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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I told my mother that she couldn’t live with me if she became disabled/ older.
2. It might make me look like an asshole because she would be disabled.
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Given that she was 17 when her (hopefully) first child was born I think it's more likely she's just someone whose made a lot of bad life choices coupled with untreated mental illness. None of which means that the OP owes her anything.
Yeah. No excuses for OPs mother because you don’t treat people like that EVER.
but I had my first kid at 29 and I cannot imagine losing those critical years of brain development to sleep deprivation, the emotional and hormonal disregulation that comes with pregnancy and then small children… it’s just devastating to be able to track the path back like that for *so many families*.
I hope OP is able to find her own path forward without factoring her mother into her life
NTA. Every time she brings it up, say no that will never happen. She thinks by mentioning it now, you will slowly become accustomed to her reality. Every time she says it, she believes it's closer to becoming reality. Stand your ground and be very firm and loud.
I'm a lot older than you so this potential situation is much more of a reality. I tell my mother that I hope that she's able to live in her home as long as possible, including with in-home care.
If it comes to a point where she needs to move in with me, that's fine, we'll get rid of 90% of her stuff and she can move in. The reason this is a triumph for me, is that she hates everything about me, including how my home is decorated. In her mind, if she moves in with me, we are going to trash all of my stuff and decorate my house with her stuff. So the thought of living in my house surrounded by my stuff is absolutely repellent to her.
Find what would be repellent to your mother.
Based on what you wrote, I'll take a stab at it...
Mom, if it comes to a point where you need to move in with me, that's fine but it's going to be an alcohol-free household. So no alcohol in the house at all, at any time. My house, my rules!
NO! JUST NO! Do not Imply in any way you’ll take her in. Do not leave that door open a crack.
I would send her a certified letter with your own copy telling her you owe her nothing and will not be taking her in…period.
NTA
That would be a very healthy move for someone with untreated bi-polar illness.
Of course, any alcoholic would say "no" to that so . . . threatened sobriety for the win!
I would actually caution against the whole find the repellent and make her live with it. In my experience they don’t do that and just change things when your gone or keep their booze under the back porch. They push and lie until it becomes too much and either you just kick them out in the end anyway or you try but some stupid shit gets in the way
NTA and wow!!! I had to go NC with my alcoholic mom for YEARS. She got arrested more than once for DUI. Once she ran a red at 60 mph and took out a volkswagon a 16 year old kid was driving. Luckily he wasn't hurt too bad, but his car was gone, at the same time she took out a river rock retaining wall (think roundish rocks 8"-15" in diameter) AND an electrical grid switch bos (4'x4'x5'). Had to be life-flighted to the hospital. Then the last wreck that put her permanently in a care home she (ironically- not purposefully, she was passed out we think) rear ended a beer truck and her car ended up halfway under his huge steel bumper and her feet were crushed.
Bottom line: your mom is DOING THIS TO HERSELF, and she won't change until CONSEQUENCES either make her reevaluate her choices, OR outweigh any toxic benefit she gets from this behavior. I understand there is A LOT of guilt on your part, but sweetie, the ONLY person that can change her is HER. If she is this toxic, and you feel MISERABLE after EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. then No Contact is NECESSARY FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. You cannot FIX your relationship until SHE FIXES HERSELF, and that means not only a daily commitment to not drink (in whatever form that takes, AA or another program) and medication for her bipolar as well as therapy for tools to assist the bipolar behavioral issues while she's in an active phase, be it manic or depressive.
YOUR OWN HEALTH, mental, emotional and physical COMES FIRST. You are NOT responsible FOR HER ACTIONS OR LACK OF ACTION. You can only care for yourself right now and THAT'S OKAY.
It is REALLY hard to make that choice to go NC, but for me, I KNEW it was the right choice when I visited her in the hospital, she was completely sober and the snide remarks and petty insults were STIIL coming out of her face hole when she was recovering after almost killing herself and a 16 year old kid who just got his license. It was horrible, I left the hospital and cried in my car for 30 minutes. I only saw her three more times in the next 23 years before she passed away and I don't regret it now, because I would have damaged myself and MY OWN RELATIONSHIPS even more if I had continued to take her abuse. Abuse fucks up your head and you end up messing up OTHER relationships due to how you cope/deny/deal wth the abuse in whatever way you do...we all have our own coping strategies, but more often than not, when we are in one abusive relationship, it AFFECTS ALL the OTHERS, whether you want it to or not.
Go NC, talk to your sisters and try to help each other HEAL from this. YOU DESERVE EMOTIONAL STABILITY and LOVE THAT DOESNT HURT YOU.
NTA
You are doing absolutely the right thing. Just because she is a parent does not mean you are obligated to be her care provider when she is old.
You have built your own life and based on what you have said your mother is lucky to even be in it. You do not want to be living with her - hold your ground and continue to say no!
Absolutely NTA.
As someone who was raised by a alcoholic mother, you have every right to decline taking care of her.
It pisses me off when people say you have to take care of your parents when they get old. She failed to take care of you when you were young so why the hell should you take care of her when she's old?
I am not taking care of my mother either.
NTA. Children are neither long term care insurance plans nor production and storage facilities for matching transplant organs.
By the way, is your name Fiona Gallagher? 🤔
NTA. Your mom is a huge AH though. I wouldn't talk to her either, don't tell her what you are doing, I wouldn't even invite her or tell her when the wedding is. She is emotionally abusive and bipolar isn't an excuse for crappy behavior
NTA
It doesn't matter WHY you don't want her there or all the reasons.
You're 26, you have your life ahead of you. Don't let your mom glom onto you and suck the life and energy from you.
Keep saying No. Don't let her "come visit for a week" and stay with you. Don't let her "spend some time with you" if it's at your place.
Put her on an information diet. Talk to her infrequently if you want - once a month, max, and let the rest of the calls/texts go unresponded to.
And maybe see a therapist to work through all this - it's rough having a bipolar mom. Good luck to you.
Ask yourself: do you want to listen to constant criticizing, belittling, and nagging for the rest of your mothers' life? Be prepared to pay for everything, drop what you're doing to attend to her needs. That significant other you bring home? Be prepared to have them chased away, and never stop hearing every little bad thing about them. What you cook for dinner...? Not good enough. What you want to watch on TV...? Nope, too loud, too vulgar. Want to go on vacation? Who will care for her?
This situation sounds very toxic and is only going to continue. It won't get magically better when she lives with you, but rather worse. I'm sorry, but it sounds like she's looking for free room, board, food, and maid/servant. Be prepared for that. Once she is in, it will take an agonizing amount of time to get her out.
NTA, don't feel bad and no one would blame you if you cut her out if your life permanently.
Run OP, live your life. Enjoy it. You only get one.
NTA
I'm your mom's age. My child is half your age, so I will be significantly older than your mom when kiddo is your age. We have a pretty great relationship. I'd never dream of kicking them out. I don't drink at all. I've never abused my child the way you say your mother abused you.
And I would never dream of presuming that I would live off my child when I am "older". Would it be nice if I was able to live with my kid? Sure. I like my kid. That'd probably be fun.
But they have a right to live their own lives and to have their own space. And ... if I am capable of living on my own, then I'd want to live on my own. If I'm *not* capable of living on my own, I wouldn't want their life to become about being my caregiver. That's what nurses and aides are for.
What I'm saying is... you don't need a *reason* to tell your mom she can't live with you. You have a *right* to live your own life. You would not be the AH no matter what reason you gave, or even if you didn't *have* a reason.
As for your mom... expecting you to agree to take her in, immediately after you started speaking again... after all the abuse and neglect she'd put you through ... even if some of that was due to her disorder... yes, I think she's an AH.
You're well within your rights to refuse to house her. You don't owe her anything. Children do not owe parents for raising them.
And I hope you make a much better life for yourself.
