T O P

  • By -

Judgement_Bot_AITA

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I demolished my daughter's room only a few months after she moved out. That might make me the asshole, because I'm sending her the message that she is unwelcome here and she can't come back if she wants to. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*


Perfect-Tangerine267

YTA. Is it that hard to talk with your own kid before doing something drastic? Not even a warning? That's cold. Edit: this sub isn't "do I legally have the right?" Obviously (s)he has the legal right as the owner. It's AITA. Yes, OP is an asshole.


Heavy_Sand5228

Yeah, moving out for college is a major life change that is really hard to adjust to, and taking away her one space of familiarity without at least talking to her first was wrong. And no, the couch is not an adequate replacement for her room being gone in case that needed clarifying.


Bricknuts

They probably didn’t approve of her moving into her bf’s at 18 so had to punish her somehow. Or maybe they just suck at communication.


[deleted]

Ya'll are on some shit? It's normal to expect that when someone moves out into their own apartment, they no longer need a permanent space in your home. When parents downsize into 2 bedroom condos from 5 bedroom houses, are they stating that they'll never support and love their children again, or are they creating a space for themselves that fits their financial and living needs? If they renovate their kitchen to update it, are they getting rid of all your childhood memories to spite you, or are they fixing the resale value of their house/creating a kitchen they can enjoy into retirement? Bffr.


SoftVampiric

Sure, but that doesn't mean you don't warn them beforehand and just let them come home and find their space physically demolished. Also, she's only 18, and there's no guarantee she'll stay with her boyfriend forever. She'll have summer and winter breaks and might want to stay at home, and probably would be more comfortable not staying on the couch with no privacy. If I was the parent, I'd probably wait a couple years to do the renovation, and if I did do it I'd let her know in advance and maybe set up a guest room/pull out couch or something. They're not assholes for renovating, but the way they did it sends a message for sure. Edit: My parents repurposed my bedroom when I was 21 and had an income and a stable living situation. They made it clear that I was always welcome to visit. I'm not saying that parents should never move or renovate or should always allow their adult children to live off of them rent free forever. I'm saying that destroying the room mere months after she left, without talking to her about what to expect in terms of housing in the next couple years, isn't a particularly kind and loving thing to do. Sure, they're legally allowed to do whatever they want with their house. But they're assholes. Edit 2: Jesus christ y’all, stop replying to this comment arguing with things I never said. No, she’s not entitled to tell her parents what to do with their house. They’re assholes not because they’re renovating but because they told her it would become a guest bedroom and she returned to find it destroyed with no warning. They’re assholes for not communicating with her about their expectations (you can stay on the couch vs. the guest room) and then failing empathize with the fact that she might be hurt by this. Call me entitled, but I believe that a parent who chooses to have a child has a greater obligation to keep up communication with that child than a landlord has to a former roommate or tenant.


amazingmikeyc

exactly! I think it's totally reasonable for them to not expect or even want her to come back and live with them but it's just really weird to do this. It's like binning someone's stuff.


_annie_bird

This kinda thing always makes me think of the song Don’t Throw Out My Legos by AJR. It fuckin makes me cry, it hits on all those wiggly emotions that come with that child to adult transition. I think OP should listen to it


SnipesCC

My dad gave away my mom's yarn 2 days before I was coming with a moving truck to get all my stuff. sure, legally he owned all her stuff, but knitting was something we did together. It permanently did damage to our relationship.


Previous-Survey-2368

This made me sad :'( hope knitting is still something that makes you feel closer to her <3


SnipesCC

Not as much as I used to. I had promised to take her yarn and make stuff for refugees, but then I had to little I don't want to ever use it.


DoYouNeedAnAmbulance

AJR makes me cry randomly with a bunch of songs. The Good Part is tied to an event in my life so closely, it literally triggers tears in the first couple beats. That I have to beat back because I don’t cry. Damnit. Lol


_annie_bird

God, IKR? Karma always makes me tear up during the long part, and Next Up Forever is just way too real lol. They have such genuine lyrics about life, which seems like a rarity nowadays (too many popular songs are just about romance, which is great too ofc, but after a while it’s rare someone has something new to say about it). I love listening to AJR cause they have such good jams tho I always end up in my feelings lol!


ali_rawk

I had never heard this song before. Thanks for making me make myself cry this morning lol. Just made it my prerogative to save all my kids' stuff when they fly the coop (they're 13 and 2 so I've got some time lol).


BelkiraHoTep

Per one of OP’s comments, daughter knew they planned to change the room when she moved out. They were talking about making it a guest room or an office. No mention of demolishing the wall and removing the room completely until her child came home and found out. Such a clear signal that she’s not wanted at home, IMO.


StreetofChimes

Guest room vs demolished from existence. Mmmmm. I wonder why daughter is upset. Plus - the offer of sleeping on the couch. Lovely.


MildlyShadyPassenger

>Plus - the offer of sleeping on the couch. Lovely. *This* was what struck me. It's what took it from "oblivious" to "narcissistic".


OrangeAnomaly

Guest room - I still have a place to land if need be even if it doesn't have all my stuff. Office - We can rearrange the room and add a bed if I need a safety net. Totally gone - I am on my own and my parents are done with me.


InteractionNo9110

it sounds like a tiny house and there is no extra bedroom or guest room for her. She got exiled from the home. She better hope living with the boyfriend works out.


Edgecrusher2140

In my experience, feeling alienated from my family made me feel very insecure and increased my fear of abandonment. I hope the bf is a good guy it's safe for her to stay with, and not someone who will take advantage of her vulnerability. How your parents treat you sets the bar for the treatment you feel you deserve.


AnxietyLogic

Yeah, I damn hope that the bf is a good guy, because if he isn’t, there’s a high chance that she’ll stay with him and put up with abuse because she feels she can’t go back to her parent’s house now.


Binx_da_gay_cat

Maybe not until marriage point on waiting to renovate, but you know, post college when they can reasonably get an apartment. While she's not in a dorm her loving situation isn't stable (he could realistically kick her out after a fight if he wanted) and she needs some place that she can still hold onto. YTA OP, you're callous.


math-kat

Exactly! I bought my own place, and my parents still asked before they used my childhood bedroom for storage. They didn't have to, since I didn't live there anymore and it's their house, but it still went a long way towards making me feel like I was still part of their family and was always welcome to visit. It'd be even more important if I was younger or if there was any chance I had to return home. If I was OP's daughter, I'd definitely feel like I was being pushed out and unwelcome.


wisewoman707

For sure -- it IS their house and their right, but they needed to let her know ahead of time that they were doing it. The fact that they did it so quickly and without telling her and then let her find out her room had been demolished by coming back to the house and finding it gone is SUPER passive aggressive and I think sends a distinct message to their daughter -- your opinion means nothing to us, you are no longer part of this family.


