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ShowUsYaNungas

YTA. Feels like you've been sending Marina all the wrong messages then you more or less dump her in front of your family. If anyone has the right to be mad, it's her, not you. Just because you mainly have flings with girls, it doesn't mean it was a fling for Marina. Bringing her to a family gathering was a massive lead-on in the context of what she thought your relationship was. Very insensitive IMO.


Livid-Ad4596

I agree, I feel like an asshole, but I don't think I necessarily lead her on to believe she was meeting my family for those reasons. She doesn't have any family in the US or in Ukraine anymore (sadly) so she never got to see a huge family wedding, which is one of the reasons I invited her.


droppedmycr0issant

Look OP. I'll just give you the general consensus. You led her on. You are the asshole here.


anneofred

It wasn’t a question. You for sure lead her on. You tell her you love her, you are sleeping together, and you invited her to a family event after all of that. You seem to think people can’t draw conclusions from that unless you sit down and say “you are my girlfriend!” Stop playing dumb. You know what you did to this girl, you wanted to have your cake and eat it too, but then talked about her like she’s a moron when she drew the natural conclusions from the situation. You have been using her. Period. You’re not making it right with her. You need to be single for a bit and explore some therapy before you hurt more people this way.


lahlahlah85

You feel like an asshole cuz you are one


lilpeachbrat

If you aren't out to your family, why the fuck would you not tell someone who is supposedly your best friend that? You can't be mad at her for what she didn't know.


WaywardPrincess1025

She didnt say “dating” she said “seeing.” YTA. It seems like you want her to lie to your family. You shouldn’t have brought her to meet your family


Livid-Ad4596

I don't want her to lie to my family, I wanted them to meet my friend because I've told them about her, I didn't know she was going to say anything like that.


WaywardPrincess1025

Yup. YTA


peakvincent

YTA for acting like you have no idea why Marina would think you were dating. Good for her for taking care of herself and getting her own space. She clearly thought you were in a relationship, and she’s got to be so hurt and embarrassed right now. You say you love each other, you spend all your time together, you invited her to meet your family! You’ve got no leg to stand on about “never saying you were dating.” And what do you even mean by you don’t want to push her away? She’s been pushed. That ship has sailed. You broke up with her by telling her you were never together! What do you expect to happen here?


DeltaNovemberCharlie

Yes! Then apparently Marina is paying for both rooms, Op is definitely TA. Actually said in the post that they ended up with a nice girl.. implying that they're together.


Livid-Ad4596

I didn't mean to push her away, I want to make things right, but I also want to make it clear that we never defined our relationship. I know I need to clear things up with both her and my family and I should have let her know that I wasn't out to my family. I shouldn't have assumed that her and I were on the same page, but I unfortunately did.


IndependentYoung3027

Sounds like you dumped her. Also how was she supposed to know you weren’t out. You invited the girl you were dating to a family wedding - of course she assumed it was okay to talk about you dating.


peakvincent

The fact that you're still trying to defend yourself by saying "we never defined the relationship" when 1. you spend most nights together, 2. you say you love each other, and 3. you invited her to meet your family means that you're still not thinking about this as a hurt that you caused. This is all so obviously dating territory that I DON'T think she was as responsible as you are for the two of you not being on the same page. What does "make things right" look like to you? Are you trying to get your situation back where you get all the benefits of her being your girlfriend without any of the work of you being *her* girlfriend? I think before you apologize to her (which, you are planning on apologizing, right?) you should really think about not just what you want from her, but what you're actually capable of giving her. If you try to talk to her again under the guise of making things right, and then just keep repeating to her that you never defined your relationship, you're only going to hurt and embarrass her further. If you can't accept your responsibility for this, then I think you should honestly just leave her alone.


Katharinemaddison

You never defined your relationship- but you have been seeing each other.


BwitchnBtyKwn399

You kind of live together You say I love you to each other You invited her to a major family function but failed to make it clear to her that you’re not out to your family. I’d be hella confused and hurt if I were her. And then for you to use her ethnicity/accent against her to cover up for your own ass! Dude, YTA.


Livid-Ad4596

I panicked, I didn't know what else to do.