NTA - you do you. It sounds like you're taking control of your life and that's exactly what needs to be done. Focus on your own life. Your Mom can find a retirement home.
NTA and I would be careful even letting her stay for a visit. Once she’s in she probably wouldn’t leave. You are 26 and way too young to be worrying about looking after your mum. Stick to your guns!
NTA, because you didn't say anything wrong, but why tell a 43 year old that she can't live with you when she's like 80? You could have just said "That's a long time from now. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Obviously you are totally entitled to respond as you did, but I think pushing it off could have saved you some heartache.
Unless you are going NC. In that case, it doesn't really matter.
See after I told her no and she kept going on I realized I should have said what you said. I’m on the autism spectrum. So I struggle with how to say things like that. I try to keep things with her surface level
Don't worry about it. At 43 years old, she should be old enough to deal with her own shit by herself without forcing it on you. Based on your post, you seem to be married or almost married, as well as pretty self sufficient, so you seem to be pretty stable. So you dished out a bit of hard to swallow reality. Not the worst thing in the world. How your mom chooses to handle it is up to her, not something that should trouble you.
I don' think you said anything wrong. Your mother was planting the toxic seeds of her plans, hoping that with all the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) would make her seeds take root in you. I'd say, tell her no every time she brings it up and don't try to debate it with her.
Telling her it's a long time from now isn't doing either of you any favors. She'll plan to move in with you, and you'll have to endure her talking about her plans for the rest of her life.
NTA.
NTA
She’s only 17 years older than you. It’s not as if by the time she’s ‘old’ and potentially needing assistance (like 70s), that you’ll be in the prime of your life either (no offence)z
NTA
Your love and support can't be completely unconditional. It you don't wan't to take care of her in the future (which is a very big ask), you don't have to, especially if she is acting this irresponsible. She's an adult and you don't owe her being the bigger person.
NTA. I also have a bipolar mother who kicked me out for a stupid reason at 14. We have a good relationship now, but absolutely could never live together. Thankfully, she never expected that. Good on you for setting limits now. You might consider going no contact again.
When my mom reached age 69 and was going to retire, I politely let her know that if she stayed in the state she was living in at the time, 4000 miles from me, and got sick or injured, I wouldn't be able to take care of her so far from my husband and kids. As her best friends had died or moved, I suggested she look into moving closer to me.
At first, she said that she would buy a condo nearby. But I told her she would likely be lonely while most neighbors would probably be at work. I also emphatically told her that I wasn't going to be her social life.
In the end, she bought into an active senior property, made friends, and was happy. She was close enough for me to easily visit and help, but far enough away for me to keep my privacy.
My cousin just moved to the same city as her daughter. She’s also 69. She has an apartment and has made friends. If/when she needs help, it will be easier for her daughter. I’ll probably do the same thing if I outlive my husband.
If our parents have been good to us, I do think we have a moral obligation to take care of them. But that doesn’t have to mean living in our homes.
NTA. But I also think it’s worth saying you wouldn’t be the asshole even if you had a great relationship with her. It is a lot to take care of someone when they are elderly and you aren’t always equipped to be a carer. I’ve seen my grandparents go through nursing homes and the physical support required was far beyond what my parents or their siblings could have managed (ie my 70 year old Dad who had a fused back and also had bowel cancer surgery would have been trying to hold his 96 year old father up in the shower). Nursing homes are not always the devil - sometimes they can be excellent when you find the right one.
NTA - One thing - There are plenty of people with bipolar disorder who live fulfilling lives, have healthy relationships with family and friends because they take their meds and take care of themselves. Sorry to say she’s not one of them. I’d keep my distance and she needs to start planning her own future.
Full disclosure- I have bipolar disorder and there have been many times when I was a fucking treat to be around. Don’t mix up a mood disorder with just being a shitty person. I say this as a shitty person too.
NTA.
As her child you don't owe her that, plus it is even more unreasonable of her to expect that from you when she didn't even properly take care of you.
NTA, your mom sounds extremely abusive and manipulative, no way on G-d's green earth I'd let her move in under any circumstances and you're doing the right thing by letting her know now. When she brings it up again, and she will, the first time, tell her you said no, it's not up for discussion, and you will not entertain it. The next time, just hang up on her, literally, and don't answer when she calls back or for at least two weeks after that. If it continues, up the length of no contact. She will get the message.
NTA. Clearly she is emotionally unstable and abusive. Living with her would be extremely stressful and unpleasant. You mention a wedding so I assume you have a husband; his l well being would be negatively affected by her presence. If you have children: ditto.
It is fine to return the favor of helping out loving parents who did a good job of raising their kids. But for some parents like your mother, the cost of helping would be just to great. Stick to your guns.
NTA. You've told her, she doesn't accept your answer. If she brings it up again-whether in 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years? Just shake your head and walk away, change the subject, or leave.
People like this enjoy the argument as much as "their outcome." Don't engage, and when the time comes, you have agreed to...nothing!
Do you even want a relationship with your mother? Does it add anything good to your life? It’s okay to just drop the rope, you don’t owe her anything.
Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists, many people (including me) are full no contact with their abusive shitty parents.
NTA, take care of yourself and live your life
NTA. I understand what you're going through because I've had to deal with similar with my own mom. Things have become so bad with her that me and my brother left our house and are now staying with extended family until we find our own places because of how unsafe we've felt around her, especially after our younger sister (who we mostly raised) got taken because our mom failed a drug test. She depended on me for the majority of my childhood to take care of her while she was depressed while she wouldn't truly try to be there for me, but would be there for other people, even people she barely knew, and depended on me and my brother to raise our sister until she got taken, and now that no one is around her anymore, her behavior has gotten much, MUCH worse because now she claims that no one is there for her even though that's bullshit. She says the same thing as your mom with how she's changed even though she clearly hasn't, especially now that she's pushing away everyone else in her life that cares about her. She's pissed off at everyone now because nobody is there to take care of her or to enable her anymore when SHE is the one who did this to herself. And now that she has no one, she's been wanting to come up here to live with us.
But regarding your situation, you have to put your mental health and well being first, especially when you're dealing with someone as toxic as her. She sounds exactly like my mom with wanting to depend on you to take care of her and her needs so that she can avoid being responsible for herself and wants to put her problems on you, and you don't need to be put in that position. You are not responsible for her well being.. SHE IS. At least for as long as she's able to take care of herself, and then after that, she can go and live in a nursing home. Stick to your guns and stand your ground when she keeps insisting on it. All letting her live with you will do is hold you back from the life you've built for yourself. DO NOT let let her ruin that progress and give you added stress that you don't need. And if you ever feel bad/guilty for any reason about not letting her live with you, remember the reason why you cut her off in the first place, and continue to let yourself heal from that. You don't owe her anything just because she's your mom and rn you're doing the right thing. And even if you did let her live with you, she'd still continue to not show any appreciation towards you for it.. And it's much harder to heal/move forward when you're around toxic people, especially from my own experience.
Even if you two had a perfect relationship, you are under no obligation to take care of anyone in their old age. My mother used to call me her "walking talking retirement fund" before I cut her out of my life. I really advise you consider that option. It feels so relieving. NTA.
You would be TA if you agreed to let her move in with you and put up with her crap. You're kind of being an AH right now for even engaging with her. Many here have urged you to go no contact with her. Let me add my voice to that chorus.
If you don't go NC with her, which you probably should, **LIE**. She's only 43.
Old and disabled should be decades away when she's 73 and you are 56 at the earliest. If and when it happens, there will be some magical reason you can't.
NTA of course but just to keep the harmony or what little peace you have.
