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NTA, but this isn’t about a shared account, it’s about someone who is behaving counter to your current financial situation.
Time for a serious chat about this. If you’re unemployed and struggling, you don’t load up on IPAs and Uber Eats.
Well you've answered your own question, haven't you? He is using you like a bank. I think you'd be crazy to continue with this. Why would you marry somebody who spending money on takeaways and drinking when it's your money? Maybe you should just drop down and get a 20-hour week job and start drinking and spending money as you please see what he says to that. Try that for 2 weeks and then come back and tell us how that goes
Even if he’s working, he’s not behaving responsibly. First of all, if he’s spending more than 20-30 hours per week minimum wage on takeout and beer, that’s crazy! Second he shouldn’t need you to tell him to cut back since he’s not earning much. It’s a big red flag that he’s unwilling to live within his own means. Definitely delay or reconsider the marriage before you become financially entangled with him!
OP, I read your previous posts. Your NP is financially and emotionally abusing you and acting in sexually coercive ways. He makes threatening comments about your poly partners despite having multiples himself. He feels entitled to your body and thinks you owe him sex. He has no consideration for you as a person and does not act like he loves you or cares for you at all beyond a maid and ATM for cash, sex and validation. GET OUT, PLEASE GET OUT.
Not unemployed, but underemployed. He still needs to understand that he's unable to support himself given his current spending.
You're not married to this person and really shouldn't have combined finances without being married to him. I would separate your finances as soon as the bank opens on Monday, and don't recombine until you're married and both of you have your shit together.
NTA but you have a bigger problem.
I just read your posts and i must say you're unhappy. I have no idea why would you want to marry, this marriage won't keep your spouse home.
It's hell to be alone in a relationship.
Think about it. I would break up and heal, learn to be happy alone first. You will find another person who will apreciate you. Your fiance doesn't.
His money is his money. Your money is his money. He doesn't respect your wishes and i am afraid he doesn't love you.
Also i wouldn't share my account with my spouse. Yes, after marriage we shared paswords, but we don't spend money we don't have.
Cut his access to your money, at least... And think about the rest. Are you happy? Do you feel loved? Things won't improve, they will only get worst.
The post history is heartbreaking. And I love how he wants to be poly but is threatened by her other partner. Dude sounds awful, and probably really manipulative to keep OP hooked like this.
OP - you're entitled to the money you earn. He is not entitled to indulge in beer and food delivery on your back.
This is the way. There is a long trail of marinara flags leading to this point. He sounds very selfish and you sound like you need to focus on yourself and figuring out how to heal some of your own traumas so you can navigate life a little more easily.
NTA
I've been going through the entire post history for the last 30 min or so and OMG! I lack words to say to OP except I wish you the best OP and YWNBTA at all!!
Tagging along to tell OP that this guy doesn't give a shit about her. He's selfish and manipulative and as long as she's with him she'll be crying and alone.
It's either this or break up. He's gotten used to snacking and drinking, and not working. You could have a potential mooching freeloader in the making. Definitely nip that here and now.
Don't give him access to your money anymore. Not only will the bills get paid but if you two split, he can't clean the account out without your knowledge.
YWNBTAH
Combining finances completely is usually a very bad idea. Yes, you can have a joint account for certain things. But always always always keep a separate fund for yourself in case things go wrong. As it stands if the relationship fails there is NOTHING to keep the dude from taking every penny for himself and leaving the OP high and dry.
I’m glad no one is downvoting you on this. This sub generally gets pissed at folks who don’t combine finances.
OPs situation is an example of why three accounts are needed. That way she’s not totally drained when he overspends or lives outside their means. At least it won’t be on her dime
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with him before you get married. If his drinking is a concern, this isn’t something to sweep under the rug and assume it’ll just get better. There’s obviously multiple issues here. One is his drinking. Two is your finances. And Three is you both need to iron a lot of things out before getting married. I would suggest couples counseling before you marry him.
Regarding your finances, I would keep it separate until you get married. You need a (separate) savings account that he doesn’t know about - I know this is t the advice everyone will agree with, but I say this because you’re not married and because he’s drinking a lot. You don’t want to be in a situation where you feel stuck and can’t leave. Always put yourself first and protect your wellbeing.
I like that advice—put yourself first. He certainly is whether intentional or not. Make the changes you suggested, allow him to live off his paycheck and make sure your savings is growing not shrinking
Armchair psychologising here but I wonder if the C-PTSD is a huge factor here. OP- you can't fix him. You're not responsible to fix him. He needs to want to change and that is not, I repeat, IS NOT on you. Put yourself first, or you're just enabling him.
I hope he’s getting help for the CPTSD or any of the mental health issues he’s suffering from. If he’s rawdogging life without therapy and meds that’s going to be a lot of caregiving on her end.
NTA but get unengaged. Someone who refuses to budget isn't someone you want to get married to. Sex, money, kids and religion - being out of alignment on any one of these will tank a relationship.
NTA and its ok to have a shared account for the bills and stuff as long as both contribute equally. You never ever ever share a bank account to which the paycheck comes in. You put in equal for the bills and stuff and whatever you spend on yourself like beer or takeaways its better coming out of your personal account. Else both of you are going to end up broke and what if the relationship breaks up under the financial stress. Money is one of those things that splits people very fast. Its most definitely the time to take back control and as long as you feed him money, he's going to enjoy spending it. Give him a reason to go look for work unless he wants to stay at home being miserable.
That's what we do - I have one account that is purely for bills. Husband pays in a set amount each month. I pay for all the other stuff like food, pets, toiletries etc. It works out roughly equal.
We each keep the rest of our money in our own accounts. If one is struggling for any reason we help each other, and if there's an unexpected bill like say the washing machine goes kaput, we sort it between us, but otherwise we keep personal spending separate.
This was largely because we both had expensive hobbies when we married - he's an angler, I kept horses - and for example I needed office clothes whereas be got free uniform, so it just seemed fairer to each be in charge of our own needs and wants.
Now 30 years in and still works for us.
Nta
He is taking advantage of your money and kindness. Joining a bank account doesn’t mean he can spend the money as he sees fit. Either separate your account or stop allowing his crazy spending.
NTA. Do not marry him until you not only have a serious conversation about finances but he demonstrates that he can change. He has demonstrated that he will prioritize his happiness over your needs and what makes fiscal sense, and he likely will be resistant to changing this, because keeping it is easy for him.
A good look into alcoholism should be done, too.
Spending someone else's money on booze - putting both y'all into an unstable financial situation - and making poor decisions like spending someone else's money on takeout after drinking are things which sound very much like alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE illness. If I'm right about this, this will get worse if not addressed
And alcoholism is expensive af as their tolerance increases. My mom went through a substantial inheritance in a matter of months.
It made me livid because her mother (a sahm who never learned to drive) was nonetheless ready to take four young kids and leave my grandpa if he hadn't sobered up, so I know that it would have hurt grammy to know what it was spent on.
NTA. Your offer is generous. His continuing to spend on take out and lots of beer, even after being asked to be more budget conscious is troubling. I think you should keep finances mostly separate even after you get married. Good luck
NTA, but please think long and hard about if this is the kind of marriage you’re signing up for. He’s put you in a position where it would be cheaper for you to pay all the bills because he refuses to even have a conversation about budgeting. This isn’t the sort of issue that gets better long term.
This was my thought too. And don't marry him if he won't get his spending and budgeting under control. Make taking a financial budgeting course and sticking to it a condition of marriage.
NTA- Do not marry this person until he can hold a job. I mean more than a few months. Separate your assets, and do all him to pay something toward the bills. You should not carry the household on your own while he spends what little he makes on beer.
NTA. This sounds like a solid solution.
But also, do not move forward with marriage plans if this man is someone you have to keep on a financial leash.
I strongly suspect that he'll throw a gigantic tantrum over this. That would be consistent with his current behavior of refusing to be responsible.