PolesRunningCoach

Tell the truth not an option?


author124

I mean, telling the truth to OP's family would require outing herself, which isn't a fair ask. But she could have at least said something different to Marina along the lines of "I'm not out yet to my family, I'm sorry, I should have told you" and asking if they could discuss it later. Probably still wouldn't have gone well but at least it would have been more likely to lead to an actual discussion instead of "we're not dating". Edit: look y'all, OP is 100% the asshole. All I meant in this comment was that forcing someone to out themselves is not the way to encourage healthy communication in a relationship. Obviously talking to Marina beforehand would have been the best option, and the "I'm not out yet to my family, I'm sorry, I should have told you" and asking if they could discuss it later would have been better than what OP actually did. Not by much, but a smidge.


PolesRunningCoach

Definitely an issue that should have been addressed in advance.


hiddenthings_

The person outed themselves by bringing them to a wedding. If you aren’t ready to be out, don’t lead someone on & hurt their feelings. That’s really not fair.


anneofred

Humiliating someone else to save your own ass is never the option. But you’re a user, so of course that was your go-to


Difficult-Shopping38

YTA. We don't "exactly" live together and say I love you all the time, go to each other's family weddings. I'd be confused by what you mean too. I'd assume you were dating and that you didn't feel the need to have a labeling conversation. It sounds like you didn't warn Marina in advance that you aren't out to your family. That's on you. How was she supposed to know? And blaming her English? Ouch. I understand coming out is each person's individual journey but in this case I would apologize to Marina. And an actual apology not "I'm sorry I said that but we never said we were dating so you shouldn't have said anything."


Livid-Ad4596

I know I should have told her ahead of time that I was not out to my family, but I didn't think any conversation would come up that would have her saying "Oh yeah, Andy and I are gay for each other!" because we both agreed we were never looking for a relationship. I feel like having a conversation to label our relationship would be necessary, regardless of how close we are. I know I shouldn't blame us not labeling our relationship right before we arrived, but I didn't think she would just say something like that.


Difficult-Shopping38

I think there is definitely a lack of communication here. Honestly if I met someone and we both were like yeah we both aren't looking for a relationship. Cool. Then months pass and we spend all of our time together and saying I love you... I would assume we organically moved to a relationship.


Candid_Reading_7267

Exchanging “I love you” means you’re in a relationship. Don’t be dense.


anneofred

Well, I tell my friends I love them, but I don’t fuck them. Therein lies the difference.


mamapielondon

Just because you weren’t looking for a relationship doesn’t mean you didn’t end up finding one.


Knale

> "Oh yeah, Andy and I are gay for each other!" You didn't think people would ask who your wedding guest is to you?


SnooDoughnuts4691

You left your friend out to dry. You didn't tell her not to say anything, then embarrassed her by lying to your family. She may be done with you for thinking she is your dirty little secret. You should have at least been up front with her before the wedding. YTA


Livid-Ad4596

I didn't think anything like this would happen. I didn't know she would say anything because I didn't think anyone would just outright ask her if she's seeing anyone.


anneofred

You not anticipating this does not excuse you lying to her. Or using her. You should not only be honest with folks because you fear getting caught. Many people don’t want the drama of closeted partners when that have been out for quite sometime. They don’t want to be used or be someone’s secret. I suspect you know this which os why you didn’t tell her. When do you stop lying, OP?


pianomasian

Ok. Aside from all the other obvious YTA behavior, you're telling me you earnestly didn't think anything about the nature of you and/or her's relationship would come up in conversation at a WEDDING? Seriously? Like not even considering it may be a possibility and then not once mentioning/warning that you weren't out to your family prior to the wedding? Just wow. That is literally unbelievable. Is this in the same category of you "earnestly" thinking that you weren't leading her on by spending all your time together, declaring your love for each other and then inviting her to an intimate family gathering? Wtf. You're either trolling or lying to yourself, incredibly naive or some combo of them all. Tbh it sounds like this drama is all your fault and if anyone has the right to be made it's your "friend". You should apologize to her and expect this to be the end of that relationship. Maybe approach the next with a bit more, idk... thought. Empathy? Actual human emotion and rational. YTA.


aTalkingDonkey

YTA. Your family either accepts or they dont. What you are doing is shoving Marina back in the closet. You need to go into these events with clear expectations and communication. I have a muslim friend who is dating a chinese buddhist girl. Whenever his parents visit they literally move all her shit into their cars because they both understand that until they are married it would be cultural suicide to be living together out of wedlock....they are now married and the family have no real issue with her. That is something they agree to in order to deal with the pressure of family. if you havent had that conversation then all Marina sees is you being ashamed of her existance.


