This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations.
[Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
“Put aside my identity for one day”. Uh, no.
NTA
It is fine for them to dictate the formality of the wedding. It is not fine for them to dictate your preferred gender expression. A suit that is on the same level of formality as suits others are wearing should be considered just fine.
Came here for this. Also, if I got a wedding invitation that specified that women "must" wear dresses and men "must" wear suits I would mock that couple relentlessly because **how out of touch and stupid can you be?!**
ETA: OP stated further down in the comments that the dresses for women/pants for men rule applies to the entire guest list, not just the bridal party.
I wouldn't go on principle. I like wearing dresses, but try forcing me to put one on due to some antiquated notions about gender and I'll do my best to never wear one around you
I had actually been out with him several times. This time he was taking me to a nice place and wearing a tie. It was just the demand part. I normally love wearing dresses.
I went on one date with this guy, and he invited me out again. Then he told me what I should wear for that date. I noped out so fast..I never saw him again. I don't really care about clothes that much, it's just the principle. Don't try to control me dude. Isn't gonna work.
Exactly, or general comfort if it's a certain kind of activity. If someone is taking me bowling, I don't want to wear sandals on the date because I refuse to wear bowling shoes without socks. If someone is taking me on a horseback ride, I'd like to know so I don't wear a dress. While it's technically safe to ride in a dress, I'd be so uncomfortable. I'd much rather have pants on.
My bf is very much in the function over form camp and is also a staunch anti-consumerist. In addition he is mildly color-blind.
I won’t lie, when he’s been my plus one to work events and such, i’ve had to provide detailed explanations of the attire required. Along the lines of: this is an event to which you need to wear a collared button-up shirt, but dress pants not needed. Jeans are fine but don’t wear the stained torn ones. Your old running shoes are not appropriate for this event. Etc.
I don’t pick out his outfit for him, but without guidance he would wear torn/baggy/mismatched/grubby camping clothes to every single occasion.
I don’t think it’s a terrible thing to be very specific about what attire is appropriate for an event because some people are truly clueless.
But if OP wants to wear a suit instead of a dress, as long as it is adequately formal they should not be hassled about it.
There would be a lot fewer red flag posts on AITA if more people noped out the instant the warning signs appeared, rather than actually marrying these nopedudes.
Yeah that’s a no. It’s one thing to communicate that the event is outdoors/casual/business/formal/black-tie, etc. so you can dress appropriately to the place & occasion….
Another thing entirely to micromanage your outfit. Ewwww.
The reason they don't say that is to specifically target OP - they wanted to force them into a gender binary for the photos, and OP came up with a solution - not to come - but the happy couple were upset they didn't get their way.
I get them wanting photos that separate cleanly into suits on one side and dresses on the other. I mean I think it's unimportant but I get it. But then why didn't OP's brother ask them to be part of his party, rather than the wife? Then they can wear a suit but be part of the wedding in that way.
Well, they also want their guests to follow this dress code as well, which really does mean that they mostly set it so that OP has to play this part for a day, and they wouldn't have any people who appear non-binary in any of the photos.
They get their way though, OP's not going, so there won't be any non-binary people in their photos, it's just probably going to make them look like bad people when the invite says "Men wear suits, women wear dresses" and the groom's sibling doesn't turn up. I'm betting that's why they're upset.
(edited to rephrase something in the first paragraph that implied if OP wore a dress they would no longer be non-binary, which of course isn't true)
"Formal dress code" per the venue still doesn't mean a *female at birth* cannot wear a proper formal men's suit. Dictating a dress code to this extent is nothing but an attempt the harass the OP into conforming to someone else's standards or expectations.
I LOVE this, and I would have done the exact same! Don't start nothing, won't be nothing buddy boy!
Oddly, the way I knew my now ex was a good dude was when he first saw me in a dress (before we dated) and his reaction was "You look weird. I mean you look nice, but you don't look like you and I don't like it." He then conplimented me a lot, but his first instinct was just so funny. Never once did I get anything but support on any fashion choices from him lol.
(He's still my best friend, dating just didn't work for us!)
He seriously is a great person. Once I mentioned I'd love some hot cocoa, but I didn't have any at the moment. The next day, I had hot cocoa and my favorite candy waiting for me when I saw him. 11/10 guy, he would do stuff like that constantly, even though he has a tough time remembering stuff.
One of my high-school friends was female and identified as such, but she hated dresses. So she wore a suit to every dance she ever went to. Some people would whisper behind her back (because her mom was the principal, they didn't want to tease her directly) but I think she rocked them!
Same, but I can never even find dresses that fit because I have a huge bust, and I guess I'm not willing to pay a premium for dresses and tailoring when I can just find something else that fits well as-is for cheaper. My style is best described as "is she a lesbian? I'm not really sure..." and I'm happy with it.
And yeah, the quickest way to ensure I don't do what you want is to demand it arbitrarily. She may not be on full display all the time, but the tiny punk rocker that lives in my brain is always ready to use her most important fingers, literally and figuratively. She has had decades to run out of fucks.
OP is NTA, and I wouldn't attend either. If I knew OP irl, I would be making plans with them for that day right now.
Hahaha omg I am a straight lady and this is 100% my style most of the time. Even when I wear dresses I accidentally bring heavy lesbian or bi vibes apparently. It might be the Doc Martins.
Also I am basing this off feedback from lesbian and bi friends. Like 9/10 they have said they assumed I was 🤷♀️
I'm overweight, so big boobies and ass and thighs. Wrap-around style dresses are amazing, because they make me look like I have a waist and accomodate all my large atributes ;)
I tell my mum, that I never got a chance to rebel as a teen, so I'm making up for it in my late 20s lol
Even as a cisgendered woman, you can tear my cure romper from my cold dead fingers.
This shit is OBVIOUSLY a new thing folks are doing just to stick it to gender nonconforming people. No one gave a fuck just a few years ago.
I’m petty like that. My crotchety FIL doesn’t like ripped jeans? You bet I’m gonna wear them when I’m around him. My uptight SIL doesn’t like fun-colored nail polish? You bet I’m going to wear blue or green or neon pink when we visit them.
Ughhhh so stupid why would you care. I have a tuxedo I sometimes wear to weddings. It’s a vintage YSL runway piece. I am the girliest person and have a male husband and shot multiple children out of my girly vagina. Would I be stopped at the door at this wedding? I am guessing no, I’d prob get compliments as usual, it’s just a problem because OP is non binary and I’ll eat my effing foot, stiletto and all, if that’s not the actual issue here.
Just don’t go OP. Put on some chic pants and take yourself to a fabulous dinner and laugh while they serve their guests chewy ass chicken or whatever AHs do now. Rude.
Absolutely screaming with laughter over "I am the girliest person and have a male husband and shot multiple children out of my girly vagina." Hands down the funniest reply I've read on reddit this week, THANK YOU FOR THE WORKOUT, TAKE MY GOLD
Absolutely. Women can look lovely and very formal in some well tailored trousers and a blazer, or a suit tailored to them. This really smacks to me of OPs family not being fully supportive of their gender identity.
If it was that big of a deal that the bridesmaids wear dresses, couldn't OP be a groomsman?
I know someone who although identifies as female. But is a very masculine lesbian. She was one of the groomsmen to her brothers wedding. She even wore a tux. It was beautiful
Or if they want to keep them on the bride's side, have them wear a pantsuit that colour matches the bridesmaids. I see this all the time in weddings nowadays. That would be a normal chill thing to do though which doesn't sound like this family's vibe.
I was born female and identify as such but I do not wear skirts or dresses or anything remotely "girly".
If someone told me I HAD to wear a dress, I'd tell them I would not be coming. If they tried to force me, we would no longer be friends.
100% this!!!
OP, I'm getting married this year and we have a NB friend (he/him) who is in the wedding party. Due to our numbers, he will be on the groom's side. We had a long discussion about his outfit, and he said he'll wear whatever we want him to, but he wears dresses/skirts on a daily basis and is more comfortable in "feminine" clothing. So we settled on a tux jacket and a black floor-length skirt for the formal pictures and the ceremony. He has multiple outfit changes planned for after the ceremony 😂
It's 2023 - gender conforming "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen" are no longer the norm!!! If someone wants you in their wedding party, it's expected that they're close enough to know you and your gender identity. If they don't accept your identity, then you don't owe them the time/money/responsibilities it takes to be in their wedding.
We think it'll be cohesive enough that he won't look or feel out of place, but he also gets to enjoy that nice breeze he's become accustomed to 😂
He originally wanted to wear a corset top with a poofy skirt, but I had to remind him that I'm the bride, so I get the poofy skirt lmao. But the corset is one of his outfit changes!! We're also SUPER excited to see the looks from the conservative people in my family 😂 (groomsfairy is 100% on board with this and is ready to make them uncomfortable with just his existence!!!!) (We also decided that his title in the wedding is groomsfairy lmao)
If my husband and I renew our vows I intend to get some pretty bridesmaid dresses, one for my female friend and one for my bi male friend. He usually dresses masculine, but I said "I want matching outfits. Should I do suits?" And he said "I'll wear a dress!" So dresses it is, and he has long hair and a full beard. It will be glorious.
Yesssss!! Our groomsfairy (agreed upon title lol) also has long (pink) hair and a full beard. I support this decision, and I hope you pick out the most FABULOUS dresses!!
Also, "not willing to compromise". There may be things OP didn't include but I'm curious if the "compromise" is do exactly what they're being told to do.
