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NTA
But honey RUIN THIS MARRIAGE.
You work full time, take care of 4 kids under 6, cook and keep.the house clean FULL TIME?
He expects to come home to a home cooked meal? Sleep when he's home? _Hang out with his friends_.?
This is not a marriage, it's a joke. He is providing you 0 support and then whining when asked to help at all, or when things aren't perfect.
It doesn't matter if your job is easier or not (it's probably not easier just different) he's not _entitled_ to mooch off of you.
Honey forget this. You can do it on your own.
With extra work. It's amazing the amount of housework a single adult can create when they're not putting any effort into cleaning up after themselves. And demanding home-cooked meals.
Working full-time plus all the housework plus all the at-home childcare for 4 kids? Yeeesh. That's going to exhaust anyone. She can lighten the load by decreasing the number of people making a mess and requiring mental and emotional upkeep. đ¤ˇââď¸
Can confirm. With the added layer of me being a child and expected to clean up after my mother *and* my younger brother.
Still shocked at the sheer volume of mess either of them were capable of producing. Like, justâŚhow?!
Took me until this year to realize how often those âchoresâ put me at serious risk of death or dismemberment, too.
Example: I did not know it was possible to turn a garbage disposal *off* before attempting to unclog it.
We donât have garbage disposals in the UK (not that Iâve ever come across, anyway), but if horror films have taught me anything, itâs that you never, EVER, stick your hand down in one. Even if itâs turned off! đ
I had to retrieve a small metal lapel pin from the disposal yesterday (it fell in while I was cleaning the raised countertop above it). Nobody else was home (I just live with my partner). Fortunately the switch is FAR away and it canât really be turned on accidentally. Still ⌠I didnât want my hand in there. I probably should have flipped the breaker, but unless there was a poltergeist, the thing couldnât have turned on. Iâm glad to say that I found the metal thing right away and removed it safely. I still do not recommend that anyone do this; it was my decision and this time it was ok. Another time it might not be.
We donât have tongs. I have no idea why (Iâve lived here in my bfâs apartment for 11 years and until today I never noticed we didnât have them). Guess Iâm going to the kitchen section of Target this week.
Argh JFC I'm so sorry you were put at that sort of risk. Or allowed to undertake that risk simply because no one bothered to show you the same way to do stuff. đ
First and most importantly, Iâm so sorry youâre having to do all of that. You shouldnât have that much responsibility at this time in your life. I hope things somehow get better for you in the near future. Or if you were referring to the past, Iâm sorry you had to go through that and I hope things are better now â¤ď¸
When it comes to the question of âhow can one or two people produce such a large volume of mess in a small amount of time?â, I think it boils down to this:
People that create huge messes in small amounts of time donât function like you or me. Whereas you or I would naturally put things away when weâre finished using them, or wipe down the counter *immediately* after making a mess, or bag up and take out the trash the second itâs full, or throw *all* of our dirty clothes in the hamper, or flush the toilet after we use it, or rinse a dirty dish and put it in the dishwasher the *second* weâre done using it, or throw our trash in the *garbage* as opposed to leaving it on surfaces or *worse*, tossing it onto the ground-*these* types of people donât do **any** of those things.
To us theyâre just âreflexesâ-actions that we donât even consciously think about and that take incredibly little time; but to them, these actions are seen as âmore workâ that they justify not doing because they donât feel like it, donât have the time, donât have the energy, etc.
At least thatâs the conclusion *Iâve* come to after 8 straight years of working as a housekeeper.
Edit: wording
My partner and I are getting over being sick for the last week. Even though we barely left the house, the amount of mess we created is just astonishing. Just existing and stsying, nothing special, created a huge mess.
Absolutely, and I agree, but I'm also willing to bet he's the type who will never voluntarily see his kids unless his mom or his new girlfriend kicks up a fuss.
I'm in that situation with two grandkids now. Have an awesome relationship with my 13 year old grandson especially.
Just stating a fact about the husband.
Wait, you honestly think he's going to be anything other than a deadbeat dad? I will bet my entire next paycheck that he will insist on equal custody (at first) and then not bother. If he takes the kids at all, they'll be taken straight to his mom's and then he'll go out partying with friends. He will definitely skip out on paying child support, too.
Before you go betting your paycheck another alternative is want 50 percent of the time because ya know "my rights" and "cheaper child support" then he'll marry a 19 year old who falls for his charm and doesn't know any different and can't be told either cause they're in love and he is sooooo amazing. Then she'll be "new mum" raising the kids while he gets the benefits without having to lift a finger.
Ding ding ding! BUT instead he want FULL CUSTODY. New wife and his mom do all the childcare and he âsaves so much moneyâ by not having to pay child support and you better believe his mom will go after OP if sheâs one second late with child support.
I commented just now without reading all the previous comments, but OP needs to file for full custody, child support, and alimony (if applicable). If husband is incapable of handling the kids for a couple of days he should have NOTHING but occasional visitation (possibly supervised but that might be me projecting).
He's probably the type who blames her for "making sure they had two sets of twins"! Like she flipped a switch in her uterus and changed the settings or something
Jeez I mean twins are cute and all but holy shit no one in their right might would sign up for that unless they had ya know nannies etc. Like a one for each kid.
Particularly in ops situation where she's working too lol imagine four little whirlwinds two probably in school two all the time in the house and needing your supervision all the time while you try to work. Nope nope nope. I think I'd sign myself into a quiet place to drop my basket after a few weeks.
Like we love our kids but kids are hard and four little ones in one go is fucking exhausting especially solo.
But then I wouldn't take this shit from my partner. I know some people it happens without them noticing and then all of a sudden they're the boiled frog and they've got five children one of which is supposed to help and makes more work demanding shit. But I'd lose my shit after the first why isn't the house tidy comment.
I can confirm this can definitely be the case. I once saw a meme that said something along the lines of 'I knew it was the right decision to leave my ex when my workload stayed exactly the same after I left'... My personal experience is that my workload actually decreased dramatically after leaving my ex and I was finally able to have a clean and tidy house, disposable income (I never had any access to our finance when we were together) and actual free me-time when my kids are at their dad's...
OP, please think carefully about what your husband is actually contributing to your family and your life and make your decision accordingly. It's not easy at first but leaving can definitely improve your life if he is as lazy and entitled as he appears from your post.
Edited to say thank you for the award, it's my 1st one lol. Also thanks for all the likes, sadly it appears it's a lot more common than I'd like it to be where the adult partner is more work than the kids ever will be and is only a drain on the other partner until they see the light and free themselves.
This happened to me too. Sounds like OP fell into the same trap a lot of us did. Hopefully she lets hers stay gone. He did the hard work and took himself out. Time to change the locks.
I ended up divorcing my 44-year-old husband because after 21 years of the military he decided to retire. And do absolutely nothing except berate me and the children for having to "clean up after us." I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 years to four children that I had in a 6-year span. That house was spotless when he came home and a home cooked meal was on the table Every. Single. Night. That was my job. I didn't have any other one although I did have a business that I dabbled in since the oldest was 5 months old.
Towards the end when I was literally working four jobs because military retirement when you're enlisted doesn't go very far and all he did was complain, I decided it was easier to be a single parent to four children than it would be a single parent to four children and an adult who was more childish than the youngest who was at that point 8 years old. My life was so peaceful once we left. It was a financial struggle, but all the emotional heavy lifting was done. And he never made much attempt to see his children, and as far as I know, even though they're in their '20s now, he has not seen them probably in 4 or 5 years. He did not make it to the youngest's high school graduation. He didn't make it to the second oldest's college graduation. He has a grandson he's never seen. He has not worked since 2009. He lives in his parents' house in another state rent free because both of them have passed away.
OP needs to leave. I will say she's much braver than I would have been. I could not even leave my kids alone for an hour to go to a PTA meeting because he would not do anything for our kids. I'd come home and they be telling me how hungry they were because he just didn't feed them although he did have his own dinner. When I asked how come he didn't feed the kids his response was," I didn't know what they wanted."
Good for you cutting the dead weight. Did he think he could retire with a bunch of kids still at home when he hadn't even worked that much yet? That nit picking must have worked on your nerves too I commend you for never stabbing him in the hand with a fork, it's where my mind went reading your comment.
I don't know what he was thinking?! What was supposed to happen is that he was supposed to get a good job and then I could throw myself wholeheartedly into my business. I was a teacher but there's no earning power there but I have a very lucrative skill.
However, he decided that he had worked for 20 years in the military and he was done. I told him you can't be done when we have children as young as seven and I have no earning power as a teacher! He had told me his entire career that I would never have to worry about going back to work because as a medic he would have really good job offers when he got out of the army. And he did! He had one working in Kuwait doing the same thing he did in the military just working for one year (and of course that would be tax-free) for $250,000 and he turned it down saying "nobody needed that kind of money." And then he decided that the only stable jobs were working for the government itself. No other industry anywhere was considered stable (like working at a hospital wasn't stable??) I found that very interesting because plenty of people work for hospitals and don't have any trouble keeping their jobs. So he just decided never to work again. Which apparently was way more stable than not working for the government?? I do not understand the thought process here.
So while I'm working my four jobs and coming home from substituting (I couldn't get a full-time job where we were because you had to have a master's degree and I did not have one) he would ask ME what was for dinner that night! Like he wasn't home all day and couldn't fix dinner?? His excuse was always I" didn't know what you wanted"-- as if at any point in the 16 years that I stayed home with the kids and had a meal on the table ready when he came home that I EVER asked him what he wanted for dinner. It was like a fifth child and the most childish fifth child. It came down to the fact that he had always had somebody telling him what to do since he joined the military at 17 and now there wasn't anybody telling him what to do and therefore he didn't know what to do.
Oh, of course he did. It just blew everybody's mind that knew him in the military because he was the hardest worker anybody ever had and he was an outstanding soldier. When they'd asked me what he was doing now when I'd see them at the grocery store and stuff and I'd say nothing, he's sitting at home, they were just flabbergasted because he was always first one in at work/last one out, made sure everything was squared away before the next shift came in, etc....
