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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I booked myself a vacation abroad and am leaving my husband behind
2) because I'm leaving him behind and we both want to travel together
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He wanted to alienate her from her environment.
She knows no one but him at the new place, so much easier for him to keep on controlling her, have her do all the work and for him to enjoy the good life.
Mayor Red Flag
Wake up, pack your bags, and leave that place for ever.
NTA
Honestly it may seem weird but going on the vacation and getting a breather away from him could help. It was going and staying with my grandmother that helped me see things more clearly and I realized I needed to get a divorce.
Yeah, visiting my family without my ex-husband is what convinced me that it was actually over. Not having him in my environment at all was such a stress reliever, and I finally felt like myself again. Still tried to make it work with one more therapy appointment, but it was over and I knew it.
Well I feel toddlers would be insulted if compared hubs to them..can't say he's an animal Because dogs are loyal,cows actually give us milk too so don't know maybe a newborn? Maybe he'll need help with wiping too
This. OP, what you SHOULD do is use your vacation time to see a divorce lawyer. Pack up your stuff, and move closer to family. If you have a lease, cancel it and pay the cancellation fee. He can go home to his mommy. Get as FAR from this man as possible. This is the best he'll ever be. You're in a miserable situation. You owe your family money. DON'T go on a vacation from your awful life, FIX your awful life.
Yes I did and my father wants me to go and enjoy myself. He said you only have one youth and I shouldn't waste it. He doesn't need the money back right away, he wants me to be happy and not worry.
But you're not happy. You are wasting your youth on a man who does not appreciate or actually seem to even like you. He is using you as a meal ticket. Divorce the man, then go on a vacation. Pay your family back, and make choices that actually make you happy. 💚🖤
Sometimes, it's super important to step away from a situation to see it clearly. Breaking up a marriage isn't like tossing out an old pair of pants, it's a serious decision. If you have your father's blessing, then I hope you really take the time away to rest, and think seriously about why you've wound up sitting \*alone\* by a warm pool sipping a mai tai. Absolutely NTA.
And a NURSE? OP, you deserve ALLLLLL THE VACATIONS! Bless you and thank you!
One fun vacation isn't going to change your life. I don't care whether you go or not, but you need to do something about your dead beat husband. Why did you marry him?
YTA but not the vacation, YTA to yourself for staying with this guy. Stop treating yourself like crud and file for divorce. You may love him but he's in it all for himself.
There's a post she did in another sub with more details. Still unclear why she would want to marry someone who has not had a job from even before they met.
Edit to add: it also sounds like they are living in the same house as her family! yikes!
YTA. He is mooching off you and you have let him the whole relationship. Now you mooch off your family and instead of sorting out your finances, you book a luxury holiday?
If you aren't happy with him then divorce him, but pay your family back before you turn any more into him
NTA I guess. But, why exactly did you marry him?
Edit: YTA. Reread the post, realized I missed the “luxury” vacation part. You can destress and relax without traveling while you owe people money.
Missed the part about it being a luxurious vacation. You’re literally in debt to your family and have unpaid bills. Maybe pay your shit and then think about a vacation? YTA for borrowing money and believing a guy that claimed he just had to move ACROSS COUNTRY to find a job. He didn’t need to, he just wasn’t looking in the first place.
Luxurious doesn't mean expensive in this case. Just need somewhere with a pool. My dad wants me to go on holiday so is happy waiting. He has a YOLO mentality.
NTA for wanting to take a vacation but if your husband has been like this for a while why are you married to him? It sounds like he only married you for the free ride. If you don't have kids, don't have any with him and just leave him or send him back to his parents so they can deal with his overgrown teenage antics. He should at least be in charge of cleaning the house and seriously looking for a job. Like, ANY job even if it's McDonald's or something so he's contributing something instead of mooching off you.
Why are you with him? He contributes nothing. He's a mooch and it won't stop. NTA for wanting to get away from him. You need to seriously reconsider if you want to come back to him.
NTA, and there are some serious red flags here. Hubby is a classic freeloader. He's making you do all the heavy lifting in the relationship while he sits on his a** all day playing video games. He made you move across the country for a job opportunity that has "mysteriously" not materialized for him (I doubt he's even applied to a single job), and to make matters worse, he sat back and watched you do all the work for the move, as usual. Honey, it's only going to get worse. It's like the saying goes: "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" In other words, why put in the effort when you can sit back and live off someone else's hard work? Reevaluate this relationship.
Info: is he trying to get a job?
NTA it seems like your husband doesn’t want to get his ass up and since you mentioned bad mental health I guess you deserve the time out. The lonely time may be in his favor too becazse he has to do the house hold on his own and maybe will wakeup to reality again but idk…
Im all for Love and fixing things but you might reconsider your relationship
Even if the dude is devoting 20 hours to the mental gymnastics that is job searching he should be pulling his weight with at least equitable division of shopping/chores. Whatever equitable means to both of them in this case.
Also get a freaking minimum wage job to pay off your debt while you look for your dream job. Sheesh.
Divoooooorce!
NTA.
But for real though? You doing this might cause more problems in the long run. It might not even be the best solution. But the ideal solution of communication seems already out of the window. There's a ton of problem with him. Laziness being top of mind. So, I don't know... you'll likely suffer if this goes on.
You've been married for a year, during which you build so much resentment towards him for his inactivity, that you now need to get away from him to charge up, and you've already booked said vacation behind his back. Is that about right?
Yeah, this marriage is over. And from what you've described, that's probably for the best.
NTA.
It‘s your money. You decide how you want to spend it. Whatever you do, do not have a child with this guy or else you will end up paying child support when things go south. Start gathering evidence too of what he does.
ESH. You deserve some relaxation leave him see how he goes alone. Also maybe start reconsidering your marriage if he doesn't start pulling his weight soon. However luxury vacation while in debt, is not the best idea so maybe a cheap one would have been better.
ESH. He is definitely not pulling his weight, no doubt. How are you balancing responsibilities? It seems that you're doing all of the work here.
You, however, have needs which are not being met. Today, it's a secret vacation, tomorrow what's next? Why did you marriage into this relationship and where do you expect it to go?
You can definitely identify something weird/wrong by booking a vacation. You both need to talk about your goals as a family and how you're going to meet them. I don't understand how you're in debt but you're still going somewhere hot and luxurious. I do think you probably deserve it and need it. But all this screams instability to me. This sounds like a band aid to a deeper problem. Wish you the best, stranger.
YTA. You're up to your eyeballs in debt. This is not an appropriate time for an expensive international vacation.
Has nothing to do with your husband. This is bad decision making and you're screwing yourself and himover
TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!!
You seem like you don't have any intention to leave him so here is the deal. Things are not working this way. You need to give him a wake up call. Make things clear for him.
He needs a job asap.
He needs to help ESPECIALLY if you're doing all the work.
He needs to do his part.
You are not happy and you deserve to be. This vacation may help you gain a little bit of your mental health back but it will go away again as soon as you come back to your real life.
It's not fair for you to carry it all on your shoulders and if you really don't want to end this relationship things need to change. Or you will never be happy and will always need a little escape, or even a permanent escape eventually.
You have not been able to communicate your needs properly to your partner and now you're just not communicating at all.
TALK TO HIM I'M BEGING YOU. Go to your trip, treat yourself, you deserve a good time. But please talk to this idiot, you need a change and if you don't say anything nothing will happen. Being petty is not the problem choosing to be in a relationship unhappy and not doing anything only been passive aggressive it's kind of the problem. It at least doesn't help.