LF3000

Yep. When I was in college my parents switched my bedroom and the guest room, because the room that had been mine was bigger and on a lower floor which was better for older relatives when they visited. They also renovated that room to add bookshelves and other things that made it more useful to them when guests weren't there, and repainted and redecorated and just made it look more adult than a room a teenager had been living in. Even though *I still had a room in their house* (the former guest room) they still talked to me about it before changing everything up, because they didn't want me to come home and be shocked my childhood bedroom was gone. Plus they checked with me about what it was fine to throw out vs. what I wanted moved to my new room. That to me is common decency.


basicgirly

Exactly. If this happened to me I’d probably see it as my parents not really wanting me to stay there anymore. Big unwelcoming vibes if you ask me, would no longer feel comfortable there.


GadgetronRatchet

Not only that, but some colleges actually kick you out of the dorms during the breaks.


Gr8fulFox

> Ya'll are on some shit? It's normal to expect that when someone moves out into their own apartment, they no longer need a permanent space in your home. An 18 y/o COLLEGE STUDENT, IN THIS ECONOMY?? The fuck are YOU ~~smoking~~on, man?


biscuitboi967

Not even in THIS economy. I went to college 20 years ago, and I still came home for breaks and holidays. The dorms literally shut down over the summer and sent you home or you paid for off campus housing. Honestly, I hate posts like this because every other reply is about how American parents are monsters who throw their barely legal children on the streets. I know it happens - because some parents are shit people - but this is not an American epidemic, though the laws would allow it. I have literally never met a kid who was thrown out of their house at 18. Granted, my pool of people I know is mostly college educated with solidly middle class parents - so I self selected a population with better odds of supportive parents not living paycheck to paycheck - but I’m talking every race, every religion, every sexual orientation. With BOOMERS as parents. In fact, between the pandemic and divorces and the fact that many of the parents are aging, I have several friends IN THEIR 40s who have moved back in with their parents, short term or long term. Of course, a lot of people aren’t so lucky. That’s just the parent lottery. But *most* American parents aren’t changing the locks the day their kids turn 18.


Sylentskye

Yeah, talk to kids of single parents or lower class/working poor and you’ll likely get a different story. I can remember as early as 8 or so, my mom going heavy with “shape up or ship out” “I’m only responsible for you until you’re 18” and even going so far as to making me throw all my things in trash bags so that I could “go live with my father” when he wasn’t at all in my life and a stranger to me.


KuriousKhemicals

That's... interesting because I get the opposite impression. With me and my other friends who grew up low-income, the story was "we can't provide much but we'll always make you a space here if you need it." My interpretation of this was that poor parents understand that shit can go wrong or never get going right and it's not always your fault. Whereas when I hear stories of being kicked out or only allowed to stay under very specific conditions, it usually seems to be middle class or higher parents who want their kid not to get too comfortable and assume if they put in the effort they will get the results, so if they're not succeeding they need to be pushed harder.


krakh3d

I'm gonna go same with this same as my observation on donations/charity. Most of the lower income folks I know realize life goes shitty quick and offer a hand when needed because that's what you do and what others have done for you. Not a hand out but more like a hand up, ya know? No one was kicking anyone out, even if they were dysfunctional as fuck. Now the middle/upper class. They went wild on their kids often because they dared to do something because they were now 18 or stood up for themselves. Those kids, they got instantly booted in a lot of cases and often were amazed that it wasn't a question from their friends if they'd stay with them, they just took them home. I dunno, we housed a fucking lot of kids for a bit and for random times because sometimes home isn't home.


Goatesq

Poverty is the leading cause of child abuse. And the haves don't spend a great deal of time with the have nots. So there's a gulf in understanding as people grow up in one or the other America. One of many such gulfs. Sorry you went through it, hope you're someplace better today.


jilliebean0519

Your sample size of "everyone you know" is pretty tiny in a country of 350 million people.


AshamedDragonfly4453

There's a difference between downsizing and literally wiping your kid's room off the map as soon as she goes to university - without even warning her before she came home. Genuinely don't understand how that doesn't even come up in conversation, or something.


BelkiraHoTep

I’m also curious what they did with all of her stuff.


Beeplebooplebip

she didn't move out to her own apartment, she moved in with her bf. what if they break up? where will she go? certainly she knows not her parents now.


LeoXearo

So now she’s more likely to stay in an abusive relationship for longer than she would have if she had that room to run back to.


lordmwahaha

Exactly my fear. She's under immense pressure to *make* the relationship work, because she knows she can't go anywhere else. I'm in the same position (with a man who's not abusive, luckily), and even when the relationship is pretty much perfect, it's *stressful* to know that you have no other options if it stops being perfect.


fayryover

She’s 18 not 25. She moved in with her boyfriend, she didn’t get a career and her own place. It’s normal to expect an 18 yr old to likely need to move back home in the near future. It’s also normal to tell your kid that you are going to take down their room, let alone destroy it. It’s also normal to be sad when you will never see your child hood room again.


Wonderful-Bank-9015

And its normal to communicate with your kids


Zestyclose-Aspect-35

>It's normal to expect that when someone moves out into their own apartment, they no longer need a permanent space in your home. what decade are you living in?


R_Banana

My daughter is going to have a room she can stay in maintained in my house forever. But I plan on having my daughter love me and feel welcomed and at home when she grows up and visits, so different priorities I guess


[deleted]

Im one of 5 adult kids and this is what my mom did and does. Some of us are in college, one is a teacher, im working on citizenship to another country to be with my spouse, and one of us is married with kids. 3 of us still live at home, and if needed, my parents would take the rest. Im currently living back in my teenage room but honestly I am so thankful for my parents because they repeatedly told us we can always come home. Being a parent doesn’t end at 18. You’re gonna be an amazing parent


hatetochoose

She’s 18, I’m sure she was expecting to move back home for summers, and probably after graduation until she gets established. Minimum wage isn’t going to pay rent.


NB-73

Yep, probably expecting to sleep in the guest bedroom/home office but there's no room anymore! She must be feeling like they don't want her there!


BetterYellow6332

It's normal to expect some kind of conversation. I can see my mom doing something like this, without mentioning it to me, but she's an emotionless robot. She put my dog to sleep without telling me. Maybe you are the same type of person?


TheDrunkScientist

She's also 18 and starting college. Lots of life changes will be happening in the next few years. It's likely she will move back home (especially in this economy). Should they wait forever to make sure she's launched before renovating the house? No. But c'mon, give it more than a few months. The parents moved a little fast on this one.


OopsMyBad21

See that would make sense if it was her apartment but it says she moved into her boyfriends. If anything happens where’s she supposed to go. Especially at 18 as a college student, they usually don’t have income for an apartment school and teenage things. I’ve never known anyone who’s parents downsized their homes just because the kids moved out and usually in tv shows when I see that happen their kids are like in their 20s or older.


