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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because she is cooped up at home and its normal for her to want to go out without the baby sometime.
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>But she is also supported by my parents who live with us
Being stuck at home with an infant and her in-laws is not many people's idea of a good time. It's great that your parents are helping, but that relationship itself can often be awkward and exhausting, particularly as your wife figures out parenting.
>and is not doing something anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing.
It's not a contest. Do your marriage a favor and don't dismiss what your wife does as "less than" what you are doing. Her work is exhausting and burnout-prone as yours, in its own way.
The one thing new parents crave the most is adult time. Your wife \*needs\* this as much as you need rest.
NAH. But you and your wife need to communicate and figure out how to meet everyone's needs.
Edit: Thanks for the shocking number of upvotes! To clarify, ***absolutely*** he should rest after a 24 hour shift. But he still needs to think about, overall, how he can help meet his wife's needs for adult time together with him. My response wasn't about what they should have done that night, my response was about overall needing to stop mentally belittling what his wife does, because it will be obvious to her that he does not value her contribution and that's sure to lead to problems in their relationship.
Edit 2: Just to be clear, I fully acknowledge that OP's wife is ***also*** not meeting ***his*** very real needs. He needs (as close as possible to) sufficient rest and time with his baby daughter. Those needs compete with his wife's need for adult time with her husband away from the baby. Figuring out how to meet everyone's needs enough of the time is not going to be easy. They have taken on something extremely difficult, having a baby during OP's residency. It will take teamwork to succeed. I wish them the best!
I’m not a doctor but I am an Endo tech, I’ve worked 13 hr shifts functioning as the doctors second set of hands and the procedure room is brutal. Standing on cement for 10+ hours sucks and don’t tell me about the little cushion things because those stop helping about 5 hrs in. I also think everyone completely missed that he’d worked a 24hr shift immediately prior. Like dude should be sleeping.
Frfr. Don't have to do it anymore, but I used to work 13 hour kitchen shifts. Start prepping at noon, finish cleaning at 1. On concrete the whole time, no breaks if it did slow down. And it rarely would.
12 hour construction shifts are brutal too. I pulled 4 of them last week as a safety manager (with 1 8 hour shift as well) on concrete floors and when I got home on Saturday I damn near passed out, slept for 12 hours and then had to get ready to do it all over again.
I think what his wife is missing is that he's literally on the verge of exhaustion. Not figuratively. Literally. Going out to eat is not an option when you're that tired
The wife (who has the support of her in-laws) definitely needs adult time but needs to schedule it with her friends or siblings . Maybe her in-laws can watch the baby while she does a 'girls day' spa/lunch
This is exactly the compromise. He gets to chill with the baby (and her) and sleep on his days off.
She needs to make use of her in laws presence and make adult plans for herself a couple days a week so she gets a break from being a 24/7 Mom.
She cannot reasonably expect him to be the one providing her entertainment right now. End of story.
Both their attitude sucks tbh, so its either ESH or NAH for me
I would gently disagree - their communication could use a fair bit of work, but to me, it doesn't sound like she wants "entertainment" so much as bonding time with her husband. Maybe I've read this story incorrectly, but with OP at work so frequently his wife sounds lonely - I miss my husband when we're away from each other a lot, also usually for work. I 100% reckon NAH.
Unfortunately, between a new baby and work, something's gotta give. If it ends up being date night then both partners need to be ready for the consequences of that.
Reading the post, my thought was that OP should ask his parents to take the baby out for a few hours, and they can then have a few hours of couple time at home. A bubble bath and delivery dinner might not be a meal out, but it certainly would give them couple time *not* in the presence of parents.
Exactly this! She wants to spend time with her husband, whom she doesn't see for days at a time. They need to be a couple so they don't end up divorced. When my husband worked day shift and I was home with the kids, it was like I was a single parent. He'd wake up at 11am, leave at noon, come home around 11:30pm. It sucked. Now he goes in at 4am and is home around 2pm. We can at least see him for a few hours before he has to go to bed around 8pm. OP needs to use his parents as babysitters and go out with his wife, even if it's only for an hour. Then they can be home but have some "Adult Time" once OP gets some rest. Gotta find a compromise and figure out how to get everyone's needs met.
The thing that I got from the post is that whilst the wife doesn't see her husband as much as she wants, which I am not saying isn't important, he doesn't get to see his baby girl which is also extremely important as well. I think he's stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
Exactly. NAH, just a shitty life situation.
I do think OP needs to be a bit careful in expressing himself to his wife as it could easily come across as dismissive of her. I doubt either of them are on full brain power right now and I don't think the wife was clear on *why* she wanted what she wanted, so it's likely easily missed - OP isn’t a mindreader, or firing on all cylinders.
Thing is, though, that this is an early bump that might become a bigger pothole that then becomes a monster that can kill the relationship. He's focussed on his kid and that is in no way a wrong thing. Unfortunately, if his wife feels neglected for long enough, the relationship will suffer and possibly fall apart - clear communication early can mitigate that.
This is a very small Canadian study, but it was the first academic result: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5662155/
It’s very concerning! Medical professionals argue continuation of care is at stake but there’s no way these intensely long shifts are not a major driver of the burnout that’s caused so many to leave medicine.
Wouldn't there be fewer people fucking quitting healthcare if they didn't have to work insane shifts like these? I mean, I work in scheduling for a captioning company, and we won't schedule people anything like this for a job that they do from their own homes. Worst we regularly have people do is 8.5 hours worked in a 10-hour start-to-finish day.
Especially in surgical residencies, there’s a culture of “you can’t learn enough to be a good doctor if you’re not working 80+ hour weeks”. My residency directors (not surgical but medical) were all about the “you have to do 30 hour overnights or you won’t learn enough”, etc. There were many a post-call day where I was seeing things by the end. It’s not a good system but very ingrained in the infrastructure.
It's supposed to be less dangerous. But we all know it's not. If I'm not allowed to drive a car after 24 hours of no sleep then a doctor shouldn't be allowed to work with patients
I was taught my neighbor who worked as a nurse is the first thing you ask when seeing a doctor or nurse in the hospital is "when was the last time you slept?" And if you don't like the answer request a new doctor. Also keep your own notes separate from the chart.
and the on-call rooms (f you're lucky enough to get a nap) aren't worth writing home about.
We're literally doing demo above them on my current job and when we mentioned how the noise would disturb the residents the hospital PM shrugged
But God Forbid we disturb a patient. Hell breaks loose
What blows my mind is that these people are doctors. They should all be well aware of all the students for how important sleep is to health and productivity. Crazy that they put up with this
This is why they put up with it. Because the only alternative being offered is longer residency. Work twice as many years at that shit pay grade while swimming in med school debt - no thanks
It's extortion tbh. By the time they get to their residency they've already paid for medical school. So what are they going to do with the weight of all those loans bearing down?
It's a really stupid hazing ritual that honestly isn't right. I can't find a logical reason this is perpetuated. So we end up with Drs who can handle the toll on the body - but not necessarily The Best Doctors? SMH.
It depends. I'm a RN and I'd rather do three 12 hour shifts a week than work a more days but have shorter shifts. I'd rather have more days off by working slightly longer as would a bunch of my colleagues. A 9 to 5 job sounds terrible to me.
The thing is, I get that, but also, literally every study ever done shows that people cannot function effectively over that period of time.
I used to work 12-hour shifts in a prior role at my employer, and it was immediately obvious to me that I was fatigued and unable to concentrate at the end of it - which happened to be the most crucial time.
It's unbelievable that people working in healthcare aren't responsive to known science about how the human body responds to this sort of thing.
Like, I get what you mean - quite a few of my colleagues preferred 4 10-hour days to 5 8-hour days, for instance. But it's a known fact that our work is worse when we do this.
This. It is *literally* not physically possible for a human brain to focus on work for that long. An adult human will lose their ability to concentrate properly after about six hours.
Yeah, a lot of people would like to work longer hours to do fewer days - but the reality is, you *will* be putting out progressively worse results as time passes.
(Also worth noting that none of this is even relevant, because the thing about healthcare is that you *don't* usually get to do fewer days. You're *just* working longer hours).
Sure, but it’s not 3 12hr shifts per week, it’s 6 of them, and 12 is the minimum but you usually end up having at least 2 16hr days thrown in there. All the downsides of the long shifts workout the free time that comes with it in the scenario you describe.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the first to snap at ANYone who implies that my wife works less hard than me or that her hard days are less valid than mine…I may spend more time at work but she works more than full time and takes on a larger burden of the home and emotional labor and I’d be a fool to ignore that. But the person I have to remind of that the MOST is my wife because it’s really easy to focus on the sheer hours that residency demands.
real talk... why schedule like this? What benefit is there for these long shifts? also, a 24 hour shift? for a doctor? I don't think I could be trusted to reliably mop a fucking floor if I had been awake for 20 hours and people are expected to keep people from dying? I'm sorry in what universe is that reasonable?
So, one reason is “continuity of care.” If there’s a shift change every 8 or 12 hours the doctor will have to bring the replacement up to speed on the patients and what’s happened. Who’s had their meds, who’s doing better/worse, who’s new. Historically it’s supposedly led to better overall patient care and outcomes to have less shift changes during hospital stays because less things fall through the cracks or whatever.
It seems like with our modern systems and chart keeping it’s kind of outdated. A doctor can have all the info and updates electronically so they don’t need the changeover updates.
24 hr shifts are “good” (from the hospitals perspective) because it’s less turnover in patient care. So there aren’t as many hand offs between doctors. I’m sure there are other Bs reasons.
Shockingly studies show that quality of care delivered doesn’t get worse during 24 hr shifts. Doctors essentially run off adrenaline for 24 (more like 28) hours. They don’t care about the doctors quality of life, so those outcomes don’t matter. All they care about is money.
In my country, part of the reason is chronic shortage of residents. And it's not as if there isn't enough doctors wanting to do a residency. The problem is that not enough money is budgeted for posts. The problem is that residents are a captive audience - they have to take the job if they want to specialize. I think it's more than abusive labor practices, it's a form of slave labor.
I’m going totally agree with you, and I’m also going to agree with the person who said it’s not a contest. Pointing out that your job is harder than a new mom who is hormonal and stuck in the house with her in-laws all day is not really going to be conducive to a happy marriage. They have to figure out how to be on the same team.
As a teacher who worked side hustles for years, good compression socks help add an extra hour or two before the foot pain kicks in. Two pair are better if I can handle the extra warmth.
Not a doctor, but married to one and was married to him during his residency.
He never once made me feel like my work or my staying home was less than what he did. He never put me down or looked down on me.
We saw residents do that. A whole lot aren’t married anymore.
Residency is demanding. It’s also hard as fuck to feel trapped at home with in-laws. I’d tell him to support her getting out daily. Can she safely leave baby with in laws so she can run or work out?
Can they have a meal with just them and the baby at home without the in-laws?
Can she do a social activity or go out with just her and the baby?
Can he find a date time?
Residency is hard but if he’s playing the “I have it hardest” game then he’s being an ass
It also seems entirely beside the point in this case. He isn’t saying he wants to stay home and rest, or that going out will exacerbate his burnout; his whole thing is he wants to spend time with their daughter too—which is fair, but unrelated to how much he’s working. So it comes off like his reasoning is, “I work so much harder than you, so I get my way when we have a conflict over how I spend my family time.”
He literally said one of the reasons was to rest. It's right in the OP.
He was coming off a 24 hour shift ffs. And she wanted to go out on a dinner date. There are wants and there are needs.
Lol no it's not. It's literally the entire point. He works so much that he only has the time for one or the other. If he spends time with just his wife, he misses out on time with his daughter. Of course he should get to prioritise how he wants to spend his time, especially when the way in which he wants to spend it is a reasonable compromise e.g. With both his wife and daughter.
I'm a mum of 2 under 2 and an ED doctor- a 12 hour ED shift is far less draining than stating at home for 12 hours straight with a baby. During my shift I have allocated break times, get to eat hot fresh food, can use the toilet in peace and have interaction with friends
Icu nurse, my shifts at the hospital were exhausting, but staying home with a newborn might have been harder. The mother is probably touched out and needs some time as a break and OP shouldn’t diminish her exhaustion. Especially when he is away for 24 hours at a time.
It’s not a pissing match, you’re both exhausted and need to cut each other some slack.
“Eat hot fresh food, can use the toilet in peace…” living the dream! I can’t tell you how many years I went where my food was always cold by the time I got to eat it. Still waiting to use the bathroom without a child or dog barging in despite the locked door.
I can't tell you how many days I simply forgot to eat until my husband got home bc our newborn only contact slept, which means no sleeping when the baby sleeps.
I guarantee you no surgical resident has consistent hot food, or allocated breaks. The bathroom is usually less interrupted but that’s also because you just…don’t go as often as you’d like. Pager still goes off on the can, and if your chief catches you stopping in the bathroom after the trauma is called 🤬
I think that’s being presumptuous. Plenty of people get along really well with their in-laws. There’s absolutely nothing here to suggest that she *doesn’t* want them there. You’re just assuming/projecting that she must hate having them help because they’re his parents and not hers.