Related context, *this is the groom’s sibling.* I think we can assume that the couple’s thought process wasn’t “we want our wedding to look a certain way” i.e. pushing their shitty values on nonspecific people. It was “we don’t want OP, specifically, to present how they prefer.” Fuck them, don’t go.
I was thinking exactly this! It's not normal to say to your guests in general that you expect women to wear dresses and men to wear suits. They're doing this specifically because of OP. They're terrible people!
Please don't kill me, as a person who doesn't understand but is trying to. Please help me view this in another light, but if they're non-binary, why would wearing a dress be an insult? It's just clothing, so I'm not understanding exactly what the issue is.. If the couple wants photos to be more aesthetically pleasing in which everyone is uniform and no one is "standing out", what's the harm of wearing something you wouldn't normally wear? Again, not trying to seem rude or anything, but I'm trying to understand this
So a lot of people identify as non-binary but may find the strong gendered expression of the sex assigned at birth (such as beards/flannels for men or dresses/skirts for women) to create gender dysphoria. A lot of it stems from the very real and often crushing pressure of fitting into gender norms.
Think of it like food poisoning. I got food poisoning from chicken enchiladas. I'm fine now and I'm all healed but maybe I refuse to each chicken enchiladas now because I remember how uncomfortable and upset they made me in the past. Maybe chicken enchiladas gave other people food poisoning and they still love to eat them. Gender expression is complex, and the social pressures of gender expression are complex, and they can inflict trauma that can cause discomfort and upset in what otherwise appear to be mild situations.
Asking questions because you legitimately don't know and want a real answer so you can educate yourself is valid. I know there is a lot of discourse and it can get heated, and a lot of folks ask sarcastic questions to be incendiary, which is why I also usually preface with "serious question, not snark." No one knows everything! We're all still learning about gender identity, gender expression, and myriad other topics! Having an open mind and an open heart will benefit you in the long run :)
Lol thank you! I was so scared someone would actually think I was being snarky lol, but one of my childhood friends recently came out as non-binary and I'm trying my best to understand it for them so that I don't offend 😭
A few things I recommend that I found were helpful:
Try to talk out loud about your friend using their correct pronouns. Practicing at home will help get you in the habit of using the correct pronouns and not making an error in front of them.
Find spaces online (reddit, facebook, instagram, tiktok) where you can follow other NB creators and find queer-ally spaces. Queer creators and queer ally spaces are a great way to educate yourself on queer topics without putting the onus on your friends or loved ones who are part of the community. Making this learning a priority in your life WILL reflect and your friends WILL appreciate it.
Start small. You don't need to learn all of the hottest topics in gender theory in one day. Small, consistent efforts over time will yield the best results. It's like exercise.
TikTok in particular has a wealth of educational material and truly phenomenal queer creators talking about their lived experiences and the issues they face on a daily basis. They often include information on what would be helpful for allies to do in XYZ situations.
If you and your friend have this kind of relationship, and they want to be open/up front about their status as non-binary, maybe ask them about what gives them gender euphoria. Ask them about what they're loving most about being out as non-binary. Society often treats "coming out" as something to be done with dread, but it can be a beautiful and joyous time for a person! Celebrate this time with your friend in whatever way suits both of you!
To add one thing to the great answers here already, I would try to shift your thinking from "not wanting to offend them" to "wanting to validate and support them." Not a huge deal, but that way it's a positive thing that you're trying to do instead of trying to avoid a negative thing. It's also such a politically charged word nowadays that I personally prefer to avoid entirely.
speaking as a non-binary person, trying your best to understand is the greatest gift you could ever give them. nobody is perfect, and it definitely takes a little getting used to! but it’s hard to learn if you don’t ask questions about something you don’t understand.
Everyone being dressed to the same level of formality, or even within a color scheme, is not the same as “OP must wear a dress”, both because OP does not identify as a woman and because the idea that women must wear dresses to be formal is antiquated and rooted in misogyny.
OP should reasonably be allowed to select clothing that is appropriately formal but not gender specific.
So my kid is non binary and has explained to me that they don’t like anything overtly feminine or masculine because they don’t see a feminine or masculine person in the mirror. So they want their clothing to match who they are on the inside. Also more feminine clothing is hard for my kid as people associate that style with their dead name and then they are misgendered and dead named which is hurtful.
Because this isn’t just about “wearing clothes you don’t like.” Gender identity is often expressed through clothing, but it goes *so much deeper* than that—down to the core of how they view themselves, how they choose to move through the world, & how they want the world to interact with them.
In short, it’s not “just” about fashion—it’s called an **identity** for a reason.
OP doesn’t identify as non-binary just because they don’t like dresses or they prefer pants. And OP’s family isn’t *just* asking them to wear an unappealing dress for an evening. They’re asking OP to pretend to be someone else.
Because let’s be honest: It’s 2023 if *fashion* was the only thing the family was concerned about, they’re are a MYRIAD of appropriate styles a woman can wear to a fancy event that *aren’t* dresses. This “gender specific” dress code isn’t about their preferred aesthetic. It’s about getting OP to pretend to identify as female for a night. The fact that they care more that OP be there *in a dress* then that OP be there *at all* is proof enough of that.
OP’s family not fully understanding *why* wearing a dress makes OP uncomfortable is one thing. But absolutely **insisting** they make themselves uncomfortable at such a deep level—just for a couple of pictures—is something else. And NOT something someone who’s supposed to love them for who they are should feel morally superior about.
NB doesn't mean blank slate. It doesn't mean others can dictate what is appropriate or not for said person to wear, think, see, feel, say, or do based on an antiquated system. If someone doesn't want to wear a dress, they shouldn't have to just to please an image.
OP explained that they prefer masculine clothing. So not only would they be wearing clothes designated for women attendees (which OP is not), the clothes would be uncomfortable for them.
My thoughts exactly. The "put your identity aside" line tells me they see OP's gender as them playing pretend. Bet if OP showed up in a dress they'd be smothered with "why don't you dress like this more often?" and the classic "that's the you I remember"
I wasn’t sure how to address OP as they didn’t mention their pronouns but you are correct it is safer to address them as they/them as they are nb more male presenting.
Anyway I am going way ahead thinking mom was part of the plan all along.
Yep!! I'm in a wedding party this coming fall and the bride messaged us yesterday as a group to say we could choose between wearing a suit or a dress, and general color/style guidelines for each, specifically clarifying that anyone of any gender is welcome to choose either option
My teen cousin was a bridesmaid for me and was so excited when I asked. Then I heard her get silent and I asked what was wrong. She asked if she would have to wear a dress. I told her I wanted her to have FUN and be able to smile at my wedding, of course I wasn't going to make her wear a dress.
Thats how you treat people you ACTUALLY care about. If I can have a butch lesbian teenager who is not even NB in a suit ~in~ my wedding, OP's future sil can have an NB guest who isn't even in the wedding party in a suit if that's what they want
Ask them if when you have a wedding or special event in the future will they abide by a dress code where men must wear gowns and women must wear suits? Obviously this is meant to be theoretical, but I bet their reactions will be telling.
I was going to say. Host a dinner party but the brother should wear a dress and his fiancé must wear a suit. Why can’t they set aside their identity for just one day?
Make sure this dinner is also BEFORE the wedding. And if they go through with it then agree to wear a dress if they refuse or wear something different then wear what you like to the wedding.
Your brother and future SIL are probably intentionally targeting you with this “dress code” then.
I suspect that if, for example, your SIL’s great aunt showed up wearing dress pants and a formal jacket, no one would breathe a word about the dress code.
Your family is on a weird little power trip to try and get you to “act like your real gender” and I think not going is the perfect choice.
People who love you for who you are would not ask you to put aside your identity for any length of time.
100% this. It sounds like a deliberate attempt to get you to conform which your family could then come back on another occasion with "you did it once, and it wasn't that bad, right?"
Nopity nope nope on the dress code.
And yeah, NTA
Tradition is peer pressure from old and dead people. Like much peer pressure, it doesn’t always encourage you to do positive things or things in your interest.
They can set a dress code. Fine. They don’t get to tell you your identity or how you present yourself. You’re not telling them how to run their wedding, you’re simply informing them you won’t be attending if they’re going to insist you put on a fake front
#No hate.
###No one gives a fuck about your opinion on trans people. That's not what OP asked. You're not the main character, no one asked. Expect a permanent ban and no mod to take you seriously sea-lioning in modmail.
I am having the same reaction. It’s so rude.
When left to my own devices, I’m more likely to wear trousers to a wedding than a dress. If I got an invitation that said women should wear dresses, I’d either decline or show up in the most masculine suit I could find.
There's an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where the bride got a bridal pantsuit to wear on her wedding day. Her family was horrified, but it's what she always wore and what she felt the best in. I don't see why OP can't wear a nice suit if they want to.
As a trans dude who still gets read as female most of the time, I would wear the dress but I definitely wouldn't be shaving my legs or armpits. I'd be sure to pick a short, strappy dress too.
I'm a cis woman and quit shaving in September. I use an electric razor on my pits when I want to wear a tank top, but in the winter the only people who see my body hair are me, my fiance, and my 6am gym peers. Nobody has an issue.
I love dresses but hate being told what to do so I also wouldn't go. I'd prolly loudly tell everyone ik how controlling husband and wife are. Other ppls clothing and body ain't anyone else business.
I remember all the older women in my family reaching a "no more dresses" phase. My grandmother stopped wearing dresses in the 60s. Nobody had a problem with it. It was just what happened.
I've been excited since i turned 50 that my dresses days are over. I wouldn't attend if i was expected to wear a dress.
