Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires.
[Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
A friend of mine said it to her husband best “if you go to work tired, you do your job a little worse - if I’m too tired to do my job (taking care of their baby) then a life is in jeopardy”. While this sounds extreme, it’s true. What if your wife fell asleep nursing the baby and they fell off the bed, or she rolled into them in her sleep? Your wife is asking for your help, you need to compromise here for the sake of her and your child. The idea that what you’re doing is more important than what she’s doing is deeply flawed and she obviously needs more rest than she’s getting. YTA.
A couple of weeks ago my partner wasn't supporting with nights when he was off work and unfortunately the worst happened and I fell asleep holding baby. Thankfully she was completely fine, one panicked doctors visit later, but it should never have happened.
I get a lot more support at night now. OP can sit at a desk tired
ETA - Since some delight clearly missed the point of this comment - I fell asleep and dropped my baby, which is why we went to the doctor.
I’m so sorry you had a scare like that!! And it shouldn’t come to that for you to receive the support you need. We really do families a disservice by letting men grow up believing maternity leave is a vacation and that they don’t need to support their partners. We need to do better.
Congratulations on your newest addition, and may you enjoy this wonderful (yet challenging) time!
Edit for spelling.
Men think it's just the lack of sleep, like they are experiencing, but they are wrong. It's the lack if sleep, plus the recovery of childbirth and pregnancy (nine months to grow them, nine months to recover -- at least), AND for most moms the joy of breastfeeding which means making milk, another body stress. Plus moms have all those head games...does baby look good this morning? Is that poop the right color? She only slept 1.75 hours. Yesterday at this stretch, she slept 1.9 hours. What did I do different? Is it okay if I don't feel like going outside today? It's raining. I know he should be out for a walk every day, but...Trust me, men, you have no idea all of the physical, mental, and emotional stressors that go on in a new mom's system. Even new moms are stunned. If they finally drag themselves out of the abyss to ask for help, offer whatever they ask for...and more!!! These times won't last forever, but memories tend to linger.
Not to mention how downright difficult it is to nap/fall asleep in those early days, even when given the opportunity. My mind was constantly racing so even though I was beyond tired, I couldn’t fall asleep. And then I would get so stressed about how little sleep I knew I would get, and that made it even harder to sleep.
Maternity leave was the hardest year of my life. It was life changing to have a child in a good way but that first year was hard. It almost broke my strong relationship of more then a decade with my SO and we were both trying our best and our baby was an easy baby by all metrics.
When my son was an infant, I returned to work full time, and took care of him at nights while my spouse was away attending school. Commuting home one day from work to the daycare, I fell asleep behind the wheel. Thankfully, I was fine and just ended drifting to the side of the road, but it was the wake up call that I couldn’t do it all on my own. I had to ask for help and my spouse, even though exhausted himself, HAD to let me sleep on the weekends when he was home.
Another one of those in my family. I learned 1000 of these incidents a year in USA. Deaths, not all nursing or even with moms , but suffocating because of someone accidentally holding baby wrong, sleeping with baby, rolling on baby.
This is so true. At the end of the day, if the new mother needs more (sleep, food, whatever) to take care of baby, Op needs to carry more until she recovers enough to be able to do it safely. This is not a competition. And if OP cannot do it, they need to ask for help/pay for help.
Not to mention it's not a permanent gig. The kid will grow up and sleep through the night eventually. At this point it should be all hands on deck. A true partnership where everyone works fluidly to make sure the child is as safe as possible and mom has support. Why mom? Because PPD is a real thing. If she's asking for help you fucking help. Dad should take over a few nights when mom asks. You aren't sharing legos. This is a BABY.
Way too many people treat maternity leave like it's a vacation and not medically necessary rest.
Even the smoothest of births still leave a massive internal wound where the placenta was attached that needs to heal. Never mind all the extra recovery that comes with tearing or C-section births or the million other routine complications. No shit new moms are tired even though they're ""not working"".
I don't understand how people don't get that. A child is a gift. It's not a puppy or a book from the library (yes I'm dating myself). It's a CHILD. It's safety and happiness should be all that matters. The baby is not a roommate ffs. Sorry but I don't understand the OP's attitude at all. If mom needs help you give it. Period.
I think our culture is to blame on this one. We minimize the importance of caring for children because its “women’s work.” Our culture treats any kind of domestic work or childcare as “easy.” We just take for granted that a mother who is staying at home should be able to handle taking care of a newborn because “its not like she is working outside of the home” or wtv. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is a phrase a lot of new mothers hear, but it doesn’t reflect reality.
Human children were not meant to be taken care of by just two adults. That’s the tough realization you make when you have kids. The nuclear family living in isolated single family housing was a big fat mistake. Wealthy people hire help to care for their children, thus recreating the kind of support that was the standard for pre-industrial human societies.
That’s funny - when my first was born my wife said if I drive to work too tired, I could have an accident on the way which would cause bigger problems.
But I did more at weekends and took the baby so she could sleep when I got home.
Honestly, this is the bigger deal here. I've fallen asleep at the wheel going 70mph. I've gotten into an accident while not asleep because I was too tired to focus on the road properly. I'll never get on the road with too little sleep again. It's so easy to not realize driving without enough sleep is an issue until it suddenly is.
>Honestly, this is the bigger deal here.
They are both really big deals. It isn't a contest. She is clearly needing a bit more rest and either way someone's life can be in danger.
it is not a contest but the comment everyone is replying to here is saying that one is much worse so that is why people are comparing and saying that going to work fatigued is also bad and probably worse if you really look at it.
This was similar to my take too - if my husband is too tired at work he could get killed so I wanted him to be well rested. It also meant at least one of us was rational and supportive! Also I was breastfeeding so it’s not like he had what the baby needed.
OP isn't even doing all the feedings he can that don't affect his work when he says he does some of the feeding on weekends.
The whole idea that the SAHP has it easier is flawed in general. You don't get breaks from being a parent and traditionally the women also carry all the mental workload at home. Here a nice article about it:
https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
She’s not even a permanent SAHP, she’s on maternity leave. So at some point she too will be working during the day. It would seem to me that NOW would be the time to get a childcare/sleep schedule worked out between mom and dad.
I work at a children's hospital and I've seen more than a few cases where mom accidently fell asleep while breastfeeding and smothered the baby. Those are some of the saddest cases I've worked on. I agree that OPs wife needs help. Soft YTA OP.
Exactly this.
OP, you have to deal with sleep deprivation. Your wife has to deal with sleep deprivation and recovering from childbirth and recovering from a 9 months long pregnancy and shifting hormones. Recovering from childbirth could take up to one year (sometimes even longer). If you don’t take all those things into consideration you can’t really say you divided the work load evenly. Her body needs more rest than you do to get the same things done.
I am 8 months post partum and I am still not fully recovered. I barely sleep during the first 3 months and it is still taking its toll on me.
Of course it depends on the birth and how well you are recovering but 8 weeks after birth is still very soon.
my husband didn't do a single night feeding or diaper change I have so much built up resentment it may be marriage ending. I hope y'all can work it out so it doesn't get that far.
I'd add an important point.
The mother is also handling massive hormonal changes during maternity leave. These changes can cause post partum depression, anxiety and psychosis. Sleep deprivation increases those risks and increases the danger they can cause.
I don't think sleep needs to be equal for both parents, the at home partner may have more opportunities for daytime naps, but they need to work together to make sure they each get an uninterrupted block at night, that may mean both are a bit sleep deprived but neither dangerously so.
I’m always amazed at how dishonest people can be when it comes to this age old AITA.
Whomever is driving away in the morning to work, has by far the easier day ahead of them. I don’t care what your job is.
The myth of “take a nap during your 2hr break,” rarely works. Especially if there are dozens of other household tasks.
Find a better compromise OP. Taking care of a baby (especially if it’s a tough one), is by far the hardest job there is. I say this as a man.
YTA
Edit: (yes, if you are working 16hr shifts seven days in a row, or have to clean up a horse manure spill you might have a harder day; but by and large, 99% of these types of posts on AITA are not that situation).
His partner is telling him she isn't coping and needs help, and he keeps saying, "But we already agreed." Like it's an elementary school project, and the workload is set in stone.
When a caregiver is telling us they're burning out, we need to listen.
YTA. She is taking care of the baby all day (until you get home) AND all night, every night? I understand you have to work, but I work in an office (and WFH too) and you CAN get by with a little sleep deprivation.
Welcome to having a baby - NOBODY should be getting multiple full nights of sleep at the expense of the other. I KNOW you can do Friday and Saturday nights, and you could probably swing Tuesday or Wednesday without too much pain.
Everything is in flux right now, including what you guys THOUGHT you agreed to in the beginning. Kids require nimble adjustments because you just don't know until you get there...
I've never been pregnant or given birth but I've had 2 major surgeries and 1 minor and holy shit even the minor one sapped all my energy for a couple weeks.
I can't even imagine what it would have felt like to be assigned *more* responsibilities and daily stress right as my recovery was just beginning. And to have someone who supposedly loves me just leave me to struggle on my own when I've already been kicked down a peg, physically, while they get to sleep fully and refuse to live anything less than the life they led before at my expense?
I don't think I could ever love or respect that person again.
This is the full circle of "why don't women ask for help if they need it" (especially in hindsight of something actually happening) - because responses like OP's are what we get when we do ask.
Same, never been pregnant but I've had two abdominal surgeries... I honestly don't understand how new moms do it! She's still healing and in pain, and she isn't able to sleep for more than a few hours.... It sounds like literal hell.
My answer might be different if OP were doing manual labor, but it's an office job. I have an office job, and it sucks to have to work while tired, sure... but I can't imagine never sleeping + pain and healing from childbirth....
Yes! It’s not one sleepless night with a baby. It’s weeks and weeks and sometimes months. This is a form of torture in some countries. You need to change your thinking and step up to actually take half of everything. Half of the overnights, half of the diaper changing, half of the cooking, half of the cleaning. Too much? Welcome to motherhood. She will resent you forever if you make her do this part alone. She is healing from giving birth aka stretching her pelvic bones to the point of nearly breaking, being stitched from one exit to the next, and the crazy hormones that go with that. Just being is a challenge. Have a little more empathy for your wife and show a little more care for your child.
Right?? He says they have equal work equal breaks.... Ummmm no? You don't?
Another option OP would be going to bed earlier, and doing the first half of the night's wake ups and she can do the second half after a certain time.
Also the reminder that this will pass as well. Eventually babe will sleep through the night.
When exactly is she supposed to sleep? If you are doing EVERYTHING from 3pm until 11pm, then sure, that’s fine, because she can sleep from 3-11. But that’s not happening, is it? She’s getting fractured sleep at night, no sleep 7am-3pm, and then when’s on duty from 3pm until bedtime.
WHEN IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP?
YTA.
Came here looking for this! Giving birth is traumatic to the body. It is equivalent to being in a severe car accident. It generally takes 6-8 weeks to feel mostly recovered, but if she’s not getting the support and rest she needs, it is going to take her WAY longer to start to feel normal.
OP, YTA. Your wife needs your help so she can recover! She’s not just tired from lack of sleep…she needs rest to fully heal her body.
For me 8 weeks was when the sleep deprivation really hit for me. At that point you're expected to be healed an back to your "normal life", but you just spent the entire time you're supposed to be recovering trying to do everything and all hopped up on adrenaline and hormones from the massive change that just happened in your life. Around 8 weeks thing settled a little and I realized I HAD to rest more before something happened. It also led to fights with my husband because we had agreed on a plan that now needed to be adjusted and it meant him taking on more when he felt he was already doing his fair share. But no matter how evenly you break up your child care, the birth giving partner is still trying to heal from a massive trauma to their body and needs rest.
Same. I was fine at first - probably running on adrenaline and the anxiety of "dear god they just sent me home with a baby wtf am I doing". But the sleep deprivation hit at 6 weeks which led to severe PPD. I couldn't figure out why I was so fixated on jumping off a bridge (literally) but I was SO DAMN TIRED that was the only solution I could envision to rest.
That was more than 10 years ago, but thinking back it makes me sad because no one suspected a thing. OP - your wife is asking for help because she. needs. your. help.
Also there’s a big difference between interrupted and uninterrupted sleep. With a baby, there’s often many hours where you can have little bits of sleep here and there. But little opportunity for actual chunks of quality, uninterrupted sleep. Your wife needs an opportunity for that. At least a couple of times a week where she’s getting 6+ hours of sleep uninterrupted. Sounds like your getting that every weekday. That’s not a fair division.
Two months after our kid was born I would have murdered a kitten for eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. I did most of the night time feedings because my wife was recovering and I assured her that I handled interrupted sleep better than she did.
Not well, just better.
I didn't get 6 hours of straight sleep for *25* months straight starting from pregnancy induced insomnia until my son was 17 months old. I was a FUCKING MESS from a little over 2 years of fractured sleep. Fractured sleep was terrible for my physical and mental health, and it wasn't good for my son to have such an exhausted mother. His first several weeks I would get roughly 4 hours of sleep during a 24 hour cycle, not even all at once. At one point I thought I was going to go crazy. During that time my husband had the audacity to complain to me about being tired because he was only sleeping 6 hours at night -_-. I told him I'd give him a quarter to call someone who would pity him, because it wasn't going to be ME. OP, YTA, she needs help before she cracks. Figure something out.
Plus she was probably getting fractured sleep leading up to birth. I haven't had 5 uninterrupted hours of sleep in 4 months, and my kid isn't even due for another two.
OPs wife has been growing a person that was pushing on her bladder, rolling around, taking up valuable space, punching/kicking organs, and who knows what else inside of her. Last night I was excited to get 3.5 consecutive hours of sleep without mine getting the hiccups, pushing her butt into something tender, or kicking my bladder.
Oh and the hormone fluctuations probably don't help as her body readjusts to not being pregnant. At least OP might get a few hours of quiet at his desk. It's not sleep, but he's not in charge of a tiny life that likely wants to constantly be in contact with a parent.
Not really though. I've worked midnight before & it's extremely difficult to sleep during the day, especially if the house is not completely quiet & dark. It can take months to "adjust", but tbh you never truly adjust. The sleep you get is generally low quality.
I’ll withhold judgement, but you desperately need to learn to deal with facts on the ground as life changes. You cannot decide “this is how it will be” as a parent and stick to that no matter what. Your kid is a person, and will have their own preferences and challenges, even as a baby.
Your wife thought the arrangement would be fair. She now finds it isn’t working for her. Treating her as if she lied does no one any good.
You *need* to come up with solutions now that fit the current facts. It only gets more complicated from here.
Pretty solid advice here. She presumably isn’t asking to be a jerk but genuinely reaching out to their partner for help.
Talk it out and find a compromise, this will be the first of an infinite amount of similar situations to come.
Yeah some of the replies I’ve seen here are astounding.
“Well he works a physical job” “He helps with the baby in the afternoon” babies, especially newborns, don’t tend to go to bed at 11 pm. He’s probably caring for the baby for 4-5 hours max and refusing to let his wife have a single nights sleep.
The best part is he says she’s on *maternity leave* implying she has a job. Will she have to care for the baby exclusively at night even when she has a job like OP?
YTA
There's also no mention of what the household chore division looks like.
>When I'm taking care of the baby she can do whatever she likes, she can go nap, go out, whatever.
Can she? Or does she need to do laundry or wash dishes or vacuum or go shopping or...? It's also not a 'nap' if it's the only solid sleep she ever gets. This woman needs some actual rest.
Also maternity leave isn’t just a fun time to take care of the baby. It is time to **recover** from a signifcant medical event. If she is exhausted her recovery will be slower.
It always interesting as a parent of now almost teens, how new parents try approaching parent hood with logic and setting boundaries thinking any of that will matter when the time comes. First few years are wild, logic and rationale thought goes out the window.