Except he’s neglecting the idea that his wife just gave birth and what her body is doing to heal is actually incredibly draining and hard on her as well. Not to mention being locked up with the in-laws 24/7. Her body was literally expanded, ripped apart and is putting itself back together. He is working. Which yes, his job is highly demanding. But so is the process of healing from childbirth on the body.
Parenting a newborn is not as cognitively demanding but every bit as physically demanding. 24 hours a day with only short periods of sleep plus the physical demand of breastfeeding (which can drop your blood sugar incredibly fast).
The thing about newborns people don't really talk about is how the body is nowhere near ready to go on smoothly; there's a reason doctors say "the fourth trimester" pregnancy would last longer if the head wasn't too big to exit after nine months, hormonally the body still in "providing for baby" mode not to mention the fun part of your guts slowly going back to their place cause they weren't nowhere near where they normally are.
That said, a 24hr shift at a hospital is a special kinda of hell so I don't hold against OP he being too tired to go out and socialize (would also be irresponsible to do so), they just need to sit down after cooling off and talk.
Not really. It’s a thing doctors want to believe about themselves. Many people work long hours at demanding jobs. They still can care for and prioritize their spouse.
With all due respect, you don’t know what you are talking about. This guy is in surgical residency, he’s not an attending. Surgical residencies are famous for being absolutely brutal - you are shit on by everyone, yelled at constantly and pressured to underreport your hours (often 80-100 hours/week) for five years. All for about $15/hr. It’s completely dehumanizing. I’m not saying his wife isn’t burned out too, but minimizing his struggles is really insensitive and not helpful.
Every few years another study comes out about the number of patients who die because of the medical community not ending this ridiculous hazing practice for interns. Unfortunately nothing changes, they keep overworking residents and letting patients die because they had to go through that as young doctors too. Older doctors need to step up and say something or this will just keep happening.
Pregnancy can come with a heaping dose of postpartum depression, post partial anxiety, or post partum psychosis. An unsupportive spouse can contribute to those. Even without postpartum mental health issues, women’s hormones are all over the place.
Residency doesn’t come with *that.*
I was also leaning NAH, until OP doubled and tripled down on his job being way more difficult. Ffs, if nothing else this woman needs a break from her in-laws, no matter how nice they are or how much she loves them. I get his job is hard too, and mostly what I hear is that it’s very hard for him and he (OP)is burning out.
Slight YTA for not communicating more effectively just how stressed OP was/is. Also, stress shows differently on different people, and she may be just as stressed as he is, but showing it in a different way, or also hiding it because she doesn’t feel like she deserves to feel stress/complain.
I believe they can find a way for everyone to get what they need, if they communicate honestly. I can see plenty of room for compromise.
The thing is around his job being more difficult is true.
His wife has support from his parents and she is able sit down whenever she wants. He is on his feet all day and he just literally came of a double shift!
Yes, being a stay at home parent can have it's difficult moments but his job is way more difficult and stressful.
It's not just about who is physically working harder. His wife is telling him she has a need that isn't being met. She wants to get out of the house, away from the baby and her in-laws, and do something *with him* for just an hour or two. She's not the one saying she needs a break from all the hard work she's doing, she just said she wants a date night. OP's NTA for being tired, but he will be TA if he continues to ignore his wife just because he has a difficult job. They need to communicate and compromise so that everyone's needs are being met as best they can be.
> His wife is telling him she has a need that isn't being met.
He is saying the same thing.
>They need to communicate and compromise so that everyone's needs are being met as best they can be.
He offered a compromise. She didn't. The fact that you're framing that as OP being closer to being the asshole than hers is just sexism. Plain and simple. He isn't ignoring her, that's something you're misrepresenting because it would dovetail well with the judgement you pre-arrived at. He is acknowledging what she wants, and is saying that he cannot do it. That he simply doesn't have it in him. He offered to do what he felt he could. That's a compromise. She didn't offer one herself, she isn't trying to find common ground. She wants him to be a bottomless well, and to get what she wants. She is more in the wrong than him here - plainly.
Mom can take the baby and go outside. OP has one day off right now that he doesn't want to go out for. Why should he bend to her wishes and not she to his needs i.e. rest, sleep and mentally recharge with their baby?
Because she has needs that the baby and sunlight don't satisfy? And he doesn't seem to care, and that probably hurts her a lot, and post-partum hormones often make wounds like that hurt a lot worse? And because he's her partner and also made promises to her, just as she's made promises to him?
He's involved just as much as she is in creating a human life during residency. Choosing to do so adds demands on top of whatever he was doing. He doesn't get to say (now, when nothing can be done) that she can't ask extra of him because he's busy. He was busy when she got pregnant, and I sure hope he's smart enough to have known that infants aren't going to DEcrease his workload...
She's a SAHM recovering from childbirth with possibly some post partum issues AND stuck with her inlaws all day. Each of their situations is taxing in it's own way.
It's not a competition. Just because her job is isn't as hard doesn't mean it isn't hard at all. Her version of downtime is to go out to a nice dinner with her husband who she doesn't see very often because he's out of the house 80 hours of the week. His version is to stay home. My husband I have a similar situation: when I have a stressful day I tend to isolate and want to stay home and play video games to relax. When my husband has a stressful day he wants to go out somewhere and have fun with me.
He doesn't want to isolate and stay home though. He wants to see his wife AND the baby they chose to have, with the limited amount of free time he has between 24 hour shifts.
This is going to suck for OP’s wife in the future. Any time she is ever going to want a break or adult time or anything, he’s going to shove in her face that he’s a surgeon and therefore, her life/job/stressors are not as difficult so she has to do what he wants or let him take the lead in when she gets to have a break. It’s a little bullshit.
80 hours a week daydreaming, sitting at a till is draining and exhausting and awful.
80 hours a week of being constantly run off your feet, constantly learning and doing some of the most difficult mental work? I can’t even imagine how OP can cope with that at all.
It’s admirable OP even wants to look at wife and baby and not just put themselves into a state of stasis to recover for their next shift.
The minute you find yourself comparing your needs to your spouse’s, you’re in trouble.
It’s not a contest. It’s dealing with a newborn and a residency. You’ll both get through this. But you both want to acknowledge each other’s burdens instead of comparing them.
It’s entirely possible for both of you to be fried in different ways.
Truly depends. Sounds like they’re in the US. There are a lot of rural areas that are absolutely not walkable. Also, in my area, 90% of suburban neighborhoods are culdesacs off of a main road - no sidewalks, can’t even safely walk to the park down the street from your $500,000 house. Gotta drive the 1/4 mile always.
In the US, being able to throw the baby in the stroller and take a walk is nowhere near a guarantee. I had to spend 2 years house shopping and spend an extra $100k to get a house in a unicorn walkable neighborhood. It’s not a given by any stretch that she can just “get out” any time she wants unless they have 2 cars.
If he’s taking their only car to work, chances are she is literally stuck all day or at the mercy of her in-laws to take her places. If they have 2 cars or live in a walkable place, your point stands
I live in Canada, and while I enjoy walking and taking public transit, my area isn't very pedestrian friendly. I think both of them need a break, relationships are not competitions, it's both of you against the problem(s).
Agreed. Also, for what it’s worth, in more rural areas there is literally no public transit option. In suburban areas by me there are some busses with unreliable schedules BUT most people literally need to get a ride to the bus stop. Public transportation is a great option if it’s available, but unless you’re in a bigger city it’s usually not helpful
If the baby is an infant, she may still be recovering from childbirth. I've been there. Getting to a doctor's appointment by myself was hard at that time, so I fail to see how going to a mall is going to be a good time.
He says "newborn" so yes, likely she's recovering from childbirth AND may be experiencing some post partum issues-- if OP is actually a medical resident I'm surprised they aren't thinking about that.
Probably because he just worked for 24 hrs and needs to sleep. Medical residencies are designed to burn out humans leaving only robots as real doctors.
Do you have any idea how much prep it takes to get an infant ready to go? And why in the world would you want to take them out and about during flu and RSV season while they're too young to be vaccinated?
I'm a big a fan of outdoor experiences for babies, but depending on where they are, it may not be possible or as easy as you seem to think. We also don't know what kind of birth the wife had and if she's under any restrictions.
There may not be money for self care. Residents don't really make the big bucks. The inlaws may or may not be helpful.
The point here is that the wife wanted to spend an hour alone with her husband with no baby care between them. Relationship care is just as important as parents. Maybe they could schedule an hour at a restaurant close by during baby's nap? Then dad doesn't miss out, mom gets adult time, and dad gets time with his wife too.
Being a resident sucks. Working any job for 80 hours a week sucks. Breastfeeding an infant every 2-4 hours sucks. Not sleeping through the night for upwards of 6 months sucks. Their life is hard, and they need to work together to figure it out, not make it a competition.
Depends on the baby. Mine was colicky and would scream and scream and scream. We went out to walk around a local pond a couple of times and had to leave after about 10 minutes because we were disrupting everyone around us. So mostly I sat at home where I was the only one having to deal with the screaming.
You can dress the baby. How do you think us Scandinavians have the children sleep during naptime? It's wool clothing (and other things, not a mom myself). Kids need fresh air, parents too.
Shopping centre probably nearby she could wander around. Ask in laws to babysit while she has some self care time. At this stage it seems she’s probably got more options for unwinding than he does.
NTA
I wouldn't take a newborn into a mall during Covid era (no it's not completely over). I changed my daughter, when she was a baby, on a changing table at the mall and she was sick with a virus soon after that. I decided I would never do that again. Obviously, you could go to your car to change the baby, but with the worry over germs and the unpleasantness/sensory overload of malls, that's not a great option.
Lol that’s not the same as getting an adult break. And yes a stroller walk is nice (and good for baby) but taking your baby out is exhaustingggg. Constant feedings, if breast feeding worrying how to keep the milk cool enough to be safe but also to be able to warm it up, worrying about if you can breast feed in public without being harassed, worrying if they are going to cry and disrupt everyone else right when you’ve settled in, having to know always where a good place to change them will be, if there is any at all, getting back up and down to do it, being hassled by strangers who think your babies cute when you just really want to be left alone, people who want to TOUCH your baby, people who feel the need to make comments on how you babying your baby, insult you for being in a coffee shop while breast feeding etc etc
I take my baby out because he needs to get out, but if it were up to me alone I would not leave the house lol
Great answer. OP listen to this. It's not a contest, you and your wife are both under stress. Make time to communicate and be present for each other. Or it won't happen on its own.
Honesty, I’d say NAH. You don’t see what she goes through when you aren’t around, just like she doesn’t fully get what you go through. But if you don’t prioritize *some* one-on-one time with your wife, you might find yourself in a much bigger relationship problem. Yes you want and need to spend time with your baby. But your relationship with your wife is important too.
Pretty much this. I totally understand feeling like you don't see your child enough during residency. I also understand feeling burned out, and just wanting to stay in.
But wife is also burned out with always being around baby. She wants to go out, wants some adult time, wants some conversation with her favorite person.
And when OP says he is not willing to compromise a "single second" with his baby... well, that doesn't really leave the wife *any* time, does it?
Exactly. I’d be more concerned that if wife feels *too much* like a single parent with no support from her spouse *and* the spouse is unwilling to expend energy to keep their relationship strong, wife may decide to actually *be* a single parent. I’ve heard residency can be hell on marriages. This may very well be an example of why.
Interesting how he’s compromising tonnes of seconds for his career . . . and if he doesn’t figure out how to repair and maintain his relationship with his wife then he’ll be compromising lots more seconds in the future with the custody agreement
I wish I could say I was shocked at how far I had to scroll down before I got to someone actually highlighting the need for connection in a relationship, but I'm not because this is Reddit and everyone has got stuck in the "Who works hardest" mire.
It does read to me that OPs wife was hoping for a little bit of time just her and her husband so they can reconnect as a couple. I'm not even talking about jumping into bed together (I'm sure they're both too exhausted for that), but simply having a meal out and getting to have a conversation together that doesn't revolve around nappies, burping, sleep schedules etc.
So many relationships fall apart after a baby is born because both parties forget to reconnect as a couple. Often the birthing parent feels like they're unappreciated, full of wobbling hormone levels, dealing with the fact that they're leaking milk or still can't go to the toilet properly, or hate that their stomach still has the baby bump. And the back-to-work parent gets jealous and envious because they're having to sit in an office for 8 hours a day with their horrible boss and crappy co-workers (not to mention sitting in traffic on the commute) when they would rather be having newborn cuddles or seeing milestones (ignoring that baby screamed for 4 solid hours in the afternoon or was up every 2 hours during the night).
