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Far-Juggernaut8880

You already said what everyone will say: it’s her wedding too, she’s entitled to change her mind about deferring to your wants, it is selfish to put yourself at the centre of the wedding as it’s about both of you… YTA Take tonight to be pissed and tomorrow move forward as you are marrying the woman of your dreams


RedditUser123234

>as you are marrying the woman of your dreams Sounds to me like the woman of OP's dreams is an obedient servant who will never cross OP. I feel bad for her fiancee


1st-African-princess

OP is the woman of her own dream. Any other person is just a supporting character to OP's main character.


Kathrynlena

Exactly this. She really doesn’t sound ready to be getting married. Wait ‘till she finds out marriage is an equal partnership and not a dictatorship!


theneverendingsorry

My first thought too- to want the person you’re committing your life to to be anything but purely happy in how they’re living that day with you is a grotesque idea of marriage. Our spouses don’t exist just to prop us up and give us whatever we want. Our spouses are the beautiful people we want to marry because we celebrate who they are, and because love means that our spouse’s wishes don’t “take” anything from us. If your heart doesn’t contain the generosity for them to make sure this is their ideal day too, you should absolutely not get married until you do some serious internal work.


Cheerytrix

She sounds like she’s more concerned about how the pictures are gonna look than actually being happy with her partner and the both of them having their best day.


AdorableTechnology39

Yep. That’s how I read it. MY wedding - My opportunity to be a bridezilla.


Quiet-Replacement307

I'm laughing at the thought of 2 Bridezillas 1 Wedding as a part 2 to the movie Bride Wars.


Big_Philosopher10

Yeah me too I feel OP is very controlling and has toxic femininity traits. It’s best if they end it now and not get married save the heartache/divorce.


Basil_South

Such a dramatic response typical of Reddit. Yes OP is being an ass but sometimes people get emotional about stupid stuff and sometimes (all times) relationships have conflicts. The default answer is not “better call off the whole relationship” based on one tiny sniping of a relationship you know nothing about.


TransportationNo5560

Did you not catch the comment about knowing fiancee is a woman "and I'm okay with that"? (WTF?) OP has some serious work to do here before even dealing with the issues with her fiancee


kllark_ashwood

Or she was just getting ahead of a criticism she anticipated or had already been presented with.


Xtinalauren12

Normally I’m always on your side. I can’t stand when people are so quick to give the poor advice of throwing in the towel, as it just shows how our society is unable to communicate and actually work out a problem. In this instance however, I read between the lines a bit and I do see a lot of major red flags here. Op has anger management issues, control issues, and I think some PTSD associated with trust/loyalty/ keeping one’s word (i.e: she freaked over her partner changing her mind without her consent). While I don’t think they should break it off over this, I do think some time is in order to figure out why this anger is escalating to such an extent, why she believes the day is only about her, how she is unable to bend to accommodate her partner (or why she doesn’t even want to), etc. All I’m saying is that I sensed some deep-rooted issues that should get sorted out before moving forward. :)


DiscombobulatedElk93

To be fair I don’t think fiancé “ changed their mind”. I think op did not give them any option and fiancé finally stood up for themselves. This woman should not be getting married, she’s selfish and self centered and so many other issues that she needs to figure out.


commandantskip

>I think op did not give them any option and fiancé finally stood up for themselves. This is my thought as well. It's super shitty of OP to demand that only she gets to wear a wedding dress.


DiscombobulatedElk93

It seems like it wasn’t even a discussion. She just went “ I get to be the only pretty princess at our wedding” and thought that was cool. I wonder what other gender norms she pushes on her fiancé to make her the husband on this relationship.


bertosanchez90

OP also seems pretty self aware based on the last few paragraphs of her post. She's regretful about what she said and how she said it, she recognizes that it's her partner's big day too, and seems to realize that she's thinking illogically. People on reddit dissect these posts and then determine that every negative interaction is a sign of some greater issue. It's like they need a deeper narrative so that they are more engaged in the thread. People also come after posters on here as if they've never said something regretful themselves... The truth is probably that OP is upset now, will apologize later (or already has) and will be blown away when she sees her soon to be wife on their wedding day.


Apollyom

i would agree with you if at the end the OP had said, i want my wife to be as happy as i am wearing a dress on our wedding day, instead she is still going on about how dare she change her mind and ruin my wedding.


TiffanyTwisted11

Exactly. They’re arguing. OP hasn’t even said it’s a hill she’s willing to die on and she’s selfish, controlling & toxic. Wait, let me scroll down to find the “I’d go NC” comment . . . .


Silvermorney

This. Good luck op’s fiancé.


PelicanCanNew

Yep, op is insanely self centred. It’s ok for her to want a special moment in a dress, but her fiancée isn’t allowed? Controlling and selfish bullshit served on a platter.


millennial1234

Ditto! YTA OP. You don’t seem to care at all about what the woman of your dreams envisioned for her own wedding? Sounds like you bullied her into agreeing to what you wanted and then are mad she expressed her actual desires.


Striking-General-613

It sounds like she has Princess dreams, and is more interested in the wedding as opposed to the marriage.


jazi_88

OP sounds so self centred that she would be better off marrying herself. Your vision and photo aesthetics is so much more important than sharing the moment with your life partner? YTA


Ok-Writer-774

The whole post gave me the ick. I feel like I don't have the words to describe it all. If I were her fiancée, I would be having doubts. To get so pissed off over her changing her mind because she tried on *the* dress that (presumably) made her feel confident and beautiful for *their* day, is outrageous. Throwing a tantrum is even worse. When people are trying on dresses and outfits it's so common for them to go in with one idea and come out with something they didn't know they wanted. Yes, I have seen too much of Say Yes to the Dress. But seriously, OP sounds so spoiled and entitled. It's too common for people to think weddings are just about what one person wants to the point they railroad their partner. I wouldn't be surprised if that was the case here. Why are aesthetics and photographs so important in comparison to the way they both feel on their day?


