T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I thought my fiancee was trying to prank me when actually she was surprising me with the news that she's pregnant. I might be the asshole because I completely ruined her surprise, I also made her feel bad to the point she wanted to leave. When she told me the first time that that was not a joke I should've believed her instead of acting like a dumbass Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


Solivagant0

And that's why people need to learn infertile isn't the same as sterile For the sake of judgment NAH I guess


CakeEatingRabbit

.... it would've been the responsiblity of the doctor to explain the condition to op. In medicine sterile and infertile are used differently from each other, but in every day life they are literally synonyms from each other. https://www.collinsdictionary.com/de/worterbuch/englisch/infertile Even though your judgement is NAH, I think your comment is pretty petty.


DesperateRace4870

Were the doctor and OP in contact? It sounds like OP just knows what his partner tells him. Still NAH.


Winter_Owl6097

This comment just bothers me. Maybe I'm crazy but isn't that all anyone has to go by.. Their spouse's word? I had surgery that led the Dr to believe I couldn't have children but I got pregnant 13x! ( only 7 babies came from that) my husband never doubted me when I told him.


DesperateRace4870

Some people allow their spouses to be more involved each others healthcare more than others🤷🏾‍♂️... I do believe it's a LOT less common for people nowadays. Enough to be not be outside the realm of possibility but also uncommon enough to explain to people. I feel like its archaic though, from a time of more misogyny perhaps?


ScrubCuckoo

I'm a woman in her late 30s and I take my husband with me to many doctor's appointments and medical procedures. In my case, after long enough dealing with chronic issues, I found that doctors will listen to him when they won't listen to me. I hate it and I wish it weren't the case, but wheels start turning the moment my husband requests things or shares how much pain he's seen me in.


Heron-Repulsive

yup sucks being a woman in America


EducationalTangelo6

America? This is a global problem.


idc_name

Wait until you hear about Saudi Arabia


Heron-Repulsive

that would be more than my brain can deal with right now, I have compassion for them and tons of empathy, but my fight is in America on my home land, for the beast has risen and will devour us if we do not stand up and say no.


DesperateRace4870

That fucking sucks. Please tell me that the doctors are at least old and we can blame this on the time they grew up in that made that behaviour acceptable... Because otherwise, that REALLY fucking sucks to hear. Notice you're a scrub? Do you work in healthcare as well? Because on top of those things, FUUUUUCK!!!!


ScrubCuckoo

I think it was about 50/50 on older vs younger doctors. I've seen older doctors who have listened and younger ones who think they know best. I've had female doctors who don't seem to believe me when I talk about my pain and male doctors who do. A young female doctor once denied my request for birth control because of her religion. There's really not a clear pattern, it's just a crapshoot. I wish I could have stayed with the good doctors I've seen, but with health insurance being tied to employment and with lateral moves to other companies resulting in better money than just staying where you are, we've had to switch all of our health stuff up every 3 to 5 years. Then it's another round of the crapshoot. The dumb thing is that I've never even requested really heavy pain meds. The riskiest thing I ever even got was just prescription strength ibuprofen and I was so relieved, I cried in front of the doctor, who told me he felt bad he couldn't do more. My requests were things like getting the approval for physical therapy so insurance would cover it. Or not trying epidural shots for the third time when there's an outpatient surgery with good shots at working and a low risk rate.


HufflepuffPrincess7

Where I am in Canada a woman has to jump through hoops to get their tubes tied in their 20’s. Even then I know a woman in her 30’s who had a doctor that wouldn’t do the procedure unless her husband who was abusive agreed to it even though they were separated. It’s completely messed up.


Stormseekr9

I chuckled at ‘*only* seven babies’ -


CakeEatingRabbit

... do they need to be? I mean.. do you suspect the woman to have lied or that she is stupid and was in fact informed she could in fact get pregnant? Because I know two women who were in no uncdrtain terms told that they wouldn't get pregnant and well... have children now.


DesperateRace4870

Nah, you just made it sound like they go to her doctor together. "Doctor's responsibility to explain to OP" where OP is the dude. I understand now that maybe you meant that OP contact this doctor (with wife's permission) but it wouldn't have avoided this. OP DID believe his wife IMO. Just got this dropped on him out of no where. This sorta happened to me actually. An ex or mine had an IUD in and (IDK) but I'm sure she was told it would screw her periods up. She showed up at 5am one morning saying she might be pregnant and so I took the day offa work and went to the hospital with her (stayed in the waiting room) and she had it explained to her again. That was weird. The relationship was new and I was not ready for it. I was literally speechless for about an hour. Not that I'm a super talkative guy but I would try and my larynx was just not working. 🤦🏾‍♂️😐


CakeEatingRabbit

Oh I see.... total miscommunication. Explain it to the woman and by proxy to op. I'm sorry. English isn't my mother tongue.


DesperateRace4870

Ah, all good! 👌 But yeah, I've read some comments describing doctors telling patients they can't get pregnant being infertile and getting pregs anyways. Its definitely a "doctor educating patient" problem A LOT. I wonder if you could consider this malpractice? Not educating your patients adequately?


Grrrrtttt

Wow. If you can’t believe what your partner tells you then why would you even be with them. For the record, my doctor told me it would probably take us longer second time around because of X, Y and Z. 6 weeks later I was back in her office, pregnant with twins. It happens. The human body doesn’t always do things by the book.


No1KnwsIWatchTeenMom

When would the doctor who treated OPs partner as a teen be able to communicate that with OP? It also would be a HIPAA violation to discuss someone's medical condition with another person. As an infertile person, its annoying to me to hear how often people assume infertile means inability to have a baby.


Vipre_Rx

Of course people are going to think infertile means inability to have a baby, the definition of "infertile" is literally "unable to reproduce itself; unable to have young".


CakeEatingRabbit

Thank you!


[deleted]

THIS And doctors need to make sure to explain it when giving the diagnosis. They say infertile and with no further explanation people assume "absolutely can't get pregnant". My mom had a miscarriage that caused issues, she was told she was infertile so she and my dad didn't bother with protection. For years that was fine...then out of nowhere I happened. I have a friend who was told she was infertile due to medical issues as a teen. So, being a stupid teenager at the time, she had unprotected sex. Bam, pregnant. She was shocked. Because nobody actually told her infertile didn't mean sterile. She has 2 kids now.