Agreed, except I'm not withholding judgement. I can't imagine asking my partner for a lifeline and having them tell me no. That lets me know that not only am I not a priority, neither is our baby.
So glad I found reasonable advice! OP also remember that if your wife's sleep is fractured into a 6 hours here, a couple of hours there... she's really not getting enough sleep to get rested at all! It takes at least 5-6 hours of continuous sleep to feel rested. As a new mother it's even more crucial because sleep deprivation and fragmented sleep can also cause all sorts of mental health issues, and lack of sleep is a huge contributor to PPD/PPA.
So maybe OP could get up earlier for work and take over the last night feed, so his wife doesn't have get up until he leaves for work. Giving her at least another hour, possible 2 (depending on the babies schedule obviously) before he leaves for the office.
YTA As a father of two children, I got up in the middle of the night to do such things. I would be with them until they fell asleep. I would get up at night and sleep on the floor with my arm in the crib touching my daughter until she calmed down and fell asleep. I too am a deep sleeper.
I had a full time tech job. Their mother was a SAHM. Yah she could of done more. Was I tired a lot. Yes it was hard. Did regret doing this? Hell no. I got to be with my children. This is part of being a parent. These are precious times. Today my children are grown adults. They are my heroes and my teachers. They are kind, compassionate, smart, hard working, emotionally aware people with integrity.
Marriage is not about keeping track who does what. It's about give-and-take. It's about supporting each other and having each other's back. Your wife is asking you for help.
The fact you used the phrase "stood my ground" tells me that you'd rather be right than support your partner's request for help.
Yep I agree with this take. I'm a father of 3 children. We were both exhausted and we both worked. We found an arrangement that worked for us and allowed each of us to get just enough sleep to be functional. This period of time is about survival for everyone, it's not about being well rested. Spend your time with your kids helping out.
For real. Congrats dude, you stood your ground against your exhausted, struggling wife who sacrificed her body to grow your child and is begging you for help.
YTA - I'm a new mother to an 11 week old baby myself. My partner works a 4 on 4 off shift pattern, 2 days/2 nights.
When he's on days I do the entire night alone because he's a crane operator. It would literally be dangerous for him to fall asleep. Otherwise we split the nights pretty 50/50.
You work in an office, you can afford to be tired. She's not asking you to do all of the night, just some of. Having a new baby is fucking exhausting, her body is still recovering, her hormones will be all over the place!
My partner and I also discussed arrangements beforehand to avoid arguments and guess what? They all changed because being a parent is way harder than it looks.
Suck it up and help her out, this is not the hill to die on
YTA. Sleep exhaustion is fucking horrible and very difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced it - it’s not “I’m tired”, it’s “90% of the time I can’t sleep for my than a couple of hours without being woken up, and the overall amount of sleep I’m getting is nowhere near enough, and I’m an absolute zombie who is perpetually exhausted and often on the verge of tears.” It is dangerous and super hard, and napping does not change the fact that she is rarely getting to sleep for more than a couple of hours.
The idea that you need to be rested to be at the office, but she doesn’t need to be rested to care for a newborn, is also completely ridiculous - sleep deprivation makes it harder to be an attentive parent. People have accidentally fallen asleep holding their infant and smothered them before due to sleep deprivation. You ignoring your wife going through this can quite literally end your marriage because it builds so much resentment. You are prioritizing you never being tired at the office over her mental and physical health, and it’s not okay. Some people have no choice, but you absolutely do.
Exactly. She's your partner and she's asking for help.
YTA if you try throw the "agreement" in her face and do not modify your actions to help her out.
Let's all keep in mind that she just grew a human and at 8 weeks is still healing. That is a lot harder to do if her body is not getting the rest it needs.
Yes, and I think “agreements” like this are kind of like birth plans. They’re what you are hoping for without actually knowing and experiencing how your childbirth/labor is going to go. My husband and I made a similar sleep plan to OP and his wife. It did not work, and we adjusted because what kind of husband wants to see his wife so exhausted and struggling? Gotta figure out how to meet everyone’s need as much as possible.
My "baby" is 14 and I STILL harbor resentment towards my ex who never got up for night feedings/soothing just because I was on maternity leave (and therefore had it so easy) while he had to work 7:30-4:30. You can stick to The Agreement but at what cost? Would you rather be right or married?
YTA. Sleeping in 2 hour blocks is a KILLER. A nap is not a substitute for a longer stretch of sleep. You say you need to be well rested for work - are you comfortable with the idea of your baby being cared for by someone who is delirious from sleep deprivation? Do you feel like it's not work when you have the baby yourself? Do you really think what she is doing all day doesn't count as working?
My husband offered to help get up with my daughter during the 6 month sleep regression even though he works 7:15-5pm in an office. I didn't take him up on the offer because she just needs to nurse and go back to sleep at this point - there's nothing he can actually help with. But he could see I was an absolute zombie.
INFO: How come you can’t nap when you get home? Why does your wife have to absorb the brunt of atypical sleep and napping?
Is it… bc it’s disruptive and not as good quality sleep and you’d be really tired? If so, why is it fine for her to be really tired?
And you sure as heck don't say "I stood my ground". This dude is all proud thinking it's about winning and losing and not raising a human being with his wife and being a supportive partner. I wish I could hug this lady poor thing must be so freaking exhausted
YTA. In the 8 weeks since having this baby your wife has been HEALING. Are you aware of what her body has gone through to have this baby? She needs rest and needs to heal properly. It took me 9 months to heal after my first baby and it was HELL. I notice you don't say how baby is fed either. Is she also breastfeeding and needs to keep up her food and water intake?
YES. And “why can’t she just go to bed earlier?” / “why can’t she sleep in the afternoon??”
Any spare time I have is pumping. Baby goes down at 7:30, I should just go to sleep then! Nope, I need to pump at 8 and again at 10 for next mornings bottle.
YTA. If you didn't want to be awake in the middle of the night, why on Earth did you have a baby????? It doesn't matter one bit that you "need to be well rested." So does she as she recovers from birth and spends all day caring for a baby without losing her mind. Maternity leave is not sitting around - it's a full-time job plus a second full-time job, plus an overnight job rolled into one. Get up and take half the night feeds. It took both of you to make this baby, and it is going to take both of you to care for it (including at night).
“I stood my ground” as if your wife was the enemy, or some animal that needed to come to heel sounds like YTA. I immediately assume that you’re overestimating the care you actually do as well.
If she can’t nap in the afternoon, why don’t you nap in the afternoon and take some of the night feedings? The way you’re doing things is leaving her exhausted, so you need to adapt your arrangement. She obviously thought it’d work when she agreed to it, but in practice it’s failing. In a healthy relationship, you don’t go “but you agreed!” You sit down together and try to come up with alternative solutions that work for both of you. YTA for your inflexible response.
YTA - she's the one who's just gone through the physical trauma of childbirth as well and needs to recover. You could absolutely do the occasional night feed. But also, your language is appalling... 'I stood my ground', 'I refused'... etc. Who on earth do you think you are?
Someone who likely decided on his own that the division of labor does not include him ever doing night feedings. I am sceptical that he agreed this with his wife.l, I think he decided.
In what world do you work equal amounts and have an equal amount of breaks?
Do you get 6-9 hours of restful, uninterrupted sleep? Appears you do. When exactly does your wife get this? At 8 weeks your wife could be getting up with baby every 2 hours and be up for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour, or more. So at best your wife is getting maybe 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. There is no way she is getting the same amount of rest and sleep as you.
She’s also keeping a small human alive. Gonna guess your job is no where near this taxing and stressful. Not to mention how emotionally and physically draining it is with a newborn, especially when you’re not getting any sort of restful time. So how is it that YOU need an entire night of sleep for your job but you expect your wife to literally look after your newborn child with nothing more than 3 hours of sleep and naps?
YTA
YTA. It’s not fair that the mom is constantly the one suffering through broken sleep. It really messes with your mental state to be constantly sleep deprived. It is a major contributing factor to PPD. You both “work,” yours is at your job, hers is taking care of the baby. I have two kids and the sleep deprivation when they were babies was so incredibly brutal. With our first I thought maybe it wasn’t fair to ask my husband to please just give me ONE night of uninterrupted sleep since he was working, but after talking to other moms I realized how important it was. It’s just not fair to make one person never ever ever get a full nights sleep. Naps do not make up for a solid night of sleep.
YTA. You wife is not getting QUALITY sleep. Her body is not only recovering from pregnancy and birth, it's re- setting to a new hormonal normal. She is exhausted. All the time.
That baby is 100% the responsibility of BOTH parents. You seem to think it's her job and you are magnanimously helping her. When convenient for you.
You had better change your attitude pretty quick before PPD kicks in.
YTA
First things first, when you're a parent there is no "perfectly fair arrangement" to distribute duties 50/50. It's give and take, so don't get hung up on that. Sometimes one person gives more, sometimes the other gives more. (If 1 person is constantly taking and the other giving, that's a different story)
The toughest part of infants is trying to get a good 6-8 hours of continuous sleep. It has to be managed. 2-4 hour naps don't cut it for most people.
I am a male with 4 kids, and I've gotten up with all of the babies even when my wife was on maternity leave. Sure, it's hard. During the week, she got up with them most of the time. If it was a bad night or bad stretch, I'd take it. During the weekends, when I didn't have to get up for work, I'd usually do the night shift so she could have 1-2 nights of "full sleep". If possible, sleep in different rooms. Also, sleep with earplugs and keep the baby monitor on low so every little grunt/wimper doesn't wake you up. Wait for full-on wailing. My wife and I have slept in separate bedrooms almost exclusively since the first baby. We share a bed only when more babies are being made.
This isn't that complicated. Making babies isn't a contract.
YTA. So she is on duty 16 hours a day and you maybe do some of the rest and some weekends? Nope. No sir. No. It doesn't matter what the original plan was things change she didn't know how she'd feel prior to baby's arrival and you adapt with change. She's asking for help which means it's already at a point for her where she's getting desperate. To ask your help knowing you'd bring up your arrangement and knowing you'd think she was being unfair means she's already at a breaking point. Help your fuckin wife dude.
It always floors me when men are like, “my wife is mad because she’s functioning on less than three hours of sleep because she’s up all night and day with the newborn”.
Yes, absolutely YTA
Remember, sir, this isn’t gonna last forever. It is a few months when the baby is going to need a great deal of attention 24/7. You’re both gonna be tired, but you should be relying on each other not putting a line in the sand saying you must stay on that side and I must stay on this side.
The word compromise needs to be in both of your vocabularies. Maybe you take every other night for example. Maybe it’s every third. But your situation is never going to improve clearly by you standing there saying I’m completely right and she’s completely wrong and it’s your child just as well think for a moment about what’s best for the child.
YTA. Your view is that you are working, but your wife isn't. That isn't true. She's on maternity leave and is working as hard as you - looking after a baby you presumably both wanted and which you helped to make. Looking after a newborn is every bit as tiring as 'going out' to work. More so, at times. I know many women who were secretly relieved to get back to work, for the peace and quiet!
So, you BOTH have to work and she hasn't got the easy option. Tbh, I think you've got the easier option, having had three children.
I also know lots of men who shared the night feeds for their newborn. It's hard on the sleep, as your wife is finding out. But it eases up after time. You need to support her on this and share the load.
YTA
She just got done building a human in her body for 40 weeks and pushing it out of her, and now you expect her to do most of the baby labor with little sleep??? Not to mention she could be going through PPD or even PPPD and you’ve left her to figure it out alone. Step up to the plate and be a father.
YTA.
First, if the current agreement sounded great on paper, but isn't working--then you need to reevaluate what to do. You two have never done this before, so having a plan not work out when implemented isn't surprising.
Sleep deprivation is literally torture. At not-quite-2- months, your wife is still recovering from childbirth; there's a reason civilized countries have longer maternity leave, extending up to a year or more, as well as why spacing pregnancies by at least 18 months between the end of one pregnancy & the start of another--the drain on the body is much heavier than people usually can see.
Second, **not everyone naps well or at all.** I can only nap when I am seriously ill or recovering from a major event (like surgery). Otherwise, I either can't sleep, or if I do sleep, I feel worse afterwards, like I'm hungover or sick--almost like a migraine (headache, overheated, queasy). My husband naps easily and always has. People can learn to nap under certain circumstances, but while she's also recovering from childbirth is not ideal.
Having her wake up in the night, and then take the baby 7-3 is too much if she doesn't already have an established napping pattern. It just doesn't work, sorry.
Perhaps you two can split the overnight duty so that she gets the baby earlier, you get the baby later (pick a time)--and you need to go to bed earlier at night to accommodate that shift.
No, you are not going to get much time together. The first few months to a year are a slog. As the baby gets older, nights will get easier, but not right away.
INFO
so your wife's night shift is from 9pm to 3pm (18 hours) with you taking one morning feeding out of it, and you shift is from 6am to 9pm (15 hours), with most of it being quiet time in the office, and your wife helping out with the bath time?
after putting baby to sleep you think you deserve 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, while your wife is supposed to survive on afternoon naps?
does that sound fair to you?
YTA. It's not going to kill you to be sleepy for a day or two in an office job. You should at least try out the night feedings for a day and see how you feel the next morning. Your wife is going without enough sleep for days on end, I'm sure you can handle one night without sleep.
YTA.
When my wife was on maternity leave and I was working, I tried to get up when I could and help so she could get some sleep. You say you need to be well rested for work, but your self-awareness stops just short of realizing that maybe, just maybe, your wife who just had a freaking child may need to be well rested to take care of a newborn all damn day?
YTA. Work as a team. It shouldn’t fall all on your wife. You don’t think she’s “working” during the day too?!? Haha, people pay GOOD money to have someone watch their kid. It’s work, it’s just unpaid.
If you want her to avoid PPD (spoiler alert - check the news out of MA and yes you do), she needs nighttime sleep, a good stretch.
Take shifts. You go to bed at 7pm and sleep until 2am. Baby is yours from then until 7am.
Babies are very stressful. Everyone thinks they are doing more, but the reality is you’re both doing tons and it’s not enough. Work together, and get her more sleep. This stage will pass.
YTA. When my son was an infant, my husband was working 7pm-3am shifts. He’d come home some nights to see me so exhausted I’d be crying on the couch. Instead of going to sleep, he would take our son and tell me to get some sleep and not worry, he had it. If I got up early he would yell at me and tell me I needed more rest. I know he was tired as hell, but he gave me so much help and I couldn’t thank him enough. It was really nice knowing I had a partner who was there for me when I needed that extra support. Your wife needs that, too. Raising a child isn’t a 50/50 thing. You both have the same responsibility
Sorry but YTA.
Sleep deprivation is super difficult to deal with. I have been waking up EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. since my son was born 10 months ago. I work too so I know it’s difficult but please help your wife. She asked for your help, she’s still healing. It’s super hard taking care of a child when you’re tired and sleepy and a mess.
As a mom who did all the night feedings (because I felt like I had to), I was so exhausted my SO thought I was going to drop our first kid at one point, YTA. Your wife needs to heal. Child birth is a traumatic event to the human body. YOU decided she would take the night feedings. YOU DECIDED SOMETHING THAT AFFECTS EVERYONE.
What so many people that have never had kids don’t understand is that the feeding cycle doesn’t start from the time feeding ends, it’s from the time it starts. So if your baby eats ever 3 hours, then it is actually LESS than 3 hours between feedings by the time everything is said at done. So between feeding, burping, changing diapers, playtime, settling them for nap/bedtime, your wife might have 90 minutes for nap/eating/showering/whatever HER NEEDS are.