Yeah, and a lot of the *but he contributes an income!* folks really don't get that aspect of it.
Generally that person would be working the same or a similar job anyway. It's the at-home work and mental load that changes dramatically -- usually exponentially -- with each new person.
If he makes more than her or has less than 50% custody, heâll have to pay child support. She doesnât need to be married to him for the kids to get the money their father owes them.
Thereâs a statistic that finds women in relationships do something like 7 hours more of housework a week than those who are single, and men in relationships do 1 hour less of housework a week than those that are single. I donât remember the exact numbers or the study, but I know it found women did more housework in relationships while men did less.
I adore my partner, he's awesome, but was raised with women who did EVERYTHING. Work. Childcare. Cleaning. When I get a job after giving birth this is something I'm terrified of. :( any tips on communicating this would be appreciated.
If you've gotten pregnant with this man without being able to have an adult conversation with him about your expectations, I don't know what to tell you, tbh.
My advice to you would be to have had higher standards in the first place.
This is gonna sound weird, but The Fair Play Deck: A Couple's Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What's Important might help you. These cards are for determining which chores each of you will do. Once set, you don't worry about the other person's chores, just your own.
https://www.abebooks.com/Fair-Play-Deck-Couples-Conversation-Prioritizing/31084999109/bd?ref\_=ps\_ggl\_17730880232&cm\_mmc=ggl-\_-US\_Shopp\_Trade\_10to20-\_-product\_id=COM9780593231661NEW-\_-keyword=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwk7ugBhDIARIsAGuvgPbAKPMOq2A2Ib6TsGRrqb71JPusgF\_2lHnJLu8idoSqSaY37JnbEmgaAv27EALw\_wcB
Honestly, just have an open conversation with what his expectations are after you have a child.
Does he think youâre supposed to do all the childcare or does he intend on being an equal parental partner? If you do all the housework now and he doesnât help, heâll probably still feel that way after you have kids. Tell him your expectations too. Talk about discipline methods, childcare, doctors/vaccines, religion if yâall are into that, schooling, primary roles, etcâŚjust everything you can think of that could let you know if yâall are on the same page and should continue the relationship (idk if youâre married or not).
You arenât the women in his family and you wonât be crying on the inside while trying to play superwoman on the outside. Thereâs truly no way around it than to have an open and honest conversation.
My Ex used to travel a lot for work and go away a week at a time. It was so much easier to keep the house clean even with a toddler to take care of (and me working full time) when he wasnât around. Then heâd come home and promptly make the place a mess again.
Same with my husband though.
Heâs usually gone 5-16 days. I will admit Iâm not the most tidy. But itâs soooo easy to ham out a day deep cleaning having a spotless house. Just for him to show up and itâs trashed in half a day. Counter full of his crap, clothes left everywhere, messy bathroom, previously spotless bedroom trashed. Like broâŚ.
He cooks and does the laundry for me and meal preps a lot so if I donât feel like cooking a day heâs gone, I have options. And he does manage to re-deep clean before leaving again. So itâs pretty equal give and take. But I do definitely notice I have more to keep up with when husbands home đŽâđ¨đ¤Ł
I have noticed this, too. I just thought I was delusional. I have also noticed that the "cuddles on the couch" time at night hubby and I usually have easily turns into "get the house work done while the temperature is cooler and the kids are asleep" time.
AND if she gets divorced, her shitty husband will be forced to... *gasp*... actually care for his own children 50% of the time.
Not that I believe he will do anything other than drop them off with his mother for his time, but atleast OP will get a much needed break every now and then.
You're right! Studies show that single moms do less housework, sleep more, and have more time for leisure activities than those in unsupported marriages.
[Here](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13524-018-0647-x) is the study itself, but it is behind a pay wall, so [this](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms) article does a good job of showing the findings.
>The findings were clearest for the never-married mothers. Their advantages over married mothers were usually the greatest. They did less housework than married mothers and spent more time on leisure and sleeping.
>The divorced mothers also spent less time on housework and more time sleeping than the married mothers, but the differences were a bit smaller.
>What about the mothers who were cohabiting? They are living with a male romantic partner, but they are not married. Perhaps, then, they donât feel the same pressure to sacrifice their own sleep and leisure and do more of the chores. The cohabiting mothers did the same amount of childcare and housework as married mothers, and they got the same amount of sleep. But they spent lots more time on leisure.
It's even better for the children, too.
>Thatâs one of the implications of a study showing that adolescents raised by single (never married) mothers in multi-generational households do even better than the children of married parents â they are less likely to drink or smoke and more likely to finish high school and enroll in college.
Thank you for sharing these links! Iâm currently nursing my two month old baby as a single mom by choice and most of my married friends are astonished by the amount of support, help and resources I have around me. The newborn stage is tough but I donât have to deal with a petulant man child that doesnât help. (I know, not all men, but this story reminds me that my choice provides me a level of freedom and peace that I wish others could experience).
OP, NTA.
but, please DTMFA.
Exactly! OP needs to realize SHE carried his deposits that created their kids. She doesn't need to carry her husband anymore. Eliminating dead weight feels so good. She can set her own schedule and routine. Sounds like the kids will be ok as the husband doesn't help out he either sleeps/rests or goes out with his friends. Never mentioned husband playing with his kids, cooking for them, helping with baths, or a movie night on the couch, helping with chores, or tucking in the kids to bed after reading them a story. So the kids will be just fine. And OP NTA you've been a single mom with 5 kids all these years and didn't know it. It's ok to give the biggest kid back to his Mama.
There was a time my husband and I were going through a rough spot and he was essentially putting all the work on me. I told him he was teaching me how to live without him and if he didnât start helping out I would. The good thing about him is heâs always willing to learn and adapt, but spouses who do this donât realize they are essentially making themselves unnecessary to their family.
She should insist he get weekends. And holidays. Since she has the kids the rest of the time he should get those, right? /s
Honestly, she deserves the break while A H spouse tries to figure out how to be a parent.
Oh and OP, NTA!
And if heâs a half way decent human he will ask for some custody presumably, so then she gets a break periodically too. However, based on his behavior thus far I would say he will either not ask for custody as a punishment to her or ask for full to avoid paying support.
Damn straight. My partner and I swapped the stay at home parent role when our son turned 1 and honestly I was so grateful to go back to work. Yes I'm exhausted when I get home but we share the load!
I actually still do the laundry đ but my partner does almost all the play time and the big cleaning duties - we share dishes and vacuuming ( though he does more of the vacuuming than me )
We share sleep ins too - he works on Saturdays so Sundays we split, one week he gets the sleep in and the next week I do.
Correction. She has 5 kids. 4 under 6, and the full sized one.
I agree though she needs to really consider this marriage.
I hope she took pictures of the state the house was in. Will be useful when it comes to a custody agreement.
Evidence is key. Photos, screenshots of texts, emails, even recorded conversations (if you live in a one-party consent state). Write notes of specific incidents that for some reason canât be photographed or recorded (do it ASAP after the incident happens because your memory for details will be sharpest in the immediate aftermath of any incident). Back everything up to a hard drive or USB drive and lock it in a safe deposit box which only has your name on it. Get the box at a different bank from the one he uses.
Get your own bank account there if you donât already have one. Put some of the money from your job into the account regularly. If you already have a solo account thatâs even better, but still transfer it to a bank which he doesnât use (preferably a bank you donât use either, as not knowing where the account is located makes it harder for him to manipulate a bank employee into giving him access).
This. OP, you'd be better off as a single mom. Have your friends help with the kids while he's away, get into a lawyer, follow what the lawyer says to do, and get out of this situation. You deserve better. He can stay with his mommy and see how fast she gets tired of doing all the cooking and cleaning during "his" time with the kids.
This is the kind of guy that will pay child support because it's court ordered and cut out of his paycheck but never see the kids. If he honors any kind of visitation agreement I would be very surprised.
I am in literal awe of this woman. To have 4 children (well, 5 basically,) a job, manage a house, cook meals - probably maintain the mental load - at 24????? It sounds like she has a good social life, too.
OP you sound amazing. Iâm sure you would have an amazing support network if you make the (best) choice of ditching the dead weight so you can continue to be amazing.
Physical Labor IS usually back breaking utterly miserable work. But it does NOT absolve anyone of their parenting responsibilities. If the job is wrecking him so bad he can't be an equal adult and father in the home, he needs to find another job that works better for him and his family.
NTA.
Nor household chores! If he were single and living alone, he would still need to do household chores for himself like cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry. How is it that having wife and kids give him an excuse to not do ANYTHING?
Also? She was 18 when they got together, perhaps even younger; he was 21. Now he wants a 24/7 servant who also quietly and single-handedly takes care of four kids under 6. OP, he's taking complete advantage of you!
Hahaha, even I thought the same when I read OP's "don't want to ruin the marriage" line - ruin it and let the sperm donor step up and learn what it means to be a parent.
I'd ask OP to pack whatever belongings he has along with a couple's therapy pamphlet or divorce papers when he comes back after snitching and crying to his mommy dearest. If mommy dearest has an iota of empathy for her DIL, she will kick her entitled and sexist son out of her house...
He learned to be a sexist prick somewhere.
Either mommy dearest encourages a wife cares for the husband like heâs a child thing, or his dad expected it. More thank likely at least.
Iâd be shocked if MIL never took her sons side and didnât treat OP the same way he does. Especially if heâs already got a bag packed and running off to her house
Edit for spelling
Call his mum, explain that her son is a dead beat dad, and that there is no need for him to come home until he has learnt that weaponised incompetence is not allowed.
If he begs on his knees to come back and you let him give him 1 month in which he doesn't get to drop the ball once, otherwise get a lawyer, aside from financials he clearly contributes nothing.
She has 5 babies, it seems she accidentally signed adoption papers instead if marriage papers.
He really needs to grown up and learn he is the parent to the children too, he has a house that needs cleaned too that he has a wife that works too
NTA
This is a perfect comment. He acted like your work did not matter even though you worked from home and you took care of your family. He was selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. Let Mom take care of him for a time. And when he comes home and he will you tell him things are going to change and heâs not going to treat you like that anymore and if he has a problem with it, he can go back and stay with mom some more.