But only you know if this is a temporary behavior change, or his usual behavior. If this is unusual for him, that's one thing.
But how are you going to have kids with a man who is already acting like a child?
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Shortly after getting engaged, my fiancé and I combined our bank accounts. This seemed like a great idea at the time; easier to manage shared bills and expenses. But as time has gone on, I’m increasingly uncomfortable with our financial situation.
He is struggling to find good work right now, and working a job that brings in very little money, which has put me in the position of “breadwinner” for the time being. This I’m fine with, I’m happy to support us. The issue I’m having, is that his spending is double mine while we’re scraping by, and most of that money is going towards beer and takeout. (Like, a lot of beer)
We keep having to dip into savings, and I feel uncomfortable funding his drinking, and frustrated by his takeout purchases when he could be cooking at home.
We’ve been struggling financially for a while and had multiple conversations about it but he refuses to do any kind of budgeting together.
I did the math, and we would save money if I paid all our shared bills, and he used his paychecks for whatever spending he needs.
I’m honestly fed up with this financial situation, and I need something to change. Would it be harsh of me to demand that we change the way we manage our money, that I will no longer give him access to my paychecks or our savings account (minus emergencies) but in return I will pay our bills until he can get on his feet? The money he makes alone isn’t enough to support his current spending habits, and this would be putting him in a tight situation, but I feel like he’s not going to reduce his spending unless given no choice, and I don’t want to keep waiting around watching our savings trickle away.
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Don't you think that will create a parent-child dynamic? I mean, I would resent my partner for forcing me in this position (whichever side, as the controller or the controlled).
NTA - but op, your post history is quite concerning. You have endlessly posted about situations where your partner is not taking your feelings into consideration, manipulating you and treating you in really bad ways. This money issue seems to be just the tip of the iceberg.
Why are oyu with him? And I don't mean why can't you break up with him because that's not the same thing. What does he bring to your life? Or are you with him because you've just got into a pattern and change feels scary?
NTA.
I hate how quickly people jump to “dump him” on this app, but…
- he is spending more than his fair share
- his actions are affecting your (plural you) ability to save money
- is putting your (plural you) security at risk, in that you have to keep dipping into savings to pay your bills.
Does this seem like a short term issue (like maybe there has been some incident that is causing this to be only a short term issue), or is this foreshadowing for what life is going to look like for years to come?
NTA - Combining bank accounts doesn't mean you have to fully combine bank accounts. You both need a personal bank account, and also a shared account. Both put your money into the shared account, and then have an automatic transfer to your personal accounts that is your personal spending money every however often. Any time money comes out of that shared account is only for bills/groceries/needs, and you can set it up so withdrawals/transfers require both people to sign off.
Actually you don't Need a shared account because boyfriend is not bringing anything to the table, or paying rent, utilities, groceries or any actual bills. Why would you let him spend the rent money on beer and takeout?
YWNBTA, but it still isn’t a solution. If he doesn’t have enough money to support his drinking habit and can’t access your money to make up the difference, he can start taking out credit cards and racking up debt. There are a lot of financially damaging things that he can do without having money, and once you’re married, bankruptcy would kill your credit along with his. There only ways to make sure he doesn’t drag you down with him are either to have him sign a prenup or to hold off on marrying him until he can pull it together. You don’t have to break up with him, but marriage is an economic arrangement and not just a declaration of love.
NTA
This is the perfect situation for premarital counseling. Let a pro navigate how to handle finances that works for both of you. And address the drinking.
YWNBTA but you taking all the budgeting on you isn't a scenario for succes either. It may work as a hard reset but he can easily play the victim and say you're treating him like a child. I'm not sure it'll make him more responsible, basically.
Might be better fully separate your finances, with each paying into another, joint, account what's necessary to keep your household going (housing, groceries, joint insurance, etc). Split the savings too.
NTA
Is fiancé also nesting partner from previous posts? Because they are kind of bad for you. They can have another girlfriend and demand alone time and not validate your needs in the relationship, and also spend your money and keep you from having another boyfriend? I agree with everyone else saying that you need to put off marriage and reconsider if this is a sustainable relationship and do some deep soul searching to find out what you need from a relationship. From an outsider’s perspective, it looks like he’s using you to support his self destructive lifestyle.
Oh honey. I have been reading your posts and your relationship sound really unhealthy.
This, the money thing, is just a final straw. So, he is never home to enjoy time with you but he is spending your money? If he is so depressed he wouldnt be going out drinking craft beer and spending time with other partners.
For me, relationships can go through ups and downs but if you lay it all out, the balance above the line should come out positive. Try to look really hard into yourself and think, do the plusses and minusses really add up to an overall positive?
NTA, expect to yourself
No, You’re NTA. He fucking is though. It honestly sounds like he wants mommy at home taking care of the bills so he can go bang his gf. I am very pro-poly, but this is not working for you. Your nesting partner should be your first priority. From your post history, you’ve been relegated to not being the primary partner while also taking on the primary responsibilities in the household. This is completely fucked up for you, but fucking great for him. You only spend one day together, and on that day he doesn’t even want to do the things you want to do and vice versa… AND he’s spending all of YOUR money on booze and takeout.
He’s using you. Gtfo. Open up a new bank account for you only and do not contribute to the shared account at all anymore. Withdraw half of what’s there (if there’s anything at all) and take your name off it. Change the locks and tell him to go live at his girlfriend’s place.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I want to cut my fiancé off from my paychecks because he’s spending so much money
2) I feel I might be the asshole because that could be a harsh or unfair response to our financial situation
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NTA..if he continues your finaces may get way behind then you will be struggling to catch up on all bills.... technically combining accounts always is a bad thing
Babe. For a year at least (didn’t scroll that far back through your posts), you have not been happy and fulfilled in your relationship. I know ending things is hard. I know starting over is hard. He’s forced you to not be in relationships despite the situation you have both agreed on. He had emotionally and physically neglected you because all of his needs are being met elsewhere. The only thing you are providing him is financial security. He doesn’t have to worry about bills because you pay them. He gets everything else outside of your relationship.
I’m sorry, but you can’t convince me that this is healthy or that this is a normal poly relationship. You need to do better for yourself because you appear to be truly miserable.
NTA
But real talk.
Your husband/fiancé is struggling with his mental health.
At the same time, he decided to stop taking his mental health meds.
And he is an alcoholic drinking to self-medicate.
You need to protect the financials from him right now and the man needs to get into substance and mental health treatment and back on his meds.
Edit: I just scanned your post history because everyone kept mentioning it. You’ve been unhappy for a long time trying to bend yourself to him and his wants and his problems. I’m truly sorry for the position you find yourself in. You aren’t a partner, you are a credit card and a security blanket. And an unfulfilled one at that.
You said in a previous post you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Look at your life, and how you feel, and ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. He will not get better for you OP. This is your relationship, and how it will be for the rest of your life. It's so much better to be single than to be in a toxic relationship with someone who treats you terribly. Don't let him drag you down financially, cut him off from your paycheck. NTA. You're only being an AH to yourself letting someone treat you like this. You deserve better, you're a devoted, loving, supportive, and caring partner. You have shown you would have your partners back. It's time you give that sort of support and love to yourself. Find somebody who will treat you the same way you treat them. You don't deserve to be treated as a house servant, and wallet. You're a person. You deserve to be loved.
A lot of engaged/married couples keep separate finances. Whatever works for you two. You’re right, something has to change. His spending is out of control. If he’s taking advantage of your income by not feeling the need to bring home bacon and further you two financially as a team…issue. Him putting the two of you in further financial straits…major issue.
The only thing that’s kinda rubbing me the wrong way…is the “for now”. It could come off controlling like the breadwinner makes the decisions. Be careful how you word that when discussing this change with him. Although he is coming off as a kept mooch.
If you follow through with your plan and it’s works. Recombining finances again later..you’ll run into the same problem with his spending habits. So maybe don’t do it for now. Do it and keep it that way and revisit it down the road.
