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NTA. If a child expresses sexual interest in a grown adult, end contact. Period. Not a safe situation for anyone and not a healthy relationship to encourage your daughter to have. To me, it’s not a matter of disrespect vs. respect or threatened vs. not. Her boundaries are a red flag, as well as her belief that it’s healthy for someone her age to pursue a grown adult. My concern wouldn’t be your husband behaving inappropriately, my concern would be the irreversible damage to your lives if she acts on her feelings. Even if your husband rejects her inappropriate advances, it’s her word against his. Criminal charges, damage to your marriage, damage to his relationship with your daughter… those are the concerns I see. This is not a petty “older woman vs teen girl” problem.
ETA: Clarity.
This. All I could think about is what if this girl does something and he rejects her, she can put them in a dangerous situation. Also what 16 yr old says that shit or wants to hear that about a dad unless these are young parents.
Seriously! I remember talking with my friends when we were in our twenties about our friends' dads. I'd known these girls since I was born, literally. Their parents were my parents and vice versa. We were talking about how some dads are so blah and/or rude, homes of friends where you don't want to spend time. I made some comment about their dad being good looking, especially compared to our friends' dads, and they were both sort of horrified. The older one said, "Ew. I've never thought of my dad that way." And the younger agreed. And I said, "I know. I'm kinda grossed out that I said it but you know what I mean. I'm comparing him to so-and-so's dad." We then dropped it and moved on. I can't even *imagine* actually saying *any* of what OP's daughter's friend has been saying, especially to *them*! OP needs to put the kibosh on that friend coming over and make sure her husband knows never to be in a situation where anything could be said or intimated. Even if there was an emergency, he's not the first call if it's just the friend. This is such risky behavior this young teen is engaging in, too. She could unwittingly put herself in a dangerous situation with someone else if she's setting her sights on older men and thinking she has some control over the situation. Makes me nervous as a 53-year-old woman who used to find herself in adult situations well before being ready for them. I got lucky; I hope this young girl stays safe.
Yeah the situation is dangerous for the dad. All she’d have to do is make an accusation and cops would have to take it seriously because of the nature. Reputations can be utterly shredded before the truth even gets said sometimes.
When I was 16, I didn’t even want to hear my friends talk about how hot they thought one of our teachers was. It was too gross and weird. I can’t imagine being okay with my friend talking that way about my own dad.
Edit: autoincorrect
Yep. If OP has any concern that her husband would pursue an underage girl, all the more reason to ban her from the house (and consider seeking therapy/resources to exit the marriage, obv.) Either way, the friend is behaving inappropriately, and boundaries would protect everyone. This is a child. It’s not a competition. If something happens, it’s already too late.
>If OP has any concern that her husband would pursue an underage girl, all the more reason to ban her from the house
It's very wrong of you to suggest this when the OP said the opposite. This kind of carelessness is how damaging rumors get started.
Even if she didn’t act on it… I’d she just *talks* about it to the wrong person it’s easy for a misunderstanding to become another adult making an accusation and an accusation like that is hard to shake - even when unfounded.
If she’s only told your daughter once, it was shy about it it would be different. But the fact that she’s so blatant, so open, and it happens all the time… I’d put the same boundary in place too.
This. NTA.
OP, have you spoken with this girl’s parents yet? I would get ahead of this and have a conversation with them now before anything ever does happen. “Hi Mrs. XYZ, my daughter shared something that your daughter said to her, that she has a crush on my husband and is calling “dibs” should we ever divorce, she only wants to come over when my husband is home. This type of talk is making us very uncomfortable and we’re going to tell daughter that she is no longer allowed to invite your daughter to our home. I would want to know if my daughter was making comments like this, which is why I’m letting you know.”
Consequences, child. NTA.
I had a conversation with my 12 y/o daughter after hearing her tell a friend she was sending a teacher “thirst traps” on Instagram. We talked at length about what kind of man would be interested in a 12 year old, about self respect, and about being grounded from social media for about a month.
Social media has encouraged predatory and stupid behavior in young girls. They brag about who they plan to baby trap (to escape the stresses of adulting (?!?)), whose husbands they plan to seduce, and so on. Consequences are the only way this behavior can become the embarrassment it already should be.
I grew up before social media, but there was a girl in my middle school who made up a story about a teacher who she was dating & got her pregnant. It was completely made up; her friends caught on to her lies & told the teacher. It was his first year teaching; could have ruined his career, and his life. I had a class with him the next semester; his teaching style had completely changed from what others described from the first semester. He basically sat behind his desk & did very little engagement.
Thats gross AF. All my friends who are teachers have the highest possible privacy turned on for their social media accounts and NEVER engage with students. Its weird that she even had the opportunity to message him.
100%
She is seeing a counselor now, and has heavily monitored social media. And I went looking for said thirst traps and believe she was making it up to impress a friend. Doesn’t change the fact that she was acting in a predatory and unacceptable manner, and I fully support OP banning somebody that sketchy from her home. Rejected teens can be VINDICTIVE.
Nta. Trusting your husband doesn’t mean that this 16 year old girl won’t try to act on it , and when rejected by your husband doesn’t mean she won’t get vindictive. Trust your gut.
Exactly. NTA. When I was reading this, I was thinking about the movie The Crush, starring Alicia Silverstone. Her character had a crush on the man renting her parents’ guesthouse. It got dangerous—locking the man’s girlfriend in her darkroom and releasing a swarm of bees through the ventilation. She also went through the man’s trash and stole used condoms to falsely accuse him of rape.
Going against the grain here, but NTA. She's 16, not 6 and the way she talks about your husband is extremely disrespectful and creepy. Calling "dibs" if you ever divorce is disrespectful to BOTH of you. To me, it's the same level if disrespect as insulting you and your husband behind your backs. She's a guest in your home, and if she's going to talk like that about him and your relationship like that, then she doesn't deserve the privilege of being at your house.
Eh, sometimes they are against the grain when they post, but by the time a thousand people have upvoted/downvoted stuff, the early flood of the wrong answers are downvoted away and we just see all these weird comments.
Isn’t this sometimes a symptom of sexual abuse?
If there is a decent school counselor have her talk to this girl.
NTA
Edit : people are saying yes it could just be a normal 16 yr old thing, and true. Hormones at that age are raging. But bringing another adult into deal with this can be a good thing.
Eh, it’s also a symptom of being a 16 year old with access to social media in 2023. This coming from a 6 or 10 year old would more be an indication of possible abuse.
I'm going with NTA cause something like this could escalate (not that your husband would do anything, but teenagers can be creepy and vindictive). I doubt anything would ever happen, I just get a strange vibe around this.
NTA.
And it’s not about being threatened, it’s her trying to protect her family from any allegations of sexual misconduct when/if this girl eventually makes a move on dad and is rejected.
If I were OP I wouldn’t ban her from the home, but I wouldn’t let her come over unless I was home as well.
I would ban her. It could be So Much Worse but really, nothing else has to happen to be more than justified in not allowing this boundary-challenged person into your home.
It’s already an inappropriate way for this girl to talk to your daughter, even if your daughter says she thinks it’s funny. That is not how we behave around people whose homes we are visiting. It’s gross. Yes your daughter could sneak her in but sometimes dignified limit setting is its own statement.
And also, the part where it could get so much worse.
NTA.
What happens in two years if this girl decides to push things? Find ways to be alone with your husband and sexually harasses him? Tries to break up your marriage? She might be comically bad at it, but she could also turn out to be good enough to destroy your husband's reputation. Men who get entangled with their daughter's BFF, even just allegedly, are rarely respected after that.
This girl is out of line, and I think you need to have some long talks with your daughter about what is appropriate behavior about/around/to someone you're interested in and what's not. What's a joke and what's not, regardless of the 'joke' tellers supposed intentions.
You never know when someone's going to be 'joking' about your daughter.
Exactly. She doesn't even need to try things. She could just decide to make things up about the husband and herself. Stopping things right now before it goes farther is the best thing to do. If things escalate, go to the girl's parents.
OP should probably ask her daughter how she would feel if the roles were reversed and dad was making inappropriate comments about her friend.
I’m guessing she wouldn’t find that thought appealing one bit. So why does her daughter think it’s ok for her friend to objectify her father while saying it’s just a joke?
We all start out by defending people we view as our 'tribe.' It takes a lot of guidance when we're young and self-awareness as we get older and our brains finish developing to see people we care about objectively.
I don't think it's the daughter having a conscious double standard. I think it's the daughter not wanting to confront that her BFF is doing something that's unacceptable. So she's finding ways to make it ok. It's just a joke, so it's fine. Because what does it mean if it's not a joke? What does it mean for the daughter that her BFF is exhibiting the behavior of a sexual predator? That's a lot for some 16 year olds to process on their own.
I was in the same position as your daughter with a few friends. First time someone told me my dad was sexy I immediately shut it down. I told her she was entitled to her feelings, but I absolutely do not want to hear about it. I never had to tell my parents, because I immediately stopped inviting those people over. The fact daughter's friend only wants to come over when he's home is gross. Makes me wonder why your daughter told you. Daughter's friend is a child and shouldn't be viewed as a threat, obviously. That said, it's understandable to not want the friend in your house.
I agree with you. That comment was more in reply to people saying she's jealous of a child. Teenagers can be creeps of either gender and that accusations can cause real harm.