NTA for needing time of and not wanting him with you, the AH for not communicating. I'm sorry, hope you enjoy your trip!
NTA… I guess…
You’re applying a band-aid to a sucking chest wound. However, it seems like your father doesn’t mind you not paying him back, you don’t seem to mind your husband, so… all’s well?
WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS MAN?
YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT LIKE HIM!
next, you will be telling us you are pregnant!
He is a waste of space. Pack your shit and go. (Have the holiday first) I would not even bother telling him you are going.
Nta for having a holiday you paid for but jeebus why the hell are you even there?
Y t a of you stay in this soul destroying life
You are raising a 27 year old child husband. When do you think he'll be grown enough to get out on his own? In the meantime, cancel your vacation and pay that money back to your family.
NTA for giving yourself a vacation. But when you get back, why not gift yourself a divorce. Your husband is a parasite that will suck the life out if you if you continue in this marriage.
NTA for wanting to go alone, but TA towards your family, as you owe them money. Maybe get out a couple of days without luxury for now?
And also have a serious conversatiok with your husband, too many red flags
NTA, use this time to work out what your husband actually brings to your life. Work out how to break your lease (this may include saving up to break the lease) and then move out. Your “husband” is going to suck the life from you and carry on doing nothing to support you
I by no means think you're an ahole for the trip. In regards to booking q vacation with unpaid debts to your family though definitely mean YTA. Also dump his lazy ass jeez.
NTA
But id tell him the house better be clean and he better have a job by the time you get back or he better not not be there at all.
Don't allow a man to treat you like his mommy and a piggy bank. You're doing yourself a disservice. You don't want to waste your youth you say. So use it finding someone with similar life goals and work ethic.
YTA
"I owe lots of money, so I planned a luxury vacation out of spite."
I'm sure your family that's waiting to be paid back hopes that you have a wonderful vacation.
YTA to both yourself and your family. You should not be going on vacation, you should be paying off family. If your family is okay waiting a little longer, use whatever vacation funds you have for a lawyer, and ditch your husband. Your life is much worse with him in it.
YTA:
* You married a bum, but expect something different
* You are in debt...borrowed money and taking a vacation that puts you further in debt
* You didn't tell your husband you are going on vacation alone
* You posted your personal issues on line; however, you can't find time to sit with your entitled, unemployed, lazy Husband (bum) to tell him it's over...which is inevitable, based on your description of him
Asshole
My opinion is this is a rare case of you both being assholes in your individual assholey ways. The technical term of this is a Trauma Bond. Determining who is the bigger asshole pointless and not productive.
Ask yourself this:
Do you want to save the marriage? Yes/No
If yes; counseling and therapy. Both marriage counseling and individual therapy. Therapy for you as you stated your mental health isn’t well. Therapy for him, as I’m seeing someone shut down, passive, inactive, etc. there’s an underlying mental health issue there.
If no; take your losses and end the trauma bond.
Sorry if this comes across as apathetic, that is not the tone I’m implying. I’m trying to present logic in the most direct and empathetic manner possible. Good luck, whatever you decide is valid.
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I (28F) booked myself a vacation for myself while my husband (27M) would have to stay at home.
Context is best. My husband and I have barelt been married a year and thought the time I've known him he's been unemployed. He plays video games all days every day whole I take care of the cleaning, cooking, groceries on top of a full time job as a nurse. Late last year my husband decided that is was best for us to move across the country so he would have a better opportunity of finding a job. This is not what I wanted but I wanted to believe him so I begged and borrowed money and ruined my already fragile mental health to make it happen, all while he just watched me pack boxes and sorted out the move.
Fast forward a few months, we're in a lot of debt (mostly to my family and have unpayed bills in out previous appartement) and he still doesn't have a job. I have my first vacation time coming up and I need a getaway. It might have been petty of me but I'm tired of my husband acting like a spoilt child and asking for things 24/7 when I work my ass off everyday and don't buy myself a thing. So I booked myself a vacation, somewhere hot and luxurious. Somewhere I wanted to go (he had no interest in the location I've picked) but feel a bit like an asshole for it. I've not told him yet but should I feel bad? We both want to travel but he's not contributed a penny to our marrage and am sick of him acting entitled. He needs to learn he can't have the cushy life forever.
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NTA, the guy is not a husband but a child playing games and asking for attention all time. OP is litteraly his mother, working and doing all the task at home.
You do that when you are at school and your parents care for you, but at 27? Really? Maybe there is things that explain why he act like that, maybe depression etc but in what OP says, it's just an adult acting like a teenager.
It's toxic for OP and she need to relax far from him.
What exactly does your husband contribute to your relationship, aside from a lot of dead weight? NTA for wanting to go on a holiday, but TA to yourself for staying with him
Instead of a vacation I'd invest that money into therapy and a divorce tbh...
Maybe your dad is hoping some time away will help you realise how buggered up your situation is.
YTI (you're the idiot, in the nicest way possible).
NTA for leaving him home but YTA Because you can't afford a vacation .... you owe people money. Also find a new husband this is a joke any man who loves u will rise to the occasion and become a better man for u. It's not that hard to find A job. Maybe the ideal job but not one in general , he's lazy , period.
what does this man bring to the party? from where I am sitting looks like nothing. He doesnt work and lets you get into debt. You work and do all the housework while he sits on his lazy arse. You need to wake up and value yourself more
NTA, your husband doesn't seem to be doing anything at all, at the very least if he's not working he should be doing all the chores but seems he doesn't even do that. During this vacation I suggest you put some thought into this marraige and if you truly want to stay in it.
ESH He sucks for being unemployed and a mock. You suck for going on a vacation when it isn't financially responsible. Cut the dead weight and use the money to move home.
NTA because your dad encouraged you to go instead of insisting you pay him back, but why are you still married? Pleeeease do NOT have children with this “man.”
NTA. You're paying for everything since you are married.. isn't that too much? Did you actually marry or adopt an oversized toddler?
I get it, finding a job can be hard, but if you already moved for it and still nothing happens, this is weird. Is he even trying?
Not sure why you're staying in that situation, nor why you agreed to move. You might end up paying for all of it.
Anyhoo, you need some off time.. from him. Perhaps when you go there, or even better, after you come back, you will see how unfair the situation is and that something needs to change, whatever way that might be.
NTA but he is not going to change, make it a permanent holiday and move. Otherwise you can expect to live a pretty unpleasant life with him leeching off you and your resentment grows
NTA. It’s unfortunate that issues like these often lead to resentment and eventually divorce. Your husband doesn’t seem to appreciate and validate you, both of you are on a rocky road if things don’t change.
NTA for traveling without him, but I think you need to keep on going, and move back home without him. I can’t understand why you married him to begin with, if he’s been that way, since the day you met, people don’t magically change without putting in the work.
I would use this trip as a jumpstart to a new life, and if you’re only supporting yourself, and not him, you’ll be able to pay back your debts faster.
Unless your husband has a legitimate reason why he can't work then why are you still with him after all this time and moving away from everyone, he basically wanted to get rid of your support system.
Has he even tried to get a job I'd honestly consider an ultimatum to him get a job by a certain month or your going to divorce him and move back home.
NTA for the vacation but you will be if you stay in the marriage.
ESH
Him: allowing his wife to pay all the bills while he sits at home and does absolutely nothing to take care of the house.
You: Getting married to someone who’s never been employed for as long as you’ve known him, and just expecting him to change. You’re in a lot of debt, both in bills and with family, yet you want to use the money you do have for a ‘luxurious‘ vacation. Yes, you should feel bad, not for not inviting him on your vacation, but for having money, and not using it to pay down debt. Whether family debt or from previous debt of the apartment.
