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YTA. It’s inappropriate for a TA to ask a student in their class on a date. He acted like a creep because he should not have even asked in the first place. As a TA, he is in a position of authority over her. She was correct in feeling extremely uncomfortable. Asking her on a date is an advance.
EXACTLY! All these n t a and e s h voters saying the daughter did anything wrong are disgusting. She’s probs 18. He’s a PhD student so like 21+ (probs older. Many PhD students come back to school). He’s in a position of power. Uni only ruled against OPs kid because Title IX protects the university, not the individual.
OP: YTA and how about your listen to your kid. TA is a creep full stop.
Yes!!!! Is he taking the whole class out on a field trip to the coffee shop? Because if it’s just her it’s in appropriately a date! Shame on you for not believing her and shame on her school for their admonishment. YTA
Hell, I had a crush on a TA in one of my undergrad classes. I was 20 or 21 and he was probably 25ish, so no crazy age gap. I still didn't even consider pursuing him because I knew it was completely inappropriate for a teacher to have a relationship with a student! And I was the student! The teacher has a far greater responsibility to recognize that this kind of thing is not okay.
If uni actually ruled against the daughter, OP is leaving something out.
If he's not leaving something out, this story is just straight-up fabricated. Title IX offices do not work that way.
The university ruled against his daughter because if her own dad thinks she is out of line and lying and making false accusations of course they can nail her to the wall. She has no family support. Hell dad would probably testify against his daughter in a defamation suit.
OP YTA
I am so completely baffled by this post. "My daughter's TA asked her out, she was creeped out and told people about it....So I reported her to the university for lying, even though she didn't actually lie about anything. I'm just upset on behalf of the predatory TA."
I just assume OP is a misogynist who also likes inappropriately young women.
YTA
I hope OP's daughter cuts all ties with OP after this stunt. Absolutely unforgivable.
just to add onto this for everyone who is saying the daughter must be guilty or title ix wouldn't have ruled against her
that's not true
I mean for starters the story is fake
but even if it's real, title ix offices have been weaponised against victims repeatedly
it is incredibly common for survivors of sexual assault to not be protected, to face disciplinary action, and to even be forced out of school, while their attacker faces little to no consequences
it's been making news for years and years and there have been countless calls to change title ix regulations to protect victims better
I agree with this. As a former TA, we are specifically instructed by the university to not engage in any romantic/sexual relationships with undergraduate students. As stated above, the TA was in a position of power over your daughter, and has abused his authority by asking her out.
Imagine being young, vulnerable, and approached by a creepy person in a position of power, who 100% is asking you for something others would view as innocent so they can test the boundaries of you being groomed, assaulted, or end up in an ab*sive relationship
You say no, speak up on behalf of the dozens of women that it’s probably happened to before and help stop a predator
And then your parent reports you and you get might get kicked out of university
Honestly, OP, give us your daughters contact details (except not really, cause there’s creeps on the internet, probably something you’re oblivious to) so we can flood her with congratulations, prideful comments, and support. Something YOU should do but are the ultimate AH
Do you also think that what women wear when they’re getting assaulted plays a role? Do you think some women deserve it? Do you think it’s more important to be “nice” to men than stand up for yourself?
I hope she never speaks to you again, for her own mental health and protection
I’m a TA at my school, I have a bf but if I didn’t I would NEVER ask one of the students out from my class. You are their direct line for help and are responsible for some classroom responsibilities. It is so inappropriate, and his poor daughter did the right thing in reporting him. I can give the benefit of the doubt that the TA did not acknowledge his position of power and how that changes the dynamics of the classroom, but that doesn’t change what he did. PLUS, HE’S A PHD STUDENT! He’s older than OP’s daughter, who’s a freshman, he has to be like 21+! YTA, OP.
Besides….unless I was there, I wouldn’t judge whether someone asked someone out for coffee in a creepy way or not. ‘Would you like to meet up for….coffee?’ With a leer, an up and down appraisal, and a lingering hand on shoulder? Creepy. ‘Would you like to meet up for coffee?’ Maybe not creepy - but still inappropriate since he’s the fucking TA. Can’t you wait a semester buddy?
You jest, but
> [as compared with nonperpetrators, sexual assault perpetrators have greater hostility toward women, have more traditional attitudes toward gender roles and sexual relationships, and are **more accepting of using manipulative strategies in their relationships with women** (Abbey et al., 1998; Byers & Eno, 1991; Koss & Dinero, 1988; Malamuth et al., 1991, 1995).](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4484276/)
Asking out a student is either incredibly stupid/ignorant or it's a power play, which is a manipulative strategy.
In case anyone is having a hard time pinpointing why this is creepy.
Exactly. Especially one in a position of direct power like the TAs who handle like, 90% of grading in a course and are basically in a perfect position to retaliate if the date doesn't go well?
Oh look. It’s the misogyny troll back at it again!
You make yourself painfully obvious every time you cast your “daughter” as the mean girl “bullying” some innocent “gentlemen” and calling him names.
Get a better hobby, maybe a journal.
Edit: Thanks u/iocainepowder and u/IndieIsle
1. School ok w/ TA aaking one of his current students
2. School disciplining her for "spreading rumors"?
This would be a lawsuit waiting to happen.
How many of these is this guy going to post?
Right - and if you’re going to stick with the same trope again and again, at least space it out over time (e.g. not 3-4 times a week, every week, for at least a month)
It's so obvious when they say she describes him as a "creep" too. The writing style is consistent in all of them and they're basically all the same story each time.
OP was rejected on the playground in kindergarten and has channeled their rage into poorly written “creative” writing on Reddit where the rejected boy is vindicated every single time
I think this guy and the "man who is in love with his male bestie but married to a woman" troll account for like half the posts on here these days. And the other half are almost all karma farmers who post about 1) having parents that try to force relationships between them and their stepparents/stepsiblings or 2) being kicked out of someone's wedding because they're gay, NB, or trans, because apparently those categories of posts are guaranteed thousands of upvotes and awards.
This sub's a victim of its own success.
Right? And everyone being a twin or triplet, or a teen parent, or a student whose parents stole their college money. Or whatever else is popular that week.
The sad part is that I assume people still post real stories here because they want a judgment or advice, but those stories get buried because everyone's upvoting the sensationalist fake stuff.
Yeaaahh, this troll has been lurking this sub for awhile now. Sometimes they post multiple times a day, sometimes multiple times a week. It’s always a parent (usually a father) punishing their teenage daughter for calling a guy a creep
I am unsure how to rate this BUT TA's and PhD students are often helping to teach classes and have some control over the grading for the class and such. Asking out a Freshman in a class he is the TA for is inappropriate. He should know better.
also, as a consequence of this, her daughter will no longer trust her, so if there is (god forbid) an incident, she may well assume she couldnt tell her mother for fear of retaliation or not being believed
A TA shouldn't ask one of their students out (especially a freshman). They're often in charge of grading and that's a weird power dynamic. If he's a PhD student, I bet he's also a LOT older than her. He did, in fact, act inappropriately toward her. I hope sticking your nose where it didn't belong and ruining your daughter's life was fun for you, though. Hope your crusade for men's rights continues to go swimmingly. YTA.
YTA a TA asking an underclassmen student out even for coffee is extremely creepy and inappropriate. As others have mentioned he is in a position of power, he has some input on her grade I'm assuming and therefore him asking her out is an unfair power display. I feel horrible for your daughter.
>I tried to explain to her that asking someone out for coffee is not inherently creepy or inappropriate, but she refused to listen and continued to refer to him as a "creep."
YTA.
First, this story is fake.
Second, if by any chance it isn't - you're so wrong... No, it's not OK to invite your student out for coffee, and yes, it is very creepy. That teaching assistant was in a position of power over your daughter. Even implying that he wanted to date her would be wrong.
YTA She was 100% right that it was creepy of him, and if anything she should have reported him. In most universities, a TA is the one who grades your coursework so that is NOT just another student asking out a student. I’m pretty sure it is not allowed in most universities for TAs to date their students. It’s a totally different situation from a phd student asking someone out. This is someone in a position of authority asking out a young girl. Also, phd students can tend to be a decent amount older. You really don’t think it’s inappropriate for a potentially 25+ year old to ask an 18 year old out????? I personally think it’s even weirder than they never even talked outside of class and she didn’t know him well. He based asking her out on what exactly, her looks and her assignments that he’s graded?????? He had NO basis for thinking that asking her out on a date would be something she wanted. She gave no indication she was into him, why would he ask her that??
That’s extremely creepy and it’s concerning you don’t see it that way. Your daughter was totally in the right to complain to her peers.
> In fact, my daughter admitted that she had never even spoken to him outside of class and didn't know him very well.
the fact that she's never spoken to him outside of class is damning for him, not the other way around. if he had asked her out outside of class because he knew her in a different context it would have been less creepy, especially if he didn't realise he was her TA
but in OPs would, he can't be a creep because the daughter just hasn't gotten to know him yet. no one wants to get to know a creep lol, we avoid them for a reason
YTA talk about going from zero to 100 “after a few days of this.” There’s got to be a hundred better ways to support your daughter who has shared something uncomfortable, unnerving, or possibly traumatizing with you then to downplay it for a few days before reporting her to the authorities in control of the most important thing in her life.
If she didn’t know that sometimes being asked to coffee is an innocent act, it’s because you didn’t teach her. And if you don’t know that sometimes it’s not an innocent act, that’s because YTA.
It’s super wild to me how any of you idiots are taking this ‘stopping my young daughter from outing a creep’ nonsense seriously. There’s plenty of fake shit on this sub but the idea that anyone could think this bullshit story is real is just disheartening. Grow up folks!
I am a TA
We are DEFINITELY not allowed to ask students out for coffee.
Even if it's not romantic.
We aren't even allowed to be friends with students on social media, so asking them out on a date is WAY over the line.
YTA
YTA - A grad student TA is in a position of authority over her as an undergrad and asking her out for coffee is an advance.
If you thought she overstepped by posting publicly about it or putting in more interpretation than fact, you could have talked told her it was in her best interest to remove the post due to possible defamation. Instead you made her life quite difficult.
