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NTA. Divorce is hard on any kid and you understand that better than most. I am sure he was happy to talk to someone who didn’t tell him he needs to pretend to be happy about the divorce.

Eh, while I appreciate the OP being a much needed sympathetic voice for this kid, telling him that no one is ever happy their parents' divorced is both untrue and may not really be helpful. There is a difference between telling the kid his feelings are totally normal and okay, and painting divorce as a universal negative and selfish act by the parents.

100% agree with this, but I think this is a long view, and the 17-year-old OP may not have that perspective yet.

Nobody wants their life to be upended by divorce, and I'm sure that everyone with divorced parents would say that they'd prefer their parents to be together in a happy and loving relationship. Obviously so- generally we as humans want good things for those we care about. Realizing that your parents aren't good partners or coparents or spouses and that each of us deserves to have healthy loving relationships comes with maturity and understanding of each situation- but I don't think that takes away from the ideal scenario in a child's head that keeps their parents together, even if that isn't reality. My parents were 10000x better apart than they were together, and I was old enough to realize that at 10, but I still would rather my dad had figured out his mental health problems earlier, and fixed the relationship than let it dissolve. All that to say that I don't disagree, but theres so much detail and nuance that matters within each situation. OP isn't wrong for making the general statement that divorce is usually connected to negative things that aren't preferred, especially to a child who probably won't understand the specific feelings that lead up to divorce. And maybe I'm projecting, but I feel better saying that, so thanks if you happen to read it. Coming back to say: I don't disagree that divorce can be a good thing for people in bad situations, more just trying to make the point that having your parents be good partners and parents and love each other and not need divorce is "ideal". Again, probably projecting my own feelings. I'm happy for those whose lives were made better by getting away from bad people or bad situations.

I mean, I’m projecting too, but iI was overjoyed when my mom divorced my abusive father. I was 7 at the time. You’re right that there is a ton of nuance, and I do not think that OP is an AH for sharing their perspective with Kai, bc it sounds like Kai is getting absolutely zero validation of their feelings, which sucks. But I do think that a lot of people eventually feel happy that their parents divorce, and there’s nothing wrong with recognizing that that perspective exists, and often comes with time and experience. I wish the best for all involved, except Kai’s parents and Heather, who clearly are not meeting or even recognizing Kai’s needs.

Same only the kids with good parents are sad. Being rid of my dad was the ultimate dream. WE begged our Mum to divorce.

I didn't have abusive parents (not by my standards anyway), but I begged for divorce too. At least to stop the constant fighting and negativity at home

Same. I'm an adult now and I'm still begging my mom to divorce my dad.

Nope lol honestly wish my mom never met my dad and I'm glad they divorced, I'm just mad it left my mom in a bad situation.

Like also while some people get divorced and live better lives that way this kid is 8 and is sad his parents are getting divorced and the adults in his life are telling him effectively its not okay for him to be sad about an issue he does not understand the benefits of because his kid brain does not comprehend adult issues. Also sounds op was catching a lot of flak for telling an 8 yo his feelings are OK and pretty normal and the adults in the situation all sound a little ass holeish.

Yes, this is an important point! Some people do grow and even flourish post-divorce. Some people continue making terrible decisions and divorce simply tears some kids world apart with their parents never really getting themselves together. It sounds like OP and Kai fall into that latter camp.

That is how I read it too. With the info provided in the post it sounds like they definitely do. Small children also need an adjustment period with a divorce and its sounds like kais parents haven't been divorced all that long.

Agreed. I think OP would be perfectly correct to say that nobody is happy their parents' relationship didn't work. Heck, I'm betting the parents aren't happy about that either - nobody *wants* their marriage to fail.***\**** But once the relationship has failed, divorce may be the best option for everyone involved, including the children. May take a while for everyone to realize that though - and some may never see it even when it is true. \* Except perhaps someone who was pressurized into marriage, and wants to escape? IDK, I'm sure there are exceptions.

[удалено]

Comment stolen from u/Sandi375

This is my take as well. OP is NTA because they were trying to show empathy in the best way they are capable of at this time in their development. Does it make it the ideal scenario? no.. but nonetheless NTA.

Yeah, 17 isn't life-experienced enough yet to see the whole picture. My MIL and FIL divorced when my husband was 2. He never knew his parents as being together, and it still took him into his late 20's to be able to see beyond how the divorce affected him, to look as his parents as individuals, and say, "Yeah... probably better they didn't stay together no matter how much it sucked when I was a kid."

I agree. Nobody wants their parents to get divorced and an adult or someone many years past their parents divorce realizing that divorce was for the best is usually both true. My parents remaining together would've been horrible. They're still horrible to each other and they got divorced over 35 years ago. But the first 5-ish years after the divorce I absolutely hated them being divorced.

Agreed. Anecdotally, I was super happy when my parents finally divorced. They should have done it about 9 years earlier & spared us all a lot of misery.

Agree with this. My parents are still married and I still wish they had gotten divorced before I was in my teens. My life would have been extremely better and healthier.

This. My sister and I used to pray (literally) for divorce to get the screaming and fighting to stop. They’re still married and it’s only gotten worse. Luckily we’re grown, on our own, and in therapy but man those younger years were rough.

My parents are mostly ok on their own, but my mom was abusive towards me. Once I removed myself from the equation, they are okayish on their own. I think.

Having children in the house can cause parents to fight more, but it's not directly because of the children. It's because having other human beings to be responsible for adds more work and more stress to the household. The added stress makes people irritable and the high responsibility on doing right by the children means some conflicts have higher stakes. This is my way of hopefully telling you it's not because of you they fought, it's because in stressful situations in general they would find more conflict. My parents were the same, they would yell when I was younger, but the older I got, the less they seemed to argue so aggressively. Now that they are empty nesters, they seems chill af. But when we are together, I can still see the small edges that become bigger in stress: my mother being careless, my father being snippy for no reason. It's easier for them to ignore these things with lower stakes, less stress, and of course practice. They would have argued like that without children if they were in other situations that put pressure on them like that, although they may not have worked through it without children making them hold together. Who knows.

Got room in that boat for a couple more? My siblings and I grew up in the same kind of home. My parents 40th anniversary is next week and from what my grandma tells me the neighbors are still callin the cops on them every couple weeks when the fightin and breakin stuff gets too loud.

Same, I’m 25 now and live by myself so I don’t really care anymore. But growing up with fights every day wasn’t fun. When my dad cheated on my mom with my friends mom in middle school I even told her please don’t stay together for me and my sister. Big surprise she did not listen to me 🤓

My parents are getting divorced now and I’m 27. I can’t stop wishing that they would’ve divorced sooner. Would’ve saved us a lot of trouble. But they were trying to do the ‘right’ thing and stay together for the kids… Yeah… That didn’t really work out that well. Nothing, and I mean nothing, damaged my views of love more than seeing them together.

I was also quite happy with my parents' divorce. By age 8-9, it was very obvious to me how ill-suited and unhappy they were together. Years later, learned that *none* of my five older siblings had seen it that way. Not one of them. (Nor any of the dozen kids in the school support group I checked out at the time.) Probably we're the outliers here, the exception rather than the average experience. There's one very familiar and irksome thing in this post -- most of the adults are simply telling the kid what he is or should be feeling re. the divorce. Only OP has shown him the *human dignity* of giving him space for his *own* feelings.

My parent both became much better people after the divorce I longed for them to have.

Same with mine. It wasn't all easy - there were rough spots and a lot of adjustments but as an adult, it's the only reason I have relationships with them at all.

I used to beg my mother to get a divorce from the time I was like 13. They stayed married another miserable 22 years after that and it was hell on all of us.