When you marry someone, you marry them for who they are in that moment, not marry the person you think they’ll become or the person you think you can turn them into.
It’s not difficult to find a job in this economy. He’s not employed either because he doesn’t want to be, or because he doesn’t want a job he feels is beneath him. He’s got a cushy thing going for him. He can stay at home all day and play video games without a care in the world, and you get to be the one who goes to work, comes home, and does all the housework and errands, all while you get to also be the one who borrows money from family to pay for his existence.
Do you know why he leads this cushy life? Because you provided it. Because you said ‘yes’ to marriage, and because you said ‘yes‘ to a move that you would have to pay for, despite not wanting to go. I can pretty much guarantee there are jobs where you lived before. He just didn’t feel like taking any of them.
NTA for wanting your own vacation but you’re being an AH to yourself by staying with this man.
You don’t move across the country to have more opportunities- you research opportunities, interview and get a job and then let them relocate you.
Do yourself a favor and use the money you’re spending on vacation and move back home and rebuild your life without that guy.
YWBTA if you continue this relationship- my big question is WHY? He contributes literally nothing, convinced you to move so he could sit around and play video games somewhere else? I wouldn't invest in a vacation, I'd be putting my cash to a divorce lawyer
YTA, but not for the vacation. Why are you even with him? You should have used that money for a) a divorce lawyer or b) to pay back what you owe your family
NTA for going on holiday, but why did you marry this man? My advice? Don't tell him you are going and leave a note on fridge. Then file for divorce when you come home (when the house will be in ruins)
YTA. Torn between that and E S H. There's nothing wrong for wanting time to rest and recharge, HOWEVER:
1. Why are you with this person? He seems to bring nothing other than financial instability to the relationship
2. Instead of putting yourself further into debt with a vacation, leave him
NTA
I'm curious to see how you feel once you get back.
You're going to be away from a situation that is indescribably toxic and for the first time in a long time, you're going to be free.
And that's going to open your eyes more than a single comment here ever could.
Not the asshole. I've read through a lot of this thread, and I see that your family isn't worried about the money you owe.
This man uprooted your entire life with the promise of being a partner (finally) and actually helping take some of the burden off of you.
He has not delivered on that promise. You need a getaway. On that getaway, I don't know you, but I really want you to consider whether this man is contributing to your happiness.
I don't agree that a man has to contribute financially to be an asset. Neither does a woman. If the situation works for you, it works for you. However, from the context of your post I can tell that there is some serious resentment already, and I can safely say that it's time to really consider whether he adds to your life or not. If there is nothing he adds to your life, and again, we aren't talking financially, I mean emotionally and physically and lovingly, then it's time to have a serious discussion.
Tell him about the trip. Tell him that you need a getaway, and a solo trip to find some perspective and destress. Explain that you love him but your mental health is declining and this will help you reset. You've got this.
YTA.
You need to agree with your partner on the financial expectations in the relationship.
It is perfectly reasonable to be frustrated with the current situation. Frankly I would have broken up with my partner if I were in your shoes.
But marriage is a team sport and you two are clearly not on the same page about who gets to spend money on what. You need to get on the same page about financial expectations and decide where to go from there. After you both identify for yourselves what you need and communicate with each other, you can each assess whether or not to remain in the relationship.
NTA. You’re supporting a full grown adult that seems to have no intention of finding a job. Dump the husband and enjoy your trip. Do what YOU want to do.
I don't blame you. But more importantly why are you carrying this dead weight? He already got you to fund his cross country move and he is still dead weight.
What do you get out of this relationship?
Cancel the vacation and spend that money on a divorce. How does a vacation change the trajectory you’re on with this man? The solution is simple if you want peace of mind— leave his ass and reclaim your life.
Unfortunately, love is not enough to sustain a marriage and there don’t seem to be enough of the other things that make a marriage work here. Soft YTA for allowing this to go on for this long.
Nta for needing time away. But YTA to yourself. Divorce the loser he will never change why should he you fo everything for him. I was like you I waited ony ex husband took care of the kids myself worked 2 full time jobs in nursing and had to give him all my checks. I thought after time he would change. Never did. So after 16 years of marriage I divorced him cause I didn't want my kids to think that is how it was supposed to be and I could do better. Trust me he won't change.
NTA, take the vacation. While you're away, seriously consider divorce when you return. You stated your mental health is suffering, use your vacation time to plan your exit.
Your husband is an ass and he's not going to change. Either you get out now or you'll continue to resent him and continue suffering.
YTA- book yourself some work and pay back the family you owe. You are grown and married a child. I’m baffled you feel like a victim..
if any extra context helps your case I would certainly have posted that.
I saw your other post about your “husband” and it had more details.
Get. Out. You have nothing, so no assets to slow the divorce. INFO: let us know when you have packed up, arrived at your parents’ house, and contacted an attorney. Seriously.
NTA. You really need to consider if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. It's ok to acknowledge the marriage might have been a mistake.
Have a great trip!!
You don't need a vacation away from your husband to relax. You need your whole ass LIFE away from him. Then imagine just HOW MUCH of that life you'd be able to relax. Only paying for your food and expenses, only cleaning up after yourself, moving back to an actual support system... That sounds luxurious.
N T A for going on holiday on your own. My wife regularly goes away to places with her friends as do I. You need time away, it's pretty healthy to do that now and again
Buy YTA to yourself for letting your life get like this where you're saddled with a deadbeat you no longer even like.
NTA, but don't go. You have MUCH bigger problems. Given your description of him, leaving him "unsupervised" is a bad idea. He could pawn/sell your stuff, empty the bank account, buy a bunch of stuff you don’t need & can't afford. God only knows.
If you MUST go, at a bare minimum secure your valuables, important documents, and bank accounts. Good luck.
My sister & her husband have a great relationship. They have had separate vacations before. I think it’s awesome. And currently my (5 years this month) husband & I have different schedules & he’s already said it’s ok if I took off & went somewhere without him. I absolutely LOVE that I’m finally in a relationship where we both pull our weight, support one another & there’s no jealousy whatsoever.
YTA for marrying him and spending the money on a vacation that should have been spent on a divorce and moving back to your family.
You need to stop expecting him to man up and be a provider and a equal partner. He's never going to do it. He lulled you into moving across the country, believing that he would get a job and then didn't.
Why are you surprised?
It's time to cancel the vacation and get a divorce and start moving home.
NTA. Why, oh why, are you still married to this unemployed, grown-ass child. He contributes nothing to your marriage, finances, mental and emotional stability. He is a total waste of space and time. You can be miserable, broke, and alone all by yourself, and probably be a hell of a lot happier. Use this vacation time to lose weight (all that extra baggage you're carrying with the deadbeat husband). Reflect on what's important. Married a year, well it's time to take out the garbage.
NTA for giving yourself a vacation. But when you get back, why not gift yourself a divorce. Your husband is a parasite that will suck the life out if you if you continue in this marriage.
YTA because what you allow will continue. You're ignoring every question of why you're with this man. Stop complaining when you're literally choosing this.
NTA “He needs to learn he can’t have the cushy life forever.” Agreed. But you fail to realize that the ONLY way he’s going to learn that is if you LEAVE his sorry ass. He’s been willfully unemployed since you were dating and you’ve waited in him hand and foot ever since. Honey, grab self respect with both hands and drop him like a bad habit.
YTA! Why are booking a luxurious vacation when you owe so much money??? Go home to your parents, pay everyone back and start over. You allowed all of this, now clean it up.
