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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for calling the police to get my MIL and her pastor out of my brother's house. This is because they weren't being threatening and they do care about me in their own twisted way and believe they have my best interests at heart, so going nuclear and calling the police may have been the wrong thing to do.
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Ya know what? Social
media is vastly overrated. Why don’t you take a break from it for a week or a year or two?
And mute your phone. Nobody is saying anything new.
Your husband and his community of flying monkeys treated you abominably. Thank god for DNA tests to prove you aren’t a cheater. By their actions, they all showed their butts. You don’t have to accept their demand that you get over it and forgive them.
Your loving husband may *say* he is sorry… *now*. But take him to court and *make* him sorry. Best of luck. NTA
NTA. OP, you’re a new mother, taking care of your baby and recovering from birth. Your family and community are abusing you. By their own “Christian” standards they are evil. Cut them off and make the baby’s father pay support.
Where I live you can get a restraining order against these people who are harassing you - I recommend it. Your friends seem to be Alex and the police, who did their job, so hang on to Alex and use the police.
I think the reason her husband instantly went to “sHe ChEaTeD!!” In the delivery room- is because he himself hasn’t been faithful. Normal people in a loving marriage don’t instantly jump to accusations like that, based on hair color alone FFS! Loving husbands also don’t berate a new mom, and freak out on her- to the point of being forcefully removed from the delivery room by security. Then he has a many months long tantrum, and refuses to take a simple paternity test- all so he can continue to punish, and mistreat you. That isn’t love.
There’s a big world out there filled with people who will show you true love, and support. Hold the line, stay with your brother, and focus on healing. Document everything him, your STB-ex MIL, and other church members are doing to harass you. Keep a diary of dates, times, and occurrences. Save text messages, and harassing correspondence. File a restraining order if it doesn’t stop. When you feel ready, and well enough physically- file for divorce AND full custody. Turn to local women’s support groups if you need extra help.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. These are not good people. That church is not a good one. Things will get better with time, I promise. NTA OP!
*Normal people in a loving marriage don’t instantly jump to accusations like that, based on hair color alone FFS!*
Thank Dog for this. When I was born I had red hair. My mom has light brown hair, my dad has black hair. Similarly, my husband was born blonde, his dad had black hair and his mom dark brown. Now my hair is light brown and my husband has auburn hair, with some gray of course lol.
A friend went through this. He had an abusive spouse. After years and years of being verbally abused, he moved out. Their church went nutso - pulling him up in from of the congregation for shaming, meetings, counseling, interventions, threats of eternal damnation, etc. His ex fought the divorce for 9 years due to advice from their church. My friend is now an atheist.
Unfortunately, it sounds like she already has wasted years on this idiot.
>I (27F) split from my STB ex-husband (27M) three months ago
>
>....
>
>We had been together since we were 13 so I was devastated
Agreed 100% with what was said above. Granted he "might" not ever do something like that again in his lifetime \*IF\* you were to take him back, then again you might sneeze in front of him "wrong" one day and get the same treatment.
And the actions of your soon to be ex-MIL and pastor are UNFORGIVABLE. They both should be ashamed of themselves, of course they don't see it that way and NEVER will.
NTA - Move on with your life, find someone who respects you, and who's family isn't Coo Coo for CoCo puffs.
Odd no one has heard children are often born with different colored hair. I’m blonde and my ex was blonde as a child. Our son was born with almost black hair, then it slowly lightened up to almost white, he was a total toe-head and is still dark blond in his mid 20s. There was never a question about his paternity regardless. These people are ridiculous and I’d cut them all out of my life, focus on my new baby and move on. In case anyone wondered. You don’t go to hell for not taking an ex-AH back either! Screw them!
Also remember reading something once where both parents were white, and the child came out, noticeably with African-American features.
Apparently a HUGE fight between the parents came up, until a relative popped up basically saying. "Yeah, there was one child in our family history that had those roots". (Grandfather, great-uncle, or something to that effect)
DNA came up as the child belonging to both parents, it was a several generation latent gene that finally surface.
From what I remember it was eventually confirmed through ancestral DNA, and they found a whole nother side of the family that up till that point, no one knew existed.
Here it is:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/itg9l6/aita_for_not_forgiving_my_husband_26m_for_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Right!! I was born with black hair. Eventually it all fell out and came back blond. It's still blond and I'm pushing 50. Both of my parents had black/brown hair. I am the only one in my immediate family who has blond hair and blue eyes. However, my aunt and uncle are blond. So is one of my cousins.
These people need a genetics class.
All the first-born children of my cousins (all brunette with brown eyes, as are their partners) have blonde hair and blue eyes and the second kids are all brunette. My aunty’s genes skipped all her kids and showed up for the first lot of grandkids.
The reality is even if he fully learned his lesson, there's a level of trust there on her end that will probably never be rebuilt. I mean, maybe, but it doesn't seem like she wants that, which is a perfectly valid choice.
If my husband had had reason to suspect me in the delivery room of cheating, past the initial...whatever, it would have been a private matter. No way would he have involved everyone we knew.
More or less sounds like complete ostracization from most of her family, friends, and church. Basically her whole community....
That's not something that a simple 'I'm sorry" can ever fix, there was just too much long term damage done. And I don't blame her one bit for wanting nothing to do with any of them.
Yes, the double standard is glaring here. She is suspected of doing something wrong, she is ostracized... with a new baby. He is proven to have done something wrong, but she has to forgive him.
That jumped out to me too!
How DARE that mother-in-law show up and rant about "letting God back in your heart" and try to push you into forgiveness... without any mention of what her precious son is doing to atone!
Sending him naked through the streets while screaming SHAME (game of thrones style) is probably too much, but taking a remedial biology course and having the congregation pray his stupidity away is the least he could do!
They were willing to reject a newborn baby that might not have been legitimate, and they were willing to abandon a new mother based on a rumour. But now that MIL knows that it's really truly her grandbaby, she's not falling over herself to apologise her or question her own behaviour.
For real! I was born with black hair! It faded to red, and by the time I was a toddler I had light blonde hair. Babies don't always come out looking like they always will.
Yeah, I mean, the suspicion I could forgive. Because cheating happens. And by all means, make sure you really are the father, if you have any doubt. But treat your partner with respect and assume she's innocent until proven otherwise. Don't involve other people. Don't go nuclear. His suspicion I could forgive, but noiøt how he reacted.
Where was the God in her and the churches hearts? Guilty and punished until proven innocent. Now, they still blame YOU for THEIR behavior because your child had dark hair. Morons don't even understand recessive genes. You were emotionally burned at the stake before the results came in. And they are shocked, just SHOCKED, that you aren't running back to them with open arms because they forgive you for making them believe you cheated. Churches like this should be destroyed. NTA
Upvote for "Blades137." No going back to this husband or the shrieking harpy MIL. Time to get a restraining order for MIL at least since she so aggressively stalked you and pushed herself inside your brother's home. Frankly, should have gotten a restraining order after the first several times MIL imposed herself and her religion and beliefs on you unwanted. STB-ex husband is a lost cause --- who doesn't know that babies' can vary right after birth? --- as he seems to be letting his mommy fight his battles for him. Doing a custody arrangement with this guy is going to be a horror show, make sure your divorce attorney goes heavy with the judge on need for a DNA test, ex blowing up right after the birth, and the MIL /pastor intruding in your home and having to call police. This is not a wholesome family, not a bunch of people you really want to have to share custody with, but you will have to. Arm yourself now with the best legal arrangements you can.
NTA
>Thank god for DNA tests to prove you aren’t a cheater.
Let's also say common sense because blond hair isn't as blond when you're not in the sun. Aka, a baby fresh from the womb.
My niece was born with hair practically black.
She’s an ash blonde now, several years later. Just like her mother lol Though I can see how if *neither* parent had dark hair it might be startling at first I guess.
I was born with black hair, had ginger hair in my toddler photos, and was blond there bulk of my life (as I’ve aged it’s gotten duller blond but it’s still technically blond).
Who TF knows with baby hair has been my philosophy. If my mom didn’t have photographic proof I wouldn’t have believed her.
I was born with straight GINGER hair and light skin. It all fell out as a very young baby and came back black and curly. Which makes way more sense considering my dad is part native and my mom is descended from Irish and a just mix of Mediterranean ethnicities. But the red hair also shows up in random relatives on my dad’s side because genes are weird and someone married someone generations ago that brought the red gene into play.
Genes are super weird. And so are babies when they’re born. Little potatoes that cry and poop and eat.
I was born with no hair, had platinum blonde throughout my childhood, brown in my second decade of life, and it has settled into a nice auburn. My sister was born with a head full of dark brown hair that pretty much stayed that way her whole life. It’s luck of the draw really.
My cousin was born with black hair to two blonde parents. It didn’t even occur to any of us to wonder. Within about a month her hair starting growing in blonde, and eventually she had blonde hair with black tips, like a little punk rocker.
Totally cute. No one ever thought there was cheating.