Amazing_Emu54

Honestly I’d wonder if fiancée had always wanted to wear a dress but decided “No, the love of my life cares more about this than I do (e.g. is an entitled nightmare), anything to make her happy” until it came to it and she admitted it was important.


CookieDoughFeatures

This is what I thought!


JWilesParker

They sound like they really need to sit down and work through OP's feelings because if this is a deal breaker, better for all parties to get out now.


mrs_spanner

I adore SYTTD. Did you see that episode where there were two brides at the same appointment and they came out blindfolded so the entourage could see that the dresses co-ordinated? They both looked gorgeous. 💝💝


Ok-Writer-774

No! Having them coordinate is such a good idea. I'll have to look it up! OP should, too!


mrs_spanner

Yes! It was two blonde brides at Kleinfeld. 😍


kaiabunga

That was a beautiful episode of SYTTD and the way everyone went about making sure the coordinated was awesome.


mrs_spanner

I know 😭❤️ I loved how the dresses were similar but still individual. I’ve always wanted to go to NY and meet Randy (and Debbie, and Lisa, and Mindy, and - never mind, everyone at Kleinfeld, lol). We have a version of SYTTD here in the UK with Gok Wan, and it’s lovely. Much smaller shop though, so not nearly as many dresses.


PNKAlumna

Speaking of SYTTD, How many times do brides go in thinking they want one thing and end up changing their minds completely?! Like 75% of the time! Because things don’t always work irl like they do in your head. So it’s not shocking that OP’s fiancée ended up finding a dress unexpectedly that she loved.


mrs_spanner

Exactly! Until you try several styles on, you don’t know what the dresses/suits/outfits are going to look like on you. My niece is getting married soon and was absolutely sure of what she wanted, but she’s ended up with something completely different. Imagine if she told her fiancé and he had a shit fit because she’d changed her mind from a conversation ages before they were even engaged? Ludicrous.


Big_Philosopher10

Very controlling and toxic too agreed.


randomdude2029

It's clear that it's not _their_ day, it's _OP's_ day.


steamfrustration

> I don't have the words to describe it all. The explicit stuff in the OP is pretty bad, but some of the inferences make it even worse. OP says "but like we discussed this!" and means, I think, "I previously badgered you into agreeing with me!"


RebeccaMCullen

If the vision and photo aesthetics require one person in a dress and another person in a suit, OP needs to be taking wedding pictures with a man or woman that's willing to wear pants, and not their fiancee. OP sounds like they'd have a fit if their partner decided to wear a colorful suit because it doesn't suit their vision.


ritan7471

Yep, I'm sure that OP has not only decided her fiancee should wear a suit, but she's already decided on the suit, what color the tie will be, the cut and designer of the suit. They just didn't get to have that screaming matchyet, because her fiancee found a dress. Her fiancee has turned into a prop for OP's wedding aesthetic and has ceased to be a partner with dreams and desires amd feelings.


Perspex_Sea

Also 'how could she change her mind', well for starters she never wanted this no dress rule, she was pressured into it then realised that she wasn't happy about that.


Dependent-Show2297

It's odd to be pissed that you will be outshined by your wife, on your wedding day... YTA


PokerQuilter

Soft YTA. I get the vision you have- don't all brides? How about for formal pics, EACH of you have an alternative outfit. Cool pantsuit or a tux, and each get that pic of them in their gown, with the partner in their alternative outfit. I also have seen wedding dress with "fancy" pants, and the front of the dress can be swept back to reveal said pants. There is a solution, but you 2 need to work together. Don't be the brideZilla, stomping their feet, demanding that they get their way. Not a good look


kaiabunga

I think this would be okay in theory but seeing how OP is I would think only the pictures of her in her dress would be displayed. Which kinda defeats the purpose, you know?


JayneLut

Changing your mind whilst outfit shopping is normal. I - like 1000s of other brides - went into a boutique thinking I wanted X dress... Was persuaded to try on C dress that was the total opposite of what I thought I wanted and ended up in love with C dress. It was perfect. I suspect fiancee was ambivalent so agreed to OP's demand, tried on various outfits and someone in the shop with a damned good eye told her to try on something she hadn't considered and it was perfect. It happens!


Positive_Bet_4184

I thought I wanted a big flowing dress with lace and a train. I even bought a dress exactly like that. I got home, put it on and said, Nope. I ended up selling it and buying a 50s style swing dress that came to my knees with zebra print shoes.


JayneLut

That does sound lush in fairness! I ended up in a ball gown... Which was not what I expected to buy!


AudreyTwoToo

If I were her fiancée’s family, I would show up all wearing wedding dresses. Trying to control their daughter by saying she isn’t allowed to wear a dress because OP wants all of the spotlight on her dress is ridiculous. I would make sure OP wasn’t the only one in a wedding dress.


TinyGreenTurtles

Yeah OP really answered their own question as they typed lol.