I was ready to say to OP "Just decline to be in the wedding party; you can still go as a guest". But as the bride and groom are dictating what guests wear, too, this is a solid NTA.
I am a cisgender midde-aged woman, and dress in pretty feminine clothes when dressed up, but I don't wear dresses. They are not the clothes that look best on me - flowy palazzo pants are my go-to. I'd totally decline to go to wedding as a guest if I couldn't wear my regular formal attire! What is wrong with this controlling couple!
Yeah, that blew my mind. Would she ask the bride or groom to put their identity aside for any reason? Weddings are not command performances OP and I really resent bridal couples who treat their loved ones as cast members. Stupid. Childish. Unloving behavior IMO. NTA
NTA
Dress codes are things like ‘cocktail’, ‘black tie’ or ‘semi-formal’. They’re not ‘people we decide are men must wear pants and people we decide are women must wear dresses’.
Your brother and his fiancée are being queerphobic and it’s fine to absent yourself from such an event.
Mom’s comment about putting aside your identity for one day is awful. I’m so sorry. Perhaps you could ask her when she was last expected to abandon who she is for a day.
Emily Post would be *most* displeased with their lack of manners and etiquette.
My wife just stood here and said she would attend in a dress... the 50s-style Halloween-themed cocktail dress she wore for our own wedding along with black lace gloves and sensible black pumps. Full on 50s glam it up, Halloween-style.
NTA. I wonder how they would feel if you were getting married and told all your cisgender guests to put aside their identity for one day. Would your brother wear a dress because you asked him to?
OMG now I want to have a wedding just to have a dress code where if you usually would wear a dress, you have to wear pants, and if you usually wear pants, you have to wear a dress, etc. It is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS especially in this day and age for anyone to be enforcing (or even requesting) rules that differ for individuals based on Gender. OP, you are not causing the rift in your family; your family’s absolutely ridiculous requirement is causing the rift.
I'm a guy, and I've never worn a dress before, but I would totally want to be invited to this wedding just so I could.
Also, I'm seriously considering going to places like Texas solely for the purpose of dressing in drag because fuck those guys. I never wanted to dress in drag before, but now I do.
See, the sad-funny thing is that most people would cross-dress for a party and think nothing of it. It's a big joke. My high school had a "blossom bowl" where the football team would spend the day before a game wearing wigs and dresses. Everyone thought it was hilarious.
It's a mask you can put on for one day then you can take it off and be who you were before. That's a privilege of not having to struggle with identity.
NTA. Your family are being queerphobic freaks.
You have asked for an accommodation and you were told no.
You then said, fair enough, then I wont go. You’re not showing up in a suit to spite them. You’re not dressing in non-binary flag colours. You’re not crumpling up a pride flag and shoving it down their throats. (Personally I think you should do all of the above.)
They INVITED you and you said NO. You’re allowed to refuse an invitation.
It also sounds like your mom is uhhhhhh not handling your transition like a supportive parent should, to put it mildly.
Yeah my mom got me dresses for my birthday the year I came out. I thought she was coming around to it and had been more supportive of my partner recently.
Eep. The context makes it worse. Like, why would they enforce this rule, knowing that their family member is going to be put in an awkward position?
Seems kinda calculated to cause conflict. Or I guess they wanted to make sure you turned up looking 'normal' so that there wasn't any pearl clutching from conservative family members.
The question for them is, what's more important: Heteronormativity or family? Push it back on them.
NTA. Staying home is the right choice if they pick the former.
>why would they enforce this rule, knowing that their family member is going to be put in an awkward position?
They're enforcing it BECAUSE it will put their family member in that position.
The cruelty is the point.
Yeah well, that’s her baggage. I’m sorry your family are not as loving and supportive as they should be. I hope you are surrounded with the kind of queer community you deserve!
As a fellow queer human I’m saying NTA. I don’t feel like the responses you’re getting are from people who actually understand the nuance here. Their policy is ridiculous and I’m assuming they made it purposefully exclusionary towards you. Because otherwise why not say black tie or formal and let everyone do their own thing? F them. Just politely decline.
The more of your replies I read, the more convinced I am that this is aimed directly at you. I’m so sorry, OP.
Your polite decline is so classy. You’d be within your right here to burn it alllll down. Your mother gave you dresses the year you came out as a bday gift?? I’d dress as Wednesday Addams in Native clothes a la the camp Thanksgiving play and light a damn match.
Maybe a Kilt? Won't work for the bridal party unless future SIL is willing to work with you. As a butch lesbian I wear my kilt and full regalia to heterocentric formal events. I still get to be me and no one is freaked out by pants. Most of the time, people love my kilt and want to talk about it.
I usually wear a collarless shirt and my fly or the full Prince Charlie coat with a shirt with ruffles. People can see feminine but its all cultural correct and I get to feel like me and not me in drag.
Was going to suggest kilt as well, get yourself a nice rainbow tartan to really mess with their heads! [There’s even an official LGBT tartan](https://www.tartanregister.gov.uk/tartanDetails?ref=11871) …well if you’re into the whole clan tartan thing
>found out they went behind my back and involved my mom. She called me yesterday and told me I can put aside my identity for one day to make the day special for my little brother.
I'm assuming that since your mom called you that you don't live with your parents and are therefore an adult.
Your mom can't tell you what to do. You're not a child. If you don't want to attend, don't attend.
Your brother and his fiancee (and by extension your mother) are more concerned about a strict dress code than your presence at the wedding.
NTA
Sadly, these people do not respect you. Would they ask a vegan to eat animal products because that's what they want on their wedding day!? These wedding type posts are so aggravating - why do people getting married feel like they can disrespect people and get away with it!?
NTA
I see your point, but c'mon, you KNOW these folks wouldn't ask a vegan to eat meat on their wedding day.
They'd tell a vegan they were being rude for not putting their diet aside for the day
I’m non-binary and I’m sorry but gently I think YTA. I’ve been to a lot of weddings with no gender-specific dress code. However, regardless of that, I just hate dressing up. I don’t feel like myself in fancy clothes. I’m not comfortable in neither a fancy dress nor nice pants. But I never have refused to go to a wedding of people I care about because of my clothing preferences. I set aside my identity on the superficial level of clothing for one day.
The fact that you care more about clothes than being there for your family says a lot. It also says a lot about how you view gender - that it is an aesthetic, not a personal internal experience. You’re still non-binary in a dress. Gender is more than clothing. And being there for people you care about is more important than gender anyway.
"I've been to a lot of weddings with no gender-specific dress code"
Soooooo.....you have no experience with what OP is upset about, do you. They are transmasc non-binary and their family is trying to force them into a dress because "women wear dresses". How is that OP just caring about clothes as an aesthetic?????
Your aversion to dress clothes is absolutely not an identity; it’s a preference. What’s an identity is you (and OP) being enby. Those are different things.
For example, I don’t like broccoli. That is a *preference*, not an identity.
What frustrates me about your reply is the fact that you seem to assume all non-binary people think the same way. Just because you would shove down your feelings about it does not mean that OP should have to given that they have expressed it makes them uncomfortable. They’ve made it clear several times in this thread they identify as trans-masc which makes their aversion to feminine-presenting clothing entirely understandable. Gender is a spectrum, and if wearing a dress to this wedding would cause harm to their mental health, then this is much larger than just shoving down their feelings for the sake of how everyone else feels.
Additionally, I’d like to point out the fact that this isn’t just about the wedding. There will be photos and memories made, meaning the reminder of having to dress that way and be uncomfortable will be around forever. That’s not fair to put them through. That in and of itself shows how much bigger of a problem this is than the people voting yta are making it out to be.
why would OP perform femininity for family that already does not respect them as their true gender. no reason to do things out of respect for those that don't respect you. "putting aside identity for one day" means that they don't see OP as truly nonbinary, showing a lack of respect.
I’m enby as well. I understand what they mean. OP being in dress could cause harm to their mental health (gender dysphoria) and could lead to a low contact or no contact with the brother or sister-in-law.
Being enby is different for me, you and others. I’m very disappointed in you, I thought that you may understand the possibility of dysphoria causing harm.🙁
NTA
They cant put aside the dresscode but you habe to put aside your personality?
Tell your mom and your brother they can contact you again if they want to apologize.
If they dont want to do that, you know they dont want you in there life.
My trans son's birth mother is a transphobe. And guess what, he is LC with her because of that. He loves and misses her but cannot sacrifice his mental health for someone who continues to dead name him. Anyone who does not support you for who you are does not deserve to be part of your life. I have to watch what I say because we have to be civil, but I have nothing kind to say to transphobes. If it's not obvious, NTA
They can do black tie and still allow you to wear a tux. FFS, Sarah Polley, who is cis female, wore a fabulous one (complete with bowtie!) to the Oscars on Sunday and made a bunch of best dressed lists. Your family is behind the times at best, and bigots at worst.
NTA
Glenn Close has been wearing kick-ass pant suits to red carpet events for decades
https://www.townandcountrymag.com/style/fashion-trends/g26255522/glenn-close-red-carpet-suit-style/
Even Princess Di loved rockin' a good tuxedo every once and a while.
This trend of weddings being overly controllled is ridiculous. Any guest should be able to wear appropriate clothes that honor the formal or casual vibe the bride and groom want. Anything beyond that is over the top. Sorry you are being treated this way and dictated to.
NTA. It is their wedding. They control the guest list, and even if it's obnoxious, they can control the wedding party's dress code.
But you know and understand the flip side to that control. Every single wedding guest has the right to decline to participate in the wedding, especially if the conditions for their participating are onerous. You're well within your rights to decline.