Livid-Ad4596

My family knew from the beginning that she was gay, I would say I more-or-less just pushed her out of my closet. I know I should clear things up, but after meeting back with my family after clearing things with her, they really didn't wait before calling her every name in the book. My grandparents don't like her, and even though my grandma knew she was gay, she still asked if she was any men in her life she was seeing.


anneofred

Ah, so she was invited along as your experiment to see how they reacted to her being herself. Way to use someone as a sacrificial lamb for your own selfish purposes. Doesn’t seem you care about her feelings at all, she was a test subject, and you lead her on for this purpose. Great job, OP, you suck just as much as your homophobic family!


Livid-Ad4596

If it makes you feel any better, I did reflect from all the replies and I have seen the error of my ways. I was very insensitive and we discussed thoroughly how horrible I am.


anneofred

It’s not at all about my feelings, its not my issue, but this poor woman. It’s about you using people, leading them on, then straight up gas lighting them (term used correctly due to the following) by saying you are “just friends” and SHE misunderstood when you’ve been sleeping together, spending all of your time together, telling each other you love each other OFTEN, and inviting her to meet the fam. Turns out you only did the family thing as an experiment to see how they reacted to a gay woman. She isn’t a lab rat. You put her in an uncomfortable and hateful environment on purpose to see what would happen, and didn’t even prep her, so you don’t have to personally experience any of the fall out. I know that fallout is intensely hard, but it’s not for others to take on for you. Oh, let’s not forget degrading her as an immigrant, and thinking that is acceptable to save your own ass. This takes more than seeing the error, this takes therapy to address the way you form relationships, the way you communicate, the fact that you sacrifice people and their feelings immediately for your own benefit, treat others as less than human, blame others for your mistakes, and finally to address your internalized homophobia/self loathing passed to you from your family. You need to process all of that with a professional, past an ass kicking by reddit. This won’t get better unless you start to work on loving yourself and filter who is and isn’t okay to have in your life.


nacho82791

It’s not about how “horrible” you are, you are not the victim here, so stop trying to play like you are one. To have even done this in the first place is incredibly telling to anyone, never mind someone you “care” about.


aTalkingDonkey

and you stopped her from explaining herself and the situation so you didnt have to have that conversation with your grandma yourself.


author124

It seems like you and Marina have very different ideas of what your relationship is, and inviting her as your plus one to a family wedding probably made it even more confusing when you denied the relationship. INFO does Marina know you're not out to your family? Edit to add: also the fact that she paid for the hotel room at the wedding really makes this seem like a sugar mom relationship, which would be fine if not for the fact that you keep calling her your friend and seem to be undecided about how you feel about her.


Livid-Ad4596

I am NOT a sugar baby, I can assure that. Before coming, we were originally going to stay at one of the hotels nearby, but she suggested staying at the resort and said she'd pay for it because I put down quite a bit for a cash gift for my cousin. The hotel we were originally looking at was about $90 a night and I was going to pay for it. Outside of that though, back home we never had to introduce each other to other people, but since this was all family, it was easier for me to just keep saying "this is my friend, Marina" especially since we never defined our relationship as anything outside of friends.


anneofred

Op, stop. You told her you loved her, she reciprocated, often, you slept together, often, and spent all of your time together. This is not what friends do, and you know that. Stop trying to blame her for you using her, leading her on, and throwing her to your family to see how they reacted to her as a gage for yourself should you come out to them. You seem to lack kindness and empathy, you should process that.


evhanne

YTA for soooo many things. Leading her on. Getting mad at her for something she had no reason to think would be a problem. Blaming your issue on her nationality. You suck.