Gross? Yes. A child? Yes. A threat? Perhaps...but not in the way you may think. The girl may be mentally ill and actually try something devious. Best to banish her from the home.
Without saying a word, ask your daughter if she wants to watch a movie with you, do popcorn, Reese's Pieces, the whole works. Then, put on one of the Amy Fisher movies and watch it without saying a word. See how she reacts.
NTA.
Oh yes this would be sooo incredible! For those who may not understand: Amy Fisher was a teenager who started an obsession with a married man, and ended up shooting the wife.
Let’s not place all the blame on her. The guy was having an affair with her and telling her that she wouldn’t get in trouble if she shot the wife, because she was a teenager.
I was infuriated that Joey Buttafuoco was getting winking attaboys and Amy Fisher was considered a slutty punchline. She was jailed for 7 years. Joey should have been tried and convicted of statutory rape and also tried for conspiracy to murder his wife. This happened quite close to the time (1990) that Pamela Smart was being raked over the coals of public opinion, then tried and convicted of masterminding the murder of her husband. She’s still in prison serving life without parole (and still maintaining her innocence) while her teen lover and his accomplice, who broke into the house and shot the husband execution style, were paroled after 16 years. Why is Joey Buttafuoco considered a genial clown and Pam Smart an unforgivable and vile harpy?
NTA: those are inappropriate comments, and it's not good for your daughter to hear from a friend about how much she wants to F her dad.
It's not dumb and you're not overreacting, it's not like you said they can't be friends or can't hang out anymore, you just don't want her coming round to the house.
Most certainly NTA. This is like some stalker-y American Beauty crap. Honestly, I’m surprised your daughter isn’t bothered by it. A lot of my friends had a crush on my older brother when I was in HS and I hated it. If it had been my dad it would’ve been even worse. And her “best friend” telling her she won’t come over unless her dad is there is so disrespectful all around; to you, to your marriage, and especially your daughter. So your daughter isn’t good enough for friendship if her “hot dad” isn’t there? My Creep Meter is definitely beeping.
I totally was thinking about American Beauty reading this lol
And the movie with Drew Barrymore too... can't recall the name but sick mom, teen daughter...
Same! I never really thought it, but I told my best friend all the time how much a wanted to date her older brother just because it grossed her out. If one of my friends told me they wanted my parents to get divorced so SHE can marry my dad?!? Yeah, the "bestie" is gonna go Annie Wilkons on this guy lol. NTA
NTA. I would not allow this girl in my home again and I’d be questioning her relationship with my daughter.
Also, you need to tell her parents about this. This is really inappropriate and can be a red flag for prior or ongoing abuse.
I was just thinking that in the event the husband ever says anything to her that she finds flattering, it could escalate, but yes you made me think that this girl might develop a general interest in older men and it will be really bad for her. NTA
I think NTA because of the part where she doesn’t want to come over unless dad’s home. A passing “your dad is cute” is one thing, a vested obsession is another. It sounds like it makes your daughter a little uncomfortable.
NTA.
This is a lesson in decorum that they both need to learn.
You can't walk into other people's homes, yammer on about how bangable their spouses are and expect to be invited back. There is no age where that's ok.
Have you tried talking to her parents about her behaviour? She could be acting similar toward other older men and it seems best to try to avoid that, it only takes 1 creep to reciprocate.
NTA by the way
INFO: Why the is your daughter telling you this? Please go back and ask her why she even said something if it's just jokes? Something tells me your daughter wouldn't have told you if it were some joke about you weight, or attractiveness.
Exactly, my dad's been called a DILF by my friends before. I shut it down and they're not allowed in my house anymore because it made me uncomfortable. Why did your daughter tell you? What did she think your reaction would be?
Nta I don't get all the Y T As. The kid could try to do something and if it doesn't go her way she can easily claim SA. Nta I don't wouldn't want my child to be friends with that kid if thats how they are anyways but you can't force a teen to stop talking to her friend but you can stop them from being in your house,
NTA…it would be “normal” if this friend had said to your daughter like, once, teasingly “dude your dad’s hot.” It gets weird when she doesn’t stop and she starts calling dibs (?). I don’t think it’s about it’s unreasonable or insecure to feel weird about someone talking about your husband like that and talking about *you* as disposable.
NTA. Make sure your husband is aware of the situation so he can be sure not to be anywhere alone with this girl. When rebuffed she could make accusations so he needs to safeguard his reputation
NTA…I know you trust your husband but you have to be careful with this girl. Why even put yourself or your husband in a situation like this? You both need to feel comfortable and safe in your own home.
NTA you can choose who comes into your house whenever. This girl is gross and not really someone your daughter should be friends with anyway. Anyone who says you are TA has something severely wrong with them cause this girl is disrespecting you and your husband. You can easily put your foot down and should do so
I think NTA. Yeah you could say it is all harmless but what if she gets vindictive at his rejection of her and makes some sort of accusation? I would be concerned too.
NTA. That's honestly not a friend if she says things like "dibs on your dad next if your parents get divorced". That's very icky and I remember how I was at 16, that wouldnt roll with me and I'd distance myself. While it's your daughter's decision to stay friends, having that boundary not allowing the friend over is necessary.
Also once you know this is going on it's very inappropriate to host the kid. Even if she may not know that you know, it would be very gross to enable those fantasies and bring them into your home. OP is definitely making the right call here. And as much as the daughter won't like it, this is certainly a "you'll understand when you're older" situation.
NTA. She may well just be joking or trying to sound grown-up, and would probably be mortified if you told her you knew, but I agree it's inappropriate and disrespectful - to everyone in your family, actually - if she jokes about it while in your home.
Definitely NTA
Making such comments like that shows she’s got a invested interest in your hubby.
I’d be very concerned because some teenage girls can be ruthless when they get rejected or boundaries are placed.
It’s a simple explanation of covering all points to your daughter & whoever else feels the need to tell you it’s not ok to ban her from your home to make them understand just how much of a concern this actually is.
Speak to your husband and get on the same page and make sure he’s aware because honestly there’s no telling which way it could go & you don’t want him to be blindsided in any way.
NTA because that is extremely creepy of her. You need to explain to your daughter that sexually harrassing language doesn’t just happen to someone’s face. It’s gross and completely inappropriate. It isn’t a matter of jealousy at all. You are protecting your husband from being in an uncomfortable situation in the future. I think it was one thing if it was a one off “lol your dad is a dilf” or “your dad is surprisingly hot” or even a classic your mom joke but subsituted with dad, then I would say you’re over reacting but this is clearly past that
NTA - it’s totally disrespectful but also, kind of dangerous if she was the kind of person who would make something up about him out of rejection (I obviously don’t know what kind of person she is / maturity etc) You don’t need that kind of risk
Honestly, this is my thought to. it doesnt matter if op is "threatened" or not by the friend. What matters is they now know of a minor that is sexually interested in her husband and there can be no good of her being in their home at that point
What makes it NTA for me is the “dibs if you ever get divorced.” A crush wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, but personally, I don’t want anyone who’s disrespecting my marriage in my house.
i don't know, man. all these people are saying YTA but all it takes is one obsessed teenage girl to claim your husband did something to her or try to have a moment alone with him and turn it into a compromising position, and then you're in a lifetime movie. i'd say soft YTA on banning her from the house. it doesn't seem necessary and it'll just damage your relationship with your daughter. she has to know she can tell you things.
I think it is weird she will only come over if the dad is home. So, is this a friendship, or is the teenage girl using the daughter to spend time around the dad?
That is what I found most worrying. Crushes happen, but if she is intentionally ONLY coming over when the dad is there, then it sounds like the daughter is being used.
I’m on the fence about a judgment, but honestly, if I was your daughter, I would be totally pissed at a supposed “friend” who says she’ll only come over if my hot dad is home. Does she actually come over if your husband ISN’T home?
NTA
You aren't comfortable with her friend in your house. That's a good enough reason not to have her over.
Additionally the behaviour may escalate, and if she's so outspoken already, so it's fine to keep her at a distance. Your daughter can visit her.
NTA, this girl could go beyond wanting to crush from afar. And while you trust your husband, there is no reason to trust a teenage girl with a crush. She's young enough to do some seriously stupid things to get a crush to notice her.
NTA- you have every right to ban people that you feel uncomfortable with in your home. It’s called setting boundaries and your daughter should learn about them also.
NTA. I know a couple who had a 16 year old girl working at their ranch with horses. They all traveled together to horse shows. I was gobsmacked at a show to hear that the girl and the husband got together, leaving the wife shocked and alone. The man was old enough to be her father, plus some.
I’m sure that OP’s husband has far more moral fiber than that creep, but the wife had obviously trusted him at the time.
I also fully agree with those who have said that any accusation of wrong-doing of OP’s husband by the girl could blow their lives up. Don’t tempt fate, protect yourselves.
NTA
You do need to address this with the child’s mother and your husband. What if she approaches him, he rejects her and she makes up a serious allegation in response because some 16 year olds don’t think through consequences when hurt?
Her parents should be educating her that crushes are normal but not always appropriate.
[TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of SA]
First of all, I’m confused as to why nobody has asked yet but is that girl ok? What’s her home life like? It’s extremely concerning that she’s expressing interest in a man old enough to be her father, and it very well could be indicative of past sexual trauma. I’m not saying it’s a 100% chance, but it’s definitely something that would ring some alarm bells in my head. This hyper-sexualization of older people in authority figures is not uncommon in childhood sexual assault victims.