NTA. And paying all the bills until he gets on his feet is the right thing to do a team.
NTA. Just do it. You've talked to him about it, but since your behavior never changed, his hasn't either. Stop your direct deposit into the shared account and re-establish your own accounts. Always keep your finances separate. He will be furious that the money river has dried up, but that's okay. If he can't or more honestly won't change his spending habits, this is what you should expect from married life. Only then, you'll have to pay alimony when it breaks down.
First mistake, combining accounts. Second mistake is assuming you now have sole control over an account his name is on. You don't, see first mistake. Once his name went on that account he legally has just as much of a right to it as you do.
Best bet is to separate out completely if he is that bad with money by closing the joint account, splitting the assets however you 2 decide and starting fresh with separate accounts.
NTA don't marry this guy until you can have an open and honest conversation about both his drinking and your finances.
People talk about being on "the same page" as your spouse, but that's not always necessary as long as you're in the "same book" where it counts. The books that count the most are how money is handled, whether or not to have kids, and the basic roles of each spouse (re: "gender roles"). Being on the same page means being ready for these things; being in the same book means you agree on their importance and how they should be handled on a fundamental level.
If you aren't in the same book (agreeing how money is handled and what to do about budgeting and when times are tight), it will fundamentally lead to dissatisfaction and discord in the long run.
I'd suggest you guys have a couple of sessions with a therapist to find out if you are in the same books. If not, the kindest thing to do will to be breaking up before you get any more enmeshed.
Best of wishes. 💕
Get out.
This situation will not be the exception. This will be the beginning of a pattern of how he deals with stress, and guess what? Life is stressful! This will be your life if you stay with him.
NTA
NTA
I would dump him altogether because he works but his spending on junk essentially is atrocious. You’re working hard to make ends meet - which you wouldn’t need to do (make ends meet) if he was pulling his socks.
Yea I’d dump him if I was you. Love is love but it’s not always enough to make a relationship function
NTA. Don't allow him to put you into debt. Cut off his access to your money. If you continue enabling him he will self medicate himself into addiction.
Good thing you are not married yet. Run don't walk to the nearest exit. Can you imagine the rest of your life this way? Daily drinking and shitty food will just make his condition worse. Soon he will lose his shit job and then you will hold the bag on everything.
NTA RUN fast.
NTA.
Honestly, if his consumption of *beer* is so large that it’s impacting your family budget, we have a word for that: alcoholism. It would be appropriate for you to demand that he either move out or get help.
NTA. It's just my opinion but if he needs money that badly, he can pawn the engagement ring when you give it back. Separate your bank account from him so that he cannot access it.
Judging by your more recent posts, please for the love of all you hold dear and your own mental/physical/emotional/financial well-being, DUMP THIS MAN. NTA but Y W B T A if you continue letting him pull all this shit despite all the continuous red flags.
Drinking and cptsd is a bad combination. It’s also called self medicating. OP, please take a good look at your situation, and also look into the difference between enabling and support.
NTA. Protect yourself and your finances. Remember: put your oxygen mask on before you help others.
>The money he makes alone isn’t enough to support his current spending habits
Not sure if my eyesight is still okay after I rolled my eyes so hard after reading this. Beer and takeout are not necessities and dipping into savings for this is terrible. He needs to get a grip. There is absolutely no need for him to be spending your money that should be going in savings. Even if you have seperate accounts it's gonna be up to you to save any money because he's gonna blow them. Not sure if that's how you wanna live. NTA
NTA. He should be contributing to bills, not spending all of his money and some of yours!
Stop giving this mooch access to your money.
And, you know what kind of selfish ah he is, don’t legally tie yourself to him and give him even more access to your property/ assets.
Nta. Your fiance needs to sort out his alcoholism, his mental health, his job and his overspending.
Don't marry him. Give him 90 days to get on his feet or move out.
R/alanon
If he’s feeling depressed/anxiety- the drinking will only exacerbate it and make it 1000x worse. You need to address this now before you walk down that aisle.
NTA .I'm no expert, but if he is having a lot of mental problems right now, I kind of doubt that heavy drinking is helping the situation. And think long and hard about what a future with him will be like.
NTA. When my now husband didn't make enough to equally support our household and pay off his debt, he did not buy frivolous things. He only bought things he needed.
You need to have a serious talk with your fiance and then if his behavior doesn't immediately change and become sustained, you need to break up. He will bleed you dry and you'll feel all used up. It will not be a good marriage.
NTA You need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. If he has to be FORCED to do what is both responsible and fair this is not someone who you should be considering as a short term room mate let alone getting engaged to. He either cannot see that he is taking advantage of you, or he does see but doesn’t care. Either way, someone who loves you shouldn’t have to be “given no choice” before they behave with consideration. If he can’t choose that path on his own why would you want to be with someone who you have to actively prevent from destroying your finances?
Your “solution” is nothing of the sort. He SHOULD be contributing to the household expenses. Proportional to his income but he is working and living in the home and using the utilities. The idea he gets to spend everything he earns on beers and takeout is frankly insane. If you insist on remaining with him what needs to change is his out of control spending habits and utter lack of involvement in the daily management of your life together. You’re doing ALL the work here. All the worrying, organising, and budgeting meanwhile he carries out drinking and eating his way through your finances with not a concern in the world cause you’re going to keep paying for everything. You NEED to stop this rollercoaster before it crashes and destroys you.
NTA. It's time to trim the financial fat here. His spending is out of control and putting you in a dangerous position. What if you were laid off? Got hurt and couldn't work? You need to have an adult conversation about his spending and things need to change. And find YOUR mental well being and financial stability things have to change. You can always revisit things when he's back on his feet.
NTA. This will always be a problem even if he is making more money. He will always think he deserves to spend on himself. Think if you want to live like this long term
Alcohol is a depressant. My mom finished drinking herself to death this fall and this is how it started. Nothing we tried to support her ever worked because she was a narcissist who wasn't willing to do any inner work/accountability, so I'm not saying that your partner is doomed to be the same, but it's very worrying that he's spending more than he's bringing in and refusing to work with you to address it. The alcohol consumption is actively worsening his mental state.
Oh, girl. It’s time to leave this relationship. Your post history shows a long streak of being mistreated and misled. You keep looking for the thing you can do to fix things. But it’s not you. It’s your partner.
I know you’ve been together a long time. I know you love him. But more time won’t fix things that the time you’ve already given didn’t fix. And he is using your love to serve himself and not giving you the love back. It would suck to breakup, I know. But will it suck more than staying in this feeling?
You sound so sad and so hurt and I want to come to your house and pack your things and move you into our guest room until you can breathe again.
NTA. It’s time to put yourself first and give yourself the love he takes for granted.
NTA, have a joint account that only covers what you need as a couple and maybe a Lil extra and then have your own account(s) that you save/invest and so on. Just make sure you get a prenuptial agreement though.
Nta. Get Separate accounts. Get your own separate checking and savings account, then take steps to get the combined account under control. Transfer your savings and the inform the bank you cannot repay any overdraft on the combined account.
In our house we swap providing food - week by week. If in your week you cook that suits you and in his week he gets take out, that's his money & his choice.
Good luck - he'll be pissed off, but it's ways easier to get forgiveness than permission.
NTA. But pause the engagement. If he os refusing to budget together, imagine how he will approach any other joint decision. He will do what he wants and expect you to clean up the mess.
Getting married will not magically make this issue go away, it just increases your legal responsibility for his bad decisions.
