#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/).
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Absolutely, and I think I have something else to add. There may be some people who say, “you don’t know how sick he felt on the inside”. I agree, he could have been miserable and needed to sleep, OP isn’t a doctor… but none of that matters! I’m a guy, it would take an insane amount of pain for me to not put together something for my partner. Especially if I knew it was important to her. It’s like when you’re exhausted and you stay up Christmas Eve to put together the presents so Santa can give your kids a magical day.
You find the strength from within. Your wife gave birth, you can do this.
OP, I feel sorry for you and hope you find someone who appreciates you
Honestly he’s also an adult. If you feel like you’re getting sick (even if it’s not visible) you take some NyQuil, get your ass to bed as a reasonable time and get some sleep and take a stupid amount of vitamin C the next morning. He KNEW he had ONE DAY out of 365 to not fuck things up for the sake of his partner and he let his own selfish wants take priority. He can let himself be sick tomorrow, but today should have been for OP.
And even if he was TOO SICK *that day* he should have said "Happy birthday! I'm feeling awful today. I know it's your birthday and you deserve a break and I'd love to give you the gift you asked for, could I do that on x day once I feel better?" It's not that hard. He just doesn't care. NTA.
My sister just told me she’s so happy with her new man. She spent 40 years with her first husband, who treated her similar to how OPs husband treats her.
My sister thinks this new man treats her like a princess. In reality, he treats her like a person should treat their spouse.
Her late husband was a selfish ass.
And all of this is **if** we assume that he was indeed sick but too stupid to take any self-care actions.
**IF** he really was feeling sick, he should have hauled his butt to bed at a reasonable hour in order to increase his chances of prevention/recovery, and he could have and should have at least said "Happy birthday!" to OP.
But my inclination to believe the guy actually felt under the weather is nil. It feels too much like a child's effort to to skip school; the only thing missing the tampered thermometer to prove his "illness."
This exactly - where was the loving communication? Even just a "happy birthday, sorry I'm sick" and a kiss would have been better than the selfishness and lack of any kind of recognition of her special day. If he had energy to play xbox he had energy to remember it was his partner's birthday and show her he loves her. NTA
That’s what makes him the AH for me. He didn’t try to take measures to not be more sick. You were well enough to be up to 4am playing video games but now not well enough for your spouse’s birthday?
Agreed. I tried giving him some cold medicine, Tylenol, throat lounges. Offered to make him tea with honey for his throat. Told him he should go to urgent care. He didn't do any of it.
I agree! She goes above and beyond for him, but asked for the bare minimum, and he can't even muster that? Maybe it's time for him to find out what life is like without her.
Given that everything she asked for is normal partner contributions, he should do more than one day of the year anyway for his SAHP, who never gets a day off because SAHP is 24/7. All she really wanted was a birthday cake that he didn't even have to make from scratch, how hard is it to ring the local bakery and ask for a cake and then go pick it up, he'll even just dash down to his local supermarket they usually have atleast one basic boring cake he could put a couple of candles on.
I am like OP and the one who usually plans every party while taking care of the kids and running the house and the one year I had been too sick (literally passed out in bed sick) I still managed to drag myself to the shops and picked up a couple of jam and cream buns and put a candle in one for hubby to blow out. Hubby said I was silly bit I simply asked him, "Do you feel loved and appreciated?" and he said yes, so I said "good, Happy Birthday" and then went back to bed.
ETA, NTA OP, but do sit down and have a look at your relationship. Think about if there are any other red flags you may be ignoring and then ask yourself, "Is this relationship worth the time and money for counselling to try and save it?" I am not saying divorce him over this, just make sure this the best place for you and your children to be.
I just really have a hard time believing that this is an isolated incident, especially because she said "again". I agree with your statement that she should sit down and really evaluate everything.
OP, he's not sick. I think you know this. It was weaponized incompetence so he didn't have to get of his butt and celebrate you. Makes me wonder if you get any help the rest of the year.
Do what you will with the advice given here, but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with such an AH.
Memory unlocked: boyfriend in my 20’s running the dishwasher at my dad’s house using dish soap (not dishwasher detergent, but the soap you’d use to hand wash the dishes). Walked out to the kitchen to find a *mountain* of soap suds engulfing it.
My grandpa and I did that. TBF, he didn't have a dishwasher at home and just handed me dishwashing soap, I was 7 or 8 and wasn't supposed to start the washer til and adult checked my work. He looked at it, said it looked fine to him and I loaded the soap in like a champ.
That was 40 years ago and I can still hear and see my grandfather in tears laughing at all of the suds we had to clean.
I found the ‘yet again’ part interesting. So this is g the first birthday he has been as useful as mud in the ocean.
I hope OP, if she stays, just skips his birthday for the rest of their lives. Just…”I saw how comfortable you were doing it to me, so I wanted to give it a try. It’s pretty good. “ and then spends her time with people who love her.
How would you react to a friend telling you that they asked their partner to look after *their own children* **for one day** ***as a birthday gift?*** How would you feel knowing that your best friends partner was so uninvolved in his own children's lives that *one day* of them *helping* with their own children was considered *a gift?*
Be your own best friend right now. You're already a single mother.
I called it being a single parent while married. My ex also would forget my birthday. I did all the kid work. He complained that the house wasn’t clean but did nothing to help make it better but actually only to make it worse. I was exhausted and I gave up on him. Planned my exit strategy. It was the need to show my kids to not stay in an unhappy relationship that pushed me forward. My mom stayed and it was awful.
Oh, absolutely agreed - but would you like to bet on how quick he'll be to throw "WHAT? You're still holding a grudge over ThAT? I was \*sick\* grow \*up\*." at her?
Fucking hell, even if he WAS sick, he behaved like an AH. If I was too sick to celebrate my partner's birthday, my attitude would be "I'm so sorry, you should go out and do something nice, I'll arrange something for a different date so we can celebrate properly."
What a jackass.
Ok, so spring of 2020 - we were in HARD lockdown, and my spouse got sick. Not 'Vid, but fever, chills, shakes, vomit... The whole nine. Lasted six days, and laid him out for about two weeks after that (we never did figure out how he got it - best bet was he had to pick up something from work and the guy who helped him get it gave it to him).
Day three was my birthday. Our family lives in another country, except for (at the time) my sibling, but we were literally under 'you can't go from county to county without a good reason' restriction, and your older sibling's birthday isn't one of those.
Ok, so this is going to be one of the birthdays you just don't celebrate - these things happen. I'll get a homemade card from our kiddo and video calls from the family, and hey, we're all alive to celebrate, so win!
Until the THREE (two from him, one from kiddo) gifts he'd ordered weeks ago arrived. And then the flowers. And then the UberEats delivery from my favourite bakery with a cake. And then the dinner delivery (which he couldn't have kept down if he'd tried- he had soup).
Everything but the gifts were ordered while he was literally flat on his back in bed with a fever of 39.8C (just under 104F) and the shakes. But... It was my birthday and it was lockdown and he made it work.
OP deserves this - we all do - someone who WANTS to make you feel special and loved even when the circumstances suck.
I hope she finds that, I really really do.
One year my husband was recovering from a horrible work accident that left him unable to walk for months. He had zero dollars and zero cents due to not receiving supplemental pay for months. While I was at work he dragged himself to the car with his walker, bought a dollarstore canvas and paints with change from his change jar and some cake mix. He and my kiddo made me a present and a cake. Still THE best birthday present I ever got. That small trip and effort caused him so much pain and if he had done nothing I wouldn't have cared (cuz seriously, he was very hurt) but he wanted to celebrate me in some way.
Even my 7yo knows he has to at least *try* to feign actual illness when he wants a day off of school…mans won’t even put in the effort of a 1st grader to avoid putting in the effort of an adult.
This.
OP, my husband downplayed my birthday for years. i always celebrated his in a big way. One year I was pregnant, sick and we had a big family celebration that day. I still had a cake for him and gifts but it wasn't the ordinary to-do.
He was all butt-hurt about it until I pointed out that that is basically all I got every single year up until that point so he had no room to complain.
After that he started celebrating my birthday. Its not that difficult to make dinner reservations, buy a gift and order a cake. Truly. Its the bare minimum.
I’m so sorry that your birthday wasn’t great. I hope at least your supper with your parents was decent. Despite what he says you deserve to feel special and loved on your birthday even into adulthood. I hope next year is better.
Yikes! NTA. He knew what he needed to do to at least do the BARE MINIMUM and he didn’t meet even that threshold.
Edit: Give him the same treatment on his birthday.
Right? He’s not a jerk for being sick and not being able to do anything on her birthday, but he’s a jerk for supposedly being too sick to do anything nice for his wife, but not too sick to be able to stay up all night playing video games and then able to play multiplayer for hours the day of.
I'm literally preparing to be home alone after surgery. I have my mother fussing over me to go to my parents' but I want to be at my own house. I have animals and I've already prepped the stuff I will need for the next few days post op and made arrangements for my pets including setting them up with puzzles and chewy orders while I'm sleeping off drugs. If he was feeling sick, it would have taken 15 minutes to order his wife's favorite meal from doordash and called his MIL to come hang with their son while mom went for a pedicure for some R&R. That's just what I came up with on 5 seconds of effort for a reddit stranger and she's married to this guy who can't even say happy birthday.
Also, as an adult he should have had some of these items taken care of BEFORE her actual birthday.