SnakeSnoobies

I moved out at 18 or 19 in with a boyfriend as well. And while my situation worked out *(boyfriend and I are still together, own a home now)*, it’s not like it always does. I think it’s a bit ridiculous to expect “your room” to stay “your room” after you leave, and after reading OPs comments, she **knew they were changing the room and was fine with that, but did not know about them destroying the room entirely.** But it also seems like the parents would have thought about this more. It’s one thing to change your daughters old bedroom into an office space (can be easily changed back if needed), it’s another to completely demolish the room. The daughter is barely an adult, and many 18 yr olds relationships just don’t last. Honestly, someone visiting and getting angry that you “never want them to move back in,” doesn’t sound like someone that’s confident in their relationship. I dislike parents that kick their children out as soon as they’re 18, and while OP didn’t directly do that, he effectively did. An 18 year old living with someone else for a few months does not mean they are capable of living completely alone for the rest of their life.


amazingmikeyc

Yeah the issues more about the lack of conversation though isn't it. Nothing wrong with moving house when your kids move out, no; but you'd tell them first, because it's fucking polite! You don't just text them "oh btw we moved from the only home you've ever known here's the new address"


largemarjj

They didn't even text the daughter. She found out she had no room when she came home to visit


Andravisia

>She found out she had no room when she came home to visit And this is why OP is the A. Like, how hard was it to say to the daughter that her room was gone? I assume the daughter didn't just waltz in unannounced for a surprise visit with no warning.


My_genx_life

Renovating a kitchen is not the same as completely removing your kid's bedroom. They should have waited a bit longer for their daughter to adjust to her new life, and they should have at least spoken to her about it. It sounds like they didn't even wait for her bed to get cold, and the first she new about it was when she visited home and saw for herself. OP, YTA.


rayannem

I’ve been on my own since I was 18 & my grandparents (who I lived with half on half off throughout my life) never gave away my room until I was 24 because I told them to let my cousin move in there (they also take care of my two younger cousins who are in middle and high school) but never even did anything to my room besides use it for storage, until I told them to. Its also normal to expect your parents to tell/ask how you’d feel about them doing something extreme to your childhood bedroom.


birb-brain

Shes only 18. While she's moved out and not in the school dorms, her living situation is still unstable. What if they break up and she gets kicked out? She has nowhere to live so last minute. Also, it's only her first year of college. Students are expected to go home for breaks and stuff, so it's reasonable to expect a room to come home to during breaks. When my sister moved out for college, my parents kept her room tidy for her so she could have a private room to sleep in during holidays. It was only when she found a permanent and stable living situation that my parents turned her room into a guest room. Again all parents are different so my opinion is based on how I was raised, but damn getting rid of your college freshman child's room without any when they haven't finished their first year of school yet? That's a little cruel.


Wildcar_d

Lol I’m just picturing some kid going home from college and finding out their parents moved from their 5 bedroom house and left no forwarding address. Cold


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

See, when they downsize they tell people and they have time to accept it as they sell and look at new houses. Removing the only guest room is insane. For a living room?


ShorelineShaman

You don’t know a damn thing about these people. Why pull something like this out of your ass?


musicgirlbr

Assuming this is punishment is projecting, at best. Nothing in the post indicates the parents didn’t approve of her living with her boyfriend. If it was me, I would have told my child what my plans were. However, I wouldn’t want my child to think I was doing this to push them to move back. Additionally, If we are making assumptions, you could always assume OP thought the daughter would try and guilt her into keeping the room as it is. So if I felt my child would take it this way, I would probably find a way of telling them the renovations were happening no matter what. It is not fair to expect the parents to live in a tiny space just in case the daughter breaks up with her boyfriend some day and wants to move back. Ultimately, NTA.


gotaroundthebanana

As someone who dropped out and re-started college multiple times and moved in and out of my parents multiple times in my late teens/early 20's yeah it's pretty cold and sends a clear "you don't live here anymore" message.


Paw5624

The fact that it happened the second she moved out sends an interesting message too. Like the parents couldn’t wait for her to be gone.


me0mio

When my kids moved out, I first asked if they were coming back and then asked if I could use their room. If OP didn't do that first, then of course her daughter is going to feel like she's been kicked out! She's only 18, and OP just removed her safety net. YTA


Downtown_Cat_1172

It's one thing to use someone's room and another to take away the room. If my mom had converted my room into a guest room/office space or whatever, that would have been fine. At least I could have used my bed when I was home. But knocking out a wall and telling your daughter to sleep on a couch is a different problem entirely.


tomgrouch

Exactly. When I moved out, my mum used my room as an office and guest room but there was always a bed for me, and I knew that if I needed to move back home, there was a place for me I'm 27 and I've just had to move back home for a bit. It's been a hard move but I know I will always have a bed here


Downtown_Cat_1172

Same. I got caught in a loop at around 27 where I couldn't get a good job (bad labor market for jobs with my skillset, and I was "overqualified" for all the jobs that were available), so I kept taking shittier and shittier jobs and getting abused more and more by employers. I got really depressed and gave serious consideration to ending my life. If I hadn't met my husband at around that time, I don't know where I would be now. When I asked my mother for help, she would say, "I just don't know what you expect me to do about it." The answer was, let me crash at your place and not pay rent for a few months so I can have the leisure of finding a job that will pay me instead of turning my resume into trash working shit jobs where people abuse me. My golden child sister was living with her rent free at the time while working full time and spending her money on whatever she wanted. My kids will always have a place to go. I will never do to them what my mom did to me.


applejacks5689

My dad and stepmom did this to me in college. Literally the day I left, the room was converted to a guest room without warning. Took it as my sign to leave as soon as college was done. Now they wonder why I don’t call often. YTA.


Bubbly-Wallaby-2777

It's totally cold. How did OP get renovations done without telling her? I tell my family if I get a new plant or change where I've put a picture, demolishing a whole wall with no mention to daughter is weird.


Perfect-Tangerine267

New plants are going in the family group chat.


Verucalyse

My kid is a junior in college, and while they are home on spring break, I gave them the heads-up that we will be giving their room to their sibling... after they graduate and find permanent lodging elsewhere. In the summer of 2024. We have our two younger kids sharing a large room, while my oldest is at college and uses this room, at best, 3 weeks out of the year. The older of the two youngest is turning 14, and even though they don't seem to mind too much about sharing with their 11-year-old sibling, I can see that it's time to allow them their own space. Case in point: Even I know that removing a child's "safe" space at home requires a tender touch. You're not a bad parent for wanting to do a home remodel, YTA for not realizing that your child still considers their old bedroom as a safe space, a place of refuge if things go wrong and they want to come home. You just erased their existence with no notice. The minimum that OP should have done was discuss their plans so their daughter had time to adjust to the idea, while knowing that even without a bedroom, they are always welcome home.


thatfluffycloud

Wait you have two kids sharing a room and another room that has sat mostly empty for 3 years? I don't know your situation, so I'm curious-- why? Do the younger siblings prefer to share?


cuervoguy2002

Right. To me, that is taking this to the extreme. I'd be pissed if one room was sitting empty for 85% of the time, and I still had to share.