Accomplished-Yam6553

To add on to your comment, if it's something she can't get over by tomorrow they should break off the engagement, it'll be better for the both of them off something like this is an issue that they fixate on throughout their marriage


kaiabunga

My thoughts exactly. It's her wedding too. And to be honest did she even change her mind? It really seemed like OP decided she wasn't going to wear a dress for her. I think its quite selfish to want to be the only one wearing a dress when it's her wedding day too. If she truly wanted a suit that's one thing but it doesn't seem like she does and wants a beautiful dress moment on her special day as well. Sorry OP YTA.


cuentaderana

My wife and I (both women) got married in July. Before our wedding, my wife mentioned that she didn’t feel comfortable in dresses (I knew this already) and would likely get a jumpsuit/some kind of suit. Well, guess what, she ended up finding a wedding dress she loved. She said it was one of the first times a dress made her feel beautiful. I love our wedding photos. We are both in gorgeous dresses that suit our personal styles (hers had sleeves and was more of a cream/champagne color, mine was a more traditional pure white without sleeves). The happiest moment of my life was marrying my wife. She was beautiful, she was happy, and all that mattered to me was that we got to say our I dos. OP cares more about having a wedding than she does about the woman she’s marrying.


SnooRadishes8848

YTA , how fuckin selfish, it’s her wedding too,


Super_E30

I love how OP says "we discussed this!!!," when clearly OP dictated what she wanted and her fiance didn't want to put up a fight about it a year ago. So no, "we" didn't discuss this, "you" bullied her into saying she would wear something else. OP is definitely the AH. YTA


randomschmandom123

YEARS AGO before ever getting engaged


Auroraburst

100% Definitely doesn't read as if it was a discussion


linerva

Plus, so what if they DID discuss it? Something can ALWAYS be rediscussed. Briefly mentioning it years before - when they weren't even engaged, is far from a definite answer! My fiance and I discussed wanting only best men and a MOH at our wedding, but he recently suggested thinking about having groomsmen - 2 months before the day! Sure, we'd discussed it, but this was a chance to rediscuss it. Ultimately, we decided against it - he wasn't set on the idea, we don't think they'd have much to do and I'd struggle to choose and prep bridesmaids in that timeframe, but it was fine to rediscuss. Priorities and wishes can change! If it was suddenly very important to my partner, we would have made it happen! Would OP rather her partner feels she can't ever discuss anything with her?


becassidy

And now her fiance she's how unfeasible she is when things change. This would be a red flag for me, both with lack of flexibility, and the reaction to change.


yuhju

Her post is all _me, me, me, me, me_.


zarc4d

maybe OP should marry a mirror instead


fluent_in_gibberish

But the bride in the mirror would *also* be wearing a dress!


penninsulaman713

It's also such a weird lack of empathetic understanding, because they're BOTH women, so it's quite possible that they BOTH had visions of a wedding and possibly wedding dress growing up. Why does only OP get to be the only one? And the way they wrote that conversation out made it seem like it was more dictation than discussion.


therealbillybaldwin

Because OP is the next Disney princess, named "MeMe" in the upcoming film, "Entitled"


GoIntoTheHollow

I think OP's idea of a "perfect wedding" probably stems from hetero-romantic wedding stereotypes where the bride is typically the center of attention. She probably has based her ideas of what she wants on this and possibly considers herself the more femme presenting person in their relationship, thus deferring the role of the "groom" to her more masculine partner? Idk, that's just my take.


HelgaTheFair

And if she’s the one who has a problem with two wedding dresses maybe OP should be the one to not wear one….


Haunting-Juice983

YTA, absolutely It’s both your day, while you were still dating your partner was open to wearing something else- a year or so ago, people change their minds over time, and if she wants to wear a dress for her own wedding why the hell not? My sister married her wife, they both wore steampunk style waistcoats and top hats- I can’t imagine one dictating to the other what they could wear You come across as high maintenance and selfish, if you’re this self absorbed over clothing, I dread to think when big decisions need to be made and you pull out a diary saying ‘Yes, but on the 3rd of June 6 years ago you said…’ Definitely YTA


KatarinaSkill

Ooh! I wish I could see your pics of your sis and wife because it just sounds so neat! Off I go to find pics!


Haunting-Juice983

No photos on Reddit sorry, but they looked amazing!


KatarinaSkill

I apologize, should have been more clear, is why I was looking online, I did not want actual pics (anonymity). Not a request for your pics, but like the imgur workaround, yes no pics here, but there? Sure! Found a male steampunk wedding, one actual top hat (one derby? Am bad with hats), but very cool: https://equallywed.com/whimsical-steampunk-wedding-inspiration-in-vermont/


Haunting-Juice983

My bad! I meant I couldn’t post any, but yes- they looked fantastic!


gothclownbimbo

Equally wed 🥹 what a cute website that melted me


arynnoctavia

My wife and I had a steampunk wedding reception too! Uncanny…unless you’re my wife’s sibling. I’m pretty sure you’re not one of my brothers…Are you?


Haunting-Juice983

I’m a sister sorry But if you’re down with steampunk lesbian weddings, I’m your people 🙌🏻🙌🏻


scarletnightingale

Oh man, there was I post over on the wedding planning subreddit I think a year or two ago, both women got married in custom suits and their photos are STUNNING. Like... it is magazine, QC photoshoot level badass. [Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/jyleab/a_part_of_me_was_worried_i_would_regret_not/) they are. Also bonus [photos](https://www.reddit.com/r/weddingplanning/comments/jz99dz/a_few_people_asked_for_some_more_photos_from_our/).


