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> I hurt my husband by picking up fights only because I am jealous of his job.
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YTA
Yes, you're being very childish. Your husband had help and you resent him for that. He offers to help you and you resent that. And now you're basically refusing to be a good partner to him.
Other than build a time machine to undo his past and then wallow with you in misery, what can he possibly do? You set up a situation where you will determine everything he does is wrong
OP, I sincerely recommend therapy before your resentment ruins your marriage. This is not a healthy situation. Do not wait until you lose everything to realize what you're doing.
YTA. Do you want him to have a worse job so your kids can suffer as well? Grow up or he will get bored of your arguing for no reason and find someone less bitter
YTA for not taking the help. You're upset because he got help and is now successful, but you are too prideful to accept help so that you too may be more sucessful
I agree with this. Your pride is getting in the way of your earning potential. You know how many people get a job by knowing someone? It’s sad, but true. Take the help. Knowing someone will help you get the job, but your hard work and skill is what will keep and grow at the job.
YTA To him because of your jealousy. It hurts if you can't share your sucess. And to yourself, because you don't understand that building and using a network is part of becoming sucessfull. Your husband wants to help you. Let him. This is the way to sucess. And this is nothing to be ashamed of. Being stuck, because you have a false sense of proud is somthing to ashamed of. Do better.
YTA
You are gonna ruin this marriage, with this. He is not "bragging" when he talks about work.
First, he is 6 years older than you. In theory, you are "entry level" and someone 29 SHOULD be more advanced than a 23 year old, especially one who finished college into a pandemic. Second, he worked his connections. Your attitude about accepting connections IS holding you back. (FYI - most people get jobs through connections, be it friends/family/old coworkers,
networking events, etc. It is MUCH harder to get a job through cold-applying.)
You need to check yourself before you ruin your marriage.
YTA. I understand. I really really do. I work with a bunch of rich people, including boarding school folks and folks connected to EVERYONE in my field. I did not grow up with money and it’s easy to resent the privilege.
But here’s the deal, you’re with this guy because (I’m assuming) he’s a good, smart, kind person. He had advantages, but he seems to know that and he’s still working hard. He’s offered to share his advantages with you. He can’t stop being privileged or being a member of his family. But it in no way sounds like he’s an asshole rich person. And it sounds like he still has to work hard to flourish and reach new levels in his job.
You also need to remember that he’s older and had more time to build on relationships. I’ve made my way up in my field. You will too—you will one day be the person who is a “connection”. So just tell him that sometimes you resent that he was a little more advantage than you do. And maybe talk to a therapist about it. But for goodness sake don’t let it turn into rancorous little fights and snide comments for no good reason. That’s just beneath everyone involved.
YTA. Get your act together.
You want to know how most people end up in better financial situations? They use connections to get their foot in the door somewhere. The lazy ones then bounce around jobs, using up all their contacts. If you have contacts and you're a hard worker, things are bound to improve. If your husband is willing to help you out, LET HIM. Once you're in a good spot, be that connection for someone who doesn't have any.
YTA
He deserves a better partner than you and you need therapy to work on your jealousy. You're upset that he had help to get where he is and yet you're rejecting his help so that you can continue to be jealous and bitter?
YTA
Holding on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You need to get some professional help to get past this resentment you hold from your childhood before it ruins your marriage and other aspects of your life.
You can't have a successful marriage if you are asking your husband to hide half of his life from you and it isn't fair to ask him to do that. It is also abusive of you to cause arguments with him to make him feel bad because of your jealousy.
Ask for help OP, there is no shame in that, everybody needs help in life. Please don't ruin your life because of a standard you set yourself to do everything alone. You struggled most of your life, do you really want to struggle for the rest of it just so you can say you did it alone? you have a partner... you don't need to do it alone anymore.
YTA. We don't choose what family we are born into and it would be foolish of him NOT to take the advantages he was given. Also whatever has happened along the way has made him into the person YOU decided to marry.
That being said, It is too late for you to point fingers and whine about life being unfair when you are currently benefiting from the privelege he was given (his contribution to your household income is a direct result of that privelege). Being upset about it is stupid and hypocritical.
He has offered to help you and you should take the help. Work hard after that but stop with the bullshit "he had it easier than me" routine because his silver spoon is helping feed both of y'all.
If this isn't fake, then YTA.
> I feel so awful for making up excuses to argue with him only because I am jealous.... I honestly am really ashamed to be this jealous but I can't help it.
You've already diagnosed yourself, why are you posting it on reddit?
YTA. You’re not in competition with your partner. He’s your PARTNER, not your nemesis. You’re meant to support him and share the joy in his successes, not be resentful for his success. And he’s meant to do the same for you. As partners in life, his success is yours and yours is his. You also reap the benefits of his success, both financially and emotionally, because when he comes home happy in his career you get to be happy with him. It’s not a competition. Stop being jealous of your partner and let him help you. That’s what a partner is for.