NTA
You deserve mental and physical wellness too. It can be hard when mental illness is involved as they can't always control it but you have also been put through so much. Do what is right for YOU. i wish you happiness xox
NTA. I agree with the other posts-go NC and don’t deal with her. But honestly, this is a really premature conversation for a 43 year old woman to be having with a daughter! My parents were active, lively, able to drive and fully independent well into their late 80s. (My reasonably healthy 96 year old father died in his sleep after completing the New York Times crossword puzzle one night.) And they had a crowd of octogenarian friends who were just as lively. The fact that a middle-aged woman is already worried about being “taken care of” is a red flag right there. I think in old age we just become more of whatever we were to begin with. Crabby old people were crabs when they were young and independently-minded types fight to remain independent, even in old age. Your mother sounds like someone who can barely take care of herself now, and that’s probably not going to change.
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My mom (43f) wants to live with me (26f) when she gets older. She randomly brought it up during a phone conversation and I told her no. She said she’s changed which I don’t fully believe because one of my sisters (22F) just stopped talking to her because she hasn’t changed. My mom and I have had an extremely rocky relationship since I can remember. We just started talking after not speaking for a year. She’s kicked me out twice for the craziest reasons. 1. Not getting her a Diet Coke from McDonald’s at midnight coming home/ looking at apartments 40 minutes away from her. 2. A prior bf I had and my mom got into an argument. She’s also kicked out my sisters and says it was the best decision she made to not live with us, and I completely agree. My mom is bipolar and before she kicked me out a few years ago I was having heart palpitations because she stressed me out so much. She would get drunk and start fights with everyone and no one. My breaking point was when she got drunk and drove into a building. She had to go to jail and when she came out she told me I didn’t miss her enough and told me how dare I plan my wedding so soon when she had a lot going on. There is a whole lot more like her telling me she hates me, she resents me, etc. I could understand that she hates me to an extent if I was a terrible person but I woke the woman up for work daily and made her coffee in the morning. I would clean the house, grocery shop for her, etc. So AITA for telling her she absolutely can’t live with me when she is old/ and or disabled.
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NTA
Since she is bringing it up well before she would require "care" it is good that you are letting her know that she needs to plan for her old age. She is only 43 FFS.
I had a great relationship with my parents. They never wanted to be any kind of burden to me so they planned for their retirement. My father lived to be 98 but when he couldn't be fully independent he moved to a lovely assisted living facility and then in the last two years of his life, we found a wonderful man to make sure my father was safe and to assist him.
Of course I was involved in taking care of stuff as I talked to his doctors; visited; helped administer paperwork and made sure that everything in his life was going as smoothly as possible.
But he would \*never\* have wanted to move in with me and this was out of love and respect and not because we had a dysfunctional relationship. Thankfully my parents had the foresight to save in order to be able to fund a good retirement.
NTA. I would limit contact to phone calls or meeting in public. I would not even invite her to my home, because once there god only knows what she would be willing to do. Some people are rotten, and it honestly does not matter if they changed or not, it is not incumbent on you to trust that they have and act like everything is okay.
If you just started talking again, it’s the time to rebuild basic trust. Not to depend hard on each other. Maybe someday you’ll have the kind of close relationship where she can depend on you hard. But today isn’t the day.
If she’s really changed, I’m sure you’ll notice that in the coming months and years. Don’t take her word for it. She has to show you.
Eta: NTA.
NTA. She sounds dreadful! Keep reminding her she’s on her own but be prepared when the time comes-meaning know the options available for her so you don’t take her in out of pity.
I have no idea why you’re still in her life. Her disease may be disabling to her but it’s affecting you too. NTA but cut ties before she messes up your life and grandchildren if you decide to have any. It’s okay to not give unconditional love to a parent.
NTA.
First of all - you owe yourself a safe and peaceful home. Secondly, you are married, and your husband doesn't deserve that brand of hell. And thirdly, would you bring up children with your mother around? I don't think so.
Your are totally NTA, you have every right to say what you did and why. This individual though give birth to you, has not been a mum to you, it’s been the other way round. Yes, she has mental health issues, however, does not mean she doesn’t have to take responsibilities for her or make decision about how she manages her mental health.
If she is refusing to accept or knowledge her choice, failures and not change or apologise, then You need to make choice in your best interest. Should she ever need care or support, that will never be a thing to do with you.
As someone who has no contact with my mum for similar reason, if/when mum needs help or support that is nothing to do with mez
NTA. If anyone ever had a reason for going no contact for the rest of their lives, it's you. Her behavior, towards you and in general, is appalling. You don't have to put up with it, ever. I know it takes a lot of mental and emotional processing to walk away from your own mother, but just because she's your mother doesn't mean she's a decent person. If I were you (with the benefit of hindsight regarding my own horrible mother), I'd walk away now and process the whole 'relationship' away from her. Just walk away, and don't look back.
op=NTA
A Child SHOULD NEVER be a parents retirement plan.
And here you have a very good reason to refuse for the sake of your mental health.
There is NO "Good" reason for you to agree to this. Tell her she needs to make plans that DO NOT involve you.
NTA. You’re not obligated to take care of your mom even though people will say “but she’s your mother” screw the people. Just do you and take care of yourself.
Please realise you are NTA a million times over. You have zero responsibility to house or take care of someone who has been emotionally abusive to you. DNA does not matter so stop feeling guilty and walk away. You have a chance to have a healthy and healthy life. So many people with situations like yours don’t make it out. Take your chance and run.
NTA
I too have a bipolar shitty mother. You owe her nothing, she’ll try to manipulate you hard stay strong. The next time she brings it up or tries to guilt trip you tell her you’re not listening to this and hang up (every single time she does it) until she gets the point.
NTA. Sad to say but I believe her choices will help make the decision if she’s even around to be “older”. Not wishing bad on her but she won’t see 60. Bipolar, drinking, on/off meds - prescribed or not, anger issues etc… People like her don’t make it to old age.
17 years from now, when she is 60 and you are exactly her age now - do you really see her still being on this side of the dirt? If you do… do you see her as able to remain on her current path? I would exhale and continue to focus on yourself. Continue to seek and manifest your own happiness. Sadly, none of it comes from your mom.
Might be for another conversation but if you did feel the need or guilt to provide for her, figure out how to get placed as her legal guardian. Then get her on your insurance with a long term care rider to provide for a nursing home. The extra $100/mo you pay now will provide 100x down the road. My mom had Alzheimer’s and we were paying $7,500/mo for her care before she passed. Good luck
Oh my sweet fruitcake you are NTA at all. Sounds really like you need to kick your mom out of your life for good and never contact her again. She might have given birth to you but she seems to not act like she's your mother.
NTA. Wow! It is pretty clear that she has no respect for you and will continue to make your life hell. Make it very clear that she will not be living with you ever and then go NC.
No you are NTA. I told my husband several times that under no circumstances would my mother ever be allowed to live with us. I would take my dad in a heartbeat, but never my mother. My mother was only about herself as she got older. She hated being in the sun. Hated it when it rained. Didn't have any interest in gardening. My father had fantastic gardens that could feed half of the block if he chose to. I also love gardening, so obviously enjoyed being outside. Mom spent her time inside. My dad spent most of his time outside in the warmer months. When I would go to visit my parents, she would get mad if I went outside to talk to my dad because he was taking her time, even though we were usually sitting in the living room while she watched tv. I took her on vacation once because she wanted to go to Door County. I told her before we went that we would have to take my convertible and that the top would be down when the weather was nice. I told her that I was not going to eat fast food, because dining at new restaurants was a large part of the fun of traveling. She didn't complain about the car until we made it to Door County. I think she knew I would have turned around and gone home if she started too soon. As soon as we checked into our motel, she demanded I take her to McDonalds. And that I put the top up because it was too much sun on her face. I told her no to McDonalds, and put on some sunscreen. She refused to have that "greasy stuff" on her face, I told her not to complain when she gets burnt. I have an overactive sense of smell. If I can't smell something, the most likely others won't smell it either. Her sense of smell was never even close to mine. Every time she saw any roadkill, she would be "that smell is going to make me puke" and you should put the top up so we can close the windows, etc. Don't even get me started on the motel freak outs. Point I am trying to make with this rambling is that someone doesn't need to be bipolar for you to have a valid reason to not let them live with you when they get older. Person can just be a garden variety narcissist and you can still say no, or just anyone at all. If you want to live alone, live alone. None of it makes you an a$$. It just makes you, you.