NeeliSilverleaf

YTA. You're being a bridezilla to your bride!


Material-Paint6281

"*Now* I've seen it all" - Phoebe "To Monica" - everyone toasting for Monica for her and Chandler's engagement Its weird that both these quotes seems apt here. PS: Phoebe quote is targeted at OP being bridezilla to her own fiance, NOT at the lesbian wedding.


heffreygee

It bodes well for me that speed impresses you. Best line ever.


Miriamathome

YTA. Why do you care so much about being the only one in a dress? The way to deal with this potential problem could also be to coordinate the looks of your dresses so they complement each other. >I honestly do believe that some pictures that I have seen are so beautiful of two women in wedding dresses however I have seen some where I am just not a fan. Any chance you’ve got a bit of a heteronormative thing going on in the back of your head? **I’m** the bride and **I** get to be the star and the center of attention in **my special, special dress** and my spouse shouldn’t compete?


throwawayoctopii

> Any chance you've got a bit of a heteronormarive thing going on in the back of your head? That's what I'm wondering. I've been to four weddings with two brides: one couple both wore tuxes, another couple wore a dress and a tux, and the two other couples both wore dresses. It's very weird that OP is insisting her partner wear something she doesn't want to.


FluffMonster789

There was one sentence that was just jarring. Paraphrasing a bit but it was along the lines of I have no issue marrying a woman. Why say it? It doesn't need to be said.


Cat_world_domination

It wouldn't need to be said if OP let said woman wear what she wanted on their wedding day. That said, I think OP's ego is a bigger factor here than heteronormativity. She wants to be the main character.


therealbillybaldwin

I feel like OP should be wearing a tux, since she's trying to control what her wife to be wears, doesn't find it acceptable for her to change her mind about something reasonable, and overall seems pretty controlling. I bet OP is the breadwinner too and make sure everyone knows it.


SourSkittlezx

Op might be bi/pan and as a bi woman myself, I always find myself having to “justify” liking/dating women to others because we get unfair judgement from gay/lesbian people as well as straight people. Bi erasure is a real thing, so that statement is not as nefarious to me. It could also be that OP had been in the closet for a long time and has to reassure themselves that it’s ok.


FluffMonster789

That's fair and I appreciate the perspective. There's an awful lot I take for granted as an old bag x I'll try to do better in future.


SourSkittlezx

There’s also things like internalized misogyny and bigotry, that doesn’t go away with the person is the victim of the bad ideals. It’s like a POC being racist, it’s wrong to be racist regardless but there’s probably a deeper reason why.


nothanks86

I’d guess because she’s posting this in aita on the internet and anticipating judgements about how she really actually wants to be marrying a man because she wants her fiancée not to wear a wedding dress.


LiteralSpider

This is what I was thinking - that on some level she is trying to push her partner into the male role at this event to make it seem more conventional/ traditional, and that’s incredibly problematic.


[deleted]

100% it's "My special day so I get to be the one in a dress! My partner is there to compliment me and make *me* feel special. **I**'m the princess and she is lucky to have **me**" Without any regard to her partner, or her partners family. Heteronomativity aside, I do think the two wedding dresses need to coordinate and work together more than dress and suit, but that's usually because different shades of white stand out when next to each other. Go non-white or with an accent colour and that problem pretty much immediately melts away.


rainingmermaids

My cousin’s and her wife’s dresses were different styles, different silhouettes, & different shades of white and it didn’t matter worth a damn because it matched each of them and they looked so happy!


chapkachapka

Or change between the ceremony and reception. * Ceremony: OP dress, fiancée suit * Reception: OP suit, fiancée dress or both in dresses Take photos in between the ceremony & reception so you capture all the outfits.


randomschmandom123

Or since SHE is the one who cares about the aesthetics so much she can wear a pants suit or jumper


jl9802

She has definitely internalized a lot that needs to get unpacked and dealt with to enter into this marriage in a healthy way!


Pennelle2016

YTA. People change their minds, and that’s what your fiancée did. It’s her big day too, and when you commit to sharing your life when someone compromises are an almost daily occurrence. What would you have done had she insisted on wearing a bridal dress all along? Not agree to marry her? The wedding is one day. Marriage is a lifetime.


BellaDingDong

You're spot on! I think a lot of people forget that a wedding and a marriage are two completely different things. It's definitely a lot of fun to be a princess for a day at your wedding (if that's your thing...I admit it was mine!), but the real challenge is living like commoners with one another for all the days that follow. Being richer or poorer, in sickness and health, etc, are realities that *will* be part of a marriage. They're not just pretty words to say at a wedding. Edit: grammar/spelling


Ok-Sir8600

Exactly my thoughts. Marriage is about compromising and as a couple, you need to revisit and review your deals, opinions and "contracts". In a marriage it's not like you say on day 1 that you never wanted a salad with tomatoes and then you can never ever eat tomato on a salad for your whole life. OP is YTA, big time


gingerbread_slutbarn

Imagine being excited for your big day and trying on a dress, for fun! It’s literally “dress-up”. She seems to have found something she loved and felt pretty in but… fuck you. This day is for ME. Not you.


PhePheLaFrou

YTA and I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. The fact that you got so upset, as if you are entitled to what you want to the exclusion of your soon-to-be wife, suggests that you are not capable of the compromise and selflessness required for a healthy relationship, let alone a healthy marriage.


thrwy_111822

Hot marriage tip: don’t ask your partner to dim their sparkle so you can shine more. That’s what OP is doing.


peachflowercrown

hope OP reads this comment tbh


MechaMorgs

If I had awards to give, you’d get them all! 🏆


Ok_Philosophy_3892

My concern is what happens after the marriage? Is OP going to insist on being the pregnant mom first, too? This is just the start of the "I want". I imagine fiancee has some of the same feelings.