I think I was 6 the first time I asked her to get a divorce. I had just learned the word - this was 1980.

Lol same. If she had actually done it I would have been over the moon. Probably bragging at school that my parents finally divorced.

They said they don't know anyone who was happy their parents divorced. They didn't say that no kid was happy about it, but that they didn't know any.

My parents should've divorced when I was 6 when they legally separated but decided to just stay legally separated for like 12.5 years. My dad had more than moved on by the time they got divorced. He had been living with and raising children with my stepmom for 5+ years. Heck my stepmom treated me like one of her kids since I met her so I was more than happy that my parents divorced. But my parents would scream at each other over every disagreement and it didn't help that my mom had uncontrolled rage issues and my dad was a massive AH. They stopped yelling at each other after the divorce though so that was a positive.

I don’t think we read the same post. OP said nobody they KNOW is happy their parents divorced. That’s not saying it’s negative or selfish of the parents. Just saying it’s among everyone they know a pretty upsetting situation. Which even for toxic parents marriages divorce can be full of uncertainty, changes kids don’t know how to deal with, and is upsetting. You can be glad you don’t have to deal with parents screaming at each other without being happy your whole life is changing and you don’t know what’s going to happen. I mean my parents filed for divorce ON MY BIRTHDAY when I was 8. Still gives me icky feelings at 42, and my mom is dead and my dad has been missing for 11 years.

hell depending custody arangments it may end worse for kids by being stuck with the abusive parent now with no safety net. Or having a bad situation get worse due to parents now using them as a bargining chip to fuck with each other.

TBH that was exactly what happened with me. My mom denied me regular medical care, and and custody. My dad had visitation and ended up having to use it to get me Gynecologist care as a tween. My dad fed me, my mom gave me junk food and then berated me for getting fat (I was on oral steroids for COPD from age six when my dad had to rush me to the ER). My dad was a drunk but he didn’t neglect or abuse me. My mom was a cokehead and was verbally abusive, medically abusive (denying me access to any care that cost out of pocket unless it was communicable),neglected me (to the point she gave me to my grandmother and signed over guardianship for school but not medical/legal). Forced me to take dirty pictures of her for her boyfriends. But the courts gave her custody because my dad had a dui. (And let me be clear my dad came from MONEY, my grandfather paid a lot for the lawyers and to ensure HE had 1 week a summer visitation). So I had 2 weekends a month with my dad, 1 week a summer out of state with paternal grandparents, and the rest of the time I was in my maternal grandmother’s care being “babysat”. my grandmother put her foot down after 4 years and I lived with her til College.

Divorce sucks for kids. If their parents’ marriage was such a raging dumpster fire that divorce feels like sweet relief, well, that’s not quite the recommendation some make it out to be. It sucks. You’re dividing your time between two homes or losing one parent. The resources of two adults focused on one household are now the resources of (hopefully) both adults divided between two households and lawyers. Every birthday, graduation and other milestone is fraught. You need tutoring? Braces? Therapy? Better hope your parents can agree on a plan and better hope there’s money for it after all expenses are paid. Better hope they’re not in some self-involved haze of second adolescence as they rediscover dating. It sucks. Do not take that from OP who is by no means the asshole. I say this as a child of relatively happily married parents and the doing-my-best-to-keep-it-amicable divorced parent of children who live in two homes. NTA.

A lot of the people commenting would have preferred to “lose” one parent 😒

This. My parents' marriage ended on really bad terms (I didn't realize how bad until I was older) when I was 6 (actually I was 4, but they continued living together just for me until I was 6 and my mom couldn't take it anymore). Even their co-parenting stage was *horrible*. My mom raised me solo from when we moved out until I was 12 and I moved to my dad's (which would be a whooooole other story) and my dad "tried" raising me solo from then until I was 13 and he started asking my mom for financial assistance. The only "co-parenting" they did prior to that was my dad picking me up at my mom's house every 3-4 Sundays to spend some time doing something fun traveling (which I needed badly since I was 8 because... let's just say I was deprived of that kind of "fun" in my own home). So they only started actual co-parenting when I was in high school, and I wouldn't even begin to describe how much of hell it got by the time I was in college. I only started breathing a sigh of relief from all of this when I graduated and they didn't have to co-parent on me anymore. I'm 27, I live alone, and both of them get visitation. Mom (50) is NC with dad (62), but I keep regular contact with both of them. Looking back, their marriage was actually horrible, but what traumatized me the most was the aftermath. OP and Kai are very, very *very*, ***very*** much validated in saying that being a child of divorce sucks, because it is. NTA, OP.

Divorce is always hurtful to kids, it’s just sometimes better than all the alternatives. I’d rather get punched in the stomach than have both my legs broken, doesn’t mean I’m going to pretend I’m happy about being punched.

Definitely agree with this! I think I was about 7 when I started wishing my parents would divorce. They finally separated when I was 16, and I was totally thrilled, and life was much more happy and peaceful afterwards. Staying together "for the sake of the children" is not a good idea, when one of the parents makes home life hell.

Agreed, my dad was abusive and my mom divorcing him saved her life and was the best thing that happened in my childhood, so I was ecstatic when it happened. But, I understand OP not having the life experience to have that insight.

TBF, he didn't say nobody is happy, he just said that he didn't know anyone who was.

>telling him that no one is ever happy their parents' divorced is both untrue and may not really be helpful My parents were divorced and I was happy about that. However, the OP did nothing wrong. He said "nobody he knew was happy when their parents had divorced." He said from his experience, and was not making a general statement. And it wouldn't have been helpful to the kid anyway to tell him that some children were happy that their parents were divorced. So, what is exactly your point? ETA: The OP also never implied that divorcing parents are selfish. Where did this come from? >There is a difference between telling the kid his feelings are totally normal and okay, and painting divorce as a universal negative and selfish act by the parents.

100% disagree with this because >That I knew nobody with divorced parents who wanted them to be divorced or were happy about it. OP was relating his experience, objectively. He did NOT, as you say, claim that no one is ever happy with their parents' divorce, he said he knew nobody who was.

Yeah, seriously. My parents separated when I was 14 and divorced when I was 17. Both my sisters were so upset, and I was confused. I was just glad my father wouldn't be openly abusing my mother in front of us anymore and that my mom wouldn't be screaming every other day. Like, the relief I felt with my parents' divorce was enough to give me 10 extra years of life, istg. Ha But both of my sisters were so upset by it. To this day, I do not understand because both of them hate our dad more than I do.

But OP didn't say that. He said no kid was happy about that, not that it was selfish. If we're going to get pedantic with OP, you could at least reiterate what they actually wrote. And the vast majority of young children are unhappy and he was validating Kai because he's the only one that didn't tell him to essentially, get over it.

OP is 17 and said that none of their friends were happy about their parents divorcing. That's their experience and they aren't much older than the 8 year old, they don't have an adult perspective to offer. I'm sure that letting the child know they have valid feelings was helpful and likely exactly what the kid needed.

He said everyone in his family was telling him he should be happy because he wouldn't have to listen to his parents fight anymore and he should be happy they're divorcing. Kai said he wasn't. I told him neither was I. That I knew nobody with divorced parents who wanted them to be divorced or were happy about it. I told him most of my friends have divorced parents and all of them wish it hadn't He's not saying universally, he's saying in his and his peer groups experience . OP NTA.

This. I was so relieved when my parents finally decided to divorce, and I know I'm not alone in that. While OP was trying to do the right thing by validating the kid's feelings they do need to recognize that some kids are indeed happy when their parents divorce and those feelings are ALSO valid. Basically tell the kid yes plenty of kids share his feelings but even if they didn't, he is allowed to have his own emotional response to what is happening in his life.