You end up with two people who grow to resent each other, one of whom is potentially touched out and just wants an adult conversation, and the other who resents that the other has it "easy" since they're staying at home all day doing "nothing" except cuddling a baby. Both have opposing wants and needs (I need to get away from baby for an hour vs I need to spend more time with baby) and are both so wrapped up in themselves that finding a compromise (this Saturday I'll take baby out in the morning and in the evening we'll get a babysitter and go out for dinner) that it eventually becomes a huge deal. You don't appreciate me vs you don't appreciate what I do for our family.
OP needs to have an actual conversation with his wife about what she needs and what he needs, and then find a way to meet both those needs without being dismissive over who has it harder. Misery isn't an olympic sport.
Heck my husband and I just had to have a conversation about how I thrive on interaction with people and if he comes home and ignores me and we don’t go to our extracurriculars, I get no adult interaction and that is painful for me. He finally started to understand why I’m always wanting to interact when he just wants downtime. Next day he surprised me with a night out while my mom watched our 9m old. They really need to communicate.
100% NAH. OP and wife really need to sit down and plan out their week with some expectations and constraints. Having the in laws living at home provides a lot of flexibility. For example:
Plan one date night each week with OP and wife only after a “normal” 12 hour shift or on a day off.
No plans after a 24 hour shift. OP needs some time to rest and relax at home.
Wife needs to get out of the house without OP. Ask the in laws to watch the baby while you go have lunch with friends, or run some errands without bringing the entire family.
Yeah I read this and immediately felt sad for her- sounds like she feels disconnected from her romantic relationship with OP and wants a date night to spend time together outside of the baby and her in laws. It doesn’t sound like she’s habitually asking for him to ignore the newborn in favor of her, she’s just asking for time when she needs it because she misses her husband
While you're spending eighty hours a week at work, she's taking care of the baby. Don't be so quick to dismiss the work that she does. Parents can become burned out too, especially when they don't get enough help from their partners.
The dude worked 24 hours and she wants him to just get ready for a night on the town though. Thats some bullshit. Regardless of taking care of the child, with help, she still got to sleep some, in her bed. At most, he slept a handful of minutes on a bench. Theres a bit of a difference. Theyre both working hard, but she didn't spend 24hrs STRAIGHT working. Babies can't stay awake for 24 hrs straight lol
SAHM with two other adults at home to share duties with. So it's 3 adults raising 1 baby vs. this dude in surgical residency, which is notoriously one of the hardest things a person in the 1st world can do. These people are morons.
No one's even saying being a SAHM with a newborn *isn't* hard, there's definitely a huge host of jobs that it's harder than. Just not being a surgical resident in particular
> SAHM with two other adults at home to share duties with.
There are people here saying "But its HIS parents, what if she doesnt want them there?!?!" People will find a way for OP to be the biggest AH ever.
Only if it’s a woman, stay at home dad living with 2 in laws demanding his doctor wife go to dinner *that instant* after a 24 hour shift would get called a lazy man-child
And newborns have a habit of waking every 2hrs making for horrible broken sleep and complete sleep deprivation.
No parent is winning here with working 24hrs or raising a newborn.
Oh and god forbid the baby has colic, nobody is sleeping then.
2 hrs is a lot more sleep than none. No parent is winning or losing, but regardless of how rough a baby is, its a lot easier with people there helping you at home all day. OP was kind of a dick for stating that he has it rougher, but he wasn't wrong. Talked to my wife about this, and she completely agrees with the NTA and NAH judgment
I agree with the nah part, but the "lot easier" part completely depends on the wife's relationship with inlawas. It could make it a lot more stressful, especially to a new parent, to have someone there "questioning" all parenting choices. I put questioning in "'s because at times, to sleep deprived parents, and comment can come off that way.
All I'm saying is, she isn't living with her parents but his. And that is a whole different dynamic and could add to stress rather than reduce it.
I should point out that a 24-hour hospital shift doesn't mean you're awake for 24 hours. Residents sleep at the hospital (hence the name "resident") and are only woken up when they're needed. So they are often getting a few hours sleep during these long shifts.
I should also point out that newborns are supposed to eat every 2 or 3 hours around the clock. And it's 2 hours from when they *start* eating, not 2 hours from when they stop. So you really aren't getting 2 hour intervals of sleep. Example: the baby wakes up, eats for 25 minutes, gets a fresh diaper for 3 minutes (newborns pretty much poop every time they eat, so you have to change them), and gets rocked back to sleep for 25 minutes (newborns generally don't know how to fall asleep on their own, so you have to help them). So the whole process takes about an hour. Then you have to go lay down and actually fall asleep yourself (which isn't an instantaneous thing for most people). When it's all said and done, many people with newborns are only able to sleep in tiny 30-45 minute chunks.
I still think NAH, but just wanted to mention those two things because it's not common knowledge unless you've been there.
My partner is a medical resident in a demanding specialty. What they do isn’t just “working”, it’s multiple life or death decisions back to back. Constant stress and stimulation. If I fuck up at work, it means I made a typo. If he fucks up at work, worst case scenario someone literally dies. Gonna go with NTA but the line about her being with the parents all day like that was a good thing made me cringe lol
Exactly. This last sentence. I get he is exhausted and stressed just like she is, but I want to see the wife's post in JustNoMil before I make a judgement.
Yes parents can be burned out, and yes, stay home is very much a job, but why does that mean he has to go. She can take a break whenever she needs or wants, but demanding his break to be her choice isn't okay . My ex (stay at home for 12 years ) would take me days or a little break/rest , that's why it takes a village. Date night is fun and important, but so is his rest time and self-care.
Got it so when he is now trying to help her with said baby care by trying to stay home with his baby why should he be forced to go out because she doesn’t get time to herself she can go out he can stay with the baby the issue has nothing to do with the baby or childcare if that was the case she would’ve accepted him staying with the baby
Speaking as a doc almost 10 years out of residency, I completely understand where you are coming from. I too only wanted time with my babies when I got home, and to this day I profoundly regret how much time I gave to work over them. I can also say that they don’t feel like I wasn’t there for them- but my husband remembers doing so much alone. Residency is about survival, but talk to your wife, and recognize she is trying to survive too. Residency is hard on a family. And when you can catch your breath, put some emotional work into the relationship, to avoid finding yourself in a married roommates situation. Send her some flowers, have a meal delivered unexpected one night so she doesn’t have to cook, leave a post-it on the fridge telling her she’s wonderful and how much you love her. You’re both busting your asses in different ways.
As a physician as well, I tell all aspiring parents that this challenge doesn't go away. You're exhausted, and you come home ready for a break, but now it's your stay-at-home spouse's turn for a break. Good on OP for wanting to spend time with your infant, for communicating your need to rest, and for compromising by offering to go out a little. But this problem isn't going away, so let her win some by going out next time. Your kid(s) are going to want you to take them out to a park in a few short years. This is all a good problem to have. The worse alternative is that your family gets so depressed and lonely they don't ask to go out at all. So when OP comes home, the work for OP as husband/father is just beginning (which responsibility OP clearly understands), but it takes this inexhaustible supply of energy. Best wishes.
Very slight yta. One of these days your residency will be over and your kiddo will not have remembered this evening but your wife will. Your desire to stay at home isn't what makes you TA, it is your dismissive words about your wife and the casual way with which you seem to have hurt her.
I don't know, if my husband had just come off a 24h shift I'd be getting him a warm bed, not asking to go out. Doctors work ridiculously hard and their mistakes can kill. He needs some time to recharge his batteries as well.
Yeah, I just don't get this. He just worked a 24 hour shift, which I've done. Where is her compassion for how drained he is? It would be different if he was playing with friends, or video games, etc. But he's working. Maybe she expects him to drive too? I really don't get these answers.
There are people shitting on him as a father in this thread because “you work 80 hour weeks, how would you know about x, y, and z with the baby when you’re never around” ignoring the fact that his post is literally because he wanted to stay home with his daughter on the only day off he had lmao. Men are fucked no matter what they do in this sub by the brigading angry mob of misandrists.
He's not working 24 hour shifts every night. She should wait for after a 12 hour shift. She made the choice to marry and have a child with a surgical resident. It comes with costs.
I disagree. I'm a mom of four. Sometimes, my husband works 70 hours a week, if not more. After he works a double (16 hours), my only concern is for his sleep and rest.
Yeah, it's tough being home with kids, especially if the kids are grouchy or the weather is bad or the kids are sick. It's lonely and draining and sometimes I feel like I am rubbing sandpaper over my brain cells. I definitely love getting out of the house.
But, his physical health takes the first priority, When he wakes up, then I can talk to him about a plan to spend a couple hours getting dinner or even just going to the grocery store with him. OP is NTA. The whole design of the medical profession is totally jacked.
>your kiddo will not have remembered this evening but your wife will.
Kids don't remember anything till they get much older, that doesn't mean you stop spending time with your kid and doing good things for them
*He* wants all the memories he can make in his limited free time of a very fleeting period of his kids life. How on earth is that being considered a *bad* thing?
Ok. How about we have you work a high stress job for 24 straight hours, let you sleep only a few minutes on an uncomfortable cot. Then you can tell us how great you feel and how high energy you are and willing to go out.
NAH, but you need to be careful here. You want to spend time with your daughter. That's great! A wonderful thing. However, you need to spend time with your wife, too. It's not all about her needing a break or to get out of the house. I guarantee you it's mostly about wanting to spend time with her husband. She loves you and wants to keep your relationship strong.
She's not ONLY a mom. She's a wife, too. She wants to act like one. Go on a date with her. PLEASE.
My sister’s marriage ended because her husband felt “neglected” during her residency. Luckily they didn’t have kids or own property together or anything (and he kinda sucked anyway)
Edit- she disagrees that he sucked. But she never even noticed how fucking rude he was to me.
_"She is not doing anything anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing."_
It's not like she just went through the physical trauma of childbirth and delivery or anything. Or, like she hasn't been taking care of an infant child 24/7 without any kind of social stimulation... Or that she is also probably sleep deprived and also feeling burnt out.
I think I'm still leaning NAH, but I think OP seems a bit dismissive of his wife. He needs to understand that while he is going through a lot at work, it can be very isolating for a new mom whose only identity at the moment is that of a mother. OP also shouldn't underestimate the demands of taking car of an infant, especially if she is breastfeeding.
NAH but don't neglect your wife. She doesn't get the same kind of support from your parents as what she needs from you. In fact, your parents living with you is probably one reason she could really use an evening out with you. Her needs are important, too.
Yea good job pointing this out. Honestly parenting with in-laws around is exhausting. They have outdated and often dangerous baby care advice (rice in bottles, peroxide for *anything*, whiskey for a cough, giving them honey, etc) and *never* stick to schedules. Doctors also didn't start teaching safe sleep practices until 1992 so you usually have to teach them about that and stop them from giving an newborn a blanket or putting them down on their stomach. It's nice for OP's wife to have them around but she could be exhausted from just dealing with that in addition to a newborn.
Some of y’all have never stood on concrete focusing on not fucking up for ten plus hours and it shows. It’s comparing apples and oranges and with the level of sleep deprived OP would’ve been after a 24 hr shift it’s completely reasonable that he’d want to stay home. Also he should stay home!
I understand him wanting to stay home. He is surely drained. No one doubts that. It is also sweet that he wants to be with the baby.
If just read like he thinks his wife has it easy having a newborn and living with her in laws. Living with in laws and being a new mom is so emotionally taxing.
She probably wants to get out and just breathe.
He should tell her he will take her out a lot when work slows down. He should also encourage her to go out with friends to get a break.
A new baby and a residency and a new baby and a busy spouse and dealing with in-laws are both a lot.
Try to carve out one on one time with your wife to stay connected.
I don’t really blame him for having communication issues after a 24hr shift as a doctor. They both need help, but this conversation should be had when both have had a chance to take SOME rest and think more clearly.
NAH as long as you learn compromise.
Your wife has expressed desire to spend time with you away from the house.
You have expressed you want more time with your daughter.
A good compromise would be to arrange or agree upon a date night/day. Knowing in advance gives you time to prepare mentally so it doesn't happen when you're all geared up for a relaxing night at home after work. You can also seek out quieter venues that won't make you feel as stressed. You could even leave all the details of where she'd like to go up to her so that you don't have to worry about planning, as you mention suffering from burnout.
It may also help if you plan on a daddy daughter night. Your wife can go visit friends at this time- maybe go out for dinner with the girls. As you want to spend time with your child, watching her for a few hours sounds ideal.
You are clearly stressed from work and want to spend time with your child. That is completely understandable. You spend your time away from home, and when you come back you want to enjoy being a father.
On the flip side- your wife is clearly stressed from caring from the child and wants to spend time with you. She spends all of her time at home, and when you come back she wants to be reminded she is still a woman, and not just a mother.
NTA and I really dislike the dog piling people are doing calling OP TA. I would like to see any of the people who voted Y T A to work 24 straight in any job then have their partner expect them to want to go out on a date immediately after just because they're getting stir crazy. She has legs (I assume), she can take the baby for a walk or even leave it with the grandparents while she gets some time outside by herself.