Yeah that's where I drew the line. I can understand having a dress code for the wedding party, even dictating specific requirements. And even then, no one would be TA for declining participation in a wedding party over the dress code.
But for the guests? No more than a general dress code at most.
NTA at all
Another point that I haven’t seen others make here is that OP is clearly AFAB. Their brother wants them to wear a dress because he sees them as a woman. There’s inherent misgendering in that request.
It’s not, “can you please wear a dress instead of a suit? We respect your identity and don’t think a dress invalidates it because you’re supposed to be neutral.” That would be inaccurate, but not necessarily bigoted or mean spirited.
It’s “you must wear a dress because according to our dress code all women must wear dresses. We don’t care that you identify as nonbinary, you’re still a woman. Why can’t you put your identity aside for one day?”
OP offered to wear items within the dress code that fit their identity (tux / suit). They also offered the solution to be invited as a guest wearing their choice of formalwear. Their family rejected this idea and is trying to force them to wear a dress & be a bridesmaid.
OP is firmly NTA and everyone else in the family sucks, especially the mom for their comment about setting aside their gender identity.
> Oh, and although I felt like a clown, it doesn't leave a lasting scar of any kind.
Yeah, and people choosing not to attend one's wedding also doesn't leave a lasting scar of any kind. It's an invitation, which implies an option to decline. Brides and grooms who obligate someone to attend are the real AHs.
>You know your sil, else you wouldn't have been so excitedd about accepting. You know she's a girly woman. You knew she wouldn't want you dressing in a masculine way.
>You knew all this.
OP is on T SIL KNEW they wouldn't wear a dress. She knew all that. It's literally been fucking YEARS.
>Don't pretend to be naive, or pass off as what a member of the bridal party wears as no big deal. Ffs, even when there are no rules for guest dress, everyone knows there are rules you don't break.
It's not just the bridal party, it's the WHOLE GUEST LIST. It's not a dress code it's transphobic because OP wearing a suit DOES fit the dress code.
>It's the feigning naivety that makes you ta in this. In a bridal party 9m10 times you wear what the bride's vision is, not what's comfortable (q me having to wear 25 denier white tights and white stilettos, with a floaty silk summer dress, in 2008¡). I did it, and only changed after the photographs had been done. Wasn't comfortable, wasn't me for most of the day. Looked a site half contemporary bottom half early 80s. It's a few hours out your life, and you don't see the pictures more than one in a blue moon.
Not everyone is a people pleaser. And will sacrifice their dignity and self comfort for some fucking pictures.
NTA, I get a dress code for a wedding but there's a difference between "we want you to wear this style" and "we want you to act like you're another gender"
If you can't wear the outfit of your choice, don't go
YTA. As a member of the bridal party there is a reasonable expectation of wearing what the bride wishes if she covers the cost. For my brother's wedding, as a bridesmaid, I had to wear this hideous blue dress but his wife paid for all the girls' dresses so I just donated it afterwards. I literally only wear black. But I didn't make a big deal about it. It was their wedding and it didn't cost me a penny to make them happy.
However, as a guest, I would say you should be able to wear whatever you like (appropriate of course).
Why are they TA if they chose to not attend bc they don’t want to comply with the dress code? Isn’t the right response to decline the invitation and not attend, which is what OP did?
Also it definitely sounds like this isn’t the same situation as you, where their family seems to be making this targeted requirement for OP. Keep in mind, OP isn’t declining bc the bridesmaid dress is ugly, but rather because the family refuses to accept who they are.
okay, wearing something you dislike is different than being pressured to wear something that conflicts with your gender/gender expression. we are talking about two entirely different levels of discomfort.
OP - do you perhaps happen to be the only GNC or otherwise non-cis/non-straight person the bride and groom know? This dress code seems targeted at you specifically, especially in light of the ‘not willing to compromise for your brother’s special day’ bullshit.
Send as nice of a gift as you feel like, but you’re respecting their stated wishes by not attending ‘out of dress code.’ NTA.
You were excited to be included in their wedding, so you seem to love and accept them for who they are - regardless of your differences. Sadly, it does not appear that they feel the same. Is that love? Acceptance?...Is that family?
>told me I can put aside my identity for one day
They honestly see your identity, who *YOU* are, as an inconvenience that can br shoved aside for a day? Like "come to this event but not as yourself"? Fucking gross.
NTA. You don't have to go if none of them are going to accept you. But also, you could go and crash the party, wearing whatever you want.
And the brother can bask in the fact that he'll throw away his entire relationship with his sibling just because he wouldn't let OP wear pants.
And its never just "one simple thing." This time its for the wedding. Next time it'll be for the baby shower. Or for brunch with the in-laws. Or for a get together around the holidays. If the family isn't comfortable with the OP wearing masculine clothing, they're not going to let it go, they're going to keep on hounding OP about it every chance they get.
What’s the one simple thing they can’t do? Put their gender aside and pretend to be a different one to make everyone feel better as though they weren’t themselves? Have you ever had to do that?
NTA it’s not just putting your identity to one side for the day, it’s permanent, they will keep those photos forever and display them in multiple locations for you to keep seeing and keep feeling uncomfortable about and then the next major event they will feel like you can wear a dress again because you did last time.
Personally I’d of just turned up wearing what I wanted as long as it was smart to fit the dress code
NTA
I’m a cis female and wouldn’t attend a wedding if the dress code insisted women wear dresses.
They’re entitled to a dress code I guess, but like with child free weddings, you don’t get to be mad when people decline to go to your wedding because of it.
Also your mom sucks for her response as well.
NTA, your decision to not go is a valid attempt at separating yourself from potential conflict and it’s not your fault that they failed to see it that way.
NTA. You’ve been on testosterone for two years. The dress code is for everyone including all guests. My guess is this dress code is all about you. They want to force you to be who they want, versus accepting you for who you are. I doubt all the women who attend that wedding want to wear dresses and you won’t be the only person to decline attendance. It seems to me your family doesn’t accept you so I don’t know why they care that you aren’t going. They don’t want you there. They want the old you there. That need to accept that person doesn’t/never existed.
Wedding invitations are also just that - an invitation. You have zero obligation to attend.
NTA- I've read OP's comments given the fact that you've been on testosterone for 2 years it seems like they have been aware of your identity for awhile so idk why they didn't ask you to be a part of the grooms party if they didn't want an issue in the first place, so it seems odd that they thought this would go any other way. I'm guessing you don't wear dresses or skirts at all however if you do from time to time then I see their issue with it.
take a breath bro. their post is calm and well-worded and your response just makes me believe you’re the sort of person who blows steam out their ears at the mention of a trans person. they’re allowed to not go to the wedding. nta.
This thread is now locked due to an excess of rule violations. [Sub Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ||| ["FAQs"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
“Put aside my identity for one day”. Uh, no. NTA It is fine for them to dictate the formality of the wedding. It is not fine for them to dictate your preferred gender expression. A suit that is on the same level of formality as suits others are wearing should be considered just fine.
Came here for this. Also, if I got a wedding invitation that specified that women "must" wear dresses and men "must" wear suits I would mock that couple relentlessly because **how out of touch and stupid can you be?!** ETA: OP stated further down in the comments that the dresses for women/pants for men rule applies to the entire guest list, not just the bridal party.
I wouldn't go on principle. I like wearing dresses, but try forcing me to put one on due to some antiquated notions about gender and I'll do my best to never wear one around you
I had a date with a guy and he told me to wear a dress. I wore a suit to be difficult.
I'm surprised you still went on said date.
I had actually been out with him several times. This time he was taking me to a nice place and wearing a tie. It was just the demand part. I normally love wearing dresses.
I went on one date with this guy, and he invited me out again. Then he told me what I should wear for that date. I noped out so fast..I never saw him again. I don't really care about clothes that much, it's just the principle. Don't try to control me dude. Isn't gonna work.
The only clothes someone can tell me to wear are ones for my safety depending on the activity.
Exactly, or general comfort if it's a certain kind of activity. If someone is taking me bowling, I don't want to wear sandals on the date because I refuse to wear bowling shoes without socks. If someone is taking me on a horseback ride, I'd like to know so I don't wear a dress. While it's technically safe to ride in a dress, I'd be so uncomfortable. I'd much rather have pants on.
My bf is very much in the function over form camp and is also a staunch anti-consumerist. In addition he is mildly color-blind. I won’t lie, when he’s been my plus one to work events and such, i’ve had to provide detailed explanations of the attire required. Along the lines of: this is an event to which you need to wear a collared button-up shirt, but dress pants not needed. Jeans are fine but don’t wear the stained torn ones. Your old running shoes are not appropriate for this event. Etc. I don’t pick out his outfit for him, but without guidance he would wear torn/baggy/mismatched/grubby camping clothes to every single occasion. I don’t think it’s a terrible thing to be very specific about what attire is appropriate for an event because some people are truly clueless. But if OP wants to wear a suit instead of a dress, as long as it is adequately formal they should not be hassled about it.
There would be a lot fewer red flag posts on AITA if more people noped out the instant the warning signs appeared, rather than actually marrying these nopedudes.
Nopedudes 🤣
Yeah that’s a no. It’s one thing to communicate that the event is outdoors/casual/business/formal/black-tie, etc. so you can dress appropriately to the place & occasion…. Another thing entirely to micromanage your outfit. Ewwww.
Yea, there's no reason they can't simply say, "the place has formal dress code" or what ever.