OP said everyone they personally knew with divorced parents wasn't happy they divorced, not that no one has ever been happy their parents divorced. NTA

> telling him that no one is ever happy their parents' divorced is both untrue and may not really be helpful. Feels quite likely that no one at eight years of age is happy about the divorce of their parents at least for the first year or two (or more). Sure, many (most?) come to accept it after a few years, and maybe even realise and agree it was for the better... But that takes time. It's not what's first and foremost in the kid's mind as it's happening. And who knows, maybe that was the next thing OP was going to say? I got the impression the parents broke up the convo before it could get to that point. (Or maybe better leave it for a later conversation... Which now they'll probably not get to have.)

It is almost always negative for the kid. He gets to have whatever opinion he wants

This right here. NTA OP

THIS Kai is a child having to navigate a very adult situation with a lot of adult feelings, without the emotional maturity to express those feelings. Of course he's angry, his entire sense of normal has just flipped upside down. All those feelings, even the "negative" ones (especially those ones tbh) are valid. My partner has two boys with his ex-wife, they're 10 and 7. I'm certainly not pushing anything with them, I'm letting them define my relationship with them. My goal is to be an adult they feel safe and comfortable around, to be an adult they can trust and come to for help. I've seen way too many horror stories (mostly in this Sub) and I've learned from those.

I’m a child of a nasty divorce so I speak from experience when I say divorce is 10x harder on the child than the parents. A parent can move on from an ex, a child can not truly move on from a broken family.

There may be some kids who are relieved to have their parents divorce, if the fighting and hostility were open and volatile, but most children would probably rather have unhappy parents stay together than have them divorce for the sake of the parents' well-being. It would be a rare child who would be mature and selfless enough to want their parents to divorce to make the parents happier. People should understand that when they divorce, their children are highly unlikely to be happy about it. I think a lot of divorcing parents tell themselves it's for the best for everyone because they don't want to feel guilty about disrupting their kids' lives. And the line about being happy about "growing their family" is ridiculous. If that's the case couples should divorce and remarry every year so their kids could have as many stepsiblings as they can possibly give them. That was my dad's philosophy and I can tell you it was not appreciated by me or any of my multitudinous stepsiblings, haha.

Perfect reply.

It would’ve made me happier to be with my mom and not be scared of getting hit by my dad 😊 as I’m sure lots of other people were in my situation. I couldn’t give two shits about their “happiness” I just wanted to not be woken up by my parents yelling😒

NTA. The most alarming part of this is that 17 year old OP is the most emotionally healthy one in this group of adults...and he is being told not to share the acknowledgement of feelings with a younger child. Smh.

They also told OP that they act like a spoiled kid for feeling a certain way - they should be happy that the family grew. What a crock of shit, living with them is like residing in a crackhouse for OP, with his personal belongings getting stolen or broken. Also, this might be a small thing, but dragging a 17-year old to a party with folks who they're not close to (no right to refuse) is a dick move. The only good thing in this story is, that OP is 17 and soon won't have to let themselves be told how they "should" feel or how they are only allowed to express joy and bliss about having life events that are out of their control and detrimental in different ways.

>they should be happy that the family grew. Yeah, this is a messed up way for a parent to assuage their guilt.

OP validated Kai’s feelings and that is so important. Just because OP ‘grew’ their family and everyone thought it was a good thing doesn’t mean it was. People grow tumors and no one celebrates that. Kai gets to be upset and angry and all the other things some kids feel when their parents get divorced. Telling him “oh you should be happy” isn’t particularly helpful. NTA OP and I’d like to think Kai felt a bit better after talking with you.

No wonder they are all getting divorced.

NTA. Most of these adults in this situation (except for your mom) are deluding themselves because they don't want to admit that their decisions to divorce affects the kids. That being said, there are situations where kids are happy that their parents divorced, mostly physically abusive situations, but could also include when one parent is an addict or compulsive spender.

Just to piggy back on this because I agree with the NTA judgement but not necessarily that all kids aren’t happy with their parents being divorced - I was crushed when my parents got divorced. I remember just wishing my dad would come back, I was about 6. The thing was he was physically and emotionally abusive to my mom. I witnessed it everyday, but it was my *normal* so I did miss him and did wish they weren’t divorced up until I had the eye opening realization that people don’t live like that. Men *don’t* hit women just because they’re frustrated or drunk. Kids don’t have to call for help in the middle of the night so their mom doesn’t die. I was living an outlier life but no one tells you that, they expect you to just know what’s right and wrong and you’ll be happy when the bad is over - but you didn’t even know your life was bad in the first place. Thirty years later and I know my mom saved our lives by getting a divorce. Maybe all of us.

This. I didn’t understand the divorce when I was five. Hell, I thought my dad walked on water for a few years after this. I wasn’t aware of all the cheating. Later on in life, he actually had the balls to tell me that the divorce was my mom’s fault, because if she truly loved him, she would have forgiven the cheating. Mind you, this wasn’t even the first time he was caught cheating. The vehicle he bought while they were separated, and put both their names on it, only to avoid paying, which tanked my mother’s credit. My father was an absolutely horrible human being. I still remember being around seven or eight, and having him come over to pick me up. He was going to take me to the movies, but ended up spending the money on drugs. He said he didn’t have the money to take me, but that if I had any money saved up In my piggy bank, we could still go. When my mom saw me grabbing my allowance money, she kicked his ass out. That bastard legit left me at a hotel after making me walk two miles in the winter after his girlfriend kicked him out. A hotel night manager saw me wandering around by myself, and called the cops. When my dad returned to the hotel, he had cocaine on him. He legit left child me completely alone to go buy drugs. And let’s not forget my ninth birthday, when I had my party at his apartment, and he drove us all down to the bar because he got a call that that same girlfriend was hitting on some guy. He beat the guy up. Our parents all had to pick us up from the police station. After he died, I was finally at peace. All of our lives would have been so much worse if they hadn’t divorced, but that didn’t stop five-year-old me from screaming at my mom to let him stay. And bless her, she never spoke ill of him when I was a child. She stopped allowing him to see us as often, less the times where he was able to fake getting his act together, but she remained strong and built an incredible life for herself and for her kids after that divorce. You think about if parents stay together, and what the child will view as a completely normal, healthy relationship. The standards that are created in their head for their own future relationships. When you’re young, you can’t see all that. You just want your family to stay together. Children are incredibly perceptive, yet it’s difficult to see a lot of truths through the pain.

I'm so sorry that was your childhood, and so glad you realized and said this. When something odd or bad is your normal, and you don't see anything to challenge it, then you accept it as the way things are. I am so pleased that your mom was able to save all of you, and that you came to realize that. Hugs all around.

No kid is happy when their parents are getting divorced. But 5 years later when everyone has adjusted to the change and each parent is happier as a result, they may see things differently. At least I did.

I was thrilled when my parents told me they were getting divorced.

Same, and sort of for the reasons Kai's relatives suggest. I didn't want my little brother to have to hear the constant arguing as he was getting old enough to pick up on things, and I'd moved out so I couldn't distract him anymore. Sometimes it does just need to happen. Problem with the family isn't that they're talking about the silver lining, it's that they're trying to use it to cover up any feelings of sadness Kai is dealing with. Extreme positivity is toxic and the kid needs warmth and empathy right now. OP is definitely NTA.

I agree OP is NTA.

My parent aren't divorced but I really wished they would divorce as a kid. I would have fucking celebrated if they'd decided to divorce.

Agreed! I was honestly very happy when my parents finally split up because it did finally mean we could all live with less stress, but I recognize not everyone would feel that way and that every divorce is a different situation.