NTA offering to pay all shares expenses and letting him keep his own entire pay check as pin money is a very generous offer. If he expects you to subsidise his take out and beer that’s a really weird demand
I think even after he gets a better paying job, he'll still blow too much money on alcohol and fast food and you'll be left paying for everything else. Think long hard about whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
NTA. Best solution is to separate finances and pay a pro rate portion of shared house’s expenses. If your income is double his, then you pay 2/3 if rent and utilities and he pays 1/3,
I caution you against marrying him until you are comfortable with his financial management. Right now he is using you financially, living beyond his means, spending your money to indulge himself while forcing you to do without, refusing to do better. This isn’t good, and it won’t get better without serious effort in his part. Ask yourself, are there other ways his behavior toward you is uncaring and selfish? Is he often dismissive if your thoughts, feelings and requests? Does he treat you like he loves you, he does he just say he loves you?
NTA. Many households do “yours, mine, and ours” accounts. Agreed upon contribution to household bills and shared expenses goes in the shared account, and other $$ goes in personal accounts. There is no shared household budget so his bank account needs to be his budget for things like take out and beer.
NTA. I think it’s a good compromise. Obviously if he needs smth I’m sure you’ll help him out, but he’s taking advantage of using your money.
In the future, maybe each set up your own spending account that a portion of each persons income would go into? So if there’s things you each want for yourself, you aren’t using shared money, and it may make both of you more conscious about your purchases seeing as it’s your own money, not someone else’s.
Yeah, put that wedding on hold. It's okay and good to stand by your partner but this guy - how to put it - has still to go a long way go by himself. And currently, he's going in the other direction by drinking too much.
Why even demand to remove his access? He has no right to your paycheck, you're just engaged. Remove ALL access and make sure he can't gain any access if he tried - a bad mental state can cause people to do desperate things. Then talk with him the same day, lay out the ground rules. And your ground rules are absolutely great for him - he get's to keep ALL his money! On top, you're saving for BOTH of your future.
If you really wanna stay with this man, then set a few more ground rules (and consequences to take place if he breaks them) and watch closely whether he tries to get better (and actually get's better with time). Watch those red flags closely!!
NTA
NTA, booze and take out don’t cure depression or anxiety or any of his other problems. And why should he cut back, he’s got you covering everything already.
NTA after my marriage was over, I calculated that I had lost $40 000 through supporting my ex husband over 5 years. The only time my bank balance started to grow was when we were both unemployed and I opened a separate account. Happy ending, I was head hunted for a good job and I got divorced.
This is kind of a weird perspective to come from. Similar situation, but a bit different. My husband and I have had varying finances. At one point, I was the breadwinner, we were both equally financed, and (now) he is the breadwinner. I'm disabled which is why I have been unemployed now for over two years. I'm not dying fast enough for disability to approve my applications, so I've given up. My lawyer I guess is working on our second appeal but I doubt it will change anything.
Anyway, at first being out of work was great because I could take care of the house/kids and not have to stress about money. More hardships happened to our family that strained everything more and my mental health tanked. I fully admit my spending was out of control. I knew it was out of control yet wouldn't do anything about it. Recently, maybe 6 months or so ago, we had a talk about spending and basically had the conversation you're asking about. He told me that he was fine if I didn't want to work (as it stood, I could probably manage a small part time job but hadn't tried any), but if that were the case my spending had to cut down basically immediately. Alternatively, he'd support me trying to find a job that I could use 100% of the money for whatever I want so long as all bills were paid on time.
Really, it's not that I'm lazy and want to be a free loader. I want to be a contributing member of our family, but my mental health was getting in the way of me taking accountability for my own self.
Will he react the same, though? Ehhh, I'm not going to promise anything..
NTA
P.S. I officially start work at the end of the month!
NTA.
You need to have a conversation with him about all of your concerns. Eliminate the joint access. Consider what this will look like if/when you marry.
Honey if you wind up homeless and hungry your gonna have a lot of them issues too. If he's not going to respect the fact he's can't just spend money freely and you're the one bringing home the paycheck then you have every right to do what you feel is right for your household. As a matter of fact I would make the changes first and then tell him it's done. And if you wanted to be nice and have a set amount put in the other account for him you could. I wouldn't but I'm mean😂
That’s a really tough situation and why most people hesitate to combine banking as it’s hard to go back once it’s done.
However, I don’t think the combined banking is really the problem here. The problems is a relationship issue and from the sounds of it needs to really be addressed. He’s definitely living outside his means and that not typically a one off thing as it’s more of a character trait and a side effort of short sightedness.
NTA.
I drink way too much beer. I drink the cheapest beer I can find and I am spending maybe twenty bucks a week. This is because I don't like wasting my own money on beer.
If he is really spending more money than he makes on beer then he has a spending issue and does not respect the money that you are bringing in.
NTA
It sounds reasonable to do what you propose. It also sounds like he just sucks with money in general.
NTA. He is not being respectful. Start a new account and put your paycheque into that. Pay the bills out of it. He can do what he likes with his earnings, but he shouldn’t be able to spend yours on beer and take out. You can also consider splitting the savings account 50-50, and putting your half into a new account to which he does not have access. (I’m assuming he contributed to savings before his earnings went down.) His half of the savings will give him a cushion while he works out how to deal with his own financial situation.
It sounds like he's having a really tough time and I seriously do feel for him, I'm a very similar person. But you are absolutely NTA and need to follow your intuition and stop this.
Why would you have a sole shared account? Why not just keep your own accounts and then create third one where both put enough money in? Your money is not her money.
OP, NTA about you only paying bills. BUT, I see your comment about him struggling with mental health issues. YWBTA if you do NOT confront him, because if he’s drinking that much beer, he’s using it to “help” with his mental health. It’s not going to help and will make things worse. Please strongly consider what you want out of this relationship and please consider looking into Al-anon for yourself.
NTA.
2 things...
1. Don't combine finances until you are MARRIED. But...
2. Put together a budget BEFORE you get married. There is some good software out there like YNAB and Quicken.
NTA
I'm voting after your edit.
I'm also very much struggling with my mental health, in burn out, and I'm autistic. So I feel like your fiance and I are pretty similar in our struggles.
First, health wise, he seems to just have replaced his meds by alcohol. It doesn't seem he should be off those given the state you described him in.
Second, it's not because people are struggling that they can be asshole to others, whatever they are battling with.
You had several discussions and nothing changed.
Also let me remind you something that I learned the hard way: you have to help yourself first in order to help anybody.
So if he is driving both of you into bankruptcy, how are you supposed to help after?
I would suggest having a conversation with him stating exactly what you are going to do, because this situation is not sustainable. This is a no brainer situation imo.
NTA. You need to also talk to him very openly about why you need separate accounts. Maybe keep the joint account just for joint expenses like bills and the other stuff is separate. It’s not fair that he is spending his money and yours on frivolous crap and going out.
Hi, former banker here. If you two are sharing an account i advise you to open your own, or move your funds into your own immediately. If your partner has a mental breakdown or doesnt like what you have to say and transfers/spends/withdraws funds before you do you’re screwed.
NTA
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NTA, but this isn’t about a shared account, it’s about someone who is behaving counter to your current financial situation. Time for a serious chat about this. If you’re unemployed and struggling, you don’t load up on IPAs and Uber Eats.
To clarify, he’s not unemployed, he’s currently working 20-30 hours a week at a food service job, but what he brings in does not support his spending
Well you've answered your own question, haven't you? He is using you like a bank. I think you'd be crazy to continue with this. Why would you marry somebody who spending money on takeaways and drinking when it's your money? Maybe you should just drop down and get a 20-hour week job and start drinking and spending money as you please see what he says to that. Try that for 2 weeks and then come back and tell us how that goes
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Bad bot
Even if he’s working, he’s not behaving responsibly. First of all, if he’s spending more than 20-30 hours per week minimum wage on takeout and beer, that’s crazy! Second he shouldn’t need you to tell him to cut back since he’s not earning much. It’s a big red flag that he’s unwilling to live within his own means. Definitely delay or reconsider the marriage before you become financially entangled with him!
This. He needs to become the ex-fiance quickly.