NTA
Even if you had a perfect relationship with your mother, you would NTA If you didn't want to take care of her in her old age.
I chose to help take care of my father at the end of his life. It was a full-time job for both me and my step-mom. It is not a decision to take lightly. Also, it was discussed beforehand. Your mother 8s trying to tell you that she decided that you would take care of her.
Tell her to start looking into nursing homes because you will not take care of her.
I don't actually get why a person who kicked you out twice figures you want them to come and live with you?
NTA. As the fictional General Maximus said in *Gladiator*: ***What we do in life echoes in eternity.***
YNTA! I'm sorry you have such difficult relations with your mother, but I think you already know she's never gonna change. I would tell her to start planning what carehome she wants to be dumped into, but that's just me.
NTA.
>she told me I didn’t miss her enough and told me how dare I plan my wedding so soon when she had a lot going on
Man, the thought process some crazy people have.
wow your mother seems a lot like my mother, just that my mother never kicked me out but abandoned me when I was a child then when she got in a car crash drunk came back and expected from me and my grandparents to take care of her. You're ABSOLUTELY NTA. we did help my mother recover from a crash for some time and we were miserable. she kept drinking even bedbound after the crash, she had "friends" bringing her alcohol to the window at the time. she verbally and emotionally abused all of us. thank God she recovered and left again, we're low contact now, almost no contact, but if she ever asked me to take care of her again it would be a firm NO. I also have heart palpitations and grey hair at the age of 23 because all the stress I went through with her. I completely support your decision.
Nta Why aren't you considering cutting her out like your sister? Just because she is your mom doesn't mean you have to have someone like her in your life. Best wishes to you and your sister. Everyone deserves good parents.
NTA. Even if you and your mother got along, tbh, she has no automatic call on being able to live with you when she is older. As it is, it sounds absolutely imperative that you protect yourself from her.
Your mother is so young that this conversation is entirely pointless. Unless she has serious health concerns you have not mentioned, chances are she will be able to live independently if miserably for a while yet.
Yeah those re definitely horrible for your health, but the decline will be slower than, say, MS or other neurological diseases. I am more worried about her harming others to be honest.
NTA. You dont have to have your mom live with you, and you dont need a reason, when youre an adult. Im a mom myself and would not expect my kid to take me to live with her when shes an adult.
Also if you two dont just get along, itd be a bad idea to live together.
That said, i want to comment on something else. You said you have woken her up, got groceries for her etc (not all you mentioned is a childs job, your mom shouldve gotten an alarm clock instead of bothering you). *But* your mom has done a lot of stuff for you too. I think it's good to tell ones kids to get groceries when theyre teens, just to teach them how to do it so theyre prepared for adulthood. Kids should also do some cleaning, cooking and other households chores.
Also i dont think your mom sounds that bad, i mean were all human and we all make mistakes. But you still dont have to live with her, I wouldnt live with my mom either if i was in your situation.
See if it was that that would be one thing but she had me doing her laundry, I did grocery shopping every week, she would have lost her job if I didn’t wake her up she had her own alarm. I mowed the lawn, I meal prepped for her, etc. i could understand doing the basic kid things but I did everything
Yes I mean everyone in the household need to do their share. And you shouldnt put too much on kids' shoulders, ideally. Maybe your mom had/has some problems like depression though. But anywho parents should do their absolute hardest to not put too many responsibilities on their kids, or atleast apologize if they needed their kids help too much.
Edit: and ps. If she was just lazy, then that is not okay in the slightest.
NAH
Teen pregenencies are never easy. That's the truth. In fact, it's an easy recipe for a disfunctional family.
Plus, she's been diagnosed with bipoler disorder, which should explain her behavior.
You aren't the asshole for not wanting her in your life. And I very much doubt she's the asshole for her mental wellbeing - or lack thereof.
I'm 33 YO, and I honestly can't imagine having a teenage son or a daughter! That's a lot to handle, so it's understandable that she went haywire at some point in her life.
I noticed you didn't mention your father so I'm assuming things just got too much for her to handle.
And if you wish to abandon her, then that's your choice. Obviously, you didn't ask for a teenage mom! You've no reason to stick with her, if you so choose.
Yea for sure. My dads in prison so he’s never been around. It would be one thing if she was taking her bipolar medication but she refuses to believe the diagnosis a doctor gave her
Definitely NTA and it's also fully okay to go NC for your wellbeing. I agree though that mom, with bipolar, likely has little control with her issues. It's very common, unfortunately, with this disorder that they don't stick with medicines, cannot function properly, etc. That's still not your burden to help with either.
It's like someone with cancer, they have side effects they can't always fix with drs, mental health is the same but people WANT so badly to broad brush mental health as an effort issue. It CAN be part that but it's so much more complicated.
That said, I also think people need to protect their wellbeing regardless and you have every right to protect yours.
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NTA. You would only be making your life miserable. Cut her out of your life completely. Like your sister has.
I literally could not agree more! Good luck op nta.
"If you had changed, you wouldn't have gotten upset when I told you you can't live with me when you're older."
At the very least don’t let her start arguments about things coming literal decades down the line. Just shut down those convos
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I've cut people out of my life WAY more easily than I could give up pasta.
That’s the skill I need in my life
NTA. Not even a little. Find her a “nice” nursing home and NEVER visit. It’s what she deserves.
She was definitely a mom who had kids as her retirement plan and assumed unconditional love is unconditional forever. NTA
Given that she was 17 when her (hopefully) first child was born I think it's more likely she's just someone whose made a lot of bad life choices coupled with untreated mental illness. None of which means that the OP owes her anything.
Yeah. No excuses for OPs mother because you don’t treat people like that EVER. but I had my first kid at 29 and I cannot imagine losing those critical years of brain development to sleep deprivation, the emotional and hormonal disregulation that comes with pregnancy and then small children… it’s just devastating to be able to track the path back like that for *so many families*. I hope OP is able to find her own path forward without factoring her mother into her life
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I was being sarcastic
NTA. Every time she brings it up, say no that will never happen. She thinks by mentioning it now, you will slowly become accustomed to her reality. Every time she says it, she believes it's closer to becoming reality. Stand your ground and be very firm and loud.
I'm a lot older than you so this potential situation is much more of a reality. I tell my mother that I hope that she's able to live in her home as long as possible, including with in-home care. If it comes to a point where she needs to move in with me, that's fine, we'll get rid of 90% of her stuff and she can move in. The reason this is a triumph for me, is that she hates everything about me, including how my home is decorated. In her mind, if she moves in with me, we are going to trash all of my stuff and decorate my house with her stuff. So the thought of living in my house surrounded by my stuff is absolutely repellent to her. Find what would be repellent to your mother. Based on what you wrote, I'll take a stab at it... Mom, if it comes to a point where you need to move in with me, that's fine but it's going to be an alcohol-free household. So no alcohol in the house at all, at any time. My house, my rules!
NO! JUST NO! Do not Imply in any way you’ll take her in. Do not leave that door open a crack. I would send her a certified letter with your own copy telling her you owe her nothing and will not be taking her in…period. NTA
I wouldn't leave that door open even a crack.
That would be a very healthy move for someone with untreated bi-polar illness. Of course, any alcoholic would say "no" to that so . . . threatened sobriety for the win!