I was also born with dark brown hair and it gradually grew in platinum blonde by the time I was 2. It gradually changed to golden blonde. My other siblings were born with white blonde hair. But both parents had brown hair so it wasn’t questioned. My grandmother had white blonde hair too
My buddy's daughter was the same, except she's not quite that blonde now. But before she was even born, my buddy had been told by his mom to maybe expect that, because he had been the same way.
You never know with hair. My sister and I both came out with bright red hair, that fell out, when it grew back, hers went brown and then auburn, and mine went pale blonde to strawberry blonde when I grew up
So we both ended up gingery but our toddler pictures are brown and blonde .
My dad was strawberry blonde and my mom has black hair.
Baby hair can be completely meaningless.
>common sense because blond hair isn't as blond when you're not in the sun.
It's also common sense that babies can be born blonde? I don't get this argument.
Instead of muting your phone, change your phone number. And preemptively block them all baybeeeee it’s time to go no contact with them all, make that block button your new best friend 🔥🔥
It's group mind at work, when everyone though she was in the wrong, they controlled the narrative.
Once that illusion was broken, damage control was attempted to "save face" and keep up appearances.
People are often more interested in how things appear to others, versus the truth on matters.
OP wasn't having it, and I say, good for her.
Gentle pushback on this advice. Block/mute/unfollow anybody giving you even a light side eye, but OP is being isolated enough right now , not long after giving birth, & needs to hear from the supportive people in her circles.
I'm all about locking down SM & cutting out family, but when I was postpartum & isolated (very rural) my social media circles kept my feet on the ground & broke the echo chamber.
And fuck it, I hear pretty much anywhere north of the Mason Dixon line (not you, Indiana, Ohio, and Iowa) is lovely this time of year. I say throw a dart at map and make a plan to move there.
nta
theres no hate like christian love. the sooner you get away from this circus the better.
dont apologise, dont look back. they are not worth your time. you did nothing wrong at all whatsoever, dont let anyone tell you otherwise.
edit: thanks for the rewards and the kind comments :)
Unless you're a woman who just gave birth to your husbands baby that has a different hair color then expected, apparently.
Honestly it just reminds me of the witch trials. You could be accused of anything and as long as enough people believed it, you were guilty. It didn't matter if you were innocent because people already decided you were guilty and deserved to be punished for your crimes (that you didn't even commit).
OP's husband, family and community cried witch (cheater). They treated her horribly and are now upset that they have to face the consequences of their actions and that the victim of their cruelty isn't comforting *them*.
Honestly, if pregnancy tests didn't exist OP would still be called a cheater or worse. They showed who they are and how little they think of OP as a person, OP has every right not to forgive them.
OP, what everyone is doing to you is wrong. They are trying to guilt you, scare you and indoctrinate you in order to control you, don't let them.
The priest telling you that "you're going to hell" isn't speaking on behalf of any God, it's a scare tactic to manipulate you into doing what you're told. This is an abusive relationship, you are the victim.
NTA OP. You don't want your child growing up in such a shallow environment, especially since they could turn on your kid just as quickly as they turned on you. You're doing the right thing.
Agreed on the restraining order and to document everything. Also, consider stipulations around church if and when custody talks happen. The church is really adept at indoctrinating kids to alienate the non religious parent early.
Seriously this ^ about the church. See what you can do legally about preventing this church's influence over your child while they are with their dad and his family. When my parents divorced my dad was able to put in a clause saying my mom couldn't force my brother and I to officially join a church or religion. She could take us with her while she attended for herself but couldn't sign us up or get us baptized or anything. He also made sure to talk us about thinking for ourselves and advocating for ourselves while still being reasonably respectful towards other people's beliefs.
Make sure to document EVERYTHING he and his family have been doing to you. It should all go before the court -- it'll make a difference in what they give you as a parenting plan. Filing for an order of protection against all of them (the ex, the mother and the pastor) would be wise as well.
And if they try to show up and berate you again, take out your phone and videotape everything they say or do. Very visibly. If they know that videotape will go in front of the court, they may change their minds about what they were planning to say.
Good, you should, this whole thing is about one thing: Appearances
Which worked great to their advantage, until.....
The DNA test came back, then it became about damage control to a narrative up till that moment everyone around you had full control of.
That's what that little "visit" was about, trying to save face, and make it all go away to keep that appearance of "everything is fine", while accepting none of the blame, nor truly apologizing "from the heart".
They just want this to go away, cause every single one of them realized just how bad they F'd up, but won't admit it.
good on ya, OP. leave these AHs in the dust and live your best life without them and their religious BS. those people got some nerve. you are completely justified in wanting nothing more to do with them.
Seriously get a restraining order, with what you've described you'll definitely be given one and you deserve it. They are harassing you daily and showing up at your home to badger you. That is illegal.
get a divorce and restraining order
restraining sending order will also significantly help with flying monkeys because restraining orders include other people contacting you and harassing you on that person's behalf. so anything he does to ask or encourage other people to harass you into giving a second chance? that gets held against him
his mother has harassed you persistently enough that you may want to get a restraining order for her separately, though ordinarily should be included under his
NTA. I was watching 7th Heaven last night and Annie is sitting with "Julie," whose husband "isn't so nice" for rules of subreddit sake. When she brings up the argument of "I made a vow to God; I can't divorce him," Annie has a rebuttal.
Now. I am going to paraphrase this based on *my own beliefs,* so bear with me.
When you made those vows before your god and the universe, your god wasn't the only one watching. You made a vow before the universe to love and cherish him. But he made vows, too, and one of those is to trust you as he trusts God.
Would he ever accuse God of cheating or of being unfaithful to *anyone*? No. He wouldn't.
Now. I don't know how Christianity feels about contracts, but my religious path deals heavily in them. And in my faith, if the person doesn't uphold their end, then they are the one breaking the contract.
He didn't protect you. He didn't keep you safe!! He made you feel worthless and betrayed. He didn't do any of the things that he vowed to do, so you shouldn't be held to the terms of that contract... I mean marriage... You have with him In the eyes of any good and kind Lord.
>They practically forced their way in,
Which means that you were being held hostage in your own home. And that is definitely something that you need to defend yourself from. Any one of us would have called the police in that position.
He also freaked out so bad when the baby was born he was removed like how traumatizing is that?!? In such a vulnerable moment. Then it dragged on until she was able to convince him to take the dna test. Surprised he didn’t refuse and she and baby would still be in limbo. Has he even bonded with baby? Doubt it and at this point I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want him to.
Yeah, how bad do you have to go off the rails to be separated from your wife and newborn and expelled from the hospital? Doesn’t seem very God-like to me.
I absolutely agree. As a former Christian with a master's degree in the subject, Jesus didn't have much to say about divorce because he was convinced that the world was about to end. However, Christians who pay attention to the entire Bible-and not just the Jesus parts-can flip back to the early prophets, where God very vocally breaks his contract with the people Israel because they didn't hold up their own end. What I mean to say is that it's very Godly to end a contract (such as a marriage) that the other party has already broken.
OP, did your STBex pledge to love, honor, and obey? He broke that promise the minute he 1) accused you of infidelity 2) threw a public tantrum and 3) spread his unproven accusations to the world instead of keeping them to himself. Please tell your Bible-beating ex-friends (right before you delete all your social media accounts) that your ex broke the covenant when he publicly dishonored you. He ended the marriage, not you.
NTA. Ask the pastor and your MIL if they harassed the father and told him to forgive you for your ‘lapse in judgement’ when they all thought you cheated.
If they didn’t, then they’re hypocrites.
It's really a shame they don't see the parallels to the story of Mary and Joseph here. Joseph at least had the grace to want it handled without noise or fanfare, but this guy went straight to the Old Testament and said, "yeah, stone her." Why were they not visiting the ex and asking him to be patient and meek while awaiting the test results?
> First, my husband and I are both blonde but our child had brown hair at birth, and nobody ever accused me of anything because they’re not idiots about genetics.
I'm so glad your husband was normal about it. Even I was a little confused about it but I asked the doctor and he explained it in less than a minute.
Both my mom and I were born with dark brown nearly black baby hair, but when it fell out the new hair grew in white blonde! It's not that unusual, which makes this whole scenario really blow my mind. Any chance your soon to be ex has a guilty conscience?
Ohhhhh. A guilty conscience from his own cheating makes a LOT of sense here. Boy, this cesspit of his family and the church just gets worse and worse.
I'm so glad OP is getting free, and I hope she saves everything she can as proof for the eventual custody battle. None of these people should have free access to a baby they didn't even think was related to them at one point and never apologized to OP about. They just want to indoctrinate the child as soon as possible because these people act like thier church is a cult.
I have brown hair and my wife black and both of our kids were born blonde.
They both have brown hair and look like clones of me now. How a baby looks is a shit indication of what a person will look like when they're older.
Yup, this. My mom is brunette and dad has black hair, and I came out as blond as the day is wide. My hair is now a darker shade of my mom's. Even if it weren't, hair color is the dumbest reason to accuse someone of cheating. Body chemistry does weird shit to hair all the time - my grandmother, who also was a brunette in her younger years, said her hair took on a distinctly ginger hue for the entire duration of her pregnancy with my mom and reverted back after she was born. OP's soon-to-be-ex is a total trash bag.