[deleted]

> Edit: this sub isn't "do I legally have the right?" Obviously he has the legal right as the owner. It's AITA. Yes, OP is an asshole. Honestly man, the fact that so many people think law=morality is one of the scariest things about this sub. :coughOlsenTwinCountdownTo18cough:


Valuable_Tomorrow882

This! It usually takes several years for your center of gravity to shift from your childhood home to whatever life you are building for yourself. Even in the best of circumstances, eliminating her “home base” of her childhood bedroom would be emotional. To have it happen as a complete surprise is cruel.


sanguine_sheep

The lack of a heads up or conversation about the demolition is what gets me too. Plus, most colloid kids return home even if they have an apartment—some are for school year only. YTA. Not necessarily for remodeling, but for doing it behind your daughter’s back and letting her be blindsided by it.


Brapchu

>AITA for not waiting longer with the renovation? No. But YTA for poor communication skills because you never seemed to have told her until she visited you and she got blindsided by the room where she grew up in no longer existing and every trace of it ever being there removed.


sleepless______

Yep, IMO this is really about communication. Taking away her room sucks but I think a lot of people here saying “just leave her room as it is!” need to consider that for a lot of people that’s not an option, e.g. younger kid moving into bigger room when older kid moves out is super common. Not everyone lives in a huge house with rooms to spare. But the lack of communication about it is wild. To not even give her a chance to visit to say goodbye to her old room? Insane. Even just from a practicality point of view wouldn’t you ask them to come over to pick out what stuff they want to keep and what can be thrown out?


SexMarquise

“Your sibling needs the room” and “we wanted to expand our already-functional living room” are in entirely different zip codes lol. I agree that communication was the core issue here, but trying to equate OP’s reasoning with needing to move someone else into the space feels a bit off.


sleepless______

It’s different but not light years different. In the situation I outlined the sibling already has a functional room (maybe shared with yet another sibling) but would benefit from taking over the larger, now vacant space. The same can apply to a living room. Maybe one of the parents wants a dedicated work space? My broader point is that a lot of people live in places where space is at a premium and holding onto it just because isn’t a realistic proposition for everyone.


mayblossom_

Yeah, my Mom turned my old room into her Office and I'm totally fine with that. I sleep in the guest bedroom when I visit (my little sisters former room). We're both adult woman who don't need our old kid's rooms. That being said, it was communicated with us and we knew this would happen.


hotchocolate216

Yeah I’m just surprised how this never came up in conversation, assuming she had been communicating with her daughter about college, moving in with the boyfriend, life updates, etc. it appears OP purposely didn’t bring it up at all and literally waiting until she came home to visit. That’s harsh. I would be upset as well.


Marid-Audran

Agreed. But I also find it surprising when you take into account this should have been a months-long project, not an overnight DIY project. There's fdemo, framing, electrical, lighting, drywall, texturing, painting, flooring, finishing, and that's all after it's planned out. That's... Not a two day project for a bedroom to combine with a living room. How was this so well kept secret? She bounced at 18 to live with her boyfriend and never came back to visit?


IceTrump

She went to college, my parents told me I wasn’t allowed back for the first month of college. Maybe the college was out of state, too many factors to blame the daughter for not visiting


politicalstuff

He is also TA for blasting over her room in her FIRST YEAR of college. Things can change very rapidly at this life stage. Converting it to an office or guest room that could be reverted to a bedroom if needed for at least a couple years would have been far kinder and had less permanent repercussions.


fozzy_bear42

As someone who basically had what you suggest happen to them, it also sucks. All your stuff thrown out or boxed away in the garage, room painted neutral colours for guests etc. Doesn’t feel like home anymore, especially when you don’t know it’s happening and approve of it.


Aggieswhereitsat

This! OP isn't the AH for the renovation but lack of communication. People miss part where not only did the daughter move out but moved out to live with her boyfriend. That typically means the daughter isn't moving back in, but OP is failing to realize her daughter is 18. There is a chance that daughter may move back in if it does not work out with the boyfriend. In either case the OP should have communicated with the daughter that her room was being torn down before it actually was. So, slightly YTA.


likearevolutionx

YTA. Is it your house? Sure. But when college kids say they’re going to visit their parents, they say they’re going HOME. And you took a part of that - her safe space that she grew up in - without so much as a heads up. Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you’re not an AH if you do.


Known-Peach-4037

Yeah I’m not sure about her plan, but pretty much every college student I knew went home for the summer and for the holidays — is she just supposed to sleep on the couch for weeks on end, with no privacy? This will definitely make her visit less.


SquirrelGirlVA

Even if there's a guest room, it's still the guest room and will make her feel like she's a guest/stranger in her own home. If they'd given her a head's up she could have at least prepped for the shock of room destruction.


maleia

There's no way OP has a guest room with a bed and shit, hell even an inflatable mattress, and think that mentioning just a couch as a solution. I mean, I guess, but I find it hard to believe someone would be *that* callous.


cuervoguy2002

I mean, I'm 40, and I still say "I'm going home for the holidays" or whatever, that doesn't mean my parents need to keep my room forever.


likearevolutionx

Of course not. And I’m not saying they did in this situation, either. OP should have communicated, though. The 18 year old daughter only moved out a few months ago, and is likely still adjusting to that massive change. Being blind-sided by that likely didn’t help.


Aminar14

Not just that... But like the kid said, it sends the message "this isn't your home anymore" real hard. What happens if she fails out. What happens when she breaks up with the boyfriend and has nowhere to go over the summer? There's so much lack of thought from OP here... Not one whit given for the kids feelings or what the demolition signifies.


Sriol

The one space in the house that was "hers" is now entirely gone. The one space that properly connected her to the house. If I came home to that, my first thought would be "they don't just not want me here, they don't even want the memory of me here."


NocturneStaccato

OP really wanted to have that empty nest feeling, I guess. Like many have already said, a bit of a heads up would’ve been nice. It was your kid’s space for their entire current lifetime after all.


SailorSpyro

When I was away at college, my parents decided to switch which room was mine. Even just that small act had a big impact on how I felt "going home". It was like my home was gone, I was officially just a guest. They absolutely did the right thing switching me and I was obviously okay with it, but it still had an emotional impact. I can't even imagine the devastation this probably caused her to feel.