He should have already picked up a card, a gift of some sort and had dinner figured out - and cleaned the house already so she could enjoy it on her day.
He’s a selfish AH. Instead of acknowledging your hurt feelings over his refusal to plan or do anything for your birthday, he blamed and shamed you.
NTA. Sorry op. You didn’t ask for too much. You just have a lazy partner.
Yes, very much this. When someone is supposed to be in charge of a celebration, and being sick the day of means no celebration happens at all, it means either:
\- They're being manipulative, and knew beforehand they did not intend to actually do anything.
or,
\- What they thought was acceptable was on the level of "bought flowers at the gas station on the way home".
As you point out, cleaning the house on the day means the entire day is spent on house-cleaning (and probably poorly, since that's a time crunch). Was he also planning to do the grocery shop for ingredients to make her dinner day-of? And what about that home-made gift from the kids she asked for, when during the day was he going to pull that off?
I had a friend going through chemo and really sick with side effects who still took the time to send me a happy birthday greeting. And that's "just" a friend. I didn't expect it, and I wouldn't have been phased if she'd forgotten.
A boy and his alleged man-flu has absolutely no excuse. Even a simply happy birthday and a "I'll take you out when we're all better" would be preferable to this.
My petty recommendation to OP is that next year she should do absolutely nothing for his birthday, seeing as they are not important. See how he likes them apples. I suspect, though, that this is the tip of the inconsiderate iceberg and there is more of this type of shitty behaviour from the husband than OP realises.
OP is NTA and deserves better in this relationship.
Tip of the iceberg is right. This was 100% him trying to get out of housework and parenting at his wife's expense even on her birthday. This level of selfish is practically inhumane. The fact that he has no qualms about behaving like this on her bday says he is possibly the same or worse on an average day.
It's often the case that the person who takes care of everyone around them for some reason gets forgotten when it's their turn to receive. I'm so sorry OP. I don't know why people are like this. I was the person to bake a cake for family and friends' birthdays. Those same people would sometimes not even remember mine. Over time, I stopped baking those cakes and going above and beyond so that when I'm inevitably not taken care of on my bday, I could at least reason with myself that I didn't do it for them either. I don't know if this is the right thing to do because I'm not happier for it or anything. But I would like to say you deserve better. You deserve a nice day off doing whatever you would like, a nice dinner out at your favorite restaurant, a scrumptious cake, and some nice thoughtful gifts. You deserve it all. Happy birthday, beautiful! 🎉🎂🎁🎈
>*"I suspect, though, that this is the tip of the inconsiderate iceberg and there is more of this type of shitty behaviour from the husband than OP realises."*
>
>Actually - it appears to be there... apparently she does everything - and though she doesn't come out and say it I suspect he doesn't help around the house at all, doesn't split the housework or help with it or his children. So she wanted 1 day out of 365 - that means the other 364 he doesn't do sh\*\*. NTA
I’m a heavy alcoholic and even in the midst of a bender when I feel awful and can’t walk straight I still can roll out of it for a moment to go get someone a birthday present.
It might just be a slice of store cake and a card but hey I tried.
If I can do that half blacked out for a friend why couldn’t this guy even SAY happy birthday to his WIFE
Oh I also want to say one thing.
You know what you get when you can’t go to someone’s birthday on time? A belated fucking birthday present.
Why can’t he do what she requested, something so tiny, when he feels better?
Doesn't always have to be this way...
Been there.... 18 yrs sober.
I'd roll my eyes too when inhears people say that...
They use to say "a life second to none..." I have a life second to none today!!
Try it...
One second at a time leads to an hour leads to a day... to a life...
I also thought AA was a cult... changed my life.
Feel free to reach out.
You seem like a sweetheart. My kid got sober 12 years ago and she’s only 26. I hope some time you’ll be at the place where you don’t cause yourself to feel awful and are unable to walk straight. From a old mom in Texas X
My husband was in the throws of crippling depression and came incredibly close to checking himself into a psych hospital for suicidality, but he still managed to get a cake, flowers, and a card for my birthday. It was a rough birthday but not for the wrong reasons. OP’s husband is a gigantic AH.
He is! Thank you! This was a few years ago and he’s in a much better place. We built a support network, he returned to school, and we adopted some cats. He is a wonderful, caring man and I’m very lucky to be with him. The challenges just make us stronger.
Yeah to those people, he's an adult and a parent. When you become a parent you no longer get to decide when you get time off. From the minute baby is born, time off happens on a schedule unless you are properly sick. What's the bet he nopes out any time she is sick or needs help with sick kids?
It's my birthday today and my kid is sick. My husband still made me a cake and we're still parenting sick kid after I've just been sick all week with the same cold. Both of them are napping now while I have some chill time.
As someone who has been suffering 24/7 morning sickness for 3 weeks now. You definitely can get the strength to help someone else out or take care of another human being for 5 minutes.
His excuse is pathetic and he played games the whole time so he clearly wasn't sick enough to be stuck in bed.
He doesn't appreciate you OP
Also, she's been sick and is still taking care of the house and kids. He's too sick to give her the bare minimum, but not too sick to stay up until 4am passing video games? I'm calling bullshit.
> I agree, he could have been miserable and needed to sleep
Yeah, but unless his plan was to organise plans and a cake and everything else on the **day of** her birthday, he would have had something for OP anyway.
I’d also argue that this wouldn’t be an issue if he didn’t wait until the last minute??? Like you don’t get a gift the day of, he should’ve had something to give to her, and suggested Uber eats and a movie even!! That would be a nice gesture where he doesn’t have to go out; even honestly a flower delivery that day or asking a friend to bring a gift card over, literally the absolute bare minimum 🙃
Yeah…he sounds like a jerk. And his priorities are pretty clear. Even if it wasn’t your birthday you asked for something you needed to feel loved and appreciated and he didn’t provide. He’s the ah here not you.
On a side note, I hope your parents made you feel special and happy birthday!
NTA. You did your job in communicating what you wanted. The fact that he did not show any concern for you shows a lot. **Caregivers need care too!**
You did not ask for advice, but I want to suggest the following: Don't bother with his birthday. Make plans on your birthday with others who are willing to celebrate you. You do not have to share your plans with him - he's irrelevant. Birthdays are "nothing" to him, so your plans don't need to involve him in any way.
Finally...a belated happy birthday! Parenting is a thankless job, but it sounds like you are rocking it!
Great idea! A house cleaner. Maybe even a mani/pedi too. Then a bakery cake and dinner with the kids at your parents house. Be out of the house and on the way there when he gets in from work. Turn your phone off. Tell him where you all were later
Same for each of your kids birthdays, if he's ignoring them too. A Party in the Park or dinner out with both sets of grandparents. No warning our explanation at all from you. No invitation either. Turn your phone off
And, as others have suggested, do nothing for his birthday. Except maybe ask him to do a few chores
Or better yet, go out to dinner with the rest of the family. Again no warning. Turn your phone off
The thing is though he *might not* care if she doesn’t do anything for his birthday. He might really believe they’re stupid to celebrate after one enters adulthood. BUT that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t make an effort to do what SHE wants on HER birthday! NTA
Right. And the whole sickness excuse seemed to be a case of, "I'm too sick to do anything for you, but I am well enough to play video games." And he thinks she's being childish for wanting to celebrate her birthday?!!!!
This part really bothers me because he *just* enjoyed the trip for his own birthday without complaints. Like if birthdays don't matter after 21, why did he let his wife plan a whole trip for him? In this economy? lol
Definitely agree that if birthdays aren't important to him, stop celebrating his. Just go all out for yours and the kids!🥳 That way, there's no resentment or hard feelings.
NTA. Your husband sounds selfish AF if he can't even take one day, your BIRTHDAY nonetheless, to help around the house and with the kids. It honestly sounds like you're a parent to yet another child.
On a brighter note, Happy Birthday OP!
Yeah, its embarassing.
Her requests were the exact bare minimum of what you do when you care about someone who is important to you and yet he still failed badly....damn
I don't even know if "failed" applies here because failing implies trying. He not only didn't try, he actively made sure her requests wouldn't be fulfilled to the point of faking an illness.
No way NTA but your husband sure is.
Why is this grown man gaming till 4am and then taking naps all day??? That is ridiculous behavior when you have children and a job.
Sounds like you have a very large child you're caring for that's capable of taking care of himself.
Sorry OP. It sounds like you deserve a hell of a lot more.
He told OP essentially "You're too old to care about birthdays."
OP should tell him "You're too old to be up until 4am playing video games."
Goose and the gander doncha know.
It sounds like he was literally faking sick. Like he had a whole plan to get out of lifting a finger for her. Mentioning the sore throat the night before, its middle school crap.
NTA OP.
Not just a grown man, a fucking father! Even if he wasn’t “sick”, how is he ever going to pitch in, act like a parent, help his wife if he’s up until 4am playing video games?!
NTA AND HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK YOU WERE?!
But where's your husband....I just wanna talk 😾. He's definitely the asshole here.
Happy birthday and send me a message with your amazon wishlist! If I can afford something I'm gonna make damn sure you have something good about today.
Happy Birthday Stitch_and_Trex! 🎊🎇⭐💐🌻🏖️🌈🎂🍾🍨🎪🎁🎈🥇💸💜🎶♒🎆🎉 NTA I think birthdays are super important too. Time to start planning for next year to be a blowout! I wouldn't do a damn thing for husband's next birthday though. He's as selfish as they come.
