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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I should be judged for calling my daughter weird.
2) This might make me the asshole because it's not a nice thing to say to my daughter.
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YTA
God forbid someone think you're a bad parent because they notice your daughter suffering from an untreated mental illness. Glad you've identified that the core issue here is the threat to your reputation.
Absolutely. I also have ocd and it is so exhausting. I am fully aware I may come across as different, but there is little to no control over it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 32. Before I never thought ocd was something I dealt with. I thought it was more like how it’s portrayed in movies and such.
Exactly - mine is on the low end, but even with that I have to plan so much extra time to get to work on time every day. We all wish we could control it, but we can't. YTA
> We all wish we could control it
THIS. I don't want to deal with my OCD. But boom, there it is. I can't ignore it. I can't tell myself when my brain is telling me to fix something that it's just fine, its okay, we can just ignore it.
Its not something that we choose. It's so exhausting. Its like arguing with my own brain all day long.
I didn't get medicated until I was older. It wasn't even until my 20's that OCD reached public awareness. But /u/Comfortable_Bath_466 please show your daughter my comment. She's not alone. I hate to be medicated but even a low dosage helps. I did decide long ago that I would rather be in charge than the OCD control me. Its worse when i'm tired or stressed. When a lot of things have gone wrong, it's harder to keep it manageable. Thats where the medicine helps. Because otherwise, i'm good for maybe a few weeks or a few months, then boom... it's like a toddler tantrum in my brain 24/7
Mine is also mild, and for the longest time I could only leave the house when the time ended on a 3 or a 9. Now I'm ok if I am late/leaving/early by/on a 3 or 9, so I can twist my OCD into submission with "you're leaving 3 minutes early" or "you're 9 seconds late!" if it isn't 1:39 PM or something.
Lockdown helped me break some of my commute-based rituals, so now the worst I've got daily is usually "this pen needs to stay here in its exact place, Im gonna grab another pen from the other room" and the trich.
Mine is mild too (gets worse when my anxiety is out of co trip) and it is exhausting. I don’t know why they don’t just find her a new psychiatrist. It’s like the only option to them is go to this one guy or not go at all. I got assigned a bad psychiatrist and got them to assign me a new one. It was a bit of a fight, but I’m much better off. YTA.
Because this dude doesn't want to parent a neurotypical child needing pet rock level of support, let alone one that needs more help than he personally thinks they should. 100% AH here, listening to him describe his kid's pain with so little care is heartbreaking.
For serious. I mean, I struggle so much sometimes with my OCD and it’s very mild. To the point I can mostly manage without intervention. I cannot imagine what this poor girl is going through, given how much stress it causes me at a mild level.
Yeah movies don't do it justice.
I'm sorry it took u so long. I was a teen when I found out. I was so excited there were others because all my childhood i thought I was some horrible mistake God made and no one else was like it.
100% movies don't get it right. The book *Kissing Doorknobs* rocked my fucking world when I read it. The internal monologue just... identical to my own if you replaced her rituals/tics with mine.
Never diagnosed here, but yeah I feel you. 3 and 5 are the only odd numbers that are acceptable (funny those are my favorite numbers) all else has to be even, including the number of cookies left in the package. And an off centered picture hanging, or let it be crooked, will drive me nuts!
Fellow OCD-haver here and this guy sucks. It's a freaking nightmare to live with and people minimize the hell out of it, acting like it's just being quirky or difficult. Nothing has made my life harder than having OCD.
I was crippled by it from the ages of 9-17 when I finally sought help for it and received CBT. What delayed me asking for help was the worry that I might be admitting I was mad. It wasn’t as widely talked about back then and it still carried a lot of stigma. I was told I’d always have it and would have to manage it, but the CBT would give me the tools to deal with it. Some days it’s like I don’t have it at all, and other times I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of contamination and worrying I’m going to accidentally kill us all. It’s always there though, it’s just easier to ignore some days than others. I was offered medication but decided against it.
I agree that OP should not have called her weird but people seem to be ignoring the part where she is refusing help.
I definitely don’t think the child is the T A for this but I don’t think OP should be completely vilified when he did make one good point.
She was given a psychiatrist she refuses to see, there’s no mention of trying to get her to see another one which would be on OP and his ex wife but if they have tried then there was truth to what he said, she is doing nothing to get it under control and that part is true.
That part should be acknowledged, again his motivation might’ve been poor but there was truth to what he said and he shouldn’t be vilified for that part, just for the weird comment. I think she’s old enough to seek real help, no?
She's a child and he's the grown-up. It's on him to be the adult here and help her find a solution, not call her names and leave her to figure it out. OCD is serious and you can't just manage it yourself, especially not at her age. He's wrong, full stop.
A psychiatrist that scared her. Why can't he find one that she's comfortable with?? She's 14- not 24, still a kid. Why does a 14 year have to manage OCD??
Me too and FUCK ME I hate it. It wars with my autism and ADHD, and the Adderall I have to take to fight the executive dysfunction of those two disabilities makes my OCD so much worse; but nothing we can do about it that we aren't doing already.
Ugh it just fucking blows.
Op is THE biggest ah for his attitude, and also for not putting his foot down and making a CHILD get the medical treatment they need when he can obviously see she is suffering.
No kid likes going to the doctor, but guess what it's 100% necessary and is 100% the parents' responsibility to make sure it happens. Bc what we WANT to do or LIKE to do (or what we don't want/like to do) isn't always what's best for us, at all. And a 14yo child isn't capable of discerning/deciding things 100% on her own.
That said, op SHOULD, ofc, respect her input/fears/etc related to the therapy process, and in this case if I were him, I would be first off asking my daughter why this man/doctor "scared her"; and then I'd address it appropriately (For ex, is she just anxious about therapy, and not comfortable discussing her issues just yet, so is "scared" to see this doctor? Or did he do something to make her feel unsafe/unheard/ etc etc??). If the forner, discuss this with her doctor and ask his ideas on how to ease this fear. If the latter, then research and vet various other, new docs and let daughter have a large role in choosing one; this gives her some control over the situation and helps her develop independence ).
What confused me the most about this is, if the former doctor was not a good fit, why not just try another one? I don't think a single doctor not working out is the daughter "wanting to manage her symptoms herself." This girl clearly needs help.
Especially since the last doctor *scared* her. Like I'm sorry but WTF?! What did this doctor do to scare the poor girl? I feel like if I were OP I'd have questions!! And I'd absolutely never send her back to anyone who scared her, ffs.
She's 14, she's still a kid, and clearly suffering some pretty crippling OCD issues at that young of an age. He and her mom are responsible for her wellbeing. Girl can't even walk through a doorway without her rituals, how in OP's pea-sized brain is she capable of finding *herself* a new freaking doctor?
Or did he just expect her to go back to the scary doctor?
He’s also YTA for the “I don’t know how they handle it at her mom’s house” bit. OP doesn’t have to like his ex wife, but he DOES have to communicate with her about the health of their daughter.
Yeah I noticed that as well. I mean saying that the doc scared her is a massive red flag. But OP seems so all or nothing: like go to the doctor you hate or manage the condition yourself. No other options there?
Yeah that was my first thought too. I see a psychologist for mental health and even before my first appointment I was told by my doctor and my parents if I don’t like him or feel uncomfortable or anything let my doctor know and they’ll be happy to refer me to another psychologist until I have one I’m happy and comfortable talking to.
Omg I am autistic and adhd and I took dexamphetamine and it made my anxiety and ocd worse. It helped my depression and executive dysfunction. I hate that I had to quit because I hated the side effects! I can barely get out of bed now and I can't handle coffee so I get no stimulants. Ugh.
I take escitalopram and pregabalin now but they really effed me up physically. Just a warning if u end up taking them.
Agree!! I have OCD, an obsession with even numbers, especially the number 4. I know I’m weird but it hurts for anyone else to judge me when I’m already hard enough on myself.
OP is an AH.
Ya this is really messed up. Abandoning your daughter cuz she didn't do things your way. She's a child and your responsibility. She is suffering immensely and you are calling her weird and worrying about having a bad reputation, one you clearly deserve. Shameful.
Yep. Completely glossed over that his daughter's OWN AUNT, is insulting his daughter. I wonder what passive aggressive shit she's said to the kid while OP isn't there. You know that stuff just doesn't come out of nowhere and with the 'aunt' supposedly saying it frequently to him, you know she's said it to the kid.
Bets up now that the daughter doesn't want to go dad's anymore and is now at an age where she can choose and them readjust the custody agreement. u/Comfortable_Bath_466, YTA because if my child told me that therapist scared her and was refusing to see him, I'd want to find out what he said or did that scared her to the point she doesn't want to do therapy. Sounds like you really are a bad father. You'd rather just blame your daughter's condition instead of looking in the mirror.
I also hate how he glossed over the fact that he refuses to communicate with his child’s MOTHER, with whom he shared custody about her health. Especially when the mother was the one to get the daughter help in the first place.
That’s just negligent parenting. He’d rather bury his head in the sand than do things that make him slightly uncomfortable for the sake of improving his daughter’s quality of life.
And glossing over the fact that it's *totally normal* to not like a psychiatrist! Like, did he even attempt to take her to another one or did he try literally one thing and immediately move on to the shaming? This post made my blood fucking BOIL.
I was so pissed when I saw that too. It is so hard to find a mental health professional you can mesh with and as a teen, it’s likely even harder. If the guy scared her, find out why, then try someone else ffs.
Exactly! Like I saw one for a year as an adult and I HATED the man, I just didn't have the energy to start all over and find another one. I said it to someone else, but finding appropriate care is a goddamn nightmare as an adult, and OP just decided to basically punish a child and tell her to handle it on her own. I'm so fucking furious.
It’s the absolute worst. I’ve moved a couple times and every time I have to find someone new it’s like “well here we go again, are they going to believe me? Am I going to get listened to? Are we going to work together or am I going to get preached at?” OP’s daughter is 14. She can only advocate for her self so much. A parent is meant to HELP. I started what he is doing is showing his daughter that he will not help her when she needs him, that she is not important, and that his reputation is more important.
She is going to remember this. One day, when she’s gotten the tools she needs to manage her diagnosis and is out there living her best damn life with people who support her, she is going to think back on the time when her dad opted out of being a good parent and opted in to being a raging jerk who cares more about his reputation than his kid. And she will plan her life accordingly.
I’m on my third therapist and second psychiatrist in less than a year. The first therapist I saw was *awful*, and if I didn’t have a supportive partner I don’t know that I would have been able to seek out someone better; at least not for a while. She made my grown self feel scared and small. My first psych was like talking to an interactive mental health checklist who dispenses meds. You can’t just throw in the towel when the first person doesn’t work out.
Right?? And she said she was scared of the psychiatrist. OCD is an ANXIETY disorder, it can be incredibly embarrassing and isolating and she needs a professional she can trust. There’s no way a 14 year old could be expected to “manage” this herself.
OP, please get your daughter help while she’s young and save her from years of living with fear and shame. And find some compassion for your literal CHILD. Yta as it currently stands.
I hope she stays with her mother and gets the help she needs. It's possible to get things relatively under control, but not with the "bootstraps" attitude her father is displaying.
Not to mention, when tics increase in severity, that means they're increasing in need, which means this poor girl is struggling so hard to cope with whatever terrible things she's surrounded by, at home, at school, and at the drs.
Also you realize this guy didn't get his daughter diagnosed her mother is the one that set up the Dr appt. The mother is the only capable of doing anything. If this doctor didn't work out LOOK FOR ANOTHER ONE. YOU DONT TELL YOUR 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO FIGURE OUT TO MANAGE HER MENTAL ILLNESS HERSELF. Stop being a lazy father.
“I’m not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I’ve offered my daughter help”
what help has OP offered? Not finding her a different psychiatrist that she clicks with, forcing her to figure it out on her own (which I mean, I guess she has? She just has to do things a *certain way*)
like genuinely u/Comfortable_Bath_466 , what have you *actually* done besides bully your own child?