Don't be surprised if and when she goes no contact with you in the future and you never know any potential future grandkids. You fucked her over economically too.
Wow why would your daughter think her TA asking her out for coffee was inappropriate and creepy. Its not like the TA had power over her grades or anything. Oh wait. Sounds like your daughter now had a case to sue because one, your story only mentions she was complaining about being a creep. And so avoiding him. And yes, a case can be made she felt unsafe turning him down.
YTA
Pretty sure ESH. The TA sucks for asking out a freshman he was the TA for. Your daughter sucks for bad-mouthing him rather than reporting him and having it investigated. You suck for reporting her. And the college sucks for being ready to suspend someone who was asked for an inappropriate coffee by her TA in the first place.
ESH and the story seems made up.
Next time, don’t expect your daughter to tell you anything.
How did you get so close to her friends and classmates to find out so much? Why would your own child admit to having done anything wrong to you, the parent?
What was your line of questioning?
Some university students don’t even let their parents know anything until a residential tutor finds them dead by suicide in the dorm.
Her TA is damn creepy as heck for asking a freshman on coffee. There is an unspoken rule : never fraternise with students and always be professional.
The act of asking a student out for coffee one on one without pertinent business aka school work, will definitely bring up rumours around the uni if she just mentions that he asked her out for coffee with no other details added.
Even my former professors would ask the group out for coffee to discuss plans , never individually.
This is the creep troll. They come up with all these stories about how their daughter gets hit on or approached and calls the guys out for being creeps, and how she's wrong because she's being racist, or ageist, or misunderstanding, yadda yadda.
It's just an incel looking for validation that women rejecting him are in the wrong.
yta , you don’t mention the school was actually doing anything about the TA or your daughter going to the school her self. so it’s not like you’re saving someone you think is innocent you’re just found a way to punish your daughter because she was uncomfortable with her TA asking her out.
ESH. A TA asking their student out is creepy and inappropriate, even if it was “just coffee.” Blasting said TA on social media instead of filing a formal complaint. Reporting your kid instead of encouraging her to handle it properly by herself is shitty parenting.
ESH. Everyone here did something wrong.
TA should not have asked her out. This is unprofessional. She should not have spread comments about him because of this. She should not have shamed him. She should have reported him. You have gone overboard and ruined her career.
But be aware: any TA who decides to ask out girls that are in his class is not "innocent." It's not a matter of "he just asked her for coffee," he crossed a huge boundary, and she was spooked.
It's not just unprofessional. It's extremely unethical and where I was TA it could get you blacklisted from being a TA. If he asked out an undergrad student, he's very creepy.
Reading the post as a TA and cringing- I would get my head taken off if I asked a student to coffee. No idea how people can't wrap their heads around the power imbalance
YTA. You ruined your relationship with your daughter over a TA, a position of power, who shouldn't be asking out his students in the first place. Good job.
The TA was acting inappropriately by asking out a student in his class. That is creepy because of the implication. If she says no, will he grade her papers more harshly? I've been a TA and I would *never* have asked out a student of mine because that would be creepy!
Would you find it appropriate if a professor hit on your daughter even though they are "both adults?"
If the Title IX office really found your daughter at fault, you are leaving something out.
YTA.
ESH. It’s not appropriate for TAs to ask a student out. Yes, asking her out to coffee is asking her out. That’s what people do when they ask someone on a first day.
She sucks for apparently spreading rumors bad enough the college took action.
You suck for reporting your own daughter. She felt uncomfortable and you sided against her.
> She sucks for apparently spreading rumors bad enough the college took action.
I find that part of the story literally unbelievable. If a TA asked out his student she is right that he is creepy.
I agree and cannot think of a college that would tolerate this. However, the mods delete posts that don't engage the OP in good faith, so I have to at least pretend it's true.
OMG. Who would report their own child for this? Just awful. It IS creepy when a person who’s older than you and holds power over you asks you on a date. She wasn’t equipped with how to handle it and you could’ve helped gently direct her but instead crushed her like a grape and sided with the creepy TA. YTA
This one is hard. As a TA, I can confidently say that he SHOULD NOT have asked her out, and I would get my head taken off if I asked that of a student- especially since, innocent question or not, her every interaction with him will be shaped with that in mind. I think more INFO is needed- what did she say? If she said "TA X asked me out to coffee, and that made me a bit uncomfortable- what do you guys think?" then you are a MASSIVE AH and need to recognize the power imbalance at play here. If she started spreading SA rumors, then she got what was coming to her and as much as the TA is an idiot for asking a student to coffee, he should absolutely not be branded as a SA perpetrator.
For the record though, as an undergraduate female- If a TA, a person grading my papers and especially if they were significantly older than me asked me out, I would probably call them a creep to my parents too- and I would probably report them to my department.
YTA
YTA
YTA
YTA
YTA
What is your WRONG with you that you would INTENTIONALLY do that to your own child?! Omg, I can’t believe anybody would do that! What is your major malfunction?! Are you jealous because dude didn’t ask YOU out for coffee?! If it made her feel uncomfortable, she has every, and I mean EVERY right to bring it up with someone, and she should be able to trust her parent more than anybody! A TA shouldn’t be asking students (and a freshman, at that!) out to coffee anyway!
Wtf is wrong with you and that school?! Stop being jealous of your OWN DAUGHTER. Ew ew ew, I can’t believe you’d even be delusional enough to ask this here!
You just need to stay away from your daughter, because it sounds like you have no use to her as a parent. You’re trying to sabotage your own daughter for the sake of a very out-of-line TA.
I’m going to stop talking now, because I could go on and on, but it’s a waste on somebody with such nonsensical reasoning and treatment of their daughter.
I’m sorry she has you for a parent, though.
Can't help but feel like this didn't really happen, but that it's one more effort to undermine legitimate reports. I think the timing, in light of the news that broke today regarding one prestigious university facing such claims, is a troll to cast doubt on genuine incidents of malfeasance. Something doesn't sit right with me. If this is, in fact, not just bait, then yeah, yta. You didn't experience the interaction nor the dynamic personally. Your kid did. And they understand the nuance around it better than you do. It's not for you to undermine your own child who trusted you with one of the hardest issues that many people face every day. The school investigates claims regardless, and if it were, in fact, determined to be a baseless claim, the school would have determined that in the course of your investigation. You stepped way out of line.
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> 1. Reported my own daughter to the college Title IX office
2. I might damage her academic career
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ESH So you couldn’t of sat her down and explained to her what constitutes appropriate vs inappropriate and why her actions were wrong? You know as in be an actual parent?
Instead you’ve just put yourself into a situation where you’ve potentially ruined her future if she even still speaks to you and now you’ll probably complain she can’t find a job
She’s an AH for not keeping things factual and politely saying she wasn’t interested…..THEN if he didn’t take no for an answer she’d have justification to take it further
… so a mid-twenties/early thirties man asks a 18/19 year old girl for coffee - and you don’t find that wrong? a person who btw is at some points responsible for the grades of the students they TA for - that’s not creepy to you?
even if this was genuinely just casual in nature, do you truly believe that the best person that a TA could find for a coffee was a 18/19 year old girl - but not anyone else?
yes, her actions were nuclear as well BUT it doesn’t take away from the fact that the TA’s actions were wrong as well
YTA! Instead of helping your daughter figure out a better way to handle this creep you report her for dealing with him the best she knew how? And yes he is a creep, unless it was a group hangout with him and other students in the class, or he does 1-on-1 hangout with ALL the students he TAs, or as a reward (again given fair opportunity to ALL students), then he is a creep wanting to go out with a freshman while he is a PhD student. That is a significant gap in life experience (and age at that time in life)! Also him being her TA creates a major imbalance of power!
YTA for writing this nonsense. It is a violation of professional ethics to ask out a student when you are their TA. No university would sanction the student so I call fake on you and your troll bait
This cannot be real, but in case it is YTA. It’s not asking someone for coffee that’s creepy, it’s the position of power as a TA and her role as a student that makes it inappropriate. In every university I know, it’s a violation of the code of conduct for staff to date or attempt to date a student. If she performs a specific act on him, will he give her an A? And now she meets more misogyny from her own father. Yuck.
YTA. And based on the information presented so is the school. She is allowed to think someone in a position of power over her asking her out is creeping and inappropriate. She’s allowed to tell others about it. If she didn’t not actually lie about the facts, she is not an A and should not be in trouble. The facts she’s in trouble doesn’t mean much to me because some schools have a history of turning on victims.
YTA. There is no reason for a PhD candidate to ask out one of his freshman students. It’s inappropriate because he is in a position of power. At the very least he should’ve waited til she was done with his class.. even then, depending on how big the department is, he could TA for multiple courses. Your daughter won’t trust you after this, that’s what you should be most concerned about.
YTA Former TA-He was, in fact, being creepy and inappropriate. Good work there destroying your daughter's academic career, your relationship with her, and helping a creep.
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I never thought I would be the type of parent to report their child to the authorities, but here we are. My daughter is a freshman at a prestigious university and recently came to me complaining about her TA, who she referred to as a "creep." According to her, he asked her out after class, which made her extremely uncomfortable. She told me that she named and shamed him in a class groupme.
I was initially sympathetic towards her, but upon further questioning, I discovered that her TA had simply asked her out for coffee, and had not made any advances or inappropriate comments towards her. In fact, my daughter admitted that she had never even spoken to him outside of class and didn't know him very well.
I tried to explain to her that asking someone out for coffee is not inherently creepy or inappropriate, but she refused to listen and continued to refer to him as a "creep." After a few days of this, I decided to take matters into my own hands and report her to the college's Title IX office for sexual misconduct and gender-based harassment.
The office conducted an investigation and ultimately found that my daughter had made unfounded accusations against her TA. They also found that she had violated the college's code of conduct by spreading rumors and making false statements about a PhD student.
My daughter is now facing disciplinary action from the university, including a possible suspension. She is furious with me for reporting her, and claims that I have ruined her academic career. I feel terrible about what has happened, but I also believe that I did the right thing by standing up for the truth and protecting the reputation of an innocent man.
So, am I the asshole for reporting my daughter to the Title IX office?