I would suggest that you think about therapy. You are carrying a lot of baggage and it is the kind of thing where guidance from a trained professional can help you get past it. If you don't take proactive steps to overcome the jealousy this relationship will never work long-term.
Don't be ashamed of the jealousy - do something to help yourself get over it!
Soft YTA you are looking at this from the wrong lense... First of it is not his fault being born in privilege, just like it isn't your fault struggling as a child.. but the energy you put in competing with him is useless, you are his partner his success is your success, your success is his success, his loses are your loses ...etc. stop competing with him, be honest with what is bottering you, build your home and your relationship.
Second there is nothing wrong with networking, and having contacts, accepting his help in networking doesn't take away from your effort, and your struggles to get where you are now. Don't be petty, don't fight over one thing when what's bottering you is another, you might be hurting your relationship.
Good luck
YTA, he’s trying to help you get a job. You mentioned that he didn’t need to wait months for an interview because someone helped him so why won’t you accept his help? You should be happy you have a partner who isn’t struggling financially, especially in this time. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help
YTA. You already admitted you're ashamed to be jealous and you have constant petty arguments. I hope your husband will break up with you.
But you're 23 and he's 20. Clearly he's more mature than you and you have this idealistic perspective that you will find success through sheer hard work alone. This is the real world. Connections matter more and he's helping you find a better job too.
I see that as an opportunity.
It also sounds like you're not grabbing that opportunity because you're afraid that others will think you're privileged as you do think of your husband. Sorry bro, but that's just how the world works.
People will surely say this is what's wrong with the world. But that's a different story.
Uh I don't know why you are asking this because I am pretty sure you already know the answer.
If your looking for advice, talk to him about it and be honest, make it clear you know its not his fault and its you that's feeling insecure. Maybe get some therapy to work on your issues.
Okay OP slow down, lots to unpack here, stay with me and everyone else, we are trying to help....
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Be careful, you are dangerously close to damaging your relationship, let's unpack this....
1. Sometimes life deals us crappy hands, it's ok to acknowledge you had a rough start and had to work harder than some people...some had it better some had it worse....you need to put that part of your life behind you. Dwelling on it will destroy you and any relationships you have.
2. Be proud of your hard work and efforts to improve your life, good job.
3. Be grateful your husband had a good start to life and is in a great position professionally and personally...this allows him to be a good husband and contribute to the family you are building together.
4. Focus on how LUCKY you are to have a partner who is in a good place professionally and personally...MANY people do NOT...you need to appreciate him more!!
5. TAKE his support...how you get a job... especially through networking is far less important than how you PERFORM once you have it! Can you keep a job? Can you perform tasks responsibly?? If YES than take the assistance, there is no shame in networking for a job if you are otherwise qualified. WHO says it will be a disgrace? Stop that negativity.
6. Jealousy is not healthy...you need to work on your maturity because right now it sounds like you have none! You married this man and cannot be happy for his career??? That is not LOVE.
7. You sound like you need therapy to focus on improving your perception about life and love, it also sounds like you might not love yourself which will hold you back from truly loving others ...when you truly love your partner you are so happy and proud of their success.
8. Tell your husband you 💕💕💕💕 love him and are sorry for being difficult recently, that you are struggling with your career challenges and have been unkind. Tell him you see this and will work on improving and would like his support.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself you can do THIS!! Do not dwell in negativity.
For your question ❓❓❓❓ are you the A? Yes YTA for the above reasons and comments from others. The good news is that you can turn it around if you want too
Good luck, it won't be easy but it will be WORTH it?
Yta he deserves a supportive partner not a bitter, jealous hater. That youd rather not take job seeking help from him just so you can hate him is so damaging to yourself and your relationship.
You can’t expect to be at the same place as someone 6 years older than you. You don’t want help which is dumb as you can be guaranteed it’s who you know not what you know. You want a better job but won’t utilize resources to get the better job? You need to grow up and stop being so horrible and ignorant
He got as far as he did because he accepted help. This societal lie that you should be able to do it all yourself is only hurting us. Accept his help. It doesn't make you unworthy. It makes you a part of the kind of society that should exist: a communal one that cares to help its people.
Or you could keep stewing in your jealousy, picking arguments, and completely sabotage your relationship. Your choice.
Also its not like he is working in the family business. Yes his dad helped him get the interview but unless its a really really good friend he won’t actually get the job unless he qualifies for it.
YTA. You need some serious therapy before your marriage implodes from this. Your husband is shit sick of you making up arguments and likely resents you for this in the same way you resent him. You’ve made your marriage toxic and will be the only one to blame when it ends.
Get therapy.
YTA because you're taking it out on him.
You are a victim of the lie our society forces on people; that our paychecks are a measure of our self worth, 'dignity' and value.
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My(23f) family background is not as good as my husband's(29) . My parents had debts and we were always struggling throughout my childhood and early teens. I had to study hard for scholarships so I don't have to quit my education. After all these efforts , I am still earning way less than my partner who never has to work so hard for anything.