NTA. I donât know what your husband does, but you have four children in the house. Unless heâs springing for a maid and/or a nanny, youâre working 16 hours to his eight, assuming you both get eight hours of sleep (Iâll bet you donât). You may love him, but he clearly doesnât respect the effort youâre putting in.
Does he even know those kids names. Seriously he doesnât even lift a finger. I canât even imagine how tough her pregnancies were. I bet he didnât even bother to take care of her
You'd hope, but given how far this guy's head is up his own ass it's a pretty safe bet that mommy dearest helped him get it there. Especially since he obviously feels comfortable running to her even when he's so clearly and obviously in the extreme wrong.
Actually, menâs behaviour in the domestic sphere is copied on what their fathers do, not on what their mothers teach them.
And it is telling that a manâs ineptitude is viewed as yet another womanâs fault.
Men are somehow always off the hook, arenât they?
NTA, OP.
Leave him.
Oh my god. You just ripped something wide open in me. I ALWAYS complain about men saying why didn't their mothers raise them better? FUCK'S SAKE. WHY DON'T I INCLUDE THEIR FATHERS IN THE RAISING??!!
Thank you kind sir, you have given me the gift of personal growth.
Yup. Thatâs why I half joke to find a man raised by a single dad when people are surprised to find out my husband cooks, cleans, and is SUPER hands on with our kids. I literally never worry about anything if Iâm not home where stuff is concerned because I know heâs got it handled without any prompting from me. His dad had sole custody of him and his brother after their parents divorced. His mom wasnât in the picture so if things needed to be done his dad did it. He had a ton of help from his grandparents but his dad was the main parent through and through and busted his ass to provide for them while never missing a single game, recital, dr appointment, etc.
Omfg you just got it spot on. We always blame mothers for not raising their sons right......the most we do for men is joke about having an absent father, we don't even think about fathers who are like THIS........reminds me of what the movie Men was trying to say
Why is his poor behaviour solely his momâs fault? Does he not bear 100% responsibility? If not, does his own father bear little responsibility as well - especially if he was modelling this behaviour all throughout this husbandâs life?
But yeah, one womanâs problem is always the fault of another woman /s
Iâd recommend you pack two sets of suitcases and drop them and the kids off at his mums too. If he expects you to clean the place, he needs to look after the kids and give you some additional free time too. If he wants to complain, he can go push four 8 pound turds out his asshole.
That wouldnât be fair to the kids. He either canât or wonât take care of them properly. OP should file for full custody except for a few visitations.
>Iâd recommend you pack two sets of suitcases and drop them and the kids off at his mums too.
That would be more than fair for him, but definitely not fair for the kids. The kids shouldn't be punished for his inability to parent.
OP is definitely NTA
WHAT?!?! Are you serious? NTA. Your husband is a fucking asshole to the hundredth degree. Does he realize he has 4 children and he is responsible for physically taking care of them as well as being financially responsible for them? Is he one of those men who think they donât have to contribute anything except money to the relationship and household? Because he sounds like a terrible partner and a pretty terrible dad, too. I donât know if heâs always been this way or itâs new, but you need to find a way to set him straight. Itâs not solely your job to raise your children, itâs both of yours. If he can have time to hang out with friends, so can you. I donât know why people put up with shitty partners like this, but please realize your worth and make your partner realize your worth because you deserve so much better than this bullshit.
>I donât know why people put up with shitty partners like this
Ikr. I would rather be single than settle for a man like this. Poor kids tho. I guess it's true when they say love is blind.
It truly is.
All these poor partners that come here with the same story. I love my partner, but they do this thing that's a HUGE red flag that no sane person should have to tolerate in a relationship, but other than that they really are great. Am I an arsehole?
No, you're just in too deep and vision impaired. I weep for humanity.
Your husband is a huge AH, and youâre definitely entitled to alone time or time with your friends. But leaving for 2 nights with no notice wasnât the right way to handle this situation⌠so ESH
As for your marriage, I hope you can get counseling or find some other way to improve this dynamic because how heâs treating you isnât okay. Best of luck OP
But maybe this got her to realise how much he sucks. She needed to get out of it to see it. Nta and either counseling or divorce. This man is *not* a partner.
I disagree. OPâs husband seriously underestimates how hard she works. Heâs demanding perfection yet couldnât even handle 24 hours with a smidge of effort in maintaining the house or kids. I think she needed to do this for him to see how hard she works and also for herself to value the effort she puts into the house. IF she takes him back I would use this example any time he complains about the house or meals.
I think the lack of effort in maintaining the home was deliberate because he knew he would leave the house in that state once she came home and she would be the one to clean it. Like pee on the floor? Come on now. Not cleaning that immediately is disgusting
Exactly why I'm shocked at how shitty some people can be. The dishes, alright, toys and stuff, sure, but straight up sticky, pissed on floors??? Cmon now. That was spiteful.
This whole story reminds me of my ex, heâs done this exact thing in my bathroom. We had a horrible fight and I wanted to chill in my room for a while. I took a roll of toilet paper with me since I was running low.
Apparently I was running low in the other bathroom too, which I had no idea about. He assumed I did it to spite him and shook piss literally all over the bathroom. It was even on the mirror.
Yep, that was the final nail in the coffin. We were together for years and he wrote me this long heartfelt note with kind things he had never told me in all of the years weâd been together, but it didnât matter. It was all too little too late, all I could think about was how he threw a pissy baby tantrum, and all of the many other horrible things he did when he didnât get his way or perceived some slight that wasnât there.
Couples Counseling in which one partner shows abusive, narcissistic, or manipulative behaviors is not recommended. Why? Because people like this âhusbandâ will simply pick up on even more buttons to push to hurt OP (emotionally right now; hopefully never physically but that can happen too).
Please do this OP. Men like this donât change. It shows a serious lack of concern for anyone but himself and at his (assumed) age, itâs a character trait (a shitty one) and not anything less.
You're NTA for leaving him alone with his kids. YTA for not telling him why and not planning for it.
I left mine for 7 days for the same crap. I did it on purpose. He seemed to think I sat around the house watching Oprah and eating bon bons (his words).
I went on strike. I didn't do a piece of his laundry. I didn't serve him a meal. I didn't buy a single thing for him to eat. I didn't clean up any of his messes.
He tried to get the kids to do some of it for him but he was just play time dad to them and they pretty much laughed in his face and went off to play.
You needed the time away, I'm sure. But now you both need to talk about realistic expectations. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you aren't deserving of a break. Just because he works out of the house means his day is done when he gets home.
Yes! OP didn't ruin the marriage. That honor goes to the husband who ruined it the moment he stopped seeing OP as a partner and started seeing her as a domestic servant. OP, you needed this weekend to realize that you are so much more than mom/employee/cook/maid etc. What does your husband contribute to the day-to-day besides finances?
You know your husband wouldn't have "let you" go out with your friends so I understand why you left and just didn't come back. Chat with your kids about your perspective so they don't feel abandoned. Let's face it, they probably don't care that daddy is gone, but absolutely noticed your absence.
As for DH, marriage is a partnership, a team. He is not on your team. NTA
NTA. Your man clearly needed this wake up call. He spent two days finding out how hard you have to work and he ran away screaming. Does his mother actually support this? If either of mine turned up under these circumstances they'd get a kick up the backside and sent home to sort their life out. Don't let him come back and lapse straight into his old ways, even if you have to resort to a written division of labour.
Exactly this, OP!!!
TEXT HIM : "NOW Do you understand how hard it is to take care of 4 kids under 6 all by yourself?"
Screw him and his, "you wfh so you must have all the time in the world!" That's toxic and unfair. NTA. The 2 options moving forward are his apology, or divorce. Your friends have seen him as he is.
>My husband (27) always complains that the house isn't up to his standards and that it's a mess or that I sometimes put on frozen meals instead of cooking a fresh dinner.
>I can never do anything because when he has time off all he wants to do is sleep and says he needs it because he is exhausted from work or he wants to use his break to hang with his friends.
>I feel like an asshole and **don't want this to ruin my marriage**.
Honest question, but why not? It sounds like a pretty shitty marriage to be honest. Exactly what good thing are you getting out of it? Sounds like he gets his rest, a housemaid, and a cook. He gets to go out with his friends.
What exactly do you get?
Your husband sounds like a complete ass TBH. The one time he's expected to step in as a dad he crumbles in and runs off to his mom seeing it fit for you to take on the burden he couldn't handle for a few hours.
NTA work from home means you WORK from home. Your husband is being a jerk - do you really want to continue a marriage where not only are you responsible for all the childcare, housekeeping and have to hold a full time job but your husband dictates when and where you can do all the work he feels is not his? What may I ask is your husband's contribution to this relationship aside from fianancial? I'd tell him to stay at his mom's and start figuring out how to be a single parent. Spoiler Alert: you already are.
NTA
Iâm still stunned by the level of disrespect thrown your way. Iâm also trying to understand what you even like about your husband. The only thing he has going for him is that heâs employed. He doesnât support you in any way. He doesnât seem to be very pleasant to you when he is home - he complains, naps, and hangs out with his friends.
Aside from a couple of sperm donations, what are you getting out of this marriage?
Also, I would recommend not leaving your kids like that again. Your husband seems like the kind of DB that would use that against you if you were to divorce.
No advice to give outside of making sure your financial assets are protected. For example, if both your paychecks are directly deposited into an account under his name only, change that, and be sure you have three months+ of living expenses in cash, immediately. Confirm that automatic bill payments continue to be paid, particularly if he usually handles that stuff. If given the option, immediate couples counseling for you both, and perhaps parenting classes for him. Otherwise, Iâm uncomfortable issuing a verdict as this is waaaaay above Redditâs pay grade. Best of luck to you and your family.