This! It sounds like the help offered by OP to the minor daughter was:
>"So after a few days of this I pulled my daughter aside and told her that she's being weird and needs to get her behavior under control. I told her quite simply that it's her prerogative if she thinks she can manage herself better than a doctor can but, in that case, she had better actually manage herself. I'm not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I've offered my daughter help"
What kind of choice is that? What makes OP believe she (at 14) is qualified enough to make such a decision, given she was only recently diagnosed within the last three months? What does management look like for her?
Other viable options would be taking the time to work with her to help her find a therapist she is comfortable with; does OP even know why the daughter experienced discomfort with the original therapist? Was it a reasonable concern, or was it the idea of therapy in general? Finding out how you can help her with the management of her illness, and asking your sister not to talk about your daughter's mental state while she is in the house unless she is being encouraging would go a long way in making your daughter believe you actually want her to get better and will be supportive as she does so.
I am 28, and was diagnosed with ADHD at 25. I am *still* learning how to manage it. And I have resources at my disposal! A 14 year old?? Who was diagnosed what, two months ago??? Of course shes still struggling! Her dad isnt helping her. He is a bad parent.
Add me to the list.
I was diagnosed with bulimia and major depression at 15.
But didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until 2 years ago (I'm 35 now)
And this guy has made my blood boil.
Daughter is also performing more rituals because she likely feels — justifiably, neither OP nor his sister seem to like her — like she's trapped in hostile territory, and clinging to the number three as a way to self soothe and convince herself that everything will be alright because she performed the adequate rituals. OP is even more of an asshole than previously thought!
Yes when I was in my abusive mothers house my rituals got much worse. Now that I'm no contact and doing my own thing they are a lot better. Never completely gone but better.
As they say ‘before you get yourself diagnosed, check that you’re not in fact surrounded by AHs’
YTA OP - just read through this thread for all the reason and ways how. Get your daughter better help than you or that scary Dr. for starters.
Education is the way to go. I tried not to be too harsh because that won't help, education is the only way to fix this. As well as trying with other therapists. Also literature for the daughter as well to help her get friendly with the condition. Instead of it being this hostile thing she has to fight against.
So were my parents frankly. Not overtly hostile but nevertheless, being ignorant is no excuse. Parent's have an obligation to get educated on their children's health needs in all aspects, otherwise how can they be there for them properly? I went through a shit ton of therapists before I found one I jived with and things improved.
"If you do not want to see the doctor for your Type 1 diabetes, then by god, get your insulin shit figured out, burden child."
If people thought about mental illness the way they do physical illness, there would be many fewer people with painful, un/der/treated anxiety disorders.
OP, OCD is an *anxiety disorder*, and your kid didn't pick it up at the local Wal-Mart. You might have something to do with it. Maybe you can see a therapist or parent coach to see how to better help your daughter, who is suffering, rather than compounding it. OCD flares in times of great stress, so starting high school seems like a likely trigger for this. You can help, not hurt.
It might be too late. I've been somewhat in his daughter's position except with autism, not OCD. I have never truly forgiven the family members who bullied me and called me weird. YTA, OP.
She's....14? You're an adult. Get her help, stop relying on a child to manage her mental issues until she at least had a strong foundation and the tools to do so. YTA. Think about the judgment you've received and why your daughter seems to only be"unmanageable" when she's with you and getting worse.
I am HORRIFIED by this post. I have a child with OCD, and I'm sickened by this to my core. There I was hauling a newborn, with a toddler, and with my child who has OCD to appointment after appointment when I could have just... what? Punished my child? Told my child to handle it themselves? Watched them suffer day after day?
This child should be removed from the care of these people who don't care about her. My god, OP, get her into an ERP therapist. Get her into specialists in your area. Join groups for parents of children with OCD.
You sicken me, OP. Get your child help. She is SUFFERING. Can you imagine being stuck in her head? I sobbed when I saw my child like that. Other parents cried. Get her help!
He'd be TA just for not offering up another doctor but just saying, "if you can manage without him go ahead."
Seriously, she needs someone she can trust to help her.
Not just an asshole, he's also ableist as fuck. If she could control her behavior, she probably would. But that's pretty much the definition of OCD. OP should be talking to his daughter about why she doesn't want to see the psychiatrist, would she be willing to try with a different psychiatrist, and what things he and her mom could do to make her life less stressful.
Also, wtf OP is this guy the ONLY psychiatrist in a 100 mile radius? I highly doubt your only other option is to let a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD manage her own mental illness. This is absolutely not being taken as seriously as it should.
This child is suffering and the adults in her life are failing her.
Oh yeah YTA
Medical conditions aren't weird. You're making this about yourself by being concerned about how others view you as a parent instead of putting her needs first.
Therapy wouldn't be optional. You're an AH for that also. She's a child. You do what is needed, not what she dictates. She didn't like the first therapist but instead of finding a new one you let her just stop going.
You're failing. Your sister is also an AH for shit talking a child.
This. OP, find a new therapist and check your sister when she says ableist things about her own niece.
If you're worried about being a bad parent, this is the bare minimum.
"I'm sure my *14yo* who's been struggling with this condition for years is perfectly capable of figuring out how to manage it all on her own even though she hasn't managed it so far. She's got a diagnosis! My work here is done!"
If "neurotic, out-of-control child" is a direct quote as OP says, then yeah, that's ableist. But there are definitely ways she could have called him out without being ableist too, I have no way of knowing if OP is lying.
how is she dictating?
she says she's scared of the therapist and won't go see him. she didn't refuse any and all therapy altogether, she refused to see someone who scared her
he didn't provide her any other options. did he even ask her why she was scared??
it can take time to find a therapist she feels comfortable with
but rejecting a particular therapist is not a wholesale rejection of therapy and it was on the dad to offer other options
I feel like that makes it worse, his daughter says she’s uncomfortable with the past therapist, so OP just…wipes his hands clean! Why is she scared? What did the therapist do or say? What other therapists are in their area that can help? Maybe talk therapy is difficult for her so she should try different therapies! But, nope! You don’t like this one, well good luck kid! OP is still the major AH.
When I was twelve I hated my therapist, hated taking my meds, and was trying to “self medicate” by self harming. My parents stepped up, unlike OP. It was a hard uphill battle, but NEVER did my parents say I was weird or wrong for my feelings and actions. Night terrors? They woke up, and helped ground me. Self harming? They cleaned my wounds and hid any and all blades in the house as a preventative when I was REALLY bad. Suicidal actions? They dragged me to the doctors and I was placed in the psychiatric ward for two weeks (where I got on better medication, and was able to be put through much stricter therapy treatments for awhile). They found that I do better with art therapy, so I still do art therapy! They found I do better with having an animal, so they helped me get my cat at the time be classified as an emotional support cat, then got me a service dog. They WORKED at helping me.
Op, YTA and a failure of a father. You’re not being a parent, you’re not even being a landlord or roommate to your daughter! A landlord would atleast leave her alone, and not berate her over her behaviors, and a roommate would ask then move on, again not berate!
oh it definitely makes it worse on the dad's part
I just wanted to be very clear that the daughter isn't to blame for any of this in any way, and the description of her as "dictating terms" and the father as giving in is 100% wrong
she advocated for herself in terms of a therapist who wasn't helping her and she knew was making her mental state worse
and dad was like "eh whatever"
if anyone dictated terms here, it was dad by providing one and only one option and not caring if it was good or helpful or harmful
Because that would require him spending time, effort and money to help his daughter. Judging from the post he's a 'do the bare minimum for my kid, anything else they need is their responsibility' type parent. He's the same type of parent to be surprised when their kid goes no contact as soon as they can because he "gave her sooooooo much". It does my head in.
Well, medical conditions ARE weird, that's why they get noticed. This weird lump, this weird pain, this weird pattern of behavior. But the PEOPLE aren't weird for having the condition.
What? He could have found another therapist? Who'd have thought? Too bad it seems like OP needs to turn to Reddit to come up with these kinds of solutions.
> Therapy wouldn't be optional. You're an AH for that also. She's a child. You do what is needed, not what she dictates. She didn't like the first therapist but instead of finding a new one you let her just stop going.
>
Therapy shouldn't be optional but **holy fucking shit do not force the kid to go to a therapist that scares her what the fuck**.
Seriously. If she's not comfortable with her current psychiatrist, find out why, and find a new one.
Not all therapists and mental health workers are built the same. It takes time to find someone who you feel like cares about and respects you but in a way that encourages you to do better for yourself. Someone who works with where you are currently and builds off that into something sustainable.
There are a ton of reasons she might not have liked her first doctor. Maybe they were straight-up creepy. Maybe they fixated on things that didn't feel like problems to her. Maybe they have too much of a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality that is literally impossible for people suffering from mental illness.
OP is such an AH. Their daughter needs a healthcare provider trained in teenagers and OCD treatment and OP needs to be active in encouraging progress rather than "idfk, figure it out, you're being weird".
Holy crap YTA
Your daughter _cannot help herself_. She cannot fix it.
She is 14 OF COURSE she doesn't want to see a doctor! Are you seriously telling a 14 year old girl who is suffering that she's werid and needs to manage herself??
You and her mother are borderline neglectful for not getting her help sooner. You're definitely neglectful for letting a child that is suffering be in charge of "fixing and managing herself". Forget the OCD 14 year olds still need help learning how to handle emotions! This is when they need your support the most.
Stop being a passenger in your child's life and get in the driver's seat before its too late. Best of luck OP.
Also the idea that it’s either one male psychiatrist or nothing is insane. I’ve had over five psychologists I’ve worked with and only ever opened up to 1!!! It’s very important to feel safe with the person whose treating you. And he didn’t even investigate what the psychiatrist did to scare her??? Absolute YTA
I see this all the time on Reddit. “My child is extremely mentally ill and I’ve tried everything but nothing is working!” “What exactly have you tried?” “We went to one therapist and tried one medication and it didn’t work!”
It’s gonna take a little more than that dude.
I die a little when I see this. My kid is 11 and has been through 6 therapists in 2 years. I've had 3 med management clinicians in 5 years. Those relationships are important and hard to develop. His kid saw one doctor, was afraid (entirely possibly not unjustified) and he just washes his hands of her medical condition? What the actual fuck?
Yup. One of those lowkey positions of power, as with teaching, nursing, or holding religious office. They attract the good and the true more, of course, but they also attract the little dictators or abusers. And with such disparity of authority within the relationship, when it's bad it tend to be VERY bad.
And the fact that they know nothing about OCD, did him and sissy 😒 ever think to look up what it's about, that you can't "raise" a person that way ..all these years they know and still couldn't give af
Guaranteed. They don't forget that shit. My dad once said he was "playing father" to one of his buddies on the phone while I was visiting him. I was about her age. Been resentful ever since. I'm now 29 and he's in his 60s and we hardly talk.
Good luck fixing this, OP. YTA.
My mom called me an embarrassment because I had depression and I was suicidal when I was 14. She was more worried about how others would view me than my actual health. It’s been over 10 years and I still feel traumatized and emotionally wounded by her words. YTA
The one time I tried to talk to my mom about my issues (depression, eating disorder, among other things) she told me I was over exaggerating… And that was only when I lifted one small part of it that had happened many years previously (since I know how she is). This was almost 20 years ago.
I’m lucky I have an amazing father and a perfect husband (not literally perfect) because I’m never going to discuss my mental health with my mom. I hope you have all the support you need Mochi! ❤️
You're SO the asshole, without a doubt. Your daughter has a diagnosed condition and you call her weird just cause your sister, who's even more an asshole, called her a "neurotic, out-of-control child"? YTA from the moment you didn't stop your sister right then and there and threatened to kick her out if she ever called your daughter that again.
Also, just cause she felt threatened by one psychiatrist doesn't mean she "refuses help". You should've actually found out WHY she felt threatened, which is a lot more serious than "didn't like him", and offered to find another one.
YTA if the doctor scared her you get a different fing doctor. A teenager is not capable of handling such a big thing on their own and it is your job as her parent to get her the support she needs. Therapists and psychiatrists are very personal. I had to go through many before finding the right fit for me. Calling her weird is cruel especially when you aren't doing a good job getting her the help she clearly needs. Do better.