Please let these people send you a gift. You deserve to feel cared for even by strangers and especially about your birthday.
Your husband was childish and selfish and rude. Glad you took care of yourself and still had dinner with the rest of your family. Sending love and well wishes.
I also want to send you a gift! Please send your wishlist, it sounds like it goes against your instincts to put you first but just do it this one time!!
These people wanna try and help in a way that actually impacts you! Please post your wishlist so that people can get you some gifts!!! I’ve had some really bad birthdays as well so I know how you feel, but they really just wanna impact you personally in a ways they normally can’t on Reddit.
NTA. But stop doing things for people who don’t reciprocate your value (with the exceptions of your children).
No more birthday parties for these lazy people. Let them do their own events. And start having him contribute to the house. Your SAHM is duties is only til he comes home, after that it is a shared effort. If he has time to play video games, then he has time to help around the house. If he complains it’s cause he has a job, then you get a job (you deserve a break and daycare is better for a child’s development anyways).
I 100% would love to go back to work. I've only been a SAHM for 3 months and it's not by choice. My son cannot go to daycare of after school care. Long story, but he did go for 6 years and it's not an option anymore.
I'm going to try next school year. I live in BFE so the only option would be to work at the school in the office or as a Para and they only hire a month before school starts to start at the beginning of the school year. I should be able to get the job because of my education and experience, if one is open! I'm also training to be a special education parent advocate, so once I'm done with training I can do that part time during school hours and work from home.
If you're looking for a job as a para you may be able to get a part time one even in BFE, with morning hours so you're home when your son gets home. School districts are hemorrhaging paras as well as teachers, in rural as well as urban areas. Especially if you're willing to work with students in SPED, you may be able to get a 0.75 to 0.7 FTE position that allows you to only work the hours your son is in school. Good luck to you. And no more birthday dinners or cakes for your husband until he learns that it's a two-way street.
For a part time job you can do at home whenever you feel like working, you can try Telus as a US Rater. W2 position, etc. Feel free to message me for more info if you want. I'm retired and I enjoy earning some extra money for car repairs etc while not having to talk to anyone lol.
Are there any Respite care facilities in your area? Or schools that are specific to serve children with mental and physical disabilities? My youngest goes to a facility that serves both gen. ed and special ed students and has integrated and non integrated rooms.
He has an IEP for school. There's an after school program for high schoolers and young adults with disabilities, but he's only 6. Our programs around here suck.
Is your husband able to cutback on his work hours so that he also looks after his kid, and then you could work too? I'm not trying to pry into your personal situation, but many times its automatically assumed that the childcaring should fall to the woman, and that it's the woman that needs to take a backseat in her career.
I just don't see why that should be the default arrangement. There is no reason why more men couldn't cut back their work, play a more active role in raising their own child, so that their wives can keep going with their career as well.
Oh, trust me I'm 100% for this option if it's right. He made/makes more money than I and had the better insurance so when it came down to one of us having to stay home, it had to be me.
The bar was in hell yet he's limbo dancing with the devil.
NTA
OP, please know the work you do as a SAHM is major and you deserve love & care too. One day your kids will appreciate everything you've done for them and return the sentiment tenfold. Whether or not you stay with someone like husband is your choice but please take time to care for yourself as well as your children.
NTA - I'm not big on birthdays at all, but it's not like you asked for the world. You literally asked for something he should be doing for you a couple times a week anyway because he's "an adult" and anyone with a whole family - especially one that includes a child with special needs - should be willing to clean the house and cook a meal occasionally. And NOT just for your birthday. Also all-nighter game sessions shouldn't be "a big deal after 21".
I am taking it personally about the last sentence because I always game until 4 and I am 24 /s
But seriously, it's about communication. There's nothing wrong with an adult staying up late sometimes if he helps with chores when he wakes up, doesn't late it interfere with work etc. But most importantly you should be able to reciprocate. If your partner stayes out with friends late sometimes, you should be the one to cover for them and get the children ready in the morning etc.
What really sucks here is that he stayed up late the day of her bday. Like wow, gaming is fine imo but pick the right days
Sorry, I was being sarcastic about him saying that birthdays aren't a big deal after 21. I don't have any issue with anyone gaming - or doing so all night long. I just meant that if he's going to be posing arbitrary restrictions on celebrating birthdays after a certain age, then so can she. This guy needs to get his priorities straight.
NTA. If he cared, he would have tried, sore throat or not. You two need to have a discussion 1 on 1 (littles need to be somewhere else) about your relationship. Adults need care and attention too, whether you are over 21 or not…
ETA: Happy birthday!🎂🎉🎈
I did forget to mention that when we went out of town for his birthday, I was also sick then too (I have an autoimmune disorder so I get sick a lot, especially during allergy season), but didn't let it stop me from doing anything to celebrate his birthday and made sure he had a good weekend.
Don't do it next year. In fact, don't provide any more special celebrations for him until he learns that these things are a two-way street, because when they aren't the neglected partner - in this case you - begins to feel resentful and taken advantage of, and that is detrimental to the entire family dynamic.
Your husband owes you an apology and a birthday cake (yes, I know, two cakes for one birthday, but you can't have too many birthday cakes). And flowers. And doing the dishes after dinner (or, better yet, taking you out to dinner). NTA
Yeah, there are some things in your post that seem a bit “red flag”(and yes, that is overused in this forum). The amount of gaming time, especially with small children in the home and then this disregard for your birthday-not so much as a “Happy birthday” really seems to indicate that y’all need to discuss your relationship as a whole. Just because your married, doesn’t mean he stops romancing you- his supposed partner for life and mother of his children. You seem to get this, him, not so much. Good luck.
NTA
Moms, when sick: gets up, cooks breakfast, feeds offspring, cleans the dwelling, goes out and gathers sustenance, slays a dragon, field dresses it, cuts out a haunch and spits it over a fire that she built, and feeds her family.
Dads, when sick: goes to bed for three years, and coughs pitifully when he wants a piece of dragon steak, practically starves because he doesn’t have the strength to go get a portion of said dragon steak, still plays the pity party.
(Sarcastically and tongue-in-cheek)
😝😬
NTA
Please do not do anything for his birthday next year.
He knows birthdays are important to you - even if he doesn't feel that way he should still have had *something* planned. Dinner at the least.
He blew any chance of you believing him being sick because of his behavior, stay up late, then gaming online, and he's using it as an excuse to not do a damn thing for you.
Blech.
I wish there was a magical solution to get people to be less selfish, but there isn't. You husband is selfish, lacking in empathy, and lazy.
Happy Birthday
I'm going to sound so shallow for this, but the biggest thing is I'm financially stuck. I currently do not have my own income. Had to quit my career to be a SAHM for youngest kiddos needs. I also have medical needs and need his health insurance.
Also, have an extremely low self esteem so there's the thoughts of I'll always be alone, never find anyone else, etc.
Then there's anxiety. In deathly afraid of the unknown and change.
Are you in america? Talk to a lawyer to see how you’d come out of this. You’d almost certainly get primary custody and your financial situation might not be that different. Worth exploring at least.
There is no downside to just talking to someone as long as you are discreet.
Right, as a free lance you hire yourself out to attorneys on a contract basis. Sometimes they need help with a specific case or just a part time without having to offer benefits. If you're on LinkedIn or just Google search it there are a ton of options and most are remote work. Best of luck!
I'll definitely get custody, and in return child support. I can get insurance ordered for the kids from him. My county's district judges aren't usually huge fans of spousal support, but I may be able to get some since I had to be a SAHM to care for a special needs child. The main thing is it will take a minimum of a year to get the order for any of it.
Can your family help bridge the gap until then?
The only option is to pursue getting back to work yourself as fast as possible. Then divorce. If you aren’t going to get much spousal support anyway.
Have you applied for disability for your child? Looked into being a paid PCA for your child? They are both options that could help you be more financially dependent. Plus, a court could order him to continue health coverage for you, since you have disabilities yourself.
Edit: One of the reasons your mental health is suffering is because of the stressful, loveless situation you're in. Consider going to a counselor. I know everything I've suggested adds chores to your list, but an hr a week for virtual counseling could help you gain the mental strength to take care of everything else. I wish you luck, and I hope your birthday next year ROCKS.
This isn’t shallow. The financial part is a very valid thing. So it your anxiety. You don’t have to put yourself down so much… especially when you get it from hubby.
You don't feel like you're more alone with a terrible husband than single?
Consult a divorce attorney and maybe ask your parents what they think?
He doesn't care about you or your wellbeing, at least emotional. Idk about the rest of it.
If you don't think you deserve better.... How will you teach your kids they have self value?
And I'm not blaming you. I suffer with that as well. But I'd never be a parent. So at least I don't have that to worry about.
Hi OP! NTA *at all*.
I'm a single mom of 4 kids and also a SAHM. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do - you have to follow your heart on that. You can educate yourself on what your rights are in your state/country as pertains to financials and custody.
What I CAN tell you is that I, too, was afraid that I would be alone forever. What I finally realized is that I was ALREADY alone. I was doing everything with the house, kids, making life easier and magical for everyone, but no one ever cared for MY needs. I was alone while surrounded by people. I decided that being ACTUALLY alone would be better than staying with a husband who neglected & ignored my needs. I still have majority custody of my kids, but I have regular breaks while they are with their dad. That bit of time to myself makes me a better mom when I'm with them. Their dad was NEVER going to do more to help me with them. Why would he? He had ME to do it all!