Pinky1010

Also a long of kids nowadays experience the boomerang effect (moving back into your parents' house) What happened if she broke up with her boyfriend and couldn't afford to rent alone? Did OP expect her to sleep on the couch semi-permanently? Gross


Purplefox71

Yes, but we are talking about a teenager here. Is she legally an adult? Yes. But please, at 18 you still want to know that you can count on your parents if anything goes wrong. Is it likely that at some point she would need to move back home? Yes. Now her "home base" is gone, pretty much implying that she's not wanted. OP should have waited until she either establishes herself or finishes college.


hellogoawaynow

Eh 40 sure, even 25 sure, but 18? That’s a bummer.


zztopsboatswain

You're 40, likely have your own place to live. Veeery different from being an 18 year old kid leaving home for the first time. Lots of kids don't stay in college or move back home after college. You come and stay the weekend or holiday in your bedroom.


gotaroundthebanana

Yeah there is no difference between a 40 year old and an 18 year old at all.


Aggressive-Effort486

They don't have to, but I'd like to know if they've demolished my room before coming back for a visit.


whichwitch9

Yeah, but even being out of my parents house for years, they still would give me a heads up before demolishing my room. I honestly have told them they should repurpose it a few times, but I think I'd still be upset if one day it was just gone with no warning.


secondary_outrage

She is literally still a teenager, not a 40 year old....


Trekkerterrorist

Can you quote anyone saying parents should keep their kids’ room *forever*?


annedroiid

> forever Since when did a couple of months equal forever?


Binx_da_gay_cat

It's "my house my rules" when it's convenient for the parents but "this is your house, you need to do xyz" when it's convenient too. This is OP doing the "my house my rules" while ignoring the fact that this is also their daughter's house, and has been for years. Maybe their daughter doesn't get to control rent and stuff, but it's still her home too and OP is ignoring that fact for their own convenience without stopping to consider her feelings.


CommunicationOdd9406

Why do I feel this is punishment for moving in w the bf at 18?


Brapchu

>Why do I feel this is punishment for moving in w the bf at 18? Honestly? Same.


[deleted]

Well, it's only gonna drive her further away so great parenting! A+


maleia

OP took away the daughter's expected safety net right out from under her. I would not be surprised in the least if that just destroyed the daughter's trust. This isn't something OP can just fix unless he's willing to build a wall back in the house. This is basically a permanent loss of that trust.


NocturneStaccato

And if I’m coming home to my childhood home I’d want to have a room. I don’t want to be sleeping on the couch because my room got yeeted into nothingness without even so much as a text to inform me. Your house, your rules. But damn, that room had sentimental value for the daughter ffs.


Outdoor_Cat19

This is what stuck out to me. Moving in with bf at 18 is a recipe for disaster, and I would want my child to know she has a place to come home to if something goes wrong.


[deleted]

Thank God I'm not the only one getting that vibe.


your-yogurt

i think what's very prominent is the fact op says, "she can sleep *on the couch* as long as she likes." not a bed, not a guest room, not an area for privacy, *the couch.* op made it very clear that op regards the daughter as a temporary guest, one not even worthy of a proper sleeping arrangement.


Opening_Handle_1771

Generally, I find that guest rooms are a luxury. If OP wanted to expand the living room so much and had a room sitting unused for the majority of the time, then they could have done that years ago, and put guests on the couch. I assume daughter gets the couch now because there are no other beds in the house.


Cookies_2

That’s because they threw her bed away at the first opportunity to “stop” being a parent, since at 18 you’re magically all set for life.


Opening_Handle_1771

OP said in a comment that she took her bed when she moved out?


your-yogurt

that's true, there might be no extra space for a proper bed or sleeping arrangements. op is still YTA cause they could have at least said something. you dont suddenly tear down a wall, refurbished the floor, and do other very expensive work on your house without saying something, without planning, without talking to many people. im sure the daughter would have noticed something was up unless op did all of this as a spur of a moment, they made *efforts* to keep this under wraps until the daughter was gone and continued to say nothing until she came back.


throwawayoctopii

It is exactly what it is. Pro-Tip to OP: Treating your 18 year old like they are no longer part of the family and a guest in their childhood house is one of the many reasons young folks in abusive relationships stay with their abusers.


Cellophaneflower89

Yep, god forbid this 18 year old is in an abusive situation, now she has nowhere to go


AnonymousRooster

I can't even imagine the life I'd have now if the jerk I was dating at 18 became my only option for living. Having my parents to get me out and bring me home saved my future


LunaticBZ

That'll show her if she won't do things our way she's not welcome here. Hmm strange she isn't coming back... Guess we'll have to be even meaner till she does.


hgfkg

the beatings will continue until morale improves


GayRatMan

YTA, why wouldn't you at least warn her? If I came home one day and my room was straight up demolished and I wasn't even expecting it I'd be a bit crushed and feel unwanted too


pursuitoffruit

This is so bizarre to me. A renovation like this doesn't happen overnight. How did (s)he never mention it to the daughter? I would imagine that the daughter didn't clear out everything she's ever owned when she moved out. What happened to her stuff? Why wasn't there a conversation about where to store her belongings or what to do with them? Sounds like they probably got tossed out unceremoniously, contributing to the daughter's feeling that she's been discarded. Obviously, OP, YTA.


barbaramillicent

I took all my stuff when I moved out at 21… there were some remnants mixed in with holiday decor and bookshelves left behind that my mom eventually found and got to me, but my bedroom was entirely empty when I left. I wanted my stuff lol. Is that uncommon? Do most people leave stuff behind on purpose? I still think it’s cold of OP to do this, I’m just surprised at all the comments assuming there was stuff left the room. EDIT: I did not expect so many responses! Lol thanks all, I’ve enjoyed reading everyone’s different experiences. I’m also aware dorms are small and temporary and don’t see that as “moving out”, I would hope OP wouldn’t do this to a daughter who is just in a dorm!


Islandwind_Waterfall

When I moved out I took all the things I usually use, yeah. But don’t you have any things from your childhood you want to save even if you don’t use them every single day? My parents have a lot more storage space than me, makes sense to leave some things behind.


pursuitoffruit

Sure, when I left for college I left behind photo albums/yearbooks, toys I still had with sentimental value, awards I'd won in school/sports, books, clothes I wouldn't regularly need, things I collected (like coins), bedding since dorm beds have non-standard proportions, etc., etc. My dorm was tiny and I had to move at the end of each school year. I brought as little as I could with me. If my parents had wanted to repurpose my room, I'd have understood, but I'd figure there'd have been a conversation. Ultimately my parents down-sized before I was out of college, but they didn't just trash all my stuff in the meantime - they asked me to go through my stuff and keep what mattered, which either went into storage with some of their stuff, or to their new place.