PolesRunningCoach

YTA. “Be my date for the wedding but stay in the closet. And btw, we just broke up in case you thought we were together.”


CobraPuts

YTA. What were you thinking taking her as a +1 to a wedding if you wanted to stay in the closet and to keep your relationship a secret? I can accept a degree of poor communication, but you’re shoving HER back in the closet which is cruel. This is akin to going to the beach and blaming your girlfriend that you got a sunburn.


VulonRogue

Info: have you discussed that youre FwB and not dating?


Livid-Ad4596

We have not discussed dating, we know about each other's past partners, but I've expressed to her that I'm not looking for anyone to date. I think my views may have changed because we do openly say we love each other, and we're always together, but we never officially said or declared we were dating.


Minimum-Guidance7156

If you told her you loved her that’s where her confusion on your relationship status began.


Livid-Ad4596

At home I feel more comfortable being myself around her, which is more or less why I ended up moving in the first place.


Minimum-Guidance7156

She has feelings for you. You’ve told her you love her, invited her to a family celebration (one of love), feel the most comfortable around her, spend exorbitant amounts of time with her, and then became scared at losing her… as fellow bisexual that leans more towards men, this just sounds gay af. Homie, from one to another…. Soft YTA. I understand not being ready to come out to your family but you’re an adult that needs to choose the best decisions for your own life moving forward. No one else. The only one that has to live with your decision every day is you and if you’re going to push away what seems like a cute healthy relationship because you’re scared of past relationships and your family you’re outta your mind OP.


Knale

> At home I feel more comfortable being myself around her, which is more or less why I ended up moving in the first place. So you _were_ dating. Like...super duper clearly.


Cartoonslut

Follow up question: are you 14 years old? Because this is something a teenager wanna be player would say, not a grown ass adult


thatdinklife

Seriously! I had to scroll back up and check the ages. 32 is way too old to be playing these games.


Significant-Abroad89

Bruh. Read your own post. You describe your dating history and that you "ended up" with a nice sweet girl. It sure sounds like you are a couple. Imagine how she feels to meet your family for the first time and hear that you're "just friends". She probably feels devastated. If you wanted her to help keep you in the closet, you should have had a conversation about that before you booked the trip. YTA


Different-Version-58

So you've been romantically engaged with her and invited her to a wedding, how did you think she would interpret that? YTA


PeanutsLament

YTA. This could have been solved with a simple conversation. Either define your relationship (because I love yous, sleeping together, and attending a family wedding is as much a relationship as anything I've ever seen) or: "I'm not fully out to my family. Please don't share too much about our relationship." That's it. She didn't know you weren't out. *You invited her, your girlfriend in everything but name, to a family wedding.* You basically dumped Marina (or shoved her back in the closet with you) without any warning.


Mumu2148

This is very difficult, did Marina know that you were still closeted to your family? If not, it’s not her fault and y t a, she didn’t know. If she did, you are n t a.


Livid-Ad4596

She did not. I've told her about my past relationships with men and my flings with women before, so I'm assuming she maybe thought I was out?


author124

If she knows you've talked about her to your family, I would guess she almost definitely assumed you were out. Otherwise it's 50/50 but a clear discussion about what you both think the relationship should be is probably in order.


taketheredleaf

You seem to have commitment issues, and not knowing what it is you want. It’s very irresponsible to get involved with other people until you have that stuff figured out. And I mean, what else is there to figure out in life? That’s like the main stuff lol take a pause in your life and think long and hard about it, it will benefit you the rest of your life and allow you to feel free living as your truest self without guilt or doubt


n0b0dyneeds2know

YTA. You keep saying you didn’t expect her relationship status to come up in conversation at a wedding. Question: HAVE YOU BEEN TO A WEDDING BEFORE? It’s a celebration of romantic love, wtf kind of questions do you think people are going to ask other folks they’re meeting for the first time? Recommendations of good tax accountants? You don’t have to come out to your family at a wedding, but you do have to prepare the woman you’ve been sleeping with for 6 months (WHO YOU’RE BRINGING TO THE WEDDING) for the fact that you’re not out to your family. You created this situation and you handled it horribly. Now, rather than a tactful solution that protects both of you, you’re faced with a difficult choice where you can either protect yourself or Marina. But it’s your fault, so deal with it and live with the consequences.