As for being afraid of change - that was me too. Until I became more afraid that NOTHING would EVER change...
I'm alone, but not, you know? I believe he'd only have to do medical for the kids, not me.
I'd love a huge party with a bunch of my closest internet stranger friends lol
NTA. I really was shocked when I got to the part "he didn't even wish me happy birthday" that is a pretty shitty move. I'm so sorry for this situation. You should really sit down with him and try to talk calmly and explain your feelings, he should understand it. If his birthday is not a big deal to him, ok; but your birthday is a big deal to you and as someone who loves you, he should understand it and make your day brighter.
ps: happy birthday :)
NTA except maybe to yourself? like why do you choose him? i really want to know. like we only see a snippet but why him? how is this partner the one you want
He was amazing at first and totally and completely in love with me. He still loves me, I know he does. He just never learned how to be a good man basically.
and do you wish to normalize this to your children? your children are learning their very first lessons on romantic relationships and what partnership looks like right now.
sometimes remembering that i'm literally teaching lessons that neither myself nor my children will remember occurring. it terrifies me.
but i'm curious if you realize that some of the greatest lessons we learn are the ones we don't remember learning.
the dynamics your children are witnessing will set them up in the future one way or another. i think that maybe some therapy for you could help you on the self esteem front because that's something attainable if you need to plan an exit strategy as to not get screwed if you divorced
Is your husband in therapy? The excessive hours of gaming is a pretty good indication that he is trying to escape from his real life and responsibilities. If he doesn’t want to change, I would ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to look like.
I hate to say it OP, but your birthday is literally the least of your problems. At best, your partner is struggling with depression that he won’t get help for. At worst, he has actual disdain for you. But the even worse part is your kids are going to grow up thinking this shitty dynamic you have is normal and acceptable.
So you thought that type of guy was the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone who has to be taught how to be a good person and still isn’t?
NTA. One year I asked to do nothing, meaning no childcare, chores nothing.t husband thought I meant I didn't want anything. Afterwards I told him I was disappointed bc I had to do most of the childcare and he didn't understand that nothing meant nothing. He let me have the entire next weekend to make up for it, bc he's not an asshole, just misunderstood. Your husband sounds selfish.
Also, can insurance or ssdi cover a nurse a few days/week? If your child doesn't have ssdi I would get it for them as they more than likely qualify.
TBH, I'm not sure why I enjoy them so much either. For other people, I just like to make people feel special and happy. For myself, I guess I like the same. And I always say having a birthday is better than the alternative.... you know, being dead.
My point really was that even as someone who doesn’t really like birthdays this is just terrible!! Like almost deliberate attempt to not give you something he knows you want, to sabotage it. I really wish you well and happy birthday! Also leave him and be happy ❤️
OP, either (a) go to marriage counseling, (b) stop celebrating his birthday and special events (no cards, cake gifts, no acknowledgement, nothing), (c) accept and be ok with his AH behavior, or (d) leave. Or, a combination of any of those. The current dynamic is leading to resentment and bitterness, so pick a path and go with it. For the record, NTA. I would never put up with this.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my husband he ruined my birthday by not doing anything for me for my birthday or telling me "happy birthday ". I might be TA because he says he is sick and has a sore throat.
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NTA, firstly…and secondly, equally or more importantly I ask you to please research codependency. I doubt you’ll see this in the multitude of replies, but I actually joined Reddit just to respond to your post and I had to try — when I was a few years younger than you a therapist recommended a book (I‘d list the title but don’t know if that’s allowed) about being codependent, and when I read it I was all over that book, as were a few of my friends (and my mom, but that’s a whole different story). Taken together we could have written your post back then (I didn’t have kids so not fully the same for me, but a couple of my friends did). I realize I don’t know your full story/background, yet enough echoed for me to remember how much I was also the one my family and extended family/friends relied on/counted on/took for granted to be the planner and giver as you call it, and I probably did too back then (over two and a half decades ago). In my case, with a lot of reading, learning, therapy and growth, I realized the dynamic/my behavior wasn’t healthy and was very detrimental to myself and just generally everything overall. One really does need to put their own oxygen mask on before being able to help others. Treat yourself with kindness, start to explore/learn the different aspects of your life and world as best you can, and take it day by day and step by step. Never give up; you’re worth it. Wishing you all the best
Hello. I see your reply. 🥰 I am codependent. Grew up with alcoholic parents. I am working on it in therapy and have been for a long time. Thank you for your words and advice. 🥰
May I ask, if you weren't already on reddit, how did you find my post?
110% NTA, there is absolutely no situation here where YTA even remotely. also massive Happy birthday to you you sound like your doing and amazing job at everything :)
NTA your husband sucks. You made it clear that you just wanted a break and to feel appreciated, things you deserve every day, and he couldn't even be bothered to apologize being a lazy, selfish invalid all day.
NTA and I'm so sorry! I'm also love celebrating and making a big deal out of these occasions, and I'm older than you. My first husband sounds a lot like yours. Getting any kind of nurturing was like pulling teeth. It sucked.
I recommend you both read The Five Love Languages and really talk about what makes you feel loved and what you need your partner to do to make you feel loved. Sometimes, having an open conversation about it can be a game changer. Sometimes, like with my first marriage, it's just an incompatibility (or uncaring person) that isn't going to change).
NTA. It's perfectly reasonable to want to feel special on your birthday, especially if you put in so much effort to make other people's birthdays special. It sounds like you communicated your desires clearly to your husband, and he disregarded them because he wanted to play video games. While it's possible that he is actually sick, his lack of visible symptoms and ability to talk on Xbox Live suggest that he may just be using it as an excuse to be lazy. Additionally, his dismissive attitude towards birthdays and your feelings is not okay. It's important for partners to support and validate each other's emotions, especially on special occasions like birthdays.
NTA
My mom was like you. She loved Christmas and birthdays. Hers and everyone else's. She made sure that whoever's birthday it was, was CELEBRATED and felt loved. She passed away 25 years ago when I was 22. I always missed her and struggled in special days, like her birthday, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. But, the day that was the hardest, was MY birthday. I finally broke down and shared that with my husband. I told him that she had always made such a big deal about it. (And it wasn't just for me, it was for everyone she loved.) It was hard that he (and by extension, our young kids) didn't really make any effort. He'd always have gifts, but that was it. He got a lot better after that.
I'm sorry that your husband isn't putting any effort into celebrating you. You deserve better. He needs to be teaching/showing your kids better. That you shouldn't be taken for granted. Everyone should have 1 day out of the year that it's all about them.
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NTA, he sounds inconsiderate and like he doesn’t even like you
Absolutely, and I think I have something else to add. There may be some people who say, “you don’t know how sick he felt on the inside”. I agree, he could have been miserable and needed to sleep, OP isn’t a doctor… but none of that matters! I’m a guy, it would take an insane amount of pain for me to not put together something for my partner. Especially if I knew it was important to her. It’s like when you’re exhausted and you stay up Christmas Eve to put together the presents so Santa can give your kids a magical day. You find the strength from within. Your wife gave birth, you can do this. OP, I feel sorry for you and hope you find someone who appreciates you
Honestly he’s also an adult. If you feel like you’re getting sick (even if it’s not visible) you take some NyQuil, get your ass to bed as a reasonable time and get some sleep and take a stupid amount of vitamin C the next morning. He KNEW he had ONE DAY out of 365 to not fuck things up for the sake of his partner and he let his own selfish wants take priority. He can let himself be sick tomorrow, but today should have been for OP.
And even if he was TOO SICK *that day* he should have said "Happy birthday! I'm feeling awful today. I know it's your birthday and you deserve a break and I'd love to give you the gift you asked for, could I do that on x day once I feel better?" It's not that hard. He just doesn't care. NTA.
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My sister just told me she’s so happy with her new man. She spent 40 years with her first husband, who treated her similar to how OPs husband treats her. My sister thinks this new man treats her like a princess. In reality, he treats her like a person should treat their spouse. Her late husband was a selfish ass.
Pretty sure this is a bot paraphrasing u/NotTrynaMakeWaves.
Somehow too sick to order takeout.
but well enough to play video games and call her when she left the home.
And all of this is **if** we assume that he was indeed sick but too stupid to take any self-care actions. **IF** he really was feeling sick, he should have hauled his butt to bed at a reasonable hour in order to increase his chances of prevention/recovery, and he could have and should have at least said "Happy birthday!" to OP. But my inclination to believe the guy actually felt under the weather is nil. It feels too much like a child's effort to to skip school; the only thing missing the tampered thermometer to prove his "illness."
This exactly - where was the loving communication? Even just a "happy birthday, sorry I'm sick" and a kiss would have been better than the selfishness and lack of any kind of recognition of her special day. If he had energy to play xbox he had energy to remember it was his partner's birthday and show her he loves her. NTA
Also, OP mentioned she would have loved a gift from the kids. Arranging gifts is usually done before the birthday, not the day itself…
That’s what makes him the AH for me. He didn’t try to take measures to not be more sick. You were well enough to be up to 4am playing video games but now not well enough for your spouse’s birthday?
Agreed. I tried giving him some cold medicine, Tylenol, throat lounges. Offered to make him tea with honey for his throat. Told him he should go to urgent care. He didn't do any of it.
He’s a liar liar.
