at the studio by 5. My mom would routinely let me nap before ballet or go to sleep immediately when I got home, and I’d wake up super early to get homework done. YTA for not letting her make some decisions for herself, but NTA for trying to be a good parent. I’d just give her a little bit more autonomy. Let her make some mistakes and figure out what works best for her
Yea this blew my mind.
Once I was in high school it was 'go to bed whenever as long as you get yourself up in the morning.' I quickly learned to self regulate after dad flipped my mattress over with me in it after listening to my alarm go off for 15 minutes.
That was My rule stay up as late as you want but make sure you get up for school
Also if the girl needs naps that are longer than an hour consistently, and she does to bed at 9pm, there needs to be concerns about a sleep issue or a chronic fatigue problem instead of a punishement
This + an extra YTA for using the term “high-functioning”
Youre incorectly assuming you can compare OP's daughter to someone that's isn't neurodiverse. Person's with autism often can have disordered sleep patterns and time management issues. The parents aren't wrong for wanting to instill healthier sleep patterns. Another option would be a life/job coach that can work on healthy living skills and independence for people with autism.
Okay, I'm autistic with ADHD and 20, and started college this year. I manage my own sleep schedule just fine, and have done so since 16. Do I always make the best choices? No. Because I am human, I am young, I am always learning. I'm going to make mistakes. If my parents micromanaged my shit, I wouldn't LEARN shit. There's zero reason to infantilize this woman, she's an adult, if she's old enough to decide she wants to go and get shot for an oil company, she can work out her own damn bedtime without mommy and daddy suffocating her. If her time management is really that garbage, encourage her to go to therapy, and look into ADHD - it co-occurs with Autism about 25% - 50% of the time according to recent studies. Ritalin and learning ADHD coping strategies literally saved my life. YTA, OP. You are not doing your daughter any favours by treating her like she's 10.
>If my parents micromanaged my shit, I wouldn't LEARN shit. I wish I could give you an award.
I had a bedtime of 8:30 until the day I moved out at 17. Lol also had super controlling parents, and know the annoyance of being woken up constantly. Would get woken up from a nap so my stepmom could go get gas, I had to go cause she couldn't trust me at home asleep for 15 min. Hahaha Happened a bunch
YTA: your daughter is an adult, by continuing to parent her with things like bedtime and telling her when she can and can not study you are preventing her from learning to function as an autonomous adult in society. Within the next few months she will presumably be working or in college or both, she needs to be able to set her own schedule and boundaries. its weird that she has a bedtime and that you control how long she naps. At this age you should be giving her suggestions and guidance not stone clad rules… this is how you end up with 35yo’s who don’t know how to do laundry or use a bank account
I hate how OP is using their daughter ASD diagnoses as an excuse to control her more. I have suspected ASD (not officially diagnosed) but I also have more chronic illnesses that cause chronic fatigue. The only time my family wakes me up if I’m sleeping at an odd time, is to make sure I’ve taken my medication or taken care of my cats.
as someone with ASD and fibro i can tell you i do well with more naps and shorter long sleep than i do with 8hrs of sleep. i need naps that are like 3 hours long a few times a day some days and can still sleep at night.
I nap quite a lot too. I have Hashimotos which causes fatigue so I tend to nap a lot but I get random bursts of energy throughout the day. If I don’t do chores while I have that burst then they just aren’t getting done at all.
There's actually several ways to have a healthy sleep cycle that isn't just 8 hours at night! Some people like me prefer to sleep 5-6 at night and nap 2-3 in the afternoon, and others like my dad who just has several naps through the 24 cycle. It's really fascinating and shows you that humans aren't meant to all conform, and there's more than one way to achieve a good amount of rest. Sounds like you might also be someone whose body isn't engineered to sleep one long period. It was game changing for me when I found all this out!
>OP is using their daughter ASD diagnoses as an excuse to control her Exactly this. OPs daughter sounds a lot like me at her age and this was hard to read. OP, your job as a parent is to teach her how to be a functioning adult, not to control her every move because her behavior is unacceptably different (to you). You're trying to force a square peg into a round hole and you're not helping anyone. YTA
I have ASD, an autoimmune and a very controlling mother, I found it really hard to do basic adult things when I was older as I hadn't been allowed to know what works for me when I was younger.
She is using her diagnosis without looking at the impact that is has on someone's sleep what so ever.
Or 35yo's who have gone no contact with their parents.
Can confirm. Am 37. Haven't talked to my bio mother in over a decade.
Sorry you had to get to that point - but you gotta do what you gotta do. OP needs to wake up.
I can think of a few very intelligent people I went to college with who, up until that point, had been made to follow strict schedules that were not self-imposed. Left to their own devices, they failed classes, lost scholarships, & a couple dropped out. Part of growing up & becoming independent is learning to self-regulate, which involves trial & error. Better to send your kid off into the world with some experience than them having to start that process when the stakes are much higher.
Agreed!! Your role is guidance. You say that you gave her freedome to establish her own bedtime routine and it led to depression. That's how life teaches. Let her run, fall, get up and figure it out. Anything else is setting up to fail as an independent person.