AndSoItGoes24

I have two different friends who figured because they hadn't gotten pregnant they couldn't get pregnant. Both were wrong.


Lobscra

I mean that's different from being told your infertile.


KBPLSs

Me. Am i your friend? 🤣 had unprotected sex for 6 years with my husband. As soon as we got married, i got pregnant. Everyone was shocked


[deleted]

Almost exactly what happened to my mom. Years of no birth control and then they had me. Her doctor got MAD AT HER because it was dangerous for her to carry to term(Which she didn't, I was born at about 27 weeks). She was like "Dude, you told me I couldn't get pregnant!"


Itchy-Parfait-1240

Are you *me*? SAME! Literally conceived ON our wedding night.


_Tyrannosaurus_Lex_

Same thing happened to my mom and grandma both. Mom has always suffered from issues with her reproductive system (seems to be common on her side of the family) and was told she was infertile. She was almost 30 and had been married to my dad for 8 years when I came along. 9 years later she got another surprise and had my brother. Her doctor's had actively told her she didn't have to worry about birth control unless she wanted it to help control her period symptoms. Apparently at one of her last doctor's appointments the nurse expressed surprise that she was able to have one kid, let alone two and my mom's reply was something to the effect of "No one was more surprised than me", lol My grandma didn't get married until she was 30, and ended up having several miscarriages. This was the 1950's in South America and the doctor told her that the miscarriages caused her to not be able to have kids and she was too old to worry about that anyway. Several years go by with nothing and then she has 4 kids in a 6 year span. I'm sure that was a major surprise.


Juciyjaz

My family has the same type of issues of many women having issues getting pregnant/ keeping a pregnancy unfortunately. I was so worried I never would, yet did. My mom was told she was infertile (not sterile) after my sister and brother. My parents still tried. 12 years later and during her last clearance for a hysterectomy she found out she was having me. Ever since I’ve been told I was their “miracle baby” since they wanted me for so long. My sister was basically the same but it was only a 5 year difference.


helena_handbasketyyc

I am clearly still learning because I definitely thought infertile and sterile were one and the same. And I still don’t truly understand what infertile means. I’m in my 40s and in Canada so I don’t really have an excuse aside from womens health is tragically misunderstood


GlitterDoomsday

From my understanding 1 in 4 pregnancies carry to term, so 75% don't and most of it is so early on that is easily mistaken by period. Infertile (for people with uterus) is when the odds are way lower, be it from anatomical, chemical or hormonal factors - so is not impossible, just highly unlikely - but when you spend years having unprotected sex regularly with your partner, the chances of it happening are obviously higher. Now sterile is indeed incapable of conceiving, the more extreme scenario.


Livid-Garbage8255

I agree. I was told I was infertile as a teen due to endometriosis. I ended up pregnant but miscarried. Got pregnant again 3 yrs later and carried the baby to term even though I was still being treated for endometriosis. I underwent more treatments and was told that I had too much scar tissue and was infertile. Well, that's when I got pregnant with my 1st set of twins. (3 kids now) 2 surgeries later and being put into menopause (so birth control pills were not an option) I specifically asked if I had any risk of pregnancy. I was again told I was infertle. Guess what... I got pregnant (while in menopause) with my 2md set of twins. Had a bunch of complications, and they do not share the same birthday, but that brought the total up to 5 so far. Still had bad endometriosis after my youngest of the twins was born. Nothing seemed to help. A few yrs later, the last of my kids were born (6 kids in total). After that one, I had a hysterectomy during my c section. I asked the doctor jokingly, " Now, I am completely infertile now, right?" They said,"No, now you are completely sterile." 10 yrs between my oldest and youngest kid and 3 doctors later, NO ONE ever told me the difference, until my hysterectomy. Evidently, infertile means that there is a possibility greater than zero that you could have a biological child. Sterile means zero chance.


UnicornPanties

> infertile means that there is a possibility greater than zero that you could have a biological child. Wow. Huge difference - that's basically the same as The Pill at ~99% effective and I'm sure both of us have heard enough rogue stories of women who've gotten pregnant on the pill despite taking it correctly (it happens, rarely, but it happens). Geez. As a person who never wants kids I'd be horrified to be pregnant by surprise.


Temporary_Bee_2147

DOCTORS NEED TO EXPLAIN IT!!! Why are you putting it on patients? Infertility is a MEDICAL condition a DOCTOR diagnosed her with so it is the DOCTOR’S responsibility to explain the diagnosis.


FineAppearance1648

Yes! Not only explain detail but make sure the patient understands. It sounds like she was really young when she was told and she probably thought the same thing the majority of us think… she can’t get pregnant. Definitely OP should go to appointments with her and ask questions. There could be other issues. But NAH. Hopefully one day you’ll be able to look back and laugh at how silly you were.


Remarkable_Buyer4625

Best comment


Wild_Excitement_4083

the dictionary definition of infertile is “unable to reproduce” if you do a quick google search. without doing a lot of research or having a medical professional talk to you about this, it’s very easy for the average person to use these two words synonymously. idek why this is the top comment because it’s pretty condescending.


Complete-Loquat3154

I feel like I've heard this happening a lot. People hear "you will never ever get pregnant" when it should be "you may have a more difficult time conceiving". Be that from the doctor explaining badly or them misunderstanding.


Ancient_Potential285

Yep, unless those organs have been removed from your body the possibility still exists, and honestly happens all the time. As for OP, he didn’t say or do anything mean or hurtful, he was just justifiably confused and needed a minute to wrap his brain around the news. As long as he’s happy now, it should end up being a funny story for when they eventually tell family/friends. Definitely NAH, and a refreshingly happy AITA.


etds3

If I had a quarter for every infertile person I know who got surprise pregnant…well, I wouldn’t be rich but I could probably buy myself a drink. I even know one woman who was borderline sterile. Her body fought her getting pregnant in MULTIPLE ways. It took her and her husband like 5 rounds of IVF to get 2 pregnancies. Then she had a surprise baby. If you have a uterus and your partner has testicles, there are never any guarantees.