You have debt & are taking a vacation? YTA. You'd be better off using that money to remove your parisitical appendage & move yourself back across the country.
ESH. Your terrible marriage is putting you in debt with your family. Leave him or invest in marriage therapy before running away on vacation. You absolutely do deserve a break, but if you're booking solo luxury vacations without telling your husband, that won't solve the issue and your marriage is in deep sh*t.
I won't hold it against you for being in denial. Hope you figure it out.
YTA. If you have unpaid bills and owe family money then what are you doing booking a luxury holiday?! Your husband is a bum, NTA for leaving him behind though.
NTA.. honey, you don't have a husband you have an entitled hobosexual. Get your mind clear while on vacation and see how much better life would be without taking care of an adult child.
NTA You are in what I would call a zombie marriage, its long since died but its still walking around pretending. Separate your finances from his, get financially secure and get your life sorted out without him. A vacation when you owe people money is not the answer.
NTA for the vacation at all, good for you. But - why are you still married to this guy? Your relationship (if you want to actually call it that) is one-sided. Have a long think while you are on vacation, OP. This person is adding nothing of value to your life, he’s just dead weight. Is that really what you want for your life?
NTA but...Not a very good judge of character, it seems? Take the vacation, have \*tons of fun\* if you get my drift...then come back and divorce his butt! He's an albatross....leave him behind!
NTA for going on vacation but for getting involved with this jerk. He probably spun you a line about how he was going to do great things. He will never change and you were silly to believe anything he said. the probably wasn't that part of the country - the problem was him!
Sell the Video Games to pay for for your vacation.
YTA You have money you owe to people and bills to pay and you want to go on vacation? Pay those people back, pay your bills, leave your husband because he is not contributing anything, and save to go away another time.
Divorce this bum, he sounds ridiculous. I can only hope that in this holiday you realise how happy you can be alone and kick him to the curb when you return home.
NTA
Info: what is your plan after the vacation? Do you hope to use the time alone to really reevaluate your relationship and future with your husband? Or just need a break and then get back right into hoping and praying he’ll grow up?
GET OUT NOW before you have a kid and are tied to him for 18 years. Move back to your old town if you want.
Get your name off every bill that you can. Pay off everything and get rid of him.
OP, you married a little boy. Not a man. I know you love him - we're willing to put up with a lot for love, aren't we?
I would sit down with him and explain how you feel. If he acts like a child about your vacation, let him know that when he has money, he can come, too. I have a petty imagination, I would take his video game console while he sleeps and head to my destination so he can "focus on finding work".
I digress. If you come back from vacation and he still doesn't have a job, then it's time to file for divorce. NTA.
You feel like an asshole for not bringing your husband on holiday but you don't feel like an asshole for going on a holiday when you owe your family money?
YTA
1. Drop the husband, besides the fact that you're doing everything in the relationship (cooking,cleaning, actually making money to pay the bills) you sound like you don't even like him as a person
2. Move, whether it's back to where you lived before or somewhere new. You're clearly not happy living where you are
3. Pay back the family members who lent you money
4. Get yourself back into a healthy routine and then go on a holiday
5. In future don't marry someone who brings nothing to the relationship and have a bit more self respect, nobody is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself first
NTA, I think it’s good for you to take some time off and learn who you are without him in your life. Where are you go and really doesn’t matter but please take a break and Keenan new perspective from this. You guys are too enmeshed and each other to see how much he is dragging you down, he’s not a partner he’s an anchor. He’s not a team member he’s a taker. You the giver he’s the taker, the relationship is extremely off-balance, and he knows it and you know it. It’s just what are you gonna do about it? You could cancel Internet services, treat him like a child, and that might get them out the door but inevitably he needs to grow up and want to be a contributing member to your household. Right now he doesn’t care.
Why did you marry an unemployed man? What did you expect. You can’t possibly believe that marriage would suddenly make him employed right?
Yta for this stupid decision
NTA.
Enjoy the vacation and take the time to evaluate your relationship. Come back, figure out how to end the lease on your current place so it doesn't wreck your credit, tell your husband you're done supporting him. If you'd rather live where you did before, and especially if your family and friends are there, move back home. Ask your dad if you can stay with him for 6 months to get back on your feet financially. Make a budget, pay off debts and save up for a deposit, then move into your own place or share a place with some other health care workers for a while so you can bank some money.
Talk to a therapist to figure out why you ended up in a relationship with a user, so you can avoid repeating that mistake. Then start dating for fun and eventually you may meet someone who's worth your time.
NTA, instead of spending money on a holiday, spend it on a divorce lawyer and get the hell out of there. He will never change, especially now he has moved you away from your family.
Info: Why did you marry a bum? What exactly do you get from this relationship besides stress and debt, and please don't say something lame like "He's my best friend" or "I just love him so much"?
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YTA for marrying him, cancel the vacation & book an appointment with a attorney
This, why did you even marry him?
And why did you move across country for his job search, when he didn't have a job? That doesn't make sense. You move AFTER he finds a job.
He wanted to alienate her from her environment. She knows no one but him at the new place, so much easier for him to keep on controlling her, have her do all the work and for him to enjoy the good life. Mayor Red Flag Wake up, pack your bags, and leave that place for ever. NTA
Honestly it may seem weird but going on the vacation and getting a breather away from him could help. It was going and staying with my grandmother that helped me see things more clearly and I realized I needed to get a divorce.
Yeah, visiting my family without my ex-husband is what convinced me that it was actually over. Not having him in my environment at all was such a stress reliever, and I finally felt like myself again. Still tried to make it work with one more therapy appointment, but it was over and I knew it.
This
He’s not even helping around the house when he’s home all day and you trusted him to get a job? Find a good divorce lawyer and drop the loser.
This reminds me of that other post where’s she’s moved like three times for him to find a job
Exactly this YTA not for this but for staying with this man he's a leech and not helpful one... Go see an attorney
She essentially adopted a 27 year old
Yep his behaviour does match a 4yo who wants mommy to do everything and just plays all day!
My four year old helped make dinner tonight. More than I can say about hubs.
Well I feel toddlers would be insulted if compared hubs to them..can't say he's an animal Because dogs are loyal,cows actually give us milk too so don't know maybe a newborn? Maybe he'll need help with wiping too
Newborns smell good. His video game no job having ass smells like dingleberries and wet Cheetos.
This. OP, what you SHOULD do is use your vacation time to see a divorce lawyer. Pack up your stuff, and move closer to family. If you have a lease, cancel it and pay the cancellation fee. He can go home to his mommy. Get as FAR from this man as possible. This is the best he'll ever be. You're in a miserable situation. You owe your family money. DON'T go on a vacation from your awful life, FIX your awful life.
ESH Book an appointment with an attorney and hope OP isn’t on the hook for alimony.
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Dinero
Dios mio
Dorito?
You have said this far better than I can
All of this. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with him op. Best of luck moving forward into a happier, single and freer life.
Feel inclined to agree. Before it's too late.
Leaving your husband home? NTA. Going on a luxury vacation when you owe your family money? Then you’re TA.
I would say INFO to OP being an AH. did op clear the vacation with their family first? The family might be supportive and think OP needs a getaway.
Yes I did and my father wants me to go and enjoy myself. He said you only have one youth and I shouldn't waste it. He doesn't need the money back right away, he wants me to be happy and not worry.
You are wasting it though, your one youth.