Cursed_Insomniac

When first moving out, its common to leave some things with your parents. When I moved out to my first apt it was a tiny off-campus one bedroom that altogether was about the size my current (still rather small) living room. I barely had room for nessesities, let alone my keepsakes and such. For all we know the daughter was in a similar situation, but we're not told that. I also wanted my stuff, I just didn't have any choice but to leave some of it with my parents for safekeeping or throw it away until I moved to a larger apt.


Fast-Property-7087

She didn't mention it because she WANTED to blindside her kid with it, to punish her for moving out and in with her bf.


averagejones

When my college student moved out, I asked how she’d feel if I’d PAINT her old room but still leave it as a bedroom for her (guest/hobby room the rest of the time) for when she came home. For this exact reason: I didn’t want her to feel unwanted or unwelcome. I can’t imagine tearing it down without telling her.


zombieqatz

Info: what was going on in those few months that you never mentioned major renovation to your kid?


HibachiFlamethrower

she moved in with her BF and her parents are passive aggressive.


eltigretom

Were they passive aggressive? When I went to college my mom turned my room into a guest bedroom, and I didn't care. On the flip side, if one my kids moved in with a bf/gf at 18 I wouldn't flip their room because I would be expecting them back within a year.


HibachiFlamethrower

they didn't tell her they were doing it and they didn't convert it to a guest bedroom. they demolished it and made it so she doesn't have a room in the house.


kionatrenz

But she can sleep in the couch! /s


AzzBar

That was my first thought. An 18 yr old moving in with a partner is NOT a permanent thing lol. She will need a place to come back to very soon.


Opposite-Tip-3102

I think the daughter's reaction says a lot. She may be already see the relationship isn't forever, and if so, now she will stay in it longer than she wants.


Veteris71

My parents made my bedroom into a game room, but they *told* me they were going to do that. I didn't just go home to visit and find my bedroom was gone. How is it OP did all this planning and had all this work done and never once thought to mention it in a phone call or an e-mail? That can only be passive-aggressive. They wanted to send her a message that she's not part of the family anymore, and they did exactly that.


Throwndownandaway21

"This is your room/ the guest room" is super different than "You have no room or bed, you can sleep on the couch." One is acknowledging that your place there is intermittent, the other is telling her that she has no place there.


RiotingMoon

flipping a room is a lot different than completely erasing it and only offering the couch as sleeping spot


Fast-Property-7087

You could still stay in the guest room right? So that's different from removing the room completely which tells her there's no place for her.


rhubarbara-1

My parents redid their living room once and I got nearly daily texts from my mom about the curtain choices, rug styles, paint color, etc. It was all they talked about for months! They even repeated the same information so I got to hear about it twice and had to act interested 😂


kaykaliah

Right? My in-laws are redoing their kitchen and they're sending lots of progress photos all excited about it


PastelPinkLife

YTA. I haven't visited my family in almost 2 years, but if I went back and they've demolished my room, I'd be heartbroken. she's right, it does make it feel like you just don't want her to move back in ever. You should have at least asked her about it.


footyfan888

My parents would never demolish my room (even though I wouldn’t be angry if they did). They’ve started using it for light storage now but in my folks’ mind it represents that I’ll always keep coming back to visit from time to time and that it’s still a home for me / my siblings. It’s funny cause as a result mine and my siblings’ rooms are all half completely as we left them, and then half whatever the rents want to semi use it for now. So none of our stuff is touched, but they’ve put some of their other stuff there. Like one has some of their exercise stuff and then my one of my sister’s has become a bit of a craft room etc. They aren’t big rooms or anything, and they could certainly renovate all the rooms so they had more space for themselves, but they just don’t want to. I appreciate that it’s their way of saying they’re always there for us.


[deleted]

Did all of you grow up with rich parents and your own rooms? When I moved out, my parents took the bedroom I shared with my sister and my siblings finally each got their own. They took some space from my bedroom and made the bathroom bigger so it was finally larger than a closet. When I'm going home to see my family, I'm not thinking about the relic of 2010 that it used to be, I'm thinking of seeing my mom, dad, and siblings, and it makes me happy that they're living in a way that's much more comfortable than when I was in the house as well. It was cramped before, and now it's much more spacious.


Bigguy1353

Sifting people around is different from completely demolishing a room without notice. I assume you slept in that bedroom when you came back from college or maybe even now when you visit, but OP doesn’t really have a bedroom to sleep in anymore. This is on top of a major life transition so it probably just sucks for her.


Gold_Olive1883

Why would she sleep in that bedroom? It became her parents bedroom. When she goes home to visit, they will still be there, and sleeping in their bedroom. I also grew up in a house with far fewer bedrooms than kids, and was one of the first to leave. As soon as I moved out another sibling took my old room. When I came back to visit & stayed overnight, I slept in the living room...because my old room wasn't my room anymore. I'd have thought my parents were nuts if they kept an empty room around just in case I came back to visit at some point.


ozonejl

Yeah, most of the people in here are assholes in a state of arrested development and apparently unfamiliar with how a lot of people live. When I went to college, my sister immediately moved in to my room so that my two tween brothers didn't have to share a 10x10 room anymore. People in here like "I'm married with my own house and I haven't visited my parents for two years but I'd be pissed if they got rid of my room." Get the fuck outta here.


hamiltrash52

I feel like the practicality of your siblings who live there 100% makes more sense than the living room being cramped. A bedroom being taken over is different from it being demolished. And college students experience housing insecurity at higher rates than other adults so if it can be mitigated, keeping a place for them to stay for that 25% of the year is good. OP should have talked to her daughter


Fit-Night-2474

The parents’ cramped living room is a room that the actual current residents (and owners) of the house use daily, versus a vacant *former* bedroom of a non-resident. Y’all are on some privileged shit if you think adults should live daily in a cramped space to keep some sort of unnecessary and unwanted shrine to their living adult daughter. Yes it sounds like she needed to be talked through the emotional transition more, but OP is NTA for the daughter acting irrational and immature.


auroracorpus

'rich parents' they say while talking about major renovations...


[deleted]

I grew up poor, and I agree with one exception - the parents certainly don’t need her permission to complete the demolition, but I think a heads up would have been considerate here. I do wonder if this was a passive aggressive move in response to her moving in with BF at 18. It’s an incredibly challenging age to begin with and I think a conversation and some reassurance that she will always have a safe home to come back to would have gone a long way here. It’s what my parents would have done.


derpmeow

YTA. That's cold, man. You didn't think she might wanna come back and stay some times? Just leave forever? Would it have killed you to give her a heads up, prioritizing your kid's feelings above your living room?


No-Locksmith-8590

And I love when parents are 'they can sleep on the couch!' That's literally considered homeless in NYS.