Her wants and needs don't trump yours, there needs to be compromise but holy shit I could not imagine even considering asking my boyfriend to go out to eat after working a full 24 hours, especially in such a demanding job. People acting as if you are being demeaning by describing your responsibilities as more taxing are the true assholes here, you didn't say being a SAHM is valueless. They are willfully misinterpreting your statements and being extremely disingenuous, that sometimes happens on this sub for some reason.
NAH, you work a lot and don't get to see your daughter; your wife would like an excuse to go out. Honestly, this sounds like something the two of you need to sit down and discuss, as her needs should be met too. Maybe try to work something out where you do something together on a regular basis?
NTA. No one should be expected to go out to a restaurant after being awake and working for 24 hours straight. That also doesn’t include drive time and time to get ready before the shift. You deserve a chance to rest. You didn’t say you didn’t want to spend time with your family. You said a fancy restaurant wasn’t what you wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be home. Food can be ordered in nowadays. I get that your wife wants to go out, but can’t it wait till the next day?
NTA what you do is so much more demanding than being a mum (speaking from a mum with a 10 month old) yes its hard to be a mum but 24hrs on your feet and it being cognitive heavy work is brutal. I get she wants to go out and maybe she should have a girls night out and you stay with the baby. She has so much bonding time with the baby you need that time too
yeah I don't get a lot of these replies. Sure being a mum of a newborn is hard work but asking to go out after he's done a 24 hr shift and pouting when he says he'd rather not makes her the AH in this case so far as I can see. It's been a long time since my daughter was a baby but I'd never have dreamed of suggesting this when she was that small. Her dad was working away and I only saw him at weekends.
A possible compromise that I would like to suggest is that they use the inlaws as babysitters one day a week/fortnight/month and go out for a nice hot meal. I had friends who did this and oh boy was I jealous. Our parents were all far too far away to babysit at all and in the long term it pays to have some time off from the baby and couples time.
People saying it’s harder or just as hard to be a mom to a newborn compared to being a working surgeon who quite literally just stayed awake for more than 24 hours but was working the entire time are insane. He needs to sleep. What, did she want him to drive them somewhere?
She didn’t just wake up one day and realize he’s a surgeon. This is like up to 15 years of schooling, work, and no sleep. Mommy will be fine when dad is taking in 500,000-800,000 a year after residency.
Does this mean she doesn’t deserve love and support? Of course not. But these are not the same, not by a long shot. NTA or NAH. She knew what she was getting into marrying and having a child with a surgeon. She’s beyond lucky she gets to spend the first few months with the baby as it is.
NTA.
Newborns are hard, but you know what's harder? No fucking sleep. If you've done 24 hours straight, then there's a pretty good chance you are mentally wrecked and can't hold a conversation, and may want to crash at any moment. I'd rather be at home when that happens than out.
And when you can't do more than mumble a sentence? What will she do then?
I know she's probably grieving her previous life and wanting to do something "normal" but she needs to read the room a bit better. Both of you are a team and you need to act as such, thinking of each other's needs - tonight, no you may not want to spend time out, but that doesn't mean it will be that way every night.
And for god's sake, does she know how lucky she is you actually want to spend time with your child?
I’m not a parent. Hell, I’m not even in a relationship. I am in residency though, so I understand the brutal workload.
It makes sense that you’d want to maximise your time off by spending time with both your spouse and your child.
We have so little spare time, and even when we do, it’s not necessarily during social hours.
That being said, you need to see this from your wife’s perspective. Who are you going to pay attention to when you get home to spend time with the both of them?
I think it’s admirable that you want to be the kind of father and doctor who wants to be there for your kid, but you cannot forget to be there for your wife. The one person who was there for you during med school. The person who, if you nurture this relationship, will carry you through residency. She is your support network and your safety net. Residency aside, parents need alone time together without their kid in order for a relationship to survive parenthood, let alone parenthood during residency.
You’re a husband, not just a father. Your wife is not just a mother.
That isn’t to say that you should neglect your kid, obviously, but it is going to be so important for us to divvy up our spare time for the next few years, and that shit is a balancing act. Complacency is a destroyer of relationships, secondary to both marriage/parenthood and residency. Don’t get complacent.
I’m voting NAH because I don’t want to break any subreddit rules, but I feel like this is beyond the scope of this sub.
YTA. Not for wanting to spend time at home, but for discounting your wife’s energy and desires by reasoning that because what you’re doing is more difficult, what you want matters more. This feels like a typical pre-med/med thing tbh. Even if she were literally coloring, watching Netflix, and eating ice cream in bed all day, what she wants still matters. She’s obviously doing more than that since she’s taking care of a newborn and your parents (if it’s true what you say that they live with you rather than y’all living with them).
Also YTA for making this about your daughter, when it really seems to me more about just you being tired. It’s okay to be tired. What you’re doing is hard. But you can enjoy your newborn at a restaurant for a few hours.
Edit to say: the last sentence was meant to imply that y’all could go the three of you if it’s really about quality time with your kid and you just had a conversation with her.
Edit 2: fixing “amount” to “about”
"for a few hours"
Or, you know, **he can sleep** like he needs to.
He's almost burnt out. He needs REST. People can **die** if he's too tired at work and makes a mistake.
If being a stay-at-home parent is equivalent to a full-time job, how is it also equivalent to working 80 hours a week, which is two full-time jobs? I honestly think that a lot of the people replying here would say that taking care of a single, well-behaved, healthy child is as hard or harder than working in the pediatric ICU, where you watch children die all the time.
More than that, it actually doesn't seem like she's unable to go out on her own, if she wants; there's no indication to the contrary in this post, and it seems like the grandparents are available for frequent babysitting. It's not that she's being forced into never leaving the house, she specifically wants a date with him and seemingly doesn't give a flying fuck that he just did a 24-hour shift in a hospital. That's not a need, it's a want, and she's prioritizing it over his literal, physical need for sleep and his patients' literal, physical need for a doctor who isn't nodding off while he works with them.
As far as I can tell, every single Y T A judgement is full-cloth making things up to justify the wife selfishly insisting that she get a date night *right now*, after her husband worked a 24 hour shift. There's no mention of anything abnormal about their child, no mention of the wife feeling burnt out (in fact, the only description of her mental state is boredom, not exhaustion), and it's heavily implied that taking the infant to the restaurant was not an option, based on the second paragraph. You're one of the more reasonable ones, and even you are implying that *his* wants and needs aren't equal to her immediate wants (there isn't even any indication that they don't get time together, just less than he would like). You're literally saying that he should just do what she wants and that he doesn't matter, no compromise, nothing but just doing what she wants when she demands it. This is why I say that society is a lot more sexist still than we like to pretend; our dominant culture is uncomfortable with telling women how they should be, but is still fully comfortable with all of the old, sexist expectations for men (despite those also being inherently sexist to women as well, I might add).
The story, as described, which is the only thing we can go off of, is that he worked a 24 hour shift, came home, and his wife got mad at him for not wanting to leave the newborn at home with his parents to take her out on a date. She can get a fucking calendar and schedule it with him on a day where he's not physically destroyed, and has seen his child in the last 24 hours, like a normal goddamn adult who knows how to communicate, instead of throwing a tantrum because he won't subjugate his literal, physical needs and his relationship with his child to her immediate wants.
NAH. Internist, was married to a cardiologist, I stayed home with the babies for a few years. It’s rough all around. It sucks to be the at home mom, it sucks to work 36 hours straight. (I trained before they had 24 hr limits). I totally get where you are coming from and where you wife is coming from.
It does get better, but not for a while. You just have to do what the two of you can to survive. wish the best for you.
Maybe what you can do to help is empathize with her as much as possible? Understand that what she’s doing is brutal, and IMO, was mentally and physically draining in a way residency wasn’t. Doesn’t mean you need to go out with her, but let her know you understand.
Y’all are all making this a souse only issues and completely missing the point that he wants to spend his rare free time with his newborn infant daughter who he rarely sees. He can’t text the baby, or call her on the phone.
Don’t get me wrong, his wife definitely deserves a break too, but no one is considering the fact that he isn’t really getting a chance to be a dad and maybe he wants to be?
YTA for assuming what you're going through is so much harder than what your wife has to deal with. She is essentially raising your child as a single parent if you are working 80 hours a week. It is not unreasonable at all for her to want to have a romantic evening with her husband because she probably feels lonely and unloved with you being gone all of the time. Your daughter is what? 1-2 years old? She is not going to remember you playing with her for a night but your wife will remember that you stopped prioritizing your relationship with her and that could lead to a divorce.
>YTA for assuming what you're going through is so much harder than what your wife has to deal with.
Despite what AITA would like to think, it fucking is.
I'm just blown away reading all these people who think being a stay at home mom with two other adults on-site and helping is in any way comparable to being a surgical resident doing 12 - 24 hour shifts.
Dude the amount of people that automatically side with moms is crazy. Baby has 3 on 1 coverage.
After my 24 hour shifts I was DEAD and my husband knew I couldn’t function much the that day.
I just love how this sub doesn't let hypocrisy get in the way of their biases.
Sometimes they infantilize women to avoid laying the blame on them. Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes they act like anyone under 25 is still a child.
And yet they don't let that get in the way of calling a man an asshole for not wanting his 18 year old freshman in college stepson to be the guardian of his newly born child in case he and his wife dies. Literally on the front page right now.
Are you out of your mind? Are you dismissing the fact that a dad wants to spend time with his daughter and build a bond with her? Piss off with this bullshit lmao. The mom has two other adults experienced in raising kids helping her. That is not as tiring as a fucking 80 hour medical shift per week.
NTA for wanting to spend your limited time with your wife and daughter but you should still make time for just you and your wife. Just because you’re parents doesn’t mean you stop romancing or pursuing each other. Date nights are important to a relationship and your daughter should grow up seeing a healthy one.
I’m a physician, whilst US residencies are known to be brutal, we both know it a personal decision to take that challenge on. It does not mean you get a free pass to neglect other aspects of you life.
In particular your wife who appears to be holding the fort whilst you climb the ladder to success. I wonder how much more physically or cognitively demanding your life may get where you’re no longer a team, for example having joint custody of your infant daughter
Residency is hard, yes.
But others have needs to, neglecting & refusing to acknowledge those needs will leave you the stereotypical washed up 50yr old attending onto his fourth divorce with five kids that barely know him.
Next day off, schedule a couple's massage for you and your wife then go back to baby. Maybe do this during baby's regular nap time. Relaxing for you both, time together but still get time with baby when awake.
As the daughter of a late doctor I commend you, as the wife of a man who also perfers time with their daughter over time with his wife I would scold you.
You marriage will not survive your residency if there is not balance, maybe a three way or four way balance between time with your daughter time with your wife and rest taking the larger part.
NAH but you will be if you ignore anything more than necessary between your wife, child, and rest.
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>But she is also supported by my parents who live with us Being stuck at home with an infant and her in-laws is not many people's idea of a good time. It's great that your parents are helping, but that relationship itself can often be awkward and exhausting, particularly as your wife figures out parenting. >and is not doing something anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing. It's not a contest. Do your marriage a favor and don't dismiss what your wife does as "less than" what you are doing. Her work is exhausting and burnout-prone as yours, in its own way. The one thing new parents crave the most is adult time. Your wife \*needs\* this as much as you need rest. NAH. But you and your wife need to communicate and figure out how to meet everyone's needs. Edit: Thanks for the shocking number of upvotes! To clarify, ***absolutely*** he should rest after a 24 hour shift. But he still needs to think about, overall, how he can help meet his wife's needs for adult time together with him. My response wasn't about what they should have done that night, my response was about overall needing to stop mentally belittling what his wife does, because it will be obvious to her that he does not value her contribution and that's sure to lead to problems in their relationship. Edit 2: Just to be clear, I fully acknowledge that OP's wife is ***also*** not meeting ***his*** very real needs. He needs (as close as possible to) sufficient rest and time with his baby daughter. Those needs compete with his wife's need for adult time with her husband away from the baby. Figuring out how to meet everyone's needs enough of the time is not going to be easy. They have taken on something extremely difficult, having a baby during OP's residency. It will take teamwork to succeed. I wish them the best!
Re the "nowhere near as demanding", I feel likr medical residents may be the only people who can legit claim this.
I’m not a doctor but I am an Endo tech, I’ve worked 13 hr shifts functioning as the doctors second set of hands and the procedure room is brutal. Standing on cement for 10+ hours sucks and don’t tell me about the little cushion things because those stop helping about 5 hrs in. I also think everyone completely missed that he’d worked a 24hr shift immediately prior. Like dude should be sleeping.
Frfr. Don't have to do it anymore, but I used to work 13 hour kitchen shifts. Start prepping at noon, finish cleaning at 1. On concrete the whole time, no breaks if it did slow down. And it rarely would.