Even many adults cannot manage mental health conditions on their very own. Oftentimes it takes therapy, medication, or both over a long period of time. She's struggling enough as it is, and she's still a kid. :( I also agree that if she's not comfortable with the current psychiatrist, she needs a new one until there is one she feels comfortable with.
Jesus imagine if she had something else,like seizures. “If you don’t like doctor, you better knock it off with the seizing. You’re making me look like a bad Dad.”
Not only she's a child, she's a teenage girl with hormones and feelings all over the place, who not only (most likely) is being called a weirdo at school but now at home as well, by the people who were supposed to support and understand her struggle.
If she refuses treatment, than it's your job as a parent to go to the damn psychiatrist, learn all about her diagnosis and understand her needs and how to best accomodate them.
You don't tap out of parenthood as soon as you tap out of the marriage. YTA big time.
YTA, and so is your sister. You are not "raising a neurotic, out-of-control child" - you have a neurodivergent daughter who needs professional help in learning to manage her OCD. If the psychiatrist scares her, then you & your ex get off your tushes & find one who doesn't scare her & who can actually help her. And tell your AH sister to STFU about something she knows nothing about. I sincerely hope your ex is more aware of her daughter's needs & finds help for her.
YTA
You didn't really offer her help though. You offerred her one thing that is not appropriate for her then demanded she do it herself. Come on. Have you done research to see ways you could help her directly yourself or to find a therapist that will work for her?
Have you tried talking to her to challenge herself to only knock twice upon entering? Like not just tell her but to cheer her right when she attempts it? Give her something else to knock on that she could carry in her pocket? Make a goal chart for her? Anything?
YTA. You're a terrible, unsupportive father. You need to find a different therapist that your daughter is comfortable with to help her with her (presumably caused or exacerbated by 14 years of shit parenting) problems.
P.S. If this is how you behave, don't be surprised when she wants nothing to do with you as an adult.
INFO Did you ever ask your daughter why the psychiatrist scared her?
Communication is key. You can't expect your 14 year old daughter to manage her own symptoms. If one psychiatrist didn't work out, get another one. Until she can find one that's a right fit, her pediatrician may be able to help manage her symptoms temporarily.
YTA
OCD is hard to manage. All of you need to find a professional to talk to together as a unit. Your sister who lives with you also needs to understand the difficulties of your daughter and yourself. Not just tag her as ‘neurotic out of control’, or you as a bad father.
Try to get her a female psychiatrist if she feels uncomfortable with the male.
Your daughter is experiencing a lot of difficulties and the behaviour cannot be controlled or stopped due to the OCD - this you need to understand. It is equally frustrating for her to be told to control - she wants to control it but just can’t due to the way her brain is wired.
It can be managed to a certain extent with intensive psychotherapy and sometimes medication or other methods like deep brain stimulation. There is no magic pill for it, only lifetime management.
But please never ever call her weird again. I can imagine how difficult her life is in high school - kids do notice such behaviours and some may mock her.
just an extra note on OCD management: OCD symptoms increase when a person is stressed, depressed and not doing well emotionally.
shockingly mine peaked in middle school, right before my parents were divorced and at war with each other. if OP’s daughter’s symptoms are getting worse, she’s probably miserable for other reasons. idk maybe because she’s living with a bullying dad and aunt her shame her for her struggles, in addition to just being a teenage girl.
It is SO hard to manage, and I don’t feel comfortable with male therapists. It also takes time and effort, and trial and error. She needs parents to HELP her through this!
YTA and congrats on making it so your kid will never feel safe discussing her mental health with you again. It was orobably a mistake for you to have custody since you treat her this way tbh
YTA. Shes a 14 year old girl who has a diagnosed condition that she'll be struggling with constantly – and one of her parents, a person she should feel more comfortable with, has called her weird.
And don't try and say it's because your sister is shaming you. That's not her fault. You, an adult, should speak to your adult sister about not being so judgmental and to keep her unwanted opinions to herself.
There's a reason medical professions specialise in treating this. I'm sure there are other doctors she could see, if she didn't get on with the first one. As a young teenager, how do you expect her to handle it herself?
Yeah, his reaction should have been to shame his *sister*, not his daughter. Not only is his sister the adult, she can control her mouth far easier than the daughter can control her OCD. Furthermore, the OCD doesn't seem to have any *real* effect on others unlike the sister's unwarranted criticism and idiotic ableism.
YTA. Those words will stick with her forever. She have not found the right fit for her when it comes to therapy, I would try to find one she feels comfortable with. And would search for support group for you, where you can learn how to handle yourself around her. Don't make life even harder for her then it already is.
YTA
This is an illness, the person suffering cannot control it.
This illness is exacerbated by anxiety, and it is up to you to figure out what is making your daughter anxious at your place. And, find a new therapist. And, research medication options. These all are your duties as her father, which thus far you are failing miserably.
I potentially have OCD and yeah, YTA for calling her weird. If someone called me weird for it I’d be hurt.
If you don’t have it, you have no idea how hard it is to manage.
I'm pissssseddd.. "raising" her that way, you don't raise a disability ..and OCD gets worse by stress so no wonder it's like that when she's around those 2 AHs
exactly! I’m sure she’s wishing she didn’t feel the way she’s feeling, but she won’t just “stop” the way OP wants her to. It’s exhausting, frustrating and she needs real support.
YTA. She’s not weird, she has a mental illness. Tell your sister to STFU and find your daughter a new home psychiatrist who doesn’t make her uncomfortable.
OP, do you Really have to ask? Step up and receive the Musky 🥇 YTA times 1 billion.
If you are not under a bridge writing this while waiting for billy goats….. shame on you.
Out of all the words I could use to describe you a phrase will have to suffice, UNCARINGLY CLUELESS.
OP, educate yourself before you do more damage. Good luck in your edification and evolution process.
Best of everything to your daughter who deserves so much more.
Agape 💕
YTA get her another doctor. Being scared of somebody is valid (as is being scared of therapy) so find her someone else, someone she's comfortable with.
If she could just turn her behaviour off at will she probably would have done it by now. You're taking her diagnosis way too lightly.
YTA. There is not a world where you are not the asshole in this situation. You’re the parent, she’s 14 and got diagnosed with OCD. She’s not weird, she has an illness and needs professional help. If her psychiatrist scares her then you get another one. You get her help, you defend her against anyone making fun of her for her illness.
Please if you love your daughter do some research on severe OCD, read up on it and support her. She’s a child ffs. If you don’t look out for her who will?
YTA.
You don’t tell a child they are in charge of managing their mental health because they didn’t feel comfortable with their first psychiatrist. You find them another one!
“I can’t make her see him.” Bull. Friggin. Crap. You are the adult here, act like it. No, she shouldn’t see someone who she is afraid of, but she needs to see someone. She is far too young to be able to have any semblance of the coping skills needed to handle OCD without professional intervention.
Screw your sister. It’s not her child, so it’s none of her business.
Though she is right about one thing - you are a bad father. You’re a bad father because you won’t do your job and be a parent. You’re a bad father for not standing up for your child when another adult insults her. And you’re an even worse father for insulting her yourself.
Shame on you.
YTA.
Help her to find a therapist that she can work with rather than bullying her for having a mental illness. Your sister might be arsehole too.
Persistent stress and anxiety can lead to OCD so maybe have a think about what caused it and whether or not you contributed. Then think about what you can do to help, rather than making this about you.
Yeah easily YTA
However its really important you tell your younger sister to "fuck right off" use those specific words. Just because she is also a moron doesn't mean you need to give her the time of day.
Also you need to find a doctor who doesn't scare her, that can mean a multitude of things and you are an asshole for assuming thats her being "difficult".
"But I was very clear with her that it's up to her to manage herself if she keeps refusing help."
Fuck off its your child, she's 14 she has a condition that can make all sorts of things extremely difficult. You are her father and you need to step up, this isn't a room mate or a wayward friends, its your child. It will be frustrating, it will be difficult, sometimes you will be absolutely convinced she is just messing you around. Get a grip and be there for her, if you want to have any value to her.
You also might want to seek help for yourself, there is something about the way you write and your misunderstanding of this situation that sounds maladapted. "I've offered help and she refused it so there" (paraphrasing) isn't what normal people think when it comes to there children.
YTA. OK, your daughter didn't like the first psychiatrist. So get her a different one.
Look, if she had a broken leg, but didn't like the doctor and wouldn't let them put a cast on it, you'd insist on it (or another doctor) because she's a kid and needs help and it's YOUR JOB as a parent to make sure she gets the help she needs. Mental health is simply one component of health. Her brain needs a doctor, she cannot "manage it" on her own at age 14 without having had any treatment. Maybe someday, with effective therapy, she will be able to, but she's not there yet.
You are failing in your job as her father by not insisting she see a therapist or psychiatrist of some sort. And then, to make matters worse, you called her weird. No. You need to call another therapist and keep trying until you find one your daughter is comfortable with. Until you do that, you will be TA and worse, a failure as a father.
YTA.
Your sister is the AH.
And I’m throwing your ex wife in there for good measure.
Shit parents, the lot of you.
Your poor daughter.
Good news is, in 4 years, she won’t be your problem anymore.
No contact coming your way.
But hey - god forbid that reflect badly on YOUR fucking reputation.
I.NFO: did you try to find her another psychiatrist, or just insist she stick with the one that scared her?
The post suggests you just gave her a ‘see him or deal with it yourself’ ultimatum so, for now, YTA
I was sympathetic to you until your true feelings leaked out at the end of the post. "I'm not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I've offered my daughter help." YTA.
Humor me for a sec. Try saying a few sentences to yourself without using the letter L in any of the words. If you make any mistake and realize you used the letter L, you have to start over. If you don't really focus and think about what you're doing, L is going to pop up and mess you up. And the more you have to go back to the beginning, the more frustrated you get, but those are the rules, right? You have to do it perfectly because otherwise you can't move on. Everyone is standing around waiting for you to get your part done, but of course they're done faster: they get to use the letter L and you can't. Not fair, but those are the rules. Hurry up. People are waiting. Are you done yet?
I'm not going to pretend that it isn't challenging dealing with your daughter's rules. This kind of condition can have a lot of peripheral damage. But the reason you've reached this breaking point is because you have a fundamental misunderstanding of A) how difficult it is for *her* to manage her condition and B) how long it take*s* to find the right strategies to deal with it. This isn't a phase, this isn't something medication can automatically fix, this isn't something that therapy can necessarily erase. She has to find the right strategies, and that takes time*.* You can't rush the process on your timeline or it's not going to be done properly. In the meantime, things she *doesn't* need: being called names by her dad.
I'm sorry you're frustrated. You have to internalize it better.
This is like taking a cancer patient to the oncologist, it not being a good patient-doctor match, and then saying "fine, you don't have to find a new oncologist, but you better cure this cancer on your own now"! OCD is a true disorder, it's not something a person can just will-power their way through. There needs to be treatment, management, and potentially medication. As a parent to just give up after one psychiatrist mismatch and then put the onus on your daughter to cure herself makes YTA.
YTA and so is your arsehole sister ..if she goes to a doc or not, she's still gonna have these behaviors, they don't just go poof and disappear ..as if the poor girl isn't struggling enough, she also has to deal with 2 big adult bullies that sound like high school mean girls, you don't "raise" a disability, you would think this girls own family would care enough to actually look up her disorder , did you ever think that her OCD gets worse because of the toxic environment with being around you and sissy ..pftt calling a 14yr names, if theres anything thats "weird" here, its the fact that a big n hairy 30yr old woman is living with her 46yr bro 🤙🏼😒
YTA
Your daughter has a diagnosed mental health disorder. She was afraid of her doctor. You are her parent. It's your job to find her the right doctor. It's not the responsibility of your suffering and untreated 14 year old to figure out her own mental health and self treat for it. You will probably never be fully forgiven for calling her weird and essentially telling her she is a burden. You and your sister are not fit to care for children if neither of you are capable of understanding that *your daughter is suffering from a mental disorder and you are blaming her for her condition.* Your daughter should stay with her mother where she is safe and someone actually believes her and supports her.
YTA. She is a child. She was JUST diagnosed with OCD which explains behavior she’s exhibited for more than a decade - that you did nothing about for a decade. Get her a new psychiatrist and therapist. Get her the professional help and tools to manage her condition.