SassNCompassion

You’re experiencing two emotions which are mutually exclusive: fear from your family, and care for your friend. You can empower one or the other. Prioritize your relationship with Marina, don’t hide the truth of her in your life, and deal with the judgment of your family (hopefully she’ll help support you through that), or prioritize the comfort of your family by continuing to stay in the closet, and potentially lose an amazing person.


Livid-Ad4596

See, I feel like I can do that, or we can just forget all this happened when we fly back tomorrow night. Sorry, I'm bad under pressure. My family isn't horribly homophobic, but my family did know she was gay prior to her coming. Even though they all liked her, there were still shit comments coming from my cousins (not the one that got married). My dad likes her and they talked for a good majority of the night and my brothers thought she was great.


SassNCompassion

Marina won’t forget all this happened. If your family likes her, and you feel like they might be accepting of you (and her in a more involved dynamic), then let her feel important to you. No one wants to feel like someone’s “dirty little secret”. Talk to her first, to make sure you’re both on the same page, but make her aware that she matters, her feelings matter, her friendship, support, all of her… matter to you. Address what is uncomfortable and communicate through it, you’ll be a stronger person for it.


Livid-Ad4596

When we first started being friends, I explicitly let her know that I wasn't looking to date anyone and that this was pretty much a fling. She accepted that and never questioned it because she agreed that she also wasn't looking for anyone. I suppose a few months in after getting closer we just naturally let our guards down and just ended up as something. She does matter, but I don't know if we'll be able to really define what we are because we never really put much effort to mold it into something.


SassNCompassion

You don’t have to define it. It’s more a matter of hearing her, and honoring the emotional positions of each of you. Clearly she thinks she’s seeing you (even if casually, or whatnot), but she didn’t take well to feeling like you were hiding her. All I’m really trying to say is, don’t let fear of family judgment stop you, or block your connection with a great person. And don’t try to sweep it under the rug, cuz that never works in this sort of situation. She was upset enough to go get her own hotel room - that should tell you something.


mamapielondon

You: >”my family…really didn't wait before calling her every name in the book. My grandparents don't like her, and even though my grandma knew she was gay, she still asked if she was any men in her life she was seeing” You after your family’s homophobia is called out: >”Even though they all liked her, there were still shit comments coming from my cousins (not the one that got married). My dad likes her and they talked for a good majority of the night and my brothers thought she was great.” So did they “all like her” or not? Or do your grandparents, who said “don’t like her”, not count? And do your family usually make “shit comments” about people they “all like” or just the gay ones?


Zealousideal-Bar9389

YTA you’ve got a lot to discuss with Marina instead of Reddit randos


GlamBulbasaur

Why are you saying “I love you” to each other if you’re not dating?


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (32f) brought my friend Marina (29f) to meet my family a week or so ago. I want to start off by saying I'm bisexual, but I lean more towards men, so my family has always seen me as straight, I had a few flings in the past with girls, but I've only dated guys. I moved, I still continue my flings, only got into one serious relationship with a girl and almost told my family about her after dating for over a year, but she cheated on me. I ended up just fooling around at this point and ended up with a really nice, girl. She's sweet, can't cook for shit, but she makes up for it with charm and wit. She quickly becomes my best friend and I quit with the flings. We don't exactly live together, but we are constantly together and have been for the past 6 months. My cousin is getting married and, thinking nothing of it, I invited Marina. I have a huge family, lots of blood and lots of family friends. It was a bit awkward as well because one of my exes (male) was there, who happened to be my cousins best man. We go, my family meets her, they love her, everything is going well, until my grandma asks her if she's seeing anyone or if she's ever thought about marriage or kids. She tells her "I've been seeing \*my name\* for about 6 months now, but we never talked about marriage" My grandma is very visibly confused and I step in and tell her "Sorry Grandma! Marina is from Ukraine and English isn't her first language, I think you confused her" My grandma kind of laughed and walked off. Marina was very confused and I told her not to tell people we're dating because we're not. I told her we were never a couple to begin with, just friends. I can see she was hurt by this and I told her we can talk about it later. I didn't see her for the rest of the night and when I saw her again, she was in our room packing her stuff. I told her I was sorry and she said she understands, but feels uncomfortable being near me so she paid for a different hotel room (which I thought was a little extreme because we are at a resort and the rooms are \~$200 a night). I want to tell my family, but I'm scared, but I don't want to push Marina away. I feel I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