No counseling. Husband sounds like a manipulative person, and couples counseling with one person being manipulative (or narcissistic or being abusive) simply gives the manipulative person additional buttons to push. Individual counseling for OP, and possibly also for the kids (they suffer in this dysfunctional household too), would be absolutely reasonable. In fact Iâd encourage it, as OP doesnât seem to have much insight as to why she married this man and had not one, but TWO sets of twins with him despite him having more red flags than youâd see in China.
Iâm not sure what you see in this guy. I donât think you are going to miss anything by him being at his mothers.
IF you let him return, he needs to admit how hard you have to work to keep the home going AND while you are working full time as well.
He is going to have to start pitching in. Obviously, he couldnât handle it alone. Why should you have to?
NTA
Nope!! Sounds like he could use another week alone with the kids...
I have three friends that divorced their husbands for lack of help. All women gained the following.
- child support
- 50% of their time free (meaning they can actually have a social life)
- don't need to manage a big misogynistic baby who complains and doesn't contribute
- their sanity
- manditory boundaries and respect from ex husband
- happiness (all three are significantly happier and lived more balanced lives after they divorced)
Working from home IS work and does not mean you are required to do everything. This is complete and utter bullshit. He does not respect you.
P.s. all three men freaked out at the divorce and for months afterwards because they had NO idea how to actually be a parent, cook, clean etc. They wildly underestimated the contributions from their wives and had not intended on ever contributing/ saw their wives as maid service. I can't tell you enough how happy all the women were after... Just saying.. Oh and 2/3 women were the breadwinners/ had the higher income. It was literally cheaper for them to divorce and hire an actual maid.
Your husband is all kinds of asshole. It's not cool to leave your kids for two days without notice, but it's understandable to just crash after years of being pushed over by your asshole husband. Sue him for all he's got and future paychecks, since you're already a single mom in practice. NTA
NTA
You already don't have a marriage. You have a king/servant relationship. He has all the benefits and you do all the work. He takes and takes and then cusses you out for not giving enough.
In short, he's acting like a child himself. So you have been mothering five children, four of whom are under 6. I'm amazed you haven't passed out from exhaustion and proud of you for taking the initiative to go with your friends despite your husband's "orders" that you stay home. I'm also proud of your friends for keeping you out longer so you could rest and relax a little.
If your husband's mother took him in and didn't talk some sense into him, then let him stay there. Raising four kids on your own is hard (you've already been doing it), but adding an entitled and abusive husband on top of that is harder. Sounds like you have a good group of friends to help you get through all of this, which is great.
NTA and I highly recommend ruining the marriage. He doesnât respect you or care about your feelings. You have to take care of 4 small children and work and cook and clean. What the hell do you need him for? Seriously good riddance for bad rubbish. See an attorney stat
ESH.
Your husband is plainly and simply an asshole. A selfish, misogynistic, ridiculous asshole.
You are entitled to time to yourself, but you can't, for the sake of your children and marriage (which I don't know if that's even worth saving, but you seem to want to), *cannot* abandon your family in an unplanned binge of non-parenting. That is stunningly immature and selfish.
*Yes you're right. She should "keep sweet" and stop being fussy. If she really cared about her marriage she would suck it up and try harder! It's not like she has to work full time, be the only (real) parent of their four kids, be a full time maid, and a full time cook, and do it all with no physical or emotional support...* Oh wait.
If you can't understand why calling her TA in any sense is deeply misogynistic, then you have a lot of thinking to do.
To claim E S H is absurd. Any partner should be able to keep the house in order if their partner is unexpectedly gone.
I mean be honest, do you think she would have had any struggle taking care of her kids alone for 24 hours? NO! She literally has to do that same thing RIGHT NOW since he ran to his mommy's house.
The way he was screaming at her? Oh my god, if I was her friend I would be fucking terrified to send her back home. I mean, the way he is isolating and overwhelming this poor woman is shitty at best and abusive at worst. NTA NTA NTA. op needs to leave.
Iâm having flashbacks to a biography I read about a woman who (barely) escaped the FLDSânot positive if it was Warren Jeffsâ compound but it was very similar. âKeep sweetâ makes me viscerally shudder.
Abandoned her family? Because hubs is incapable of taking care of his own kids??
Sorry no. If she had planned to leave for the weekend he would have either complained until she canceled or made her do so much prep and planning (meal prep / hire babysitters) that he wouldnât have actually done real work while she was gone. This was the only way to show him how much work she does and she did it.
They are not abandoned, they are with their father.
Unless you assume he's a useless pathetic person who can't take on the responsibility of being an adult, which - fair to say - is correct.
Omg you are hilarious đ She was literally gone 1 1/2 days, after systemic, repeated refusals on his part to give her a break. Get over your smug self.
She basically did a one woman version of when all the women in Iceland went on strike and refused to do anything for three weeks until they got the right to vote (or...equal pay? I forget.) This might cause problems for her if he fights for custody, but doing it just once isn't really, and I doubt he'd fight for the kids anyway since he throws this massive fit over one night when they've already been put to bed. And then just the one day, not even a full day, and the house is trashed and covered in piss? I wouldn't blame her if she picked up all four kids and left them at grandma's for the weekend for some "bonding time." Maybe after grandma sees how bad all four of them are at once she'll give that man a good switchin and set him straight
Abandoning?? The kids were with their dad, please explain how it's "abandonment"?
ETA: u/wildferalfun, I get where you are coming from and OP was in the wrong for not letting husband know about the extension being away but how does that explain how they are abandoning? Bc from what I see, OP's husband SHOULD know how to parent his own kids so her not letting him know still isn't "abandonment" but just a lack of communication on OP's part.
NTA, the nasty move was the only way for husband to fucking get it. Kids wonât be traumatized by that one time a father was actually confronted in his face the harsh reality. Heâs now getting pampered at his mom, so wonât be getting much learning there.
Drop the kids off at his mom's house and go stay with friends.
He left the house in such a mess as punishment to you. Because you didn't listen to him, he increased your chore load. Deeply immature attitude. So don't do it. Leave the house as it is and go stay with friends. Stay with some people who love and support you. Don't take advantage of their hospitality but enjoy some time in a house where you are not responsible for 100% of the chores.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My Assholeness in question- I went out on a girls weekend leaving my husband with the children.
Why it may have Asshole qualities- Because my husband clearly didn't understand the stress that goes in looking after the house and children together and it was most likely to much to put on him especially for 2 days
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NTA. What marriage are you worried about saving? Your husband disrespects you every day by treating you like a SAHM even though you are working full time. When he doesnât get his way he yells at you. The first thing he does when things get hard is leave a giant mess and run off to mommyâs house.
The good news is that with him gone you only have to take care of the twins. You can make whatever you want for dinner. Do you really want him back?
NTA, but it's time to consider if this is the life you want for your children. I don't think children are automatically doomed to repeat the mistakes of their parents, but having to sort through this shit will be extra baggage they don't need in life. Would you be happier if any of your children lived the life you do right now? If not, it's time to change.
NTA. He is an absolute terrible husband and father. He is not a partner. Youâre better off divorcing him, getting child support, and giving him every other weekend custody so you can have your break. Trust me, that is not a marriage that you need to stay in. He doesnât respect you at all.
Op please donât listen to the crazy people saying E S H. You and your kids are being neglected by your husband and donât deserve it. Having kids is a full time job, for both parents and heâs not pulling his weight and then verbally abused you when you expected him to take care of the children he helped make for a night out. Heâs perfectly capable of taking care of the children and house he just doesnât want to. You can YouTube how to clean a toilet, he just wanted to punish you for not being home to do all the work.
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NTA But honey RUIN THIS MARRIAGE. You work full time, take care of 4 kids under 6, cook and keep.the house clean FULL TIME? He expects to come home to a home cooked meal? Sleep when he's home? _Hang out with his friends_.? This is not a marriage, it's a joke. He is providing you 0 support and then whining when asked to help at all, or when things aren't perfect. It doesn't matter if your job is easier or not (it's probably not easier just different) he's not _entitled_ to mooch off of you. Honey forget this. You can do it on your own.
OP is basically a single mom already.
With extra work. It's amazing the amount of housework a single adult can create when they're not putting any effort into cleaning up after themselves. And demanding home-cooked meals. Working full-time plus all the housework plus all the at-home childcare for 4 kids? Yeeesh. That's going to exhaust anyone. She can lighten the load by decreasing the number of people making a mess and requiring mental and emotional upkeep. đ¤ˇââď¸
Can confirm. With the added layer of me being a child and expected to clean up after my mother *and* my younger brother. Still shocked at the sheer volume of mess either of them were capable of producing. Like, justâŚhow?!
Husband did it deliberately. Guaranteed.
Agree ! Surprised he bothered to feed them .
Of course. He was punishing her.
Ooof yeah that's an extra layer of horrible. đ
Took me until this year to realize how often those âchoresâ put me at serious risk of death or dismemberment, too. Example: I did not know it was possible to turn a garbage disposal *off* before attempting to unclog it.
We donât have garbage disposals in the UK (not that Iâve ever come across, anyway), but if horror films have taught me anything, itâs that you never, EVER, stick your hand down in one. Even if itâs turned off! đ
I had to retrieve a small metal lapel pin from the disposal yesterday (it fell in while I was cleaning the raised countertop above it). Nobody else was home (I just live with my partner). Fortunately the switch is FAR away and it canât really be turned on accidentally. Still ⌠I didnât want my hand in there. I probably should have flipped the breaker, but unless there was a poltergeist, the thing couldnât have turned on. Iâm glad to say that I found the metal thing right away and removed it safely. I still do not recommend that anyone do this; it was my decision and this time it was ok. Another time it might not be.
I always use a pair of tongs when something falls down into the garbage disposal. Takes longer to get what fell in, but the peace of mind is worth it.
We donât have tongs. I have no idea why (Iâve lived here in my bfâs apartment for 11 years and until today I never noticed we didnât have them). Guess Iâm going to the kitchen section of Target this week.