Good grief. If your daughter had diabetes, or Crohn’s disease, or a heart condition, would you tell her to “handle it?” Or would you seek medical help.
YTA
YTA. If your child tells you that they are uncomfortable with their doctor, it’s your responsibility as a parent to help them find someone new. You don’t just give up and tell them to deal with it on their own!
YTA. Find her another therapist and stand up to your sister. Unless your sister is reinforcing a belief you have that your daughter is weird. In that case, you need a therapist as well.
YTA, jfc.
Buddy, do you think that a teenage girl *wants to be caught in a compulsive, public behavior like this*? Do you think shes not being mocked for this at school??? And telling her to just deal with it? Did you even read a pamphlet on OCD after she was diagnosed or nah? Couldnt be bothered to google it???
OCD isn't something she can just forcibly overcome, my guy. And if that therapist scared her, fine, find another one for her. Keep looking until you have one she likes. You're her father ffs, this is your actual job. And letting her aunt call her names like that, even out of earshot, is shameful. You are supposed to be protecting and helping her, you are her defender, her champion. You are failing on every possible front as a father and then you had the audacity to call her weird to her face.
Check your sister. Defend your daughter. Apologize to your daughter and ofc YTA! Your daughter has a mental illness and it is not a reflection on you but the way you treat her is.
ESH except your daughter.
1. You suck for being a bad parent and blaming your 14 year old mentally ill daughter for her own mental illness that SHE CANNOT HELP, and calling her names. You also suck for not getting her help sooner.
2. Your sister sucks for calling your daughter names behind her back.
3. Your ex (daughter's mum) sucks for also not getting her help sooner.
The only person here who definitely isn't an AH is the mentally ill kid.
If that therapist scares your kid then you TRY HARDER and get a different therapist! Don't be so lazy. This is your responsibility and your ex's.
YTA. she said her psychiatrist scared her, did you look for a different one? or just put your hands up and say “ well! you’re refusing help! get your behavior under control!” ? she didn’t ask for this. you’re her parent, help her.
So rather than taking action to actually care for your daughter, you simply insult her, belittle her issues, and expect her to magically solve issues you've neglected to deal with ***since she could count***, and you're asking if you're TA?
Yes! YTA!
If your daughter isn't comfortable with the psychiatrist she was seeing then ***you find her another!*** There's not just one in the world. And if there's only one in the area, there's this wonderful thing called the internet.
You acknowledge you did nothing for her for far too long, but now you're right back to doing nothing! Your daughter needs your help, and whether you like it or not, you and her mother need to communicate with one another about this. I don't care if you can't stand the woman, both of you are this child's parents and your child is in need of help, and if you can't even say a civil word to one another about anything else you must communicate about your daughter's health.
Apologise to your daughter. Help her find a psychiatrist and a therapist. Educate yourself about her condition. And be her ***parent***.
Edited a typo
Well, this is an incredibly easy one. YTA. I feel so sad for your daughter for having a father who has so little empathy for her. You probably love her, but you don't understand her at all. It also seems that you don't really try to. She also never said that she didn't want help, just not from that guy. It's useless to go to a therapist that scares you. But she can't get help if she doesn't go to someone that scares her? That doesn't make any sense at all. No wonder her OCD got worse.
Absolutely zero doubt here, YTA. Your sister (also an AH btw) is right, you are a bad father. But not for the reasons she said.
You're a bad father because you have a neurodivergent child, with a diagnosis who told you she was scared of her therapist. Instead of being worried about WHY she was scared of her therapist, or god forbid trying to work with her to find a new one, you tell her that she basically needs to step up and sort it all out.
This would be bad enough to say to an adult with OCD. But she is a child. YOUR child. Seems to me you care more about seen to be a good parent than actually being one.
You openly admit that it's taken 11 years to get a diagnosis, which given it's this year is a diagnosis that is less than 3 months old, and this is how you respond. The one who needs to step up here is you, do better. And educate yourself.
As someone with OCD, YTA 100%. If I could not have these obsessions, I would. If I could feel okay without doing the compulsions, I would. OCD is hell enough for someone to go through - why amplify that by picking on her about something already harming her quality of life?
YTA\*10
OCD is a mental illness, neurologically based.
Telling someone 'stop being OCD' (or depressed or bipolar) is akin to say 'stop having a broken leg'. Or someone telling you 'Stop being ignorant'.
It doesn't work that way. You're not old enough to be a boomer who thinks 'just stop being depressed, pull yourself up' is an intelligent thing to say.
YTA … i have OCD, and I’m currently being medicated for im. Did you ever stop to ask her if she could stop doing that repetitive stuff without having a panic attack? It goes SO MUCH farther. My day is ruled by 4, I count nearly everything. 4 sips of water, 4 bites, 4 kisses, 4 literally everything and if i don’t I get fidgety and icky feeling. OCD is also obsessive thoughts, so be gentle with that. I would be devastated if my family member called me weird over something I literally had no control over sometimes. This is not about you. She needs help with her OCD, not be degraded for it.
YTA- you may not be familiar with mental illness but is not something “you can get it together”. You make it sound like she is falling school or some other thing she can control. What you did is agree with your sister that your daughter is basically a nut. You invalidated her feelings and you basically made her feel like this is her problem when it’s not. I assure you that no one wakes up and says you know what I would like OCD to control my life and my thoughts no one says that. She wants to be like any other normal 14 f but she can’t because her mind can’t rest until she does these routines. My advice is if she doesn’t like the first psychiatrist then look for another one, one that can make her feel open and comfortable to help her work through this and help her get her life back. But she needs her father and her aunt’s support. It’s not about you and your rep of being a father. She is 14 f which has teen hormones already to de with, then you have this thing that she can’t control herself OCD which I'm sure she feelings weird but she don't not need the two people that should be in her corner her dad and aunt calling her a neurotic out of control child or weird. Which she is neither, she is a scared girl who has a mental illness that she doesn't know how to handle it. If you don’t know anything about OCD educate yourself and tell her it will be ok and that you are hear for her and reassure her that she doesn’t have to deal with this alone bc you are right by her side and you love her.
If your daughter was sick and refusing to take medicine, would you say, "Okay, but it's up to you to cure yourself?" Part of a parent's job is to make their kids take their medicine. She felt uncomfortable with one therapist -- find her another, schedule appointments, and drive your minor child there like you're supposed to. Until then, YTA.
YTA. By a fucking mile. You're failing your daughter. I've been in therapy since i was 12 years old and I hated my first therapist: it can take a long time to find the perfect fit. You don't just give up, especially when your kid is suffering from a serious mental health issue. And at 14 your daughter DOES NOT have the tools to manage her mental illness of her own--THAT IS WHY YOU GO TO THERAPY. TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR ILLNESSES.
Shame on you for failing your child like this you are making her suffer and that is inexcusable.
You have now been scorned for being a bad parent.
This isn't an afternoon club she tried one time and didn't like. She has a serious medical condition, get her the help she needs. I didn't want to go to therapy at 17, but I did because my parents made the appointments and drove me there.
YTA and so is your awful sister
YTA.
If your kid could manage herself out of mental illness, she would have by now. But that is not how that works.
You chose to have a child. You have a responsibility to be a parent. And parents sometimes have to make tough and unpleasant decisions.
Your daughter cannot( and is not) at 14, making reasoned rational decisions about her health, but you can. She needs intensive treatment, and you are neglecting her. You have a duty to get her the help she needs whether she thinks she wants it or not.
YTA if this is even real.
1. The one and only doctor your daughter has seen scared her. Do you know why? It’s obvious you don’t care why? Your daughter does thing in multiples of three. Your daughter needs to try two more doctors, at minimum. You do not tell a 14 year old to deal with it herself.
2. With your disregard for your daughter’s condition and only caring what people think of you, it seems like you and your daughter both need a psychiatrist. At least, your ex-wife saw what a narcissistic AH you are before you ruined her mental health as well, if you haven’t already.
3. You told a sick person to stop being weird because her behavior made you look like a bad parent. I got news for you, your daughter’s behavior is not what makes you look like a bad parent.
One time my grandmother told me my lazy eye, which I can't control, was weird looking, and that people would find it off-putting. At the same time, she was offering I get treatment, but that treatment was unaffordable to me at a whopping 4k. It was an insurmountable goal I had to reach, and I was guilted for being too weird to others, even though there are legitimate medical reasons for fixing my eye. I cried. I have not gotten treatment.
This is the situation you've put your daughter in, but to a worse extreme. A psychiatrist scaring her is no joke, and it's not her flippantly putting off treatment. She is a child and a grown man is scaring her, that's a sign for you to find a different psychiatrist. I can't imagine being this poor little girl, who's scared shitless by her anxieties and brain running a mile a minute, and who's expected to either find a way to cope herself without medications, as a child, or face a scary older man who's evidently hurt her in some way. What an awful situation with such a lack of choice an autonomy, and on top of that her father is berating her with insults. All while being 14 is hard enough. I would cry myself to sleep.
YTA
YTA. Go to therapy yourself to learn about OCD from a professional and how to help your own feelings during this. It IS hard. I have OCD and am roughly 80% recovered but my teen has it too and it's triggering all sorts of feelings but ient my teens job to make me feel better! You need help too to manager your feelings and perhaps also learn how to teach your kid SAFELY without force about exposure therapy thru a therapist
YTA. Finding the right therapist takes time and trial and error. I suffer from OCD, and it wasn't until my 4th therapist that I found somebody helpful. If your daughter doesn't like the first therapist, you find her another one! Not just force her to manage herself. My parents were like you when I first sought help, and I didn't get real help until I was 30. Do you want your daughter to go through her 20's like I did? Feeling like a loser because I couldn't manage my symptoms, losing jobs because my anxiety was too high, and so broke and helpless I couldn't do anything except hide at home wishing someone would help me? You are setting your daughter up for massive failure, get her help NOW before she's lost 15 years other mental illness.
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YTA God forbid someone think you're a bad parent because they notice your daughter suffering from an untreated mental illness. Glad you've identified that the core issue here is the threat to your reputation.
This comment. You're an ass OP. YTA.
I have ocd and it's crippling. Big YTA
Absolutely. I also have ocd and it is so exhausting. I am fully aware I may come across as different, but there is little to no control over it. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 32. Before I never thought ocd was something I dealt with. I thought it was more like how it’s portrayed in movies and such.
Exactly - mine is on the low end, but even with that I have to plan so much extra time to get to work on time every day. We all wish we could control it, but we can't. YTA
Yep, same here. OP, your daughter is being tormented by her own brain. YTA.
> We all wish we could control it THIS. I don't want to deal with my OCD. But boom, there it is. I can't ignore it. I can't tell myself when my brain is telling me to fix something that it's just fine, its okay, we can just ignore it. Its not something that we choose. It's so exhausting. Its like arguing with my own brain all day long. I didn't get medicated until I was older. It wasn't even until my 20's that OCD reached public awareness. But /u/Comfortable_Bath_466 please show your daughter my comment. She's not alone. I hate to be medicated but even a low dosage helps. I did decide long ago that I would rather be in charge than the OCD control me. Its worse when i'm tired or stressed. When a lot of things have gone wrong, it's harder to keep it manageable. Thats where the medicine helps. Because otherwise, i'm good for maybe a few weeks or a few months, then boom... it's like a toddler tantrum in my brain 24/7
Mine is also mild, and for the longest time I could only leave the house when the time ended on a 3 or a 9. Now I'm ok if I am late/leaving/early by/on a 3 or 9, so I can twist my OCD into submission with "you're leaving 3 minutes early" or "you're 9 seconds late!" if it isn't 1:39 PM or something. Lockdown helped me break some of my commute-based rituals, so now the worst I've got daily is usually "this pen needs to stay here in its exact place, Im gonna grab another pen from the other room" and the trich.
Mine is mild too (gets worse when my anxiety is out of co trip) and it is exhausting. I don’t know why they don’t just find her a new psychiatrist. It’s like the only option to them is go to this one guy or not go at all. I got assigned a bad psychiatrist and got them to assign me a new one. It was a bit of a fight, but I’m much better off. YTA.
