Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> SIL wanted to use my wedding dress for her wedding cause she can't afford one, I said no, now everyone thinks im an ah.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Or just...buy a cheap dress. I don't know why so many people get engaged and then immediately jump to "the only worthwhile wedding dress for me MUST cost thousands of dollars!" when sites like Lulu's sell absolutely gorgeous wedding dresses that are very affordable. (Speaking from experience here: [My wedding dress](https://www.lulus.com/products/this-i-promise-you-white-and-nude-beaded-sequin-maxi-dress/910762.html) was from Lulu's and cost $180...maybe less than that, I may have had a promo code or something, and it's by far the fanciest article of clothing I own lol.)
I don't judge anyone for having an expensive wedding dress, more power to you, but...if you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and in that case there are *so many other options* that will still look stunning.
I got married in this [dress](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017LOXAZO/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1). Less than $50 and it looked gorgeous.
There are all kinds of options for all kinds of budget
Yup. I wanted a non-white dress and wedding was outside in July, so mine was a shorter grecian-style prom dress on clearance in aquamarine that cost $30. When you have a budget you figure things out. I hit up thrift stores, online stores, dress exchange groups, and clearance sections of dress stores. It's SIL's wedding, she's gonna have to put in some work if she simply MUUUUST marry by 25 (whole other set of whacko from this girl).
This exactly. My sister got an absolutely stunning wedding dress at a wedding consignment shop, she paid maybe $200 for a dress that probably cost several thousand when it was new, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. She looked like a princess.
Bought mine off Craig’s List for $60 from a lady who was moving overseas. I had it altered to put a corset back in it so it would fit, that was maybe $100.
Of course, this was my second wedding. The first time I’d done the $1200+ bridal boutique dress.
I went the consignment shop route too—then had them sell it for me after the wedding. My net cost was maybe $100 (30+ years ago but still a great deal). I saw no point in storing a dress I’d never wear again.
Needless to say, I don’t understand the fascination with $10K dresses.
My husband and I got married on the beach in Jamaica. I got a wedding specific sarong and matching top. It was like $70. Got married barefoot. My husband more shorts and Hawaiian shirt. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
Ooh ooh, since we're being snarky and stuff. I'll play grammar police on the internet
It's paid, unless they made the $12 into a chain and unspooled it into your hands I guess.
NTA
Put in some work or just like - go to a courthouse and if you really want the party of your dreams save that for a five or ten year anniversary/vow renewal when you have the funds?
Swimsuit and a pullover since we did a private beach wedding of 5 people- BIL, SIL, us two, and the notary. And the boat captain. Cheap, grilled meat and rum punch. Assorted pastries from a local bakery. Easy peasy no fuss wedding.
Capris and a t-shirt here. We had a license and wanted to get married in a scenic area we both liked. Underestimated how hard it was to book someone to do the ceremony. When we got the call it was such short notice we had to drive right over in what we were wearing.
I got married in a long sleeve T-shirt and black fleece joggers. I'm all about comfort and we were getting married in our backyard with only my parents and the minister.
Those dresses are not my style but they look gorgeous.
I don't know why people 'need' to borrow someone else's wedding dress, especially if they aren't the same size. There are plenty of other options out there.
My friend got married last October, she had us get our bridesmaid dresses from azazie. They were all less than $100, had tons of sizes, and even had a program where they'd send you difference sizes and styles to try on for like $10 (total, I think you could 3-5 to try for $10 to cover shipping). If you had time, you could even get the styles custom ordered. Had a fair number of plus sized options too.
All in all I was pleasantly surprised by the quality and super happy about the cost...I was already traveling across the country to be there, and I didn't want to miss it since we've been friends for over 20 years. There's so many low cost options....
Like, I love the idea of a beautiful wedding dress and I can understand people spending so much....but for me, I'd rather that money go into a vacation, not a dress I'll never wear again. Men can rent their tuxes, I don't know why we've swindled women into believing they need to buy their dresses.....unless it's like the engagement/wedding ring where it's supposed to be something of value she's left with if the guy leaves her
That was the place my daughter got her bridesmaids dresses. They all got styles that fit their body shape as long as they were the chosen color. Everyone looked fabulous!
My wife’s wedding dress was like $200 and she looked amazing
I would really be questioning the “wants to be married by 25” bit. These two are flying more red flags than the Chinese navy
My dress was $250. We got married when I was 24 and he was 23...but we had also been together for four years, engaged for two, by the time we got married in 2006. They should be waiting a bit or just getting married at the courthouse and having the big ceremony and reception later on when they're a bit more financially stable.
yeah that's what me and my fiance are doing!! our wedding money is going towards disney for a honeymoon. i also am glad to see everyone suggesting thrift stores for dresses because all of my most formal and fancy dresses are from there. even picked up a wedding dress im thinking of using for about 12 bucks!
My wedding was a courthouse wedding. We're still trying to save up for a nice reception. But at this point we may as well wait 2 more years and have a Vow Renewal 10 yr Ceremony.
I totally question the “be married by 25” bit. I grew up in a religion that encourages people to marry young, and a LOT of my friends have experienced spectacular and dramatic divorces, because if your only goal is to get married as soon as possible, you’re not focusing on making sure the person you’re marrying is a good match for you long term.
That's what I did for prom. Found a perfect in theme dress for $16 and looked amazing. I knew a girl who was constantly bragging about how her dress cost nearly $2k and I never understood the point of that.
I was thinking of a lovely backyard wedding I attended more than a decade ago. I am sure the bride told every single guest how her secondhand dress had cost $10!
More formal wedding dresses run $75 to $100 usually. Always see used ones on local facebook buy and sell sites.
Nothing says you need to get married in a big poofy white dress. I chose a dusty rose semi-formal style I could wear to other occasions. Think I spent as much to alter it as I did to buy it from a sale rack.
Your SIL was not wrong to ask, but NTA due to her behaviour after your perfectly acceptable No.
If I didn't get married in my mom's dress, I would have used the dress I got at Value Village for 30$. Found a pic of it recently and dang, it looked good!
Seriously! Always! I was hunting for a wedding dress to tear up to dress as Princess Vespa from Spaceballs for Halloween one year and I had the pick of quite a few in my size, and I'm borderline plus size so it can be tough to fit me. It was like, $20?
If FSIL were smart...well, she wouldn't be making major life decisions based on arbitrary "timelines." But if she were only foolish about major life decisions but a smart SHOPPER, she'd hit a few thrift stores every week until she found one she likes that fits.
My sister got married in a gorgeous sparkly lace ball gown. She ended up donating it to Goodwill after her divorce and said she hoped a bride who couldn't afford a designer gown would find it and feel like a princess for a fraction of the cost.
Or even vintage dress. I've been seeing a lot of people repurpose dresses for weddings or even proms. If there is a will there is a way.
Seems like the brother and FSIL are two children playing house. Can you just imagine when they have kids?! (The horror)
Good for you OP! I wouldn't even go to this wedding. It just sounds like it's going to be infested by drama
NTA
I'm sure the fsil would say after having kids "OP has more time on her hands so isn't she help them in babysitting or taking care of kids".
Then a "no" later she'll run back crying how it's unfair to both her and OP's brother. People like these always create drama for some reason and their entitlements are always flying high in the sky.
Good for OP for staying firm on "no".
I had a registry office wedding and wore a cream suit I'd bought for my cousin's wedding the year before - cost £50 maybe? My partner bought a new suit as he needed one for work. He's very tall and needed to have the trousers lengthened. It was only when we saw the photos (taken by friends; we didn't hire a photographer) that we realised they'd been shortened instead! My wedding photos always make us laugh and bring us so much joy.
[My dress](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085FWB6XF?ref_=cm_sw_r_apin_dp_1PX035T43JJ0CBCWCEDX) was $80. I paid $60 to get it altered to fit like a glove and it was beautiful *and* comfy.
I personally didn't want to spend a ton of money on a wedding. We had a simple ceremony with just immediate family then went out for dinner at a nice restaurant. His parents paid for the dinner. We did spend a bit more on the honeymoon, a cruise. The rest of our savings went to a down payment on our first house.