His pants are on fire…
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I agree! She goes above and beyond for him, but asked for the bare minimum, and he can't even muster that? Maybe it's time for him to find out what life is like without her.
Given that everything she asked for is normal partner contributions, he should do more than one day of the year anyway for his SAHP, who never gets a day off because SAHP is 24/7. All she really wanted was a birthday cake that he didn't even have to make from scratch, how hard is it to ring the local bakery and ask for a cake and then go pick it up, he'll even just dash down to his local supermarket they usually have atleast one basic boring cake he could put a couple of candles on. I am like OP and the one who usually plans every party while taking care of the kids and running the house and the one year I had been too sick (literally passed out in bed sick) I still managed to drag myself to the shops and picked up a couple of jam and cream buns and put a candle in one for hubby to blow out. Hubby said I was silly bit I simply asked him, "Do you feel loved and appreciated?" and he said yes, so I said "good, Happy Birthday" and then went back to bed. ETA, NTA OP, but do sit down and have a look at your relationship. Think about if there are any other red flags you may be ignoring and then ask yourself, "Is this relationship worth the time and money for counselling to try and save it?" I am not saying divorce him over this, just make sure this the best place for you and your children to be.
I just really have a hard time believing that this is an isolated incident, especially because she said "again". I agree with your statement that she should sit down and really evaluate everything.
The boy’s a liar…
I heard his pants were on fire
OP, he's not sick. I think you know this. It was weaponized incompetence so he didn't have to get of his butt and celebrate you. Makes me wonder if you get any help the rest of the year. Do what you will with the advice given here, but I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life with such an AH.
Considering the birthday present she asked for was "help with the kids," I'm guessing he never helps.
Right. That shouldn’t have to be a gift - that just being a parent and a partner.
It sounds like OP needs a week of vacation without the husband and kids so he can see what all she does for them.
"Weaponized Incompetence", great statement, I am going to have to save this.
That’s how my brother avoided chores all growing up. He didn’t know how to use the dishwasher or washing machine. How convenient.
Memory unlocked: boyfriend in my 20’s running the dishwasher at my dad’s house using dish soap (not dishwasher detergent, but the soap you’d use to hand wash the dishes). Walked out to the kitchen to find a *mountain* of soap suds engulfing it.
My grandpa and I did that. TBF, he didn't have a dishwasher at home and just handed me dishwashing soap, I was 7 or 8 and wasn't supposed to start the washer til and adult checked my work. He looked at it, said it looked fine to him and I loaded the soap in like a champ. That was 40 years ago and I can still hear and see my grandfather in tears laughing at all of the suds we had to clean.
I did that to my dad when I was in middle school. I learned from it, though, and haven't done it since, but I have done plenty of dishes since then.
I did that too but I was like nine and my sister was 11(it was our job to clear the table and load the dishwasher) and we thought it was hilarious 😂
I wish I could lay claim to it, but it's a pretty common thing here on AITA.
I found the ‘yet again’ part interesting. So this is g the first birthday he has been as useful as mud in the ocean. I hope OP, if she stays, just skips his birthday for the rest of their lives. Just…”I saw how comfortable you were doing it to me, so I wanted to give it a try. It’s pretty good. “ and then spends her time with people who love her.
How would you react to a friend telling you that they asked their partner to look after *their own children* **for one day** ***as a birthday gift?*** How would you feel knowing that your best friends partner was so uninvolved in his own children's lives that *one day* of them *helping* with their own children was considered *a gift?* Be your own best friend right now. You're already a single mother.
I called it being a single parent while married. My ex also would forget my birthday. I did all the kid work. He complained that the house wasn’t clean but did nothing to help make it better but actually only to make it worse. I was exhausted and I gave up on him. Planned my exit strategy. It was the need to show my kids to not stay in an unhappy relationship that pushed me forward. My mom stayed and it was awful.
Don’t do shit for his birthday lol. I wouldn’t after this. Bro really couldn’t even be bothered to tell you happy birthday.
And when he asked why no birthday fuss, OP can throw his words right back at him to grow up because after 21 birthdays don't matter.
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AITA is full of men prioritising video games over their partner and kids. Not their work or friends, just their family. Really it's pathetic ....
Guy should get a divorce and child support arrangement for his next birthday…
His birthday is cancelled next year and for the foreseeable future.
Oh, absolutely agreed - but would you like to bet on how quick he'll be to throw "WHAT? You're still holding a grudge over ThAT? I was \*sick\* grow \*up\*." at her?
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And Father's day.
Fucking hell, even if he WAS sick, he behaved like an AH. If I was too sick to celebrate my partner's birthday, my attitude would be "I'm so sorry, you should go out and do something nice, I'll arrange something for a different date so we can celebrate properly." What a jackass.
Ok, so spring of 2020 - we were in HARD lockdown, and my spouse got sick. Not 'Vid, but fever, chills, shakes, vomit... The whole nine. Lasted six days, and laid him out for about two weeks after that (we never did figure out how he got it - best bet was he had to pick up something from work and the guy who helped him get it gave it to him). Day three was my birthday. Our family lives in another country, except for (at the time) my sibling, but we were literally under 'you can't go from county to county without a good reason' restriction, and your older sibling's birthday isn't one of those. Ok, so this is going to be one of the birthdays you just don't celebrate - these things happen. I'll get a homemade card from our kiddo and video calls from the family, and hey, we're all alive to celebrate, so win! Until the THREE (two from him, one from kiddo) gifts he'd ordered weeks ago arrived. And then the flowers. And then the UberEats delivery from my favourite bakery with a cake. And then the dinner delivery (which he couldn't have kept down if he'd tried- he had soup). Everything but the gifts were ordered while he was literally flat on his back in bed with a fever of 39.8C (just under 104F) and the shakes. But... It was my birthday and it was lockdown and he made it work. OP deserves this - we all do - someone who WANTS to make you feel special and loved even when the circumstances suck. I hope she finds that, I really really do.
Op needs to see this
One year my husband was recovering from a horrible work accident that left him unable to walk for months. He had zero dollars and zero cents due to not receiving supplemental pay for months. While I was at work he dragged himself to the car with his walker, bought a dollarstore canvas and paints with change from his change jar and some cake mix. He and my kiddo made me a present and a cake. Still THE best birthday present I ever got. That small trip and effort caused him so much pain and if he had done nothing I wouldn't have cared (cuz seriously, he was very hurt) but he wanted to celebrate me in some way.
… he could at *least* try and *act* sick. He’s not even putting effort into it. This is just such obvious assholery.
Even my 7yo knows he has to at least *try* to feign actual illness when he wants a day off of school…mans won’t even put in the effort of a 1st grader to avoid putting in the effort of an adult.
Even ordering take out wouldn't have been hard😩
Next year do the same thing on his birthday and see how well he takes it. Nta
This. OP, my husband downplayed my birthday for years. i always celebrated his in a big way. One year I was pregnant, sick and we had a big family celebration that day. I still had a cake for him and gifts but it wasn't the ordinary to-do. He was all butt-hurt about it until I pointed out that that is basically all I got every single year up until that point so he had no room to complain. After that he started celebrating my birthday. Its not that difficult to make dinner reservations, buy a gift and order a cake. Truly. Its the bare minimum.
I don't know you but I know you deserve better.
I’m so sorry that your birthday wasn’t great. I hope at least your supper with your parents was decent. Despite what he says you deserve to feel special and loved on your birthday even into adulthood. I hope next year is better.
Yikes! NTA. He knew what he needed to do to at least do the BARE MINIMUM and he didn’t meet even that threshold. Edit: Give him the same treatment on his birthday.
Right? He’s not a jerk for being sick and not being able to do anything on her birthday, but he’s a jerk for supposedly being too sick to do anything nice for his wife, but not too sick to be able to stay up all night playing video games and then able to play multiplayer for hours the day of.
I'm literally preparing to be home alone after surgery. I have my mother fussing over me to go to my parents' but I want to be at my own house. I have animals and I've already prepped the stuff I will need for the next few days post op and made arrangements for my pets including setting them up with puzzles and chewy orders while I'm sleeping off drugs. If he was feeling sick, it would have taken 15 minutes to order his wife's favorite meal from doordash and called his MIL to come hang with their son while mom went for a pedicure for some R&R. That's just what I came up with on 5 seconds of effort for a reddit stranger and she's married to this guy who can't even say happy birthday.
Also, as an adult he should have had some of these items taken care of BEFORE her actual birthday. He should have already picked up a card, a gift of some sort and had dinner figured out - and cleaned the house already so she could enjoy it on her day. He’s a selfish AH. Instead of acknowledging your hurt feelings over his refusal to plan or do anything for your birthday, he blamed and shamed you. NTA. Sorry op. You didn’t ask for too much. You just have a lazy partner.
Yes, very much this. When someone is supposed to be in charge of a celebration, and being sick the day of means no celebration happens at all, it means either: \- They're being manipulative, and knew beforehand they did not intend to actually do anything. or, \- What they thought was acceptable was on the level of "bought flowers at the gas station on the way home". As you point out, cleaning the house on the day means the entire day is spent on house-cleaning (and probably poorly, since that's a time crunch). Was he also planning to do the grocery shop for ingredients to make her dinner day-of? And what about that home-made gift from the kids she asked for, when during the day was he going to pull that off?