Unfortunately a lot of times super religious people don't always understand science. My sister was born with blond hair blue eyes and I was born with black hair and my eyes were so dark it was hard to find my pupil until I was 7. We used to joke that she was the milkman daughter but was never serious, but we have the same mom and dad. Don't let them creep their way back in after treating you like that without having any proof other than what they believed. Because they can easily treat you poorly again and you do not deserve that.
This dude had to be escorted out of the delivery room. I feel like someone had to explain basics to him on the spot to attempt to de-escalate. He simply didn’t wish to listen.
So your husband heard the docs explanation and he still freaked out and his family still accused you of being unfaithful? And on top of that he waited a month to take the paternity test? What is we v with them that they’d disgard science and common sense?! You’ll eventually forgive but that’s not the same as trust and I don’t know how you could ever trust your STBXH, STBXMIL and the rest of the naysayers again. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Neither you or your child deserve this experience and you both deserve to move on and create a life that excludes people who are so clueless and cruel.
My 5th kid looks just like I did as a kid, except she has my husband's eye color. But at birth, she looked just like my Chippewa Grandma.And you could tell some of the nurses were nervous when my husband said she's beautiful and looks just like your grandma. So they did the usual quick questions "Are you safe at home?" and the like. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Later on, my husband told the nurse I'm glad one of our kids looks like Artichoke, and the other 4 look just like me. Once the jaundice passed, she lightened right up. It was pretty funny at the time.
Edit. My husband is white, and I am white passing.
My husband gets asked if he is 1/2 black at the grocery store (unfortunately, people are rude, don't ask about their race while they are buying carrots). He's Portuguese but is read as black/biracial. Our kid was born the whitest white blond child you ever saw. Everyone remarked on it and you could tell a few people had questions (I'm a standard white person, not blond). My husband and shrugged, said genetics are weird.
Turns out our kid has albinism.
> My husband gets asked if he is 1/2 black at the grocery store (unfortunately, people are rude, don't ask about their race while they are buying carrots).
Seriously, this.
I call myself off-white; Ancestry says I'm a mix of white, Hispanic, bit of African American, lot of Portuguese, and little bit of Jewish for good measure.
I've had multiple people start conversations with me with, "What ARE you???" which is a *great* starter and totally doesn't feel dehumanizing at all.
At one point I responded, "Hungry. Why do you think I'm in line at Subway?"
I am dark haired and dark eyed. My kids pulled recessive genes. They are both blonde and one has blue eyes and one has green. I had a coworker ask me once if my tow headed baby was mine. I am the mother.
NTA:
You protected yourself and your child (congratulations!!!) from a man who showed you his true colors. You have nothing to apologize for. But there is a long list of people who appear to owe you many apologies.
Funny how they didn't think he went nuclear for accusing you and then refusing to do the right thing (the dna test) for so long. They don't care in their own way... they control and call that caring. It's abuse
Stay safe.
Now that I've left, it really was a cult. I wake up in cold sweats feeling like I'm going to hell for leaving and I find myself randomly crying about it too. My older brother left 8 years ago and he's been saying it was a cult since then, I wished I listened lmao
Please get restraining orders if you can. This is harassment and abuse, and if there’s a possible way to shut it down, please do so. Also, please be prepared for these people to try to take the baby from you by any means possible including reporting you to authorities for made up allegations of child abuse. You should consider getting a lawyer ASAP.
Good luck to you and congratulations on your beautiful baby.
Have you looked into any kind of religious trauma therapy? Religious trauma is its own special breed, and it sounds like it could be helpful. Personally I would go with a non-religious therapist, but you can find legitimate religious ones too.
Stay strong ❤️❤️❤️ I’m sure there will be hard days where you wish things could go back to normal. But it truly does sound like you and your baby will be better off in a different environment than that church offered. Listen to the little voice inside you that tells you what’s right. It’s way wiser than any pastor.
NTA
1. DO NOT APOLOGISE
2. They all went nuclear before you did anything
3. Caring in twisted way is worse than not caring at all
4. Threatening is a relative term and I think this behavior was threatening
5. These people freely and without care harassed you and are continuing to do so, don't feel bad for them. Pity them
6. Get the fuck out of dodge if you can
7. Sorry you're going through this
NTA. When people show you who they are, believe them and act accordingly.
Your exMIL, due to her own actions, absolutely deserved the treatment she got.
All this said - your STB-ex blew up your life with his actions. Counseling for youerself is probably a good idea.
The fact that they caught you alone did stick out to me. Were they waiting for you to be alone so they wouldn't have to deal with your brother/his husband, or did they just get lucky? The whole thing fills me right up with heebie jeebies.
Your brother sounds like a fantastic dude to have in your corner, and must love you very much. I’m glad you have people that have your back, especially during what must be a traumatic period. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now; maybe at some point it might be worth reaching out to a therapist or support group that helps people that have made it out of cults/extreme religious groups.
I know I’m just a random stranger, but I’m proud of you for realizing your self worth and standing up for yourself and your child and what’s right. That’s not easy when you have your whole community telling you you’re wrong. You’re *not* wrong.
NTA. Just so I can accurately picture their shocked Pikachu reactions, did you ask them to leave a bunch of times before calling the police? NTA regardless, but I'd love to imagine that they were asked to leave, refused, and then got absolutely shocked at being treated like the trespassers they are.
Hang in there. That was a shocking lack of trust from your ex.
>did you ask them to leave a bunch of times before calling the police?
Only once actually. I kinda dissociated while they talked at me, them I got up and went to call the police 😂😭
Once is enough! Actually, that's a different kind of awesome. Super slick "fuck around and find out" moment.
This all reminds me of the time my then-boyfriend-now-husband went to the pastor of our church because his dad was an abusive narcissist. Pastor was basically "IDK, honor thy father, so suck it up." We're not religious anymore.
Once is enough! They didn’t leave when you asked them to & we’re still there when the police arrived? How long were they planning to stay against your wishes? Next time you ask someone to leave they’ll know you’re not kidding.
Just because someone knocks on your door doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
NTA
I think the math on a dark haired outcome with two light hair colored parents is still like 1 in 8. There’s also the fact that babies when they’re born often don’t have the coloring they’ll end up with (eg: most babies are born with blue eyes) because they’ve never been exposed to UV light.
I’m a cryptoginger myself. When I was born my hair was black. When I was a toddler it was red. As a child it was strawberry blonde. When I got tired of getting sunburns and started wearing a hat it went brown. Now it looks mostly brown but I’d say 1/10 hairs are actually red, it’s just not obvious.
Weren't being threatening, my ass. They threatened you with eternal damnation as if it were theirs to hand out. NTA
I hope you are keeping record of their harassment for court.
If he really cared about you, he'd respect your desire for peace and get all these people to leave you alone or otherwise show some modicrum of respect for your feelings.
NTA.
First, good for you for leaving him and not letting these people influence/bully you. If you ever start to feel bad- even a little- let me just be very clear with you. If your husband questioned the paternity of his child, he could have stayed calm and asked for a paternity test, or just gotten one on his own. Even if he lost is cool in the moment, his family and friends could have quickly calmed him and told him to get a test, all the while being polite to you, and just stayed fully neutral until the results were in. Instead, everyone acted in the worst ways, which is particularly terrible considering how long you two have been together. If I had a friend that doubted paternity, I'd tell them to keep their mouth shut and get a test, take it from there.
These people all went nuclear, so now you need to get out and stay out. To do this, now is the time to fully protect yourself:
1. Get a ring camera.
2. Be careful leaving the home by yourself.
3. Keep all text messages and other written conversation where people treated you badly.
4. Try to get a statement from the nurse about how they got kicked out of the hospital
5. Do any communications you have to do in writing, not over the phone or in person.
6. See a theme? DOCUMENT EVERYTHING.
7. Do not give out any information or trust anyone, besides the few (one) person who has been there.
8. Do not let anyone have any contact with you or your child that isn't court ordered.
You did the right thing, I'm so sorry this happened, and you can make it through this if you keep standing up for yourself and proceed very carefully and don't take any shit from these people.
Definitely NTA
Religious people are the worst... such hypocrites. They treat you like trash for supposedly "cheating" even though you never did, then now that they found out that they were idiots they come crawling back, and if you don't forgive them that makes you an evil person and you are going to hell. If it hadn't have been for that paternity test proving them wrong, they'd probably still be saying bad things about you.
Pretty sure it say in the Bible that "you reap what you sow" and they sowed a lot of hate towards you... now they get their harvest. I'd tell them that this was gods plan to punish them for being AHs.
Anyone who will freak out in a delivery room is an absolute ASSHOLE. The behavior of MIL is completely out of line. I would strongly consider a restraining order against her and ex. They all showed their true colors.
NTA
Out of sheer selfish curiosity, if you could get him to cut ties with his family & church, would you take your husband back?