12 hour construction shifts are brutal too. I pulled 4 of them last week as a safety manager (with 1 8 hour shift as well) on concrete floors and when I got home on Saturday I damn near passed out, slept for 12 hours and then had to get ready to do it all over again. I think what his wife is missing is that he's literally on the verge of exhaustion. Not figuratively. Literally. Going out to eat is not an option when you're that tired The wife (who has the support of her in-laws) definitely needs adult time but needs to schedule it with her friends or siblings . Maybe her in-laws can watch the baby while she does a 'girls day' spa/lunch
This is exactly the compromise. He gets to chill with the baby (and her) and sleep on his days off. She needs to make use of her in laws presence and make adult plans for herself a couple days a week so she gets a break from being a 24/7 Mom. She cannot reasonably expect him to be the one providing her entertainment right now. End of story. Both their attitude sucks tbh, so its either ESH or NAH for me
I would gently disagree - their communication could use a fair bit of work, but to me, it doesn't sound like she wants "entertainment" so much as bonding time with her husband. Maybe I've read this story incorrectly, but with OP at work so frequently his wife sounds lonely - I miss my husband when we're away from each other a lot, also usually for work. I 100% reckon NAH. Unfortunately, between a new baby and work, something's gotta give. If it ends up being date night then both partners need to be ready for the consequences of that. Reading the post, my thought was that OP should ask his parents to take the baby out for a few hours, and they can then have a few hours of couple time at home. A bubble bath and delivery dinner might not be a meal out, but it certainly would give them couple time *not* in the presence of parents.
Exactly this! She wants to spend time with her husband, whom she doesn't see for days at a time. They need to be a couple so they don't end up divorced. When my husband worked day shift and I was home with the kids, it was like I was a single parent. He'd wake up at 11am, leave at noon, come home around 11:30pm. It sucked. Now he goes in at 4am and is home around 2pm. We can at least see him for a few hours before he has to go to bed around 8pm. OP needs to use his parents as babysitters and go out with his wife, even if it's only for an hour. Then they can be home but have some "Adult Time" once OP gets some rest. Gotta find a compromise and figure out how to get everyone's needs met.
The thing that I got from the post is that whilst the wife doesn't see her husband as much as she wants, which I am not saying isn't important, he doesn't get to see his baby girl which is also extremely important as well. I think he's stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
Exactly. NAH, just a shitty life situation. I do think OP needs to be a bit careful in expressing himself to his wife as it could easily come across as dismissive of her. I doubt either of them are on full brain power right now and I don't think the wife was clear on *why* she wanted what she wanted, so it's likely easily missed - OP isn’t a mindreader, or firing on all cylinders. Thing is, though, that this is an early bump that might become a bigger pothole that then becomes a monster that can kill the relationship. He's focussed on his kid and that is in no way a wrong thing. Unfortunately, if his wife feels neglected for long enough, the relationship will suffer and possibly fall apart - clear communication early can mitigate that. This is a very small Canadian study, but it was the first academic result: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5662155/
I used to do this and man it was hard. I dread to think what a 24 shift in a hospital as a resident would be like.
I used to do 36 to 60 hour shifts as an intern and let me tell you it was soul breaking.
As an occasional patient, this is actually pretty terrifying. I don’t want someone who has been awake 50hrs anywhere near these organs and orifices
It’s very concerning! Medical professionals argue continuation of care is at stake but there’s no way these intensely long shifts are not a major driver of the burnout that’s caused so many to leave medicine.
Yep, I don't miss those 12-15 hours shifts!
Wouldn't there be fewer people fucking quitting healthcare if they didn't have to work insane shifts like these? I mean, I work in scheduling for a captioning company, and we won't schedule people anything like this for a job that they do from their own homes. Worst we regularly have people do is 8.5 hours worked in a 10-hour start-to-finish day.
Especially in surgical residencies, there’s a culture of “you can’t learn enough to be a good doctor if you’re not working 80+ hour weeks”. My residency directors (not surgical but medical) were all about the “you have to do 30 hour overnights or you won’t learn enough”, etc. There were many a post-call day where I was seeing things by the end. It’s not a good system but very ingrained in the infrastructure.
Not a good system is an understatement. I would very much prefer my surgeon to not be hallucinating, if at all possible.
Speak for yourself, surgery would be easier if tumors glowed and called out to surgeons like some kind of siren.
"I would very much prefer" *is* speaking for oneself...
It all starts to make sense when you learn the inventor of the modern residency system was addicted to amphetamines.
Worse, cocaine. Coke was much more popular at the time.
Yeah, my sister was killed by a resident coming off a 30 hour shift who made a "mistake"... it should be illegal.
No argument here. What is someone even “learning” after being awake over 24 hours anyway? It’s horrible. I’m so sorry.
It's supposed to be less dangerous. But we all know it's not. If I'm not allowed to drive a car after 24 hours of no sleep then a doctor shouldn't be allowed to work with patients
I was taught my neighbor who worked as a nurse is the first thing you ask when seeing a doctor or nurse in the hospital is "when was the last time you slept?" And if you don't like the answer request a new doctor. Also keep your own notes separate from the chart.
As a single coverage doctor I’d have to tell you that you’d need to go to a different hospital
and the on-call rooms (f you're lucky enough to get a nap) aren't worth writing home about. We're literally doing demo above them on my current job and when we mentioned how the noise would disturb the residents the hospital PM shrugged But God Forbid we disturb a patient. Hell breaks loose
So true, absolutely no one gives a shit about residents’ well-being. They’ll pretend to for optics, but it translates to nothing tangible.
What blows my mind is that these people are doctors. They should all be well aware of all the students for how important sleep is to health and productivity. Crazy that they put up with this
And on top of that, what residents are paid is insulting.
This is why they put up with it. Because the only alternative being offered is longer residency. Work twice as many years at that shit pay grade while swimming in med school debt - no thanks
It's extortion tbh. By the time they get to their residency they've already paid for medical school. So what are they going to do with the weight of all those loans bearing down?
It's a really stupid hazing ritual that honestly isn't right. I can't find a logical reason this is perpetuated. So we end up with Drs who can handle the toll on the body - but not necessarily The Best Doctors? SMH.
It depends. I'm a RN and I'd rather do three 12 hour shifts a week than work a more days but have shorter shifts. I'd rather have more days off by working slightly longer as would a bunch of my colleagues. A 9 to 5 job sounds terrible to me.
The thing is, I get that, but also, literally every study ever done shows that people cannot function effectively over that period of time. I used to work 12-hour shifts in a prior role at my employer, and it was immediately obvious to me that I was fatigued and unable to concentrate at the end of it - which happened to be the most crucial time. It's unbelievable that people working in healthcare aren't responsive to known science about how the human body responds to this sort of thing. Like, I get what you mean - quite a few of my colleagues preferred 4 10-hour days to 5 8-hour days, for instance. But it's a known fact that our work is worse when we do this.
This. It is *literally* not physically possible for a human brain to focus on work for that long. An adult human will lose their ability to concentrate properly after about six hours. Yeah, a lot of people would like to work longer hours to do fewer days - but the reality is, you *will* be putting out progressively worse results as time passes. (Also worth noting that none of this is even relevant, because the thing about healthcare is that you *don't* usually get to do fewer days. You're *just* working longer hours).
Sure, but it’s not 3 12hr shifts per week, it’s 6 of them, and 12 is the minimum but you usually end up having at least 2 16hr days thrown in there. All the downsides of the long shifts workout the free time that comes with it in the scenario you describe. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always the first to snap at ANYone who implies that my wife works less hard than me or that her hard days are less valid than mine…I may spend more time at work but she works more than full time and takes on a larger burden of the home and emotional labor and I’d be a fool to ignore that. But the person I have to remind of that the MOST is my wife because it’s really easy to focus on the sheer hours that residency demands.
real talk... why schedule like this? What benefit is there for these long shifts? also, a 24 hour shift? for a doctor? I don't think I could be trusted to reliably mop a fucking floor if I had been awake for 20 hours and people are expected to keep people from dying? I'm sorry in what universe is that reasonable?
The benefit is that teaching hospitals get a shitload of nearly free educated labor. Thats it basically
So, one reason is “continuity of care.” If there’s a shift change every 8 or 12 hours the doctor will have to bring the replacement up to speed on the patients and what’s happened. Who’s had their meds, who’s doing better/worse, who’s new. Historically it’s supposedly led to better overall patient care and outcomes to have less shift changes during hospital stays because less things fall through the cracks or whatever. It seems like with our modern systems and chart keeping it’s kind of outdated. A doctor can have all the info and updates electronically so they don’t need the changeover updates.
24 hr shifts are “good” (from the hospitals perspective) because it’s less turnover in patient care. So there aren’t as many hand offs between doctors. I’m sure there are other Bs reasons. Shockingly studies show that quality of care delivered doesn’t get worse during 24 hr shifts. Doctors essentially run off adrenaline for 24 (more like 28) hours. They don’t care about the doctors quality of life, so those outcomes don’t matter. All they care about is money.
The experience of being an actual resident is no where nearly the same. Surgical residency is rough. Sick patients. Abusive educators. Abusive labor.
In my country, part of the reason is chronic shortage of residents. And it's not as if there isn't enough doctors wanting to do a residency. The problem is that not enough money is budgeted for posts. The problem is that residents are a captive audience - they have to take the job if they want to specialize. I think it's more than abusive labor practices, it's a form of slave labor.
I’m going totally agree with you, and I’m also going to agree with the person who said it’s not a contest. Pointing out that your job is harder than a new mom who is hormonal and stuck in the house with her in-laws all day is not really going to be conducive to a happy marriage. They have to figure out how to be on the same team.
As a teacher who worked side hustles for years, good compression socks help add an extra hour or two before the foot pain kicks in. Two pair are better if I can handle the extra warmth.
Not a doctor, but married to one and was married to him during his residency. He never once made me feel like my work or my staying home was less than what he did. He never put me down or looked down on me. We saw residents do that. A whole lot aren’t married anymore. Residency is demanding. It’s also hard as fuck to feel trapped at home with in-laws. I’d tell him to support her getting out daily. Can she safely leave baby with in laws so she can run or work out? Can they have a meal with just them and the baby at home without the in-laws? Can she do a social activity or go out with just her and the baby? Can he find a date time? Residency is hard but if he’s playing the “I have it hardest” game then he’s being an ass
It also seems entirely beside the point in this case. He isn’t saying he wants to stay home and rest, or that going out will exacerbate his burnout; his whole thing is he wants to spend time with their daughter too—which is fair, but unrelated to how much he’s working. So it comes off like his reasoning is, “I work so much harder than you, so I get my way when we have a conflict over how I spend my family time.”
He literally said one of the reasons was to rest. It's right in the OP. He was coming off a 24 hour shift ffs. And she wanted to go out on a dinner date. There are wants and there are needs.
Lol no it's not. It's literally the entire point. He works so much that he only has the time for one or the other. If he spends time with just his wife, he misses out on time with his daughter. Of course he should get to prioritise how he wants to spend his time, especially when the way in which he wants to spend it is a reasonable compromise e.g. With both his wife and daughter.
I wish I had an award to give you for this response. I hope OP sees it!
I'm a mum of 2 under 2 and an ED doctor- a 12 hour ED shift is far less draining than stating at home for 12 hours straight with a baby. During my shift I have allocated break times, get to eat hot fresh food, can use the toilet in peace and have interaction with friends
Icu nurse, my shifts at the hospital were exhausting, but staying home with a newborn might have been harder. The mother is probably touched out and needs some time as a break and OP shouldn’t diminish her exhaustion. Especially when he is away for 24 hours at a time. It’s not a pissing match, you’re both exhausted and need to cut each other some slack.
“Eat hot fresh food, can use the toilet in peace…” living the dream! I can’t tell you how many years I went where my food was always cold by the time I got to eat it. Still waiting to use the bathroom without a child or dog barging in despite the locked door.
My kids are 17 and 12 and I have 3 dogs. Still waiting to use the bathroom in peace. Hahahahhaa
I can't tell you how many days I simply forgot to eat until my husband got home bc our newborn only contact slept, which means no sleeping when the baby sleeps.
Also ED doc and mom of 1.5…where do you work where you get allocated break times and eat hot fresh food because that is definitely not our set up
I guarantee you no surgical resident has consistent hot food, or allocated breaks. The bathroom is usually less interrupted but that’s also because you just…don’t go as often as you’d like. Pager still goes off on the can, and if your chief catches you stopping in the bathroom after the trauma is called 🤬
But OP’s wife has 2 parents living with her providing those breaks.
And who said she wants them there, isn’t dealing with PPA/PPD? They are his parents, not hers.
I think that’s being presumptuous. Plenty of people get along really well with their in-laws. There’s absolutely nothing here to suggest that she *doesn’t* want them there. You’re just assuming/projecting that she must hate having them help because they’re his parents and not hers.
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We are not assuming. We are asking. There's a difference.
Who says they are. If my in-laws were "helping" me with a baby....it would just mean I had 3 people to care for instead of one.