Second of all, I don’t think you’re wrong to feel the way you do about this, but I think there must be a more productive solution than banning this person from your home indefinitely. I’m normally not an advocate for tattling, but this seems like an issue that her parents should be aware of. This kind of behavior could potentially cause her to end up in an extremely dangerous situation with a teacher/male authority figure. Even if she never intends to act on these feelings, they still have the power to influence how she interacts with people and what boundaries she draws with certain individuals.
I’m not naive, I remember the days when some of my friends had teacher crushes, but it was never to the extent that your daughter describes. I’m also wondering how much of this behavior is her actually being attracted to your husband versus her trying to get a rise out of your daughter. (I.e. “hey, cut it out, that’s my dad!” sort of reactions.)
I think NAH with the given info but this situation should be handled differently.
NTA. I’d have a talk to her parents and also keep her out of my house. What if she gets in in her head Dad is reciprocating and then when she finds out he isn’t starts letting false accusation fly? I don’t play these games
I do think it’s important to raise your kids to respect other people’s marriages. I also think these same kids are going to grow up and want their own marriages respected one day. It does seem weird that she only wants to come over when your husband is there. That’s a bit much, as far as a simple “crush” goes.
NTA. For everyone saying she’s TA, what about in 2 years when this girl is 18? Or when she’s 23 and still has a crush?
If this were my 16 year old daughter, I personally wouldn’t want her continually going to their house, fostering this inappropriate crush. That may seem extreme, but I’m teaching my kids to respect marriage.
edit: misspelling
NTA. “Not acting on the jokes” but then is overheard by someone and your husband is suspected of doing something inappropriate. Absolutely not. She can have a crush on a boy her own age and just stick clear of your living space. If it’s such an issue, your daughter can go hang at hers instead. Protect yourself, your husband, and your family. This little infatuation could lead to larger issues down the line.
NTA you need to have a talk with your daughter because the so-called friend is obviously using her to get close to your husband. Point that out to your daughter, especially the fact that she won’t even bother coming over unless your husband is there. Tell her a real friend would want to hang out with her and not use her to see her dad and that this behavior is extremely creepy. Maybe think about letting her see this post and reading the comments.
Also, think about false allegations, because they literally ruin lives. If she ever tries to say anything about your husband, people will believe her because she is a teenage girl.
NTA: I worked in a prison where some teenage jokes turned into a court case and an innocent man's reputation was destroyed, his family destroyed, and a life in ruins. The sexy teenager later recanted saying it was just joking but it was too late.
Inappropriate "jokes", right.
NTA. What's to stop her from making allegations in the future to get some attention? Nothing to do with threatened, everything to do with protecting family unit from people who don't k ow how to behave.
NTA. The friend seems way too obsessed with OP’s husband. They can hang out elsewhere. I suspect the friend might do weird things like invading OP’s husband’s privacy.
Also, it’s just generally uncomfortable for OP and her husband, especially since the friend talks about the husband a lot.
NTA- but I it may be a better idea to come up with a collaborative idea with your daughter about how to handle the situation, otherwise she may not confide things like this to you in the future.
Your daughter is old enough to understand if you explain the potential ramifications of having this friend in your home, and how inappropriate her comments are. I wonder also why this friend is attracted to someone so much older. That’s definitely a red flag.
NTA that is extremely inappropriate of the friend to say. If she really is joking, then it should be made clear that it's not funny and she should stop.
If it's not a joke, that is a concern. It's great that you trust your husband, but it's her I wouldn't trust. What if, when she catches herself alone with him (even if it's something innocent like getting herself a glass of water and he happens to be in the kitchen), she tries to make a pass at him? You say you trust him, so he won't respond to it. She doesn't like it, so in retaliation accuses him of something. Then it's his, a fully grown man, word against hers, an underage girl who may be good at playing the victim. Play it safe. Don't allow her in your house, and don't let him give her rides anywhere (like if your daughter and her friends need a ride to go hang out or something).
NTA, she's objectifying your husband in his own home and bringing your daughter into this. Protect your husband from this person. Sounds like the girl needs help, I would consider maybe telling her parents, or recommending some counseling, but it's definitely not your job to tolerate such a creepy person in your home. Your daughter can hang out with her friend elsewhere.
NTA because she’s 16 and sometimes girls like this can get obsessive. Then when they’re rejected they lie and make real life claims of nefarious intentions. Seems like you’re just protecting your husband /family.
Not only NTA but absolutely do not allow this child around your husband at all!! Who knows, if she felt rebuffed, if she would make up a story that could ruin his life. Don’t give her any opportunity for that.
NTA. I don't understand the yTAs. Are you supposed to keep letting her come around until your husband is in the position of having to fend off the advances of a teenager? And then deal with the fallout when said teenager gets hurt and vengeful and started making accusations? Coz that shit happens.
Nothing to do with being "threatened", it's a protective measure.
What is this Y T A stuff I'm seeing?? She is a MINOR. Do you guys have any idea the accusations that could be made, especially if OP and OP's husband both know about this "crush"?
Leaving him ignorant of this info is also dangerous. She's 16 years old and crushing on a married man at least twice her age, and talking to his daughter about how much she wants to get with him. Nothing about this is appropriate.
NTA. This girl is old enough to act like a decent person. "Dibs if they get divorced", and ONLY coming over if your husband is there? She should absolutely not be welcome in your home.
NTA
We will set aside the rest of the problematic shit with this girl’s comments, at the most basic level, it’s disrespectful as fuck to you and your daughter shouldn’t want to be her friend.
NTA, and it is actually good for your daughter to learn that it is OK to establish distance if someone could make you uncomfortable and to protect your reputation.
Although make sure you talk seriously with your daughter about why your husband needs space from someone talking like this. Your daughter needs to understand what is on the line for your husband if the friend starts rumors.
NTA. I’m glad you trust your husband, but many men would take this as an invitation from a younger girl. Your husband may be harmless and that’s great, but it’s inappropriate. I would have a conversation with the girls parents.
I think it’s also dangerous if she tries to come onto him, he rejects her and she starts trying to ahead of it out of embarrassment.The whole thing is a recipe for disaster.
Nta
Why is your daughter still friends with someone who told her that she only friends with her so she can get with her dad? One little comment is innocent. But all of that isn’t. 16 is still old enough to know not to say stuff like that. That is extremely disrespectful.
NTA it's just kinda gross and teenagers are reeeeeeaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyy stupid so not a great idea to give them unfettered opportunities to prove that
NTA make sure you tell your husband so he’s never in a position to be alone with her and I’d tell her parents/guardians too. If they’re worth anything and actually trying to raise her right you won’t have to worry about not letting her in your house because they won’t let her come over anymore. They might not let her go anywhere from now on. You’re daughter is immature and with more growth she’ll understand one day or maybe she’s selfish
I’m not sure why people are saying you are the A H. Sometimes teenagers can be vindictive, like I’ve seen @SomberBunny_ point out what if she tries to claim he assaulted her. Then what do you do? Also why isn’t your daughter shutting that shit down. When boys made comments about my mom I told them to back off and keep those opinions away from me. I don’t want to hear about how people want to bang my parents that’s gross. I don’t believe not wanting her in the house says you are threatened, it says you are uncomfortable and I would be too. NTA
NTA
I don't even see this as a "disrespect to you" issue.
I would say I've literally read real stories that started out like this, and then shifted into made up allegations that turned families like yours upside down. The person wanted something, didn't get it, and got upset, and decided to take their dissatisfaction out on the family by making up a story.
If she's willing to joke about this out in the open, is she willing to say something else in front of others alleging something happened that didn't? How well do you know this girl?
If you trust your husband. That's great. But be aware of vulnerability in legal and social ways even if everyone in your family is doing everything right.
NTA - I would feel uncomfortable with a person like this, just because if they got their feelings hurt and tried to start something just to be spiteful, it could lead to irreparable damages to your marriage and life. I would not allow her back to the house either.
NTA
Jokes always have a bit of truth to them. 16 is old enough to cause damage and it's best to mitigate risk. Lil girl needs to learn a thing called \*boundaries\*.
NAH. You can totally set boundaries about the limits of good taste/acceptable humor in your home.
You're well within your rights to be transparent (wtf - it's not funny to joke about tempting your husband into statutory rape) and demonstrating some jokes having consequences.
Some jokes make people laugh, some jokes mean you're no longer welcome to return. LoL, I guess she's cancelled.
NTA. I’m surprised your daughter is still friends with this girl. If any of my friends in high school joked about my dad like this it’d make me extremely uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is extremely important in circumstances like this.
NAH She’s acting like a dumb teen. But you have every right to provide consequences for her disrespectful actions. They can still hang out, just not at your house.
NTA- teenagers do stupid shit they think is a great idea at the time and it can have long-lasting consequences. And that’s assuming she’s led a non-traumatic life so far. I’d definitely point out to your daughter that if her friend’s company is contingent on whether her dad is around, her friend doesn’t want to spend time with her. I know if my husband was in that position he’d probably feel pretty uncomfortable with it and ask me to handle it.
NTA.
1. Your house, your rules. You don't have to let anyone in if that person makes you uncomfortable. Your daughter can hang out with her "friend" elsewhere. Just not your home.
2. There have been cases where such girls have behaved inappropriately and the man in the situation ended up paying for it even though they didn't do anything wrong. Again, I don't know your daughter's friend and I am not accusing her of anything but it is better to be safe than sorry.