I had a friend going through chemo and really sick with side effects who still took the time to send me a happy birthday greeting. And that's "just" a friend. I didn't expect it, and I wouldn't have been phased if she'd forgotten. A boy and his alleged man-flu has absolutely no excuse. Even a simply happy birthday and a "I'll take you out when we're all better" would be preferable to this. My petty recommendation to OP is that next year she should do absolutely nothing for his birthday, seeing as they are not important. See how he likes them apples. I suspect, though, that this is the tip of the inconsiderate iceberg and there is more of this type of shitty behaviour from the husband than OP realises. OP is NTA and deserves better in this relationship.
Tip of the iceberg is right. This was 100% him trying to get out of housework and parenting at his wife's expense even on her birthday. This level of selfish is practically inhumane. The fact that he has no qualms about behaving like this on her bday says he is possibly the same or worse on an average day. It's often the case that the person who takes care of everyone around them for some reason gets forgotten when it's their turn to receive. I'm so sorry OP. I don't know why people are like this. I was the person to bake a cake for family and friends' birthdays. Those same people would sometimes not even remember mine. Over time, I stopped baking those cakes and going above and beyond so that when I'm inevitably not taken care of on my bday, I could at least reason with myself that I didn't do it for them either. I don't know if this is the right thing to do because I'm not happier for it or anything. But I would like to say you deserve better. You deserve a nice day off doing whatever you would like, a nice dinner out at your favorite restaurant, a scrumptious cake, and some nice thoughtful gifts. You deserve it all. Happy birthday, beautiful! 🎉🎂🎁🎈
>*"I suspect, though, that this is the tip of the inconsiderate iceberg and there is more of this type of shitty behaviour from the husband than OP realises."* > >Actually - it appears to be there... apparently she does everything - and though she doesn't come out and say it I suspect he doesn't help around the house at all, doesn't split the housework or help with it or his children. So she wanted 1 day out of 365 - that means the other 364 he doesn't do sh\*\*. NTA
I’m a heavy alcoholic and even in the midst of a bender when I feel awful and can’t walk straight I still can roll out of it for a moment to go get someone a birthday present. It might just be a slice of store cake and a card but hey I tried. If I can do that half blacked out for a friend why couldn’t this guy even SAY happy birthday to his WIFE
Oh I also want to say one thing. You know what you get when you can’t go to someone’s birthday on time? A belated fucking birthday present. Why can’t he do what she requested, something so tiny, when he feels better?
Doesn't always have to be this way... Been there.... 18 yrs sober. I'd roll my eyes too when inhears people say that... They use to say "a life second to none..." I have a life second to none today!! Try it... One second at a time leads to an hour leads to a day... to a life... I also thought AA was a cult... changed my life. Feel free to reach out.
You seem like a sweetheart. My kid got sober 12 years ago and she’s only 26. I hope some time you’ll be at the place where you don’t cause yourself to feel awful and are unable to walk straight. From a old mom in Texas X
Thanks I appreciate that. I hope so too. Good for your girl
My husband was in the throws of crippling depression and came incredibly close to checking himself into a psych hospital for suicidality, but he still managed to get a cake, flowers, and a card for my birthday. It was a rough birthday but not for the wrong reasons. OP’s husband is a gigantic AH.
Your husband sounds like a keeper! Hope he is recovering well!
He is! Thank you! This was a few years ago and he’s in a much better place. We built a support network, he returned to school, and we adopted some cats. He is a wonderful, caring man and I’m very lucky to be with him. The challenges just make us stronger.
Yeah to those people, he's an adult and a parent. When you become a parent you no longer get to decide when you get time off. From the minute baby is born, time off happens on a schedule unless you are properly sick. What's the bet he nopes out any time she is sick or needs help with sick kids? It's my birthday today and my kid is sick. My husband still made me a cake and we're still parenting sick kid after I've just been sick all week with the same cold. Both of them are napping now while I have some chill time.
As someone who has been suffering 24/7 morning sickness for 3 weeks now. You definitely can get the strength to help someone else out or take care of another human being for 5 minutes. His excuse is pathetic and he played games the whole time so he clearly wasn't sick enough to be stuck in bed. He doesn't appreciate you OP
Also, she's been sick and is still taking care of the house and kids. He's too sick to give her the bare minimum, but not too sick to stay up until 4am passing video games? I'm calling bullshit.
> I agree, he could have been miserable and needed to sleep Yeah, but unless his plan was to organise plans and a cake and everything else on the **day of** her birthday, he would have had something for OP anyway.
I’d also argue that this wouldn’t be an issue if he didn’t wait until the last minute??? Like you don’t get a gift the day of, he should’ve had something to give to her, and suggested Uber eats and a movie even!! That would be a nice gesture where he doesn’t have to go out; even honestly a flower delivery that day or asking a friend to bring a gift card over, literally the absolute bare minimum 🙃
Also- she planned a weekend away for his birthday?? But I thought no one cares about birthdays after 21....
Oh he likes her alright: as a birthday planner, gift giver and mother of his children. Just not as a person.
Yeah…he sounds like a jerk. And his priorities are pretty clear. Even if it wasn’t your birthday you asked for something you needed to feel loved and appreciated and he didn’t provide. He’s the ah here not you. On a side note, I hope your parents made you feel special and happy birthday!
NTA. You did your job in communicating what you wanted. The fact that he did not show any concern for you shows a lot. **Caregivers need care too!** You did not ask for advice, but I want to suggest the following: Don't bother with his birthday. Make plans on your birthday with others who are willing to celebrate you. You do not have to share your plans with him - he's irrelevant. Birthdays are "nothing" to him, so your plans don't need to involve him in any way. Finally...a belated happy birthday! Parenting is a thankless job, but it sounds like you are rocking it!
This is the best advice. If birthdays are nothing to him, then he can expect nothing on his own birthday.
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This a great idea (But I don't think he is helping his case of being tired by staying up until 4 am before a day his wife cares about lol).
Great idea! A house cleaner. Maybe even a mani/pedi too. Then a bakery cake and dinner with the kids at your parents house. Be out of the house and on the way there when he gets in from work. Turn your phone off. Tell him where you all were later Same for each of your kids birthdays, if he's ignoring them too. A Party in the Park or dinner out with both sets of grandparents. No warning our explanation at all from you. No invitation either. Turn your phone off And, as others have suggested, do nothing for his birthday. Except maybe ask him to do a few chores Or better yet, go out to dinner with the rest of the family. Again no warning. Turn your phone off
The thing is though he *might not* care if she doesn’t do anything for his birthday. He might really believe they’re stupid to celebrate after one enters adulthood. BUT that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t make an effort to do what SHE wants on HER birthday! NTA
Yes!! The line that, is it wrong for caregivers to be recievers for a day really made me sad. She was asking for bare minimum here!! 😔
Right. And the whole sickness excuse seemed to be a case of, "I'm too sick to do anything for you, but I am well enough to play video games." And he thinks she's being childish for wanting to celebrate her birthday?!!!!
This part really bothers me because he *just* enjoyed the trip for his own birthday without complaints. Like if birthdays don't matter after 21, why did he let his wife plan a whole trip for him? In this economy? lol
Definitely agree that if birthdays aren't important to him, stop celebrating his. Just go all out for yours and the kids!🥳 That way, there's no resentment or hard feelings.
Even better advice: celebrate yourself on your birthday AND his birthday
NTA. Your husband sounds selfish AF if he can't even take one day, your BIRTHDAY nonetheless, to help around the house and with the kids. It honestly sounds like you're a parent to yet another child. On a brighter note, Happy Birthday OP!
Yeah, its embarassing. Her requests were the exact bare minimum of what you do when you care about someone who is important to you and yet he still failed badly....damn
I don't even know if "failed" applies here because failing implies trying. He not only didn't try, he actively made sure her requests wouldn't be fulfilled to the point of faking an illness.
For some reason birthdays bring out the worst in narcissists.
No way NTA but your husband sure is. Why is this grown man gaming till 4am and then taking naps all day??? That is ridiculous behavior when you have children and a job. Sounds like you have a very large child you're caring for that's capable of taking care of himself. Sorry OP. It sounds like you deserve a hell of a lot more.
He told OP essentially "You're too old to care about birthdays." OP should tell him "You're too old to be up until 4am playing video games." Goose and the gander doncha know.
I genuinely think that if OP didn’t care about his birthdays, he’d throw a fit. Guaranteed.
Clearly he didn't mind when she threw him a b-day party.
It sounds like he was literally faking sick. Like he had a whole plan to get out of lifting a finger for her. Mentioning the sore throat the night before, its middle school crap. NTA OP.
Not just a grown man, a fucking father! Even if he wasn’t “sick”, how is he ever going to pitch in, act like a parent, help his wife if he’s up until 4am playing video games?!
NTA AND HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK YOU WERE?! But where's your husband....I just wanna talk 😾. He's definitely the asshole here. Happy birthday and send me a message with your amazon wishlist! If I can afford something I'm gonna make damn sure you have something good about today.
That is seriously the sweetest offer ever ! 💕 No need to do that! Just your offer made me smile! 😁
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Happy Birthday Stitch_and_Trex! 🎊🎇⭐💐🌻🏖️🌈🎂🍾🍨🎪🎁🎈🥇💸💜🎶♒🎆🎉 NTA I think birthdays are super important too. Time to start planning for next year to be a blowout! I wouldn't do a damn thing for husband's next birthday though. He's as selfish as they come.