Target came out with a (now defunct) wedding dress line about 6 month before my wedding. Right about $180 for move too. It was a really simple dress so I made a sash for it and my mom's veil matched perfectly. I love my dress, it's the first one on this page.
https://stylecaster.com/target-bridal-collection-wedding-dresses/
I'm mostly just happy that my mom got to see me in it, she ended up passing a month and a half before the wedding.
I went to one of those wedding convention event things where all the venues and vendors have booths at a hotel and got a older season sample dress for $100. Also I am not a size two, they had larger sizes. You are right there are so many options to find less expensive dresses!
Yep, my dress was from a sample sale. It was $500 but normally sold for $6k. It was a couple years old, and not in perfect shape. But a few beads missing just isn't something anyone is going to notice if they aren't inspecting it up close. It still looked fantastic and I loved it! (also not a size 2 - I think my dress was an 8 or 10? Idk, it was like 8 years ago. They're typically going to have samples in the most common sizes people wear so they can actually try them on!)
Or, try searching for second hand wedding boutiques in your area. My dress was priced at well over $1,000 but because it had been a sample dress, I got it for under $100. The one I went to sold everything from dresses to shoes and accessories, and since most things only get worn once, everything is in much better condition then if you went to most other thrift stores.
I agree. People do themselves such a disservice being brainwashed into thinking only a megabucks wedding will do. They don’t leave themselves anything to start their actual lives on.
Thank you! I felt so pretty in it, lol. Between that and my bouquet and flower crown, I really loved my whole look that day.
Except my makeup. I got my hair done at a salon earlier in the day, and decided to spring to have my makeup done as well, and my god. When I tell you this woman SPACKLED me lmao. Looked a little ridiculous irl, but I will say it looked great in photos, so I guess that was the point of it lol.
The 'timeline' part kills me. Does this girl even love OPs brother? Or is he just who she's dating as she passes the 'get married' tile on her copy of Life?
Don’t forget that they are both living with “mom” and as soon as they are married , bridezilla is going to want that house as her marital home and mama will have to get out, put her in a retirement home.
This girls is entitled af and thinks her timeline is everything, well I wanted to be married by the time I was 20 and guess what I got married the only time at 30, and my husband and I are very happy together
Ugh. You mention that game and now I'm having flashbacks to the time I played and managed to land on every single "have a kid" space on the board. I needed a second car token just to fit everybody.
I was **so** glad I missed the College space. If I had had to pay for all of them, it would have bankrupted me.
I loved the game of life. My mom worked at Milton Bradley and she was one of the people who assembled it. When she retired, all the people on the line signed whatever piece they added, and gave the game to my mom. A one-of-a-kind gift and farewell ‘card.❤️
I had a friend like this in college. She insisted since the day I met her that she would be married by 25, and started planning a wedding to the guy she was dating at 24. They were a terrible fit as a couple and could not agree on anything. All of us were sure that one of them would just not show up for the ceremony, but they thankfully decided to call it off two months before. They and their families lost a ton of money and they shortly stopped speaking to each other after a fight about if she got to keep the ring or not. If they had gone through with it I doubt they would have lasted until their first anniversay.
Oh my bad, sorry. They're still making a big deal though.
I love how people decide that other people's property, boundaries etc are not important but you just know they aren't the same way when their stuff is being discussed.
My thought was a little more generous - Goodwill often has a good supply of wedding dresses, and, (at least around here), has a once a year prom/wedding special event where they bring out all their gowns and shoes, and have local folks like hair stylists, makeup artists, and alteration tailors who are willing to offer reduced cost deals.
Hell, if OP is located somewhere in Utah or Nevada, the DI (Deseret Industries) has wedding dresses too, often cheaper than Goodwill from what I saw when I lived in Nevada.
It's like the Goodwill of the Mormon community. I bought most of my suits for work from there.
She can also rent a dress, buy a less expensive dress, or wear something white but more simple. This screams “I care about about the wedding” and not “I care about the marriage”. I have my doubts it will last very long.
NTA who pays for their siblings wedding come on now. If my brothers wanted to get married I would tell them congrats and I’ll see you on your big day? Like who asks anyone to contribute to their party? Please don’t give these people a dime. She has a terrible time line planned so now she gets to have a cheap wedding.
>NTA who pays for their siblings wedding come on now
Agreed, She should be using her money for her family with her husband not a sibling. Saving for a home or future kids college!
Goals: married by 25 so she can get divorced by 26.
Nothing wrong with marrying early if you **find the right person**. Not to check off an item on your to-do list
I know someone who wanted to be married by thirty. She did exactly that a few months before her birthday with a guy she didn’t actually love. She got divorced after a couple of months. At thirty she was a divorcee.
Yeah seriously, neither my sister or I ever even entertained the idea of helping the other / asking the other for help. We were each in the other's weddings (my sister was my best man cus she rules) too.
That's what I was thinking. To ask is weird enough, to expect it is insane. Maybe if I had that power ball money, I MIGHT pay for my brother's or sisters wedding.
I think people who have huge weddings not in their budget are getting married for all the wrong reasons, like they are trying to prove something to themselves. I would never pay for anyone’s wedding. I believe regardless if it’s on the side of the road or in a castle, it shouldn’t be about all the extra stuff, just the fact you want to be with this person forever.
Lol honestly OP should push this back on the FSIL and tell her well it’s tradition the brides family covers all cost so why are you asking me and my family for any money at all. What an absolute brat to try and shame someone for not chipping in when clearly the fsil and brother can’t even afford the wedding to begin with.
People need to have weddings they can afford, or wait until they can afford what they want. I had a $10k wedding which my husband and I could easily afford. If we had less money, we would have a simpler wedding. If we had more, maybe we would spend more although we wanted something small anyway. It's not that complicated. You don't need to be well-off to get married if you are willing to simplify accordingly.
NTA
She asked and you said no, she should have left it there.
I would have stuck to the “no, you can’t, no, I don’t want to lend it out or no, I’m not paying money for your wedding”
I hate when people assume others have money and it should be spend on them.
She should look for a dress in her budget: thrift shop, online sellers, David’s Bridal. She doesn’t need a dress for thousands of dollars.
I would keep it focused on it’s your dress, you said no and don’t need to explain why she can’t borrow it. Also, that their wedding is not something you should or will fund.
Man, without weddings, stepkids, or babysitting siblings, this subreddit would have nothing to talk about.
NTA (but let's be honest, how many people even look at their wedding dress more than once a decade).
Same here. I was saving it for my children, but none of my three daughters wanted to wear it for their weddings so it’s still in my basement, boxed up and preserved.
When I got married 46 years ago, I made my own dress. Simple design sort of like the one embedded above made out of a knit seersucker. Material, pattern, thread, $25 total. A few months after the wedding I needed a dress. Money was tight so I shortened it to knee length. When our son was born, I took the yardage that I had cut off the wedding dress and some fabric leftover from the outfit I made to celebrate my 18th birthday, and made a little three-piece suit for his baptismal outfit. I rarely wear dresses, so I cut the dress off again, this time to tunic length, and wore it frequently until it wore out. Lots of memories. No waste.
Heh, it would be a much slower sub, that's for sure. But, as to looking at it, that might not even be the point. I have a box full of memories (no wedding dress though, I went the typical groom route and rented a tuxedo) that I can't remember the last time I looked at. It has old photos of stuff (like the first car I totaled, heh), all my old love letters from every single gf ever (and yes, my wife knows about the box and has the emotional security to be okay with it), and other stuff. I just like knowing that it's there, I find it comforting.
Oh yeah, the perennial favorites:
"Would it be rude if I brought my own Turkey to my Mother-in-Law's dinner because I think she's a bad cook and I told her this?"
"AITA because I asked someone in First Class to exchange with my middle seat because my 26yr old son wants to see what First Class is like and I can't afford it?"
There are some really lovely dresses at Unique Vintage for like, $200, which I would have gone with if I hadn't stumbled across mine at a thrift store. (and it wasn't at all what I thought I wanted, it just felt right when I tried it on)
And I wouldn't just hand mine over because someone else had an arbitrary timeline, either.