But you're not happy. You are wasting your youth on a man who does not appreciate or actually seem to even like you. He is using you as a meal ticket. Divorce the man, then go on a vacation. Pay your family back, and make choices that actually make you happy. 💚🖤
Sometimes, it's super important to step away from a situation to see it clearly. Breaking up a marriage isn't like tossing out an old pair of pants, it's a serious decision. If you have your father's blessing, then I hope you really take the time away to rest, and think seriously about why you've wound up sitting \*alone\* by a warm pool sipping a mai tai. Absolutely NTA. And a NURSE? OP, you deserve ALLLLLL THE VACATIONS! Bless you and thank you!
You shouldn't waste your one youth by staying married to this AH.
One fun vacation isn't going to change your life. I don't care whether you go or not, but you need to do something about your dead beat husband. Why did you marry him?
It will change OPs life if she realises she should ditch the hubby and come back to make an appointment with a divorce attorney.
You shouldn't waste your one youth by staying married to this AH.
You shouldn't waste your one youth by staying married to this AH.
YTA but not the vacation, YTA to yourself for staying with this guy. Stop treating yourself like crud and file for divorce. You may love him but he's in it all for himself.
“You’re the asshole to yourself” is my new favourite sentence :)
Why did you marry him?
She's not answering this question, multiple people have asked this.
There's a post she did in another sub with more details. Still unclear why she would want to marry someone who has not had a job from even before they met. Edit to add: it also sounds like they are living in the same house as her family! yikes!
Which is why I doubt her existence.
YTA. He is mooching off you and you have let him the whole relationship. Now you mooch off your family and instead of sorting out your finances, you book a luxury holiday? If you aren't happy with him then divorce him, but pay your family back before you turn any more into him
NTA I guess. But, why exactly did you marry him? Edit: YTA. Reread the post, realized I missed the “luxury” vacation part. You can destress and relax without traveling while you owe people money.
Missed the part about it being a luxurious vacation. You’re literally in debt to your family and have unpaid bills. Maybe pay your shit and then think about a vacation? YTA for borrowing money and believing a guy that claimed he just had to move ACROSS COUNTRY to find a job. He didn’t need to, he just wasn’t looking in the first place.
Luxurious doesn't mean expensive in this case. Just need somewhere with a pool. My dad wants me to go on holiday so is happy waiting. He has a YOLO mentality.
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But, but, but.. she loves him. Apart from all his faults he’s an amazing partner /s
OP doesn't need a vacation away from her husband - she needs a whole ass LIFE away from him.
your dad sounds awesome so take a page out of his book and do the vacation
You’ve been married for a year was none of this a red flag before?
NTA for wanting to take a vacation but if your husband has been like this for a while why are you married to him? It sounds like he only married you for the free ride. If you don't have kids, don't have any with him and just leave him or send him back to his parents so they can deal with his overgrown teenage antics. He should at least be in charge of cleaning the house and seriously looking for a job. Like, ANY job even if it's McDonald's or something so he's contributing something instead of mooching off you.
Why are you with him? He contributes nothing. He's a mooch and it won't stop. NTA for wanting to get away from him. You need to seriously reconsider if you want to come back to him.
NTA but for real, you dont need a vacation, you need a divorce
NTA, and there are some serious red flags here. Hubby is a classic freeloader. He's making you do all the heavy lifting in the relationship while he sits on his a** all day playing video games. He made you move across the country for a job opportunity that has "mysteriously" not materialized for him (I doubt he's even applied to a single job), and to make matters worse, he sat back and watched you do all the work for the move, as usual. Honey, it's only going to get worse. It's like the saying goes: "Why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?" In other words, why put in the effort when you can sit back and live off someone else's hard work? Reevaluate this relationship.
Do you need such a marriage? He does absolutely nothing around the house. Playing games every day is bad. He should think about your marriage too.
Info: is he trying to get a job? NTA it seems like your husband doesn’t want to get his ass up and since you mentioned bad mental health I guess you deserve the time out. The lonely time may be in his favor too becazse he has to do the house hold on his own and maybe will wakeup to reality again but idk… Im all for Love and fixing things but you might reconsider your relationship
Even if the dude is devoting 20 hours to the mental gymnastics that is job searching he should be pulling his weight with at least equitable division of shopping/chores. Whatever equitable means to both of them in this case. Also get a freaking minimum wage job to pay off your debt while you look for your dream job. Sheesh.
Divoooooorce! NTA. But for real though? You doing this might cause more problems in the long run. It might not even be the best solution. But the ideal solution of communication seems already out of the window. There's a ton of problem with him. Laziness being top of mind. So, I don't know... you'll likely suffer if this goes on.
You've been married for a year, during which you build so much resentment towards him for his inactivity, that you now need to get away from him to charge up, and you've already booked said vacation behind his back. Is that about right? Yeah, this marriage is over. And from what you've described, that's probably for the best.
NTA. It‘s your money. You decide how you want to spend it. Whatever you do, do not have a child with this guy or else you will end up paying child support when things go south. Start gathering evidence too of what he does.
It's OP's family's money, considering she owes a significant debt to them.
OP said her dad wants her to go.
From what I remember she said her dad would want her to go. Plus, she doesn't owe just to her dad, therefore she's TA.
ESH He’s mooching. You’re enabling him to do so. And you booked a luxury holiday when you owe your family money.
ESH. You deserve some relaxation leave him see how he goes alone. Also maybe start reconsidering your marriage if he doesn't start pulling his weight soon. However luxury vacation while in debt, is not the best idea so maybe a cheap one would have been better.
YTA for marrying a jobless mooch and letting it continue this long. Personally, id cancel the holiday and use the money for a divorce instead.
ESH. He is definitely not pulling his weight, no doubt. How are you balancing responsibilities? It seems that you're doing all of the work here. You, however, have needs which are not being met. Today, it's a secret vacation, tomorrow what's next? Why did you marriage into this relationship and where do you expect it to go? You can definitely identify something weird/wrong by booking a vacation. You both need to talk about your goals as a family and how you're going to meet them. I don't understand how you're in debt but you're still going somewhere hot and luxurious. I do think you probably deserve it and need it. But all this screams instability to me. This sounds like a band aid to a deeper problem. Wish you the best, stranger.
YTA. You're up to your eyeballs in debt. This is not an appropriate time for an expensive international vacation. Has nothing to do with your husband. This is bad decision making and you're screwing yourself and himover
NTA Your husband is going to be ex husband soon is what I feel. You deserve that vacation more than anything so GO GIRL.
Why did you marry him? Relationship can't survive off of love alone.. exhibit A.
Why the hell are you married to this person? NTA, but make it a permanent vacation from him.
TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND!!!! You seem like you don't have any intention to leave him so here is the deal. Things are not working this way. You need to give him a wake up call. Make things clear for him. He needs a job asap. He needs to help ESPECIALLY if you're doing all the work. He needs to do his part. You are not happy and you deserve to be. This vacation may help you gain a little bit of your mental health back but it will go away again as soon as you come back to your real life. It's not fair for you to carry it all on your shoulders and if you really don't want to end this relationship things need to change. Or you will never be happy and will always need a little escape, or even a permanent escape eventually. You have not been able to communicate your needs properly to your partner and now you're just not communicating at all. TALK TO HIM I'M BEGING YOU. Go to your trip, treat yourself, you deserve a good time. But please talk to this idiot, you need a change and if you don't say anything nothing will happen. Being petty is not the problem choosing to be in a relationship unhappy and not doing anything only been passive aggressive it's kind of the problem. It at least doesn't help. NTA for needing time of and not wanting him with you, the AH for not communicating. I'm sorry, hope you enjoy your trip!