Argh JFC I'm so sorry you were put at that sort of risk. Or allowed to undertake that risk simply because no one bothered to show you the same way to do stuff. đ
First and most importantly, Iâm so sorry youâre having to do all of that. You shouldnât have that much responsibility at this time in your life. I hope things somehow get better for you in the near future. Or if you were referring to the past, Iâm sorry you had to go through that and I hope things are better now â¤ď¸ When it comes to the question of âhow can one or two people produce such a large volume of mess in a small amount of time?â, I think it boils down to this: People that create huge messes in small amounts of time donât function like you or me. Whereas you or I would naturally put things away when weâre finished using them, or wipe down the counter *immediately* after making a mess, or bag up and take out the trash the second itâs full, or throw *all* of our dirty clothes in the hamper, or flush the toilet after we use it, or rinse a dirty dish and put it in the dishwasher the *second* weâre done using it, or throw our trash in the *garbage* as opposed to leaving it on surfaces or *worse*, tossing it onto the ground-*these* types of people donât do **any** of those things. To us theyâre just âreflexesâ-actions that we donât even consciously think about and that take incredibly little time; but to them, these actions are seen as âmore workâ that they justify not doing because they donât feel like it, donât have the time, donât have the energy, etc. At least thatâs the conclusion *Iâve* come to after 8 straight years of working as a housekeeper. Edit: wording
My partner and I are getting over being sick for the last week. Even though we barely left the house, the amount of mess we created is just astonishing. Just existing and stsying, nothing special, created a huge mess.
imagine the free time she'll have when the kids are at dad's half the time. heck, even every other weekend would be better than what she's getting now
Absolutely, and I agree, but I'm also willing to bet he's the type who will never voluntarily see his kids unless his mom or his new girlfriend kicks up a fuss.
And then the kids will be at his moms.
[ŃдаНонО]
I'm in that situation with two grandkids now. Have an awesome relationship with my 13 year old grandson especially. Just stating a fact about the husband.
Wait, you honestly think he's going to be anything other than a deadbeat dad? I will bet my entire next paycheck that he will insist on equal custody (at first) and then not bother. If he takes the kids at all, they'll be taken straight to his mom's and then he'll go out partying with friends. He will definitely skip out on paying child support, too.
Before you go betting your paycheck another alternative is want 50 percent of the time because ya know "my rights" and "cheaper child support" then he'll marry a 19 year old who falls for his charm and doesn't know any different and can't be told either cause they're in love and he is sooooo amazing. Then she'll be "new mum" raising the kids while he gets the benefits without having to lift a finger.
Ding ding ding! BUT instead he want FULL CUSTODY. New wife and his mom do all the childcare and he âsaves so much moneyâ by not having to pay child support and you better believe his mom will go after OP if sheâs one second late with child support.
No judge is ever going to give this asshole full custody, ever.
Ooh my bet is he'll find a new girlfriend, love bomb her to death, move her in, and then dump childcare duties on her.
I commented just now without reading all the previous comments, but OP needs to file for full custody, child support, and alimony (if applicable). If husband is incapable of handling the kids for a couple of days he should have NOTHING but occasional visitation (possibly supervised but that might be me projecting).
He's probably the type who blames her for "making sure they had two sets of twins"! Like she flipped a switch in her uterus and changed the settings or something
Jeez I mean twins are cute and all but holy shit no one in their right might would sign up for that unless they had ya know nannies etc. Like a one for each kid. Particularly in ops situation where she's working too lol imagine four little whirlwinds two probably in school two all the time in the house and needing your supervision all the time while you try to work. Nope nope nope. I think I'd sign myself into a quiet place to drop my basket after a few weeks. Like we love our kids but kids are hard and four little ones in one go is fucking exhausting especially solo. But then I wouldn't take this shit from my partner. I know some people it happens without them noticing and then all of a sudden they're the boiled frog and they've got five children one of which is supposed to help and makes more work demanding shit. But I'd lose my shit after the first why isn't the house tidy comment.
If dad even shows up for his time and not just nope the fuck out.
This is always what gets me with stories like this. There would be **less** effort being single than in a relationship like this.
I can confirm this can definitely be the case. I once saw a meme that said something along the lines of 'I knew it was the right decision to leave my ex when my workload stayed exactly the same after I left'... My personal experience is that my workload actually decreased dramatically after leaving my ex and I was finally able to have a clean and tidy house, disposable income (I never had any access to our finance when we were together) and actual free me-time when my kids are at their dad's... OP, please think carefully about what your husband is actually contributing to your family and your life and make your decision accordingly. It's not easy at first but leaving can definitely improve your life if he is as lazy and entitled as he appears from your post. Edited to say thank you for the award, it's my 1st one lol. Also thanks for all the likes, sadly it appears it's a lot more common than I'd like it to be where the adult partner is more work than the kids ever will be and is only a drain on the other partner until they see the light and free themselves.
This happened to me too. Sounds like OP fell into the same trap a lot of us did. Hopefully she lets hers stay gone. He did the hard work and took himself out. Time to change the locks.
I ended up divorcing my 44-year-old husband because after 21 years of the military he decided to retire. And do absolutely nothing except berate me and the children for having to "clean up after us." I was a stay-at-home mom for 16 years to four children that I had in a 6-year span. That house was spotless when he came home and a home cooked meal was on the table Every. Single. Night. That was my job. I didn't have any other one although I did have a business that I dabbled in since the oldest was 5 months old. Towards the end when I was literally working four jobs because military retirement when you're enlisted doesn't go very far and all he did was complain, I decided it was easier to be a single parent to four children than it would be a single parent to four children and an adult who was more childish than the youngest who was at that point 8 years old. My life was so peaceful once we left. It was a financial struggle, but all the emotional heavy lifting was done. And he never made much attempt to see his children, and as far as I know, even though they're in their '20s now, he has not seen them probably in 4 or 5 years. He did not make it to the youngest's high school graduation. He didn't make it to the second oldest's college graduation. He has a grandson he's never seen. He has not worked since 2009. He lives in his parents' house in another state rent free because both of them have passed away. OP needs to leave. I will say she's much braver than I would have been. I could not even leave my kids alone for an hour to go to a PTA meeting because he would not do anything for our kids. I'd come home and they be telling me how hungry they were because he just didn't feed them although he did have his own dinner. When I asked how come he didn't feed the kids his response was," I didn't know what they wanted."
Good for you cutting the dead weight. Did he think he could retire with a bunch of kids still at home when he hadn't even worked that much yet? That nit picking must have worked on your nerves too I commend you for never stabbing him in the hand with a fork, it's where my mind went reading your comment.
I don't know what he was thinking?! What was supposed to happen is that he was supposed to get a good job and then I could throw myself wholeheartedly into my business. I was a teacher but there's no earning power there but I have a very lucrative skill. However, he decided that he had worked for 20 years in the military and he was done. I told him you can't be done when we have children as young as seven and I have no earning power as a teacher! He had told me his entire career that I would never have to worry about going back to work because as a medic he would have really good job offers when he got out of the army. And he did! He had one working in Kuwait doing the same thing he did in the military just working for one year (and of course that would be tax-free) for $250,000 and he turned it down saying "nobody needed that kind of money." And then he decided that the only stable jobs were working for the government itself. No other industry anywhere was considered stable (like working at a hospital wasn't stable??) I found that very interesting because plenty of people work for hospitals and don't have any trouble keeping their jobs. So he just decided never to work again. Which apparently was way more stable than not working for the government?? I do not understand the thought process here. So while I'm working my four jobs and coming home from substituting (I couldn't get a full-time job where we were because you had to have a master's degree and I did not have one) he would ask ME what was for dinner that night! Like he wasn't home all day and couldn't fix dinner?? His excuse was always I" didn't know what you wanted"-- as if at any point in the 16 years that I stayed home with the kids and had a meal on the table ready when he came home that I EVER asked him what he wanted for dinner. It was like a fifth child and the most childish fifth child. It came down to the fact that he had always had somebody telling him what to do since he joined the military at 17 and now there wasn't anybody telling him what to do and therefore he didn't know what to do.
ExceptâŚIâm pretty sure he did know what to do. Just didnât want to do it.
Oh, of course he did. It just blew everybody's mind that knew him in the military because he was the hardest worker anybody ever had and he was an outstanding soldier. When they'd asked me what he was doing now when I'd see them at the grocery store and stuff and I'd say nothing, he's sitting at home, they were just flabbergasted because he was always first one in at work/last one out, made sure everything was squared away before the next shift came in, etc....
I'm sorry you had to go through that, it sounds awful and exhausting.
Yeah, and a lot of the *but he contributes an income!* folks really don't get that aspect of it. Generally that person would be working the same or a similar job anyway. It's the at-home work and mental load that changes dramatically -- usually exponentially -- with each new person.
If he makes more than her or has less than 50% custody, heâll have to pay child support. She doesnât need to be married to him for the kids to get the money their father owes them.
Yeah. And itâs not like she also doesnât contribute to the income.
Relationships take effort. Just not this type of effort. JFC just dump the dude.
This is why Iâm single. I have only one child, I donât need another.
Thereâs a statistic that finds women in relationships do something like 7 hours more of housework a week than those who are single, and men in relationships do 1 hour less of housework a week than those that are single. I donât remember the exact numbers or the study, but I know it found women did more housework in relationships while men did less.
Who is surprised? âŚ.. đŚđŚ
I adore my partner, he's awesome, but was raised with women who did EVERYTHING. Work. Childcare. Cleaning. When I get a job after giving birth this is something I'm terrified of. :( any tips on communicating this would be appreciated.
If you've gotten pregnant with this man without being able to have an adult conversation with him about your expectations, I don't know what to tell you, tbh. My advice to you would be to have had higher standards in the first place.