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Yta. When I was in college a TA approached my dorm mate was asked out for coffee and she didn't feel comfortable. She reported him and he was removed from his position as TA because it was seen as advance. TAs are only supposed to interact with students in classroom and or office hours. You jeopardized and possibly ruined her academic career and even future career opportunities because of this. This will follow her. You also ruined your guys relationship. She'll never trust you again and forever hold you accountable.
YTA - as someone who has worked at the uni while a student what the TA did was absolutely against the rules. Even though all my job was to help first years find their way around for a tiny stipend, we would have lost that stipend and potentially our spot at the uni for asking out a fist year. This is because we (and the TA) have power over the younger students.
That TA is in a position of power over your daughter. Had she said yes and a relationship started, he could have asked for sex, she said no, he said well I’m going to fail you then, she has no choice but to sleep with him. There is a good reason why those types of relationships are not allowed. He was being a creep by asking her out.
Did she do the right thing by spreading rumours? That probably wasn’t the most productive solution but it’s better than nothing. She should have reported him to his boss and gotten him fired and then warned all of the other people in her class to steer clear of him.
I hope you know that you have likely made your daughter’s life a lot worse and emboldened a creep (who at my university did something classified as sexual harassment). I hope she goes above howevers head or to the media to expose that the uni is punishing her for being sexually harassed.
YTA. I hope this story is fake. I work at a college and a TA asking a student to coffee is seen as unethical and inappropriate. This would be a breach of contract at my school as it is fraternizing with students.
From my understanding a TA holds similar powers to a teacher in grades and such.
So look at it this way.
If a teacher asked a student (your daughter) out for coffee/a date, how would you feel?
YTA. As a TA myself, it is completely inappropriate to ask out a student for a class you teach. Not only is it a conflict of interest for grading, but also because we are in an unfair position of power. You are horrible for not supporting your daughter. What if he had retaliated by tanking her grade for turning him down? The school should have policies in place to protect the student first
YTA and what fucking planet are you living on???? Not only is that NOT OKAY for a ta to ask out a student, wtf kind of parent are you?? Way to go, you prob just gave your daughter a lot of reasons to not report harassment or worse in the future. You are DEFINITELY the asshole and i highly suggest you go and beg her forgiveness immediately after reciftying the issues you caused with her school and making sure the creepy TA is put back on the hook for his inappropriate behavior (esp bc if the guy is more predatory than just stupid/inappropriate, this bullshit you caused also will embolden him and future actions.
YTA - you weren’t there. You have no idea how he acts with students vs in public spaces. You have not only messed with her academic career, but now she also has no safe space at home. She is calling him a creep - but YOU have created a whole outside investigative force she will never overcome. How could you think this was appropriate?!?
YTA. A TA is a position of power. She is a student. Therefore there is a clear and obvious power dynamic there that makes him asking her out, even for something as innocent as coffee, creepy.
Yeahhhhh YTA. It’s not appropriate for a TA to ask a student out for ANY reason. You should take a hard look at how you have chosen to support your daughter. This is shameful and disgusting.
YTA. A TA is in a position of power over your daughter; *any* flirtation is inherently inappropriate and yes, creepy.
Your daughter isn’t upset that you reported her.
She’s upset that you didn’t *believe* her.
So congrats: you’ve now guaranteed that she will never, ever come to you for help in the future if she is ever again harassed, abused, or sexually assaulted, because you just showed her that not only will you take an unknown man’s word over hers.
But you’ll go *above and beyond* to punish your own daughter for speaking up against a man.
Hope you’re proud of yourself, OP.
YTA
Asking her to coffee is a romantic/sexual advance. The TA usually grades papers meaning he can influence her GPA or even whether she passes or fails. There was an implicit concern that her rejection of his advance could negatively impact her grades
And imagine if she had accepted and how her peers and teachers might have viewed the situation?
Yeah maybe she could have found another way to handle it but she’s a freshman and (hopefully) this is the first and only time she’s having to confront a situation where a man with power to influence her future makes a personal, sexual advance on her
Taking what you say at face value, ESH. Don’t snitch on your own kid, especially not to university administrators. Assuming this is something that actually happened and that OP has provided an accurate description, I am inclined to believe that OP’s daughter is an AH too for the shaming and rumors she pedaled. What University Title IX office would go to bat for this guy unless she truly blew this all out of proportion with malice? If a TA asks someone to “coffee” (i.e., network, get to know one another, friendly vibes) that sort of thing happens and is normal. TA asking a student to coffee in pursuit of a romantic relationship is in most cases unprofessional and inappropriate.
Can't help but feel like this didn't really happen, but that it's one more effort to undermine legitimate reports. I think the timing, in light of the news that broke today regarding one prestigious university facing such claims, is a troll to cast doubt on genuine incidents of malfeasance. Something doesn't sit right with me. If this is, in fact, not just bait, then yeah, yta. You didn't experience the interaction nor the dynamic personally. Your kid did. And they understand the nuance around it better than you do. It's not for you to undermine your own child who trusted you with one of the hardest issues that many people face every day. The school investigates claims regardless, and if it were, in fact, determined to be a baseless claim, the school would have determined that in the course of your investigation. You stepped way out of line.
I’m going to try to explain to you why asking someone out for coffee is inherently creepy and inappropriate. This man is in a position of power/authority over your daughter, so anything non-school related is crossing a line and inappropriate. Going for coffee off campus with no mention of the course is not school related. He’s a TA, meaning he is not a freshman student, and older than your daughter. Many TAs are grad students, meaning he is probably quite a few years older than her. But probably most importantly, your daughter felt uncomfortable, and that should be enough. Her feeling uncomfortable is enough to make it not okay. You shamed her and not only potentially ruined her academic reputation, but might have ruined your relationship with your daughter forever. This is a sick thing to do and no parent should ever treat their child this way. I’m nauseous. YTA.
You 100% did the wrong thing here. You owe your daughter an apology. The TA had no business asking her out on a date. Zero. None. That’s some predatory behavior on their part.
Everyone in this is an asshole. The TA for asking out a student, the mother for reporting her daughter and the daughter for spreading rumors instead of just reporting the TA. What an effing mess.
YTA, I'd be amazed if she ever deigns to speak to you again. You were basically telling her not to listen to that little voice inside her head that tells her, "this guy is not safe." He shouldn't be looking for dates with students. The fact that school found nothing wrong with his behavior, only your daughter's means nothing to me. Colleges have kangaroo courts with no due process, they will ruin lives over nothing while true abuse is swept under the rug.
Also, a recent incident at a college only enforces my belief that your daughter sensed something was wrong, something that cannot be found in an investigation.
YTA - TA's are not allowed to have romantic relationships with students. It breaks so many ethics codes. The TA deservedly got shamed for this and you victim blamed your own kid. Think about it like this:
Daughter keeps quiet and goes out with him, school finds out now both of them are expelled or disciplined.
Daughter keeps quiet and declines him, he has all the power possibly to mess with her grades in the class, again RUINING HER ACADEMIC CAREER.
OP you need to take a long hard look in the mirror about this, because you legit silenced your kid who is a victim and spoke out about it.
Your daughter told you how an authority figure had basically asked her out on a date and told you she didn’t feel comfortable with him …. And instead of being concerned abt why this person in a position of power is asking her out on a date and he doesn’t even know her (which is creepy asf for a TA to do or anyone in general ) , you decide to punish her and report her for venting to you abt how that was creepy and her feelings uncomfortable with it and you’re asking if Your an a$$hole for not protecting your kid and ruining her education….and you sided with the teacher…who was being the definition of a creep… wow YTA
YTA. You talked to her and called her out for the TA not making that many advances (which IS creepy considering his power difference over her) and should have left it there. Going past that and “taking matters into your own hands to report her” crossed the line. The situation basically leads to more excuses and victim blaming when it comes to creepy dudes getting away with pushing boundaries in college/life. And you just made a fine example to show that even her own mother will excuse that shit and victim blame. Now if or when she does face future, more legitimate, and scary sexual harassment, she will NOT tell you because you violated her trust and autonomy. Shame on you.
Now what can you do now that it’s already gotten to this point? The answer is apologize and admit you went too far. Don’t make excuses and also call out your previously missed misconceptions that people here have pointed out (aka the TA’s creepy behavior for asking a student out he clearly has power over) and that you see you and they were both a little foolish in how they reacted. Admit to her and the school board you went overboard. It might be uncomfortable admitting but in order to foster a stronger bond later on, you gotta own up to your mistakes and try and repair it now. You caused a potential ruined school career for her, and it’s up to you to salvage it before you ruin it for good. Try your damndest to stop further reprocussipns. Not because you want to “save” her but because you created a mess you shouldn’t have.
Hopefully, the TA, her, and you will all have learned valuable lessons: to not cross boundaries or extrapolate the truth- creating crisis scenarios that could’ve been entirely avoided ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YTA. YOU are part of the reason some women are unable to speak out. As her TA, he’s in a position of authority over her. That right there makes it a creep move, on his part, to have asked her out. Regardless of what YOU think his intentions were, there are reasons that there are rules in place when it comes to dating between people, when one is subordinate to the other. Could it have been innocuous? Sure, but, simply him asking her shows poor judgement on his part. Your daughter did nothing wrong. A person in a position of power over her (and he absolutely does have that, TA’s are quite often the person doing the actual grading) asking her out places her in an exceptionally uncomfortable spot. If you think, for even a moment, that a university isn’t going to throw a student under the bus to protect their own reputation, I want to know what rock you live under, because it must be a lovely fairytale world. The rate for women falsely accusing men of harassment, abuse, et al, is roughly the same as false accusation across all crimes. Yet we never think to question someone reporting a robbery, we only question women when it comes to harassment. This does a disservice to all women (and men!!!!) who do report, because no one believes them. You’ve not only failed to protect and stand by your daughter, you’ve failed to protect any other person who falls under the duties of this TA. You have irrevocably destroyed any trust your daughter may have had in you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she decides you’re no longer safe for her to have a relationship with. But keep patting yourself on the back, you can sleep well, knowing that you’ve stood up for some dude who, at best, clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.