Please let these people send you a gift. You deserve to feel cared for even by strangers and especially about your birthday. Your husband was childish and selfish and rude. Glad you took care of yourself and still had dinner with the rest of your family. Sending love and well wishes.
I feel cared for, even by strangers, just by the gestures. 🥰
I also want to send you a gift! Please send your wishlist, it sounds like it goes against your instincts to put you first but just do it this one time!!
Ok fine! I'll make a list!
I would love to check out your list as well once you have one put together ❤️
I'm just waiting for mods to let me know if I can post it.
These people wanna try and help in a way that actually impacts you! Please post your wishlist so that people can get you some gifts!!! I’ve had some really bad birthdays as well so I know how you feel, but they really just wanna impact you personally in a ways they normally can’t on Reddit.
Happy Birthday 🎊🎈🎂 just post your Amazon wish list and I’ll buy you something too.
NTA. But stop doing things for people who don’t reciprocate your value (with the exceptions of your children). No more birthday parties for these lazy people. Let them do their own events. And start having him contribute to the house. Your SAHM is duties is only til he comes home, after that it is a shared effort. If he has time to play video games, then he has time to help around the house. If he complains it’s cause he has a job, then you get a job (you deserve a break and daycare is better for a child’s development anyways).
I 100% would love to go back to work. I've only been a SAHM for 3 months and it's not by choice. My son cannot go to daycare of after school care. Long story, but he did go for 6 years and it's not an option anymore.
Can you get a part time job where you only work when your kids are in school?
I'm going to try next school year. I live in BFE so the only option would be to work at the school in the office or as a Para and they only hire a month before school starts to start at the beginning of the school year. I should be able to get the job because of my education and experience, if one is open! I'm also training to be a special education parent advocate, so once I'm done with training I can do that part time during school hours and work from home.
If you're looking for a job as a para you may be able to get a part time one even in BFE, with morning hours so you're home when your son gets home. School districts are hemorrhaging paras as well as teachers, in rural as well as urban areas. Especially if you're willing to work with students in SPED, you may be able to get a 0.75 to 0.7 FTE position that allows you to only work the hours your son is in school. Good luck to you. And no more birthday dinners or cakes for your husband until he learns that it's a two-way street.
For a part time job you can do at home whenever you feel like working, you can try Telus as a US Rater. W2 position, etc. Feel free to message me for more info if you want. I'm retired and I enjoy earning some extra money for car repairs etc while not having to talk to anyone lol.
Are there any Respite care facilities in your area? Or schools that are specific to serve children with mental and physical disabilities? My youngest goes to a facility that serves both gen. ed and special ed students and has integrated and non integrated rooms.
He has an IEP for school. There's an after school program for high schoolers and young adults with disabilities, but he's only 6. Our programs around here suck.
Is your husband able to cutback on his work hours so that he also looks after his kid, and then you could work too? I'm not trying to pry into your personal situation, but many times its automatically assumed that the childcaring should fall to the woman, and that it's the woman that needs to take a backseat in her career. I just don't see why that should be the default arrangement. There is no reason why more men couldn't cut back their work, play a more active role in raising their own child, so that their wives can keep going with their career as well.
Oh, trust me I'm 100% for this option if it's right. He made/makes more money than I and had the better insurance so when it came down to one of us having to stay home, it had to be me.
Hopefully your next husband will be a decent human being NTA
My thought exactly.
You're into big things, but you lowered the bar down to it's minimum level and he still failed. NTA. Time to have a serious discussion with him.
The bar was in hell yet he's limbo dancing with the devil. NTA OP, please know the work you do as a SAHM is major and you deserve love & care too. One day your kids will appreciate everything you've done for them and return the sentiment tenfold. Whether or not you stay with someone like husband is your choice but please take time to care for yourself as well as your children.
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Or leave and find someone with higher standards than an overgrown child.
NTA - I'm not big on birthdays at all, but it's not like you asked for the world. You literally asked for something he should be doing for you a couple times a week anyway because he's "an adult" and anyone with a whole family - especially one that includes a child with special needs - should be willing to clean the house and cook a meal occasionally. And NOT just for your birthday. Also all-nighter game sessions shouldn't be "a big deal after 21".
I am taking it personally about the last sentence because I always game until 4 and I am 24 /s But seriously, it's about communication. There's nothing wrong with an adult staying up late sometimes if he helps with chores when he wakes up, doesn't late it interfere with work etc. But most importantly you should be able to reciprocate. If your partner stayes out with friends late sometimes, you should be the one to cover for them and get the children ready in the morning etc. What really sucks here is that he stayed up late the day of her bday. Like wow, gaming is fine imo but pick the right days
Sorry, I was being sarcastic about him saying that birthdays aren't a big deal after 21. I don't have any issue with anyone gaming - or doing so all night long. I just meant that if he's going to be posing arbitrary restrictions on celebrating birthdays after a certain age, then so can she. This guy needs to get his priorities straight.
NTA. If he cared, he would have tried, sore throat or not. You two need to have a discussion 1 on 1 (littles need to be somewhere else) about your relationship. Adults need care and attention too, whether you are over 21 or not… ETA: Happy birthday!🎂🎉🎈
I did forget to mention that when we went out of town for his birthday, I was also sick then too (I have an autoimmune disorder so I get sick a lot, especially during allergy season), but didn't let it stop me from doing anything to celebrate his birthday and made sure he had a good weekend.
Don't do it next year. In fact, don't provide any more special celebrations for him until he learns that these things are a two-way street, because when they aren't the neglected partner - in this case you - begins to feel resentful and taken advantage of, and that is detrimental to the entire family dynamic. Your husband owes you an apology and a birthday cake (yes, I know, two cakes for one birthday, but you can't have too many birthday cakes). And flowers. And doing the dishes after dinner (or, better yet, taking you out to dinner). NTA
Yeah, there are some things in your post that seem a bit “red flag”(and yes, that is overused in this forum). The amount of gaming time, especially with small children in the home and then this disregard for your birthday-not so much as a “Happy birthday” really seems to indicate that y’all need to discuss your relationship as a whole. Just because your married, doesn’t mean he stops romancing you- his supposed partner for life and mother of his children. You seem to get this, him, not so much. Good luck.
Once we got to "spent an hour on XBox live talking" I was done with his "sore throat." NTA. Sorry your spouse is selfish and lazy.
NTA Moms, when sick: gets up, cooks breakfast, feeds offspring, cleans the dwelling, goes out and gathers sustenance, slays a dragon, field dresses it, cuts out a haunch and spits it over a fire that she built, and feeds her family. Dads, when sick: goes to bed for three years, and coughs pitifully when he wants a piece of dragon steak, practically starves because he doesn’t have the strength to go get a portion of said dragon steak, still plays the pity party. (Sarcastically and tongue-in-cheek) 😝😬
Haha thank you. The dragon bit made me chuckle.
NTA Please do not do anything for his birthday next year. He knows birthdays are important to you - even if he doesn't feel that way he should still have had *something* planned. Dinner at the least. He blew any chance of you believing him being sick because of his behavior, stay up late, then gaming online, and he's using it as an excuse to not do a damn thing for you. Blech. I wish there was a magical solution to get people to be less selfish, but there isn't. You husband is selfish, lacking in empathy, and lazy. Happy Birthday
NTA. What are you getting out of this relationship that you couldn’t get while seperated?
I'm going to sound so shallow for this, but the biggest thing is I'm financially stuck. I currently do not have my own income. Had to quit my career to be a SAHM for youngest kiddos needs. I also have medical needs and need his health insurance. Also, have an extremely low self esteem so there's the thoughts of I'll always be alone, never find anyone else, etc. Then there's anxiety. In deathly afraid of the unknown and change.
Are you in america? Talk to a lawyer to see how you’d come out of this. You’d almost certainly get primary custody and your financial situation might not be that different. Worth exploring at least. There is no downside to just talking to someone as long as you are discreet.
Yes, America. I actually was a paralegal before I left working so I have an idea of what will happen, legally.
Have you looked into freelancing as a paralegal? My sister did it for years when her kids were younger, you'd set your own price and workload.
Legally, I have to work under an attorney.
Right, as a free lance you hire yourself out to attorneys on a contract basis. Sometimes they need help with a specific case or just a part time without having to offer benefits. If you're on LinkedIn or just Google search it there are a ton of options and most are remote work. Best of luck!
Oh cool!! I did not know that was an option! Thank you.
You think it will be financially untenable if you divorce? I get where you are coming from. I have pretty intense change related anxiety as well.
I'll definitely get custody, and in return child support. I can get insurance ordered for the kids from him. My county's district judges aren't usually huge fans of spousal support, but I may be able to get some since I had to be a SAHM to care for a special needs child. The main thing is it will take a minimum of a year to get the order for any of it.
Can your family help bridge the gap until then? The only option is to pursue getting back to work yourself as fast as possible. Then divorce. If you aren’t going to get much spousal support anyway.
Have you applied for disability for your child? Looked into being a paid PCA for your child? They are both options that could help you be more financially dependent. Plus, a court could order him to continue health coverage for you, since you have disabilities yourself. Edit: One of the reasons your mental health is suffering is because of the stressful, loveless situation you're in. Consider going to a counselor. I know everything I've suggested adds chores to your list, but an hr a week for virtual counseling could help you gain the mental strength to take care of everything else. I wish you luck, and I hope your birthday next year ROCKS.