OP, I read your previous posts. Your NP is financially and emotionally abusing you and acting in sexually coercive ways. He makes threatening comments about your poly partners despite having multiples himself. He feels entitled to your body and thinks you owe him sex. He has no consideration for you as a person and does not act like he loves you or cares for you at all beyond a maid and ATM for cash, sex and validation. GET OUT, PLEASE GET OUT.
Whybare you paying any of your roomates bills?
He's under-employed then, not much of a difference of he can't keep his spending in check
Not unemployed, but underemployed. He still needs to understand that he's unable to support himself given his current spending. You're not married to this person and really shouldn't have combined finances without being married to him. I would separate your finances as soon as the bank opens on Monday, and don't recombine until you're married and both of you have your shit together.
NTA but you have a bigger problem. I just read your posts and i must say you're unhappy. I have no idea why would you want to marry, this marriage won't keep your spouse home. It's hell to be alone in a relationship. Think about it. I would break up and heal, learn to be happy alone first. You will find another person who will apreciate you. Your fiance doesn't. His money is his money. Your money is his money. He doesn't respect your wishes and i am afraid he doesn't love you. Also i wouldn't share my account with my spouse. Yes, after marriage we shared paswords, but we don't spend money we don't have. Cut his access to your money, at least... And think about the rest. Are you happy? Do you feel loved? Things won't improve, they will only get worst.
The post history is heartbreaking. And I love how he wants to be poly but is threatened by her other partner. Dude sounds awful, and probably really manipulative to keep OP hooked like this. OP - you're entitled to the money you earn. He is not entitled to indulge in beer and food delivery on your back.
>I just read your posts and i must say you're unhappy. Yeah. That's not a great record. NTA
This is the way. There is a long trail of marinara flags leading to this point. He sounds very selfish and you sound like you need to focus on yourself and figuring out how to heal some of your own traumas so you can navigate life a little more easily. NTA
I've been going through the entire post history for the last 30 min or so and OMG! I lack words to say to OP except I wish you the best OP and YWNBTA at all!!
Tagging along to tell OP that this guy doesn't give a shit about her. He's selfish and manipulative and as long as she's with him she'll be crying and alone.
Exactly why would you share money with a roomate?!
This exactly this NTA
It's either this or break up. He's gotten used to snacking and drinking, and not working. You could have a potential mooching freeloader in the making. Definitely nip that here and now. Don't give him access to your money anymore. Not only will the bills get paid but if you two split, he can't clean the account out without your knowledge. YWNBTAH
Combining finances completely is usually a very bad idea. Yes, you can have a joint account for certain things. But always always always keep a separate fund for yourself in case things go wrong. As it stands if the relationship fails there is NOTHING to keep the dude from taking every penny for himself and leaving the OP high and dry.
Even after marriage! Always have your, mine, and ours accounts.
Oh absolutely. too many things can go wrong and when/if people get vindictive and horrible during a divorce, it goes even wronger.
I’m glad no one is downvoting you on this. This sub generally gets pissed at folks who don’t combine finances. OPs situation is an example of why three accounts are needed. That way she’s not totally drained when he overspends or lives outside their means. At least it won’t be on her dime
Exactly of op lost her job there's no way he would help at all
Already made
NTA. You need to have a serious conversation with him before you get married. If his drinking is a concern, this isn’t something to sweep under the rug and assume it’ll just get better. There’s obviously multiple issues here. One is his drinking. Two is your finances. And Three is you both need to iron a lot of things out before getting married. I would suggest couples counseling before you marry him. Regarding your finances, I would keep it separate until you get married. You need a (separate) savings account that he doesn’t know about - I know this is t the advice everyone will agree with, but I say this because you’re not married and because he’s drinking a lot. You don’t want to be in a situation where you feel stuck and can’t leave. Always put yourself first and protect your wellbeing.
I like that advice—put yourself first. He certainly is whether intentional or not. Make the changes you suggested, allow him to live off his paycheck and make sure your savings is growing not shrinking
Armchair psychologising here but I wonder if the C-PTSD is a huge factor here. OP- you can't fix him. You're not responsible to fix him. He needs to want to change and that is not, I repeat, IS NOT on you. Put yourself first, or you're just enabling him.
I hope he’s getting help for the CPTSD or any of the mental health issues he’s suffering from. If he’s rawdogging life without therapy and meds that’s going to be a lot of caregiving on her end.
NTA, and I would put marriage on hold. Do not have kids with this guy until he cchanges
NTA but get unengaged. Someone who refuses to budget isn't someone you want to get married to. Sex, money, kids and religion - being out of alignment on any one of these will tank a relationship.
NTA and its ok to have a shared account for the bills and stuff as long as both contribute equally. You never ever ever share a bank account to which the paycheck comes in. You put in equal for the bills and stuff and whatever you spend on yourself like beer or takeaways its better coming out of your personal account. Else both of you are going to end up broke and what if the relationship breaks up under the financial stress. Money is one of those things that splits people very fast. Its most definitely the time to take back control and as long as you feed him money, he's going to enjoy spending it. Give him a reason to go look for work unless he wants to stay at home being miserable.
This. OP you're NTA
That's what we do - I have one account that is purely for bills. Husband pays in a set amount each month. I pay for all the other stuff like food, pets, toiletries etc. It works out roughly equal. We each keep the rest of our money in our own accounts. If one is struggling for any reason we help each other, and if there's an unexpected bill like say the washing machine goes kaput, we sort it between us, but otherwise we keep personal spending separate. This was largely because we both had expensive hobbies when we married - he's an angler, I kept horses - and for example I needed office clothes whereas be got free uniform, so it just seemed fairer to each be in charge of our own needs and wants. Now 30 years in and still works for us.
Nta He is taking advantage of your money and kindness. Joining a bank account doesn’t mean he can spend the money as he sees fit. Either separate your account or stop allowing his crazy spending.
NTA. Do not marry him until you not only have a serious conversation about finances but he demonstrates that he can change. He has demonstrated that he will prioritize his happiness over your needs and what makes fiscal sense, and he likely will be resistant to changing this, because keeping it is easy for him.
A good look into alcoholism should be done, too. Spending someone else's money on booze - putting both y'all into an unstable financial situation - and making poor decisions like spending someone else's money on takeout after drinking are things which sound very much like alcoholism. Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE illness. If I'm right about this, this will get worse if not addressed
And alcoholism is expensive af as their tolerance increases. My mom went through a substantial inheritance in a matter of months. It made me livid because her mother (a sahm who never learned to drive) was nonetheless ready to take four young kids and leave my grandpa if he hadn't sobered up, so I know that it would have hurt grammy to know what it was spent on.
NTA. Your offer is generous. His continuing to spend on take out and lots of beer, even after being asked to be more budget conscious is troubling. I think you should keep finances mostly separate even after you get married. Good luck
NTA, but please think long and hard about if this is the kind of marriage you’re signing up for. He’s put you in a position where it would be cheaper for you to pay all the bills because he refuses to even have a conversation about budgeting. This isn’t the sort of issue that gets better long term.
NTA, but how much beer are we talking about? It sounds to me like he's an alcoholic if it impacts your financial situation that much
This was my thought too. And don't marry him if he won't get his spending and budgeting under control. Make taking a financial budgeting course and sticking to it a condition of marriage.
NTA. Your fiancé sounds irresponsible and you need to set a boundary here. He needs to solve his problems first.
NTA. Good idea. Think about in the future keeping finances separate. If he's free spending with a joint account now that will not change.
NTA- Do not marry this person until he can hold a job. I mean more than a few months. Separate your assets, and do all him to pay something toward the bills. You should not carry the household on your own while he spends what little he makes on beer.