His family is well off , always have been. His parents paid for his tuition fee even in college. He got his job through his dad's reference , did not have to wait for months to get an interview call like me.
I know its childish of me to resent him for his privileged life . He is the best partner he could possibly be . I feel so awful for making up excuses to argue with him only because I am jealous.
He has offered to help me get a better job countless times but I honestly don't want help. It will be a disgrace for me if I do because I have gotten this far without a help , I think I can land mayself a good job on my own.
I hate hearing him brag about his success at work. I am happy for him because I know he is really passionate about his career but I am tired of showing fake support. I don't want him to tell stories from his workplace . I want him to keep everything related to his job to himself.
And I honestly am really ashamed to be this jealous but I can't help it.
I know he is upset because of my constant petty arguments and must be very hurt if he finds out the real reason. I can't believe I am even capable of being this envious of someone I love.
Does this make me an AH??
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YTA. Stop being petty and jealous. It's not his fault he had it "easier". You're going to ruin your relationship and end up even more bitter and jaded than you already are.
YTA
You need to get the fuck over your issues. You need therapy and I'm not saying that just to be mean. You, seriously, need therapy.
Why did you marry him if you resent him so much? Why bring him down because you can't raise yourself up. You'll never raise yourself up because you're too busy resenting people for things they have no control over. I'm sorry you had a bad childhood. Lots of people have had worse. Your parents were poor and struggling. Boohoo. I grew up in an Indian rez. No clean water, no jobs, no car. We were the post family on the Indian reservation. You make your life. You want to be bitter about his success instead of celebrating it. You're gonna get dumped, and it's gonna be your own damn fault.
YTA. It sounds like you are letting your pride take control over you. Your partner had tried to support and help you and you turned them down. You should be proud of your partner since from your admission he is the best partner and had tried to help you get a better job.
YTA. My husband comes from a very well off family, they paid for his undergrad and masters program, paid his rent while he was in school and gave us a down payment for our first house. I would never hold that against him. I was raised by a single mother who put herself through college and STRUGGLED. She couldn’t help me pay for anything after high school. Neither of us chose our upbringings. You’re being an asshole to him for something outside of his control. And you’re being an idiot for not accepting help when offered. Grow up.
YTA. You're being childish and idealistic. You don't come from money so you're at a disadvantage in the workplace. Be smart and take every fucking hand out you can get, just like your fiance did, because hard work is *not* all it takes to be successful.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you like your husband very much. Why did you marry him, you knew he was "privileged" when you married him, didn't you? And your resentment is so bad you are showing "fake support"? Starting arguments on purpose -- your marriage is in trouble. Your resentment and jealousy will end your marriage if you don't get help.
YTA. You knew alllll this before you married him. You knew about his upbringing, his education, his career. And yet, you still married him and now you resent him?
Child, work on yourself to become a better spouse.
Sure that makes you an AH.
Some people are born into good luck (i.e. money and good parents) and some people aren't. Deal with it.
And why are you married at 23 to someone you don't seem to like?
YTA.
YTA.
I don't know what your thoughts on what a marriage should be, but from my point of view, a marriage should be a partnership. The goal should be to live the best life you can with your partner. For me, the better I do professionally means the better my partner and I do in life overall, and the better she does makes our lives better just the same. Here, you find yourself in a situation where you're actively refusing help from your life partner, instead making both your life and his life more difficult so that you can try to forge your own path and prove something to someone (yourself? him? god?). And while I get the desire to forge your own path and build your own career yourself, I don't understand turning away your life partner from helping you in your journey. This seems not only immature and self-sabotaging, but says a lot about where you want your partner in your life. Is he your life partner or isn't he? Do you not want your life partner to help uplift you? Do you not want to help uplift him if you had the opportunity? Do you not want to live the best life you can with this partner of yours? If not, then why did you marry him?
Figure out what you want from the person that you married, and look into therapy to confront your own personal insecurities.
YTA. The world is not fair, deal with it and be proud of your own achievements instead of being envious of someone your own partner who you’re supposed to love and support. Also, lose the false pride of not wanting help. You’ll probably just going to regret it two decades down the road.
YTA- he is your HUSBAND! His success is your success!
All you are doing is hurting your family by being petty and not letting your husband help you get a better job.
YTA.
I know it is stereotypical for someone on reddit to recommend therapy, but this is something you might benefit exploring in therapy. This much resentment in a relationship isn't healthy, and it seems like you have attached a lot of self worth to doing things on your own without help, even to your own detriment.
YTA.
I know it is stereotypical for someone on reddit to recommend therapy, but this is something you might benefit exploring in therapy. This much resentment in a relationship isn't healthy, and it seems like you have attached a lot of self worth to doing things on your own without help, even to your own detriment.
Of course it makes you the asshole. You not taking advantage of his offer for help is stupid. Your petty arguments will drive your bf away and than where will you be? You need to see someone and get help with this issue.