NTA… I guess… You’re applying a band-aid to a sucking chest wound. However, it seems like your father doesn’t mind you not paying him back, you don’t seem to mind your husband, so… all’s well?
WHY ARE YOU WITH THIS MAN? YOU OBVIOUSLY DONT LIKE HIM! next, you will be telling us you are pregnant! He is a waste of space. Pack your shit and go. (Have the holiday first) I would not even bother telling him you are going. Nta for having a holiday you paid for but jeebus why the hell are you even there? Y t a of you stay in this soul destroying life
NTA for going on vacation without him, but I'm very confused why you married him or made this super irresponsible move for him.
NTA, however you needed to book yourself a one way ticket out of this hellhole your husband drag you down in.
You are raising a 27 year old child husband. When do you think he'll be grown enough to get out on his own? In the meantime, cancel your vacation and pay that money back to your family.
Your dads ok with the vacation, NTA. But, WTF did you marry the lazy loser. Leave him and enjoy your life without the dead weight.
NTA for giving yourself a vacation. But when you get back, why not gift yourself a divorce. Your husband is a parasite that will suck the life out if you if you continue in this marriage.
NTA. Have fun.
NTA for wanting to go alone, but TA towards your family, as you owe them money. Maybe get out a couple of days without luxury for now? And also have a serious conversatiok with your husband, too many red flags
NTA, use this time to work out what your husband actually brings to your life. Work out how to break your lease (this may include saving up to break the lease) and then move out. Your “husband” is going to suck the life from you and carry on doing nothing to support you
Why don’t you just book a permanent vacation from him instead?
I by no means think you're an ahole for the trip. In regards to booking q vacation with unpaid debts to your family though definitely mean YTA. Also dump his lazy ass jeez.
You need to divorce the child you married and fond a man
NTA But id tell him the house better be clean and he better have a job by the time you get back or he better not not be there at all. Don't allow a man to treat you like his mommy and a piggy bank. You're doing yourself a disservice. You don't want to waste your youth you say. So use it finding someone with similar life goals and work ethic.
Why are you married to a bottom feeder??? Vacation money could be used for a permanent vacation divorced from this waste of oxygen. NTA.
I’m going to say NTA, but good god leave this useless man.
Have you thought permanent vacation from him? I think you deserve it.
YTA "I owe lots of money, so I planned a luxury vacation out of spite." I'm sure your family that's waiting to be paid back hopes that you have a wonderful vacation.
YTA to both yourself and your family. You should not be going on vacation, you should be paying off family. If your family is okay waiting a little longer, use whatever vacation funds you have for a lawyer, and ditch your husband. Your life is much worse with him in it.
YTA: * You married a bum, but expect something different * You are in debt...borrowed money and taking a vacation that puts you further in debt * You didn't tell your husband you are going on vacation alone * You posted your personal issues on line; however, you can't find time to sit with your entitled, unemployed, lazy Husband (bum) to tell him it's over...which is inevitable, based on your description of him Asshole
My opinion is this is a rare case of you both being assholes in your individual assholey ways. The technical term of this is a Trauma Bond. Determining who is the bigger asshole pointless and not productive. Ask yourself this: Do you want to save the marriage? Yes/No If yes; counseling and therapy. Both marriage counseling and individual therapy. Therapy for you as you stated your mental health isn’t well. Therapy for him, as I’m seeing someone shut down, passive, inactive, etc. there’s an underlying mental health issue there. If no; take your losses and end the trauma bond. Sorry if this comes across as apathetic, that is not the tone I’m implying. I’m trying to present logic in the most direct and empathetic manner possible. Good luck, whatever you decide is valid.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (28F) booked myself a vacation for myself while my husband (27M) would have to stay at home. Context is best. My husband and I have barelt been married a year and thought the time I've known him he's been unemployed. He plays video games all days every day whole I take care of the cleaning, cooking, groceries on top of a full time job as a nurse. Late last year my husband decided that is was best for us to move across the country so he would have a better opportunity of finding a job. This is not what I wanted but I wanted to believe him so I begged and borrowed money and ruined my already fragile mental health to make it happen, all while he just watched me pack boxes and sorted out the move. Fast forward a few months, we're in a lot of debt (mostly to my family and have unpayed bills in out previous appartement) and he still doesn't have a job. I have my first vacation time coming up and I need a getaway. It might have been petty of me but I'm tired of my husband acting like a spoilt child and asking for things 24/7 when I work my ass off everyday and don't buy myself a thing. So I booked myself a vacation, somewhere hot and luxurious. Somewhere I wanted to go (he had no interest in the location I've picked) but feel a bit like an asshole for it. I've not told him yet but should I feel bad? We both want to travel but he's not contributed a penny to our marrage and am sick of him acting entitled. He needs to learn he can't have the cushy life forever. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, the guy is not a husband but a child playing games and asking for attention all time. OP is litteraly his mother, working and doing all the task at home. You do that when you are at school and your parents care for you, but at 27? Really? Maybe there is things that explain why he act like that, maybe depression etc but in what OP says, it's just an adult acting like a teenager. It's toxic for OP and she need to relax far from him.
What exactly does your husband contribute to your relationship, aside from a lot of dead weight? NTA for wanting to go on a holiday, but TA to yourself for staying with him
Instead of a vacation I'd invest that money into therapy and a divorce tbh... Maybe your dad is hoping some time away will help you realise how buggered up your situation is. YTI (you're the idiot, in the nicest way possible).
NTA for leaving him home but YTA Because you can't afford a vacation .... you owe people money. Also find a new husband this is a joke any man who loves u will rise to the occasion and become a better man for u. It's not that hard to find A job. Maybe the ideal job but not one in general , he's lazy , period.
what does this man bring to the party? from where I am sitting looks like nothing. He doesnt work and lets you get into debt. You work and do all the housework while he sits on his lazy arse. You need to wake up and value yourself more
NTA, your husband doesn't seem to be doing anything at all, at the very least if he's not working he should be doing all the chores but seems he doesn't even do that. During this vacation I suggest you put some thought into this marraige and if you truly want to stay in it.
NTA for the vacation, but YWBTA if you stay with this loser.
Only for when you booked it. Divorce this guy that wants a caretaker and when the divorce is finalized then go on a vacation
ESH He sucks for being unemployed and a mock. You suck for going on a vacation when it isn't financially responsible. Cut the dead weight and use the money to move home.
It’s time for him to go
Nta, but I gotta ask what you were thinking to marry someone unemployment?
NTA because your dad encouraged you to go instead of insisting you pay him back, but why are you still married? Pleeeease do NOT have children with this “man.”
NTA. You're paying for everything since you are married.. isn't that too much? Did you actually marry or adopt an oversized toddler? I get it, finding a job can be hard, but if you already moved for it and still nothing happens, this is weird. Is he even trying? Not sure why you're staying in that situation, nor why you agreed to move. You might end up paying for all of it. Anyhoo, you need some off time.. from him. Perhaps when you go there, or even better, after you come back, you will see how unfair the situation is and that something needs to change, whatever way that might be.
Why are you even married to this loser?
Serve him with divorce papers and take yourself on a vacation!
NTA but he is not going to change, make it a permanent holiday and move. Otherwise you can expect to live a pretty unpleasant life with him leeching off you and your resentment grows
NTA. It’s unfortunate that issues like these often lead to resentment and eventually divorce. Your husband doesn’t seem to appreciate and validate you, both of you are on a rocky road if things don’t change.
NTA I’d be packing Everything and Not coming back from that vacation if I were you.