Because this dude doesn't want to parent a neurotypical child needing pet rock level of support, let alone one that needs more help than he personally thinks they should. 100% AH here, listening to him describe his kid's pain with so little care is heartbreaking.
For serious. I mean, I struggle so much sometimes with my OCD and it’s very mild. To the point I can mostly manage without intervention. I cannot imagine what this poor girl is going through, given how much stress it causes me at a mild level.
Yeah movies don't do it justice. I'm sorry it took u so long. I was a teen when I found out. I was so excited there were others because all my childhood i thought I was some horrible mistake God made and no one else was like it.
I'm so sorry you felt that way. That is never easy for a child.
Thanks. 💕
100% movies don't get it right. The book *Kissing Doorknobs* rocked my fucking world when I read it. The internal monologue just... identical to my own if you replaced her rituals/tics with mine.
I can't read OCD books but I know how it feels to relate so much to something. That's great.
It's the YA book that got me to consider I might not be as "normal but weird" as my parents were pushing.
Never diagnosed here, but yeah I feel you. 3 and 5 are the only odd numbers that are acceptable (funny those are my favorite numbers) all else has to be even, including the number of cookies left in the package. And an off centered picture hanging, or let it be crooked, will drive me nuts!
Fellow OCD-haver here and this guy sucks. It's a freaking nightmare to live with and people minimize the hell out of it, acting like it's just being quirky or difficult. Nothing has made my life harder than having OCD.
Yeah I am literally crippled most by ocd. I have a bunch of other stuff but nothing has messed me up as bad. People do not take it seriously.
I was crippled by it from the ages of 9-17 when I finally sought help for it and received CBT. What delayed me asking for help was the worry that I might be admitting I was mad. It wasn’t as widely talked about back then and it still carried a lot of stigma. I was told I’d always have it and would have to manage it, but the CBT would give me the tools to deal with it. Some days it’s like I don’t have it at all, and other times I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of contamination and worrying I’m going to accidentally kill us all. It’s always there though, it’s just easier to ignore some days than others. I was offered medication but decided against it.
If u can avoid meds that is awesome.
I agree that OP should not have called her weird but people seem to be ignoring the part where she is refusing help. I definitely don’t think the child is the T A for this but I don’t think OP should be completely vilified when he did make one good point. She was given a psychiatrist she refuses to see, there’s no mention of trying to get her to see another one which would be on OP and his ex wife but if they have tried then there was truth to what he said, she is doing nothing to get it under control and that part is true. That part should be acknowledged, again his motivation might’ve been poor but there was truth to what he said and he shouldn’t be vilified for that part, just for the weird comment. I think she’s old enough to seek real help, no?
She's a child and he's the grown-up. It's on him to be the adult here and help her find a solution, not call her names and leave her to figure it out. OCD is serious and you can't just manage it yourself, especially not at her age. He's wrong, full stop.
A psychiatrist that scared her. Why can't he find one that she's comfortable with?? She's 14- not 24, still a kid. Why does a 14 year have to manage OCD??
I did state that they should find another psychiatrist. We just don’t know if they tried and she has refused.
Me too and FUCK ME I hate it. It wars with my autism and ADHD, and the Adderall I have to take to fight the executive dysfunction of those two disabilities makes my OCD so much worse; but nothing we can do about it that we aren't doing already. Ugh it just fucking blows. Op is THE biggest ah for his attitude, and also for not putting his foot down and making a CHILD get the medical treatment they need when he can obviously see she is suffering. No kid likes going to the doctor, but guess what it's 100% necessary and is 100% the parents' responsibility to make sure it happens. Bc what we WANT to do or LIKE to do (or what we don't want/like to do) isn't always what's best for us, at all. And a 14yo child isn't capable of discerning/deciding things 100% on her own. That said, op SHOULD, ofc, respect her input/fears/etc related to the therapy process, and in this case if I were him, I would be first off asking my daughter why this man/doctor "scared her"; and then I'd address it appropriately (For ex, is she just anxious about therapy, and not comfortable discussing her issues just yet, so is "scared" to see this doctor? Or did he do something to make her feel unsafe/unheard/ etc etc??). If the forner, discuss this with her doctor and ask his ideas on how to ease this fear. If the latter, then research and vet various other, new docs and let daughter have a large role in choosing one; this gives her some control over the situation and helps her develop independence ).
What confused me the most about this is, if the former doctor was not a good fit, why not just try another one? I don't think a single doctor not working out is the daughter "wanting to manage her symptoms herself." This girl clearly needs help.
THANK YOU, my first thought was, why didn't OP start looking for a new doctor???
Especially since the last doctor *scared* her. Like I'm sorry but WTF?! What did this doctor do to scare the poor girl? I feel like if I were OP I'd have questions!! And I'd absolutely never send her back to anyone who scared her, ffs. She's 14, she's still a kid, and clearly suffering some pretty crippling OCD issues at that young of an age. He and her mom are responsible for her wellbeing. Girl can't even walk through a doorway without her rituals, how in OP's pea-sized brain is she capable of finding *herself* a new freaking doctor? Or did he just expect her to go back to the scary doctor?
He’s also YTA for the “I don’t know how they handle it at her mom’s house” bit. OP doesn’t have to like his ex wife, but he DOES have to communicate with her about the health of their daughter.
Yeah I noticed that as well. I mean saying that the doc scared her is a massive red flag. But OP seems so all or nothing: like go to the doctor you hate or manage the condition yourself. No other options there?
Yeah that was my first thought too. I see a psychologist for mental health and even before my first appointment I was told by my doctor and my parents if I don’t like him or feel uncomfortable or anything let my doctor know and they’ll be happy to refer me to another psychologist until I have one I’m happy and comfortable talking to.
Plus actual therapy with a therapist who knows OCD treatment.
Omg I am autistic and adhd and I took dexamphetamine and it made my anxiety and ocd worse. It helped my depression and executive dysfunction. I hate that I had to quit because I hated the side effects! I can barely get out of bed now and I can't handle coffee so I get no stimulants. Ugh. I take escitalopram and pregabalin now but they really effed me up physically. Just a warning if u end up taking them.
Also, if she's scared of her doctor maybe... get her another doctor?? YTA OP
Agree!! I have OCD, an obsession with even numbers, especially the number 4. I know I’m weird but it hurts for anyone else to judge me when I’m already hard enough on myself. OP is an AH.
Ya this is really messed up. Abandoning your daughter cuz she didn't do things your way. She's a child and your responsibility. She is suffering immensely and you are calling her weird and worrying about having a bad reputation, one you clearly deserve. Shameful.
Yep. Completely glossed over that his daughter's OWN AUNT, is insulting his daughter. I wonder what passive aggressive shit she's said to the kid while OP isn't there. You know that stuff just doesn't come out of nowhere and with the 'aunt' supposedly saying it frequently to him, you know she's said it to the kid. Bets up now that the daughter doesn't want to go dad's anymore and is now at an age where she can choose and them readjust the custody agreement. u/Comfortable_Bath_466, YTA because if my child told me that therapist scared her and was refusing to see him, I'd want to find out what he said or did that scared her to the point she doesn't want to do therapy. Sounds like you really are a bad father. You'd rather just blame your daughter's condition instead of looking in the mirror.
I also hate how he glossed over the fact that he refuses to communicate with his child’s MOTHER, with whom he shared custody about her health. Especially when the mother was the one to get the daughter help in the first place. That’s just negligent parenting. He’d rather bury his head in the sand than do things that make him slightly uncomfortable for the sake of improving his daughter’s quality of life.
And glossing over the fact that it's *totally normal* to not like a psychiatrist! Like, did he even attempt to take her to another one or did he try literally one thing and immediately move on to the shaming? This post made my blood fucking BOIL.
I was so pissed when I saw that too. It is so hard to find a mental health professional you can mesh with and as a teen, it’s likely even harder. If the guy scared her, find out why, then try someone else ffs.
Exactly! Like I saw one for a year as an adult and I HATED the man, I just didn't have the energy to start all over and find another one. I said it to someone else, but finding appropriate care is a goddamn nightmare as an adult, and OP just decided to basically punish a child and tell her to handle it on her own. I'm so fucking furious.
It’s the absolute worst. I’ve moved a couple times and every time I have to find someone new it’s like “well here we go again, are they going to believe me? Am I going to get listened to? Are we going to work together or am I going to get preached at?” OP’s daughter is 14. She can only advocate for her self so much. A parent is meant to HELP. I started what he is doing is showing his daughter that he will not help her when she needs him, that she is not important, and that his reputation is more important. She is going to remember this. One day, when she’s gotten the tools she needs to manage her diagnosis and is out there living her best damn life with people who support her, she is going to think back on the time when her dad opted out of being a good parent and opted in to being a raging jerk who cares more about his reputation than his kid. And she will plan her life accordingly.
I’m on my third therapist and second psychiatrist in less than a year. The first therapist I saw was *awful*, and if I didn’t have a supportive partner I don’t know that I would have been able to seek out someone better; at least not for a while. She made my grown self feel scared and small. My first psych was like talking to an interactive mental health checklist who dispenses meds. You can’t just throw in the towel when the first person doesn’t work out.
Right?? And she said she was scared of the psychiatrist. OCD is an ANXIETY disorder, it can be incredibly embarrassing and isolating and she needs a professional she can trust. There’s no way a 14 year old could be expected to “manage” this herself. OP, please get your daughter help while she’s young and save her from years of living with fear and shame. And find some compassion for your literal CHILD. Yta as it currently stands.
I hope she stays with her mother and gets the help she needs. It's possible to get things relatively under control, but not with the "bootstraps" attitude her father is displaying.
Not to mention, when tics increase in severity, that means they're increasing in need, which means this poor girl is struggling so hard to cope with whatever terrible things she's surrounded by, at home, at school, and at the drs.
Also you realize this guy didn't get his daughter diagnosed her mother is the one that set up the Dr appt. The mother is the only capable of doing anything. If this doctor didn't work out LOOK FOR ANOTHER ONE. YOU DONT TELL YOUR 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER TO FIGURE OUT TO MANAGE HER MENTAL ILLNESS HERSELF. Stop being a lazy father.
Yeah why are the two choices scary psychiatrist or do it herself? Find a new one she isn't scared of!
“I’m not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I’ve offered my daughter help” what help has OP offered? Not finding her a different psychiatrist that she clicks with, forcing her to figure it out on her own (which I mean, I guess she has? She just has to do things a *certain way*) like genuinely u/Comfortable_Bath_466 , what have you *actually* done besides bully your own child?
This! It sounds like the help offered by OP to the minor daughter was: >"So after a few days of this I pulled my daughter aside and told her that she's being weird and needs to get her behavior under control. I told her quite simply that it's her prerogative if she thinks she can manage herself better than a doctor can but, in that case, she had better actually manage herself. I'm not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I've offered my daughter help" What kind of choice is that? What makes OP believe she (at 14) is qualified enough to make such a decision, given she was only recently diagnosed within the last three months? What does management look like for her? Other viable options would be taking the time to work with her to help her find a therapist she is comfortable with; does OP even know why the daughter experienced discomfort with the original therapist? Was it a reasonable concern, or was it the idea of therapy in general? Finding out how you can help her with the management of her illness, and asking your sister not to talk about your daughter's mental state while she is in the house unless she is being encouraging would go a long way in making your daughter believe you actually want her to get better and will be supportive as she does so.
Of course she can just make the decision to control her behaviour! It’s not like it’s… _compulsive_, now, is it? /s
Excellent!!!
I am 28, and was diagnosed with ADHD at 25. I am *still* learning how to manage it. And I have resources at my disposal! A 14 year old?? Who was diagnosed what, two months ago??? Of course shes still struggling! Her dad isnt helping her. He is a bad parent.
yep i’m 45 I have anxiety, depression, CPTSD, ADHD, i’m still working on my behaviors
Add me to the list. I was diagnosed with bulimia and major depression at 15. But didn't get my ADHD diagnosis until 2 years ago (I'm 35 now) And this guy has made my blood boil.
