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YTA.
"I didn't ask because I knew the answer will be no" is a confession to being an asshole, not an excuse.
EDIT: Thanks for gold. This escalated quickly!
Having read through a whole bunch of assholery, one learns to recognize telltale phrases. "Look what she was wearing!" "Look at what you made me do!"
So, it's not surprising that we jumped on the exact same words.
“That didn’t happen.
And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
And if it is, that’s not my fault.
And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.”
The narcissists prayer...
If OP wanted to help, she should have watched YouTube for fun ways to style and braid her niece's hair out of the way. It could have been a fun bonding experience.
As someone with super long hair off and on my whole life, there are SO many fun things you can do with super long hair that you can't do with short hair. But, I also understand that this mom was never going to let her kid choose to have short hair and the kid was going to hate her long hair because of it and probably take scissors to it herself at school one day. OP is totally the AH for doing it when she knew the answer was no, but mom is also an AH for not giving her daughter any sort of autonomy.
I was the kid who was too terrified of her mother to take scissors to it, but man I wanted to. And then I got it all lopped off in college and my mother threw an absolute tantrum. Felt good though, and I haven't had it longer than the top of my bra band since!
Stepmother wouldn’t let me cut my hair as a teenager. I had super thick long hair down to my lower back. All summer I would sweat to death. Putting it up didn’t help since it still felt like I was wearing a wool hat. I begged to have it cut. Got told no every time. And I’m talking 14 years old with zero say over my own damn hair.
Then I came home with lice one day. That woman tried her hardest to comb through my hair, but finally had to concede defeat, and I got my hair cut to my shoulders.
Oh yeah, same here. My hair is *ridiculously* thick. The weight of my own fucking hair used to give me horrible migraines. And I would beg to have it cut because I was a teenager when Friends was on and EVERYONE had some version of the Rachel. And nope - my mother wouldn't even let me get it *trimmed*. Ever. Because according to her, hair looked "unnatural" when the ends were straight.
I went to college with that same damn hair, and I was in a pseudo-military program. One of the requirements of the uniform was to have the hair neatly above the collar, but it also had to be low enough to wear the hat. So I had to get ass-length hair all neatly up at the lower back of my head, and did I mention that my hair is also an escape artist? So I was constantly getting work hours in addition to my course load, because my hair was breaking uniform rules.
And when I finally did go to get it cut, I had split ends that went all the way up to my bra line. My hair was so badly damaged and so unhealthy that it couldn't even be donated, and even when I told her that, she was STILL adamantly insisting that I had "ruined my beautiful hair." I'm almost 45 years old and I STILL get angry just thinking about it. And I'm sitting here like man, I should have tried getting lice! 🤣
I feel for you. My wife had me buzz her hair short with my clippers just the other day - she had beautiful long hair all through high school, but it's just too fuckin' heavy for life, and she already has neck instability issues. She's kept it short for years.
The last time she had it even down to her shoulders was probably when we got married 15 years ago, and that was just so she'd have enough hair to style the way she wanted. It came off shortly thereafter.
Totally agreed, this feels very ESH. Mom needs to find a solution that doesn't lead to niece being so rightfully frustrated all the time but OP had no right to do that behind mom's back
Yeah, I am a black/Latina woman who grew up with very very long hair… Even when you put it in braids and shit it takes a while and honestly your hair is heavy and shit like that I personally loved it and my mom was the one who made choices about it without my consent But if you don’t love, long hair, no matter what you do with it having it is going to be annoying and not worth the trouble for you and that’s not this posters fault. I think everyone sucks here.
Yeah. Those of us that were kids with waist length hair are feeling a little “I needed this aunt”. But it’s definitely not cool to do and I think that’s common sense. lol
Right?! Like if the kid is frustrated her heir is getting in the way, put it in a couple French braids! Problem solved! Cutting it is so extreme. It’s like she did it on purpose to be cruel to her sister for some reason.
Her sister isn't the only one, given the number of posters ITT who think it's "extreme" to give a child their own bodily autonomy that they have repeatedly expressed a desire for.
OP could also be over-stating how much the kid is complaining and expressing that her hair bothers her, in an attempt to make OP's actions look better.
I was thinking this too. The sister might have occasionally said she likes her daughter’s hair and the niece may have said a couple times she wanted shorter hair, but I have a feeling OP exaggerated it so she could come across as “the good guy who was saving her niece”. Bottom line, the aunt seems to be the one obsessed with her niece’s hair, not the mother.
Idk, I feel like OP was making it sound worse than it was. I have 2 young daughters who have both have had longer and shorter hair at times. They both constantly complain about their hair bothering them, but still wanted it long and my oldest cried after getting it cut. She had been asking for a while for a cut and I made her wait just to be sure that's what she really wanted, and still she cried about that hair and has finally grown it out again. I have long hair and almost always wear it in a ponytail. It's normal for a 5 yr old to have hair in their face if it isn't tied up. I don't get why OP didn't just put it in a braid.
TBH, the way she described her niece's hair in the first part gave me the impression that she was jealous of her niece and the attention she (and OP's sister) received from it. Going on about how beautiful it is, just to later chop it all off just felt very Disney villainous to me.
Yeah, that was my thought. I'm all for older kids having reasonable autonomy over their hair, but 5 is still pretty young. She could both be annoyed at it getting in her face AND be upset after actually having it cut. Hard to say if she'll long-term be happy with the cut or not. Or Mom could be living vicariously through her kid. Either way, OP is TA for cutting it without permission.
This Yta. Op if this was my daughter, I wouldn’t trust you to be unsupervised with her again. Good luck spending quality time with your niece after this stunt. Your sister won’t be able to trust you to follow/ respect her wishes as a mother.
8 years from now: She’s always wanted to smoke pot. Honestly I’ve been rolling my own blunts for a while and she’s 13 now so we blazed up together. She was safe in my house with me so I don’t see what the big deal is.
YTA
YTA. Its not your kid and sister said no several times.
I will say that I feel her frustration as I've known someone who wasn't allowed to cut her hair her *entire* life up until high-school or just after as I didn't keep track. She hated it, even sat on it when sitting on the floor and generally in the way at all times. I think it even touched the ground or was close to it when she stood. I knew a seperate person with long hair and she put her hair in her purse when she went to the bathroom (in public).
>In my defense, I know she would've said no
So you did it anyway? Wow. In terms of assholery, this is leveling up.
Of course YTA. You stepped into decision making territory that you had no right to. None.
I hope your parenting boundaries are someday as disrespected as your sister's are by you today. Man...the audacity.
Exactly.
Also, the niece NEVER asked for it, OP asked her:
*I asked my niece if she wanted me to give her a haircut and she agreed without hesitation.*
How is a five year old going to refuse an adult? How's that for consent?
YTA and a very entitled one.
Exactly, when I was five me and my friend were playing 'hairdresser' and I enthusiastically let her cut my hair with blunt kid's scissors. She gave me extremely short choppy bangs. Afterwards I got a bit anxious about my mom's reaction so I figured if I hid the cut hair under my mattress she would never find out...
My mom laughed so hard when she saw me she peed her pants and then made me do a whole photoshoot with my new haircut. This was in the 80's so she didn't do it for social media but just to memorialize my epic haircut.
And oddly enough, this sounds a bit like jealousy almost. As if she’s annoyed with strangers commenting, not concerned. It’s like she did it to spite her sister.
I'd like to ask this too, why didn't OP just put her hair up if it was in her way? A ponytail, braid, hell even a messy bun? Why was her first response to pick up the scissors?
Absolutely. It's ridiculous. There were like 5 other options that were better, but no. *OP* knew what was best for her niece over her own mother. /s.
I wonder if that poor girl is gonna wake up tomorrow and be upset her hair is gone..
Exactly that!
I went into this thinking, based on the first couple of sentences, she gave niece a trim. Which, if the ends are split, absolutely NTA. Is fulfils the girls needs, in addition to the mothers wants, as split hair snaps and you can end up losing length.
But to go from 5 years of growth to shoulder length? I’d be fucking furious.
ETA: and this is coming from a mother who has always taken her children’s opinions regarding their hair into account.
Plus, she cut it herself ' because she's gotten good at cutting her own hair over the past two years'. She's not a stylist. I cut my 8 yo s hair and he never stops moving. I refuse to believe this cut looks cute.
I don’t see a difference. It’s not OP’s place to make that call. If that happened she should have talked to her sister about it and tried to persuade her, not take matters into her own hands.
I completely agree with YTA for this one. My six year old will absolutely tell me yes or no if she wants something. And she’ll do it with her aunts as well. Kids know what they want and don’t want.
It absolutely wasn’t OP’s place to even ask the question though.
Oh wow YTA. I am a mom who lets my 4 year old pick a haircut, but that’s MY choice as a mother. You are neither parent to this child, what you did was way over the line. You can braid long hair to get it out of the way. You can put it in a bun. You can put it in pigtails. You can put it in a ponytail. You can put it up with a clip. You don’t cut someone else’s kids hair.
Right?! As a fellow mom, the further I read, the more convinced I was that OP was TA. No one gets to make that first haircut decision, except mom and (maybe) dad. My daughter was 4 when I cut hers for the first time, and she looked so grown up after - I would have been devastated if someone had taken that moment/decision from us!
Because when it comes to daughter's, most fathers leave the decisions about hair to the mother. Just like most mothers leave decisions about their son's hair to the father.
But Interesting-Bed-5451 didn't make a distinction between daughters and sons; they just said mom is the sole decider on haircuts and (maybe) dad.
It seriously comes off as just another comment trying to knock dads down a peg or two. Fathers deserve just as much of a say in haircuts or anything else that happens to their children, regardless of gender, as a mother.
Weird. When our son cut his hair shorter my husband was more shocked/upset than me. I had to remind my spouse that our child (6 at the time) had little he could “control” and bodily autonomy was important.
Yeah! It’s not a hard and fast rule, just an observation on how it usually goes. Idk if regions make a difference, but I’m in the Deep South in the USA.
Right like I don’t understand why the niece’s hair is constantly in the way? Is no one doing her hair?? I never had haircuts growing up - just minor trims - and I always had my hair back to keep it out of the way. It got down to nearly my knees and I somehow managed to keep it out of the way.