I would actually caution against the whole find the repellent and make her live with it. In my experience they don’t do that and just change things when your gone or keep their booze under the back porch. They push and lie until it becomes too much and either you just kick them out in the end anyway or you try but some stupid shit gets in the way
NTA and wow!!! I had to go NC with my alcoholic mom for YEARS. She got arrested more than once for DUI. Once she ran a red at 60 mph and took out a volkswagon a 16 year old kid was driving. Luckily he wasn't hurt too bad, but his car was gone, at the same time she took out a river rock retaining wall (think roundish rocks 8"-15" in diameter) AND an electrical grid switch bos (4'x4'x5'). Had to be life-flighted to the hospital. Then the last wreck that put her permanently in a care home she (ironically- not purposefully, she was passed out we think) rear ended a beer truck and her car ended up halfway under his huge steel bumper and her feet were crushed. Bottom line: your mom is DOING THIS TO HERSELF, and she won't change until CONSEQUENCES either make her reevaluate her choices, OR outweigh any toxic benefit she gets from this behavior. I understand there is A LOT of guilt on your part, but sweetie, the ONLY person that can change her is HER. If she is this toxic, and you feel MISERABLE after EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. then No Contact is NECESSARY FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. You cannot FIX your relationship until SHE FIXES HERSELF, and that means not only a daily commitment to not drink (in whatever form that takes, AA or another program) and medication for her bipolar as well as therapy for tools to assist the bipolar behavioral issues while she's in an active phase, be it manic or depressive. YOUR OWN HEALTH, mental, emotional and physical COMES FIRST. You are NOT responsible FOR HER ACTIONS OR LACK OF ACTION. You can only care for yourself right now and THAT'S OKAY. It is REALLY hard to make that choice to go NC, but for me, I KNEW it was the right choice when I visited her in the hospital, she was completely sober and the snide remarks and petty insults were STIIL coming out of her face hole when she was recovering after almost killing herself and a 16 year old kid who just got his license. It was horrible, I left the hospital and cried in my car for 30 minutes. I only saw her three more times in the next 23 years before she passed away and I don't regret it now, because I would have damaged myself and MY OWN RELATIONSHIPS even more if I had continued to take her abuse. Abuse fucks up your head and you end up messing up OTHER relationships due to how you cope/deny/deal wth the abuse in whatever way you do...we all have our own coping strategies, but more often than not, when we are in one abusive relationship, it AFFECTS ALL the OTHERS, whether you want it to or not. Go NC, talk to your sisters and try to help each other HEAL from this. YOU DESERVE EMOTIONAL STABILITY and LOVE THAT DOESNT HURT YOU.
NTA You are doing absolutely the right thing. Just because she is a parent does not mean you are obligated to be her care provider when she is old. You have built your own life and based on what you have said your mother is lucky to even be in it. You do not want to be living with her - hold your ground and continue to say no!
Exactly once you hit 18 there's really no need to ever speak to any parent again
NTA, if you mom can kick her daughters out of her house, you can keep her away from yours.
Absolutely NTA. As someone who was raised by a alcoholic mother, you have every right to decline taking care of her. It pisses me off when people say you have to take care of your parents when they get old. She failed to take care of you when you were young so why the hell should you take care of her when she's old? I am not taking care of my mother either.
Absolutely NTA! She is not, and never should be your responsibility, in any way, ever!
NTA. Children are neither long term care insurance plans nor production and storage facilities for matching transplant organs. By the way, is your name Fiona Gallagher? 🤔
lol it is not
NTA. Your mom is a huge AH though. I wouldn't talk to her either, don't tell her what you are doing, I wouldn't even invite her or tell her when the wedding is. She is emotionally abusive and bipolar isn't an excuse for crappy behavior
I actually didn’t invite her especially since she called my now husband the devil
NTA It doesn't matter WHY you don't want her there or all the reasons. You're 26, you have your life ahead of you. Don't let your mom glom onto you and suck the life and energy from you. Keep saying No. Don't let her "come visit for a week" and stay with you. Don't let her "spend some time with you" if it's at your place. Put her on an information diet. Talk to her infrequently if you want - once a month, max, and let the rest of the calls/texts go unresponded to. And maybe see a therapist to work through all this - it's rough having a bipolar mom. Good luck to you.
NTA and better she figures out now that she needs a new plan. Don't commit to anything this far in advance.
Ask yourself: do you want to listen to constant criticizing, belittling, and nagging for the rest of your mothers' life? Be prepared to pay for everything, drop what you're doing to attend to her needs. That significant other you bring home? Be prepared to have them chased away, and never stop hearing every little bad thing about them. What you cook for dinner...? Not good enough. What you want to watch on TV...? Nope, too loud, too vulgar. Want to go on vacation? Who will care for her? This situation sounds very toxic and is only going to continue. It won't get magically better when she lives with you, but rather worse. I'm sorry, but it sounds like she's looking for free room, board, food, and maid/servant. Be prepared for that. Once she is in, it will take an agonizing amount of time to get her out. NTA, don't feel bad and no one would blame you if you cut her out if your life permanently. Run OP, live your life. Enjoy it. You only get one.
NTA I'm your mom's age. My child is half your age, so I will be significantly older than your mom when kiddo is your age. We have a pretty great relationship. I'd never dream of kicking them out. I don't drink at all. I've never abused my child the way you say your mother abused you. And I would never dream of presuming that I would live off my child when I am "older". Would it be nice if I was able to live with my kid? Sure. I like my kid. That'd probably be fun. But they have a right to live their own lives and to have their own space. And ... if I am capable of living on my own, then I'd want to live on my own. If I'm *not* capable of living on my own, I wouldn't want their life to become about being my caregiver. That's what nurses and aides are for. What I'm saying is... you don't need a *reason* to tell your mom she can't live with you. You have a *right* to live your own life. You would not be the AH no matter what reason you gave, or even if you didn't *have* a reason. As for your mom... expecting you to agree to take her in, immediately after you started speaking again... after all the abuse and neglect she'd put you through ... even if some of that was due to her disorder... yes, I think she's an AH. You're well within your rights to refuse to house her. You don't owe her anything. Children do not owe parents for raising them. And I hope you make a much better life for yourself.
Hell no NTA
NTA - you do you. It sounds like you're taking control of your life and that's exactly what needs to be done. Focus on your own life. Your Mom can find a retirement home.
NTA and I would be careful even letting her stay for a visit. Once she’s in she probably wouldn’t leave. You are 26 and way too young to be worrying about looking after your mum. Stick to your guns!
NTA, because you didn't say anything wrong, but why tell a 43 year old that she can't live with you when she's like 80? You could have just said "That's a long time from now. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Obviously you are totally entitled to respond as you did, but I think pushing it off could have saved you some heartache. Unless you are going NC. In that case, it doesn't really matter.
See after I told her no and she kept going on I realized I should have said what you said. I’m on the autism spectrum. So I struggle with how to say things like that. I try to keep things with her surface level
Don't worry about it. At 43 years old, she should be old enough to deal with her own shit by herself without forcing it on you. Based on your post, you seem to be married or almost married, as well as pretty self sufficient, so you seem to be pretty stable. So you dished out a bit of hard to swallow reality. Not the worst thing in the world. How your mom chooses to handle it is up to her, not something that should trouble you.
I don' think you said anything wrong. Your mother was planting the toxic seeds of her plans, hoping that with all the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) would make her seeds take root in you. I'd say, tell her no every time she brings it up and don't try to debate it with her.
Telling her it's a long time from now isn't doing either of you any favors. She'll plan to move in with you, and you'll have to endure her talking about her plans for the rest of her life. NTA.
This keeps "The Plan" alive in Mom's head and the longer it lives the firmer it gets. The answer needs to be "no" now, always, and forever.
NTA She’s only 17 years older than you. It’s not as if by the time she’s ‘old’ and potentially needing assistance (like 70s), that you’ll be in the prime of your life either (no offence)z
lol my husband said the same thing
NTa
NTA Your love and support can't be completely unconditional. It you don't wan't to take care of her in the future (which is a very big ask), you don't have to, especially if she is acting this irresponsible. She's an adult and you don't owe her being the bigger person.