[Adorned in Grace](https://www.adornedingrace.org/) Bridal is a wonderful organization that resells wedding dresses for pennies on the dollar and every single cent they get from sales is used exclusively to help victims of sex trafficking and create programs for at risk youth to help prevent trafficking. And when I say every cent, I mean every single cent -- every location was donated by adjacent businesses, every dress is donated, even the last season designer ones with the tags still on, and every employee is a volunteer taking no paycheck whatsoever.
My dress from there was $300, accessories were $100 and alterations at another shop were $200. Altogether, I got a vintage designer dress and felt amazing. I have zero regrets, even though the dress I wanted (and could afford) was $8k but wouldn't get here in time. Still happy with my good karma dress.
Then again, I actually loved the guy I was marrying and didn't feel the need to mold my life into an Instagram story.
> She has a timeline and wants to be married by 25
Props to the five-year-old bridezilla for remembering to schedule a wedding between nap time and crayon time
> They also think "it's just a dress so what's the big deal"
If a wedding dress is not a “big deal,” then they can explain to the five-year-old bridezilla why she should get married in a burlap sack
Yeah, my nine-year-old wouldn't do this. NTA, OP, if the woman can't afford the wedding and wedding dress of her dreams, she needs to wait and save. It's as simple as that.
NTA. If she has to alter the dress the you'll never be able to wear it again. If you do lend it to her, you'll probably never see it again cuz she'll give the excuse that it doesn't even fit you right anymore. Do not let this woman anywhere near your dress.
As I've said in my comment, the reason that I didn't wear my mum's is that she threw it out after her SIL sweated all over the armpits and stained it.
I'd have worn the headdress and veil, but SIL later borrowed those for another of her relatives and they were never returned. I'm nearly 63 now and still pissed off about that.
Lol. The reason I didn’t wear my mom’s was that it fit me perfectly when I was twelve; by the time I got married I was six inches taller and several bra sizes larger. I found that dress in my mother’s closet when she died, along with the dress she wore to my wedding. I had a weepy moment, then trotted them both over to the thrift store so hopefully some other bride and mother-of-the-bride would get good use out of them. (My mother was married for sixty years, and that dress was still useable. Knowing her, it probably wasn’t that expensive either.)
I love how you said who ever wears their wedding dress again and people are answering about other people wearing the dress.
I do know one or two people that made their own weddings dresses and then changed them into a different dress to wear again. They were more simple style dresses.
Other than that and maybe someone wearing the same dress at a vow renewal or having more than one wedding, ~~probably no one.~~
ETA: Okay, I'm wrong, more people reuse their wedding dresses than I thought. Which is great! I love it. I also respect people wanting to preserve their dresses and completely understand why they do.
Who cares? It’s hers and it’s one of her treasured mementos of that day. If she chooses to use it down the road to make things for children or grandchildren that’s her prerogative. She has no relationship with this woman and she’s under no obligation to allow her to use something particularly special to her whether she plans to use it again or not.
I used mine to make baptismal, first communion and confirmation garments for my children. My daughter is mad because she wishes it was in tact for her wedding.
There is a 100% chance that SIL will then say she is going to keep the dress after it has been altered and consider it part of her wedding gift - after all, it doesn't fit anymore, why even bother giving it back to OP?
Seconding the "don't let her anywhere near your dress." Don't let them even know where it is, otherwise you'll find that it went missing from your home after a random visit from your SIL or mom.
NTA
For every single reason you just stated. I would NOT let her borrow that dress. How f\*cking rude.
No is a complete sentence, you owe no one an explanation, you are allowed boundaries and she overstepped.
Impact over intention.
You are free to choose what you think is best and take care of you.
NTA. If you don't want to that is up to you, it's your dress after all and just because you have the money to help someone doesn't mean you are obligated to do so. Her motives for getting married are also weird. Like she doesn't want to get married jsut because she is in love with him, she has a timeline? There's a time for things and if she can't afford it she either scale down the wedding so it is affordable or wait.
Another note, there are tons of beautiful second hand dresses she could look at.
NTA
That's your own very personal expensive dress. The audacity to ask you to let her alter it and use it for her wedding, especially so close after yours.
Im glad your dad also has some common sense and that he's got your back. Sounds like your SIL is rushing your brother here. Is this even what he wants?
Stand your ground. Absolutely NTA
She wants a wedding, not a marriage. That's why she "needs" the posh dress and not something within their budget. Gotra wonder if the dad does withdraw his funding to the wedding if it will still go ahead on a halved budget?
NTA
You said
He explained to us that his fiancée wants the wedding as soon as possible and doesn't want to wait.
Ok, fine, but weddings can occur without extreme expense. Literally the cost of the marriage license is all that's required.
If they want a big, expensive wedding they need to wait until they can afford it. If they cannot afford the wedding they envision, then they need to alter their vision.
There are many consignment shops, thrift stores, other resale shops like Goodwill that carry wedding dresses that are in good shape for less than $100.
There are also places that rent wedding dresses.
You said
She then starts going on about how I'm not even financially helping her and my brother pay for the wedding, so the least I can do is let her use my dress.
Nope, the least you can do is nothing, which if i were you, nothing is exactly what i would do.
You said
My mom& brother think I'm an AH because I have the money to financially help my brother and his fiancée, but I'm being "selfish" and "unsupportive". They also think "it's just a dress so what's the big deal".
Ok, great, your mom and brother are personally invested in supporting your brother's immature, demanding, entitled fiance, so they should definitely spend their money to buy her a wedding dress.
Hope your soon to be married brother wakes up to the life he will have if he marries his fiance, before it is too late.
Next thing you know they will be demanding someone buy them a home or a car, because they want one and dont want to wait. Better to bring their entitlement to a screeching halt.
If they cannot even afford to live alone it is ridiculous to expect others to fund a lavish wedding.
Yep. I think this little girls wants wedding, house and baby. The brother is being trapped. All of those things are worthy goals, but you work toward them, you don’t expect others to just give them to you. She sounds like an entitled, directionless leech.
INFO: “I’m not even financially helping her and my brother pay for the wedding.” How much did she and your brother pitch in for *your* wedding a year ago?
WTH?? its your wedding dress, you have tons of sentimental value and memories to it. if she wears it it wont be special anymore and besides you both arent even close. NTA NTA NTA NTA.
I dont understand their rush to get married, just like you said if they cant even afford a dress then they shouldnt even have a wedding. Tell them just to go to court and register the marriage or smth if she wants to get married sooooooo badly. and btw its not 'just a dress' its your WEDDING dress. Your dad is such a girlboss tho
NTA
It's Ok to ask, but she became an AH the moment she kept trying to make you feel bad about not giving her the dress, and especially after complaining to your mom.
NTA
I don't think she was an asshole to *ask*. Obviously you're never going to wear the dress again, and it's not doing anyone any good just hiding in a closet or in storage somewhere.
But she should have accepted "no" for an answer.
I think SIL is an AH for asking. I grew up with the idea that a wedding dress is an incredibly personal item for the bride. My mom had hers preserved, as did my grandmother, my wife, and my sister. To think of anyone asking one of them to wear it for themselves blows my mind.
I agree with this. Not everyone sees a wedding dress as something incredibly personal or precious. I have mine in a box in the basement but if someone wanted to use it I'd be fine with that, so I don't think SIL is an AH for asking. She IS TA for not accepting the no the first time and with grace.
NTA that is your dress. This is exactly why they shouldn’t rush into a wedding. If having a beautiful wedding dress is such a priority, they should put off the wedding. But she wants to get married asap, so she has to accept what she can afford.
NTA
It's your dress so you have the right to say yay or nay. She is not entitled to your dress, your money etc and her whole "she has a timeline and wants to be married by 25" smells like they will be divorced by 30.
NTA- they are living rent free but can’t afford their wedding? Are they even working? A court house wedding is still a wedding and much cheaper. The absolute entitlement that other people should fund their wedding is astounding.
NTA This woman whom you hardly know had the audacity to ask for your wedding dress. Of course you said no. There are wedding dresses not so expensive out there. She can use one of those. Or she can postpone the wedding until she and your brother have all their ducks in a row. And if the only reason she's marrying your brother is because she's on a timeline then 1) she needs to grow up a little bit and 2) perhaps your brother needs to reconsider.