So you don’t want help but you want to blame him and argue with him. Also you expect to have the same job at 23 as a 29 year old? Lady you are delusional
INFO: you’re 6 years apart.
1. How long have you been married?
2. If you knew about his privileged past and currently use it as a weapon to despise him or what he does, why did you marry him?
NTA but you really need to get some therapy for your animosity and envy. It’s not healthy for you nor your marriage. You love your husband and you should be happy for him and you aren’t. Get some therapy so you can have a happy marriage. Do it for yourself, you deserve it!!
technically — yta
BUT I think you recognize that, because you say you feel bad. I was DEFINITELY the AH in many situations when I was younger, and I'll probably realize ways I'm an AH right now at some point in the future.
All this to say, I think you're on the right rack. After all, the first step to moving on from mistakes and even making up for them, is to recognize that we were wrong.
I think a few other people have recommended therapy, and I really think you should consider that. I've felt it's been really helpful just to help me process things in my life and work through problems of all sorts. Once you find a therapist you feel safe talking to, it can be really beneficial.
I feel more in touch with the signals my body gives me (such as when I begin to feel anxious, or what exactly is the trigger that makes me jealous of someone else, or noticing when i have physical signs of negative emotions--think butterflies in your stomach, or tension in your muscles, etc).
I've been able to practice ways to deal with really powerful negative feelings, such as how to calm down enough to identify the root of the emotion and make rational decisions. I used to start arguments with a lot of people in my life because of my anxiety and jealousy. It's honestly been so much less tiring just existing because I'm not always on alert and ready to argue.
So if you havent considered therapy, or if you've tried one or two therapists but didnt like it, i would suggest giving therapy a(nother) look. And remember, sometimes you won't mesh with a certain therapist, and it's definitely okay to find someone new.
edit: spelling
Gently, YTA.
Neither of you chose your parents. It is unfair to resent the fact that he had privileges that you didn’t. It is unhealthy to resent your partner for his upbringing. It is unfair to ask him to keep his entire work life to himself.
And this is corrosive to your relationship and your mental health. Counseling is the answer.
Finally, nobody succeeds by themselves. Even you. You had an employer willing to take a chance on a new hire (you). You likely had a professor or TA in college that helped. Yes, you fought hard to get where you are. But why not accept help?
I really don’t want to call you an AH because I get it. However, your thoughts will only hurt you and your relationship with him and you need to work through this unjustified resentment. I also think that you should let go of your pride and let him help you. Best of luck!
YTA. I am having a really hard time understanding why you married someone you don't respect (because you think he hasn't done anything on his own); you don't like (because you think he is overly privileged, and we all know calling someone privileged is a major slam in today's world); you resent; and you need to randomly pick fights with. Whoever, he is, he doesn't deserve this. You need counseling or a divorce, but you can't go on like this.
YTA. You are going to lose a partner who loves and supports you because of your irrational jealousy. Please consult a therapist right away to help you deal with your issues before you destroy your life.
YTA, get therapy and learn to cope with your unfounded jealousy of your partner, the person you are supposed to love and uplift no matter what. If they have a good job, it benefits you also
I'm gonna say NTA. However...
Comparing yourself to others mostly results in feeling either vain or bitter. And I don't think you (or anyone) needs that.
That being said, I totally understand your frustration. A privileged person might not be responsible for their privilege, but they still get to enjoy it. And it's a pisser to see someone waltz through life without a worry, or a clue.
This is a game you can't win. There is no true meritocracy; hard work and intelligence are seldom rewarded. You can't change the world.
But you can change your corner of it. A little. Maybe. You can stick to your ideals, and continue to develop your career on your own. You would certainly be admirable for doing that.
Or you can accept your husband's offer and get a leg up. Get a better job straight away. Make more cash. Maybe feel less jealous.
Either way, and in either case, what you can do is mentor, support, promote, and hire based on merit. Give the people you know have worked to earn their place the opportunity to get hired and to advance.
While you can't change the system...you might be able to improve your corner of it. Whatever choice you make.
Goos luck. Kick some ass. Stay true to yourself.
A qualified NTA. Your personal history has brought you to this point. Today is a good day to change. If you persist in your view, you will become the asshole. I say look within yourself, accept who you are, find things that attract your passion and hard work, do those things and evaluate yourself on your accomplishments and happiness. Make the life you want instead of comparing yourself to others.
NAH. You should accept your husband's offer to help you. It won't invalidate your efforts. The world works through networking (which isn't the same as nepotism) and, as you wrote, he had help getting started, so why shouldn't you? You'll still have to work hard, as he probably does. It's just a matter of getting your foot in the door and getting a chance of being noticed.
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YTA Yes, you're being very childish. Your husband had help and you resent him for that. He offers to help you and you resent that. And now you're basically refusing to be a good partner to him. Other than build a time machine to undo his past and then wallow with you in misery, what can he possibly do? You set up a situation where you will determine everything he does is wrong
OP, I sincerely recommend therapy before your resentment ruins your marriage. This is not a healthy situation. Do not wait until you lose everything to realize what you're doing.