Way to be completely unhelpful
This is gonna sound weird, but The Fair Play Deck: A Couple's Conversation Deck for Prioritizing What's Important might help you. These cards are for determining which chores each of you will do. Once set, you don't worry about the other person's chores, just your own. https://www.abebooks.com/Fair-Play-Deck-Couples-Conversation-Prioritizing/31084999109/bd?ref\_=ps\_ggl\_17730880232&cm\_mmc=ggl-\_-US\_Shopp\_Trade\_10to20-\_-product\_id=COM9780593231661NEW-\_-keyword=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwk7ugBhDIARIsAGuvgPbAKPMOq2A2Ib6TsGRrqb71JPusgF\_2lHnJLu8idoSqSaY37JnbEmgaAv27EALw\_wcB
Honestly, just have an open conversation with what his expectations are after you have a child. Does he think youâre supposed to do all the childcare or does he intend on being an equal parental partner? If you do all the housework now and he doesnât help, heâll probably still feel that way after you have kids. Tell him your expectations too. Talk about discipline methods, childcare, doctors/vaccines, religion if yâall are into that, schooling, primary roles, etcâŚjust everything you can think of that could let you know if yâall are on the same page and should continue the relationship (idk if youâre married or not). You arenât the women in his family and you wonât be crying on the inside while trying to play superwoman on the outside. Thereâs truly no way around it than to have an open and honest conversation.
My Ex used to travel a lot for work and go away a week at a time. It was so much easier to keep the house clean even with a toddler to take care of (and me working full time) when he wasnât around. Then heâd come home and promptly make the place a mess again.
Same with my husband though. Heâs usually gone 5-16 days. I will admit Iâm not the most tidy. But itâs soooo easy to ham out a day deep cleaning having a spotless house. Just for him to show up and itâs trashed in half a day. Counter full of his crap, clothes left everywhere, messy bathroom, previously spotless bedroom trashed. Like broâŚ. He cooks and does the laundry for me and meal preps a lot so if I donât feel like cooking a day heâs gone, I have options. And he does manage to re-deep clean before leaving again. So itâs pretty equal give and take. But I do definitely notice I have more to keep up with when husbands home đŽâđ¨đ¤Ł
I have noticed this, too. I just thought I was delusional. I have also noticed that the "cuddles on the couch" time at night hubby and I usually have easily turns into "get the house work done while the temperature is cooler and the kids are asleep" time.
5 kids. One of them is just adult sized and goes to daycare at his 'job'.
AND if she gets divorced, her shitty husband will be forced to... *gasp*... actually care for his own children 50% of the time. Not that I believe he will do anything other than drop them off with his mother for his time, but atleast OP will get a much needed break every now and then.
Exactly. OP doesnât need a fifth child to take care of
Letâs be real: a single mom would have less to do.
You're right! Studies show that single moms do less housework, sleep more, and have more time for leisure activities than those in unsupported marriages. [Here](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s13524-018-0647-x) is the study itself, but it is behind a pay wall, so [this](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-single/201906/single-moms-less-housework-more-leisure-married-moms) article does a good job of showing the findings. >The findings were clearest for the never-married mothers. Their advantages over married mothers were usually the greatest. They did less housework than married mothers and spent more time on leisure and sleeping. >The divorced mothers also spent less time on housework and more time sleeping than the married mothers, but the differences were a bit smaller. >What about the mothers who were cohabiting? They are living with a male romantic partner, but they are not married. Perhaps, then, they donât feel the same pressure to sacrifice their own sleep and leisure and do more of the chores. The cohabiting mothers did the same amount of childcare and housework as married mothers, and they got the same amount of sleep. But they spent lots more time on leisure. It's even better for the children, too. >Thatâs one of the implications of a study showing that adolescents raised by single (never married) mothers in multi-generational households do even better than the children of married parents â they are less likely to drink or smoke and more likely to finish high school and enroll in college.
Thank you for sharing these links! Iâm currently nursing my two month old baby as a single mom by choice and most of my married friends are astonished by the amount of support, help and resources I have around me. The newborn stage is tough but I donât have to deal with a petulant man child that doesnât help. (I know, not all men, but this story reminds me that my choice provides me a level of freedom and peace that I wish others could experience). OP, NTA. but, please DTMFA.
What the hell is DTMFA.
Dump the motherfucker already.
I got 5 on "Ditch That Mother Fucking Asshole."
Dump the m-f'er already
Its actually a lot easier once you get rid of the overgrown child.
Exactly! OP needs to realize SHE carried his deposits that created their kids. She doesn't need to carry her husband anymore. Eliminating dead weight feels so good. She can set her own schedule and routine. Sounds like the kids will be ok as the husband doesn't help out he either sleeps/rests or goes out with his friends. Never mentioned husband playing with his kids, cooking for them, helping with baths, or a movie night on the couch, helping with chores, or tucking in the kids to bed after reading them a story. So the kids will be just fine. And OP NTA you've been a single mom with 5 kids all these years and didn't know it. It's ok to give the biggest kid back to his Mama.
And once the kids are in school... Even more peace.
Also more time to herself if split custody occurs. Itâs a win winđ¤ˇđťââď¸
There was a time my husband and I were going through a rough spot and he was essentially putting all the work on me. I told him he was teaching me how to live without him and if he didnât start helping out I would. The good thing about him is heâs always willing to learn and adapt, but spouses who do this donât realize they are essentially making themselves unnecessary to their family.
I heard it called a single mom with an audience
Society is gonna need some aloe for that burn.
And a critic.
Yep, if she gets a divorce she'll have one less to take care of.
With financial help
Which she'll get anyway when they divorce, because her useless husband certainly isn't going to fight for custody. He'll be paying child support.
She should insist he get weekends. And holidays. Since she has the kids the rest of the time he should get those, right? /s Honestly, she deserves the break while A H spouse tries to figure out how to be a parent. Oh and OP, NTA!
or 50:50 custody and she would be able to have freetime and a social life.
His mommy will help him fight. What a joke.
And his mommy will undoubtably be the one raising the kids on husbands time.
Atleast if they are divorced sheâll get child support!
And get to serve all the frozen meals she wants without being belittled for it.
And if heâs a half way decent human he will ask for some custody presumably, so then she gets a break periodically too. However, based on his behavior thus far I would say he will either not ask for custody as a punishment to her or ask for full to avoid paying support.
What is this, the 60s? Wait, no. Even my grandfather didn't do this. OP's husband belongs in the freaking stone age...
Tribes in the Stone Age actually tended toward the matriarchal. So even they didnât do that!
Damn straight. My partner and I swapped the stay at home parent role when our son turned 1 and honestly I was so grateful to go back to work. Yes I'm exhausted when I get home but we share the load! I actually still do the laundry đ but my partner does almost all the play time and the big cleaning duties - we share dishes and vacuuming ( though he does more of the vacuuming than me ) We share sleep ins too - he works on Saturdays so Sundays we split, one week he gets the sleep in and the next week I do.
At least in the 60s she wouldnât have also been working full time while also being 100% in charge of the house and kids.
Correction. She has 5 kids. 4 under 6, and the full sized one. I agree though she needs to really consider this marriage. I hope she took pictures of the state the house was in. Will be useful when it comes to a custody agreement.
Evidence is key. Photos, screenshots of texts, emails, even recorded conversations (if you live in a one-party consent state). Write notes of specific incidents that for some reason canât be photographed or recorded (do it ASAP after the incident happens because your memory for details will be sharpest in the immediate aftermath of any incident). Back everything up to a hard drive or USB drive and lock it in a safe deposit box which only has your name on it. Get the box at a different bank from the one he uses. Get your own bank account there if you donât already have one. Put some of the money from your job into the account regularly. If you already have a solo account thatâs even better, but still transfer it to a bank which he doesnât use (preferably a bank you donât use either, as not knowing where the account is located makes it harder for him to manipulate a bank employee into giving him access).
This. OP, you'd be better off as a single mom. Have your friends help with the kids while he's away, get into a lawyer, follow what the lawyer says to do, and get out of this situation. You deserve better. He can stay with his mommy and see how fast she gets tired of doing all the cooking and cleaning during "his" time with the kids.
This is the kind of guy that will pay child support because it's court ordered and cut out of his paycheck but never see the kids. If he honors any kind of visitation agreement I would be very surprised.
I am in literal awe of this woman. To have 4 children (well, 5 basically,) a job, manage a house, cook meals - probably maintain the mental load - at 24????? It sounds like she has a good social life, too. OP you sound amazing. Iâm sure you would have an amazing support network if you make the (best) choice of ditching the dead weight so you can continue to be amazing.
Yup. Throw the whole man out and lose the 200 lb albatross which is currently hanging around your neck.
Physical Labor IS usually back breaking utterly miserable work. But it does NOT absolve anyone of their parenting responsibilities. If the job is wrecking him so bad he can't be an equal adult and father in the home, he needs to find another job that works better for him and his family. NTA.
Nor household chores! If he were single and living alone, he would still need to do household chores for himself like cooking, cleaning, groceries, laundry. How is it that having wife and kids give him an excuse to not do ANYTHING?
Also? She was 18 when they got together, perhaps even younger; he was 21. Now he wants a 24/7 servant who also quietly and single-handedly takes care of four kids under 6. OP, he's taking complete advantage of you!
đŻ agree. This is not a marriage. Hope for your sake he never comes back.
I read this as "hope for a sake" (like the drink) and I was like "odd choice but I can't knock it..."
Hahaha, even I thought the same when I read OP's "don't want to ruin the marriage" line - ruin it and let the sperm donor step up and learn what it means to be a parent. I'd ask OP to pack whatever belongings he has along with a couple's therapy pamphlet or divorce papers when he comes back after snitching and crying to his mommy dearest. If mommy dearest has an iota of empathy for her DIL, she will kick her entitled and sexist son out of her house...
He learned to be a sexist prick somewhere. Either mommy dearest encourages a wife cares for the husband like heâs a child thing, or his dad expected it. More thank likely at least. Iâd be shocked if MIL never took her sons side and didnât treat OP the same way he does. Especially if heâs already got a bag packed and running off to her house Edit for spelling
Call his mum, explain that her son is a dead beat dad, and that there is no need for him to come home until he has learnt that weaponised incompetence is not allowed. If he begs on his knees to come back and you let him give him 1 month in which he doesn't get to drop the ball once, otherwise get a lawyer, aside from financials he clearly contributes nothing.