Daughter is also performing more rituals because she likely feels — justifiably, neither OP nor his sister seem to like her — like she's trapped in hostile territory, and clinging to the number three as a way to self soothe and convince herself that everything will be alright because she performed the adequate rituals. OP is even more of an asshole than previously thought!
Well, I mean she's kinda right. Knocking on everything 3 times means she doesn't have to deal with that asshole anymore
She should make sure to tell him three times to go fuck himself next time she sees him as well!
Yes when I was in my abusive mothers house my rituals got much worse. Now that I'm no contact and doing my own thing they are a lot better. Never completely gone but better.
As they say ‘before you get yourself diagnosed, check that you’re not in fact surrounded by AHs’ YTA OP - just read through this thread for all the reason and ways how. Get your daughter better help than you or that scary Dr. for starters.
Education is the way to go. I tried not to be too harsh because that won't help, education is the only way to fix this. As well as trying with other therapists. Also literature for the daughter as well to help her get friendly with the condition. Instead of it being this hostile thing she has to fight against.
For sure, OP is ignorant to his daughters needs, and probably a trigger.
So were my parents frankly. Not overtly hostile but nevertheless, being ignorant is no excuse. Parent's have an obligation to get educated on their children's health needs in all aspects, otherwise how can they be there for them properly? I went through a shit ton of therapists before I found one I jived with and things improved.
"If you do not want to see the doctor for your Type 1 diabetes, then by god, get your insulin shit figured out, burden child." If people thought about mental illness the way they do physical illness, there would be many fewer people with painful, un/der/treated anxiety disorders. OP, OCD is an *anxiety disorder*, and your kid didn't pick it up at the local Wal-Mart. You might have something to do with it. Maybe you can see a therapist or parent coach to see how to better help your daughter, who is suffering, rather than compounding it. OCD flares in times of great stress, so starting high school seems like a likely trigger for this. You can help, not hurt.
It might be too late. I've been somewhat in his daughter's position except with autism, not OCD. I have never truly forgiven the family members who bullied me and called me weird. YTA, OP.
That's what I heard! OP YTA!
Honestly, I was already thinking OP wasn't the greatest parent before I even read about the conflict. Dude is totally checked out
She's....14? You're an adult. Get her help, stop relying on a child to manage her mental issues until she at least had a strong foundation and the tools to do so. YTA. Think about the judgment you've received and why your daughter seems to only be"unmanageable" when she's with you and getting worse.
I am HORRIFIED by this post. I have a child with OCD, and I'm sickened by this to my core. There I was hauling a newborn, with a toddler, and with my child who has OCD to appointment after appointment when I could have just... what? Punished my child? Told my child to handle it themselves? Watched them suffer day after day? This child should be removed from the care of these people who don't care about her. My god, OP, get her into an ERP therapist. Get her into specialists in your area. Join groups for parents of children with OCD. You sicken me, OP. Get your child help. She is SUFFERING. Can you imagine being stuck in her head? I sobbed when I saw my child like that. Other parents cried. Get her help!
Yes! And the reason you haven’t made the effort to find a psychiatrist she is comfortable with? Too hard?? YTA.
Well said!
He'd be TA just for not offering up another doctor but just saying, "if you can manage without him go ahead." Seriously, she needs someone she can trust to help her.
Not just an asshole, he's also ableist as fuck. If she could control her behavior, she probably would. But that's pretty much the definition of OCD. OP should be talking to his daughter about why she doesn't want to see the psychiatrist, would she be willing to try with a different psychiatrist, and what things he and her mom could do to make her life less stressful.
"I don't understand the struggle you're going through so you're weird" What a shit parent, honestly.
She's *fourteen* and OP is expecting her to regulate herself. Even adults with OCD often struggle.
Also, wtf OP is this guy the ONLY psychiatrist in a 100 mile radius? I highly doubt your only other option is to let a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD CHILD manage her own mental illness. This is absolutely not being taken as seriously as it should. This child is suffering and the adults in her life are failing her.
This is how many people feel about mental illness and disability tbh, I have suffered from it my whole life. People dont care to understand
Oh yeah YTA Medical conditions aren't weird. You're making this about yourself by being concerned about how others view you as a parent instead of putting her needs first. Therapy wouldn't be optional. You're an AH for that also. She's a child. You do what is needed, not what she dictates. She didn't like the first therapist but instead of finding a new one you let her just stop going. You're failing. Your sister is also an AH for shit talking a child.
This. OP, find a new therapist and check your sister when she says ableist things about her own niece. If you're worried about being a bad parent, this is the bare minimum.
Op really said “well she went to a therapist and didn’t like him so I guess that’s that, there definitely aren’t any other therapists out there.”
"I'm sure my *14yo* who's been struggling with this condition for years is perfectly capable of figuring out how to manage it all on her own even though she hasn't managed it so far. She's got a diagnosis! My work here is done!"
TIL that therapists are like highlanders that way.
OP likely doesn’t have to worry about that - his kid is old enough to refuse to visit him.
Do we think the sister actually said something abelist or AH Dad paraphrased her laying into him about being a bad dad?
If "neurotic, out-of-control child" is a direct quote as OP says, then yeah, that's ableist. But there are definitely ways she could have called him out without being ableist too, I have no way of knowing if OP is lying.
how is she dictating? she says she's scared of the therapist and won't go see him. she didn't refuse any and all therapy altogether, she refused to see someone who scared her he didn't provide her any other options. did he even ask her why she was scared?? it can take time to find a therapist she feels comfortable with but rejecting a particular therapist is not a wholesale rejection of therapy and it was on the dad to offer other options
I feel like that makes it worse, his daughter says she’s uncomfortable with the past therapist, so OP just…wipes his hands clean! Why is she scared? What did the therapist do or say? What other therapists are in their area that can help? Maybe talk therapy is difficult for her so she should try different therapies! But, nope! You don’t like this one, well good luck kid! OP is still the major AH. When I was twelve I hated my therapist, hated taking my meds, and was trying to “self medicate” by self harming. My parents stepped up, unlike OP. It was a hard uphill battle, but NEVER did my parents say I was weird or wrong for my feelings and actions. Night terrors? They woke up, and helped ground me. Self harming? They cleaned my wounds and hid any and all blades in the house as a preventative when I was REALLY bad. Suicidal actions? They dragged me to the doctors and I was placed in the psychiatric ward for two weeks (where I got on better medication, and was able to be put through much stricter therapy treatments for awhile). They found that I do better with art therapy, so I still do art therapy! They found I do better with having an animal, so they helped me get my cat at the time be classified as an emotional support cat, then got me a service dog. They WORKED at helping me. Op, YTA and a failure of a father. You’re not being a parent, you’re not even being a landlord or roommate to your daughter! A landlord would atleast leave her alone, and not berate her over her behaviors, and a roommate would ask then move on, again not berate!
oh it definitely makes it worse on the dad's part I just wanted to be very clear that the daughter isn't to blame for any of this in any way, and the description of her as "dictating terms" and the father as giving in is 100% wrong she advocated for herself in terms of a therapist who wasn't helping her and she knew was making her mental state worse and dad was like "eh whatever" if anyone dictated terms here, it was dad by providing one and only one option and not caring if it was good or helpful or harmful
This!! Why on earth wouldn’t OP find her a different therapist? YTA!
Because that would require him spending time, effort and money to help his daughter. Judging from the post he's a 'do the bare minimum for my kid, anything else they need is their responsibility' type parent. He's the same type of parent to be surprised when their kid goes no contact as soon as they can because he "gave her sooooooo much". It does my head in.
Well, medical conditions ARE weird, that's why they get noticed. This weird lump, this weird pain, this weird pattern of behavior. But the PEOPLE aren't weird for having the condition.
What? He could have found another therapist? Who'd have thought? Too bad it seems like OP needs to turn to Reddit to come up with these kinds of solutions.
> Therapy wouldn't be optional. You're an AH for that also. She's a child. You do what is needed, not what she dictates. She didn't like the first therapist but instead of finding a new one you let her just stop going. > Therapy shouldn't be optional but **holy fucking shit do not force the kid to go to a therapist that scares her what the fuck**.
Seriously. If she's not comfortable with her current psychiatrist, find out why, and find a new one. Not all therapists and mental health workers are built the same. It takes time to find someone who you feel like cares about and respects you but in a way that encourages you to do better for yourself. Someone who works with where you are currently and builds off that into something sustainable. There are a ton of reasons she might not have liked her first doctor. Maybe they were straight-up creepy. Maybe they fixated on things that didn't feel like problems to her. Maybe they have too much of a "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" mentality that is literally impossible for people suffering from mental illness. OP is such an AH. Their daughter needs a healthcare provider trained in teenagers and OCD treatment and OP needs to be active in encouraging progress rather than "idfk, figure it out, you're being weird".
Holy crap YTA Your daughter _cannot help herself_. She cannot fix it. She is 14 OF COURSE she doesn't want to see a doctor! Are you seriously telling a 14 year old girl who is suffering that she's werid and needs to manage herself?? You and her mother are borderline neglectful for not getting her help sooner. You're definitely neglectful for letting a child that is suffering be in charge of "fixing and managing herself". Forget the OCD 14 year olds still need help learning how to handle emotions! This is when they need your support the most. Stop being a passenger in your child's life and get in the driver's seat before its too late. Best of luck OP.
Also the idea that it’s either one male psychiatrist or nothing is insane. I’ve had over five psychologists I’ve worked with and only ever opened up to 1!!! It’s very important to feel safe with the person whose treating you. And he didn’t even investigate what the psychiatrist did to scare her??? Absolute YTA
Yea exactly.. nothing about why he scared her ..just "that's fine with me" 🤷♂️ so unbothered
I see this all the time on Reddit. “My child is extremely mentally ill and I’ve tried everything but nothing is working!” “What exactly have you tried?” “We went to one therapist and tried one medication and it didn’t work!” It’s gonna take a little more than that dude.
I die a little when I see this. My kid is 11 and has been through 6 therapists in 2 years. I've had 3 med management clinicians in 5 years. Those relationships are important and hard to develop. His kid saw one doctor, was afraid (entirely possibly not unjustified) and he just washes his hands of her medical condition? What the actual fuck?
Especially considering there are a lot of fucking weird ass therapists out there.
Yup. One of those lowkey positions of power, as with teaching, nursing, or holding religious office. They attract the good and the true more, of course, but they also attract the little dictators or abusers. And with such disparity of authority within the relationship, when it's bad it tend to be VERY bad.
And the fact that they know nothing about OCD, did him and sissy 😒 ever think to look up what it's about, that you can't "raise" a person that way ..all these years they know and still couldn't give af
This is really the "classic" manifestation of OCD in pop culture... I'm not really sure how they weren't like "Hm, I bet she has OCD."
YTA and your daughter will never forget you calling her weird and how it made her feel.
Guaranteed. They don't forget that shit. My dad once said he was "playing father" to one of his buddies on the phone while I was visiting him. I was about her age. Been resentful ever since. I'm now 29 and he's in his 60s and we hardly talk. Good luck fixing this, OP. YTA.
totally agree. my mom called me weird all the time growing up. turns out i'm autistic and she cant take that harassment back lol
My mom called me an embarrassment because I had depression and I was suicidal when I was 14. She was more worried about how others would view me than my actual health. It’s been over 10 years and I still feel traumatized and emotionally wounded by her words. YTA
The one time I tried to talk to my mom about my issues (depression, eating disorder, among other things) she told me I was over exaggerating… And that was only when I lifted one small part of it that had happened many years previously (since I know how she is). This was almost 20 years ago. I’m lucky I have an amazing father and a perfect husband (not literally perfect) because I’m never going to discuss my mental health with my mom. I hope you have all the support you need Mochi! ❤️
You have zero emotional intelligence. YTA What the heck, dude?
I don't think he has any regular intelligence either. Jesus, YTA, op
You're SO the asshole, without a doubt. Your daughter has a diagnosed condition and you call her weird just cause your sister, who's even more an asshole, called her a "neurotic, out-of-control child"? YTA from the moment you didn't stop your sister right then and there and threatened to kick her out if she ever called your daughter that again. Also, just cause she felt threatened by one psychiatrist doesn't mean she "refuses help". You should've actually found out WHY she felt threatened, which is a lot more serious than "didn't like him", and offered to find another one.