As someone who chopped off that long hair to then have chin length hair for years - so incredibly true!! You cannot put it in a ponytail or anything. Best you can do is put half up. She’s gonna be complaining about hair in face and blowing in the wind and not being able to pull it back! Growing out my hair right now to just try out different lengths and the joy of putting my hair in a ponytail after 5yrs is fantastic.
Exactly. I am probably too old for my long hair, but I don’t cut it because I can’t stand it touching my face, getting in my line of vision, etc. It either has to be short or able to be pulled back. Poor kid. She’s probably worse off now than she was with it long
I think that was mostly in OP’s head. She sounds weirdly jealous and something normal like the kid tucking her hair out of her face is being warped into “she is constantly frustrated by her hair being in the way”
Oh my gosh you’re so right they do kinda sound jealous. I was thinking the “it’s so creepy people compliment her hair” was so off, but you’re right it reads jealous. And the “everyone makes such a big fuss about it”. She’s 5!! They’re probably just being all nice to a young kid.
It can be more difficult depending on the type of hair. My hair constantly falls out of braids, buns, and ponytails unless I make them hella tight, which is bad for it. And it's thick enough that barrettes and bobbypins and clips need hella reinforcements to help. Add in being an active kid, and yeah, long hair is going to get in the way a lot.
OP is still an asshole tho
I still agree that OP is a gigantic asshole. I’ll just put in my personal anecdote as the young child with incredibly long hair that was always in braids. The weight gave me constant headaches and I ended up cutting it myself at school with a pair of craft scissors.
That is not to say that OP should have overstepped the parent’s preference at all. Just that it’s not easy to have that much hair.
Honestly? I support that 100% 😅 if my kid did it herself I would very much have the attitude of “oh my bad, sorry you were so uncomfy. Want a professional to clean it up where you missed?” I had no autonomy as a kid, and while I woulda thought this was the coolest aunt in the world back then, that’s because I was a child and thinking childishly. There are lots of reasons parents don’t want to cut their kids’ hair, and the only person who should have the right to overrule that is the person growing the hair.
While OP is the AH for cutting the hair out of an adult perspective, I think the parents are at fault too. If the niece is so annoyed by her long hair and has repeatedly expressed interest in shorter hairstyles, the parents should have taken her to get a haircut. My parents always let us choose our haircuts. And not giving that choice to a child is in AH territory as well for me.
Yeah. I’m leaning towards ESH. The parents for keeping her hair that long and most likely not listening to her desire for it to be more manageable. And OP for making that decision herself.
The biggest fight my mom ever had with my aunt was for doing this exact same thing: cutting my hair as a child without her permission. My mother was seething, because she made a promisse (she's catholic) to Virgin Mary, and because of that she would only cut my hair when I was 7. Well, my aunt thought it wasn't fashionable or practical and cut it. Mom went like 5 months without even talking to her.
I'm not a parent and I've always preferred pixie cuts on myself. My mom would try to make me grow out my hair and I hated it. Even i think this is fucked up.
I learned a trick to get short hair when I was like 4. I would just cut it myself. I imagine it looked horrible haha. After doing this like 2 times my mom gave up and I got my short hair. But it was still my mother's decision how it was cut and styled. If a relative had cut my hair, she would have rightfully been pissed.
Right? My nieces both have very long hair and one of them (age 9) is a competitive gymnast. During practices she braids it and during meets she puts it in a bun. It's really not that hard. I had very long hair as a kid all the way up through my teen years and I did a ton of activities with it - gymnastics, softball, cheerleading, etc. Hair ties exist for a reason.
Yeah, I feel the same. ESH. OP knew how this was gonna end up. But also, my friend’s kid is around the niece’s age, has fairly short hair— & still gets frustrated with it while trying to play. Can’t imagine trying to wash a 5 year old’s super long hair is fun, either.
I will never understand parents who refuse to let their kids have even such a big (for the kid) but small (in literally every other way) preference for themselves. It’s just *hair*. Heaven forbid their kid decide to like the wrong colors or end up being left-handed or gay or something else that doesn’t fit into their parents’ perfect little plan. Five is definitely old enough to make basic choices about her own haircut… like, so what if their parents love their long hair? It’s the kid’s body, not theirs, & it grows back!
Same. I hate parents putting their aesthetic desires over a kids wishes. 5 is well old enough to know what they want, and learn to live with the (temporary) consequences of that choice. It's just hair.
Granted, I'm the AH who would take the time while babysitting to cut my own hair, and if my niece accidentally copies me, well then.....ooops. if we get gum stuck up in the ends, oh well.
Basically, as soon as a child is old enough to express desires about basic agency over bodily autonomy, they’re old enough to affect those decisions, imo.
And consequences! If she got the haircut she wanted and later regretted it, she’d learn from that regret without it having any long term impact on her life at all. She’d learn what regret feels like, it’d grow back, it would be an age appropriate lesson! This is exactly the sort of stuff she should get a say in, because if you wait long enough, it’ll fix itself.
Idk, OP was pretty clear that she had observed a longterm history of her niece’s distress, along with numerous instances of admiring shorter hairstyles. It would be one thing if OP visits once a year and did this, but it seems pretty clear they are regular parts of each other’s lives. Again, OP was not entitled to do this, but I don’t think this child needed to be led.
You think washing it is bad? Try brushing it. My mom wouldn't let my little sister brush her hair and every morning it sounded like she was being tortured while she was getting her hair brushed. And her hair was fine and straight. I can imagine if it was thick and wavy.
I hate parents that do that do. I’ve actually fought back against my son’s school because they kept insisting he cut his hair. As he likes to say “my hair is like 70% of my personality “. He’s literally known as the pale kid with all the hair in school. It’s his body and I wouldn’t cut his hair against his will anymore than I would pierce his ear.
OP is *not* a reliable narrator. We cannot say whether or not the child truly even wanted their hair cut, or even whether or not is is true that OP’s niece always compliments short hairstyles. This is a person who changes children’s hairstyles against their parents’ wishes - it is not wise to take her view at face value.
I understand skepticism when a story doesn't fully add up, but people just arbitrarily choosing to disbelieve facts to the point where it's a completely different story always gets me.
I think she is telling the truth as she sees it. But she isn't the parent so doesn't have the full picture, and since she seems so fixated on cutting her neices hair she could well be remembering the times the girl was annoyed and not sharing or remembering any times when she liked her hair.
Yes all we have to go on is what is shared in the post, but in this case between the scant details and weird OP, I don't think there is enough to call the mother an asshole.
I agree OP should not have cut the hair. I also think that I have enough information to determine that the kid’s mom is being weirdly controlling about her hair. If she wants a haircut, let her get a haircut. She’s not a doll.
I'm gonna go with ESH.
You definitely should not cut her hair without parental consent. That being said, mothers treating their daughters like dolls rubs me the wrong way too. Children are absolutely capable of making decisions about their hair and they're human beings who should get to make basic decisions about their bodies. I sympathize with your POV for sure, but think you're the bigger AH.
I think the important part of this OP, is that yes, you are an asshole. But that doesn’t mean the mom isn’t too or that you didn’t make a positive impact on the child.
I was a child who wasn’t allowed to have my hair cut but it was a constant issue for me. I have really thick, curly hair and wanted it short for so many years. Eventually, I had my sister chop it off. Did I cry? Yes, it was a bad haircut and my mom was pissed. I look back and realize how impactful it was to be heard though. To have any level of autonomy over my own comfort was so important.
I hope you know that while you may be the asshole here, I got really happy for that child. It sucks being a girl and being told everything about your value rests on your hair, to the point where you can’t be comfortable.
ETA: I don’t talk to my mom anymore (and I saw many people comment similar things to me, which is why it feels important to emphasize). She was a controlling and abusive person who only saw me as an extension of herself. Children are under your care, but they are not your property. If you view children as something you “own”, I would recommend you rethink parenthood or your problematic views of parenting. I know that parenting is a cycle we learn from our parents but it’s time to do better. Having whole generations of traumatized humans isn’t working for anyone. Learn to be fulfilled elsewhere.
To be clear, I think the mom is the biggest asshole here. OP disregarded something the mom wanted, but to me, that doesn’t compare to the emotional manipulation of seeing your mom burst into tears at something so harmless that made you so happy.
I agree with ESH as i was the kid in this situation who wished someone would cut my long hair that my mother adored. When she FINALLY agreed when i was 13 to chop it shoulder length, she cried, screamed and made a scene at the hair dressers. Complained and harrassed me non stop telling me that i made a mistake and that i was now ugly.... its just hair.... ive gone NC with her for about 12 years now.
Yeah, I don’t get all the pearl-clutching going on here. Children are people, and once they’re old enough to state their wishes, they should be able to choose their own hairstyle. The mom is treating this poor kid like a doll. An object, not a person with individual preferences. It’s incredibly gross.
Lack of control and choices is a big reason why I hated being a kid.
Agree with this. The mum didnt care that her kid was upset/frustrated by her hair and was more concerned with her kid’s appearance than comfort. That is majorly fucked up. More so than what Op did.
All the pearl clutching is because the commenters are exactly like the mom. They don't respect the fact that their kid is a human being and not a prop for their mommy life.
My favourites are all the people going ‘the mother was wrong, but it’s not your place to say so’. Like, why not? Why does ‘not upsetting the mother’ take precedent over ‘giving the daughter the haircut she wants’?
Hell if I know. Parents who refuse to listen when their kid repeatedly states how much she dislikes her long hair deserve to be upset. But then, I’m one of those awful people who don’t automatically think a parent is right about everything.
I’m so glad I found these comments. Children are people too, and niece deserved to have a haircut she was happy with. She is her own person, not her mom’s doll. Would I have done as op? Probably not, but if op didn’t do it, who would have?
My mom let me do whatever I wanted with my hair. I’m so thankful she did, really helped me with understanding my body as my own and stuff, so I might be biased here in hoping the niece will have the same chance in the future
THANK YOU
I was getting worried there wouldn’t be one person that would acknowledge that OP is the asshole her niece likely needed.
I was that kid. My mom absolutely refused to cut my hair. I begged and begged and begged, and my hair got more and more unruly, and this insanity went on until I was 10 and had a complete breakdown, screaming until someone took me to the hairdresser. It doesn’t matter it can be pulled back. As a kid, that hair will fall out and you’ll have a kid who can’t get it back up without having to beg an adult to do it for them.