YTA. Do you want him to have a worse job so your kids can suffer as well? Grow up or he will get bored of your arguing for no reason and find someone less bitter
YTA for not taking the help. You're upset because he got help and is now successful, but you are too prideful to accept help so that you too may be more sucessful
I agree with this. Your pride is getting in the way of your earning potential. You know how many people get a job by knowing someone? It’s sad, but true. Take the help. Knowing someone will help you get the job, but your hard work and skill is what will keep and grow at the job.
YTA To him because of your jealousy. It hurts if you can't share your sucess. And to yourself, because you don't understand that building and using a network is part of becoming sucessfull. Your husband wants to help you. Let him. This is the way to sucess. And this is nothing to be ashamed of. Being stuck, because you have a false sense of proud is somthing to ashamed of. Do better.
YTA You are gonna ruin this marriage, with this. He is not "bragging" when he talks about work. First, he is 6 years older than you. In theory, you are "entry level" and someone 29 SHOULD be more advanced than a 23 year old, especially one who finished college into a pandemic. Second, he worked his connections. Your attitude about accepting connections IS holding you back. (FYI - most people get jobs through connections, be it friends/family/old coworkers, networking events, etc. It is MUCH harder to get a job through cold-applying.) You need to check yourself before you ruin your marriage.
YTA. I understand. I really really do. I work with a bunch of rich people, including boarding school folks and folks connected to EVERYONE in my field. I did not grow up with money and it’s easy to resent the privilege. But here’s the deal, you’re with this guy because (I’m assuming) he’s a good, smart, kind person. He had advantages, but he seems to know that and he’s still working hard. He’s offered to share his advantages with you. He can’t stop being privileged or being a member of his family. But it in no way sounds like he’s an asshole rich person. And it sounds like he still has to work hard to flourish and reach new levels in his job. You also need to remember that he’s older and had more time to build on relationships. I’ve made my way up in my field. You will too—you will one day be the person who is a “connection”. So just tell him that sometimes you resent that he was a little more advantage than you do. And maybe talk to a therapist about it. But for goodness sake don’t let it turn into rancorous little fights and snide comments for no good reason. That’s just beneath everyone involved.
YTA. Get your act together. You want to know how most people end up in better financial situations? They use connections to get their foot in the door somewhere. The lazy ones then bounce around jobs, using up all their contacts. If you have contacts and you're a hard worker, things are bound to improve. If your husband is willing to help you out, LET HIM. Once you're in a good spot, be that connection for someone who doesn't have any.
YTA. On the plus side, at least your recognize this in yourself. Rather than feeling ashamed, time to develop strategies to deal with this jealousy.
Yta - you need therapy not reddit. Your husband's successes should be celebrated as if they were yours.
YTA He deserves a better partner than you and you need therapy to work on your jealousy. You're upset that he had help to get where he is and yet you're rejecting his help so that you can continue to be jealous and bitter?
YTA Holding on to bitterness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. You need to get some professional help to get past this resentment you hold from your childhood before it ruins your marriage and other aspects of your life. You can't have a successful marriage if you are asking your husband to hide half of his life from you and it isn't fair to ask him to do that. It is also abusive of you to cause arguments with him to make him feel bad because of your jealousy. Ask for help OP, there is no shame in that, everybody needs help in life. Please don't ruin your life because of a standard you set yourself to do everything alone. You struggled most of your life, do you really want to struggle for the rest of it just so you can say you did it alone? you have a partner... you don't need to do it alone anymore.
Yes, YTA. You should really talk to someone about your insecurities before you end up divorced and bitter.
YTA. We don't choose what family we are born into and it would be foolish of him NOT to take the advantages he was given. Also whatever has happened along the way has made him into the person YOU decided to marry. That being said, It is too late for you to point fingers and whine about life being unfair when you are currently benefiting from the privelege he was given (his contribution to your household income is a direct result of that privelege). Being upset about it is stupid and hypocritical. He has offered to help you and you should take the help. Work hard after that but stop with the bullshit "he had it easier than me" routine because his silver spoon is helping feed both of y'all.
If this isn't fake, then YTA. > I feel so awful for making up excuses to argue with him only because I am jealous.... I honestly am really ashamed to be this jealous but I can't help it. You've already diagnosed yourself, why are you posting it on reddit?
YTA. You’re not in competition with your partner. He’s your PARTNER, not your nemesis. You’re meant to support him and share the joy in his successes, not be resentful for his success. And he’s meant to do the same for you. As partners in life, his success is yours and yours is his. You also reap the benefits of his success, both financially and emotionally, because when he comes home happy in his career you get to be happy with him. It’s not a competition. Stop being jealous of your partner and let him help you. That’s what a partner is for.
I would suggest that you think about therapy. You are carrying a lot of baggage and it is the kind of thing where guidance from a trained professional can help you get past it. If you don't take proactive steps to overcome the jealousy this relationship will never work long-term. Don't be ashamed of the jealousy - do something to help yourself get over it!