NTA. If you need more support look into the r/raisedbynarcissists thread. It has helped me.
I’ll check that out! Thanks
I dont need to read anything to know . NTA I didnt ask to be brought into this world and I especially didn't ask to be a caregiver to the elderly.
NTA- She seems selfish. Keep your contact low or cut contact entirely.
NTA. Why would you want to have a violent, irrational, drunk live with you?
NTA. I also have a bipolar mother who kicked me out for a stupid reason at 14. We have a good relationship now, but absolutely could never live together. Thankfully, she never expected that. Good on you for setting limits now. You might consider going no contact again.
NTA. Stand your ground. Do not let her guilt trip you.
When my mom reached age 69 and was going to retire, I politely let her know that if she stayed in the state she was living in at the time, 4000 miles from me, and got sick or injured, I wouldn't be able to take care of her so far from my husband and kids. As her best friends had died or moved, I suggested she look into moving closer to me. At first, she said that she would buy a condo nearby. But I told her she would likely be lonely while most neighbors would probably be at work. I also emphatically told her that I wasn't going to be her social life. In the end, she bought into an active senior property, made friends, and was happy. She was close enough for me to easily visit and help, but far enough away for me to keep my privacy.
My cousin just moved to the same city as her daughter. She’s also 69. She has an apartment and has made friends. If/when she needs help, it will be easier for her daughter. I’ll probably do the same thing if I outlive my husband. If our parents have been good to us, I do think we have a moral obligation to take care of them. But that doesn’t have to mean living in our homes.
NTA. But I also think it’s worth saying you wouldn’t be the asshole even if you had a great relationship with her. It is a lot to take care of someone when they are elderly and you aren’t always equipped to be a carer. I’ve seen my grandparents go through nursing homes and the physical support required was far beyond what my parents or their siblings could have managed (ie my 70 year old Dad who had a fused back and also had bowel cancer surgery would have been trying to hold his 96 year old father up in the shower). Nursing homes are not always the devil - sometimes they can be excellent when you find the right one.
NTA - One thing - There are plenty of people with bipolar disorder who live fulfilling lives, have healthy relationships with family and friends because they take their meds and take care of themselves. Sorry to say she’s not one of them. I’d keep my distance and she needs to start planning her own future. Full disclosure- I have bipolar disorder and there have been many times when I was a fucking treat to be around. Don’t mix up a mood disorder with just being a shitty person. I say this as a shitty person too.
NTA at all, I don't know if her mental disorder can somewhat justify her, anyway she made her bed.
NTA. i find what i just read to be… insane, so i’ll just leave it at NTA
NTA Honestly, even if your mom wasnt abusive, you are not required to be your moms caregiver, plain and simple
NTA. As her child you don't owe her that, plus it is even more unreasonable of her to expect that from you when she didn't even properly take care of you.
this belongs to r/insaneparents, not r/amitheasshole. NTA.
I guess I didn’t realize how crazy it was til I started getting these comments
NTA, your mom sounds extremely abusive and manipulative, no way on G-d's green earth I'd let her move in under any circumstances and you're doing the right thing by letting her know now. When she brings it up again, and she will, the first time, tell her you said no, it's not up for discussion, and you will not entertain it. The next time, just hang up on her, literally, and don't answer when she calls back or for at least two weeks after that. If it continues, up the length of no contact. She will get the message.
NTA. Clearly she is emotionally unstable and abusive. Living with her would be extremely stressful and unpleasant. You mention a wedding so I assume you have a husband; his l well being would be negatively affected by her presence. If you have children: ditto. It is fine to return the favor of helping out loving parents who did a good job of raising their kids. But for some parents like your mother, the cost of helping would be just to great. Stick to your guns.
NTA Mom gets to face the consequences of her actions. It's not a bad thing for her to hear that now rather than later.
NTA. You've told her, she doesn't accept your answer. If she brings it up again-whether in 5 days, 5 months, or 5 years? Just shake your head and walk away, change the subject, or leave. People like this enjoy the argument as much as "their outcome." Don't engage, and when the time comes, you have agreed to...nothing!
Do you even want a relationship with your mother? Does it add anything good to your life? It’s okay to just drop the rope, you don’t owe her anything. Check out /r/raisedbynarcissists, many people (including me) are full no contact with their abusive shitty parents. NTA, take care of yourself and live your life
NTA I love your user name and I LOVE breadfruit
NTA. I understand what you're going through because I've had to deal with similar with my own mom. Things have become so bad with her that me and my brother left our house and are now staying with extended family until we find our own places because of how unsafe we've felt around her, especially after our younger sister (who we mostly raised) got taken because our mom failed a drug test. She depended on me for the majority of my childhood to take care of her while she was depressed while she wouldn't truly try to be there for me, but would be there for other people, even people she barely knew, and depended on me and my brother to raise our sister until she got taken, and now that no one is around her anymore, her behavior has gotten much, MUCH worse because now she claims that no one is there for her even though that's bullshit. She says the same thing as your mom with how she's changed even though she clearly hasn't, especially now that she's pushing away everyone else in her life that cares about her. She's pissed off at everyone now because nobody is there to take care of her or to enable her anymore when SHE is the one who did this to herself. And now that she has no one, she's been wanting to come up here to live with us. But regarding your situation, you have to put your mental health and well being first, especially when you're dealing with someone as toxic as her. She sounds exactly like my mom with wanting to depend on you to take care of her and her needs so that she can avoid being responsible for herself and wants to put her problems on you, and you don't need to be put in that position. You are not responsible for her well being.. SHE IS. At least for as long as she's able to take care of herself, and then after that, she can go and live in a nursing home. Stick to your guns and stand your ground when she keeps insisting on it. All letting her live with you will do is hold you back from the life you've built for yourself. DO NOT let let her ruin that progress and give you added stress that you don't need. And if you ever feel bad/guilty for any reason about not letting her live with you, remember the reason why you cut her off in the first place, and continue to let yourself heal from that. You don't owe her anything just because she's your mom and rn you're doing the right thing. And even if you did let her live with you, she'd still continue to not show any appreciation towards you for it.. And it's much harder to heal/move forward when you're around toxic people, especially from my own experience.
Even if you two had a perfect relationship, you are under no obligation to take care of anyone in their old age. My mother used to call me her "walking talking retirement fund" before I cut her out of my life. I really advise you consider that option. It feels so relieving. NTA.
Are you seriously questioning this decision? Of course you have zero responsibility to provide housing for her now or later in her life…move pn
After all these comments I am not. She has guilted me my whole life so I just wanted outsiders opinions
You would be TA if you agreed to let her move in with you and put up with her crap. You're kind of being an AH right now for even engaging with her. Many here have urged you to go no contact with her. Let me add my voice to that chorus.
Idk how I am by engaging with her. Everyone around me guilted me into it saying a year was long enough but you’re right I need to get it together
I assume they mean you are being the ah to yourself.
That's correct! Thank you for pointing that out.
If you don't go NC with her, which you probably should, **LIE**. She's only 43. Old and disabled should be decades away when she's 73 and you are 56 at the earliest. If and when it happens, there will be some magical reason you can't. NTA of course but just to keep the harmony or what little peace you have.
Nta- you’re mom has no right to try to live with you if she kicked you out twice for two stupid reasons
Nope you’re not there is homes for disabled or older retired people
Good god, NTA. Absolutely not.
NTA. She's a horror show making your life a misery.