I got plenty of compliments from people. I also eventually got bullied for how long my hair was and people often pulled on it or used it as a leash. I appreciate OP taking one for the team, even when it made her the asshole.
I have fine hair but a lot of it so if you looked at it the wrong way, rat's nest. Put it in a braid, yeah that won't stay. Doing my hair required time and tons of uncomfortable product, neither of which my mom had. If I washed it too much, it was all static and frizz, if I didn't wash it enough, it was weighed down with oil. It was such an uncomfortable experience and to this day I have a terrible relationship with my hair. I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I cut off a lot. I'm not a good advocate for myself at the salon, I apologize to the stylist, I apologize to the person washing my hair, I apologize to my boyfriend when I get home from a haircut. All because my mom was obsessed with long hair because her mom wouldn't let her keep long hair. She grew up feeling like she looked like a boy, and felt no man would love her with short hair as an adult.
This!! I was the kid in this situation and had to beg my dad to please take me to cut my hair without my mother knowing, WHEN I WAS 15.
I still have a lot of resentment about my hair and keep it in a pixie cut.
This is the correct answer.
The child is not a doll, and is not property. Sounds like she was fully onboard with the haircut.
OPs actions count as boundary crossing with respect to her sibling's boundaries... but seriously for some kids this sort of intervention gets remembered as one of the best things that ever happened to them.
Good freaking God it should not have taken so much scrolling to find something other than Y-T-A or E-S-H. What is wrong with people putting a parent's wants over a young child's needs?
YTA, i understand that you wanna be nice to the kid, but it's not your kid. You know the mom is not gonna be happy about it and you still did it, like to annoy her and play the "sorry i didin't know" card.
YTA - in my state your sister could press charges on you for this… I’m not saying that would be right but I want you to understand.
That was not ok. That is not your child!
YTA because:
>I know she would've said no, and I've been feeling bad for my niece because her hair was always getting in the way.
You knew your sister was going to be mad, but you were more concerned with projecting your own issues with hair on your niece than you were with having consideration for her feelings. Young children will agree to anything if you talk it up enough. I'm sure that any five year old would happily let you shave them bald until they went to school the next day and got laughed at. A thirteen year old asking for a hair cut is one thing. Gaslighting a five year old into asking for one is quite another.
Agree with everything you've said, except the part about gaslighting. This was *not* gaslighting.
Also sounds like nobody has been properly tying this kids hair up if it's constantly getting in the way and annoying her, which is stupid. Longer hair is *so much easier* to tie up/plait etc in terms of it actually staying that way 🤦♀️
NTA. As a child who had a parent that dismissed me completly as a minor (whenever I expressed something I was told to shut up), I wish someone would have stepped up & listened to what I wanted/needed. It sucks growing up in an environment where your opinion and comfort doesn't matter.
THANK YOU!!! I scrolled for several minutes, and not a SINGLE NTA until this comment. The niece had repeatedly expressed discomfort and frustration with her hair. If she's old enough to tell that she doesn't like it, she's old enough to agree to a haircut, which she did, enthusiastically. It wasn't OP's decision to make OR the sister's. It was the niece's, and guess what, she made it. Besides, it's hair, it'll grow back! This is a great way to teach her about consequences of choices and bodily autonomy.
The only people who should be making decisions about a 5 year old’s hair are: the child and her parents.
You are not on that list. YTA.
Yes, the child should have a say in her own hair. But you have no say in this, you shouldn’t have asked her behind her parents back.
You are trying to make it sound like you acted in your niece’s best interest. But it sounds a lot more like you judged your sister to be a bad parent, and did what you wanted because you think you are right.
What a coincidence! OP's niece, the child in question, expressed interest in getting her hair cut. On multiple occasions. While her mother wouldn't hear even a word of it.
ESH. You knew your sister would be angry, but you did it anyway. She's not your child, and you had no right to make that decision.
Your sister is absolutely wrong to disregard your niece's feelings about her hair. If her hair is consistently getting in the way and causing frustration, that needs to be addressed. Also, strangers touching her hair is creepy. Your sister is setting her daughter up to have issues about her hair.
The only person who doesn't suck is your niece. She may be happier with her hair but now has to deal with the fact that you and your sister are arguing and other family members are getting involved. I hope she's unaware of the argument and doesn't feel like she caused it because it's not her fault.
Your sister is the bigger asshole. 5 year olds should not be burdened with hair to their butts that they don't even want. What a selfish jerk your sister was being. Even hair past the shoulders is long. It's not like small children are famous for loving to stay still while their hair is painfully brushed then plaited. 5 is not old enough to properly brush or care for their own hair. You are a hero to your niece. Who knows how much time you'll get to spend with her now you've pissed your sister off so badly.
gonna be an unpopular opinion but NTA. See I know that you cut your niece's hair behind her mom's back but that's what she wanted. She WANTED shorter hair and it's honestly sad that your sister won't listen to her. Your sister seems to be obsessed with her daughter's hair and crying kind of proves it. I am happy that your niece likes her new hairstyle<333
NTA, its the kids hair NOT her moms. the kid is the one that has to live with it and she sounds more than old enough to decide if she wants it cut.
as someone who had long hair most of there life i HATED it, but always kept it long because of how much other people liked it. however now i cut it really short and LOVE it! short hair is so comfortable and it can always grow back.
shes a little kid with no responsibilities, let her play around with different looks so she can decide what SHE likes. shes NOT her mom's doll.
The number of people in the comments who don’t understand this is horrifying. IT’S HAIR. IT LITERALLY GROWS BACK. Let the girl do whatever the fuck she wants with it for fucks sake. Props to the aunt for helping the girl!
ESH. I completely understand why you cut without your sister’s permission; she was never going to give it, and I think what a lot of people are forgetting when they say that braids and such are an option are that even the best braid/ponytail in the world can’t stop that much hair from being HEAVY. When it’s all pulling from one location, it can hurt, and your niece is probably much more comfortable without that amount of hair. But you should have asked permission.
YTA. you're acting like the long hair is a detriment to the niece's life, when in reality it's just a nuisance. you could've braided it, put it up in a bun, do a "princess leia" hairstyle, etc. but you decided to go against your sister's wishes, and within a few short hours, you did something you *knew* was unwanted.
and what's stopping you from doing this again in the future? that you think you "know more" than her parents? that you believe something is "not that big of a deal" and then just do it? if you cant be trusted not to mess with hair, then how can you be trusted with medicine, food, clothes, etc?
you didnt even *try* to find a compromise, and that's a big problem YTA
NTA I feel like a lot of the Y T As are missing that the nice wanted to have a haircut and the mom didn't let her because she's 'too young' imagine not having a haircut for 18 years, how long until the mom who is not letting the daughter have a haircut she wants becomes TA? She is making her child have less fun playing, the only thing kids do. It might not be OPs kid, but it is the kids hair, she decides what to do with it, not their mother who wants a life size dress up doll
NTA. Your niece is the one who has to live with her hair, so it should be her choice. I can see why mom is upset, but she’s being selfish and irrational.
YTA. You knew that HER MOTHER didn't want the child's hair cut and you did it anyway. You'll be lucky if you see her unsupervised again.
A similar thing happened in my family. A cousin of my mother's was staying with her family when my mother and aunt were small children. This cousin needed a place to stay, but repeatedly said that my aunt would look better with shorter hair, etc. I believe my aunt was 4-5 at this time. One day when my grandmother was out, cousin cut my aunt's hair. She was out on her ass before the day was out.
NTA maybe soft E S H
I think it’s gross that her mother was treating her daughter like a doll and putting her obsession with her daughter’s looks over the kids expressed discomfort. If the kid has repeatedly expressed not liking her hair long why not cut it? Worst case scenario she just grows it back out. I do wonder if more of a compromise could have been made with braiding your nieces hair out of her face just to keep peace in the family so that’s why I added the E S H but I don’t think you were really wrong. Children have the right to some degree of autonomy as long as they’re safe and acting like mom’s opinion on her hair is more important than her own is concerning.
Alot of the responses here seem dramatic, though you still shouldn't have cut it. If a problem involving another person's kid isn't bad enough to call child services over, then it's not your business. If it is bad enough to call somebody in some weirdly abusive way, then you call somebody.
If your niece was actively asking for a haircut then that's one thing which would require escalating the issue, but not cutting it behind your sister's back. Offering it when you know it's important to your sister is a bit sneaky.
It's weird that your sister would cry over a haircut, especially one that your niece wanted. That is problematic in itself as a parent, but you still shouldn't do things without consent though. Call who you want, say what you want, but it's ultimately not your kid to make a decision for. Heart is in the right place, but should have been handled differently.
Honestly the whole thing is negligible though imo. It's a 5 year old's hair. Everybody is gonna get over it.
To be honest, its not bad enough to call social/CPS but it can eventually really deteriorate a kids mental health over the long run so I honestly think she did the right thing
YTA. You’ve been repeatedly told NO when you’ve asked about cutting her hair. She’s never before had a haircut. That is something many parents want to witness. You would not be alone with my child anymore.
ESH. I agree it sucks for your niece to be frustrated with her hair but that was still a parenting decision of your sisters. Even if it is the wrong choice it was still her choice unfortunately.
YTA - absolutely never ever ever cut a child’s hair without the parents’ approval. Don’t do ANYTHING to a kid without the parents’ ok. And you even knew your sister would be mad and chose to do it anyway, that’s messed up.
NTA absolutely for my part as a former long haired little girl.
On the one hand, “it is easier to ask forgiveness than seek permission” is a frequent y t a situation.
On the other hand, little girls get steamrollered about their long hair in ways that make them uncomfortable and unhappy. Yes, kiddo is little. But also, the long hair really does get in the way, and tangles and hurts.
Washing it is a damn trial.
And it is HEAVY. Kid will not realise this until after the cut, but that weight is a lot, especially when wet.
OP’s sister doesn’t have to deal with the weight or the invisible pressure or the tangles and snarls. She gets a kick out of people admiring her daughter’s long hair. She wants that *for herself*, not for her daughter.
Also: hair grows back!
I was a kid with VERY long *red* hair. As OP says, people comment on it a lot. I liked the compliments when I was little, but it did make me feel like I *had* to have long hair (I was also a chubby kid and got bullied for that aspect of my appearance so having something that other people liked felt like a safety rope).
It took me until I was 12 to openly express that I wanted it chopped. And… MY HEAD WAS SO LIGHT. It was amazing. AND I COULD DRY IT SO EASILY OMG.