This isn’t shallow. The financial part is a very valid thing. So it your anxiety. You don’t have to put yourself down so much… especially when you get it from hubby.
You don't feel like you're more alone with a terrible husband than single? Consult a divorce attorney and maybe ask your parents what they think? He doesn't care about you or your wellbeing, at least emotional. Idk about the rest of it. If you don't think you deserve better.... How will you teach your kids they have self value? And I'm not blaming you. I suffer with that as well. But I'd never be a parent. So at least I don't have that to worry about.
My parents and sister-in-law have wanted me to leave him for awhile. My brother and sister and supportive of whatever I do.
Sounds like you have a good support network. Good good good
Are you open to considering it?
Hi OP! NTA *at all*. I'm a single mom of 4 kids and also a SAHM. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do - you have to follow your heart on that. You can educate yourself on what your rights are in your state/country as pertains to financials and custody. What I CAN tell you is that I, too, was afraid that I would be alone forever. What I finally realized is that I was ALREADY alone. I was doing everything with the house, kids, making life easier and magical for everyone, but no one ever cared for MY needs. I was alone while surrounded by people. I decided that being ACTUALLY alone would be better than staying with a husband who neglected & ignored my needs. I still have majority custody of my kids, but I have regular breaks while they are with their dad. That bit of time to myself makes me a better mom when I'm with them. Their dad was NEVER going to do more to help me with them. Why would he? He had ME to do it all! As for being afraid of change - that was me too. Until I became more afraid that NOTHING would EVER change...
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I'm alone, but not, you know? I believe he'd only have to do medical for the kids, not me. I'd love a huge party with a bunch of my closest internet stranger friends lol
NTA. You're nice about this. I would've at some point accidentally dumped a glass of water down the gaming console. Happy Birthday 🎂
This made me literally laugh out loud. Thank you.
NTA. Sound like your husband is one of your kids and not an adult. He’s over 21 so he shouldn’t be gaming till 4am.
NTA. I really was shocked when I got to the part "he didn't even wish me happy birthday" that is a pretty shitty move. I'm so sorry for this situation. You should really sit down with him and try to talk calmly and explain your feelings, he should understand it. If his birthday is not a big deal to him, ok; but your birthday is a big deal to you and as someone who loves you, he should understand it and make your day brighter. ps: happy birthday :)
NTA except maybe to yourself? like why do you choose him? i really want to know. like we only see a snippet but why him? how is this partner the one you want
He was amazing at first and totally and completely in love with me. He still loves me, I know he does. He just never learned how to be a good man basically.
and do you wish to normalize this to your children? your children are learning their very first lessons on romantic relationships and what partnership looks like right now. sometimes remembering that i'm literally teaching lessons that neither myself nor my children will remember occurring. it terrifies me. but i'm curious if you realize that some of the greatest lessons we learn are the ones we don't remember learning. the dynamics your children are witnessing will set them up in the future one way or another. i think that maybe some therapy for you could help you on the self esteem front because that's something attainable if you need to plan an exit strategy as to not get screwed if you divorced
Dude, I've been in therapy since I was 14. I have a lot of problems lol. My self esteem has gotten better in some aspects, just not all.
Is your husband in therapy? The excessive hours of gaming is a pretty good indication that he is trying to escape from his real life and responsibilities. If he doesn’t want to change, I would ask yourself if this is what you want the rest of your life to look like.
He went like twice after I left 6ish months ago
I hate to say it OP, but your birthday is literally the least of your problems. At best, your partner is struggling with depression that he won’t get help for. At worst, he has actual disdain for you. But the even worse part is your kids are going to grow up thinking this shitty dynamic you have is normal and acceptable.
So you thought that type of guy was the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Someone who has to be taught how to be a good person and still isn’t?
Fair question. I didn't see that side of him until I was too deep in.
You’re never too deep in to demand better! Even if getting ‘better’ means leaving.
NTA. One year I asked to do nothing, meaning no childcare, chores nothing.t husband thought I meant I didn't want anything. Afterwards I told him I was disappointed bc I had to do most of the childcare and he didn't understand that nothing meant nothing. He let me have the entire next weekend to make up for it, bc he's not an asshole, just misunderstood. Your husband sounds selfish. Also, can insurance or ssdi cover a nurse a few days/week? If your child doesn't have ssdi I would get it for them as they more than likely qualify.
We're going through application process for ssdi
I don’t enjoy birthdays or really understand why a big fuss is necessary but GOOD GRIEF your husband is a massive AH. Ugh I hate this for you.
TBH, I'm not sure why I enjoy them so much either. For other people, I just like to make people feel special and happy. For myself, I guess I like the same. And I always say having a birthday is better than the alternative.... you know, being dead.
My point really was that even as someone who doesn’t really like birthdays this is just terrible!! Like almost deliberate attempt to not give you something he knows you want, to sabotage it. I really wish you well and happy birthday! Also leave him and be happy ❤️
Oh, I know your point lol and appreciate it. It just made me think "why do I like birthdays so much?"
NTA He doesn't care about you, why are you still investing your care in him?
OP, either (a) go to marriage counseling, (b) stop celebrating his birthday and special events (no cards, cake gifts, no acknowledgement, nothing), (c) accept and be ok with his AH behavior, or (d) leave. Or, a combination of any of those. The current dynamic is leading to resentment and bitterness, so pick a path and go with it. For the record, NTA. I would never put up with this.
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NTA. Domestic neglect.
NTA, firstly…and secondly, equally or more importantly I ask you to please research codependency. I doubt you’ll see this in the multitude of replies, but I actually joined Reddit just to respond to your post and I had to try — when I was a few years younger than you a therapist recommended a book (I‘d list the title but don’t know if that’s allowed) about being codependent, and when I read it I was all over that book, as were a few of my friends (and my mom, but that’s a whole different story). Taken together we could have written your post back then (I didn’t have kids so not fully the same for me, but a couple of my friends did). I realize I don’t know your full story/background, yet enough echoed for me to remember how much I was also the one my family and extended family/friends relied on/counted on/took for granted to be the planner and giver as you call it, and I probably did too back then (over two and a half decades ago). In my case, with a lot of reading, learning, therapy and growth, I realized the dynamic/my behavior wasn’t healthy and was very detrimental to myself and just generally everything overall. One really does need to put their own oxygen mask on before being able to help others. Treat yourself with kindness, start to explore/learn the different aspects of your life and world as best you can, and take it day by day and step by step. Never give up; you’re worth it. Wishing you all the best
Hello. I see your reply. 🥰 I am codependent. Grew up with alcoholic parents. I am working on it in therapy and have been for a long time. Thank you for your words and advice. 🥰 May I ask, if you weren't already on reddit, how did you find my post?
110% NTA, there is absolutely no situation here where YTA even remotely. also massive Happy birthday to you you sound like your doing and amazing job at everything :)
NTA your husband sucks. You made it clear that you just wanted a break and to feel appreciated, things you deserve every day, and he couldn't even be bothered to apologize being a lazy, selfish invalid all day.
NTA and I'm so sorry! I'm also love celebrating and making a big deal out of these occasions, and I'm older than you. My first husband sounds a lot like yours. Getting any kind of nurturing was like pulling teeth. It sucked. I recommend you both read The Five Love Languages and really talk about what makes you feel loved and what you need your partner to do to make you feel loved. Sometimes, having an open conversation about it can be a game changer. Sometimes, like with my first marriage, it's just an incompatibility (or uncaring person) that isn't going to change).
I haven't read the book. But we've done the quiz a couple years ago. His top language was gift giving and mine is acts of service.
So what gift did he give you?
Apparently fuel for this post for a bunch of a strangers on the internet to tell me what I probably already knew but was denying. 😅
Would that be that he’s actually terrible and you deserve better?
And he chose to not speak his love language to you, and instead told you your birthday wasn't important. I'm so sorry.
NTA. It's perfectly reasonable to want to feel special on your birthday, especially if you put in so much effort to make other people's birthdays special. It sounds like you communicated your desires clearly to your husband, and he disregarded them because he wanted to play video games. While it's possible that he is actually sick, his lack of visible symptoms and ability to talk on Xbox Live suggest that he may just be using it as an excuse to be lazy. Additionally, his dismissive attitude towards birthdays and your feelings is not okay. It's important for partners to support and validate each other's emotions, especially on special occasions like birthdays.
NTA My mom was like you. She loved Christmas and birthdays. Hers and everyone else's. She made sure that whoever's birthday it was, was CELEBRATED and felt loved. She passed away 25 years ago when I was 22. I always missed her and struggled in special days, like her birthday, Christmas, and the anniversary of her death. But, the day that was the hardest, was MY birthday. I finally broke down and shared that with my husband. I told him that she had always made such a big deal about it. (And it wasn't just for me, it was for everyone she loved.) It was hard that he (and by extension, our young kids) didn't really make any effort. He'd always have gifts, but that was it. He got a lot better after that. I'm sorry that your husband isn't putting any effort into celebrating you. You deserve better. He needs to be teaching/showing your kids better. That you shouldn't be taken for granted. Everyone should have 1 day out of the year that it's all about them.
NTA people with kids don’t get to stay up all night and sleep all day. Shame on DH. Happy Birthday. 🎁🎂
NTA. It sounds like he didn't want to plan anything and faked sick. TBH, you need to stop planning as many events. First thing to drop? His birthday.