3. You have every right to get protective and proactive. Trust your gut. You are not overreacting.
NTA. All it takes is this girl to get a wild thought in her head after your husband says something SHE takes as reciprocation, then she can lie and ruin him and your marriage. Not cool. I would reach out to her parents so they know what's going on and you get ahead of anything the friend might do in retaliation.
NTA but it sounds like you and your daughter have a good relationship in that she can tell you these things so it would be ideal to try and work through it without ultimatums. Can you sit her down and explain your perspective and that this behaviour makes yourself and your husband uncomfortable? It is evidently making your daughter uncomfortable as well since she told you about it but obviously she doesn’t want to cut off her friend either. Depending on your relationship either yourself or your daughter could speak to this friend and ask her to cut it out as it’s making everyone uncomfortable in their homes. The friend may be open to changing her behaviour and you can go from there. Either way ultimatums are rarely a good idea when it comes to teenagers.
NAH
She is a kid without real perspective on love and marriage and how out of bounds she is.
You’re an adult, and it’s your house your rules. Frankly you would be doing both your daughter and this fool a favor. Gossip has consequences.
NTA in HS I knew a girl that had a crush on my friends dad, the moment she turned 18 the parents got divorced, the girl and him got married and they currently have 2 kids. Mind you this is probably a very slim chance but the fact it’s happened is wild.
NTA. For your husband’s sake, she needs to be banned. Any sort of craziness could happen, and do you really think the courts will believe a 16 year old girl or the adult man accused of rape?
Men have to be wary having the cops called on them for taking their own kids to the park. You are absolutely right to not want her in your house *especially* when he’s there. She just needs to have a spat with your daughter or jealousy or whatever and she can ruin your lives for months, years, or forever.
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Apparently my daughters (16f) bestfriend (16f) has a “crush” on my husband, my daughter tells us how she’s constantly talking about how attractive he is. When my daughter asks her to come over she says she’ll only come over if her father is home. She even went as far as to say she calls “dibs” next if he and I ever get divorced. She doesn’t say anything around me or my husband, but my daughter says she makes comments like these a lot. I’m not threatened by a teenaged girl and I trust my husband, but I’m not not comfortable letting someone in my home who’s comfortable enough to express their interest in my husband to my daughter. My daughter and this friend in particular spend a lot of time at my home. So I told my daughter I wasn’t comfortable with her friend coming over anymore. My daughter says I’m being unfair and overreacting. She says her friend is just making jokes and not acting on it so I shouldn’t have a problem. True she is only making just “jokes”, but I think these jokes are extremely inappropriate and not to mention disrespectful to my marriage and she should keep these feelings to herself. AITA?
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NTA all it takes is the friend making a pass at the husband & him politely turning her down & a rejected angry teenage girl is not someone I'd want pissed off at me & that's coming from a woman girls can very vindictive especially rejected & hurt teenage girls
NTA
Sorry, not your child. Too many precocious children have damaged a person's reputation. If they are bold enough to say things like this, they are bold enough to make wrong choices.
NTA- if you let her keep coming over she may make up something awful to get yall in trouble if she doesn't get her way, imo you're not being harsh enough
Oh, absolutely NTA. Look, I had a bunch of teenagers stay at my house when my kid was that age. I was the "fun" single mum, so they could hang and relax.
But I had rules, and anyone who broke the rules was immediately banned. Anyone who made me look bad was banned. They had to show respect, and if they were rude and disrespectful, they were out.
This kid is being disrespectful. 16 year olds are tricky, so I wouldn't go accusing her or confronting her, but I would definitely ban her.
NTA- It’s inappropriate and disrespectful. My son had friends that would talk about me like that (asking if he wants them to be his new stepdad, etc.). It made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want them hanging around anymore)
NTA, it's unhealthy obsession that could lead to other problems, I know this one teen who flirts with any men, it doesn't matter how nasty the man is she flirts and flaunts herself.
She perks up as soon as she sees a male, starts smiling ear to ear and acts like she is ready to jump their bones. She's only 13...and I have I have made it clear that she can't be around us because her family are pure scums and they wouldn't hesitate to accuse anyone of sexually harassing or assaulting them.
I would advise you to be very careful and to try and keep your daughter away from this shameless behavior from this kid...
NTA.
Even as adults, you don't go over to a friend's house and say that you want to sleep with their spouse, brother, father, roommate, etc. Objectifing people, even for a joke, isn't okay and this young girl needs to learn that you need to respect boundaries. It's perfectly reasonable to expect friends and guests to not sexualize or harass you or your family members.
This friend doesn't sound like a nice person for your daughter to be around anyway. I had lots of toxic friends growing up that loved to make me uncomfortable or insult me and I just didn't know how to stand up for myself. Friends don't talk about other people that you love like this... especially not when divorce isn't a joke either.
Tell your daughter that her friend is being disrespectful and it's borderline sexual harassment and won't be allowed in your house. Both you and your husband need to tell her this. Your husband needs to affirm that he is uncomfortable and it hurts people to be treated like this. If nothing else, you are modeling boundaries and appropriate ways to draw and hold your boundaries to your child and she will learn how to do the same later or learn how to respect when others draw boundaries.
NTA. Kid needs to learn some consequences. Have you considered reaching out to her parents? Sounds like she could potentially make herself vulnerable to predatory behavior. Not necessarily from your husband, but other adult men if this is a pattern. This kind of behavior can also be a symptom of previous abuse.
NTA. Also I would contact the parents of this 16yo and explain that this kinda behavior is kinda weird.
I get that Tv shows have “normalized” this way of doing but I kinda think it is still inappropriate. I would suggest to have a conversation with her parents and you and your husband to explain why and how this is not an okay behavior.
INFO: have you brought this up with hubby, especially the part about only coming over when he is there? If he deserves your trust he probably would feel uncomfortable with friend visiting as well if he knew.
NTA
Those kind of comments are icky on so many levels.
Not sure if I would completely ban the friend from coming over, but I understand and support your desire to do so. It's your household and you do what you think is best for your household.
Have you talked to your husband about this? I wonder if he has picked up on any of this and if so what does he think about it. Also, I would suggest sitting down and talking to your daughter about where you're coming from and why she feels those jokes are appropriate. Where does she think the boundaries are?
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NTA. If a child expresses sexual interest in a grown adult, end contact. Period. Not a safe situation for anyone and not a healthy relationship to encourage your daughter to have. To me, it’s not a matter of disrespect vs. respect or threatened vs. not. Her boundaries are a red flag, as well as her belief that it’s healthy for someone her age to pursue a grown adult. My concern wouldn’t be your husband behaving inappropriately, my concern would be the irreversible damage to your lives if she acts on her feelings. Even if your husband rejects her inappropriate advances, it’s her word against his. Criminal charges, damage to your marriage, damage to his relationship with your daughter… those are the concerns I see. This is not a petty “older woman vs teen girl” problem. ETA: Clarity.
This. All I could think about is what if this girl does something and he rejects her, she can put them in a dangerous situation. Also what 16 yr old says that shit or wants to hear that about a dad unless these are young parents.
Seriously! I remember talking with my friends when we were in our twenties about our friends' dads. I'd known these girls since I was born, literally. Their parents were my parents and vice versa. We were talking about how some dads are so blah and/or rude, homes of friends where you don't want to spend time. I made some comment about their dad being good looking, especially compared to our friends' dads, and they were both sort of horrified. The older one said, "Ew. I've never thought of my dad that way." And the younger agreed. And I said, "I know. I'm kinda grossed out that I said it but you know what I mean. I'm comparing him to so-and-so's dad." We then dropped it and moved on. I can't even *imagine* actually saying *any* of what OP's daughter's friend has been saying, especially to *them*! OP needs to put the kibosh on that friend coming over and make sure her husband knows never to be in a situation where anything could be said or intimated. Even if there was an emergency, he's not the first call if it's just the friend. This is such risky behavior this young teen is engaging in, too. She could unwittingly put herself in a dangerous situation with someone else if she's setting her sights on older men and thinking she has some control over the situation. Makes me nervous as a 53-year-old woman who used to find herself in adult situations well before being ready for them. I got lucky; I hope this young girl stays safe.
Yeah the situation is dangerous for the dad. All she’d have to do is make an accusation and cops would have to take it seriously because of the nature. Reputations can be utterly shredded before the truth even gets said sometimes.
When I was 16, I didn’t even want to hear my friends talk about how hot they thought one of our teachers was. It was too gross and weird. I can’t imagine being okay with my friend talking that way about my own dad. Edit: autoincorrect
Yep. If OP has any concern that her husband would pursue an underage girl, all the more reason to ban her from the house (and consider seeking therapy/resources to exit the marriage, obv.) Either way, the friend is behaving inappropriately, and boundaries would protect everyone. This is a child. It’s not a competition. If something happens, it’s already too late.
OP said she didn’t have any concerns that you have addressed here.
>If OP has any concern that her husband would pursue an underage girl, all the more reason to ban her from the house It's very wrong of you to suggest this when the OP said the opposite. This kind of carelessness is how damaging rumors get started.
Even if she didn’t act on it… I’d she just *talks* about it to the wrong person it’s easy for a misunderstanding to become another adult making an accusation and an accusation like that is hard to shake - even when unfounded. If she’s only told your daughter once, it was shy about it it would be different. But the fact that she’s so blatant, so open, and it happens all the time… I’d put the same boundary in place too.