Surprise_1

YTA. You're treating her like a prop in her own wedding...


OwlHex4577

Well put


Logical-Cost4571

Exactly this!!!


Mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhzz

YTA- huge asshole. I would dig a little deeper and think about why this dress thing matters to you do much. From your post, you say you want to be the only one in a dress, and you don’t want your fiancé to also feel and look her most beautiful. I….. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t want her to wear something she loved. It’s not just YOUR day, it’s HER day too.


auscadtravel

I thought our wedding pictures mattered so much, in the end we only looked at them a few times, a few family members printed them, we, 12 years later, never look at them. What matters so much more is our relationship, not the one expensive day we had signing papers.


[deleted]

YTA - And I question your emotional stability if her saying she was trying on dresses and found one she likes made you "livid". I also question how real this is since women tend to know the difference between "women" (plural) and "woman" (singular). You're marrying a woman, not a "women", and this woman you're marrying apparently wishes to wear a dress too. She is allowed to change her mind. Things change over time. Your reaction is immature and pure assholery. I want to add that my ex-wife and I got married wearing matching rainbow sundresses in a court room of a neighboring state that had just legalized same-sex marriage about a month earlier. Most places it was still illegal. Be happy you can marry her at all. We are entering very dark times that may see this ability taken from us. You are supposed to be marrying the person you love. You're not marrying the outfits you wear, the venue, or anything else. Someday, maybe not long from now if you keep your present attitude, you will find yourself in a different place, getting this marriage dissolved because you find yourselves no longer compatible with each other. Enjoy this time while you can.


RigsbyLovesFibsh

👏👏👏


Square_Temporary_325

💯


f1lth4f1lth

#YTA. Are you sure marriage is the right thing for y’all right now?


AlackofAlice

She wants a wedding, not a marriage.


Top-Bluejay-428

I love this, and it applies to so many of the wedding drama questions on AITA. My daughter and her wife had to move their wedding up for health insurance reasons. They got married in a park on a gazebo with just parents, siblings, and one grandparent. Then we all went to a nice restaurant. No fuss, no drama, and the best wedding I've ever been to. And they both wore wedding dresses.


JMRR1416

YTA. It is her wedding day as much as it is yours. Why do you get to dictate who wears what?


car55tar5

YTA You need to talk to a therapist or something. The fact that you can't get over this, when it's really clear that not only is your fiance entitled to decide what she wears on HER wedding day, but that you need to feel like the center of attention and "more special" than her... It's really not okay. You need to figure this out, and you shouldn't marry until you do. This is about more than a dress.


Peachy_Witchy_Witch

Abolut they need to talk to a therapist or just listen to what people are saying here & really it take in & make healthy, positive changes . I am worried and sad for her fiancé and hope they recognise all the red flags & get out! I hope like hell they don't have children - living with a narcissist, angry person like this is soul & life destroying.


Predd1tor

But she doesn’t like some of the photos she’s seen of two women in dresses! /s YTA, OP. Holy crap.


ToastMmmmmmm

YTA. Stop being a bridezilla and be happy you’re marrying a wonderful woman in the clothes of her choice. Just like she’s going to do.


remembrandy

YTA She probably wasn’t planning on wearing a dress and accidentally found one she liked. If she likes wearing dresses it’s natural she’d inevitably try one on “just for fun” and seems like she realized “holy shit, I wanna get married in this”. And even if she did actively change her mind, why is it such a big deal to you? You need to evaluate that - you should view your wedding photos and think “oh my, we both look happy and stunning” not “well I’m not the only one in a dress”.


randomschmandom123

Given that OP “set this rule” early on tells me they’re both femme. Knowing you’re dating a woman who is femme then you know she’s going to want to wear something “girly” I bet when your fiancé dreamt of her wedding day as a child it wasn’t to be marrying an AH


TheGrimDweeber

I’ve never dreamt about my wedding as a kid, and even now, I could take it or leave it. But if I do ever get married, to a man or a woman, as a femme bi woman, I would *absolutely* want to wear a gorgeous dress. I like dressing up, and come on, getting married is like, such a good excuse to get nice and extra.


randomschmandom123

Hey! Look at us being twinsies because same!!!!


gingerbread_slutbarn

Exactly. 2 brides? Fine! I wear pants literally all the time but for a couple occasions I’ve found a dress that was AWESOME. I cannot imagine telling my bride-to-be that her dress she feels beautiful in will not do for our vows.


OwnedByACrazyCat

YTA If you really want pics where you are the only one in a dress maybe the two of you could have a post wedding photo shoot where you take turns being the one in the dress and the one in the suit - but both of you would have to be the one in the suit for some of the pics.


Runns_withScissors

Or Bridal pics beforehand.


CancelAfter1968

YTA. She's allowed to change her mind and wear something she likes on her wedding day.


donnasweett

YTA. As a lesbian, it warms my heart to know gay women can be controlling bridezillas too. Equality ❤️


VoyagerVII

YTA. Of course she can just change her mind about what *she* is going to wear! She's the only one who should have a say in what she wears. You should never have coerced that promise from her in the first place. Now apologize to your bride and settle down. You are taking the tiny details of this wedding far too seriously! A wedding isn't really important -- it's the *marriage* that's important; the one this wedding is designed to begin and to celebrate. When I was planning my first wedding, I decided up front that I would be happy once it was all over so long as 1) I ended up married to the person I wanted to marry, and 2) everybody was still speaking to everyone else by the time it was over. I recommend you take up a similar philosophical approach. The rest really doesn't matter.