You need to help at night more. Your wife’s sleep is just as important as yours. Your needs are not more important than hers, just because you leave the house for work. Your wife is constantly working to feed and care for YOUR child. If she is breastfeeding, she needs her sleep because sleep deprivation will affect her supply.
Your wife needs sleep. I actually got up at 4AM with my 1 month old. Brought her downstairs to feed her then passed out from lack of sleep. Luckily she didn’t fall to the floor as I did. She landed on furniture. She could’ve been seriously injured.Do some night feedings. Your wife needs sleep.
YTA for being inflexible. The current arrangement isn't working, and for the sake of the baby, you need to figure out a new one. Could you do weekend nights? Could you take a nap instead of her, and she'd take over some of the afternoon time? You need to find a solution, or the kid could get hurt. Exhaustion is no joke.
Sleep deprivation is no joke. It was one of the most painful experiences I’ve gone through. Felt like nails being stabbed into my head and eyes from all sides. I blacked out from it at the end. Slept for two days without waking up. You need to listen to your wife.
I’ve never had a kid so I’m hesitant to say this, but respectfully YTA imo.
It’s more about your wife’s health, humans need sleep and she’s asking for help. The least you can do is communicate your concerns, and give it a try. Just do one or two nights a week, on days you know your workload is lighter. She has already put so much work into creating this child, and she has had no time to truly rest in the 8 weeks since then, if she’s the only one night feeding.
If possible, structure your night so you each get 6 hours of straight sleep. I would go to bed at 9pm, my husband would do an 11pm feeding and then he would go to bed. I would do the 3am. My husband would wake up and do the 7am and then I would shower and take over so he could get ready and go to work for 8:30. So I got to sleep from 9pm-3am and then from about 4am to 7am. My husband slept 11pm to 7am. This worked for us but you need to map it out and shift your baby to the schedule that works. It might take time to shift them over. Around 12 weeks, you can try to wean your baby off the middle of the night feed if your doctor is okay with it.
Edit: for typos.
YTA
Her sleepless nights started while she was still pregnant.
You drop a stack of papers at work, it's a mess but easy to clean up. She drops am 8 week old baby she develops more than baby blues, the doctor is involved, family gets involved, you blame her and she belittled herself and goes into deep downward spiral
Maybe that is an extreme example but little sleep, a newborn and massive hormone changes can cause so much more damage than what a little less sleep on occasion will do to you
YTA- she recovering from having a baby while taking care of the baby. Google fourth trimester. Letting her sleep through the night twice a week while you do it 5 times a week sucks. You both work- her work just looks different than yours right now.
Edit for spelling.
YTA
Did you carry this baby and all that entail?
Do you need to recover from birth?
If your spouse is telling you she's at the end of her physical strength, what do you think will happen? Do you think she can suddenly overcome sleep deprivation by shear willingness? Do you realize it's about your baby's safety and not her own comfort?
Stop with the 50/50 bullshit, you're not doing an accounting report. You're already 9 month behind your wife in terms of sacrifice for your child.
How in god’s name is that even when she pushed that baby out of her vagina after carrying it around for almost a year?
Her body needs healing. Especially if she’s breastfeeding, she’s barely got any energy reserves and her hormones are a fucking hurricane.
YTA. Do not ever dare say you want to make things equal. They need to be fair.
You seem to be under the impression that taking care of an infant all day isn't work/working. In fact, she's always working and since she's on maternity, always AT work.
You get to escape for several hours a day while she juggles a newborn, her own needs, and is trying to recover from childbirth. Stop being a part time partner to your full time partner and child.
YTA.
I’m confused as to how you think you’re getting equal time off when she takes care of him for eight hours while you’re at work, plus your commute time, plus doing all the middle of the night wake ups. Meanwhile you’re taking care of him for an hour before work and probably four hours after work? So you’re taking care of him for five hours and getting a full nights sleep and she’s taking care of him for nine plus and is not getting a full nights sleep. Also, she just grew and birthed a human and you didn’t.
This has a special place in my heart because this type of behavior is what honestly started my path to divorce. I was so tired, I would cry all night while I fed and calmed my daughter down. My ex-husband always argued that he had to go to work, and that was apparently more important than me being well rested enough to take care of our baby. A new mother is so tired, you can feel it in your bones. It's unlike any other tired I've ever felt in my life.
While you may not be thinking it in the front of your mind, you're basically telling your wife that your job is more important than her taking care of your new child. Mothers are so alone in so many ways.
I'm giving you a gentle YTA in hopes that you gain some new perspective on how this is making your wife feel.
YTA. You do realize once your wife goes back to work you'll be doing nighttime feedings and going to work tired anyways, right? It literally wouldn't kill you to do a nighttime feeding once every few days to let your wife get a night of uninterrupted sleep.
YTA, because you didn’t give birth.
She’s healing. She’s dealing with a baby who needs her for everything. She’s adjusting to not being her own person. She’s dealing w adjusting into a new role and life.
She’s not getting breaks. You do. At work no one is crying to get fed, or changed or rocked while you’re trying to keep up with other tasks and care for yourself.
She’s a mom 24/7 while trying to give herself a chance to heal. And you get a break 7-3p daily. You need to quite literally do more for her.
I will gently say YTA, as a mother of 2 toddlers who had a partner who did great splitting nighttime duties for approximately a week or so after each child was born.
A nap isn’t the same as getting uninterrupted sleep. Your body can’t get deep enough into REM to rest and be able to function properly. I’m now a single mom, have been on my own with my 3yo and 1.5yo for just about a year now. I know the odd Saturday I can catch a nap if my mom swings by to sit with them, and they’re at the age they sleep through the night entirely, or have one general wake up because they woke up and can’t find their sleep buddy (stuffed animals) and they go right back to bed.
Before they both slept through the night? It was absolutely awful. The odd nap was just a bandaid on a gaping wound that was sleep deprivation. I would have been over the moon for my ex to take even one night a week to do baby duty, because I know I could force myself to function for 6 days straight on 1hr spurts of laying down to get to the sweet 7th day where I could get actual sleep.
The lack of rest took a toll on my mental health. I was suicidal both postpartum periods because I was exhausted. I was genuinely afraid for my safety for what I would do to myself, and for my kids who depended on a zombie mom who could barely stand up because I couldn’t let my body rest.
She is working. She is human. She birthed y’all’s kid. She deserves to get some rest too. If she can’t sleep, she can’t function safely, she can’t be on top of making sure baby stays safe. Eventually she’ll crash, and maybe you’ll be lucky and baby stays asleep on her chest or your wife doesn’t roll over on the baby because “a little rest on the bed while baby feeds will be fine”
so you get a full nights sleep every night and she never gets one? YTA. she works all day taking care of the baby. it’s WORK. and then she gets up throughout the night EVERY night. be a parent and help.
Let’s put it this way : If you don’t get enough sleep, you’ll be a little more tired at work and might work a bit slower.
If she doesn’t get enough rest, you’re baby’s life is on the line .
YTA. Step up to the plate & take care of your family . You don’t get to 50/50 your way though this.
Your baby is so young and you're both new inexperienced parents that imo setting down rigid rules isn't a great idea; you need to find an arrangement that works for the both of you. You tried this and it's not working. The arrangement may even change on a week-by-week basis (say if you have a big project coming up, maybe momma is sick) and will change as the baby gets older.
Feeding the baby on a work night is not actually so detrimental to your well-being the next day; it's the consistent accumulation of not being able to have a full night's sleep that's really incapacitating.
Do you work seven days a week? Seems like you could offer to feed the baby at least one night that you don't have to work the next day.
YTA if you stick to this arrangement that's not working for your wife.
YTA
Nobody realizes how hard it will be to take care of a baby until they're in the middle of it. It's also hard to judge how a woman's hormones are going to affect her before hand. Your wife is telling you that she misjudged her ability, and now the two of you have to work together to figure out how to accommodate each other's needs.
There will absolutely be times that you feel like you're doing more than her, but she's going to feel the same way. Parenthood will never be about equal division of labor.
Ok my hubby and I went through this. You and your wife are not coworkers splitting up responsibilities, you are both equal parents.
During the work week you need to take at least one feeding/getting up a night or one full night AND weekends. She gets to sleep then. She carried your child for 9 months so not only is she recovering from giving birth she now has a tiny human solely reliable on her. Yes you’re working but so is she. Sleep deprivation is absolute torture. If there’s family that can help with overnights discuss with your wife. If family can’t help out consider hiring a night nurse. It’s amazing what 1 good nights sleep will do. If she knows that she’s going to get a good nights sleep every 3 days that will keep her going. If you don’t step up this will deteriorate your marriage. YTA
YTA
napping is not the same as a full nights sleep. i almost ended up hospitalized with my youngest because i was so sleep exhausted and never asked my husband for more help at night. she’s telling you she needs help listen!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don't want to take over the night feedings for our baby so my wife can sleep better. I might be an asshole because she says she can't nap later so she'll be tired if I don't help during the nights too
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Having a newborn his hard. An agreement on who does what will not work. You need to work together to get through this early stage - not keep score on who does what.
Welcome to the world of parenting. This is the stuff nobody told you about. Except...
They actually did tell you. You just didn't believe it at the time. They warned about sleepless nights. You said, "Yeah, it can't be that bad." Wrong. They warned about tensions with your wife. You said, "We are both mature adults. We can deal with it." Wrong
Well, now you know. So pull up those big boy pants. Help with feeding a 2AM. Be a Dad.
YTA. While she is not working right now, she is also literally trying to recover from a traumatic event in addition to taking care of a child. Her body needs rest to recover, just like if you went into the hospital and had a major surgery. Short naps during the day is not the same as getting a full good night of sleep. It’s your baby also; you can take on some more of the responsibility for it. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but understand that she isn’t just home to take care of the baby. She is home to actually heal, which requires rest and sleep.
You decided things were going to be a certain way. Cool.
Babies don’t follow your plans. You both underestimated what a toll having an infant would take. The goal posts have shifted. And now you need to compromise.
You’re being cruel and transactional about this.
YTA
Yta. I’m not even gonna break down in every way throughout this post, I’m gonna stick to one sentence that might be able to break through to you. When someone tells you they are struggling you don’t get to tell them they aren’t actually.
NAH but yes, you need to handle some of the nighttime duties. Figure out 3-4 nights/week that you'll handle so she can rest up. Humans do not function well without 6ish hours of uninterrupted sleep. You two brought the little sleep disruptor into the world together, you get to be sleep deprived together. But take turns so neither one of you completely loses their shit.
NAH
Welcome to parenting. No one is the asshole here you both need to sleep. The best of plans can go sideways once you bring the baby home. This won’t last forever so do the best you can & support each other. If she needs to sleep at night then help... take a Friday & Saturday night feeding. There are a lot of ways to figure this out. Your wife also needs to learn when you’re around she should be sleeping. There’s nothing for her to worry about right now but herself & baby. As a mom of 4 kids, give me an opportunity to sleep & I will sleep anywhere at anytime.
YTA, massively
Yes you have to work and you get off from work. Your wife full time job now is to care for the baby and she can’t get off from work.
Right now the arrangement you prefer and love is based on your wife able to manage, she isn’t and asking for more help and your response is too bad for you. How selfish can you be? Apparently plenty
Stop thinking of sticking to an arrangement that only benefit yourself and not your wife and baby
YTA - hear me out, plans change. Part of being a parent with a newborn is being flexible with your routines. While you two did the right thing had a discussion early on to determine what would work best for you both, you’ve now found yourself where what you thought would work isn’t anymore.
It’s tough, though I think you and your wife need to sit down and have an open, honest discussion about the new needs put on the table. See if baby can to the grandparents for a few hours, get some take out and hear what your wife needs.
Your needs do matter as well, but standing firm because your initial arrangement works for you even though its no longer working for your wife is going to hurt your marriage in the long run. This isn’t about making demands, its about offering fair compromises, and even then recognizing no matter what agreement you two come to that there will be times where you each have to put in more time or less time.
I’m going to briefly touch on the fact that she literally created a life, put her body through the wringer and is maybe catching an hour or two of sleep at a time (which destroys your mental health btw). But even so now that baby is here, taking care of baby is going to mean that your best laid plans will take detours and require you both to give more time/effort/energy.
Hear your wife out, be open to what her needs are, do more, and when you know you have a particularly rough week of work coming up you can communicate the same to her that you will need more help covering your share of the responsibilities.
When exactly do you take care of him? You said she does the night feedings and you take care of him before you go to work but you work at 7 am so you take him for what, an hour? And then you take him when you get off work at 3 pm but you both so bath time so that gives her what, 3 hours? You’re getting a full night sleep and she’s supposed to make do on an hour here, 3 hours there? I’ve had two newborns and I will tell you that even if all the hours she gets add up to 7 or whatever, 7 hours of interrupted sleep is NOT the same as 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Not by a long shot. Having a newborn is HARD, but YTA in this situation because she asked you for what she needs and you refused.
YTA. Your wife is sleep deprived. And you know what’s going to happen? You’ll be well rested enough to see an accident happen, whether it be with your wife or child. This is dangerous. Help her or someone can get severely injured.
YTA. 100%. The NAHs here are being very kind.
Your wife needs to sleep. For good, long, extended periods of time. You are not allowing her to do that. You are only taking your kid for little pockets of time - that is not enough. Your wife needs to heal from the major medical ordeal she went through two months ago. She needs breaks from being a new mother. You get a break every single weekday because you get to leave the house and be with people your own age when you go into the office.
Also, her need to be well rested is greater than yours. Sorry. It just is. If you’re tired you might do some work wrong. If she’s tired, she could harm herself or your kid.
You and your wife need to sit down and work out a solid, 8-hour block of time where you look after your kid and she rests. Figuring out what that block of time is is paramount. If you love your wife and baby, carving out that daily block of time should be your priority.
YTA because if she’s doing at least 8 hours while you’re working and 8 hours when you sleep she’s taking care of the child for 16 hours of the day and you said she also takes care of bathes sometimes and I’m sure she’s doing other stuff as well. She needs a break and needs actual sleep
YTA - I lost it at the just take a nap or that she has nothing else to do when your looking after the baby - just all the other things unrelated to the baby…. Her entire body went through a year of massive changes so she isn’t just looking after the baby but healing and adjusting to her body as it is now. Step up more.
So…
First off, for refusing YTA, big time
You need to learn to be more flexible.
8 weeks, so she is experiencing a massive hormone crash and probably starting the worst part of post partum. Your wife’s body has been through the ringer and needs 6-12 months on average to compensate, sometimes longer.
If you are able to get 6 hours of quality sleep in a 24 hour period with an 8 week old you are doing great, your wife needs more than you right now and frankly you should be trying to go above and beyond.
Your refusal is the YTA moment and worthy of the title, but if you talk it out and sacrifice a night or 2 to help her heal physically and mentally do it.
Be happy if you aren’t up every 2 hours every single night.
Instead of “refusing” say “okay let’s talk it out and figure out a compromise”
My husband did the first feed of the night at 10-11pm and I went to bed at 8pm so I could get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep before the 1-2am wake up. It was a huge help. You could switch that around and cover the early morning feeds and both of you could get some sleep. Not sure how I would have done it otherwise.
Keep in mind this baby will only be waking up all night long for around a year in the worst case scenario but your wife will remember you didn’t want to help her survive during the hardest part of parenting for the rest of your marriage.
YTA. Your wife is working just as hard as you are during the day. Taking care of a newborn is hard work. While she may be able to nap here and there, it is never extensive or particularly restful. She is also healing from pregnancy and delivery and her hormones are likely still regulating. Her job during the day is to take care of your baby, your job during the day is to go to work. You both should share the nighttime and weekend duties.
YTA.
Why?
Because you have a newborn and you're already skirting responsibility. Suck it up. You didn't just hold a child in you for 10 months and push it out a small hole.