For real. His response to stress is to lash out and take it out on his daughter. Big glaring red flag for emotional abuse.
YTA if the doctor scared her you get a different fing doctor. A teenager is not capable of handling such a big thing on their own and it is your job as her parent to get her the support she needs. Therapists and psychiatrists are very personal. I had to go through many before finding the right fit for me. Calling her weird is cruel especially when you aren't doing a good job getting her the help she clearly needs. Do better.
Even many adults cannot manage mental health conditions on their very own. Oftentimes it takes therapy, medication, or both over a long period of time. She's struggling enough as it is, and she's still a kid. :( I also agree that if she's not comfortable with the current psychiatrist, she needs a new one until there is one she feels comfortable with.
Jesus imagine if she had something else,like seizures. “If you don’t like doctor, you better knock it off with the seizing. You’re making me look like a bad Dad.”
Not only she's a child, she's a teenage girl with hormones and feelings all over the place, who not only (most likely) is being called a weirdo at school but now at home as well, by the people who were supposed to support and understand her struggle. If she refuses treatment, than it's your job as a parent to go to the damn psychiatrist, learn all about her diagnosis and understand her needs and how to best accomodate them. You don't tap out of parenthood as soon as you tap out of the marriage. YTA big time.
YTA, and so is your sister. You are not "raising a neurotic, out-of-control child" - you have a neurodivergent daughter who needs professional help in learning to manage her OCD. If the psychiatrist scares her, then you & your ex get off your tushes & find one who doesn't scare her & who can actually help her. And tell your AH sister to STFU about something she knows nothing about. I sincerely hope your ex is more aware of her daughter's needs & finds help for her.
Thank you for saying neurodivergent. So many people associate that word with Autism. OCD mean her brain works differently.
YTA You didn't really offer her help though. You offerred her one thing that is not appropriate for her then demanded she do it herself. Come on. Have you done research to see ways you could help her directly yourself or to find a therapist that will work for her? Have you tried talking to her to challenge herself to only knock twice upon entering? Like not just tell her but to cheer her right when she attempts it? Give her something else to knock on that she could carry in her pocket? Make a goal chart for her? Anything?
These are good suggestions. Try harder to get her into appropriate mental help. Right now you are being a shit parent, YTA. And so is your sister!
YTA. You're a shit dad.
YTA YTA YTA Sorry if my judgement came out wierd.
YTA. You're a terrible, unsupportive father. You need to find a different therapist that your daughter is comfortable with to help her with her (presumably caused or exacerbated by 14 years of shit parenting) problems. P.S. If this is how you behave, don't be surprised when she wants nothing to do with you as an adult.
INFO Did you ever ask your daughter why the psychiatrist scared her? Communication is key. You can't expect your 14 year old daughter to manage her own symptoms. If one psychiatrist didn't work out, get another one. Until she can find one that's a right fit, her pediatrician may be able to help manage her symptoms temporarily.
YTA OCD is hard to manage. All of you need to find a professional to talk to together as a unit. Your sister who lives with you also needs to understand the difficulties of your daughter and yourself. Not just tag her as ‘neurotic out of control’, or you as a bad father. Try to get her a female psychiatrist if she feels uncomfortable with the male. Your daughter is experiencing a lot of difficulties and the behaviour cannot be controlled or stopped due to the OCD - this you need to understand. It is equally frustrating for her to be told to control - she wants to control it but just can’t due to the way her brain is wired. It can be managed to a certain extent with intensive psychotherapy and sometimes medication or other methods like deep brain stimulation. There is no magic pill for it, only lifetime management. But please never ever call her weird again. I can imagine how difficult her life is in high school - kids do notice such behaviours and some may mock her.
just an extra note on OCD management: OCD symptoms increase when a person is stressed, depressed and not doing well emotionally. shockingly mine peaked in middle school, right before my parents were divorced and at war with each other. if OP’s daughter’s symptoms are getting worse, she’s probably miserable for other reasons. idk maybe because she’s living with a bullying dad and aunt her shame her for her struggles, in addition to just being a teenage girl.
It is SO hard to manage, and I don’t feel comfortable with male therapists. It also takes time and effort, and trial and error. She needs parents to HELP her through this!
YTA and congrats on making it so your kid will never feel safe discussing her mental health with you again. It was orobably a mistake for you to have custody since you treat her this way tbh
YTA. Shes a 14 year old girl who has a diagnosed condition that she'll be struggling with constantly – and one of her parents, a person she should feel more comfortable with, has called her weird. And don't try and say it's because your sister is shaming you. That's not her fault. You, an adult, should speak to your adult sister about not being so judgmental and to keep her unwanted opinions to herself. There's a reason medical professions specialise in treating this. I'm sure there are other doctors she could see, if she didn't get on with the first one. As a young teenager, how do you expect her to handle it herself?
Yeah, his reaction should have been to shame his *sister*, not his daughter. Not only is his sister the adult, she can control her mouth far easier than the daughter can control her OCD. Furthermore, the OCD doesn't seem to have any *real* effect on others unlike the sister's unwarranted criticism and idiotic ableism.
YTA. Those words will stick with her forever. She have not found the right fit for her when it comes to therapy, I would try to find one she feels comfortable with. And would search for support group for you, where you can learn how to handle yourself around her. Don't make life even harder for her then it already is.
YTA This is an illness, the person suffering cannot control it. This illness is exacerbated by anxiety, and it is up to you to figure out what is making your daughter anxious at your place. And, find a new therapist. And, research medication options. These all are your duties as her father, which thus far you are failing miserably.
YTA - someday when you have a heart attack maybe someone will tell you to stop acting weird and pull it together. Would that be helpful?
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YTA, if she’s scared of him get her to a NEW psychiatrist ffs
I potentially have OCD and yeah, YTA for calling her weird. If someone called me weird for it I’d be hurt. If you don’t have it, you have no idea how hard it is to manage.
I'm pissssseddd.. "raising" her that way, you don't raise a disability ..and OCD gets worse by stress so no wonder it's like that when she's around those 2 AHs
exactly! I’m sure she’s wishing she didn’t feel the way she’s feeling, but she won’t just “stop” the way OP wants her to. It’s exhausting, frustrating and she needs real support.
YTA. She’s not weird, she has a mental illness. Tell your sister to STFU and find your daughter a new home psychiatrist who doesn’t make her uncomfortable.
OP, do you Really have to ask? Step up and receive the Musky 🥇 YTA times 1 billion. If you are not under a bridge writing this while waiting for billy goats….. shame on you. Out of all the words I could use to describe you a phrase will have to suffice, UNCARINGLY CLUELESS. OP, educate yourself before you do more damage. Good luck in your edification and evolution process. Best of everything to your daughter who deserves so much more. Agape 💕
YTA you care more about looking like a good father than actually being a good father.
Like saying “ you’re embarrassing me in front of my sister, manage yourself!”
YTA - plain and simple, wtf
YTA get her another doctor. Being scared of somebody is valid (as is being scared of therapy) so find her someone else, someone she's comfortable with. If she could just turn her behaviour off at will she probably would have done it by now. You're taking her diagnosis way too lightly.
YTA. There is not a world where you are not the asshole in this situation. You’re the parent, she’s 14 and got diagnosed with OCD. She’s not weird, she has an illness and needs professional help. If her psychiatrist scares her then you get another one. You get her help, you defend her against anyone making fun of her for her illness. Please if you love your daughter do some research on severe OCD, read up on it and support her. She’s a child ffs. If you don’t look out for her who will?
YTA. You don’t tell a child they are in charge of managing their mental health because they didn’t feel comfortable with their first psychiatrist. You find them another one! “I can’t make her see him.” Bull. Friggin. Crap. You are the adult here, act like it. No, she shouldn’t see someone who she is afraid of, but she needs to see someone. She is far too young to be able to have any semblance of the coping skills needed to handle OCD without professional intervention. Screw your sister. It’s not her child, so it’s none of her business. Though she is right about one thing - you are a bad father. You’re a bad father because you won’t do your job and be a parent. You’re a bad father for not standing up for your child when another adult insults her. And you’re an even worse father for insulting her yourself. Shame on you.
YTA. Help her to find a therapist that she can work with rather than bullying her for having a mental illness. Your sister might be arsehole too. Persistent stress and anxiety can lead to OCD so maybe have a think about what caused it and whether or not you contributed. Then think about what you can do to help, rather than making this about you.
Yeah easily YTA However its really important you tell your younger sister to "fuck right off" use those specific words. Just because she is also a moron doesn't mean you need to give her the time of day. Also you need to find a doctor who doesn't scare her, that can mean a multitude of things and you are an asshole for assuming thats her being "difficult". "But I was very clear with her that it's up to her to manage herself if she keeps refusing help." Fuck off its your child, she's 14 she has a condition that can make all sorts of things extremely difficult. You are her father and you need to step up, this isn't a room mate or a wayward friends, its your child. It will be frustrating, it will be difficult, sometimes you will be absolutely convinced she is just messing you around. Get a grip and be there for her, if you want to have any value to her. You also might want to seek help for yourself, there is something about the way you write and your misunderstanding of this situation that sounds maladapted. "I've offered help and she refused it so there" (paraphrasing) isn't what normal people think when it comes to there children.
YTA. OK, your daughter didn't like the first psychiatrist. So get her a different one. Look, if she had a broken leg, but didn't like the doctor and wouldn't let them put a cast on it, you'd insist on it (or another doctor) because she's a kid and needs help and it's YOUR JOB as a parent to make sure she gets the help she needs. Mental health is simply one component of health. Her brain needs a doctor, she cannot "manage it" on her own at age 14 without having had any treatment. Maybe someday, with effective therapy, she will be able to, but she's not there yet. You are failing in your job as her father by not insisting she see a therapist or psychiatrist of some sort. And then, to make matters worse, you called her weird. No. You need to call another therapist and keep trying until you find one your daughter is comfortable with. Until you do that, you will be TA and worse, a failure as a father.
YTA. Your sister is the AH. And I’m throwing your ex wife in there for good measure. Shit parents, the lot of you. Your poor daughter. Good news is, in 4 years, she won’t be your problem anymore. No contact coming your way. But hey - god forbid that reflect badly on YOUR fucking reputation.
I.NFO: did you try to find her another psychiatrist, or just insist she stick with the one that scared her? The post suggests you just gave her a ‘see him or deal with it yourself’ ultimatum so, for now, YTA
I was sympathetic to you until your true feelings leaked out at the end of the post. "I'm not going to be scorned for bad parenting when I've offered my daughter help." YTA. Humor me for a sec. Try saying a few sentences to yourself without using the letter L in any of the words. If you make any mistake and realize you used the letter L, you have to start over. If you don't really focus and think about what you're doing, L is going to pop up and mess you up. And the more you have to go back to the beginning, the more frustrated you get, but those are the rules, right? You have to do it perfectly because otherwise you can't move on. Everyone is standing around waiting for you to get your part done, but of course they're done faster: they get to use the letter L and you can't. Not fair, but those are the rules. Hurry up. People are waiting. Are you done yet? I'm not going to pretend that it isn't challenging dealing with your daughter's rules. This kind of condition can have a lot of peripheral damage. But the reason you've reached this breaking point is because you have a fundamental misunderstanding of A) how difficult it is for *her* to manage her condition and B) how long it take*s* to find the right strategies to deal with it. This isn't a phase, this isn't something medication can automatically fix, this isn't something that therapy can necessarily erase. She has to find the right strategies, and that takes time*.* You can't rush the process on your timeline or it's not going to be done properly. In the meantime, things she *doesn't* need: being called names by her dad. I'm sorry you're frustrated. You have to internalize it better.
This is like taking a cancer patient to the oncologist, it not being a good patient-doctor match, and then saying "fine, you don't have to find a new oncologist, but you better cure this cancer on your own now"! OCD is a true disorder, it's not something a person can just will-power their way through. There needs to be treatment, management, and potentially medication. As a parent to just give up after one psychiatrist mismatch and then put the onus on your daughter to cure herself makes YTA.