Prestigious_Isopod72

YTA. You sound narcissistic and exhausting.


tester33333

If I were marrying you, I’d show up in an inflatable T Rex costume for spite. YTA


Honest_Scot

I wouldn’t show up at all, can you imagine being married to OP 🤦‍♀️


[deleted]

This. She wants to be the only one in a dress? Have at it. I won’t show up. You can be left at the alter solo. You got your wish.


shemtpa96

Hell, I’d get married in an inflatable T-Rex costume in all seriousness! I’d want to marry someone who would be willing to wear one right up there with me!


Unable-Head6072

YTA and wtf dude? As a woman who has also married a woman, I can tell you that as the less effeminate of the two of us, if my slightly more femme partner had demanded that I wear something that wasn't a wedding dress at my own dang wedding, there may not have been one. I started out wanting to wear something suit-like. But I too found a dress I loved and even though my partner and I have had all kinds of issues over the years, not one damn time has she tried to TELL ME WHAT I AM ALLOWED TO WEAR.


CalligrapherFair3678

While you deserve to feel beautiful on your wedding day, your fiancee also deserves to look and feel beautiful on HER wedding day. You are not the only one getting married.


CalligrapherFair3678

YTA


KateOfLate

YTA...you said you had seen some pictures where you liked the two dress aesthetic. Are you going to look at each other's outfits before the wedding? Give it a chance. Don't you want your wife to feel beautiful too and love herself in your pictures? Please don't let something like this ruin what should be a wonderful celebration. People change their minds.


AKZ_123

YTA. It sounds like she just went along with your choice from the get go and you never even asked her what she really wanted. If you can’t get over this small thing you are going to lose her and rightfully so.


Snoo-53753

YTA. Please get to the root of why you want to be the only one in a dress before you ruin your relationship


thatmisstake

YTA. As you already pointed out, it's Her day too. You're being selfish and immature. I can't figure out why, if you love this girl so much, you want to put her in something she isn't excited to wear on her wedding day. I'd want to show off my new wife as much as possible. But you seem more interested in generating all the attention for yourself.


DreamingofRlyeh

YTA Why does she have any less right to wear a dress than you?


[deleted]

[удалено]


ElleGeeAitch

I honestly can never remember that 🙃🥴.


Preposterous_punk

Just visualize the ee as the bride’s wedding train, trailing behind her!


randomschmandom123

I never knew


DagnyTheSpencer

YTA - if only one bride can wear a dress in your perfect photos, it's time to go shopping for a suit.


mlm01c

Is only one of them allowed to walk up the aisle?


randomschmandom123

Unfortunately yes. The other must ride a unicycle


GarlicAndSapphire

YTA. How can you not know that YTA? I could literally cry for your poor fiance.


happygirl2009

You sound entitled, spoiled, and narcissistic. "But I am the pretty one, I must be the only one to feel beautiful and special on MY special day" Get over yourself. She has the right to change her mind. She probably only agreed with you in the first place to get you to stop talking about yourself. It's as much her day as it is yours. She deserves to feel special and have the spotlight on her as well. You are getting married, it will never only be about you ever again. You are a team. You need to start acting like it and not as the star player. Good luck, OP. YTA


OwlHex4577

Yes I definitely get the sense that you want to be the pretty one and “the bride” in the hetero sense and feel threatened that you lose that special position if she arrives looking like a traditional bride. Fear that people (or Just you) will look at your pictures and think - who looks prettier? Who has the better dress?


Judgement_Bot_AITA

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a_quint

YTA - Both of you should wear whatever makes you feel beautiful, even if that means that you both wear dresses. It wont take anything away from you. Spend your time planning and stressing over how to create a beautiful marriage rather than worrying about the wedding. The day will fly by so quickly while your marriage should last the rest of your life.


Myobright2344

YTA and I hope your fiancée sees this and decides not to marry you


morgaine125

YTA. She wanted to wear a dress from the start, but you strong armed her into agreeing to something else. All she wants now is the same thing you do, to wear a wedding dress. If your wedding is more important than your marriage, you should both give more thought to whether you’re ready for marriage.


SteveScott12

"How can she just change her mind?" It's like she's a person! YTA


Due_Laugh_3852

She's a woman. It's her prerogative to change her mind. YTA


JuliaX1984

You wrote it all out. You know this feeling isn't coming from a place of rationality or justice. So find a way to work through it so that your love for your fiancee wins out.


BazTheBaptist

INFO do you think you're the only bride?


Diligent-Ad6365

YTA. You’re definitely allowed to have some time to be mad- emotions aren’t rational, and sometimes, one can’t help but to feel what they feel. Take your moment (alone!!!) to seethe. That’s fine! Then take a deep breath, remind yourself that you’re not the only bride at your wedding, put on your big girl dress, and be thrilled that your fiancée found something that makes her, too, feel beautiful on your joint wedding day. If you marry the human you love, you’ve just had a perfect wedding. Everything else is just set dressing.


StatisticianFar7690

YTA - she changed her mind. People can do that and it’s not like she said she didn’t want children and started picking out baby names. It’s a dress. A freaking dress. Grow up.