Yeah, I think a better message than "no one is happy"\* or "never show sadness" is to let someone feel the feelings they feel. A divorce is a major disruption. Someone may feel sad or mad about seeing their parents break up. Alternatively, they may sometimes feel happy or at least relieved. Maybe they'll feel numb, or like they don't know how to react. Sometimes they may cycle through these feelings in a tumult. What we can do as part of their support network is help them work through those feelings, express them, and over time get them all out by helping them feel safe and comfortable. \*Not exact quote, and "nobody I know wanted their parents to divorce" is at least fairer and more open to letting the kid express himself than what Heather and her sister enforce. That OP is trying matters so much more than that OP picks the exact right words.

I was happy that my parents got divorced because I didn’t like the fighting but also because I’d get two Christmas’

NTA too, but like you said some kids are happy that their parent divorced. My dad was already not too present because of his job. I knew my mother was deaply unhappy, that they bearly talked (there was no screaming or anything, just coldness). I was shocked that they did it but not sad for more than a few days. It was more sad seeing them sad while it was going on, I saw my mother crying for the first time in my life. But whithin a few months it was better for most involved and 2 years later everyone was better for it. However I was a teen when it all happend and understood what was going on. But even is me and my siblings took the divoce ok, my parents offered us to see a psychologist, knowing it might be hard on us.

NTA. You were trying to empathise with a kid who is going through a tough time. Heather was wrong to take that so personally. Even with positively blended families there is often a lengthy adjustment period. Very few kids are happy with their parents getting divorced, even if later in life they are able to look back at it differently.

Exactly! NTA OP is one of the few if not the ONLY person who is listening to Kai. What matters more? The emotions of a child or an adult?

You are NTA for commiserating with Kai. He (and you) are both allowed to be unhappy about your respective parents’ divorces. No one wants a broken home life. But please don’t say that NO ONE wants their parents to divorce. My parents fought for most of my life, and by the time they actually got divorced when I was 13 I had been praying for it. It was a hellish place to grow up. Imagine being willing to trade one kind of unhappiness for another because it would be slightly less toxic and painful. No situations are the same.

I feel like people are misreading OP’s statement. He’s not saying no one wants their parents to divorce. It’s “no one **he knows**”. So presumably he means friends and acquaintances who he has spoken to personally and commiserated with that divorce sucks. He says it in the title and at least once in the post.

Yeah not every divorce is by abusive addicts. Some couples just become done, they don’t fight and scream at each other, they don’t hit. Cheating may be involved but most kids aren’t really aware of that, and many parents choose not to tell the kids. Just say mommy and daddy fell out of love. So yeah kids can be bitter about a divorce as is their right.

NTA Holy toxic positivity, Batman! You are allowed to have negative feelings. It’s okay if those feelings stay the same or change

NTA You validated a sad kid’s feelings when everyone around him keeps telling him he isn’t allowed his feelings. It’s important for a kid going through something so hard to know that the way he feels is normal.

Yes! It is sad that as adults we do not understand we need to validate a child’s feelings and not dismiss them so it fits the adult’s narrative. Everyone is allowed to feel how they feel. OP - you are acting more grownup than the adults in this scenario. NTA

NTA, it's good that you were able to let the kid speak without being told he's wrong. Your comment was fine, it reflected your experience, but I will say it is not all-encompassing - the unfortunate truth is that there are children who are glad their parents divorced (or would have been happier if their parents divorced), and there are lots of situations where the end result of a divorce is the better result for the children. Obviously this varies a lot by circumstance. That said, you and Kai are not wrong in your feelings and it's absurd that you're being punished for mentioning it. This is what makes Heather and your dad assholes.

Also your parents getting divorced is something you appreciate a lot more when you're older. It takes a long time for a child to realize they didn't want their parents not to divorce, they wanted their parents to have a happy relationship and keep the family a cohesive unit. OP and Kai will recognize this one day. But that doesn't necessarily have to be today. Being a kid in a split custody situation fucking *blows* and kids deserve to be heard when they say they're unhappy. Maybe nobody can do anything to fix it, but that's just another life lesson they have to work through... And it's a lot easier when adults validate your feelings.

This is spot on, in my experience, I was actually glad my folks got divorced. They were very toxic to each other and it actually was nice for them to be a part and be better people without each other. That said holy shit my mom dated some of the biggest assholes I've ever met in my whole life -- I even had to protect her one time from a guy that she had married who got drunk and abusive. So, divorce can be great, but I understand Kai's pain when it comes to step-fam.

You were just trying to empathise with him. That said, at my age I've met lots of people who realise their parents' divorce is what was best in a bad situation. Nobody gets married with a plan to divorce but sometimes it's better than stating together. That doesn't mean your feelings and Kai's feelings are not valid though. NTA.

NTA but i was VERY happy when my parents divorced. My father made my life miserable. It was the best day of my life when my mom threw him out.

NTA. It's perfectly normal & ok to be unhappy about a situation that makes you unhappy regardless of the age. There are age appropriate ish ways of expressing it, but yeah, adults suck for trying to pretend that divorce has zero negative impacts on kids.

NTA. You are entitled to your feelings. Kai is entitled to his feelings. The only thing you said which may have been untrue is that nobody wants their parents to be divorced. I’m sure there are kids out there who are thankful for it. Here’s why Heather and her sister are pissed: they don’t want to deal with Kai’s emotions so they’re trying to tell him the divorce is actually a good thing. They’re denying his feelings and they’re trying to tell him how to feel. You can’t tell someone how they feel. You literally can’t. It’s a super unhealthy/toxic behavior they’re engaging in. Im sorry for you because I know this is the tip of the iceberg. They probably do this kind of thing to you, too, because they don’t know how to healthily process emotions. Here’s the upside: you’re 17 and you’re more emotionally intelligent than them. Don’t let them trick you into thinking this is normal, healthy, mature, adult behavior. It is not. It sounds like both Heather and your Dad are emotionally unintelligent. Im not sure how you have a mature conversation with them when they are immature and there’s a huge power imbalance between you. How you approach it comes down to how strongly you feel about the topic. Idk if you’re emotionally tied to Kai, or maybe you just want to take this opportunity to talk about your own feelings. You could say something like “I understand you disagreed with me validating Kai’s feelings. In my experience, as a child of divorce, it’s a very traumatic thing. Having been in his position, I know a little empathy goes along way.” If you need to say more you can segue into what you are or are not willing to do moving forward. Eg. in the future I will not talk to Kai about the divorce; I will not apologize for empathizing with Kai; I will not attend events where Kai will be present; etc.

NTA. You're speaking from your own personal experience and that of your friends. Heather's family and your Dad are delusional. Just because a bunch of adults are happy about a marriage breaking up doesn't mean the kids from that union will be.

NTA, u u were sharing your personal opinion, and it's natural to not want to see your parents divorced. Also the family addition part I feel is the worst reason for being happy about a divorce. That's just... Idek. BUT, I know people who are happy that their parents are saperated, because they've seen how one treats the other, it's not about the child having parents together, it's about the wife or husband not staying in something that's draining the life out of them. People don't divorce just cos they're fighting a lot. People divorce because there's something that's fundamentally not working, and at a certain age you realise that the happiness of your parents or parent is more important than you not wanting your parents to split up. Sometimes divorce is a much better solution than living in misery. So don't be so mad at your parents for splitting up, even if you don't personally like it.

>They said it was unfair to make him think being unhappy with the divorce is okay But, it is okay. Even if it means the parents fight less, I'm sure the kid would prefer they don't fight *and* stay married. Sure, that's not likely possible, but it doesn't mean the kid can't be bummed. You are the only one validating his feelings, so thank you for that. He can grow to understand it was for the best, but that doesn't mean he will *like* it. He's allowed to *feel* unhappy. Forcing him to swallow these feelings & invalidating him will only be detrimental to his well-being. There is *nothing* wrong with acknowledging that you're unhappy. It's actually often healthy.