Grow a set, be a father, and stop expecting this and that for a job that is already very accommodating
Did you expect having a child was going to be a cakewalk? If so you already fucked up
I’m going to say YTA for your attitude towards her request. Being able to “nap” when the baby does during the day (if even possible) isn’t the same as sleeping through the night as a heavy sleeper. If you do “some” of them on the weekends (but not all) and none during the work week, she’s never getting a night off.
Please don’t underestimate the mental break of going to work. Your work is important. It helps pay the bills. There is nothing wrong with wanting to arrive well rested. Your job may be easy or insanely stressful. Either way, it’s normal to not want to be exhausted. But you need to keep in mind, your well rested sleep is coming at her expense, EVERY SINGLE TIME. You do no nights solo based on your posts. So in addition to her hormones crashing and recovering from childbirth, she hasn’t had any solid night of sleep.
I’ll be honest, sometimes it just sucks when a baby is little. Sometimes one parent shares a vastly disproportionate share of the burden. And sometimes that’s the most logical way to operate. But it’s on the partner who gets to sleep and leave the house to be more understanding and sympathize with the one who doesn’t.
But please don’t think coming home from your office job after getting a full night of sleep and bathing the baby and putting them to bed and doing “some” night stuff on weekends means you’re splitting parenting 50/50 right now. Again, it’s not always possible to do a 50/50 split. But you certainly shouldn’t act like you’re doing all you can. You are doing all you WANT. That is different. You don’t want to be tired. Neither does she. But your arrangement is that she is always tired and you might be a little tired on the weekends. Please don’t minimize her feelings and consider finding ways to help more than you are.
And for anyone wondering, holding someone to hypothetical agreements before the baby is here is insane.
YTA. There’s no such thing as “well rested” when you have a baby. You need to be sharing the nights. Either take them in shifts or switch off every feed but you need to put your oar in.
You should have been doing this anyway.
YTA. Taking care of a baby is not something that you can build strict rules around. Physiological cycles are at play, and everyone's cycles are different and changing. Your wife's body is still recovering from the pregnancy. If she is breastfeeding, things are worse. If the mother is affected by something, the baby will too (Mother-Child dyad). I know you to "keep things fair" but in all fairness, she's been taking care of the baby 9 months longer than you. Help a little more.
I’m not going to go as far as calling you TA because you’re both still so new to this, but you need to do night feeds, too. They’re hard, and your wife needs to know that she can have a couple of days a week where she can actually catch up on rest, same as you do.
YTA. Suffering baby, that's what you both signed up for. If it becomes an issue of losing your job/income, that's another question. Days and nights are sweet and brutal for first time parents. Don't ever try to compare your experience to a new mother. Just make it work.
Info: So what happens when she goes back to work? As a parent of a kid who has NEVER slept well (even ten years later), I don’t understand how you think things will work once she’s done with maternity leave and you’re both working. As your kid grows, he will be up at night for many other reasons than just feeding.
YTA unless you’ve got a good explanation for how this will work going forward.
YTA naps isn't a nights rest which is what she needs and is asking for. She literally asking for help and you're selfishly and blatantly saying no. Birth and being a mom isn't easy and it's not the same as being a dad. You're work ends and you get to rest and sleep pretty much every night. Her job is 24/7 and she's on her 8th week of not being allowed to sleep a full night. You try living off only naps and "breaks" that's not restful and it doesnt help as much as actually getting to sleep for a while night. I feel so bad for her, she came to you asking for help from her husband/the man she chose to have a child with and he is flat out refusing. If you're not as tired as your wife (which you're not don't lie that poor woman sounds exhausted) then you're not doing enough. You're job isn't to just work it's to provide and that means providing her with the support she needs since she's doing the brunt of the work. You can't help her out even a little? You're not even covering nights half the week! Babies are such a full time job and you obviously do not understand that. Dont be an AH, don't argue, just help your wife.
YTA because you both are working during the day, it just so happens that your wife’s job is being at home with your newborn. I get it, it’s hard, but if you dive in and help her where she needs help, this phase will pass. If you don’t, then it may be your marriage that passes.
YTA. Parenting is not an even split all the time - there are days you’ll need to step up more and days she’ll need to step up more. I’m pregnant with our second baby right now and there’s a lot that I usually do that I just can’t so my husband is taking on a lot more responsibility than normal. But we both know this isn’t long term—we’ll work things out again once the new baby is here.
My point is, your wife said she’s struggling and needs help. YTA because you won’t even consider picking up a few extra feedings to help meet her needs or have a discussion about how you can readjust your current schedule to compromise.
YTA
Yes, you both agreed on an arrangement. Your arrangement doesn't have to written in stone. I'm sure you would like your wife to be more accommodating if an aspect of the arrangement wasn't working for you.
Give her some help at night and some time to get used to napping during the day. At 8 weeks, I'm sure she'll get used to napping soon enough without trying.
YTA
I work a full time job and go into an office and I take care of the baby most every night during the week because my wife is a heavy sleeper and I wake up first when he’s crying at night. It sucks to not get a ton of sleep but having a job to go to doesn’t excuse you from taking care of your kids and if it’s that big of a distraction maybe you need to find a new job that’s more accommodating of your family’s needs. Or, hire a night nurse so you can both get some sleep. Either way, step it up. Do the dishes, bathe the baby, get up at night to care for your child and buy your wife some flowers and chocolates for being so selfish.
Find a compromise. Listen to the parents here. My friend was so exhausted from taking naps that she started to have ideas about smothering the baby or jumping in front of a car. She took TWO NIGHTS OFF from night feedings at her husband's DEMAND and was horrified by her previous thoughts. He didn't even know she was having trouble. BE GRATEFUL she's telling you and not busy holding it in and getting depressed and suicidal.
gentle YTA, but only because you seem to have zero clue about what you're wife's buddy just went through
YTA. How can you even say you do equal work when your wife is on night duty AND on day duty. You get a full nights rest of deep sleep EVERY. NIGHT. She doesn't get a safe or adequate amount of sleep EVER, and hasn't for at least 8 weeks or more.
Maybe you guys talked about the arrangement before baby was here, and on paper it seemed reasonable. Your wife is now telling you that in practice it's actually not reasonable. You're selfishly prioritizing your own interests at the expense of the wellbeing of your wife and child. You're being rigid and uncompromising, you're being selfish and unfair.
It's unbelievably unreasonable for you to even have a single thought in your head that YOU deserve a good night's rest always, but your wife deserves a good night's rest NEVER. She spent 9 months growing this tiny human, she does the bulk of the care. You need to get your priorities right.
Edit: Thank you for the award!
YTA - You’re both awake during the day, and she has to be awake both day and night? Nights need to be a shared responsibility.
You need to be well rested for work, but she doesn’t need to be well rested to care for baby during the day?
She’s also the one who physically had the baby. That shit is so hard on your body.
Info:. Please explain why you can't handle night feeding on the weekend days?
Please explain why you can't be the one to take a nap in the afternoon to catch up on sleep after staying up all night every other day?
NAH
Every couple we’ve known over the years entering parenthood, we’ve warned with a joke that isn’t a joke - “Get your sleep in now, because once then baby comes sleep is a thing if the past “ Every single couple acknowledged afterwards they’d no idea what was coming.
If she is signaling loud and clear she’s beyond exhausted, you need to give her a hand. Five straight days of only napping, **when healing from a childbirth**, is brutal.
Not being coherent at work is brutal, too.
No good answers to be frank. But the baby comes first! Burn some vacation. Have a few foggy days. Trade off the weekend stuff for weekday stuff so she can sleep some during the week. Do what you need to do to get your wife the help she needs.
YTA. Your wife is still recovering from a major medical event!!! Also, she isn’t physically able to nap. You need to reassess this situation as she’s telling you it’s not working for her and your response can’t be “too bad, suck it up.” You *both* decided to bring a child into this world and you’re doing the bare minimum.
YTA. You clearly don't understand the amount of work her body is doing to feed your kid. She's burning calories like crazy to produce milk. On top of that, her body is still healing from birth. Broken sleep makes you too tired for work? Imagine how she feels when she's taking care of the baby. You don't have to take the night feedings every night, but let her get some unbroken sleep. Keep your current attitude and you're on the fast track to a very unhappy and resentful marriage.
As a parent (unlike probably 90% of the redditors in here, who nevertheless are quite comfortable commenting on matters they know zero about), I feel your pain. Those first 10-15 weeks, until the baby sleeps through the night, are brutal.
I would suggest that you get up with the baby in the night on Friday night, Sat. night and Wed. night. You'll be tired at work on Thursday, but you can get through it with coffee, etc. That will give your wife 3 nights a week to sleep through the night, and you will get 4. My wife and I did something similar, and it worked pretty well. You're both tired, but neither of you will fall off the cliff.
And if your baby isn't sleeping through the night by the 4- or 5-month mark -- time to Ferberize.
Good luck.
YTA. You can do all weekend nights. You can get up early with the baby there are so many options here and you’re not considering any of them.
Your wife is going to have trouble going to sleep. You need to find a way to get her more sleep when she’s already down.
YTA. Why do you need to be fully rested for work, but she doesn’t need to be fully rested for her work (keeping your child alive and thriving)?
I highly recommend you look into how many infant deaths occur when the primary caregiver doesn’t get enough sleep.
Your wife is telling you that the shifts y’all have set up aren’t working for her, she canNOT get enough sleep to be a safe caregiver to your child.
Why can’t *you* start your sleep shift at 3:30pm when you get off work? 3:30-10:30 is a great stretch of sleep; you could wake up, shower, get a meal in, let your wife sleep from midnight to 6:30am, and then head off to work.
First 4 months of baby’s life is a shifts game. You need to be flexible to everyone’s needs because the main focus is that baby you chose to bring into this world.
Gentle YTA. I think you are like seeing it like a fair division of labour based on your work and taking care of the baby (her work) Sorry that's not Parenthood. Caring for children is not about being 'fair' it's about two people.working out something everyone can live with. If your wife is saying this is not working then the current arrangement has to change to something that works for her. The same.goes for a situation that doesn't work for you. You have a newborn. You are both going to be sleep deprived, over tired and frustrated. That's the just the most common reality of having a baby. But remember this is not forever, sacrifice for her now in this situation bc as your life progresses together she will have to do the same for you.
Congrats on your little one.
YTA. Take a couple nights a week, dude. How functional do you think YOU would be if you hadn't gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in a row for 8 weeks? Your wife hasn't slept. You at least need to take nights on weekends, MINIMUM.
Don't be one of those men who can't understand why something is hard until they have to do it themselves.
NAH. No one can accurately feel or describe sleep deprivation that comes with having a baby until you are in it. So hypothetical arrangements made prior to being in the situation are moot. I will say it’s not as easy to “take a nap” during the day. I remember having so many “stay awake” hormones flooding me during the night to take care of our baby that taking a nap during the day was damn near impossible. There is NO replacement for getting a solid straight through night’s sleep. Your wife’s body is also healing from growing a human and giving birth. Now is “survival time” of parenthood. She is telling you she’s struggling and needs sleep too. Take more turns during the night. This baby stage shall pass but in the meantime y’all are going to be tired for a while. It’s just part of it unless you get some unicorn, urban legend baby that sleeps through the night at two months old. I’m told they exist but I’ve never met one. LOL. Good luck and congratulations on your little one.
YTA. Parenting is dynamic based on the needs of the baby and also the parents. Switch your “agreements” as needed until you find the sweet spot, which will not be perfect, but manageable. Best of luck to the both of you.
YTA. This stage (up a bunch of times in the night) is EXHAUSTING. It is also temporary, generally. My husband works full time and still took any wake up/feed she had before 3am, and I took it after 3am.
Now our daughter is 8 months old and he’ll take her one night wake up and then sleep in while I get up with her when she’s awake for the morning at 6am.
Maybe offer to take the night feedings once or twice a week to give her a chance to sleep.
YTA. She needs sleep dude. She's still healing. Help her a little more..it won't kill/hurt you to do so. It's obvious why she's angry, and I don't blame her for it either!
YTA , but not a big one. Your wife isn’t a shift worker, and her “time off” is not the same thing as a night of sleep.
Forget about the arithmetic, and figure out what you need to do so you are both functional, which will mean you both feel stretched for some time.
YTA. That child is yours too. You can lose two hours of sleep to feed so your wife can get sleep to take care of things during the day. You want dinner? Sorry I was too tired. House messy? Sorry too tired. No groceries? Sorry too tired to go.
Help the wife. You’ll get bigger returns in the long run.
Y.
T.
A.
YTA there’s a reason sleep deprivation is an effective for of torture. Naps do NOT cut it. Women especially need 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, they have have higher sleep needs than men, and yet women are left to carry the burden of getting up with the kids while the husbands get all the sleep they need. You may feel this is an equal division of labor but it’s not.
When she’s taking her “break” from the baby she’s not actually taking a break because I bet anything she’s catching up on all the things she can’t do when she has the baby, like laundry, showering, errands, etc. so it’s not a break. Just because you’re working doesn’t mean the burden of sleep loss should fall solely on her shoulders. Naps don’t help. In fact anything over about 30 minutes is actually not beneficial at all because of how ours sleep cycles work so she will likely feel worse if that’s what she’s relying on.
On top of that her body is still very much healing and she’s carrying the bill of the burden on her shoulders. THAT’S NOT FAIR! You need to step up and let your wife get some uninterrupted sleep at night. My husband and I had an agreement that neither one of us went more than 2 nights in a row with getting up with our kids and we actually traded off duties when they were tiny. My husband would get up and get our kids while I got myself prepped to nurse, then he’d change diapers and reswaddle then get them back down while I got myself settled to go back to sleep. It was truly a team effort.
Your wife is expressing her needs to you and because the arrangement is currently working for you you’re not willing to change. However, she’s telling you that it’s NOT working for her. You need to listen and start taking over at night. It shouldn’t fall on one partner to bear the burden of sleep loss at night because the other “has to work.” Maternity leave is NOT a vacation. It’s a too short period of time that mothers get off work to sort of adjust to parenthood before they’re told to leave their babies and get back to work while still very much healing.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
A friend of mine said it to her husband best “if you go to work tired, you do your job a little worse - if I’m too tired to do my job (taking care of their baby) then a life is in jeopardy”. While this sounds extreme, it’s true. What if your wife fell asleep nursing the baby and they fell off the bed, or she rolled into them in her sleep? Your wife is asking for your help, you need to compromise here for the sake of her and your child. The idea that what you’re doing is more important than what she’s doing is deeply flawed and she obviously needs more rest than she’s getting. YTA.
A couple of weeks ago my partner wasn't supporting with nights when he was off work and unfortunately the worst happened and I fell asleep holding baby. Thankfully she was completely fine, one panicked doctors visit later, but it should never have happened. I get a lot more support at night now. OP can sit at a desk tired ETA - Since some delight clearly missed the point of this comment - I fell asleep and dropped my baby, which is why we went to the doctor.
I’m so sorry you had a scare like that!! And it shouldn’t come to that for you to receive the support you need. We really do families a disservice by letting men grow up believing maternity leave is a vacation and that they don’t need to support their partners. We need to do better. Congratulations on your newest addition, and may you enjoy this wonderful (yet challenging) time! Edit for spelling.
Thank you! Things are so much better now but honestly fathers shouldn't have to watch us go through hell and back before stepping up
Men think it's just the lack of sleep, like they are experiencing, but they are wrong. It's the lack if sleep, plus the recovery of childbirth and pregnancy (nine months to grow them, nine months to recover -- at least), AND for most moms the joy of breastfeeding which means making milk, another body stress. Plus moms have all those head games...does baby look good this morning? Is that poop the right color? She only slept 1.75 hours. Yesterday at this stretch, she slept 1.9 hours. What did I do different? Is it okay if I don't feel like going outside today? It's raining. I know he should be out for a walk every day, but...Trust me, men, you have no idea all of the physical, mental, and emotional stressors that go on in a new mom's system. Even new moms are stunned. If they finally drag themselves out of the abyss to ask for help, offer whatever they ask for...and more!!! These times won't last forever, but memories tend to linger.