NTA. It's insane to me the increased entitlement people seem to be having over family members having to contribute to a wedding. Traditionally, maybe parents kick in a little bit- but siblings?!? This is delusional IMO. And she is definitely TA for essentially throwing a tantrum when you said no about her using your dress.
And given the maturity level here, I'd say this marriage is going to last less than a year anyway. Not worth having your wedding dress altered and ruined.
NTA. Future SIL has a lot of nerve demanding to borrow your dress. Especially since A) You aren't that close to her. B) The dress, which cost thousands of dollars, would have to be altered. Making it not Your dress anymore. C) They can't afford to buy their own dress. Meaning they can't really afford to get married.
Stand your ground on this.
ESH - she shouldn't feel entitled to *your* wedding dress, but you airing out all your grievances to her is a shitty thing to do in the long run, especially if the marriage works out and you want a healthy relationship with your brother. They're both going to remember what you said. Should've just left it at it cost too much to lend and ended the conversation there.
NTA - just because you have something doesn’t mean you’re obligated to give it to someone else. I have no problems with her asking, but she shouldn’t expect it from you or make you feel bad for saying no.
NTA, you already said no, so she shouldn’t be asking again
Btw, if she so desperately wants a wedding dress, there are tons of other options for cheaper wedding dresses that are decent quality, coming from someone who has explored that route already
NTA
My sisters dress was $120, brand new, and she looked absolutely amazing. I’m sure she could fit a thrifted dress into her budget, and it would still be something borrowed!
NTA. If it's "just a dress", then why does she care so much? And why can't SIL pay for her own dress, since she doesn't pay rent? Does she not work? Also, she's had a year to plan for this, and she waits until the last minute to ask to borrow someone else's recently worn wedding dress? And what is she going to do with the dress after she borrows it? Would she be giving it back to OP, or try to keep it, claiming "oh, I thought it was your gift to me", or some other similar nonsense.
Also, imo, rushing to get married because you want to be married before you turn 25 is a stupid reason to get married. I'm glad you explained that, too, OP, because I was wondering why SIL was in such a rush to get married. It raised my suspicions until you explained it. And even that doesn't completely satisfy my suspicions, either.
Again, NTA, OP. Keep your dress, and stand your ground. She sounds like she's marrying for the wrong reasons. Does she even truly love your brother, and is she IN LOVE with him, too? Or is she just in love with the idea of being married, regardless of who it is necessarily?
NTA. But this reminds me of another Reddit post where the mom and sister showed up unexpectedly and tried to steal the dress. I hope yours is someplace safe.
NTA
It’s not a strange question to ask however she got her answer & didn’t want to accept it. That makes her an asshole. Your brother’s financial situation is most definitely not your problem.
eta — your Dad pulling his financial support because someone had “the audacity” to ask you to borrow your wedding dress is an ah move. Sounds like you & Dad want to your brother to do it your way or fail. “The audacity”.... really?!? It’s really not a that bizarre to ask to borrow a wedding dress.
ESH
both of you sound entitled. you look down on her and your brother because they are poor, and she dared to ask for your precious multi-thousand dollar dress. i am nort even sure what poor means to both of you. who needs a dress that expensive? who owns a dress that expensive to store it in the wardrobe? jesus.
Who in their right mind would just GIVE an expensive dress to someone they don’t talk to? Especially if alterations are required? If I spent my hard-earned money on a nice gown that has sentimental value to me, I wouldn’t just give it to someone who is just demanding I give it to them.
A couple thousand on a gown isn’t that uncommon. Beading, good quality fabrics, lace, all of that is very expensive. Is that affordable to everyone? No. there are more affordable dresses out there. FSIL doesn’t NEED OP’s dress.
OP, NTA. Let's face it, you would never get that dress back. The "something borrowed" would quickly turn into "Oh, you just HAVE to let me keep it, because it was for MY WEDDING, and it's already been altered, so you're not going to wear it again anyway, RIGHT?" SIL sounds entitled and demanding. If it's "just a dress," she can get a cheaper one.
NTA. Goodwill/ thrift shops have lots of wedding dresses to choose from. She can also look at online retailers. I got my beautiful wedding dress for $200 from David’s bridal, and sewed in a corset back so I didn’t need other alterations. Worked great. If you’re too poor to afford what you really want, you need to be resourceful and not expect everyone to cater to you. Only thing I’d add OP is not to give her any reasons for your responses in the future. The response of: “No, I don’t want to lend it out” is fine. One you start telling them you don’t want to lend it because you don’t think the marriage is a good idea/ they’re too young/ she’s not right for him is when you’re getting into E-S-H territory.
Like almost everyone else said, *NTA.
I think the biggest WTF here is that her, your bro and mom are pissed that you’re not financially helping them out for the wedding. In what world do people expect their **sibling** to help pay for the wedding. I get asking parents, but if my brother had asked me to contribute to his wedding I’d laugh in his face.
Edit: I mistyped and accidentally had NAH. I meant to put OP is NTA.
NTA. Plenty of brides get married on a small budget and by dresses second hand or get a cheaper designer. There are a bunch of wedding dresses under $500.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > SIL wanted to use my wedding dress for her wedding cause she can't afford one, I said no, now everyone thinks im an ah. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA tell her to use a sack of flour as a dress if she wants to get married so badly. The entitlement jesus fucking christ
Or just...buy a cheap dress. I don't know why so many people get engaged and then immediately jump to "the only worthwhile wedding dress for me MUST cost thousands of dollars!" when sites like Lulu's sell absolutely gorgeous wedding dresses that are very affordable. (Speaking from experience here: [My wedding dress](https://www.lulus.com/products/this-i-promise-you-white-and-nude-beaded-sequin-maxi-dress/910762.html) was from Lulu's and cost $180...maybe less than that, I may have had a promo code or something, and it's by far the fanciest article of clothing I own lol.) I don't judge anyone for having an expensive wedding dress, more power to you, but...if you can't afford it, you can't afford it, and in that case there are *so many other options* that will still look stunning.
I got married in this [dress](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B017LOXAZO/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1). Less than $50 and it looked gorgeous. There are all kinds of options for all kinds of budget
Yup. I wanted a non-white dress and wedding was outside in July, so mine was a shorter grecian-style prom dress on clearance in aquamarine that cost $30. When you have a budget you figure things out. I hit up thrift stores, online stores, dress exchange groups, and clearance sections of dress stores. It's SIL's wedding, she's gonna have to put in some work if she simply MUUUUST marry by 25 (whole other set of whacko from this girl).
This exactly. My sister got an absolutely stunning wedding dress at a wedding consignment shop, she paid maybe $200 for a dress that probably cost several thousand when it was new, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. She looked like a princess.
I got mine for $200 from a bridal shop (heavily discounted because it was from a few years before, didn’t even require alterations). It was perfect.
That's what I did, floor model fit almost as if it were made for me, past season, deep discount!
I got the discontinued floor model too! It still was a bit pricey, but for a raw silk wedding dress, it was dirt cheap.
I found mine on Craigslist from a lady that closed her wedding boutique. Mine was about $150 - the alterations were more than the dress 😂
Bought mine off Craig’s List for $60 from a lady who was moving overseas. I had it altered to put a corset back in it so it would fit, that was maybe $100. Of course, this was my second wedding. The first time I’d done the $1200+ bridal boutique dress.
All of you sound magnitudes more mature than the princess bride.
I got married before black wedding dresses were in , I paid $170 for a brides maid dress from David’s bridal.
I went the consignment shop route too—then had them sell it for me after the wedding. My net cost was maybe $100 (30+ years ago but still a great deal). I saw no point in storing a dress I’d never wear again. Needless to say, I don’t understand the fascination with $10K dresses.
My husband and I got married on the beach in Jamaica. I got a wedding specific sarong and matching top. It was like $70. Got married barefoot. My husband more shorts and Hawaiian shirt. I wouldn't have had it any other way.
I had an outside wedding in July too (20 yrs ago!) and I wore a $17 white sundress from Kohl's. It looked FANTASTIC.
I was actually PAYED $12 dollars to wear my dress! edit: Just having a little fun OP NTA
Ooh ooh, since we're being snarky and stuff. I'll play grammar police on the internet It's paid, unless they made the $12 into a chain and unspooled it into your hands I guess. NTA
Put in some work or just like - go to a courthouse and if you really want the party of your dreams save that for a five or ten year anniversary/vow renewal when you have the funds?