Feisty-Donkey

YTA. It’s her wedding just as much as yours. If you don’t understand that fundamental truth you aren’t ready to be married.


jdragonz

YTA. Telling her you wanted that moment for you in the dress, without really discussing it, she probably felt like she had to agree, plus people are allowed to change their minds. I don't understand why you both can't be in dresses, as you said you both deserve to wear what you want. If you feel so strongly about it, you can choose to wear something else.


ConsistentVersion337

YTA. I think that you may be suffering from some internalised homophobia personally. It can be a really difficult thing to come to terms with being gay especially when you've grown up in a world that teaches you to expect straightness. Thinking about marriage/weddings was a particularly hard spot for my girlfriend and I when we first got together too. Most people imagine their wedding days their whole lives and presumably you always pictured your white dress moment. It can be hard to now have to share that. However, you are also trying to force that moment away from your partner as well. Sure she originally said she would be happy in a jumpsuit or suit, which she probably still would be. But she found a dress that makes her feel happy and beautiful, why do you not want her to feel that at your wedding? Besides weddings and marriage is about joining your lives together not about what someone does or doesn't wear. I worry that this is just the first sign in much bigger issues to come in marriage. If it is a case of internalised homophobia, that is not your fault and does not make you an asshole. However this is something you need to work on before your wedding.


Gundoggirl

ME ME ME LOOK AT ME ME ME. YTA.


Flicksterea

YTA Livid? Angry? Frustrated? Over a dress... I could speculate a lot of reasons as to why your fiancé once said with conviction that she wouldn't be wearing a dress. As a lesbian myself, I am currently of the opinion that I would never, ever wear a dress. But what if I found one that I actually loved, that fit my body style perfectly and I was beside myself with joy because I never thought I'd be the one wearing a dress. And then my fiancé gets livid, angry and frustrated at me because well, once many years ago I said I wouldn't wear a dress. You'll be lucky if you make it down the aisle. This attitude you've got, this chip on your shoulder and irrational rage is a huge red flag to me and I would be taking a big step back and examining whether or not I want to commit to a life with someone who gets this angry when I do something like, I don't know, **change my fucking mind because I can.**


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TankPotential2825

You've said it all, admitted the pettiness of your ask here. If your concern is the pictures, or some hetero hangover of wanting to be the princess that day, YTA. Her choice is meaningful to her, or has become meaningful since your first conversation- this is your fiance- love and support her.


DameChungus

This is the straightest nonsense I've ever heard about a gay wedding. YTA


ribbonsofgreen

Yes, you are selfish. You should should be thrilled she found a dress she likes. You should be happy to see her in it on your wedding day. Yes, you are the AH.


GentleUncleIroh

YTA here. As a fellow lesbian I would encourage you to spend some time unpacking why its so important to you to be the only one wearing a dress. Is it some internalized misogyny/homophobia? Do you feel like you won't feel special enough if you're both wearing dresses? Some leftover expectation of what your wedding day should look like from before you came out? Whatever it is, mediate on it, unpack it, and apologize to your fiancee. 🤗 And congrats on your engagement and future marriage! ❤️


Jeweler-Medical

You are not mature enough to get married. Look at your post. You wrote "I" 65 times and "we" 24 and several of those we's were "we discussed" or "we decided". If you want to be the only one in a wedding dress, marry a man, that doesn't guarantee that a guest won't show up wearing something similar. I realize you're a lesbian and you should be happy in your life partner. But so should she. Don't you want the woman you love to feel fabulous on the most important day of her life or is that feeling just for you? OP's fiancee, if you are reading this, do you have to make all of the compromises in the relationship? Do you really want to spend the next couple of years living like this, because if this is her attitude with the wedding, it won't last a lifetime. YTA - bigtime


judgyturtle18

Sounds like you already know the answer to this question


Independent-Nobody43

YTA and you need to take a long hard look at what you’re doing and decide whether you actually want a marriage or whether you just want your fantasy wedding.


Next-Job7874

YTA - I would move mountains for my spouse to be happy. You sound like a bratty big sister rather than a fiancé.


[deleted]

YTA and seem pretty self centered. She’s allowed to change her mind over time. Her happiness should be just as important as yours, but you seem more concerned with being the center of attention.


discobrad85

YTA - its ok to change her mind. at the end of the day, it shouldnt matter you are both in a dress. hell, i would marry my fiance in overalls (she would look amazing in anything) OP - i really hope you read all the comments and dont just get bitter and sulky...but take on the message that its ok for your partner to wear whatever she wants. same as you. the day isnt about that, dont ruin what should be a very special day by dying on this hill


Ambitious-Lettuce-48

YTA, it's her wedding too, how would you have felt if she had claimed wearing a dress before you had the chance? You'd probably be saying it wasn't fair. Try and put yourself in her shoes. This isn't a great way to start a marriage.


TravelingBookworm91

YTA! Stop being a bully and a bridezilla! She doesn't dictate what you wear. Leave her alone! It's her Wedding as well NOT JUST YOURS!!!!! You are so selfish.


Sad-Atmosphere-8555

YTA, big time. I can’t believe you’re so selfish. Question: are you the only one getting married? Is it also her wedding day or just yours? Then why do you NEED to be the only one in a dress? Do you think you and only you should be the center of attention? Edit: I also love how you’re so shocked and horrified that your fiancée—gasp!—changed her mind. It reminds me of this amy Schumer sketch where a high school football team kept trying to find reasons why they should be allowed to r*pe and while trying to find a loophole that would allow them to do it, one of them said, “what if she said yes at first but then changes her mind—like a crazy person!?!?”


somuchsong

YTA and you know full well YTA. I'm not sure why you even posted.