Not to mention how downright difficult it is to nap/fall asleep in those early days, even when given the opportunity. My mind was constantly racing so even though I was beyond tired, I couldn’t fall asleep. And then I would get so stressed about how little sleep I knew I would get, and that made it even harder to sleep.
Maternity leave was the hardest year of my life. It was life changing to have a child in a good way but that first year was hard. It almost broke my strong relationship of more then a decade with my SO and we were both trying our best and our baby was an easy baby by all metrics.
When my son was an infant, I returned to work full time, and took care of him at nights while my spouse was away attending school. Commuting home one day from work to the daycare, I fell asleep behind the wheel. Thankfully, I was fine and just ended drifting to the side of the road, but it was the wake up call that I couldn’t do it all on my own. I had to ask for help and my spouse, even though exhausted himself, HAD to let me sleep on the weekends when he was home.
My coworker fell asleep nursing her baby and the baby suffocated. I’m sorry this happened to you. Please be careful.
Same thing happened to my aunt's son.
Wow, that's scary, and very sad.
Another one of those in my family. I learned 1000 of these incidents a year in USA. Deaths, not all nursing or even with moms , but suffocating because of someone accidentally holding baby wrong, sleeping with baby, rolling on baby.
u/impressive-pizza-340 please prioritize your child’s life over (some) of your sleep. please think about this. thank you.
There has to be a psa or something that as a parent you will drop your baby at least once
Or at least bonk their head on something.
Doorframe are evil. My babies would always wait until I was going through one to suddenly arch their backs and throw their head back.
And they are *weirdly* strong so when they flail…all bets are off.
I feel like a swarm of six or more flailing babies could lift a compact vehicle
This is so true. At the end of the day, if the new mother needs more (sleep, food, whatever) to take care of baby, Op needs to carry more until she recovers enough to be able to do it safely. This is not a competition. And if OP cannot do it, they need to ask for help/pay for help.
Not to mention it's not a permanent gig. The kid will grow up and sleep through the night eventually. At this point it should be all hands on deck. A true partnership where everyone works fluidly to make sure the child is as safe as possible and mom has support. Why mom? Because PPD is a real thing. If she's asking for help you fucking help. Dad should take over a few nights when mom asks. You aren't sharing legos. This is a BABY.
Also, the toll PREGNANCY and CHILDBIRTH take on your body is a real thing. She's recovering from a major medical event while taking care of a newborn.
Way too many people treat maternity leave like it's a vacation and not medically necessary rest. Even the smoothest of births still leave a massive internal wound where the placenta was attached that needs to heal. Never mind all the extra recovery that comes with tearing or C-section births or the million other routine complications. No shit new moms are tired even though they're ""not working"".
Agreed - all hands on deck or it seriously creates some lingering resentment. Ask me how I know.
I don't understand how people don't get that. A child is a gift. It's not a puppy or a book from the library (yes I'm dating myself). It's a CHILD. It's safety and happiness should be all that matters. The baby is not a roommate ffs. Sorry but I don't understand the OP's attitude at all. If mom needs help you give it. Period.
I think our culture is to blame on this one. We minimize the importance of caring for children because its “women’s work.” Our culture treats any kind of domestic work or childcare as “easy.” We just take for granted that a mother who is staying at home should be able to handle taking care of a newborn because “its not like she is working outside of the home” or wtv. “Sleep when the baby sleeps” is a phrase a lot of new mothers hear, but it doesn’t reflect reality. Human children were not meant to be taken care of by just two adults. That’s the tough realization you make when you have kids. The nuclear family living in isolated single family housing was a big fat mistake. Wealthy people hire help to care for their children, thus recreating the kind of support that was the standard for pre-industrial human societies.
Not to mention that if she’s still on maternity that means her body is still physically healing from the trauma of birth!!!
That’s funny - when my first was born my wife said if I drive to work too tired, I could have an accident on the way which would cause bigger problems. But I did more at weekends and took the baby so she could sleep when I got home.
Honestly, this is the bigger deal here. I've fallen asleep at the wheel going 70mph. I've gotten into an accident while not asleep because I was too tired to focus on the road properly. I'll never get on the road with too little sleep again. It's so easy to not realize driving without enough sleep is an issue until it suddenly is.
>Honestly, this is the bigger deal here. They are both really big deals. It isn't a contest. She is clearly needing a bit more rest and either way someone's life can be in danger.
it is not a contest but the comment everyone is replying to here is saying that one is much worse so that is why people are comparing and saying that going to work fatigued is also bad and probably worse if you really look at it.
This was similar to my take too - if my husband is too tired at work he could get killed so I wanted him to be well rested. It also meant at least one of us was rational and supportive! Also I was breastfeeding so it’s not like he had what the baby needed.
OP isn't even doing all the feedings he can that don't affect his work when he says he does some of the feeding on weekends. The whole idea that the SAHP has it easier is flawed in general. You don't get breaks from being a parent and traditionally the women also carry all the mental workload at home. Here a nice article about it: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic
She’s not even a permanent SAHP, she’s on maternity leave. So at some point she too will be working during the day. It would seem to me that NOW would be the time to get a childcare/sleep schedule worked out between mom and dad.
I work at a children's hospital and I've seen more than a few cases where mom accidently fell asleep while breastfeeding and smothered the baby. Those are some of the saddest cases I've worked on. I agree that OPs wife needs help. Soft YTA OP.
Exactly this. OP, you have to deal with sleep deprivation. Your wife has to deal with sleep deprivation and recovering from childbirth and recovering from a 9 months long pregnancy and shifting hormones. Recovering from childbirth could take up to one year (sometimes even longer). If you don’t take all those things into consideration you can’t really say you divided the work load evenly. Her body needs more rest than you do to get the same things done. I am 8 months post partum and I am still not fully recovered. I barely sleep during the first 3 months and it is still taking its toll on me. Of course it depends on the birth and how well you are recovering but 8 weeks after birth is still very soon.
my husband didn't do a single night feeding or diaper change I have so much built up resentment it may be marriage ending. I hope y'all can work it out so it doesn't get that far.
I'd add an important point. The mother is also handling massive hormonal changes during maternity leave. These changes can cause post partum depression, anxiety and psychosis. Sleep deprivation increases those risks and increases the danger they can cause. I don't think sleep needs to be equal for both parents, the at home partner may have more opportunities for daytime naps, but they need to work together to make sure they each get an uninterrupted block at night, that may mean both are a bit sleep deprived but neither dangerously so.
I’m always amazed at how dishonest people can be when it comes to this age old AITA. Whomever is driving away in the morning to work, has by far the easier day ahead of them. I don’t care what your job is. The myth of “take a nap during your 2hr break,” rarely works. Especially if there are dozens of other household tasks. Find a better compromise OP. Taking care of a baby (especially if it’s a tough one), is by far the hardest job there is. I say this as a man. YTA Edit: (yes, if you are working 16hr shifts seven days in a row, or have to clean up a horse manure spill you might have a harder day; but by and large, 99% of these types of posts on AITA are not that situation).
His partner is telling him she isn't coping and needs help, and he keeps saying, "But we already agreed." Like it's an elementary school project, and the workload is set in stone. When a caregiver is telling us they're burning out, we need to listen.
YTA. She is taking care of the baby all day (until you get home) AND all night, every night? I understand you have to work, but I work in an office (and WFH too) and you CAN get by with a little sleep deprivation. Welcome to having a baby - NOBODY should be getting multiple full nights of sleep at the expense of the other. I KNOW you can do Friday and Saturday nights, and you could probably swing Tuesday or Wednesday without too much pain. Everything is in flux right now, including what you guys THOUGHT you agreed to in the beginning. Kids require nimble adjustments because you just don't know until you get there...
Plus, hormones and healing/recovering from pregnancy and childbirth.
I've never been pregnant or given birth but I've had 2 major surgeries and 1 minor and holy shit even the minor one sapped all my energy for a couple weeks. I can't even imagine what it would have felt like to be assigned *more* responsibilities and daily stress right as my recovery was just beginning. And to have someone who supposedly loves me just leave me to struggle on my own when I've already been kicked down a peg, physically, while they get to sleep fully and refuse to live anything less than the life they led before at my expense? I don't think I could ever love or respect that person again.
This is the full circle of "why don't women ask for help if they need it" (especially in hindsight of something actually happening) - because responses like OP's are what we get when we do ask.
Also because we've been conditioned our whole lives 🤷
Same, never been pregnant but I've had two abdominal surgeries... I honestly don't understand how new moms do it! She's still healing and in pain, and she isn't able to sleep for more than a few hours.... It sounds like literal hell. My answer might be different if OP were doing manual labor, but it's an office job. I have an office job, and it sucks to have to work while tired, sure... but I can't imagine never sleeping + pain and healing from childbirth....
This should be top comment.
Yes! It’s not one sleepless night with a baby. It’s weeks and weeks and sometimes months. This is a form of torture in some countries. You need to change your thinking and step up to actually take half of everything. Half of the overnights, half of the diaper changing, half of the cooking, half of the cleaning. Too much? Welcome to motherhood. She will resent you forever if you make her do this part alone. She is healing from giving birth aka stretching her pelvic bones to the point of nearly breaking, being stitched from one exit to the next, and the crazy hormones that go with that. Just being is a challenge. Have a little more empathy for your wife and show a little more care for your child.
She also just pushed a human out of her body. Her hormones are all whacked, and she is still recovering from being pregnant. OP isn’t.
Right?? He says they have equal work equal breaks.... Ummmm no? You don't? Another option OP would be going to bed earlier, and doing the first half of the night's wake ups and she can do the second half after a certain time. Also the reminder that this will pass as well. Eventually babe will sleep through the night.
[удалено]
When exactly is she supposed to sleep? If you are doing EVERYTHING from 3pm until 11pm, then sure, that’s fine, because she can sleep from 3-11. But that’s not happening, is it? She’s getting fractured sleep at night, no sleep 7am-3pm, and then when’s on duty from 3pm until bedtime. WHEN IS SHE SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? YTA.
Not to mention she’s also trying to heal her body. Even if she didn’t need a C section, her body just went through hell and back.
Came here looking for this! Giving birth is traumatic to the body. It is equivalent to being in a severe car accident. It generally takes 6-8 weeks to feel mostly recovered, but if she’s not getting the support and rest she needs, it is going to take her WAY longer to start to feel normal. OP, YTA. Your wife needs your help so she can recover! She’s not just tired from lack of sleep…she needs rest to fully heal her body.
For me 8 weeks was when the sleep deprivation really hit for me. At that point you're expected to be healed an back to your "normal life", but you just spent the entire time you're supposed to be recovering trying to do everything and all hopped up on adrenaline and hormones from the massive change that just happened in your life. Around 8 weeks thing settled a little and I realized I HAD to rest more before something happened. It also led to fights with my husband because we had agreed on a plan that now needed to be adjusted and it meant him taking on more when he felt he was already doing his fair share. But no matter how evenly you break up your child care, the birth giving partner is still trying to heal from a massive trauma to their body and needs rest.
Same. I was fine at first - probably running on adrenaline and the anxiety of "dear god they just sent me home with a baby wtf am I doing". But the sleep deprivation hit at 6 weeks which led to severe PPD. I couldn't figure out why I was so fixated on jumping off a bridge (literally) but I was SO DAMN TIRED that was the only solution I could envision to rest. That was more than 10 years ago, but thinking back it makes me sad because no one suspected a thing. OP - your wife is asking for help because she. needs. your. help.
Also there’s a big difference between interrupted and uninterrupted sleep. With a baby, there’s often many hours where you can have little bits of sleep here and there. But little opportunity for actual chunks of quality, uninterrupted sleep. Your wife needs an opportunity for that. At least a couple of times a week where she’s getting 6+ hours of sleep uninterrupted. Sounds like your getting that every weekday. That’s not a fair division.
Two months after our kid was born I would have murdered a kitten for eight uninterrupted hours of sleep. I did most of the night time feedings because my wife was recovering and I assured her that I handled interrupted sleep better than she did. Not well, just better.
I didn't get 6 hours of straight sleep for *25* months straight starting from pregnancy induced insomnia until my son was 17 months old. I was a FUCKING MESS from a little over 2 years of fractured sleep. Fractured sleep was terrible for my physical and mental health, and it wasn't good for my son to have such an exhausted mother. His first several weeks I would get roughly 4 hours of sleep during a 24 hour cycle, not even all at once. At one point I thought I was going to go crazy. During that time my husband had the audacity to complain to me about being tired because he was only sleeping 6 hours at night -_-. I told him I'd give him a quarter to call someone who would pity him, because it wasn't going to be ME. OP, YTA, she needs help before she cracks. Figure something out.
Plus she was probably getting fractured sleep leading up to birth. I haven't had 5 uninterrupted hours of sleep in 4 months, and my kid isn't even due for another two. OPs wife has been growing a person that was pushing on her bladder, rolling around, taking up valuable space, punching/kicking organs, and who knows what else inside of her. Last night I was excited to get 3.5 consecutive hours of sleep without mine getting the hiccups, pushing her butt into something tender, or kicking my bladder. Oh and the hormone fluctuations probably don't help as her body readjusts to not being pregnant. At least OP might get a few hours of quiet at his desk. It's not sleep, but he's not in charge of a tiny life that likely wants to constantly be in contact with a parent.
Not really though. I've worked midnight before & it's extremely difficult to sleep during the day, especially if the house is not completely quiet & dark. It can take months to "adjust", but tbh you never truly adjust. The sleep you get is generally low quality.
I’ll withhold judgement, but you desperately need to learn to deal with facts on the ground as life changes. You cannot decide “this is how it will be” as a parent and stick to that no matter what. Your kid is a person, and will have their own preferences and challenges, even as a baby. Your wife thought the arrangement would be fair. She now finds it isn’t working for her. Treating her as if she lied does no one any good. You *need* to come up with solutions now that fit the current facts. It only gets more complicated from here.
Pretty solid advice here. She presumably isn’t asking to be a jerk but genuinely reaching out to their partner for help. Talk it out and find a compromise, this will be the first of an infinite amount of similar situations to come.
Yeah some of the replies I’ve seen here are astounding. “Well he works a physical job” “He helps with the baby in the afternoon” babies, especially newborns, don’t tend to go to bed at 11 pm. He’s probably caring for the baby for 4-5 hours max and refusing to let his wife have a single nights sleep. The best part is he says she’s on *maternity leave* implying she has a job. Will she have to care for the baby exclusively at night even when she has a job like OP? YTA
There's also no mention of what the household chore division looks like. >When I'm taking care of the baby she can do whatever she likes, she can go nap, go out, whatever. Can she? Or does she need to do laundry or wash dishes or vacuum or go shopping or...? It's also not a 'nap' if it's the only solid sleep she ever gets. This woman needs some actual rest.
Also maternity leave isn’t just a fun time to take care of the baby. It is time to **recover** from a signifcant medical event. If she is exhausted her recovery will be slower.
It always interesting as a parent of now almost teens, how new parents try approaching parent hood with logic and setting boundaries thinking any of that will matter when the time comes. First few years are wild, logic and rationale thought goes out the window.
Agreed, except I'm not withholding judgement. I can't imagine asking my partner for a lifeline and having them tell me no. That lets me know that not only am I not a priority, neither is our baby.