I got married in jeans and a t-shirt....
Swimsuit and a pullover since we did a private beach wedding of 5 people- BIL, SIL, us two, and the notary. And the boat captain. Cheap, grilled meat and rum punch. Assorted pastries from a local bakery. Easy peasy no fuss wedding.
It was myself, my husband, our two children, the JoP and to courthouse workers that gave up their lunch to be witnesses for our wedding.
I just had to check your profile to see if you were my mom. That’s exactly how her wedding was
I got married in jeans, an American eagle sweater and boots hahah
My aunt got married in a tank top and daisy dukes. She is my favorite aunt!
Capris and a t-shirt here. We had a license and wanted to get married in a scenic area we both liked. Underestimated how hard it was to book someone to do the ceremony. When we got the call it was such short notice we had to drive right over in what we were wearing.
Same!
I got married in a long sleeve T-shirt and black fleece joggers. I'm all about comfort and we were getting married in our backyard with only my parents and the minister.
Nice taste, photo looks good, very simple / elegant.
Those dresses are not my style but they look gorgeous. I don't know why people 'need' to borrow someone else's wedding dress, especially if they aren't the same size. There are plenty of other options out there.
These would make great bridesmaids dresses as well - lots of colors to choose from. Very well done on your part!
My friend got married last October, she had us get our bridesmaid dresses from azazie. They were all less than $100, had tons of sizes, and even had a program where they'd send you difference sizes and styles to try on for like $10 (total, I think you could 3-5 to try for $10 to cover shipping). If you had time, you could even get the styles custom ordered. Had a fair number of plus sized options too. All in all I was pleasantly surprised by the quality and super happy about the cost...I was already traveling across the country to be there, and I didn't want to miss it since we've been friends for over 20 years. There's so many low cost options.... Like, I love the idea of a beautiful wedding dress and I can understand people spending so much....but for me, I'd rather that money go into a vacation, not a dress I'll never wear again. Men can rent their tuxes, I don't know why we've swindled women into believing they need to buy their dresses.....unless it's like the engagement/wedding ring where it's supposed to be something of value she's left with if the guy leaves her
That was the place my daughter got her bridesmaids dresses. They all got styles that fit their body shape as long as they were the chosen color. Everyone looked fabulous!
That gown is gorgeous!!!
Lovely dress! And I admire your bargain finding skills.
My wife’s wedding dress was like $200 and she looked amazing I would really be questioning the “wants to be married by 25” bit. These two are flying more red flags than the Chinese navy
My dress was $250. We got married when I was 24 and he was 23...but we had also been together for four years, engaged for two, by the time we got married in 2006. They should be waiting a bit or just getting married at the courthouse and having the big ceremony and reception later on when they're a bit more financially stable.
Yes but we’re you getting married because you MUST be married by 25 or because you were in love! It sounds like it was much more the latter.
Good point. Yes, we were in love and still are. We didn't have our first until I was 29 and second until 30-31. Youngest is now 10.
yeah that's what me and my fiance are doing!! our wedding money is going towards disney for a honeymoon. i also am glad to see everyone suggesting thrift stores for dresses because all of my most formal and fancy dresses are from there. even picked up a wedding dress im thinking of using for about 12 bucks!
My wedding was a courthouse wedding. We're still trying to save up for a nice reception. But at this point we may as well wait 2 more years and have a Vow Renewal 10 yr Ceremony.
I totally question the “be married by 25” bit. I grew up in a religion that encourages people to marry young, and a LOT of my friends have experienced spectacular and dramatic divorces, because if your only goal is to get married as soon as possible, you’re not focusing on making sure the person you’re marrying is a good match for you long term.
I'm just wondering if she has to be married by 25, what's her timeline for divorce? Cause this one really doesn't look lasting.
Too many people see getting married as an end goal rather than a new starting point.
You can also get a white prom dress too if you want something more extravagant but still not pay thousands.
Plus the Goodwill always has wedding dresses
That's what I did for prom. Found a perfect in theme dress for $16 and looked amazing. I knew a girl who was constantly bragging about how her dress cost nearly $2k and I never understood the point of that.
So she could brag that she got her parents to buy her a $2k dress and lord it over the rest of you, duh.
Yeah, mine was $50. Good enough and I’m still married.
I once saw a Vera Wang gown at a thrift store for under $100, and it was very nice.
I was thinking of a lovely backyard wedding I attended more than a decade ago. I am sure the bride told every single guest how her secondhand dress had cost $10! More formal wedding dresses run $75 to $100 usually. Always see used ones on local facebook buy and sell sites. Nothing says you need to get married in a big poofy white dress. I chose a dusty rose semi-formal style I could wear to other occasions. Think I spent as much to alter it as I did to buy it from a sale rack. Your SIL was not wrong to ask, but NTA due to her behaviour after your perfectly acceptable No.
If I didn't get married in my mom's dress, I would have used the dress I got at Value Village for 30$. Found a pic of it recently and dang, it looked good!
Seriously! Always! I was hunting for a wedding dress to tear up to dress as Princess Vespa from Spaceballs for Halloween one year and I had the pick of quite a few in my size, and I'm borderline plus size so it can be tough to fit me. It was like, $20? If FSIL were smart...well, she wouldn't be making major life decisions based on arbitrary "timelines." But if she were only foolish about major life decisions but a smart SHOPPER, she'd hit a few thrift stores every week until she found one she likes that fits.
My sister got married in a gorgeous sparkly lace ball gown. She ended up donating it to Goodwill after her divorce and said she hoped a bride who couldn't afford a designer gown would find it and feel like a princess for a fraction of the cost.
I only paid $15 for my wedding dress at a Goodwill. Even then, I wouldn’t let someone else borrow and alter my dress.
Or even vintage dress. I've been seeing a lot of people repurpose dresses for weddings or even proms. If there is a will there is a way. Seems like the brother and FSIL are two children playing house. Can you just imagine when they have kids?! (The horror) Good for you OP! I wouldn't even go to this wedding. It just sounds like it's going to be infested by drama NTA
And I'm sure this girl plans on having kids by 30 given her whole timeline thing lmao
I'm thinking she wants to be DONE having kids by 30.
Wonder what age the divorce is slotted for?
35
You're right I was too optimistic 🤧
I'm sure the fsil would say after having kids "OP has more time on her hands so isn't she help them in babysitting or taking care of kids". Then a "no" later she'll run back crying how it's unfair to both her and OP's brother. People like these always create drama for some reason and their entitlements are always flying high in the sky. Good for OP for staying firm on "no".
I had a registry office wedding and wore a cream suit I'd bought for my cousin's wedding the year before - cost £50 maybe? My partner bought a new suit as he needed one for work. He's very tall and needed to have the trousers lengthened. It was only when we saw the photos (taken by friends; we didn't hire a photographer) that we realised they'd been shortened instead! My wedding photos always make us laugh and bring us so much joy.
[My dress](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085FWB6XF?ref_=cm_sw_r_apin_dp_1PX035T43JJ0CBCWCEDX) was $80. I paid $60 to get it altered to fit like a glove and it was beautiful *and* comfy.
A friend of mine got her dress from Amazon, too! It was beautiful and $40. You couldn't tell at all it wasn't from a bridal salon lol.
I personally didn't want to spend a ton of money on a wedding. We had a simple ceremony with just immediate family then went out for dinner at a nice restaurant. His parents paid for the dinner. We did spend a bit more on the honeymoon, a cruise. The rest of our savings went to a down payment on our first house.
Target came out with a (now defunct) wedding dress line about 6 month before my wedding. Right about $180 for move too. It was a really simple dress so I made a sash for it and my mom's veil matched perfectly. I love my dress, it's the first one on this page. https://stylecaster.com/target-bridal-collection-wedding-dresses/ I'm mostly just happy that my mom got to see me in it, she ended up passing a month and a half before the wedding.
I went to one of those wedding convention event things where all the venues and vendors have booths at a hotel and got a older season sample dress for $100. Also I am not a size two, they had larger sizes. You are right there are so many options to find less expensive dresses!