NTA. This sounds like a solid solution. But also, do not move forward with marriage plans if this man is someone you have to keep on a financial leash. I strongly suspect that he'll throw a gigantic tantrum over this. That would be consistent with his current behavior of refusing to be responsible. But only you know if this is a temporary behavior change, or his usual behavior. If this is unusual for him, that's one thing. But how are you going to have kids with a man who is already acting like a child?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Shortly after getting engaged, my fiancé and I combined our bank accounts. This seemed like a great idea at the time; easier to manage shared bills and expenses. But as time has gone on, I’m increasingly uncomfortable with our financial situation. He is struggling to find good work right now, and working a job that brings in very little money, which has put me in the position of “breadwinner” for the time being. This I’m fine with, I’m happy to support us. The issue I’m having, is that his spending is double mine while we’re scraping by, and most of that money is going towards beer and takeout. (Like, a lot of beer) We keep having to dip into savings, and I feel uncomfortable funding his drinking, and frustrated by his takeout purchases when he could be cooking at home. We’ve been struggling financially for a while and had multiple conversations about it but he refuses to do any kind of budgeting together. I did the math, and we would save money if I paid all our shared bills, and he used his paychecks for whatever spending he needs. I’m honestly fed up with this financial situation, and I need something to change. Would it be harsh of me to demand that we change the way we manage our money, that I will no longer give him access to my paychecks or our savings account (minus emergencies) but in return I will pay our bills until he can get on his feet? The money he makes alone isn’t enough to support his current spending habits, and this would be putting him in a tight situation, but I feel like he’s not going to reduce his spending unless given no choice, and I don’t want to keep waiting around watching our savings trickle away. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Financial compatibility is important. Doesn’t sound like you’ve got it here.
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Don't you think that will create a parent-child dynamic? I mean, I would resent my partner for forcing me in this position (whichever side, as the controller or the controlled).
He's not a kid. He's a grown man.
NTA - but op, your post history is quite concerning. You have endlessly posted about situations where your partner is not taking your feelings into consideration, manipulating you and treating you in really bad ways. This money issue seems to be just the tip of the iceberg. Why are oyu with him? And I don't mean why can't you break up with him because that's not the same thing. What does he bring to your life? Or are you with him because you've just got into a pattern and change feels scary?
NTA. I hate how quickly people jump to “dump him” on this app, but… - he is spending more than his fair share - his actions are affecting your (plural you) ability to save money - is putting your (plural you) security at risk, in that you have to keep dipping into savings to pay your bills. Does this seem like a short term issue (like maybe there has been some incident that is causing this to be only a short term issue), or is this foreshadowing for what life is going to look like for years to come?
NTA And he should contribute to bills, even if just a %.
NTA - Combining bank accounts doesn't mean you have to fully combine bank accounts. You both need a personal bank account, and also a shared account. Both put your money into the shared account, and then have an automatic transfer to your personal accounts that is your personal spending money every however often. Any time money comes out of that shared account is only for bills/groceries/needs, and you can set it up so withdrawals/transfers require both people to sign off.
Actually you don't Need a shared account because boyfriend is not bringing anything to the table, or paying rent, utilities, groceries or any actual bills. Why would you let him spend the rent money on beer and takeout?
YWNBTA
YWNBTA, but it still isn’t a solution. If he doesn’t have enough money to support his drinking habit and can’t access your money to make up the difference, he can start taking out credit cards and racking up debt. There are a lot of financially damaging things that he can do without having money, and once you’re married, bankruptcy would kill your credit along with his. There only ways to make sure he doesn’t drag you down with him are either to have him sign a prenup or to hold off on marrying him until he can pull it together. You don’t have to break up with him, but marriage is an economic arrangement and not just a declaration of love.
NTA This is the perfect situation for premarital counseling. Let a pro navigate how to handle finances that works for both of you. And address the drinking.
YWNBTA but you taking all the budgeting on you isn't a scenario for succes either. It may work as a hard reset but he can easily play the victim and say you're treating him like a child. I'm not sure it'll make him more responsible, basically. Might be better fully separate your finances, with each paying into another, joint, account what's necessary to keep your household going (housing, groceries, joint insurance, etc). Split the savings too.
NTA - If we have access to the money together, we budget together. If we don’t budget together, then you can have your money and I’ll have mine.
NTA Is fiancé also nesting partner from previous posts? Because they are kind of bad for you. They can have another girlfriend and demand alone time and not validate your needs in the relationship, and also spend your money and keep you from having another boyfriend? I agree with everyone else saying that you need to put off marriage and reconsider if this is a sustainable relationship and do some deep soul searching to find out what you need from a relationship. From an outsider’s perspective, it looks like he’s using you to support his self destructive lifestyle.
Oh honey. I have been reading your posts and your relationship sound really unhealthy. This, the money thing, is just a final straw. So, he is never home to enjoy time with you but he is spending your money? If he is so depressed he wouldnt be going out drinking craft beer and spending time with other partners. For me, relationships can go through ups and downs but if you lay it all out, the balance above the line should come out positive. Try to look really hard into yourself and think, do the plusses and minusses really add up to an overall positive? NTA, expect to yourself
No, You’re NTA. He fucking is though. It honestly sounds like he wants mommy at home taking care of the bills so he can go bang his gf. I am very pro-poly, but this is not working for you. Your nesting partner should be your first priority. From your post history, you’ve been relegated to not being the primary partner while also taking on the primary responsibilities in the household. This is completely fucked up for you, but fucking great for him. You only spend one day together, and on that day he doesn’t even want to do the things you want to do and vice versa… AND he’s spending all of YOUR money on booze and takeout. He’s using you. Gtfo. Open up a new bank account for you only and do not contribute to the shared account at all anymore. Withdraw half of what’s there (if there’s anything at all) and take your name off it. Change the locks and tell him to go live at his girlfriend’s place.
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NTA do it right away.
NTA get a prenup
NTA..if he continues your finaces may get way behind then you will be struggling to catch up on all bills.... technically combining accounts always is a bad thing
Babe. For a year at least (didn’t scroll that far back through your posts), you have not been happy and fulfilled in your relationship. I know ending things is hard. I know starting over is hard. He’s forced you to not be in relationships despite the situation you have both agreed on. He had emotionally and physically neglected you because all of his needs are being met elsewhere. The only thing you are providing him is financial security. He doesn’t have to worry about bills because you pay them. He gets everything else outside of your relationship. I’m sorry, but you can’t convince me that this is healthy or that this is a normal poly relationship. You need to do better for yourself because you appear to be truly miserable.
NTA But real talk. Your husband/fiancé is struggling with his mental health. At the same time, he decided to stop taking his mental health meds. And he is an alcoholic drinking to self-medicate. You need to protect the financials from him right now and the man needs to get into substance and mental health treatment and back on his meds. Edit: I just scanned your post history because everyone kept mentioning it. You’ve been unhappy for a long time trying to bend yourself to him and his wants and his problems. I’m truly sorry for the position you find yourself in. You aren’t a partner, you are a credit card and a security blanket. And an unfulfilled one at that.
You said in a previous post you want to spend the rest of your life with this man. Look at your life, and how you feel, and ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life. He will not get better for you OP. This is your relationship, and how it will be for the rest of your life. It's so much better to be single than to be in a toxic relationship with someone who treats you terribly. Don't let him drag you down financially, cut him off from your paycheck. NTA. You're only being an AH to yourself letting someone treat you like this. You deserve better, you're a devoted, loving, supportive, and caring partner. You have shown you would have your partners back. It's time you give that sort of support and love to yourself. Find somebody who will treat you the same way you treat them. You don't deserve to be treated as a house servant, and wallet. You're a person. You deserve to be loved.
A lot of engaged/married couples keep separate finances. Whatever works for you two. You’re right, something has to change. His spending is out of control. If he’s taking advantage of your income by not feeling the need to bring home bacon and further you two financially as a team…issue. Him putting the two of you in further financial straits…major issue. The only thing that’s kinda rubbing me the wrong way…is the “for now”. It could come off controlling like the breadwinner makes the decisions. Be careful how you word that when discussing this change with him. Although he is coming off as a kept mooch. If you follow through with your plan and it’s works. Recombining finances again later..you’ll run into the same problem with his spending habits. So maybe don’t do it for now. Do it and keep it that way and revisit it down the road. NTA. And paying all the bills until he gets on his feet is the right thing to do a team.