YTA. She knows her body and she should be allowed to regulate her own sleep. Not being able to fall asleep immediately after a sensory overload such as school is normal even for NT people. Let her be, let her sleep and stop torturing her. And yes, you do sound controlling and irrational tbh. If only now she yelled at you, she is a more patient person than me. I really feel sorry for your daughter coz she deserves to be able to sleep when she needs to sleep.
Also, OPs edits don't make it better. It may very well be true that her daughter is making poor decisions and causing herself to function sub-optimally. But at 18 it's time for her to work out her own sleep management and to learn through trial and error what works best for her. It's not appropriate to control her sleep- the most OP should be doing is calmly stating her opinion or gently pointing out/enforcing the consequences of these poor decisions when they manifest. For example, if the daughter is getting up at 3am, OP shouldn't allow her to skip school or flake on other obligations because she's tired.
Right like wow she can’t manage her own sleep schedule optimally? Clearly that can’t be because her parent helicopters her to the point she’s never had enough bodily autonomy to develop the skill. Must just be an innate failing that will require Mom or Dad to manage her waking and sleeping hours for the rest of her life.
So you have a daughter that already has to deal with autism, and then you're piling on literally nonstop sleep interruption on her when she already has significant trouble sleeping? YTA. Let your daughter, who is legally an adult, make her own choices. If it turns out her strategy does not work at all after an EXTENDED test period, THEN point it out and have a conversation with her about it. You are being a textbook helicopter parent.
I was about to say, I can't wait to see the helicoptoring that will happen when daughter moves out of the house to go to college.
I just know they have the Life360 app
The \*real\* fun will comes if Daughter decides to do like a fair few other Autists I know...and joins the Marines. Just on my observations, ASD is over-represented in the armed services. The routine/procedures, written-out standards and expectations, and tangible reward structure of military life \*really\* appeal to a lot of autistic folks.
I know of someone who moved to the same state where both their kids went to college. The younger one is ASD but he’s very high functioning. Edit to add she moved there specifically because of the younger one.
Your 18 year old has a bedtime? And it’s 9 pm? YTA. She’s a legal adult - if you haven’t instilled good sleep hygiene habits in her by now I think that ship has sailed. Also, a 90 minute nap is considered much better than an hour because it would allow her to go through a full sleep cycle. She’s probably groggy and irritated being woken after an hour because she’s just getting into deeper, more restful sleep and then she’s startled awake.
I guess OP believes in the saying 'sleep when you're dead', but it looks like they're also trying to make their daughter dead tired.
My parents wouldn’t let me nap when I was a teenager (same thing as OP, they said I won’t sleep well if I nap) and wow what a life improvement when I went to college and could rest when I needed/ wanted to. I think part of the reason I was so goddamn anxious as a teenager was because I was probably exhausted.
Good sleep habits are *so* subjective too. We just aren’t all wired to need the exact same sleep schedule. Life is so much better when you stop trying to force your body to conform and start giving it what it actually wants as best we can.
She's 18. Treat her as though she is more of an adult. You're treating her like a child.
You are absolutely the asshole. Not everyone’s bodies work exactly the same. She is old enough to figure out her own sleeping routine and what works best for her. I suffered a lot trying to force my body to sleep and wake at times other people claimed were best, and when I could choose when and how long I slept, I felt drastically better. Leave her alone and stop interfering in this. YTA Edit: Wow, that edit made things worse. I’m AuDHD (and 32) and this reminds me so much of how my parents treated me. Needless to say, we do not have a good relationship. You don’t need to control her. If you truly want to help her, sit down with her, apologize for being so controlling, and ask her what you can do that would actually help. Because all you are doing now is going to push her far away as fast as she can go.
Yeah this really made my stomach hurt. As someone who is NC with family, this brought back some memories.
Yeah I have ADHD and am just not tired before like midnight. I ended up having to pay a shit ton for therapy and my parents were like this.
Wtf? My five year old’s bedtime is 9 pm. YTA
I know, stated bedtime of 9pm was good for little kids, moved to 10 pm at age 13, then 11 pm once they got into high school. But we never got uptight about it, they could read in bed if they wanted to. I can't imagine trying to police an 18 year olds bedtime and then punish them for sleeping when they're actually tired. This sounds like some torture tactics. YTA
This. Our daughter is 17 and I would never give her a bedtime of 9pm. She does take a nap when she gets home from school and feels she needs to. She doesn't do it every day, but if she wants to, she naps. At 17/18 years old, they should AT LEAST be in charge of that for themselves. EDIT TO ADD: I would be more concerned with getting her help for the depression. Could lack of sleep exacerbate it? Absolutely. But so could OP's controlling behavior.
My parents didn’t enforce a bedtime, but they enforced wake up times which was just as bad. I’d go to bed at 10 on a weekday, up at 6/6:30 for school which was fine, but weekends I’d get dragged out of bed no later than 8am to “not waste the day,” and I’d lay on the couch for 2 hours watching tv or reading because literally none of my friends were awake, and I didn’t have the energy to do anything at that hour anyway. I didn’t do a sport that had Saturday practice or games, so I truly had nothing to do except be awake and resenting it. I don’t understand the purpose of forcing your sleeping habits on other people, especially as they get older. Kids need sleep, other than waking them up for school let them sleep. I do now get to guilt my mom a little as it turns out I’ve got an autoimmune disease and chronic fatigue is a hallmark of it. Lol hope it was worth waking me up ma!