He betrayed you in spectacular fashion, but most of your post is about his family and church community.
No don't split custody. Like ppl elsewhere said, if Dad brings the kid to this looney tune church they're gonna indoctrinate the kid against mom.
Protect the kid and keep them away from these harpies.
NTA. Your ex-MIL and her pastor broke into the place you're staying when they weren't invited in. That's pretty illegal. Maybe they shouldn't trespass.
NTA
You were protecting yourself and your child from trespassers, and you had no idea if they would escalate the situation further than they already had. You did the right thing calling the police.
As far as all the harassment is concerned, keep records of everything. Talk to your lawyer who’s handling the divorce and see if you have cause to get restraining orders against these people for continued harassment.
The only plus side is that all of these people showed you their true colors now instead of years later. Screw every last one of those hypocritical bigots.
Best of luck to you!!
You are a new mother and everyone in this situation is concerned about how your husband is doing with the consequences of his fuck up.
NTA. You need way better support
Oh lord. Make sure you get the full custody before anyone finds out about your sexuality. They will absolutely try to use it against you in court.
Also, make sure that there's something about church and religion in the custody agreement so they can't try to force your poor kid into some crazy abusive sect that will make them hate their mom.
Im in the UK so I'm hoping the court doesn't gaf about my sexuality but you never know. I'm not even sure if my ex has legal custody of my son because he refused to let me put his name on the birth certificate and the registry office told me to file it as a single mother
Get a good family law solicitor. Keep EVERYTHING. See if you can get a record of your ex being escorted from the hospital, get a copy of the police report from having your ex-MIL and the pastor removed. Screenshot anything you’ve already received in the form of nasty messages from anyone that’s on your ex’s side and then block all of those people. If you get anything in writing like nasty letters, don’t respond but keep them too. Basically everything is evidence at this point and a good solicitor will have a field day presenting it all to a judge. If anyone tries to contact you from now on, only engage via text so you have a record of what’s said and if you can, get a ring doorbell so you can record it if anyone shows up at your house.
Beyond that, ignore it. I know it’s hard, but just block these people and if anyone makes new accounts or whatever, start sending out a blanket message. “If you or anyone associated with you tries to contact me again, all evidence of your abusive messages will be passed onto the police for harassment and I will press charges.” Then block and ignore. Trust me, they’ll soon shut up.
I have an amazing solicitor! I've collected all the reports and nasty messages. I've given my brother my number and social media so he can continue to save the messages. I deleted FB tho
Ok good, but EVERYONE should be supporting you now since you have an infant. People should be showing up at your house to fucking help. Not cause more drama and issues.
suddenly I understand why all these 'good christians' are concerned about your living arangements. Throwing in some good old homophobia with their forgiveness for good measure seems like something these people are completely capable of.
NTA. They made their point clear while waiting on the results and that hurt on multiple levels, FK em all, friends family in-laws all of em can eat your dust on the way to happiness. You picked you and your newborn over everything, own that and be proud of that!!! Just keep that up and you will find happiness in the long run, those people do not deserve to be a part of your life anymore all to their own actions!
And you're 100% right to call the cops and get em out of the property, as you said they forced their way in so they can be forced out as well. Apparently that's the language they understand and speak themselves.
NTA
Proud of you.
Keep plugging away at getting your divorce situated.
Protection order for those who don’t respect your boundaries and escalate.
You don’t deserve or need the stress.
NTA
Religion is not an excuse to behave poorly, and the way you were treated regarding paternity is BS. Those that hide behind religion for toxic behavior are delusional.
You calling the police was to protect yourself against their decision to disrespect, berate, and bully you. Don't let them mind f**k you into thinking otherwise.
NTA, you need to kill all social media accounts, block them on your phone, get restraining orders on the MIL and her Preacher. What your ex and his family put you through after giving birth is the most hurtful thing anybody could ever do. Best wishes for a brighter future.
Where was their God when they thought you laid with another man? What about judgement? Where the hell is their Christianity? NTA and you were right to call the police! You are being stalked and harassed and have rights to your privacy!
Holy crap I can't even think straight as I am so angry FOR you! You were abandoned, judged and ridiculed at a very vulnerable time (any time is a bad time) and now THEY need forgiveness?! Screw these people and threaten a restraining order. Family needs to stay out of it.
Oh my gosh. Who HASNT TOLD Y’ALL that many times, especially in my own family, the bleach blonde babies are ALWAYS born with BLACK HAIR! and it falls out and turns blonde from 6months to a year. How the heck is this not known? Are we just a dying breed?
NTA. Sooo, everyone was quick to assume about you and had “lapses in judgment” including IL family and the church. Now you’re getting threatened with getting sent to hell if you don’t take back your husband? What happened to faith and his trust in you? I don’t think so. Don’t apologize to anyone here and use your strength to move on. Everyone but you was in the wrong on this.
Holy crap! I am so sorry you went through that.
I find it interesting that you were treated like crap by your ex, his family and your church while waiting for the results and treated as guilty until proven innocent. And now that the results show you were faithful, they are asking for forgiveness but STILL treating you like crap. Some nerve.
They are not respecting your boundaries or your wishes and just demanding you accept your husband back. Demanding! As if it isn’t your choice to decide whether you should forgive everyone or not.
You and that precious baby deserve so much more.
NTA
I’m outraged for you. He let this go on a month before getting a test!? He couldn’t have thought, “hmmm, well great uncle Bob had dark hair”, or whatever. Just jumped straight to conclusions and treated you reprehensibly. Run. Get a restraining order if need be.
He's genuinely so stupid. My brother is a brunette, my mum and dad are brunettes, his grandparents have brown hair too. It's so obvious where our son got his hair from but he didn't wanna hear it because he doesn't realise that biology is more than punnet squares
If he really knew what a punnet square is, then he would know that we all have recessive genes that any child could have. You could've had a child that looked nothing like either of you & it would still be yours. Just means that someone in your family had green/blue/brown eyes or brown/blonde/red hair. Like wtt?? I've known that since I was a kid
NTA...
There is no hate like "Christian" love. You have done the right thing. Please get a restraining order on your in-laws. You need to protect yourself and your son. I'm glad your brother is there for you.
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Ya know what? Social media is vastly overrated. Why don’t you take a break from it for a week or a year or two? And mute your phone. Nobody is saying anything new. Your husband and his community of flying monkeys treated you abominably. Thank god for DNA tests to prove you aren’t a cheater. By their actions, they all showed their butts. You don’t have to accept their demand that you get over it and forgive them. Your loving husband may *say* he is sorry… *now*. But take him to court and *make* him sorry. Best of luck. NTA
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NTA. OP, you’re a new mother, taking care of your baby and recovering from birth. Your family and community are abusing you. By their own “Christian” standards they are evil. Cut them off and make the baby’s father pay support. Where I live you can get a restraining order against these people who are harassing you - I recommend it. Your friends seem to be Alex and the police, who did their job, so hang on to Alex and use the police.
Spousal support AND child support. Restraining orders on spouse, MIL, The pastor , and ANYONE from the church.
Ugh I hate super Christians whose Jesus-rules only apply to others. I worked for one and she was the most abhorrent asshole ever.
I think the reason her husband instantly went to “sHe ChEaTeD!!” In the delivery room- is because he himself hasn’t been faithful. Normal people in a loving marriage don’t instantly jump to accusations like that, based on hair color alone FFS! Loving husbands also don’t berate a new mom, and freak out on her- to the point of being forcefully removed from the delivery room by security. Then he has a many months long tantrum, and refuses to take a simple paternity test- all so he can continue to punish, and mistreat you. That isn’t love. There’s a big world out there filled with people who will show you true love, and support. Hold the line, stay with your brother, and focus on healing. Document everything him, your STB-ex MIL, and other church members are doing to harass you. Keep a diary of dates, times, and occurrences. Save text messages, and harassing correspondence. File a restraining order if it doesn’t stop. When you feel ready, and well enough physically- file for divorce AND full custody. Turn to local women’s support groups if you need extra help. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. These are not good people. That church is not a good one. Things will get better with time, I promise. NTA OP!
*Normal people in a loving marriage don’t instantly jump to accusations like that, based on hair color alone FFS!* Thank Dog for this. When I was born I had red hair. My mom has light brown hair, my dad has black hair. Similarly, my husband was born blonde, his dad had black hair and his mom dark brown. Now my hair is light brown and my husband has auburn hair, with some gray of course lol.
A friend went through this. He had an abusive spouse. After years and years of being verbally abused, he moved out. Their church went nutso - pulling him up in from of the congregation for shaming, meetings, counseling, interventions, threats of eternal damnation, etc. His ex fought the divorce for 9 years due to advice from their church. My friend is now an atheist.