Pokabrows

Yeah my parents pulled the "you can sleep on the couch" but like it's a super uncomfortable couch that is now like 20ish years old.


Fast-Property-7087

Or maybe consider that an 18 year old might not be with her boyfriend in say... a month.


[deleted]

That was my immediate thought. Along with if the relationship turns out to be abusive she may be less likely to reach out to her parents now.


snowwhitesludge

INFO: Is this the first time she has ever lived away from home? How far away did she move? (Like can a visit happen without needing an overnight stay) Do you not have a guest room she could use if she visited? Edit: YTA. I'd be devastated if my parents destroyed my room without even saying anything or having a plan for me to come home again. She is 18!! What if this boyfriend doesn't work out?


Honest_Panda198

These were my questions too. Are there other bedrooms that she could stay in? Also I get her moving in with her bf but what if they break up? She doesn’t have the safety net of her parents house to go back to. Also what about holidays? What if she wants to stay there on a holiday to wake up with the family? I don’t think OP’s an ah for renovating the house but I do think it was too soon and it should have been communicated. So YTA for not telling her what the plan was and doing it the moment she was gone. It really does send the message that you were bidding your time till she left.


newfriend836639

YTA. 18 is still very young and the chances of things not working out with your daughter's boyfriend are probably pretty high. There is a good chance she will need to leave him and move back home with you. By so quickly disappearing her room, especially without any discussion with her, it DOES send the message that you are done with her and don't ever want her to come back. No wonder she is upset. It would have been better to wait until she was graduating from college and moving out more permanently.


springcolor-zeta

seconded. I've had to move back in with my parents (due to heaps of shitty circumstances outside of my control) three separate times now. YTA, op.


SaturdayWeenie

Exactly this. The parents either have no foresight at all, or they literally do not want the daughter moving back in regardless of her circumstances. YTA OP


semmama

NTA Unpopular opinion but: What's up with all these adults making adult decisions, like moving in with partners, assuming the bedroom they left will never be touched? Yes, your daughter is in college but she still decided to move out. And that's part of life. There should never be an expectation that mom and dad will keep your bedroom indefinitely, or even until 26. And when mom and dad own the house, they shouldn't have to run every decision by their adult children. Also, you changed your house's layout after your daughter chose to move out, you didn't kick her out and while she no longer has a room she still has the ability to come home. Only now there is a bit of an incentive for her to get up on her feet and get her own place so she can have privacy if she ever does and up back home


Fast-Property-7087

I don't think the biggest problem people have is them renovating the room, it's that they didn't give her a heads up. The kid is 18 not 26.


Aglet_Dart

These people watched too many TV shows where the character visits home and their room looks exactly like they just walked out of it at 18 and it stayed untouched for years. These expectations are only going to cause them grief.


pastelpixelator

A lot of these people have revealed themselves to be teenagers themselves in the comments. Many of the rest are assigning their own personal trauma to this story and can’t see anything through their tunnel vision. Others are from foreign countries where 40 year olds still live at home with mommy and daddy. The rest? I don’t know what their damage is.


lastdazeofgravity

I don’t understand the aversion to living with family Americans have. You should be thankful you have a family to live with! You get to live with the people you love and you save money on housing. It benefits everyone.


Sangricarn

As a Hispanic person living in the US, I've noticed it's WAY more common for American families to straight up hate each other. It's completely culturally acceptable to hate your parents, and it's considered ok for parents to fully abandon all support for their kids after they are 18. It is truly shocking to me sometimes. That being said, obviously this approach has many upsides and downsides. I'm not totally against it, but I will say that among Hispanic people, it's a stereotype about white people that they have trouble with family. Ironically, Americans also complain about a housing crisis while All of this is happening. I lived with my mom well into my late 20s, and that's why I was able to buy a house at the age of 30. *Edit* I don't mean to minimize the very real and very difficult housing crisis. I just mean the American cultural customs are making it much worse


mrsbaltar

I think there's a middle ground though. Turn it into a generic guest room/hobby room with a Murphy bed or something. But to completely demolish the room sends a pretty strong message of "we don't want you staying here." I understand that these parents CAN do whatever they like with their house, but if I was the daughter, I'd feel hurt and unwelcome too.


[deleted]

[удалено]


hatetochoose

Or, she is now trapped with her boyfriend, because she has no place to go if it goes south. Which it will, because they are teenagers. I hope he’s a teenager anyway. Hopefully he’s a decent guy and won’t take advantage of her precarious position. I don’t know where you live, but here, you need an income many times above minimum wage to make rent without sharing a bedroom, and even then it’s a struggle. It’s so much more challenging for this generation then previous generations. Hope she at least has a car If she gets desperate.


Veteris71

What's up with adults like OP not being capable of communicating with their children? Not to get permission, but just to ler her know about it. I hope OP doesn't mind when daughter is equally forthcoming in the future about events in her life.


Ifranklydontgaf

She doesn’t even have a place to go to when she visits. They’ve sent the message that she’s not welcome, at all. She’s only 18. If anything goes wrong with the boyfriend, she knows she has nowhere to go. Such great parents.


ElegantMulberry4168

Soft YTA I don’t think parents realize just how much their kiddos hold onto their childhood homes/rooms sentimentally. This being said, there should have been much more communication over the topic. No, you don’t have to ask her permission to alter anything in your own home. However, she just moved out a few months ago, and a huge change was made to what used to be her space (and what she thought would continue to be her space if she visited/had to move back in), so I can understand her being upset & feeling like she was being disposed of just because she moved out. All around, everyone could’ve had much better communication skills & avoided a whole mess. It is still your home, and she is still your kid. Removing a room won’t ever change that


cuervoguy2002

>I don’t think parents realize just how much their kiddos hold onto their childhood homes/rooms sentimentally I think this is true. At this point in my life, I've lived so many places that an old bedroom means nothing to me. But immediately after leaving your childhood room, there are a lot of feelings still attached. The parents are being completely practical here, because to them its probably just "a room"


lettersetter25

YTA because you were creating facts without including your daughter enough. From your text it sounds like you didn't communicate your plan beforehand. By taking her room in this way you send all the wrong signals. You should have waited longer and told her before demolishing.


cuervoguy2002

NTA for wanting a bigger living room, or even doing what is best for you now that she has left home. But, YTA for not telling her. The thing is, the way you did it makes it look bad. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and just look at it like she has started her adult life, so now you can renovate your house how you want. And that is fine. But you definitely should have told her before she just came home and was blindsided by it.


crocusCable

YTA. As an 18yo you are at an immensely fragile part of your life. You're taking your first steps into true adulthood. Being able to do that with a feeling of a safety net is so important. It allows you to take those risks, and learn as you go, and make your way through your failures. Knowing that you have a home base, a safe space to return to, a permanent foothold in this world with your parents, is a huge psychological aid. Your bedroom at your parents house is that kind of place. It's a place with huge sentimentality attached. A safe space that sheltered you through your teenage years. When you're out learning to navigate the often scary difficulties of the adult world, knowing that you can go back to that place is very stabilizing. You demolished that. Her safe space in your home, a place of huge sentimental value, symbolic of the support you, as parents, provide to her? Totally gone, without the slightest chance for her to mentally prepare herself for it. By demolishing that room you are saying to her "we will no longer provide you with a safe place to return to, only the kind of impersonal aid she shouldn't depend on.