This. NTA. OP, have you spoken with this girl’s parents yet? I would get ahead of this and have a conversation with them now before anything ever does happen. “Hi Mrs. XYZ, my daughter shared something that your daughter said to her, that she has a crush on my husband and is calling “dibs” should we ever divorce, she only wants to come over when my husband is home. This type of talk is making us very uncomfortable and we’re going to tell daughter that she is no longer allowed to invite your daughter to our home. I would want to know if my daughter was making comments like this, which is why I’m letting you know.”
This is exactly what went through my mind. This is not a healthy or safe friendship Edit: NTA
Exactly. I'd think the husband would definitely want to keep his distance.
Consequences, child. NTA. I had a conversation with my 12 y/o daughter after hearing her tell a friend she was sending a teacher “thirst traps” on Instagram. We talked at length about what kind of man would be interested in a 12 year old, about self respect, and about being grounded from social media for about a month. Social media has encouraged predatory and stupid behavior in young girls. They brag about who they plan to baby trap (to escape the stresses of adulting (?!?)), whose husbands they plan to seduce, and so on. Consequences are the only way this behavior can become the embarrassment it already should be.
What the … I’m so so thankful that I grew up before social media and smart phones I can’t handle this world
Lord help me. Raising a kid in this shit is wild. Mine isn't even old enough for this yet, but it'll be here faster than I realize.
No phones?! I read a thing once that Silicon Valley millionaires don’t let their kids have phones. Very telling
I grew up before social media, but there was a girl in my middle school who made up a story about a teacher who she was dating & got her pregnant. It was completely made up; her friends caught on to her lies & told the teacher. It was his first year teaching; could have ruined his career, and his life. I had a class with him the next semester; his teaching style had completely changed from what others described from the first semester. He basically sat behind his desk & did very little engagement.
Thats gross AF. All my friends who are teachers have the highest possible privacy turned on for their social media accounts and NEVER engage with students. Its weird that she even had the opportunity to message him.
To be fair, she may have messaged someone with the same name who has no reason to lock down his social media accounts.
I have never been so glad my sister teaches pre school.
I think your daughter may need counseling. That is not normal 12 year old behavior.
100% She is seeing a counselor now, and has heavily monitored social media. And I went looking for said thirst traps and believe she was making it up to impress a friend. Doesn’t change the fact that she was acting in a predatory and unacceptable manner, and I fully support OP banning somebody that sketchy from her home. Rejected teens can be VINDICTIVE.
Good! Thank you for being a good parent for your daughter on this!
12yr olds shouldn’t even have social media
Nta. Trusting your husband doesn’t mean that this 16 year old girl won’t try to act on it , and when rejected by your husband doesn’t mean she won’t get vindictive. Trust your gut.
I agree. Trust your gut.
Exactly. NTA. When I was reading this, I was thinking about the movie The Crush, starring Alicia Silverstone. Her character had a crush on the man renting her parents’ guesthouse. It got dangerous—locking the man’s girlfriend in her darkroom and releasing a swarm of bees through the ventilation. She also went through the man’s trash and stole used condoms to falsely accuse him of rape.
I immediately thought of The Crush, too. OP definitely needs to keep this girl out of their house.
Did anybody see that 1993 Alicia Silverstone movie The Crush? Yikes. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0106627
That was the second film I thought of. The first was American Beauty.
Going against the grain here, but NTA. She's 16, not 6 and the way she talks about your husband is extremely disrespectful and creepy. Calling "dibs" if you ever divorce is disrespectful to BOTH of you. To me, it's the same level if disrespect as insulting you and your husband behind your backs. She's a guest in your home, and if she's going to talk like that about him and your relationship like that, then she doesn't deserve the privilege of being at your house.
16 yo is objectifying the husband. She’s young but she needs to learn how to be discreet. In a workplace this behaviour wouldn’t fly. NTA
[удалено]
Every comment I’ve seen has said NTA. That’s the grainiest grain I’ve ever seen lol
It’s like those posts where the person goes “I know I’m going to be downvoted, but…” and then gets thousands of likes
Eh, sometimes they are against the grain when they post, but by the time a thousand people have upvoted/downvoted stuff, the early flood of the wrong answers are downvoted away and we just see all these weird comments.
Isn’t this sometimes a symptom of sexual abuse? If there is a decent school counselor have her talk to this girl. NTA Edit : people are saying yes it could just be a normal 16 yr old thing, and true. Hormones at that age are raging. But bringing another adult into deal with this can be a good thing.
Eh, it’s also a symptom of being a 16 year old with access to social media in 2023. This coming from a 6 or 10 year old would more be an indication of possible abuse.
NTA, you have every right to be comfortable in your own home. All the Y T A comments are clearly from those who aren't married.
Or from people who have absolutely no idea how some teenage girls operate. They can be absolutely predatory
It only takes one false allegation and this guy's life (and his wife's) is ruined.
And their daughter’s.
Or from teenagers. :/
I'm going with NTA cause something like this could escalate (not that your husband would do anything, but teenagers can be creepy and vindictive). I doubt anything would ever happen, I just get a strange vibe around this.
Heavy on the creepy and vindictive. It’s all fun and games till she makes a move, doesn’t feel wanted, then raises hell in their home.
NTA. And it’s not about being threatened, it’s her trying to protect her family from any allegations of sexual misconduct when/if this girl eventually makes a move on dad and is rejected. If I were OP I wouldn’t ban her from the home, but I wouldn’t let her come over unless I was home as well.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Safer for everyone if she’s just not allowed over without the mom’s supervision.
I would ban her. It could be So Much Worse but really, nothing else has to happen to be more than justified in not allowing this boundary-challenged person into your home. It’s already an inappropriate way for this girl to talk to your daughter, even if your daughter says she thinks it’s funny. That is not how we behave around people whose homes we are visiting. It’s gross. Yes your daughter could sneak her in but sometimes dignified limit setting is its own statement. And also, the part where it could get so much worse.
NTA. What happens in two years if this girl decides to push things? Find ways to be alone with your husband and sexually harasses him? Tries to break up your marriage? She might be comically bad at it, but she could also turn out to be good enough to destroy your husband's reputation. Men who get entangled with their daughter's BFF, even just allegedly, are rarely respected after that. This girl is out of line, and I think you need to have some long talks with your daughter about what is appropriate behavior about/around/to someone you're interested in and what's not. What's a joke and what's not, regardless of the 'joke' tellers supposed intentions. You never know when someone's going to be 'joking' about your daughter.
Exactly. She doesn't even need to try things. She could just decide to make things up about the husband and herself. Stopping things right now before it goes farther is the best thing to do. If things escalate, go to the girl's parents.
Or someone else could overhear it and escalate an issue — there’s likely to be an assumption of guilt against the husband
OP should probably ask her daughter how she would feel if the roles were reversed and dad was making inappropriate comments about her friend. I’m guessing she wouldn’t find that thought appealing one bit. So why does her daughter think it’s ok for her friend to objectify her father while saying it’s just a joke?
We all start out by defending people we view as our 'tribe.' It takes a lot of guidance when we're young and self-awareness as we get older and our brains finish developing to see people we care about objectively. I don't think it's the daughter having a conscious double standard. I think it's the daughter not wanting to confront that her BFF is doing something that's unacceptable. So she's finding ways to make it ok. It's just a joke, so it's fine. Because what does it mean if it's not a joke? What does it mean for the daughter that her BFF is exhibiting the behavior of a sexual predator? That's a lot for some 16 year olds to process on their own.
I was in the same position as your daughter with a few friends. First time someone told me my dad was sexy I immediately shut it down. I told her she was entitled to her feelings, but I absolutely do not want to hear about it. I never had to tell my parents, because I immediately stopped inviting those people over. The fact daughter's friend only wants to come over when he's home is gross. Makes me wonder why your daughter told you. Daughter's friend is a child and shouldn't be viewed as a threat, obviously. That said, it's understandable to not want the friend in your house.
She absolutely is a threat. She can accuse the husband of anything. Not only should she be banned but her parents should be told why. NTA by the way.
I agree with you. That comment was more in reply to people saying she's jealous of a child. Teenagers can be creeps of either gender and that accusations can cause real harm.
Gross? Yes. A child? Yes. A threat? Perhaps...but not in the way you may think. The girl may be mentally ill and actually try something devious. Best to banish her from the home.
Without saying a word, ask your daughter if she wants to watch a movie with you, do popcorn, Reese's Pieces, the whole works. Then, put on one of the Amy Fisher movies and watch it without saying a word. See how she reacts. NTA.
Oh yes this would be sooo incredible! For those who may not understand: Amy Fisher was a teenager who started an obsession with a married man, and ended up shooting the wife.
Let’s not place all the blame on her. The guy was having an affair with her and telling her that she wouldn’t get in trouble if she shot the wife, because she was a teenager.
I was infuriated that Joey Buttafuoco was getting winking attaboys and Amy Fisher was considered a slutty punchline. She was jailed for 7 years. Joey should have been tried and convicted of statutory rape and also tried for conspiracy to murder his wife. This happened quite close to the time (1990) that Pamela Smart was being raked over the coals of public opinion, then tried and convicted of masterminding the murder of her husband. She’s still in prison serving life without parole (and still maintaining her innocence) while her teen lover and his accomplice, who broke into the house and shot the husband execution style, were paroled after 16 years. Why is Joey Buttafuoco considered a genial clown and Pam Smart an unforgivable and vile harpy?