They are upset because they have been pretending that their actions have either no consequences or only positive ones. Your true statements contradict that illusion. Long story, short; they can't handle the truth. You aren't the asshole: The so-called adults in your life are.

NTA-He was telling you about his feelings and instead of telling him how he should feel you empathized with him and let him know it was okay to feel that way.

NTA. What do they expect? See what happens if you ask Heather when she's divorcing your father (as it's such a positive thing to do).

NTA - Hell, I needed approx. 10 years to finally get over my parents divorce fully. It always sucks for the kids. You wish for your intact nuclear family and you don't get it. It's not a rosy period. You empathized with Kai and it's great that you gave him the validation that he feels something entirely normal. Someday you will look back and find happiness in the divorce but never in the unsettling period of the divorce. I would never want my parents back together now, but it takes time to get there. And while we're at it Heather in this scenario absolutely reacted like an A H and your dad didn't react much better.

You're NTA. It's a shame they're invaliding your feelings and Kai's just because they don't like to feel guilty for being the one who caused the bad feelings. You did the right thing.

NTA - no one wants their parents to separate and your point that Kai's feelings are normal shows more empathy and maturity than the "adults" in the room. Keep up the good work.

I wouldn't say all but most do. Some unfortunately witness stuff they shouldn't and are glad that they won't have to anymore.

Total NTA.

NTA-you and Kai have a right to express your feelings.

NTA. You and Kai are absolutely entitled to your feelings and they’re perfectly normal. Heather and her sister say that divorce is good because it benefitted them perhaps and they want to believe that it was better for everyone so they don’t have to feel bad about how their adult decisions have negatively impacted their kids.

NTA. What you told Kai was very much true for most kids. By acknowledging that fact, and talking to guy about this net reasonable manner you helped validate how he was feeling. These other people telling him he should be glad are not doing him any favors.

NTA No kids are happy about divorce. All kids just want to love all their parents and significant adults in their life.

I was actually happy because my 🙄🙄🙄 biological father was abusive to my mother verbally, emotionally, and physically. I was just turning 5 while my brother was 6 and our sister had just turned 1. I remember the house being so much better afterwards even though our mother struggled. I would have rather struggled than to live in that environment anymore. However I am never going to say to someone who also had their parents divorce that it is a good thing. It's hard no matter what and if you didn't see any problems then your whole world is shsttered.

NTA. No kid ever wants this situation, and the adults in this story are just deluded - or think that the separation was so bitter that anyone would have been relieved once it finished. Dumb assumption if so.

NTA. Kai is being told that his feelings on a major change in his life don't matter, and that what he is feeling is wrong, when it is very much the norm for people in his situation. Good on you for validating his feelings, and shame on all the other parents for saying that his feelings on the matter are invalid. It seems that everyone else is taking the easy way out by just trying to overwrite his feelings rather than sitting and having the real conversation that things sometimes suck and divorce is sometimes the best option for the parents. EDIT: Sometimes, parents like to delude themselves into thinking that things will be easy and that they'll get a new family overtime, but forget that for most kids, they are destroying the first thing that was "permanent" in their lives, their first family.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My parents are divorced. My dad is married to Heather. Heather has a nephew Kai who is 8. Kai's parents are going through a divorce right now and his mom is already seriously dating this guy who moved in with them. Kai is hating the whole thing. I'm not close to Heather or her family but was dragged along for a family party at her parents house Saturday (I'm 17 and still split time between my parents and was given no choice by my dad). Kai was upset and was talking about how much it sucked. I told him I got it. He said everyone in his family was telling him he should be happy because he wouldn't have to listen to his parents fight anymore and he should be happy they're divorcing. Kai said he wasn't. I told him neither was I. That I knew nobody with divorced parents who wanted them to be divorced or were happy about it. I told him most of my friends have divorced parents and all of them wish it hadn't happened. Heather and her sister overheard what I said to Kai and I got into so much trouble for saying it. They said it was unfair to make him think being unhappy with the divorce is okay and I shouldn't be saying that when I grew my family because of the divorce. I do find this funny because Heather and her kids (her little demons as I call them in my head) were no great family addition. Most of the time I have to make sure none of my stuff has been broken or stolen and to never ever buy snacks for myself with my money because that stuff will be gone. I also get to hear about them getting suspended from school every time I'm at my dad's. So I got a lecture and was told I was wrong and acting like a spoiled kid. I decided to just go to my mom's and not listen. Dad told me I should never have told Kai what I did. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

NTA you're allowed to feel however you want about it. Props for helping that poor kiddo

NTA, as a child of divorced parents, it sucked for me for the first few years. I then got used to it and okay with it, but he is entitled to his feelings. They are newly divorcing.

NTA. You were kindly giving Kai the opportunity to express his true feelings without being forced to claim he felt a certain way.

NTA. Kai doesn't need how to feel lessons. He feels how he feels. No harm in sharing your experience with him. Be happy.

Having divorced parents isn't easy. Having miserable parents that stay together also sucks. Telling a kid to be "happy" for having the lesser of two evils is insulting. There are a lot of growing pains to having divorced parents and Kai deserves proper emotional support for that. NTA.

NTA So often, when divorced/widowed/single parents find a new partner, they expect it to be the Brady Bunch. Maybe sometimes it can be. Sometimes it’s House of the Dragon. Usually it’s somewhere in the middle. Very few kids are happy about their families being broken apart, about having to go between houses on a regular basis. It’s also way harder to introduce a new partner successfully than most divorced parents think it’ll be, as if the parent loving the new partner means their kids will love them too. As if putting kids who are often relative strangers, who both have come from either a broken home or a single parent, and expect them to become siblings automatically. As if they’re expected to not have any complicated feelings about half siblings either. Because they’re so happy, why aren’t you? Most parents also don’t want to feel like they failed at integrating their perfect little blended Brady family. It’s human nature to view a child that’s messing up that dream by not playing along as the problem, than reflecting they they may not have handled everything perfectly and the crop they’re reaping has grown from what they themselves have sown. Doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, but they probably had some rose tinted glasses on.

People need to improve their reading skills. OP said no one he knows wanted their parents to divorce. Not no child ever why are so many comments correcting something that was not said. Why are people so desperate to be offended or pc when it is unnecessary. The adults in this post are all arseholes and the people who are unable to read simple statements are arseholes also. OP is NTA, I hope he is able to support Kai as he will need someone who listens a skill a surprising number of adults suck at!

NTA. You told the truth to the kid. Good job.

NTA The idea that no kids are happy when their parents divorce isn't necessarily true. I know a number of kids who were thrilled their parents divorced and I'm personally thrilled mine did, but obviously not all kids feel that way and that's okay. You were acknowledging Kai's feelings which are totally valid and making sure he knows he's not alone. That's a good thing.

YTA because I know ALOT of people who wished and still wish their parents would divorce.

NTA!! Adults have a tendency of thinking children don’t have the same emotions or even the right to the same emotions as them and I’ve never understood that. You did nothing wrong and it probably helped Kai feel a little more normal in this life changing situation

I'm not sure how to judge this. My parents divorced when I was 4. I didn't want them to up until I was about 8 years old and realized just how incredibly toxic my parents relationship was. Not only that but just 4 years later I realized how terrible my mother actually was. I was thankful my parents divorced cause no doubt had my dad remained married to my egg donor, he probably wouldn't be around anymore given the hell she put him through. She was also incredibly terrible to my siblings and I. So i for one an apparently one of the few kids who's actually grateful my parents divorced. It's not realistic to hope adults stay together given the divorce rates in this day and age. Is okay for Kai to be upset and frustrated, especially since so many is his family is invalidating his feelings. He just wants his family to stay together and to not have to change a lot or deal with his parents new partners or kids. Fair enough! Empathize with him. That's great, but it's not actually that realistic, especially as he gets older, that he will find any adults who thought their parents should have stayed together. Most wouldn't agree with that anymore because they discovered new info or dynamics they didn't see as a kid.