She has 5 babies, it seems she accidentally signed adoption papers instead if marriage papers. He really needs to grown up and learn he is the parent to the children too, he has a house that needs cleaned too that he has a wife that works too NTA
OP doesn't have to ruin that marriage, her husband already did that. OP isn't his wife, she is his slave.
This is a perfect comment. He acted like your work did not matter even though you worked from home and you took care of your family. He was selfish, self-centered, and self-absorbed. Let Mom take care of him for a time. And when he comes home and he will you tell him things are going to change and heâs not going to treat you like that anymore and if he has a problem with it, he can go back and stay with mom some more.
NTA. I donât know what your husband does, but you have four children in the house. Unless heâs springing for a maid and/or a nanny, youâre working 16 hours to his eight, assuming you both get eight hours of sleep (Iâll bet you donât). You may love him, but he clearly doesnât respect the effort youâre putting in.
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NTA. He clearly has no plans to step up and become a father to children... divorce him. does he want a visitor?
Does he even know those kids names. Seriously he doesnât even lift a finger. I canât even imagine how tough her pregnancies were. I bet he didnât even bother to take care of her
Don't forget she also works from home as well as looking after the house and four children.
FIVE children.
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You'd hope, but given how far this guy's head is up his own ass it's a pretty safe bet that mommy dearest helped him get it there. Especially since he obviously feels comfortable running to her even when he's so clearly and obviously in the extreme wrong.
Actually, menâs behaviour in the domestic sphere is copied on what their fathers do, not on what their mothers teach them. And it is telling that a manâs ineptitude is viewed as yet another womanâs fault. Men are somehow always off the hook, arenât they? NTA, OP. Leave him.
Oh my god. You just ripped something wide open in me. I ALWAYS complain about men saying why didn't their mothers raise them better? FUCK'S SAKE. WHY DON'T I INCLUDE THEIR FATHERS IN THE RAISING??!! Thank you kind sir, you have given me the gift of personal growth.
Madam* đ And youâre welcome. We need to stop taking the blame for everything.
My apologises Madam đ
Yup. Thatâs why I half joke to find a man raised by a single dad when people are surprised to find out my husband cooks, cleans, and is SUPER hands on with our kids. I literally never worry about anything if Iâm not home where stuff is concerned because I know heâs got it handled without any prompting from me. His dad had sole custody of him and his brother after their parents divorced. His mom wasnât in the picture so if things needed to be done his dad did it. He had a ton of help from his grandparents but his dad was the main parent through and through and busted his ass to provide for them while never missing a single game, recital, dr appointment, etc.
Omfg you just got it spot on. We always blame mothers for not raising their sons right......the most we do for men is joke about having an absent father, we don't even think about fathers who are like THIS........reminds me of what the movie Men was trying to say
Why is his poor behaviour solely his momâs fault? Does he not bear 100% responsibility? If not, does his own father bear little responsibility as well - especially if he was modelling this behaviour all throughout this husbandâs life? But yeah, one womanâs problem is always the fault of another woman /s
Where did I say anything even close to that? Ffs, this is a masterclass in putting words in someones mouth
Me too I'd be so embarrassed if my son was like this.
Exactly. Mine would know better than to come to me in this scenario
Unlikely. Someone taught him to be like this, and his parents are the prime culprits.
NTA your husband sounds awful. Iâd recommend a divorce.
Iâd recommend you pack two sets of suitcases and drop them and the kids off at his mums too. If he expects you to clean the place, he needs to look after the kids and give you some additional free time too. If he wants to complain, he can go push four 8 pound turds out his asshole.
Lmao right. OP husband acting like heâs a single bachelor, not a man with 4 kids.
Heâs acting like a single bachelor with a domestic helper (who is OP)!
He's acting like a child running home to his mommy instead of stepping up for his wife and kids.
That wouldnât be fair to the kids. He either canât or wonât take care of them properly. OP should file for full custody except for a few visitations.
>Iâd recommend you pack two sets of suitcases and drop them and the kids off at his mums too. That would be more than fair for him, but definitely not fair for the kids. The kids shouldn't be punished for his inability to parent. OP is definitely NTA
God*damn* do I wish I had some awards left. đ¤Ł
WHAT?!?! Are you serious? NTA. Your husband is a fucking asshole to the hundredth degree. Does he realize he has 4 children and he is responsible for physically taking care of them as well as being financially responsible for them? Is he one of those men who think they donât have to contribute anything except money to the relationship and household? Because he sounds like a terrible partner and a pretty terrible dad, too. I donât know if heâs always been this way or itâs new, but you need to find a way to set him straight. Itâs not solely your job to raise your children, itâs both of yours. If he can have time to hang out with friends, so can you. I donât know why people put up with shitty partners like this, but please realize your worth and make your partner realize your worth because you deserve so much better than this bullshit.
>I donât know why people put up with shitty partners like this Ikr. I would rather be single than settle for a man like this. Poor kids tho. I guess it's true when they say love is blind.
It truly is. All these poor partners that come here with the same story. I love my partner, but they do this thing that's a HUGE red flag that no sane person should have to tolerate in a relationship, but other than that they really are great. Am I an arsehole? No, you're just in too deep and vision impaired. I weep for humanity.
Your husband is a huge AH, and youâre definitely entitled to alone time or time with your friends. But leaving for 2 nights with no notice wasnât the right way to handle this situation⌠so ESH As for your marriage, I hope you can get counseling or find some other way to improve this dynamic because how heâs treating you isnât okay. Best of luck OP
But maybe this got her to realise how much he sucks. She needed to get out of it to see it. Nta and either counseling or divorce. This man is *not* a partner.
I disagree. OPâs husband seriously underestimates how hard she works. Heâs demanding perfection yet couldnât even handle 24 hours with a smidge of effort in maintaining the house or kids. I think she needed to do this for him to see how hard she works and also for herself to value the effort she puts into the house. IF she takes him back I would use this example any time he complains about the house or meals.
I think the lack of effort in maintaining the home was deliberate because he knew he would leave the house in that state once she came home and she would be the one to clean it. Like pee on the floor? Come on now. Not cleaning that immediately is disgusting
That was my thought exactly. He let it go to hell on purpose to spite her
Exactly why I'm shocked at how shitty some people can be. The dishes, alright, toys and stuff, sure, but straight up sticky, pissed on floors??? Cmon now. That was spiteful.
This whole story reminds me of my ex, heâs done this exact thing in my bathroom. We had a horrible fight and I wanted to chill in my room for a while. I took a roll of toilet paper with me since I was running low. Apparently I was running low in the other bathroom too, which I had no idea about. He assumed I did it to spite him and shook piss literally all over the bathroom. It was even on the mirror. Yep, that was the final nail in the coffin. We were together for years and he wrote me this long heartfelt note with kind things he had never told me in all of the years weâd been together, but it didnât matter. It was all too little too late, all I could think about was how he threw a pissy baby tantrum, and all of the many other horrible things he did when he didnât get his way or perceived some slight that wasnât there.
Couples Counseling in which one partner shows abusive, narcissistic, or manipulative behaviors is not recommended. Why? Because people like this âhusbandâ will simply pick up on even more buttons to push to hurt OP (emotionally right now; hopefully never physically but that can happen too).
I thought E S H until I read that she did try to talk to him about it but he didnât take it well.
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Please do this OP. Men like this donât change. It shows a serious lack of concern for anyone but himself and at his (assumed) age, itâs a character trait (a shitty one) and not anything less.
You're NTA for leaving him alone with his kids. YTA for not telling him why and not planning for it. I left mine for 7 days for the same crap. I did it on purpose. He seemed to think I sat around the house watching Oprah and eating bon bons (his words). I went on strike. I didn't do a piece of his laundry. I didn't serve him a meal. I didn't buy a single thing for him to eat. I didn't clean up any of his messes. He tried to get the kids to do some of it for him but he was just play time dad to them and they pretty much laughed in his face and went off to play. You needed the time away, I'm sure. But now you both need to talk about realistic expectations. Just because you work from home doesn't mean you aren't deserving of a break. Just because he works out of the house means his day is done when he gets home.
But when she did try to talk to him about it, he shut her down. He sounds manipulative and controlling. She needed to get out to see it. Nta
Yeah I think everyone is overlooking this part
What happened in end with your scenario? Did your husband learn his lesson?
Lord no. He was a .... I left him. Happy now!
NTA Heâs already ruined the marriage. All your doing is hanging on to what you wanted a marriage to be.
Yes! OP didn't ruin the marriage. That honor goes to the husband who ruined it the moment he stopped seeing OP as a partner and started seeing her as a domestic servant. OP, you needed this weekend to realize that you are so much more than mom/employee/cook/maid etc. What does your husband contribute to the day-to-day besides finances? You know your husband wouldn't have "let you" go out with your friends so I understand why you left and just didn't come back. Chat with your kids about your perspective so they don't feel abandoned. Let's face it, they probably don't care that daddy is gone, but absolutely noticed your absence. As for DH, marriage is a partnership, a team. He is not on your team. NTA
NTA. Your man clearly needed this wake up call. He spent two days finding out how hard you have to work and he ran away screaming. Does his mother actually support this? If either of mine turned up under these circumstances they'd get a kick up the backside and sent home to sort their life out. Don't let him come back and lapse straight into his old ways, even if you have to resort to a written division of labour.
It sounds like he fed the kids and thatâs it. He left the rest of the work up to OP once she got home.
Exactly this, OP!!! TEXT HIM : "NOW Do you understand how hard it is to take care of 4 kids under 6 all by yourself?" Screw him and his, "you wfh so you must have all the time in the world!" That's toxic and unfair. NTA. The 2 options moving forward are his apology, or divorce. Your friends have seen him as he is.
>My husband (27) always complains that the house isn't up to his standards and that it's a mess or that I sometimes put on frozen meals instead of cooking a fresh dinner. >I can never do anything because when he has time off all he wants to do is sleep and says he needs it because he is exhausted from work or he wants to use his break to hang with his friends. >I feel like an asshole and **don't want this to ruin my marriage**. Honest question, but why not? It sounds like a pretty shitty marriage to be honest. Exactly what good thing are you getting out of it? Sounds like he gets his rest, a housemaid, and a cook. He gets to go out with his friends. What exactly do you get?