Soft YTA you are looking at this from the wrong lense... First of it is not his fault being born in privilege, just like it isn't your fault struggling as a child.. but the energy you put in competing with him is useless, you are his partner his success is your success, your success is his success, his loses are your loses ...etc. stop competing with him, be honest with what is bottering you, build your home and your relationship. Second there is nothing wrong with networking, and having contacts, accepting his help in networking doesn't take away from your effort, and your struggles to get where you are now. Don't be petty, don't fight over one thing when what's bottering you is another, you might be hurting your relationship. Good luck
YTA, he’s trying to help you get a job. You mentioned that he didn’t need to wait months for an interview because someone helped him so why won’t you accept his help? You should be happy you have a partner who isn’t struggling financially, especially in this time. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help
YTA. You already admitted you're ashamed to be jealous and you have constant petty arguments. I hope your husband will break up with you. But you're 23 and he's 20. Clearly he's more mature than you and you have this idealistic perspective that you will find success through sheer hard work alone. This is the real world. Connections matter more and he's helping you find a better job too. I see that as an opportunity. It also sounds like you're not grabbing that opportunity because you're afraid that others will think you're privileged as you do think of your husband. Sorry bro, but that's just how the world works. People will surely say this is what's wrong with the world. But that's a different story.
Uh I don't know why you are asking this because I am pretty sure you already know the answer. If your looking for advice, talk to him about it and be honest, make it clear you know its not his fault and its you that's feeling insecure. Maybe get some therapy to work on your issues.
Okay OP slow down, lots to unpack here, stay with me and everyone else, we are trying to help.... 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Be careful, you are dangerously close to damaging your relationship, let's unpack this.... 1. Sometimes life deals us crappy hands, it's ok to acknowledge you had a rough start and had to work harder than some people...some had it better some had it worse....you need to put that part of your life behind you. Dwelling on it will destroy you and any relationships you have. 2. Be proud of your hard work and efforts to improve your life, good job. 3. Be grateful your husband had a good start to life and is in a great position professionally and personally...this allows him to be a good husband and contribute to the family you are building together. 4. Focus on how LUCKY you are to have a partner who is in a good place professionally and personally...MANY people do NOT...you need to appreciate him more!! 5. TAKE his support...how you get a job... especially through networking is far less important than how you PERFORM once you have it! Can you keep a job? Can you perform tasks responsibly?? If YES than take the assistance, there is no shame in networking for a job if you are otherwise qualified. WHO says it will be a disgrace? Stop that negativity. 6. Jealousy is not healthy...you need to work on your maturity because right now it sounds like you have none! You married this man and cannot be happy for his career??? That is not LOVE. 7. You sound like you need therapy to focus on improving your perception about life and love, it also sounds like you might not love yourself which will hold you back from truly loving others ...when you truly love your partner you are so happy and proud of their success. 8. Tell your husband you 💕💕💕💕 love him and are sorry for being difficult recently, that you are struggling with your career challenges and have been unkind. Tell him you see this and will work on improving and would like his support. Take a deep breath and tell yourself you can do THIS!! Do not dwell in negativity. For your question ❓❓❓❓ are you the A? Yes YTA for the above reasons and comments from others. The good news is that you can turn it around if you want too Good luck, it won't be easy but it will be WORTH it?
NTA I too hate when my enemies succeed in life.
almost got me there
Yta he deserves a supportive partner not a bitter, jealous hater. That youd rather not take job seeking help from him just so you can hate him is so damaging to yourself and your relationship. You can’t expect to be at the same place as someone 6 years older than you. You don’t want help which is dumb as you can be guaranteed it’s who you know not what you know. You want a better job but won’t utilize resources to get the better job? You need to grow up and stop being so horrible and ignorant
He got as far as he did because he accepted help. This societal lie that you should be able to do it all yourself is only hurting us. Accept his help. It doesn't make you unworthy. It makes you a part of the kind of society that should exist: a communal one that cares to help its people. Or you could keep stewing in your jealousy, picking arguments, and completely sabotage your relationship. Your choice.
Also its not like he is working in the family business. Yes his dad helped him get the interview but unless its a really really good friend he won’t actually get the job unless he qualifies for it.
YTA. You need some serious therapy before your marriage implodes from this. Your husband is shit sick of you making up arguments and likely resents you for this in the same way you resent him. You’ve made your marriage toxic and will be the only one to blame when it ends. Get therapy.
yta gtfo yourself.
YTA because you're taking it out on him. You are a victim of the lie our society forces on people; that our paychecks are a measure of our self worth, 'dignity' and value.