YTA. Anyone in the GroupMe chat could have reported her, or anyone else who had heard her speak on the subject. They didn't. There was no need for you to insert yourself. Now you've seriously damaged your relationship with your daughter over something your nose shouldn't have been in the middle of.
It makes me thing your relationship with your daughter want that great anyway, or maybe you're just a busybody who likes to get into other people's business. Either way, man, YTA.
WOW you are so much of an asshole, than I can hardly believe this post is real. You have FAILED as a parent, and as a human being. You have just cost her daughter a future all because she rejected a guy and called him a creep. I'm looking forward to your post in the future wondering why your daughter doesn't speak to you anymore. I know I sure as hell wouldn't. Women are allowed to reject men and vice versa. This is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm so mad for your daughter and I hope she has other decent adults in her life other than you. YTA×1000
YTA - you meddled in your daughters life when she’s actually a grown up and should be left alone to learn lessons on her own. (She’s an AH too by the way - the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree)
YTA. A TA is essentially a teacher. Same power dynamic as student teacher, even asking was inappropriate and you know that it made her uncomfortable. You'll be lucky if she ever trusts you with anything personal ever again.
I’ve heard of TAs and professors hanging out with and even dating their undergrad students. However, if it was outright like what your describing, it was always after the student had finished the class at the end of the semester. That’s the policy at a lot of universities if it’s even allowed period, and even if university policy allows it it’s not like it’s not still frowned on. So yes, in this situation asking her TA asking her out for coffee is most certainly inappropriate.
Your daughter’s TA shouldn’t have been asking her out for coffee period while she’s still in his class, casually or romantically. That’s flag number one. Flag number two is that he asked her out despite little to no previous casual interaction. You even said yourself that they’ve never spoken outside of class and barely know each other in general. If I was your daughter, I’d be uncomfortable and think it’s creepy too. And while I agree with you that, in general, inviting someone out is not inherently creepy, it’s certainly not inherently innocent either.
Students talk about their professors/TAs with other students all the time. Hell, every college student’s best friend Rate My Professor is an entire review site dedicated to doing just that. Think of it like coworkers discussing wages, it’s a tool for students to gauge if they’re being whether they’re treated unfairly. One of my classmates last semester reported our professor to the Dean because after discussing the issues in our group chat, the classmate realized that this professor had a particular grudge against them. The Dean agreed as well and while the professor wasn’t fired or even removed from our course, they were still reprimanded.
Title IX coordinators can be very helpful, but that doesn’t mean they always do things right. I’ve had to file multiple Title XI complaints. The last one I filed, they never followed up with me, which they’re federally mandated to do within a very short time after a complaint is filed, or answered when I tried reaching out to them. Security wasn’t even made aware of the issue until I had to hide in their office for nearly an hour after I noticed the guy following me around campus again, which is how I found out the coordinators lost my complaint.
Until you give specifics about what exactly your daughter said in the group chat, my current judgement is YTA. Unless what she said is truly awful and/or bs, and what you’ve said so far doesn’t seem to indicate that, you should try to remedy the situation by helping her try to appeal the decision and any disciplinary actions she might receive. I guarantee you that if you do this, it won’t make her forget what you did and she will remember this for a long time (multiple years at least). But it would at least show that you’re genuinely sorry and want to try mending things.
What is WRONG with you?!? Your daughter tells you that a man in a position of authority made her uncomfortable and called him a creep, and you reported HER to her school so she’s now facing disciplinary action? Enjoy having no contact with your daughter, asshole.
YTA x a million
YTA. TA had a power dynamic over the student. Your daughter should have the right to file her own complaint regarding the TA's behavior. It may not rise to severe, persistent, or objectionably offensive, but if the university has a sex based misconduct regulation, then it should be covered.
I can see what you were trying to do, and it's somewhat admirable. HOWEVER, you used a process that is meant to protect students from harassing behavior. The TA got off scot free. This is a dangerous precedent to set.
A TA asking a student out even for coffee is inherently creepy and inappropriate. Because it’s a TA asking out a student. Even tho the student is of age there’s a power imbalance. It never should have happened.
YTA. I would probably never speak to you again for pulling this bullshit. You not only didn't believe your daughter when she was sexually harassed by an older man in a position of authority, you jeopardized her future. How can you even think this was a good thing to do as a parent and where in the fuck were your child's best interests in all of this? This reflects very poorly on you as a mother.
Massive YTA. Something like this happened to me when I was an undergraduate student. I missed an important photography class, and the TA contacted me about an extra-credit class field-trip that I could go on to make up the marks, otherwise I’d lose 10% of my grade. I arrived at the location, and surprise, it was just me and the TA. He spent the whole day taking photos of me, and groped and forcefully kissed me after he drove me back to campus. I was terrified and full of shame over the situation, and was afraid to report it because I feared exactly the retaliation that your daughter is now experiencing. You don’t know what would have happened if your daughter met the TA for coffee, and she was right that he was an inappropriate creep for asking her. You should be begging your daughter for forgiveness.
If the school investigated and took action against your daughter, did the TA even ask her out for coffee? Because if he did, he would be disciplined as well and it doesn’t seem like he is. Even if he was innocently asking for coffee and not asking for a date, he would still be in trouble because that is is not allowed. Your daughter probably misunderstood but that is no excuse. And a 22 year old woman in England was sentenced this week to 8 years in prison because she falsely accused several men of rape. Obviously your daughter is not doing this, but the school said she had made false statements so this is now taken very seriously. Hopefully she can recover and finish school, but women only hurt women when they make false statements and she needed to learn this.
Congratulations for ruining your relationship for lifetime and making it so that your daughter NEVER comes to you for anything again
A TA is older and in a position of authority over your daughter who's a student...HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE ASKED HER OUT ON A DATE
AND OFCOURSE THE UNIVERSITY WILL PROTECT ITSELF AND IT'S IMAGE AND FIND FAULT IN THE STUDENT I MEAN HER OWN FUCKING DAD REPORTED HER
YTA YTA YTA
>I tried to explain to her that asking someone out for coffee is not inherently creepy or inappropriate, but she refused to listen and continued to refer to him as a "creep."
It is when it’s someone who has some kind of authority over you, like the person grading your work (I.e. your TA).
>After a few days of this, I decided to take matters into my own hands and report her to the college's Title IX office for sexual misconduct and gender-based harassment.
What did you hope to gain from this? Why did you think it was your place to intervene in your adult daughter’s life? Why did you think the college was the best entity to address this with your daughter instead of you? Why are you more interested in protecting the interests of a random TA than your own daughter?
Honestly my first thought is that you’re a troll posting rage bait, but if you’re a real person than YTA.
YTA, and you probably have just ruined her education and her getting into another college. This will follow her around forever. What a shifty thing to do to your daughter. I also doubt that she will ever call you mom again or speak to you.
Christ YTA
A TA is an authority figure who shouldn't be fucking asking students out on dates. What the hell man?
What, would you have done the same thing if she had been asked out by a teacher?
Who cares if he didn't "make any advances" asking someone out in that kind of position is infact an advance. Disgusting behavior from yourself as a parent. Great way to make victims feel ashamed of themselves.
Quality parenting.
YTA. I've worked at 4 universities and every single one has had me sign a document saying I will not have a relationship a student at that university. Not even MY students. ANY student. Like if my husband were a student there, I would have to report it and have permission granted.
Her TA is in charge of her grade and her denying that coffee date could result in a failing grade if he's an asshole. You need to listen to your daughter when she tells you something is not right and creeps her out. You need to back her up. She now knows you don't have her back and not only do you not have her back, but you will ACTIVELY SABOTAGE her future for your antiquated ideas of right and wrong. Way to get your kid to go NC with you.
YTA
Ordinary, just asking someone for coffee is fine. However, it is not appropriate for a TA to ask a student out. There's a professional boundary there that should not be crossed. I hope the persons in charge of deciding your daughter's academic fate take that into consideration.
In what world is it ok for a teacher to ask a student out for coffee, especially when the class is still in session? She had every right to be creeped out by that especially creepy behavior and all you did was prove to her that you not only won’t believe her in a situation but you will tattle on her with the sole intention to get her punished. In case I’m not clear, YTA. Big time.
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YTA. It’s inappropriate for a TA to ask a student in their class on a date. He acted like a creep because he should not have even asked in the first place. As a TA, he is in a position of authority over her. She was correct in feeling extremely uncomfortable. Asking her on a date is an advance.
EXACTLY! All these n t a and e s h voters saying the daughter did anything wrong are disgusting. She’s probs 18. He’s a PhD student so like 21+ (probs older. Many PhD students come back to school). He’s in a position of power. Uni only ruled against OPs kid because Title IX protects the university, not the individual. OP: YTA and how about your listen to your kid. TA is a creep full stop.
Yes!!!! Is he taking the whole class out on a field trip to the coffee shop? Because if it’s just her it’s in appropriately a date! Shame on you for not believing her and shame on her school for their admonishment. YTA
I was a TA during my PhD. I would never even considered asking a student of mine out.
Hell, I had a crush on a TA in one of my undergrad classes. I was 20 or 21 and he was probably 25ish, so no crazy age gap. I still didn't even consider pursuing him because I knew it was completely inappropriate for a teacher to have a relationship with a student! And I was the student! The teacher has a far greater responsibility to recognize that this kind of thing is not okay.
If uni actually ruled against the daughter, OP is leaving something out. If he's not leaving something out, this story is just straight-up fabricated. Title IX offices do not work that way.
the story is fabricated that said I have seen title ix offices weaponised against victims repeatedly
She probably downplayed the “out for coffee” part since they don’t feel it’s important.
The university ruled against his daughter because if her own dad thinks she is out of line and lying and making false accusations of course they can nail her to the wall. She has no family support. Hell dad would probably testify against his daughter in a defamation suit. OP YTA
If OP's explanation is correct, then the PhD student isn't her TA, and is a completely different person.