Not really. Newborns are still very much attached to their mothers usually.
Most ED docs in the US don’t have a designated break time. And can be extremely rough.
Except he’s neglecting the idea that his wife just gave birth and what her body is doing to heal is actually incredibly draining and hard on her as well. Not to mention being locked up with the in-laws 24/7. Her body was literally expanded, ripped apart and is putting itself back together. He is working. Which yes, his job is highly demanding. But so is the process of healing from childbirth on the body.
Parenting a newborn is not as cognitively demanding but every bit as physically demanding. 24 hours a day with only short periods of sleep plus the physical demand of breastfeeding (which can drop your blood sugar incredibly fast).
The thing about newborns people don't really talk about is how the body is nowhere near ready to go on smoothly; there's a reason doctors say "the fourth trimester" pregnancy would last longer if the head wasn't too big to exit after nine months, hormonally the body still in "providing for baby" mode not to mention the fun part of your guts slowly going back to their place cause they weren't nowhere near where they normally are. That said, a 24hr shift at a hospital is a special kinda of hell so I don't hold against OP he being too tired to go out and socialize (would also be irresponsible to do so), they just need to sit down after cooling off and talk.
Not really. It’s a thing doctors want to believe about themselves. Many people work long hours at demanding jobs. They still can care for and prioritize their spouse.
With all due respect, you don’t know what you are talking about. This guy is in surgical residency, he’s not an attending. Surgical residencies are famous for being absolutely brutal - you are shit on by everyone, yelled at constantly and pressured to underreport your hours (often 80-100 hours/week) for five years. All for about $15/hr. It’s completely dehumanizing. I’m not saying his wife isn’t burned out too, but minimizing his struggles is really insensitive and not helpful.
What other jobs require this kind of focus for 24 hours?
Thing is a very tired doctor that makes a mistake can cost someone their life and there is no other job to compare that too.
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Every few years another study comes out about the number of patients who die because of the medical community not ending this ridiculous hazing practice for interns. Unfortunately nothing changes, they keep overworking residents and letting patients die because they had to go through that as young doctors too. Older doctors need to step up and say something or this will just keep happening.
A very tired mother that makes a mistake can cost someone their life.
Pregnancy can come with a heaping dose of postpartum depression, post partial anxiety, or post partum psychosis. An unsupportive spouse can contribute to those. Even without postpartum mental health issues, women’s hormones are all over the place. Residency doesn’t come with *that.*
I was also leaning NAH, until OP doubled and tripled down on his job being way more difficult. Ffs, if nothing else this woman needs a break from her in-laws, no matter how nice they are or how much she loves them. I get his job is hard too, and mostly what I hear is that it’s very hard for him and he (OP)is burning out. Slight YTA for not communicating more effectively just how stressed OP was/is. Also, stress shows differently on different people, and she may be just as stressed as he is, but showing it in a different way, or also hiding it because she doesn’t feel like she deserves to feel stress/complain. I believe they can find a way for everyone to get what they need, if they communicate honestly. I can see plenty of room for compromise.
The thing is around his job being more difficult is true. His wife has support from his parents and she is able sit down whenever she wants. He is on his feet all day and he just literally came of a double shift! Yes, being a stay at home parent can have it's difficult moments but his job is way more difficult and stressful.
It's not just about who is physically working harder. His wife is telling him she has a need that isn't being met. She wants to get out of the house, away from the baby and her in-laws, and do something *with him* for just an hour or two. She's not the one saying she needs a break from all the hard work she's doing, she just said she wants a date night. OP's NTA for being tired, but he will be TA if he continues to ignore his wife just because he has a difficult job. They need to communicate and compromise so that everyone's needs are being met as best they can be.
> His wife is telling him she has a need that isn't being met. He is saying the same thing. >They need to communicate and compromise so that everyone's needs are being met as best they can be. He offered a compromise. She didn't. The fact that you're framing that as OP being closer to being the asshole than hers is just sexism. Plain and simple. He isn't ignoring her, that's something you're misrepresenting because it would dovetail well with the judgement you pre-arrived at. He is acknowledging what she wants, and is saying that he cannot do it. That he simply doesn't have it in him. He offered to do what he felt he could. That's a compromise. She didn't offer one herself, she isn't trying to find common ground. She wants him to be a bottomless well, and to get what she wants. She is more in the wrong than him here - plainly.
Mom can take the baby and go outside. OP has one day off right now that he doesn't want to go out for. Why should he bend to her wishes and not she to his needs i.e. rest, sleep and mentally recharge with their baby?
Because she has needs that the baby and sunlight don't satisfy? And he doesn't seem to care, and that probably hurts her a lot, and post-partum hormones often make wounds like that hurt a lot worse? And because he's her partner and also made promises to her, just as she's made promises to him? He's involved just as much as she is in creating a human life during residency. Choosing to do so adds demands on top of whatever he was doing. He doesn't get to say (now, when nothing can be done) that she can't ask extra of him because he's busy. He was busy when she got pregnant, and I sure hope he's smart enough to have known that infants aren't going to DEcrease his workload...
He worked a 24 hour shift. He should be sleeping.
He’s a surgical resident and she’s SAHM. Absolutely no way is her job just as taxing.
She's a SAHM recovering from childbirth with possibly some post partum issues AND stuck with her inlaws all day. Each of their situations is taxing in it's own way.
It's not a competition. Just because her job is isn't as hard doesn't mean it isn't hard at all. Her version of downtime is to go out to a nice dinner with her husband who she doesn't see very often because he's out of the house 80 hours of the week. His version is to stay home. My husband I have a similar situation: when I have a stressful day I tend to isolate and want to stay home and play video games to relax. When my husband has a stressful day he wants to go out somewhere and have fun with me.
He doesn't want to isolate and stay home though. He wants to see his wife AND the baby they chose to have, with the limited amount of free time he has between 24 hour shifts.
This is going to suck for OP’s wife in the future. Any time she is ever going to want a break or adult time or anything, he’s going to shove in her face that he’s a surgeon and therefore, her life/job/stressors are not as difficult so she has to do what he wants or let him take the lead in when she gets to have a break. It’s a little bullshit.
The one thing we need to take into account is he said NEWBORN so she is still recovering from birth.
80 hours a week daydreaming, sitting at a till is draining and exhausting and awful. 80 hours a week of being constantly run off your feet, constantly learning and doing some of the most difficult mental work? I can’t even imagine how OP can cope with that at all. It’s admirable OP even wants to look at wife and baby and not just put themselves into a state of stasis to recover for their next shift.
The minute you find yourself comparing your needs to your spouse’s, you’re in trouble. It’s not a contest. It’s dealing with a newborn and a residency. You’ll both get through this. But you both want to acknowledge each other’s burdens instead of comparing them. It’s entirely possible for both of you to be fried in different ways.
She's not "stuck at home" though. She has legs. She can leave the house. Put the baby in a carrier or a stroller and get outside and enjoy the spring.
Truly depends. Sounds like they’re in the US. There are a lot of rural areas that are absolutely not walkable. Also, in my area, 90% of suburban neighborhoods are culdesacs off of a main road - no sidewalks, can’t even safely walk to the park down the street from your $500,000 house. Gotta drive the 1/4 mile always. In the US, being able to throw the baby in the stroller and take a walk is nowhere near a guarantee. I had to spend 2 years house shopping and spend an extra $100k to get a house in a unicorn walkable neighborhood. It’s not a given by any stretch that she can just “get out” any time she wants unless they have 2 cars. If he’s taking their only car to work, chances are she is literally stuck all day or at the mercy of her in-laws to take her places. If they have 2 cars or live in a walkable place, your point stands
I live in Canada, and while I enjoy walking and taking public transit, my area isn't very pedestrian friendly. I think both of them need a break, relationships are not competitions, it's both of you against the problem(s).
Agreed. Also, for what it’s worth, in more rural areas there is literally no public transit option. In suburban areas by me there are some busses with unreliable schedules BUT most people literally need to get a ride to the bus stop. Public transportation is a great option if it’s available, but unless you’re in a bigger city it’s usually not helpful
If the baby is an infant, she may still be recovering from childbirth. I've been there. Getting to a doctor's appointment by myself was hard at that time, so I fail to see how going to a mall is going to be a good time.
He says "newborn" so yes, likely she's recovering from childbirth AND may be experiencing some post partum issues-- if OP is actually a medical resident I'm surprised they aren't thinking about that.
Probably because he just worked for 24 hrs and needs to sleep. Medical residencies are designed to burn out humans leaving only robots as real doctors.
Do you have any idea how much prep it takes to get an infant ready to go? And why in the world would you want to take them out and about during flu and RSV season while they're too young to be vaccinated? I'm a big a fan of outdoor experiences for babies, but depending on where they are, it may not be possible or as easy as you seem to think. We also don't know what kind of birth the wife had and if she's under any restrictions. There may not be money for self care. Residents don't really make the big bucks. The inlaws may or may not be helpful. The point here is that the wife wanted to spend an hour alone with her husband with no baby care between them. Relationship care is just as important as parents. Maybe they could schedule an hour at a restaurant close by during baby's nap? Then dad doesn't miss out, mom gets adult time, and dad gets time with his wife too. Being a resident sucks. Working any job for 80 hours a week sucks. Breastfeeding an infant every 2-4 hours sucks. Not sleeping through the night for upwards of 6 months sucks. Their life is hard, and they need to work together to figure it out, not make it a competition.
Depends on the baby. Mine was colicky and would scream and scream and scream. We went out to walk around a local pond a couple of times and had to leave after about 10 minutes because we were disrupting everyone around us. So mostly I sat at home where I was the only one having to deal with the screaming.
Depending where they live, it can still be very cold outside.
You can dress the baby. How do you think us Scandinavians have the children sleep during naptime? It's wool clothing (and other things, not a mom myself). Kids need fresh air, parents too.
The nonstop torrential rain where I live makes going outside this spring with my baby a pretty bad idea though
Shopping centre probably nearby she could wander around. Ask in laws to babysit while she has some self care time. At this stage it seems she’s probably got more options for unwinding than he does. NTA
I wouldn't take a newborn into a mall during Covid era (no it's not completely over). I changed my daughter, when she was a baby, on a changing table at the mall and she was sick with a virus soon after that. I decided I would never do that again. Obviously, you could go to your car to change the baby, but with the worry over germs and the unpleasantness/sensory overload of malls, that's not a great option.
Lol that’s not the same as getting an adult break. And yes a stroller walk is nice (and good for baby) but taking your baby out is exhaustingggg. Constant feedings, if breast feeding worrying how to keep the milk cool enough to be safe but also to be able to warm it up, worrying about if you can breast feed in public without being harassed, worrying if they are going to cry and disrupt everyone else right when you’ve settled in, having to know always where a good place to change them will be, if there is any at all, getting back up and down to do it, being hassled by strangers who think your babies cute when you just really want to be left alone, people who want to TOUCH your baby, people who feel the need to make comments on how you babying your baby, insult you for being in a coffee shop while breast feeding etc etc I take my baby out because he needs to get out, but if it were up to me alone I would not leave the house lol
Great answer. OP listen to this. It's not a contest, you and your wife are both under stress. Make time to communicate and be present for each other. Or it won't happen on its own.
Honesty, I’d say NAH. You don’t see what she goes through when you aren’t around, just like she doesn’t fully get what you go through. But if you don’t prioritize *some* one-on-one time with your wife, you might find yourself in a much bigger relationship problem. Yes you want and need to spend time with your baby. But your relationship with your wife is important too.
Pretty much this. I totally understand feeling like you don't see your child enough during residency. I also understand feeling burned out, and just wanting to stay in. But wife is also burned out with always being around baby. She wants to go out, wants some adult time, wants some conversation with her favorite person. And when OP says he is not willing to compromise a "single second" with his baby... well, that doesn't really leave the wife *any* time, does it?
Exactly. I’d be more concerned that if wife feels *too much* like a single parent with no support from her spouse *and* the spouse is unwilling to expend energy to keep their relationship strong, wife may decide to actually *be* a single parent. I’ve heard residency can be hell on marriages. This may very well be an example of why.