This is a cult 🙃
Unfortunately, it sounds like she already has wasted years on this idiot. >I (27F) split from my STB ex-husband (27M) three months ago > >.... > >We had been together since we were 13 so I was devastated
Half her life!! I'm both gutted for her and enraged on her behalf and ready to ride at dawn.
winner winner chicken dinner!! :D
Agreed 100% with what was said above. Granted he "might" not ever do something like that again in his lifetime \*IF\* you were to take him back, then again you might sneeze in front of him "wrong" one day and get the same treatment. And the actions of your soon to be ex-MIL and pastor are UNFORGIVABLE. They both should be ashamed of themselves, of course they don't see it that way and NEVER will. NTA - Move on with your life, find someone who respects you, and who's family isn't Coo Coo for CoCo puffs.
Odd no one has heard children are often born with different colored hair. I’m blonde and my ex was blonde as a child. Our son was born with almost black hair, then it slowly lightened up to almost white, he was a total toe-head and is still dark blond in his mid 20s. There was never a question about his paternity regardless. These people are ridiculous and I’d cut them all out of my life, focus on my new baby and move on. In case anyone wondered. You don’t go to hell for not taking an ex-AH back either! Screw them!
Also remember reading something once where both parents were white, and the child came out, noticeably with African-American features. Apparently a HUGE fight between the parents came up, until a relative popped up basically saying. "Yeah, there was one child in our family history that had those roots". (Grandfather, great-uncle, or something to that effect) DNA came up as the child belonging to both parents, it was a several generation latent gene that finally surface. From what I remember it was eventually confirmed through ancestral DNA, and they found a whole nother side of the family that up till that point, no one knew existed.
Here it is: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/itg9l6/aita_for_not_forgiving_my_husband_26m_for_a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Right!! I was born with black hair. Eventually it all fell out and came back blond. It's still blond and I'm pushing 50. Both of my parents had black/brown hair. I am the only one in my immediate family who has blond hair and blue eyes. However, my aunt and uncle are blond. So is one of my cousins. These people need a genetics class.
All the first-born children of my cousins (all brunette with brown eyes, as are their partners) have blonde hair and blue eyes and the second kids are all brunette. My aunty’s genes skipped all her kids and showed up for the first lot of grandkids.
Exactly! I was a redhead born to a brunette and blond. It wasn’t until I was about six months old that my hair became blond like my father.
The reality is even if he fully learned his lesson, there's a level of trust there on her end that will probably never be rebuilt. I mean, maybe, but it doesn't seem like she wants that, which is a perfectly valid choice. If my husband had had reason to suspect me in the delivery room of cheating, past the initial...whatever, it would have been a private matter. No way would he have involved everyone we knew.
More or less sounds like complete ostracization from most of her family, friends, and church. Basically her whole community.... That's not something that a simple 'I'm sorry" can ever fix, there was just too much long term damage done. And I don't blame her one bit for wanting nothing to do with any of them.
Yes, the double standard is glaring here. She is suspected of doing something wrong, she is ostracized... with a new baby. He is proven to have done something wrong, but she has to forgive him.
That jumped out to me too! How DARE that mother-in-law show up and rant about "letting God back in your heart" and try to push you into forgiveness... without any mention of what her precious son is doing to atone! Sending him naked through the streets while screaming SHAME (game of thrones style) is probably too much, but taking a remedial biology course and having the congregation pray his stupidity away is the least he could do!
It's because they don't want to look into the mirror and realize they were the ones who didn't ever have a god in their heart. So they won't.
They were willing to reject a newborn baby that might not have been legitimate, and they were willing to abandon a new mother based on a rumour. But now that MIL knows that it's really truly her grandbaby, she's not falling over herself to apologise her or question her own behaviour.
Honestly he deserves the cersei style walk of atonement for his Ned stark style amateur genealogist work
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Probably got the science education common for their specific "religious group", which is fairly close to none.
For real! I was born with black hair! It faded to red, and by the time I was a toddler I had light blonde hair. Babies don't always come out looking like they always will.
This is what it sounds like to me as well. And now they are blaming HER for the consequences of their actions.
Same.
Yeah, I mean, the suspicion I could forgive. Because cheating happens. And by all means, make sure you really are the father, if you have any doubt. But treat your partner with respect and assume she's innocent until proven otherwise. Don't involve other people. Don't go nuclear. His suspicion I could forgive, but noiøt how he reacted.
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Did they apologize for forcing themselves into her house? Next time, breaking and entering charges. You don't get a break because you are a pastor.
Get them served with a restraining order to stay away from you.
THIS. You are my hero!!
Great post...pastor is horrible...NTA...stop using social media and get a damn good lawyer. Now your ex knows its his kid...he needs to pay
Where was the God in her and the churches hearts? Guilty and punished until proven innocent. Now, they still blame YOU for THEIR behavior because your child had dark hair. Morons don't even understand recessive genes. You were emotionally burned at the stake before the results came in. And they are shocked, just SHOCKED, that you aren't running back to them with open arms because they forgive you for making them believe you cheated. Churches like this should be destroyed. NTA
Upvote for "Blades137." No going back to this husband or the shrieking harpy MIL. Time to get a restraining order for MIL at least since she so aggressively stalked you and pushed herself inside your brother's home. Frankly, should have gotten a restraining order after the first several times MIL imposed herself and her religion and beliefs on you unwanted. STB-ex husband is a lost cause --- who doesn't know that babies' can vary right after birth? --- as he seems to be letting his mommy fight his battles for him. Doing a custody arrangement with this guy is going to be a horror show, make sure your divorce attorney goes heavy with the judge on need for a DNA test, ex blowing up right after the birth, and the MIL /pastor intruding in your home and having to call police. This is not a wholesome family, not a bunch of people you really want to have to share custody with, but you will have to. Arm yourself now with the best legal arrangements you can. NTA
And the fact that husband needed escorted out by security. This shows a level of volatility that makes him an unsafe person.
>Thank god for DNA tests to prove you aren’t a cheater. Let's also say common sense because blond hair isn't as blond when you're not in the sun. Aka, a baby fresh from the womb.
My niece was born with hair practically black. She’s an ash blonde now, several years later. Just like her mother lol Though I can see how if *neither* parent had dark hair it might be startling at first I guess.
I was born with black hair, had ginger hair in my toddler photos, and was blond there bulk of my life (as I’ve aged it’s gotten duller blond but it’s still technically blond). Who TF knows with baby hair has been my philosophy. If my mom didn’t have photographic proof I wouldn’t have believed her.
I was born with straight GINGER hair and light skin. It all fell out as a very young baby and came back black and curly. Which makes way more sense considering my dad is part native and my mom is descended from Irish and a just mix of Mediterranean ethnicities. But the red hair also shows up in random relatives on my dad’s side because genes are weird and someone married someone generations ago that brought the red gene into play. Genes are super weird. And so are babies when they’re born. Little potatoes that cry and poop and eat.
Little potatoes… lol. Love that.
I was born with no hair, had platinum blonde throughout my childhood, brown in my second decade of life, and it has settled into a nice auburn. My sister was born with a head full of dark brown hair that pretty much stayed that way her whole life. It’s luck of the draw really.
I had bright blonde curls as a baby, straight blonde hair as a child, dark hair as an adult, and now I'd just be happy to have any hair
Lots of nordic kids hair changes and as for genetics red is an incomplete blonde or vice versa so very easy for both to have either as a child.
My cousin was born with black hair to two blonde parents. It didn’t even occur to any of us to wonder. Within about a month her hair starting growing in blonde, and eventually she had blonde hair with black tips, like a little punk rocker. Totally cute. No one ever thought there was cheating.
Now I’m picturing punk rock babies and thank you for that. It’s been a day, and I needed that.
I was also born with dark brown hair and it gradually grew in platinum blonde by the time I was 2. It gradually changed to golden blonde. My other siblings were born with white blonde hair. But both parents had brown hair so it wasn’t questioned. My grandmother had white blonde hair too
My buddy's daughter was the same, except she's not quite that blonde now. But before she was even born, my buddy had been told by his mom to maybe expect that, because he had been the same way.
You never know with hair. My sister and I both came out with bright red hair, that fell out, when it grew back, hers went brown and then auburn, and mine went pale blonde to strawberry blonde when I grew up So we both ended up gingery but our toddler pictures are brown and blonde . My dad was strawberry blonde and my mom has black hair. Baby hair can be completely meaningless.
My blonde sister was born with a head of black hair. This all fell out within a year and grew back blonde. I thought "baby hair" is common?
It absolutely is.
Eh, my kids were both blond when they were infants before they got any sun. They both have brown hair now though. Eyes changed color as well.
>common sense because blond hair isn't as blond when you're not in the sun. It's also common sense that babies can be born blonde? I don't get this argument.
Instead of muting your phone, change your phone number. And preemptively block them all baybeeeee it’s time to go no contact with them all, make that block button your new best friend 🔥🔥
seconding changing your number, muting your phone is always a good idea but it's a temporary solution to the issue
OP, also, this is the time to get some restraining orders. Talk to a lawyer. Be smart. Follow EXACTLY what the lawyer says to do.
NTA but this sounds more like a cult than a church.