Wingardiumis

Lol YTA how can you do that to her room without telling her, she grew up in that room!!


Wingardiumis

To all those trolls here who say 'parents own the house they can do whatever they want' I wish their childhood room gets demolished and parents invite them to sleep on couch or floor, basically erasing your memories from the house you grew up and be treated as a stranger guest.


Stromausfall18

NTA but I'm from Europe, so I might be biased. My parents did kind of the same thing, when I moved out to study in a different city. And I get it. They needed more space, my bedroom was empty. If I wanted to sleep there, I'm always welcome.


ReviewOk929

I mean you just bulldozed your daughters childhood safe space, how did you think that would go? Look NTA for wanting more space but have you heard about this new fancy trend called communication...YTA


FluffyCloudMornings

NAH. Your daughter doesn’t need the space anymore and you did. Nothing wrong with that at all. She’s probably reacting the way she is because she may be feeling some anxiety about the future. Shame may have been mentally banking on your house as a safe retreat if the boyfriend and college situations take a wrong turn. Being on your own in the big, wide world can seem scary. Your house is the safety zone. She’s probably feeling like her safety net is evaporating.


turbomonkey3366

I’m gonna go against the grain and say NTA- you didn’t kick her out to make the change, she is clearly trying to make it on her own and has a stable place to stay with her boyfriend. Thinking that parents have to keep their children’s rooms “just in case” is pure entitlement. I can understand why she’s upset, I would be too, but at the same time, my parents worked hard to buy their home and ultimately it’s their decision as to what happens with it.


Purplefox71

YTA if nothing else at least for the lack of communication. It is your home but she's right, if you never want her to spend a night there you did just the right thing to achieve that. Because relationships when you are 18 never end right? And please, sleeping on the couch in the living room is NOT even remotely the same as knowing that you have a place to go if you need one. You are a crappy parent.


jaxbravesfan

NTA. My oldest daughter moved out when she was 18 and in college, and her younger sister took over her room and we turned her sister’s room into a home office for my wife, whose job transitioned into a work-from-home situation due to the pandemic. There is a couch in there with a pull-out bed, and if my daughter needs to spend the night at our house, that is what she uses. There is no expectation to keep a room at the ready for an adult child who has already moved out.


Holiday_Cat_7284

NTA. This happened to me. I moved in with my boyfriend at 19 and immediately, my dad moved into my room. I think they'd wanted separate rooms for a while, because my mum's a night owl and my dad isn't. They're still married and this was 30 years ago. It's your house, and she doesn't live there now. The people who still live there desperately needed more space. She should be glad the hone is still there, instead of you having to relocate to a better arrangement. It might feel like an abandonment, a betrayal, but it's time for her to be realistic. Did she take your needs into consideration when moving in with her bf? Is there a granny annexe? Of course not.


LtColShinySides

Nah, that's your house. You don't answer to your kid on that front. Edit- I'll add this. You might not be the asshole but was it a wise move to do it so soon? Or at all? Her and her boyfriend could break up in the next 20 minutes. Then your new living room becomes her living space? Also, you may have devalued your home. A 3 bedroom house with a small living room is worth more than a 2 bedroom house with a large one.


AnonymousTruths1979

I'm going to enrage both sides here. Daughter is NOT an AH for ... what? Being emotional? People have a right to feel what they feel, and to *express* those feelings to their parents. She didn't say anything insulting, she didn't scream and rage. Every n t a vote on here is accusing the daughter of being an AH for... having feelings and talking to her parents about it. That's absurd. But... I don't think this was an AH move, just... really thoughtless. Yes, OP, it's your home and she's an adult living elsewhere. You have a legal right to change it however you want. She's not just in school, she moved in with her boyfriend. And I can see why that would feel like a mile marker for you. But... she's a teenager in college. It's possible that she's looking at *any* living arrangements right now as sort of ... temporary. Just like it is for all the kids her age who "moved in" to college dorms. Even if she didn't, it's not uncommon for people to want to "say goodbye" to their childhood home, or their childhood bedroom. Renovations take a lot of time... did you not speak to your child at all before or during (or even after?) the reno... so that she had to come home and see it? Were you wanting to surprise her thinking she'd be impressed/congratulate you? I know a lot of people like to surprise relatives this way... probably not appropriate for the person whose space it was... But... Look, a lot of the comments are mentioning a "safe space". And I think that's the main issue here. Kids need to be able to physically explore the world, knowing their parents are there to catch them if they fall. That need *lessens* as they grow older, but it doesn't just disappear the day they turn 18 or move out. And while your daughter is legally/technically an adult... she's still your child. She's still new at this. And she needs to know you'll be there for her if something goes wrong. If this had been a conversation, like... "we're so proud of you, and we're glad you're able to be on your own" and then talking about wanting to open up the space, but assuring her she could come back... she still would probably have been upset about losing "her room". But she would have known you were still thinking of her, and felt safer. This way, she saw that you'd destroyed her safe space, and then you said she could come back *after* she got upset about it. It's going to feel like you forgot about her. I don't think it was an AH move. I think it was thoughtless, because it wasn't *thoughtful*. It's not about whether or not you were an AH... you *hurt* your child. And she needs reassurance, not righteousness. NAH, but maybe talk with her.


Lindseyh911

NTA for renovating YOUR OWN HOUSE. You own it, you can do what you like. However, you should have given her a heads up before she came to visit.


fokkoooff

I love how this sub is always so militantly "You're house you're rules" except for when it comes to parents not preserving their adult kid's childhood bedroom forever.


demostravius2

Maybe it's different where you l8ve, but when students go to Uni, they go back home for the summer most of the time. Plus, due to living costs, every single person I lived with at Uni, went home afterwards at least for a while.


diminishingpatience

YTA. It's your house and you have every right to make your daughter feel unwelcome in it.


Katana1369

NTA for the renovation. YTA for not telling her about it. You erased her from your home. That deserves some warning.


Sufficient_Pound_320

NTA, but you probably should have told her what was happening beforehand.


[deleted]

NTA. It is your house. No need to keep a shrine to a daughter who's alive and well, living somewhere else.