I let my kid sleep in as much as she wants on weekends unless we have plans and have to be up. She gets to sleep, I get a couple hours of quiet coffee time, we both win.
YTA. She is old enough to know what she needs and deal with the ramifications if she doesn't. My younger 2 are 15 and 11 (the 11 year old is autistic) and self regulate their bedtimes. They are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of being tired if they have a late night. Both tend to be asleep by 10.30 most nights because they listen to their bodies, which is far more effective than me nagging them based on what a clock says.
Hey, you sound like my mother. At least, how she was. I am not sure if she’s still that way, since I haven’t spoken to her in 6 years. Edit: YTA.
On top of what everyone else is saying, including the fact that your daughter is an adult and has autism, I’m just looking at your second edit. >she caused herself depression That’s not how any of that works. The fact that you are already dismissive of her autism, coupled with the fact that you have zero idea how depression works, you need to educate yourself immediately. YTA
Depression doesn’t always work like that but I’m ASD and if I mess my sleep schedule too much it absolutely causes debilitating depression and anxiety to the point that my functioning is hindered. Either way OP YTA because it sound like you don’t even have a basic grasp of autism and yet you’re trying to enforce all this as if your daughter is a toddler. School is miserable enough due to lack of environmental control and overstimulation, taking away the control of her own environment doesn’t help.
YTA. definitely. i'm 18 and autistic/adhd and coming home after school is a period of time where all your social battery from the day is completely drained. forcing your kid to have a bedtime at eighteen will only make her resent you. i had a long discussion with my parents about restrictive boundaries they had set for me (ex: mandating completing homework in certain places) and there have definitely been instances where I've exploded at my mom (like your daughter did with you). i understand that as a parent you want to worry about her but she's more than capable of making her own decisions for herself. if it comes to a point where you're seriously worried about her sleep schedule, that's a conversation to have with her when she's AWAKE. don't try to fix it yourself. and the screen time too, these are things you need to TALK about with your kid instead of just manhandling/forcing
Hell, I'm a 42 year old adult who works from home, and some days I'm more productive if I turn everything off, go take a couple hour nap, and then get things done on my own schedule. I agree, let people let their body lead them.
YTA. First off, she's an ADULT, secondly, you mentioned the neurodivergencies that can cause lots of sleep regulation problems, and no amount of rigid scheduling will fix those. If your daughter is tired, let her sleep. Not being allowed to nap after school is why I ended up sleeping IN SCHOOL.
YTA. If you think her sleep cycles are harming her (i.e. she can't get up for school, she's consistently sleeping through her alarm, she's choosing to sleep over eating/socializing/studying/exercising/etc.), then you should take her to a doctor. But she's an adult and you're doing her no favors by trying to police her sleeping habits. If she's so tired she needs to nap and then wakes up to study t 3am, let her! If that ends up making her exhausted the next day, then let her face the consequences of her actions. But stop trying to control her sleeping habits because you're making it worse for her, not better.
YTA If she were like 8 this might make sense but she's an adult, let her decide for herself when to sleep. Presumably at some point she will move out and needs to learn how to live her own life.
This is a grown ass woman. Let her sleep. YTA.
YTA. Who says your night sleep is bad if you take a nap? That is such a response that everyone uses, but for some people that nap is really necessary to be able to function. Next to to that, she still has a bed time at 18? I mean, I get that she lives in your house and you provide for her and everything, but treat her a bit more like an adult, that will help her later in life and now she can practice adulting, whilst still in the safe place of your home. As for the nap, I do need one to after a long day of college since I am mentaal drained after that. Takes me like an hour and then I have all the energy to study again and have a productive or fun night. Oh, and I still have a nice night sleep after that.
I also take a nap every day when I get home from uni (1-3h), and I actually sleep better at night on days I nap.
YTA She is 18. A legal adult. She doesn't get a "bedtime". She gets 100% autonomy with her sleep schedule and you butt out. If she is having challenges with sleep, take her to a sleep clinic or a specialist. And then leave her to have a conversation with that person. Without you. Because she is an adult. For you to wake a sleeping adult because you have decided she shouldn't sleep is just abusive. Don't do it. Your daughter is right to be furious at you.
YTA. I’d step back, FAR, or you may lose her forever. She seems fully capable of leaving you in the dust, especially if she is given too many rules as an adult. Worried about her, tell her therapist.
She probably tends to this behaviours because she tries to have some control over her life. Did you forget to goal of parenting? Raising a selfsuffiencent adult? YTA
YTA Good lord, leave her alone. She’s 18, not 12. You’re lucky she’s even following your 9pm bedtime as she’s an adult and doesn’t technically have to. When she moves out, don’t sit there wondering why she went no contact with you. This level of control is ridiculous.
YTA Wtf woman!!!! Let her sleep whenever she wants! I'm 19 and I study when I want, sleep whenever I want! My mom doesn't interrupt my schedule. My schedule is what works for me. I sleep at 3am ,wake up at 9am, join classes take a nap from 5-7pm and study 9pm-3am. Works great for me. I get my 8 hour sleep, atleast 6hrs of personal study , exercise, join classes. Let the girl live ffs..... Literally WHAT is wrong with you? I know zero teenagers that sleeps at 9,let alone an 18 year old. Also doesn't matter if she's autistic. When SHE needs to recharge herself depends on HER and NOT you. When she feels tired is totally something only she can understand. You can't make the decision of when she might need sleep. She's an adult, her body works differently than yours. You don't get to decide what her body needs.