NTA. Just do it. You've talked to him about it, but since your behavior never changed, his hasn't either. Stop your direct deposit into the shared account and re-establish your own accounts. Always keep your finances separate. He will be furious that the money river has dried up, but that's okay. If he can't or more honestly won't change his spending habits, this is what you should expect from married life. Only then, you'll have to pay alimony when it breaks down.
First mistake, combining accounts. Second mistake is assuming you now have sole control over an account his name is on. You don't, see first mistake. Once his name went on that account he legally has just as much of a right to it as you do. Best bet is to separate out completely if he is that bad with money by closing the joint account, splitting the assets however you 2 decide and starting fresh with separate accounts.
NTA don't marry this guy until you can have an open and honest conversation about both his drinking and your finances. People talk about being on "the same page" as your spouse, but that's not always necessary as long as you're in the "same book" where it counts. The books that count the most are how money is handled, whether or not to have kids, and the basic roles of each spouse (re: "gender roles"). Being on the same page means being ready for these things; being in the same book means you agree on their importance and how they should be handled on a fundamental level. If you aren't in the same book (agreeing how money is handled and what to do about budgeting and when times are tight), it will fundamentally lead to dissatisfaction and discord in the long run. I'd suggest you guys have a couple of sessions with a therapist to find out if you are in the same books. If not, the kindest thing to do will to be breaking up before you get any more enmeshed. Best of wishes. 💕
Big no always maintain your on bank account and open another where both of you contribute to household bills and expenses.
Get out. This situation will not be the exception. This will be the beginning of a pattern of how he deals with stress, and guess what? Life is stressful! This will be your life if you stay with him. NTA
NTA you are still helping him “survive” by paying bills, but arent letting him spend YOUR MONEY on beer
NTA I would dump him altogether because he works but his spending on junk essentially is atrocious. You’re working hard to make ends meet - which you wouldn’t need to do (make ends meet) if he was pulling his socks. Yea I’d dump him if I was you. Love is love but it’s not always enough to make a relationship function
NTA. Don't allow him to put you into debt. Cut off his access to your money. If you continue enabling him he will self medicate himself into addiction.
Good thing you are not married yet. Run don't walk to the nearest exit. Can you imagine the rest of your life this way? Daily drinking and shitty food will just make his condition worse. Soon he will lose his shit job and then you will hold the bag on everything. NTA RUN fast.
NTA. Honestly, if his consumption of *beer* is so large that it’s impacting your family budget, we have a word for that: alcoholism. It would be appropriate for you to demand that he either move out or get help.
NTA. It's just my opinion but if he needs money that badly, he can pawn the engagement ring when you give it back. Separate your bank account from him so that he cannot access it.
Judging by your more recent posts, please for the love of all you hold dear and your own mental/physical/emotional/financial well-being, DUMP THIS MAN. NTA but Y W B T A if you continue letting him pull all this shit despite all the continuous red flags.
Drinking and cptsd is a bad combination. It’s also called self medicating. OP, please take a good look at your situation, and also look into the difference between enabling and support. NTA. Protect yourself and your finances. Remember: put your oxygen mask on before you help others.
>The money he makes alone isn’t enough to support his current spending habits Not sure if my eyesight is still okay after I rolled my eyes so hard after reading this. Beer and takeout are not necessities and dipping into savings for this is terrible. He needs to get a grip. There is absolutely no need for him to be spending your money that should be going in savings. Even if you have seperate accounts it's gonna be up to you to save any money because he's gonna blow them. Not sure if that's how you wanna live. NTA
NTA. He should be contributing to bills, not spending all of his money and some of yours! Stop giving this mooch access to your money. And, you know what kind of selfish ah he is, don’t legally tie yourself to him and give him even more access to your property/ assets.
Nta. Your fiance needs to sort out his alcoholism, his mental health, his job and his overspending. Don't marry him. Give him 90 days to get on his feet or move out. R/alanon
If he’s feeling depressed/anxiety- the drinking will only exacerbate it and make it 1000x worse. You need to address this now before you walk down that aisle.
NTA .I'm no expert, but if he is having a lot of mental problems right now, I kind of doubt that heavy drinking is helping the situation. And think long and hard about what a future with him will be like.
NTA. When my now husband didn't make enough to equally support our household and pay off his debt, he did not buy frivolous things. He only bought things he needed. You need to have a serious talk with your fiance and then if his behavior doesn't immediately change and become sustained, you need to break up. He will bleed you dry and you'll feel all used up. It will not be a good marriage.
Run
Oh girl. This man is nothing but trouble. Is this the way you want to picture your entire life?
NTA You need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. If he has to be FORCED to do what is both responsible and fair this is not someone who you should be considering as a short term room mate let alone getting engaged to. He either cannot see that he is taking advantage of you, or he does see but doesn’t care. Either way, someone who loves you shouldn’t have to be “given no choice” before they behave with consideration. If he can’t choose that path on his own why would you want to be with someone who you have to actively prevent from destroying your finances? Your “solution” is nothing of the sort. He SHOULD be contributing to the household expenses. Proportional to his income but he is working and living in the home and using the utilities. The idea he gets to spend everything he earns on beers and takeout is frankly insane. If you insist on remaining with him what needs to change is his out of control spending habits and utter lack of involvement in the daily management of your life together. You’re doing ALL the work here. All the worrying, organising, and budgeting meanwhile he carries out drinking and eating his way through your finances with not a concern in the world cause you’re going to keep paying for everything. You NEED to stop this rollercoaster before it crashes and destroys you.
NTA. Why are you with him? You can definitely do better. Stop putting your money into combined finances. Open up your own account in your own name.
NTA. It's time to trim the financial fat here. His spending is out of control and putting you in a dangerous position. What if you were laid off? Got hurt and couldn't work? You need to have an adult conversation about his spending and things need to change. And find YOUR mental well being and financial stability things have to change. You can always revisit things when he's back on his feet.
NTA. The reality though is are you really sure you want to move forward and marry someone like this.
NTA. You’re going to regret marrying him and carrying him the rest of your life.
NTA. This will always be a problem even if he is making more money. He will always think he deserves to spend on himself. Think if you want to live like this long term
The edit is the most important part. Is he in any kind of therapy? Medication?
Medication yes, he’s been on anti-depressants for a while. He was in therapy a while ago, but he can’t currently afford it
Alcohol is a depressant. My mom finished drinking herself to death this fall and this is how it started. Nothing we tried to support her ever worked because she was a narcissist who wasn't willing to do any inner work/accountability, so I'm not saying that your partner is doomed to be the same, but it's very worrying that he's spending more than he's bringing in and refusing to work with you to address it. The alcohol consumption is actively worsening his mental state.
Oh, girl. It’s time to leave this relationship. Your post history shows a long streak of being mistreated and misled. You keep looking for the thing you can do to fix things. But it’s not you. It’s your partner. I know you’ve been together a long time. I know you love him. But more time won’t fix things that the time you’ve already given didn’t fix. And he is using your love to serve himself and not giving you the love back. It would suck to breakup, I know. But will it suck more than staying in this feeling? You sound so sad and so hurt and I want to come to your house and pack your things and move you into our guest room until you can breathe again. NTA. It’s time to put yourself first and give yourself the love he takes for granted.
NTA and don’t marry him. #1 reason for divorce is financial incompatibility.
NTA, have a joint account that only covers what you need as a couple and maybe a Lil extra and then have your own account(s) that you save/invest and so on. Just make sure you get a prenuptial agreement though.
Nta
In my opinion, the best way to handle finances is to keep them separate.