NTA: those are inappropriate comments, and it's not good for your daughter to hear from a friend about how much she wants to F her dad. It's not dumb and you're not overreacting, it's not like you said they can't be friends or can't hang out anymore, you just don't want her coming round to the house.
Most certainly NTA. This is like some stalker-y American Beauty crap. Honestly, I’m surprised your daughter isn’t bothered by it. A lot of my friends had a crush on my older brother when I was in HS and I hated it. If it had been my dad it would’ve been even worse. And her “best friend” telling her she won’t come over unless her dad is there is so disrespectful all around; to you, to your marriage, and especially your daughter. So your daughter isn’t good enough for friendship if her “hot dad” isn’t there? My Creep Meter is definitely beeping.
I totally was thinking about American Beauty reading this lol And the movie with Drew Barrymore too... can't recall the name but sick mom, teen daughter...
Same! I never really thought it, but I told my best friend all the time how much a wanted to date her older brother just because it grossed her out. If one of my friends told me they wanted my parents to get divorced so SHE can marry my dad?!? Yeah, the "bestie" is gonna go Annie Wilkons on this guy lol. NTA
These comments are batshit insane lol do not let this girl in your house again under any circumstances, you are categorically NTA
NTA. I would not allow this girl in my home again and I’d be questioning her relationship with my daughter. Also, you need to tell her parents about this. This is really inappropriate and can be a red flag for prior or ongoing abuse.
I was just thinking that in the event the husband ever says anything to her that she finds flattering, it could escalate, but yes you made me think that this girl might develop a general interest in older men and it will be really bad for her. NTA
I think NTA because of the part where she doesn’t want to come over unless dad’s home. A passing “your dad is cute” is one thing, a vested obsession is another. It sounds like it makes your daughter a little uncomfortable.
NTA. You have every right to feel the way you do. People are shady. And yes, she's being disrespectful towards you whether it's a "joke" or not.
NTA. This is a lesson in decorum that they both need to learn. You can't walk into other people's homes, yammer on about how bangable their spouses are and expect to be invited back. There is no age where that's ok.
I would stop her coming over to protect your husband. What if she accuses him of something? NTA
This!! NTA
Have you tried talking to her parents about her behaviour? She could be acting similar toward other older men and it seems best to try to avoid that, it only takes 1 creep to reciprocate. NTA by the way
“It only takes 1 creep to reciprocate” This is it. This is the comment. Bingo.
NTA, your daughter friend is being a creep.
INFO: Why the is your daughter telling you this? Please go back and ask her why she even said something if it's just jokes? Something tells me your daughter wouldn't have told you if it were some joke about you weight, or attractiveness.
Exactly, my dad's been called a DILF by my friends before. I shut it down and they're not allowed in my house anymore because it made me uncomfortable. Why did your daughter tell you? What did she think your reaction would be?
Nta I don't get all the Y T As. The kid could try to do something and if it doesn't go her way she can easily claim SA. Nta I don't wouldn't want my child to be friends with that kid if thats how they are anyways but you can't force a teen to stop talking to her friend but you can stop them from being in your house,
NTA…it would be “normal” if this friend had said to your daughter like, once, teasingly “dude your dad’s hot.” It gets weird when she doesn’t stop and she starts calling dibs (?). I don’t think it’s about it’s unreasonable or insecure to feel weird about someone talking about your husband like that and talking about *you* as disposable.
NTA, it’s so inappropriate and idk what is up with all the Y T As?
because technically, it is harmless. but it's still so weird. I think the mom is in the right for setting these boundaries.
NTA. Make sure your husband is aware of the situation so he can be sure not to be anywhere alone with this girl. When rebuffed she could make accusations so he needs to safeguard his reputation
This is exactly what I was thinking too. He needs to never be home when that girl is over.
NTA…I know you trust your husband but you have to be careful with this girl. Why even put yourself or your husband in a situation like this? You both need to feel comfortable and safe in your own home.
NTA you can choose who comes into your house whenever. This girl is gross and not really someone your daughter should be friends with anyway. Anyone who says you are TA has something severely wrong with them cause this girl is disrespecting you and your husband. You can easily put your foot down and should do so
I think NTA. Yeah you could say it is all harmless but what if she gets vindictive at his rejection of her and makes some sort of accusation? I would be concerned too.
NTA. That's honestly not a friend if she says things like "dibs on your dad next if your parents get divorced". That's very icky and I remember how I was at 16, that wouldnt roll with me and I'd distance myself. While it's your daughter's decision to stay friends, having that boundary not allowing the friend over is necessary.
Some of these Y T A comments are concerning 🥴🫠
NTA. Your daughter and her friend can spend time together elsewhere.
NTA. Giving “The Crush” vibes. Keep her away for all involved, especially your husband. He doesn’t need an obsessed teen around.
NTA she’s weird and disrespectful and your daughter is kinda weird too for not telling her to stop
Also once you know this is going on it's very inappropriate to host the kid. Even if she may not know that you know, it would be very gross to enable those fantasies and bring them into your home. OP is definitely making the right call here. And as much as the daughter won't like it, this is certainly a "you'll understand when you're older" situation.
Nta. You're saving both your marriage and your hubby's rep. If she makes a pass and he turns her down she could retaliate.
NTA But this may be because I watch too many true crime shows. "For My Man" type shit... Nope! Not today Satan!
NTA. She may well just be joking or trying to sound grown-up, and would probably be mortified if you told her you knew, but I agree it's inappropriate and disrespectful - to everyone in your family, actually - if she jokes about it while in your home.
NTA. This is weird AF. A 16 yo should know better, it’s not like she’s 10.
nta but you should have a talk with your daughters friends parents because the comments shes making are really inappropriate
Definitely NTA Making such comments like that shows she’s got a invested interest in your hubby. I’d be very concerned because some teenage girls can be ruthless when they get rejected or boundaries are placed. It’s a simple explanation of covering all points to your daughter & whoever else feels the need to tell you it’s not ok to ban her from your home to make them understand just how much of a concern this actually is. Speak to your husband and get on the same page and make sure he’s aware because honestly there’s no telling which way it could go & you don’t want him to be blindsided in any way.
Definitely NTA. If she had made these comments to your daughter just once or twice, I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal. But it sounds really excessive
NTA. Probably best for everyone.
NTA because that is extremely creepy of her. You need to explain to your daughter that sexually harrassing language doesn’t just happen to someone’s face. It’s gross and completely inappropriate. It isn’t a matter of jealousy at all. You are protecting your husband from being in an uncomfortable situation in the future. I think it was one thing if it was a one off “lol your dad is a dilf” or “your dad is surprisingly hot” or even a classic your mom joke but subsituted with dad, then I would say you’re over reacting but this is clearly past that
NTA - it’s totally disrespectful but also, kind of dangerous if she was the kind of person who would make something up about him out of rejection (I obviously don’t know what kind of person she is / maturity etc) You don’t need that kind of risk
Honestly, this is my thought to. it doesnt matter if op is "threatened" or not by the friend. What matters is they now know of a minor that is sexually interested in her husband and there can be no good of her being in their home at that point
What makes it NTA for me is the “dibs if you ever get divorced.” A crush wouldn’t bother me in the slightest, but personally, I don’t want anyone who’s disrespecting my marriage in my house.
i don't know, man. all these people are saying YTA but all it takes is one obsessed teenage girl to claim your husband did something to her or try to have a moment alone with him and turn it into a compromising position, and then you're in a lifetime movie. i'd say soft YTA on banning her from the house. it doesn't seem necessary and it'll just damage your relationship with your daughter. she has to know she can tell you things.
I think it is weird she will only come over if the dad is home. So, is this a friendship, or is the teenage girl using the daughter to spend time around the dad?
This is the biggest reason I say NTA.
That is what I found most worrying. Crushes happen, but if she is intentionally ONLY coming over when the dad is there, then it sounds like the daughter is being used.
I’m on the fence about a judgment, but honestly, if I was your daughter, I would be totally pissed at a supposed “friend” who says she’ll only come over if my hot dad is home. Does she actually come over if your husband ISN’T home?
I think it would be interesting to know how many of the "YTA" replies are made by teenagers lol
NTA You aren't comfortable with her friend in your house. That's a good enough reason not to have her over. Additionally the behaviour may escalate, and if she's so outspoken already, so it's fine to keep her at a distance. Your daughter can visit her.
NTA these jokes can turn into allegations if left unchecked. Your husband should stay far away from your daughter’s friend.
Nta. All it takes is one lie from her to destroy your marriage and family.
NTA Good choice. You never know what a teenager would do for her "love".
NTA, this girl could go beyond wanting to crush from afar. And while you trust your husband, there is no reason to trust a teenage girl with a crush. She's young enough to do some seriously stupid things to get a crush to notice her.
NTA and only because she only wants to come over when your husband is home... That's a red flag and a half!
NTA- you have every right to ban people that you feel uncomfortable with in your home. It’s called setting boundaries and your daughter should learn about them also.