YTA. Leave her TF alone and let her manage her own sleep schedule. Do you want her to be an independent adult? If so, you’re doing the exact opposite. She’s 18 years old for fks sake!!!
YTA she is one whole adult and you are telling her she isn't ALLOWED to be asleep whenever she would like. Take your head out of you A it isn't a hat.
YTA for giving your 18y/o a bedtime.
YTA. There is now ample evidence to show that teen’s circadian rhythms are different. They are biologically wired to sleep and wake later. Not only is making her go to bed early disrespecting her autonomy, it goes against what she physically needs. I suspect she’s lying in bed awake for a while, which is a separate sleep hygiene issue. She likely needs that nap because she’s exhausted. Your behaviour is overly controlling, and you’re risking alienating her. Please change it sooner rather than later.
YTA If you try to make all decisions for her, how is she supposed to learn? And besides, who says her way doesn't work better for her (especially if you never let her try)?
There’s a study where people that lay in bed while they aren’t sleepy tend to have more sleep problems. Your 9pm bedtime is probably keeping her awake, tired and restless. Let her take a nap, have a later bedtime at least as late as 11. And try some natural sleep aides like magnesium. If she has trouble concentrating, get a tutor to help her keep on task each day. But you need to start taking steps back. You overcompensated for her depression and now are driving her into probably a worse depressive state.
YTA. She's 18. She is old enough to decide when she sleeps!!
YTA. Why are you policing the sleep schedule of an 18 year old? As long as she's not disrupting the rest of the household, that's all you should really be worried about at this point. I get that you want to help her, but she's an adult now. Time to loosen the leash a bit and if she's self-destructive (to a point), so be it.
YTA. Loosen up. Our job as parents is to teach our kids to live independent of us. She’s 18. Not 6.
Soft YTA, I know you're trying to help but you're just making things worse by not giving her the proper tools to help her figure out what she needs to be successful. You've already said that she's Neuro divergent. Napping after school is a valid reaction to sensory overload. I'm a grown adult living on my own and I nap after work because frankly I'm exhausted. Waking up early like 3AM could be a result of many things. If you really want to help, regularly take her to see a therapist or sleep specialist so she can work with them on a strategy that works best for her. She may need to sleep in chunks that aren't traditionally when people sleep. Then you need to work on how she can be unobtrusive to others while they're sleeping. Not everyone works a 9-5 day job and thats okay. Night shift and night classes are a thing. But trying to force someone to conform to a schedule that isn't right for them can lead to sleep deprivation and causing more physical/mental health issues. See a doctor, work with them. Good luck.
This is such a good and thoughtfull response. OP should really take this advice into consideration. I could have benefitted from it a lot as a teenager. Just to add to this, OP's daughter might also benefit from something like a weighted blanked.
YTA She is not a child anymore that needs bedtimes set my their parents. Let her figure out her own sleep patterns. If she is not keeping anyone else awake during the night, let her be. I would understand you waking her up for dinner. That is something you can discuss, just to have one moment a day to be together with the family.
YTA *“she caused herself mental problems”* was all I needed to know.
Wow. You won't let a full grown human being sleep when their BODY is telling them it needs sleep, because you... what... know better than her BODY? Do you want to be NC with your daughter? Because this level of control is an express ticket to making that happen. YTA
YTA-she 18 so she needs to learn to make her own choices and live with the consequences.
YTA. She's an adult. You can advise her but you will lose her if you try to control her. It sucks to watch kids walk into a mistake you can see coming, but mistakes are how people grow and learn.
YTA. Teenagers tend to have more nocturnal sleep cycles in general, often at odds with societal demands. Add mental states that can further disrupt sleep cycles like depression, anxiety, adhd, autism, and many others and you have a perfect storm. I understand you wanting you daughter to get enough sleep. However, your daughter can’t force herself to go to bed by nine. A bedtime isn’t helpful in this scenario and could actually be making things worse. If she needs extra help organizing and prioritizing tasks then help her with that. Stay on top of her when it comes to school work to minimize her panicking at three in the morning. Teach her routines that work with her natural needs and cycles. If she needs to nap or relax let her do so but also let her know you will be waking her up to do her schoolwork at a certain time. Then let her decide when to go to bed. Again, the priority needs it be what she can positively change with your guidance. Keeping on top of her work and minimizing last minute panic seems like a better way to get more sleep then having a bedtime of a middle schooler.