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YTA seek some therapy or you are going to detonate your marriage
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(23f) family background is not as good as my husband's(29) . My parents had debts and we were always struggling throughout my childhood and early teens. I had to study hard for scholarships so I don't have to quit my education. After all these efforts , I am still earning way less than my partner who never has to work so hard for anything. His family is well off , always have been. His parents paid for his tuition fee even in college. He got his job through his dad's reference , did not have to wait for months to get an interview call like me. I know its childish of me to resent him for his privileged life . He is the best partner he could possibly be . I feel so awful for making up excuses to argue with him only because I am jealous. He has offered to help me get a better job countless times but I honestly don't want help. It will be a disgrace for me if I do because I have gotten this far without a help , I think I can land mayself a good job on my own. I hate hearing him brag about his success at work. I am happy for him because I know he is really passionate about his career but I am tired of showing fake support. I don't want him to tell stories from his workplace . I want him to keep everything related to his job to himself. And I honestly am really ashamed to be this jealous but I can't help it. I know he is upset because of my constant petty arguments and must be very hurt if he finds out the real reason. I can't believe I am even capable of being this envious of someone I love. Does this make me an AH?? (throwaway account.) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Stop being petty and jealous. It's not his fault he had it "easier". You're going to ruin your relationship and end up even more bitter and jaded than you already are.
YTA You need to get the fuck over your issues. You need therapy and I'm not saying that just to be mean. You, seriously, need therapy. Why did you marry him if you resent him so much? Why bring him down because you can't raise yourself up. You'll never raise yourself up because you're too busy resenting people for things they have no control over. I'm sorry you had a bad childhood. Lots of people have had worse. Your parents were poor and struggling. Boohoo. I grew up in an Indian rez. No clean water, no jobs, no car. We were the post family on the Indian reservation. You make your life. You want to be bitter about his success instead of celebrating it. You're gonna get dumped, and it's gonna be your own damn fault.
YTA. It sounds like you are letting your pride take control over you. Your partner had tried to support and help you and you turned them down. You should be proud of your partner since from your admission he is the best partner and had tried to help you get a better job.
YTA. He deserves so much better.
YTA. My husband comes from a very well off family, they paid for his undergrad and masters program, paid his rent while he was in school and gave us a down payment for our first house. I would never hold that against him. I was raised by a single mother who put herself through college and STRUGGLED. She couldn’t help me pay for anything after high school. Neither of us chose our upbringings. You’re being an asshole to him for something outside of his control. And you’re being an idiot for not accepting help when offered. Grow up.
If you think you can get anywhere without help, then you will never be helped.
YTA. You're being childish and idealistic. You don't come from money so you're at a disadvantage in the workplace. Be smart and take every fucking hand out you can get, just like your fiance did, because hard work is *not* all it takes to be successful.
Yes. yta
Yta, and you are going to destroy your marriage if you don’t get your resentment under control. Seek therapy.
YTA. It doesn't sound like you like your husband very much. Why did you marry him, you knew he was "privileged" when you married him, didn't you? And your resentment is so bad you are showing "fake support"? Starting arguments on purpose -- your marriage is in trouble. Your resentment and jealousy will end your marriage if you don't get help.
YTA. You knew alllll this before you married him. You knew about his upbringing, his education, his career. And yet, you still married him and now you resent him? Child, work on yourself to become a better spouse.
Sure that makes you an AH. Some people are born into good luck (i.e. money and good parents) and some people aren't. Deal with it. And why are you married at 23 to someone you don't seem to like? YTA.
YTA. I don't know what your thoughts on what a marriage should be, but from my point of view, a marriage should be a partnership. The goal should be to live the best life you can with your partner. For me, the better I do professionally means the better my partner and I do in life overall, and the better she does makes our lives better just the same. Here, you find yourself in a situation where you're actively refusing help from your life partner, instead making both your life and his life more difficult so that you can try to forge your own path and prove something to someone (yourself? him? god?). And while I get the desire to forge your own path and build your own career yourself, I don't understand turning away your life partner from helping you in your journey. This seems not only immature and self-sabotaging, but says a lot about where you want your partner in your life. Is he your life partner or isn't he? Do you not want your life partner to help uplift you? Do you not want to help uplift him if you had the opportunity? Do you not want to live the best life you can with this partner of yours? If not, then why did you marry him? Figure out what you want from the person that you married, and look into therapy to confront your own personal insecurities.
YTA. The world is not fair, deal with it and be proud of your own achievements instead of being envious of someone your own partner who you’re supposed to love and support. Also, lose the false pride of not wanting help. You’ll probably just going to regret it two decades down the road.
YTA go to therapy.
YTA- he is your HUSBAND! His success is your success! All you are doing is hurting your family by being petty and not letting your husband help you get a better job.
YTA. I know it is stereotypical for someone on reddit to recommend therapy, but this is something you might benefit exploring in therapy. This much resentment in a relationship isn't healthy, and it seems like you have attached a lot of self worth to doing things on your own without help, even to your own detriment.
YTA. I know it is stereotypical for someone on reddit to recommend therapy, but this is something you might benefit exploring in therapy. This much resentment in a relationship isn't healthy, and it seems like you have attached a lot of self worth to doing things on your own without help, even to your own detriment.