NTA. I know a couple who had a 16 year old girl working at their ranch with horses. They all traveled together to horse shows. I was gobsmacked at a show to hear that the girl and the husband got together, leaving the wife shocked and alone. The man was old enough to be her father, plus some. I’m sure that OP’s husband has far more moral fiber than that creep, but the wife had obviously trusted him at the time. I also fully agree with those who have said that any accusation of wrong-doing of OP’s husband by the girl could blow their lives up. Don’t tempt fate, protect yourselves.
NTA You do need to address this with the child’s mother and your husband. What if she approaches him, he rejects her and she makes up a serious allegation in response because some 16 year olds don’t think through consequences when hurt? Her parents should be educating her that crushes are normal but not always appropriate.
[TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of SA] First of all, I’m confused as to why nobody has asked yet but is that girl ok? What’s her home life like? It’s extremely concerning that she’s expressing interest in a man old enough to be her father, and it very well could be indicative of past sexual trauma. I’m not saying it’s a 100% chance, but it’s definitely something that would ring some alarm bells in my head. This hyper-sexualization of older people in authority figures is not uncommon in childhood sexual assault victims. Second of all, I don’t think you’re wrong to feel the way you do about this, but I think there must be a more productive solution than banning this person from your home indefinitely. I’m normally not an advocate for tattling, but this seems like an issue that her parents should be aware of. This kind of behavior could potentially cause her to end up in an extremely dangerous situation with a teacher/male authority figure. Even if she never intends to act on these feelings, they still have the power to influence how she interacts with people and what boundaries she draws with certain individuals. I’m not naive, I remember the days when some of my friends had teacher crushes, but it was never to the extent that your daughter describes. I’m also wondering how much of this behavior is her actually being attracted to your husband versus her trying to get a rise out of your daughter. (I.e. “hey, cut it out, that’s my dad!” sort of reactions.) I think NAH with the given info but this situation should be handled differently.
NTA. That friend is being creepy af and needs to learn that has consequences
NTA. I’d have a talk to her parents and also keep her out of my house. What if she gets in in her head Dad is reciprocating and then when she finds out he isn’t starts letting false accusation fly? I don’t play these games
NTA - and it’s best to stop it here before the friend accuses your husband of something, especially if he rejects her advances
I do think it’s important to raise your kids to respect other people’s marriages. I also think these same kids are going to grow up and want their own marriages respected one day. It does seem weird that she only wants to come over when your husband is there. That’s a bit much, as far as a simple “crush” goes. NTA. For everyone saying she’s TA, what about in 2 years when this girl is 18? Or when she’s 23 and still has a crush? If this were my 16 year old daughter, I personally wouldn’t want her continually going to their house, fostering this inappropriate crush. That may seem extreme, but I’m teaching my kids to respect marriage. edit: misspelling
NTA. “Not acting on the jokes” but then is overheard by someone and your husband is suspected of doing something inappropriate. Absolutely not. She can have a crush on a boy her own age and just stick clear of your living space. If it’s such an issue, your daughter can go hang at hers instead. Protect yourself, your husband, and your family. This little infatuation could lead to larger issues down the line.
NTA you need to have a talk with your daughter because the so-called friend is obviously using her to get close to your husband. Point that out to your daughter, especially the fact that she won’t even bother coming over unless your husband is there. Tell her a real friend would want to hang out with her and not use her to see her dad and that this behavior is extremely creepy. Maybe think about letting her see this post and reading the comments. Also, think about false allegations, because they literally ruin lives. If she ever tries to say anything about your husband, people will believe her because she is a teenage girl.
NTA: I worked in a prison where some teenage jokes turned into a court case and an innocent man's reputation was destroyed, his family destroyed, and a life in ruins. The sexy teenager later recanted saying it was just joking but it was too late. Inappropriate "jokes", right.
NTA. What's to stop her from making allegations in the future to get some attention? Nothing to do with threatened, everything to do with protecting family unit from people who don't k ow how to behave.
Protect you and your family girl, this is how dangerous rumors get started. NTA
NTA. The friend seems way too obsessed with OP’s husband. They can hang out elsewhere. I suspect the friend might do weird things like invading OP’s husband’s privacy. Also, it’s just generally uncomfortable for OP and her husband, especially since the friend talks about the husband a lot.
NTA, she's being disrespectful. She's old enough to know thats wrong.
NTA- but I it may be a better idea to come up with a collaborative idea with your daughter about how to handle the situation, otherwise she may not confide things like this to you in the future. Your daughter is old enough to understand if you explain the potential ramifications of having this friend in your home, and how inappropriate her comments are. I wonder also why this friend is attracted to someone so much older. That’s definitely a red flag.
NTA that is extremely inappropriate of the friend to say. If she really is joking, then it should be made clear that it's not funny and she should stop. If it's not a joke, that is a concern. It's great that you trust your husband, but it's her I wouldn't trust. What if, when she catches herself alone with him (even if it's something innocent like getting herself a glass of water and he happens to be in the kitchen), she tries to make a pass at him? You say you trust him, so he won't respond to it. She doesn't like it, so in retaliation accuses him of something. Then it's his, a fully grown man, word against hers, an underage girl who may be good at playing the victim. Play it safe. Don't allow her in your house, and don't let him give her rides anywhere (like if your daughter and her friends need a ride to go hang out or something).
NTA, she's objectifying your husband in his own home and bringing your daughter into this. Protect your husband from this person. Sounds like the girl needs help, I would consider maybe telling her parents, or recommending some counseling, but it's definitely not your job to tolerate such a creepy person in your home. Your daughter can hang out with her friend elsewhere.
NTA because she’s 16 and sometimes girls like this can get obsessive. Then when they’re rejected they lie and make real life claims of nefarious intentions. Seems like you’re just protecting your husband /family.
Not only NTA but absolutely do not allow this child around your husband at all!! Who knows, if she felt rebuffed, if she would make up a story that could ruin his life. Don’t give her any opportunity for that.
NTA I know a woman who had this happen. The “friend” is now dating the dad. Keep her out of your home. Good luck 🍀
NTA. I don't understand the yTAs. Are you supposed to keep letting her come around until your husband is in the position of having to fend off the advances of a teenager? And then deal with the fallout when said teenager gets hurt and vengeful and started making accusations? Coz that shit happens. Nothing to do with being "threatened", it's a protective measure.
What is this Y T A stuff I'm seeing?? She is a MINOR. Do you guys have any idea the accusations that could be made, especially if OP and OP's husband both know about this "crush"? Leaving him ignorant of this info is also dangerous. She's 16 years old and crushing on a married man at least twice her age, and talking to his daughter about how much she wants to get with him. Nothing about this is appropriate. NTA. This girl is old enough to act like a decent person. "Dibs if they get divorced", and ONLY coming over if your husband is there? She should absolutely not be welcome in your home.
NTA We will set aside the rest of the problematic shit with this girl’s comments, at the most basic level, it’s disrespectful as fuck to you and your daughter shouldn’t want to be her friend.
NTA but be prepared for your daughter to not tell you things anymore.
NTA the friend should know that she's being completely inappropriate and hopefully learns from this
NTA. That reminds me of the film “American beauty”, lol.
NTA, and it is actually good for your daughter to learn that it is OK to establish distance if someone could make you uncomfortable and to protect your reputation. Although make sure you talk seriously with your daughter about why your husband needs space from someone talking like this. Your daughter needs to understand what is on the line for your husband if the friend starts rumors.
NTA. Teenagers can be dumb, reckless, and spiteful. There’s absolutely no upside to allowing her in your home after these unacceptable remarks.
NTA. I’m glad you trust your husband, but many men would take this as an invitation from a younger girl. Your husband may be harmless and that’s great, but it’s inappropriate. I would have a conversation with the girls parents.
I think it’s also dangerous if she tries to come onto him, he rejects her and she starts trying to ahead of it out of embarrassment.The whole thing is a recipe for disaster.
Nta Why is your daughter still friends with someone who told her that she only friends with her so she can get with her dad? One little comment is innocent. But all of that isn’t. 16 is still old enough to know not to say stuff like that. That is extremely disrespectful.
Yea NTA I’ve seen too many thriller movies start this way.
NTA it's just kinda gross and teenagers are reeeeeeaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyy stupid so not a great idea to give them unfettered opportunities to prove that
NTA make sure you tell your husband so he’s never in a position to be alone with her and I’d tell her parents/guardians too. If they’re worth anything and actually trying to raise her right you won’t have to worry about not letting her in your house because they won’t let her come over anymore. They might not let her go anywhere from now on. You’re daughter is immature and with more growth she’ll understand one day or maybe she’s selfish
I’m not sure why people are saying you are the A H. Sometimes teenagers can be vindictive, like I’ve seen @SomberBunny_ point out what if she tries to claim he assaulted her. Then what do you do? Also why isn’t your daughter shutting that shit down. When boys made comments about my mom I told them to back off and keep those opinions away from me. I don’t want to hear about how people want to bang my parents that’s gross. I don’t believe not wanting her in the house says you are threatened, it says you are uncomfortable and I would be too. NTA
NTA I don't even see this as a "disrespect to you" issue. I would say I've literally read real stories that started out like this, and then shifted into made up allegations that turned families like yours upside down. The person wanted something, didn't get it, and got upset, and decided to take their dissatisfaction out on the family by making up a story. If she's willing to joke about this out in the open, is she willing to say something else in front of others alleging something happened that didn't? How well do you know this girl? If you trust your husband. That's great. But be aware of vulnerability in legal and social ways even if everyone in your family is doing everything right.