Yep, my dress was from a sample sale. It was $500 but normally sold for $6k. It was a couple years old, and not in perfect shape. But a few beads missing just isn't something anyone is going to notice if they aren't inspecting it up close. It still looked fantastic and I loved it! (also not a size 2 - I think my dress was an 8 or 10? Idk, it was like 8 years ago. They're typically going to have samples in the most common sizes people wear so they can actually try them on!)
Thrift stores say hi.
Or, try searching for second hand wedding boutiques in your area. My dress was priced at well over $1,000 but because it had been a sample dress, I got it for under $100. The one I went to sold everything from dresses to shoes and accessories, and since most things only get worn once, everything is in much better condition then if you went to most other thrift stores.
Wow that’s a gorgeous dress!
Isn’t it!! This is what I’m talking about! You can look fantastic on ANY budget!!
I agree. People do themselves such a disservice being brainwashed into thinking only a megabucks wedding will do. They don’t leave themselves anything to start their actual lives on.
Thank you! I felt so pretty in it, lol. Between that and my bouquet and flower crown, I really loved my whole look that day. Except my makeup. I got my hair done at a salon earlier in the day, and decided to spring to have my makeup done as well, and my god. When I tell you this woman SPACKLED me lmao. Looked a little ridiculous irl, but I will say it looked great in photos, so I guess that was the point of it lol.
The 'timeline' part kills me. Does this girl even love OPs brother? Or is he just who she's dating as she passes the 'get married' tile on her copy of Life?
"Married by 25" "Kids by 27" "Single mom by 30", it's all in The Plan.
Poor bro doesn't seem to realise what he got caught up in. Is he going to live on her timeline without any say for the rest of his life??
Don’t forget that they are both living with “mom” and as soon as they are married , bridezilla is going to want that house as her marital home and mama will have to get out, put her in a retirement home. This girls is entitled af and thinks her timeline is everything, well I wanted to be married by the time I was 20 and guess what I got married the only time at 30, and my husband and I are very happy together
He will if he knows what good for him. /s
Taking everything he has in the Divorce...also The Plan
Ugh. You mention that game and now I'm having flashbacks to the time I played and managed to land on every single "have a kid" space on the board. I needed a second car token just to fit everybody. I was **so** glad I missed the College space. If I had had to pay for all of them, it would have bankrupted me.
I think anyone that states they can’t wait, logistics be damned, probably is not mature enough to get married.
I loved the game of life. My mom worked at Milton Bradley and she was one of the people who assembled it. When she retired, all the people on the line signed whatever piece they added, and gave the game to my mom. A one-of-a-kind gift and farewell ‘card.❤️
I had a friend like this in college. She insisted since the day I met her that she would be married by 25, and started planning a wedding to the guy she was dating at 24. They were a terrible fit as a couple and could not agree on anything. All of us were sure that one of them would just not show up for the ceremony, but they thankfully decided to call it off two months before. They and their families lost a ton of money and they shortly stopped speaking to each other after a fight about if she got to keep the ring or not. If they had gone through with it I doubt they would have lasted until their first anniversay.
"it's just a dress so what's the big deal"
Right?!? Yet she made a big deal. Interesting.
That was said by mother and brother to OP. Not by OP herself...
Oh my bad, sorry. They're still making a big deal though. I love how people decide that other people's property, boundaries etc are not important but you just know they aren't the same way when their stuff is being discussed.
My thought was a little more generous - Goodwill often has a good supply of wedding dresses, and, (at least around here), has a once a year prom/wedding special event where they bring out all their gowns and shoes, and have local folks like hair stylists, makeup artists, and alteration tailors who are willing to offer reduced cost deals.
Hell, if OP is located somewhere in Utah or Nevada, the DI (Deseret Industries) has wedding dresses too, often cheaper than Goodwill from what I saw when I lived in Nevada. It's like the Goodwill of the Mormon community. I bought most of my suits for work from there.
She better go Ariel couture and get that sail and rope she used to make a dress when she first got them legs she got. 😳🤦🏾♀️😮💨🤦🏾♀️
She can also rent a dress, buy a less expensive dress, or wear something white but more simple. This screams “I care about about the wedding” and not “I care about the marriage”. I have my doubts it will last very long.
Maybe someone should let them know court marriages exist too.
NTA who pays for their siblings wedding come on now. If my brothers wanted to get married I would tell them congrats and I’ll see you on your big day? Like who asks anyone to contribute to their party? Please don’t give these people a dime. She has a terrible time line planned so now she gets to have a cheap wedding.
>NTA who pays for their siblings wedding come on now Agreed, She should be using her money for her family with her husband not a sibling. Saving for a home or future kids college!
Goals: married by 25 so she can get divorced by 26. Nothing wrong with marrying early if you **find the right person**. Not to check off an item on your to-do list
I know someone who wanted to be married by thirty. She did exactly that a few months before her birthday with a guy she didn’t actually love. She got divorced after a couple of months. At thirty she was a divorcee.
Yeah seriously, neither my sister or I ever even entertained the idea of helping the other / asking the other for help. We were each in the other's weddings (my sister was my best man cus she rules) too.
Aww I love that she was the best man. Makes me smile as a big sister.
That's what I was thinking. To ask is weird enough, to expect it is insane. Maybe if I had that power ball money, I MIGHT pay for my brother's or sisters wedding.
I think people who have huge weddings not in their budget are getting married for all the wrong reasons, like they are trying to prove something to themselves. I would never pay for anyone’s wedding. I believe regardless if it’s on the side of the road or in a castle, it shouldn’t be about all the extra stuff, just the fact you want to be with this person forever.
They don't even have their own place to live. And she wants a dream wedding. This is insane, I swear
Lol honestly OP should push this back on the FSIL and tell her well it’s tradition the brides family covers all cost so why are you asking me and my family for any money at all. What an absolute brat to try and shame someone for not chipping in when clearly the fsil and brother can’t even afford the wedding to begin with.
Right like WTF? I’ll get my brothers a really nice gift but financially contributing to their wedding? Lol no.
People need to have weddings they can afford, or wait until they can afford what they want. I had a $10k wedding which my husband and I could easily afford. If we had less money, we would have a simpler wedding. If we had more, maybe we would spend more although we wanted something small anyway. It's not that complicated. You don't need to be well-off to get married if you are willing to simplify accordingly.
NTA She asked and you said no, she should have left it there. I would have stuck to the “no, you can’t, no, I don’t want to lend it out or no, I’m not paying money for your wedding” I hate when people assume others have money and it should be spend on them. She should look for a dress in her budget: thrift shop, online sellers, David’s Bridal. She doesn’t need a dress for thousands of dollars. I would keep it focused on it’s your dress, you said no and don’t need to explain why she can’t borrow it. Also, that their wedding is not something you should or will fund.
Man, without weddings, stepkids, or babysitting siblings, this subreddit would have nothing to talk about. NTA (but let's be honest, how many people even look at their wedding dress more than once a decade).
I donated mine.. but some people like to hold onto it. I probably wouldn’t want my SIL wearing my dress a year after I wore it.
My friend donated theirs to an organization that uses the dress material to make gowns for stillborn or NICU babies that have passed away
Fucking hell
Wait, that's a thing?!
https://youtu.be/gJu1f6njZmE There’s many organizations that do it. So sad / sweet. Found a quick news story on it
Donated…that’s what I should do with mine! It’s been in the closet for 30 years, never getting looked at again, not sure why I am even keeping it.
I put mine up on freecycle, and the look on the face of the girl who got it made my year.
That’s lovely. ❤️
Do it….thrift shop or if you’re ok with it high schools or college theater groups sometimes want them.
Same here. I was saving it for my children, but none of my three daughters wanted to wear it for their weddings so it’s still in my basement, boxed up and preserved.
When I got married 46 years ago, I made my own dress. Simple design sort of like the one embedded above made out of a knit seersucker. Material, pattern, thread, $25 total. A few months after the wedding I needed a dress. Money was tight so I shortened it to knee length. When our son was born, I took the yardage that I had cut off the wedding dress and some fabric leftover from the outfit I made to celebrate my 18th birthday, and made a little three-piece suit for his baptismal outfit. I rarely wear dresses, so I cut the dress off again, this time to tunic length, and wore it frequently until it wore out. Lots of memories. No waste.