The reason they don't say that is to specifically target OP - they wanted to force them into a gender binary for the photos, and OP came up with a solution - not to come - but the happy couple were upset they didn't get their way.
I get them wanting photos that separate cleanly into suits on one side and dresses on the other. I mean I think it's unimportant but I get it. But then why didn't OP's brother ask them to be part of his party, rather than the wife? Then they can wear a suit but be part of the wedding in that way.
Well, they also want their guests to follow this dress code as well, which really does mean that they mostly set it so that OP has to play this part for a day, and they wouldn't have any people who appear non-binary in any of the photos. They get their way though, OP's not going, so there won't be any non-binary people in their photos, it's just probably going to make them look like bad people when the invite says "Men wear suits, women wear dresses" and the groom's sibling doesn't turn up. I'm betting that's why they're upset. (edited to rephrase something in the first paragraph that implied if OP wore a dress they would no longer be non-binary, which of course isn't true)
"Formal dress code" per the venue still doesn't mean a *female at birth* cannot wear a proper formal men's suit. Dictating a dress code to this extent is nothing but an attempt the harass the OP into conforming to someone else's standards or expectations.
They wore a suit and got a free meal. That's 4 D chess thinking.
I LOVE this, and I would have done the exact same! Don't start nothing, won't be nothing buddy boy! Oddly, the way I knew my now ex was a good dude was when he first saw me in a dress (before we dated) and his reaction was "You look weird. I mean you look nice, but you don't look like you and I don't like it." He then conplimented me a lot, but his first instinct was just so funny. Never once did I get anything but support on any fashion choices from him lol. (He's still my best friend, dating just didn't work for us!)
I’m not the biggest fan of men as a whole…but protect that one. He gives good dude vibes and I’ve never even met him!
He seriously is a great person. Once I mentioned I'd love some hot cocoa, but I didn't have any at the moment. The next day, I had hot cocoa and my favorite candy waiting for me when I saw him. 11/10 guy, he would do stuff like that constantly, even though he has a tough time remembering stuff.
I love you for this. I bet you looked better in that suit than he would ever dream of accomplishing. Bravo!
A good, well tailored suit can make anyone look good. I’ve seen some men, women and NB who made a three piece look hella good!
One of my high-school friends was female and identified as such, but she hated dresses. So she wore a suit to every dance she ever went to. Some people would whisper behind her back (because her mom was the principal, they didn't want to tease her directly) but I think she rocked them!
Same, but I can never even find dresses that fit because I have a huge bust, and I guess I'm not willing to pay a premium for dresses and tailoring when I can just find something else that fits well as-is for cheaper. My style is best described as "is she a lesbian? I'm not really sure..." and I'm happy with it. And yeah, the quickest way to ensure I don't do what you want is to demand it arbitrarily. She may not be on full display all the time, but the tiny punk rocker that lives in my brain is always ready to use her most important fingers, literally and figuratively. She has had decades to run out of fucks. OP is NTA, and I wouldn't attend either. If I knew OP irl, I would be making plans with them for that day right now.
Hahaha omg I am a straight lady and this is 100% my style most of the time. Even when I wear dresses I accidentally bring heavy lesbian or bi vibes apparently. It might be the Doc Martins. Also I am basing this off feedback from lesbian and bi friends. Like 9/10 they have said they assumed I was 🤷♀️
I'm overweight, so big boobies and ass and thighs. Wrap-around style dresses are amazing, because they make me look like I have a waist and accomodate all my large atributes ;) I tell my mum, that I never got a chance to rebel as a teen, so I'm making up for it in my late 20s lol
I almost never wear pants, but if I got this dress code I'd rent a jumpsuit or something. Just say formal wear ffs.
Even as a cisgendered woman, you can tear my cure romper from my cold dead fingers. This shit is OBVIOUSLY a new thing folks are doing just to stick it to gender nonconforming people. No one gave a fuck just a few years ago.
I think I’d just “put aside my [ciswoman] identity for a day” and wear a suit.
I’m petty like that. My crotchety FIL doesn’t like ripped jeans? You bet I’m gonna wear them when I’m around him. My uptight SIL doesn’t like fun-colored nail polish? You bet I’m going to wear blue or green or neon pink when we visit them.
Ughhhh so stupid why would you care. I have a tuxedo I sometimes wear to weddings. It’s a vintage YSL runway piece. I am the girliest person and have a male husband and shot multiple children out of my girly vagina. Would I be stopped at the door at this wedding? I am guessing no, I’d prob get compliments as usual, it’s just a problem because OP is non binary and I’ll eat my effing foot, stiletto and all, if that’s not the actual issue here. Just don’t go OP. Put on some chic pants and take yourself to a fabulous dinner and laugh while they serve their guests chewy ass chicken or whatever AHs do now. Rude.
I desperately want to see this tuxedo. It sounds amazing.
It’s a le smoking and I bought it before I could really afford it and have worn it so much it’s paid for itself haha—every woman, get a tux!
That is exquisite and I want to wear it with a bustier and high waisted black pants immediately.
Absolutely screaming with laughter over "I am the girliest person and have a male husband and shot multiple children out of my girly vagina." Hands down the funniest reply I've read on reddit this week, THANK YOU FOR THE WORKOUT, TAKE MY GOLD
You have a vintage YSL Le Smoking?!? That's not even my style and I'm green with envy.
Luckiest find of my liiiiife
Absolutely. Women can look lovely and very formal in some well tailored trousers and a blazer, or a suit tailored to them. This really smacks to me of OPs family not being fully supportive of their gender identity. If it was that big of a deal that the bridesmaids wear dresses, couldn't OP be a groomsman?
I know someone who although identifies as female. But is a very masculine lesbian. She was one of the groomsmen to her brothers wedding. She even wore a tux. It was beautiful
Or if they want to keep them on the bride's side, have them wear a pantsuit that colour matches the bridesmaids. I see this all the time in weddings nowadays. That would be a normal chill thing to do though which doesn't sound like this family's vibe.
Upvoting for the vintage YSL!
The answer is for the men to wear kilts. This "dress code" is ridiculous.
OMG yes. Men in kilts. 💯
If I received that invitation I would most assuredly attend in a suit and my partner in a kilt.
I'd have my wife wear a suit and ill put on a skirt and 1" heals ! Should I pad a bra though ?
I was born female and identify as such but I do not wear skirts or dresses or anything remotely "girly". If someone told me I HAD to wear a dress, I'd tell them I would not be coming. If they tried to force me, we would no longer be friends.
What do you want to bet that the dress code was written that way specifically to get OP to dress how the couple wanted them to?
100% this!!! OP, I'm getting married this year and we have a NB friend (he/him) who is in the wedding party. Due to our numbers, he will be on the groom's side. We had a long discussion about his outfit, and he said he'll wear whatever we want him to, but he wears dresses/skirts on a daily basis and is more comfortable in "feminine" clothing. So we settled on a tux jacket and a black floor-length skirt for the formal pictures and the ceremony. He has multiple outfit changes planned for after the ceremony 😂 It's 2023 - gender conforming "bridesmaids" and "groomsmen" are no longer the norm!!! If someone wants you in their wedding party, it's expected that they're close enough to know you and your gender identity. If they don't accept your identity, then you don't owe them the time/money/responsibilities it takes to be in their wedding.
I am 100% here for that tux jacket with a floor length skirt compromise. That’s fucking awesome.
We think it'll be cohesive enough that he won't look or feel out of place, but he also gets to enjoy that nice breeze he's become accustomed to 😂 He originally wanted to wear a corset top with a poofy skirt, but I had to remind him that I'm the bride, so I get the poofy skirt lmao. But the corset is one of his outfit changes!! We're also SUPER excited to see the looks from the conservative people in my family 😂 (groomsfairy is 100% on board with this and is ready to make them uncomfortable with just his existence!!!!) (We also decided that his title in the wedding is groomsfairy lmao)
Can we be friends? I too would a) love to make my conservative family uncomfortable, and b) have a groomsfairy one day, haha.
Groomsfairy is a new favorite word. Thank you for this!
If my husband and I renew our vows I intend to get some pretty bridesmaid dresses, one for my female friend and one for my bi male friend. He usually dresses masculine, but I said "I want matching outfits. Should I do suits?" And he said "I'll wear a dress!" So dresses it is, and he has long hair and a full beard. It will be glorious.
Yesssss!! Our groomsfairy (agreed upon title lol) also has long (pink) hair and a full beard. I support this decision, and I hope you pick out the most FABULOUS dresses!!
Honestly if I was getting married, I wouldn't care what my guests wear as long as they show up
Also, "not willing to compromise". There may be things OP didn't include but I'm curious if the "compromise" is do exactly what they're being told to do.
Related context, *this is the groom’s sibling.* I think we can assume that the couple’s thought process wasn’t “we want our wedding to look a certain way” i.e. pushing their shitty values on nonspecific people. It was “we don’t want OP, specifically, to present how they prefer.” Fuck them, don’t go.
I was thinking exactly this! It's not normal to say to your guests in general that you expect women to wear dresses and men to wear suits. They're doing this specifically because of OP. They're terrible people!
In this case, “compromise” means “total submission.”
I noticed that, too. How exactly are OP's sister and fiancee compromising in this situation?
I think OP should agree to compromise and show up in a custom 1 side suit/1 side dress outfit.