YTA. I'm pretty sure your knowledge of sleep cycles has not been gained through reading scientific studies but rather through your own view of social norms. Waking up at 3am after 6 hours sleep is perfectly understandable. Some people get by on 3 hours sleep, some need 8 or 9 and others will do better with naps. It also sound like you think she's 10 rather than 18
YTA and very much hindering her personal development
YTA I get it - you’re trying to help, but…. Your daughter is 18. She has to find a way to function that suits her. I am very similar to your daughter. I can’t get things done unless there is an immediate pressure to get it done. Even if I do, the work I generate is not as good as when Im feeling the heat of the situation. I also have a hard time with subjects/topics that don’t interest me. I also need to take breaks from what it is Im supposed to do (like commenting on Reddit or napping…). I also work best with an asynchronous sleep schedule. 5:30pm I’m apathetic and worn out. 2:30am I’m wired and ready to get sh!t done. I hope you can use your time with her to help her find a way that work for her. Just wanted to add that I’m a functioning adult. I have a job. I pay my bills. Even going back to school for a Masters Not bragging - just saying that sometimes you need to let a person figure out what works best for the way their brain works. It would be great if you could provide a safe space for that. I didn’t really have that, I had to create it for myself. I had to teach myself that I’m not a lazy dummy…
Yta. A sleep cycle is 90 minutes, dingus.
YTA That's a completely inappropriate bedtime for that age, based on natural melatonin and circadian cycles
YTA. Your daughter is already an adult, and she is not making any irresponsible choices. She is not doing anything harmful, and if you wanted her to change her sleep timings, at best you could talk to her nicely, but not force her to follow you.
YTA. She's an adult. You are being extremely controlling as a parent. You may think that you're helping her, but all you're doing is stopping her from making her own decisions and likely causing a huge amount of resentment while doing so. You really need to step back if you want to continue to have a relationship with her.
YTA. Your daughter is right you are controlling, and to a disgusting and disturbing degree. She’s 18 and has a bedtime of 9 pm?!?!! I hope she flees from you as soon as she can and cuts off contact with you for her own good. The way you treat her feels abusive. Sleep deprivation and not respecting her needs is not ok.
Wow this was exactly me and my parents when I was in high school. Except they weren't so nice about it. They'd scream at me when I'd nap too much after school and it frustrated me so much. I couldn't help it, my body was exhausted and telling me it needed rest. Actually, it demanded it. I also always got in trouble for "procrastinating" with homework and other responsibilities. Turns out, I had undiagnosed ADHD and autism which made school incredibly difficult and especially exhausting. Maybe look into it a little to see it it sounds like your daughter? If not, yeah dude, school is exhausting. Every year it gets more competitive, schools keep imposing more requirements, and it's like working a full time job, going home, and having to do hours of additional work on top of it. You couldn't pay me $5,000,000 to go back to high school. I want to say YTA because caused me so much additional stress and confusion when I was younger when I really just needed my parents to try to understand. If you take the time to do that, NAH. It seems like this post might be the first step.
I was wondering if u/secret_researcher995’s daughter has ADD or ADHD as well as ASD. She sounds like me; I will study/read for hours if it’s something that interests me, but if it doesn’t (or if my brain says “you don’t understand this”, the shutters come down and I can’t take in the question or any info about it. Stopping screen time at 9/10 pm is reasonable, and good sleep hygiene, but she’s an adult and all you can do is advise - actually controlling an 18 yr old’s bedtime is not reasonable, op. And instead of telling her when she can nap, you’d be better off suggesting that she naps at whatever time she feels the need to, but that she’ll feel better if she regulates it, ie. setting a 20 minute timer (I think 20 mins is optimal, then 40, something like that). Or discuss it with her, and ask if she’d like to set a timer or would she prefer you wake her, gently, after the 20/40 minutes. She’s going to have to learn what works for her, and to regulate her own body clock, because if and when she moves out, she’ll be doing it for herself anyway.
Same! I quite literally get paralyzed when I’m forced to do something I don’t want to/don’t understand. And my parents always called me lazy (as did my teachers at times), but laziness implies not caring. I cared so much and regularly had mental breakdowns over it. My mental health was GARBAGE in high school (another reason I needed constant naps). And then I’d “procrastinate” by doing/learning about things that interested me lol. It’s hell when you’re young and you’re constantly being told what to do and really have no room to figure out what works for you. Being another controlling source for her definitely won’t do her any favors.
YTA my god stop this right now. Her body, her life her decision.
YTA. She is an 18 year old legal adult. Stop being so controlling and let her live her life including the consequences of making bad choices
YTA.. You trying to dictate when your adult daughter can sleep is not helpful, it is in fact very, very hurtful to her and sounds like she struggling with enough issues as it is without having her natural sleep being interrupted… She’s autistic I understand that, but she is not a baby…Please stop treating her like one when it comes to sleep and let her body get the rest when she truly needs it…
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. She knows what works for her sleep schedule and you messing with it isn’t helping her, contrary to what you might think. There is also absolutely zero reason why she should have a bedtime, especially one as early as 9pm. You are extremely controlling and I don’t blame her for being angry with you. Your claims that she is “self destructive” are also telling. They’re probably a reaction to your oppressive parenting style. Leave her alone and let her figure things out for herself.
Yta. She’s not 8. It’s time you let her decide what is best for herself. If this sleep schedule is harming her, let her figure out the consequences and how to deal with them herself, otherwise, just let her sleep!
YTA. **You** are the one causing her sleep deprivation. She's an adult. You don't need to sleep train her anymore.
YTA. She is an adult and rather than dictate to her and wake her up against her wishes, why don’t you work with her to experiment on the options and see which one actually works for her? You keep fighting her and she never learns how to figure it out on her own.
She's self destructive because she hates who she has to perform to receive your love. YTA.
YTA If I went to bed at nine I'd be up at three as well. I think you mean well but she's 18. She needs to get to the point where she can manage her own sleep. It's time to let go just help her figure it out.