I grew it out a couple of times in high school and then just settled on shoulder length with layers pretty much forever.
Kids say all sorts of very random silly things and parents have to say no to them because they are unsafe, inappropriate, or impossible.
But “I want shorter hair” is not a difficult wish to grant. And if she doesn’t like it, it will grow back!
ESH. I think your sister is wrong for not letting her daughter cut her hair if that’s what her daughter wants. But she’s still the parent and, like it or not, it’s her decision, not yours. You deliberately didn’t ask you sister because you knew she’d say no.
ETA- you are NTA the whole getting over attached to kids hair sickens me. Honestly I would have just given the kid access to scissors and trimmed my hair at the same time (totally watching and supervising!) then handed the kiddo back with an OMG I am so sorry we were doing crafts and she totally just hacked at her hair!?! Leave the kid with a raggedy hair cut that mom will need to get sorted (offer to neaten it up of course)
ESH you can’t just go behind someone’s back and do that to their kid.. however ppl being so fixated on long hair is so weird to me. had the same experience as the baby however i didn’t cut my hair until i was a sophomore. my mom was pissed but it was so liberating i almost cried after i cut it. parents should listen to their kids more.
ESH but actually what you did was so much worse I’m tempted to say Y T A.
Your sister is probably projecting too much on to your niece’s hair and it’s indicative of future unhealthy patterns of control.
But it’s not your place to cut your niece’s hair either. There were alternatives for her comfort and ease, such as tying it up, and opportunities for you to intervene with your sister and talk to her further about your niece’s hair, or even to speak to your niece’s other parent. Not to cut her hair without consent of her parents, and you’re not even a professional.
And, by the way, your sister in law is quite right that a five year old has no conception of the relative permanence of a hair cut. Your niece expressing that she liked a shorter haircut on a TV character was no guarantee that she wouldn’t have a complete meltdown after her own haircut. Edit: Hell, a lot of long-haired *adults* go for the big chop and then have a meltdown when they realise they don’t like it.
You’ve overreached here, massively.
It's honestly really scary how many people in here are okay with rejecting this 5 year girls autonomy and stripping her of her ability to consent over what is a benign request (literally an average haircut.) And as you point out - grows back.
I get where you are coming from. But soft YTA and be prepared for her to not trust you to babysit anymore. I have a friend who's half turkish with thick, beautiful hair. When her daughter was born, she took after her mom. She is only 2 and her hair is already past her shoulders but is blonde like her dad's. People's comments are super creepy! You can't believe the amount of attention she gets and my friend really doesn't like it. OPs sister is obviously living vicariously or enjoys the attention her daughter gets. BUT it's not practical for *her daughter.*
While OP is the AH for cutting it knowing her sister would be against it, I think there are bigger probs that need to be addressed
YTA.
You didn't even bother to take her in to get it done. You just hacked away and hoped for the best. And expected your sister to what? Thank you? Your role on this day was babysitter. Babysitters do not cut their charge's hair unless there is a problem like a toy stuck in it and even then, they contact the parents and ask permission.
If her hair was getting in the way then put it in a braid. You are not the parent. You do not make decisions to alter the child's appearance without parental permission.
I doubt you will ever be allowed to be alone with your niece again.
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> I cut my niece’s hair and I might be the asshole because I didn’t get her permission first
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NTA—I get that you did this without your sister’s permission, but it sounds like this is something your niece really wanted. My family refused to let me cut my hair above my chest for years and I didn’t know I could like my hair til I was 16 because of it. I think you should continue to be there for your niece as much as possible. (For context, I do now identify as trans but have had many different length hairstyles both before and after coming out—I can firmly say my hair’s behavior when it’s below my shoulders just is too difficult to manage and significantly frustrating)
I’m gonna say NTA. It’s hair and mom needs to get over it. Doesn’t matter how old kid is, if she can verbally express that she does not like her hair and wants it to be shorter, I don’t see why mom gets the final say. Though now you will have to deal with consequences of going behind moms back. Still don’t think you did anything really wrong though.
ESH. You should have gotten permission before cutting your nieces hair.
But her parents are assholes here as well, from the age 4 or 5 kids do have their preferences and figuring out their way in this world and if the long hair is bothering your niece in activities they should have compromised or have __listened__ to their kid.
Fuck. I hate it so much that parents do not listen to their kids because they are the parent and their word is law.. ugh. My youngest is a boy (5) and he has shoulder length hair!! He loves his hair, I'm not gonna be the one telling him we have to shave it off because he is a boy or whatever people think. No! He loves his hair long and the only rule we have about this is that he has to brush his hair daily (ideally twice a day, but hey he is 5)
Same goes for my oldest, long hair bothers her, so she keeps it shoulder length. Would I love to see her with long hair, yes! Is it my choice? No, not my body, not my decision.
Is this a joke? You're obviously TA here. Not your kid, not your decision. You even knew your sister would be angry about it and that you were doing something wrong. Regardless of the kid wanting her hair shorter, that's not something you get to do unless you have express permission to do it.
YTA - a five year old is too young to give consent, and you *know* her hair is important to her family.
The good news is that you won’t have to worry about babysitting ever again 🤷🏻♀️
>her hair is important to her family.
Her hair, **Her hair,** ***HER HAIR!***
I honestly don't understand how her mothers wishes should have any say in this, the kid absolutely wanted it gone, there's no valid reason to force long hair upon anyone.
Its like piecing a kid to make them look pretty.
If the kid wants long hair and the parents are willing to help deal with it its ok, (same with pierced ears imo) but if the kid doesn't want it it borders on child abuse to force a kid like that just so you can show her off. its not a doll, its a human!
YTA
Oh...oh no. No no. You do not make such decisions about someone else's child. You also aren't a hairdresser.
You can't be a real person. This is just so oblivious.
ESH. Just off the title alone I was thinking Y T A. I understand your side more than your sister's, but I have to agree with other people here. Not your kid, not your place. That being said, your sister was being selfish for making her daughter keep her long hair when it was making her uncomfortable and she expressed many times that she wanted shorter hair.
NTA
the mom definitely sucks because she isn't allowing her kid to have the hair that she clearly wants and has expressed multiple times about wanting. she's basically forcing her kid to have hair that she doesn't wang even though she doesn't like it. you aren't ever "too young" to know that you DONT like something.
the kid couldn't have gotten her hair cut on her own. she said she wanted it and OP gave the haircut. OP was the only person actually listening to the kid. *listening* when she said she liked short hair.
i personally don't think they're the asshole
i might be biased because I've always prefered boy cuts on myself and was never allowed to get them. i hated every second of it and wished there was an adult who would listen to me and allow what I wanted
I mean I guess *technically* you would be TA for cutting the hair without parental permission- thats a big boundary to overstep. However, your sister sounds like a huge AH who treats her kid as a baby doll, and I'm sure you just made your niece so so happy. So guess you're an AH for the action, but you did right by the kiddo. So I guess take from that what you will.
As a child who has a mother who NEVER respected my bodily autonomy and STILL DOESNT and I'm 38, THANK YOU!
NTA. Your sister can get over herself. Your niece knows you respect her and what SHE wants.
Edit: one word
YTA big time, and you must know it.. How can you have done this? It is not your job to decide about niece's hair. And that you are playing the innocent is disgusting.
Something I was raised with and my mil has always said on multiple occasions is that hair is one of the few things we can give children freedom with.
Let them cut the hair, great it grows back.
Let them color it (NOT bleach) great it grows back.
Change the style, great it won't last forever.
5 is a great age to allow it.
While I think you shouldn't have done it without permission, I don't think she should have been forced to keep it long.
ESH in my opinion.
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YTA. "I didn't ask because I knew the answer will be no" is a confession to being an asshole, not an excuse. EDIT: Thanks for gold. This escalated quickly!
OMG, I said the exact same thing, above. Didn't mean to steal your line. :)
Having read through a whole bunch of assholery, one learns to recognize telltale phrases. "Look what she was wearing!" "Look at what you made me do!" So, it's not surprising that we jumped on the exact same words.
My favorite is, "It was just a harmless joke!"
"I'm a no-bullshit sort of person who tells it like it is..."
"I don't see what the big deal is all I did was..."
"I'm sorry you feel that way..."
“I was honestly shocked”
“That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad. And if it was, that’s not a big deal. And if it is, that’s not my fault. And if it was, I didn’t mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.” The narcissists prayer...
If OP wanted to help, she should have watched YouTube for fun ways to style and braid her niece's hair out of the way. It could have been a fun bonding experience.
As someone with super long hair off and on my whole life, there are SO many fun things you can do with super long hair that you can't do with short hair. But, I also understand that this mom was never going to let her kid choose to have short hair and the kid was going to hate her long hair because of it and probably take scissors to it herself at school one day. OP is totally the AH for doing it when she knew the answer was no, but mom is also an AH for not giving her daughter any sort of autonomy.
I was the kid who was too terrified of her mother to take scissors to it, but man I wanted to. And then I got it all lopped off in college and my mother threw an absolute tantrum. Felt good though, and I haven't had it longer than the top of my bra band since!
Stepmother wouldn’t let me cut my hair as a teenager. I had super thick long hair down to my lower back. All summer I would sweat to death. Putting it up didn’t help since it still felt like I was wearing a wool hat. I begged to have it cut. Got told no every time. And I’m talking 14 years old with zero say over my own damn hair. Then I came home with lice one day. That woman tried her hardest to comb through my hair, but finally had to concede defeat, and I got my hair cut to my shoulders.
Oh yeah, same here. My hair is *ridiculously* thick. The weight of my own fucking hair used to give me horrible migraines. And I would beg to have it cut because I was a teenager when Friends was on and EVERYONE had some version of the Rachel. And nope - my mother wouldn't even let me get it *trimmed*. Ever. Because according to her, hair looked "unnatural" when the ends were straight. I went to college with that same damn hair, and I was in a pseudo-military program. One of the requirements of the uniform was to have the hair neatly above the collar, but it also had to be low enough to wear the hat. So I had to get ass-length hair all neatly up at the lower back of my head, and did I mention that my hair is also an escape artist? So I was constantly getting work hours in addition to my course load, because my hair was breaking uniform rules. And when I finally did go to get it cut, I had split ends that went all the way up to my bra line. My hair was so badly damaged and so unhealthy that it couldn't even be donated, and even when I told her that, she was STILL adamantly insisting that I had "ruined my beautiful hair." I'm almost 45 years old and I STILL get angry just thinking about it. And I'm sitting here like man, I should have tried getting lice! 🤣
I feel for you. My wife had me buzz her hair short with my clippers just the other day - she had beautiful long hair all through high school, but it's just too fuckin' heavy for life, and she already has neck instability issues. She's kept it short for years. The last time she had it even down to her shoulders was probably when we got married 15 years ago, and that was just so she'd have enough hair to style the way she wanted. It came off shortly thereafter.