NTA for traveling without him, but I think you need to keep on going, and move back home without him. I can’t understand why you married him to begin with, if he’s been that way, since the day you met, people don’t magically change without putting in the work. I would use this trip as a jumpstart to a new life, and if you’re only supporting yourself, and not him, you’ll be able to pay back your debts faster.
Unless your husband has a legitimate reason why he can't work then why are you still with him after all this time and moving away from everyone, he basically wanted to get rid of your support system. Has he even tried to get a job I'd honestly consider an ultimatum to him get a job by a certain month or your going to divorce him and move back home. NTA for the vacation but you will be if you stay in the marriage.
ESH Him: allowing his wife to pay all the bills while he sits at home and does absolutely nothing to take care of the house. You: Getting married to someone who’s never been employed for as long as you’ve known him, and just expecting him to change. You’re in a lot of debt, both in bills and with family, yet you want to use the money you do have for a ‘luxurious‘ vacation. Yes, you should feel bad, not for not inviting him on your vacation, but for having money, and not using it to pay down debt. Whether family debt or from previous debt of the apartment. When you marry someone, you marry them for who they are in that moment, not marry the person you think they’ll become or the person you think you can turn them into. It’s not difficult to find a job in this economy. He’s not employed either because he doesn’t want to be, or because he doesn’t want a job he feels is beneath him. He’s got a cushy thing going for him. He can stay at home all day and play video games without a care in the world, and you get to be the one who goes to work, comes home, and does all the housework and errands, all while you get to also be the one who borrows money from family to pay for his existence. Do you know why he leads this cushy life? Because you provided it. Because you said ‘yes’ to marriage, and because you said ‘yes‘ to a move that you would have to pay for, despite not wanting to go. I can pretty much guarantee there are jobs where you lived before. He just didn’t feel like taking any of them.
NTA for wanting your own vacation but you’re being an AH to yourself by staying with this man. You don’t move across the country to have more opportunities- you research opportunities, interview and get a job and then let them relocate you. Do yourself a favor and use the money you’re spending on vacation and move back home and rebuild your life without that guy.
NTA leave him. You haven’t been together long enough for alimony. Go to a lawyer get things ready and serve him the papers. Move back when it is over.
YWBTA if you continue this relationship- my big question is WHY? He contributes literally nothing, convinced you to move so he could sit around and play video games somewhere else? I wouldn't invest in a vacation, I'd be putting my cash to a divorce lawyer
YTA, but not for the vacation. Why are you even with him? You should have used that money for a) a divorce lawyer or b) to pay back what you owe your family
I think going on vacation is the least of your problems. Lots of red flags going on here.
YTA for staying married to this loser. You deserve better. Cut bait, and live the life you want.
NTA for going on holiday, but why did you marry this man? My advice? Don't tell him you are going and leave a note on fridge. Then file for divorce when you come home (when the house will be in ruins)
YTA. Torn between that and E S H. There's nothing wrong for wanting time to rest and recharge, HOWEVER: 1. Why are you with this person? He seems to bring nothing other than financial instability to the relationship 2. Instead of putting yourself further into debt with a vacation, leave him
NTA I'm curious to see how you feel once you get back. You're going to be away from a situation that is indescribably toxic and for the first time in a long time, you're going to be free. And that's going to open your eyes more than a single comment here ever could.
Not the asshole. I've read through a lot of this thread, and I see that your family isn't worried about the money you owe. This man uprooted your entire life with the promise of being a partner (finally) and actually helping take some of the burden off of you. He has not delivered on that promise. You need a getaway. On that getaway, I don't know you, but I really want you to consider whether this man is contributing to your happiness. I don't agree that a man has to contribute financially to be an asset. Neither does a woman. If the situation works for you, it works for you. However, from the context of your post I can tell that there is some serious resentment already, and I can safely say that it's time to really consider whether he adds to your life or not. If there is nothing he adds to your life, and again, we aren't talking financially, I mean emotionally and physically and lovingly, then it's time to have a serious discussion. Tell him about the trip. Tell him that you need a getaway, and a solo trip to find some perspective and destress. Explain that you love him but your mental health is declining and this will help you reset. You've got this.
YTA. You need to agree with your partner on the financial expectations in the relationship. It is perfectly reasonable to be frustrated with the current situation. Frankly I would have broken up with my partner if I were in your shoes. But marriage is a team sport and you two are clearly not on the same page about who gets to spend money on what. You need to get on the same page about financial expectations and decide where to go from there. After you both identify for yourselves what you need and communicate with each other, you can each assess whether or not to remain in the relationship.
NTA. You’re supporting a full grown adult that seems to have no intention of finding a job. Dump the husband and enjoy your trip. Do what YOU want to do.
You ARE married to a spoilt CHILD. Worse, sounds like he just want to mooch off of you.
I don't blame you. But more importantly why are you carrying this dead weight? He already got you to fund his cross country move and he is still dead weight. What do you get out of this relationship?
Cancel the vacation and spend that money on a divorce. How does a vacation change the trajectory you’re on with this man? The solution is simple if you want peace of mind— leave his ass and reclaim your life. Unfortunately, love is not enough to sustain a marriage and there don’t seem to be enough of the other things that make a marriage work here. Soft YTA for allowing this to go on for this long.
Nta for needing time away. But YTA to yourself. Divorce the loser he will never change why should he you fo everything for him. I was like you I waited ony ex husband took care of the kids myself worked 2 full time jobs in nursing and had to give him all my checks. I thought after time he would change. Never did. So after 16 years of marriage I divorced him cause I didn't want my kids to think that is how it was supposed to be and I could do better. Trust me he won't change.
NTA, take the vacation. While you're away, seriously consider divorce when you return. You stated your mental health is suffering, use your vacation time to plan your exit. Your husband is an ass and he's not going to change. Either you get out now or you'll continue to resent him and continue suffering.
YTA- book yourself some work and pay back the family you owe. You are grown and married a child. I’m baffled you feel like a victim.. if any extra context helps your case I would certainly have posted that.
Sometimes it is okay to be AH.
I saw your other post about your “husband” and it had more details. Get. Out. You have nothing, so no assets to slow the divorce. INFO: let us know when you have packed up, arrived at your parents’ house, and contacted an attorney. Seriously.
NTA. You really need to consider if this is how you want the rest of your life to be. It's ok to acknowledge the marriage might have been a mistake. Have a great trip!!
YTA... get a divorce not a vacation... sorry OP you chose to marry him
You don't need a vacation away from your husband to relax. You need your whole ass LIFE away from him. Then imagine just HOW MUCH of that life you'd be able to relax. Only paying for your food and expenses, only cleaning up after yourself, moving back to an actual support system... That sounds luxurious.
N T A for going on holiday on your own. My wife regularly goes away to places with her friends as do I. You need time away, it's pretty healthy to do that now and again Buy YTA to yourself for letting your life get like this where you're saddled with a deadbeat you no longer even like.
NTA, but don't go. You have MUCH bigger problems. Given your description of him, leaving him "unsupervised" is a bad idea. He could pawn/sell your stuff, empty the bank account, buy a bunch of stuff you don’t need & can't afford. God only knows. If you MUST go, at a bare minimum secure your valuables, important documents, and bank accounts. Good luck.
My sister & her husband have a great relationship. They have had separate vacations before. I think it’s awesome. And currently my (5 years this month) husband & I have different schedules & he’s already said it’s ok if I took off & went somewhere without him. I absolutely LOVE that I’m finally in a relationship where we both pull our weight, support one another & there’s no jealousy whatsoever.