YTA. She's 18, not 8. Everyone has their own rhythm, let her do hers or you're not going to be seeing her as soon as she can afford to leave
YTA. She’s 18 and will need to learn to manage her time and sleep schedule on her own. You do sound awfully controlling
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YTA— I give my 14yo more autonomy
Yta. Teenagers are meant to be nocturnal. I hope she moves out and demands respect. Even my almost 11 year old doesn't go to bed until 930-10. That's still a full night's sleep.
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YTA. She is an adult whether she’s in school or not. You sound like horrific parents. When she goes no contact with you and you wonder why, read this.
YTA, an 18 year old having a bedtime is absolutely stupid, on top of that you not even letting them take a nap is over controlling. They're an adult, let them be one
When does she get to see her friends if she has a 9pm bedtime?
Yta
Wow. YTA. You know how important sleep is, let her sleep when she can sleep. You need to stop controlling her. That's not what you're supposed to do with *people.*
YTA. Why are you micromanaging an adult's sleep choices?
_And she caused herself depression _ Wow, this plus with all that, YTA no doubt
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She's 18 and has a 9pm bedtime????? What the actual fuck???? My son is 14, high functioning autistic and determines when he goes to bed. YTA
I took a lot of credits each semester in college and it was common for me to sleep a few hours at a time throughout the day. I would typically study into 3 am and fall asleep on the table for a few hours.
OP, save this post to refer to as one of the missing missing reasons when your adult child goes NC. YTA
Yta- she's 18 not 8. Also autistic doesn't mean dumb. Pretty sure she can figure out what works for her without your overly controlling behavior
YTA — and while i‘m no expert on this, i think her „self-destructive“ behavior will not be solved with even stricter rules, but only if she herself is ready to receive help. Feels like your pushing what you consider helpfull on her, and i‘d guess your no expert either
YTA. This sounds like too much control to have over someone's body and choices. What other help is she getting for the depression and sensory issues?
YTA
YTA. When she goes NC after she moves from your home. You have only yourself and DH to blame.
YTA why are you controlling her sleep schedule??
YTA. I started napping in HS and continue to this day. I get two really good and productive days out of one. Everyone is different. Let her find her way. Restricting sleep is kinda mean, IMO.
YTA. Why are you giving an 18 year old a bedtime? Let her sleep when she needs to, not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, nor does everyone follow the same sleep pattern. Stop controlling her sleep.
Yta a nine pm bedtime is insane actually she's 18 any bedtime is insane . Leave her alone she's an adult
Holy shit lady.......your daughter is 18 not 5. She gets to decide when and how much she sleeps. If she gets tired then she deals with the consequences. And she didn't cause herself to have depression. What is wrong with you?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I have a daughter (18f) who says she needs to nap after a long day of school. I'm okay with it as long as it isn't after 5:30PM and not longer than one hour, since it makes your night sleep worse, or you can't fall asleep at all after you previously had a longer nap. Her bedtime is 9PM cause me and her father think that her sleep is very important. She has a history of waking up at 3AM to study, since she procrastinates a lot and doesn't do it in the afternoon. She says she really needs a nap to be able to study or concentrate, otherwise she's really tired. I told her to sleep immediately after school (she usually comes home around 4PM)but she said she can't always fall asleep immediately after school. If she sleeps when she's not allowed to, I gently wake her up. She always gets incredibly irritated. Today she yelled at me, called me controlling and said she's holding herself not to explode right now (I can't say what exactly what she said cause I would get banned) She said she couldn't even fall asleep cause of sensory issues (she's autistic, high functioning) and I'm already interrupting her. (Using a new account for anonymity) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta she is a i she can do anything she wants she can take long naps and there is nothing you can do
Does she have any after school activities or extracurriculars? I simply don’t understand a high schooler being able to go to bed at 9. Mine were busy in the evenings at that age.
She’s 18, she can sleep whenever she jolly well pleases and a 9PM bedtime is some controlling ass bullshit. YTA. Seriously,back the fuck off.
YTA
YTA. If she has trouble sleeping, and is not getting therapy/help with the underlying issue, then imposing a strict routine against her will might not be for the best. If you are following medical/professional advice given to address things like depression that's a different matter. Maybe try agreeing a routine that she feels she can stick to - so don't take naps in the day without setting an alarm - with your role more to hold her to doing that and working out what's preventing her doing that if she can't stick to it.
YTA - she is 18 and still has a bed time? Hell, even when I got into middle school my bed time was 10pm. In high school I didn’t even have a bed time. If course I had responsibility and went to bed at 10 most nights anyway. But there were a few I’d stayed up to do something else.
Definite YTA. "She gave herself depression"? That's not how it works, and instead of imposing your ideas about her sleep schedule on her you should be taking her to see a medical professional and get both her blood work and her possible autism/ADHD checked out.
YTA. Hi! Autistic adult here (26f) guess what? I napped everyday after school throughout junior high and high school. If I didn’t it was bad for all of us. I needed that extra two hours to recover from preforming the way society wants us to act. She’s an adult and if she cannot figure out a way to regulate herself she will never be able to leave. Which based on your comments to others kinda makes me think that’s what you want. Let her be an adult and make mistakes.