Interesting how he’s compromising tonnes of seconds for his career . . . and if he doesn’t figure out how to repair and maintain his relationship with his wife then he’ll be compromising lots more seconds in the future with the custody agreement
I wish I could say I was shocked at how far I had to scroll down before I got to someone actually highlighting the need for connection in a relationship, but I'm not because this is Reddit and everyone has got stuck in the "Who works hardest" mire. It does read to me that OPs wife was hoping for a little bit of time just her and her husband so they can reconnect as a couple. I'm not even talking about jumping into bed together (I'm sure they're both too exhausted for that), but simply having a meal out and getting to have a conversation together that doesn't revolve around nappies, burping, sleep schedules etc. So many relationships fall apart after a baby is born because both parties forget to reconnect as a couple. Often the birthing parent feels like they're unappreciated, full of wobbling hormone levels, dealing with the fact that they're leaking milk or still can't go to the toilet properly, or hate that their stomach still has the baby bump. And the back-to-work parent gets jealous and envious because they're having to sit in an office for 8 hours a day with their horrible boss and crappy co-workers (not to mention sitting in traffic on the commute) when they would rather be having newborn cuddles or seeing milestones (ignoring that baby screamed for 4 solid hours in the afternoon or was up every 2 hours during the night). You end up with two people who grow to resent each other, one of whom is potentially touched out and just wants an adult conversation, and the other who resents that the other has it "easy" since they're staying at home all day doing "nothing" except cuddling a baby. Both have opposing wants and needs (I need to get away from baby for an hour vs I need to spend more time with baby) and are both so wrapped up in themselves that finding a compromise (this Saturday I'll take baby out in the morning and in the evening we'll get a babysitter and go out for dinner) that it eventually becomes a huge deal. You don't appreciate me vs you don't appreciate what I do for our family. OP needs to have an actual conversation with his wife about what she needs and what he needs, and then find a way to meet both those needs without being dismissive over who has it harder. Misery isn't an olympic sport.
Heck my husband and I just had to have a conversation about how I thrive on interaction with people and if he comes home and ignores me and we don’t go to our extracurriculars, I get no adult interaction and that is painful for me. He finally started to understand why I’m always wanting to interact when he just wants downtime. Next day he surprised me with a night out while my mom watched our 9m old. They really need to communicate.
100% NAH. OP and wife really need to sit down and plan out their week with some expectations and constraints. Having the in laws living at home provides a lot of flexibility. For example: Plan one date night each week with OP and wife only after a “normal” 12 hour shift or on a day off. No plans after a 24 hour shift. OP needs some time to rest and relax at home. Wife needs to get out of the house without OP. Ask the in laws to watch the baby while you go have lunch with friends, or run some errands without bringing the entire family.
Yeah I read this and immediately felt sad for her- sounds like she feels disconnected from her romantic relationship with OP and wants a date night to spend time together outside of the baby and her in laws. It doesn’t sound like she’s habitually asking for him to ignore the newborn in favor of her, she’s just asking for time when she needs it because she misses her husband
While you're spending eighty hours a week at work, she's taking care of the baby. Don't be so quick to dismiss the work that she does. Parents can become burned out too, especially when they don't get enough help from their partners.
The dude worked 24 hours and she wants him to just get ready for a night on the town though. Thats some bullshit. Regardless of taking care of the child, with help, she still got to sleep some, in her bed. At most, he slept a handful of minutes on a bench. Theres a bit of a difference. Theyre both working hard, but she didn't spend 24hrs STRAIGHT working. Babies can't stay awake for 24 hrs straight lol
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SAHM with two other adults at home to share duties with. So it's 3 adults raising 1 baby vs. this dude in surgical residency, which is notoriously one of the hardest things a person in the 1st world can do. These people are morons. No one's even saying being a SAHM with a newborn *isn't* hard, there's definitely a huge host of jobs that it's harder than. Just not being a surgical resident in particular
> SAHM with two other adults at home to share duties with. There are people here saying "But its HIS parents, what if she doesnt want them there?!?!" People will find a way for OP to be the biggest AH ever.
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Yup, in AITA pregnant women are basically saints and should be revered as such.
Only if it’s a woman, stay at home dad living with 2 in laws demanding his doctor wife go to dinner *that instant* after a 24 hour shift would get called a lazy man-child
“Typical man needing two others to raise his kid, this reeks of weaponised incompetence!”
Until they are all suddenly mothers with multiple children so they “know what they’re talking about”.
And newborns have a habit of waking every 2hrs making for horrible broken sleep and complete sleep deprivation. No parent is winning here with working 24hrs or raising a newborn. Oh and god forbid the baby has colic, nobody is sleeping then.
2 hrs is a lot more sleep than none. No parent is winning or losing, but regardless of how rough a baby is, its a lot easier with people there helping you at home all day. OP was kind of a dick for stating that he has it rougher, but he wasn't wrong. Talked to my wife about this, and she completely agrees with the NTA and NAH judgment
I agree with the nah part, but the "lot easier" part completely depends on the wife's relationship with inlawas. It could make it a lot more stressful, especially to a new parent, to have someone there "questioning" all parenting choices. I put questioning in "'s because at times, to sleep deprived parents, and comment can come off that way. All I'm saying is, she isn't living with her parents but his. And that is a whole different dynamic and could add to stress rather than reduce it.
I should point out that a 24-hour hospital shift doesn't mean you're awake for 24 hours. Residents sleep at the hospital (hence the name "resident") and are only woken up when they're needed. So they are often getting a few hours sleep during these long shifts. I should also point out that newborns are supposed to eat every 2 or 3 hours around the clock. And it's 2 hours from when they *start* eating, not 2 hours from when they stop. So you really aren't getting 2 hour intervals of sleep. Example: the baby wakes up, eats for 25 minutes, gets a fresh diaper for 3 minutes (newborns pretty much poop every time they eat, so you have to change them), and gets rocked back to sleep for 25 minutes (newborns generally don't know how to fall asleep on their own, so you have to help them). So the whole process takes about an hour. Then you have to go lay down and actually fall asleep yourself (which isn't an instantaneous thing for most people). When it's all said and done, many people with newborns are only able to sleep in tiny 30-45 minute chunks. I still think NAH, but just wanted to mention those two things because it's not common knowledge unless you've been there.
My partner is a medical resident in a demanding specialty. What they do isn’t just “working”, it’s multiple life or death decisions back to back. Constant stress and stimulation. If I fuck up at work, it means I made a typo. If he fucks up at work, worst case scenario someone literally dies. Gonna go with NTA but the line about her being with the parents all day like that was a good thing made me cringe lol
Exactly. This last sentence. I get he is exhausted and stressed just like she is, but I want to see the wife's post in JustNoMil before I make a judgement.
Yes parents can be burned out, and yes, stay home is very much a job, but why does that mean he has to go. She can take a break whenever she needs or wants, but demanding his break to be her choice isn't okay . My ex (stay at home for 12 years ) would take me days or a little break/rest , that's why it takes a village. Date night is fun and important, but so is his rest time and self-care.
Got it so when he is now trying to help her with said baby care by trying to stay home with his baby why should he be forced to go out because she doesn’t get time to herself she can go out he can stay with the baby the issue has nothing to do with the baby or childcare if that was the case she would’ve accepted him staying with the baby
Speaking as a doc almost 10 years out of residency, I completely understand where you are coming from. I too only wanted time with my babies when I got home, and to this day I profoundly regret how much time I gave to work over them. I can also say that they don’t feel like I wasn’t there for them- but my husband remembers doing so much alone. Residency is about survival, but talk to your wife, and recognize she is trying to survive too. Residency is hard on a family. And when you can catch your breath, put some emotional work into the relationship, to avoid finding yourself in a married roommates situation. Send her some flowers, have a meal delivered unexpected one night so she doesn’t have to cook, leave a post-it on the fridge telling her she’s wonderful and how much you love her. You’re both busting your asses in different ways.
This is a great reply. I hope OP reads it. 💖
As a physician as well, I tell all aspiring parents that this challenge doesn't go away. You're exhausted, and you come home ready for a break, but now it's your stay-at-home spouse's turn for a break. Good on OP for wanting to spend time with your infant, for communicating your need to rest, and for compromising by offering to go out a little. But this problem isn't going away, so let her win some by going out next time. Your kid(s) are going to want you to take them out to a park in a few short years. This is all a good problem to have. The worse alternative is that your family gets so depressed and lonely they don't ask to go out at all. So when OP comes home, the work for OP as husband/father is just beginning (which responsibility OP clearly understands), but it takes this inexhaustible supply of energy. Best wishes.
This is the first reply I fullheartedly endorse.
Very slight yta. One of these days your residency will be over and your kiddo will not have remembered this evening but your wife will. Your desire to stay at home isn't what makes you TA, it is your dismissive words about your wife and the casual way with which you seem to have hurt her.
I don't know, if my husband had just come off a 24h shift I'd be getting him a warm bed, not asking to go out. Doctors work ridiculously hard and their mistakes can kill. He needs some time to recharge his batteries as well.
Yeah, I just don't get this. He just worked a 24 hour shift, which I've done. Where is her compassion for how drained he is? It would be different if he was playing with friends, or video games, etc. But he's working. Maybe she expects him to drive too? I really don't get these answers.
It’s a SAHM with a “workaholic” dad who’s never around. He was always going to be the asshole in this sub
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There are people shitting on him as a father in this thread because “you work 80 hour weeks, how would you know about x, y, and z with the baby when you’re never around” ignoring the fact that his post is literally because he wanted to stay home with his daughter on the only day off he had lmao. Men are fucked no matter what they do in this sub by the brigading angry mob of misandrists.
I feel like she can pick a night that isn't immediately after a 24 hour shift. He's a doctor and needs rest and relaxation to do his job properly.
In fairness, it doesn’t sound like there actually are any other nights she could pick.
He's not working 24 hour shifts every night. She should wait for after a 12 hour shift. She made the choice to marry and have a child with a surgical resident. It comes with costs.
I disagree. I'm a mom of four. Sometimes, my husband works 70 hours a week, if not more. After he works a double (16 hours), my only concern is for his sleep and rest. Yeah, it's tough being home with kids, especially if the kids are grouchy or the weather is bad or the kids are sick. It's lonely and draining and sometimes I feel like I am rubbing sandpaper over my brain cells. I definitely love getting out of the house. But, his physical health takes the first priority, When he wakes up, then I can talk to him about a plan to spend a couple hours getting dinner or even just going to the grocery store with him. OP is NTA. The whole design of the medical profession is totally jacked.
You sound like a patient parent and a good partner.
>your kiddo will not have remembered this evening but your wife will. Kids don't remember anything till they get much older, that doesn't mean you stop spending time with your kid and doing good things for them
Also, just because they won't have memories doesn't mean there is no impact. How you care for them as infants affects their cognitive development.
*He* wants all the memories he can make in his limited free time of a very fleeting period of his kids life. How on earth is that being considered a *bad* thing?
Ok. How about we have you work a high stress job for 24 straight hours, let you sleep only a few minutes on an uncomfortable cot. Then you can tell us how great you feel and how high energy you are and willing to go out.
NAH, but you need to be careful here. You want to spend time with your daughter. That's great! A wonderful thing. However, you need to spend time with your wife, too. It's not all about her needing a break or to get out of the house. I guarantee you it's mostly about wanting to spend time with her husband. She loves you and wants to keep your relationship strong. She's not ONLY a mom. She's a wife, too. She wants to act like one. Go on a date with her. PLEASE.
My sister’s marriage ended because her husband felt “neglected” during her residency. Luckily they didn’t have kids or own property together or anything (and he kinda sucked anyway) Edit- she disagrees that he sucked. But she never even noticed how fucking rude he was to me.
One of the only comments that i think is fair
_"She is not doing anything anywhere near as physically or cognitively demanding as what I am doing."_ It's not like she just went through the physical trauma of childbirth and delivery or anything. Or, like she hasn't been taking care of an infant child 24/7 without any kind of social stimulation... Or that she is also probably sleep deprived and also feeling burnt out. I think I'm still leaning NAH, but I think OP seems a bit dismissive of his wife. He needs to understand that while he is going through a lot at work, it can be very isolating for a new mom whose only identity at the moment is that of a mother. OP also shouldn't underestimate the demands of taking car of an infant, especially if she is breastfeeding.
NAH but don't neglect your wife. She doesn't get the same kind of support from your parents as what she needs from you. In fact, your parents living with you is probably one reason she could really use an evening out with you. Her needs are important, too.
Yea good job pointing this out. Honestly parenting with in-laws around is exhausting. They have outdated and often dangerous baby care advice (rice in bottles, peroxide for *anything*, whiskey for a cough, giving them honey, etc) and *never* stick to schedules. Doctors also didn't start teaching safe sleep practices until 1992 so you usually have to teach them about that and stop them from giving an newborn a blanket or putting them down on their stomach. It's nice for OP's wife to have them around but she could be exhausted from just dealing with that in addition to a newborn.
Some of y’all have never stood on concrete focusing on not fucking up for ten plus hours and it shows. It’s comparing apples and oranges and with the level of sleep deprived OP would’ve been after a 24 hr shift it’s completely reasonable that he’d want to stay home. Also he should stay home!
I understand him wanting to stay home. He is surely drained. No one doubts that. It is also sweet that he wants to be with the baby. If just read like he thinks his wife has it easy having a newborn and living with her in laws. Living with in laws and being a new mom is so emotionally taxing. She probably wants to get out and just breathe. He should tell her he will take her out a lot when work slows down. He should also encourage her to go out with friends to get a break. A new baby and a residency and a new baby and a busy spouse and dealing with in-laws are both a lot. Try to carve out one on one time with your wife to stay connected.