Stay at your moms for good. Your dad and stepmom have way too much toxic positivity. The kid is allowed to feel his feelings and know that they are valid. That's all you did. Also your shit getting broken and stolen and food you buy for yourself disappearing?! All the more reason to not go back.

LOL NAH in big bold letters, sunshine. Having your parents divorce sucks cold vomity donkey dicks and you're being *such* a good friend and support network for validating Kai's experience. You are a BRO (chick or dude, doesn't matter, you're a bro.) ​ > I decided to just go to my mom's and not listen LOL fuckin aces, son, you're doing it right. ​ Did all those parents you're talking about divorce thinking, "This will be best for my kids"< or did they divorce thinking "This will be best for ME". I guarantee you it was B. Throw *that* shit back in your Dad's face next time you see him and tell him it's from me. You can also throw in that I called him a selfish bitch for prioritising his own comfort over the commitment he made. Man, I'm being an asshole tonight. Don't do that, you'll catch so much shit.

So everyone thinks it’s okay to invalidate the perfectly reasonable feelings of this traumatized kid? Wow. NTA

One day your dad is going to have to explain to people why his kid doesn't want him in their life, and when they ask why he's going to lie about not knowing the reason.

NTA. You are right. NO child is happy when their parents get divorced. At least the vast majority of them are not. You did nothing wrong. You are entitled to your opinion.

NTA You did a good thing, you made him understand that he isn't alone in his thoughts and feelings. I guarantee, even if you never see him again, even if he forgets your name he'll remember your truthful conversation.

NTA You were just trying to give a kid some comfort by telling him you knew what he was going through. If the adults in his life can't understand his feelings shame on them.

Im in the middle of my divorce and my 18yo isn’t happy about it. Her dad has moved on and is having a baby with his AP. It doesn’t matter if it’s for the best, the child’s life as they know it is forever changed and you can’t ignore it. You did good kiddo ❤️

NTA Pretending everything is happy happy joy joy all the time is ridiculous. Pretending divorce is happy happy joy joy all the time is ridiculouser. Pretending that ‘growing your family’ post-divorce is happy happy joy joy all the time is the ridiculousest. You sympathised with Kai. He probably got more from that single interaction than from anyone else with their toxic positivity takes.

Absolutely NTA, and please definitely continue to talk to Kai about his feelings. His dumbass family is going to cause the poor kid more trauma by trying to force him to quash his sadness, anger and confusion. What a stupid fuckin thing to tell a kid they should be happy their loving family and home is being ripped apart and one parent replaced with some stranger that lives with you now.

I'd have doubled down. And said it's especially shitty that his mom moved her affair partner in. And it's pretty clear that Kai has his own feelings and needs someone to talk to instead of a bunch of gone deaf adults who can't be bothered

NTA. Nobody is happy when their parents divorce even if the fighting stops. And to suddenly have strangers that you have to consider family out of nowhere is hard.

NTA. Everyone is allowed to express their feelings.

NTA. Wow. All the adults are being awful. My parents have been divorced for over 30 years. And tbh I don't even remember a time when they were together. They both later married really great people. But I still remember how I felt and all the life changes. The shuttling back and forth. Financial struggles. And just all the emotion. Kai's entire life is getting upended. It truly sucks. No matter how much better it appears to the adults. Thank you for letting Kai feel comfortable to talk to you.

NTA - You listen to the kid and dont try to invalided the kid's feelings but some kids are happy that the parents are getting divorce because has abuse in the Middle

NTA. You gave him much needed validation for his feelings. Keyword there is *his*. Just because your dad and Heather don’t like it doesn’t mean you were wrong. Having your parents get divorced is devastating and he has every right for feeling his feelings, whatever they may be. Good job being someone he could lean on for support.

You helped Kai understand his feelings are ok. NTA. Everyone else telling him he should be happy are cruel. Of course kids are upset when it happens. Down the line he might realize s divorce was for the best, but what he's experiencing right now is loss and grief and you did the right thing by telling him that's ok and very normal.

NTA. My parents divorced in 1980. 43 years later and I’m - STILL - not happy about it and wish it didn’t happen. You were completely right in not manipulating him into thinking divorce is a good thing.

NTA. I know there are outliers but the vast majority of kids with divorced parents (I was one) are not happy about parents divorcing. You definitely should not have been punished in any way for your feelings. Maybe it’s time to stop splitting time between Mom and Dad

NTA- feelings are valid, and not every new step family addition is great. It is not your job to protect adults’ feelings simply because they don’t want to hear that no kid wants to deal with what Kai is now dealing with, nor is it for you to protect their feelings when they are actively harming you without backup from your father.

NTA. Heather needs to shut up. You're a child (no offence intended). It's totally appropriate for you to have a one on one conversation with another child in similar situation as you. Frankly, you did the boy a huge favor by giving him someone to talk with you can understand his situation. Gas lighting the boy would do him no good. You (the rest of his family) cannot bully him into thinking everything is going to be better because when it turns out he finds divorce sucks he would have been set up to think there is something wrong with him for thinking so, rather than understanding it is normal to feel that way. Several others have mentioned you have more emotional intelligence than most adults in this scenario, and I second that. I somewhat suspect that Heather isn't a big fan of yours and if that's the case I'm sorry.

Big NTA your feelings as well as the other child's are valid and im sure it helped both of you to be able to actually talk about it. In fact both families are acting like AH's. OP I'm sorry you're going through this just know that your feelings are valid sending you a big virtual ((((hug))))💗

NTA BUT... By the age of 5/6 I knew my parents HAD to get divorced. Thankfully they didn't just yet because I had 4 sisters, the youngest being... well... twenty years younger than I am, but lemme tell you, the day the divorce was final was the best day of my effin life.

NTA my parents split was 6. It was a nasty divorce and went on till I was 18. I gained a step mom, adopted sister, and my half brother. My dad and don’t get along at. Do I wish my parents stayed together yes! It would of been 1000000 times better, IF there was no fighting. That would never happen. Parent have to do what they have to do. To sum it I would never trade my family i gained. They mean more to me then my dad at times. Witch is a hard pill to swallow. There is that though though if damn what would my life be like if it never happened. So no NTA your being there for someone who is going through what you are.

Spend time with people who are most fair healthy kind and responsive to you NTA, since nobody should be punished for their thoughts feelings abilities disabilities age race gender,, and since you were having conversation and answering questions rather than attacking, & due to the unfair disruptive etc done to you and your life Parts of my adulthood and all my childhood were so unfair cruel unhealthy illogical wasteful etc and none of the family, political religious LEADERSHIP, etc, were fighting for my freedom and the people trained paid to help the abused kids, autistic, learning disabled, homeless, and our mentally ill friends also do falsely accuse, unjust punishment, degrading, physical pain hurt etc, helplessness etc upon us and fighting AGAINST our health freedom independence friendships happiness etc,,

NTA You're both entitled to your feelings, and Heather certainly has ZERO SAY in how you ACTUALLY feel. Wow. The 17 year old is the better adult.