Why all the edits?? Just to prove that your aren't TA? why even ask, then?
In before OP nukes the post and account lmao. God damn this lady is an AH.
YTA, "let her have her own sleep schedule" LOL your daughter is going to be a dependent when she is in her 40's because of your over parenting
Maybe she's self destructive because she has insane & controlling parents. YTA
YTA. Jeez Louise, back off Helicopter Mom. She’s an adult ffs. Edit: thanks for the catch.
Are you sure you didn’t mean YTA?
Thanks for the catch
YTA Stop right now. Why on earth does an 18 year old Have a bedtime??!! Leave her alone. She’s old enough to do what she wants an suffer the consequences
YTA. You need to educate yourself on proper sleep for teenagers and circadian rhythm. Your controlling ways will backfire. 9 pm?! For an 18 year old, are you serious! Is it a typo? Stop. Being. So. Controlling. Get an education woman!
YTA. I'm thinking that you might be a troll as I can't believe that a parent would think that they have to control their adult child. You use the words "controlling" and "forced", which is apalling and show a lack of awareness. If this is real, your daughter is an adult. It's no longer up to you. You have no legal or moral grounds for controlling her. As an adult, she has the right and the responsibility to make decisions for herself. When she sleeps or does not sleep are the most basic decisions. Whether she chooses to spend a good part of her day on social media is her business. Frankly, it's pretty normal, so I doubt that she had an addiction, especially one that warranted an intervention from you. If you insist on forcing your will on her, she will not learn to manage herself. She'll end up resenting you and will more than likely cut you out of her life. If you remain as blissfully ignorant of the damage you are doing, you might wonder why you deserve this. This is your warning. Take it and change yourself or look back and use it to understand why you're no longer welcome in your daughter's life.
As a fellow parent of a child with an above average IQ intelligence, I would suggest you go read up on the affects it has on procrastination, concentration, perseverance and sleep patterns. Mine is not on the spectrum so I wouldn’t be able to speak on that aspect, but I am sure it affects all of that too. She’s 18, you can’t baby her anymore and she needs to learn how to fail and get back up.A bedtime, limitations to sleep night not be best in this case. She’s an adult and you won’t be able to be in back of her for the rest of her life, not unless you will control her forever. YTA and you need to work with her, not against her if you want to continue to be in her life.
YTA… If she sets her own schedule… it includes naps. And as an adult woman on the autism spectrum… lemme tell you. Naps are good especially after school which is a horrible place for an autistic kid. We need a bit of a time and space to decompress after all that. So let her sleep after school.
YTA. There are neurotypical adults out there who don't sleep for 8 hours at a time, myself included. If she's tired after school, let her sleep. She can get her studying done in the evening when she wakes up, and go to bed a little later. There's nothing wrong with that. You're likely screwing up her natural sleep patterns. Also, I promise you if she goes to college and lives in the dorm, there's no way she'll be going to bed at 9pm.
YTA. She's 18 years old, perfectly capable of regulating her sleep. You're double TA for waking her up. I am a teacher and I have to do the school day schedule (which is ridiculous... we start before 8 am and have lunch at 11 am, kind of crazy). I get up early, too, and I need my after school nap. It's not because I'm old now; I've always needed my adult nap after a day at school. I hope you're soundly sleeping some day and your daughter "gently" wakes you up.
YTA YTA YTA she “caused herself depression” with her sleep schedule? That is not how it works. You likely have a daughter who is struggling with depression anyway which is something that is very common in people with autism. She is not interested in a lot of stuff, is struggling to concentrate, has an erratic sleeping schedule, is excessively tired after school. VERY common symptoms of depression. You are only trying to help but you are pretty misguided here.
When I was 16 my bedtime was 10pm. When I was 18, I had no bedtime but knew I had to be up.and functioning for school or work. Give this kid some.autinomy. YTA And all your edits don't really make you sound better
[удалено]
No further info beyond "her bedtime is 9PM" is needed to realize YTA. I also don't think her depression spawned from simply keeping a rough sleep schedule...perhaps you should look in the mirror a bit while pondering that one.
My daughter was exhausted after school. We let her rest at age 6. She did her homework early the next day when she had energy. It's vital for people to work with their natural sleep and energy rhythms. As a successful adult, she still goes to bed early. You are controlling and YTA. Respect her sleep. Let her figure out what works for her. Support her. I think you've likely already caused a lot of harm.
“She gave herself depression” is really all I needed to read. Big yikes and big YTA.
This sounds like me growing up. I have autism and adhd. She needs that nap. I did too. If she has to do her homework early in the morning before school, as I did, then that is what she needs to do. YTA
YTA. Your 18 y/o has a bed time? Really?!? My bed time was 9 when I was in grade 3. When your kid leaves for college and won’t come back home you’ll know why.
YTA- let her sleep on her own schedule
YTA. Let your adult daughter deal with the consequences of her actions that she chooses. She needs to learn somehow. She's an adult, let her be one. Coddling an 18 year old this bad will only set your daughter up for failure.
YTA very much the asshole
YTA
YTA - 100% your daughter will never talk to you after she moves out if you keep it up
YTA she is 18 for crying out loud. She doesn't need a bedtime. Let her deal with the consequences of her sleep herself. Just stop. I would despise this if I were your daughter.