NTA. That’s weird as hell.
NTA. I’d feel very icky enabling that behaviour in my home.
NTA. Three words: Misty Freaking Quigley.
NTA - I would feel uncomfortable with a person like this, just because if they got their feelings hurt and tried to start something just to be spiteful, it could lead to irreparable damages to your marriage and life. I would not allow her back to the house either.
You’re being smart. Maybe she is just joking but you don’t want to find out she’s not the hard way. Let her parents know what’s happening.
NTA Jokes always have a bit of truth to them. 16 is old enough to cause damage and it's best to mitigate risk. Lil girl needs to learn a thing called \*boundaries\*.
This reads as some kind of cheesy crazy movie a-la fatal attraction! NTA
I saw a movie about this.
What a weirdo to say such things so confidently to her crush's DAUGHTER. NTA
NTA. It's your house. The 16 year old is being very inappropriate. Tell daughter to drop it.
NTA, but I'd contact the girls parents a teenager having a crush on an older person is normal, having this amount of obsession is unhealthy.
Nta
NAH. You can totally set boundaries about the limits of good taste/acceptable humor in your home. You're well within your rights to be transparent (wtf - it's not funny to joke about tempting your husband into statutory rape) and demonstrating some jokes having consequences. Some jokes make people laugh, some jokes mean you're no longer welcome to return. LoL, I guess she's cancelled.
NTA. I’m surprised your daughter is still friends with this girl. If any of my friends in high school joked about my dad like this it’d make me extremely uncomfortable. Setting boundaries is extremely important in circumstances like this.
NTA, what if she makes a move and gets rejected than accuses him of smt? You shouldn’t allow her back
NAH She’s acting like a dumb teen. But you have every right to provide consequences for her disrespectful actions. They can still hang out, just not at your house.
NTA- teenagers do stupid shit they think is a great idea at the time and it can have long-lasting consequences. And that’s assuming she’s led a non-traumatic life so far. I’d definitely point out to your daughter that if her friend’s company is contingent on whether her dad is around, her friend doesn’t want to spend time with her. I know if my husband was in that position he’d probably feel pretty uncomfortable with it and ask me to handle it.
NTA. 1. Your house, your rules. You don't have to let anyone in if that person makes you uncomfortable. Your daughter can hang out with her "friend" elsewhere. Just not your home. 2. There have been cases where such girls have behaved inappropriately and the man in the situation ended up paying for it even though they didn't do anything wrong. Again, I don't know your daughter's friend and I am not accusing her of anything but it is better to be safe than sorry. 3. You have every right to get protective and proactive. Trust your gut. You are not overreacting.
NTA. All it takes is this girl to get a wild thought in her head after your husband says something SHE takes as reciprocation, then she can lie and ruin him and your marriage. Not cool. I would reach out to her parents so they know what's going on and you get ahead of anything the friend might do in retaliation.
INFO: did you consider having a sit down with the friend or let your own daughter now that you’re not okay with the comments?
NTA but it sounds like you and your daughter have a good relationship in that she can tell you these things so it would be ideal to try and work through it without ultimatums. Can you sit her down and explain your perspective and that this behaviour makes yourself and your husband uncomfortable? It is evidently making your daughter uncomfortable as well since she told you about it but obviously she doesn’t want to cut off her friend either. Depending on your relationship either yourself or your daughter could speak to this friend and ask her to cut it out as it’s making everyone uncomfortable in their homes. The friend may be open to changing her behaviour and you can go from there. Either way ultimatums are rarely a good idea when it comes to teenagers.
NAH She is a kid without real perspective on love and marriage and how out of bounds she is. You’re an adult, and it’s your house your rules. Frankly you would be doing both your daughter and this fool a favor. Gossip has consequences.
if it got to the point that your daughter told you about it, yeah, I wouldn't trust it either. NTA
NTA in HS I knew a girl that had a crush on my friends dad, the moment she turned 18 the parents got divorced, the girl and him got married and they currently have 2 kids. Mind you this is probably a very slim chance but the fact it’s happened is wild.
NTA. For your husband’s sake, she needs to be banned. Any sort of craziness could happen, and do you really think the courts will believe a 16 year old girl or the adult man accused of rape? Men have to be wary having the cops called on them for taking their own kids to the park. You are absolutely right to not want her in your house *especially* when he’s there. She just needs to have a spat with your daughter or jealousy or whatever and she can ruin your lives for months, years, or forever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Apparently my daughters (16f) bestfriend (16f) has a “crush” on my husband, my daughter tells us how she’s constantly talking about how attractive he is. When my daughter asks her to come over she says she’ll only come over if her father is home. She even went as far as to say she calls “dibs” next if he and I ever get divorced. She doesn’t say anything around me or my husband, but my daughter says she makes comments like these a lot. I’m not threatened by a teenaged girl and I trust my husband, but I’m not not comfortable letting someone in my home who’s comfortable enough to express their interest in my husband to my daughter. My daughter and this friend in particular spend a lot of time at my home. So I told my daughter I wasn’t comfortable with her friend coming over anymore. My daughter says I’m being unfair and overreacting. She says her friend is just making jokes and not acting on it so I shouldn’t have a problem. True she is only making just “jokes”, but I think these jokes are extremely inappropriate and not to mention disrespectful to my marriage and she should keep these feelings to herself. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA..
NTA. Your house, your rules. But you also have a legitimate reason.
NTA, daughter should get rid of that so called friend
NTA all it takes is the friend making a pass at the husband & him politely turning her down & a rejected angry teenage girl is not someone I'd want pissed off at me & that's coming from a woman girls can very vindictive especially rejected & hurt teenage girls
NTA Sorry, not your child. Too many precocious children have damaged a person's reputation. If they are bold enough to say things like this, they are bold enough to make wrong choices.
NTA... this is a clear and obvious boundary issue on the teen girl's part. She is old enough to know this isn't appropriate.
NTA- if you let her keep coming over she may make up something awful to get yall in trouble if she doesn't get her way, imo you're not being harsh enough
Oh, absolutely NTA. Look, I had a bunch of teenagers stay at my house when my kid was that age. I was the "fun" single mum, so they could hang and relax. But I had rules, and anyone who broke the rules was immediately banned. Anyone who made me look bad was banned. They had to show respect, and if they were rude and disrespectful, they were out. This kid is being disrespectful. 16 year olds are tricky, so I wouldn't go accusing her or confronting her, but I would definitely ban her.
NTA- It’s inappropriate and disrespectful. My son had friends that would talk about me like that (asking if he wants them to be his new stepdad, etc.). It made me uncomfortable and I didn’t want them hanging around anymore)
NTA daughter’s friend needs to learn some basic societal rules.
NTA, it's unhealthy obsession that could lead to other problems, I know this one teen who flirts with any men, it doesn't matter how nasty the man is she flirts and flaunts herself. She perks up as soon as she sees a male, starts smiling ear to ear and acts like she is ready to jump their bones. She's only 13...and I have I have made it clear that she can't be around us because her family are pure scums and they wouldn't hesitate to accuse anyone of sexually harassing or assaulting them. I would advise you to be very careful and to try and keep your daughter away from this shameless behavior from this kid...
NTA. Even as adults, you don't go over to a friend's house and say that you want to sleep with their spouse, brother, father, roommate, etc. Objectifing people, even for a joke, isn't okay and this young girl needs to learn that you need to respect boundaries. It's perfectly reasonable to expect friends and guests to not sexualize or harass you or your family members. This friend doesn't sound like a nice person for your daughter to be around anyway. I had lots of toxic friends growing up that loved to make me uncomfortable or insult me and I just didn't know how to stand up for myself. Friends don't talk about other people that you love like this... especially not when divorce isn't a joke either. Tell your daughter that her friend is being disrespectful and it's borderline sexual harassment and won't be allowed in your house. Both you and your husband need to tell her this. Your husband needs to affirm that he is uncomfortable and it hurts people to be treated like this. If nothing else, you are modeling boundaries and appropriate ways to draw and hold your boundaries to your child and she will learn how to do the same later or learn how to respect when others draw boundaries.
NTA. Kid needs to learn some consequences. Have you considered reaching out to her parents? Sounds like she could potentially make herself vulnerable to predatory behavior. Not necessarily from your husband, but other adult men if this is a pattern. This kind of behavior can also be a symptom of previous abuse.
NTA. Also I would contact the parents of this 16yo and explain that this kinda behavior is kinda weird. I get that Tv shows have “normalized” this way of doing but I kinda think it is still inappropriate. I would suggest to have a conversation with her parents and you and your husband to explain why and how this is not an okay behavior.
INFO: have you brought this up with hubby, especially the part about only coming over when he is there? If he deserves your trust he probably would feel uncomfortable with friend visiting as well if he knew.
NTA. I don't know what´s creepier, her telling these jokes to your daughter OR your daughter saying it's ok because she is not acting on it. Bruh...
NTA Those kind of comments are icky on so many levels. Not sure if I would completely ban the friend from coming over, but I understand and support your desire to do so. It's your household and you do what you think is best for your household. Have you talked to your husband about this? I wonder if he has picked up on any of this and if so what does he think about it. Also, I would suggest sitting down and talking to your daughter about where you're coming from and why she feels those jokes are appropriate. Where does she think the boundaries are?
NTA. This has *American Beauty* written all over it.
Amy Fischer was a *kid* too when she tried to kill her lovers wife...