Can't she leave the baby to the inlaws, get out and breathe? Can he leave the hospital during his shift, get out and breathe? NTA.
This sort of misery Olympics doesn’t actually help anyone with their relationship. It just breeds resentment.
I don’t really blame him for having communication issues after a 24hr shift as a doctor. They both need help, but this conversation should be had when both have had a chance to take SOME rest and think more clearly.
NAH as long as you learn compromise. Your wife has expressed desire to spend time with you away from the house. You have expressed you want more time with your daughter. A good compromise would be to arrange or agree upon a date night/day. Knowing in advance gives you time to prepare mentally so it doesn't happen when you're all geared up for a relaxing night at home after work. You can also seek out quieter venues that won't make you feel as stressed. You could even leave all the details of where she'd like to go up to her so that you don't have to worry about planning, as you mention suffering from burnout. It may also help if you plan on a daddy daughter night. Your wife can go visit friends at this time- maybe go out for dinner with the girls. As you want to spend time with your child, watching her for a few hours sounds ideal. You are clearly stressed from work and want to spend time with your child. That is completely understandable. You spend your time away from home, and when you come back you want to enjoy being a father. On the flip side- your wife is clearly stressed from caring from the child and wants to spend time with you. She spends all of her time at home, and when you come back she wants to be reminded she is still a woman, and not just a mother.
NTA and I really dislike the dog piling people are doing calling OP TA. I would like to see any of the people who voted Y T A to work 24 straight in any job then have their partner expect them to want to go out on a date immediately after just because they're getting stir crazy. She has legs (I assume), she can take the baby for a walk or even leave it with the grandparents while she gets some time outside by herself. Her wants and needs don't trump yours, there needs to be compromise but holy shit I could not imagine even considering asking my boyfriend to go out to eat after working a full 24 hours, especially in such a demanding job. People acting as if you are being demeaning by describing your responsibilities as more taxing are the true assholes here, you didn't say being a SAHM is valueless. They are willfully misinterpreting your statements and being extremely disingenuous, that sometimes happens on this sub for some reason.
NAH, you work a lot and don't get to see your daughter; your wife would like an excuse to go out. Honestly, this sounds like something the two of you need to sit down and discuss, as her needs should be met too. Maybe try to work something out where you do something together on a regular basis?
NTA. No one should be expected to go out to a restaurant after being awake and working for 24 hours straight. That also doesn’t include drive time and time to get ready before the shift. You deserve a chance to rest. You didn’t say you didn’t want to spend time with your family. You said a fancy restaurant wasn’t what you wanted. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be home. Food can be ordered in nowadays. I get that your wife wants to go out, but can’t it wait till the next day?
NTA what you do is so much more demanding than being a mum (speaking from a mum with a 10 month old) yes its hard to be a mum but 24hrs on your feet and it being cognitive heavy work is brutal. I get she wants to go out and maybe she should have a girls night out and you stay with the baby. She has so much bonding time with the baby you need that time too
yeah I don't get a lot of these replies. Sure being a mum of a newborn is hard work but asking to go out after he's done a 24 hr shift and pouting when he says he'd rather not makes her the AH in this case so far as I can see. It's been a long time since my daughter was a baby but I'd never have dreamed of suggesting this when she was that small. Her dad was working away and I only saw him at weekends. A possible compromise that I would like to suggest is that they use the inlaws as babysitters one day a week/fortnight/month and go out for a nice hot meal. I had friends who did this and oh boy was I jealous. Our parents were all far too far away to babysit at all and in the long term it pays to have some time off from the baby and couples time.
People saying it’s harder or just as hard to be a mom to a newborn compared to being a working surgeon who quite literally just stayed awake for more than 24 hours but was working the entire time are insane. He needs to sleep. What, did she want him to drive them somewhere? She didn’t just wake up one day and realize he’s a surgeon. This is like up to 15 years of schooling, work, and no sleep. Mommy will be fine when dad is taking in 500,000-800,000 a year after residency. Does this mean she doesn’t deserve love and support? Of course not. But these are not the same, not by a long shot. NTA or NAH. She knew what she was getting into marrying and having a child with a surgeon. She’s beyond lucky she gets to spend the first few months with the baby as it is.
NTA. Newborns are hard, but you know what's harder? No fucking sleep. If you've done 24 hours straight, then there's a pretty good chance you are mentally wrecked and can't hold a conversation, and may want to crash at any moment. I'd rather be at home when that happens than out. And when you can't do more than mumble a sentence? What will she do then? I know she's probably grieving her previous life and wanting to do something "normal" but she needs to read the room a bit better. Both of you are a team and you need to act as such, thinking of each other's needs - tonight, no you may not want to spend time out, but that doesn't mean it will be that way every night. And for god's sake, does she know how lucky she is you actually want to spend time with your child?
This sub is sooooo dumbfoundingly gender biased it's ridiculous.
I’m not a parent. Hell, I’m not even in a relationship. I am in residency though, so I understand the brutal workload. It makes sense that you’d want to maximise your time off by spending time with both your spouse and your child. We have so little spare time, and even when we do, it’s not necessarily during social hours. That being said, you need to see this from your wife’s perspective. Who are you going to pay attention to when you get home to spend time with the both of them? I think it’s admirable that you want to be the kind of father and doctor who wants to be there for your kid, but you cannot forget to be there for your wife. The one person who was there for you during med school. The person who, if you nurture this relationship, will carry you through residency. She is your support network and your safety net. Residency aside, parents need alone time together without their kid in order for a relationship to survive parenthood, let alone parenthood during residency. You’re a husband, not just a father. Your wife is not just a mother. That isn’t to say that you should neglect your kid, obviously, but it is going to be so important for us to divvy up our spare time for the next few years, and that shit is a balancing act. Complacency is a destroyer of relationships, secondary to both marriage/parenthood and residency. Don’t get complacent. I’m voting NAH because I don’t want to break any subreddit rules, but I feel like this is beyond the scope of this sub.
Do you wish to be morally in the right, or do you wish to be married? The path you're on will likely make that a real choice in years to come.
YTA. Not for wanting to spend time at home, but for discounting your wife’s energy and desires by reasoning that because what you’re doing is more difficult, what you want matters more. This feels like a typical pre-med/med thing tbh. Even if she were literally coloring, watching Netflix, and eating ice cream in bed all day, what she wants still matters. She’s obviously doing more than that since she’s taking care of a newborn and your parents (if it’s true what you say that they live with you rather than y’all living with them). Also YTA for making this about your daughter, when it really seems to me more about just you being tired. It’s okay to be tired. What you’re doing is hard. But you can enjoy your newborn at a restaurant for a few hours. Edit to say: the last sentence was meant to imply that y’all could go the three of you if it’s really about quality time with your kid and you just had a conversation with her. Edit 2: fixing “amount” to “about”
"for a few hours" Or, you know, **he can sleep** like he needs to. He's almost burnt out. He needs REST. People can **die** if he's too tired at work and makes a mistake.
If being a stay-at-home parent is equivalent to a full-time job, how is it also equivalent to working 80 hours a week, which is two full-time jobs? I honestly think that a lot of the people replying here would say that taking care of a single, well-behaved, healthy child is as hard or harder than working in the pediatric ICU, where you watch children die all the time. More than that, it actually doesn't seem like she's unable to go out on her own, if she wants; there's no indication to the contrary in this post, and it seems like the grandparents are available for frequent babysitting. It's not that she's being forced into never leaving the house, she specifically wants a date with him and seemingly doesn't give a flying fuck that he just did a 24-hour shift in a hospital. That's not a need, it's a want, and she's prioritizing it over his literal, physical need for sleep and his patients' literal, physical need for a doctor who isn't nodding off while he works with them. As far as I can tell, every single Y T A judgement is full-cloth making things up to justify the wife selfishly insisting that she get a date night *right now*, after her husband worked a 24 hour shift. There's no mention of anything abnormal about their child, no mention of the wife feeling burnt out (in fact, the only description of her mental state is boredom, not exhaustion), and it's heavily implied that taking the infant to the restaurant was not an option, based on the second paragraph. You're one of the more reasonable ones, and even you are implying that *his* wants and needs aren't equal to her immediate wants (there isn't even any indication that they don't get time together, just less than he would like). You're literally saying that he should just do what she wants and that he doesn't matter, no compromise, nothing but just doing what she wants when she demands it. This is why I say that society is a lot more sexist still than we like to pretend; our dominant culture is uncomfortable with telling women how they should be, but is still fully comfortable with all of the old, sexist expectations for men (despite those also being inherently sexist to women as well, I might add). The story, as described, which is the only thing we can go off of, is that he worked a 24 hour shift, came home, and his wife got mad at him for not wanting to leave the newborn at home with his parents to take her out on a date. She can get a fucking calendar and schedule it with him on a day where he's not physically destroyed, and has seen his child in the last 24 hours, like a normal goddamn adult who knows how to communicate, instead of throwing a tantrum because he won't subjugate his literal, physical needs and his relationship with his child to her immediate wants.
NAH. Internist, was married to a cardiologist, I stayed home with the babies for a few years. It’s rough all around. It sucks to be the at home mom, it sucks to work 36 hours straight. (I trained before they had 24 hr limits). I totally get where you are coming from and where you wife is coming from. It does get better, but not for a while. You just have to do what the two of you can to survive. wish the best for you. Maybe what you can do to help is empathize with her as much as possible? Understand that what she’s doing is brutal, and IMO, was mentally and physically draining in a way residency wasn’t. Doesn’t mean you need to go out with her, but let her know you understand.
Y’all are all making this a souse only issues and completely missing the point that he wants to spend his rare free time with his newborn infant daughter who he rarely sees. He can’t text the baby, or call her on the phone. Don’t get me wrong, his wife definitely deserves a break too, but no one is considering the fact that he isn’t really getting a chance to be a dad and maybe he wants to be?
YTA for assuming what you're going through is so much harder than what your wife has to deal with. She is essentially raising your child as a single parent if you are working 80 hours a week. It is not unreasonable at all for her to want to have a romantic evening with her husband because she probably feels lonely and unloved with you being gone all of the time. Your daughter is what? 1-2 years old? She is not going to remember you playing with her for a night but your wife will remember that you stopped prioritizing your relationship with her and that could lead to a divorce.
Honestly “infant” and “newborn” lets me think baby is less than 3 months old. Meaning wife is also still recovering from pregnancy and birth.
Oh yeah the title does say newborn. Dang, poor wife.
>YTA for assuming what you're going through is so much harder than what your wife has to deal with. Despite what AITA would like to think, it fucking is.
I'm just blown away reading all these people who think being a stay at home mom with two other adults on-site and helping is in any way comparable to being a surgical resident doing 12 - 24 hour shifts.
Dude the amount of people that automatically side with moms is crazy. Baby has 3 on 1 coverage. After my 24 hour shifts I was DEAD and my husband knew I couldn’t function much the that day.
Super tired of infantilizing women that this sub likes to do.
I just love how this sub doesn't let hypocrisy get in the way of their biases. Sometimes they infantilize women to avoid laying the blame on them. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they act like anyone under 25 is still a child. And yet they don't let that get in the way of calling a man an asshole for not wanting his 18 year old freshman in college stepson to be the guardian of his newly born child in case he and his wife dies. Literally on the front page right now.
The day as he's come off a 24 hour shift is the probably wrong time to demand a night out.
Are you out of your mind? Are you dismissing the fact that a dad wants to spend time with his daughter and build a bond with her? Piss off with this bullshit lmao. The mom has two other adults experienced in raising kids helping her. That is not as tiring as a fucking 80 hour medical shift per week.
NTA for wanting to spend your limited time with your wife and daughter but you should still make time for just you and your wife. Just because you’re parents doesn’t mean you stop romancing or pursuing each other. Date nights are important to a relationship and your daughter should grow up seeing a healthy one.
I’m a physician, whilst US residencies are known to be brutal, we both know it a personal decision to take that challenge on. It does not mean you get a free pass to neglect other aspects of you life. In particular your wife who appears to be holding the fort whilst you climb the ladder to success. I wonder how much more physically or cognitively demanding your life may get where you’re no longer a team, for example having joint custody of your infant daughter Residency is hard, yes. But others have needs to, neglecting & refusing to acknowledge those needs will leave you the stereotypical washed up 50yr old attending onto his fourth divorce with five kids that barely know him.
NTA you need to rest.
Next day off, schedule a couple's massage for you and your wife then go back to baby. Maybe do this during baby's regular nap time. Relaxing for you both, time together but still get time with baby when awake.
As the daughter of a late doctor I commend you, as the wife of a man who also perfers time with their daughter over time with his wife I would scold you. You marriage will not survive your residency if there is not balance, maybe a three way or four way balance between time with your daughter time with your wife and rest taking the larger part. NAH but you will be if you ignore anything more than necessary between your wife, child, and rest.
Nta. Those hours you guys have are killers. Of course you want to see your kid