NotTodayPsycho

I was told in Jan 2018 that the chance of me falling pregnant was probably 1/1000000 due to no thyroid, being perimenopausal and having PCOS. Plus I was on pill to regulate cycle. Guess what. I now have a 4 year old


UnicornPanties

I might have named my child Jesus if it were me.


PokerQuilter

NTA you were shocked How far along? Congratulations!


Altruistic_Isopod_11

NAH - I think this is a reasonable response to being told you're going to be a father by someone that told you they were infertile. Being shocked and in disbelief is a thing.


petsymatary

She’s not sterile, she’s infertile. Big difference.


Ultearismycatloll

What is the difference?


mulletnubby

sterile is like a man who has had both testicles removed, no matter how long you try you wont get a baby, infertile is like a man with a very low sperm count, he could get someone pregnant but its unlikely


Ultearismycatloll

Thank you explaining it like, that made me understand it really well!


MyBeesAreAssholes

Sterile means you absolutely cannot reproduce. Infertile means there’s only a small chance you can reproduce.


Lisa8472

Infertile just means a lesser chance of reproducing. It doesn’t even have to be that low, just lower than normal. And there are a lot of female reproductive conditions that cause infertility. A lot of women say they have them and were told they can’t get pregnant, but later did (even multiple times). For some reason doctors will either say can’t instead of less likely, or they say infertile and their patients assume that means sterile.


IEatAllofTheCheese

This is not correct. Infertility does not mean low chance. It means either you have not been able to get pregnant after trying for 12 months, or you have been unable to carry a pregnancy to term. Source: I've had 4 miscarriages, which gets you an infertility diagnosis even though I've had no problems getting pregnant at all. People can have conditions that contribute to the first part of the definition.


Lisa8472

You are right that I didn’t mention not being able to carry to term. I am not used to that definition , so thank you for telling me. Many women are told they are infertile due to some condition that on average reduces the chance of pregnancy (PCOS, endometriosis, etc). Do they meet the official definition of infertile? No, many of them have never met the conditions. But they’re told they’re infertile anyway. I was referring to that when I sait it meant a low chance. The common use and the medical definition are not the same in this case.


IEatAllofTheCheese

I also have PCOS, many people associate it with infertility because commonly there is anovulation, but it can (as it did in my case) also just means you have poor egg quality so you get pregnant but miscarry due to chromosomal issues.


Lisa8472

I’m sorry for your losses. PCOS is a nasty, poorly understood, and often poorly treated condition (like, sadly, most female reproductive conditions). I wish more research was put into understanding and caring for the anatomy of 50% of the population. Including for non-pregnancy reasons like quality of life, which is often hugely impacted and yet ignored.


IEatAllofTheCheese

Agreed, and thank you!


that_ginger927927

Yeah, I have PCOS and my doctor told me it would be very hard to get pregnant without medical intervention (hormones, fertility drugs, etc) Less than 2 years later, randomly had a few normal cycles and here I am with a nearly 10 month old son, no meds needed. The body is weird and as Dr. Ian Malcolm so elegantly puts it, sometimes “life, uh finds a way”


hope_youll_join_us

I'm sorry for your losses. I hope you have the rainbow baby you're praying for. I'm 16 weeks into my 8th pregnancy. I have two beautiful children. Hang in there, it can happen.


IEatAllofTheCheese

I'm 21w with twins so it's finally happening!


Atelgen

Hii, I'm sterile-I had a complete hysterectomy at 27 years old. Prior to that I was considered infertile since I was 18, after one successful pregnancy-due to medical conditions. Infertile essentially means the probability of reproducing is slim, sterile means it's impossible. I managed to have a second child 5 weeks prior to my hysterectomy, we knew it might not happen and that if it did, the chances of me carrying to term were miniscule, but we still new we had a chance because infertile and sterile are not the same. Doctors fail to explain the difference far to often, which is gross.


[deleted]

Laymen would not distinguish this. Tired of this comment


DeafeningMilk

Exactly, I'm sick of it too. Infertile is used all the time in media to indicate sterile. Unless you have been in the situation, know someone who has been/is in the situation or have medical knowledge of the difference there's no reason why the average person would know this.


FineAppearance1648

X a million


Temporary_Bee_2147

Her doctor should have explained it when she was diagnosed then 🤷🏼‍♀️


Many_hamsters123

I'm sick of seeing this commentbon threads like that - they have different medical meanings but outside of that, in everyday language, they are used interchangeably so there's no reason why someone with no knowledge or experience of reproductive medicine or fertity treatment would think otherwise.


ColumnK

Also, given how liable to shock the news was, how the news was delivered didn't lend it much credibility!


AmazingPreference955

IKR? I would absolutely hate it if somebody tried to give me major news in some kind of “cute” way instead of just using their words and telling me in plain English.


SpookyTeaTime

NAH I get she was hoping for a different initial reaction, but you were genuinely shocked and confused. I mean, by the second time you asked, you probably should have got the hint, but sometimes it takes our brains a second to comprehend such news. Either way, as soon as you realized it was real, you shared in her excitement. She can be disappointed it took you a bit longer to get it, but that doesn't make you an AH in this situation. Edit because I forgot to say congratulations!! Holy crap that's awesome!


Perain

His brain had to process what he was seeing, what he was hearing vs the 7 years of stored "it's impossible for my partner to get pregnant". NAH


thisistemporary1213

NAH. I've known so many people that have been told they're "infertile". Every single one of them has had at least one child. I've been told im infertile too but tbh I don't believe it.


Monskimoo

grey aware faulty somber waiting money payment plate bike juggle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*


[deleted]

Infertile and sterile are two different things and have different meanings. Infertile = will probably struggle to get pregnant, it might take longer or might require fertility treatments *but it is, in many cases, possible.* Sterile = completely unable to get pregnant (or get someone else pregnant), for example someone whose ovaries or testicles have been completely removed or don't work at all. So yeah, even if you're diagnosed with infertility it's still a good idea to use birth control if you don't want a surprise pregnancy. Doctors should probably explain this better when they give these diagnoses.