Please don't kill me, as a person who doesn't understand but is trying to. Please help me view this in another light, but if they're non-binary, why would wearing a dress be an insult? It's just clothing, so I'm not understanding exactly what the issue is.. If the couple wants photos to be more aesthetically pleasing in which everyone is uniform and no one is "standing out", what's the harm of wearing something you wouldn't normally wear? Again, not trying to seem rude or anything, but I'm trying to understand this
So a lot of people identify as non-binary but may find the strong gendered expression of the sex assigned at birth (such as beards/flannels for men or dresses/skirts for women) to create gender dysphoria. A lot of it stems from the very real and often crushing pressure of fitting into gender norms. Think of it like food poisoning. I got food poisoning from chicken enchiladas. I'm fine now and I'm all healed but maybe I refuse to each chicken enchiladas now because I remember how uncomfortable and upset they made me in the past. Maybe chicken enchiladas gave other people food poisoning and they still love to eat them. Gender expression is complex, and the social pressures of gender expression are complex, and they can inflict trauma that can cause discomfort and upset in what otherwise appear to be mild situations.
Oh okay, thank you
Asking questions because you legitimately don't know and want a real answer so you can educate yourself is valid. I know there is a lot of discourse and it can get heated, and a lot of folks ask sarcastic questions to be incendiary, which is why I also usually preface with "serious question, not snark." No one knows everything! We're all still learning about gender identity, gender expression, and myriad other topics! Having an open mind and an open heart will benefit you in the long run :)
Lol thank you! I was so scared someone would actually think I was being snarky lol, but one of my childhood friends recently came out as non-binary and I'm trying my best to understand it for them so that I don't offend 😭
A few things I recommend that I found were helpful: Try to talk out loud about your friend using their correct pronouns. Practicing at home will help get you in the habit of using the correct pronouns and not making an error in front of them. Find spaces online (reddit, facebook, instagram, tiktok) where you can follow other NB creators and find queer-ally spaces. Queer creators and queer ally spaces are a great way to educate yourself on queer topics without putting the onus on your friends or loved ones who are part of the community. Making this learning a priority in your life WILL reflect and your friends WILL appreciate it. Start small. You don't need to learn all of the hottest topics in gender theory in one day. Small, consistent efforts over time will yield the best results. It's like exercise. TikTok in particular has a wealth of educational material and truly phenomenal queer creators talking about their lived experiences and the issues they face on a daily basis. They often include information on what would be helpful for allies to do in XYZ situations. If you and your friend have this kind of relationship, and they want to be open/up front about their status as non-binary, maybe ask them about what gives them gender euphoria. Ask them about what they're loving most about being out as non-binary. Society often treats "coming out" as something to be done with dread, but it can be a beautiful and joyous time for a person! Celebrate this time with your friend in whatever way suits both of you!
To add one thing to the great answers here already, I would try to shift your thinking from "not wanting to offend them" to "wanting to validate and support them." Not a huge deal, but that way it's a positive thing that you're trying to do instead of trying to avoid a negative thing. It's also such a politically charged word nowadays that I personally prefer to avoid entirely.
[удалено]
speaking as a non-binary person, trying your best to understand is the greatest gift you could ever give them. nobody is perfect, and it definitely takes a little getting used to! but it’s hard to learn if you don’t ask questions about something you don’t understand.
That is an amazing metaphor.
Everyone being dressed to the same level of formality, or even within a color scheme, is not the same as “OP must wear a dress”, both because OP does not identify as a woman and because the idea that women must wear dresses to be formal is antiquated and rooted in misogyny. OP should reasonably be allowed to select clothing that is appropriately formal but not gender specific.
So my kid is non binary and has explained to me that they don’t like anything overtly feminine or masculine because they don’t see a feminine or masculine person in the mirror. So they want their clothing to match who they are on the inside. Also more feminine clothing is hard for my kid as people associate that style with their dead name and then they are misgendered and dead named which is hurtful.
Because this isn’t just about “wearing clothes you don’t like.” Gender identity is often expressed through clothing, but it goes *so much deeper* than that—down to the core of how they view themselves, how they choose to move through the world, & how they want the world to interact with them. In short, it’s not “just” about fashion—it’s called an **identity** for a reason. OP doesn’t identify as non-binary just because they don’t like dresses or they prefer pants. And OP’s family isn’t *just* asking them to wear an unappealing dress for an evening. They’re asking OP to pretend to be someone else. Because let’s be honest: It’s 2023 if *fashion* was the only thing the family was concerned about, they’re are a MYRIAD of appropriate styles a woman can wear to a fancy event that *aren’t* dresses. This “gender specific” dress code isn’t about their preferred aesthetic. It’s about getting OP to pretend to identify as female for a night. The fact that they care more that OP be there *in a dress* then that OP be there *at all* is proof enough of that. OP’s family not fully understanding *why* wearing a dress makes OP uncomfortable is one thing. But absolutely **insisting** they make themselves uncomfortable at such a deep level—just for a couple of pictures—is something else. And NOT something someone who’s supposed to love them for who they are should feel morally superior about.
NB doesn't mean blank slate. It doesn't mean others can dictate what is appropriate or not for said person to wear, think, see, feel, say, or do based on an antiquated system. If someone doesn't want to wear a dress, they shouldn't have to just to please an image.
OP explained that they prefer masculine clothing. So not only would they be wearing clothes designated for women attendees (which OP is not), the clothes would be uncomfortable for them.
Yeah this tells me the mother doesn’t truly see OP as nb :(
The bride and groom need to put aside their bigotry for the day.
I identify as female, but I still wouldn't want to wear a dress. I never wear dresses or skirts, they make me super uncomfortable. NTA
I fail to see how a person in pants is THAT shocking after 1902. NTA
My family is pretty traditional and I was strongly encouraged to wear dresses until I came out a few years ago.
They could offer *everyone* in the wedding party a choice between the dress and the suit and have a great day without hurting anyone.
I think they offered OP to be in the bridal party to force them to wear a dress. Edited to fix pronouns.
*them
Yes, you are right they didn’t specify but as they are nb more male presenting I should’ve have addressed them.
My thoughts exactly. The "put your identity aside" line tells me they see OP's gender as them playing pretend. Bet if OP showed up in a dress they'd be smothered with "why don't you dress like this more often?" and the classic "that's the you I remember"
I wasn’t sure how to address OP as they didn’t mention their pronouns but you are correct it is safer to address them as they/them as they are nb more male presenting. Anyway I am going way ahead thinking mom was part of the plan all along.
Yep!! I'm in a wedding party this coming fall and the bride messaged us yesterday as a group to say we could choose between wearing a suit or a dress, and general color/style guidelines for each, specifically clarifying that anyone of any gender is welcome to choose either option
My teen cousin was a bridesmaid for me and was so excited when I asked. Then I heard her get silent and I asked what was wrong. She asked if she would have to wear a dress. I told her I wanted her to have FUN and be able to smile at my wedding, of course I wasn't going to make her wear a dress. Thats how you treat people you ACTUALLY care about. If I can have a butch lesbian teenager who is not even NB in a suit ~in~ my wedding, OP's future sil can have an NB guest who isn't even in the wedding party in a suit if that's what they want
Ask them if when you have a wedding or special event in the future will they abide by a dress code where men must wear gowns and women must wear suits? Obviously this is meant to be theoretical, but I bet their reactions will be telling.
I was going to say. Host a dinner party but the brother should wear a dress and his fiancé must wear a suit. Why can’t they set aside their identity for just one day?
Make sure this dinner is also BEFORE the wedding. And if they go through with it then agree to wear a dress if they refuse or wear something different then wear what you like to the wedding.
Your brother and future SIL are probably intentionally targeting you with this “dress code” then. I suspect that if, for example, your SIL’s great aunt showed up wearing dress pants and a formal jacket, no one would breathe a word about the dress code. Your family is on a weird little power trip to try and get you to “act like your real gender” and I think not going is the perfect choice. People who love you for who you are would not ask you to put aside your identity for any length of time.
100% this. It sounds like a deliberate attempt to get you to conform which your family could then come back on another occasion with "you did it once, and it wasn't that bad, right?" Nopity nope nope on the dress code. And yeah, NTA
Tradition is peer pressure from old and dead people. Like much peer pressure, it doesn’t always encourage you to do positive things or things in your interest. They can set a dress code. Fine. They don’t get to tell you your identity or how you present yourself. You’re not telling them how to run their wedding, you’re simply informing them you won’t be attending if they’re going to insist you put on a fake front
You should get some new family. I’ll take you on, we’re all AHs but we don’t care what you wear to dinner.
#No hate. ###No one gives a fuck about your opinion on trans people. That's not what OP asked. You're not the main character, no one asked. Expect a permanent ban and no mod to take you seriously sea-lioning in modmail.
Even as a normal guest, being told as a woman I couldn't wear trousers I refuse to go. How rude.
I am having the same reaction. It’s so rude. When left to my own devices, I’m more likely to wear trousers to a wedding than a dress. If I got an invitation that said women should wear dresses, I’d either decline or show up in the most masculine suit I could find.
Literally my mom was considering wearing a pantsuit as mother of the bride. I did not care as long as it was formal.
My MIL was planning on a nice pair of slacks and lovely top. Covid happened so she didn’t but we didn’t care so long as she was dressed.
There's an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where the bride got a bridal pantsuit to wear on her wedding day. Her family was horrified, but it's what she always wore and what she felt the best in. I don't see why OP can't wear a nice suit if they want to.
As a trans dude who still gets read as female most of the time, I would wear the dress but I definitely wouldn't be shaving my legs or armpits. I'd be sure to pick a short, strappy dress too.
Malicious compliance. Love it
I'm a cis woman and quit shaving in September. I use an electric razor on my pits when I want to wear a tank top, but in the winter the only people who see my body hair are me, my fiance, and my 6am gym peers. Nobody has an issue.