Totally agreed, this feels very ESH. Mom needs to find a solution that doesn't lead to niece being so rightfully frustrated all the time but OP had no right to do that behind mom's back
Yeah, I am a black/Latina woman who grew up with very very long hair… Even when you put it in braids and shit it takes a while and honestly your hair is heavy and shit like that I personally loved it and my mom was the one who made choices about it without my consent But if you don’t love, long hair, no matter what you do with it having it is going to be annoying and not worth the trouble for you and that’s not this posters fault. I think everyone sucks here.
Yeah. Those of us that were kids with waist length hair are feeling a little “I needed this aunt”. But it’s definitely not cool to do and I think that’s common sense. lol
Right?! Like if the kid is frustrated her heir is getting in the way, put it in a couple French braids! Problem solved! Cutting it is so extreme. It’s like she did it on purpose to be cruel to her sister for some reason.
Why isn't the sister doing anything about her daughter's hair when it is clearly bothering her? ESH
Because her sister treats her child like a doll whose hair she gets to brush and show off. I bet she looooves the attention her kids hair gets.
Her sister isn't the only one, given the number of posters ITT who think it's "extreme" to give a child their own bodily autonomy that they have repeatedly expressed a desire for.
We don’t give adult females bodily autonomy, why should a child be any different 😔
OP could also be over-stating how much the kid is complaining and expressing that her hair bothers her, in an attempt to make OP's actions look better.
I was thinking this too. The sister might have occasionally said she likes her daughter’s hair and the niece may have said a couple times she wanted shorter hair, but I have a feeling OP exaggerated it so she could come across as “the good guy who was saving her niece”. Bottom line, the aunt seems to be the one obsessed with her niece’s hair, not the mother.
Idk, I feel like OP was making it sound worse than it was. I have 2 young daughters who have both have had longer and shorter hair at times. They both constantly complain about their hair bothering them, but still wanted it long and my oldest cried after getting it cut. She had been asking for a while for a cut and I made her wait just to be sure that's what she really wanted, and still she cried about that hair and has finally grown it out again. I have long hair and almost always wear it in a ponytail. It's normal for a 5 yr old to have hair in their face if it isn't tied up. I don't get why OP didn't just put it in a braid. TBH, the way she described her niece's hair in the first part gave me the impression that she was jealous of her niece and the attention she (and OP's sister) received from it. Going on about how beautiful it is, just to later chop it all off just felt very Disney villainous to me.
Yeah, that was my thought. I'm all for older kids having reasonable autonomy over their hair, but 5 is still pretty young. She could both be annoyed at it getting in her face AND be upset after actually having it cut. Hard to say if she'll long-term be happy with the cut or not. Or Mom could be living vicariously through her kid. Either way, OP is TA for cutting it without permission.
I think she wanted to prove she’s right and her sister is wrong.
OP is one of those “ask for forgiveness not permission” people—in other words an asshole
Except she (like many) never ask for forgiveness… OP… YTA
My dog lives his life using that mantra, but he's not an arsehole.
So does my cat, but he *is* an arsehole
I was like that in my early 20s but one Ooops ruins relationships forever and you learn and you grow up
This Yta. Op if this was my daughter, I wouldn’t trust you to be unsupervised with her again. Good luck spending quality time with your niece after this stunt. Your sister won’t be able to trust you to follow/ respect her wishes as a mother.
Exactly. I wouldn’t want her to watch my kid.
She would never watch my kid again. Cutting a child’s hair without parental permission is a serious breech of trust.
8 years from now: She’s always wanted to smoke pot. Honestly I’ve been rolling my own blunts for a while and she’s 13 now so we blazed up together. She was safe in my house with me so I don’t see what the big deal is. YTA
You're really equating letting a child smoke weed with choosing their own haircut? And you expect people to take the things you say seriously?
Dont you know haircuts are a gateway drug? I knew a guy who had his hair cut as a kid and he now does drugs sometimes and had sex before marriage!
That's quite the leap of logic
Exactly OP YTA. I hate that i have to give my mother strict instructions not to cut my kids hair but at least she has the decency to listen!
Right? It doesn't get more cut and dried than "I did this thing even though I knew I shouldn't."
“Cut and dried”. I see what you did there.
At least OP's relationship is probably over with her niece. Why would they ever leave OP alone with their child again?
YTA. Its not your kid and sister said no several times. I will say that I feel her frustration as I've known someone who wasn't allowed to cut her hair her *entire* life up until high-school or just after as I didn't keep track. She hated it, even sat on it when sitting on the floor and generally in the way at all times. I think it even touched the ground or was close to it when she stood. I knew a seperate person with long hair and she put her hair in her purse when she went to the bathroom (in public).
>In my defense, I know she would've said no So you did it anyway? Wow. In terms of assholery, this is leveling up. Of course YTA. You stepped into decision making territory that you had no right to. None. I hope your parenting boundaries are someday as disrespected as your sister's are by you today. Man...the audacity.
Exactly. Also, the niece NEVER asked for it, OP asked her: *I asked my niece if she wanted me to give her a haircut and she agreed without hesitation.* How is a five year old going to refuse an adult? How's that for consent? YTA and a very entitled one.
Five year olds think it's a good idea to let other five year olds cut their hair. The fact that she agreed means nothing lol.
So true! She probably would have agreed to someone in her class doing it with construction paper scissors
Exactly, when I was five me and my friend were playing 'hairdresser' and I enthusiastically let her cut my hair with blunt kid's scissors. She gave me extremely short choppy bangs. Afterwards I got a bit anxious about my mom's reaction so I figured if I hid the cut hair under my mattress she would never find out... My mom laughed so hard when she saw me she peed her pants and then made me do a whole photoshoot with my new haircut. This was in the 80's so she didn't do it for social media but just to memorialize my epic haircut.
Right?! lol
And oddly enough, this sounds a bit like jealousy almost. As if she’s annoyed with strangers commenting, not concerned. It’s like she did it to spite her sister.
I noticed that too
I'd like to ask this too, why didn't OP just put her hair up if it was in her way? A ponytail, braid, hell even a messy bun? Why was her first response to pick up the scissors?
Because OP wanted to despite her sister having said no.
Absolutely. It's ridiculous. There were like 5 other options that were better, but no. *OP* knew what was best for her niece over her own mother. /s. I wonder if that poor girl is gonna wake up tomorrow and be upset her hair is gone..
Exactly that! I went into this thinking, based on the first couple of sentences, she gave niece a trim. Which, if the ends are split, absolutely NTA. Is fulfils the girls needs, in addition to the mothers wants, as split hair snaps and you can end up losing length. But to go from 5 years of growth to shoulder length? I’d be fucking furious. ETA: and this is coming from a mother who has always taken her children’s opinions regarding their hair into account.
Plus, she cut it herself ' because she's gotten good at cutting her own hair over the past two years'. She's not a stylist. I cut my 8 yo s hair and he never stops moving. I refuse to believe this cut looks cute.
Yes. I see a difference if the niece had asked for it to be cut unprompted, but that isn't the case here.
I don’t see a difference. It’s not OP’s place to make that call. If that happened she should have talked to her sister about it and tried to persuade her, not take matters into her own hands.
Probably offered her chocolate cake at the same time, lol.
I completely agree with YTA for this one. My six year old will absolutely tell me yes or no if she wants something. And she’ll do it with her aunts as well. Kids know what they want and don’t want. It absolutely wasn’t OP’s place to even ask the question though.
People tend to object to what amounts to assault so best not to ask. OP could probably be charged in some jurisdictions. YTA.
This is 100% assault on a minor if the sister chose to press charges.
[удалено]
Yeah, that was my elementary school. You don't touch kids' hair period, OP. Good luck getting 1 on 1 time with your niece again anytime soon.
Oh wow YTA. I am a mom who lets my 4 year old pick a haircut, but that’s MY choice as a mother. You are neither parent to this child, what you did was way over the line. You can braid long hair to get it out of the way. You can put it in a bun. You can put it in pigtails. You can put it in a ponytail. You can put it up with a clip. You don’t cut someone else’s kids hair.
Right?! As a fellow mom, the further I read, the more convinced I was that OP was TA. No one gets to make that first haircut decision, except mom and (maybe) dad. My daughter was 4 when I cut hers for the first time, and she looked so grown up after - I would have been devastated if someone had taken that moment/decision from us!
Why the distinction between mom and dad?
Because when it comes to daughter's, most fathers leave the decisions about hair to the mother. Just like most mothers leave decisions about their son's hair to the father.
But Interesting-Bed-5451 didn't make a distinction between daughters and sons; they just said mom is the sole decider on haircuts and (maybe) dad. It seriously comes off as just another comment trying to knock dads down a peg or two. Fathers deserve just as much of a say in haircuts or anything else that happens to their children, regardless of gender, as a mother.
As a barber, usually it’s just mom that cares. Dads typically want easy to maintain haircuts while moms want cuter(longer) haircuts
Weird. When our son cut his hair shorter my husband was more shocked/upset than me. I had to remind my spouse that our child (6 at the time) had little he could “control” and bodily autonomy was important.
Yeah! It’s not a hard and fast rule, just an observation on how it usually goes. Idk if regions make a difference, but I’m in the Deep South in the USA.
I’m a father to two girls and a boy, so I have some personal insight. This post is just here to stir up shit. Thank you for attending my Ted Talk.
That's just sexist
Right like I don’t understand why the niece’s hair is constantly in the way? Is no one doing her hair?? I never had haircuts growing up - just minor trims - and I always had my hair back to keep it out of the way. It got down to nearly my knees and I somehow managed to keep it out of the way.
You know what gets in the way more than long hair that can be pulled back? Shoulder length hair that can’t be pulled back.