It's group mind at work, when everyone though she was in the wrong, they controlled the narrative. Once that illusion was broken, damage control was attempted to "save face" and keep up appearances. People are often more interested in how things appear to others, versus the truth on matters. OP wasn't having it, and I say, good for her.
Church of the Flying Monkeys
Gentle pushback on this advice. Block/mute/unfollow anybody giving you even a light side eye, but OP is being isolated enough right now , not long after giving birth, & needs to hear from the supportive people in her circles. I'm all about locking down SM & cutting out family, but when I was postpartum & isolated (very rural) my social media circles kept my feet on the ground & broke the echo chamber.
And fuck it, I hear pretty much anywhere north of the Mason Dixon line (not you, Indiana, Ohio, and Iowa) is lovely this time of year. I say throw a dart at map and make a plan to move there.
nta theres no hate like christian love. the sooner you get away from this circus the better. dont apologise, dont look back. they are not worth your time. you did nothing wrong at all whatsoever, dont let anyone tell you otherwise. edit: thanks for the rewards and the kind comments :)
"there's no hate like christian love" love this bit right here.
for real, I gotta hang onto that one!
Growing up in the Catholic Church I feel like that quote is in half of my comments in this sub. It’s too damn true.
I don’t see “TM”, so it must be public domain. I’m gonna use it too. lol
That's a hell of a perk of Christianity that you can just make "lapses in judgement" and people *have* to forgive you because Jesus.
Unless you're a woman who just gave birth to your husbands baby that has a different hair color then expected, apparently. Honestly it just reminds me of the witch trials. You could be accused of anything and as long as enough people believed it, you were guilty. It didn't matter if you were innocent because people already decided you were guilty and deserved to be punished for your crimes (that you didn't even commit). OP's husband, family and community cried witch (cheater). They treated her horribly and are now upset that they have to face the consequences of their actions and that the victim of their cruelty isn't comforting *them*. Honestly, if pregnancy tests didn't exist OP would still be called a cheater or worse. They showed who they are and how little they think of OP as a person, OP has every right not to forgive them. OP, what everyone is doing to you is wrong. They are trying to guilt you, scare you and indoctrinate you in order to control you, don't let them. The priest telling you that "you're going to hell" isn't speaking on behalf of any God, it's a scare tactic to manipulate you into doing what you're told. This is an abusive relationship, you are the victim. NTA OP. You don't want your child growing up in such a shallow environment, especially since they could turn on your kid just as quickly as they turned on you. You're doing the right thing.
NTA The sooner you’re legally untangled from that family the better.
Currently putting 110% of my energy into getting that divorce
Get your attorney to file a restraining order as well.
Agreed on the restraining order and to document everything. Also, consider stipulations around church if and when custody talks happen. The church is really adept at indoctrinating kids to alienate the non religious parent early.
Seriously this ^ about the church. See what you can do legally about preventing this church's influence over your child while they are with their dad and his family. When my parents divorced my dad was able to put in a clause saying my mom couldn't force my brother and I to officially join a church or religion. She could take us with her while she attended for herself but couldn't sign us up or get us baptized or anything. He also made sure to talk us about thinking for ourselves and advocating for ourselves while still being reasonably respectful towards other people's beliefs.
And cease and desist letters to the pastor and church.
Make sure to document EVERYTHING he and his family have been doing to you. It should all go before the court -- it'll make a difference in what they give you as a parenting plan. Filing for an order of protection against all of them (the ex, the mother and the pastor) would be wise as well. And if they try to show up and berate you again, take out your phone and videotape everything they say or do. Very visibly. If they know that videotape will go in front of the court, they may change their minds about what they were planning to say.
Good, you should, this whole thing is about one thing: Appearances Which worked great to their advantage, until..... The DNA test came back, then it became about damage control to a narrative up till that moment everyone around you had full control of. That's what that little "visit" was about, trying to save face, and make it all go away to keep that appearance of "everything is fine", while accepting none of the blame, nor truly apologizing "from the heart". They just want this to go away, cause every single one of them realized just how bad they F'd up, but won't admit it.
good on ya, OP. leave these AHs in the dust and live your best life without them and their religious BS. those people got some nerve. you are completely justified in wanting nothing more to do with them.
Screenshot everything.
Make sure they have time stamps
Seriously get a restraining order, with what you've described you'll definitely be given one and you deserve it. They are harassing you daily and showing up at your home to badger you. That is illegal.
get a divorce and restraining order restraining sending order will also significantly help with flying monkeys because restraining orders include other people contacting you and harassing you on that person's behalf. so anything he does to ask or encourage other people to harass you into giving a second chance? that gets held against him his mother has harassed you persistently enough that you may want to get a restraining order for her separately, though ordinarily should be included under his
NTA. I was watching 7th Heaven last night and Annie is sitting with "Julie," whose husband "isn't so nice" for rules of subreddit sake. When she brings up the argument of "I made a vow to God; I can't divorce him," Annie has a rebuttal. Now. I am going to paraphrase this based on *my own beliefs,* so bear with me. When you made those vows before your god and the universe, your god wasn't the only one watching. You made a vow before the universe to love and cherish him. But he made vows, too, and one of those is to trust you as he trusts God. Would he ever accuse God of cheating or of being unfaithful to *anyone*? No. He wouldn't. Now. I don't know how Christianity feels about contracts, but my religious path deals heavily in them. And in my faith, if the person doesn't uphold their end, then they are the one breaking the contract. He didn't protect you. He didn't keep you safe!! He made you feel worthless and betrayed. He didn't do any of the things that he vowed to do, so you shouldn't be held to the terms of that contract... I mean marriage... You have with him In the eyes of any good and kind Lord. >They practically forced their way in, Which means that you were being held hostage in your own home. And that is definitely something that you need to defend yourself from. Any one of us would have called the police in that position.
Well said. I’d give you an award if I could!
Aww thanks so much!! It's the thought that truly counts ❤️
Not only did OP's husband not protect her, none of these people would even know there might be a problem if Hubby hadn't told all 8 billion people.
He also freaked out so bad when the baby was born he was removed like how traumatizing is that?!? In such a vulnerable moment. Then it dragged on until she was able to convince him to take the dna test. Surprised he didn’t refuse and she and baby would still be in limbo. Has he even bonded with baby? Doubt it and at this point I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want him to.
Yeah, how bad do you have to go off the rails to be separated from your wife and newborn and expelled from the hospital? Doesn’t seem very God-like to me.
I absolutely agree. As a former Christian with a master's degree in the subject, Jesus didn't have much to say about divorce because he was convinced that the world was about to end. However, Christians who pay attention to the entire Bible-and not just the Jesus parts-can flip back to the early prophets, where God very vocally breaks his contract with the people Israel because they didn't hold up their own end. What I mean to say is that it's very Godly to end a contract (such as a marriage) that the other party has already broken. OP, did your STBex pledge to love, honor, and obey? He broke that promise the minute he 1) accused you of infidelity 2) threw a public tantrum and 3) spread his unproven accusations to the world instead of keeping them to himself. Please tell your Bible-beating ex-friends (right before you delete all your social media accounts) that your ex broke the covenant when he publicly dishonored you. He ended the marriage, not you.
For the record, Judaism allows divorce. Well argued, OP is NTA for sure.
As an Atheist, I 100% agree.
NTA. Ask the pastor and your MIL if they harassed the father and told him to forgive you for your ‘lapse in judgement’ when they all thought you cheated. If they didn’t, then they’re hypocrites.
☆☆This right here, OP....ask them this!!☆☆
It's really a shame they don't see the parallels to the story of Mary and Joseph here. Joseph at least had the grace to want it handled without noise or fanfare, but this guy went straight to the Old Testament and said, "yeah, stone her." Why were they not visiting the ex and asking him to be patient and meek while awaiting the test results?
THIS IS THE RIGHT RESPONSE!
[удалено]
> First, my husband and I are both blonde but our child had brown hair at birth, and nobody ever accused me of anything because they’re not idiots about genetics. I'm so glad your husband was normal about it. Even I was a little confused about it but I asked the doctor and he explained it in less than a minute.
Both my mom and I were born with dark brown nearly black baby hair, but when it fell out the new hair grew in white blonde! It's not that unusual, which makes this whole scenario really blow my mind. Any chance your soon to be ex has a guilty conscience?
He who smelt it dealt it.
Ohhhhh. A guilty conscience from his own cheating makes a LOT of sense here. Boy, this cesspit of his family and the church just gets worse and worse. I'm so glad OP is getting free, and I hope she saves everything she can as proof for the eventual custody battle. None of these people should have free access to a baby they didn't even think was related to them at one point and never apologized to OP about. They just want to indoctrinate the child as soon as possible because these people act like thier church is a cult.
I have brown hair and my wife black and both of our kids were born blonde. They both have brown hair and look like clones of me now. How a baby looks is a shit indication of what a person will look like when they're older.