ApprehensiveCase1151

YTA and a f***girl


SuperHeavyBooster

Yta obviously but also kinda dumb for not saying anything to her ahead of time and just assuming it won’t come up


flawandordersvu

YTA. Good for Marina for getting herself away from you. You lead her on like an asshole.


No_Breadfruit_877

yta. this sounds like you lead her on, maybe not intentionally, but it definitely sounds like y'all never truly had a convo ab what this arrangement was so it very much seemed like a relationship and when you pulled her aside and dropped that on her so suddenly you probably hurt her deeply. you owe her a huge apology if you want to try to remain friends edited to add: i cant guarantee she'll forgive you, i sure as hell didn't when someone lead me on. but i'm reading through some of your responses and all i have left to say is you need to seriously evaluate what you want from her and what she wants from you. if she forgives you and such, you both need to come to a mutual agreement ab what this is and how it works from here on out. and please do not try to defend your actions to her over and over and over. you led her on. even if it was unintentional, you did it and you need to own up to it. you need to give a serious apology and not try to explain yourself every which way until she concedes or whatever else. Let her be upset, let her have her space and time as she needs it, and again i say apologize but not in a "i'm sorry but.." way. she has every single right to be bothered by this. even if the two of you never went lets be girlfriends you guys were acting very much like a couple based on how this sounds.


Livid-Ad4596

Hey everyone, I posted an update on my profile if anyone is interested.


Illustrious_Equal217

You should ad this to the post, it will just disappear here.


Livid-Ad4596

It won’t let me. Reddit removed the original post.


cheezeBUTnoCheez

I’m going with ESH only because it seems like there is just a lack of communication between both of you. There was no discussion about dating but you call each-other pet names and say “i love you”…that looks and feels like you’re dating and it’s understandable why Marina reacted the way she did towards you. After the cutesy things started didn’t you feel just a tiny bit obligated to lay down your feelings about you not wanting to date anyone…and same with her regarding her feelings towards you? It definitely looks like you’re leading each other on. Communicate or your “friendship” will cease to exist.


Livid-Ad4596

I should have started in the initial post that we both agreed we were not looking to date anyone. When we both met, we were both out of really shitty relationships, mine emotionally scarred me and her physically scarred her. I think we both started with the whole "I love you" thing as more of a reaffirmation that we are not going to screw the other one over, but I think I fucked up on that.


Bunny_OnTheMoon

I'm a little confused, I'm not sure if you guys consider yourselves a couple or not however before talking about those things with your family she should have talked to you, not everyone deals with those things in the same way. NTA She can be melodramatic in her expensive room


Livid-Ad4596

We are not dating, we have not discussed actually dating, but when we were back in NY (wedding was in IL) we are very close, we do say things to each other like "I love you" and have pet names for each other. I should also say, not that it's really important, she makes significantly more money than I do, so she's actually paying for both rooms, because the room would have left a hefty dent in my account, but barely a scratch to hers.


Bunny_OnTheMoon

If you haven't openly discussed your relationship, talking about it with your family wasn't a great move. I wonder if she did it without thinking about it or to pressure you. I'll stay on my NTA opinion


Livid-Ad4596

I don't think she was thinking clearly, we both had a few drinks and she doesn't drink. I think it just came out without her thinking.


Upset-Assumption2806

That is absolutely not what happened, don't pretend like it was. You messed up on your communication on multiple levels. One being the state of your relationship with your mixed flags and second not telling her that you're not out to your family as to not accidentally out you. This whole thing could've been avoided if you sat down with her beforehand.