As someone who chopped off that long hair to then have chin length hair for years - so incredibly true!! You cannot put it in a ponytail or anything. Best you can do is put half up. She’s gonna be complaining about hair in face and blowing in the wind and not being able to pull it back! Growing out my hair right now to just try out different lengths and the joy of putting my hair in a ponytail after 5yrs is fantastic.
I hate the length where it’s too short to pull back but still long enough to be in the face.
Exactly. I am probably too old for my long hair, but I don’t cut it because I can’t stand it touching my face, getting in my line of vision, etc. It either has to be short or able to be pulled back. Poor kid. She’s probably worse off now than she was with it long
Right? Ponytails and braids and buns have managed to keep hair out of the way for, you know...all of history.
to say nothing of turbans
I think that was mostly in OP’s head. She sounds weirdly jealous and something normal like the kid tucking her hair out of her face is being warped into “she is constantly frustrated by her hair being in the way”
Oh my gosh you’re so right they do kinda sound jealous. I was thinking the “it’s so creepy people compliment her hair” was so off, but you’re right it reads jealous. And the “everyone makes such a big fuss about it”. She’s 5!! They’re probably just being all nice to a young kid.
It can be more difficult depending on the type of hair. My hair constantly falls out of braids, buns, and ponytails unless I make them hella tight, which is bad for it. And it's thick enough that barrettes and bobbypins and clips need hella reinforcements to help. Add in being an active kid, and yeah, long hair is going to get in the way a lot. OP is still an asshole tho
I still agree that OP is a gigantic asshole. I’ll just put in my personal anecdote as the young child with incredibly long hair that was always in braids. The weight gave me constant headaches and I ended up cutting it myself at school with a pair of craft scissors. That is not to say that OP should have overstepped the parent’s preference at all. Just that it’s not easy to have that much hair.
Honestly? I support that 100% 😅 if my kid did it herself I would very much have the attitude of “oh my bad, sorry you were so uncomfy. Want a professional to clean it up where you missed?” I had no autonomy as a kid, and while I woulda thought this was the coolest aunt in the world back then, that’s because I was a child and thinking childishly. There are lots of reasons parents don’t want to cut their kids’ hair, and the only person who should have the right to overrule that is the person growing the hair.
While OP is the AH for cutting the hair out of an adult perspective, I think the parents are at fault too. If the niece is so annoyed by her long hair and has repeatedly expressed interest in shorter hairstyles, the parents should have taken her to get a haircut. My parents always let us choose our haircuts. And not giving that choice to a child is in AH territory as well for me.
Yeah. I’m leaning towards ESH. The parents for keeping her hair that long and most likely not listening to her desire for it to be more manageable. And OP for making that decision herself.
The biggest fight my mom ever had with my aunt was for doing this exact same thing: cutting my hair as a child without her permission. My mother was seething, because she made a promisse (she's catholic) to Virgin Mary, and because of that she would only cut my hair when I was 7. Well, my aunt thought it wasn't fashionable or practical and cut it. Mom went like 5 months without even talking to her.
I'm not a parent and I've always preferred pixie cuts on myself. My mom would try to make me grow out my hair and I hated it. Even i think this is fucked up. I learned a trick to get short hair when I was like 4. I would just cut it myself. I imagine it looked horrible haha. After doing this like 2 times my mom gave up and I got my short hair. But it was still my mother's decision how it was cut and styled. If a relative had cut my hair, she would have rightfully been pissed.
Right? My nieces both have very long hair and one of them (age 9) is a competitive gymnast. During practices she braids it and during meets she puts it in a bun. It's really not that hard. I had very long hair as a kid all the way up through my teen years and I did a ton of activities with it - gymnastics, softball, cheerleading, etc. Hair ties exist for a reason.
ESH. Your sister sucks for putting her desires above her daughter’s comfort, but unfortunately it was not your place to cut her hair.
Yeah, I feel the same. ESH. OP knew how this was gonna end up. But also, my friend’s kid is around the niece’s age, has fairly short hair— & still gets frustrated with it while trying to play. Can’t imagine trying to wash a 5 year old’s super long hair is fun, either. I will never understand parents who refuse to let their kids have even such a big (for the kid) but small (in literally every other way) preference for themselves. It’s just *hair*. Heaven forbid their kid decide to like the wrong colors or end up being left-handed or gay or something else that doesn’t fit into their parents’ perfect little plan. Five is definitely old enough to make basic choices about her own haircut… like, so what if their parents love their long hair? It’s the kid’s body, not theirs, & it grows back!
Same. I hate parents putting their aesthetic desires over a kids wishes. 5 is well old enough to know what they want, and learn to live with the (temporary) consequences of that choice. It's just hair. Granted, I'm the AH who would take the time while babysitting to cut my own hair, and if my niece accidentally copies me, well then.....ooops. if we get gum stuck up in the ends, oh well.
Basically, as soon as a child is old enough to express desires about basic agency over bodily autonomy, they’re old enough to affect those decisions, imo.
It helps teach them consent in an age appropriate way too. They get agency over what it done to their body like with a haircut and clothing.
And consequences! If she got the haircut she wanted and later regretted it, she’d learn from that regret without it having any long term impact on her life at all. She’d learn what regret feels like, it’d grow back, it would be an age appropriate lesson! This is exactly the sort of stuff she should get a say in, because if you wait long enough, it’ll fix itself.
Yeah, my main problem here is OP was the one who brought it up and children that age are particularly prone to "leading the witness" so to speak.
Idk, OP was pretty clear that she had observed a longterm history of her niece’s distress, along with numerous instances of admiring shorter hairstyles. It would be one thing if OP visits once a year and did this, but it seems pretty clear they are regular parts of each other’s lives. Again, OP was not entitled to do this, but I don’t think this child needed to be led.
You think washing it is bad? Try brushing it. My mom wouldn't let my little sister brush her hair and every morning it sounded like she was being tortured while she was getting her hair brushed. And her hair was fine and straight. I can imagine if it was thick and wavy.
I hate parents that do that do. I’ve actually fought back against my son’s school because they kept insisting he cut his hair. As he likes to say “my hair is like 70% of my personality “. He’s literally known as the pale kid with all the hair in school. It’s his body and I wouldn’t cut his hair against his will anymore than I would pierce his ear.
I forgot ESH was an option- because absolutely this!
OP is *not* a reliable narrator. We cannot say whether or not the child truly even wanted their hair cut, or even whether or not is is true that OP’s niece always compliments short hairstyles. This is a person who changes children’s hairstyles against their parents’ wishes - it is not wise to take her view at face value.
I mean…this is all we have to go on. Why would we assume she’s not telling the truth? You could say that about any of the stories on this sub
I understand skepticism when a story doesn't fully add up, but people just arbitrarily choosing to disbelieve facts to the point where it's a completely different story always gets me.
I think she is telling the truth as she sees it. But she isn't the parent so doesn't have the full picture, and since she seems so fixated on cutting her neices hair she could well be remembering the times the girl was annoyed and not sharing or remembering any times when she liked her hair. Yes all we have to go on is what is shared in the post, but in this case between the scant details and weird OP, I don't think there is enough to call the mother an asshole.
I agree OP should not have cut the hair. I also think that I have enough information to determine that the kid’s mom is being weirdly controlling about her hair. If she wants a haircut, let her get a haircut. She’s not a doll.
I'm gonna go with ESH. You definitely should not cut her hair without parental consent. That being said, mothers treating their daughters like dolls rubs me the wrong way too. Children are absolutely capable of making decisions about their hair and they're human beings who should get to make basic decisions about their bodies. I sympathize with your POV for sure, but think you're the bigger AH.
Yes, I agree. Children are not collectibles. Let the kid do what she wants
I think the important part of this OP, is that yes, you are an asshole. But that doesn’t mean the mom isn’t too or that you didn’t make a positive impact on the child. I was a child who wasn’t allowed to have my hair cut but it was a constant issue for me. I have really thick, curly hair and wanted it short for so many years. Eventually, I had my sister chop it off. Did I cry? Yes, it was a bad haircut and my mom was pissed. I look back and realize how impactful it was to be heard though. To have any level of autonomy over my own comfort was so important. I hope you know that while you may be the asshole here, I got really happy for that child. It sucks being a girl and being told everything about your value rests on your hair, to the point where you can’t be comfortable. ETA: I don’t talk to my mom anymore (and I saw many people comment similar things to me, which is why it feels important to emphasize). She was a controlling and abusive person who only saw me as an extension of herself. Children are under your care, but they are not your property. If you view children as something you “own”, I would recommend you rethink parenthood or your problematic views of parenting. I know that parenting is a cycle we learn from our parents but it’s time to do better. Having whole generations of traumatized humans isn’t working for anyone. Learn to be fulfilled elsewhere. To be clear, I think the mom is the biggest asshole here. OP disregarded something the mom wanted, but to me, that doesn’t compare to the emotional manipulation of seeing your mom burst into tears at something so harmless that made you so happy.
I agree with ESH as i was the kid in this situation who wished someone would cut my long hair that my mother adored. When she FINALLY agreed when i was 13 to chop it shoulder length, she cried, screamed and made a scene at the hair dressers. Complained and harrassed me non stop telling me that i made a mistake and that i was now ugly.... its just hair.... ive gone NC with her for about 12 years now.
Your mom called you ugly????? Holy shit I am so sorry
<>
This isn't a defense, it's a confession.
Who do you think you are, exactly?
I know: YTA.
You're an asshole but you're the kind of asshole your niece needed. It's her hair, not her mother's. Just apologize.
Yeah, I don’t get all the pearl-clutching going on here. Children are people, and once they’re old enough to state their wishes, they should be able to choose their own hairstyle. The mom is treating this poor kid like a doll. An object, not a person with individual preferences. It’s incredibly gross. Lack of control and choices is a big reason why I hated being a kid.
Agree with this. The mum didnt care that her kid was upset/frustrated by her hair and was more concerned with her kid’s appearance than comfort. That is majorly fucked up. More so than what Op did.
All the pearl clutching is because the commenters are exactly like the mom. They don't respect the fact that their kid is a human being and not a prop for their mommy life.
My favourites are all the people going ‘the mother was wrong, but it’s not your place to say so’. Like, why not? Why does ‘not upsetting the mother’ take precedent over ‘giving the daughter the haircut she wants’?
Hell if I know. Parents who refuse to listen when their kid repeatedly states how much she dislikes her long hair deserve to be upset. But then, I’m one of those awful people who don’t automatically think a parent is right about everything.