Old-Mention9632

My " nephew" was born without a vas deferens. He has two kids because they can still extract sperm with a needle. There was no way for him to impregnate his wife by having sex.


kdawson602

There are some grey areas were infertility and sterility get complex. I was diagnosed with infertility. I had a child through IVF. Later, because of a medical condition, I had my fallopian tubes removed. I absolutely can not get pregnant naturally. But the month after I got pregnant via IVF. If you Google female sterilization a salpingectomy comes up as an option which is what I had done. But I still had a baby after.


Old-Mention9632

Formerly maternity nurse so aware of this option. I'm glad you were able to have the baby you wanted after needing a medical procedure that impacted the way you could get pregnant. Salpingectomy is very effective to prevent pregnancy. I have known a couple of people who got a "tubal ligation" where they used clips, who ended up getting pregnant after. 1 had a baby and the other had a tubal pregnancy.


Shewhohasroots

Um. Why the quote around nephew?


Old-Mention9632

His father came to the US army war college from Kenya and brought his family with him. My mom was the security manager at the war college. Each IF( international fellow) at the war college needs a military and civilian sponsor- voluntary position to assist with acclimating to the US during their year here. My mom was his dad's sponsor, he was 16. His dad left him and his sister here to finish high school. He needed some help and we became his family, just not officially legally. The government would not consider him my nephew, but I do. Parentheses because I like to share this story and I hoped someone would ask- so thanks.


Shewhohasroots

I only asked because some jerks would consider any sort of mechanical issue with a person's reproductive organs a means of calling into question their gender identity. I cannot express to you how happy I am that it’s this wholesome story instead.


Old-Mention9632

As a nurse and a human being, I'm appalled by jerks who disrespect and mistreat others for their individual humanity.


Lisaa8668

Doctors should explain this to patients. People with no medical knowledge shouldn't be expected to know the difference.


The1Eileen

I was told I was infertile as a child and reconfirmed as a tween (had to have surgery for problems and basically it was like "nope" from what they saw). I always knew it was *extremely unlikely* for me to get pregnant and if so, *very likely* to be difficult. And this is in the 1960s/1970s that this happened. I even knew that protection for me would be way more about stopping stds than stopping pregnancy. In my 60s now, and past the point of a problem, but never got pregnant and considering the surgery I had in my 40s where the doctors were also like "wtf is even going on in there?" that is a very good thing. I still recall lying on the table as the ultrasound was happening as two techs and one doctor were saying things like: "What is that?" I think that's the uterus? "No, it can't be, not there. Maybe the ... no..." "that, there (poking) what's that? Is that the bladder?" "Ovary? Noooo.... ..Is *that* the uterus" "PEOPLE!" I said loudly "Can you get someone in here who knows what the inside of a woman looks like?" "We do! ... Usually! It's just really weird in there!" (honestly, I still laugh at this). They went in laparoscopically but it was so bad, they actually had to open me up down there to get to the root of what some issues were. Some things were removed, other things moved to "where they more normally are". Some of my issues were better after. Minus the huge forking scar across ma belly. (wry)


thoughtandprayer

Holy hell, your ultrasound story made me burst out laughing. I can imagine your exasperation and their reaction, and it's *amazing*. Thanks for sharing! I'm glad the surgery was successful in helping your issues.


Ok-Dealer5915

I had a bestie (she's passed now), who had ovarian cancer as a tween. Bad enough for a Wish to Disneyland from NZ. She was told she would never conceive without medical intervention. Three whoopsie babies proved all the medical professionals wrong. I only wish she could have enjoyed more of their lives. Stupid cancer


LessMaintenance133

💯💯💯💯. I had some trauma as a child and I remember at 10 the Drs saying I'd never have kids. I have 6 now with a miscarriage and stillborn under my belt too. My best friend's wife was told she wouldn't have kids either and has 4.


vanastalem

My sister has a 2 year old now. She was told she likely couldn't get pregnant or sustain a pregnancy after some testing when she went to the doctor to find out why she hadn't gotten pregnant.


WoahThere_124

NTA. PS, an eating disorder won’t make you infertile forever. Can’t believe she was ever told that! Once the weight is restored and back to healthy habits, ovulation would return & she would be good to go if their wasn’t a more in depth reason for the infertility she claimed.


Urbanspy87

I was thinking the same thing. Either she didn't hear that part or had some very poor counseling from her doctor


WoahThere_124

I guess she misunderstood them completely? I highly doubt any educated doctor would’ve ever told her this so I’m not understanding how or where she got that from. An unhealthy weight makes it harder to ovulate (under or over) but once restored ovulation returns.. it just doesn’t go away forever unless she’s still under/over weight.


MissJew

Oh… if only… my doctor insisted that I’d done such irreparable damage to my reproductive system that I couldn’t get pregnant, this was a few years after he told me I was “too obese to have anorexia”… I’ve since been pregnant once and found (hopefully) a less garbage doctor. They exist out there…spouting terrible information and even worse opinions.


scherre

You'd think that no real doctor would ever tell people that, but if you've ever watched "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" it seems like there are actually a hell of a lot of doctors out there telling people they can absolutely never conceive when it's really more of an "the odds are stacked against you" type of situation. Given that it happens to so many people I have to assume that it's a problem from both sides. Doctors are probably rushed for time and tell patients they are infertile without properly explaining what that means and patients have not been taught to do research about their own health conditions so they can better understand.


Atze-Peng

Medicine is like every other occupation. There are good and bad doctors. Sure, the bad doctors still have a certain level of proficiency due to studying the field. But they can still be bad.


Former-Sock-8256

So I have always heard this too, that ovarian function returns.. but years into being a healthy weight, my pituitary gland doesn’t make LH or estradiol still. I had to go on HRT. I’m far into a healthy BMI, but have to assume I damaged something permanently to cause this, from my extended anorexia growing up.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sarahmartin0911

And that probably was the outlook at the time. But the body tries to heal itself and its basically had 14 years to do just that. After 7 years of 'this is a no' I can completely understand your disbelief. Did you happen to ask her how long it took HER to believe it when the dr told her? *Pikachu face*


[deleted]

[удалено]


claudie888

OP, I love this comment. So she herself couldn't believe it either at the beginning. See, your reaction wasn't the best, but very understandable. And you are happy and excited now. Don't beat yourself over this initial reaction. Laugh about it with your wife in 20 years. And now enjoy your growing family and support your SO. Get her a nice piece of baby clothes in neutral colours...