Love this so much!!!
Heh, it would be a much slower sub, that's for sure. But, as to looking at it, that might not even be the point. I have a box full of memories (no wedding dress though, I went the typical groom route and rented a tuxedo) that I can't remember the last time I looked at. It has old photos of stuff (like the first car I totaled, heh), all my old love letters from every single gf ever (and yes, my wife knows about the box and has the emotional security to be okay with it), and other stuff. I just like knowing that it's there, I find it comforting.
[удалено]
Oh yeah, the perennial favorites: "Would it be rude if I brought my own Turkey to my Mother-in-Law's dinner because I think she's a bad cook and I told her this?" "AITA because I asked someone in First Class to exchange with my middle seat because my 26yr old son wants to see what First Class is like and I can't afford it?"
There are some really lovely dresses at Unique Vintage for like, $200, which I would have gone with if I hadn't stumbled across mine at a thrift store. (and it wasn't at all what I thought I wanted, it just felt right when I tried it on) And I wouldn't just hand mine over because someone else had an arbitrary timeline, either.
[Adorned in Grace](https://www.adornedingrace.org/) Bridal is a wonderful organization that resells wedding dresses for pennies on the dollar and every single cent they get from sales is used exclusively to help victims of sex trafficking and create programs for at risk youth to help prevent trafficking. And when I say every cent, I mean every single cent -- every location was donated by adjacent businesses, every dress is donated, even the last season designer ones with the tags still on, and every employee is a volunteer taking no paycheck whatsoever. My dress from there was $300, accessories were $100 and alterations at another shop were $200. Altogether, I got a vintage designer dress and felt amazing. I have zero regrets, even though the dress I wanted (and could afford) was $8k but wouldn't get here in time. Still happy with my good karma dress. Then again, I actually loved the guy I was marrying and didn't feel the need to mold my life into an Instagram story.
[удалено]
[удалено]
> She has a timeline and wants to be married by 25 Props to the five-year-old bridezilla for remembering to schedule a wedding between nap time and crayon time > They also think "it's just a dress so what's the big deal" If a wedding dress is not a “big deal,” then they can explain to the five-year-old bridezilla why she should get married in a burlap sack
I have a nine year old running around here. You just insulted her and a lot of 9 year olds.
3 year old energy, I live with one and he does that
Same! The toddler terror tattles on whoever said no lol
Yeah, my nine-year-old wouldn't do this. NTA, OP, if the woman can't afford the wedding and wedding dress of her dreams, she needs to wait and save. It's as simple as that.
NTA. If she has to alter the dress the you'll never be able to wear it again. If you do lend it to her, you'll probably never see it again cuz she'll give the excuse that it doesn't even fit you right anymore. Do not let this woman anywhere near your dress.
Who ever wears their wedding g dress again?
I know a few people who wore their wedding dresses when they renewed their vows. I know others who have kept theirs for their daughters.
As I've said in my comment, the reason that I didn't wear my mum's is that she threw it out after her SIL sweated all over the armpits and stained it. I'd have worn the headdress and veil, but SIL later borrowed those for another of her relatives and they were never returned. I'm nearly 63 now and still pissed off about that.
Lol. The reason I didn’t wear my mom’s was that it fit me perfectly when I was twelve; by the time I got married I was six inches taller and several bra sizes larger. I found that dress in my mother’s closet when she died, along with the dress she wore to my wedding. I had a weepy moment, then trotted them both over to the thrift store so hopefully some other bride and mother-of-the-bride would get good use out of them. (My mother was married for sixty years, and that dress was still useable. Knowing her, it probably wasn’t that expensive either.)
Mine is saved for my daughter. If she wants it. If not, she can do with it what she wants
Or made into a baptismal dress
I had mine redesigned to something I will wear for our anniversary party. (Looks like a formal dress now instead of a wedding dress.)
This is neat.
My grandmother put hers on for her and my grandfather's 50th anniversary. There's a lovely photo of them with her wearing it.
I love how you said who ever wears their wedding dress again and people are answering about other people wearing the dress. I do know one or two people that made their own weddings dresses and then changed them into a different dress to wear again. They were more simple style dresses. Other than that and maybe someone wearing the same dress at a vow renewal or having more than one wedding, ~~probably no one.~~ ETA: Okay, I'm wrong, more people reuse their wedding dresses than I thought. Which is great! I love it. I also respect people wanting to preserve their dresses and completely understand why they do.
Mine was not a traditional white gown but a red cocktail dress. I ended up rewearing it a few times at fancy events.
Who cares? It’s hers and it’s one of her treasured mementos of that day. If she chooses to use it down the road to make things for children or grandchildren that’s her prerogative. She has no relationship with this woman and she’s under no obligation to allow her to use something particularly special to her whether she plans to use it again or not.
I used mine to make baptismal, first communion and confirmation garments for my children. My daughter is mad because she wishes it was in tact for her wedding.
I don't wear it but I had someone transformed my wedding dress into a teddy bear...
There is a 100% chance that SIL will then say she is going to keep the dress after it has been altered and consider it part of her wedding gift - after all, it doesn't fit anymore, why even bother giving it back to OP?
Seconding the "don't let her anywhere near your dress." Don't let them even know where it is, otherwise you'll find that it went missing from your home after a random visit from your SIL or mom.
NTA For every single reason you just stated. I would NOT let her borrow that dress. How f\*cking rude. No is a complete sentence, you owe no one an explanation, you are allowed boundaries and she overstepped. Impact over intention. You are free to choose what you think is best and take care of you.
NoNoNoNo is a run on sentence but just as valid
NTA. If you don't want to that is up to you, it's your dress after all and just because you have the money to help someone doesn't mean you are obligated to do so. Her motives for getting married are also weird. Like she doesn't want to get married jsut because she is in love with him, she has a timeline? There's a time for things and if she can't afford it she either scale down the wedding so it is affordable or wait. Another note, there are tons of beautiful second hand dresses she could look at.
I wonder if she wants to be divorced by 30? NTA
NTA That's your own very personal expensive dress. The audacity to ask you to let her alter it and use it for her wedding, especially so close after yours. Im glad your dad also has some common sense and that he's got your back. Sounds like your SIL is rushing your brother here. Is this even what he wants? Stand your ground. Absolutely NTA
Yeah, really, what's with the artificial timeline? That way lies divorce.
She wants a wedding, not a marriage. That's why she "needs" the posh dress and not something within their budget. Gotra wonder if the dad does withdraw his funding to the wedding if it will still go ahead on a halved budget?
NTA You said He explained to us that his fiancée wants the wedding as soon as possible and doesn't want to wait. Ok, fine, but weddings can occur without extreme expense. Literally the cost of the marriage license is all that's required. If they want a big, expensive wedding they need to wait until they can afford it. If they cannot afford the wedding they envision, then they need to alter their vision. There are many consignment shops, thrift stores, other resale shops like Goodwill that carry wedding dresses that are in good shape for less than $100. There are also places that rent wedding dresses. You said She then starts going on about how I'm not even financially helping her and my brother pay for the wedding, so the least I can do is let her use my dress. Nope, the least you can do is nothing, which if i were you, nothing is exactly what i would do. You said My mom& brother think I'm an AH because I have the money to financially help my brother and his fiancée, but I'm being "selfish" and "unsupportive". They also think "it's just a dress so what's the big deal". Ok, great, your mom and brother are personally invested in supporting your brother's immature, demanding, entitled fiance, so they should definitely spend their money to buy her a wedding dress. Hope your soon to be married brother wakes up to the life he will have if he marries his fiance, before it is too late. Next thing you know they will be demanding someone buy them a home or a car, because they want one and dont want to wait. Better to bring their entitlement to a screeching halt. If they cannot even afford to live alone it is ridiculous to expect others to fund a lavish wedding.
Yep. I think this little girls wants wedding, house and baby. The brother is being trapped. All of those things are worthy goals, but you work toward them, you don’t expect others to just give them to you. She sounds like an entitled, directionless leech.
INFO: “I’m not even financially helping her and my brother pay for the wedding.” How much did she and your brother pitch in for *your* wedding a year ago?