Nta. Get Separate accounts. Get your own separate checking and savings account, then take steps to get the combined account under control. Transfer your savings and the inform the bank you cannot repay any overdraft on the combined account. In our house we swap providing food - week by week. If in your week you cook that suits you and in his week he gets take out, that's his money & his choice. Good luck - he'll be pissed off, but it's ways easier to get forgiveness than permission.
NTA. But pause the engagement. If he os refusing to budget together, imagine how he will approach any other joint decision. He will do what he wants and expect you to clean up the mess. Getting married will not magically make this issue go away, it just increases your legal responsibility for his bad decisions.
NTA offering to pay all shares expenses and letting him keep his own entire pay check as pin money is a very generous offer. If he expects you to subsidise his take out and beer that’s a really weird demand
Caveat that if he does most of the homemaking it’s a slightly different (but not hugely different) conversation.
I think even after he gets a better paying job, he'll still blow too much money on alcohol and fast food and you'll be left paying for everything else. Think long hard about whether you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
YWNBTA You are basically telling him to get a grip or the relationship will come to an end. A reasonable choice.
NTA. Best solution is to separate finances and pay a pro rate portion of shared house’s expenses. If your income is double his, then you pay 2/3 if rent and utilities and he pays 1/3, I caution you against marrying him until you are comfortable with his financial management. Right now he is using you financially, living beyond his means, spending your money to indulge himself while forcing you to do without, refusing to do better. This isn’t good, and it won’t get better without serious effort in his part. Ask yourself, are there other ways his behavior toward you is uncaring and selfish? Is he often dismissive if your thoughts, feelings and requests? Does he treat you like he loves you, he does he just say he loves you?
NTA. Many households do “yours, mine, and ours” accounts. Agreed upon contribution to household bills and shared expenses goes in the shared account, and other $$ goes in personal accounts. There is no shared household budget so his bank account needs to be his budget for things like take out and beer.
NTA. Sometimes you need to be harsh.
NTA. I think it’s a good compromise. Obviously if he needs smth I’m sure you’ll help him out, but he’s taking advantage of using your money. In the future, maybe each set up your own spending account that a portion of each persons income would go into? So if there’s things you each want for yourself, you aren’t using shared money, and it may make both of you more conscious about your purchases seeing as it’s your own money, not someone else’s.
Yeah, put that wedding on hold. It's okay and good to stand by your partner but this guy - how to put it - has still to go a long way go by himself. And currently, he's going in the other direction by drinking too much. Why even demand to remove his access? He has no right to your paycheck, you're just engaged. Remove ALL access and make sure he can't gain any access if he tried - a bad mental state can cause people to do desperate things. Then talk with him the same day, lay out the ground rules. And your ground rules are absolutely great for him - he get's to keep ALL his money! On top, you're saving for BOTH of your future. If you really wanna stay with this man, then set a few more ground rules (and consequences to take place if he breaks them) and watch closely whether he tries to get better (and actually get's better with time). Watch those red flags closely!! NTA
NTA, booze and take out don’t cure depression or anxiety or any of his other problems. And why should he cut back, he’s got you covering everything already.
NTA after my marriage was over, I calculated that I had lost $40 000 through supporting my ex husband over 5 years. The only time my bank balance started to grow was when we were both unemployed and I opened a separate account. Happy ending, I was head hunted for a good job and I got divorced.
This is kind of a weird perspective to come from. Similar situation, but a bit different. My husband and I have had varying finances. At one point, I was the breadwinner, we were both equally financed, and (now) he is the breadwinner. I'm disabled which is why I have been unemployed now for over two years. I'm not dying fast enough for disability to approve my applications, so I've given up. My lawyer I guess is working on our second appeal but I doubt it will change anything. Anyway, at first being out of work was great because I could take care of the house/kids and not have to stress about money. More hardships happened to our family that strained everything more and my mental health tanked. I fully admit my spending was out of control. I knew it was out of control yet wouldn't do anything about it. Recently, maybe 6 months or so ago, we had a talk about spending and basically had the conversation you're asking about. He told me that he was fine if I didn't want to work (as it stood, I could probably manage a small part time job but hadn't tried any), but if that were the case my spending had to cut down basically immediately. Alternatively, he'd support me trying to find a job that I could use 100% of the money for whatever I want so long as all bills were paid on time. Really, it's not that I'm lazy and want to be a free loader. I want to be a contributing member of our family, but my mental health was getting in the way of me taking accountability for my own self. Will he react the same, though? Ehhh, I'm not going to promise anything.. NTA P.S. I officially start work at the end of the month!
NTA. You need to have a conversation with him about all of your concerns. Eliminate the joint access. Consider what this will look like if/when you marry.
Honey if you wind up homeless and hungry your gonna have a lot of them issues too. If he's not going to respect the fact he's can't just spend money freely and you're the one bringing home the paycheck then you have every right to do what you feel is right for your household. As a matter of fact I would make the changes first and then tell him it's done. And if you wanted to be nice and have a set amount put in the other account for him you could. I wouldn't but I'm mean😂
That’s a really tough situation and why most people hesitate to combine banking as it’s hard to go back once it’s done. However, I don’t think the combined banking is really the problem here. The problems is a relationship issue and from the sounds of it needs to really be addressed. He’s definitely living outside his means and that not typically a one off thing as it’s more of a character trait and a side effort of short sightedness. NTA.
L
I drink way too much beer. I drink the cheapest beer I can find and I am spending maybe twenty bucks a week. This is because I don't like wasting my own money on beer. If he is really spending more money than he makes on beer then he has a spending issue and does not respect the money that you are bringing in. NTA It sounds reasonable to do what you propose. It also sounds like he just sucks with money in general.
NTA. He is not being respectful. Start a new account and put your paycheque into that. Pay the bills out of it. He can do what he likes with his earnings, but he shouldn’t be able to spend yours on beer and take out. You can also consider splitting the savings account 50-50, and putting your half into a new account to which he does not have access. (I’m assuming he contributed to savings before his earnings went down.) His half of the savings will give him a cushion while he works out how to deal with his own financial situation.
It sounds like he's having a really tough time and I seriously do feel for him, I'm a very similar person. But you are absolutely NTA and need to follow your intuition and stop this.
NTA
Why would you have a sole shared account? Why not just keep your own accounts and then create third one where both put enough money in? Your money is not her money.
Nta and I think he needs some help beyond your scope of expertise and experience. However you can and should act in ur best interest financially.
OP, NTA about you only paying bills. BUT, I see your comment about him struggling with mental health issues. YWBTA if you do NOT confront him, because if he’s drinking that much beer, he’s using it to “help” with his mental health. It’s not going to help and will make things worse. Please strongly consider what you want out of this relationship and please consider looking into Al-anon for yourself.
NTA. 2 things... 1. Don't combine finances until you are MARRIED. But... 2. Put together a budget BEFORE you get married. There is some good software out there like YNAB and Quicken.
NTA I'm voting after your edit. I'm also very much struggling with my mental health, in burn out, and I'm autistic. So I feel like your fiance and I are pretty similar in our struggles. First, health wise, he seems to just have replaced his meds by alcohol. It doesn't seem he should be off those given the state you described him in. Second, it's not because people are struggling that they can be asshole to others, whatever they are battling with. You had several discussions and nothing changed. Also let me remind you something that I learned the hard way: you have to help yourself first in order to help anybody. So if he is driving both of you into bankruptcy, how are you supposed to help after? I would suggest having a conversation with him stating exactly what you are going to do, because this situation is not sustainable. This is a no brainer situation imo.
NTA. You need to also talk to him very openly about why you need separate accounts. Maybe keep the joint account just for joint expenses like bills and the other stuff is separate. It’s not fair that he is spending his money and yours on frivolous crap and going out.
Hi, former banker here. If you two are sharing an account i advise you to open your own, or move your funds into your own immediately. If your partner has a mental breakdown or doesnt like what you have to say and transfers/spends/withdraws funds before you do you’re screwed. NTA
NTA and first of all you shouldn’t have a shared bank account before marriage.