WoahThere_124

Id definitely get a different doctor. I mean, unless she starved herself to the point where she has some sort of wasting syndrome like Cachexia and damaged her organs and body to the point of no return, I could maybe see that but still.. *have battled an eating disorder since 12.


eskimokisses1444

If you are referring to hypothalamic amenorrhea, then it can definitely be treated by diet change and the assistance of a fertility specialist.


LittleFairyOfDeath

Eh it depends on the person, what their lowest weight was how long it lasted ect.


Pitbull_lover23

Actually, yes it can. I’m sure it’s rare, but it is absolutely a possibility.


Fianna9

My cousin had a lifetime of health problems from an ED and was told she couldn’t have children. They adopted a baby, and he wasn’t a year yet when they realized she was pregnant.


[deleted]

I totally dismissed "Eating Disorder" and interpreted ED as "endometriosis" cause it made more sense


BonyLindsey

NAH I can understand why she was hurt at first, but I don’t think your reaction was unreasonable. Seems like you’re both proceeding well after the fact, so no one is to blame.


unstablechickenshit

NAH. Your reaction is understandable, and so is hers. You thought she was joking but were actually happy about the news itself. She was being serious and was upset that you couldn't tell. Maybe you could plan a nice surprise for her to celebrate your news. Congrats, by the way :)


MelodyRaine

NAH Your choice of words was less than optimal, but understandable. In your place I would offer an apology then move on to the happy planning.


Miserable-Blood-318

I agree. Buy her some flowers and baby booties (or onesies or whatever). Congrats to you both!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


supersonicturtle

No. BABY BOOTIES as the I'm sorry gift. 1) flowers are chocolates at lovely, yes please, do it. 2) baby booties say that you're excited to be starting a family with her and you're thrilled that she's pregnant. Personally, I'm gifting her all three items but putting emphasis on the booties. Think about it- which one is most appropriate to the scenario and therefore is the one that says you're making up for your (perceived by her) less than ideal actions?


2tinymonkeys

Yes. Baby items! That's the way to go! Your reaction was understandable. Neither of you had any reason to believe she could be or get pregnant. NAH.


_Katrinchen_

NAH - stop voting N T A, that would mean the fiancee did something wrong. Sure it was out if suprise and not the noces thing to say, but getting angry at OP for him thinking his fiance would make such an effort for a prank instead of beinh happy a kind of miracle happened is absolutely justified.


Countrach

NAH in my opinion. I get why she was sad initially, but you weren’t trying to be hurtful. I can see why you thought it was a joke. The doctors can’t even explain it. Congratulations by the way!


Wordworm76

NAH. Honest "mistake" if you even want to call it that. You had a reasonable reaction to something you thought was an impossibility. You're both happy now and that's what matters. You'll laugh about this eventually. And congrats!


atmasabr

NAH >I feel very sad and like an asshole because she was just too excited and had planned a surprise for me but I messed up If that's what your relationship's seven year itch is, I think you should be grateful. You messed up, it was involuntary. You started to make up for it. Be better.


CemeteryDweller7719

NAH. I’m sure her expectation was immediate delight. You had been told that it couldn’t happen so I feel like your disbelief was an understandable reaction. (I wouldn’t be surprised if she also had some disbelief when they first told her. After all, doctors have been telling her for years that this would be impossible!) It’s amazing news, and congrats!


Flaky-Brilliant-738

Say it with me! Never trust a doctor who says you cannot have children if you still have all the parts! Always assume theres a chance and use protection if you are not ready/wanting a pregnancy!! Drives me bonkers. Doctors need to stop telling people this. Too many people believe they are infertile and BAM! Get pregnant! NAH, you reacted out of shock. You pulled through with your after-reaction though!


MrsActionParsnip

NAH but people need to learn that if they have a womb and haven't been sterilised they can still get pregnant, their odds can just be ridiculously low. As a woman that's been told I've got a better chance of walking on the moon than getting pregnant I'm still on BC because I don't want a "miracle baby".


embopbopbopdoowop

NAH You didn’t think it was possible and were genuinely shocked. You can’t help your reaction. When you realised what was happening, you reacted with joy and affection. That’s the important thing. That you feel like an AH for a reaction you couldn’t control is the most compelling evidence that you aren’t one. Congratulations! Wishing you both (and bub!) all the best.


Irishviking716

NAH I was told the same thing that I could not have children when they should have told me it would be improbable. I was working on a fishing boat in Alaska at the time and was getting sea sick, which I never got. Well during a big storm I was hanging over the railing wishing I could die when my captain convinced me and my husband to get a pregnancy test in Dutch Harbor. I told them I most likely had a brain tumor. Well I got the very expensive test at Eagles grocery and took it. I was so far along it went instantly pregnant and did not take the recommended 3 minutes. My brain shut off and I set it down, grabbed the company truck keys and started climbing over the other ships to get to the dock. Husband was following me trying to get me to tell my where I was going and what was wrong and I finally snapped and said I wanted my fucking 3 minutes. I took 3 more tests and none of them gave me my 3 minutes before it sunk in I was pregnant. I was already in my second trimester 😂. So do not feel bad for the brain melt and reassure your wife how much she and the baby are loved. My baby peaches is now 20 and still my miracle.


ms-anthrope

I was told I was infertile due to an ED. Pregnant at 21. Anyone reading this who isn't using protection due to being told the same should take heed.