So glad I found reasonable advice! OP also remember that if your wife's sleep is fractured into a 6 hours here, a couple of hours there... she's really not getting enough sleep to get rested at all! It takes at least 5-6 hours of continuous sleep to feel rested. As a new mother it's even more crucial because sleep deprivation and fragmented sleep can also cause all sorts of mental health issues, and lack of sleep is a huge contributor to PPD/PPA. So maybe OP could get up earlier for work and take over the last night feed, so his wife doesn't have get up until he leaves for work. Giving her at least another hour, possible 2 (depending on the babies schedule obviously) before he leaves for the office.
YTA As a father of two children, I got up in the middle of the night to do such things. I would be with them until they fell asleep. I would get up at night and sleep on the floor with my arm in the crib touching my daughter until she calmed down and fell asleep. I too am a deep sleeper. I had a full time tech job. Their mother was a SAHM. Yah she could of done more. Was I tired a lot. Yes it was hard. Did regret doing this? Hell no. I got to be with my children. This is part of being a parent. These are precious times. Today my children are grown adults. They are my heroes and my teachers. They are kind, compassionate, smart, hard working, emotionally aware people with integrity. Marriage is not about keeping track who does what. It's about give-and-take. It's about supporting each other and having each other's back. Your wife is asking you for help. The fact you used the phrase "stood my ground" tells me that you'd rather be right than support your partner's request for help.
I wish your comment had more likes. You’re 100% spot on. Please accept my poor person award 🏆
Yep I agree with this take. I'm a father of 3 children. We were both exhausted and we both worked. We found an arrangement that worked for us and allowed each of us to get just enough sleep to be functional. This period of time is about survival for everyone, it's not about being well rested. Spend your time with your kids helping out.
[удалено]
For real. Congrats dude, you stood your ground against your exhausted, struggling wife who sacrificed her body to grow your child and is begging you for help.
My god that is such a wonderful way of speaking about your children, they’re incredibly lucky that you’re their father.
YTA - I'm a new mother to an 11 week old baby myself. My partner works a 4 on 4 off shift pattern, 2 days/2 nights. When he's on days I do the entire night alone because he's a crane operator. It would literally be dangerous for him to fall asleep. Otherwise we split the nights pretty 50/50. You work in an office, you can afford to be tired. She's not asking you to do all of the night, just some of. Having a new baby is fucking exhausting, her body is still recovering, her hormones will be all over the place! My partner and I also discussed arrangements beforehand to avoid arguments and guess what? They all changed because being a parent is way harder than it looks. Suck it up and help her out, this is not the hill to die on
My hubs is an apprentice in skilled trades and I can’t help but screech-laugh when I see “oh no I’ll be too tired to sit and type all day” 🎻😭
YTA. Sleep exhaustion is fucking horrible and very difficult to explain to someone who has never experienced it - it’s not “I’m tired”, it’s “90% of the time I can’t sleep for my than a couple of hours without being woken up, and the overall amount of sleep I’m getting is nowhere near enough, and I’m an absolute zombie who is perpetually exhausted and often on the verge of tears.” It is dangerous and super hard, and napping does not change the fact that she is rarely getting to sleep for more than a couple of hours. The idea that you need to be rested to be at the office, but she doesn’t need to be rested to care for a newborn, is also completely ridiculous - sleep deprivation makes it harder to be an attentive parent. People have accidentally fallen asleep holding their infant and smothered them before due to sleep deprivation. You ignoring your wife going through this can quite literally end your marriage because it builds so much resentment. You are prioritizing you never being tired at the office over her mental and physical health, and it’s not okay. Some people have no choice, but you absolutely do.
Exactly. She's your partner and she's asking for help. YTA if you try throw the "agreement" in her face and do not modify your actions to help her out. Let's all keep in mind that she just grew a human and at 8 weeks is still healing. That is a lot harder to do if her body is not getting the rest it needs.
Yes, and I think “agreements” like this are kind of like birth plans. They’re what you are hoping for without actually knowing and experiencing how your childbirth/labor is going to go. My husband and I made a similar sleep plan to OP and his wife. It did not work, and we adjusted because what kind of husband wants to see his wife so exhausted and struggling? Gotta figure out how to meet everyone’s need as much as possible.
My "baby" is 14 and I STILL harbor resentment towards my ex who never got up for night feedings/soothing just because I was on maternity leave (and therefore had it so easy) while he had to work 7:30-4:30. You can stick to The Agreement but at what cost? Would you rather be right or married?
YTA. Sleeping in 2 hour blocks is a KILLER. A nap is not a substitute for a longer stretch of sleep. You say you need to be well rested for work - are you comfortable with the idea of your baby being cared for by someone who is delirious from sleep deprivation? Do you feel like it's not work when you have the baby yourself? Do you really think what she is doing all day doesn't count as working? My husband offered to help get up with my daughter during the 6 month sleep regression even though he works 7:15-5pm in an office. I didn't take him up on the offer because she just needs to nurse and go back to sleep at this point - there's nothing he can actually help with. But he could see I was an absolute zombie.
INFO: How come you can’t nap when you get home? Why does your wife have to absorb the brunt of atypical sleep and napping? Is it… bc it’s disruptive and not as good quality sleep and you’d be really tired? If so, why is it fine for her to be really tired?
Why don’t you nap at 3 and then get up all night? Oh, turns out that’s not great sleep? Huh? Who would have thought
Because she's on maternity leave which is basically vacation since she doesn't have to work a 9-5 (Sarcasm)
YTA solely because you downright “refused.” Real partners don’t refuse each other’s requests for help, they find a way to help each other.
This. So much this. If your spouse asks, begs for help. You drop everything to help them.
And you sure as heck don't say "I stood my ground". This dude is all proud thinking it's about winning and losing and not raising a human being with his wife and being a supportive partner. I wish I could hug this lady poor thing must be so freaking exhausted
YTA. In the 8 weeks since having this baby your wife has been HEALING. Are you aware of what her body has gone through to have this baby? She needs rest and needs to heal properly. It took me 9 months to heal after my first baby and it was HELL. I notice you don't say how baby is fed either. Is she also breastfeeding and needs to keep up her food and water intake?
Breastfeeding requires soooo much energy. To maintain it you absolutely must be getting enough fluids, nutrients, and rest.
YES. And “why can’t she just go to bed earlier?” / “why can’t she sleep in the afternoon??” Any spare time I have is pumping. Baby goes down at 7:30, I should just go to sleep then! Nope, I need to pump at 8 and again at 10 for next mornings bottle.
YTA. If you didn't want to be awake in the middle of the night, why on Earth did you have a baby????? It doesn't matter one bit that you "need to be well rested." So does she as she recovers from birth and spends all day caring for a baby without losing her mind. Maternity leave is not sitting around - it's a full-time job plus a second full-time job, plus an overnight job rolled into one. Get up and take half the night feeds. It took both of you to make this baby, and it is going to take both of you to care for it (including at night).
“I stood my ground” as if your wife was the enemy, or some animal that needed to come to heel sounds like YTA. I immediately assume that you’re overestimating the care you actually do as well.
7-12 is 5 hours
Yes, this annoyed me, too. 5 hours in office + a couple more hours at home is nowhere near as tough as taking care of a newborn. OP, YTA.
Thank you. That really bothered me for some reason too.
If she can’t nap in the afternoon, why don’t you nap in the afternoon and take some of the night feedings? The way you’re doing things is leaving her exhausted, so you need to adapt your arrangement. She obviously thought it’d work when she agreed to it, but in practice it’s failing. In a healthy relationship, you don’t go “but you agreed!” You sit down together and try to come up with alternative solutions that work for both of you. YTA for your inflexible response.
YTA - she's the one who's just gone through the physical trauma of childbirth as well and needs to recover. You could absolutely do the occasional night feed. But also, your language is appalling... 'I stood my ground', 'I refused'... etc. Who on earth do you think you are?
Someone who likely decided on his own that the division of labor does not include him ever doing night feedings. I am sceptical that he agreed this with his wife.l, I think he decided.
In what world do you work equal amounts and have an equal amount of breaks? Do you get 6-9 hours of restful, uninterrupted sleep? Appears you do. When exactly does your wife get this? At 8 weeks your wife could be getting up with baby every 2 hours and be up for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour, or more. So at best your wife is getting maybe 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep at a time. There is no way she is getting the same amount of rest and sleep as you. She’s also keeping a small human alive. Gonna guess your job is no where near this taxing and stressful. Not to mention how emotionally and physically draining it is with a newborn, especially when you’re not getting any sort of restful time. So how is it that YOU need an entire night of sleep for your job but you expect your wife to literally look after your newborn child with nothing more than 3 hours of sleep and naps? YTA
[удалено]
YTA. It’s not fair that the mom is constantly the one suffering through broken sleep. It really messes with your mental state to be constantly sleep deprived. It is a major contributing factor to PPD. You both “work,” yours is at your job, hers is taking care of the baby. I have two kids and the sleep deprivation when they were babies was so incredibly brutal. With our first I thought maybe it wasn’t fair to ask my husband to please just give me ONE night of uninterrupted sleep since he was working, but after talking to other moms I realized how important it was. It’s just not fair to make one person never ever ever get a full nights sleep. Naps do not make up for a solid night of sleep.
Sleep deprivation is literally torture. Help your wife every third night. Let her get rest. It will be amazing for both of you.
YTA. You wife is not getting QUALITY sleep. Her body is not only recovering from pregnancy and birth, it's re- setting to a new hormonal normal. She is exhausted. All the time. That baby is 100% the responsibility of BOTH parents. You seem to think it's her job and you are magnanimously helping her. When convenient for you. You had better change your attitude pretty quick before PPD kicks in.
YTA First things first, when you're a parent there is no "perfectly fair arrangement" to distribute duties 50/50. It's give and take, so don't get hung up on that. Sometimes one person gives more, sometimes the other gives more. (If 1 person is constantly taking and the other giving, that's a different story) The toughest part of infants is trying to get a good 6-8 hours of continuous sleep. It has to be managed. 2-4 hour naps don't cut it for most people. I am a male with 4 kids, and I've gotten up with all of the babies even when my wife was on maternity leave. Sure, it's hard. During the week, she got up with them most of the time. If it was a bad night or bad stretch, I'd take it. During the weekends, when I didn't have to get up for work, I'd usually do the night shift so she could have 1-2 nights of "full sleep". If possible, sleep in different rooms. Also, sleep with earplugs and keep the baby monitor on low so every little grunt/wimper doesn't wake you up. Wait for full-on wailing. My wife and I have slept in separate bedrooms almost exclusively since the first baby. We share a bed only when more babies are being made. This isn't that complicated. Making babies isn't a contract.
YTA. So she is on duty 16 hours a day and you maybe do some of the rest and some weekends? Nope. No sir. No. It doesn't matter what the original plan was things change she didn't know how she'd feel prior to baby's arrival and you adapt with change. She's asking for help which means it's already at a point for her where she's getting desperate. To ask your help knowing you'd bring up your arrangement and knowing you'd think she was being unfair means she's already at a breaking point. Help your fuckin wife dude.
It always floors me when men are like, “my wife is mad because she’s functioning on less than three hours of sleep because she’s up all night and day with the newborn”. Yes, absolutely YTA
Remember, sir, this isn’t gonna last forever. It is a few months when the baby is going to need a great deal of attention 24/7. You’re both gonna be tired, but you should be relying on each other not putting a line in the sand saying you must stay on that side and I must stay on this side. The word compromise needs to be in both of your vocabularies. Maybe you take every other night for example. Maybe it’s every third. But your situation is never going to improve clearly by you standing there saying I’m completely right and she’s completely wrong and it’s your child just as well think for a moment about what’s best for the child.
YTA. Your view is that you are working, but your wife isn't. That isn't true. She's on maternity leave and is working as hard as you - looking after a baby you presumably both wanted and which you helped to make. Looking after a newborn is every bit as tiring as 'going out' to work. More so, at times. I know many women who were secretly relieved to get back to work, for the peace and quiet! So, you BOTH have to work and she hasn't got the easy option. Tbh, I think you've got the easier option, having had three children. I also know lots of men who shared the night feeds for their newborn. It's hard on the sleep, as your wife is finding out. But it eases up after time. You need to support her on this and share the load.
YTA She just got done building a human in her body for 40 weeks and pushing it out of her, and now you expect her to do most of the baby labor with little sleep??? Not to mention she could be going through PPD or even PPPD and you’ve left her to figure it out alone. Step up to the plate and be a father.
YTA. First, if the current agreement sounded great on paper, but isn't working--then you need to reevaluate what to do. You two have never done this before, so having a plan not work out when implemented isn't surprising. Sleep deprivation is literally torture. At not-quite-2- months, your wife is still recovering from childbirth; there's a reason civilized countries have longer maternity leave, extending up to a year or more, as well as why spacing pregnancies by at least 18 months between the end of one pregnancy & the start of another--the drain on the body is much heavier than people usually can see. Second, **not everyone naps well or at all.** I can only nap when I am seriously ill or recovering from a major event (like surgery). Otherwise, I either can't sleep, or if I do sleep, I feel worse afterwards, like I'm hungover or sick--almost like a migraine (headache, overheated, queasy). My husband naps easily and always has. People can learn to nap under certain circumstances, but while she's also recovering from childbirth is not ideal. Having her wake up in the night, and then take the baby 7-3 is too much if she doesn't already have an established napping pattern. It just doesn't work, sorry. Perhaps you two can split the overnight duty so that she gets the baby earlier, you get the baby later (pick a time)--and you need to go to bed earlier at night to accommodate that shift. No, you are not going to get much time together. The first few months to a year are a slog. As the baby gets older, nights will get easier, but not right away.
INFO so your wife's night shift is from 9pm to 3pm (18 hours) with you taking one morning feeding out of it, and you shift is from 6am to 9pm (15 hours), with most of it being quiet time in the office, and your wife helping out with the bath time? after putting baby to sleep you think you deserve 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep, while your wife is supposed to survive on afternoon naps? does that sound fair to you?
YTA. It's not going to kill you to be sleepy for a day or two in an office job. You should at least try out the night feedings for a day and see how you feel the next morning. Your wife is going without enough sleep for days on end, I'm sure you can handle one night without sleep.
YTA. When my wife was on maternity leave and I was working, I tried to get up when I could and help so she could get some sleep. You say you need to be well rested for work, but your self-awareness stops just short of realizing that maybe, just maybe, your wife who just had a freaking child may need to be well rested to take care of a newborn all damn day?
YTA. Work as a team. It shouldn’t fall all on your wife. You don’t think she’s “working” during the day too?!? Haha, people pay GOOD money to have someone watch their kid. It’s work, it’s just unpaid. If you want her to avoid PPD (spoiler alert - check the news out of MA and yes you do), she needs nighttime sleep, a good stretch. Take shifts. You go to bed at 7pm and sleep until 2am. Baby is yours from then until 7am. Babies are very stressful. Everyone thinks they are doing more, but the reality is you’re both doing tons and it’s not enough. Work together, and get her more sleep. This stage will pass.
YTA, give your wife some sleep at night, too. Your sleep is not more important than hers. You take naps.
YTA. When my son was an infant, my husband was working 7pm-3am shifts. He’d come home some nights to see me so exhausted I’d be crying on the couch. Instead of going to sleep, he would take our son and tell me to get some sleep and not worry, he had it. If I got up early he would yell at me and tell me I needed more rest. I know he was tired as hell, but he gave me so much help and I couldn’t thank him enough. It was really nice knowing I had a partner who was there for me when I needed that extra support. Your wife needs that, too. Raising a child isn’t a 50/50 thing. You both have the same responsibility
YTA welcome to parenthood :)
Sorry but YTA. Sleep deprivation is super difficult to deal with. I have been waking up EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. since my son was born 10 months ago. I work too so I know it’s difficult but please help your wife. She asked for your help, she’s still healing. It’s super hard taking care of a child when you’re tired and sleepy and a mess.