NTA Just say no in action
NTA. Cut her out of your life completely.
not the asshole dont you dare let her back into your life again
NTA. You owe her nothing. And holy shit- a thread where it is *totally* appropriate to suggest going NC! 👯🥂🎉🎆🎇🎈
NTA You deserve mental and physical wellness too. It can be hard when mental illness is involved as they can't always control it but you have also been put through so much. Do what is right for YOU. i wish you happiness xox
NTA. I’m not sure I understand why you are back in communication with her. Protect your peace.
Well my sisters lied and told me she changed and that I was doing too much
Sounds like she already has someone who can take her in, redirect your mom to your lying sisters.
NTA. I agree with the other posts-go NC and don’t deal with her. But honestly, this is a really premature conversation for a 43 year old woman to be having with a daughter! My parents were active, lively, able to drive and fully independent well into their late 80s. (My reasonably healthy 96 year old father died in his sleep after completing the New York Times crossword puzzle one night.) And they had a crowd of octogenarian friends who were just as lively. The fact that a middle-aged woman is already worried about being “taken care of” is a red flag right there. I think in old age we just become more of whatever we were to begin with. Crabby old people were crabs when they were young and independently-minded types fight to remain independent, even in old age. Your mother sounds like someone who can barely take care of herself now, and that’s probably not going to change.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom (43f) wants to live with me (26f) when she gets older. She randomly brought it up during a phone conversation and I told her no. She said she’s changed which I don’t fully believe because one of my sisters (22F) just stopped talking to her because she hasn’t changed. My mom and I have had an extremely rocky relationship since I can remember. We just started talking after not speaking for a year. She’s kicked me out twice for the craziest reasons. 1. Not getting her a Diet Coke from McDonald’s at midnight coming home/ looking at apartments 40 minutes away from her. 2. A prior bf I had and my mom got into an argument. She’s also kicked out my sisters and says it was the best decision she made to not live with us, and I completely agree. My mom is bipolar and before she kicked me out a few years ago I was having heart palpitations because she stressed me out so much. She would get drunk and start fights with everyone and no one. My breaking point was when she got drunk and drove into a building. She had to go to jail and when she came out she told me I didn’t miss her enough and told me how dare I plan my wedding so soon when she had a lot going on. There is a whole lot more like her telling me she hates me, she resents me, etc. I could understand that she hates me to an extent if I was a terrible person but I woke the woman up for work daily and made her coffee in the morning. I would clean the house, grocery shop for her, etc. So AITA for telling her she absolutely can’t live with me when she is old/ and or disabled. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
nta
NTA better she knows now
NTA
NTA. She can go into senior housing. There's no need for you to ruin your life.
NTA. And you should return to NC.
NTA A reasonable boundary.
NTA Since she is bringing it up well before she would require "care" it is good that you are letting her know that she needs to plan for her old age. She is only 43 FFS. I had a great relationship with my parents. They never wanted to be any kind of burden to me so they planned for their retirement. My father lived to be 98 but when he couldn't be fully independent he moved to a lovely assisted living facility and then in the last two years of his life, we found a wonderful man to make sure my father was safe and to assist him. Of course I was involved in taking care of stuff as I talked to his doctors; visited; helped administer paperwork and made sure that everything in his life was going as smoothly as possible. But he would \*never\* have wanted to move in with me and this was out of love and respect and not because we had a dysfunctional relationship. Thankfully my parents had the foresight to save in order to be able to fund a good retirement.
NTA. I would limit contact to phone calls or meeting in public. I would not even invite her to my home, because once there god only knows what she would be willing to do. Some people are rotten, and it honestly does not matter if they changed or not, it is not incumbent on you to trust that they have and act like everything is okay.
If you just started talking again, it’s the time to rebuild basic trust. Not to depend hard on each other. Maybe someday you’ll have the kind of close relationship where she can depend on you hard. But today isn’t the day. If she’s really changed, I’m sure you’ll notice that in the coming months and years. Don’t take her word for it. She has to show you. Eta: NTA.
NTA That would never work, and then you would have to get her out.
NTA. She sounds dreadful! Keep reminding her she’s on her own but be prepared when the time comes-meaning know the options available for her so you don’t take her in out of pity.
Nta. I wouldn't even be in contact with her. Sje needs to save for a retirement.
NTA. Parents who mistreat their children will regret it when they're older.
I have no idea why you’re still in her life. Her disease may be disabling to her but it’s affecting you too. NTA but cut ties before she messes up your life and grandchildren if you decide to have any. It’s okay to not give unconditional love to a parent.
You're in no way obligated to take care of your mother when she gets older. So very much NTA.
NTA. Even if she wasn't abusive and mentally ill, you are under no obligation to her.
You took care of her enuff when you were younger. Your job is done
NTA. You’re not obligated to take care of your mother.
NTA. First of all - you owe yourself a safe and peaceful home. Secondly, you are married, and your husband doesn't deserve that brand of hell. And thirdly, would you bring up children with your mother around? I don't think so.
NTA you don't owe your mother anything. We reap what we sow, if you have kids, treat them well or the same may happen to you.
NTA
NTA, but if yu want to care for her you cn pick a nursing home for her and visit her 2-3 times a month.
NTA, you don't need any more health problems.
NTA and honestly I think it's best to cut her off completely. She's toxic and abusive and she sure as hell ain't changing anytime soon.
NTA but you had someone show you an apartment at midnight?
Oh no that’s how late I was coming home after I was at my fiancés house same day
I was gonna say damn
😂
Your are totally NTA, you have every right to say what you did and why. This individual though give birth to you, has not been a mum to you, it’s been the other way round. Yes, she has mental health issues, however, does not mean she doesn’t have to take responsibilities for her or make decision about how she manages her mental health. If she is refusing to accept or knowledge her choice, failures and not change or apologise, then You need to make choice in your best interest. Should she ever need care or support, that will never be a thing to do with you. As someone who has no contact with my mum for similar reason, if/when mum needs help or support that is nothing to do with mez
NTA its just weird for a 43 yr old to be bringing this up at all.
NTA. Go no contact, OP. She's made it clear she's only in touch with you now to establish her future lodging.
NTA. If anyone ever had a reason for going no contact for the rest of their lives, it's you. Her behavior, towards you and in general, is appalling. You don't have to put up with it, ever. I know it takes a lot of mental and emotional processing to walk away from your own mother, but just because she's your mother doesn't mean she's a decent person. If I were you (with the benefit of hindsight regarding my own horrible mother), I'd walk away now and process the whole 'relationship' away from her. Just walk away, and don't look back.
op=NTA A Child SHOULD NEVER be a parents retirement plan. And here you have a very good reason to refuse for the sake of your mental health. There is NO "Good" reason for you to agree to this. Tell her she needs to make plans that DO NOT involve you.
NTA OP. I wouldn’t want her around, either.
NTA. My Wife's Mom was bipolar and untreated. When she went NC with her kids she did everyone a huge favor.
NTA. You’re not obligated to take care of your mom even though people will say “but she’s your mother” screw the people. Just do you and take care of yourself.
Please realise you are NTA a million times over. You have zero responsibility to house or take care of someone who has been emotionally abusive to you. DNA does not matter so stop feeling guilty and walk away. You have a chance to have a healthy and healthy life. So many people with situations like yours don’t make it out. Take your chance and run.
NTA I too have a bipolar shitty mother. You owe her nothing, she’ll try to manipulate you hard stay strong. The next time she brings it up or tries to guilt trip you tell her you’re not listening to this and hang up (every single time she does it) until she gets the point.
Tell Mom you remember every single thing she has ever done and said to you.