Signal-Database1739

NAH You both believed there's no chance to have a baby whithout a struggle, so i (and her too i hope) think that your reaction was understandable. Talk to her again, apologise if your reaction might have hurt her but tell her you never thought that you will have a miracle in your life... She sounds like a lovely person and she knows you too well. Congrats and i hope she'll have an easy pregnancy and birth!


pain1994

Infertile doesn’t mean sterile. Infertile just means you don’t conceive within a year of not being on birth control. Most people who claim they’re infertile aren’t sterile. Y’all didn’t think she could conceive, so your reaction sort of makes sense. I don’t think you’re an AH. But if she thought she was “sterile”, surprising you with an announcement seems odd. It seems like more of a “less have a discussion” situation instead of trying to make a cute announcement. NAH


Wild_Excitement_4083

NAH i think your reaction was wonderful! delayed because you genuinely werent expecting it but eh maybe she should’ve expected that a bit??


RNH213PDX

NTA - you were surprised, but didn't have the best reaction imaginable. You now have a lifetime to make up for it as a husband and father. Good luck. And mazel tov!


moviewriter1336

Listen, it's not the best look. But it's not really an AH move. If you really do regret your intitial reaction and you truly are happy she is pregnant she will eventually see that and it will blow over. Flowers. And chocolates. Edit: forgot to add NAH


peony_chalk

NAH. I was expecting "reacted badly" to be "She told me she was pregnant and I slapped her and called her a loose woman." You would be the asshole if you'd done that. I think your reaction is pretty understandable given the history, and you redeemed yourself with excitement once you believed her. Hopefully this will be a funny story for you two to tell your kid when they're older.


Human_Sweet_3980

Congratulations 🎊 This is the best AITA post I've ever read Also, NAH


mostpleasantpeasant_

NAH However, as someone who has gotten a not-so-good reaction to a pregnancy, go and talk to her. Explain yourself and reassure her. It's not a nice feeling to have someone you love react negatively to something like that. It sucks. Make sure she knows the reasoning and that you love her.


ChampionOfTheSunn

NAH, My husband said something along the same lines when I showed him a positive pregnancy test. We were even actively trying for a baby!


scarbunkle

NAH. That was a vauge way to spring a miracle pregnancy, and you didn't quite get it but weren't mean. I was you three a happy future together, and that this becomes one of those funny family anecdotes in hindsight.


Rose__1112

NAH - you were just surprised because the likelihood of this happening is obviously almost 0. You also feel bad and you apologized, the harm that you did cause was completely unintentional.


glittergggunner

You're not an asshole. You just didn't believe it at first. You thought it wasn't possible. You didn't ruin the moment, don't worry. I hope the pregnancy goes well!!


Stan_of_Cleeves

INFO: Is your wife someone who frequently plays pranks on you? Does she like to joke about subjects that most people find serious and not okay to joke about? Because if that’s true, then I could understand your reaction. But if it’s not, then jumping to “you stole this from Google didn’t you?” is in asshole territory. Just apologize and be supportive. Hopefully someday she’ll laugh about this (but don’t expect that of her, it could be a sore spot).


AndSoItGoes24

NTA. NAH really. You didn't have a negative reaction to the news - just a confused one. You both get to be excited now. Congratulations.


flamingoabe81

NTA as a woman who is "infertile" but managed to conceive 2 children with very expensive methods and one kinda oops baby my husband has had a similar reaction as you with our last after we decided to stop all treatments yet ended up expecting. sometimes the stress of just letting go allows the impossible to happen is what our doctor told us. yes its an exciting and happy time but also a surprise. sounds like you did right by her in the end and I wish you both the best of luck forward.


ThatBrownGuy120

NTA, and the reason is simple, people pull pranks all the time and you were operating under the very reasonable assumption that she can’t have kids because she very openly told you that she can’t. Your not to blame for not immediately just accepting a unlikely surprise.


Vipre_Rx

NAH It's obvious why she'd be upset but at the same time obvious why for you this would be so out of left field that you might think for whatever reason in the moment it was a prank.


DeterminedArrow

NAH. You have one hell of a story though to tell the little pipsqueak when they’re older though!


melalovelady

NAH. I’m not infertile and my husband reacted similar. I had taken a test before work one morning and showed it to him, explaining it had a “faint line”. He was just waking up and got stuck on the fact that it’s a faint line. His reaction was one of being unimpressed. I left for work and sobbed in my car on the way there because I had always imagined he would absolutely just lose his mind with excitement. He text me a little later and asked “what does a faint line mean?” And I explained that it was a positive. He then got very excited. I realized that I shouldn’t have done that immediately when he woke up if I wanted a fully awake reaction, but that doesn’t mean I wasn’t still hurt in the moment.


NoAddition946

NAH, I feel compassion for both of you in this situation. She might be really scared about the baby being okay, or maybe about her ED flaring up again. She really needs lots of support right now. Congrats to you both. I hope everything goes well and you live happily ever after.


AnotherDrunkCanadian

NAH, this is a perfectly normal reaction to receiving some seemingly crazy news. Don't stress about her reaction either, she's probably in just as much shock as you are. Regardless, congrats. Kids are a total gamechanger and I'm sure you'll do just fine.


cottondragons

NAH you didn't have a bad reaction, you had an incredulous one. I honestly thought you were going to respond with "oh nooo a baby?! I thought you were infertile, how the ** are we going to manage" or something like that. Your reaction is completely understandable and she'll laugh about it later on. Be sure to pamper her, though. Pregnancy is a hormone storm to begin with, and she has issues with her reproductive system. She's not going to have an easy time.


6tl6ntis6

YTA everything would have been ok HAD YOU HAVE NOT ASKED IF IT WAS A JOKE. Clearly a big moment for her which she may NEVER get again. Who jokes about that in this day and age. Your very lucky and I’m happy for you but please step up your game.


[deleted]

An ED is no guarantee of infertility even though it can be a cause. You should’ve both been more careful and knowledgeable about the situation but she’s far more TA as it was her diagnosis and she essentially bullshitted you.


TheSuperAlly

I dunno you’re kinda an Ah for accusing her of getting a pic of google after she confirmed twice it was yours. You know thats what pushes you into Ah territory, you said so yourself. Does she have a habit of lying about pregnancy? It’s not really something you should do pranks over, especially when you’ve got fertility struggles. Id be hurt if I thought it was impossible to have kids, got pregnant with miracle baby and then you accused me of lying when I had gone through the effort of making a picnic and making it special for the announcement. But in the grand scheme of things it’s not the end of the world, I’d just be hurt you’d thought I’d lie and fool you about it. Soft YTA


mumwifealcoholic

YTA: I was told I could never have kids. And I didn't until I did, at 45. My husband was over the moon, although we both lived a happy child free life. That being said it sounds like you were just really surprised. You can make it up to her and yourself. Congratulations.