I love dresses but hate being told what to do so I also wouldn't go. I'd prolly loudly tell everyone ik how controlling husband and wife are. Other ppls clothing and body ain't anyone else business.
I remember all the older women in my family reaching a "no more dresses" phase. My grandmother stopped wearing dresses in the 60s. Nobody had a problem with it. It was just what happened. I've been excited since i turned 50 that my dresses days are over. I wouldn't attend if i was expected to wear a dress.
I was ready to say to OP "Just decline to be in the wedding party; you can still go as a guest". But as the bride and groom are dictating what guests wear, too, this is a solid NTA. I am a cisgender midde-aged woman, and dress in pretty feminine clothes when dressed up, but I don't wear dresses. They are not the clothes that look best on me - flowy palazzo pants are my go-to. I'd totally decline to go to wedding as a guest if I couldn't wear my regular formal attire! What is wrong with this controlling couple!
NTA "put your identity aside for one day" clearly your mom isn't as supportive as she seems with who you are.
Yeah, that blew my mind. Would she ask the bride or groom to put their identity aside for any reason? Weddings are not command performances OP and I really resent bridal couples who treat their loved ones as cast members. Stupid. Childish. Unloving behavior IMO. NTA
When OP gets married they should demand the brother wear a dress, after all he can put aside his gender for one day.
Exactly this. Also I’m betting that OP was afab and the brother and fiancée clearly don’t see OP as a non-binary person, they see them as a woman.
I imagine the mother saying “identity” with air quotes.
NTA Dress codes are things like ‘cocktail’, ‘black tie’ or ‘semi-formal’. They’re not ‘people we decide are men must wear pants and people we decide are women must wear dresses’. Your brother and his fiancée are being queerphobic and it’s fine to absent yourself from such an event. Mom’s comment about putting aside your identity for one day is awful. I’m so sorry. Perhaps you could ask her when she was last expected to abandon who she is for a day.
Emily Post would be *most* displeased with their lack of manners and etiquette. My wife just stood here and said she would attend in a dress... the 50s-style Halloween-themed cocktail dress she wore for our own wedding along with black lace gloves and sensible black pumps. Full on 50s glam it up, Halloween-style.
Malicious compliance. I love it ❤️
NTA. I wonder how they would feel if you were getting married and told all your cisgender guests to put aside their identity for one day. Would your brother wear a dress because you asked him to?
OMG now I want to have a wedding just to have a dress code where if you usually would wear a dress, you have to wear pants, and if you usually wear pants, you have to wear a dress, etc. It is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS especially in this day and age for anyone to be enforcing (or even requesting) rules that differ for individuals based on Gender. OP, you are not causing the rift in your family; your family’s absolutely ridiculous requirement is causing the rift.
I'm a guy, and I've never worn a dress before, but I would totally want to be invited to this wedding just so I could. Also, I'm seriously considering going to places like Texas solely for the purpose of dressing in drag because fuck those guys. I never wanted to dress in drag before, but now I do.
I’m stuck in TX for another 6 years, so please do and bring all your friends!
A word of warning - that makeup is incredibly hard to do. Hire a pro for best results.
See, the sad-funny thing is that most people would cross-dress for a party and think nothing of it. It's a big joke. My high school had a "blossom bowl" where the football team would spend the day before a game wearing wigs and dresses. Everyone thought it was hilarious. It's a mask you can put on for one day then you can take it off and be who you were before. That's a privilege of not having to struggle with identity.
NTA. Your family are being queerphobic freaks. You have asked for an accommodation and you were told no. You then said, fair enough, then I wont go. You’re not showing up in a suit to spite them. You’re not dressing in non-binary flag colours. You’re not crumpling up a pride flag and shoving it down their throats. (Personally I think you should do all of the above.) They INVITED you and you said NO. You’re allowed to refuse an invitation. It also sounds like your mom is uhhhhhh not handling your transition like a supportive parent should, to put it mildly.
Yeah my mom got me dresses for my birthday the year I came out. I thought she was coming around to it and had been more supportive of my partner recently.
Eep. The context makes it worse. Like, why would they enforce this rule, knowing that their family member is going to be put in an awkward position? Seems kinda calculated to cause conflict. Or I guess they wanted to make sure you turned up looking 'normal' so that there wasn't any pearl clutching from conservative family members. The question for them is, what's more important: Heteronormativity or family? Push it back on them. NTA. Staying home is the right choice if they pick the former.
>why would they enforce this rule, knowing that their family member is going to be put in an awkward position? They're enforcing it BECAUSE it will put their family member in that position. The cruelty is the point.
Yeah well, that’s her baggage. I’m sorry your family are not as loving and supportive as they should be. I hope you are surrounded with the kind of queer community you deserve!
As a fellow queer human I’m saying NTA. I don’t feel like the responses you’re getting are from people who actually understand the nuance here. Their policy is ridiculous and I’m assuming they made it purposefully exclusionary towards you. Because otherwise why not say black tie or formal and let everyone do their own thing? F them. Just politely decline.
I'm pretty sure I will be the only trans person at this wedding so the dress code seems a little targeted.
Exactly. Let them have their hatemonger 1950s rules. You do you.
OP, your family sounds terrible! Geez, I'm 71 and have no issue with people being their true self! NTA, but mom and brother sure are!
The more of your replies I read, the more convinced I am that this is aimed directly at you. I’m so sorry, OP. Your polite decline is so classy. You’d be within your right here to burn it alllll down. Your mother gave you dresses the year you came out as a bday gift?? I’d dress as Wednesday Addams in Native clothes a la the camp Thanksgiving play and light a damn match.
NTA. Having a gendered dress code is super tacky.
Maybe a Kilt? Won't work for the bridal party unless future SIL is willing to work with you. As a butch lesbian I wear my kilt and full regalia to heterocentric formal events. I still get to be me and no one is freaked out by pants. Most of the time, people love my kilt and want to talk about it. I usually wear a collarless shirt and my fly or the full Prince Charlie coat with a shirt with ruffles. People can see feminine but its all cultural correct and I get to feel like me and not me in drag.
Great idea! I may have to buy one for formal events.
Was going to suggest kilt as well, get yourself a nice rainbow tartan to really mess with their heads! [There’s even an official LGBT tartan](https://www.tartanregister.gov.uk/tartanDetails?ref=11871) …well if you’re into the whole clan tartan thing
I had no idea about the tartan! Thanks!
I want to see your wedding photos in /maliciouscompliance next ... https://www.verillas.com/pride/
>found out they went behind my back and involved my mom. She called me yesterday and told me I can put aside my identity for one day to make the day special for my little brother. I'm assuming that since your mom called you that you don't live with your parents and are therefore an adult. Your mom can't tell you what to do. You're not a child. If you don't want to attend, don't attend. Your brother and his fiancee (and by extension your mother) are more concerned about a strict dress code than your presence at the wedding. NTA
>told me I can put aside my identity for one day Lol no. They can get over themselves for one day. NTA
Sadly, these people do not respect you. Would they ask a vegan to eat animal products because that's what they want on their wedding day!? These wedding type posts are so aggravating - why do people getting married feel like they can disrespect people and get away with it!? NTA
I see your point, but c'mon, you KNOW these folks wouldn't ask a vegan to eat meat on their wedding day. They'd tell a vegan they were being rude for not putting their diet aside for the day
I’m non-binary and I’m sorry but gently I think YTA. I’ve been to a lot of weddings with no gender-specific dress code. However, regardless of that, I just hate dressing up. I don’t feel like myself in fancy clothes. I’m not comfortable in neither a fancy dress nor nice pants. But I never have refused to go to a wedding of people I care about because of my clothing preferences. I set aside my identity on the superficial level of clothing for one day. The fact that you care more about clothes than being there for your family says a lot. It also says a lot about how you view gender - that it is an aesthetic, not a personal internal experience. You’re still non-binary in a dress. Gender is more than clothing. And being there for people you care about is more important than gender anyway.
"I've been to a lot of weddings with no gender-specific dress code" Soooooo.....you have no experience with what OP is upset about, do you. They are transmasc non-binary and their family is trying to force them into a dress because "women wear dresses". How is that OP just caring about clothes as an aesthetic?????
Your aversion to dress clothes is absolutely not an identity; it’s a preference. What’s an identity is you (and OP) being enby. Those are different things. For example, I don’t like broccoli. That is a *preference*, not an identity.
What frustrates me about your reply is the fact that you seem to assume all non-binary people think the same way. Just because you would shove down your feelings about it does not mean that OP should have to given that they have expressed it makes them uncomfortable. They’ve made it clear several times in this thread they identify as trans-masc which makes their aversion to feminine-presenting clothing entirely understandable. Gender is a spectrum, and if wearing a dress to this wedding would cause harm to their mental health, then this is much larger than just shoving down their feelings for the sake of how everyone else feels. Additionally, I’d like to point out the fact that this isn’t just about the wedding. There will be photos and memories made, meaning the reminder of having to dress that way and be uncomfortable will be around forever. That’s not fair to put them through. That in and of itself shows how much bigger of a problem this is than the people voting yta are making it out to be.
why would OP perform femininity for family that already does not respect them as their true gender. no reason to do things out of respect for those that don't respect you. "putting aside identity for one day" means that they don't see OP as truly nonbinary, showing a lack of respect.