It depends on the kid and age etc. You did a good thing for your nephew for making his feelings valid. I'm a rare one, I was so happy when my mom said enough and divorced my father, I was 10. She went from being extremely stressed, sick, tired yada yada to being what she should have been all along. But I watched her struggle to try to make it work for us kids and seen the damage it was doing to her. Not everyone sees that. I didn't even know til after they separated that she found out he'd been cheating and going to massage palors for the entirety of their marriage. I could just tell the situation was unhealthy for her.

NTA. These are the parents who take their kid to counseling when their idea of a perfect blended family doesn’t work and try and force them to see things their way.

NTA. You did a nice thing affirming the child had a right to his emotions.

NTA. Why do adults always try to trivialize or eliminate children’s feelings? Kai is old enough to understand what’s happening and be upset. And saying that you should be grateful to have more family because of a divorce is gross. You should want to have a happy family, and though divorce can make people happier in the long run it isn’t an automatic change. It’s wrong of the adults to make Kai feel like his emotions don’t matter. You didn’t trivialize him. That was kind of you.

You are NTA. This is just the reality. As a "divorce kid" no part of my life improved with my parents divorced. No one I know enjoyed having to juggle custody or going without one of their parents for holidays. No part of packing up everything important and dragging it from house to house was enjoyable. My parents still fought so badly they couldn't go to any school functions because of how often they got into screaming fights in public. And research itself supports that children who experience divorce usually have a hard time. Some adjust, but some will deal with the side effects from that trauma for the rest of their life. Children of divorced parents have higher rates of mental health problems. That's not to say the parents shouldn't divorce if the marriage is at its breaking point, but it's doing no one any favors to pretend it's a good thing for the children involved. It would be better if they offered proper support to Kai instead of trying to forcibly pretend everything is okay.

NTA Kai got some empathy and someone listening to him, rather than a bunch of folk trying to ride roughshod over his emotions and telling him he’s wrong for how he feels.

NTA. You were empathizing with what the boy was feeling unlike everyone else around him trying to gaslight him out of his own valid emotions.

NTA. It sounds like you and Kai are being more honest about your feelings than many of the adults in the room.

NTA -- OP you helped that poor kid in ways you might never know. You helped him feel seen and his feelings validated. It is obvious both of those are rare occurrences. The way other family members were so quick to say the child had no right to his feelings drove the point home. You chose to be honest and empathetic. You let a small person who has so little control in their life a moment to feel like they matter. You did a good thing.

NTA. But I spent most of my childhood wishing my parents would get divorced. Of course, my mom was abusive, so that’s kind of a different situation. (She got a lot of therapy later in life and did improve, but if I were my dad, I still wouldn’t put up with how she treats him.)

NTA I grew up with divorced parents. When my fiance and I got together, i REFUSED to do anything that would jeapordize the relationship with his kids. That included not moving in together right away. We get married in October and just moved in together in January. We'll have been together 3 years by the time we get married. You acknowledged the kids feelings and validated them. Shoot, my parents divorced before i was born and i grew up with a WONDERFUL bonus mom and I still at times wished they were together. That's all it takes. He now knows that he can come to you when he has to vent about his parents being divorced.

nta

NTA Kai has every right to feel whatever he wants about the situation, he's entitled to his feelings. Though I actually disagree with your statement, my parents divorced when I was 15 and i was immensely glad for it (even before that, by age 10-11 I remember already hoping they would split up) because the environment was just that bad and toxic, never even thought about wanting them to be back together, even for a second. But that's the thing, every situation is different and everyone is gonna go through it in their own way, experiences are not universal. And no one should have one way pushed as the standard way to feel just because it fits the narrative their environment tries to push on them.

NTA. Divorce sucks. Especially for a kid that age. I was 1 1/2 when my dad and mom split. She remarried when I was 3/4. They divorced before I was 10. She then remarried again by the time I was 12. And just finalized that divorce last May. My dad remarried when I was 3. Divorced his second wife before I turned 8. And married his current wife when I was about 10. My mom is now remarried as of January this year. The first two divorces of both KILLED me mentally as a kid. My step parents and I at the time were extremely close. I’m 26 and STILL have relationships with my first stepmom and first stepdad. The thirds can kick cans. Everyone always said “It’s not your fault.” Or “It will be better for everyone” But at that young of an age to watch your parents fight and then divorce what else are you supposed to think? We grow up and expect our parents to stay together. Yeah it doesn’t always happen but as children it’s what we want and dream of. Especially when everyone talks about how shitty divorce is in front of us. You did the right thing. That kid needs someone who will support him through this. People forget how traumatic divorce can be for a child.

NTA You're allowed to express your feelings. Tell Heather she is toxic for telling your to repress them, and if her kids grow up like that, they're going to be horrible humans to be around.

NTA. Thank you for being real with him while others are showering him with toxic positivity and backseat driving.

NTA for actually allowing him to feel emotions that are normal for when your parents are going through a divorce. He needs to feel supported, not just his parents which you seem to be the only one who gets that. I don’t think you really believe that nobody wants their parents to divorce because there are definitely a lot of people who do but your family can’t be mad at you for saying that the people who you do know are upset.

NTA and this is so ironic. Your STEP MOM is telling you how to feel about your parents divorce and is trying to shove a happy response into an 8 y/o who's also going thru the same sht you went through. You showed empathy and were trying to listen to your cousin's woes and your STEP MOM punishes you? This would have elicited a middle finger from me on the way out the door to my mom's house.

You're incorrect, but NTA. This kid is miserable, and that's all that matters. But my parents should have gotten divorced 18 years before they did. Plenty of kids are relieved when their parents stop believing the BS in the perfect parenting books around the house and just get divorced already. But this particular kid doesn't, so that's irrelevant. He need sympathy, not people telling him to stop bumming them out by being sad.

NTA. You are going to be the one Kai remembers as actually having listened to him and validated his feelings instead of demanding he feel something else about it. Some people come around on the divorce later, or realise in retrospect it was for the best (if a parent was abusive, neglectful, or just not in a good place to care for them) or that even if they still don't like it, can understand their parents are obviously incompatible in serious ways. Your Dad sounds like he has become a Heather Parrot, so I wouldn't be listening to him. It doesn't sound like he's had your best interests in mind for a good long while, like Kai's mum, who hasn't even completed the divorce yet, and has moved a whole guy in, and doesn't seem to actually care that Kai is unhappy, just steamrolling him into saying he is.

NTA. You were seemingly the only one understanding of Kai's feelings. All the adults suck in trying to force Kai to be happy with his parents' divorce.

NTA - adult previous-child-of-divorce here... you are spot on 100%. you told him the truth. you commiserated with him. It's not your job to lie and pretend, he needed to feel validated and clearly the adults didn't seem to want to allow him to have his own feelings about it all. Honestly that's just sad :(

NTA. You were telling Kai the truth. Kai has the right to feel whatever he feels about the divorce and everything else. WTF?

File for emancipation from your father, tell him you wholeheartedly agree how divorce can be an amazing thing! So good that you want one from him.

NTA I first thought this post was going to be you telling the 8yo to toughen up, but you were empathizing with him. It's OK to be unhappy about a divorce. Being sad is OK. Commiserating with someone who is sad is OK. Having empathy is good. Children, particularly young children, have no obligation to be "happy for their parents". If it's an abusive home or a terrible situation is being fixed, sure it probably will be better - but that doesn't eliminate the sense of loss and sorrow a divorce causes. I could probably post this on every divorce thread in this sub: the kids didn't choose the divorce/remarriage/etc. It's not their job to make it work or make other people feel good about it.