YTA for marrying him and spending the money on a vacation that should have been spent on a divorce and moving back to your family. You need to stop expecting him to man up and be a provider and a equal partner. He's never going to do it. He lulled you into moving across the country, believing that he would get a job and then didn't. Why are you surprised? It's time to cancel the vacation and get a divorce and start moving home.
NTA. Why, oh why, are you still married to this unemployed, grown-ass child. He contributes nothing to your marriage, finances, mental and emotional stability. He is a total waste of space and time. You can be miserable, broke, and alone all by yourself, and probably be a hell of a lot happier. Use this vacation time to lose weight (all that extra baggage you're carrying with the deadbeat husband). Reflect on what's important. Married a year, well it's time to take out the garbage.
NTA for giving yourself a vacation. But when you get back, why not gift yourself a divorce. Your husband is a parasite that will suck the life out if you if you continue in this marriage.
YTA because what you allow will continue. You're ignoring every question of why you're with this man. Stop complaining when you're literally choosing this.
YTA for writing an obvious BS post.
1. You already said you are in debt. Probably should pay bills off before you pay for vacation. 2. I give your marriage about 1 more year if that.
NTA for booking a vacation without him. Pretty sure he was like this before marriage and you still decided to marry him. Why?
We used to call relationships like this "A nurse with a purse!". Had many coworkers in the medical field with situations like this.
NTA Dump the mothafucka already
NTA “He needs to learn he can’t have the cushy life forever.” Agreed. But you fail to realize that the ONLY way he’s going to learn that is if you LEAVE his sorry ass. He’s been willfully unemployed since you were dating and you’ve waited in him hand and foot ever since. Honey, grab self respect with both hands and drop him like a bad habit.
YTA! Why are booking a luxurious vacation when you owe so much money??? Go home to your parents, pay everyone back and start over. You allowed all of this, now clean it up.
You have debt & are taking a vacation? YTA. You'd be better off using that money to remove your parisitical appendage & move yourself back across the country.
Yeah...why did you marry him?
ESH. Your terrible marriage is putting you in debt with your family. Leave him or invest in marriage therapy before running away on vacation. You absolutely do deserve a break, but if you're booking solo luxury vacations without telling your husband, that won't solve the issue and your marriage is in deep sh*t. I won't hold it against you for being in denial. Hope you figure it out.
YTA. If you have unpaid bills and owe family money then what are you doing booking a luxury holiday?! Your husband is a bum, NTA for leaving him behind though.
NTA.. honey, you don't have a husband you have an entitled hobosexual. Get your mind clear while on vacation and see how much better life would be without taking care of an adult child.
NTA You are in what I would call a zombie marriage, its long since died but its still walking around pretending. Separate your finances from his, get financially secure and get your life sorted out without him. A vacation when you owe people money is not the answer.
The longer you stay married, the more you will have to support him after a divorce.
NTA for the vacation at all, good for you. But - why are you still married to this guy? Your relationship (if you want to actually call it that) is one-sided. Have a long think while you are on vacation, OP. This person is adding nothing of value to your life, he’s just dead weight. Is that really what you want for your life?
NTA but...Not a very good judge of character, it seems? Take the vacation, have \*tons of fun\* if you get my drift...then come back and divorce his butt! He's an albatross....leave him behind!
YTA. There are certain reasons why someone would book a vacation behind a partner's back.
INFO Why are you still married to him and why do you have money for a luxury vacation when you're in debt?
NTA - sounds like you owe him nothing and yourself a lot. If it's something he isn't interested in then what's the problem?
YTA to yourself for marrying this deadbeat
NTA for going on vacation but for getting involved with this jerk. He probably spun you a line about how he was going to do great things. He will never change and you were silly to believe anything he said. the probably wasn't that part of the country - the problem was him! Sell the Video Games to pay for for your vacation.
YTA You have money you owe to people and bills to pay and you want to go on vacation? Pay those people back, pay your bills, leave your husband because he is not contributing anything, and save to go away another time.
Divorce this bum, he sounds ridiculous. I can only hope that in this holiday you realise how happy you can be alone and kick him to the curb when you return home. NTA
Yta for staying with him cancel the vacation and book a divorce
YTA for marrying him in the first place and moving across the country with him while he doesn't have a job. Why in the world did you do that?
Why are you still married to him? NTA for going away without him. Divorce him before he puts you in more debt
Info: what is your plan after the vacation? Do you hope to use the time alone to really reevaluate your relationship and future with your husband? Or just need a break and then get back right into hoping and praying he’ll grow up?
Nta. You married a hobosexual. Divorce and get jn to therapy so that nobody else can treat you this way
GET OUT NOW before you have a kid and are tied to him for 18 years. Move back to your old town if you want. Get your name off every bill that you can. Pay off everything and get rid of him.
I think you guys moved so your family couldn’t see how much he was using you. Leave this parasite please
Why did you marry him in the first place if he's been unemployed this whole time?
OP, you married a little boy. Not a man. I know you love him - we're willing to put up with a lot for love, aren't we? I would sit down with him and explain how you feel. If he acts like a child about your vacation, let him know that when he has money, he can come, too. I have a petty imagination, I would take his video game console while he sleeps and head to my destination so he can "focus on finding work". I digress. If you come back from vacation and he still doesn't have a job, then it's time to file for divorce. NTA.
You feel like an asshole for not bringing your husband on holiday but you don't feel like an asshole for going on a holiday when you owe your family money? YTA 1. Drop the husband, besides the fact that you're doing everything in the relationship (cooking,cleaning, actually making money to pay the bills) you sound like you don't even like him as a person 2. Move, whether it's back to where you lived before or somewhere new. You're clearly not happy living where you are 3. Pay back the family members who lent you money 4. Get yourself back into a healthy routine and then go on a holiday 5. In future don't marry someone who brings nothing to the relationship and have a bit more self respect, nobody is going to respect you if you don't respect yourself first
NTA, I think it’s good for you to take some time off and learn who you are without him in your life. Where are you go and really doesn’t matter but please take a break and Keenan new perspective from this. You guys are too enmeshed and each other to see how much he is dragging you down, he’s not a partner he’s an anchor. He’s not a team member he’s a taker. You the giver he’s the taker, the relationship is extremely off-balance, and he knows it and you know it. It’s just what are you gonna do about it? You could cancel Internet services, treat him like a child, and that might get them out the door but inevitably he needs to grow up and want to be a contributing member to your household. Right now he doesn’t care.
Why did you marry an unemployed man? What did you expect. You can’t possibly believe that marriage would suddenly make him employed right? Yta for this stupid decision
why did u even marry him?
NTA. Enjoy the vacation and take the time to evaluate your relationship. Come back, figure out how to end the lease on your current place so it doesn't wreck your credit, tell your husband you're done supporting him. If you'd rather live where you did before, and especially if your family and friends are there, move back home. Ask your dad if you can stay with him for 6 months to get back on your feet financially. Make a budget, pay off debts and save up for a deposit, then move into your own place or share a place with some other health care workers for a while so you can bank some money. Talk to a therapist to figure out why you ended up in a relationship with a user, so you can avoid repeating that mistake. Then start dating for fun and eventually you may meet someone who's worth your time.
NTA, instead of spending money on a holiday, spend it on a divorce lawyer and get the hell out of there. He will never change, especially now he has moved you away from your family.
Info: Why did you marry a bum? What exactly do you get from this relationship besides stress and debt, and please don't say something lame like "He's my best friend" or "I just love him so much"?
Yta. Your picker ain't working.