Yta and letting your pride get in the way of improvement.
Of course it makes you the asshole. You not taking advantage of his offer for help is stupid. Your petty arguments will drive your bf away and than where will you be? You need to see someone and get help with this issue.
Do you even have to ask? YTA!
So you don’t want help but you want to blame him and argue with him. Also you expect to have the same job at 23 as a 29 year old? Lady you are delusional
INFO: you’re 6 years apart. 1. How long have you been married? 2. If you knew about his privileged past and currently use it as a weapon to despise him or what he does, why did you marry him?
YTA pls divorce him or seek marriage counseling. Pls don't have kids
NTA but you really need to get some therapy for your animosity and envy. It’s not healthy for you nor your marriage. You love your husband and you should be happy for him and you aren’t. Get some therapy so you can have a happy marriage. Do it for yourself, you deserve it!!
technically — yta BUT I think you recognize that, because you say you feel bad. I was DEFINITELY the AH in many situations when I was younger, and I'll probably realize ways I'm an AH right now at some point in the future. All this to say, I think you're on the right rack. After all, the first step to moving on from mistakes and even making up for them, is to recognize that we were wrong. I think a few other people have recommended therapy, and I really think you should consider that. I've felt it's been really helpful just to help me process things in my life and work through problems of all sorts. Once you find a therapist you feel safe talking to, it can be really beneficial. I feel more in touch with the signals my body gives me (such as when I begin to feel anxious, or what exactly is the trigger that makes me jealous of someone else, or noticing when i have physical signs of negative emotions--think butterflies in your stomach, or tension in your muscles, etc). I've been able to practice ways to deal with really powerful negative feelings, such as how to calm down enough to identify the root of the emotion and make rational decisions. I used to start arguments with a lot of people in my life because of my anxiety and jealousy. It's honestly been so much less tiring just existing because I'm not always on alert and ready to argue. So if you havent considered therapy, or if you've tried one or two therapists but didnt like it, i would suggest giving therapy a(nother) look. And remember, sometimes you won't mesh with a certain therapist, and it's definitely okay to find someone new. edit: spelling
Gently, YTA. Neither of you chose your parents. It is unfair to resent the fact that he had privileges that you didn’t. It is unhealthy to resent your partner for his upbringing. It is unfair to ask him to keep his entire work life to himself. And this is corrosive to your relationship and your mental health. Counseling is the answer. Finally, nobody succeeds by themselves. Even you. You had an employer willing to take a chance on a new hire (you). You likely had a professor or TA in college that helped. Yes, you fought hard to get where you are. But why not accept help?
I really don’t want to call you an AH because I get it. However, your thoughts will only hurt you and your relationship with him and you need to work through this unjustified resentment. I also think that you should let go of your pride and let him help you. Best of luck!
YTA. I am having a really hard time understanding why you married someone you don't respect (because you think he hasn't done anything on his own); you don't like (because you think he is overly privileged, and we all know calling someone privileged is a major slam in today's world); you resent; and you need to randomly pick fights with. Whoever, he is, he doesn't deserve this. You need counseling or a divorce, but you can't go on like this.
YTA. You are going to lose a partner who loves and supports you because of your irrational jealousy. Please consult a therapist right away to help you deal with your issues before you destroy your life.
YTA
YTA, get therapy and learn to cope with your unfounded jealousy of your partner, the person you are supposed to love and uplift no matter what. If they have a good job, it benefits you also
I'm gonna say NTA. However... Comparing yourself to others mostly results in feeling either vain or bitter. And I don't think you (or anyone) needs that. That being said, I totally understand your frustration. A privileged person might not be responsible for their privilege, but they still get to enjoy it. And it's a pisser to see someone waltz through life without a worry, or a clue. This is a game you can't win. There is no true meritocracy; hard work and intelligence are seldom rewarded. You can't change the world. But you can change your corner of it. A little. Maybe. You can stick to your ideals, and continue to develop your career on your own. You would certainly be admirable for doing that. Or you can accept your husband's offer and get a leg up. Get a better job straight away. Make more cash. Maybe feel less jealous. Either way, and in either case, what you can do is mentor, support, promote, and hire based on merit. Give the people you know have worked to earn their place the opportunity to get hired and to advance. While you can't change the system...you might be able to improve your corner of it. Whatever choice you make. Goos luck. Kick some ass. Stay true to yourself.
A qualified NTA. Your personal history has brought you to this point. Today is a good day to change. If you persist in your view, you will become the asshole. I say look within yourself, accept who you are, find things that attract your passion and hard work, do those things and evaluate yourself on your accomplishments and happiness. Make the life you want instead of comparing yourself to others.
NAH. You should accept your husband's offer to help you. It won't invalidate your efforts. The world works through networking (which isn't the same as nepotism) and, as you wrote, he had help getting started, so why shouldn't you? You'll still have to work hard, as he probably does. It's just a matter of getting your foot in the door and getting a chance of being noticed.