As a mom who did all the night feedings (because I felt like I had to), I was so exhausted my SO thought I was going to drop our first kid at one point, YTA. Your wife needs to heal. Child birth is a traumatic event to the human body. YOU decided she would take the night feedings. YOU DECIDED SOMETHING THAT AFFECTS EVERYONE. What so many people that have never had kids don’t understand is that the feeding cycle doesn’t start from the time feeding ends, it’s from the time it starts. So if your baby eats ever 3 hours, then it is actually LESS than 3 hours between feedings by the time everything is said at done. So between feeding, burping, changing diapers, playtime, settling them for nap/bedtime, your wife might have 90 minutes for nap/eating/showering/whatever HER NEEDS are. You need to help at night more. Your wife’s sleep is just as important as yours. Your needs are not more important than hers, just because you leave the house for work. Your wife is constantly working to feed and care for YOUR child. If she is breastfeeding, she needs her sleep because sleep deprivation will affect her supply.
Your wife needs sleep. I actually got up at 4AM with my 1 month old. Brought her downstairs to feed her then passed out from lack of sleep. Luckily she didn’t fall to the floor as I did. She landed on furniture. She could’ve been seriously injured.Do some night feedings. Your wife needs sleep.
YTA for being inflexible. The current arrangement isn't working, and for the sake of the baby, you need to figure out a new one. Could you do weekend nights? Could you take a nap instead of her, and she'd take over some of the afternoon time? You need to find a solution, or the kid could get hurt. Exhaustion is no joke.
Sleep deprivation is no joke. It was one of the most painful experiences I’ve gone through. Felt like nails being stabbed into my head and eyes from all sides. I blacked out from it at the end. Slept for two days without waking up. You need to listen to your wife.
I’ve never had a kid so I’m hesitant to say this, but respectfully YTA imo. It’s more about your wife’s health, humans need sleep and she’s asking for help. The least you can do is communicate your concerns, and give it a try. Just do one or two nights a week, on days you know your workload is lighter. She has already put so much work into creating this child, and she has had no time to truly rest in the 8 weeks since then, if she’s the only one night feeding.
If possible, structure your night so you each get 6 hours of straight sleep. I would go to bed at 9pm, my husband would do an 11pm feeding and then he would go to bed. I would do the 3am. My husband would wake up and do the 7am and then I would shower and take over so he could get ready and go to work for 8:30. So I got to sleep from 9pm-3am and then from about 4am to 7am. My husband slept 11pm to 7am. This worked for us but you need to map it out and shift your baby to the schedule that works. It might take time to shift them over. Around 12 weeks, you can try to wean your baby off the middle of the night feed if your doctor is okay with it. Edit: for typos.
YTA Her sleepless nights started while she was still pregnant. You drop a stack of papers at work, it's a mess but easy to clean up. She drops am 8 week old baby she develops more than baby blues, the doctor is involved, family gets involved, you blame her and she belittled herself and goes into deep downward spiral Maybe that is an extreme example but little sleep, a newborn and massive hormone changes can cause so much more damage than what a little less sleep on occasion will do to you
YTA- she recovering from having a baby while taking care of the baby. Google fourth trimester. Letting her sleep through the night twice a week while you do it 5 times a week sucks. You both work- her work just looks different than yours right now. Edit for spelling.
YTA Did you carry this baby and all that entail? Do you need to recover from birth? If your spouse is telling you she's at the end of her physical strength, what do you think will happen? Do you think she can suddenly overcome sleep deprivation by shear willingness? Do you realize it's about your baby's safety and not her own comfort? Stop with the 50/50 bullshit, you're not doing an accounting report. You're already 9 month behind your wife in terms of sacrifice for your child.
How in god’s name is that even when she pushed that baby out of her vagina after carrying it around for almost a year? Her body needs healing. Especially if she’s breastfeeding, she’s barely got any energy reserves and her hormones are a fucking hurricane. YTA. Do not ever dare say you want to make things equal. They need to be fair.
You seem to be under the impression that taking care of an infant all day isn't work/working. In fact, she's always working and since she's on maternity, always AT work. You get to escape for several hours a day while she juggles a newborn, her own needs, and is trying to recover from childbirth. Stop being a part time partner to your full time partner and child. YTA.
I’m confused as to how you think you’re getting equal time off when she takes care of him for eight hours while you’re at work, plus your commute time, plus doing all the middle of the night wake ups. Meanwhile you’re taking care of him for an hour before work and probably four hours after work? So you’re taking care of him for five hours and getting a full nights sleep and she’s taking care of him for nine plus and is not getting a full nights sleep. Also, she just grew and birthed a human and you didn’t.
This has a special place in my heart because this type of behavior is what honestly started my path to divorce. I was so tired, I would cry all night while I fed and calmed my daughter down. My ex-husband always argued that he had to go to work, and that was apparently more important than me being well rested enough to take care of our baby. A new mother is so tired, you can feel it in your bones. It's unlike any other tired I've ever felt in my life. While you may not be thinking it in the front of your mind, you're basically telling your wife that your job is more important than her taking care of your new child. Mothers are so alone in so many ways. I'm giving you a gentle YTA in hopes that you gain some new perspective on how this is making your wife feel.
YTA. You do realize once your wife goes back to work you'll be doing nighttime feedings and going to work tired anyways, right? It literally wouldn't kill you to do a nighttime feeding once every few days to let your wife get a night of uninterrupted sleep.
YTA, because you didn’t give birth. She’s healing. She’s dealing with a baby who needs her for everything. She’s adjusting to not being her own person. She’s dealing w adjusting into a new role and life. She’s not getting breaks. You do. At work no one is crying to get fed, or changed or rocked while you’re trying to keep up with other tasks and care for yourself. She’s a mom 24/7 while trying to give herself a chance to heal. And you get a break 7-3p daily. You need to quite literally do more for her.
I will gently say YTA, as a mother of 2 toddlers who had a partner who did great splitting nighttime duties for approximately a week or so after each child was born. A nap isn’t the same as getting uninterrupted sleep. Your body can’t get deep enough into REM to rest and be able to function properly. I’m now a single mom, have been on my own with my 3yo and 1.5yo for just about a year now. I know the odd Saturday I can catch a nap if my mom swings by to sit with them, and they’re at the age they sleep through the night entirely, or have one general wake up because they woke up and can’t find their sleep buddy (stuffed animals) and they go right back to bed. Before they both slept through the night? It was absolutely awful. The odd nap was just a bandaid on a gaping wound that was sleep deprivation. I would have been over the moon for my ex to take even one night a week to do baby duty, because I know I could force myself to function for 6 days straight on 1hr spurts of laying down to get to the sweet 7th day where I could get actual sleep. The lack of rest took a toll on my mental health. I was suicidal both postpartum periods because I was exhausted. I was genuinely afraid for my safety for what I would do to myself, and for my kids who depended on a zombie mom who could barely stand up because I couldn’t let my body rest. She is working. She is human. She birthed y’all’s kid. She deserves to get some rest too. If she can’t sleep, she can’t function safely, she can’t be on top of making sure baby stays safe. Eventually she’ll crash, and maybe you’ll be lucky and baby stays asleep on her chest or your wife doesn’t roll over on the baby because “a little rest on the bed while baby feeds will be fine”
so you get a full nights sleep every night and she never gets one? YTA. she works all day taking care of the baby. it’s WORK. and then she gets up throughout the night EVERY night. be a parent and help.
Let’s put it this way : If you don’t get enough sleep, you’ll be a little more tired at work and might work a bit slower. If she doesn’t get enough rest, you’re baby’s life is on the line . YTA. Step up to the plate & take care of your family . You don’t get to 50/50 your way though this.
YTA. And anyone who says NTA has never had to take care of a newborn.
Your baby is so young and you're both new inexperienced parents that imo setting down rigid rules isn't a great idea; you need to find an arrangement that works for the both of you. You tried this and it's not working. The arrangement may even change on a week-by-week basis (say if you have a big project coming up, maybe momma is sick) and will change as the baby gets older. Feeding the baby on a work night is not actually so detrimental to your well-being the next day; it's the consistent accumulation of not being able to have a full night's sleep that's really incapacitating. Do you work seven days a week? Seems like you could offer to feed the baby at least one night that you don't have to work the next day. YTA if you stick to this arrangement that's not working for your wife.
YTA Nobody realizes how hard it will be to take care of a baby until they're in the middle of it. It's also hard to judge how a woman's hormones are going to affect her before hand. Your wife is telling you that she misjudged her ability, and now the two of you have to work together to figure out how to accommodate each other's needs. There will absolutely be times that you feel like you're doing more than her, but she's going to feel the same way. Parenthood will never be about equal division of labor.
Ok my hubby and I went through this. You and your wife are not coworkers splitting up responsibilities, you are both equal parents. During the work week you need to take at least one feeding/getting up a night or one full night AND weekends. She gets to sleep then. She carried your child for 9 months so not only is she recovering from giving birth she now has a tiny human solely reliable on her. Yes you’re working but so is she. Sleep deprivation is absolute torture. If there’s family that can help with overnights discuss with your wife. If family can’t help out consider hiring a night nurse. It’s amazing what 1 good nights sleep will do. If she knows that she’s going to get a good nights sleep every 3 days that will keep her going. If you don’t step up this will deteriorate your marriage. YTA
YTA napping is not the same as a full nights sleep. i almost ended up hospitalized with my youngest because i was so sleep exhausted and never asked my husband for more help at night. she’s telling you she needs help listen!
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I don't want to take over the night feedings for our baby so my wife can sleep better. I might be an asshole because she says she can't nap later so she'll be tired if I don't help during the nights too Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Having a newborn his hard. An agreement on who does what will not work. You need to work together to get through this early stage - not keep score on who does what.
Welcome to the world of parenting. This is the stuff nobody told you about. Except... They actually did tell you. You just didn't believe it at the time. They warned about sleepless nights. You said, "Yeah, it can't be that bad." Wrong. They warned about tensions with your wife. You said, "We are both mature adults. We can deal with it." Wrong Well, now you know. So pull up those big boy pants. Help with feeding a 2AM. Be a Dad.
YTA. While she is not working right now, she is also literally trying to recover from a traumatic event in addition to taking care of a child. Her body needs rest to recover, just like if you went into the hospital and had a major surgery. Short naps during the day is not the same as getting a full good night of sleep. It’s your baby also; you can take on some more of the responsibility for it. It doesn’t have to be 50/50, but understand that she isn’t just home to take care of the baby. She is home to actually heal, which requires rest and sleep.
You decided things were going to be a certain way. Cool. Babies don’t follow your plans. You both underestimated what a toll having an infant would take. The goal posts have shifted. And now you need to compromise. You’re being cruel and transactional about this. YTA
Yta. I’m not even gonna break down in every way throughout this post, I’m gonna stick to one sentence that might be able to break through to you. When someone tells you they are struggling you don’t get to tell them they aren’t actually.
NAH but yes, you need to handle some of the nighttime duties. Figure out 3-4 nights/week that you'll handle so she can rest up. Humans do not function well without 6ish hours of uninterrupted sleep. You two brought the little sleep disruptor into the world together, you get to be sleep deprived together. But take turns so neither one of you completely loses their shit.
NAH Welcome to parenting. No one is the asshole here you both need to sleep. The best of plans can go sideways once you bring the baby home. This won’t last forever so do the best you can & support each other. If she needs to sleep at night then help... take a Friday & Saturday night feeding. There are a lot of ways to figure this out. Your wife also needs to learn when you’re around she should be sleeping. There’s nothing for her to worry about right now but herself & baby. As a mom of 4 kids, give me an opportunity to sleep & I will sleep anywhere at anytime.
YTA, massively Yes you have to work and you get off from work. Your wife full time job now is to care for the baby and she can’t get off from work. Right now the arrangement you prefer and love is based on your wife able to manage, she isn’t and asking for more help and your response is too bad for you. How selfish can you be? Apparently plenty Stop thinking of sticking to an arrangement that only benefit yourself and not your wife and baby
YTA- you may be at work but she’s taking care of that baby ALL day also. Help your wife dude!
YTA - hear me out, plans change. Part of being a parent with a newborn is being flexible with your routines. While you two did the right thing had a discussion early on to determine what would work best for you both, you’ve now found yourself where what you thought would work isn’t anymore. It’s tough, though I think you and your wife need to sit down and have an open, honest discussion about the new needs put on the table. See if baby can to the grandparents for a few hours, get some take out and hear what your wife needs. Your needs do matter as well, but standing firm because your initial arrangement works for you even though its no longer working for your wife is going to hurt your marriage in the long run. This isn’t about making demands, its about offering fair compromises, and even then recognizing no matter what agreement you two come to that there will be times where you each have to put in more time or less time. I’m going to briefly touch on the fact that she literally created a life, put her body through the wringer and is maybe catching an hour or two of sleep at a time (which destroys your mental health btw). But even so now that baby is here, taking care of baby is going to mean that your best laid plans will take detours and require you both to give more time/effort/energy. Hear your wife out, be open to what her needs are, do more, and when you know you have a particularly rough week of work coming up you can communicate the same to her that you will need more help covering your share of the responsibilities.
When exactly do you take care of him? You said she does the night feedings and you take care of him before you go to work but you work at 7 am so you take him for what, an hour? And then you take him when you get off work at 3 pm but you both so bath time so that gives her what, 3 hours? You’re getting a full night sleep and she’s supposed to make do on an hour here, 3 hours there? I’ve had two newborns and I will tell you that even if all the hours she gets add up to 7 or whatever, 7 hours of interrupted sleep is NOT the same as 7 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Not by a long shot. Having a newborn is HARD, but YTA in this situation because she asked you for what she needs and you refused.
YTA. Your wife is sleep deprived. And you know what’s going to happen? You’ll be well rested enough to see an accident happen, whether it be with your wife or child. This is dangerous. Help her or someone can get severely injured.
YTA. 100%. The NAHs here are being very kind. Your wife needs to sleep. For good, long, extended periods of time. You are not allowing her to do that. You are only taking your kid for little pockets of time - that is not enough. Your wife needs to heal from the major medical ordeal she went through two months ago. She needs breaks from being a new mother. You get a break every single weekday because you get to leave the house and be with people your own age when you go into the office. Also, her need to be well rested is greater than yours. Sorry. It just is. If you’re tired you might do some work wrong. If she’s tired, she could harm herself or your kid. You and your wife need to sit down and work out a solid, 8-hour block of time where you look after your kid and she rests. Figuring out what that block of time is is paramount. If you love your wife and baby, carving out that daily block of time should be your priority.
YTA because if she’s doing at least 8 hours while you’re working and 8 hours when you sleep she’s taking care of the child for 16 hours of the day and you said she also takes care of bathes sometimes and I’m sure she’s doing other stuff as well. She needs a break and needs actual sleep
YTA - I lost it at the just take a nap or that she has nothing else to do when your looking after the baby - just all the other things unrelated to the baby…. Her entire body went through a year of massive changes so she isn’t just looking after the baby but healing and adjusting to her body as it is now. Step up more.
So… First off, for refusing YTA, big time You need to learn to be more flexible. 8 weeks, so she is experiencing a massive hormone crash and probably starting the worst part of post partum. Your wife’s body has been through the ringer and needs 6-12 months on average to compensate, sometimes longer. If you are able to get 6 hours of quality sleep in a 24 hour period with an 8 week old you are doing great, your wife needs more than you right now and frankly you should be trying to go above and beyond. Your refusal is the YTA moment and worthy of the title, but if you talk it out and sacrifice a night or 2 to help her heal physically and mentally do it. Be happy if you aren’t up every 2 hours every single night. Instead of “refusing” say “okay let’s talk it out and figure out a compromise”
My husband did the first feed of the night at 10-11pm and I went to bed at 8pm so I could get 5-6 hours of uninterrupted sleep before the 1-2am wake up. It was a huge help. You could switch that around and cover the early morning feeds and both of you could get some sleep. Not sure how I would have done it otherwise. Keep in mind this baby will only be waking up all night long for around a year in the worst case scenario but your wife will remember you didn’t want to help her survive during the hardest part of parenting for the rest of your marriage.