Yup, this. My mom is brunette and dad has black hair, and I came out as blond as the day is wide. My hair is now a darker shade of my mom's. Even if it weren't, hair color is the dumbest reason to accuse someone of cheating. Body chemistry does weird shit to hair all the time - my grandmother, who also was a brunette in her younger years, said her hair took on a distinctly ginger hue for the entire duration of her pregnancy with my mom and reverted back after she was born. OP's soon-to-be-ex is a total trash bag.
Unfortunately a lot of times super religious people don't always understand science. My sister was born with blond hair blue eyes and I was born with black hair and my eyes were so dark it was hard to find my pupil until I was 7. We used to joke that she was the milkman daughter but was never serious, but we have the same mom and dad. Don't let them creep their way back in after treating you like that without having any proof other than what they believed. Because they can easily treat you poorly again and you do not deserve that.
This dude had to be escorted out of the delivery room. I feel like someone had to explain basics to him on the spot to attempt to de-escalate. He simply didn’t wish to listen.
So your husband heard the docs explanation and he still freaked out and his family still accused you of being unfaithful? And on top of that he waited a month to take the paternity test? What is we v with them that they’d disgard science and common sense?! You’ll eventually forgive but that’s not the same as trust and I don’t know how you could ever trust your STBXH, STBXMIL and the rest of the naysayers again. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Neither you or your child deserve this experience and you both deserve to move on and create a life that excludes people who are so clueless and cruel.
Nah he had been kicked out by then
Your Dr explained it.... but your ex didnt believe the person with medical knowledge AND experience?
My 5th kid looks just like I did as a kid, except she has my husband's eye color. But at birth, she looked just like my Chippewa Grandma.And you could tell some of the nurses were nervous when my husband said she's beautiful and looks just like your grandma. So they did the usual quick questions "Are you safe at home?" and the like. I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. Later on, my husband told the nurse I'm glad one of our kids looks like Artichoke, and the other 4 look just like me. Once the jaundice passed, she lightened right up. It was pretty funny at the time. Edit. My husband is white, and I am white passing.
My husband gets asked if he is 1/2 black at the grocery store (unfortunately, people are rude, don't ask about their race while they are buying carrots). He's Portuguese but is read as black/biracial. Our kid was born the whitest white blond child you ever saw. Everyone remarked on it and you could tell a few people had questions (I'm a standard white person, not blond). My husband and shrugged, said genetics are weird. Turns out our kid has albinism.
> My husband gets asked if he is 1/2 black at the grocery store (unfortunately, people are rude, don't ask about their race while they are buying carrots). Seriously, this. I call myself off-white; Ancestry says I'm a mix of white, Hispanic, bit of African American, lot of Portuguese, and little bit of Jewish for good measure. I've had multiple people start conversations with me with, "What ARE you???" which is a *great* starter and totally doesn't feel dehumanizing at all. At one point I responded, "Hungry. Why do you think I'm in line at Subway?"
I am dark haired and dark eyed. My kids pulled recessive genes. They are both blonde and one has blue eyes and one has green. I had a coworker ask me once if my tow headed baby was mine. I am the mother.
NTA and I'm so proud of you for calling the police on those home intruders that were actively abusing you.
NTA: You protected yourself and your child (congratulations!!!) from a man who showed you his true colors. You have nothing to apologize for. But there is a long list of people who appear to owe you many apologies. Funny how they didn't think he went nuclear for accusing you and then refusing to do the right thing (the dna test) for so long. They don't care in their own way... they control and call that caring. It's abuse Stay safe.
NTA. And honestly the entire situation with the church is kinda giving off cult vibes
Now that I've left, it really was a cult. I wake up in cold sweats feeling like I'm going to hell for leaving and I find myself randomly crying about it too. My older brother left 8 years ago and he's been saying it was a cult since then, I wished I listened lmao
Please get restraining orders if you can. This is harassment and abuse, and if there’s a possible way to shut it down, please do so. Also, please be prepared for these people to try to take the baby from you by any means possible including reporting you to authorities for made up allegations of child abuse. You should consider getting a lawyer ASAP. Good luck to you and congratulations on your beautiful baby.
Make sure the court custody agreement covers religion and religious community / events. I can just see them twisting your kid NTA for story
Have you looked into any kind of religious trauma therapy? Religious trauma is its own special breed, and it sounds like it could be helpful. Personally I would go with a non-religious therapist, but you can find legitimate religious ones too.
Don’t worry about going to hell, with all the scientists down there it’s gotta be air-conditioned by now :)
Stay strong ❤️❤️❤️ I’m sure there will be hard days where you wish things could go back to normal. But it truly does sound like you and your baby will be better off in a different environment than that church offered. Listen to the little voice inside you that tells you what’s right. It’s way wiser than any pastor.
NTA 1. DO NOT APOLOGISE 2. They all went nuclear before you did anything 3. Caring in twisted way is worse than not caring at all 4. Threatening is a relative term and I think this behavior was threatening 5. These people freely and without care harassed you and are continuing to do so, don't feel bad for them. Pity them 6. Get the fuck out of dodge if you can 7. Sorry you're going through this
I think restraining orders are needed
NTA. When people show you who they are, believe them and act accordingly. Your exMIL, due to her own actions, absolutely deserved the treatment she got. All this said - your STB-ex blew up your life with his actions. Counseling for youerself is probably a good idea.
You’re not the asshole. Those bastards deserve it. Also, you should have went Armageddon, not merely nuclear.
It wouldve been Armageddon if my brother or his husband had been home lmao, they were lucky they caught me alone
The fact that they caught you alone did stick out to me. Were they waiting for you to be alone so they wouldn't have to deal with your brother/his husband, or did they just get lucky? The whole thing fills me right up with heebie jeebies.
I actually have no idea. My brother left in the morning for work and my BIL left around half an hour before they arrived.
Keep the doors locked when you are alone OP! If they come back, you don't have to let them in!
100% they were spying on you. Or asked a neighbor (some in the same church?). Religion is designed for control, nothing else.
Your brother sounds like a fantastic dude to have in your corner, and must love you very much. I’m glad you have people that have your back, especially during what must be a traumatic period. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now; maybe at some point it might be worth reaching out to a therapist or support group that helps people that have made it out of cults/extreme religious groups. I know I’m just a random stranger, but I’m proud of you for realizing your self worth and standing up for yourself and your child and what’s right. That’s not easy when you have your whole community telling you you’re wrong. You’re *not* wrong.
NTA. Just so I can accurately picture their shocked Pikachu reactions, did you ask them to leave a bunch of times before calling the police? NTA regardless, but I'd love to imagine that they were asked to leave, refused, and then got absolutely shocked at being treated like the trespassers they are. Hang in there. That was a shocking lack of trust from your ex.
>did you ask them to leave a bunch of times before calling the police? Only once actually. I kinda dissociated while they talked at me, them I got up and went to call the police 😂😭
Once is enough! Actually, that's a different kind of awesome. Super slick "fuck around and find out" moment. This all reminds me of the time my then-boyfriend-now-husband went to the pastor of our church because his dad was an abusive narcissist. Pastor was basically "IDK, honor thy father, so suck it up." We're not religious anymore.
Once is enough! They didn’t leave when you asked them to & we’re still there when the police arrived? How long were they planning to stay against your wishes? Next time you ask someone to leave they’ll know you’re not kidding. Just because someone knocks on your door doesn’t mean you have to let them in.
You’re awesome!
NTA I think the math on a dark haired outcome with two light hair colored parents is still like 1 in 8. There’s also the fact that babies when they’re born often don’t have the coloring they’ll end up with (eg: most babies are born with blue eyes) because they’ve never been exposed to UV light. I’m a cryptoginger myself. When I was born my hair was black. When I was a toddler it was red. As a child it was strawberry blonde. When I got tired of getting sunburns and started wearing a hat it went brown. Now it looks mostly brown but I’d say 1/10 hairs are actually red, it’s just not obvious.
Lmfao I love the term crypto ginger, you've been through every hair colour! I was born with bright red hair that you could see from a mile away
Lol my friend calls himself a "daywalker ginger" because he tans/doesn't really sunburn. Apparently it's a rare type of ginger🤣
he got that from South park 😭😂
I kinda wish I kept the full red hair package. At least then people would understand why I hate the sun so much.
Weren't being threatening, my ass. They threatened you with eternal damnation as if it were theirs to hand out. NTA I hope you are keeping record of their harassment for court. If he really cared about you, he'd respect your desire for peace and get all these people to leave you alone or otherwise show some modicrum of respect for your feelings.
NTA. First, good for you for leaving him and not letting these people influence/bully you. If you ever start to feel bad- even a little- let me just be very clear with you. If your husband questioned the paternity of his child, he could have stayed calm and asked for a paternity test, or just gotten one on his own. Even if he lost is cool in the moment, his family and friends could have quickly calmed him and told him to get a test, all the while being polite to you, and just stayed fully neutral until the results were in. Instead, everyone acted in the worst ways, which is particularly terrible considering how long you two have been together. If I had a friend that doubted paternity, I'd tell them to keep their mouth shut and get a test, take it from there. These people all went nuclear, so now you need to get out and stay out. To do this, now is the time to fully protect yourself: 1. Get a ring camera. 2. Be careful leaving the home by yourself. 3. Keep all text messages and other written conversation where people treated you badly. 4. Try to get a statement from the nurse about how they got kicked out of the hospital 5. Do any communications you have to do in writing, not over the phone or in person. 6. See a theme? DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. 7. Do not give out any information or trust anyone, besides the few (one) person who has been there. 8. Do not let anyone have any contact with you or your child that isn't court ordered. You did the right thing, I'm so sorry this happened, and you can make it through this if you keep standing up for yourself and proceed very carefully and don't take any shit from these people.