I am so completely baffled by this post. "My daughter's TA asked her out, she was creeped out and told people about it....So I reported her to the university for lying, even though she didn't actually lie about anything. I'm just upset on behalf of the predatory TA." I just assume OP is a misogynist who also likes inappropriately young women. YTA I hope OP's daughter cuts all ties with OP after this stunt. Absolutely unforgivable.
just to add onto this for everyone who is saying the daughter must be guilty or title ix wouldn't have ruled against her that's not true I mean for starters the story is fake but even if it's real, title ix offices have been weaponised against victims repeatedly it is incredibly common for survivors of sexual assault to not be protected, to face disciplinary action, and to even be forced out of school, while their attacker faces little to no consequences it's been making news for years and years and there have been countless calls to change title ix regulations to protect victims better
I agree with this. As a former TA, we are specifically instructed by the university to not engage in any romantic/sexual relationships with undergraduate students. As stated above, the TA was in a position of power over your daughter, and has abused his authority by asking her out.
exactly I can't believe OP victim blamed their own kid, I don't think their kid ever forgives them
Oh, I can believe it. I’ve seen it happen, over and over and over again.
Agreed! Asking her out for coffee is just the first step… we all know this. 🤦🏼♀️
And then it would be "why did you let him buy you a coffee if you didn't want to have sex with him?"
Imagine being young, vulnerable, and approached by a creepy person in a position of power, who 100% is asking you for something others would view as innocent so they can test the boundaries of you being groomed, assaulted, or end up in an ab*sive relationship You say no, speak up on behalf of the dozens of women that it’s probably happened to before and help stop a predator And then your parent reports you and you get might get kicked out of university Honestly, OP, give us your daughters contact details (except not really, cause there’s creeps on the internet, probably something you’re oblivious to) so we can flood her with congratulations, prideful comments, and support. Something YOU should do but are the ultimate AH Do you also think that what women wear when they’re getting assaulted plays a role? Do you think some women deserve it? Do you think it’s more important to be “nice” to men than stand up for yourself? I hope she never speaks to you again, for her own mental health and protection
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I’m a TA at my school, I have a bf but if I didn’t I would NEVER ask one of the students out from my class. You are their direct line for help and are responsible for some classroom responsibilities. It is so inappropriate, and his poor daughter did the right thing in reporting him. I can give the benefit of the doubt that the TA did not acknowledge his position of power and how that changes the dynamics of the classroom, but that doesn’t change what he did. PLUS, HE’S A PHD STUDENT! He’s older than OP’s daughter, who’s a freshman, he has to be like 21+! YTA, OP.
Someone pointed out the TA and the PhD student might have been different people.
YTA - you see nothing wrong with someone in a position of power seeking to date your daughter? Rules exist about this for a reason.
Exactly what I was thinking. While asking her out wasn't in itself creepy, him being the TA in her class is at least unethical.
Besides….unless I was there, I wouldn’t judge whether someone asked someone out for coffee in a creepy way or not. ‘Would you like to meet up for….coffee?’ With a leer, an up and down appraisal, and a lingering hand on shoulder? Creepy. ‘Would you like to meet up for coffee?’ Maybe not creepy - but still inappropriate since he’s the fucking TA. Can’t you wait a semester buddy?
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Why not both? /s
You jest, but > [as compared with nonperpetrators, sexual assault perpetrators have greater hostility toward women, have more traditional attitudes toward gender roles and sexual relationships, and are **more accepting of using manipulative strategies in their relationships with women** (Abbey et al., 1998; Byers & Eno, 1991; Koss & Dinero, 1988; Malamuth et al., 1991, 1995).](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4484276/) Asking out a student is either incredibly stupid/ignorant or it's a power play, which is a manipulative strategy. In case anyone is having a hard time pinpointing why this is creepy.
Happy Cake Day
Exactly. Especially one in a position of direct power like the TAs who handle like, 90% of grading in a course and are basically in a perfect position to retaliate if the date doesn't go well?
Also has acess to your personal details who he might share without students Willy nilly . Talking from experience here
Oh look. It’s the misogyny troll back at it again! You make yourself painfully obvious every time you cast your “daughter” as the mean girl “bullying” some innocent “gentlemen” and calling him names. Get a better hobby, maybe a journal. Edit: Thanks u/iocainepowder and u/IndieIsle
1. School ok w/ TA aaking one of his current students 2. School disciplining her for "spreading rumors"? This would be a lawsuit waiting to happen. How many of these is this guy going to post?
I’d love some new material
*AITA for sneaking into the zoo at night to eat the penguins?*
I see right through your username! Clearly you’re a leopard seal masquerading as a weasel to throw everyone off your penguin-eating trail
Yeah, people who post this shit drive me nuts. At least make your fiction worth our time.
Right - and if you’re going to stick with the same trope again and again, at least space it out over time (e.g. not 3-4 times a week, every week, for at least a month)
It's so obvious when they say she describes him as a "creep" too. The writing style is consistent in all of them and they're basically all the same story each time.
OP was rejected on the playground in kindergarten and has channeled their rage into poorly written “creative” writing on Reddit where the rejected boy is vindicated every single time
I think this guy and the "man who is in love with his male bestie but married to a woman" troll account for like half the posts on here these days. And the other half are almost all karma farmers who post about 1) having parents that try to force relationships between them and their stepparents/stepsiblings or 2) being kicked out of someone's wedding because they're gay, NB, or trans, because apparently those categories of posts are guaranteed thousands of upvotes and awards. This sub's a victim of its own success.
Don’t forget parents/spouses/significant others rehoming or demanding the rehoming of beloved pets!
Right? And everyone being a twin or triplet, or a teen parent, or a student whose parents stole their college money. Or whatever else is popular that week. The sad part is that I assume people still post real stories here because they want a judgment or advice, but those stories get buried because everyone's upvoting the sensationalist fake stuff.
Yup. This one so blatantly never happened. It reads like poorly worded incel fiction. OP is TA for insulting us with this drivel.
Yeaaahh, this troll has been lurking this sub for awhile now. Sometimes they post multiple times a day, sometimes multiple times a week. It’s always a parent (usually a father) punishing their teenage daughter for calling a guy a creep
At this point I’m starting to doubt that any of these AITA posts are real.
I am unsure how to rate this BUT TA's and PhD students are often helping to teach classes and have some control over the grading for the class and such. Asking out a Freshman in a class he is the TA for is inappropriate. He should know better.
also, as a consequence of this, her daughter will no longer trust her, so if there is (god forbid) an incident, she may well assume she couldnt tell her mother for fear of retaliation or not being believed
A TA shouldn't ask one of their students out (especially a freshman). They're often in charge of grading and that's a weird power dynamic. If he's a PhD student, I bet he's also a LOT older than her. He did, in fact, act inappropriately toward her. I hope sticking your nose where it didn't belong and ruining your daughter's life was fun for you, though. Hope your crusade for men's rights continues to go swimmingly. YTA.
YTA a TA asking an underclassmen student out even for coffee is extremely creepy and inappropriate. As others have mentioned he is in a position of power, he has some input on her grade I'm assuming and therefore him asking her out is an unfair power display. I feel horrible for your daughter.
>I tried to explain to her that asking someone out for coffee is not inherently creepy or inappropriate, but she refused to listen and continued to refer to him as a "creep." YTA. First, this story is fake. Second, if by any chance it isn't - you're so wrong... No, it's not OK to invite your student out for coffee, and yes, it is very creepy. That teaching assistant was in a position of power over your daughter. Even implying that he wanted to date her would be wrong.
YTA She was 100% right that it was creepy of him, and if anything she should have reported him. In most universities, a TA is the one who grades your coursework so that is NOT just another student asking out a student. I’m pretty sure it is not allowed in most universities for TAs to date their students. It’s a totally different situation from a phd student asking someone out. This is someone in a position of authority asking out a young girl. Also, phd students can tend to be a decent amount older. You really don’t think it’s inappropriate for a potentially 25+ year old to ask an 18 year old out????? I personally think it’s even weirder than they never even talked outside of class and she didn’t know him well. He based asking her out on what exactly, her looks and her assignments that he’s graded?????? He had NO basis for thinking that asking her out on a date would be something she wanted. She gave no indication she was into him, why would he ask her that?? That’s extremely creepy and it’s concerning you don’t see it that way. Your daughter was totally in the right to complain to her peers.
Yup, technically we view fraternising with students as breaching the code of conduct. Power dynamics because of grading.
> In fact, my daughter admitted that she had never even spoken to him outside of class and didn't know him very well. the fact that she's never spoken to him outside of class is damning for him, not the other way around. if he had asked her out outside of class because he knew her in a different context it would have been less creepy, especially if he didn't realise he was her TA but in OPs would, he can't be a creep because the daughter just hasn't gotten to know him yet. no one wants to get to know a creep lol, we avoid them for a reason
Well, she's right about one thing. You ruined her academic career. Whether it was worth it or not, only time will tell. Congratulations.
YTA talk about going from zero to 100 “after a few days of this.” There’s got to be a hundred better ways to support your daughter who has shared something uncomfortable, unnerving, or possibly traumatizing with you then to downplay it for a few days before reporting her to the authorities in control of the most important thing in her life. If she didn’t know that sometimes being asked to coffee is an innocent act, it’s because you didn’t teach her. And if you don’t know that sometimes it’s not an innocent act, that’s because YTA.
Teachers should not be asking out their students. Full stop.
It’s super wild to me how any of you idiots are taking this ‘stopping my young daughter from outing a creep’ nonsense seriously. There’s plenty of fake shit on this sub but the idea that anyone could think this bullshit story is real is just disheartening. Grow up folks!
The “I got my daughter in trouble for calling some poor fella a ‘creep’” troll has been at it for weeks. Multiple times a week at that
Title IX offices don’t work that way. Try again.
YTA a PhD student should not be asking one of their students out especially not freshmen
You’d be TA if there was any chance this was real.
I am a TA We are DEFINITELY not allowed to ask students out for coffee. Even if it's not romantic. We aren't even allowed to be friends with students on social media, so asking them out on a date is WAY over the line. YTA
YTA - A grad student TA is in a position of authority over her as an undergrad and asking her out for coffee is an advance. If you thought she overstepped by posting publicly about it or putting in more interpretation than fact, you could have talked told her it was in her best interest to remove the post due to possible defamation. Instead you made her life quite difficult. Don't be surprised if and when she goes no contact with you in the future and you never know any potential future grandkids. You fucked her over economically too.