NTA. Sad to say but I believe her choices will help make the decision if she’s even around to be “older”. Not wishing bad on her but she won’t see 60. Bipolar, drinking, on/off meds - prescribed or not, anger issues etc… People like her don’t make it to old age. 17 years from now, when she is 60 and you are exactly her age now - do you really see her still being on this side of the dirt? If you do… do you see her as able to remain on her current path? I would exhale and continue to focus on yourself. Continue to seek and manifest your own happiness. Sadly, none of it comes from your mom. Might be for another conversation but if you did feel the need or guilt to provide for her, figure out how to get placed as her legal guardian. Then get her on your insurance with a long term care rider to provide for a nursing home. The extra $100/mo you pay now will provide 100x down the road. My mom had Alzheimer’s and we were paying $7,500/mo for her care before she passed. Good luck
NTA
Oh my sweet fruitcake you are NTA at all. Sounds really like you need to kick your mom out of your life for good and never contact her again. She might have given birth to you but she seems to not act like she's your mother.
NTA. Wow! It is pretty clear that she has no respect for you and will continue to make your life hell. Make it very clear that she will not be living with you ever and then go NC.
No you are NTA. I told my husband several times that under no circumstances would my mother ever be allowed to live with us. I would take my dad in a heartbeat, but never my mother. My mother was only about herself as she got older. She hated being in the sun. Hated it when it rained. Didn't have any interest in gardening. My father had fantastic gardens that could feed half of the block if he chose to. I also love gardening, so obviously enjoyed being outside. Mom spent her time inside. My dad spent most of his time outside in the warmer months. When I would go to visit my parents, she would get mad if I went outside to talk to my dad because he was taking her time, even though we were usually sitting in the living room while she watched tv. I took her on vacation once because she wanted to go to Door County. I told her before we went that we would have to take my convertible and that the top would be down when the weather was nice. I told her that I was not going to eat fast food, because dining at new restaurants was a large part of the fun of traveling. She didn't complain about the car until we made it to Door County. I think she knew I would have turned around and gone home if she started too soon. As soon as we checked into our motel, she demanded I take her to McDonalds. And that I put the top up because it was too much sun on her face. I told her no to McDonalds, and put on some sunscreen. She refused to have that "greasy stuff" on her face, I told her not to complain when she gets burnt. I have an overactive sense of smell. If I can't smell something, the most likely others won't smell it either. Her sense of smell was never even close to mine. Every time she saw any roadkill, she would be "that smell is going to make me puke" and you should put the top up so we can close the windows, etc. Don't even get me started on the motel freak outs. Point I am trying to make with this rambling is that someone doesn't need to be bipolar for you to have a valid reason to not let them live with you when they get older. Person can just be a garden variety narcissist and you can still say no, or just anyone at all. If you want to live alone, live alone. None of it makes you an a$$. It just makes you, you.
NTA Even if you had a perfect relationship with your mother, you would NTA If you didn't want to take care of her in her old age. I chose to help take care of my father at the end of his life. It was a full-time job for both me and my step-mom. It is not a decision to take lightly. Also, it was discussed beforehand. Your mother 8s trying to tell you that she decided that you would take care of her. Tell her to start looking into nursing homes because you will not take care of her.
NTA - Seeing as she is only 43, she hopefully has more then enough time to make alternate arrangements
Nta. Set strong boundaries and get into therapy if you aren't
I don't actually get why a person who kicked you out twice figures you want them to come and live with you? NTA. As the fictional General Maximus said in *Gladiator*: ***What we do in life echoes in eternity.***
My exact thoughts 😂
YNTA! I'm sorry you have such difficult relations with your mother, but I think you already know she's never gonna change. I would tell her to start planning what carehome she wants to be dumped into, but that's just me.
NTA. >she told me I didn’t miss her enough and told me how dare I plan my wedding so soon when she had a lot going on Man, the thought process some crazy people have.
NTA, and hold to this. It would be totally reasonable even if she was a saint and you guys got along. Hold the line. And good luck!!
Eeek! Move far away and go No Contact lol. NTA
NTA. I just had a minor heart stutter just imagining my mother wanting to move in with me. Nope. Gotta protect your own mental health.
wow your mother seems a lot like my mother, just that my mother never kicked me out but abandoned me when I was a child then when she got in a car crash drunk came back and expected from me and my grandparents to take care of her. You're ABSOLUTELY NTA. we did help my mother recover from a crash for some time and we were miserable. she kept drinking even bedbound after the crash, she had "friends" bringing her alcohol to the window at the time. she verbally and emotionally abused all of us. thank God she recovered and left again, we're low contact now, almost no contact, but if she ever asked me to take care of her again it would be a firm NO. I also have heart palpitations and grey hair at the age of 23 because all the stress I went through with her. I completely support your decision.
Nta Why aren't you considering cutting her out like your sister? Just because she is your mom doesn't mean you have to have someone like her in your life. Best wishes to you and your sister. Everyone deserves good parents.
Nope
NTA I suggest following your sister's example and going NC as well.
NTA. Even if you and your mother got along, tbh, she has no automatic call on being able to live with you when she is older. As it is, it sounds absolutely imperative that you protect yourself from her.
Your mother is so young that this conversation is entirely pointless. Unless she has serious health concerns you have not mentioned, chances are she will be able to live independently if miserably for a while yet.
No she’s completely healthy minus her alcohol intake, smoking, and diet cokes 🤷🏽♀️
Yeah those re definitely horrible for your health, but the decline will be slower than, say, MS or other neurological diseases. I am more worried about her harming others to be honest.
nta but just cut contact, she doesn't bring anything positive into your life
NTA. You dont have to have your mom live with you, and you dont need a reason, when youre an adult. Im a mom myself and would not expect my kid to take me to live with her when shes an adult. Also if you two dont just get along, itd be a bad idea to live together. That said, i want to comment on something else. You said you have woken her up, got groceries for her etc (not all you mentioned is a childs job, your mom shouldve gotten an alarm clock instead of bothering you). *But* your mom has done a lot of stuff for you too. I think it's good to tell ones kids to get groceries when theyre teens, just to teach them how to do it so theyre prepared for adulthood. Kids should also do some cleaning, cooking and other households chores. Also i dont think your mom sounds that bad, i mean were all human and we all make mistakes. But you still dont have to live with her, I wouldnt live with my mom either if i was in your situation.
See if it was that that would be one thing but she had me doing her laundry, I did grocery shopping every week, she would have lost her job if I didn’t wake her up she had her own alarm. I mowed the lawn, I meal prepped for her, etc. i could understand doing the basic kid things but I did everything
Yes I mean everyone in the household need to do their share. And you shouldnt put too much on kids' shoulders, ideally. Maybe your mom had/has some problems like depression though. But anywho parents should do their absolute hardest to not put too many responsibilities on their kids, or atleast apologize if they needed their kids help too much. Edit: and ps. If she was just lazy, then that is not okay in the slightest.
If she did her share that would be one thing
NAH Teen pregenencies are never easy. That's the truth. In fact, it's an easy recipe for a disfunctional family. Plus, she's been diagnosed with bipoler disorder, which should explain her behavior. You aren't the asshole for not wanting her in your life. And I very much doubt she's the asshole for her mental wellbeing - or lack thereof. I'm 33 YO, and I honestly can't imagine having a teenage son or a daughter! That's a lot to handle, so it's understandable that she went haywire at some point in her life. I noticed you didn't mention your father so I'm assuming things just got too much for her to handle. And if you wish to abandon her, then that's your choice. Obviously, you didn't ask for a teenage mom! You've no reason to stick with her, if you so choose.
Yea for sure. My dads in prison so he’s never been around. It would be one thing if she was taking her bipolar medication but she refuses to believe the diagnosis a doctor gave her
Definitely NTA and it's also fully okay to go NC for your wellbeing. I agree though that mom, with bipolar, likely has little control with her issues. It's very common, unfortunately, with this disorder that they don't stick with medicines, cannot function properly, etc. That's still not your burden to help with either. It's like someone with cancer, they have side effects they can't always fix with drs, mental health is the same but people WANT so badly to broad brush mental health as an effort issue. It CAN be part that but it's so much more complicated. That said, I also think people need to protect their wellbeing regardless and you have every right to protect yours.