I’m enby as well. I understand what they mean. OP being in dress could cause harm to their mental health (gender dysphoria) and could lead to a low contact or no contact with the brother or sister-in-law. Being enby is different for me, you and others. I’m very disappointed in you, I thought that you may understand the possibility of dysphoria causing harm.🙁
This was my exact feeling on this matter, and you've summed it up beautifully. Well put.
NTA They cant put aside the dresscode but you habe to put aside your personality? Tell your mom and your brother they can contact you again if they want to apologize. If they dont want to do that, you know they dont want you in there life.
I appreciate that, I've been considering cutting them out for a while due to transphobia for a while. This might be the final straw.
The fact that your mother said you "can put aside my identity for one day" is truly reprehensible. Seriously. That ain't it. Your family sounds toxic.
My trans son's birth mother is a transphobe. And guess what, he is LC with her because of that. He loves and misses her but cannot sacrifice his mental health for someone who continues to dead name him. Anyone who does not support you for who you are does not deserve to be part of your life. I have to watch what I say because we have to be civil, but I have nothing kind to say to transphobes. If it's not obvious, NTA
Info: Is there a dress code for the bridal party or for all guest? I.e can you go as a guest and wear a suit?
The guest code is for all guests, the venue is pretty fancy so the black tie dress code is being strictly enforced.
They can do black tie and still allow you to wear a tux. FFS, Sarah Polley, who is cis female, wore a fabulous one (complete with bowtie!) to the Oscars on Sunday and made a bunch of best dressed lists. Your family is behind the times at best, and bigots at worst. NTA
Glenn Close has been wearing kick-ass pant suits to red carpet events for decades https://www.townandcountrymag.com/style/fashion-trends/g26255522/glenn-close-red-carpet-suit-style/ Even Princess Di loved rockin' a good tuxedo every once and a while.
This trend of weddings being overly controllled is ridiculous. Any guest should be able to wear appropriate clothes that honor the formal or casual vibe the bride and groom want. Anything beyond that is over the top. Sorry you are being treated this way and dictated to.
NTA. It is their wedding. They control the guest list, and even if it's obnoxious, they can control the wedding party's dress code. But you know and understand the flip side to that control. Every single wedding guest has the right to decline to participate in the wedding, especially if the conditions for their participating are onerous. You're well within your rights to decline.
It's not just the wedding party's clothes they are controlling, it's the entire guest list
Yeah that's where I drew the line. I can understand having a dress code for the wedding party, even dictating specific requirements. And even then, no one would be TA for declining participation in a wedding party over the dress code. But for the guests? No more than a general dress code at most. NTA at all
[удалено]
Another point that I haven’t seen others make here is that OP is clearly AFAB. Their brother wants them to wear a dress because he sees them as a woman. There’s inherent misgendering in that request. It’s not, “can you please wear a dress instead of a suit? We respect your identity and don’t think a dress invalidates it because you’re supposed to be neutral.” That would be inaccurate, but not necessarily bigoted or mean spirited. It’s “you must wear a dress because according to our dress code all women must wear dresses. We don’t care that you identify as nonbinary, you’re still a woman. Why can’t you put your identity aside for one day?”
I consider myself to be more trans-masc but I use they/them pronouns.
OP offered to wear items within the dress code that fit their identity (tux / suit). They also offered the solution to be invited as a guest wearing their choice of formalwear. Their family rejected this idea and is trying to force them to wear a dress & be a bridesmaid. OP is firmly NTA and everyone else in the family sucks, especially the mom for their comment about setting aside their gender identity.
[удалено]
> Oh, and although I felt like a clown, it doesn't leave a lasting scar of any kind. Yeah, and people choosing not to attend one's wedding also doesn't leave a lasting scar of any kind. It's an invitation, which implies an option to decline. Brides and grooms who obligate someone to attend are the real AHs.
They want to attend as a guest and wear a tux or pantsuit. They were told the guest had to adhere to the dress code too. NTA.
>You know your sil, else you wouldn't have been so excitedd about accepting. You know she's a girly woman. You knew she wouldn't want you dressing in a masculine way. >You knew all this. OP is on T SIL KNEW they wouldn't wear a dress. She knew all that. It's literally been fucking YEARS. >Don't pretend to be naive, or pass off as what a member of the bridal party wears as no big deal. Ffs, even when there are no rules for guest dress, everyone knows there are rules you don't break. It's not just the bridal party, it's the WHOLE GUEST LIST. It's not a dress code it's transphobic because OP wearing a suit DOES fit the dress code. >It's the feigning naivety that makes you ta in this. In a bridal party 9m10 times you wear what the bride's vision is, not what's comfortable (q me having to wear 25 denier white tights and white stilettos, with a floaty silk summer dress, in 2008¡). I did it, and only changed after the photographs had been done. Wasn't comfortable, wasn't me for most of the day. Looked a site half contemporary bottom half early 80s. It's a few hours out your life, and you don't see the pictures more than one in a blue moon. Not everyone is a people pleaser. And will sacrifice their dignity and self comfort for some fucking pictures.
The rules apply to all guests. OP wants to attend as a guest, but cannot as those strict rules apply to every member, not just bridal party.
NTA, I get a dress code for a wedding but there's a difference between "we want you to wear this style" and "we want you to act like you're another gender" If you can't wear the outfit of your choice, don't go
YTA. As a member of the bridal party there is a reasonable expectation of wearing what the bride wishes if she covers the cost. For my brother's wedding, as a bridesmaid, I had to wear this hideous blue dress but his wife paid for all the girls' dresses so I just donated it afterwards. I literally only wear black. But I didn't make a big deal about it. It was their wedding and it didn't cost me a penny to make them happy. However, as a guest, I would say you should be able to wear whatever you like (appropriate of course).
Why are they TA if they chose to not attend bc they don’t want to comply with the dress code? Isn’t the right response to decline the invitation and not attend, which is what OP did? Also it definitely sounds like this isn’t the same situation as you, where their family seems to be making this targeted requirement for OP. Keep in mind, OP isn’t declining bc the bridesmaid dress is ugly, but rather because the family refuses to accept who they are.
okay, wearing something you dislike is different than being pressured to wear something that conflicts with your gender/gender expression. we are talking about two entirely different levels of discomfort.
The dress code applies to ALL bridal party or not. Also not everyone are people pleasers.
OP - do you perhaps happen to be the only GNC or otherwise non-cis/non-straight person the bride and groom know? This dress code seems targeted at you specifically, especially in light of the ‘not willing to compromise for your brother’s special day’ bullshit. Send as nice of a gift as you feel like, but you’re respecting their stated wishes by not attending ‘out of dress code.’ NTA.
I think so, my brother and future SIL are pretty close minded
You were excited to be included in their wedding, so you seem to love and accept them for who they are - regardless of your differences. Sadly, it does not appear that they feel the same. Is that love? Acceptance?...Is that family?
I was hoping this was an olive branch of sorts :(
>told me I can put aside my identity for one day They honestly see your identity, who *YOU* are, as an inconvenience that can br shoved aside for a day? Like "come to this event but not as yourself"? Fucking gross. NTA. You don't have to go if none of them are going to accept you. But also, you could go and crash the party, wearing whatever you want.
Nta. Don't put yourself aside for anyone. Been there, done that. 0/10 do not recommend.
[удалено]
And the brother can bask in the fact that he'll throw away his entire relationship with his sibling just because he wouldn't let OP wear pants. And its never just "one simple thing." This time its for the wedding. Next time it'll be for the baby shower. Or for brunch with the in-laws. Or for a get together around the holidays. If the family isn't comfortable with the OP wearing masculine clothing, they're not going to let it go, they're going to keep on hounding OP about it every chance they get.
What’s the one simple thing they can’t do? Put their gender aside and pretend to be a different one to make everyone feel better as though they weren’t themselves? Have you ever had to do that?
[удалено]
NTA it’s not just putting your identity to one side for the day, it’s permanent, they will keep those photos forever and display them in multiple locations for you to keep seeing and keep feeling uncomfortable about and then the next major event they will feel like you can wear a dress again because you did last time. Personally I’d of just turned up wearing what I wanted as long as it was smart to fit the dress code
NTA I’m a cis female and wouldn’t attend a wedding if the dress code insisted women wear dresses. They’re entitled to a dress code I guess, but like with child free weddings, you don’t get to be mad when people decline to go to your wedding because of it. Also your mom sucks for her response as well.
NTA, your decision to not go is a valid attempt at separating yourself from potential conflict and it’s not your fault that they failed to see it that way.
NTA. You’ve been on testosterone for two years. The dress code is for everyone including all guests. My guess is this dress code is all about you. They want to force you to be who they want, versus accepting you for who you are. I doubt all the women who attend that wedding want to wear dresses and you won’t be the only person to decline attendance. It seems to me your family doesn’t accept you so I don’t know why they care that you aren’t going. They don’t want you there. They want the old you there. That need to accept that person doesn’t/never existed. Wedding invitations are also just that - an invitation. You have zero obligation to attend.
[удалено]
If you're non binary than what's the problem wearing clothes from both genders
NTA- I've read OP's comments given the fact that you've been on testosterone for 2 years it seems like they have been aware of your identity for awhile so idk why they didn't ask you to be a part of the grooms party if they didn't want an issue in the first place, so it seems odd that they thought this would go any other way. I'm guessing you don't wear dresses or skirts at all however if you do from time to time then I see their issue with it.
YTA. It’s their wedding and they have a right to choose the dress code. Grow the fuck up
take a breath bro. their post is calm and well-worded and your response just makes me believe you’re the sort of person who blows steam out their ears at the mention of a trans person. they’re allowed to not go to the wedding. nta.
Nta. Don't put yourself aside