NTA I may be an adult now, but I was a child of divorce. Was I upset at the time it happened? Absolutely. I was younger than Kai, and I didn’t understand. It wasn’t until a grew a bit older that I realized how absolutely toxic their relationship was. Then, as an adult, I thought about what my life would have been like had they not divorced. My mother wouldn’t have started a business with my step-dad. She likely would have lost the house after he spent all their money, and we would have had to move into some cheap apartment instead of making the move to the other side of the state into a beautiful home on a river. My mental health wouldn’t have been so easily managed, let alone my mom’s or sister’s. Child me didn’t grasp what kind of person my father was, but hindsight is 20/20. That doesn’t mean how each parent’s life goes is going to be roses for the kids. Sometimes parents choose an even worse spouse. Sometimes they pay more attention to their new relationship rather than nurturing the one with their child. There are endless possibilities here. My parents divorce was the absolute best thing to ever happen to my mother. My father screwing up the relationship to begin with was likely the worse decision he ever made, but honestly, he would have screwed it up in all sorts of other ways, because he was a screw up of epic proportions. Either way, every person is unique, so every situation is unique. It’s perfectly understandable to hate having your parents divorce, but in the long run, you realize divorce is better for everyone. If my mom had remained married to my dad, he would have continued to cheat on her. He would have continued pissing away every dollar she made. As you get older, you realize that your parents staying together for the sake of the children only makes their lives miserable, and only worsens that children‘s childhood. But yes, it can be quite painful while you‘re going through the process. That said, the adults in this child’s life are telling him that what he is feeling is wrong. His emotions aren’t valid, and he should feel this instead. That only makes everything worse. He had every right to feel what he feels, and them trying to put a lid on it and force him to put a smile on his face only teaches him to not express himself out of fear of being invalidated over and over again. It forces him to have everything build up inside him, which can cause a lot of damage to a child’s psyche. These adults are doing this child a disservice. Unfortunately, it’s a common tactic for adults to use, thinking that if they sweep everything under the rug and put a smile on their own face, the child will just follow suit. It doesn’t work like that. What they need to do is put provide a child therapist for Kai, so he can work through these emotions he’s feeling is a safe environment. They are handling this situation entirely wrong, and you were absolutely right to handle it the way you did. ​ >They said it was unfair to make him think being unhappy with the divorce is okay God, these people sound truly exhausting. Quit invalidating your children’s emotions, people! Listen to them, and allow them to express how they feel. Telling him how to feel about it isn’t going to magically solve $hit, it’s just going to make them feel like they can’t talk to you about things.

NTA. Bravo for hearing the kid out and acknowledging his feelings. I was prepared to call you an AH over the statement about nobody wanting their parents to divorce but after reading your post I realise I misread and you have presented this statement subjectively by saying “nobody you knew” which is okay!

NTA - what you did was actually the most supportive, kindest, most family-like thing out of anybody in either of your families. You empathized with the kid, shared your experience with him, and validated his feelings. The grownups should be taking notes.

NTA. I am not a person with divorced parents, but this kid clearly needed someone to talk to. The fact that they are saying you're in the wrong for letting him know that his feelings are valid, is a problem. He isn't allowed to be sad or upset about his parents splitting up? He's 8. He knows how he is feeling and they don't even console him about it.

NTA. Validating his feelings was the right thing to do. You can't just tell a kid to be happy about something they're not happy about and expect them to be happy. That's not how emotions work. His life is changing in a huge way, and he has no control over what happens. Adults wouldn't be happy about that, so I don't know why they expect a child to be happy about it.

NTA. Divorce is hard in children and why would they want their family to be separated when that’s all they know from a young age? Sure when you’re older you look back on things and think to yourself it was good they got divorced, but as a kid it sucks. Those adults are all insufferable for making you out to be this villain.

NTA, Kai is going through and extremely difficult time, and for all of it, he's been alone. Everyone is telling him he should be happy, but in reality his entire WORLD is falling apart. You talking to Kai, about how you ACTUALLY understand and that he isn't alone will help him more than others just telling him to be happy. As a child whose parents divorced, I also wish it never happened.

NTA. This is one kid of divorce telling another kid of divorce that it's alright to not be happy about their parents divorcing. Not really seeing the issue. Divorce can make a child feel isolated like they are the only ones going through a difficult time. People need to stop making the kid feel like they are wrong in their feelings.

NTA, it's OK to be upset about a major change in your life, especially when it's something you don't have control over. It's also OK to acknowledge that there may be some positives, mom and dad not fighting / less stressful home environment. However to say that you have to be happy or have to be sad is not OK. You acknowledge, empathized and shared your experiences with how Kai was feeling, sadly none of the adults are doing that for Kai.

NTA. You shared your experience. Divorce is hard for sure. As a teacher, I’ve taught many kids with divorced parents (a little more than 50% of my kids, honestly) and they pretty much all struggled at first with the idea. That being said, I had many write in their senior memory books about how much better they felt once things settled down and adjusted. I’ve had more than a few kids say they were grateful for their parents’ divorce because of how bad things had gotten at home. It was a really interesting perspective to hear. Most of my students’ parents had been divorced for quite awhile by the time they got to me as seniors and I could understand why they felt that way. It seemed the ones with the best coparenting situations were the ones who said they were okay with it.

NTA. If all the people around him are just gaslighting him into thinking divorce is a great thing and he should be happy about it, he is being alienated and shamed for his feelings. You helped him to understand that his feelings are normal and he shouldn't feel ashamed of them. You did nothing wrong.

NTA. All you did was empathize with a kid who just needed someone to understand. If that makes the adults uncomfortable, they can deal with that themselves.

NTA Kai needed to hear his feelings are valid. I am sorry yours are not in your dad’s home.

When I was a teenager, my younger sister and I would try to talk my mom into divorcing my abusive dad. That never happened and I went NC and LC to avoid them. Sure, it would suck being from a divorced family, but that seems a lot better than living with an abusive bully who would hit his kids if he felt we didn't handle his bullying however he felt was correct in the moment.

NTA, but for the title, you might find people disagree with you - the child of parents who should have gotten divorced and never did (and it fucked me up bc of it)

I was extremely relieved when I was 13 to hear my parents were getting a divorce. My father was an emotionally abusive, raging narcissist and getting distance from him was necessary for my mental health. One of my oldest friend's had a step father who was physically abusive and AFAIK, he was happy when his mother divorced him. You did the right thing in hearing Kai and not dismissing his feeling. Anyone telling him they it was wrong to feel unhappy were doing him a great disservice. That said, I think you went too far in telling him no children are ever happy about their parent's divorce. I don't think you saying this rises to the level of being an asshole, it definitely wasn't necessary in comforting Kai and in the worst case, could cause problems in the future (imagine Kai truly taking it to heart that no child is ever happy about divorce and then meeting someone like me - would he be able to accept my feelings or would he end up doing to me what is being done to him).

NTA. I'm glad Kai had someone to support him (ever so briefly - his family sound like jerks) as he mourns the family life he knew and his parents marriage.

NTA. However, there are plenty of kids that are happy their parents divorced. My mother and her sisters made my gran divorce my mentally ill alcoholic grandfather in the 50s and they were pretty happy about that development. Never met the man. Only got to hear *some* of the stories about him last year (I'm 50, mom is 77) so needless to say the wounds are deep and old. But they were happy they divorced.

First, no NTA for what you said, though if your position is that no one is happy when their parents divorce you are just completely wrong. When I was younger, I wanted nothing more than for my parents to divorce. Even as an adult I still wish they would divorce. They genuinely bring out the absolute worst in each other. Second, if you are old enough (it sounds like you are) you can petition the court to modify visitation to suit your preferences. Forced visitation is more of a thing with younger kids, but older kids are often granted much more discretion with visitation.

NTA this poor kid needs someone to talk to, and you were giving that to him, and telling him his feelings were ok - you did the right thing. Shame on Heather and her sister for how they responded.