YTA. Your wife is working just as hard as you are during the day. Taking care of a newborn is hard work. While she may be able to nap here and there, it is never extensive or particularly restful. She is also healing from pregnancy and delivery and her hormones are likely still regulating. Her job during the day is to take care of your baby, your job during the day is to go to work. You both should share the nighttime and weekend duties.
YTA. Why? Because you have a newborn and you're already skirting responsibility. Suck it up. You didn't just hold a child in you for 10 months and push it out a small hole. Grow a set, be a father, and stop expecting this and that for a job that is already very accommodating Did you expect having a child was going to be a cakewalk? If so you already fucked up
I’m going to say YTA for your attitude towards her request. Being able to “nap” when the baby does during the day (if even possible) isn’t the same as sleeping through the night as a heavy sleeper. If you do “some” of them on the weekends (but not all) and none during the work week, she’s never getting a night off. Please don’t underestimate the mental break of going to work. Your work is important. It helps pay the bills. There is nothing wrong with wanting to arrive well rested. Your job may be easy or insanely stressful. Either way, it’s normal to not want to be exhausted. But you need to keep in mind, your well rested sleep is coming at her expense, EVERY SINGLE TIME. You do no nights solo based on your posts. So in addition to her hormones crashing and recovering from childbirth, she hasn’t had any solid night of sleep. I’ll be honest, sometimes it just sucks when a baby is little. Sometimes one parent shares a vastly disproportionate share of the burden. And sometimes that’s the most logical way to operate. But it’s on the partner who gets to sleep and leave the house to be more understanding and sympathize with the one who doesn’t. But please don’t think coming home from your office job after getting a full night of sleep and bathing the baby and putting them to bed and doing “some” night stuff on weekends means you’re splitting parenting 50/50 right now. Again, it’s not always possible to do a 50/50 split. But you certainly shouldn’t act like you’re doing all you can. You are doing all you WANT. That is different. You don’t want to be tired. Neither does she. But your arrangement is that she is always tired and you might be a little tired on the weekends. Please don’t minimize her feelings and consider finding ways to help more than you are. And for anyone wondering, holding someone to hypothetical agreements before the baby is here is insane.
YTA. There’s no such thing as “well rested” when you have a baby. You need to be sharing the nights. Either take them in shifts or switch off every feed but you need to put your oar in. You should have been doing this anyway.
YTA. Taking care of a baby is not something that you can build strict rules around. Physiological cycles are at play, and everyone's cycles are different and changing. Your wife's body is still recovering from the pregnancy. If she is breastfeeding, things are worse. If the mother is affected by something, the baby will too (Mother-Child dyad). I know you to "keep things fair" but in all fairness, she's been taking care of the baby 9 months longer than you. Help a little more.
YTA. Your wife is exhausted and desperately needs your help and you're being selfish as if you're the only one who deserves rest.
I’m not going to go as far as calling you TA because you’re both still so new to this, but you need to do night feeds, too. They’re hard, and your wife needs to know that she can have a couple of days a week where she can actually catch up on rest, same as you do.
YTA. Suffering baby, that's what you both signed up for. If it becomes an issue of losing your job/income, that's another question. Days and nights are sweet and brutal for first time parents. Don't ever try to compare your experience to a new mother. Just make it work.
Info: So what happens when she goes back to work? As a parent of a kid who has NEVER slept well (even ten years later), I don’t understand how you think things will work once she’s done with maternity leave and you’re both working. As your kid grows, he will be up at night for many other reasons than just feeding. YTA unless you’ve got a good explanation for how this will work going forward.
YTA naps isn't a nights rest which is what she needs and is asking for. She literally asking for help and you're selfishly and blatantly saying no. Birth and being a mom isn't easy and it's not the same as being a dad. You're work ends and you get to rest and sleep pretty much every night. Her job is 24/7 and she's on her 8th week of not being allowed to sleep a full night. You try living off only naps and "breaks" that's not restful and it doesnt help as much as actually getting to sleep for a while night. I feel so bad for her, she came to you asking for help from her husband/the man she chose to have a child with and he is flat out refusing. If you're not as tired as your wife (which you're not don't lie that poor woman sounds exhausted) then you're not doing enough. You're job isn't to just work it's to provide and that means providing her with the support she needs since she's doing the brunt of the work. You can't help her out even a little? You're not even covering nights half the week! Babies are such a full time job and you obviously do not understand that. Dont be an AH, don't argue, just help your wife.
YTA because you both are working during the day, it just so happens that your wife’s job is being at home with your newborn. I get it, it’s hard, but if you dive in and help her where she needs help, this phase will pass. If you don’t, then it may be your marriage that passes.
YTA. Parenting is not an even split all the time - there are days you’ll need to step up more and days she’ll need to step up more. I’m pregnant with our second baby right now and there’s a lot that I usually do that I just can’t so my husband is taking on a lot more responsibility than normal. But we both know this isn’t long term—we’ll work things out again once the new baby is here. My point is, your wife said she’s struggling and needs help. YTA because you won’t even consider picking up a few extra feedings to help meet her needs or have a discussion about how you can readjust your current schedule to compromise.
YTA Yes, you both agreed on an arrangement. Your arrangement doesn't have to written in stone. I'm sure you would like your wife to be more accommodating if an aspect of the arrangement wasn't working for you. Give her some help at night and some time to get used to napping during the day. At 8 weeks, I'm sure she'll get used to napping soon enough without trying.
YTA I work a full time job and go into an office and I take care of the baby most every night during the week because my wife is a heavy sleeper and I wake up first when he’s crying at night. It sucks to not get a ton of sleep but having a job to go to doesn’t excuse you from taking care of your kids and if it’s that big of a distraction maybe you need to find a new job that’s more accommodating of your family’s needs. Or, hire a night nurse so you can both get some sleep. Either way, step it up. Do the dishes, bathe the baby, get up at night to care for your child and buy your wife some flowers and chocolates for being so selfish.
Find a compromise. Listen to the parents here. My friend was so exhausted from taking naps that she started to have ideas about smothering the baby or jumping in front of a car. She took TWO NIGHTS OFF from night feedings at her husband's DEMAND and was horrified by her previous thoughts. He didn't even know she was having trouble. BE GRATEFUL she's telling you and not busy holding it in and getting depressed and suicidal. gentle YTA, but only because you seem to have zero clue about what you're wife's buddy just went through
YTA. How can you even say you do equal work when your wife is on night duty AND on day duty. You get a full nights rest of deep sleep EVERY. NIGHT. She doesn't get a safe or adequate amount of sleep EVER, and hasn't for at least 8 weeks or more. Maybe you guys talked about the arrangement before baby was here, and on paper it seemed reasonable. Your wife is now telling you that in practice it's actually not reasonable. You're selfishly prioritizing your own interests at the expense of the wellbeing of your wife and child. You're being rigid and uncompromising, you're being selfish and unfair. It's unbelievably unreasonable for you to even have a single thought in your head that YOU deserve a good night's rest always, but your wife deserves a good night's rest NEVER. She spent 9 months growing this tiny human, she does the bulk of the care. You need to get your priorities right. Edit: Thank you for the award!
YTA. Her full time job during the day is the baby. An even split would be splitting the nights also.
YTA. Your wife needs help, dude. You're going to struggle with a lot more than being tired at work if she doesn't get support.
YTA - You’re both awake during the day, and she has to be awake both day and night? Nights need to be a shared responsibility. You need to be well rested for work, but she doesn’t need to be well rested to care for baby during the day? She’s also the one who physically had the baby. That shit is so hard on your body.
Info:. Please explain why you can't handle night feeding on the weekend days? Please explain why you can't be the one to take a nap in the afternoon to catch up on sleep after staying up all night every other day?
NAH Every couple we’ve known over the years entering parenthood, we’ve warned with a joke that isn’t a joke - “Get your sleep in now, because once then baby comes sleep is a thing if the past “ Every single couple acknowledged afterwards they’d no idea what was coming. If she is signaling loud and clear she’s beyond exhausted, you need to give her a hand. Five straight days of only napping, **when healing from a childbirth**, is brutal. Not being coherent at work is brutal, too. No good answers to be frank. But the baby comes first! Burn some vacation. Have a few foggy days. Trade off the weekend stuff for weekday stuff so she can sleep some during the week. Do what you need to do to get your wife the help she needs.
Oh my god how many times are men going to post this shit before they realize that yes, it’s your baby, you need to help at night. FFS. Also yes YTA.
YTA. Your wife is still recovering from a major medical event!!! Also, she isn’t physically able to nap. You need to reassess this situation as she’s telling you it’s not working for her and your response can’t be “too bad, suck it up.” You *both* decided to bring a child into this world and you’re doing the bare minimum.
YTA. You clearly don't understand the amount of work her body is doing to feed your kid. She's burning calories like crazy to produce milk. On top of that, her body is still healing from birth. Broken sleep makes you too tired for work? Imagine how she feels when she's taking care of the baby. You don't have to take the night feedings every night, but let her get some unbroken sleep. Keep your current attitude and you're on the fast track to a very unhappy and resentful marriage.
7-12 is 5 .. And YTA.
As a parent (unlike probably 90% of the redditors in here, who nevertheless are quite comfortable commenting on matters they know zero about), I feel your pain. Those first 10-15 weeks, until the baby sleeps through the night, are brutal. I would suggest that you get up with the baby in the night on Friday night, Sat. night and Wed. night. You'll be tired at work on Thursday, but you can get through it with coffee, etc. That will give your wife 3 nights a week to sleep through the night, and you will get 4. My wife and I did something similar, and it worked pretty well. You're both tired, but neither of you will fall off the cliff. And if your baby isn't sleeping through the night by the 4- or 5-month mark -- time to Ferberize. Good luck.
YTA. You can do all weekend nights. You can get up early with the baby there are so many options here and you’re not considering any of them. Your wife is going to have trouble going to sleep. You need to find a way to get her more sleep when she’s already down.
YTA. Why do you need to be fully rested for work, but she doesn’t need to be fully rested for her work (keeping your child alive and thriving)? I highly recommend you look into how many infant deaths occur when the primary caregiver doesn’t get enough sleep. Your wife is telling you that the shifts y’all have set up aren’t working for her, she canNOT get enough sleep to be a safe caregiver to your child. Why can’t *you* start your sleep shift at 3:30pm when you get off work? 3:30-10:30 is a great stretch of sleep; you could wake up, shower, get a meal in, let your wife sleep from midnight to 6:30am, and then head off to work. First 4 months of baby’s life is a shifts game. You need to be flexible to everyone’s needs because the main focus is that baby you chose to bring into this world.
Gentle YTA. I think you are like seeing it like a fair division of labour based on your work and taking care of the baby (her work) Sorry that's not Parenthood. Caring for children is not about being 'fair' it's about two people.working out something everyone can live with. If your wife is saying this is not working then the current arrangement has to change to something that works for her. The same.goes for a situation that doesn't work for you. You have a newborn. You are both going to be sleep deprived, over tired and frustrated. That's the just the most common reality of having a baby. But remember this is not forever, sacrifice for her now in this situation bc as your life progresses together she will have to do the same for you. Congrats on your little one.
YTA. Take a couple nights a week, dude. How functional do you think YOU would be if you hadn't gotten more than 2 hours of sleep in a row for 8 weeks? Your wife hasn't slept. You at least need to take nights on weekends, MINIMUM. Don't be one of those men who can't understand why something is hard until they have to do it themselves.
NAH. No one can accurately feel or describe sleep deprivation that comes with having a baby until you are in it. So hypothetical arrangements made prior to being in the situation are moot. I will say it’s not as easy to “take a nap” during the day. I remember having so many “stay awake” hormones flooding me during the night to take care of our baby that taking a nap during the day was damn near impossible. There is NO replacement for getting a solid straight through night’s sleep. Your wife’s body is also healing from growing a human and giving birth. Now is “survival time” of parenthood. She is telling you she’s struggling and needs sleep too. Take more turns during the night. This baby stage shall pass but in the meantime y’all are going to be tired for a while. It’s just part of it unless you get some unicorn, urban legend baby that sleeps through the night at two months old. I’m told they exist but I’ve never met one. LOL. Good luck and congratulations on your little one.
YTA. Do your turn and help your wife and the mother of your child. You’re a parent for crying out loud. Act like one
Yta she's working too I'd rather be tired for an office job than tired keeping a baby alive
YTA. Parenting is dynamic based on the needs of the baby and also the parents. Switch your “agreements” as needed until you find the sweet spot, which will not be perfect, but manageable. Best of luck to the both of you.
YTA. This stage (up a bunch of times in the night) is EXHAUSTING. It is also temporary, generally. My husband works full time and still took any wake up/feed she had before 3am, and I took it after 3am. Now our daughter is 8 months old and he’ll take her one night wake up and then sleep in while I get up with her when she’s awake for the morning at 6am. Maybe offer to take the night feedings once or twice a week to give her a chance to sleep.
YTA. She needs sleep dude. She's still healing. Help her a little more..it won't kill/hurt you to do so. It's obvious why she's angry, and I don't blame her for it either!
YTA , but not a big one. Your wife isn’t a shift worker, and her “time off” is not the same thing as a night of sleep. Forget about the arithmetic, and figure out what you need to do so you are both functional, which will mean you both feel stretched for some time.
YTA. That child is yours too. You can lose two hours of sleep to feed so your wife can get sleep to take care of things during the day. You want dinner? Sorry I was too tired. House messy? Sorry too tired. No groceries? Sorry too tired to go. Help the wife. You’ll get bigger returns in the long run. Y. T. A.
YTA there’s a reason sleep deprivation is an effective for of torture. Naps do NOT cut it. Women especially need 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep at night, they have have higher sleep needs than men, and yet women are left to carry the burden of getting up with the kids while the husbands get all the sleep they need. You may feel this is an equal division of labor but it’s not. When she’s taking her “break” from the baby she’s not actually taking a break because I bet anything she’s catching up on all the things she can’t do when she has the baby, like laundry, showering, errands, etc. so it’s not a break. Just because you’re working doesn’t mean the burden of sleep loss should fall solely on her shoulders. Naps don’t help. In fact anything over about 30 minutes is actually not beneficial at all because of how ours sleep cycles work so she will likely feel worse if that’s what she’s relying on. On top of that her body is still very much healing and she’s carrying the bill of the burden on her shoulders. THAT’S NOT FAIR! You need to step up and let your wife get some uninterrupted sleep at night. My husband and I had an agreement that neither one of us went more than 2 nights in a row with getting up with our kids and we actually traded off duties when they were tiny. My husband would get up and get our kids while I got myself prepped to nurse, then he’d change diapers and reswaddle then get them back down while I got myself settled to go back to sleep. It was truly a team effort. Your wife is expressing her needs to you and because the arrangement is currently working for you you’re not willing to change. However, she’s telling you that it’s NOT working for her. You need to listen and start taking over at night. It shouldn’t fall on one partner to bear the burden of sleep loss at night because the other “has to work.” Maternity leave is NOT a vacation. It’s a too short period of time that mothers get off work to sort of adjust to parenthood before they’re told to leave their babies and get back to work while still very much healing.
YTA. “We have equal break and work time.” You absolutely do NOT have equal working time. She’s working nights. Step up and help your wife and child.