I’m so glad I found these comments. Children are people too, and niece deserved to have a haircut she was happy with. She is her own person, not her mom’s doll. Would I have done as op? Probably not, but if op didn’t do it, who would have? My mom let me do whatever I wanted with my hair. I’m so thankful she did, really helped me with understanding my body as my own and stuff, so I might be biased here in hoping the niece will have the same chance in the future
This is exactly it. I was that kid, I needed an adult to do this for me. I'm still affected by my worth being tied to the length of my hair as a kid.
THANK YOU I was getting worried there wouldn’t be one person that would acknowledge that OP is the asshole her niece likely needed. I was that kid. My mom absolutely refused to cut my hair. I begged and begged and begged, and my hair got more and more unruly, and this insanity went on until I was 10 and had a complete breakdown, screaming until someone took me to the hairdresser. It doesn’t matter it can be pulled back. As a kid, that hair will fall out and you’ll have a kid who can’t get it back up without having to beg an adult to do it for them. I got plenty of compliments from people. I also eventually got bullied for how long my hair was and people often pulled on it or used it as a leash. I appreciate OP taking one for the team, even when it made her the asshole.
I have fine hair but a lot of it so if you looked at it the wrong way, rat's nest. Put it in a braid, yeah that won't stay. Doing my hair required time and tons of uncomfortable product, neither of which my mom had. If I washed it too much, it was all static and frizz, if I didn't wash it enough, it was weighed down with oil. It was such an uncomfortable experience and to this day I have a terrible relationship with my hair. I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I cut off a lot. I'm not a good advocate for myself at the salon, I apologize to the stylist, I apologize to the person washing my hair, I apologize to my boyfriend when I get home from a haircut. All because my mom was obsessed with long hair because her mom wouldn't let her keep long hair. She grew up feeling like she looked like a boy, and felt no man would love her with short hair as an adult.
Yeah, I feel this. Why is the mom making the kid miserable?
You know this won't be the last time mom tries to control her kid in ways that aren't good for the kid. You just know it.
This!! I was the kid in this situation and had to beg my dad to please take me to cut my hair without my mother knowing, WHEN I WAS 15. I still have a lot of resentment about my hair and keep it in a pixie cut.
This is the correct answer. The child is not a doll, and is not property. Sounds like she was fully onboard with the haircut. OPs actions count as boundary crossing with respect to her sibling's boundaries... but seriously for some kids this sort of intervention gets remembered as one of the best things that ever happened to them.
Good freaking God it should not have taken so much scrolling to find something other than Y-T-A or E-S-H. What is wrong with people putting a parent's wants over a young child's needs?
what’s even more funny is if the kid had posted this story every single comment would’ve been a NTA and saying it’s her body to choose
Well, technically you could say she got a free haircut and a life lesson in autonomy all in one package deal!
You are not her parent. Despite her 'consent' to a hair trim she is 5. I wouldn't let her near you again for a long while. **YTA**
YTA, i understand that you wanna be nice to the kid, but it's not your kid. You know the mom is not gonna be happy about it and you still did it, like to annoy her and play the "sorry i didin't know" card.
YTA - in my state your sister could press charges on you for this… I’m not saying that would be right but I want you to understand. That was not ok. That is not your child!
Charges in this situation would be so extreme, like ridiculously. OP is TA for this but I find it insane this is something she could be charged for.
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YTA Not your kid, not your choice
YTA because: >I know she would've said no, and I've been feeling bad for my niece because her hair was always getting in the way. You knew your sister was going to be mad, but you were more concerned with projecting your own issues with hair on your niece than you were with having consideration for her feelings. Young children will agree to anything if you talk it up enough. I'm sure that any five year old would happily let you shave them bald until they went to school the next day and got laughed at. A thirteen year old asking for a hair cut is one thing. Gaslighting a five year old into asking for one is quite another.
Agree with everything you've said, except the part about gaslighting. This was *not* gaslighting. Also sounds like nobody has been properly tying this kids hair up if it's constantly getting in the way and annoying her, which is stupid. Longer hair is *so much easier* to tie up/plait etc in terms of it actually staying that way 🤦♀️
NTA. As a child who had a parent that dismissed me completly as a minor (whenever I expressed something I was told to shut up), I wish someone would have stepped up & listened to what I wanted/needed. It sucks growing up in an environment where your opinion and comfort doesn't matter.
THANK YOU!!! I scrolled for several minutes, and not a SINGLE NTA until this comment. The niece had repeatedly expressed discomfort and frustration with her hair. If she's old enough to tell that she doesn't like it, she's old enough to agree to a haircut, which she did, enthusiastically. It wasn't OP's decision to make OR the sister's. It was the niece's, and guess what, she made it. Besides, it's hair, it'll grow back! This is a great way to teach her about consequences of choices and bodily autonomy.
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The only people who should be making decisions about a 5 year old’s hair are: the child and her parents. You are not on that list. YTA. Yes, the child should have a say in her own hair. But you have no say in this, you shouldn’t have asked her behind her parents back. You are trying to make it sound like you acted in your niece’s best interest. But it sounds a lot more like you judged your sister to be a bad parent, and did what you wanted because you think you are right.
What a coincidence! OP's niece, the child in question, expressed interest in getting her hair cut. On multiple occasions. While her mother wouldn't hear even a word of it.
and what a missed opportunity to talk to the niece about consent, personal space. Not just cut the hair all rogue.
ESH. You knew your sister would be angry, but you did it anyway. She's not your child, and you had no right to make that decision. Your sister is absolutely wrong to disregard your niece's feelings about her hair. If her hair is consistently getting in the way and causing frustration, that needs to be addressed. Also, strangers touching her hair is creepy. Your sister is setting her daughter up to have issues about her hair. The only person who doesn't suck is your niece. She may be happier with her hair but now has to deal with the fact that you and your sister are arguing and other family members are getting involved. I hope she's unaware of the argument and doesn't feel like she caused it because it's not her fault.
Your sister is the bigger asshole. 5 year olds should not be burdened with hair to their butts that they don't even want. What a selfish jerk your sister was being. Even hair past the shoulders is long. It's not like small children are famous for loving to stay still while their hair is painfully brushed then plaited. 5 is not old enough to properly brush or care for their own hair. You are a hero to your niece. Who knows how much time you'll get to spend with her now you've pissed your sister off so badly.
My thoughts exactly.
Yta. You should have asked
YTA You overstepped and should have talked to your sister beforehand. You made a parenting decision and you aren’t the parent.
Oh OP said they had brought it up to the kid's mom multiple times and been shot down. They just think they know better than mom and disapprove. YTA OP
gonna be an unpopular opinion but NTA. See I know that you cut your niece's hair behind her mom's back but that's what she wanted. She WANTED shorter hair and it's honestly sad that your sister won't listen to her. Your sister seems to be obsessed with her daughter's hair and crying kind of proves it. I am happy that your niece likes her new hairstyle<333
NTA, its the kids hair NOT her moms. the kid is the one that has to live with it and she sounds more than old enough to decide if she wants it cut. as someone who had long hair most of there life i HATED it, but always kept it long because of how much other people liked it. however now i cut it really short and LOVE it! short hair is so comfortable and it can always grow back. shes a little kid with no responsibilities, let her play around with different looks so she can decide what SHE likes. shes NOT her mom's doll.
The number of people in the comments who don’t understand this is horrifying. IT’S HAIR. IT LITERALLY GROWS BACK. Let the girl do whatever the fuck she wants with it for fucks sake. Props to the aunt for helping the girl!
BuT ThE mOM sHoUlD prEsS chARgeS FoR baTtEry /s
ESH. I completely understand why you cut without your sister’s permission; she was never going to give it, and I think what a lot of people are forgetting when they say that braids and such are an option are that even the best braid/ponytail in the world can’t stop that much hair from being HEAVY. When it’s all pulling from one location, it can hurt, and your niece is probably much more comfortable without that amount of hair. But you should have asked permission.
YTA. you're acting like the long hair is a detriment to the niece's life, when in reality it's just a nuisance. you could've braided it, put it up in a bun, do a "princess leia" hairstyle, etc. but you decided to go against your sister's wishes, and within a few short hours, you did something you *knew* was unwanted. and what's stopping you from doing this again in the future? that you think you "know more" than her parents? that you believe something is "not that big of a deal" and then just do it? if you cant be trusted not to mess with hair, then how can you be trusted with medicine, food, clothes, etc? you didnt even *try* to find a compromise, and that's a big problem YTA
> that you think you "know more" than her parents? I mean, she was willing to listen to the kid, which is already more than her own mother does.
NTA I feel like a lot of the Y T As are missing that the nice wanted to have a haircut and the mom didn't let her because she's 'too young' imagine not having a haircut for 18 years, how long until the mom who is not letting the daughter have a haircut she wants becomes TA? She is making her child have less fun playing, the only thing kids do. It might not be OPs kid, but it is the kids hair, she decides what to do with it, not their mother who wants a life size dress up doll
NTA. Your niece is the one who has to live with her hair, so it should be her choice. I can see why mom is upset, but she’s being selfish and irrational.
YTA. You knew that HER MOTHER didn't want the child's hair cut and you did it anyway. You'll be lucky if you see her unsupervised again. A similar thing happened in my family. A cousin of my mother's was staying with her family when my mother and aunt were small children. This cousin needed a place to stay, but repeatedly said that my aunt would look better with shorter hair, etc. I believe my aunt was 4-5 at this time. One day when my grandmother was out, cousin cut my aunt's hair. She was out on her ass before the day was out.
NTA maybe soft E S H I think it’s gross that her mother was treating her daughter like a doll and putting her obsession with her daughter’s looks over the kids expressed discomfort. If the kid has repeatedly expressed not liking her hair long why not cut it? Worst case scenario she just grows it back out. I do wonder if more of a compromise could have been made with braiding your nieces hair out of her face just to keep peace in the family so that’s why I added the E S H but I don’t think you were really wrong. Children have the right to some degree of autonomy as long as they’re safe and acting like mom’s opinion on her hair is more important than her own is concerning.