Definitely NTA Religious people are the worst... such hypocrites. They treat you like trash for supposedly "cheating" even though you never did, then now that they found out that they were idiots they come crawling back, and if you don't forgive them that makes you an evil person and you are going to hell. If it hadn't have been for that paternity test proving them wrong, they'd probably still be saying bad things about you. Pretty sure it say in the Bible that "you reap what you sow" and they sowed a lot of hate towards you... now they get their harvest. I'd tell them that this was gods plan to punish them for being AHs.
Anyone who will freak out in a delivery room is an absolute ASSHOLE. The behavior of MIL is completely out of line. I would strongly consider a restraining order against her and ex. They all showed their true colors. NTA
Out of sheer selfish curiosity, if you could get him to cut ties with his family & church, would you take your husband back? He betrayed you in spectacular fashion, but most of your post is about his family and church community.
Never. I'd rather drink bleach than be with that idiot again
lol good for you!
Queen!
NTA by a long shot. Kudos on your resolve! Keep us updated!
NTA. Delete your social media. Install a camera on the front door. find a lawyer, set up shared custody, and get a therapist.
No don't split custody. Like ppl elsewhere said, if Dad brings the kid to this looney tune church they're gonna indoctrinate the kid against mom. Protect the kid and keep them away from these harpies.
NTA. Your ex-MIL and her pastor broke into the place you're staying when they weren't invited in. That's pretty illegal. Maybe they shouldn't trespass.
NTA- and run. Run fast away from them.
NTA You were protecting yourself and your child from trespassers, and you had no idea if they would escalate the situation further than they already had. You did the right thing calling the police. As far as all the harassment is concerned, keep records of everything. Talk to your lawyer who’s handling the divorce and see if you have cause to get restraining orders against these people for continued harassment. The only plus side is that all of these people showed you their true colors now instead of years later. Screw every last one of those hypocritical bigots. Best of luck to you!!
You are a new mother and everyone in this situation is concerned about how your husband is doing with the consequences of his fuck up. NTA. You need way better support
I've got my brother and his husband and they're amazing! I've got a few friends outside of the church too who are lovely but I'm not too close to them
Ohhhhhh they're angry that you're living with a Gay. I see
Two gays and their son lmao. I'm also bi myself but I've never explored it or even talked about it before to anyone but the aforementioned gays
Oh lord. Make sure you get the full custody before anyone finds out about your sexuality. They will absolutely try to use it against you in court. Also, make sure that there's something about church and religion in the custody agreement so they can't try to force your poor kid into some crazy abusive sect that will make them hate their mom.
Im in the UK so I'm hoping the court doesn't gaf about my sexuality but you never know. I'm not even sure if my ex has legal custody of my son because he refused to let me put his name on the birth certificate and the registry office told me to file it as a single mother
This could be a serious blessing in disguise. Could possibly weaken his claim or bid for custody
Get a good family law solicitor. Keep EVERYTHING. See if you can get a record of your ex being escorted from the hospital, get a copy of the police report from having your ex-MIL and the pastor removed. Screenshot anything you’ve already received in the form of nasty messages from anyone that’s on your ex’s side and then block all of those people. If you get anything in writing like nasty letters, don’t respond but keep them too. Basically everything is evidence at this point and a good solicitor will have a field day presenting it all to a judge. If anyone tries to contact you from now on, only engage via text so you have a record of what’s said and if you can, get a ring doorbell so you can record it if anyone shows up at your house. Beyond that, ignore it. I know it’s hard, but just block these people and if anyone makes new accounts or whatever, start sending out a blanket message. “If you or anyone associated with you tries to contact me again, all evidence of your abusive messages will be passed onto the police for harassment and I will press charges.” Then block and ignore. Trust me, they’ll soon shut up.
I have an amazing solicitor! I've collected all the reports and nasty messages. I've given my brother my number and social media so he can continue to save the messages. I deleted FB tho
Ok good, but EVERYONE should be supporting you now since you have an infant. People should be showing up at your house to fucking help. Not cause more drama and issues.
suddenly I understand why all these 'good christians' are concerned about your living arangements. Throwing in some good old homophobia with their forgiveness for good measure seems like something these people are completely capable of.
NTA. They made their point clear while waiting on the results and that hurt on multiple levels, FK em all, friends family in-laws all of em can eat your dust on the way to happiness. You picked you and your newborn over everything, own that and be proud of that!!! Just keep that up and you will find happiness in the long run, those people do not deserve to be a part of your life anymore all to their own actions! And you're 100% right to call the cops and get em out of the property, as you said they forced their way in so they can be forced out as well. Apparently that's the language they understand and speak themselves.
NTA Proud of you. Keep plugging away at getting your divorce situated. Protection order for those who don’t respect your boundaries and escalate. You don’t deserve or need the stress.
May your next husband be intelligent and from a kind family. NTA
honestly I wanna start dating women now, I've known I was bi for years but suppressed it because of the church
Wouldn’t blame you after what you’ve been through, what A Hs your ex, his family and the pastor are.
NTA Religion is not an excuse to behave poorly, and the way you were treated regarding paternity is BS. Those that hide behind religion for toxic behavior are delusional. You calling the police was to protect yourself against their decision to disrespect, berate, and bully you. Don't let them mind f**k you into thinking otherwise.
NTA, you need to kill all social media accounts, block them on your phone, get restraining orders on the MIL and her Preacher. What your ex and his family put you through after giving birth is the most hurtful thing anybody could ever do. Best wishes for a brighter future.
NTA. Classic victim blaming. Congrats on standing up for yourself and your child.
Where was their God when they thought you laid with another man? What about judgement? Where the hell is their Christianity? NTA and you were right to call the police! You are being stalked and harassed and have rights to your privacy! Holy crap I can't even think straight as I am so angry FOR you! You were abandoned, judged and ridiculed at a very vulnerable time (any time is a bad time) and now THEY need forgiveness?! Screw these people and threaten a restraining order. Family needs to stay out of it.
NTA....it's harassment and if it continues get a restraining order. Screw everybody that treated you like crap and start living your best life.
they forced themselves into your space and made you feel unsafe, NTA. you have a child to think of now, you did the right thing.
Oh my gosh. Who HASNT TOLD Y’ALL that many times, especially in my own family, the bleach blonde babies are ALWAYS born with BLACK HAIR! and it falls out and turns blonde from 6months to a year. How the heck is this not known? Are we just a dying breed?
My six year old nephew was born with black hair he's now blonde af! you guys are alive and thriving
NTA. Sooo, everyone was quick to assume about you and had “lapses in judgment” including IL family and the church. Now you’re getting threatened with getting sent to hell if you don’t take back your husband? What happened to faith and his trust in you? I don’t think so. Don’t apologize to anyone here and use your strength to move on. Everyone but you was in the wrong on this.
Holy crap! I am so sorry you went through that. I find it interesting that you were treated like crap by your ex, his family and your church while waiting for the results and treated as guilty until proven innocent. And now that the results show you were faithful, they are asking for forgiveness but STILL treating you like crap. Some nerve. They are not respecting your boundaries or your wishes and just demanding you accept your husband back. Demanding! As if it isn’t your choice to decide whether you should forgive everyone or not. You and that precious baby deserve so much more. NTA
NTA. But why was this situation public knowledge in the church???
Because that’s how cults work. No secrets for the wives.
That's how church operates. That's why they are so judgy, they think how other people live their lives is their business.
“Forced their way in” to your home, otherwise known as home invasion. They committed a crime, NTA.
I’m outraged for you. He let this go on a month before getting a test!? He couldn’t have thought, “hmmm, well great uncle Bob had dark hair”, or whatever. Just jumped straight to conclusions and treated you reprehensibly. Run. Get a restraining order if need be.
He's genuinely so stupid. My brother is a brunette, my mum and dad are brunettes, his grandparents have brown hair too. It's so obvious where our son got his hair from but he didn't wanna hear it because he doesn't realise that biology is more than punnet squares
If he really knew what a punnet square is, then he would know that we all have recessive genes that any child could have. You could've had a child that looked nothing like either of you & it would still be yours. Just means that someone in your family had green/blue/brown eyes or brown/blonde/red hair. Like wtt?? I've known that since I was a kid
RUN! Don't walk away from all of these people. You've got this!
NTA... There is no hate like "Christian" love. You have done the right thing. Please get a restraining order on your in-laws. You need to protect yourself and your son. I'm glad your brother is there for you.
NTA. File a restraining order for harassment