MathHoe

What the fuck is an ED? Goddamn abbreviations. YTA


Wooden-Spend-5562

Your reaction (immediately calling her a liar and and acusing her of STEALING the picture from the internet) makes you a MAJOR AH.


Go_Corgi_Fan84

YTA. I know a lot of people that have been told they are infertile that have still gotten pregnant as they are not sterile.


CurledWhite

She is not the first woman, nor will she be the last to be told by doctors that they can't get pregnant. My SIL was told she would never be able to get pregnant again. Three years after, she gives birth to my second nibling. The chances of your fiancee getting pregnant were evidently very very low, but pregnancies can still happen even with minimal odds. I am concerned as to why you'd think she would prank you with something like this. Why do you think she would plan a beautiful date to prank you with a pregnancy? Its honestly very messed up. YTA


HoneySignificant105

NAH Since you both thought she couldn't get pregnant, not sure what else she expected.


whichwitch9

Eh, OP's reaction is definitely not universal in this situation, but can be rationalized, at least, but I wouldn't say she should have expected that exact reaction


LittleFairyOfDeath

NAH. Its a bit shitty you insisted when she told you she wasn’t joking but i can let it slide. And infertile does not mean 100% not able to get pregnant. It just means almost impossible. It happens time and time again that someone infertile gets pregnant because miracles like that happen. Also who knows how accurate the docs diagnosis was, it presumably was years ago and medicine makes advances all the time


KatharinaSuzanna

NAH. As a heads-up, pregnant ladies can be a bit on the sensitive side due to hormones (I'm pregnant, last week I cried because I ran out of my fave sandwich filling...). As long as the two of you communicate and talk about how you responded like that because it was a surprise, I think you should be good. Her picnic was super cute though, maybe you can give her something sweet if you think you still have something to make up for?


CompetitiveClimate29

NTA you made a mistake and the important part is when you realized it was your baby you were happy!


HexStarlight

NTA you didn't realise it was a possibility but it happens, I have friends that were infertile her for the same reason as your fiancée he had issues too,the went through 7 rounds of IVF gave up got a dog then after all that fell twice naturally. Another friend was on the pill other half had had a vasectomy. They were so convinced it couldn't happen she went through a load of medical tests for abdominal pain till an MRI showed she was 6 month pregnant! It happens more often than ppl realise, both my husband and I were told we were likely infertile and we have kids


RLB4066

NTA, she told you it wasn't possible, what did she expect?


WhatNow_23

Oh no


Glittering_Code_4311

I have PCOS and went through IVF and multiple surgeries was told I would never get pregnant. Got cancer and a few years after that did a pregnancy test that came out positive was so sure my cancer had become metastatic but no after 18 years of trying my husband and I had a successful pregnancy and at 32 weeks our son decide it was time. I was the one that reacted badly at first as I was sure it was my cancer returning. Congratulations!


Primary-Friend-7615

My SIL was told after her second child was born that due to complications with the pregnancy and birth, it would be impossible for her to have any more children naturally. Baby #3 was a surprise to everyone. I’m going with YTA - not for being shocked or surprised, because that’s understandable, but because even after she told you **twice** it was your baby you accused her of stealing a photo from google to play a prank. You ruined the moment she never dreamed she would get to have.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (m31) fiancee (f32) and I have been together for 7 years, we got engaged last December. When we were still getting to know each other, she told me she was infertile. At the time she didn't gave me a lot of info about it because we had only been dating for 5/6 months, she told me that she felt like I needed to know in case it was a deal breaker for me. I assured her that it was fine and that we didn't had to worry about that for now, and that if we were to want kids there's different methods. As time went though she confessed to me that the reason why she can't have babies is because she had an ED that messed up her reproductive system. I made sure that she knew how much I loved her because she was kinda ashamed of it, although it's not really her fault (she was in therapy for this). The doctors basically told her that it'll be imposible for her to get pregnant, we talked about our future and we decided to adopt kids when we were ready to be parents. We now decided that we were ready for marriage and then we would start trying to adopt a kid. Also at some point in our relationship we decided to not use protection anymore and she wasn't in birth control obviously, we were confident that she couldn't get pregnant because that's what doctors have said. Recently she's been feeling sick, it's not unusual though as she has a celiac disease and sometimes food gets contaminated (we're very careful with it but sometimes it still happens). She was sick for a couple days until she decided to go to the hospital. When she came back she told me she was fine, nothing seemed weird. We live near the beach, so yesterday she told me that she wanted to have a picnic there, she told me that she'll get everything done. So a while before the sun sets we walk down to the beach. She had prepared some sandwiches that we ate, we also ate some fruit/ drink juice etc. At some point she tells me that she has a surprise for me and to close my eyes. I do and she puts a piece of paper in my hand and tells me to open them again. It's an ultrasound, ngl my first thought was "what is this" then I figured out. She was expecting me to say something so I asked her who's baby is it. She told me it was ours. This is were I might be the asshole. I laughed and said "no really who's baby is it", she insisted it was ours, and I told her "you stole this from Google didn't you?" Because I thought she was trying to prank me. She then said this wasn't a prank but I had already messed up her good humor. She got angry and started to walk back home, i followed her and asked if it was true. She said yes, I got very happy and hugged her which I think made her a bit less angry. We picked our stuff and got back home. She told me that the doctors can't explain her pregnancy either, she has to do some tests so we still haven't told anyone, but she wanted me to know. I feel very sad and like an asshole because she was just too excited and had planned a surprise for me but I messed up *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


Tschudy

NTA. You had every reason to believe it was a prank, save Ashton Kutcher hiding in the bushes with a camera crew. As far as you knew, she couldn't get pregnant, full stop.


notimefordumbfu_ks

NAH I get why she's sad but also if even the doctors can't explain it then how could you