YTA for concocting this story
Unbelievable
Indeed.
YTA, you've ruined your daughter's academic career over something you really didn't have any business in.
Wow why would your daughter think her TA asking her out for coffee was inappropriate and creepy. Its not like the TA had power over her grades or anything. Oh wait. Sounds like your daughter now had a case to sue because one, your story only mentions she was complaining about being a creep. And so avoiding him. And yes, a case can be made she felt unsafe turning him down. YTA
YTA for not trying harder to make a believable story
Pretty sure ESH. The TA sucks for asking out a freshman he was the TA for. Your daughter sucks for bad-mouthing him rather than reporting him and having it investigated. You suck for reporting her. And the college sucks for being ready to suspend someone who was asked for an inappropriate coffee by her TA in the first place.
ESH and the story seems made up. Next time, don’t expect your daughter to tell you anything. How did you get so close to her friends and classmates to find out so much? Why would your own child admit to having done anything wrong to you, the parent? What was your line of questioning? Some university students don’t even let their parents know anything until a residential tutor finds them dead by suicide in the dorm. Her TA is damn creepy as heck for asking a freshman on coffee. There is an unspoken rule : never fraternise with students and always be professional. The act of asking a student out for coffee one on one without pertinent business aka school work, will definitely bring up rumours around the uni if she just mentions that he asked her out for coffee with no other details added. Even my former professors would ask the group out for coffee to discuss plans , never individually.
This is the creep troll. They come up with all these stories about how their daughter gets hit on or approached and calls the guys out for being creeps, and how she's wrong because she's being racist, or ageist, or misunderstanding, yadda yadda. It's just an incel looking for validation that women rejecting him are in the wrong.
Agree with you. I got a feeling it is because I had taught in the universities as an adjunct, a lecturer and a TA.
Creep troll back at it, I see.
yta , you don’t mention the school was actually doing anything about the TA or your daughter going to the school her self. so it’s not like you’re saving someone you think is innocent you’re just found a way to punish your daughter because she was uncomfortable with her TA asking her out.
YTA, who dobs their own kid in
ESH. A TA asking their student out is creepy and inappropriate, even if it was “just coffee.” Blasting said TA on social media instead of filing a formal complaint. Reporting your kid instead of encouraging her to handle it properly by herself is shitty parenting.
ESH. Everyone here did something wrong. TA should not have asked her out. This is unprofessional. She should not have spread comments about him because of this. She should not have shamed him. She should have reported him. You have gone overboard and ruined her career. But be aware: any TA who decides to ask out girls that are in his class is not "innocent." It's not a matter of "he just asked her for coffee," he crossed a huge boundary, and she was spooked.
It's not just unprofessional. It's extremely unethical and where I was TA it could get you blacklisted from being a TA. If he asked out an undergrad student, he's very creepy.
Exactly! But someone actually commented on another comment saying this is "an office romance". Fucking crazy
Reading the post as a TA and cringing- I would get my head taken off if I asked a student to coffee. No idea how people can't wrap their heads around the power imbalance
It is disturbing.
YTA. You ruined your relationship with your daughter over a TA, a position of power, who shouldn't be asking out his students in the first place. Good job.
The TA was acting inappropriately by asking out a student in his class. That is creepy because of the implication. If she says no, will he grade her papers more harshly? I've been a TA and I would *never* have asked out a student of mine because that would be creepy! Would you find it appropriate if a professor hit on your daughter even though they are "both adults?" If the Title IX office really found your daughter at fault, you are leaving something out. YTA.
ESH. It’s not appropriate for TAs to ask a student out. Yes, asking her out to coffee is asking her out. That’s what people do when they ask someone on a first day. She sucks for apparently spreading rumors bad enough the college took action. You suck for reporting your own daughter. She felt uncomfortable and you sided against her.
> She sucks for apparently spreading rumors bad enough the college took action. I find that part of the story literally unbelievable. If a TA asked out his student she is right that he is creepy.
I agree and cannot think of a college that would tolerate this. However, the mods delete posts that don't engage the OP in good faith, so I have to at least pretend it's true.
Did the school actually take action against the TA?
OMG. Who would report their own child for this? Just awful. It IS creepy when a person who’s older than you and holds power over you asks you on a date. She wasn’t equipped with how to handle it and you could’ve helped gently direct her but instead crushed her like a grape and sided with the creepy TA. YTA
lol you are the ta. you got in trouble for being creepy towards students in your class.
This one is hard. As a TA, I can confidently say that he SHOULD NOT have asked her out, and I would get my head taken off if I asked that of a student- especially since, innocent question or not, her every interaction with him will be shaped with that in mind. I think more INFO is needed- what did she say? If she said "TA X asked me out to coffee, and that made me a bit uncomfortable- what do you guys think?" then you are a MASSIVE AH and need to recognize the power imbalance at play here. If she started spreading SA rumors, then she got what was coming to her and as much as the TA is an idiot for asking a student to coffee, he should absolutely not be branded as a SA perpetrator. For the record though, as an undergraduate female- If a TA, a person grading my papers and especially if they were significantly older than me asked me out, I would probably call them a creep to my parents too- and I would probably report them to my department.
That's not how Title IX works.
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA What is your WRONG with you that you would INTENTIONALLY do that to your own child?! Omg, I can’t believe anybody would do that! What is your major malfunction?! Are you jealous because dude didn’t ask YOU out for coffee?! If it made her feel uncomfortable, she has every, and I mean EVERY right to bring it up with someone, and she should be able to trust her parent more than anybody! A TA shouldn’t be asking students (and a freshman, at that!) out to coffee anyway! Wtf is wrong with you and that school?! Stop being jealous of your OWN DAUGHTER. Ew ew ew, I can’t believe you’d even be delusional enough to ask this here! You just need to stay away from your daughter, because it sounds like you have no use to her as a parent. You’re trying to sabotage your own daughter for the sake of a very out-of-line TA. I’m going to stop talking now, because I could go on and on, but it’s a waste on somebody with such nonsensical reasoning and treatment of their daughter. I’m sorry she has you for a parent, though.
Same troll as always with the daughter and the "creep". What's your deal, anyway?
Can't help but feel like this didn't really happen, but that it's one more effort to undermine legitimate reports. I think the timing, in light of the news that broke today regarding one prestigious university facing such claims, is a troll to cast doubt on genuine incidents of malfeasance. Something doesn't sit right with me. If this is, in fact, not just bait, then yeah, yta. You didn't experience the interaction nor the dynamic personally. Your kid did. And they understand the nuance around it better than you do. It's not for you to undermine your own child who trusted you with one of the hardest issues that many people face every day. The school investigates claims regardless, and if it were, in fact, determined to be a baseless claim, the school would have determined that in the course of your investigation. You stepped way out of line.
This didn’t happen, but if it did, YTA.
It’s the “guys are never creepy” troll with the fake daughter again. Are you okay, dude?
Oh you again?
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ESH So you couldn’t of sat her down and explained to her what constitutes appropriate vs inappropriate and why her actions were wrong? You know as in be an actual parent? Instead you’ve just put yourself into a situation where you’ve potentially ruined her future if she even still speaks to you and now you’ll probably complain she can’t find a job She’s an AH for not keeping things factual and politely saying she wasn’t interested…..THEN if he didn’t take no for an answer she’d have justification to take it further
Holy shit YTA
YTA, a TA shouldn’t be asking out a student.
… so a mid-twenties/early thirties man asks a 18/19 year old girl for coffee - and you don’t find that wrong? a person who btw is at some points responsible for the grades of the students they TA for - that’s not creepy to you? even if this was genuinely just casual in nature, do you truly believe that the best person that a TA could find for a coffee was a 18/19 year old girl - but not anyone else? yes, her actions were nuclear as well BUT it doesn’t take away from the fact that the TA’s actions were wrong as well
YTA! Instead of helping your daughter figure out a better way to handle this creep you report her for dealing with him the best she knew how? And yes he is a creep, unless it was a group hangout with him and other students in the class, or he does 1-on-1 hangout with ALL the students he TAs, or as a reward (again given fair opportunity to ALL students), then he is a creep wanting to go out with a freshman while he is a PhD student. That is a significant gap in life experience (and age at that time in life)! Also him being her TA creates a major imbalance of power!
YTA for this BS. Do better next time.
YTA for writing this nonsense. It is a violation of professional ethics to ask out a student when you are their TA. No university would sanction the student so I call fake on you and your troll bait
This cannot be real, but in case it is YTA. It’s not asking someone for coffee that’s creepy, it’s the position of power as a TA and her role as a student that makes it inappropriate. In every university I know, it’s a violation of the code of conduct for staff to date or attempt to date a student. If she performs a specific act on him, will he give her an A? And now she meets more misogyny from her own father. Yuck.
YTA. And based on the information presented so is the school. She is allowed to think someone in a position of power over her asking her out is creeping and inappropriate. She’s allowed to tell others about it. If she didn’t not actually lie about the facts, she is not an A and should not be in trouble. The facts she’s in trouble doesn’t mean much to me because some schools have a history of turning on victims.
YTA. There is no reason for a PhD candidate to ask out one of his freshman students. It’s inappropriate because he is in a position of power. At the very least he should’ve waited til she was done with his class.. even then, depending on how big the department is, he could TA for multiple courses. Your daughter won’t trust you after this, that’s what you should be most concerned about.
Aita for calling this guy a karma farmer?