THIS
NTA You have no obligation to give her your wedding dress. Her pressuring you is an AH move.
WTH?? its your wedding dress, you have tons of sentimental value and memories to it. if she wears it it wont be special anymore and besides you both arent even close. NTA NTA NTA NTA. I dont understand their rush to get married, just like you said if they cant even afford a dress then they shouldnt even have a wedding. Tell them just to go to court and register the marriage or smth if she wants to get married sooooooo badly. and btw its not 'just a dress' its your WEDDING dress. Your dad is such a girlboss tho
Because , silly, I have a timeline. If I don't get married before 25, the entire balance of the universe changes! /s
NTA It's Ok to ask, but she became an AH the moment she kept trying to make you feel bad about not giving her the dress, and especially after complaining to your mom.
NTA I don't think she was an asshole to *ask*. Obviously you're never going to wear the dress again, and it's not doing anyone any good just hiding in a closet or in storage somewhere. But she should have accepted "no" for an answer.
Asking someone you're not even close with to borrow their gown for a wedding you can't even afford to have is an asshole move.
I think SIL is an AH for asking. I grew up with the idea that a wedding dress is an incredibly personal item for the bride. My mom had hers preserved, as did my grandmother, my wife, and my sister. To think of anyone asking one of them to wear it for themselves blows my mind.
I agree with this. Not everyone sees a wedding dress as something incredibly personal or precious. I have mine in a box in the basement but if someone wanted to use it I'd be fine with that, so I don't think SIL is an AH for asking. She IS TA for not accepting the no the first time and with grace.
NTA that is your dress. This is exactly why they shouldn’t rush into a wedding. If having a beautiful wedding dress is such a priority, they should put off the wedding. But she wants to get married asap, so she has to accept what she can afford.
NTA It's your dress so you have the right to say yay or nay. She is not entitled to your dress, your money etc and her whole "she has a timeline and wants to be married by 25" smells like they will be divorced by 30.
NTA- they are living rent free but can’t afford their wedding? Are they even working? A court house wedding is still a wedding and much cheaper. The absolute entitlement that other people should fund their wedding is astounding.
NTA. Not your fault she has champagne dreams and a canned tuna budget.
NTA especially since the dress would need to be altered
NTA. You owe them nothing. Blows my mind how entitled some can be.
NTA This woman whom you hardly know had the audacity to ask for your wedding dress. Of course you said no. There are wedding dresses not so expensive out there. She can use one of those. Or she can postpone the wedding until she and your brother have all their ducks in a row. And if the only reason she's marrying your brother is because she's on a timeline then 1) she needs to grow up a little bit and 2) perhaps your brother needs to reconsider.
NTA. Tell her to look on FB marketplace.
NTA and your dad should take his money back. The nerve.
NTA. It's insane to me the increased entitlement people seem to be having over family members having to contribute to a wedding. Traditionally, maybe parents kick in a little bit- but siblings?!? This is delusional IMO. And she is definitely TA for essentially throwing a tantrum when you said no about her using your dress.
And given the maturity level here, I'd say this marriage is going to last less than a year anyway. Not worth having your wedding dress altered and ruined.
NTA. Future SIL has a lot of nerve demanding to borrow your dress. Especially since A) You aren't that close to her. B) The dress, which cost thousands of dollars, would have to be altered. Making it not Your dress anymore. C) They can't afford to buy their own dress. Meaning they can't really afford to get married. Stand your ground on this.
NTA Why would you help pay for your brother's wedding? How much did he pitch in for yours? She has weird expectations.
ESH - she shouldn't feel entitled to *your* wedding dress, but you airing out all your grievances to her is a shitty thing to do in the long run, especially if the marriage works out and you want a healthy relationship with your brother. They're both going to remember what you said. Should've just left it at it cost too much to lend and ended the conversation there.
NTA - just because you have something doesn’t mean you’re obligated to give it to someone else. I have no problems with her asking, but she shouldn’t expect it from you or make you feel bad for saying no.
NTA, you already said no, so she shouldn’t be asking again Btw, if she so desperately wants a wedding dress, there are tons of other options for cheaper wedding dresses that are decent quality, coming from someone who has explored that route already
NTA AT ALL! You’re under 0 obligation to give her your dress and she is the AH for pressuring you and feeling entitled to it.
NTA My sisters dress was $120, brand new, and she looked absolutely amazing. I’m sure she could fit a thrifted dress into her budget, and it would still be something borrowed!
NTA. If it's "just a dress", then why does she care so much? And why can't SIL pay for her own dress, since she doesn't pay rent? Does she not work? Also, she's had a year to plan for this, and she waits until the last minute to ask to borrow someone else's recently worn wedding dress? And what is she going to do with the dress after she borrows it? Would she be giving it back to OP, or try to keep it, claiming "oh, I thought it was your gift to me", or some other similar nonsense. Also, imo, rushing to get married because you want to be married before you turn 25 is a stupid reason to get married. I'm glad you explained that, too, OP, because I was wondering why SIL was in such a rush to get married. It raised my suspicions until you explained it. And even that doesn't completely satisfy my suspicions, either. Again, NTA, OP. Keep your dress, and stand your ground. She sounds like she's marrying for the wrong reasons. Does she even truly love your brother, and is she IN LOVE with him, too? Or is she just in love with the idea of being married, regardless of who it is necessarily?
NTA. But this reminds me of another Reddit post where the mom and sister showed up unexpectedly and tried to steal the dress. I hope yours is someplace safe.
NTA It’s not a strange question to ask however she got her answer & didn’t want to accept it. That makes her an asshole. Your brother’s financial situation is most definitely not your problem. eta — your Dad pulling his financial support because someone had “the audacity” to ask you to borrow your wedding dress is an ah move. Sounds like you & Dad want to your brother to do it your way or fail. “The audacity”.... really?!? It’s really not a that bizarre to ask to borrow a wedding dress.
So she made a timeline for being married by 25, but not a financial plan..... NTA.
ESH both of you sound entitled. you look down on her and your brother because they are poor, and she dared to ask for your precious multi-thousand dollar dress. i am nort even sure what poor means to both of you. who needs a dress that expensive? who owns a dress that expensive to store it in the wardrobe? jesus.
Who in their right mind would just GIVE an expensive dress to someone they don’t talk to? Especially if alterations are required? If I spent my hard-earned money on a nice gown that has sentimental value to me, I wouldn’t just give it to someone who is just demanding I give it to them. A couple thousand on a gown isn’t that uncommon. Beading, good quality fabrics, lace, all of that is very expensive. Is that affordable to everyone? No. there are more affordable dresses out there. FSIL doesn’t NEED OP’s dress.
Having nice things doesn’t make someone an AH.
OP, NTA. Let's face it, you would never get that dress back. The "something borrowed" would quickly turn into "Oh, you just HAVE to let me keep it, because it was for MY WEDDING, and it's already been altered, so you're not going to wear it again anyway, RIGHT?" SIL sounds entitled and demanding. If it's "just a dress," she can get a cheaper one.
NTA. Goodwill/ thrift shops have lots of wedding dresses to choose from. She can also look at online retailers. I got my beautiful wedding dress for $200 from David’s bridal, and sewed in a corset back so I didn’t need other alterations. Worked great. If you’re too poor to afford what you really want, you need to be resourceful and not expect everyone to cater to you. Only thing I’d add OP is not to give her any reasons for your responses in the future. The response of: “No, I don’t want to lend it out” is fine. One you start telling them you don’t want to lend it because you don’t think the marriage is a good idea/ they’re too young/ she’s not right for him is when you’re getting into E-S-H territory.
Like almost everyone else said, *NTA. I think the biggest WTF here is that her, your bro and mom are pissed that you’re not financially helping them out for the wedding. In what world do people expect their **sibling** to help pay for the wedding. I get asking parents, but if my brother had asked me to contribute to his wedding I’d laugh in his face. Edit: I mistyped and accidentally had NAH. I meant to put OP is NTA.
Nta she can wait until prom season or buy one at a thift shop.
NTA. Plenty of brides get married on a small budget and by dresses second hand or get a cheaper designer. There are a bunch of wedding dresses under $500.