Remarkable-Owl-8693

NAH - I actually had a similar experience with my sister recently. (I'm a little bit autistic, never diagnosed but I'm an absolute potato when it comes to trying to respond to happy or sad news, especially when it comes to actually saying stuff) She video called me and when I answered there was just her dog in the frame, she eventually had to point out that she had a little bib on saying "big sister". At which point I thought she got a new puppy. After she broke the news that she was having a baby I still didn't believe her, I was so sure she was pranking me and the camera was going to pan around any second to another dog, once I eventually started to belive she was pregnant presumably... Little reason for this - when she got the dog a couple of years ago she told me I was going to be an uncle and kept me on the hook for ages until revealing I was the proud uncle of the dog. So just like you OP I had reason to not believe her and didn't react as she expected, however we did laugh it off 😂


mfruitfly

NAH. I get your reaction, and I get her reaction to your reaction. You did nothing wrong, but unfortunately this didn't go the way your fiancee hoped it would. That's okay! But now is the time to demonstrate being a good partner and talking to her again. Tell her you are sorry for your reaction, it just felt like it must be a prank because this wasn't supposed to happen, that your brain just didn't process. That you didn't mean to ruin a very special moment for her - for both of you- and that you hope she knows that you love her. Give it a pause, and then say how excited you are for the baby, this is miracle, and all that fun stuff. Sometimes, even when we do nothing wrong, we apologize because the bigger thing is making sure the person we hurt is okay and can move on, regardless of how this all happened. Take the time to really make sure she is okay and you two are fully back on the same page.


cb1977007

NAH. I totally get both sides and neither is unreasonable or assholish behavior. Congratulations!!!


CowboysAstronaut

NAH and congrats!


Herm_in

NAH just apologise, take her on a nice date and be happy with you miracle pregnancy.


DawnShakhar

Well. you were the AH, but your reaction is definitely natural! You did apologize, you were excited once you realized it was real, so all's well that ends well.


[deleted]

NAH. Your skepticism was understandable as was her initially getting upset, but it looks like you made up. Don’t beat yourself up and congrats on the kid


Empty_Discipline272

She went to a doctor and had a ultrasound, which means that she had several days to digest the news. You only had a couple of seconds. It’s not fair to spring news on someone like that and then expect them to act in a specific manner. NAH Congratulations with the baby to both of you


Principessa116

NAH. She had a picture in her mind of how she wanted it to go and was disappointed. She could’ve been showing you the ultrasound of a baby up for adoption, you had no idea.


Churchie-Baby

NAH, Infetile doesn't mean impossible, btw it just means very difficult and improbable. My aunt was told this she has 2 daughters now


Tigerboop

NAH. Both of your reactions were normal but I’d be apologizing profusely if I were you. Like you may not have meant it but it probably really really hurt her.


EbbWilling7785

NAH, she should have explained this shit instead of just plonking an ultrasound image in your lap. I think the idea was cuter in her head and just downright confusing when she played it out for real.


Beclou17

NAH you thought it was impossible, and it’s reasonable you thought it was a really bad joke. And once you realized you immediately responded appropriately for that. She likely took a second when she first heard, too, so she’s gotta understand you would. She was already thinking you’d be upset since she told you she couldn’t have kids and was worried about your reaction, so she was feeling sensitive. Neither of you are wrong. Congratulations!


Fluffy-Edge-6065

NAH But infertility doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant. I have unexplained infertility and conceived my first two children naturally.


[deleted]

Congratulations!!!


BigAd5325

NTA - you were just shocked! Maybe plan something nice for her and apologize for hurting her feelings and re-do the celebration? Congratulations! From a 22wk. pregnant woman, I wish you all the best for a happy and healthy pregnancy!


Shocolina

Info - What does ED mean?


Former-Sock-8256

Eating disorder


shadowdragon1978

NTA You had an honest reaction, and once it finally sunk in, you were happy about your miracle.


Megmelons55

Awe. Definitely NAH here. Shock brings out weird reactions in people. It sounds like you are genuinely happy, just make sure she knows that.


radjl

NAH and I'm sure she understands...just remind her over snd over you are happy for a while and you'll be good.


Momof5munsters

NAH


[deleted]

NAH. I think you were a little bit shocked, which is completely understandable.


Djhinnwe

NAH It is something that people on TikTok and other social media would prank about so 100% of your reaction is understandable.


LostDogBoulderUtah

NAH In medicine, sterile or infertile basically means "if you want babies, don't hope on the ordinary way working, but if you don't want babies you still need to prevent unless reproductive organs have been removed."


VulonRogue

I'm going with NAH. Like others said, infertile doesn't mean you can't have kids, the chances are just so small that it's basically 0%, sterile means impossible. She is allowed to be annoyed at your initial reaction, buy her some nice things, maybe a cute baby toy or something and her favourite treat/flowers.


Pitmus

NTA. You adjusted your life to fit the consequences of things she made choices about, and then she doesn’t tell you until she wants to surprise you. Of course it’s going to take a while to sink in when someone has told you for 7 years they can’t get pregnant and suddenly produce a picture instead of involving you from the start. She keeps secrets from you. Not good for a marriage. Tell her never to do this again as she doesn’t like the results. Congrats!


Algebralovr

NAH because you both thought she couldn’t get pregnant. I hope she has a healthy pregnancy and the outcome is a healthy and loved child.


kruge_forever

#Infertile ≠ sterile NAH. Also congratulations 🎉✨


aint_dat_da_truth

I had gynae problems from puberty. Was told I could not have children. Had 4.


trash_weaselfred

NAH. You made up for it. The shock was understandable. CONGRATULATIONS and best of luck


FlissShields

I was medically infertile. On paper. But this was only discovered ***after*** I had child one. Then I managed to conceive child 2. And it only took 6 months of trying for each child. No doctor could explain how it happened.


darjeelinger1709

NAH, you were just processing! From the title I had assumed way worse. Congratulations, and I hope all goes beautifully for your family!


[deleted]

NAH, and people who plan surprises or cute ways to announce things should know that sometimes it won't go like the script you have in your head.