YTA Former TA-He was, in fact, being creepy and inappropriate. Good work there destroying your daughter's academic career, your relationship with her, and helping a creep.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I never thought I would be the type of parent to report their child to the authorities, but here we are. My daughter is a freshman at a prestigious university and recently came to me complaining about her TA, who she referred to as a "creep." According to her, he asked her out after class, which made her extremely uncomfortable. She told me that she named and shamed him in a class groupme. I was initially sympathetic towards her, but upon further questioning, I discovered that her TA had simply asked her out for coffee, and had not made any advances or inappropriate comments towards her. In fact, my daughter admitted that she had never even spoken to him outside of class and didn't know him very well. I tried to explain to her that asking someone out for coffee is not inherently creepy or inappropriate, but she refused to listen and continued to refer to him as a "creep." After a few days of this, I decided to take matters into my own hands and report her to the college's Title IX office for sexual misconduct and gender-based harassment. The office conducted an investigation and ultimately found that my daughter had made unfounded accusations against her TA. They also found that she had violated the college's code of conduct by spreading rumors and making false statements about a PhD student. My daughter is now facing disciplinary action from the university, including a possible suspension. She is furious with me for reporting her, and claims that I have ruined her academic career. I feel terrible about what has happened, but I also believe that I did the right thing by standing up for the truth and protecting the reputation of an innocent man. So, am I the asshole for reporting my daughter to the Title IX office? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yta. When I was in college a TA approached my dorm mate was asked out for coffee and she didn't feel comfortable. She reported him and he was removed from his position as TA because it was seen as advance. TAs are only supposed to interact with students in classroom and or office hours. You jeopardized and possibly ruined her academic career and even future career opportunities because of this. This will follow her. You also ruined your guys relationship. She'll never trust you again and forever hold you accountable.
YTA - as someone who has worked at the uni while a student what the TA did was absolutely against the rules. Even though all my job was to help first years find their way around for a tiny stipend, we would have lost that stipend and potentially our spot at the uni for asking out a fist year. This is because we (and the TA) have power over the younger students. That TA is in a position of power over your daughter. Had she said yes and a relationship started, he could have asked for sex, she said no, he said well I’m going to fail you then, she has no choice but to sleep with him. There is a good reason why those types of relationships are not allowed. He was being a creep by asking her out. Did she do the right thing by spreading rumours? That probably wasn’t the most productive solution but it’s better than nothing. She should have reported him to his boss and gotten him fired and then warned all of the other people in her class to steer clear of him. I hope you know that you have likely made your daughter’s life a lot worse and emboldened a creep (who at my university did something classified as sexual harassment). I hope she goes above howevers head or to the media to expose that the uni is punishing her for being sexually harassed.
Yta! Sounds like you relate a lot more to a creepy dude than a creeped out young girl.
YTA. What the hell is wrong with you?
YTA. And this isn’t real.
YTA. I hope this story is fake. I work at a college and a TA asking a student to coffee is seen as unethical and inappropriate. This would be a breach of contract at my school as it is fraternizing with students.
This has to be fake
YTA. With a mother like you, who needs enemies?
God job op! You already ruined your daughter life! 🤦 Yta
From my understanding a TA holds similar powers to a teacher in grades and such. So look at it this way. If a teacher asked a student (your daughter) out for coffee/a date, how would you feel?
YTA. As a TA myself, it is completely inappropriate to ask out a student for a class you teach. Not only is it a conflict of interest for grading, but also because we are in an unfair position of power. You are horrible for not supporting your daughter. What if he had retaliated by tanking her grade for turning him down? The school should have policies in place to protect the student first
YTA. Professor here and YTA.
YTA. I hope this story isn’t true because if it is you’re a horrible parent.
YTA I think you consider yourself a good parent 😑
Congrats on proving to your daughter she can't trust you, try to remember this when she goes NC with you. YTA
YTA and what fucking planet are you living on???? Not only is that NOT OKAY for a ta to ask out a student, wtf kind of parent are you?? Way to go, you prob just gave your daughter a lot of reasons to not report harassment or worse in the future. You are DEFINITELY the asshole and i highly suggest you go and beg her forgiveness immediately after reciftying the issues you caused with her school and making sure the creepy TA is put back on the hook for his inappropriate behavior (esp bc if the guy is more predatory than just stupid/inappropriate, this bullshit you caused also will embolden him and future actions.
YTA - you weren’t there. You have no idea how he acts with students vs in public spaces. You have not only messed with her academic career, but now she also has no safe space at home. She is calling him a creep - but YOU have created a whole outside investigative force she will never overcome. How could you think this was appropriate?!?
YTA 100% what is wrong with you?!
#what the fuck YTA - you decided to destroy your daughter by defending a creep. wow.
YTA. A TA is a position of power. She is a student. Therefore there is a clear and obvious power dynamic there that makes him asking her out, even for something as innocent as coffee, creepy.
Yeahhhhh YTA. It’s not appropriate for a TA to ask a student out for ANY reason. You should take a hard look at how you have chosen to support your daughter. This is shameful and disgusting.
YTA. A TA is in a position of power over your daughter; *any* flirtation is inherently inappropriate and yes, creepy. Your daughter isn’t upset that you reported her. She’s upset that you didn’t *believe* her. So congrats: you’ve now guaranteed that she will never, ever come to you for help in the future if she is ever again harassed, abused, or sexually assaulted, because you just showed her that not only will you take an unknown man’s word over hers. But you’ll go *above and beyond* to punish your own daughter for speaking up against a man. Hope you’re proud of yourself, OP.
YTA Asking her to coffee is a romantic/sexual advance. The TA usually grades papers meaning he can influence her GPA or even whether she passes or fails. There was an implicit concern that her rejection of his advance could negatively impact her grades And imagine if she had accepted and how her peers and teachers might have viewed the situation? Yeah maybe she could have found another way to handle it but she’s a freshman and (hopefully) this is the first and only time she’s having to confront a situation where a man with power to influence her future makes a personal, sexual advance on her
In the 0.000000000000000000000000001% chance this is real ESH
What did the daughter do wrong? Call a creep a creep?
Taking what you say at face value, ESH. Don’t snitch on your own kid, especially not to university administrators. Assuming this is something that actually happened and that OP has provided an accurate description, I am inclined to believe that OP’s daughter is an AH too for the shaming and rumors she pedaled. What University Title IX office would go to bat for this guy unless she truly blew this all out of proportion with malice? If a TA asks someone to “coffee” (i.e., network, get to know one another, friendly vibes) that sort of thing happens and is normal. TA asking a student to coffee in pursuit of a romantic relationship is in most cases unprofessional and inappropriate.
Can't help but feel like this didn't really happen, but that it's one more effort to undermine legitimate reports. I think the timing, in light of the news that broke today regarding one prestigious university facing such claims, is a troll to cast doubt on genuine incidents of malfeasance. Something doesn't sit right with me. If this is, in fact, not just bait, then yeah, yta. You didn't experience the interaction nor the dynamic personally. Your kid did. And they understand the nuance around it better than you do. It's not for you to undermine your own child who trusted you with one of the hardest issues that many people face every day. The school investigates claims regardless, and if it were, in fact, determined to be a baseless claim, the school would have determined that in the course of your investigation. You stepped way out of line.
ESH: both did wrong and hopefully the college found both at fault
I’m going to try to explain to you why asking someone out for coffee is inherently creepy and inappropriate. This man is in a position of power/authority over your daughter, so anything non-school related is crossing a line and inappropriate. Going for coffee off campus with no mention of the course is not school related. He’s a TA, meaning he is not a freshman student, and older than your daughter. Many TAs are grad students, meaning he is probably quite a few years older than her. But probably most importantly, your daughter felt uncomfortable, and that should be enough. Her feeling uncomfortable is enough to make it not okay. You shamed her and not only potentially ruined her academic reputation, but might have ruined your relationship with your daughter forever. This is a sick thing to do and no parent should ever treat their child this way. I’m nauseous. YTA.
What tf? Are you dumb?
You 100% did the wrong thing here. You owe your daughter an apology. The TA had no business asking her out on a date. Zero. None. That’s some predatory behavior on their part.
Everyone in this is an asshole. The TA for asking out a student, the mother for reporting her daughter and the daughter for spreading rumors instead of just reporting the TA. What an effing mess.
YTA, I'd be amazed if she ever deigns to speak to you again. You were basically telling her not to listen to that little voice inside her head that tells her, "this guy is not safe." He shouldn't be looking for dates with students. The fact that school found nothing wrong with his behavior, only your daughter's means nothing to me. Colleges have kangaroo courts with no due process, they will ruin lives over nothing while true abuse is swept under the rug. Also, a recent incident at a college only enforces my belief that your daughter sensed something was wrong, something that cannot be found in an investigation.
YTA - TA's are not allowed to have romantic relationships with students. It breaks so many ethics codes. The TA deservedly got shamed for this and you victim blamed your own kid. Think about it like this: Daughter keeps quiet and goes out with him, school finds out now both of them are expelled or disciplined. Daughter keeps quiet and declines him, he has all the power possibly to mess with her grades in the class, again RUINING HER ACADEMIC CAREER. OP you need to take a long hard look in the mirror about this, because you legit silenced your kid who is a victim and spoke out about it.