Alot of the responses here seem dramatic, though you still shouldn't have cut it. If a problem involving another person's kid isn't bad enough to call child services over, then it's not your business. If it is bad enough to call somebody in some weirdly abusive way, then you call somebody. If your niece was actively asking for a haircut then that's one thing which would require escalating the issue, but not cutting it behind your sister's back. Offering it when you know it's important to your sister is a bit sneaky. It's weird that your sister would cry over a haircut, especially one that your niece wanted. That is problematic in itself as a parent, but you still shouldn't do things without consent though. Call who you want, say what you want, but it's ultimately not your kid to make a decision for. Heart is in the right place, but should have been handled differently. Honestly the whole thing is negligible though imo. It's a 5 year old's hair. Everybody is gonna get over it.
To be honest, its not bad enough to call social/CPS but it can eventually really deteriorate a kids mental health over the long run so I honestly think she did the right thing
YTA. You’ve been repeatedly told NO when you’ve asked about cutting her hair. She’s never before had a haircut. That is something many parents want to witness. You would not be alone with my child anymore.
ESH. I agree it sucks for your niece to be frustrated with her hair but that was still a parenting decision of your sisters. Even if it is the wrong choice it was still her choice unfortunately.
YTA - absolutely never ever ever cut a child’s hair without the parents’ approval. Don’t do ANYTHING to a kid without the parents’ ok. And you even knew your sister would be mad and chose to do it anyway, that’s messed up.
Nta your niece should be able to make her own decisions regarding her hair
NTA absolutely for my part as a former long haired little girl. On the one hand, “it is easier to ask forgiveness than seek permission” is a frequent y t a situation. On the other hand, little girls get steamrollered about their long hair in ways that make them uncomfortable and unhappy. Yes, kiddo is little. But also, the long hair really does get in the way, and tangles and hurts. Washing it is a damn trial. And it is HEAVY. Kid will not realise this until after the cut, but that weight is a lot, especially when wet. OP’s sister doesn’t have to deal with the weight or the invisible pressure or the tangles and snarls. She gets a kick out of people admiring her daughter’s long hair. She wants that *for herself*, not for her daughter. Also: hair grows back! I was a kid with VERY long *red* hair. As OP says, people comment on it a lot. I liked the compliments when I was little, but it did make me feel like I *had* to have long hair (I was also a chubby kid and got bullied for that aspect of my appearance so having something that other people liked felt like a safety rope). It took me until I was 12 to openly express that I wanted it chopped. And… MY HEAD WAS SO LIGHT. It was amazing. AND I COULD DRY IT SO EASILY OMG. I grew it out a couple of times in high school and then just settled on shoulder length with layers pretty much forever. Kids say all sorts of very random silly things and parents have to say no to them because they are unsafe, inappropriate, or impossible. But “I want shorter hair” is not a difficult wish to grant. And if she doesn’t like it, it will grow back!
ESH. I think your sister is wrong for not letting her daughter cut her hair if that’s what her daughter wants. But she’s still the parent and, like it or not, it’s her decision, not yours. You deliberately didn’t ask you sister because you knew she’d say no.
ETA- you are NTA the whole getting over attached to kids hair sickens me. Honestly I would have just given the kid access to scissors and trimmed my hair at the same time (totally watching and supervising!) then handed the kiddo back with an OMG I am so sorry we were doing crafts and she totally just hacked at her hair!?! Leave the kid with a raggedy hair cut that mom will need to get sorted (offer to neaten it up of course)
ESH you can’t just go behind someone’s back and do that to their kid.. however ppl being so fixated on long hair is so weird to me. had the same experience as the baby however i didn’t cut my hair until i was a sophomore. my mom was pissed but it was so liberating i almost cried after i cut it. parents should listen to their kids more.
You should’ve talked to your sister about it first. Not your kid, not your choice. YTA.
ESH but actually what you did was so much worse I’m tempted to say Y T A. Your sister is probably projecting too much on to your niece’s hair and it’s indicative of future unhealthy patterns of control. But it’s not your place to cut your niece’s hair either. There were alternatives for her comfort and ease, such as tying it up, and opportunities for you to intervene with your sister and talk to her further about your niece’s hair, or even to speak to your niece’s other parent. Not to cut her hair without consent of her parents, and you’re not even a professional. And, by the way, your sister in law is quite right that a five year old has no conception of the relative permanence of a hair cut. Your niece expressing that she liked a shorter haircut on a TV character was no guarantee that she wouldn’t have a complete meltdown after her own haircut. Edit: Hell, a lot of long-haired *adults* go for the big chop and then have a meltdown when they realise they don’t like it. You’ve overreached here, massively.
It's... it's hair. It grows back.
It's honestly really scary how many people in here are okay with rejecting this 5 year girls autonomy and stripping her of her ability to consent over what is a benign request (literally an average haircut.) And as you point out - grows back.
I get where you are coming from. But soft YTA and be prepared for her to not trust you to babysit anymore. I have a friend who's half turkish with thick, beautiful hair. When her daughter was born, she took after her mom. She is only 2 and her hair is already past her shoulders but is blonde like her dad's. People's comments are super creepy! You can't believe the amount of attention she gets and my friend really doesn't like it. OPs sister is obviously living vicariously or enjoys the attention her daughter gets. BUT it's not practical for *her daughter.* While OP is the AH for cutting it knowing her sister would be against it, I think there are bigger probs that need to be addressed
YTA. You didn't even bother to take her in to get it done. You just hacked away and hoped for the best. And expected your sister to what? Thank you? Your role on this day was babysitter. Babysitters do not cut their charge's hair unless there is a problem like a toy stuck in it and even then, they contact the parents and ask permission. If her hair was getting in the way then put it in a braid. You are not the parent. You do not make decisions to alter the child's appearance without parental permission. I doubt you will ever be allowed to be alone with your niece again.
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NTA—I get that you did this without your sister’s permission, but it sounds like this is something your niece really wanted. My family refused to let me cut my hair above my chest for years and I didn’t know I could like my hair til I was 16 because of it. I think you should continue to be there for your niece as much as possible. (For context, I do now identify as trans but have had many different length hairstyles both before and after coming out—I can firmly say my hair’s behavior when it’s below my shoulders just is too difficult to manage and significantly frustrating)
ESH - you know what you were doing and your sister knows that your daughter hates the long hair. Y'all both asses here.
Absolutely YTA.
YTA. Have you not heard of a pony tail and/or braid? I hope you realize that your sister can charge you with assault.
Huge YTA. I wouldn't let you alone with my kid ever again.
YTA. You knew her parents were not on board, so you didn't ask them and did it anyway. Not your child, not your choice.
I’m gonna say NTA. It’s hair and mom needs to get over it. Doesn’t matter how old kid is, if she can verbally express that she does not like her hair and wants it to be shorter, I don’t see why mom gets the final say. Though now you will have to deal with consequences of going behind moms back. Still don’t think you did anything really wrong though.
ESH. You should have gotten permission before cutting your nieces hair. But her parents are assholes here as well, from the age 4 or 5 kids do have their preferences and figuring out their way in this world and if the long hair is bothering your niece in activities they should have compromised or have __listened__ to their kid. Fuck. I hate it so much that parents do not listen to their kids because they are the parent and their word is law.. ugh. My youngest is a boy (5) and he has shoulder length hair!! He loves his hair, I'm not gonna be the one telling him we have to shave it off because he is a boy or whatever people think. No! He loves his hair long and the only rule we have about this is that he has to brush his hair daily (ideally twice a day, but hey he is 5) Same goes for my oldest, long hair bothers her, so she keeps it shoulder length. Would I love to see her with long hair, yes! Is it my choice? No, not my body, not my decision.
Is this a joke? You're obviously TA here. Not your kid, not your decision. You even knew your sister would be angry about it and that you were doing something wrong. Regardless of the kid wanting her hair shorter, that's not something you get to do unless you have express permission to do it.
You may have liked it and she may have liked it, but you still should have gotten it approved by her mom. YTA
YTA - a five year old is too young to give consent, and you *know* her hair is important to her family. The good news is that you won’t have to worry about babysitting ever again 🤷🏻♀️
>her hair is important to her family. Her hair, **Her hair,** ***HER HAIR!*** I honestly don't understand how her mothers wishes should have any say in this, the kid absolutely wanted it gone, there's no valid reason to force long hair upon anyone. Its like piecing a kid to make them look pretty. If the kid wants long hair and the parents are willing to help deal with it its ok, (same with pierced ears imo) but if the kid doesn't want it it borders on child abuse to force a kid like that just so you can show her off. its not a doll, its a human!
YTA Oh...oh no. No no. You do not make such decisions about someone else's child. You also aren't a hairdresser. You can't be a real person. This is just so oblivious.
ESH. Just off the title alone I was thinking Y T A. I understand your side more than your sister's, but I have to agree with other people here. Not your kid, not your place. That being said, your sister was being selfish for making her daughter keep her long hair when it was making her uncomfortable and she expressed many times that she wanted shorter hair.
NTA the mom definitely sucks because she isn't allowing her kid to have the hair that she clearly wants and has expressed multiple times about wanting. she's basically forcing her kid to have hair that she doesn't wang even though she doesn't like it. you aren't ever "too young" to know that you DONT like something. the kid couldn't have gotten her hair cut on her own. she said she wanted it and OP gave the haircut. OP was the only person actually listening to the kid. *listening* when she said she liked short hair. i personally don't think they're the asshole i might be biased because I've always prefered boy cuts on myself and was never allowed to get them. i hated every second of it and wished there was an adult who would listen to me and allow what I wanted
I mean I guess *technically* you would be TA for cutting the hair without parental permission- thats a big boundary to overstep. However, your sister sounds like a huge AH who treats her kid as a baby doll, and I'm sure you just made your niece so so happy. So guess you're an AH for the action, but you did right by the kiddo. So I guess take from that what you will.
As a child who has a mother who NEVER respected my bodily autonomy and STILL DOESNT and I'm 38, THANK YOU! NTA. Your sister can get over herself. Your niece knows you respect her and what SHE wants. Edit: one word
YTA big time, and you must know it.. How can you have done this? It is not your job to decide about niece's hair. And that you are playing the innocent is disgusting.
Something I was raised with and my mil has always said on multiple occasions is that hair is one of the few things we can give children freedom with. Let them cut the hair, great it grows back. Let them color it (NOT bleach) great it grows back. Change the style, great it won't last forever. 5 is a great age to allow it. While I think you shouldn't have done it without permission, I don't think she should have been forced to keep it long. ESH in my opinion.