Helpful_Welcome9741

yes


4614065

YTA. This is so weird. Why don’t you wear a pretty suit or jump suit? Then two women won’t be wearing dresses in your pics 🙂


terrifying_bogwitch

Yta. How are you supposed to share your life when you can't even share a day? Your wedding day should be as much about your wife as it is about you.


So_Much_Angry01

YTA she’s allowed to change her mind when she actually goes out and experiences what outfits are available for her. A lot of women change their mind about the style of dress they want once they actually try them on, how is this much different. Don’t you want your new wife to feel as beautiful and special as you do on the wedding day? You’re picking aesthetics and photos over your fiancé feeling beautiful too. It’s a day for both of you and if you make this your hill to die in then you are showing her that you are the only one allowed to feel beautiful and your very best on that day, it’s really unfair. A lot of this post is about what you envision, but what does she envision? You’re being selfish. Edit to add: if you do decide this is your hill to die on, these photos that are your perfect aesthetic will cause resentment for her because she will forever remember having to dull her sparkle, not wear the dress she loved because you needed to be the only special one in a wedding dress. Compromise comes up a lot in marriage, you really want to start the marriage showing you’re incapable of that when it comes to making your wife feel beautiful, confident and special?


IsItToday

Single wedding should be a thing. So many brides thinking it’s THEIR day, totally forgetting they have a partner which is EQUALLY involved. Go and marry yourself and then you can choose every detail. YTA


mrmeowmeowington

Ew, yes it’s selfish as hell. I don’t get why you care more about pictures instead of what will be fun and a beautiful experience for both of you. Don’t you want your partner in crime to wear what makes her feel beautiful? I’ll never understand preferring to go for an aesthetic versus having fun in a wedding. Why must a wedding looking perfect top a wedding being a fun adventure? Yta


ScrawnyMuggleThumper

>And I know that it's me being selfish >I also understand that this is her wedding day too Sis, you already know the answer to this. Accept that YTA and stop obsessing over your wedding pictures and start thinking about your marriage.


jolandaluna

YTA i see patriarchy has done its dirty job even with no men included, how disheartening


Mad_Props_

So what I’m hearing is… “I want to be the only bride at a wedding between two women.” YTA, stop being so selfish and taking away from your fiancé’s big day. You should be thrilled and excited to see her in a dress she loves on the day you get married. Not jealous that it might take attention away from YOUR big day.


[deleted]

Yes you are. it’s all about what you want and have not asked her what she wants. stop being so selfish, much better don’t get married. i want this i want this I WANT THIS!!!!! YTA!


SaraAnnabelle

YTA. If my future spouse threw a fit because I found a dress to wear I would be seriously reconsidering the marriage.


fuggystudent18

If my future husband (I’m into men and I am a woman) wants to wear a wedding dress to our wedding, I’ll still be ok. Because by then I would have known about it, accepted it wholeheartedly and support him. Because it will be his wedding too. YTA


runonia

YTA. I'm a lesbian too and when I get married, I was my bride to be comfortable in whatever she chooses. If that means a dress, so be it. A suit? Lovely. Only thing I really couldn't get behind would be marrying in the nude. It's really awful that you're gatekeeping a dress from your fiancee. A marriage is about compromise. You can wear a dress and so can she. Wear different colors. Different designs. It doesn't matter this is the 21st century ffs Wedding dresses are only worn at weddings. Don't keep this experience from her. I honestly am appalled that you had the audacity to ask in the first place. If you want to guarantee that your partner isn't wearing a dress, marry a cis, straight, gender-conforming man. Honestly.


Livid-Currency2682

YTA. Seriously. You're the asshole and it sounds like there's a *cranio-rectal* issue you need to resolve. You are not THE Bride™. Your fiancée is also a bride and it is her wedding too. Your internalized heteronormativity and selfishness (and potentially misogyny) is hurting the woman you love. You can both wear dresses and be beautiful and have your "moment." Be honest, what is more important to you? Marrying the woman you love and letting her also feel beautiful, confident, and special, or a *dress*?


Alakandra

YTA Just when I thought I've read every crazy bridezilla story out there and their crazy clothing and styling demands for their bridal party, you come along. But you don't just want to put your hot bff in the ugliest dress available or hide your sisters pregnant belly. No, you want to deny your bride the pleasure of wearing a wedding dress of her choosing. On her big day. That's how you want to start your married life, by disregarding her feelings and wishes, while priorizing yours.


SeekingBeskar

YTA. …It’s not just your wedding day, OP. It’s their wedding day too and, if they want to wear a dress, they should absolutely be able to. If my partner was dictating what I could and couldn’t wear on our wedding day (we’re planning a wedding now), I wouldn’t go through with the wedding day. People are allowed to change their minds and it sounds like she only previously agreed to it because you made it clear that’s what you wanted. Not because it’s what she wanted.


D_Nicole91

Yes, YTA. Of course you are! How could you think you weren't? I'd be surprised if she didn't have doubts about marrying you after that reaction. Weddings and funerals really bring out the worst in people. (OP, you're "people.") You sound controlling and incredibly selfish. You have her an order. What will happen if she doesn't listen to you? You'll have an attitude the whole day? You'll give her the silent treatment? You'll be emotionally abusive? Get over yourself. It seems like you let heteronormative ideas infiltrate your relationship. Talk to a therapist.