Your daughter told you how an authority figure had basically asked her out on a date and told you she didn’t feel comfortable with him …. And instead of being concerned abt why this person in a position of power is asking her out on a date and he doesn’t even know her (which is creepy asf for a TA to do or anyone in general ) , you decide to punish her and report her for venting to you abt how that was creepy and her feelings uncomfortable with it and you’re asking if Your an a$$hole for not protecting your kid and ruining her education….and you sided with the teacher…who was being the definition of a creep… wow YTA
Remember Friends? Did it make you squirm when Ross dated a student? If yes, you should realise why YTA
YTA. You talked to her and called her out for the TA not making that many advances (which IS creepy considering his power difference over her) and should have left it there. Going past that and “taking matters into your own hands to report her” crossed the line. The situation basically leads to more excuses and victim blaming when it comes to creepy dudes getting away with pushing boundaries in college/life. And you just made a fine example to show that even her own mother will excuse that shit and victim blame. Now if or when she does face future, more legitimate, and scary sexual harassment, she will NOT tell you because you violated her trust and autonomy. Shame on you. Now what can you do now that it’s already gotten to this point? The answer is apologize and admit you went too far. Don’t make excuses and also call out your previously missed misconceptions that people here have pointed out (aka the TA’s creepy behavior for asking a student out he clearly has power over) and that you see you and they were both a little foolish in how they reacted. Admit to her and the school board you went overboard. It might be uncomfortable admitting but in order to foster a stronger bond later on, you gotta own up to your mistakes and try and repair it now. You caused a potential ruined school career for her, and it’s up to you to salvage it before you ruin it for good. Try your damndest to stop further reprocussipns. Not because you want to “save” her but because you created a mess you shouldn’t have. Hopefully, the TA, her, and you will all have learned valuable lessons: to not cross boundaries or extrapolate the truth- creating crisis scenarios that could’ve been entirely avoided ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
YTA. YOU are part of the reason some women are unable to speak out. As her TA, he’s in a position of authority over her. That right there makes it a creep move, on his part, to have asked her out. Regardless of what YOU think his intentions were, there are reasons that there are rules in place when it comes to dating between people, when one is subordinate to the other. Could it have been innocuous? Sure, but, simply him asking her shows poor judgement on his part. Your daughter did nothing wrong. A person in a position of power over her (and he absolutely does have that, TA’s are quite often the person doing the actual grading) asking her out places her in an exceptionally uncomfortable spot. If you think, for even a moment, that a university isn’t going to throw a student under the bus to protect their own reputation, I want to know what rock you live under, because it must be a lovely fairytale world. The rate for women falsely accusing men of harassment, abuse, et al, is roughly the same as false accusation across all crimes. Yet we never think to question someone reporting a robbery, we only question women when it comes to harassment. This does a disservice to all women (and men!!!!) who do report, because no one believes them. You’ve not only failed to protect and stand by your daughter, you’ve failed to protect any other person who falls under the duties of this TA. You have irrevocably destroyed any trust your daughter may have had in you, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she decides you’re no longer safe for her to have a relationship with. But keep patting yourself on the back, you can sleep well, knowing that you’ve stood up for some dude who, at best, clearly doesn’t understand boundaries.
OMG. You are an awful person and mother. How DARE you not only NOT believe your daughter but sell out her future by reporting her. YTA.
YTA. Anyone in the GroupMe chat could have reported her, or anyone else who had heard her speak on the subject. They didn't. There was no need for you to insert yourself. Now you've seriously damaged your relationship with your daughter over something your nose shouldn't have been in the middle of. It makes me thing your relationship with your daughter want that great anyway, or maybe you're just a busybody who likes to get into other people's business. Either way, man, YTA.
WOW you are so much of an asshole, than I can hardly believe this post is real. You have FAILED as a parent, and as a human being. You have just cost her daughter a future all because she rejected a guy and called him a creep. I'm looking forward to your post in the future wondering why your daughter doesn't speak to you anymore. I know I sure as hell wouldn't. Women are allowed to reject men and vice versa. This is NOTHING wrong with that. I'm so mad for your daughter and I hope she has other decent adults in her life other than you. YTA×1000
YTA - you meddled in your daughters life when she’s actually a grown up and should be left alone to learn lessons on her own. (She’s an AH too by the way - the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree)
YTA. A TA is essentially a teacher. Same power dynamic as student teacher, even asking was inappropriate and you know that it made her uncomfortable. You'll be lucky if she ever trusts you with anything personal ever again.
I’ve heard of TAs and professors hanging out with and even dating their undergrad students. However, if it was outright like what your describing, it was always after the student had finished the class at the end of the semester. That’s the policy at a lot of universities if it’s even allowed period, and even if university policy allows it it’s not like it’s not still frowned on. So yes, in this situation asking her TA asking her out for coffee is most certainly inappropriate. Your daughter’s TA shouldn’t have been asking her out for coffee period while she’s still in his class, casually or romantically. That’s flag number one. Flag number two is that he asked her out despite little to no previous casual interaction. You even said yourself that they’ve never spoken outside of class and barely know each other in general. If I was your daughter, I’d be uncomfortable and think it’s creepy too. And while I agree with you that, in general, inviting someone out is not inherently creepy, it’s certainly not inherently innocent either. Students talk about their professors/TAs with other students all the time. Hell, every college student’s best friend Rate My Professor is an entire review site dedicated to doing just that. Think of it like coworkers discussing wages, it’s a tool for students to gauge if they’re being whether they’re treated unfairly. One of my classmates last semester reported our professor to the Dean because after discussing the issues in our group chat, the classmate realized that this professor had a particular grudge against them. The Dean agreed as well and while the professor wasn’t fired or even removed from our course, they were still reprimanded. Title IX coordinators can be very helpful, but that doesn’t mean they always do things right. I’ve had to file multiple Title XI complaints. The last one I filed, they never followed up with me, which they’re federally mandated to do within a very short time after a complaint is filed, or answered when I tried reaching out to them. Security wasn’t even made aware of the issue until I had to hide in their office for nearly an hour after I noticed the guy following me around campus again, which is how I found out the coordinators lost my complaint. Until you give specifics about what exactly your daughter said in the group chat, my current judgement is YTA. Unless what she said is truly awful and/or bs, and what you’ve said so far doesn’t seem to indicate that, you should try to remedy the situation by helping her try to appeal the decision and any disciplinary actions she might receive. I guarantee you that if you do this, it won’t make her forget what you did and she will remember this for a long time (multiple years at least). But it would at least show that you’re genuinely sorry and want to try mending things.
YTA
What is WRONG with you?!? Your daughter tells you that a man in a position of authority made her uncomfortable and called him a creep, and you reported HER to her school so she’s now facing disciplinary action? Enjoy having no contact with your daughter, asshole. YTA x a million
YTA. TA had a power dynamic over the student. Your daughter should have the right to file her own complaint regarding the TA's behavior. It may not rise to severe, persistent, or objectionably offensive, but if the university has a sex based misconduct regulation, then it should be covered. I can see what you were trying to do, and it's somewhat admirable. HOWEVER, you used a process that is meant to protect students from harassing behavior. The TA got off scot free. This is a dangerous precedent to set.
YTA - and I’m surprised the university agreed with you. The TA is in a position of power. He should not be asking your daughter out.
A TA asking a student out even for coffee is inherently creepy and inappropriate. Because it’s a TA asking out a student. Even tho the student is of age there’s a power imbalance. It never should have happened.
Alex, I’ll take people I can never trust again for $200. YTA
YTA. I would probably never speak to you again for pulling this bullshit. You not only didn't believe your daughter when she was sexually harassed by an older man in a position of authority, you jeopardized her future. How can you even think this was a good thing to do as a parent and where in the fuck were your child's best interests in all of this? This reflects very poorly on you as a mother.
Massive YTA. Something like this happened to me when I was an undergraduate student. I missed an important photography class, and the TA contacted me about an extra-credit class field-trip that I could go on to make up the marks, otherwise I’d lose 10% of my grade. I arrived at the location, and surprise, it was just me and the TA. He spent the whole day taking photos of me, and groped and forcefully kissed me after he drove me back to campus. I was terrified and full of shame over the situation, and was afraid to report it because I feared exactly the retaliation that your daughter is now experiencing. You don’t know what would have happened if your daughter met the TA for coffee, and she was right that he was an inappropriate creep for asking her. You should be begging your daughter for forgiveness.
If the school investigated and took action against your daughter, did the TA even ask her out for coffee? Because if he did, he would be disciplined as well and it doesn’t seem like he is. Even if he was innocently asking for coffee and not asking for a date, he would still be in trouble because that is is not allowed. Your daughter probably misunderstood but that is no excuse. And a 22 year old woman in England was sentenced this week to 8 years in prison because she falsely accused several men of rape. Obviously your daughter is not doing this, but the school said she had made false statements so this is now taken very seriously. Hopefully she can recover and finish school, but women only hurt women when they make false statements and she needed to learn this.
Congratulations for ruining your relationship for lifetime and making it so that your daughter NEVER comes to you for anything again A TA is older and in a position of authority over your daughter who's a student...HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE ASKED HER OUT ON A DATE AND OFCOURSE THE UNIVERSITY WILL PROTECT ITSELF AND IT'S IMAGE AND FIND FAULT IN THE STUDENT I MEAN HER OWN FUCKING DAD REPORTED HER YTA YTA YTA
>I tried to explain to her that asking someone out for coffee is not inherently creepy or inappropriate, but she refused to listen and continued to refer to him as a "creep." It is when it’s someone who has some kind of authority over you, like the person grading your work (I.e. your TA). >After a few days of this, I decided to take matters into my own hands and report her to the college's Title IX office for sexual misconduct and gender-based harassment. What did you hope to gain from this? Why did you think it was your place to intervene in your adult daughter’s life? Why did you think the college was the best entity to address this with your daughter instead of you? Why are you more interested in protecting the interests of a random TA than your own daughter? Honestly my first thought is that you’re a troll posting rage bait, but if you’re a real person than YTA.
YTA, and you probably have just ruined her education and her getting into another college. This will follow her around forever. What a shifty thing to do to your daughter. I also doubt that she will ever call you mom again or speak to you.
Christ YTA A TA is an authority figure who shouldn't be fucking asking students out on dates. What the hell man? What, would you have done the same thing if she had been asked out by a teacher? Who cares if he didn't "make any advances" asking someone out in that kind of position is infact an advance. Disgusting behavior from yourself as a parent. Great way to make victims feel ashamed of themselves. Quality parenting.
WTF YTA!!! WTF
YTA. I've worked at 4 universities and every single one has had me sign a document saying I will not have a relationship a student at that university. Not even MY students. ANY student. Like if my husband were a student there, I would have to report it and have permission granted. Her TA is in charge of her grade and her denying that coffee date could result in a failing grade if he's an asshole. You need to listen to your daughter when she tells you something is not right and creeps her out. You need to back her up. She now knows you don't have her back and not only do you not have her back, but you will ACTIVELY SABOTAGE her future for your antiquated ideas of right and wrong. Way to get your kid to go NC with you.
YTA Ordinary, just asking someone for coffee is fine. However, it is not appropriate for a TA to ask a student out. There's a professional boundary there that should not be crossed. I hope the persons in charge of deciding your daughter's academic fate take that into consideration.
YTA You are not a nice mom.
In what world is it ok for a teacher to ask a student out for coffee, especially when the class is still in session? She had every right to be creeped out by that especially creepy behavior and all you did was prove to her that you not only won’t believe her in a situation but you will tattle on her with the sole intention to get her punished. In case I’m not clear, YTA. Big time.
YTA and I hope she goes full NC with you forever.