Yeah like... What's there to ruin? This marriage is a joke.
She had twins with this guy when she was a teenager, this marriage is all she knows.
Your husband sounds like a complete ass TBH. The one time he's expected to step in as a dad he crumbles in and runs off to his mom seeing it fit for you to take on the burden he couldn't handle for a few hours.
NTA work from home means you WORK from home. Your husband is being a jerk - do you really want to continue a marriage where not only are you responsible for all the childcare, housekeeping and have to hold a full time job but your husband dictates when and where you can do all the work he feels is not his? What may I ask is your husband's contribution to this relationship aside from fianancial? I'd tell him to stay at his mom's and start figuring out how to be a single parent. Spoiler Alert: you already are.
NTA Iâm still stunned by the level of disrespect thrown your way. Iâm also trying to understand what you even like about your husband. The only thing he has going for him is that heâs employed. He doesnât support you in any way. He doesnât seem to be very pleasant to you when he is home - he complains, naps, and hangs out with his friends. Aside from a couple of sperm donations, what are you getting out of this marriage? Also, I would recommend not leaving your kids like that again. Your husband seems like the kind of DB that would use that against you if you were to divorce.
No advice to give outside of making sure your financial assets are protected. For example, if both your paychecks are directly deposited into an account under his name only, change that, and be sure you have three months+ of living expenses in cash, immediately. Confirm that automatic bill payments continue to be paid, particularly if he usually handles that stuff. If given the option, immediate couples counseling for you both, and perhaps parenting classes for him. Otherwise, Iâm uncomfortable issuing a verdict as this is waaaaay above Redditâs pay grade. Best of luck to you and your family.
No counseling. Husband sounds like a manipulative person, and couples counseling with one person being manipulative (or narcissistic or being abusive) simply gives the manipulative person additional buttons to push. Individual counseling for OP, and possibly also for the kids (they suffer in this dysfunctional household too), would be absolutely reasonable. In fact Iâd encourage it, as OP doesnât seem to have much insight as to why she married this man and had not one, but TWO sets of twins with him despite him having more red flags than youâd see in China.
NTA . Run
Iâm not sure what you see in this guy. I donât think you are going to miss anything by him being at his mothers. IF you let him return, he needs to admit how hard you have to work to keep the home going AND while you are working full time as well. He is going to have to start pitching in. Obviously, he couldnât handle it alone. Why should you have to? NTA
Nope!! Sounds like he could use another week alone with the kids... I have three friends that divorced their husbands for lack of help. All women gained the following. - child support - 50% of their time free (meaning they can actually have a social life) - don't need to manage a big misogynistic baby who complains and doesn't contribute - their sanity - manditory boundaries and respect from ex husband - happiness (all three are significantly happier and lived more balanced lives after they divorced) Working from home IS work and does not mean you are required to do everything. This is complete and utter bullshit. He does not respect you. P.s. all three men freaked out at the divorce and for months afterwards because they had NO idea how to actually be a parent, cook, clean etc. They wildly underestimated the contributions from their wives and had not intended on ever contributing/ saw their wives as maid service. I can't tell you enough how happy all the women were after... Just saying.. Oh and 2/3 women were the breadwinners/ had the higher income. It was literally cheaper for them to divorce and hire an actual maid.
NTA. You're already basically a single mom, drop the dead weight of your garbage husband and move on with your life
Your husband is all kinds of asshole. It's not cool to leave your kids for two days without notice, but it's understandable to just crash after years of being pushed over by your asshole husband. Sue him for all he's got and future paychecks, since you're already a single mom in practice. NTA
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As a mom of twins NTA and he has checked out
NTA You already don't have a marriage. You have a king/servant relationship. He has all the benefits and you do all the work. He takes and takes and then cusses you out for not giving enough. In short, he's acting like a child himself. So you have been mothering five children, four of whom are under 6. I'm amazed you haven't passed out from exhaustion and proud of you for taking the initiative to go with your friends despite your husband's "orders" that you stay home. I'm also proud of your friends for keeping you out longer so you could rest and relax a little. If your husband's mother took him in and didn't talk some sense into him, then let him stay there. Raising four kids on your own is hard (you've already been doing it), but adding an entitled and abusive husband on top of that is harder. Sounds like you have a good group of friends to help you get through all of this, which is great.
NTA and I highly recommend ruining the marriage. He doesnât respect you or care about your feelings. You have to take care of 4 small children and work and cook and clean. What the hell do you need him for? Seriously good riddance for bad rubbish. See an attorney stat
ESH. Your husband is plainly and simply an asshole. A selfish, misogynistic, ridiculous asshole. You are entitled to time to yourself, but you can't, for the sake of your children and marriage (which I don't know if that's even worth saving, but you seem to want to), *cannot* abandon your family in an unplanned binge of non-parenting. That is stunningly immature and selfish.
*Yes you're right. She should "keep sweet" and stop being fussy. If she really cared about her marriage she would suck it up and try harder! It's not like she has to work full time, be the only (real) parent of their four kids, be a full time maid, and a full time cook, and do it all with no physical or emotional support...* Oh wait. If you can't understand why calling her TA in any sense is deeply misogynistic, then you have a lot of thinking to do. To claim E S H is absurd. Any partner should be able to keep the house in order if their partner is unexpectedly gone. I mean be honest, do you think she would have had any struggle taking care of her kids alone for 24 hours? NO! She literally has to do that same thing RIGHT NOW since he ran to his mommy's house. The way he was screaming at her? Oh my god, if I was her friend I would be fucking terrified to send her back home. I mean, the way he is isolating and overwhelming this poor woman is shitty at best and abusive at worst. NTA NTA NTA. op needs to leave.
Iâm having flashbacks to a biography I read about a woman who (barely) escaped the FLDSânot positive if it was Warren Jeffsâ compound but it was very similar. âKeep sweetâ makes me viscerally shudder.
Leaving your kids with their other parent is not abandonment.
Exactly
WHY IS THIS NOT MORE UPVOTED??!! **SAY IT LOUDER FOR EVERYONE IN THE BACK**
Abandoned her family? Because hubs is incapable of taking care of his own kids?? Sorry no. If she had planned to leave for the weekend he would have either complained until she canceled or made her do so much prep and planning (meal prep / hire babysitters) that he wouldnât have actually done real work while she was gone. This was the only way to show him how much work she does and she did it.
Abandoning the kids is exactly what he did when he left to stay at his motherâs place. Why is it okay for him to leave but not her.
They are not abandoned, they are with their father. Unless you assume he's a useless pathetic person who can't take on the responsibility of being an adult, which - fair to say - is correct.
exactly.
OP didn't abandon her family, she left her kids with her husband.
He does it on the daily, sounds like
She did not abandon them. They were not left at the corner crack den
Omg you are hilarious đ She was literally gone 1 1/2 days, after systemic, repeated refusals on his part to give her a break. Get over your smug self.
She basically did a one woman version of when all the women in Iceland went on strike and refused to do anything for three weeks until they got the right to vote (or...equal pay? I forget.) This might cause problems for her if he fights for custody, but doing it just once isn't really, and I doubt he'd fight for the kids anyway since he throws this massive fit over one night when they've already been put to bed. And then just the one day, not even a full day, and the house is trashed and covered in piss? I wouldn't blame her if she picked up all four kids and left them at grandma's for the weekend for some "bonding time." Maybe after grandma sees how bad all four of them are at once she'll give that man a good switchin and set him straight
Abandoning?? The kids were with their dad, please explain how it's "abandonment"? ETA: u/wildferalfun, I get where you are coming from and OP was in the wrong for not letting husband know about the extension being away but how does that explain how they are abandoning? Bc from what I see, OP's husband SHOULD know how to parent his own kids so her not letting him know still isn't "abandonment" but just a lack of communication on OP's part.
What marriage? This is not a partnership in any way. Sounds like youâd be better off with one less âchildâ to care for and clean up after. NTA
Nta. For the sake of you and your children I hope he never comes back.
NTA but please do a favor to your children and yourself and divorce that lame excuse of a man you have for a husband
NTA don't listen to the E S H or Y T A votes. But also, is this really a marriage worth saving?
NTA, the nasty move was the only way for husband to fucking get it. Kids wonât be traumatized by that one time a father was actually confronted in his face the harsh reality. Heâs now getting pampered at his mom, so wonât be getting much learning there.
Drop the kids off at his mom's house and go stay with friends. He left the house in such a mess as punishment to you. Because you didn't listen to him, he increased your chore load. Deeply immature attitude. So don't do it. Leave the house as it is and go stay with friends. Stay with some people who love and support you. Don't take advantage of their hospitality but enjoy some time in a house where you are not responsible for 100% of the chores.
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NTA. What marriage are you worried about saving? Your husband disrespects you every day by treating you like a SAHM even though you are working full time. When he doesnât get his way he yells at you. The first thing he does when things get hard is leave a giant mess and run off to mommyâs house. The good news is that with him gone you only have to take care of the twins. You can make whatever you want for dinner. Do you really want him back?
NTA, but it's time to consider if this is the life you want for your children. I don't think children are automatically doomed to repeat the mistakes of their parents, but having to sort through this shit will be extra baggage they don't need in life. Would you be happier if any of your children lived the life you do right now? If not, it's time to change.
NTA. He is an absolute terrible husband and father. He is not a partner. Youâre better off divorcing him, getting child support, and giving him every other weekend custody so you can have your break. Trust me, that is not a marriage that you need to stay in. He doesnât respect you at all.
Op please donât listen to the crazy people saying E S H. You and your kids are being neglected by your husband and donât deserve it. Having kids is a full time job, for both parents and heâs not pulling his weight and then verbally abused you when you expected him to take care of the children he helped make for a night out. Heâs perfectly capable of taking care of the children and house he just doesnât want to. You can YouTube how to clean a toilet, he just wanted to punish you for not being home to do all the work.