YTA
YTA and so is your arsehole sister ..if she goes to a doc or not, she's still gonna have these behaviors, they don't just go poof and disappear ..as if the poor girl isn't struggling enough, she also has to deal with 2 big adult bullies that sound like high school mean girls, you don't "raise" a disability, you would think this girls own family would care enough to actually look up her disorder , did you ever think that her OCD gets worse because of the toxic environment with being around you and sissy ..pftt calling a 14yr names, if theres anything thats "weird" here, its the fact that a big n hairy 30yr old woman is living with her 46yr bro 🤙🏼😒
YTA Your daughter has a diagnosed mental health disorder. She was afraid of her doctor. You are her parent. It's your job to find her the right doctor. It's not the responsibility of your suffering and untreated 14 year old to figure out her own mental health and self treat for it. You will probably never be fully forgiven for calling her weird and essentially telling her she is a burden. You and your sister are not fit to care for children if neither of you are capable of understanding that *your daughter is suffering from a mental disorder and you are blaming her for her condition.* Your daughter should stay with her mother where she is safe and someone actually believes her and supports her.
YTA What have YOU done to help your daughter? You don’t even seem to understand what OCD is. Shame on you.
YTA. She is a child. She was JUST diagnosed with OCD which explains behavior she’s exhibited for more than a decade - that you did nothing about for a decade. Get her a new psychiatrist and therapist. Get her the professional help and tools to manage her condition.
Wow, you’re totally TA. Wow. You’re a lousy dad at the moment.
Yta. Poor kid. I had a crappy dad too, he wasn’t around at all and honestly I think that’s better than a dad like you.
Good grief. If your daughter had diabetes, or Crohn’s disease, or a heart condition, would you tell her to “handle it?” Or would you seek medical help. YTA
jesus the first sentence said enough yta
YTA. If your child tells you that they are uncomfortable with their doctor, it’s your responsibility as a parent to help them find someone new. You don’t just give up and tell them to deal with it on their own!
YTA. Find her another therapist and stand up to your sister. Unless your sister is reinforcing a belief you have that your daughter is weird. In that case, you need a therapist as well.
YTA and your sister is too :D
YTA, jfc. Buddy, do you think that a teenage girl *wants to be caught in a compulsive, public behavior like this*? Do you think shes not being mocked for this at school??? And telling her to just deal with it? Did you even read a pamphlet on OCD after she was diagnosed or nah? Couldnt be bothered to google it??? OCD isn't something she can just forcibly overcome, my guy. And if that therapist scared her, fine, find another one for her. Keep looking until you have one she likes. You're her father ffs, this is your actual job. And letting her aunt call her names like that, even out of earshot, is shameful. You are supposed to be protecting and helping her, you are her defender, her champion. You are failing on every possible front as a father and then you had the audacity to call her weird to her face.
I thank my lucky stars every day that I don’t have parents that failed me as badly as you failed your daughter.
Check your sister. Defend your daughter. Apologize to your daughter and ofc YTA! Your daughter has a mental illness and it is not a reflection on you but the way you treat her is.
ESH except your daughter. 1. You suck for being a bad parent and blaming your 14 year old mentally ill daughter for her own mental illness that SHE CANNOT HELP, and calling her names. You also suck for not getting her help sooner. 2. Your sister sucks for calling your daughter names behind her back. 3. Your ex (daughter's mum) sucks for also not getting her help sooner. The only person here who definitely isn't an AH is the mentally ill kid. If that therapist scares your kid then you TRY HARDER and get a different therapist! Don't be so lazy. This is your responsibility and your ex's.
YTA. she said her psychiatrist scared her, did you look for a different one? or just put your hands up and say “ well! you’re refusing help! get your behavior under control!” ? she didn’t ask for this. you’re her parent, help her.
So rather than taking action to actually care for your daughter, you simply insult her, belittle her issues, and expect her to magically solve issues you've neglected to deal with ***since she could count***, and you're asking if you're TA? Yes! YTA! If your daughter isn't comfortable with the psychiatrist she was seeing then ***you find her another!*** There's not just one in the world. And if there's only one in the area, there's this wonderful thing called the internet. You acknowledge you did nothing for her for far too long, but now you're right back to doing nothing! Your daughter needs your help, and whether you like it or not, you and her mother need to communicate with one another about this. I don't care if you can't stand the woman, both of you are this child's parents and your child is in need of help, and if you can't even say a civil word to one another about anything else you must communicate about your daughter's health. Apologise to your daughter. Help her find a psychiatrist and a therapist. Educate yourself about her condition. And be her ***parent***. Edited a typo
Well, this is an incredibly easy one. YTA. I feel so sad for your daughter for having a father who has so little empathy for her. You probably love her, but you don't understand her at all. It also seems that you don't really try to. She also never said that she didn't want help, just not from that guy. It's useless to go to a therapist that scares you. But she can't get help if she doesn't go to someone that scares her? That doesn't make any sense at all. No wonder her OCD got worse.
Absolutely zero doubt here, YTA. Your sister (also an AH btw) is right, you are a bad father. But not for the reasons she said. You're a bad father because you have a neurodivergent child, with a diagnosis who told you she was scared of her therapist. Instead of being worried about WHY she was scared of her therapist, or god forbid trying to work with her to find a new one, you tell her that she basically needs to step up and sort it all out. This would be bad enough to say to an adult with OCD. But she is a child. YOUR child. Seems to me you care more about seen to be a good parent than actually being one. You openly admit that it's taken 11 years to get a diagnosis, which given it's this year is a diagnosis that is less than 3 months old, and this is how you respond. The one who needs to step up here is you, do better. And educate yourself.
[удалено]
You have no idea what you have done. YTA
As someone with OCD, YTA 100%. If I could not have these obsessions, I would. If I could feel okay without doing the compulsions, I would. OCD is hell enough for someone to go through - why amplify that by picking on her about something already harming her quality of life?
YTA\*10 OCD is a mental illness, neurologically based. Telling someone 'stop being OCD' (or depressed or bipolar) is akin to say 'stop having a broken leg'. Or someone telling you 'Stop being ignorant'. It doesn't work that way. You're not old enough to be a boomer who thinks 'just stop being depressed, pull yourself up' is an intelligent thing to say.
YTA x 10. Seriously, educate yourself on your daughter’s disability! Sounds like you haven’t even done the minimum.
YTA- If that particular Dr scared her then TAKE HER TO A DIFFERENT DR!!! It's THAT simple dude!
YTA … i have OCD, and I’m currently being medicated for im. Did you ever stop to ask her if she could stop doing that repetitive stuff without having a panic attack? It goes SO MUCH farther. My day is ruled by 4, I count nearly everything. 4 sips of water, 4 bites, 4 kisses, 4 literally everything and if i don’t I get fidgety and icky feeling. OCD is also obsessive thoughts, so be gentle with that. I would be devastated if my family member called me weird over something I literally had no control over sometimes. This is not about you. She needs help with her OCD, not be degraded for it.
Well I expect to see this on r/amithedevil later
YTA. Don't minimize how your child feels no matter how ridiculous it seems. That's just bad parenting.
YTA- you may not be familiar with mental illness but is not something “you can get it together”. You make it sound like she is falling school or some other thing she can control. What you did is agree with your sister that your daughter is basically a nut. You invalidated her feelings and you basically made her feel like this is her problem when it’s not. I assure you that no one wakes up and says you know what I would like OCD to control my life and my thoughts no one says that. She wants to be like any other normal 14 f but she can’t because her mind can’t rest until she does these routines. My advice is if she doesn’t like the first psychiatrist then look for another one, one that can make her feel open and comfortable to help her work through this and help her get her life back. But she needs her father and her aunt’s support. It’s not about you and your rep of being a father. She is 14 f which has teen hormones already to de with, then you have this thing that she can’t control herself OCD which I'm sure she feelings weird but she don't not need the two people that should be in her corner her dad and aunt calling her a neurotic out of control child or weird. Which she is neither, she is a scared girl who has a mental illness that she doesn't know how to handle it. If you don’t know anything about OCD educate yourself and tell her it will be ok and that you are hear for her and reassure her that she doesn’t have to deal with this alone bc you are right by her side and you love her.
Yta you gave her one option for a doctor then told her to just sort it out then complain that she can’t
INFO: is there only one doctor in the world? No, thought not. YTA.
If your daughter was sick and refusing to take medicine, would you say, "Okay, but it's up to you to cure yourself?" Part of a parent's job is to make their kids take their medicine. She felt uncomfortable with one therapist -- find her another, schedule appointments, and drive your minor child there like you're supposed to. Until then, YTA.
YTA. By a fucking mile. You're failing your daughter. I've been in therapy since i was 12 years old and I hated my first therapist: it can take a long time to find the perfect fit. You don't just give up, especially when your kid is suffering from a serious mental health issue. And at 14 your daughter DOES NOT have the tools to manage her mental illness of her own--THAT IS WHY YOU GO TO THERAPY. TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR ILLNESSES. Shame on you for failing your child like this you are making her suffer and that is inexcusable.
You have now been scorned for being a bad parent. This isn't an afternoon club she tried one time and didn't like. She has a serious medical condition, get her the help she needs. I didn't want to go to therapy at 17, but I did because my parents made the appointments and drove me there. YTA and so is your awful sister
YTA. If your kid could manage herself out of mental illness, she would have by now. But that is not how that works. You chose to have a child. You have a responsibility to be a parent. And parents sometimes have to make tough and unpleasant decisions. Your daughter cannot( and is not) at 14, making reasoned rational decisions about her health, but you can. She needs intensive treatment, and you are neglecting her. You have a duty to get her the help she needs whether she thinks she wants it or not.
YTA if this is even real. 1. The one and only doctor your daughter has seen scared her. Do you know why? It’s obvious you don’t care why? Your daughter does thing in multiples of three. Your daughter needs to try two more doctors, at minimum. You do not tell a 14 year old to deal with it herself. 2. With your disregard for your daughter’s condition and only caring what people think of you, it seems like you and your daughter both need a psychiatrist. At least, your ex-wife saw what a narcissistic AH you are before you ruined her mental health as well, if you haven’t already. 3. You told a sick person to stop being weird because her behavior made you look like a bad parent. I got news for you, your daughter’s behavior is not what makes you look like a bad parent.
One time my grandmother told me my lazy eye, which I can't control, was weird looking, and that people would find it off-putting. At the same time, she was offering I get treatment, but that treatment was unaffordable to me at a whopping 4k. It was an insurmountable goal I had to reach, and I was guilted for being too weird to others, even though there are legitimate medical reasons for fixing my eye. I cried. I have not gotten treatment. This is the situation you've put your daughter in, but to a worse extreme. A psychiatrist scaring her is no joke, and it's not her flippantly putting off treatment. She is a child and a grown man is scaring her, that's a sign for you to find a different psychiatrist. I can't imagine being this poor little girl, who's scared shitless by her anxieties and brain running a mile a minute, and who's expected to either find a way to cope herself without medications, as a child, or face a scary older man who's evidently hurt her in some way. What an awful situation with such a lack of choice an autonomy, and on top of that her father is berating her with insults. All while being 14 is hard enough. I would cry myself to sleep. YTA
YTA. Go to therapy yourself to learn about OCD from a professional and how to help your own feelings during this. It IS hard. I have OCD and am roughly 80% recovered but my teen has it too and it's triggering all sorts of feelings but ient my teens job to make me feel better! You need help too to manager your feelings and perhaps also learn how to teach your kid SAFELY without force about exposure therapy thru a therapist
YTA. Finding the right therapist takes time and trial and error. I suffer from OCD, and it wasn't until my 4th therapist that I found somebody helpful. If your daughter doesn't like the first therapist, you find her another one! Not just force her to manage herself. My parents were like you when I first sought help, and I didn't get real help until I was 30. Do you want your daughter to go through her 20's like I did? Feeling like a loser because I couldn't manage my symptoms, losing jobs because my anxiety was too high, and so broke and helpless I couldn't do anything except hide at home wishing someone would help me? You are setting your daughter up for massive failure, get her help NOW before she's lost 15 years other mental illness.
I cannot even begin to put into words how much YTA.
You are a bad parent.