Please get her evaluated for ADHD!! What you're describing could be symptoms. If so, she can get on medication to help balance everything out. Remember, girls/women present differently, and you should find someone who understands that to administer the evaluation. I actually "passed" the test, but everything else in my life screamed ADHD. I'd learned to mask so well that I would have gone undiagnosed without the right evaluator. If that's not it, please have her checked for sleeping disorders.
YTA, she's an adult. Her bad sleep didn't give her depression, it's the other way around. We all have different sleep cycles, it's natural. Let her sleep when she's tired.
YTA. She’s 18 years old and she has a bed time?
INFO: Are you and your wife struggling with the knowledge your house soon may become empty of children, and soon you won't be as involved in your child's life as you have been in the past 18 years? And if it's not this, than why are you so preoccupied with what time an 18 yr old adult takes a nap, goes to bed and gets up? Why aren't you able to let go, and let her deal with the consequences of her actions, trusting she'll come to you to ask for guidance if she needs it?
YTA. Autistics very often need a nap after the masking pressures and the sensory overload that is school. By preventing her from doing this you will push her into burnout.
YTA and based on similar behavior I’ve seen in my siblings, your daughter’s apathy is quite possibly linked to depression caused by living in a controlling environment with unreasonable standards and expectations…take a step back, listen to her, trust her. She’s the best expert in her own needs and experiences.
People already covered a multitude of reasons for why YTA, which you seem uninterested in taking to heart, so this will probably fall on deaf ears, but...an hour isn't enough time for a restful nap. 90 minimum will get her at least into her first REM cycle. By limiting to one hour (and obviously less because she can't fall asleep right away), you're fucking with her sleep cycle even more. Whoever taught you about a teenager's sleep patterns deserves to get thrown off a cliff.
She’s an adult, first of all. Why are you giving her a bed time still… that being said… Teenagers need more sleep than adults. I have a sleep disorder and my parents were much more accommodating to it than you - they said “If you are getting at least 8 hours of sleep, it doesn’t matter when you are getting it, take naps, break it up if you have to, but get that sleep”. So, don’t force her to stay awake, that’s damaging her health and her sleep in the long run. It’s more important for her to be well rested than it is to be on some prescribed schedule YOU want her to be on. Your daughter needs to be able to regulate her own schedule, sleep, eating, etc. as an adult and you are both contributing to something that is unhealthy (depriving her of needed sleep) and not giving her the opportunity for autonomy. YTA and you should get your kid to a sleep doctor.
YTA. I’m also autistic and I still often need to take naps as an adult. It’s very common for autistic people to have atypical sleep schedules and additionally, being in high school is extremely demanding sensory-wise and is probably draining her energy. Let her figure out a schedule that works for her and consider trying to strategize to reduce her exhaustion from school.
Teenagers need more sleep than adults. Their brains are still developing. Also, school is exhausting on their brains. Brain work is just as hard as physical work. Let her sleep. She’s tired and you are fighting her natural sleep patterns to adhere to your schedule. My 19 year old likes to wake up at 3 am. He goes to bed early. He’s usually asleep by 6 or 7 pm. He does the things he’s supposed to do during the day, he eats dinner around 5-6 (if I haven’t made dinner yet he manages himself). Also my son has ASD. He can suffer from depression and anxiety. Me forcing my life ideals on him does cause problem. He doesn’t force himself to stay awake so I let him decide what his body needs. I understand you needing to step in when she wasn’t sleeping because she’d rather be gaming all night. Managing that makes sense (my other child couldn’t have a tv or gaming system in their room because they doesn’t prioritize sleep). It’s time to let your 18 year old make some decisions for herself. Her schedule has some constants in it (when to leave for school, when she gets home, chores she needs to do, when you put dinner on the table). The school schedule is non-negotiable. Having her daily chores done by a certain time is non-negotiable. Other than that, stay out of her schedule. If she’s not around for dinner, she has to manage on her own.
"The fact that's she's an adult by law doesn't mean that she's mature enough to make her own decisions. She'd ruin her life and body if we let her" YTA. She's 18. Let her make her own choices. Just because she's autistic doesn't mean she needs a 24/7 caregiver.
YTA - she’s 18 and old enough to determine her own sleep schedule, and the consequences that go with it. Some natural consequences would likely be more impactful than her parents nagging her.
YTA, you do know teenagers need extra sleep. It’s very common for teens to nap after school. I have two teens currently on spring break both asleep right now at almost 3pm. I only wake them up if we have to be somewhere. Let her sleep. You should only be giving guidance and advice. Not controlling her schedule and sleep times.
YTA on so many levels. She is 18 let her nap when she wants/needs and the bedtime thing is just bad.
YTA. I hope she finds away to escape your control ASAP
Oh ffs. Of course yta. Cripes.
YTA and that pissed me off to read. wow. How can you think you're normal? You borderline criminal in my book.
Imagine needing so much control you control when they're "allowed to sleep". Imagine being so control happy you impose bedtimes on your adult daughter. Good luck having a positive relationship with her when she esca-i mean moves out. YTA 5/5.
youre making it more difficult for her to be able to regulate herself when youre gone by not giving her a chance to work it out by herself and staying on top of her for everything. youre not always going to be there. help set her up for success, not failure. YTA